Do I have to say the words? Do I have to tell the truth? Do I have to shout it out? Do I have to say a prayer? Must I prove to you how good we are together? Do I have to say the words? Rescue me from despair, tell me you'll be there Help me please - darlin' rescue me –Bryan Adams

“Once again, the Randolph Street Gallery was packed to capacity. Chicago’s own Justin Taylor’s pieces attracted a sold-out crowd. This season’s collection, perfectly named, Muted Politics, captures the artist’s views and feelings toward our government in an abstract but…”

May 2nd, 2007

Justin sat on the floor of his bedroom reading the article posted about him in the Chicago Sun Times one final time before cutting it out and pasting it in the scrapbook; he had created to house them.

After the blond secured the news clipping; he stood from the floor, took the book with him, and plopped down on his soft king-sized bed. Bouncing a little Justin giggled as he lay back onto his fluffy pillows and opened the scrapbook to the first page.

While reading the first critique posted there, his mind transported back to six years before.

May 2001

Justin noticed the man the minute he walked into the small downtown gallery. He stuck out like a sore thumb in his khaki pants and white sox jersey shirt. A necklace of press tags, as well as a camera, hung around his neck. He looked intimately at only Justin’s artwork and followed close behind him. The photographer/writer talked to everyone Justin interacted with only moments before the man did. Justin thought the Brunet was gorgeous. He had had to fight the primal urges that coursed through his body each time he gazed upon the Adonis.

Justin loved the man’s perfectly parted and combed auburn hair. A pencil sat behind his perfect ear and a notebook bulged in the pocket of his pants. The pad of paper subsequently drew attention to another package concealed within the khaki material. Justin had forced himself to look away. In his experience, any man that dressed that way was a straight man. However, that did not stop the fantasies Justin was sure he would have about the man that night. The fantasies he continued to have throughout the years.

His friend Daphne, was the first to make fun of the “press guy”. She remarked to Justin that the photographer looked like a freak. His mother was the second to give her unwanted opinion. “Really,” she’d said in a hoity-toity voice, “doesn’t that man know this is a suit and tie event?”

Justin laughed at his mother and looked down at his own clothes. He was not in a suit and tie, but he had spent a small fortune on his powder blue cashmere sweater and diesel jeans. He was an artist, not a conformist. He liked that the man did not dress in a suit and tie. “Mom I’m not in a suit and tie,” he had told her in a simple toned whisper. He laughed at the expression of distaste on her face from his comment.

“Justin Taylor. You were raised better than to talk to me like that in public. Don’t compare you with someone like the likes of that man,” Jennifer said in a quiet, but deadly tone of voice. Justin did not hear what else Jennifer Taylor said because a quick movement out of the corner of his eye drew his attention back to the photographer. He had been carefully moving away from the crowds and toward the hallway entrance. The expression on his beautiful face was full of embarrassment and sorrow. The man had heard what his mother and Daphne had said and it made Justin‘s stomach turn. The blond was sure that the man also must have heard him laughing and might have thought Justin was laughing at him.

Justin felt terrible and started to go after the man when his mother grabbed his arm, “Justin. Where are you going?”

“Mom, he heard us. I have to go apologize to him. You hurt his feelings,” Justin said and turned back only to see the tall man had disappeared.

“Justin,” Jennifer scrunched up her face and sighed. “There is no way that he heard what we said unless he was eavesdropping.”

“In that case then, he deserves what he heard. After all, it is true.” Daphne chimed in.”

Justin felt a cold chill run up his spine. Sometimes he wondered why he was even friends with her. He looked at his mother who nodded her head in agreement. He wanted to get as far away from them as he could. But, he knew that he would never live that down.

“Justin, it’s just plain uncivilized to show up in a jersey to a high-class event like this. You ought to be revolted by it. I mean the man did not care to show up to your first show in a clean shirt. Whoever let him in here in the first place was nuts.”

“Mom!” Justin yelled. He had had enough. His heart was breaking and she did not even care.

“Justin!” Jennifer hissed in shock.

Most of the patrons in the gallery turned to stare at him. Justin leaned in close to his mother and spoke in her ear, “This is my show, not yours. It is not at a fucking country club so get your head out of your ass and fall off your high horse. This is my show. Mine. Whoever wants to pay to come view my work can dress however they fucking please.” With that, Justin leaned back and smiled wickedly at his mother before disappearing back into the crowd and using his well taught waspy manners to sell his paintings to the guests. The patrons seemed to find him even more intriguing after the blow-up with his mother, surprisingly.

However, not once that night did Justin forget about the man in the jersey. He could not wait until the show was over so he could check the press’ guest list.

At the end of the night, Justin sold most of his paintings to the Chicago rich and elite. He still wished deep down that everyone could afford his paintings and see his visions, not just the ones who were lucky enough to have money. Before heading home, he grabbed the guest list for his scrapbook and under the press list was only one name.

Brian Kinney, writer, and photographer for the Chicago Sun Times.

The next morning Justin nearly died when he read the article in the newspaper. It praised his work and talent with such beautiful words. He could not believe that after what his mother and Daphne had done the man had still written a good review for him. Not just that, but he had also taken a really cool picture of what looked to be his own shadow standing in front of one of his paintings with a caption that read Beauty. This made Justin’s stomach flutter and his heart pound. He knew then, that he was in love with the mysterious Brunet.

May 2nd, 2007

After an hour or so of reminiscence, Justin finally closed the memory book and then, his eyes. He floated in a dream-like state full of wonderment. Why, after six years had the man still never talked to him? He knew that in all likelihood Brian was straight, but would that really stop him from talking to him, just a hello. He obviously admired Justin’s work. But, maybe after that was all he admired about Justin and he did not want to waste his time to know him personally. Then again, the man had seemed shy at first, even before his mother had said the things she had. Maybe Brian was just shy? Justin asked himself these questions like a nighttime storybook. He asked them nearly every night since he laid eyes on Brian Kinney.

Justin’s telephone rang loudly jolting him from sleep. His heart beat in his chest loudly and his penis tented the sheets that lay on top of him. Once again, he had dreamed about the man that had appeared at his showings for the last six years. There was never anyone else in his dreams or fantasies.

Running a hand over his face, he reluctantly picked up his bedside phone. “Hello?” he said groggily. Justin still wanted to be napping and dreaming of Brian.

“Can I speak with Mr. Taylor please?” a woman’s voice he did not recognize asked.

He rolled his eyes praying that it was not one of his psycho fans. He’d had to change his number six times even though it was unlisted. “Who is this?” he said, irritated.

“My name is Cynthia Prescott. I am calling on behalf of the Chicago Sun Times. My boss, a Mr. Brian Kinney, would like to set up an interview with you. It is regarding our one-on-one spotlight in the art section for next months weekly edition.”

“Wh- What?” Justin asked stunned. It was dream come true! Or maybe I’m still dreaming he thought. Justin pinched himself on the arm but still heard the woman talking on the other end of the line. It was definitely real!

“If you are interested, I would like to set up a date for you and Mr. Kinney to meet,” the woman hesitated. “Your work holds a special place in Brian’s mind if I say so myself. You do not have to worry about him exploiting you. He is a good journalist and I’m sure you know that if you have read any of his critiques,” Cynthia laughed. She knew her friend and boss would kill her if he had heard what she told him.

Justin’s heart leapt and melted all at once. He tried to contain his excitement at the possibility of finally being alone with, and meeting Brian Kinney! Even if the man turned out to be straight, it would still be nice to have a spotlight written about him each week for the next month. “I am very appreciative of everything Mr. Kinney has written,” Justin responded reeling in his wasp manners. “When would Mr. Kinney want to meet with me?” he was sure his voice had cracked at the end of the question.

Cynthia could tell that the man was nervous to talk to her but overly excited as well. After everything she heard about the young artist, she assumed he was as smooth as glass. However, the squeak in his voice told her otherwise. This made her wonder if Justin Taylor was as scared to meet her boss, as her boss was to meet him.

“Mr. Kinney is free tomorrow. Whatever time is good for you then, if that’s not too soon,” Cynthia replied.

“That would be great! How about nine o’clock at the Starbuck’s down on Hinter, will that work? It is located across from the Hinter Street Library,” Justin tried to take control and sound like the professional artist he was.

“That would be fine Mr. Taylor, thank you. Mr. Kinney is anxious to meet with you,” Cynthia laughed to herself for adding the last part.

“Okay, thanks for the call. Goodbye,” Justin hung the phone up and squealed with delight.

He stood up on his bed and started jumping, “I am finally going to meet Brian Kinney!” He said this, repeatedly to his empty bedroom. He also wished though, that he had just one person he could trust enough to tell the good news. He wanted someone to celebrate this with; he just did not know whom he could trust not to rain on his parade.

Finally, Justin got tired from the jumping and hollering. He flopped back down on his bed and grabbed his secret sketchbook. He hid it so that no one, especially his mother ever find it.

Inside the large book were hundreds of sketches of Brian Kinney. Justin flipped to a blank page and started to, once again, sketch the image of Brian at his show, this time it was the image of the man the last time he had seen him.

The image he created was true beauty and art to Justin. He loved the other work he did too. However, these sketches were priceless.

I get down, I feel had, feel on the verge of going mad. Then it's time to punch the clock.

May 3rd, 2007

Brian had just gotten into his office when Cynthia buzzed him. He jumped, hating the sound of the stupid intercom. It made his skin crawl. Why Cynthia was so opposed to just instant messaging him was beyond Brian.

He grabbed one of his pens and held the button down.“Where were you when I got in?” Brian asked in a frustrated tone. “And why can’t you just use the instant messenger on the computer, you know I hate this thing,” he sighed.

Cynthia took a deep breath and rolled her eyes, glad that her boss could not see her, “Mr. Kinney, you know that I have trouble with that whole thing. I bet you don’t even have your computer powered up yet.” Brian didn’t answer her so she went on, This way is much quicker; and to answer your first question, I was in the restroom.”

Brian sighed, “Sorry Cynthia. Sorry I…I..” His nervousness started to take over. His skin started to feel like it was crawling. It’s too early for this, Brian thought as he released the talk button on the phone. Then, a wave of panic overtook him.

Within minutes, Cynthia was standing on the other side of his desk. Brian had his head bowed into his lap and took deep breaths from one of the paper bags he kept stacked in his desk drawer. He could see his assistant set a bottle of water in front of him. The whole room seemed to be spinning and the paper bag was not lessening the intensity as it normally did. His breaths were still quick and he started to hear a ringing in his ears and the bitter taste of bile rising from his gut.

Brian got up from his chair and raced into his bathroom. Once there he disposed of the breakfast, he had recently eaten. After a minute or two of kneeling on the dirty tile floor, taking long deep calming breaths he realized that he felt even worse than before he had thrown up.

He called out to Cynthia, whom he was sure was hovering outside his bathroom door, “Get me a change of clothes from my closet please?” His throat felt raw as he spoke. His hands shook as he gripped the toilet and hefted himself up. He then laid a number of paper towels out, covering the tile floor, and stripped his offending clothing and placed them in the wastebasket. There was no way he’d wear them again.

Cynthia knocked on the door and Brian opened it just enough to hold his arm out and mumble a thank you. He then hung up his clothes on a hook on the back of the door.

Brian ripped off a paper towel and turned on the sinks hot water knob with one in his hand. He threw that towel away and grabbed another. This time he opened the medicine cabinet with it and grabbed out his soap. Brian lathered up his hands with the antibacterial soap. He scrubbed all the way up to his elbows and lathered himself until he felt he was sufficiently clean. He then washed it all off in the hot, nearly scalding water. Next, he lathered his hands with the face wash and proceeded to scrub at his entire face, before washing it off in steaming hot water. He let out a deep breath at the familiar harshness of the temperature and felt his body calm as he watched the suds disappear down the drain of the marble sink.

Then Brian took more paper towels and patted himself dry. With another towel, he opened the medicine cabinet again and took out his toothpaste and toothbrush. He spent nearly ten minutes brushing his perfect white teeth and another five on brushing his tongue to get the putrid taste of puke off it. He put the items back, paper towel in hand and grabbed a paper cup and the bottle of mouthwash from their shelf. He took six different cup full’s, gurgling each one for sixty seconds and then spitting them into the drain, the hot water washing the blue liquid away.

Brian grabbed more paper towels and put the last of the items away, closing the cabinet mirrored door. He paused for a few minutes to inspect himself. He was content with his appearance for the time being and decided he was clean enough to clothe himself.

The first thing he put on was a pair of fruit of the loom red boxers. They were one of probably 30 pairs. He could not recall the last time he had worn anything but that brand, style, and color. He liked the way the felt on him and looking in the full-length mirror on his bathroom door, he admitted to himself that they looked nice on him too. Not that anyone had ever seen Brian Kinney in only a pair of boxer shorts. No, Brian could not imagine anyone wanting to get close to a man like him. Yet, he still dreamed that one day his blond artist might.

Thoughts of Justin Taylor instantly made Brian stronger. He quickly put his new khaki pants and green button up on, smoothed down his hair and walked back into his office, ready to face another long day. That is of course after he washed his hands one more time for good measure after picking up the towels on the floor.

“Brian?” Cynthia asked. She was very worried about her friend. In the privacy of Brian’s office, she addressed him the same way she had since they were six. “Are you all right?”

“I, I am fine Cynthia,” Brian assured her. He looked down at his desk and his eyes caught the bottle of water placed on it. Condensation had begun to leak onto his desk.

Cynthia noticed and quickly picked it up and wiped the water off with a napkin and replaced the bottle after putting one of the many coasters down underneath it.

Brian nodded his head, silently thanking her for saving him from another panic attack. He was so glad to have his best friend working so closely with him. He did not think anyone else would be able to deal with his disability. “I am sorry that I spoke to you so harshly,” Brian said quietly, “and for getting sick.” His tan cheeks blushed and he quickly looked away, focusing instead on drinking the water. It felt so nice quenching his dry throat.

Cynthia smiled, after almost twenty-five years of knowing the man, and learning about everything that made up Brian Kinney, she felt oddly humbled that he would still be embarrassed whenever she was around to see him have another ‘episode’.

Cynthia frowned and felt a hint of despair race through her body as she realized why she had needed to talk to Brian so urgently. When he looked at her so calmly, she felt a sense of dread in knowing that he would not remain calm for long. “Vance came into see me yesterday. Well, actually he wanted to see you. I tried to call you last night but you didn‘t pick up the phone,” she explained.

After leaving his therapy session with Doctor McGee, Brian was too emotionally vulnerable to think about answering the phone the many times that he heard it ring. He just sat in his bed and watched cartoon network until he drifted to sleep. He had forgotten anyone had called by the time he left for work that morning. Brian frowned. “I told him that I had an appointment last week. I didn‘t feel like talking afterward. I am sorry I did not return your call.” Brian gulped and asked nervously, “What did you and Vance want?”

“He came to tell you how good the article and photo was that you did on the piece about Justin,” Cynthia said carefully. She watched as Brian once again blushed, putting his head down and turning away from her. He finished the bottle of water before looking back up at her.

They had been on a first name basis in reference to Justin Taylor, the artist for the last six years. Brian had denied any romantic feelings he had toward the young man, but Cynthia knew better. If Justin Taylor was just any other artist or performer Brian wrote about, he would have already met the young man face to face.

Which was why Cynthia had talked to Gardener Vance, well, begged him really, to lay off Brian. The man had been pissed about the writer/photographer not scheduling an interview in the six years that he had been covering the artist. The bald man could never understand what Brian had been through though. He could never fathom how hard it was for Brian to publish the wonderful things he did write about Justin Taylor because they were true and from the heart.

Gardener was not in a good mood yesterday. He had insisted that Cynthia contact the artist and arrange an interview for Brian to get started on that would last for the rest of the week. It was complete blasphemy to him, a reporter scared to report. No, he was fed up with it! He did not care what Brian Kinney’s issues were. He had catered to the man’s odd requests for too long. He was editor in chief of The Chicago Sun Times, he didn’t have to put up with it. So, he’d gone to Cynthia and told her his demands.

“I made an appointment with Justin Taylor, Brian. You’re going to have to meet with him in an hour,” She waited for his response, holding her breath. She waited and waited, watching her friends face, “I can go with you, Brian. It will be fine.”

Brian looked at her with a horrified expression. He opened his desk drawer to grab a paper sack and started to breathe into it. How could she do this to me? he thought.

Cynthia stood stock still, not sure exactly what to do. “Vance threatened to fire you if you do not meet with him, Brian.” Cynthia knew her words were not going to help Brian deal with having to interview Justin, on the spot, but she had seen the betrayed look that passed in his eyes and she had to explain her forced actions. “He will do it! He told me that if I did not make the appointment he would fire you and replace you. I had to do it!” Cynthia said, worry evident in her voice as she watched the brown paper collapse and expand in her friends face.

Brian heard her word and felt relief flood him. How could I think she would betray me? he reprimanded himself. He took the bag from his face and looked up at her, tears brimming in his eyes. “I..I… You know that I can’t do it,” he told his best friend.

Cynthia came around the desk and bent down in front of Brian. He looked like the same scared little boy she had held all through their childhood. She reached out and drew him into a cradling embrace, “You can do it, Brian.”

Brian let his tears fall. No, he knew he could not. Too many thoughts and memories flooded his mind. Past mixed with visions of what could be. It was all too confusing. Justin Taylor was a famous rich artist who would never notice him, like him, and Brian was sure the man would never love him. Especially, if he knew who he was, and he could not hide that during an interview. He wouldn’t be able to hide anything from his love.

Brian thought of himself as a freak, an emotional basket case. In reality, he was only a hurt boy trapped inside the body of a man. No, Brian knew he would not be able to go on living if Justin rejected him, made fun of him. He could not even take that risk. It had taken so much out of him to get where he was already, he did not want to go back. He had to change with baby steps before he met Justin.

An instant message popped up on Brian’s computer screen, pulling Cynthia and Brian apart. It read, Do the interview or you can look for another job.- Vance Gardener.

Brian stared at it through teary eyes before deleting the message.

Cynthia stood and looked at Brian. She wished she could do something to help him. But, what in the world could she do? If Brian would not, could not, meet with Justin Taylor, there was not much she could do for his job. If Brian lost his job, she was sure he would take a giant leap backward in the personal growth and stability he’d worked for in the last couple of years.

Cause, getting your dreams. Is strange, but it seems, a little well, complicated. There‘s a kind of a sort of cost. There‘s a couple of things lost. There are bridges you crossed you didn‘t know you crossed until you crossed.” –Schwartz

May 3rd, 2007 One Hour Later

“I’m sorry, but I agreed to an interview with Brian Kinney. Not with you, Mr.?” Justin turned and started to grab up his messenger bag, ready to leave. He was extremely disappointed if that could even actually describe how horrible he felt.

“Look. Kid, the name is Tom Mathews,” the measly, greasy looking reporter grabbed onto Justin’s arm stopping him from leaving.

Justin spun around and shook the man’s hand away from him while glaring daggers at the idiot, “It seems to me that you need to go back to your boss and tell him that I do not appreciate being lured into an interview under false pretenses. Make sure you also tell him I certainly do not appreciate being called a kid by some greasy reporter who wouldn’t know a Picasso from a Rembrandt,” Justin marched out of the café and got into his car.

He was pissed, to put it mildly. To put it harshly, and more accurately, his heart felt like it had been torn into pieces. A million and one questions raced through his head. The biggest one was one he was determined to find the answers to, “Why the fuck didn’t Brian Kinney show up to the interview?” Justin cursed as he parked in the closest parking garage to the Sun Times building.

After about a five-minute walk to the entrance, he had time to cool down a little. When he reached the security building, he was calm enough to hopefully, not look like the raving lunatic he was sure the reporter would paint him as.

After receiving clearance, a man escorted him to the third floor where a petite young blond woman stood staring at him and looking extremely distraught and nervous.“Justin Taylor?” she asked him attentively.

“Yes, are you Cynthia? Was it you that scheduled my appointment with Mr. Kinney?” Justin asked all in one quick breath.

Cynthia could see the disappointment in the boy’s eyes. She knew she should not be thrilled with that, but she was. It seemed as though Justin Taylor was everything Brian deep down wanted him to be. She had always been able to read people and get a feel of them from the first moment she met them, Justin Taylor was no different. If not, she felt like she already knew him. “Yes, I am. It was me that called you, but I can explain,” Cynthia said.

“Where’s Brian?” Justin asked her; not caring if he had raised his tone of voice.

“Will you follow me please so we can talk in private?” she asked glancing around and gesturing to the chaotic cubicles around them.

Justin nodded and followed the well-dressed woman into a nearly empty office. On the door’s nameplate was, Brian Kinney. Justin surveyed the room as he took a seat across from the blond who sat behind the desk.

Brian was not here, and it appeared that there were no traces of his occupancy anywhere in the office.

“He’s not here,” Cynthia said sadly, needlessly.

Justin looked at the woman and saw the stress on her features, “Where is he?”

Cynthia figured she would cut to the chase. She knew that there was not enough time to dilly-dally around the facts. She was certain that what her friend needed, she could no longer give. “Brian was fired today,” Cynthia told him regretfully.

Immediately Justin’s face turned from an annoyed scowl to a worried frown, “What do you mean he was fired? That cannot be possible. Brian is a wonderful writer and photographer. The best the Times has ever had!” Justin leaned forward, a nagging feeling in his gut, “Is he okay?”

Bing! Cynthia could not help but smile, even under the circumstances.

Her expression made Justin glare at her, “What? Are you happy to replace him?”

Cynthia smiled even wider. The artist had some fight in him. He would definitely need it for what and whom he would be up against. By the look in the bright glaring blue eyes across from her, everything made sense to her. Justin Taylor would be the one. “God, no!” Cynthia replied. “Brian is my best friend!” she watched again as relief passed over the artist’s delicate looking face. “Brian is my boss. Err…well; he was until a few hours ago. He was fired because he couldn’t do the interview with you,” Cynthia said.

“Well, if he was sick or something, we could have rescheduled. That guy they sent instead was a total asshole and I refused to do the interview with him,” Justin said.

Cynthia smirked. “I am sorry about that. All we had was your home number and I tried to reach you, but you had already left. You are right. Tom is a total asshole.” Cynthia laughed, but then got serious, “You see, our boss, the editor in chief, well, he has been asking Brian to do an interview personally with you for years. Brian has always refused.” There it is, it’s out, she thought. I can do this. It is for Brian’s own good.

“Why did he refuse? He comes to all of my shows and writes the most amazing things about my art in his reviews. I just don’t get it,” Justin sighed.

“Brian has always loved you and your work,” Cynthia said. She looked at him sternly hoping he would get the double meaning. She watched his face change from the worried look to one of, one that matched the look Brian got whenever he talked to her about Justin.

“Why hasn’t he ever talked to me? If he ever would have…”

“He never could Justin,” Cynthia cut him off. “Brian isn’t like most people.”

“Well, who is? I certainly am not. I mean, I just never got it. If he loves my work why not at least talk to me, phone me, shit!” Justin ran his hands through his hair.

“Justin. You know what I meant right?” Cynthia said quietly. “Brian doesn’t only love your work. That is why it was so hard for him to talk to you.”

“He could have said something. Talked to me just once, I would have loved to talk to him! I mean…”

“Did you talk to him?” Cynthia asked boldly. “I can see that what you feel for him is pretty close to what he feels for you, but why didn’t you ever talk to him?”

“Because he is the most beautiful man, I have ever seen. He is so talented there is no way I could hold a conversation with someone who writes the way he does. So eloquent and meaningful, I am just an artist. Besides, I thought he was straight up until five minutes ago,” Justin thought he could have gone on and on. He then voiced his biggest reason. “Because, I fell in love with him the first time I saw him,” Justin sighed.

Cynthia’s heart lurched. She definitely was not expecting that answer even if she knew it was the truth, “And because you loved him it made you second guess everything right?”

Justin nodded his head. He was sure Cynthia was a damn good reporter too.

“Well, for Brian, he either quadruples guesses things to the point where it drives him crazy and he ignores it. Or, he has things so damn orderly that he doesn’t need to guess at all. Brian Kinney was not taught how to make his own decisions Justin. He grew up in a home that was pure hell. His story is not mine to tell, but what I can tell you is this; he has loved you and spoken your name every single day for six years. But he thought he was better off never speaking to you and you breaking his heart because he thought he wasn’t good enough for you.”

Justin felt tears sting the backs of his eyes, “That’s not true,” he said breathlessly. “God, I mean, I thought the same thing,” he finished.

“I tried to tell him that. I tried to get him to meet you today. Brian suffers from anxiety and OCD complex. He just, he couldn’t bring himself to go today,” Cynthia sighed. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t go to him.”

Justin was trying to process everything Cynthia had told him. It seemed like all he wanted for the last six years was finally coming to head. There were so many obstacles in the way, so many things to discover. He had a feeling that if he went to find Brian, things would get even more confusing. Was he up to it?

“I’ll give you his address on one condition,” Cynthia said, noticing the boy’s hesitance.

“What is it?” Justin asked on guard. He could not believe that a man who wrote with such strength and power was in the least bit vulnerable. Then, he was not the rich artsy asshole type, the image he was sure had prevented Brian from talking to him was not who he was.

“You only use it; you only go, if you plan on sticking around. If you understand, that Brian is not going to be easy to love. He loves you, but beyond what he knows as his feelings for you and even me, he does not know much else when it comes to emotions. He is as fragile emotionally as a child and if you meet him, you cannot walk away. You cannot hurt him that way. You have to decide if what you have waited six years for is the same thing you will want for the rest of your life,” Cynthia went into the desk, retrieved a company pad and pen, and started to write Brian’s phone number and address.

“But, but I haven’t even met him?” Justin questioned.

Cynthia looked up and stared into Justin’s eyes. “But haven’t you?” she asked. “If you honestly believe that you haven’t then, then maybe you never should, up close.” She did not mean for her words to sound harsh, but she could not put Brian into a situation where he would be hurt.

Justin answered by reaching across the desk and ripping the directions off of the pad, and with a smile, he walked out of Brian Kinney’s former office.

“Let his flesh not be torn. Let his blood leave no stain. When they beat him let him feel no pain. Let his bones never break and however they try to destroy him. Let him never die. Let him never die.” –Schwartz

May 3rd, 2007

***

Brian had been home for a little over two hours. The water in the shower had long ago gone cold. Brian stood under the coarse spray, trembling from both fear and the change in temperature. His perfectly manicured hands displayed a constant repetitive movement.

One shaky hand held an almost empty bottle of Caress body wash. The object’s intended use, in perfect contrast to what his other hand grasped a rough, blue exfoliating sponge. The sound of constant scrubbing and the squirt of the soap bottle reverberate off the bathroom walls like music to only Brian’s ears. These sounds mixed with the showerheads hard water spray. It pounded down upon the Brunet’s skin. The shower stall’s sounds became an eerie echo of a symphony Brian knew all too well.

Perfection and cleanliness, it is all Brian’s mind can fathom. Brian’s muscles have frozen, it has made him unbalanced and he falls in a thud to the tile floor. At first, he does not feel the pain that he should. He does not feel the stretch in his legs from the fall, the burning sting the raw, opened, red patches on his skin let in. Some are bleeding, some bruising over bruises that faded long ago but remembered with possibly present feeling.

Right now, it is all numbing and comforting. The slick cold tiles cause his body to slip, his back and butt fall under him and he slides down until his head hits the floor, not hard, but hard enough for Brian to feel jolted out of wherever the place he was hiding inside his mind. It awakens him from his ritual cleansing. He turns his head to the side, squinting against the water hitting his head, the tile is only a few degrees colder than the water but it feels like a smack to his skin.

It does the trick. Brian comes back, comes to his senses enough to come out of his mind, get up, and turn off the indoor rain.

Brian carefully opens the glass shower door and reaches his hand out to get a soft, fluffy, blue towel off the linen bench. Meticulously, he dries every inch of his body with small light dabs. Every time the cotton sticks to an open wound, he finds himself jumping a bit from the sting but at the same time reveling in the familiarity of it.

Brian always needed stability and familiarity. So much so, that the need to make his own sometimes overpowered any other need, detrimental to his physical and mental health, more times than not. After stepping out of the shower, Brian thinks he feels much better. That is, until he hears his mother’s words inside his head, coming from the deep dark place that he begs to stay hidden.

Memories once buried for so long play in his mind. His therapist brought them back to the surface in yesterday’s session. He is learning ways to face them. He has to deal with them and move on. It is hard though when Brian does not remember the exercise taught to him to do this. He cannot think of anything when these memories invade his thoughts like a hammer-hell to his brain. The onslaught is never kind; it is never anything less than a heart wrenching, brutally ingrained mind fuck.

Brian did not mean to take the picture of the flower. It just looked so pretty. It had purple petals kissed with morning dew, sparkling in the early morning sunrise. It smelled so good too, fresh, clean and flowery. The boy regretted the need he had to take the picture. He had taken the trash out and had passed the flower on his way back inside the house.

Brian looked and saw Joan watching him pick it up off the mantle. She did not try to stop him so he thought it was okay. However, as soon as the camera clicked his mother had come outside and dragged him into the kitchen by his elbow. She did it so quickly that the camera fell from Brian’s hands onto the kitchen floor and shattered, the role of film inside the camera popped out and exposed itself to the light, ultimately leading Brian’s picture to an undeveloped death.

”What were you doing taking pictures Brian?” Joan Kinney asks her ten-year-old.

“I..I.. Mam I,” Brian stuttered.

His Father called him ‘stutter’, among other demeaning names, but that was probably the nicest one. Sometimes Brian wondered if his father remembered his actual name, his grandmother named him after her husband, Joan’s father. Brian tried to think about a time that his father had called him Brian, but could not think of one.

“Out with it Brian!” Joan stomped her foot on the kitchen floor, “Quit stuttering. Answer me! What were you doing stealing my camera?” Her angry face was inches from her son’s and Brian’s stomach started to turn.

It did not matter what time of the day it was. Joan’s breath always smelled of cheap wine, his father’s whole body always reeked of cheap liquor. Of course, Brian only realized that not all parents smelled this way when he met Cynthia’s parents. They smelled of cinnamon and flowers. Brian was not often around other adults besides his teacher. She was an old nun that smelled like mold.

“I wasn’t stealing mother. I swear,” Brian said looking down.

“Are you telling me that I didn’t see you take my camera outside this morning? Or is this your camera Brian?” Joan said pointing at the shattered black camera. “It was not enough you stealing it; you had to break it too!”

Brian could not remember the last time she had used it. He was sure it had sat on the bookshelf for a few years. Nevertheless, he knew that would not excuse the fact that he had taken it and used it. She had made him break it. “No. Mother,” Brian said. His mind could not think of any other excuse fast enough. She always made him so nervous. “I mean, I was only borrowing it. It looked so nice outside and….” He was not able to finish his sentence because he and his mother heard his father coming down for breakfast.

“Stir that,” Joan told him, pushing him toward the pans on the stove while she picked up and threw away the bits of camera.

Brian knew that Jack immediately noticed the tension in the room as he entered the small spot free kitchen. His father could always find trouble, if there was none to find then he would make it. Brian felt his body shaking as he saw his father looking at him out of the corner of his eye. Brian tried to continue to stir the gravy in a pan. Warm biscuits were tucked away in the basket that sat at the center of the table. Brian hoped his father would start to eat those first. Joan would not talk to him if he were in the middle of a meal.

“Are you running behind today sonny-boy?” Jack asked sitting down.

Brian turned to look at his father, though not in the eye, “No. Sir, I just thought I’d keep the gravy on the stove so it would still be warm.” Brian went to the coffee pot and made his father a cup of coffee the way he liked it and handed it to him.

“Are you going to tell your father what you did today Brian?” Brian’s face turned white. The innate sense of dread was embedded into him almost from birth. His hair on the back of his neck stood up as his father walked to where he was now at the stove.

Brian looked at his mother for a moment. He gave her a pleading look but she chose that moment to walk out of the kitchen. Whenever she asked Brian ’To tell Jack what he had done’, it usually meant that his father would not give a shit what it was. It was just a free excuse to beat up on Brian. Brian could already feel himself start to shake. He was in trouble, but that was nothing new to him.

Jack spun Brian around and grabbed him hard by the arm, “What is it sonny-boy? What’d you do this early to make the warden mad?”

“N..N..N..Nothing,” Brian said truthfully. “I didn’t steal it,” Brian said too quickly. His nerves were getting the best of him. The quaking inside his body unearthed all of his fears and then, his defense mechanisms. He stood there in front of Jack with his head bowed, his eyes blank and staring into a place that did not exist in the Kinney house.

What felt like hours, but was only minutes later; Brian thought of how stupid he was to say what he said to his father. He added ammunition to the fire his mother so lovingly set. He knew that he should never have said a word. It did not matter either way though.

Lying on the tile floor, Brian held his burnt hand to his chest. He would have to get up and put cold water on it soon before it scarred. That was nearly impossible though because he could not move his right leg. He stopped crying or fighting back too long ago to remember the day, the beating. He knew it was his entire fault. He was the reason his parents did not love him.

Brian heard footsteps coming his way and closed his eyes, hoping that whichever one it was would go away if they thought he was passed out.

The tapping of his mother’s shoes made him relax slightly, if possible. Then he heard it. Her mantra, “You are an evil wicked little boy Brian. You did this. You are a bad wicked little boy. Wicked.” His mother said as she tapped her pointy-toed shoe into his sore shoulder. He tried not to wince and alert her that he was still awake.

Brian opened his eyes and focused on his reflection in the mirror. He touched the sensitive skin and took a deep breath, “I am a good person.” He said to his reflection. He then went through the meticulous task of brushing his teeth.

After Brian dressed in one of many pairs of his Levis 501 jeans and a blue t-shirt he owned since high school, he felt more relaxed. However, this would not stop what needed to be done. He still had a lot of housework to take care of.

The first thing he did was go into his kitchen. That, to him, was always the dirtiest place, except for the bathroom of course. He liked this rooms system of cleaning better than any other of the rooms he had to cleanse.

First, Brian donned a pair of long black disposable gloves and put a large apron around him. Like a wild animal, he tore through his fridge and cabinets, gathering anything opened and throwing it in a large black trash bag.

In a very short time, Brian’s kitchen was spotlessly clean and nearly foodless. He decided that after he took out the trash he would call Cynthia and at least ask her about how the interview went. He still very much wanted to know about Justin Taylor.

Brian took the trash outside to the large dumpster next to his garage. He lifted one of the flaps and threw the first bag in. The next one was slightly heavier so he had to take a swing with it. Upon launch, the bag split its bottom open and sprayed its contents, mostly containing yogurts and deli foods, all over Brian.

At first, Brian stood in shock looking at the littered ground around him. After about a minute of staring, it started to sink in what had happened. His clothes were sticky and his whole body felt like it was crawling with ants.

He started to scream, shout, and dance around ungracefully. He was lucky that none of his neighbors was home during the day; otherwise, someone surely would have called the police. Brian screamed and screamed some more. He didn’t stop until he collapsed unwillingly onto the grass below him,

He never heard the car’s engine that turned into his driveway.

However, he certainly felt the boy’s hand on his shoulder, and then more of the boy, wrapping his young body around his sticky one without a care. Whispering words of comfort that were soothing to the point of unreality.

The touch was a good sense of fire. His body seemed to mold into the smaller man’s, as he felt himself rocked within the warmest embrace he had ever known. Brian’s heart beat like a mad man’s and his eyes were in disbelief at the beauty of Justin Taylor.

“Forgive me for I did not know. Cause I was just a boy, you were so much more. Not any god could ever plan, more than a woman or a man, now I understand how much I took from you. When everything starts breaking down, you take the pieces off the ground. Show this town, something beautiful and new. You think that luck has left you there. But maybe there’s nothing up in the sky by air. And there’s no mystical design. No cosmic lover reassigned. There’s nothing you can find, that cannot be found. Cause with all the changes you have been through it seems the stranger’s always you. All alone again in some wicked little town. But when you’ve got no other choice. You know you can follow my voice. Through the dark turns and noise of this wicked little town. It’s a wicked little town. Goodbye wicked, little town.” -Stephen Trask and John Cameron Mitchell- Hedwig and the Angry Inch

***

May 3rd, 2007

“Brian?” Justin whispered the Brunet’s name. He had been rocking and humming to Brian for a few minutes. The man had the material of his shirt in a death grip, “I think we need to go in the house now. You need to get cleaned up.”


Brian only moaned in answer and tried to bury his head against Justin’s chest, even more.


Justin gently put his hands on Brian’s face and tilted it up toward him. He stared into the tear-reddened hazel eyes, “Did you hear me, Brian?” Justin saw the beautiful eyes widen when they looked into his own. Then they started to dart around erratically.


“What happened?” Brian asked quietly, looking back at Justin worriedly.


“I …I really don’t know, Brian. When I got here, you were on the ground covered in all this mess. You looked hurt,” Justin said with a hitch in his voice. “Did someone do this to you, Brian?”


He had not known what to think when he drove up and saw the man trembling and crying on the ground. It seemed as if as though Brian were in a trance. Justin ran straight from his car to hold the man in his arms and Brian had almost retreated into himself completely.


Justin felt as though every word and caress he gave Brian were previously mapped out for him, and it was as if he had given him them a million times before. He knew they had never officially met, and Justin had never before administered the loving caresses he was giving the distraught man, but it felt like they were ingrained in him.


It must also have felt natural to Brian, from the way he buried his head into Justin’s chest, hiccupped his breaths through his sobs; the way Justin leaned down and rained light kisses in the dirty auburn hair, it was all so comfortable and familiar to Brian.

Brian was at a loss for words. He remembered coming outside to bring the trash out, but everything else after that was a blur. How was Justin suddenly at his house? How long had he been outside with him? “When did you get here?” Brian asked as he untangled himself from Justin’s arms and stood up on his shaky and sore limbs.


Looking down at the state of his clothing, Brian felt extremely embarrassed. The first time Justin Taylor was at his home and he had an episode! He took one look at the gorgeous boy and felt himself become short of breath. This time it was not because of a panic attack, it was because Justin Taylor was looking at him with his big blue eyes with a look that Brian was sure, matched his own feelings for the blond. He just did not know how that was possible. He had to be mistaken.


“I need to change,” Brian said softly and began to walk up his steps he turned around and saw Justin’s expression was now one of sadness. “Would you like to come inside?” he asked the artist. The blonds’ expression immediately changed into a beaming grin that caught Brian’s breath and made his chest tighten. He was in complete awe of Justin Taylor. Just as he always was.


Justin said nothing, only nodded. His smile, firmly planted on his face as he followed Brian inside the house. He wordlessly followed Brian’s example, taking his socks and shoes off before entering, placing them beside Brian’s next to the door.


Brian delighted in the simple action Justin performed. He was so happy that the boy seemed to understand what he needed. They entered through the back door and came upon the bare kitchen. Cupboards hung open, and the refrigerator and freezer doors stood wide-open, letting out the cold air. Open and spilled containers were everywhere.


Brian looked at the disarray, quickly starting to close everything. He rushed around the room, in a panic, once again feeling bile rising in his throat.


Justin watched as the writer went around the kitchen in a flurry. He was not sure what he should do. He remembered what Cynthia had told him about Brian. The man had OCD. However, she thought that Justin could help him. Justin was not sure exactly what it was he could do to help. He just knew that he needed to stop Brian from going into the panic attack he could see coming. He decided to intercept Brian, putting his body between him and the refrigerator doors that he closed in the process.


“Justin?” Brian queried cautiously, not sure what he was asking.


“Brian, why don’t we clean you up? We can clean the kitchen up later,” Justin, suggested, taking in once again Brian’s sticky, food covered clothes.


“But…” Brian looked around wide-eyed, protesting.


Justin reached up and put his fingers on Brian’s beautiful lips. They were the only part Justin could see on the man that was not covered in food, bruises or blood. “Let me give you a nice warm bath, and then afterward I’ll help you clean this mess up. Maybe we can even go get some groceries and I’ll cook you an amazing dinner and we can talk.” Justin was not sure if he was overstepping his boundaries, but he loved Brian Kinney and he wanted to help him.


Brian took a deep breath and then reached his hand out to take Justin’s but he stopped short and placed his arm back at his side nervously.


Justin saw the hesitation and fear in Brian’s eyes; he would never reject this man, he thought. He took a step even closer to Brian; their chests touched causing invisible sparks that coursed through both males. Justin took Brian’s sticky hand within his own, “Show me where your bathroom is, Brian.”


Brian looked into Justin’s blue eyes for a moment. He saw desire directed toward him and felt his skin flush as he started to lead Justin through his house to the bath.


When they reached the tub, Justin sat Brian down on the wooden bench, went to the tub and started to fill it with warm water. He went to the cupboard, retrieved a washcloth, and dipped it into the flowing water.


Brian watched, as Justin squeezed the water from the rag and stood before him. “I’m going to wash the stuff off your face okay?” He heard Justin say softly to him. He nodded his head in agreement and soon felt the warm material dabbing at his face gently. The sensation was so soft he wanted to close his eyes and fall asleep but he could not stop staring into Justin’s eyes.


Justin stood in front of him and reached down to remove Brian’s filthy t-shirt. His fingers brushed Brian’s toned stomach, making him shiver with lustful electricity. He still was not sure how exactly he had gotten the courage to go to the man’s house and talk to Brian Kinney, let alone be in his bathroom helping him take a bath.


Then again, maybe it was not courage. It was just love. He pulled Brian’s shirt off and the older man stared up at him. His hazel eyes turning to a deep golden brown. They looked at him with so much trust, lust, and love that Justin had to tear his eyes away.


He felt as though his heart was going to burst! He was sure that there were very few people, if any, that had been privileged enough to see that look.


Justin could not fight temptation anymore. He leaned down and closed his eyes, lightly but firmly pressing his lips to Brian’s own. A warm sensation coursed through his body as Brian’s lips pressed against his. Justin was sure that Brian’s lips had been created for him to kiss. He pulled back and saw that Brian’s eyes remained closed, fluttering open just a few seconds later to release a few tears from the revealed eyes.


“I think the bath is ready for you,” Justin said as he stroked the tears away from Brian’s cheeks.


Brian could only nod. With Justin there helping him, he felt so whole, so content. But, the idea of Justin seeing him fully naked was beginning to make him embarrassed. He knew he had a nice body but now it was covered in scrapes and bruises that he still could feel and for the first time he did not enjoy the reminder and pain of them. However, it was too late to be embarrassed. He was sure that Justin had seen him at his worst a half an hour ago. Yet, Justin had not run from him. He had not even tried to force him to talk about anything yet. He was just there, helping him and being with him. It meant the fucking world to him. Besides Cynthia, no one had dared to be with him longer than they had to be. He was fairly certain that Cynthia was the reason the blond was there in the first place. He would definitely have to thank her for that.


Brian stood up and started to unbutton his jeans. When he got to the last and fourth button he felt Justin’s fingers on his own stilled ones. He looked at Justin who smiled softly and undid the last button for him.


Brian’s jeans pooled around his legs and he stepped out of them. His trusty red boxer briefs showed his obvious hard-on prominently to Justin.


Justin took a deep breath and stepping a little closer, he hooked his thumbs into Brian’s waistband and pulled the material down, looking up at Brian’s face the entire time. He wanted this man so badly he was afraid to look too long at the beauty of Brian’s body. But, once again, he couldn’t help himself. Brian’s thick, dripping cock stood out from what looked to be a precisely trimmed brownish red nest of hair.


Brian felt his face redden. He could not help himself. The second Justin had touched his lips a few minutes before; his cock had hardened and would not recede at all. Then when Justin’s fingers brushed his Fruit of the Loom covered erection, while unbuttoning his pants, he felt his dick straining for release.


“Let’s get you in the bath,” Justin said changing the unspoken subject. He was in much the same state that Brian was, but he wanted to tend to Brian, care for Brian before he did anything for himself. Justin felt honored to do so.


Justin turned off the water and moved a stool to behind the porcelain tub. He watched as Brian got in and winced as the water hit his wounds. He was sure that Brian had done that to himself. He saw the dozens of rough sponges and exfoliates in the cupboard when he was looking for the washcloth. It pained Justin to know that Brian was in so much pain inside that he hurt himself this way.


Brian felt Justin come up behind him and sit on the stool. He felt the artist’s long fingers massage his scalp and then brought his head back to rest in his lap. “Mmm,” he moaned.


Justin started to wash Brian’s body slowly and sensually. He was extra tender with the wounds and the first time Brian flinched from the sting, Justin leaned down and whispered, “I want to wash it all away for you, Brian.”


Brian keened at Justin’s words. He could feel silent tears trace down his face. Justin’s touch was perfection to him. It seemed it was all he needed. “It’s all gone, Brian, you never have to hurt yourself again. You’re so beautiful.” Justin’s hot breath tickled his ear and the only part Justin had not rubbed on him was now leaking into the water.


Normally, this thought would have been enough for Brian to hightail it out of the water. He did not even masturbate without wearing a condom. A very difficult technique but it was clean and tidy that way. Shit, normally Brian would not sit in a tub full of his own filth but with Justin there, many of the things he normally felt like he could not do, he had done without a thought because with Justin, he was content and safe and he was almost sure he was loved. There was no other word to describe the way the boy had touched him, but lovingly.


Justin was not blind or dumb. He knew what he was doing to Brian. He could see the long staff poking out of the water and dripping its almost clear fluid into the clean bubbly water. “You are so beautiful Brian,” Justin said dipping his hand underneath the water’s surface and grasping Brian’s slippery, silky penis.


“Oh, god!” Brian moaned. His voice echoed around the bathroom walls and sent pleasurable chills down Justin’s spine.


This egged the blond on. He leaned his head down and put his lips against Brian’s. “Brian?” He asked, breathless. Looking at a wanton Brian Kinney did that to you.


“Yes?” Brian opened his eyes only to see Justin’s face a centimeter from his. He did not remember closing them. The tight fist around his cock was sending him into another world. He loved this man touching him.


“I want you to come,” Justin whispered seductively. He was sure that his own cock was about to burst just from washing and now holding Brian. “I want you to let everything but me and you, go. It’s just me and you, nothing else matters.” While he said this, his hand was moving faster and faster.


Waves splashed out onto the tile floor as Justin pumped his hand in between Brian’s bucking legs. “Uhuhh,” was the only thing Brian could say before Justin took his mouth in a hard, bruising, and upside-down kiss.


Their tongues touched and danced. Justin felt as though every word Brian had written about him was spoken and felt with that kiss. Brian’s head still rested in Justin’s crotch and it kept rubbing back and forth on his cock as they kissed; he was nearly bent in half but he was flexible and the kiss was powerful so he couldn’t feel a bad strain on any muscle.


Justin’s thumb dug into Brian’s slit and that was it, for both of them.


Justin felt Brian’s come rush out of his cock as it shot out. Brian’s loud groan caused Justin’s own dick to shoot so powerfully he was sure Brian’s hair was going to need a washing after sitting on his lap.


Brian’s naked body tingled and Justin’s still clothed one did the same. They sat there catching their breath. Faces breathing on each other’s until, at the same time, their eyes opened and locked.


Justin smiled, taking what breathing Brian had controlled, away for a moment.


“It’s nice to meet you, Mr. Kinney,” Justin said, chest still heaving from the most intense orgasm he had ever had.


Brian smiled a toothy grin that in Justin’s eyes was the fucking Holy Grail, “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Justin Taylor.”

“Everything it seems I like is a little bit stronger, a little bit thicker a little bit harmful for me..Oh, and did I forget to mention, I’m just a little bit heiress, a little bit Irish a little bit tower of Pisa, whenever I see you, so please be kind if I’m a mess.”-Rufus Wainwright

May 3rd, 2007

An hour passed, Brian was napping while Justin, in a borrowed a pair of sweatpants, was cleaning the mess in the kitchen. All that was left to do was turn on the dishwasher and he was done. After setting the washer, he decided to go and have a nap himself.

He tiptoed down the hall and as he neared Brian’s room, he could hear mumbling and the sound of sheets tossing.“No,” he heard Brian cry out loudly.

Justin jumped in his skin and ran into Brian’s room. The man was rolling around on the bed, lost in a day-mare, his hands clutched at one of the amber colored pillows. “Please Daddy!”

Justin’s stomach turned when he heard Brian whimper those words.

He did not know what he was supposed to do! But he had to help Brian! He loved Brian and did not want to see the man in the pain. “Brian, Brian, baby, come on! Wake up, baby!” Justin threw himself on top of Brian, trying to stop the man’s struggles.

“Stop it, Daddy. I’m sorry, I will listen!” Brian cried out. He’d not fully come awake but his hands had released his pillow and his arms circled Justin’s back pulling him closer.

Justin pressed his body on top of Brian’s, trying to comfort the man and make him wake up. “Brian, come on wake up it’s me, Justin,” he whispered in Brian’s ear.

“Justin!” Brian was immediately awake. His eyes shot open and he looked at Justin with tears in his eyes. ”Oh, shit!” he thought. Brian realized that once again, he had become a total freak in front of Justin. He knew he talked in his sleep and he wondered how much Justin had heard. He certainly remembered the dream, or rather, the memory. What had he said?

“It’s okay Brian,” Justin said, seeing the embarrassment in Brian’s eyes. He’d only known the man for a few hours, but he’d already realized that Brian’s eyes were the windows to all of his emotions. “Do you feel up to talking now?” Justin asked, still sitting on top of Brian’s body.

“I…I think so,” Brian said quietly. “Will you…” He trailed off, not having the courage to voice what it was he truly wanted from Justin. He closed his eyes tightly.

“What is it, Brian?” Justin asked moving off the man and leaning against the back of the bed before pulling Brian into his arms.

Brian went willingly into the other man’s arms. He couldn’t believe that another soul could read him so well. “Hold me,” he said, finishing his sentence.

Justin had to swallow and push his emotions and tears down. He squeezed Brian tighter and he felt Brian’s body begin to shake.

“I’m here Brian,” Justin whispered. “I’m right here.”

Brian gave into a new round of sobs. This time, his tears were not out of fear, frustration or anger. He felt so comfortable with Justin. The man he loved. He still couldn’t believe that after all this time Justin was right here in his room, in his bed, holding him.

Justin ran his fingers through Brian’s locks of hair. He could barely hear the quiet whimpering coming from the man he held, but he did hear it, and it broke his heart. Justin knew that he had to be strong enough to keep holding on to Brian.

Brian buried his head deeper into Justin’s shirt. He inhaled the blond boy’s smell as though his life depended on it. Taking in Justin’s warmth and smell, Brian felt a calm breeze through his body. Then he felt a strength surge through him. He forced himself to look up at the man that was holding him. Justin was crying.

Justin didn’t even realize that he had indeed been crying until he saw Brian’s worried expression. He felt the tips of Brian’s fingers brush away the wetness on his face. “You are so beautiful,” Brian told him sitting up to face him.

Justin blushed and put his head down a little, “Thank you. So are you. That’s what I thought the first time that I saw you.”

Brian wiped his tears from his eyes. “The first time I saw you I wanted to talk to you so bad, but then…..” Brian trailed off. He did not want to let Justin know how much the boy’s mother and friend’s words had hurt him that day.

“But then you heard my mom and Daphne talking and that spoiled everything,” Justin said sadly. “But that doesn’t matter anymore. They don’t matter. I am here with you now. Nothing’s going to change that.”

“You don’t know that Justin,” Brian said softly. “You don’t know my past.”

Justin put Brian’s hands in his own, “I may not know all of the details of your past, but that isn’t going to stop me from being here with you in the present and in the future.” Justin was trying to remain optimistic.

“I’m not right in the head Justin. I don’t know what Cynthia told you. But I know what I am and I don’t want to cause trouble for you. What…what you saw today was one of my more mild outbursts Justin.”

Justin’s heart was breaking. “I don’t care. I want to be with you. I have wanted to be with you since I saw you. Then when I read your articles about me, God Brian.” Justin leaned in and kissed Brian’s cheek and whispered, “I fell hopelessly in love with you Brian Kinney.”

Brian was shocked. Had Justin just said that he loved him? No. That couldn’t be possible. How could anyone love a man like him? Let alone the beautiful talented artist Justin Taylor. Brian couldn’t believe his own ears. But then, he looked once again into Justin’s eyes and saw the love in them. It was undeniable.

No one had ever looked at him that way before. No one. “I love you too Justin,” the words were out of his mouth before he could stop them.

Before Brian could analyze them anymore in his head, he felt Justin’s arms encircle his body. His skin tingled at the touch.

Justin wanted Brian. It was as though they were opposite sides of a magnet, pulled together. His lips found Brian’s lips and they began to taste and devour each other as though they had done it before a million times.

Neither man noticed when they had both gotten rid of their clothing but soon their naked bodies entwined together on the sheets.

Brian lay panting and scared under Justin’s body. He wanted Justin to make love to him, but he was not sure if he could let someone so close to him.

Justin stared into Brian’s hazel eyes. He saw the fear in them and stopped his hands from exploring the man’s large penis. “We don’t have to do this Brian,” Justin said breathlessly.

Brian stared up at Justin. The boy was beautiful. He looked and felt like the angel that used to hold him in his dreams when he was a child. A tingling passed through his body and he felt himself relax under Justin’s comforting weight. He was not scared anymore. He wanted Justin. “I want you inside me,” Brian said, his voice lustful.

Justin nodded his head. “I…I...haven’t ever done this before Brian,” he confessed.

Brian smiled, “Just take it easy. It can’t be that hard.”

Justin laughed and stroked his cock, “Oh, believe me, it is.”

They both laughed for a minute and then Justin leaned down and kissed Brian, “I want to be inside you. Do you have any condoms?”

Brian smiled, embarrassed. He reached into his night table drawer and pulled out a few.

Justin watched in awe as Brian ripped the packet open with his teeth and put the lubricated condom on his cock. He almost came when Brian’s hands encircled his penis but thankfully, the older man took his hand away before he did.

Justin kneeled in between Brian’s spread legs and slowly pushed them up to his chest. He looked closely at Brian’s tight, small hole. He had watched a few porno movies, had looked at many gay magazines, and always imagined having sex. Now that it was real and not just fantasy, he was a little unsure of the mechanics.

“Justin…” Brian moaned. His heart was racing and he just wanted to feel Justin inside him already!

Justin leaned in and started to kiss Brian’s soft folds of flesh.

“Oh, God!” Brian keened.

Justin smiled and dove in. He kissed and sucked Brian’s virgin hole until he heard Brian begging him for more. However, Justin wasn’t finished. The taste of Brian was addicting and he did not ever want to stop his feast.

“Please Justin, please fuck me now,” Brian begged. He was completely lost in pleasure. Nothing mattered in the entire world but himself and Justin. He felt open and free. He didn’t care about cleanliness or being orderly, this was what was pure.

Justin darted his tongue in and out of Brian’s folds. His own cock was leaking into the condom and he knew that they were both close, so he stopped his actions and got into position.

Brian looked into Justin’s eyes. “I want it,” he told his soon-to-be lover and wrapped his long legs around Justin’s slim waist.

With shaky hands, Justin put his condom-covered cock against Brian’s entrance and pushed the head in.

“Oh god, Justin!” Brian whimpered. It was so fucking painful, but it felt so good too. He had dealt with so many other kinds of pain, but never this. Never this, pleasure-fulfilling kind of pain that made his whole body feel so wonderful.

Justin stopped moving. “Does it hurt too much?” he asked Brian, scared that he would have to stop, it felt so good being inside Brian, but he never wanted to cause Brian pain.

Brian nodded his head, “But it feels so fantastic Justin. Oh, god I swear I can feel your heartbeat from your cock inside me. You feel really big. Just, give me a second and then push in some more.”

Justin had the audacity to blush at Brian’s comment, but it caused a thrilling reaction in his body too. After a moment, he felt Brian’s ring of muscles ease up on his cock and he pushed in a few more inches, “How does it feel Brian?”

“You’re stretching me… it’s so deep Justin. God, it feels so good.” Brian‘s words made Justin’s cock pulse inside Brian’s warm hole.

“You feel so good too, Brian,” Justin said. He leaned his entire body down to kiss him. When he did, Brian raised his ass and gave the rest of himself to Justin, sliding himself along Justin’s long thick cock.

They both moaned into each other’s mouths from the intense experience. Then, on instinct, they began to rock together. Their bodies knew one another’s pleasure as though it was their own.

Justin could feel his balls tightening; he was going to come soon. He moved his hand to Brian’s cock but Brian slapped his hand away. “Too close,” Brian told him, and brought him into another kiss. “I want your cock to fuck the come from me.”

Justin nearly lost it right then but managed to gain some control and gusto. His thrusts became quicker. His balls slammed against Brian’s ass. In the end, he was just digging his shaft into Brian’s hot hole, hitting Brian’s prostate with each movement.

“Ahh.. Ahh…. God Justin….” Brian yelled, smashing his lips onto Justin’s as he started to shoot his load between them.

Justin felt Brian’s walls clamping down around his cock and then he was coming too. He shot hard and fast into the condom, holding onto Brian’s body like it was a lifeline as they both shook with the aftershocks of their orgasms.

Justin stayed inside Brian and looked down at his sweaty panting lover who was giving him a funny smile. "What is it?" Justin asked still breathless and very tired.

Brian hugged Justin to him, placing his head on his chest, "For the first time…I feel... wicked." Brian whispered.

Justin kissed Brian’s chest and then both lover's, lost in the moments, fell asleep, Justin still inside Brian.

The dancer slows her frantic pace. In pain and desperation, Her aching limbs and downcast face. Aglow with perspiration, Stiff as wire, her lungs on fire, With just the briefest pause. They flood through her memory, The echoes of old applause. -Rush

May 4th, 2007

Brian awoke the next morning and immediately started to shake inside when he didn't feel Justin's arms around him. It scared the shit out of him. His breathing became ragged and he squeezed his eyes shut. ”Oh god, Oh god no!” he screamed inside his head. “Let him still be here. I can’t do this. I can’t do this alone.”

"Brian? Are you awake sleepyhead?" At the sound of Justin's voice, Brian was able to immediately breathe easy once again. His eyes snapped open to meet two blue eyes staring at him with concern.

Justin ran his hand through Brian's hair, "Are you all right, Brian?"

Brian attempted to sit up but Justin had moved into a straddling position upon him, "Yes, yes, I...I just, I thought that you had left. I thought maybe you realized I’m too much to handle.”

Justin frowned. "I'd never do that, Brian," he whispered and leaned down to kiss the man.

Brian turned his head to the side. "My breath, it probably stinks Justin," he mumbled and carefully pushed the boy off him.

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and grabbed for his robe and slippers. He couldn't find them. He looked around and then realized that Justin was wearing both.

His head started aching. Shit! His whole body ached. How did he not realize Justin was wearing them before?

Justin let out a long sigh, “I like the smell of your breath. The way you taste." Justin ran his hands up and down Brian's naked back. His hands caressed the sore muscles of Brian's shoulders and then went further down to the small of Brian's back.

"Justin, I, I really need to take a shower," Brian protested against the touches and tried to get up. He tried not to think about Justin wearing his things and he really, really tried not to think about how Justin had upset his detailed daily routine.

"I like the way your skin smells after we make love, it's making me so hard," Justin whispered into Brian's ear. He immediately felt the older man relax into his touch and started to rub his shoulders again. On every other pass or so, Brian would sigh and relax further into his caresses.

Brian wanted to stay in bed with Justin forever, but no matter the coaxing, he knew that he had to shower. He had to.

Justin's hands felt wonderful on his sore body, but he was craving hot water right now. It was an addiction as strong as it would be if it were a drug. His skin suddenly started feeling as if it were crawling with bugs. "Stop!" he shouted and bolted upright. He needed the hot water to tear away his filth. He didn't care if the smell turned Justin on, it was disgusting.

Justin jumped and watched as Brian ran naked through the house and into the bathroom. Tears brimmed in his eyes as he heard the sound of the water in the shower start. He wasn't sure what to do.”Should I go after him?” he asked himself. Justin didn’t know the answer and was debating this when the phone began to ring.

He looked at the phone next to the bed and saw that the caller ID read, Cynthia Prescott. He picked it up, hoping that he could talk to her and find out where he went wrong and what he needed to do to fix it.

"Hello?" he answered.

"Justin?" Cynthia said, her voice shocked and pleased.

"Yes, it's Justin," his voice cracked and he felt a few tears roll down his cheek.

"Is something wrong? Is it Brian?" Cynthia asked. She could hear the fear in Justin's voice.

Justin took a deep breath."I don't know what is wrong Cynthia. I'm sorry I don’t know what happened. Brian just…." Justin trailed off. He wasn't sure what exactly to tell Brian's friend.

"Tell me what happened, Justin? Brian is my best friend, he tells me everything," Cynthia encouraged.

"Last night was wonderful, we talked and we…we…we made love. But this morning when he woke up...." Justin lost it and started to cry.

"Justin, Justin, are you there?" Cynthia asked.

Justin wiped the tears from his eyes and cleared his throat. "Yes, I'm here. I am sorry; I'm just so worried about him. I don't know what I did wrong," Justin said, trying not to cry again. He'd been so hopeful about his and Brian's relationship when he’d awoken that morning.

Cynthia gasped, "Justin! You and Brian had sex?"

"It was more than that Cynthia," Justin confessed.

"I'm sure it was," she said. "Brian hadn't ever been with anyone, so I'm sure you can imagine how much he trusted you. He's probably just feeling really scared now, it isn't every day that you lose your virginity, and for Brian, having someone simply touch him can sometimes be traumatic."

"But it was my first time too," Justin confessed. "I thought he liked it. He really seemed to. We connected last night and now I feel so fucking alone." Justin shook his head, "I may not have given him exactly what he gave me, but it was my first time making love. I had dreamed about making love with him for years Cynthia. I don't want to lose him now that we have, now that we have found one another."

Justin heard the water shut off in the bathroom, “I think he just finished taking a shower. He was fast in there. He wanted to wash my smell off him.”

"It has nothing to do with that really. If Brian was fast in the shower, then believe me it is not all as bad as you think. Brian probably just felt that urge he gets to be clean when something upsets him. It is how he deals with his pain and almost anything he is scared of. Don't let his insecurities push you away. He's just scared, Cynthia said in a reassuring way. Then, her tone went quieter, “I'm pretty sure he loves you and I think you love him. Don't let anything change that."

"I won't and thanks. I had better go. I think we need to do some talking."

"Oh, wait. Justin, the reason I called was that Gardener wants Brian back! He told me to call and tell him that he wants to meet with him at Brian's convenience."

"How did that happen?" Justin asked happily.

"Let's just say that I casually mentioned that Brian was dating you and would do the one on one himself after he gets back from his break."

"Well, that's great Cynthia!" Justin said. "I'm sure he shouldn't have any problem doing the interview now."

"No." Cynthia laughed. "I would hope not. Just tell Brian to call me after you guys work out what happened this morning."

"Thanks, Cynthia, I'll tell him."

"Good luck Justin," Cynthia said before hanging up.

Justin was just replacing the phone when he saw Brian sheepishly pad his way back into the bedroom. "Who, who was on the phone?" He asked him.

Justin was deaf to Brian's words once he caught a glimpse of the man, still dripping wet and wearing only a towel around his small waist. Justin felt his cock stiffen underneath Brian's robe. "Huh?" He asked realizing that Brian's mouth had moved.

Brian crossed the room and sat beside Justin on the bed. "Who were you talking too?"

"Oh! Oh, sorry, that was Cynthia she wanted me to tell you that you have your job back." Justin blushed. She wants you to call her later. But we really need to talk first."

Brian gave a small smile. "Okay."

"I want to know why you ran to the bathroom earlier. I want to know what I did wrong." Justin said softly.

Brian ran his fingers through his wet strands of hair and shook his head. "Justin." He stood up from the bed and started to pace. "I freaked out."

"Because we made love?" Justin asked with a lump in his throat.

"No!" Brian said quickly. "Because, because...." Brian couldn't explain it any other way than to just tell Justin the truth. He honestly loved the blond and he never wanted to lie to him. Not about his disorder or about anything else. Tears started to form in his eyes and he started to shake inside.

Justin stood up and attentively put his hand on Brian's bare shoulder. "It's okay, Brian. Whatever it is, it's not going to make me run away. Just tell me the truth and we'll deal with it together.

Brian lightly shook Justin's hand away and turned his back before speaking. "When I woke up, I thought you weren't here. I thought that you had left." Brian said.

"But I didn't I was here," Justin said. "Brian I..."

Brian turned back around abruptly. "You were wearing my things, Justin," Brian said interrupting.

Justin stared at him wide-eyed with shock. He started to take the robe and slippers off but Brian stopped him by putting his hands on his shoulders.

"I.....I...shit Justin. I just have things I need to do. A routine." He said more softly looking into Justin's blue eyes, hoping that the younger man would understand.

Justin nodded. "And I'm not part of that routine Brian." He said sadly. "And I don't think I ever will be."

Brian shook his head and sat back down motioning for Justin to join him. When the boy sat stiffly beside him he grabbed his hand and squeezed gently. "For years I have gotten up and done the exact same thing every fucking day."

Justin had a few tears falling. "And you think I'm going to get in the way?"

"No, Justin," Brian said. "If anyone gets in anyone's way I'm sure it will be me with my odd behavior. I don't want you to have to deal with any of it. It's not fair for you."

Justin moved closer and brushed a thumb to wipe away one of Brian's stray tears. "Brian, can I ask you something?"

"Anything." The brunet quickly responded.

"If I was in a car accident and was stuck in a wheelchair, would you leave me?" Justin asked.

Brian huffed. "Of course not."

"But it wouldn't be fair to you. I would need special treatment; you might have to even rearrange the way you did things because I had to do them differently." Justin said.

"But that's different Justin. That would be something you couldn't have possibly helped." Brian said.

"Like you, Brian?" Justin said and kissed his lover's cheek. "You can't help what your parents did to you. You can't help that you have OCD. And it isn't fair, but it isn't fair for you. I wouldn't change you, Brian. You are the man that has written words about me that made me want to achieve. Not my family or friends, none of them have ever encouraged me the way you have. And I want to do the same for you."

"Justin..." Brian tried to protest but he really didn't have anything to say to that.

"Unless you don't want to be with me, which would hurt me so much after last night." Justin brought Brian into his arms. "If you don't want me then I will go, otherwise you are stuck with me, so you'll just have to bring me up to date on what you need and I'll tell you what I need. Then maybe together we can make a compromise. I won't know things that upset you unless you tell me. You can't take a shower and wash everything away all the time Brian." Justin was now openly crying against Brian's chest. "Now that you have me, and I have you, we can face everything head on ok?"

Brian wrapped his arms tightly around Justin's little body. "Okay." He said softly and moved to pull Justin's face up to his for a kiss. "I'm sorry."

Justin looked up and wiped at his tears. "It's okay, just talk to me. You really scared me. I thought you didn't want me." He whispered.

Brian shook his head and smiled. Justin was so beautiful. He felt his cock stir and start to harden. "I want you, Justin," Brian said in a husky tone. "Only, this time, can I take you?" Brian's hands started to unfasten the knot in Justin's robe as he watched the blond head nod in affirmation.

When Justin was completely naked Brian laid the blond back onto the bed. He threw his towel across the room making them both laugh. "Very risky Brian," Justin said through kisses when Brian pounced upon his body making them both bounce.

"You didn't' even notice that I dripped all over my floors. Not thinking about that was a feat in itself." Brian said with a laugh before driving his tongue into the depths of Justin's mouth.

They kissed and groped for a while. Giving time to build up the passion that coursed through their bodies like fire. They were blind to anything outside of themselves.

Brian's fingers probed Justin's virgin hole with lube gently while Justin sucked Brian's hard member like a pro. Their moans only served to tingle underneath each other's skin.

Justin felt the pain as he was stretched with Brian's fingers but he also felt the pleasure of his lover's arousal at performing the act right in his mouth. Brian's cock leaked pre-come heartily into his throat while his fingers probed his pucker expertly.

Suddenly Brian pulled his dick from Justin's mouth and turned around to kiss Justin. His fingers still spreading the pulsing hole. "You want me inside you?" He breathed while moving his three fingers inside the warm passage.

Justin ground down on Brian's hand and breathed against his face. He was so close to coming as it was, the thought of Brian's long thickness inside him, overfilling him, was almost his undoing. "Yes, please." He moaned and started to bite at Brian's neck.

Brian rutted against Justin and then started to kiss him again. His tongue pushed his spit into the boy's mouth, making Justin savor the mint sweet taste and in return savoring the taste of his dick juice in Justin's mouth.

Justin's legs wrapped around Brian's waist and both men were too eager and too wanton to notice the lack of protection as Brian's spit slicked shaft entered between his fingers, the fingers that were spreading the lips of Justin's ass to make for easier entrance.

"Ahhhhh!!! Fuck!!!" Justin screamed in pain and pure abandonment as Brian did this. But fuck was it good. His head thrashed back and forth until he came down from the rush and felt Brian kissing and sucking on his nipple.

He looked down and could tell that only half of Brian's penis was inside! Shit, he already felt so full!!! But he wanted more. "Come on Brian. I'm ready, slide it in me."

Brian looked up at him. He'd started to obsess over the pink hard nub and had been sucking and biting it while he waited for Justin to adjust to his girth. But now, now Justin wanted it. So he leaned up and kissed him gently on the cheek before rising back on his forearms and pushing his pelvis until it was flush with Justin's ass.

The tightness and heat made Brian scream out. He'd never felt so fucking good! He looked down and saw that Justin was squeezing his eyes tight and licking his pouty lips with his pink tongue. The sights were about to be a visible overload going straight to his pulsing dick.

Justin opened his eyes and saw Brian watching him. He was in pain, but he knew it would pass; his dick had yet to deflate. "Fuck me, Brian." He moaned out and started to grind his ass into Brian's cock, feeling the curly brown pubes scrape against his soft cheeks. God was that a turn on. It made his cock full mast.

"You're so beautiful Justin," Brian said and bent his torso to kiss him as his ass raised and pulled out of the hot hole before slamming back in again.

It seemed like hours that the couple kissed and ground their bodies tightly together. They were both drenched in sweat when for the fifth time Justin begged for Brian to let him come and he did. The screams he was sure could be heard in the condo next door, but neither cared.

They both saw stars and the fucking ocean and had the out of body experience. But it was more than that. It was like they were in one another's bodies, in their brains. Brian felt every ounce of pleasure he gave Justin and vice versa. They were reaching the peak completely together.

Brian pounded into the clenching orgasmic chute powerfully as he gave into his own moans and screams, his arms collapsed and he pulled Justin tighter against him as their bodies rocked and instinctively until Justin's come lubed their slapping torsos and Brian's come went shooting hard, splashing warm seed deep inside Justin's orifice.

Panting heavily into exhaustion, both men fell asleep. Their bodies still atwitter with the aftershocks of their orgasms.

I know what makes me comfortable, And I know what makes me tick….All the rest is outta my hands, I will learn to love what I can not change…- Rhimes

January 4th, 2008

Months passed from the morning that Justin lost his virginity. He had Brian were deeply in love with one another. He'd woken and quickly cleaned himself and Brian. Brian never seemed to realize that they’d had raw sex and he never told Brian that they hadn't used a condom. Justin knew that it was not the right thing to do. He knew that he should discuss their mistake. However, he didn't want to scare Brian unless it was necessary. He knew how adamant Brian was about cleanliness. He also knew that because they were both virgins they didn’t have to worry about STDs, so he didn't see the point in upsetting the man unless something or more importantly, someone came off of he unprotected sex.

The first few weeks after the sex Justin silently hoped and prayed nothing had happened. He knew that even though he and Brian loved one another, bringing a child into the world at the very beginning of their relationship would spell disaster for them. He wasn’t entirely sure how Brian felt about having children. Three weeks later, he took a pregnancy test and it came out negative. Further reassurance came when a few days after that he experienced his hormonal overcharge. Justin had never felt more relieved. After the first mishap, he made sure they were very careful to always use protection.

Over the next months, Justin and Brian fell even more in love with each other as they grew to know one another. Brian grew more confident at his job, especially after interviewing Justin, much to Gardener and Cynthia’s delight. Justin’s art blossomed and he was able to be freer with it than he ever had before. However, he avoided his mother and Daphne at all costs. They spent a lot of time with Cynthia and an old friend of Justin’s late father, but besides them, they retreated into their own world, loving and learning one another and their pasts.

Justin delved into the inner workings of Brian. Most of Brian's routines were easy to come accustomed to because though they were committed to each other, they both still lived alone. Many of the major quirks Brian had with his routines were things Justin did not often experience or were easy to adjust to.

Most weeknights the blond spent at Brian's condominium because the Brunet had to go to work early. Because Justin was an artist, his hours were flexible and often he slept in at Brian’s and went to his home later that day.

The weekends, the couple spent at Justin's house. Each day spent there was a growing experience for Brian. Even though Justin had made some changes in his messy apartment, Brian still had to learn to overlook a lot of Justin’s quirks.

The biggest thing he couldn’t stand was the unorganized clutter. Brian would constantly have to turn away and will his mind not to focus on the piles of canvases strewn around each of the lofts rooms. Even the bathroom had a sketchpad and pencils on the sinks vanity. For his part though, Justin did try to clean up after himself in all other ways. Brian knew, after organizing Justin’s supplies and canvas’ once, that Justin had to have things the way he needed them. Otherwise, it hindered his creative process. Brian just wished the man would designate one room as a studio and close the door on the mess. But, Justin had yet to comply with that request.

Another thing that bugged Brian was the temperature Justin kept his apartment. He always had it much warmer than Brian liked. Brian always had to take off his sweaters and sit around in his white undershirt. This made him feel unkempt even if it was Justin's favorite look on him. Brian was tempted to think the blond kept the temperature hotter on purpose, but seeing, as Justin would still wear socks, a sweater and sometimes a hat, he kept the observation to himself.

Besides a few fights and temper tantrums from both men, things between Brian and Justin were wonderful over the eight months.

Justin and Brian both enjoyed touring all of Chicago's museums, even if they'd seen them before. There was always a new exhibit to enjoy and Brian always procured free passes he got from work in return for a write up in the family fun section of the paper.

Before, Brian would loathe going to the museum because of the crowds. Now, with Justin beside him, Brian wasn't nearly as afraid to go to these places with large crowds and he didn’t focus on the fears of germs he thought the places housed. Never in his life did he feel as empowered as he was with the blond boy beside him. Justin often helped Brian get ideas for the extra articles he wrote. Brian had even been given a raise and he knew it was all thanks to Justin’s influence and love.

Brian was Justin's biggest art admirer and critic. He would give the boy his honest opinion, good or bad, whilst still encouraging the blond to continue and strive for better. He also, of course, gave wonderful reviews to him whenever he liked a certain piece that shone out of the many at his gallery showings. He could possibly be biased, but his thoughts and praise of the man were well deserved.

This, of course, made Justin very happy. It was so validating to have someone treat his art as though it truly meant something other than just a good painting to hang on a wall. He treated Justin’s art as though each piece should be viewed and savored.

Cynthia, of course, couldn't have been happier and loved watching the little changes in Brian’s success professionally and personally. They didn't keep paper bags in a drawer of Brian’s desk any longer and Brian even allowed his best friend to use his personal bathroom. That way she didn't have to walk far to use the other employee’s lady’s room.

Cynthia and Justin got along famously and she was so happy to see the confidence Justin had helped Brian achieve.

The article in the paper Brian wrote about the interview was done so beautifully that it brought Justin some great commissions and showings. He was able to pay off his mortgage with one of the commissions. Life had gone well the first months together. They gained strength from each other, overcoming obstacles; however, there were still a few in their way they could no longer avoid.

August 21st, 2007

Jennifer Taylor walked into her son's room, Daphne beside her, only to find her son naked and sitting astride a familiar looking older man shouting obscenities as they climaxed, “Justin!”

Justin turned toward the women, startled by her scream. His body went quickly from pleasure, shock, to anger. He looked at her menacingly; he could not believe that after months of her and Daphne gallivanting around Europe, with his money, she would waltz into his apartment, let alone his bedroom, unannounced. "Get out," he said through panting breaths as he grabbed and draped the sheet over himself and Brian. Seconds later, he heard his bedroom door slam closed.

Brian started to shake and he squeezed his eyes shut. He heard Justin whispering to him calmly and kissing the side of his face as he held him. But Brian still felt himself shutting down, retreating into himself.

"Shh. Brian, it's all right. It's just my mom and Daphne," Justin said softly, kissing Brian's cheek and slowly he moved off the man, the cock slipped from inside him as he did. He moved the sheet down to Brian’s shoulders and kissed him. “It’s okay Brian,” he told him, worriedly.

Brian lay on the bed under the sheet Justin had pulled around him. He looked at Justin through slitted eyes, as he remained motionless. He watched as Justin got up and opened his bedroom door, yelling to his mother that he'd be out in a few minutes.

When Justin came back beside his boyfriend, he slowly lifted the sheet off from Brian's body and kissed him soundly, "It's just my mom,” he said, pulling back from the kiss, his hands rubbing Brian’s forearms. You had to meet her sometime, as much as I’ve tried to avoid her calls Brian, I think today is the day we tell her about us. Please, come with me. I promise I won’t let her come between us. I swear to you."

Brian looked into Justin’s teary eyes and had no choice but to believe his lover. He nodded his head and sat up. “Okay,” he whispered. He took a deep breath, kissed Justin’s cheek and then quickly snapped the full condom off his deflating cock, holding it between his two fingers. His face scrunched up in disgust and Justin came to the rescue taking it from him and setting it in the bedside trash hamper. "I… I… have to meet her?” Brian asked, remorsefully.

“Yes,” Justin confirmed. “We have to do this. But it will be okay, no matter what we have each other and I love you.”

“But, she, she just saw me fucking her son!" Brian said loudly, realizing how horrible this situation was going to turn out to be.

Justin laughed nervously and put his hand over Brian's mouth playfully, "And she probably just heard you talking about it too!"

"Shit Justin!" Brian put his arms on his knees and buried his face in his hands. "This is so not good. I do not think I can do this," he told him softly.

Justin sat down beside him and pulled his hands away, "We are going to do this. I told you she thinks I'm a disgusting fag anyway. It doesn’t matter what I’ve ever wanted Brian. At least now maybe Daphne will see that I'm never going to marry her."

Brian smiled. "Who are you going to marry?" he teased.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" Justin jumped up and kissed Brian's lips before running into the bathroom for a quick shower. Brian slowly walked into the bathroom behind him.

After the shower, both boys emerged. Justin dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt and Brian in a pair of 501's and surprisingly, a green t-shirt. It was one of Justin's and fit his torso like a glove. To Justin, it highlighted the perfect form Justin knew so well, was underneath it.

Brian wasn't too happy that Justin had used his spare t-shirt to sleep in the night before, but looking in the mirror he realized that he did look fit in the shirt. It made him smile and so did the erection he saw Justin had when he put it on and modeled it for him. He was still smiling when they joined the two waspy women in the living room, Justin holding his hand and giving him strength.

Both Jennifer and Daphne popped up from the sofa the minute the men walked into the room. Their arrogant faces’ expressions were filled with embarrassment and anger.

"Mom, Daphne, this is my partner Brian Kinney," Justin said. It was the first time he’d referred to Brian as that, but it seemed fitting.

Jennifer gave a polite smile and reached out to shake Brian's free hand. Brian started at it a minute too long before Justin saved him and grabbed his mother in a tight awkward hug. It was the last thing he wanted to do at that moment, but he didn’t want to draw attention to Brian’s reluctance to shake his mother’s hand, "So why did you stop by unannounced?"

Brian went to sit in the recliner across from the couch and Justin followed sitting on the arm of the chair and placing his hand in Brian's hand once again. Brian gave the blond's hand a squeeze in thanks for the save. He really didn't like to shake hands. Usually when in a meeting or interview he'd make sure his hands seemed occupied as to not seem rude. He would usually just give a polite smile and nod. That really didn't work when you met people personally, but then Brian rarely did that.

"We stopped by to see your new pieces. Are they finished?" Daphne piped up. Her eyes never met Justin's, they only scanned the older man, whose free hand was rubbing small circles on the blond’s waist.

Justin smirked. This was the same question his mother and Daphne would ask when they left messages on his voicemail. "No, actually they aren't. I have a while before the Gherkin Show so I thought I'd relax and spend some time with Brian, he is very inspiring," Justin said and leaned back to peck Brian's perfect nose with a kiss.

"Doesn't Brian have anything better to do than to spend time with a kid?" Jennifer said, making a crack at Brian and Justin's age difference.

Brian gripped Justin's waist slightly and leaned forward. His heart pounded, but he wasn't going to back down. Justin smiled down at him and he cut his gaze to Jennifer. "Your son and I have many things in common, we have intelligent conversations and, and I love him very much," Brian said. “I wouldn’t want to spend my time with any other man.”

Daphne gasped. "You love him?" she said snidely. "You can't!"

"Why not Daphne?" Justin questioned. "Are you the only one that could see past all of poor little Justin's faults? All the things you and my mother constantly rag on me about? You are the only one that can love me, even though all you've done since I started making money is make me feel like shit and spend my money with my mother. I don’t even know you anymore."

"Justin that's enough," Jennifer said. "There is no way that you and this, this, this Brian could have any future together. Do you think he'll marry you? You actually believe he’ll give you the big family you say you always wanted? That isn’t the life gay men lead. You think he’ll actually stick around with you?"

"Yes!" Justin said his voice full of anger. "Brian has given me so much already. More than you two ever have!"

Brian felt adrenaline pulse through his body as he glared at Jenifer, “He’s right you know. We are in love and we have a future together. I’ll cherish Justin for who he is and not who I want him to be.” He turned his attention to Daphne, “And I certainly won’t use him for his money!”

Justin was surprised but happy with Brian’s words. He actually felt his body heat up with desire from Brian’s adamant statements. He got up from the chair and walked over to the loft’s door, pulling it open. "Leave now, or you'll see more than me riding his cock!"

Both women stood then and gasped at Justin's words, their noses turned into the air. "Well, you are on your own then. Don't come to us when he breaks your heart Justin!" his mother said as she walked out the door, the girl following her like a puppy.

Justin slammed the door shut behind them. Brian was there hugging Justin to him immediately. He was shaken from what the blond and he himself had said. "Justin?" Brian stroked the silky locks of his lover’s hair.

Justin raised his head, "Hmm?" He looked up into Brian's hazel eyes. They were glassy with tears, "It's okay Brian. I don't need her. That needed doing a long time ago. Don't listen to her." He ran his fingers through the back of Brian's hair, “You’re all I need. I don’t need someone who has never loved me.”

"That's not it Justin. Though, you’re right. No one needs anyone like that. It's what you said. You know that I would do anything for you, give you anything I could right?" Brian asked.

"Of course Brian, the same goes for me for you," Justin said and leaned up to give Brian a deep kiss.

"But Justin," Brian pulled back from the kiss and took Justin's hands in his. "I'd marry you right now; go down to the courthouse today if you wanted."

Justin smiled at the thought, "I love you too Brian. Maybe someday...."

"Yes, Justin," Brian interrupted. "Someday you and I will marry. I have no doubt about that." He kissed their joined hands, "And I want to make you happy forever."

"You do already Brian," Justin said softly. “I have no doubt you always will.”

"But, I don’t think I’ll be enough for you Justin. You know, I could never give you a family Justin. I could never get you pregnant. I could never have a baby with you, shit, if it was going to be with someone, it would be with you. But, I can't ever do it. It, it could have problems, problems like me." Brian said. "Any baby that was a part of me wouldn't be healthy Justin."

Justin didn't know what to say. In all logic, it was probably true. But, Justin didn't want to give up on having a family. "Then we could get a sperm donor if that’s what you’re worried about," he countered.

Brian shook his head, "It's not only that Justin. I couldn't do it! I couldn't be a father. Not after what mine did to me. I just can't be put in that position ever," Brian started to cry, “I might be just like my mom and dad. You know there is something wrong with them to have them treat me the way they did Justin. Yes, I could pass that on to my biological child, but what if I did something horrible to the baby and hurt him?”

"God Brian,” Justin cried, holding onto his lover. He couldn’t imagine Brian would ever treat their children the way he’d been treated, but he knew he might never convince his lover of that. “It's all right, Brian. As long as I have you that's all the family I need." Justin hugged Brian for a few minutes and then looked at him intently, "How about we go back to bed and you make love to me?" he smiled through his tears. “You can show me the loving, caring man I know you are Brian. You can show me exactly what being a family means.”

Brian wiped away his tears and took Justin’s outstretched hand. He followed Justin into the men's room where he proceeded to show Justin, just how much he really did love him.

January 4th, 2008

Months later, Daphne and Justin’s mother had left Justin alone. He hadn't even spoken to his mother; she was off spending the money she earned as his manager. That would, however, be changing soon. He had contacted a new lawyer, Kerry Logan. He had her go over the Agent contract he’d signed years before. Because Justin signed it before he was legally an adult, Jennifer had to co-sign the contract as his legal guardian. However, the contract was only in Jennifer’s best interest, not Justin’s best interest. Kerry Logan informed Justin that there were definitely problems with the entire contract his mother and her lawyer drew up. That wasn’t the only problems they came across, they also found that the portion of the settlement Jennifer received from Craig’s car accident was supposed to go into a separate account for the blond that not according to his father’s lawyer, was not be touched until Justin was twenty-five. However, they found that Jennifer had been authorizing withdraws from the savings account for the last year. There could possibly be legal ramifications for both Jennifer and her lawyer if they decided to fight Justin when he officially fired her and when he confronted her about the missing funds. He hoped she wouldn’t fight him and that she would be able to explain the money missing from his Trust. He didn’t want to start a huge fight with his mother. Nevertheless, he was pretty sure that was where it would all lead when she received the letter of dissolution.

When he signed the form last week, he’d never felt so free. He never had to worry about someone telling him how to paint, act or present himself again. Brian didn’t mind that Justin gained a considerable amount of weight since they began dating. He didn’t even bat an eye whenever Justin would worry about it. He told Justin that he looked the same, but Justin knew that wasn’t true. He was sure that his high metabolism had slowed down now that he was older and it was probably time for him to get a gym membership.

First, he would need to go to see Jon. Besides Jon being his late father’s best friend, he was also Justin’s doctor and they’d become even closer friends now that Jennifer had mostly stayed out of Justin’s life. Justin was sure she was jealous of his relationship with the man. Justin didn’t understand why, he just wanted to know someone that would tell him stories about the father he never knew. Jon was always good at telling Justin stories about his father. Justin was happy that over that last couple of months he’d been able to spend time with the man and discuss his problems. Now, he needed to call him and make an appointment.

For the last two weeks, he’d been feeling sick, shortly after he got up in the morning and then various times throughout the day he felt exhausted. When he first asked Jon about it, the doctor told him that the flu was going around and that he should be over it soon. He’d avoided Brian during this time, as he usually got sick after Brian went to work. It usually passed by the time Justin saw him at night and Justin was sure the Brunet was resilient to whatever bug he’d picked up.

However, after Justin got sick he would usually go home right afterward, feeling much better. Today though, Brian was at work and Justin should have already been back in his apartment but instead, he was lying in a sweaty heap in Brian's bed. It was the sixth morning in a row that he threw up to the point of exhaustion. He also had not told Brian because he was admittedly selfish and did not want to be without the man. They were already going to be apart for the six weeks that Justin would be teaching a student art seminar at Gherkin Hall in San Diego. It was selfish, but Justin also knew that Brian was more than up to date on any preventative shots he might need and he was grateful the man had not gotten sick.

Justin had his usual appetite for the rest of the day, with mild queasiness, so he didn't understand these bouts of sick each morning. He knew though, that he had to go to the doctor. He just wasn't feeling normal. He had to leave for California for the Gherkin seminar the next day and he really didn't want to be sick the entire time he was there.

Struggling out of bed, Justin searched through the numbers for his cell phone to call Jon. Hopefully, an antibiotic would get whatever it was, out of his system. He would hate to have to cancel the seminar. It was a great opportunity, especially because he wanted to finish his schooling and possibly become an art teacher.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.-Elizabeth Stone

January 4th, 2008

A few hours later Justin sat on a cold exam table in John’s office. Goosebumps covered his bare legs that he swung back and forth against the table. His sock-clad feet were far from touching the tile floor beneath them, reminding him of what it was like the first time he’d come into the office as a child. He had only been about five years old then, his skin full of hives, stuffy nose, and swollen eyes. The first of many appointments for his severe allergy problems.

Justin's hands lay his lap folded together; his thumbs twiddled around one another. He was extremely nervous. He hoped that he’d not come down with a virus that might derail his plans for San Diego. It was a wonderful opportunity for him. Justin loved being an artist; he would always be an artist. However, Justin had always dreamt of being an art teacher. Jennifer never allowed Justin the opportunity to pursue the dream because she insisted on him travelling the world and showing his art that way.

Justin was now an established artist and could live a good life with the money he already made; he wanted to give back somehow. Agreeing to do the seminar had been his first step in that direction. He would hate to be sick and not at his best and it would kill him to miss his first lecture.

Upon arrival at the clinic, and hearing about the problems Justin was experiencing a nurse took him to the room and had him give a urine sample. She then took some blood and then his blood pressure and asked him some other questions.

"Has your stress level been particularly higher lately Justin?" she asked, deflating the band around his arm and writing the numbers down on his medical chart.

Justin nodded his head, yes and the young nurse gestured for him to go on with his explanation. "I've been getting ready for a show as well as a guest spot teaching a seminar course in California. I’m supposed to leave tomorrow. That's why it was so important for me to come in today. This has been going on for a little while and I just haven't been well," he said worriedly.

"Well Justin," the nurse began. "It could very well be all the stress you are under that is causing you to feel under the weather. However, with the list of your allergies, it could also be an unknown food or air allergy. Could you tell me more about the symptoms you are experiencing? That way if they find anything in your urine sample or blood work that is out of the ordinary, your doctor will have a little more to go on," she smiled encouragingly.

"Well, I've been getting nauseous mostly when I wake up in the morning. Sometimes I lay in bed and think of excuses as to why I shouldn't get up, and then as soon as I do I'm running for the bathroom, sick to my stomach," Justin told her. "I often feel panicked and I don't know what to do," Justin rubbed his face with his hands.

"Well, it sounds to me like you might have an anxiety disorder. I've written down what you've told me, but maybe you can explain it to the doctor as well. He might be able to give you something to calm your stress level down. Has there been anything else going on with your body that has been out of the ordinary?" the nurse asked.

"Actually, I have been eating much more than what I normally do at a sitting," Justin said thinking back to his recent habits. “Even if I feel sick, I still eat afterward.”

"Comfort foods?" the nurse prompted.

Justin nodded, "Yeah, and that's just about all I ever eat. All I have a taste for."

"Sounds to me like you may be eating to soothe your nervousness," the nurse assessed. "How about you get into this smock and hop on the scale for me?" She handed Justin the gown from the drawer under the table.

Justin quickly took off his tee and jeans and put on the thin, loose smock. He hesitantly stepped on the scale and looked away when the doctor adjusted the scale and took his weight.

"Hmm...” the nurse spoke under her breath.

"What?" Justin asked, getting down and climbing back onto the table.

"Well, you've gained fifteen pounds since you were here last according to your chart," she said softly.

Justin rolled his eyes and made a noise, "I really haven't had the time to work out." He stepped off the scale, his body stiff. He crossed his arms around himself, feeling extremely vulnerable. He had noticed that he was getting a little heavier, but now he was worried. He hadn’t expected it to be that much of a weight gain.

"I'm going to go see about your samples Justin. Your doctor should be in to see you in just a few minutes okay?" The nurse took his chart and opened the door to leave.

"Okay, thank you," Justin replied, his voice shaky as he watched the woman walk out the door.

"Come in," Justin called with relief when he heard the doctor knock on the door. He crossed his legs at his ankles and hands in his lap, not wanting to appear as nervous as he was when he greeted John.

"Hello Justin," the older, but gorgeous and friendly doctor said. He clutched Justin's chart to his chest with one arm and leaned in to hug the boy with the other.

"Hello Dr. James," Justin replied with a smile.

John laughed, “You don’t have to call me Dr. James.”

“But I’m in your office,” Justin said with a smile.

“Then I suppose we should get down to why you’re here,” the man said gently.

Justin felt the color drain from his face when he saw John’s expression change from a smiling to serious in a matter of seconds. "Is... is there something wrong with me John?"

John hated the look of fear so evident in the familiar blue eyes. He wouldn't prolong this anymore. He knew the diagnosis would be a shock to the boy. However, he had spent time with both Justin and Brian and he could clearly see the strong relationship the two young men shared. There was no doubt they were in love, and John was sure they could survive and thrive with what the future held.

John took the artist's small hand in his, “I had the lab put a rush on your urine sample and they were quick to come back with the results. There isn't really anything wrong with you Justin."

Justin let out a deep breath in exasperation, "Well...what about…"

John cut him off and smiled again, "You're perfectly healthy Justin and you don’t have the flu. Your blood tests haven’t come back yet, but with the results from the other test, I can almost guarantee you that what you are feeling isn’t serious. It’s normal. You probably have morning sickness. You get what I’m saying right, Justin?" He told the blond, looking into the blue eyes intently.

"Wha?” Justin screamed, causing John to tighten his grip on his hands. His heartbeat began to skyrocket.

"The urine sample concluded with 99.9% accuracy that you are pregnant. All of your other symptoms point to this too Justin," John explained softly, yet there was still excitement in his voice. “You wrote that you didn’t know your last HOC. That’s probably because you haven’t experienced one in a while.”

Justin ripped his hand from his friend's and ran both of his hands through his hair while shaking his head in disbelief. "This can't be possible John," he told the doctor in a scared whisper. "We have always used protection, except for that first time. I told you about it and we had the full checkup. I'm no expert but I'd imagine I'd be a lot bigger than...” Justin’s words trailed off as his hands smoothed the thin cloth over his stomach. A stomach that was undeniably round. His lips trembled as his eyes shook with unshed tears. He looked up at John, "I’m too small though." His hands caressed his slightly protruding belly, his eyes suddenly seeing his body in a foreign way.

"We know you weren't pregnant then Justin," the doctor spoke softly. John titled Justin's bowed head to look at him. Wonder and fear painted the boy's face.

"But how come I am now?" Justin whispered. “I’m on birth control John. This can be a mistake,” he pleaded with John to agree with him.

John swallowed the lump in his throat as he saw how distressed Justin suddenly became. "There isn’t a mistake Justin.” John put his hand on Justin’s belly and pressed on it tightly. “I can tell from the way your stomach is firm, and that your weight is all down in your lower abdomen. Justin, when they usually run a pregnancy test on a urine sample it can take up to ten minutes before a positive result may show. The technician told me that it came up positive in less than a minute. You’re pregnant."

Justin couldn't stop his tears now, “But we used double protection, John.”

"Condoms, if used right, are only 99% effective," John explained softly. "It may have torn while you put it on Brian or it might have been past its expiration date."

“No…no…no…” Justin cried into his hands.

John was stunned. He truly thought that this would be happy news for Justin. He knew it would be a shock, but he still thought that Justin would be overjoyed. However, all he heard in Justin’s voice was desperation and all he saw in his teary blue eyes was fear. “Justin, it’s going to be all right,” the doctor said, trying to soothe the blond.

"This...this...isn't possible," Justin, continued to cry. "You don't understand John," Justin’s tears became a waterfall of expression. "Brian said that there could be something wrong with the baby if we ever had one. Like...like there is with him! He thinks that there might be something wrong with his genes. I asked him about adoption, but he told me that he couldn’t do it. It wasn’t just his genes he’s worried about passing on. It’s his emotional connection, his fear of being like his father, he doesn’t think he could be a father to any child," Justin said desperately. “No matter how much he loves me, John, that’s the one thing he said he could never give me.”

John stood up from the stool he sat on and leaned in to take the young man's shaking body into his arms. "Shh Justin," he soothed while patting the boy's back. “I’m sorry I didn’t know. I know Brian’s history from what you’ve told me, and I’ve seen how he is different and I knew that it might be an obstacle, but I didn’t think it would be this big.”

Justin rested his head on the doctor’s shoulder and hugged him back tightly, “God, John I don’t know what to do.”

"You know that Brian may not have been born the way he is Justin. The abuse he suffered as a child, both physically and emotionally may be what has solely caused him to have the problems he has. He may not have been born with his mental disabilities. The baby may be perfectly healthy. If there were something wrong with the baby, would you love it any less?"

Justin looked up and wiped his tears, "No. No. Of course not John. Never." He pushed himself away from the doctor slightly, "But it isn't just that. I don't think that Brian could handle this. He would surely leave me. Leave us." Justin put a hand on his stomach for a second, looking down at his body as though it were alive in a completely new light. "He would think that I did all this on purpose. He knew that I wanted children and he made it perfectly clear that that would never be possible,” Justin broke back into his sobbing.

John once again gathered Justin into his arms. He hated to see the pain this was causing Justin. A situation that he would imagine would normally be a happy occasion for his young friend, now turned into a terrifying nightmare. "Justin. There are options," he hated saying it, but he was still a doctor. Moreover, seeing as how Justin was reacting, he wasn't sure that carrying the child to term would be what was best for the patient or the innocent child.

Justin looked up, his blue eyes like glass. "I will need to know how far along I am." Justin rubbed the tears from his eyes and spoke in a monotone voice; "Before I decide anything."

"I'm not that kind of Doctor Justin. You’ll need to see an obstetrician. I do have a good friend in the hospital that is. Would you like me to call him? We can go see him have him give you an exam and also an ultrasound," John suggested.

Justin nodded. "Please," his voice sounded nearly broken.

John grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and dialed his friend’s number, “Dr. Rhine?"

"Hi, John. It’s Mark, what do you need?" the man on the other end asked.

"Would you happen to be available to meet with a patient of mine," he said pleadingly. "He's the son of a very dear old friend of mine. You might remember him," John said softly. He was sure that the man on the other end would get his meaning. "We just found out that he is pregnant today," John couldn't help the pride that filled his voice for concerning his best friend's son, even if it was a hard situation for Justin.

"Well, I was getting ready to go home. Do you think that we can do this tomorrow?" Mark asked.

"Actually he has to leave tomorrow for California. He really needs to be checked out today, make sure he's okay to travel and all that," he nearly begged the man.

Justin sat and listened to John's end of the conversation. He had been very grateful to have the man through his childhood, and couldn't have ever been any more grateful to have him back in it than he was right now.

"Great! Thank you, he's here with me right now. I don’t have any more patients today so I’ll walk him up to your office," John said, before hanging up.

Justin watched as John closed his cell phone and turned back to him with a tentative smile. "What exactly is Doctor Rhine? An obste what?" the blond asked.

"He's an obstetrician. He helps patients throughout their pregnancy and then with the labor and delivery," John explained.

Justin visibly cringed at the thought of labor, “So where do we need to go?”

"We’re going to go over to the O.B. wing of the hospital, so you’ll need to get dressed. He was on his way home, but he agreed to let us go down and see him. He has an ultrasound machine in his office and he can give you an exam too."

“Okay,” Justin said, taking a deep breath as he hopped down from the table and started to dress.

John grabbed some cool wipes from the workstation handed them to Justin once the boy was dressed so the blond could wipe the tear tracks from his heated face.

"Thank you, John," Justin said quietly. They both knew Justin was thanking the older man for more than the tissues.

"I guess I should have realized what was going on, I'm so stupid," Justin said, grabbing his coat and following John out of the room.

"Why do you think that?" John asked concerned, as he walked with Justin down the hall.

Justin shook his head, "I haven't noticed that I didn’t have a hormone overcharge in maybe three or four months, now that I look back and really think about it. I guess I just thought that I was getting older so it didn't maybe happen as much. Brian doesn't go through one at all."

John stopped inside his personal office and grabbed his briefcase and coat. He then told his receptionist he was leaving and would finish Justin’s paperwork the next day.

Once they were in the hall, John shook his head, "That's not stupidity Justin, it is reason. Brian probably doesn't go through them because he takes all those medications. They probably counteract with his hormones. I understand that if you used condoms and birth control pregnancy might be the last thing you'd consider would happen. Especially with all the problems and reactions, you have had to foods and your medications. You weren't stupid to think it was anything but pregnancy."

Justin nodded and looked at John, "What do you think my dad would say if he was here?" It was a question that Justin asked the man concerning many things throughout his life. His mother never wanted to talk about Craig Taylor and John had always been the only constant male in his life through the hordes of men his mother had dated throughout his childhood.

While Justin grew up, John lived just down the block from Justin and would often take Justin to Broadway shows in New York or be on the sidelines cheering when he could at a swim meet.

Justin's mother, however, had spent so much of her time trying to estrange them once she realized Justin's talent in art. She used him as a commodity, John hated it, and his heart filled with bittersweet happiness when Justin called him to tell him everything that had happened with his mother.

"I think your father would be very happy to be a grandfather," John finally answered in a soft voice. Justin gave him a bright smile. "I think he would tell you to do what you think is right for you in your heart," John added.

"I want to be a father," Justin said sternly. "But I don't want to lose Brian. Not when I just found him. Found love," Justin said sadly.

They stopped in front of Doctor Rhine’s office and knocked on the door.

"Will you stay with me, John?" Justin asked the older man.

John smiled, "I’ll hold your hand if you like. I remember when your father...." John was interrupted with what he was saying when the door opened to and the older doctor smiled and ushered them inside.

"Doctor Rhine, this is Justin. He's Craig Taylor's little boy," John introduced.

The short man looked curiously at Justin and then back at John, "He sure is. Isn't he John?"

"You...you knew my father?" Justin asked wide-eyed with a smile.

The man smiled, "I sure did."

Justin smiled.

“Let’s go into the exam room,” Mark said, not explaining anything about Craig further as he led John and Justin into the room. Once there he prompted Justin to put on another smock and sit up onto the table.

“I had some blood taken from Justin Mark. Do you want me to have them send the sample down here tomorrow for the other tests?”

“That’d be great,” the obstetrician replied.

“What will that blood be used for?” Justin wondered.

“There are a number of tests that we’ll need to run for your baby’s health,” Mark replied.

“Okay,” Justin said softly.

Mark set his supplies up and then looked at Justin, “Do you want John to stay in here for this exam or would you like me to call a nurse to come?”

“No, I’d like John to stay please,” Justin said in a scared tone, lying back.

John moved to the head of the bed and took Justin’s hand, “It’ll be okay.”

Mark moved Justin’s legs into the stirrups, “This is a surprise pregnancy?”

Justin's nodded weakly as he felt the man start the examination, "Yes, and I really just need to know how far along I am. My partner, he has a mental disorder that could be hereditary. We weren't planning to get pregnant and well I am not sure if I am going to keep the baby or not."

“You don’t have any idea on the conception date or your last HOC?” Mark asked.

“No,” Justin said sorrowfully. “I don’t have any idea, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay Justin. We can still find out, it’s just, you’re really tense so I’m going to need you to relax okay?” Mark asked. “I’m just going to make sure that there aren’t any abnormalities and that inside everything looks healthy and we should be able to get a rough estimate of how far along you are. Then we’ll get the ultrasound set up and we should be able to determine it more accurately.”

“Okay,” Justin said softly, trying to calm his breathing. He felt so exposed and vulnerable. He was happy that John was holding his hand, but he wished that Brian were there with him.

The exam was very uncomfortable and even painful at times, but Mark had assured him throughout that it was normal. However, he didn’t talk much during the exam, and that made Justin worry. “Is there something wrong?” the boy asked after the doctor inserted the long tube for the internal ultrasound.

Mark shook his head, “No… I don’t think so. I’m just having a hard time determining your gestation. It’s not uncommon, so I’m going to use both devices for the ultrasound so we get a better picture.”

John brushed his hand through Justin’s hair, “Relax kiddo.”

Justin closed his eyes, “I’m scared.”

John’s heart broke for the boy, “I know.”

“Okay, let me just get the monitor turned on and then we’ll put some jell on your belly and move the transducer here over your belly and start to look around in there okay?”

Justin could only gulp and then nod in reply.

Mark stood up and turned on the monitor. He then turned off the lights in the room and lifted Justin’s gown.

Justin tried to calm his breathing as he started to feel more uncomfortable by the minute. He shivered as the doctor squeezed out the jell before rubbing it over his abdomen with the transducer. Then, suddenly his ears picked up a swooshing noise and his head turned toward the machine’s screen. “Oh my god,” Justin gasped.

Life is the sum of all your choices. ~Albert Camus

Friday, January 4th, 2008

Justin looked at Jon and then back to the screen, “That isn’t… tell me….”

Jon fought the tears he felt rush into his eyes so suddenly. He looked down at Justin's face; filled with the perfect mixture of shock and joy, “I think it's twins.”

“Yes and they are monozygotic, which means they are identical,” Dr. Rhine informed his patient.

"Twins," Justin said softly. "Are you sure,” Justin asked, having a hard time believing his own eyes.

"I'm positive," Marc told the boy. He softened his tone, “Justin it is pretty obvious.”

“It is,” Justin whispered. He looked at the screen, tears rolled down his face, “This makes things even worse.”

“Justin,” Jon said the boy’s name but was really at a loss for words. He wished that they could be happy about this… he wished he could…

“Jon,” Justin interrupted his friend’s thoughts. “I have to keep them now don’t I?”

Jon sighed, “The decision is yours, Justin.”

Justin turned toward the Mark, “Are you able to tell how far along I am now?”

Mark nodded and moved a tool on the computer that measured the length and width of the babies’ bodies. He then turned the image back to show both of the babies, “Based upon their measurements and the positioning and size of your womb I would say with almost complete certainty that you’re probably right at eleven weeks gestation. That is thirteen weeks according to the LMP, Lunar Month of Pregnancy, which is what we’ll be going by. You are still in your first trimester.”

Justin gulped, “By law, I can… I can still terminate the pregnancy… if I do it now?”

“Yes,” Jon whispered. “If that is what you want and what you feel is best to do.”

“Can you tell if there is anything wrong with them,” the blond asked. “Are they okay?”

Mark moved the transducer around and enlarged the picture on the screen, “We’ll call this one Baby A. Here is the heart and if you listen closely you can see the beating that goes along with that swooshing?”

“I hear it,” Justin said quietly, his eyes riveted to the screen. “The baby is formed okay too?”

Mark moved the transducer around to show the complete image of the baby, “Baby A looks perfectly healthy Justin.”

“Baby B? Can you look at that one,” Justin asked, trying to keep his composure.

Jon pet Justin’s hair. He kept quiet, not wanting to say or do anything that would sway Justin’s decision. He knew that the boy would need to make it on his own; otherwise, he may always regret the decision to abort or keep his children. That would not benefit anyone. Jon knew all too well those types of regrets.

“Baby B is just as healthy,” Mark concluded. He once again showed Justin the beating heart and then turned up the monitor so the boy could hear it. “If you want to delve further into any hereditary problems or risks we’d need to schedule you for an amniocentesis test... if you are going to go ahead with the pregnancy.”

The blond took the information in, “Is that dangerous?”

“There could be a risk to them, yes,” Mark told him.

“What would my due date be? If I decided to carry them to term,” Justin asked, his emotions kept tipping back and forth.

“Your due date would be July 13th, though twins are often born a little early… or you may even go over your due date,” Dr. Rhine told him.

“Okay,” Justin whispered, he laid back down on the table.

“How about we get you cleaned up,” Mark said. “Then maybe you and Jon can talk about your decision?”

“Will I… will I have you as a doctor if I keep them?” Justin wondered.

“If you’d like,” Mark told the boy. “I’d be glad to have you as a patient Justin and I can assure you that I’ve had experience with multiples as well. One of my patients gave birth to quads last week.”

“I can’t imagine having four,’ Justin said in wonder. “I can’t even imagine two.”

“Two would be pretty amazing,” Jon said softly. “One is amazing,” he said. “But two… that’d be wild.”

***
“That was nice of Mark to give you a disk of your ultrasound,” Jon said, holding Justin’s hand as they walked out into the parking lot.

Justin stopped in his steps and looked at his friend, “If I do this and he leaves me, Jon… will you be there to help me?”

Jon wrapped Justin in his arms, “You know I will.”

Justin looked up at the doctor, “We don’t have to go for coffee and talk about it. I’m keeping them, Jon. I’m keeping my babies.”

Jon nodded, “Brian?”

“I’ll talk to him tonight,” Justin said, stepping out of his friend’s embrace. “He’s a photographer, right? Maybe if he sees the images he’ll see the beauty in them.”

Jon smiled, “You may be right.” He was elated that Justin had chosen to keep the babies but he knew that there would be a rough road ahead of the boy, whether Brian stuck around or not.

“No matter what happens I’m keeping them. That is my only option, my only decision,” Justin said firmly.

“Do you think it might go better if maybe I talked to Brian?”

Justin shook his head, “No. I mean… I really appreciate you offering Jon, but if Brian’s going to be able to deal… to handle this with me then I’m going to need to tell him.”

“If you need me for any reason I want you to call me. Okay, Justin?”

“I will and well if you don’t hear from me tonight I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know how things go okay?”

“You’ll probably need Mark’s help to get you set up with a doctor, so be sure and call him tomorrow too okay?”

“I will,” Justin agreed.

“Good luck, Justin,” Jon gave the blond another hug and kissed his cheek. “I’ll be wishing for you.”

Justin managed to give the doctor a small smile, “Thanks.”

***
When Brian arrived home from work, he was surprised to see Justin sitting at his kitchen table. The blond didn't look up at him or even acknowledge him. The Brunet racked his brain, wondering if he’d done something wrong.

He then realized as he watched Justin that the boy must not have heard him come in. He seemed to be completely enthralled in what he was doing. He was twisting, licking and dunking an Oreo cookie in a glass of milk and moaning as he devoured it, "Hey, baby."

Startled, Justin dropped what remained of the cookie in the glass. This caused some of the milk to spill out onto the table. He got up quickly to retrieve a paper towel, "Sorry Brian." He grabbed the towel from the roll wiped up the mess.

Brian wondered why Justin seemed so jittery. Even he rarely cried over spilled milk.

"I didn't hear you come in," Justin told him, throwing the towel in the trash bin and going to the sink to wash his hands.

Brian knew there was definitely something wrong with Justin; the boy had yet to look at him. "Are you all right," he asked worriedly. He went into the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water, he could feel the tension coming from the blond and wasn’t sure if he should touch him or not but wanted to look at his face.

Justin nodded his head a little and dried his hands, "I'm fine." He felt his skin blushing as he realized that Brian was closely observing him. He turned to the man, "But, well, actually I have something I wanted to show you."

Brian threw the bottle of water away and then washed his hands, “Is it a new art piece?” That would definitely explain Justin’s behavior. Many times Justin would become extremely worried about a piece he was working on and would hesitate before showing him, though Brian didn’t understand why. However, he was sure it had something to do with Jennifer and the way she treated Justin.

Justin laughed nervously, “It’s sort of like art yes. I definitely think it’s beautiful.”

Brian raised his eyebrow in confusion as he followed Justin into the office, “What is it?” Now he was beginning to feel stressed and uncomfortable with the way Justin was acting. He felt his skin itching.

Justin went into the closet to retrieve his backpack. He grabbed it and dug out the disc, “I just need to pull this up on the computer.”

"Can it wait a minute Justin, I really need to take a shower," Brian told him, his body was beginning to sweat as Justin’s nervousness worried him more and more.

Justin sighed and looked at his lover and pleaded, "Please, Brian. It will only take a minute." He stepped toward Brian and gave the man a long passion filled kiss.

"Okay," Brian whispered, his tension eased from the touch of Justin’s lips and tongue. He was trying his very best to not let his OCD come first and he wanted to be strong for Justin. He kissed the boy again and then went to sit down at the chair in front of the computer.

Justin put the disc in the drive and laughed as he found himself pulled onto Brian's lap. He couldn't suppress his giggles as Brian's fingers found the hem of his shirt and went under it and started to tickle the sides of his stomach.

Justin's giggling stopped however when the Window's Media Player popped open, prompting him to activate the pictures into a slideshow. His body trembled a little when he felt Brian's fingers lightly rubbing the small baby bump that hung over his jeans. His hands shook as he pointed the mouse to proceed. He maximized the screen and pressed play, leaning back upon Brian. He would savor his lover's touch as long as he could. His fingers twined with the ones above his bare skin as he watched the screen come alive.

Brian wasn't sure what he was watching at first. He couldn't make out anything, and the image looked like it was underwater which was weird. He didn’t understand how Justin could create this. Then, the picture became clearer as it changed and Justin reached forward to stop the slideshow.

“This… this isn’t art,” he said in a choked voice. They were babies. He hadn’t seen many ultrasound pictures but it was clear what was on the screen. Two tiny blurred images of two babies. "Justin," he spoke, his mouth dry. Fear crept from within him, but he couldn't tear his eyes from the screen.

"I'm pregnant," Justin confirmed, tears falling down his face now as he felt Brian’s body become stiff around him.

Brian’s senses came flooding in and he realized where his hand was now resting. He moved it across the bulky flesh and then removed it from Justin's hand and body, "With two? Oh, fuck no." His body trembled with fear, “No, Justin.”

Justin leaped off Brian's lap. The disappointment in Brian's voice was killing him. He put his hands over his stomach, his back to Brian as he confirmed it, "Yes. I’m thirteen weeks along. They’re identical twins."

"Why did you do this," Brian spat, standing up. "What if there’s something wrong with them?”

“The doctor said they’re healthy Brian! He checked and he said we could do other tests to see too. But I don’t care! I’m having them,” he growled. “I want to be their Daddy.”

“You know how I feel about being a father Justin," the Brunet felt his insides coiling in on him. His hands were shaking and his knees felt so weak. He carded his fingers through his hair and tried to concentrate on taking deep breaths because he felt like he was going to pass out.

"I didn't do this on purpose," Justin, screamed turning to face the man.

Brian jumped. He'd never heard Justin's voice have such venom in it. He couldn't recall a time when the blond had ever screamed any time other than while they were having sex. It was crazy though because Justin screaming at him sort of stopped his nerves from jumping all over the place and he felt himself calming down. He was able to breathe.

Justin walked up to Brian and looked him in the eyes, "I know you're fucking scared Brian! I know you are. I know you don't want to be a daddy. I knew that long before I found out I was pregnant and long before you got me pregnant. So why don't you stop thinking about yourself for a fucking moment and think about me! How fucking scared, I must have been when I learned that I was pregnant. How do you think I feel? How do you think I felt when I found out that I wasn’t just carrying one child but two? How do you fucking think I feel knowing with all certainty that the man I love will never want them and now me," Justin cried. He turned to run but Brian caught him.

Brian pulled Justin close to his body. He embraced his lover to him tightly. Brian could feel the bump of the babies in between them and wondered how he'd missed it before. He let Justin sink into his strong body and held onto the sobbing boy.

“You don’t know,” Justin whispered repeatedly, against Brian’s chest.

"I'm so sorry, Justin," Brian whispered into the boy's ear. "This has nothing to do with me not wanting you." He moved one of his arms down and put his hand onto Justin's belly, "Or them. I just can't do it, Justin. I love you and now them way too much to put you through the hurt I could cause you all." Brian rubbed his face into Justin’s hair as tears sprang from his eyes and cascaded down into Justin’s hair.

“You don’t know that,” Justin cried in a choked whisper. “You’d never hurt us.”

Brian held Justin tighter, “I may not want to Justin. But I may not be able to control myself from doing it.”

Both of the Daddies started to sob painfully as they gripped onto each other for strength and love through the scariest time of their lives, for it would be the last time either man would hold their lover, for a very long time, if ever again.

“You are the only one that decides if you want your past to affect you, have an effect on you, or if you are going to let it infect you.”- Rory Harold




“Mother, please! Let me out, I’ll be a good boy. Please, it's cold and dark in here,” Brian begged. He curled up on the basement’s cold cement stairs against the door of the house, “Please Mother. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.”

“Brian?”

Brian perked up at the sound of his mother’s voice coming from the other side of the door, “Mommy?”

Joan banged against the door, startling Brian as he was standing up. The boy fell down the seven stairs, breaking his left arm as it crushed under his body weight at the odd angle of the stairs; he finally rested on his shoulder and head in a heap at the landing.

“You be quiet down there or I’m going to tell your father where you are once he gets home! You be quiet or he’s going to find you. Do you understand me?”

“Yes,” Brian whispered, fearfully.

Joan didn’t hear her son’s whisper. She didn’t care too, all she knew was that she’d heard his sissy sobbing stop, which was all that mattered to her. She walked away from the basement door and went to the kitchen. Once there she sat down and poured herself a glass of wine. Taking a long drink, she sighed in contentment. Happy to have a moment’s peace.

Brian wasn’t feeling peaceful at all. In fact, he was barely feeling anything. There was a deep cut in the back of his head, courtesy of his mother’s dictionary hitting him yesterday when he’d failed to arrange the books on her shelf in alphabetical order. Brian had thought he’d done a good job, but Mommy wanted him to arrange them by author, not by title. She’d taken him into the bathroom and viscously shaved off the spot of his hair and sutured the wound with one of her thick sewing needles and his father’s fishing line. Brian’s fall down the stairs reopened the cut and now it oozed sticky blood down the back of his neck.

He didn’t shed any tears that would clear the grime of the dusty floor off his face. But, he did manage to slide himself a few feet across the room. He didn’t want his Daddy or Mommy stepping on him if they found him in front of the stairs. His head throbbed, but Brian didn’t feel it, the pain inflicted on him was so common now that in a way, his brain rewired itself to accept the punishment without shock to his system. Though the physical effects still disabled the boy.

He cracked his left eye open as much as he could and slid himself over near the tiny window in the basement. It was small and there was no way Brian could open it from the inside, he’d tried many times before, but it did let in a little bit of light from the early afternoon summer sun. He let out a long sigh and closed his eyes as he reached the warmer spot and passed out cold.

A few hours later, Brian awoke when he heard the sound of banging. At first, his ears couldn’t pick up where the noise was coming from. He tried to open his eyes but it was too bright so he closed them and waited, trying to get himself back to the place he went to when his Father would come home. He was sure the noise was his father unlocking the basement door. Brian lay, curled in a ball, holding his unmovable left arm with his right one. He shivered from the cold and loss of blood and wished that he could go back to sleep, away from the world again.

“Brian!”

Brian jumped, it wasn’t his mother’s or his father’s voice. He slowly turned over and did his best to squint into the light.

“Brian! Wake up!”

“Cynnie?”

“Stay there! I’m getting my Daddy!”

Brian was sure he only imagined his friend’s head peeking in through the window to the basement. No one was supposed to know. No one could ever find out. He knew that. So he just turned back over and closed his eyes again.

A few minutes later Brian heard the sound of sirens outside and then the sound of rushing feet. He heard deep male voices calling his name, but he was too terrified to answer them. The twelve-year-old just held onto his hurt arm and tried to block the world out as he hummed softly to himself.

He jolted from his fantasy world when he heard a loud crash. The basement flooded with the light from the kitchen and Brian shook even more as he saw a pair of footsteps coming down and a deep voice yelling his name. He squeezed his eyes shut, knowing that his father would leave him alone if he pretended he was passed out still. He tried his best to remain, breathing evenly, but his heart raced as the footsteps and loud noises and yells got closer to him. He braced himself for impact, knowing that if his Daddy kicked him he’d probably make contact with his hurt arm.

“Son….”

Brian opened his eyes in panic as a hand was gently placed on his back. He whispered in shock, “Mr. Prescott?” Brian looked behind the man and could see police officers standing behind the man.

“Just stay still Brian,” the man told the boy.

“Brian!” Cynthia sat beside her father. “Brian…” she sobbed.

Brian started to cry too and he mumbled through his bruised swollen lips, “I’m in trouble.”

“No,” Sam Prescott told the boy gently. “You’re not in trouble.” The doctor turned to look at the paramedics who were carrying a stretcher down the basement stairs. “Come on hurry up. We’ve got to get him to the hospital.”

“No,” Brian cried and tried to move, but his body wasn’t listening.

“Brian, Daddy’s gonna help you,” Cynthia told her friend, grasping one of his dirty feet in her hands, it was the only part on her friend’s body that didn’t look hurt.

“No! Daddy can’t pay! He’ll lose his job!” Brian cried, trying to shuffle back away from the woman paramedic.

Sam looked at the boy, “Shh… Brian. It doesn’t matter if he can’t pay. I’ll pay, you’re going to come and live with Cynthia and me. Wouldn’t you like that?”

Brian closed his eyes, “Dreaming now?”

“No Brian,” Sam said emotionally. “You’re not dreaming kiddo. Now let us get you to the hospital and we’ll talk more after we get you fixed up okay.”

“Yeah Brian,” Cynthia told her best friend. “Daddy is gonna help you and you can live with us now. Everything will be okay.”

***

Friday, February 22, 2008

“I don’t understand why you’re doing this Justin,” Jennifer shouted into her cell phone.

Justin rolled his eyes, “You’re lucky that I’m not suing you mother.”

“Don’t call me that,” Jen hissed.

“What?”

“You heard me. I’m not your mother.”

“You’re disowning me because I cut you off from stealing my money?” Justin couldn’t believe it. “What about your grandchildren Mom… I thought that…”

“You think I should support the biggest mistakes of your life, Justin? Go talk to Jon. See if he has the balls to clear it all up for you. Don’t contact Daphne or me again.”

Justin hadn’t thought his mother would be so unreasonable. She was acting as though it were herself that were cheated and not the other way around, “But mom.”

“I told you. I’m not your mother!”

Justin gasped when he heard Jennifer disconnect the call. He sat with his phone in his hand, staring off into space. He’d never imagined for his Mom to be so cruel. He knew that money, success, and fame was important to her, he knew that he wouldn’t have much contact with her, but the way she’d spoken to him had been… well, it sounded as though she really meant it. He couldn’t believe it! But then she’d also brought Jon into the conversation. Justin didn’t understand what Jon had to do with any of it.

He quickly dialed the man’s phone number and was disappointed when all he received was the man’s voicemail, “Jon. It’s Justin I’m… I just got off the phone with my mother and she said some things… I don’t know she’s really gone crazy here. I’m heading to the airport tomorrow morning. If you get this message after that can you call me tomorrow evening and maybe we can arrange getting together? Otherwise, I'll be here at the hotel the rest of the night. I miss you. Bye.”

Justin closed the phone and tried to regulate his increased breathing. It had been a rough six weeks. He was happy though that he’d finally be back at home, even if it were without Brian. There was a lot to look forward to, even though there still felt to be so many things up in the air and too many unanswered questions.

***

Brian stood behind a large, barren oak tree. He watched, mostly detached from the scene before him. The snow fell heavily around the small group of people, all dressed in black ratty looking coats, their tears accepting the cold wind blowing around them, chilling them to the bone. Brian, however, was warm, he stood underneath a large black umbrella, and his coat was thick down, his gloves kept his fingers warm, his thick red beanie hat and red wool scarf kept the chill away.

His hazel eyes centered in on the pine box being slowly lowered into the ground. There were no flowers laid upon it, only cold, brown dirt heaped itself inside as the minister spoke of the woman inside it, his words barely reaching Brian’s ears.

He turned and walked away, his heavy boots making tracks in the compacted snow. Brian reached for the handle on his door and was about to open it when he heard his name being called. He froze in place, trying to decide whether to get into the car and speed off into Chicago’s busy traffic or turn around. Before he could decide, he heard a person come up behind him.

“Brian? Is that you?”

Brian slowly turned around, his umbrella, still keeping the snow from falling upon him. He greeted the woman, “Claire.”

“I didn’t think you’d come,” she said, wiping her tears with the back of her purple mitten.

Brian nodded, “I shouldn’t have.”

“Why don’t you call me? I’m your family Brian I…”

“You remind me too much of them,” Brian growled, pointing to the gravesite where his mother and father’s bodies now decomposed.

Claire’s eyes become glassy as she obviously struggled with an outburst of emotion, “I’m not them Brian. I haven’t… I don’t talk to them. I haven’t since you were twelve.”

Brian closed his umbrella and opened his car door, he couldn’t stand there another minute but then Clair had her arms wrapped around him from behind. He wanted to push her away but he didn’t. He stood there, stock still, the snow now touching his warm cheeks, his eyes burning from the whipping cold and from the tears that sprang into them. He fought hard to remain in control as he turned and gently pushed his sister away from him, “I’ve got to go.”

“I was away at college when it started Brian,” Claire told him desperately. “When I talked to you, you sounded just fine. I thought that they liked you. I thought they treated you good because Jack always said he wanted a son.”

Brian cringed, “He didn’t.”

Claire reached up and brushed the tears from Brian’s cheeks, “I read your articles in the paper and every time I do I just want to know you, Brian. You’re my little brother. I’ll never forgive myself for not being able to protect you. If I’d have known I would’ve taken you away myself.”

Brian turned and climbed into his car.

Claire leaned down and kissed his cheek, “Please just call me.” She pointed over to where the people in the ratty black coats were, “That’s my husband and my two little boys Brian. I want you to meet them. I want you to be a part of my family. And, well you probably can’t tell in this winter coat, but Brian, I’m pregnant again. I’m having a little girl this time and I’d love for you to get to know us.”

Brian wanted to give his sister what she wanted, but he wasn’t sure if he could. “You… you can call me.”

Claire smiled through her tears, “I don’t have your number, Brian.”

Brian reached into his glove box and dug out one of his business cards.

He handed it to his sister, “Here.”

Claire nodded and asked carefully, “Do you have a family Brian?”

Brian didn’t want to answer that question, he couldn’t. “Ca…Call me later next week.”

“I will,” his sister said gratefully. “Bye Brian.”

“Bye,” Brian whispered, closing his door and starting his engine. He wasn’t sure what had propelled him to give his sister his card, but there was a tiny part of him, deep down, that told him that he’d done the right thing.

Witch: This is the world I meant. Couldn't you listen? Couldn't you stay content, Safe behind walls As I could not.. Now you know what's out there in the world. No one can prepare you for the world. Even I.. How could I, who loved you as you were, How could I have shielded you from her, Or them? No matter what you say. Into the Woods

Saturday, February 23rd, 2008
Chicago

“Hi…hi Claire.”

“I’m so glad you picked up Brian,” Claire said. “I know it’s early but I wanted to reach you in case you’re going into work.”

“I just woke up. I’ve got to get ready in a minute.”

“That’s fine Brian. I won’t keep you long. I just wanted to see if you are okay? Yesterday, when we talked I got the sense that you were very depressed.”

Brian spoke honestly, “I am.”

“Is it because of Mom?”

Brian huffed out a quick, “No.”

“What’s wrong Brian?”

“I don’t know if I should trust you. I talked to my therapist last night and my friend Jon too. They asked me if I thought you might deserve another chance.”

“Brian, please. I’ll never forgive myself for…”

“My boyfriend left me,” Brian interrupted his sister. He breathed a deep sigh into the phone. He didn’t want to talk about that past. Not now. “Jon told him that he should be blunt with Claire about his problems with Justin. Brian worried that immediately Claire would think that he was too much trouble and would run away. Jon didn’t think so, but he also didn’t understand how the girl had not helped Brian. So to test, Brian was blunt.

Claire asked in concern, “What happened Brian?”

“He’s pregnant with twins. He wanted me to be a father.”

“Are you their father?”

“Yes, Justin’s never been with anyone but me. We…we’re in love.”

“Justin?” Claire said. “Do you mean that artist you did that feature on?”

“Yes, that’s him,” Brian said proudly. “He’s amazing.”

“If he’s so amazing, why did you let him leave you?”

“I couldn’t be a father, Claire. You know that. I’d… I’d hurt them.”

“I doubt that Brian. I may not know much about you now, but I could tell that you’re still the kind, loving boy you were as a kid.”

“You don’t know me now. There are so many things wrong with me.” Brian hoped she wouldn’t ask him to elaborate. He wasn’t ready to share those details with her.

“What’s Justin going to do without you?”

“He’ll be better off.” Brian wanted to hang up the phone. He knew he shouldn’t have answered it. He’d told Claire to call the next week but she’d only waited until the next morning. It annoyed him that somehow, he’d begun to have glimmers of hope regarding him being a good father. He hated false hope and wanted to be in control of the situations around him as much as possible. “I’m not supposed to be a Father.”

“Brian, I’d like to talk to you about this in person. I’d like to see you. Why don’t you come over for dinner tonight?” Claire suggested. She hoped that if she could talk with Brian in person she might have a better chance of helping him.

“I can’t tonight. Justin’s coming home and…” Brian trailed off. He didn’t know what that mattered now. Justin wouldn’t be going home to see him. He was probably the last person Justin would want to see. Still, he wasn’t ready to see Claire, especially alone. He wished he were with Justin. Justin would help him; he could trust Justin to help him if he became uncomfortable with Claire and her family. Brian shuddered at the thought as he imagined her boys were probably dirty and messy.

“Then, how about Sunday night?” Claire tried. “I meant it when I said I wanted to know you, Brian. I love you, Brian, you’ll always be…”

“Stop,” Brian barked. “I’ll… I’ll call you. Please. I have to go.”

“Okay Brian,” Claire whispered, holding back tears. “Goodbye.”

“Bye.” Brian closed his cell phone and gripped it in a tight fist. He took slow, deep breaths and tried to focus on something good. Bad memories rushed into his mind. Without Justin there, he couldn’t keep the bad memories from flooding his senses.

Flashback

“No,” Brian cried into his pillow. “Don’t make me go Cynnie. I don’t wanna talk to anyone. I don’t want them touching me.”

“They’re not going to hurt you, Brian,” Cynthia promised.

“They hurt me,” Brian protested. “They hurt me!”

“I’m sorry Brian,” Cynthia cried against her friends hurt shoulder.

“Come on Brian,” Sam Prescott said, walking into Brian’s bedroom. “It’s time for your checkup.”

“NO!” Brian sat up in the bed and Cynthia quickly followed and sat next to him.

“Brian, I’ll be there the whole time.” Mr. Prescott kneeled down in front of Brian. “I promise I won’t let anyone hurt you,” he promised and placed his hand on Brian’s.

“Ahhh!” Brian jerked his hand back from Sam’s touch. In the process, his fist connected with Cynthia’s nose. He crawled into the corner of the bed.

Cynthia flew backward on the bed and her nose immediately started to spurt blood. “Owww!”

“Cynthia,” her father yelled, scared. He sat Cynthia up and looked at her nose.

Brian continued to scream. He saw the blood on Cynthia’s face and he buried his face in his hands and screamed, rocking his body back and forth.

“I’m okay Daddy,” Cynthia told her father. She held her t-shirt up and over her bloody nose.

“Don’t hurt me!” Brian yelled, looking up at Sam. “I’m sorry!” Tears streamed down his face and he wiped them away and covered his eyes again. “I’m sorry. Don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me.”

“Brian I’m okay,” Cynthia told her friend. “Daddy’s not mad. Are you Daddy?”

Mr. Prescott looked at Brian, unsure of how to handle the boy he agreed with his daughter. “I’m not mad Brian. I’m not going to hurt you. I’d never hurt you.”

“I hurt Cynnie!” Brian wailed, shortly broken out of his trance. Then, he began to rock, cry, and sob those three words. “I hurt Cynnie!”

End Flashback

San Diego

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here to get your call last night Justin.”

“It’s okay Jon. I know you’re busy. I’m sure you have better things to worry about than my constant drama.”

“It’s my job to be here for you Justin.”

“You’re not my therapist,” Justin teased.

“That’s not what I meant. Anyway, I spent the night visiting with Brian.”

“How is he?” Justin asked, worried.

“He went to his mother’s funeral yesterday,” Jon told him.

“What?” Justin’s heart ached. “Oh, God. I should’ve been there for him!”

“You were where you needed to be Justin,” Jon said gently. “Brian seemed to be taking it okay.”

Justin didn’t believe that for a second. “Oh god! Jon, Brian can’t be okay. You don’t understand…”

“He saw his sister there,” Jon interrupted. “They talked and Brian gave her his phone number.”

“He did?” Justin asked, surprised.

“Yes. He was hesitant about trusting her. Not because of what happened in his past, so much as, because he didn’t want to form some kind of relationship with her and have her realize that his problems are too much for her and never hear from her again.”

“Like I did.”

“That isn’t true and you and I both know it. More importantly, Brian knows it, Justin. However, I think there may be hope. I think that this is a huge step for Brian. I think Claire could be good for Brian and from what Brian didn’t say, he thinks she could be too. He’s scared of that.”

“I’m going to see him when I get back,” Justin decided.

“Justin, I said there’s hope but I don’t know if Brian’s…”

“I’m not going to get back together with him. I… I need to see him for myself. I need to make sure he’s okay Jon.”

“You’re coming back today? I tried to call early before you went to the airport, I know you said this afternoon, but I wanted to tell you about Brian.”

“Thank you, Jon. Yeah, I should be leaving here in about an hour or so. I needed to talk to you about my Mom. But I don’t want to focus on her right now. She isn’t worth it.”

“Justin,” Jon whispered.

“She disowned me and told me I wasn’t her son,” Justin explained. “She isn’t worth it. I have too much going on in my life and if I’m not important enough for her to truly care about me, I don’t need to deal with her. I’ll have my lawyers do that for me.”

“Well, I’ll be here to talk. I don’t have any plans tomorrow. Do you want to come to my house for dinner; I have some things I want to talk to you about too.” Jon said.

“What sort of things?” Justin asked, worried.

“Nothing for you to worry about now Justin. Just call me tomorrow okay?”

“Okay, Jon. Thanks for telling me about Brian.”

“You’re welcome. Have a safe trip home.”

“Bye,” Justin hung up the phone. He closed his eyes and could almost feel the pain he was sure Brian was in.

***
Chicago

Cynthia knocked on Brian's office door. She didn't receive a response so she cautiously opened it. She didn’t see Brian at his desk and heard water running in the bathroom.

“Brian?” She called out and knocked on the bathroom door. She received no response and a chill ran along her spine. She debated on her next move.

Suddenly the door popped open and Brian stood before her looking more than a little disheveled. “What?” Brian asked gruffly. The skin beneath his eyes was dark from lack of sleep and increased stress.

“I just wanted to let you know that it's almost three. I called O'Hare and Justin's plane is scheduled to land on time. That's less than an hour from now.”

Brian sighed and brushed past her. “I think I can tell time.”

He went over to his desk and picked up the proofs he’d taken for next week’s feature column and put them away in a folder. He didn’t want to hear another lecture from Cynthia. He didn’t think he could take it today.

“Brian, please. Look at me.”

Brian looked up and saw Cynthia standing with her hands on her slim hips staring at him with an evil expression she usually didn't direct toward him. Her foot tapped on the floor repeatedly. Brian felt his body start to sweat and his stomach turned. Tears filled his eyes.

“Oh Brian, it's going to be all right.” Cynthia approached Brian and rubbed the man’s back.

Brian shook himself away from her. “How can you say that?” He back against the wall behind his desk.

Cynthia approached him slowly and looked him in the eyes. “Justin loves you and you love him.”

“It isn’t that simple,” Brian muttered and rubbed at his face with his hands. “You know it's not.”

“I just have faith Brian,” Cynthia sighed. “I’ve always had faith in you. You’re a talented loving man and anytime you’ve doubted that I’ve always known it.”

Brian scoffed at her. “Stop.”

“No. I really think you could be a wonderful father Brian,” Cynthia continued. “If you'd only give yourself a chance at having a wonderful life. You could make it happen. You make everything you want happen.”

Brian looked at Cynthia and held his arms out. “Look at me!”

Cynthia smiled softly, “I’m looking.”

“I'm a fucking mess.” Brian hissed. “I can’t control my impulses.”

“You will,” Cynthia assured him. “Justin will help you.”

“What happens if one of the babies shits through its diaper on me and I have a fucking panic attack while holding the baby? What if they spit up on me and I freak out.”

“First, I don’t think that’ll happen. I think once you see your children you’ll fall in love and that stuff won’t matter so much.”

“What if it does? What if I’m still fucked up?”

“Then you could set the baby down and call for Justin while you wash up,” Cynthia said softly, not really knowing what to say.

Brian laughed heartily but there was no joy in it. “What if I throw it across the room because I suddenly have a flashback of my father doing the same thing to me?”

“You'd do no such thing, Brian!” Cynthia growled, terrified that her best friend would ever think he was capable of doing something so monstrous. “You've never been violent with anyone. You love Justin and you’ve never hurt him. You would never do that to your children. That was your parent’s malfunction, Brian! You’re better than them! You’d never hurt anyone, ever! I may be wrong about a lot of shit Brian, but I’m right about that!”

Brian grabbed his suit coat and put it on; he slowly turned to face Cynthia. “You’re wrong. I’ve hurt people. Haven't I?” he said in almost a whisper. His eyebrow raised and his eyes seemed too dark into a black.

Cynthia could feel tears fall down her face. She shook her head, “No, Brian. That wasn't your fault and you know it. It was an accident! Why do you always go back to that one time you accidentally did that! You know I’m prone to nosebleeds. You didn’t mean to do that. You were scared and you’d been so hurt. You flinched away from my Dad. You didn’t intentionally hurt me.”

“It was my fault. I could’ve controlled myself.”

“No Brian, you didn’t have control of the situation. I told you. Listen to me. You didn’t do it on purpose.” Cynthia took a step forward but Brian backed away. “Listen to me, Brian. I love you. I care about you. I don’t want you to throw your life away just because of that measly excuse!”

“I love you, Cynthia. I do and did then. But that didn't stop me did it?” Brian asked sadly.

Cynthia wiped away her tears and wrapped her arms around him. “That wasn't your fault. Stop saying it is.”

Brian tried to disengage himself from his friend but he couldn't. Cynthia's arms had always felt like home to him, and he allowed himself that comfort. “Cynthia. I'm sorry,” Brian said. “I'm really, really sorry.”

“Brian, that was so long ago. I forgave you a long, long time ago,” she spoke. “Even though there was nothing to forgive.”

“What if I do something to him? To them?” Brian asked. “What if I do?”

“You've been taking your meds and going to therapy Brian,” Cynthia stepped out of his arms and composed herself. “That was one incident, years ago. You’ve never done anything wrong to anyone.”

“I don't want to hurt them. I don't want them to be ashamed of me, of how I am. I don't want them to go to school and be embarrassed to have me for their father. And they would be. Any child would be. I'm a fucking freak, Cynthia!”

“Brian you aren't a freak! Don't you think that your children would be more embarrassed to go to school without a father who could be in their life but isn’t because he’s afraid? Give yourself a little credit Brian; you handle everything pretty well. Your kids probably won't even notice anything different from you from other parents. Everyone is fucked up, somehow. Brian, you are your own person. You aren't your fucked up father and mother and you aren't even that closed-off little boy they abused. You are a strong, caring person who is loved by me, and a very special young man. You aren't much different than anyone, anyone with love in their life.”

“Cynthia.” Brian shook his head. “I am different. It's not that hard to figure out.”

“You're right Brian. It's not,” she laughed.“You'll probably be the hottest kindergarten dad in the whole world, not counting Justin of course.”

Brian couldn't help but smile back, “Yeah. Right.”

“But that's years from now,” she reminded him. “Right now is the easy part. You’ll love Justin and show him how much you love him by sticking by him, by telling him how much you love him through his pregnancy. Then, when those babies are born, you love them too. You’ll hold them and help feed them and bathe them. And I'm pretty sure that Justin might even do all the diaper changing if you are there to help him love them.”

“Maybe,” Brian whispered. Feelings of hope jumped around in Brian’s body once again and he wasn’t too sure he wanted to quell them. He wanted to believe Cynthia.

“Right now you need to leave to pick your fiancé up from the airport.”

“My fiancé?” Brian asked, wondering how Cynthia found out he’d picked out rings a few days before Justin had come home and told him about his pregnancy. He’d had the jeweler hold them for him until he could make the last payment on them.

“Why yes, that is what you were going to make him isn't it?”

Brian blushed and grabbed his bag. “Are you snooping in my bank accounts?”

Cynthia laughed, “No Brian, it's not that. The jeweler called a few minutes ago to tell you that they received the last installment of your payment and wanted to know when you were going to pick them up.”

“What did you tell him?”

“That’d you’d be picking up your partner at the airport so you needed them today.”

Brian smiled. “Shit! I'll never make it across town and to the airport in time.” Brian started to rush around checking to make sure he had all of his belongings. "I've still got to take a shower and change clothes."

“Brian!” Cynthia ran up behind him and took his arm. “Why don't you call the jeweler, tell him I'm picking them up, and then I can drop them off to you before you leave to can pick up your husband to be!”

Brian turned and lifted Cynthia into his arms hugging her tightly. “There’s a reason you’ve always been my best friend. Thanks for looking out for me Cynnie.”

“It’s my pleasure, Brian. Now go get ready!”

Brian felt his heartbeat quicken at her words, but his skin didn't crawl and he didn't panic either. “Okay, I’ll call the jeweler in the car.” The only change in him was that his steps were lighter and his smile was brighter as he raced down his office hall.

Chapter 13 To Overcome

“Every trial endured and weathered in the right spirit makes a soul nobler and stronger than it was before.”-James Buckham

Saturday February 23rd 2008

Brian Kinney hated airports. Airports were a cesspool for germs not only germs, but also everything Brian hated. However, this wasn't the first one he'd been in one and he knew it wouldn’t be his last. Gardner was always sending him to interview or photograph people and places, it would be many normal people’s dream job. Brian’s job was his dream job but he didn’t like traveling but it was part of the job.

Brian avoided brushing up against people whenever possible. He was determined not to let any of his fears get the best of him. He used the breathing techniques his therapist taught him as he walked toward the seating area near the gate Justin’s plane would arrive at. He chose a seat far enough away from other people, but as soon as he sat down a brunet woman and her four young children occupied the seats beside him.

“Stay calm, stay calm,” he told himself. He looked down, focused in on his white shoelaces, and continued to take deep breaths.

“First time flying?” the woman asked.

Brian looked over at the woman who patted the back of a small baby. He looked beside her and saw that the older two boys and girl were surprisingly being well behaved and engrossed quietly with their hand held games or I-pods.

“What?” he asked, his attention diverted to the children, he'd forgotten her question.

She smiled at him warmly and repeated, “Is this your first time flying?”

Brian rubbed his hands on his face and shook his head. “No, I'm waiting for someone.”

“Oh! It's just... You seem really nervous so I figured you were flying.”

Brian cringed a bit. He really wanted to be much more confident by the time Justin got off the plane, scheduled to land in seven minutes, if it was still landing on time. “I am nervous,” he mumbled. Brian forced himself to sit up straighter so he could appear more confident.

“Can I ask who it is you're waiting on?” The woman moved the child from her shoulder and into her arms, cradling her to her chest and slightly rocking her.

Brian stared for a moment at the little baby. When he looked up the woman was smiling at him in a knowing way. “My partner is coming back from California. He's been gone for a long time.”

“Well shouldn't you be more excited then?”

Brian smiled. “I am. I really am excited,” he told her, beginning to feel even more confident. “It’s been a long time since I’ve seen him.”

“Are you two married?” she asked, persisting in her curiosity of the man beside her.

Brian blushed. “No... not yet.” He ran his fingers through his hair and nervously played with the collar of his shirt. “But I'm going to ask him tonight. I should have asked him before he left.” He didn't mean to say the last sentence aloud but it came out as before he could even think it over. He kept speaking without thinking, “I don’t know if he’s going to come back to be with me.”

“Did you two have a fight?” She asked.

“Sort of,” Brian deadpanned.

“It's never good to fight before one goes away on a trip or even just before they leave the house. I always try to make up with my husband Paul before he goes away on a business trip. He's always flying and is hardly ever home, but it pays the bills. He's been gone this time for two weeks to Italy, so we've come to meet his plane.”

“We did have a fight,” Brian admitted. “Justin, that's my partner’s name. He's pregnant with my child, well children really. We're having twins.”

“Twins!” She held out her hand for Brian to shake. “Congratulations.” The woman awaited his hand. “I'm Georgia.”

“I'm Brian,” Brian replied softly. He face flushed. “I'm...I'm sorry, but I can't shake your hand.”

The woman frowned a bit and dropped her hand away. “Oh. Sorry to bother you.”

Brian was surprised and felt ashamed. “You’re not bothering me,” he spoke honestly, surprised at that fact. “It's just that... It's the same reason I let him go.”

Georgia scrunched up her eyebrows, not understanding. “What do you mean?”

Brian took a deep breath. “I have problems,” he said softly. “I've really enjoyed talking to you, but I just can't...”

“No need to explain Hun,” she interrupted. “My sister Emma has obsessive compulsive disorder. She doesn’t shake hands, give hugs and she won't let my kids in her house.”

Brian looked away for a moment before turning back to her. The way she smiled sadly at him made him feel terrible. “I told him I'd take care of them financially, but that I couldn't be involved with them.”

“But you're here.”

Brian nodded. He suddenly felt all warm inside and smiled a little. “To bring them home. I want to try. I don’t want to live like the way I have. He helped me change, take control over it a little, but I don’t know if I can do it with the kids.”

“As long as you try, that’s better than just living alone, thinking about what might have been. Isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Brian spoke assured. “It is.”

“Well....” she glanced up at the roster of flights. “LAX flight 146 has landed is disembarking at Gate 14, is that his plane?”

Brian glanced up and smiled, his heart ached for Justin. “Yes. I...I'd better go.” He got up from the bench, ready to race to the gated area where families waited. Brian smiled softly and reached out his hand. He trembled a bit. But knew that he could do this. “It was really nice talking to you.”

Georgia reached out and took the photographer's hand. “You'll do fine Brian,” she said taking his hand and squeezing it for a moment before letting go. “Good luck, it was nice meeting you.”

“You too. Thanks.” Brian was extremely pleased with himself when he turned and started to rush toward the gate. Nothing and no one in that airport could bother him. The only thoughts he had were about Justin.

***

Justin carefully stood up from his seat as soon as the 'fasten seat-belts' sign turned off. He’d flown first class and the plane hadn't been too crowded so he thankfully was able to get to the bathroom quickly every one of the six times he'd gone. However, right before they were going to land someone occupied the bathroom and he needed to use it. Then the announcement was given and he had to wait to use it until they landed a half-hour later.

Moving, somewhat quickly he made it to the bathroom, located only a few isles ahead and relieved himself letting out a long sigh when he finished. When he got out of the bathroom, he saw that most of the first class passengers had gone and there was only one flight attendant in the area. She stood guarding his carry-on waiting for him. “Would you like some help with your bags?”

Justin smiled and looked down at the carry-on that was sitting on the seat beside the one he'd sat in. “No, that's all right. I can manage on my own. But thank you very much for asking.”

“No problem sir, thank you for flying with American Airlines.” She then made her way to the last isle to help an older woman get her luggage from the over-head bin.

Justin leaned down into the seat, feeling the weight of his stomach shift in a weird way as he grabbed his messenger bag. He looked around his seat to make sure he hadn't left anything and made his way to the front of the plane.

Justin P.O.V.

God. I can't wait to be home. Then again, at the same time, I can. Whatever is going on with my mother and what Jon needs to talk to me about, I’m not look forward to. And Brian… well fuck. I don’t even know what I’m going to do without Brian. I kept busy and my thoughts weren’t centered on Brian, but the second the plane took off from LAX, he’s been all I can think about. I have constant reminders of the man who will always own my heart, fluttering around right beneath it.

I'm pretty warn-out and all I really want is to go to bed, maybe for a few days. I don’t want to deal with any of the crap I can feel looming. Brian and I haven't talked since I've been gone. He didn't try to call me, and frankly, I didn’t expect that he would and I am still too hurt to call him. I did a lot of thinking about Brian and I the last six weeks and right now, I really don't want to think about anything at all.

But I can't help but dream of him being out here in the airport lounge, waiting for me with his arms wide open. I know it's not good to get my hopes up, but I have.

Oh my god. I think I’m hallucinating. Near the baggage claim, I swear he is standing there, smiling sheepishly at me. This can't be. Brian would never come to an airport unless it had to do with an assignment.

I stop in my tracks, close my eyes, and take a deep breath before opening them again. I look over to the baggage carousal and he's not there anymore. I was just being an idiot, hoping for something that would never be. I told myself I wouldn’t do this when I got home. I promised I’d start over.

Tears burn my eyes and I close them again. I want to collapse right here. I sway from side to side; all the exhaustion is getting to me. Fuck. I drop my bag down beside my feet and open my eyes. I try to take deep breaths and get my footing but the fast pace airport starts to circle inside me. I'm going to be sick.

“Justin!”

I crouch down and grab my stomach. I don’t care if I’m in people’s way. Fuck! I’m hallucinating again. I could swear I heard Brian call my name.

“Justin!”

I'm going to puke. Right here, on the tile floor of the airport in front of a hundred people. Shit! I press my hands to my eyes and hear it again.

“Justin.”

I look up and my vision clears a little. The person calling my name squats down in front of me his hands squeeze my shoulders. “Are you all right?”

Suddenly the pain and sickness sweeps away as quickly as it came. I'm not spinning any longer and the world rights itself around me. The hands on my shoulders and the pair of hazel eyes have grounded me. “Brian?” I gasp out. I wipe my tears away and attempt to stand up on my shaky legs. Brian grabs me around my waist, holding my body steady.

“Excuse me, is everything all right here?” An airport police officer stands above us watching concerned as Brian helps me stand.

I lean into Brian’s strong body. The safety of his arm wrapped around my waist holds me close so I won't fall. I can’t believe he’s here! I can barely comprehend this.

“Are you okay Justin?” Brian asks looking down at me his other hand brushes my cheek.

“Are you hurt son?” the officer asks.

I nod my head and smile at both of their concern. “I'm fine. I just have a bit of jet lag and got dizzy,” I tell them. I don’t want to scare Brian. I know that if I told him the real reason I started to get sick it would only hurt him and cause him to walk away, thinking I would be better off with out him. And, I don’t want to tell the officer that I thought I was hallucinating.

“Would you like for me to get a wheel chair for your husband?” The officer asks, directing the question at Brian.

“No...no...” I answer. “That isn't necessary. I'll be fine. I need to get my luggage and then I can go home to get some rest.”

“Sir. “The officer gives me a small smile. “Forgive me for being so blunt, but it's obvious by that round belly that you don't only have a case of jet lag. I'd feel much better about this if you would allow me to get your suitcase and escort you with a wheel chair to the car. Perhaps by that time your husband could pull your car around to the pick-up deck?”

“Thank you officer. We would really appreciate that,” Brian replies before I can protest again.

Wait! What? I still haven't grasped the fact that Brian is here, and he didn't correct the officer either time he called me his husband. He’s here and he cares! We haven't spoke for six weeks, and he just shows up here and expects me to listen to him and sit, helplessly in a fucking wheel chair. Who does he thing he is. He can show up here. Fine. But I get to say what goes on with me. I appreciate his concern and I’m sure he cares about me but he hasn’t been with me for six weeks. He can’t just show up here and pretend he’s a loving, doting, Father and Partner.

“Hello... But I can make decisions for myself, even in my condition,” I sneer. I step a little away from Brian.

Brian grasps my arm and pulls me back against him. “I know you can Justin.”

“Listen sir, it would be my pleasure for you to just let me do this. Because frankly, if something happens to you when you try to walk out of here, it would be my ass. So, I insist that you let me help you.”

I roll my eyes however; I don't want to cause the officer to get in trouble just in case. Therefore, I nod my agreement.

“I'll be outside waiting for you in pick up,” Brian says. He kisses my forehead before leaving me with the officer. The officer gets on his walkie-talkie and orders for someone to bring us a wheelchair. I'm so…so… so going to kill Brian for making me ride out of here in a wheelchair.

First, I'm going to sleep for three days. When an airport attendant brings the wheelchair I get in, we collect my baggage from the claim, and the officer wheels me through the masses of people toward the exit. I suppose it is sort of nice not to have walk the whole way, and I am really tired.

We get outside and the cold air hits me. The weather was beautiful in California, but it’s definitely winter in Chicago. I pull my light jacket tighter around me against the wind. I look for Brian’s car as the officer pushes me down sidewalk for pick up parking. I spot Brian standing beside his car. He’s smiling at me and looks like he’s about to jump out of his skin with excitement. I can’t help the smile that forms on my face. I suppose I won’t kill him. But whatever is going on, whatever the reason he came here, I’m not going to get my hopes up just yet. We have a lot of talking to do.

Chapter 14: What Perfection Is

“Failing down is your heart, Above the ruins of the thoughts

Trying to go in the uncertainty, Your dogma suffers in the shades

Condemned in the illusions of the perfection

Your sickness true. In tears, drowned

Holding for pain, Forging a smile

Come as flower, Beyond the nightmares

With the awake of the sun In ground of thorns

Returning to the Eden as delirium

Beyond the worry's walls

Returning to the dust of the essence

The crosses of the memory Come as flower

To the gate of your way

Failing down In the shades of your past

Your sickness true. In tears, drowned

Holding for pain

Then ignoring and you will be forging the paradise.”

Sunday, February 24th 2008

Justin awoke in the bedroom of his loft apartment. He turned from his back to his side and saw Brian lying beside him, staring.

“Good Morning,”Brian said softly. “Did you sleep well?”

Justin looked over at his alarm clock and saw that he'd slept the whole night without even having to wake up and go to the bathroom. That was a miracle, but he also knew it was probably because of dehydration. He was still so angry with Brian. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Brian. He needed something to drink and use the restroom to get his thoughts together.

“You…you okay?” Brian asked. He tried to put his hand on Justin’s shoulder but the blond shook him off.

“Yeah. I’m fine. I've… I’ve gotta go to the bathroom.” He got out of the bed as quickly as possible. He didn’t want to look at Brian. He didn’t understand why the man had gone and picked him up in the airport in the first place. He didn’t want false hope.

Justin relieved himself, washed his face and hands and dug out a paper cup from the cabinet under the sink. He filled the small cup up five times to quench his thirst. Then, Justin stared at himself in the mirror. He wondered if Brian could tell the changes in his face. His eyes had puffiness underneath and his cheeks seemed to fatten up a bit. He didn’t really have to wonder if Brian noticed the changes, he’d seen the man looking at him when he awoke, his expression one Justin had not seen before. Brian was a detail-oriented man and usually, he noticed everything. This quirk, also served to be one of the reasons that Brian was such an amazing lover.

Justin walked back into the bedroom and blinked at the sight before him. He hadn’t realized it when he first woke. Brian was still completely clothed and Justin knew that never happened! This shock didn’t quell his anger though. “What are you doing here Brian? I thought you'd go back to your condo after I fell asleep.”

Brian felt like Justin slapped him in the face. He’d never heard the boy talk to him so harshly. He quickly swung his legs off the bed and stood up. He turned his back to Justin and put his head in his hands, trying his best to remain calm. “I thought you wanted me,” he spoke, his voice tortured and throaty.

“Brian you know I do. It is you who doesn't want me. I don’t understand why you came to airport to pick me up. You’re only hurting me more by showing up, showing me that you care… when… when you don’t want all I come with. That shows me that you don’t want me, Brian.” The blond touched Brian's back with his fingertips. “Please look at me,” he begged.

The brunet turned to face the blond. “That isn't true Justin. You know that I love you. I’ve always wanted you. You know that don’t you? Tell me you do,” Brian pleaded back at him.

“Didn’t you hear what I said?” Justin took Brian's hand and placed it on his belly. “You don't want our babies Brian. They are a part of me. They’re a part of you. They’re the best part of both of us.”

Brian looked down at Justin's naked stomach. He'd stared at it for the last couple of hours he’d watched Justin sleeping. He'd even gone out to his car and gotten his camera equipment and took pictures while Justin slept on. Brian had wanted to touch Justin but he decided to leave him alone. He feared that he would wake the younger man and it had been obvious the blond needed to rest. Justin had fallen asleep the moment he got in Brian’s car and had barely awoken when Brian led him into his apartment and to bed.

Brian's eyelashes fluttered a little from the emotional sensations he was experiencing. Justin guided his hand all around to caress his creamy skin.

Brian thought that Justin's stomach would feel much harder than it did. Instead, when Justin pressed a little Brian felt a soft firmness he couldn’t have described. He really liked touching Justin's stomach now.

Justin studied Brian's expressions and felt his heart skip a beat. The beauty and contentment on his lover's face brought tears to his eyes. He wanted so badly to be a family with Brian. He wanted to show Brian what love really was. “Brian?”

Brian opened his eyes and looked into Justin's blue depths. “Yes?” Justin's hand lifted off his own but Brian still left his hand on the soft belly and moved it around.

“I love you Brian. I do. But you have to tell me whether or not you are going to stick around. I can't have you coming and going in my life. It will hurt our children and me too much! Do you understand?” Justin raised his hands and cupped Brian's face in them. He stared deeply into the photographer's hazel eyes, pleading with the man to understand.

Brian blinked a few times and closed his eyes to lean into Justin's touch. He'd missed the way Justin touched him so much. His heart tightened and he could feel the urge to cry but he wanted to go through with his plan. He needed to. He opened his eyes, took Justin’s soft hands into his own, and pulled him to sit down beside him on the bed.

“Tell me Brian,” Justin said softly. He could tell that Brian was trying to gain confidence to tell him something big.

He asked the questions that had been plaguing him for far too long. “Do you think the babies will think I'm stupid? You know... when they're older. I...I don't want to be an embarrassment to them. I don’t want them to be hurt because of me and the way I am. Why would you want me to be their father Justin? Don’t you think they’ll be ashamed of me?”

Justin felt his heart break, hearing Brian's words and seeing his serious expression. “Brian,” he choked on his lover’s name. The blond leaned into Brian and put his arms around him. “We'll teach our children to be respectful and accepting. There will be nothing to be ashamed of about you or me for that matter. There isn't now Brian. I wish you'd only believe that.”

Brian could hear the desperation in his lovers' voice. He'd missed Justin so much. The last six weeks without the man had felt worse than the years he hadn't been with him at all. Because he knew exactly what he was missing, it wasn't just wondering. He knew every moment Justin was gone, what could be. Though he’d been so sure it’d be impossible to have it again. “Are you sure?”

“I promise,” Justin whispered. He smiled softly. “Of course, when they’re teenagers they’ll probably be embarrassed by both of us. All teenagers hate their parents. But I promise you, that beside the silly teenager phase our children will love you Brian.”

Brian knew that Justin loved him and wouldn't lie to him. He wanted so badly to believe what the blond said was true. “I want them to be proud of their father,” he said finally. “I know they'll be proud to introduce you as their dad to people but...”

“Stop this Brian. Stop it. They aren't going to be doing that for years from now. They're just babies. We'll take it once step at a time. They aren't going to know anything is different about you and the way you like things because all parents are different. That's just how it is. All people are different and unique and it is okay to be that way. No matter what my parents,” he leaned his forehead against Brian's and stared into his eyes, “or yours may have told us. It’s okay to be different. I love you just the way you are. The babies will love you just the same way Brian Kinney. You have to believe that we can do this. You have to decide now. I will be here for you and will help you but you have to at least agree to be here, with us.”

Brian didn't want to lose his children. One day they might grow to dislike his weird quirks and temperament but they would hate him if he didn't know them at all. They would think he abandoned them and Justin. Because that would be, what he'd be doing. Whether he supported them financially or not. Not that Justin even needed his money. He would have to stay with Justin. They would work out how to raise the children. There was nothing else for him to do.

Justin watched as Brian soaked in his words. It did finally seem like the man was really listening to him. For once, the brunet believed in the faith Justin had in him. He knew that everything in their lives would take some adjusting to with the babies. But all parents made huge adjustments to their lives when a child came along. They could do it. Despite Brian's doubts and fears, Justin knew they could. They would make great parents. He would be able to see Brian experience real parental love first hand.

Brian kissed Justin's nose, drew back away from him, and reached inside the pocket of his pants. He pulled out the box and opened it. He was a little uncertain about the shocked look on the blond's face. However, Brian knew this was what they both needed. More importantly, this is what his family needed. “I want to be our children’s father too. I want to learn from you how to do that. And we can learn anything you don't know together, if you want that. I want you to be my husband Justin. I will try my hardest to be the husband and father you and the children deserve. Will you forgive me for letting you go and hurting you? Will you marry me Justin Taylor?” Brian opened his mouth to take a deep breath but Justin's lips instantly attacked his own.

Justin moaned and launched himself at Brian. “Yes,” Justin spoke strongly, in-between bathing his tongue with Brian's saliva and taking deep breaths. “I’m so proud of you Brian. I love you.” Justin peppered kisses all over Brian's face. He pulled back and held out his hand.

Brian was out of breath from the emotions welling inside him and Justin's hungry quick exploration of their kisses. He gave Justin a lopsided grin, took the small silver band out of its box, and held Justin's shaking hand in his own. “I love you,” he spoke as he slipped the band onto Justin's finger.

Justin looked at the ring on his finger and then looked at Brian. “You can't take this back Brian. We'll work through everything now, together. You can trust me Brian.”

“I know,” Brian whispered. He leaned in to kiss Justin's pink lips.

Justin opened his mouth and mashed his tongue against Brian's hot one. His hands gripped Brian's shirt and moved to the front and he started to unbutton it.

Brian moaned and pulled away from Justin, panting. He stood up and started to undress himself. First, he finished what Justin had started and took off his shirt, folding it neatly and placing it on the top of the dresser. He did the same with his pants and underwear too. By the time he finished, Justin was lying completely naked in the center of the bed, having thrown his own clothes off, haphazardly onto the floor.

Brian took a moment to look over Justin. His hair was messy around his head. He looked into Justin's dark blue eyes and saw pure lust in them. His gaze traveled lower as he walked to and crawled up on the bed. Justin's lips were red and plump from their kissing. His tongue stuck out and licked his plump bottom lip. Brian's already rock hard cock got even harder. He really wanted to be inside Justin. “This is safe for you and the babies', right?”

Justin smiled. “Yes, definitely,” he said quickly. “But, if you don't touch me or get inside me soon, you won't be safe!”Justin growled. He'd gotten so utterly turned-on watching Brian slowly and methodically undress. He knew the brunet wasn't doing it to tease him, but still it felt that way to him.

Brian smirked at Justin and crawled up and over him on all fours. “What's going to be comfortable for you?”

“I'm not that big yet so anything is fine. You know how flexible I am. Just, go slow okay?”Justin wanted Brian to fuck him immediately, but he knew that he was still very tight. It wasn't very easy to play with a dildo or put his fingers inside himself with his stomach in the way, no matter how limber he was.

Brian leaned down and pushed his lips onto Justin's mouth. They kissed and sucked each other’s mouths for a few minutes until Brian's erection started brushing against Justin's and he felt like he might come. He crawled over to the nightstand and retrieved a condom and lube. Brian drew Justin's legs onto his shoulders, donned the condom and popped the cap on the slick liquid. He poured out a generous amount on his fingers he inched them forward and slowly slipped one into Justin's body.

Justin's back bowed with pleasure/pain at the entry and his skin broke out in goose bumps. “Brian...more,” he begged. “Get your cock inside me. Fill me up Brian!” He rotated his hips around and pushed down on Brian’s digit. “Please, fuck me. I need more than that finger Brian. I need to you. Please! Give me your dick Brian.” Justin didn’t care if he sounded like a slut with just the one finger gliding in and out of his chute making him mad with pleasure. He wanted more.

Brian took out the first finger, but then slid in two the next breath Justin took. He was going out of his mind as he watched Justin's tight hole accept his digits and then squeeze and twist around them. He pumped the two fingers in and out of the blond's ass torturously slow. His mouth watered and leaned down and dribbled his spit from his lips, spread his fingers apart and spat his saliva into Justin’s hole.

Justin keened in pleasure. “I'm ready Brian. Come on. I need it harder!”

Brian used his free arm to heft Justin's body up closer to him. He nearly had the boy hang up side down as he plunged his fingers hard into his hole and with the same stroke he moved his head down and put Justin's cock into his mouth.

“Oh My God!”Justin yelled. Surprised by Brian's action. Brian had never blown him before without a condom. Yet now, he was deep throating his cock with such skill. It felt so much different from when he wore a condom. The site of Brian sucking and pulling on his cock with his throat, mouth, and tongue had Justin squirming and on the verge of orgasm. “I'm gonna come Brian,” he warned the man.

Brian couldn't believe he'd held himself back from doing this act before. The taste flooding his mouth of Justin's pre-come was heavenly sweet and salty. He devoured all he could and suckled at the source like he was a starving man. Everything he did was pure instinct and reaction to the pleasure he found doing such a dirty and uninhibited act and to the obvious pleasure he was giving his lover.

He heard Justin warning him, telling him he was going to come soon. Brian thought he'd pull off and milk the orgasm with his hand. However, it was a fleeting thought. He didn't want that any more than Justin did. Therefore, he continued to swallow, suck and tease Justin's cock and finger his tender ass repeatedly until he heard the boy roar out his name. He then withdrew the cock from his throat as he felt it twitch on the way up and splatter come down his throat. He backed his mouth away until the spurting knob was only in his mouth and he suckled the spraying rod greedily, luxuriating in the taste of Justin’s come exploding onto his taste buds and saturating his senses with desire.

Justin was in complete and utter euphoria. His skin tingled and sweat ran off his brow in rivulets. His eyes were blurry as he came down from his orgasm and tried to focus on Brian who was still digging his tongue into his slit for the last of his flavors. It made him moan involuntarily and his body shook in a tremor that felt like a small orgasm.

Brian pulled off Justin's semi-hard cock with a plop. His fingers were still lodged in the blond's tight hole, feeling the aftershock sensations twist around them. His hazel eyes found Justin's and he smiled and then licked a stray drop of come from his lips. “I'm going to be inside you now.” He skimmed his condom off. “Okay?”

“Yes,” Justin gasped. “But… Brian, what has gotten into you?”Justin asked with labored breaths.

Brian shook his head and lowered Justin's legs and body. He positioned himself so that his wet dick was placed against the hand that's fingers were still resting inside Justin. The blond wrapped his legs around his waist as he pulled his sticky fingers out and captured his dick with them. “I want to be in you,” Brian told him, his voice husky. “That's all.”

Justin leaned up, put his arms around Brian, and brought their lips together. He kissed him softly and then leaned back down and grinded his ass against the dripping warm cock nestled between his cheeks. “Come inside me Brian.”

Brian knew this was a huge step for them. He could easily lean over, open the condom, and slip it on his dick, but; he didn't want that. He would have to go back to wearing a condom once the babies came. However, there wasn't any reason he couldn't make love to Justin raw right now. It may not always be like this, this carefree. However, today he had the strength to banish all the thoughts that normally upset their daily lives. Today he would make love to Justin Taylor, his fiancé and father of his children, with nothing between them.

“Take me,” Brian said softly. He pushed just the head of his cock inside Justin’s warm ass and then slowly entered the rest of the way.

“Oh!”Justin cried out as Brian's thick cock penetrated his body. He'd felt so empty for far too long. Now, filled with Brian's bare cock was everything he could have imagined. He wasn't going to question this new side of Brian now. The controlled and confident man that hovered above him was all he could have dreamed him to be. He would lie back, and allow his body to respond and show Brian the beauty in this act, this connection.

Brian pumped his hips and carefully braced his arms on each side of Justin's chest. His hands rested under Justin's sweaty armpits. His stomach rubbed against Justin's soft one as he slowly backed in and out of the tight opening that squeezed in rhythm around him.

They locked eyes and then mouths as their careful beginning started to lead to a more hurried pace. Brian shared Justin's flavor painted on his tongue and gave it to the boy, making them delirious from the taste of both of them together.

Justin leaned his neck to the side when Brian started to whisper kisses along his cheek and throat. He gave access to Brian's tongue and lips as they swirled and sucked his neck and collarbone; all the while, their sexes collided in tandem thrusts and pushes.

Brian tasted everything Justin offered to him. He sucked Justin's hard nipples and bit the nubs gently when he slowed the pace down; afraid he'd come to soon. He moved his mouth back up to Justin's and brought his pelvis down lower to brush against Justin's cock. He could feel it leaking just under his belly button and knew it was time. “I'm going to come inside you,” Brian whispered and broke the kiss for a moment.

Justin's eyes squeezed shut from the hammering pleasure but he opened them when he heard Brian's words. “come inside me,” he told him. “come inside me and stay with me Brian.” Justin ran his hands up and down Brian's muscular back as the man pummeled his hole with hard rams of his cock, over and over, bringing them to the edge.

“Fuck Justin, you’re so fucking tight. Squeeze me inside you,” Brian ordered, plunging in quickly and out again.

Justin listened and used his muscles to twist Brian's cock upon entry and exit. His prostate was swollen and so tender he knew that on the next touch he'd be flying and seeing stars. “Ahhh! Brian!” He yelled out and his balls drew up tight to his body. “Oh yes Brian.” When he came, it was an intense climax. Justin barely could feel ready for it. His entire body coiled and unwound in ecstasy, fast and repeatedly.

Brian held his dick inside Justin as the blond gave into his orgasm and his cock shot his cream between them. He closed his eyes from all the over sensitizing and cried out Justin's name as the clamping on his cock took him into his own wild come.

They shook, moaned and released torrents of expression and feeling into each other. Justin became aware of Brian's emission coating his insides. It felt amazing. It also signaled a growth in his lover he could barely comprehend. This act showed Justin how willing Brian was to step out of his box and just be with Justin.

Brian turned them to their sides, unable to support his weight any longer, but he wanted to stay inside Justin. He hugged the blond to him and stared into Justin’s glassy blue eyes. “I love you.”

Justin smiled sleepily; exhausted from the climaxes he'd reached so close together after such a long time. They'd have to recondition their bodies to the pleasure once again. “Stay with me,” Justin said tiredly.

Brian kissed Justin's forehead. “I'll never leave you. Never,” he vowed and closed his eyes.

There would be a lot of stuff they'd have to work out in the morning and in the coming months. For now, everything was perfect. Brian felt perfect. For the first time in his life, he knew exactly what perfection was and the way to accomplish it. Perfection was lying beside him in the form of a blond beauty that was carrying his children inside his body.

My Only Critic

Chapter 15: “Truth”

We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.-Blaise Pascal

Monday February 25th 2008

“How could you not tell me?” Justin accuses the man before him. “After all this time! You let me think…”

“I didn’t know what to do,” Jon said. “I know it was wrong.”

“You’re God damn right it was wrong!” Justin yelled. “You’re just as bad as my… Jennifer. Why didn’t you every tell me. Jon answer me that.”

Brian rubbed the small of Justin’s back with his hand. “Calm down Justin. You’re not supposed to get stressed out.”

Justin put his head in his hands and cried. “My whole life has been a huge fucking lie,” he whimpered.

“It hasn’t been a lie,” Brian told the blond. “I haven’t lied to you.”

Justin picked his head up and pushed his chair away from the table. “You’re right. You haven’t lied to me Brian,” he yelled and stood up. “You’ve only abandoned me, abandoned your children.” He glared at Jon. “Just like him.”

Brian helplessly watched Justin run from the table and into his bedroom. The door slammed behind him. The boy’s sobs carried into the kitchen where Brian and Jon sat across from each other.

“Brian I’m sorry,” Jon said softly.

Brian turned to Jon and glared at the man. “You’d better fix this! This whole time we both counted on you. I…I told you things that I’ve only ever trusted Cynthia or Justin with. You do this to us?”

“Us?” Jon asked in alarm.

“We were fine this morning!” Brian yelled. “He said he forgave me. He wanted to marry me. We were fucking happy. Justin invited you over for dinner to talk about his mother, but he also wanted to ask you to be his best man. You have to fix this. Now!” He demanded and stood up from the table. “Go in there and explain to him what you were thinking allowing Jennifer and Craig to raise your child. Tell him something other than ‘I don’t know what to say’. Go!” Brian shouted at Jon.

Jon blinked in surprise. He’d never seen Brian be so aggressive or controlling before. If it were any other situation, he might stop and congratulate the man for his efforts. He was scared shitless of losing both of the men and quickly walked into Justin’s room.

Justin glared at Jon. “Go away,” he hissed. “I don’t want to see you. Get out of my house!”

“Justin,” Jon pleaded and sat beside the blond boy. “Please listen to me. Please just give me a minute to explain.”

“How can you?” Justin whispered.

“I’m going to try. If you’ll listen.”

“I would’ve listened all these years!” Justin said angrily. “You had all these years to tell me the truth.”

“I know, but I was afraid you would hate me and I thought you were better off with Jennifer. I didn’t realize, until recently, that you and she didn’t have a good relationship. I swear, if I’d known what she was doing to you and with your career, I would’ve told you sooner.”

“How did she get me in the first place?” Justin asked.

“Your mom and dad tried to have children together but Jennifer couldn’t ever get pregnant. She even tried to kill herself after her fourth miscarriage. They had to give her a hysterectomy because the fourth pregnancy was so bad on her body. That’s when Craig suggested he try and so he asked me to be the father.”

Justin sniffled, “Why you?”

“I was his best friend and he knew I wouldn’t hurt him.”

“But why would you do something like that?”

“I loved Craig,” Jon confessed. “I loved him more than I loved anyone in the whole world. Even now, you must know that I’ve never gotten over him. I agreed because I thought that if he was with me, if I could make love to him, show him what it was like to be with me, that he’d want to stay with me and raise the baby with me. And if he didn’t want to stay with me, than at least I knew he’d be happy. Jennifer, Craig, and I had already agreed that I would be welcome to come over whenever I wanted. I would be your godfather and have a hand in raising you with them both.”

“Is that why you lived across the street? So you could be near me?”

“Yes. After you were born, I didn’t want to leave you, so I moved there as soon as I could. I’d realized that I would never be anything to your father but a friend. I was happy with that, because I got to share you with them. We’d planned on telling you the truth when we thought you were old enough to understand.”

“But you didn’t,” Justin whimpered and wiped his tears. “Why?”

“When you’re Dad died.” Jon paused and cleared his throat. “I was an intern at the hospital. I saw the wheel him in on the stretcher. He was so hurt, he saw me, and all he could do was just beg me not to you away from Jennifer. He begged me Justin. He begged me until he couldn’t talk anymore. And I promised him that I wouldn’t.”

“But why did you stop seeing me?”

“Your mom said it was too confusing for you. You were growing distant from her and she was jealous. She was so angry with me. She blamed me for Craig’s death.”

“Why?” Justin asked.

“Because the reason he was driving in the middle of the night was because he’d gotten in a fight with Jennifer about me and left so their arguing wouldn’t wake you up.”

“What were they arguing about?”

“She wanted to move to a bigger house in another neighborhood and your dad knew I couldn’t afford to move there. They fought about moving all the time. Your dad was such a wonderful man Justin. He wanted to please the both of us and didn’t want to deny me you. I know I could’ve fought to keep you with me. I know that. But they were listed as your parents on your birth certificate, not me. More than that, I couldn’t have afforded to keep you with me at the time.”

“What about later?” Justin wondered. “Once you became a doctor you could’ve.”

“You’re right Justin. I could’ve. But I thought you were happy and I didn’t want to upset that. I also didn’t want to go back on my promise to your father.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Justin confessed. “I’m so angry at you…Dad.”

Jon put his arm around his son’s waist. “I’m sorry. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you, for lying to you. I just hope you’ll forgive me one day.”

Brian peaked his head in the bedroom door. “Is… is everything okay in here?”

Justin extracted himself from Jon and stood up. He walked into Brian’s awaiting arms. “I’m so sorry I said those things to you Brian. I know you didn’t abandon me.”

“I told you I never would,” Brian whispered back.

Jon stood up and walked over to the couple. “I’m going to head home. Justin, if you want to talk, whenever you feel like it, I’ll be waiting.” The man walked out of the bedroom and walked toward the front door.

Justin ran after him, Brian following closely behind him. “Dad?”

Jon turned around. Hearing Justin call him that, for the second time, even after everything he’d done, gave him hope. “Yeah.”

“I… it’s going to take some time for me to process this. But I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t,” Jon promised.

Justin took Brian’s hand in his own and squeezed it. “Brian and I are planning to get married next month. I’d like it if you’d come.”

Brian nodded in agreement and said. “It’s just going to be a small ceremony at a church Cynthia attends. It’ll just be my sister and her family, if they’ll come, Cynthia, her father and you.”

“Of course I’ll come,” Jon said. “I’m really happy for both of you. I know that you two are going to have an amazing life together.”

Justin cleared his throat. “I’d like for you to be my best man.”

Jon smiled. “Even after…”

“Yes,” Justin interrupted. He left Brian’s side and hugged his father. “I’d be very lucky to have my father stand up for me.”

Jon pulled away and looked Justin in the eyes. “I’m the one who is lucky Justin. I can finally call you son.”

My Only Critic

Chapter 16: Everything

December 24th 2008

Justin’s P.O.V.

With one breath, with one word, with one chance meeting, everything can change. Fate’s design works in mysterious ways.

The last ten months of my life have been crazy.

At the end of March, Brian and I bought a house in Lincoln Park. It was a huge decision and I was more than a little thrown when Brian suggested it. His lease would be ending on his condo that month and I’d figured that we would just add my name to it and I would sell my loft. However, Brian thought it would be best if we started from scratch. He said it would be easier for him to blend our lives and routines if we started from scratch.

It was, until the girls were born, but I’ll get to that later.

We married the first week of April. My father, wow, it still makes me smile to call him that. Jon, he was my best man and Cynthia was Brian’s maid of honor. Well, he didn’t want to use that term, but that’s what she was. It was a small, private ceremony held in our new home’s backyard. Brian invited Cynthia’s father, Brian’s boss and Claire and her family.

Brian’s relationship with Claire got off to a slow start, but now we see each other all the time. Claire gave birth to our niece Sarah about two months after I had the twins. She and her husband Greg have been amazing to Brian and me. After we brought the girls home, Claire stayed with us for two weeks to help us get accustomed to parenthood. It was wonderful to have her help and she never pushed or got in the way. She gently encouraged Brian to help with them and though it was a huge, life altering change for Brian, his sister’s faith in him, meant a lot to him and me.

My relationship with Jon has been amazing. He hurt me, so much. But, there was something about knowing that I would be a father soon that led to me forgiving him, much quicker than I probably would have other wise. He was on one side of me in the delivery room and yes, if you can believe it, Brian was on the other side of my bed. Jon stayed with us on the weekends to help for the first three months. He was also the twins’ first babysitter and watched them for us when I had what will probably be my last gallery show, for some time.

My relationship with Jennifer and Daphne has been non-existent. I didn’t want to do it, but when she found out I was marrying Brian she tried to cause us a lot of problems. So, I did what I had to do. I sued her. I didn’t need the money she had stolen from me, I still don’t. The revenue I have from my last show could be enough to support our family for the rest of lives. And, it’s not as though Brian doesn’t have a well paying job. But, she wouldn’t stop harassing me and I had to go through with what I threatened.

She backed off as soon as the summons arrived at her door. I dropped the case and I haven’t heard from her since. I did, however see Daphne, shortly after the twins were born. I was in the market with Brian and the girls and she was working the register. She acted as though she didn’t know me and frankly, I think I’m glad she did. It is the truth. Daphne was never my best friend and she never knew me at all.

Our identical twin girls, Laryn and Rylan Kinney were born the first week of May. I’d promised Brian that I would understand if he didn’t want to be in the room with me and up until the day I went into labor, I was satisfied with having Jon as my coach. But, Brian stayed in the room with me from the minute we arrived to the minute we left with our newborns. He took a shower in the bathroom at the hospital, which I could hardly believe. He slept in his clothes in a spare bed the wheeled in the first night.

He never even looked away from what had to be to him, the grossest, but to me, the most beautiful site in the world as I gave birth to his children. When Dr. Marc lay first Laryn and then Rylan on my chest, barely cleaned off, Brian leaned down to kiss them, touch them. I was so emotional as it was, but when he did that and whispered, ‘Thank you’, I couldn’t stop crying for a long, long time.

Brian’s eyes were misty with tears and he followed the nurses around the room and they weighed, measured and wrapped the girls in blankets. I barely had myself under control when he surprised me and initiated holding Laryn the moment she was swaddled in yellow. I am so glad Jon was taking video and photos the whole time because my eyes remained clouded with tears for hours.

He asked one of the nurses to show him how to change Rylan’s first diaper and it was a good thing I was already in the hospital because I nearly passed out in shock. It seems funny now, especially because Brian has now changed just as many diapers as I have, but then, it was so completely unexpected I was almost as happy about that as I was to see him hold our children for the first time.

He refused the offer to put the girls in the nursery for the first night and slept on and off, changing their diapers and handing them to me when they were hungry. We decided to let them stay in the nursery for the second night so we could get a good night’s sleep. Brian didn’t sleep in the spare bed that night. He cuddled up beside me and we held onto each other and talked about our future and dreams for Laryn and Rylan until we fell into an exhausted sleep.

The girls were a little early, but, both were healthy and I was so close to my due date that we were able to take them home two days after they were born. That’s when things started getting difficult for Brian.

He started second guessing himself about a half hour after we got home. Claire planned to arrive later that evening and Jon left for work a few minutes after we got there. So it was just our family, in our house, for the first time.

I was tired, but too high on excitement to really care. Brian held Rylan and I held Laryn and we sat in the rocking chairs in their nursery just listening to the sound of their identical breathing. I started to feel so peaceful and hopeful that Brian would always be so easy going and with them. But, then, Rylan began to cry, needing to be fed, and that signaled Laryn to cry.

At the hospital I was easily prepared with the nursing pillow but we hadn’t yet brought it in from the car. Brian handed Rylan to me and seemed to lose to it right after he did. He asked me what he needed to do and even though I told him that it was okay for them to cry until he got the pillow from the car, he just kept pacing and asking me, over and over what he needed to do to help me. I tried to calmly speak to him and direct him to go out to the car and retrieve what I needed, but he started crying and mumbling about him not doing anything right. He begged me to tell him what I needed from him, but he wasn’t really listening to me.

His mumbling and pleading seemed to make the girl’s crying even worse. I was still sore and it was hard for me to get up from the rocking chair while holding the both babies, but I managed it and quickly lay them in their crib. They actually calmed down a little when I did and gave me time to pull Brian from the room into the hall.

I didn’t know what to do. He kept asking me to forgive him for being a bad father. He begged me to not to leave him and swore that he’d do whatever he could to give us what we needed. I just had to tell him. He said, over and over. I just had to tell him what he shouldn’t forget. It broke my heart and I felt guilty for leaving him in the first place. He was so terrified of messing up, of me leaving him. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my hands through his hair and told him what a wonderful father he already was and promised not to leave him. The girls’ cries lessened as Brian’s fears did. I knew that they’d both eaten well right before we’d left the hospital and I they would be okay for a few minutes until I could calm their father down.

Brian apologized profusely as soon as he came to his senses. He tried to tell me that it had been what he was afraid of and that the girls and I would be better off without him. But I knew that couldn’t be true. So I ignored that completely. I told him that I needed him to go out to the car and bring in the bags. He listened this time and brought them into the nursery. I asked him to help set up the pillow and then bring his daughters over to me. Once they were both in my arms, happy and content, I looked up at Brian, said thank you, and assured him that I couldn’t have made the girls’ happy without him.

I realized I had to get through to Brian. Every day I gave him the same tasks to help us so that he’d know what to expect. I nursed the girl’s separately while he was at work, but honestly, it was harder without him and I told him that. I didn’t get to have peaceful feedings unless Claire or Jon was there with me to help. As they got older, it got easier because I wasn’t so scared they’d loose their head if I held them the wrong way. But those first few months, it was usually Brian who helped give me and the girls our peaceful time together. Every act he helped out with I made sure to praise him and thank him. He did the same with me too.

The times that I can tell he needs his own space, I usually tell him that I want some time alone with the girls. Again, he does the same with me. I’ve always felt like Brian and I knew each other, read each other’s thoughts and feelings, but raising the girls has taken that to a whole different level.

After a while, I stopped over-thinking the things I’d ask of Brian and we fell into a usually unspoken routine. This was right around the time that we began having sex again. It was yet another way we became connected and our bond with each other became stronger.

I don’t have much time to paint, so instead, I’ve taken up taking photos like Brian. Of course, I’m no where near the amazing photographer he is, but, it gives me a great creative outlet and when I can, I paint from the pictures I take. All the paintings I’ve completed so far hang on various walls of our home. I also gave one to my father, Cynthia and Claire.

Brian’s confidence as a father and at work has excelled this year! He has won journalist of the year at the Sun Times. On New Years Eve, we’re invited to the Fairmont Hotel where they are holding a celebration dinner for all the paper’s staff and award winners. Brian will receive his award and also give a speech. He’s very nervous about the speech part of the night, but he’s been practicing the acceptance since he was told he won, nearly a month ago.

The award winners usually bring their families because the dinner is early in the evening. We’ll be taking the girls and Jon and of course, Cynthia will be there to support Brian too. They’ve comped us a two bedroom suite from that Wednesday through the weekend. Jon has offered to watch the girls for us so we could attend the party, but Brian and I have decided that after the dinner and award ceremony we’re going to go back to the hotel room and celebrate the New Year with just us two. The twins only wake up once a night now, but it’s almost always a little after two. They get their fill of milk and fall back asleep right away, so there’s no need to spoil my father’s night of fun.

“Justin, come here!” I hear Brian call from the living room. His tone is happy and I hear Rylan and Laryn giggling from where I am, upstairs in the bedroom, so I’m sure something adorable is probably happening.

I grab my camera from the printer tray and head downstairs. As soon as I reach the landing I see Brian is sitting on the floor behind the twins. Laryn and Rylan have pulled themselves up onto the baby gate that surrounds our Christmas tree. “Oh my god!”

Brian stands up and pulls me into a kiss. “Look at them! They’re standing all on their own!”

“I’m just glad they didn’t start doing this last week,” I say and burst out laughing when Rylan grabs for a rocking horse ornament that is just out of her reach.

Brian picks them both up in his arms and sets them down in the seat of an arm chair. They both start laughing hysterically. I have to take a few candid shots, none of them are that great, but it’s hard to get a good picture of the girls now that they insist on moving around constantly.

We took them to see Santa today in the mall, so they’re still dressed in their cute little Mrs. Santa dresses. I can’t believe we’re already celebrating their first Christmas. Last month Laryn said Dada and Rylan followed with speaking, Daddy. Now that they’re pulling themselves up I think they’ll be walking soon. I’m afraid they’re not going to be babies much longer. Whatever happened to my little newborns that curled up together in a tiny bassinette?

“You okay Justin?” Brian whispers in my ear and kisses my cheek.

“Yeah,” I tell him, looking at the girls who are picking at the white fur on their dresses. “Just thinking about how fast the twins have grown up.”

Brian stands up and picks up both of the girls in his arms. He’s much better at that than I am because his arms are longer. “Give Daddy kisses,” he requests of them gently. “It’s time for bed.”

“Daddy!” Laryn leans forward but pulls back when I try and kiss her.

This means that Rylan has to do the exact same thing. I humor them both and pretend like I can’t kiss them. Brian and I are laughing as hard as the girls are. When the girls reach the point that their high-pitched squeals are turning into seconds of breathless laughter and I wrap my arms around Brian, Rylan and Laryn and proceed to kiss them all over their faces. Their laughter starts to fade and I take Laryn from Brian. “Okay, now it’s definitely time for bed.”

“Are you tired? Brian asks, his voice husky.

I am tired; it’s been a long day. But I’m never too tired for sex. I look over my shoulder at him right before I climb the first stair. His eyes are dark and his smile has turned from innocent to sexy. I lick my lips and walk upstairs as quickly. I really hope the girls go down easily tonight. “I’m not tired,” I answer.

Brian rubs his hand over my ass and replies, “Good. I’ve wanted to fuck you all day.”

I noticed. He was showing more public affection while we were out, surrounded by hordes of people, than I would’ve ever expected. I think Brian uses me and the girls as outlets for his fears. We’re like ‘home base’ for him whenever we go out together. Today, it was all me, but I’m not complaining.

I wait for Brian to reach the top of the stairs and slap his ass when he walks in front of me. “You do realize it’ll be at least an hour before they’re asleep?”

He kisses me quickly. “I can wait,” he laughs.

December 31st 2008

Brian’s speech goes off without a hitch. Well, except when the twins started babbling, “Dada, Dada” and clapping in the middle of it. But the whole room of people laughed and I think that relaxed Brian. After that, he focused on our table the whole the time. I hate to say that I didn’t listen to his acceptance speech too closely, but I was so focused on looking at him, willing him strength and feeling so proud of him. It was all I could focus on.

I brought the new Polaroid camera Brian got me for Christmas to the dinner. Yes, you’d never guess that a photographer would actually buy such a thing. But, I have thousands of pictures of the twins and they’re all on my computer or cd’s and I rarely have time to print them out or order copies of them and put them in the scrapbook. This way, I can put them in the photo albums for now, and use Brian’s pictures for the scrapbooks. I took enough photos to fill up an entire pocket of the diaper bag and handed it off to Cynthia to take one of me, Brian and the girls together.

My father brought a date. His name is Henry, he’s a lot younger than Jon, but I have to admit they make a great couple. I’m sure he’s glad I turned his offer to babysit down. They’ve been dancing together all night and I’m pretty sure that he may have found his one.

We left the party right after we finished desert. Rylan and Laryn were so tired from the excitement; they barely got to eat before they passed out. Now, Brian is taking a shower and I’m sitting on the bed, going through the scrapbook I brought with me.

The pages are filled with Brian’s articles, not only about me and my shows, but everything he’s done in the time since I started collecting them. The most recent one is the Sun Times Article: “For the Love of Art”. There are two pictures of me in the article, one from a professional photo shoot he did with me and another candid of just my face, smiling at him.

Flashback

“You want me to give you an interview now?”

“Sure, why not?” Brian asks, seriously.

“You’re naked,” I laugh out and gently kick his thigh.

“So are you,” he retorts as he stretches out onto his side at the foot of my bed. He starts laughing at me.

“What’s so funny?” I wonder.

“This is just how I picture all the people I interview,” he tells me, smirking.

“You’d better be joking,” I warn.

“Of course I am. You know what some of those people I’ve interviewed look like.” He sits back up and grabs his notebook and turns on the voice recorder. “So, Justin Taylor…”

“Yes?” I roll my eyes but smile at him. Now, of course when I first heard Brian would interview me, I was excited. But now, I’m a different kind of excited.

“Do you get a hard-on any time an Art Critic interviews you?”

I can’t hold in my laughter and reach forward to grab the recorder and shut it off. “You know, I let you take those naked pictures of me, but you are not going to record us talking dirty.”

Brian pouts and sighs. “Fine. I’ll erase it. But you know, this may affect my critique of your work.”

“Brian Kinney,” I gasp. “What has gotten into you?”

Brian raises his eyebrow. “I think you know.” He clicks the record button and clears his throat. “Justin Taylor, I’ve had the pleasure of previewing your new series. You’re using much more vibrant colors than you have in the past. Can you tell me what inspired this change?”

I blush a little at the question. I know he knows exactly what, or who my inspiration is. “Well, I fell in love.”

“You did?” He asks, as though he doesn’t know.

“Yes. And, the world doesn’t seem so dark anymore.”

“I know the feeling. It can change your perspective on life.”

“Exactly.”

Back to December 31st 2008

“You brought the scrapbook?” Brian asks in surprise.

I nod and look up at him. He’s still glistening from the shower, standing beside the bed in only a towel. I knew I’d take a lot of pictures today, I only had one page left and wanted to finish it before the year ended.”

Brian runs his fingers through my hair and sits beside me. “Were you fixing this page?” He peers over my shoulder to the article I was looking at.

“No. I was just remembering the interview. It was the best one I’d ever given.”

“It better be,” he laughs and points to the head shot. “You were naked and I have the picture to prove it.”

I nudge his shoulder against mine. “You’re lucky no one can tell. I was so worried they’d be able to.”

“All this talk about you being naked, yet you aren’t,” he says sadly and bats his eyelashes at me.

I stand up from the bed and put the scrapbook up on the dresser and turn back to Brian. “So, you want me naked?”

He leans against the pillows, takes off his towel and pulls up his legs as his answer. “I think you should want to be naked.”

Oh my god. “Brian,” I whisper his name because I can barely speak. He’s prepared his hole in the shower and has a small blue butt plug inside him.

He smirks at me. “So?”

I practically rip off my suit, jump on top of him and start kissing him. “That’s new?” I ask between kisses.

“It’s a New Year,” he laughs, dragging his tongue against my face.

I roll us over so he’s on top of me and spread one of his ass cheeks and press onto the plug. He groans and bites my bites my neck. “You like that?”

He presses his cock against my abs and moans, “Yes.”

I tap the end of it again and he practically jumps out of my arms. I refrain from laughing at the surprised look on his face, only because I’m too fucking turned on to.

“You’d better take that out and fuck me or I’m going to come.”

“I want you to ride me,” I request, kissing down chest. “I want to watch you fuck yourself on my dick, Brian.”

He pinches one of my nipples and holds onto it as he leans over to the nightstand. I yell out in pain and pleasure as he retrieves a lubed condom. He moves his body and sits on my thighs, leans forward and starts licking my chest while opening and rolling the condom on my dick. This is going to be fast, for both of us. But I want Brian to be fucking me as we listen to the fireworks bring the New Year in.

When my dick slides inside him I bite my lip and stare up at Brian as he adjusts to the penetration. He stops focusing on the pain and looks into my eyes. There’s something so different in them. He holds my eyes and slowly grinds around on my dick and grabs my hands. He squeezes them in the same rhythm that he squeezes my cock and it’s going to have me comeming any second.

The combination of this different, open connection he’s sharing with me emotionally and also giving me his body, so readily causes me to come only a few minutes after he speeds his movements up.

Brian falls forward and his dick explodes between our stomachs as he groans into my shoulder. I hold him, still inside his body for a few minutes as I wait to catch our breaths and start on the next round.

“Did it feel different?” I hear him whisper into my ear.

“Yeah,” I admit.

“I let you have all me. I let myself go, for you. I’m yours Justin.”

I bring his face up and look into his hazel eyes and kiss him soundly. “I know,” I tell him. “I felt it Brian. I’m yours too. I always have been.”

He smiles at me and puts his head back on my shoulder. I slide out of him, toss the condom into the trash and wrap my arms back around him. The first of the fireworks start outside, signaling the New Year, and I just keep holding on. I don’t need Brian to lose himself inside me to feel like I have all of him. I just have to hold him to know that I do. That I will, forever.

The End