Chapter 20.2 Love Is: Teenage Dream Part 2

"Love Is" Brian McKnight (feat. Vanessa Williams)

[Vanessa]

They say it's a river, that circles the Earth / A beam of light shinin' to the edge of the universe/ It conquers all / It changes everything/ They say it's a blessing/ They say it's a gift/ They say it's a miracle and I believe that it is / It conquers all/ But it's a mystery

[1] - Love breaks your heart/ Love takes no less than everything/ Love makes it hard/ And it fades away So easily

[Brian]

In this world we've created/ In this place that we live/ In the blink of an eye babe, the darkness slips in/ Love lights the world/ Unites the lovers for eternity/

[2] - Love breaks the chains/ Love aches for every one of us/ Love takes the tears and the pain/ And then turns it into the beauty that remains /

[Vanessa]

Look at this place/ It was paradise/ But now it's dying/ I'll pray for love

[Brian]

I'll take, my chances that it's not too late...

Justin

So here's the thing... I just thought Brian and I were just going to have a dinner tonight, and fuck like any other commonplace couple who decides to have a night out on the town. Based on my low level of expectation, I am now standing here in awe of the most spectacular view I have ever seen in my life, and am being reminded of words that Deb had spoken about Brian in what seems a lifetime ago. Brian Kinney never does anything small or quiet. It's always some sort of production to make a point, or to force those of us standing around wondering what the hell he's doing, to take an action; to actually make a decision about what we want and stick to it, instead of merely coasting through life.

In retrospect, I probably should have expected this... magnificence. Should have remembered that it was okay for me to want my ultimate dreams of a first date with Brian to come true. But for the last year or so, I had forgotten that it was actually okay to want the best. To hope that somehow, I was worthy of the effort. And Brian has been reminding me that I am ever since I first opened my eyes to an empty bed this morning.  

His revelations in the car stunned me to no end. I mean, I hate everything Craig stands for, but I still know beyond any doubt, that he's my father. And yet the very idea that he was willing to trust me with such a cornerstone of who he is and why he is the way he is, that... Well, that is just... I hope I can live up to his faith in me; his faith in us.

Brian has always been my endgame. From the moment I met him, there was always this indefinable, undeniable something about him that would never let me go. There's such a vulnerability beneath the steel exterior, that called to a place of strength within me I didn't even know was there. Not until I had to fight with him to make him see it. Not until I had to fight his inner-demons to make him see ME.

And based on his actions so far this morning, I'm not alone in the battle for his heart and humanity any longer. At this moment, all the tears and pain we've inflicted on each other have been worth it. And no matter what this day brings, it will always be, since I know I've now become his endgame as well. I feel like we were here at this precipice once before. But it's different now, because I know I'm not in this by myself any longer; Brian is with me, and I'm not doing the heavy lifting alone this time.

I probably should tell him that I may be remembering the prom, but I don't want him to shut down again; don't want to enforce my will and need to talk about it to him. I called my doctor earlier last week to tell him the reason why I had to cancel my next appointment. He asked if I was still experiencing the same intensity of migraines I had been before I left Pittsburgh. I told him I hadn't. But I did tell him that I was having what seemed to be nightmares, even without having taken the migraine meds.

Extreme night terrors are a side effect of the medication, which is why I had to mention it. I wanted to get his opinion on my next step, especially since it would be a few months before I revisited him. He told me that I should probably talk to a psychiatrist about it, but I really don't want to. The reason I'm even thinking about this now is because of the dream I had last night. It was significantly different from the others I've endured in recent months.

It was actually calm for a time, with a spotlight and a white scarf. The surroundings were going by in a blur, but all I could feel was intense joy while the room was spinning. Vic was there along with Daphne, at separate times but I remembered Daph's dress in the pictures I've seen from that fateful night. I want to tell Brian so badly, hoping that he would give me some insight into why I'm dreaming more and more of the event I couldn't quite remember while awake, but now I do. I don't want to hide it from him and yet, I don't want to hurt him any more than I've already done since that fucking bat-wielding lunatic came after me.

The funny thing is that Brian believes this all happened to me because he dared to come to my prom in the first place; because he dared to make me happy and therefore make himself happy. I beg to differ. This happened because I love him, and wasn't afraid to show him. Sometimes I wonder if he loved me even then. I would like to think so, but without those memories, I can never be sure.

My neurologist told me not to push it, especially in lieu of my recent hospitalization. But FUCK!! I want them back! I want those memories almost more than I want my next breath. Like I told Brian, a lot of our problems stem from me not remembering who we were that night.

"What's wrong?" I hear Brian's voice directly in my left ear, before I feel his arms wrap around me from behind. Before I can stop myself, I'm leaning into his embrace.

"Nothing. This place is fucking beautiful, Brian; a virtual paradise!"

He looks at me sideways, but I can tell the moment he decides to let the matter go for the moment. I release the breath I didn't even realize I held for a long moment. Brian pulls me tighter to him and nibbles my ear, telling me, "The view is definitely beautiful, but I know of something that would add to it immeasurably."

"What's that?"

"Your naked blond little self, glistening after a swim in the ocean. But alas, we don't have time to make my fantasy come true right now."

I can feel the blush creeping into my cheeks, and my dick twitch in my pants at the thought of fulfilling Brian's wish. But then I caught the tail end of what he's just said. "Why not? This is a working vacation, remember?"

"Perhaps it is for you but for me, it's my first date. I don't want to blow it... Well at least, not yet." He winks at me, making the innuendo clear that I'm the it he'll blow later.

I can't help but smile at him. "I'm going to hold you to that. But why the hurry?"

"Because if we don't get into the house within the next thirty seconds, there will be two queens coming out here to drag me in there personally, thinking you will naturally follow."

"They would be right."

"Glad to hear it, Sunshine. Can't have them taking advantage of my sudden virtue, can we?"

I laugh. Brian can be such a clown. "I thought we already took advantage of a supposed virtuous man when we fucked Father Tom. But then again, he didn't sound like he minded."

"Who would when he had the two best tops Pittsburgh has to offer? But that's beside the point. We have a schedule to stick to, so hop to, Justin."

"Okay, okay. Geez, you're bossy."

Brian chuckles. "I guess you've rubbed off on me."

I turn in his arms. and kiss that special spot underneath his chin that makes his breath hitch. "I can rub off on you now, if you let me."

He moans, and I know he would like nothing better than to take me up on my offer right now. But instead he says, "Later, Sunshine. I promise, but we have other stuff to do. Come on."

He pulls me through the entryway, where the wall of glass has been pulled back. The kitchen is all white with stainless steel appliances and countertops. I barely get a peek at it, but it was long enough to know that Emmett would happily die in a space like it. The thought makes me chuckle. When Brian looks at me with the question of why in his eyes, I tell him.

We both end up laughing, and also saying how proud we are of him for striving to live his dream. We continue on through the house until we come to a set of four steps, which leads to a large den. The furniture is expensive, but tasteful and definitely Brian's style. I look over to see him considering... "No, Brian."

"What?"

"You know exactly what you're doing, and so do I. You are not buying a house in Malibu."

"I wasn't thinking that..." he hedges, but I don't let him get away with it.

"No buying, no renting, no leasing. Just no."

He rolls his eyes skyward, knowing that I picked the thoughts right out of his mind. "Fine, but it would be the perfect way to keep this- whatever it is we're doing- to ourselves."

"And we still will Brian, three thousand miles from here, back home in Pittsburgh. If we have any shot of working, it has to be there." Before we can continue the conversation, we're interrupted by a voice with a french accent.

"There you two are, Mr. Brian. I was about to send Gene out there to bring you in by the scrawn of your neck."

Brian chuckles. "That's scruff, Alphonse. Scruff. There is no scrawn-as you call it- anywhere on my neck, or any other part of my body."

He waves his hand dismissively. "Oh, you know what I mean. Now chop-chop..." he stops to consider if that's right, and deems it good before continuing. "...both of you. Gene, you take le petit homme, Monsieur Justin, since I already know Mr. Brian's measurements."

A big hulk of a man moves decisively towards me, and I find myself backing up. He keeps advancing while Brian and Alphonse begin to speak in rapid french. Meanwhile, I keep backing up until my legs give way and I crash down on the ottoman I hadn't known was there. "Brian!!"

The conversation ceases almost immediately, and I can feel Brian's regard on me even before I hear his voice. "Gene, no. Justin, Gene is Alphonse's partner and both George and Malcolm's tailor." I feel his hands around my back as I try to still the tremors, coursing through me. "Sorry, Sunshine. He didn't mean to scare you. He doesn't speak much, because he understands English a lot better than he can speak it back."

Brian speaks to Gene, explaining to him that I'm fluent in the language just as he is. That seems to put the hulking figure at ease, marginally. Brian pulls me to my feet, but doesn't release me from his hold, for which I'm grateful. I look at both Gene and Alphonse. "I'm a little rusty with the language, but I'm sure I'll get it back," I say in their native language, and smile at them. I'm gratified when they smile back at me, in turn. It means they've understood me.

"Great, so formal introductions have been done," Brian says. "Justin, I need you to go with Gene. He's going to measure you for later tonight."

"What's later tonight?" I can't help my curiosity, or my hope that he'll slip up and tell me.

As usual Brian sees right through my attempt. "Anxious much, Sunshine? We're going to a place called Nunya."

"Nunya? Sounds exotic."

"Yeah it is. It's in the land of Nunya as in none of your business."

"Oh, I so hate you right now."

"Well that's too bad, because you're going to love me in a few minutes."

"Really?"

He looks at me with that slow blink that goes right to my cock. "Yeah. But then you already do, so what's a few more hours? Let's just take it moment by moment, okay?"

I see the pleading look laced with excitement in his eyes, and know that I can't deny him this, even if the suspense is killing me. "Okay."

"Now go with Gene. I asked not to see what he's brought with him, until you have it on later."

"You trust me to pick out my own clothes?"

"Not even for half a second." He laughs. "But I do trust Gene and Alphonse. So go have fun like a good little boy and let the man do his job." He kisses me and moves off with Alphonse up the stairs, to the right.

I watch his progression through the glass rail, until he reaches the far door at the end of the hall. God, Brian's walk... Well it's more like a strut, is just so damn drool-worthy. He always walks with such poise and purpose, as if he can't wait to get where he's going. And maybe he can't.

It was that same strut that made me notice him, while I stood beneath a lone streetlight outside of a club that is known as our playground. It feels like a lifetime ago, instead of just a few short years. I'm reminded that I'm not alone by a subtle clearing of a throat to the left of and a little above me. "Shall we go, Mr. Justin?"

"Justin is fine, Gene. I feel kind of old with you calling me that," I laugh.

"How many years do you have, if you don't mind me asking."

"I'll soon to be twenty."

"Ah... you're going to age well then, Justin. You don't look a day over fifteen."

"I guess I could take that as a compliment, except that sometimes a young face is a decided disadvantage."

"Not necessarily. Just think of how many people you fool on a daily basis. That's what works for Alphonse. Because he looks young, people tend to underestimate him. I suspect you have the same thing happen."

"Yeah, I do. It can be especially frustrating where Brian's friends- who are more like his family- are concerned."

"Don't let it be. You can't please everyone, and you shouldn't even try. But more than that, you cannot control people's thoughts and actions; only how you respond to them. Remember young Justin, sometimes the best reaction is no reaction at all. Believe it or not, inaction is also a response, and it confuses those trying their best to get to you."

We walk upstairs, as I ponder what he just said to me. I try to put Brian's inaction regarding Michael and Lindsay into the context as meant by Gene. They had been dogging my heels for months; Michael overtly, but Lindsay more subtly. In the end, I did exactly what they wanted me to do, simply because I mistook Brian's inaction as not caring. As I saw it, he had become immune to the threats and insults that never should have been hurled at him, in the first place.

But maybe he just chose not to respond, knowing it was all bullshit. But where does that scenario fit into what was happening with us?

I get undressed, and as I begin to try on all of the suits Gene has brought with him, I can't let the question go. Yeah we resolved to try again and be different with each other this time. We let each other ask the hard questions, and got some unexpected answers in return... Brutally honest answers, at times. I'm interrupted in my continued musings by the ringing of my phone.

"Hello."

"Justin, my young man, how are you doing? Enjoying your day so far?"

"I'm well, Malcolm. Brian is... Well Brian is surprising me at every turn today. Oneta's was awesome. I'm surprised I was able to walk away with my somewhat trim figure."

I hear him chuckle at my comment. "Yeah, that woman knows she can cook. I usually end up dieting for three months after I've had one of her southern breakfasts. So how is everything else going between you and the Big Bad?"

"That's what I was just trying to figure out. We decided to try again though, so that's something, I guess."

"What's to figure out, Justin? You both love each other and you're willing to try. That's what's important. Sure, there will be trials and tribulations; nothing's perfect. But there are people and situations that are perfect for you. I suspect Brian is one of those people. Give yourself a chance to be happy, Son."

"I'm trying to, but I guess I'm afraid of what happens if we don't succeed."

"What happened last time?"

"You know already. I ended up with a combination of the Chucky doll from Child's Play and the gay male version of Lindsay, while Brian became a workaholic and drank too much." Chucky is who I always think of when Michael starts with his ‘I'm his best friend' litany. That fucking doll was both obsessive in his murderous intent, and manipulative with his innocent looks. I just see way too many similarities in Michael Novotny.

He laughs as he did the first time I described my relationship with Ethan as Lindsay the sequel. He sobers and tells me, "Look Justin, I can't tell you what to do. But I can tell you that the man, who is probably having the same exact doubts, wonders, and worries you are right now, is just as nervous about this as you are. The question is: what do you want?"

"Brian. I've only ever wanted Brian."

"Then that's all you need to know, Son. The rest will work itself out in whatever manner it chooses to. Your only job is to love him the way he wants, and needs to be loved. In order to do that, you have to be yourself. It's okay to see yourself as something more than an extension of Brian, to want to achieve more in your life than just be known as Brian Kinney's lover. It's okay to dream big for yourself and achieve those things you want in life. But trust me, in doing all of that, it will make it all so much better to have the man you love- the man who loves you, flaws and all- by your side. The world, as you have already found out, can be a very dark and cruel place. It's up to us to find the light in our individual worlds, and do everything within our power to keep it shining.

"A wise young woman I once knew told me to mourn the losses because there are many, but celebrate the victories because there are few. It was one of the statements that helped me to make up my mind of what I really wanted from George. So I'm going to pass along that sage advice to you, Justin. Brian is your victory; hold on to him and celebrate every single day you are together. You're a fighter, Justin and it's time to prove that to both, him and yourself. Look at all you've already accomplished in getting your hand back. No, it's not one-hundred percent, but it's proof that you can fight for the things you want and need. You once told me that your art and Brian were like the air you breathe- necessary, vital, and life-sustaining. You can't have those things if you continue to cut and run, Son. And you don't have to sacrifice a fucking thing to have one over the other.

"All you have to do is risk everything; for once Justin, take the gamble and play the cards you've been dealt. And while you're at it, enjoy the journey. See the scenery. Look back every once in awhile to remember the lessons you've learned along the way, but keep moving forward. The road to happiness is never easy and it's neverending. Even the easiest of relationships takes dedication and hardwork, and still has to be cultivated like a beautiful garden. Love is hard work and it hurts sometimes, but I'd rather have it unconditionally, than not at all. It can be paradise or a pain in the ass- and it has been both at times- but I would still take it as long as I have my Georgie. You have to decide for yourself how dedicated you are willing to be, because I can tell you this, Brian is all in. Are you?"

Despite my fear of failure, I nod. "Yes, Malcolm. When I dream of my future, it's Brian's face I see in it."

"Then whatever you both face in life, you put your fear to the side and do it. Fuck all the naysayers, because they really don't know shit! Fuck the yay-sayers, too, for that matter. Any relationship is between two entities, not five hundred! Don't allow others to dictate and decide for you and Brian how it's going to go, or what you two should expect from each other. You two hash it out together, in privacy, and leave the speculation to the people in the cheap seats of your lives. Your relationship to Brian is different from his relationship to Emmett. It's between the two of you ONLY. Got it, kid?"

"I get it now, Malcolm. I was just worrying about what we were going to do when we got back to the Pitts. I had to stop Brian from considering a beach house, otherwise we would never come home. Still might not, if Brian has his way."

Malcolm laughs. "Believe me when I tell you, George and I considered the same thing many times. But in the end, we decided that we weren't going to be forced out of our home, simply because people have no business of their own to mind. If you and Brian decide to move from Pittsburgh, let it be because you both want to and not because you feel forced out. So I take it the job offers in New York are still being considered?"

I had only told Malcolm about them, not knowing what I wanted to do. All I knew at the time, was that staying in Pittsburgh hurt every second I was there after mine and Brian's non-argument. I didn't go looking for the opportunities, but I couldn't just discount them either. "No, I haven't decided anything. I know that Brian wouldn't stop me if I wanted to relocate to New York. But with everything going on, I just don't know. I'm a little afraid to talk to him about it, knowing his penchant for forcing me to make the decision he deigns best for me. But I know I have to, at least, let him know I'm thinking about it."

"You definitely should, but make it clear that you're not leaving him when you do. And do it soon Justin, but not tonight. Tonight is for a long overdue date with romance Kinney-style and celebrating some accomplishments; the first being you and Brian actually talking, and not covering up a wealth of emotion over a false senses of pride. You're both growing."

I laugh at that because he's right. Brian and I are growing up in more ways than one, and it's just between the two of us, without the pressure from people who think they know but have no idea what I had that held Brian, and vice versa. This is our chance to build what we allowed to be torn down, and remake it into what we want. Despite everything that's happened, despite all we've endured, this is our chance to have something real and untainted; a love that is deep and true. One that just is what it is, without having to have someone else's stamp of approval or glares of disapproval...

I needed to be reminded of that. "Thanks for everything, Malcolm."

"No problem. Just be happy, Justin, and that's all the thanks George and I need. You both are becoming so dear to us- like the sons of our hearts- and we want to see you both soar in life. But you can only do that if you're completely honest with yourselves... and each other."

We say our goodbyes, and Gene comes back to me after taking one of the suits to alter it. I step into it and know beyond a doubt that this is the suit I will wear tonight to the land of Nunya. Fucking Brian, I think as I shake my head and smile.

"Problem solved, mon chere?" Gene asks me.

"Most definitely Gene. Merci."

No, our history- both individually and collectively- hasn't been pretty. But it doesn't change the fact that I would rather fight with Brian, than to be without him.