I always knew this day would come. The day I realize I'm losing you. I just fucking knew it was too good to be true - that you would always love me, with all my imperfections and flaws, just the way I am. But you tried, and I guess you just can't anymore. And I can't even blame you. I haven't exactly been boyfriend material. So part of me has been waiting for this ever since I realized how I really felt about you. I just didn't know it would come so soon and catch me completely off guard. But it's here, and there's nothing I can do about it. I can only watch it happen, I can only lie in bed every night and wait for you to come home even later than the day before with another one of your excuses and lies.
I didn't even want to admit it at first, your strange behavior, the way you avoid me, always taking a shower every time you get home before I even get a chance to kiss you, the feeling that my touch is suddenly uncomfortable, or at least not as comfortable as it used to be... but Michael's big mouth confirmed it all. And I was so fucking pissed at him for it, because thinking something and knowing it for sure are two completely different things, because the knowing part makes it real, and I didn't want to know, at least not until the very last moment. But now I know... I know what you're doing behind my back, and I feel so betrayed... and so fucking stupid. Because this is exactly what I've been trying to avoid from the very beginning - having my heart ripped out of my chest. And the thought of everyone finding out soon and throwing me their pitying looks is killing me... or maybe they won't even be surprised that you left me after the way I treated you. The irony is, Sunshine, I was just too afraid to show you how much I actually love you. But God, I hate that you're making a complete fool of me, lying to me and breaking our rules... because I would never do that to you, I'm capable of many things, but I could never do that.
But here I am, waiting in a semi-dark loft for you to come home, drink in hand, while I try not to go completely insane. And when you finally show up, my anger is suddenly even stronger. I can't believe you're just humming a song like you just had the best day of your life while I'm trying to keep my fucking heart from falling apart. But even through the anger, I realize how much I actually need you, and that's coming from someone who's never needed anyone. But you avoid me once again, thinking a shower will wash away your guilt and probably the sweat of the other guy who's been stealing you from me and who's touching you in a way only I could until now.
But with the words that I like the smell of you and not soap, I finally get your attention and look deeply into those blue eyes of yours that are filled with guilt and so insanely confused. And I take a really long time to look at you while I wonder how could you. How you, of all people, could have done this to me. Jesus Christ, can't you just hear my heart breaking? Can't you see that this is fucking killing me? Can't you see how desperately I don't want to lose you?
I slowly stroke your cheek, realizing that these may be our last moments together. And I want those moments to be worth it, because I know I probably won't be kissing you for a very long time. Maybe never again, as a matter of fact. And my body literally aches at the thought of never kissing you again. That's why I completely lose control and attack your lips so hungrily and fiercely, and to my surprise, you don't resist. And as my rage slowly turns to passion, I roam my palms over your body and press you against me as hard as I can. And even though I feel utterly broken, knowing what I know, I allow myself to feel a tiny bit of happiness with you again for a little while, as I hope that a miracle happens and I don't lose you after all. But at the last moment, I stop myself with the last of my strength because I refuse to hold on to false hope. You obviously don't understand what's going on, but in the next moment I give you a big hint when I tell you to go take a shower, revealing that I can smell him on you. Now you know something's wrong, and it's scaring you. But I'm not gonna pretend I'm in the dark anymore.
At night, I do my best not to press myself against your body, even though I want to so badly. But I just can't... because if I'm gonna lose you to someone else, I refuse to show you how desperately I need you. How much I fucking love you. I refuse to be that vulnerable, even though I know that maybe that's what you need to see. Maybe that's what would make you stay. But I want you to stay because you want to, not because I make you. After all, you were always free to go. There were no locks on the door. At least that's what I always said, right? I guess you took that to heart, huh?
We don't even talk about what happened, in fact we hardly talk at all. Yet we try to act normal, although this situation is anything but. This isn't us and you know it, but somehow you don't seem to care. I, on the other hand, am having a hard time letting go. And I'm foolishly attempting to show you that you matter to me by throwing a massive party at Babylon to celebrate your and Mikey's success with Rage. And for a second, you seem to really appreciate it, but then something shifts in you, and you're back to being the Justin that's like a stranger to me. I'm even surprised I don't get a goodbye kiss from you like I'm used to, and Mikey can tell, so he kisses me himself. I'm grateful he's here for me, but it was your lips I wanted to feel more than anything.
And even though I haven't actually lost you yet, I feel a complete void at home knowing that I'm sitting here listening to my own breathing while you're busy doing other things. And my head is filled with thoughts and images of what he's doing to you... and it makes me so sick. And all I can think about is how badly I want to hurt you back, so you know how fucking awful you make me feel, even though it's totally childish. But I just need you to feel my pain. But as much as I hate you right now, I could never hurt you. Not really.
But suddenly I see something among your things that wasn't there before. It's a CD case. I pick it up and study it for a bit. It's just a fucking CD with violin music on it, it shouldn't matter. But for some reason I can't seem to stop staring at the man and the name on the cover. Ethan Gold. I have no idea who that is. But more importantly, I have no idea when exactly you found an interest in violin music. And it's like every molecule in my body is telling me it's him. The one you share a bed with when you're not home. And then I see it. "For Justin." And it's like I can't stop myself from what I'm about to do.
Finding that kid is actually easier than I thought. He's playing on the street and I can tell he's good. But I can also tell he's fucking poor. I wonder what you see in him. But that's not why I'm here. We end up in the diner and I'm telling him all the perfect things someone like him wants to hear while trying not to wipe that smug smile off his face. I'm giving him my best performance when you finally show up. And God, it feels like a victory. I've never seen you so shocked before. It's like your world is crumbling right before your eyes. At least now you know how I feel. I don't even know which one of you two has the better expression. All I know is I feel like I have some control again. And it feels so fucking good.
But of course that doesn't last long, because it still doesn't change the fact that I'm losing you. When you come home a few hours later, you even try to apologize like it fucking matters. You fucking cheated, Justin! I don't give a shit about your lame apology.
I almost ask if he fucks you better than I do, but I swallow that one and ask how big his dick is instead. You say it has nothing to do with it, but since when, exactly? Suddenly I'm walking right up to you, and as I touch you - because as much as I want to prove a point, I want to feel your body - I whisper how much you love cock. You're hard almost immediately. So how can you say it doesn't matter?
But of course you throw it in my face that there are other things, as if I don't fucking know. But the worst part isn't hearing you say that he loves you, it's the way you say it. You try to make it sound like I don't love you. And I just want to scream in your face to open your fucking eyes. But I'm so angry, all I can do is ask what the fuck you're still doing here. But hearing you question whether I'd even care if you were gone makes my heart squeeze. I just can't believe you're even asking that. But it's up to you where you want to be, and that's exactly what I tell you, because I'm not gonna get down on my knees and beg you.
And the silence that follows is like something I've never heard before. And it's the sound of the heavy metal door that later echoes through the loft as you sneak out without a word. And I hate that I know exactly where you're going. But then I realize... is this it? Is this the choice you made? Is he the one you want to be with? God, did you just actually make a decision without saying a goddamn word?
But as I lie in bed at night, imagining my life without you, the door finally opens. And I don't even breathe as I listen to your footsteps. And then I finally dare to look at you standing in the dark. Slowly, you make your way into the bedroom, looking so defeated. We say nothing, but our eyes say everything. Then I just watch you strip to your underwear, wondering how the fuck we got here. And I know I shouldn't, but I can't help but lift the covers, letting you know I want you in the bed. And as you lie down next to me, I snuggle against you, making sure my fingers are touching you. I don't know if you're back for good, but right now I'm just gonna let myself close my eyes and sleep through the night, hoping you're still mine.
When I wake up in the morning, you're gone, but your stuff is still here, so I take that as a good sign. Still, I refuse to get my hopes up. I spend the day trying not to think about where you are. And when the big Rage party finally comes, I see you standing in the crowd. Michael's standing right next to you, so I walk over and put my arms around both of you. It's almost like I'm testing how you'll react to my touch, but you don't have the reaction I want to see. I don't even know how to act around you, but I simply act like myself, like the asshole I probably am.
I notice something's going on between you and Michael, and when you tell me you're mad because he told me about your little romance, I finally know there's no saving this. You don't even feel bad because you stabbed me in the heart, you feel bad because I found out. But as much as I hate to admit it, I know you had your reasons for looking elsewhere for what I can't give you. I just wish you could see through my bullshit how much I really care about you. But I guess that doesn't really matter anymore. Maybe you're still here and maybe you've chosen me, even if you haven't actually said it out loud yet, but I can see it in your eyes, my love just isn't enough. At least not right now.
And so the only thing I can do is let you go. And since you probably don't have the balls to leave on your own, I have to give you a big push the only way I can. I hate to do this, but we both know I'm gonna lose you anyway, so I prefer to do it quick. I prefer to do it on my terms. So when you finally show up in the backroom and see me fucking Rage, I immediately know I've succeeded. It's almost like I can see the light in your eyes go out. And for a moment, I fucking regret it. But trust me, I'm doing this for you as much as I'm doing it for me.
But it's when you actually turn around and walk away that I realize I don't want this. I don't want you to go. I don't want you to fucking go. And so I cut the Rage thing short and follow you. I look around and search for you among the crowd of half-naked dancing bodies. But the next minute, my heart fucking stops. I see you and him and I know there's nothing I can do. Then he starts kissing you and I remember how I was the only one allowed to. My God, why does it hurt so much?
Suddenly you turn around to look at me and I remove my mask. I want you to see me. I want you to see what you're giving up here. But it's exactly when you make your decision and I just watch you leave. And the worst thing about losing you is that you're taking my heart with you. But maybe once you realize that the words he tells you aren't as strong and important as the love I show you, you will come back. Until then, I'll try to keep myself together.
The End.