CHAPTER 50: FEELS LIKE HOME

Excerpt from "Home" sung by Stephanie Mills

When I think of home, I think of a place

Where's there's love overflowing

I wish I was home, I wish I was back there

With the things I've been knowing

Wind that makes the tall grass bend into leaning

Suddenly, the raindrops that fall they have a meaning

Sprinklin’ the scene

Makes it all clean

(When I think of home)

Maybe there's a chance for me to go back

Now that I have some direction

(Maybe there's a chance I'll get home)

It sure would be nice to be back at home

Where there's love and affection

And just maybe I can convince time to slow up

Givin’ me enough time, ooh, in my life to grow up

Time be my friend

And let me start again

Suddenly, my worlds gone and change its fate

And I still know where I'm going

I have had my mind spun round in space

And watched it growing

And oh, if you're listening, God, please don't make it hard

To know if we should believe the things that we see

Tell us should we try and stay or should we run away (Should we run away)

Or will it be better just to let things, let them be, oh

Livin here in this brand new world

Might be a fantasy

But it's taught me to love, oh, yeah

And it's real, it's so real, its real to me

And I've learned that we must look

Inside our hearts to find

A world full of love

Like yours, like mine

Like home

Like, like home

BRIAN

I almost find it strange that at this moment, a man, who has made words and images his entire career, is currently sitting here in this car, devoid of them. So many times- so many damn times- I’ve called out to my uncle to save me, even knowing I couldn’t do so aloud for fear the beatings would result in my death. Then there were the times I prayed for death because it would ultimately land Jack and Joan in jail where they so obviously belonged. But at this moment, it's those long ago memories I find that I’m grateful for. Because it’s shown me that there are people who really love me, and are willing to stand by me regardless of the circumstances… 

That I have a mother- two mothers in Nancy and Jenn- who would have happily taken Joan to church, if only to drown her in the Holy Water. And now, I have a chance to get to know my father… My real father. Not the man who at the end of his life was just beginning to realize the wrong he’d done to me, but the man who would have never made those mistakes in the first place. I can’t help but wonder what Jack Kinney would think of all this.

“What’s on your mind, Bri?” Justin asked me softly, as he continued to navigate through traffic. 

We’re on our way to LeMont again, in what is sure to be a celebratory lunch, before heading to the hospital to see Taryn, and our children. God, my life has changed so much in the last few days alone that it feels I’ve barely had time to catch my breath! But you know what… if this is the way it’s meant to be from now on, I don’t want to. I feel like I’m living someone else’s life at this moment, and yet it’s my new reality.

Entering the restaurant, I almost have to laugh as people pause mid-fork at the sight of my father and I standing side-by-side. No one in this set had ever had the displeasure of meeting Jack. Or at least, I sincerely hope not. Knowing him myself, the impression they were left with wouldn’t have been favorable at all. But Uncle John- my dad- looks as if he was born to be in the Elite crowd. It’s then that I really understand Jack’s jealousy of his brother. 

If Jack had the drive and determination John Kinney had in wanting to be more after his career-ending injury, perhaps then he would have risen above everything thrown at him. Like I did. Instead, Jack chose to drown in drink and self-pity. But unlike me, I suppose Jack felt he had nothing to prove. After all, he was in control of everything except Joan, and later the cancer that took his life.

Justin is to blame for me having these thoughts of clarity for a man who thought nothing of me but what an inconvenience I was. I find myself thinking more like him lately, and it’s completely unsettling. Part of me wants to drink to forget I’m having them at all, but the other needs some very pertinent questions answered. I know what I think about all of this, but I really want to hear what John- my father- has to say about all this.

As we settle around the table, I continue trying to put my thoughts in order. There are so many questions and suppositions floating around that I don’t even know where to start. Brandon takes the seat next to me, even as Justin takes the other side. I feel my lover place a comforting hand on my thigh, soothing my frazzled nerves in a way I haven’t needed in a long time. Whereas my association with Joan has officially come to an end, the bottom line is that I’m sitting across from the only parent I have left. I suppose Claire is feeling a bit like an orphan as well. 

Is it selfish of me to not have thought about how all these revelations about the past have really affected her? I mean, she lived the lies told by Joan, too; forced to cover up what she knew or receive the same treatment I did just for being born to the wrong Kinney man. She’s just as much a survivor of that horrible existence as I am, and yet, I’m in a place mentally that I can’t stop the slides of broken bones, black eyes, and busted ribs resulting in a near-punctured lung because I needed to get the scholarship that would ultimately set me free of the Kinney curse. But there is one question that my mind is asking louder than all the others… 

Before the question is even out of my mouth, my twat picks the thoughts right out of my head. “John, I have to ask, what took you so long to come back for Brian?” Justin asks. 

Everyone was a bit surprised at the directness of the question, but that’s Justin. Ever since the first night, but especially since recovering all of his memory, the hesitation is gone from him. Once he makes a decision, he sticks to it and then owns the fallout. I can’t help but think of all the times he risked my wrath in an effort to get his questions answered, truthfully. It was when he stopped that we fell apart. 

I clear my mind of the thoughts, even as I hear Jennifer gently scolding Justin about tact. I stop her by saying, “Jennifer, while some could see the timing as questionable, he’s right. It’s something making small talk won’t answer.”

“But Brian, darling, this is supposed to be a celebration. Surely, it can wait?” she asks.

I know what both Justin and Jenn are doing. While one is trying to set my mind at ease, the other is trying to protect me. Jennifer knows that privacy is everything to me, especially since reconnecting with Justin. Too many cooks in our kitchen caused an explosion amongst the family as a whole, and an implosion between me and him that we’re all still recovering from. Mom knows that, as does Sunshine. And I couldn’t love the Taylors more than I do at this moment. 

Clearing my throat of the emotions getting stuck there, I motion for John to answer, which he does. 

“Honestly, I was scared of what I would find. Until last year, I had been keeping a close eye on Brian through a private investigator. Of course, I couldn’t personally intervene for many reasons; the restraining order my ignorant ass brother had implemented being the first one. Due to the massive amount of damage to Jack’s home and person, it wasn’t hard to understand why he sought out the law for protection. No doubt I would have killed him if given another chance at the time. I would apologize for saying that, but I’m not fucking sorry, since he had that beating coming his way for a long time.”

“But Brian went to college away from home, so why not then?” Justin asks.

Once again, my father answers Justin, while looking directly at me. “When Brian left for college, I thought about reaching out then, but wasn’t sure of the reception I would get from my son. Something I’m sure you all know about him is that he internalizes everything, even when the situation has little or nothing to do with him. I have a feeling the reason Jack and Joan stayed together was about so much more than the sanctity of marriage, as Joan puts it, even if they were a match made in hell. It was more about a checks and balance sheet than the unholy union they found themselves in, and Jack could have walked away at any time.” 

“That’s true,” Claire confirms, then adds, “But that’s another conversation for another time.”

John nodded, smiling slightly at her. “Anyway, it’s one thing to know you are a good person, and would have done everything in your power to protect the ones you love. But it’s another thing entirely to not know what lies have been laid unknowingly at your doorstep. By then, I had both Brandon and Garrett, along with my husband to think about, and wasn’t sure if Brian would be receptive to a relationship with my family. Would he feel replaced? Or abandoned? Would Joan or even Claire have told him the truth, and how would he feel about it, considering I didn’t rescue him from Jack? Those were just some questions constantly running in a loop in my head until I just figured you may have been better off not knowing any of it. The others, well, I think you’re just beginning to ask those for yourself, Son. Just know that Joan has a lot more than you know to answer for when she finally goes to meet her maker.”

“What do you mean?” I ask, but it’s Brandon who answers.

“That just as Lindsay paid Marty Ryder in services rendered, Joan paid Lindsay to keep you right where they both wanted you. That ten grand Dad just gave her was this year’s fee that she paid to Lindsay.” 

“This year’s fee?” Justin asked.

Claire nodded. “It’s why she was always demanding money beyond what Brian made sure she had every month. Dad’s pension and social security was enough to pay for the bills and such. But the other three grand he gave her monthly went to Lindsay, payable on the last day of each month. The two of them have been in cahoots for years. Joan’s only instructions to Lindsay were to do whatever she had to do to bring Brian to heel no matter how long it took.” 

“Including having Gus,” Melanie growled, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard a sound like that come out of her before, even while angry at me. “I knew there had to be another reason she was so adamant to have you as the father to Gus than just that shit about giving you someone to love you for yourself, Brian. I suspect the agreement between Lindsay and Joan was similar to the one she and Michael had struck up with Ethan.”

“So you mean the part of the money I’ve been giving Joan every month went to Lindsay?”

“And Michael, let’s not forget him.”

“But he was using Justin’s money.”

“Yeah, he was. But Lindsay also had to pay her own little troll to cross the metaphorical bridge to get to you too, Brian. That ‘shut the fuck up’ money she gave Michael went a long way in making sure you were busy whenever she could take the opportunity to bring Gus over to see Grandmother Dearest and update her on the plans to get Justin out of your life and into matrimonial hell with her.”

“But all of her plans are backfiring,” I say. “Truth be told, they did from the moment I met Sunshine.”

“And trust me, even fresh out of labor Lindsay knew that,” Melanie said. “John, you knew all this, didn’t you?”

“As I’ve said, I’ve been keeping an eye on Brian for a long time before last year. What I couldn’t figure out at first was why Lindsay was the chosen one Joan used to entrap Brian. But then it became all too clear why. It was like seeing the same avaricious demon that has ridden Joan for most of her life reincarnate itself inside Lindsay Peterson. Like recognizes like, after all. Brian, if you really stop to think about the situation you and I found ourselves in with Joan and Lindsay, you’ll see that they are just about identical to Joan and Jack’s, minus the physical violence in Lindsay’s case.”

Melanie shook her head. “Midsummer Madness was about so much more than just having your kid, Brian. Cutting off one head of the Hydra just kept another one growing back. Until now.”

“Mel, what the hell does Greek mythology have to do with this?” I ask, not seeing the comparison.

“Come on, think about it, Kinney. The alliances between Joan, Lindsay, Michael, Ryder, Vance, Craig Taylor, and Jack, all joined together in one cause, even if they didn’t have direct dealings. And yeah, even Debbie could be considered one of the heads sometimes, albeit unknowingly. But with what you all just did, you killed the real snake trying to swallow you. Lindsay was mainly just Joan’s mouthpiece, while Michael was her henchman. Somehow, I suspect Jack was just as much a victim of Joan and her machinations as you were. If nothing else, abuse is about control. So the question is, who really had it; him or her?”

“Well, he always called Joanie, the Warden. Hearing all of this puts a lot of what went on in the Kinney Horror House into a different perspective. But Claire, what did you mean when you mentioned a conversation for another time?” 

“The checks and balance sheet. If Jack left Joan for any reason other than death, he would have to pay back all the money Joan’s father put into their marriage from the beginning. He originally purchased the house and got Jack the job at the steel mills. Plus supplied Jack with a stipend of sorts to live on between paychecks.”

John nodded. “My parents constantly warned my brother about hanging out with Joan and the possibility of ending up trapped in a marriage with her. But Jack wouldn’t listen. So when Joan turned up pregnant and named Jack as the father, they cut him off, which now that I think about it was Joan’s family’s intention in the first place. I think they thought Jack would inherit, since I got accepted into college and didn’t want to go into business with my father.”

“But that’s not what happened,” I said, reluctantly fascinated with this part of the Kinney history. 

“No. At first, everything weas supposed to be split evenly, but when Jack was forced to marry Joan, the will was changed so that I inherited the whole business. Eventually, I liquidated it and used the money to enlarge my sporting goods company when the time came. By then, you were born, and Jack and I were estranged. The prenup Jack was made to sign when he married Joan specified that anything Jack would have inherited would go to Joan upon his death. So it was a bitter surprise to all of them when it was discovered that Jack wasn’t going to get anything after my parents’ death. Because of how that cursed document was worded, Jack still couldn’t leave Joan.”

“Not without losing everything, including what he had when he died, which wasn’t much at all,” I said. “So what would Joan have gained by using Lindsay?”

“Unfettered access to your money, Brian,” Justin answered.

John and Claire nodded. “He’s right. Even back then, you were showing that you were destined for greatness, Brian. Joan already knew Jack wasn’t going to rise to the heights her family thought, preferring to live in the gutter. Although now I suspect that was more to make Joan suffer the way he was by being married to her. But you couldn’t hide your intelligence and determination, even if you wanted to. It’s why I spent most of my life angry with you,” Claire said.

I nodded, and then asked her, “How are you feeling?”

Claire smiled. “I’m okay. I’m finally free of that woman in all facets. I’m getting married, me and my boys are well cared for, and none of us have any fear of me becoming Joan Kinney the sequel. Most importantly, I’m no longer bound by what I couldn’t tell you. It’s all out in the open, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Of course, that leaves you with some major decisions to make.”

Looking at the man I had wished was my father so many times, I ask, “So what happens now?”

“That’s up to you. There’s so much to decide, but there’s time.”

“Yeah, there is.”

I smiled, once again looking at my family. Probably, for the first time in my life, I feel complete. The love radiating as the conversations flowed around me, filled with laughter and the occasional toasts to new beginnings, was more than I could have ever asked for. I can’t help but think yet again that if I hadn’t chased after the only man that ever made me want to run after him, this feeling I have within me right now would have remained elusive. I feel like I’ve just come home after being set adrift for so long. And that’s exactly what these people are to me…

My home.