Rage



**************************************  

“Rage.”



How appropriate!  A comic book based on him called “Rage”.  If they only knew.



Brian could taste the rage boiling just beneath the surface.  He had forced the issue, knowing the outcome, but somehow hoping for a different result.  He had danced, as Justin walked away - with him, the ‘I don’t give a shit’ Brian Kinney veneer, seemingly intact.  But just underneath, rage seethed.



Rage against Justin, rage against Ethan, rage against his parents who had created him, rage against his pathetic life, rage against himself - mostly himself.  He had been such a fucking fool to think that he could change, to think that he could be loved, to think that he could be happy.



He had changed his life, his beliefs, for him, for Justin, and look what had happened.  Justin had lied to him and had broken all the rules, the very rules that Justin himself had insisted upon.  He had been seeing Ethan, for who knew how long, and fucking him.  When he would come back to the loft and immediately shower, did he think Brian couldn’t smell Ethan on him?  Did he think Brian was too stupid to know he was kissing and fucking someone else?  Did he think Brian wouldn’t care?  Did he think that Brian didn’t feel him gradually slipping away?



****************************************



Brian woke with a start.  It was 4:15 am.  He had been asleep for barely an hour.  How was he ever going to get through the rest of this interminable night?  How would he get through tomorrow?  Next week?  Next month?  The rest of his fucking life?



His head throbbed.  Two days since the “Rage” fiasco at Babylon and he was barely functioning.  If he had managed three hours of sleep since then, that would be all.  After Justin left the club with Ethan, Brian had danced and drank and drugged.  He refused to show weakness.  Michael, Lindsay, all of them, had tried to comfort him, but he was having none of it.  He refused to listen to their sympathy, their pity.  He silenced all criticism of Justin with the patented Brian Kinney look that brooked no further comment.



Finally, hardly able to stand, he had allowed Michael to drag him out of Babylon and drive him home.  Michael offered to stay with him, but he sent him away, wanting to lick his wounds in private.



The next day had passed in a haze of liquor and pain.  He left his bed only to use the bathroom and grab another bottle of Beam.  He dozed occasionally, but the liquor hadn’t been able to fill the bottomless hole in the pit of his stomach.  He seemed constantly on the verge of either puking up his guts or screaming incoherently.  Yet he did neither.



Sunday gradually became Monday, and he mustered enough self-control to call Cynthia and tell her he would not be in.  No explanation, no apology, he just wouldn’t be in.



**************************************



Now it was almost  Tuesday morning.  He was somewhat sober, more than he wanted to be.  Should he try going to work?  The longer he stayed away, the more questions there would be, and he was not prepared to answer any questions.  He didn’t even have any reasonable answers.



He would either have to try to continue his life, or simply give up.  Giving up was awfully tempting.  Fetal position on his platform bed was about all he could manage most of the time.  A gun would have made matters so much simpler.  He smiled a humorless smile and groaned inwardly.



People called him a control freak.  He wondered if he had even enough control left to make himself go on.



He had really lived up to that control freak title at Babylon when he had orchestrated the “Rage” bash.  He had gone all out to launch the success of the comic book.  The actors, the dramatization, the “Rage” masks for everyone; it had been quite a production.  It was the least he could do for Michael and Justin, his farewell gesture.  Then he had told Lindsay and Mel to find Justin and tell him that Brian wanted to celebrate with him.  He knew Justin would find him in the back room fucking “Rage”.  He even thought Justin might realize the irony of that, but he must have been too hurt.  Once Justin had seen them, Brian told the trick to fuck off and headed out to the dance floor.



He had figured Ethan would show up to support Justin.  That was the nature of romantics.  Even if he wasn’t a romantic himself, Brian knew how it worked.  At least 80% of advertising was romanticizing something, and he was a fucking master at that.  But he knew that that was just part of the bullshit of the world - not real, not true.  He had thought that he and Justin were real and true.  More the fool he!



Justin had headed straight to Ethan, had hugged him, kissed him, listened to the words he wanted to hear and with one backward glance, he had walked out of Babylon and out of Brian’s life.



**************************************



Brian rolled over onto his back and swallowed hard.  Rage bubbled up at the thought of what might have been, what almost was.



Slowly he threw the covers back.  It was 5:30 am.  If he got up now, he could make himself presentable, hell, fabulous even, and put in an appearance at work.  A shower, a few cups of coffee and he could face anything.  He was a survivor.  He could do this.  He would resurrect the old Brian Kinney, the glib “don’t fuck with me” asshole who had no heart and didn’t give a shit about anything or anyone.  He must still be here somewhere.  

You Are My Sunshine



 **************************************



At 7:30 am Brian walked into Vangard.  No one seemed to be around yet.  That was good.  He could go to his office without explanation and get started with the day and with the rest of his life.



He checked his e-mails and dealt with a few that needed his attention.  There, that wasn’t so hard.  He picked up the files on the latest accounts.  He started leafing through the latest Liberty Air proposal when his mind began to wander - to Justin, to Rage.



“You’re back.”  Cynthia snapped him out of that place he didn’t want to go.



“Yeah.  Miss me?”



“Always,” she joked, “although my day is much less complicated when you’re not here.”



“Are you implying that I am high maintenance?”



“Well, if the Prada fits ...” she teased.  “Do you want to go over today’s agenda?” she asked, returning to her all business voice.



“Give me ten minutes and then we will,” he said.



Cynthia stepped out, and Brian released the breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding.  He had handled that very well, almost like normal.  It was 8:15, only eight hours and forty-five minutes to go.  He hoped he had enough energy to last that long.



**************************************



“Michael’s on line one,” Cynthia said over the intercom.



“Shit,” Brian thought.  “Now it starts.”  He had shut off all the phones at the loft and had not even checked for messages.  He knew what they would be and who they would be from - Michael and Lindsay.  He had been afraid that one of them would come to the loft to check on him, but thankfully they hadn’t.  Maybe they had understood that he needed to be alone.  But now they had caught him.



“Put him through,” said Brian.  “Hey, Mikey.  What’s up?”



“Where have you been the last two days?  We were worried about you.”



“Think I can’t take care of myself?”



“You were pretty wasted when I took you home from Babylon.”



“A couple of days of R and R have fixed me up just fine.”



“Brian, I know this must be very hard ...”



'Shut the fuck up,' Brian willed silently.  Aloud, he said, “I don’t want to rehash it all.  It’s over and done with.  I’m just dandy.”



“But ...”



“I said I don’t want to talk about this!”  Brian could feel the rage starting to well up from deep inside.



“Will you come to Woody’s after work?” Michael asked.  “I think we should talk.”



“If the spirit moves me.  Bye, Mikey,” and he hung up before Michael could ask him to do any more impossible things.  “Cynthia, if Michael calls again, I’m in a meeting.  Understand?”



“Sure, boss,” Cynthia replied, wondering what was going on.



Brian looked at the clock.  11 am - six hours to go.



**************************************



Brian met with Gardner Vance about the latest Liberty Air proposals.  They were pretty good, if he did say so himself.  Gardner was satisfied and didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary.  Brian felt that he was getting through the day in quite a satisfactory manner.  As long as he didn’t allow his thoughts to wander, he would be all right.  He hadn’t felt the rage since Michael had called.  2:20 pm - three hours to go.



**************************************



A while later one of his assistants stuck his head in the door.



“Got a minute, Brian?” Kevin asked.



“What is it?”



“I had an idea for the ‘Glow’ makeup campaign, and I wanted to run it by you.”



“Let’s hear what you’ve got,” said Brian.



“Well, you know the print ads feature the ‘Glow Girl’ at the beach, at a barbecue, etc. with lots of sunlight, the makeup making her appear to glow.”



“Yeah,” said Brian, “so...”



“Now they want some thirty second TV shots, so I thought if we took the same ideas, but show the ‘Glow Girl’ getting ready to party - the makeup taking her into the evening, but maintaining the sunny daytime glow.”



“I like it.”



“One other piece to add.  Listen to this,” and he fumbled with a tape recorder.  “I was watching the George Clooney movie “O Brother, Where Art Thou?’ and I heard this song.  Thought it would fit perfectly, but do it in a little less country style.”  He hit the play button, and Brian’s heart stopped.



                                         “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

                                          You make me happy when skies are gray.

                                          You’ll never know dear how much I love you.

                                          Please don’t take my sunshine away.”



Brian sat frozen in his chair, as the words swept over him.  He knew he had stopped breathing and he felt like his heart was going to explode.  He had to stop those words.  He grabbed the tape recorder and threw it at the far wall with all his might.  Rage coursed through his veins as he watched it shatter, pieces of plastic flying in all directions.  Thankfully the music ceased.



“Get out!” Brian snarled.



“What did I do?” Kevin started to ask.



“Out! Now!”  Brian pushed him toward the door, slamming it behind him and locking it.  He pounded his fist against the door wanting to rip it to shreds along with every other thing in his office and his life.  He slumped down against the door, fighting back the tears of pain and rage.



“Fuck!  Where did that goddamn song come from?  Sunshine!!!  My only sunshine,” he moaned through gritted teeth.



Just then he heard Cynthia on the other side of the door.



“Brian, Brian, are you all right?”



“Yeah,” he gasped, trying to focus on her voice.                                               



“What happened?  Kevin is freaked.”



'So am I,' Brian screamed inside his head.  Out loud he said, “Just a minute, Cynthia.”



He adjusted his tie, stood up ramrod straight and unlocked the door.  With every ounce of resolve he possessed, he opened the door and motioned Cynthia to come in.



She looked at him tentatively, taking in the clenched jaw and the eyes like black cinders.



“Tell Kevin to get back in here,” Brian ordered.



“Are you sure?”



“Do I look the least bit uncertain to you?”



“I’ll get him right away,” she said and hurried out.



Brian walked over to the dent in the wall, picked up the remains of the tape recorder and extracted the tape.  As he dropped the useless machine into his wastebasket, Kevin appeared in the doorway.  He stood there, unsure of his reception.



“I hate that fucking song,” Brian stated by way of explanation.



“I kinda figured that out,” Kevin ventured.



“Well kinda find another song about the sun that isn’t that one,” Brian ordered.



“Consider it done, and I’m sorry.”



“Sorry’s bullshit.  Just do as I asked.”



“No problem,” said Kevin, as he backed out of the office.



Brian closed his door and collapsed into his chair.  3:15 pm - two hours left.



**************************************



Everyone left him alone for the rest of the afternoon.  That was fine with him.  He had scared the shit out of them and himself.  He groaned at the irony.  He was so scared and angry that he had managed to scare everyone else.  They would be very careful around him from now on, and that was a good thing.



At 5:30 sharp, not a second sooner, he walked out of his office.  For the last two hours he had refused to give in to the overwhelming desire to run back to the loft and curl up with a bottle of his old friend, Jim Beam.  He had survived the day, somehow.



“Good night, boss.” Cynthia said rather warily, as he passed her desk.



“Yeah, see ya tomorrow,” and he was gone.



**************************************



Brian drove in silence to the loft.  He knew he couldn’t go to Woody’s tonight.  As soon as the loft door closed behind him, he grabbed a bottle of Beam and took several gulps.  His stomach flipped in protest, but it stayed down.  Years of practice, he grinned humorlessly to himself.



He took off his suit jacket and fished something out of his pocket.  He walked over to the stereo and popped in the tape.  He rewound it to the beginning of that cut and stopped.  He took another swig of the liquor and pushed “play”.  He slumped back on the couch and listened to the whole song, the refrain that Kevin had played for him repeating after each verse.



“The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you in my arms,

But when I woke, dear, I was mistaken,

And I hung my head and I cried.



You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

You make me happy when skies are gray.

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you.

Please don’t take my sunshine away.



I’ll always love you and make you happy,

If you will only say the same.

But if you leave me, and love another,

You’ll regret it all some day.



You told me once, dear, you really loved me

And no one could come between,

But now you’ve left me to love another.

You have shattered all of my dreams.



In all my dreams, dear, you seem to leave me.

When I awake, my poor heart pains,

So won’t you come back and make me happy.

I’ll forgive, dear, I’ll take all the blame.”



Brian remembered hearing this old song in his childhood, and he had never paid much attention to it.  It was just another sappy song that his mother had liked.  Now, as he listened, it seemed like the lyrics had been written solely for him.  The words:  ‘I dreamed I held you in my arms”, “If you leave me and love another”, “Come back and make me happy”, “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine”.  Fucking words!



The rage that had boiled through Brian the last few days started to ebb away.  He could feel it dissipating with each chorus of the song, but it was replaced with great sorrow and longing.



“You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you.”



Brian closed his eyes and listened to the words over and over again.  He could still hear them in his mind long after the tape ended.  Sleep finally took him and he dreamed of holding his Sunshine in his arms once again.

Poster Boy

   **************************************



“Oh fuck!”  Brian rolled off the couch and onto the rug.  It was about 5 am by the clock on the computer desk, and he was stiff from sleeping on a couch whose length was somewhat shorter than his own.  He had, however, slept rather well, all things considered, more sleep than he had had since that night at Babylon.



He had awoken a couple of times and replayed that song on the stereo.  Somehow it gave him comfort that someone else could put into words what he was feeling but couldn’t express.  He felt less alone, knowing that the composer of “You Are My Sunshine” must have experienced the same things he was going through



Another day of work lay ahead, but he had lost some of the dread that he had felt the first day or two.  He knew that each day would be a little easier than the previous one.  He would reclaim his life, day by day and hour by hour.



He got up, showered and decided to check his messages.  There was one from Michael wanting to know why he hadn’t come to Woody’s, one from Lindsay asking him to call her and let her know that he was all right, and one from Justin saying he wanted to pick up his belongings when Brian wouldn’t be there.



Brian listened to the one from Justin with a strange detachment.  He had known this would happen and last night had prepared him on some level.  The rage that he had felt boiling through his body after Justin left with fiddle boy had forged a band of steel around his heart.  The song had cooled it into a sleek and impermeable metal that he was sure nothing could breach.  No one would hurt him like that again.



He thought maybe he would go to the diner for breakfast.  Mikey would probably be there, Ted and Emmett, and maybe even Justin.  He wasn’t quite sure that he was ready for that one.



“I can face them all,” he said to himself.  “I’ll prove that I can survive anything and come out better than ever.  Fuck ‘em all!”



He dressed carefully, wanting to appear perfect, the old Kinney veneer rising to the surface.



 **************************************



When he opened the diner door, he took a deep breath and looked around.  Michael, Ted and Emmett were in their usual booth.  No sign of Justin.



“Howdy boys,” Brian said, as he slid into the booth beside Michael.



“Look who’s back,” Ted smirked.  “We thought you had abandoned us.”



“Ted, I’d never do that to those less fortunate than myself.”



“I see nothingÂ’s changed.  You’re as supercilious as ever.”



“My, my, you must have been reading your Thesaurus.  Such big words!”



“Will you two knock it off,” Michael interrupted.



Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek and rolled his eyes.  Debbie walked over to the table.  She gave Brian a cursory glance, but said nothing directly to him.  For that he was grateful.



“What’ll it be, boys?”



“Just coffee for me, Deb,” Brian stated.



“Still watching your figure?” she asked.



“Ha,” Brian snorted.  “If I don’t, nobody else will.”



“Especially now that he’s back on the market,” Emmett added.



Brian gave him a look, but said nothing.



“Eggs over easy, bacon and toast,” Michael ordered.



“Make it two,” said Ted.



“Three,” Emmett added.



“Right.  You sure you don’t want something to eat?” Debbie asked Brian.



“Just coffee,” he repeated.  “I have to get to the office.”



Deb poured coffee for each of them.



“Hey guys,“ Michael started, “I have three framed posters of “Rage” from the bash at Babylon.”



Ted and Emmett glanced at Michael and then at Brian.



Ted said, “Soooo?” drawing it out for several syllables.



“I thought I’d put one in the store, one in the apartment, and maybe one of you would like the other one.”



“I live with you,” said Emmett.  “It’s my apartment too.”



“I’m not really into comics,” Ted said.



“I’ll take it,” Brian stated flatly.



All mouths dropped, as they each stared at Brian in disbelief.



“We all know that I am “Rage” and I happen to have a use for the poster.”



“What use?” Ted wanted to know.



“One day you’ll see,” said Brian enigmatically.  “I have to get to the office.”  Brian started to get up.



“Want to take the poster with you?  They’re right over here,” Michael said, reaching behind the counter.



“Great.”  Brian scooped up the poster.  “See you at Babylon tonight,” and he was gone.



“What was that?” he heard Emmett ask, as the diner door closed behind him.



He had pulled it off.  He was back, for all intents and purposes.  Not one of them had had the nerve to ask how he was or to mention Justin.  He could play them as he always had.  They would never know that anything was wrong, and if he could pretend long enough and hard enough, nothing would be wrong.  He could resume his old life.  “The Iceman Cometh,” he thought.  “Hell, the Iceman is here.”



**************************************



He put the poster in the Jeep and climbed in.  He needed “Rage” to remind him of what had happened, so that he would never let it happen again.  He had given in to love and feelings, and now he was suffering the consequences.  “Rage” would never let him forget, never let him slip into that trap again.



Brian carried “Rage” into the office.  He stopped at Cynthia’s desk.



“Do you have something to hang this?” Brian asked, showing her the poster.  “This is Michael and Justin’s comic superhero.”



“Wow,” Cynthia reacted.  “I’ll be right in with what you need.”



Brian continued on to his office.  He knew where he wanted to hang “Rage”, right over the dent in the wall from “You Are My Sunshine”.  Sweet irony!



Cynthia brought in a picture hanger and a hammer.  Brian held “Rage” right where he wanted it, right over the dent, and Cynthia marked the spot where the nail should go.



“I was going to ask you about getting a repairman to fix the hole,” said Cynthia.



“Not necessary anymore,” Brian observed.



“You just want to leave it under the poster?” she asked.



“Yeah.”



“Interesting looking character.”



“You think so?”



“Kind of reminds me of someone.”



“Oh, who?”



“You.”



“Very observant.”



“You mean it is you?”



“Not really me, but based on me.”



“Are you kidding?”



Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek and smirked.



“You’re serious.”  Cynthia looked at “Rage” more closely.  “I’ll be damned.”



“I hope not.”



Cynthia chuckled.  “I better get back to my desk.  Need anything?”



“Not at the moment.  Bring in the day’s agenda in about ten minutes.”



She nodded and left, with one more glance at “Rage”.



Brian sat down behind his desk.  From the far wall “Rage” stared back at him.  Rage may have left his body, but its incarnation would be there all day, every day, looking accusingly at him, making him remember.                                                    



And he did not want to forget.  He wanted the raw memory to be constantly there, keeping him focused, making him strong.  He had survived many things in his life, and this too could be overcome.



**************************************



Brian had one more job to do before he could get down to work.  He picked up the phone and dialed a number.



Two rings and a voice said, “Hello.”



Brian’s pulse quickened.  He had been hoping to leave a message.  He replied, “Justin, you left a message about picking up your things.  I’m at work all day today and tomorrow, so get your stuff whenever you want.”



“Thanks, I will.  But, Brian, I . . . I want to say I’m sorry.”



“You know what I think of ‘sorry’.”



“Could we talk, later, after I get situated?”



“I don’t think there’s anything to say.”



“Of course there is.”



“Communication was our biggest problem.  What good will it do to try and talk now?”



“I owe you a lot, and I’m sorry that I hurt you.”



Brian grimaced and pain welled up from the pit of his stomach.



“I need to talk to you about my tuition and all the rest that I owe you,” Justin continued.



“We have a written agreement that still carries on, so all you owe me is repayment after you graduate and make your fortune...”



“You know there’s a lot more to it than that.”



“There doesn’t need to be.  Pick up your belongings today or tomorrow and leave the key in the mailbox.  Don’t forget to set the alarm when you leave.”



“Like I’d ever forget that again,” Justin said wryly.



“Then it’s settled and finished.”



“But, Brian ...”



“Goodbye, Justin,” and Brian hung up.



He wasn’t angry, he wasn’t in agony, he wasn’t a blithering idiot.  He had talked to Justin and the world hadn’t stopped spinning on its axis.  What had he expected?  Anticipation had been much worse than the actuality.



However, a new realization was beginning to form in his mind - the realization of a long, empty future ahead of him.

Going Back

**************************************



Brian opened the door of the loft.  He knew immediately that Justin had been there.  The few reminders of him that had been visible were gone.  There hadn’t been much of his stuff actually on display - his drawings on the dining room table, his backpack near the dresser, his portable CD on the coffee table.  They were now gone, but Justin’s presence, maybe it was his essence, still lingered.



"It’s really over,” Brian whispered to himself, as he closed the door.



He walked over to the stereo and started “You Are My Sunshine”.  He had bought the CD so that he could access the song more easily.  By hitting ‘repeat’ he could play it over and over again, and he had.  He seemed to be obsessed with the song.  It calmed and soothed him.  He had experienced such incredible pain and anger the first time he had heard that song.  From the very beginning the song had spoken to him on a primal level that he could not explain.  Now it had become like a mantra.  He knew that Justin was his sunshine, the only light in his life.  He would never allow anyone else to get to him like Justin had.  He was sure no one else could even come close.



Did the song hold a promise of his sunshine coming back?  Is that why he listened to it over and over again?  Was he holding out false hope?  It didn’t really matter, because he couldn’t stop listening to it, whatever the reason.



As the song started up for the second time, he thought he would take a shower.  He wanted to look his best when he went to Babylon.  He left the song playing and went into the bathroom.



It would be better to start this at Babylon, less talk and more action than at Woody’s.  He would show everyone that he was as good, no as great, as ever.  Tonight would mark his return to the club scene.  He would make sure that there was no doubt that the old Brian Kinney was back in every way.



Brian dressed in skintight black jeans and a sheer, sleeveless black shirt.  Slutty, Justin would have called it.



“I’d fuck you,” said Brian, looking at his reflection in the mirror.



He arrived at Babylon a while later.  Michael and Ben were standing by the bar.  Emmett and Ted were dancing.  He walked over to the bar and ordered a beer.  As he sucked on his beer and began scanning for a likely trick, Michael came closer.



“I’m glad you came tonight.  It’s good to see you’re back,” he said.



“In more ways than one.”



“What does that mean?”



“Oh, nothing.  Wanna dance?”



“Sure.”



Brian steered him out onto the dance floor.  As they started to dance, Brian looked back at Ben who was staring at him with a rather disapproving look.  Ben obviously didn’t approve of Brian being there.  He didn’t like the way Brian was handling the whole Justin thing.  Michael would be no problem, because in his eyes Brian rarely did anything wrong.  Ben would be a tougher nut to crack.  He didn’t need Ben on his case, just as he was getting things back to normal.



Ted and Emmett danced over to them, so Brian had an excuse to look away from Ben.  He didn’t want it to appear that he couldn’t meet Ben’s gaze, but it was starting to get a little uncomfortable.



“Welcome back to Babylon, sweetie,” Emmett said, giving him a hug.



“Sweetie?  Have I been promoted?” Brian asked with a smile.



“Just glad to see you,” Emmett said with sincerity.



“Thanks.”  Brian was kind of touched.  “No warm welcome from you?” Brian asked, looking at Ted.



“Nice to see that nothing ever changes or affects you.”



“Did you expect me to fall apart?”



“You?  Never.  But I thought there might have been a little regret or sadness.”



Brian didn’t like where this was going.  “I don’t do regret or sadness.  They’re bullshit!  I’m here to have a good time and you’re getting me down.”



“Well, excuse me for caring,” Ted snapped.



“I need another beer,” Brian said, as he headed for the bar.



This might be harder than he had thought.  Damn Ted, anyway!  The others trailed along after him.



The best way to stop all this speculation was to find a trick.  As Brian picked up his beer, he saw a likely candidate staring at him from the dance floor.  He took a good slug of the beer, set the bottle down and headed toward the guy.



“Brian,” he heard Michael say, but he kept on going.



The man was black, early twenties, muscular, shaved head.  Could he have found anyone more different from Justin?  'Don’t think like that,' he told himself.



It was no time till he was leading the man to the backroom.  He gave Brian a passable blowjob, but he was nothing to write home about.  Once it was done, Brian headed out to the dance floor without a word to the trick.  He had needed to get blown.  It had been almost a week since he had had sex, and that was much too long.  One more price to pay for Justin and his so-called love.  He didn’t feel a whole lot better, but he had made his statement.  Nothing had changed.  Justin’s infidelity (Christ, where did he get these words?) had not destroyed him.



He found them all near the bar, seemingly awaiting his return.



“How was it?” Ted had enough nerve to ask.



“Peachy,” said Brian, giving him a withering look.



That seemed to shut them up.  He ordered a double vodka and downed it in one gulp.  He wasn’t nearly drunk enough, so he ordered another.



Ben walked over to him.  'Here goes,' he thought.  “Evening , Ben.  How’ve you been?”



“Much better lately.  How are you?”



“Just dandy.  Why do you ask?”  As soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew it was a mistake.  Ben would be sure to tell him.



“Look, Brian, I know it’s none of my business, but ...”



“You’re right.  It is none of your business,” Brian interrupted him.



“But,” Ben continued, “I’m going to say this for your own good.”



“Like I could stop you.”



“I know Justin cheated on you and hurt you.”  Brian started to protest, but Ben would not be stopped.  “He’s young and still has a lot to learn, but he really loved, loves, you.  You took matters into your own hands and drove him away, probably thinking it was for the good of both of you.  I don’t know all that went on, but I want you to be sure that you don’t burn all of your bridges.  You may regret it later if you do.  He may want to come back and you may need him.  If that happens, give it another chance.  That’s all I have to say.”



“What makes you think you know what’s right for me?”



“I’ve seen Justin’s effect on you, and it has been for the good.”



“In your opinion.”



“Yes, in my opinion, for whatever it’s worth.”



“Maybe it’s not worth much.”



“Maybe not, but I want you to think carefully about this.  You could be destroying your life and Justin’s too.”



“I don’t think so.”



“Enough said. I’ve given you my two cents worth.  Take it or leave it,” Ben concluded.



“I think I’ll leave it,” Brian said.



Ben shrugged and walked over to Michael, pulling him out onto the dance floor.



Brian watched them move away.  Ben was too smart for his own good.  All Brian needed right now was unsolicited advice, but he had heard what Ben had said and he did respect his opinion.  Did Ben think there was still a chance for him and Justin?  That’s what it sounded like to Brian.  Why would he think that?  Did he know something that Brian didn’t?  Could his sunshine come back and make him happy?



'Stop it, Kinney!' Brian screamed inside his head.  “You’ll make yourself crazy with might have been’s and should be’s.  Fuck Ben and his mind games.”



Brian finished another vodka and thought about leaving.  If he wanted to really put on a show, he should take a trick home with him.  Looking over the possible choices, he didn’t see anyone who really appealed to him.  No one had the right eyes, Justin’s eyes, or the right hair, Justin’s hair.  No one was Justin.  “Fuck it,” Brian said to no one in particular, and he headed out of Babylon.



The drive home was not a happy one.  He kept thinking about Ben’s words, and the hope they implied.  He didn’t want hope.  He wanted to be the heartless, uncaring shit that everyone knew and despised before he met Justin.  He wanted to be who he used to be, or at least who he had pretended to be.  Hope led to longing and pain, and he had had enough of both of those.  With a few short sentences Ben had cancelled all of his hard work trying to get his life back to normal.  He wasn’t even sure what he thought normal was anymore.  Was normal being without Justin?  Was normal the way he used to be?  He was trying to go back to the way he used to be, but it wasn’t making him happy or giving him any peace.



“Christ, peace and happiness.  I sound like a fucking Christmas card.  What’s happening to me?  And now I’m talking to myself.”



Brian pulled up in front of the loft.  He laid his forehead on the steering wheel and closed his eyes.  He needed to get a grip.  Things were getting out of hand.  Not good for a control freak.  Maybe if he listened to the song, he could calm himself and regain control of his so-called life without Justin.



He climbed the stairs to the loft, taking each step slowly and carefully.  He felt a great weight on his shoulders.  He had to make some big decisions, and for once he was unsure which way to go.



There was one person he had yet to speak to since the “Rage” bash.  He had been avoiding her, fearing that she would see through the facade.  She had a way of doing that, cutting through the crap, often knowing him better than he knew himself.  But now he felt the need to talk to Lindsay, have her point him in the right direction.  It was one o’clock in the morning.  She and Mel and Gus would all be asleep.  He couldn’t call tonight, as much as he wanted to.



He knew it was going to be a long night.  He turned on the song, grabbed a bottle of Beam and crashed on the sofa.  He had a lot of thinking to do before he talked to Lindsay.  Since he doubted that he would get any sleep, he would have hours to contemplate his future.

Going Forward
**************************************



Brian called Lindsay as soon as he thought they would be up.  He needed to talk to her and to hold Gus.  Gus was one good thing he had done, something he hadn’t screwed up, at least not yet.



He had not slept, just dozed on and off.  He had listened to “You Are My Sunshine” every waking moment.  The song had kept him sane, but he was no closer to knowing what to do.  He had run through all of the possibilities that he could think of.



He could go on without Justin and try to recapture his old life, but it didn’t seem to be working very well.  It had taken so much effort and energy to put on that show.  He wasn’t sure how long he could keep it up.  It just wasn’t the same as it used to be.  Justin had somehow changed all that.



He could try to get Justin back.  However, he still felt that he had done the right thing pushing him away.  Neither of them had been happy the last while.  He hadn’t been able to give Justin what he needed, and he wasn’t sure that he ever would be able to.  Getting him back, even if he was able to, wouldn’t solve that basic problem.  Brian had convinced himself that Justin needed to experience more of life, see what was out there, other than Brian.  He didn’t want Justin back, unless Justin was completely sure he wanted to come back.  Fiddle Boy would give him a taste of romance and coupledom.  Justin could decide if that was really what he wanted.  That would never be what he would get with Brian.



He could try to find someone to replace Justin.  Yeah, really likely to happen!  No one could do that.  Justin was irreplaceable, his one chance at love, and that had worked out oh so well.  He wouldn’t try that again.



If he had a gas oven he could put his head in it and turn it on.



What was he going to do?  None of these scenarios offered an answer.  What a fucking mess!



When he arrived at Lindsay’s, Melanie was just driving off to work.  She gave him a perfunctory wave.  He was grateful that Lindsay had sent her off early.  He didn’t think he was up to their usual sparring.  Lindsay opened the front door and handed him Gus who gave him a big hug.



“How ya doing, Sonny Boy?”



“Good,” said Gus.



“You’re getting so big, my little man.”



Gus smiled up at him and then wrapped himself around Brian’s neck.



“He’s getting to be a real handful,” Lindsay said.  “It will soon be the terrible twos.  I can hardly believe that it is almost two years since the night he was born.”



“Yeah.  Two years.”



“Since the night you met Justin too.”



Brian looked at her and then looked away.



“That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it?  To talk about you and Justin.”



“There is no me and Justin.”



“Thanks to you.”



“I had to push him away.  We were miserable.  I couldn’t trust him anymore.  He was lying to me and fucking Fiddle Boy.  How could I let that continue?  I had to do something.”



“Of course, you always control what happens.”



Brian set Gus down and he ran over to his pile of blocks.  He started building a tower.



“Budding architect?” Brian asked.



“Maybe so, but don’t change the subject.  What are you going to do?”



“I wish the fuck I knew.”



“Tell me what you are thinking.”



Brian briefly recounted the four scenarios he had come up with, including the gas oven.



Lindsay admonished him, “Don’t even joke about that.  Besides you wouldn’t even know how to turn an oven on.”



“I could always use a match to read the instructions.”



“Very funny.  Enough of the gallows humor.”



“I really am at a loss, Lindsay.  None of the possible ways to proceed will make things any better.  I’ve tried to go back to tricking and not giving a damn.  The trouble is that I do give a damn, about Justin.  I changed a lot for him, did things I never thought I could do.  Now I can’t go back.  It just won’t work.”



“You’re right.  You can’t go back.  You have to go forward.”



“What does that mean?”



“You have changed things by what you did at Babylon.  You forced Justin to leave with Ethan.  He would never have gone if you hadn’t fucked him by fucking “Rage”!”



“I know. That’s why I did it.  He had to make a choice.  I just made things clearer for him.”



“Is that what you think you did?”



“Well, didn’t I?”



“Brian, for someone so smart, you sure are dumb sometimes.”



“Huh?”



“You didn’t make the choice clearer.  You gave him no choice.  You told him, by your actions, that he was nothing to you.  He had to go with Ethan for his own pride and self-esteem.  At least Ethan wanted him.  You sure didn’t.”



“But if he had stayed with me, we both would have been miserable.”



“Did it ever occur to you that you might be able to talk about it and work it out?”



“Talking is highly overrated.  I know what he wanted me to say, but I just couldn’t.”



“Did you tell him that?”



“No, but he knew.”



“Justin is a very bright boy, but why do you expect him to be able to read your mind?”



“I didn’t, but he always seemed to understand.”



“Justin’s intuitive understanding of you was his greatest asset at first, but then it meant that you didn’t have to communicate, and that became his greatest curse.  Brian, a relationship, and that’s what you had whether you want to admit it or not, is a two way street.  You can’t expect Justin to be the only communicator.  You have a role too.  If you couldn’t say that you love him, maybe you could have told him why it is so hard for you to say those words.  He might have understood that, and you could move forward from there.  More importantly, why not tell him that he had become important to you.  What are you afraid of?”



“That I would lay myself open and then he would leave me.”



“Isn’t that what’s happened anyway?  Maybe if you had laid your feelings out to him, you’d still be together.”



“But he wanted too much.  I couldn’t do it.”



“Then tell him that!  But also let him know that down the road you might be able to give what he wants.  You took all hope away from him.”



“Hope.  I was thinking about hope last night - how it causes pain and longing.”



“Is that what you think hope means?  Brian, it means the chance for something better, the possibility of happiness.”



“I don’t see it that way.”



“Well maybe you need to adjust your view of things.  You know, in all your scenarios, you left out one thing.”



“What’s that?”



“Justin’s choice of what he wants.  You’re still trying to control all of the outcomes.”



“But why would he want to come back after everything that’s happened?”



“He loves you, Brian, with all your faults.”



“Then why is he with Ethan?”



“I told you already.  You gave him no choice.  You made him go.  You are going to have to break another one of your taboos and talk to him about your feelings, if you want him back.”



“Do you think he would come back?  Maybe he’s happy with Ethan.”



“At least Ethan will try to make him happy.  You haven’t even given that a shot yet.”



“I don’t know if I can talk about my feelings.”



“Isn’t that what you have been doing for the last half hour?”



“Yeah, I guess it is.”



“And the sky hasn’t fallen.”



“No, but there goes Gus’ tower.”



The blocks came cascading down around their feet.  Gus squealed with delight and started stacking them again.



“You might learn something from your son,” Lindsay said thoughtfully.



“What?”



“He builds a shaky tower, it falls down, he squeals with joy and starts over again.  Apply that to your relationship with Justin.  Try to rebuild your relationship with a stronger foundation of understanding and communication.  If it starts to fall apart, don’t give up.  Have hope that you can fix it, or that you can always start over if you need to.”



“I’ve been here too long.  This is starting to make sense to me.”



“Really.”



“Yeah, the wisdom of a two year old.”



Brian stood up, grabbed Gus and spun him around up in the air.  The little boy giggled and shrieked.



“Dada, dada,” he yelled.



“I’ve got you, Sonny Boy,” and he squeezed Gus to his heart.



“I bet you didn’t know your mommy was such a philosopher.”



Gus looked at him strangely, not understanding all of the words, but he liked the way Dada’s voice sounded now.  He reached up and gave Brian a big sloppy kiss on his cheek.



Brian’s heart melted.  The steel he had forged there was replaced with love, love for Gus, Lindsay and Justin.



“Thanks, Linds,” he said, and he kissed her cheek.



“Any time, sweetie,” she said, returning his kiss and taking Gus from him.



“That’s twice in two days that I have been called sweetie.  I must be getting soft.  Anyway, I better get to work.  I told Cynthia that I would try to be in by ten.”



“Do you know what you are going to do?”



“Not exactly, but I have a better idea than I did before.  Thanks.”



He felt better than he had in days.  Maybe this was what hope was supposed to be.

A New Definition of Hope

**************************************  



Over the next few weeks Brian resumed his old life.  He went to work every day, ate breakfast at the diner every day with the boys and most nights tricked at Babylon.  Not once did he ever bring up the subject of Justin.  Occasionally someone might mention Justin, but one look at Brian and they would shut up.                                     



Brian gained little bits of information about Justin as time went on.  He learned that Justin and Ethan were together, living in Ethan’s apartment, or Ethan’s shit hole as Brian preferred to think of it.  Justin continued to work at the diner, needing the money, but never taking the breakfast shift when Brian was likely to be there.  Michael and Justin were talking about a second “Rage” issue.  Things had been strained between them, Michael being pissed with Justin for cheating on Brian and Justin blaming Michael for telling Brian about him and Ethan.  They had agreed to put their differences on hold and not discuss Brian.  That way they could try to build on the initial success of “Rage”, since they could both use the money.                                                  

                                                 

Brian had decided that he had been right after all.  He knew that Justin wouldn’t have left him for Ethan, at least he didn’t think so, but he also knew that Justin needed to experience the romance that he thought he wanted.  He should see what life was like with someone else and without Brian.  He believed that forcing Justin to leave was ultimately for the best, even if it hurt like Hell.



He was sure that Justin would tire of Ethan after a while.  He didn’t think they had much in common after their art.  He knew that Justin had a wild streak that he didn’t think Ethan would be able to handle.  Justin liked the clubs, but Ethan had never been there until the “Rage” night, at least to Brian’s knowledge.  Justin was used to the finer things in life, even though they were not something Justin ever demanded, but they were something he was accustomed to.  Brian thought that living in poverty with Ethan would begin to wear thin.  All these things gave Brian hope, by his new definition of that word, that perhaps his Sunshine would return.



After his heart to heart with Lindsay, he had rehashed his options over and over again.  He finally decided that life without Justin wouldn’t cut it.  Fucking total strangers, while often necessary and sometimes exciting had lost some of its former luster.  He wanted something more, something that he had had for a while with Justin.



However, he didn’t want to make Justin come back, although he was pretty sure that he could.  He didn’t want to force him to return, as he had forced him to leave.  This time he wanted it to be Justin’s free choice.



Brian was prepared to make some changes to help this happen.  He had listened to Lindsay’s words of wisdom.  He wanted a fresh start, not a return to the same problems they had had before.



He had begun to develop a plan of action to accomplish his ends.  The first thing he had to do was to re-establish contact with Justin.



He bided his time for two weeks after talking to Lindsay.  He set a few things in motion.  Then it was time to come face to face with Justin.  He hadn’t seen Justin for almost a month and he wasn’t sure how either one of them would react.



He had avoided the diner, except for breakfast when Deb had said that Justin wouldn’t be working, but now it was time.  One night after work he went to the diner to get a turkey sandwich, knowing that Justin would likely be working.  As he walked through the door, he saw Justin behind the counter.  Their eyes locked for a second and he felt his cock twitch.  Then Justin looked away.



'Shit, that kid can still get to me,' he thought.



“Hey,” Brian said nonchalantly.



“Brian,” Justin replied warily.



“Turkey sandwich on whole wheat to go.”



“No mayo.”



“Right.”



“It’s good to see you.  You look great, as always.”



“Thanks.  Are you keeping up with your studies?”



“You don’t have to check that I’m doing my homework anymore, you know.”



“I wasn’t being sarcastic.  I just wondered how things were going.”



“I’m doing fine,” Justin said testily.



Brian thought this reaction was a little harsh for a simple question.  Maybe everything wasn’t so great.



“Wouldn’t want to waste my investment in you.”



“You don’t need to worry.”



“Good.”



“Here’s your sandwich,” Justin said, taking his money.



Brian picked up the sandwich and turned to go.



“Brian.”



“Yeah.”



'I’d like to talk to you about what happened.'  That is what Justin wanted to say, but what came out of his mouth was, “Have a nice evening.”  He knew Brian would have told him there was nothing to talk about, so why bother.



“Count on it,” Brian said.



Brian walked out of the diner.  He rubbed his cock which was uncomfortably hard.  He pitched the sandwich in a nearby trashcan and headed for the alley behind Babylon.  In a few minutes he was in the middle of a blowjob, and as he got his rocks off, he thought about what he wanted to do to Justin and what Justin would do to him with his mouth, his hands, his cock.



Able to think a little more clearly afterwards, he replayed his encounter with Justin.  On the surface they had been civil, no animosity.  But Justin had been testy when asked about his schoolwork.  Was something wrong?  He’d have to look into that.  He had thought Justin was going to ask him something important, when all he had said was that innocuous comment about having a nice evening.  What was that?  Maybe he had been afraid to say anything serious, because the old Brian would have shot him down.  He was going to have to show Justin that he was ready to listen, and yes, ready to talk.  That wouldn’t be easy.



Brian went to Woody’s to see if Michael was there.  He and Ben were seated at a table, having a beer.  Brian got a beer and went over to them.



“Ben,” Brian said, sitting down.



“Brian,” he replied.



“I need to talk to Mikey for a few minutes ... alone.”



Ben gave him a look and took his beer over to the bar.



Getting right to the point, Brian said, “Have you seen Justin lately?”



“What brought this up?  You never mention him.”



“Well, I am now.  Just answer the question.”



“Yeah, I saw him yesterday.  We’ve been trying to come up with a new “Rage” story, but nothing seems to be working.”



“Fuck 'Rage'.  Did Justin say anything about having trouble with his studies?”



“Actually, now that you mention it, he said that he had artist’s block on some major project that is due in a week.  He thought that maybe he had lost his muse, that that was why we couldn’t get any ideas for 'Rage' either.”



“Did he seem down?”



“Sort of.  I think he’s really worried about this project.  Why all this concern all of a sudden?  I thought he was out of your life.”



“Things aren’t always what they seem.”



“What?”



“Never mind.  Thanks for the information.”



Brian got up to leave.



“Brian, what’s going on?”



“Don’t worry.  Tell Ben goodbye.”



Brian walked quickly outside.  His heart and his head were both racing.  He didn’t want Justin to suffer, but if he had lost his muse, that didn’t bode well for a contented relationship with Ethan.  Maybe he could help Justin, and show him the new, improved Brian.



He headed back to the diner.  Justin was just coming out the door, his shift over.



“Meant to be,” Brian said to himself.



“Finished work?” Brian asked.



“Yeah.”  Justin looked startled.  “What are you doing back here?”



“Something you said earlier has been bugging me.”



“What?  ‘Have a nice evening?'  Too sentimental for you?”



“No.  About your schoolwork.  It sounded like you were having trouble.”



“Like you would care!”



“I do.  I have an investment, remember.”  Justin gave him a look, and Brian realized that this was the kind of flip remark that had caused them trouble before.  He started again, “Justin, I do care.  I want you to be successful.”



“I know that.  But why all this concern now?”



“I’ve been doing some serious review of my life and I’m making some changes.”



“Really.  Like what?”



“It’s a work in progress.  I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it yet.  Maybe later.  Right now, what’s going on with you?  Want a ride to Ethan’s while we talk?”



Justin’s jaw dropped.  “Who are you?  Where’s the real Brian Kinney?”



“He’s here somewhere.  Come on.”



They got in the Jeep and Brian started to drive.



“I’ve got this major project due and I’m stuck.  No inspiration.”



“What’s it about?”



“Strength, in any media.”



“Strength, why is that so hard?”



“I don’t want to do all the cliche rocks and steel type things.  I want to take a different approach, but I just don’t know what.”



“Why don’t you do a self-portrait?”



“What?” Justin was astounded.



“You are the strongest person I know.  You survived the bashing, your damaged hand, your dickhead father.  You should be the poster boy for strength.”



“I’m not strong.  I had a lot of people helping me, especially you.”



Brian pulled up in front of Ethan’s building, but Justin made no move to get out.  That was a good sign.



“You may have had a lot of help, but you had the strength and courage to go on, step by baby step, no matter how hard it was.  And look where you are today.  That’s being strong.”



“Thanks.  I never knew you felt that way,” and Justin smiled his old sunshine smile.



Brian felt a constriction around his heart.  He loved that smile.  “I guess there are a lot of things that I didn’t tell you,” he said.



“Well, I’m glad you told me now, because you’ve given me the idea for my project.”



“A self-portrait?”                                                                                                    



“You’ll have to come to the show to see.  Thursday, in the Fine Arts gallery.”



“You sure you want me to come?”



“I’m sure.  After all, you are the inspiration.”



“All right then.  It’s a date.”



“A date?  Brian Kinney doesn’t do dates,” Justin teased.



“I told you I’ve been making some changes.”



“I guess you really have.  Thanks for the ride.  See you Thursday night.”



As Justin walked away, Brian backed the Jeep up and watched him go into the building.  'That went well,' he thought.  'Maybe I really can do this.'



Brian pushed the play button on his CD player.  “You Are My Sunshine” started up.  He couldn’t stop smiling all the way home.

Comparisons

 **************************************



Brian decided to lay low until Thursday night.  He could hardly wait, but no one would know that by looking at him.  The Kinney nonchalance would be all that they would see.  But Brian knew that Thursday was significant.  Justin had specifically asked him to come to the art show.  Ethan would probably be there, and that would be interesting, and painful.  He wanted to see them together.  That would tell him a lot.



Brian was proud that he had been able to help Justin break his artist’s block.  He wanted to see his work.  He wondered if it would be the self-portrait that he had suggested.



By Wednesday night he was getting antsy.  He had stayed away from the diner, not wanting to see Justin before the art show.  He thought maybe if he went to Babylon and spent a little time with the boys, he could get his mind off Justin and what was going to happen Thursday night.



Brian found Ted and Emmett near the bar.  He got a beer and walked over to them.



“...so I wonder what they’ll do?” Emmett was saying.



“Get a new character,” Ted replied.



“Very funny,” Emmett said, noticing Brian.



“Who needs a new character?” Brian asked.



“No one,” Emmett said hastily.



“Michael and Justin,” Ted couldn’t wait to tell Brian.  “They can’t seem to make Rage work anymore.  What a shame!”



“I heard they were stuck,” Brian said.



“Gonna rescue any new bashed twinkies to make a new story for them?” Ted asked.



“What the fuck?  You are on very shaky ground, Ted!” Brian warned.



“Let’s talk about something else,” Emmett interrupted, trying to smooth things over.



“I don’t think I want to talk to either of you.”



Brian headed for the backroom.  He was sorry that he had come to Babylon at all, but he might as well get something out of it.  He found a satisfactory trick and got his cock sucked.  When he returned from the backroom, Ted tried to apologize.  Emmett had apparently reamed him out for being so insensitive.



Brian let Ted swing in the breeze for a bit.  Then he said, “Justin’s bashing is not something to joke about.  Don’t ever do that again.”



“Okay, okay.  I’m sorry.”



“Maybe they should have Rage rescue a middle aged porno king who can’t extract his foot from his mouth.”



“Very droll.”



“Or Rage could save the same fag from his friends who are beating him to death with dildos because he doesn’t know when to shut up.”



“Enough, already. I get the point.”



“Good.”



Ted walked away to be replaced with Emmett.  “He was just trying to be funny.  He didn’t mean anything by it.”



“I know,” said Brian, “but sometimes he goes too far.”



“I heard what you were telling him about Rage rescuing him from a fate worse than death.  Since you are Rage, maybe you should make those suggestions for rescues and adventures to Michael and Justin.  They could use some help.”



“Maybe I will.”



“They sounded really frustrated the last time I talked to them.”



“When was that?”



“Last night, at the apartment.  Justin couldn’t stay too long because he had to finish up some big project he was working on.  He seemed really excited about it.”



“Was he happy with the results?”



“Sure seemed to be.  But they couldn’t get anywhere with “Rage” at all.”



“Too bad.  I may have to help them.  I wouldn’t want my alter ego to be a one hit wonder.”



“Great,” Emmett said, turning back to Ted.



Brian took that as his cue to leave.  He’d had enough of Babylon and its denizens for one night.



**************************************



Thursday evening finally rolled around.  Brian had come home from work, showered and dressed carefully.  He wanted to look perfect.  He chose the golden brown Armani suit that almost matched his eyes.  Underneath he wore a cream cashmere sweater that fit snugly over his lean body.  He was very pleased with the results of his preparations.



At 8:30 he left for PIFA.  The art show started at eight, but he didn’t want to appear too eager.  Image was everything.



When Brian stepped into the gallery, heads turned.  He smiled to himself.  He could still cause a stir.



He glanced around the room, looking for Justin, and Fiddle Boy.  He saw them across the room, talking to what must be another student artist.  They were gesturing to a piece of art and talking in an animated fashion.  Ethan couldn’t take his eyes off Justin.



Just then Justin spotted Brian, and that familiar electric jolt passed between them as their eyes met.  Justin stopped talking, said something to Ethan and the other student, and started toward Brian.



Brian’s heart was thumping in his chest.  He wanted to grab Justin and smother him with kisses.  Then he would fuck his brains out right in the middle of the gallery floor.



“Hey,” he said, being very casual.



“Hey,” Justin replied.  “I’m glad you came.”



“So how did the piece turn out?’



“Want to see?”



“That’s why I’m here.”



“It’s over there,” Justin said, gesturing vaguely to the back of the gallery.  “But look at some of the other artwork on the way.”



“Aren’t you coming with me?”



“No, I want you to find it yourself.  You’ll know it when you see it.  Compare it to the other pieces and tell me what you think of my interpretation.”



“Okay.  I’ll find you when I’m done.”



“Later,” Justin said, and he went back to Ethan.  Brian looked at them carefully.  Ethan looked pissed, but grabbed Justin’s hand possessively.  Justin seemed mildly annoyed and embarrassed.



Brian was rather pleased.  Things were looking up.



He started along the edge of the gallery.  There were paintings of the usual symbols of strength - rocks, the sea.  There were sculptures of a mountainscape and something that looked like an ancient pyramid.  Some abstract canvasses covered with bold colours leapt out at him.  None of these were Justin.  There was a clay figure of a very muscular man with an enormous penis.  He liked that one, but he knew Justin would never have made that.



As he rounded a partition, there it was.  It was a pencil drawing, in the style that Justin used to do.  That pleased Brian, but it was the subject that affected him most.  It was Gus, learning to walk, with a hand on each side holding each of Gus’ hands, and helping him take his baby steps.  The hand holding Gus’ left hand was Brian’s, the cowry shell bracelet clearly visible.  The other hand had no distinguishing mark, but it was not a woman’s hand, so not Lindsay’s.  It had to be Justin’s.  He was so touched he thought he might cry.



He felt Justin behind him and turned around.



“It’s beautiful, Justin,” he said, trying to keep his voice even.



“Do you like it?”



“I can’t think of anything that would be better.  Even the self-portrait that I suggested.”



“I thought that would be a bit conceited.  But when you talked about taking baby steps and having people help you, I got this idea.  I’m really happy with the result.”



“You made the right decision.  It’s great.  How did your hand hold up drawing it?”



“It gets stronger all the time, but it did get pretty cramped by the end of it.  It was worth it though.”



“Sure was.”



Ethan came up behind Justin and put his arms around Justin’s shoulders.  He looked smugly at Brian.



Brian stared at him until Ethan had to look away.  Justin stepped out of his embrace and said to Ethan, “Brian really liked the drawing.”



“Good for him,” Ethan sulked.



“I think your interpretation of strength really hit the mark,” Brian added.



“What do you know about the interpretation of art?” Ethan demanded.



“I see what Justin wanted to say.”



“And what would that be?” Ethan persisted, wanting to make Brian look foolish.



Brian hesitated for a moment, and he could see Ethan start to gloat.



“That strength comes from within, but also from the support of others who help us grow and become stronger.  The little boy represents the fragility of life that, when nurtured, becomes the strength of tomorrow.”



Ethan swallowed a couple of times, not knowing what to say.



Justin beamed his sunshine smile.



“Did I get it right?” Brian asked.



“I couldn’t have said it better myself.”



Ethan glowered at Brian, and Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek, taking his turn to gloat.



“Now that I have helped you get over your artist’s block, I have a few ideas that might help you with “Rage”, if you’re interested in hearing them.”



“That sounds great.”



“Give me a call, if you want to get together.”



“I will.”



Ethan looked like he wanted to puke.  The green-eyed monster was all over his face.



Brian was enjoying this, but he thought that was enough for one night.



“Congratulations, Justin.  Your work is the best.  I better be going.”



Without a word to Ethan, he turned and walked across the gallery.  He could feel most eyes following him, many whisperings about who he was.  He had caused quite a stir, just as he had intended.



Outside, Brian smiled to himself.  That couldn’t have gone better.  Ethan now knew that he was up against some serious competition.  Justin could make his own comparisons, and he was sure that Ethan wasn’t measuring up so well right now.



Brian had loved Justin’s drawing.  Using Gus ensured that, but the fact that it seemed to be him and Justin supporting the boy together gave him inexplicable pleasure.  It reaffirmed the bonds between them.



Again hope rose in his chest.  The new view of life that Lindsay had told him to find was paying off.  He could feel Justin drawing closer.  He smiled and walked to the Jeep.



"I may just get my Sunshine back yet,” he said to himself as he drove off.

Surprises  

 **************************************



The morning after the art show Brian walked into his office building, feeling great.  The first person he ran into was his assistant, Kevin.



“Can I meet with you this morning?” Kevin asked, somewhat apprehensively.



“Sure,” Brian replied.  “Come with me to my office.”



Brian sat down behind his desk, and Kevin shifted from one foot to the other, looking rather miserable.



“Well?” Brian said.



“I...I’ve been trying to finalize the “Glow” cosmetic commercials, but I had a lot of trouble finding the right music.  You know, after that other song.  I think I’ve found something, but you need to approve it.”



Brian smiled, remembering his reaction to the last music Kevin had brought him.  “Let’s hear it.”



Kevin set the small recorder on the desk and pushed the play button.  Brian realized that each of them was holding his breath.  “Walking On Sunshine” began to play.



Brian relaxed and let out a breath.  “I like it.  More sophisticated than the other song.  Bouncy and upbeat.  It fits the image much better.”



Kevin’s relief was evident.  “I’m glad you like it.  So we can go ahead with the campaign?”



“Go for it.  Good work, Kevin.”



“Thanks.”



“And, by the way, I hope I didn’t shake you up too much with my reaction to that other song.”



“You did throw me for a loop.”



“No, I threw the tape recorder, and I don’t think that will happen again, so get this campaign under way.”



“Sure Brian,” and Kevin left, looking very relieved.



That was as close to an apology as he was going to get.  Even the new, improved Brian Kinney thought that ‘sorry’ was largely bullshit.



'When did I become new and improved?' Brian asked himself.  'Since I have hope, and especially since I told Justin I was a work in progress,' he realized.



As Brian was mulling over these thoughts, Cynthia buzzed him.  “There’s a Ted Schmidt here to see you, Brian.”



“Who?”



“Ted Schm...”



“Yeah, yeah, I heard you.  Send him in.”  Brian couldn’t  believe Ted was there.  He had never been to Brian’s office before, even when he had briefly worked there.



Ted opened the office door, and hesitated.



“What do you want?” Brian asked brusquely.



“I thought I needed to clarify a couple of things.”



“Any more stupid comments about twink bashings and I’ll have your nuts in a vise.  Got it?”



“Sure, Brian.  I didn’t come here to make more trouble.”



“Then come in and shut the door,” Brian said.



Ted did so, noticing the “Rage” poster on the wall, as he turned around.



“So that’s what you did with the poster,” Ted observed.



“Yeah.”  Brian’s eyes twinkled, and he thought he would have a little fun at Ted’s expense.  “I needed it to cover up a little spot in the wall.”



“A little spot?” Ted asked.



Brian walked around the desk and pushed “Rage” aside to show the dent in the wall.  “That’s where I shoved the head of the last ignorant dickhead who crossed my path.”



Ted blanched, as Brian repositioned the poster.



“Consider yourself warned,” he said.



Ted gulped and tried to look calm.  Brian knew he wouldn’t hear any more of Ted’s crass comments any time soon.



“So what do you want?” Brian asked again.



“I got thinking about what I said at Babylon, and I want you to know that I am really sorry.”



“You already told me that.”



“But I really mean it.  I thought about Blake and being in a coma myself.  That’s not funny, and I shouldn’t have made light of it.  Sometimes I just say things without thinking them through.  I like Justin and I wouldn’t want bad things to happen to him or anyone else.”



Brian was tempted to say something about comas improving Ted’s faltering grip on reality, but he reminded himself that he was trying to be a better person.  All he said was, “Agreed. There’s no more need to say anything about it.”



“Thanks,” said Ted, looking somewhat shocked, but definitely relieved.  “I thought you’d be a lot tougher on me.”



“Well, I could chew you a new asshole or we could try for another dent in the wall over there,” said Brian, sarcastically, but without malice.



“No thanks.  I think I’ll quit while I’m ahead.”



“It’s been lovely, Ted, but I do have work to do.”



“I can take a hint,” and Ted got up to leave.  “Are things okay between us?”



“As much as they can be between a brilliant young ad exec and a doddering member of the geriatric set.”



“Things must be back to normal, now that you’re insulting me about my age.”



“You got it.”



Ted opened the door, and said, "Thanks, Brian,” as he left.



Brian smiled.  Ted had a good heart, even if he couldn’t control his mouth.  He was glad he hadn’t given him too hard a time.



What other surprises did this day have in store for him?



 **************************************



Cynthia buzzed him about 10:30 to say that Michael was on the line.  Brian said to put the call through.



“Hey, Mikey.”



“Hey.  I was just talking to Justin and he said you had some ideas for the next 'Rage' comic.”



“Yeah.  I told him I’d help, if you guys wanted me to.”



“Well, we do.  We’re getting desperate.  Nothing seems to work.”



“Why don’t you swing by the loft about eight tonight, and bring Justin with you.”



“He thought you might suggest that, but he’d rather meet at my place. More neutral.”



“Sure, if that is what will work best.”



“Great.  Justin said to tell you he was glad that you came to his show and that you liked his project.”



“He could have told me that himself,” Brian stated, rather disappointed at the secondhand compliment.  He had hoped to hear from Justin directly.



“He still feels pretty awkward around you, but he does really appreciate how you helped him.”



“Great.  See you at eight.”



Brian hung up.  He was annoyed that Justin hadn’t called him.  He had thrown out the idea of helping them to have more contact with Justin, and he had gotten Michael instead.  'Oh well,' he thought, 'I do want to help them both, and I will get to spend some time with Justin tonight.  I’ll just have to make the most of it.'



 **************************************



A little after 8 pm he pulled up in front of Michael’s building.  He wondered how things would play out tonight.  He did have some ideas about “Rage”, but his real purpose was to reestablish ties with Justin.  He hoped he would be able to talk to him alone for a while.



When Michael answered the door, Brian saw that Justin was already there, and Emmett was nowhere in sight.



“Hey,” he said to Justin.



“Thanks for offering to help,” Justin replied.



“What seems to be the problem?”



“We can’t find a good, relevant story line for the next issue,” said Justin.  “Whatever we’ve tried seems kinda lame.”



What have you tried?”



“We had Rage rescuing a couple of gay friends being harassed by homophobic bullies, but it seemed too much like the first issue.”



“I wanted Rage to rescue a young, gay car thief from homophobic cops,” Michael said, “but Justin thought that might be giving mixed messages.”



“I see,” said Brian.  “I don’t like either idea.  I see why you’re having trouble.  The first idea is like Issue #1 and the other idea isn’t really something you are familiar with.  I think the best route to take is to write about something you are familiar with, like you did with Justin’s bashing.”



“But what?” Michael asked.



“What about a homophobic father who kicks his gay son out and attacks the boy’s lover?”



Justin’s eyes widened.  “Make it about my dad?  I don’t know, Brian.”



“It could be an entertaining story.  I know I was sure riveted by it,” Brian quipped.  “Besides, it might teach people like your father that there are consequences to their behavior.  Rage could turn his attitude around or he could just make him self-combust.  Whichever way you want to go.”



“I like it.  Some ideas are coming to me already.  What do you think, Justin?”



“Yeah, I guess it could work, but my father would be really pissed if he found out.”



“He’s already pissed with you.  Do you think it’s likely that he will read a gay comic book, even if his son did create it?  Besides, it could teach him something too.”



“It is a good idea, and I guess I need to stop worrying about what my father thinks,” Justin said.



“So, is my superhero work done here?” Brian wanted to know.  “Any more floundering artistic types who need my expertise?”



“We’ll let you know,” Michael said.



“Want a ride home, Justin.  I’m going to go, Mikey.”



“Thanks, Brian, I think I can take the story from here,” Michael said.



“I could use a ride to PIFA, if you don’t mind, Brian.  I have a new piece I’m working on.  Since you got me started again, I have tons of ideas.”



“Sure.  Come on.  Talk to you tomorrow, Mikey.”



Brian and Justin walked out to the Jeep.  Brian had so many things he wanted to say and to do to Justin.  The urge to throw him down on the front steps of the building and ravish him was almost more than he could bear.



He also wanted to find out more about Justin and Ethan’s relationship, but he couldn’t figure out how to broach the subject.



They rode in silence for awhile.



“Why are you helping me and being so nice to me, Brian?”



Here was the opening.  Now could he do it?  Could he actually start to tell Justin how he felt?  This was the moment of truth.  He felt fear grip his gut.  What if he told him how he felt and Justin still went back to Ethan?  What if he said the wrong thing and scared Justin off?



“Brian?”  He heard Justin repeat his name.



“I told you I was trying to make some changes.  One of them is to be nicer to people.”



“Nicer?  You aren’t serious, are you?  I can’t picture you doing nice.”



“What do you mean?  You just asked me why I was being nice to you.”



“I know, but that was nice to me, after what I did to you.  I can’t see you making nice with Mel and Ted and strangers.”



Brian was getting ticked off.  Justin was making fun of his changes, and even sounded like he didn’t believe that Brian could be nice.



“I’m not a monster, you know.”



“I never said that, but there are people who would put you in that category.”



“Well, fuck them!” Brian said, really irritated now.



“I didn’t mean to make you mad.  I’m glad you’re trying to change some things.”



“You just don’t believe I can.  Well, fuck you too!  Here’s the entrance to PIFA.  Get out and walk the rest of the way.”



“Brian, I ...”



“Out!  Damn it!”



Justin opened the door, and his feet had barely hit the ground when Brian peeled away, the door swinging back and forth.



The Jeep screeched to a halt up the street, and Justin heard the door slam shut.  Brian pulled away with squealing tires.



“Fuck,” said Justin, wondering what just happened.



“Fuck,” said Brian, wondering what just happened.

Never Too Late

   **************************************



Brian woke with sunlight in his eyes and an ache in his head.



“Shit,” he mumbled, looking at the clock - 8 am.



He turned over to find a body lying in the bed.



“Who the fuck are you?” Brian said to the man.



“Greg.  We fucked last night.”



“Why are you still here?”



“You fell asleep, and then so did I.”



“Time for you to go.”



“Want a little morning action first?”



“Out!”



“Fuck you.”  Greg got up, gathered his clothes and marched out.



Brian had no memory of finding Greg or fucking him.  He did remember taking some drugs from someone at Babylon - not his usual supplier.  He had broken one of his rules and his head was paying for it.



What had happened?  He tried to piece together the events of last night.  Justin!  Fuck!



Laughing at him, not believing that he wanted to change, not believing that he could change, saying he was a monster.



How could he have been so stupid?  How could he think that a new and improved Brian Kinney could get Justin back?  He was still the same fuck-up that had caused this mess in the first place.  Fuck Lindsay and her advice!



Brian reached into the drawer beside the bed.  God, his head hurt.  He pulled out a small jewelry box and opened it.  “Pathetic,” he said, and snapped it closed.  He was such a fool!  He threw the box back in the drawer and slammed it shut.



The pain in his head told him there would be no more sleep on this fine Saturday morning.  Maybe some further medication might help.  He rummaged in his stash and found a likely looking package.  He dry swallowed a couple of pills, and then stumbled to the kitchen for a chaser.  He grabbed a bottle of vodka and downed a good slug.



So much for changing!” he groaned, collapsing on the couch.



He thought about playing “You Are My Sunshine”.  It had helped him so much in the past, but something held him back.  He didn’t think he could bear to listen to it.  It had been the source of his hope and it had grounded him during some of the worst times.   Now that was all destroyed.  He would never get his Sunshine back.



He had ruined it all, just like he feared he would.  That was why he never told his feelings, because he knew instinctively that they would be used against him.  He had broken that rule too.  A few comments about trying to improve himself, about trying to be nicer to people, and he was shot down in flames.  Justin pissed in his face, just like he had pissed on Rage.  The one person he wanted to understand him had proved all his old fears to be true.  Justin didn’t understand, nobody did.



He was back to where he had been the night Justin left Babylon with Ethan.  This was even worse.  Now he had no hope.  That had been knocked out of him last night.  All of his plans and efforts were destroyed by Justin and his laughter.



“Fuck him!  What am I going to do?”



Like an answer to that question, he heard the buzzer.  Someone wanted in.  He decided to ignore it, but the person simply leaned on it.  He thought he would scream if he didn’t stop that persistent sound reverberating in his aching head.



He stumbled over to the door, pushed the button and said, “Fuck off!”  The buzzing stopped, but as he turned away, it started again.



Exasperated, he pushed the button and yelled, “What the fuck do you want?” enunciating each word with all the venom he could muster.



“Let me in, asshole!” he heard Debbie say.



“Fuck!” Brian said.  He contemplated just leaving her down there, but he knew how persistent she could be.  The buzzer would have to short out before she would quit.



He pushed the release button to let her in.  He knew he was going to hate every minute of this.



When he slid the door back, Debbie stood there, hands on hips, looking daggers at him.



“Are you coming in?” Brian asked.



“You bet your ass I am.”



“What’s set you off this fine morning?”



“You.”



“Me?  What have I done now?”



“Justin came in for work this morning, looking like shit.  He said you almost knocked him over with the Jeep last night.”



“What?”



“He said you kicked him out of the car and drove off before he could step away.”



“I didn’t hurt him,” Brian said defensively.



“Not physically, but you sure shook him up.”



“So!  I had my reasons.”



“What reasons?”



“Frankly, Deb, that’s none of your business.”



“Oh, yes it is.  Anything that affects my boys is my business.  I was so pissed with both you and Justin after the “Rage” party.  I didn’t know which one of you to be more mad at - Justin for doing what he did with Ethan or you for being an insensitive bastard and pushing him away.”



“How do you know what went on?”



“Justin talks to me, which is more than I can say for you.”



“So he sent you here to fight his battles for him.”



“No, he didn’t want me to come.”



“Then why are you here?”



“He’s very upset.  He thought you were starting to get along again.  He hoped things were improving.”



“Well, so did I, but it just goes to show you how we all delude ourselves.”



“What happened last night?”



“Didn’t he tell you?”



“He said you were talking about changing and improving, and then you just went ballistic all of a sudden.”



“Did he say why that happened?”



“He just said he had joked about you trying to be nice and that set you off.”



“Is that how he saw it?”



“Well, what’s your version?”



“It doesn’t matter.”



“What do you mean, it doesn’t matter?”



“I mean that it’s not important.  It’s over and done with.”



“Look, asshole, from the shape you’re in right now and from the shape I left Justin in, it obviously does matter - to both of you.  So spill it.”



“He doesn’t believe I can change, so what’s the use?”



“How do you know that?”



“He said so.”



“That’s not what he told me.”



“He didn’t want to appear to be the insensitive one.  That’s my role.”



“I can’t believe he would say that.”



“Well that’s what he meant.”



“Kiddo, you may have read more into it than was there.  He said he was joking.”



“And I was trying to tell him something.”



“What?’



“I don’t want to get into this with you.”



“Stop fighting me on this.  You’re both miserable over what happened.”



“Why should he be miserable?”



“He still cares about you.”



“It’s time he stopped.  We just hurt each other.”



“It didn’t used to be that way.”



“Well, that’s the way it is now.”



“Justin said that you two are so out of sync.  I see what he means.  When he jokes, you want to be serious.  When he wants to talk, you take off.  You’re just not on the same wavelength.”



“What a revelation, Deb!  Why do you think we’re in this fucking mess?



“Something needs to change.”



“That’s what I was trying to do, but no more.”



“Look, I know it might seem hopeless, but I saw how upset Justin was.  I’m sure he still loves you.  He thought you two were getting closer, and then it all fell apart.  I think he would like to get back in sync with you again.”



“Too late!  He has Ethan and I have some serious drinking to do.”



“Brian, don’t do this. Don’t shut down.”



“As I said, ‘Too late!’  Are you finished yet, because I know I am?”



“Justin still cares and you wouldn’t be acting like this if you didn’t care too.”



“Did it ever occur to you that you could be wrong?  That I could be glad that this is over?”



“Yeah, right.  I can tell you’re glad by the blurry look in your eyes and your dependence on that bottle in your hand.”



“It’s about time you interpreted the signs correctly,” Brian sneered sarcastically.



“Stop being such a prick.”



“That’s my best feature.”



“I give up. You’re impossible.”



“You mean I win.  You’ll actually leave now.”



“I’m going, but this isn’t finished.”



“Yes it is.”



“We’ll see about that.”



“Deb, give it a rest.  It’s too late.”



“It’s never too late,” Debbie said, as Brian closed the door behind her.



'That was just the way I wanted to spend my morning,' Brian thought.  'God, Deb is like a bulldog.  Tenacious doesn’t begin to describe her.  But she’s wrong this time.'



“I need another hit,” he said to the empty loft.  He went over to his stash and took another couple of pills, washed down with the ever present vodka bottle in his hand.



He stumbled a bit as he went over to the stereo and started to play “You Are My Sunshine”.



“Why do I want to hear this now,” he wondered.



Debbie had triggered something.  Maybe Justin did still care.  Maybe he had read him wrong in the Jeep.  Maybe there was a grain of hope left in Pandora’s Box.  He was too wasted to really know, but he felt less desperate, and he let the soothing sounds of the song wash over him.

Communication

**************************************  



Saturday was the beginning of Brian’s lost weekend.  He drank and drugged his way into Sunday, rarely leaving the couch, and playing his song over and over.  He felt like shit and probably looked like it too.



He was glad that he had no more visitors, especially Deb.  He didn’t think he could go another round with her.



Justin apparently didn’t think he had done anything wrong.  He thought Brian had gone off the deep end for no reason.  Fucking hilarious!  As usual it was Brian’s fault.  Why did no one ever take responsibility for precipitating bad events?  Just blame Brian.



Shit!  He must be sobering up.  He wasn’t usually a melancholy drunk.  Why the fuck should he want the world to feel sorry for him?  Poor Brian, what a joke!



“Justin and Ethan deserve each other,” he decided.  “They’re both two-faced, fucking around behind my back.  I thought Justin was better than that, but obviously he has sunk to Ethan’s level.”



Brian knew he had to stop thinking about Justin, and especially about Justin and Ethan.  He went over to the computer and logged on.  He checked his favorite porn site and started some semi-interesting cyber sex.  As he jerked off, he thought about finding a trick and inviting him over.  It would get him through the rest of the day.



In the chat room he found a likely prospect, one so-called Dick Dingly.  That ought to be good for a laugh.  He sent him an e-mail requesting that they get together, and the phone rang almost immediately.  He gave Dick instructions to his place and went to clean up a bit while he waited for Dick to arrive.



When the buzzer announced the trick’s arrival, he told him to come up and opened the door to the loft.  As the elevator came into view, he saw the top of a blond head, and for a split second he thought it was Justin.  A young blond man in his early twenties stepped out.  He wasn’t Justin, but he was no slouch in the looks department.  Brian was sure he and Dick could make the most of a long afternoon.



He pulled Dick into the loft and started tearing off his clothes.  Brian’s cock was hard and he was sick of thinking about Justin and about how fucked up his life was.  He dragged Dick up to the bedroom and threw him naked on the bed.  He was going to fuck this guy senseless.



Brian got rid of his own clothes, and Dick immediately attacked Brian’s cock.  Sucking, licking, squeezing, deep throating.  This guy was good.  Brian felt his orgasm approaching.



“Easy,” he said.  “I don’t want to come yet.  I’m going to fuck you till your eyes roll back in your head.”



“Be my guest,” said Dick, and he climbed on the bed, presenting his ass for Brian’s approval.



“Nice,” said Brian.  'But not as nice as...' he started to think.  “Stop it,” he said aloud.



“Stop what?” Dick asked.



“Uh, nothing.  Where was I?" and Brian attacked.



He squirted lube on Dick’s willing hole and plunged one finger in.  Dick grunted his approval and Brian added a second finger, scissoring in and out.  Dick gasped with pleasure.  Brian loved that sound.



“Ready?” he asked.



“God, yes.  Fuck me!” Dick begged.



Brian plunged in with one swift thrust.  It felt so good, trapped in that tight passage.  He hadn’t done this nearly enough lately.  He started pounding relentlessly into that warm, sweet hole, his balls bouncing against Dick’s tight ass with each stroke.  Again and again he pounded into the man.  He couldn’t get enough.



He adjusted the angle of assault, pushing Dick’s head into the mattress, so that he hit the man’s prostate with each thrust.  Dick cried out in ecstasy.  “Oh my God!  Fuck me!  Fuck me hard!” and he rocked back into each of Brian’s thrusts.



Brian had rarely had a partner so eager to match him stroke for stroke, except for Justin.  'Don’t think about that now,' he ordered himself.



Brian renewed his assault.  He slammed into Dick until he thought his cock might fall off.  He was in a frenzy, a goddamn fucking machine.  Dick moaned and begged beneath him.  Finally he felt himself nearing orgasm.  He reached under Dick, grabbing and pulling his cock.  As Dick moaned and started to spew cum over his chest, his hole constricted around Brian’s penis, and with a yell of release, Brian shot his load with such intensity he almost blacked out.  He collapsed on top of Dick, both of them covered in sweat and cum.



“Fucking fantastic!” Dick gasped.



“Yeah, it was,” Brian replied, rolling off the man and disposing of the condom.



When they had gained a little more of their senses, Brian took another look at Dick.  He did look a bit like Justin, and he had just performed a lot like Justin.



'Why do I keep thinking like this?' Brian wondered.  “Time for you to go,” he said aloud to Dick.



“I’m not sure I can walk.”



“Just give it a try.  It’s like riding a bike.  It’ll come back to you.”



“That was fabulous!  You have my number, if you want to hook up again,” Dick said hopefully, as he pulled on his clothes.



“Sure,” said Brian, giving his usual response that meant nothing.  He would never see him again, unless this one was different.  Justin had been different and look what that led to.



“Give me a call, anytime,” Dick said, as he left the loft.



Brian pulled the door closed behind him.  He felt more relaxed than he had in weeks.  Dick had been great, the best he’d had in a long time.  Then why was he still thinking about Justin?  Why did he wish it had been Justin that he just fucked?  He must be one sick puppy, thinking about Justin when he had just had one phenomenal fuck.  But with Justin there was always something more, something beyond just fucking...  Was that what love was?



**************************************



Monday morning came all too soon.  Work was the usual shit, nothing special.  He didn’t even have any interesting visitors, like Ted.  When did Ted become interesting?  Christ, his life was really fucked up when a visit from Ted was something to look forward to.



He headed for Woody’s after work.  He saw Ted, Emmett and Michael sitting at the bar.  No Ben.  That was good.  He didn’t want to see him, anymore that he wanted to see Debbie again.



He ordered a beer, and heard Emmett playing his game of ‘Who Would You Fuck?’ Emmett was asking Michael, “From the Newhart show, George or Michael?”



“All Michael’s are cute, but I hear George is good with tools.  So, George,” Michael said with an evil twinkle in his eye.



“Wanna play, Brian?” Emmett asked.



“All right,” Brian said, humoring him.



“From the Addams Family, Gomez or Lurch?”



“Gomez was kind of kinky, but I bet Lurch was well equipped.  So, Lurch.”  Ted snorted.  “How come I get the ghoul family and Michael gets Newhart?” Brian asked.



“Seemed appropriate,” said Emmett.



“Why?”



“I hear you’ve been running people over with the Jeep.  Kind of ghoulish.”



“Jesus, does the whole world know about that?  Can’t Justin keep his fucking mouth shut?”



“I heard it from Michael who heard it from Deb,” Emmett clarified.



“I didn’t try to run him over.  I never touched him.”



“So are you going to apologize for scaring him?” Michael asked.



Brian gave him a withering look.  “You know I don’t do apologies.  Besides I have nothing to apologize for.  He should be apologizing to me.”



“I saw him yesterday, Brian. He’s really upset about what happened.  I think he’s having trouble with Ethan too.  He said Ethan wanted to punch you out, when he told him what happened.  But when Justin tried to calm him down, he got really defensive about why Justin was trying to protect you, and why Justin was with you in the first place.”  Michael concluded his analysis of the situation.



“Why doesn’t everybody just keep their noses out of this?  Ethan is Justin’s problem, and neither of them is my problem.”



“We care about you and Justin, sweetie,” Emmett said.  “We want things to work out for the best.”



“What about you, Ted?  Don’t you have some sage advice for me too?” Brian asked sarcastically.



“No way.  I’ve learned my lesson.  I’ll keep my opinions to myself,” Ted said.



“Smart man,” Brian added.



“Ben says you and Justin should talk,” Michael stated.



“Ben says?”  Brian was getting ticked.



“Yeah.  He thinks...”



“I don’t give a flying fuck what Ben thinks!  Or any of the rest of you, either.  Stay out of my business!”



Brian slammed the beer bottle down on the bar.  He heard Michael call his name, but he kept going, and no one followed him outside.



He would put a stop to this right now.  He pulled out his cell phone, and hit Justin’s number.  It rang twice, before Justin said, “Hello.”



Brian gritted his teeth and said, “We need to talk.”



“I’m not sure that’s a good idea, the way you sound.”



“Where are you?”



“In the studio at PIFA.”



“Meet me outside in ten minutes.”



“Brian, I...”



Brian hung up.  “He better be waiting when I get there,” Brian thought.  “Otherwise, I’ll go in and drag him out in front of everybody.”  Brian was seething.



When the Jeep pulled up in front of the studio building a few minutes later, Justin was standing on the steps.  He looked apprehensive, and walked rather slowly over to the Jeep.



“Get in,” Brian said, opening the door.



“I’m not sure I want to go anywhere with you,” Justin said.



“I said ‘Get in!’  Now!"



Justin obeyed, hardly glancing at Brian.  He shrunk back against the door, staying as far away from Brian as possible.



'He’s afraid of me,' Brian thought.  'How did it get to this point?  Am I really a monster?'



They drove in silence, Brian thinking about Justin’s reaction to him, and Justin wondering what Brian was going to do to him.



Finally Justin couldn’t stand it anymore, and he asked, “Where are we going?”



“We’re here,” said Brian, pulling the Jeep over to the shoulder of the road.  They were near the river.



“Where’s here?” Justin asked, looking around.



“Come with me,” Brian ordered.



He got out of the Jeep.  Justin decided to follow him.  He seemed to be a little calmer.



They walked down the slope to a park bench.  Brian sat down on it, looking out over the river.  Justin sat down beside him, but as far away as the bench would allow.



“I’m not going to hurt you,” Brian said.



“I guess I know that, but you scared the shit out of me the other night.”



“I didn’t mean to make you think that I’d run you over.  I just had to get away from you as fast as I could.”



“Why?  What did I do?”



“You made me so angry, I was afraid I’d strangle you, if I didn’t get away from you.”



“But what did I do?  We were just joking around.”



“I wasn’t joking.”



“But you were talking about being nice to people, and I thought you were kidding.”



“Well, I wasn’t kidding.  I was trying to be nice, until you laughed at me and said I couldn’t change.  Then I wanted to break you and everyone else into little pieces.”



“Brian, I didn’t say you couldn’t change.  You just interpreted it that way, and then you kicked me out before I could explain.”



“So explain now.”



“As I said, I thought you were kidding at first.  Then when you got mad, I realized you were serious.  You have helped me and Michael a lot, and maybe other people that I don’t know about.  But before I could say anything, you kicked me out of the Jeep and almost knocked me down.”



“I’m sorry about that.  I just wanted to get away from you.  Why did you have to tell everyone that I tried to kill you?”



“I never said that.  I told Debbie what happened.  I was upset, and she got very angry, and went to see you.  I couldn’t stop her.”



“Nobody can.”



“That’s for sure,” and Justin chuckled.



“She sure tore a strip off me, and I was in no condition to defend myself.”



“Liquor or drugs?”



“Both.”



“Ooh,” Justin commiserated.



“I want this to stop now.  No more stories about me running you down with the Jeep.  Okay?”



“I only told Debbie, but I’ll try to put a stop to it.  Sometimes these things take on a life of their own.”



“Tell me about it,” Brian grimaced.



“How did everything become such a mess?” Justin asked.



“I keep asking myself the same question.  Debbie told me that you said we were out of sync.  I think you’re right, but I don’t know how it happened or what to do about it.”



“I used to know what you were thinking and what mood you were in.  I was so in tune with you.”



“When did that stop?”



Justin thought for a moment, and his face looked very sad.  “I think it was after the Sap.  He took something away from me.  I’d never sold myself like that.  I felt so cheap and dirty, and I couldn’t talk to you about it.  You had tried to warn me and I wouldn’t listen.  But after that, nothing seemed to be the same.  I lost that clear link that I used to have with you.  Did you feel the difference?”



“Yeah.  It was the first time you really lied to me, about how you got the job, and what you refused to say about the party.  I had a pretty good idea of what went on.  I’ve known and despised Gary for a long time.”



“Why didn’t you make me stop, if you knew?”



“Justin, it’s your life.  You have to make your own choices.  I’m not going to force you to do anything you don’t want to do.”



“Then why did you force me to go with Ethan, just like you forced Michael to go with David?”



Brian’s jaw dropped.  This kid was too smart for his own good.  “If you knew that’s what I was doing, then why did you go if you didn’t want to?”



“I thought you wanted to get rid of me.  I felt so guilty, and Ethan was there.  What else could I do?”



“Lindsay said I didn’t give you a choice.  I thought I was making your choice clearer, that Ethan was what you wanted.”



“Brian, you’re what I want.  I’ve been with Ethan because he’s kind and I like him, but he’s not you.  No one could ever replace you.  You spoiled me for anyone else that first night we were together.”



“If that’s true, how did it all get so fucked up?”



“If you had talked to me back then like you’re talking to me now, none of this would ever have happened.  There’s only so much un-communication that I can deal with, before it starts to become mis-communication.”



“Lindsay said I was relying on you to read my mind.  That I needed to hold up my end of the communication line.”



“Smart woman.”



“So where do we go from here?”



“I need to talk to Ethan, and then I think I should move into Deb’s or the dorm.  We have some things to work out before we jump back into anything.  That is if you want me back.”



“Yes, I do.  I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out what to do.”



“There, you said it. That wasn’t so awful, was it?”



“I guess not, but there are still some things that you want me to say that I’m not ready to say.  Can you live with that?”



“As long as I know that you want me, and you are willing to talk to me like this, I think we can work it out.”



“Good.  Now come over here.”



Justin slid closer and Brian grabbed him, pulling him to his chest and smothering his face with kisses.  Tongues dueled, spit changed mouths, lips swelled from the pressure.  Their heads reeled from the delicious sensation of being together again.  Brian reached for Justin’s crotch, and he felt the boy pull back.



“What’s wrong?” Brian asked, breathlessly.



“Let’s not do that yet.  Sex has never been the problem between us.”



“A problem?”  Brian looked at him in disbelief.



“All right, sex is fabulous, but it muddies the waters.  We have other things to work out and get straightened out before we do that.”



“But I want you so bad!”



“And I want you, but we have to be practical.”



“Fuck practical,” Brian groaned.



“I have to see Ethan.  I’m not going to cheat on him too.”  Brian looked annoyed.  “I have to end if first,” Justin affirmed.  “I do have some scruples.”



“All right, but can I kiss you some more?”



“Uh huh,” Justin smiled, and Brian was all over him.



After a much too short eternity of passionate kissing and making out, Justin sat up and said, “Brian, we have to stop or my good intentions will be lost.”



“Good,” said Brian, continuing to kiss his neck.



“Brian, stop,” Justin begged.  “Please.”



“Oh, all right, but you’re killing me!  It’s been so long and I’ve missed you so much.”



“Right thing to say!” Justin said.



“You mean I’m starting to get the hang of this communication thing?” Brian teased.



“You get a gold star for tonight’s efforts,” Justin told him.



Brian smiled and put his arm around Justin’s shoulder.  He wished his cock didn’t hurt so much, but he would try to ignore it.  They looked out at the lights reflected in the water.



“This place is beautiful and peaceful.  Why did you bring me here tonight?” Justin wanted to know.



“I was just going to drive around and yell at you for telling everyone that I tried to run you down.”



“So why didn’t you?”



“I saw how frightened you were of me.  I don’t want you ever to be afraid of me.  I wouldn’t hurt you like that, and if I hurt you in other, less tangible ways, it won’t be intentional.”



“I understand, and I believe you.  But you still haven’t told me why we’re here.  How do you know this place?”



“Only Michael and I know about it, until, now you do too.  This is where I used to come when my father was drunk and the house was unbearable.  When I need to be alone and think, this is where I come.  I decided to share that with you tonight.”



“Thanks, Brian. That means a lot to me.”



“If we have troubles, and you can’t find me, this is probably where I’ll be.”



“That’s good to know.”



“Do you think there’s hope for me, for us?”



“You better believe it.  I haven’t been this happy in months.”



“Me either,” Brian conceded.  “Now if you’d just let me fuck you.”



“Later,” Justin teased.



“Later,” Brian agreed.  “Do you want me to take you to Ethan’s so you can deal with that?”



“I guess so.  I’m not looking forward to hurting him.  He really doesn’t deserve this, even though things haven’t been going very well.  I think he knows I still want you.”



“Let’s go.  The sooner you get this over with, the sooner we can get on to bigger and better things.”



They walked up the bank together, arms around each other’s waist.

A Work in Progress

**************************************    



Brian paced the loft.  He had waited for almost three hours to hear from Justin, but not a word.  He had dropped Justin off in front of Ethan’s building around 10 pm.  It was now almost 1 am.  He should have heard from Justin by now.



He had wanted to stay, to wait while Justin told Ethan that it was over.  Justin had sent him away, saying he didn’t know how long it would take, and he didn’t want Brian to have to wait in the Jeep.  'Probably thought that I would burst in on them, and I would have long before now,' Brian thought.  Justin had promised to call when it was done, but he hadn’t so far.  'Could they still be talking?  Had Justin changed his mind?  Had Ethan done something to him?  Surely not, but why hasn’t he called?' Brian wondered.



Brian had downed half a bottle of Beam while he waited, but it hadn’t helped much.  He didn’t want to get too drunk in case Justin needed him, but he had to take the edge off or he was going to go crazy.



Finally the phone rang.  Brian grabbed it and said, “Justin?”



“Yeah.  It’s me,” was the reply.



“Thank God.  I’ve been going crazy.  Where are you?  Are you all right?”



“I’m at Deb’s, in my old room.  I got here a little while ago.  Of course, she made me eat something and tell her what’s going on.  I kept it to a minimum.  Nothing about you and me, just that Ethan and I are through.  Finally she let me go to bed, so I could call you.”



“Do you want me to come and get you?”



“I want that so bad, but not yet.  We still haven’t sorted everything out.”



“But you’re done with Ethan?”



“Yeah.  It’s finished.”



“How did it go?  Are you all right?”



”It was pretty awful.  I think he knew it was coming, but that didn’t make it any easier.  He said some awful things.”



"Like what?”



“That I used him.  That I never cared for him.  That I was a selfish prick.”



“That one’s usually reserved for me.”



“I know.”  Justin had to chuckle, even though he felt miserable about what had happened with Ethan.  “I guess I deserved it, but it hurt to hear him say those things.  I never set out to hurt him, and I do care about him.  I just never loved him the way I love you.”



Brian sighed.  He knew that Justin wanted him to say that he loved him back, but he couldn’t.  It would make Justin feel better, but he couldn’t.  He wasn’t ready, but he remembered Lindsay’s words about telling Justin what he was thinking and feeling.  He had to try.



“Justin, I can’t say those words yet, but I’m glad you’re okay and back in my life.”



“Me too,” said Justin.  “Will you meet me after work?  We still have a lot to talk about.”



“Want to go to dinner at the Thai restaurant?”



“Like a date?”



Brian rolled his eyes.



“I know you’re rolling your eyes,” Justin said.



Brian laughed.  “You’re right.  Do you think we’re back in sync?”



“Getting there.”  Justin smiled.



“I’ll pick you up in front of your studio building at six.”



“It’s a date,” Justin insisted.



“It’s a date,” said Brian, giving in.  “God, I’m horny.  I don’t know how I’ll ever get any sleep tonight.”



“Maybe I can help you with that, and you could help me in return.”



“It would be much simpler if I just came and got you.”



“Briiaann,” Justin whined.



“Oh, all right.  Are you in bed?”



“Give me a minute.  You get naked too.”



“I am.”



“Saucy bastard.  What were you planning to do?” Justin wanted to know.



“I have some secrets even you don’t know about.”



“You’ll have to show me some day.”



“Only if you’re a really, really bad boy.”



“I can do that.”



“I know you can.”



“What are you doing right now?” Justin asked.



“Lying on the bed, playing with my dick, and wanting you to suck it like only you can.”



“You have such a way with words, Mr. Kinney.  Flattery will get you, and me, a hard on.”



“I’ve already got one.”



“Me too.”



“What are you going to do with it?”



“Right now I’m picturing it in your mouth.  Aah, Brian, you give such great blowjobs.  You’re licking the slit and running your tongue up and down the sides.”



“Uhhnn,” Brian groaned.  “I’m sucking your balls, rolling them around with my tongue.  You taste so good.  I’m so hard, thinking about it.”



“Take me into your mouth, all the way.”



“You got it.  All the way down my throat.  Oh fuck.  I’m almost ready.  Are you?  I want us to come at the same time.”



“Almost.  You’re sucking me off faster and faster.  Faster, Brian!  Don’t stop!  Feels so good.”



Brian worked his hand up and down his shaft, increasingly frantic, as Justin begged him to go faster and faster.



“Oh God, I’m coming,” Brian yelled.



“Me too.  Oh, oh, oh, Brian!  Now!!” Justin moaned, trying not to wake Deb and Vic.



“Fuck.  That was great!  How was it for you, Justin?”



“Peachy,” Justin replied, using one of Brian’s patented answers.



“You little shit,” Brian grinned.



“It was fabulous.” Justin laughed.  “I think maybe I can get some sleep now.”



“Me too.  See you for dinner, if I can wait that long.”



“Night, Brian.  I love you.”



“Night,” Brian said, and shut the phone off.  For the first time he wanted to say ‘I love you’ back.  'Maybe next time,' he thought, and rolled over to get one of the best sleeps he had had in a long time.



**************************************



At 6 pm Brian pulled up in front of the studio building.  Justin was standing on the steps, and he ran down when he saw the Jeep.



'A little different from the last time I picked him up here,' Brian thought, smiling to himself.



Justin pulled open the door and flung himself at Brian.  They kissed passionately for several minutes, sucking and groping, not able to get enough of each other.



Finally Justin pulled back, and said breathlessly, “I’m hungry.”



“So am I.  For you.”  Brian continued to kiss him and lick his chin, his neck, his ear.



“Stop, Brian.  We need to eat, and talk.”



Brian groaned.  “My cock is going to explode into a million pieces if we keep doing this.”



“Always bragging about how big it is.”  Justin clucked his teeth in mock disapproval.



Brian laughed.  “I think I’ve missed laughing with you more than almost anything else.”



“I know.  I missed it too.  Ethan was always so serious.  Oh shit!  I’m sorry.  I won’t bring him up again.”  Justin looked scared.



“Don’t worry.  He’s a fact of our lives.  He’s one of the things we’ll have to talk about.”



“I don’t want to ruin everything by bringing him up.  We were having fun.”



“We still can.  Let’s go to dinner.”



**************************************



They ate and made small talk for a while, just enjoying being together.  Finally Brian thought they better settle some things.



“I want you to move back into the loft,” he said.



“You know we have to make some decisions first.  I don’t want things to end up the way they did before.”



“Neither do I, but as I was trying to tell you the night of the infamous Jeep incident, I am trying to change.”



“What brought this on, Brian?  I’m the one who cheated,” Justin said.  “I have to change.”



“We both do.  That’s what Lindsay showed me.  I barely listened to you and rarely talked.  You talked, but without making me listen.  We kind of brushed past each other without really hearing or connecting.  Those last few weeks were Hell.  I don’t want to do that again.”



“That makes two of us.  It sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking.”



“I have.  I tried to imagine my life without you.  I even tried to go back to my old life - the ‘fuck ‘em all, don’t give a shit, heartless bastard’ that I used to be.  Somewhere in trying to recapture that ‘I don’t give a damn’ philosophy, I realized I do give a damn.  About you.  You say I ruined you for anybody else; well you ruined me for my old life.  Lindsay said I couldn’t go back, I had to go forward.”



“Wow!”



“Wow, what?” Brian asked.



“You just blew me away.  I’ve never heard you analyze things like that before.”



“That doesn’t mean I don’t think about things.  I just never express them out loud.”



“But now you are.  Saying them out loud, I mean.  That’s great, Brian.”



“Well, don’t get too used to it.  I’ve never found it easy to talk about this stuff.”



“You’re always easy.”



“Lucky for you.”  Brian grinned at the sexy innuendo.



“Seriously though, I like this new and improved Brian Kinney.”



“I think I do too.  But I also realize that I’m not easy to live with.  I told you that these changes were ‘a work in progress’, and they are.  I’m not finished with them yet, and I’m sure there will be times when I revert to my old habits.  I’ve had 30 years to polish my defenses, and they’re not going to disappear overnight, or completely.”



“That’s very realistic,” Justin said seriously.  “I wouldn’t want you to change everything.  I fell in love with the old Brian Kinney, and I don’t want him to disappear.  Maybe we can just smooth off some of the edges.  I’ll try not to expect too much too fast.  We’ll take it slow.”



“And if I can’t handle something, I’ll tell you that it’s ‘a work in progress’, which means I’m trying, but I’m not there yet.”



“And I’ll try to back off.  Not push you.”



“Agreed.”  Brian stuck out his hand to shake.  Justin took it, and was pulled across the table into a kiss.  When Brian let him go, Justin looked around, embarrassed.



“Still into public displays, I see,” Justin kidded.  “Let’s get out of here.”



“Right.”  Brian threw down a generous amount of money and they hurriedly made their way to the Jeep.



As soon as they were in the car, Brian pounced on Justin again.  He kissed him and kissed him and kissed him.  Justin tried to speak, but Brian would smother his mouth with more kisses.



Finally Justin was able to push him away.



“Don’t make me stop,” Brian begged.  “I need you,” and he started kissing again.



“Brian...”  A kiss smothered his words.  “Brian.”



“What?”  Brian moaned, finally letting up.



“Let’s go to the loft.”



“Do you mean it?” Brian asked, eyes wide.



“Yes.  Hurry!”



Brian slammed the car in gear and peeled away.  They raced through the streets at breakneck speeds.



“Don’t kill us before we get there.  I want to fuck you at least once more before I die,” Justin said, only partially joking.



“I’m going to fuck you a million times before either of us dies.”



“Is that all?  Only a million?”



“Greedy pig!  Okay, a billion.”



“Better.”



“A trillion.”



“Even better.”



“I don’t know what comes after a trillion.”



“Neither do I,” Justin laughed.  “But I think maybe a trillion will do.”



“So easily satisfied,“ Brian smirked.



“Don’t be too sure.  You may have to give me half that trillion tonight.”



“I’m ready,” Brian stated, as they pulled up in front of the loft.



They raced into the building and up the stairs.  The elevator would have been torture.  Brian got them into the loft as fast as he could.  He slammed and locked the door.



“No one’s interrupting us tonight.”



He grabbed Justin and pulled him against his chest.  Their mouths melded together and Brian’s heart pounded.  This was the way it should be.  Only one thing could make it better.



He started pulling off Justin’s clothes, still kissing him and edging them both toward the bedroom.  Justin got Brian’s suit jacket off.  It was the silk Armani.  He loved the feel of it.  He started on the buttons to Brian’s shirt.



They had reached the bed by then.  Brian pushed Justin backwards onto the bed, and pulled off his shoes, pants and underwear.  Justin’s cock sprang up, dripping pre-cum.



“Somebody’s missed me,” Brian observed, taking off his shirt.



He started to undo his trousers, when Justin said, “Don’t.  Leave them on.  I want to feel the silk when you fuck me.”  He unzipped Brian’s fly, and pulled out the straining cock.  He gave it a gentle kiss on the tip and licked up the pre-cum.



“God, Justin,” Brian groaned.



“I can’t wait, Brian.”



Brian stuck a pillow under Justin’s ass and knelt on the floor, pushing Justin’s knees up.  His tongue licked Justin’s pucker and then dove inside.  Justin tasted so good.  His tongue went to work loosening the hole, diving deeper and deeper.  Justin moaned and writhed in ecstasy.  Brian loved that sound.



“Fuck me now!  I can’t wait!” Justin begged.



“It’s going to be fast and hard,” Brian warned, barely in control, as he slipped on a condom and lube.



“Now!” Justin demanded.



Brian rammed all the way in.



Justin yelled, “Yes. Oh, yes!”



Justin’s knees were on Brian’s shoulders, and Brian bent over to kiss him.  Justin smiled up at him.  'Sunshine,' Brian thought, but then nature took over and all rational thought ceased.



He rocked into Justin, the silk of his pants hitting Justin’s ass with each thrust.  Justin met each stroke, begging for more.



“I’m going to shoot,” Justin gasped.  As the first squirt of cum hit his chest, Brian reached his own shattering orgasm.



“Oh, fuck,” Brian groaned, collapsing on top of Justin, still trapped inside him.



“God, that’s what I have been wanting for so long,” Justin whispered, kissing Brian’s mouth and face.



Brian started to move.  “No, stay inside me a little longer,” Justin asked.



“Sure.  Whatever you want,” and Brian kissed him with such tenderness and longing that Justin almost cried.



After a few minutes, Brian said, “Can I take my pants off now?”



“Always the romantic,” Justin teased.  “Go ahead.”



Brian eased his cock out of Justin and disposed of the condom.  He took off his pants and underwear.  His cock sprang up immediately, ready for more action.



“Don’t you ever get enough?” Justin joked.



“I told you there’s no such thing as enough, especially where you’re concerned.”



“You say such sweet things.”



“Mush!” said Brian.  “We just did ‘fast and hard’.  Are you ready for ‘slow and hard’?”



“I’m always ready.”



“I know.  That’s one of the many things I love about you.”



Justin looked at him.  Brian realized that he had almost said those words.  Justin looked like he was holding his breath.



“Work in progress,” Brian said, and Justin smiled, letting out his breath.



Brian slid over closer to Justin on the bed.  He kissed Justin’s mouth and started down his neck.  He licked, tugged, kissed and sucked his way down Justin’s body, giving each area its due.  He worked on Justin’s nipples, navel, tender insides of his thighs, even sucked his toes.  Justin moaned and whimpered, his cock straining and dripping.



“Ready for number two of a trillion?” Brian asked.



“Let’s get it on,” Justin replied.



Brian rolled Justin over, spreading his ass cheeks.  His beautiful little hole spasmed a welcome.  Brian had a condom on in no time and plunged in again.  This time he went slow at first, relishing each thrust, changing the angle and speed as he progressed.  Justin grunted his approval.  Brian smiled in response.  He rocked in and out, Justin meeting each stroke and wanting more.



'He’s as insatiable as I am,' Brian thought.  They were made for each other.  “This is the way it’s supposed to be,” Brian whispered in Justin’s ear, and he kissed his neck.



“Couldn’t be better,” Justin agreed.



Brian felt his balls constrict and increased his speed.  He reached under and grabbed Justin’s cock.



“Come with me,” he whispered against Justin’s neck.



“I’m there. Oh, oh, now, Brian!”



Brian collapsed on top of Justin, his orgasm leaving him spent and senseless.



They lay like that for a while until their senses began to return to normal.



“I’m covered in sweat and cum,” Brian said, rolling onto his back and disposing of the condom.



“I know,” Justin said.  “You smell wonderful.  I’m going to eat you.”  He crawled on top of Brian, licking at the sweat and cum on Brian’s chest.  “Taste’s great.”



“It’s your cum,” Brian observed, sticking his tongue in his cheek.



“We can fix that.”  Justin worked his way down to Brian’s cock and started sucking.



“Can’t we rest for a minute?” Brian asked.



“This is only number three.  We have almost half a trillion left to do,” Justin teased.



“My God, you’re serious,” and Brian tried to look horrified.



“Of course.  I don’t take bragging likely.  You’ll have to prove yourself, old man.”



“Then don’t stop.  I’m ready if you are,” said Brian, noting that his cock seemed to be very ready.



“You wicked, wicked man!” Justin said.



“Wicked, wicked boy,” was the reply.



“After all, a trillion’s not really so many.”



They both laughed, happy to be together, content to stay like this forever.

Sour and Sweet

**************************************    



When the alarm went off the next morning, Brian found arms and legs wrapped around him, and a blond head resting on his chest.  Blue eyes looked up at him.



“Morning, Sunshine,” he said, and Justin smiled at him.



“Am I really here?” Justin asked.



“You feel pretty solid for an apparition,” said Brian, pinching him in several tender places.



“Ow, ow!  Stop it!  It is real.  I’m sorry I asked.”



“Don’t be sorry, about anything.  Are you glad you’re here?”



“Want me to prove it?”  Justin grabbed Brian’s semi-hard cock.



“Isn’t half a trillion fucks enough for you?” Brian teased.



“We never got to half a trillion.”



“I did my best, but you needed some rest.”



“You are so full of yourself!”  Justin laughed.



“I think I was full of you a couple of times last night.”



“Yeah.  That was nice.”



“I’m not sure I can walk.  Want to help an old man to the shower?” Brian asked.



“We can lean on each other.”



“Come on.”



Brian pulled Justin up from the bed.  He put his arm around Justin’s shoulder, and they staggered into the bathroom.  Brian turned the water on.



“I think we need to christen the shower with a good morning fuck.  What do you say?” Brian asked.



“We’ve fucked in there lots of times," Justin said.



“But not in our new and improved state of being.”



“True,” Justin agreed.  “I’m ready.”



They stepped in under the warm spray.  Brian wrapped his arms around Justin and pressed him to his chest.  He held him like that for several minutes.



Justin looked up at him.  He thought he saw tears in Brian’s eyes, but he couldn’t be sure.



“I thought you wanted to fuck,” Justin said softly.



“This is good.  Just like this,” Brian replied.



“Yeah,” Justin agreed.  Finally he said, “We’ll never get the dried cum off our chests, if you don’t make some space for the water to get through.”



“You sure know how to kill a romantic moment,” Brian teased.



“Somebody has to be practical.  We need to get clean before the hot water runs out.”



“All right.”  Brian let him go with some regret.  He took the soap and began to lather Justin’s chest.  Justin reciprocated.  When they had worked their way down a little farther, Justin looked up, batted his eyes at Brian and turned around.  His ass gave a sexy wiggle, and Brian laughed.



“Shameless,” he said.



Soapy fingers spread Justin’s hole, getting him ready.  Brian got a condom from the soap dish, and started to put it on.



“Always prepared,” Justin observed.



“Like a good boy scout.”



“You were never a boy scout.”



“No, but I’ve done a couple of troop leaders.”



“Have you done anybody else in the shower, since I’ve been gone?”  Justin tried to make the question sound nonchalant.



“No, I haven’t,” Brian said seriously.  “This place is for me and you - only.”



Justin leaned back against Brian, and he felt Brian’s cock pressing against his ass.  He turned his head and gave Brian a soft, lingering kiss.  “Make love to me,” he asked.



Brian looked at him and wrapped his arms around Justin’s chest.  He gently bent him over and positioned his cock.  He pushed in a little at a time until Justin was fully impaled.  He loved the little gasp that elicited.  He stood still for a minute, savoring the tight warmth inside Justin.  He leaned his head against Justin’s neck.



“Want to stay like this forever?” he asked.



“Can we?”



“I wish,” Brian whispered.  “Unfortunately that tight little hole of yours has other ideas.”



They both started moving, Brian thrusting forward and Justin leaning back into each stroke.  They found that rhythm that was so natural to them, and their orgasms weren’t long in coming.



As they leaned against the glass, waiting for their breathing to return to normal, Brian said, “We should start every day like this.”



“That would be nice,” Justin agreed.



Brian turned him around and kissed him hard, squeezing their bodies together.



“You’re going to crush me,” Justin said.



“I can’t get close enough to you.”



“I know.  I feel the same way.”



“I guess we better actually get cleaned up.  I suppose I have to go to work, although I’d much rather stay in the shower with you.”



“The hot water’s going to run out anyway,” Justin observed sadly.  “I don’t want you to go.”



Brian shut the water off and stepped out.  He handed Justin a towel.



“I’d dry you off, but that would lead to other things, and then we’d need another shower,” said Brian, smiling at him.



“Vicious circle, isn’t it,” Justin said, smiling back.



“A man’s work is never done.”



“That was work?”



“I’ve been training my whole life to perform like that.”



Justin laughed, “I think you’ve earned your masters papers over the last twelve hours.”



“So I have the Justin Taylor seal of approval?” Brian asked.



“Most definitely!  We better get dressed or you’ll be late for work.”



Finally dressed, they had no time for breakfast.  They grabbed a quick glass of juice and hurried out.  Brian dropped Justin at PIFA.  They had agreed to meet for lunch at a cafe near the institute.



As Brian drove away, he watched Justin in the rearview mirror.  Justin waved and disappeared into the building.  Brian smiled to himself.  Last night and this morning had been better than he could have imagined.  He felt whole and happy.  He hit the play button on the CD and “You Are My Sunshine” began.  It had never sounded better.



**************************************



Brian saw Justin sitting at an outdoor table at the cafe.  He leaned over and kissed him.



“I ordered us a couple of salads,” Justin said.  “I didn’t know how much time you would have.”



“Sounds good,” Brian said, as he sat down.



The salads arrived right away.  They weren’t bad.



“Have you got your belongings from Ethan’s yet?” Brian asked.



“I took a few things to Debbie’s with me when we called it quits, but there’s still some stuff over there.  I guess I’ll have to see Ethan and arrange to get it.”



“Is that going to be a problem?  Do you want me to go with you?”



“No, I don’t think that would be a good idea.  You’d set him off.  I’ll arrange it soon.”



“What did you tell Deb about where you were last night?”



“Nothing.”



“What do you mean, nothing?  I’m surprised we didn’t get a call from her, looking for you.”



“I had already told her I was going to spend the night at my mother’s.”



“You mean you knew you were coming to the loft with me?  And you let me suffer, thinking you would make me stop, and not let me fuck you?”



“Yes,” Justin said, rather sheepishly.



“Little shit!” Brian said.



“I knew I couldn’t hold out any longer, and I figured we’d get a lot of things settled at dinner.”



“And they call me a control freak!  What else have you got arranged?”



“Don’t be mad, but I’ve arranged to stay at Deb’s for a couple of weeks.”



“Why?” Brian asked, not at all pleased.  “I asked you to move into the loft.  I thought you wanted to.”



“I do, but I think we need to go slow.  Last night was wonderful, but we can’t have sex 24 hours a day?”



“Why not?” Brian smirked.



“Be serious.  We need to work out how things will be.  Not rules exactly, but what we can and cannot tolerate.”



“Rules didn’t work the last time.”



“I know, so we need to figure out a better way.”



“Like what?’



“I don’t know for sure, but we each need to think about what we want and what we’ll tolerate from the other one.”



“I don’t know if I can be monogamous,” Brian admitted.



“I haven’t asked you to be.”



“But you might.”



“Brian, I know what you’re like, and look at what I did.  I don’t think monogamy is feasible for us.  We have to learn to talk to each other.  Tricks don’t really bother me, if I don’t have to watch, and I’ll never let things get so bad again that I have to turn to someone like Ethan.”



“How can you be sure of that?”



“Because I’m going to tell you if I’m sad or miserable, and I want you to do the same.  Then we can fix it, without turning to someone else for emotional support.”



“Okay.  That makes sense.”



“See, it’s not so hard to work this out.”



“Are we done yet?”



“No, Brian.”



“Can I fuck you tonight?”



“Yes, Brian.”



“Will you stay all night?”



“No, Brian.”



“But how are we ever going to get to a trillion, if I have to take you back to Deb’s all the time?”



“Don’t worry.  We’ll work on it every day,” Justin said solemnly, and then giggled.



“Promise?”



“Promise.”



**************************************



After work Brian picked up Justin, and they stopped to get some Chinese food on the way to the loft.



Brian sat on the couch and Justin sat on the floor next to him, both eating off the coffee table.  They ate mostly in silence, making small talk occasionally.  When they were pretty well finished, Brian got up and walked over to the stereo.  He pushed play and “You Are My Sunshine" started to play.



Justin looked up, puzzled.  “When did you start listening to country music?” he asked.



“Don’t talk. Listen,” Brian ordered.



Justin was going to make a comment about Trucker Brian, but one look at Brian’s face and he thought better of it.  Brian was very serious.  This must be something important.  He thought he better listen, and carefully.



Brian watched Justin’s face as the song played.  At first he looked bewildered.  'He probably thinks I’m going to take him to Dollywood or on a Deliverance trek down a river in Mississippi,' Brian thought.  Part way through the song, Brian saw a change in Justin’s face.  There was a bit of a smile and then a kind of sadness.  'I wonder what he’s thinking,' Brian mused.



When the song ended, Brian turned off the stereo.



“What do you think?” he asked.



“It’s us,” Justin said simply.  “How did you ever find it?  I thought you hated country music.”



“I do.  It came to me totally by accident.  Some day I’ll tell you the story.  When I listened to the whole song, it was like the composer had written it just for me.  You are my Sunshine, Justin.  I bet I’ve played this song a thousand times since you left.  It kept me sane.  It said all the things I was feeling and couldn’t verbalize.  It gave me hope that you might come back.”



“I’m back now!”  Justin pulled Brian onto the couch and climbed on top of him, kissing all over his face.



“You’re not really back.  I want you to stay here permanently.  Don’t go back to Deb’s.”



“I thought we settled this.  We’re going to take it slow.”



“You settled it.  I didn’t have any say.”  He pushed Justin off him.



“But I thought you agreed.”



“I don’t like it.  I want you here.  I sleep much better when you’re beside me, or on top of me,” he teased, trying to lighten the mood.



“You sleep better because I wear you out.”  Justin giggled.



“That too.”



“I can still wear you out before I go to Debbie’s.”



“It’s not the same.”



“I know, but it’s only for a while, till we work everything out.”



“So you’re not going to stay?”



“No.”



“Shit!  I thought if we discussed this, you’d come around.”



“I’m glad you told me how you feel, and I’m glad you want me here.  This is a big improvement over how you would have handled this before.  You would have closed up, suffered without saying anything, and shut me out.”



“But it hasn’t changed anything.”



“Yes, it has.  I know you want me.  It makes me want to get things straightened out that much faster.”



“But you won’t stay.”



“No, not yet.”



“Shit!”



“Brian, communication doesn’t mean that you get your way.”



“Well, it should.”



“Selfish bugger!”



“What good is communication, if I can’t convince you to stay?”



“It’s good because we know where we stand.  These are the kinds of things we still have to settle.  I’m not going to give in to you all the time the way I used to.  I’m not the scared little teenager that fell in love with you.  I want to be treated like an equal.  We have to come to agreements that we both can live with.”



“Okay, I guess.  I see what you mean.  I’ll keep trying, and we will work this out,” Brian said with a big sigh.



“Good.  Don’t shut me out, and everything will fall into place.”



“Like you into my lap,” said Brian, pulling Justin back on top of him.  “I’m ready to be worn out.”  He smiled that killer Kinney smile.



“What are you waiting for?” Justin wanted to know.



“Permission to come aboard,” Brian said, sounding very navy.



“Aye, aye, sir!  Permission granted.”  Justin saluted.



Brian pushed Justin back on the couch and climbed on top of him.  He rubbed his crotch against Justin’s, loving the friction.  His hands roamed all over Justin’s body, as he removed pieces of clothing.  His tongue and lips attacked Justin’s nipples, sucking and tugging, until Justin begged for more.



Brian was still rubbing their crotches together, and his penis was becoming uncomfortably hard.  He stood up to remove his clothing, and Justin got rid of the rest of his.  When Brian pushed his trousers and underwear down, he saw Justin staring at him with a playful look on his face.



“What are you planning?” Brian asked, intrigued.



“I’m still kind of hungry, and there’s some sweet and sour sauce left.”



Brian looked at him.  Justin grinned and spread his t-shirt out on the couch.



“Sit on it,” Justin ordered.



Brian decided to humor him.  He sat on the shirt, leaning back against the arm of the sofa.  His swollen penis bounced against his stomach.    Justin leaned over and gave it a kiss on the tip.  Brian’s stomach flipped.  'Christ, he can almost make me come from that little kiss,' Brian thought.  'I am so fucked.'



Justin smiled his sunshine smile.  He picked up the container of sweet and sour sauce.



“What are you going to do?” Brian asked.



“Don’t worry.  It’s not hot.  Barely warm.”  He drizzled it over Brian’s cock.



“Umm,” Brian groaned, liking the sensation.



Justin’s mouth wasn’t far behind.  He used his closed lips to spread the sauce all over Brian’s penis.  Then he started lapping it up, tonguing and sucking all over the cock.  Brian thought he was going to explode or implode or self-combust.  His hips bucked up involuntarily into Justin’s face.  He wanted to scream.



Justin sucked his cock back into his throat, and Brian did scream, “Oh my God, Justin!”



Justin stopped for a minute, and looked up at him.  His face was covered in sweet and sour sauce and he looked adorable.



“Don’t stop now!” Brian ordered.



“Aye, aye, sir!”



His mouth attached itself to Brian’s penis, and began devouring it again.  Brian felt like he was going to burst, and he began to pump his hips, as he reached a shattering orgasm.  Justin swallowed, as Brian pumped his cum into his mouth.



Brian fell back against the couch, exhausted and sated.



“Sweet,” was all he was able to whisper.



Justin leaned over him, his face now covered in sweet and sour sauce and cum.  He kissed Brian, transferring some of the mixture into Brian’s mouth.  Their tongues dueled as Justin pressed his face into Brian’s.



“Quite a tasty concoction,” Brian whispered between kisses.



Justin pulled back a little and started to laugh.



“What’s so funny?” Brian wanted to know.



“Your face is covered in sauce and cum.  You look adorable.”



“That makes two of us,” Brian said, chuckling.



“I think we need to head for the shower, before we make any more of a mess.”



“Yeah, we can continue our road to a trillion in there,” Brian noted.  “Christ, that sauce is sticky.  Did we get any on the sofa?”



“No.  I was very careful.  We just ruined my t-shirt.  That’s all.”



“Good boy!  I’ll make a neatnik out of you yet.”



“Let’s get to the shower.  I have a lot of work to do tiring you out, before I go back to Debbie’s.”



He pulled Brian towards the bathroom.



“Is there any sauce left?” Brian asked, looking back at the coffee table.  “In case we need it later.”



“Doesn’t matter,” Justin said.  “I’m an artist.  Very creative.  I can always think of something else if we’ve run out of sauce.”



“I’ll hold you to that.”



“You don’t have to.  You know I’m always prepared, just like you.”



'Just like me,' Brian thought.  'Two parts of one whole.'

A Present

**************************************



For a few days Brian lived by Justin’s terms.  He would pick Justin up every day after work.  They would eat dinner, talk and fuck, or fuck, eat dinner and talk, or cook, eat dinner, talk and fuck.  There were a lot of variations they came up with.



However, it always ended the same way with Brian driving Justin back to Debbie’s before 2 am.  He would drop Justin off around the corner from Deb’s, because they still hadn’t told anyone they were back together.



Brian had started to get calls from Michael, wanting to know where he was and why he never came to Woody’s or Babylon.  He hadn’t answered the calls, but he knew he was going to have to.



He decided he had to tell Justin that this had to stop.  He was just about talked out.  It had never come easy to him to talk, and he found it wearing to be constantly discussing personal things.  Besides, he was glad that he had Justin back, and he wanted everyone to know.  He also wanted Justin in his bed all night every night, and there when he woke up in the morning.



When he picked Justin up after work, he decided to broach the subject.  "Justin, I want you to stay all night tonight,” Brian said.



“Okay.”



“What?  You’re not going to say no and lecture me about taking it slow?”



“No.”



“What’s going on?” Brian asked, puzzled.



“I think it’s time we told everybody and I moved back into the loft.”



“I was going to tell you the same thing.”



“See, we’re back in sync.”



“I guess so!”



Justin never failed to amaze him.



**************************************



Justin cooked pasta with shrimp, and they tried to figure out the best way to handle the announcement that they were back together.  They decided a brunch on Sunday morning would be the best idea.  Casual, but they could probably get everyone there, and they would have tomorrow to get ready for it.



Brian would tell everyone he had been very busy at work.  He wanted to celebrate being made partner, and was sorry he had seen so little of them lately.  Justin wouldn’t be there when they all arrived.  He would pick up his mother and Molly and bring them a bit later.  Then everyone would know.



Brian said, "You're almost as clever at staging these extravaganzas as I am.”



Justin glowered at him.  “No more ‘Rage’ parties, please.  One of those in a lifetime is enough.”



“I shouldn’t have brought that up.”



“It’s okay to talk about it.  I just don’t ever want to do it again.”



“Are we all set for the brunch?  You can help me get everything ready, then take the Jeep to get Molly and your mother.  We better start making some phone calls.  Call Deb and tell her you won’t be there tonight.”



“Already done.”



“You little shit!”  Brian pretended he was going to strangle him.  “You’re such a smartass.”



“I thought my ass had other attributes than smart.”



“It does, and I intend to explore them all, right after I get these phone calls made.”



**************************************



They spent several hours making out and having fantastic sex.  They were both happy not to have to stop and go to Deb’s.  Brian was true to his word, and tried out all aspects of Justin’s ass.  He even let Justin top him, needing to have Justin be part of him in every possible way.



When they were finally exhausted, Justin curled up against Brian.  If he had been a cat, he would have purred.  Everything was so perfect.



After a few minutes he said, “Brian, I’m scared.”



“What?  Why?”



“Everything’s so great.  It must mean something bad is going to happen.”



“Don’t think like that.”



“I can’t help it.”



“Nothing bad’s going to happen.  We deserve some happiness, after all that we’ve been through.”



“Do you think so?”



“I know so.”



“I hope you’re right.”



He hugged Brian and snuggled down to sleep.



**************************************



Saturday was spent getting ready for the brunch, shopping, cleaning, rearranging furniture.  While Justin was working in the kitchen, he looked up to note that Brian had disappeared.



“Brian?” Justin called.



“In here,” said Brian from the bedroom.



“What are you doing?”



“Come in here for a minute, please.”



Justin heard something strange in Brian’s voice.  He stopped what he was doing, and went up the steps to the bedroom.  That little voice of fear echoed in his head.



Brian was sitting on the side of the bed, holding something in his hand.  He didn’t look at Justin as he came up beside him.



“What’s wrong?” Justin asked.



“Sit down for a minute.”



“Brian, you’re scaring me.  You’re not changing your mind about us?  You’re not going to send me away, are you?  I knew something bad was going to happen.”



“Shut up,” and Brian smothered his mouth with a kiss.



Justin looked at Brian.



“What’s going on?” he asked again.



“Just be quiet, and let me talk for once.”



“Okaaaay.”



“I’m going to give you something.  I'm not exactly sure what it means, but I want you to have it.  Don’t read more into it than there is.  Take it, think about it, and we’ll talk about it.  Don’t say anything right away.  Can you do that?”



“I guess so.”



Brian handed Justin a little, black jewelry box, the one he had kept in the drawer by the bed for several weeks.  Justin opened it slowly.  Inside was a small golden sun hanging on a gold chain.  Justin tried not to gasp.  He carefully lifted it out of the box.  As he held it up and it dangled on the chain, he saw some words on the back.  He turned the little sun over.  Inscribed on the back was “My Only Sunshine”.



Justin fought back tears.  Brian was staring intently at him.  Justin didn’t know what to do.  He clasped the pendant tightly in his hand.



He just sat there for a couple of minutes.  He didn’t seem to be able to look at Brian.



Finally Brian couldn’t stand it any longer, and he asked, “Aren’t you going to say something?”



“You told me not to.”



“Since when have you started listening to me?”



“Since you seem so serious.”



“Tell me what you think.”



“I love it,” he said.



Brian smiled.



“Can I put it on?”



Brian nodded.  As Justin struggled with the clasp, Brian took it from him, and put it around his neck.



“I’m shaking,” said Justin.



“I can feel that.”



“Hold me.”



Brian wrapped his arms around Justin and held on tight.



“Why?" he heard Justin whisper.



“When I first heard ‘You Are My Sunshine’, I had a jeweler make it for me.  I vowed that someday, when I had you back, I’d give it to you.  I almost gave up on us a couple of times, but now I can carry out my vow.  I always keep my promises, even to myself.”



“Am I really your only sunshine?”



Brian nodded.



“I was scared when you called me up here, but this is the best.  You’ve made me so happy.”



“Are you sure?”



“I’ll always be your only sunshine.”



“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”



“I’ll keep it, or die trying.”



“Don’t do that.  I was afraid you’d make promises beyond what is possible, and you’d expect impossible promises from me in return.  It’s just a pendant.”



“No, it’s not.  I’ll stop with the promises, but I’m not going to let you claim it means nothing.  If it really meant nothing, you wouldn’t care what I said.  You’re afraid I’m going to expect commitments you can’t make.”



Brian tilted his head in agreement.



“I won’t.  I’m so happy you did this.  Everything you can’t say aloud is captured on the pendant.  I understand and I love you.”



**************************************



The rest of the preparations for the brunch were completed by dinnertime.  There was some pasta left from the day before, so they sat on the stools at the counter and ate in silence.  Things had been a little awkward between them since the pendant.  Brian noticed that Justin couldn’t keep his hands off the little sun, touching it and spinning it on its chain.  They were tired from their preparations and ate listlessly.  Brian kept feeling Justin staring at him, but whenever he would look up, Justin would look away.



'I think I made a mistake giving him the pendant,' Brian thought.  'It feels like it has changed something.  I promised I would give it to him, but I was afraid he’d read too much into it.  Shit!  Why does everything have to be so complicated?  It’s just a fucking pendant!'



“Brian.”



“What?”



“You’re shutting me out.”



“And you’re pestering me.”



“What?  I’ve hardly spoken to you all afternoon.”



“I know, and it’s very annoying.”



“Christ, I can’t win!  If I talk, it bothers you.  If I’m quiet, it’s annoying.  What the fuck am I supposed to do?”



“I don’t know, but I hate this.”



Brian got up from his stool and grabbed his jacket.



“Where are you going?”



“Out.”



“Brian, don’t do this.  Don’t walk out.  We’ve made so much progress.  Don’t ruin it.”



“Fucking ‘work in progress’!” Brian yelled.  “I can’t deal with this right now.”



Brian slammed the loft door as hard as he could.  He was glad Justin was on the other side of that door, because he wanted to wring his neck.



“He’s ruined everything,” Brian mumbled, and ran down the stairs to the Jeep.



**************************************



An hour later Brian walked into the baths.  He had driven around for a while until his anger lessened a bit, but he knew he wasn’t ready to face Justin.



As he walked through the hallway, he looked in each cubicle.



'Maybe a good, hard, anonymous fuck will put me in a better frame of mind,' Brian thought.



He stopped outside a cubicle.  Inside he saw a slender young man, ass sticking up in the air, just screaming, ‘Fuck me!  Fuck me!’ as Emmett would say.



Brian decided he would be happy to oblige.  He stepped inside and closed the door.



“I’m going to fuck you until your teeth rattle in your head.”



“Good!” was the only reply.



Brian quickly slipped on a condom and some lube.



“Do I need to get you ready?” Brian asked.



“Don’t bother.  I want it hard and dirty,” the man replied.



“Okay, you asked for it.”



Brian positioned his cock at the man’s hole, and pushed forward.  The man grunted.



“All right?” Brian asked.  He didn’t want to rip the man open.  He didn’t know how well-endowed Brian was.



“Bring it on!” the man commanded.



Brian grinned, his primal predator smile.  This was going to be one interesting fuck.



He plunged the rest of the way in.



“Aaahhh!” the man yelled, but bucked back to meet Brian at the same time.



“Fuck.  This guy’s crazy,” Brian thought.



He pulled back till only the tip of his cock was imbedded in the man.  Then he gave a strong thrust, burying his cock up to the hilt.



“So good,” the man gasped.



“Want some more?” Brian asked.



“Yeah.”



Brian rammed in again and again.  The man responded to each thrust, his ass begging for more.  Brian had worked up quite a sweat by this time, but the man showed no signs of tiring.



Brian reached under the man and pulled on his cock.  At the same time he raised the man’s ass a little and repositioned it so he could hit his prostate with each thrust.



“Shit,” he heard the man say.  “More!”



Brian was happy to oblige.  He slammed into the man over and over.



“Harder,” the man demanded.



Brian pounded harder and faster, wondering how much longer he could keep this up.



“I’m almost there,” the man finally gasped.



“Good,” said Brian, and continued his frantic pace.



“Ohhh.  Fuck!  Fuck!” the man yelled, blowing his load.  His hole constricted around Brian’s penis, and Brian started to shoot, in a seemingly endless orgasm.



The next thing he knew, he was laying on top of the man, stars sparkling behind his eyelids.  He opened his eyes and saw a blond head beneath him.



“That was one fuck of a wild ride!” Brian said.



“Christ, yes!” the man replied.  “I think I blacked out for a minute.”



“Me too,” Brian said.  “Don’t move.  I’m still inside you.”  He carefully pulled his penis out and took off the condom, throwing it into a can against the wall.  He looked carefully at the man’s ass in the dim light.  “I don’t think I tore anything down there,” he said.



“That’s good,” and the man rolled over.



“Dick!” Brian said, shocked to recognize Dick Dingly, his trick from a couple of weeks ago.



“Brian,” Dick replied.  “I should have known.  I haven’t had a decent fuck since I was at your place.”



Brian laughed.  “You just got one now.”



“And how!  It’s a wonder I didn’t realize it was you.  Most guys are far too timid.  They don’t believe I really mean faster and harder, when I say so.”



“I had trouble believing it myself, although, if I had known it was you ...”



Dick chuckled.  “Don’t tell me you could have done better than that, or I’ll make you prove it.”



“I don’t think I could right now.  My dick needs some rest and TLC after that workout.”



“So does my ass,” Dick said, exploring it gently with his fingers.  “Why didn’t you call me?  I’m a much more reliable fuck than prowling the baths.”



“You’re a great fuck!  I just didn’t want any complications from seeing you again.  I only fuck guys once.”



“Oh,” said Dick, “but you just did me again.”



“By accident,” Brian stated.



“That was no accident!  You were very purposeful, and I might say, masterful.”



“You know what I mean, but thanks for the compliment.”



“You earned it.  It’s not easy being a demanding bottom.  I have a lot of trouble finding someone to satisfy me.”



“You don’t have to tell me that.  I was barely hanging on at the end.”



“But that’s what’s great about you.  You made sure to wait till I came.  Most tops are only interested in getting their own rocks off.  They don’t care about the bottom.”



Brian looked at him quizzically.  “Most people call me a selfish bastard,” he said.



“Well, you’re not a selfish lover, if I may call you that.  Plus, you’re easy on the eyes, have great stamina and a kick-ass cock.”



Brian laughed out loud.  “Dick, you are full of shit, but I could listen to you all day.  Want to get out of here, and get a drink somewhere.”



“Sure! Let’s blow this pop stand,” said Dick good-humoredly.



**************************************



They walked a couple of blocks and found a likely looking bar.  Over beers, Brian asked Dick about himself.



“Not much to tell,” Dick said.  “I’m a teacher, middle school, no family, one or two bad relationships over the years.”



“Teacher?” Brian asked.  “I would have never guessed.”



“Funny, huh?  I teach history.  Love it, and I seem to be able to make kids love it too.”



“Aren’t you worried about getting caught in the baths?” Brian asked.  “That would cost you your job.”



“Nope.  I’m a fatalist.  If that’s what’s meant to happen, then it will, one way or another.  I refuse to live my life in fear.  I do what I want to do.”



“I’ll drink to that,” Brian said, clinking beer bottles with Dick.



“What about you?” Dick asked.



“Ad exec.  Unfortunately I have a mother and sister.  And I’m sort of in a ... relationship,” Brian added.



“And you don’t want to talk about any of it, do you?” Dick asked.



“No.  I mean ... no,” Brian said, looking rather forlorn.



“Meaning you do,” Dick pressed.



“I don’t know.  I guess so. Shit!  Life’s a crock sometimes!”



“Explain.”



“This guy I’m with.  He’s moving in with me.  I gave him something today that ...”



“He thinks means a lot more than you intended it to?”



“I’m not sure what I intended, but things got really awkward.  I had to get out of there, and I ended up at the baths.”



“With me.  Fated to happen, Brian.”



“What do you mean?”



“I’ve been there, done that in a relationship.  I’m going to give you some advice, which I don’t usually do.  Go home and talk to him.”



“Fuck!  That’s what he wants all the time.  Talk, talk, talk.  I’m not a talker.”



“I am, and I know the value of talking things out.”



“Smart bastard, aren’t you?”



“Smart enough.  Go home. Talk to him.  And Brian, if you ever want to bend my ear, or fuck my ass, I’m available.”



“Thanks, Dick.  I have enjoyed talking to you, and I really enjoyed fucking you.”  They both smiled.  “I guess I have to go home sometime, so it might as well be now.”



“Good luck,” Dick said, as Brian walked away.



**************************************



When Brian slid back the door to the loft, he didn’t know what to expect.  It was almost midnight.  Most of the lights were off, but he could see the blue neons in the bedroom.



“Justin?” he said tentatively.



“Did you finally decide to come back?” a voice said from the bedroom.



“Yeah. I’m here.”



“Whoopee,” Justin said with as much disdain as he could muster.



“Cut the sarcasm,” Brian said.  “We need to talk.”



“It only took you four hours to figure that out.”



“I had to get away from you, and do some thinking.”



“And some booze and some drugs and some tricks?”



“Are you trying to piss me off even more?” Brian yelled.



“I don’t have to try.  It just happens.”



Brian could hear the exasperation in Justin’s voice.



“Fuck!  Is it going to be like this all the time?  Cause I can’t fucking stand it!”



“I told you I wasn’t going to take your shit and say nothing, and I meant it.  You walked out on me without an explanation, just like you used to.  I thought we had got past that, but I guess I was fooling myself.”



“I said ‘Work in Progress’,” Brian conceded, backing down a little.  “I couldn’t stand you staring at me and waiting for me to say something I’m not prepared to say.  It was just a pendant.”



“Oh, fuck off, Brian!  You know that’s not true, so stop lying to me and yourself.”



The silence echoed off the walls of the loft.  Brian had made it about halfway across to the bedroom.  He didn’t really want to see Justin’s face.  He turned, went over to the couch and slumped down on it.  His head pounded and he felt sick to his stomach.



He waited.



He expected Justin to come out of the bedroom, but he didn’t.



He waited some more, feeling even sicker.



Justin stayed put in the bedroom.



Brian knew he had to do something.  He had wanted Justin back so badly, and now that he had him, he was destroying it all.



He pushed himself up from the couch.  It took almost all the energy he had left to go up the steps to the bedroom.  Justin sat under the neons, wearing his sweats, and looking so pale.  His face seemed to be in torment.  Brian couldn’t stand that look on his face.  He thought his heart would break.



“I’m sorry,” he said wearily, breaking another one of his rules.



“So am I,” Justin managed to choke out.



Brian grabbed him, and pulled him into a tight embrace.  Justin didn’t struggle, as Brian had expected and feared.  He fell against Brian’s chest, and Brian could feel the sobs, even though no sound came out.



“Justin.  Stop.  Please.  You’re breaking my heart.”



“I ... I ... I can’t,” Justin stuttered between sobs.



“It’ll be all right.  We’ll work something out.”



Brian held him gently, rubbing his back until the sobs lessened.



“We’ve ruined everything,” Justin managed to say.  “I knew something bad was going to happen.”



“So it did.  But I’m still here, and so are you.  We can work this out.”



“Do you want the pendant back?”



“No.  Of course not.  I want you to have it.”



“But I don’t want it, if it causes us pain like this.”



“I never meant for it to do that.”



“I know, but I don’t think we’re ready to deal with this yet.  I’m going to give it back to you to keep until you’re ready to define what it means.”  Justin held out his hand, the pendant nestled in his palm.



“I don’t want it back.  It’s for you.”  Brian pushed Justin’s hand back, and folded his fingers over the pendant.  “What if we put it back in the box, and you keep it safe for a while.  When I know what it means and I can tell you, I’ll put it back around your neck.”



Justin looked deep into Brian’s eyes, and nodded.



Brian took the box from the bedside table.  Justin carefully laid the pendant inside and closed the lid.  He put the box in the drawer on his side of the bed.



“How did something so beautiful cause so much pain?” Justin asked, wiping away tears.



“You’ve been right all along.  We need to go slow.  I tried to rush the pendant thing, and I wasn’t ready for the consequences.”



“I didn’t think you were going to come back.  Where did you go?”



Brian groaned.  He had to tell the truth.  “The baths.”



“Fuck anyone interesting?” Justin asked.



“As a matter of fact ...”



“Christ, Brian!”



“Dick made me come home and talk to you.”



“A therapist trick!  When did you start remembering tricks’ names?” Justin looked disturbed.



“I’ve met Dick before.  We went for a drink after we fucked.”



“Brian, are you trying to drive me insane?”



“No, I’m just telling you what happened.”



“Let me get this straight.  You go to the baths, you fuck a guy named Dick who you’ve met before, you have drinks with him, and he talks you into coming home to me.”



“That’s right.”



“And this doesn’t seem the least bit strange to you?”



“Well, it’s never happened before, I have to admit.  I think we should invite Dick to brunch tomorrow.”



“You’re certifiable!”



“Probably, but I think you’ll like Dick.  He’s a teacher.”



Justin’s mouth hung open in amazement at Brian’s statements.



Brian took Justin’s chin gently in his hand and closed his mouth.  He leaned over and kissed Justin tenderly.  To his great relief Justin kissed him back.



“Are we all right?” Brian asked.



“I’m not sure,” Justin said.  “But I think we should leave it for now.  Can we talk more about it later?”



“I think we need to, although I can hardly believe I’m saying that.”



Justin put his arms around Brian’s neck and leaned in for another kiss.  “This was almost the shortest reconciliation on record.  Broken up before we even announced we were back together,” Justin said.



“But it’s going to work out,” Brian stated.



“Right.  It will,” Justin said positively.



“Can I fuck you now?”



“Wasn’t Dick enough for you?” Justin teased.



“You know what I think about enough.”



“I’m yours,” Justin said, flopping back on the bed, arms and legs spread wide.



“And a tasty morsel you are,” Brian said, and he started to devour Justin’s face, soon to be followed by ...  Oh, you know.

Brunch

**************************************    



Sunday morning came much too soon.  Brian and Justin had effectively made up the night before, consummating their togetherness several times.  They had managed a few hours of sleep, setting the alarm for 8 am.  That gave them three hours to set all the food out, and pick up some fresh bagels.  They cut up the fruit they had bought the day before, and set out smoked salmon and cheeses.  Brian had decided to have champagne and orange juice.  The loft looked very inviting.



Brian listened to Justin hum a little tune as he lit some candles.  He hoped everything was really okay between, but they had both tacitly agreed not to bring up the pendant, at least until the brunch was over.  Brian had called Dick when they got up, and Dick agreed to come.  Justin didn’t look overly pleased about Brian inviting a trick to their celebration.  Brian had decided that he liked Dick and wanted him there.



At 10:30 Justin left to pick up his mother and Molly.  Everyone else was to arrive around 11 am.  They figured Justin would be back before 11:30, all the guests would have arrived, and they would all know the score as soon as Justin and his family walked in.



About ten to eleven the buzzer rang.



“Come on up,” Brian said, letting someone in.



He left the loft door open, as he started the coffee brewing.  Vic and Debbie walked in.  Each gave Brian a hug and congratulations on being made partner.  Debbie said in his ear, “We still have things to talk about, mister.”



Brian rolled his eyes, but thankfully the buzzer went off before he had to say anything.



It was Mel, Lindsay and Gus.



Gus flung himself at his father, yelling, “Dada!  Dada!”



Brian grinned foolishly and spun Gus around.  Gus gave him a big slobbery kiss and clung to his neck.



Next came Emmett and Ted.  They also congratulated Brian on being partner.  Brian opened the champagne, and they all toasted.



The buzzer rang again, and the elevator brought up Michael, Ben and Dick.  Ben and Michael kept looking strangely at Dick, wondering why he was coming into the loft with them.



Brian introduced Dick to everyone, saying he was a friend.  Soon Dick was talking to Ben.  Brian knew everyone else was trying to figure out where Dick had come from.  They all dug into the food, and Dick seemed to fit right in.



As Brian was taking a drink of champagne and orange juice, Dick stepped up beside him, and said, “Which one’s your live-in?”



“He’s not here yet.  You’ll meet him in a few minutes.”



Just then all conversation stopped.  Brian turned around.  Justin, his mother and Molly stood in the doorway.  Everyone stared at them.



Brian walked over and gave Justin a big kiss.



Debbie shrieked and Brian could hear applause.  He smiled at Justin and Jennifer.  Debbie grabbed Brian and gave him a big hug.  “I was getting ready to chew you out again.  How long have you two been back together?”



“A little over a week,” Brian said.



“So this is where you were till two in the morning every night,” she said to Justin.  He grinned.  “Well, I’m glad you’ve both come to your senses.  It’s about time!”  She gave Justin a big kiss.



Everyone else crowded around, offering their congratulations and best wishes.



“I’m so happy for you both,” Emmett said tearily, kissing them.



“Ditto,” said Ted in his usual terse way.



“This is great,” said Michael, hugging Brian and smiling at Justin.



“I’m glad you took my advice,” Ben joked, shaking Brian’s hand.



Vic just kissed them both, beaming with pleasure.



Lindsay kissed Brian.  “I’m so pleased it’s worked out this way.  I was worried about you,” she said to him.



“Thanks for talking some sense into me,” he said.



Melanie looked at Brian and said, “I hope you realize how lucky you are, and don’t fuck it up again.”  Brian rolled his eyes, and turned to watch Lindsay gush over Justin.  Melanie joined her, giving Justin a kiss on the cheek.



Gus wanted up to be part of the celebrations too.  He grabbed Justin’s pant leg, and Justin scooped him up, receiving a big Gus-style kiss.  He didn’t really know what was going on, but everyone was kissing, and he wanted to be part of it.



“Justin, Jennifer, Molly, this is my friend Dick,” Brian said, not wanting Dick to feel left out.



Dick shook hands with them.  Molly, followed by Jennifer, headed for the food, and so did everyone else except for Brian, Justin and Dick.



“Trust the Taylors to be first to the food,” Brian observed, his tongue stuck in his cheek.



Justin poked him in the ribs.



Dick watched their interaction.



“I’m glad you guys seem to be okay,” Dick said to them.



“I hear you made him come home and talk,” Justin said.



“I just suggested that might be a good idea.”



“Thanks.”



“Anytime.”



“I’m going to get something to eat,” Justin said, moving away.



“He’s awfully young,” Dick said, watching Justin join the others around the food table.



“Only chronologically.”



“I’m surprised.  He’s not at all what I expected.”



“He’s not what I expected either,” Brian laughed.



“How did you two get together?”



“He stalked me,” Brian said facetiously.



“What?”  Dick looked concerned.



“He just refused to go away, until it became impossible to live without him.”



“He sounds like a real handful.”



“He is, in every way.”



“Congratulations, Brian.  I hope it all works out the way you want it to,” Dick said sincerely.



“Me too.  I wanted you to know how much I appreciated talking to you last night.  I could have screwed everything up.  You helped me see what I needed to do.”



“Anytime.”



Just then Justin came back with a plate of food.  “Aren’t you guys eating anything?” he asked.



“I’ve had some food already,” Dick said.



“I’m going to get some more champagne and juice,” Brian said, going over to the bar.



“I think he wants us to talk,” Justin said.



“Are you okay with that?  Did Brian tell you how we met?”



Justin nodded.  “’The Therapist Trick’ I called you when he told me.  I knew you must be special, because he never remembers the names of tricks, but he knew yours.  I was jealous.  Should I be?”



“Very forthright.  I like that, Justin.  If I thought I had a chance with Brian, you’d need to be jealous, but he only has eyes for you.  He’s staring at you right now.”



Justin turned and gave Brian a little wave.  Brian raised his glass in acknowledgement.



“I love him,” Justin said.  “Have, since the night I met him.”



“I can see that.  I’m envious.”



“Don’t be.  He’s made my life Hell.  He’s also made it delirious, glorious, crazy and fucked up.  He’s quite a roller coaster ride.”



“I can only imagine.  Why do you think he wanted us to meet?”



“I don’t know, but he said he thought I’d like you, and I do.  You’re very easy to talk to.”



“Last night he told me he wasn’t a talker, and I told him I was.  Maybe he just wants us to talk.  I’m also a good listener.  I told him if he ever needed an ear, I was available, and that goes for you too.”



“Thanks for the offer.  You know, Brian is pretty crafty.  He says nothing, and we stand here trying to figure out why he has put us together.  He’s such a manipulator.”



“But I think he has good intentions.”



“You figured that out in one night?”



“I’m intuitive about people, and I think you are too.  I’d like to be friends with both of you, if you can handle that.”



“I think I’d like that.”



They shook hands.  Brian smiled from across the room.



When most of the food had been devoured, people started to make noises about leaving.  Dick left first, wishing Brian and Justin well, and telling them to keep in touch.



Once he had left, everyone wanted the lowdown on who he was.  Brian would only say that he had just met him at a bar, and that he was a teacher.



“You’re not much help,” Emmett observed.



“Too bad,” was Brian’s only reply.



“We better get going,” Debbie said.  “I’m happy for you both.  Don’t screw it up.”  She and Vic headed out, followed by Ted and Emmett.



Lindsay and Mel gathered up Gus’ toys.  They were going to take Molly and Jennifer home.  Gus was getting cranky.  He needed a nap.  Brian kissed him and handed him to Lindsay.



“Bye, Sonny Boy,” he said.  Jennifer gave Brian a little peck on the cheek, and left with the others.



Michael and Ben were the only ones left.  Michael seemed a little uncomfortable.



“I haven’t always been the most supportive of you two,” he said, “but I am glad you’re back together.  You were both miserable when you were apart.  I guess this is for the best.”



“It is, Mikey,” Brian said, and kissed him.



“Good luck, you guys,” Ben offered.



“Yeah, now the hard stuff begins,” Brian said.



Justin closed the door behind them.  "That went pretty well, didn’t it?” Justin asked.



“Could have been a lot worse.  They seemed to be happy for us, and nobody had a coronary when they saw you in the doorway.”



“Thank God.  I don’t know CPR,” Justin joked.



“What did your mother say?”



“I didn’t tell her where I was taking her, just to brunch.  When we got to the loft, it dawned on her what that meant.  I think she’s okay with it, but she still thinks you’re way too old for me,” Justin teased.



“I thought she seemed a little remote.”



“She’s afraid I’ll get hurt, but she can’t protect me from that.  I’m where I want to be, and she knows that.”



“Gus was happy to see you.  It’ll be nice to have him here with the two of us sometimes.”



“Are you keeping me as a playmate for Gus?”



“Well, you are about the same age,” Brian laughed.



Justin put his arms around Brian’s waist, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  They got some champagne and fruit, and went to sit on the couch.  Justin fed Brian pieces of melon, and then sucked the juice from his lips with long, slow kisses.



“What did you think of Dick?” Brian asked.



“He’s nice.  He said he’d like to be friends with both of us.”



“I’d like that.”



“I think I would too.  He’s very easy to talk to.”



“Like we need more talking,” Brian said, rolling his eyes.



“I have other ideas right now.”



“You do?  Naughty boy!”  Brian’s eyes widened in mock surprise.



Justin grabbed Brian’s crotch.  “Feels like somebody’s ready for more than talk.”



“Always ready,” Brian bragged.



Justin undid his fly, and liberated his cock.  It leapt to attention.  Justin gave it his trademark kiss, and started to work with his mouth.  After some intense tongue and mouth work, he had Brian panting.



“Like that?” Justin asked.



Brian nodded.



Justin reached over and grabbed a piece of mango.  He squeezed it over Brian’s erect penis, and then lapped up the juice mixed with Brian’s precum.  Brian’s hips bucked up to meet Justin’s lips.



“Patience,” Justin said.



Brian moaned.  Justin grabbed a condom from the box on the coffee table.  “I have a better idea,” he said, removing his clothes.  Brian watched with naked lust in his eyes.  Justin covered Brian’s cock with the condom and squirted on lube.  He ran his hand up and down the shaft a few times, then squirted some lube on his own hole.



He climbed up on the couch, standing over Brian.  Brian took that as his signal to do a little work on Justin’s cock.  At the same time he used his fingers to open Justin’s pucker.



Justin squatted over Brian’s lap.  He reached under and positioned Brian’s cock at his hole.  Justin smiled his sunshine smile and lowered himself onto Brian’s cock.  The tip went through the first ring of muscle.  Justin let out a little breath and stopped.  He stayed in that position, kissing Brian passionately.



“Stay still,” he whispered to Brian.



Justin squatted a little more, taking about half of Brian’s cock.  He stopped and contracted the muscles of his anus.



“Fuck!” Brian gasped between clenched teeth.



Justin stayed in that position, kissing Brian deeply and erotically.



He smiled and rose up a little, releasing the muscles around Brian’s cock.  He looked deeply into Brian’s eyes, and sat down hard on Brian’s balls, at the same time squeezing Brian’s cock.



“Aaaahhhhhh!” Brian was almost screaming, as he shot his load into Justin.  His head fell back onto the sofa cushions, and he took short, panting breaths.



“Where did you learn to do that?” Brian asked, after a minute or two, when his senses had recovered.



“I told you.  I’m an artist.  I can be very creative.  I just played it by ear.  Didn’t you like it?” he asked innocently, batting his eyes at Brian.



“You are a little brat!”  He smacked Justin’s bottom.  “I loved it.”



“Ow.”  Justin wiggled around.



“Be careful.  I’m still inside you.”



“I know.  Want me to squeeze some more?”



“No, but let me change the condom, and I’ll see how creative I can be,” Brian said.



“I’ll make an artist out of you yet.”



“I’ve been told I’m already an Old Master.”



“I won’t go for the obvious joke about old, but who told you this?”



“I think you told me I had earned my masters papers a while ago,” Brian said.  He had been thinking of Dick’s Master reference, but decided this was not the time to bring up that name.



Brian stood up with Justin’s legs wrapped around his waist.  He was still impaled on Brian’s renewing hard-on.  Brian walked them up to the bedroom like that.  Justin kissed him all the way to the bed.  Brian knelt on the edge of the bed, and gently pushed Justin back.  As he did so, he freed his cock as carefully as he could.  Justin looked at him longingly, as he disposed of the condom.  Justin had not come to orgasm yet, and his cock was erect and swollen.  Brian smiled down at him and thought it was time for some fun and games.



He slowly undid the buttons of his shirt.  Justin was almost salivating, as Brian took off his pants.  His own erection bounced against his stomach.  He picked up his shirt, and gently flicked it out over Justin’s chest and stomach.  He slowly pulled it back, making sure the soft silk slid over Justin’s straining cock.  Justin’s hips pushed up in response.



“Don’t move,” Brian commanded, and he repeated the process.  Justin’s head rolled from side to side, but he kept his hips still.



“Impressive,” Brian commented.  “I didn’t think you would be able to stay still.  Let’s try that again.”



Justin bit his lip as the soft silk flowed over his penis.  Involuntarily, his hips bucked up.



Brian grinned.  “Gotcha!” he said.



Justin grimaced and said, “Fuck me, Brian.”



“Oh, you’re going to have to beg a lot more then that, before I fuck you.  There are several more activities before we get to the big F.”



Justin looked at him with wide eyes and grabbed his own dick.  Brian swatted his hand away.



“Bad boy!  It’s time you learned more self-control,” he said to Justin.



He knelt on the side of the bed, his mouth near Justin’s penis.  He blew a soft stream of air over the tip of Justin’s cock.



Justin cried out, “Oh shit, Brian!”



“Shall we try that again?” Brian asked, blowing across the tip again.  Justin writhed beneath him.  “Stay still, I said!”



Justin quieted down.  Brian lay beside him, looking intently at him.



“Um.  Let’s see.  What shall we do next?”



Justin looked imploringly at him.  “Fuck,” he said hopefully.



“We’re not even close.”



Justin groaned.



Brian reached down and spread Justin’s legs.  He kissed up one inner thigh and down the other.  He could see Justin’s cock twitch in response.  He leaned in between Justin’s legs and took his balls in his mouth, rolling them around.



“Oh, God, Brian!  I can’t stand it!”



“Yes, you can.  Discipline is important for the young.”



“Please, please.  I’m going to explode!”



“Your begging is improving,” Brian noted, giving him a perfunctory kiss.



“Please, I’ll do anything!  Please, Brian!”



“Better still.”



“Please with honey and jam.”



Brian squeezed Justin’s nipples, giving a little tug to the nipple ring with his teeth.



“I’m going to kill you if you don’t fuck me,” Justin spat out in desperation.



“Bad boy!  Threats won’t get you anywhere,” and Brian gave him a gentle swat.



“I’m sorry.  But please, I’m going crazy!  I can’t stay still.  I’ll have to jerk off, if you won’t help me.  Please, please, please!  I’m begging you from the bottom of my soul.”  Justin was clearly frantic.



Brian grabbed Justin’s dripping cock, and lapped up the pre-cum.  He took all of the throbbing organ into his mouth.  He sucked up and down a couple of times, and that was all it took.  Justin shot into Brian’s mouth again and again and again.  Brian swallowed each time.  He gave one last suck to the tip, drawing out the last of the cum.  Justin was a panting mess.  Brian leaned over, kissed him and deposited some of Justin’s cum into his mouth.



Justin grabbed Brian’s neck and welded their lips together in a long, passionate kiss.



“That was fucking fantastic!  But are you trying to kill me?  I thought I was going to die.”



“I’d never do that.  Where would I find another such willing victim to torture?”



“Meanie,” Justin said.



“I’m crushed.  How can you call me such a name?”



“Asshole.”



“I think I like ‘meanie’ better.”



“Your cock’s still hard.  Want to fuck me now?”



“Always.”



“You’re insatiable.”



“Umm Humhh,” Brian agreed.



“Where are we on our road to a trillion fucks?”



“I’ve lost count.  We’ll have to start over.”



“Sounds good to me,” Justin said, launching himself at Brian.

Out of the Ashes

**************************************    



Justin pulled back the door to the loft.  Brian was seated at the computer.  He glanced up and said, “Hey!”  Justin kept walking towards the bedroom.



“Justin,” Brian said.



No reply.



“Justin,” he said a little louder.



No reply.



“What the fuck!  Justin, answer me.”



No reply.



Brian watched Justin go up the steps to the bedroom.  He made no acknowledgement that Brian had spoken to him or was even there.  He walked into the bathroom and closed the door.



“Justin,” Brian called.  “Shit! Answer me!”



No reply.



Brian looked at the closed door.  Something was very wrong.  He went over to the bathroom door.  They never closed the door.  He knew there was no lock on it, but he hesitated to barge in.



“Justin,” he said gently.  “Are you all right?’



No reply.



“I’m coming in,” Brian said, getting really worried.



He pushed back the door.  Justin sat on the floor, huddled against the far wall.  He seemed frozen except for the tears running down his face.



Brian went over to him and knelt down.



“Justin....., Justin, tell me what’s wrong.”



He reached out to touch Justin’s face, and Justin shrank away from him.  The tears continued.



“Fuck, Justin.  What happened?  Please, talk to me.”



No reply.



Brian looked at Justin.  He had to do something.  He couldn’t stand to see the boy in this state.  He sat down beside Justin on the bathroom floor.  He slowly put his arm around Justin’s shoulder.  He tried to shrink away again, but Brian wrapped both arms around him, and held on.  Justin struggled at first, but then began to slump against Brian’s chest.  As he did, he started to sob uncontrollably.  Brian rocked him gently and waited.  Gradually the sobs lessened, and Brian started talking.



“Justin.  I’m here.  It’ll be all right.  Stop crying, if you can.  Please, baby.  Talk to me.  I’ll help you, if you tell me what’s wrong.  Justin, please.”



Brian kept up his one-sided conversation until Justin seemed a little calmer.  Justin had wrapped his arms around Brian’s chest, and was holding on for dear life.



Finally, Brian thought he heard him say something.  It was barely a whisper.



“Justin.  Come on.  Talk to me.”



“Cold.  So cold,” Justin gasped.



“Let’s get you in a hot shower,” Brian suggested.



He stood up, turned on the shower, and took off his clothes.  Justin sat on the floor, staring at Brian, seemingly unable to move, but he had stopped crying.  Brian knew he would have to undress Justin.  He pulled Justin to his feet and began taking his clothes off.  The boy seemed incapable of doing anything.  However, Justin did not fight him or try to shrink away anymore.



Brian pulled Justin into the shower.  They stood under the hot spray, Brian holding Justin up, his arms wrapped around the smaller man.  Minutes passed, and Brian felt Justin’s arms wrap around him.  Brian leaned in and kissed him.  At first there was no response, but as he continued his kiss, Justin began to kiss him in return.



“That’s it,” Brian said.  “You’ll be all right.”



He led Justin out of the shower.  He wrapped him in a huge, oversized towel, rubbing him gently dry.  Then he led Justin to the bed and gently pushed him down.  He lay down beside him, covering them both with the duvet.  He wrapped himself around Justin, running his hands over his body and continuing to tell him that everything would be all right.



Brian began kissing his face, neck, chest, as well as rubbing warmth back into his arms and legs.



A while later he heard, “Brian, I love you.”  It was a faint whisper.



“I love you too,” he said without thinking.  “Tell me what’s wrong.  What happened?”



“It was so awful.  I’m not sure I can talk about it.”



“Are you hurt?  Did somebody do something to you?”



No reply.



“Come on, Justin.  Don’t stop now.  Tell me.”



“Ethan,” was the answer.



“Ethan?”  Brian said.  “What the fuck!  What happened?”



“You know I left some things at Ethan’s.  I went there to get them tonight.  It was awful.”



“What did he do?  Tell me, please.”



“He has no phone, so I decided to take a chance that he would be there.  When he opened the door and saw me, he looked like he was going to be sick.  I tried to ask him how he was, if he was all right.  He looked at me with pure hatred.  He said I had ruined everything.  His music sounded awful, he was so alone, he didn’t know what to do.  I tried to comfort him, say I was sorry.  He asked me to come back, but I said I couldn’t.  That I didn’t mean to hurt him, but I couldn’t come back.”



Justin started to shake again.  Brian held on tight until it subsided.



“Can you tell me the rest?” Brian asked.



Justin nodded.  “He started ranting that I never loved him, I used him, I ruined his life, ruined his career.  That he despised me beyond anything, that he would spit on the ground that I walked on.  He actually spit on my feet.”



“Fucking asshole!” Brian said.



“I told him I wanted my stuff, and I was leaving.  He went berserk, and started screaming, ‘I’ll give you your stuff!’  He grabbed a box that had my Discman, some clothes and some drawings.  He picked up the Discman and threw it against the wall.  He grabbed a knife from the counter and hacked through the drawings, then he started on my clothes.  He was like a madman, ripping and slashing.  I begged him to stop, but he wouldn’t.”



Brian held him tightly, rubbing his back.



“It was horrible.  The whole time he called me names - user, cock-teaser, hypocrite!  I tried to leave, and then he ... he ...”



“What?  Tell me.”



“He said I’d forgotten one thing, the piece of artwork that I had given him.  He took the knife and ripped it apart.  He said he wished it was my heart, and then I’d know how he felt.  He grabbed the pieces from the wall and threw them at me, screaming, “No talent hack!  I never liked them in the first place.  Now they’re as ugly as you are!’  I ran to the door, but he caught me and spun me around.  He said he hoped I suffered as much as he was.  That I deserved every awful thing that was sure to happen to me.  He opened the door, and yelled, ‘Get out!’  He pushed me so hard that I hit the wall on the other side of the hall and fell down.  Before I could get up, he threw all the broken things at me, pelting me and screaming, ‘Garbage, just like you!’  Finally he slammed the door, and I could get away.”



“I’m going to fucking kill him!”



“No, Brian, I’ve hurt him enough.”



“And he’s hurt you too much.  He’s not fucking getting away with this!”



“Brian, no.  I’ll be all right - after a while.  He just scared me.  I didn’t know what to do.  I was afraid he might use the knife on me.”



“How did you get home in that state?”



“I don’t know.  I think I took a bus.”



“Don’t ever go near that maniac again.  Promise me!”



“I promise.  I don’t ever want to see him again.”



“Are you feeling a little better now?”



“Some.  I was just so scared.  I couldn’t believe he was the same person I knew before.”



“He isn’t.  He’s crazy!”



“I know.  He said such horrible things.  It shook me to the core.”



“It’s all right.  You’re here now.”



“Thank God.  Don’t let me go.  Hold on tight.”



“I have no intention of letting you go,” Brian said.



Brian kissed him, welding their bodies together.  Hours later, Justin was finally asleep.  Brian still lay mostly on top of him, giving him warmth and protection.  He couldn’t sleep, thinking of how shaken Justin had been.



“Fucking Ethan!  Justin’s had enough traumas.  I’m going to kill that bastard!” Brian vowed.



He clung to Justin and finally fell asleep.



**************************************



Justin awoke to find Brian wrapped around him.  He was so thirsty, probably from all that crying.  “Big baby,” he whispered to himself, “I’ve got to stop letting people hurt me.”



He gently shifted Brian over.  Thankfully, he didn’t wake up.  Justin slowly got up from the bed and went to the kitchen.  He drank a whole bottle of water, then took another to the couch and sat down, sipping it more slowly.



Brian watched him from the bedroom.  He had awakened when he heard Justin’s words.  He didn’t want Justin to be hurt anymore either, but what could he do?  Justin continued to sit silently on the couch, staring through the curtains at the city beyond.



Finally Brian got up and went to the bathroom.  That would tell Justin he was awake, and let him compose himself if he needed to.



Brian walked down to the couch and put his hands on Justin’s shoulders.



“I can’t believe I’m asking this, but do you want to talk?”



Justin looked at him, not answering.



'At least he hasn’t been crying again,' Brian thought.



“I want you to fuck me, please,” he said rather sadly.



“Anytime,” Brian said.  “You don’t have to ask.”



“Are you sure?  I feel ugly and dirty.  Do you still want me?”



“That filth was in Ethan’s mind.  You’re still my only sunshine.



“Thanks.  I needed to hear that.  Ethan hurt me so much tonight.”



“Let me prove how much I want you,” Brian said.  He took Justin’s hand and led him up to the bedroom.  They both were still naked.



“Lay down,” Brian said.  He opened the drawer next to the bed, and took out a large tube.



“I don’t think you’ll need that much lube,” Justin tried to tease.



“Lay on your stomach and be quiet,” Brian ordered.



He squirted cool cream all over Justin’s back, and began a slow, sensuous massage.  He worked Justin’s shoulders until he felt the muscles loosen and relax.  He continued down his back, kneading and rubbing, and sometimes just gently running his palms up and down.  From time to time he would feel Justin quiver or sigh.  He smiled to himself, and started the same process on Justin’s legs and feet.



Justin’s sighs got longer and deeper.



“I’m going to fall asleep, if you keep this up.  I thought you were going to fuck me.”



“Do you want to sleep or fuck?  It’s totally up to you.  I’ll adjust my massage accordingly,” Brian stated.



“Fuck, please,” Justin said matter-of-factly.



“Your wish is my command.”



Brian squirted cream on Justin’s ass, which he had carefully avoided until now.  Justin sighed his contentment.



“Don’t get too satisfied.  I want some participation on your part,” Brian warned.



Justin giggled.  Brian kneaded the cheeks of Justin’s ass, and ran the side of his hand up and down the crack.  Justin squirmed deliciously.



“That feels great,” he said.  “I’m starting to feel more like participating.”



Brian grinned and kissed the back of Justin’s neck.  He spread his ass cheeks, and inserted a creamy finger into his pucker.  Justin hissed his pleasure.  Brian inserted another finger.  Justin was obviously ready.



Brian donned a condom and plunged in.  Justin rose up to meet him.  Brian grabbed him around the waist and held them tightly together.



“Feel better now, baby?” he asked.



“Much.”



Brian stuck a pillow under Justin’s hips, raising his ass for better access.  Justin responded to each thrust, leaning back and twisting slightly.  The twist elicited a gasp from Brian.  The pounding became more frantic, and he pulled Justin’s bottom up farther.  He reached under and began pulling on Justin’s rigid cock.



“Oh, now Brian!  Now!” he cried, and they both came at the same time.



**************************************



When the alarm went off a few hours later, Brian and Justin looked at each other and groaned.



“I could take the day off, if you need me,” Brian offered.



“That would be great, but you don’t have to.”



“Do you want me to?”



“You have a lot of work to do.  I’ll be all right.  You made me feel very special last night.  Just what I needed.”



“Anything for my only sunshine,” Brian said.



“Is that what the pendant means?” Justin asked.



“I guess so.  Yes, it is.”



“When you tell me I’m special and your ‘Only Sunshine’, I feel so great.  If the pendant means I am the only one you want, then I understand more about what you intended.”



“That’s what I meant.  I can’t envision my life without you.  Do you think we should put it back on?” Brian asked tentatively.



"I would be so happy to wear it, knowing that’s what it means.  Are you ready to put it on me?”



“Let’s do it, ‘My Only Sunshine’.”



Justin smiled and retrieved the pendant from the bedside drawer.  Brian took it from him, and placed it around his neck.



“Happy?” Brian asked.



“Very!  What an outcome to a horrible experience!”



“Out of the ashes,” Brian said philosophically.



“You should get ready for work,” Justin said.



“Trying to get rid of me already?  I give you a present and you kick me out.”

 

“You better get going, or I will make you stay here all day and make love to me.”



“And I would want to go to work because ...” Brian asked with a grin.



“Because you need to earn money to buy me more presents,” Justin said, batting his eyes and giggling.



“Greedy bugger,” Brian said, teasing.



Justin wrapped himself around Brian, kissing his face and lips.  Brian pretended to struggle, saying he should get ready for work.



Justin finally let him up.  “I love you,” he said.



Brian nodded, and kissed him.  “I love you too,” Brian whispered, barely audible, as he entered the bathroom.

The Return of Rage

**************************************    



An impossible day at work was unfolding for Brian.  He had done a few necessary things when he first arrived, but now his mind kept wandering.  He thought about Justin and how hurt he was last night.  He thought about the sunshine pendant and what it meant.  He thought about Ethan and how he wanted to make him pay for what he had done to Justin.  He thought about saying ‘I love you’, even in an unheard whisper.  He thought and thought and thought.  Doing any work was hopeless.



At eleven o’clock he gave up any pretense of working and really focused on what was bothering him.  He knew what he had to do.  He cleaned up his desk, and walked out to Cynthia.



“I’m leaving,” he said to her.



“Not for good, I hope,” she joked.



“You’ll never get rid of me that easily,” he bantered back.



“When will you be back?”



“I don’t know for sure.  Probably not the rest of the day.”



She looked at him quizzically.  It wasn’t like Brian to take even part of a day off.



“Is everything all right,” she asked.



“I’m not sure,” he replied cryptically.



“Can I do anything?”



“No.  Just cover for me, and shift everything to tomorrow.”



“Done.  I’ll look after it.”



“Thanks.”  He turned to go.



“Brian, if you need anything, just call.”



He nodded and walked out.



**************************************



Brian sat in the Jeep, staring up at Ethan’s building.  He knew Ethan was probably in there.  The severity of his outburst against Justin would have to leave him exhausted, and he didn’t have anyone to help him, like Justin did.  Brian couldn’t imagine Ethan having the resources to leave the room after what had happened.



He knew he had to confront Ethan.  He couldn’t leave things the way they were.  Ethan had hurt Justin deeply and irrevocably.  His words and actions had cut Justin to the bone.  Even Justin’s father hadn’t devastated the boy as much as Ethan had.  Ethan had attacked Justin’s honesty, his integrity, his sincerity, his art.  Justin’s father had merely attacked his sexuality and his choices.  That was a much different dynamic.  Ethan had almost destroyed Justin.



Brian wasn’t sure what he wanted to do.  Last night killing Ethan had seemed like the only viable outcome.  In the light of day and after some rational thought, he needed a better plan, but what?



A little after noon, Brian stepped out of the Jeep, and entered Ethan’s building.  He didn’t know what he was going to do, but he had to do something.



He met a student in the hallway who directed him to Ethan’s apartment.  As Brian reached the door, he hesitated, then knocked.



Nothing happened.



He rapped harder, and kept knocking.



“Go away!” a muffled voice said.



“Ethan, open up!”



“Go away!”



“I’m not leaving, so open the door.”



Brian kept pounding on the door.  All of a sudden the door opened and a bleary-eyed Ethan looked at him.  An old robe covered his nakedness, and he did a double-take upon seeing Brian.



“Filming another commercial, or just slumming?” he asked, venom dripping from each word.



“I need to talk to you,” Brian said.  “Let me in.”



“Fuck off!”  Ethan tried to close the door.



Brian leaned against the door, causing Ethan to back up.  “I have some things to say to you.  You can hear them privately inside, or I can shout them up and down this hallway.  Which would you prefer?”



“Neither!”  But Ethan stepped back, allowing Brian to enter.  Ethan closed the door, and turned to face Brian.



“Did your little crybaby send you here to beat me up?” Ethan taunted.



“He doesn’t know I’m here.  And if I had my choice, I’d cut off your balls and shove them so far down your throat, you’d choke to death.”



“So what are you waiting for?” Ethan asked, extending his hands in a gesture of defeat.  “You can’t hurt me any more than he already has.”



“And what about how you’ve hurt him?”



“He deserved it.  He’s ruined everything.”



“What you do is your responsibility, not his,” Brian said simply.



“Don’t you fucking lecture me!” Ethan yelled.



“Somebody has to talk some sense into you.  You can’t continue hurting Justin, and by the look of you, yourself as well.”



“He came here!  I didn’t ask him.  I just told him some hard, cold facts about what he did.  Why should he get off scot-free while I suffer?”



“He suffered too.  We all suffered, but it’s over.”



“It’s not over for me.  My music’s ruined.  It sounds like shit.”



“Is that why you destroyed Justin’s artwork?  Because you think you no longer have your own art?” Brian asked.



Ethan looked at him.  “You think you’re so smart, such a big man.  You don’t know shit!”



“I know you devastated Justin last night.  I wasn’t sure he would survive it.  Is that what you intended to do?”



“Yes!  He deserved it.  I told him horrible things would happen to him.  That was just the first in what I hope is a long line of suffering for him.”



“You fucking pig!  Who do you think you are?  Chief Judge and Executioner?  I should beat the shit out of you, but you’re not worth it.”



Brian moved toward the door.



“Not worth anything,” he heard Ethan mumble.



“What did you say?”



“Nothing.  Just leave.”



“Look, Ethan, Justin has been through a lot.  He doesn’t need you hounding him.  Stay away from him.  Don’t ever see him again.”



Brian watched Ethan’s reaction.  The bluster and bravado seemed to have disappeared.  He looked defeated.  Brian didn’t like that look.  It spoke of no hope.  He had been there a few weeks ago, but he had had a grain of hope that Justin might return.  Ethan didn’t even have that.



“I know how you’re feeling,” Brian said.



“No you don’t.  You have him.  I have nothing.”



“A few weeks ago, I could have said the same thing.”  Ethan looked at Brian, trying to take in what he was saying.



Brian could see that Ethan had been affected by his last statement.  Maybe he had gotten through to him.



“How did you do it?  How did you survive?” Ethan asked.



“I barely did.  I tried to drown my sorrows in liquor and drugs.  I cursed you, Justin, myself.  I thought about suicide, although I don’t think that was really a choice.  Finally I realized that I had to either give up and die, or choose to go on.  As soon as I chose to survive, things began to get better, little by little.  You could try the same process.”



“What do you care?”



“I don’t, except that what you do affects Justin.  If you continue to hurt yourself, you cause him pain.  He feels guilty enough about what happened.”



“He should ...” Ethan began, but seemed to change his mind.  “I’m sick of all this pain and torment.  I wish I’d never met him.”



“But you did, so deal with it.  Decide if you have the guts to go on.”



“I don’t know if I do.”



“You’re the only one who can make that decision, but I’ll tell you, it would be an awful waste if you decided to give up.”



“What?” Ethan looked askance at Brian.



“I may not like you.  In fact, at times I’ve loathed you, but I respect your talent.  It would be a shame to waste it.”



“You mean that?”  Ethan seemed to be grasping at straws.



“I only say things that I mean,” Brian stated.



“You think I have talent?”



“That’s what I said.”



“But I’ve lost it.”



“I don’t think that’s possible.  Misplaced it, maybe,” he said with a smile.  “But it can be found again.”



“I don’t know,” Ethan said.



“I do.  If you can come to terms with what has happened, you will be stronger and better at everything you do, including your music.  That’s what happened to me.”



“Really?”



“Really.”



“I don’t know,” Ethan said again.



“Ethan, Justin is not coming back to you.  I’ll never let him be so miserable that he leaves again.  But, in a way, this has nothing to do with Justin.  It has to do with you.  With your resolve.  You can resume your life, if you choose to.  Don’t give up.  It would be a waste.”



“I can’t believe you’re talking to me like this,” Ethan said.



“Neither can I.  Especially since I came here to ream you out, and then beat you senseless.”



“I don’t think that’ll be necessary.”



“Good.  I didn’t really want to do either of those things, but I felt you needed to know the consequences of your actions.  You hurt Justin, and I won’t let you do that again.  Do you understand?”



“Yeah.  I don’t think there will be a repeat of last night.”



“Glad to hear it.”



“Brian, ...er... thank you.”



“What?”



“I needed to hear the things you have been saying.  I’ve been wallowing in self-pity.  You’re right.  I’m the only one who controls what happens to me.”



“That’s good.”



“I don’t know how things will work out, but I’ll stop blaming Justin.”



“Good.”



Ethan looked at Brian and a little smile played about his lips.



“What?” Brian asked.



“I was wondering if you really are 'Rage'.  Do you go around curing the ills of the world?”



“Fuck, no!” Brian said, horrified.



“You did a pretty good job here,” Ethan said.



“I’ve created a monster,” Brian observed.



Ethan smiled.  “No monster.  Just hope.”



“I can’t believe this is happening.”



“What’s happening?”



“That I’m standing here having a conversation with you about hope.”



“You’re not half the cynic you let on, you know.  I guess Justin’s very lucky to have you.”



“I’m very lucky to have him.”



“Lucky to have each other,” Ethan clarified.



“Yeah.  I better go.  Good luck, Ethan.”



“Thanks.  For everything.”



Brian nodded, opened the door and stepped out.  As he turned and closed the door, he saw Ethan pick up his violin.  Walking down the hallway, Brian heard the strains of Ethan’s violin.  He was playing a sad song, appropriate and very beautiful.  Brian smiled and felt as light as air, as he almost floated down the stairs to his car.



**************************************



Brian returned to the office, to Cynthia’s surprise.  He would give no real explanation, just saying he had accomplished what he set out to do.



Cynthia could tell he was happy, not a common sight when dealing with Brian Kinney.  She was desperate to know what happened, but knew better than to ask.



“Make a reservation for two at Pappagano, for seven tonight,” Brian told her.  “I’ll be in my office.”



“Hmmmm,” Cynthia responded.



“And stop speculating about what is going on.  I’m not saying any more.”  Brian smiled and stuck his tongue in his cheek.



“Want me to get Justin on the phone, or possibly someone else?” she asked.



“I told you to stop fishing.”



“Moi?”



“Toi.”



“You’re no fun at all today,” Cynthia joked.



“I’ll try to do better tomorrow.”



“You said reservation for two?” Cynthia asked, stressing the last word.



“Correct, and I’m going to my office,” he said, walking away before she could try probing for any more information.



In his office Brian decided he better call Justin right away.  He dialed his cell number.



“Hello, Brian,” Justin responded.



“How are you doing?”



“I’m okay.  I’m working on a new piece, and it keeps my mind occupied most of the time.”



“Still thinking about last night?”



“It’s hard not to.  But I think I’ll be all right.  I’ve got you and my sunshine pendant to protect me,” Justin said.



Brian smiled.  “I want us to celebrate tonight.”



“Celebrate what?” Justin asked.



“Us, being back together.”



“I thought that’s what the brunch was for.”



“That was for other people, our friends.  This will be for us.”



“What did you have in mind?  Thai take-out and a night of fucking?”



“That sounds pretty good.  Maybe I should change my plans.”



“What plans?”



“I had intended to take you to Pappagano, and then fuck you all night, but Thai would be cheaper and would leave more fuck time,” Brian teased.



“Cheapskate,” Justin replied, laughing.



“Be ready at 6:45.  I’ll meet you at the loft.”



“It’s a date, and don’t roll your eyes.”



"Yes, sir!” Brian said.



“Later,” Justin said.



“Later.”



**************************************



Brian picked Justin up from the loft.  Justin wore beige trousers and a cream colored sweater topped with a golden brown jacket.  With his blond hair and radiant smile, he seemed to glow.  He took Brian’s breath away when he opened the door to the loft and saw him standing there waiting for him.



“You look good enough to eat,” Brian said.



“Later,” Justin promised mischievously.



During dinner Brian felt Justin’s eyes on him from time to time.  He would look away when Brian would catch him.  Brian hoped this wasn’t more of Justin waiting for a declaration of love, like he had when Brian first gave him the sunshine pendant.



They talked about Brian’s work and Justin’s new piece of art.  They carefully avoided any reference to Ethan or the events of last night.



Justin ordered a caramel crunch torte for dessert, and Brian had coffee.  After a couple of bites of the cake, Justin looked intently at Brian.  Brian squirmed a bit under the gaze.



“What?” he finally said.



“You’re not going to say anything about it, are you?” Justin asked.



“About what?” Brian was truly confused.



“What did you do to Ethan today?”



“What do you mean?”



“Stop answering my question with a question.  You know what I mean.”



“But how do you know...?”



“From this.  It was slipped under the loft door when I got home.”



Justin pulled an envelope from his jacket pocket, and handed it to Brian.  On the front was a large J.



“This is for you.  Why are you giving it to me?”



“It has to do with you.  Read it.”



Brian opened the envelope and took out a single sheet of paper.  He read:



**************************************



“J.    

I’m sorry I was so hurtful to you last night.  After Brian’s visit today, I realize I have to take back my life, and stop blaming you.  I’ve started playing again, and it sounds pretty good.  I hope your art will continue to be as beautiful as it has always been.  I’ll probably not see you again, but if we run into each other, you don’t need to be afraid of me anymore.  You’re lucky to have Brian.     

Ethan”



**************************************



Brian smiled and handed the note back to Justin.



“You weren’t even going to tell me you’d been to see him, were you?”



“No.”



“What happened?  This note is the complete reverse of the way he was last night.  What did you say to him?”



“I used my 'Rage' powers to turn him around,” Brian quipped.



“Be serious.”



“I am.  He actually asked me if I was 'Rage', going around changing lives.”



“You’re kidding, right?”



“You just told me to be serious, and I was.”



“No shit!  Come on, Brian.  Tell me what happened.”



“After the state you were in, I felt I had to talk to Ethan and put a stop to all of this.  Make him stop hurting you.  I went there to do whatever that took.”



“You don’t have to fight my battles for me,” Justin said defensively.  “I’m not a baby.”



“I wasn’t fighting your battles.  I wanted him to see the consequences of how he was behaving.”



“I can’t imagine he was thrilled to see you.”



“Hardly!”  Brian rolled his eyes.  “He was ready to pick up where he left off with you.  I got mad, and said I’d like to cut off his balls and stuff them down his throat.”



Justin almost choked on his cake.



Brian continued, “I told him he wasn’t worth the effort, and I started to leave.  He mumbled something about not being worth anything.  That was when I realized he was as hurt as you were.  As hurt as I was when you left.  I just told him that, and somehow it got through to him.”



Justin listened attentively, wonder in his eyes.



“I told him he controlled his life, not you.  He had to take responsibility for what he was doing.  Stop blaming you.  I said that when I did that, things started to improve for me.  I also told him it would be a great waste, if he gave up on his talent.”



“Wow!  Brian, I can’t believe you said all that to him.”



“Neither can I.  It’s sure not what I went there to say.”



“He must have listened, and that note is a first positive step.”



“He started playing his violin, as I was leaving his floor.  It sounded sad, but beautiful.”



“You’re a good man, Charlie Brown.”  Justin touched Brian’s hand, and his sunshine smile just beamed.



“Sh!  Keep that to yourself.  You’ll ruin my reputation.”



“I can see why you wanted to celebrate tonight.  You may have turned Ethan’s life around.  That’s big, Brian.”



“I guess so, but Ethan has to do the hard stuff.”  Brian stuck his tongue in his cheek.  “How about a couple of brandies, and a toast to new lives for all of us?”



Justin nodded and Brian signaled the waiter.



While they waited for the brandies, Justin reached across the table and took Brian’s hand.



“Thanks for trying to help me, and for helping Ethan.  He didn’t deserve the bad things that were happening to him.  You made a horrible situation a lot better.  I love you,” Justin said.



Brian looked at Justin and knew the time was finally right.  “I love you too,” he said.



Justin’s Sunshine smile lit up the restaurant.