CHAPTER 48: HIT THE ROAD, JACK... AND JOAN
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more no more no more no more
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more
What'd you say?
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more no more no more no more
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more
Old woman old woman, oh you treat me so mean You're the meanest old woman that I've ever seen
I guess if you say so I'll have to pack my things and go (that's right)
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more no more no more no more
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more no more no more no more
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more
Now baby, listen baby, don't you treat me this way Cause I'll be back on my feet some day
Don't care if you do, cause it's understood You ain't got no money, you just a no good
Well I guess if you say so I'll have to pack my things and go (that's right)
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more no more no more no more Hit the road, Jack and don't cha come back No more
What'd you say?
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more no more no more no more
Hit the road Jack and don't cha come back No more
Well, (don'cha come back no more)
Uh, what'd you say? (don'cha come back no more)
I didn't understand you (don'cha come back no more)
You can't mean that (don'cha come back no more)
Oh, now baby please (don'cha come back no more)
What you're trying to do to me (don'cha come back no more)
NANCY
Looking at this steel-gray, hawk-faced bitch I want nothing more than to do what I should have done to Lindsay a long time ago… punch the shit out of her. But being part of the elite set, I’ve learned to hide my more sinister feelings by being polite and forcing a benign smile. I look over to Jennifer and know that she is having the same exact thoughts I am, as well as Lynette. Watching the frown crease on Joan Kinney’s face even more as she addressed Brian, intensifies the feeling.
“Brian, what are you doing here? Where is my grandson? And how dare you bring all these strangers to my door?!”
I have to say that I’m proud of Brian for not cowering in the face of such indignant rage, even as he deems to answer her. “I came to see you for some answers, Joanie. I have no idea where John and Peter are at the moment, although school seems to be a good guess. As for who stands behind and beside me and Claire, you can just call them OUR family.”
“That’s nonsense, since I happen to know that they are not.”
“They are more family to us than you are, Mother,” Claire sneers in response, before saying, “Well, can we come in? Or would you rather all of this become a spectator sport? It really doesn’t matter to me and Brian one way or the other, but we both know how you feel about having YOUR secrets exposed.”
Brian raised his eyebrow at Joan, with a small smirk on his face. I was proud of both his and Claire’s newfound backbones where this woman was concerned. “So what’s it going to be, Joanie?” he asks.
At first she stares both of them down, as if expecting them to cower. I suspect that she’s used to that happening, if not in reference to Brian, then at least with Claire. But then, looking at the rest of us assembled she knows we aren’t about to back down, and will force our way into the house if we have to. So, as she steps aside to open the door wider, we all begin to make our way in. The first thing that hits my nose as I pass her is the smell of vodka mixed with orange juice.
I look pointedly at my watch, noting that it’s not even noon and she’s already practically three sheets to the wind. I almost chuckle aloud, thinking that she’ll certainly be about ten more sheets by the time we’re ready to leave here. She crosses over to the lone recliner chair at the farthest end of the room, and removes the bible from its center before sitting back down. Nevermind that there are two glasses full of the concoction there, as well the almost-empty glass she’s obviously been sipping from. If I didn’t think she was really a drunkard before, I certainly do now, especially since sitting by her feet there is a brand new bottle of vodka, and also a half a gallon of orange juice left.
“Hmph. Drinking breakfast again, huh Joan? Well, we’ll make this quick,” Claire tells her. “Tell us why you allowed Brian to take your beatings for you? And before you spout some inane nonsense, you would do well to remember that I was young, aware, and cognizant of all of it, including the one-night stand you had with Uncle John. It wasn’t fair for Brian to do your penance for you with Jack, since he wasn’t the one who didn’t want John to at least pull out. I saw it when he tried to stop his ejaculation within you, even though I didn’t know what I was seeing at the time. Instead of you letting him do what would have protected you all, you wrapped your legs around him and grabbed his ass tighter to prevent that from happening.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, and you don’t either.”
“Bullshit, Mother, since I’m now a grown woman with a man who hits ALL my spots right,” Claire retorts.
And although I’m hard-pressed to stop her, the urge to laugh aloud overrides that. I look over at Jennifer again, hoping that she’ll stop Claire from going further with this particular line of questioning. But all I’m getting is the redness of her face and watering of her eyes as she tries to hold in the same bubbling laughter that is trying to claw its way out of me. Between Brian, and now Claire, there isn’t a doubt that Jennifer and I have been receiving quite the education. And if I was to add Justin into the mix…
Well, let’s just say that Ron and I tried a few of those tricks, and he’s currently a VERY happily married man.
“How dare you come into my home, speaking such filth!” Joan raises up abruptly from her chair, advancing on Claire. “I ought to…”
I’m about to step forward, but Jennifer beats me to it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so fierce. She grabs the same hand Joan raised to slap Claire and twists it. “Lay one hand on her and you’ll wish to hell you hadn’t. I may be a well-bred lady, but I promise you by the time I’m finished with you, we’ll have to change your name to James if you even think to raise your hand to Claire and Brian.”
“Damn. I never thought it was possible to slap someone so hard and completely, you could change their gender,” Justin laughs. “Let me know if it works, Mom; I’ll need to make a stop at the women’s prison since Lindsay is long overdue for a sex change.”
I can’t even help but laugh at that comment. It would surely give Lindsay a new way to fuck herself.
After being released with a slight shove, Joan rubs her sore wrist. “I don’t know who you are…”
“Jennifer Taylor, mother to Justin and Mother-in-Law to Brian.” And I just love the way she said that, which is causing Joan’s eyes to bulge. Before she can even whisper the derogatory words which are no doubt about to flow out of her mouth, Jennifer addresses Joan again. “You heard me right, Joan. And the best part is that it’s all nice and legal. They’ve entered into a Legal Domestic Partnership, which is a whole lot more substantial than what you had with the turd you were married to. Now sit down so we can get this over with. We don’t want to be here any more than you want us here, so the sooner you speak the truth, instead of the lies you’ve cultivated so well over the years, the sooner we can be rid of your company.”
I move to stand next to Jennifer, in order to prevent her from acting on that murderous look in her eyes as she stares down at the harridan, who reluctantly resumes her seat. The problem with women like Joan Kinney is that they are experts when it comes to playing at power. I suspect that’s why Lindsay and Joan got along so well, since my wayward daughter does the same thing. But Jennifer has been born and bred within it; wielding it is as natural as breathing. And she exudes it from every pore, which admittedly intimidated me for a time, too.
She doesn’t need to announce her breeding. It’s just there for all to see, whether they want to or not. It took me a long time to understand that about Jennifer, and not resent it. But now that edge she’s always had has certainly been fine-tuned, courtesy of Brian Kinney. Well, I suppose it’s time to pull out my own sharp claws as well.
“So Joan, are you going to tell us what we want to know, or do I get to call the authorities and inform them they should name you as an accessory to extortion?” I ask.
“I have no idea what you are babbling about!” She raises her voice, once again, in an attempt to intimidate us.
Instead, I laugh quite heartily, before addressing her again. “Sure, you do. See, unlike the others here, I’ve just put it all together. The association with my daughter goes all the way back from when Brian first introduced her to your family. It’s when the plot to have Gus truly began. So what did you offer her to team up with you, Joan?”
“You mean, midsummer madness wasn’t an isolated incident, after all?” Justin asks, looking from Joan to Brian, and then back to Joan. “You bitch! You planned to aid Lindsay in entrapping your own son?! How could you?! To what purpose?”
She opens her mouth to either rebuke Justin for calling her by her actual name, or to spout more lies, but I’m not about to have that. “Oh come now, Justin. Lindsay must have offered Joan the one thing she’s always wanted. Money.”
“You were willing to pimp your son out to Lindsay in exchange for what?” Justin narrows his eyes at her. Brian moves even closer to him, obviously seeing just how much his lover wants to finish what his mother started.
Joan, once again, looks upon them with disgust in her eyes. But I can’t figure out what it is that she’s really disgusted about. Somehow, I just don’t buy that all of her contempt for the two of them is simply Bible-based. No. There is more to that look, and her next words confirm it.
“I wanted to leave. Plain and simple, but more importantly, I wanted Brian to suffer the same fate I’d had to endure my entire adult life with Jack Kinney. It’s his fault that I wasn’t able to escape the first time I tried!”
“What the hell do you mean by that?” Brian asked. “I wasn’t the one who got myself knocked up, Joanie.”
“No, you weren’t. But you also weren’t the one who wouldn’t stop showing him how smart you were either. You just had to keep showing him that you were smarter than he was. You had to keep succeeding, and with every success it was more and more evident that you weren’t his son. You were always ALWAYS so selfish, Brian. You still are!”
Brian looked as if slapped for a moment, and I was torn between comforting him, and making good on Jennifer’s promise to slap that bitch into manhood. I mean, how dare she blame Brian because of her own inadequacy and her husband’s inability to better himself? Yet she calls Brian selfish?! I bet she didn’t think that while he was keeping her pious ass with a roof over her stupid head.
Before I can say any of that, Justin beats me to it, as he rubs Brian’s shoulder. After making sure Brian was okay, he advanced on Joan Kinney, hurling accusation after accusation in her direction. “You insensitive, insignificant cow! So because you married a man with the IQ of a rattle, you blame the one person who was intelligent enough to keep you from losing your house from the time he was old enough to work? Oh… I see. You actually thought that it was Jack, who was doing it? How, when the both of you were drinking away the mortgage money? How did you think you were able to keep the lights on so that you could sit there in all your sanctimoniousness while your son, WHO WAS PROVIDING THE FUCKING ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD, was being beaten BECAUSE he was doing what Jack was too fucking drunk to do! Yet you call Brian selfish; where the fuck is YOUR mirror? After all, you’re the one who played the desperate whore to a GAY MAN! But you just wanted dick that wasn’t Jack’s, and capitalized on John’s tender feelings for you when you both had a little too much to drink. You KNEW exactly what you were doing!”
Justin was yelling in her face, when he had suddenly gone still, before trembling a little. Brian very calmly ordered, “Come back over here, Sunshine. Don’t make her cause you to come out of character and actually hit a woman.”
Justin and Brian look at each other for a long moment, while the rest of us try to puzzle out Justin’s sudden difficulty. From the knowing, secretive smirk on Brian’s face I would say that they devised some sort of plan beforehand to keep Brian on a relatively even keel when dealing with this. Apparently, the same method- whatever it is- was also being used for Justin’s benefit. Reluctantly, Justin returns to Brian’s side as the older man readjusts a ring on his right ring finger; one I’ve never noticed Brian wearing before. I’ll have to ask him where he got from, because although it looks fairly plain, it also looks rather expensive.
With a silent nod of thanks to Brian, Justin continues, “So Joan, you want to confirm the deal you had going with Lindsay? Nancy said that she figured it out, and her theory makes perfect sense to all of us. So my guess is that Lindsay promised you a monthly allowance out of Brian’s account should she get Brian to marry her and have a child with him.”
“Sadly, I can see that,” Claire states. “Joan would have needed someone to support her, as she doesn’t have any marketable skills outside of the home. Come to think of it, she doesn’t have any inside of it either. So she would have needed someone to support her if she left Jack. But neither of you counted on Lindsay’s period arriving ON TIME, and therefore thwarting your plans to entrap Brian.”
“What I can’t figure out is what you hoped to accomplish by entrapping Brian, beyond the monetary aspect,” Lynette said, and I have a feeling I know just what was at stake for Joan.
“Oh dear, it’s really quite simple.” Turning to Brandon, who had been silent through this entire confrontation thus far, I ask, “Your father is gay, right?”
He smiles wide, before answering. “As queer as a three-dollar bill.”
I nod. “Which means that because Brian was already so much like his Uncle John, Joan thought that the odds of Brian being queer as well were quite high. But she couldn’t brag to all of her church friends about a successful GAY son, so enter my greedy, conniving daughter as the perfect tool for Joan to see her bigoted will being done in Brian’s life. Am I right, Joan?”
Again, she chooses to remain silent, but no matter, since the doorbell chose to ring at just that moment. Both Jenn, Ron, and I look at our watches, smiling at the time it revealed. We’re about to have confirmation about all Joan hasn’t answered to with the arrival of another visitor. As Joan makes her way towards the door to get away from all of us, Brian heads her off before she could make good on her escape from this mess of her own making. “Sit down, Joanie. Here, hold your Bible; I’m sure you’re going to need it handy. You might want to take a look in Colossians and Ephesians about provoking your children to wrath. Usually that happens when you find fault in everything they do, but well… nevermind. You’re an expert on the subject. Brandon, can you get the door please?”
And I don’t think I could’ve been more surprised that Brian even knew of any books in the Bible, let alone those specific scriptures. But then again, something had to have stuck considering he was constantly dragged to church. Somehow, I have trouble picturing Brian as an altar boy though. On second thought, I think I could. In my day, they were notorious for playing practical jokes on the priest, and the congregation as a whole. Knowing Brian’s penchant for mischief...
“Certainly.” Brandon smiles brightly, before opening the front door. As the person on the doorstep enters the house, I look back in time to see the look of longing, lust, and loathing enter into Joan’s eyes. “Hi, Dad. I’m glad you could make it. Do you have the envelope?”
“Oh my God!” Lynette exclaims. “You’re his… I can’t believe I didn’t put it together when he introduced himself at dinner the other night.”
“You two know each other?” Jennifer asks. “How?”
“We’ll get to explanations shortly, if you don’t mind. First, I would like to hug my son,” John Kinney-Dickerson says, as he goes to stand in front of Brian. “It’s been a long time, Little Einstein B.”
Brian looked at the man he’d always thought was his uncle and smiled. I never thought I would have the pleasure of seeing Brian with tears in his eyes ever, but I have now, twice in a twenty-four hour period. For a man thought to be so heartless, I’m finding it’s so far from the truth if one really knows what to look for. His feelings are all there in his eyes, no matter what his outward appearance might show. The trick is being allowed close enough to him to really see what he feels.
And right now, what I see is unchecked happiness… and gratitude.
“Do you see what your miserable ass caused him to miss out on, you old bitter crone?” I ask Joan, as she sits there in disgruntlement. She chose not to answer, not that she would have much to say anyway. Instead, she reaches for the brand new bottle of vodka at her feet and dumps is into the remainder of the orange juice. She shook it, and replaced the closed bottle back by her feet. But then reached for the half finished cocktail she was so obviously nurding when we arrived unexpectedly. I can't resist the urge to rub this victory for Brian and Claire in just that bit more to drive home a few points to her. "Try as you might, Joan, this isn't some drunken self-delusion you're seeing. It's real life, and you are being left behind. How does it feel?"
Not only has she missed out on having love in her life by marrying a man clearly incapable of it, but she punished a child who was completely innocent. And all because she was jealous. Well now, she can reap all the shit she’s sown along with Lindsay. If you ask me, this kind of Karma couldn’t happen to two more deserving women! While Brian is going on with his life, one will continue to live in an emotional prison, while the other will be locked in the physical one she should have been in a long time ago.
“We can take this reunion out of this stifling atmosphere in a few moments, but first I need to say something to Joan,” John says, before turning to her. Her eyes are filled with trepidation, and suddenly I have a glimpse of what she must have looked like in fear that Jack would be able to confirm the truth of Brian’s parentage. “Joan, here is a check for ten grand. Make it last because that’s all you will ever get from me or MY son again. I always thought you were a good person deep down, but now I know that you were just a selfish bitch who was unable to see anything beyond your own bad choices to allow your children to have the life they truly deserved. Well no matter, while Brian and I will be making up for lost time- time you stole from us- I will also have my time with Claire, who was unfortunate enough to have you for a carrier as well. Enjoy the rest of your miserable life, but you will no longer be able to get your rocks off by smugly watching the pain that knowing you has brought to others. Come on, everyone. I doubt you will find any of the answers you’re really looking for here. Joan is incapable of stepping outside of her delusions to actually tell the truth to anyone.”
“And one more thing,” Brian advises her, as the rest of us move towards the door. “Your plan wouldn’t have worked regarding Lindsay. I’d have refused her even if I was straight and the last man on earth with a dick.”
“How can you say that, Brian? I only wanted what was best for you,” Joan asks, her sudden desperation at knowing she was being left all alone, coloring her voice.
“No, that’s bullshit. You only wanted what was best for YOU. But besides that, I wouldn’t have married Lindsay for one simple reason.”
“And that is?”
“She reminded me too much of you, unlike this man, that I love," Brian announced, before giving Justin a toe-curling kiss and taking his hand before walking away from the woman who birthed him. “Good-bye, Joanie.”
I look back briefly to see that Joan has put down her Bible, and is now literally guzzling the concoction of vodka and orange juice straight from the jug. Guess having all your headgames exposed at one time would do that to an alcoholic. But I’ll be damned if I feel one ounce of sympathy for her. I couldn’t be more proud of Claire, but most especially Brian. No matter what that woman tried to get him to conform to her wishes, Brian stood firm on, claiming his own identity and holding onto it with his sanity intact.
So Joan Kinney and Lindsay Peterson can go to hell as far as we are concerned. In fact, I’m pretty sure they have reservations for a one-way ticket after their earthly sentence in this realm is finished. As I close the door on this house of many horrors, I can’t help but hum that old Ray Charles song, while alternating between Jack and Joan’s names. A never more befitting song has ever been made for such a time as this! And the best part of all this is that Joan knows that Brian and Claire now have a family who loves them; who will do our collective best to eradicate every single unsavory memory of their time within the home of two people who should never have been born with reproductive systems.
Thank you, Karma. Girl, you ROCK!