On Monday morning, Brian went to work.  Ted saw him in the break room making coffee and went in.

"I heard that you're taking Justin on a date.  Congratulations," Ted said as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

Brian shook his head and raised his eyes to the ceiling.  "So he didn't just tell Mel and Linds.  What did he do, announce it at the dinner table?"  Brian asked, hating that everyone knew his business. 

Ted laughed.  "Actually, Deb asked about his weekend and he went into this long discourse about dating, fake dating, and how you take Justin's sister on fake dates so she won't be asked on dates by other guys.  It was very entertaining.  I take it Lindsay called you?"

A few members of Brian's staff came into the break room to put away their lunches and get their morning coffee.  Brian said, "Let's move this to my office.  I don't need my staff talking."  Brian topped off his coffee and walked toward his office.

He walked to the white leather couch in his office, sat down, and motioned for Ted to join him.  He placed his mug on a coaster that was placed on the glass coffee table in front of the couch.  As the head of Kinnetik, he found a more relaxed office appropriate.  Any formal meetings would be held in the conference room so the couch was more conducive to brainstorming and talking. 

"I guess it is my own fault that he announced the date to the world.  He saw us kissing in the kitchen and asked us if we were dating and when I talked to him about the birthday party he was going to this weekend, I mentioned that I was going to take Justin on a date.  I felt that I needed to keep him abreast of what was happening.  He seemed to be okay with the idea, seeing how he really likes Justin."  Brian picked up his coffee and took a sip, now that it had cooled again.

"There is nothing wrong with dating, Brian.  What are you going to do?"  Ted asked, curious what a date with Brian Kinney would look like.  He was pretty certain that Brian had not made a habit of dating before he started his sobriety journey, preferring to have anonymous sex rather than explore a possible relationship.  Ted took a sip of his own coffee.

"I have no idea.  Justin said first dates often involve meeting for coffee, but we've been doing that since the beginning.  If that is a date, we've been on at least a couple hundred of them,"  Brian said as he shrugged his shoulders.  Brian thought about how easy it was to talk to Ted about this topic and chalked another one in Cleo's corner.  Cleo's tutelage about how talking was an important skill was obviously correct.  He smiled at the thought of being on a hundred dates with Justin. 

"You could still go for a coffee.  It's different now,  He's not your sponsor.  I imagine that many of your coffees revolved around discussing the contents of your meetings and your sobriety journey,"  Ted commented as he thought back to his first date with Blake, frowning when he remembered how it had ended, him in a hospital, waking up from an overdose.

"Why the frown?"  Brian said, noticing the change in Ted's demeanor.

"I was just remembering my first hook up with Blake.  It didn't exactly end like I was hoping unless you count waking up from a coma a few days later a good date,"  Ted said, the sarcasm not lost on Brian.

"I'd forgotten about that.  And you still hooked up later?"  Brian looked at his friend and he started to wonder if Ted was the right person to discuss this issue with.  "I guess seeing him in rehab made you realize that there was hope to get clean,"  Brian remembered that period when Ted was addicted.  It wasn't easy to forget some of the colossal mistakes he made but he had more than made up for his indiscretions.

"I guess you could say we were like you and Blake without the hospital visit.  Justin knows all about my addiction and a helluva lot about me,"  Brian said, turning back to the earlier discussion.  "It's sort of like you and Blake.  I mean he was your counselor in rehab wasn't he?"  Brian asked, verifying Ted and Blake's start.

"Yeah, he was.  As my counselor, he learned a lot of things about me and my addiction, but not necessarily about me as a person.  You can't truly separate the two, but you should try and approach the date as a fresh start, getting to know Justin,"  Ted said as he picked up his mug and took a drink.

"Justin is always talking about getting to know each other and he gave me a litany of things we could discuss.  Do you mean that is what dating is?  Having coffee and sitting around talking?  I'm not sure I want to do that,"  Brian said, having second thoughts on the whole dating thing.

"No, Brian.  Dating is not just sitting around talking and having endless coffee dates.  It's about learning about the person, finding out what makes them tick, and seeing if you enjoy being with them.  The purpose of dating is really to find a partner.  If you just want anonymous sex, then dating isn't necessary.  You can hook up with a trick any time."

Ted's words hit Brian like a freight train.  He had never really put the two ideas:  dating and sex together; always thinking of them as separate activities.  "You're saying that the two things are like a continuum?  Sex is one end of the spectrum and dating is on the other end?  The whole purpose of dating is to find a partner while sex is on the other end of getting together with people?"

Ted thought about Brian's statement and nodded.  "Sure.  I guess you could put it like that.  People date so that they can have someone they can share their life with.  They are looking for that person who complements them.  In general, people like to have other people in their lives that care about them.  That is why people date."

"Well, I like having Justin around and he likes having me around.  Maybe we're past the dating stage?"  Brian asked, hoping that Ted would confirm that he didn't need to do anything else.

"Brian, you're never past the dating stage.  People who have been together for years, still date.  Life gets in the way of your relationship.  We get involved in work, children, and our homes.  It's important to take time to reconnect with your partner, otherwise, you become people who sleep together but have no time to do the things that brought you together in the first place.  Blake and I make it a point to go on a date at least once a week."

"There are so many nuances to dating and relationships. Where do you learn all this shit?  I sure as hell didn't learn it from my parents.  I doubt they were ever on the relationship spectrum.  They were having sex and my mom got knocked up.  As the good Catholic she was, she got married.  I doubt she actually dated my dad and thought of him as a partner.  If she did, she had low expectations,"  Brian said as he thought about his childhood and his parent's union.  He wouldn't go so far as to call it a partnership as he didn't think of it as anything but two people living together who had little in common but the two children they had as a result of having sex. 

The office noises were getting a little louder.  Someone had turned on the copy machine and the dim ring of the phones was familiar background noise to Brian. " Brian, there aren't really guidelines.  Some people go as far as making suggestions or guidelines regarding dating such as you shouldn't have sex on the first date and you should pay your own way or the person who asks the other person out should pay for the activity.  Some people feel safer having the date in an open space like a coffee shop so they have people around.  Other people set a time limit on the date.  There are just so many options.  For you and Justin, it's not like you are meeting for the first time.  You've eaten together and spent time together, so you don't have that pressure.  Do something fun, out of the box, or do something you both have done before but concentrate on getting to know Justin."  Ted's phone beeped at him.  "That's my alarm to remind me to gather my files to bring to the exec meeting.  My boss will be unhappy if I'm not prepared," Ted said, tongue in cheek.

Brian grabbed his coffee cup and said, "Yeah.  Not a good thing to make the boss unhappy.  Thanks for your time."

"Bri, one last thing.  Relax.  You already know you like Justin.  It's just your opportunity to get to know him better.  I'm sure whatever you decide will be fine."  Ted watched as Brian walked out of his office and he opened his drawer to grab the needed files.

Brian went to his office to gather his files for the meeting and put his thoughts about the upcoming date to the back of his mind so he could concentrate on work.  The day was busy and he didn't have a lot of time to think about the topic. He was surprised when his phone alarm went off reminding him that he needed to stop so he could go to his meeting.  It had been a week since he saw Cleo and he was eager to meet up.

As he did when he attended his other meetings, he looked for Cleo and spotted him by the coffee table.  Brian went up to him, and greeted him, but did not take a cup of coffee.

"The coffee here is worse than at most meetings. I think they purposely over brew it so it lasts all day," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

Cleo laughed. "You really are a connoisseur.  I'm glad I don't do your shopping,"  Cleo said as he looked at Brian, his suitcoat missing, but his clothes still shouting power and money. 

They attended the meeting and went for coffee afterward.  As they sat at the small table in the local diner, their waitress brought a pot of coffee to the table.  "I know you gentlemen will probably want the whole pot,"  she said as she recognized them from their weekly meeting.

"I'm glad you are checking in more regularly, Brian.  Anything you want to talk about?"

Cleo asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"My sobriety is going well.  I think it is really working out that I meet you once a week and the other nights I go to meetings with Justin.  I asked him on a date but now can't figure out what to do on said date."

Cleo did not want to give dating advice as that was very individual but he wanted to acknowledge Brian's statement since it was obviously something he was thinking about.  Cleo had discovered that he could not nor did he want to make the agenda for the people he sponsored. 

"You like to have things planned and it bothers you that you don't know what to do?"  Cleo asked, trying to help Brian solidify his discomfort.

Brian smiled.  "Exactly.  I hadn't put it in that perspective, but that is right.  You hit it on the head."  Brian put sugar and creamer into his coffee and stirred it with a spoon, and then laid the spoon on the saucer.  "I like to have a plan.  At work, I'm used to developing campaigns months in advance.  I have to.  It takes a lot of planning to roll out a fresh idea and it doesn't just happen. I even plan my weekends with Gus.  While I leave the specific activity up to him, I always have an idea of what our days will look like."

"Going on a date is something you aren't used to so it causes some anxiety,"  Cleo said, further explaining the situation.

Brian grinned and shook his head slightly in amusement at his own expense.  "You're telling me that my unease with the whole dating thing is due to my lack of ability to plan something?  That sounds so lame."

Cleo raised his eyebrows and raised his hand slightly off the table pushing it out a few inches, giving a non-verbal invitation to Brian to continue talking.

"I like to be in control. That's what planning is all about.  If I don't plan I feel that I am out of control,"  Brian said and stopped to drink some coffee and gather his thoughts.

"I couldn't control or rather didn't want to deal with my feelings, so I learned that I needed to control as much of my life as I could.  I attempted to eliminate the unknown,  Now, I'm pushing for new adventures and that is causing me anxiety."  Brian said as his mind attempted to integrate this new information.   "How am I doing?"

"What do you think?  How are you doing?"  Cleo answered, not providing any real answer.  He found Brian an unusually insightful man and enjoyed getting to understand and explore his thoughts with him.

"Saying the words out loud makes me realize that I'm on to something.  I like to know exactly where I am and what I'm doing.  Every decision I make is very calculated and I don't really do many if any, things on the fly.  Dating is so novel and unknown that I'm struggling with the idea because I don't have a road map."  Brian responded to the question and picked up the menu from the stainless holder.  He spent a few minutes looking over the menu deciding if he really was hungry enough for a meal or if he wanted anything at all.  He needed a little distraction from talking. 

Cleo recognized the move but didn't call Brian on his tactics, allowing Brian to process his thoughts.

Brian put back the menu and the waitress came over to the table.  "I'll have a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with mustard and cheese,"  Brian said. 

Cleo said, "I'll have the meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans."

"Coming right up.  Can I bring you any more coffee?"  the waitress asked.

Both men said no and she left to put their order in.

"I guess the key here is that I like to know what I'm doing so the destination is not really that critical for me.  If I have a plan, I'll be good."

"I think that is a good idea but I encourage you to think a little beyond an initial plan of what to do.  You said dating is unfamiliar to you.  So I would like to encourage you to think about what you want from the date.  Make a plan for dating.  There is nothing wrong with making a road map,"  Cleo said as he thought about what his dating days were like. 

"A roadmap?  What do you mean?"  Brian asked, a puzzled look on his face.

"What is your goal in going on this date?  Do you want to expand your relationship with Justin?  Do you want to have a physical relationship with him or do you want to have someone to hang out with minus the physical piece?  Are you looking for someone to be with for a while or someone to be with forever?"  Cleo stopped his questions, not wanting to overwhelm Brian.  He felt that those few would be sufficient for now, even if they were pretty big questions.

"My friend Ted said that dating's purpose is to find someone you want to be in a long-term relationship with.  If that is true it explains why I never dated.  The thought of spending a lifetime with anyone never occurred to me.  My parent's marriage didn't exactly fill me with a desire to find a partner.  Besides, I'm gay, settling down is unnatural."  Brian said.

"Hmmm,"  Cleo said.  He wondered if Brian really felt that way or was that his coping mechanisms coming into play. 

Brian said, "What?"  He looked at Cleo, expecting an answer.  While he had been working with Cleo for about 6 weeks at this point, he had gotten to know him and his style.  Cleo was very good and offered thoughts and expected Brian to think about them and whether they fit his situation or not.   

"I just find your answers contradictory,"  Cleo said.  "You say that you don't want a relationship, but you keep going back to this date you have set up with Justin.  You're telling me that you want it to be successful, but then you backtrack and say that you settling down isn't something that gay men do.  I know this is all new to you, but I really think that you need to examine your feelings in this area before you move forward.  Like I told you before, you need to know what you want so you know if you are getting there,"  Cleo explained his comment and stopped talking. The silence confirmed his suspicions about Brian, he wasn't really sure what he wanted.

"I thought dating was supposed to help you figure out if the person was right for you.  At least that is what I got from Ted.  You're telling me it is something else?"  Brian asked, not enjoying this conversation like he normally did.

"What are you feeling right now, Brian?"  Cleo asked, sensing Brian's increasing discomfort.

"I feel tense, angry, confused.  A lot of things.  But why does that matter?  We are talking about dating.  Is this what a sponsor typically does?  Push all the buttons of the person they are sponsoring?  If so, I think I'll decline."  Brian said, getting a little defensive and reaching for his wallet so he could pay for his food.

"Brian, I won't stop you from leaving the table, but I encourage you to take a deep breath and really think about what is going on,"  Cleo said.  "Are you mad at me or the situation?"

Brian put his hand back on the table and took a deep breath like Cleo suggested.  "Okay, I'll stay, but what the fuck was that all about?  Is this some trial to see if you can get me so mad I do something I would regret?  If so, I can tell you I'm tempted, but I'm not going to do that."

"Good. I'm glad that you aren't going to take a drink just because you have some feelings you don't like.  My goal is to always help you, Brian.  But right now, you are fighting your emotions and historically when you aren't acknowledging your emotions, you turn to the bottle."  The waitress brought their food to the table and both men ignored their food, just looked at each other.

"I'm trying to help you work through some new emotions and evidently you are struggling.  I'm sorry that I made you angry, but I prefer to make you angry now than to see you drink."  Cleo looked at Brian, trying to gauge his reaction and hoping that he had calmed down enough to listen.

Brian picked up his sandwich, taking off the top piece of bread to see if there was sufficient mustard on it.  He placed the bread back on the sandwich, flipped it over, and took off the bread on the other side.  Satisfied that there was mustard on both sides he picked up the half sandwich and took a bite, not really tasting the food. 

Cleo took the ketchup bottle from the stainless steel stand at the end of the table and squirted some onto his plate.  After picking up his fork, he cut off a small piece of meatloaf and dipped it in the ketchup before eating it.  "The meatloaf is good.  I don't really want to know what they do to it to make it this tasty,"  he said, trying to break some of the tension at the table with small talk.

Brian felt the adrenaline slowing down in his body and took a few deep breaths before saying, "I'm sorry.  I know you are trying to help me,"  Brian looked down at his plate rather than at Cleo.

"Brian, apology accepted but not necessary.  What's really important here is your reaction to my question.  You went from discussing your views on dating to angry, frustrated, and tense in a short period of time.  I know these are uncomfortable feelings for you and you are still struggling to adjust to feelings in general,"  Cleo said, keeping his words short, still unsure how ready Brian was to continue their previous conversation.  He knew Brian needed to work on handling his feelings but he could not force Brian to do so.  It had to come from Brian's decision and desire to handle his emotions as well as acknowledge his feelings.

"Shit!  Here I was feeling that I was handling life pretty well, and bam I decide to date and my whole world goes to crap," Brian said, sensationalizing the situation.

Cleo raised his eyebrows at Brian's statement and said, "Interesting choice of words.  Your world goes to crap.  Care to explain that statement as I'm not sure I understand?"

Brian shook his head and said, "Fuck!  All I want to do is hang out with Justin.  I feel like everyone, him included, has expectations about dating and what we should be doing and I don't want to fail,"  Brian admitted.  Brian picked up his sandwich to take another bite but put it back on his plate and picked up his coffee cup instead to take a drink.

"I understand.  You like order and the order helps you feel in control.  Dating is too uncertain for you,"  Cleo said, trying to help Brian solidify his thoughts.  He took another bite of his meatloaf, enjoying the taste as he waited for Brian to process the information.

Brian picked up his sandwich and this time took a bite, slowly chewing the food if only to delay responding to Cleo's observations. 

"Emotions and feelings are not all they are cracked up to be if they make me go into a tailspin at the thought of spending time with someone I like.  What the hell is wrong with me?"  Brian asked, hoping Cleo could shed some light on the situation.  Brian wanted answers.

Cleo smiled and said, "There is nothing wrong with you, Brian.  You're just a little late to the party. People typically start dating in high school or their early 20s.  The rush of meeting someone new and learning about them is exciting.  When you were that age you were trying to escape your family.  Dating and all that goes with it was not even on your radar."

"I was more interested in getting off and I became really good at it.  But I'm a gay man and gay guys by nature just want to get off.  Dating isn't all that important to them,"  Brian said, trying yet again to convince Cleo of his long-standing belief.

"Again, Brian, you're hiding behind things that you told yourself to protect yourself.  If you really didn't believe in dating, you wouldn't have asked Justin for a date.  I think you are trying to convince yourself that if you fail, it's because gay men don't date and not something to do with you. You learned early on that feelings and emotions were something you could control by hiding them in a bottle.  Since you had little or no control of your home life, you took what you could control, your emotions, and handled them."  

"Let me get this straight.  You're telling me that I'm freaking out because I can't control the situation and that all the planning and order that I espouse is a result of wanting order due to the chaos that I grew up in?  That's some heavy guessing?"  Brian said as he picked up his sandwich to take another bite.  He was amazed at what Cleo said and asked,  "You sure you aren't some shrink when you're not being my sponsor?  You come up with some deep stuff"

Cleo laughed.  "No, I'm not a therapist but I have been in therapy and see a lot of myself in you.  As you mentioned when we first met that one of the things that drew you to me was the fact that I came from an abusive home.  I'm not saying that all kids that are abused have the same problems, but there are some definite themes and things that they often have in common. 

"Let's just say you are right.  What the fuck do I do about it?  It's not like I can turn back time and have a fabulous childhood?"  Brian asked, sincerely hoping Cleo had some helpful ideas.

"You've already conquered the first step by asking what to do.  It is sort of like an addiction; recognizing you have a problem is the first step in the process.  I can't tell you some magic formula but I can tell you that it all goes back to the beginning.  Knowing what you want will help you get where you are going.  Goals are not just for business, sales projections, or profit margins.  People are more successful in achieving the things they want when they develop specific goals in life and have a strategy to reach them."

"Everything comes back to knowing what I want.  If I figure that out, I can figure out how to get there?"  Brian asked, summarizing the conversation.

"Right, but I'm going to go back to my original question that started our conversation.  What do you want when it comes to Justin?"

"I don't like labels.  I find them arbitrary.  But if I had to label what I want for the popular convention, I would say I want to date him and I want him around.  So, I guess I'm back where I started trying to figure out what I want to do on this date,"  Brian said, smiling widely at the thought of being with Justin. 

"I like your smile, Brian.  You have to learn to trust your feelings, both good and bad, and hopefully, life will give you more good ones. I'm sure you will be fine." Cleo said as he finished the last bite of his meatloaf.  "Having said that, feel free to call me if you are feeling anxious or tense and need someone to lean on.  I'm here for whatever you need."

"Thanks.  I'll keep that in mind.  I'll let you know how it all goes down.  The date is Friday night,"  Brian said, his mind already thinking about options.

"Good."  Cleo waved to the waitress, signaling their desire for their respective checks.  "I'll talk to you tomorrow," gently reminding Brian that he still wanted him to check in regularly.

"Of course. Maybe, by tomorrow I'll even have some idea of what I'm going to do on our date,"  Brian said, assuring Cleo he was still vested in this process.

They paid their bills, walked out to their cars, and drove away.

When Brian got home, he checked his mail and then changed into comfortable clothing.  He went to the bookshelf to grab his journal and got out his special pen, opening it to the last entry.  He dated the entry for today and started to write.

Met with Cleo tonight and he said some very interesting things.  I've been really struggling with what to do on my date with Justin and he pointed out that I was contradicting myself.  On the one hand, I stated that I was worried about the date and possible relationship with Justin but on the other hand I was telling him that I don't think it is natural for gay men to settle down.  He told me that this was contradictory.  We discussed a lot of shit tonight but it basically boils down to feelings and my desire to be in control. 

I need to be in control and that is why I'm so good at my job.  I know how long it takes for a campaign to move forward and be put into action.  I can control every step of the process and there is a distinct order to the campaign. 

When I started my sobriety journey, I didn't tell anyone for fear that it would get back to Lindsay and she would interpret it in some convoluted way to stop me from seeing Gus.  That is why I contacted a lawyer and got my rights guaranteed before she found out anything. 

I'm learning that dating is something that is not orderly and that is freaking me out.  I have learned to hide my emotions and feelings in order to protect myself and making myself vulnerable is causing me anxiety. 

Cleo keeps telling me that I have to know what I want so that I can make a plan to get there.  His words make sense but since I don't know what the journey is supposed to look like, I'm having a hard time.

All I know is I want Justin in my life.  I really missed him this weekend.  It felt weird not eating dinner with him and not hanging out.  If that's what dating means, I'm all for it. I guess I'm going to have to learn to handle things that are out of my control.

I found it interesting that Gus and Emmett both expressed interest in seeing Justin's show.  Guess he has become part of their lives too.  I wonder what they will think about Molly.  Gus seemed intrigued by my description of our "dates".  I think from a 10-year-old's perspective it might sound really weird. 

Gus seems excited about me dating Justin. Ted and Emmett seem to like the idea too.  Everybody but Lindsay, but I have to take Lindsay's objections with a grain of salt.  I think they stem from her imaginary thoughts of us being a little threesome one day, me, her, and Gus- one little nuclear family.  One thing's for sure, that is never happening. 

I'm excited too.  There, see, I identified an emotion and I didn't fall apart.  True, excitement is a positive emotion, but it is an emotion.  Cleo never said whether the emotion had to be positive or negative. I still have three days to figure out what I want to do on our date, so for now, I'm headed for bed.

Brian closed the book and put away his pen.  He placed the book on the shelf, checked the alarm, and shut off the lights.  He went to bed and slept well.

TBC