Misty Blue

Oh, it's been such a long, long time/ Look like I get you off of my mind/ But I can't Just the thought of you/ Turns my whole world/ Misty blue

Oh honey, just the mention of your name/ Turns the flicker to a flame Listen to me good, baby/ I think of the things we used to do

And my whole world turns/ Misty blue

Oh baby, I should forget you/ Heaven knows I've tried Baby, when I say that I'm glad were through/ Deep in my heart I know I've lied, I've lied, I've lied

Oh honey, it's been such a long, long time/ Looks like I get you off of my mind But I can't/ Just the thought of you/ My love, my whole world turns

Misty blue

Written by Bob Montgomery

•  Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc, Reservoir One Music

CHAPTER 1: Justin

Four months later...

Detached. Dishonest. Disillusioned. Dissatisfied. Distant.

Those five words pretty much describe my reality right now. My glaring mistakes are pressing on my shoulders as if I'm lifting cinderblocks to carry from one place to the next, without taking a break in between. My entire existence is wrapped up in a man that I can't get enough of, while I'm still living with a boy- one close to my own age- one to whom I never should have given a second thought. Why?? Why is the question I will forever ask myself, but what can I really do about it except stick it out?

My life sucks... and I have no one to blame but myself.

Screeee. Screeeech.....SCREECH... That's all I hear when he plays that fucking instrument now. That fucking VI-O-LIN! I so want to toss Ethan and Mischa- the name he calls his violin- down the cellar steps and have him go practice there.

But I can't, because it's his place. What's funny is that I used to think it was romantic, in a bohemian, starving artist, sort of way. Now I relish the silence on days when he is running out for class before I have to. I used to find solace at my job in the Liberty Diner, but then he started invading my life there too. When Ethan would do that, I got the feeling that he would appear there simply to rub it in Brian's face that we weren't together anymore.

If he ever thought Brian would show any outward jealousy, he's a damn fool. If that was the case, then during our non-relationship I think I would have been bailing Brian out of jail more often than not. I tricked just as much as he did, whether it was together or separately. I have to hand it to Brian though... If Ethan's idiocy and my charade bothered him, he gave absolutely no indication. He and I knew it was important to at least have the illusion of cordiality, when, to my mind at least, we were anything but.

There was still a fire there, one that would always burn bright, wild, and hot. Regardless of my immature, spur-of-the-moment decision, it always will. The problem with that is that while I want Brian Kinney with every fiber of my being, I can't have him. And so I'm doing penance for being a pussyboy and not making this thing- whatever it was- between Brian and I really work, for not voicing my fears and frustrations until I had crossed a line that I had absolutely no business crossing... Well at least, not with Ethan.

I'm paying for my passiveness and bearing a cross with a ratty trenchcoat, no real job, and an obsessive use of the word ‘baby.' Bloody fucking hell! It's time for me to get to get to work, because if I don't bring home the bacon, and cook it too, we'll starve. And that would just be too unacceptable to my stomach. I forego using my car in favor of walking to work.

Yes, I have a car. I bought it after quitting the diner and going to work in an upscale restaurant within the Steel building. Ethan would stalk me at work, leaving me open to constant criticism from Michael. While I was taking out the garbage, Michael went on a tirade telling me just how good I was at dumping things and that since Brian and I weren't together anymore, I wasn't wanted. I guess he was right in the sense that my continued presence in the place where ‘the gang' met was awkward.

The fact that Ethan would rub it in Brian's face every chance he got didn't help matters, and just made me downright uncomfortable. The other fags who were jealous of me for riding Brian's dick more than they ever did were also glad to hold me up to ridicule. Since Brian was no longer my protection against them and my ‘status' was relegated to the ‘former' bedmate of King Kinney, they felt they had the right to say whatever the fuck they wanted. More often than not, I found myself having violent urges again- something that I hadn't had in months. Those were a leftover side effect of Hobbs.

I endured it until those tendencies were turned on Michael after, yet another, public insult was rendered and I was two-point-two seconds away from punching him in the lip. He was literally saved by the bell as Brian stepped in through the door of the diner. Without a word to any of them, I took off my apron, told John the cook to tell the boss to mail me my last check and left Liberty Diner for good... A place that was more than my job, it was my home for awhile and represented that last tenuous connection I still had to Brian. It's funny though, because around the time that I bought my Jeep, Brian had traded his in for a Vintage Corvette. I call it the ‘Boyfriend Replacement Therapy 101'.

Get rid of as many reminders as you can, as fast as you can and try like fucking hell never to look back.

Taking the bus reminded me of sneaking out from my former home in Hyland Hills to hop the bus from Downtown to the other side of Liberty Avenue and arrive at the loft, anxious to be naked with Brian. I've often wondered if it's the same one that we've fucked in more times than either of us could count, but I doubt it. I don't feel me and him in this vehicle; truthfully I barely feel ‘me' at all. It's a gas guzzler but it's MINE; something that no one- not Brian and certainly not Ethan- can take away from me. Truth be told, I've barely let Ethan into it at all.

Call me selfish if it applies, but again, it's mine. I've worked for it, earned it using my tips from my former job that Brian had me save. Another quarter of my earnings is invested thanks to Ted, and the excess I've used to buy food and art supplies. Even if I'm not attending school next semester, I still don't want to lose all the progress I've gained back in my right hand. So I've fixed it so I would never have depend on anyone to get me from point A to point B again.

It's definitely a start in gaining some independence of my own. I've been driving for the last few days because of the incessant rain. I honestly thought it would never stop but today is sunny. I was supposed to go and see Gus, but I ran behind schedule. Besides, after the last time I was over there, I promised myself that I wouldn't be alone with Lindsay again.

Despite my wishes, she insists on talking about Brian; what he's up to, where he's been. It's almost like she is taking pleasure in my pain. I chided myself for thinking it the first few times. But now, I'm not so sure I should have. She tends to forget that passive-aggressive doesn't work on me and I can do WASP with the best of catty bitches.

But I choose not to engage with her. Sure, it would be a step up from Michael... A very small step. But instead, I only go now when I know Melanie is going to be there. Ironically she has become my ally in all of this.

When I asked why she was siding with me instead of Lindsay, she told me that she refused to take sides between Brian and I, since we didn't when she and Lindsay had their own problems with cheating, not too long ago. I guess Lindsay was like Michael in that respect. She would purposely forget the important things- like support, forgiveness, and compassion- until it suited her self-serving purposes. I can't fault her for that I suppose. She's loyal to Brian, but that loyalty only extends to when she needs something or feels like she's won some waged war that no one outside of Lindsay's mind knew of.

Another lesson learned at the knees of Nancy and Ron Peterson and other denizens of the Waspdom everywhere.

In any event, I refuse to be around Lindsay any more than I must... And that's when I realize that free will is not the curse I've been thinking it was these last four months; sometimes it really is a blessing. I get to the restaurant in plenty of time for my shift. I grabbed the mail out of my P.O. Box on the way to work, so I can finally sit and read it. I started having it go to a P.O. Box the first time I caught Ethan ripping open a letter that was addressed to me.

His reasoning: ‘Baby we're as good as married. Why hide things from each other? What's mine is yours and what's yours is mine, right? So what does your grandmother have to say?' What the fucking hell have I gotten myself into? was all I could think in that moment.

That was a major argument about invasion of privacy and respecting that I needed my space; an argument where Brian was brought up and thrown in my face. Brian had- according to Ethan- given me so much space, I left him, was the core of his point. But instead of sticking around to agree with his misguided thinking, or argue anymore I grabbed my jacket and before I said something that I may have regretted later. Then I went to the post office before settling down in the internet cafe down the street from Ethan's apartment. I didn't apologize for walking out and neither did he for the things he said, but there wasn't another argument about my mail.

My clothes were another matter. I nearly punched him when I saw him about to put on the Calvin Klein shirt I had accidently packed when I gathered my things from the loft. That was Brian's. It still smelled like his soap and cologne and that certain something that was undeniably him. I told Ethan to take the fucking shirt off and stay the hell out of my clothes.

His response: ‘Justin Baby, that shirt is too small and too tight. You might as well let me have it'.

He made to put it on again, before I marched over to him and snatched the shirt from his hands. I guess he understood because simply rolled his eyes and sucked his teeth and grabbed one of his unclean shirts from the hamper. By the time he left and came back, I had a portable closet in the corner of the room where I kept my art supplies. I made sure that the door of it had a personalized combination lock on it and not a standard Master Lock so that he wouldn't be able to guess it. Call me crazy, but after the mail incident, I didn't put anything past him.

For the first month, it was about adjustment for both of us, I guess. He understood that I had boundaries, and I understood some of his insecurities. It took awhile for him to accept that I wasn't going to ignore my relationships with Emmett, Daphne, and Ted. Gus was still a problem for him, which is why I only go to see him on the days I know Ethan will be in the studio from sun up to sundown preparing for another competition. I'm having my requisite cup of liquid sanity in the form of coffee as I stare at the envelope marked ‘Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts- Registrar's Office.'

I had Ted look over the numbers to see if I could afford to pay per credit. He told me If I planned on living with Ethan, eating only Ramen soup, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and without gas, heat, lights, and hot water for the next five years, then sure I could afford it. I didn't plan on doing any of those things- well with the exception of maybe Ethan- so I withdrew from PIFA, until I could get a loan on my own without Craig's income being considered, or Brian's help. I know that we had an agreement, but I have already been accused more than I can stomach about taking advantage of him. Besides, we're  no longer together, so the contract I made him agree to should be null and void.

In the meantime, I will work on paying him back what he has already covered for me, and work out how to get the rest. One thing is for certain though... No matter how well Rage has done, I will not work with that backstabbing, whining, jealous pain in the ass Michael Novotny, again. Let him find some other artist who he can maneuver and manipulate, because this artist is through with him. I'll have Melanie draw up a contract for him to buy me out and I want Ted to look at the books to make sure that he hasn't been stiffing me simply because he's a greedy little troll.

I really should sue him for ALL the rights, since that is my story, but I won't because of Ben. And that's the only reason I won't. As far as everything else, Michael can go to hell. I tear open the envelope, reading the letter and deciding in my anger, that Brian should join him. The Fucker!!