Chapter 1

I come to your door
To see you again
But where you once stood
Was an old man instead

Justin stood outside the front door of 6 Fuller, corner of Tremont. There had been a time when he had lived on the upper floor in the loft and when this address had been his home, but that time was long gone. Five long years had passed since he had called Brian's loft his home. He sighed as he looked at the door and couldn't help but think back to how much had happened since he'd last been there.

He had been young, barely 22 and he and Brian had just cancelled their wedding plans so he could move to New York and could work on his career as an artist. It had been a mutual decision at the time and Justin had been sure that no matter what, they would make it through the separation. It would help them become stronger as a couple and have a better relationship.

He couldn't help but chuckle when he thought about how allergic Brian had been to those terms in the past. Couple, relationship. Not words that would have ever left Brian's lips voluntarily, but there had been a time when he had thought the same about the phrase „I love you“ and he had certainly heard that one leave Brian's lips.

Yes, it had taken a bomb at Babylon to get Brian to admit his true feelings for Justin, but if he was honest with himself, Justin had always known that Brian had loved him. In his own, unique Brian Kinney sort of way. Justin had just been too young and blind to see Brian's behaviour for what it had been. Everything Brian had done for him had screamed his love, but Justin had been too focused on really hearing the words. He had been too hung up on three simple words that meant nothing. Justin's need to hear those words had broken them up once and he had sworn he wouldn't make the same mistake a second time and when Brian had finally uttered those magical words, Justin had felt happier than he could ever remember in his life.

At the time he had felt like nothing could ever separate them again. Not after Brian had also vocally declared his love and especially not after Brian had asked him to marry him.

Justin shook his head when he remembered how he had shot down Brian's first proposal, seeing it for what it had really been: Brian's fear of losing him. With his best friend still in the hospital, the knowledge that both Michael and Justin could have died at Babylon, Brian had panicked and had proposed to Justin, something Justin knew Brian would have never done under normal circumstances which had been why he had said no. He had finally had what he had always wished for, Brian asking him for the ultimate commitment and he had said no. At the time he hadn't really seen it, but he knew that he had hurt Brian that day. Had hurt him by casting his feelings aside as if they hadn't been real and hadn't mattered just because Brian had only vocalised them after a tragedy had struck them.

But Brian wouldn't have been Brian if he had just given up. If he wanted something, he would usually get it and he wanted a commitment with Justin. So he had gone and had done something absolutely crazy as far as Justin had been concerned. He had bought his prince a mansion, as he had called Justin that day, and had proved to Justin that he wanted to be with him for the rest of his life. After realising that Brian had been for real and had really meant it, Justin had accepted the proposal and preparing their wedding had been the happiest time Justin could remember ever having been with Brian.

Justin sighed and looked up at what he knew to be the loft windows. Windows he had looked out of at night more often than he could count, windows he had painted by, windows he had made love by.

How had it all gone so awfully wrong? They had been planning a wedding after all. They had been happy. And then Brian had started to change, had become a person Justin hadn't known. He would never forget the night Brian had asked him if he wouldn't rather cuddle than actually fuck. Even though he had known that Brian had changed due to the bombing and its effects on their group of friends, he had still realised that this was not Brian. Justin shook his head. Not the Brian he had fallen in love with, he corrected himself.

They had argued that night and in the end had cancelled their upcoming wedding. Had decided that they would both be sacrificing too much of themselves for this union. Had decided that Justin was too young and should establish a career first before making big decisions like that for his life. Had decided that Justin giving up his chance at a career for a life with Brian was not reasonable, just like Brian turning into a man he simply wasn't to please Justin, wasn't reasonable either.

At the time they had agreed, had agreed that time apart, with Justin in New York and Brian in Pittsburgh would be just that: Time. 'It's only time' Brian had said and Justin had believed him. Had believed that after willing to get married, after being willing to make that commitment to each other, nothing would ever break them up again. But he had been wrong. So damn wrong.

For the first three months after he had moved to New York, they had stayed in contact. They had talked on the phone every day, had skyped several times a week and had had incredibly hot cyber sex. Brian had even managed to come to New York twice to visit him and had spent time with him there. They had been happy. Or so Justin had thought. Until Brian had stopped talking to him from one day to the other.

Justin had thought back to the day their communications had stopped several times over the years, always trying to find the one piece of information that he had obviously been missing from the puzzle of why Brian Kinney had stopped talking to him so suddenly.

They had skyped and Justin had noticed how Brian had looked tired and pale. He had commented on that and Brian had admitted that he had been feeling a bit under the weather for a couple of days now. Probably a stomach bug that had been going around the office, he had said. Of course Justin had instantly got concerned and he couldn't help his thoughts travelling back to the time when Brian had had cancer. Brian had noticed his worry and had almost made fun of him for being ridiculous, but when he had seen the real worry in Justin's eyes, he had calmed down and had promised Justin that he would go and get checked by his doctor the next day. He had promised that he would let Justin know what his doctor had said and had assured him that it was just the bug that was going around the office. In the end Justin had backed down, realising that Brian was probably right and he had been worrying to much. They had even managed a nice round of cyber sex before they had ended their conversation. Justin had been sure that everything had been fine between them when he had ended the conversation. How had he been supposed to know that this would be the last time he would talk to Brian in five years?

Because that was what it had been. The last time he had talked to Brian and that Brian had talked to him. When Brian hadn't called him the day after, Justin thought that maybe something had come up. He had texted Brian, had called him without success and had left him voicemails. He had done the same for two days, telling himself that maybe the stomach bug had gotten worse and Brian had been confined to his bed and couldn't answer him as he had been feeling too bad. Then the doubts and fears had come and he had started telling himself that the cancer was back and that was why Brian hadn't contacted him again. After all Brian hadn't told him the first time, why would he tell him the second time? Especially now that Justin had been in New York trying to build a career for himself. He had then called Daphne and had asked her to check up on Brian. He had contemplated calling Debbie or Michael, but those two would have gone into full panic mode and that would have driven Brian crazy. Brian would have hated him for siccing those two on him. After considering his mom, then scrapping that idea for the same reason, Justin had finally decided on Daphne. Daphne had been his best friend, he had trusted her implicitly and he had known she wouldn't lie to him and would tell him the truth about what was going on with Brian. He had also known that deep down Brian had always liked Daphne and wouldn't mind her company. They could share their favourite “Sunshine stories“ and have fun exchanging embarassing tales about him.

He had been disheartened when Daphne had called him back two days later only to tell him that Brian had apparently been doing really fine, but had refused to talk to her for long and hadn't wanted her to linger at the loft. Brian had asked Daphne to forward a message to him and he would never forget how hurt he had been when he had heard it: “Tell him that we're done. There is nothing between us and won't ever be. He is in New York and should focus on that career of his, not stay rooted in a past in Pittsburgh that will never be his future.“

Of course Justin had refused to just accept Brian's words for what they had been, a dismissal of their relationship and life together, and had gotten on the next flight back to Pittsburgh courtesy of the credit card that Brian had left him for emergencies. Justin had made his way to the loft only to be refused entrance. His entry code hadn't worked anymore and when he had rung the bell, he had been ignored. Or Brian hadn't been home. Which he had doubted at the time, but which had been what Cynthia had told him when he had shown up at Kinnetik next. She had told him that Brian had been out of town and wouldn't be back in the near future. When Justin had frowned at the reference of near future, Cynthia had just shrugged and had looked at him sadly. “That's all he told me, Justin. I have no idea what's going on and... apparently neither do you... He just left the office and that's it. I am not even sure where he is exactly. He has just told me to hold up the fort and has left.“

That had scared Justin more than anything. Kinnetik had been Brian's baby. Brian's biggest achievement, something Brian had been immensely proud of and would never dare to hurt with his behaviour. Brian had always appreciated the people working for him and had been a fair, yet strict boss. His employees had liked him because he had always given credit where credit had been due and compensation had been more than fair. Brian would have never left those people hanging. He would have never done anything to endanger Kinnetik's future.

He had stayed in Pittsburgh for another week, had hounded down Debbie, Michael, all their friends, but no one had been able to give him any information about Brian's whereabouts or the reason for Brian's sudden disappearance. Justin had been scared that the cancer had really come back, but in the end he had accepted that there had been nothing he could have done if Brian hadn't wanted his help and support and most of all his love.

Dejected Justin had returned to New York and had continued working on his art. He had never stopped trying to contact Brian, had called him several times a day, had sent him several messages and emails every day without ever getting a reply.

After two months of absolute silence and the assurance from Lindsay that Brian was still alive and apparently doing well, an assurance he had gotten on one of his regular visits to Toronto, visiting the munchers and the kids, he had done what Brian had asked him to do and had focused on his career in New York.

Lindsay had informed him that Brian had been over to visit Gus twice since he had ended all contact with Justin and had apparently been fine. When Lindsay had asked him about his silence towards Justin, Brian had just told her what he had told Daphne before as well: Justin should concentrate on his career in New York and not stay rooted in a past that would never be his future.

So that had been what Justin had done: He had focused on his career and had accepted Brian's silence. After all, hadn't Brian himself said: It's only time.

Now, nearly 5 ½ years later, Justin was back in Pittsburgh and he would hold Brian to his words: It's only time. He had become an accomplished artist, even though it had taken him more than five years to achieve that feat. Five long, agonising years in which he had been a starving artist, working several jobs at the same time just to be able to pay the rent on his shoebox apartment and his even smaller studio space. Five years of suffering because he had been apart from the one man he loved beyond anything. He knew he shouldn't still love Brian, not after how Brian had discarded him and thrown him out of his life like yesterday's trash, but he couldn't help himself. He loved Brian Kinney and the only reason he had stayed in New York and had worked so damn fucking hard for a career he couldn't care less about was so that Brian would be proud of him. Because Brian only believed in achievements and wasn't it a big achievement to have become an artist whose paintings now sold in the 5-digit area?

Taking one last deep breath, steeling himself for a conversation he wasn't looking forward to, but knew he needed to have with the man he still loved more than anything, Justin rang the bell to Brian's loft.

He frowned for a second when a voice he didn't recognise answered over the speaker, “Yes?“

Did Brian have a trick with him? It was too early in the evening for Brian to have a trick at his place. This would be the time he usually got home from work and would be getting ready for a night out at Woody's and Babylon with the guys. Brian couldn't have found a new boyfriend, could he? For the first time Justin shuddered at the thought that maybe Brian had found someone new in the five years he had been gone. What if Brian really wasn't interested in him anymore? What if Brian had truly moved on? Justin had never dared to entertain that thought and now he realised how naive and stupid he had been. Brian wouldn't have waited five years for him. That was preposterous.

Justin swallowed before he replied, “Hello, my name is Justin Taylor. I am looking for Brian Kinney.”

Justin could hear a silence on the other end, after several moments the man replied, “Mr Kinney doesn't live here anymore. He moved away about five years ago. I am renting the loft from him. I am sorry, but you won't find him here.”

Then he heard the click that indicated that the man in the loft had ended their conversation and had moved away from the speaker.

Justin took a step back and frowned. Brian had moved away five years ago? Brian was renting out the loft? That made no sense. Brian loved the loft. The loft was his home, his baby. It was their home. The place where they had made love for the first time, where they had argued and cried, but above all had loved and been together. It was their place. Brian wouldn't just give up the loft, would he? Unless... No, Justin didn't even dare to think that, he didn't dare to go down that road. What if Brian had truly moved on and left Justin and every memory of him behind? Brian had never been sentimental. What if leaving Justin behind had just been the end of a chapter of his life for him and he had moved on to a new chapter? That couldn't be, could it?

Justin went back to his rental car and thought about what he should be doing next. He had come back to Pittsburgh and so far only his mom and Daphne knew that he was back. His mom had helped him find a place where he could live and paint and had helped him decorate his new home. He had asked her not to tell Brian, whom he had a feeling for some reason she still was in contact with, or any of their friends that he was coming back and had nearly begged her not to let Debbie know. If Debbie knew that he was coming back, all of gay Pittsburgh would know and that was the last thing that Justin wanted. His plan had been to come back and talk to Brian first, before he did anything else. But apparently that plan wasn't working out. Damn! Justin angrily banged his fists against the steering wheel before he started the car and drove back to his place.

Chapter 2

“No, Daph. He said that Brian had moved away about five years ago and was now renting out the loft to him,” Justin sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He had called Daphne about ten minutes ago and ever since they hadn't talked about anything else but the elusive Brian Kinney.

“Do you think he might have lied to you? That he is maybe a new boyfriend or something? After all you gave him your name and he must know who you are,” Daphne reasoned.

“No, I don't think so. He was too old. He sounded about 50 or something and Brian wouldn't go for someone older than him. You know how he has always been about his age and image.”

“But what if he has changed, Justin? You haven't talked to him in five years. Maybe his tastes have changed or he has found true love with that guy,” Daphne went on until Justin stopped her.

“Daph, you're supposed to cheer me up, not depress me any further. Jeez, woman!”

“Right, right. Sorry, Jus,” Daphne chuckled at his small queen out before turning serious again. “So let's assume this guy is telling the truth and Brian moved away five years ago... He could be anywhere, Justin,” Daphne sighed, feeling sorry for her friend. She knew how many hopes Justin had had concerning his return to Pittsburgh especially where Brian and their relationship was concerned and she hated seeing those hopes dashed. She knew that she had always been more realistic about Brian's disappearance five years ago and she had taken to calling him an asshole and an uncaring bastard, but she had stopped when she had realised how much she was hurting Justin and how much he still loved Brian Kinney even after everything he had done to him. For some reason Justin believed that they could just pick up where their relationship had ended five years ago and could just continue being as happy as they had been before he had moved away to New York. She highly doubted that would happen, but she was his best friend and whatever he did, she would be there to support him and also to pick up the pieces once he realised that Brian probably didn't give a damn about him.

“He's still in Pittsburgh,” Justin muttered and could almost hear Daphne scrunch her brows at that statement.

“And how would you know that, my dear friend?” Daphne asked.

“Google...,” Justin mumbled, blushing slightly.

“Oh my god,” Daphne gasped. “You cyber-stalked him. I don't believe you!”

“I didn't cyber-stalk him. I merely checked the Kinnetik website, which still lists him as CEO and as based in Pittsburgh. So he must have found a new place in the city somewhere,” Justin mused.

“Not to disappoint you, but Pittsburgh has more than three hundred thousand residents. How do you think we find him? A rich guy like Brian probably isn't just listed in the phone book.”

“No, he's not. He hasn't even been back in the days,” Justin sighed, knowing that she was right. Finding Brian in a city as big as Pittsburgh would be nearly impossible. It was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

“Well, you could always go and check out your old hounds on Liberty Avenue,” Daphne suggested. “The Diner, Babylon, the baths.”

“And have everyone know that I am back and pining for him? No way,” Justin exclaimed, wondering if Daphne had gone crazy. “You know how those queens on Liberty like to gossip. I can just imagine the stories about Kinney's poor, blond twink that came back after five years and still loves him ooooooohhhh so much,” Justin said in a mock version of Emmett's queen voice.

“Would they be wrong?” Daphne asked, barely able to hide her amusement at Justin's attempt of what was clearly Emmett's voice.

“You know what? I hate you! I really hate you, Daph. You're supposed to be my friend,” Justin whined in response.

“Whining doesn't become you, you're not Michael. Jeez, don't ever do that again. I am still shuddering... And I am your friend. Your best friend and I am telling you, whatever you do, you're setting yourself up for more pain and heartbreak. What good do you think this whole quest for Brian will do? Do you seriously think you'll find him, he'll see you, you'
ll fall into each other's arms and all will be good and fine in your world again? Wake up, Jus. This is not a Hollywood movie. This is real life and we're talking Brian Kinney here. The one man that defines the word commitment-phobe.”

“If I don't feel better now...,” Justin groused and took a sip from his beer. “I know I am pathetic. No need to constantly tell me over and over. I am well aware of that fact on my own. But I can't help it, Daph. I just can't. I love him. I have always loved him since that first night and yes, he hurt me when he threw me away like yesterday's trash and I know you'll never forgive him for that, but... I need to know why he did it. I know Brian and... something must have happened and I want to know why. Was it just so I would focus on my career? Well, been there, done that, now I am back. Or was there more to it? Usually there has always been a reason for Brian to push me off one of his cliffs and... I have been a fool not to get any answers back in the day. I... I just went along with what Brian wanted and... It has bothered me for five years that I never tried to find answers back in the day, that I just accepted that I had been thrown off yet another Kinney cliff. I... Don't I at least deserve to know why? Isn't that the least he can do? After being together for more than five years, don't I deserve to at least know why he thought I wasn't worth the effort anymore? How am I ever supposed to move on if I don't know what made him throw away what we had?” Justin took another sip from his bottle, before he went on. “I am not as naive as you might think. I know that he won't just take me back as if nothing has ever happened. Hell, I don't even want that to happen. After five years... too much time has passed..., but I want to know why. I want to know why he did that to me and I think I have a right to know, don't I?”

Daphne had listened to Justin's tirade and her heart broke for her friend. Not for the first time she got angry at Brian for the shitty way he had treated her friend. Justin was right, he would have deserved more from Brian. “So, what will you do now?”

“I guess Kinnetik is my best chance to get more information. Cynthia always liked me,” Justin told her of his next plans. “And she will definitely know where her boss lives.”

“And what about Ted? What if he's still Brian's CFO? There goes your plan to let no one know that you're back,” Daphne pointed out.

“I have thought about that, too, but... I don't see any other way. I won't call Deb or Michael and... At least Ted will keep his mouth shut,” Justin argued and he knew it was the truth. Ted had been one of the first people to find out about Brian's cancer and had always kept Brian's secret. Brian had told him that he had never expected Ted to keep that from Emmett, but he had. He had kept Brian's secret and earned Brian's trust that way and Justin knew that he could trust Ted as well. Ted was a good guy and would not betray his trust either. “And who knows? Maybe Brian will be in the office and I can talk to him directly. Then it won't matter if Ted knows or not.”

“I am crossing my fingers for you, Jus. Keep me updated, okay?” Daphne asked him.

“You know I will,” Justin smiled. “How would I survive without your open ear that constantly listens to the story of my sad life?”

“Oh no, no pity. I don't do pity. Forget it. I'm hanging up now,” she laughed and then hung up for real which only made Justin laugh as well.

***

Early the next day Justin stood outside of Kinnetik's offices. He had been there so many times, but he had never felt as nervous as he did now. Maybe this was the time he would see Brian for the first time in five years. He checked the parking lot and his face darkened when he saw that Brian's parking space was empty. Well, that didn't have to mean anything. Maybe Brian had taken a taxi to work or lived somewhere in walking distance. Maybe he didn't need a car anymore to get to work.

Trying not to be too disheartened by the empty parking space, Justin entered Kinnetik's offices. He stopped at the reception desk and gave his name to the receptionist. “Justin Taylor. I am here to see Mr Kinney.”

“Do you have an appointment with Mr Kinney?” she asked and looked him up from under her glasses.

“No, I don't. I was hoping that Mr Kinney would have a few minutes of time to see me. We're...,” Justin hesitated, not quite sure how to describe their relationship to this receptionist. “We know each other and it's been a few years since we've last seen each other. I was in the area and I was just hoping he might have a few minutes to catch up,” Justin finished lamely.

“I am sorry, sir, but Mr Kinney is a very busy man. He won't be able to see you without an appointment.”

“I know that he's busy, but... could you just let him know that Justin Taylor is here? I am sure he will see me if he has the time,” Justin said with more confidence in his voice than he really felt at that moment.

“I am sorry, sir. Like I said, you'll need an appointment. Can I make an appointment for you?” the receptionist asked.

Justin knew that she was just doing her job, but she was seriously starting to piss him off. All he wanted was to see Brian and talk to him. He didn't need an appointment for that. He had never needed an appointment when he had wanted to see Brian in his office. Brian had always made time for him and his visits. But of course this woman couldn't know that, Justin didn't remember her as having worked at Kinnetik back in the day when he and Brian had still been together.

“Look, maybe Cynthia or Ted would have a minute? Could you please check if they would talk to me?” Justin asked as sweetly as he could muster, using all his WASP-training he had received as a young child.

“I am sorry, Mr Taylor. Both Mrs Moore and Mr Schmidt are busy at the moment. If you want, I can make an appointment for you for early next week,” the receptionist replied just as sweetly.

Justin sighed. He was just about to tell her to shove her appointment where the sun didn't shine, when he heard a familiar voice call his name, “ Justin? Is that you?”

Justin turned around and was relieved when he saw Ted come up to reception. “Ted, hey. I've never been so happy to see you. I was just trying to get your nice receptionist to call you, Cynthia or Brian to let me in.”

Ted couldn't help but frown at Justin's words. “Why didn't you just come in? You know your way around, Justin.”

“I...,” Justin hesitated, lowering his eyes and flushing slightly. “I didn't think that would be appropriate and... I at least wanted to announce my visit,” Justin ended meaningfully.

“So the big bad bear would know that you're here and would have time to run and hide,” Ted chuckled. He noticed how the receptionist was eagerly watching their conversation and also knowing what a gossip queen she could be, he decided to move this conversation away from her desk.

“Why don't you come to my office and we can talk there?” he suggested and saw Justin nod in relief and follow him.

“You have to excuse Miriam. She takes her job very seriously,” Ted muttered as they walked away from reception through the familiar halls of Kinnetik's offices. Once they reached Ted's office, they both took a seat on the leather sofa. Ted handed Justin a bottle of water from the fridge under his desk and looked up expectantly. “What brings us the honour of your visit? I have to admit you're pretty much the last person I expected to see today... or any day come to that...”

Justin heard Ted's last words and had also heard the slight accusatory tone in which they had been spoken. “Look, I know... I know I haven't been around much...,” when Ted raised an eyebrow at the much, Justin couldn't help but sigh. “Okay. I know I haven't been around at all the last five years... which... I think is what Brian wanted or not or... how the hell would I know since he just stopped talking to me..., but... I have moved back to Pittsburgh.”

Ted listened to Justin's explanation and couldn't help but gasp at the last statement. “You moved back?”

“Yes, I came back two days ago and am now living in a house about ten minutes from Liberty Avenue that my mom found for me. It has a nice studio space upstairs and... well, I plan to stay in Pittsburgh for good,” Justin finished when he noticed that he was beginning to ramble.

“And now you're looking for Brian?” Ted asked wisely, knowing it was the truth.

“I have been to the loft, but he hasn't been there.”

“He's renting out the loft,” Ted supplied helpfully.

“I know, the new tenant told me that he moved away about five years ago.”

Ted only nodded at that. “And now you came here, hoping to find him here,” Ted continued for Justin.

Justin heard the wariness in Ted's voice and he couldn't even blame him for it. Ted had always been fiercely loyal to Brian, Brian had pretty much saved his life when no one wanted to hire him after his drug rehab and he would be the last person to let Justin rip into Brian for the way he had been treated. Justin couldn't help but admire Ted for his loyalty to Brian, but Justin also knew that Ted was a reasonable guy and always fair. Ted had always supported their relationship and he knew Ted would help him as much as he could without getting into trouble with Brian.

“I know you probably think I am here to rip Brian a new one or to cause a scene, but... that's not my intention, Ted. I just want to talk to him,” Justin told him honestly. “I just want to know why. I just want to know why he stopped talking to me from one day to the other and why he threw me away like yesterday's trash. I..., “ Justin sighed, “I guess I just need some answers, Ted.”

Ted looked at the young man next to him and couldn't help but feel bad for him. He knew why Brian had stopped talking to him. He knew why Brian had cut him out of his life so completely from one day to the other. He had disagreed with Brian about how he had treated Justin back then and they had had many an argument about that, but in the end Brian wasn't only his friend, but also his boss and so he had gone along with Brian's behaviour. However it had never sat right with him and all these years he had wondered how Justin had fared. He had heard from Jennifer and Debbie that Justin had slowly, but surely moved on from Brian's heartbreak and had built the career they always knew he would have one day if he gave it a chance, but he had never dared to ask how he had fared emotionally and looking at the young man now, seeing his pained eyes and his hardened features, he couldn't help but blame Brian for that. Justin had been such a happy, lively young man back in the day, but now all Ted saw was a broken man.

Yes, on the outside Justin had done well for himself. He had a career, he had money, apparently he now had a house and his own studio, but he wasn't happy. One look at his expressive blue eyes told Ted as much. They had always shone and could have lit up a room back in the day, but now, even though they were still stunning and breathtaking, the light was missing from them.

Ted knew that what he was about to do next might cost him his job eventually. Brian would never forgive him if he ever found out, but that was a risk Ted was willing to take. Justin had a right to know the truth, he had a right to know why Brian had cut him out of his life five years ago.

“He's not here, Justin,” Ted sighed, sitting up straighter. At Justin's dejected look, Ted continued. “He only comes into the office twice a week for a few hours. He does the major presentations and meetings, but he mostly works from home nowadays and only works on the major accounts. Everything else is handled by Cynthia and me.”

Justin frowned at what he heard from Ted. This was so unlike Brian. Brian loved Kinnetik, it was his baby and he loved being in control even more. He would have never given up the reigns of his company unless something was seriously wrong. Justin gasped at that realisation. “Oh god, he's sick again, isn't he?”

Ted immediately placed a hand on Justin's shoulder and couldn't help but smile gently at the young man next to him. “He's fine, Justin. It's nothing like that.”

“But... but, he would never... He loves Kinnetik. Why would he take a step back?” Justin was utterly confused.

“That's not for me to tell, Justin. You'll have to ask him.”

Justin nodded at that. “When is he coming in the next time? Please, Ted. I need to know.”

“Next week on Tuesday,” Ted supplied and once again felt a gentle smile on his face when he saw Justin's crestfallen look. “You still love him, don't you? Even after all this time?”

Justin's head shot up and his features hardened ever so slightly. 'He's putting on a mask, just like Brian' Ted mused to himself 'He clearly learned from the best'.

“What? What makes you say that? I just want answers, Ted. That's all. And I guess I'll have to wait until next week to get them,” Justin forced out and forced himself to sound as emotionless as he could muster. It was bad enough that Daphne knew how pathetic he was, still loving Brian after all these years, but he couldn't let Ted know as well.

“It's okay. Your secret is safe with me, Justin,” Ted chuckled. “You two are more alike than you realise, you know?” At Justin's outraged expression, Ted only had to chuckle more. “You putting on that mask, trying to hide your emotions. That's so Brian... You've been learning from the best and apparently you've been a good pupil all these years. You're nearly as convincing as he is, but... I guess years of working with him and being his friend have taught me to look past those masks and barriers he likes to put up.”

Ted got up and moved to the door of his office, clearly indicating that this meeting was over. Justin huffed and got up, still deciding if he should be angry at Ted for saying that or if Ted might be right. As Justin moved towards the door, Ted put a hand on his arm and looked at him gently.

“What I am telling you now, is most likely going to get me fired if Brian ever finds out. So... I would be eternally grateful if you didn't tell him, but could just make him believe that you figured it out on your own somehow or have heard it somewhere else. I really like my job, you know?” Seeing Justin's puzzled expression, Ted continued, “He's at Britin.”

Justin gasped at that piece of information. Britin? The mansion Brian had bought for him as a present to convince him that he really loved him? Brian had kept Britin? And how come Ted knew its name? Brian and Justin had named it, but they had never told anyone else. So many questions were running through his head at the moment, but one stuck out above all others. “Why are you doing this, Ted? If it could get you into trouble with Brian?”

Ted shrugged and tried to sound as nonchalantly as he could. “Because I think you deserve to get some answers to your questions. Five years has been long enough.”

“I... I don't know what to say... Ted, thank you. Thank you so much!” Justin exclaimed and hugged the slighlty surprised man.

“Like I said, I'd be eternally grateful if you could keep my name out of whatever conversation you and Brian will have,” Ted said as he hugged Justin back. He seriously hoped he had done the right thing. He knew that what Justin would find at Britin would hurt him even more than Brian tossing him aside five years ago. Justin might be thanking him now, but he was sure come next week Justin would hate him for bringing even more pain into his life. Knowing all that, Ted still believed that he had made the right choice. Justin had a right to know why Brian had broken of all contact five years ago and he and Brian had never seen eye to eye over the reason. It was long overdue that Justin found out the truth, no matter how hurtful it might be. He had a right to know the truth if nothing else.

Justin nodded eagerly. “Of course, Ted. Of course. Don't you worry!”

Chapter 3

Justin drove up the long driveway to Britin. It had taken him some time to find the way back to the huge mansion on the outskirts of Pittsburgh. He had only ever been to the house once and back then Brian hadn't told him where they were going, so he hadn't really paid that much attention to the way they had been going and on the way back to Pittsburgh, he had been too happy and ecstatic about their engagement to pay much attention to the directions.

But now, after searching for about an hour, he was sure he had found the right house. As he put the car into park, he looked up at the Tudor-style mansion that Brian had bought for them, to make their home after they had gotten married. Which had never happened and Justin couldn't help but wonder why Brian had kept the house. After they had called off the wedding, Justin was sure that Brian would sell the house. It must have cost him a fortune and there was no way that Brian would ever live outside the city in a house that big on his own, but apparently Justin had been wrong in that assumption just like he had been wrong about so many other things concerning Brian Kinney.

He slowly got out of the car and made his way to the main door. This was it. Now he would finally get his answers, if Brian was willing to give him any that was. Justin knew Brian's tendency to just shut up and push him away and he knew how much Brian hated talking, but clearly Brian had to agree that if nothing else, Justin deserved answers. And if not, Justin would make damn sure that he got the answers that he needed. Steeling himself for what he knew would most likely be a very unpleasant conversation, Justin rang the doorbell and waited.

After nearly a minute the door was opened and Justin couldn't help but gasp when he saw Brian appear in the doorway, looking just as good and sexy as he always had. Brian was wearing old, faded jeans and a white t-shirt which had paint splodges all over it. As far as Justin was concerned, Brian had never looked better even if this look was so unlike Brian. Brian and paint splodges didn't go together. Brian was anal about his clothing and he had thrown more than one hissy fit whenever Justin's paint had gotten anywhere on his clothing.

Brian stopped dead in his tracks when he realised who was standing in front of his door. “J-Justin...,” he stuttered after several seconds of silence between them. His features then hardened and he schooled his face into a mask of nonchalance. But not before Justin had seen the surprise and also slight fear in Brian's eyes. Fear? Why was Brian fearful of him showing up at their house?

“You still know my name... Wow, I guess I should be grateful for small mercies,” Justin gave back and he was surprised by how harsh and cold his voice sounded. He had wanted to stay calm for this conversation, but now that he was face to face with Brian, he couldn't help but feel all the anger of the last five years come to the surface. All the pain and heartbreak that Brian had caused him were now there, right under the surface and there was no way he would be able to stay calm for this conversation, no matter how much he had planned on it.

“What are you doing here?” Brian asked, sounding as if he couldn't care less if Justin was there or not. Sounding as if he didn't care that this was the man he had nearly married five years ago.

“You certainly are a hard man to find, Brian Kinney. That's for sure,” Justin started, but was stopped by the happy voices of children running up to the door. As he was still trying to process what was happening and what he was hearing and seeing, he saw Brian's shoulders deflate and saw the mask of nonchalance on his face disappear. All that was left was a look of pure and utter misery and also some slight trepidation and Justin saw that the fear was back in Brian's eyes once again.

“Daddy, daddy. Where are you? Luke and I are waiting. We're hungry,” a voice called out to Brian and Justin froze when he saw what had to be Gus appear at Brian's side at the door. Gus had grown a lot since Justin had last seen him four years ago and he was the exact image of Brian. Justin had never seen any images of Brian as a child, but he was sure that Brian must have looked just like Gus did now. Gus had his daddy's eyes, his nose and his smile and he also had inherited Brian's auburn hair.

The boy looked at him curiously, before his face broke out into a frown, “Uncle Justin?”

Justin was about to reply, when he saw the source of the second voice that had been calling for Brian appear slightly behind Gus. A boy, about five years old, with blond locks and blue eyes just like his own stared back at Justin and it took Justin all his willpower not to faint at the sight of what was without a doubt his son. Because there was absolutely no doubt looking at this boy, who his fathers were. He was a perfect mixture between Brian and himself. He had his blond hair and blue eyes, and from the looks of his shy smile that he now showed on his face, he had also inherited his sunshine smile, but at the same time there was also something so uniquely Brian in that boy, that Justin had no doubt that he was looking at his and Brian's son.

He realised that his eyes must have grown to comical proportions as he looked from the small boy to Brian and back. Brian seemed to have sunken more and more into himself and sighed before he turned to Gus. His voice sounded defeated when he spoke.

“Gus, take Luke and go into the kitchen. Get yourselves a cookie from the cookie jar. I'll be with you shortly.”

“But Daddy, you said we shouldn't eat any sweets before lunch. When is Grandma Jen coming? We're hungry” Gus asked looking from his father, who had winced at the mention of Grandma Jen to Justin, who still stood frozen like a statue looking at the three people before him.

It was then that the small boy at Gus' side spoke and his voice was the sweetest sound that Justin had ever heard. “Papa?”

Brian ran a hand over his face and turned to Gus, looking at him imploringly. “Just do as you're told, Gus. Please. I'll be with you shortly. Cookies. Kitchen. Now!”

Gus frowned at the frustrated tone in his father's voice and shrugged, “Fine.”

He took the small boy's hand, who was still looking transfixed at Justin and started moving away with him. “Come on, Luke. Let Daddy and your papa talk.” Not realising what he had just confirmed, Gus and his brother moved back inside the house, leaving Brian and Justin to stare at the empty space that they had vacated seconds earlier.

Brian was the first to get his wits together and turned to Justin. He looked at him pleadingly, as he spoke his name.

Justin was still too shocked to react to Brian's voice and couldn't stop staring at the empty space where Gus had been standing with his son. HIS SON. He had a son and Brian hadn't told him. Apparently his mom knew as well about his son if the Grandma Jen was any reference to go by, but no one had told him that he had a son. Justin winced when he felt Brian's hand on his arm and came out of his stupor. He heard Brian's pleading voice saying his name and shook his arm until Brian let go of him.

“Don't touch me,” Justin hissed and turned his iciest glare on Brian. “How could you? How could you fucking do this to me?”

“Justin, please... Let me explain,” Brian began to beseech Justin, but Justin only moved away from Brian with each word that he spoke, closer to his car, closer to getting out of this situation.

“You bastard! I... I would have believed a lot of things from you, but...I have a son... You never told me we had a son! How could you? I-I don't believe this...,” Justin stuttered as he struggled to open the door to his rental, wishing that he could be anywhere but here. He finally managed to open the door and stepped into the car, immediately turning on the ignition.

Brian walked up to the side of the car and watched Justin from sad eyes. “Justin, I can explain this. Please, just listen. We need to talk about this.”

Once again Justin turned his iciest glare on Brian, a glare that weaker men would have cowered from, but not Brian. Brian knew he deserved everything that Justin was throwing his way and he took the glare in his stride.

“There is no way you can explain this. This is unforgivable. I hate you, Brian. I fucking hate you for doing this to me!”

With that Justin put the car into drive and stepped on the accelerator. He couldn't get away from Brian fast enough. Deep down he knew that he would need to talk to Brian if he ever wanted to see his son, but right now he just needed to get away from the man who had betrayed him like no other could have done. From the man who had hurt him worse than even Chris Hobbs and his bat had.

As you looked away
I saw a face behind you
A little boy stood at your door
And when I looked again
I saw his face was shining
He had my eyes, he had my smile

Chapter 4

Jennifer pulled into the driveway of Britin about 30 minutes after Justin had left. When she entered the house, she was surprised to find it all quiet. Usually Gus and Luke would be making noise or would be running around, but right now, she couldn't hear anything.

“Brian? Gus? Luke? Are you here?” she called out as she made her way from the empty kitchen to the equally empty living-room. She wondered if Brian might have forgotten about their lunch date and might have taken the boys out to the park or the zoo, but that would be very unlike Brian. Brian always kept important dates in his head and Brian had never forgotten about a lunch date with her and the boys. Something was off, she could just feel it. She had felt a weird vibe all day, somehow knowing that this day would end badly for some reason, even though she had no idea how she knew. Molly had teased her on the phone earlier, calling it female intuition before making fun of her that she might also be going crazy, but walking through the empty house now, she knew that her intuition had been right. Something was wrong and this day would end badly. She just knew it.

Just as she was about to turn around and check the patio for her boys, she heard footsteps on the stairs in the main hall. She made her way there and frowned when she saw a subdued Gus standing in front of her. Usually Gus would be laughing, smiling, running around, but this sad-looking, quiet boy was nothing like the Gus she'd normally hang out with.

“Gus, honey. What's going on?” Jennifer implored from the boy she loved like a second grandson.

“Uncle Justin was here. Now daddy is all sad. He told me and Luke to go watch some cartoons in my room and then went into his study,” Gus answered her honestly. “I think Daddy is sad because Uncle Justin yelled at him before he left,” Gus then went on. “Luke and I heard him from the kitchen. He said he hated daddy.” Gus then looked up at his grandma from sad eyes, “Why would he say that, Grandma Jen? He doesn't hate daddy, does he?”

Jennifer sighed inwardly as she took Gus into her arms and hugged him tightly. She had always known that this day would come and now that Justin had moved back to Pittsburgh it had only been a matter of time. Both she and Brian had known that and she had tried to prepare Brian as well as she could about Justin's return to Pittsburgh. She hadn't expected her son to show up that soon on Brian's doorstep though. She ran her hands through Gus' hair and left a kiss on his forehead. “Oh honey, he doesn't hate your daddy. He's just very upset, I am sure.”

“Because of Luke?” Gus asked, being wiser than his age suggested.

Jennifer sighed, not sure how much Gus knew about the situation between her son and Brian and therefore she decided to not say anything that Brian might not want his son to know. “I don't know, Gus. You'd have to ask your daddy about that.”

“Daddy just told us to go and watch cartoons. I think he was angry with me, Grandma Jen,” Gus said sadly and Jennifer's heart broke as tears left his eyes and ran down his cheeks.

“Why would you say that, Gus? You know that your daddy loves you very much,” Jennifer tried to calm the sad boy in her arms.

“H-he told us to get a cookie in the kitchen when we said that we were hungry, but... I told him that we're not allowed to eat sweets before lunch and I asked how much longer we had to wait for you and after Uncle Justin had left, he came into the kitchen and...h-he told me that I should learn to keep my mouth shut. He was really angry, Grandma,” Gus now openly cried in her arms.

Jennifer felt anger rise inside of her. Whatever was going on between her son and Brian was not Gus' fault and for Brian to let out his frustrations on his sons was unforgivable to her. She would give Brian an earful for that, but first she would comfort her distraught grandchild. His father could wait for the moment.

“I am sure he was just angry with the situation, but not with you, Gus. Your daddy loves you more than anything else in this world. You know that. I am sure he's just really sad after his argument with Justin,” Jennifer placed another kiss on Gus' forehead before she smiled at him. “Why don't you go up and join Luke and you two finish your cartoon while I talk to your daddy? And then we'll have lunch together. I brought your favourite,” she smiled at the child that had now stopped crying.

“Grandma Debbie's lasagna?” Gus asked, a small smile now creeping up on his face.

“Yes, Grandma Debbie's lasagna. She insisted,” Jennifer chuckled before hugging Gus tight once more and sending him off to watch a cartoon with his brother. In the meantime she had an axe to grind with Brian.

She determinedly made her way to the study and didn't even bother knocking as she entered it. She found Brian sitting at his desk, looking at a glass of whiskey in his hand. It almost looked as if he was looking through the glass, not at it and he certainly hadn't noticed Jennifer entering the room. He didn't look up and didn't acknowledge her presence in any way.

She walked over to his side and took the glass out of his hand, throwing its contents into the trash can next to his desk. That woke him up from his trance and he fixed an angry glare at Jennifer.

“It's a bit early for that, wouldn't you agree? It's not even lunch time,” she said coolly before leaning against his desk and looking at him from sad eyes.

“I don't fucking care,” he snarled back at her, glaring at her once more.

“That won't work with me, Brian. You know that very well,” she said as she crossed her arms and looked at him like a mother would at her disobedient child. “Gus told me Justin was here,” she said more gently, trying to get Brian to talk and tell her what had happened.

“That child has a mouth as big as Melanie's,” Brian hissed, not looking up at Jennifer as he spoke.

“Brian Kinney,” Jennifer angrily reprimanded him. “It is not your son's fault what just happened between you and Justin. Don't make him suffer for your mistakes. You made the decisions five years ago and now you make Gus suffer for it. That is not only highly unfair, it's also very bad parenting.”

She watched as Brian sank back in his chair as if he had been slapped by her and in a way she knew her words had done just that. Brian was scared above all else of being a bad father and turning out to be like his father. Accusing him of bad parenting would hurt him more than any slap or hit to the face ever could.

“He said he hated me,” Brian whispered, looking up at Jennifer from glassy eyes. “H-his voice was so cold when he said it.”

“What did you expect, Brian? I have warned you again and again that Justin will never forgive you for this,” Jennifer said sadly, kneeling down in front of Brian. She watched his shoulders shake and saw the first tears leaving his eyes. In the ten years she had known Brian Kinney, this was only the second time she saw him crying. The first time had been at Justin's hospital bed after he had been bashed by Chris Hobbs. Other than that, she had never seen Brian cry or be overly emotional, which gave her an idea of how much he had to be hurting right now.

“He knows...that you know... Gus mentioned you coming over,” Brian quietly went on, trying to stop his tears and to get himself back under control.

“That is hardly Gus' fault. How is he supposed to know what's going on here, Brian?” Jennifer sighed, getting up once more. “I'll deal with Justin, you deal with your sons. You have a very sad son right now, who is worried about you and his baby brother more than anything.”

When Brian frowned at her words, she continued gently. “Gus is so much like you, you know? He made sure that Luke is doing fine and took care of him and only broke down when I came here. He's worried that you're angry with him for what he said when Justin was here. You'll need to talk to him, Brian and you'll need to apologise for what you said to him. None of this is Gus' or Luke's fault.”

“Fuck,” Brian angrily yelled as he slammed his fist into his desk. Over the years Jennifer had gotten to know him well enough to know that he needed an outlet for his anger and would rather hurt himself than hurt any of the people he loved, but that wasn't going to help anyone either, so she reached for his left fist and took it into her hands.

“Don't, Brian. That won't help anyone. We knew this day would come and now that it's here, we'll deal with it. Just like we've dealt with everything else.”

Brian looked up at her and was once again impressed by Jennifer Taylor. Here she was, the mother of the man he had hurt beyond anything and she was comforting him. By all means, she should hate him, should hate him for what he had done to her son, but during the last five years, she had stuck by his side and had stuck up for him more than once. He knew that she had disagreed with how he had handled his pregnancy and Luke's existence as far as Justin was concerned, but even though she disagreed, she had never stopped being there for him or her grandsons. And yes, he said grandsons, because she had also become a grandmother to Gus, even though he had no physical relation to her at all, unlike Luke. Yet she had never differentiated between the boys and had always treated them equally as her grandsons.

“I am sorry, Mother Taylor,” he said, wiping away the tears from his face, feeling ashamed for his behaviour and how he had shown her his innermost feelings. Usually he was so good at hiding his emotions, even from her, but today had just taken its toll on him. Yes, she was right, he had known this day would come. He had known that there would be a day when Justin would find out about Luke and why he had cut off all contact five years ago, but he had hoped, even prayed at times that he would be able to let Justin know on his terms. And yes, he had known that Justin was back in Pittsburgh thanks to Jennifer and he had wrecked his mind about how to best break the news to him, but he hadn't expected Justin to show up at Britin merely two days after he had moved back to Pittsburgh. He had needed more time to come up with a decent plan, but now there was none and now Justin had found out on his own and had said that he hated him. Which was the least of what Brian deserved, he was well aware of that.

He wiped his face once more and took a deep breath, before he looked up at Jennifer. “What are we going to do now?”

“You are going to go upstairs and will talk to your sons and will apologise for your despicable behaviour and then you will tell them that you love them and will have a fun day with them,” Jennifer said seriously, not allowing Brian to voice any contradiction.

“But, I should...,” Brian started, only to be interrupted by Jennifer.

“No, you shouldn't. You're the last person he will want to see right now.”

Brian looked down at his hands, knowing that Jennifer was right. He wondered if Justin would be willing to see her, knowing what he knew about her involvement. He voiced as much, only to have Jennifer's calm voice comfort him once more.

“You worry about those grandsons of mine and take care of them and I will worry about that son of mine. Do you think he's never been angry at me before? Come on, Brian. How do you think I've made it through his puberty?”

“By moving him out of your house and into my loft,” Brian couldn't help but reply, only to get a smack on his head like Debbie loved to give Michael.

“Jeez, you spend too much time with Debs,” Brian complained, rubbing the space on his head where Jennifer's smack had struck him. “That hurt...”

“Hopefully that will teach you a lesson. You have two sons upstairs who are confused and in Gus' case hurting. They know that something is going on and they have questions. You move your ass up now and take care of them, while I take care of my son,” Jennifer commanded, pulling Brian up out of his chair.

Once Brian stood, she pulled him into a hug. “It will be alright. You'll just need to give him time, you hear me? Now go and take care of Gus and Luke. I'll leave lunch in the oven.” With that Jennifer let go of Brian and moved towards the door of the study. Five minutes later, after a quick goodbye to her grandsons, she was gone and was on her way to take care of her hurting son.

Chapter 5

Jennifer pulled up outside of Justin's new home, a feeling of dread filling her. She knew that Justin would be angry with her, probably angry beyond reason and as far as she was concerned he had every right to be. Yet, she also knew that more than anything Justin would be hurting and she was his mother and as his mother, she couldn't stand the thought of him in pain. She just wanted to hold him tight, give him a hug and a kiss and comfort him during this painful period of his life. As she walked over to his door, she wondered if he would let her comfort him. Only one way to find out, she said to herself as she rang his doorbell.

She sighed when the door wasn't opened, even after she had rung a second and a third time. She had tried calling Justin on her way over, but all her calls had gone straight to voicemail, which honestly hadn't surprised her. After waiting for a few more minutes, she went over to the garage and was relieved when she saw Justin's rental parked there. At least he had come home from Britin and wasn't just aimlessly driving around the city. She once again moved towards the door and used the spare key that Justin had given her when he had moved in.

She quietly opened the door and made her way into the hallway. She wasn't surprised when she saw that the living-room and kitchen were both empty. She had a pretty good feeling where Justin would be hiding, knowing her son well. Whenever he felt troubled or had too many emotions running through his head, he needed an outlet and his outlet had always been his art, so she went straight for his studio.

She knocked on the studio door, knowing that this was Justin's private sanctuary, not wanting to just enter it without his approval. When she didn't get any reaction, she tried knocking once more.

“Justin, it's me, honey. Open up, please.”

When she couldn't hear any movement from inside, she tried once more.

“Justin, honey. I am coming in now.”

She then quietly opened the door to his studio and her heart broke at what she saw inside. She found Justin huddled in front of a large canvas which depicted a swirl of red colours that almost looked like two hearts intertwining, but what really broke her heart about the scene in front of her, were the tears on the canvas which looked to have been teared into the canvas by bare hands and Justin's huddled form cradling himself as he was merely a heap of flesh and bones on the cold floor in front of the canvas.

“Oh honey,” Jennifer gasped as she walked over and knelt down next to Justin's crying form. She took her son into her arms, the first reaction that came to her as she saw her son who was clearly hurting.

When Justin felt another body hug him, he came back from his trance-like state and frowned at the person that dared to hug him. When he recognised his mother, he flinched under her touch and quickly moved out of her embrace, standing up.

“Don't you dare touch me,” he yelled at her, his face a mask of pure pain and heartbreak.

“Justin, please,” Jennifer pleaded and got up as well. She moved over to her son, but stopped when she saw him backing away from her.

“Get out!” Justin all but yelled at her, his face now turning from that pained mask into one of anger and pure and utter rage. “Get out of my house. NOW!”

“Justin, honey. Please, let's talk about this.”

“Talk about what, mom? How you chose Brian over me and played happy grandma to my son? A son I didn't even know I had because neither you nor Brian thought it necessary to tell me?” Justin snarled.

“It's not like that, Justin,” Jennifer started, but was interrupted by some more yelling from Justin.

“NO? What is it like then? Did you think I wasn't ready to take care of my son? Didn't you trust me to be adult enough to be a father to my son? What was it, mom?”

Justin cursed when new tears came to his eyes. For the last two hours he had done nothing, but thought about why Brian and his mom would have kept something like this from him. That was after he had gotten over his initial rage and had destroyed his latest painting and had torn it to shreds. Once he had let go of that fury, he had sunken into himself and had started to ask himself how Brian and his own mother could have done this to him and all he could come up with was that it had given them a perverse pleasure to show him how inadequate he was as an adult.

“Justin, please calm down so we can talk about this,” Jennifer tried once more, knowing that there was no sense in talking to Justin if he had gotten himself into a rage like this.

“There is nothing to talk about! Just get out of my house! Go back to Brian and play happy family with him. Get out NOW!” Justin screamed once more, glaring at his mother, daring her to say more.

Jennifer sighed, accepting that in this state there was no talking to Justin. She would talk to him when he had calmed down. “Okay, I will leave, but just know that it's not like what you think it is. Brian blackmailed me into keeping this a secret from you. I had no choice, Justin. Do you really think I would do something like this to you? Do you think me that cold-hearted and evil?”

“Brian blackmailed you? Seriously? Now you go blaming him? Wow, that is low even for you, mom,” Justin snorted derisively at his mother.

“Believe what you want to believe, but it is the truth. When I found out about his pregnancy, I wanted to let you know. I pleaded with him to let you know, but he wouldn't budge. When I threatened that I would tell you because you had a right to know, he threatened to move away with the baby to places unknown where we would never find him. He threatened to take the baby and make sure we would never see him again. You know he has that kind of money, Justin. You know that... Going along with his plan, I could at least make sure that Luke was okay and doing alright,” Jennifer tried to make her son understand.

“That's the biggest bullshit I have ever heard. You know that, mom? That boy,” Justin stopped when Jennifer supplied his name.

“Luke.”

“Fine, Luke. He's my son. Brian couldn't have taken him away. I-I am his father. I have rights! Clearly you couldn't ignore that,” Justin muttered angrily.

“No, I couldn't, but... with time...,” Jennifer sighed as she looked at Justin from sad eyes. “Debbie and I could see where Brian was coming from and... we could see that he did have a point. So, in the end we came to agree with Brian that it was probably for the best if you didn't know, so... We went along with Brian's plan and kept it a secret from you,” Jennifer admitted, hanging her head in sadness, but also shame. She knew that she had disappointed, even betrayed her son and should have been on his side instead of supporting Brian in his crazy plan to keep his pregnancy and Luke's existence from Justin.

“Debbie? Debbie knew as well?” Justin's voice took on a shrill pitch. “That's just awesome. Who else knew, mom? Everyone? Everyone I trusted? Everyone I considered friends and family? Did you all get together and enjoy how much you were betraying me? Did that excite you?” Justin snarled as he looked at his mother from cold eyes.

“It wasn't like that, Justin. We... We just wanted to do what's best for you,” Jennifer pleaded with her son to understand.

“Keeping my son's existence from me is best for me? How, mom? Just how is that best for me?”

“It was the only way you would focus on your career,” Jennifer whispered, by now not daring to look at Justin anymore. She was afraid of the contempt and hatred she would see in his eyes.

“My career? My fucking career? Who gives a shit about my fucking career? I have a son. A god-damn son and you were worried about my fucking career?”

Jennifer winced at the sharpness of Justin's words, but realised that she deserved no less for what she had done to her son.

“Brian knew you would have returned to his side immediately and you wouldn't have given your career another thought. He didn't want that. You were too young, honey.”

“That's fucking bullshit and you know it, mom,” Justin yelled once more. “I was old enough to create a baby with Brian, so I would think that would have made me old enough to also take care of that baby. But it's really good to know that nobody else thought me capable of taking care of my own son. Thanks for that vote of confidence,” Justin snorted before he moved over to the large floor to ceiling windows on the southside of his studio.

“Justin, honey. It wasn't like that. Brian knows that you would have made a wonderful father. I know that. We have all seen how loving and doting you were with Gus. There was absolutely no doubt that you couldn't take care of a child. That was never it,” Jennifer explained gently.

“You know what, mom? I don't care! I don't fucking care. Just leave. Leave and go back to Brian or do whatever you want, just fucking leave!”

“Justin, please,” Jennifer pleaded, but when she saw the square set of Justin's shoulders, she knew that there was no making him understand now. “Fine,” she finally relented, “I'll leave, but honey... Just know that I am here to talk and...please, go talk to Brian. You can't ignore him. Just think about Luke in all of this.”

When Justin didn't reply anything to that, Jennifer picked up her purse and left his studio and then shortly after his house. She wondered if maybe she had been wrong in assuming that Justin would understand their reasoning. Maybe she had been awfully wrong.

Chapter 6

Justin watched his mother leave from his space just next to the windows in his studio and sighed in relief when she was gone. He couldn't listen to her explanations any longer. Did she really think he would go for that? Did she really think he would just forget about how the people closest to him had betrayed him by just pointing out his career as an argument? A career he didn't give a damn about, a career he had only followed to please Brian and make Brian proud. Only to find out now that the whole time he had been away following that career, Brian had had his baby and had raised their son.

New tears left his eyes as he thought about all the things he must have missed. Pregnant Brian must have been a sight to behold. Though Justin frowned when he thought about Brian getting pregnant. When had that happened? They had always used condoms and the times that he had topped Brian could be counted on two hands at the most. Justin thought back to the last time he had topped Brian which had been just the night before he had left for New York. That had to have been it. The last time before that was too far in the past and it would explain why Brian had suddenly broken off all contact with him. Brian must have found out about the pregnancy the day he went to see his doctor. It would explain why he had been feeling under the weather. Justin had been so worried about the cancer being back when Brian had really been pregnant.

He still didn't really understand why Brian hadn't told him. Had he thought that Justin hadn't been ready for a baby? Had he thought Justin wouldn't want a family with him and their baby? God, he couldn't have been more wrong. A family with Brian had been the one thing Justin had always dreamed about, knowing that he would never get it. Brian had always made sure that Justin knew that he wouldn't get the picket fence with him, but now Justin knew better. He knew that Brian had gotten the life that Justin had always wanted and had never told him. That was what hurt most. That Brian had gotten to live his dream without letting him know. Brian of all people had known how much he had loved and adored Gus, how much he had loved Jenny Rebecca and how he would have loved nothing more than having a family with him. And when it had appeared right in front of them, everyone had kept it secret from him. Why? So he could follow a career that he had never wanted to begin with? So he could make something of his life?

Justin sighed and hugged himself tight. No one had ever understood that all he had ever wanted to be in his life was happy. And to him being happy meant being with Brian. He had been miserable in New York. Even before Brian had stopped all contact with him, he had missed Brian so much and just getting enough money to pay the rent for his small apartment and studio had taken up all his time. He had hardly been able to paint at all in the beginning and when he had painted, he had lacked inspiration as his inspiration had been 370 miles away back here in Pittsburgh. The lack of inspiration had only gotten worse after Brian had ended all communication with him. Justin hadn't been able to paint anything at all in months. It had taken Daphne's not so gentle ass-kicking to get him to paint again. She had told him in no uncertain terms that if he couldn't create any art, there was no point in him even trying and he should just go back to Pittsburgh then and admit to everyone and himself that he hadn't made it. He had known back then that she had been right, but when she had put it like that, he had also known that going back had not been an option. At least not before he had made a decent name of himself in the art world. Everything else would have been a disappointment to the people he had left behind in Pittsburgh and most of all to himself.

Brian had always urged him to be the best homosexual he could possibly be and Brian had also made it clear that he knew that nothing pissed off a homophobe more than a successful fag. He had realised then what Brian expected him to do. Brian had expected him to become as successful as he could and everything else would have been considered a disappointment. So coming home without any success to show hadn't been an option for Justin at that point and he had just grit his teeth and had painted. Not because he had felt like painting or had been inspired, but because he had known that that was what people expected from him. They had expected him to paint and in a certain style and that had been what Justin had delivered for them and slowly, but surely he had gathered the attention of first small galleries in Brooklyn and later in Manhattan and then finally of some of the bigger galleries all over New York.

By now his paintings were shown all over the US and two had even made it to a gallery in Paris. But at no point in time in the last five years had he ever felt as good about creating his art as he had when he had been back in Pittsburgh at the loft. Which had been one of the major reasons why he had decided to come back to Pittsburgh. On some foolish hope he had expected his joy at creating to come back once he was back home, but now he was slowly beginning to understand how foolish that expectation had really been. All he had come home to was pain, betrayal and even more heartbreak.

Justin took a deep breath as he forced himself to move away from the window. He needed to think about what he should do next. He knew that his mother had been right. He needed to talk to Brian. There was no way in hell he was not going to spend time with his son and getting to know him. For that to happen, Justin would have to talk to Brian at some point, but he wasn't ready for that. Not yet. Brian's betrayal still hurt too much and he needed more time to cool down. He would only scare his son, Luke as his mother had said, he would only scare Luke if he got to know him this angry. And scaring his son was the last thing he wanted to do. Ever.

Justin lay down on the chaise longue and looked at the painting he had ripped apart in his anger. The two intertwining hearts had been him and Brian and he realised now how foolish he had been to think that they could have any kind of future together. After five years apart that had been merely wishful thinking and now, looking at everything that had transpired that day he knew there was no future for them at all. When he thought about Brian all he could feel was anger, fury and rage. Add to that betrayal and massive disappointment. No, Justin told himself, after this betrayal there would never be any future for them. There was no way he would ever be able to forgive Brian for keeping his son from him.

A silent tear escaped Justin's eyes and he angrily wiped it away as he came to the realisation that he and Brian were truly over. After this, there was no turning back.

Justin didn't know how long he had been sitting staring at the torn painting when he heard his doorbell ring. He was slightly confused when he saw that it had already turned dark outside. He sighed, hoping that it wasn't anyone of the traitorous people he had called his family. He really couldn't stomach seeing any of them right then.

When he opened the door, he groaned as he saw Emmett standing outside his door.

“Baby, it's true. You're back,” the tall queen exclaimed happily, clapping his hands together like an overexcited child.

“What do you want, Em?” Justin asked him, his voice less than enthusiastic.

“Baby?” Emmett frowned. “Is that a way to greet your queen of queens after we haven't seen each other in months?”

“Emmett, look, I really don't want to see any of you right now, so please, just kindly fuck off, would you?” With that Justin moved to close the door, but was stopped by Emmett's foot which he had quickly put between the door and the frame.

“What's going on?” Emmett asked with obvious concern in his voice.

“You know exactly what's going on. So now move yourself back to that traitorous family and tell them to just leave me the fuck alone, will you?” Justin angrily spat as he tried closing the door once more.

“Woah, woah, woah. Wait a minute there. I have no idea what you're talking about. I am just here because I got the weirdest call from the big bad to go and visit you. Do you know how weird it was to get a call from him? Brian never calls me. Much less asks me to do anything for him. I couldn't refuse though, when he asked me to check up on you. I didn't even know you were back. Why didn't you tell me? And... why would Brian send me to you to check up on you? What is going on here, baby?” Emmett asked with real confusion in his eyes which Justin recognised for exactly what it was when he looked into the tall queen's eyes.

“You really don't know what's going on?” Justin asked, not able to believe that.

“Baby, would I ever lie to you? The first time in more than five years that I hear from Brian outside of organising business events for Kinnetik and then he mentions you're back in Pittsburgh. Did you two have a fight? And...why would he know that you're back, but not me?” Emmett looked slightly hurt.

Justin believed that the tall queen didn't know what had happened between Brian and him and was actually rather surprised that Brian would have called him. “Brian called you?” He asked, just to make sure that he had gotten that part right.

“Yes, like I said. The first time I hear from him in forever and then he tells me you're back and that I need to check up on you. What's going on here, honey?” Emmett inquired, looking at Justin closely. “Oh no, you've been crying. What has he done this time?” Emmett sighed in exasperation, running a gentle hand over Justin's cheek.

“It's a long story and I have no idea where to begin, to be honest,” Justin replied, as he stepped aside to let Emmett in. If Brian had called Emmett for him, that had to mean that the tall queen really didn't know what was going on or else Brian wouldn't have sent him over. Brian had to know well enough that Justin wouldn't want to see any of them right now, but if Brian had sent Emmett, that would mean that he thought Justin would be okay with him.

Justin couldn't help but feel slightly grateful to Brian for sending someone over to check up on him, but at the same time he felt his anger come back. If Brian hadn't kept his son a secret from him, there would be no need to check up on him at all. It was all Brian's fault and he would be damned if he would let him get off with a small gesture like this.

“I have all evening, honey, and I can see that you're distraught. Tell Auntie Em, what's happened,” Emmett cooed as he sat down on the sofa in the living-room and pulled Justin to sit down next to him.

Justin tried to sort his thoughts and then looked up at Emmett. Dear, old Emmett who had always been more his friend than Brian's. Emmett, who had taken an instant liking to him and had supported him in all the years he had been part of the Liberty Avenue gang. Emmett who had only ever barely tolerated Brian's escapades because he had been friends with Michael and later on Ted's boss and Justin's boyfriend. He couldn't help but wonder how much Emmett had been told about Luke. Did they all know?

“What do you know about Luke?” Justin asked therefore, getting straight to the point.

“Luke?” Emmett frowned then looked at Justin from sad eyes. “Oh no, he has found a new man by his side. Is that it? Is that why you're so distraught and he sent me here? Poor baby,” Emmett tried to comfort him, when Justin put up his hand, seeing that Emmett's reaction to his question had been an honest one.

“You really don't know, do you?” Justin asked once more, just to be absolutely sure.

“Know what?”

“Luke is my son.”

Emmett's eyes bulged and it looked as if they were close to falling out of his skull. Justin had never seen Emmett look more comical, but he wasn't feeling like laughing. Not at all.

“Y-your s-son? You have a son? Why didn't you tell me that you had a son?”

“Because I only found out today when I went to Britin to see Brian,” Justin sighed, hanging his head.

“Wait, you mean...He's your son with Brian?” Emmett gasped at that and put a hand in front of his mouth. “No way! How old is he, honey?”

“I guess around five years. Brian must have gotten pregnant before I left for New York and... that's why he broke off all contact after I had been there for three months. He found out about the pregnancy.”

“Look, I know Brian can be many things, but he would never be that cruel to you. He wouldn't do that to you. He loved you,” Emmett argued only to be interrupted by Justin's harsh laughter.

“Yeah, he loved me enough to hide his pregnancy and my son's existence from me for five years. True love at its best, right? And you want to know the best part? My mom and Debbie were in on it. They knew... My mom chose him over me, her own son,” Justin exclaimed before new tears of anger and frustration ran down his cheeks.

“I don't believe that, your mother would never...,” but Emmett stopped when he saw the truth in Justin's face and most of all in his tears.

“Oh baby, I am so sorry. I had no idea,” Emmett said before he hugged the smaller man close to him and held him as Justin let go of all the anger and pain he felt that had built over the course of the day.

Justin cried for what felt like hours until his tears finally stopped, Emmett holding him the whole time and whispering words of comfort to him.

Chapter 7

After what felt like hours of crying in Emmett's arms, Justin had finally fallen into a restless sleep, exhaustion taking over. Emmett had stayed seated where he was and had kept Justin in his arms, not daring to move and wake up his distraught friend.

He couldn't believe what Justin had told him. It just couldn't be true, but one look at his sad friend showed him the truth. He couldn't believe that Brian would have done this to Justin. Brian had loved Justin, Emmett had always been sure of that. Brian had been a lot of things, a lot of negative things, most of which he would have been the first to admit himself, but Brian had never been cruel to his Sunshine. He had loved Justin beyond anything and even though he had never admitted it out loud, it had been obvious for anyone who cared to look. And Emmett had looked. He had planned the now legendary non-nuptials for Brian and Justin and he had seen that Brian had been just as excited as Justin had been. Yeah, Brian might have told the world that he had only asked Justin to marry him to make him happy and give him what he had always wanted, but Emmett had seen the truth in Brian's eyes during the planning of their non-wedding. He had seen how Brian had wanted that wedding just as much as Justin, he had seen the way Brian had looked at Justin as if he was the most precious thing in the world, in his world at least.

Emmett had been devastated when the wedding had been cancelled and not only because he had known how fabulous it would have been, but because he had seen how much both men had wanted it to happen. When he had talked to Justin a few days later, however his friend had been almost happy and excited and had confirmed to him once more that it hadn't been Brian cancelling the wedding, but that they had agreed together and that cancelling the wedding and Justin moving to New York had been what both of them wanted.

He had heard from Justin a few months later that Brian had broken off all contact and hadn't been able to believe his words. He had seen how much Brian Kinney had loved the twink that wouldn't go away. He had been there and to him it made no sense for Brian to do something like that. He had then gone to Kinnetik, had confronted Brian about his behaviour towards Justin, but had only been met by the cold, unloving Brian that Brian had been before he had met Justin. Brian had seemed as if he had reverted back to the Brian of five years prior and had completely lost all of the loving Brian that Emmett had seen only a few months earlier.

They had argued that day about the way Brian was treating Justin and their ways had pretty much parted afterwards. Brian had drifted away from their family more and more and came to less and less family events. Emmett had been scared that Brian would go back to the constantly drunk, drug-taking over the hill club boy, but that hadn't happened either. Brian had even moved out of the loft, which had been the biggest surprise to Emmett back then.

After Brian had moved away from Liberty Avenue, he had hardly seen him anymore. They would sometimes meet at Kinnetik as Emmett was still responsible for organising and catering Kinnetik events, but he had noticed himself and had it confirmed by Ted, that Brian had also pulled back from his tasks at work and had directed most of his work to Ted and Cynthia, who were now Emmett's first points of contact for any upcoming events.

About a year after the whole thing with Justin had gone down, there had been a huge falling out between Brian and Michael. He had never known what it had been about and had done his best to stay out of it. He had known that the relationship between Brian and Michael had been strained for a long time already, but when Michael had come to his house, wanting to complain about something Brian had done or not, Emmett had sent him away, telling him that he didn't care about anything concerning Brian Kinney and didn't want to get involved in anything concerning the man who had hurt his close friend Justin so badly by abandoning him like yesterday's trash. Michael had not liked that and that had been the end of his friendship with Michael and in addition also Debbie.

Not that he had mourned that loss a lot. During the time that Justin had been away in New York, he had come to see Michael for what he was, a whiny, self-centered brat that had never grown up and demanded that everyone take care of his shit, but himself. Emmett had had enough of that whining and had been secretly relieved when Michael had been out of his life. He had felt slightly sadder about losing Debbie, but he had just assumed that she would take Michael's side, as she always had, so he had let her go as well.

He still hung out with Ted and found new friends through his business and through Drew when they had gotten back together six months later. After he had gotten back with Drew, he didn't really have time to miss the Novotny's and would only occasionally hear updates from Ted who was still his closest friend.

Ted had told him about a year later that Debbie and Michael had also had a falling out and that Debbie had apologised to Brian and had welcomed him back into her family. Emmett had been slightly baffled by that, not able to imagine what would have made her cast away Michael, the son she loved beyond anything else. Whatever it had been, it had to have been bad, he figured, but wasn't interested in the details. He had a life with Drew now, his business was keeping him busy, so he had mostly kept himself away from Liberty Avenue and the family and all the problems as well.

Ted had also told him about a falling out between Brian and the munchers which had ended in an ugly custody suit for Gus, which in the end Brian had won. Emmett hadn't known how he had felt about that at the time, he just couldn't imagine Brian as a full-time father to Gus, but when he had voiced as much to Ted, Ted had only smiled and said: You'd be surprised, Emmett.

And now here was Justin, telling him that he and Brian had a five year old child. That was just crazy. Emmett couldn't help but wonder if the falling outs Brian had had with the family had been because of his and Justin's child or because of something else. For the first time in years, he felt curiousity nagging at him where his old Liberty Avenue family was concerned and knew that he would have to ask Ted about it at one point. For some reason he had a feeling that all these events were connected somehow and that Ted had been involved. Damn, he should have paid better attention to the lives of his so called friends in recent years, but he had just been so tired of their constant whining and imagined problems, that he couldn't bear to be in their presence for longer than necessary.

Emmett was pulled out of these thoughts when he heard the doorbell ring. He wondered who it could be at this time of the evening. It was close to ten pm as he checked on his watch. He felt Justin stir and wake up at his side and gently padded his back. “You stay here, honey. I'll take care of whoever it is.”

Justin nodded sleepily and sat up as Emmett left the room to open the door.

“Teddy? What are you doing here?” Emmett exclaimed when he saw his best friend outside the door, holding a manila folder in one of his hands.

“Hey Em,” Ted tried to smile at his friend, but failed miserably. “I need to speak to Justin. Is he here?”

Emmett eyed Ted curiously, a suspicion growing in him as he led his friend inside and directed him to the living-room where Justin was looking up at him expectantly.

“Hey Ted,” Justin murmured.

“Hey Justin,” Ted gave back before shifting uncomfortably. It was obvious that Ted wanted to be anywhere but in Justin's living-room at that moment. “U-uhm, Brian sent me. He wanted me to give this to you,” he said as way of explanation as he held the manila folder to Justin.

Justin's face clouded over and his eyes darkened immediately. “I don't want anything from him. Tell him he can just fuck himself and to leave me the fuck alone!”

“Justin,” Ted sighed, growing more uncomfortable by the second. “I really think you should at least take a look at this. It's for your own good.”

“My own good? Just like keeping the existence of my son from me was for my own good? You know what? I have had enough of everyone's idea of what's for my own good,” Justin spat angrily.

“Justin, I know that this day played out very badly for everyone involved and...I am really sorry about that, but Brian wants you to have this and I think you want this, too,” Ted tried once more, feeling relieved when Justin finally took the manila folder from him.

He watched as Justin opened the folder and read through the paper on top. “A custody agreement? For Luke?” Justin said as he read the document on top. When he moved on to the next one he saw that it was a copy of Luke's birth certificate which listed him and Brian as the fathers and also listed Luke's full name (Luke Victor Kinney-Taylor) and his date of birth (September 7th, 2006).

“Brian wants you to have joint custody of Luke. He... he never meant to bar your access to Luke.”

“Really? He could have fooled me,” Justin snarled.

“You knew about all of this?” Emmett interupted, having his suspicions confirmed and looking at Ted as if he had grown a second head. “You were in on all of this?”

“Emmett,” Ted sighed. “Brian is my boss. Of course, I knew. This impacted Kinnetik in a big way. I am his CFO. He had to tell me,” Ted tried to explain.

“And you didn't think that Justin had a right to know?” Emmett asked unable to believe what he was hearing.

“Of course, I did. Brian and I had many fights about this. Damn, Emmett. Who do you think sent Justin to Britin, so he would finally know? I always thought he had a right to know, but... it was not my place to tell him.”

“Emmett, leave it,” Justin said calmly, looking up at Emmett and Ted. “Ted is right, he is the one who told me that Brian was at Britin and...,” Justin sighed, “Brian is his boss. If he had told me, it would have cost him his job.”

“Fuck his job, who would want to work for a monster like that?” Emmett groused.

“Emmett, it wasn't an easy choice, but... Justin is right. Brian is my boss. I owe him my life. I... I couldn't betray him like that.”

“So you just watched on as he betrayed Justin? Who are you and what have you done with my friend Ted?” Emmett glared at his friend and pushed past him. “I don't know you anymore. The Ted I know would have never done something like that to one of his friends. Shame on you!”

With that Emmett left the room and disappeared in the bathroom down the hall.

Both Justin and Ted watched after him and Ted was the first to find back his voice. “I am sorry, Justin. You have no idea how sorry. Like I said, Brian and I fought many times about this, but...”

“It's okay. I understand, Ted. He's your boss and you owe him your loyalty, not me,” Justin replied quietly.

“I just want you to know that it was never an easy decision for him and... he is a good father, Justin. Both Luke and Gus adore him.”

Justin just nodded, not quite sure if he really cared to hear about Brian's qualities as a father just then. He looked at the papers in the manila folder once more and frowned when he found a handwritten note at the bottom of the folder. He immediately recognised Brian's handwriting and his brow furrowed when he read what was written on the note.

“Tomorrow, 12pm, Debbie's place. Neutral ground to go over the custody agreement.

-B”

Justin handed the note to Ted. “That's it? Nothing more?”

Ted just shrugged helplessly. “You know how he is.”

“Yeah, don't I?” Justin snorted derisively and then looked back up at Ted. “I-I guess I'll have Mel check over these custody papers to see if they're alright.”

“Don't!” Ted exclaimed and when he saw Justin's confused expression at his outburst, he went on. “I get that you want to punish him, but don't do that to him. Please, Justin.”

Justin noticed that Ted was nearly begging now and frowned even more. “Why? She has always looked over my legal papers. Why wouldn't I send this to her as well?”

“She has?” Ted frowned, looking confused for a second. “All these years?”

Justin could only nod, feeling confused himself when Ted went on.

“You don't know, do you?” Ted asked, rubbing his hands over his face, wondering how much Brian would want him to share.

“That seems to be the gist of my day so far,” Justin mumbled, waiting for Ted to give him a proper explanation as to why he shouldn't contact Melanie about these custody papers.

“Brian and the girls had a nasty custody battle a few years ago over custody for Gus and by nasty I mean nasty. They really brought out the big guns and... They fell out over that and other things.... Brian got sole custody of Gus and Mel hasn't talked to either him or Gus ever since. He's beyond pissed at her for not staying in contact with Gus and I can't guarantee that he won't kill Melanie if you get her involved in a custody battle for his second child,” Ted explained quietly.

“What?” Justin exclaimed, wondering why Melanie had never mentioned it to him when she had read through his contracts for several gallery showings he had had over the years. He had always sent her the contracts and she had always read over them and had never wanted money for it, claiming that friends didn't pay friends. Why had she never told him that Gus was no longer living with her and Lindsey?

“It's a long story and not for me to tell, really, but...Brian suggested that maybe you want to have Daphne's father check those papers.”

“D-daphne's father?” Justin stuttered, wondering for a split second if his best friend had been in on this betrayal as well, but then immediately canning that thought, knowing she would have never kept something like this from him. He could always trust Daphne. She was probably his one true friend along with Emmett.

“He's a lawyer, right?” Ted asked, feeling confused now.

“Yes, but not for family law.”

“Well, if he's half as good as Brian thinks he is, you should be fine,” Ted replied. “And... I don't think Brian is trying to fuck you over with these custody papers. Whatever you want, he's probably going to give it to you.”

“Why would you think that?” Justin asked, not quite sure if he understood what Ted was implying.

“I have never seen him like this before, Justin. He's a picture of guilt. He'll do whatever it takes to make this up to you and to Luke.”

“Well, he should have thought about that before he decided to pull his five year vanishing act,” Justin angrily shot back, not yet ready to feel sorry for Brian or to be considerate of Brian's feelings in this whole mess.

“Right,” Ted said, as if Justin's reply had sobered him up. “Just make sure you think of Luke's interests in whatever you want to do, Justin. Debbie calls him 'Baby Sunshine' and he's the happiest child I've ever seen. Don't set out to destroy that, just because you want revenge on Brian for what he did to you,” Ted implored as he looked at Justin beseechingly.

“Why do you care so much?” Justin couldn't help but ask. He had seen real emotion on Ted's face when he had talked about Luke.

“Because he's my godchild and god knows you and Brian will pay if you hurt him in any of this.” With that Ted turned around and left without another word.

Chapter 8

After Ted had left, Emmett had returned back to the living-room and he and Justin had talked about what their next steps should be. Emmett had agreed with Ted and Brian that Justin should have Daphne's father look over the custody agreement. He would make sure that Brian wouldn't take advantage of Justin's interests. Daphne already hated Brian for what he had done to Justin five years ago and once she would learn what Brian had kept from Justin, she would make it her goal in life to destroy him and would get her father to help her. If there was one person who would fight fiercely for Justin's best interest, it would be Daphne and by association her father.

Justin had reluctantly agreed to get her and her father involved, but only because he respected Ted's wish not to get Melanie involved. He would need to find out what had gone on between Brian and the munchers, but Emmett hadn't been much help and anyone else he could talk to about that was high on his shit-list at the moment. So that would have to wait.

Daphne had agreed to come over and to call her father, despite the late hour and had her father check the custody agreement for Justin. After reading through every paragraph for more than an hour, talking to her father on the phone the whole time, she had turned to Justin and had informed him that they hadn't been able to find any loopholes in the agreement. It had been a really fair custody agreement and Brian was basically giving him unlimited access to his son.

As predicted by Emmett, Daphne had been beyond pissed once she had found out about Brian's betrayal, but what had seemed to have hurt her even more was Jennifer's role in all of this. She hadn't been able to believe that Justin's own mother would pull something like this on her son, a son she had nearly lost once. Daphne had been muttering angry threats at Jennifer Taylor all night.

In all of the angry muttering and threatening that Emmett and Daphne were doing, Justin hadn't been able to miss the sad look in Emmett's eyes. He had known that Emmett had been hurting because of Ted's behaviour and had taken his friend aside late at night, before they had settled down for the night.

“I am sorry, Emmett. I didn't mean for you and Ted to fight over this as well,” Justin sighed, now feeling even worse than he had before. “I never wanted you to get pulled into our mess as well.”

“Baby, you stop right there! None of this is your fault, you hear me? You are the innocent party in all of this and you have no apologising to do at all. Don't you worry about this old queen here. I'll be fine, you hear me? We're only here to worry about you and that little munchkin of yours,” Emmett said as he took Justin in his arms. “Do you think he'll be at Debbie's tomorrow as well? I really can't wait to see him,” Emmett mused.

“God, I hope not,” Justin breathed out. “I doubt that it's going to be a nice meeting.”

“Yeah, you're probably right,” Emmett sighed, before hugging Justin once more. “Whatever happens, you'll have me and Daphne and her father there to support you.”

“Thanks, Emmett. I really appreciate it.”

Now, a mere 9 hours later, Justin was really glad to have Emmett, Daphne and her father at his side as he made his way up the stairs to Debbie's house. He wondered why Brian would consider her place 'neutral' when she had been in on everything, but in the end he had just showed up at the designated time, wanting to get this over with. He really didn't care all that much why they were meeting at Debbie's, he just wanted the meeting to be over already.

“Hello?” he called out for the owner of the house, when he opened the door slightly and was surprised to find Carl at the bottom of the stairs, just getting into his jacket, seemingly on his way out of the house.

“Hey, Justin,” Carl greeted the young man with a sad, yet friendly smile. “Debbie is out with your mom and the boys. They're on babysitting duty for the day. I'll be off to work now. You behave and don't make me come here while I am on duty, you hear me?” The older man said seriously as he gave Justin's shoulder a friendly squeeze.

“I'll try,” Justin replied, not feeling like he was able to say more.

Carl noticed how he started looking around the house and immediately knew what or rather whom Justin was looking for. “He's outside on the porch waiting for you.”

With that Carl left the house, giving a short greeting to Daphne, Emmett and Mr. Chanders, before he got on his way to work.

Justin made his way into the living-room and from there into the kitchen. He saw some papers on the kitchen table and upon closer inspection saw that it was the custody agreement that he had gotten the night before from Ted. Once he raised his eyes from the papers on the table, he looked outside the kitchen window and saw Brian on the porch. He could see how tense Brian was. Even after all these years he could still see the signs. Brian's tense shoulders, his stiff back all clear indicators that he was nervous or maybe even scared.

'Well, serves him right,' Justin thought to himself and schooled his face into a mask of indifference when he saw Brian turn around. He could recognise the exact moment when Brian had seen him, because Brian had shuddered ever so slightly. Justin couldn't be sure, but he would bet all his money that Brian had gasped.

He steeled himself for what was to come when he saw Brian move over to the back door and open it. He was glad when he felt Emmett's hand on his shoulder, giving it a supportive squeeze.

Once Brian had moved into the kitchen, he looked at its four occupants and gave a short nod in greeting. “Should we start?” He asked, his voice sounding all business-like. This was Brian Kinney the ad exec, Justin recognised, not Brian Kinney his former lover and fiance. Well, if Brian wanted to play this meeting like that, he could do it, too. Sure, he could pretend to be all business-like as well.

“Sure,” he replied coldly before taking a seat at the kitchen table. “Aren't we waiting for your lawyer?”

“No,” Brian replied curtly and sat down at the opposite end of the table, as far away from Justin as he could.

“I would feel better if you had legal representation here as well,” Daphne's father spoke up at that moment, taking a seat next to Daphne, who was sitting next to her best friend. Emmett sat down on Justin's other side. Justin would have chuckled at the arrangement of him being surrounded by two friends and his lawyer while Brian sat all alone at his end of the table, but he didn't feel like chuckling and the situation was too damn serious.

“No,” Brian just replied once more, his eyes never leaving the custody agreement in front of him. “Whatever we decide today will be fine with me,” he muttered quietly and Justin realised that Ted had been right last night: Brian would give him whatever he wanted.

As Daphne's father and Brian started to go over the exact paragraphs of the agreement, going through each and every single one, Justin couldn't help but watch Brian closely. Ted had been right, Brian was a picture of guilt and misery. He had never seen Brian like that before and the Brian that he had known, would have fought tooth and nail over even the slightest change in wording that Mr Chanders suggested, but this Brian just took it all in and nodded at every change Daphne's father requested. Sure, they were only small things and mostly concerning wording to make the custody agreement more clear, but he was really giving Justin all he wanted. Why?

Brian looked up and frowned at Justin. “Why what?” he asked in obvious confusion.

Only then did Justin realise that he had been speaking that question out aloud. He looked Brian squarely in the eye and elaborated on his question. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because he's your son, too and I would assume that now that you know of his existence, you would want to spend time with him,” Brian explained in his most bored business-voice.

“Cut the bullshit, Brian. That's not what I meant,” Justin gave back, holding Brian's intense gaze. He saw anger and pain in Brian's eyes, but there was also something else, something that spoke of regret and Justin wasn't sure, but maybe even love? No, that couldn't be. Brian Kinney didn't do love and if this meeting didn't prove that Brian had never loved him, what else would? No, Justin had to be mistaken.

“Then I have no idea, what you mean.”

“Why are you not fighting tooth and nail against our suggestions?”

“Why would I?”

“Because you're you and if there's one thing you don't do, it's losing. And to you this must feel like losing, changing word after word,” Justin spat, his anger taking over once more. Why couldn't he stay calm for once when talking to Brian? Why was this man making him so damn angry?

“Maybe because this is not about me, but about Luke and I have his best interest at heart,” Brian replied calmly, apparently having an easier time than Justin with staying calm.

“Like you had his best interest at heart when you kept me out of his life for five years?” Justin then exploded and hurriedly got up from the chair and ran out of the kitchen when he felt the tears start once more. He would be damned if he let Brian see his tears.

He didn't feel the eyes of two concerned friends on his back and the eyes of one person whose eyes reflected nothing but the same pain and misery he was feeling. He made his way onto the porch and hugged himself tightly, fighting against the tears that were once more streaming down his face.

When he heard the door to the porch being opened from inside the house, he figured that Daphne or Emmett had come out to check up on him and he jumped in surprise when he heard the one voice he would have never expected.

“That was never it, Justin,” Brian whispered as he moved to a spot next to Justin. He knew better than to touch the shivering man next to him, so he just stood next to him and looked out at the garden when he spoke again. “That was about your best interest.”

“My... my best interest? Are you fucking kidding me? How was any of this in my best interest?” Justin turned blazing eyes on Brian's still form.

“You deserved your chance at your career. You would have never gotten this amazing career you have now, if I had told you.”

“My career? Who gives a fuck about my career?” Justin glared.

“I do,” Brian muttered, still not looking at Justin, but ahead at the bush of roses at the very end of the garden. “You deserved only the best.”

“And in your twisted mind a career was better than having a family?” Justin asked incredulously.

“A family would have tied you down, you were too young. You needed more time to build your portfolio. I don't say that a career is better per se, but at that time for you, yes, it was better.”

“And who gave you the right to decide that for me? This is my life, MY LIFE! Not yours, not my moms. My life. Who gave all of you the idea that you could make decisions on my behalf?”

“Justin...,” Brian sighed and turned to look at his former fiance. He looked at him from sad, troubled eyes. “What would you have done if I had told you that I was pregnant?”

“I would have packed up my shit in New York and would have come back,” Justin exclaimed.

“See?” Brian just said as if Justin's statement had proven his point.

“See what? All I can see is that you are the biggest bastard I have ever had the non-pleasure to meet in my life.”

Brian ignored Justin's last statement and just went on explaining his point. “You would have thrown away your chance at your career. You would have thrown away your future and for what?”

Justin looked at Brian from steely eyes and wondered if Brian was for real. He couldn't really be asking that question. “For my family,” Justin replied calmly. When Brian just shook his head at Justin's answer, Justin went on anyway. “I get it, you didn't care. You didn't want a family. Being pregnant was probably a huge inconvenience for you. You probably cursed me to the moon and back for ever topping you and getting you pregnant to begin with because the pregnancy and the prospect of a child probably really diminished your stud-qualities. And we all know that's all you ever cared about. But I am not you! You knew... you fucking knew that it was my dream to have a family with you. You fucking knew, how could you not? You mocked me enough times about it...,” Justin talked himself into a rage and never noticed the clouded look on Brian's features. “I know that all you care about is your success and your company and being the fucking stud of fucking Liberty Avenue...but I am not you! I never cared about that damn career.”

“Is that what you think of me? Is that how you see me?” Brian asked taken aback by Justin's words which had cut into him like a knife. Each word had hurt as if he had been physically hit by his father's fists. If he was honest with himself, Justin's words hurt even more.

“What else am I to think?”

Justin never got a reply to his question as Brian just looked at him squarely. “You want to know why I am not fighting you about that stupid custody agreement? You really want to know why?” He asked him instead.

“Yes,” Justin muttered angrily.

“Because I've been there. I've been through that with the munchers more times than I care to count. I've seen Michael and the munchers go at it over Jenny Rebecca and I am sick and tired of children being used as pawns in the games of stupid adults who can't get their priorities right. My first priority is my son's happiness, so I will do whatever it takes to make him happy. If that means giving him more time with you, fine. So be it. I'll be the last person to put my own ego before his best interest. So you want a different agreement? Fine, take whatever you want. I will not use our son as a pawn between us and I won't allow you to do it either,” Brian ranted before he turned around and went back into the house without another word.

All Justin could do was look after Brian open-mouthed. As he watched after Brian and contemplated his words, he knew that Brian was partly right. Of course. Damn, he had been at Brian's side through all the custody shit that Lindsay and Melanie had put him through. He had been there when Brian had given up his parental rights to Gus to ensure the happiness of his son. He had seen Michael, Lindsay and Melanie fight over Jenny Rebecca after her birth and he couldn't blame Brian for being sick and tired of it. Brian was right about one thing: This was not about them, this was about what was best for their son. And while Justin still had a hard time getting his head around the fact that he had a son, he knew at the same time that none of this was Luke's fault. Everything that had happened had happened because of Brian and was something that they needed to figure out, but Brian was right, they needed to figure it out without using Luke as a pawn in their game of revenge.

Justin couldn't help but remember Ted's words from the evening before. Luke was a happy child and he shouldn't forget about Luke in all of this. Damn, he had done just that. He had been so angry with Brian and had wanted to goat him into a fight about a stupid custody agreement when all that should matter was their son. Brian had kept his focus just there, on the well-being of his child and he? What had he done? Damn... no wonder no one had wanted him around his kid...

Justin sighed and ran his hand through his hair, before he went back inside. As he entered the kitchen, he knew what he had to do and he would do what was best for his son. For once he would put his hurt and anger aside and would do what was best for Luke. That knowledge gave him a new resolve as he made his way back to the kitchen table where he could see Brian, Daphne, her father and Emmett glare at each other.

Chapter 9

“Mr. Chanders, Daph, Em, can you give us a moment?” At their rebellious looks, Justin gave them a pleading look. “Please?”

“Fine,” Daphne huffed as she made her way outside to the patio which Brian and Justin had occupied just moments before. Emmett and her father followed her quietly, the tall queen throwing wary looks at Brian and Justin.

“I am sorry,” Justin said quietly as he looked at Brian's dejected form. He had never seen Brian so empty and miserable.

“Sorry is bullshit,” Brian just muttered his credo without much conviction.

“I know that you love Gus and Luke and I am sure that you're a good father to them and... you're right, this is not about us. This is not about my hurt or my anger or my ego, this is about Luke,” Justin said quietly, looking at the papers on the table.

“Don't ever call him an inconvenience again,” Brian hissed at Justin and Justin was momentarily taken aback by the venom in Brian's voice. “He never was and he never will be. He and Gus are the best things that have happened to me in this fucked-up life, so don't you dare call him an inconvenience.”

“Brian, I-I didn't mean it,” Justin tried to justify, but knew that was no excuse. He had spoken in his anger before thinking and deep down, if he just allowed himself to be honest for a second, he knew that he had been unfair when he had made Brian listen to his tirade. He really didn't know anything about Brian's life these past years and yet he had judged him. “I... I was...I AM angry, but you're right. This is not about me, this is about Luke. This is not about my hurt ego, this is about the well-being of our child and I am willing to put that first. Just like I should have been doing all along.”

Justin watched Brian's eyes glancing at him warily and waited for a reply. When none came, he grabbed the custody papers on the table and held them out to Brian. “Do we really need these?”

Brian clearly hadn't expected that, judging by his surprised expression. “Of course!”

“What for? I am his father. My name is on the birth certificate. That gives me the same rights as you have. What good will this custody agreement do, but cause even more tension?”

“Justin, it's to secure your access to our son.”

“You don't plan on taking it away from me, do you? The right to see him and spend time with him, I mean,” Justin said.

“No, of course not.”

“Then what do we need it for? To put a schedule in place that I can have him this Christmas and you get him next Christmas? Is that really what you want? Because... I don't...,” Justin muttered.

Brian eyed him curiously, frowning at Justin's statement. “What do you want, Justin?” Brian finally asked after several minutes of silence. And when he asked, he realised that this question should have been asked more than five years ago. Justin was right, he should have been allowed to make his own decisions.

“I want to see him and get to know him and... I guess I'll want to spend time with him,” Justin started and was encouraged when Brian nodded. “However I don't want him to be put through turmoil because of us. He doesn't know me, Brian. He only knows you and Gus and...,” Justin sighed sadly, “I am not fool enough to believe that pulling him out of his usual environment for half the week or every second weekend is in his best interest.”

“He knows you,” Brian quietly muttered.

“Wh-what? How?” And then Justin remembered how Luke had called him 'Papa' when he had been at Britin the day before. “He called me Papa. He meant me, right?”

“I've told him about you, have shown him pictures. Gus has told him stories about you. He knows who you are, Justin. I've never kept your identity from him,” Brian replied.

'No, you only kept his existence from me,' Justin angrily thought to himself, but stopped himself in time from saying that out loud. He had a feeling that he and Brian were finally communicating and he didn't want to throw that away with a careless remark.

“Why?” was all Justin could ask.

Brian shrugged. “I don't know... Really, I don't,” he continued at Justin's frown. “It...it started when he was a baby and I would tell him stories about you and us and well, I guess... I guess I have just never stopped. You're his Papa and always have been.”

“Where does he think I've been these five years?” Justin asked curiously.

“In New York, working on your art.”

“What?”

Brian shrugged. “He was a baby, then a toddler. I didn't think it mattered, so why lie to him. I've told him the truth and that's the only thing he knows.”

“Great,” Justin muttered angrily. “And now he thinks my career is more important to me than he is.”

“He is five, Justin. Way too young to have any thoughts like that.” Brian said seriously. “Right now he's way too excited about meeting you. He's been talking about you non-stop since you've left yesterday.”

“Really?” Justin couldn't believe what Brian was saying.

“Yep. He's all excited to finally do all the fun things with you that you've done with Gus and that Gus has told him about. He can't wait to be chased around by Jussy the dog,” Brian told him.

“Jussy the dog?” Justin frowned.

“Remember that one time at the munchers house when you pretended to be a dog and followed Gus around on all fours?”

Justin put a hand to his forehead and couldn't help but laugh. “Really? Gus remembers that?”

“He sure does and he has filled his brother's mind with all kinds of tales about you.”

“No pressure there,” Justin chuckled.

“I missed that sound,” Brian said in response to Justin's chuckle, but stopped himself from saying more when saw Justin's face darken.

“Don't!” Justin just said and got up. “Don't even go there.”

“Justin,” Brian started, but was once again interrupted by the young man who now stood next to the sink.

“No, Brian. Just no,” Justin angrily replied. “You could have heard that sound for five years, but you made the conscious choice to keep me away. Now live with your choice.” Justin took a deep breath before he went on.“I am doing this for Luke, Brian. Don't be mistaken about my motivations here. You were right, he should be our priority and that's what I am making him right now: My priority, but... that does not mean that we're fine. We're not. We're actually as far from being fine as we can be,” Justin sighed as he looked up at Brian from pained eyes.

“I-I am...,” Brian started, but was once again stopped by Justin's raised hand.

“Don't tell me that you're sorry. Sorry is bullshit, remember? Isn't that what you always said?”

“Justin,” Brian sighed. “Don't...”

“Brian, we're here to talk about Luke and that's it as far as I am concerned. So...,” Justin moved back to the table and sat back down, putting the custody papers to the side. “I don't need these as long as you allow me to see Luke and spend time with him,” he said calmly.

Brian eyed him, then nodded. “Okay.”

“I'll come by Britin and will spend time with him there as often as I can arrange to,” Justin went on only to be interrupted by Brian.

“You don't have to do that. You can take him to your place,” Brian offered.

“And then? What, Brian? My place doesn't have a room for him and isn't fit for a child. Someone conveniently forgot to mention to me that I should be looking for a house with some extra space when I went househunting,” Justin spat, not wanting to think about his mother.

“Don't blame her,” Brian requested quietly. “It's not her fault. She didn't have a choice.”

“There is always a choice. You're the one who taught me that lesson, so don't pretend now that she didn't have a choice.”

“She only did what she thought was best for everyone involved,” Brian tried once more.

“You know what? I am sick and tired of hearing that bullshit. Nobody took my feelings into consideration, nobody asked me what I thought was best... and you know what? Last time I looked this was my life. So excuse me for thinking I would have a right to a choice,” Justin spat angrily, glaring at Brian. Lowering his eyes to his hands, Justin muttered. “This is not helping. We're not getting anywhere this way...”

“You're right,” Brian agreed. “Let's focus on Luke and leave it at that,” Brian said in a resigned voice. “So, you can come over whenever you want. Just be aware that Luke is in preschool until 3pm.”

“Where does he go to preschool?”

“In Washington, about ten minutes by car from Britin.”

“I-I could pick him up on my way in from Pittsburgh. If that's okay with you,” Justin offered.

“Sure.” Brian nodded, before he frowned. “I'll have to talk to your mother.” At Justin's dark look, Brian explained. “She usually picks him up on Tuesday's when I am at the office and brings him to Kinnetik. I take him back home in the evening when I am done at work.”

“She can continue doing that,” Justin replied.

“But...,” Brian started, then stopped at Justin's look.

“I don't want to change his entire routine, Brian. He's five. He...we'll need time to get to know each other. Maybe... maybe it's a good thing if we're not rushing things. I don't want to change his life just because I am suddenly in the picture,” Justin explained. “Any other things I need to know?”

“The same goes for Thursday's. Only it's Debbie picking him up then and he spends the day with her at the diner until I pick him up,” Brian answered.

“At the diner?” at Justin's raised eyebrow Brian couldn't help but shrug.

“What can I say? The more colourful the people around him, the more entertained our son is,” Brian explained.

“So... can I pick him up tomorrow?” Justin asked hesitantly, not looking at Brian, but his hands as he asked the question.

“Sure. I'll let the school know that you'll pick him up and will add you to the list of approved people to pick him up.”

“Okay,” Justin nodded. “And we scratch this?” He asked with a look at the custody papers.

“If that's what you want, yes.”

“I... I think we should be fine without... As long as we make sure that Luke stays our priority.”

Brian only nodded at that and then got up. “Well, I guess that's that. I'll see you tomorrow then. I'll have Ted text you the details of Luke's school.”

And with that Brian left the kitchen and the house.

Chapter 10

“Where is Brian?” Daphne asked when she and Emmett came back into the house with her father ten minutes later and only found Justin sitting at the kitchen table.

“He left about ten minutes ago.”

“And what about the custody papers?” Daphne's father inquired, looking at the papers in front of Justin.

“We agreed that we don't need them,” Justin informed him calmly, bracing himself for the explosion he was sure was to come at that announcement.

“You what? Of course you need them, Justin. What if that asshole decides once more that you shouldn't be in your son's life,” Daphne nearly yelled.

“He won't,” Justin told her calmly.

“How can you be sure of that?” Daphne asked him in total bewilderment. “It's not like he didn't try to keep you out of it before.”

“Because Brian wouldn't do anything to hurt his children, Daph.”

“And what's keeping you from your son for five years? Is that not hurting Luke?” Emmett muttered angrily.

“I don't expect either of you to understand, okay? But... Brian and I have come to an understanding where Luke is concerned. Neither of us would ever willingly hurt our son and we both know that he needs both of us in his life. We don't need papers and a schedule to tell us as much.”

“Justin, this is not smart. He has all the power if you don't get a custody agreement,” Daphne's father warned his daughter's best friend.

“No, he doesn't. My name is on Luke's birth certificate. I am his legal parent which gives me as many rights as Brian has, too. And... he won't do anything to hurt Luke any further.” 'Or me,' Justin thought to himself, but knew better than to mutter that thought out loud. Neither Daphne nor Emmett would understand this agreement between him and Brian, but he was sure, beyond a doubt, that Brian would keep his word. Brian had never broken a promise to him before and Brian had promised him access to and a relationship with his son. He knew Brian well enough to trust him on this. Why, he didn't know after Brian had betrayed him, but somehow he just knew that he could trust Brian on this.

***

Justin pulled up in front of Luke's preschool and took a deep calming breath. Saying he was nervous would be the understatement of the year. The more he had thought about it, the more he knew that picking up Luke at his preschool was a bad idea. What if the boy didn't want to go home with him? What if the boy didn't trust him and wanted to only be picked up by Brian? What if he would create a scene because he didn't know Justin? God, Justin had driven himself crazy all morning with every possible scenario that could go wrong and now he was sitting here, outside of Luke's preschool and the moment of truth was only minutes away.

This had been a mistake. Definitely a big mistake. He should have let Brian pick him up and should have only come to Britin later. That way Brian could have prepared Luke for what was to come and could have given the boy some time to get used to the changes that were now about to happen in his young life. Bad idea. Yes, absolutely bad idea, Justin thought to himself and rested his forehead on the steering wheel. As far as bad ideas went, this was possibly the worst idea ever.

Justin only lifted his head when he heard his cell phone beep to alert him of an incoming message. He couldn't help but smile when he saw that the message came from Emmett. 'Bring it on, Papa. You'll do just fine. And don't forget, I want a picture of your little munchkin :*'

Justin read the text once more, then put his cell phone away and got out of the car. He didn't want to be late on the first day he was supposed to pick up his son. He made his way over to the entrance of the preschool and was greeted by a nice lady in her thirties who smiled warmly at him.

“May I help you, sir?” she asked in a friendly voice, probably noticing that he looked slightly lost and didn't quite know where to go.

“Uhm, yeah. My name is Justin Taylor and I am here to pick up my son,” Justin started, but was then interrupted by the smiling lady. It still felt weird for him to say 'my son'. After all he had only found out about his existence a mere 48 hours ago.

“Luke Kinney-Taylor. Yes, I know. Mr Kinney has informed us that you would be by to pick up Luke and Luke has been talking about nothing else but you picking him up all day.”

“Really?” Justin all but stuttered.

“Yes, really. He's really excited. I take it you haven't picked him up before?” She asked, still smiling at him.

“Uhm, no. I have mostly been working out of state and didn't have the chance, yet,” Justin answered evasively.

“Well, let me show you around then. Luke is still playing with his friends. He won't notice if you're five minutes late.”

“Uhm yeah, sure. Why not,” Justin answered and then followed her around the preschool.

After fifteen minutes his tour of the premises was done and he had to admit that he was quite impressed. This was definitely a high-class preschool. Then again, he hadn't really expected anything less from Brian. Nothing would be too expensive for his children. They would only ever get to know the best of everything in life as far as Brian would be concerned.

When they had made it back to the entrance hall, the woman, who had by now introduced herself as Simone, disappeared to pick up Luke from his class. Justin heard her coming back before he saw her. Or rather he heard his excited son.

“My Papa is here? Really? Daddy said he would pick me up, but I didn't believe him. He's really here?”

“Yes, Luke. He is really here. See? Over there,” and before she had a chance to say anything more, Luke had run from her side and had propelled into Justin's legs, totally taking him off guard.

“Papa! You're here! You're really here!” The young boy exclaimed as he hugged Justin's legs as if they would disappear the second he'd let go of them.

“Yes, I am here, buddy,” Justin said, feeling just as emotional as his son did as he leaned down and engulfed Luke in a hug. The first time in his life that he hugged his son. And at that moment Justin knew that this had been the worst idea ever. He didn't want to ever let go of Luke again and couldn't stop inhaling his scent and holding him close as the boy hugged him back just as tightly. Justin was only mildly aware of the watching mothers and fathers around him who were all watching this ongoing hug with hardly disguised interest. After about two minutes Justin remembered his surroundings and realised what a spectacle he was making of himself and his son. He carefully loosened the tight embrace from his son and looked at his happy face. “How about we get out of here and go back home?” Justin asked as he picked up his son, still holding him tight, refusing to lose contact with him just yet.

“Okay, Papa. Just don't leave again,” Luke whispered, looking at Justin intently as they made their way to Justin's car.

“Never,” Justin promised, placing a kiss on his son's forehead.

As he opened the door and helped Luke into his car seat, he was once more grateful for Daphne's quick thinking. He would have totally forgotten about something as trivial as a car seat, but she had forced him to go shopping for one after they had left Debbie's house the day before. She had reminded him of all the laws he would be breaking if he transported his son without a car seat and of course she had been right. It was just that he hadn't even thought about something like that. All he could think about was seeing his son and spending time with him for the first time ever.

“I didn't believe Daddy when he said you would come to pick me up,” Luke informed him quietly from his car seat as Justin got behind the steering wheel.

Justin turned around to look at his son. “Why not?”

“You were so angry when you first came to our home and... you said you hated Daddy. I didn't believe him when he said you two had talked,” the small boy told him honestly.

Justin's heart nearly broke when he saw his son's sad eyes. “You heard me say that?”

Luke nodded solemny. “Gus and I were in the kitchen eating a cookie.”

“Oh Luke... jeez... I-I am sorry,” Justin said honestly. “I didn't mean that. I was just really angry about something, but... I didn't mean that.”

“That's what Gus said. He said you're too nice to be that mean.”

“And Gus would be right about that. I am sorry you had to hear that, buddy,” Justin whispered.

“It's okay, Papa. You're here now,” Luke enthused, happily clapping his hands together. “I am really looking forward to showing you my room. Daddy said I can show you my room. Do you want to see my room?” Luke asked, hardly ever stopping to take a breath.

“I would love to see your room, Luke,” Justin nodded and turned back towards the steering wheel, starting the car to get them on the road. Brian was probably wondering where they had disappeared to. They were already 20 minutes late.

Ten minutes later they pulled into the drive of Britin and Luke got more and more excited the closer they got to his home. He was happily bouncing along to the music from Justin's radio in his car seat and was telling Justin story after story about his day at preschool and all the things he had done there. Justin couldn't help but smile at his enthusiastic son. He was so engrossed in his son, that he didn't even have time to become nervous or think about his upcoming encounter with Brian, something that had kept him awake for a long time last night.

He was still pissed with Brian and felt hurt by his betrayal and he had no idea how he was supposed to behave in his company day in and out. In the end he had fallen into an exhausted sleep, knowing that no matter what, he would have to find a way to deal with Brian, since there was no way he was leaving his son's life again.

Once the car had stopped outside of Britin, Justin helped Luke out of his car seat and was pulled towards the entrance of the house by an overexcited five year old.

“Come on, Papa. I have to show you my room. Now!”

“I am sure your room will still be there in five minutes, sonny-boy,” a deep voice greeted them as the door opened to let them in.

“Daddy!” Luke exclaimed excitedly as he ran into Brian's waiting arms.

“How are you sonny-boy? Did you have fun?”

Luke nodded eagerly and then turned towards the door where Justin was waiting. “Papa really came, Daddy. He really picked me up.”

“I told you so. Next time just believe me,” Brian smiled gently, before he let his son down. He threw Justin a quick glance. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Justin replied, still standing in the doorway, not quite sure of what to do with himself. Thankfully, he was saved by his five-year old son. “Come on, Papa. I'll have to show you my room. You have to see my lego dinosaur.”

Justin just nodded, following his son up the stairs towards his room, not sparing Brian another glance. He could do this if he just focused on Luke. Yes, he could. They were stopped by Brian's voice however.

“I'll be in the office if you need anything,” was all he told them, before closing the main door and walking down the hall to what was supposedly his office.

Twenty minutes later Justin had been introduced to all of Luke's toys. Some even by name. He wondered if he would ever be able to remember all those names. He sat down on his son's bed, trying to catch his breath and just relax for a second, when something on Luke's nightstand caught his eye. It was a framed picture. When he took it in his hands, Luke joined him on the bed. It was a picture of him and Brian holding a laughing Gus between them. Gus was maybe three or four years old and they were clearly outside in a park somewhere. They all looked happy and were smiling.

He studied the picture for a long time and didn't notice how Luke had sat down next to him. “I like that picture,” Luke said quietly and Justin looked down at him from surprised eyes.

“Where did you get that, Luke?” he asked, although he had a feeling that he knew the answer.

“Daddy gave it to me. He said with the picture on the nightstand I wouldn't have nightmares and the monsters under my bed would all go away, because they would be scared of my family. Daddy says monsters are scared of happy families,” Luke explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Yes, yes they are,” Justin affirmed, looking back at the picture, not quite able to believe that Brian had remembered the time so long ago when Justin had told him of his childhood memory of his mother giving him a family picture to protect him from nightmares. He couldn't believe that Brian had actually remembered that story and much less had then used it to help his son cope with nightmares as well. “It's a really nice picture, Luke.” He then put the picture back on Luke's nightstand, not wanting to dwell any longer on a past that was long gone.

“Now we can all take a picture together. You, me, Daddy and Gus and then I can have a new happy family picture with all of us,” Luke exclaimed, excited by his own idea.

“Luke, I-...,” Justin started, but then stopped himself. He loved seeing his happy and excited son and he didn't want to dash his hopes. “That sounds like a really good idea,” he said instead and was rewarded by a smile that could have lit up the entire room. Now he understood why Debbie called Luke 'Baby Sunshine'.

This is kind of the image that I had in mind for Luke

Chapter 11

Justin was in his studio, working on his latest painting when he heard the doorbell ring. He sighed, not really feeling like he wanted to be disturbed right now. He had just gotten back into the zone and for the first time in two weeks had managed to paint anything more than a quick sketch here or there. He didn't feel like stopping the work on his latest painting, but the constant ringing of his doorbell didn't really leave him much choice.

Justin put the brush and his colour palette aside and wiped his hands on a cloth he had nearby. Once he deemed himself presentable, he made his way downstairs to the door, hoping against hope that whoever might be looking for him had disappeared. He groaned when he heard the doorbell ring once more. So much for that.

“I'm coming,” he yelled at the closed door, then opened it once he had reached it. His face darkened when he saw Debbie standing outside his door.

“What do you want?” He asked none too friendly, making it clear that she wasn't welcome.

“Christ, Sunshine. Is that a way to welcome me to your house?” Debbie groused, looking at her surrogate son from happy eyes, a big smile on her face.

“It's a way to welcome traitors to my house,” Justin spat at her face, before turning to close the door in her face.

“You wait just one minute there, young man. What are you on about with this traitor business?” Debbie asked, apparently thoroughly confused by Justin's statement.

“Traitor, you know? As in a person who betrays someone such as a friend. That's what I am on about.”

“But I didn't betray you, Sunshine.”

“Let me see. You knew about Luke, didn't you? And you didn't think it was right to tell me that I had a son, so... in my book that makes you a traitor because you betrayed me. Now leave,” Justin explained to her angrily.

“But... Sunshine... That's not true. Brian didn't want us to tell you,” Debbie told him. “I just did what Brian wanted us to do.”

“And you just went along with Brian because you always do as he says. Thanks, Debbie. It was not nice seeing you. Now leave, please.”

“But you two worked things out. You see Luke now. Brian and Jen told me,” Debbie went on, obviously not really understanding why Justin was so angry at her.

“We haven't worked out shit, Debbie. Not that it's any of your business. Now, as I said before, please leave.”

“Sunshine,” Debbie started once more, only to be interrupted by Justin's angry glare.

“Stop using that name, Debbie and leave. I don't want to talk to you or my mom or anyone. Just leave!” With that he slammed the door in her face. For the next five minutes the doorbell rang constantly which nearly drove Justin crazy. He hid away in his studio, turned the music to full volume and continued painting.

Three hours later he was done with his latest painting and left it to dry in the studio. He made his way downstairs to cook some dinner when his doorbell rang again. “Jesus Christ, I swear to God,” he angrily muttered as he stomped to the door and nearly ripped it open.

“Em,” he sighed in relief and smiled at his friend.

“Everything alright? Who pissed in your cheerios this morning?” Emmett asked as he made his way inside Justin's house. He could see the tension in Justin's shoulders and most importantly in his expressive eyes.

“It's nothing. I just thought you were Debbie,” Justin mumbled as way of explanation. 

“Debbie?” Emmett frowned.

“She was here earlier and had a hard time taking a no for what it is. I thought she might have come back to try once more to talk to me.”

“What did she want?” Emmett asked.

“I don't really know. I didn't really give her much chance to say. I had a feeling she wanted to pretend that nothing was wrong and just give her Sunshine a visit.”

“You're kidding,” Emmett's eyes had widened comically. “No way. She wouldn't be that dumb, right?”

“Well, what can I say? The Novotny's aren't known for being smart, are they?” Justin shrugged and flopped down on his sofa, not caring that his remark might have been out of place. He was just so damn angry at the moment.

“Burn, baby,” Emmett chuckled and joined him on the sofa.

“How can she think I would want to talk to her? After she betrayed me as well?”

“Hey, calm down, baby,” Emmett sighed, not liking how agitated Justin's voice was becoming.

“She must know that I know that she has known about Luke all these years. How can she think we would be just fine after something like that?”

“Let me guess. She doesn't see anything wrong in what she did and just blamed everything on Brian. Wouldn't be the first time,” Emmett muttered.

“Yep, that's pretty much been the gist of our conversation,” Justin agreed, then closed his eyes. “God, I didn't expect my return to Pittsburgh to be like this,” he mumbled.

“Well, we all know who is responsible for that,” Emmett said, not even trying to hide the dislike of Brian in his voice.

“Emmett, please, don't,” Justin just sighed, throwing his arm over his forehead. “I have to see him every day and have to say nice things about him in front of Gus and Luke. That's not becoming any easier if you and Daphne fill my head with all his wrongdoings and what a bad guy he is.”

Emmett eyed his friend with concern in his eyes and could see how exhausted Justin looked. He decided to let it go for now. “So, how is the little munchkin?” he asked instead, knowing that Justin could talk about Luke for hours on end without ever tiring. Talking about Luke was the only thing that made his eyes shine and brought a sunshine smile to his lips these days.

“Great, absolutely great. God, Emmett. He's so lovable and smart and funny and it's just so much fun spending time with him. He can talk for hours and it never gets boring listening to him and he loves drawing and he's actually pretty good at it for his age,” Justin enthused, being the proud parent that he was.

“That's good, honey,” Emmett answered, just as excitedly. He had met Luke for the first time two days ago when Justin had taken him to visit his Auntie Em and he had immediately fallen in love with the little munchkin. Emmett had immediately fallen in love with Luke just as Luke had with the tall queen. He had told his Papa afterwards that he couldn't wait to see the 'funny man' again, as he had called Emmett.

“And I think he's finally getting over his fear that I will just disappear. He's not asking me anymore to promise him that I will continue visiting him. I think he finally believes that I am here to stay,” Justin said happily. Emmett knew how much it had hurt Justin during the first days of his visits to Britin when Luke had made him promise to come and visit him again the next day, had nearly begged him to come back again and play with him some more. Not that Emmett could blame the child. After not having his Papa around for five years, he couldn't blame the boy for being very doubtful of anything Brian or Justin told him. For Justin's sake however, he was glad that that phase seemed to be over.

“That's great. And what about Gus?” Emmett dared to ask, knowing that Justin's reappearance hadn't only impacted the life of his son, but also the life of Brian's older son and according to Justin not necessarily in a good way. According to Justin, Gus had refused to spend any time with him when he was at Britin until three days ago. Three days ago Gus had joined Justin and his brother for the first time when they had painted together in the kitchen at the kitchen table.

“He's getting there,” Justin sighed. “He's older and... he remembers me from five years ago. He knows that I've been around before and he has made it through me leaving once before. It's my own fault really.”

“How is it your fault?” Emmett asked, still confused about what had happened to make Justin disappear from Gus' life years ago. He knew that Justin had gone to Toronto to visit Gus even after Brian had stopped talking to him, but he had never known why those visits had stopped.

“I left him once before. I became a part of his life and then suddenly stopped being there for him. Of course he would be wary of me,” Justin explained, though to Emmett that wasn't really much of an explanation at all.

“But why did you stop?” Emmett asked therefore.

Justin shrugged in response. “Lindsay told me on my last visit that visiting Gus was becoming increasingly awkward for them as a family as it was causing trouble between them and Brian. I didn't want to be the cause of trouble between them, so I just took myself out of the equation, really. I was just trying to make things easier for them as a family. After all I was merely his dad's ex-boyfriend and nothing more.”

“So it's really Brian's fault and not yours,” Emmett groused.

“To be honest, I don't think so,” Justin said quietly. He brought a finger to his mouth and started biting his nail.

“Well, he told them he didn't want you around. And now Gus mistrusts you. How is that not his fault?”

“Because I don't really think he ever said something like that,” Justin replied.

“You think they lied?” Emmett raised an eyebrow at Justin.

“Well, it wouldn't be the first time Lindsay would try to drive a wedge between us and... it just doesn't sound like Brian.”

“To me it sounds exactly like Brian. He's the one who kept you out of your son's life for five years.”

Justin eyed Emmett warily. “I know, it's just... I know why he did it and while I completely disagree with his reasoning, I know that it made sense to him and that he thought he was doing me a favour, but... keeping me out of Gus' life makes no sense. Why would he start minding my presence in his son's life, but only a year after he stopped talking to me? He didn't mind for a whole year before Lindsay mentioned it to me and... Brian would never do something that would hurt his children. He wouldn't have done that to Gus. He knew about the relationship I had with Gus. He wouldn't have taken that away from Gus, knowing how important it was to him,” Justin mused.

“You give him more credit than he deserves,” came the angry mutter from his side and Justin couldn't help but chuckle at Emmett.

“No, I just know him better than you do.”

“Have you asked him about it?” Emmett wondered, glancing in Justin's direction.

Justin just shook his head in reply.

“Maybe you should, you know?” Emmett pointed out.

“It's not like we're best friends and just talk about these things, Em. We hardly talk as it is. I mostly only see him when Luke and I get home from preschool and he asks Luke how his day has been. Then I see him again before he goes and picks up Gus and then when he lets us know that dinner is ready. During dinner Gus and Luke keep the conversation going and that's it. Afterwards I leave. The most I've gotten out of him these last two weeks is 'Have a nice evening'.”

“You need to work on that, baby,” Emmett said seriously.

“What do you mean?” Justin frowned in reply to Emmett's serious tone.

“You can't go on like that, baby. For your sake as well as the sakes of Gus and Luke. Don't you think they pick up on the tension between you and Brian?”

“Probably,” Justin mumbled, feeling bad about that truth. Of course they picked up on the tension between Brian and him. Kids were very observant that way. Hell, Luke and Gus had even asked him about what was going on and if he had any idea how their little brains worked, he was pretty sure that they had also asked Brian about the tension between them.

“Not probably. Definitely. You and I both know it. Don't lie to yourself by saying probably,” Emmett chided him.

“And what do you expect me to do about it?”

“Well, there's really only one thing to do. You'll have to forgive Brian,” Emmett said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Excuse me? Did you just say I should forgive Brian? Who are you and what have you done with my Brian dissing friend Emmett?” Justin scoffed.

“I am not the one who has to forgive him, so I can diss him all I want, but you, baby, are the one who is spending every day at his place with your kid running around who is picking up on the tension between you. Tell me, Justin: How do you imagine Thanksgiving to go?” Emmett asked, surprising Justin by bringing up that holiday which was still five weeks away.

“How would I know? I have no idea how Brian and the kids celebrate Thanksgiving or if they even celebrate it at all.”

“Seeing how these kids are the grandkids of Debbie Novotny and Mother Taylor, I am pretty sure that they will celebrate Thanksgiving and will celebrate it with a huge feast with the whole family there. And this year, the whole family includes you, too. Of course they wouldn't want Papa to miss out on all the fun, would they?”

“Fuck,” Justin just muttered as he saw where Emmett was going with this. Of course they would expect him to be there which meant spending a whole day in the presence of Brian, his mom, Debbie and God knew who.

“And then of course we have Christmas coming up only four weeks later. Another lovely family holiday. And then Gus' birthday, Luke's birthday and Thanksgiving and Christmas again. Do you want every of those holidays to be filled with tension and silences because you won't speak to the other people sitting at the table? People that your son loves and adores?” Emmett asked quietly, knowing that Justin hadn't thought that far ahead.

“No, of course not,” Justin just mumbled, realising that Emmett was absolutely right. Holidays filled with tension and silences wouldn't do.

“You told me that you wanted to do what was best for your son. Well, the way I see it, what is best for Luke, is you forgiving all the people he loves and adores and finding a way to get on with them, so he won't suffer from the tension between you.”

“But... how am I supposed to do that? I can't just forgive them and forget what they did,” Justin said angrily. “I can't just make the pain go away and disappear and act like none of this ever happened.”

“And no one expects you to, baby,” Emmett said with a comforting voice, pulling Justin into a hug. “But you will need to find a way to deal with the people in your son's life in a way that doesn't make him suffer from the tension. I am not saying that you should just forget what they did, but you will definitely have to start working on moving on.”

When Justin just buried himself in Emmett's embrace, Emmett went on. “I know it won't be easy, but I know that you can do it for Luke. I know that you would do whatever it takes to make him happy and this is the first step. Just tell yourself that what happened is in the past and can't be changed anymore. No matter how angry you are, no matter how much you hate them for what they did to you, it can't be changed, Justin. Live in the here and now and work on the present and a better future. That's all you can do. Don't keep living in a past that we can't change anymore. Work on a better future for your son.”

When Justin snorted at that, Emmett frowned. “What? I didn't think it was that bad for a pep talk.”

“No, it wasn't,” Justin agreed, still laughing. “It's just funny coming from you of all people.”

“Why shouldn't it come from me?” Emmett asked.

“Have you talked to Ted since he came here to bring the custody papers?” Justin asked with a raised eyebrow.

“No, but that's different,” Emmett pointed out.

“How?”

“We don't have children that rely on us getting along,” Emmett pointed out only to be interrupted by Justin's smug smile.

“Ted is Luke's godfather and you don't think that he won't expect his godfather AND his Auntie Em to be there on Christmas or for his birthday, do you?”

“Shit...,” Emmett just mumbled when he realised that Justin was right and had just used his own argument against him. “I guess we'll have some serious talking to do in the upcoming weeks,” Emmett sighed and all Justin could do was nod.

Chapter 12

After Emmett had left the night before, Justin had spent a long time thinking about what his friend had said and the more he had thought about it, the more he had known that Emmett had been right. He needed to find a way to deal with Brian, his mom and Debbie and everyone else involved in this mess. They were important people in his son's life and Luke would pick up on any tension between them and Justin didn't want that. He didn't want a childhood filled with tension and people that didn't get on for his young boy. He only wanted the best for him which included happiness and lots of love and laughter.

And Justin wasn't fooling himself, he had no doubt that Brian, his mom and Deb loved Luke. That had never been in question from his side. He had pretty much been raised by Deb and Brian after his father had kicked him out as a teenager and before his mom had come around and had kicked Craig to the curb and if there was something he was absolutely sure about, it was that they loved boundlessly. He had to chuckle as he imagined Brian hearing that about himself. Brian would refuse every word. He didn't love, love was for lesbians, but Justin knew better. He had been with Brian on the night Gus had been born and had seen right there and then that there was nothing Brian Kinney wouldn't do for his son.

Justin had sat in his dark studio for hours thinking about all the hurt and pain these last weeks had brought, how much the betrayal of the people he had considered his family had hurt him and the whole time he had asked himself one question over and over again: Was his pain and hurt worth years and years of possible unhappiness in his son's life? Was that pain any reason to keep Luke from having the happiest childhood he could have? The one person who was absolutely innocent in this whole mess and from the beginning the resounding answer had been: NO! Nothing was worth bringing pain into his son's life and as a parent it was his duty to ensure his son's happiness.

For a short while after thinking that he could have done better in recent weeks and could have done more for Luke's happiness, Justin had felt really, really bad and guilty. He had even started to compare himself to his own father. After all his own father had put his own feelings above the feelings of his son as well, hadn't he? And hadn't that been exactly what Justin had been doing as well? Acting hurt and betrayed because he had considered his own feelings to be more important than his son's? Comparing himself to Craig had made Justin drink two shots of Beam. Yes, he had learned from the best. In all ways possible, including pain management techniques. As he had been about to pour himself a third shot, he had looked at the bottle and had stopped what he had been doing. Brian's pain management techniques had never helped anyone and had never solved any problems. If you wanted to deal with pain, you needed to face it head on and work past it. You had to face the issue, work through whatever emotions it had brought to light and then move on. That was how you dealt with pain and that was how Justin had always dealt with things. Drinking away his pain wasn't like him. That was Brian's way to do things. If there had been a problem, he had dealt with it head on, not shying away from any possible confrontation. Why should this be different?

By the time Justin had finally made it to bed, he had resigned himself to what he had to do. He had known that he would need to talk with Brian sooner or later and the sooner it would happen, the better it would be for their son. It might be an uncomfortable talk, but it was a talk they needed to have. There were no two ways about it, of that Justin had been sure.

Now here he was sitting in Brian's office, waiting for Brian to get Gus into bed, so they could talk. Usually Justin had left after dinner, but earlier that night he had taken Brian aside and had asked him for a private talk after the boys were in bed. When Brian had only raised an eyebrow in question, Justin had told him that there was something he needed to talk to him about and that he had no intention of disrupting Brian's evening rituals with the boys. He would just say goodbye to both boys as usual and would then disappear into his car to wait until Brian was alone. When Brian's eyebrow had only risen higher in question at that, Justin had explained to him that he was worried of Luke not going to bed at all if he knew that Justin was staying longer than normal. In the end Brian had to reluctantly agree and just nodded. In his typical Kinney fashion he had just muttered a quick 'Wait in the office instead' and had then left the kitchen without a further glance in Justin's direction.

Justin had been waiting for two hours now, but he was far from being bored. He had his sketchpad and was busily sketching the events of the day. He knew that it would take time to get two boys ready for bed and to sleep and he was also aware that Gus probably stayed up quite a bit longer than Luke would. He had just finished a sketch of Luke working on a card for a sick classmate of his, his pen in his mouth, his face in deep concentration as he had been thinking about what the card should look like. He had been beyond cute in that moment and Justin had just known that he needed to draw that and keep that moment for posterity. He was just wondering what he should sketch next, when he heard the door to the office open. When he looked up, he saw Brian enter, two bottles of water in hand.

Brian handed one to Justin, before he sat down on the other end of the sofa from him. He had insisted that his office didn't only need a desk and a nice chair and some cupboards and cabinets for files, but also a sofa. He had one in his office at Kinnetik and he had always used his sofa at the loft quite a lot as well. Lying down and just clearing his head for a bit had always helped him get fresh ideas and slogans. Though if he was honest with himself, he had used this sofa more often than not to catch a quick nap while Luke had been an infant and had been napping himself. And now here he was sitting with Justin of all people and Justin wanted to talk to him. If only he knew what about. God, he hated being in the dark and not being prepared for whatever was to come.

Brian couldn't help but notice the open sketchpad on Justin's thighs as he handed over the bottle of water and a gentle smile graced his lips as he saw a perfect sketch of their son looking up at him. If he was honest with himself, Brian wasn't really surprised that Justin had been drawing Luke. Justin had always drawn the people he loved most and there had been many, many sketches of Gus and himself back in the day. Though he was quite sure that Justin wouldn't be drawing him any time soon.

“That's marvelous,” Brian said quietly, nodding towards the sketch.

“Thanks,” Justin just replied, before taking a sip from his bottle. He then turned to Brian with serious eyes. “I need to ask you something, Brian,” was all he said.

“You can ask, but I can't promise that I will answer,” Brian replied and Justin couldn't help but notice that much of the snark he had expected to come along with that statement was missing.

“Fair enough.” Justin took a deep breath, then rushed out what he needed to know. “Why did you tell Lindsay that you didn't want me to see Gus anymore?”

Brian stayed quiet for the longest time and Justin was already half expecting not to get an answer, when he saw a familiar play of emotions start on Brian's face. At first there was shock, then something resembling understanding and in the end all Justin could see on Brian's face was anger. He wondered if Brian was angry at him for asking that question and would now yell at him and was slightly surprised when Brian's reply was calm and collected.

“Is that what she told you?” Brian just asked. That was all. No explanation, nothing.

“Not in so many words, but the meaning was clear.”

“What exactly did she say?”

Justin frowned and wondered what Lindsay's exact words had to do with anything. It wasn't like her exact words would give Justin an answer to his question, which was what he also told Brian.

Brian's voice was deathly calm and he just repeated his earlier question. “What exactly did she say?”

It was as if he hadn't even heard Justin's comment or didn't care about it, but something in the deathly calm voice he spoke with made Justin answer anyway. “She said that my visits with Gus were causing trouble with you and were becoming increasingly awkward for them as a family. Why?”

“And you believed her?”

“Back then, yes,” Justin fidgeted, once more overtaken by a feeling of doubt that maybe he had been in the wrong to trust Lindsay and her words. “I had no reason not to believe her.”

“What about now?” When Justin just frowned, Brian elaborated. “You said 'Back then, yes'. What about now?”

Justin sighed, fidgeting some more. “I don't know. It doesn't really make sense to me. Which is why I am asking you. I need to know why you would say something like that to her.”

“Well, I didn't,” Brian just replied matter of factly.

“Y-you didn't?” Justin couldn't help but stare.

“Why would I? Why would I forbid you from seeing Gus, knowing what an important part of his life you had been from day one? Damn, you had spent more time with him than I did during his first years.”

“Shit,” Justin just exclaimed, now feeling ashamed of himself for falling for Lindsay's bullshit. “Why would she say that if you hadn't mentioned anything?” Justin went on after several minutes of silence between them.

“When was this?” Brian asked, looking as if he was trying to find a missing piece to a puzzle.

“Four and a half years ago, a year after...,” Justin didn't know how to continue.

“After I ended things,” Brian ended for him, having no such problems. “Why would I suddenly start having a problem with your visits to Gus after a year? Don't you think I would have minded from the beginning, if I had minded?”

“I guess.”

“That lying bitch,” Brian suddenly muttered angrily and got up from the sofa, pacing the length of his office. “I can't believe that she would do this to Gus, she knew... she fucking knew... God, I hate her so much...”

Justin just watched him quietly, not quite sure what was happening. Why was Brian calling Lindsay names? They had been friends ever since college. She and Michael had been Brian's oldest friends as far as Justin was aware of. Then again, Justin knew that Gus now lived with Brian. Ted had mentioned a nasty custody battle. He wondered what had happened between Brian and Lindsay to make them fall apart like that. Because he was absolutely sure that they had fallen apart. The contempt he heard in Brian's voice was nothing Brian would have in his voice if he was just angry with her for the moment. This was something deep-rooted and for some reason Justin had a feeling it had something to do with the custody battle.

“Why is Gus living with you now?” Justin quietly ventured to ask after he allowed Brian to rant for some more minutes.

“I have custody,” Brian shrugged as if that would answer Justin's question.

“Ted said there was a nasty custody battle. Why? What happened?” Justin would be damned if he would let Brian get away with his non-answer.

“It doesn't matter.”

Justin angrily got up from the sofa now, too and walked over to where Brian was standing, pushing his forefinger into Brian's chest. “Don't you dare do this to me again! You have cut me off for five years and I won't allow you to do it again. I am not some stupid little fag anymore that is too scared of you to push for answers. So answer my god-damn question: What happened?”

“It doesn't concern you,” Brian snarked before he moved away and moved around his desk, flopping down in his large designer desk chair.

“The hell it doesn't! My son is living in this house too and Lindsay's lie affected my relationship with Gus, who still doesn't trust me further than he can throw me. This concerns me, whether you like it or not. After years of being left in the dark, I deserve some answers, don't I? Isn't that the least you can give me? Some fucking answers to my questions? Or am I not even worth that much to you?” Justin glared angrily at Brian's form in the chair.

Brian glared back for several minutes, before he relented. After a long sigh, he just said. “Fine. You want answers? Here they are: Lindsay is a cunning bitch who with the help of her trusted lackey Michael Novotny tried to take Luke away from me. Because you know, I am not fit to raise a child, I never wanted a child to begin with, I had just been trapped by you with a child and all that fucking bullshit she and Mikey just loved to sprout. Well, one day they sprouted it to the wrong person and I had child protective services at my door, investigating whether or not I was a fit parent. When child protective services couldn't find anything amiss, Lindsay tried a different route to get Luke out of my life,” at Justin's confused frown, Brian further elaborated. “Kidnapping.”

Brian saw more than heard Justin's shocked gasp and just continued. He wasn't sure if he could go on telling the story of the worst hours of his life if he didn't get it out in one rush right then. “She came by one afternoon and offered to watch him for a few hours, so I could go out and hang out with Michael like we used to. Michael and I had been arguing for quite some time, but I figured: Why not? Maybe a meeting without a baby, just me and him would help us straighten some things out. So I agreed and hung out with Michael. Well, lets say we didn't quite see eye to eye and I left earlier than Lindsay had expected. I came back in time to find her putting Luke in her car, his favourite toys and some clothes in a carry-on bag she was just putting in the car, too. When I asked her what she was doing and where she was taking Luke, she told me she would take him back to Toronto with her, which was where he belonged. With Gus, his brother, in a loving, nurturing home that Mel and her could provide for him. When I asked her to hand Luke to me, she refused, got in the car and drove away. Of course I followed her and confronted her at the airport. She had purchased a ticket for herself and Luke and had even gotten him a passport with the name Luke Peterson-Kinney. When I confronted her at the airport, we must have caused quite a scene and police was called. In the end we were both taken in and Ted had to come by with Luke's birth certificate to prove he was my son. Of course Lindsay hadn't been working on her own and Michael showed up, claiming that she was the mother and I had taken away her child and had forged his birth certificate and that her child belonged to her. As it was word against word, we needed a DNA test to prove that I was really Luke's father and she was no physical relation to him. You can imagine that I came after her with everything I had after that,” Brian sighed as he finished.

Justin's hand had flown to his mouth several times during Brian's story and as crazy as it sounded, he didn't doubt its truth for one second. Brian wouldn't lie to him and had no reason not to tell him the truth and Justin could see the pain on Brian's face that just telling him had caused.

“But...why? Why would she do that? And Michael? Why would he help her?” Justin was still too shell-shocked to get out more than that.

Brian shrugged. “I wasn't playing into her fantasies of a happy family by keeping Luke here with me. Since I wouldn't ever father another child for her, she knew that Luke was the only way for her to get a second Kinney baby. And what better to keep her in the lap of luxury than me paying for all her needs because she was raising my sons? Well, she didn't count on me being a father and loving my sons and not seeing her as anything but a friend and definitely not Luke's mother, my wife or whatever other fantasy ran through her crazy mind and that's when she got desperate... As for Michael,” Brian sighed. “You can imagine how well he reacted to me being pregnant. With your child.”

Despite the serious topic of their conversation Justin couldn't help but chuckle. “He must have loved that. The mighty stud of Liberty Avenue carrying the twink's child.”

“Yeah, kinda like that,” Brian sighed. “Add some ideas of me being trapped by you and me not being able to live my life the way I wanted to because of your spawn of evil and you get why he wanted to have Luke far away in Canada.”

“That is fucked up,” Justin just muttered. “Totally crazy!”

“Welcome to my life with those two.”

“And now?”

“What now?”

“What is your relationship with them now?” Justin asked.

Brian looked at him as if he had grown a second head. “Relationship? With those two? Are you crazy? After what they did?”

“You're not in contact with them anymore?”

“After what they did? No way! They tried to kidnap my child. They can rot in their prison cells for all I care and if they ever make it out, I have a restraining order against both of them and both should know better than to contact me or the boys in any way,” Brian spat.

“Prison?” Justin asked wide-eyed.

“She tried to kidnap a minor across state lines and Michael was her accessory. Of course they are in prison,” Brian spat angrily.

Justin just nodded at that. “Good.”

“Good?”

“Well, I wouldn't want them around my son,” Justin explained. “So I am glad that's taken care of.”

There was once more a silence between them as each man tried to come to terms with what they had told or heard that evening. After what seemed like forever, Justin was the one to first break the silence. “So...why did she lie to me? Why would she do that?”

“Because she never cared about what was best for Gus, but what was best for her,” Brian angrily retorted.

Justin raised an eyebrow in confusion. “What?”

“If she had cared about Gus in any of her plans, she wouldn't have told you that and would have let you continue visiting him. It's what would have been best for Gus, to continue having a relationship with you, but instead she did what was best for her by pushing you as far away from any of us as she could. Just imagine Gus had let it slip that he now had a small baby brother. Or you would have seen a baby at her place that had your eyes, your blond hair and your smile. Where would have been her future of raising a second Kinney baby if you were back in the picture?”

Justin contemplated Brian's words and had to agree that they made sense. This had probably been Lindsay's way to get him out of the picture once and for all. He hadn't been talking to Brian and if he also stopped talking to Gus and her, there was no way for him to find out about his son. After all Lindsay had to already have known that Debbie and his mom had been in on it from the beginning. Just as Justin contemplated this some more, something else caught his attention.

“What... what if Gus had mentioned something to me?” He suddenly asked. “Weren't you scared he would?”

Brian just lowered his gaze. “Not really...”

“Why not? I could have found out and... damn,” Justin exploded then, angrily staring at Brian. “You wanted him to tell me. You fucking asshole wanted him to do it, so you didn't have to. As you didn't have the balls to face me.”

“That's never been it,” Brian took a deep breath before he continued. “I told you I wanted you to have a shot at your career and I only did what I thought was best for you.” Brian ignored Justin's incredulous snort and continued. “However, if Gus had mentioned Luke to you and you had shown up... well, I guess I would have dealt with it then.”

“And then I disappeared from Gus' life and you didn't have to worry about that anymore. Everything worked out just peachy for you, huh?”

“I...I just figured that you were tired of being reminded of me every time you spent time with Gus and that was why you disappeared from his life. Trying to make a clean cut so you could move on.”

“The fuck I could,” Justin grumbled as he flopped back onto the sofa, exhausted from their conversation. Justin ran a hand through his hair, feeling utterly frustrated. “When did we stop getting each other?” he suddenly asked, making Brian frown.

“What?”

“When did we stop getting each other? I mean... you always got me. You always knew what I felt before I felt it. Damn, after the bashing, with Ethan, about Rage and Hollywood. You always knew my feelings better than I did and I... I understood you and knew you. Damn, I had pretty much written the damn Kinney operating manual. Wh-when did that stop? When did we go so wrong?”

“Justin,” Brian started, but was interrupted by Justin's rush of words.

“I mean... we were supposed to get married. How did we go from that to this? How did we go from planning a wedding to not talking at all for five years and you keeping my son from me because you thought I needed a goddamn career?” Justin exclaimed.

“You thought so, too, Justin,” Brian quietly pointed out. “We agreed. That's why we called off the wedding.”

“No, you agreed. You wanted this goddamn career for me. I have never cared. I have never wanted it and I have never needed it. You have!”

“Then why did you agree to go? Why did you move to New York? If you cared so little, why did you care enough about your career to cancel the wedding?” Brian asked, refusing to take all the blame. Justin had wanted a career. Justin had wanted to move to New York. He couldn't blame that on Brian. Yes, Brian knew what he had done wrong, but the career had not been his idea.

“Because you pushed me away.”

“I did no such thing.”

Justin felt his anger dissipate when he realised that Brian probably really believed that. His voice took on a gentler note when he continued speaking. “You didn't even notice, did you? The closer we got to the wedding, the less you were you. You stopped being you and changed into someone I didn't know and couldn't marry.”

“I was trying to please you. Be who you wanted me to be.”

“I have only ever wanted you to be you,” Justin calmly replied. “Nothing more, nothing less.”

“Me? The me you left twice because you couldn't stand me? The me you ran away from twice because you couldn't stand to be around?” Brian spat.

“Yes, that you. Because that's who you are and I was too foolish to understand that at the time. You are the wild tiger, but... in the days leading up to the wedding you became a house kitten. And I only realised then that I didn't want a house kitten when I had fallen in love with the tiger. I...,” Justin struggled to find the right words. “I wanted you, I loved you, not some god-awful imitation of who you used to be.”

“Then why did you go to New York? Why did you go for a career you insist you have never cared about,” Brian asked and for the first time Justin felt like he could feel something like pain inside of Brian as well. He was glad, because pain meant that Brian cared and was struggling with their past and how they had ended as well. It wasn't just him.

“To give you the space you needed to find yourself. You weren't ready for a commitment like that. You thought you had to change into something you weren't to please me and at the same time I realised that you would never be truly happy with me unless I had a career to equal yours.”

“That's bullshit,” Brian snapped, staring at Justin from angry eyes.

“Is it, Brian? Because how many times have you told me that you don't believe in birthdays or holidays or whatever, but you only believe in achievements? And what achievements did I have to show for myself? I hadn't even finished PIFA, had been kicked out in fact. That would have made for quite some dinner conversation if you had introduced me to your business partners as your husband: Oh, by the way, this is my husband. 'What does he do, Brian?' 'Oh, nothing much. He dabbles a bit in painting, but other than that, he lives off my hard earned money. It's why people call him my twink and boytoy even now,” Justin mimicked the imaginary conversation. “That would have been embarrassing and you don't do embarrassing. Didn't it use to make your dick soft?”

“I have never thought of you like that,” Brian just replied quietly and Justin didn't know why, but he felt like he heard the sincerity in Brian's words and could trust them.

“But I felt like that. How else was I supposed to feel with you constantly telling me that achievements are all that matters?” Justin asked, not looking up from his hands in his lap. “I felt so inadequate at your side. You were the successful businessman and I hadn't even finished school. I knew you would never be proud of me unless I did what you wanted me to do and went to New York to work on that career. You want to know why I went and worked on a career I had no interest in for five years? To make you fucking proud.” Justin hadn't noticed the angry tears that had started escaping his pained eyes during his tirade. He angrily dabbed them away and flinched when he felt Brian's hand on his cheek, wiping his tears away.

“Damn, Justin. Why didn't you tell me? I have never meant to make you feel that way. I was fucking proud of you day in and out. Damn, after everything you had been through, how could I not be? You lost the ability to draw and fought so hard to get it back. You had a successful comic book released by the age of 19, by the age of 21 you had been to Hollywood and had worked on a major movie production. Damn, how could I have not been proud of any of those achievements?”

“Then why did you insist on me going to New York?” Justin sobbed.

“Because I thought it was what you needed. I thought it was also what you wanted to do, that you were too young to settle for a life in the Pitts. I-I thought you would come to resent me at some point if I were the reason for you not following your career and... I knew you would have a great career. Damn, you've got more talent in your small finger than my whole art department,” Brian whispered.

“I am not you and never was,” Justin angrily spat, pushing Brian away. At Brian's confused expression, Justin explained his comment further. “I could have never resented you. Damn, I wanted a life with you from the day I had met you. How could I ever resent you for making my biggest dream a reality? But of course you couldn't look past your own nose. Because you would have resented me if our roles had been reversed. Because you only believed in achievements and a big career and money and symbols to show how wealthy and successful you are. And I get it, after how you grew up, it makes sense that you would need to validate yourself that way, but... I am not you and never was, Brian. I never grew up like you. Believe it or not, until I came out, I grew up happily. I had a family that loved me, we had money, we travelled, we went on trips together. I had everything a child needed and... I guess I never felt the need to validate myself the way you felt you had to, because I was never lacking anything when I grew up, but... when my parents threw me out... I realised that all the money in the world can't bring you happiness. It can make you appear happy on the outside, but it can never make you happy and I knew that the only way for me to be happy was to be with you. And for me that happiness was all I needed. Do you know when I was happiest with you? When you had nothing... When you had to sell everything to pay for the Stockwell videos.”

At Brian's confused frown, Justin continued. “Because then it was just you and me. No status symbols to pretend, no money, nothing. It was just you and me and we were responsible for our own happiness. And while I was happy as can be, you hated every second and couldn't wait to get your money back. But money never mattered to me, it only ever mattered to you. I only ever cared about a future with you and... a family was my biggest dream. Happiness with you and our family... I have dreamed of that since I was seventeen and you took that away, Brian. You took that away because you couldn't accept that I am not like you,” Justin ended angrily.

Brian had listened in silence to all that Justin had said and he wondered if Justin was right. Was this really his doing? Had he pushed Justin to New York because Justin had felt like he needed to do that for Brian? To please Brian and to make him proud? And had Brian really been so blind to Justin's feelings that he had believed that Justin wanted a career instead of a future with him? And their son? Damn... the more Brian thought about it, the more he realised how much he had really fucked up. And all because he had gone by his own experiences and his own expectations of life, but Justin was right: Justin had never been like Brian. Justin had always been more mature, more grown up and more controlled by his emotions than Brian had ever been. Everything Justin had said made sense to him and Brian just wondered why he had never contemplated another point of view but his own in all these years.

Damn, he had fucked up and worse than he had thought. He hadn't done Justin any favours by leaving him in New York on his own while he had had his son and had raised him. He had probably taken Justin's biggest dream from him without giving Justin's feelings a second thought. What kind of asshole did that make him?

Chapter 13

“Fuck, Justin,” Brian whispered as tears started to run from his own eyes as well. “I... I am so sorry.”

“S-sorry is bullshit,” Justin muttered angrily in reply.

Brian shook his head. “No, no it's not. Not when you really mean it and... when the other person needs to hear it. God, I-I have never really considered any of what you have just said and you're right, I have never considered your feelings and just went by what my idea for your life has been and... God, it's probably the most fucked up thing I've ever done in my life,” Brian gasped as the truth of that statement hit him. How Justin could still be around him, he couldn't understand and it made no sense to him. However as he looked at Justin's tear-strained face a guilt overcame him like he had never felt before. He couldn't stand looking at his broken ex-fiance one second longer and just got up and practically ran from the room.

“Brian?” Justin's eyes followed Brian out of the room and down the hallway. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Justin angrily spat as he repeatedly hit the sofa with his right fist.

He waited in silence for Brian's return for several minutes, but when he didn't hear anything announcing such a return, he slowly but surely accepted that Brian wouldn't return to finish their conversation. Damn, where had he disappeared off to? Justin wondered, before he got up and went in search of his lost conversation partner.

“Brian?” Justin called out as he made his way through the hallway to the kitchen and then from there to the living-room and the media room. He didn't see Brian anywhere. When he was sure that Brian wouldn't be on the ground floor, he went up to the second floor to look for him there.

“Brian?” He called out once more, this time more quietly as not to wake Luke and Gus, who were both sleeping. After checking all the upstairs rooms and checking that Gus and Luke were both still far away in their dreams in dreamland, he made his way back downstairs. Where could Brian have gone? He hadn't heard a car, so he was sure Brian hadn't left Britin. And he was also pretty sure that Brian wouldn't do something like that, not with Luke and Gus at the house. Brian was more responsible than that. Which only left the patio and the grounds to look for Brian.

Justin made his way to the living-room and was relieved when he saw the open patio door. Brian had come through here on his flight from the office. Justin went outside as well and looked around at what he could see of the garden. He was just about to turn around and go back inside, when a small light to his left caught his attention. As he moved closer, he started to recognise Brian's shuddering form sitting at one of the deck chairs next to the pool, a cigarette in hand.

A flood of relief went through Justin as he slowly moved over to where Brian was sitting. He didn't say anything and just wordlessly held out his hand to Brian, who just as wordlessly handed him the cigarette, knowing that that was what Justin had requested with that gesture. Justin took a long drag from the cigarette, before he gently exhaled and handed it back to Brian.

“Didn't you quit?” Justin asked the older man quietly.

“Started again,” was all Brian offered in reply.

“You shouldn't have. Not on my behalf.”

“Don't flatter yourself. You know I never do anything I don't want to do,” Brian snapped.

“Boy, don't I know that,” Justin agreed readily. “Guilt makes my dick soft,” he announced next after what felt like an eternity of silence between them during which they had shared three more cigarettes.

Justin was relieved when he heard a snort from Brian.

“It does,” he confirmed. “I can't stand it.”

“Well, good for you,” Brian offered.

“And most of all I can't stand it from you,” Justin went on in a cold voice. “Brian Kinney doesn't do guilt. He doesn't feel guilty for anything he has ever done. He's in your face, he's honest to a fault about everything, but most of all he's unapologetic. You don't like him or what he does? You fuck off, don't expect him to change for you.”

“What's this? A sales pitch? You're doing a piss-poor job,” Brian snapped.

Justin only shrugged in response. “That's why you're the ad exec in the family, not me.”

“We're not a family,” Brian sighed, throwing away the last cigarette which he had just finished seconds before. Leaving an unspoken “I have made sure of that.” hanging between them.

“See? That's where you are wrong, Brian. You are one of the smartest human beings I've ever met, but sometimes you can be so dense it's painful.”

Brian didn't even look up at that comment, so Justin went on.

“What are we, if not a family? You and I have a son together. We are both his fathers, that makes us family. Whether you like it or not.”

“More like, whether you like it or not, right?” Brian spat angrily, getting up from his place on the deck chair.

“You're right, I might not like it and it might not make me happy to think about spending the rest of my days being in some way connected to you after what you did, but... the truth is what it is and we can't change it: We have a son together. That makes us a family! Whether we like it or not. We're stuck in this together, Brian and now it's for us to figure out how to make this work!” Justin declared heatedly, before he ran a hand through his hair.

“Just an hour ago I told you that having a family with you has been my biggest dream since I have been seventeen. This is what I have dreamed about all my life,” Justin explained next, interrupting himself when he realised the absurdity of his statement. “Well, not this exactly. In my dream it was more of a consensual decision and more of an us being together thing, really, when I dreamed it, but...,” Justin walked over to where Brian stood and looked him directly in the eye. “This is life. Real life. And if I have learned one thing in this life it's that dreams never come true the way we expect them to. So what, this dream didn't exactly work out the way I wanted it to, but what reality gave me is still pretty fucking close to it. We still have a child together, a beautiful son who I know we both love more than anything and that will bind us together until our last days on this planet. What more could I have asked for? No, it's not happened the way I imagined it to, but I refuse to be unhappy about that any longer. I will not be mourning something that could have never been real anyway. Instead it's time to be grateful for what we have instead and that's what I plan on doing, Brian.”

Justin saw that he had Brian's rapt attention and that Brian was looking at him intently. “And I want you to do the same. This can't work if it's just me moving on. We both have to move on, Brian. What happened was shitty, god... it was beyond shitty and... i-it will take me a long time to really work past all that, but I will try. For Luke, for our family.” Justin could see the doubtful look in Brian's eyes and went on. “And I need you to do the same. Drowning in guilt is not going to help anyone. It's not going to make any of this easier on any of us, it's not going to make any of this go away. All it will achieve is driving us apart again and we can't have that. That can never happen again, Brian. We have Luke to think about and I refuse to let you push me away again.”

When Brian was about to say something to that, Justin held up a forefinger and silenced him effectively with that. “I am not saying you would do so again. I... All I am saying is...”

It was clear that Justin was still ordering his thoughts, so Brian allowed him some peace and quiet to get what he wanted to say right.

“I was thinking about this... this whole thing we've been doing for the last few weeks and it's not enough, Brian,” Justin whispered. “It's all good and well, but it's not enough. It's not enough effort from me, I know that now. I owe Luke to make his childhood as happy as I can, but instead of doing that, I am holding on relentlessly to a grudge against his favourite person on this planet. How can he not notice? How can that be good for him? So... I realised I have to do better and I will,” Justin said full of determination. “I will, Brian and I expect you to do the same. For Luke. He only deserves the best from us and this has not been our best. Far from it. I've been behaving like he doesn't exist, putting my pain and my emotions first, when I should have put him first and that's what I will do from now on. I will put him and Gus, yes, Gus as well as he's part of this family, too,” Justin explained when he saw Brian's confused expression at the mention of his son. “I will put them first from now on which means I will do whatever it takes to make them happy and I intend to start doing that by treating their favourite person in the world more fairly.”

Justin misinterpreted Brian's shocked silence and thought he hadn't gotten what he had said. “You, I meant,” he therefore supplied.

“I-I know,” Brian stammered in reply. He stared at Justin intently, trying to gauge his words. Could Justin mean what he thought he meant? Brian didn't want to jump to conclusions, not after jumping to conclusions about Justin's feelings had resulted in them being apart for five years. So, just to be sure, he asked for clarification.

“Wh-what do you mean by that?”

Justin shrugged. “I-I guess I want us to be friends. If we're doing this, which I know I am and I know you're too, we'll have to find a way to be around each other. We can't divide our time with Gus and Luke until they're moving away just because we can't stand to be in the same room with each other. We're a family, so we need to start acting like one. We... we need to do things together, as a family. You, me and the boys,” Justin explained, a small smile gracing his lips.

At the mention of being friends, Brian's face fell. He quickly masked his disappointment by putting one of his masks in place, hoping against hope that Justin hadn't seen that moment of weakness. He had been crazy to think that Justin meant anything else. What had he expected after what he had put Justin through? But much to Brian's disappointment, Justin had seen and had recognised Brian's reaction to his words.

“I can't do that, Brian. I-I... no way! I can't!” he muttered, before he lowered his eyes.

“I know,” Brian answered, resigned to the truth of Justin's words. Anything else would be doomed to fail anyway as clearly there had been no time to work through whatever issues they had and to move on properly. He knew that, deep down he had accepted it weeks ago when Justin had reappared in his life, but some small part of him had kept hoping anyway, but it was only too well that that hope had been dashed right away by Justin. At least they would know where they would be standing. Friends. They would be friends. He wondered if they would be able to make that work. They had been a lot of things, lovers, sex partners, ex-lovers, boyfriends, partners, even fiances, but they had never only been friends, so this would be new for both of them. And as intimidating as the thought was, somehow Brian also felt reassured. They would do just fine as friends. He was sure of that and he would do his damnest to make this friendship work. Not only for Gus and Luke, though he would do everything he could to make it work for them, but also for himself. Having Justin as a friend would definitely be better than the strained silences they had shared in recent weeks.

He slowly walked over to Justin's side and took the smaller man into his arms. “Friends is good. Way better than what I expected and deserve. I can do friends,” he assured the younger man as he hugged him close.

At first he felt Justin stiffen during his embrace and was slightly hurt by that reaction, but then he realised that maybe he had been too bold and too fast. He quickly released Justin and took a step back. “I-I am sorry. I just thought friends hug. My bad.”

Justin shook his head and chuckled softly. “They do. You're right. I-I was just surprised. I didn't mean to,” he waved his hands helplessly, to explain the situation.

“It's fine. We'll work this out. Together,” Brian stated confidently, looking at Justin from earnest hazel eyes. “You're the most determined person I've ever known and I am known to be quite stubborn, too. If not us, who else could make this work?” Brian asked with his well known Kinney smirk.

Justin couldn't help but laugh and shook his head at Brian's smirk. “Right.”

Brian then joined in Justin's laughter and for the first time in more than five years they were laughing again together. And surprisingly it felt good to both of them.

Chapter 14

It had been three days now since their long night of talking and as far as Justin was concerned, they were doing okay, he thought to himself as he was on his way to Gus' school to pick up Gus. Ever since their long overdue conversation he and Brian had managed to not kill each other or more like Justin had managed not to kill Brian when they were in the same room and had even managed to have civil conversations with each other – with and without the children present. Justin knew that it would still take some time and work from either of them to really become friends in the truest sense of the word, but he had never expected that to happen overnight. Too much had happened in the last six years and he and Brian had different ways of dealing with that and working through this mess. However they had both found ways to deal with it on their own and were slowly beginning to move on. Justin also had the feeling that their new friendship was having a positive effect on Gus and Luke, but maybe he was just imagining that. Or maybe he just wanted it to be true even though it wasn't.

Justin waited for a couple of minutes outside Gus' school, until the boy came up to the car with a confused frown on his face. “Where's dad?”

'Lovely greeting,' Justin thought to himself, but then remembered whose son he was talking to. Straight to the point, no time wasted on unnecessary politeness. At times Gus was so much like Brian, it was scary. He could only wonder if Luke would turn out to be that much like either of them as well. That might be scary as they both had more bad traits than Justin cared to think about and name.

“He was caught up in a conference call that got delayed, so I offered to get you. I hope that's okay,” Justin offered in way of explanation to the small boy that was just fastening his seatbelt.

“Sure...whatever,” Gus just muttered, before turning to look out the window.

“How was your day? Did you have fun?” Justin tried to engage the boy in a conversation.

“Yeah, it was nice,” Gus muttered, never looking away from the window of the car.

Justin sighed to himself, then started the car and made his way back to Britin, resigning himself to a quiet drive back. They had just left the school grounds, when the silence in the car was broken by Gus's quiet voice.

“Will you leave Luke like you left me?” There was no accusation in Gus' voice, just a silent question that he had asked. Justin was so shocked by that question however, that he had to stop the car at the side of the road. He counted to ten before he turned around in his seat and looked at Gus in the back of the car.

“Why would you ask that, Gus?”

Gus just shrugged. “I want to know. You left before and Luke really loves you, he would be very sad if you left again.”

Justin eyed the boy, who looked so much like Brian, that Justin's breath got stuck for a second. Like a hurt Brian. The pain in Gus' eyes, the way he hung his head, avoiding to look at Justin at all, Justin had no problems imagining a young Brian to look exactly the same.

“What about you?” Justin asked, somehow having a feeling that this was not about Luke, but about Gus himself. About Gus preparing himself for what could possibly be more pain and disappointment in his young life.

Gus just shrugged once more. “I will be fine. I am already ten, but Luke is still small. He won't be as fine as I am.”

“It's good to know that you're looking out for your little brother,” Justin smiled gently at Gus. “I really love that and it makes me happy to know that Luke has you for a brother. You're a good boy, Gus. The best brother anyone could wish for.”

Justin had meant every word of what he had said and had to smile to himself when Gus looked up at him with wide eyes. “Really?”

“Really,” Justin confirmed with as much conviction as he could get into his voice. “Luke is so lucky to have you and your daddy is also lucky to have you around and,” Justin took a deep breath before he continued,”I hope that one day you'll allow me to be one of those lucky people again as well.”

Pained, hazel eyes met gentle, blue eyes.

“Not if you leave again.”

“I don't intend to,” Justin whispered. “I promise you, Gus. There is nothing, absolutely nothing that will ever pull me away from you and Luke ever again. I-I am sorry about what happened and I am sorry about not being there for you and Luke before, but sometimes,” Justin frowned, wondering how he was supposed to explain what had happened to a ten year old boy, “sometimes things happen that are out of our control and then other people make decisions for us. Not always the best decisions and not always the right decisions, but there is nothing we can do but live with them. Which is what happened. Someone else made the decisions for me, Gus and my fault was that I allowed them to do so and for that I am sorry. More sorry than you'll ever know.”

At that point Justin was interrupted by Gus. “Was it Daddy?”

Justin frowned and looked at Gus. “Why would you think that?”

Gus shrugged. “He said he had done something bad to you and that you were angry at him because of what he had done. That's why you argued with him when you came to Britin. Daddy said you were angry at him because he had done something bad and that's why you would only ever stay with us for some time and not all day. That it was his fault.”

Justin had listened to all Gus had said and didn't quite know how to respond to that. What was he supposed to say? “Gus, I... you're right, but... it's complicated. It wasn't only your Daddy, but... he's right, he did something bad, but... that's in the past and we can't change it anymore.” Justin tried to smile when he continued. “Now I am back, though, making my own decisions and my first decision was to be the best father you and Luke can hope for, a father you and Luke can be proud of and can love.”

Gus' eyes had widened to almost comical proportions at the end of Justin's speech. “Y-you want to be my father, too?”

Justin smiled gently and nodded at the boy, a boy so hurt and insecure that it pained Justin's heart. He could only imagine what Gus had been through. Brian had told him bits and pieces about the kidnapping and the subsequent custody trial, but he hadn't really mentioned what effects all of that had had on Gus, though Justin had no doubt that there had been effects. How could a small boy go through losing his mothers, moving to another country to be with his father and brother and not be affected by all that? “I'd love to be your father, too, Gus. I love you and have loved you since the night you were born. And even though I haven't seen you in recent years, I've always loved you and thought about you constantly. I'd love to not only be Luke's Papa, but yours as well.”

Gus pulled in his bottom lip and Justin knew he was biting on it. Once again a trait that was so Brian and that Gus had obviously inherited from him. It was clear that he was contemplating what Justin had said.

“Do I have to decide immediately?” Gus asked after several minutes of silence.

Justin chuckled at that. “No, you don't have to. Take all the time you need. And I won't be angry if you say no. It's your decision, Gus. Just know that I love you and Luke more than anything and from this day on, I will never ever do anything that will hurt either of you,” Justin promised.

“Do you swear?”

“If you want me to, sure. I swear that I will never ever do anything to hurt either you or Luke and I will never leave either of you again. I will always be there for you, as your father, your friend, your uncle or whatever you want me to be,” Justin said seriously, holding up his hand to undermine his vow.

“Okay,” Gus nodded, before seriously adding. “I'll let you know when I decide.”

“I can't wait,” Justin said honestly, smiling his trademark Sunshine smile at the boy. “Ready to go home? Your daddy and Luke must be waiting for us.”

Gus nodded eagerly and Justin was glad when he also saw a smile appear on the younger boys' face. Maybe he and Brian weren't the only ones moving on from the past, maybe he and Gus could, too.

***

Later that evening, Brian asked Justin to stay for a bit longer as there was something he had to talk to him about. Justin frowned, but agreed to stay and listen to what Brian had to say.

They sat at the kitchen island, each having a bottle of beer in front of them.

“I have to go to Chicago for business. Leo Brown demands a meeting,” Brian said, getting straight to the point, just like Justin had expected. With Brian there was no mincing of words or thinking about how to best say something. Brian always got straight to the point which was something that Justin actually admired about him. Whether you liked what he had to say or not, Brian didn't care. He just got what he needed to say out and then it was for everyone else to deal with it.

“You're still doing Brown Athletics?” Was the first thing that came to Justin's mind. Brown Athletics had been with Brian from the very beginning of Kinnetik and to still be with Kinnetik so many years later was kinda surprising in the advertising world.

“There's no reason for him to leave, in fact he would be stupid to even consider it. He knows that he's getting edgy, modern ads from us, the best any agency could offer. Why would he leave?”

“Quite confident of yourself, huh?” Justin couldn't help but chuckle.

“I am the best at what I do. Everyone knows that. Why should I be modest about it?” Brian frowned and for a second Justin wondered if Brian was seriously contemplating his own question, before he realised that Brian was only teasing him.

“Yeah, why indeed,” Justin rolled his eyes. “So, when will you have to leave?” Justin asked, returning to Brian's original announcement.

“Late Sunday evening. I'll be in meetings Monday and Tuesday and hopefully back by Wednesday evening.”

“Okay,” Justin nodded. “Are you taking Gus and Luke with you?”

He wouldn't be surprised if Brian did. Brian adored his sons and even in the short time that he had been back, Justin had noticed how much Brian hated to be apart from them, which was probably why Brian was telling him about his upcoming business trip, so Justin would know that the boys would be out of town with him.

Brian shook his head in reply. “No, Gus has school and I don't want him to miss any days for one of my business trips.”

“So...how do you normally organise your business trips?” Justin raised an eyebrow, having an idea who would be taking care of Gus and Luke while Brian was away and he wasn't sure if he liked his suspicion.

“Usually Gus and Luke stay with your mom or Debbie, while I am out of town. It's only ever for a couple of days at the most and the boys love spending time with their grandmas as do they.”

Justin had feared that answer and at the same time absolutely expected it. When he heard Brian's explanation he just nodded.

“However... Now, things are different, so... I,” Brian stopped and Justin wondered if he was really seeing and hearing what he thought he was hearing. Brian Kinney was nervous. Because Justin was sure that was what was happening as he watched Brian and waited for him to continue. He wondered if Brian's nervousness had something to do with Justin's reaction to whatever he wanted to say.

“I thought we should discuss it together,” Brian ultimately got out in one rush and Justin couldn't help but snort at Brian's nervous expression. “What?” Brian asked annoyed.

“That was hilarious,” Justin laughed, looking at Brian from twinkling eyes.

“I am glad you're amused,” Brian muttered, before he took a sip from his beer.

Justin eyed him and immediately became serious again, maybe laughing at Brian hadn't been the best idea. Obviously Brian was really nervous about Justin's reaction.

“I am not making fun of you,” Justin started, and went on when he saw Brian's doubtful gaze. “It's just that I've never seen you so nervous and … the whole situation just seemed hilarious. I am sorry. I shouldn't have laughed.”

“It's not like I've done this before, so of course I am nervous,” Brian defended himself, still eyeing Justin warily.

“You're scared of my reaction,” Justin said matter-of-factly, knowing that he was right. Whatever Brian was nervous about had to do with Justin's possible reaction to his announcement. “Though I don't really know why. What do you expect me to do?”

“Well, you could yell at me for putting my business first and not making the boys my priority or this could turn into a huge fight about what to do with them while I am away,” Brian sighed, taking another sip from his beer.

“Brian,” Justin got up from his place at the kitchen island and walked over to where Brian was sitting. He stood next to the brunet and eyed him seriously. “I meant what I said to you. We're in this together and I am not here to cause trouble or make things any more difficult than they need to be. I am not a small child anymore. I know how business works and I know that sometimes your job will take you away from Pittsburgh for business trips. That's part of what you do and I've known that for years and years. And you doing what you need to do for your job doesn't make you a bad father or means that you're neglecting Gus and Luke. Quite on the contrary, I know how hard you're working to make sure that they have everything they could wish for and how you make sure they have absolutely everything in life.”

Brian heard the seriousness in Justin's voice and knew without a doubt that Justin had meant every word of his little speech. After several seconds of silence, he nodded in acceptance of what Justin had said.

Once Justin was sure that Brian had taken his words to heart and listened and believed in them, he moved back to his own seat at the kitchen island. “So, what are our options here?”

“You could come here and stay with the boys, while I am in Chicago or they could come and stay with you at your place, or...” Brian started, but didn't finish his sentence, leaving it hanging in the air.

“Or they can spend some days with the grandmas,” Justin finished for him.

“I figured we might rather want to avoid that,” Brian pointed out.

“Why?” Justin asked in confusion.

“The last time I checked you weren't talking to your mom and Debbie and having the boys spend three days with them might lead to you not seeing them for three days. I wasn't sure that was what you wanted.”

“It's not,” Justin agreed.

“So, the way I see it, you either stay here or they come with you to your place.”

Justin just shook his head at that. “That won't work.”

At Brian's frown, Justin elaborated. “When I came back, I wasn't looking for a place that could house two children. I was looking at studio space and space for myself and that's what my house is. Nothing more, nothing less. However it's not a house for a family or for small boys.”

“I am sorry,” Brian started, once again feeling his guilt creep up on him. If only he had let Justin know about his son earlier, then Justin wouldn't have had to buy a place that was not suitable for a child.

Justin just waved Brian's apology away, not ready to get into that discussion once again, only days after their big talk. “It is what it is and I wouldn't feel comfortable taking them there for several days.”

“You could stay here,” Brian offered. “There are several guestrooms to choose from.”

Justin once again shook his head. The thought of staying at Britin over night scared him. He had only ever slept at Britin once before and that had been in Brian's arms in front of the fireplace after Brian had proposed to him and he had accepted Brian's proposal. That had been one of the happiest nights of his life and under their current circumstances the emotions and memories were still too raw and painful for Justin and Justin didn't think he was ready to face them yet. “No,” he silently said without elaborating further.

Brian eyed his former partner and studied him closely. He was no fool and even though he might not have been an expert on emotions and feelings, he still knew what was going through Justin's head that moment. Justin's emotions were openly displayed on his face, for everyone to see and Brian wasn't blind to them. He saw them and he understood them and he had vowed to himself days ago when they had had their conversation that he would accept Justin's feelings. He had ignored them for years and it had broken them apart and destroyed them. He wouldn't make the same mistake again. If Justin wasn't ready to stay here at Britin, then Brian wouldn't push him.

“So, what do we do then?”

Justin took a deep breath and met Brian's enquiring gaze. “I think the boys should stay with Mom and Debbie like they always do.” As Brian was about to reply to that, Justin just held up his hand, urging him to be quiet and let him go on with his own thoughts. “You said they love spending time with their grandmas and I am sure mom and Debbie would love spending time with them. I know that... my presence here has cut into their time with their grandsons.”

Justin wasn't stupid and he knew that he was right in his assumption. If he hadn't been at Britin day in and out to spend time with his son and Gus, he was sure his mom and Debbie would have been over several times a week to see their grandchildren. In fact, he was so sure that they would have been there anyway, with him present or not, that he even suspected that Brian might have asked them to stay away on his behalf. A thought that at the same time made him kinda happy, but also annoyed him. Happy because it meant that Brian was taking his feelings into consideration and was thinking about how he was doing in all of this, but also angry, because it meant that Brian put his well-being before the boys'. After all both boys loved their grandmas and Justin was sure they missed seeing both his mom and Debbie. And he distinctly remembered Brian mentioning at Debbie's that each grandmother would have the boys for an afternoon per week. Something that hadn't happened in weeks because Justin had been at Britin day in and out.

“Justin,” Brian started and instinctively Justin knew what Brian was about to say.

“I can't avoid them forever, Brian. What I said to you also goes for them: I don't want my problems with them to affect Luke and Gus. I am sure that the boys miss both of them and that they love and adore their grandmas. I don't want to be in the way of that. I'll need to find a way to deal with either of them and... maybe this is the push I need to actually do that.”

“Only if you want that. There is no need to rush, Justin. They understand,” Brian said quietly.

“They might, but what about Luke and Gus? Do they?”

At Brian's silence, Justin nodded to himself. He had known the answer to his question himself and Brian had only confirmed it. “They really should spend a couple of days with Mom and Deb and...,” Justin took a deep breath, before he looked up at Brian's warm gaze. “I can go and see them there. It will save me the commute out of town and will give us all a way to figure something out for the future.”

Brian knew that a discussion would be futile and that Justin had made up his mind, no matter what he might want to reply to what the younger man had said, so in the end, he agreed with Justin's point of view, knowing that it was really the only thing he could do.

Chapter 15

Now, merely four days after his conversation with Brian, Justin wasn't so sure anymore that he had made the right decision. Brian had left for Chicago last night and Justin had said goodbye to both Luke and Gus before Brian had taken them to his mother's house where they would stay for two nights, before moving on to Debbie's place where they would spend the last night of Brian's trip with her and Carl. Justin had promised both boys that he would come by and visit them at their grandmothers' places and he knew that there was no way he could renege on that. He had made a promise to his sons and he would keep it, no matter what.

As he slowly drove to his mother's condo, he felt the trepidation rise inside of him. He hadn't seen his mom since that fateful day when he had found out about Luke's existence and her betrayal still hurt. Even worse than Brian's. How could his mother have chosen Brian's side in all of this and gone against her own son? Hadn't she thought he would be capable of raising a child? Had she thought him too young and much like Brian thought she was really doing him a favour? He remembered how she had accused Brian of blackmailing her and how she had only kept the secret from him, so she could be in her grandson's life, but he wasn't ready to believe that.

Pulling up into his mother's street, Justin couldn't help thinking back to his younger years. Their relationship had been difficult and hadn't always been an easy one. His coming out, his relationship with Brian and then the bashing and the aftermath – they'd made it through a lot of bad stuff, but in the end their love for each other had always prevailed and they had kept their relationship going. With time Jennifer had come to terms with his sexuality and most importantly his relationship with Brian and had even accepted his part in Justin's life. When they had been about to marry, his mom had been genuinely happy for him, Justin knew that. He had seen it in her eyes and had heard it in her voice. She had been happy for him and had known how much he loved Brian which only made her betrayal hurt so much more. Justin had really thought that after everything they had been through together, his mother was in his corner unconditionally, but apparently he had been wrong.

Justin parked his car outside his mother's house and looked at it for a long moment. He had no idea where their relationship would go from here or what it could be like after a betrayal like this, but more than anything, he knew that he owed it to his son to try and rebuild whatever relationship there could be.

As he exited his car and made his way over to the door, he wondered if he was really only doing this for Luke, or maybe also for himself. He had always been a mother's boy, he could admit that much and he couldn't imagine a life without her in his corner. As he rang her doorbell, he also realised that he didn't want to imagine a life without her. This was his mother, a woman he loved.

He smiled when an excited Luke opened the door and immediately flew into his arms. “Papa! You're here. I missed you!”

“I missed you, too, buddy. You've got no idea,” Justin said as he picked up his son and hugged him close. Shortly after Gus appeared at the door as well and eyed the hug between father and son from sad eyes. Justin saw the sad, lonely look in the boy's eyes and smiled at him, urging him to come over and join the hug. He didn't want Gus to feel left out and to miss his dad even more than he already had to. “Come here. I missed you, too and I really need a Kinney hug right now,” Justin joked and smiled to himself when he saw a smile appear on Gus' face.

The older boy joined his brother and Justin in the hug and they all laughed and smiled. “So what have you been doing? Have you had fun with your grandma?”

“We made cookies,” Luke excitedly began to chatter away. “She said they're your favourites. We put an extra much of chocolate in them for you.”

“An extra much? How much is an extra much?” Justin asked, his curiosity piqued.

“A lot,” Luke exclaimed.

“We mostly put it in there because Dad is not here to complain,” Gus added and Justin couldn't help but laugh at that. He admired Brian for trying to teach the boys about healthy food and a good diet, but much like Justin, they ate what they wanted and didn't seem to gain a pound. Most of Brian's attempts at a healthy diet were lost on either boy in his life.

“That sounds perfect to me,” Justin smiled, before letting Luke down and following him into his mother's living-room. He saw her putting away some toys and games they had obviously played with earlier and had a feeling that she was trying to give him space and not corner him with both boys there.

“Hey,” he quietly said from the doorway, watching her body straighten up and look at him from sad eyes.

“Hey,” she greeted back. “Brian told me you would take the boys to your studio. Luke and Gus have been really excited ever since they got back from school.”

“We're going to paint. On the big paper. Papa promised we can paint a really big painting,” Luke excitedly exclaimed. “Right, Papa?” Luke looked up at his father from adoring eyes.

“Right,” Justin confirmed and they all watched as Luke excitedly clapped his hands.

“YAY!”

Jennifer chuckled at her grandson's obvious excitement and her gaze softened when she saw the loving looks he was giving his father and the equally loving looks his father gave him in return. It did her good to see her son and grandson together and to know that despite everything they had obviously been able to build a happy father-son relationship.

“When do you want me to bring them back?” Justin eyed his mother from under his long lashes.

“I was hoping you'd have dinner with us,” she carefully voiced her invitation, watching the expressions on Justin's face. First there was something akin to shock and maybe some slight fear, then the look changed to one of resignation and in the end determination.

“Yes, please, Justin. Have dinner with us,” Gus pleaded, looking up at the taller man. He was immediately supported in his claims by his younger brother who also demanded that his father stay for dinner with them.

“I guess I don't have a choice, do I?” Justin chuckled half-heartedly and smiled when both boys happily agreed with him that he didn't. He looked up at his mother and raised an eyebrow at her. “6.30pm?”

“Make it 7pm. That way you will have more time to paint your big masterpiece. We have only just had the cookies and you can take some to the studio to tide you over in case you get hungry before,” Jennifer said, before making her way into the kitchen and picking up a tin box filled with cookies.

“You are the best, Grandmom Jen,” Gus enthused, taking the box of cookies from her and holding it close as if it was a treasure.

“The best,” Luke agreed, running over and hugging his grandmother.

“Now go or you won't have time to paint,” she ushered the boys towards Justin and watched as he took one of their hands each and led them out of the house towards his car. She couldn't help but watch them from her doorway, watching how they all shared a laugh about something and were all smiling and chuckling as they got into his car. When Justin and the boys drove off, she wondered what dinner would bring.

***

After a couple of hours of hard painting work in Justin's studio, both he and the boys were exhausted. Arriving at his house, Justin had given them a quick tour and then had moved everyone into his studio, showing the boys the large canvas he had prepared for them. He got them into old, worn shirts of his, so their clothes wouldn't get smudged by paint and had then showed them a big selection of watercolours, paints, acryls, coals and pencils to choose from for their masterpiece. After everyone had agreed to use the watercolours, they had seriously debated what they wanted to paint. In the end it had been Gus, who had given them all the right idea for what to do. He had remembered a painting that Justin had done of him with his daddy when he had still been a toddler and he suggested that they should do an updated version with Luke and Justin in the picture as well. Luke had been excited about creating a new family portrait and had immediately supported Gus' suggestion.

With both boys urging him to do an updated family portrait, Justin hadn't really had much choice and had set his mind to the task at hand. He had begun sketching a quick version of a portrait which showed the four of them at the dinner table. They always had dinner together nowadays and as far as the boys were concerned dinner was the best time of the day because they were all together. After quickly having designed a happy dinner scene, Justin had explained the next steps to the boys. How he would have to copy the sketch onto the big canvas and how they then had to fill it with colour.

In the beginning both boys had watched excitedly at how Justin had brought the familiar scene of their dinner to life on the canvas and how he had created a life-like imagery of their favourite time of day, but when they had realised that creating a masterpiece was a far more slowly endeavor than either of them had expected, they had begun to get bored. Justin had chuckled in amusement when Luke had complained about how long everything took and how he wasn't so sure anymore that he wanted to help create the big masterpiece. In the end Justin had handed him and Gus some sketchpads and had allowed them to work on their own masterpieces for a bit, while he continued on his masterpiece. Everyone had been happy with that solution and the three of them had had a very happy late afternoon until it was time to leave for Jennifer's house.

By the time they made it to Jennifer's place, everyone was pretty hungry and couldn't wait to see what Jennifer had prepared for them. All three cheered when she announced that she had made one of their favourites: Fried potatoes with peas and chicken nuggets. Especially the boys were excited about getting chicken nuggets. They loved every food they could eat with their fingers. The messier, the better was their motto.

Justin helped set the table with the boys while Jennifer finished the food and all throughout dinner polite conversation was had. Jennifer and Justin kind of avoided each other and never really engaged in direct conversation, but they were lively conversation partners for both boys and made sure to not let them notice any tension at the table. Everyone laughed at Luke's tale of disappointment when he had realised that their masterpiece wouldn't be finished in time for dinner and Justin sighed in relief when he realised that he had made it through dinner without any awkwardness with his mother.

After dinner he was getting ready to say goodbye to both boys, when Luke asked him if he would stay to read him a story before bedtime. Usually Justin would leave after dinner and Brian would take care of their bed time rituals, but since Brian was out of town, Luke demanded that his papa take over and do his fatherly duties. Not wanting to disappoint his son, he threw a quick glance at his mother, asking for her silent approval. He didn't want to make things more awkward than they needed to be. When she quietly nodded, Justin turned to Luke with a big smile and informed his son that there was nothing he would rather do than read him a bedtime story.

After getting both boys cleaned up, helping them with their evening baths and preparing their school outfits for the next day, and having them talk to Brian on the phone for a bit, Justin watched as Luke said goodnight to his grandmother and brother and then grabbed Justin's hand, pulling him into Jen's guestroom. Justin helped his son settle in bed and then moved to sit next to him. Luke looked at him with big eyes, before he moved into Justin's lap and cuddled into his father completely. Justin smiled one of his sunshine smiles at his son and couldn't help but run a hand through his hair in affection. “I love you so much, you know?” He whispered as he placed a kiss on his son's head.

“I love you, too, Papa,” Luke eagerly replied with a big smile of his own. “Today was fun. Can we do that again tomorrow? Please?”

“Do what?” Justin asked, not quite sure what exactly Luke was refering to. Working on their painting? Visiting his studio? Having dinner together? Doing bedtime together?

“Go to your place. I like your place. It's a nice place. There is so much to play with,” Luke explained to his eagerly listening father.

“You think so? There aren't really any toys or anything,” Justin pointed out.

“No, but there are so many things to paint and draw with. Your studio is fun. I like your studio,” Luke explained.

Justin pulled his son closer and put another kiss on his blond hair. “I am glad you like it. I like it, too.”

“Can I come and visit you there more often?”

“Would you like to?” Justin asked, still trying to grasp that his son had actually enjoyed their time at Justin's place. Usually they spent all their time at Britin where Luke's room was, where he had all his toys and stuff to play with and for some reason that Justin couldn't explain it meant the world to him that his son had enjoyed his time at Justin's place, too.

Luke nodded, cuddling closer into Justin's form. “Maybe Daddy can come, too. He always paints with me, too. I am sure he would like the big papers and all the colours as well.”

Justin nodded at that, his voice wistful. “Yeah, maybe one day he can come and join us. We can talk to him once he's back.”

Luke happily agreed, not noticing the wistful tone in Justin's voice. He then moved from his father's lap and picked up the book lying on the nightstand next to his bed, handing it to Justin. “Can you do voices for me? Daddy always does voices when he reads me a story.”

Justin couldn't help but chuckle at the image of Brian doing voices to entertain his son and agreed that he would do his best to do as many voices as his daddy usually did for Luke.

Ten pages into the story, Justin noticed how the small boy in his lap had sunk down more into a lying position and when he put the book aside and looked down at his son with gentle eyes, he wasn't surprised to find Luke deep asleep.

Justin carefully disentangled himself from Luke's hug and got out of the bed. He watched his young son sleep peacefully for several minutes, before he leaned down and ran a gentle hand across his forehead. “Sweet dreams, honey.” He then made his way to the door and stopped in his tracks when he saw his mom looking at him, tears running down her cheeks.

“You are so good with him,” she whispered, quickly wiping away the tears.

Justin slowly walked over to her and then left the room with her, leaving the door ajar a bit, in case Luke woke up and got frightened by his surroundings. “You almost sound surprised,” Justin couldn't help but snap back at her.

Jennifer shook her head slowly. “No, not surprised. I always knew you'd be a good father. I-I am just glad to see that I was right and that the last five years didn't do any damage to your relationship with Luke.”

“Does that make everything right? Luke and I get on well and now you can all absolve yourselves of any guilt and wrongdoings?” Justin's voice wasn't as cold and hostile as it had been weeks before when Jennifer had been by his house. She noticed how it was mostly hurt and sad.

“No,” she shook her head slowly. “No, it does not. We will always have to live with that and... I am sorry, Justin. You have no idea. And so is Brian.”

“This is rich... You defending Brian. Really, mom? I would have thought you would have been on my side, but I guess you don't love me enough, do you?” Justin spat and was angry at himself when he noticed a tear make its way down his cheek. God, why did he have to be so goddamn weak? Why couldn't he stay strong and cold and unconcerned? Because it hurt, he realised. He was hurting and he needed his mom to see that it had been her who had hurt him.

“Justin, please,” Jennifer started, leading her hand to Justin's cheek, but pulling it back when she saw her son flinch at the contact. “It was never like that. It was a difficult decision and I knew you would be hurt and I hated myself for doing this to you, but...,” Jennifer took a deep breath. “When I found out about Brian's pregnancy, he threatened to just leave and pack up and disappear. You and I both know that he has the kind of money to pull that off. He didn't want you to know, he wanted you to try at your career, the career he thought you deserved and wanted and he didn't want you to feel guilted into coming back by him being pregnant. He... He genuinely thought he was doing you a favour, Justin.”

He interrupted his mom right there and then. “And you? Did you agree with him? Did you also think he was doing me a favour by keeping my son from me? Is that why you went along with his plan?”

“I-I...I can't say that I didn't see his point of view, but unlike Brian, I knew that you would never choose a career over having a family with him. You loved him so much and you always wanted a family. I knew that, honey and... even though Brian couldn't or didn't want to see that, I knew that if you were given the choice, you would always choose coming back and being with him and your son.”

“Then why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me what was going on so I could make that choice?” Justin asked, more tears running down his cheeks. “Why did you allow him to take that choice from me?”

“Because he threatened to just leave. At least this way I knew where he was and I knew that my grandchild would be okay. It was the only chance to have a relationship with my grandchild,” Jennifer explained, crying herself. “I-I was...”

“Selfish!” Justin supplied. “You chose your relationship with your grandchild over my relationship with my son. You sacrificed my chance to be a father, my chance at happiness, so you could be a grandmother.”

“Justin, please...,” Jennifer began to plead. “You have to understand that it was not an easy decision. God, you have no idea how many times I wanted to call you and just tell you, but... Brian seemed so serious. He would have taken Luke away, I have no doubt about that and yes, I was weak and made the wrong choice, but at the time it seemed like the only logical choice.”

“You know that Brian couldn't have taken my son away, don't you? I am his father and as his father I have and would have had legal rights. No matter what Brian wanted or didn't want. I had rights and could have enforced them if you had only told me what was going on.”

“I-I,” Jennifer began, not quite sure how she could explain what didn't have any reasonable explanation at all. “At the time I didn't think that far. I was so shocked and confused by everything. I didn't even think about you enforcing your rights as Luke's father. I just felt so shocked by Brian's threat and didn't know what to do and you have no idea what I went through, trying to decide what was the right thing to do. I know you'll never forgive me, Justin, but... at the time I thought I was doing what was the best for everyone involved.” Jennifer hung her head, her voice hardly audible when she next spoke. “I know I was wrong and you have no idea how much I regret keeping Luke from you. No idea.”

“And you agreed about my career. You said you and Debbie agreed with Brian that my career should come first,” Justin spat at his mother.

“Justin, I just wanted you to have all life offers. Look at yourself, look at your success. You would have never had that if you had stayed here with Brian to raise Luke.”

“You don't know that. And why does everyone think this career means anything to me? It doesn't... Happiness, love and family are what matter to me and you took all of that away from me even though you of all people should have known how much I was longing for a happy family.”

Jennifer looked at her son sadly, not quite sure what else to say to that. Wordlessly, she turned around and left Justin alone in the hallway, alone with his thoughts and his pain.

Chapter 16

Justin didn't know how long he just stood there, every once in a while looking into the guestroom through the slightly ajar door, watching his son sleep peacefully. Luke had no idea about the pain the adults in his life were going through right now. He was happy and in a good place and probably thought that everyone else was just as happy as he was.

If only it was as easy for him to adjust to the new circumstances of his life, as it seemed for Luke, Justin thought to himself. Luke had welcomed him into his life with open arms and in all his innocence hadn't even doubted Justin's sincerity or his love as his father. He had just accepted his second father's sudden appearance and was happy to have both his Papa and his Daddy in his life now, not caring why it hadn't been like that for the last five years. If only things were that easy for Justin and the other adults in this mess.

When he had watched his son for a few more minutes, Justin forced himself to pull away from the door and to go look for his mother. He had made a promise to himself, on behalf of his son, that he would do what he could to make Luke's life as happy as possible and he had managed to find a way of dealing with Brian and he just needed to try harder to find the same with his mother. He owed it to the small boy sleeping a few feet away that he made more of an effort than just accusing everyone of all the wrongdoings they had done towards him. He made his way to the living-room and found Gus sitting in front of the TV, watching a cartoon.

“Hey buddy, what are you still doing up?”

Gus shrugged. “Grandma didn't tell me to go to bed yet, so I stayed here watching cartoons.”

“How about I tell you it's time to go to bed,” Justin said and was rewarded with a groan from the small boy that reminded him so much of the boys' father. “You sound so much like your daddy, it's not even funny how much you two are alike,” Justin pointed out which earned him a smirk from Gus.

“Do I really have to go to bed?” Gus looked at Justin from big eyes, trying to plead with him to stay up a bit longer.

Justin nodded and held out his hand to the boy, pulling him up from the sofa, when he grabbed it. “Yep, you do. It's a school day tomorrow and we want you to be all awake and refreshed for school.”

“I will be even if I stay up another half an hour,” Gus pointed out, but Justin was having none of it.

“Come on, bed, now.”

Gus grumbled as he made his way to Jen's second guestroom, the room that used to be Justin's room for the short time he had been staying with his mom after the bashing. It had really been the only time he had been living at his mom's condo ever since she had moved here and when he looked at the room, he noticed how impersonal it felt to him. This didn't feel like home to him, not like the loft or even Michael's old room at Debbie's had felt like. He had been in this room for less than a week and when he entered it now, was surprised to see that it still held some of the sketches he had done when he had been younger.

As Gus climbed into bed, Justin looked at the sketches that lined the walls, sketches of his mom and Molly, of Daphne and of random scenes from the park. Sketches he had done before he had been bashed, when his hand had still been alright and wouldn't cramp up when exerted too much.

Gus watched Justin as he silently took in the sketches. After several minutes, he spoke quietly. “Did you do these?”

Justin nodded and turned to Gus with a small smile. “Yeah... a long time ago.”

“They look nice,” Gus said, giving Justin a thumps up gesture.

Justin smiled at the small boy. “Thanks. Though they aren't really that great.”

“I like them. I like the one of Grandma Jen and Molly. They look so lovely and happy.”

“I sketched this on Molly's birthday. It was a happy day,” Justin reminisced.

“Were you happy when you did those paintings?” Gus asked and Justin had a feeling the small boy was going somewhere with his questions, even though he didn't quite know where.

“Yes, I guess so,” he had been disappointed that day about his father avoiding him, but all in all he had been happy about seeing his mother and Molly and about seeing them so happy. He winced inwardly when he thought about the events following Molly's birthday that year.

“Are you happy now?” Gus went on asking, eyeing Justin carefully from his position in his bed.

So that was where Gus wanted to go, Justin thought to himself. Smart guy, probably too smart for his age.

“That's not an easy question to answer, you know? It's... complicated,” Justin said quietly, before he moved over to Gus' bed and sat down on the edge.

“You're not happy because of Daddy and Grandma and Luke, are you?” Gus asked innocently, playing with the corner of his blanket, avoiding Justin's eyes.

“Why would you think that, Gus?” Justin asked, looking at the small boy with concern. This was what he had been scared about. His problems with Brian and his mom having an effect on Gus and Luke. The one thing he had tried to avoid and now here he was and Gus was telling him that he knew that something was wrong.

Gus shrugged as he explained his reasoning to Justin. “When you came to the house, you were really, really angry with Daddy and Daddy said he had done something bad to you... but you look happy when you spend time with Luke and me, but... when Daddy comes, you're not happy anymore. And today, you weren't happy either. And I saw you and Grandma Jen arguing in the hallway. You're angry with her, aren't you? Is she one of the other people that hurt you?”

Justin rubbed his hand across his face, trying to figure out what to say to the small boy in front of him. “Gus, do you remember when I told you that sometimes things happen that are out of our control? That we don't have any choice in and just have to live with the consequences?”

Justin watched Gus' frown and then after several seconds his nod.

“I don't like when things happen that I can't control and that I don't get a choice in, you know? And... something happened with your Daddy and Grandma Jen, that didn't give me any choice for myself and not having a choice made me angry. And yes, for a time I was very angry at your Daddy and Grandma Jen, but...,” Justin sighed before he went on. “But I don't like being angry, you know? I like being happy and I like us all being happy, so when I was finally given a choice, I made the choice to be happy and you have no idea how much you and Luke are helping me to be as happy as I can be.”

“Me and Luke?” Gus asked with wide eyes.

“Yes, you two,” Justin smiled in response. “I love spending time with both of you and I am having so much fun with you. I really enjoy myself with you two and that makes me happy and I am happy when I am around you two. So never think it has anything to do with you or Luke, you hear me? It doesn't. And I am trying to work on not being angry with your Daddy and your Grandma anymore. I think...,” Justin eyed Gus curiously. “I think I made a good start with your daddy, didn't I? We did okay these last few days, didn't we?”

Gus nodded. “I enjoy our dinners. I love being with you and Daddy. We are having so much fun.”

“Yes, I am having fun, too and I know that I will also have fun again with your Grandma Jen. It's just that grown ups can be really complicated sometimes and then we need a lot longer to figure out what we really want and how to go about it.”

“But if you know you want to have fun with her as well, you should just do so. Everything else is silly,” Gus frowned.

“Yeah, it does sound kind of silly, doesn't it? But... it isn't always that easy, Gus. Sometimes life is complicated and....it's hard to do the right thing. I want you to know though, that I am trying... Just like I am trying with your daddy, I will also try with your grandmother to have fun with her again” Justin agreed.

“Yes, you should. Grandma Jen is nice. She is a lot of fun and I am sure she wants to have fun with you, too.”

Justin smiled at the innocence of the small boy on the bed in front of him. “Well, I guess then I should go and try to talk to her, shouldn't I?”

“Yes, you should. And you should try to have fun with her like you have fun with me and Luke. Then you will be happy more often,” Gus nodded.

“You're a smart boy, Gus,” Justin said with one of his sunshine smiles. “Thanks for your advice.”

Five minutes later Justin made his way through the house, looking for his mother. Both boys were in bed now and asleep and he hoped that they would be able to talk some more and finish the unsatisfactory conversation from earlier. He found his mother in her bedroom, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a picture frame in her hand, tears streaming down her face.

Justin quietly made his way over and sat down on the bed next to Jennifer. When he got a good look at the picture frame in her hand, he saw that it was a picture of him as a teenager, looking all prim and proper. The picture had been taken at a family event and Justin hadn't even noticed that he had been photographed in that instant. He looked happy, had been smiling about something and his eyes had been shining with happiness.

“You deserved a better mother than me, you know? A stronger mother,” Jennifer whispered as she continued to stare at the picture in her hand.

“Mom?” Justin asked in confusion.

“You were such a happy boy, always smiling and now look at you. Look at everything that has happened from then to now. I was such a bad mother to you and you would have deserved a better mother.”

“Mom, that's not true,” Justin started, but was interrupted by Jennifer almost immediately.

“What kind of mother allows her husband to throw their son out of the house at the age of 17 without anywhere to go? What kind of mother just sits by and watches as another woman and her son's lover raise him instead of her? What kind of mother just sends her son off to live with his lover because she doesn't know how to deal with him? What kind of mother doesn't tell her son that he is about to be a father himself?” Jennifer angrily wiped away the tears that were flowing down her face. “I am sorry I wasn't the mother you deserved. You would have deserved so much better.”

Justin eyed his mother in shock and wondered if this was how Jennifer really saw herself. Did she really think of herself as that much of a failure? “Mom,” he started and turned towards her. “Look at me, Mom, please.” He waited for Jennifer to raise her eyes enough to look at him. He saw pain, fear and shame in his mom's eyes and it nearly broke his heart to see all those emotions there.

“Don't do that to yourself, please,” he whispered. “I had the best mom I could have wished for,” he said with sincerity. “I had a mom that loved me, even in difficult times and tried to do what was best for me even when it went against everything she believed in. So what if it took you some time to accept that I am gay? That was a shock I just sprung on you and Dad and... I know that being with Brian didn't really help make it any easier on you to accept me for who I was, but... you learned, mom and that's all that matters to me. You learned to accept me and you learned to accept Brian and for that I will always love you. You might think that you sent me away to live with Brian because you couldn't deal with me after my bashing, but... I made it impossible for you to deal with me. That wasn't your fault, Mom. I was a real pain in the ass and despite all that you loved me and accepted me and you were always in my corner. That's what matters. I always knew that I could count on you for support no matter what.”

Jennifer shook her head, putting the picture frame back to its place on the nightstand. “No, you couldn't. You're right, if you could have, I would have told you about Luke years ago, but I didn't. I failed you.”

Justin sighed, not liking to see his mom like this. His mother had always been a strong, independent woman, well after she had broken free of Craig's clutches, and she had always supported him in everything he had done, no matter how outrageous that might have been.

“Mom, you did a lot of things that not many mothers would have done. You realised and accepted when I needed Brian instead of you and allowed him to take over. I know that can't have been easy for you and went against everything you believed in, but you did it for my own good and there are so many times where you put me or Molly's interest before your own... That makes you the best mother a child can wish for and I for one am really glad that you're my mother. So you made a mistake...A big mistake... Well, that's life. We all do. I certainly made many mistakes, but you know what I have learned?”

He watched as his mother slowly shook her head.

“It's how we deal with them. What we learn from them and how we let them affect our future.” Justin looked at her sadly. “I love you, Mom. Despite what happened, I love you and I don't want this to destroy our relationship. I will not allow that to happen.”

“Justin,” Jennifer whispered, but was interrupted by Justin.

“You said you're sorry and I believe you. You know that what you did was wrong and I know you wouldn't betray me like that again, but... this whole thing with Luke happened and we can't turn back time and make it go away. It's here now and it's putting this huge barrier between us and it's for us to make sure it won't affect us for the rest of our lives.”

Justin looked at his mother and gently took her hand. Jennifer frowned at him when she saw what he was doing. “It took me a lot of thinking and some ass-kicking to realise what's really important and it's not me, it's not you, it's not Brian and it's not our pain. What is important is Luke and Gus and their happiness. Those two boys are all that matter and as their father it is my responsibility to make sure they're happy and they can't be happy, if I am not happy myself and if I am not happy with the people in their lives. It wasn't easy to accept that, but I know that I need to forgive you and Brian and everyone else if we ever want to have a chance to be happy as a family. We need to move on from what happened and can't let it hold us back in pain and hurt.” Justin squeezed his mother's hand. “I am willing to do that. I know it won't be easy and I know it will take time and effort from all of us, but I owe it to Luke and Gus to do all I can to make them happy and that includes making peace with the people in their lives.”

Justin let go of Jennifer's hand and moved away, wiping away a tear on his face. “I don't want to be angry at you anymore, Mom. I miss you and I love you and... I need you. I have a son and I am shit-scared of what that means. What if I won't be a good father to him? What if I will hurt him or turn out to be like Dad? God, I... I can't ever hurt him like that,” Justin whispered, fear and anguish in his voice. These thoughts had been lingering in the back of his mind for weeks now and Justin had been too scared to give in to them or confront them. He had tried to ignore them, but he couldn't any longer.

Hearing the fear in her son's voice, Jennifer's motherly instinct took over and she took her son in her arms, hugging him close. “Oh Justin, you could never be like him. You have too much love in your heart. You love and love and give and give and you could never hurt Luke like you've been hurt. It's not in you. You will be a good father, the best any son could wish for.”

“I am scared, Mom,” Justin admitted, allowing his mother to hug him. It felt so good to be in her arms and to be held by her. “So fucking scared of messing this up.”

“I know, but you don't have to be. You are such a good person, honey. Nobody is perfect and everyone makes mistakes, but... just look at you. Look at how hard you're trying to make this right for Luke and Gus, when... when it really shouldn't be you... You would never do anything to hurt these boys. You couldn't. It's not in you. And... if you feel like you need it, I will be here to help for as long as you will allow me,” Jennifer whispered, trying to comfort her hurt son. “I am sorry, Justin. So sorry. For everything.”

They stayed in their embrace for what felt like an eternity, both crying and letting go of all the pain and fear they had harboured inside, just relishing the strength they drew from being in each other's arms and lives again.

After many minutes, Justin pulled back and looked at the tear-strained face of his mother, imagining that his own had to look quite similar. “God, look at us.”

“Well, we Taylors were always a dramatic bunch, what can you do?” Jennifer chuckled, wiping away the tears on her son's face. She smiled when she saw him chuckle in return.

Yes, it would take time and no, it wouldn't be easy, but somehow she knew that they had made it through the worst and they would be okay in the long run. Justin was right, everyone made mistakes, but it was how they dealt with them, that defined them. Not the mistakes, but the lessons they learn from them and Justin was right, they owed it to the two boys sleeping in her guestrooms that they did everything they could to learn the right lessons from this mess.

Chapter 17

Justin and the boys had spent another late afternoon at his house and studio and were now having dinner with Jennifer at her house. The boys had been busy working on their masterpiece with Justin and had returned to her house beyond hungry. Everyone had been excited when Jennifer had announced that dinner would be mashed potatoes and fish fingers. Another favourite of her three boys.

After yesterday's conversation, Justin and Jennifer were having an easier time talking with each other and the atmosphere was way better than it had been the night before. There was noticeably less tension and no more long silences of the adults with only the kids talking. This time everyone engaged in conversation and was having a better time than the night before.

“Papa?” Luke addressed his father, looking up at him from his nearly empty plate.

“Yeah?” Justin turned to his son and gave him his full attention.

“Why can't we stay at your place?” The boy asked, all innocence and curiousity.

“We have just spent all afternoon at my place,” Justin pointed out.

“Yeah, but we're sleeping at Grandma Jen's. Why can't we sleep at your place?” Gus asked, joining his little brother in his questions.

“Well,” Justin started, wondering how to best explain the situation to the two boys who were looking at him expectantly. Thankfully his mother came to his help.

“What, don't you like visiting me?”

“Of course we do,” both boys immediately assured her. “But we've never stayed at Justin's place,” Gus added.

Justin and Jennifer shared a look and Jennifer wondered what was going through her son's head. In the end she knew that he had would say whatever he needed to say to the boys.

“Well,” Justin started again, looking at the two expectant faces staring back at him. “I would love to have you stay with me.”

The boys turned to look at each other and smiled in excitement. “So we can sleep at your place tomorrow?” Luke asked, his blue eyes that were so much like his father's shining with happiness.

“I don't think so,” Justin said, immediately seeing how Luke's face fell and hating to know that he was disappointing his son.

“B-but, you said,” Luke started, his lip quivering.

Justin felt a full blown drama moment coming and rushed on with his explanation, hoping to diffuse the situation. “Luke, it's not that I don't want you or Gus to stay with me. I would love to have you both come and visit more often, but... you have seen my place. I don't really have the space for you two. There are no guestrooms and there is no space for two beds for you two.”

“We can sleep in your studio. That is big,” Gus supplied helpfully.

“But then I couldn't paint there,” Justin pointed out rather helplessly. At the confused looks he was getting from both boys, he went on to add. “When I paint there, the whole room smells of paint and the fumes from some of my paints can cause headaches and can make you sick, if you spend too much time in the room. It's not a good place for a sleepover.”

A disappointed 'Oh' could be heard from the youngest occupants of the table and Justin felt bad for them.

“You should have bought a house with a room for us,” Luke said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. His face spoke of his confusion as to why his father hadn't bought a bigger house to have space for them.

“Yeah, I should have,” Justin agreed, sounding sad. “But I...,”

Jennifer saw the sadness in all three sets of eyes around the table and she felt bad for Justin. It wasn't his fault. When he had returned to Pittsburgh and had started looking for a house, he hadn't known about Luke's existence and he hadn't known that Gus was now living with his father and was in Pittsburgh as well and she had kept that fact from him when she had shown him houses. This was her fault, not Justin's, yet here he was, taking the blame in front of his two boys.

“Well, it's my fault,” Jennifer interrupted whatever Justin was going to say and all eyes turned to her.

“Mom,” Justin started, glaring at her, his voice holding a warning tone, not wanting her to divulge anything the boys didn't need to know, but he stopped when he saw her raise a hand, asking him to be quiet.

“I didn't tell your Papa that the house was too small. When I showed it to him, we both fell in love with the studio, but I didn't really think about extra rooms for you two either. I mean, you're staying with your Daddy at Britin and then you also come and visit me and Grandma Debbie all the time. I didn't really think we would need more rooms for you, but...,” Jennifer waved her hand in a funny fashion that reminded everyone of Auntie Em. “Silly me, of course you also need a place to stay at your Papa's house. I should have thought of that and should have known better, but I didn't and I guess now it's time to correct that mistake.”

“How?” Luke asked with curious eyes.

“Yes, mom. How?” Justin asked as well, showing the same curious eyes his son did and Jennifer couldn't help but smile at how much alike they both looked at that moment.

“Well, I am a realtor, you have a house that's not really working for you anymore. I guess that means we're going house-hunting,” Jennifer smiled.

“Mom?” Justin's voice sounded surprised and slightly outraged.

“Come on, Justin. You have only just moved in and you can't already feel at home. And Luke and Gus are right. They need to have rooms at your place, too. So you need a bigger place. Let me look at my listings tomorrow when I am at the office and I'll let you all know in the afternoon what I have found.” It was clear that his mother wouldn't accept any contradiction, so Justin just nodded and resigned to his fate. He would go house-hunting and would then have to move again. Which was really a small sacrifice to be able to spend more time with his son and Gus. The more he thought about his mother's idea, the more he realised that maybe she was right. In the long run he would need a place that Gus and Luke could sleep at. Brian had already offered him this time that the boys could stay at his place and Justin knew that in the future there would be more instances where they might want to stay at his place as well.

As he thought about that, he couldn't help but wonder how Brian was going to feel about that. Maybe he should have talked to Brian first before promising the boys that they could have rooms at his place and could spend more time there. He knew he was being ridiculous, after all Brian had offered him shared custody for Luke and the original custody agreement had had Luke stay with Justin for several days a week, but after their talk they had agreed to make decisions concerning Luke together from now on. Justin sighed and was just hoping that Brian wouldn't rip of his head when he came back from Chicago and found out.

After they had put the two overexcited boys to bed, who were now looking forward to 'hunting houses for Papa' as Luke had put it, Justin sat down at the kitchen bar and looked at his mother from slightly angry eyes.

“Don't you think I should have talked to Brian first about this?”

“Why? It's not Brian's decision if you want to buy a bigger house,” Jennifer pointed out as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“No, but...,” Justin started and wondered how to continue. “You kinda promised Gus and Luke that they could stay with me more often once I had a bigger house and they had rooms there and that's something Brian has to agree to. I can't just make decisions like that on my own, Mom.”

“Justin,” Jennifer said quietly, sitting down next to Justin. “After you found out about Luke, Brian did everything he could to involve you in his life and if what he told me is right, he gave you joint custody of Luke. So you have every right for Luke to spend time with you.”

“Yes, Luke, but what about Gus? I don't have any rights to him and... when Brian and I decided to not go for a custody agreement, but figure this out ourselves, we only talked about Luke, not Gus. I didn't even know Gus was living with Brian. And now Gus probably expects to spend time at my place with Luke and me as well.”

“Justin, Brian is a good father and he would never do anything to hurt his sons. For the last few years all he's done has been to make sure they are the happiest boys they can be. Do you really think he's going to suddenly change and do anything to split them up or make them unhappy? He knows how close Luke and Gus are and he knows about Gus' relationship with you. Do you really think he would only allow Luke to spend time with you, but not Gus?” Jennifer asked and looked at him closely.

When Justin thought about her words, he knew she was right. Thinking back to their talk about the custody agreement at Debbie's house, Brian had been willing to give him whatever he had asked for just to make sure that his son wouldn't be used as a pawn between his parents like Gus had been used between him and the munchers. And when he thought back to their conversation about Lindsay cutting him out of Gus's life, he knew that Brian considered him as important to Gus as he was himself and Brian had been beyond angry that Lindsey would think of herself first and not her son's needs. His mother was right, Brian wouldn't stop him from spending more time with either boys. Yet, Justin felt like he should talk to Brian anyway. They should make decisions like this one together, shouldn't they? They might not be a couple, but they were a family and were raising their son together. Wasn't that what they had agreed on? Brian should know about the things going on in his life. As he thought about that, he made a vow to let Brian know as soon as he was back from his business trip to Chicago.

“No, I don't. It's just... I think I will feel more comfortable after having talked to him about this. It kind of feels like I am going behind his back.”

Jennifer couldn't help but smile at Justin's words. Her son had always been so concerned about what other people thought and was always careful not to hurt or disappoint them. After everything Brian had done to him, he still wanted Brian's approval first and didn't want to go behind Brian's back even though that had been the exact thing Brian had done to him.

“Well, just because we're going to look at listings doesn't mean you have to buy a house right away,” Jennifer pointed out.

“And we will look at listings because otherwise I will have two very disappointed boys on my hands and that wouldn't do, would it?” Justin chuckled at his mother and felt better already. She was probably right, Brian wouldn't mind and everything would be okay. He was just worrying too much, as usual.

***

“Oh, baby Sunshine, look at you, you've grown again, haven't you?” Debbie cooed as she enveloped Luke in a tight hug. “My, my, my. Soon you'll be as tall as Gus here.”

Luke chuckled at Debbie's antics and hugged his grandma back. Even though she was loud and sometimes scarily so, he loved her because most of all Grandma Debbie was a lot of fun. He loved how she always joked about his Daddy and how her Daddy did whatever she said. And he loved how she talked so funny and would sometimes use bad words that he wasn't allowed to use. The best was seeing how she only realised afterwards what she had said and would then apologise to him and Gus and would then give him and Gus cookies so they wouldn't tell anyone about all the bad words she used around them. He liked Grandma Debbie and Grandpa Carl a lot and was looking forward to spending the night at their place.

“I wanna be as tall as Daddy,” Luke told her seriously and she ruffled his blond locks.

“Well, baby Sunshine, you've still got quite a way to go there, that's for sure.”

She then let go of Luke, who ran over to greet his Grandpa Carl. He liked the older man, even though he was way more quiet than his Grandma. Grandpa Carl told funny stories and always played trains with him whenever he wanted to.

As he was occupied with his Grandpa, he didn't pay any attention to what was going on behind him at the door. Therefore he didn't notice how Debbie welcomed Gus and then looked at Justin who was standing at the edge of her porch.

Justin hovered on the top step of the porch and watched how Debbie greeted both boys. He didn't come any closer as he wasn't sure if he was welcomed at her house or not. After how he had treated her when she had shown up at his house, he wouldn't be surprised if she held a grudge and didn't want him around. It would be so like Debbie to be angry with him and not see any reason for him to be angry at her.

“What are you standing over there for, Justin? Get your ass in here. It's fucking freezing.”

“Debbie, I...,” Justin started, but was interrupted by the chewing-gum chewing lady in front of him.

“Get your ass here, now,” she ordered and he just hung his head and slowly walked over and made his way inside.

Debbie frowned at him and closed the door. “Now I can apologise,” she said and Justin raised his eyes at her in confusion. Had he heard right? She wanted to apologise?

“Apologise?” He frowned. Yes, he knew that she should apologise to him, but it just felt so outlandish to him that she would actually realise that herself. Especially after how she had behaved when she had shown up at his house and had acted as if she had done nothing wrong.

“For my despicable behaviour at your house and for my despicable behaviour to you in recent years and then we can hug and move on,” Debbie said in her no-nonsense voice.

Justin smiled weakly at the woman in front of him and couldn't help the smile even though he didn't want to smile. He had missed Debbie. Maybe not everything about her, but he had certainly missed her no-nonsense attitude and her pragmatism.

At seeing the smile on Justin's face, Debbie couldn't help but smile as well. She didn't even wait for Justin to reply anything and just pulled the younger man into one of her bone-crushing hugs. “Debbie, need to breathe,” Justin pressed out after Debbie had hugged him for what felt like an eternity.

“Red, let him go. We still need him around,” Carl called over from the living-room which made Gus and Luke laugh. They loved the antics at Debbie's house.

Debbie finally did as she was told and let go of Justin. When he was about to open his mouth, she just shook her head. “Let's go upstairs. We can talk there.”

Justin only nodded and followed her upstairs into what used to be his old room and Michael's room before that. He saw that the room had been repainted and the old Captain Astro wallpaper was no longer visible. Instead of the large bed that used to be in the middle of the room, the room now had a bunk bed which he had a feeling was for Luke and Gus whenever they stayed with her. He watched as Debbie made her way over to the bottom bunk and sat down, picking up one of the pillows and mindlessly fluffing it.

“I am sorry, Justin. You have no idea how fucking sorry. What... what I have done was despicable and you would have deserved so much better from me. How often have I claimed that you were like a fucking son to me, but... but when it really mattered, I didn't treat you like a son. I betrayed you and... I wish I could make it undone, but I can't. I just want you to know that I really am sorry.”

Justin eyed her from his place next to the door and felt completely floored. This had to be the first time Debbie had actually apologised for her behaviour and hadn't just blamed it on someone else. He had seen it happen often enough and knew how she loved to blame Brian for everything and loved to play innocent. And wasn't that what she had also done at his house? Pretend that everything was okay and she had only done what Brian had wanted her to do?

“That's not what you said the last time I saw you,” he therefore muttered angrily, not able to help himself.

He watched as Debbie hung her head, putting the pillow back to where it belonged. She squared her shoulders and looked up at him from sad eyes, not even trying to avoid his gaze.

“That was stupid. Beyond fucking stupid, really. I... I don't know what I was thinking. I won't lie, Brian didn't want us to tell you and back then I respected his wishes and went along with it, but... when I saw you that day, I saw what that decision had really done to you. I saw all the pain that decision has caused and... I knew that I was merely hiding behind Brian, using him as an excuse. I realised that day that I had been foolish to think that just because you and Luke were finally hanging out together, everything was okay. I... I had fooled myself to believe that you two finally being united was all that mattered, but... seeing your pain that day, I realised that wasn't true. Seeing your pain... It made me think long and hard about my role in all of this and I knew that hiding behind Brian wasn't going to be enough to excuse my behaviour.”

“Why did you do it?” Justin asked, his voice quiet.

“Because it was the easy thing to do. It was easier to hide behind Brian's decision than to take a long hard look at myself and my behaviour,” Debbie said quietly.

Justin only shook his head. “No... I meant... Why did you go along with what Brian wanted? Why didn't you tell me about Luke when you found out that he was pregnant?”

Debbie eyed him for the longest time before she spoke again. “Because it was easy. I know it's not what you want to hear and I know it's not what you deserved, but... it's the truth.”

“Easy?” Justin frowned, not understanding what Debbie meant by that statement.

“If I had gone against Brian's wishes and had told you, I might have lost him. He might have kicked me out of his life or Luke's life and... I was scared and selfish of that happening. So I did what he asked me to do to keep him in my life.”

“You want me to believe that? That is bullshit! You're the one who always confronted Brian about his behaviour, you're the one who always made him face up to every bad decision he has ever made, even when he hadn't done anything wrong. You want me to believe you that this time you didn't because suddenly you were scared of Brian?” Justin's voice had risen and he had a hard time controlling his temper. What was it with people not being able to just be honest for once?

“I told him that he had to tell you, that you had a right to know, but... when it was clear that he wouldn't do that, I respected his wishes,” Debbie replied quietly.

“Why? Why did you choose him over me?” Justin asked, anger filling his voice. “Because you lied to me every time you said you loved me like a son? Because you didn't and couldn't have given a shit about me? Is that it? At least have the decency to be honest for once!”

“I loved you, Justin. More than you fucking know. Same for Brian. I loved you both, but... over the years I realised that I was lying when I told you I loved you like a son. I... I have never treated you or Brian as I have treated Michael. I know that now,” Debbie whispered, hanging her head. When she raised it next, after a couple of minutes of silence between them, Justin saw tears on her face. “I love you, Justin. You can choose to believe that or not, but I do. And... over the years... a lot has happened... a lot of shit... I... I know I haven't always been fair to you and Brian, but I can only promise that I will try to do better if you allow me. If... if you can find it in you to forgive me for what I have done, I promise to you that I will do better. I know about the mistakes I have made in the past, I know that I can't apologise enough for them and for what has happened, but... I fucking pray that maybe one day you can forgive me.”

Justin glared at the woman who was sitting on the lower bunk bed, trying to reign in his anger. “You can forget about that if you keep lying to me. You want me to forgive you? The least you'll have to do to earn my forgiveness is to give me the fucking truth about why you chose Brian's side in this whole mess!”

“I told you, it was easier,” Debbie whispered and shrunk into herself when she heard Justin's angry reply.

“And I don't believe you! You know what? This is a waste of time,” Justin eyed her from blazing eyes before he turned towards the door of the room. “I'll say goodbye to the boys and will pick them up from school tomorrow,” was all he said, before he opened the door.

“Justin!” Debbie cried after him, but Justin only walked on. When he had reached the staircase, he heard Debbie's quiet voice from the room that once used to be his home. “How could I not support him? He had only done what I had done as well. How could I blame him for making the same decision I have made?”

Justin stopped in his tracks and turned back towards the room. “What?”

“I had done the same when I found out I was pregnant. How could I blame Brian and go against his wishes when he only did what I had done?” Debbie cried out and Justin eyed the woman he had once considered to be a second mother to him. He slowly moved back into the room, wondering if she was telling him the truth now.

He closed the door once more and sat down on the chair that was standing close to the desk in the room. He nodded at her without saying anything, urging her to go on.

“Making him realise that he had made the wrong decision... it would have meant facing my own decision from so many years earlier. It would have meant second guessing my whole life and how I had handled my pregnancy and Michael growing up...,” Debbie started through her tears, not looking at Justin, but keeping her eyes focused on her hands in her lap.

“I don't understand,” Justin admitted quietly, looking at her for further explanation.

“When I had found out I was pregnant... I didn't tell Danny the truth. I have never told him about expecting his child and... he didn't find out until he came back to Pittsburgh all these years later...,” she explained and slowly but surely Justin started to understand where this was going. The pieces suddenly fell into position and made sense in his head. Justin remembered Divina Devore and her appearance for the Angels over Pittsburgh benefit and how Divina, a.k.a Danny had turned out to be Debbie's old high-school flame and most likely Michael's father.

“Why not?” Justin asked, curious to know the answer.

Debbie shrugged. “He had already left town when I found out I was pregnant. Had moved to New York to try for a big career on Broadway. I couldn't make him come back and force him into a life he never wanted to have...”

“How do you know he never wanted to have a family? A child? How could you possibly decide that for him?” Justin asked angrily, realising how similar his story was to Danny's.

“Danny couldn't even admit back then that he was gay even though I have always suspected... In New York he had a chance to find himself and he did...”

“Like I did?” Justin spat angrily, wondering if next she would give him the same spiel about his career that his mother and Brian had given him.

“I don't expect you to understand this, but... you have seen how many times Danny has shown up since he found out about Michael. Never again! He didn't want to be a father and it was better for Michael that he never knew...”

“Just like it was better for Luke that he never knew about me?” Justin felt tears sting his eyes and angrily wiped them away. “I am not fucking Danny or Divina or whatever!”

“I know,” Debbie hung her head, her shoulders shaking gently as she cried her own tears. “You have never been. You have always been much better.”

“Then why didn't you fucking tell me the truth? Why did you allow Brian to go through with this?”

“Because that way I didn't have to face the truth that maybe I had also made the wrong decision so many years ago. That way I didn't have to ask myself if maybe Danny would have been an okay father if given the chance. If maybe Michael's life...,” Debbie stopped there, new tears running down her cheeks. When she could speak again, she continued, her voice filled with pain. “If maybe his life would have been different...”

Justin couldn't help but feel bad for Debbie, even though he was beyond angry with her. He wondered how she had dealt with Michael's betrayal and his attempt to kidnap Luke. He wondered how she had handled the truth, when it had finally come out what kind of person her son was. Just as he was about to say something, Debbie went on.

“I... I don't expect you to understand or to accept my apology and I don't want to make excuses, Justin, but... these last years... they have been hard on everyone. We've all... had to face our demons one way or another and I can honestly say that I have. I know that I did wrong by you and for that I am sorry. More sorry than I can ever express.”

Justin nodded, realising how hard it had to have been for Debbie to give him that apology considering that she was a person that normally didn't apologise for her behaviour. “Thank you,” he whispered quietly at least appreciating the gesture.

“For what?”

“For your apology. And I... I appreciate you telling me all this about Danny.”

Debbie nodded, wiping away her tears, before she slowly got up from the bed. She walked over to where Justin was sitting on the chair and stopped a few feet away from him. “I hope that one day, I can make this up to you. I really do...”

Justin nodded and looked up at her from sad eyes, before he got out of his chair and met her in the middle of the room, allowing her with a gentle nod to hug him once more. “All we can do is try,” he said quietly, hugging her back.

They stayed like that for several minutes, before Justin pulled back and looked at her from slightly ashamed eyes. “I... Debbie, I am sorry for my behaviour when you showed up at my house. I... shouldn't have talked to you like that.”

Debbie only laughed at that and ruffled the blond's hair. “You had the right to way more than just talking to me like that, believe me.”

“No, really... I...”, Justin started, but was once again interrupted by the redhead.

“I get it, Sunshine. You're sorry, and I am more than sorry as well. Lets save the time and words and just take care of those two boys in my living-room, okay?”

In the end Justin just nodded. What point was there in rehashing a past that couldn't be changed anyway? He had done it with his mom and with Brian and to some degree with Debbie as well and for some reason he didn't feel like doing it over and over again. How was he supposed to move on if he kept rehashing the past? If she was willing to try to move on, so was he. He could do it for his boys.

After a couple of minutes that they both needed to freshen up, he followed her downstairs into the living-room and smiled when he saw both boys sitting in Carl's lap, listening to a story the retired police officer was telling his grandsons.

Chapter 18

“Is Daddy already here?” Luke asked for what felt like the hundredth time and Justin couldn't help but chuckle at his son's obvious excitement to see his father again. Brian had only been gone for a few days, but it had been obvious to Justin how much both boys had missed their father and how important he was to them.

He had therefore decided to give Brian a little surprise and had asked Ted for Brian's travel information. Brian probably missed his sons as much as they had missed him and wouldn't mind being picked up at the airport by Justin and the boys.

“No, Luke. Look at that screen over there,” Gus pointed to one of the screens in the arrival hall. “It says the flight from Chicago is expected to land at 5.20pm. It's only 5.18pm now.”

“Oh, so Daddy will be here soon?” Luke asked, looking from Justin to Gus for confirmation. After all the screen had a lot of letters that he couldn't read. He knew how to read his name, but there were far more letters on that screen than in his name.

“Yes,” Justin affirmed and picked up his son, holding him close in his arms. “Daddy's plane will land in a few minutes and then he will just have to make his way here to get his luggage. We probably have about half an hour left before he will be here. How about we get a muffin and share it while we wait?”

When both boys happily agreed, Justin led them over to the small coffee shop and bought a muffin as well as drinks for the boys. It wouldn't do for them to become impatient and then be cranky by the time Brian arrived. Justin wanted them to be on their best behaviour when their daddy came back.

The next twenty-five minutes passed quickly and once all the drinks were finished, Justin urged the boys to join him on the way back to the baggage carousel where the luggage for the Chicago flight would be delivered. They had only been standing at the carousel for about two minutes, when Luke pulled away from Justin's side and started running towards the escalator next to the luggage carousel. Justin was about to follow him, when he saw Brian just get off the escalator and looking surprised at his son who greeted him happily.

Justin watched with a smile as Brian picked up Luke and whirled him around, making the small boy giggle excitedly. Moments later Brian and Luke were joined by Gus, who hugged his daddy tightly and was just as excited to have his daddy back as his younger brother was judging by the big smile on his face as his daddy left a kiss on the top of his head and hugged him back.

Once the initial excitement was over, the three Kinneys made their way over to where Justin stood, having watched the whole reunion with a gentle smile. Brian's eyes shone with happiness as he looked at Justin. “Thank you for bringing them here. How did you know when I would arrive?”

“I asked Ted for the flight times. I figured you might want to see these two as much as they wanted to see you.”

“Yeah, I sure did.” Brian smiled, holding his boys close and listening to their excited stories about what they had done in his absence.

“And we visited Papa's studio and we're working on a masterpiece together. It will be really great,” Luke excitedly said.

“I am sure it will be. With the three of you working together, how could it not be?”

“And we're all hunting for a house for Papa. Grandma Jen is helping, too,” Luke went on and Justin couldn't help but notice how Brian's eyebrow went up.

“Yeah, we looked at some pictures yesterday and we're going to look at more houses next week,” Gus added.

“You're moving?” Brian asked quietly as he looked at Justin.

“I'm thinking about it,” was all Justin said non-commitedly and he was happy when a siren announced at that moment that the luggage for the Chicago flight was arriving. He didn't want to talk about this in a crowded airport with many people around them.

A few minutes later they had collected Brian's luggage and had made their way to Justin's car. Everyone got settled and then Justin started their drive to Britin.

Brian and Justin listened to the excited chatter of both boys all the way back to the house and hardly got a chance to say anything themselves. The boys carried the whole conversation and apparently they didn't even expect their fathers to comment on anything, which suited Justin just fine. Shortly after leaving the airport and turning onto the Interstate, he had noticed how Brian had become awfully quiet and was looking out of the window on the passenger side, obviously in deep thoughts. Throughout the drive Justin glanced in Brian's direction a couple of more times, but his position hadn't changed. He was still deep in thought and staring out of the window. Justin wondered, no, he knew that this was because of his announcement of looking for a new house and he cursed himself for not letting Brian know about his decision before the boys had known.

Yes, he knew that he had every right to look for a house whenever he felt like it, but how could he expect Brian to make decisions together with him when he himself didn't follow the same rules? How were they supposed to be friends when they didn't talk about things as big as a move?

When they arrived at Britin, everyone but Justin got their luggage and made their way inside. Brian told the boys to get their small suitcases into their rooms and that he would call them for dinner in a while. Once both boys had left the entrance hall and he had deposited his own luggage, he turned to Justin with a raised eyebrow. “So you and Mother Taylor are good again?”

Justin shrugged. “Kind of... We talked and we're working it out.”

“Good,” Brian nodded, then made his way into the kitchen. Justin followed him, sorting his thoughts in his head.

“Brian, I...,” he started, but didn't get much further as Brian had started talking at the same time.

“So you're looking for a new house?”

Justin sighed, but nodded. “I should have told you before Luke and Gus found out, but... Mom kinda suggested we all look together and she got them all excited about the house-hunt.”

“Why would you tell me? It's not really my business where you live, is it?” Brian furrowed his brows and looked at Justin in confusion.

“I am looking for a bigger place. With guestrooms, so Luke and also Gus can have their own rooms. I guess that makes it your business,” Justin explained.

“I figured that much,” Brian just replied.

“What?”

“Why else would you move so shortly after returning to Pittsburgh? The only thing that has changed between then and now is Luke and Gus. So that makes it the only logical reason for you to move.”

“Brian, I... I'd like for them to come and visit me every once in a while. They really enjoyed themselves in my studio and... I enjoyed having them there.”

Brian just went to the fridge and got himself a bottle of water. He opened it and took a sip, but never said anything to what Justin had said, which unnerved Justin immensely.

“I don't want to take them away from you and I know that their home is here. I was just thinking that sometimes they could come and stay at my place.”

For the longest time Brian just eyed Justin and Justin was slowly starting to get angry at Brian's silence. He could take Brian yelling at him, he could take Brian being an ass to him, but Brian's silence wasn't something he could take.

“Don't you have anything to say to that?” Justin asked in frustration after several more minutes of silence.

“What do you want me to say?” Brian asked.

“That you're okay with it or jeez, that you're not okay with it. Just say something.”

“Why wouldn't I be okay with it? You've basically got joint custody, so you have every right to have Luke stay with you at your place. You are his father! Of course he's going to want to spend time with you.”

“And what about Gus?” Justin asked warily.

“Gus, too. He's been happier than he has been in a long time since you're back. He missed you and he enjoys having you back. Why would I take that from him? He's been through enough already,” Brian sighed and the pained expression on his face told Justin that he was clearly thinking back to the custody trial with the munchers.

Justin nodded, then moved to the fridge, trying to find something he could use for dinner.

“Don't. Let's order in. We can have a pizza,” Brian told him as he went to the kitchen counter to go through the mail that the housemaid had put there.

“Pizza? In your house?” Justin stared at Brian with wide eyes. He knew that Brian loved to order take out and hated cooking, but Pizza had been the one take out Justin always had to order on his own. Brian refused to eat something as greasy and full of cheese as a take out pizza was. Unless he was high but that was out of the question right then.

Brian just shrugged as he opened the first letter. “Well, with two sons there's no way I can avoid pizza. They love it too much. And every once in a while I indulge with them.”

Justin couldn't help but snort. “Brian Kinney indulging in pleasures mere mortals indulge in. I never thought I'd see the day.”

Brian put the letter away and took the next one, he didn't look at Justin when he spoke. “I do many things you probably thought I'd never do.”

“Like what?” Justin couldn't help but ask. He was intrigued now.

“Eating carbs after seven, though only if it can't be helped, celebrating birthdays and holidays, spending evenings in front of the fireplace reading books or watching a movie on TV rather than going out and getting drunk, talking to therapists. The list goes on and on.”

“You went to see a therapist?” Justin's eyebrows had shot up at the last statement.

“Really? Out of the whole list that's what you heard?” Brian shook his head in amusement.

“Well, it seems the most unlike you.”

“Unlike the me you used to know,” Brian corrected, before picking up the next letter from his stack of letters. “People change when they have to.”

“When they have to?”

Brian shrugged. “Well, I could hardly go on living my life the way I used to with two small boys depending on me. What kind of parent would that make me? It was time to grow up and I did.”

Justin looked at Brian and looked for signs of disappointment or anger. He wondered if Brian had hated giving up his life. He had always been so proud of his mottos and the life he had built for himself as the stud of Liberty Avenue. However when he looked at him now, all he saw was a more mature, serene and also happy man. Brian looked happy in his new life and from what Justin had seen in the weeks since he had been back, Brian didn't seem to miss his old life too much. Justin hadn't heard a single comment about Brian going out to a bar or a club, he hadn't heard anything about strange men showing up at Britin and despite the lack of Brian's old habits, he didn't seem unhappy. Yes, there had been guilt and a certain amount of stress due to their interactions and the problems between them, but putting that aside, Brian had seemed happy enough to Justin.

“Why the therapist?” He asked quietly.

“After everything going on with the munchers, Gus was having a hard time adjusting to the changes in his life. He was struggling with his new surroundings and he was missing Lindsey, Mel and JR. Blake and your mother suggested to take him to a therapist, so I did. The therapist insisted on having sessions with Gus, but also with me and Gus. Over time I found that it really helped Gus, but not only him, that it was helping me as well. I started to understand certain things about myself and at one point Gus' therapist suggested that maybe I should see a therapist as well, that I had issues that a therapist could help with and in the end I figured if it was helping, why not go? So even after Gus was okay and doing fine, I continued going,” Brian shrugged in a nonchalant way.

“Are you still going?” Justin asked, totally fascinated by what Brian was sharing with him. This was all so unlike Brian, or rather the Brian he used to know. Maybe Brian was right and he had grown up.

“Do I seem that messed up to you?” Brian smirked with his trademark Kinney smirk.

“I didn't mean it like that,” Justin immediately replied. “I... I was just curious I guess.”

“Don't worry about it,” Brian assured. “No, I am not going anymore, but who says that I might not go back in the future. You never know. It helped me deal with Lindsay's and Michael's betrayal and it helped me reconnect with Debbie after everything. I know what I used to say about therapy, but that was just my bullshit, the persona I had built for myself to present to others. Therapy made me see that and it made me understand many things about myself that I wasn't willing to see before.”

“Like what?” Justin ventured and was surprised when Brian answered instead of just telling him to shut up with a snarky remark. This really was nothing like the Brian he had known five years ago. The Brian he had been with in the past had never talked about feelings and would have never gone to a therapist and even less admitted that. He would have seen that as a weakness and would have snorted at everyone who had asked for a therapist's help. The Brian from his past wouldn't have had this conversation with him and would have shot him down ten questions ago instead of answering and actually really talking to him.

“How my parents messed me up and made me unbearable to be around. How I was presenting myself as a kind of person that just wasn't me. How I shut off all feelings as not to be hurt by the people closest to me, how I tended to hurt people first, so they wouldn't hurt me. How I pushed people away before they got too close. How I needed to learn to trust the people around me instead of acting like everyone was just out to hurt me.”

“Wow,” Justin just exclaimed.

“To talk about my feelings instead of bottling them up,” Brian finished, looking up at Justin.

Their eyes met for the longest time and some silent communication went on between the former lovers. They didn't need words to have this conversation. Justin's eyes conveyed the pride he felt at Brian having faced his issues and having worked through them and in Brian's eyes he could see something like regret. At first he wasn't quite sure what Brian would regret, but then he understood. Brian regretted that he had only worked through all his issues when it had already been too late for them as a couple.

“I am glad you worked through all that and got help,” Justin said sincerely.

Brian only nodded, then went to retrieve his phone so he could order pizza for dinner. He might be able to talk about his feelings more easily now, but it was still hard for him and he felt like he had reached his limit for that day.

Chapter 19

“I have been thinking,” Brian started and the three people sitting around the table turned to look at him.

“Never a good sign,” Justin said jokingly and smiled when he saw Gus and Luke laugh at his comment.

“Ha ha, very funny,” Brian said sarcastically, before looking down at the table in front of him.

They were having dinner and he had been thinking for days about how he was going to approach what he needed to say. He had been back from his business trip for a week now and for all those days he had tried to figure out a way of saying what he wanted to say. In the end he had just decided to mention his idea during dinner. Dinner had become their family time, the time they would all spend together every day and the time where they would talk about things that concerned their family, however unconventional that might be as far as families went.

“I was thinking about the house-hunting the three of you have been doing this last week.”

“What about it?” Justin asked with a furrowed brow. So far Brian had shown no interest in Justin's search for a new house. Luke and Gus had been eager to help him and had enjoyed looking at the pictures Jennifer had sent to Justin with possible new homes. They had spent hours going through the pictures and looking at different houses, going through what they liked and didn't like about each and every single house on offer. All this time Brian had pretty much ignored them and had hidden in his office, claiming to be working on Kinnetik business.

“Do you really need a new house?” Brian asked the younger man sitting opposite of him.

“Brian, we've talked about this,” Justin sighed, wondering why Brian was bringing this up with Gus and Luke present. Justin didn't want to go through all his reasons for needing a new house with his son and Gus present.

“Yes, you want Luke and Gus to be able to visit you and stay with you and your current house is too small and doesn't have extra rooms. I get that,” Brian answered and the boys at the table just looked from Brian to Justin and back, not quite sure what was going on, but somehow sensing that it was rather important.

“I want to visit Papa,” Luke therefore supplied helpfully in case his fathers were wondering what his opinion was on this matter. Gus immediately agreed with his younger brother.

“I know you want to and I can't wait to find a suitable house so you can,” Justin smiled at each boy.

“What if a suitable place already exists?” Brian asked, looking at Justin.

“Where would that be, Brian? Unless you own more houses that I don't know about, I have no idea what you're talking about.” Justin tried to remain calm as both boys were listening intently, but he wondered what Brian was aiming at.

“Nope, just this one,” Brian replied.

“Okay, so what house are you thinking about then?” Justin wondered with a frown marring his features.

“This one,” Brian answered as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Britin?” Gus asked, just to be sure he had understood correctly what his Daddy and Justin were talking about.

“Our home?” Luke asked for further confirmation.

Brian nodded at both his sons and a smiled at them. “Yes, our home. Justin wants to spend more time with you and you two want to spend more time with him. He needs a place that has a studio, so that he can paint. Well, Britin has a completed studio, you two have your rooms here and all your stuff is here. It's the perfect solution, isn't it? You could be with your Papa all day long.” Brian looked at Luke's excited face and wasn't surprised in the least when his son clapped happily and exclaimed that he loved his Daddy's idea.

Justin however didn't feel as excited. Quite on the contrary, he felt quite angry at Brian for springing this on him in front of the children. He did his best to remain calm and looked at Brian seriously. “Can I talk to you alone for a minute?”

Brian frowned at the thunderous look on Justin's face, but quickly agreed. “Sure.”

They told the boys to finish their dinner and then left for Brian's study.

“What the fuck do you think you're doing?” Justin exploded as soon as Brian had closed the door.

“I was just making a suggestion about your house-hunting activities.”

“By asking me to move in here in front of Luke and Gus?”

“Well, they're part of your house-hunting, aren't they?”

“How am I supposed to say no now? Did you see the looks on their faces? They both love your idea.”

“Why wouldn't they? It's a good idea,” Brian smirked.

“A good idea? Are you suffering from a brain fart?” Justin raged as he was pacing Brian's study. “Where in your head does this sound like a good idea?”

“You want to spend more time with the boys, they want to spend more time with you. You want us to be a family, so here I am trying to make us a family.”

“But not like that. We're not that kind of family.”

“What kind of family are we?” Brian asked, not sure if he understood what Justin meant.

“We aren't the happy kind of family that lives together happily ever after,” Justin spat. “You made sure of that.”

Brian slowly began to understand where Justin was coming from and what he was concerned about. “Justin, I am not asking you to move back in with me,” he explained quietly, his voice hardly more than a whisper.

“Well, it sure sounded like you asked me to move into Britin to me,” Justin countered.

“Yes, but just for the boys' sake. Hell, Britin has four guestrooms. Britin has a studio, the boys are here, all their stuff is here and if you moved into one of the empty rooms, you could spend as much time with the boys as you wanted to. We wouldn't have to haggle over schedules and who gets the boys when. I just thought it was the most logical solution.”

“I-I, Brian...,” Justin just said when he realised how he had misunderstood Brian's intentions.

“I may not be the biggest expert on relationships out there, but even I am aware that I fucked up ours royally. I wouldn't be stupid enough to ask you to move back in with me. I was just thinking about what would be the best solution for the boys... and you,” Brian added more quietly, almost as a whisper.

“I was jumping to conclusions,” Justin admitted, looking at Brian from sad, ashamed eyes.

“Whatever, it was just an idea. Obviously not a good one, so forget I ever mentioned it,” Brian said dismissively as he moved to the door, ready to leave the room.

Justin only chuckled at that. “I might be able to forget, but what about Gus and Luke? Do you really think they will forget about that?” Justin's voice turned more serious. “You shouldn't have sprung that on me with the boys present. You should have asked me in private. How am I supposed to say no now? They will think I don't want to be near them.”

Brian realised that Justin had a point and he ran his hand through his hair. “Shit!” He yelled angrily, startling Justin. Now it was Brian's turn to pace through his study. When he stopped, he turned to look at Justin.

“I will explain to them why you won't move in.”

“Brian,” Justin started, but was interrupted by Brian speaking once more.

“I sprung this on you in front of them and I will explain to them why it can't happen. It was my mistake and I'll deal with it.”

Justin was quiet for the longest time and just watched Brian, who was pacing his study like a caged animal once more. Justin knew that Brian was blaming himself for having been rash when he had voiced his idea in front of the boys.

“Would we be okay if I moved in here?” he asked quietly after several minutes of silence in which only Brian's harsh breathing could be heard.

Brian stopped his pacing and turned to look at Justin. “What do you mean?”

“Well, it's one thing to see each other for a couple of hours every day, but with me moving here... We would be around each other 24/7.”

“What are you saying? I thought we had decided it was a bad idea,” Brian frowned.

“I am just going over it in my head... I am... just trying to think it through,” Justin admitted quietly. He eyed Brian from curious eyes. “Do you think we could make it work?”

“We have lived together before,” Brian pointed out, but immediately realised how stupid his statement had been when Justin answered him with a sad smile.

“Yes, but only ever as a couple. We've never lived together not being a couple. Can we do this as friends?”

Brian contemplated Justin's question and in the end he realised that whatever his thoughts on that were, they didn't matter. They had to be able to do this as friends. For the sake of Luke and Gus.

“If we do this, we have to,” Brian replied quietly. “We'll figure it out together,” he said determinedly, looking at Justin's expressive blue eyes. “I didn't mean to spring this on you like that. I – I just thought it was the most logical solution. Obviously I didn't really think things through and I am sorry about that.”

“It is the most logical solution and it does make sense, I-I am just not sure if we should do it.”

“You don't have to do this, Justin. I will explain to them that I fucked up and that it is a bad idea,” Brian sighed, slowly walking over to where Justin was standing.

“Maybe you're right,” Justin said quietly after several more minutes in which he had run the idea through his head. “Maybe it is the best solution.”

Brian looked at Justin's eyes questioningly and couldn't help but smile when he saw the small nod from the younger man. He hugged him and was relieved when Justin hugged him back. “We'll figure this out together. Somehow. We'll make this work. For Gus and Luke. I know we can.”

“Okay,” Justin whispered back, before he broke the hug. “I guess we should tell them the good news then.”

As they got ready to leave the room, Justin stopped once more and turned to Brian with a frown on his face remembering something Brian had mentioned earlier. “Why does Britin have a completed studio?”

Brian sighed, then turned away from Justin, not looking at him when he spoke next. His voice sounded strained as he said the words. “It was supposed to be your home. Of course it would have a studio.”

“But,” Justin started, not ready to let go that easily. “It didn't have a studio when you showed me the house. We talked about places that would make for nice studio space, but there was no studio.”

“Does it matter?” Brian asked and Justin could hear the emotion in his voice. He eyed the older man carefully and could also hear all the words that Brian didn't say. “It sure comes in handy now, doesn't it?”

Justin was quiet for the longest time, just watching Brian, hearing the unspoken words, feeling the emotion radiating off the older man and in the end decided to let the matter rest. A conversation about Brian's real reasons for having a studio built at Britin wouldn't help them and wouldn't do them any good. Not at this point in time. Of that Justin was sure. So in the end, he just nodded and replied calmly. “Yes, it does.”

He then opened the door and together they left the study to return to Luke and Gus.

Chapter 20

A week later Justin moved into Britin. It had taken him a week to get all his stuff organised and packed and on the next Saturday, he had everything delivered to Britin. It was an understatement to say that Luke and Gus had been beyond excited. They had asked every day since Brian and Justin had announced at dinner that fateful evening that Justin would move in with them why he couldn't move in earlier. They had been so impatient, especially Luke, that it had nearly driven Brian and Justin crazy.

All during the week Brian and Justin had been eaten with doubts if they were doing the right thing. The more they had both considered Brian's idea, the more flaws they had found and the more scared they had gotten. The boys hadn't been able to understand how important it was that this worked out. If living together as a family didn't work out for them, what was left for their future then? How were they supposed to go on after their attempt at being a family failed?

Thoughts of failure and him and Brian turning into one big fighting mess had kept Justin awake for two nights and in the end he had hoped for support from his friends. It hadn't really surprised him that Daphne had just called him crazy and had been completely against the idea of him moving into Britin. According to her it was giving the kids the wrong idea about his relationship with Brian and they might start thinking that there was more to Justin moving in than there was. He had been able to see her point and had convinced Brian to be honest with the boys. So on the third day after the announcement, both Brian and Justin had sat down with their boys and had explained to them that yes, Justin was moving into Britin, but that he was only doing so to spend more time with them and that it didn't mean that Brian and Justin would be a couple like Gus' moms had been, for example or Ted and Blake or Debbie and Carl.

After the lack of support from Daphne, Justin had turned to Emmett and had hoped for support there, but had once again been disappointed. Emmett's lack of support had utterly surprised Justin, after all Emmett had been the one to convince him that he needed to find a way to deal with Brian and that they needed to work through their issues for the sake of the boys. He had expected Emmett to be happy about them doing this for the boys, but instead Emmett had only shaken his head in disappointment at Justin's announcement.

Unlike Daphne, Emmett hadn't been angry with him, but mostly concerned and there had also been disappointment and Justin hadn't known why.

“Are you sure this is what you want to do, baby?” Emmett had asked him and looked at him closely.

“It's what's best for the boys, so yes.”

“Is it really?” Emmett had furrowed his brow.

“Of course it is. They want to spend more time with me, I would love to spend more time with them, all their stuff is at Britin, I won't have to look for a new house, they won't have to get used to new rooms and new surroundings and they will have either me or Brian around 24/7. It's the perfect solution. Britin has a completed studio which Brian had done for me after our engagement, so I can even work from there,” Justin explained, repeating Brian's arguments.

“Fine, let's assume this is the right thing for Gus and Luke, what about you?” Emmett asked and Justin could hear the concern in his voice. He wondered why everybody was so concerned for him, it wasn't like he was a clueless teenager anymore and didn't know what he was doing.

“What about me? I told you, it allows me to spend more time with Gus and Luke. I will save so much time just because I won't have to commute from Pittsburgh every day, it's the perfect idea.”

“What about you and Brian? Are you sure he's not getting the wrong idea?”

Justin sighed. “Emmett, there is no wrong idea. I made it very clear that I am moving in because of the boys and Brian is well aware of that. There is no wrong idea to be gotten from his part. We are doing this as parents of our son, hopefully friends, but that's where it ends. For both of us.”

Emmett eyed his friend doubtfully. “Are you sure about that?”

“Jeez, what are you getting at?” Justin was getting exasperated by his friend's comments. If he had something to say, he should damn well say it.

“What if this is just one of Brian's masterplans to get you back?”

“Really? That's what you think? What would give you that idea?” Justin asked thoroughly confused.

“Brian has always loved you, has probably never stopped after having your son. What if this is one of his elaborate plans to get you back? Once you're spending every day together, you might warm up to his charms again.”

“His charms? Emmett, god! Brian knows where we're standing, the two of us,” Justin explained. “He knows that I can't just forget what happened and he accepts his part in all of that. His first priority is Luke's and Gus' happiness and he wouldn't risk that for a chance at my ass,” Justin muttered. “You haven't talked to him in God knows how long, but I have been with him for every day of the last month and I can tell you, he's not the Brian we used to know. He's not the Stud of Liberty Avenue anymore. He has grown up and now he's a committed father and family man. You're judging him by his old self, but not by who he is now. Trust me, Em, I know what I am doing,” Justin assured the older man.

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely sure. And don't forget, he can only charm someone that wants to be charmed. There are always two people in a relationship and right now that is the last thing on my mind.”

Once again Emmett looked at his younger friend full of doubt. “That's what you say now.”

“And that's what I'll say next week and next month and however long I need to. This is a good thing, Emmett. For me and the boys. I-I...want this. I want us to be as much of a family as we can be. It's always been my biggest dream to have a family with Brian and now he's just trying to give me what can be salvaged of my dream. That can't be a bad thing, right?”

Emmett contemplated Justin's words for a bit and in the end nodded. “Yeah, you're right. I'm overreacting. Just ignore this old queen.”

In the end Emmett had even offered to help Justin with his move and had helped him get his stuff packed and shipped to Britin. He had offered to watch Gus and Luke during the move, so Brian and Justin wouldn't have two kids running around the place while the movers were trying to figure out where everything had to go, which Justin had gladly accepted.

Unbeknownst to Justin, Brian hadn't really had an easier time with their decision. After his miserably failed attempt of presenting his idea to the whole family during dinner time, unwittingly putting Justin on the spot in front of the kids, he had started to have doubts as well. Justin's questions during their conversation had made him think and he had realised that Justin had been right. They had never lived together as anything but lovers and living together in the same house but not be together would be weird.

Brian would be lying if he said he wasn't interested in Justin sexually. Justin had always been an incredibly handsome man and still was, now probably more so than five years ago as growing up had only made his features more defined and Brian knew that Justin had always been the one. Justin had been the first person he had considered a relationship with, the first person he had had a relationship with, no matter how fucked up it had been and Justin was the father of his child. Even if unplanned and due to an accident, Justin had made him happier than he had ever thought he could be and deserved to be by giving him a son.

Brian had been told that he was one of the 5% of men that could carry babies, but he had just brushed that piece of information aside when he had been a teenager and had first found out. It didn't matter to him since he was only interested in topping and it didn't matter when he had been the Stud of Liberty Avenue as all he did was top. Justin had been the first person since his own first time to top him and they had always used a condom, so Brian hadn't really worried about being able to get pregnant either. That was until he had found out from the doctor that he hadn't been suffering from a stomach bug, but had been pregnant. He had thought long and hard about how that could have happened and he still had no idea. He and Justin had always, absolutely always used condoms. The doctor had then pointed out to him that condoms only prevented pregnancies in 98% of the cases and he had been in the 2% that had gotten pregnant anyway, even despite using a condom.

Once he had accepted the truth and had worked through his shock, he had even been happy and excited about the pregnancy. Now he would always have a part of Justin in his life, the only man he had ever loved and would ever love. Of that he had been sure even at the time.

He would be lying now if he said he wasn't in love with Justin anymore. Careful contemplation on his part in recent weeks had made that much clear to him. As soon as Justin was around, Brian had no idea how not to love him, but despite his own feelings for the younger man, he had also been painfully aware of the fact that he had destroyed their relationship once and for all with his behaviour concerning Luke. It was a miracle that Justin didn't hate him and was still treating him like a friend and was considering moving in. Brian knew that he deserved so much worse from Justin, but was glad at the same time that Justin wasn't treating him the way he knew he deserved to be treated.

Which had brought him back to Justin's question from their conversation. Would they be able to live together, not being a couple? And he had heard what Justin hadn't asked, but had clearly meant: Would he be able to live with Justin under his roof, but not being able to have him as a lover in his bed? And the more he thought about the question, the more the answer scared him. In the end, he had promised to himself that he would try, he knew he had to try for the sake of both his sons and he would manage. Somehow. He owed it to Luke and Gus after everything he had already put them through. They deserved to have Justin around and he would do whatever he could to make it possible for Justin to stay around.

“Do you think we're doing the right thing?” Brian had asked a surprised Ted one afternoon at Kinnetik.

“Doing the right thing?” Ted had raised an eyebrow and was looking at Brian for further explanation. This question had come completely unexpectedly and Ted wasn't really sure what 'thing' Brian was refering to.

“Having Justin move into Britin,” Brian explained, as usual not a man of many words.

“It doesn't matter what I think, Brian. You're doing it and now you're going to have to make it work. For Luke and Gus.”

Brian nodded grudgingly. “What if we can't?”

“Then you'll figure out what to do then. You're in this together and that's the word to go with: Together. As long as you make decisions together and agree on how to raise Luke and Gus, you should be fine,” Ted assured.

“I am not sure if we can do this. Justin is right, we've never lived together not being together.”

“So this will be a first. You've been a lot of his firsts and he's been some of your firsts. This is just another first to add to the list: First time living together with an ex-boyfriend as friends and family.”

“I am not sure I can do that which is fucked up since I was the one to suggest it to begin with,” Brian muttered angrily, annoyed by his own insecurity. Brian Kinney didn't do insecure. Never.

“Brian,” Ted started quietly. “You're not the only one this will be hard for. It will be hard for Justin, too. You'll both need to figure out how to deal with your new situation and it will take time.”

“He seems to have an easier time of it, at least he knows he hates my guts and doesn't want anything more to do with me than raising our son together.”

“He doesn't hate your guts, don't be so melodramatic. It doesn't suit you,” Ted chided his boss and couldn't help but laugh when Brian threw him an angry glare. “Those don't work with me and haven't for at least 5 years. So don't even waste your breath.”

“Well, he certainly doesn't like me or enjoy being around me,” Brian muttered as he sank down in his office chair.

“He's hurt Brian. That will take time to heal. He needs to be able to work through that pain and hurt and to move on. I am sure that's not an easy thing to do. He has loved you ever since he has met you. Just like he's the person that can hurt you the worst, you're the person who can hurt him the worst and you did. You can't just expect him to forget about that.”

“I am well aware of that, Theodore,” Brian gritted through his teeth. “Each and every day I am aware of what I have done when I see his face. He gets this faraway look at times, when he thinks nobody notices and I know he's thinking about all the time he's lost with Luke. And I know it's all my fault... How can he not hate me?”

“Because he loves you and love makes us forget the worst things,” Ted said quietly.

“He doesn't love me, not anymore.”

“I wouldn't be so sure, Brian. When he came back from New York, he wanted to find you and wanted to convince you that you wanted and needed him in your life. He still loved you then.”

“That was before he found out about Luke,” Brian pointed out, his voice sounding as if he thought Ted was dense.

“Yes, but do you seriously expect him to just turn off his feelings and to forget about the love he was obviously still feeling then? He loved you then and I am sure he still does now. I would bet my considerable wealth on it. Yes, it might be buried under a lot of pain and hurt, but what do you think makes him work through that? What do you think makes him move on from that pain and hurt?”

“His love...,” Brian started, “for Luke and maybe even Gus,” he then finished.

“Definitely for Luke and Gus as well, but also for you. Don't fool yourself into thinking he hates you. He couldn't even if he wanted to. He's loved you for years, he couldn't just stop, even if he wanted to.”

Brian eyed his accountant, who had also become his best friend ever since he had started working for him and thought about what he had said. “Let's assume you're right, Theodore. What am I supposed to do?”

“Nothing. You just wait until he has worked through it all,” Ted replied. “There is nothing else you can do. But don't make the mistake of pressuring him. Give him time. I know patience is not your strongest suit, but it might pay off in the end.”

Brian pondered Ted's words and could see some sense in them. “Maybe you're right...”

“You know I am right,” Ted smirked and the smirk reminded Brian way too much of himself.

“Get out of here before I fire your sorry ass, Schmidt,” Brian said sternly, but the smile on his lips betrayed his true feelings.

“Always glad to have these conversations with you, boss,” Ted chuckled and then made his way to the door and left Brian alone to his thoughts.

The conversation with Ted had calmed Brian down enough to not even throw a fit when later that night Justin had insisted that he wanted to use the smallest of the guestrooms up on the top floor which was located right next to the studio. He had given Brian some explanation about wanting to be close to his studio in case his creativity might strike at the strangest times, but deep down Brian had known that Justin had chosen that room because it was furthest away from the master bedroom and from him. Instead of throwing a fit, of having a pointless discussion about it, he had just nodded and accepted Justin's choice, following Ted's advice of not pressuring him and letting him work through everything on his own.

By the time Saturday came around and Justin moved in, Brian even agreed that maybe it was for the best that Justin had chosen the guestroom on the top floor. Too much closeness might not be good for them as they were trying to figure out their new family dynamics as friends. Maybe they needed this kind of separation even if it was only by one floor. Only the future would show how well they would be doing as friends and fathers to their sons.

Chapter 21

After a couple of days of living at Britin, its four occupants had settled into a kind or routine. Justin had never been a morning person and still wasn't, therefore Brian, who didn't mind getting up at the crack of dawn, prepared breakfast and got the boys ready for school and preschool respectively. By the time Brian got back from school run, Justin was usually having his breakfast. They would talk for a few minutes about their plans for the day, before Brian disappeared in his study to work on Kinnetik business and Justin went to his studio and worked on his art.

In the afternoon Justin would do the school run and would pick up Gus and Luke. He would then spend time with the boys until it was time for dinner which they had together. Twice a week the boys would be picked up by either Jennifer or Debbie and would spend the day with their grandmothers. Those were usually the days when Brian went into Kinnetik and he would pick up the boys after work and take them back to Britin for their dinner.

On these days Justin would schedule meetings with his agent and gallery owners which would be either had in person or via Brian's up to date video communication system which he had installed at Britin to stay in contact with Kinnetik without having to be in the office everyday. After Justin's second week of living at Britin, Brian had seen how he would have important conversations on Skype, which was not acceptable to Brian. He had immediately offered his office to Justin for the days he was at Kinnetik and in the end after some persuasion, Justin had gladly accepted. He had to agree with Brian that using Brian's video communication system made him appear way more professional and established than a Skype conversation did. Brian had argued that for an artist of Justin's stature Skype was simply not acceptable.

Sometimes, if Justin's meetings involved local galleries or art patrons or he didn't have any meetings for the day, he would join Gus and Luke at their grandmother's, allowing him to work on rebuilding his relationships with both his mom and Debbie. On those days they would all have dinner together at the diner, where Ted, Blake and Emmett would join them whenever they had time, which made the boys even happier. They loved the colourful diner and the unhealthy food there, but even more they loved their Uncles Ted and Blake and Auntie Em and enjoyed spending time with them.

At one of those dinners Justin had taken Emmett aside and had commented to him that these dinners were the reason why Emmett and Ted had needed to make up as well. It just wouldn't be the same with one of them missing. Emmett had had to agree and had also admitted to himself that he couldn't really live without Ted in his life. Ted had been his best friend and he had hated fighting with him. He had been glad that they had been able to work out their differences and were now best friends again as if nothing had ever happened.

After dinner and finishing homework and getting ready for bed, Brian and Justin would take turns reading to Luke. One of them would help Luke take his bath and the other would read a bedtime story to him, the next day they would switch. So far that had worked fine for them and Luke had loved the attention he was getting from his Daddy and Papa.

Gus had been a slightly different matter. The older boy had claimed that he was too grown up to be read a good night story and could read his own. He was also old enough to have his own shower and didn't really care much for his father's help. What he liked however, was when his Daddy or Justin came to his room when he was ready to settle down in bed and would just talk to him about his day. He liked talking to them and they always listened to everything he told them. This wasn't like living with his moms had been, who had never had enough time for him or had never cared enough to listen to what he had to say. Both Justin and his father always made sure that he got all the attention he deserved.

Once both boys were settled in bed, Brian and Justin would do whatever they had planned for their evenings. Often enough Brian would do some more work on one of his campaigns, while Justin recovered to the living-room and spent his evening sketching or watching a movie. So far they hadn't really spent any time together apart from the time they spent with the boys, but that seemed to suit both of them fine. They were both happy with how well living together had worked out for their family so far. It could have been far worse, they both knew. Things weren't perfect and could always be better, but they were happy with what they had. For now that was good enough.

***

“Daddy, can I ask you something?” Gus looked at Brian from big, slightly worried eyes.

“Sure, sonny boy. What is it?” Brian settled down on Gus' bed and moved closer to his son, wrapping his arms around him in a protective embrace.

“Is Justin my Papa, too?”

At Gus' question Brian tensed for a moment, hoping that Gus hadn't noticed. How was he supposed to answer that?

“Do you want him to be?” Brian asked instead of answering. If you didn't have an answer, get yourself some additional time by asking questions yourself. That had always worked for him so far and he hoped it would work for him now.

“I don't know,” Gus muttered.

“Then why do you ask?” Brian asked, encouraging his son to tell him what was going on in his head.

Gus shrugged. “He said he wanted to be my father, too. That he loved me, too. Not just Luke.”

“He does love you. With all his heart. Never doubt that,” Brian assured the small boy at his side. He wasn't quite sure what Justin had told Gus and why they would talk about something like that at all, but he had never doubted Justin's love for Gus. Of that he had always been sure and ever since Justin had been back in their lives, he had never treated Gus any differently from Luke. He had treated Gus with the same respect, love and tenderness as he treated Luke and if Brian allowed himself to think about it, he had to admit that Justin treated Gus as if he was his son, too. Which to some extent Gus was. After all Justin had been there the night Gus had been born, had been with him for the first five years of his life, had probably spent even more time with him than Brian himself had. And for those five years Gus had only ever known Justin as his father's partner, which pretty much made him a second father to him.

“I don't think so,” Gus mumbled, hiding his head in his father's shoulder.

“Why do you say that?”

“If he loved me, he would have been here all the time, but he wasn't here for years,” Gus pointed out. To him it made perfect sense that Justin couldn't love him. If he really loved him, like his daddy did, he would have been with him all his life, just like his daddy. He wouldn't have stopped visiting or spending time with him, if he had really loved him.

Brian sighed, wondering how he should explain their troubles to his ten year old son. “Gus, that wasn't Justin's choice. Sometimes we don't get a choice in what we do and this was a case where Justin didn't have a choice. If he had had a choice, he would have been with you all these years. He loves you very much and he was hurt as well by not being able to see you. Just like you missed him, he missed you. A lot.” Brian turned to his son and looked at him closely. “Do you trust me, Gus?”

“Of course, Daddy,” Gus nodded. He would always trust his daddy. He loved his daddy and his daddy was the best.

“Then trust me when I tell you that Justin loves you very, very much and will never stop loving you if you don't want him to. Just like I would, he would do anything for you. Justin loves you just as much as he loves Luke. Never doubt that!”

“Does he really want to be my father, too?”

“I can't say for sure, as he hasn't told me, but I do believe it, yes. And if he has told you, then he means it. Justin doesn't lie. He would never lie to you, he loves you too much for that.”

“But... he's not really my father. You are,” Gus pointed out with a frown. “I can't call him Papa if he's not really my Papa like he is Luke's.”

“Do you remember what I told you about Grandma Debbie? That she's not really my mother?”

Gus nodded, he had heard the story from his daddy and he knew that Grandma Debbie had helped him when he had been unhappy as a child and had taken care of him when he was younger.

“And you know what I call her, don't you?”

“You call her Ma,” Gus answered quietly.

“Exactly. I do. Even though she's not my real mother by blood and we're not really related, I still call her Ma. Do you want to know why?”

Gus nodded quietly.

“Because I love her like a mother and because I know that she loves me too as if I were her son. We might not be related by blood, but she has always loved me and taken care of me and has always supported me. She has treated me like her son and I love her like my mother. Blood relations are nice, but they're not what matter, Gus. It's all about what we feel. Sometimes people we are not related to mean a lot more to us than the people we are actually related to. Sometimes the family we choose for ourselves loves us more than our real family. And it's okay for us to love them back, too.”

Gus contemplated his father's words and actually thought about them for a long time. “I like Justin and I love him, too.”

This time it was Brian's turn to nod. “That's absolutely okay, Gus. This is about how you're feeling and if you want him to be your father, I am sure he would love to be. He loves you that much.”

“And then I can call him Papa, too?”

“I am sure he would love that,” Brian assured his son, pulling him closer in his embrace. After several minutes Brian pulled back and eyed Gus carefully. He saw the sad expression on his son's face and wondered what that was about. He had thought Gus would feel better now after their talk. “What is it, sonny boy? Something else on your mind?”

Gus chewed on his bottom lip and Brian's gaze softened. Gus reminded him so much of himself when he had been that age. How often had he chewed on his bottom lip like that when he had tried to put his thoughts in order? Come to think of it, he still did that.

“Is it bad if I love Justin more than I love my mommy?” Gus asked, his voice hardly above a whisper and Brian knew without a doubt that tears would follow soon. Sure enough, hardly two seconds later, he saw the first tears roll down Gus' cheeks.

Brian once again pulled his son close in an embrace and spoke to him in a voice that didn't allow any contradiction. “Never feel sorry for how you feel, you hear me, sonny boy? That's absolutely nothing you have to be sad about.” Brian was silent for a few minutes, ordering his thoughts. How to best say what he needed to say without saying something bad about Lindsay in the process? Right now Brian wanted to kill her for all the pain she had put his son through. “Remember what I said about being related by blood? Sometimes we love other people more than we love our real family and that is okay, Gus. That is absolutely fine. And sometimes they love us more than our real family. That's not really the way it's supposed to be, but it is the way it is at times. You just remember that Justin chooses to love you. He's not related to you, he doesn't have to love you, but he wants to. He chose to love you because you're such a great boy and because you mean so much to him. That's all that matters right now. That you have someone in your life who loves you and chose to love you. And if you choose to love him back, that's also fine. It's more than fine really.“

“Really?” Gus asked from big eyes, having calmed down a bit in his father's arms.

“Really,” Brian affirmed.

“I think I want him to be my father, too,” Gus whispered. “I want to have two fathers, too. Like Luke.”

Brian ran his hand through his son's hair, feeling for the small boy in his arms. He had only ever wanted for his children to be happy and healthy, but poor Gus had already had to deal with so much due to Lindsay's behaviour at such a young age. Brian just hoped that he wouldn't bear the scars of that for the rest of his life, like Brian did with the emotional scars of his upbringing. He wanted happiness for his child and if having Justin as a second father was giving his son some happiness, then Brian could definitely live with that.

“How about you tell him? I am sure he will be ecstatic,” Brian suggested, slowly moving up from his position at Gus' side. He saw Gus nod and then smiled at his son. “How about I get him and then you tell him, huh?”

“Yes, daddy.” Gus agreed, wiping away the last of the remnants of the tears on his face.

As Brian moved to the door and wanted to get Justin to talk to his son, he heard Gus' voice call out for him. “Daddy?”

“Yes, sonny boy?” Brian turned around and smiled at his son encouragingly.

“I love you, daddy. Not because we're related and I have to, but because I want to. You are the best daddy in the world.”

“I love you, too, sonny boy. And you and Luke are the best sons anyone could wish for. You have no idea how much I love you and your brother.”

“A lot?” Gus asked.

“Way more than a lot,” Brian assured the small boy with a chuckle, then left the room to go in search of Justin.

He found Justin in the kitchen, sitting at the kitchen table, sketching some scene from their dinner earlier that night.

“Do you have a minute?” Brian asked quietly, not wanting to scare Justin who seemed to be deep in concentration.

“What?” Justin looked at Brian with confusion in his eyes. “What did you say?”

“I wondered if you had a minute. Gus would like to talk to you,” Brian explained and he marvelled at the smile that broke out on Justin's face.

“Sure,” Justin readily agreed and got up from the table.

As they made their way to Gus' room, Brian stopped Justin for a second. “Just... just be aware that he's a bit emotional right now.”

Brian immediately saw worry and concern appear on Justin's face. “Emotional? Is everything alright?”

Brian shrugged. “I am not sure, but I have a feeling it will be after he has talked to you.”

“Brian, what's going on?”

“He should tell you,” Brian only replied and then led Justin to Gus' room. “Gus? Justin is here. I'll leave you two alone. You sleep tight, sonny boy,” Brian announced, before he went over and gave his son a goodnight kiss and a tight hug.

“You too, daddy,” the small boy smiled as he returned the sentiment.

Brian only nodded at Justin, then left the two of them alone. This was a private moment between them and he didn't want to intrude.

“Hey buddy,” Justin started with a concerned voice. “Is everything okay?”

Gus nodded slowly, eyeing Justin carefully, as the older man moved over to his bed and sat down on its edge. “Do you remember what you said when you picked me up from school?”

At Justin's confused look, Gus elaborated. “When you said you wanted to be my father, too?”

Justin's confusion was immediately replaced by understanding. Of course he remembered that conversation. How could he not? Gus had told him he would let him know his decision, but so far the boy had never spoken of their talk again, so Justin had just assumed that he had forgotten about it altogether. “Of course I do. How could I forget that?” Justin smiled at the boy.

“I-I... I think I want you to be my father, too,” Gus said quietly, looking at Justin intently. When he saw Justin's face break out into a huge smile, he knew what his Grandma Debbie meant when she spoke of Justin's sunshine smile. His smile lit up the entire room.

“You do? Really?” Justin asked, clearly happy and excited about Gus' announcement.

Gus nodded, a small smile gracing his lips as well.

“Gus, you have no idea how honoured I feel right now. I would love nothing more than to be your father, too. I love you more than anything.”

“I love you, too,” the small boy was now smiling just as widely as his new Papa was.

They launched at each other and met in a crushing hug. Gus hung on for dear life as Justin hugged him close and ran his hand through the boy's hair.

“You have no idea how happy that makes me, Gus. I promise you to always love you and to never leave you again, you hear me? You have my word,” Justin whispered in a choked voice, by now crying happy tears.

Gus had started crying as well, but for him it was also happy tears only. “I believe you.”

They sat like that, embracing each other for several minutes, before Gus pulled back and looked at Justin with a furrowed brow.

“What is it, buddy? Out with it,” Justin urged gently.

“Can I call you Papa, too? Like Luke does?”

“If that's what you want, sure.”

“B-but, you're not really my Papa. Is it still okay?”

Justin took Gus' hand and led it to his chest, where his heart was beating. He put Gus' small hand on his heart and smiled at the boy. “In here, you are my son and I am your Papa and that's all that matters. I love you like you are my son and if you love me like I am your father and you want to call me Papa, then that's what we'll do. This is about how we feel and it would make me happier than I've ever been to be your Papa, too.”

“Okay, Papa,” Gus said with a big smile.

More tears appeared on Justin's face and he pulled the small boy close again. “I love you, buddy.”

Justin stayed with Gus for another half an hour until they had both calmed down and Gus was ready to go to sleep. It had been an emotional evening for the small boy and after Justin had promised to stay at his side until he had fallen asleep, Gus fell asleep in mere minutes. His head hit the pillow and a few minutes later he was out for the night.

Chapter 22

After Gus had fallen asleep, Justin left the boy's room. Once outside in the hallway, he thought for a few minutes about what to do. He was emotional about the boy's declaration of love and also trust in him and wanted to share his happiness with someone. He contemplated finding Brian and sharing his happiness with him. After all they were friends and this was something that made Brian's son happy. No, their son, Justin corrected himself with a smile on his lips.

He went in search of Brian and found him in the living-room, watching the news on TV. He frowned when he saw the bottle of Beam on the table and the tumbler that Brian had in his hand, filled with the amber liquid from the bottle.

Brian hadn't drunk in months, at least not in Justin's presence and Justin wondered if this was just to relax after a long day. Then his mind wandered to other times when Brian had drunk Beam and most of those times Brian had used it as a way of pain management. Brian had always drunk when he had been unhappy or angry about something or someone, Justin realised with a start.

'Shit!', he thought to himself. What if Brian was angry with him? After all Justin had just gone ahead without talking to him first and had offered to Gus that he wanted to be the boy's father, too. What if Brian didn't want him to be? After all he wasn't Gus' father. Brian was. What if Brian felt like Justin was implementing himself in Gus' life and didn't like that? 'Fuck, fuck, fuck!' The more Justin thought about it, the more he was sure that Brian was drinking because he was angry with him for not mentioning his grand idea of being Gus' father, too to him and putting him on the spot like Brian had with his moving-into-Britin-idea. Did Brian think that this was Justin's revenge for that episode?

Justin didn't quite know what to do, but in the end decided that all he could do was apologise for his wrongdoing. “I-I am sorry, Brian,” he said quietly, watching the older man on the sofa who didn't seem to have noticed his appearance by now.

Brian startled at hearing Justin's voice and eyed him curiously. “Sorry?”

“Yes, I am really sorry.”

“What for?” Brian frowned, not sure what Justin was talking about.

“I should have told you about my conversation with Gus. I shouldn't just have gone behind your back like that and shouldn't have put you in this situation,” Justin explained, looking contrite.

“What situation?” Brian still sounded confused.

“You didn't really have much choice about what to tell Gus and I am sorry about that.”

“What are you talking about? You're not making any sense,” Brian declared finally, when he'd had enough of Justin's senseless, at least to him, ramblings.

“About him wanting to call me Papa, too and him wanting me to be his father as well. I-I should have told you that I talked to him about this before.”

“Why? What you and Gus talk about doesn't concern me.”

“But you're his father. Of course it concerns you,” Justin exclaimed. “He's your son.”

“Our son,” Brian corrected gently, taking another sip from his tumbler. “Our son. You're his father, too. You always have been and you always will be. It's about time Gus knows that, too.”

“Wh-what? You're not angry about this?” Now it was Justin's turn to be confused.

“Angry?” Brian actually snorted at that. “Why would I be angry? My son loves you and wants you to be a part of his life, too. He's accepted your role in Luke's life and wants the same for himself. Why would that make me angry? It makes me happy for him and for you.”

Justin could understand why Brian might be happy for Gus about finding a second father, even though he couldn't quite combine Brian's statement with what he saw before him, but he couldn't understand why Brian would be happy for him. “Me?”

Brian sighed, he still didn't like talking about feelings all that much, especially his own, but he knew that Justin needed to hear this. “You have been in Gus' life from day one. You have been there for him whenever he needed someone. You have spent more time with him than I did and you have been as much, if not more of a father to him than I have been when he was younger. What Lindsay and I did broke that bond that you had with Gus and I feel sorry for that. I am not an idiot, Justin. I know that Gus has been struggling with your reappearance and your new role in our lives. He didn't mention anything, he's my son after all,” at that statement Brian smirked and Justin actually had to chuckle. “But even I could see that he was struggling to let you back into his life. In the end he did and he accepted your role in this family. And yes, that doesn't only make me happy for him, it also makes me happy for you. I know how hard all this is for you. I am no fool, Justin. And I know you want this to work out and you want this family. So I am happy for you, too that you're one step closer to getting that.”

When Brian finished and Justin had processed his words, he just had to ask to be absolutely sure. “You're absolutely not angry with me?”

“No, I have no reason to be,” Brian confirmed once more. “Why would you even think that?”

Justin nodded at the older man and then moved his gaze to the bottle of Beam on the table. Brian immediately knew what Justin was implying and understood his question. “I wasn't angry at you,” Brian sighed.

“Then who?”

“Lindsay,” Brian said quietly, before putting his tumbler down next to the bottle of Beam.

“Why her? What does she have to do with any of this?”

“Gus asked if it was wrong that he loved you more than he loved his own mommy,” Brian explained quietly.

“Oh,” was all Justin could say to that.

“I think he wanted to tell you earlier, but wasn't sure if it was okay for him to love you when he should love his mommy. Or some fucked up thinking like that.”

“He's only a child, Brian. This must be confusing for him,” Justin tried to soothe the older man.

“Of course it is, but it shouldn't be. He shouldn't even be in that situation,” Brian exclaimed angrily.

Justin moved over to the sofa and sat down next to his former partner. “No, he shouldn't be, but we can't change that. It is what it is and all we can do is try to make it as easy for him as we can.”

“Spoken like a true father already.”

“Well, I learned from the best,” Justin smiled, but immediately stopped, when he saw the thunderous expression on Brian's face. “Brian?”

“When did that fucking bastard piece of shit become the best father?”

“Brian?” Justin frowned. “Are you talking about... Oh God, you think I meant Craig?” Justin couldn't help but snort when he realised what Brian had been thinking. “That bastard isn't even worth the air he's breathing.”

“Then who are you talking about?” Brian asked angrily.

“You,” Justin chuckled and laughed outright when he saw Brian's surprise on his face.

“I am not a good father,” Brian just replied, then got up and turned to leave the room.

“If this is about you and me, stop it right there! We won't do the guilt shit again. It's in the past! I was talking about how much you obviously love your sons. Everyone can see that. You would do everything for them. Hell, you pretty much changed your whole life for them because you made them your top priority. In my book that makes you a pretty damn good father.”

Brian listened to Justin's words and in the end just nodded. He had never been good at accepting compliments and never quite knew how to react to them. And he was pretty sure that somewhere in there there had been a compliment.

After a few minutes of silence, Justin walked over to where Brian was pacing and stopped right in front of him, looking him squarely in the eye. “Crisis over?” He just asked and smiled in relief when Brian nodded.

“No one does drama queen quite like you do,” Justin chuckled.

“Don't let Emmy Lou hear you say that. He will be so disappointed.”

“I'll just push our sons in his face and they'll distract him from any disappointment.”

“Our sons, I like that,” Brian smiled wistfully.

Justin nodded. “Brian, I already told Gus and I want to tell you as well: I love him and I will never do anything to hurt him. He's a huge part of my life and having him say that he wants me to be his father too and to hear him call me Papa has made me feel so honoured. I won't do anything to hurt him. Please trust me on that.”

“I know,” Brian nodded. And he had known indeed. He had never doubted Justin's feelings for either of his sons and he knew that Justin loved them both and would die for both of them.

He walked back to the table and picked up his tumbler once more. “I have been thinking... After Gus said he wanted you to be his father, too,” Brian started.

“Okay,” Justin nodded, sitting down on the sofa and looking at Brian expectantly.

“I-I want us to put into writing that you're Gus' father, too,” Brian started, but was immediately interrupted by an angry outburst from Justin.

“No, Brian. We agreed we didn't need a custody agreement for Luke and we certainly won't need one for Gus either.”

“Not a custody agreement,” Brian explained calmly.

“What then?”

“I would tell you, if you'd let me finish,” Brian smirked and chuckled as Justin blushed, but stayed quiet.

“You are Luke's father, your name is on his birth certificate. We agreed that was enough to give you equal rights to him, but Gus is another matter. Officially you're nothing to him and... I want to change that.”

“What?”

“I want to make sure that Luke and Gus won't be separated if something happens.”

“Brian,” Justin started, but Brian just ignored him and went on.

“The cancer could come back or there could be an accident. Bad things happen, Justin. We have no control over that. However, I want to be prepared for all eventualities. Right now Gus would go to your mom and Deb if something were to happen to me, but I want to change that.”

“Why?” Justin asked quietly.

“Obviously as Luke's father, Luke would get to stay with you. You would be his legal parent and have all rights to him, but Gus... he's not your son. I don't want them to be separated and I know that you love Gus like your own son. I-I just want to make sure that you will have full control about his life if something were to happen to me. I-I... don't want him to have to go back to Lindsay under any circumstances and I know you would fight her tooth and nail if she ever tried to get him back.”

“Of course,” Justin affirmed. There was no way the woman who had tried to kidnap his son from Brian would ever get to lay her hands on his second son.

“I'll have papers drawn up to make you Gus' legal guardian and... with time I was thinking that maybe you'd want to adopt him,” Brian continued.

“Adopt Gus?” Justin's eyes had widened.

“Only if you want to,” Brian immediately assured the younger man. He didn't want to pressure Justin into something he didn't want to do.

“Brian, I'd love to. You have no idea how honoured I would be to be his father legally as well, but... would that even be possible? What about Lindsay? She's still his mother and she would have to agree, right?” Justin frowned.

“I have sole custody. I can make all decisions concerning Gus' welfare on my own. Lindsay has no influence on his life whatsoever and if she were to somehow find out and would contest the adoption, I think we'd have a pretty good case against her,” Brian spat. “What court would agree with a mother that tried to kidnap another child to show it off as her own and that hasn't even called her son once in almost four years? I have enough dirt on her to make every judge agree with whatever I want. She is no longer a part of Gus' life.”

“Okay, but... we should talk to Gus first,” Justin insisted.

“He already said that he wanted you to be his father, too.”

“Brian,” Justin sighed. “He's ten. He's hurt and he saw Luke getting a second parent. Of course that made him miss a second parent as well and made him want one, too. I was the best option available, so of course he wanted me to be his father, too. But... there's a big difference between wanting someone because you're hurt and between making it legal for the rest of your life. We'll have to explain to him what an adoption would entail and I won't agree to it if he doesn't understand and doesn't want to do it. If necessary, we'll wait until he's old enough to understand.”

“Justin,” Brian started, but this time was interrupted by Justin.

“No, Brian. I can live with the legal guardianship. I agree, it would kill Gus and Luke to be separated. They love each other so much, but everything else, we'll have to discuss with Gus. Please, Brian. I won't feel comfortable otherwise,” Justin pleaded.

“Okay,” Brian agreed in the end, knowing that if Justin had set his mind to something, there was no way to get him to back away from his opinion. If Justin were to adopt Gus, he'd only do it his way and there was no point in trying to anger him or discuss this anymore. And Justin was probably right anyway. Gus needed a say, too. Brian couldn't just go and make decisions like that for his son.

Chapter 23

The next day Justin had picked up Luke from his preschool and was now on his way to Gus' school, to pick up the older boy. Luke had been excitedly telling him all about his day at preschool and all he had done and like any good father, Justin had listened to his excited young son and had smiled at all he had learned and done that day.

They pulled up in front of Gus' school and could already see the boy standing at the curb waiting for them. He waved back when both Justin and Luke waved at him from the car. Once Justin had parked the car, Gus opened the door and got in, getting himself seated in his designated spot.

“Hey buddy, have you been waiting long? I am sorry that we're late, but we got stuck in traffic,” Justin apologised for their slight delay, which was probably not necessary as he was only one or two minutes later than usual.

“No, Papa. Mrs Higgins has only just let us go. I have only been outside waiting for ten seconds or so,” the small boy answered, giving Justin a blinding smile.

Justin smiled back, first of all because Gus looked really happy and excited and secondly because Gus had called him 'Papa'. Yes, they had talked about it the night before, but hearing it out of Gus' mouth still made Justin happier than he liked to admit.

“Well, that's good then. What do you two say about stopping at the grocery store and getting some ingredients for a Lasagna? I really feel like Lasagna tonight. Don't you?” Justin asked, knowing that both boys would readily agree. They loved Lasagna and couldn't get enough of it.

“Yes, Papa!” They both cheered at the same time which made Justin chuckle. “I guess that means yes to Lasagna.”

He pulled away from the curb and got back into traffic, making his way to the supermarket. Gus was eagerly telling him about the project Mrs Higgins, his science teacher had given him as homework and neither of them noticed the weird look that Luke was giving both of them.

***

45 minutes later they pulled into Britin and were greeted at the main door by Brian, who scooped up both boys into his big arms and hugged them close.

“How are you doing?” He smiled at his sons and listened to their stories about their days with a content smile on his face. He let the boys down and helped them out of their winter jackets, hats, scarves and gloves and watched as Justin came in with bags of groceries. He sighed inwardly, feeling another of Justin's famous dinner meals coming: His kitchen would be a mess once Justin was done, he just knew it. “What's all that?”

“Papa is making Lasagna tonight,” Gus enthused and once again nobody noticed how Luke was giving Gus a strange, confused look.

“Is he? Again?” Brian chuckled, raising his eyebrows at Justin who was blushing slightly. They had had Lasagna at least three or four times in the last three weeks.

“He said he loves making Lasagna for us as it is our favourite food, right, Luke?” Gus nodded at his younger brother, who had been uncharacteristically quiet.

When Luke didn't reply and didn't look at Gus, Gus frowned. “Luke? You like Lasagna, don't you?”

Luke just turned his head to Gus slowly, eyeing him from big eyes as if he was only just realising that his brother was talking to him. “Huh?” He asked in confusion, obviously not having heard what Gus had asked him.

“Gus asked if you liked Lasagna, sleepyhead,” Justin teased as he ruffled his son's hear. “What is it? Are you tired? Do you want to take a nap before we start making dinner?” Justin eyed his son and wasn't really surprised at his answer.

Luke shook his head furiously and glared at Justin with his best Kinney glare which he was obviously copying from his Daddy and his older brother. “I don't need a nap, Papa. I am not a little baby.”

“Of course you're not,” Brian agreed, taking his son into his arms and holding him tight. He rubbed his nose against his son's nose in an Eskimo kiss. “But you're your Papa's son and your Papa is one big sleepyhead. You should see how many naps he takes in a day,” Brian joked and it only took a second to hear Justin's outraged cry.

“Do not! Don't believe him, Luke,” Justin laughed as he brought his shopping bags into the spacious kitchen.

“Yes you, do,” Gus confirmed which earned him a playful glare from Justin.

“I trusted you to be on my side, buddy,” Justin complained and sighed dramatically. “I guess sons aren't what they used to be anymore.”

“I still love you anyway, Papa,” Gus chuckled at Justin's antics before he settled at the kitchen table to get a start on his homework.

“Well, at least something,” Justin smiled brightly, ruffling Gus' hair. He then walked over to Brian and Luke and frowned when Luke leaned closer into Brian's side as if to turn away from him.

Brian noticed as well and threw Justin a questioning look. Justin just shook his head in silence, communicating that he had no idea what was going on. “Hey sonny boy, everything alright?” Brian asked gently as Justin looked on in confusion.

Luke nodded and burrowed even deeper into his father's arms. “Can I help you work in your office, Daddy?” The small boy asked quietly, not looking at his Papa or Gus.

“Sure, but don't you want to help your Papa and Gus with the Lasagna?”

“No,” Luke just said and threw his arms around Brian's neck in a death grip.

“Alright, my office it is then,” Brian said lightly, throwing Justin another look of concern. Both men were eyeing their youngest son with worry, hoping that Luke wasn't coming down with something.

After Brian and Luke had left, Justin stood rooted to the spot for several minutes, just looking at the empty space that Brian and Luke had occupied. It wasn't like Luke to refuse any attention from Justin. Usually Luke loved any second he could spend with his Papa and would love every hug, every eskimo kiss, every smile and every affectionate gesture Justin had to offer. Justin had never seen Luke turn away from him and even though he knew that he was probably overreacting, it hurt him immensely that his son had turned away from him.

Justin didn't notice Gus coming up to his side and giving him a hug. “I am sure he's just tired,” Gus said quietly, looking at Justin from deeply caring hazel eyes.

Putting on a smile for the small boy at his side, Justin agreed. “I am sure you're right.”

***

“Are you okay, sonny boy?” Brian asked with obvious concern as he sat down in his big office chair, Luke still hugging him close, now sitting on his lap. When the small boy only nodded curtly, Brian grew even more concerned. This silence wasn't like Luke. Usually Luke was all over the place and couldn't shut up, something he had clearly inherited from his Papa. “Are you sure? You're awfully quiet,” Brian pointed out, giving his son's arm a gentle squeeze.

“I am fine, Daddy.”

“You know you can tell me, right? Whatever it is, I'm here to listen.” Brian urged, but Luke only nodded again.

“I love you, Daddy,” the small boy said as he lifted his head from Brian's chest and kissed his cheek.

“I love you, too, sonny boy,” Brian returned the feeling and ruffled his son's hair.

“Can I help you work?” Luke asked, turning towards Brian's desk and looking at all the papers on the desk. Luke had loved to spend his afternoons after school in Brian's office and had loved to 'help' his daddy with his advice on boards and slogans for ad campaigns. He had felt grown up and important when his Daddy had asked him for advice on his work and Luke had loved these times together. Gus had never really shown an interest in Brian's work and had much rather spent his afternoons playing in his room with his toys, but this had always been Luke's and Brian's thing. It had stopped however after Justin had shown up and had started to spend his afternoons at the house. Ever since Luke had spent the afternoons with his Papa and his brother. Maybe he was just missing some good old one-on-one time with his Daddy, Brian thought to himself as he looked at his son with concern.

“Of course you can,” Brian assured his son and picked up a board that was lying on his desk. “Can you guess what this is for?” Brian asked and smiled as Luke sat up and studied the board eagerly. Luke loved guessing what the ads his father was working on were for.

“There's a baby and it's looking up at something and it's smiling... Is it something for babies?” Luke asked, turning to his father for confirmation.

“Yes, it is for babies. Any guess what it could be?”

“Diapers?” Luke asked, making a face that made Brian chuckle.

“Good guess, but no. It's not for diapers. What else could it be?”

“Food? Babies love food and this baby is happy,” Luke ventured on and regarded Brian with one of his sunshine smiles when Brian told him that he had guessed right.

Maybe his son was alright, Brian thought as he looked at the happy, shining eyes and the sunshine smile on his face. He was probably just reading too much into the incident earlier.

They stayed in Brian's office for another two hours, before Gus came and called them for dinner. Just at that moment Luke's stomach gave a loud rumble and all three Kinneys had to laugh at that. Luke flushed slightly, but joined in the laughter. The three of them happily made their way into the kitchen where Justin was waiting for them, setting the table.

He threw a glance at Brian, who only shrugged and nodded towards the now happily smiling child as if to say that everything was okay now. Justin visibly calmed when he saw his happy son and put the Lasagna on the table.

“So, did you two get a lot of work done?” Justin asked as he sat down in his chair and watched his family at the table. Not a typical family, but his family and that thought made him happy.

“Luke was a great help. I might have to think about firing Cynthia and hiring Luke,” Brian joked and watched as Luke's eyes grew wide.

“No, Daddy! Don't fire Cynthia. I like her,” the worried boy exclaimed as he turned to his father.

“He was only joking, Luke,” Gus pointed out in a slightly bored big brother voice. How that wasn't obvious to his younger brother, he didn't know.

“Gus is right, your Daddy wouldn't dare to fire Cynthia,” Justin agreed and everyone except for Luke laughed as Brian muttered “As if she would ever let me live that down.”

When the laughter quieted down, Gus turned towards Justin. “The Lasagna is really good, Papa,” he enthused and Justin smiled at the praise. Before he could reply however, Luke's small voice could be heard breaking the silence.

“He is not your Papa.”

All eyes at the table turned to Luke and a slightly angered “Luke!” escaped Brian's mouth.

Luke turned to his father and stared at him indignantly. “He is my Papa, not Gus' Papa.” He then turned his head to Gus and glared at his older brother. “Why are you calling him Papa when he's not?”

Justin had watched the exchange and sighed inwardly. In all his excitement about Gus wanting him to be his father and Brian wanting him to be Gus' legal guardian, he had totally forgotten about Luke and how he would feel about Gus calling him Papa as well. He realised then that he and Brian should have at least talked to Luke to explain why Gus also considered Justin his father. Throwing a glance at Brian, their eyes met and Justin could see that Brian had probably come to the same realisation.

“Luke,” Justin started gently, but was interrupted by Gus' voice at his side.

“He is my Papa, too,” Gus said quietly, looking at his younger brother sadly. “He said he loved me too and I wanted him to be my Papa, too. He can be both our Papa, right, Luke? Like Daddy is both our Daddy. So we can both have a Papa and a Daddy that love us.”

Justin could see Brian's eyes becoming glassy as Gus spoke and knew how Brian was feeling. He was feeling the same. Turning his eyes to his son, Justin spoke in a quiet, gentle voice. “Come here, will you, Luke?”

The small boy seemed to hesitate for a short moment, but then moved around the table to his father's side. Justin picked him up and placed him in his lap, hugging him close. “I love you, buddy. More than you'll ever know.” When Luke eyed him doubtfully, a part of Justin's heart broke. He felt relieved when his son finally lost the doubtful look and smiled at him. Justin sighed and his voice sounded sad when he continued. “Let me assure you, honey, that I love you more than anything! More than life itself. You are what makes me smile everyday. You are making me so happy that I don't even have words to describe it, but...,” Justin stopped for a second and placed a gentle kiss on his son's forehead. “I love Gus, too. Gus is like a son to me and even though he's not my real son like you are, I love him just the same as I love you and when Gus asked me if I wanted to be his Papa, too, I felt really honoured and it made me really happy. Can you understand that?”

Luke seemed to consider Justin's words for a while and then nodded slowly.

“I want you to know that me loving Gus and being his Papa, too, won't change what I feel for you. You're still my son and I love you just the same today as I loved you yesterday.”

Justin ran his hand through his son's hair and smiled at him, he then looked up and looked at a sad-looking Gus. “Come over here, too, Gus, will you?”

Gus came over and settled down on Justin's other leg, leaning into his Papa. Justin looked from Gus to Luke and back.

“Let me ask you something, boys, okay?” When both boys nodded, Justin continued. “Do you think your Daddy loves you, Gus?”

Gus frowned and Justin could see from the corner of his eyes that Brian looked confused, too, but he didn't really care about Brian at that moment, if he was honest with himself. Gus didn't hesitate with his answer though. “Of course he does.”

Justin smiled and nodded then turned to his younger son. “And you? Do you think your Daddy loves you, Luke?”

“Yes, Daddy loves me a lot,” Luke assured his Papa.

“So, if I understand you correctly, you're saying that your Daddy loves you both.”

Both boys nodded, feeling confused by where Justin was going with this.

“And you don't think I can do the same? Obviously your Daddy can love you both and you both know that he loves you, but you don't think I can do the same and can love you both as well?” Justin looked sad when he looked from one boy to the other.

“I think you can,” Gus replied quietly, leaning a bit more into Justin. “I know you can. You already do.”

“And you, Luke? Do you think I can do the same as your Daddy and love you both?”

Luke seemed to ponder Justin's words and if the situation hadn't been so serious, Brian would have laughed at the concentrated look on his son's face. He looked so much like Justin when he was thinking about something or deep in concentration that it was really spooky. The sparkle he saw in Justin's eyes, told him that Justin had probably thought something along the same lines.

After what seemed like several minutes, but probably was only seconds, Luke looked at his Papa seriously. “You can do anything, Papa. If you want to love us both, I am sure you can. You're Papa and if Daddy can do it, so can you.”

“Well, I will certainly do my best,” Justin chuckled and left a kiss on both his sons' foreheads. “I just want you both to know that I love you and there's nothing I love more than being your Papa. To both of you.” When both boys kissed him back on his cheek, Justin smiled. “Do you think you will be able to share me like you're sharing your Daddy? Without fighting and being mean to each other?”

Both boys looked at each other and nodded. A small smile broke out on Gus' face and he leaned closer to his younger brother, taking him into a crushing hug. “Thanks for sharing your Papa with me, Luke! I love you, baby brother.”

“I love you, Gus,” Luke replied and looked at his older brother. “I am glad you now have a Papa as well. My Papa is the best!”

Brian and Justin watched as the brothers made up and shortly after everyone returned to their original seats and dinner continued. It was Luke who made everyone laugh and who broke the tension once and for all, when he looked up from his Lasagna and asked in a slightly scared voice. “I'll share my Papa with you, but we won't have to share dessert, right?”

“I am glad you've got your priorities sorted, sonny boy,” Brian snorted as he lightly clapped Luke on the shoulder in good humour.

Chapter 24

As their family was quickly approaching their first Thanksgiving together, things got more and more settled at Britin. Both boys had accepted that Justin was a father to both of them and had been happier than they had been in a long time. Everyone had been surprised by how easy the transition of Justin moving into Britin had gone and so far there hadn't been any big problems or arguments which could be due to Brian and Justin mostly spending time on their own after the boys had gone to bed. Even though that might not be considered perfect, it worked for them and both of them were happy enough with their family the way it was.

Two days before Thanksgiving, Brian had asked Justin after lunch to join him in his office as there was something he wanted to talk to him about.

“Why the serious face? What's going on?” Justin asked as he looked at Brian's almost stony expression.

“There's something we need to talk about,” Brian started as he sat down with a sigh in his office chair.

“And I guess I am not going to like it?” Justin assumed as he took a seat opposite Brian in one of the other chairs at the desk.

Brian just shrugged in response.

“Okay, out with it. What is so bad that you can't tell me?”

“Thanksgiving,” Brian just answered as if that would be explanation enough.

Justin looked only more confused. “What about it? Did anyone cancel? Did Emmett refuse to prepare dinner?”

Brian and Justin had started talking about Thanksgiving two weeks earlier and Brian had explained to Justin how he and the boys had normally spent their holiday together. How they would have Deb, Jennifer, Ted and Blake over and would have a Thanksgiving dinner that had been prepared by the grandmas of the family. It had sounded lovely to Justin and he couldn't wait to have his first Thanksgiving with his family. In recent years he had often been too busy to celebrate Thanksgiving as he had been preparing for Christmas shows and had been busily getting his masterpieces ready, but this year he had cancelled all upcoming shows, so that he could spend more time with his newfound family and he had been beyond excited at the prospect of spending holidays with his two sons and everyone they loved and cared about. When he had told Emmett about how much he was looking forward to Thanksgiving, his friend had immediately offered to prepare the dinner, so that Justin and the grandmas could spend all their time spoiling Luke and Gus. At first Justin had been against that and had insisted that Emmett would also be a guest and invited, but the tall queen had been incredibly convincing and after far less persuasion than Justin had anticipated, even Brian had agreed to let Emmett cook for Thanksgiving.

The only sad thing was that Daphne had cancelled. She had refused his invitation, telling him in no uncertain terms that she had no interest in playing happy family with Brian and his mother. She had told him that it was his choice if he wanted to do it, but she wouldn't and she wouldn't pretend that everything was fine just for the sake of a happy dinner. At first Justin had been devastated, but in the end he had accepted that he couldn't change her mind. He had talked to her a couple more times since she had declined his invitation and at least the two of them were alright. She might disagree with how he was handling everything and she might not be happy with how easily he had forgiven his family (as if any of it had really been easy on him, he often thought to himself...), but she was still his friend and they wouldn't let their differing opinions change that.

“No, no, everything is still going ahead as planned,” Brian assured in a calm voice.

“Then what is it?”

“I have been thinking,” Brian started and he couldn't help but chuckle at Justin's raised eyebrow. “I know... never a good thing, but...,” Brian took a deep breath, before he continued. “I know that you wanted to tell everyone about the legal guardianship for Gus at Thanksgiving.”

Brian had had the papers drawn by his lawyer to make Justin Gus' legal guardian and about a week after Gus' talk with Justin, Justin had come by Kinnetik with Daphne's father and had signed them with him as a witness. Both he and Brian had agreed to wait for a happy occasion to tell all family together and to give their family some time to get used to the new family dynamics. Especially after that one night where Luke had so obviously been hurt and probably also jealous about Justin now being Gus' father, too. They had wanted to give both boys some time to adjust to the changes and only wanted to inform their family then. In the end they had agreed to tell everyone at Thanksgiving as everyone would be gathered as Britin and that way they would only have to tell everyone once.

“WE wanted to tell everyone,” Justin corrected. “We both agreed.”

“Right, we wanted to tell them, but...,” Brian didn't get any further than that as he was interrupted by Justin.

“But now you don't want to tell them.”

His voice had been calm and Brian was surprised to not detect any anger in it. Then again a calm Justin had always been worse than an angry and yelling Justin. Brian could deal with that. In reply he only nodded at the man across from him.

“Why?” Was the only question from the younger man and Brian knew that it was a justified question. He had thought about the answer for a long time and in the end he only really had one reason and he hoped that Justin would understand.

“I don't want to hurt Debbie.”

“Debbie? Why would she be hurt?” Justin frowned. “She's going to be ecstatic and will hug us all to death.”

Despite the seriousness of the moment, Brian had to chuckle at the image that was now imprinted in his head. He shook his head with a soft smile, before he spoke calmly. “Normally, I would agree, but...during the holiday season... I just don't know.”

“What difference does the holiday season make?”

“Thanksgiving and Christmas are really hard for her.. After everything that went on with Michael and Lindsay... she misses him and JR like crazy any day of the year, but during holiday season I know it's killing her. She's trying to hide it, but it's hurting her to spend the holidays with us and not her son and her granddaughter.”

Justin listened to Brian's explanation and cursed himself for having been an insensitive asshole. He hadn't once thought about how Debbie might be feeling during the weeks leading up to Christmas and he could only imagine how much she had to be suffering. He had known that Michael had been involved in Lindsay's scheme to kidnap Luke, but he had never asked what had happened afterwards. He had only been told that Michael and Lindsay had been sent to prison, that Debbie and Brian had had a big falling out and that after some time Debbie and Brian had reconnected.

“Where is JR?” Justin asked quietly and he felt angry at himself for never having asked that question before. He had known that Brian had been awarded sole custody of Gus, but he had never bothered to ask about Gus' sister. God, he had been so focused on his own life that he hadn't spared her a single thought so far. What did that say about him as a person?

“After the kidnapping, Mel filed for divorce from Lindsay and took JR with her to move back to her family in Florida. She has since broken off all contact with anyone here,” Brian explained in a strained voice.

“Trial?” Justin frowned.

“Lindsay and Michael were charged with kidnapping a minor and it was an ugly trial. Lindsay's delusions about raising my child as theirs was the final straw for Mel, I guess.”

“How did the trial end?” Justin asked and once again cursed himself for only now asking what were really important questions. This concerned his sons and their safety. How could he not have asked this before? Brian had mentioned Lindsay and Michael being in prison before, but how could he have not asked for more details? How could he have been so focused on his sons and himself and nothing else?

“Lindsay was sentenced to 17 years in prison and Michael got 8 years for being an accessory to her plans after he foolishly admitted that he had been aware of what she wanted to do,” Brian spat and Justin could hear the anger and fury in his voice.

“Wow...,” Justin just exclaimed. For some reason he had never really considered what had happened afterwards, but it made sense that there would have been a trial as kidnapping was a serious charge and not something that you could just smile away.

“And after that Mel just left with JR?”

Brian nodded.

“But what about Gus? He's JR's brother? And she's his mother!” Justin exclaimed, but Brian's face said it all. “Jeez! How could she?”

“She thinks she's hurting me by hurting Gus,” the older man explained calmly.

“Hurting you? Why?”

“She blames me for what Lindsay did and thinks I destroyed her family. Then I sued for custody of Gus and got sole custody, so then she also blamed me for taking away her son. After that she wanted revenge and the only way to get back at me is to hurt Gus. She knows very well that's the one thing I can't take.”

“But she's also hurting JR, her own daughter,” Justin exclaimed in outrage.

“JR was only a small toddler. She didn't really understand what was going on and if I know Mel, she probably never mentioned Gus again.”

“That's just cruel! How can she do that to her own daughter? And what about Debbie? Debbie is still JR's grandma, despite what Michael did.”

“After Michael had been sentenced and she was divorced from Lindsey, she became JR's sole custodian, so she could just move her away. There was nothing Debbie could do... It's hurting Debbie terribly and I don't want to hurt her even more by rubbing it in how everything is working out for Gus and Luke.”

“What about Ben?” Justin asked, remembering Michael's husband. “And Hunter?”

“Ben divorced Michael's sorry ass as quickly as he could when shit hit the fan and took Hunter with him when he got a new job as a professor at a university in Washington. He and Hunter come by and visit Debbie and Carl a couple of times a year, but it's painful for all of them.”

Justin nodded, taking in everything Brian had said. They sat in silence for several minutes in which each man hung on to their own thoughts. After what had to at least have been ten minutes of silence, Justin smiled slightly. “We should tell her,” he announced much to Brian's surprise.

“Justin, I will not hurt Debbie any further. She has been suffering enough, I won't rub it in how she has lost everything while Gus and I haven't.” Brian's voice had taken on an angry tone which only seemed to amuse Justin more. Brian's bark had always been worse than his bite and he had never intimidated Justin from the very beginning.

“You're looking at it all wrong, Brian. You're not going to hurt her.”

“Of course I am.”

“No, tell me what is the one thing that matters to Debbie more than anything?”

“Family, which is being my point here, Justin.”

“Exactly, family! And what do you think you and Gus and Luke are? Hell, what am I? We are family and we are the only family she has left besides Carl. Yes, she might hurt terribly because of what Michael and Mel did to her, but... she loves us all and she cares for you like a second son. Same for me and she loves Gus and Luke like they were her own grandsons simply because they're our children. Don't you think this might actually have the reverse effect and might make her happy? Don't you think she might be happy for Gus? And that that happiness might dispel some of the sad feelings she's suffering from over the holidays? I think she will be ecstatic even during the holidays, probably even more so,” Justin argued, his voice sounding absolutely convinced.

“I don't know,” Brian hesitated. He really didn't want to hurt Debbie any further. “We should wait, Justin.”

“No, we should tell her, Brian. Trust me on this. She will want to know! And...,” Justin sighed. “Even if I agreed with you not to tell her, don't you think Luke and Gus will do the job for us? How do you want to get Gus to stop calling me Papa?”

“They don't know about the guardianship,” Brian tried to argue, but knew that it was an invalid argument.

“They don't have to. Just having Gus call me Papa will tell Debbie and my Mom all they need to know. You know how perceptive those two can be.”

“Shit!” Brian angrily exclaimed as he realised that Justin was right and that there was no way Debbie and Jen wouldn't know about Gus and Justin's new relationship by the end of their Thanksgiving dinner.

“It will be fine, Brian,” Justin assured calmly, making his voice as confident as he could.

“It better be,” Brian muttered, before he closed his eyes in defeat.

***

“Papa, can I show Grandma my science test?” Gus asked Justin, as he made his way back into the living-room. The door had just rung thirty seconds ago and Gus and Luke had raced to it to be the ones to open it and let their guests in. Both boys had been beyond excited all day for this family celebration and they had nearly driven Brian and him crazy with their excitement.

“Can't that wait until after dinner, buddy?” Justin sighed, knowing that it couldn't. Gus had been so excited about his A+ on his science test for which he had studied with Brian and he had shown the test to everyone and their mother. Even Emmett had had to take a look earlier when he had arrived to get started on the Thanksgiving dinner.

“No, I want to show her. Pleassssssse, Papa,” Gus pleaded with big, puppy dog eyes.

“Fine! Get it and show it to her and Grandma Jen, but afterwards you'll put it away for the rest of the day, alright?”

“Alright!” Gus exclaimed happily and ran out of the kitchen. Justin sighed as he heard him running up the stairs. In what he knew to be a futile statement anyway, he called after his son.

“No running on the stairs, Gus!”

“I know, Papa!” Yet the boy didn't slow down at all.

Justin shook his head in amusement and then turned back to greet the guests that had just made their way into the room. He hugged Debbie and Carl and gave his mom a kiss on her cheek before he hugged her, too. Ted and Blake had already arrived several minutes ago and Luke had been keeping them busy with an exciting story about his adventures in preschool. As Luke had deserted them for the new guests, they slowly came over to join everyone else in the living-room.

The small group stood together and was laughing. As conversation was flowing, Justin couldn't help but notice his mom frowning at him.

“Mom? Is everything alright?”

“I-yes... Yes,” Jennifer nodded absentmindedly, smiling when Gus stormed back into the room with his science test.

The grandmas ooooh'ed and ahhhh'ed over the test and Gus was proud as could be. After everyone had seen the test and had applauded him for his intelligence, he put the the test onto the dinner table, ready to continue his sketch on the sketchpad that lay on the living-room table.

“Gus, put the test away, please,” Brian asked and Gus immediately obeyed.

Everyone smiled at the boy and congratulated Brian on having such a well-behaved son. “Yeah, Justin and I are pretty lucky with our two boys here,” he chuckled and didn't notice the frown Debbie threw in his direction.

“You and Justin?” she couldn't help but ask and Justin felt a pang when he saw the hopeful look in her eyes.

“Do you see anyone else here raising those two rascals?” Brian asked, his voice a snark, deliberately trying to ignore the hope he saw in his surrogate mom's eyes. He definitely didn't want to go there, not now.

Before Debbie could ask some more, Luke and Gus came running to them. Luke was rubbing his stomach and a loud growl could be heard that made everyone laugh.

“Are you hungry, sonny-boy?” Brian smirked and Luke blushed.

“You are definitely your father's son,” Jennifer chuckled and everyone broke out into laughter when only seconds later Justin's stomach growled, too.

At Luke's confused frown, Justin felt pity on his son and ruffled his hair. “There is nothing wrong with a healthy appetite, buddy. Don't you worry!”

Luke leaned into his Papa's side and sighed happily as his Papa's arms engulfed him. Conversation went on for several more minutes before Emmett announced that the dinner was ready. Everyone took their seat at the large dining-table and before the dinner started, everyone gave thanks for something they were grateful for.

When it was Gus' turn, he looked at his Daddy and then at Justin and smiled from ear to ear. “I am grateful for having a Daddy that loves me and now also having a Papa that loves me. Daddy and Papa are the best and together with Luke, who is the best baby brother ever, I am grateful for my family.”

“Hear,hear,” Carl announced and everyone at the table had glassy eyes at Gus' words. They all knew what the small boy had been through and to see him that happy made them happy too.

Next it was Luke's turn. “I am grateful for Daddy and for Papa and for Gus and all of you, because I love all of you very much. And I am grateful that even though I am sharing my Papa with Gus, I don't have to share my food with him.”

Most people at the table eyed the small boy in slight confusion, but Brian, Justin and Gus laughed heartily. They got the joke and it amused them a lot.

“Don't you worry, sonny-boy. We have enough food to feed an army. No need to share.”

When everyone had given their thanks, everyone thanking the people present for loving them and being there for them, the family enjoyed a lovely Thanksgiving dinner.

Once dinner had been consumed and the boys had left to go and play in their rooms, Brian clinked his spoon against his glass and tried to get the attention of the remaining adults at the table.

“There's something Justin and I would like to tell you. Some of you might already have guessed after listening to the boys all day, but we'd like to tell you ourselves.”

Everyone held their breaths, wondering what Brian and Justin could possibly be talking about. Several minds wondered if they would announce that they were trying at a relationship once more.

Knowing that he had everyone's attention, Justin continued. “You might have noticed that Gus has called me Papa all day,” when several people nodded, Justin went on. “A few weeks ago, we had a conversation and basically I told him that I love him like my son and as if he were my own and thankfully Gus seems to feel the same and he has asked me to be his Papa like I am Luke's Papa,” Justin announced as a tear ran down his cheek. Damn, he was too emotional for announcements like that.

When everyone started to awwwww and comment, Brian shut them up with a wave of his hand. “That's not all. After Gus made his wishes clear that he wants Justin to be his father, too, we made that legal. I don't want Gus to ever doubt who his parents are and who love him and Justin and I have filed papers to make Justin Gus' legal guardian. That way, if something were to happen to me, Gus and Luke would be staying together with Justin.”

There was silence at the table for several seconds and Justin wondered if that was a good thing or a bad thing, when Debbie was the first to speak a few seconds later, he realised that everyone had waited for her reaction. He could see all eyes on her. Apparently Brian hadn't been the only one wondering how she would take the news.

“About damn time, Sunshine. You've always been more of a parent to that boy than his good for nothing mothers. Especially these last few months. It's obvious to everyone with eyes in their heads how much that boy loves you and how much you love him. Thanks for giving my grandson a second parent, Sunshine,” Debbie smiled through her tears, then got up and made her way over to Justin's place. She hugged him tight and placed several kisses on his cheek. “You are a good man, Sunshine.”

After she had let go of Justin, Debbie turned around and pointed at Brian. “You too, asshole.”

Brian smiled at her, knowing that the asshole hadn't been meant as an offense, but more like an endearment. Debbie loved him and he loved her and like Justin was her Sunshine, he was her asshole. Yet everytime she called him that, she used the term with so much affection that it didn't sound negative at all.

After Debbie had given her blessing so to speak, the rest of the family also congratulated Brian and Justin on the news. Emmett produced a bottle of Champagne from god knew where and everyone clinked their glasses in happiness and they had a toast to the two fathers of the two happy boys living in this house.

Chapter 25

After they had made it through Thanksgiving, the Kinney-Taylor family happily moved forward towards Christmas. Christmas season was traditionally the busiest time of the year for Brian as many companies had Christmas advertising and he had to make sure that all the campaigns were running smoothly and that the clients were happy with the outcome. At the same time they had to present the new spring campaigns and get ready for Superbowl commercials as well. Due to Christmas time being really busy, Brian had to spent more time at Kinnetik and couldn't work from home as much as he was used to and he also had to go on two business trips, one to New York, one to Chicago.

Unlike the last time, the boys didn't stay with their grandmas as this time they had their Papa at home with them. As Justin didn't want the grandmas to feel left out, he invited Debbie and his mother to stay with him and the boys at Britin for the duration of Brian's second business trip. Both grandmas readily agreed and a lot of fun was had by everyone while Justin got a chance to further work on his relationships with his mother and Debbie.

The boys and Justin spent a lot of money and energy on decorating the house and making it a winter wonderland. Brian groused and pretended to hate every second of it, but deep down Justin had a feeling that Brian actually liked the way he and the boys had made the home more christmas-y. With the help of their grandmas they baked tons of Christmas cookies and had a lot of fun eating them with hot chocolate after they had been done.

When the boys had gone to bed, Justin and his mom and Debbie spent comfortable evenings in front of the fire with cups of mulled wine, just sharing Christmas memories. Justin loved to hear the stories his mom and Debbie would share about Christmas the previous years and how excited Luke and Gus would get in the run up to Christmas. He loved to hear all he could about his two sons and his favourite holiday of the year, but hadn't dared to ask Brian too much. Every time he brought up previous Christmases, Brian had gotten tight-lipped and had refused to tell him much. Justin had been frustrated by that, but he had known Brian long enough to know that there had to be a reason. After much thinking, he had come to the conclusion that Brian didn't share these kind of stories with him because he still felt guilty about Justin not having been with them for previous Christmases and it almost seemed as if Brian was pretending they had never happened. Justin was hurt by that as he longed for stories about his sons, but on the other hand he could kind of understand where Brian was coming from. He hoped that one day they would truly be able to move on from what had happened, but it was probably still too soon and the memories too fresh at this time.

Justin took a sip of his mulled wine and looked at Debbie. He had been really curious about the events of the last five years and had wanted to ask her for several days now about all that had transpired in her life in his absence, but he didn't dare to. Much like Brian he didn't want to hurt her anymore than she had already been hurt and there was always his mom. He could just ask her when Debbie wasn't present. The two women were pretty much inseparable now and best friends and he was sure that his mom knew exactly what had happened in the past years. No need to open old wounds with Debbie.

“Get it out, Sunshine. You're only hurting your pretty head,” his surrogate mother said, startling him out of his thoughts.

“What?”

“You've been looking at me strangely for the last two days now. Judging by the stolen looks that you're throwing my way, I guess there's something you're curious about. So ask me, before you hurt your pretty head any further.”

“No, it's okay,” Justin smiled, taking another sip of his mulled wine.

“Sunshine, you don't fool me. Get it out now or I will kick your ass until you can't use it anymore for your favourite activity,” the red-headed woman announced in her typical brass way.

Justin chuckled and Jennifer blushed as she exclaimed “Debbie!”.

“What, Jen? He's an adult, he's been using that ass for fun since he's met Brian. Don't become all prudish now.”

“I am not prudish,” Jen defended herself and Justin had to agree that his mom had really come a long way from the woman she had been when he had first met Brian. She had heard so much about their sex life by now, he wasn't sure anything could still shock her. She had even caught them in the act back in the day much to Justin's embarrassment. “But he's still my baby and there are things a mother doesn't need to know.”

“Fine,” Debbie relented with a snort. “But you know I am right.” She then turned back to Justin and eyed him. “What do you want to know?”

“Nothing, Deb. Really, it's fine,” he tried once more, but once again the red-head didn't believe him.

“Bullshit, Sunshine. I am not as stupid as you might think I am. I might not be book smart like you and Brian, but I know people and I know you. Why don't you just ask me about Michael, so we can get this over with?”

Justin's eyes widened and he blushed, feeling caught when Debbie had so easily guessed what he wanted to know.

“Debbie, it's fine,” Justin tried again, this time in a gentle, comforting voice. “It's not my business and this is not the right time.”

“Of course it's your fucking business, all this mess was about your son and it's never the right time for this kind of conversation, so let's just get it over with, alright?” Debbie's voice had almost taken on a pleading tone and in the end Justin only nodded. He watched as his mother moved closer to Debbie and took her hand in hers in a gesture of silent support.

“Debbie, you don't have to do this.”

“Yes, I do. So fucking stop complaining and let us do this, alright?”

In the end Justin just sighed and nodded. There was no point in going against Debbie if she had her mind set to something.

“You know how Michael always had problems with you and your relationship with Brian. He never really understood the person that Brian really was and always blamed you for turning him into something he never wanted to be. He didn't understand that you only showed Brian that it was okay to be himself and that you showed him what was there hidden under his hardened self, but Michael was never smart enough to see the real Brian. He just saw his hero, the person he had worshipped since school and nothing else. He never grew up from that hero worship,” Debbie sighed.

Justin could only nod at her, knowing that she was right, yet feeling quite surprised that she was saying all these things. Usually she would have been the first to defend her wayward son and attack Brian. He wondered what had made Debbie change her tune.

“Once you had moved to New York, he had this fantasy in his head that Brian would become the Stud of Liberty Avenue once more and would go back to his old ways now that you were out of the picture. He never really understood how much you loved each other and that those feelings were real for Brian as well and not just you. He got Brian to rebuild Babylon and for the first few weeks after it's grand reopening, Michael and Brian would go to Babylon regularly. Brian mostly went to check on his newest business venture, but Michael never understood that. When Brian was in his office going over numbers, Michael just assumed he was in the backroom being back to his old self. Being at Babylon so much with Brian put a strain on Michael's relationship with Ben, but he didn't really care. His old Brian was back and that was all that mattered,” Debbie sighed.

Justin eyed her closely and saw all the pain she had to be feeling in her expressive eyes.

“Imagine how he reacted when he found out about Brian's pregnancy. He pretty much lost it and I think that was exactly what Brian had expected which is probably why he tried to keep it from Michael for as long as he could. Michael urged Brian to get rid of the baby.”

At this point Justin gasped in pure and utter shock. How could Michael do that? He had to have known the stories about Brian's mother wanting to get rid of Brian, but not having an abortion because of her faith. How could he say something like that to Brian?

“After that Brian pretty much broke away from Michael and their friendship took a turn for the worse. Michael couldn't understand that Brian, even though he might not have planned it and might not have wanted it to happen that way, was really happy about the pregnancy and having your kid. Brian was ecstatic and Michael chose to ignore that. Instead he went around sprouting shit about how you had punctured the condom to leave Brian with a little farewell present that would secure your place in his life for all eternity.”

At Justin's outraged cry, Debbie stopped. “What? I-I didn't even know Brian could have children. We never talked about that.”

“We know, Justin,” his mother tried to calm him. “Brian explained that to Michael several times...”

“But he didn't want to hear it. He had made up his mind about how Brian had gotten pregnant and how it was all your fault and that was the word he lived by. Of course it didn't help that Lindsay agreed with him.”

“Of course,” Justin only replied in pure sarcasm. Why wasn't he surprised?

“So Brian moved out to Britin, not only to avoid you, but also to avoid Michael and for the most part it seemed to work. Only a handful of people knew where Brian was and Michael wasn't one of them which he somehow blamed on you as well.”

“I didn't even know about Brian being pregnant, how could that be my fault?”

Debbie shrugged. “It didn't make sense to anyone but him. After Brian had Luke, for some reason he tried to reconcile with Michael. I guess he must have missed him or something and they met. He even introduced Michael to Luke, but Michael acted like Brian didn't have a son and just urged him to join him at Babylon and Woody's, not really understanding that Brian's life had changed. After it was obvious to Brian that they had drifted apart, he kept contact with Michael at a minimum. He had enough on his plate with a newborn and when Lindsay and Michael sicked child services on him, there was no place for Michael in his life anymore. Then one day Lindsay went to Britin and talked to Brian and urged him to meet and to talk Michael. She said he wanted to apologise. So Brian agreed to that meeting, not knowing that Michael and Lindsay had come up with their sick plan to take Luke away from him. Poor Brian was so distraught...I've only ever seen him like that when...,” Debbie suddenly stopped, not sure how to continue. She eyed Justin from wary eyes.

“When what?” Justin frowned, even though he had an idea where this was going.

“When you were in the coma after your prom,” his mother supplied quietly.

Justin nodded, somehow having known that had to be it. He could only imagine how Brian had to have felt thinking that his baby had been taken away from him and to know that Brian had felt the same about him at one time, warmed his heart.

“After Lindsay was arrested, Brian confronted Michael and asked him if he had been in on Lindsay's plan. After all it seemed weird that Michael would want a meeting with Brian on the very day Lindsay had booked a flight for herself and Luke to Toronto and would later show up at the airport to say that she was the child's mother. The idiot that he is, Michael didn't even deny it and they arrested him just a day after Lindsay.”

Debbie finished for a minute and dabbed at her teary eyes with a handkerchief that Jennifer had handed her. Even after all this time the truth of what Michael had done hurt and pained her.

Justin had to agree, that sounded like really idiotic behaviour. Even a fool like Michael had to have known that he would be considered an accessory to a crime. Apparently not, Justin mused.

“But... Emmett said that you and Brian had a falling out too and that it took you quite some time to make up again,” Justin said after several minutes of silence where he and his mom gave Debbie some time to compose herself.

“Look, Sunshine, I am not proud of it, but... what can I say? Michael is my son and...”

“You wanted to be on his side and wanted to support him,” Justin said quietly.

“I... yes,” Debbie admitted in the end. “I thought that somehow this must have been Brian's fault. Michael wouldn't have done something like that because I couldn't see him for the vindictive, selfish bastard that he was. I... I only saw the good in him and how much he loved Brian, but I couldn't see how that love had turned him blind to common sense.”

“But why did you make up with Brian?” Justin asked the one question that was still burning on his mind.

“Between Michael's continued attempts to get me to take Luke away from Brian and Carl's insistence that Michael was not as innocent as I'd have liked him to be, I truly started to see things for what they were. I saw what Michael had turned into and saw how unfair I had been towards Brian. So... after a final visit to Michael, I started to make amends with Brian. I had already lost my son and my granddaughter and I wouldn't have risked losing Brian or my grandsons for anything in the world.”

“You're not talking to Michael anymore?” Justin asked silently, wondering if he had understood Debbie correctly when she had mentioned a last visit to Michael.

Debbie just shook her head, before she was overcome by tears. Justin watched as his mother hugged the red-headed woman close and comforted her quietly. He gave them both the time they needed and went over to the bar cart to get them all a shot of something stronger than mulled wine. He felt like they all needed it.

When he returned to his seat, his mother and Debbie smiled at him gratefully. “Thanks, Sunshine.”

After a few more minutes of silence, Debbie continued with her sad tale. “After the trial, I would go and visit Michael as often as I could, but he had changed. He was lashing out and thought I hadn't done enough to keep him out of prison. I am not really sure what he expected me to do in light of the severity of what he had done, but he would only ever complain to me that I hadn't been there for him and hadn't helped him when he had needed me. Once that tirade was over, he would go on and on about how I needed to make sure that Luke was taken away from Brian, so Brian could live the life he had always wanted and could be the Stud of Liberty Avenue. When I tried to explain to Michael that I would do no such thing and that Brian was a loving, dedicated father, he threw me out and told me that I had died for him and that I was no longer his mother, that obviously I was loving Brian more than I loved him and if that was the case, he never wanted to see me again. After that he has always refused to see me and he's not answering to any letters I sent him.”

New tears ran down Debbie's cheek and Justin moved over to her other side, sitting down next to her. He threw his arms around the woman that had loved him like a second mom when his mom had had trouble doing so and who had been there for so many lost boys on Liberty Avenue. She was truly the angel of Liberty Avenue, a woman with a heart as big as could be and Justin felt for her, imagining the pain Michael's words must have caused her. Yes, she had her faults too, like any other person and Justin knew most of them better than anyone else, but still he felt bad for her.

“It's his loss, Debbie,” Justin whispered as he hugged Debbie. “You are too good for him. He doesn't deserve a loving mother like you. I am glad you decided to be Brian's mom instead and to be a grandmother to our kids.” He kissed her cheek and smiled at her.

“You have to thank Carl for that,” Debbie chuckled through her tears. At Justin's confused face she went on explaining. “That big oaf saw how I was hurting and how I was pulling into myself more and more, missing shifts at the diner, not being all there when I was physically there, but not mentally and he urged me to seek out Brian and apologise to him. He reminded me of how much Brian loved me and how I wasn't only Michael's mother, but his mother as well and how he needed a mom too. Brian had been hurt too. He had been betrayed by his best friends and he didn't have anyone on his side. Well, of course he had Teddy and Cynthia and your mom, but you know?” Debbie asked and Justin knew what she meant. Brian hadn't had the people that had mattered most to him. His best friends had betrayed him, Justin had been in New York, if not by his own choice and Debbie, whom Brian had always loved like a mother had sided with the one person who had hurt him. Justin could only imagine how alone Brian must have felt. He had felt pretty much the same just a few short months ago when he had found out about how everyone had betrayed him.

“It took some time, you know how he doesn't trust easily, but in the end he accepted that I meant what I was telling him and he accepted me back into his life. And I've never been so glad about anything before. Having him and Luke and Gus has helped me more than anything. Their happiness has given me happiness and strength to make it through the dark days,” Debbie ended and Justin could only nod at her. He knew of the power that his family had, he had experienced it firsthand when he had thought that he would never have been able to make it through the pain that Brian had caused him by keeping his son a secret, but now, after having spent time with his sons and Brian and seeing how happy his children were, their happiness had helped him move on from his pain as well and much like Debbie, their happiness helped him through bad moments that still occurred occasionally. They were what had given him the strength to move on from Brian's betrayal and to start a new chapter of his life with his family by his side.

Chapter 26

“Papa, Papa, Santa was here!”

Justin groaned as he heard a way too excited voice make its way over to his bed and when the bed dipped under the weight of his son, he sighed, knowing that there would be no more sleep for him that morning.

Luke and Gus had nearly driven him and Brian crazy these last two days. The closer Christmas had gotten, the more excited the boys had been about all the presents they would hopefully get and getting them into bed last night had been a true feat. At one point Brian had even threatened to Luke that he would stay up all night and would wait for Santa to arrive and once Santa had arrived at their home, he would tell him to take all the presents for the young boy as he had been misbehaving and had refused to go to bed. That had caused Luke to burst into tears which had only made it harder for Justin and Brian to get him to sleep. When both boys had finally settled down and the adults were sure that they were far away in their dreams, the men had gotten the presents out of the attic over the garage and had gathered them around the Christmas tree located in the main hall of Britin. It had been nearly 1.30 am by the time they had been finished and had made it to bed.

“What time is it?” Justin dared to ask, not yet ready or able to open his eyes and look at the alarm clock on his bedside table.

“It's time for Christmas presents! Santa was here,” Luke enthused, not the least bit deterred by his father's obvious lack of excitement.

Not really expecting an answer from his overexcited son anyway, Justin forced himself to open his eyes and groaned when he saw that it was barely past 6am.

“Luke, remember what your Daddy said yesterday?”

“Daddy was mean yesterday. I tried to ignore him,” Luke pointed out and crossed his arms in a way that reminded Justin so much of Brian that he couldn't help but laugh.

“He wasn't mean. You were driving him crazy,” Justin replied quietly, leaving out the part where his son had driven him crazy, too.

“Was not,” Luke harrumphed and settled down on his butt, crossing his legs, looking at his Papa who didn't seem willing to get up anytime soon.

“Yes, you were. And what did he say about presents? When are we going to open them?”

“Before breakfast,” Luke grumbled, knowing that breakfast was still some time away.

“And when are we going to have breakfast? Do you remember what Daddy and I said?”

“Not before 9am,” Luke said dejectedly, slowly realising that he wasn't getting anywhere with his Papa anytime soon.

“And what time is it now?” Justin beckoned his son over and hugged him close, looking at the alarm-clock with him. Luke had wanted to learn how to read the time several weeks back and ever since Brian and Justin had practised with him and he had gotten really good at it and was really proud of already being able to read the time.

Luke looked at the alarm-clock in deep concentration and after several seconds said. “6.12am.”

“Is that anywhere close to 9am?” Justin asked and chuckled at the glare his son threw him, probably for being a spoilsport on Christmas.

“No,” Luke mumbled. “But I want my presents.” The small boy tried again as he snuggled closer to his Papa's body under his blanket.

“I know you do and you will get them. Nobody is going to take them away. But we decided that we'll open them all together before breakfast. Just imagine how sad Gus and Daddy will be if you already start without them,” Justin pointed out.

“You deciced on 9am,” Luke retorted, making it clear that he was not happy with the time.

“And you and Gus agreed,” Justin chuckled, running his hand through his stubborn son's hair.

“Because Daddy said we wouldn't get any presents at all if we didn't,” Luke reminded his Papa, wondering if he had really forgotten about that mean threat.

Justin burst out laughing when he remembered the outraged expressions on his sons faces at Brian's threat. What the boys hadn't known, but Justin had, was that Brian would have never been able to go through with it. Brian Kinney would not have his children have a Christmas where they didn't get the best of the best and more presents than any kid could hope for. Luke and Gus hadn't known that however and Brian's threat had really worked wonders on the boys. They had immediately stopped their complaints and had agreed that 9am sounded like a beautiful time for a Christmas breakfast.

“Your Daddy drives a hard bargain,” Justin winked and pulled the small boy closer, so he could kiss his forehead. “Be that as it may, we all agreed on 9am, so 9am it is. Why don't you try to get a bit more sleep before we get up and get down to unwrap the presents?”

“I am not tired, I am too excited. Do you think Santa got me the new bike I want?”

“I don't know, I didn't see him and didn't get to talk to him, buddy.”

“Too bad,” Luke mumbled, looking up at his father from clearly tired eyes that betrayed his earlier claim of not being tired as the lie that it had been.

“Yeah, too bad. I guess we'll find out together when we get up in two hours. And not earlier,” Justin reminded his son, who now was clearly fighting sleep again, which made Justin smile. He looked down at Luke with love and affection and was once again amazed how much he loved this small kid. His son. He had only known about him for about three and a half months, yet he could already say without a doubt that he loved him more than anything in his life and would until he took his last breath on this planet. The small boy had immediately made Justin fall in love with him from the first moment he had sat eyes upon him, standing next to Brian in the doorway to Britin that fateful day where he had found out about his existence and now, barely three months later Justin couldn't imagine a life without him. All his life resolved around Luke and Gus now and their happiness had become his utmost goal in life. He didn't care about his own goals that much anymore and his career had taken a definite backseat in his life these last three months, but he didn't mind one bit. Just being around Luke and Gus fulfilled him more than any career ever could.

With the thought of how much he was looking forward to sharing this special day with his sons, Justin drifted back off to sleep as well. His son securely tucked away in his arms by his side.

That's how Brian found them nearly three hours later. He had knocked on Justin's door several times, but Justin hadn't reacted. Brian had wondered if maybe he was taking a shower in his ensuite bathroom and had slowly opened the door to let him know that Gus was eagerly waiting for him and Luke to make an appearance at the Christmas tree. Brian had been surprised that Luke hadn't been up at the crack of dawn as he usually was on Christmas day, but when he had found the boy's room empty, he had had a sneaking suspicion where he might find the boy and once he had opened Justin's door, his suspicions had been confirmed.

He found his two favourite blonds cuddled together in Justin's bed. Justin's arms around the young boy, holding him securely in place and protecting him from whatever bad might be out to hunt him. Both blonds were wearing content smiles as they slept. Brian stood in the doorway for several minutes just watching them and his heart warmed at the scene. Just as he had always suspected, Justin was a great father to their son. Both their sons really. Justin had taken to Luke and Gus like Brian had always known he would and he didn't differentiate between the boys. It didn't matter that Gus wasn't Justin's biological son, but Luke was, Justin loved them both equally with all his heart. From day one Justin had taken to his new role as father and had even surpassed Brian's expectations and if he was honest with himself, Brian had always known Justin would make a great father. He had always been the nurturing, loving kind of human being that loved without boundaries and loved whoever was in need of love. Justin didn't love because he had to love, for example family, Justin loved because he wanted to and when he deemed that someone deserved his love, Justin loved with all his heart. He held nothing back and gave everything for people he loved.

Brian had always been impressed by Justin's ability to love, though back in the days it had mostly been because Justin had been able to love him. For five years Justin had loved him unconditionally, too, had loved him with all his heart and had believed in his ability to love him back just like that. Nobody had ever loved him like Justin had and even though he had been a true asshole to him in the beginning, the blond, persistent kid had continued to love him, because he had seen something in Brian that he had deemed lovable and deserving of his love. For the longest time Brian had fought against Justin's love, had pushed him away, had been mean to him beyond measures, but Justin had taken it all in stride and had just continued loving him.

Looking at his son and his father and the obvious love between them, Brian also felt his heart break. He had been the one who had kept these two apart for five years. He had been the one who was at fault for those two only finding their love now and not being able to find it earlier. Yes, Luke had always been a happy child, Brian had made sure of that, but seeing him with Justin now and knowing how much he adored his Papa, Brian couldn't help but wonder how much happier his son could have been if only he hadn't had his head up his ass and hadn't been a total shit about Justin knowing about his son. There was only one person to blame for the two people now lying in that bed not having been as happy as they could have been and that person was him. Seeing them now, that weighed on Brian's heart more than he cared to admit.

As a silent tear ran down his cheek, Brian angrily wiped it away. He had made a decision years ago and now he had to live with the consequences. No if's or but's would change anything now. Things were as they were because of what he had done and that would be something he always would have to live with.

Brian silently began to make his way away from the door, deciding to give Justin and Luke some more time together, when he heard Justin's quiet voice speak out to him in what could only be considered confusion.

“Brian?”

“Hey, I-I... was just wondering if you were already up. Gus is waiting by the Christmas tree and I am not sure how much longer I can keep him from opening his presents,” Brian mumbled, before he moved away from the doorway.

He had seen the frown on Justin's face and had seen the concerned look it had turned into and he knew without a doubt that Justin had to have seen something that Brian had rather not wanted him to see. So he made a hasty retreat and returned to Gus' side by the Christmas tree.

“Are they coming?” Gus asked impatiently, eyeing the huge pile of presents with wide eyes.

“Yes, they'll be down shortly,” Brian mumbled, before he joined his son and looked at the tree and all the presents there, trying to get rid of his sad thoughts. It was Christmas day and he wanted this Christmas day to be as special as it could be, after all it was their first Christmas together as a family.

About ten minutes later Justin and Luke made their way down the staircase and met the other two occupants of Britin with a cheery “Merry Christmas!”.

Brian saw the look Justin was giving him and damn him, he could see concern in the younger man's eyes. For some reason it made him angry to know that after everything Justin still seemed to be concerned about him and Brian did what he did best under such circumstances. He avoided Justin's gaze and chose to direct whatever topic might have come up to secure waters by picking up Luke and hugging his younger son close. He pasted on his best smile as he tickled his younger son.

“And at what ungodly hour did you wake your Papa this morning?”

The small boy squirmed in his arms and was laughing hysterically. As he was laughing so much, there was no answer to be gotten from Luke, therefore Justin supplied it. “6am.”

“Well, that's a clear improvement from last year's 4.30am. I am impressed, sonny boy. Maybe next year you can actually make it to 7am,” Brian winked before he let his son down, who glared at him and exclaimed “Daddy!” in an exasperated voice. The smile on his face betrayed his real feelings however and the whole family laughed as they moved closer to the Christmas tree.

“Well, I guess we should start, otherwise we might be busy until lunch,” Justin joked, looking at the huge amount of presents and he chuckled as both Gus and Luke eagerly started unwrapping their first presents.

Several presents later and after many oooooh's and aahhhhhh's about their new toys and presents, both boys turned to their fathers with blinding smiles. “Your turn now.”

Brian and Justin chuckled at the generosity of their sons and made their way over to the tree. They waded through a mess of wrapping paper and name tags and made it to the presents that said “Papa” and “Daddy”.

“You go first,” Brian said, still not looking at Justin. Justin frowned at Brian avoiding his eyes, but didn't want to discuss this on Christmas morning. Whatever was bothering Brian wasn't his problem and he sure as hell wouldn't let it ruin his first Christmas with his sons.

Justin sat down in between his presents and smiled as he unwrapped one after the other. He had gotten a sketch from Gus where Gus had tried to draw Justin and for a ten year old, it was a really great likeness of Justin. Justin was impressed and urged Gus to come over, to give the boy a hug and a kiss. He then unwrapped his present from Luke, who had made him a cup which he had painted with a lovely scene of flowers and rainbows.

“It's for your pencils and brushes,” the young boy explained as his father unwrapped the self-made cup.

“It's beautiful. I love it.”

He then gave his second son a hug and a kiss as well and frowned when there was one more present under the tree. He looked up at Brian with confusion in his eyes. “Brian?”

“Just unwrap it,” the older man urged, still refusing to meet Justin's gaze.

Justin slowly unwrapped the present in his hand and gasped when he unpacked a selection of the most expensive colours and oils you could get in any art supply store. “Brian? You shouldn't have,” Justin gasped, quite able to estimate how much the selection Brian had gotten him must have cost him.

“Only the best for the artist extraordinaire,” Brian replied, before he was urged by Gus and Luke to turn to his own pile of presents.

Just like Justin, Brian had also gotten a sketch of himself from Gus and had gotten a cup to hold his pencils which was painted with a beach scene from Luke for his pencils in his office. “You can use it in your office here or at Kinnetik,” the young boy helpfully supplied.

“That's good to know. It's really beautiful and I might actually have to take it with me in my briefcase, so I'll have it with me every day, no matter if I work from here or from Kinnetik.”

The possibility of his father actually carrying his pencil cup with him every day wherever he went, brought a huge sunshine smile to Luke's face and Brian and Justin were once more reminded why Debbie called him “Baby Sunshine”.

As Brian was about to get up and wanted to start collecting all the wrapping paper, so he could throw it away, Justin started speaking. “There's actually one more present, Brian. It's from Luke, Gus and me and you'll actually have to come to my studio for it.”

Brian looked up in confusion, but followed the other three as they made their way up to Justin's studio. Luke and Gus were bouncing with excitement and Brian could only wonder why.

As they made it up the stairs and down the hallway, Justin stopped in front of the door to his studio. “This is actually a true Kinney-Taylor original as Gus, Luke and I worked on this together. It's a real family project and we hope you'll like it as such.”

With that Justin nodded at a smiling Gus, who opened the door to the studio, allowing Brian to enter it. Brian made his way through the doorway and stopped in his tracks. On an easel in the middle of the room, facing the door was a painting unlike anything he had ever seen before. It showed him, Gus and Luke as well as Justin having dinner together. They were all laughing, had smiles and happy expressions and looking at the painting Brian felt an overflowing sense of love in it. What he saw in that painting was a happy family that loved each other. He knew that even though Luke and Gus might have helped, the hard work on the painting had been done by Justin. Brian had always known how talented Justin was, but this painting was just breathtaking. Brian had never felt such emotion before when looking at a piece of art. The love that was reflected in that painting just spoke to him and touched him and Brian couldn't help but stagger at the impact the painting had on him.

“Do you like it, Daddy?” Luke asked in a tiny voice, watching his father closely who had silently been staring at the painting for what seemed like an eternity now.

“It's beautiful,” Brian whispered, looking down at his son with a smile on his face.

“I like it, too.”

“It was our idea and we helped Papa with it every time you were away on business. We could only work on it then, so you wouldn't know what we were doing,” Gus explained as he walked closer to his Daddy and the painting as well.

Once both his boys were close enough, Brian pulled them close and hugged them as if his life depended on it. “It's beautiful, absolutely stunning. I really love it,” he assured both boys as he kissed their foreheads.

Luke and Gus smiled from ear to ear and basked in their father's praise. After looking at the painting for several more minutes, they left the studio and Brian was surprised when he couldn't find Justin anywhere. Justin had to have left as they were enjoying the painting together and Brian wondered why. As he made his way downstairs with Luke and Gus, he found Justin in the kitchen, already preparing breakfast for all of them.

“I figured I should get an early start on breakfast and give you some time to enjoy your present,” Justin explained when Brian asked him where he had disappeared to. Once again Justin couldn't help but notice that Brian was avoiding looking at him. Something was up and Justin wondered what it could be, but he would be damned if he asked in front of Luke and Gus.

“Did you like the present?” He asked as he was busily making pancakes for the whole family.

“Daddy said it's beautiful,” Luke supplied when his father stayed quiet. “Didn't you?”

Brian just smiled at his son and agreed. Justin frowned when he saw that the smile never reached Brian's eyes and had only been plastered on for his son.

During the course of the day Justin's feeling that something was mightily off only increased. The whole time the family spent together, Brian seemed awfully distracted. When Debbie, Jennifer, Emmett, Drew, Ted and Blake came over for Christmas dinner, Brian was so uncharacteristically quiet that even Emmett took Justin aside at one point and asked him if everything was alright with Brian. Brian smiled and laughed when it was required and he answered when he was directly spoken to, but that was it.

Fortunately, neither Luke nor Gus noticed that anything was amiss, but all the adults threw concerned looks in Brian's direction and when Brian avoided them, those looks turned towards Justin, hoping to find answers there.

Justin could only shrug helplessly as he had no idea what was going on. After breakfast, when he had cleaned up the kitchen and Luke and Gus had disappeared to play with their new toys, he had tried to confront Brian, but Brian had just brushed him off with an “I am just peachy”. Justin knew that was a lie, but he also knew better than to push Brian. If Brian didn't want to tell him what was going on, pressuring him would only make whatever it was worse. Therefore Justin decided to leave Brian alone and give him some time to work through whatever was bothering him.

Chapter 27

“What are you doing hiding in here? Why aren't you downstairs celebrating Christmas with your family?” Debbie admonished Brian, as she found him hiding away in Justin's studio.

“Just leave me alone,” Brian groused, not even looking up at the woman who had become his mother over the years.

“What's going on, honey?” Debbie asked in concern as she saw Brian's dejected form. His shoulders were sunken in, his head hung low as he sat cross-legged in the middle of the floor of Justin's studio.

“Nothing. Everything's just peachy. Go down and celebrate Christmas with your grandsons,” Brian urged her, still not looking up. He was just hoping and praying that she would disappear and would leave him alone to wail in his misery. But no such luck. Not with Debbie. He sighed as Debbie continued speaking with him.

“Cut the bullshit, Brian. What's having your panties in a twist?” She asked as she flopped down next to him. She was reminded of a day years ago where they had sat down in similar positions on the floor of Brian's loft, but back then they had smoked a joint together. “You're not going to bring out the weed now, are you?” She asked carefully.

Brian couldn't help but snort despite himself, thinking back to that day so long ago. “No, don't worry, Ma. I am a respectable family man now.”

“That you are and I am damn proud of you,” Debbie said seriously as she rubbed his thigh in comfort.

“Nothing to be proud of,” Brian only muttered, still not looking at Debbie.

“Of course! Stop putting yourself down, Brian. You are one of the most successful business men on the east coast. You came from nothing and worked hard to built your multi-million dollar empire. Look at this fucking mansion. That must have cost a pretty penny and you were able to buy it in your thirties. You have two beautiful sons who love you more than anything and who are loving, well-raised creatures. What is there not to be proud of?”

Brian just nodded at the painting that stood in front of them and Debbie gasped when she saw what was depicted on it. She immediately felt the love pouring from the painting into her.

“It's beautiful,” she gasped. She studied the painting for several more minutes and Brian just sat next to her in silence. She felt like she knew what had Brian in this mood. “It's the painting, isn't it?”

Brian just shrugged in reply and added after several minutes. “Not only, it's a mix of things.”

“Tell me,” she urged, looking at him from concerned eyes.

“He shouldn't have done that,” Brian just said as if that would explain everything.

“Why not? It's beautiful, Brian. It captured you all so well and there is so much love in this painting. It's almost as if he poured all his heart and his love into this.”

“He shouldn't have,” Brian only repeated, as he slowly got up and walked closer to the painting, studying the expressions on the faces of the people in the painting.

“You're losing me here, big guy,” Debbie admitted, watching Brian in confusion. She couldn't understand what was so wrong about Justin painting their family. Justin had often painted people and events from his life, he had always painted people and things that meant a lot to him. To her this was no different.

“Come here,” Brian urged her and guided her to the painting after she had gotten up. He guided her to stand in front of what was Justin and made her look at his expression. “What do you see in his face?”

Debbie frowned, but played along, hoping that Brian would explain what he was on about. “Happiness, love and contentment. Why? Brian, I really don't know what you're on about.”

Brian just sighed and turned away from Debbie and the painting. He paced in the studio for several minutes, until Debbie stopped him.

“Obviously I am missing something here. Explain it to me,” she pleaded with the man opposite her.

When Brian stayed silent, she tried another route. “Do you see something different?”

“No,” Brian replied quietly.

“Then I don't see the problem. What's so wrong with love, happiness and contentment?”

“What's wrong with them? They shouldn't be there on his face! He shouldn't be feeling them,” Brian exclaimed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Brian Kinney, I know you and Justin are having problems, but you not wanting him to be happy is totally uncalled for,” Debbie erupted, being in her surrogate son's face the second he had finished his statement. “I never would have expected you to be that spiteful.”

Brian just laughed at Debbie's reaction and then looked at her from pained eyes. “I want him to be all those things. Damn, what do you think of me? I am the last person who would want him to be anything but.”

“Then why is it such a problem for you that it's there? That he painted it?”

“Because he shouldn't be feeling those things with me in the picture,” Brian gritted out what was the problem and Debbie's heart broke for her surrogate son.

“What should he be feeling according to you?”

“He should be angry at me, he should be hurt, he should hate me,” Brian whispered before he sank down on the floor in a heap. Debbie rushed to his side and held the now crying man in her arms. She held him as he cried for what felt to be all the pain he had gone through for the last five years. When he quieted down after several minutes, she looked at his face and looked straight into his eyes.

“Brian, he loves these boys. Just look at him, he's happier than I've ever seen him when he's with Luke and Gus. Why would he feel anything but love for them?”

“Not for them,” Brian mumbled as he angrily wiped away his tears, cursing himself for his outburst.

“Okay, humour me. Why would he feel anything else for you?” Debbie asked, feeling like they were finally getting to the bottom of things.

“Because I hurt him and betrayed him,” Brian said dejectedly.

“And he forgave you,” Debbie whispered, knowing that it was the truth. She had watched Justin closely in recent weeks and she had seen the change in him from the angry man he had been when he had first come back to Pittsburgh and had found out about Luke's existence. From the angry man that had kicked her out of his house when she had come over the first time. That angry man had been gone for weeks now and had been replaced by a happy, content man who enjoyed his family and loved every minute he was able to spend with his sons.

“He shouldn't have, not after what I have done.”

“Why not?” Debbie asked gently.

“Because it's unforgivable.”

“Obviously not to him. He obviously thought it was something he could forgive and he did. He's happy, Brian and he's content being a father to Luke and Gus. Why would he hate you? Without you he wouldn't have the chance to be a father to these two boys he loves so much. You gave that to him, why would he hate you for that?”

“Because I also kept it away from him for five years,” Brian pointed out as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“So you have and it was a mistake and it was obviously a mistake he thought was worth forgiving. Brian, he has moved on from that and he's happy now. Whatever happened between you two in the past is just that. The past. We can't change it anymore and there's absolutely nothing we can do about any of what happened five years ago. He has accepted that and is now making the best of the situation by living in the here and now and enjoying it for all it's worth. You need to do the same. You need to let the past be the past, Brian. It's time to move on,” Debbie gently urged, hugging her surrogate son close.

“How?” Brian asked brokenly, eyeing Debbie from sad, hazel eyes.

“Let the past be the past and concentrate on the here and now. You love Luke and Gus and I know you love Sunshine, too,” Debbie chuckled when she saw Brian's surprise on his face. “You don't fool me, Brian. I knew years ago that you loved him and you still love him just as much if not even more now. And what you're probably not seeing is that he loves you, too.”

“You're crazy.”

“No, I am not. I've seen the way he's been watching you like a hawk all day. He's worried about you, Brian. And just look at that painting in front of you. If that doesn't tell you how much that man loves you, I don't know what will. Don't you see? It's his way of saying to you that he's forgiven you.”

Debbie slowly got up and left a kiss on Brian's forehead when she stood in front of him. “Just look at the painting and really look, Brian. He loves you and he loves this family you have created for him. Don't lose that by keeping on living in the past.” Debbie sighed as she looked at the painting herself. “You can't change what happened in the past, but you have control over the present and the future. Don't mess it up. Don't make him leave by not being able to let go of a painful past. You've got a chance here to get the family you've always wanted. Don't mess it up over a misguided sense of guilt,” Debbie said seriously before she left him alone in the studio, alone with his thoughts and feelings.

***

After everyone had left, Brian and Justin had cleaned up the house and had made sure that Gus and Luke had made it into bed safely. Justin had noticed that Brian had disappeared for a long time during the afternoon which had only confirmed his belief that something was wrong. Afterwards Brian had come back and had rejoined the group and had pretended to be his usual snarky, happy self, but he hadn't been able to fool Justin. Justin had seen through Brian's act and had known that Brian was just pretending that everything was okay. Something was obviously wrong and for some reason Justin couldn't shake the feeling that it had to do with him. Brian had avoided his eyes all day and had avoided talking to him and if he was honest with himself, Justin had enough of that silent treatment. He wanted to know what was going on and he had vowed to himself that he would find out once the boys were taken care of.

Justin had looked in Brian's study, the media room and his studio, but hadn't been able to find Brian anywhere. He had seen Brian leave Luke's room about an hour ago, but ever since the man had seemed to disappear.

“Brian? Are you in here?” Justin asked quietly as he knocked on the door of the master bedroom. It was really the only place where he hadn't looked for Brian yet.

When the door opened, he sighed in relief. At least he had found Brian. Then his face turned into a frown. “Are you going out?” He noticed that Brian was wearing club clothes, pretty slutty ones at that if Justin dared to say so.

“It's Christmas, why should only the kids have fun on this day?” Brian asked as he walked past Justin without a further glance.

“Don't you think you should have told me?” Justin asked, feeling anger rise inside him. He didn't know why, but somehow it made him angry that Brian wanted to go out.

“Why? Are you my babysitter?” Brian's snark wasn't lost on Justin.

“Fine, I get it. Whatever your problem is, it has to do with me. Do I at least deserve to know what I did wrong?”

“Why does everything always have to be about you? It's Christmas and I just want to have some fun for myself after a day of fun for everyone else, I deserve at least that much, don't I?”

Justin eyed Brian and wondered if he was for real. “Shouldn't you at least have made sure that I don't have plans? That someone was here to watch the kids?”

“Do you have plans?” Brian asked and eyed the comfy jogging pants that Justin was wearing. When Justin didn't reply, Brian just nodded. “Yeah, I thought so.”

“Can we at least talk about today before you leave?” Justin tried a different approach, not surprised when Brian picked up his car keys and just walked past him towards the door.

“Sorry Justin, places to be, people to fuck, drinks to drink. I am sure whatever you so desperately want to talk about, can still be talked about tomorrow,” and with that Brian disappeared through the door without a second glance at Justin.

Justin watched the empty space where Brian had stood seconds before and shook his head in disbelief. This was so unlike Brian, he couldn't believe what had just happened. Then again, as he thought about it, it was typical Brian, but typical Brian from years ago. Typical Brian from when they had still been in their non-relationship. When Brian had refused to acknowledge that Justin was anything more than a convenient fuck. The Brian Justin had gotten to know in the last three months wouldn't have been that inconsiderate, that Brian would have asked Justin if he was okay with watching the kids for the night, that Brian would have let him in on his plans to go out for the night, that Brian would have probably even asked him if he wanted to go out too instead of just assuming that Justin would stay home and watch the kids. As Justin slowly made his way into the living-room, he couldn't help but wonder what had brought on the return of this old Brian. Something had been off all day and he wondered if it was just the fact that it was Christmas and Brian hated Christmas or if it was something more serious.

***

Emmett watched as Brian ordered another double Beam, before leering at the twink at his side. He had watched Brian disappear into the backroom several times that night and had seen him drink what probably amounted to a whole bottle of Beam already. As far as Emmett was concerned Brian was shit-faced drunk and that worried him more than he cared to admit. He hadn't seen Brian get drunk at Babylon in years and the last time he had seen Brian disappear into the backroom must have been shortly after Justin had left for New York. Afterwards he had barely seen Brian at Babylon at all and when he had been there, he had mostly hidden in his office, going over paperwork and numbers before having one drink and disappearing again. It worried Emmett that the old Brian of years ago seemed to have made a return and he wondered what had brought it on. Brian had acted weird all day and had seemed slightly out of it all during their Christmas dinner and when he had asked Justin about it, Justin had agreed that he had noticed as well that something was off, but the younger man hadn't known what had been the cause for Brian's weird behaviour. And now here he was getting shit-faced as he had done on his best Stud days. Something was definitely wrong.

When Emmett saw Brian grab the hand of the next trick he obviously wanted to take to the backroom, he had had enough and stepped into Brian's path. He threw a glare at the twink and ordered him to piss off.

“Honeycutt,” Brian slurred, but he never got further than that as Emmett interrupted him forcefully by stabbing his finger into Brian's chest.

“Don't call me Honeycutt, Kinney! What the fuck do you think you're doing?”

“I was about to get a hopefully decent blow-job. Now it feels like getting a lecture from you,” Brian snarked and Emmett had trouble making out all the words, Brian was that drunk.

“You're shit-faced drunk, Brian,” Emmett pointed out.

“What are you? My mother? I can do what I want to do, now get out of my way.”

“You're going home now,” Emmett said decisively and grabbed Brian's hand, pulling him towards the exit. He noticed that Brian was struggling, but Emmett was stronger than he looked. Being with Drew he had learned a few tricks about handling himself with bigger men and he didn't allow Brian to break away from his grasp.

“Honeycutt, let me go or I will kick your fucking ass until there's no tomorrow.”

“Brian, you don't scare me. That might have worked with Ted and Michael, but it never worked with me. Your bark is louder than your bite. You will go home now and then you'll sleep of the bottle of beam you consumed and tomorrow you'll apologise to Justin.”

At the mention of Justin's name Brian stopped struggling and his gaze focused on Emmett, or at least it seemed that way to Emmett. “Apologise for what?”

“For your despicable behaviour today.”

“Fuck you, Honeycutt!” Brian only muttered, now once more trying to break away from Emmett's grasp.

“No, fuck you, Brian! This was his first Christmas with his son and all day he has been worried about you because you were in a shitty mood for whatever reason. Not that you told anyone and allowed anyone to help you. No, in true Kinney fashion you just bottled it up and let him wonder what was wrong. This was supposed to be a happy day for him and you fucked it up because once again it had to be about you. You couldn't even give him that, could you? A happy Christmas with his kids was already too much for you to do for him after everything you put him through.”

Emmett had gotten more and more angry as he had talked and by the end had talked himself into a real rage.

“It's beyond me how he could ever forgive you. You are the worst kind of bastard out there,” the angry queen spat.

Emmett didn't notice how Brian had sunken into himself more and more at his angry words and at the end of his tirade was just leaning against a wall, tears streaming down his face. Emmett had never seen Brian cry and if he was honest with himself, the sight scared him shitless.

“Brian? Are you okay?”

At first Brian nodded, then he shook his head just seconds afterwards and just continued crying.

“Jesus, Brian. What's wrong?” Emmett got more and more worried, the more he saw Brian break down in front of him.

“I am such a fuck-up,” Brian got out after several minutes in which he had tried to calm himself down enough to talk.

“Not going to disagree there,” Emmett agreed.

“He deserves better,” Brian went on, his eyes incredibly sad.

“Once again, not going to disagree,” Emmett replied, before his voice turned slightly more gentle. “But for some reason he doesn't seem to think so.”

“He should hate me, but he doesn't.”

“No, he doesn't,” Emmett agreed quietly. He had seen the way Justin had looked at Brian in concern all day, he had seen the worried looks he had thrown Brian's way and even though Justin might not think that anybody else had noticed, Emmett had seen that there had been more in his eyes than just worry and concern for the second father of his child. Justin still loved Brian, for whatever reason, a reason Emmett clearly couldn't understand. At first he hadn't understood why Justin had fallen for Brian of all people, but Justin had once explained to him that there was more to Brian than most people knew and he had explained that Brian was a kind, loving and generous boyfriend. Over the years Emmett had come to see that Justin had been right and he had seen Brian for the person that he really seemed to be. He had seen what Justin had seemed to see in Brian and had understood why the twink had fallen for the Stud. During the short time that he had been their wedding planner, he had seen the love between those two with his own eyes and he had understood that Brian Kinney was a very complex man with many issues, but despite all that, he had loved his Sunshine more than anything. That much had been obvious to Emmett and therefore he had been more shocked than anyone else when those two had cancelled their wedding.

Now that Justin was back in Pittsburgh, Emmett had known that Justin had come back to reconcile with Brian and that his hurt and betrayal concerning Luke had been the reason to stop that from happening. If Emmett had been in Justin's shoes, he didn't think he would have ever been able to forgive Brian for what he had done, but somehow Justin had had enough love in him to forgive Brian and be happy.

Because Emmett had seen how happy Justin had been in recent weeks. The anger and pain of his first weeks back in Pittsburgh had all but disappeared and had been replaced by happiness and contentment. Emmett had been astonished by the change in the young man and when he had asked Justin about it, Justin had claimed that the love for his family was all that mattered and what had helped him and even though Emmett might not have liked it, he had just known that Justin also included Brian in that family. Brian would forever be a part of his life and if Emmett liked it or not, Justin would probably love him for as long as he lived. And if Emmett allowed himself to be honest, he knew what was going on with the man in front of him who was an absolute picture of guilt and misery.

“You love him,” Emmett stated and looked at Brian closely. He didn't even pose it as a question because he knew without a doubt that he was right.

“I tried not to, I know he deserves better... I know he doesn't need my shit...I tried so hard, but...,” the broken man muttered.

“But you love him.” Emmett ended for the man in front of him and wasn't surprised when he nodded.

Emmett nodded as well and pulled Brian up into a standing position. “Fine, it is what it is, so now we make the best of it,” the tall queen spoke in a no nonsense voice and brushed imaginary dust particles from Brian's shoulders. When Brian eyed him in confusion, Emmett explained some more what he was talking about.

“You love him and for some reason I don't understand, he also loves you. Still, after everything you have put him through. That means, he must think you worthy of his forgiveness and love. So you better not disappoint him and break his heart again.” Emmett pulled a confused Brian to the curb and started hailing down a cab for him. As a cab pulled up, he turned towards Brian. “You will go home and you will sleep this off. Whatever caused this, get it out of your system. You're right about one thing: He doesn't need this shit. What he needs is a man that loves him and loves the family he has always dreamed of. If you can't be that man, leave him alone, if you think you can be that man, you better work hard to convince me. If I see him cry once because you did something to cause it, your ass is mine, Kinney!” Emmett threatened and for some reason Brian had no doubt that he meant every word. Emmett came from Mississippi, he had to have learned a trick or two there and if not, he could probably sic Drew on him who would kick his ass.

Brian nodded meekly and as he was about to get into the cab, Emmett pulled him into a bear hug. “You better not break his heart again, you hear me? Now go and get your Sunshine.” Emmett kissed his cheek once and then turned around, walking away. As he stood on the steps that led into Babylon, he turned towards the cab once more, giving a perplexed Brian a wave goodbye. “Toodles.”

***

45 minutes later the cab pulled up in front of Britin and Brian got out. He made his way into the house as quietly as he could, feeling worse than ever about how he had treated Justin earlier that night when he had left. Justin had obviously been concerned and had wanted to know what was going on and all Brian had done had been to wave him off in a not so kind, typical Kinney fashion. He had been a true asshole and with every right to be, Justin was probably beyond pissed at him right now.

Brian got himself a bottle of water from the fridge in the kitchen and then quietly made his way up to the master bedroom. He had contemplated going to Justin's room and apologising right away, but Emmett had been right, he needed to sleep this off first. He could only talk to Justin when he was sober and he knew that he would need his wits together for that conversation.

Once he lay down on his bed, he felt more drunk than he had all evening. Everything was spinning when he closed his eyes and Brian groaned, knowing that he would have the mother of all headaches the next day. With that thought in his head, he fell into a fitful sleep.

He hadn't noticed the body of the man that had been on his mind all the way back home watching him from the living-room door where the younger man had fallen asleep hours before. He also hadn't seen the relief on the young man's face that he had obviously made it back home safely.

Chapter 28

Early the next morning a tired Justin made his way down the stairs into the kitchen. As he passed the hallway to the kids' bedrooms, he noticed Gus and Luke standing in the hallway and discussing something.

“Morning, you two,” Justin yawned as he walked up to them. “What are you up to?”

“We wanted to go and wake Daddy, so he can go and build a snowman with us. There has been new snow last night,” Gus announced and was ready to bounce off towards the master bedroom.

“Gus, wait a minute. Your daddy isn't feeling all too well. He's got a bit of an upset stomach. Let him sleep. He didn't get much sleep last night,” Justin lied easily, steering both boys away from Brian's bedroom door. If Brian's drunken state last night had been any indication, he would have the mother of all hangovers today and would probably be grateful for every piece of quiet he could get.

“Will Daddy be okay?” Luke asked with obvious concern, looking at his Papa worriedly.

“Yes, he will be. He probably just ate too much yesterday,” Justin continued lying.

“Maybe I should go and kiss it all better,” Luke suggested, turning around to Brian's bedroom once more.

“Later, buddy. Give your daddy some time to catch up on some sleep and then you can kiss it better, later. I am sure he'll appreciate that. How about waffles in the meantime?” Justin suggested, once again trying to steer the boys away from Brian's bedroom.

“Yay, waffles are awesome,” Gus exclaimed. “Can you make the strawberry ones we had for Thanksgiving?”

“Sure,” Justin nodded as all three of them left the hallway and made their way into the kitchen.

Unbeknownst to the three of them, the occupant of the bedroom had been awake and had been listening to their conversation. Brian couldn't believe that Justin had lied for him in front of their sons. After everything he had put him through in general and also yesterday in particular, he didn't deserve that, yet here Justin had been, trying to give him as much time as he could to recover from his hangover, because he was sure that was the reason for Justin lying. Otherwise there would have been no reason to keep the boys away from his bedroom.

As he tried to sit up, everything started spinning again and Brian cursed himself for how much he had drunk the night before. He felt the bile rise in his throat and rushed into the ensuite bathroom when he realised that it wasn't just bile. Groaning he leaned over the toilet and vomited like he had on his best radiation days.

He didn't know how long he had sat on the tiled bathroom floor in front of the toilet when he heard a quiet voice speak to him.

“Are you okay?”

“Have been better,” he replied honestly, as he tried to look up at Justin. That already proved to be too much movement, so he just groaned once more and leaned his head back onto his arms.

“I had a feeling you would say that,” Justin chuckled and Brian was ready to curse the bastard for chuckling at him, if only he could move and actually speak without having to vomit all over again.

“I got you another bottle of water and one of your sports drinks. They are rich in electrolytes. Most headaches secondary to alcohol consumption are caused by both dehydration and an imbalance of electrolytes, so that should help with the headache,” Justin informed him as he put the bottles down next to where Brian was sitting on the floor.

“Really? A PSA when I am in this state?” Brian murmured as he dared to look at Justin. All he could see was Justin shrug at him.

“I am just trying to help.”

“I know and... I am grateful for it,” Brian gritted out, before another wave of nausea hit him.

“How much did you have to drink last night? I haven't seen you like this in forever,” Justin exclaimed as he got a washcloth, drenched it in cold water and sat down next to Brian, holding it to his forehead to cool him a bit.

“Brings us back to the good old radiation days, right?” Brian tried to joke, but winced under Justin's glare.

“Don't make fun of that,” Justin chastised him as he held the cold washcloth to Brian's forehead.

Brian sighed happily, enjoying the cold to his head which immediately seemed to help with his headache.

“So, how much?” Justin asked again, holding the washcloth in place.

“Too much,” Brian muttered and hung his head.

“Obviously,” Justin could only agree.

“I guess a bottle or so of Beam... I don't really remember. All I remember is Honeycutt putting me into a cab and sending me home.”

“Good for him,” Justin said quietly as he got up. “I'll make sure the boys leave you alone for a few more hours.” With that he slowly made his way out of Brian's bathroom.

“Thank you,” Brian said just as quietly as he watched Justin go. As Justin was about to cross the bedroom, Brian called his name. Thinking that he might need something else, Justin returned and looked at the form of the man huddled around the toilet bowl. He raised an eyebrow and looked at Brian who was barely able to hold eye-contact with him.

“I know we need to talk about this and yesterday and...,” Brian took a deep breath. “We will. I promise.”

Justin saw the sincerity in Brian's eyes and nodded. “Okay.” Then he left the room again.

***

Brian had gone back to sleep for another two hours once he was done hugging the toilet bowl and when he woke up the next time, he was already feeling much better than he had before. He made it into the shower without any problems and after his shower he felt refreshed and slightly more human. He still had a slight headache and he didn't trust his stomach with solid food yet, but at least he didn't feel like vomiting anymore.

Once he was sure that he was presentable, Brian left the master bedroom and went in search of Justin and their sons. He had left Justin alone with them all morning and felt bad about that. He had just forced the kids on Justin without asking him first if he even had the time to take care of them. What if Justin had work to do for a painting or a show that was coming up? Brian felt even worse than he had already at that thought and chastised himself for having been as presumptuous as he had been where Justin's time had been concerned.

He quietly made his way into the kitchen and couldn't help but smile when he heard the happy laughter of his youngest son. “That feels funny,” the boy exclaimed and when Brian entered the kitchen, he knew immediately what his son had been laughing about. His hands were covered in jello for some reason and he was kneading it in his hands as if it was some kind of cookie dough.

“You're not supposed to take it into your hands, sonny boy,” Brian laughed right along and he couldn't help but feel his heart warm when Luke turned around and smiled at him with his own version of a sunshine smile.

“Daddy! Are you feeling better? I wanted to kiss your stomach better, but Papa said to let you sleep for some more time,” Luke rattled on and Brian noticed the exasperated sigh which came from Justin as he entered the kitchen through the other entrance from the living-room.

“Luke, I told you not to play with the jello, didn't I?”

“But Gus said it felt funny and I wanted to feel it too,” Luke explained as he turned to his father with his best puppy dog expression on his face. Justin couldn't help but laugh at his son's antics and walked over with a washcloth.

“And now you did and our dessert is a mess. Happy now?” Justin asked as he took the small boy's hands into the washcloth and started cleaning them. Only then did he notice Brian standing in the doorway from the hall. “Brian, you're up. How are you doing? Do you want some coffee?”

Brian nodded and moved over to the coffee machine. “I am doing way better,” he said as he poured himself a cup of coffee, then sat down at the table next to Gus who was still working on one of his sketches. Ever since Justin had moved into Britin, Gus would constantly carry a sketchpad with him and would constantly be drawing. He reminded Brian so much of a younger Justin and how Justin had drawn everyone and everything back when he had first gotten to know Brian.

“Hey daddy, look at my sketch of Luke and the jello,” the boy said happily as he held his sketchpad out to his dad to look at. Brian was suitably impressed by Gus' artistic abilities and praised his son.

“We were thinking about going out and building a snowman once we have finished lunch. If you want to join us, you're welcome,” Justin said, as he put a bowl of chicken soup in front of Brian. He chuckled when Brian made a face.

“Chicken soup? Are you kidding me?”

“Papa said Grandma Debbie's chicken soup is the best medicine when you're feeling bad and have a queasy stomach and it tastes really good,” Luke informed him and Brian couldn't help but chuckle at the serious expression on his son's face.

“Well, if your Papa says so, then it must be true,” Brian said before he tasted the first spoonful of soup. Indeed it was really good, much better than he remembered.

“We all ate it, too, even though our stomachs are fine. But Papa said we can also eat the chicken soup when we're not sick,” Gus informed his daddy and looked at him with obvious concern in his eyes. “Are you better now, Daddy?”

Brian put on his brightest smile and nodded at his son. “Yes, sonny boy. I am doing way better now.”

“Good, then you can help us build the snowman. We want to make the most beautiful snowman in all of Pittsburgh,” Gus announced and nodded when his younger brother eagerly added that they also wanted to make the biggest snowman in all of Pittsburgh.

“Well, I guess we'll be busy then in the afternoon,” Brian laughed and felt relieved that the boys didn't seem to have caught on to his bad mood from yesterday and what had happened yesterday evening and this morning.

He threw a grateful glance at Justin and felt relieved when it was returned with a small nod.

Chapter 29

Several hours later, as both boys had been in bed for quite some time, Justin wondered where Brian had disappeared to. He hadn't seen the older man since he had left Gus' bedroom two hours earlier. Justin felt slight anger build inside of him, Brian had promised him that they would talk and now he was hiding from Justin. If he didn't want to talk to him, he should just say so and Justin would leave him alone. The fuck if he cared what had gotten into Brian this time.

Justin chided himself for his own anger and sighed as he made his way up to his bedroom. Of course he cared, who was he fooling? He would always care about Brian and something was definitely eating at the older man and Justin had a feeling it had something to do with him. Brian had been acting weird ever since Justin had woken up and had seen him standing in his bedroom the day before. Things had been fine the night before when they had prepared the boys' presents for the next morning, so something had to have happened over night to make Brian act weird. And Brian had acted weirdly. He had avoided eye contact with Justin all day long, had hardly spoken more than two words with him and had disappeared for a long time in the afternoon when they had had their family over to celebrate Christmas together.

At first Justin had just blamed Brian's usual dislike of Christmas, but the longer he had thought about it, the less it made sense. Brian had seemed almost excited for Christmas in the days leading up to the holiday and when they had gotten the presents for their sons ready, Brian had been ecstatic and couldn't stop describing to Justin how much their sons would love Christmas and their presents. If it had been Brian's usual dislike of Christmas, Justin assumed, he would have noticed it way earlier than Christmas Day.

Sighing once again, knowing that he wouldn't get any answers that night and probably never judging by Brian's reluctance to talk to him, he made his way up to the floor that led to his studio and bedroom. As he was about to enter his bedroom, he frowned when he saw a light shining through the doorway of his studio. Had he left on the light in his studio? He frowned as he hadn't even been in the studio all day, as far as he could remember. Being utterly confused by the light being on in his studio, he wondered if maybe Gus and Luke had come up here without him allowing them to do so. They had both been told that they were more than welcome to join him whenever he was working in his studio, but that they were not to go in on their own as there were too many expensive paintings and materials around. And so far both boys had followed that rule and had only ever entered the studio with Justin at their side.

Opening the door, Justin stopped in his tracks when he saw Brian standing in front of the painting Justin and the boys had done for him of them all having dinner together. Justin saw the tension in Brian's shoulders and saw the pained expression on his face as he slowly made his way over to the older man.

Brian obviously hadn't noticed Justin's arrival and continued staring at the painting with an almost obsessed stare. Not wanting to scare the brunet, Justin quietly called out his name.

“Brian?”

Justin saw the moment Brian realised that he wasn't alone any longer as his shoulders tensed even more. He quietly moved to stand next to Brian and looked at the painting as well.

“I will get rid of it tomorrow,” he announced in a voice that was merely above a whisper.

Brian's head whipped around and looked at Justin in obvious surprise. “What? Why?”

“You obviously don't like it.”

“I love it,” Brian said sincerely and even though Justin couldn't quite understand Brian's strong reaction to the painting, he believed his words. He heard the honesty in them.

“That's not the impression I am getting,” he whispered, looking at the painting himself. He had loved how carefree and happy they all appeared during their dinners together and he had thought that he had done a good job of capturing that on the canvas. He didn't often congratulate himself on having created masterpieces, as he didn't see his art that way, but this painting had been a true masterpiece to him and he had been incredibly proud when it had been finished. This painting meant the world to him and that was probably why Brian's weird reaction to it hurt even more. He could live with people criticising his art and not liking it, that was part of putting his art out there, but he didn't know if he could live with Brian obviously not liking something he and his sons had created together as a present for him.

“I do, it's absolutely amazing,” Brian said once more. “It's speaking right to me and I wasn't prepared for that. Your art has always been breathtaking and this is no exception, Justin.”

“Then why are you being all weird about this painting?”

“I don't know,” Brian admitted after a long silence between them. He had thought about telling Justin the truth, the younger man deserved that much, but he just couldn't bring himself to admit what the painting was making him feel. He remembered what Emmett had told him the night before, how Justin didn't need his shit and Emmett had been right. Justin didn't need this and he didn't need Brian throwing his own problems at him. Therefore Brian had decided to lie. It was just easier that way. He just would have to work through this guilt on his own. It wasn't Justin's problem and he wouldn't make it his.

He hadn't expected Justin's angry reply. “Yes, you do! You're just not man enough to admit it to me. But you know what? You want to pretend, then fine, go on pretending!”

“Justin,” Brian started, but was interrupted by angry, blazing blue eyes turning on him.

“Tell me about last night. What was that about?”

“I just needed a break. I needed to get out for a bit,” Brian said quietly and once again wasn't prepared for the blond's reaction.

“You know what? You're a fucking piece of shit. You were the one to tell me that we would talk. Obviously that was a lie and you don't want to talk. Next time just tell me instead of lying to me.”

“I am not lying to you,” Brian started, but once again the angry blond interrupted.

“Yes, you are! And it's the one thing I never thought you would do, but here we are. Apparently I don't even deserve your honesty anymore. How stupid do you think I am? Do you really think I haven't noticed that this is about me? How you have acted all weird even before you got the painting? How you have avoided me all day yesterday? I am not a stupid 17-year old anymore, Brian. If you have a fucking problem with me, do me the courtesy of telling me instead of lying to my face with some bullshit made up excuses.”

After having ended his angry tirade, Justin stormed out of the studio and Brian could hear the door to his bedroom slam. He eyed the empty space that Justin had occupied just seconds before and cursed himself for once again having made the wrong decision. He should have known that Justin would see right through him, if there had ever been one person who had seen through all his bullshit, it had been Justin. Why this time should be different, he couldn't really tell himself.

Ready to face the music and make it up to the blond, Brian quietly left the studio and went to the bedroom door next to it. He knocked and spoke calmly, way more calm than he actually felt that moment.

“Justin?”

“Fuck off, Brian!” He heard from inside the room and had to chuckle despite the whole situation. Justin always got so eloquent when they were fighting. Knowing that he probably shouldn't, but still doing it anyways, he opened the door without Justin's approval and made his way into the bedroom.

He saw the blond staring out the window, turning towards him in obvious anger once he had noticed that Brian had entered his room.

“What about fuck off don't you understand?”

“I didn't mean to lie to you,” he said quietly. “I am sorry.”

“Sorry is bullshit,” Justin spat at him, not moving away from his space by the window.

“It's not. Not when you mean it and I do.”

“So what are you sorry for?” Justin eyed the man who was still standing in his doorway.

“A lot of things, but right now? Mostly for making you this angry.”

Justin eyed the contrite looking man and frowned at the pain he heard in his voice.

“You know I can't stand lying,” Justin said with an equal amount of pain in his own voice. “You're the one person that never lied to my face, why are you starting now?”

“Justin, I am just trying to protect you,” Brian whispered, his voice hardly audible and Justin had to strain to make out Brian's words.

“Protect me? What are you protecting me from this time?”

Brian could hear the sarcasm in Justin's voice and knew that he deserved far more than that.

“You don't need this, Justin and I am sorry for pulling you into it.”

“This? What is this exactly, Brian? What are we talking about here? I don't understand,” Justin admitted, slowly making his way over to the bed and plopping down on its edge.

“My shit,” Brian just replied as if it was self-explanatory.

“What shit?” Justin asked and Brian heard how the anger had left the younger man's voice and was replaced by something that sounded a lot like concern.

“Don't,” Brian retorted angrily, glaring at Justin.

“Don't what?” Justin frowned.

“Don't sound so fucking concerned.”

“Well, I am concerned. What do you want me to do about it?” Justin retorted angrily.

“You shouldn't be,” Brian said sadly, then turned around and began to walk away.

Justin jumped up from the bed and followed the older man, feeling angrier than he had in a long time. How dare Brian just run away from their conversation?

“Don't you dare walk away like that! We will talk about this, Brian!”

Brian snorted at that. “So you can run away, but I can't? That's rich.” At Justin's confused expression, Brian added. “Just ten minutes ago you ran out of the studio and ran out on me, in case you forgot.”

Justin looked thoroughly chastised and had to admit that he really had forgotten about his little queen out. The more he thought about it though, the more it amused him and a small smirk appeared on his face. “Well... nobody's perfect... Not even me.”

He slowly walked over to the brunet and looked at him from sad, blue eyes. “I know things are far from perfect and this is just proof of that, but... we're in this together, Brian. We promised each other we would figure this out together. For Luke and Gus. We owe them to try harder and I think we really need to talk about what happened. For us, but also for them. Can we do that?”

Brian looked at Justin for the longest time and all he saw was absolute sincerity in the younger man's eyes. He knew that Justin was right. His behaviour yesterday had affected not only Justin, but their sons as well and the boys deserved better from him. He knew he owed them to try harder, just like Justin had said. In the end he nodded and slowly followed Justin back into his studio. They sat side by side on the chaise that Justin had put in his studio for whenever he needed a break.

Justin ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath. “What happened, Brian? How did we go from everything being okay two days ago to this?” Justin knew that they hadn't really been okay by most peoples' standards, but under their circumstances, they had been doing pretty okay or at least he had thought so.

Brian sighed deeply before he replied. “It's me, Justin. I am working through some shit and I am sorry you got pulled into it. I am sorry it destroyed your Christmas. I know how excited you were for your first Christmas with the boys and you have no idea how sorry I am that I destroyed that for you. I didn't mean to, you have to believe me.”

“What shit?” Justin asked with obvious concern.

“It's my shit, Justin. You don't need any more of that, I'll just have to work through this on my own.”

“Why don't you let me decide that? We talked about this, Brian. I am an adult and I make my own decisions. I don't need you to decide for me. You said that I didn't need any more of your shit, but you didn't ask me about my opinion. We're in this together, Brian. We promised each other to be friends. So if there is shit you need to work through, why don't you let me help? We're a family, Brian and families deal with shit together.”

“This is different,” Brian muttered.

“Why? Because it concerns me? Don't you think that's even more reason to let me know what all this is about?”

When Brian tried to protest, Justin held up his hands, urging him to stay quiet and let him finish. “I meant it, Brian. I am not that same naive 17-year old boy. I know that whatever is going on right now is because of me. I even have a pretty good idea what is going on in your head, but I want to hear it from you yourself.”

When Brian didn't reply to that, Justin just eyed him. “You have been acting weird since you came to wake me up yesterday morning. I know what you found when you came in. Luke being in there with me and I know that it can't have been easy to know that he came to me instead of you like he did all those years before. I get it, you're jealous and that's absolutely normal, Brian.”

Justin stopped when Brian actually snorted at his explanation of what he thought was going on.

“I am not jealous,” Brian just retorted.

At Justin's dubious frown, Brian took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he needed to tell the man next to him. He knew that lying was not an option, Justin deserved better from him and in any case Justin would look right through his lies anyway, just like he had done earlier.

“It's honestly not about jealousy,” Brian assured the younger man once more. “You're right, something happened when I saw Luke there with you, but it wasn't jealousy. I-I came to wake you up because Gus was growing impatient to open his presents and when you didn't reply to my knocking, I figured that you might be in the bathroom, so I opened the door. I know I shouldn't have and should have respected your privacy, but I just wanted to tell you to hurry up. When I opened that door, I saw you and Luke in that bed and you both looked so peaceful. You both had content smiles on your faces and the way Luke was cuddling close to you and how you were holding him close in a protective hug... seeing that did something to me. I couldn't tear my eyes away from the sight and the longer I watched you two sleeping, the longer I saw how content and happy you were, the more I realised that I am the cause for both of you losing out on that for five years. As I watched you, I thought about what a happy boy Luke has always been and I couldn't help but think how much happier he could have been, if I hadn't been such an ass and hadn't kept you two separated. I know that I hurt you and I will never forgive myself for that, but call me stupid or selfish or whatever, but yesterday was the first time I realised how much I didn't only hurt you, but how much I also hurt Luke and...you're right, I was avoiding you after that. I couldn't stand you looking at me when I had hurt our son so badly...”

Justin eyed the man next to him and his heart was breaking for him, the more he went on. By now silent tears were running down Brian's cheeks and Justin could see the pain the man was going through.

“I only ever wanted to be a good father. I wanted my sons to be happy and have everything I never had growing up, but... I am no better than Jack or Joan. I hurt them just like they hurt me. What kind of father does that make me? And how am I supposed to face you, when all you do is love them and be there for them whenever they need you?”

“Brian,” Justin began quietly, looking at the broken, crying man next to him. “You're nothing like Jack and Joan. Don't ever say that...You would never do anything to hurt your sons like they hurt you and you might not see it, but Luke and Gus are the happiest kids I have ever seen. And they're that happy because of you. Because you're a great father to them. They both love and adore you and every time I look at them and see them smile, I know it's because you did such a great job with them these last years. Don't you ever compare yourself to your parents ever again. You're nothing like them, Brian.”

“Why do you do that?” Brian asked through his tears as he looked at Justin from wide eyes.

“Why do I do what?”

“Defend me. Even now. After all I have done to you and put you through. You should hate me, not defend me,” Brian spat, burying his head in his hands.

“Is that what you want me to do? To hate you?” Justin asked sadly.

“It's what I deserve,” Brian muttered through his hands and Justin could see that his shoulders were shaking even stronger now and the man was sobbing now. Justin had never seen Brian like this before and it scared him slightly, but in the end, he did the only thing he could think of and wrapped his arms around the sobbing man, holding him close. He felt Brian tense even more, which only made Justin hold him closer. In the end Justin felt Brian stop fighting him and felt him relax into the hug. He held the crying man close and allowed him his tears, feeling how his own tears ran down his cheek.

“You need to stop punishing yourself, Brian. You need to let go of this,” Justin whispered, holding the older man tight in his arms. “I need you to let go of this.”

“I can't... ,” Brian hiccuped through his tears.

“Then we need to find a way together, Brian. You can't go on like this. It's hurting you and it's hurting our family.”

“I deserve that,” Brian only muttered again.

Justin pulled back from their hug and made Brian look at him. His voice was serious when he spoke. “I have forgiven you a long time ago, Brian. You only need to forgive yourself now.”

“You shouldn't have,” Brian said, turning away from the warmth and concern he saw in Justin's eyes.

“Why don't you let me be the judge of that? My life, my decisions, remember?” Justin said quietly, as he forced Brian to look at him once again. “I wanted to hate you, god you have no idea how much I wanted to hate you and wanted to lash out at you when I first found out. I wanted to rip you apart and feed you to the wolves and that was one of the nicer things running through my head at the time, but... with time I realised that this pain and hurt wasn't going to help anyone. I told you I wanted to do what was right for Luke and Gus and I tried to. I tried to move on. Whatever happened, is in the past, Brian. There is nothing you or I can do about it, no matter how much we might want to. And I am not blind to your guilt. I see it every day when you look at me.”

At Brian's surprised gasp, Justin couldn't help but chuckle. “Don't forget, I wrote the Kinney Operating Manual. I'm onto you.” He then turned serious once again. “I know how guilty you feel and if I were a lesser man, I'd say that it makes me feel better to see you suffering, that I feel vindicated knowing that I am happy and you're not, but... that's not who I am. No matter how much I might want to be and no matter how much you might think I should be that person, it's not me, Brian. It pains me to see what you're putting yourself through. I meant what I said earlier: I have forgiven you, Brian and I need you to forgive yourself.”

“How?” Brian asked, looking at the young man next to him, who was so much stronger than he ever could hope to be.

“This pain and hurt is not getting us anywhere, Brian. And with us I mean us as a family. I thought long and hard about what kind of parents I want us to be to our sons and I didn't want them to grow up with custody schedules, us fighting, tension around every corner as they grew up. So I made a conscious choice to do what I needed to do to be the best parent possible. You want to know how I forgave you? Because I've seen what an amazing father you are. I've seen you with Gus and Luke and the love you have for them and how much they love you back. And they allowed me in on that without any questions or grudges or anything. They just loved me like that and I loved them like that and within days I realised that none of the pain and hurt mattered when I had their love. Why spend hours and hours thinking about all the bad things, when I could just think about their love for me? I forgave you, because I have received something far more important from you than pain and hurt.” At Brian's confused expression, Justin smiled gently. “You gave me the family I always wanted and dreamed of. How could I hate you after that?”

“I hurt you worse than anyone could, I don't deserve your forgiveness,” Brian answered in anguish.

“Yes, you did. And forgiving does not mean that I will ever forget, but hanging on to that hurt isn't doing us any good. For better or worse we are a family, Brian. We have two sons who depend on us and if we want to be the best parents we can be to them, we need to let go of that hurt. I did, because I try to focus on the good this family has given me, but I need you to do that too. I can't do this if you're carrying around this huge guilt with you. I can't look into your eyes and know that I am putting the pain there that I see. And I see it, Brian. I am not blind to it,” Justin whispered.

“You're not putting it there,” Brian contradicted, not sure where Justin had gotten that idea. Justin had been beyond amazing in his forgiveness and how he had adapted to their family life, how could he think he was hurting Brian?

“Yes, I am. By just being here... If I weren't here, you wouldn't feel guilty and....,” Justin took a deep breath. “I know that you feel that guilt every time you look at me and the boys. I see it in your eyes. If I weren't here, you wouldn't feel guilty, so it's me putting it there,” Justin reasoned.

“That's bullshit. You can't honestly believe that,” Brian exclaimed.

“I do, Brian and nothing you say will make me think otherwise.” Justin took one of Brian's hands in his and held on tight. He couldn't help but smile when he saw Brian's widened eyes watching their hands. “We owe it to Luke and Gus that we work through this. And I believe that we can. We've made it through so much already, we can do this, too.” Justin entwined their fingers and looked at Brian from shining eyes. “I believe we can be the family that I always dreamed of. I know we can be,” Justin corrected himself and at Brian's hopeful gaze, he nodded. “But I need you to do your part as well, Brian. I have forgiven you, now I need you to forgive yourself, so we can really move on. As the family we always should have been.”

Justin finished that last sentence as a whisper, but Brian had heard him loud and clear and his heart was thumping like crazy in his chest. Here this amazing man was sitting next to him, a man he had hurt so badly, and he was telling him that he wanted them to move on together. Because that was what Justin had said. He wanted them to be together, so they could be the family they had always been supposed to be.

“I am not sure how to do that,” Brian whispered, cursing himself for hurting Justin once more. He knew that Justin needed to hear something else from him, wanted to hear something else from him, but Brian really didn't know how to work through his guilt and if this amazing man wanted to give him another chance, he at least deserved Brian's honesty in return. He deserved to know where they were standing.

Justin nodded in sad acceptance of what Brian was saying and squeezed the larger hand in his. “Maybe...You mentioned that you had gone to therapy before...Maybe it would help here? If I can't help you, maybe someone professional can?” Justin said sincerely.

Brian contemplated what Justin had said and agreed that maybe they were past helping themselves and needed additional help to make it through this mess that he had caused. “Yeah, it's worth a shot anyway.”

“I want us to get this right, Brian,” Justin whispered, looking into deep hazel eyes as he spoke.

He felt his hand being squeezed as Brian replied. “Me, too, and I will do whatever I have to to make this right for our family.”

As Brian had spoken, he had realised that he really meant every word of what he had said. This amazing man and his sons deserved no less from him. Here Justin was giving him another shot and even though Brian might not feel like he deserved it, he knew that he wanted this so badly and he would do whatever was in his power to make this work for his family. If that included going to therapy, he would gladly do so.

Justin smiled one of his famous sunshine smiles as he looked at the man next to him, who led their entwined hands to his mouth and placed a gentle kiss on Justin's hand. “I know...”

***

They sat together on Justin's chaise in comfortable silence for what felt like hours, just enjoying the moment and the happiness from having made some decisions together concerning their future and the future of their family. Justin was the first to break the silence as he bumped his shoulder against Brian's.

“Tell me about the painting,” he quietly urged.

Brian looked reluctant to reply, but in the end answered Justin, knowing that Justin deserved to know and that they would only be able to make it if they were completely honest with each other.

“It's stunning, I really mean it,” Brian emphasised when he saw Justin's doubtful gaze. “It's just that after seeing you with Luke in the morning... it was just too much to see the painting, too. It was just too much in one day and only added to the guilt.”

“Why?”

“I am not sure I can really explain, but when I saw the painting, I immediately felt so much love, contentment and happiness in that scene and it was reaching out to me and engulfing me more the longer I looked at it and... after getting myself all worked up about you and Luke earlier that day, I had just gotten it in my head that I didn't deserve to be a part of that and...your expression really got to me,” Brian whispered the last part.

“My expression? Why?” Justin frowned, looking over at the painting and his own expression. “What about it?”

“You looked so happy and content and I couldn't fathom how you could with me being in the picture, too... I know that Luke and Gus make you happy, but I was part of that painting and I felt like you shouldn't be happy with me being in the picture...”

“Because I should hate you?” Justin asked.

Brian only nodded in reply and Justin quietly nodded too. He looked at his painting for the longest time. “I redid myself three times, you know?”

“Why?”

Justin shrugged in reply. “I was never really happy with what I saw. I started with me because it was hardest for me. I mean... I've been painting and sketching you all my life, I've done hundreds of sketches of Gus and by the time we started on this painting, I had also done several sketches of Luke, but I had never done a sketch or a painting of myself. It was the first time I was trying at a self-portrait, really. And it's damn hard, let me tell you,” Justin chuckled and was relieved when he saw Brian smile in amusement. “After I was done with my first attempt, I would look at myself for hours and I just wasn't happy with what I saw. I saw an angry and hurt man and I didn't want that to be caught in a painting for eternity. It was one of the first times that I realised that I would have to try harder to make this work. The next try a few weeks later, I was happier with. It was around Thanksgiving and when I looked at the finished version of myself, I saw contentment and even some happiness, but there was still some pain in there. I can't really explain it, but this painting kind of urged me to try harder at making this family work. It made me try harder to be happy myself, because I wanted to be just as happy as Luke and Gus were. And so I did... I tried harder and two days before Christmas, I repainted myself again. I was finally happy with what I saw on my face.”

“What about me?” Brian asked, looking at the painting. Justin had said earlier that he could see pain in Brian's eyes every time Brian looked at him, but there was no pain in his expression in the painting.

“I cheated,” Justin admitted with a small chuckle.

“Cheated?”

“I took your expression from one of your unguarded moments alone with Gus and Luke. When you thought no one was watching you. You get this carefree expression that only Luke and Gus can bring to your face.”

“Why did you paint that and not the real expression?”

Justin shrugged and looked at the painting for a long time before he answered. “I guess because that's how I see you, too.”

Chapter 30

Brian sat at his desk in his Kinnetik office and looked at the list of names before him. He had promised Justin that he would get professional help and he would. Things at Britin had gotten better after their talk and they had enjoyed a couple of happy days with their sons before the new year had started and they had to return to reality. The boys were now back in school and Brian was back working at Kinnetik.

Even though Justin hadn't pressured him and hadn't asked him again after their talk, Brian knew that Justin expected him to keep up his end of the bargain. Justin expected him to do his part so their family could work, so they could work really. And Brian would do whatever he could to make them work, now that Justin had offered him a second chance.

Ever since their talk they hadn't talked about their relationship again, but that was okay with Brian. Justin had made his feelings clear and now the ball was in Brian's court, so to speak. He knew that Justin wouldn't just jump back into any kind of relationship without Brian working through his issues first and they both knew that would take time and wouldn't happen in one day. They had both accepted that and were happy with what they had for the moment.

Brian scanned the list of therapists on his desk once more and sighed, knowing that he would have to make a decision soon on which one to see. When a hand appeared in front of his face, he frowned and looked up.

“Theodore? Why are you waving your hand in my face like that?”

Ted had the audacity to chuckle at him. “If you would respond to me calling your name, I wouldn't have to wave my hand in your face like that.”

When Brian looked at him in utter confusion, Ted explained. “I came in here and called your name three times, but you didn't react. You seemed to be deep in thought, reading that,” Ted chuckled as he pointed to the list on Brian's desk.

“Sorry,” Brian muttered, turning his full attention to his CFO. “What do you need me for anyway?”

“It's Tuesday, it's 10am, it's our weekly meeting where we go about the schedule for the rest of the week,” Ted explained slowly as if talking to a small child. It wasn't like Brian to be this unfocused. “Are you okay, Bri?”

“Yeah, just a lot going through my head right now,” Brian waved Ted's question away and focused on the meeting at hand.

“Well, then you'll be happy to know that we have a quiet week ahead. All the Christmas campaigns have worked as expected and now we have a couple of quiet days ahead, before we have to get ready for the spring campaigns. The art department is already brainstorming a couple of ideas for possible designs.”

Brian nodded, feeling quite happy that a quiet week was ahead. That way he could fully focus on his task at hand, which was working through his guilt and issues, to get a chance at getting Justin back.

“Brian?” Ted called out for the third time already, this time louder.

“What?”

“What is going on? You're not usually this unfocused,” Ted pointed out. “Is everything okay at home?”

“Yeah,” Brian nodded, glancing at the list on his desk once more. Things weren't quite okay yet, but they would hopefully be once he was done seeing that therapist.

“What's that?” Ted asked, frowning at the paper on Brian's desk that seemed to have captivated Brian's whole attention.

“None of your business, Theodore,” Brian muttered as he picked up the paper from his desk.

“Don't give me that, Brian. We've been doing this for years now, you know it doesn't work on me,” Ted argued and couldn't help but smile slightly when Brian handed the piece of paper to him in annoyance.

“Happy now?” Brian asked as he saw Ted scan the paper.

“What's this?”

“A list of family therapists.”

“I can see that, but why are you looking at it?” Ted asked, looking at his friend closely. “Is everything okay?”

“Hopefully it will be once I've started seeing one of those,” Brian replied with his usual snark, but that didn't put off Ted anymore. Not after having been Brian's friend for years. At first he had only been Brian's accountant, but with time they had gotten closer as friends and Brian had started trusting Ted more and more not only with his finances, but also with his personal stuff. There was a reason why Ted had been made Luke's godfather and not Michael, who even at the time of Luke's birth had claimed to be Brian's best friend. Brian had moved on from his friendship with Michael years ago and had drifted to a more quiet friendship with his CFO. Ted knew that Brian trusted him and in return he trusted Brian. Brian had saved his life when he had given him a job back in the day and for that he would always be grateful to his boss and friend. With time he had come to see the real Brian, the Brian that Justin had always seen and fallen in love with and after Justin's departure to New York, Ted had become even more of a friend to Brian.

“Are you considering going?”

“No, I am just looking at it for pure fun,” Brian commented with his well known sarcasm and then continued more seriously when he saw Ted's annoyed expression that said 'I can't read your mind'. “Justin is thinking about giving us another try,” he began and wasn't surprised when he was immediately interrupted by his friend.

“Brian, that's great! I am so happy for you!”

“However, there are some issues that I need to work through first and I can't do that on my own and he can't help me either, so... he suggested that I get some professional help so we can get it right this time.”

“That sounds sensible,” Ted muttered. He looked at the list once more and then back at Brian. “If you want I can ask Blake to check the list. He knows many therapists in the Pittsburgh area and might have an idea or two.”

“That's why I handed the list to you, Theodore. I love it when you know what I need you to do,” Brian smirked. “And not a word to anyone or you will be dead, you hear me?”

“Have I ever betrayed your trust?” Ted asked, slightly hurt and Brian actually had to chastise himself. Ted had never disappointed him, be it as a CFO or as a friend.

“No, no you haven't, Theodore and I really appreciate that,” Brian said sincerely, hoping that his friend would see his statement for the apology that it was. Thankfully Ted did and left Brian's office with a smile on his lips.

***

Two days later Ted had gotten back to Brian with the list which now contained comments from Blake on every single one of those therapists. At the bottom Blake had added two suggestions of his own and Brian looked up those names first. Just like he trusted Ted, he had also come to trust Blake over the years. The twink had come a long way from being the drugged out Chrystal Queen that Ted had first met years and years ago. He was now a well known drug counsellor and was doing amazing work at the clinic he worked at. Blake had also been a great help to Brian when the whole Lindsay court trial had gone down and he had been awarded full custody of Gus. It had been Blake who had supported Jennifer's suggestion that Brian should take the boy to see a therapist to make it through all the changes in his young life unscarred. At first Brian had been totally against the idea, but when he had found Gus crying his eyes out more often than he could stomach, he had followed Blake's and Jennifer's advice and it had done the small boy the world of good. Brian had been eternally grateful to the drug counsellor and slowly but surely they had become friends as well.

A week later Brian had his first scheduled session with Lisa Smithson, a family therapist who had studied at Carnegie Mellon and graduated with honours. He immediately liked the open, honest young woman who didn't mince her words, a characteristic Brian appreciated a lot in other people. He was a successful business man and a family father, he just didn't have the time for people trying to sell their opinions as something they were not. He and Lisa immediately connected in a therapist-patient kind of way and Brian felt secure telling her about his past and what was going on. They agreed that Brian should see her twice a week and when Brian left her office, he already felt slightly better about himself. He had taken the first step in getting his Sunshine back in the only way that mattered.

That evening he had told Justin about his appointment with the therapist and the blond had bestowed one of his best sunshine smiles on Brian in response to his news. Even though Brian still hated talking about his feelings and emotions on the best of days, he knew he had been doing the right thing as soon as he saw the sunshine smile being directed at him.

After four weeks of going to his twice-weekly sessions with Lisa, Brian returned home one evening and was unusually quiet. Justin immediately noticed that something was off.

“Is everything alright?” He asked in concern as he saw Brian pour himself a shot of Beam. He frowned at that. Ever since Christmas Brian hadn't drunk anymore and Justin wondered what had happened to make him drink now.

“Don't look at me like that, it's just one shot,” Brian said as he downed the shot.

“I didn't say anything,” Justin replied truthfully.

“You didn't have to, your face said it all,” Brian muttered as he brushed past Justin into the kitchen to get himself some food out of the fridge. Luke and Gus were still out with their Grandma Debbie, so they didn't have to worry about the boys walking in on them.

“I am just wondering what is going on,” Justin said quietly, watching Brian's back as he put some grilled chicken into the microwave.

“I had a session with Lisa today,” Brian began and turned around to look at Justin.

Justin nodded, he had known that. He knew Brian's twice-weekly schedule and most times after a session Brian would tell him what they had talked about, if he felt like it that was.

“She wants you to come in for the next session,” Brian announced and Justin's eyes widened.

“Me?”

“Do you see anyone else here?” Brian asked in his usual snark.

“Why?” Justin asked quietly, knowing that Brian was bothered by Lisa's request more than he cared to admit.

“She thinks it will help us and... me,” Brian shrugged.

“Okay,” Justin said and walked over to the fridge to get himself some juice.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“That's it? Just okay?” Brian frowned.

“What more do you want me to say?” Justin asked in confusion.

“I don't know... I …,” Brian shut up, not really sure what he had wanted to say.

“Brian, if she thinks this will help, then I'll do it. I told you I'd do whatever it takes to make this work. So if she thinks this is what needs to happen, then I'll do it. Gladly,” Justin replied with a smile and Brian could only be amazed again by the man in front of him.

“Thanks, I guess,” he muttered, not quite sure what else to say.

***

Five days later the two men walked into the office of Brian's therapist. She introduced herself to Justin and explained why she had wanted to see him as well.

“Brian told me that you are thinking about giving your relationship another try, but that you expect him to work through his issues first,” Lisa said, looking at Brian and Justin for confirmation. When both men nodded, she went on. “Brian is dealing with a lot of guilt as you know and guilt is an emotion that is hard to control and deal with. We're working on it and I am very happy with Brian's progress, however, talking to him in recent weeks and keeping in mind that you two want to give a relationship another shot, I think you should be part of the process.”

Justin frowned at the woman sitting across from him, but nodded. “Okay...”

“When we talked about the possibility of a new relationship, Brian noticed that there isn't only the guilt he's dealing with, but that he's also controlled by one other emotion. Tell him, Brian,” the therapist urged and Justin looked at Brian with confusion and curiosity.

Justin watched as Brian fidgeted and wrung his hands again and again. He felt for the man sitting next to him and held out his hand in a gesture of support. He smiled when Brian grabbed it and squeezed it tightly. “You can tell me, Brian. We're in this together.”

“I am scared, Justin,” Brian finally admitted and Lisa looked at him proudly for having announced his feelings to Justin.

“So am I,” Justin admitted and looked at Brian from sincere eyes. “With Luke and Gus to consider, the pressure to get this right is so much higher than if it were just you and me.”

Brian only nodded and squeezed Justin's hand once more. “I am scared of fucking this up once more,” Brian whispered and Justin looked at the man by his side from sad eyes.

“You won't. We'll figure this out together,” Justin promised.

Lisa smiled at the two men in front of her and felt reassured by Justin's ability to read Brian's emotions and to calm the man down. Brian had talked himself into quite some outlandish scenarios in recent weeks about how he could fuck up their new relationship this time and she had never been able to reach him just like Justin had with a few simple words. To her the bond between these two men was obvious. Brian was so attuned to Justin and vice versa, it gave her comfort that these two men would be able to work through their issues.

“Justin, can I ask you why you're so confident about Brian not doing anything bad to your relationship again?”

Justin thought about her question for a few seconds and ordered his thoughts before he replied. “I know that Brian loves me and our sons more than anything in the world and... even more than that, I know that Brian would never do anything to hurt us.”

“But he hurt you before...,” Lisa pointed out.

Justin sighed, but nodded. “But only because he wanted to protect me. It was his misguided idea of making sure that I got everything in life I was dreaming of.”

“Do you think he protected you by keeping your son a secret from you?”

“No, of course not!”

“So obviously Brian made a wrong choice. How do you know he won't do so again?” She asked him.

“When all that happened, Brian and I had a weird kind of relationship. I wasn't really sure about my place in his life and he wasn't really sure about his place in my life. We were at different places in our life, probably largely due to our age difference, I guess.”

“Can you explain that a bit further, Justin?” Lisa asked him in a gentle voice.

“Brian had his own company and was already an established business man in his mid-thirties. I hadn't even finished my education and hadn't even started at a career of my own. What we had going back then was this weird kind of relationship where Brian was constantly taking care of me and I let him, because I couldn't do it myself.”

At Brian's protest, Justin looked at the man at his side and smiled at him gently. “No, it's true. I didn't have a proper job, I didn't have anything to show for, but a failed movie and a mildly successful comic book. We were at different points in our life and I can understand why Brian kept Luke a secret from me, so I could build my own career. I am not agreeing with his choice, but I know where his reasoning was coming from. I am so much younger and back then, he wanted me to explore my career and didn't want me to give it up so I'd be confined to a life in Pittsburgh.”

“Would you have seen it that way?”

“No, not at all. But I get why Brian thought I would. We come from different backgrounds which made us look for different things in life. Like I said, we were in different places back then and our relationship wasn't really working because of that.”

Lisa nodded at what Justin had said and continued with her questions.

“What makes you think that this time will be different?”

“We love our sons and we both want the same things now,” Justin simply replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“What things?”

“Happiness, love, health, our sons with us and us together.”

“Do you think Brian loves you?” Lisa asked him and Justin wondered where she was going with her interrogation of him.

“I know he does,” Justin said with a smile that lit up the whole room. He glanced at Brian and entwined their fingers, squeezing to show the man that he loved him too.

“How do you know? How can you be so sure. Has he told you?”

“He doesn't have to. I can see it in his eyes and his actions,” Justin whispered, his eyes never leaving Brian's. He could see a small tear run down Brian's cheek and gently wiped it away.

“What actions?”

Justin sighed in annoyance at the therapist. “Look, I am not sure where you're going with this, but I know without a doubt that Brian loves me. I see it every day in the way he's beating himself up about what happened with Luke. He wouldn't do that if he didn't care about me. He wouldn't be here, talking to a therapist if he didn't love me, he wouldn't try so hard to make things right for our family if he didn't love me. I KNOW he loves me.”

“Okay, fine. Do you love him?” Lisa asked, totally unperturbed by Justin's impatience.

“Are you for real?” Justin asked her with wide eyes. He turned to look at Brian and saw his scared expression. “Is that what you've been doing for four weeks now? What a waste of time...”

“Justin, please. Can you just answer the question,” Lisa repeated calmly.

“Why? He knows. What's the point of this?”

“Does he?”

Justin looked to Brian once more and saw the fear and confusion in the brunet's hazel eyes. He saw the pain and hurt and all the guilt Brian felt in that simple, desperate look at him. He realised in that moment that Brian obviously didn't know. He might have told himself that Justin still loved him, but since Justin had never said so out loud, he obviously hadn't believed it.

“Oh Brian... Jesus Christ... Why didn't you say something? Of course I love you,” Justin said sincerely, pulling the older man close and taking him in his arms. “I never stopped loving you. What do you think was the reason for me coming back to Pittsburgh in the first place? You! I wanted us to be us again. What do you think made forgiving you so easy for me? My love for you... Damn, Brian. I have always loved you and always will. I don't know how not to love you,” Justin whispered as he felt his own tears now run down his cheek.

“So you don't just want to reconcile for Luke's and Gus' sake?” Lisa went on asking, this time more quietly.

“What? No!” Justin exclaimed and when he looked at Brian's face, he cursed himself for not having realised that Brian had to have thought that was the only reason why Justin would want to reconcile with him.

He turned to his former fiance and looked at him from sincere eyes. “I love you Brian, more than anything or anyone I have ever loved and I want to reconcile because I miss you. I miss us. Yes, I want Luke and Gus to get the family they deserve, but... they are happy with the way things are now. They don't need us to reconcile, but I do. I need us back, Brian. I need you back!”

When he felt Brian pull him into a crushing hug, he hugged back for all he was worth. He needed the other man to know that he loved him and wanted him, not just the perfect family for his kids.

“Why didn't you tell me?” Justin whispered as Brian held him close.

“I was scared... Scared of what the truth might be,” Brian admitted quietly, looking into Justin's pools of blue.

“Never be scared of me, you hear me? We're in this together and not because Luke and Gus need us to be, but because I need us to be. I need you, Brian. Just as much as they do,” Justin whispered and Lisa smiled to herself.

She could feel the love between the two men opposite her and she knew that Brian had needed to hear from Justin directly how the young man felt. She smiled when she heard the blond chastise his partner for not talking to him.

“We need to talk, Brian. About whatever is bothering us, you hear me? Don't bottle these things up and don't be scared to ask me ever.”

She saw the brunet nod and decided to give the two men some privacy. When she got up, she winked at Justin who was watching her from the corner of his eye and mouthed to him that they had 10 minutes. She saw him smile at her gratefully, then left the office.

***

On their way home, Brian had fallen asleep in the passenger seat and Justin watched him from gentle, slightly concerned eyes. Brian had been emotionally exhausted after the therapy session and hadn't said much after they had left Lisa's office.

All the way home to Britin, Justin chastised himself for not having seen how much Brian had needed to hear him say that he still loved him. He had told Brian that he had forgiven him, but apparently that hadn't been enough to get through to him. Justin couldn't help but chuckle when he realised how much their relationship had changed. Back in the day it had always been him who had needed reassurance from Brian and who had needed Brian to say the words and now it seemed as if Brian needed to hear him say them just as much.

When he pulled up into the drive of Britin, he gently touched Brian's shoulder. “Hey Brian, we're home.”

He watched as hazel eyes slowly opened and looked at him in slight confusion. “We're home?”

Justin nodded. “You fell asleep pretty much the minute we left Lisa's parking lot.”

“Shit!” Brian mumbled as he stretched himself in the car.

“It's okay, Brian. You were exhausted,” Justin said, his voice full of understanding.

They made their way into the house and Justin made them some coffee. “Here,” he said as he put a cup in front of Brian. He stopped moving around the table to sit down, when he felt Brian grab his wrist. He frowned at Brian in confusion.

“Brian?”

“I've been thinking,” Brian started and Justin could hear the hesitance in his voice.

“Okay.”

“Would you...do you want to...,” Brian started, but then stopped again when he couldn't quite decide on the right words to use.

“Brian, whatever it is, just tell me,” Justin whispered. “It's okay.”

“Do you want to go out for dinner on Saturday?” Brian rushed out and Justin couldn't help but laugh when he saw the older man flush crimson once he had finished.

“Are you asking me on a date?” Justin joked, but immediately stopped when he saw Brian's face fall. Apparently Brian was still feeling more insecure than Justin had assumed. “I would love to,” Justin answered sincerely, his eyes locking on Brian's. “But what about the boys?”

“I am sure one of the grandmothers or uncles would be willing to watch them,” Brian mused, running his hand through his hair.

“Then we have a date,” Justin smiled one of his sunshine smiles and leaned closer to Brian with obvious mischief shining in his eyes. “You do know what day is Saturday, don't you?”

When Brian frowned in confusion, Justin couldn't help but smile at him.

“It's Valentine's Day. This will be our first Valentine's Date,” Justin said with a sunshine smile that lit up the whole room. “I can't wait.”

With that he left the room and a cursing Brian behind. He laughed when he heard Brian mutter several expletives. Some things would never change.

Chapter 31

Four days later, Justin was getting ready in his bedroom for his big date with Brian. Ever since asking him out, Brian hadn't talked to him about the date anymore and for a day or two Justin had even suspected that Brian would try to play it off as if he had forgotten about ever asking. After all Justin had been sure that Brian wouldn't be caught dead on a Valentine's day date. Having resigned himself to spending a day at home with his sons, he had been more than surprised when Debbie and Carl had shown up an hour earlier and had urged him to get himself ready.

Coincidentally, Brian had disappeared about thirty minutes before that. He had told Justin that he needed to go to the shop to get some additional milk and had then taken off. To say that Justin had been surprised by Debbie and Carl showing up, had been an understatement. Debbie had only chuckled at his confusion and had led him up to his room, pointing to his bed where Brian had to already have laid out some clothes, because Justin sure as hell knew these clothes weren't his.

“What are you staring at, Sunshine? Get yourself ready!” Debbie had urged him and had then pushed him into his room. “You've got one hour. Not a minute longer.”

And now here Justin was, dressed in black dress pants and a light blue shirt, covered by a black dress jacket. He had left the top two buttons of the shirt open, exposing some of his alabaster skin. As he looked at himself in the mirror, he had to admit that Brian had good taste. The light blue shirt really brought out the blue of his eyes and the dark black suit worked well with his light skin and blond hair. Looking at himself, Justin had to admit that he liked what he was seeing.

“Papa, are you ready?” Luke asked as he knocked on the door.

Justin smiled at his son as he opened the door and couldn't help but laugh when his son's eyes widened dramatically. “What? Do I look that bad?”

“No, you look beautiful, Papa,” Luke said seriously, looking his father up and down. As he ran his hand down his father's arm in the jacket, he couldn't help but stare. “Really beautiful, Papa.”

Justin smiled to himself and ruffled his son's hair. If he had ever had any doubt whose son his son was, now he knew for sure. Luke was clearly Brian Kinney's son. The way Luke had looked him up and down had reminded him of all the times Brian would look at him whenever he had to dress up.

“Grandma Debbie says you have to come down now,” Luke informed his father and smiled when he was picked up and hugged close by him.

“Then we better don't keep her waiting.”

Together they made their way down the stairs and Justin had to laugh when he saw Debbie, Gus and Carl waiting for him at the bottom of the stairs. “What is this? My wedding day?”

“Let's not jump ahead of ourselves, won't we?” Carl said seriously, though his face had a gentle smile as he looked at Justin.

Once he had made his way down the stairs, Justin let Luke down and straightened his jacket.

“You look breathtaking, honey. If I didn't have Carl here and were ten years younger, I'd eat you,” Debbie chuckled as she pinched his cheek.

“Gay, Debbie. Remember?” Justin snorted as he tried to avoid her pinching to save his cheeks.

“A bit of experimenting never hurt anyone, Sunshine,” Debbie cackled, before she wiped some imaginary dirt from his shoulder.

“You look really nice, Papa,” Gus also complimented his father and smiled at him brightly.

“Thank you, buddy.”

“Daddy asked me to give you this,” the boy said as he held out a wrapped box to Justin.

Justin stared at the box for the longest time without moving. New clothes, now a present. What was Brian doing? He had asked him for dinner, nothing more.

“You have to open it, Papa,” Luke urged after Justin had been immobile for too long in his opinion.

“Right,” Justin agreed and took the box from Gus.

As he unwrapped the box, he couldn't help but smile when he saw what it contained. A box of Ghirardelli Chocolate, his favourite chocolate in the world. He had to laugh when he saw the box and couldn't help but think back to a day so many years ago when Brian and Justin had talked about their favourite kind of chocolate (Brian claiming that he didn't like any chocolate) and Justin had admitted that Ghirardelli was his favourite chocolate. Brian had teased him endlessly for being a WASP through and through and having expensive taste in everything. His heart warmed at the thought of Brian remembering that conversation as well.

“What is it, Papa?” Luke and Gus pretty much asked at the same time and Justin held out the box of chocolate to them.

“My favourite chocolate,” he explained as the boys frowned at the contents of the box.

“That's cool,” Gus agreed half-heartedly, obviously having expected something bigger, more expensive than some pieces of chocolate.

“I think it's sweet,” Carl said and Justin had to nod.

When he was about to reply something, they heard a car honking outside.

“I think your chariot awaits, Sunshine,” Debbie announced and went to open the main door. She whistled, obviously impressed by what she was seeing.

Justin walked over to her and stopped in his tracks. “Jesus Christ,” he gasped as he saw the long, black limousine standing in Britin's driveway.

“He has never been able to do things without the grand gesture, you know that Sunshine,” she said quietly, as she watched Justin's face. Justin could only nod dumbly, before he regained control of his facial expression. He said goodbye to his sons and Debbie and Carl and then walked over to the limousine, where the driver held the door open to him.

“Mr. Taylor, it's a pleasure. We should be about 30 minutes. Please sit back and relax. If you want a drink, the minibar is fully stocked.”

Justin thanked the driver and sat down in the spacious limousine. He waved at his sons once more, before the door was closed behind him.

“Jesus Christ,” he muttered to himself, once he was alone. What was Brian thinking?

After a 30 minute drive, they had reached their destination and the limousine stopped. Justin had been too caught up in his own thoughts to pay much attention to where they were going and he frowned in confusion when he saw the door open and recognised Brian's old home on the corner of Fuller and Tremont. The loft? Why were they at the loft? Maybe they would be picking up Brian here, but then Justin remembered that Brian had rented out the loft to some other guy and it wasn't his anymore, so to speak. Weird.

When Justin didn't move, the driver coughed politely. “The top floor, Mr. Taylor,” he announced with a friendly nod to the building.

Justin was even more confused, but in the end got out of the limousine and made his way to the main door of the building. As he stood in front of the closed door, he rang the bell. Without having to announce himself on the intercom, the door buzzed and he went inside. He stepped into the elevator, a feeling of nostalgia taking hold of him. It had been six years since he had last been in this elevator and had last gone up to Brian's loft. Back then he had been young, naive and so in love. He had been ready to take on the art world, knowing that he would have Brian by his side as a loving partner. After Brian had proposed he had known that he and Brian would stay together even through the spacial separation. He had been sure of that even after they had cancelled their wedding. Cancelling their wedding had never been about not loving each other. Never that.

Smiling ruefully at how his life hadn't exactly worked out the way he had expected it to back then, he forced himself to get a grip as he heard the elevator arrive on the top floor. He got out and walked over to the loft door which immediately opened to him and gasped when he saw the inside of the loft which was an endless sea of candles. There were candles everywhere. On the floor, on the kitchen counter, on the stairs leading up to the platform bed. Absolutely everywhere. There had to be hundreds of them.

“Welcome to Casa Kinney,” Brian announced quietly, as he stepped up to Justin's side with a gentle smile on his face.

“Jesus Christ,” Justin exclaimed as he still took in the sea of candles that was Brian's loft.

“Actually, Brian will do,” Brian smirked and that joke got Justin to come out of his shock. He actually snorted at Brian's reply and playfully hit him on the arm.

“That's not nice, Justin. You should be more grateful. This was fucking hard work,” Brian complained good-naturedly.

“How?” Justin just asked as he slowly stepped inside the loft.

“There are these things called lighters. Really handy, you know?” Brian winked at the still surprised man.

Justin took a deep breath and forced himself to get a grip. He turned to Brian with smiling eyes. “I thought you were renting the loft to some old dude.”

Brian shrugged. “The lease was up a couple of weeks ago and I decided not to extend it.”

“Why not?”

“Aren't you curious? Well, first and foremost because I figured a place in the city might come in handy every once in a while and secondly because being a landlord is more work than it sounds like and quite frankly I don't need the money. So I decided to just save myself the time and keep the loft for myself.”

“Why are we here?”

“Don't tell me you're disappointed. I know it's not a 5-star restaurant, but I thought the ambiance was quite nice anyway,” Brian said, hiding his obvious disappointment at Justin's lack of enthusiasm.

“I love it, Brian. It's absolutely beautiful, I just don't understand why we're here,” Justin clarified, looking at the taller man next to him.

He could see Brian shuffle nervously from one foot to the other and run a hand through his hair. Brian was actually nervous and Justin wasn't quite sure if he had ever seen something more endearing than a nervous Brian.

“It's a special place,” Brian said seriously. “It's where everything started,” he muttered as he lowered his head.

Justin reached out to grab the older man's hand and squeezed it tightly. “I love it. It's really special and absolutely breathtaking.”

Brian smiled slightly, allowing himself to believe Justin's words. He squeezed back and then pulled Justin further into the loft, leading him over to the dining-table which was covered by a white table cloth and had two vases standing on it. One was filled with red roses, the other was filled with yellow daffodils. Justin wondered about the choice of flowers. He got the red roses, after all this was a date and it was Valentine's day, but the meaning of the daffodils was lost on him.

“You look beautiful,” Brian whispered as he pulled out the chair for Justin.

Justin blushed in reaction. He didn't know why, Brian had called him beautiful many times before, but somehow hearing it now, after everything they had been through, sent a shiver down his spine.

“You're quite nice to look at yourself,” Justin responded as he appreciatively looked Brian up and down. Brian was wearing a black Hugo Boss suit with a white dress shirt and looked absolutely stunning as far as Justin was concerned. He just loved seeing Brian in suits and one of the advantages of living with the man was that he often got to see him in his professional suits when he was on his way to Kinnetik. A sight that would never get old for Justin.

As Justin sat down, he ran a hand over one of the red roses. “If I didn't know any better, I'd say you are quite the romantic, Mr. Kinney.”

“I guess I can have my moments,” Brian smirked as he moved over to his side of the table. He got the bottle of wine he had stored there and poured some for Justin and himself.

“What's with the daffodils?” Justin asked, nodding in the direction of the vase with the yellow flowers.

When Brian saw his curious expression, he couldn't help but tease. “Can't figure that one out, Mr-I-got-1500-on-my-SATs?”

Justin snorted in reply. “I am actually proud at myself for recognising that those are daffodils. Flowers were never my strong suit.”

“Daffodils are representing forgiveness, new beginnings and rebirth. I figured that was quite fitting for this evening.”

Justin nodded and then took a sip from his glass of wine. He hadn't expected anything at all after Brian hadn't mentioned their dinner again at all after asking him and now here he was in the nicely decorated loft being dined and wined, having red roses and having received chocolates earlier. He was duly impressed by Brian's romantic streak.

“You know, I might start expecting all this for every date now,” Justin said in wonderment and laughed out loud when he heard Brian's groan.

“Don't do that to me, Justin. Please,” Brian pleaded dramatically and Justin only smiled at him.

“You seem to be handling yourself just fine, Mr. Kinney. I doubt I can forget that.”

“You have no idea how many Xanax I had to take earlier to get to this point,” Brian muttered, but immediately thought better of his joke as he saw Justin's concerned expression. “I was joking! I didn't take any medication. I got here all on my own,” Brian explained as he sat down opposite Justin at the dining-table.

“Why go through all this trouble? I would have been happy with just a table at Papagano's,” Justin said quietly, once more taking in the room and how beautiful it looked.

“Have you tried booking a table at anything that is not a greasy diner just days before Valentine's Day?”

“We could have rescheduled,” Justin pointed out.

“You just wanted to see my embarrassment again when I had to ask you a second time for a new date,” Brian chuckled and Justin joined in seconds later.

“What can I say? You got me...,” he admitted, before he turned serious. “I am glad you asked me, Brian. This is lovely.”

“I am glad I asked you, too,” Brian admitted and they stared into each other's eyes for the longest time without saying anything else. They didn't need words to continue their conversation. Their eyes and hearts were doing all the talking that was needed.

After what felt like forever, but was probably only ten minutes, Brian got up and got their food from the kitchen. He had prepared Justin's favourite, Cannelloni filled with spinach and ricotta as well as a side salad, some baguette and of course some Italian tiramisu to end their Valentine's dinner.

Conversation flowed easily all throughout dinner and both Brian and Justin were surprised by how well they seemed to get on even without the boys present. It was good to know for both of them that they could also spend time together alone and didn't just get on when one or both of their sons were with them.

Once dinner was finished, they moved over to the sofa and looked out at the Pittsburgh skyline from the big loft windows as they finished the bottle of wine. When they had also finished their bottle of wine, Brian announced that they should probably relieve Debbie and Carl of their babysitting duties and that it was time to return home. Justin agreed with him, even though the thought of leaving the loft again made him sad. He had enjoyed himself immensely this evening and had had a really good time with Brian.

He helped Brian blow out all the candles which took them longer than Justin had expected and made them make some inappropriate jokes about blowing things that were not dicks. Laughing like teenagers, they finally made their way out of the loft around midnight.

The driver had patiently waited for them and drove them back to Britin. On the drive there, Brian draped his arm around Justin's shoulder and smiled inwardly when Justin leaned into him with a content sigh.

“I really enjoyed myself tonight, Brian,” Justin said honestly, as he took Brian's hand in his and entwined their fingers. “Thank you.”

“It was my pleasure, Justin.”

Justin frowned when he heard Brian call him Justin again and he couldn't help but wonder why Brian would now call him by his name. Brian and Debbie had been the two people who had only ever called him Justin when they had been angry with him, every other time he had been Sunshine to both of them. Debbie still called him Sunshine, but he couldn't remember when Brian had used his nickname the last time. The more he thought about it, the more he realised that Brian hadn't called him Sunshine ever since he had reappeared in his life.

“Why don't you ever call me Sunshine anymore?” Justin asked quietly, never letting go of Brian's hand. He could feel Brian tense and cursed himself for destroying the atmosphere of what had been a great evening. He was just about to tell Brian to just ignore him, when Brian answered in a voice hardly above a whisper.

“It's not my place to use that name anymore.”

“Why not?” Justin asked, not quite sure he understood what Brian meant.

“I lost that right a long time ago,” Brian said sadly, not looking at Justin, but staring out the window at the passing scenery.

“What if I tell you, you got it back?” Justin whispered as he squeezed their entwined hands. “I miss hearing you call me Sunshine,” he admitted. “It always made me feel special somehow.”

“You are special,” Brian agreed, turning to look at Justin from his hazel eyes.

“Special enough to be your Sunshine again?” Justin asked from wide, shining blue eyes, which also held a hint of hope in them.

“Always, Sunshine,” Brian whispered gently, as he leaned closer to kiss the blond on the forehead. He smiled when he felt Justin move even closer to him and was rewarded with a blinding smile from the younger man.

Just as he was about to say something about that smile, the car stopped and they had arrived back home. Brian sighed, feeling like their arrival had interrupted a special moment.

He helped Justin out of the limousine and paid the driver a handsome tip, before he went off. When he saw the back lights of the limousine disappear down the drive of Britin, Brian followed Justin into the house. He found the younger man chatting with a tired-looking Debbie, who was cuddled into an already sleeping Carl by her side.

“You're back,” she said quietly, not wanting to wake up her husband. “How was your night, Sunshine?”

“Beautiful, absolutely breathtaking really,” Justin enthused and was smiling from ear to ear. Debbie saw the happiness in the younger man and couldn't help but feel happy herself. Maybe Brian and Justin would be able to work everything out in time. She was definitely rooting for them. Her surrogate sons deserved some happiness with each other, she was sure of that.

When Brian saw a sleeping Carl, he offered Debbie one of the guest bedrooms, but the redhead declined the offer, claiming that her own bed was way more comfortable and that she would be driving. She winked at Brian that she knew a thing or two about waking up her husband and when Brian claimed that she was giving out TMI, everyone chuckled.

Carl roused from his sleep and soon after he and Debbie were on their way back to Pittsburgh. Brian closed the door after them and looked at Justin who was standing close behind him.

“I guess this is the point where I take you home to your house and say goodnight,” Brian whispered, holding out his arm to Justin who took it as he was laughing at Brian's antics.

They climbed the stairs together and Brian led Justin up the stairs to his bedroom. They stopped in front of Justin's door and looked into each other's eyes for the longest time.

“Goodnight, Sunshine,” Brian whispered, leaving a kiss on Justin's forehead. He then turned around and made his way down to his own bedroom without a further glance. If he looked at Justin any longer, he couldn't promise to control himself and wouldn't be responsible for his actions. Justin looked too good to eat and it had cost Brian all his self-control to not do anything inappropriate for this early stage of their new relationship. He had sworn to let Justin set the pace and he didn't want to destroy what new level of friendship and relationship they had built this night by thinking with his dick and not his head. He had to be patient, no matter how hard that might be.

Brian was just about to open his bedroom door, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around to look at Justin and frowned at the blond. Justin looked nervous, as if he wanted to say something, but didn't quite know how to.

“Is everything okay, Sunshine?” Brian asked, feeling his heart swell at the use of his nickname for Justin. He had missed using that name, but really hadn't felt like it was his place to use any longer after everything he had done to the younger man and his heart had nearly exploded when the younger man had explained to him that he missed hearing that nickname from him.

Justin nodded and looked at Brian from shining eyes. “You forgot something,” he said quietly and Brian frowned in confusion.

“I did?”

Justin nodded eagerly and moved closer to Brian. He invaded Brian's personal space and Brian gasped slightly when he felt the smaller man's arms close around his neck, pulling him even closer.

Their lips were about to touch and Brian could feel the happiness that coursed through his body at the prospect of this kiss. He groaned in disappointment when Justin's lips barely touched his, then pulled back slightly to say something.

“You forgot the part where I get to thank you for this amazing night by kissing you senseless,” he murmured, before he moved his lips closer once more. This time their lips touched and met in the slightest of contact. The kiss was chaste and filled with love and a promise of more. They kissed like that for several seconds, feeling like insecure teenagers sharing their first kiss together, before Justin took control of the kiss and forced entrance to Brian's mouth with his tongue. Once he had entered Brian's mouth, they began the age old duel of tongues and lips that they had perfected over their five-year non-relationship. Kissing to them was like an addiction and both of them sighed happily as they got their first fix in six years.

This kiss had been long overdue, neither of them had to say it, but they both agreed silently, as their tongues clashed and the passion slowly began to take over.

Chapter 32

They kissed for what felt like hours and at one point Justin had started to rip off Brian's jacket. Brian had sighed eagerly and had taken off Justin's jacket as well. Promising himself that he would let Justin set the pace of their reunion, Brian chuckled into the kiss when he felt small hands making short work of his shirt buttons by merely ripping the shirt open when the buttons wouldn't open fast enough for the younger man.

“Eager much?” Brian laughed into the kiss and in response was nearly jumped by the blond who kissed him only more fervently.

Brian kissed him back just as passionately and enjoyed the taste and feeling of Justin being back in his arms. God, how he had missed being this close to him. God, how he had missed the reactions that Justin's kiss was causing in his body. How he had missed running his hand through the blond's hair and down his chest, how he had missed the feel of the smaller hands on his own, now naked chest.

He gasped when Justin pinched his right nipple and felt his cock harden even more. By now Brian felt like he was about to burst. Justin didn't seem willing to slow down any and started to move his hands down Brian's chest and to his pants. When the hands stopped on his belt and began making short work of it, Brian forced himself to pull back from their kiss. He smiled to himself when he heard Justin's disappointed sigh.

“I won't be able to stop if you go any further,” Brian warned him and his heart nearly burst when he saw blue eyes looking back at him, filled with a deep hunger and passion, but most of all love.

“Don't want to stop, need you, Brian,” Justin breathed out as he flung himself at Brian's chest and started leaving featherlight kisses all over Brian's upper body. “Want you, can't wait any longer,” he whispered inbetween his kisses.

“God, Sunshine. You're fucking killing me here,” Brian groaned when he felt his nipple being bitten.

“Missed this, Brian,” Justin murmured as he moved his mouth down Brian's chest to his navel.

“Missed this, too. You've got no idea,” Brian gasped as Justin stuck his tongue into his navel. Brian's navel had always been an erogenous zone for him and it drove him out of his mind when Justin lavished it with attention.

Justin once again moved his hands to Brian's pants and opened them. He looked up at Brian and smirked when their eyes met. “Still going commando, I see.”

Brian only shrugged in response. “What can I say, I like the artistic freedom.”

In reply Justin snorted. Once he had gotten himself under control again, he moved his hands to Brian's hips and was about to push the pants down. He frowned when he felt Brian's hands on his own, stilling his movements.

“Brian?” Justin looked up at him from confused, slightly hurt eyes as well. He wondered if Brian had stopped his actions because he didn't want Justin to give him a blowjob. Brian had always loved his blowjobs and had claimed more than once that Justin gave the best head in the world, but maybe Justin had misinterpreted his earlier enthusiasm and they weren't ready for this yet.

Brian slowly pulled Justin up and pulled him close, holding the younger man tight in his arms.

“Let's not do this here, please,” Brian whispered.

“Brian?” Justin frowned at the older man, not sure why they had stopped. Seconds ago Justin had been ready to go down on Brian and now here they were standing and talking.

“I want this, Justin, more than you know,” Brian had to smile to himself when he felt Justin relax in his arms and saw him smile back at him with his sunshine smile. “But not here. Not a quick blowjob in the hallway. I want us to do this properly. It's been so long,” he whispered as he turned slightly around and opened the door to the master bedroom.

“I didn't nearly kill myself to give you romance all night only to end the night with a quick fuck in the hallway.”

Justin's eyes shone with happiness as he looked at Brian and then followed the man into the master bedroom. He closed the door behind himself and looked at Brian who was slowly walking over to the bed. Once Brian sat down on the edge, he motioned for Justin to follow him. Once Justin sat down next to him, he put his hand under the blond man's chin and looked him deeply into his eyes with a gaze that bore right into Justin's soul.

“So are you coming or going? Or coming and then going? Or coming and staying?” Brian whispered and leaned in to catch Justin's lips in another hot, searing kiss. He smiled to himself when he heard Justin's breathless reply a few minutes later when they had to come up for air.

“Coming and staying,” he stated with conviction, his eyes shining with happiness and most of all lust. He leaned closer into Brian's body and pushed the older man down on the bed. Brian slowly moved them up to the head of the bed, the whole time keeping in contact with Justin. They never stopped kissing and never stopped touching each other. It almost felt as if they were thirsty men who had just been given their first glass of water in days. They just couldn't stop drinking each other's presence in.

After several more minutes of touching and kissing, Justin once again moved down to Brian's pants and this time pulled them down, allowing Brian's hardened cock to spring to attention.

“A true beauty,” Justin admired before he slowly leaned down and took the long shaft into his mouth. He started licking around the head, lavishing it with attention from his tongue before he moved down to suck on the shaft. Brian's gasps became louder and Justin couldn't help but smirk. Apparently Brian still loved his blowjobs if his reaction was anything to go by.

Brian's hand was buried in Justin's hair, keeping his head in place as the man was sucking down on his erection, every once in a while changing pace and bestowing kisses and gentle licks on his hardened member.

“Jeez, Sunshine. You still know how to give the best head in the world,” Brian gasped, nearly unable to get enough breath to voice his thoughts. It was amazing what Justin's mouth was doing to him and the sensations the younger man's mouth on his penis were causing him.

Justin only smirked happily and then groaned deeply as he tasted the first drops of precum. God, how he had missed the taste that was so uniquely Brian. How he had missed the feel of Brian's cock down his throat, how he had missed the smell of Brian's pubic hair in his nose as he blew the older man. All those well known sensations came back to him and he felt nearly overcome with emotion when he realised how much he had missed this and how much he had needed this.

When Justin changed pace once more and changed from soft licks to quick deepthroating, he felt the telltale signs of Brian's impending orgasm. He felt the muscles in the other man's stomach contract and prepared himself for what was coming. He couldn't wait for Brian to shoot his load into his waiting mouth. God, how much he had missed that taste.

When Brian finally exploded, screaming Justin's name in ecstasy as he came, Justin couldn't help but look at the hazel eyes that were nearly black now with passion with a look of pure happiness himself.

After Brian had emptied his seed into Justin's mouth, Justin licked his now limp dick clean and moved up to the man's side, snuggling into the side of the panting man who was still trying to catch his breath.

“That was amazing...”

Justin only smiled in return and removed a stray strand of sweaty hair from Brian's forehead before he leaned in and kissed the man passionately, allowing Brian to taste himself in his mouth.

Both man groaned and they kissed for several minutes before Brian pulled back and looked at Justin seriously. “You're definitely still wearing way too many clothes, Sunshine,” he pointed out with a wink and Justin could only agree. Unlike Brian he was still dressed in his pants and shirt and it was time to change that. He quickly undressed too and then snuggled back into Brian's waiting arms.

“I missed this,” he sighed happily as he ran his hand across Brian's stomach.

“Me too, Sunshine,” Brian agreed, hugging the younger man closer. When he felt Justin's erection press into his thigh, Brian couldn't help but smirk. “How about I repay your favour first though?”

Justin turned on his back and smiled a sunshine smile at his partner. “I wouldn't complain.”

“Then I better get onto it,” Brian smiled and moved down Justin's body leaving featherlight kisses everywhere on the younger man's chest and abdomen. He followed the sparse trail of hair down from Justin's navel to his pubic hair and grinned when a hard erection awaited him.

“I love when you greet me like that,” he smiled before he got down and took in Justin's long, hard shaft, returning the younger man's earlier favour.

Once Justin had come as well and both man felt sated for the moment, Brian moved back up to the top of the bed and lay down next to the younger man.

“Not bad,” he announced and Justin could only help but frown, not quite sure what Brian was refering to. His frown had to have told Brian about his confusion, so he continued. “Apparently we still got it, even after all these years.”

“We always had it,” Justin said silently, laying his head on Brian's chest, listening to the man's heartbeat which had always had a calming effect on him. In their earlier days Brian had often teased him for being a hopeless romantic and a lesbian for admitting that truth, but now Brian stayed quiet and just wrapped his arms around the younger man. They were actually cuddling. Justin was about to comment on that, but then stopped himself, not wanting to break the moment. He was beyond happy and he didn't want to risk that by sending Brian running over the hills because of a remark that he hadn't thought through. Though after their earlier night and judging by the way Brian was holding him close now, Justin wasn't sure if maybe Brian wouldn't stay where he was even if Justin commented on them cuddling. But better be safe than sorry he told himself and gently ran his fingers over Brian's muscled abdomen. Brian was still as fit as he had always been and to Justin he was still the sexiest man alive.

Justin sighed happily, but stopped when his fingers found a small bump on Brian's lower abdomen. He moved his eyes down to see what his fingers had found and frowned even more when he saw a small, slightly reddened area of scar tissue. He couldn't help running his fingers along it gently and frowned when Brian tensed underneath him.

“Brian?” he asked gently, moving his eyes away from the scar to the man's eyes. He was shocked when he saw that they were glassy and Brian seemed to be fighting back tears.

“What's going on?” Justin asked in obvious concern, leaning on his elbow, looking at the man beneath him.

“It's the scar of the caesarean when Luke was born,” Brian whispered and ran his hands through his hair. “I am sorry, I know I promised you not to feel guilty anymore, but...,” Brian stopped, fighting to find the right words.

“Shhhhhh,” Justin whispered as his fingers once again started trailing the soft scar. “I know it's not easy and I know it'll take time, but you'll get there. We will. I know we will,” he said with conviction and Brian could only be amazed once again by the man's belief in him and their relationship.

“Tell me about it, Brian,” Justin whispered looking down at the pained hazel eyes from shining, loving blue ones.

“Tell you what?”

“About Luke being born, the pregnancy. I want to know,” he said sincerely, his fingers never stopping their caress of the scar.

“Justin, let's not do this,” Brian pleaded with the younger man, but knew he had lost when he saw the intensity with which blue eyes were looking at him.

“I really want to know, Brian. I think... I need to know and you need to tell me. We need this,” he said seriously as he leaned down and kissed Brian gently.

They kissed for several minutes before they broke apart to catch their breaths. Justin once again settled in his earlier position with his head on Brian's chest and pleaded with the older man once more. “Tell me, Brian. Please.”

After several minutes of silence he was pleased to hear Brian's quiet voice as he began telling him about his pregnancy.

“When I found out about being pregnant, I felt shocked. Really, it was the only emotion I was feeling at the time. I couldn't believe it. I mean, we've always used protection and god knows we knew how to use it, but still there I was, pregnant with our child. That lasted only for about two minutes and then I felt this happiness spread through my body. We had created this baby and we had created life. It might not have been planned and it might not have happened the way I had imagined, but I couldn't help but feel happy anyway. The pregnancy was an easy one, thank God. I went through some morning sickness as you know only I didn't know at the time what it was. After that, it was pretty much an easy pregnancy. I spent months getting Britin ready and preparing a room for Luke and having Gus here with me, talking to his yet unborn baby brother in my belly made me happier than I ever thought I could be. I... I know I shouldn't say that, not with what happened between us and what I did, but... I was happy, Justin. I was happy to be carrying this child and I was loving him more and more with every second I was pregnant.”

“You don't need to feel bad about being happy, Brian,” Justin whispered, gently running his fingers over the scar. “I am glad you got to enjoy the pregnancy. I know it might be hard to understand, but I am glad that whatever happened between us, didn't make your pregnancy a bad experience.”

“The knowledge that we had created something as beautiful as a new life kept me going, Sunshine. The knowledge that I would always have a part of you with me, no matter where you were or what our relationship was. Those thoughts pulled me through any bad moments I had really.”

“Tell me about his birth,” Justin urged gently after he had nodded at Brian's explanation. As weird as it sounded, he could understand the older man. Luke had pulled him through the first hard weeks of being back in Pittsburgh. He didn't doubt for a second that his unborn son had also been able to give Brian the same strength back in the day.

“It hurt like a motherfucker,” Brian said emphatically and Justin could only snort in reaction to Brian's choice of words.

“No, really. Try being fucked without lube by a rhino,” Brian emphasised only making Justin laugh harder.

Brian gave him a few minutes to calm down before he continued.

“The moment they pulled him out of me though, all the pain was forgotten. It was all gone, not even a memory of it left. All I could think was: We have created this human being. We did it! He was a perfect mixture of you and me and I immediately fell in love with him. He's been such a joy from the beginning. Such a happy baby. A fucking loud baby when he cried for hours on end at night, mind you, but still a happy baby. He made me forget all about the bad things in my life and he and Gus became my sole reason for being. Their happiness was my utmost goal in life.”

“You're a great father, Brian,” Justin assured Brian, knowing that due to his own troubled childhood Brian had always doubted his abilities as a father. “Gus and Luke couldn't be luckier than having you as their father.”

“You're not quite so bad yourself,” Brian retorted with a gentle smile. “They adore you, Justin. I think they love you more than they love me. If you wouldn't make them so damn happy, I'd be raging with jealousy,” he muttered and looked up when he felt Justin's hand lift up his chin so they were looking at each other.

“Brian, it's only because I'm the new one. The new person in their lives. They love you just as much as they always have. You just wait for the excitement of me being here to die down and then they'll get bored of my ass pretty soon. Once I start being mean and dealing out punishments, they'll be wishing I had never turned up here,” Justin tried to joke, but realised quickly that his joke had fallen flat. Brian didn't look amused and Justin had to admit it had been a really bad one.

“I'm sorry, Brian. It was a bad joke.”

“They love you, Justin. They will always want you around,” Brian said seriously, running his hand over Justin's naked backside in gentle, soothing movements.

“What about you?” Justin whispered, looking at Brian's hazel eyes with slight insecurity.

“I am never letting you go again,” Brian whispered, claiming the blond's lips with his own in a searing kiss. “I won't make the same mistake again, Sunshine. You're mine and you're here to stay. You better get used to it,” he said inbetween kisses.

“Good,” Justin nodded, “I don't plan on going anywhere. You better get used to that, too.”

“I think I can,” Brian winked as he pulled the younger man close and their kiss got more intense. Soon they were gasping and dry humping their erections against each other in a fevered rhythm.

As they were kissing, Justin put his arm on Brian's and slowly directed his partner's arm lower down his back until it settled on his round, plump ass.

He broke their kiss and looked into Brian's hesitant eyes from lust-filled, shining ones. “Please, Brian. I need you.”

Brian held his gaze for the longest time before he nodded slowly and ran his hand down Justin's ass, squeezing the round globes now and then. He carefully guided his index finger to Justin's hole and gently caressed the area, which resulted in the younger man gasping and moving his lower body back to press against Brian's hand.

“My, my, aren't you eager?” Brian chuckled and was rewarded by another push of Justin's ass in the direction of his finger. After teasing his partner for several more minutes, Brian finally had mercy and slowly entered the tight hole. Justin's breath hitched and his eyes closed in pure ecstasy.

“Jeez, you're tight, Sunshine. Almost tighter than I remember,” Brian whispered as he gently moved the tip of his index finger around, slowly pushing in a bit further.

“It's been a while,” Justin gasped, enjoying the feeling of being filled again. “Need lube.”

Brian nodded and removed his finger from Justin's hole which only resulted in a disappointed sigh from the younger man. When he made to get up from the bed, Justin frowned at him in confusion.

“Brian?”

“I'll need to get some from the bathroom,” he told Justin and quickly went into his ensuite. When he came back a few seconds later with a condom and lube, Justin couldn't help but laugh.

“No lube in your bedroom? Really, Brian?”

“Well, it's not like I needed it, did I?” Brian reasoned, his eyebrow raised in question.

“You didn't prepare for this?” Justin wiggled his eyebrows and his lower body, making Brian sigh.

“Honestly?” Brian asked and when Justin nodded, he continued. “No, I didn't. I didn't want to pressure you into anything you weren't ready for. I was hoping, yes, but I didn't dare to dream this might actually happen.”

Justin's eyes shone with emotion as he listened to Brian's sincere words and he couldn't help but feel the need to kiss the man again. He pulled Brian back into the bed and pulled his head down so they could share a passionate kiss.

“Thank you, Brian. I appreciate that,” Justin replied sincerely and looked the taller man deep into his eyes as he grabbed the bottle of lube and opened it. He squirted a generous amount onto his own fingers and then led them slowly down to his own ass, gently working the first finger in. Brian had always been incredibly turned on by Justin preparing himself and Justin grinned satisfied when he noticed that that hadn't changed. Brian's eyes were glazing over and he was panting as his own dick once more came to life and hardened painfully.

The whole time as Justin was preparing himself, his eyes never left Brian's and they held a silent conversation that only confirmed the depth of their feelings for each other. By the time Justin was done preparing himself, Brian's cock was already leaking and Justin couldn't help but urge Brian to lean down over him so Justin could take a quick lick.

“Sunshine, you better stop or I can't guarantee I'll still be able to fuck you,” Brian gasped as he felt Justin's tongue around the tip of his cock. Not wanting to risk a chance of losing out on a fuck from Brian, Justin let go off the erection with a painful sigh. He looked up at Brian from expectant, slightly nervous eyes.

“Just be careful. It's been a while,” the younger man whispered and Brian frowned at the tremor he heard in Justin's voice. Justin almost sounded nervous which made no sense to Brian. It was obvious that Justin wanted this, wanted them to have sex, so why was he nervous? He reminded Brian of their first time together, but Justin was hardly the same blushing virgin anymore that he had been back then.

“Are you sure you want to do this? We don't have to, Sunshine,” Brian said gently as he ran his hand along Justin's face.

Justin nodded eagerly, his eyes shining at Brian with all the love he was feeling. “Please, Brian. I need you inside me. Just... it's been a while.”

Brian frowned when Justin repeated that statement and he suddenly got an idea what Justin was hinting at. He couldn't believe it to be true, though.

“Just how long is a while, Justin?” He asked seriously, never ceasing his hand's movement on Justin's cheek.

“It doesn't matter, just fuck me, please!” Justin pleaded, rocking his hips and his own erection against Brian's to get his attention away from their conversation. He really didn't want to have this conversation right now.

“How long?” Brian only repeated, levelling his gaze with Justin's, making it clear that he expected an honest answer.

Justin sighed heavily and put his arm over his forehead, as if to hide away in embarrassment. “Six years, more or less...,” he muttered finally. He wanted to cry in frustration when he felt Brian's movements with his hand stop. “Brian, please... It's no big deal,” he whispered.

“Are you saying... that... I?” Brian asked from wide, surprised eyes. He had expected many things, but for Justin not to be fucked by anyone in the last six years ever since they had broken up had not been one of them.

Justin only nodded, not feeling as if he was able to form the words to confirm what he knew Brian had figured out correctly.

“How come? You love cock up your ass!” Brian exclaimed in shock.

“Your cock,” Justin muttered, before he looked at Brian once more. “Can you please not make a big deal out of this and get on with it? Six years has been a long time and I really, really crave your dick in my ass right now.”

“I just can't believe it,” Brian said once more in obvious astonishment.

Justin sighed, knowing that there was no way that Brian was going to fuck him anytime soon if they didn't talk first. “What's so hard to believe? I've never bottomed for anyone else after you. With other people I've only ever topped...”

“Well, I know you crave a good fuck just as much as any other good bottom,” Brian replied.

“From you, yes. From someone else, no! Never have, never will. You're the only one getting close to my ass.” Deciding to turn the tables on Brian, Justin raised an eyebrow at him when he asked. “How often have you been fucked since Luke?”

“Never,” Brian said seriously. “You know you're the only one getting close to my ass, Sunshine,” Brian smirked.

“Why is it so hard for you to understand that it might be the same for me? You're the only one getting close to my ass and I'd really appreciate if you could get on with it. Six years has been way too long already,” Justin said, before he decided to resolve to more drastic methods. He pulled his legs around Brian's waist and pulled the older man closer, rocking his hips so their cocks would touch and rub against each other. When he felt Brian shudder against him and heard his breath quicken, he smiled to himself. Distracting Brian with sex still worked apparently.

Brian only needed a minute to get over what he had just heard from Justin, feeling his rock hard cock rub against his own made him completely forget about all sense and reason. They dry humped for a few minutes, kissing lazily as they did, before Justin looked at Brian and urged in a lust-filled voice. “I need you, Brian. Please, fuck me.”

Brian's eyes locked on Justin's and he shook his head which frustrated the younger man to no end.

“Briiiiiaaaaannnnn, please!”

“I will make love to you, not fuck you. We can fuck some other time, but tonight we make love,” Brian whispered gently into Justin's ear as he kissed his earlobe and then travelled down his neck and shoulder until he moved back to his mouth.

They were kissing gently and Brian's hands were roaming Justin's torso while Justin's hands were running all over Brian's back and his ass, pulling him even closer.

Brian lined up his cock at Justin's entrance and looked his lover deep in the eyes as he slowly pushed in. He felt the resistance from the ring of muscle and stopped, allowing Justin to get used to the intrusion. He saw the quick flash of pain on the younger man's face and knew it was an unavoidable part of what they were doing, thank God it had merely been there for a second before it was replaced by love and most of all trust.

“Go on, Brian,” Justin urged once he was ready and their lips met in a gentle kiss as Brian slid all the way into Justin's tight hole.

“So tight, Sunshine,” Brian gasped as he felt the pressure around his cock. “Damn!”

“Love you, Brian,” Justin whispered as he felt complete for the first time in six years. He had missed the feeling of Brian's cock inside him and now that it was back, he felt as if he had come home. Yes, he told himself. This was his home. Making love with Brian in their family home that they shared with their sons. This was all he wanted in life.

“Love you, too, Sunshine. More than you'll ever know,” Brian replied gently, kissing Justin once more before he slowly started moving as well. This was perfect, this was what had been missing to make him as happy as he could be. But now here it was, here he had Justin in his bed, wanting him to make love to him and Brian hadn't felt as ecstatic and happy in a long time.

When they broke their kiss, he slowly started moving in and out of his Sunshine and their bodies met in a rhythm they had always known so well and had perfected over time. It didn't take either man long until they felt their climax built, but that didn't matter to either of them. All that mattered was that they were there, together, sharing this lovemaking.

Justin came first and spurted his seed all over his body and Brian's upper body and feeling the spasm run through Justin was all that Brian needed to come himself. He followed suit just seconds later and they both sighed happily as they collapsed in each other's arms.

“Love you,” Justin gasped and smiled when he heard the sentiment returned by a breathless Brian.

Chapter 33

Brian and Justin stayed in bed for what felt like hours, holding each other close and running their hands over the other man's body.

“Hmmmm, this is nice,” Justin murmured sleepily, his head on Brian's chest, listening to the older man's heartbeat.

Brian only nodded, feeling himself tire as well. If he didn't move, he'd fall asleep within minutes.

“We should get up, Sunshine,” he said quietly, stopping the slow movements of his fingers on Justin's back.

“Why?” Justin frowned, raising his head in an obvious look of confusion.

“Two reasons: Gus and Luke,” Brian chuckled as he quickly stole a kiss from the younger man who still looked confused. “I don't really look forward to them finding us like this,” Brian pointed at the rumpled sheets and Justin's cum on his chest to make his point.

Justin had to agree that Brian was actually right and reluctantly started to move away from Brian's body to the edge of the bed. “You should have had them stay at Debbie and Carl's place,” Justin chuckled as he shook his naked ass at Brian who was still lying in bed.

“Better get used to it, Sunshine. I don't plan on only having sex when they're staying somewhere else,” Brian winked, slowly starting to get off the bed as well.

Both men moved into the master bathroom and had a quick shower. For once it really only was a shower and Brian actually joked that they had to be getting old if they just had a shower and no sex.

“That's not us,” he muttered as he dried himself.

“Well, we can remedy that in the morning, but for now I am really tired,” Justin said, his point being underlined by the loud yawn that escaped his mouth.

Brian shook his head in amusement and then pulled Justin back into the bed with him. They both had the mind to put on some underwear before they cuddled once again in the middle of the bed. They had quickly pulled on the linen from all sides to make the bed look halfway presentable in case one of their sons came surprising them in the morning.

“What are we going to tell them?” Justin asked as he snuggled closer into Brian's warm body, once again resting his head on the brunet's chest.

“Lets not think about that now. Too much thinking has never helped us. We'll figure it out tomorrow,” Brian replied, feeling his eyelids getting heavier and heavier. He was definitely too tired for any serious conversation at that time of the night.

“Alright,” Justin murmured, already half asleep.

***

Brian groaned when he felt someone touch his hand and pull at it. He felt like he had only fallen asleep five minutes ago and groaned again for good measure. Without opening his eyes, he muttered, “What are you doing, Sunshine?”

“It's me, Daddy! Silly you,” he heard the voice of his younger son and forced himself to open one eye slowly. “Luke?”

“Yes, Daddy! Why are you still sleeping?” His son frowned at him, his arms crossed over his pyjama-clad chest.

“Because I am tired,” Brian mumbled, hoping against hope that Luke would somehow get the idea that he was tired and would let him sleep some more.

“You're never tired when I come to you, Daddy,” his son explained to him as if what he had just heard was the most outrageous statement ever.

“I am today,” Brian sighed, slowly forcing himself to also open his second eye. “What time is it?”

“6am.”

“Shit,” Brian exclaimed. He and Justin had only gotten into bed at 3.30am. Six am was definitely too early.

“Daddy, you said a bad word,” his son admonished, waving his finger in front of Brian's half-closed eyes.

“I am sorry, sonny boy. It's just way too early.”

“I am always up early.”

“Don't I know it,” Brian muttered, frowning when his arm wouldn't move as he had tried to move it to his forehead so he could rest it on his eyes. He turned to look to his side, wondering what had happened to his arm and smiled when he saw a still deeply asleep Justin lying on it. That explained why he couldn't move his arm and didn't feel his fingers.

Following his father's eyes, Luke's eyes got bigger when he realised that his father wasn't alone in his bed. “Daddy? Why is Papa in your bed?”

Brian groaned and wondered why he had told Justin that they didn't have to talk about what to say to their sons about their reunion. He was sure Justin would have known what to say.

“He was really tired last night and crashed here,” Brian tried to lie, but was rewarded by a stern gaze from his son, who had apparently looked right through that lie.

“His room is only on the next floor. He can't have been that tired,” Luke said in all seriousness.

“How would you know? You were already asleep,” Brian challenged his son.

“Grandma Debbie said she hoped you and Papa would recon...nile,” Luke said as he looked from Brian to Justin and back, obviously stumbling over the last word, a word Brian was surprised his son even knew.

“Reconcile,” Brian corrected gently and couldn't help but chuckle as he watched Luke's blond head nod eagerly.

“Yeah, that word.”

“Do you even know what that means?” Brian asked, looking at his son expectantly.

“That Papa now sleeps in your bed?”

“Kind of...,” Brian mumbled, holding up his blanket, urging his son to move into the bed with him. “Come here, sonny boy.”

Luke quickly climbed into the bed next to Brian and snuggled into his father's side as he listened to Brian's explanation.

“It means that people who have had a disagreement, make up again. Remember what I told you about me and your Papa?”

Luke nodded quickly. Of course he remembered how his father had told him that his second father was back and wanted to spend time with him. At the time Luke had been ecstatic and had suggested all kinds of things the three of them could do together, but his Daddy had then explained to him that he had done something bad years ago and because of that something bad his Papa didn't like his Daddy very much. If Luke was honest, he had been confused by that because from what he had seen his fathers got on really well. Certainly better than some of the parents of his friends from preschool if he trusted their stories from school.

“That Papa didn't like you very much because you had done something bad,” Luke replied solemnly. He couldn't believe that his Daddy would ever do something bad. His Daddy was the best.

“Yeah,” Brian agreed wistfully, looking from his son to Justin's still sleeping form.

“I think Papa likes you,” Luke whispered, as if he was afraid that Justin could hear what he had just said.

“You do?” Brian was intrigued, wondering where his son had gotten that idea.

“He always smiles when you're there and he told me when he took me to bed a few days ago.”

Brian raised an eyebrow. “You two talk about me?”

“Sometimes,” Luke said earnestly.

“Should I be worried?”

“Silly Daddy. No! I love you and Papa does too,” Luke said with a smile on his face.

“You're pretty sure there, sonny boy.”

“Because I know,” his son said seriously, looking at Brian as if he was extremely slow to understand.

“Well, I guess you're right. I love your Papa and your Papa loves me,” Brian said with a gentle smile on his lips as he looked at the blond man in his arms. He then returned his gaze to his son.

“That's good,” Luke nodded. “Does that mean you now love each other like Uncle Teddy and Uncle Blake do? Or Auntie Em and Drew?”

Brian felt like gagging when his son compared him and Justin to those two couples, but stopped himself from voicing his displeasure over those comparisons, remembering that his son didn't have that many good examples of relationships to compare them to and loved all four of his uncles very much.

“I guess,” Brian said slowly and he could have sworn that he felt Justin move in his arms. That shit was awake and was laughing to himself. He was probably enjoying Brian's discomfort at having to talk to their son about their newfound relationship.

“Does that mean Papa will always sleep here now?” Luke went on asking, not noticing Justin's slight movement.

“Nah, sonny boy,” Brian began seriously, winking at his son to show him that he was teasing. “He has really, really cold feet and you know how much I hate cold feet. And he's hogging the blanket. Look at how much blanket he's using and how little you and I have. I couldn't sleep like that every night for the rest of my life. That would be way too uncomfortable.”

Brian was interrupted by an outraged “Brian!” and a slap to his chest from Justin's left hand.

Both Brian and Luke had to laugh when they saw Justin's outraged expression on his face.

“Look who has joined the land of the living, sonny boy,” Brian winked, leaving a kiss on his son's hair.

“Papa!” His son exclaimed excitedly as he climbed over Brian's body, eliciting a loud “Ooohmph!” from his father as his foot gave an accidental kick to Brian's stomach.

Justin only smirked at the older man, his face saying “You deserved that” as he pulled Luke closer and helped him to cuddle under the blanket with him.

“Hey buddy,” Justin smiled at his son, running a hand through his blond locks. “What are you doing up this early?”

“Talking to Daddy,” Luke explained, looking from his Papa to his Daddy and enjoying being in the midst of a Daddy-Papa sandwich. He could get used to that.

“At 6am?” Justin raised an eyebrow.

“I always come here when I wake up. Daddy says you're a sleepyhead and can't deal with me before you've had two coffees.”

“Does he now?” Justin inquired, his eyebrow shooting up even more. He turned his gaze to Brian and saw the older man blush slightly. What a sight: Brian Kinney blushing because of something a five year old had said. Justin felt blessed to be present for that historic moment.

“Admit it, Sunshine, you are a sleepyhead and out of the two of us you're not the morning person,” Brian smirked.

“True,” Justin smiled as his answer was supported by a yawn. “This is way too early for me.”

He slowly settled down again, resting his head next to his son's. “Do you think we can catch another hour or two of sleep? Daddy is really tired, too.”

“Do we have to sleep?” Luke frowned at his Papa, surely there had to be something else they could do. Something more exciting.

“If you want me and Daddy to survive the day, yes,” Justin nodded, yawning some more.

“That would be nice,” Luke actually replied which made both Brian and Justin chuckle. Their son was too precious for words.

“Then sleep it is,” Justin confirmed as he left a small kiss on his son's forehead.

“Papa? Before you go to sleep, can I ask you one more question?” Luke asked quickly, afraid that his father, who had already closed his eyes again was already drifting off once more.

“Sure,” Justin nodded without opening his eyes.

“Will you always sleep here now? I like cuddling with you and Daddy,” his son said with his own version of a sunshine smile, settling between his two fathers, snuggling into both of them.

“I like it, too, buddy,” Justin agreed with a gentle smile on his lips as he opened his eyes once more and looked from his smiling son to Brian. “I think that can be arranged,” he whispered, as he met Brian's gaze and their eyes held a conversation of their own.

It spoke of love, newfound trust, a new connection that was being built and getting stronger by the minute. They joined their hands over their son's body and smiled at each other.

“To new beginnings,” Brian whispered as he squeezed Justin's hand in his.

“To new beginnings,” Justin agreed with a sunshine smile.

Soon after the three occupants of the bed had fallen asleep again and were only woken up two and a half hours later by a hungry big brother who had decided that he had waited as patiently as he could for his fathers.

When he was told the good news about their fathers' reunion from his small brother, he joined the cuddle session in the bed and all four Kinney-Taylor family members shared a big hug and lots of kisses, enjoying their newfound happiness over being reunited as a real family.

Epilogue

Justin opened his eyes and wasn't surprised when he felt a small body press into his side. Ever since he and Brian had reunited more than six months ago, it had become a Kinney-Taylor family tradition that both their sons would join them in bed on Saturday morning and they would all enjoy a good cuddle together to start the day.

Justin also wasn't surprised when he found that the body pressing into his was Gus' small frame. Forcing his eyes to open, he smiled when he saw the small boy leaning into him. Even though Gus was Brian's son, he was more like Justin than either of them cared to admit. Where Brian and Luke loved getting up early and would be up at the crack of dawn, Gus enjoyed sleeping in even more than Justin did and most weekends Brian and Luke would get bored waiting for their Papa and Gus to wake up and would desert the bed before either of them woke up again. It was a tradition that Brian and Justin would talk and cuddle with their sons when they came into their bed, but it was also a well known fact that Gus and Justin liked to go back to sleep for an additional hour or two afterwards. Many times Brian and Luke would just get up at one point and already prepare breakfast for the sleepyheads as Luke liked to call them.

Therefore Justin wasn't surprised when he saw that Brian's side of the bed was empty and he and Luke couldn't be found anywhere. They were probably already down in the kitchen preparing breakfast for the whole family.

Justin gently shook his son's shoulder and spoke to him quietly. “Gus? Hey, buddy... Time to wake up or your Daddy and Luke will hate us.”

The small boy reluctantly opened his eyes and turned to Justin. “Just one more hour? Please, Papa?” Gus tried, batting his hazel eyes at his father, knowing that he was pretty much helpless when Gus did that.

However today Justin knew that they didn't have time for that and could only chuckle at Gus' obvious attempt of getting his way.

“Not today, buddy. You know we'll have a full house later on. There's still lots to prepare. Tomorrow, I promise,” Justin smiled as he slowly climbed out of bed. He picked up his robe and watched as Gus sat up as well.

“It's Luke's birthday party, not mine. I think I can sleep some more. You don't need me,” the boy dramatically sighed, before falling back onto the mattress.

Justin laughed at Gus' antics and pulled the blanket away from the bed. “Not gonna work. Let's head down to breakfast. I think I can smell your Daddy's waffles.”

It had been Luke's birthday earlier that week and today all their family and friends would come over to celebrate with a nice barbecue and party in their garden.

As they made their way into the kitchen, Justin smiled at what he saw there. Luke was helping Brian transfer the waffles from the waffle maker to a plate and they were having a serious discussion about what kind of toppings would work best with the waffles.

Justin couldn't help but be amused as he saw Brian discuss the pro's and con's of peanut butter, cream and Luke's favourite Nutella as if he was discussing a contract with a client. Brian was dead serious and listened to whatever Luke had to say, pointing out flaws in his son's arguments whenever he saw one.

Seeing Brian with Luke and Gus always warmed Justin's heart. Brian was the embodiment of a good father. While Justin had always known that Brian had it in him to be the best father a kid could wish for, Brian had been more doubtful of himself and still was at times, but thanks to many long conversations and the smiles on their happy sons' faces, Brian had slowly accepted that he might have done something right as a father. His sons loved him and so did Justin.

They had come a long way since they had made up after Valentine's. For the first couple of months Brian had continued talking to his therapist and often Justin had joined him for sessions, both of them feeling the need to get their relationship right this time and to make it work for their sons' sake as much as for themselves. Seeing the therapist had helped Brian cope with his issues of guilt and self-doubt and had made him a better partner as far as Justin was concerned.

It had taken him some time to accept that Brian wasn't the man anymore that had cancelled a wedding with him five years ago, but that now he had a better, improved version of that man as his partner. Brian now talked about his feelings and together they would talk about their fears, their dreams and their wishes for themselves and their family. They had quickly realised that for both of them their sons' happiness was the most important thing in life and it had been easy to focus on that and build from there.

Justin was still amazed when he thought back to the boys' summer break and how they had spent a week at Disney World in Orlando. He had expected Brian to balk at the idea of going to the 'happiest place on earth', but much to his surprise Brian had agreed and had stated that it would probably be a nice vacation for the boys. At first Justin had been too shocked to say anything, but then he had realised that he needed to stop judging his partner by an image that he had embodied years ago. Brian wasn't the stud of Liberty Avenue anymore, quite on the contrary. Brian was now a father first and foremost and loved his sons beyond anything. Even enough to take a trip to Disney.

And even though he had never admitted it to Justin, Justin had seen in his eyes that deep down Brian had loved the trip as much as he himself and the boys had.

Over time Brian and Justin had managed to build a new level of trust and brought their relationship to a level it had never been on before. Justin could honestly say that he had never been as happy before as he was now with Brian and their two sons. This was the family he had always dreamed of and unlike in his wildest dreams where Brian had always needed to be forced into having a family in some way, Brian was with him voluntarily and loved their family just as much.

He knew that he had broken off his earlier engagement with Brian because he had been scared of Brian changing into someone he was not for Justin's sake and because Justin didn't want him to become someone he was not, but seeing now that Brian had actually changed all of his own because he had realised that love didn't make a man weak, but gave him strength and courage when needed, that love didn't only make vulnerable, but also made strong and made Brian a better person, showed to Justin how far his partner had really come in recent years.

The Stud of Liberty Avenue was a legend, a myth almost, a story older men told newcomers when they came to the Avenue for the first time, but it had actually been years since anyone had seen the Stud in action.

Yes, occasionally Brian and Justin liked to go out and Debbie or his mom would watch the children so the two men could enjoy a night out on town, but even on those nights they behaved relatively tame compared to their younger years. They weren't tricking anymore which hadn't really been a conscious choice on their part, but more something they had grown into. With two sons, a house outside the city boundaries and two hugely successful careers they just didn't have the time to trick and go out on the hunt for men to blow them or to fuck. And Justin knew that he didn't miss it, he was happy having Brian. He was all that Justin would ever need and more than knowing that he was happy, he knew that Brian was happy too and that Brian didn't seem to miss tricking either. It had taken Justin some time to believe Brian when he had insisted on not wanting to trick when they went to Babylon and once it had even ended in an argument when Brian had accused Justin of pushing him into tricking with his constant nagging, but after a night apart, with Justin sleeping on the sofa in the loft – Brian had been right, a place in the city would come in handy at times - they had had a long heart to heart the next day and Brian had explained to Justin that he didn't need tricking anymore and that Justin was all he ever wanted and needed. Tricking had been a way to portray an image to the outside world and to fill a void deep inside of him, but that void had now been filled by Justin and his sons and Brian didn't give a shit how anyone but his family saw him.

That argument had been eye-opening to Justin and ever since that day Justin had accepted Brian's sincerity when it came to their relationship.

They had been happier than they had ever been in the past and their family fulfilled them. Being with their sons was all either of them needed to have a happy day.

“Sunshine, sonny boy, it's about time you showed up,” Brian exclaimed when he saw two of his three favourite boys in the doorway to the kitchen. “I was about to send a search party for you. Or sic Luke on you,” he chuckled.

Justin walked over and wrapped his arms around Brian's waist, smiling when his partner turned in his arms and greeted him with a good morning kiss.

Both boys made gagging noises which made the men smile into their kiss. It was fun to annoy Luke and Gus with their public displays of affection.

“Can you please not do that before I have even had my breakfast?” Gus urged, heavily sighing as he sat down in one of the kitchen chairs. He was eleven now and parents could be so annoying.

“What can I say? I love your Papa so much, I could eat him for breakfast,” Brian chuckled as he playfully nibbled on Justin's earlobe.

“Daddy! You can eat waffles. Not Papa,” Luke admonished, looking sternly at his father.

Brian and Justin smiled in amusement before Justin pulled back and gave his son a kiss as well. “You're just jealous that I went to Daddy first,” Justin teased and tickled his son's belly, making the small boy squirm as he was laughing.

“Am not...,” he giggled, before everything calmed down and Justin poured himself a cup of coffee. Stealing one more peck from Brian's lips, he moved over to sit down at the table next to Luke.

“Are you excited for later?” He asked his small son, smiling at him.

“I can't wait to see what Auntie Em got me. He said I would love it more than anything,” Luke said seriously as he climbed over to his Papa and settled in his lap. “Do you know what my present is?”

“I don't, I've told you before. You'll just have to wait, but I am sure he's right and you'll love it,” Justin smiled as he ran his hand through his son's hair.

Brian brought the plate with the waffles and some juice over and settled down at the table as well once it was set completely.

“Do you know, Daddy?” Luke tried with his other father, but didn't have any more success there.

“Nope, he didn't tell me a thing. Which has me slightly worried, if I am honest,” he smirked and was rewarded with a chuckle from Gus and Justin.

Emmett was known for his outrageous presents for the boys and Brian would never forgive him for the princess dress he had bought for Luke when the boy had exclaimed his love for Frozen. With the blond hair and blue eyes he had looked like Elsa in drag, or so Brian had claimed which had made his son so angry at him that he had refused to talk to his Daddy for two days. It had needed Justin's gentle coaxing and some of Luke's favourite cookies to get him to forgive his daddy. Five minutes after they had made up, it had been as if they had never disagreed on anything which had amused Justin to no end.

Thinking about Emmett and everyone else who would come by for their barbecue later, made Justin think back to the time when he and Brian had first announced at a family dinner that they were back together and working on their relationship. Of course Debbie and Carl had pretty much known about their reunion after they had been on babysitting duty during their date night, but everyone else had been beyond surprised when Brian and Justin had walked in hand in hand and had kissed in front of them all.

Jennifer had actually burst into tears, a reaction that had scared both Brian and Justin, but she had calmed down after a few minutes and had then explained to both men that she had just been so damn happy about them finally making up and being together like they always should have been. It had amused Justin greatly how his mum had turned from a woman who had thought his gay lifestyle was just a phase that he would grow out of and had refered to Brian as 'that Brian' into their staunchest supporter.

Everyone else had pretty much reacted as Brian and Justin had expected them to. Emmett, much like Jennifer had needed several tissues to calm down and had later claimed it on just being so ecstatic for their sons, but Justin knew that even though Emmett still had doubts about Brian's sincerity where Justin was concerned, he had been happy for Justin more than anything because he had known how important their reunion had been for him. Justin had been beyond grateful that he hadn't made a scene about what he thought were Brian's inadequacies as a partner or family man.

Drew and Blake had pretty much just accepted their reunion as a given and hadn't said much except for how they had always known this day would come and Ted had actually come over and given them both a hug, wishing them all the best for their future together. He hadn't really seemed as surprised as Justin would have expected from him, but Justin had learned with time that Ted had turned into Brian's closest friend over the years and he figured that Ted had probably known more about their reunion than he was aware of.

All in all telling their family had gone better than Justin and Brian had expected. Daphne had been a slightly different story though. She had still been angry at Brian for what he had put Justin through and it had taken Justin quite some time to convince her that he wasn't thinking with his dick but his heart and head and that a reunion with Brian was what he wanted. In the end Brian had suggested inviting her over and much to Justin's surprise that had done the trick. Spending some time with them, Daphne had seen the sincerity in Brian's eyes and his behaviour and had slowly but surely accepted him as a part of Justin's life. Though Justin still to this day believed that she had threatened Brian with bodily harm in case he ever hurt Justin again. Both Brian and Daphne would only laugh at him whenever he voiced his assumption, but he saw the slightly uncomfortable look in Brian's eyes that told him there was more to it than either Brian or Daphne were admitting. Deciding that that was between them and not between him and them, he had however decided to accept their newfound truce for what it was. Daphne and Brian got along and to Justin it seemed as if they were almost back to the way they had been in the past before their break up.

He was pulled back to the here and now and smiled when he felt a hand on his thigh, squeezing slightly. He looked up and his shining blue eyes met questioning hazel ones. “What are you thinking about, Sunshine?”

“Just about how happy I am,” he replied truthfully and felt blessed for how his life had turned out in the last twelve months since he had come back to Pittsburgh and had found out about the existence of his son. As Justin said it, he realised it was the truth. He was happy. More than he could have ever wished for growing up. He was a successful artist, had a loving partner that loved him more than anything and wasn't afraid to let him know and he had the best sons a man could wish for. Luke and Gus made him prouder than he ever thought he could be.

Brian smiled back at him, leaning in for a quick kiss. “Must be a whole damn lot, judging by that dreamy expression you had on your face.”

“It is. More than a whole damn lot,” Justin chuckled and kissed the man back. “Love you, Brian.”

“Love you, too, Sunshine. More than you know.”

They could hear two boys groan and had to chuckle into their kiss when Luke asked his bigger brother if they would ever stop kissing. Gus sighed dramatically and said solemnly, “Not likely.”

The End