Chapter 18
Brian got up and motioned for Justin to join him.  They weren't going to stay and chat as they needed and wanted to go home and eat with Gus. When they got in the car, Justin asked, "What did you think of the topic tonight?"

Brian had many thoughts but knew he didn't have the time to explore them.  "I think we might need to wait until Gus goes to bed to answer that question.

"Okay,"  Justin said, wondering how their conversation would pan out.  He appreciated Brian not wanting to rush the conversation, but for the first time, he wished that they didn't have to go back to Brian's and eat with Gus as he would really like to discuss what had been talked about.  He respected Brian's judgment and knew they would talk about the topic after Gus went to bed.
 
Chapter 19
However, Brian didn't want to leave Justin totally in the dark about his thoughts. He said, "I swear AA must have a bug in my apartment, or my brain is wired somehow to the leaders.  Whenever something is going on in my life, it just happens to be the topic of the meeting.  It is really uncanny."

Justin smiled at Brian's comment.  He wasn't concerned that Brian was backing away from their relationship, but it was good to hear that Brian had evidently been thinking about their relationship.

"I know what you mean.  I really think that says more about the power of AA.  It is not geared to a specific point in time of recovery but the meetings are meant to be helpful no matter where you are in recovery.  I think that is why so many topics are repeated.  It seems that no matter when you hear them, a person can apply the information to their life at that moment."  

Justin picked up his phone and looked at a text message that his phone had notified him had recently arrived.  "Wow," he said, allowing himself to react to the comment.

"What's up?  You already told me all your work sold, so it can't be that,"  Brian commented.

"Oh, sorry.  I should have waited to look at the message,"  Justin said, feeling slightly guilty about looking at his phone when he and Brian were having a conversation.

"No apologies needed.  We were just discussing yesterday that even though you just finished an opening, you are always thinking and planning for your next piece. So, was it about your art or something else?  You don't have to tell me, just curious,"  Brian said, giving Justin an out if it was something personal that he didn't want to share.

"It's about a potential client.  Carol, my agent, said she was contacted by a firm that wanted to have me paint a mural for their new office building.  Seems the wife of the owner was at the show yesterday and was impressed.  Thousands of people could see my work and that would be a huge thing.  I can't wait to talk to Carol about the opportunity.  This may be the big break that I've been waiting for,"  Justin said, the excitement and hope evident in his voice as he raised the tone.

"That is exciting.  Was there a particular piece that she liked?  How does that work?  I mean do people just see your work and say I want a private piece"  Brian asked, curious about the specific aspects of Justin's world.  Brian realized that he and Justin had talked about the creative process on several occasions, but had never really discussed the impact of a show.  Of course, he knew that the purpose of having your art shown in an event was to get your name out in the public and also to sell your work, but he didn't know much else about the workings of an art career.

"Having an agent is really the first, all-important step. Once you have an agent, someone who believes in your work, they become the spokesperson for you.  They contact galleries, set up interviews, and generally get your work recognized.  Once you have someone who likes your work and is willing to do the contact,  then you can concentrate on developing the art."  Justin realized that he and Brian had never talked about the process of being an artist.  Brian knew he lived in an art community that housed his studio and that everyone there was an artist.  Brian had visited his home many times and they had cooked a number of meals after AA meetings, but Brian and he had never really talked about what his day was like nor how the art world truly worked.  He was pleased that Brian was curious, even though that aspect of his art was the least favorite.

"Before I had Carol, I spent most of my time just trying to convince a gallery to showcase my work or I was applying to every juried show I could find as a way to introduce my art.  Now that Carol is my agent, she is the one who negotiates where I show my work, what types of places she thinks I should try to get my art seen, and even talks to potential clients who might want a specific piece."  Justin looked out the window, noticing all the billboards that lined the street and highways, and wondered how many of those Brian had a hand in.  Justin knew that Brian's company was in advertising and he probably had a number of companies that were represented by popular billboards in the area.

"I've painted a few commercial pieces, but most people buy one of my pieces for their existing space.  When someone wants a specific piece for an office or their home, Carol is the one who negotiates the contract.  Thankfully, I don't have to do that.  The one thing that almost every artist hates is negotiating prices.  I know I have to sell my work and as I begin to be recognized more, the value of my work may increase.  But I've had pieces that have sold for a lot of money and I spent just a few hours creating them and then I've had pieces that sold for just a little over the cost of the canvas that I spent a lot of time creating.  It's not like an assembly line where the artist takes 4 hours to build x piece and labor is y amount, therefore you sell the item for Z."  Justin explained, even though he knew he didn't need to do that for Brian.

"I understand.  When Kinnetik signs a contract, I'm estimating how much time it will take to develop the campaign.  When the campaign takes more time, the material costs are higher, or the talent is more expensive than anticipated, we eat the cost.  I can't exactly go back to the client and say, ‘oh by the way, I need $10,000 because my team couldn't agree on the colors of the ad." Brian nodded as he explained a similar problem he had encountered.

Justin nodded in understanding and then continued to explain the process. "Of course, it always starts with a conversation regarding whether or not I would want the job.  And since I'm not well known at this point, she usually encourages me to accept any private requests,"  Justin explained. "I love creating art, everything else is a pain in the ass.  Sure, it's a thrill to see my work hung in a gallery, but all the work and hoopla that accompanies it... well, I just wish sometimes that I could just deliver my art to Carol and go on my merry way."

"You said that you really don't like openings as the patrons are always asking what the painting means or what were you thinking when you painted it. I bet it gets old when you have to explain for the 10th time that art is whatever the viewer thinks about it,"  Brian said.  "I guess I never really thought about the selling part of art.  Going to your opening yesterday was a thrill.  I mean, I knew the artist and your art is an extension of you. That was exciting to see your work hung up for everyone to view."

"Thanks.  I guess.  I know you get why I have a love/ hate relationship with openings.  But, unless I decide to try a different line of work, I'm stuck doing that part.  Maybe one day, I'll like it, but for now, it is a necessary evil."  Justin said, thinking back to the previous evening when he must have answered the question about what he was representing with a particular piece at least a dozen times.  Justin realized his text had sidetracked their conversation and he really wanted to have an opportunity to talk a little before they arrived back at the loft.

"Enough about the selling part of my job, we were talking about the power of AA,"  Justin said, hoping Brian would be willing to pick up where they left off.  He judged they had at least 10 minutes, maybe 15, depending on traffic before they arrived at Brian's home.

Brian made a swirl with his finger in the air and asked, "Where was that segway from?  But I get you'd rather talk about AA than the selling part of your art."  Brian smiled at Justin, letting him know he wasn't upset by the change in topic.

"I've been attending AA for 10 months, almost 11, and at 30 meetings a month, that is over 300 meetings.  The meetings are held at different locations but they are often led by the same people.  There are 52 weeks in a year and if the person leads the group only once a week, that's still 52 topics they have to come up with.  I think the odds are pretty high that the groups would talk about similar topics.  I just find it fascinating that the topics always seem to be appropriate for what I'm dealing with at that time.  Like I said, if I was a conspiracy theorist, I'd think that AA has a tracker on my brain,"  he said, tongue in cheek.

"Well, when you think about the topics that are covered, you'll see that there is a basic number from which to choose. Think about it.  There are the 12 steps, the chapters in the Big Book, 12 concepts of World Service, and then stuff that is in the monthly newsletter AA Grapevine.  Sure that is a lot of material, but as you pointed out you've attended over 300 meetings, it would be surprising that you hadn't heard a topic 2 or 3 times and sometimes even 2 times in the same week.  Now, if you attended the same group every day, I think the odds would be even higher."  Justin said, pointing out the basic places where leaders get their ideas.

"Do you ever feel that there should be only one group a person attends?  I mean that would cut down on the repetition and then the people would really get to know each other really well,"  Brian asked.  He was signaling to get off the highway and knew they only had a few minutes to discuss the issue.

"I've thought about it, but I think attending different meetings has distinct advantages in that every group is made up of different people, giving you the opportunity to hear lots of opinions and many takes on recovery.  Recovery is really different for everybody and if you always heard the viewpoint of the same 10-12 people, I think you would miss out on a lot of growth,"  Justin said, remembering when he had the same thoughts and questions.  "I had a similar discussion with my sponsor.  Maybe I'm biased, but I think he was right.  No one way is the correct way and every person has to make recovery personal.  If you only talk about recovery with the same 10-12 people, you limit your growth opportunities.  Besides, if you only attended one group, then the other 6 days you would be without a group.  I think it is important to attend a group every day, especially early in recovery,"  Justin shared his opinion and realized that this discussion could easily lead to the topic they were putting off until later that evening.  "Because recovery is different for everybody and no one can tell you when to move to the next step or when you are ready for something,"  Justin said, purposefully not mentioning relationships.

"Ah, I see we have come full circle," Brian commented.  "Something is a euphemism for relationships.  And I guess on that note, we truly will have to wait to continue our conversation as we are turning into the garage of my building,"  Brian said as he parked the car.  He undid his seatbelt and leaned over and kissed Justin.  "Thanks for agreeing to wait.  I promise we will talk after Gus goes to bed."
 
Justin kissed him back and they enjoyed a few minutes alone before getting out of the car to join Gus for dinner.  At dinner, Gus shared all the steps needed to cook the chicken including the fun he and Emmett had pounding the chicken breast.  Gus was not an aggressive boy, but he did get a kick out of the mallet and the fact that even cooks got to pound things.  After dinner, Gus, Brian, and Justin watched the new Jurassic Park movie and then it was time for Gus to go to bed.

Before going to his room to get ready for bed, he asked, "Dad, what are we going to do tomorrow?  We went shopping on Friday and did stuff this afternoon.  Do you have work to do or can we go somewhere?"

"I hadn't thought about it, Gus. You've got to be at Debbie's by 4:00, but there really isn't anything on the agenda.  Do you have something in mind?"

"I know you said you'd take me to see Justin's exhibit..... Could we go there?"  Gus asked, hoping Brian would say yes.

"What do you think, Justin?  Do you think the crowds will have died down enough?  The opening was Friday,"  Brian asked, knowing how much Gus really wanted to do this but not sure if going this soon was a good idea.

"Sure.  If we go earlier in the day, it should be fine.  Maybe the three of us could cook breakfast together and then go to the exhibit afterward,"  Justin said, thinking that would be a fun thing to do since Gus liked to cook.

Gus smiled widely as he looked at his father for approval.  "That would be awesome.  Justin could show me some stuff to cook for breakfast.  Usually, I have cereal or me and Dad hit the diner.  Do you like to cook, Justin?"

"I love to cook.  I've been teaching your dad how to cook.  He makes a mean curry,"  Justin said, thinking about how fun it would be to cook with Brian and Gus.  He enjoyed cooking with Brian and was enjoying watching Brian learn his way around the kitchen.  He thought it would be really fun to watch Gus grow in that area as well.  "I would love to cook breakfast with you and Brian. I think it would be fun."  Turning toward Brian he asked, " Do you have food to cook for breakfast and I don't mean toaster waffles or microwave pancakes?"

Brian frowned and said, "I've got eggs, cheese, and I think there are some colored peppers in the fridge.  I think we picked up some bacon at the store too; although bacon is not my preference.  Too much fat,"  Brian said.  ‘I have no idea what would be involved in making pancakes or waffles but I doubt we have those ingredients."

Justin nodded and said, "omelets it is.  I can work with that."

"Okay Sonny Boy, we will make breakfast in the morning and we'll figure out something after that.  The entire day does not have to be planned.  For now, you need to go to bed or tomorrow will never get here,"  Brian said as he waved his hand in the general direction of Gus' bedroom.

Gus grinned and walked over to Brian and gave him a hug and then turned toward Justin to give him one as well.  "Night, Dad.  Night, Justin,"  He said and then went to his room.

Brian said, "I'll go tell him goodnight.  Do you want to make coffee?"

"Sure, I'll start a pot,"  Justin answered and then walked toward the kitchen, feeling as comfortable in Brian's kitchen as he did in his own.

Brian joined him a few minutes later as he was getting mugs out for coffee.

"So... Now, you are cooking breakfast with my son.  What's next?  Are the three of us going to go shopping together?"  Brian said, the teasing in his voice evident.

Justin reached for the door of the fridge and got out the creamer, pouring some into his mug.   The coffee was brewed and he poured some coffee into the mug as well and then poured some into Brian's mug.  "It could happen,"  Justin said and thought this was a great segue to their earlier conversation.  "speaking of doing things together, I'd love to finish our conversation from earlier tonight."

Brian smiled and didn't hesitate.  "Sure.  Let's take our coffee into the living room where we can be comfortable,"  Brian said.  They walked into the living room and each man got out a coaster, setting their mugs on them.

Justin picked up his coffee mug shortly after setting it down and took a few sips from it and then set it back down.  "I asked you what you thought about the discussion tonight.  You asked about getting into a relationship.  I'd like to know what you were thinking."

Brian lifted his mug off the coaster and blew across the top of the coffee mug and then took a few sips, smiling at the taste of the fresh roast.  "Cleo encouraged me to write down my thoughts and I've been doing that for a few months now.  Sometimes I'm really surprised by what I write."  Brian stopped talking, looking at Justin to see if he would question him, but Justin just nodded acknowledging his statement.

"We've talked a lot about dating and relationships and what that means for each of us. Each time, I've told you that I'm so inexperienced that I have no idea what that means, but I think that is changing.  The other day at our meeting the leader talked about dating and tonight our leader talked about relationships.  I know I've said it before, but I swear they must have a connection to my brain.  I kinda think that they're a little different.  One is about dating and getting out there but the other one is about a relationship. Until a few days ago I would never have thought that not talking to you and hanging out with you would be such a big deal.... until you weren't available."  Brian bit the side of his lower lip and worried about it a little before continuing.  

"And we saw firsthand that it was a big deal... but as you and Cleo keep reminding me, I handled it.  I used my strategies and did not drink.  Tonight, when Sam talked about relationships, it got me thinking about us."  Brian stopped talking as he got a faraway look in his eye.

"Care to share what you were thinking?"  Justin asked after a bit when Brian hadn't spoken.

Justin's words brought him back to their conversation. "Sure,  I listened to all the people in the meeting and they all talked about how you have to know where you are in your sobriety and feel confident in it before adding a relationship to it,"  Brian said, summarizing his thoughts about the meeting.  

"And while I freaked out that I had screwed up by going to Woody's, thanks to you and Cleo, I realize that was not the case.  I did exactly what I was supposed to do.  I called my sponsor and left the temptation."  Brian was quiet for a few moments and added, "Sure, that is only one example, but I think I've got this, especially after talking with you and Cleo.  Both of you told me that the desire to drink again is never totally gone and that you still are tempted to do so gives me hope.  If I had to wait until I never wanted a drink again, I guess that would mean I would never be ready for a relationship."  Brian grinned and Justin nodded his head.

"Sure, I'm not experienced in dating or relationships, but I think in some ways that is a good thing.  I've never disappointed a partner by drinking and I've never fought about my drinking with anyone.  I haven't screwed up relationships by drinking either.  I kind of think that gives me a leg up in the relationship department.  I'm not really trying to unlearn bad habits or patch up a failing relationship.  Instead,  I'm learning how to have a healthy relationship from the beginning."

Justin found Brian's thoughts very interesting.  "I never thought about it like that, but it does make sense in a way.  You're saying that since you aren't trying to undo bad habits that might have led to really bad relationships, you are in a position to explore a relationship because you are now comfortable with who you are."
 
"Got it.  I know you have told me that I don't have to share what I write in my journal, that it's for me, but I'd like to talk about it,"  Brian said, realizing he was eager to discuss this topic with Justin.
Justin said, "I'm always interested in your thoughts Brian.  I find you a very interesting man and I'm eager to hear what's going on in your head.

"I've come to the conclusion that I'm ready to have a relationship with you.  We've been talking about dating and you've been educating me about what that means and I finally think I get it.  These last few days I've really come to realize that I miss you when you're not around and I really don't like it when I don't see you.  If that is what a relationship means, then I guess that means that I passed the entrance exam," Brian said.

"I know we've had a lot of discussions about dating and what that means.  I'm glad that you feel you are ready to be in a relationship.  What changed your mind?"  Justin asked, eager to hear Brian's answer and happy with their discussion.

"I think there are a lot of things that led me to this conclusion.  When I think back to the very first time we met and I tried to entice you into bed and you adamantly refused, even telling me that if I continued the pursuit you would walk away, I cringe.  I am so glad that I am not that person anymore.  I mean I'm still me, but I have learned that having my dick sucked is not the end all be all of my life.  I'm so much more than my cock."  Brian said, choosing not to use euphemisms and be blunt about his activities.

"Soon after that night, I realized that tricking was not a great idea since the places that I usually went were also the places where I drank and I wasn't ready to separate the two activities.  Now, I know that I don't need to go to the bars or to Woodys and I'm fine with my life.  In fact, I have a whole life that doesn't involve going to the bars and that was a huge eye-opener.  I couldn't imagine what my life would look like if I didn't hang out at the bars, but now I know that there is a whole life that doesn't involve them."  Brian stopped and picked up his coffee mug and drank several sips.  It had cooled down a little but was still plenty hot.

Justin drank some of his coffee and reached out to give Brian's thigh a squeeze and continued to rest it there.

"I worked the program and realized that I was still attracted to you but I wasn't going to do anything about it.  I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that it wasn't a good idea.  But then, well.... "  Brian smiled, picked up Justin's hand, and in a very uncharacteristic move, brought it to his mouth for a light kiss, and then placed it back on his leg.  "Someone got a little carried away with the moment and kissed me."  Brian teased Justin and continued, "and that as they say, changed everything."

Brian continued.  "I know I really didn't answer your question, but for me, it was and is a journey.  I started my journey with you as I did with all men that I found appealing:  propositioning you to get in my bed.  You turned me down and that was a first.  No one turned down a fuck from Brian Kinney.  Yet you didn't think twice about turning me down and even threatened to walk away if I continued pushing you.  That was probably the first step in my journey of relationships.  I realized, subconsciously, that you were different.  You didn't want to be with me because you wanted to have sex, you were there for other reasons."

"I remember that first night.  You propositioned me and if it had been another venue, I probably would have said yes,"  Justin said, as he remembered the night in question.  "It would have been a bad thing for many reasons.  You were very vulnerable.  I remember it was your first time at AA.  You had hit rock bottom and were reaching out for help.  While sex would have felt good, it was not the help you needed.  I needed to be there for you as a person in recovery, a role model as it were.  AA wasn't the place to pick up a trick,"  Justin shared his thoughts and memories of that first night.

"Right.  But, unbeknownst to me, that first night started a domino effect.  I didn't know who I was, what I wanted out of life, what I liked to do, and of course, I had no idea what a relationship was or even if I wanted one.  Of course, I can't forget the all-important piece of knowing and understanding my drinking.  I drank to hide from getting to know who I was and what I wanted.  I haven't taken a drink in over 10 months, close to 11 and I've learned a lot about myself during that time."  Brian ran his hand through his hair and gave Justin a small smile.

"Thanks to you, Cleo, AA, my journaling, and many hours of discussion with myself, I'm feeling really good about who I am and what I want.  Tonight, when Sam was talking about relationships and how I needed to be comfortable with my sobriety and who I was before starting a relationship, I was thinking that I am comfortable.  While I don't think that I know everything about myself or my sobriety, I feel confident enough that I'm ready to do this.  Sure, I had to be reminded that I did use my strategies and left Woody's, but I did it.  Thinking back on the last few days, I feel pretty damn good about the whole thing."

"I'm glad that you feel good about what happened at Woody's.  I'm proud of your actions and proud of you,"  Justin said, but felt compelled to add.  "But Brian, you do realize that there will be more incidents and times that you want to drink.  I'm not saying that you will slip up, but I just have to put it out there."

Brian sighed loudly.  "I know, but I also know I have lots of support to help.  Between you, Cleo, Ted, Emmett, and even Gus, I've got a lot of people who believe in me and of course, I can't forget myself.  I believe in myself.  I'm not naive thinking that I will never have another incident where I want to drink, but I feel confident that I can handle it and many people have my back."  Brian stretched his arm out and made a sweeping motion with it.

"I feel confident in my sobriety and my support system.  Even though I wish the blip hadn't happened, it made me realize I've got this.  So..... Sam's statement about feeling confident in your sobriety is one area I've got check boxed.  As for the second area, I think that it follows from the first.  Knowing my support network is part of knowing who I am and what I want."  Brian let that sentence hang in the air for a few moments and leaned closer to Justin and said, "And I want you in my life.  I want to know that I will see you, preferably daily,"  Brian smiled, touched Justin's hand, and ran his hand back and forth over it.

"Gus really likes you and I think he has a good head on his shoulders.  Hopefully, that gives you the answer that you were wanting.  I don't think I consciously said, oh, I'm ready to have a relationship.  I think it is more like I'm comfortable with the idea and as I keep coming back to the incident at Woody's, my mind and body miss you when you aren't here."  Brian scooted closer to Justin and kissed him gently on the lips and then looked at him to see his response.

"What do you think?  I've told you my thoughts but I'd like to hear yours,"  Brian asked.

Justin thought for a few moments while he took another drink of his coffee.  It was almost empty and he got up to refill the mug.  As he poured the coffee and added sugar and cream, he thought about his response.  Returning to the living room, he inhaled the aroma of his coffee before placing the hot coffee on the coaster.  Turning toward Brian, he said, "I think Sam's words had merit.  Unlike you, I've had some really shitty relationships and they taught me things too.  I learned what I didn't want.  I need to feel in control of my life and to feel that my career is important. You're not hanging on my coattails in order for me to introduce you to the next big artist or to use me to support you.  You've supported me as an artist, not just by attending my shows, although that has been appreciated.  While our careers are different, there are some similarities as we are both in creative pursuits and a 9:00-5:00 clock doesn't always fit our lives. Of course, that means that we can't always see each other when we want,"  Justin said, alluding to their difficulties in the last few weeks.

"Sure, I've been sober for longer than you, but that doesn't mean that I'm not ready or am more ready than you for a relationship.  I think the comment that was made tonight about having to unlearn bad habits really hit home.  I had to recognize and accept that I've made some bad choices in my past relationships and I had to learn what I wanted in order to have a successful one."  Justin leaned forward and said, "And I want you.  I want us.  I think together we are great."  Justin kissed Brian on the lips and sat back just as Brian had a few minutes earlier.

"After 10 months, we're on the same page.  Brian Kinney is in a relationship.  I know I would have never said those words nor would I have imagined that those words would ever come out of my mouth.  But I gotta tell you, I'm pretty happy about this.  I'm ready to see where this leads.  And right now, I think it should lead to hot sex in my bedroom."  Brian waved his arm toward his bedroom and raised his eyebrows as he asked Justin's opinion.

"I think... I think that is an excellent suggestion.  Lead the way,"  Justin said, leaving his coffee to sit and grow cold.

The two men walked to the bedroom, holding hands and smiling.  Brian closed the door and reached for Justin, pulling him in for a smoldering kiss, arms wrapped tightly around each other's torsos, and their bodies pressed together as they pushed into each other. Soon fingers were busy unbuttoning buttons and taking off shirts in order to feel skin-on-skin contact.  The two men were still standing just inside the door, with no thoughts but enjoying each other's bodies.

Their erections were pressing on tight denim, demanding release from their respective cloth prisons.  Justin undid the button and zip on Brian's jeans and Brian followed suit on Justin's clothing.  As soon as the jeans were loose, Justin quickly pulled down Brian's jeans and underwear, barely breaking their kiss for a moment to complete the action.  Brian broke their kiss and mirrored Justin's actions as he stepped out of his jeans and motioned for Justin to do the same.  Both men were naked, their erections jutting out from their bodies, saluting the other man.

Without words, Brian moved them to the bed where they fell to the mattress, barely breaking their kiss.  Their bodies rubbed together, enjoying the friction unencumbered by denim or cotton.  Kissing and exploring each other's mouths they inhaled each other's unique scent and relished the taste of coffee.
Unconsciously Brian realized he wanted more than frottage or a blow job.  He reached for the bowl that he had by the edge of his bed, but found it empty.  He growled in frustration.

The noise surprised Justin and he stopped kissing Brian and asked, "something wrong?"

"Shit!" Brian said.

"Brian?"  Justin asked, wondering what was happening. They had been enjoying themselves and obviously, something was going on but he was unsure what it was.

"I was trying to grab a condom, but there aren't any here.  I used to keep them in this bowl by the bed, so they'd always be handy."

"A condom?"  Justin asked, unsure how he felt about the situation.

TBC