BRIAN

I watch Gus play with other kids and could only thank the hours of therapy that had him finally coming out of his shell. Although, we were still having problems with him being afraid if I got out of his sight. The doctor told me that years of neglect can’t be erased overnight, and blaming myself for what Lindsay and Mel did and managed to hide from me wasn’t going to help Gus. I ended up seeing a therapist too, because I couldn’t deal with my own guilt; that I hadn’t seen the signs in my child. Alex and I spent time with me telling him why I blamed myself more than the people who actually neglected Gus.

“I was running around trying to help my mother and nephews get away from my father and sister. All I could see was that Claire was carrying on the legacy Jack taught us. I should have paid more attention to the fact that Gus never wanted to go back to Lindsay and Mel. I should have seen what the people I trusted to keep my son safe were really like,” I tell him.

“You put your faith in people who never gave you a reason to think they would do the things they did to you and your son. They accepted you when your real family didn’t, and it made you trust them. No one could have seen what was happening, not even you. They only let you see him when they wanted, so they were always prepared when you showed up. I want to suggest you both getting away from everything here. Gus needs a place where he doesn’t have constant reminders, and you need a place where those reminders can’t keep showing up, trying to bring you down to their level,” Alex tells me.

“My mother and nephews can’t handle being here by themselves either. I’m still reeling from my mother and me having a relationship,” I tell him.

“Brian, she finally saw the life she made you live when Peter ended up in the hospital because Claire and Jack tried to beat him to death. Up until that point, it was never more than broken bones. She couldn’t pretend God had a purpose for what they did. When John went to you she finally had to see the son you’ve always been,” He tells me.

“I almost slammed the door in his face,” I tell him, feeling guilty about that too.

“You didn’t, and that’s what counts. Instead you showed up and made sure Peter was being treated for injuries that should have killed him. While your sister and father took off to get drunk. Joan told me it opened her eyes to what she spent years drinking to avoid knowing. For all her faults, she loves you and her grandchildren, but she was the epitome of a battered wife. She made excuses for why Jack did the things he did, and when it got to be too much she turned to drinking and a Bible to avoid doing what she should have done the first time Jack laid a hand on her. She said she pushed you away because in her head it was the only way to save you and keep you believing that she viewed you as if you were the worst thing in her life. She wanted you to get away from the world she brought you into. It’s why you constantly met a wall of ice when you tried to be around her. She feels like she’s to blame that you looked to people like Deb, Michael, and Lindsay for what you didn’t have at home,” He tells me.

“It’s not her fault that I didn’t see the emotional abuse. Like you said, I only saw that there weren’t fists flying at my head. Anything seemed better at the time,” I tell him.

“Most people who come from abuse are blinded to all forms of it. It was that you equated fists, not words, as abuse. You didn’t see when Deb treated you well for taking care of her son as anything but caring, because you’d never had many kind words in your life. When Deb treated you like shit, you viewed it as the way life was supposed to be. Deb came into your life cleaning you up, but instead of telling you it wasn’t your fault, she gave you speeches about how you needed to stop antagonizing your abuser. In your head you felt she was right, because like your mother, you saw it as something you must have done to deserve what happened to you. Brian, there was nothing you could have done to stop what Jack was doing. It wasn’t your fault, are you hearing me? IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT,” Alex tells me this constantly.

“How do I not blame myself for the people I chose as friends? If it hadn’t been for Emmett, I might still be in the dark about Gus. I would have expected Michael to be the one to tell me, but Emmett, who I’m barely civil to, is the one who showed up at my loft and told me to get my head out of my ass and go get my son,” I tell him.

“Emmett admits that he only found out because the girls wanted him to plan their wedding. He really hadn’t been around them much until then. He’d been avoiding the whole gang since Michael and Ted started dating. He saw what Michael was like when he tried to spend time with Ted. He avoided you because he felt you would side with Michael, the way you normally did. Emmett was finally able to see you differently when Ted was almost killed himself because of Michael. Emmett said he realized you weren’t the selfish bastard that Michael constantly told everyone you were,” He tells me.

“I am a selfish bastard. I couldn’t let Ted beat me to hell,” I tell him, because I didn’t like the way he made me sound, like I was a good, caring person.

“You stopped the bleeding and kept him awake long enough for the paramedics to arrive. What you did to Michael that day was due to adrenaline and worry, not what Jack taught you from the crib,” He tells me.

“Yet it was the only thing brought up in court over and over again, how I punched my best friend out at the hospital when he was trying to be there for his boyfriend,” I tell him.

“Brian, the nurse who heard everything made sure the judge knew why you did it, and also told him that she felt Michael being near Ted at the time was detrimental to his health. I want you to think about something, Ted didn’t choose Michael as his POA, he chose you. He trusted you to make the right decision, even though he thought he loved Michael. It tells me he saw you as more trustworthy in his life than Michael,” He tells me.

“I didn’t want that kind of responsibility for anyone,” I tell him.

“You might not want it, but it’s who you are. You can’t walk by and not want to help the people in your life. It’s why you befriended Michael in the first place. He was getting beat up, and in a way, I think you saw some of what you were living through and couldn’t let someone else live that way. The only problem was, Michael took your help as his due when he let you hang out in his house. He used it as a way to keep you feeling indebted to him and Deb. You didn’t recognize it as abuse, because like I’ve told you, there weren’t fists flying at you,” He tells me.

“Deb treated me like I was another son. It was different,” I tell him, not really knowing why I thought so now.

“Deb’s worse than most abusers. She makes you believe she cares, when she really doesn’t care about anything but herself and Michael. I want you to think about all the times she ran to your parents, and made life worse for you. She didn’t go to Jack and Joan to try to make them see what they were doing to you, but to make sure you always had a reason to come back to her house. Each visit she made had you dealing with Jack’s fists and your mother telling you that no one needed to know what was going on in your home. Deb had the chance to get you out of that house when you were in the ER, with doctors who wouldn’t accept falling down the stairs as an excuse. Instead she lied to the doctors with your parents, saying Jack was trying to stop you from hurting your sister and you fell. Deb adding that it was you who had drinking and drug problems. It’s the one time I wanted to ask you about, but felt we needed to wait to talk about it until you were ready. Why did you agree that they were telling him the truth when the doctor talked to you alone?” He asks me.

“I didn’t want to call Deb a liar. At fourteen I didn’t see what I can see now, that Deb didn’t really give a shit about me,” I tell him.

“I know you hate this part, but I need to hear you say it,” He tells me.

“It wasn’t my fault,” I say, less sarcastically than I normally did.

“Time’s up, but don’t let it keep you from calling me if you need to hear that,” Alex tells me.

I open the door and Gus runs to me as Emmett and Ted follow behind him.

“Too long,” Gus tells me, hiding his head in my neck.

“Dada just needed to talk to a friend, Gussy,” Emmett tells him.

“Ted, it’s your turn.” I tell him.

“Yes, mother,” Ted says, walking in Alex’s office.

“I brought lunch, why not take Gus to the park and let him play,” Emmett tells me.

“I don’t wanna,” Gus holds tighter.

“Auntie Em and I will be there the whole time,” I assure Gus.

I looked at Emmett, who was setting out lunch, thinking that Alex was right, it was time for me to move Gus and me away from the town that only carried bad memories for us. My mom was all for it, saying with Jack and Claire in prison, she and the boys could use a change of scenery. It’s just, being guardian over Ted until he was better meant having to be here and make sure he didn’t fall back, the way I constantly did.

“I’m planning to move. Gus and I can’t stay here with Mel, Lindsay, Michael, and Deb,” I tell him.

“I don’t see staying here either. I think Ted needs to be away from Michael’s constant badgering. I can work anywhere, and Ted needs to find something that doesn’t remind him of his old life. Pick a place and we’ll make it work,” Emmett tells me.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to make your life revolve around mine. I don’t want to be the kind of friend who makes you feel like you can’t have your own life,” I tell him.

“I don’t like the life any of us have lived here. I want a fresh start, where the shit we’ve dealt with is gone. They aren’t leaving me alone either. Mel and Lindsay still believe if they can find a different judge that they can get Gus back. Michael and Deb are trying to get to Ted and tell him you're the last person anyone should expect to look out for them. Like I said, there’s nothing here worth staying for,” He tells me, handing me a sandwich. “This time eat it, I’ll be watching,” He warns.

I ate the sandwich, but only because Gus wouldn’t if I didn’t. It’s killing me that it took three years to see what was happening to Gus. Lindsay was always playing the caring mom when I was around, brushing it off when Gus clung to me, saying it was because of how little I was around. I wanted to believe that, even when Gus got hysterical when I left. Why didn’t I see when Mel took him from me that he was struggling to get away from her, and not just upset because I was leaving? It made me feel like I was his abuser, not his mothers.

“Brian, look at me,” Emmett ordered. “You couldn’t have known, any more than any of us. They kept you away, only letting you around when they needed money. You came to their house and they only let you see what they wanted you to see. Hell, I only saw what was going on because I showed up unexpectedly to talk to them about how the hell they planned to pay for the bullshit they kept adding. I was showing up to tell them I wasn’t going to do the wedding, but instead, found Gus dirty and eating anything that he could reach. Until I saw the girls passed out in bed, I never saw what they lived like.They made sure we only saw what they wanted, and Gus was too little to tell us what was going on. Gus will get better, but not if you are constantly blaming yourself for what they did,” He tells me.

“I keep telling myself it couldn’t have always been like that for Gus,” I tell him.

“Only Gus knows when it started, and do you really need another reason to pile the guilt of what those bitches did onto yourself?” He asks me.

“I gave them a way to live the life they were living,” I tell him.

“Brian, they used all the support money for themselves and then they stole all the money you were putting in the savings account for Gus. They used everything you gave for your son to live like Lindsay’s parents. That wasn’t you, it was them. I need you to stop letting what the others say about you affect the person who I see. You're stronger than everyone. We know it, and with time this will be just a bad memory. You need to start finding people who aren’t constant reminders of your past. I say we go to New York, it’s where you dreamed of being one day. I think it’s time to see what the Big Apple can offer a girl,” He tells me.

“How do you deal with Alex, it’s like he knows what we don’t want to tell him?” Ted asks as he sits next to me.

“He won’t let us hide anything, and I think you and I spent way too long hiding from the truth,” I tell him.

“I don’t love him. I was seeing someone who never existed,” Ted tells me.

“If we leave, how are you and Ted going to see Alex?” Emmett asks.

“Where are we going?” Ted asks.

“Alex suggested it was time to get away from everyone,” Emmett tells him.

“Emmett wants to move to New York, I have a job offer there, making a lot more than here. For me and Gus it would be better to not be somewhere any of them could show up, causing more problems. I was offered a partnership, and with the money I have, I could buy in without worrying about affording things,” I tell him, liking the idea more now that I have told them about it.

“Why buy in? Why not start your own business? I have money that I could invest in a business,” Ted tells me.

“I can be a silent partner. I might not be able to give you as much as Ted, but I believe in you,” Emmett tells me.

“The question would be, is the Big Apple ready for us?” Ted asks me.

“I’ll talk to Cynthia, I think she’s ready to get the hell out of Pittsburgh too,” I tell them.

I got Gus home and in bed before the buzzing started at my door. Michael seems to go out of his way to try to start trouble the girls could try to use against me. When he can’t get to me, it’s Ted next. Ted isn’t ready to deal with Michael. I put the buzzer on silent and wondered what Michael thought he was going to get out of Ted dying. Ted would have died if I hadn’t wanted to find out what happened to all the money in Gus’s account. I had every bonus I made deposited in it, and it all disappeared. I was only checking to see if my latest bonus had made it into the account when I heard how little was in it. Ted had more access than I did, which was why I went to see him that day.

Michael opened the door, saying Ted was sulking because he had mentioned meeting a guy at the gym. Ted already had low self esteem and Michael seemed to like taunting him with other guys. I finally went in to check on Ted when Michael yelled if he didn’t get out here, then maybe the guy at the gym could show Michael what Ted couldn’t.

“Fuck Michael, why do you say shit like that to him?” I asked him, going into the bedroom and not seeing Ted.

“I’m tired of him thinking he’s the best I could get,” Michael yelled, loud enough for Ted to hear.

I knocked on the open bathroom door, and it opened to where I could see Ted sitting in the tub, with his wrist slit open, watching his blood run down the drain.

“What the hell are you doing?” I yelled, grabbing towels and getting them tied around his wrist. “Michael call an ambulance,” I yelled when he came to the door, just staring dispassionately at what Ted did.

“Why? He’s just doing it for attention,” Michael tells me.

I ended up calling myself and staying with Ted on the way to the hospital, until the doctors took him away. Mel showed up, looking pissed that she had to come here. I called because I needed to know who could make decisions for Ted. I was praying it wasn’t Michael or Deb, because neither of them bothered to come with me.

“Ted seemed to think picking you was a smart move,” She sneered, throwing the paperwork at me. “Lindsay and I were busy with a party, and don’t really appreciate you calling, hysterical over a boo-boo,” She yells, leaving.

I showed the paperwork to the doctor and then told him that unless I approved the visitors, no one sees Ted. Which apparently wasn’t what Michael wanted to hear. I got called to come back to the hospital when I went home to change the bloody clothes I was wearing, only to be told that Michael got in to see Ted. I walked in, not hearing loving words of a concerned boyfriend, but Michael taunting him with some guy he went and fucked in their bed while Ted was being treated. Ted was devastated, and I was pissed. I wish I could say I just had him escorted out of the room, but I just let my fist do the talking. The nurse, Shelly, who was in the room, called the doctor and security to get Michael away from her patient. Shelly kept apologizing for being away from the station, but called when she heard what Michael was saying, and tried to have him leave. She’s one of the reasons Michael couldn’t help the girls when he tried to bring this up in court. She’s also the reason Deb and Michael’s lawyer couldn’t sue to get Ted’s POA from me. I told her if she’d been a man I would have married her for all she did for Ted and me. She kissed my cheek and told me I wouldn’t have been able to handle her. Which is why I hired her to stay with Ted full time until we were sure he was out of the woods. She became more than a nurse, she became a friend to all of us. Deb didn’t know what hit her when Shelly blocked her from any way to talk to us. Shelly was who I called when Peter got the shit beat out of him.

It was the first time I had to hold Shelly back from running after Jack and Claire. She couldn’t sit by while watching Peter fight to breathe. My mother was sitting there with a Bible on her lap, and Shelly picked it up and asked if the Bible said beat your family, or love them. My mother, for the first time in her life fell completely apart, blaming herself for the things that happened to all of us. I didn’t react, because to me it was just another performance to get sympathy for my poor mother’s lot in life. Instead I heard something that made me see what she did differently.

“I should have found a way for Peter and John to get away from them, the way I did for Brian. It’s was the only way Brian could live a life that didn’t include what was my punishment for staying,” She tells Shelly.

“Why did you need to be punished?” Shelly asked.

“For drinking instead of getting my children away from that monster. I thought I deserved what Jack was doing, for getting pregnant with Claire. I screwed up and Jack found out when I got pregnant with Brian. I should have left, so Brian wouldn’t have to pay for my moment of weakness. I just prayed like a good Catholic girl, that Jack could somehow love Brian even though he wasn’t his,” She dropped the bomb.

I fell back in a chair. That asshole wasn’t my father. It was freedom from the idea that I owed him anything. My mother sat next to me and said that she never told my real father about me. She just wanted to feel what it was like to be with someone who didn’t treat her like she was frigid afterwards.Then she did something she never did when Jack was tearing the house down around us, she called the police to report Jack and Claire.

I found out Claire stood by, watching what my father did to Peter. The way she did when I was the one being beaten by him. All because the old man drank away the money he accused Peter of stealing from him. Claire tried to say she didn’t know what to do, and that Jack threatened her too. I loved the way the cop asked her if getting drunk with Jack was because he poured it down her throat. Once again, I made it so my mother could be seen as the best place for the boys. I asked why John came to me, when he never seemed to like me.

“Grandma said no matter what we did to you, you wouldn’t turn your backs on us. I needed to save Peter, and I knew you wouldn’t turn me away,” He told me, as if in his mind it was the truth.

When Emmett came to me about Gus, I really hoped he was wrong, because I wanted Gus to have a wonderful life, full of everything I never had. What I found is that Lindsay got over the idea of being a mom and wanted to live the life her mother taught her. Mel didn’t care because she never really liked who Gus’s father was in the first place. The loving mother she portrayed when I was around ended the minute I walked out the door. Lindsay, like the rest of her set, got tired of playing with her new toy and ignored it. Which left Gus having to fend for himself when no one bothered with him. His therapist asked me to sit outside the sessions after I came unglued at my barely three-year-old son acting like it was normal to eat food left out for days on the table. The girls tried to say it was a one time thing, but Gus was talking now, and didn’t seem to have a problem explaining to the doctor, the judge, and his therapist, what went on at home. He ended up in foster care for a while because I had to be investigated, as well as the girls. I spent every minute I could with Gus, because the foster mother told the social worker Gus was worried I would disappear the way his Mama and Mom told him I would if he didn’t act like everything was what she told him to tell me. I couldn’t recoup the money in Gus’s account because Mel had control of it, but I didn’t care the day the court said Gus was mine. Lindsay cried a river, trying to convince everyone in the courtroom that I made Gus say the things he was saying. The doctor’s report showing the rashes and malnourishment from his exam of Gus didn’t have anyone believing a word she said, since Gus lived with her at the time.

I asked to have Gus’s name changed and the girls rights revoked until Gus was able to make his own decisions.

I looked out the loft window at the man who had sat in the courtroom, spewing my life out to make it sound like I was too worthless to care for anyone. He and Deb still want to think they have control over me. I picked up the phone and called the police, who are probably wishing they never heard the name Novotny, since they arrest them so often for violating my restraining orders. I watched one last time as the police handcuffed him and put him in the back of the car. New York was going to be a place where my life begins.