Chapter 1

It started like any other Sunday.  Brian had run to the office to pick up some boards that he needed to look over for the week, and I had stayed in the bed waiting on him to get back.  I couldn't have known that in the next ten minutes my life was going to be forever changed, or that things that I had always taken for granted were going to be stripped from me.

I had just rolled over to go to the bathroom when my phone started ringing.  Fumbling around I found it laying just beside the nightstand on the floor.  Bemusedly, I wondered when it had gotten there.  As I looked at the caller ID, I saw that it was my sister calling.  In the short time between answering the phone and registering the fact that it was my sister calling me at an ungodly hour for a 15-year-old, I had this niggling feeling at the back of my head that something was not right. 

"Hey Mollusk, watcha doin' up so early?"  The sleep still hadn't found its way out of my voice yet, so I sounded kind of out of it I know.

"Justin..." her voice was hesitant and put me on alert, "Justin, Mom died."

Now, two things...one sometimes your brain in the process of trying to wake up can hear things that haven't really been said, and two, shock will make you believe and say some stupid things.  So, I am only guessing that is why my response was "No she's not Molly, she's just sleeping."  For the past year, Mom had been having problems sleeping, so as a last resort option, the doc had given her some sleeping pills.  If she happened to take one, then it was almost impossible to wake her, and if you did, she was zombie like for at least a couple of hours.

"No Justin, she's dead. The ambulance people are here and they say she's not alive."  Molly's voice, while strained was reasonably calm.  As I look back on it, maybe it was shock, maybe it was just her way of shutting it out, but it struck me as eerie.

"Molly, do me a favor and let me talk with one of them."  My mind still not wanting to believe the evidence presented to me by my sister.  The paramedic must have taken the phone from her because the next voice I hear is unfamiliar and professional, "Sir, we have run all diagnostic tests and I'm sorry, but she is deceased." 

Two things happened to me simultaneously, first I had this hot and cold feeling spread throughout my entire body, sort of like a wave of electricity.  And second, my mind emotionally shut down.  "Wh-what do I need to do?"  And thank God that I got a paramedic that could sense that I needed a sense of direction and could immediately answer, "The corner will be in shortly, he will have some forms for you to sign.  Just tell him what mortuary you intend to use and he will set that up for you."  Given some form of direction I simply thanked the man and told him that I would be there as soon as humanly possible.

Once the click signaled the end of the call, thoughts descended at a rapid pace.  The cacophony of sounds in my mind had no order, but the simple mantra that I could reasonably pick out was "okay, okay, okay."

It wasn't long before I was ringing Brian, to try and help me make sense of everything.  I needed him with me now.  He needed to know.  He...He...He....I wasn't sure.  I wasn't sure what I really needed from him and the coming days only served to prove that. I left, what I can assume was a coherent message and told him to hurry.  At that point I was without reason or thought, purely acting on some primeval instinct.  The first, was to secure those around me, to close ranks if you will.  Rushing around the loft, I hastily put on some pants and a blue sweater that was lying over the couch.  My sneakers by the door were almost an afterthought as I looked around for my wallet and the keys to the Honda Element, I had only bought a week prior.

My brain was on auto-pilot as I set the alarm, locked the door and drove across town to Mom's townhome. 

When I arrived, the paramedics were still hanging around outside and the neighbors were all standing in their yards looking curious but unwilling to approach.   For a moment I just sat there in my car taking deep breaths and repeating my mantra of "okay, okay, okay."  I knew without a doubt, that I was about to take on one of the hardest challenges of my life.

I stepped out of my vehicle and walked to the front door of the townhouse that was never my home.  The door stood open with medical personnel walking in and out.  What struck me as odd was inside the house, it was utter silence.  No TV was playing with Molly's favorite tv shows, no radio was on to the soft rock channel that my mother favored.  Instead it was an utter silence.  My mind still not really right thought the silence of the dead. 

That's the other thing...nothing seems appropriate.  My thoughts, feelings, words...nothing seemed to fit right.  It felt as if an alien had taken up residence in my body, my skin did not feel like its own.  The only thing besides the "okay" mantra that seemed to ring with any sincerity, was my overwhelming urge to find Molly...protect Molly...wrap her in bubble wrap and stash her in a vault.  And while not a total rational thought, it did seem to put me on the right course to take care of what needed to be taken care of.

I found her sitting on an oversized bean bag chair that I had gotten her a couple of years ago.  She looked lost, overwhelmed, and tired.  All the things that I was feeling but could not in the moment let have control.  She must have heard some slight movement on my part because her eyes fell upon mine.  "I found her this morning.  We were going to go shopping for my dress for homecoming court today, but when I got up, the coffee maker hadn't been turned on."  She kept looking at me, like she hoped I could give her answers.  Answers to questions she couldn't voice, questions she didn't even know how to ask.  And at that moment, I had never felt so helpless, even after the bashing, when I couldn't even walk down the street without coming completely unglued.  "The paramedics think that it was a blood clot or an aneurism, or something, but the coroner would be the one to make an official announcement.  They said they didn't think she felt any pain."

"Molly, are you ok?"  Weird question to ask, mainly because the answer is no.  No, nothing is ok, but again, brain not fully functioning.

"I don't know Jus.  I feel numb, I don't really think of her as gone."  It occurred to me that her body was still in the bedroom just feet away from me.  Right about then my phone rang.  I didn't even look at the caller ID.  "Brian?" I think this was probably the first time my voice shook.

"Justin! I'm almost there, you ok?"  Again, with the ok question.  I couldn't say I was ok, I wouldn't lie to him. "Brian, don't kill yourself getting here," I couldn't even think about something happening to him too, "she's gone."  The finality of those words, of me saying them out loud, did something inside of me.  They broke something, but they also hardened my backbone.  If she was truly gone, then I had to step up.  I couldn't let myself drown in the waters of sadness that I could feel rushing around me.  There is a saying, by Bob Marley...I think, that goes "you never know how strong you are, until being strong is your only choice." That had never been truer than right now.

"Justin, I'm nearly there.  I will see you in a few minutes, ok?"  I nod my head only to realize he can't see me, so I replied, "Yeah, ok."

As I hung up the phone with Brian, Molly looks at me and mouths his name.  I nod my head at her to let her know that he is on his way.  "Molly, have you called your dad or Tucker?"  I refuse to call that homophobic son of a bitch my dad. 

"I tried calling him earlier, before you got here, but got his assistant.  Said he was out of town on a cruise.  I didn't know.  It's not his weekend, so..." she just kind of shrugs, "I called Tucker, and he is getting a flight out of Denver.  He was there on a teacher's conference thing."  She tucks a piece of her hair behind her right ear. "Is it ok that I'm not crying? I mean, am I not supposed to cry and be crazy acting?  That's what seems to happen to other people.  Am I a horrible person?"  I look at her and shake my head.

"Molly, you can feel anyway you want to feel.  I'm not crying.  Earlier you said that it didn't feel real, so maybe..."

Just then the coroner walks in, "Mr. Taylor?" I raise my hand, "I need you to sign some forms for me and I need to cover some things with you."  I inclined my head and look back to Molly, "Mols, Brian will be here in a sec, why don't you go outside and wait for him, for me."  She nodded back to me, "Ok."

As she turned to leave, I followed the coroner to the upstairs bedroom.  He asked me several questions which, I don't really remember answering, although I'm sure that I did and basically walked me through what would happen.  He kept saying they would take the body to the mortuary of my choosing, that the mortuary would follow up on what I would like to be done with the body, and that he would treat the body with the utmost respect.  I kept thinking to myself, HOW? How can you treat her with respect if she is always the body.  I wanted to scream at him that her name was Jennifer Taylor, she was my mother, she was a sister, she was a daughter...not the body.  But in the way that I know that he was only doing his job and being professional, I knew that those words screaming in my head could never come out of my mouth.

When we reached the bedroom, I hesitated.  And maybe out of that respect that he was talking about earlier, he hesitated too.  I could see one of her feet on the floor on the other side of the bed and my eyes snapped quickly back up.  I looked around the light blue and white nautical themed room.  My mother loved the beach.  After her and Craig split, she would take Molly there some weekends to just get away.  Some of her driftwood finds she had turned into wall hangings and picture frames.  The soft scent of her perfume seemed to drift around the room and for a second my eyes watered.

The coroner stepped further into the room and some assistants that I hadn't notice before came in behind him. "We are going to notate what we need to and then lift her onto our gurney before carrying her out.  I should warn you, sometimes muscles spasm, or you might hear a cough."  And as clinical as it sounded, I was grateful.

I watched as they catalogued the room, all of her medicines and notated the time they had entered.  It was fairly procedural, and still being numb to everything, I watched with a detached eye.  When they went to lift her up, I turned my head.  It seemed almost obscene in some way to see her like that.  Like some perverted voyeur.  Once I was sure enough time had passed for them to cover her up, I turned my head back.  They released the brakes on the gurney and started taking her down the stairs.  I walked slowly down behind them, not able to stay any longer in the room and watched as they wheeled her outside and into the back of the coroner's van.  Brian was standing right outside to door with Molly tucked into his side.  His face was pale and eyes a shade more haunted hazel than usual.  It took me a second to realize, he had lost someone too.  Although he would never admit it, he loved her just as much as she had come to love him.

"Brian?" He looked at me, and in that wordless way that we had we said all that we needed to say.  I walked down the stone steps to him and grabbed his right hand.  We stood there until the medical people and the coroner's van were no longer in sight.

"Molly?  Why don't you go pack a bag so that you can stay with us tonight, tomorrow we will figure out what else we need to do."  Brian nudged her back up the stairs.  She gave him a slight smile, to let him know that she was grateful as she walked back into the house.

As he looked to me he asked, "What do you need me to do?"  I simply replied, "You are already doing it."  And I think he finally got it.  If he held me, if he had even tried, I would have lost it, and I couldn't afford to. 

Molly came back with a small bag slung over her shouler

  "Jus, what happens now?"

And isn't that the million-dollar question.  

The ride to the loft was made in complete silence.  The only noise besides the road under the tires, was the slight shuffle of Molly's feet in the floorboard.  Brian had driven ahead of us, so it was just Molly and me in the car.  I wanted so much to tell her everything was going to be alright, but I could make her no guarantees.  I had no idea how to do this.  In the way that most kids believe, I had always thought that my mother was invincible, untouchable somehow.    That her life was infinite. 

As someone who has had their share of near death of experiences you would think that I, of all people, would know better.  It would seem that I still have a lot of growing up to do.  And as that thought enters my mind, the unbending reality that my mother would no longer be around to see me through it, cuts me to the core.

"Jus?"  Molly's voice interrupted my disturbed thoughts, "I really don't want to live with Dad."  And I really should have expected that.  It's just my mind still is not in the right place to have even thought of the logistics of it all.

"I promise you Mols, I will do everything I can to make sure you don't have to do anything that you don't want to."  That had been cemented into my brain right about the time I had seen her sitting in the Livingroom with the lost look in her eyes.  I didn't know what that meant for Brian and me.  I wasn't really sure what that meant for just me in general.  What I did know, was that Molly was all that I had left when it came to blood family, and I wasn't about to let her go to someone that would rather see me dead than to keep any sort of relationship with her.

She just nodded her head and turned to stare out the window.  Whether she trusted me to take care of it or was still in too much shock to voice any doubts I did not know.  I turned back from her and realized we weren't too far from the loft.

As we arrived, and I parked my car outside of the building, my head started to clear and kick into overdrive.  I knew that I would have to meet with the mortuary director soon. Not something that I was particularly looking forward to. I can't explain it really.  I didn't want to see her.  Something about the unnatural stillness would have made it too real.  And right now, I have to be able to get through this. If I had to see her like that; I don't know if I could have dealt with all that still needs to be done.  Maybe that makes me some weak little faggot, I don't really care at this point. All I really know is that there is no way I could look at her and still be able to get through this without completely losing my shit.

As I helped Molly grab her bags, I realize that she has probably never been to the loft.  In fact, I don't think she has been around any place that I have lived since I have been with Brian.  When I finally made my way back from NYC, she would join mom when we would go out to eat.  Sometimes Brian would be there, and she fell just like I did for the Kinney charm.  She had just started coming to Debbie's Sunday dinners about two months ago.  Of course, she had to sneak to those, since dad would have flipped his shit had he known where she was going. 

Brian was waiting for us at the lift and grabbed one of the bags from Molly.  His face was one of concern, but I could tell he was not going to comment on it.  For that I was extremely grateful.  Pulling back the heavy door to the loft, we both sat our bags down next to the computer desk.  Molly was gazing around and finally made her way to the couch where she unceremoniously plopped herself down with a heavy sigh.

"Molly, there's some stuff in the refrigerator if you want something to drink." Brian's voice sounds soft, almost as if he is afraid that if he spoke any louder he might actually break her.

"No thanks, I think I am going to try and take a small nap."  Molly says as she tries to share what was supposed to be a small smile.  It looked more like a grimace, but I can't really blame her.

Brian looked back at me and I just shrugged my shoulders.  I am not going to tell her she can't.  He walks over to me and grabs my face in his hands and kisses my forehead.  And that does it. I feel the tears fill my eyes.  That small gesture said so much to me in that instant.  It expressed the words  "I love you, I'm sorry, I am here for you, I'm sad too, and I will protect you from all that I can."  We have always communicated better without words.

He softly guided me to the bathroom where he looked questioningly at me.  I nodded back at him to let him know I was alright, but just needed a moment.  He turned back towards the bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Sinking down to the floor with the door at my back, I placed my cheek against my indrawn knees.  I let my hands wrap around my legs and just began to breathe.  Since I was told about Mom, I have felt like I couldn't get enough air into my lungs.  I didn't even notice the tears on my face until my knee began to feel cold from the dampness.

I sat there just breathing and began to think of all that still had to be done.  There was an awful irony to the fact that here I was feeling like a little boy in an adult world and I wanted to ask my mom what to do.  I was about to have do the most adult thing I had ever done.  I was going to return my mother to whatever or whomever gave her to me.

The cold light of morning hit my face and I reluctantly slid out from under Brian's warm arm.  Last night, after I had emerged from the bathroom, I had gone to check on Molly.  Brian had already covered her with one of our warm blankets from storage.  I turned to go up the stairs to our bedroom and gave him a look of gratitude.  He was laying on his side facing the direction where I normally slept.  His face was soft, a look of tenderness and sorrow.  It was a look that very few were privileged to see.

I had sat down on my side of the bed, my eyes looking beyond the frosted glass panes to stare sightlessly into the darkened living area.  His warmth along my back as he sat up to wrap his arms around my middle was welcome even though it startled me.  "I know I don't say much when it comes to the emotional shit of our daily lives, but Justin, you are the strongest fucker I know, and I love you for it." His little sigh afterwards blew soft tufts of my hair away from my scalp.  I just leaned back into him and pulled his arms around me tighter.

His light kiss on my neck let me know that he understood.  He pulled me back down onto his chest where my tears mixed with his skin and I allowed his steady heartbeat to lull me to sleep.

Now, as I drag my tired body to the bathroom, I realize that Brian is my strength.  Last night I was caving to the darkness.  I was thinking of my grief and how this all would change my life.  The truth is that I have a home.  Britin still remained ours, nestled in the West Virginian suburbs.  I still had Brian.  Since my return from NYC, he has shown me that I can count on him to not run to the clubs when things become a little too emotional from him.  So, as much as this would change my life, my world didn't just get thrown into total chaos.  Molly's on the other hand...

She had lived with Mom.  She had depended on her for her wellbeing.   Craig hardly paid child support and his new family had taken precedent to his daughter from his ex-wife.  His current wife Stephanie, a mere child herself at 24, doesn't want nor has the patience required to be a mom to Molly.  Stephanie is happy right now with the way things are.  The biggest worry for her is how Chi Chi, her nervous yipping chihuahua, is going to manage all the changes Craig has started making to the floorplan of the house.  It's funny, because when Molly told me about the dog, I nearly spit soda through my nose.  It took everything in me not to tell them that Chi Chi was the drag queen's name on To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything, Julie Newmar.  Even thinking of it now brings a slight smile to my face.

Turning on the shower, I think about all the things that have to be done.  If I can get Molly and Tucker to agree to it, Mom always wanted to be cremated.  It was something that my father was absolutely against.  He was steadfast in the traditional ways of it all, the whole wake, funeral, and graveside services.  Mom on the other hand, was of the opinion that once you are gone, you're gone.  She believed in the afterlife, God, and eternal rest.  She didn't believe in carrying on over one's grave.  It was a little too conformist for her.   A lot of her conformist ways went out the window about the time my father went out the door.

To her, a funeral was just ridiculous. She said it just consisted of pretentious people looking over her body and gossiping about her life.  Or worse, the ones that grieved over her death, but hardly shared an ounce of caring while she lived.  She said the ones that were truly grieving would be able to understand her want of cremation.  She wanted a celebration of her life, of her accomplishments, not tears.  I once told her that she was starting to sound suspiciously like Brian.  She just shrugged her shoulders and said "Well, sometimes he does have a point." 

The cool draft of air on my back let me know that Brian had just entered the shower with me.  I turned so that I was looking up at him.  I watched as the water slid down his shoulders, tracing the contours of his body.  A bolt of lust shot hard through me, and I leaned my head in to lick one of the droplets from the middle of his chest. His hands came to rest on top of my head.  I traced my tongue up his body until it reached the hollow of his neck.  His head dipped down to catch my lips and I pressed up into his kiss.  My hands scraped up the sides of his ribs and onto the back of his shoulders, where my nails left crescent shaped indentions.  He figured it out rather quickly because no sooner than had our kiss ended, he shoved me roughly into the shower wall.  It was at that point that I let loose.

"Brian, oh god..." he spun me around quickly.  My nose was flattened against the glass of the shower and my hands were pinned above my head in one of his large ones.  The friction from the glass on my cock was bordering on painful, but welcome just the same.  I felt two of his fingers stretching me, and as he was about to insert another, when I looked back and shook my head.

"Are you sure?" His face was reddened by the steam of the shower and our excretions and his eyes, while glazed over in lust, still held a note of concern.  "Yeah.." I panted breathlessly. He gave a small nod and picked up the lube from the inset soap holder.  He squeezed a generous portion into his hand and gave his cock a stroke or two.  I was never more glad than in that moment, that we had finally decided to forgo condoms this past month. 

He entered me in one swift stroke and the slight pain that followed was what I needed.  His motions were swift allowing me hardly time to catch a breath.  I could feel myself drawing closer to that moment when everything around me fell away. 

"Brian, I'm about to come..." My words were swallowed up by his mouth as he turned my head to meet his.  It hit me then; I felt my balls draw up and my release ran down the glass in front of me.  It never ceased to amaze me that I could get off on his dick alone. 

I felt him tense behind me as he found his release as well.  He held himself above me, bracing his forearms against the shower wall above my head, his breathing rapid as he dropped a kiss on my wet hair.  We stood there until I felt him slowly withdraw from my body. As he stepped back, he took me with him and washed away our sweat and come. Turning off the shower, he stepped out and grabbed a towel.  The absence of his heat left small goosebumps on my skin.

"Come on, let's go get Molly and get something to eat."  He reached into the shower and pulled me into an awaiting towel.  We both toweled each other off and got dressed.  Normally we would have finished this ritual in the bedroom, but with Molly here, we had to make some concessions.

As we walked out from the bedroom, I noticed Molly was already up and dressed.  I walked over to her and gave her a hug.  She hugged me back.  Her voice was small when she spoke, "Can we go get something to eat somewhere quiet?"  I look back to Brian.  I know that he had originally been thinking the diner, but even I am not too comfortable being around everyone right now either.

"All right.  You Taylors and your pleading blue eyes."  He gave an exaggerated shudder.  "There's a small quiet place not too far from here that we can go."  Molly reached out and hugged him.  He was a little stiff for a second and then relaxed he hugged her back.  She stepped away with a shy smile and picked up her bag from the sofa.

We all made the trek down the stairs and out onto the street. "Sunshine, we can take your car, but let me drive."  I was fine with that.  I didn't really feel like driving anyway.  I tossed him my keys and he crossed to the driver's side.  I looked back at Molly as she reached the back-passenger door.  She still had the weary look in her eyes that I knew was reflected in mine.  I grabbed her hand and gave it small squeeze.  She squeezed back for a second and got into the backseat.

"Hey you two...after we get through with everything today, do you want to go to the house?"  He was talking to the both of us but looking at me.  Again, I felt a sense of overwhelming gratitude for him.  He probably knew that I would need time away after what was coming today.  I nodded my head and leaned over to kiss him on his cheek.  Molly's voice came from behind me, "That would be nice.  Thanks, Brian."

He nodded and started the car, driving us towards mid-town in order for us to have the relative quiet breakfast that we all needed.  The rest of the day was already looming ahead of me; the quiet and the promise of Britin afterwards were quickly becoming a welcome respite.