TOURNIQUET

Brian sat on the back porch with a joint dangling from his fingers. It’d been three days since he’d heard from Justin. He knew he was in LA. Part of some new production. A filming company wanted to turn one of his new comics into a short film, and he’d been invited to act as the set director. Everything had to be perfect. But that was Justin, Brian thought. Everything had to be perfect. He’d just wished the brat would at least call him. Let him know he was ok.

He was starving for human flesh against his  own in the country house. The nights weren’t cold yet. Just cool enough to sit comfortably outside in short sleeves. He planned on buying himself and Justin a couple horses. They could go riding together. Backing the property was acres of free land, flanked by patches of pines, and he was fairly certain out there somewhere was a small stream, which he could see them camping at for a night or two

Michael had called last night. Just to chat for 10 minutes. Mikey, Ben and Hunter were planning a trip overseas while Ben was on break, and Mikey has really wanted to see Paris again. Hunter had never been overseas, much less interstate, so they thought it would be good for him.

In the distance, sun starting to disappear over the horizon, the sky was an oily mix of oranges, yellows reds. Justin would have loved this. Watching the sun set together, sharing a joint, a beer, a snog. Then later they’d have gone and sat in the hot tub for 30 minutes before heading in to eat.

Lost in his thoughts he didn’t hear the phone ringing. Later when he went back inside, he checked his phone. All that was there was a simple text. ‘Home soon. Miss you. Xxxx’

___

A further 3 days passed and no more texts or phone calls came through. Except one from Emmett, asking how he was. Did he need anything? Even the maid kept trying to occasionally glance at him, quickly turning her head away again when he caught her looking.

‘Alice, I know you’re worried. I’m fine’

‘I know sir’ 

Brian sighed. ‘He’ll be back. Soon’

‘I know sir’ 

‘Then get on with it please’

‘yes sir’

Brian turned his attention again to his work, trying to take his mind off …someone.

Late …or early Saturday morning, he thought maybe around 2am, Brian woke to a sound he thought was coming from the lounge. Laying in bed he listened. Straining his ears. It sounded like a heavy object falling Then a muttered ‘dammit’ His eyes fluttered open, to see nothing but pitch black around him. Then he smiled slightly when next thing he heard was ‘Ow!’

Thank god Alice wasn’t here he thought. His boy was gonna scream louder than a muncher in labor when he was done with him.

The door to their bedroom cracked open just enough for Justin to squeeze through. Allowing a strip of light to filter in. The room became a hazy grey, and objects now had a shape but no definition.

Justin’ slight frame edged it’s way to their bed.

He’d already stripped and just had his underwear on.

‘2:59’ Brian croaked ‘Just under the wire. I thought you’d be asleep’ Brian pulled back the duvet to allow Justin to crawl in beside him. He was shocked to feel how cold his boy’s skin was. ‘Fuck Justin, you’re like an iceblock! How could I sleep? All I’ve had from you in 6 days was a text message.’ ‘Sorry’ ‘What the fuck happened up there? You forget how to make a phone call? Come here.  I’ll get you warm’ Brian started first by planting soft kisses down the side of Justin’s neck. He’d began to really enjoy the sensation of late. Particularly when Brian would suck gently over his throat. Applying just enough pressure to cause tingles down his spine. ‘Brian…’ ‘Shh. No talking’ ‘Brian, I’m’ mmmph…’I’m sorry’

‘I don’t care sunshine. You’re here now, and your mine’ Brian’s hand began to snake it’s way under the covers, streaking over Justin’s chest, then pinching his right nipple. ‘OW!’ Justin chuckled. ‘my nipples are cold!’ ‘mmmm’ ‘mmmhmm’ Brian’s hand continued working it’s way downwards, followed by his tongue, till eventually it reached his belly button. He paused a moment, looking up through lidded eyes ‘Sunshine….you trust me?’

Justin having arched his head back, looked at Brian enjoying the sensations trailing their way down his front. ‘course I do. You know that’ Brian’s tongue was dipping into his belly button and tracing lazy circles around it. ‘I have an idea’ sliding back up Justin’s body, he took his boys mouth deeply. ‘But you have to give up all control to me.’ Kiss…’Can you?’ ‘Brian…’ ‘CAN you?’ Justin paused rubbing Brians ass for a moment and opened his eyes to look at his boyfriend. ‘…Yes’ 

Reaching over and opening the side drawer he pulled out a couple lengths of rope. Held them up in the air, so Justin could see, and grinned his goofy grin he knew made his boy swoon.

‘Game?’ ‘Fuck Brian….i’ Justin shivered all over. He couldn’t help it. Brian and he had been in some pretty high risk locations before , but they’d never really explored  sensory depravation. He wasn’t sure not being in control was his thing. But he did trust Brian, and he loved him  

‘Justin?’ ‘Huh?’ ‘Do you trust me?’ ‘Yes’ ‘Close your eyes’ Justin did as he was commanded, and he felt the weight shift on the bed as Brian straddled his hips. 

Justin sighed as he felt Brian grab first one of his wrists, wrap the rope around it and lift his arm above his head. “Brian, I’ve never…’ ‘Shh, I know. No talking’ Brian repeated the action with Justin’s other arm, till they were both secured above his head

The weight in the bed shifted again as Brian stood and climbed off. Justing had to strain his ears to try and figure out what Brian was doing. He opened one eye, but couldn’t see him. For what seemed like an age, he lay there. Brian was opening draws somewhere.

Finally Brian re entered the room carrying what looked like a long tube in his left hand. 

Moving over to the bed, he straddled Justin’s hips again.

‘Don’t worry sunshine. This won’t hurt’ 

‘A pop noise filled Justin’s ears, and suddenly he felt something landing on his chest and trailing down over his stomach sliding down his ribs, right down to just above his crotch. ‘Fuck that’s….  What is it?’ Brian didn’t answer. Instead he leant in to claim Justin’s lips in a hungry kiss.  This time forcing his tongue past his lips. Lowering himself so he was chest to chest with his boy now. Moving his body up and down to spread the oil. The friction began to warm the liquid, and made rocking up and down smoother.

Blood was rapidly filling his cock and he felt himself stiffen without even touching it.

Justin was moaning into the kiss now. He strained his arms against the rope. He so desperately wanted to touch Brian, run his hands down his back. ‘Feel good then?’ Justin couldn’t answer, simply moaned a guttural ‘’mmmm’ ‘Want me to …blow you?’ ‘yes’ ‘then beg for it. Tell me how much you missed me’ ‘ Brian please’ Brian was fighting against his own control. His own lust for this man He wanted nothing more than to just sink into his boy, but he needed to make this as much about pleasure as it was just about fucking. ‘Beg’ ‘Brian, please. I need you’ ‘to what?’ ‘Stop being a fucking tease and…’ ‘beg’ Brian slowly started to slide his way down the straining man beneath him. Nipping lightly at the oily skin. ‘Brian please. I need you inside me, please, god please!’ Brian grinned. His chin was just below Justin’s belly button now. Tickled by the fine blonde hairs that crowned his cock.  

Suddenly Justin’s and Brian’s eyes snapped wide when the bedroom door was flung open, hitting the wall behind it. Light filled the room in a blinding flash, and a man, soaked from the rain stood in the doorway, and raised his left arm, revealing a gun. 

Justin recognized him instantly, and became panicked ‘BRIAN!!’ Brian was on his feet in a heartbeat, but no sooner was he up, the intruder shot. Once, twice, then turned and fled the room.

Ice cold fear set in instantly ‘Fuck fuck fuck….BRIAN! speak to me!’ Justin could hear Brian moan from the ground but couldn’t see him’ he yanked as hard as he could at his restraints, and thank god Brian hadn’t tied them so tight he couldn’t escape. He scrambled, practically fell off the bed and crawled around the side, till he found Brian laying on the floor, eyes closed, clutching his stomach.

‘Brian! Talk to me!’ ‘Bu la’ ‘what?!’ Brian coughed. ‘Abulnce’ he manages to croak.

There was no hesitation. Justin, RAN to the kitchen for the phone

‘911, what’s your emergency?’

‘Shooting, there’s been a shooting’

‘We have your location, an ambulance is on it’s way. Stay on the line’ 

during this Justin rushes back to the bedroom , grabs the sheet off the floor and covers Brian, now curled up in a ball and shivering. There was blood beginning to seep out on the floor through Brian’s fingers 

‘Is anyone seriously injured?’ The operator insisted. 

‘My boyfriend’s been shot’ ‘Where?’ ‘The stomach’ Keep him warm, and keep pressure applied to the wound. Can you do that?’ ‘Yes’ ‘The paramedics will be there soon. Keep talking to him. Keep him awake’ ‘Ok’ Justin put the phone on the floor but set it on hands free, so he could continue to talk to the operator. ‘Brian, talk to me. You have to stay awake. The paramedics are coming’ ‘Justin?’ ‘I’m here’ ‘Cold. I’m cold’ ‘Stay with me Brian. Don’t you fucking dare leave me!’ Justin placed his hands over Brain’s and pressed. Wincing at the yell it caused.

Two hours later and Justin, numb and still in shock, still sat waiting outside the surgery. He was aware of a shadow then, and glanced to his side, to see the sad face of his best friend. They just stared at each other for a moment, before she came and sat beside him. She didn’t speak, but took his hand in hers and held tight.

‘Came as soon as I could’ ‘Daph…’ ‘Any news?’ ‘He’s still in theatre’ ‘He’s gonna survive this Justin. He loves you. I heard that’s a strong reason to fight for life’ ‘I don’t know what I’d do if he doesn’t. He lost a lot of blood. They won’t tell me anything else’ ‘Justin, look at me’ he does. ‘When Chris attacked you and you were in hospital, he came and he watched you every night. If you do the same, I know he’ll survive this. He has to. Do you know who did this?’ ‘Yeah. They’ve got cops out looking for him ‘Good. Who was it?’ ‘A man who tried to have his way with me from Bablyon. Brian stopped him, but he kept trying each time we went.’ ‘Jesus. And he found out where you lived?’ ‘obviously’ ‘Have they told you what Brian’s injuries are?’ Justin looked at her with pleading eyes ‘Daph…’ ‘Sorry. I’ll stay with you as long as you need me. I told my boyfriend I needed to help a friend who’d gone to hospital’

Daphne had stayed with Justin. Just sitting in silence. She knew just being there would help. She held his hand, let him doze off on her shoulder. But she had to rouse him when a male doctor approached, and quietly cleared his throat. 

‘Mr Taylor Kinney?’ ‘Yes. Is Brian ok?’ ‘He’s come out of surgery and is in recovery’ ‘Can I see him?’ ‘you can, but he’s still asleep. He will be able to hear you though, so perhaps you and your friend could just sit with him and talk. It’ll help bring him round’ ‘Doctor, how badly was he injured?’ the Doctor paused a minute, unsure how much to reveal. ‘ I’m gonna find out eventually. Believe me I can handle it’ Daphne squeezed his hand in reassurance. ‘Mr Kinney was very lucky the assailant was a bad shot. The bullets missed the abdominal aorta, otherwise it may have been a different outcome. It did however fracture his hip. It was a 22 caliber gun. So the bullets didn’t pass through. We have removed them both. But Mr Taylor, Mr Kinney may take some months to be able to walk again. He’s going to need a wheelchair and rehabilitation’ ‘shit’ ‘If you would like to follow me, I’ll take you to him.’ ‘Thankyou’

The room was dim, curtains pulled shut over the windows. Justin and Daphne approached slowly, still hand in hand as they came up beside his bed. ‘I’ll leave the three of you alone. Just buzz the nurses if you need anything’  ‘Thankyou Doctor’ The doctor leaves, closing the private room door behind him.

‘Justin’ Daphne whispers ‘Don’t… say anything’ They both pull up a seat next to the bed, Justin closest to Brian’s head. And planting a soft kiss on his forehead. ‘Hey lover. I’m here.  So’s Daphne. The Doctor says you’re gonna be ok. There’s just some changes, but they won’t last’ 

You could have cut the silence with a knife then. Aside from the beeping of the machines.

Brian was aware of voices in his head, but he couldn’t quite make out what they were saying. He was sure it sounded familiar. He also felt numb from the waist down. He couldn’t feel anything below his stomach. What the fuck was going on? Why couldn’t he move? The voices kept speaking to him. Telling him to ‘…come back’ come back where? Where was he? The voices kept at him. ‘ Come back. Open your eyes. Come back to me’ 

His eyes began to twitch. The he opened them to slits. Barely open enough to peer through his lashes.

He heard a female voice whisper ‘Oh my god…Justin look’ followed by a horse sounding male voice…’Brian? You’re awake?’ Tentativly Brian opened his eyes and blinked at the sudden light.

‘Justin?’ ‘Yeah, it’s me.’ ‘what…where the fuck am I?’ ‘Hospital. We we’re attacked at home’ Brian’s vision was slowly coming back into focus, and he saw a concerned face, two concerned faces peering back at him. ‘Hi Brian. I came to help’ ‘Thankyou Daphne’ ‘Can I get you anything? Water?’ Thankjs Daph. Ask the nurse if he can have something to drink too’ ‘sure’ she stood up and went to the door, but paused and turned over her shoulder. ‘Any food?’ ‘Not yet. Just water’ ‘Ok’ and out she goes, leaving Brian and Justin alone.

‘I was so scared Brian. They wouldn’t tell me how bad you were hurt. If Daph hadn’t come, I’d have been a wreck’ ‘So what’d the doc say?’ Justin hesitated.’ Justin?’ ‘You’re gonna be in a wheelchair for some time. They want you to do rehab to learn to walk again. The bastard broke your pelvis!’ a tear started to run down his cheek. ‘The fucker put you in a bloody chair’ ‘Sunshine, I’ll be fine. With you by my side, I’ll be up again in no time’ ‘I know. It’s just that…i….It’s should never have happened in the first place’ ‘Heard from anyone else?’ ‘Else?’ ‘Mikey, Emmitt, Theodore?’ ‘Oh…OH, they don’t know’ ‘Pribably best for now’

The door opened and Daphne returned with a couple glasses. ‘The nurse says no fluids yet for Brian, sorry’ ‘Not to worry Daphne. I don’t think I could keep anything down yet anyway’ Daphne hands Justm a glass and sits back down ‘I got a phone call from work, they’ve asked me if I could come in later today.’ ‘That’s fine Daph. Thankyou for being here anyway’ ‘any time’

2 Months later

Brian woke to feeling Justin trembling against his side. He opened one eye and glanced at his boy/man. The work Justin had been putting in over the last couple months to keep the manor going, and helping him in and out of his chair and driving to rehab and work were exhausting him. He’d taken on so much he was hardly getting any sleep, and when he did, it wasn’t for long. But he’d always smile, and say it wasn’t a problem. 

Brian was as determined himself to get back on his feet. No way in hell was he gonna let himself spend the rest of his life in a chair. Not on account of some asshole who couldn’t get what he wanted.

The majority of the gay community in Pittsborough  knew they were a couple, and they were gaining a bit of a reputation in New York whenever they had to visit for Justin’s shows.

The phone rung suddenly, startling Justin from his slumber. ‘Muhhhh!’ ‘sorry Sunshine, you’re up’ ‘mmm… Hello? … Speaking….Uh huh….they did?....We are? …When?...I’ll discuss it with Brian.  We’ll get back to you….Thankyou…Bye’ Justin returned the receive to the phone cradle

‘Who was that?’ ‘ The P.D. They caught him. They want us to come in to identify him in a line up’ ‘’huh’ ‘Monday work for you?’ well…’ Brian shifts to prop himself up on both elbows. ‘Well it’s not like I got anywhere else to be is it.’ Brian pulls out a cigarette from the side draw and lights up, inhaling deeply then offering it to Justin who takes it. ‘We have your physio on Monday afternoon. But if we can organize it for the morning, that could work’ Justin hands back the drag. ‘Well do it then.’ I’ll call them later, it’s 3 am. Don’t supppse I’m going to get back to sleep’ ‘well I have an idea.’ Hands the joint to Justin, ‘Something else is awake, and since I cant move…’ Brian purses his lips. A look he knows Justin adores. ‘you’re asking me to…’ Brian just stares. Justin can’t help it, he laughs. ‘You’re fucking unbelievable’ ‘It’s true, I am’ Justin hands the joint back to Brian and tosses back the covers.  Blowing Brian had to be done with some care lately. They had to be careful that Brian’s hips didn’t move too much. So he positioned himself and straddled Brains thighs between  his. Pulling down his underwear and gently grasping Brian in his hand,  he began slow rhythmic strokes up and down up and down, rubbing his thumb lightly over the head each time. 

‘I did have a little something MORE in mind you twit’ ‘oh really? You want me to swallow this beautiful thing?’ ‘bit more’ Justin grins ‘ we have to be careful. The Doctor…’ ‘ Fuck the doctor. I need to be in you. Now’ ‘give me a rubber then’ no sooner had he said it a packet was thrust into his hand. ‘ you sure about this?’ ‘course I’m fucking sure!’ within moments Justin was sliding himself on easily, and leant in to plant a few kisses on Brian’s chest. ‘Christ you’re tight!’ ‘uh huh’ continuing to rosk himself back and forward, up and down, he was starting to have a hard time controlling his own. He was feeling a little pain, but that was always part of it.  Justin could feel Brian begin to buck under him. ‘No. Keep still’ ‘ I can’t…help it’ ‘you close?’ ‘very’ Justin clinched his muscles even  tighter around Brian, and his lover came with a yell. He had to hold Brian’s shoulders down as hard as he could until his body stoped it’s involitary shudders.

Both lay on the bed for the rest of the morning. Or at least until 8am. When Justin decided they needed to get cleaned up. Or in his case, he showered, then he came out and sponged Brian down. An activity to which Brian had protested early on, but they’d both begun to enjoy. Half the time it ended up in a hand job. Which neither objected to. 

Sunday was quiet in the manor. The cleaning staff had been given the day off. Justin just wanted to spend it with Brian. It was a warm day, and he suggested Brian wheel himself out to the porch and he’d bring him breakfast. Nudging the door open with his shoulder he walked over to where the outdoor table was. A chair had been moved, so Brian was able to wheel himself in and still be able to look out over the land. ‘What did you make?’ ‘Berry Crepes with yogurt’ ‘Smells good’  ‘It’s a recipe Melanie and Lindsay gave me before moving to Canada’ ‘Have you made it before?’ ‘Once. Last time I was in New York’ ‘It’s good’ ‘thanks. Robert doesn’t need to do all the cooking you know. I wish you’d let me do it. I like cooking’ ‘well, maybe we could relieve his work load a bit. But you do a lot already too’ ‘yeah I know. And I …’ ‘you don’t mind. I know. Justin, I want you to actually LIVE your life you know. You’re not my nursemaid. You have a job. And it’s not to look after me’ ‘ I don’t look after you cause I have to Brian, I do it cause I love you. I’ve never resented helping you’ ‘ I just don’t want you putting your life on hold because of me’ Justin leans over and lightly nibbles on Brian’s ear. Speaking through his teeth ‘M Lfe int n hld’ ‘what? ‘My life isn’t on hold. I would do anything for you. Happily. Now. Stop complaining. Cause tomorrow is Monday, and we have a lot to do. Today I just want to be with the man I love’

Tourniquet Part 2 – Judgement 

Justin lay awake, eyes open and staring into darkness. He was laying on his right side, left arm draped over Brains chest and his right hand was holding Brian’s left. He hadn’t a clue what time it was. Only that he couldn’t sleep. It was a warm night too. So the sheets barely covered them.

The line up was today. And he wondered if he was gonna be able to look at that face, and not want to leap through the window and beat him to a pulp. But he remembered his time with the pink posse. And recalled Cody’s words. That night in the ally where they’d played with the gun. He felt his dick twitch at that thought. 

‘Wanna play with it?’ ‘Yes’ Justin recalled Cody pressing the barrel up against his groin. It’s shaft had been as hard as he was. He could feel the coolness through his pants.

It was scary. But was also a thrill at the same time. And then Brian had discovered the gun at the loft. The argument had been awful. He’d visibly upset and angered Brian at the same time, and he hated doing that. Cause it was usually followed by Brian kicking him out again in a fit of rage. Ignoring him for a couple weeks, and then they’d make up.

Brian hated everything they’d represented. But he hated even more that Justin was putting himself in physical danger every time they went out. 

They still hadn’t got rid of the gun. It sat in the bottom side table drawer, but neither would acknowledge it’s existence. 

Justin’s attention was bought back when Brian began to mumble something in his sleep. Closing his eyes he sighed. He had to get to sleep. It was gonna be an emotional day for them both.

He woke again when he became aware of a persistent buzzing, then realized it was his alarm going off. 

Detangling himself from Brian, he rolled over to hit the snooze button and squinted at the time. 7am

Rolling back over to Brian he placed a soft kiss on his forehead. ‘Morning’ ‘’Mmmmph. What time is it?’ ‘Seven. It’s Monday’ ‘Jesus’ ‘I know. We need to get up and get ready. You sit yourself up, I’ll get the towels and stuff’ ‘Justin….do you think I can just sit in the shower this time’ ‘if you feel up to it. I can put the shower chair in’ ‘Thanks sunshine’ Justin smiled, then climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom. 

Brian could begin to walk now. But only short distances before his hips started to hurt him. He needed the assistance of another person or bars to hold onto. His determination and perseverance had impressed the therapists of course. But Justin also knew that Brian’s narcissism was in there too

Chair in, water running, not too hot or cold, Justin padded back to their bedroom, sat beside Brian on the bed, and Brian draped his left arm over Justin’s shoulder. Justin wrapping his arm around Brains waist. ‘Ready?’ ‘never’ Justin chuffed. ‘1…2…3’ Justin winced at the yelp Brian always gave when first standing up. The morning was always the worst. After having laid in bed all night. 

Slowly they shuffled towards the bathroom. ‘Remember what Andrew said. Try not to shuffle. Bugger steps will balance you better.’ ‘Bugger that’ ‘Brian…’ ‘I KNOW Justin!’ ‘How does it feel? Describe the sensations in you hips’ Brian gave a frustrated sigh as they eased him down onto the shower chair. ‘like someone’s poking me with flaming pokers. Like I’m on fire’ ‘and how do we put out that fire?’ ‘I’m not a child Justin’ ‘I know that. You’re almost 40. That’s why you need to listen to the professionals and follow directions. How do you put out that fire?’ ‘Slow gentle stretches, five times a day’ ‘Right. Hon, I know you hate therapy days, but it’s necessary to your recovery. Remember the liberty ride?  The lead up? You were so determined to do it, you snuck out every night to go to the gym. You wouldn’t take shit from anyone, and you did it. Even finished with a fucking broken collarbone. So where is that Brian? The one who doesn’t give up? The one who says, Fuck em all?’ Brian glared at Justin. When did you become fucking Mary Poppins’ ‘since we’re in a relationship. Since we’re in this together. And I’m not Mary Poppins!’ they both had to chuckle at that. Justin turned off the water and grabbed the towels. Draped one over Brian’s shoulders so he could dry himself and dried himself in turn.

Heading into the bedroom he grabbed Brains cloths and brought them back in. handed Brian his shirt, waited, then handed him his pants. Helping him to stand when he needed to button them up. Socks and shoes were next. But those he had to help with, as it was uncomfortable for Brian to lean over. He then went and got himself dressed, before bringing the wheelchair in and held it steady while Brian maneuvered himself into it.

‘what do you want for breakfast?’ Buttery toast will be fine’ ’The line up is at 10am, so we have a while before we need to leave’ ‘I’m coming in with you’ ‘yeah I know hon, we agreed to that yesterday. Always together…’ ‘forever and ever’ they laughed. ‘You know sunshine, there was a time where the idea of a committed long term relationship would have sickened me’ ‘I recall’ ‘I told Ted my reason why about 5 years ago’ ‘Can you remember what you said?’ Justin handed Brian a plate of toast and dropped a couple slices in the toaster for himself. ‘Mmm. Something like. My mother is an ice cold bitch, my father an abusive drunk. They couldn’t work out their own relationship. They caused my drinking and drug abuse issues, and pretty well taught me that long term relationships weren’t worth the effort and pain they caused’ ‘So the reason you took me for granted was cause of your parents?’ ‘pretty much’ ‘huh’ ‘Justin, you know I love you.  I’m just not good at SAYING it’ ‘I know Brian. You show me in other ways. It’s ok’

The next couple hours where spent peacefully. Brian got on with some work, spoke on the phone to Cynthia once about a new account. While Justin sat opposite him at the table and continued on a free hand sketch he was drawing. One he’d began turned out to be of Brian. A lot of his sketches were based around Brian somehow. But he never sold those. This one was of Brian reclining out on one of the deck chairs before he’d been injured. He’s been asleep in the sun. sunglasses over his eyes and a cowboy hat tilted down slightly to half shade his face. A towel was loosely draped in folds over his hips.

‘it’s 9am’ Justin looked up startled out of his trance. ‘Huh?’ ‘It’s 9’ ‘Oh.’ Justin closes his book and arranges his pencils and supplies neatly on top. ‘ Am I ever gonna see that one finished?’ ‘Eventually’

Justin stood and went round the side of the  table, leant in and planted a soft kiss, but one that lingered and conveyed how much he loved this man. Brian’s hand came up by reflex and cupped the back of his head at the base of the neck. ‘I love you Brian Kinney’ ‘I love you Justin Taylor’

45 minutes later they were pulling up to the police station. Justin found a disabled parking space close to the doors, and parked. ‘Ready for this?’ ‘ No. Not really. Just want to get it over with and get out’ ‘ I feel the same. C’mere’ Justin leant in for a kiss that was deep and passionate. Not giving a dam, about the passing officer who peered through the window as he approached the car. Knocking on Justin’s window, indicating he wanted to speak.

‘Morning officer’ ‘do you have a parking permit for this space?’ Justin put on his brightest smile. ‘ Of course. My boyfriend’s in a wheelchair’ ‘well make sure you display the permit correctly before leaving your vehicle thank you.’ The officer walks off and into the station. Justin’s smile fades ‘Jeeze’ ‘Don’t let it get to you. We’re in we’re out. That’s it’ ‘yeah’

Walking into the station was confronting. There was the main foyer with the front desk, and chairs in the waiting area off to the left. There weren’t many people in the waiting room. ‘Hon, go wait, I’ll speak to the officer at the desk’ ‘ you sure?’ ‘Yeah. I’ll be fine I’ll be with you in a minute’ Brian wheeled himself off to wait in the far corner away from other waiting people.

‘Next’ Justin approached the desk. ‘Hi. My name’s Justin Taylor. I’ve been called in to identify a suspect in a shooting’ ‘Ok Mr Taylor. Please take a seat, and someone will call for you shortly.’ Thanks. Oh, my uh. My boyfriend is here with me. He’s coming in with me’ ‘Ok. Thank you. Please take a seat’

Justin wonders over to sit next to Brian and takes his hand. Just wanting to be connected.  People were chatting quietly amongst themselves. Brian couldn’t help notice a woman who was sat in a row a couple seats facing them. She was trying to look at them but pretend she wasn’t. She was failing miserably. Brian leant in and whispered to Justin. ‘Check out the phobe eyeballing us’ Justin squeezed his hand gently. ‘I’d say if we weren’t in a police station we should give her something to really stare at’ they both chuckled ‘Why Mr Taylor. You surprise me. This isn’t Liberty avenue you know’ ‘Justin laughed ‘Shhh. How much you think we could get away with in here?’ ‘Not much more than a kiss I think’ ‘wanna try?  Give her something to really stare at?’ Brian pursed his lips. ‘Plant one on me baby’ Justin happily obliged. Leaning in so he could still see out the corner of his eye, but kiss Brian lightly. Lingering for longer than they should have. The woman huffed, and switched chairs so she had her back to them

‘Do we know how long we’ll wait?’ ‘mmm no. the sergeant just said they’d call us’ 

10 minutes passed before they were called. A short woman with masses of dark curly hair motioned for them to follow her. She lead the way down a narrow hallway, Justin behind her, and Brian wheeled in behind. They were lead into a moderately sized room, with a small desk up against a wall with a couple chairs. Above the desk was what appeared to be a large mirror. But Justin and Brian already presumed it was one of those one way windows that only they could see through. She moved one of the chairs to allow Brian to position himself, and indicated for Justin to sit. 

‘They’re going to bring in 3 sets of 5 suspects. If you see the person who attacked you, please say the number card he is holding. We will proceed shortly’ 

‘Thanks’ 

The woman leaves the room but leaves the door open. Brian turns to Justin and takes his hand.

‘You ok?’ ‘I can do this Brian’ Brian squeezes his hand tightly ‘Can you?’ ‘Sunshine, If I weren’t in this chair, id knock him out cold’ ‘yeah I know hon’

The woman returned a few minutes later, a light went on behind the ‘mirror’ and a white wall painted with black height lines was visible. The woman pressed a button on the wall ‘ First group to enter’

A line of men, all in their 20’s to 30’s entered the room holding cards in front of them. Numbered 1 to 5

‘Do you recognize any of these men Mr Taylor?’ ‘No. He’s not there’ ‘ you’re positive?’ ‘ yes’ she pressed the button again ‘Men if you will, move out. Next group thank you’ The next group walked in after the first 6 to 10. Soon as they faced the window, Justin’s hand gripped so tightly in Brian’s it made him jump and flinch. ‘Ow!’ ‘Fudge! Sorry’ he let go of Brian’s hand who then shook it to try shake off the tingles. Ice seemed to run down Justin’s spine as he recognized the suspect instantly. ‘Him. That’s him’ ‘Which number Mr Taylor?’ ‘Uh 3. Number 3’ ‘Please identify the suspect by name’ ‘He said his name was Cameron …uh, Cameron Gould’ ‘Thankyou Mr Taylor. You and Mr Kinney are free to leave’ ‘But do we need to sign anything or’ ‘You will be contacted at a later date to attend if a date is set for his conviction hearing’ ‘Oh. Well ok. Thank you’ she simply nods acknowledgement and leaves. 

‘Sorry I hurt your hand’ ‘It’s fine. Lets just get out of here’  

Back sitting in the car again, engine not running, they just sat. Brian had his eyes closed, but then Justin noticed wetness on Brian’s cheek, and shifted in the seat to caress and turn his head to face him.

‘Talk to me’ ‘I’m sorry’ ‘For what?’ no answer ‘For what Brian?’ ‘I should have protected you’ ‘This is not your fault! We were lucky!  If you consider getting shot in the pelvis lucky…my point is, if you hadn’t been there, I’d probably be dead. Again. So don’t you believe for a second any of this is your fault. The only person to blame here is that asshole back there in the station. They have him now. And we’re safe. You saved my life twice Brian. Twice!’ Brian’s face contorted as he let his guard down, and the tears began to flow more freely. ‘Look at me. You SAVED my life!’ Justin reached into his pocket and pulled out a tissue 

‘Here, it’s clean’ he softly wipes away at the tears, then kisses him gently on the nose, then softer on the lips. Salty from the tears.  ‘We have a couple hours before the therapists. Where do you want me to take you?’ ‘I’m craving something salty’ ‘Salty, hmm. How about we share some hot chips down at the pier?’ ‘Ok’ ‘Ok’ Justin sat back up, switched on the engine, and they drove off to Sea Dogs Shop.

***

Justin was quiet driving to the therapists. He’d be glad when this day was done. He just wanted to be home with Brian. Either curled up to him on their bed, not asleep, or on the couch. Just wanted to be wrapped up in the arms of his love. Not thinking, just being together. Warm and comfortable.

He hated therapy about as much as Brian did. Wanting to hold his hand and support him.  But he had to sit in the chair and watch from the corner. 

They pulled into the hospital for what felt like the hundredth time and parked in their usual spot. His stomach dropped as he glanced across at Brian’s stoic face.  He always got this way when they pulled up to therapy. Without speaking, Justin got out, hauled the chair out the back of the car and wheeled it round to the passenger side. Brian slid in, and Justin closed the door. Locked the car.

They made their way through the hospital. Familiar route, into the elevator, up to the 6th floor and around the corner to the reception area. Kirsty the receptionist was a bubbly blonde who was always smiling. 

‘Good afternoon Mr Kinney, Mr Taylor’ ‘Hey Kirsty’ ‘I’ll let her know you’re here’ ‘Thanks’ 

They moved off to the waiting area. They both knew what was coming. The therapist was nice. She really was. She was patient and understanding and always worked at Brian’s pace. But she knew how far she could push him as well. Justin thought to himself. She seemed to know just how far she could go without causing Brian to react in frustration. She’d been witness to one of his outbursts early on. Nearly resulting in Brian falling flat on his ass cause he tried too hard. 

‘Justin!’ he was pulled from his thoughts by an irritated Brian ‘Mr Taylor? If you’d like to join us?’

“Sorry. I was thinking’ ‘come on inside. We’ll get started’ ‘uh huh’ 

Sharon held the door open to the spacious training room while the men entered. ‘Have you had a good morning?’ Justin shrugged. ‘We had to go identify the suspect this morning’ ‘Oh. Did you?’ ‘Yeah they have him.’ ‘Well that’s a relief. Glad to hear it’ Justin took his usual place in the char at the back of the room. He felt awful. 

‘Mr Kinney, are you ready?’ ‘Always ready Sharon’ He forced a smile. He wheeled himself into position at the end of the parallel bars and locked the wheels in place. 

‘Ok now Brian. You remember to lift from the chest and stand as tall as you can. You’re gonna push up nice and strong on 3’ Brian gripped each of the bars. About elbow height from his seated position

‘1..2..3’ Brian pushed himself to stand and grimaced, but didn’t make a sound. Justin watched silently from the corner. Repeating in his head. – you got this. 

Brian was taking slow even steps. Sharon quietly encouraging him. She looked over at Justin and smiled. 

‘Mr Taylor. Would you step over to the end of the bars here please. I’ve come up with an idea’ She’d never asked him to be involved before. So it took him a little of guard. He made his way over and stood at the end. Hands in pockets. Brian was about halfway to the end and paused watching them. 

‘This is something a little unethical, and not something I would do in other cases. But I think in Mr Kinney’s it would aid recovery.’ Both men stared at her. ‘Mr Kinney, I would like for you to picture a scenario in which you need to get to Mr Taylor. As though you’re life depends on it. Find a strong motivation and focus on that rather than simply placing one foot in front of the other. Mr Taylor, when he reaches you, you will kiss him’ Justin raised his eyebrows at her, and Brian glanced between her and Justin. ‘Beg pardon?’ ‘Desire is a strong motivational tool. It is also something I’d like you to do at home as well. Walk short distances, but also make sure to have something to balance you. You need to start walking on your own without holding anything. You’re ready. Mr Kinney. Please remove your hands from the bars and walk to Mr Taylor’ Justin sighed. Dr, please call us Brian and Justin’ ‘sure. Brian, if you will’ she gestured to the bars. 

Justin pulls his hands out his pockets and faces the bars head on. ‘Ok. Bri. Uh,’ he takes a deep breath ‘Hobbs is about to swing…’ Brian’s eyes narrowed. And he started towards Justin, wobbled a bit, but kept moving towards him. Taking about several steps before reaching Justin and grasping his head between his hands, he planted a fierce kiss on his mouth. ‘Brian, Turn around and walk back towards the chair but don’t sit. Use the same motivation, but different story. Don’t hold the bars. Justin, stand by the chair. What is his motivation?’ Again and again Justin paced to the opposite ends of the bars. Coming up with past memories, and encouraging Brian to reach him.

After 20 minutes Brian was physically exhausted and had to sit. ‘You did well today Brian’. She smiled. I want you to keep practicing this at home. Next time I see you, I’m hoping I can tell you to be gone with the chair. But you’ve got to want it.  I know you can do this.’ 

Therapy was finished for the day. And all both men wanted was to be home. And that’s exactly where they went. Collapsed on the bed and dozed off clutching each other tightly

Months passed and Brian had made remarkable recovery. So much so that Justin would often come home to find he wasn’t there. That he’d been going out clubbing. He’d even come home to find Brian with some stranger he’d picked up. It’d caused some strain and more then a few arguenents. Until one day, the argument got so bad, that Justin in his anger, took off his ring and stormed out.

Did he really just do that? Walk out? Brian slumped in the chair. How could he have been so stupid. He loved Justin. And it took him 5 years to admit that. Even longer to propose, and FINALLY say yes, and he blows it all on a stupid lapse of judgement. A one night stand. Guess old habits really do die hard he thought. Even after everything they’d been through. 

Brian wondered if he’d ever see sunshine again. If he’d ever wake up by his side, swim in the pool, enjoy his cooking. 

He was an asshole he thought idly. Justin had only ever loved him. Gave him everything he had, even when he should have left. But he’d often say ‘You’re not getting rid of me’ had he actually done it this time? Had Justin had enough? Brian deserved nothing less. He scowled. He didn’t deserve anybody’s love really. Yes his childhood had been …he parents hadn’t really ever cared. But he was a man. He had the choice to not be like them. And now his marriage could be over before it had a chance to really begin.

Something caught his eye on the table. Justin’s sketch book. Had he forgotten it? Or had he just left it behind? Brian wasn’t sure. He picks it up and begins to flick through the pages. His work really was exquisitely detailed. Capturing so much detail in the models eyes, lips, hands. There was one of an old man he’d drawn. A homeless man, they’d seen while he and Justin were out at a café one weekend. The man had been sitting not too far from them. But in his eyes, you could see a lifetime of memories. In another picture, there was a little girl playing with her daddy. Such innocence. When he came to the last sketch, he held his breath. The last picture Justin had finished, was one of him and Justin at their wedding. He’d drawn the picture off a photo Melanie had taken on the day. He’d told Brian he was going to frame this one. Would that ever happen now?

Justin pulled up to the apartment block Daphne lived in, and got out. A 3 story building with landscaped gardens out front. Making his way to the doors he buzzed the intercom.

‘Hello?’ ‘Hi. My Name’s Justin, I’m a friend of Daphne’s’ ‘Oh, she told me you were coming. I’ll open the door’. ‘Thanks’ There was a beep and the lock released for him to push his way in. Up the lift he made his way to apartment 20 and knocked. 

‘Hey, Justin, come on in.’ the roommate stood aside she let Justin past with his suitcase.

‘can I get you a drink? Coffee? Tea?’ ‘Uh, tea’s fine thanks’ ‘I’ll show you the spare room. You can dump your bag in there.

Minutes later they were sitting on the couch cradling a tea each.

‘So, do you mind my asking? What did your uh…boyfriend? Do?’

‘Husband’ ‘Oh shit’ ‘I came home to find him with another man in out bed’ ‘Jeeze, I’m sorry man. Really. How long have you guys been married?’ ‘3 Months’ The girl’s eyebrows went up. ‘My god…what are you going to do?’ ‘I really don’t know. Do you mind if we don’t talk about it anymore. I just need to not think about at the moment’ ‘Sure. Well Daphne’s at work. She usually gets home about 6pm’ ‘Right. Can i…I don’t meant to sound rude. The tea’s great. But I just need to lay down for a while’ ‘Sure. Take as long as you need’ ‘thanks.’ ‘ I’ll clean the cups, you go on in’. Justin stood and made his way to the spare room, closed the door, climbed on the bed, cuddled the pillow, and began to silently cry.

Brain lay on his back on the bed, smoke between his fingers, and staring at the roof. 

Justin lay on his stomach, hands either side of the pillow

Brian pours himself a black coffee 

Justin rolls to his back – eyes still closed, face streaked with tears

Brian stares at his phone

Justin opens his eyes and turns his head to look at his phone

Brian flips through Justin’s sketches again

Justin sits up on the bed stares out the window.

There was a quiet knock on the door, and Justin looked towards it. ‘Come in’

The door opened and Daphne walked in. Sad expression on her face, and came to sit by her best friend. She took his hand in hers, but didn’t say anything. She didn’t have too. In all the years they’d been friends, they’d developed an almost silent language. She knew to wait, and Justin would talk when he was composed enough. She could tell he’d been crying. His face was red and his eyes looked sore.

‘How could he Daph’ ‘Justin, I don’t know what to say that’s not gonna sound mean or insensitive. But I know you love him’ ‘Daph you can say anything you want about him. Cause right now I feel the same’

‘You want to kill him?’ ‘We’re 3 months into what’s supposed to be forever’ Daphne swallowed and looked down. ‘You can stay for however long you need. You’ll always have a place here’ ‘Can you just…lay with me a while?’ ‘of course’ Justin shuffled back, and lay on his left side, while Daphne moved up and rested on her right, They embraced in a front on hug, and both dozed off in each other’s arms. 

When Justin woke, he discovered Daphne had shifted at some point, so her back was now to his chest, and she’d pulled his arm around her waist and was holding his hand in hers.

Despite his raw emotions, he half smiled. Daph had always been there for him. Had always known exactly what he needed.  She lay so still in his arms. Stomach rising and falling with each slow breath. Her hair smelt like strawberries, and her tan skin like honey. The door opened silently and the housemate popped her head round the corner. Mouthed ‘Off to work’ and disappeared again.

He lay still. Listening to his heartbeat in his ear. He used to love laying his head on Brian’s chest and listen to his heart thump. It would often sooth and comfort him.

Brian was drinking whiskey directly from the bottle and smoking. How much he’d had to drink today he’d lost count, but it was a lot. dinner time came, but he wasn’t hungry. He’d huffed around the house all day. Angry at himself. 

Daphne woke finally, turned her head to look back at blue/grey eyes. Eyes that looked hollow and tired. Shifting so she was facing her friend again, she raised her left hand to trace the side of his face. 

‘Wanna move yet?’ ‘No’ their foreheads came together, then noses, then lips paused, barely millimeters from touching. ‘Justin…’ ‘it’s just…’ ‘Lips’ the gap was closed in the slightest of touches, lasting longer then it should.  Daphne smiled slightly. She couldn’t help it. ‘You know for a gay man, you’re a good kisser’ ‘Only good? Must be doing it wrong then’ they both smiled. ‘What’s going on here Justin’ ‘Nothing. I just miss him already. I’m sorry’ ‘ Don’t be. It’s natural to want physical comfort when you’ve been betrayed’  Justin sighed and rolled onto his back half pulling Daphne on top of him, which caused her to involuntarily ‘Oooof!’ 

A week later and Brian still hadn’t had any communication from Justin. Had no idea in fact where he’d gone. Who he was staying with. He’d dragged himself to work the last 4 days if only to get out the house for some hours. To focus on other things. He’d snapped at Cynthia and Ted a couple times out of frustration. Ted because he’d tried to offer some advice. And Brian really didn’t want to hear it. Cynthia because she’d basically told him he was an ass for doing what he did. And fucking potential clients would no longer be stood for by ‘your husband’

Another week passed, and still nothing. He’d picked up his phone a few times, and nearly called Justin himself. But always ended up not dialing. The work week bled into the third and fourth, and before he knew it, a month had passed, and no attempts to contact each other had been made

He was sitting at his desk, when a knock came at the door. Without looking up he mumbled ‘Enter’

The person approached his desk, took a seat and waited. Brian raised his head from his paperwork and stared. Justin sat opposite him. 

‘Coffee? I’ll get Cynthia too…’ ‘No. I’m not staying’ ‘ I see’  ‘I’ve been considering my life. Where I want it to go, what I want to achieve…who I want to spend it with.’ ‘Uh huh’ ‘And my ambitions, my desires, haven’t changed…and neither have you’ Brian lowers his head. ‘When we got married Brian, I thought things were gonna be different. But I was fooling myself. So I’ve realized I have to put myself first.’ Brian looks at Justin with desperate eyes.  ‘This isn’t working. It never really did. Brian…I love you. But I can’t do this anymore. I won’t’ Justin stands and leaves. Brian watches him disappear round the corner and out of sight, 

END