ASHES TO AUTUMN





PART ONE: Lilacs & Lolita; Autumn Monologue

Brian had pushed Justin away and he felt his life was slipping away with him but he couldn't admit it.  He thought he had done it for all the right reasons. Brian missed his boy his reason to breathe, now Justin had another in his life and he hoped Justin would get what he wanted.

One day as Brian walked alone down Liberty Ave. he passed a music store known to feature songs from up and coming artists.  He heard the noise that was supposed to pass for music blaring from the door. Absent mindedly he was about to say `this sounds like the garbage you like' but the one he would've said it to wasn't at his side.  He swiped at the tear that formed at the corner of his eye and went inside the store.

Brian pretended to look at some CDs then went to the counter and inquired about the song that was playing.  The kid pointed to the new artists display.

Brian listened to the whole CD unable to move reading the lyrics.  In between the screaming he felt the words. He put down the headphones grabbed two copies and paid for them then raced home.

As Brian ripped off the protective cellophane he felt his heart pounding within his chest.  He was unable to say words to Justin but he hoped the music and lyrics would say it for him.  He popped in the CD and listened again over and over.

For the next few days Brian came home immediately after work to listen to the music.  Somehow he had to get Justin to listen. With a yellow highlighter he marked the songs that explained his feelings; his feelings of anger, frustration, sorrow, regret, and love.

One day Brian wrapped the CD in brown paper and tied it with a blue ribbon that reminded him of the color of Justin's eyes.  He made for the diner. Before entering he bought a single blood red rose and slipped it under the ribbon.

The diner was busy and Justin was behind the counter.  Finding an empty stool Brian sat without asking Justin put a cup of coffee in front of him and slid over the sugar.  Justin saw the package and raised an eyebrow. Without saying a word Brian slid the slim box and rose over to Justin.  Justin was about to slide it back when Brian said, "please take it." Justin nearly fainted Brian hardly ever said please other than during some hot steamy sex.  Justin took the package. Brian threw down some money and left.

Debbie saw the whole exchange that left Justin visibly shaken.  She gently hugged and said, "honey take a break." Grabbing the box Justin went into the break room.

Justin sat and looked at the rose.  Thinking to himself, if Brian had only done that a long time ago none of this would happened.  Tears slipped down his face as he fingered the soft petals. Justin untied the velvet blue ribbon and stuck it in his pocket.  He saw the CD, a band he didn't know intrigued by the cover graphics. The he noticed the missing wrapper. Angrily he pushed it away, a used CD was that all he was worth.  Confused he reached for the box nothing made
sense.  He opened the jewel case and saw a note stuck in it, J-listen, read the words-B.

Justin started to shake Brian listened to the CD he read the lyrics.  This was so out of character. Justin wanted to go home to listen but he had to work a couple more hours.  He shoved the CD into his pack and put the rose in water till he could go home then went back to work.

As Justin raced home he felt that he just worked the longest two hours in his whole life.  When he arrived at Ethan's apartment he prayed that Ethan wouldn't be there. Checking his watch he figured he had just enough time before Ethan came back from rehearsal.  He hurried in dropped his jacket and pulled the CD from his pack. He put the disc in his discman and then remembered the rose. Carefully removing it from his pocket he found a vase and put it in.  He wasn't
sure how he was going to explain the flower but he'd make something up.  Justin intended to keep the rose forever. Done he switched on the discman.

Assaulted by the noise of the first song he took out the lyrics and noticed the yellow highlighted passages of the 2nd and 7th song.  He advanced to the songs.

Lilacs & Lolita

So I'm sorry, as two hands open doors
Something serene to steal my life away
Climbing on the way up, sizing up the competition
Waiting for the right time,
To strike a chord and change your life
Don't you ever think for one-second that
I will forget the reasons that I cried.
You are no more potent than the words that choke me.
I sit and ask you two words.
But this is not a product, and we're not in a competition,
Waiting for the right time,
To strike a chord and change your life
Regret's how I spell your name.
In light of what you have done.
How can you not feel the same?
My love will fade with the sun.
As days go by, shed a tear.
I hate your face more than life.
I'll fake a smile for (you) my dear.
So turn away.
Climbing on the way up,
Sizing up the competition,
Waiting for the right time,
To strike a chord and change your life


Autumns Monologue

Oh, why can't I be what you need?
A new improved version of me.
But I'm nothing so good no, I'm nothing…just bones.
A lonely ghost burning down songs of violence, of love, of sorrow.
I beg for just one more tomorrow!
Where you'd hold me down, fold me in deep deep deep in the heart of your sins.
I'd break in two over you I'd break in two and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me.
You don't.
Here I'm, pinned between darkness and light, bleached and blinded by these nights.
Where I'm tossing and tortured till dawn by you, visions of you,
then you're gone.
The shock bleeds the red from my face, when I hear someone's taken my place.
How could love be so thoughtless, so cruel?
When all, all that I did was for you…
I'd break in two over you I'd break in two and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me.
You don't.
I'd break in two over you I'd break in two and each piece of me dies
and only you can give the breath of life!
But you don't see me.
You don't.
I'd break in two over you, I'd break in two over you!
Over you.
I'd break in two, I would break in two over you.
Now you see me, now you don't.
Now you need me, now you don't.

Justin listened again to the songs and then pulled off the headphones.  He started to sob; the words were pure Brian, his anger, his pain mixed with his love.  Justin continued to sob. Doubts entered his mind, doubts about Brian, Ethan and himself.  Justin wanted to listen to the whole CD but he heard Ethan at the door.
Justin shoved the CD back into his pack, wiped at his tears and faked a smile.
End of part one.

ASHES TO AUTUMN



Part two: The After Dinner Payback

Over the next few days Justin was able to listen to the whole CD.  He became so distracted by the whole incident at the diner and the music.  Ethan was noticing the changes within him. When they made love something was missing.  Ethan tried to dismiss it as overwork, studying a lot and the news about his concert.

One day when Justin found some alone time at school he took out the lyrics and with an orange highlighter he marked the first song.  Now he had to get it to Brian.

Justin rewrapped the CD in the same brown paper and tied it with a moss green ribbon that reminded him of Brian's eyes as they changed with his passion.  Justin bought a pure white rose and stuck it in the ribbon.

It was mid day and he knew Brian would be at work Justin went to the loft.  Letting himself in with the key he never returned he made his way to the bedroom.  Justin refused to look around afraid if he did he would see visions of the life they shared.  Looking down he went up the steps into the bedroom and placed the CD on Brian's pillow. Before leaving be bent down and inhaled the scent, the mixture of Brian, his shampoo and cigarettes the scent that brought him life.  
The tears started again as he raced for the door.  Setting the alarm he locked up and went home.

Late that night Brian arrived home drunk and angry.  He stunk like the trick he had in the alley near Woody's.  Blinded by anger and pain he went to the bedroom and froze.  He saw the rose blaring white against the dark stuck in the package on his pillow.  He wanted to go for it immediately but stopped. Brian couldn't touch it not with the smell of the trick on him.  He stripped out of his clothes put everything in the hamper and took a hot shower.

Brian scrubbed his skin till he felt raw.  He stepped out and quickly toweled off. With his hair still dripping he gingerly fingered the rose that was starting to droop from lack of water.  He found a bud vase quickly filling it and stuck in the rose. He hoped he managed to rescue it he would keep the flower.

Brian untied the ribbon and draped it over a framed picture of Justin and Gus.  He opened the CD box and found the first song highlighted in orange. He had no need to listen he memorized each song.  

The After Dinner Payback

I'm not wishing anymore.
I'm not writing songs for you.
I sleep better in the dark.
I'm not doing this for you.
This is because of you I don't believe.
Tongue tied an institute of my relief.
You're my, my reason to shame. (my reason to shame)
I'm not wishing anymore.
I'm not writing songs for you.
I sleep better in the dark.
I'm not doing this for you.
This is because of you I don't believe.
Tongue tied an institute of my relief.
One wish that is over.
You are all I waste today.
Discarded worthless throw it away
Will it tear you apart?
Will it?
Will it tear you apart?
When I turn and walk away.
Abandon, it's not worth the effort,
When stalling means too fucking scared to create,
Abandon, it's not worth the effort,
When stalling and too scared
One wish that this is over.
You are all I waste today.
Discarded worthless throw it away
Will it tear you apart?
Will it?
Will you tear it apart?
When I turn and walk away.
I'm not holding onto this.
I'm not wasting words on you.
I sleep alone in spite of it.
I'll do anything for you.
This is because of you I feel relief.
Tongue tied to instigate what I believe.
You're my reason to blame. (my reason to blame)
I'm not holding onto this.
I'm not wasting words on you.
I sleep alone in spite of it.
I'll do anything for you.
This is because of you I feel relief.
Tongue tied instigate what I believe.
You're me reason to blame. (my reason to blame)

Brian crawled into bed and slipped his hand under Justin's pillow to pull out an old worn t-shirt that Justin would wear around the loft when he sketched.  Brian clutched the shirt to his face the scent of his boy was still there. He breathed in Brian's cock automatically twitched with a life all its own. He cried himself into a fitful sleep holding the shirt and the lyrics.


End of part two.

ASHES TO AUTUMN



Part three: The Second Wrong Makes You Feel Right

Justin moped around for days.  He was happy for Ethan his first major concert was coming up.  Justin decided some how he would attend.

Justin was feeling a bit stupid.  He wanted to listen to the CD listen and read the words but he had given it back to Brian.  Now all that was left was a faded rose that he carefully pressed into one of his art books. He put it next to a picture of Michelangelo's David, the sculpture reminded Justin of Brian.

When Justin arrived at the diner for his shift the CD was waiting for him.  It was as if Brian knew what Justin was thinking. This CD was new the protective wrapper was still in place.  A small note was taped the cover, "I understand" was all it said. Justin shoved the CD in to his pack and went to work.

After Ethan's triumphant performance and disastrous homecoming Justin's world spun out of control.  He felt homeless, he questioned his whole life up to this point and wondered how he got here.

One night at Daph's while listening to the music for the umpteenth time Justin marked another song.  Not willing to give up the whole CD he slipped the lyric booklet into his pocket and went to Woody's looking for Brian.

Justin saw Brian working very hard at becoming totally drunk surrounded by the gang.  He boldly made his way to the bar and stood behind Brian. Brian sensed the boy's presence and turned.  As he inhaled the boy's scent he felt Justin press something into his hand. Justin smiled weakly and touched Brian's cheek then walked away.

Brian felt floods of emotion crash into him like a tidal wave.  He had to leave. Emmett and Ted were speechless. Mikey started to rant and rave cursing Justin.  Brian shot him an angry glare and grabbed at Mikey's shirt. Brian looked like he was going to punch him. The look of fear flashed across Michael's face, Brian released him and fled back to the loft.

As Brian went into the loft he looked at the paper in his hand.  The lyric book was crushed within his fist. Carefully he unwrinkled it as best as he could and turned each page; he came across…



The Second Wrong Makes You Feel Right

Began, present, fade out,
Judgment please don't fail me now,
This time, this time
A lesson learned is a picture burned,
You're a memory to me,
Upon ignition come bear witness to the greatest therapy,
Just begin, present, fade out,
Judgment please don't fail me now,
This time
That was the day I put your picture aside.
Swallowed the fact that dream had died.
Every time you close your mind,
You should be seeing me.
Every time you close your eyes (at night)
Every time you close your eyes
You should be seeing me.
As you lay in bed at night, I'll be there in your dreams.
So sorrows in, is that what you heard?
That you can cash in, on what we wrote,
Helpless isn't the right word but it's the first that comes
to mind,
There's worse things than being unknown,
I think in time I'll get by
That was the day I put your picture aside.
Swallowed the fact that our dream had died.
Every time you close your mind,
You should be seeing me.
Begin, present, fade out,
Judgment don't fail me now
You're to die for.
Life means more.
Out of sight.
With no light.

Brian read the words and thought maybe just maybe.



End of part three.

ASHES TO AUTUMN

Part four:  Alive Out Of Habit

As the days passed on Brian noticed the changes in Justin; somehow they attained a peculiar kind of friendship unspoken but there.  Justin no longer hid or flinched when Brian and the guys came to the diner. Brian knew that Justin and the fiddler had gone their separate ways and he even got to gloat.  But Brian felt concerned for Justin it seem that Justin was going through the motions of living. Both of them were too stubborn to say anything comforting to each other. Brian also continued to be plagued by Mikey's criticism of the boy.

One evening as it was becoming his ritual Brian listened to the CD.  He found another song and highlighted it. The next day at the diner their little dance continued.

Brian and the guys were sitting at their usual booth.  Brian was half listening to the conversation that seemed to drone on and on.  When he had all he could stomach he asked Justin for the check. As Brian handed it back to Justin the booklet was under the bills.  Justin took the money and pocketed the booklet. All of this went unnoticed except for Mikey. Michael shot daggers and Brian and at Justin and was about to spew forth at Brain.  But again the angry look on
Brian's face forced him into silence.  Brian went home in a huff.


Later that afternoon at Lindsey and Mel's house while baby sitting Gus Justin took out the booklet and searched for the newly marked song.  As he read the words he put on his headphones and listened while he read.

Alive Out Of Habit

In you I see further.
Can it last forever?
Identify your patients, XY configurations
Words are lost in your eyes.
One thought inside my heart.
Drop addicts in the mixture, falcons have blown the fixture.
Think of me as days pass us by.
Shards of glass
Skin of gold
Steal my breath
Blood runs cold
Violet waves
Oceans blue
All my love
Lost in you
In you I see further.
Can it last forever?
Sinkhole that we would frequent,
White heels safe from extinction
Words are lost in your eyes.
One thought inside my heart.
I said that I don't need you, but I'm a liar, I swear I do, I
do
Strip away
Vanity
I do
Just as you
Consume me
I do
Broken smile
Starless sky
I do
Save it all
Say goodbye
You're out in left field, and lacking interest
You fight the boredom but it makes no difference
Your mental health kid, that's what's in question
Keep acting obscure, we'll keep them guessing
The moment ideas are conceived,
They'll be out of touch, obsolete,
They're faking champions hand picked,
And all the fights have been fixed,
You wake to suffer through the day,
Trade a dream for the pay,
We'll here's the fact I hope it sticks,
You're just alive out of habit
Shards of glass
Skin of gold
Steal my breath
Blood runs cold
Violet waves
Oceans blue
All my love
Lost in you
Strip away
Part of me
Just as you consume me
Broken smile
Starless sky
End it all
Say goodbye.
Think of me as I say goodbye.
 
When the girls came home they noticed the subtle changes Justin's demeanor but said nothing.  They knew that Justin was tired of getting unsolicited advice. Mel drove him home to Daphne's.



End of part four.

ASHES TO AUTUMN

Part five: Every Reason To

Over the days that followed Justin finally retrieved all his belongings from Ethan's apartment.  Satisfied he had everything he left the key on the table and walked out.

Later that afternoon when Ethan arrived home he saw the remains of his brief life with Justin was gone.  As he slumped on the bed he noticed a crinkled bit of paper on the floor. As he bent to pick it up he recognized what it was.  Curious about all forms of music he smoothed out the booklet and flipped through it. He saw the highlighted passages.

Anger and disappointment flooded his mind.  He realized what it meant Justin and Kinney had finally found some way of communicating.  Ethan thought it sick. He and Justin could talk about everything like normal people. What Justin and Brian had was anything but normal.

Ethan came across an interesting piece and taking out his own green highlighter he marked the passage.  He would slip the booklet into Justin's student mailbox in the Art building the next day.

The following day Justin seemed to feel a little better he started to formulate a plan to get back to Brian.  After a productive day at school he checked his mailbox before heading home and found the lyric book. He didn't realize that he had lost it.  Looking around he wondered how anyone would know that it belonged to him.

Unconsciously he flipped through the pages as he walked out of the building.  Freezing on the steps he saw the green highlighter. Ethan. He recognized the green Justin had once teased Ethan about using green.  Ethan was proud that he was different from the mere mortals who used yellow or orange. Justin read the lyrics.

Every Reason To

I thought about the end today the final chapter
The last scene
Ending what is here and what is now and all there is to come.
No hope for tomorrow, for today.
Through all this talk, on how numb.
There's one just out of reach.  On how numb, and you bet it
shows,
you bet it shows
Shake downs like this get old,
So now I take my heart in hand
Bleach out the shades of detriment,
Branded with the names that I resent,
Worship on your knees again
Wear it upon my sleeve the end
Ending what is here and what is now and all there is to come.
No hope for tomorrow, for today
Through all this talk, on how numb.
There's one just out of reach.
On how numb, and you bet it shows, you bet it shows
Through all this talk, on how numb.
And you bet it shows, you bet it shows
Shake downs like this get old,
And you bet it shows, you bet it shows
In your eyes I can see tomorrow out of reach.
This detachment
In your eyes I can see tomorrow beyond me.

It was all over the Ethan phase was now officially closed.  Now
Justin could concentrate on his plans for Brian.



End of part five.  

ASHES TO AUTUMN

Part six:  All I Taste Today is, What's Her Name

Justin started his stalking showing up all over Liberty Ave. where he knew Brian would be.  One night Justin needed release his own nameless trick. Easily he picked up his own twink at Babylon and took him to the backroom.  As he was in the middle of fucking what's his name senseless Brian brushed passed him and took up a bit of wall across from him. Another nameless twink presented himself to Brian and got down on his knees.

As Justin and Brian watched each other neither spoke they tried to concentrate on what was happening.  Brian watched Justin's thick cock slip in and out of ass before him. Justin gazed at Brian's disappearing cock as it devoured by the man on his knees envious that the trick was doing what Justin craved.

When they were done and Brian moved to leave Justin quickly shoved the lyric book into Brian's hand.  Brian took it without looking into Justin's eyes and kept on walking. Brian left Babylon without saying  goodbye to the guys and raced home.

Dropping the lyrics on to the bed he quickly showered again Brian couldn't read the passages while smelling the unsatisfying sex on himself.  The smell of the trick's breath and spit on him made him feel sick Brian couldn't let it contaminate his connection to Justin.

After his shower he took out the other booklet to compare.  Practically the whole album was highlighted. In the copy Justin gave him that night he saw the green highlighted passage.  Brian broke out into a cold sweat the words weren't meant for him. He knew Justin used orange; who had dared to intrude. He read over the words then he got it.  Ethan. Brian's heart calmed. Ethan was really gone it was over; fiddle fuck had left the building.

As he turned the pages he came to the newly highlighted song.

All I Taste Today Is, What's Her Name

The tears suspend.
Smiles are not more than (empty love) locked doors can keep you alone
Forever paint words (from your lips) in a house that's no longer
your
home
Take the dreams I know (as my own) and it worsens weekends
Thanks again for my misery.
And you run with fake friends
I'm sick of your sad songs and sing alongs.
I kind of like it when things are wrong.
Straight from left end,
They'll shout correction,
And I'll decline, and I'll decline
A source of comfort or some protection
And I'll decline
Smiles are not more than (empty love) locked doors can keep you alone
Forever paint words (from your lips) in a house that's no longer
your
home
Take the dreams I know (as my own) and it worsens weekends
Thanks again for my misery.
And you run with fake friends
Straight from left end,
They'll shout corrections,
And I'll decline, and I'll decline
A source of comfort or some protection
And I'll decline
In your throat
You will see
Surface relocated therapy
All I taste of today
Is the shame (of) my whore prey
All I know are apologies
Do you feel the shame.

The words had a ring of truth.  If Brian kept himself locked up he knew he would loose everything his life, Justin and maybe even Gus.    He had to unlock his heart but he didn't know how. Brian was also growing weary of all the advice his so called friends were fond of doling out. As he reread the lyrics a word stuck out at him and he felt like he was slapped in the face.  "Whore" Brian wasn't sure how or to whom it applied. Brian was well aware of his reputation he was
called a stud but there was a fine line between stud and whore and he may have come close to crossing it.  Then he felt his chest tighten could Justin believe that he was the whore. Mikey referred to Justin often enough as a whore if not to Justin's face definitely when he wasn't around.  

Brian could not let his Sunshine go on thinking he was a whore.  Not even close. Brian could probably count on one hand the number of tricks Justin had, between the two of them he knew who was the whore.  Brian had no clue how to fix this and he was too tired to go on thinking.

As exhaustion took him Brian slept clutching the worn t-shirt that was gradually loosing Justin's scent.  He had to get Justin back in his arms before the scent on the shirt was completely gone.



End of part six.

ASHES TO AUTUMN



Part seven: I'm The Best At Ruining My Life aka The Kiss

BALLS!!!  Well the kid did it he weaseled his way into Vangard and got Brian's briefs in a twist.  Then the kiss oh god that kiss. So what did he do he fired Justin's ass. Shit Asshole He had Justin right there so close and he fucked up again, his fucking pride.

He licked his lips he could still taste Justin as his cock stiffened Brian moaned out loud then shouted, "Asshole".  How many more mistakes will he make?

Thinking quick on his feet and hoping Justin's balls got as big as he thought they did Brian thought he might still have a chance.  Brian quickly highlighted the song that represented his last chance with Justin.

As Justin was stepping into the elevator Brian caught up to him reaching for the strap on Justin's bag he pulled the boy to the elevator door and placed the abused booklet into Justin's hand and then pushed him back into the elevator.

Brian watched the doors close and prayed he still had a chance.

Justin could barely wait till he got outside most of the songs had been marked Justin couldn't think of anyone left but there it was on the last page.

I'm The Best At Ruining My Life

I've boarded up the windows to keep the morning from intrusion
I've left it on the doorknob, could you please just not disturb
On days like this we find it so hard to push ourselves up and out of
bed
When nothing falls in favor of
I have so many things I would like to explain to you
But I don't know just how to communicate
I can't take this body shaking
Dress and we'll begin
Nights can be so violent when beds become vacant
So now I've blown it once again, this would have been the last
offense and
You should have been here months ago with open arms and honest face
Address full doubt you've ever felt frustration well I'm
choking on
it now
And it's the hardest thing for me to shake
Is it because of this vacancy that you swear never to believe?
Honestly honest me, with a look that's so deceiving
I'll bite chew swallow and digest the hands that feed me
With a bayonet for a tongue,
Swallow swords inadvertently,
And to the organ flame I'll maintain a close adjacency
I have so many themes; I would love to explain to you
Farewell to all the days you were, within my reach, and as of right
now everything is making perfect sense

Still tasting Brian on his lips Justin knew he had a chance.  This time he wasn't going to blow it and he refused to allow Brian's pride to get in the way of either of them.

Justin would arrange a meeting.



End of part seven.

ASHES TO AUTUMN


The finale: The Fiction We Live

Justin arranged an appointment but he had to insure that Brian would show up.  He stood at Cynthia's desk making her promise to give the booklet to Brian as he watched her pencil in his name on Brian's calendar.  That done all Justin had to do was wait for the appointed time.

Later Brian confirmed his appointments with Cynthia.  He saw her hesitation and growled out, "what?" "Uh just this boss" Brian saw the booklet in her hand and snatched it out.  In a calmer voice, "when?" "Tonight" "Okay, see you tomorrow" "Goodnight boss" "I hope so Cynthia, I hope so"

Brian settled back down into his chair behind his desk and read the highlighted response monologue to an earlier song.

The Fiction We Live

You might be just what I need, no I would not change a thing
Been dreaming of this so long, but we only exist in this song
The thing is I'm not worth the sorrow
But if you come and meet me tomorrow
I will hold you down, fold you in, deep, deep, deep in the fiction we
live
I break in two over you, I break in two and if a piece of you dies
Autumn I will bring you back to life, of course I see you, I do

Brian waited for Justin to arrive.

As Justin approached Brian's office he felt his heart about to pound right out of his chest.

Justin crossed the threshold and regained control over his life and their love.


The end


Sabina
11/30/03