"Hi.  my name is Brian and I'm an alcoholic.  Well, if you want to get technical, I abused quite a number of drugs but alcohol is my drug of choice.   I've been drinking since I was 14 and I remember getting drunk for the first time when I was 15.  My old man drank every night; in fact, he would come home to eat dinner and then go to the union hall to hang with his friends.  We saw very little of him which was just fine with me.  Oh, and did I forget to mention that my mother is also a drunk.  She, of course, won't admit to it, as she uses Sherry to calm her nerves.  She must have been the poster child for nervousness since she always had a glass in her hand.  That is unless she was at church, praying for our salvation.  According to her, I needed saving since homosexuals were going to hell.  But that is a story for another day.  I'm here tonight because I realize I need help.  I had just dropped off my son at his mother's home.  Yeah, I'm queer but I helped out a Lesbian friend who wanted a kid.  I still got the jizz, just didn't plan on having the white picket fence and 2.4 kids.  Again a story for another time.  Anyway, I had my son for the day and dropped him off.  His mothers were on my case, as usual, about the "bad influence I was on him since I tricked a lot and didn't want to settle down".  I was tired of their ranting and went to the bar to utilize my favorite form of pain management, a few drinks.  After drinking for several hours, I got in the car to drive home.  Of course, most of you know the drill and can figure out where this story is going.  But for those of you who need the details.... I was drunk and should not have been driving.  I wrapped my car around a tree, but lucky for me, I didn't hurt anybody, but realized I could have.  If I hurt someone or myself, what would happen to my kid?  So here I am.  I've been sober for 1 week."

"Thanks for sharing Brian. Anyone else wants to share?"  A middle age man with slight greying at the temples said.  "I'm Tom, by the way."  He shook Brian's hand and turned back to the podium to hear the next speaker.

A younger man with beautiful blue eyes and blond hair stood up, walking to the front of the room and stopped when he got to the podium.  "I'm Justin.  I've been sober for one year today.  Every day has been a struggle but with the help of my sponsor and this group, I'm happy to show off my 1-year chip."

Everyone in the audience clapped and Justin flashed a smile that lit up his face. Justin returned to his seat as another person went up to the podium.  Each person shared with the group.  There were a few, like Brian who had been sober for less than a month, but many more were celebrating their sobriety in terms of months or years. 

When Brian first walked into the meeting, he had to fight the urge to turn around and leave.  Taking a deep breath, he remembered why he was here.  He wanted to be around for Gus.  He wanted his son to be proud of his father, not cringe every time his name was spoken.   "Pity made his dick soft."  and he knew that if there was even a slight show of pity for his situation, he would leave.  Checking into a treatment center would let Gus' moms know he had a problem and that might jeopardize his ability to be with his son.  He couldn't let that happen.  He had to succeed at this; therefore he would do it.   However, he realized that these stories were not about pity, but about triumph. They were celebrating success; they were celebrating overcoming adversity and he decided that maybe this wasn't such a bad idea after all. 

His friend, Ted had urged him to attend a program.  He'd had a fling with Crystal and it had almost cost him his life.  Ted had been clean for 5 years.  Brian did not want to attend the group where Ted went, preferring to keep his life private.  Few knew about Brian's private life and he wanted to keep that part of him away from Ted.  Ted was one of his closest friends and he trusted him, but there were some parts of Brian that no one was privy to.

"Everyone thanks for coming.  We have coffee, tea, and cookies in the back.  Stay as long as you want, but remember the hall has bingo in an hour and they might wrangle you into work if you stick around," Tom said as he pointed to the back of the room.  Everyone laughed at his statement and the majority of the participants headed for the back of the room.

Brian's first urge was to head straight out to the street, but then reality set in.  He would normally go to Woody's or Babylon, have a few beers, maybe pick up a tab of Ecstasy or some Special K and then fuck his way through the night.  He wasn't ready to tackle that temptation yet.  He figured the "gang" would question his absence but not too much.  He occasionally had work commitments that kept him away on from Woody's and Babylon.  The real challenge would come when they hadn't seen him cross the threshold for several weeks.  He headed back to the refreshment table where he located the coffee.

The gorgeous blond was standing by the coffee urn and chatting with another participant but was blocking the pot.  Brian waited for a break in the conversation and eventually just said, "Excuse me.  I'd like some coffee."

Both men looked at him and apologized.

Justin said, "You're Brian right?"

"Yeah," Brian wasn't in the mood for small talk, but he answered.

"The coffee here is not that great. Want to grab a cup at the diner down the street."

Brian wasn't sure what to make of the invitation.  He wasn't one to grab "a coffee".  He saw something he liked and went after it, rarely having to do more than look at the trick to get his cock sucked.  But this wasn't Babylon and he wasn't likely to be going there tonight.  Besides, he had to find something to do with his evening as he had just admitted to himself that he couldn't exactly go to his normal haunts.

"Ok.  Lead the way."

Justin made his way toward the exit greeting several people by name on the way out.  He waited for Brian to get to the front of the building and pointed to the street up ahead.

"The Butterwood Bake Consortium is pretty good.  They're open till 11:00 and their coffee is local.  Plus you can sit there for a long time and no one will give you the evil eye.  It's mostly a dessert place, and I have a secret sweet tooth.  It's just a short walk.  Do you want to walk or would you rather take your car?  The parking is okay.  It's a nice night tonight so I thought we could walk, but whatever you want."

Brian cringed as he listened to the young man.  He was talking a mile a minute and giving him way too much information.  He just wanted a damn cup of coffee.  He could choose to walk away but the prospect of a Saturday night by himself in his loft was too much to contemplate. 

"We can walk."

"Great.  My name is Justin, by the way."

"Okay."

They walked in silence and soon came to the bakery.  Justin opened the door and a familiar jingle rattled the door as he walked in.  Brian looked around, wanting to ensure no one here knew him.  He had chosen to attend a group far away from Liberty avenue but the jangle of the bell brought him right back to the Liberty Diner.  He half expected Debbie to greet him with her familiar "Brian" as he walked into the establishment.  Thankfully, no one looked familiar and he followed Justin to a small table in the back. 

Justin said, "You want some coffee or dessert? Here's the menu. The waitress will be here in a few minutes.

Brian looked at Justin, taking the menu and carefully opening it.  He needed something to do and this was at least a task he was familiar with.  Talking to someone in a small dessert cafe was so foreign to Brian he questioned his sanity for the 3rd time this evening.  Whatever possessed him to follow this stranger to this place.  He wasn't going to eat dessert and he imagined this guy was expecting conversation, like a date.  Brian Kinney did not do dates.  He did not do casual conversation and he most certainly did not do dessert cafes.  But he was here and he did not want to go home.  He calculated in his head that he could manage 30 minutes and then reasonably excuse himself to return to his loft.   Once there, he'd just think about how crappy his life was at this moment in time. 

The waitress came and took their orders, bringing them some water to drink while their food and coffee was prepared. 

Justin watched Brian, the familiar eyes darting around the restaurant in search of someone he knew finding him there.  He saw the fidgeting with the sugar and sweetener packets and repeated fingers to the bridge of Brian's nose, trying to push a headache or some other thing away from his head. 

"So you wrapped your car around a tree.  That sucks.  You have a new car yet?"  Justin asked, trying to get Brian to talk.

"Huh. What?  How did you..."

"I was at the meeting.  Remember.  You said you wrapped your car.."

"Oh, right.  The insurance company is still deciding how much they're going to pay me for it.  It was a Jeep.  Right now, I'm driving around in a Toyota Camry." Brian made a face of disgust.

Justin laughed.

"The jeep suits you better," Justin said, drinking a sip of his water.

"How the hell would you know what suits me?  You just met me.  I don't think this is a good idea."  Brian stood up to leave, but Justin reached out his hand to pull him back down to the table.

"Look. I was where you were a year ago.  One of the tenets of AA is that you get a sponsor, someone you can call when you need help.  You looked pretty lost in the meeting and I'm guessing you don't want to go home and you can't go to your usual places on Saturday night.  I thought I'd offer my services as a sponsor."

"What the fuck is a sponsor and why would you help me?"  Brian stood turning toward Justin but not sitting down.

"AA is a self-help group.  Hopefully, you picked up some of the literature on the back table, but if not we can talk about it.  There are no rules per se.  People volunteer to lead the group but its all voluntary.  One of its most basic foundations is that we all benefit from support and that it's helpful to have one person who can support you as you work through your sobriety.  A sponsor is someone you can call any time when you need to talk or are fearful of slipping and using again.  Even if you do slip, the sponsor is there to help you."

"Sounds like a fucking Public Service Announcement."

Justin did not bristle at Brian's words, deciding they were a defense mechanism for his fear of the unknown.  Instead, he said, "I can be your sponsor.  I've been clean for a year and I think I can help you."

The waitress brought their coffee and Justin's mocha cheesecake.  He took a small bite of the cheesecake and made an obscene groan of pleasure which made Brian's dick twitch. 

He thought maybe he could get a fuck out of this guy.  He wasn't sure about the sponsor shit, but with a mouth like this guy had and that bubble butt, he was certain it was a better way to spend his evening than talking about sponsors and sobriety.  He smiled at Justin and Justin saw the predatory look on Brian's face.

"We're not supposed to start any relationships for a year after we are sober.  We need to concentrate our minds and lives on working the program," Justin said.

"I didn't say that I wanted a relationship.  I'm just interested in fucking. I don't believe in love; I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure and minimum of bullshit."

Justin winced at Brian's words and a small frown showed around his mouth.  "We're not sleeping together.  If you followed me to the coffee shop for a quick foray to the men's room, I'm not interested.  Look, Brian, sobriety is hard.  I know.  I was where you were a year ago.  I'm offering to help you.  Do you want my help?"  Justin said.  He tried to be as forceful as possible but didn't want to turn Brian against the program.  He'd been reluctant to take a sponsor, thought he could do it on his own, but after a few weeks, he realized that his sponsor was a key to his success. "

"I know you are thinking that this guy is just blowing smoke, but why don't you think about it.  I go to meetings every day.  I'll be at the meeting tomorrow at the ARC Manner at 2:00.  I hope to see you there."  Justin stood up and offered his hand to Brian and Brian shook it.  Justin threw some money on the table for his part of the bill and walked out the door.

Brian looked around the small bakery to see if anyone was watching him.  He'd never had anyone walk out on him.  Of course, he'd never gone for dessert and coffee either, so maybe it really didn't count.  Who the fuck did this Justin guy think he was?  Offering his sponsorship, like he was a fucking charity case.  Reminded him of the advertisement in his mother's church crap about starving children in Ethiopia or wherever asking for sponsorship of the child.  For $20.00 a month, you could adopt this child and give him food, clothing, and education.  Well, Brian Kinney did not need any help to remain sober.  He would show them.

Brian stood up, took out his wallet and put money down on the table.  He walked out of the bakery and down to his car.  He really wanted a drink but decided to go home instead.  Brian Kinney was not going to fail at this; Brian Kinney never failed at anything he set out to do.  And this was definitely not going to be his first failure. 

TBC

Brian walked back to his car, looking down the street hoping he wouldn't see any familiar faces. On any given day he didn't care what people thought about him but, today he wanted to remain anonymous.  He didn't want to explain why he was in this part of town on a Saturday night instead of at Babylon or at some work function. The moment he wrapped his car around a fucking tree, realizing he could have hurt Gus had the accident happened when he was with Brian, changed him. Brian Kinney did not apologize, but maybe this time, he should evaluate his policy.

He got in his car and looked at the clock.  It was only 8:00 pm. and he had an entire Saturday night ahead of him.  Even he did not work on Saturday night, so going to the office was really out of the question.  He couldn't go to Mel and Linds' home; they would know something was up when he showed up there instead of at Babylon.  He could just hear Mel's rant about why he wasn't getting his dick sucked by the man of the hour. Linds would be worried that something was wrong and coddle him until he told her.  

Since he wasn't ready to hit Babylon or Woodys and he couldn't go to the munchers, that left Michael's, Ted's or Debbie's place.  He couldn't go to Michael or Debbie's as they'd be just as likely to question his absence at Babylon. He knew Michael would whine until he gave in and went dancing with him at Babylon. Michael would give him some stupid speech about how he was Brian fucking Kinney and the stud of Liberty Avenue and that he should be at Babylon showing off.  He already knew he would hear about his absence tomorrow. Saturday night at Babylon was about as cliche as they got and all of them went there.

His only choice was Ted's home and he wasn't sure that was a good idea.  In the end, he decided that maybe he should go there. Ted was the only one who really knew the truth about the car and his interest in AA.  He parked his car in Ted's driveway and knocked on the door. To say that Ted was surprised to see him was an understatement, but Ted waved him in and motioned for him to sit on the sofa.  Ted had a CD of Madame Butterfly playing, but turned it off when Brian sat down.

"Brian, everything okay?  You didn't wrap your car around another tree?" he said, slightly in jest, but also of concern.   

Ted got up and went to the kitchen, grabbing two bottles of water and handing Brian one.  Ted was the only one who knew he had wrecked his car while he was drunk. While he couldn't hide a new car from all his friends, Ted was his accountant and also a close friend.  Ted was the one who encouraged him to get sober, and he trusted him implicitly.

"No trees have been injured by me tonight.  I went to an AA meeting instead," Brian said as if he was announcing he bought a coffee at the Starbucks.  He twirled the bottle in his hand but didn't open it.

Ted nodded his head in acknowledgment. On the one hand he wanted to congratulate Brian for the first step, but on the other hand, he knew how tenuous Brian's situation was.  He remembered the first time he admitted to having a problem with drugs and those first steps were emblazoned in his mind. He'd woken up in a doctor's house feeling sore and bruised.  When he made his way to join the people in the house they were watching a video of some guy having sex with a lot of people. He seemed to be really high and out of it. As he watched, he realized it was him, he was the guy having sex with all those men. He raced out of the house, got sick on the lawn and made his way home.  He was terrified that he had ruined his life by contracting HIV, but he was lucky. All he had to show for his night of debauchery was some bruised muscles and a huge sense of remorse. He also realized that he was down the rabbit hole and needed to fix his life. He checked into rehab and the rest was history.

He'd been clean for 5 years and had eventually hooked up with his husband, Blake.  Blake had been a counselor at the center and they started a relationship a few months after he'd been released.  Blake realized that this was not a good idea and had broken it off. He stressed to Ted that people in recovery needed to wait at least a year to make major changes in their lives.  They needed to work the program and get a good handle on their sobriety before tackling relationship issues. Too many big changes in your life would ultimately sabotage your sobriety.  Blake had been right and when they did meet again, Ted had his first-year chip and Kinnetik was prospering.

"How was it?"  Ted took a drink from his bottle of water and then screwed the cap back on.  He was glad this gave him a slight diversion.

"Okay."  Brian didn't want to share that he got up and talked, even now that was a surprise to him.  While he was comfortable talking to strangers, making pitches for campaigns, and entertaining them was a part of the job, he did not often share personal information.  Brian was a very private person and the fact that he shared so much, especially with strangers was still surprising. After listening to two other participants tell their story, he decided that he needed to do it as well. Brian Kinney never did anything halfway and if he was going to do this sobriety thing, he needed to do it right.

"Nowhere to go, tonight?" Ted asked, realizing why Brian was here.

"You go to Babylon and to Woody's and I know you don't drink anymore.  How do you not want a drink?" Brian asked, the question burning in his brain since he left the AA meeting.

"It took a long time, Brian."  Ted put the water bottle on the table and reached out for Brian's hand, thinking to offer a squeeze in support, but thought better of the idea and placed his hands in his lap.

"What the hell did you do at night?  I've always gone to Babylon and Woody's to have a few drinks and have my cock sucked.  It's what I do at night. I've been going to the bars since I was 17 and I'm 31." Brian finally unscrewed the cap on the bottle of water, took a drink and then placed the cap back on.

"I go to work and then I go to the gym.  Sometimes Blake fixes dinner, sometimes I do, or we do it together.  We talk about our day and clean the house. Then we watch a little tv, maybe play a game and then go to bed."  

"That is boring as fuck."

"Going to the bar and getting drunk or high is exciting?" Ted asked.

"Sure," Brian said.

Ted heard the hesitancy in his voice and decided to push.  After all, Brian had shown up here and he obviously wanted something.

"How is it exciting, Brian?  You mostly go there to pick up guys. You can get your dick sucked anywhere.  You can go to the baths, go to the gym, hell I've even seen you heist a waiter or two in a classy restaurant.  Explain to me what exactly is exciting about getting high or drunk since the major activity there seems to be to get off."

Ted watched his friend.  He was obviously struggling to listen but he could see the restraint it was taking not to stand up and storm out of Ted's house.  Brian wanted someone to fix this problem. He was used to having everything that went wrong be remedied by throwing money at it. Unfortunately, this was not something that money could fix.  It would take time and hard work. While Brian Kinney was used to hard work, he had tangible results to show for it. Sobriety was anything but tangible. A sober person could not show winning ads, a huge bonus or an award for sobriety.  The closest thing to an award were the chips that people earned for each milestone of sobriety. Brian wasn't likely to go around waving those banners of success, especially when he didn't want his friends to know about this demon in his closet.

Brian stared at his friend, surprised at his bluntness and his willingness to question him. "I like the conquest.  You know, seeing all the men lined up in one place and I get to choose which one to fuck."

"So really it's about fucking, not about drinking or drugs?"

"The drinks and drugs are part of the whole process."

"So how is it different when you pick up a guy at the gym or at a restaurant.  I know you're not drinking at the gym. I've seen you work out."

"Well, yeah,"  Brian said, listening to Ted and realizing that maybe he had a point.  "But I'm there to keep fit. When guys see my body, they want it. So the gym is just another pickup opportunity."

Ted thought a bit before answering.  He knew Brian did other things besides pick up guys, but he had to think about what he knew about his friend.  "You like the conquest. That's why you love Kinnetik. It's about winning over the client."

"Sure. That sounds right."

"Brian, your whole life isn't about conquest. You do other things. When you're with Gus you don't pick up guys."

"Of course not.  He's a child and Linds would never let me see him if she thought I was tricking when he was with me,"  Brian said, answering the question as if it were ridiculous.

"What about Sunday dinner at Deb's?  Do you think about leaving to get your needs met?

"No.  Debbie already gives me enough grief when I don't show up due to work.  If she thought I was blowing her off to have sex, she'd have my head, and not in a life-affirming way.  

"So you do have times in your day where you're not thinking about conquest?

"Sure."

"Okay.  So you figure out what you like to do that doesn't involve conquest," Ted said as if he provided the magic bullet to Brian's sobriety.

"I'll lose my business and my sex life will be non-existent. I don't think your solution is going to work."

"Brian, I didn't mean it like that.  Let me try again. You need to find things that you like to do while you work on this. Maybe you need to find a hobby.    I'm not suggesting you give up sex, that would be like asking you to stop breathing. But right now you need to learn to separate sex from drinking and drugs.  Blake and I have sex on a regular basis and we do not need to be drunk or high to do it."

"Stop, I do not want to know about your sex life," Brian said and he scrunched his mouth.  "So you're suggesting I find a bunch of boring things to fill my time."

"No, Brian.  Obviously, you aren't going to come home and cook dinner and watch a movie on a regular basis.  But one of the first steps to sobriety is getting away from the people or activities that you connect with using."

"I'm not sure about any of this.  I think it was easier to just drink, do drugs and have sex every night,  This sounds like bullshit," Brian said, beginning to question why he thought coming here was a good idea.

"Brian, have you eaten dinner?  Blake will be home from work in about 30 minutes. Why don't you join us?" Ted asked, understanding that he couldn't push Brian too much at this stage.  Brian needed something to do tonight or the tenuous hold he had on sobriety would be gone before he really had a chance to figure it out.

Brian recognized what Ted was doing and he appreciated the offer. He had come here because he needed help and since Brian Kinney never asked for help, he was glad that his friend recognized his need. Before he could stop himself he said, "Okay.  I'll stay for dinner but...."

"Brian, this is just an offer between two friends.  I imagine you haven't told anyone else about your car or the meeting tonight?" Ted asked as he moved toward the kitchen.

"No.  Michael would most likely try to talk me out of it.  He thinks I am perfect and that my life is without problems.  Obviously, I won't tell Linds and Debbie would be all over me asking if I was hurt and feeding me trays of lasagna."

"I'm glad you came here.  Now, why don't you help me set the table and finish prepping dinner?"  Ted said as turned the light on inside the oven to check on the roast.

Ted directed Brian to where the plates, silverware, and glasses were kept while he cooked some vegetables and sliced the meat.  As they were completing the preparations, Blake came home.

After placing his keys in the basket by the door and hanging up his messenger bag, he inhaled the delicious aroma of the roast.  Glancing at the table, he saw it was set for three and was surprised to see Brian in the kitchen with his husband. He walked into the kitchen and gave Ted a kiss on the lips as a welcome home gesture.  Ted returned the kiss, but they did not linger, mindful of their guest.

"Brian, is everything okay with Kinnetik?"

"Kinnetik is fine.  I came to see Ted as a friend,"  Brian said, realizing that at this point in time, Ted was his preferred friend and that he really didn't want Michael involved.

"Oh," Blake said, taken by surprise.

Brian needed to make a quick decision and he knew at that moment that he wanted Ted's help on this journey.  He also knew that he didn't want to hurt Ted or his relationship with Blake. "I wrapped my car around a tree a week ago.  I shouldn't have been driving since I was very drunk. Ted is the only one who knows this information. Well, I guess you do now as well.  I went to an AA meeting tonight. I knew I couldn't go to Babylon or Woody's so I ended up here." Brian didn't really like sharing any of his personal life, but he knew Blake would keep his secrets.

Blake listened, surprised at Brian's confession.  Brian knew that Blake was a substance abuse counselor and that Ted had an affair with Crystal in the past.  He understood what it was like to start sobriety and he was pleased that Brian was taking those first steps.

"Can I help?  I am a licensed substance abuse counselor."

"No.  I don't think that is a good idea.  I need anonymity and I know you wouldn't tell anyone in the family, but I don't want to put you in that position.  Besides, isn't it against some doctor oath not to treat your family?" Brian said the last sentence with a hint of sarcasm.

"I'm glad you feel that way.  I really don't want to be a part of your sobriety team, for just that reason.  But, feel free to call or come by whenever you need. We'll keep your secret."

"I'll be fine.  I don't need any help," Brian said.

"Let's eat, I'm starving," Ted said, trying to move the conversation to more neutral areas.  

The three men ate dinner and did not mention Brian's sobriety the entire meal.  After dinner, they cleared the table and put away the leftovers.

"Brian, we were going to watch the performance of Pavarotti on PBS. Would you like to join us?" Ted said.

"No, I'd rather not watch my ears bleed.  I'll just head home. See you on Monday. Thanks for the meal."  Brian got up and went to the door. Ted followed him.

"Bri, be careful and stay safe.  Call if you need anything."

"Good night, Theodore," Brian said and left their home.

TBC

Brian got in his car and looked at the clock on the dashboard.  It was after 10:00, too late to show up at the Munchers but too fucking early to call it a night.  He knew he couldn't go to Woody's or Babylon.  It was too soon to tempt his body, but he desperately wanted a tight ass or a warm mouth.  He didn't relish the idea of picking up a waiter since that would involve going through the motions of ordering and hoping that a decent man would be serving him.  Brian Kinney knew his options were limited and returned to his loft.

After changing his clothes and getting into a pair of old jeans and a wife beater, he turned on his computer and logged into his favorite hookup site, Easysex.com.  He perused the offerings and finally found one that looked acceptable.  This guy's profile stated he only wanted casual sex, not looking for a relationship and his picture was okay.  Brian wished he had shot a pic of his butt and cock, but he guessed that would be too much like porn and the players would shut the site down.  Brian clicked on the profile and waited.

Within five minutes he got a response and he gave the guy his address.  Brian briefly chastised himself that he was resorting to a hookup site to get his cock sucked when normally guys would be clamoring to hook up with him.  Desperate times called for desperate measures and he decided these were desperate times.  If he didn't get his cock sucked soon, he'd go crazy.

He continued to look at the site, enjoying the eye candy and waited impatiently for the trick to buzz so he could let him in.  It took the man 15 minutes to get there and Brian wondered just what the delay was, especially since the idea of the web site was to find people who were really close by.  No matter, when the buzzer rang, he buzzed the man up and stood at the door waiting for the old elevator to bring his trick up.

The lanky brunette man got off the elevator and Brian eyed him with the look of a starving animal who hadn't eaten in days.  Brian practically pulled him into the loft, barely giving him time to get off the elevator.  Brian didn't believe in foreplay, wanting to get off as soon as he could.  Brian pulled his pants down and leaned against the chair from the dining room table.  The trick got down on his knees and opened his mouth to take Brian and his 9 ½ inch cock inside.  Brian was large and he was unable to blow the entire length.  He sucked on the head, twirling his tongue around the crown.  He licked the underside and played with his balls.  He kept his teeth covered and Brian soon felt the familiar tightening of his balls and came, shooting his jizz down the man's throat.  The guy turned, stood up, trying to kiss Brian but he said, "I don't kiss.  I fuck. Get in with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit."

The man started to pull down his pants to have his turn, but Brian smirked at him.  "What do you think you're doing?"

"My turn."

"I don't think so.  The bed's in there if you want to go another round."

The lanky man shrugged his shoulders and made his way toward the bed, stripping his clothes off as he went.  He knew he was in the home of Brian "fucking" Kinney and had always wanted to experience the acclaimed fuck.  He knew that usually, Brian trolled the avenue, but tonight he was in his apartment.  The man wasn't going to say no to a session with the legend.

Brian stripped as he made his way to the bedroom.  The lanky man turned on his stomach, spreading his legs, giving Brian access to his hole.  He would have loved to feel Brian's tongue down his back and on his hole, but from what he'd just experienced, he doubted that would happen.  Brian Kinney did not give in to anyone.  Brian grabbed the lube from his nightstand, after all, he had to have supplies at easy reach wherever he was in his home.  He lubed his fingers and plunged them into the trick's ass.  He started with two and watched in disinterest as the man started to squirm from the increased pressure and pleasure.  Taking his fingers away, he wiped them on the bed sheets and sheathed his cock before pushing into the tight ring of muscle. He grabbed the man's hips and used the leverage to pull his willing body to him with each thrust.  The brunette was breathing heavy, his heart racing with the increased activity.  Brian was enjoying the ride; the man had a very tight ass and his cock was held in a glorious vice. The man pushed back into Brian as well and soon they were both moving toward the finish line.  Brian ejaculated into the condom and the trick ejaculated on his fingers that were milking his cock.  Brian pulled away, holding the condom as he removed himself.  Tying the condom off, he threw it toward the trash at the side of the bed and then lay on his back to catch his breath.

"That was excellent," the trick said.  "I can see why they call you the "Stud of Liberty Avenue". Want to go again?"

Brian was game, he had nothing else to do this evening.  "Sure."  So Brian and the trick du jour had sex two more times in the next hour and a half. 

Brian looked at his bed after the fourth round of sex in three hours and it was a tangle of sheets and bedclothes.  It also reeked of sex.  While Brian loved sex, he disliked the smell of old cum.  He was finally worn out enough to sleep and didn't want the man there.  "Time for you to go," he said, dismissing him like a child in Victorian England who had been brought out for the guests to admire and then sent back to the nursery with the nanny.

"Can't I sleep here?"

"No.  I don't do sleepovers.  I'm not 14.  Grab your clothes and get out," Brian said, already losing patience with the trick.  He'd served his purpose and now needed to leave.

"Okay.  Okay. But if you ever want to hook up again, I'm game."

"Out," Brian said, exasperated with the trick.  "Now!"

The man grabbed his clothes, quickly putting them on and opened the door.  Brian got out of bed, closed the sliding door, locked it and set the alarm.  Sniffing himself, he decided a shower was in order after he stripped the sheets. He changed the sheets, throwing them in the wash and then moved to the bathroom to clean himself. 

It was almost 1:00 am, a little early to go to bed on a Saturday night, but he didn't have the desire to try and find something to occupy his mind.  At least he had fucked a few times. 

Sunday morning came and Brian went to the gym as usual.  After the gym, he usually went to the diner for breakfast with "the boyz" and decided that he could safely navigate that meal.  It was a tradition that the men would meet without their significant others.  It was an opportunity to hang out together and bond.  He occasionally didn't show up on a Saturday night to Babylon due to some work function, but missing Sunday brunch was highly unusual.

Ted was sitting with Michael and Emmett at their booth in the back of the diner when Brian arrived. 

"Brian, missed you last night, guess you had some big Kinnetik function to attend?" Michael asked. 

"Michael, I had things to do."

"You coming to Babylon tonight.  It's Duds and Studs, one of your favorites."

"It's early in the day, Michael.  I don't plan every minute of every day.  I like to be spontaneous.  Now, I've just worked out for an hour and a half and I'm ready for some food," Brian said, the shortness in his reply evident even to Michael.

"Okay."  Michael waved to Debbie and she came over to their table. 

"What'll it be?"  She asked with her pen poised above her tablet.

"Egg white omelet with wheat toast, dry," Brian said.

"I'll have the pancakes,' Michael said.

"I'll have the breakfast special," Emmett said.

"Me, too," Ted said.

The men talked and chatted about their lives.  Michael talked about the latest Comic-Con that he planned on attending in two weeks. Emmett shared the latest gossip about his most recent bridezilla.  Ted talked about the Opera that he and Blake were going to see in New York in two weeks.  Brian listened and did not volunteer anything.  He didn't want to share about the big changes in his life and luckily for him, his friends were so involved in their conversation that they did not notice that he was not talking.  Truth be told, Brian often did not talk about his life, preferring to listen and stay on the fringes of the conversation.  He was a private person as a result of his difficult childhood, and he sometimes wondered how he even had a group of friends that made up his family. 

They ate their food and it was close to noon when they vacated the diner, stating they would see each other at Debbie's later that afternoon.  Brian went back to his loft and worked for an hour or so, but then felt the need to get out.  He was restless and he didn't know what he wanted to do.  While he could go to see Gus, he knew showing up in the middle of a Sunday afternoon would spark alarm bells in the muncher's mind since he was planning on seeing Gus at Deb's family dinner.  He grabbed his keys, wallet and cell phone and put on his jacket.  There was a piece of paper in the pocket and it had the address of the AA meeting that blond he met last night had given him.  He hadn't planned on attending a meeting again, but the thought of the blond made him change his mind. 

He drove to the address and found the meeting with little difficulty.  Sitting in the back, he listened to the speakers and tried to pay attention.  Mostly he was looking for that nice piece of blond ass. As he was looking around the room, he felt someone sit down next to him.

"You get more out of the meeting if you're paying attention to the speaker instead of people watching," Justin said as he smiled at Brian.

Brian looked at him and smiled back.  "I was listening," Brian said, not wanting to admit he had been looking for Justin. 

Now that Brian had found Justin or maybe the other way around, he turned into the meeting.  At the time, a woman was talking about her use of alcohol to escape her abusive father.  Other members of the group talked about how they started using alcohol and Brian found himself listening to their stories and nodding his head in agreement with many of their situations.  Justin watched him, trying to learn a little about him.  He'd always like to watch people and found he learned a lot about them just by watching.  He'd learned that actions spoke much louder than words, especially in maintaining sobriety.  Unfortunately, he'd seen too many instances where a person spoke about their desire for sobriety but still continued to drink.  He knew that was not a good option if you wanted to work the program.  Abstinence was the key to success. 

The leader, Bob, said, "Thanks everyone for sharing.  Sobriety is a journey, and no one is alone on this journey.  Coffee is in the back.  A sheet with a  list of meetings is also there if anyone needs to know where to get support before our next meeting." 

The crowd stood up and most of them walked back to the table where the coffee and brochures were located.  Brian hadn't decided if he was going to head back to the table, but his decision was influenced when Justin said, "The coffee is better here."

He watched Justin move toward the back and he followed.  When the line thinned by the coffee pot, he grabbed a styrofoam cup and filled it with coffee, grabbed several packets of sugar and emptied those into the cup as well.  Grabbing a coffee stirrer, he mixed the ingredients together and blew on the hot liquid.  He nodded his head in agreement with Justin's earlier statement.

"Not bad. Definitely better than yesterday," Brian said, wondering when his conversational topic of choice was to discuss the merits of coffee.  He had sunken really low.  Watching Justin take a sip of his coffee and walk toward a small group of people, Brian didn't want to see him leave.  "Do you have a rating for all the coffee at AA meetings?" Brian asked, realizing the question sounded as silly as he felt.  Usually, his pickup lines consisted of do you want to fuck?  This banal talk of coffee and meetings was challenging.

Justin smiled at Brian's attempt at conversation but wanted to continue talking to the tall, mysterious man.  "I guess.  I love coffee and I am familiar with the coffee in lots of places, not just AA meetings."

"I see.  And who has the best coffee?  I know you steered me to that diner yesterday, but that was because it was late and not many places were open in that part of town."  Brian couldn't believe the words coming out of his mouth.  If he didn't know better, he was almost flirting with this man.  Brian Kinney did not flirt.  He wondered if sobriety would change everything about his life. 

Justin put his hand out and placed it on Brian's arm, steering him toward a less busy section of the area.  When they were away from the crowd, Justin said, "I'd say the best place has to be Espresso A Mano.  They have a variety of coffees and the expresso is of course, delicious.  Then there is Big Dog Coffee. There is a whole menu there, soups, breakfast and of course coffee.  I'd say third place is Commonplace Coffee Company.  They have a gazillion lattes and they are always making new flavors.  They don't have as many choices for food, but the expresso options make up for it,"

"I sense a theme here.  You like espressos and Lattes. So, what is your favorite brew?"

"I'm not sure.  It really depends on my mood.  Sometimes I want flavors like pumpkin spice and other times I just want an espresso. It reminds me of Europe, and I like that."

"So, you've been to Europe?" Brian asked.  He eyed the young man, thinking that there must be more to him than meets the eye if he had actually been to Europe.

"Yes," Justin didn't want to elaborate.  The whole point of AA was anonymity.  As an artist, he was well known in certain circles, but he'd chosen to attend meetings where he hoped he would have less chance of being recognized.  He'd been on several tours of Europe, but that had been several years ago before his drinking had overtaken his life.

Justin looked around and noticed that the crowd had thinned out and there were only a few people remaining from the meeting.  He enjoyed this man's company, a scary thought as he knew that it was an avenue that he shouldn't pursue.  He wanted to get to know him better and maybe being his sponsor could afford him that opportunity.  He knew that he didn't have to develop a relationship with him in order to help him.  "If you're not busy, we could go try some of that coffee that you've been grilling me about."

Brian looked at his watch and shook his head.  "Can't, I've got somewhere to be at 5:00.  What about tomorrow?  Do you go to any meetings on Mondays?"

Every brain cell in Justin's mind screamed at him that he was going down a very slippery slope, but he ignored them all.  Here was a man who appeared intelligent and interesting, something he sorely missed and he was going to go with his gut, rules be damned.  "Yeah.  I still try to hit a meeting every day.  I usually go to the noon meeting at the Second Chance Community Church."

"I can't do noon, has to be something after work hours," Brian said, mentally reviewing his calendar for the next day.  He knew if he saw Justin again, he would want to push the young man to have coffee and preferably more, so he needed time and the middle of the workday was not going to do it.

"There's an 8:00 meeting at the Unity United Presbyterian Church.  I've gone to that one," Justin suggested.

"8:00 should work just fine.  See you then."  Brian threw away his empty coffee cup and Justin did the same.  They walked out of the building, each man going in a different direction, but both thinking about the other one.

TBC

Brian went back to his Loft and worked for an hour or so before it was time to leave for Debbie's.  He had a hard time concentrating as thoughts of Justin swirled through his head.  He was already looking forward to the meeting tomorrow night.  If sobriety were as easy as meeting up with Justin, he could do this without any difficulties.

When Brian arrived at Debbie's he was greeted by Michael. 

"I'll get you a beer.  Ma's got some cold," Michael offered. 

Brian felt a cold chill run down his back.  It was a week ago today that he'd wrapped his car around the tree.  He was surprised that Mikey hadn't noticed the new ride, but luckily Mikey was often oblivious to small changes.  A cold beer sounded wonderful, but he saw Ted and Blake sitting on the sofa. While he knew they wouldn't say a word, their looks would be sufficient as to the choices he made. 

"I'm good Mikey," Brian said as he steered toward Gus.  "Hey, Sonny Boy.  What are you building?" Brian asked as he sat down next to the little boy playing on Debbie's floor.

"Momma bought me some new cars and a garage to put them in.  Play with me daddy," Gus said as he made noises with the car as he pushed it along the floor.

Brian was glad for the distraction and picked up a car, pushing it along the floor as well.  Michael left Brian playing with Gus as he had no interest in this activity.  He was still surprised at how much time Brian spent with the little boy considering he originally had no interest in children.  They played together until it was time to eat. 

As they sat around the table, many of the people had a glass of wine or a beer in front of their plate, but Brian continued to refuse the offers of liquor.  Ted and Blake nodded their heads imperceptibly in acknowledgment of Brian's choices.  The family didn't notice this silent communication, but Brian appreciated the silent support.  Each time Emmett's husband Drew would take a swig of his beer, Brian watched the man's throat swallow and he longed for a taste.  It didn't matter that the beer he was drinking was nothing special and one that Brian really didn't like, he yearned for the slight buzz it offered.  He imagined that any booze at this time would hit him pretty hard since he had abstained for a week.  He rethought his earlier statement that sobriety would be easy as long as he could see Justin at meetings might not be the case.

Brian ate a little of Debbie's lasagna, spending most of the evening talking with Gus.  He'd been spending more time with him as he got older and he really found that he enjoyed the interactions.  He would never have pegged himself for a father figure, but at 10 Gus still loved to hang out with his Dad.  He frequently told Brian that his moms were boring and always had stuff to do and that he would rather spend time with Brian.  They did a lot of things together; played video games, went to museums and Brian taught him how to play soccer.  Brian loved going to soccer games with his son and was really proud of his ability to play the game.  They spent a lot of time working on Gus's skills and Gus was thrilled that this was something that only he and his father did together.  His moms would occasionally come to his games, but he could always count on his dad to come to watch him play.

When dessert was served, Brian went outside to smoke.  He'd never been a sweet eater and no one ever expected him to eat dessert.  He walked out to the backyard and lit a cigarette,  inhaling the smoke into his lungs.  He always said it calmed him.  He really couldn't understand why smoking was not allowed at AA meetings, but there were always large signs forbidding smoking.  As he thought of AA, his mind turned again to Justin.  He wondered what he was doing and wondered how he spent the remainder of his Sunday.  Brian had no idea what Justin did when he wasn't attending meetings, but then again, Justin had no idea what Brian did either.  He guessed that really wasn't an issue since no one was supposed to know your last name.  He finished his cigarette and returned to the family gathering.  He was glad that Michael had not followed him to "chat" with him.  He didn't think he could really deal with him right now. 

The family talked and visited for another half hour and then everyone said their goodbyes, grabbing coats, toys or whatever they had brought to Debbie's.

As Brian was walking out the door, Michael yelled out, "Hey Brian, you joining us at Woody's?"

Brian stopped dead in his tracks.  He knew he couldn't go to Woody's.  Not yet.  He wasn't ready.  But on the other hand, he really did not relish the idea of another night staring at the four walls of his loft.

"No, I've got a big presentation tomorrow.  I need to head home to work on it," Brian said, knowing that this excuse would be acceptable.  Eventually, they would find out his dirty little secret, but not today.  Today, he was still Brian Kinney, stud of Liberty Avenue, the man who fucked and drank his way through life. 

"Okay," he said, accepting Brian's excuse. "See you Ma," Michael said as he walked toward the Avenue.

"Bri, you need any help on that presentation?" Ted said softly, keeping his voice low so no one would hear him.

Brian was caught off guard at Ted's question but recognized it for what it was.  "Sure," Brian said, appreciating the offer.  "It's the Kinko copy account.  You helped me with it in the fall."

"I remember that one.  I'll come by in an hour or so.  That work for you?"

"Sounds good.  I've got to swing by the store and get some batteries. The damn smoke alarm started beeping just as I was leaving this afternoon." Brian got in his car and went to the store to pick up batteries for the smoke alarm, that much of his conversation was true.  He did not have a campaign to work on and he was pretty certain Ted knew that.  He was thankful that Ted found a way to support him without spilling his secret.

After getting home, installing the batteries and changing into sweats, Brian was really at a loss for what to do with his time.  He couldn't remember there ever being a time where he had endless hours of free time at his disposal where he wasn't at the bars or baths.  His life usually consisted of going to work, going to the gym, and going to Woody's or Babylon.  Sometimes he went to the baths for a change of pace, but that was when he had a specific itch.  Of course, in the last several years more of his free time was spent with Gus, but he couldn't expect to have Gus become his go-to activity every time he wanted a drink.

Before he could ponder the idea any longer, the buzzer to his building went off.  Pressing the button in his loft, he let Ted into the building.  He was surprised to realize that he was relieved that Ted had offered to come by. 

Brian opened the door just as Ted opened the gate to the elevator.  Brian nodded his head slightly, inviting him in.  In his hands were a selection of movies, a plastic bag from the Big Q and a carry case with two cups of coffee.  He placed the items on Brian's island, glad that he didn't end up dropping anything on his way up.  Luckily he could drape the handles of the bags on his forearm so it left his hands mostly free.

"I come bearing gifts," Ted said. 

"What the hell did you buy at the Big Q that I could possibly want?  The crap emporium has absolutely nothing of value, even their toilet paper is crap."  Brian grabbed the coffee, seeing the steam coming out of the top.  He placed it on the counter and sat on the bar stool as he waited for Ted to explain.

Ted smiled at Brian's levity but didn't allow it to faze him.  Reaching into the bag, he pulled out several boxes and said, "These are Fidget Spinners."  Ted took out four Fidget Spinners and placed them on the counter."

"What the fuck is a Fidget Spinner and why in the world would I want one?  It looks like something a 6-year-old would play with."  Brian grabbed several packets of sugar from his sugar bowl on the counter and opened them, emptying them in his coffee.  It was still steaming, a little too hot to drink so he let it sit.

"Studies have shown that they calm anxiety, stress and help with focus.  When you are feeling stressed, instead of reaching for a drink, you can reach for one of these.  They are everywhere and no one will look at you oddly when you start playing with it," Ted explained.  "I have several items on my desk that I occasionally pick up and I know you have never thought twice about them."  Ted grabbed his coffee from the to go box and he also placed a packet of sugar in it and replaced the lid until it cooled to drinking temperature.

Brian looked at his CFO under a new light. He always knew Ted was brilliant when it came to numbers, but it seemed he had other talents as well.  "You use these?"

"Sometimes.  When I'm feeling stressed or like I want to use, sometimes I talk to Blake but other times I call my sponsor."  Ted took out his white chip from his pocket, showing it to Brian.  "I carry this every day.  I flip it in my pocket and it is a constant reminder of where I was and where I am now."  He placed the chip back in his pocket and looked at his friend.  "Bri, you've got your own white chip.  Remember how you got it and why.  Carry it in your pocket and it may help. There is no magic bullet in maintaining sobriety, just tenacity and the will to change your life.  Unfortunately, willpower is not the solution.  If it were just up to will power there would be no need for treatment programs and AA meetings.  It's a journey."

"Ted, you sound like you are recruiting me for some weird new age cult.  It's a journey.  It's a lifestyle. Really, do you expect me to believe that this sobriety thing is mystical."  Brian picked up his coffee, taking a tentative sip and smiled.  "Not bad.  Guess all those years of listening to me order coffee at the office paid off."

Ted opened one of the packages and laid it on the counter, hoping Brian would pick it up and play with it.  "Bri, if sobriety were that easy, why would there be a need for 15 different AA meetings every morning before the workday?  And there are easily 15 meetings during work as well as that many after work. Multiply that number by every major city in the world and that is a huge number.  It's tough and having someplace safe to go is a huge piece of being successful."

Brian picked up the gadget and fidgeted with it as he talked.  "You telling me that I got to recreate myself?"

"No.  I'm not telling you anything.  All I'm saying is that you need to accept that AA is work, as much work as we do at the office.  Its different work, it's working on your life and how you want to live it."  Ted had Brian's attention, they weren't at work and Brian had asked him to come to his home.  In Brian's way, he was asking for help.

"Honestly, Bri, what were your plans when you left Deb's?  I know we don't have a presentation tomorrow, but Michael knows you often bow out due to work and he accepted your excuse.  Normally you would go to Woody's, play pool, have a few beers, pick up several tricks, enjoy a few blow jobs and come home.  This is what you do most evenings. If you are going to remain sober, you are going to have to come up with activities that will occupy your time."

Brian realized his coffee was probably getting cold, so he took another drink, happy that it was still warm.  He listened to Ted, accepting that Ted did make a valid point, but he was at a loss to what he wanted his life to be like.

"Brian you don't need to make any changes today, tomorrow or next week.  One of the basic tenets of the 12 steps is that we take each day one at a time. If you try and make too many changes at once, you won't be successful. Change has to happen gradually."

"Enough lecture for one night.  Let's see what you brought in the way of movies," Brian said.  Brian was done talking, at least for the time being.  He knew that Ted had some valid points, but he didn't have a clue as to what he wanted out of life so he couldn't begin to fathom where to go next.

Brian chose The Escape of Prisoner 614.  They sat on the couch and watched the movie, not talking about sobriety or fidget toys.  After the movie, Ted said, " I'm getting tired and I better not oversleep.  My boss is a stickler for being on time to work."

Brian smiled and said, tongue in cheek,   "Well I guess you better go home and get to bed so you can be on time to work.  I'd hate to be the cause of you getting in trouble at work."

"Night, Bri," Ted said as he walked toward the door.

Brian opened the sliding door and let his friend out.  "Thanks for the fidget things and the movies."

Brian closed the door behind Ted and got ready for bed.

TBC

Monday morning dawned and Brian was up at 6:00.  He normally slept in till 7:00 or 7:30, but since he had gone to bed early, he woke way before his alarm went off.  He did a quick body check and realized he actually felt good.  For the last week, he had felt like he had the residual of a flu bug and accredited the malaise to some illness going around the office.  With over 100 people working for him, there always seemed to be someone out sick.  He had not attributed his run-down feeling to alcohol withdrawal, but maybe he should have.  Since it was early, he decided to check his emails and get an early start on the day.  After an hour, he showered and got ready for work.

Arriving at work, he went to his office to begin his day.  His day was fine until 3:00, when Cynthia came into his office, barely knocking before she entered.

"Boss, we've got a problem,"

"What?" he said, knowing that she had a good head on her shoulders and was an excellent business person.  If she said it was a problem, then it most likely was big.

"The photographer for the shoot this afternoon was taken to the hospital for appendicitis and won't be able to meet the deadline.  I've called all over and no one is available until at least Wednesday.  We've got to have the proofs by Wednesday so our art department has time to put them in the mock-up boards.  Your meeting with Asus is Friday and it has already been postponed once."

Brian listened to the scenario and could feel a massive headache coming on.  Shit, Shit, Shit.  "When was the shoot scheduled for?"

"This evening at 6:00."

"Okay.  Brian calculated in his head the amount of time he would need, but realized he might not be able to make the meeting tonight.  He didn't like that option, but couldn't mess up his business due to his desire to hit some meeting.  "I'll shoot the ad.  Where and who will be there?  They better be ready.  I have things to do."

"Great.  It's by the river, one of the warehouses.  I'll get you the address."

As the day went on, it seemed to Brian that there was a conspiracy to throw everything that could go bad at him at once.  The 4:00 meeting with Logan Steakhouses had not gone well.  The son who usually attended and liked Brian's forward thinking had a falling out with his father and had, at least for now, left the company.  His father was old school and wanted pictures of the interior of the steakhouse with big pictures of meat, not the ads with hip 20 and 30 somethings having a great time at the establishment.  He did not sign the contract.

After that, he received a phone call from Lindsay that Gus had a birthday party to attend on Saturday and would not be able to come to visit Brian as planned.  She offered to bring him Saturday night, but Brian did not readily agree.  In the back of his mind, he wanted to be available to attend the meeting where he met Justin.  If the photo shoot went long, he might not be able to attend the AA meeting tonight.  Saturday was a long way off, but he wanted another chance at that bubble butt. Something about Justin made it impossible to not think of the man. He'd never had this feeling before, but then he admitted he'd usually only thought of men as potential fucks.  He wanted to fuck Justin and discarded his desire to see him again as anything but wanting to stick his cock in his bubble butt.

Brian was in a foul mood when he went to the photo shoot, but he was the ultimate professional and got some excellent shots for his boards.  Since he designed the boards, he knew exactly what he wanted and unlike the normal scenario,  he didn't have to rely on the photographer to shoot from a list of potential poses and then have the art department try to fill his vision from the proofs. He managed to complete the shoot by 7:30.  He put away his equipment and drove across town to the meeting, hoping that Justin was there. He wondered when he'd become a lesbian, hoping to see somebody, but struck the thought as he still saw Justin as a conquest. 

He'd had a for shit day, first, the photographer got fucking sick and then Gus had a stupid birthday party and wouldn't be able to spend Saturday with him.  He'd been counting on Gus' company to give him something to do.  Then he had to do the photo shoot himself.  He really wanted a drink and a fuck, not necessarily in that order.  He moved his hand to automatically shift the car when he came close to a stop light and reality hit him yet again.  He was in a fucking rental since he wrapped his beloved jeep around a tree. He couldn't go to Woody's and enjoy his favorite form of pain management.  Fuck. He looked at the dashboard and saw that it was already 8:15 and he was still 10 minutes out.  He banged his hand on the steering wheel.

Finally arriving at the meeting, he found the room and quickly scanned the participants for the familiar blond.  Locating him he made his way over to Justin and saw that there was an empty chair a few seats down.  Hearing the noise from Brian's entrance, Justin looked his way and smiled when he saw the man.  He almost thought that Brian wasn't coming since it was so late, but he was glad that he had come.  Maybe tonight, he'd get the man to stay for a cup of coffee.

Brian settled in his seat, taking a few deep breaths as he tried to tune into the speaker.  He'd missed the first part of the meeting, but a new person had come to the podium and was starting to talk. 

"Tonight I want to talk to you about anger.  I used to be angry all the time, it was my reason to drink.  Or so I thought.  I was angry at my boss, so I had a few after I got off work.  I was angry at my wife, so I stepped out on our marriage and had a few rather than talk to her about things.  I was angry at my family, thinking that their lives were better than mine and resenting their success. Of course, after interacting with them, I justified having a few drinks to calm myself. Soon I was drinking all the time. 

One day I got called into the boss's office and he told me to get sober or I would lose my job.  I was so angry, I left and you guessed it, I had a drink.  Well, it was more than one drink, it was so many I stopped counting.  I went home to tell my wife about my crappy boss and she told me the same thing.  Get sober or I leave.  I grabbed the bottle from the liquor cabinet and drank half of it before I passed out. When I woke up, I walked to the kitchen and there was a note on the table.

"Get help!!"  That was my wake up call.  I wanted to be angry, but I just didn't have the energy to be angry. Everybody was out to get me.  Then I sat down and started thinking about my anger and realized that anger was just my excuse to drink.  If I wanted to get my life back, I needed to figure things out. I came here and listened to the stories.  I read books and I found a sponsor. Drinking was the problem, anger was the justification.  I'm here to share with all of you that in order to conquer those demons, you have to figure out why you drink.  Thankfully, through the support of everyone here, I did and I'm happy to say that today my wife moved back in."

Everyone in the audience clapped and the man continued to share his success and talk for another five minutes.  As Brian listened, he recalled Ted's conversation from the other night.  Sobriety was hard.

When he was finished, he sat down and someone else got up to share their story.  Brian listened, trying to tell himself that their problems were not the same as his.  He drank as part of the conquest.  It was different.

The meeting adjourned and people flowed toward the back as was customary.  Justin followed Brian back to the coffee urn and waited in line for his turn.  He grabbed styrofoam cup and put 3 packets of sugar in it before filling it with coffee.  He turned to Justin, "So how is this coffee compared to the other meetings?"  He couldn't believe he was making small talk with this man again and that he'd rushed here from clear across town to make this meeting.  He was truly losing his sanity.

"Not bad, but the coffee at last night's meeting was better.  I don't come to this one very often, maybe it got better."  Justin fixed his own cup and took a tentative drink.  "Not bad, but there is a great cafe down the street."

Brian smiled and nodded his head thinking that tonight maybe he could finally get the man into his bed.  Finishing his coffee, he threw the empty cup in the trash.  "Lead on, MacDuff."

Justin walked to the front of the building and Brian followed him.  "It's just a block over.  Want to walk or drive?"

"Let's walk.  Not too cold tonight.  Besides, I've been inside all day. The fresh air will be welcome,' Brian said, surprised at the words as soon as he said them. 

They quickly found the cafe and sat down.  The waitress came up to them a few minutes later and took their order.  Brian hadn't eaten so he ordered a turkey sandwich.  Justin ordered dessert and a coffee.

"I watched you as the speaker was talking about anger.  You seemed to be thinking about what he said.  Did he hit a nerve?"  Justin asked.  He found this man interesting but wasn't sure why. He definitely had poise, but there was a vulnerability about him and he just wanted to help him.

"I don't drink because I'm angry," Brian said. The waitress brought their coffee and this gave Brian an excuse to stop talking as he prepared his coffee with sugar.

"Do you really believe in the 12 Steps?" Brian asked. 

"I do.  It's helped me and millions of others gain sobriety."

Brian nodded his head, willing to listen.

"The first step is accepting that you have a problem.  Coming to a meeting gets you to the first step.  If you didn't think you had a problem, then you wouldn't keep coming back."

"Okay, I admitted that I have a problem.  My Jeep is proof that I definitely shouldn't have been driving that day.  And if I am honest, which is why I finally went to a meeting, I shouldn't have been driving on many other occasions as well."

‘You got Step one.  Step two:  Understand that a power greater than ourselves could help get our lives back."

"I don't fucking believe in G-d.  If I have to do that, I might as well leave now," Brian said, his voice raising when he heard the second step.  No way was he going to go down the road of Joan Kinney.  Joan used her belief in G-d as a reason for everything, including condemning his lifestyle and telling him he was going to hell.  He was perfectly fine with his lifestyle and who cared if he went to hell, he'd be dead anyway. 

"Calm down,"  Justin said.  "No one said you had to believe in G-d to be in AA.  The idea is that you accept that you aren't able to do this alone.  Remember, I mentioned being your sponsor Saturday? And tonight, the guy talking about his anger said that his sponsor helped him a lot,"  Justin said, starting to reach out his hand to Brian but deciding against it.

"What the hell does a sponsor do?"  Brian's body was still on high alert, charged from the mention that he needed G-d in order to get sober.  He was ready to leave and say ‘screw this' to this whole discussion.

"A sponsor can do a lot or a little.  The person is your confidante, someone you can share your concerns with.  A sponsor is someone who is willing to be there for you, day or night if you need help. A lot of people are not comfortable talking in front of the group, so they talk with their sponsor.  The sponsor helps them move through the steps of the program."

"So if you were my sponsor, you'd be willing to take my call night or day?"

Brian smiled at the thought of having access to that bubble butt anytime he wanted.

"If you needed support, sure I'd be there.  Everybody has bad days and wants to drink, the sponsor can hopefully support the person so that doesn't happen. And if it does, then the sponsor can still support that person to start over."

The waitress brought Brian his sandwich and Justin's raspberry torte. Brian hadn't realized how hungry he was and bit into the sandwich, taking several bites before he said anything else. He didn't often think about food or rather what he wanted to eat.  His eating habits were pretty regimented, but he did occasionally crave a good steak.  Since he ate at the Liberty diner for many of his meals, his palate was not too discerning.  No one could really mess up a turkey sandwich and this one was at least on fresh bread and had a distinct smoked taste.  It didn't taste stale or slimy, so he ate a few more bites. Brian took several deep breaths and tried to concentrate on eating rather than the jumble of emotions running through his head.

He knew he needed help; the last few days had shown him that.  Without Ted and Blake, he would have gone crazy.  He knew it wasn't a good idea to rely on Ted and Blake; there were too many secrets that he didn't want them to know about.  The only thing  Brian knew about Justin was that he liked coffee and desserts and had offered to help him.  Brian Kinney did not accept help easily, but maybe this time would be an exception. Of course, he really didn't think he would need to disclose a lot to this sponsor guy. 

"Ok, you can be my sponsor.  My friend, Ted said I should get one.  He is a recovering crystal addict and his partner is a drug counselor.  They both said they'd support me but were too close to be a sponsor."  Brian found himself sharing information that he normally would not have dreamed of talking about with anyone and wondered what magical spell this young man had cast on him to agree to this very unKinney like behavior.

"Good.  I want to help you.  I know my sponsor helped me so much.  I wouldn't be here without her." Justin lay his hand palm up.  "Give me your phone and I'll put my number in it.  You can reach me any time."

Brian handed his phone over, hoping that this was the right thing to do.  He was beginning to realize that there was more to this stuff than just attending meetings, but he was still on the fence about the sponsor thing.  They ate their food, neither saying much until they were finished.  "So where do we start?"  Brian said, hoping to tear off the bandaid, so to speak, without too much pain.

"That is up to you.  This isn't a class where there is a syllabus and unfortunately or fortunately depending on your viewpoint, there is not a specific road map to follow.  Everybody works their program differently," Justin said as he waved to the waitress to refill his coffee. 

Brian did not like his answer.  He was not one to meander on a path; he was always the one who investigated the shortest and quickest way to meet his destination.  He wanted to be sober so he wouldn't hurt Gus.  Wasn't that enough?  He thought about the three meetings he'd attended and reviewed those in his head but didn't see any pattern there either.

"Some help would be appreciated here.  I've got no road map to even see my options," Brian said as he added three sugars to the freshly refilled cup of coffee.

Justin drank some of his coffee, trying to formulate his response.  He knew Brian was skittish, most people were when the first started meetings. 

"Why did you come to a meeting?"

"I wrapped my fucking car around a tree.  I said that at the meeting.  I still can't believe I got up there in front of a bunch of complete strangers and said all that," Brian said, thinking about that first meeting as if it were a dream. 

"Sometimes the anonymity of a meeting encourages people to say things they normally wouldn't," Justin said, remembering his turning point.  He'd been a mess.  He'd had an argument with his agent about his drinking at the reception of his last show.  He'd gone to his studio to paint, but instead, he started drinking to forget his pain.  He started painting but didn't look at the canvas he was painting, just threw paint on the nearest surface.  When he was done with that one, he took another canvas and did the same to it. When he was finished he had repainted 6 canvases, almost a month's worth of work.  He passed out after drinking two bottles of bourbon and when he woke, he saw the disaster of his studio and a month's worth of work ruined.  He was furious and went through his studio throwing things to the ground, clearing surfaces with wide sweeps of his hand until there was nothing untouched.  He pounded his fist on the walls until they were bruised and slightly swollen and cried tears of frustration.  When he had stopped crying, he grabbed his keys, walked out the door and locked the studio.  He went to a meeting that night.  He'd hit rock bottom.

"That part I know, but what about wrapping your car around a tree made you come to a meeting?" Justin asked, pushing him a little more.  He remembered his sponsor, always pushing for a little more in the beginning. He understood that minimalist answers weren't going to work, a person needed to delve deep into their soul to start to work the program. 

Brian looked at Justin and saw no malice, no ulterior motive in asking.  He knew if one of "his family" would have asked they would have been judgmental, castigating him for being reckless.  This man had no preconceived ideas about who Brian Kinney was and was just trying to help Brian with his sobriety.  It was such a novel idea, somebody helping Brian.  He was used to helping himself or others, not the other way around. 

"My son.  I did it for Gus."

"You did it for Gus," Justin said, repeating the information, hoping Brian would elaborate without him questioning him more.  He didn't want Brian to feel like he was on trial and had to defend himself. 

"I was afraid that I could have had Gus with me and he might get hurt.  I couldn't do that.  I need to keep him safe."

"You drink when you have Gus with you?" Justin asked the question with no malice or accusation.  It was no different than when he ordered coffee from the waitress earlier this evening.

"I have.  Nothing big, maybe a few beers.  But this scared me.  I'd had a few beers before taking him home that day.  We had gone to a soccer game; he plays goalie.  I had a few beers while I watched the game.  A couple of beers didn't make me drunk so I thought everything was fine.  I dropped him off after the game, but then on my way home I went to the bar and drank some more.  I still didn't think I was drunk.  I drink," Brian said and then corrected himself.  "I used to drink all the time.  I don't get drunk so I didn't think anything about getting in the car and driving home. But, I was wrong.  I lost control and wrapped the car around a tree.  After the paramedics checked me out and gave me clearance, I looked at my car.  It scared me.  I walked away but the passenger side of the car was crushed where I hit the tree.  Gus could have been severely hurt, maybe even killed had he been with me.  The cops came and did a test, I passed, barely.  Guess it had been long enough after I drank the beers that I didn't register high enough.  As I said, it was only a few beers.  But I could care less about a ticket.  A ticket can be paid for and sure my insurance would go up, but I could afford that.  I couldn't change anything if something happened to Gus.  I knew I needed help.  This happened on Sunday of last week.  It scared me enough that I didn't drink for about a week, but then came Saturday.  I was going stir crazy and I knew I needed something, so I looked up AA and the rest is history."

"It's called rock bottom.  You hit a point where your drinking was impacting your life in a way you couldn't accept," Justin said, giving Brian's experience a name. 

"That sounds appropriate.  I never thought I really had a problem, but when I had the accident, it was a wake-up call."  Brian had long ago finished his sandwich and second cup of coffee.  Looking around he saw that they were the only ones left in the coffee shop.  "Looks like we're the only ones here.  I think I've had enough talk for tonight, why don't you come home with me and we can continue this in a more relaxed way."  Brian looked at Justin, the lust evident in his gaze.  His notion of continuing the conversation was obviously not to talk about sobriety.

Justin shook his head no. " Brian I told you Saturday.  I'm not going to have sex with you.  You're not supposed to start any new relationships this early in recovery."

"Who says anything about a relationship.  I sure didn't.  Sex is sex."

"No.  If you want sex, you will have to get it from someone else,"  Justin insisted, brooking no argument.

Brian did not like being turned down.  In fact, it was not something he was used to.  Every gay man he'd ever met wanted a fuck from Brian Kinney.  He didn't like Justin's answer, but he wasn't quitting.  For once, he accepted that he needed Justin's help more than he wanted his body.  He vowed that one day, he'd have both.

They paid the bill and walked out of the coffee shop together.  They walked toward the building where the AA meeting was held.  "So do you go to meetings every day?" Brian asked.  As Brian walked beside Justin, he surreptitiously glanced at the beautiful man and inhaled his unique scent.

"Pretty much.  In the beginning, sometimes I hit two meetings a day; one in the morning and one in the evening. It gave me structure.  You know, having somewhere to go."

"So that is common?"

"Finding something to do?" Justin asked for clarification and looked at Brian.

Brian nodded.  "Yeah.  According to my friend, Ted, I'm going to have to figure out a whole new life. Not sure how I feel about that."

"Well, that may be a little extreme.  I mean, sometimes you can't really change your whole life, but change is a part of sobriety."

They reached their cars and Brian said, "So where do I find you for tomorrow's meeting? If I'm going to do this, I guess I need to go to a meeting."  Brian smirked as he looked at Justin.

Justin took out the paper from his pocket and looked at the meeting schedule.  "What about the one on Washington St. It's in the Parc Bldg."

"You go all over, don't you?" Brian said as he mentally calculated the location of the meeting."

"Well, we don't want to go to a closed meeting and I know you said you like a later time.  Later works for me, so I chose that one.  Really, it doesn't matter.  You will eventually choose a home group and go there most of the time.  But since most groups only meet once a week, that isn't enough for folks starting out."

"Okay.  Tomorrow at 8:00 at the Parc Bldg.  I'll see you there."  Brian got in his car and watched Justin get in his car.  He thought about following him but decided against it.  He decided he was tired and would just go home.

When he got home, he showered and turned on the tv, catching a rerun of a James Dean movie.  He watched it for a while and then went to bed. 

Brian went to Kinnetik the following day and managed to get through another day without yelling too much at the art department and not threatening to fire Ted more than twice.  He left work, went to the gym and then drove to the AA meeting.  This was his fourth meeting in four days.  He hadn't gone to Babylon in over two weeks and he'd only gotten his dick sucked once.  He was beginning to question the whole sobriety thing if he was going to have to give up sex. 

He walked into the building and quickly located the meeting.  Looking around, he spotted Justin and sat next to him.  The meeting wasn't supposed to start for another 15 minutes so they had a few minutes to talk. 

"Hi.  How was your day?" Justin asked.

"Okay.  The art department didn't screw up the boards too much.  I swear I wonder if all artists are just so full of themselves that they don't care to listen."

"So you work with a lot of artists?" Justin was intrigued.  While anonymity was the backbone of AA, the reality of anonymity was somewhat vague.  People in AA often socialized outside of the group and frequently formed a new social circle for recovering addicts.  Last names in the group were not used, but if people socialized outside of the group, they soon learned that information.  The key was that someone could be anonymous if they wanted to be.  Attendees were never supposed to tell that they knew the person from AA.  The people who attended the groups came from all walks of life; some were professionals like doctors and lawyers while others were students, homemakers, and some didn't work at all. The common thing they all shared was that they all had an addiction to alcohol and wanted to overcome that addiction.  They all realized that they needed a village to do this and that they couldn't do it alone. 

"Yes.  I'm in advertising," Brian said, not wanting to share his connection with Kinetik.  He wasn't really sure why he didn't want to say anything about Kinnetik to Justin, but it just didn't feel right.  Everyone on Liberty Avenue knew who Brian Kinney was, but he'd chosen to attend AA far away from that comfort zone.  He wanted to do this without his friends and the queer grape vine knowing. 

Justin took the information and filed it away.  Brian didn't appear to want to elaborate so he wasn't going to push.  After all, he'd only known the man for less than a week.  If Brian really wanted to work on his sobriety, he knew he would be spending a lot of time talking to him in the future.  There was plenty of time to get to know what made this man tick.  Since Brian didn't ask him what he did for a living, Justin didn't volunteer any information either.

"How's the coffee here?" Brian asked, comfortable with that innocuous question.

"Not sure,  I don't think I've ever attended this meeting.  I like this part of town and there is a really good coffee shop a few blocks south of here.  If the coffee is really terrible, we could go there after the meeting."

Brian nodded, not wanting to give away how the prospect of coffee with Justin was definitely on the list of things he wanted to indulge in.  He was trading going to Babylon for coffee tastings.  How lame was that?  Ted said he had to reinvent himself, but he would have never thought this is what he had in mind.  A banal conversation about where to go for coffee while trying to figure out how to convince the gorgeous man next to him to suck his cock.  There was something wrong with the universe when Brian Kinney had to convince a man to sleep with him.  Of course, there was something wrong with the universe as Brian was sitting here contemplating sex rather than having it. 

Brian stopped thinking about how pathetic his life had become and tuned into the meeting.  He really wanted to get Justin into bed, but it appeared that the only way to do that was to be clean for a while.  He had no idea what a while meant, but he'd made up his mind that wrapping his car around a tree was not the life he wanted.  If that meant attending a bunch of dumb meetings then Brian would do that.  Brian Kinney did not fail; he always succeeded. 

Today's topic was about anger and how it impacted people.  Brian listened and found himself identifying with a lot of the information.  He was angry and had been for a long time.  He was angry at his dad for using him as a punching bag.  His dad was angry and used Brian to channel that anger rather than deal with it.  He was angry at his mother for not protecting him from his father and he was angry at both of them for the neglect and lack of caring in the home.  Brian had not felt accepted until his teen years when he started hanging with Mikey.  Debbie had taken him in and loved him.  He knew he was screwed up but he never really put a finger on what the long-term anger was doing to him.

Justin watched Brian during the meeting.  He saw the man nod his head throughout the discussion and knew that it hit home for him.  Anger was a popular topic for AA meetings as anger was a strong emotion.  Many people didn't know how to deal with their anger and as a result used drinking to handle the difficult emotion. Justin knew first hand how he dealt with anger, flashing back to his ruined studio a year ago.  He too had a lot of anger.

When the meeting was over, Justin looked at Brian, "Want to try the coffee?" he asked. 

"No.  I think not.  Let's try that coffee place you were talking about.  I think all the AA meetings must get their coffee from the same boring place."

Justin stood up and Brian followed him out of the building.  They stopped at the curb. "It's about two miles down the road.  Why don't we drive?  You want to follow me or I could drive?"

Brian thought for about 15 seconds and said, "I'll drive myself."  He didn't really want to be beholden to Justin to take him back to his car and he still was a little leery of this whole sponsor thing.  This way he could leave whenever he wanted.

"Sure.  My car is over in the lot across the street.  Where is your car?"  Justin asked, waving his hand in the direction of the parking lot.

"Same lot.  There is a lack of good parking at most of these places.  You would think that they would try to have meetings where there was enough parking," Brian said lamenting the issue.

"Most meetings don't pay for the meeting space.  You may not have noticed, but they are in a lot of churches and community centers.  The church seems to recognize that there are a lot of alcoholics," Justin said as he walked toward his car. 

"That's the only thing they recognize," Brian said under his breath as he thought about his mother's overly zealous attendance at church to the extent that she neglected to keep him safe. 

Justin didn't respond.  He decided that if Brian wanted him to know the information, he would have said it out loud.  He filed this information in an ever larger compartment in his brain, labeled Brian.  "Here's my car.  Where's yours?  You can follow me."

Brian pointed to his Toyota a few aisles over.  "That horrible blue thing is my car for now.  I really need to settle with the insurance company so that I can get me a new one.  Driving that suburban box is ruining my reputation," Brian said, somewhat tongue in cheek.  He realized just as he said the words that his reputation was most likely the talk of speculation since he hadn't been seen in Liberty Avenue's fine establishments for 10 days.  Unless he was away on business or seriously sick, this behavior was unheard of.  He'd been getting his cock sucked on a regular basis since he was 17 and could get into the hallowed halls of Babylon and Woody's. He was sure that the gay grapevine was more than alive and well and speculating what had happened to the "Stud of Liberty Avenue".

Brian walked to his car, got in and spotted Justin's ugly SUV. Pulling up behind it, he followed him a few miles to the coffee shop.  This one was a small diner and it reminded him of the Liberty Diner but there were lots of male/female couples here.  As he sat down at a booth, he felt a small wave of recognition come over him.  If he closed his eyes and didn't focus too much on the voices, he would think he was in the Liberty Diner and that Debbie would be coming to their table with her garish red wig, T-shirt with some thinly veiled sexual innuendo logo, and her ever ready pad.  A small smile came over him when he thought of that place, realizing that he thought of it as home. 

He reached for the menu and started looking at it, knowing before he even perused it, he would only be ordering a latte.  It was too late for carbs and he'd been held up at the office and didn't get to the gym.  Justin watched him wondering what got the slight small from his lips but didn't push.  He'd only known him for a few days and he already had him pegged as a very private man. Justin wondered how he was going to help him if he didn't start to share his struggles.  The waitress came and took their order.

"The topic tonight hit home.  I hit bottom when I was so angry that I destroyed my studio and several months worth of work in less than an hour.  When I went into the studio the next day, I realized I needed help," Justin said, hoping to get Brian talking about the topic.  He's seen Brian appear to pay attention to the topic, much more so than in previous meetings.

Brian looked at the beautiful blond sitting across from him and realized he was familiar.  He'd seen that face. "Shit! Your an artist."  Looking at the gorgeous man sitting across from him he finally put the puzzle pieces together.  Brian studied the man across from him and it suddenly really hit him why it was called AA.  Anonymous. 

"Guilty as charged.  But here we are just Brian and Justin," Justin said, hoping to get the conversation back to Brian and away from his livelihood.

"So you destroyed your studio. That must have sucked.  Were you drunk?"  Brian recognized Justin's defection, not wanting to discuss his history and gave him a silent touche. This man had balls, bringing up his failings and struggles but still trying to help Brian.

"Yes.  I'd had a show that night and enjoyed one too many free cocktails.  Truth be told it was more like a tray of free cocktails.  Evidently, I was ignoring my patrons and generally making an ass of myself.  I also told the owner of the gallery some rather unflattering things about his event. That was when my agent, pulled me aside and reamed me about my behavior.  He threatened to stop representing me if I didn't shape up.  I was so pissed.  No one had a right to tell me what to do, etc, etc.  I went to my studio and pretty much ransacked it.  In my very drunken state I decided that I could do what I wanted and if there was no work then he wouldn't have to make that choice."  Justin shook his head at the retelling of his story.  "Of course, he was right.  I was an ass and if I didn't stop getting drunk and being rude to my patrons and gallery owners, I was going to be blackballed.  Basically, a has been before I'd even really had a chance."

Brian listened to the tale, recognizing the kindred anger.  He questioned why he even asked, it was so unlike him, but this man sitting across from him had a habit of getting Brian to talk about things that he normally kept very private.  He jokingly thought that there was some magical spell that Justin had cast upon him, but decided not to question the situation too deeply.

"I've never destroyed a studio, but I imagine wrapping a car around a tree counts just as much," Brian said, some tongue in cheek filling the remark.

"This isn't a pissing contest of who has the best anger display," Justin said.  The waitress brought their order and they drank their coffee in silence for a bit.  "So you were angry that night?"

Brian thought back to the night, remembering Lindsay's words as if they were spoken an hour ago rather than 10 days ago.  "Yeah, I was angry. Lindsay started the conversation about me drinking when I had Gus. She was being holier than thou telling me that this was irresponsible and bad parenting, ad nauseum.  Then she moved to her ever-present talk.  My way of life was a bad influence on Gus.  I was setting a bad example for him by picking up random tricks all the time and never settling down.  What was he going to think when he was older.  Nag, nag, nag.  I left there and went to Babylon.  You know the rest." 

"So you wrapped your car around the tree when you left Babylon?"

"Yeah.  I was still really pissed.  My son is really important to me.  I don't want to raise him, that's their job, but I want him to know who I am.  But I lost control and wrapped my car around a tree on my way home.  Scared the shit out of me.  I've made that drive a zillion times and I know I've been drunk and or high many of those. My anger got the best of me.  While I don't think she has any right trying to dictate my sex life, maybe she is right about me drinking when I have Gus in the car."

Justin had finished his dessert and coffee and Brian had waved to the waitress for their check.  The conversation was getting a little too close to home and Brian wasn't sure he was ready to explore those areas. 

"Brian," Justin began, wanting to keep him at the table for a little longer.  "It bothers you that she might be right," he asked, hoping that he was reading him right.

"I guess.  I can just hear her WASP voice if she knew I was attending AA.  "Oh Brian, I'm so glad that you are going to AA.  I was really worried about you and I'm so proud of you.  Let me know if you need anything.'  "The bitch would pretend to be all positive about it, but in the back of her mind she would be plotting how to use my drinking as another way to keep Gus from spending time with me."

"Sounds like she wants you to get help?" Justin asked, not sure he really understood the comments.

"Lindsay is only interested in what is good for Lindsay.  She has her little vision of what life should be like for me and her ideal would be that the three of us, her, Gus and I would settle down and be the little family.  Pushing me to settle down is about her fantasy of her being my wife.  Of course, that is priceless as she is a lesbian and I like cock."

Justin listened and as long as Brian was willing to talk, he remained quiet.

"When she tells me I shouldn't drink when I have Gus with me, that is just her way to exert control over my life.  She knows that I want to spend time with Gus and she will use any little infraction of her pretend rules to deny me access to my own kid.  Lots of parents drink at soccer games; I've seen them.  They sell beer at the concession stand.  Who do you think drinks that beer?  Parents are drinking it and then getting in a car with their kids to drive them home.  I can fucking drink a few beers without her being all sanctimonious."  Brian's voice was rising as he shared more about that night with Justin. 

Justin knew he had hit really shaky ground.  Brian was escalating and if he didn't calm him down, he would head toward his normal coping mechanism, drink.  If that happened, Justin would have to start from the beginning and Brian would most likely start to question his ability to remain sober.

"You're really angry at her,"  Justin said in a soft voice, trying to soothe Brian.

"I think she is manipulative and I just want to see my kid. She doesn't have a fucking right to tell me how to live my life."

"Gus, his name is Gus right?"

"Yeah," Brian said, still filled with the anger at Lindsay for trying to keep his son from him.

"You said you were getting sober for him.  You didn't want to possibly hurt him if you were drinking and driving,"  Justin said, trying to get the conversation back on more neutral ground.

"Sure," Brian said, thinking how guilty and heartbroken he would feel if he had hurt Gus.

"So, let's focus on Gus."

Brian heard the words and took a few calming breaths.  He was still angry, but he knew Justin was right. 

"I couldn't live with myself if I hurt him."

"Okay.  So you are not drinking in order to keep him safe," Justin kept repeating the idea hoping to refocus Brian's mind on sobriety, not his kid's mother."

"Yeah.  Yeah.  Enough with the psychobabble for today.  I get it.  I'm not going to drink so I don't inadvertently hurt Gus.  I gotta go," Brian said as he started to get up and grab his check.

Justin stood up too, but grabbed the paper out of his back pocket, laying it on the table.  "Tomorrow....  "  The inherent question was literally on the table.  Where would they go to a meeting?  Justin held his breath hoping Brian was still on board with the program and that he had managed to deflect his anger enough. 

Brian picked up the paper quickly glancing at the times for tomorrow.  He mentally thought about his day and calculated going to the gym before the meeting.  He pointed to a meeting and wrote the address on his phone.  "That one will work.  How's the coffee nearby?"  Brian said, tongue in cheek.

Justin smiled; he had succeeded in deflecting Brian's anger and getting him to commit to another day of sobriety.  He hoped it was another day, but at least he had committed to another meeting.  "There is a gallery near there where I've shown my work.  There is an awesome coffee shop across the street from the gallery.  Of course, they have great coffee."

"Of course, they do.  See you tomorrow."  Brian placed several bills on the table to cover his portion of the tab and walked out the door.

It was 10:00, too late to work out, but not too late to go to Babylon.  He really needed someone to suck his cock.  He debated with himself for just a few moments and decided he really wasn't ready for Babylon.  Instead, he drove home, undressed, grabbed the ever-present bottle of lube by his bed and jerked off to visions of Justin.

TBC

The next few days were a repeat of the previous two.  Brian went to work, to the gym, and then attended a meeting in the evening.  He usually ate breakfast at the diner but did not stay for small talk, pleading work deadlines.  This didn't garner him any flack as everyone knew that he often worked late trying to meet deadlines.  There were certain givens when you owned your own business and had employees dependent on you for their livelihood. 

But now it was Friday and Brian hadn't been seen in Babylon or Woody's for almost two weeks.  As Michael sucked the last vestiges of soda from his glass, he said,  "Brian, it's Friday and you've got to come out to Babylon tonight.  You haven't hung out with me for a long time.  I'll come by about 10:00."

Brian was not about to go to Babylon.  He'd been sober for only two weeks and knew he couldn't maintain his sobriety if he was tempted like that.  He'd been resorting to using the Internet for pickups, so he was getting his cock sucked on a regular basis.  He wasn't ready to tell anyone why he wasn't going either.  He knew he would never be able to stay away indefinitely, but maybe in another few weeks, he could handle the temptation.

"No can do, Michael. I've got plans."

"Plans.  You've had plans every night for the last two weeks," Michael said in his typical whine.  "I need to have plans with my best friend.  When am I going to see you?"

"Why Mikey, you're seeing me now," Brian said, tongue in cheek.  He was not going to be goaded into going to Babylon just because Michael wanted him to do it.  Brian threw down some money to cover his portion of the bill and stood up.  "Gotta go, boys," Brian said and looked at Ted.  "Theodore, your boss doesn't like it when you're late to work," Brian walked to the door, not looking back at the men.

He walked the few blocks to Kinnetik and greeted Cynthia as he walked by her desk.  "Cynthia, get me the folder on the CVS account."

"Morning boss."

"Morning," Brian said.  He knew she hated it when he didn't greet her before asking for things.  He hated to admit that Mikey got on his nerves this morning. He knew he hadn't spent a lot of time with him lately, but he'd been busy.  Between work, the gym and meetings he really hadn't had a lot of extra time.  He didn't want to admit to anyone but after he and Justin attended their meeting and went for coffee, he often went home and read some of the AA book.  Frequently he hooked up with a trick but after relieving that need, he spent an hour or so reading and reflecting. 

Cynthia came into his office with the requested file, handing it to him.  "You've got a conference call at 9:00 with Leo Brown and the Samsill rep, John, wants a little of your time."

"What the hell does he want?  Can't you take care of it?"

"Don't shoot the messenger, Brian."

"Yeah.  Yeah.  I assume he is here, waiting."

"Yes."

"Give me 15 minutes to review the CVS file and then send him in. If I'm not done with him in 10 minutes, come in here with some urgent need."

"Sure boss."

He read the CVS file, met with the Samsill rep and continued working on the information for Leo Brown's call.  After the call with Leo, he finally had a break and thought about the weekend.  It was now two weeks since he'd had a drink.  He still craved alcohol, especially when he finally arrived home after a long day.  Of course, just coming from an AA meeting kind of put a damper on the drinking thing. 

While he was contemplating his life, he heard a commotion out in the reception area and knew Mikey was there.  Mikey was still unconvinced that Brian could just drop whatever he was doing and pay attention to him.  How he usually managed to come when Brian wasn't actually on the phone was always a mystery to Brian.  As a result, Mikey never believed that Brian was so busy that he couldn't see him.  Luckily Ted's office was on the other side of reception and he usually came out and distracted Michael, leaving Brian to complete whatever work he was doing at the time. Unfortunately, Ted was not in his office on this auspicious day and Mikey barged into Brian's office despite Cynthia's urging that Brian was busy.  She stood at the door mouthing an apology as Mikey barged into Brian's office.

"Hello, Mikey.  Don't you have a business to run?"  Brian said, with an obvious disdain to his words. Brian hit save on his computer and cursed Mikey under his breath.  Maybe I should invest in a punch code or key card to get in my office. I'll have to see what Ted can come up with.  I just cannot continue to have Mikey or Lindsay barge into here whenever they deem it absolutely vital. So far, I've been lucky but one day their actions are going to get me in real trouble with a client.

"Brian.  You have just got to come to Babylon this weekend.  I just heard that Danny Devore is going to be there.  He is one of the most famous drag queens around.  I just have to see him,' Michael said, the enthusiasm in his voice almost jumping out of his body.  He didn't appear to acknowledge Brian's hint that he had a business to run and that he might actually be interrupting Brian's work day. 

"No can do. I've got Gus tonight and I have plans on Saturday."  Brian had Gus overnight one Friday night a month.  He usually spent time with him during the day on Saturday or Sunday, but hardly ever on both days.  He had agreed a long time ago that one night a month he was willing to forego Babylon and his usual haunts to spend quality time with his son.  When he had Gus overnight, they went to dinner, rented a movie and now that he was older, they played video games.  It was always set in stone that he had him on the second Friday of the month.  This way his mothers would be able to plan their activities and Brian would be assured that he would have Gus on a regular basis. 

"Can't you just change the date? Danny is only going to be here one weekend,"  Michael said, the whining getting louder and more pathetic.

"No can do, Mikey.  If I start changing the date, who knows what Lindsay will do. I only have him one Friday a month and this is that Friday.   I've been doing this since he was one and it is not going to change now.  You need to leave.  Cynthia said I was busy and unlike some people, I have a business to run that doesn't allow me to stop in the middle of the day to interrupt my friends," Brian said, the chastising evident in his comments.

"Will we at least see you Sunday?"

"I'll be at Sunday breakfast and most likely at Ma's for dinner.  But other than that, I 'm not sure what my plans are. But right now, we are not talking about my social life.  Goodbye, Mikey.  I have work to do."  Brian moved toward Michael, placed his hand on his shoulder and pushed him toward the door.  As Michael left his office, Brian said,
"I'm not to be disturbed."

"Sure thing, boss," Cynthia said as she looked at Michael with evil in her eyes.

Brian closed the door and returned to his desk where he put his head in his hands.

He was thankful that this weekend he had Gus as an excuse not to grace Babylon, but he knew that this would not last.  Maybe he'd talk to Justin about it.  Shit, Justin.  He needed to go to a meeting and had told him that he'd go to the afternoon meeting today since he couldn't go tonight. 

It was close to 11:00.  He could leave now and catch the meeting. It was not like him to leave in the middle of the morning, but he really needed a meeting, especially now. 

"Cynthia, I'm going out for a few hours.  I'll be back about 2:00.  Hold down the fort."

Cynthia looked at her boss with a confused expression but didn't comment.  She knew better than to question Brian and understood if he wanted her to know what was going on, then he would tell her.  "Sure, Boss."

Brian thought about stopping by Ted's to inform him he was going to a meeting but decided against it.  Ted knew the real reason Brian had not been at Babylon or Woody's in the last few weeks.  He had managed to deflect the conversation on several occasions when the "gang" was at the diner and they were pushing him regarding his continued absence from their respective playgrounds.  Again, he acknowledged what a great friend Ted was, quiet and unobtrusive, but there when he needed him. 

He arrived at the meeting and quickly spotted the familiar blond head belonging to Justin.  Making his way toward him, he sat down just in time for the meeting to start.  He'd been focusing more on the contents of the meeting, especially since he'd begun reading the AA literature.  Today's topic was fear.  The speaker started out discussing fear and how he often drank to handle his fear of failure and the unknown.  He had grown up in an abusive home and often feared that he was destined to end up in an abusive relationship.  He didn't want to do that to anyone, so he was a loner. This exacerbated his fear of being alone all his life.  Another participant commented that he performed poorly in school due to a learning problem and started drinking to address his fear of failure at school.  His parents were very educated, and he didn't want to disappoint them.  Each person who talked shared a story about how fear had an impact on their drinking.  Brian listened and related to so many of the stories.  He'd always thought of his situation as unique but was beginning to see that he shared a lot with other people who used alcohol to escape or address supposed inadequacies.  The meeting continued for about 45 minutes, people shared their fears and sometimes people shared how they overcame those fears. 

The leader of the group stood up and thanked everyone for sharing and stated that he hoped that today's discussion was helpful to the attendees.  He reminded everyone that there was coffee in the back. 

Justin looked at Brian and could see he was deep in thought.  "Want to try the coffee here?"

Brian was torn between having a cup of coffee with Justin, maybe even trying to process the meeting and getting back to the office.  Ted told him he would have to change but never in his wildest dreams would he have thought that meant talking to a relative stranger about his feelings.  But admittedly, he had enjoyed the talks he had with Justin, a welcome surprise to this whole sobriety thing.

He knew he had some urgent deadlines to meet and he had Gus tonight.  While he normally would have had Gus tomorrow, that opportunity was gone since he had a birthday party to attend.  He would have to settle with having his son tonight and tomorrow morning.  Although, since he didn't have Gus during most of the day on Saturday, he could work then. 

"I'm game, but if it is lousy, I don't have time to check out the local coffee bar.  Gotta get to work."

"I'm surprised that you agreed to an afternoon meeting"

"My son is staying with me tonight so I can't exactly take a 10-year-old to an AA meeting.  But tomorrow night is still good.  You planning on attending the same one where we met?"  Brian was floored at the words coming out of his mouth.  He practically asked Justin out.  Part of him wanted to backpedal, take back his words or at least pretend they weren't meant to solicit his interest in seeing Justin again, but the other part of him needed the reassurance that Justin would be there tomorrow. 

"Gus, right?"

"Yes," Brian didn't offer up any more information.

"I can make the meeting this Saturday.  I can't always make Friday night and Saturday night meetings if I have a show to attend.  My agent is pretty happy with me right now so I need to keep on her good side and that means showing up when she says I need to be somewhere."

"Let's get that coffee.  I really do have to get back to work," Brian said, regretting that he wasn't going to get to spend the next hour or so with Justin.

They made their way to the coffee table and both men prepared their respective drinks.  Brian took a tentative sip and shrugged his shoulders.  "Fair, but it is still better than the coffee from last Saturday.  I think no one had cleaned that coffee pot for at least a month.  It seemed like you could taste every residual pot."

Justin sipped his coffee and nodded in agreement.  "Not bad, but I agree it is way better than last Saturday's stuff.  After the meeting tomorrow, we can go back to the coffee shop for some real coffee."

Brian was pleased with the invitation.  Maybe he had managed to wear Justin down and he'd finally get the fuck he'd been wanting since they met.  The thought made him pleased.  If a little sharing of feelings and processing of meetings could get him in Justin's pants, he decided that it would have been worth the effort.  The man had an ass that just begged to be rode and Brian knew they would both enjoy the ride.

Way too soon for Brian, he finished his coffee and bid Justin goodbye.  Justin watched the tall man walk toward the door and made some decisions.  He really needed to start helping Brian work the program.  He hadn't pushed this first week since he recognized Brian's skittishness and hesitancy in regards to AA and its program.  Justin knew that being Brian's sponsor was more involved than sitting in a meeting and offering to go for coffee afterward. Leaving the meeting, he started thinking about how he could help him.

Brian returned to work and left on time.  He stopped at Lindsay and Mel's home to pick up Gus. 

Lindsay greeted him at the door, noticing the Toyota in the driveway.  "Where's your jeep?"

"I was in an accident; this is a rental," Brian responded, stretching the truth.  He was glad that she had taken that long to notice his car.  While he was used to telling half-truths to Lindsay, he wasn't sure that he could have pulled off the tree incident when it happened.  He obviously didn't bother saying that it was him that wrapped the car around a tree.  That statement would have resulted in Lindsay most likely forbidding him in keeping Gus.  "Happened a couple of weeks ago; just been so busy with work that I haven't gone to pick out a vehicle.  Since I don't have Gus tomorrow, I'll probably do it then."

"Oh.  Were you hurt?  Why didn't you say anything?  I could've come over,"  Lindsay said, all solicitous. 

"I'm not sixteen.  I don't need you to hold my hand every time something bad happens.  And, yes, I'm fine,"  Brian said, getting perturbed at her questions.  Lindsay to the rescue, regardless if he needed any rescuing, was a common theme in their relationship.  She continually tried to insert herself into his business, claiming that she needed to know since he was Gus father.  It angered him but he rarely called her on it for fear of her holding back his access to Gus.

There it was.  Fear.  Just like the speaker talked about at the meeting this afternoon.  Fear was a powerful emotion and often times people drank to conquer their fears. He would have to think about fear and if it was a contributing factor in his drinking.  Right now, he needed to get away from his son's mother before he lost his temper and said things he shouldn't. 

Gus came around the corner at that moment and Brian was never so glad to see him.  "Ready, Dad?  I want to play that new game on your XBox.  I thought we could go to Mario's for pizza.  I know no carbs after 7:00 but it's only 6 now and if we hurry we can make it before 6:30.  I know you like their chicken too."

Brian smiled at his son.  Being a father was one of his greatest pleasures, something that surprised him immensely.  He would do anything for his son and evidently that included stopping drinking. 

They went to dinner and had a great meal and afterward returned to Brian's loft.  They got out the controllers for the Xbox and started playing the new game.  In the middle of the game, the buzzer rang.  Brian cursed under his breath, knowing it had to be one of two people: Michael or Debbie. Neither one of which he really wanted to see.  He'd told Mikey that he had Gus tonight and was not happy that he did not listen.  He buzzed the interloper up, thinking that whoever it was would not stop until he let them up anyway.

As he opened the door, he saw he was correct in his assumption and Mikey was walking out of the elevator.  "Brian, Ma said she'd come and stay with Gus so we could go to Babylon.  I know you wouldn't want to miss seeing Danny Devore.  He's such a classic," Michael said as he walked into the loft and headed toward Brian's bedroom.  He opened the closet, rifling through the clothes, choosing several shirts for Brian to pick from.  Walking out to the living area, he held out the shirts and said, "Here.  One of these should work," he said as he laid them on the back of the couch. "Ma should be here in about 20 minutes.  Why don't you go take a shower and I'll play with Gus?"

Brian was furious.  Going to the door, he opened it again and turned toward Michael.  "Get out!  I told you I had Gus and I wasn't going.  Now leave."

"But Brian.  We haven't spent any time together in weeks.  Ma volunteered to come and stay with Gus. I don't see what the big deal is.  You'll spend time with him on Sunday."

"Michael, I'm not explaining anything to you.  Now go and I suggest you call your mother and tell her that you made a mistake and not to come here."  Brian waved Michael out of the loft.

Michael started to protest, but Brian gave him a stern look and he walked out, but not before saying, "I don't really see what the big deal is. We've got to find time to hang out.  I thought you'd be happy that you could go to Babylon instead of hanging with Gus."

Brian watched his friend walk to the door and practically pushed him out the door before rolling it closed.  Sometimes he hated that he couldn't slam the door. 

Gus looked at Brian and said, "Dad, if you want to go to Babylon, it's okay with me.  I like Grandma Debbie and she can watch me."

Brian turned toward his son and said, "Gus.  I don't want to go to Babylon.  I want to be here with you.  We don't get to spend the day tomorrow together because you have a birthday party to attend.  I can go to Babylon any time.  I choose to spend my time with you."

"But Uncle Michael seemed pretty disappointed since he wanted to spend time with you too.  I don't want to get him mad."

Brian ran his hands across his head, flattening his hair and motioned for Gus to join him on the couch.  "Come here, Sonny Boy."

Gus joined him on the couch. 

"Gus, I see Michael almost every day, but I only see you a few times a week.  Michael is an adult and can just get over himself.  I'm not always going to have the time or want to do the things he wants. Now, I told Michael that I'm spending my evening with you so let's spend some time together before you have to go to bed.  I think there is an Xbox game that we were playing before we were so rudely interrupted."

Gus gave Brian a big hug and went to get the two controllers.  After giving Brian his controller, he started the game again and they played for a few hours.  Brian was always a little surprised at how much he enjoyed spending time with his son and sometimes wondered when the other shoe would drop and Gus would realize that he was a terrible father.

It was getting late, almost 10:00 p.m. and Brian knew Gus had a birthday party to attend.  It wouldn't be a good idea to keep him up too late.  Lindsay would bitch at him that Gus wasn't getting proper sleep and then Lindsay would give him another lecture about his ability to care for his son.  He felt himself getting angry just thinking about the "conversation". He was beginning to recognize some of those feelings that the participants talked about in AA.  The feelings that made him want to drink.  Shit! Maybe it wasn't all mumbo jumbo. 

"Gus, time for you to get ready for bed.  Go brush your teeth and get ready."

Brian knew that he really needed to find another solution for Gus's sleeping arrangements.  When he was small, he had slept on the couch but he was too big to do that and now shared Brian's bed.  He always made sure there were fresh sheets on the bed, but he often thought that he needed a separate bed for him.  Deciding that today was not the time to ponder sleeping arrangements, he went to the bedroom, turned down the bed and waited for Gus to leave the bathroom.  Gus came out a few minutes later and got in the bed, yawning as he laid down.

"Night Dad.  You're the best. I'm glad you stayed home with me.  I like Grandma Debbie but she doesn't play Xbox very well."

Brian smiled rifled Gus' hair, and leaned down to give him a quick kiss.  "I don't imagine Debbie would do well at XBox.  See you in the morning."  He walked out of the bedroom and turned off the lights as he left. Gus would be asleep in a few minutes.

Brian walked out to the living room, eyeing his liquor cabinet.  No one told me that I should get rid of its contents.  There aren't any AA police.  I'm at home and there is no one around. Gus is safe in my bed and I'm not driving.  Today has really been for Shit!!  First Lindsay starts by telling me I can't have Gus in the morning and then Mikey interrupts my day twice to go to see some fucking Drag Queen.  Can't the man take no for an answer?  And to think he solicited Deb to come over and "watch" Gus.   He walked toward the cabinet and saw the fidget toy laying on the table.  Ted told him he kept one in various places; several on his desk and a few in his home.  He had left one of the toys by the liquor cabinet.  Innocuous enough to explain as one of Gus toys that he forgot to put away, but enough of a visual cue to make him think.  He wanted a drink so badly.  He could taste the slight burn of the Beam going down his throat.  He could feel the burn as it traveled down his throat into his body, warming it up from the inside as it calmed his nerves and fed his coping mechanisms.  He reached for the latch of the cabinet and drew his hand back.  Instead, he reached in his pocket and pulled out his phone.  Without thinking too much, he dialed the number, hoping Justin was willing and able to answer.

TBC

"Hello, Brian," Justin said as he recognized the caller ID.  Justin didn't want to ask how things were as he was fairly certain that this was not a social call. 

"I want a drink," Brian said.

"I'm glad you called.  Tell me what is going on."

"I had a for shit today.  When I went to pick up Gus, his mom was all up in my face about why I didn't tell her that I had an accident. She would have come over and helped me, yada yada.  The fucking accident was two weeks ago and I did just fine.  I don't need anyone to ‘help me'. She was so fucking condescending like I was some kid who needed to be coddled since I had an accident.  Then when Gus and I get home, we are playing the new Xbox game I got him and my buzzer to my building rings.  I figure it is either Mikey or Debbie, his mom.  I had already told Mikey that I wasn't free tonight but he wouldn't take no for an answer.  He practically barges into the loft and walks right in my bedroom. He fucking goes into my closet and picks out 3 shirts for me to choose from.  Then he has the balls to tell me that I should go shower and get ready as his mom is coming over to watch Gus while we go see some fucking drag queen at Babylon."

"You've been bombarded."

"Yeah.  I'm so fucking angry.  I remembered that whole conversation about anger and people drinking.  I don't think I drink because I'm angry but I do know I really want a drink."

As Justin listened without making any judgments or accusations, Brian appeared to calm down.

"Ted gave me these fidget things after my first meeting, he said that they help distract him.  I thought they were silly but I put one by the liquor cabinet. When I walked over there tonight, I saw it.  Instead of reaching for the bottle I reached for my phone and called you.  Not exactly sure what the hell you're going to do.  I could easily go over and pour myself a drink as we talk, not that you could really stop me."  Brian's urge to drink was strong but he figured that talking to Justin might help.  He didn't want to analyze the situation too much.  He wasn't one to ask for help but he recognized the need to reach out tonight or he would have most likely finished the entire bottle of Beam that was in his liquor cabinet.

"I'm glad you called.  You made the right choice."

"Explain to me how talking to you is the right choice,"  Brian's voice was slightly agitated; he appeared to be escalating again.

"You had a choice between drinking or calling me.  You made a conscious decision not to drink.  If you want to work the program, you need to make the choice not to drink."

"So... Are you the fucking equivalent of an angel on my shoulder?" The image made Brian smile when he thought about Justin as a small angel sitting on his shoulder.  "Whispering in my ear, you don't want to drink.  You don't want to drink."

Justin smiled at the image, remembering the various cartoons and shows he'd seen through the years with those images.  He'd never thought of himself as an angel and the depiction was amusing.

"No, Brian.  I'm not your conscience. I'm here to listen to you and to help you.  One of AA's prime principals is that we accept that we cannot do this alone.  There is a higher power that we sometimes need.  I know you don't believe in G-d and we talked about that issue.  Basically, it means that we realize that willpower alone is not enough to stop drinking."

"So what do I do now?"  Brian hated this back and forth, but he realized that just hearing Justin's voice and accepting that he was in his corner was actually helping.

"What do you want to do?"

"Justin....  If I fucking knew that, I wouldn't have called you. Quit your mumbo jumbo and tell me what I should do so I don't take a drink.  That bottle of Beam in the cabinet is really calling my name."

Justin took a deep breath.  This was probably one of the most important conversations he was going to have with Brian.  If Brian failed and took a drink, he would really question the value of AA and Justin's sponsorship.  He'd seen many people through the last year and watched their struggles and listened to their stories.  Time and time again people shared their breakthrough moment and he was always inspired by their stories.  He had been there and done that, now was his chance to help another person succeed in this difficult journey.

"Brian, Gus is there.  Right?  You said you were going to have him tonight.  That's why you went to the meeting in the afternoon?"

"Yeah, Gus is here."

"You said you want to stop drinking because of Gus."

"Right."

"Do you want to drink knowing Gus is in the other room?"

The question stopped Brian in his tracks.  While Gus was unlikely to wake up, he usually slept soundly, if Brian started to drink he would most likely drink the entire contents of the bottle.  He'd done that more times that he could count.  He'd start drinking and his next memory would be that the bottle was empty.  Unfortunately, there were way too many times where he just grabbed another bottle in an attempt to stop his brain from thinking about whatever situation he was dealing with at the time. He didn't want Gus to wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning and find him sprawled out on the couch where he passed out from the alcohol.

"No.  He's seen me drink a few beers at his soccer game or have a beer at Deb's but, he's never seen me passed out on the couch.  The way I feel right now, I'm pretty certain that he would find me here in the morning, passed out after drinking a bottle or two.  That is not a sight I ever want him to see."

When Brian said the words out loud, he looked toward his bedroom, saw the sleeping innocent child in the middle of the bed and the urge to open the liquor cabinet lessened.  He never wanted to hurt that little boy and he would do everything in his power to not cause him pain.  He did not want him to ever see his father drunk or hear about some horrible accident that was a result of his drinking. 

"Gus shouldn't grow up with a drunk for a father.  If he weren't here I'd probably already be through at least half that bottle of Beam, but I won't do that to him.  I won't have him wake up to his father passed out in the living room,"  Brian said.  Justin could hear the resolve in Brian's voice, but he also heard something else, but he wasn't sure what it was. 

Deciding to take a chance, he asked, " You said your father was an alcoholic and your mom drank a lot as well.  I take it that you found them passed out on more than one occasion?"

Brian said, "My dad was a mean drunk.  He would come home from the union hall almost every night and he was usually drunk.  I'd be watching tv or sitting on the couch; it didn't matter because my presence always made him angry.  He would hit me for some random indiscretion that only he knew about.  Sometimes I'd stay in my room in the evenings so he didn't see me, but he often times went there to find me so that he could hit me.  If he passed out after doling out my punishment for some unknown transgression, I don't have any idea.  I never went looking for him, staying clear to lick my wounds as it were."  The words came out of Brian as if he were telling about someone else's experience as if they didn't happen to him.  It was like he was an observer in the family's home and not a participant.  There was little emotion shared. 

"As for my mother,  I never saw her passed out either.  She was always drinking Sherry to calm her nerves. She was probably always a little tipsy.  Sort of hair of the dog thing.  I imagine she has never been really sober.  She just didn't drink into oblivion.   Not sure pops did either, but he was a mean drunk and I tried to stay out of his path."

"I'm sorry you had such difficult parents," Justin said, getting a glimpse into Brian's past and some knowledge of his drinking behavior. 

"Sorry's bullshit.  No apologies.  No regrets,"  Brian said, using one of his mottos. 

"Ouch.  So you have no regrets in your life?" Justin asked, wondering how anyone could go through life without wanting a few ‘do overs'.

"Doesn't do anyone any good.  You can't change the past and think about the crap that happened that can't be changed is just wasted thought."

"So wrapping your car around a tree is not something you regret?" Justin asked, trying to help this man and understand how his mind worked.

"No reason to waste thoughts on wishing it didn't happen.  Besides, it finally gave me the reason to stop drinking.  If this AA shit works, I won't regret wrapping my car around a tree.  My kid will never have to worry that he is taking his life in his hands any time he's with his old man; and I won't have to worry if I managed to balance the number of drinks that I had at his soccer game with my ability to safely navigate the road back to his house."

"So do you still want that drink?"

Brian did a quick check on his thoughts and realized that he didn't feel that overwhelming need to drown them in liquor. "No, I think I'm good.  Gus means more to me than the liquor in the cabinet."

"Good.  I'm glad I could help," Justin said, a small smile coming across his face as he realized he might really be able to help Brian, be a successful sponsor.  He already could tell from the few conversations they had in the last week that this man was complex and it appeared that he used alcohol to deal with difficult situations rather than face unpleasantness.  True, every alcoholic he'd ever met had a ton of emotional baggage as did most people.  The key was unraveling the baggage and discovering new ways to handle the uncomfortable parts of your life.

"Are you coming to the meeting tomorrow night or are you going to a different one earlier in the day?  If I remember correctly, you said you usually have Gus during the day on Saturday, but tomorrow will be different.  Doesn't he have something to do?"

Brian's first thought was to bristle at the question. After all, Justin was not his keeper; he didn't need to account to anyone about his plans or whereabouts.  If he didn't know better, it almost sounded like Mikey and his constant desire to know Brian's every move and commitment.  But he recognized the question for what it was, a way to change the topic and to offer something for Brian to look forward to and another chance to work the program. 

"Tomorrow night works.  After tonight I still don't think my presence at Babylon or Woody's is a good idea.  I might even be willing to be talked into tasting more than the coffee at the place down the street," Brian said tongue in cheek.  He realized he was actually looking forward to the meeting since he was fairly certain Justin was planning on being there. He still wanted to get into the man's pants, but his desire to do so had lessened in the week.  He was beginning to see that sex would complicate the situation and he could get his dick sucked anytime by anyone.  He was still very leery sharing his turmoils with people, but he was beginning to trust Justin to have his back. 

"Okay.  I'll see you tomorrow night."  There was a brief moment of silence and Justin added, "And Brian, I really am glad you called.  Have a good rest of your evening."

Brian heard the click on the phone, signaling that Justin had disconnected the call.  Brian looked toward the liquor cabinet, checking to be sure he really was over the strong desire to drink himself into oblivion and was somewhat surprised to feel that the urge was gone.  He would have to be lying to himself to think that he did not want a drink, but the almost uncontrollable urge to drown in a bottle was gone.  Glancing at Gus asleep on the bed, he whispered a quiet, "Thank you."

It was too early for him to retire, so he clicked on the TV, flipped the channels until he found  Rebel Without a Cause, and watched the movie. As the movie played, he allowed his mind to wander, not focusing on any area in particular.  Thoughts of Gus, Lindsay, Ted, Mikey, Blake, his accident, his first AA meetings, the call to Justin tonight all flitted in and out of his consciousness. 

When the movie was over, he yawned, realizing that he was actually tired.  As he readied himself for bed, he was taken slightly aback when he acknowledged that up until a few weeks ago, he often collapsed into bed, often due to inebriation rather than fatigue.  He was intrigued that he was beginning to hear the signals from his body, recognizing hunger, fatigue and even a little anxiety.  Deciding that this was something to examine at another time, he got into bed and went to sleep. 

TBC

Saturday morning Gus and Brian went to the diner for breakfast.  He hoped that Deb wouldn't be working to start the queer inquisition regarding his absence from Babylon, Woody's and her son's life.  He was sure that Michael's laments regarding Brian's failure to spend time with him would be the topic of choice for Debbie.  Debbie frequently felt the need to intervene and give her opinion where it was not wanted or needed.  Brian didn't feel compelled to explain his whereabouts to anyone, except perhaps Justin.  Justin expected him at meetings and he knew that he really needed to attend them.  Even if Justin expected his attendance, he doubted Justin would make a big fuss if he failed to show up to a meeting.  He might not be willing to continue their sponsorship if he felt that Brian was not working the program, but he didn't think that one missed meeting would result in the end of Justin's willingness to help him. 

"Dad.  Dad.  What are you going to have for breakfast?" Gus asked for the second time.  Brian was usually pretty attentive to Gus but Gus saw he was obviously thinking about something else as he had called his name and Brian had not responded.

"Oh," he looked at Gus and then Debbie. "I'll have the egg white omelet and wheat toast, dry."

Debbie smiled and nodded her head.  "Gus, honey.  I doubt your Dad even really needs to be asked what he will have for breakfast.  It never changes." she said as she wrote down his order.  "I'll get you your milk and your Dad some coffee."  She hurried off to place their order and Gus turned toward Brian.

"You're a million miles away.  What's up, Dad?"

"Just thinking about your Grandma Deb.  I'm hoping she doesn't start in on me about why I haven't been hanging out with Michael.  I wasn't really happy that he volunteered for her to come over last night and I really don't want to talk to her about it."

"Okay," Gus said, thinking there was more to the conversation but wasn't going to push his Dad.  "Can we go to the store and buy me some new cleats?  My old ones are just about shot and when I ask the moms they just complain that they just bought me new ones a few months ago."

While the statement was innocent enough, it made Brian angry.  He gave Lindsay plenty of money so that she could buy Gus things like new cleats but Gus frequently asked him to buy those items.  He often wondered what happened to the money he gave her for Gus.  He wasn't going to put Gus in the middle.  He had plenty of money and was more than happy to buy the items for him, but it angered him that Gus had to ask as a result of his moms balking at the higher priced ticket items. Maybe he would confront Lindsay, but first, he had to feel confident in his sobriety.  He was pretty certain the conversation would make him angry and he was beginning to wonder if being angry made him want to drink. 

"Sure.  We can go to buy you some cleats.  Anything else you need?  We've got some time this morning.  Your party isn't until 2:00, so we've got plenty of time," Brian said, already feeling the disappointment in not having his son all day. 

He only kept him one night and one full day the second week of the month.  The other weekends, he usually either had him on Saturday or Sunday.  He knew that it was not Gus' fault that he got invited to a birthday party on their weekend.  Maybe he could ask if Lindsay would be willing to let him have Gus again next weekend. She had offered, but he declined.  Now, he was having second thoughts. 

Ted had said he needed to develop new interests and spending time with his son was always something he enjoyed.  He thought about increasing his overnights with Gus to more than once a month.  The more he thought about the possibility, the more he found it intriguing.  He knew he sometimes worked on Saturday, but he could just as easily move his work to Sunday. He would just have to ensure that he would not encroach on his staff if he chose to work a different day.  They were very loyal to him, but seven day work weeks were beyond realistic expectations, even for him. 

Since hanging out at Babylon and Woody's was currently off the table for the foreseeable future, he needed something to distract him.  Well, Gus wasn't a distraction and he was currently going to AA on Friday night.  That would mean that if he had Gus, he wouldn't be able to attend AA.  There were too many what-ifs to contemplate at this moment, but he put it in the back of his mind to think about in the future. 

After a few hours of shopping, they bought Gus' new cleats and Brian also purchased him some new clothing.  He hated that Lindsay bought Gus' clothes at Target and even sometimes at the second-hand store.  She could afford to buy him clothes from more upscale places.  He understood why she didn't buy him clothing from Armani, but the second-hand store was just an insult.  He was sure that the kids at school gave him grief about that. He really didn't need anyone giving his kid more difficulty than he already had.  Having two moms and a gay dad was sufficient reason for kids to goad him; he didn't need to be dressed like some street urchin.  He added that to the list of things he wanted to talk to Lindsay about.  He briefly wondered if he had neglected to have these talks to avoid the discomfort they caused him. 

This was another thing he put in the back of his mind to think about at a later time.  Sobriety was causing him to really look at a lot in his life.  He wasn't sure if he liked that or not, but for now, he accepted that his life was already changing. As the thought bounced around in his mind he began to notice a small pattern to his life.  He was putting off a lot of things until he was comfortable with his sobriety.  Maybe this was supposed to happen.  He filed it in the ask Justin section of his mind as he refused to spend more time contemplating future conversations when he needed to concentrate on the one right in front of him.

"Let's try out those new cleats," Brian said.  It was just before noon and he didn't have to have Gus home until 2:00.  They could kick the ball around for an hour or so and then he'd take him home.  This would give him plenty of time to eat lunch, clean up and get to the party.

"Sure, Dad.  Maybe we can practice my dribbling skills."

They drove to the park and Brian got his soccer cleats and the soccer ball out of his car.  Gus and he often went to the park and practiced when they were together so he had gotten used to keeping the gear in his car.  He had an extra pair of sweats and workout shirt too but decided that he wasn't going to be playing hard today so left those in the trunk.  He'd been wearing jeans so while they were not ideal to play soccer, they would suffice for the little bit of workout he and Gus would have.

"Sonny boy, the key to good dribbling is to use the inside of your foot, not your toes.  The only time you use your toes is to actually kick the ball to shoot a goal."  Brian dropped the ball on the ground demonstrating using the inside of his foot to move the ball down the field.  He passed the ball to Gus and he tried to imitate the moves. 

"Good.  Now let's run down the field and pass the ball back and forth between us."

Gus and Brian made several runs up and down the field passing the ball between them.  Brian was in great shape having never stopped working out and he was barely warm from their impromptu practice.  He passed the ball to Gus and said, "Okay.  You practice and I'll watch. It's a little hard to give you pointers as I'm dribbling the ball down the field."

They spent an hour at the park and then Brian took him home.  Lindsay greeted them at the door, smiling but her tone was anything but happy.

"Brian, he has a birthday party to go to this afternoon.  I told you that," she said.  She eyed Gus up and down seeing that he really needed a shower before he went to the party.  "Gus, go upstairs and shower.  Be quick.  We have to leave for the party in less than half an hour."  She waved her hand, pointing toward the stairs.  "Brian, he can't go to a party smelling like a locker room.  Why didn't you bring him home earlier?  He'll be late to the party."

"You told me to have him here by 2:00.  It's before 2:00.  If you wanted him earlier, you should have said so.  I'm not a mind reader.  I hate being late and you of all people should know that."  He put his forefinger up to the bridge of his nose, unconsciously pushing away the anger and pain he was starting to feel.  "I'll see you tomorrow at Debbie's."  He didn't wait for her response, just turned and walked toward his car. 

Looking at the ugly rental, he drove toward the closest car dealer.  He might as well make good use of his unexpected free time.  Since he had returned to work instead of spending the time having coffee with Justin, he had managed to get most of his work done before he left to pick up Gus.  Getting a new vehicle would serve many purposes.  It would stop him from driving that ugly ass rental.  It would also lessen the likelihood that the rest of the gang would finally notice that he was still driving the rental.  He was still surprised that the "family" hadn't questioned him more regarding the rental.  Maybe his reticence to talk about things going on in his life actually paid off in this situation.

Avoiding talking to his family was a familiar habit.  Since he didn't share the daily minutiae with his friends, he hadn't really shared anything about his accident.  Of course, Ted knew since he was his accountant and had to deal with all the insurance crap, but yesterday no one in the family even knew about it. Thankfully they were all so involved in their petty lives that no one really paid attention to the fact that he was not driving his Jeep.  It also saved him from mindless chatter about trivial things like which celebrity star he would rather sleep with.  Since he could pretty well sleep with anyone he chose, he always found those discussions a waste of time.  But now as he attended more AA meetings and had a few short conversations with Justin, he was beginning to realize that talking was going to be a necessary component of his efforts to maintain sobriety.  He was certain he wanted to maintain sobriety, he just wasn't 100% sold on the whole talking and spilling his inner thoughts to a stranger.  Hell, if truth be told, he wasn't thrilled about spilling his inner thoughts to anyone, stranger or not. 

He arrived at the car dealership and picked out his new vehicle.  Thankfully as a result of Kinnetik's prosperity, he never worried about the price tag of items; he just bought what he wanted.  He ticked off the accessories that were essential and the salesperson located a vehicle that met his needs.   Brian contacted the rental agency and was told he could return the car until 5:00 pm that day.  He made arrangements with the dealership and rental agency for the logistics of delivering both vehicles and drove to the dealership to drop off the car.  He called Ted to take care of the insurance for the new vehicle.  By 6:00 he had his new vehicle and about an hour until the AA meeting started.

He realized he missed lunch and hopefully, Debbie would no longer be working.  Gus and he had been at the diner around 8:30 this morning, therefore unless she was working a double shift, she would be long gone.  Since she had started seeing that cop, she was less likely to work a double shift.  Thoughts of Debbie dating made him shiver and shake his head.  Even though she wasn't his mother, it was like she was his parent and no adult wanted to ever think of his parent dating.  He walked into the diner and looked around.  Thankfully he had hit the eatery at just the right time.  Too late for those folks grabbing something as they shopped on the avenue but way too early for anyone to be eating before going to the clubs.  The clubs didn't start hopping until 10:00 at the earliest so 6:00 was way too early to be hanging around Liberty Avenue in your club ware. 

Briefly, he thought about what he would typically be doing on a Saturday night at 6:00 and realized he would usually be finishing up his visit with Gus.  Since he only had Gus overnight one night a month, the other weekends he would pick him up before breakfast and return him after dinner.  They would have almost 12 hours together.  He realized that usually, he would drop Gus off, visit with Lindsay for maybe 30 minutes and then he often hit the treadmill for an hour or so before getting ready to go to Babylon. He often indulged Gus by eating carb-laden foods and felt the need to work off some of those calories.  He'd go home, run 45 minutes to an hour, shower, and then head to Babylon.  Depending on his mood, he might hit Woody's and then go to Babylon.  But Babylon on Saturday night was sacrosanct and he realized he hadn't been there in almost 2 weeks nor was he likely to go for a while.  He realized as the weeks progressed, he was going to have to tell the family something, but he really didn't know what he would tell them. The truth seemed a little bit unbelievable and he still wasn't convinced that the support of his "friends" would be what he needed to remain sober.

He picked up the menu and while he knew it by heart, he took a few minutes to peruse it, determining he would have meatloaf for dinner.  It came with mashed potatoes which were far better than fries and a salad.  The salad lacked any nutritional value, being mostly iceberg lettuce and a few measly croutons, but it was better than eating corn or wilted green beans that hadn't seen the garden in way too many days.  As he waited for his food he started thinking of his day and the many times he recognized anger, fear, and happiness.  He'd never really stopped to think about his feelings and wasn't really too keen on the idea that sobriety was pushing him toward that recognition.  He wondered if Justin would ask him about their phone call?  He wasn't sure he wanted to talk about that either.  Deciding he was thinking too damn much, he pulled out his phone and clicked on the internet, going to Forbes to read the latest business news. 

As he was finishing his dinner, Emmett came in and started to sit down in the booth.  Brian looked up from his phone and glared at the interloper.

"No Gus?" Emmett asked.

Brian was somewhat taken aback by the question, not realizing that anyone ever noticed that Gus was usually with him on a Saturday night.

"Gus is at home with his mommies.  Evidently, birthday party trumps dad time," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

"Oh.  No Gus, that means you can come shoot some pool later on and then join us at Babylon.  Michael is right, it has been ages since we've seen you. Where have you been keeping yourself?"

Brian felt a cold shiver go through his body.  It was the same feeling he felt as a child when his father would find him in his room at night.  He would curl himself into as small a ball as possible and then lay perfectly still under the covers, hoping that he would be fooled that Brian was not there.  Unfortunately, his father wasn't fooled and often threw the covers off of him, yanked him out of bed and slapped him around a bit.  Usually, his father had some bizarre reason in his head why Brian deserved a thrashing, but it didn't matter if there was a reason or not.  Brian remembered that feeling, and now hated the simple question that brought back the undesired chill that ran over his body.

Emmett looked at his friend and saw the deer in the headlights look in his eyes.  He was fairly certain that Brian did not realize he was doing this.

"No can do, Honeycutt."

Emmett did not bother correcting Brian's referring to him by his last name.  Emmett felt there was something going on and he wanted to help.

"Brian, are you sick?  Is Kinnetik in trouble?  What is going on?  You can tell me.  I'll not tell a soul," Emmett urged as he made a zipping motion across his lips.

Brian looked around the diner.  It was practically empty and they were sitting in the back of the establishment.  He toyed with the idea of telling Emmett.  Emmett could keep a secret, despite his tendency to gossip.  There had been times in their lives where he had sworn Emmett to secrecy and Emmett had kept his word. 

Emmett wasn't like Michael, swearing to keep someone's trust and blabbing the information within half an hour.  If you wanted some news spread on Liberty Avenue, all you had to do was to tell Michael.  While Michael professed to be his best friend, he knew that was no longer the case.  Just a quick review of the last 24 hours and Michael's barging into his life not once, but twice as he insisted that Brian join him solidified his thoughts on the subject. On the other hand, Emmett had kept his confidence on several occasions.  He knew that he would eventually have to tell his "family" about his journey and maybe Emmett could help him deflect their attention.

Brian looked around one last time ensuring that no one was in hearing distance.  Still feeling unsafe telling Emmett here, he said, "Okay, but not here.  Let's take a quick walk outside and then I have to go."

Emmett was intrigued and somewhat surprised by Brian's request.  Thoughts of double agents and secret service quickly raced through his mind but then he inwardly grinned that Brian would never pass a security clearance. With as many men that crossed his threshold in a week, he was a huge security risk.  Maybe he had witnessed a murder or a robbery and now he was in hiding.  That made sense.  Emmett rubbed his hands together in anticipation of the juicy story of how Brian Kinney was hiding from thugs. 

Brian watched Emmett and wondered if he was making the right choice, but decided he needed someone else on his side.  Ted and Blake were great but they were a little quiet for him, whereas Emmett's flame burned bright and it was actually something Brian admired.  Emmett, like Brian, knew who he was and didn't attempt to hide in the crowd.  While Ted knew he was gay, he did not push the agenda.  Brian's motto, "If I'm not fucking you, then it's not your concern." was more in line with his personality.  Brian paid his bill and the two men walked out of the diner.  They walked a few blocks in silence; Brian making certain that no one he knew was in earshot.

Brian took a deep breath and said,  "I'm an alcoholic and I've been attending AA meetings."

Emmett stopped in his tracks and looked at Brian.  "Okay."  They continued to walk.

TBC

"You're an alcoholic," Emmett said, trying to keep his voice in a normal tone.  He wanted to stop and look at his friend, see his face, look for any obvious differences.  He wanted to hug him and provide comfort but knew that would be unacceptable.  He wanted to ask him what had happened, why did he think he was an alcoholic?  He knew Brian drank like a fish and took drugs like they were candy, but this behavior was not new.  In the 12 years that Emmett had known him, Brian had always been liked that. But he didn't stop, didn't turn his head to see if Brian had any visible changes, didn't start asking what had happened, instead he waited for Brian to continue talking. 

Emmett and Brian continued to walk down the street, stopping at crosswalks and waiting for the signal to alert them it was okay to walk across.  As they walked several blocks and he waited for Brian to add to his statement, Emmett thought about Brian. Brian was not one to share many intimate details of his life. Emmett realized that Brian often listened to the conversations of the "gang" rather than actively participate.  He was very protective of his private life.  Thinking about his friend, he admitted to himself that he really knew very little about Brian's activities away from work and Babylon.  Did he have hobbies or interests?  Did he like to travel for fun or just business?  What about his family?  Emmett realized Brian never talked about any of those things.  He started questioning what type of friend he was if he didn't know those basic things about Brian. 

When Brian had not talked for several blocks, Emmett realized he would have to be the one to continue the conversation.  He asked, "You're staying away from Babylon and Woody's to avoid temptation?"

"Smart man," Brian said, still feeling like he was ripping the Band-Aid off a particularly painful wound.  Justin was already pushing him to share and talk about his feelings.  He wasn't certain if he was ready to do that with other people in his life. 

Emmett really wanted to start asking Brian all the questions going through his mind but recognized Brian's short answers as the way Brian was handling the disclosure but keeping his persona intact.  "If you're not going to Woody's, what are you doing?" He hoped this question would give him just a little insight into Brian's interests.  Once he knew those, he could suggest the two of them do something together. 

Brian frowned, balking at revealing that he was attending AA meetings but realized that he was going to have to disclose that information too.  He silently damned his reckless driving that resulted in wrapping his car around a tree.  If it hadn't been for doing that, he wouldn't be in this situation.   He stopped short of going down that road of ‘what ifs' when he realized that it wasn't reckless driving that caused the accident; it was his inebriated state.  He was the sole cause of the accident and he should be thankful that no one was injured in the aftermath. 

"I go to AA meetings every night. And then I find a trick, get my dick sucked and go to bed.  Being sober has one benefit.  I get to the office a lot earlier," Brian said tongue in cheek, trying to put a little levity into the conversation.  He was not about to admit that he was using an app to find said tricks. Brian Kinney did not need any help in getting his sexual needs met.

Emmett's first impulse was to offer a quick retort along the lines of Brian recognizing what was important, his tricks, but bit his tongue.  Brian trusted him with this very sensitive information, and he wanted to show Brian that he appreciated his willingness to share.

"Does Ted know?"  Emmett remembered how Brian helped his friend by offering him a job when he got out of rehab and since that time, Ted had appeared to have a special bond with him.

"Yes. And now, so do you.  No one else knows and I hope you can keep your promise of not saying anything," Brian said, his voice as steely and firm as he could make it. 

Emmett made a zipping motion with his fingers across his lips.  "Can I do anything?"  Emmett knew the answer before he asked.  Brian Kinney did not ask for help, but he still felt the need to offer.

"Just keep your mouth shut," Brian said, wondering what insanity passed over him to tell his secret to the biggest gossip on Liberty Avenue.  Brian grabbed his phone from his pocket and looked at the time.  "I have to go."

Emmett asked, "Headed to a meeting?" 

"Yes."  Brian placed his phone back in his pocket, turned back toward the diner and walked to his car.  He did not wait for Emmett to catch up to him and Emmett stood on the sidewalk for a few minutes as he gathered his thoughts.   He wanted to go talk to Teddy, his friend and evidently the only other person that knew the truth about Brian's whereabouts, but he decided that he needed to think on things before he spoke, even to his friend Ted.

Brian got in his car, thinking about the last 36 hours.  During that time, he had been pushed by Michael twice to join him at Babylon and his friend had difficulty accepting his "no" response.  Michael had gone as far as soliciting his mother to come to watch Gus so Brian could join him at Babylon. Lindsay, the mother of his child became all solicitous when he told her about his wrecked car and then got angry when he brought Gus back on time, but dirty and needing a shower.  He'd spent some quality time with his son but almost took a drink to deal with all the crap he'd been handed during the day.  He'd called his sponsor and Justin had successfully talked him down, but he wondered if he'd be headed toward a meeting if he had taken the drink.  And now, to top off all the other shit, in a moment of weakness, for surely, he would never have admitted his activities otherwise, he told Emmett he was attending AA. 

His mind wandered back and forth but never came to any conclusions or plans of action.  It was just a jumbled mess of half-thoughts and ideas.  He spotted Justin as soon as he walked in the room and sat beside him. 

"Hey," Justin said, greeting Brian with a casual voice.  He wondered if he should bring up the call from last night but decided that was a bad idea.  If Brian wanted to talk, he would.  From the interactions they'd had up to this point, Brian did not appear to be the touchy-feely type. In fact, he was on the other extreme of the spectrum.  Brian did not like to share, and it appeared that it was difficult for him to talk about things of substance.  Justin knew he was going to have to push Brian and accepted he was going to have to move Brian out of his comfort zone if he were to embrace his sobriety.

"Hi," Brian said in return.  He could feel the muscles in his back, tight and stiff from all that had happened in the last day.  Combining all the events and his thoughts on the drive to the meeting, he understood why he was tense. As he sat down next to Justin, he exhaled, releasing some of the tension in his body.   He didn't want to think about the release, but his mind told him that it was a form of relief.  He'd made it through another day and especially through last night.  Last night was the first time he wanted to drink, and he successfully navigated that landmine. 

Before Justin could start a conversation, the moderator called for everybody's attention.  Today's topic was living one day at a time.  The moderator started by talking about holding on to yesterday's events and how that was counterproductive to sobriety. 

"There is a fine line we have to walk.  We want to understand our reasons for drinking and eliminate our excuses, but we also must accept that our choice to drink or not to drink is a constant decision that we make every moment of every day.  We must be honest with ourselves; we're not fooling anyone.  We must work hard at examining our lives and the choices we make but ultimately the drink is just around the corner, or in our desk drawer, or at the next party.  We have to decide that drinking is not our choice for today," the moderator said, finishing his opening speech.  He was a tall man who appeared to be in his mid-50s.  His chiseled face was lined with crow's feet around his eyes and the smile lines around his mouth were filled with deep creases.  He was dressed in a blue pullover shirt and jeans and appeared to be in good shape having no beer belly.  Brian looked at him and decided that he did not look like an alcoholic but stopped himself as he passed that judgment when he realized that most people would not pin that label on him either.  Looking around the small circle of people, he saw many participants nod their head in agreement with the moderator's words.

"I'm Jaclyn.  When I first started coming to meetings, I thought someone would be asking me about my past.  You know, the typical picture of psychoanalysis.  But I realized that my past was my past and what I really needed to work on was my present and future.  I needed to figure out what I wanted my life to be like today and tomorrow and the next day, not remind myself what it was like yesterday or last week.  I couldn't change what happened last week, but I could influence what happened tonight or tomorrow."  The woman who had spoken sat next to Brian and was soft spoken.  She too was dressed in jeans.  She appeared to Brian to be younger than the moderator as she did not have any of the tell-tell signs of aging like crow's feet or laugh lines.  She also wore her hair in a ponytail, appearing to Brian as if she had just come from the gym.

Justin chose to speak next.  "I was really ashamed of my behavior when I started coming to meetings.  I didn't want to admit to all my faults and to the terrible way I behaved when I drank.  I realized that I couldn't change my actions from the past, but I could definitely choose not to repeat them.  I talked to my sponsor on many occasions regarding my guilt and shame and he kept reminding me that I needed to accept the things I could not change.  I can't turn back time, but I could manage the present.  I learned that I had to live today, not yesterday."

Brian listened to all the speakers, trying to absorb their information.  The common theme was living in the here and now.  He could choose to be angry at Mikey and he could do that, but he needed to decide if he would let his anger control his desire to drink.  He'd never really thought about drinking and its connection to his mood.  He just drank as a matter of course. When the last speaker finished talking, the moderator reminded everyone to support AA and support each other.  He also stated that there was coffee in the back and to stay as long as they wanted but reminded them that the community center was having an event for their high school students and it started at 9:00. 

Brian stood and walked toward the coffee station, waiting in line for his turn at the large urn.  Grabbing two sugars he tore the packets, dumping their contents into his Styrofoam cup and then filled it with coffee.  Stepping aside for the next person, he waited for Justin to grab his cup and then the two of them walked to the corner of the room.  Brian took a sip of his coffee and grimaced. "Crap, that is awful.  Why didn't you remind me that the coffee tastes like last month's grinds?" he asked Justin.

Justin smiled and said, "I thought you would remember since we just talked about it."

Brian nodded in agreement.  Walking over to the trash can he dumped the cup and motioned for Justin to do the same.  "Let's get real coffee at that diner."

"Sure," Justin said as he dumped his coffee in the trash as well.  "Walk or drive?"

Brian was less unsure tonight than he had been a week ago.  After a week of meetings, he was beginning to see that there might be legitimacy in the AA program.  He wasn't so skittish and skeptical, so he said, "Walk."

Justin smiled and said, "Great."

They walked the few blocks toward the diner, each man thinking but not talking.  Justin decided that he really wanted to talk to Brian face to face rather than as they walked.  It was important to see someone's face to judge their true reactions.

Brian's brain decided that it should take up where it left off on the drive to the meeting; therefore, he really didn't have any complete thoughts, more like glimpses of half conversations with himself.

They were seated toward the back of the diner and both picked up the laminated menus that were nestled in the condiment corral.  After deciding what to order the waitress brought them coffee and both men prepared their beverage to their own liking.

"I saw you deep in thought at the meeting.  I really like Jeremy, he's a great speaker."

"Jeremy, so that's his name," Brian said.

"Yes.  He's been sober for 5 years and has been leading the group for about 2.  He's my sponsor."

"You have a sponsor?  I thought .... Well I'm not sure what I thought.  You just seem sure of yourself and you agreed to be my sponsor.  I never really considered that the sponsor would have a sponsor."  Brian took his spoon and stirred his coffee, even though he had just done that.

"Sure, I have a sponsor.  I have times when I still want to talk about my sobriety.  Just because I've been sober for a year doesn't mean that I don't have concerns.  Alcoholism is a disease just like diabetes.  You don't take your insulin one time and forget about it for the rest of the day.  You have to monitor your food intake, your exercise, and even your sleep.  Alcoholism is not something you treat for a day and never think of again.  You will always be an alcoholic. Right now, you are an alcoholic but hopefully, in the future, you will be in recovery and can refer to yourself as a recovering alcoholic."

"I hadn't thought about it, but I guess that makes sense," Brian said as he contemplated Justin's statement.  He took a drink from his coffee, smiling as he savored the taste. 

"I think Jeremy has some good ideas.  Last night when I called....  I really wanted the drink, but you made me think about the reason I wanted the drink.  Was I reaching because of want or was I reaching because I had a shitty day?  I think for me the answer isn't quite so clear cut.  I mean I wanted the drink but mostly I wanted it because I had a shitty day."  Brian said, surprised at his willingness to talk about the incident. 

"Reaching for the booze is your way of coping with things that make you mad.  Do you ever tell people that you are mad at them?"  Justin asked.

"No.  Why would I?  I think apologies are worthless.  You drop a plate and it breaks.  Saying you're sorry doesn't put the plate back together again.  You can't turn back time and change things so why bother with saying you're sorry."

The waitress brought Justin his sandwich and refilled Brian's coffee.  While he appeared willing to spend some time at a diner, his no carbs after 7:00 rule was still in force.

Justin cut a piece from his meatloaf, swirled it in some ketchup and ate it.  He savored the taste, concentrating on the mix of onion, garlic and some spice that he could not identify.  Brian watched him as he ate and imagined what it would be like to kiss him and savor the taste as Justin appeared to be savoring the meatloaf. He quickly pushed that thought out of his head.  He couldn't remember making a conscious decision that he wasn't going to push Justin to have sex, but somewhere in all his musings, that desire had been pushed to the wayside.  He knew that he found him attractive and would enjoy pinning him to the mattress, but he also knew that he trusted him with his sobriety.  For now, his sobriety was in the forefront and pinning him to the mattress would have to wait.  He hoped that one day he'd have that opportunity, but for now, he was fairly certain he had taken it off the table.

"Brian, people generally don't like to piss off other people, especially their friends.  If you don't tell people they have made you angry, how do you expect that they won't do it again?"  Justin was genuinely perplexed at the statement.  It seemed that Brian was just continuing to set himself up to be mad at people. No one would know that their behavior irritated him so they would assume that everything was fine.  "Have you ever thought that telling them might help you.  If people weren't pissing you off all the time, it would probably help with your anger?"

Brian stared at Justin, mulling the words that he spoke around in his mind. "I never thought about it.  I usually think people are all about what they want, and they really don't care what you want. Most of my friends could care less if I was mad or not."

Justin was unsure how to respond to that statement.  He didn't know Brian's friends and he likely would never meet them.  An idea came to him.  "I'm not here to question your friendships, but let's talk about Gus.  I know you care for him a lot; you've decided that he is the reason you are contemplating sobriety.  Don't you get mad at him sometimes?"

When he heard Gus' name, he bristled.  He didn't want his son involved in this part of his life and he resented Justin for bringing him up.  When he processed the question, he let out a breath to think.  "Sure, I get mad at him.  He's at that stage where he is always pushing the limits.  He'll be 11 in a month or so and he's definitely showing that preteen angst."

Justin was pleased that Brian admitted that he got mad at Gus; now came the critical issue as to what he did with that anger. "What do you do when you get angry at him?  Do you tell him or just ignore it?"

"I tell him.  He's my kid and I don't like being angry at him.  Besides, if he does something wrong, he needs to be told so he won't do it again," Brian said.  Listening to his response, he said, "Shit.  I expect him to tell me he's sorry and I make him tell me what he did wrong so I can be sure he understands."

"Okay.  So, you expect Gus to change his behavior?  You said that there was a friend, I think he works with you, that suggested you get a sponsor.  Do you think he would care if you were mad at him?  You seem to trust him with your sobriety issues."

"Ted.  His name is Ted and he's my accountant, but he's also a good friend.   When he was using and throwing his life in the toilet, I didn't confront him, but I did tell his boyfriend at the time to leave him.  I was pretty angry at what he was doing to his boyfriend and acted to protect him.  He works for me now and has watched me yell at the art department a time or three.  The art department knows when I'm not happy since I tell them; it is business.  I can't be silent and continue to be successful.  I have a reputation to uphold and if they aren't bringing their best to the table, they can't continue to work at my company."

Justin was pleased with the conversation.  "You do tell some people when you are angry.  Like Gus and the staff in your art department.  Does it change their behavior?" He asked, hoping to help Brian see that telling people about your anger can be productive. 

"It helps with Gus, but I often have to tell him a few times.  He is testing me to see what I will let him get away with. The art department is a little different.  Each situation is different, but they do change what they were doing in that instance; otherwise they wouldn't still be working for me."

Justin was pleased with the direction of the conversation.  "When we first started talking tonight, you said that yesterday you were having a shitty day and that was why you really wanted the drink last night."

Brian nodded his head in agreement. 

"Do you think if you had told your friend Michael that you were mad and why, it would have lessened your anger?  Do you think possibly telling Gus' mom that it made you angry when she was asking about the accident, it would have helped?"

Brian took a sip of his coffee as he thought about the question.  Shaking his head, he said, "I don't know, but I doubt it.  Michael is so self-centered that he probably would just blow it off.  He'd probably say something like, ‘You're not serious.  How could this make you mad when you know you really don't want to watch Gus.'  Lindsay is a little tougher.  I'm always worried if I piss her off, she won't let me be with Gus."

Justin hadn't expected Brian's answer.  He was hopeful that once he pointed out that Brian's anger was directly related to his drinking, he would see he needed to address his anger.  To him, the most logical way to do that was to have Brian tell people he was angry.  But life was not always easy, and that solution didn't appear to be a viable one at this time.

"I understand your fears regarding Gus, so can we go back to your friend Michael. He appears a little safer to tell."

Brian finished his coffee and contemplated waiving the waitress to their table for the check as he'd just about reached his limit for talking but decided he was willing to continue the discussion.  He wasn't sure what it was about Justin that made him willing to talk but he'd read enough of the Big Book to understand that personal support was critical in maintaining his sobriety.  He was beginning to accept that this journey was more about personal introspection and growth than just not taking a drink.  No matter how uncomfortable he was with talking and disclosing his life, it was still better than wrapping his car around another tree.   

"Yeah. Even if I told Mikey and he didn't believe me, the worst that would happen is that he'd tell Deb.  Deb would get her panties in a twist and start ragging on me, but she'd probably listen if I explained.  It's just a lot of drama and I really don't know if I want to deal with the drama."

"Deb?  Who is Deb and why would Michael tell her anything?"

"Deb is Michael's mother and perhaps the best way to describe her is she is my surrogate mom," Brian explained.   "I spent a lot of my teen years in the Novotny house and she.... Well she's the mom that everyone loves and hates.  We love her as a result of her big heart; she takes in all the lost boys, but we hate that she feels she has a right to tell us how to live our lives."

"So, telling Michael would in essence be telling Debbie and you don't want her telling you how to live your life," Justin said, trying to make sure he understood what Brian was saying.

"Right," Brian said in agreement. 

"Do you think if you told Michael you were mad; he might do something different the next time?"  Justin asked, believing that Brian would benefit from the discussion.

"I don't know.  As I said, Michael is pretty self-centered."  Brian finished his coffee and waived the waitress over to refill his cup. 

Justin indicated he wanted a refill as well.  Inwardly Justin was pleased that Brian was willing to continue their discussion.  "If Michael wouldn't accept your statements that you were mad at his behavior, do you think you have any other options?" 

"I don't understand your question.  I mean I can't change Michael's behavior.  I'm in advertising and even I know the key to success is to make the consumer think they need or want the service or product you are selling.  I do that by making it as sexy as hell.  Sex sells just about everything," Brian said, evidently very proud of his success.  Brian opened three sugar packets and poured them into his coffee, stirring the mixture with his spoon.  "I don't think I can spin Mikey not getting me mad about ‘sex'.  Even though most of the time we spend together there is an underlying current about getting laid."

"Okay.  If you don't think Michael will accept your statements because he won't think you are seriously mad, what can you do differently?  Like you said, you're in advertising.  How would you advertise to yourself?  Convince yourself that Michael's actions aren't going to get you mad."

Brian was a smart man and realized what Justin was doing.  "You're really asking how I can control my anger better.  You originally hoped that having me tell people that I was angry, it would lessen the number of times I got mad.  Since telling people that I'm mad doesn't appear to be the answer, you want me to figure out how to react differently."

Justin nodded his head in agreement.  Brian was smart and he understood what Justin was trying to do. "Yes.  Each of us has to choose how we react to an event.  Some people have car accidents and have PTSD for years while others get right back in the car the next day and drive like nothing happened."

Brian said, "It's all about what Jeremy said tonight.  You must live in the here and now; don't let having a shitty day be the reason you drink.  You make the decision to drink like you would make the decision to have a hamburger.  I can't let my desire to drink be a result of something that happened earlier in the day or 5 minutes before."  Brian picked up his coffee cup, blew over the top and took a sip. 

Justin gave him a huge smile for his efforts.  "Exactly.  Living in the moment helps lessen the desire to drink to manage our emotions.  We should talk about emotions, but I think you've had enough for tonight.  I don't want to overload you with too much."

Brian was surprised at Justin's smile.  He felt like he'd been given a gold star by the teacher.  He realized he did see Justin as his teacher and guide in this unique journey.  He'd known the man for only a week but in that short time, he'd come to respect him and look forward to their time together, even if it did not result in Brian pinning him to the mattress.  While he found him attractive and really wanted to have sex with him, tonight's revelation made him accept that for now he needed a friend more than he needed someone to suck his cock.  It was a unique perspective to spend time with a man that he wasn't going to either talk about sex or have sex with and he was actually enjoying the experience. 

"I guess it is time to call it a night.  I'm sure you have other things to do," Brian said as he waived the waitress over to provide the bill.  She brought the bill, each man paid their portion, and they walked back to their respective cars.

"See you tomorrow at the afternoon meeting?" Justin asked, remembering that Brian had a commitment on Sunday evenings. 

"Yes," Brian said.  He walked the remainder of the lot to his car and drove back to the loft. 

Usually by this time on a Saturday night, I'd be at Woody's drinking and shooting some pool.  I don't think I ever really thought if I wanted a drink; it was just there.  It was part of the package.  You go to Woody's, shoot pool and have a few beers.  Then you go to Babylon and have a few more drinks while you scope out the scene and pick up a few tricks.  Drinking is as much a part of the experience as dancing.  I guess the key is to learn to separate the two activities. 

Brian booted up his computer to the familiar web site, trolling for a trick that would meet at least one of his needs.  Quickly finding one that fit the bill, he clicked on the picture and made the necessary arrangements.  After a few rounds of barely acceptable sex and a blow job, he kicked the trick out.  He took a shower and looked at the clock, seeing it was barely 10:00 p.m.  He was still mad at Michael and didn't want to hear his whining regarding his whereabouts, so he sat on the couch, flipped on the tv and found an old James Dean movie to occupy his mind until his body was ready for sleep.

TBC

Sunday morning Brian went to the gym, completed his workout, and then worked at home for a few hours, before it was time to go to the AA meeting.  He'd been attending meetings for a week now, hardly a habit, but he found he was looking forward to the one today.  He'd told Emmett last night about his efforts toward sobriety and Michael had not been pounding on his door this morning demanding entrance and an explanation for the "crazy" idea that Brian was an alcoholic.  Evidently, Emmett could keep a secret.  Brian had expected that Emmett wouldn't share his information but there was always a small chance that he would give in to his need to gossip.

Brian thought about the repercussions of telling Emmett and having additional support in his sobriety journey.  All in all, he decided that it might be a way for him to explore a possibly deeper friendship with him. 

He acknowledged that he needed to develop some activities outside of Babylon and Woody's but the thought of hanging with Ted and Blake and listening to Opera didn't quite cut it for him.  Hopefully, Emmett had some secret hobby that Brian could explore. 

He arrived at the meeting but didn't spot Justin in the small audience.  He found a seat and sat for a few moments before taking out his phone with the purpose of texting Justin.  Before he could type in his name, Justin sat down next to him. 

"Had brunch with my agent and it ran a little long," Justin said. 

Brian didn't realize how glad he was that Justin showed up.  Before he could reply the moderator spoke.  "Hi, I'm Sheila.  Thanks for coming today.  Our topic today is love and tolerance.  What does this mean for an alcoholic?  Simply put, it means that we must learn patience and acceptance of people, even though we may be very different.  We must learn to accept ourselves and love ourselves before we can accept others.  Before I became sober, I didn't feel very connected to people.  My family had mostly washed their hands of me as a result of my constant neediness.  I was always needing help; I needed a place to crash since I used my money for alcohol instead of rent, or I needed money to pay for gas to get to work.  I was let go from so many jobs I lost count.  My bosses were tired of dealing with my everyday crises. My managers often told me that I was not worth their time and effort.  But then I landed a job that I thought could really be amazing and my boss pulled me aside to give an ultimatum; get sober or get fired.  I'd been told that message many times, but this time, for some reason, it stuck.  I became sober.  I stayed away from my family for a while, but then started contacting them just to say hi.  I didn't ask for anything and eventually they reopened their arms.  They told me how proud they were of me for getting my life in order and that they loved me.  I'm not sure they had ever told me they loved me before I was sober.  My boss continually praised my work and I got promoted.  Finally, after a long journey, I started to love myself and think I was worthy of people's love and friendship."

The other members of the group nodded their head in understanding.  They looked at each other and another member started talking.  "Hi, I'm Susan.  I used to think that everyone I worked with was stupid and incompetent.  When I got sober, I realized that there were some competent people there but since I was often hung over and miserable, I didn't notice their worth."

Brian listened and thought about his own office.  He wondered for a few moments how he might come across to his own employees.  He knew he never went to work drunk, but since he was beginning to be honest with himself, he knew that there were many times that he was very hung over when he walked in the door in the morning. He imagined that some employees had opinions about their boss coming to work hung over. 

A man who appeared to be in his early 30's spoke next.  "I had few friends when I was drinking.  I thought I had a lot of friends, but then I realized that my friends only wanted to be around me because I was the one who usually bought the booze," Peter said. He was clean shaven and well dressed.  "When I got sober, many of them never called or came by to hang out."

Brian thought Peter looked like some type of manager at a bank.  He stopped himself when he realized that he was doing exactly what the speaker had been talking about.  He was judging people without getting to know them.  Maybe there was some merit in the not judging department.  He thought about his relationship with Michael and how Michael frequently told him about his vision for Brian.  ‘You're the stud of Liberty Avenue. You'll always be young and beautiful.'  Brian wondered if he had just allowed Michael to feed him this line as a result of Michael's own insecurities.  Was Michael hanging out with him and living vicariously?  Brian put those questions in his ‘to think about file'.  It seemed that there were more ideas in the file since he'd begun his journey into sobriety.  He was examining his life, his friends, and his activities.  He heard Justin's voice and tuned back into the meeting.

"Hi, I'm Justin. I agree that an important part of the journey is loving yourself.  When my dad kicked me out of the house for being gay, I didn't think I was worthy.  I drowned my feelings in a bottle of Vodka.  When I was drunk, I thought everybody liked me," Justin said.

Brian knew Justin was gay; Justin had turned him down when he wanted to have sex with him at their first meeting.  He had a difficult time thinking Justin was unworthy as in the short time he'd known him he'd been able to get Brian to open up and share information about his life. Justin appeared very capable of holding his own in the sobriety department and at this point in Brian's life, that was worthy in and of itself.

"Hi, I'm Karen.  I used to look in the mirror in the morning and see my bloodshot eyes and pallid skin and ask myself why I did this to my body.  I would then have a little conversation with myself that nobody really cared about me so why should I care about myself.  Then one day I collapsed at work, Pancreatitis."

Murmurs of "oh" and "mmm" were heard around the circle. 

"Landed me in the hospital and they called my daughter, my emergency contact.  When she got there, she told me that she was pregnant and wanted me to be there for my grandchild but if I continued to drink that wasn't going to happen.  She told me she loved me and wanted me around.  I realized that I was wanted and that I could be an important person in my daughter and grandchild's life.  That was 5 years ago. Now I have a wonderful granddaughter who loves me and a family that I now spend time with regularly," Karen said as she looked around the small circle and smiled at the members who were smiling back while nodding their heads at the positive story.

A few more people shared their take on the topic and Brian sat and listened.  Each person who told their story seemed to feel that their lives were better and that their relationships with people had improved once they stopped drinking.  The more he listened, the more his brain went down multiple paths as he explored his own life.

"Thank you for coming.  Enjoy the rest of the weekend. As always coffee is in the back and I hope to see everyone next week.  Remember, sobriety is a way of life and we have only one life to live," Sheila said.

Brian and Justin walked back to the coffee station and each prepared a Styrofoam cup of coffee.  Without any words, they walked to a corner where they were away from the group.

"A big part of recovery is sharing your thoughts and experiences.  You haven't said anything in the group since the first day when you told your story," Justin said.  He blew on his coffee, hoping to cool it down enough so he could take a sip.

"I have so many thoughts running through my head, I can't seem to finish one.  I get these thoughts and when I start to follow it to its conclusion, another thought pops up, then when I try to follow it, a third one pops up," Brian said. 

"Even if you can't finish the thought, it's still good to share your experiences in the group.  Just talking about events helped me make sense of things in my life," Justin said, and then took a tentative sip of his coffee.  "I do love a good cup of coffee and I think if there was a universal drink, it would be coffee."  Justin smiled and motioned toward the door.  "It's a nice day, do you want to take a short walk?  I often find that talking is easier if I'm doing something else."

Brian looked at the clock on the wall and saw the time was 3:15. "Sure, I've already been to the gym and I don't have to be at Deb's until 5:00."

They walked outside waiting to talk until they were clear of the group. 

"I was watching you during the meeting today and saw you nodding your head in agreement with a lot of the speakers.  From what you've told me, I think you identified with many of the stories," Justin said, not wanting to ask about a specific situation.  He hoped Brian would take the ball and run with it if he couched it in this manner.

"Yeah, I did.  I think I identified with almost all of them.  I never got Pancreatitis and my dad didn't kick me out of the house because I was gay, but the other stories, yeah, some of them hit home.  Actually, the part about coming out to my father; that would have been hard to do since I didn't tell him until he was dying. He told me it should have been me dying.  Great guy, wasn't he?"

"That's terrible," Justin said, unable to imagine someone telling him that he should be dying instead of themselves.

"My father was a drunk and he used to use me as his personal punching bag.  I left home when I graduated high school."  Brian frowned and while Justin was walking next to him, he caught the grimace in the corner of his eye.

"There's more to that story," Justin said, encouraging Brian to share information about his early life.  He hoped that sharing would help him see some patterns that he could point out to Brian.  He wanted to help Brian in his journey but needed to understand more of his history to help him identify his triggers for drinking.

"The whole love and acceptance are a hard pill to swallow when you're used as a punching bag and money machine."  Brian stopped as they had come to a crosswalk and the light was red.  The streets were not very busy since it was Sunday but there were enough cars that he wasn't going to disobey the traffic signal.

"Peter made a comment about friends and buying booze. Well, I must be the poster child for that con.  My dad would come around when I started working.  I'm not really sure how he heard about my success because he sure didn't seem like a guy who would read a newspaper or listen to the news.   He probably heard it from one of his union friends.  Some of those guys actually followed the news or listened to it on the radio or tv.  Anyway, he would show up at my loft, asking me to come to join him at the union hall.  He wanted to show off his successful son to his union buddies.  But every time we would go, he wanted me to buy the booze. That was his way of showing how successful I was.  He would even brag to his buddies that his successful son was now treating his father."

"I often wonder why I continued to associate with him.  He beat me up a lot when I was a kid, and I left home at the first opportunity, vowing to never look back. Yet, when he would come around to my loft and ask me to go grab a drink, I'd always say yes.  After the first few times, I knew that it was only to show off how successful I was to his union buddies.  I guess he was trying to prove to himself that he had something to do with my success, which of course was pure bull shit.  But I continued to go and buy his booze and give him money.  What the fuck?" 

Brian stopped at the crosswalk and waited for the car to pass through the intersection.  He was slightly amazed that he had shared that information with Justin, practically a stranger, but stopped short of truly analyzing the situation.  Justin had encouraged him to talk about his life.  He knew that Justin was trying to get him to open up and work on his sobriety. For some reason that he wasn't willing to scrutinize too closely, he accepted that telling the truth about his life experience was important in this journey.  He just hoped that he would not have to share all this information with ‘the gang'.  

"These days, I buy at least one round of drinks for Michael on any given night.  It's something I've always done.  He just assumes the first round is on me."  Brian paused when he finished the statement.  "I never thought about buying Mikey's drinks in that way.  Another thing to put in the ‘to be thought about file'.  I wonder if that is why he is so insistent that I return to Babylon?"

"Do you think that your friendship with Michael is based on your supplying his booze?" Justin asked, wondering about the answer to his question.  If that were true, Brian would really need some help in developing his social group.

"No," Brian said, not hesitating at all with his response.  "Mikey and I go back to high school.  I met him when my family moved to the area.  He was getting picked on because he was so short and such a geek.  I stood up for him and told the bullies to stay away or they would have to deal with me.  I was a jock and the star of the soccer team; therefore, I was respected, and no one messed with me."

"So, you felt sorry for him and protected him.  That was very nice of you.  Sounds like you haven't outgrown the need to protect him and take care of him.  It's nice of you to buy his drinks every time you meet."

Brian thought about Justin's observations and said, "That sounds kind of degrading.  Sort of like my father did to me.  ‘Hey look everyone.  I am the successful Brian Kinney and I can afford to buy my friend, Mikey a drink since he is not as flush as I am.' 

"Why do you feel that way?"

"I am more successful," Brian said.

"So, everyone who is more successful should buy their friend's drinks?" Justin asked, pushing Brian to think about his statement and his thinking process.

"No, of course not.  That would be stupid.  There would be people who would always be paying and then there would be people who would never pay.  Life doesn't work that way.  There is always going to be one person who is better off than another."  Brian didn't want to walk too far from the community center and looked around spying a small park to their right.

"Let's head to the park.  I don't want to walk too far away from the center and have to jog back to my car in order to get to Deb's on time."

"Sure," Justin said and crossed the street to walk towards the park. 

It was a nice spring day; the temperatures were in the low 70's and a light breeze blew.  There were several baseball diamonds and it appeared that there were teams practicing in three of them.  Further down the path were several soccer fields and they were occupied as well with players who appeared to be practicing.  To the far right, there was a playground filled with children playing on the slides, swings, and in the sand box.  Parents sat on the park benches that surrounded the area as they watched their children run, jump, and laugh while they enjoyed the equipment and the freedom from responsibility. 

Brian smiled at a young boy whose soccer ball was kicked in their path.  He stopped by the ball and kicked it toward him. 

"Thanks, mister," the little red headed boy said as he kicked the ball back toward the field. 

"Brian, why do you really buy Michael his drinks?  You just said that it wouldn't make sense to have the person with the most money always buying the drinks."

They walked down the path and found a park bench.  Brian motioned for Justin to sit on the bench and he joined him.  "He's my friend."

"Do you buy your other friends drinks?"

"No.  Of course not," Brian said, somewhat surprised at the question.  "Why would I buy them drinks, they buy their own."

"So why do you buy Michael his drinks?"

"I don't know."

"You seem to have a complicated relationship with Michael.  You do things for him that you would not do for your other friends, but he doesn't seem to respect your choices.  You said that you told him twice that you weren't going to Babylon and yet he barged into your home, walked into your bedroom without your permission, and then proceeded to tell you that his mom was coming over to watch your son so you could spend time with him  at Babylon.  When I asked you if you could talk to him about being mad at him, you stated that he probably wouldn't believe you.  You've chosen to keep him in the dark regarding your efforts toward sobriety, but you have told several other people.  I just wonder what you get out of his friendship?"

"You really do come up with the hard questions?" Brian said as he thought about Justin's speech.

"They're not hard, but hopefully thought provoking.  We were talking about love and tolerance today at the meeting.  Your friend doesn't seem to be very tolerant of your decisions and I wonder why you are friends.  Even if you were not exploring sobriety, have you thought about Michael's place in your life?"  Justin really wanted to reach out and touch Brian's hand, give it a squeeze, and show his support during this awkward conversation, but understood that was crossing the line.  "It sounds like you had a rough childhood. You still have ambivalent thoughts about your father, especially as an adult when he tried to parade you to his friends as his great achievement as a parent. It appears that your childhood left some deep scars regarding your love of yourself.  Perhaps Michael's friendship helps to fill that need for love?"

"So, you are saying that since I had a shitty childhood and my father punched me around, I turned to Michael for that love.  As an adult, I accept whatever he does because he loves me?"

"It's an observation.  You are the one who has to decide if it is correct," Justin said. 

"But what if you're right? I let Michael stay in my life because he loves me, no matter how he treats me.  It'd be another version of my dad, without the abuse," Brian said, putting his forefinger and thumb on the bridge of his nose.

"Abuse can come in many forms.  Emotional abuse is just as detrimental as physical abuse.  In fact, many people discount emotional abuse because it cannot be measured," Justin said.  He'd done a lot of reading and investigation when he first became sober.  "My father was an emotional abuser.  He treated my mom horribly, cheating on her and expecting her to just accept what he did since he paid the bills.  He belittled her at every opportunity and told her that the only contribution she made to the marriage was to look pretty and attend business functions with him.  He needed to have a wife on his arm to be accepted at the country club.  My mom put up with it for a long time, but then when he kicked me out, she decided that was enough and she left too.  She took my sister and started her life over. She is now a very successful realtor."  Justin had carried his coffee cup with him and took the last drink.  He looked around for a trash can and saw one over by the pavilion, a few feet away.  He motioned toward the can with his hand and said, "I'm going to throw my cup away.  Are you done with yours?"

Brian handed him the cup and watched as Justin walked to the can and threw their cups away.  He thought about Justin's last question.  Justin came back to the bench and waited for Brian to answer his last question.  After a few minutes he decided to couch the thought in another way.

"You have to decide if Michael's behavior toward you is acceptable.  From what you say, you feel like you owe him for his family's friendship in your youth.  They were a safe haven for you and you really needed that safe space.  But now that you are an adult, it appears that Michael is using that history as grounds for a friendship.  It appears that you aren't really sure why you maintain the friendship, except out of habit."

Brian listened to Justin, nodding his head in agreement with the statements.  "You sure you are an artist and not a Psychologist or something?"

"No, not a Psychologist, but I have read a lot about people.  People fascinate me.  I love to hear their stories and histories.  It is amazing when you take two people who have lived through the same event and ask them about it, and you get two very different stories.  Each person sees the event through their own experiences.  I bet if you asked Michael why he came to your home the other night, he would have a very good reason.  Your view of his visit was anger at his inability to respect your wishes.  His view was probably something along the lines of finding a solution to your problem of watching your son and being unable to go out.  Both of you see the same situation in very different terms.  Neither of you are right nor wrong, it's just a different point of view.  But I'm asking you to think about what you want from your friendship with Michael."

"I'll have to think about that one.  Deb, his mom is the quasi matriarch of our little family.  If I cut my ties with Michael, I would hurt Deb."

Justin nodded his head understanding.  "Deb is important to you and you don't want to hurt her feelings.  If you stop having Michael in your life, Deb is going to be mad at you.  Sounds like a very difficult situation."

Brian smiled.  "You sure you don't have a degree in Psychology?  As much as I enjoy the soul-searching questions you throw my way, I must head out.  Time for the weekly Sunday dinner at Deb's.  I can't wait to hear Michael whine about not spending time with him.  I guess I'm going to have to figure something out.  I'm not ready for Babylon or Woody's but I don't want to listen to him whine indefinitely.

"You coming to the meeting tomorrow night?" Justin asked as he stood up to walk back to the lot where their cars were parked.

"Should be good to go.  I've got some business meetings later this week so I'm going to have to think about those days," Brian said.  He felt a little chill go through his body when he thought about missing a meeting and the support from Justin.  He also stood up and walked toward his car.

They reached the parking lot and said their goodbyes.

Brian drove to Deb's; his head was now filled with more half thoughts than it did on the way to the AA meeting.  He hoped that this was not going to be the norm; he was used to solving his problems quick and fast and didn't like the feeling.

TBC 

Brian drove to Deb's, thinking about his talk with Justin.  Why am I friends with Michael?  Is he really my friend or do we hang out just because we always have?  I love Gus.  I'd do anything for him, but do I love anyone else, including myself?  Why did I tell Emmett, and will he keep his word about my AA meetings?  Why, why, why?

Brian arrived and was slightly agitated by his numerous thoughts.  He liked his life better when he wasn't thinking about every move.  But before he allowed his brain to go down that path, he acknowledged that he actually enjoyed parts of his sobriety.  He liked having a specific place to go every night.  He was beginning to enjoy waking up without feeling his head pounding, or like he had been hit by a truck.  He liked the feeling of being able to open his eyes in the morning without feeling that they were filled with sand.  On the other hand, he didn't really know what to do with himself in the evenings.  After his meetings, it was still early, and he had several hours stretched in front of him without his normal past time of shooting pool and/or picking up tricks.  Of course, there was the issue of picking up tricks.  He wasn't fond of trolling for guys on the internet, but if he was getting his needs met, he wouldn't really think about that situation. 

Sitting in the car for several minutes, he watched Deb's front door as the family walked in.  Emmett wore a pair of tangerine pants with a purple silky top, looking like he might have stepped out of a 70's movie.  Ted and Blake walked side by side and were laughing at something.  They kissed each other on the cheek before walking into Deb's house.  No one seemed to notice that he was sitting across the street and not getting out of his car.  He didn't want to think about the reason for their lack of acknowledgment.  As he watched the front door, he was started by a knock on his driver's side window. 

Turning toward the noise, Brian noticed Gus.  He rolled down the window.  "Hey, Sonny Boy."

"Dad.  Why are you sitting in your car?  Are you okay?  I know you like to make an entrance and be fashionably late to most things, but this is Sunday dinner.  You don't have to impress anyone here," Gus said as he reached for the car door. 

"Just thinking about a lot of things.  I'm fine.  Let's go inside.  I'm sure Debbie has a huge pan of Lasagna with enough cheese and garlic bread to meet my carb limits at least three times over."

"Dad.  You crack me up.  You are one of the thinnest people I know and yet you act like food is your enemy.  You can eat carbs all day, but you gotta do it in moderation.  We studied nutrition in class last week.  Did you know that carbs have 4 calories, the same as protein?  In fact,..."

"Gus.  It is true that carbs and protein have the same number of calories, but your body processes them differently," Brian responded as they walked to the door.  Before he could continue his conversation, Michael opened the door and gave him a kiss on the lips. 

"There you are.  I was beginning to think you were going to blow us off like you have the last few weeks. I haven't seen you in ages," Michael said as he ushered father and son into the small living room.

"Michael, I just saw you on Friday.  In fact, I saw you twice; once at my office and the second time when you barged into my loft insisting that I go with you to Babylon.  Since today is Sunday, I don't think that two days constitutes ages. True, I didn't make it to breakfast at the diner this morning, but I was in the middle of my workout and I think you would appreciate me keeping my sweaty body at the gym rather than at your breakfast table,"  Brian said, tongue in cheek. He could feel his body tensing at the accusation.  His anger was building up, but before he could react, Deb broke in.

"Michael Charles Novotny leave Brian alone.  It doesn't matter what did or didn't happen.  Brian was here last week and he's here to spend time with everyone now.  Let's not spend time discussing what he did or didn't do.  You can't change what happened.  Let's enjoy Sunday dinner.  Now, why don't you help me get the Lasagna out of the oven?  It is pretty heavy," Deb said as she headed to the kitchen, not waiting for an answer, but expecting Michael to follow her.

Brian listened to Deb's statement to Michael and wondered if she had ever said those words to him before.  He remembered Peter's words to live in the present, not the past.  You can't change the past, but you do have control over your present and future.  As far as he knew Deb was not a recovering alcoholic.  She drank an occasional glass of wine with Sunday dinner and he's seen her drink a beer or two at Woody's.  But he'd never seen her drunk.  Yet, she was sending the same message to Michael that he'd heard in the AA meeting.  Before he could ponder that thought any further, she called everyone to dinner.

"Brian, where were you this morning?  You never miss Sunday brunch," Michael asked ignoring Deb's instruction to not worry about the past.

"I told you, Michael, I was at the gym.  Are you getting old and forgetting what I said to you just 10 minutes ago?" Brian asked, somewhat tongue in cheek.   He took a sip of his water.  He made a point of putting water in his wine glass, hoping it would draw less attention to him not drinking any wine.

Emmett wasn't sure where Brian had been this morning, but he thought he might have been attending an AA meeting.  Brian would not give up his work out and most likely would not forego Sunday dinner, so it seemed to reason that if he wanted to attend a meeting, he would have to give up something else and Sunday brunch seemed logical.  Since he would see the whole family at Deb's, he would be able to do all the things that were important. 

"So, Gus, I understand you had a birthday party yesterday.  How was it?" Emmett asked, hoping to change the subject of Brian's whereabouts this morning.

"How'd you know he had a birthday party?" Melanie asked, slightly suspicious that Emmett knew about the event.

"Gus and Brian often eat at the diner on Saturday nights before he takes him home, but last night Brian was by himself.  I asked him where Gus was and he told me about the party," Emmett said.  He wiped his mouth with a napkin and placed the napkin back on his lap.

"Oh," said Melanie.

"So, Gus, how was your party?"  Emmett repeated his question.

"Cool.  We went to a new trampoline place.  I got to jump on trampolines and there was an arcade we got to play in too.  Afterward, we had chocolate and white cake.  I'd love to have a trampoline party."  Turning toward his mothers, he looked at them with pleading eyes.  "Can I have a trampoline party for my birthday?"

"No," said Mel.

"We'll see," said Lindsay.

Brian did not say anything. He knew whatever party the girls decided was acceptable would be discussed and then they would hit him up for the cost of the shindig.  He realized again that he provided a lot of money to them for Gus and yet anytime there was an unusual expense such as a birthday, new cleats for soccer, or even new clothes for school, they claimed they did not have the money.  He was beginning to think that they just saw him as the Bank of Kinney.  He hadn't really thought about the issue much, but now that he was thinking a little clearer these days, he was beginning to question many areas of his life.  He didn't care about the money; he had plenty, but he did not like the uncertainty regarding his visits with his son.

Thankfully, Michael did not ask Brian again where he'd been.  The dinner conversation ranged from the new class Lindsay was trying to get started at the GLC, and the difficulties she was encountering from the board, to the latest gossip on Liberty Avenue.  As usual, Brian did not contribute much to the discussion but found himself listening to everyone's sharing of their everyday lives.  He took a quick inventory of his life the last couple of weeks, and the only thing of note was his attendance at AA meetings.  He really did not want to share that information; besides they were called anonymous for a reason. He doubted that the "gang" would want to enter a philosophical conversation about love and tolerance or living in the moment. 

When dinner was over everyone helped Deb clean up and put away the folding chairs.  Brian looked at the group of people in attendance and thought about his relationship with each of them.  Deciding that for the most part, the connection was one he enjoyed, he felt an unusual calm come over him.  He had begun doubting what his life would look like without Babylon and Woody's, and now saw that truly there was more substance to his life than he had realized. 

Michael and his husband Ben left first, stating that Ben had some papers to grade and a lecture to prepare for.  Gus and his mothers left next as Gus had to get to sleep since Monday was a school day.  That left Emmett, Debbie and Blake and Ted sitting in the living room. 

"Brian, honey, are you okay?  You seem awfully quiet today," Debbie asked as she picked up a glass on the table that had been missed by the gang in their quick clean up.  She eyed the glass of wine at the table seeing there was just a little left in the bottom.  Not one to waste anything, she picked it up and tilted the bottle toward Brian, knowing that Ted and Blake wouldn't drink any and Emmett was usually a cocktail drinker. 

"Want to finish this off? There is just a little left and I hate for the bottle to take up room in the fridge," she asked Brian.

All the men looked at Brian knowing that he shouldn't drink it but wondering if he was going to decline and give Deb a reason for not drinking. Deb noticed the looks they gave Brian and quickly deduced their meaning.  She quickly reviewed the evening and visually remembered that Brian had put water in his wine glass. She remembered thinking to herself that it was odd but had decided to not push the subject at the time. 

"That's why you haven't been to Babylon or Woody's and my son is having ten fits that he hasn't seen you?" She said, without stating her actual deduction out loud.  She walked into the kitchen and placed the bottle in the door of the fridge and then returned with a fresh bottle of water for herself.

She came into the living room and kissed Brian on the cheek, smudging off the residual lipstick.  "Brian, honey...  Is the cancer back?  Is that why you can't drink?  From the looks that these guys gave you, they know what's up."  Debbie asked solicitously.  She remembered how Michael fell apart when he heard that Brian had cancer.  It had been over 5 years, and she thought the 5-year mark was the critical one regarding recurrence.

Brian toyed with his response.  He really hadn't planned on telling anyone else. He was already questioning why he told Emmett.  He understood why he told Blake and Ted; Ted worked for him and he'd been a real support when he'd battled cancer.  It was unlikely that he could keep anything this significant from Ted, especially since Ted knew about the car and his accident.  Emmett, it seemed, had caught him in a moment of weakness and vulnerability.  He was feeling a little sorry for himself, although he would never admit to that feeling.  He was sad that Gus had not spent the remainder of the day with him and he was questioning his "new" life.  Recognizing that he needed to develop new routines had begun to concern him as he was at a loss how to fill his time with activities that would not have him rushing for the nearest bottle out of sheer boredom. But telling Debbie, his mom, would be an entirely different level of disclosure. 

On the one hand, he didn't want to lie to her, but on the other hand, he didn't want all of Liberty Avenue to know that Brian Fucking Kinney was an alcoholic.  While he had his doubts about telling Emmett, he knew that Emmett would probably not tell anyone.  Debbie was a loose cannon.  She might have every intention of keeping quiet, but if she said anything or even hinted to a secret that she had, there could be dire consequences.  He needed a little more sobriety under his belt before he tackled disclosure to her.

"Debbie, I don't really want to talk about it.  I will tell you I'm not sick and the cancer is not back," he said, hoping that would placate her for the moment.

"Brian Aiden Kinney, I know there is something going on, but I can see you are not ready to tell me what it is.  I'm here whenever you are ready to talk," she said.  Turning to the other men, she said, "I know that there is something going on and I know that the three of you know what it is.  I am trusting you to tell me if the need arises."  She turned her head to look at each man separately and made sure they saw her look of determination. 

Brian stood up and walked over to Debbie.  "I'm fine," he said as he bent down to give her a kiss on the cheek. 

She reached out and grabbed his hand, squeezing it tightly. "Take care of yourself," she said.

Brian walked toward the door.  The other men walked close behind him and all four left Debbie's.  Brian walked toward his car and Ted caught up to him before he got there.

"Bri..."

"Theodore."

"She's going to ask again.  She won't give up until you tell her," Ted said.  He watched Blake walk to their car and quietly talk to Emmett. 

"I know.  I just can't handle her version of love right now.  I can see it now.  She will envelop me in a huge hug and tell me everything will be okay. Then she'll cry and kiss me and then I'll try to make her feel better.  And I just can't do that right now.  I need all my energy for me.  I can't worry that she will tell all of Liberty Avenue.  I can't worry that Lindsay will find out through the gay grape vine that I'm in AA.  She knows I drink but she'll take that information and twist it around.  She won't let me see Gus.  I can't do that Ted."

Ted listened and was a little surprised at Brian's confession.  Brian was not one to discuss his thoughts or his feelings.  He thought that the AA meetings were the cause of this new development.  He was happy for his boss, but knew he had a long way to go. 

"I'm here for you, boss," Ted said as he laid his hand on Brian's shoulder and squeezed hard.

Brian nodded his head and opened the car door, getting in and looking at Deb's house.  He briefly thought about his words to Ted and was slightly amazed at the truth in them.  He realized that all the half thoughts he'd been juggling in his head all day were jelling into solid ideas. He knew he had to tell Debbie and he would have to tell Lindsay.  He'd have to tell them, admit he had a problem with alcohol, and admit that he was imperfect.  But he wasn't going to do it today and it wouldn't happen tomorrow or maybe even the next day.  But some day and someday soon, he would have to have those conversations. 

He put the car in gear and drove back to his loft.  Entering the room, he saw the liquor cabinet, its bottles filled with amber liquid that would numb his pain, blot out the day to day concerns and help him drift into oblivion.  He walked toward the cabinet, wanting badly to ease his discomfort, but turned toward the living area and the couch instead.  Today, in this moment, he was choosing not to drink.  He'd made other choices today and he questioned them, but this one, he was certain of.  He wasn't going to fill his body with the amber liquid, feel its burn as it traveled down his throat and into his bloodstream.  He wouldn't choose oblivion, not today.

TBC

Brian sat on the couch, flipping through Adweek and trying to stay focused on its content.  When he reached the end of the magazine, he realized he had absolutely no idea what he'd read.  He flipped back to the front of the magazine and started reading the article again. When he got to the end, he stopped and closed his eyes trying to remember what he'd read.  When he couldn't remember three key points in the article, he decided that reading was fruitless and turned on the tv. He flipped through the channels and couldn't find anything that remotely interested him.  Looking at the clock, he saw that it was only 9:00 pm.

Shit.  It is fucking 9:00.  I can't fucking read a magazine without my mind wandering and there isn't shit on tv.  I can't fucking drink or go to Babylon or Woody's. What the fuck kind of life is this?  This is bullshit!!

Despite the negative self-talk, he couldn't move off the couch to remedy his indecision.  He took several deep breaths. He remembered the speaker from the other night talking about calming the mind and meditating to help a person do that.  He allowed his mind to wander and follow one of his many half-formed ideas that had been rolling around it all day. He latched on to his son, Gus. Gus was important to him and when he didn't get to spend the whole day with him as planned, he realized he was angry.  He was angry that a birthday party trumped his visit and he was angry that Lindsay hadn't suggested a different weekend or additional time. He thought about the lack of alternatives, or rather, her decision to not offer them to him and he realized that she most likely didn't offer them since historically he would have never accepted.  He continued to let his mind ponder the subject of Gus. He thought about Lindsay's anger at his late arrival when he returned him from their visit and he thought about her waffling attitude when it came to his visits with Gus. On the one hand, she pushed him to be a part of Gus' life, but on the other hand, she balked when he wanted to spend more time with Gus. She also seemed to push most of the financial responsibilities for Gus as Brian's contribution, even though he wasn't allowed to spend time with Gus at will.  Is she really keeping Gus away from me or is it that she just assumes that I wouldn't be interested in seeing more of him, as I'm too busy with my life?  What would my ideal situation be, as far as Gus is concerned? Would I really want him more than one weekend a month?  If he was here, what would I do with him? He thought back to this weekend and the ease of spending time with his son.  They rarely had an agenda. Gus pretty much dictated what he wanted to do and Brian let him do it unless it was unreasonable.  He'd heard some of his employees talk in the break room about having "their kid" for the weekend. They talked about taking them to some special exhibit at the zoo or to a new movie opening.  It appeared that they were trying to give the kid some super memorable experience since they didn't spend a lot of time with them.

He planned his day at work and lately he had to plan when and where he would attend an AA meeting but he didn't want to live his life with a rigid schedule.  He liked the spontaneity of his time with Gus and never felt like he had to play the role of "super father". Gus never seemed bored and they always found stuff to do, even if it was just going down to Michael's shop to pick up the latest edition of "Avengers".

But now, he was beginning to question that model.  He now had vast amounts of time where he didn't have commitments.  He realized that in the past when he had free time he would usually just go to Woody's or Babylon to occupy himself.  Those two places were off his radar for the present time, and he was just now beginning to realize how much of his time was spent at those establishments. Should he increase his time with Gus, and if so, would it be so spontaneous or should he find another outlet for his time?  Of course, he realized that he could do both. What would his life look life once sobriety really kicked in? He would still go work out, go to the diner on Sunday morning and to Debbie's on Sunday night. He could talk to Lindsay about seeing Gus during the week or having him more than one weekend a month.  

He wanted to be more involved in Gus' life.  Maybe if he was more involved he'd have a better handle on where the money went that he gave Lindsay.  Money really wasn't a concern, but access to Gus was something he wanted. He'd been giving her money for a decade and yet his access to his son was very limited.  He'd never really thought about asking for more time with his son, but now that he had more free time, it made sense. He couldn't fit him in during the evenings, not with him attending his AA meetings every night.  But he could see him more often during the weekend. He'd start with that. He wasn't sure if she would say yes, but if he told her about a specific event- a movie opening or soccer game that he wanted to take Gus to, she'd probably say yes without hesitation.  Brian felt a sense of accomplishment; he'd finally let one of his jumbled thoughts result in a decision. He let out a deep breath as he felt his body relax. Opening his eyes, he saw that it was now almost 11:00, definitely late enough to go to sleep. Moving to the bedroom, he readied himself for sleep and slept through the night.

In the morning he arrived at work at 8:00, choosing to avoid the diner and hopefully Michael.  Ted's light was on and he walked over to his door, walking in without knocking. Hearing someone enter, Ted looked up to see Brian standing in the doorway.

"Bri...  Can I help you?"  He was surprised to see his boss standing at his doorway.  Usually, he went to Brian's office.

"Do you know a good lawyer?"

Ted blinked and looked at Brian.  A million scenarios crossed his mind, none of them positive.  "Are you in some kind of trouble? Do you need anything? Is the cancer back?"

Brian smiled, tongue in cheek, realizing that he had put his CFO in a tailspin just by asking a question.  "No, no and no. I want to talk to a family lawyer. I want to know my rights regarding Gus." Brian did not want to go into details about his desire to see Gus more but he knew that Ted would need at least this basic information so that he could track down a lawyer that would meet Brian's needs.

"Oh.  Well, glad to hear that you're okay.  Do you want me to set up an appointment or do you want just the name?"

Brian hadn't really thought that far into his quest.  He knew he wanted to be more involved in Gus' life, but the logistics of when he wanted to pursue his quest was still in the beginning stages.  He thought about his AA meetings and their motto of living in the moment. He'd obviously been listening to the leaders as he hadn't really taken the time to question his showing up at Ted's door.  "Set an appointment. Just look at my calendar and make sure I have plenty of time to talk to the lawyer. I'm not sure how long this type of thing takes."

"Ok.  I'll get right on it," Ted said.  His boss was changing before his eyes and he was excited for him.  He had told Brian that he would need to rethink his life and make changes.  He watched Brian interact with Gus every Sunday and he knew that Brian adored the little boy.  He thought it was great that Brian wanted to investigate his legal avenues regarding Gus. He was fairly certain that Brian had no intention of having Gus full time, but at this point nothing would surprise him.

Brian walked to his office, booted up his computer, and started his day.  He reviewed several emails that had landed in his inbox since Friday and quickly scrolled through his LinkedIn feed,  He looked at his calendar and saw he had a conference call at 10:00. Pulling up the file for the client, he reviewed the latest conversation they'd had and checked up on the status of their current campaign. His day was busy and he really hadn't had time to contemplate his conversation with Ted that morning.  

It was close to 5:00 when Ted knocked on Brian's door and without looking up from the file on his desk, Brian bade him to enter.  

"Got a few names for you.  Wasn't sure which way you wanted to take the situation with Gus, but here are your choices.  

1. You can talk with a lawyer who deals in custody issues.  Not sure that is what you were after, but it seems that custody is a specialty in and of itself.  

2. You can talk with a lawyer who will discuss legal issues regarding support and your rights.  Since you give Lindsay and Melanie a lot of money for Gus, you appear to have rights to see him and the fact that they appear to limit your interaction could result in legal issues.

3. The other choice is a lawyer who deals with things like education, health care and other areas that you might feel are not in alignment with how you want Gus raised.

If you give me a clearer picture of what you are seeking, then I can check your calendar and make an appointment for a consultation."

"Shit.  Who knew jerking off into a cup could become so fucking complicated.  I think option 2, my legal rights since I support him financially, and would want a lawyer who specializes in that area.  Make the call and let me know when the appointment is. Put it on my calendar, but also tell me." Brian looked at his watch and realized he needed to leave so he could change and get to his AA meeting on time.  "Gotta go. I need to change and get across town by 7:45."

Ted nodded his head in understanding, guessing that Brian wanted to get to a meeting and he had chosen to go across town where there was little chance of anyone seeing him.  He was proud of Brian, but he wouldn't tell him right now. Brian was working the program, going to meetings, and was managing to stay away from temptation in the form of Woody's and Babylon.  Ted knew that in some ways the early part of recovery was tricky. It was hard to stay away as the pull of the liquor or drug was still pretty strong but as time went on, often the person lost their resolve deluding themselves that one little drink or one snort wouldn't make that much difference.  Sobriety was never easy and it was especially hard for someone like Brian whose life appeared to revolve around drinking.

Brian went home, showered, changed, and arrived at the AA meeting before it was supposed to start.  Spotting Justin, he sat down and said, "Hi."

"Hi," Justin said as he smiled at Brian.  "Long day? Wasn't sure you were going to make it. It's almost 8:00."

"I'm here," Brian wasn't ready to tell Justin about his conversation with Ted.  He wanted some firm information before he discussed it. He was not one who had conversations on speculations.

The speaker welcomed everyone to the group and asked if there was anyone new there.  Brian had been attending AA for a little over a week and for some reason he didn't remember anyone ever asking that question.  He thought about the question and realized that he must not have been paying attention as it was a logical question and he was sure he would never have talked at that first meeting without a little prompting from a question like that.  

When no one raised their hand, the speaker said, "Tonight I'd like to talk about social outlets.  When I was drinking, I had a set of friends I always drank with and we would plan our activities around which bar we would hang out at after work.  They would have a few drinks and go home, but I would stay for a long time after they left and drink for hours. When I became sober, I quickly realized that my entire social structure was built around drinking.  At work, we talked about drinking and after work, we drank. I couldn't exactly quit my job, but I had to figure out a way to stay friends with my co-workers without drinking. Can someone share how they handled friendships when they got sober?"

"Hi, my name is Mary.  I had a similar problem.  My co-workers had no idea that I stayed at the bar for hours after they left.  I was always telling them that I was meeting someone a little later, and I was just going to hang out at the bar until it was time to go.  Of course, I never had anyone to meet. By the time I left the bar at night, I was too drunk to hold a conversation with anyone. One day, I wondered if would my co-workers would even socialize with me if I didn't go out drinking with them.  I suggested we set up a movie night instead of going drinking. A few of them said no, but the rest said yes. We all agreed on a movie and then went to dinner afterward. Since it was later in the evening, we all had appetizers and then went home.  I enjoyed myself. Of course, the next night they went to the bar again, but I decided to do something different. We go out about once a week and see a movie, so it turned out okay."

"Hi,my name is Tom.   I know, most of you are thinking why is that kid in here.  I started drinking when I was 14. When I think back on it, I really don't know what possessed me to drink, but for a long time that was what I did.  I had friends in high school and we got together to drink. We'd brag in the morning how much liquor we consumed and on Mondays, it was a big deal to brag about the parties we went to and how shitfaced we got.  One night my best friend and I went to a party and got drunk. I drove home. We crashed. We both survived, but he has a brain injury from being thrown out of the car. That woke me up. I was 18, and I knew I needed to change my life, or that would be me.  My friends still continued to drink and weren't interested in other activities, so I was on my own to fill my time. I hadn't done really well in school, mostly because I was drinking and not studying. I went back to school, got my GED, and now I'm in college.  I've met a lot of people and actually gotten to make some good friends. When all your conversations surround drinking, it doesn't bode well to the types of people you connect with.

The members of the group all clapped after Tom's story.  It was always great to hear about someone who had literally turned his life around.  Justin watched Brian during the meeting. He'd done a little more reading about sponsors and realized that part of the role of sponsorship was to encourage the sponsoree to share.  Many sponsors encouraged this process out of group since it felt safer, especially early on in recovery. Once the addict had some success at sobriety and was starting to work the steps, oftentimes they opened up in meetings.  Justin knew that Brian had friends but he wanted to know a little more about their friendships.

"Hi, I'm Bob.  I think everyone has friends that they drink with.  I think it is the fate of the alcoholic to decide if the friends he drinks with can be friends without the alcohol.  I drank with my colleagues after work, just like you Mary. But then, I'd go home and have a cocktail with my wife, wine with dinner, an after dinner drink and of course, I would have a drink or three while I was watching TV.  I can't exactly stop seeing my wife, although when I was drinking, I think she had many a night where she thought about that option. I could easily stop going out for drinks after work, but I wanted to keep my marriage so cutting her out of my life wasn't an option.  Now that I'm sober, we don't keep alcohol in the house and we've started going to movies or out in the evenings.

"Thank you all for sharing.  Each of us has to look at our relationships and determine if the friends we have are ones that we associate with drinking.  If they are, it is important to determine if we can stay sober when we are with them. Change and examining our lives are both part of the process of sobriety.  We have to accept that we may need to pick new friends, change our routines, and rethink what we want out of life if we want to be successful in our journey to sobriety.  On that note, many AA groups hold social activities as well as meetings. I'd like us to think about participating in a social activity on a non meeting night. We can start to develop new friendships with people who will not participate in drinking as part of the event.  As always, coffee is in the back and I encourage you to greet at least one person tonight after our meeting," said the leader.

Brian and Justin walked back to the coffee station, but didn't head toward the line.  Instead Justin tilted his head toward the door and Brian nodded his head in agreement.

"I fucking felt like I was on the playground in kindergarten. Say hi to the person you are sitting next to so we can all be friends," Brian said, the memory obviously not a pleasant one.  Several people glanced at them, but no one stopped to say hi as the two men left the building.

"It can be a very helpful activity.  Sometimes giving people permission to say hi and introduce themselves is the missing piece for people to start a connection with someone new,"  Justin said. He didn't want to lecture Brian but at the same time he wanted to share his opinion. He started waking toward the door, nodding at several members as they passed.  Many of them were still heading toward the back where the proverbial old coffee station was located, but he and Brian were headed out of the meeting.

"When someone starts attending AA, it can be really intimidating.  There is a lot of self talk that goes on before a person attends a meeting.  ‘What is a meeting like? Will I be the wall flower in the group? Will anyone care that I'm here?"  No one wants to admit to fear of rejection when they enter a meeting, but it is often in the back of their minds.  The person has often hit rock bottom in their life; personally and or professionally. They have lost a lot, if not most everything they cared about.  They are feeling desperate and need a helping hand, but they don't want to be judged. Oftentimes, the people they care about have turned away from them as a result of their drinking and they are incredibly vulnerable.  A little encouragement by the leader to say hi and introduce yourself gives the newcomer an acceptable way to meet people." They were not out of the building and walking side by side but Justin wasn't sure he still had all of Brian's attention.  He could feel the tension coming off the man and wanted him to understand that making new friends and starting over was an integral part of the AA meeting process. "If the leader says it's okay and something you should do, then participants will usually follow the  suggestion. You may not remember your first meeting much, but the leader suggested that everyone welcome the newcomers and if they saw someone they didn't recognize they should make them feel welcome. It happens at most meetings," Justin said as they walked toward the coffee shop.  They walked in silence for a few minutes. It was dark now; the sun having set shortly after the meeting started. There was traffic on the street, but it was less busy than earlier in the evening. The street lights glowed and cast a shimmering light on the two men. It was the perfect spring night, not too cold and not hot yet from the oppressive Pittsburgh heat.  

"So is that why you approached me,.... On that first night?" Brian asked.  He didn't want to be a charity case and hoped Justin wasn't attending meetings with him as a mandate from his sponsor, Jeremy. "I'm not some loser who needs help to talk to people."  Brian was tempted to turn around and walk back to his car, but knew if he did that he would head straight toward Woody's or Babylon and throw away all of his progress to date. He took a deep breath and continued walking next to Justin, but he wasn't 100% sure he would continue to do so.

Justin bristled at Brian's tone and recognized it as a defense mechanism.  This man was complicated. "Brian, I like people and I wanted to help someone who was newly sober.  My sponsor was instrumental in my journey, and I can't begin to think about where I'd be today if he hadn't said hi at my first meeting.  I don't meet you every night out of pity; that would hurt our relationship and I wouldn't be very effective sponsor."

"So now I'm a project for you?"  Brian said, the anger in him rising.  He could feel his neck and back tensing.  He was not much for social engineering and didn't want anyone's pity.  Pity made his dick soft and he was already woefully deficient in the number of times he was getting his cock sucked these days.  

Justin stopped walking and said, "Brian, stop. Look at me and listen."  He wanted to reach out and touch Brian, physically turn Brian toward him, but he wanted Brian to be in control, to choose to listen, and not just follow a suggestion.  He waited what seemed like several minutes, but was most likely only 30 seconds, before Brian stopped walking and turned toward Justin. Luckily, the sidewalks were fairly empty at that time of night and they didn't have to keep moving out of the way of other walkers.

"I'm not here to pick a fight with you.  I'm not here to wave a magic wand and watch you transform like Cinderella.  I'm not here to watch you spin out of control and go back to drinking either.  You're an interesting man with a problem that I can relate to. Been there, done that.  We are both professionals and I understand some of your struggles. I like people and I want to see you succeed in this journey.  I'm hoping that we can be friends. But if you aren't comfortable with me being your sponsor, then please go find someone else. This isn't about me; it's about you and your journey toward sobriety. You need a sponsor you can trust and share things with."

Brian listened to Justin and nodded his head.  "Okay," he answered and resumed walking.

Justin had hoped for a little more insight into what was going through Brian's mind to cause him to snap like that, but he accepted his answer and they continued to the diner.  Once inside the diner, they were seated toward the back as usual. Brian wondered if they gave off a vibe that they wanted a little privacy, but wasn't going to analyze yet another thing in his life.  

The waitress came a few minutes later with glasses of water and asked if they were ready to order.  Justin had picked up the menu that was on the table immediately upon their being seated. He had turned it over several times as if he was looking at his last meal and had to ensure that he chose well.  Finally, he put the menu down and said, " I'll have the cherry cheesecake with some cheese fries. Bring them out together."

The waitress wrote his order down and looked toward Brian.  "And for you, sir?"

"I'll have a turkey burger, no bun with a side salad.  Oil and Vinegar on the side."

"Okay.  Do you want your salad now or with your meal?"

"With the meal is fine."

"Turkey burger.  I don't think I've ever seen you eat real food.  Usually you just order, coffee," Justin said. He wanted to get their conversation back on a less volatile footing and a small comment about Brian's order seemed to be a good way to handle this situation.

"You really are a people observer.  I couldn't tell you what I had for lunch much less what anyone else had.  Actually, I'd have to really think about whether or not I even ate with anyone or actually ate lunch," Brian admitted.

"Well, did you eat lunch?"  Justin asked, still trying to ease Brian back to the hot topic they were discussing earlier.

Brian thought for a moment and said, "Yeah.  My assistant brought be a sandwich from the diner across the street,"  Brian said. "Why are we discussing my eating habits? I really don't think that those are part of my sobriety."

"Fair enough.  We were talking about social outlets at the meeting.  Many people go out for a meal with friends as a common social outlet.  Do you eat out with your friends?" Justin asked. This was hopefully a good segway to what he did with his friends.

"Sometimes.  Well, yeah, I eat at the diner a lot.  There is a group of us that go there every Sunday morning and there a lot of days I eat there for breakfast too.  Debbie works there."

"Debbie.  She's your sort of surrogate mom?" Justin asked, trying to mentally draw a diagram of Brian's social structure.

"Yeah.  Food isn't all that great, but it's a place for all of us to meet."

"That's great.  I don't imagine you are drinking at breakfast? It's important to have friends that you don't associate with drinking," Justin asked, pleased that Brian appeared to have a good start on having activities that he did with his friends.

"Shit, no.  There isn't even any booze at the diner.  But we go there late at night too and sometimes before we go out."  The waitress brought their food and Brian took a sip of his coffee, putting more creamer and sugar in it before he took another drink.

"So you go out with these same friends?  What do you do when you go out?" Justin was getting excited as it appeared that Brian had some activities that he could rely on to fill his time now that he wasn't drinking.  His friends appeared to already be participating in activities that didn't involve drinking.

"We go to Woodys and Babylon.  You know the bars on Liberty Avenue," Brian said, getting a far away look when he mentioned his old stomping ground. He missed hanging out at Woody's and Babylon.  It wasn't just the drinking and drugging, but that was a part of it. He missed the thumpa thumpa of the music as it thrummed through his body. He missed the smell and sight of a 100 men and their sweaty bodies as they danced to the music.  He missed the conquest of taking guys to the back room.

"Do you drink when you go to Woody's and Babylon?"  Justin asked. He'd been to the bars on Liberty enough to know that drinking was common.  He was impressed that Brian was going to the bars where alcohol was ever present and maintaining his sobriety.

Brian took a bite of his turkey patty and looked at Justin as if he'd grown two heads. He had known this day was coming, but he really hadn't been able to think about it.  It was one of those many half thoughts that he couldn't ever finish.

"Justin.  I drank every night.  I worked, went to the gym, and then went to Woody's and often to Babylon.  Getting home at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning was common place for me. All my friends hang out at Woody's and Babylon.  I saw them every night at the bars. Sure, I saw them at the diner for breakfast or Sunday morning, but my life was at the bars."

Justin ate a french fry as he rethought his earlier assumptions.  Sure Brian had friends and they did see each other a lot, but it appeared he was now at loose ends when it came to his typical activities.  

"Oh," Justin said, as much at a loss as Brian was.  "Are you still going to Babylon and Woody's? I would imagine that is hard to do with all the liquor there."

The moment of truth had come.  "I don't go. Too much temptation, but I miss it.  Not just the drinking. I miss the whole experience.  It was my existence, and I honestly don't know if I can stay away forever.   The speaker tonight talked about finding friends that you can do things with, ones that are not involved in activities that involve drinking.  Babylon and Woody's are more than places to drink for me. They are my life."

A million thoughts ran through Justin's mind as he listened to Brian.  Things were about to get very complicated and he needed to help Brian. The 64,000 dollar question was how to help him keep his friends, find a life outside of the bars and develop new ways to spend his free time.  It was a tall order and he had no idea where to start.

TBC

Each man ate a few bites of their food, not saying anything or even looking at each other.  Brian had dropped a bombshell on Justin and Justin wasn't really sure where to begin to stop the explosion.  Brian obviously had friends, but his social life was caught up in his drinking. While this was not uncommon; Justin understood that this was not a normal situation. Many alcoholics' social life revolved around their drinking and they had specific friends that they drank with.  It wasn't uncommon for people in recovery to have to develop a whole new social group, one that didn't revolve around drinking. It appeared that Brian was different; his friends were not only the people he went to the bars with but were people he hung out with when he wasn't drinking.  It was similar to the man who said that he couldn't give up his marriage; even though that was where he did a lot of his drinking. He had to make a conscious effort to not drink when he was at home and choose other activities. It seemed to work for him.  

"So going to Babylon and Woody's is not about the drinking," Justin said, making a statement to clarify his understanding rather than asking a question.

"Yeah.  I go there to hang out with the gang, to pick up tricks, to hit the back room, to dance a little and to drink.  When I go to Woody's I play pool and have a few beers. My purpose is not to get drunk, I just want to hang out,"  Brian said as he finished the bite of turkey burger. He had no idea what the turkey burger tasted like; he was eating it for something to do rather than out of hunger.  "I drink at home, but there isn't anyone there. I don't associate Babylon or Woody's with the place I drink. Sometimes I drink when I'm entertaining a client too. I drink a lot of places."  Justin had said that sometimes it is easier to talk when you are doing something rather than just sitting face to face with people. It seemed that this was another area where Justin had the right idea.  

"Tell me about your drinking at home.  It seems that your drinking at other places is part of the activity,"  Justin asked. He was beginning to see a different picture of Brian. Brian didn't go to the bars with the intention of drinking, he went with the intention of hanging out with his friends and drinking was not the goal.  However, he was curious about the drinking at home, especially based on the phone conversation from the other night.

"What do you mean?  I drink at home. What is there to tell?"

Justin smiled at Brian's answer.  Sometimes he could be obtuse.

"Okay, let's try the question in another way.  Why do you drink at home? It seems that drinking is not the goal when you go to Babylon or Woody's but rather just a part of the big picture, and obviously, when you entertain a client, it is to be social.  But at home, you're not being social."

Brian ate another bite of his turkey burger, more to give him a few minutes to mull around his answer.  

"I drink when I have a bad day.  I drink because I want a drink. I enjoy the smooth taste with the slight burn as the liquor goes down my throat.  I drink to celebrate closing an account. I don't know what you are getting at, Justin. I drink at home. I don't need a reason."

Justin listened and kicked himself when he realized that he had missed this vital piece of information. Again, he realized that people were not round pegs that easily fit into a hole, but were more often the square peg that needed to have its edges rounded to fit the hole.

"So what have you been doing instead of going to Woody's and Babylon?"

"Go to work, to the gym and then to meetings.  After the meetings, we usually get coffee. By the time I get home it's 10:30 or so.  Sometimes I find a trick, but otherwise I turn on the TV and watch an old movie. It's a supremely boring life.  I've only had a couple weekends of sobriety, but Saturday night is probably the hardest. Meetings end at 8:00 and then we go for coffee but were done by 10:00.  10:00 is when the bars start hopping. Normally, my Saturday night would just be starting. All the gang is at the bar and I having no fucking idea what to do with myself.  Any gay man my age is at the bars crusing, dancing or fucking and I'm at home in front of the fucking tv," Brian said, the anger coming out with vehemence.

Justin scrambled for something to say.  He didn't want to give Brian platitudes about it getting better or he'd find something to do. Brian was likely to get up and leave and throw sobriety to the wolves if he suggested that course of action.  "I don't hang out at Woody's or Babylon on Saturday night," Justin said, deciding that sharing his life might be the only genuine response.

"What did you do on Saturday night when you were drinking?" Brian asked, realizing that Justin might have navigated this landmine before.

Justin smiled, happy that Brian appeared to actually want to explore the difficult topic.  "I usually was at some opening or showing of my work or that of another artist. It's important that you are seen at other events; it shows you are interested in new trends and you can look to see what other artists are doing and look at their techniques.  We don't copy other people's work, but we do like to see trends. After the official opening was over, there was usually some after hours party where you talked to other artists and patrons. Patrons are sometimes the worst. They want to be your friend or try to second guess the up and coming artists so they can get their work at a cheap price before they become "a name".  I often found myself "enjoying" the free booze a little too much at these events. It was a way to numb myself from all the pretension."

Brian nodded in understanding.  He had to entertain clients at least once a week and sometimes more often.  A client was someone he had to listen to out of professional interest despite usually finding their conversation boring and often pretentious.  Occasionally he found a client that he enjoyed taking to dinner or to an event, but that was more the exception rather than the rule. "Entertaining the client is the bane of our existence, but a necessary evil," Brian said tongue in cheek, using the cliches purposefully.  

"When my agent threatened me with getting sober or leaving me, I realized that I had better clean up my act.  She was very good and got me into a lot of galleries that I could not get my foot in the door by myself. She believed in me and my art,"  Justin said, realizing again that his agent was really in his corner.

"I imagine you still have to go to those events.  But you don't go every weekend?" Brian asked, realizing that Justin hadn't really answered the question.  

"Yeah, I go, but not every weekend.  It was a compromise between me and Amy, my agent.  I told her that I would go to two shows a month and not drink.  I told her that shows were stressful and if she wanted me to stay sober, then she would have to work with me.  She said that she didn't want to lose me as a client and was willing to forego my presence at all the events."

"So how do you not drink?  The free booze is all around you,"  Brian asked, wanting to know if there was some magic elixir that could allow him to go to Woody's and Babylon without drinking.

"I go early and take a wine glass and put water or seltzer water in it.  The kitchen staff have been told that I need to have my glasses refilled when its empty and Amy has arranged that the kitchen staff have an empty wine bottle that is just for me.  They fill it with water or seltzer and I'm the only one that gets refills from it. This works really well when it is my show. When I go to other shows, I suck on mints. Mints and alcohol taste really awful."

"I could ask the bartender for water. I'd probably get weird looks, but he'd give it to me.  That might actually work."

"Brian, from what you've told me, going to the bars is more about the camaraderie and conquest rather than drinking," Justin asked, making sure he understood what Brian had told him.

Brian thought about the question.  Camaraderie? Did he really like the gang enough to want to hang out with them without the benefit of liquor?  He thought about that question. Ted and Blake went to the bars on occasion, but Emmett went nightly, as did Michael.  Ted had told him that many nights they came home, cooked dinner and watched a movie. He wasn't sure what Emmett did when he wasn't at the bars, and he knew Michael and his Professor stayed in occasionally to do whatever the hell they did.  He really needed brain bleach if he thought of any of them having sex. While sex was a frequent topic at the diner, or even at the bars, he actually didn't think that any of their sex lives was as prolific as his own. Of course, his sex life had decreased drastically now that he wasn't going to the bars.  Not that he was celebate, Brian Kinney did not do celebate. But, he'd cut back on sex out of necessity, since his sobriety took him out of his traditional playground. Thinking of sex, he looked at the man across from him and couldn't help but picture him in his bed, his porcelain skin against the dark blue sheets, a piece of art in and of itself.  Shaking his head at that thought, he went back to his original thought.

"It is about the conquest, if I'm honest with myself, I'm just not sure about the camaraderie.  There are three of us, and all of them have significant others. Ted and Blake have histories of addiction and don't drink anymore.  They come to the bars a couple of times a month, but not daily. Emmett is there most of the time when his husband is out of town or playing.  He's a football player and can't burn the midnight oil on Saturday night before a game. So during football season, Emmett is usually around; but in the summer and off season, it's hit or miss.  They travel a lot so he's gone more than he used to be, And, Mikey, well he's almost always there. Mikey is married too, but his hubby doesn't like the bar scene and only occasionally joins us."

Justin finished his burger and took a last sip of his coffee and waived the waitress over to their table.  "Basically, you and Mikey are the only ones that consistently go to Babylon?"

Brian ran through his answer and said, " Yeah, I guess."

"So really the question is about you and Michael hanging out.  You said that Mikey has this persona of you and keeps asking you when you are going to come back to the bar?  It seems to me that it's not so much about Woody's or Babylon, but about Michael?"

Brian looked at Justin with an open mouth, starting to respond then stopping and taking a last bit of his burger.  He thought about a typical night at Babylon. He'd picked up three or four tricks, have at least half a dozen shots or 3-4 beers and hang with Mikey.  They really didn't talk much, just Mikey pointing out hot guys to Brian, as if he really needed Mikey to point to any of the hot guys available. Brian was perfectly capable of choosing and discerning any hot guy he wanted to hook up with. No wonder Mikey wanted him at the bar.  He had no one to hang out with. Mikey felt important hanging out with the King of Babylon and the King hadn't visited his Kingdom in over two weeks.  

"I hadn't thought about it in that way.  Mikey thinks he helps me by pointing out tricks and hanging out when we are at the bar.  I don't need Mikey to point out hot guys or to get encouragement to go after my third trick of the night.  When I'm traveling and go to a bar, I am just fine without him."

Brian took three packets of sugar and hit them on the table and then tore them open, pouring them into his coffee.  He took two creamers, opened the lids and added them to the mixture. Afterwards, he took his spoon and stirred the drink.  Putting his spoon on the saucer, he lifted up the coffee cup and took a sip. "Good. I guess they do have good coffee here."

"Okay, wise one, we have solved the problems of the world regarding Mikey.  He will have to re-invent his role as sidekick." Brian smiled at that description.  He thought about Mikey's favorite saying, ‘I'm Brian's best friend.' It was as if his identity was directly related to Brian.   "I have a possible solution to drinking when I'm at the bars, but I still think Mikey will balk."

"Only one way to see if it works," Justin said as he smiled at Brian.

"True.  But what if it doesn't and I start drinking again.  I know it's only been a couple of weeks, but Brian Kinney is not a failure."

"I could come with you. I haven't been to the bars in ages and I love to give my tail feathers a work out," Justin offered.

"Your presence would definitely be a deterrent and a reminder.  But..."

"Brian, remember the speaker tonight talked about doing things socially with those in the group, making new social groups to replace the ones you had when you were drinking.  It would be fun to go hang out with you at Babylon. Not everyone who goes to the clubs is there to drink. You said yourself that your friends Ted and Blake go and they are in recovery."

"Okay.  Sounds like a plan.  I do miss the thrill of the hunt.  Why don't we try for Thursday, its busier then but not as busy as Friday and Saturday night," Brian suggested.  Smiling and feeling some real anticipation for the first time in almost a month, Brian said, "Thanks for volunteering."

They finished their meals and paid the bill, then walked back toward the rec center where the AA meeting was held.  The traffic was almost non existent, being after 10:00 on a weeknight. Each man was quiet for the first block of their walk.

"You really don't have to come to Babylon with me.  I don't need a babysitter," Brian said, thinking about people's reaction to Justin.  

"Brian, I'm not your keeper or babysitter.  I am a gay man who likes to dance and who hasn't been to Babylon in a while.  It just so happens that I'm your sponsor. Its common for people in recovery to do things socially with other people in recovery.  Going to the bars for you is not really to drink,.... Unless you are lying to yourself and to me. Going to the bars is for your own recreation and you want to continue that activity.  There is liquor in a lot of places in our community. Hell, you can buy beer at the kid soccer game where your son plays. There is liquor in the grocery store. There is liquor at the bowling alley.  There is liquor at the baseball and football games. It is everywhere. Do people go to the ballgame and get drunk? Sure. Do people go to the ballgame with the intention of getting drunk or are they there to watch the game?  Some people associate going to the game with drinking and for some people drinking is just a part of the experience. If you never wanted to be around liquor again, you would have to be like Rapunzel and lock yourself in a high tower.  Part of recovery is learning to successfully navigate life without drinking just because it is available." Justin walked down the sidewalk alongside Brian. Since it was late at night, they were the only two people on that side of the street.  Across the street a little grey Schnauzer was being walked by an older man with graying hair. The statement that dogs resemble their owners or vice versa appeared to be apparent in this pairing. They had just walked under a street lamp and Justin caught a glance at the pair and thought they looked like they belonged together.  

Brian listened and didn't interrupt Justin.  "When you talk it makes perfect sense, but when I get home or am alone with my thoughts, it all becomes a collage of half thoughts and questionable reasoning.  I mean, there is liquor everywhere, but I'm not really tempted to have a drink everytime I go to the grocery store or to Gus' soccer game. I buy liquor when I'm out at home, but that isn't everytime I go to the store," Brian said.  "Actually, that might not really be true. I don't shop for groceries very often. I eat out a lot; I don't cook. So, going to the grocery store might actually be a result of needing a fresh bottle of Jack or Jim."

"You have liquor in your home?" Justin asked as they crossed the street at the end of the second block.

"Yeah.  I have a whole cabinet.  Remember the other night when I told you that I wanted to have a drink since I had a for shit day." Brian said, trying to remind Justin about their conversation.

"Yeah, I remember.  Brian. Liquor in your home is a whole lot more temptation then going to a bar," Justin said, hoping that Brian would make the leap to getting rid of the temptation on his own.  He was not the liquor police, just as he had told Brian. But he did feel a responsibility as Brian's sponsor that he should encourage him to develop good habits, and one of those was getting rid of the temptation that was sitting right in his own home.

"True.  But I haven't drunk any yet.  I thought the first few weeks would be the point of highest temptation and I've been successful so far," Brian said. He had successfully navigated his attempt at self pity and drinking and thought he could do so again without difficulty.  

"At dinner, you said that you drink at home for a lot of reasons.   It appears that at Babylon and Woody's, drinking is part of the experience, but there is no experience in your home.  At least you haven't given me any indication that there is," Justin said as he smiled at Brian before continuing. "You are avoiding Babylon and Woody's as there is liquor there, but you keep liquor in your home?"   Justin was quiet for a few moments, giving Brian time to process his conversation.   

"When I started AA I had a butt load of liquor in my house.  I gave it to my mom. I've never regretted that decision. Having to go out and buy a fresh bottle, made me stop and really question whether the journey to the store was worth my hard earned sobriety.  It proved to be a successful strategy. Every time I went to the place I stored my liquor in my home and it was empty, it was a visual reminder of how far I'd come. You'd be surprised at how powerful an empty cabinet was in my recovery.  Now that cabinet holds art supplies and small canvases. I don't see it as my liquor cabinet at all."

"I guess I should get rid of the liquor. But throwing it down the drain...  I could give it to Debbie or Mikey, but then they would ask why I'm giving my booze away,"  Brian said when he realized that Justin made a good argument. There really wasn't a reason to keep the liquor.  He knew he would eventually have to come clean about his sobriety, but he wasn't sure he was ready to do that yet.  "I could always tell them that Gus is getting to the age that many kids start to experiment and since I want to have him around more, I don't want it in the house.  That would get rid of it without telling them anything," Brian said, pleased with his idea.

"Brian, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life or who to tell or not tell about your sobriety, but honesty with yourself and your family is a big piece of the process.  Hiding your non drinking status from everyone isn't really in the spirit of recovery," Justin said, deciding that he really did need to call Brian on his deceptive practices. "Working hard on your sobriety is just as important as working hard on your lifestyle and reimagining what your new life is going to look like.  I don't think you would want to keep this big piece of your life a secret from your friends and family," Justin said, hoping Brian wouldn't balk at his honesty.

Justin had been down this sobriety road for a while now, and he had successfully navigated the land mines of telling friends, family and colleagues.  But he was not Brian Kinney, stud of Liberty Avenue. He didn't have a reputation to uphold. Then Brian stopped his thoughts. Justin did have a reputation to uphold; his professional one, and it had been very much in jeopardy as a result of his drinking.  He did have to change and let everyone in his sphere know that he had changed. His life and livelihood depended on living a sober lifestyle. Hell, his agent had bent over backwards to come up with a workable solution so that no one questioned his drinking habits at openings where the wine and food were equally scrutinized as much as the art work.  

"I guess I can't keep the drinking or non- drinking thing a secret forever.  It appears that I'm working harder at keeping it a secret than I ever did at flaunting my drinking and drugging.  I flaunted my drinking and showed everyone how much I could imbibe, yet still be incredibly successful in my personal and professional life.  I never tried to hide my drinking; it was as much a part of me as my tricking. I have to wonder why I'm working so hard at hiding the fact that I'm not drinking," Brian said.  

They crossed the last block and the center where the AA meeting was held was on the back corner.  Brian's brain was tired, he and Justin had hit on some big issues tonight and he really wanted to contemplate their implications in his sobriety.  Why was he working so hard at hiding his sobriety? Could he really hit up Babylon and successfully only drink water? Was Babylon about the drinking, drugging and sex or more about the sex?  Did he want to get rid of his liquor at home? Could he get rid of it and what would he do with it?  

"You've given me so much to think about, I doubt my brain will shut up enough to let me get some sleep.  Thank you so VERY much, " Brian said, tongue in cheek. "Seriously, I do have a lot to think about. Consider your job as a sponsor successful for tonight.  Tomorrow, at the Clark Hall? 7:30, right?"

Justin got out his proverbial piece of paper that had all the meetings listed and the ones they had agreed upon were highlighted.  "Yep, Clark Hall @ 7:30. Later, Brian," Justin said.

They walked the last few yards to their respective cars and drove away.  

TBC 

Brian drove home as he mulled over their conversation from dinner.  His first thought was to damn Justin for bringing up all these issues, but then he accepted that Justin was trying to help him be the best man he could be.  This would be a sober version of Brian Kinney, stud of Liberty Avenue, who no longer drank. Justin made it seem so easy and logical. Go to the bars and drink water or seltzer and still enjoy all the activities there.  He was excited about the prospect of returning to Babylon and hoped Justin was right. He could go back to picking up tricks, something he desperately wanted to do. Tricking was a part of him; he prided himself on being able to have any man he wanted just by giving him a look and a raised eyebrow.  Brian Kinney was neglecting his kingdom and he needed to return to his subjects. He was pretty confident he would not drink if Justin accompanied him; Justin would be a good deterrent. Brian bristled at the thought that he needed a keeper to keep him away from the liquor, but decided he wouldn't allow his brain to explore that road.  It would be another thought to add to his ever growing pile of half finished musings.

He thought about the liquor in his home.  Justin had challenged him, asking why he had liquor there.  It was different than Babylon, where picking up tricks was the goal, not drinking.  But at home, the only purpose the alcohol had was for him to drink it. He didn't entertain at his home.  Well, technically he brought tricks there, but that was a different kind of entertaining. He didn't offer his tricks anything but a stiff cock and hot sex.  If he were honest with himself and intended to maintain his sobriety, he had no use for liquor in his home. Damn.  Justin really manages to push the envelope.  Now what the fuck am I going to do with all that liquor.  Sure, I could pour it down the drain, but that is a waste of good liquor.  I guess this thought won't go to the growing pile of musings. I'm going to have to come up with a solution.

He pulled into his parking spot, took the elevator up to his loft, and went inside.  After dropping his keys in the basket by the door, he automatically walked toward the liquor cabinet for a drink.  What the fuck?  I haven't walked over here since the night Mikey showed up at the loft telling me Deb was coming to watch Gus.  He opened the door and looked inside.  There were two bottles of Beam, a bottle of Vodka and a few six packs of beer.  There was a decanter that was empty on top of the cabinet. Brian stood there, looking at the liquor, debating if he could or should take a drink.   No one would know if I took a drink.  I know I have to stop drinking when I'm not  home. I can't chance getting behind the wheel of a car again. Can I still drink at home? Am I really an alcoholic? After all, I run a multi million dollar company and make critical decisions every day.  Alcoholics don't run successful companies. My mother is an alcoholic, although she says that she is just drinking "to calm her nerves". Pops was an alcoholic too. Every fucking day he came home and drank away his failures.  If he wasn't drinking at home, he was drinking at the Union Hall with his buddies. Both of them were failures. I am neither. I am a successful businessman. Surely one drink would be okay. 

But Brian stopped himself and closed the door to the cabinet.  He had read the Big Book and listened to enough meetings to know he was fooling no one.  Shit!  Fuck! I'm as bad as my parents.  I'm drinking to escape my life. What the fuck!

He looked at the time, it was only 9:30.  He picked up his phone and hit a button.

"Bri, everything okay?"  Ted asked, as he looked at the clock on the mantle.  It had been a gift from his mother when he bought his condo.  It was a clock radio and was deep cherry wood. There were small speakers on either side of the clock, but he never used the radio, preferring to use his state of the art audio system to listen to opera.  He'd had a tenuous relationship with his mother in his early adult life, but when she found out he was gay and was happy for the first time in his life, she embraced his choices. Every time he looked at the clock he smiled and thought of his mother and how lucky he was that she accepted who he was and his partner.

"What did you do with the liquor in your house?" Brian asked, choosing to decline social amenities by saying hello and asking if it was too late to call or if he was busy.

Ted quickly realized this was not a social call and sat down in his favorite leather chair.  "I emptied it in the sink. Emmett came over and we gathered all my bottles and it took us about 20 minutes.  He knew all the secret places I kept my liquor so he was instrumental in the process. He wouldn't let me get away with hiding any for ‘one last drink'.  Do you want me to come over and help you?" Ted said. He knew his friend was at a critical juncture in his journey and Brian would most likely not want to ask for help, even if it would be very helpful.  By volunteering, Ted took the task of asking out of the equation.

There was silence on the other end of the phone.  Ted knew Brian was mostly likely struggling with this step in the process.  He knew he was attending meetings and avoiding Babylon. He'd heard enough of Michael's whining to know that Brian had not been seen at Woody's or Babylon in a few weeks and Michael was not happy about it.  Ted was somewhat surprised that Brian had not thrown out his liquor prior to today, but he wasn't going to question his friend, just offer his support.

Brian thought about Ted's offer.  He had a conversation with Justin earlier tonight about getting rid of his liquor and Justin had questioned why he still had the liquor so easily accessible.  He could have called Justin and asked, but that seemed a little too intimate for him. Justin in his apartment, so close to his bed, was too much of a temptation at this time.  He needed Justin to be his sponsor more than he needed him as a notch on his proverbial bedpost.  

Shitt !  I chose Ted because he wouldn't judge me, would support my decision to throw away the liquor.  Mikey would try to convince me that I wasn't an alcoholic, that I was Brian Kinney, stud of Liberty Avenue.  If I asked Lindsay, she would chastise me and would probably try to keep me away from Gus. She would speak using her country club voice and perfect manners, explaining that she had to keep Gus safe and  I could be a bad influence. My "family" would judge me and then I would want to go drink, completing the vicious circle. Well, I'm certainly fucked and not in a good way. 

"Yes," Brian answered.  He knew that Ted would intuitively understand that Brian needed him now, not tomorrow or in a few hours.

"I'll be there in about 20 minutes.  Do you need me to stay on the phone with you until I get there?" Ted said as he offered unsolicited support. He was already gathering his car keys and jacket and walking toward the study where Blake was doing some work on a presentation he was going to give at a conference in a few weeks.  

"No. I'm going to take a shower. Even though I don't drink in the shower.  Watered down booze is a waste of good whiskey," Brian said as he felt a sense of relief wash over him.  You know the code to get in the building and I'll leave the door unlocked just in case you get here before I'm done.  I had the locks changed a few days ago." 

"See you in a bit,"  Ted said. He walked into the study and looked at Blake sitting, deep in thought, almost oblivious to his presence.

"Give me about 10 minutes and then I'll be done.  I'm sorry that I've been at this all night," Blake said as he looked at his husband and gave him a smoldering look as his eyes traveled up and down Ted's body.  He unconsciously licked his lips, thinking about the treasures underneath Ted's clothing.  

"Gotta take a rain check.  Brian just called and he wanted to know what I did with my liquor.  I offered to help him pour it down the drain," Ted said, knowing this was all the explanation Blake needed.  

"You're a good man, Ted.  Everyone should have a friend like you."  Blake stood up and gave Ted a quick kiss on the lips.  "See you when you get back."

Ted drove to Brian's loft and arrived within 15 minutes. The streets were fairly empty as it was a Monday. While Brian lived close to Liberty Avenue, he was far enough away to avoid the traffic, congestion and noise from the "gay part of town".  He wanted to be close to his "playground" but not directly inside it. His commute was only seven minutes and Brian enjoyed living so close to the area.  

Ted had chosen a more suburban living option.  He and Blake were not like Michael and Ben, who chose to live in a predominantly gay neighborhood.  Ted and Blake lived about 15 minutes away from their respective workplaces and did not socialize much with their neighbors.  Both were very busy with their jobs and while they found their neighbors nice enough, they chose to interact with them on a casual basis.

Ted parked his car in the lot across the street and walked to Brian's building.  He used the code to get in the building and took the elevator up to the unit. Letting himself in, he closed the door but didn't lock it.  Looking around the open area, he noticed the lack of personal items. It was a beautiful space but looked like it was staged for a photo session.  He recognized high end furnishing and noticed the details of the furniture. He paid Brian's bills so knew that he didn't scrimp when it came to his clothing or the furniture in his home. He even had high end appliances in his kitchen which Ted found amusing since he knew Brian did not cook.  He heard the water shut off just as he had walked in the door and sat on the couch to wait for Brian.  

While he knew where the liquor was kept, and could have most likely been done with the task of pouring it down the drain before Brian got dressed and joined him; he knew that a big part of this task was that Brian did the pouring.  Brian had to physically choose to get rid of the liquor. He needed to part with it by choice; otherwise it would lose the impact of disposal.  

Ted heard footsteps in the bedroom and yelled out, "Bri, I'm here."

"Be out in a minute," Brian yelled back.  He was glad that Ted was prompt and that he didn't have to wait for his arrival.  There were definite advantages to having an accountant as your friend, punctuality and promptness were inbred personality traits.  He didn't have to worry that Ted would have taken time to run an errand or taken an hour to get out of the house.

Brian came out of the bedroom dressed in a pair of jeans and a wife beater.  He looked a little tense and Ted chalked it up to anxiety of addressing the next step in his recovery.  

"So how do we do this?" Brian asked.

"How do you want to do this, Bri?  There isn't a manual on how to get rid of your liquor.  I would say that you gather it all up, we take it to the sink and then you pour it down.  But if you have other ideas...."

"Sounds like a plan.  Liquor cabinet is over here,"  Brian said as he walked toward the cabinet.  Like all the other furniture in his home, it was simple and understated but of obvious high quality.  It stood on four legs and was made from Makassar and Birch Wood veneer and casted Bronze. The cabinet was about 20 inches from the floor.  It had an oval in the middle and two half ovals on either side. It opened up to display four shelves to store your liquor on. https://bernadettelivingston.com/shop-by-room/dining-room-furniture/breakfronts-china-cabinets/rahart-collection-bar-cabinet.html

Brian had several bottles inside the cabinet, but just as his furnishings were sparse, so was his liquor cabinet.  Ted decided Brian did most of his drinking at Babylon or Woody's so his collection at home would reasonably be small.

"This all?  No secret stash?"

"No.  I don't have any secret stash.  Why would I? I'm not hiding my drinking from anyone.  I live alone, no one keeps tabs on me," Brian said as he thought of the many arguments his parents had on a regular basis regarding his father's whereabouts on any given night.  His mother always seemed to know his father was at the Union Hall with his buddies drinking, but she almost never failed to question him about his activities for the evening. Brian never understood their argument as he knew the end would always involve his body being beaten as his father lashed out at his mother.  His father never hit his mom, at least that he could remember, but someone his anger would be perpetuated on Brian.

"Okay. that makes sense.  Let's gather the liquor and take it to the sink," Ted said as he took the beer toward the sink.  

Brian grabbed the two bottles of Beam, one partially drank and the other one that had never been opened.  Ted went back to grab the bottle of Vodka and stood it next to all the other liquor by the sink.

Brian reached for the Vodka.  "I have absolutely no idea why I have Vodka.  I must have bought it for a party which seems odd since I don't have parties."  He hit his hand on his head. "Oh yeah, it must have been left over from the party I gave Mikey for his 30th birthday.  That was some time ago. I remember the party. I invited that woman, what was her name... anyway she was pining after Michael.  She worked with him and she thought he was attracted to her when he was just too scared to come out at work. Glad he finally wised up.  Took him long enough. That must be where this came from." Brian paused as he calculated the time lag. "Well it's got to be at least 8 maybe 9 years ago.  This one should be easy to dispose of. It's been sitting here for this long and I've never opened it." He opened the bottle and poured the liquid down the drain.  

Grabbing the 6 pack of beer, he popped the first top and started pouring it down the drain as well.  "I usually keep beer for Mikey. He's not a very sophisticated drinker and prefers beer. I guess he'll have to bring his own if he wants one when he visits.  I'm never tempted to drink the beer as I think it takes like piss water. Not that I've ever had piss water..."

Ted listened and didn't comment.  He knew Brian had to make peace with his choices and say goodbye in his own way.  So far the purge was easy as it appeared that Brian did not have any vested interest in the liquor that he was draining into the sink.  The hard part would be when he got to the whiskey.  

Brian finished pouring the last of the beer down the drain when they heard the door slide open.  Both men looked at each other and turned toward the door.

Michael walked into the loft and started talking, "Hey Bri.  I tried to use my key but it wouldn't work. You might want to get that looked at.  Hate to have you calling a locksmith at 3:00 in the morning when you were locked out of your home."  Michael grinned at the thought of a drunk Brian calling a locksmith in the early hours of the morning.  "But I thought I'd see if the door was open and it was. Lucky me. I thought I would come by and see if you were up to going to Babylon tonight.  It's been ages since you've been there and I know you miss going to the back room. Your cock is probably standing at attention just by my mentioning the place.  I know it's a Monday and things are slow, but there are still guys to fuck." As he located Brian in the kitchen, he saw the two men standing by the sink with a bunch of empty bottles and cans on the counter.  "Hey Ted, What are you guys doing?"

Brian was instantly on guard.  He was never more thankful that Ted was there.  He didn't need excuses, but Ted could serve as a distraction, keeping Michael in the dark regarding their activities. He thought back to his conversation with Justin earlier in the evening.  He couldn't believe that it was just a few hours ago he was talking to Justin about the liquor in his home and whether he should tell his family about his sobriety. It appeared that he was at a critical juncture in his recovery. He could tell Michael and see if he supported him, or he could continue to avoid his friend.  

He had a decision to make and it could literally change his life.

TBC

As Michael talked Brian's mind was able to complete some of his half formed thoughts in a manner of minutes.  I could tell Michael the truth, but if I did it now, the repercussions could be enormous.  Michael doesn't know how to keep a secret and often doesn't think before he speaks. He would just share the news that I'm going to AA to anyone and everyone that he met on Liberty Avenue or at the diner. He wouldn't think of the impact this information could have on my life.  It would give him some gossip to share and he would feel important for the few minutes that people would talk about "my downfall". He would have his 15 minutes of fame. Michael has a difficult time seeing the big picture or how his actions affect others. I have to protect me and my relationship with Gus more than I need to tell Michael the truth at this point in time.    

I want to talk to the lawyer about Gus and see what my rights are.  If Lindsay found out before I've accomplished that task, I'm fearful she would cut off my access to Gus.  The longer I don't have access to Gus, the more I might question if sobriety is worth it. After all, Gus was a huge part of why I contemplated and decided to seek sobriety.  I was scared when I walked away from the accident that totaled my car, but knowing that Gus could have been with me was even more frightening.  

It's imperative that I have my rights safeguarded before Lindsay finds out about my AA attendance.  She knows me well enough to put two and two together. She would realize that something significant happened that resulted in my decision to attend AA.  She understands that I don't make rash decisions. Everything I do is well thought out and the consequences weighed before I make major changes. She would see my attendance at AA as a major change and she would extrapolate that there was more to the decision than a desire to be sober. Accidents are public record and Melanie, Lindsay's she wolf, would quickly hunt down the accident report and potentially use it against me and limit my visitation with Gus.  I can't allow that to happen. There is more at stake than Michael knowing about my sobriety journey.

"Ted brought me some paperwork to sign and found me cleaning house.  The beer in the cabinet was out of date and I know how you complain about flat beer.  Although, I really don't know how you claim to know the difference. It's all disgusting, if you ask me.  Anyway, I was throwing it away and Ted came into the kitchen to talk about a business meeting we have early in the morning.  Some concerns about it came up after I left the office this afternoon. He was just filling me in. I've got an early presentation tomorrow and I still have work to do on it, so you'll just have to go by yourself.  I'll walk you out and make sure the door locks. Definitely wouldn't want some stranger walking in on me in mid fuck," Brian said, tongue in cheek. Brian walked toward the door while Ted stayed in the kitchen.  

Michael stood at the doorway and said, "But Briannnnn, it's been forever since you've been to Babylon, you don't have to stay long.  Just one drink and I'll let you go home," Michael pleaded.

"Mikey, you are not my mother, and I don't need your permission to leave Babylon.  I'll come and go as I please. But right now, I have a business to run and an important meeting in the morning.  Now run along and go spend the evening with your hubby or go to Babylon and pick up a few tricks for me." Brian practically pushed Michael out of the loft and quickly closed the door, making sure that the lock was set.

He turned toward Ted and said, "I think we have some Beam to pour down the drain."   Brian went to the sink, opened the half full bottle and poured it down the drain. He opened the remaining bottle and did the same.  "Well, now my sponsor will be happy," Brian smiled and looked at Ted.

"Brian, sure your sponsor will be happy, but you shouldn't do this for your sponsor. Sobriety should be for you and only you," Ted said.  He decided that he needed to put away the friend persona and don the recovering addict voice. "Why did you decide today that you needed to get rid of the liquor?  Your accident was over three weeks ago and to my knowledge you haven't drank since that time." Ted didn't want to stand by the sink to have this conversation; he wanted to look at Brian and watch his body language.  As sophisticated as Brian was at communication, his body still told a lot more about his thoughts than he realized. He walked toward the living room where the Rococo white leather sofa was the centerpiece of the room.  There was a contrasting leather Rococo chair to the right of the sofa and a Swedish Rococo coffee table in front of it. There was a 60 inch mounted television on the wall facing the sofa so that Brian could view it head on.  The liquor cabinet was in the corner immediately to the right of the door. The furniture was stark and Ted often thought Brian's home felt impersonal. But this was not the time to discuss Brian's decorating taste. He'd been called by his boss and close friend to help him in an important task in his journey to sobriety, and now he wanted to help him by talking about his actions.  He knew Brian didn't share feelings, but Ted also knew that sharing was an important part of recovery. "Let's sit down." he motioned to the couch and walked toward it, sitting down and hoping Brian would follow.

Brian opened the fridge and grabbed two bottles of water before joining Ted in the living room.  He handed Ted the water and a coaster.  

"No, I haven't had anything to drink since the accident, but tonight when I came home from AA, I gravitated toward the bar as soon as I walked in the room."  Brian looked at his liquor cabinet. The doors were closed so the contents were hidden. He knew the cabinet was empty and that made him slightly uneasy.  

"I realized that my sponsor was right.  I guess I never thought about getting rid of the liquor in my house.  I associated drinking with going to Babylon and Woody's so I've stayed away from those places."  Brian's eyes got a faraway look as heard the familiar thumpa thumpa and smelled the hot sweat as it dripped off the male bodies as they danced to the music.  He quickly brought his attention back to Ted. "Justin, he's my sponsor, pointed out that there is liquor everywhere and I couldn't be like Rapunzel and lock myself in a tower to keep myself away from liquor.  There is liquor in the grocery store, in the restaurant where I entertain clients, and even at the soccer field where Gus plays." Brian quickly remembered that he had been at Gus' soccer game prior to wrapping his car around the tree.  He shuddered at the thought as he remembered walking away from the accident; unscathed, but shaken to his core. "I can't really go anywhere that doesn't have liquor. But when I talked about the liquor in my house, he asked why I had it there.  Choosing not to drink at Woody's or Babylon or at Gus' soccer game might be hard but just because it is there doesn't mean that I have to drink it. It's different at home. I put it there. If it isn't there then there is no way to drink it. If I want a drink I would have to go somewhere to get it."  Brian twisted the cap off his bottle of water and took a long drink. Talking made him thirsty. He loved giving a pitch but sharing feelings and his thoughts was new to him. One of those half-formed thoughts that he had been struggling with in the last few days was dealing with his feelings. He hadn't talked to Justin about it, but he was beginning to realize that drinking was a way to avoid people and his feelings.  It was much easier to drown his bad days, or celebrate his good ones, with liquor than to talk about them He'd always thought talking and sharing was for Lesbians but he was beginning to understand that talking could be beneficial.

"I realized that keeping liquor here was not being true to my sobriety.  If I truly am going to give up drinking, there was no reason to have it in my home.  Having the bottles in my home and not drinking them was my way of still denying there was a problem.  If I could keep liquor in my home and not drink it, then I wasn't an alcoholic." Brian grinned and looked at Ted for the first time since they sat down.  He watched for his reaction, hoping that Ted wouldn't judge his actions.  

"That's pretty common.  Admitting you are an alcoholic or addict is rough.  No one wants to admit they have problems and that this is something that they are unable to manage by themselves.  You are always helping others and never ask for anything," Ted said as he nodded his head in agreement. "I imagine you have read the 12 steps to sobriety.  Admitting that you have a problem is the first step. Telling someone that you want to drink, or have a slip up and drank is okay, too. I'm glad you called tonight. I'm here if you ever need me."

Brian said, "Thanks.  Aren't you going to ask me why I didn't explain to Mikey what we were really doing?"  

"If you want to tell me, sure, but you don't owe me an explanation." Ted took several drinks from his water bottle and placed it on the coaster.  He had his suspicions why Brian did what he did but he wasn't going to assume anything

"Gus.  I need to make sure my access to Gus is safeguarded.  I don't want Lindsay finding out about any of this until I'm sure she can't use the information to keep him away from me.  Mikey doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut," Brian said. He felt relieved that he shared his thoughts. 

"That makes sense, but you know he isn't going to give up.  The longer you do not show up at Babylon, the more he is going to show up at your doorstep insisting you come with him,"  Ted said, knowing Michael's habits as well as Brian.  

"I know.  I'm planning on going to Babylon on Thursday.  I'll make sure he knows that I'll be there."

"Thursday?"  Ted asked, curious to know what Brian's thoughts were.  

"I told you what my sponsor said...  I can't avoid alcohol. It's everywhere.  I just have to learn how to control my desire to drink it.  I don't buy liquor everytime I take a client to lunch, even if they have a cocktail, and I don't buy beer every time I go to Gus's soccer game.  It's there and easily accessible but I don't do it. While Babylon has alcohol, I don't have to buy it. You and Blake go and order water or soda.  I could do the same. I'm not going to stay away from Babylon just because I don't drink anymore."

"You're planning on going to Babylon and not drinking or doing drugs.  Brian, that is a tall order. I've watched you. You drink 4 or 5 shots and usually do a tab of E or some other drug.  Do you think that you can go and not drink or do drugs?" Ted hated to be the person who didn't believe in Brian but he knew his friend really well.  Babylon was his playground and asking Brian to come to the playground and just watch would be torture.

"Ted, I know what you are thinking.  I had the same thoughts, and that is why I've avoided going to Babylon.  But my dick is getting really tired of my right hand," Brian said tongue in cheek.  "I used to pick up 3 or 4 guys a night and while I can pick up men anywhere, picking them up at AA is not my choice.  I like the thrill of the hunt; cruising the dance floor and the bar, eyeing the men for just the right combination of lust and talent. Going to Babylon is as much about picking up tricks as it is drinking.  Well for me, they are pretty equal parts, but I find picking up tricks in other places lacking. I do not want to stay away from my playground forever." Brian took a swig from his water bottle and placed it on the coaster. "The stud of Liberty Avenue needs to return to his hunting ground."

Ted listened and nodded his head.  "Okay. I get it. You realize that you are going to have to navigate the world where alcohol is easily available.  You also understand that you can't drink it just because it is there."

"Yes.  I hear the hesitation in your voice and I appreciate you not telling me this is a bad idea or trying to talk me out of it.  But I do have a plan. My sponsor is gay and loves to dance. He hasn't been to the bars in ages and agreed to come with me.  Seeing him will be a big deterrent."

"Your sponsor is coming with you to the bars?"  Ted asked, trying to keep the incredulity out of his voice.  Ted wanted to support his friend, but he also didn't want him to fail.  He listened to Brian without saying anything.  

"I know.  You are probably thinking that a sponsor shouldn't encourage an alcoholic going to a bar.  But it's like this Ted. At our meeting a few nights ago the leader talked about finding activities that you could do with friends that didn't involve drinking.  He was sharing that many people had friends they drank with and that is the only thing they did with those friends. Many people have to develop a whole new circle of friends since the ones they have are only involved in drinking activities.  I explained to Justin that I saw "the gang" outside the bar and that we had significant friendships doing other activities that didn't involve liquor. We eat breakfast most days and oftentimes lunch at the diner. We have family dinner at Debbie's and I spend time with Gus.  These are the same people that I see at the bars but our friendship isn't focused on going to the bars."

"Well that is true.   We do hang out at the bars, but that is not where we always hang out.  We have a whole life outside the bar. So is your sponsor coming to keep tabs on you?  That's not the role of a sponsor."

"No.  One of the leaders of the meeting talked about doing things socially with other AA members.  While I know this is a little unconventional, whoever said I was conventional?" Brain picked up the water bottle and twirled it in his hand and then put it back on the coaster.  "I don't see that staying away from Babylon is going to be a successful strategy for keeping me from drinking. Instead, I've got to figure out a way to go to Babylon and not drink.  I miss my playground," Brian said, the truth in his words very evident by his soft voice and eye contact with his friend.

Ted looked at his friend and saw the sincerity in his face and heard the truth in his words. He knew that Brian went to Babylon and Woodys to pick up tricks and enjoyed the thrill of the hunt.  They were truly his playgrounds. "I can see where you would miss Babylon and Woody's. I imagine picking up tricks at your AA meeting might be very awkward." He picked up the water bottle and twirled it in his hands.  It was empty, but he needed something to concentrate on while he organized his thoughts. "Bri, I understand why you feel you need to do this, but I've watched you at Babylon. The first place you go when you walk in the door is the bar.  You grab a shot or three and then oftentimes you take some E before you survey your playground. If you are planning on doing this, you need a plan."

He wanted Ted's  blessing, even though he didn't need his approval and permission.  "So you don't think I can do this?" Brian wasn't accusatory, but he was not happy about the insinuation of Ted's words.  

"Bri,  I didn't say you couldn't do this; I said you need a plan.   While it's true that you hang out with us at other places besides Babylon, your time at Babylon is really not with the gang.  We are there, but usually watching you or dancing with our partners. When you are at Babylon, you are Brian Kinney, Stud of Liberty Avenue, not Brian Kinney, friend of Ted, Michael, and Emmett.  We just happen to be there and occasionally interact with you."

Brian listened and nodded his head.  It seemed such an easy thing when he and Justin were talking.  He would go to the bars and dance and stalk his prey, and drinking would not be a part of the experience.  "A plan?"

"One of the things that recovery teaches you is to think about strategies.  As you said, alcohol is everywhere and unless you are going to live in a tower, you have to have a plan on how you are going to handle the easy access.  As much as you want to believe that Babylon is about picking up tricks, I think there is more to it."

"I guess I can't just go in and just pick up tricks.  Mikey would wonder why I'm not drinking and he probably would goad me until I ordered a drink."

"Michael could be a problem.  I know you haven't told him about your sobriety; maybe now would be a good time."  Ted understood Brian's hesitation, but if he wanted to help Brian, he knew he would have to push Brian into looking at all the angles.

"I could tell him, but we talked about why I don't think that is a good idea,"  Brian said.   

"So what is your plan?  How are you going to avoid the bar?"

"What do you and Blake do?"

"We order Seltzer water with lime and don't congregate by the bar.  We prefer to hang by the railing on the second floor or by one of the tables away from the bar.  We avoid going to the bar as much as possible."

"Well, you do have a point, Theodore.   Today is Monday and Thursday is a few days away.  I'll have to figure something out before then," Brian said a little tongue in cheek.  Brian stood up to take the empty bottles to the kitchen and placed them on the counter.  "I'll call the lawyer tomorrow about Gus. Once I'm sure about my rights to Gus, I'll tell Mikey.  Mikey will be a whole other discussion. Emmett and you were great and immediately offered to help in any way you could, but I don't think Mikey is going to have the same response."

"So you will tell Michael after you have confirmed everything with the lawyer.  That is assuming that you can find a lawyer that will be able to tell you something immediately.   If you can't get an answer right away, you need a plan."

Brian brought two more bottles of water out to the living area and handed one to Ted.  "I guess that's why you are an accountant. You like everything in the proper column." He opened his bottle, took a drink and sat down on the chair.  "My plan is Justin. We will come in together and I can ask him to steer me toward the dance floor. After I have danced a few songs, I often go to the bar for a bottle of water.  The bars are hot, especially with all those hot, sweaty men. Mikey won't question my drinking water after dancing." Brian smiled at his solution. "See, I told you I would come up with something."  

"I'll let Blake know we are going to Babylon on Thursday. We will try and distract you too.  I hope for your sake that this is successful," Ted said

"Thanks and I know it will be hard, but when did I ever do easy?"  Brian said tongue in cheek. "Thanks for coming over. I'll see you tomorrow at the office."  

Ted knew when he was being dismissed.  He was somewhat surprised that Brian had shared so much tonight.  He liked the new Brian and hoped that Brian's sobriety brought more into his life than just time with Gus.  

Looking at the clock on the microwave, he saw that it was after 11:00.  He could get online and find a trick but, he didn't have the energy. Throwing out his liquor and talking to Ted was emotionally draining.  He made sure the door was locked and the alarm was set before he undressed and got ready for bed. As he lay down, he couldn't get the visions of him dancing at Babylon with Justin out of his head.  

TBC

Brian woke Tuesday morning, sitting up in bed as he subconsciously took an inventory of his body. For more years than he could remember, he would wake up with various aches, pains, and a pounding head.  He'd started to keep acetaminophen, a bottle of water by his bed, and usually popped two in his mouth before putting his feet on the floor. He realized that he hadn't opened the bottle of pills for several weeks, actually, since he stopped drinking.  He hadn't consciously connected the absence of a pounding headache or generalized body ache to the lack of drinking at night, but now he acknowledged the two were definitely connected. He'd been coming into the office earlier, but he'd attributed that to needing to get to a meeting after work.  Now that he thought about it, he could see that it was also a result of going to bed earlier since he was not out drinking until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning. He was getting more sleep and a better quality of sleep. There were definitely some upsides to sobriety. While he spent a lot of money on booze, he wasn't one to keep close ties on his finances and left that chore to Ted.  He assumed if he asked Ted about the state of his financial affairs, Ted would tell him there was several hundred dollars more in his checking account. He smiled at that thought, thinking that he could reward himself with a new suit. 

He was jolted slightly when his alarm went off.  He hadn't looked at the clock but had woken up independently.  The jarring sound was set to rouse him even when he was soundly asleep.  While he would never admit to having hangovers, he was beginning to realize that the alcohol he used to imbibe every night often resulted in a morning brain fog.  He hit the button on the offending alarm and walked to the bathroom to start his morning routine. After dressing, he went to the kitchen to make his Guava Juice smoothie.  Sitting on the barstool at the breakfast bar as he drank the concoction, he scrolled through his phone and looked at his work emails. The clock on the microwave showed 7:45.  Brian realized this was easily half an hour earlier than he usually was ready to leave for Kinnetik.  

As he walked into the diner, he made his way to the familiar booth in the back.  Emmett and Ted were already there and looked up in surprise at his early arrival.  

"My my, you're here early," Emmett said as he noticed the restful look on Brian's face.  Emmett took notice of people's appearance, although he rarely commented unless things seemed off.  Many people thought Emmett was very superficial, but those who knew him understood he had a keen eye for detail and noticed more than he let on.  

"Sobriety does that to me. Since I'm not hanging out at the bars in the evening; I get to bed a lot earlier. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I don't wake up with a pounding headache or an achy body," Brian said tongue in cheek.

"I'm so proud of you Brian. I know that it must be hard staying away from the bars. However, are you handling celibacy?"  Emmett asked, genuinely curious.

"Honeycutt, who said I was celibate? Just because I haven't been at the bars doesn't mean that I'm not tricking. I can pick up tricks anywhere. The stud of Liberty Avenue may not be trolling Liberty Avenue, but I'm still the stud."  Brian bristled at the insinuation that he was celibate. He had a reputation to uphold and to acknowledge that his "stud" status was in jeopardy was unacceptable.   

Debbie came up to the table, smacking her gum as usual.  Taking out her ever-present notepad, she looked at Brian and said, "You're here awfully early. Have an early morning meeting?"

"Since when does everybody keep tabs on my arrivals and departures? I just happened to wake up early and figured I'd get into the office. Are we going to stand here all morning and chat about my daily routines or are you going to take my order?"  Brian said with a little bit of irritation in his voice.

"Okay, don't get your panties in a twist. What will you have?" Debbie took her pen out of her apron and started writing before Brian spoke.

 "I'll have an egg-white omelet with dry wheat toast," Brian said as he placed the menu back in the silver holding rack that sat at the back of the booth.

"Of course you will.  I really don't need to ask," Debbie said, as she looked at Emmett, waiting for him to order.

"I'll have pancakes and a side of bacon," Emmett said. "I don't order the same thing every day. I like a little spice in my life."

"I'll have two eggs scrambled hard and white toast," Ted said.

"And bring us some coffee. We all need our morning coffee. Although I'm not sure why we want this coffee as is it is usually burnt and overcooked,"  Brian said, purposefully forgetting to add ‘please' to his request.

Debbie smiled and said, "This isn't some fancy restaurant. If you don't like it you can go down the street and pay five bucks for some fancy latte. I'll get your orders up in a minute."  Debbie wasn't fazed by his words, being used to Brian's attitudes.

"You're looking good.  I guess staying away from the bars agrees with you,"  Emmett said as voiced his earlier thoughts.  

Ted was surprised that Emmett had mentioned Brian's sobriety, unaware that Brian had told anyone but himself.  He knew that he was keeping the information away from Michael and Lindsay, but Emmett was the biggest gossip around.  

Brian gave Emmett a sideways glance. He hadn't mentioned his journey into sobriety by name, but the words simply implied it.  

"Honeycutt..." Brian said with as much emphasis on the name as he could without shouting.  He ran his finger over his lips in a zipping motion and Emmett nodded.  

"Okay, I get the message.  But really Brian, you are looking relaxed and those fine lines are starting to fade around your eyes," Emmett said, acknowledging Brian's warning and throwing in a little teasing.

Brian ignored the comment, not wanting anyone to overhear their conversation.  The diner was busy, even at that hour of the morning and there were always people paying attention to the "Stud of Liberty Avenue". 

Turning toward Ted, Brian said, "When we get to work, I'll need those numbers that we were discussing yesterday."  Brian hoped that Ted could understand the reference to their conversation yesterday regarding contacting the lawyer. He wanted Ted to tally up the total amount he had provided to Mel and Linds for Gus. 

"Sure thing.  I should be able to gather that information in less than half an hour,"  Ted said as he nodded his head in understanding. He was proud of Brian for his involvement in Gus' life and his forethought regarding his continued access to him.  He thought Brian was justified in his reluctance to tell Lindsay about his sobriety. He'd been an unwilling witness to her machinations on too many occasions. He'd always wondered why Brian put up with her manipulations, but now understood that he wanted to protect himself against her whimsy regarding access to Gus.  While Ted did not want children, watching Brian with Gus made him appreciate what a child could do for a parent.  

"So how was your night, Em?" Ted asked, hoping to return the conversation back to more neutral ground.  

"Good. Drewsie was home for a change and we spent a nice night in," Emmett said as he got a dreamy look in his eyes.  "I never thought my Drewsie would settle down, but, everyone would be so shocked to know how gentle..."

"Stop right there, Honeycutt.  I do not need to know about your sex life.  It makes my dick soft," Brian said as he rolled his eyes and looked toward Ted to change the subject. 

Emmett just smiled at his friend. "I know you are just jealous. Haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to have someone waiting for you at home?"

"No," Brian said.  He was grateful that Debbie chose that moment to bring the food.  He could concentrate on eating and not continue this conversation.  

After eating, he waved Debbie over for his bill.  Without glancing at the total, he put down a $20.00 bill and walked toward the front of the diner.  Crossing the street, he walked to Kinnetik and went to his office. Ted left shortly after Brian, eager to gather the information that Brian wanted.  

About 45 minutes later, Ted knocked on Brian's door and brought in a few spreadsheets. "Here is the information we discussed, Bri.  I took the liberty of breaking it down by month and category for those deposits that we know the purpose. In the 10 years that you have been giving money to them, you usually provide over $1000 a month to them.  Each time Lindsay has asked for money for a specific purpose, I have noted it in the accounts. On any given month, you have provided $500 for after school care, $250.00 for enrichment activities and another $250.00 for clothing and food assistance. In talking to my sister, her ex only provides $400 a month and she has two kids.  You're not even court ordered to support Gus"

"Theodore, I don't need a court to tell me to support my son," Brian said, bristling at the insinuation.

"I know.  You have never balked at any request from Lindsay regarding money for Gus.  I'm just saying that any judge would have a hard time denying that you have financially supported him as well as spending every other weekend with him.  I think if Lindsay balked at giving you access to Gus, she wouldn't have much of an argument." 

"I'd still like to talk to the lawyer.  If she gives me any grief, I know I will have the law behind me."  Smiling at his words, Brian continued, "I would have never thought that I would be having this discussion with anyone 10 years ago.  Who would have thunk that Brian Kinney would be concerned about his continued involvement in his son's life?"

"I know, Bri, but you enjoy the time you spend with Gus.  I've never said anything, but when you talk about him or the things the two of you do together, your face lights up.  No matter what anyone says, he is important to you," Ted said as he placed the spreadsheet on Brian's desk. "I'll leave you to make your calls.  I know we have that conference call with Brown Athletics at 11:00, and you'll want time to review their file before the call." Ted turned, closing the door as he left the office.

Brian picked up the spreadsheets and studied them for a few moments.  He had plenty of money and didn't begrudge Gus having the best, but based on the numbers, Mel and Linds should have had plenty of money to buy him new cleats every week, let alone pay for clothes that didn't come from Target. He decided that he would be more involved in how the money was spent on Gus.  He contemplated cutting back on the money and buying all of Gus' clothing and decided that it was a good strategy. He hated seeing his son in clothes bought at a retail chain when he could easily be wearing higher quality clothing. Also, if he bought all Gus' clothing, he would hopefully put an end to the constant whining that Lindsay did as she complained about the expense of buying new clothes and shoes.  It seemed to him that Gus frequently asked Brian for new clothes stating that his mothers balked and complained when he had outgrown his old ones. Happy with his decision, he reviewed the list of lawyers, reviewing Ted's comments about each one. He went on the internet and reviewed a few of the choices and found one that listed working with Same-Sex couples. He didn't need some homophobic asshole dealing with his situation.  While he did not usually choose a business based on their social views or their practices in working with Gay and Lesbians, in this situation, he wanted to utilize a firm that demonstrated some commitment to that sector of the population. Choosing one, he called the number of the office.

"Beroes  Law Center.  How may I direct your call?"

"I'd like to make an appointment."

"May I ask what type of legal query you are seeking?  We want to ensure that you are talking to one of our lawyers that specializes in the field."

"I have a visitation concern."

"Do you have a preference for an attorney? All of our staff are experienced in this area."

"My child lives with his mothers but my visitation is at their discretion.  I'd like to talk about my rights. I'd like to talk to someone who has experience in this type of situation."

"Our lawyers have over 50 years of combined experience.   We understand the intricacies of the law regarding same-sex couples.  I have an opening tomorrow afternoon at 3:00."

"That will be acceptable."

"What is your name, sir?"

"Brian Kinney."

"Thank you, Mr. Kinney.  We are located at 4054 Penn Avenue.  We look forward to meeting with you tomorrow."

"Goodbye,"  Brian said as he hung up the phone.  

Tomorrow, he would hopefully have an answer regarding his rights.  Depending on the discussion with the lawyer, he might seek permanent legal protection for his relationship and access to Gus.  Now that he wasn't drinking, he did find that he had more time on his hands. Both Justin and Ted had told him he would need to rethink his day to day life and find some meaningful activities.  He was beginning to realize that without his daily attendance at Babylon and Woody's he had large blocks of time to pursue other interests. The problem was that he didn't have any idea what those other interests might be.  His life had consisted of working and tricking. He hadn't ever thought about other things. He saw Gus on the weekends and had him overnight once a month. 

Looking at the clock on his computer screen, he realized that it was close to 11:00 and he had to get ready for his conference call.  He would have to think about his life at a later time. The remainder of the day went by quickly and when Brian's phone alarm went off at 6:00, he was surprised that it was that late.  He finished the email that he was writing, hit send, and shut down his computer.  

He wanted to talk to Ted and provide him with an update.  Walking into his office, Ted looked up as he saw Brian in his peripheral vision.  

"I was really pleased with the new contract from Brown Athletics.  I think we have a lot of potential to expand the contract in the next few years," Ted said.  He often sat in on the conference calls with long term clients. It helped him keep a pulse on the financials of the company.  He remembered when Kinneitk first started with their advertising and they had almost lost the account when Drew came out of the closet.  Brian was instrumental in saving the account and supporting Drew's choices. Now, Emmett and Drew were a long time couple. It always amazed him to think about how their group had changed over the years. 

"Did you do anything with the spreadsheets?" Ted didn't want to mention the purpose of the information, even though he knew that the employees at Kinnetik practiced discretion and were always held to secrecy.  Due to the proprietary nature of their work, no one could talk about a campaign or other things that occurred in the business for fear of sharing private information. While Brian was an excellent boss and provided a lot of supportive services to his employees, he did not make a habit of sharing any personal information with his staff.  As far as he knew, he hadn't shared his sobriety journey with Cynthia, his personal assistant. Although, he was fairly certain that she had noticed some important changes in their boss.  

"I looked at your research and did a little more on my own.  I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon with Beroes law firm," Brian said.  He walked to the window in Ted's office and looked out at the street. Their offices were not in a high rise so there was not a view of the cityscape.  Brian had chosen to convert a bathhouse in the gay and lesbian section of town instead of the conventional high rise that many advertising agencies chose. He wanted to stand out and be noticed.  He looked outside and saw a few people walking down the street. There was a woman and her partner pushing a baby stroller, a gay couple holding hands and two men talking, appearing to have a heated discussion as evidenced by their active hand movements. He had never really paid a lot of attention to people, but after spending time at AA meetings and talking to Justin, he was beginning to notice his surroundings more.   

"Their website boasts that they are familiar with the legal concerns of same-sex couples.  Normally, I could care less about their acceptance, but in this situation, I wanted someone who at least says they serve that population."  Brian had put the words "Same-sex" in air quotes, even though he knew Ted knew what he was talking about. 

"I'm not sure how many situations are like mine.  I would imagine that most of their clients are the ones that are married and are wanting to dissolve the union.  I have zero interest in marrying a woman or for that matter a man." Brian scowled at the thought of anyone associating marriage and him in the same sentence.

"And, truth be told, I would have told you 10 years ago, I had no interest in being a father.  I still don't want to be married and can't imagine being with the same person all the time, but I do want to be involved in Gus's life."  He smiled, remembering the movie night they recently shared. He really enjoyed hanging out with Gus, and never saw it as a chore.

"It's ironic.  I would imagine that people who drink are estranged from their families, and are threatened with continued access to their children as a result of their drinking.  But, here I am and I'm just the opposite. Now that I have stopped drinking, I'm worried that my access to my son will diminish. I'm fearful that his mother will find out about my accident and deny me access to him."

"Really Bri, they are one and the same.  For those parents who drink, their families are concerned for their children's safety and want to limit the amount of time they are put in a position where they might get in a car with a parent who drinks,"  Ted explained. He didn't like contradicting Brian, but in this case, he felt that Brian really needed to admit why he was so concerned about Lindsay.

"I think you're afraid that Lindsay will find out about your drinking and forbid your access to Gus.  Lindsay has always known that you drank, but she turned a blind eye since you appeared to be invincible and never had any consequences from it.  When she hears that you are attending AA, she should be assured that Gus won't be put in harm's way," Ted said.

Brian listened to his friend but didn't wholly agree with his statement.  He held out his hand and touched his finger to the index finger of the other hand.  "What you say is true Ted, but she would manage to twist things. She is always looking for some reason to deny me access to Gus.  I could see her deciding that I would not be successful in my efforts to lead a sober life. She would throw my attendance at Babylon and Woody's in my face, and try to talk both of us into believing that I could never stay away from them."

He touched his finger to the second finger on the other hand and continued, "If I couldn't stay away, then I would return to drinking and therefore put Gus in jeopardy.  That is why it is so critical that I investigate my legal rights. I've known Lindsay for a long time and she isn't to be trusted. I think she likes to hold Gus as a bargaining tool to get what she wants."

"Bargaining tool.  I don't understand," Ted said.

"Lindsay has always wanted to be rich and show off her nice things.  After looking at the spreadsheets you gave me, I believe that she uses Gus as an excuse for me to supplement her bank account."   Brian went over to Ted's mini-fridge and grabbed a bottle of water for himself and Ted. Placing Ted's on the desk, he continued his explanation.    

"While I assume Melanie makes a good salary as a lawyer, Lindsay wants to live the life of a country club wife. She has to work so that they can live the way they do, but it is not the high standard that she wants."

Brian frowned as he remembered several country club dinners they attended while in college. She had begged him to attend with her so her parents would stop pushing eligible men at her feet.  By that time, she knew she was a Lesbian but hadn't come out to her parents. Bringing Brian, a good looking man and star of the soccer team as her date had placated her family.

"Since she couldn't get me to marry her, and believe me she tried while we were in college, she asked me to father her child.  By having my child, she hoped that I would support him and give her additional money to do so." Brian drank the water in the water bottle, finishing it in several gulps. He'd been drinking more water and wondered if that was a result of less alcohol.  

"She obviously isn't using the money I give her only for Gus.  I looked at the numbers on the spreadsheet you gave me, and with the kind of money I'm providing, Gus shouldn't be coming to me to buy a lot of his stuff.  It's her way to have the nice things she wants, but she is about to get a rude awakening."

Ted looked at Brian, raising his eyebrows at the statement.  Brian had shared his concerns about Lindsay and his money a few times, but he didn't think Brian would do anything about it. "What are you thinking?"

"I'm going to stop giving her money for clothing for Gus.  I take him shopping almost every time I have him. He is always in need of something, and he tells me that his moms balk at buying whatever it is, telling him he just got a new one of XYZ a few months ago.  She can't really fight me on that if I buy all of his clothing, including his athletic stuff."

"True.  But don't you think there will be a backlash?  I've seen her come in here and tell you she needs money for this or that," Ted asked.

"I can always tell her to give me the information and I will send the check. She can't really argue with that one.  This way I'm sure the money will go to where she says it's needed and not to her bank account to pay for some new dress for an event.    I'm tired of being the bank of Brian."

Ted looked at his computer and saw it was 6:30.  "Bri, I hate to cut you off, but Blake and I have tickets for the Opera tonight.  Can we resume this in the morning?" Ted clicked on a few X's to close the windows he had open on his computer.  

"Shit.  I have a meeting at 7:30.  I better hustle myself." Going into his private bathroom, he changed into more casual clothing, leaving his suit to hang in the small closet located just off the entrance to the room.  He always kept an extra suit and a casual change of clothing at the office. These had come in handy many times.  

Brian went to his car and drove to the meeting.  He thought about his conversation with Ted. He was slightly surprised at his admittance that Lindsay used him as a bank to fund her lifestyle.  He was more surprised by his statement that he wasn't going to allow her to continue. Sobriety was certainly having some unexpected consequences in his life.  He was finally doing something to hopefully guarantee his access to Gus, and maybe put a brake on Lindsay using him to fund her desires.  

Getting out of his car, he was excited to share with Justin the events of the last 24 hours.  He hoped Justin would be proud of him for getting rid of the liquor and for taking control to legally have Gus in his life.  As he walked to the room where the meeting was held, he wondered when he began to want someone's approval for his actions.  

TBC

He got in his car and looked at his phone to see the list of meetings and their location.  The meeting for that day was about 20 minutes away and started at 7:30. He didn't have time to stop for food, but he knew Justin would have already honed in on the local cuisine and he could eat afterward as they shared their proverbial coffee.  He didn't allow himself to think about his plans for dinner. He arrived a little after 7:00 and spotted the familiar blond head in the small group of people that were congregating by the traditional coffee table.

"Hey," Brian said as he grabbed a bottle of water instead of coffee.  He could smell the coffee, its aroma was pleasant.

"Hi.  Have a good day?"  Justin smiled at Brian, happy to see him.  It had been about two weeks since Brian had started coming to meetings and Justin always looked forward to helping him in his journey.  Being a sponsor had a dual role; helping the newly sober individual and it also helped the sponsor as they worked through the higher steps of the program.

"Actually, I had a very good day.  Maybe there is something to this sobriety thing, after all,"  Brian said, tongue in cheek. He opened his bottle and took a long drink, not realizing how thirsty he was from all the talking he'd been doing over the last few hours.

"Everyone, let's sit down and get started," said a tall woman dressed in faded blue jeans and a t-shirt with the Pittsburgh Steelers logo on it.  She had dark brown hair, pulled into a casual pony-tail that made her appear young. Her voice had the familiar rasp that was common with people who smoked a lot.  While Brian's initial thought would have been that the speaker couldn't possibly have knowledge that would benefit him; he had learned that meetings always gave him something to think about.  He turned his head toward the speaker, putting his entire focus on her.  

All the participants sat in a circle and looked toward the speaker.  "Anyone new here tonight?" She asked, looking around the room at the participants.  When no one raised their hand, she said, "Welcome. I'm Teri and I'm going to be the leader for tonight.  Tonight's topic is Inadequacy."

Teri stopped talking while she looked around at the members.  She noticed a few nodding heads and was pleased that all eyes were on her.  "Why do we drink? If you ask anyone in this room why they drink, you would most likely get a different answer from every participant.  However, I'm going to dig a little deeper into the answer and state that everyone here drinks to avoid contact with others. We drink to avoid socialization with other people and to hide the knowledge from ourselves and others that we are unworthy of other people's friendships or love."

Several people in the group started murmuring to each other and she waited until the small conversations died down.  "I'm not here to psychoanalyze any of you and I don't hold a degree in any sort of therapy, but I stand by my statement.  I encourage each of you to ask yourself how many of you were told you were unworthy?" She didn't expect people to raise their hands as if they were in a classroom, but she did see quite a few nodding heads.  "Were you told by a school counselor that you wouldn't amount to anything? Or maybe it was a parent who constantly belittled you? Maybe it was a boss or some of your so-called friends or classmates?" Teri had been leading groups for over 3 years and understood that pausing frequently allowed the attendees to process the words.  When the leaders of the group talked for more than a minute or two, their words didn't have time to really penetrate the listener's minds. She glanced around the small circle and saw that all the heads were turned toward her. "How many of you feel that you are worthy of happiness? People in our lives have failed us and we don't think we deserve happiness.  We have turned to liquor to manage our pain and our supposed inadequacies. Once we took the step to stop drinking, we are faced with a life where we still question ourselves and our worth." Teri decided that this introduction was sufficient to instigate meaningful conversation. She remembered the first time she heard those ideas spoken at a meeting and was astounded and amazed.  She had always believed that she was the only one in the world that had that experience. She didn't think she deserved to be happy or that anyone really cared about her.  

"I started drinking when my father kicked me out.  He found out I was gay and said that no son of his could be gay.  I either quit being gay or leave," Justin said, remembering the night as if it happened yesterday.  The scathing words coming out of his father's mouth, as well as the slap on his face, were still fresh in his mind.  He put his hand to his face as if it happened just a moment ago, rather than over four years ago. It still stung, even though he told himself that his father never cared for him. 

"So you felt that you weren't worthy of his love and used liquor to escape," Teri said.  She wanted to connect his statement to her opening one.

Justin nodded his head, refusing to acknowledge the hurt his father's rejection had wrought on his life.

"Hi, I'm John.  I was the class clown.  Everybody laughed at my antics, but no one wanted to be my friend.  I started drinking in high school; then I became the cool guy," said the man sitting next to Justin.  He was wearing a button-down blue shirt and khakis. He ran his left hand through his dark brown hair, pushing it out of his eyes.  

"Drinking made you cool.  Your classmates didn't connect with you when you were the class cut up so you found a different way to make friends,"  another man commented. "I'm Calvin and I understand. I have problems writing, you know getting my thoughts down on paper.  My teachers always told me that I needed to try harder. My kid, Sam, has the same problem but the teachers in his school tell me he has a learning problem and they've been working with him.  He's been doing a lot better. If only someone had done that for me...." Calvin didn't continue his statement, hoping the group understood the unspoken words.  

‘Hi, I'm Brian.  My dad told me I should have been aborted since I wasn't wanted.  And then, since I was obviously born, he used me as his personal punching bag," Brian said.  This was the first time he'd felt compelled to add a comment to the meeting. He'd been told all his life that he wasn't wanted, but when he drank he tried to forget that no one cared. The words felt foreign to his ears as he had never admitted the power that they had when his father said them. His stomach clenched as he remembered the feeling he used to get as a young boy when his father said those words.  He heard the yelling of the angry man as he spouted his vitriol aimed at his unwanted offspring. It took all of his willpower to not place his hands over his ears as he did as a young boy and teen as he tried to block the words coming out of his father's mouth.

Justin was both pleased and surprised that Brian had spoken.  He wanted to comment on the disclosure but refrained. Turning his attention back to the meeting, he glanced around the circle seeing who would talk next.

Several other members of the group added their comments and shared their thoughts.  It was getting close to 8:45 and Teri spoke again, "It seems that everyone can relate to our topic tonight.  But, let's take it a little further. Hiding in a bottle may have helped us feel wanted or helped us hide from our pain, but now that we are not drinking, we have to begin to love ourselves and recognize our self-worth.  We would not have had the courage to walk through that door if we were still drinking." Teri pointed toward the door in the back of the room and watched as most people looked toward the door and nodded. "We wanted to stop hurting, stop feeling that we were unworthy.  Our decision to stop drinking was the first step to feeling worthy. We wanted a better life and decided that we deserved one. Everyone has something to share. Thanks for attending and as always coffee is in the back as well as the contribution jar." She smiled and made eye contact briefly with all the participants in the meeting.  

The people talked among themselves for several minutes and then moved toward the back table where the contribution jar and the coffee were located.  Brian did not move from his seat.

"Powerful talk tonight," Justin commented.  He wanted to help Brian process the content. He was pleased to see that Brian had participated as that was important to his journey.  When someone talked at a meeting, it meant that they were exploring their thoughts and open to working the steps. He knew that Brian had been listening to the content at the meetings as evidenced by their post-meeting conversations.  

"Do you really believe that everyone drinks because they don't feel they are loved?" Brian asked, his voice expressing his skepticism.  "Come on, there are a lot of people who are real jerks. Based on that explanation, there should be a lot of alcoholics out there." Brian had obviously been mulling over the content of the discussion.

"There are a lot of alcoholics out there.  But I think Teri's point is that alcoholics don't feel worthy of love.  They have heard that they are worthless, unwanted or in my case, not my father's ideal son, so his love wasn't available anymore."  Justin's heart hurt at the thought of his father, but he had learned that he had value despite the man's rejection.

"When he kicked me out, I didn't feel like I had anything of value to offer.  He told me I wouldn't amount to anything. I turned toward the bottle so I didn't have to feel the hurt and rejection."

"So you're saying that all alcoholics feel unworthy and turn to the bottle for condolence.  They can control the bottle, or at least they think they can. They can't control the world's thoughts about them.  But then, they realize that drinking isn't the solution; it doesn't make the pain go away," Brian said as he mulled over Justin's words and the statements of the participants in the meeting.

"Yes.  Loving oneself and giving yourself permission to feel good about yourself is one of the hardest things to do.  But if you want to be successful in this journey, you've got to find a way to accept yourself and not hide in the bottle,"  Justin said as he remembered his early sobriety journey. Justin looked toward the back table and saw that most of the participants had left the hall.   "Let's continue this at the diner. I'm starving and didn't have time to eat."

"Okay,"  Brian said and followed Justin to the coffee table where they each made a donation before leaving the room.  

"You drive.  I remember the place we went to last week had for shit parking," Brian said.  

Justin nodded and pointed to where he'd parked his car.  "Brian, by coming to your first meeting, you unconsciously decided you were worth something.  You've told me you want to be in Gus's life. That means that you are important to him and him to you."

"Okay.  You do have a good memory.  Gus is the reason I'm here. But how does that translate to keeping myself out of the bottle?  If you ask Mikey or Lindsey, or any of the people I hang out with, I'm an asshole." The words flowed easily out of his mouth, half-joking, half-serious.  He had heard the words so many times that their meaning had become a part of his persona.  

Justin stopped in front of his car and turned toward Brian, "Are you an asshole or is that just a persona you put on to protect yourself from being hurt?  You willingly stopped drinking to protect your son. That doesn't sound like an asshole to me," Justin said, challenging Brian's statement. He wasn't aware that Brian's friends called him an asshole to his face.  It was no wonder that the man felt unworthy or unloved. He hoped he could change Brian's feelings about himself to one of worthiness and hopefully love. It was important to love yourself; otherwise, you had limited love to share with others.  

Instead of responding, Brian got in the car, shut the door and put on his seatbelt.  Justin did the same and drove the few blocks to the small diner. They entered and just like last time, Brian felt a sense of deja vu.  If he closed his eyes, it felt just like Liberty Diner He was glad it wasn't Liberty Diner as he would never consider talking about himself there.  He was always amazed that he opened up so much with Justin, but Justin was easy to talk to and did not judge him. 

After they ordered, Justin picked up the conversation where they left off, hoping Brian was still willing to talk.  "You said earlier that all your friends think your an asshole. Why?"

"Because I only care about me.  I come late to get-togethers at Debbie's and I pick up a lot of tricks.  They just accept that this is who I am but they tell me that I'm an asshole," Brian said.

"But if you were such an asshole, why did Lindsay want you as the father of her child?  I can't imagine she would want an asshole for its father," Justin asked, but he was trying to get Brian to see his worth.  He realized he really didn't know if Brian was "the asshole" that he proclaimed to be, but he doubted that was really the case.  No one who was an asshole would go to the time and trouble that Brian had. If he was such an "asshole" like he proclaimed, he would not care about his child and having continued access to him.  

"She wanted to marry me. Remember, I told you about that.  Having me as the sperm donor got her as close as she could get,"  Brian said, explaining the arrangement again. Brian thought about their time together in college; his willingness to pose as her beard so she could save face with her family and the few times they actually slept together.  He'd regretted his role in her ruse, but when it eventually resulted in his participation in her desire for a child, he was happy with the results. He hadn't thought he would want to be involved with the child and had originally sabotaged Lindsay's requests to visit.  However, somewhere along the way, he stopped avoiding Gus and now admitted that Gus was the reason he was contemplating changing his life.  

"Still doesn't make sense,  Brian, if she really thought you were an asshole, she would not have wanted to marry you or be the father of her child.  Also, if she really thought you were an asshole, she would most likely not let you spend time with Gus," Justin said, trying to get Brian to see the error in his thinking.  

"I guess that is true,"  Brian said. "Lindsay is fickle, but she loves Gus and wouldn't want him hurt."

"I'm not sure about your friend, Michael.  It seems to me that he sees you as his validation for living.   I guess even in his eyes you are valuable. He ties his self worth to you.  That is pretty impressive and appears to me that he values you as a friend."

Brian was amazed at the accuracy of Justin's evaluations, especially since he had never met his friends and could only go by what Brian told him.  "Yeah, Michael thinks I am perfect. His motto is "I'm Brian's best friend". That about sums up his role in life. Deb thinks Michael can do no wrong and any time he screws up blames it on me.  Since I'm the responsible one, I get blamed for any problem he has. I'm surprised that he hasn't succumbed to life inside of a bottle. He thinks he is the world's best friend and can do no wrong."  Brian started thinking about how Justin's presence at Babylon might change his impression of him. Brian was in his element, his playground when he was there. He hoped that he wouldn't disappoint Justin.  He would hate for Justin to judge him unworthy. He wondered when he started worrying about what people, especially Justin, thought about him. The waitress brought their waters and silverware. They both drank the cool liquid quickly and the waitress refilled it a few minutes later. At that hour of the night, there were few patrons.  

"As for your other friends, I've never met them, but I wonder about them too.  You told me that Ted, your accountant has supported you in your journey with sobriety.  He encouraged you to attend a meeting and get a sponsor. Someone who doesn't see you as valuable and worthwhile wouldn't bother with their encouragement."

"Ted is a good friend.  I called him last night after I got home.  I started questioning why I still had liquor in my house, just like you asked me."  Brian took the water glass in his hand and twirled it, leaving a wet mark on the table.  "He came over and helped me pour it out. It was almost 10:00 when I called, pretty late for a work night, but he came.  No questions asked. He didn't ask if I needed or wanted him to come, he just said he was coming." Brian replayed the call in his mind and remembered the relief he felt when Ted said he was coming over.  "He even offered to stay on the phone with me while he drove over.... In case I was tempted before he got there." Brian had intended to tell Justin about last night. He was really proud of himself for taking that step.  But he hadn't expected to tell him like that. He had it all planned out in his head, what he would say and how he would broach the subject. But as the saying goes, ‘the best-laid plans of mice and men'.  

Justin smiled a megawatt smile and patted Brian on the back.  "I'm proud of you. Ted obviously doesn't think you are an asshole and considers you a friend.  If he didn't, he would not have come out that late. Friendship, by definition, requires back and forth reciprocity."  

"I'm his boss," Brian said in defense, trying to downplay his actions. He had been really proud of himself and his willingness to throw away the liquor. When he started to talk about the event, he wanted to backpedal, trying to maintain his vision of himself as unloveable, unworthy. 

"Yes, but as an employee, he wouldn't need to volunteer to come to pour out your liquor. Brian, he thinks you are worth his time.  Lindsay thinks you are good father material. Deb thinks you belong in her ‘family'. They all care about you."

Brian listened and heard Justin's words. He did have people that thought he was worthy.  

"But, how do I believe that I'm worthy?"  Brian asked, genuinely wanting a magic formula, a road map, something to guide him in his journey.

Justin wanted to shout from the rooftops.  He had gotten past Brian's walls. Brian had finally asked the ultimate question.  How can he believe he is worthy? This was the breakthrough that he'd hoped would come.  Before Brian could rebuild his life, he had to believe that he had something to offer. 

The waitress brought their food and both men started to eat.  This gave Justin some much needed time to formulate his answer.  

TBC

‘But, how do I believe that I'm worthy?' Justin ate a few bites of his roast beef sandwich as he mulled over Brian's question.   The sourdough bread was fresh and the slight tang of the horseradish sauce gave the meat a spicy flavor.  His nostrils flared as he bit into a piece where the prep person had spread the sauce especially thick. Glancing around the quiet diner, he saw two occupied tables.  One table toward the front had a couple of teen girls giggling and looking at their phones. The other table had a lone occupant, an older gentleman with graying hair and wearing a business suit who was reading a small, local newspaper.  Brian wasn't looking at Justin. Instead, he was attacking his chicken salad with a vengeance, stabbing the lettuce and alternately mixing the concoction to locate pieces of chicken or cheese. His eyes didn't look at their surroundings or move from the bowl in front of him.  

In the few weeks that Justin had been meeting him at AA, Brian had appeared open to the messages of the meetings and they had talked about the concepts after the meetings.  Even tonight, they started their evening by discussing the meeting's topic, but Brian's question seemed to result in his shutting down as if he were embarrassed by his question.

"Brian...."  Justin said softly, wanting Brian to look at him before he started talking.  

Brian glanced up at Justin for a few moments, acknowledging Justin's unspoken request to talk, but then returned to his salad as if he were a starving man and hadn't eaten in days, rather than a few hours.

"I'd like to talk about your question,"  Justin said, not giving Brian a chance to say no.  Justin had learned that if he asked someone ‘do you want to talk about a specific statement or action'; the answer would most likely be, ‘no'.  He knew that Brian did want to talk, or he would not have asked. His avoidance of looking at Justin confirmed his reluctance to explore the topic.

Brian ate a few additional bites of his salad, finding the last of the chicken in the pile of lettuce in the bowl.  He wouldn't have been able to tell anyone if it was good or not, as it was an easy way to distract him and avoid talking.  He regretted his question,he knew that he was unworthy and didn't deserve good things. It appeared that Justin wasn't going to let it go unanswered.  Bracing himself for more rejection, he put down his fork and nodded. Voicing his own opinion of his worthiness seemed to be too much to ask, and he steeled himself for Justin's rejection.

"I drank to escape my father's rejection.  He threw me out, told me I was an abomination, and that I couldn't be his son. I felt worthless and unlovable."   Brian listened to Justin. He nodded his head but wondered what this had to do with him. "When I was drinking, his rejection didn't hurt.  I hid in the bottle of rum. Alcohol didn't care if I was gay, if I was an artist, or if I was a banker. It didn't care that I acted horribly toward a patron, slept with every guy who looked at me or trashed my studio.  In fact, my drinking just confirmed what a terrible person I was." Brian mulled the words in his mind. He thought about his own drinking. 

"So I drink because my parents didn't want me,"  Brian said. He was not asking a question but confirming Justin's answer.  "So every kid that has parents who reject them should be an alcoholic? That would mean there were a shit ton of alcoholics out there."

"There are a lot of alcoholics and people who abuse drugs, too.  But I'm not saying that every kid with shitty parents is going to end up an alcoholic or drug user. But everyone who drinks thinks they are unworthy.  That might start when they are young or it could come later in life, but it's something we all have in common," Justin felt the knot in his stomach as he remembered the rejection.  Even though it had been 3 years since his father had kicked him out, that night was forever emblazoned in his memory. The yelling, screaming, and tears were still vivid in his mind.  He still remembered wiping his face with his shirt sleeve, his father calling his a sissy, and telling him grown men don't cry. He absently rubbed his elbow where he landed when his father pushed him out the door, throwing him and his clothes on the front lawn as if he was something rotten that belonged in the trash.  He could still hear the slamming door, even three years later.  

"No one really liked me when I was drinking, including me, but I didn't care.  I was unlovable; my father told me so. It didn't matter that I was an artist and recognized as an up and coming talent to watch.  All that mattered was that my father thought I was unworthy because I was gay," Justin said as the familiar pang of rejection rumbled through his chest.  He hoped his words were resonating in Brian.  

"At the meeting everyone who talked shared their experiences with rejection and feelings of worthlessness.  As Teri said, we all are using alcohol to escape the pain of rejection," Justin said, hoping that Brian was actually listening to their conversation. Justin had barely touched his food and heard the rumble of his stomach protesting.  He grinned at Brian as the loud growl emanated from his midsection. After eating a few bites of his burger and drinking some water, he said, "Brian, walking in the door to attend your first AA meeting was your subconscious telling you that you were worthy.  If you didn't want to be a good father to Gus and keep him safe, you would still be drinking today."

Brian shook his head in disagreement. "To me, walking into the first meeting just showed everyone how pathetic my life had become," Brian said.

"Sure, you wrapped your car around a tree, but you wanted a better life.  You wanted to be sober so you wouldn't worry that you might hurt Gus. That action was taking care of you.  You decided that you were worth being sober, being safe." Justin smiled at Brian. He heard the bell on the door jingle as the older gentleman left the diner.  Looking around, he saw that the teenage girls had also vacated the building. It was just the two of them in the dining area. The hum of the fluorescent light buzzed in the background.  The waitress was at the other end of the dining room, sitting at a table, surrounded by half-filled and empty salt and pepper shakers. Appearing intent on her job of filling all the containers, it gave them a semblance of privacy.  

"Attending AA makes me worthy. That's a crock of shit," Brian said.  He was so used to denigrating his worth, he had difficulty believing Justin.  He played with the water glass, twirling it in his hand. The sweat from the condensation on the glass hiding the clamminess from his hand.  

"Why does Lindsay bring Gus to spend the night with you?" Justin asked, hoping to show Brian that he was worthy.

"What has Gus got to do with this conversation?"  Brian bristled at the mention of Gus. He wanted his son out of the conversation, especially when it had to do with his drinking.

"Work with me, Brian.  You've told me your history with Lindsay.  She has the desire for the three of you making a model family. She can't have that since you don't want to be married, nor do you want a female partner."  Justin paused, watching Brian nod in agreement.

"Sure, I'll go with that statement.  Once she had Gus, she was always after me to get to know my son.  ‘He needs to know his father, Brian. You need to spend time with him. I need money for x,y, or z.  You want Gus to have the best. Ad nauseam."

"Lindsay wants you to be in Gus' life.  Mind you, she definitely sounds like she has ulterior motives, wanting the white picket fence and all, but ultimately she has pushed for you to have a relationship with your son.  She can't think you are a terrible person if she wants you to be involved with Gus," Justin said.

The bell on the front door rang and a young couple came in.  The sign at the front door had been changed to tell the patrons to seat themselves.  Looking around the diner, they chose the far end of the dining area, seating themselves at the opposite end from Brian and Justin.  Justin noticed them walking in and was thankful they chose to be seated on the other end of the dining room. He didn't want Brian to shut down again, giving the excuse of being overheard.  

"But I know she would forbid me to see Gus if she knew that I wrapped my car around a tree.  She would tell me that I couldn't be trusted to not repeat the action if Gus were with me. So your example is flawed,"  Brian said, lowering his eyes away from Justin's face.  

"Brian, we are not having the same conversation.  Please look at me," Justin said, deciding that he needed to use a different tactic.

Reluctantly, Brian did as Justin asked.  

"I don't know your friends, and only know them from what you have shared with me.  They may be horrible people or they may be the best friends in the world. But I do know myself.  I've lived with me for 28 years, and am an expert on my behavior." Justin smiled.

Brian laughed too.  

"I know that you are worthy.  If I didn't think you were worth my time, I wouldn't be here with you.  I've been in your shoes, felt the despair and worthlessness, but I can tell you the first step to loving yourself is to walk through that meeting room door.  You want a better life, a life where you aren't afraid of hurting people you care about. I can't speak for anyone but me and I say you are definitely worthy."

Brian could not argue with that statement.  Justin didn't have history with him as the ‘family' did.  He couldn't point to the time that Brian did this or came late to an event.  He couldn't argue that he was unreliable either. In the two plus weeks that Justin had been his sponsor he had been on time to every meeting and never missed any of them.  

"But you've only known me for a little over two weeks.  They've all known me for years and I can tell you I'm not the person you think I am.  I have sex with any man that even seems remotely interested, In fact, I typically have sex 4-5 times a day.  According to my friends, that is my main reason to live: get my dick sucked and get off as many times as I can.  They say I only think with my cock," Brian half boasted, trying to throw Justin off his statement and admit that Brian Kinney was the stud that everyone thought he was.  He wanted Justin to admit that his only worth was what he could do for a trick in bed.  

"Brian, I'm not going to get into a pissing contest with you.  I can only judge you by our conversations and your attendance at AA.  If you weren't serious, I doubt you would have altered your lifestyle so drastically.  You haven't been to the clubs in several weeks, you are obviously abstaining several hours a day so you can attend a meeting, and it appears that you are moving forward with the program as evidenced by your disposal of the liquor in your home.  If you weren't serious about this, you would have stopped attending long ago." The waitress came by to refill their water glasses and pour more coffee. Justin covered his cup with his hand, but Brian motioned for her to refill his coffee. 

Brian made a big production of opening one creamer and taking two packets of sugar from the sugar packet caddy.  He slapped the packets three times and then meticulously opened them, pouring their contents into his cup. Picking up his spoon, he stirred the liquid several seconds, and then placed his spoon on the saucer that held the cup.  He drank several sips of his coffee and then placed the cup on top of the saucer.  

Justin recognized that Brian was done with this particular conversation.  He didn't have to verbalize his thoughts, his failure to offer a rebuttal to Justin's latest observation was sufficient for Justin.  

"I'm curious.  What made you decide to throw away your liquor.  When we talked yesterday, the thought hadn't occurred to you,"  Justin asked, genuinely curious. He hoped that changing the subject to a less explosive topic would make Brian more comfortable.  The last thing he wanted to do was to get him angry, as he was still very vulnerable to relapse. Justin had been witness to too many tales of remorse from attendees at AA meetings.   

He could see the small intimate circle of anonymous attendees as they gathered for support to battle their demons and master their addictions.  The leader of the group would ask if anyone had anything to share, or if there were any newcomers. Someone would start talking, but their eyes wouldn't focus on one person for more than a few seconds.  After about 20 seconds, their eyes would dart around the group, hoping to see the slight nod of a head acknowledging the attendee's acceptance of their backslide. The hope that they were not the first one to have slipped, and the desire to still be accepted even if they had failed in their journey.  

The person would start to talk, ‘I'd been doing really well, working the program, attending meetings, and then my "ex" showed up and demanded money.  I got so mad and I just thought I'd have one drink to calm my nerves. Drinking had always helped in the past. Of course, one drink led to two and then two led to... well, needless to say that most of the bottle of Vodka was gone by night's end.'  

That particular monologue had numerous versions, but the similarity in all of them was obvious.  The person had been doing well, but had not learned to handle their emotions and turned to their familiar tried and true emotional crutch.   Brian was still in a vulnerable state. While he had been working the program for several weeks, he hadn't reached the next big benchmark of one month sobriety. Justin wanted him to leave their encounter on a positive note, not feeling vulnerable and putting himself in a position to backslide. 

Brian initially shrugged, downplaying the event.  

"What happened between our AA meeting and this morning?"  Justin hoped narrowing down the time frame and giving him a specific question might result in a response.  Justin finished his water and wished he hadn't waved the waitress away when she offered more coffee. Looking around the dining area, he spotted her and raised his glass, indicating he wanted a refill.  

"Sometimes I wish that I had chosen to attend an AA meeting closer to home," Brian said tongue in cheek.  "That way I wouldn't have 20-30 minutes to mull over our conversations and think about the stuff they talked about in meeting."  Brian drank some coffee and looked Justin directly in the eye, trying to judge his reaction. He wanted to ensure that Justin recognized his brand of humor. 

Justin smiled and Brian was pleased that this man didn't need an explanation of his comment. Justin understood his sarcasm.  

"Anyway, I thought about our discussion all the way home.  I was very excited about the possibility of returning to Babylon.  Attending AA meetings is a necessary evil. I get that I'm not going to stop drinking and stay sober by snapping my fingers.  While I'm not especially fond of all this introspection crap, I know that it's necessary." Brian was always slightly surprised when he talked to Justin.  He usually just listened to ‘the gang' when they got together. He was a part of the conversation, but apart from the interaction. He wanted Justin to know that he paid attention to their conversations, and he realized that they were key to his journey.

Justin nodded his head in understanding, silently encouraging Brian to continue.  

"Things have to change in my life if I'm going to be successful.  Up to this point, I'd stopped going to Babylon and Woody's, and I attended meetings every day.  Those are huge changes in my daily routine, but I realized I needed to start making some additional ones.  I don't drink at work unless I'm taking a client to lunch or dinner, and then it is one drink."

The waitress came by their table again.  "Can I get you any dessert?"  

Justin picked up the menu from the edge of the table and previewed the options.  "I'd like the Lemon Meringue pie," he said as he placed the menu back in the caddy.

"No thanks.  I would like more coffee, and I've used the last of the creamer," Brian said as he pointed to the empty condiment caddy.

"I'll be right back with your dessert.  We are brewing a fresh pot, and as soon as it is finished, I'll refill your cup.  I'll get you some creamers now." The waitress left.

"I hadn't thought about the liquor in my cabinet until yesterday. After closing the door and setting the alarm, I walked straight to the liquor cabinet and investigated its contents.  It was automatic. I wasn't reacting to anything that happened; I just thought I'd like a drink. Your comments hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't need liquor in my house. Having it there would just be an easy way to drink, and I need to make it harder."

"So getting rid of the liquor will cut down future temptations," Justin said.

"Yes.  Sure, I could just get in my car and go to the store, buying whatever I felt like drinking that night. Having easy access to a bottle in my home ups the chance that I will drink."

"I'm glad that you are making changes and starting to think about how alcohol fits in your life."

The waitress brought Justin's pie, refilled Brian's coffee, as well as brought creamer cups to refill the caddy.  Justin took several bites of his pie and licked his lips in satisfaction.

"Did you trade pie for liquor?  You look like you just took a hit of Ecstasy and are blissed out."

Justin shook his head.  "The pie is just really good.  I told you they make excellent desserts. I have a sweet tooth."

"I can't imagine eating Lemon Meringue.  My teeth are dissolving just looking at it. There's got to be 35 grams of sugar in a piece that size."

"Says the man who puts three packets of sugar into every cup of coffee," Justin said, calling Brian on his mock indignation.

"Point taken. One addiction at a time."

Smiling at Brian, Justin took another bite of pie and made an exaggerated sound of bliss.  He drank some water.  

"I've got to head out.  Got an early morning meeting with my agent.  She wants to see my new canvases for my next show, and my studio is across town.  Unlike me, she is an early riser, and wants to meet at 9:00."

Brian looked for the waitress and located her at the back corner of the diner.  Making eye contact, he motioned for her to bring their check. He finished his coffee, tasting the sweetness and grinned as he acknowledged Justin's comment about the sugar content of his drink.

"Here's your check gentleman. Come again."

Brian picked up the check and placed a $20.00 on the table and handed the check to Justin.  Justin placed a $20.00 as well on the table and both men walked to the door.  

"Tomorrow?" Justin asked.

"Sure. I always enjoy self examination of my innermost thoughts," Brian said.

Justin laughed.  "Of course you do.  No one's ever dug around the mind of Brian. Personally, I enjoy our little talks."  They walked to Justin's car and both men got in.

Justin started the car, and drove toward where Brian left his car.  "All kidding aside, Brian. Talk to your friend Ted. He's been in recovery for a while.  I bet he would have some great insights into worthiness. I think you'd be surprised."

Brian nodded his head and got out of the car. "Later," he said as he cursed Justin under his breath.  Luckily, he had a whole 30 minutes of drive time ahead of him. Maybe that would be sufficient time to mull over Justin's comments.  Otherwise, it might be another long night of thinking.

TBC

Brian drove home thinking of Justin's comments.  He debated with himself whether he should ask Ted about worthiness.  Deciding that the conversation wasn't an urgent one, he parked his car in the lot and went upstairs to his loft.  After resetting the alarm, he glanced automatically to the liquor cabinet and walked over to it, looking inside. It was empty.  Ted and he had poured out the liquor the night before and it was not like he lived in a magical place where it would be replenished by a liquor genie. Last night's impromptu disposal seemed so far away, almost like it happened to someone else.  Life moved fast at times and this was one of those times. He hadn't had a drink in almost three weeks, and the craving wasn't really there. He wondered if he was like Pavlov's dog; walking into Woody's or Babylon equaled automatically going for a drink.  It was obvious that he had some ingrained reactions as evidenced by his automatic move to the liquor cabinet upon walking into his home. Walking away from the empty liquor cabinet, he picked up the mail that he had laid on top of it and brought it to the coffee table by the couch.

Pavlov's dog.  Where the hell did that come from?  I'm not some high school kid studying psychology and I'm sure not a shrink.  Therapy is for wuss' and I'm definitely not a wuss. But, is AA some type of therapy, albeit without the fucking shrink?  

Brian shut down his thoughts and sat on the couch. Rubbing his thumb and forefinger across the bridge of his nose, he leaned forward and placed his forearms on his thighs.  He took several deep breaths and then stayed in that position for several minutes. Sitting up, he removed his fingers from the bridge of his nose and allowed his mind to wander again.

Shit!.  AA is a therapy group and .... What the fuck.  I always thought therapy was mumbo-jumbo and didn't have any merit, but AA is really helping me.  For the first time in forever, I don't feel like shit when I wake up in the morning. I'm not hungover, and I'm more productive in the mornings.  Used to be I would take several hours and at least 4 cups of coffee before I felt the fuzz dissipate from my brain. Between Justin and the various leaders of the group, I'm beginning to evaluate my life. Justin's got me looking at my relationships.  The "R" word that I didn't believe in is evidently real and alive even in my closed world. I never doubted that Gus was important to me, but now I'm beginning to evaluate other people and their importance in my life. Well, if there is one thing I have learned from these last few weeks, it is that nothing happens overnight.  If we could all snap our fingers or blink and our troubles would be gone, there would be no need for AA. Since that isn't happening, I think I'm done contemplating my life.  

Brian checked the door to ensure that it was locked and the alarm was set.  He glanced somewhat with regret mixed with a little longing at the empty liquor cabinet and walked toward the bedroom.  Placing a clean set of casual clothing in a small neatly folded pile on the dresser, he made a mental note to take them with him tomorrow.  He threw his barely worn clothing in the hamper and went to the bathroom to complete his bedtime routine. While setting his alarm for 7:00, he glanced at the clock and realized it was almost 11:00.  He yawned and realized that while it was much earlier than he used to go to bed, he was actually tired. Maybe thinking made you tired, but he was done thinking for today. Closing his eyes, he went to sleep.

Brian was at work before 8:00. Having woken up before his alarm and feeling rested, he decided to start his day early.  His appointment with the lawyer was this afternoon and he wanted Ted to gather all the documents pertaining to the financial support that he'd provided to Gus through the years.  Somewhere in the last 24 hours, he'd come to the conclusion that while he did not want a specific custody agreement, he did want a guarantee for access to Gus. If that meant a legally binding document, then that is what he would insist on.  He was done with Lindsay's mercurial ideas regarding his access to Gus. He didn't want her to have the power to deny him access to Gus when he stopped the bank of Brian. 

When he arrived, Ted was walking into his office, admiring the new picture of him and Blake that they had taken a few weeks ago, and Brian followed him inside.  Ted placed his cup of coffee on the coaster and sat down.  

"Bri, you're here early today. Everything okay?"

"Actually, I'm sleeping great.  Evidently going to bed when you're not drunk or high has the distinct advantage of higher quality sleep, and waking up without the feeling that you've been run over by a truck," Brian responded.  "Who would've thunk?" He felt comfortable with Ted and was at a point in his sobriety journey that he could joke about some of the pitfalls and negative aspects of his drinking.  

"Yes.  I don't really remember much of the time I was using, so I imagine it was not a pretty sight.  I do vaguely remember the first few days in rehab where I thought that I would do anything to not feel the pain of withdrawal.  Luckily, you didn't use drugs to the extent I did. I mean, well you did imbibe in the alphabet soup at Babylon but..."

"I get it, Ted.  No need to go into detail.  Suffice it to say that I'm not using now and hope to stay that way.  Attending AA has been enlightening, to say the least. I'm not here to discuss sobriety, although I have some questions in that regard for a later time.  I'm meeting with the lawyer today, and I want you to gather all the information on Gus's support. I know you showed me the spreadsheets, but I'd like a few months of canceled checks to bring with me too."

"Sure thing, Bri. What time is your appointment?"

"3:30.  I've got to leave about 2:45."

"I'll have it to you by noon so you can look it over before the appointment."

Brian left to find coffee. Evidently, even when he woke early and wasn't hungover, he still wanted his morning jolt of caffeine.

Brian had a busy morning, as always, and was surprised when Ted knocked on his door around noon.

"More papers for me to sign?  I swear, I really should just invest in a stamp with my name on it," Brian said as he watched Ted walk in with a stack of papers.

"No signature needed.  These are the copies of the canceled checks you asked about this morning."  Ted laid the stack on Brian's desk. " I brought a manilla envelope for you to put them in after you've reviewed them.  Wouldn't want anyone getting those account numbers."

"Thanks.  I'll look at them once I've finished this email.  I thought email was supposed to make our lives easier and less cumbersome.  I think it has done the opposite. Seems that everyone thinks they need to update me every time someone makes even a tiny adjustment to a document.  I think I spend 25% of my day reading emails." Brian said, lamenting the necessary evil.

"Let me know if you have any questions.  I've got a conference call at 2:00, but I should be available until that time," Ted said as he turned to leave.  

Brian finished writing the email in question, picking up the stack of papers Ted had placed on his desk.  

There were checks made out to Franklin Elementary school for $125.00 every week from September through May.  These were written for several years and Brian assumed they were for daycare. There were checks almost every month made out to Lindsay with various explanations in the memo line.  Some listed clothing and sporting equipment while others stated miscellaneous. He doubted that Ted would use that explanation; therefore he deduced that Lindsay gave him some plausible reason that she needed the money.  As he reviewed the columns, he was surprised at the large amount of money he was giving her for Gus, especially when she consistently lamented that raising him was very expensive. He thought about Ted's earlier comment that his sister only received $400 from her "ex" and she had two children.  Surely, with the amount of support he was providing, the courts would see that he was supporting Gus and hopefully that would mean he had rights to be a part of his life.  

Realistically, he knew that as long as he was attending AA every night, his interactions with Gus were still limited during the week, but he wondered if he would always need to attend AA.  Justin had stated that he'd been sober for a year and obviously he still attended. Brian wondered how long a person continued their involvement with AA. He understood the necessity of attendance at this juncture in his recovery, but he hadn't thought about the long term need to be involved.  He put that on the list of things to talk to Justin about at some point in the future. He knew he wasn't ready to contemplate stopping his attendance.

But if his attendance could be cut down to several times a week instead of every day, he would be free to spend more time with Gus.  He wondered if that was something he wanted. He realized that he honestly did not know the answer, as he'd never thought about being more involved in the boy's life.  When Gus was young, Lindsay had always pushed for him to be an active father, but he really didn't have an interest in doing so. He wasn't sure when that had changed, but somewhere along the line, it became important to see Gus on a regular basis and for him to know Brian.  Brian knew that Gus looked forward to their time together and never left without asking when he would see him again. He hadn't expected to enjoy being a father. Since Gus was the driving force in his journey for sobriety, he admitted that it was important to him. Brian never did things he didn't want to do.  

He had thought enough about the "what ifs" involving Gus and their time together, right now he was only interested in protecting his continued access to his son.  Gathering all the papers, he placed them back in the manilla envelope, and placed the envelope in his briefcase. The irony of the gesture did not elude him. He had purchased the briefcase in order to transport work back and forth from his office to his home.  Now that he wasn't coming home at 1:00 every morning, he was able to get the majority of his work done at his office. Now he was using the briefcase to transport documents that would once again potentially fill his time in the evening, albeit with a different type of activity, hanging out with his son.  

"Cynthia, I'll be gone the rest of the afternoon.  Unless Kinnetik is burning down, I'll see you in the morning," he said as he walked out of the building.  

As he drove to the lawyers office, he spent the time thinking about what he wanted regarding his access to Gus.  Realistically, he knew he did not want full custody of Gus, but having him more than a few weekends a month would be nice.  Since Gus was ten, he usually went to bed around 9:00. Brian didn't get home from AA until 10:00 or later because he and Justin went for coffee afterward.  On the weekends, he had been attending a meeting earlier so he could make it to Sunday dinner at Debbie's. He knew there were meetings during the day and wondered if he could find one that met his schedule.  Brian wondered if an early morning or lunch time meeting would work. Maybe he could attend one in the late afternoon and be home in time for Gus and he to eat dinner. Another option would be to hang out with Gus after he ate dinner and then have him home in time for bed.  As Brian thought about all the options, he realized he was getting ahead of himself and needed to guarantee his access to Gus before he started planning when he would attend AA meetings.  

He'd eventually have to tell Lindsay, but he wanted assurance that she couldn't use his previous behavior against him.  He understood her twisted logic all too well. Even though she knew he drank, she would suddenly decide that the accident that resulted in his wrecking his car made him unsafe for Gus to be around.  Even though that logic would be just the opposite of the truth. Now that he was not even drinking a beer at the soccer fields or any other time, he was more aware of the potential for danger. She seemed to "know and not know" about his drinking and the potential hazards.  Now, that he was sober, she would try and get high and mighty and worry about Gus' safety.

Arriving at the building where Beroes Law Center was located, he parked his car, grabbed his briefcase and walked into the lobby.  The lobby was illuminated by glass windows on all sides. There were large planters in the corners with an array of colorful flowers.  In the middle of the lobby was a large Chihuly sculpture. He'd been to an exhibit of the man's work with Lindsay, and admired his skill and talent.  His glass works had a distinct look to them and he was able to pick them out easily. 

Maybe this was a sign that this was the right place for him to be.  He walked over to the marquee that listed the occupants of the building and searched until he located Beroes.  Taking the elevator to the 7th floor, he walked out to see that the firm had the entire floor. The administrative assistant at the front desk wore a Vera Wang dress in deep blue and her hair was neatly cut and styled.  While Brian was not attracted to women, he did notice them. Cynthia was always dressed professionally, but added a statement necklace or interesting earrings to make her stand out. She looked up as Brian exited the elevator and smiled.  

"Welcome to Beroes.   How may I help you?"

"I'm Brian Kinney and I have an appointment at 3:30."

She clicked on her computer, opening the calendar and finding the appointment listing.  

"Yes.  Have a seat and I'll let Kara know you are here."  She motioned to the silver chairs that were located next to the wall.  

Brian sat in the chair, looking at the magazines laying on the table in front of the chairs.  They were neatly laid out so that the customer could see the titles. He didn't pick up any of them, but chose to scrutinize the lobby.  A business' lobby portrayed a lot of information about the company. A lobby that was sparse with few amenities spoke of a business that was cutting corners and may not have the resources to provide quality service.  Just as a man's clothing portrayed to the world his status; a lobby of a business portrayed their success. Kinnetik had bold furnishing and expensive fixtures. Cynthia, his second in command was always dressed impeccably as was the receptionist that greeted the customers.  Image was of utmost importance when your business was marketing other companies image and products.  

There were several bold abstract paintings on the wall, adding color to the lobby.  Making a mental note to identify the artist before he left, he waited to be called back to the office.  He was not an art aficionado, but recognized when an artist's work spoke to him. The pieces were a combination of boldness but reassuring at the same time.  He thought that he might like to have a piece of artwork for Kinnetik like the ones on the wall.

He met with people all day, but he was always the one in charge.  He had the ideas, the power to convince his clients that they needed what he offered.  Here, he was the client and not in charge. He wasn't sure how this would play out; however, he knew this was the right move, the one he needed to make at this time.  

Before he could mull over the potential outcomes of the meeting any longer, a tall, brunette with shoulder length hair appeared in the lobby and walked over to him.  Her Armani black wool pants were perfectly tailored and paired with a deep blue blouse and black classic blazer. She reached out her hand to shake Brian's hand. He stood up.

"Mr. Kinney, I'm Kera.  Welcome to Beroes."

Brian shook her hand, noticing the firm handshake.  

Kera said, "We will meet in my office.  Please follow me."

Kera walked down the hallway and stopped at the last office on the left. She motioned for Brian to sit in one of the client chairs, a large burgundy chair with padding on the arms and back.  It was surprisingly comfortable.   

"Can I get you a coffee or water?"

"Coffee would be fine," Brian said. 

"Do you want cream or sugar in it?"

"Sugar, 3 packets and 1 cream," he said as he thought of Justin's comments regarding his sugar addiction.  He smiled ruefully when he thought of their daily coffee consumption.

Kera walked to the coffee station and prepared Brian's coffee, handing him a large ceramic mug with the Beroes logo emblazoned on it.  It was warm and smelled delicious. He took a sip and smiled at the perfect combination of sugar, cream and coffee.  

Kera picked up a manilla file folder that had a typed label with Kinney on it.  She opened the file and took out the small stack of loose leaf paper, placing them on the desk.  She picked up her own mug of coffee and took a sip, placing it on the coaster to her right.

"You contacted our firm to discuss a visitation concern.  Tell me about the situation."

"I want to guarantee my access to my son."

"Can you tell me more about your concerns?"

"It's complicated."

"It always is.  If it was easy, you wouldn't be sitting in my office."

Brian was not one to beat around the bush and was surprised at his curt responses.  This was not a court of law and he wasn't watching some tv show. 

"I stopped drinking a few weeks ago and when the mother of my son finds out, I'm concerned that she will make it more difficult to see him." 

"Congratulations,"  She said. "However, I'm confused.  Usually, the scenario is just the opposite.  The parent who isn't drinking limits access to the parent that is drinking," Kera said.  She had many clients who had substance abuse concerns, but usually the parent who wasn't using was pushing for limited access of the parent who was using.  "If I understand you, your concerned that she will limit your access now that you aren't drinking." 

"Lindsay, that is Gus' mom doesn't know that I've stopped drinking.  She would try and twist my sobriety into a reason that I shouldn't have access to Gus.  I know that normal people would be thrilled that their child would be in a safer place with a parent who didn't drink.  I could see Lindsay spouting statements like, ‘I don't know if you should have Gus; you might be tempted to drink and I want him safe.  I could also see her wife saying that I was reckless as evidenced by my totalling my car and therefore I shouldn't have access to Gus."

Kera wrote the information on the loose paper and made some notes to the side.  

"Is Lindsay your ex- wife?"

"No," Brian said as he laughed.  He knew Lindsay had visions of them as a cute little family, complete with the 2.2 children and the white picket fence, but he was gay.  "She's a lesbian. I agreed to be a sperm donor so her and her partner could have a child. Originally, I was providing the DNA, but not raising him.  However, when he was born, Lindsay pushed me to be an active parental figure in his life." He took a drink of his coffee. Kera appeared to be taking notes of the conversation.  

"My concern is that I can't count on her to let me spend time with Gus.  She is mercurial, alternately deciding I'm a good influence and pushing my involvement in his life, to deciding that my behavior is dangerous and I shouldn't be around him."  Brian looked around the room noticing that the paintings on the wall were similar to the work in the lobby. Making a mental note to find out about the artist, he brought his attention back to the conversation. 

"Okay.  Let me make sure I understand your concerns.  You want continued access to your son and you are concerned that your friend, his mother, will limit the access as a result of your new sobriety."

"Yes."

"Did you sign any parental rights papers before the insemination?"

"No.  They had me shoot my junk in a cup and then Mel used a turkey baster."  Brian shuddered when he thought of his jizz being shot up Lindsay. Female anatomy was just gross and he would leave it to the Lesbians. 

"Do you know if there was ever a DNA test to verify that the child is yours?"

"He is the spitting image of me.  No one could deny he was mine," Brian said, the pride evidenced in his voice.  He smiled when he thought of the handsome young man, and fast forwarded several years to see him as a young man taking over Kinnetik.  The two of them would be a force to be reckoned with.

"Do you provide any monetary support to his mother for his care?"

Brian picked up his briefcase and placed it on his lap.  He clicked the locks and took out the manilla envelope, handing it to Kera.  "Those are copies of cancelled checks that I have written in the past year for Gus' care.  I provide a lot of financial support for him. That is another reason I'm concerned. Now that I'm sober, I've been reviewing my life and see that his mother appears to be using me as the ‘bank of Brian'.  I provide money for after school care, sporting equipment, clothing and other items, yet my son is frequently asking for the two of us to go shopping as his mothers tell him they don't have the money to buy him the item."  

Brian grimaced as he thought of Lindsay's machinations.   ‘Oh Brian, can you write a check for Gus' new cleats, he's outgrown his old ones.  Brian, can you write a check for Gus' after school program, we're running a little short this month.  Brian, can you write a check.....'

"I've decided to stop giving Lindsay money for Gus and buying the items directly.  That will piss her off too. She would probably limit my access to Gus unless I forked over some cash.  I'm done supporting her and her wife. They both have good jobs and shouldn't rely on me to pay their bills."

Kera continued to write notes for a few minutes and then looked at Brian, smiling.  "We'll have to do a DNA test to verify that the child is yours, but it appears that you have a good legal foundation for maintaining your access to your son."

Brian leaned forward and opened his briefcase again, taking out a legal pad and pen to take notes.

Kera said,

"1.  There was no legal agreement before you donated.  Any time a known sperm donor donates, there should be a legal contract specifying his involvement or lack thereof with the child.  

2.  The insemination did not take place in a clinic.  Having a medical professional involved holds more credence.

3.  In Pennsylvania, genetics determines legal parentage, even if your name is not on the birth certificate.

4.  Since there was no contract prior to insemination relinquishing your parental rights, a court may enforce full parental obligations on you."  Kera pointed out each statement by touching her index finger to her fingers on the opposite hand as she ticked off each point.

Brian smiled and nodded his head as Kera ticked off each key point.  He wrote down the information and starred each point.  

"Basically, Mr. Kinney, it appears that your friends do not have any rights to prevent you from seeing your son.  There was no legal contract written prior to insemination stating who would be the parents raising the child. In addition, your checks show a history of financial support for the child.  According to your report, you spend time with him at the request of his mother. All of these points to their treatment of you as a parent to your son. You would be within your rights to take them to court for guaranteed visitation."

"What about my drinking and wrecking my car?  Could they use that to keep him away from me?"  Brian wanted reassurance that his past behavior would not harm his access to Gus.

"No.  In fact, your AA involvement would help your situation if they chose to fight you.  Do you have proof of your attendance? Do you have a sponsor? Anyone that can vouch for you?"

"Yes.  I do have a sponsor and he has attended every meeting with me for the last 3 weeks," Brian said.  He was glad that he had someone who could vouch for him. He was really happy that he had taken that leap and chosen Justin as a sponsor.  Their friendship was changing his life, one day at a time.

"Mr. Kinney.  If you believe that your child's mother will try to limit your access to him, I would encourage you to present your case in court.  While I'm fairly certain your case shows obvious support and involvement in your son's life, a legal opinion would guarantee your access.  This way if they attempted to limit or forbid you access, you would already have legal precedent on your side."

Brian thought about her suggestion. He would definitely sleep better at night knowing his access to Gus was legally guaranteed.  "What would that involve? Would there be a court trial?"

"In Pennsylvania, genetics determines legal parentage.  All we would need to do is verify that Gus is your son. Since there is no legal contract to dispute, in the eyes of our state you are legally responsible for him even if you are not listed on the birth certificate. If the donation were anonymous, it would be much more difficult.  But in that situation there would be medical intervention and witness."

"So, how do I do that?  And what would be the next step?"

"First, you would need to verify his DNA.  There are many labs that perform the test for child support disputes.  I have a list of labs that can complete the work.." Kera pulled open her bottom desk drawer and slid the file folders to the front until she located the one with the information she wanted.  Pulling out the folder, she looked through the papers until she found a list of labs in the area, and handed it to Brian.

"Once we verify that he is your son, we could ask the court to provide an opinion regarding your legal rights.  Since there was no contract prior to insemination, and you are the known donor, it is highly unlikely that the court would not grant you equal access to your son."

"Lindsay is going to be pissed. I can see it now as she bats her eyes at the judge and tries to convince them that no papers were signed as it was between friends and she knew I didn't want to be a father," Brian said, hearing Lindsay's whine and pretend innocent ploys.

"It doesn't matter.  The law is the law, and in Pennsylvania, even if she had you sign papers regarding your relinquishing your rights, it doesn't matter.  You knew you were providing sperm. The other biological parent has encouraged you to be involved in the child's life and you can prove significant financial support for the child.  The law sees it as black and white. She solicited your sperm for a child and she is treating you as a part time father."

"Our consultative hour is almost up, Mr. Kinney.  Do you wish to proceed?"

"Yes.  How much is this going to cost me?  Not that Gus isn't worth every penny, but I just want to know."

"This is a pretty straight forward case.  I charge $500 for the initial court filing. This is not a very complicated case.  My fee will be $3000. I estimate that I will not need to spend more than 10 hours on the case."

"$3000 for my peace of mind and guaranteed access to Gus is excellent," Brian said, realizing he spent almost that much in providing support for Gus every couple of months.

"I'll have my assistant walk you to the anteroom and you can make financial arrangements," Kera said as she stood up and shook Brian's hand.

"Thank you.  I'll look at the list you provided and take Gus for the DNA test this weekend.  I'll have him on Friday and Saturday."

"Great.  Have the results sent to my office and I'll call you when we receive them."  She returned to her desk and hit the intercom button. "Molly, can you come in and draw up a simple custody plan for Mr. Kinney.  I anticipate 10 hours should be sufficient."

Brian gathered his briefcase, making sure it was locked and closed.  When another woman wearing a Donna Karran print dress came in, he followed her to the anteroom.  She sat down at the desk and clicked on the computer, booting it up. After a few clicks, she brought up the standard child visitation contract. She asked Brian for his information and typed it into the form.  When she was done, she printed it and gave it to him to review. He looked it over and signed his name.  

Molly said, "I will need $500 for today's visit."

Brian took out his wallet and gave her a black Mastercard.  

She clicked on a few screens until a payment screen opened.  She typed in the information and ran his card through a square.  She presented him with a signature screen and he finger signed it.  

"We're done.  Let me walk you out."

Brian sighed a deep breath of relief.  He would be able to have full access to Gus.  Hopefully, this process wouldn't take long. "Oh, by the way, I admired the art work on the walls.  Do you happen to know the name of the artist?" Brian asked as he was being escorted to the front lobby.

"Yes.  It's Justin Taylor.  He is very talented. He's my brother.  I'll let him know he has another art fan.  We get a lot of compliments on his work."  

Brian looked at the young woman, trying to see the resemblance to Justin.  He knew Justin didn't get along with his father, but he never talked about any of his other family.  6 Degrees of separation was starting to have a new meaning for Brian. He wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing.  Right now, he was just relieved and wanted to go home and celebrate.  

He stopped short when he realized that a drink was not on the menu of acceptable celebratory options.  Maybe just this once? He thought as he walked out of the office building and walked to his car.

TBC

Brian got in his car and drove toward his home.  It was 5:30 and the meeting he usually attended didn't start until 7:00.  He hadn't said anything to anyone but Ted about his visit to Beroes, fearing that he would be disappointed with the outcome.  Now that he'd been assured that he had full legal protection of his rights to have Gus in his life, he wanted to celebrate. Before his journey into sobriety, he would head straight for Woody's where he would order a shot or three of Beam.  He could remember the taste and slight burn of the Beam as it would slide down his throat, and then he would feel the tingling in his body as the alcohol hit his bloodstream. He wasn't sure how to celebrate without booze. He couldn't really see himself shouting from the rooftops or barging into the diner sharing his news.  

Sitting in his jeep, he pulled out his phone and pushed the number 4 on the display.

"Hello," Ted said as he answered the call.  

"What do you do to celebrate?" Brian asked.  He didn't provide any background information, just assumed Ted would figure it out without him having to spell it out.

"Um.  Ah." Ted wasn't expecting the question and was finding it difficult to put words into a sentence.

"Hi Brian, I guess your meeting went well," Ted said, trying to stall for time as he thought of an answer.

"I really want a drink to celebrate, but I know that's not a good idea.  So, I will ask you again. What do you do to celebrate?" Brian said, hoping to get some ideas.

"Blake and I often do something special together.  If it is a big celebration, we might go to an upscale restaurant or buy something for the condo.  A really big celebration might have us buying tickets to an opera, maybe going out of town to see a show.  Sometimes we go to the store and buy the ingredients for a special meal. We like cooking together. We often make love as a way to celebrate, too."  

Brian listened but nothing Ted said would work for him.  He ate at upscale restaurants frequently, especially when entertaining clients.  He didn't like Opera, and while he enjoyed the theatre, he didn't attend very often.  He traveled a lot for his job, so going out of town was a hassle he'd rather avoid. Sex was a different animal now.  He was used to using sex as a way to forget what he was feeling, not celebrate.  

"Lindsay can't keep Gus away from me and I want to celebrate.  For the first time since he was born, I don't feel like I have to walk on eggshells."  Brian's eyes lit up at the thought of dropping in at any time and taking Gus for an adventure.  He knew the law would stand behind him. He was slightly reluctant to push the issue as Kera had suggested, but now that he thought about it, he liked the idea a lot.  

"That's great news.  I know you're relieved.  I could come over and we could go to dinner," Ted said offering his time without being asked.

"No, thanks.  I'm going to a meeting in an hour or so.  Thanks for gathering all the financials," Brian said as he looked down at the manila envelope lying on the seat beside him.   He was incredibly thankful that Ted was so meticulous, keeping all the records involving Gus and the money that Brian provided to the munchers.  "I'll see you tomorrow."

"If you're sure.  I'm really okay with meeting you somewhere."  Ted understood how vulnerable Brian was at this time, even if Brian didn't recognize it.  Brian celebrated as well as commiserated with liquor; he didn't discriminate. Either reason was cause for a drink.  He was a watcher, especially of Brian, and could read his moods very well. He doubted Brian consciously understood his habits.  He would gladly talk to his friend about his observations and decided that he might bring up the topic in the next few days. He hung up the phone and went to find Blake.  He wanted to celebrate Brian's good news as it impacted more than just Brian. When Brian was happy, the office ran much smoother. 

"No, thanks.  I think I'll go shopping for a bit.  Treat myself to a new pair of shoes."

Brian hung up and sat in his car for a few minutes as he thought about Ted's suggestions. Every one of them involved having someone else to share the celebration.  While he had called Ted to share the news, he hadn't really thought about an answer. His primary focus was sharing the information. When did Ted become the person I wanted to share news with?  My first impulse was to have a drink, but that quickly went away.  Then I realized that I wanted to tell someone, and Ted came to mind.  

Picking up his phone, he hit the contact for Justin, hoping he would pick up.

"Hello," came the familiar voice.  "Everything okay? We have a meeting in less than an hour.  Are you not going to make it?" Justin asked, worried that something had happened to Brian.

"I'm good.  I went to the law office today and found out that I have full legal rights to my son.  No matter what happens, Lindsay can't keep him from me,"  

"That's great news.  I know that you were really worried about Gus.  You should celebrate," Justin said. "What would you like to do?"

"That's the problem.  I have no idea. Used to be, I would go out and have a drink, but that is probably not a good idea.  I asked my friend Ted what he did to celebrate, but everything he suggested was not appealing," Brian said, letting go of some of the tension in his body.  He could finally experience the relief he felt. While he had explained his anxiety regarding Gus to Ted and Justin, finally having a definitive positive answer brought him relief.  

"When something exciting happens to me, I go to the Carnegie Art Museum and walk around.  Seeing other people's work often inspires me but it also gives me joy. I could sit there for hours. Is there anything that just really makes you happy?"

Brian hesitated for a few minutes before saying softly, "I don't have a clue what makes me happy.  I've never thought about it. "  

"Are you coming to the meeting tonight?  We could talk about it afterward," Justin said.

"Ok.  See you in a bit," Brian said as he started the car up and drove toward the meeting.  He had been so relieved after talking to the lawyer, but now his tension was returning.  He was beginning to realize that he had no idea how to really live his life outside its traditional confines. His life had consisted of two parts; work and tricking. After work he would go to Woody's for a few beers, and then to Babylon, searching for a few tricks.  He didn't really think about why he went to either place, it just was what he wanted to do. When he had a day off, he was often at a loss on how to spend his time. His life was a series of activities; the majority of which did not give him much joy. He loved landing a new account, but the elation was often short lived as he was always having to fight for the next account.  By the same token, he loved spending time with Gus, but that was also short lived, since Lindsay parcelled out his time with his son. Now that might change and he was happy about that development.  

He drove to the meeting, parking the car in the lot across from the community center.  Today was Wednesday and tomorrow he had planned on going to Woody's and or Babylon with Justin.  He's been so caught up in gathering all the financials to take to the lawyer, the days had flown by.  Part of him wanted to skip the meeting and just talk to Justin about tomorrow, but he dismissed the idea. Brian Kinney was not a lesbian and did not talk everything to death.  

He walked into the community center and saw Justin grabbing a cup of coffee at the back table.  

"Hey," Brian said as he grabbed a styrofoam cup for himself.  After pouring himself a cup of coffee, he placed his normal three sugars and two creams in the cup.  "I know, it's more a candy drink than coffee, but that's how I drink it." Brian took a sip and smiled at the bittersweet taste of the brew.  

"To each his own.  How you drink your coffee is not a big deal.  I already know you are a coffee snob. Let's sit down, it's almost time to start."  Justin walked toward the front of the room where a circle of metal chairs were placed.  

The speaker started out the meeting in the usual way, asking if there was anyone new.  Today a young blond woman raised her hand about half way and said, "I am."

"Welcome. "I'm Calvin.  We all use our first names during the meeting.  What's your name?"

"Sabrina."

Everyone in the group said, "Hi Sabrina."

Calvin asked if Sabrina would like to talk about why she was here tonight, but Sabrina said no.

Calvin said,  "There is no requirement to talk or share, but hopefully one day you will feel comfortable and want to do both."   Calvin could see many of the group members nodding in agreement. Many of them probably remembering when they were new and scared to talk.  

"I was talking to a friend yesterday about sobriety.  He said that being sober was an easy decision since his life had been so impacted by his drinking that he had nowhere to go but up.  However, he said it was harder to tell the people in his life that he'd changed. I'd like to explore sharing your sobriety. Anyone want to start?"  Calvin asked.

"Hi, I'm John.  I'll start. I had tried to quit drinking at least half a dozen times.  Sometimes I told myself that I'd stop, and other times I promised my wife I would stop.  Unfortunately, after the first few times of failure, neither of us believed my words. Finally attending AA made a difference.  While I'm gone a few nights a week attending meetings, I don't come home smelling like a brewery. She believes me now." The small circle of people clapped politely.  "It was a little different with other people. When I told my best friend that I stopped drinking, he tried to get me to go for a drink with him. He had a hard time believing that I really wanted to stop."

Brian nodded his head in understanding.  He could see Michael and Lindsay doing the same thing.  Their picture of him involved the playboy; always picking up tricks and drowning his feelings in booze.  

"So how did you convince him that you'd changed?" Justin asked. 

"I kept saying no.  After about the 3rd or 4th time, he quit asking me.  Our relationship is different. He had this vision of me and now its changed."

"Hi, I'm Mary,"  said the woman sitting directly across from John.  She had on a red sweater and jeans. She didn't wear any makeup and there were gray strands streaking her mossy brown shoulder length hair.  "When I told my boss that I needed some time off for detox, he was very supportive. I never told my colleagues. I've listened to them talk at lunch about people they knew who were drinking. The conversations were often very negative.  I didn't want to risk them talking about me that way."

"Thanks Mary," Calvin said.  

Brian thought about how Emmett and Ted had reacted to his sobriety.  They had been supportive, but he thought back to the reason he was sitting here in the room tonight.  "I'm Brian. I've only told a few people, but I haven't told more of my family because I thought that they would use the information against me. I was afraid that my son's mother would try to keep my son away from me.  She would twist my AA attendance as grounds that I was unsafe and he shouldn't be with me," Brian said. He was shocked that he shared this information. He'd been talking to Justin every night after meetings for several weeks and since he hadn't self destructed, he was discovering a lot of things about himself.  He'd started to examine many areas of his life. Each day he was discovering the benefits of sobriety.

"Brian, that's very scary. We always hope that our sobriety serves as a basis for having better lives," Calvin said.  Looking around the small group, he noticed several heads nodding in agreement.

"I decided to be proactive.  I just came from speaking with a lawyer who assured me that she would have no grounds to stop me from seeing my son.  She can't use my sobriety against me," Brian said.  

"I'm excited for you.  It sounds like he is very important to you," Mary said.

"Hi, I'm Sam,"  said a man who sat next to Brian.  He wore a gray business suit with a red and blue striped tie.  His face was bronzed, looking like he either just returned from a sunny clime or he used a tanning booth recently.  "I can identify with you, Brian. My ex knew I drank and she limited my access to my kids, citing safety as a concern.  When I told her that I was sober, she still tried to use my history of drinking as an excuse to keep me from spending time with them.  The courts can be helpful."

Brian was excited to hear about a success story similar to his own.  He knew there would be repercussions with Lindsay, especially when the bank of Brian closed for business.  His bigger concern was for Gus. He still hadn't figured out what spending more time with Gus would look like, but he knew it could only get better.

The big hurdle would be tomorrow when he went to Woody's and Babylon.  How would Michael handle the information?

Calvin said, "Thanks for sharing.  Our first goal is to admit to ourselves that there is a problem and we need help.  Once we seek help, telling others in our lives is important since we need their support in our journey.  Without the support of our family and friends, sobriety is difficult."

"I'm Justin and I've been sober for a year.  Meetings are a great support, but they are only an hour a day.  Without my family's support, I don't think I would have gotten through the other 23 hours,"  Justin said.

"Drinking impacts the family and each person has a role in your life,"  Calvin said. He raised his right hand, splaying his fingers so everyone could see them.  He tapped his thumb with the index finger of his left hand. "Is someone enabling you to drink by making excuses for your behavior?"  He tapped his index finger with the index finger of his left hand. "Is there a person who works behind the scenes to keep everyone happy?" He tapped his middle finger with the index finger of his left hand.   "Is there someone in your life who participates in destructive behavior to draw attention away from you? Whether your "family" is biological or not, there are often roles that people play," Calvin said as he explained common roles seen in families with an alcoholic member. 

"Understanding the roles of your family is critical to sharing your sobriety.  They also need to understand their part and how it impacts your sobriety. AL Anon and Al Ateen are both excellent groups that address how drinking has impacted the family unit and how they can assist you in this journey,"  Calvin said. He drank a sip from his styrofoam cup, and continued.

"Even if they are not interested in attending, you need to understand that your sobriety impacts them as well as you.  They are used to their role in your life, and when you change they are often at a loss as to how to act. They may deny there was an issue with your drinking because they liked feeling needed in your life.  Dynamics change when you stop drinking," Calvin said. He looked around the group and saw many nodding heads.

"My agent really wanted me to maintain sobriety.  She helped me devise a strategy for attending openings where alcohol  was served. I couldn't stay away from them since they are a must in my profession.  Her support was critical for my success," Justin said. "I'm not very close to my biological family so there weren't any changes on that front."

Calvin said, "This has been a great discussion, as always.  Coffee is in the back and we'll see you next week. Remember, support is critical in your journey.  We all need someone at our back."

Brian sat in his chair, not moving toward the back where the coffee table was located.  He was mulling over Calvin's words. He couldn't wait to discuss the meeting with Justin.  Justin watched Brian; he could see he was deep in thought.

"Brian, do you want to go somewhere and celebrate?" 

Brian looked at him, having forgotten his earlier phone call.  "Actually, I think I'd rather go for a coffee and talk. Tonight's talk was very eye opening in many ways."  Brian listened to his words and was slightly surprised. He just asked someone to talk.  

"Okay.  Sounds good.  Do you remember the coffee shop around the corner?"  Justin asked.

"Sure.  I'll meet you there."

Both men walked to their cars and met at the coffee shop 15 minutes later.  They were seated at the back at Brian's request. 

The waitress came by and asked what they wanted to drink and both men requested coffee.  She told them she'd be back to take their order.

As they waited for their coffee, they perused the menu.  She came back a few minutes later.

"What can I get for you gentlemen?" she asked.

Brian said, "I'll have a turkey sandwich on whole wheat with lettuce and tomato.  Put mayonnaise on the side. I'll have a bowl of minestrone soup for my side."

Justin said, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries."

"I'll put your orders in. They should be right up."

Brian took the sugar and cream on the table and prepared his coffee.  Justin smiled as he watched the meticulous preparations and prepared his own coffee as well.

"Tonight was really eye opening.  I never thought about the roles that my "family" play." He made an air quote when he said the word family.  "Both my parents were drunks, so I'm not sure who enabled who. I know I sure as hell didn't try to keep the family together.  Once I was old enough to escape on my own, I stayed away as much as possible."

"Did you know that people who have alcoholic parents are much more prone to developing alcohol problems themselves?" Justin asked.  

"Another thing to thank dear ole mom and dad for," Brian said, the sarcasm in his voice evident even to the casual observer.

"But they're not the ones I'm talking about.  Michael is an enabler and Lindsay is probably one too.  They both encourage my "bad" behavior." Brian put air quotes on the word bad.  I've told you about my concerns in telling Michael. He often took me home from the bars when I was too drunk or high to get there on my own.  He sees it as his way of keeping me safe. But I really think it is the only way that he feels important."

Justin took a sip of his coffee.  He hoped that tonight's meeting would get Brian thinking about his friends.  Justin had not tried to push the envelope on this topic, preferring to wait until Brian came to the conclusions on his own.  "Tell me why you think that way."

"Michael and I have been friends since we were 14.  I'm a successful businessman, but Michael works in retail.  He isn't really that successful in life. I think he needs to feel important and by hanging on my coat tails, he has a role in keeping me successful.  He can't compete in my business world, but he can make himself valuable in my personal life by caring for me when I can't." Brian took a sip of his coffee and picked up his spoon to stir it a bit more.  Looking around the coffee shop, he noticed that most of the patrons were gone at this hour. He was glad for the feeling of privacy.

"Now that I'm not drinking, I don't need him to get me home and keep me safe.  He's lost his connection to me and his feeling of importance."

"I've never met Michael, but that makes sense.  Do you think he will be a problem tomorrow night?  Push you to drink so he can feel important again?"

"I could see that happening,"  Brian said and frowned. "I guess I need to figure this out beforehand."

The waitress brought their food.  "It's hot. Be careful. Don't want you burning yourself."  She smiled at them and refilled their coffee cups. "Let me know if you need anything.  My name is Melissa."

Brian picked up his sandwich and took a bite of it.  Remembering that there was no mayo on it, he put it down and took off the top piece of bread, putting mayo on it, and then repeated the action on the other piece of bread. He put the sandwich together and took another bite.  "Much better," he said.   

"I can hear him now.  Brian, its only one drink.  One drink isn't going to hurt you.  You always drink at Babylon. Do you want me to find Anita.  I'm sure she has some good stuff you can take." Brian cringed as he heard Michael's familiar voice in his head.  

"That sounds like it could be a problem.  What do you want to do?"

"Calvin said we have to think about other people's roles in our lives as they are impacted by our drinking too.  I guess I need to talk to him before we go to Babylon. Maybe I should start with Woody's first and not go to Babylon."

"Your call. I'll do whatever you want."

Brian thought for a minute, shaking his head.  "No. It isn't going to change and I miss dancing and picking up tricks.  Sure, I can do that at Woody's, well the tricking part. But I just need to talk to Michael first.  I'll stop by his shop in the afternoon. That should be a fun conversation. NOT."

"Do you know what your going to tell him?"  Justin asked, understanding that this would be a critical conversation.  

Brian looked at Justin, realizing that this might be the most important conversation he would have in the next few weeks.  Unless he could get Michael on board, he would most likely be unsuccessful. But did Brian really want Michael to have that kind of power over him?  Did he want anyone to have that kind of power?  

"I think he needs to hear a lot of things.  Maybe the first thing he needs to understand is that he cannot continue to be my saviour."

"Your saviour?"  Justin asked. He was pushing Brian, but felt he was ready to commit to a path of sobriety and responsibility.

"I need him to understand that I can take care of myself and that I am responsible for my own behavior.  I think he needs to understand that I want sobriety."

"That sounds all very noble.  Do you think he will listen?" Justin asked, wishing that he could make this easier but understanding that until Brian learned to stand up for his own needs, he would be unsuccessful.  He took another bite of his cheeseburger, enjoying the melted cheese mixed with pickles and onions. The coffee shop was really more of a diner and he thought their cheeseburgers could beat the flavor of most upscale restaurants in town.  

"I don't know, but I really need him to believe that I want this.  I guess it boils down to the consequences. If he pushes me to drink, then he is pushing me to not be the best person I can be," Brian said as he explained what he finally was grasping from the meeting today.  

"Enablers have a role in sobriety.  They make excuses for the alcoholic, accepting the behavior.  Michael seems to have been your enabler."

"Yes.  He definitely makes excuses for my behavior.  In his eyes, he thinks I can do no harm and no one can convince him otherwise.  While I do enjoy the hero worship, I think it is time for me to be a normal human being again,"  Brian said.  

"Brian, he has a role in your life.  When you tell him you are sober; he will lose that role as your enabler.  Tread carefully," Justin said, urging caution.  

"So do you think I need to figure out a way for him to be in my life without the caregiving?"  Brian asked.  

"That is your call.  Meeting our own needs is hard enough without trying to meet other people's needs," Justin said before he took another bite of his cheeseburger.  He took another sip of his coffee and then looked at Brian. "Tell me what you want to do and I will support you."

"I guess the decision depends on what role I want Michael to play in my life.  I know I can't let him be the enabler any more. Let me think on it. There's another meeting tomorrow night and I can make up my mind afterward.  Liberty avenue doesn't get hopping before 11:00." Brian had finished his turkey sandwich and soup; although he really couldn't tell you what either of them tasted like.  He always left his meetings with Justin with more questions than answers.  

"Sounds like a plan.  But back to my original question of the evening.  Do you want to do something to celebrate your legal counsel?"  Justin asked. He knew Brian had been very excited when he called this afternoon and he didn't want the man to go home feeling like it had been an empty victory.

Brian looked at Justin and saw his sincerity and appreciated that he only wanted to help him, rather than be with him for a personal reason.  Justin didn't see Brian as an asshole or a partier. He saw him as a man who struggled with alcohol and who he wanted to help. Justin's only altruism was that he believed in Brian and wanted him to be successful in his sobriety journey.  

"No.  I'm good.  I think tomorrow will be the day to celebrate.  By then, I will have made up my mind what to do about Gus, Lindsay and Michael.  We've talked about all three of them so it is not a rash decision on my part. Now that I have a clearer picture, I think I can make some decisions."  Brian waved to Melissa and mouthed the words check.  

She returned to the table a few minutes later, bringing two checks.  "Pay at the counter whenever you're ready. No rush. Have a good night and come back again."  She smiled at both men and walked away.

Brian stood up as Justin did and leaned over to hug him.  "Thanks, Justin. I value your unbiased opinion. I've got an early meeting tomorrow, so better be calling it a night."

Justin returned the hug, somewhat surprised at Brian's gesture.  He smiled at Brian and said, "Later." They walked to the counter, paid their respective checks, and walked to the parking lot. 

Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day for Brian Kinney and Justin hoped that he would make some sound decisions.  Regardless, he was willing to support him in whatever way he could.

TBC

When Brian got home he unlocked the loft door, placed his mail on the island in the kitchen and looked at his home.  His kitchen was furnished with top of the line stainless steel appliances that were placed amidst granite counter tops and stone tile flooring.  Moving his eyes toward the living area, he looked at the designer couch, the expensive paintings, and SUPER HD 4K TV; all of them shouted to the even the most casual observer that he had money to spend on nice things.   His eyes naturally gravitated to the liquor cabinet, even though his mind knew it was bereft of liquor. He'd had a great day and he really wanted a drink to celebrate. Both Justin and Ted had offered to join him for a celebratory meal but he'd declined.  He ate because he had to sustain his body, but it had never been an activity that he thought about. Well, he did think about it when it came to watching his intake, but when it came down to planning a nice meal or looking forward to eating out at a special restaurant, that had never been on his radar.  

Justin had asked him what he wanted to do to celebrate and he stated that he had no idea.  While most people celebrated with a meal or special treat, he realized that he celebrated by buying himself presents.  When he was a child, his parents rarely gave him presents for his birthday or Christmas, using the excuse that there was no money.  He understood even back then that meant that his parents used the money to buy booze and there was none left for him or his sister. He loved nice things; clothing, shoes, furniture, and cars.  He looked forward to trying out a new club or shopping at the latest Prada collection show. Since he hadn't received these items as a child, he'd learned at an early age, that he would have to give them to himself.  There were few real celebrations in his home; therefore he had had to develop his own brand of celebrating his life or accepting his failures. Of course, he often used to celebrate with booze, but that was no longer on the table.  

As he worked through the program, he was beginning to understand more about his life.  He'd been replacing his parent's affection with booze and objects. He hid his feelings in the bottle, just like his parents.  His parents didn't express love or much less like for each other or their children. He'd been told many times that he should never have been born, that his mother should have aborted him.  His drinking was beginning to make sense. He'd learned more at his parent's home than he realized. He used to celebrate by drinking and he hadn't thought about any other ways to mark the good things in his life.  

When he was drinking, he didn't have to worry about what people thought about him.  He didn't have to seek their approval. He was the "Stud of Liberty Avenue" and everyone wanted a chance to get in his bed.  Of course, he didn't go to Woody's or Babylon anymore, so he'd lost that identity. People on the street didn't whisper about the backroom or his 9-inch cock and how sex with Brian Kinney was an honor.  His life had been built around Babylon and tricking.  

He had to rethink his life and how he wanted to live it.  He had been given the green light regarding Gus, so he was not as worried about Lindsay and her reaction to his news, but Michael was a different matter.  The more he thought about Michael, the more he accepted that if it weren't for Michael taking him home when he was too drunk or high to drive, he wouldn't have much in common with him.  He owes Michael a lot, but could their relationship change to one where Michael taking care of Brian wasn't the primary glue that kept them together?

He yawned and decided that sleep was the primary important activity at this time.  He got ready for bed, realizing that the pull from the empty liquor cabinet had been minimal.  He hoped that would be the same tomorrow night when he got to Woody's or Babylon.

In the morning, he went to the diner for breakfast.  Ted and Emmett were in the booth, but Michael had not arrived.  

"Tonight's the night, ladies," Brian said as he slid into the booth.

"Oh, you are going to pop the question?  Who's the lucky man?" Emmett teased.  

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Brian?" Ted asked, caution in his voice. 

"It won't get easier and I miss my playground," Brian said.  

"Anything I can do?" Ted asked.  He understood the struggles Brian was facing.  While he was not the "Stud" that Brian was, the bars were a big part of his life before he got clean.

"Keep Michael occupied.  I'm going to go see him at lunch and tell him about my sobriety.  I think he'll have a hard time believing this is what I want and I can see him trying to get me to drink or use tonight."

"Sure thing, Brian," Ted said.  He took a sip of his coffee and stirred it a little.

"Of course, sweetie,  Michael can be a little dense at times.  Did I tell you how proud I am of you, Brian?  What you're doing is so impressive," Emmett said as he took a bite of his pancakes.  Emmett seemed to eat every carb on the menu and never gain an ounce. Brian watched with a mixture of envy and disgust as he poured what seemed like a pint of syrup on the remaining pancakes before taking another bite.  

"Impressive is earning a Clio for an ad.  This is just life," Brian said, dismissing the hard work and introspection that he'd done in the last month.  He knew he'd never thought so much about his life prior to going to AA. Of course, he had never cared about his life until it almost wasn't there.  

Michael came into the diner and slid next to Brian.  He waved at Debbie, the waitress who was also his mom.  

"Pancakes and bacon for me.  I'll have some coffee too," Michael said, not even using a please or thank you.

"Please and thank you would go a long way, Michael," Debbie chastised her son.

Michael rolled his eyes and said, "Please."

Debbie huffed and left to put in his order.

"Brian, I'm so excited about tonight.  I can't wait to go to Woody's and shoot some pool and then to Babylon.  I bet Anita is eager to see you back. I'm sure her profits have gone way down since you stopped hitting Babylon."

Brian cringed when he heard Micahel's diatribe, but chose to ignore it for now.  He wanted to have the conversation without all of Liberty Avenue hearing about his business.  He finished his last bite of egg white omelet and said, "Gotta go, ladies. I have a meeting in less than half an hour."  Brian picked up his bill, glanced cursorily at it and laid down a $20.00 bill. Ted wondered why he looked at the bill as he always paid with a $20.00 and Michael envied him that he had so much money all the time.  

Brian went to Kinnetik and worked until lunchtime.  He told Cynthia he'd be gone for a while but didn't tell her where he was going.  This wasn't unusual so she didn't think anything about his leaving.

Brian walked down to Red Cape Comics and glanced at the people on the street.  He typically didn't people watch, but today he was more aware. He attributed his people watching to his upcoming conversation.  Last night as he was laying in bed, closing his eyes to let Morpheus take over, he thought about the masks that people wear every day and how others see them.  He wondered if people would change their thoughts about him after tonight. He was still the "Stud of Liberty Avenue", but would be the stud without the booze and the drugs?  Were the booze and the drugs part of his persona? He could still party hard at night and still make it to work the next day, despite the hangover. 

Now he made it to work early and was very productive.  He rarely worked late, but that might be due to the need to attend an AA meeting every night.  He corrected himself as he continued to walk the sidewalk toward the comic shop. He was productive because he wasn't hungover when he got to work.  He no longer needed 3 cups of coffee to jolt his system or to clear it of the toxins from the night before. He was able to work from the time he got to work until he needed to leave.  He felt better, both physically and mentally since he stopped drinking and he found he slept better too. He realized that he liked the new Brian Kinney.

He walked into the shop and there was no one around.  It was late for lunch, after 1:30, and anyone who would stop in during the typical lunch hour would be back at work. It was too early for the after school crowd as well.  He'd timed his arrival for just this time so he and Michael would not be interrupted. Michael heard the familiar jingle of the door and came from the stockroom.

"Brian.... Everything okay?  Not used to you dropping in the shop in the middle of the afternoon,"  Michael said as he walked back toward the storeroom. He walked to the mini-fridge and grabbed a Coke for himself and a bottle of water for Brian. After handing Brian the water, he popped the top of the Coke and sat behind the register on the tall bar stool. 

"I came to talk to you," Brian said. He thought he had everything figured out before he walked in the store, but now he seemed to stumble over his thoughts.  

"Brian, you're scaring me.  Tell me what is going on."

"It's about tonight.  I won't be drinking or doing any of Anita's drugs."

"I don't understand.  I know you haven't been to the bars for a while, but you look fine.  Has the doctor got you on some weird medicine? It's never stopped you before."

"No, Mikey.  I'm not taking any medication and I'm fine.  I just don't drink or do drugs anymore," Brian said.  Telling Ted and Emmett had been much easier than this conversation. Telling Michael seemed like telling a child.  He knew he would have to spell it all out for him.

"What do you mean you don't drink or do drugs?  Since when? I've known you since we were 14 and ever since your junior year in high school, you've been drinking or popping something.  What happened to you? Are you sick? Are you dying?" Michael rushed Brian from behind the counter and gave him a bear hug.  

"No, I'm not sick and I'm not dying.  In fact, it is just the opposite. Now that I'm not drinking or doing drugs, I feel like a new person," Brian said.  He took a sip of his water, waiting for his words to sink into Mikey's brain. 

"What?  Repeat what you just said, Brian.  I'm sure you did not say that you are no longer drinking or doing drugs,"  Michael said.  

"Yep.  You heard right.  I haven't been going to the bars so I could stay away from the booze,"  Brian said. He watched Mikey try to process this information. It would have been funny if it had not been so serious.  Mikey looked like a fish as he opened and closed his mouth multiple times.  

"So what happened?  I can't believe you just gave up booze and drugs.  Did you get arrested? Is this some legal shit? If so, maybe Carl can help you out."  It seemed that Michael was still in his rescue mode when it came to Brian's well-being.  Even when Brian was telling him that he was fine and felt great, Michael felt he needed fixing as he was changing the way he normally did things.

"Mikey, no legal shit,  No one is making me do this.  I'm doing it all on my own. Well, Gus has something to do with it, but this is for me."

Michael nodded his head, but he didn't really understand.  "So, are we still on for tonight? I can't wait to go to Babylon and Woody's and have a few beers as we shoot some pool and watch you pick up tricks,"  Michael said.

"Michael, What part of I won't be drinking did you not understand?  I'll be dancing and picking up tricks, but there will be no drinking or visits to Anita."  

Michael looked at Brian and nodded his head again. "Okay.  Have it your way. I'll still be enjoying a few beers. What's Babylon without the beer?"  

Brian did not have time to go into a discussion of sobriety nor did he really want to do that.  He put down the Iron Man Pez dispenser that he'd been fidgeting with and left to return to Kinnetik.

When he returned, he saw Ted's door was open and he knocked on the door.  Ted looked up and waved at him.

"What can I do for you, Bri?"

"I just talked to Michael or should I say talked at Michael.  The man is as dense as a steel door. I told him I wouldn't be drinking or visiting Anita and his first words after that statement was that he couldn't wait to shoot some pool and share a few beers,"  Brian said as he ran his hand through his hair. He had enough product in it for nothing to be out of place after his move. He frowned deeply, the tiny crow's feet barely visible by the corner of his eye.  "I have one persona, "Stud of Liberty Avenue" and Michael can't seem to wrap his head around that I might change."

"So what's your plan?" Ted asked.  He was afraid that Michael would react like that and he wanted Brian to think ahead.  Planning for contingencies was a great strategy for sobriety.

"My plan?" Brian asked as he moved to close the door and sit in one of Ted's blue office chairs.  The chairs were a standard design, with no obvious amenities as Ted rarely had people in his office.  Most of the meetings he had involved numerous people and were held in one of the three conference rooms in the building.  Brian stared at the picture of the Sydney Opera house that Ted had hanging on the right side of his desk. Its placement allowing him to view the magnificent architecture and think about the amazing Operas that were performed in its walls.  

Ted had been holding a file and he placed it on the desk.  Looking at Brian, he said, " Yes, a plan. Based on your conversation with Michael, he apparently doesn't believe you when you told him that you are not going to drink or visit Anita.  You have to be ready for him to push you to do those things."

"We just talked about the roles people play in our addiction and the first person I thought about was Michael.  Michael's role is my caregiver, or the fancy term, Enabler. He thinks it is his responsibility to make sure that I get home from the bars intact and that he watches out for me.  If I'm not drinking, I don't need him to do that."

Ted nodded his head.  "I'd have to say I agree with you.  Michael is always touting himself as your best friend, but it has always struck me wrong that a best friend would not intervene when their friend was literally getting wasted right in front of them.  Obviously, a friend would intervene on any occasion when the person imbibed too much, but Michael encourages your behavior."

"Exactly.  I was telling Justin, he's my sponsor, that Michael's role would disappear if I wasn't drinking.  He wouldn't need to make excuses for my behavior since I would be totally aware of everything I did."

"That is great insight, Brian.  Typically, when a person gets sober, they stop hanging out with the people that they used drugs or drank with.  Since I don't see you ending your friendship with Michael, I ask you again, what is your plan?"

Brian rubbed his hand over his face several times and darted his eyes around Ted's office.  In addition to the Sydney Opera House, there was a beautiful wall hanging of the New York Metropolitan Opera house on the other side of Ted's desk and behind his desk was a large abstract painting with yellows, blues, and green brush strokes.  Brian had always liked that painting and he realized that he was more observant of art since he'd met Justin. Thinking of Justin, he smiled, knowing Justin would be proud of him right now as he was talking to people about his recovery. This was an important step and one he'd been avoiding.

"For now, I'm asking you and Emmett to watch him/ us.  If he starts suggesting I should imbibe in either one, just distract him or get Emmett to pull me on the dance floor.  I anticipate that I'll be so happy to be playing in my playground that I won't be doing much surveying around the bar."

"I can do that.  I know Emmett is on board.  For what it's worth, Brian, I'm sorry."  Ted said. He picked up the cup of coffee that was on his desk and took a sip.

"Sorry's bullshit," Brian said, repeating his all too familiar mantra.

"Brian, whatever you want to believe, but in this instance, I am truly sorry that Michael isn't at your back.  But I imagine that his response was not unexpected."

Brian nodded in agreement.  "I've got a project to review before I have to leave tonight.  I've taken enough time today to deal with Michael." Brian stood up and left the room.  

Ted was pleased that Brian had come to him.  He would do everything in his power to see that his friend's foray back into his favorite playground was a success.

TBC

Brian was looking forward to tonight, hanging out in his favorite playground. He missed the familiar prowl and conquest of anonymous sex.  But before he would go to Woody's and maybe Babylon, he wanted to attend a meeting. He knew Justin would be waiting for him and he was beginning to accept that AA was not all bullshit.  He'd been sober for about a month and attending meetings for 3 weeks. He remembered his first meeting where he had stood up and voluntarily admitted that he was an alcoholic. Each meeting had him examining his life, but with each area uncovered, there seemed to be more questions he needed to answer.  

Justin and Brian had talked about Michael on several occasions.  While he was supposedly Brian's best friend, he definitely had a role in Brian's drinking.  Today's conversation was another one to add to the books. Brian was definitely struggling with his relationship with Michael.  His friendship with him was long-standing, but when he thought about the last month, he realized that he'd not really talked to him very much.  He'd avoided him as he was fairly certain that Michael would push him to drink, return to Babylon and Woody's. As usual, Brian had more half-finished thoughts, but these actually were occurring before the meeting, not afterward.

Brian found Justin talking at the coffee table.  He didn't want to interrupt; therefore, he took the familiar styrofoam cup, filling it with coffee and a generous helping of sugar. Just as Brian finished stirring his drink, Justin turned toward him.  

"Are you ready for tonight?"

"Sure. I talked to Mikey," Brian said, the frown on his face evident.

"Sounds like it didn't go too well?"  Justin asked. He took a sip of his coffee and walked toward the circle of seats.

Brian followed him.  "Yeah. It seems that ‘no, I'm not drinking anymore' doesn't compute in his brain," Brian said, putting air quotes on the statement.   "When I explained that I wouldn't be drinking or doing any of Anita's drugs, he said okay, and then in the next breath told me he couldn't wait to share a few beers and hang out," Brian said.  He sat down in the wooden chair and took a sip of his coffee. He winced at the bitter taste. "Why don't I ever remember that in general, coffee at AA meetings is usually no better than colored water?"

Justin ignored Brian's usual diatribe about the coffee and concentrated on the real message.  "So, Michael might be a problem?"

"Maybe, but I already talked to Emmett and Ted and they agreed to distract him if he gets too pushy about the booze.  I'm taking ownership of my drinking," Brian said, realizing that he was doing exactly what Ted suggested, coming up with a plan.

"I'll be there too," Justin said.  He'd been thinking of his offer to go with Brian and he'd been questioning whether this was the right move.  There was no AA police but there were accepted behaviors and typically going with the person you sponsored to a known drinking establishment appeared to be counterintuitive.  Justin believed Brian when he told him that he went to Babylon to hang out and to pick up tricks and that the drinking was secondary. He had to wonder about that since Brian had chosen to stay away for a month, but he was willing to support him and give him the benefit of the doubt.  He just hoped he hadn't made a bad decision and that Brian would suffer the consequences.

Before Brian and Justin could continue their conversation, the leader of the group spoke,  "Hi, I'm Randy and today's topic is fear of intimacy. I know that sex is usually such a taboo subject even for people not in recovery, but I think it is a crucial topic and one I want to explore," Randy said.  Brian looked at Randy who appeared to be in his late 30's with a boyish face. His blond hair was short and parted on the side. He wore a dark grey Henley and blue jeans. While he didn't feel that the man oozed sexual appeal, he appeared to be in reasonable shape, maybe participating in some favorite physical activity like dancing rather than going to the gym, but he did not appear to have a beer belly or a puffy face.  

The small group nodded in silent agreement at the topic, but that was usually the case.  In the month that Brian had been attending meetings, he rarely saw anyone outright object to a topic.  Brian found the range of topics interesting as it gave him new food for thought after each meeting. Of course, that meant the hamster in his brain ran all the time, but he'd learned that he didn't mind his varied thoughts as much.  After all, the constant fear of losing Gus had finally urged him into making an appointment with Kera and freeing his mind of that concern.

"I sat in a different group a while back and listened as the participants talked about feeling unworthy and how alcohol helped them.  I'm going to go one step further and take it to the bedroom. Many alcoholics use sex for validation. If they can be successful in the bedroom, then they must have something going for them." Randy stopped and looked around the small circle of people.  Again, he saw a lot of nodding but all eyes were on him. "Sex is the sharing of our body in the most intimate way possible, and when someone doesn't love themselves or really know who they are, then sex loses its uniqueness. There is a reason that starting new relationships is discouraged for at least 6 months and maybe longer when someone is beginning their sobriety journey.  In order to share yourself with another person on that level, you need to know who you are."

"Hi, I'm John.  I used to go to the bar around the corner from work every night.  I'd pick up a woman most nights and take her home. We both understood it was quick, anonymous sex.  I didn't have the energy or desire for anything long term."

‘I'm Marsha,"  a black woman who wore jeans and a lightweight green sweater said.  "I was that woman you picked up every night. When I was drinking, I'd go to the bar and whoever made an offer was the one I ended up with at night.  One time, I thought I was pregnant and that really messed me up. I had slept with so many men and never knew anything about them. If I'd been pregnant, I would have no idea who the father was, let alone having to raise the kid by myself."

"I'm Carl and I know I'm not much to look at.  I'm a balding, middle-aged man with a beer belly and obviously don't hit the gym as I should."  He pointed to his bald head and belly and the group laughed a little at his statements. "But, I still could pick up women.  I had a good job, drinking after work and on weekends was my history and no one suspected I was an alcoholic. I wanted what a lot of the guys in the office had; a wife to come home to and someone to care what happens to me."

Marsha said, "Do you have that now, that you aren't drinking?  Do you think your drinking really interfered with your finding someone?

"Yes and Yes.  While I only drank at night and weekends, it was beginning to impact my job as I was coming in later.  Hangovers will do that to you. Anyway, my boss finally gave me an ultimatum; get clean or get fired. I still have my job.  Anyway, after working the program I realized that I was using the one night stands to avoid getting to know someone. I didn't think anyone would want me so I drank to fill the loneliness and picked up women who gave me the illusion of intimacy.  After I got sober and accepted that I had something to offer, I started dating and found a great woman. I've been sober for three years and we are very happy together.

Brian said, "I'm gay and it doesn't work like that in the gay community.  Picking up anonymous men for sex is an accepted activity."

Randy asked, "There are a lot of gay men who get married and have partners."

"But that is not who I am.  I don't want the white picket fence and 2.3 children.  I don't care anything about the men with who I have sex. with. It's about getting off," Brian said, stating to him what was obvious, but not the norm for heterosexual.

"Don't use being gay as an excuse to avoid intimacy.  Brian, has your sex life changed since you stopped drinking?"  Randy asked. He had worked the program for over 5 years and during that time there were participants who discussed their sexuality during the meetings.  He'd heard that sentiment a few times. 

Brian bristled a little at the question.  After all, he was the "Stud of Liberty Avenue".  Everyone knew that Brian Kinney's fucks were legendary and to be chosen by him was considered a big kudos.  Brian's motto of lying only because "they made you lie" still held true. He was not one to lie to make himself feel important or better than anyone.  He hesitated for about 10 seconds before answering.

"Yes,"  Brian said.  He had originally spoken as it irritated him when people applied their rules to everyone as if gays and heterosexuals were alike.  He was an out and proud successful gay man. No one could argue that statement, and he was often the first one to put his sexuality out there.

"I haven't had sex as much, but that is more to do with my avoidance of Babylon and Woody's, the two gay bars that I go to,"  Brian said, excusing his behavior for lack of attendance at the bars.

"But if sex were truly just about getting off, you wouldn't need to go to the bars to find a partner?  I'm sure that you could find them elsewhere," a young woman in her late 20's asked. She wore a white button-down shirt and black dress pants and she wore a little dusting of eye shadow and lipstick. Her makeup was not overdone, just highlighting her eyes in subdued neutral tones and her cheeks were tinged with color.  Her black hair was parted in the middle and edges framed her face with layers that got longer as they moved toward her shoulders. "My name is Delilah and I am a lesbian. I like going to bars too, but I can find partners in lots of places."

Carl spoke again.  "Brian, maybe you should really think about what sex means for you and if you are using it as another drug. Are you hiding your fears of intimacy in anonymous sex?  Maybe your decline in sexual activity is due to introspection and a desire to have a more fulfilling relationship, not just a result of not hanging out in the bars."  

Brian listened to the conversation and while he usually would defend his right to have anyone and everyone suck his cock, he decided that this was a topic that deserved his attention just like all the other topics that were brought up in the group.

Justin listened to the conversation and wondered how Brian was processing the information.  The topic could not have been chosen on a better day. He hoped Brian would be willing to discuss it before they went to the bars.  Maybe the upcoming visit would be aborted as Brian had time to work through the information. A part of him hoped that this would happen as he feared it might really be too soon for Brian to push his sobriety.  

"I have zero interest in getting married; it is for heteros, not gays," Brian stated.  "My parents were married and there was no love lost between them. Why would I need marriage to be miserable?"

Delilah nodded her head in understanding.  As a lesbian, it was more common to have a long term partner, but not everyone wanted marriage.  "Brian, as a lesbian woman, I don't necessarily want marriage either, and I believe that marriage is not for everyone.  I've got a lot of straight friends who choose not to be married as well. I think you are confusing marriage with intimacy. The two are not mutually exclusive."

Brian hated being the center of the discussion.  A few weeks ago, he would have most likely walked out of the meeting, but he'd attended enough meetings to know that sometimes there were one or two people who were the focus of the discussion.  As usual, he was surprised by his willingness to even share some of his thoughts. 

"Hi, I'm Justin.  I've always wanted a partner, but haven't found the right person.  Like Brian, I'm a gay man and have picked up random guys for sex. I don't think it's about picking up strangers for sex; lots of straight people do that.  Sometimes you have an itch that you just can't scratch yourself.

The small group laughed at his statement and that eased the tension in the air.  Even though Randy had prefaced the discussion with the warning of its typical taboo, and no one had objected, it still was more charged than usual.  

Justin continued, "Think about the recent divorcee who is starting to date or the person who has chosen not to get married; they both may enjoy the one-night stand.  It doesn't mean that they are afraid of intimacy."

Carl didn't want to argue, but he wanted to bring his point out again, "Brian, just think about why you have slowed down in the sex department?  Is it because you have stopped going to the bars or is it something else?" Carl said, in a softer, kinder tone.  

Randy said, "Intimacy is sharing your body with a person you care about, but sex is just an exchange of bodily fluids.  They are very different. I'm not a therapist nor is this the place to analyze anyone, but I encourage anyone who is struggling with this area to seek professional help. Tonight's discussion was a good one and I appreciate everyone's participation, but our time is up.  Coffee is in the back. Thank you for coming."

Several people turned toward their neighbors and appeared to be talking animatedly.  Evidently, this was a hot topic as Randy had suggested. Justin looked at Brian as the meeting broke up and motioned for the door.  After just a few weeks, he knew Brian preferred to process the information privately rather than at the coffee table. In addition, they were supposed to go to the bars later tonight.  He wondered if the meeting would impact Brian's decision to move forward with his intended visit.

As they walked toward the exit, Justin asked, "Coffee shop around the corner.  The one with the funky tables?"

"Sure, I'll meet you there."  Brian walked toward his car, mulling over the meeting. The hamsters in his head were eagerly turning their proverbial wheel. He drove to the diner, parking his car and finding a booth in the back as they usually did.

Justin joined him a few moments later and they both picked up the menu from the metal holder at the end of the table.  

Brian said, "What did you do when you first got sober?"

"Do?" asked Justin.  He was pretty certain that Brian was talking about the sex question, but he did not want to assume anything.

"Sex.  I guess the real question is was sex different for you before you got sober?" Brian took a drink from the glass of water that the waitress had placed on their table.

"The quick answer is yes, but that is really not the whole answer."  Justin took a sip from his water glass as well and took a deep breath.  He never thought that being a sponsor would involve so much deep thought on his part,  It sure didn't seem that Jeremy struggled with his questions, but he was happy that Brian was coming to him.

"I have always wanted a partner, not necessarily marriage, but if I find the right person, sure that would be on the table.  I think you were right that at some point in most people's lives sex is experimental and a way to get off. Eventually, the novelty wears off, but people like sex.  It feels good and the endorphins set off by orgasms are amazing no matter if you are gay or straight." Justin stopped his explanation as the waitress walked up to the table.

"I'll have a cheeseburger and fries with a coke," Justin said.

"Chicken Caesar Salad with the dressing on the side," Brian said as the waitress looked at him, indicating he could order.

"Thanks, I'll have it right up.  Anything to drink besides water?" She asked.

Both men shook their heads in denial.  

"When I was drinking I picked up tricks a lot.  It was part of the routine. I drank and I had sex.  When I became sober, I still had sex, but the routine was gone.  I really think it has more to do with my self-worth. Like Randy said in the meeting, intimacy is different than sex.  I don't want to share my body with just anyone."

"So, you don't pick up tricks?"  Brian asked, amazed that there was a gay man who didn't trick.

"No, I do trick, just not very often.  I don't go out of my way to pick up some random guy, but if I see something I like or if I'm horny, sure I trick,"  Justin said as he placed the menu back in its holder. 

"Someone, I think it was the guy named Carl, asked me if I was having as much sex now as I did when I was drinking.  If I'm honest with myself, I'm not as interested in finding tricks. Early on, I picked up a few tricks, but most of the time, its too much trouble," Brian said, surprised at his answer.  "I hadn't really thought about it until he asked. Sex was as much a part of my life as breathing." Brian placed his menu in the holder at the edge of the table. He would have never thought he would be discussing his tricking with anyone, but then he would have never believed two months ago that he hadn't had a drink in a month.

"You slowed down when you got sober.  How long did it take you to start tricking again?"  Brian asked. When he looked back on the last month, he could probably count the actual times he had sex.  Not that he was into putting the proverbial notch on his bedpost, per se, but prior to his sobriety journey, he had sex so often that it would have been a chore to keep count.  Oftentimes, when he came home from a meeting, it was just too much effort to troll for tricks.

"Maybe, three or four months.  I wanted to be sure I could separate the two.  Sex was an escape but also a way to feel good about me.  Drinking was the same thing." Justin said. The waitress brought the food to the table and Justin inhaled the distinct aroma of charred meat.  He opened the ketchup bottle and poured some on his plate. He didn't like to drown his french fries in ketchup but rather used the sauce as a dip. 

Brian poured a little dressing on his salad and mixed the food together.  He noticed it was made from mostly iceberg lettuce, but he accepted that they were there to enjoy the coffee and maybe a bite to eat rather than it being an upscale restaurant like he would take one of his clients. While not the highest quality of food, the diners and coffee shops Justin had chosen were not dives.  He was thankful that Justin had a discriminating taste in coffee and that the places had acceptable food, not that Brian really cared about what he ate, but he did appreciate not wondering if he was going to get food poisoning from his meals.

"I thought I missed Babylon for the tricks, but now I'm not so sure," Brian said as he stabbed some lettuce with his fork.  "I love the feel of the music thrumming through my body, but I'm not a dancer. As Carl said, I can pick up tricks anywhere, but I'm choosing not to very often."

"So what are you saying, Brian?" Justin was very pleased that Brian had chosen to explore the topic outside the AA meeting.  He wasn't really surprised as Brian often mulled over the conversations from the meetings, but this was a very poignant one and had a significant impact on their planned excursion this evening. 

"I think I'm saying that tonight may not be a good idea.  I think, well I know, I need to figure some stuff out before I go to Babylon."

"Are you sure?"  Justin asked, wanting to be certain that Brian was making his own decision, not one that he had pushed on him.

"Yes.  I think I need to really figure out why I go.  I don't dance. I can pick up tricks anywhere but haven't chosen to do that very often.  I see my friends in other places. I think I'm going for Michael and I can't do that," Brian said.  He got out his phone from his pocket and found the text icon. He quickly typed out a text telling Michael, Ted, and Emmett that something came up and he wouldn't be able to go tonight.   "I'm sure in a few minutes my phone will start ringing. He doesn't handle no very well."

 Justin was very proud of Brian at this moment.  He was beginning to make decisions without prompting or questioning from Justin.  He nodded his head in agreement and took another bite of his cheeseburger. "What are you going to tell him?"

"I'm not sure what I'll tell him, but I hope to make it clear that when I say no, I'm not going, it means no.  We both have to change. I'm just not sure he understands that," Brian said as he stabbed some more salad with his fork, popping it in his mouth."

Before Brian had finished chewing his food, his phone rang.  As he looked at the screen, it displayed Michael and Brian frowned, even though he expected the call.  He swallowed his bite and answered the phone.  

"Mikey, I'm not going tonight.  Something came up," Brian said. 

"What about later?  Babylon is open pretty late and its Thursday night, you can come in late tomorrow.  You are the boss," Michael said, trying to get Brian to change his mind. Michael was sitting in his living room, watching a rerun of Family Guy, eagerly awaiting the time that he was supposed to leave to meet Brian at Woody's.  When he read Brian's text canceling their get together, it was like a physical blow. "It's been a month since we hung out at Woody's or Babylon. I know you miss it."

"No can do, Mikey.  I don't know when I'll be hitting the bars or Woody's.  Might be a while," Brian said. He wasn't ready to share with Michael that he was attending AA, but he would let him know that he wasn't planning on going to the bars.  He silently hoped that Mikey would offer a different place for them to meet or another activity for them to enjoy. If so, then maybe there was more to their friendship than Mikey watching out for Brian.  

Brian waited for Michael to offer some alternatives, but the only thing coming from the other end of the phone was silence.  

After a few moments, Michael said, "I hope whatever you are doing is worth missing out on Babylon and Woody's."  Then Michael hung up.

"Ouch," Brian said as he put the phone back into his pocket. "He wasn't happy and ended the phone call by telling me that he hoped that whatever I was doing was worth missing out on Babylon and Woody's.  I guess I really do need to figure some things out."

"I'm proud of you, Brian.  You are beginning to question your life, not just your drinking.  Identifying your triggers to drink is just as much a part of sobriety as attending meetings. Introspection and getting to know yourself are a huge part of the journey,"  Justin said as he smiled his megawatt grin.

"But you said you would go to the bars.  Why would you say that if you thought it was a bad idea?  I thought your role was to keep me sober," Brian said, questioning Justin about his earlier agreement to go with him.

"You were so eager to go and so sure that you were going to hang out with your friends, not to drink or have sex. My role as your sponsor is to help you process what you learn in meetings and to be a sounding board.  I'm not a little devil and angel that sit on your shoulder and whisper in your ear, do this or do this. Sobriety is about free will." Justin did not like to lecture and felt that in this instance the statements left unsaid were just as important as the ones spoke.  Brian had come to his own conclusion that going to the bars at this point in his recovery was not in his best interest.

Brian laughed as he thought of tiny Justins sitting on his shoulders in an angel and devil suit respectively.  He took his hands and pretended to flick both imaginary figures off his shoulders.  

"You agreed even though you weren't sure it was the right thing to do?"

"Yes.  I hoped that you would change your mind, like you are doing.  If you decided to go, I could support you by distracting you if you felt the desire to drink.  You could just tap me on the shoulder and we could walk outside and work through it," Justin said explaining his thought process.  He took another bite of his cheeseburger, closing his eyes as he enjoyed the mingling flavors of melted cheese and cooked meat.  

"So, do you think I'll ever see the inside of Babylon or Woody's again?" Brian asked, wanting the answer to be yes, but stealing himself for a no."

"Never say never, Brian.  I go to the bars as does your friend Ted. We just don't make it our only outlet for recreation.  I'm not here to dictate your every move or to tell you what you can and can't do. I'm here to be a sounding board and to help you in whatever way I can."

"Thank you," Brian said.  "It's nice to have someone on my side who doesn't have an ulterior motive."  Brian ate another bite of his salad. " I've been feeling tense ever since we left the meeting.  As I listened to Delilah and Carl and even Randy, I realized their statements were worth exploring.  Delilah was right; I could pick up tricks anywhere and don't need an excuse to go to Babylon or Woody's to find men."  

Justin drank some of his water, realized it was almost empty and waved the waitress for a refill.  As he waited for her to come to the table, he looked at Brian. Brian's shoulders were more relaxed than when they sat down and his forehead had lost the tight wrinkles he got when he was thinking. 

"Unconsciously, you have been changing.  Have you thought about why you don't pick up tricks at other places?" Justin drank from his newly filled glass of water and waited for Brian to answer.

"Until tonight, I don't think I was consciously aware that I hadn't been picking them up.  Working, tricking and going to the bars has basically been my life for as long as I can remember.  Once Gus was born, I carved out time for him. Like I said a few times, I have no idea what to do with my life now that I'm not drinking,"  Brian said and then ate the last bite of his salad.  

"Brian, it's been a month since you took your last drink.  You've been drinking for years. Your life isn't going to change overnight.  Give it time. Figure out who you are and what you want from life and then make a plan,"  Justin said, encouraging him. "Every former alcoholic has to reinvent themselves."

Brian nodded his head in agreement.  "More work for the hamsters," he said, joking. "Thanks again for supporting me, even when I make poor choices."

"Your welcome.  So, what are you going to do with your unexpected free night?" Justin asked.  He wanted Brian to start making his life outside of the bars. Tonight was the perfect night to start.

"I'm not sure, but I know it won't involve drinking," Brian said as he smiled at his companion.

TBC

Chapter 24

"Your welcome.  So, what are you going to do with your unexpected free night?" Justin asked.  He wanted Brian to start making his life outside of the bars. Tonight was the perfect night to start.

"I'm not sure, but I know it won't involve drinking," Brian said as he smiled at his companion.

 Chapter 25

Brian had finished his salad when he informed Justin that he was canceling his planned excursion to Babylon.  Justin had a few bites remaining of his burger and he ate those while he allowed Brian to continue processing their conversation.  Brian appeared content to sit quietly while Justin finished his dinner.  

After Justin finished his last bite of burger and mopped up the last of the ketchup with his fries, Brian asked, "What are you going to do now that you have the night free?  After all, you were going to hang out with me at Babylon and now that is off the table." Brian had been looking forward to going to Babylon and having something to do other than attending an AA meeting and letting the hamsters run free in his head. He took a large drink from his water glass.  He twirled the glass on the table, leaving rings from the condensation.

Justin looked at the clock on the back wall and did a mental calculation of the day and time.  "I'm still up for hanging out with you if you want," Justin said. He'd not made plans on his own as he had committed to Brian.

"You don't have to.  I know you were going with me to help keep me away from the alcohol.  Now that I'm not going to Babylon, you can do whatever you would have normally done,"  Brian said, trying to let Justin gracefully out of his previous commitment.  

"I don't have any plans and I'd like to do something.  We could walk around downtown, go to Station Square; I love to watch people.  We could ride the Incline. The view is really majestic. I often go there for inspiration.  Of course, there are escape rooms, the Coin Operated Hall of Fame, or the moonlight horseback ride. There really is a lot of stuff to do here.  You pick."

"I know where Station Square is, I've taken lots of clients there. There are some really great restaurants, but seeing how we just finished eating, I don't see us eating again."  Brian waved his hand across their table covered in dirty dishes. "I've never heard of the Coin-Operated Hall of Fame and horseback riding by the moon sounds like a date. I haven't been to the Incline in years, but I guess if it inspires you, we could do that."  He waved the waitress over to their table and looked at the bill. Laying down money to cover his part of the bill, he gave the bill to Justin for him to pay his part. He mulled over the choices that Justin made and said, "Incline it is. Let's go. Art awaits. Since you don't have to watch me at the bar, I'll watch you as you get inspired." 

"Wanna take two cars or one? I'm not sure where you live in relation to the Incline, but I imagine you'll be heading home from there rather than coming back here," Justin said as they walked out of the diner.

Brian thought about where the Incline was and realized it was pretty close to his home.  Taking one car and having to come back here would really add another hour to his night. "I'll take my car.  It is closer to going home from there rather than coming back here. However, in some ways having to come back here would be ideal as it would give me an excuse to blow off Mikey.  Telling him I was too far away from Liberty Avenue to head over there might work, but knowing Mikey he would remind me that it was Thursday and the night was young."

"It bothers you that he doesn't accept your sobriety?" Justin asked.  He walked to his car in the lot and Brian walked beside him. They were not in any hurry.

"I'm not really surprised that he reacted that way; although I would be lying when I said that I had hoped for more support.  All those introspective talks that we've been having about my drinking, my relationships, etc are no longer theoretical. I'm going to put all the running that the hamsters have been doing in my head to work.  I've had a lot of time to think in the last few weeks." Brian and Justin stood next to Justin's car. Brian's car was a few rows over but he made no move to walk toward it.  

"Brian, remember we talked about how you didn't become an alcoholic overnight, you're not going to make sweeping changes in your life overnight either.  I know you want things to be different, but trying to change too much at once will just result in disappointment," Justin said. He wanted to add something about his own experience but thought that the warning would suffice for now.  He shivered slightly as the wind blew.  

"You sure you want to ride the Incline?  It's cold up there," Brian asked.  

"Brian, I'm fine.  I have a light jacket in my car and I'll put that on.  I know you were looking forward to going to the bars tonight and I think it would be a good idea for you to do something fun for yourself."  Justin smiled, hoping he was keeping the tone light, but really glad that Brian had agreed to go rather than head home and try to second guess his decision. If he was occupied, then it would be that much more difficult to change his mind.    "I know you want to change a lot of things in your life, but let's just start with increasing your recreational pursuits. The Incline is cheap and available until almost 1:00 am every day. No one is going to offer you booze when you board and you won't have Michael at your side pushing you to drink or do drugs."  

Brian nodded in agreement.  "True. I am an impatient man, wanting things done right this minute.  I'm beginning to realize that sobriety and this journey that I'm embarking on is not a quick fix. I have to get used to the idea that my transformation will not occur overnight or even in a week."

"If it makes you feel any better, I am still learning about myself and still find meetings beneficial," Justin said.

"Well as much as that might have been meant to be inspiring, it is doing just the opposite.  If you've been sober for a year and I've only been sober for a month, that means that I've got 11 months until I'm where you are.  I told you that I'm not patient," Brian said with a frown on his face.

"Let me rephrase that.  Sobriety is a journey and one that you never really stop.  True, I've been sober a little over a year, but after a few months, I really started to change.  Try not to put a timeline on your transformation. This is not a college class or a campaign for a client; it is your life.  Do you really think that people in their 50's are the same as they were in their 20's?" Justin touched Brian on the hand, trying to give reassurance.

Brian was pleased.  He was not used to people touching him for support.  He shook hands with clients, gave Deb a hug whenever he saw her and Michael demanded a kiss whenever they greeted.  But a light touch on his hand just to show that someone was thinking of him, was new to him. Justin had a lot to teach him and he was beginning to realize that he had a lot to learn about himself and life.

Another breeze blew over the two men and Justin unlocked his door, reaching in for the lightweight gray jacket he kept on his passenger seat.  He put it on and shivered a little at the coldness of the fabric but then smiled as the warmth from the additional layer started warming his chilled body.  "People are always changing. They want different things at different times in their lives. It's okay to want to change. Don't be scared of the person who you might become.  You've already changed as part of your journey. You went to a lawyer to find out about your rights to your son."

Brian listened and nodded in agreement.  "So I'm ahead of you by already taking charge of some changes in my life?"  Brian asked, always wanting to be on top of the competition.

"This isn't a race and I'm not going to play that game with you.  You will make some changes in your life at a quick pace and others will be a work in progress.  Like I told you the first day we met; there is no syllabus here. It's not a class where you get to tick off assignments and say okay I did all the work and now I'm fine."  Justin said. The street lights illuminated Brian, giving him a slight glow in the darkness. "I'm here to support you and I think you have other friends that will help also.  The important thing is that this is a journey where you need to be comfortable to reach out for support. If you could have done it yourself, you would have and you wouldn't be standing outside in the parking lot of a diner talking to me."

"Touche," Brian said.  "I get it. No syllabus.  No tests. No timeline." Brian looked around the parking lot, eyeing his car a few rows ahead of Justin's.  "I'll meet you at the Incline. Let's see what kind of inspiration you get from the lights of Pittsburgh."

Brian walked to his car and opened the door to get inside.  He put his keys in the ignition, closed the door and sat for a few moments contemplating his conversation with Justin.  

‘I told Mikey no.  I talked to a lawyer about Gus.  I'm not seeking sex as a refuge from my disappointment in not going to Woodys and in fact, if I'm truthful with myself, I really don't have a desire to go to Woody's right now.  Maybe Carl was correct. Okay, Mr. hamster, time for you to get off the proverbial wheel in my head and go to sleep. I'm not up to any more thinking tonight.'

Brian drove to the lot at the base of Mount Washington, parked his car and walked up to the Duquesne Incline to pay his fare.  Justin was waiting for him, having already bought his ticket. Since it wasn't the weekend, it was not that busy at 9:00 in the evening, but there were other customers in the trolley car.  

"You know, I don't think I've ever been here.  I've lived in Pittsburgh all my life, but my family was not one to do touristy things.  I vaguely remember a school field trip being planned but my dad didn't want to pay the fee.  He said it was silly to take kids to see the city when all there was to see was a bunch of houses and rivers," Brian said as he looked out the window of the trolley. He could appreciate the scenic view and understood why tourists, as well as locals, came here.  There were not many bright spots in Pittsburgh, but this one could definitely be considered one of them. Brian was able to get a seat close to the edge and could see the view as the trolley made its way up the Incline. Justin was next to him and looked out the window as well.  

The skyline was spectacular.  Up here, above the city, a person could get lost in the vistas.  

"The lights are nice," Brian said, underestimating their draw.

"I would hate to see what you would say is beautiful.  I think the view is pretty spectacular myself," Justin said as he watched the city grow smaller as the Incline inched its way to the top of the summit.  

"I'm not saying it isn't something to see, but I don't usually make a habit of labeling views.  As I said, I don't think I've ever come up here, even though I've lived in Pittsburgh all my life."

"I know you travel for business.  Don't you ever go sightseeing when you visit a different city?  I bet you've gone to some places that have beautiful views," Justin said, somewhat taken aback at Brian's statement.

"While I travel for business and have visited many cities, I usually don't take the time to visit any local sites.  If I had any free time, it was spent at the local bars and nightclubs picking up tricks," Brian said, realizing again how his life was built around tricking, work, and sex.  Since he'd slept with many of the men in Pittsburgh, trolling for new ones in other cities was a common practice. He chose to trick rather than enjoy the sites of other cities.  After tonight's meeting, he was starting to question his desire to have sex with so many men, but it was still too early to contemplate that part of his life. As Justin said so many times, he could not change everything at once. 

"I guess I lead a pretty shallow life.  As you can see when I say I don't have a clue what to do with my time, it is a true statement."  Brian looked out the window, thinking about Gus and how he would probably like to go on the Incline with him.  Brian hated admitting that he lacked finesse in any part of his life, but he was starting to realize that he was great at certain parts of his life, but needed a more rounded life.

"I know we've talked about this before, but I'll ask again.  What do you like to do in your free time? A few weeks ago, you would have told me that you pick up tricks and cruise the bars, but you haven't been doing that.  You spend time with Gus, your son, but try to think of some other things you might enjoy doing," Justin said, hoping Brian would come up with some ideas. He spent a few minutes looking at the lights of Pittsburgh, enjoying the mix of colors. He could see the rivers with their multiple bridges lit up.  The small island in the middle with over 20 buildings built on it was of architectural interest.  

Brian thought back through his last few weeks, looking for activities that he enjoyed.  

"I watch old movies a lot.  I definitely want to spend more time with Gus, although I haven't figured that out yet since my evenings are spent attending AA meetings," Brian smiled at his statement.  "I mean, I spend a lot of time talking to you after meetings. Does that count?" Brian looked at Justin, remembering his first encounter with the man. He was attracted to him and wanted to get him into bed. Looking back, he was certain that his one-track mind regarding conquests and tricking led him to initially agreeing to his invitation to go for coffee.  Even though Justin made it quite clear that they were going for coffee and he had no interest in sleeping with Brian. 

They had almost reached the top of the Incline and both men looked out at the view.  "I've seen this view on so many advertisements. Now that I see it for myself, I can really see the appeal.  Up until now, I just saw it as an interesting view used to catch the eye of the customer," Brian said. He pointed to the bridges and the small island that jettied out into the river.  "That piece of real estate is worth a fortune. There is so much commerce and traffic coming or going into the city and they all have to pass it. Advertising dollars are a premium for that space.  Now that I see it from this vantage point, I can truly appreciate the location. Sure I'd read enough about the area to understand its strategic placement, but viewing it from this vantage point, gives a lot more meaning to it."

"I love the bridges and the lights," Justin said. Pointing toward the bridges, " The Rachel Carson Bridge changes colors.  Did you know she was an environmentalist? Her books were the start of a global environmental movement," Justin informed Brian, sharing his information of Pittsburgh history.

"I just know it as the 9th Street Bridge.  I didn't know it had another name," Brian said.

"Yeah.  She grew up in the area but was a big environmentalist.  She was one of the first people to testify in front of Congress about chemicals in our water supply and our air.  Ultimately, her testimony was instrumental in cleaning up the rivers here. They are less polluted now than they were when she was a child living here," Justin said.

"You are a font of knowledge.  And why, pray tell, do you know all this information?" Brian asked, tongue in cheek, but with a genuine interest in what made Justin tick.

"I not only love art but I like history too.  Pittsburgh is my home and while I don't claim much of my family anymore, I do love the city.  There is so much to do and see. It offers something for everyone. I like sharing it with people."

"I see.  You do have a lot of enthusiasm,"  Brian said as he briefly contemplated his next statement.  "Since you know so much about the city and my expertise seems to be the bars on Liberty avenue, what would you say to sharing your knowledge?  My knowledge of things to do in the city could definitely be expanded," Brian asked Justin, hoping he would agree. He enjoyed their talks after each AA meeting and he'd been spending every evening for the last three weeks with the man. Exploring his own city may help him decide what hobbies or activities he'd like to do.  "Having an experienced guide would be great," he said.

The trolley arrived at the top of the Incline and the passengers got off.  Brian and Justin walked toward the restaurants in the upper station. While they had just eaten, that was the location of the Upper Incline Scenic Overlook where they could view more of the city.  

Justin mulled over his answer as they walked toward the Overlook.   On the one hand, AA discouraged newcomers from getting romantically involved with anyone new for at least 6 months, but Brian was not asking to date him.  Brian had stated many times that he didn't want a relationship and had never been interested in one, but what they were discussing sure seemed to meet the definition of dating.  On the other hand, he liked Brian and found him a very interesting man. He could easily be friends with him outside of AA and AA encouraged participants to make new friends and do things with other recovering individuals.

As a sponsor, he could justify hanging out with Brian, providing him support and knowledge.  After all, that is what his original intention was this evening when he had agreed to go to Babylon with him.  Taking him to the sites of Pittsburgh was definitely less concerning when it came to drinking. He liked helping people and he liked helping Brian.

"Sure, that sounds like fun.  We could explore the city together.  I could take you to my favorite places and then we can explore places we've never been to.  Maybe, after all the exploration, you will find things that interest you and maybe some activities to do with Gus."

Brian nodded and smiled when Justin agreed to his suggestion.  A tour guide sounded interesting. As they walked Brian accepted that there were definite advantages to sobriety that had nothing to do with not drinking.  Maybe this was his opportunity to figure out who the real Brian Kinney was. If someone had asked him 2 months ago who he was, he would have answered that he was the ‘Stud of Liberty Avenue and Owner of Kinetik'.  He might have spoken about Gus, but it would have depended on the context of the conversation. After the meeting tonight, he wondered if he was still the ‘Stud of Liberty Avenue'. While he could still pick up any trick he wanted, he'd chosen not to do so.  Did that still make him the ‘Stud of Liberty Avenue' if he didn't pick up tricks there? How would he answer that question? He honestly didn't know how he wanted to be known. He liked being Gus' dad and the boss of Kinetik, but other than that, he wasn't sure anymore.  

Shaking his head to quiet the hamsters in his brain, he said to Justin, "Maybe, after all the exploration of Pittsburgh, I might be able to tell you who I really am."

Justin smiled at Brian's cryptic response, knowing his work for the night was done.  He'd gotten Brian to start the process of figuring out what he wanted in life and he was going to help him come up with some much-needed answers.  They finished walking to the Overlook and stood admiring the view.

"You're right.  The view is spectacular.  So, tour guide, what is on the tour for tomorrow?  I have Gus tomorrow night, so I guess our tour doesn't start till Saturday. That is unless you are free to help a dad find something to do with his 10-year old son for a few hours on Saturday afternoon."

"So you have Gus tomorrow night?  Are you going to the Friday noon meeting?" Justin asked.

"Yes.  I meant to say something earlier but forgot.  You going to be there?"

"Actually, no.  I have a meeting with my agent.  I am free Saturday afternoon. Do you bring him back to his mother's Saturday or Sunday?"

"Usually late Saturday, but I bring him back in time to make the Saturday meeting."

Justin said, "Let's make it easy.  Why don't we meet here and take him to the Incline? You could grab something for dinner and then you could take him back and I could join you at the meeting."  Justin purposely did not include himself in the invitation to join them for dinner, not wanting to insinuate that this was a date or anything remotely resembling one.

"Sounds like a plan.  It would be interesting to see the city during the day," Brian agreed.  

They spent about thirty minutes walking around and viewing the city before returning to the Incline to take the trip back.  Once they reached the bottom, they went their separate ways.

Brian unlocked his car, looking at his dashboard clock that read 10:30.  Babylon would be starting to hop. He could show up and see if he really could go and not drink, but he realized that he didn't want to.  Just like Carl said, he could pick up tricks anywhere. Tomorrow he had Gus and he was always excited to see his son. He looked forward to his visit.  

Thoughts of Gus made him think back to his meeting with Kera.  He would have to talk to Lindsay and he had some legal stuff to deal with as well.  His life had changed so much in the last month, but he knew it would have more upheaval in the coming weeks.  Unfortunately, he didn't think that the changes would be met with as much ease as the ones he'd recently embarked on.

TBC

Brian pulled into his space in the garage next to the loft.  He glanced at the clock on the dashboard and saw the time, 10:45.  He yawned and realized that just a short month ago, he would be primping to go to Babylon for the evening.  He realized that he actually didn't have an interest in going and was happy that he turned Michael down earlier tonight.  Grabbing his phone out of the middle console, he opened the door and placed his phone in his pocket. He clicked the button to lock his car and made his way toward his loft.  

The hamsters decided that they had slept enough and he started thinking about the last month and the changes in his life.  He wondered when he lost interest in the latest conquest at Babylon and wondered if he would ever be interested in returning to his kingdom.  There was a lot of truth to the statements that the participants spoke tonight at the meeting. He could pick up tricks in other places, but yet he hadn't done so, or at least not very often.  Early on in his journey for sobriety, he had trolled the online websites for guys to pick up, but he stopped doing so after a week or so. He found that when he came home from a meeting he was more likely thinking about the discussion that night than burying his dick in some hole.  

As he unlocked his door, his phone rang.  Fishing it out of his pocket, he saw the caller ID identified the call coming from Michael.  He ignored the call, choosing neither to answer or decline the call. This way, he could deny its existence, feigning ignorance of Michael's attempt to reach him.  He had already explained to Michael that he was not going to drink and then he told him he wasn't going out. He needed Michael to accept ‘no'.  

Looking through the mail that he had grabbed as he entered the building, he saw a letter from Beros law firm.  Placing all the other envelopes and flyers in the basket on the island in the kitchen, he took the letter and sat on the couch.  He opened it up and read it. It was an obvious form letter stating the terms of the contract regarding Kera's representation of him in regard to his rights to his son, Gus.  The letter formally laid out his desire to have more influence in Gus' life and reiterated the legal precedents that Kera was going to utilize to formalize this action. The last dictate in the letter was a directive for Brian to have Gus' DNA tested to show paternity.  He held the letter in his hand and picked up his phone where he had placed it on the coffee table in front of him.

Scrolling through the names in his contacts, he pushed one of the newest ones and was happy when Justin answered.

"Hey.  Did you have a change of heart?  Want to go to Babylon? I can be there in about 30 minutes," Justin said, hoping that Brian had not changed his mind, but willing to support him if he had.

"You can go to Babylon without me.  I'm sure that after a year, you've got your urges under control," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

"I know.  So if you didn't call about Babylon, what's up?"

"I got a letter from the law firm in the mail.  I imagined it would take several weeks until I heard from them.  Anyway, it was just a summary of our conversation but the lawyer also wrote up the legal precedent that protects my rights.  She said there wouldn't be any need to go to court as the law is very clear in this situation. She just reminded me to take Gus for a DNA test.  I'm gonna have to do that on Saturday. It might impact our plans for your tour guide gig," Brian said, smiling at the thought of Justin as tour guide in his own city.

"Figure out where there is a clinic and I'll meet you two afterward.  I'm sure there will be plenty of time to find something to do. This actually works out well.  I got a text from my agent and she wanted to meet with me Saturday morning," Justin said, already thinking of kid-friendly activities.  

"Go meet with your agent.  We can do something another day.  You do not have to be my tour guide.  I'm sure that I can figure out how to entertain my kid for a few hours," Brian said, realizing that he was actually looking forward to hanging out with Justin and Gus and doing something besides attending an AA meeting, but was feeling guilty that he was keeping Justin from his life.

"Brian, I told you that I want to help you learn about yourself and exploring the city is a part of that.  My meeting will be done by 11:00. We can talk about where to meet and what to do tomorrow afternoon after the AA meeting.  You still coming to that, right?"

"Yeah, I'll be there.  I learn something new every time I attend and I still feel I need to have that structure AA provides,"  Brian said.

"Congratulations on the legal stuff.  I know that it was really important for you to safeguard your access to your son.  Your life is already changing. See you tomorrow, Brian," Justin said and clicked the end button on his phone.   He liked Brian and really wanted to help him figure out who the real Brian was. He texted his agent and told her he would meet her at 9:00.  He should have an hour and a half to talk with her before he needed to meet Brian.   

After looking at the mail, Brian took a shower and got ready for bed.  He knew he'd have a busy day tomorrow, but in the past, that didn't prohibit him from hitting the bars on Thursdays.  He made a mental note to ask Ted to locate a clinic where he could take Gus on Saturday. Closing his eyes he fell asleep.

As Brian walked into Kinnetik in the morning, he hoped Ted would be in his office.  He had purposefully chosen not to go to the diner since he didn't want to run into Michael.  He was saddened by the thought that he was actively avoiding him, but at this point in his life, he was not willing to argue or debate with Michael the merits of joining him at Babylon.  He recognized that he would have to share his attendance at AA with the rest of the gang, but decided he wouldn't do that until he got the results back on Gus' DNA test. He had no fear that Gus was his son as he looked just like a miniature Brian, but having the science behind his legal claim would make it ironclad.  

He passed by Ted's office and saw him reading the Pittsburgh Business Times. Ted always liked to read about local business and Brian was pleased with his continued interest in growing their business.  He knocked lightly on the door and Ted looked up from his reading, motioning for him to come in.

"Bri, sit down.  Everything okay? I was surprised to get your text last night, especially after our conversation yesterday." Ted put down the journal and picked up his mug of coffee.  He'd become a coffee snob after working at Kinnetik for six months. Up to that point, he would drink any coffee that was around, but since Brian always wanted the best of everything, he had the best coffee in the breakroom.  Ted had quickly become a discerning coffee drinker and as he took a sip of the hot brew, he inhaled the rich aroma, adding to the experience.  

"Everything is fine.  At the AA meeting last night the topic of discussion was sexuality.  I had an ah ha moment and realized that sex was just another way for me to avoid figuring out who I am,"  Brian said, surprised at his words. "I didn't really come in here to talk about my sex life, but there were some comments last night that really hit home."

Ted's curiosity had really been piqued but he knew better than to grill Brian.  If Brian wanted to elaborate, he would.

"I have a reputation of being ‘Stud of Liberty Avenue' but I haven't been to the bars in over a month.  In fact, I haven't really picked up many tricks in that time either," Brian said, admitting to his friend that he was changing.  Brian momentarily stopped short as he realized he was sharing information that nobody else in their little family knew about. He quickly realized that he really wanted Ted's take on the situation.  

Ted waited patiently for Brian to continue.  He knew Brian, or at least the old Brian, and didn't want to push him.  He understood that Brian was not one to share a lot of personal information and sometimes when he did, he back-pedaled the statements. 

"No comment?" Brian asked, realizing that he expected Ted to talk to him.

"Wasn't sure you wanted one."

"Ted, everything I do, I do because I want to.  I wouldn't have mentioned it unless I wanted to talk about it," Brian said.

"Brian, did you just hear yourself?  You volunteered to talk to me about something that wasn't business.  You really are changing." Ted picked up his coffee mug and took another sip of the delicious drink.  He waited for Brian to threaten his job if he ever told anyone about the conversation, but Brian just smiled a slight grin.

"Okay, I haven't grown a twat, so don't go there, but I'm beginning to see that there is some merit in talking about things other than who would I rather sleep with ‘Barney Rubble or Fred Flinstone'," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

"I know you are more than idle banter, it's just that you hide behind that ‘Stud persona'," Ted said. "I've known you for about a dozen years and the only place that I see a glint of the other Brian Kinney is when you are hanging out with Gus."  

"I'm not going to talk about sex and sleeping with guys when my son is around.  Sure, I want him to have a masculine influence, but Lindsay would have my balls if I paraded a bunch of tricks in face."  Brian frowned at the mention of Lindsay, thinking of the arguments and fighting that was sure to occur when he dropped his multiple bombshells on her and her she-devil wife.

"The meeting last night got you thinking about sex?" Ted asked, trying to be sure they were talking about the same subject.

"Actually, the leader started it off saying that they were going to discuss intimacy.  Said sex wasn't being intimate and that intimacy was sharing your body with somebody you really cared about,"  Brian said, in a tone that sounded as if he was delivering a lecture topic in a class, rather than conversation material.

"And how did you take that statement?" Ted asked, thinking that he knew the answer, but it was never a good idea to assume anything.

"I told him that gay men trick and that sex is different for us."

"I see."  Ted brought his hands together, intermingling the fingers and touching the forefingers together.  He pivoted them back and forth several times, but was quiet, waiting for Brian to continue.

"Yeah. Well, I was called out for that statment, by a Lesbian, no less.  She said that she gets what I'm saying, but that sex wasn't intimacy. She called me on my own behavior, asking me if I was tricking now."  Brian was loosening up a little in the retelling of the conversation. He leaned forward and bit his bottom lip a bit. He wasn't nervous as evidenced by his lack of hair playing.  Ted recognized when Brian was nervous as he often ran his fingers through his hair, but Brian's hands were nowhere near his hair and he was talking calmly.

"So you aren't tricking?  I knew you weren't at Babylon or Woody's since you wanted to stay away from the booze, but I thought you'd be tricking other places," Ted said, surprised at Brian's confession.

"Me too.  Surprised the hell out of me when she asked if I was tricking and I had to think about the last time I picked up someone."

"Okay, you're not tricking, but you told me that you wanted to go to Babylon so you could pick up guys?  I'm a little confused Brian," Ted said, trying to follow the conversation. Ted's intercom buzzed and Brian nodded for him to answer.  

"... John Collier is on the phone.  Do you want me to put him through?" Cynthia asked.

Ted looked at Brian for direction and Brian shook his head no.  Ted understood that Brian was open right now and if he stopped, Brian might stop talking.  Since Brian voluntarily came to his office, he wanted to finish the conversation.

"Take a message.  I'm in with Brian," Ted said as he released the button on the intercom.

"Me too.  I'm confused.  I thought I wanted to go to Babylon and Woody's so I could pick up tricks.  I figured with you and Emmett there, as well as my sponsor, I would stay away from temptation and not drink.  I could indulge my libido safely. But when I went to the meeting and admitted that I really haven't been tricking, I realized that I was fooling myself.  I wasn't seeking Babylon or Woody's for sex."

"You texted us last night when you realized that you were going for the wrong reasons," Ted said, hoping that he was interpreting Brian's statements correctly.  "I understand why you didn't want to go last night. Brian, you're finally trying to figure out who Brian Kinney is. Sure, you are notorious on the Avenue for being the Stud that everyone wants to boast about being with, but it seems that you are realizing that you are more than just a sex machine."

"Something like that.  But also because I'm beginning to realize that maybe sex was just as much an addiction as the booze.  I'm not sure about that," Brian said.

"Bri, you don't have to figure everything out in a day or a month.  Intimacy and sex are very different and you can have both with the same person," Ted said.  He thought about his own sex life and how, depending on thier moods, he and his partner enjoyed sex or intimacy.

"My sponsor said something similar.  He wants to help me figure out who the real Brian Kinney is.  May the real Brian Kinney stand up," Brian said tongue in cheek, as he quoted the old tv show "To tell the Truth '' and stood up.  

Ted laughed at the reference.  "I remember that show. It was always fun to watch."  Ted motioned for Brian to return to his seat and Brian did.  "So the real Brian Kinney,huh. That would be a real challenge, especially since I don't think anyone really knows the real Brian Kinney."

"Justin said that I need to figure out who I am and what I like to do besides have sex and go to the bars.  He said that if I don't figure that out, I probably will go back to my famiiar ways of drinking and sex."

"Sounds like a smart guy.  I look forward to meeting him.  I must say that I was a little disappointed last night when you texted.  I was looking forward to meeting the man who would tackle keeping Brian Kinney away from the booze at Babylon or Woody's."  Ted finished the last of his coffee and looked into the cup, the sadness evident on his face.  

"He and I are going to tour the city.  He offered his services as a tour guide.  He is meeting Gus and I later tomorrow for our first adventure."

"Oh," Ted said a little surprised.

"Justin said that it is pretty common to do things socially with other AA members and that often people have to make new friends, since their old friends were the ones they got drunk with. Since I see you guys all the time and not just at the bar, he was willing to go to Babylon with me."

Ted refrained from commenting, just filing the information in his head.  Brian was spouting thoughts and opinions of another person and that was novel enough.  He wondered if Brian was even aware of the changes he was making in his relationships.

"What are you doing with Gus this weekend?" Ted asked, realizing that Brian was getting fidgety in his chair and would most likely end the conversation very shortly.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot.  I got the initial contract from the lawyer regarding my rights and she wants me to take Gus for a DNA test.  Can you find out where I can do that on a Saturday?"

"Sure thing Bri.  Anything else?"

"No.  I think your boss will get upset if you don't get some work done.  After all, he pays you to be an accountant, not to talk to people about their lives," Brian said, tongue in cheek.  He stood up and reached out his hand to Ted, shaking it.  

Brian walked toward the break room to fix himself some coffee.  The coffee in Ted's office had reminded him that he hadn't had any this morning.  As he was pouring his coffee and placing the sugar in the mug, he thought of Justin and his endless teasing about his sugar drink.  Thinking of Justin made him smile. He realized that he enjoyed his company and his conversations. That was a novel experience for him.  Maybe Justin was right and he was beginning to realize who the real Brian Kinney was.

Brian took his mug to his office and sat in his chair, hitting the button to boot up his computer.  As he waited for it to open, his phone rang and the caller ID identified the caller as Lindsay.  

"Hello Linds," Brian wanted to avoid chit chat with her as she could talk about the most trivial things and he had a business to run.

"Oh, Brian.  Glad I caught you.  When you pick up Gus tonight, can you bring your checkbook?  Gus needs some new soccer cleats and he has a field trip next week to the zoo. The school wants money for the bus."

"I'll buy his cleats and contact the school.  No need to make you the middleman, Linds," Brian said.

"Oh, Okay.  But really, I could take care of it.  That way you wouldn't have to take him shopping or drop the check off at school.  If you make the check to me, I'll just pay for them," Lindsay said, thinking on her feet.  She didn't want Brian to call the school and find out that there wasn't a field trip. 

"No, that's fine.  I have to go right by there on my way to an appointment this afternoon.  It's no problem," Brian said, realizing how Lindsay was trying to back-pedal her request.  He wondered if there really was a field trip, but he wasn't going to push her. He'd find out soon enough.  He did have to go right by the school on his way to the AA meeting.  

"Thanks.  I'll see you tonight," Lindsay said and hung up.  Turning toward Melanie, she said, "Well that didn't turn out well.  He offered to take Gus shopping and he's going to drop off the money himself for the field trip.  I'll just have to tell him that I got the dates wrong. He'll figure out that I lied when he contacts the school.  What are we going to do about the money? I was counting on it."

Melanie looked at Lindsay and said, "Well, that's typical Brian Kinney.  We don't need his help. We can pay for a field trip."

"But there isn't a field trip, Mel. I wanted the money to pay for the new curtains I ordered," Lindsay said.  She realized that Mel didn't know about the curtains either.

"Curtains!  What the fuck, Lindsay?  We agreed that... I don't need Brian's money so that you can go buy fucking curtains!  It's bad enough that you constantly ask him for money. I can fucking support Gus and buy you fucking curtains.  Well, fuck, never mind. I've got to go work!. We'll talk about the curtains later," Mel said.  

Brian hung up the phone and smiled.  He was fairly certain that Gus did not need new soccer gear, especially since he had just purchased some for him a few weeks back and he would bet that there was no field trip.  And so it had begun. He was actually looking forward to seeing Lindsay's face when he confronted her about the fake field trip.

His intercom buzzed and he answered it.  "Yes," he said.

"Mark Slater is here for his 9:00.  I took him to the conference room," Cynthia said.

"I'll be right there."

Brian grabbed his mug and walked to the conference room to truly start his day.

TBC

Brian's morning was busy, but he knew he had to leave for the meeting by 11:30.  Each meeting he attended was unique. He had no idea that there was so much to learn about addiction.  Previous to his wrapping his car around a tree and realizing that he needed to change, it never occurred to him that AA might actually be something he would look forward to attending.  

Ted knocked on Brian's door about 11:00 and Brian waved him in.  Ted handed him a sheet of paper with a list of companies and their addresses.  "Here is the list of places you can get Gus' DNA test done. There are a number of them throughout the city and a few are open on Saturdays.The fastest labs are down on Fleet Street and they are open from 9:00-5:00 on Saturday, but charge extra. You do have to make an appointment.  DNA Paternity is also down on Fleet Street but, they require an appointment, so you have to know when you're going to go. They don't charge extra for Saturdays and are open till 3:00."

Brian took the sheet and saw that Ted had made an Excel spreadsheet of the information.  "I see the accountant in you comes through. You even make spreadsheets for this," Brian said tongue in cheek.  "Thanks. I'll look it over and take Gus somewhere. I'll ask Justin where his agent is located. Maybe we'll get lucky and find a place nearby,"  Brian said.  

Ted noticed the half smile on Brian's face.  In the twelve years that he'd known Brian, he rarely saw that expression.  He wasn't sure if it was due to Justin, or spending time with Gus. 

"I'm headed out.  Lindsay gave me some story about needing money for a field trip for Gus.  I told her I would stop at the school and pay for it so she didn't have to be the middleman.  By her tone of voice, I highly doubt that there is actually a field trip. It appears that the fun has begun," Brian said half with resignation and half with delight.

"I'll see you when you get back.  I'd like to go over the projections for next quarter," Ted said.  He had deduced that Lindsay used Brian's money to supplement her own income, but since it never appeared to bother Brian, he never brought it up.  Now that Brian was seeking more involvement with Gus, he was pleased that her abuse was coming to light. Even though he was happy about the potential showdown, he hoped Brian wouldn't pay the price for his actions.  Brian was dealing with legal issues, his sobriety, and qustioning his relationship with his oldest friend. Having too many areas in your life in upheaval did not bode well for success in any of them.

Brian nodded his agreement and picked up the sheet to review it.  Even though he was going to see Justin in less than an hour, he called him.  

"Hello, Brian.  What's up?" Justin answered when he saw the caller id.

"Where is your agent's office?  I got the list of places for DNA testing and most of them require appointments.  I figured to save everybody time, I would schedule something nearby so none of us is spending the day in the car,"  Brian said.

"I meet her on Zoom.  Her office is in New York and I go there a few times a year to meet in person.  I'm pretty flexible. Our meetings are usually in the morning so both of us have the day to do whatever.  I can meet up with you wherever you want. Speaking of meetings, if I don't leave now, I won't make it to AA,"  Justin said and hit the end button on his phone.  

He looked once more at his screen and saved the latest upload of his work before hitting send.  Carol, his agent, had wanted to see his latest pieces for his upcoming show. He had finished photographing them yesterday and was uploading them to his website with the requisite watermark.  Technology was great for eliminating the need to be in the same city, and it helped Carol sell and promote his work in a number of places. However, the need to spend time documenting his work and safeguarding it as intellectual property was time consuming.  He was just happy that he had become well known enough to have an agent who did the legwork and took care of the contracts, leaving him time to create.

Brian looked at his phone and smiled at his actions.  Being in the advertising field, he should have known that it was unlikely that Justin and his agent were in the same city.  So much of his business was conducted via phone or video conference. Gone were the days that companies only served their local community.  While technology had changed the way of doing business, there was still the need for local tests, like DNA. So now he just needed to decide where he wanted to take Gus.  His phone beeped, notifying him that he needed to leave for his meeting. He placed the sheet on his desk and left for the meeting. On the way out, he told Cynthia he'd be gone for several hours.

Brian arrived at the meeting a few minutes before noon and hurried into the room. Quickly, he spotted Justin and sat down.  He felt a little reminiscent of grade school where your best friend would save you a seat at assembly. The difference, of course, was huge.  They weren't in elementary school and this wasn't an assembly. He thought a brief moment about friendships and realized with a start that Justin was becoming a friend.  This surprised him as he really hadn't put much thought into what he would be getting out of AA meetings except sobriety.  

The speaker started the meeting with the usual request to welcome anyone new, but no one raised their hand.  Brian often looked back at that first meeting and wondered what pushed him to attend. It was so unlike him to do anything that even remotely looked social in nature, except hanging out at Babylon.  But Babylon was different, as that was where he picked up tricks and ruled the club. As the speaker started talking, he stopped the hamsters from running on their proverbial wheel and tuned in to the discussion.

"Hello.  My name is Peter and I'm going to talk today about letting go.  What is letting go? It is the ability to let go of the hurt, anger and fear that we experienced.  These feelings made us feel powerless and drinking made us feel in control. We could control our drinking, no one could tell us what to do when we drank.  But we didn't understand that in reality it was the other way around. When we drank, we lost control of our lives as alcohol altered our perception."

Peter looked around the group, pausing for the participants to take in the beginning of his message.  He found that a pregnant pause was very effective in getting the group to focus and to start their daily journey.  

"We have to learn that we will get hurt, get angry and at times be fearful, but we also must learn that we are strong and can handle these feelings without turning to alcohol.  Alcohol is a way for us to dismiss the feelings and not deal with them. We have to stop feeling that we have to run from our discomfort."

A young woman wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt sat across from Peter.  Her long brown hair was pulled into a pony tale and she wore some lipstick and earrings.  She looked to be in her late 20's or early 30's but Brian was not that good guessing ages of women.  He just knew when chicken approached him and he knew he wasn't into young boys. 

"I'm Samantha and I've been clean for 6 months.  I was a foster kid, bumping around from family to family.  It got to me at times, thinking that I wasn't good enough for anyone to want me as their kid. I turned to alcohol as it didn't have an opinion."

Brian nodded in understanding and commiseration.  "I'm Brian. I know my family didn't want me; I was told that I should have been aborted too many times to count. I learned early on that I shouldn't have lived."

"You had a rough childhood, but how did you start drinking?"  Peter asked, wanting Brian to dig a little deeper into his drinking.

"My dad was a drunk and so was my mom.  They were great role models," he said, the sarcasm in his voice evident, even to the most casual observer.  "We didn't talk in our house and there weren't celebrations or happy times. I learned early on that when you had a problem, you drank," Brian said, putting into words something he'd always felt but never spoke about.

"Drinking has always been your way of dealing with difficult situations?" Samantha asked.  

"Yeah," Brian said. He thought about the conversation from a few days ago about intimacy and sex and how he was beginning to realize that maybe he used sex as a way to deal with difficult situations too.  He wasn't going to add that little tidbit as he was still working through the idea.

"You're not drinking now, what are you doing to deal with difficult stuff?" Samantha asked.

Brian didn't know how the spotlight had turned on him, but he was comfortable enough in the group, he decided to answer.  "I go to meetings and I talk to my sponsor. Every meeting I attend gives me more to think about. I can't tell you how many hamsters are living in my head, but I think they keep multiplying every day," Brian said, somewhat tongue in cheek.

That brought laughter from several members of the group. Justin was happy that Brian was volunteering to share more, but he felt that Brian might stop sharing; therefore, he decided to add to the discussion.

"I'm Justin.  I turned to alcohol when my dad threw me out of the house.  Like you said, the alcohol didn't judge me."  

"I was the class clown, constantly getting into trouble at school.  I wore thick glasses and didn't have any friends. I started drinking as a freshman.  The alcohol didn't judge." Samantha added to her story. "I wasn't wanted at home and I made a name for myself at school as the class cut up."

"So the alcohol helped you hide?" Justin asked.

"Sure.  I guess.  I didn't have to feel unwanted or an outcast when I drank.  What about you? Did you feel better when you were drinking?"

"Probably not.  I just was feeling so much pain.  I couldn't face not having a family," Justin said.  He was quiet for a moment and then said, "But I realized that drinking didn't solve any problems.  It just created new ones. I didn't want to feel anything, but then when I was not drinking, the problems were still there, so I drank again."

"A vicious circle," Peter said.

"I don't really remember my first drink.  I had a really shitty childhood. I don't think I drank to escape it, but I think when I drank I didn't have to think about whether my life was good or bad," Brian said.  

Justin was pleased and surprised that Brian had spoken.  Evidently their talks were helping him become more comfortable with his sobriety journey.

"So you were still hiding in the bottle, just didn't realize it?"  A young woman asked. "My name is Vickie." She wore a pair of blue dress slacks and a white blouse with small buttons down the front.  She wore more makeup than Samantha and looked like she worked in an office. Her blonde hair was cut and there were highlights in it.  

"I guess.  I don't think I thought too much about my life until I started attending AA.  I went to work, the gym and to the bars where I picked up a few men each night.  I wouldn't necessarily get drunk every night, but there were plenty of nights that I did," Brian said.  

"So, the bars were your escape?" Vickie asked.

"I wouldn't call it escape exactly, just that was my life.  I'm working on figuring out what I want my life to be. Now that I'm sober, I have to start from scratch.  Recognizing my feelings and acting on them is not something I've ever done," Brian said. 

"Now that you're sober, you aren't sure what to do with your life.  You don't go to the bars every night, so you're faced with having to face waht your actual life is," Samantha said.  

"Well, I have a very well respected company, so I'm not concerned about who I am professionally. But my friends think of me in context of the bars and my drinking.  I'm not that person anymore," Brian said, thinking about Michael's phone call last night. He was surprised that Mikey hadn't called this morning.  

"Many times we have to find new friends when we get sober.  This is really common when our friends were the people we got drunk with," Peter said.  "Have you tried to distance yourself from the friends you drank with? Oftentimes, there is a push from them for you to join them and they hound you when you say no."

"I've told a few of my friends, but not all of them know that I'm not drinking anymore.  I hang out with my friends at other places besides the bars," Brian said, defending his friendships to the group.  He listened to his words and wondered why he was trying to convince them that his friends were people who did other things than drink.  He'd told Ted and Emmett, but no one else. He realized that they were the friends who would accept his abstinence, as evidenced by Michael's continual whining that he hadn't been to the bars.  Michael harassed him when he didn't come to the bars and couldn't seem to accept when Brian said he wouldn't be there.  

"Our time is almost up today, but Brian I would encourage you to think about why you haven't told all your friends about your sobriety journey," Peter said.  "Thank you for coming and sharing yourselves. As always, coffee is in the back and we have the room until 1:30."

Justin followed Brian to the back of the room and poured himself a cup of coffee.  "I know the coffee is for shit and you have to get back to work, but I wanted to tell you that I was really proud of you when you spoke up in group today.  You are starting to see things for yourself without me pushing you."

Brian listened to Justin's praise and realized that he was pleased that Justin was proud of him.  He really hadn't thought about it, but he rarely if ever was told that someone was proud of him. People told him he was a brilliant ad man and had amazing ideas for his campaigns.  Occasionally he was told he was a good father, but that was usually from Gus or Ted, never from Gus' moms. Deb told him he was a good friend to Michael, but he really wondered if that were really true.  

"Yeah, I do have to get back to work.  I really try not to work when I have Gus.  I don't see him all the time and I don't want him to feel that I don't want to be with him or that my work is more important than he is.  I'm going to take him to get the DNA test in the morning and then I'll call. Good luck with your agent tomorrow," Brian said as he walked toward the door.

He reviewed the meeting in his head.  Letting go for him was complicated. Not only did he have to give up ignoring his feelings by drinking, he had to figure out what he actually was feeling.  He'd hidden in a bottle for so long, he was beginning to realize that he needed to figure out who he really was. He was counting on Justin to introduce him to the sites and sounds of Pittsburgh and maybe, if he was lucky, he would start to figure out what he wanted from life besides being a successful businessman.  He already knew he was a great ad man, and he'd been told he was a good father. He questioned how good a father he could be when he only saw Gus a few hours a week, but he was working toward changing that. He knew how to be successful in one part of his life, but he was actually rather clueless how to live the other waking hours.  

TBC

Brian left the meeting and drove to Gus' school.  Gus attended a private school that Brian paid for, wanting the best for his "Sonny Boy".  While the public schools were okay in their area, Brian wanted his son to have the best possible education. Since Brian had been a child who grew up in a home where no one seemed to care about him or his studies, Brian knew how important it was to ask Gus about school and encourage him to excel in any area that he was interested in.  

Gus seemed to like sports, just like Brian had as a child.  Brian thought for a minute about getting involved in some type of adult soccer and the thought of kicking the ball around a field sent a shiver of excitement through his body.  He added that to his mental to-do list; finding out if there was a place to play soccer for adults. 

 
Lindsay had frequently remarked on what a good student he was and that his grades were always excellent.  She had said he really liked science and hoped he would study to be some kind of scientist.  Brian honestly didn't think that Gus would like being a scientist as he was very gregarious and his view of scientists was that of people who were loners.  It didn't matter to Brian what Gus did as an adult, just that he was happy.  At this point, Gus was 10 and he had a while to think about his future.

There was a large yard banner on the school touting the upcoming spring "Iron Chef" fundraiser.  Lindsay had told him about the event. Evidently, there were a lot of kids who liked to cook and there were teams.  He remembered listening half-heartedly to the explanation, but she rambled on for at least 15 minutes about how she was soliciting Emmett's help to come up with a unique dish.  The sign reminded him that he wanted to talk to Emmett about last night's aborted visit to Babylon.  

After giving his name to the guard at the edge of the parking lot, Brian parked his car and went inside.  At the entrance to the school, he had to push a button to gain entrance to the building.  A part of him felt like he was entering a secure prison or lockdown facility rather than an elementary school.  

While he was not one to spend hours looking at the news and analyzing various actions of local politicians, he did keep abreast of most news in the area.  Since information was a part of his business he needed to be able to talk coherently about things that were occurring in his community.  It was a bad idea to bring up his views on any particular news items, but he needed to keep his pulse on what was going on.  Advertising was targeted to people's beliefs and he needed to know what people were thinking.  Therefore, he understood why schools had invested in such extreme security measures.  There had been too many instances of violence occurring at schools and the communities felt these measures would secure their children.  Still, he cringed as he was buzzed into the building and greeted by a person seated at a table by the entrance.

"Good afternoon.  I'll need you to fill out a name badge," the woman said as she pointed to a small stack of sticky-backed name badges.  

Brian's thoughts of being in a prison or secure facility were confirmed, but he complied as he wanted to speak to someone in charge.  He picked up a pen from the table and filled out the badge, sticking it on his suit coat as he silently hoped the sticky residue would not ruin his Armani blazer.  Armani was not meant to have stickers applied to its lapels.  

The woman appeared to be in her 40's, wearing a lightweight red sweater cardigan over a white button-down blouse.  She wore no makeup except lipstick and the bags under her eyes made her look very tired.  Brian was always a good observer of people and he reasoned that she was not happy with her placement at the door.  She smiled at him with a smile that didn't quite reach her cheeks, giving her a look of feigned interest.  

"What can I do for you, Mr. Kinney?" she said as she read his name tag.

"I'd like to talk to the principal," Brian said, deciding that going to the top administrator would get him the quickest answer.

The woman nodded and said, "Go down this hallway, and on the third door to your right is the principal's office."  She pointed to the hallway to her right and wrote down Brian's name and destination in her visitor's log.  

Brian followed the directions and walked into the office where another woman sat behind a wooden desk.  Brian looked around the room which was filled with bright colored posters touting various messages about how awesome students were and how much a principal cared for the student. He automatically thought of ways to improve the posters and the message, but inwardly laughed at his tendency to alter advertising even in this mundane setting.  

"May I help you, Sir?"  the red headed woman asked.  

Brian cringed when someone called him sir but accepted it in this instance; they were deferring to him rather than being derogatory or referring to his age.  He imagined they greeted all visitors like that, hoping to make a good impression on the public, as well as the parents. 

"Yes, I'd like to talk to the principal,"  Brian said.

"Your name?"  the woman asked as she grabbed her pen to write the information down.
"Brian Kinney.  I am Gus Peterson's father."

The woman clicked on a tab on her computer screen, verifying that there was a student by that name who attended the school.  It was amazing to her that there were people who showed up at the school whose children did not attend.  She could not imagine a parent not knowing where their child attended school, but understood that there were many noncustodial parents and assumed that they often did not keep track of those types of things.  She found Gus's information easily and noted that Brian was listed as an emergency contact but he was not listed as the father.  She read that Melanie and Lindsay were listed as parents.  While there were children who had two same-sex parents who attended the school, it was still novel. She wondered how that worked, having two same-sex parents and a third parent of the opposite sex.  She wouldn't ask, but it was always something she wondered.  She hit print so she could provide the principal with the information about Gus which included his current grades as well as contact information.  

"I'll let Mr. Calbright know you are here. Have a seat and he will see you soon."  She got up from her desk, grabbing the papers and knocked on the door that had bold black letters on it with his name. 

 
After hearing a "come in", the woman went into the office, handed the principal the papers and stated that Mr. Kinney would like to speak to him.  Mr. Calbright reviewed the papers and said, "Tell him I'll be right out."  He finished writing an email to the superintendent and then went out to greet Brian.

"Mr. Kinney, come in," he said as he reached out his hand to shake Brian's hand.
Brian returned the handshake, noting that the principal's handshake was firm and short, sending a positive message.

Mr. Calbirght motioned to the beige chair in front of his desk.  "I apologize for the chairs.  The majority of the time it is students who sit in them.  What can I do for you today, Mr. Kinney."

"I'd like a list of all the field trips and other activities that my son Gus will be asked to participate in for the remainder of the year,"  Brian said.

"That is an unusual request.  I'm not sure we have a list like that."

Brian frowned.  "I see.  Is there a way that I can be notified of these events?  Gus lives with his mother, but I pay for the extras.  I'd like to be notified directly of any costs rather than have her be the middle person."

Mr. Calbright picked up the papers and reviewed Gus's information.  He saw that Gus did indeed live with his mothers but Brian was listed as an emergency contact.  Since Brian was listed as a person who was acceptable to be reached in an emergency, he didn't see any reason that his request could not be carried out.

  
"I think that can be arranged.  I will send his teachers a note regarding this issue.  I can't guarantee that his mothers will not receive a note as well, but I think adding you to the list shouldn't be an issue.  Is there anything else I can assist you with?"

"I'd like to know if there is a field trip scheduled in the next few weeks for Gus.  His mother stated there was and I'd like to pay for it now."

Mr. Calbright turned toward his computer screen and clicked on several tabs before opening a screen for the 5th-grade class that Gus attended.  He scrolled through the information and shook his head.

"No, I don't see any upcoming field trips, Mr. Kinney.  They are scheduled to go to an assembly at the end of next week, but that is here at school."

Brian nodded his head.  "Thank you.  I'll not take any more of your time."  Brian stood up and shook the principal's hand again, walking out toward the front of the school. 

 
As he walked to the entrance, the red-headed woman called out, "Mr. Kinney, if you want to give me your sticker I can sign you out and throw it away."

Brian walked to the desk, handing her his sticker and returning to his car.  As he walked to the car, he thought about how he wanted to confront Lindsay about her lie.  Glancing at the clock on the car dashboard, he was pleased to see the visit was relatively quick, having taken less than an hour.  However, it was already 2:00 and he had a few things to do before he went to pick up Gus for the weekend. 

He drove to Kinnetik as he thought about his conversation with the principal.  Lindsay was officially caught in a lie and he had no doubt that this one was just the tip of the iceberg.  He was glad that he had already spoken to a lawyer and put in motion legal protections for his rights.  He really didn't have to wonder how Lindsay would react as evidenced by her reaction earlier today when he offered to drop off the money himself.  

Arriving at Kinnetik, he realized that he only had about 3 hours to accomplish his projects.  Looking at his to do list, he chose a few pressing projects and started working on those.  He asked Cynthia not to be disturbed.  He opened up a file on his computer and worked on the campaign for Brown Athletics as they were coming up for renewal and he had some minor tweaks to add to the boards.  He'd set his phone to ding, reminding him that he needed to leave in time to pick up Gus.  When it dinged, he sighed, slightly unhappy that he'd not completed more of his work.  Saving and closing down his files, he gathered his briefcase and put a few files inside.  He could always work after Gus was in bed.  Stopping at Ted's office before he left, he asked for the information on the labs and Ted handed him a printout of the information.

Brian went to his car, threw his briefcase in the backseat and drove toward home.  He needed to change before picking up Gus, and he preferred to wear jeans when he wasn't working.  He grabbed a quick shower when he got home, dressed, and drove to the girl's home.  As he drove up, Gus opened the door and waved with both arms.  

"Dad, what are we going to do this weekend?  Can we go to the park or the zoo?  They canceled recess the last two days because it was raining and I really want to do something outside.  Can we go to the diner and see Debbie for dinner?  I want a big vanilla milkshake and a cheeseburger.  Also, can we go see the new "Lego Movie"? My friend, Tommy, saw it and said it was awesome.  Can we play XBox?  I need to see if I can beat you on the new Zombie game," Gus said, bombarding Brian with too many questions. 

Brian hugged Gus and walked inside.  Lindsay was cleaning the dining room table, averting her eyes away from Brian.  Brian briefly debated if he should bring up the "field trip" but decided to leave it for now.  He knew she would fight him when he pushed for his legal rights and started limiting her funds.  He wanted to keep his plans to himself for the moment; realizing that she would protest and bombard him with endless phone calls once she realized that the open purse strings were tied shut.  

"Let's grab your bag.  Do you have any homework to do?"  Brian said.  He watched Lindsay clean, pretending to be oblivious of his presence. She repeatedly rubbed at a spot on the table, doing her best Macbeth imitation. 

"No.  I did it at school.  Since we didn't have recess, I worked on my homework.  I figured that doing it at school would mean that I could spend all weekend doing stuff with you," Gus said as he smiled at his father.

Brian was so pleased that Gus wanted to spend the time with him.  He never would have chosen to spend time with his parents, but his parents would not have been interested in spending time with him regardless.  

Brian yelled out to Lindsay, "See you Saturday afternoon.  Don't rub the finish off the table."  He picked up Gus' backpack and they walked to Brian's car.  

"Let's head to the diner. I think Deb is working and I hear there is a tall milkshake waiting for you.  As for what we are doing this weekend.  I thought we'd go to the Incline.  Have you ever been there?"

Gus looked at Brian as he opened the car door.  "The Incline?  Isn't that the thing that goes up the mountain and you can see all of Pittsburgh?"  He got in the car and closed the door.

"Yes.  That is the Incline. What do you think?  I hear there is an awesome ice cream store nearby."  Brian said, trying to make the excursion even more enticing.

"Sure.  I just like hanging with you.  The moms are always busy with errands and meetings.  I sometimes wonder if they would rather I spend every weekend with you,"  Gus commented.

Gus' comment surprised Brian and he stopped himself from responding right away.  His first thought was that of course, Gus wouldn't want to do that, but he stopped himself, realizing that possibly Gus enjoyed their time together as much as he did.  

"Would you like to spend more time with me?" Brian asked, a little concerned about the answer, but realizing that if Gus didn't want that, he wasn't going to push him to do so.

"Sure.  Dad, you and I don't have to do anything special when we're together.  A lot of my friends spend weekends with their dads. My friends Caleb and Todd talk about their dads and how they are always doing a gazillion things with their dads.  Sort of like their dads don't want them to be bored."  Gus looked out the window recognizing some of the familiar landmarks, realizing they were close to the diner. 

"Caleb told me that he wishes his dad would just hang out with him and maybe play some video games.  I guess it's because his parents are divorced. Maybe, his dad feels bad for not always being there. Thankfully, you never married Mom, seeing how you like men," Gus said, tongue in cheek.

Brian smiled, acknowledging his influence on his son.  His remark definitely sounded like something that he would say. Brian had never tried to hide his sexuality from Gus; he just hoped that he had managed to hide his promiscuity.  Until recently, he always felt that what he did in private should not make a difference to anyone but him, and the man he was having sex with at that moment.  While he still believed that, he also was realizing that perhaps he had used sex to hide his feelings and escape from a lot of bad situations. He hoped his realizations were not too late to prevent Gus from following in those footsteps.  

"True.  I don't think Linds and I would have made a good couple," Brian said, agreeing with his son's statement.

"Did you ever consider marrying her?  I mean... I know you like guys and such... but well..."

"No, Gus.  I never thought of marrying Lindsay.  I like Lindsay.  I may even love her a little, but it is not a marriage kind of love.  She wanted me to be the father of her child so I agreed.  It was never supposed to be like this," Brian said as he waved his hand between the two of them.  "I was supposed to just provide the spunk and Mel and Linds were going to be the parents.  But then I saw you and I couldn't just walk away."  Brian smirked, a familiar smile on his face.  

‘So I was just so cute, you couldn't resist me?" Gus said, the playfulness in his voice.

"I don't know.  Mikey tried to talk me out of helping your mom.  In some ways, he saw that I wouldn't be able to walk away.  I thought I would help your moms and then that would be it,"  Brian said.  He'd never talked to Gus or really anyone about this topic, but somehow this seemed to be a perfect time.  He wanted Gus in his life even more than he was now, but he didn't want to force the issue.  He needed to know for himself that Gus wanted it too.

"So what made you change your mind?  I mean, come on Dad, you're not the typical father," Gus asked. He was enjoying the conversation.  While he loved Brian unconditionally, and he enjoyed every minute he spent with him, he'd always wondered about how his father became his Dad.  It wasn't like he was going to have this conversation with either of his moms.  His Dad was the basis for more than one fight between his moms.  

"I'm not 100% sure if it was any one thing.  Linds encouraged me to be a part of your life.  I mean, at first, she would invite me over to see you and as you got older she wanted me to play with you.  Mikey always balked when she did stuff like that, but maybe I was rebelling against Mikey,"  Brian said. 

Before the words were out of his mouth, he wondered where they came from.  Mikey was always telling everyone that he knew Brian better than anyone since he was his best friend.  When Mikey started telling him that he wouldn't want to hang out with Gus, he wondered if he did it just because Mikey told him he wouldn't want to.  Had he been pushing Mikey's opinion to the wayside for 10 years? He frowned at that thought.

"Dad, why are you frowning?  Is something wrong?"

Brian smiled.  "No, Gus.  Nothing is wrong.  I just am seeing things clearer than I used to."  Brian reached over to his son, ruffling his hair and grinning.  "But then there was your response.  Whenever I would come over, you would crawl right up to me and raise your hands to be picked up.  Later, when I would walk in the door, you would giggle and say "da"."  Brian remembered a particular day when Gus said "da" at least a half dozen times and each time he did, Mel would be furious that he was asking for him rather than one of his moms.   "I think your response to my presence did a lot to change my mind.  You didn't want anything from me and you were always happy to see me. It's pretty cool when someone lights up when you walk in the room."

"So I convinced you to be a part of my life?  That is so cool.  I mean most dads are kind of stuck, but you chose to be with me," Gus said, his smile almost bigger than his face.

"I guess you could put it that way.  But I will tell you that I've never regretted that decision.  As long as you want me around, I'll be here,"  Brian said as he pulled into the parking space by the diner.   "I think it's time for a very large milkshake.  What do you say to going in and ordering the largest vanilla shake that Deb has on the menu?"

"Great idea.  I love you Dad.  Thanks for being you," Gus said as he unbuckled his seatbelt.

"Love you too, Sonny Boy." He undid his seatbelt and a feeling of rightness washed over him.  His son wanted him in his life and was moving toward making sure that always happened.  
TBC    

Brian and Gus enjoyed their dinner at the diner.  Gus swallowed the last of his large milkshake, slurping down the thin layer of ice cream at the bottom.  Brian gave him a slight frown at the noise, but remembered doing the same thing when he was his age.  

"They have the best milkshakes.  Mom doesn't let me order milkshakes. She says there is too much sugar in them.  How come you let me have them?"

Brian ran his hand over his head, wanting to give Gus a reasonable answer.  He did not want to be put in the position of the father who just gives in to his son because he felt guilty for not being there. After attending at least 30 AA meetings, he had accepted that he wanted and needed to change his life and the first person he wanted to be truthful with was Gus.  But then he always had been truthful with Gus.  He'd never tried to be the super father that Gus had referred to in their earlier discussion. He always liked to give Gus the things that he asked for and didn't do it to earn his loyalty.

"A milkshake every now and then is fine, just not everyday.  Your moms are with you all the time and they want to be sure that you have good eating habits.  I'm sure they have something sweet every now and then," Brian said.  He actually agreed with Mel and Lindsay's decision to limit Gus' sweets as that was a sure way to being overweight.  It was bad enough that kids probably taunted him about having two moms; he didn't need another reason to have kids tease him. Brian always prided himself in keeping fit and the last thing he wanted was for his son to be overweight.

"I know we just talked about kids whose fathers indulge them when they are with them. An occasional milkshake is indulgence but you don't get one every time we're together," Brian said, hoping to  convince himself that he was not one of those fathers trying to buy his son's love and affection.      

"I know Dad.  The moms let me have one sometimes too."  Gus picked up his napkin and wiped the remnants of the shake from his mouth.  "So, Dad, what made you think of the Incline?  It doesn't seem like the kind of thing you would go in for,"  Gus asked.  

Brian quickly thought how one simple question would bring up a multitude of other questions for Gus.  Gus knew he drank, he'd seen him grab a beer at his soccer games. But, he had never seen him drunk or high.  He wouldn't put it past Melanie to say something in front of Gus about his drinking.  He understood the answer to that question would uncover a multitude of other topics:  his attendance at AA, his friendship with Justin, his new found quest to figure out who he was, and of course his rights when it came to Gus.  And he couldn't forget the DNA test that they were going to have done tomorrow before their trip to the Incline.       

Gus was smart and he didn't lie to him; however, this was not the place to have those discussions.The door to the diner opened as the bell announced a new customer.  

"Aunty Em, over here,"  Gus yelled out as he recognized the tall man who sashayed his way into the diner.  

Emmet made his way to the booth where Gus and Brian were sitting.  He motioned for Gus to scoot over so he could sit.

"Brian, good to see you.  I was worried when you cancelled Babylon last night,"  Emmett said, the look on his face showing his genuine concern.

"Nothing to worry about.    I was going to call you later.  Gus and I are headed to the Loft to hang out.  If you'd like to come over before you head to Babylon, you're welcome to stop by," Brian offered.  As soon as he said the words, he realized how unnatural they sounded,  He never asked people to "stop by".  That was not in Brian Kinney's vocabulary.  But then he realized that he really did want to talk to Emmett.  He was the only other person, besides Ted, who knew his secret, and while Brian Kinney did not like to owe anybody any favors; he did feel that he owed Emmett an explanation.  Emmett had kept his secret and he was grateful for his discretion.  It would have been so easy to spread the news of Brian's accident and subsequent AA attendance, but Emmett had not done that.  He had kept Brian's news to himself.

Emmett smiled, his big toothy grin taking up most of his face.  

"Aunty Emm, you can come over now.  We're going to play XBox.  I bet I can beat my Dad.  Have you ever played?  You could play the winner," Gus said, his enthusiasm bubbling over at the prospect of having another adult to win over to his favorite video game.

Emmett fanned himself with the menu he was holding, pretending to need to cool off. "Don't you think you should ask your dad before you go inviting people to his house?"  While Emmett liked Gus, he didn't think Brian would like him honing in on their visit.  He was still surprised that Brian had offered to have him come over before he went out.  If he didn't know better, he'd think that the world was actually coming apart.  

Gus turned to Brian, "Dad, can Aunty Em come over and play XBox?"  

Brian said, "If Emmett wants to play XBox, he is welcome to join us.  Somehow I don't see Emmett playing video games."  Brian raised his eyebrows in a questioning look.

"Well no, Gus, I'm not a video game player.  That would be your Uncle Mickey. But I can whip up a pizza dish for dinner.  How about that?"

"Emmett, 10 year old boys love pizza almost as much as they love video games," Brian said.  

"I may not play video games, but I know the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Emmett said, his toothy grin shining through.  "I'll go to the store and pick up the ingredients.  I'm sure your dad doesn't have any of the ingredients to make good pizza,"  Emmett said and winked at Brian.  Everyone knew that Brian did not cook and that any food you ate in his home was most likely from a take out or drive through restaurant.  The fact that Brian had agreed to him making pizza for them said a lot to anyone who knew him.

Debbie had left the bill on their table a few minutes before Emmett showed up. Brian picked it up and glanced at it, even though he knew the total was less than $5.00.  He left a $5.00 tip and motioned for Gus to stand up so they could leave.  They walked to the counter and Brian paid the bill.  

"I'll see you guys on Sunday for dinner.  Have a great night with your dad, Gus.  I bet you'll whoop him on the XBox," Debbie said, having overheard their conversation.

Brian was glad that he had not started the discussion with Emmett at the diner.  He knew better than to think that anything said there would be private.  Still he was a little taken aback that he had invited Emmett to come over to visit.  Maybe, the real Brian Kinney was starting to show his colors.  

Gus and Brian went to the loft.  Brian checked his mailbox as they entered the building and he saw there was another envelope from the lawyer.  He wondered what that could be since he had already received a copy of the contract.  He made a mental note to look at it after Gus went to bed. The letter reminded him that he had to talk to Gus about the DNA test tomorrow.  After their discussion earlier, he didn't think Gus would balk at the idea.  

Gus immediately went to the cabinet where the XBox was held and set it up.  "Come on Dad.  We gotta get a few games in before Aunty Em gets here with the pizza stuff.  I love to watch him in the kitchen.  It's so different than when Mom cooks," Gus said, waving his hand toward his father's high end kitchen.

"What do you mean?"

"Mom is always looking through these cookbooks and then she spends forever in the kitchen making some fancy chicken.  When we sit down to eat it, she goes on and on about the amount of time it took her to cook the stuff and how this or that is supposed to bring out the flavor of the chicken."  Gus put his hand to his mouth, mimicking Lindsay.  "It's like she is trying to impress us with her cooking.  But honestly Dad, it's just chicken."

Brian smiled at Gus' tale of Lindsay in the kitchen and he seemed to remember a few times when she insisted on cooking for him.  There was one time when Gus was little that she invited him over telling him she had found some great recipe with 100 cloves or some such nonsense.  If he remembered correctly, the chicken reminded him of a trip he'd made to a Hookah shop.  Who knew that 100 cloves would smell like that?  He could actually envision Lindsay spending hours looking for a recipe so she could impress her family and then after hours in the kitchen, the result being ordinary.  There was a reason he didn't cook.  It took too much time and the food he ordered in a restaurant was way better than anything he could make himself.  Besides, he had better things to do then spend hours looking in recipe books or cooking.  

The idea of better things to do brought him up short.  What did he do with his time?  He wasn't committed to any activity these days except attending AA meetings and working.  Of course, he still went to the gym regularly or ran on his treadmill and he still saw Gus each week.  But besides those activities, he did actually have a lot of free time, especially since he wasn't tricking and hanging out at the bars.  Justin was right, as usual.  He needed to figure out who the real Brian Kinney was.  He was no longer using alcohol and sex to fill his nights and free time.  If this journey was going to be successful, he was going to have to figure out what he liked to do.  

"Dad, you okay?" Gus asked, seeing the unfamiliar pensive look on his father's face. This was the second time he'd seen the look today.  He just knew that there was something going on.

Brian walked over to the couch and sat down, turning toward Gus.  "Yeah, I'm fine, but I want to talk to you for a minute,"  Brian said, deciding that he wanted to talk now. He wanted to talk to Emmett and if Gus knew what was going on, he could do it when Emmett came over versus later after Gus went to bed.  

"You're scaring me Dad.  I know you aren't going to tell me that you and mom are getting a divorce, since you aren't married.  Tommy said that his dad had been acting really weird for a few weeks before they sat him down and told him they were getting a divorce.  But since you're not married, that can't be it," Gus said, rattling off the tale of his best friend's family.  Gus put down the controller to the XBox, sensing that it might be a bit before they were going to play.

Brian ran his hand over his face a few times and took a deep breath as he wished that he had a beer in his hand before he started this conversation.  He thought that having a beer in his hand to make it easier to have the conversation was exactly what the leader at the last AA meeting was talking about.  He had to "let go" of his fear and accept that some conversations were going to be difficult.  Life was not meant to be led through the fog of inebriation.  People were meant to feel the highs and lows without liquid courage.  

"Gus, I love you, more than I ever thought was possible, and actually you are why I'm having this conversation," Brian said as he let his thoughts and feelings take free reign of the conversation.  

"Sure Dad.  I love you too.  Didn't we just have this conversation in the car?"

"Sort of, but there is more to it."  Brian quickly tried to decide how much of his drinking he wanted to explain to Gus, and  just as quickly he decided he would not make that decision, but let Gus lead the conversation.

"I told Emmett to come by later so we could talk," Brian said, reminding Gus of the earlier encounter.  He took a deep breath, realizing that telling his son was probably harder than telling Emmett.  

"That's why I invited him to come play XBox.  You aren't mad that I asked him?" Gus asked, worried that he had angered his Dad.

"No.  No I'm not mad.  I was the one who originally suggested he stop by.  But Gus, I need to tell you why I wanted Emmett to come over.  I was supposed to go to Babylon with him and the guys last night and I cancelled."  While Brian realized the statement was true, he knew that it was only a partial explanation.  He really didn't want to talk about his tricking with his son, so he wanted to tread lightly.

"Dad, so you cancelled.  No biggie.  Why would Emmett need to come over since you cancelled on him?"

"Gus,  I cancelled because I didn't want to be around all the booze."

Gus looked at his father with a puzzled expression on his face.  "Dad, there's lots of booze at bars.  Even I know that. Why wouldn't you want to be around booze? Isn't that why people go to bars?"  Gus was smart, but it appeared that the true nature of Babylon hadn't occurred to him yet.  He didn't understand the gay culture and picking up tricks.  "Tommy says his Dad goes to the bars to have a drink and pick up women all the time.  He said that his Dad met his latest girlfriend at the bar by his work.  I know that you're not going to pick up a woman, but isn't it the same for gay guys?"

Brian realized that Gus did know about the pick up angle of bars. That made the conversation both easier and more difficult.  He was not going to tell his son about his promiscuity.  He had already been confronted about it at a recent meeting and the little hamsters in his head had been mulling over the idea of intimacy vs sex for a few days.  Still, at 10, there were definitely some mysteries that parents needed to shield their children from.

"I try to stay away from hetero bars, but I guess it is the same," Brian said, cringing at the thought of picking up a woman.  He'd entertained enough clients and been in a sufficient number of bars that he understood the nuances of that culture.  He was slightly surprised that at 10, Gus knew as much as he did.  He didn't think that he knew that much when he was 10, but then he knew his dad went to the bar after work to have a drink, and came home drunk most nights.  

"Dad, you're not making any sense.  So you cancelled on Aunty Em.  What does that mean and why would you want him to come here to talk about it?  I've never seen anyone drop by except Uncle Michael and Grandma Deb.  When they come over, you always seem mad that they showed up.  Last time Uncle Michael showed up, you practically pushed him out of the loft."  Gus got up, walked to the kitchen and opened the cabinet, grabbing a glass.  He brought it to the door in the fridge and pushed the button for ice and then water.  "Want any water, Dad?"

"No, thanks," Brian said, realizing he better get to the point or Gus would get tired of the discussion.

Gus returned with his water glass and set it on the coffee table.

"Coaster," Brian said, knowing Gus would understand his command.

Gus grabbed a coaster, wiped the water that had dripped onto the table with his sleeve, and placed his cup on the coaster. 

Brian ignored the uncouth gesture, deciding that now was not the time to go into a discussion on manners.  He almost thought Gus had done it on purpose as he was getting tired of their talk.

"Gus, there is no easy way to say this.  I've been avoiding the bars because I'm an alcoholic.  I was thinking that I wanted to go dancing at Babylon last night and I could avoid the booze, but at the last minute, decided that it wasn't a good idea," Brian said, pleased that he was able to admit his problem to his son.  

"We talked about alcohol in school.  You know the DARE program.  We have lots of speakers and the police come in to talk to us too.  But dad, you can't be an alcoholic, you have a big business and make lots of money.  Alcoholics are losers," Gus said.  He didn't like to disagree with his father and was confused as to why his father thought he was an alcoholic.  

"Gus, I am an alcoholic.  Sure I have a big business, but I can be an alcoholic and run a business.  Emmett and Ted were going to help me stay away from the alcohol, but after I thought about it, I decided I wasn't ready to go to the bar and not drink." 

"I'm still not getting why you need to talk to Aunty Em about it."

"I wanted to explain my change of heart and thank him for his offer to go with me," Brian said.

"I guess that makes sense, but why all the hiding?  I'm sure that Grandma Deb and everyone else in the family know you go to the bars.  Isn't that why Uncle Michael came by here the last time?  He wanted you to go to the bars."  Gus stopped talking and thought for a moment.  "They don't know that you aren't going to the bars.  Dad, why haven't you told them?"

Gus was pretty quick.  It made Brian proud that Gus had figured it out, but now he had to go one step further and explain why he hadn't told Michael and Deb.

"Do Mom and Momma know you are an alcoholic?"  Gus was leaping to conclusions much faster than Brian thought he would.  That was both good and bad.  Good, since that meant that he didn't have to spell it all out, but bad because now he had to go a little deeper into his discussion.

"It's complicated.  Sure, your moms know that I drink, but I'm afraid if they knew that I was an alcoholic, they would try to keep you away from me."

"But you're my Dad.  I have a right to see you and spend time with you.  It doesn't matter to me that you are an alcoholic."

"I'm glad that you want to still see me.  But you see, your moms might believe you weren't safe with me.  People have negative views about alcoholics.  You thought that I couldn't be one since I have a big business. I think your moms would use my alcoholism as an excuse to say you couldn't visit me or stay with me."

"Are you sure you're an alcoholic? I mean, I've never seen you drink more than a beer or two?"

"Yes, Gus, I'm an alcoholic.  I think about alcohol a lot and there are many days, I really wish I could have a drink.  Before we started this conversation, I wished I could have a beer."

"Okay, so Aunty Em and Uncle Ted know about your drinking; Deb, Uncle Michael and the moms do not.  Oh, and I now know," Gus said as he touched his forefinger to his other forefinger and ticked off the names.  "You gonna tell them?"

"Soon.  The whole reason I wanted to talk to you tonight is that I've hired a lawyer.  I want to ensure that I have my legal rights in place, guaranteeing that I can see you, before I tell your moms.  This way, when I tell them about being an alcoholic, they can't try and keep you away from me."

"That is so cool, Dad.  I mean Tommy's dad never had to prove that he was his father so he could see him.  But since you aren't raising me, you gotta take that extra step.  I love you Dad."  Gus leaned over to give Brian a big hug and Brian returned it.  

"Tomorrow, before we go to the Incline, we are going to a lab where they are going to take a sample from your cheek and run some tests on it.  These tests will verify that you are my kid," Brian said as he explained their errand for tomorrow.

"Everyone knows that you are my Dad.  I look just like a mini version of you."

"I know, but this way the courts will have proof that you are my kid. Your moms can't keep us apart or tell me that I can't spend time with you."  

"How long is this gonna take?  The Incline sounded kind of cool."

"The test is only going to take a few minutes.  After the test, we are going to meet a friend of mine and he's going to go with us to the Incline."

Gus sat back on the couch, surprised at his father's statement.  He cocked his head as if to be sure he heard his father right.  "Dad?  A friend?"

"Let me explain.  To help me work on getting sober, I'm attending special meetings every day. The group is called Alcoholics Anonymous.  I have a person who helps me understand my drinking. After every meeting, he and I go for coffee and we talk about the meetings.  He's the one who encouraged me to find some new activities in my life.  Since all I ever did was go to Babylon or Woody's, it seemed like a good idea."

"This guy is going to join us.  Why is he coming?  We've never had anyone join us before," Gus asked.  Gus had never seen his father with anyone other than "the family." Uncle Michael had his husband, Ben, and Uncle Ted had Blake, but his Dad had never had anyone come to the family dinner at Grandma's house.  

"Since my knowledge of Pittsburgh's interesting places consisted of Babylon and Woody's, Justin has encouraged me to investigate the area and find things I might like to do in my free time.  I asked him to be my tour guide.  He's become a good friend," Brian said and realized that he had not put those thoughts into words until now.  Justin was a friend, even if he was Brian's sponsor.  He wasn't used to friends that just wanted to hang out and not pick up guys or drink, so it was still novel, and until that moment he hadn't put a label on their relationship.  

"Has anyone else met Justin?" Gus asked, wondering about this new person.  He had a hard time picturing someone his father called a friend, since it was a really new situation.

"No.  I've talked to Emmett and Ted about him and they were going to meet him last night when I went to Babylon.  He was going to come with me."

"So, he is gay?  Sure he's not your boyfriend?"

"I don't have boyfriends, Gus.  No, he is my sponsor and my friend."

"I'll be the first person to meet him. What if I don't like him?  Will he still join us at the Incline?"

Brian hadn't thought that Gus might not like Justin.  He couldn't imagine that being the case, but realized that it was a real possibility.  

"If you don't like him, I'll tell him that I'll see him at the next AA meeting.  You are still my first priority.  I'll still see him since he's my sponsor, but you won't have to be with him if you don't like him,"  Brian said, silently hoping that Gus liked Justin.  He wanted them to enjoy each other's company just like he enjoyed each of their company.  He wouldn't think about that unlikely outcome as they weren't meeting Justin until tomorrow. Before that happened, Emmett would be coming over and he would have a conversation with him.  After that, they would have to complete the DNA testing before they would meet Justin. 

Gus thought about all that he and his dad had talked about today and asked, "Dad, what made you decide to not be an alcoholic anymore?"

Before Brian could answer, the buzzer rang, announcing a visitor.  Brian stood up and went to the intercom, "Yes," he said, hoping it was Emmett and not Michael or anyone else.  He knew he would have to answer Gus' question, but afterward, maybe Gus could be distracted by pizza making and he could take a break.

"It's me, the pizza chef," Emmett said into the intercom.

Brian turned to Gus.  "Let's let Emmet up and we'll finish our discussion."

He buzzed the door so Emmett could come into the building and heard the creaky elevator a few minutes later.  Brian had opened the door in anticipation of Emmett's arrival.

Emmett was holding a large grocery bag as he walked off the elevator. 

Brian looked at him and said, "Did you buy the entire isle of pizza makings?  I didn't think it took that much to make pizza," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

"I'll have you know that I only use the best and the freshest ingredients in all my cooking."  He looked over at Gus sitting on the couch and noticed that the tv wasn't on.  "While I don't play video games, I was sure they required a television that was turned on," he said.  He put the bag of ingredients on the small peninsula in Brian's kitchen.  

"We haven't started playing yet, Aunty Em.  Daddy was telling me about why he wanted to talk to you," Gus said.  

"I see.  What did he tell you?"  Emmett wasn't sure how much Gus knew about Brian's drinking and he was not about to break Brian's confidence at this juncture.

"He said he's an alcoholic and he hasn't told my moms, Grandma Deb or Uncle Michael. He told me that he wanted to explain to you why he didn't go to Babylon yesterday.  And he also said that I was going to have a test to prove to the courts that I was his kid.  He doesn't think my moms would let me hang out with him if they knew he was an alcoholic."

Emmett wiped his forehead, as if a visible line of sweat were lying there.  "I see you two have been busy since we left the diner."

"Yeah.  Just before you got here, I asked him why he thought he was an alcoholic.  You told me you'd answer my question, Dad," Gus said, reminding Brian. Brian never lied to his son and he wasn't going to start now, but he really was not thrilled about admitting his failures. But he remembered the lessons he had learned at AA, he needed to accept his failures as well as his successes.  

"Emmett, why don't you join us.  I think I owe you for not showing up last night."

Emmett waved his hand and said, "You don't owe me anything."

"Well Sonny Boy, I knew I was an alcoholic when I wrecked my car after I'd been drinking.  Remember, I said that you were the reason I was not drinking.  Well, I walked away from the accident, but my car did not.  That is why I have a new car.  My first thought was about you.  I realized that you could have been in the car with me.  If you had been injured I would have never forgiven myself."

"But I mean, well, the DARE program says we shouldn't drink and drive, but I see you do it all the time. Dad, people drink and drive all the time.  I've seen you drink a few beers at my soccer games and then we drive home.  What was different? "

"Well, that's the thing, Gus.  I had only had a few beers that night,  I dropped you off at your moms and the roads were wet.  I lost control and ran into a tree.  I was not going to ever put you in that situation and realized that I needed help and needed to change."

"I still don't understand.  You've been drinking at my soccer games for as long as I can remember.  And you often have a glass of wine at Grandma's on Sundays.  I sometimes see you drink a few beers on the weekend when I'm here.  Lots of the family drink.  Are they alcoholics too?"

"I can't speak for anyone else, Gus.  But it's different for me.  You only saw what I allowed you to see,  I drank a lot and I found that I was having problems getting through my day without alcohol,"  Brian said, realizing that he was being really honest with Gus and that he felt good about sharing the truth.

"Most people who drink aren't alcoholics.  Alcoholics can't control their drinking. They can't stop, even if they know they should,"  Brian said.  He stood up and went to the kitchen to grab a bottled water from the fridge.  Holding it up, he looked at Emmett and asked, "Want one?".

"No, thanks."

Brian returned to the couch, opened the bottle and took a large drink of the bottle, finishing almost a third of it.  "Emmett was going to go to Babylon with me last night to help distract me from the alcohol.  I knew if I had one drink, it would become 5 or 6 and all the progress I'd made would be gone."  Brian looked at Emmett and said, "I'm sorry I asked you to go to Babylon.  You shouldn't have to be put in the position of being my watchdog.  When I know that I can say no, I'll go back."

Emmett leaned forward to give Brian a hug and surprisingly to both of them, Brian accepted it.  "You'll get there.  I'm proud of you."

"So you stopped drinking for me and you're going to a lawyer so that my moms can't keep us apart?"  Gus said as he summarized the conversation.

"Yep.  While I loved that car, wrecking it made me realize that a car could be replaced, but you can't.  I needed to know that I was doing everything in my power to keep you safe.  I don't want anything I do to stop me from being your Dad," Brian said.  He walked over to where Gus sat, ruffling his hair.  

"Now, you invited Emmett to make pizza.  I think the two of you better get started or it will be midnight before it's ready to eat,"  Brian said.

"Gus, let's get to it.  Sounds like your dad wants us to cook.  I'm surprised he's willing to eat carbs this late, but I guess some things change.

"Dad, what are you going to do while we make pizza?"

"I think I will give Justin a call.  I'll be in my bedroom for a bit."

"Okay.  Come on Aunty Em, I'm starving. All this talk is making me hungry."

Brian walked up to the bedroom, closing the door and sat on the bed.  While this had been one of the hardest conversations he'd had, it had gone really well.  He got out his phone and scrolled down to Justin's number, hoping that he would answer.  He realized he really wanted to talk to him.

TBC

Justin parked his car and walked toward the  Wood Street Galleries.  The gallery crawls the city offered on Friday nights once every three months were a favorite activity of his; offering him a chance to soak up the culture and immerse himself in his preferred world. Since Brian had his son this evening, he would be free to pop in and view a few of the exhibits.  He'd been working on several new pieces to show his agent and was looking forward to their meeting tomorrow.  Other artists' work always inspired him as their creativity frequently sparked something in him as well.

As he walked toward the throngs of people already in the area, he allowed his mind to wander, thinking about his life now and how it had changed in the last year.  He was enjoying being a sponsor, completing one of the last 12 steps crucial to remaining sober.  He remembered when he first started AA and read through them, wondering how he would be able to "give back to the community" and now he realized that being a sponsor was his way of working that all important 12th step.  There was something about Brian that made Justin want to help him.  He hadn't thought too much about the situation, but now that he had been Brian's sponsor for a little over a month, he realized a few things. At the first meeting, Brian appeared confident, all knowing and poised.   But as he got to know Brian, he realized that he really wasn't that confident about his own private life. Outside of his business, Brian didn't really know who he was or what he liked.  To that end, Justin hoped he could help Brian become as confident in his personal life as he was in his professional life.   

The other day when Justin had suggested that Brian should broaden his horizons and look for activities he enjoyed, he was only slightly surprised that Brian had difficulty coming up with ideas.  He'd been to enough meetings to know that alcoholics fit into one of two categories.  He'd stopped counting the number of times he heard how an alcoholic's entire life had revolved around their drinking.  It often started with a drink to get their day going, then a drink before or during lunch that often turned into two or three drinks, and then the after work drink that frequently became an all night event.  Then there were the alcoholics who were sober all day until they left work, drinking their way into oblivion until they fell into bed, blurring the lines between sleep and inebriation.  After more than a year, he'd heard a variety of stories about people's drinking habits, and while all the people were different, their stories were very similar.  However, it was a little unusual to see someone who had a life like Brian's.  While most alcoholics had a set of people they drank with, those people were often separate from the other people in their lives, almost compartmentalizing their drinking from the rest of their lives.  Sure, those alcoholics who only drank after work may start drinking with their colleagues, but they were still at the bar long after their colleagues left for the evening.  Based on the conversations he'd had with Brian, the friends he drank with were the people he considered family.  He had told Justin that his accountant was one of the people who would be at the bar, although he no longer drank due to a history of drug abuse.  He shared that at the weekly family gatherings, there was often beer and wine and most of the adults drank, although no one, including Brian, got drunk.  He reported his friend, Mickey as someone who went to the bars with him, but he also reported that Mikey and he had a long friendship, way before Brian began drinking.  Brian was truly an enigma, a man whose friends were his friends outside his drinking activities.  Justin had been looking forward to meeting them at Babylon last night.  He had no reason to question Brian when he discussed his friendships, but he had wanted to watch the dynamics of him with his friends in what used to be Brian's choice of evening activity.  He knew that people acted differently when they were drinking and he was curious to see Brian at Babylon as well. 

 
Just as he neared the Wood Street Galleries, his phone rang.  He wondered who would be calling on a Friday night, but looked at the screen and saw the caller ID as Brian.  He swiped the answer button and started walking in the opposite direction of the gallery, hoping for a quieter place to hear the conversation.

"Brian.  Is everything okay?  I didn't expect to hear from you until tomorrow,"  Justin asked as he crossed the street where the noise was less obvious.

"Nothing is wrong.  I just wanted to tell you I told Gus," Brian said, torn between going into the whole discussion and wanting Justin to push him like he often did.

"Told Gus?  Tell me about the conversation," Justin kept walking toward his car. When he saw that the caller was Brian, he thought the conversation might be longer than 2-3 minutes and he knew that his car would be quiet.  While the wind blowing through his deep blue V-neck T was welcome, he knew from experience that it made it difficult to hear on the other end of a phone conversation. 

Justin wished he was sitting across the table from Brian rather than talking on the phone for this conversation.  He doubted Brian realized how much his facial expressions ‘talked'; therefore he was going to need to get Brian to actually say words in order for him to gauge how he was doing.  If the conversation didn't go well, Justin was ready to meet Brian if he needed him.

Brian took a deep breath.  He didn't believe in the church or any religion, but he almost felt like he was in the confessional.  The last time he'd attended confession was as a middle schooler when his mother mandated his presence at Sunday worship.  When he hit high school, he conveniently was always at Mickey's when it came time to attend. 

He'd thought about his upcoming conversation with Gus for a long time before he picked him up for their weekend together.  He toyed with how much he wanted to tell Gus but knew he had to be fairly transparent.  He surmised that when Linds discovered his AA attendance that would be a great way to retaliate for the loss of money. She would likely try to manipulate his visits with Gus, using his drinking as an excuse for not allowing them time together.  Who knew what Mel would say or do when his money stopped?  He didn't want Gus to ‘overhear' his mothers talking and wonder about Brian's loyalty or safety. 

 
"We talked about the DNA test and he seemed to think that was pretty cool.  He liked that I was fighting for my rights to see him."  Brian's smile grew as he shared the news with Justin.  "I guess my kid likes me."

Justin smiled at Brian's statement.  He knew Brian loved his son; that was his reason to get sober.  He had to know in the back of his mind that his son felt connected to him or he would not have continued his sobriety journey. However, the confirmation from his son would be a good motivator to continue his sobriety.

"It's ironic.  I never really thought about protecting my rights where Gus was concerned and now that I'm sober enough to realize that Lindsay has been using Gus as a pawn to get my money, I'm wanting to protect me and him,"  Brian said. He ran his hand over his head a few times.  "I couldn't tell him about the DNA test without telling him about my drinking."

"You told him about your drinking?  How did that go?"  Justin had more questions he could ask Brian about the conversation but surmised it went okay since Brian didn't appear to be upset.

"I'm not sure he buys the idea of me as an alcoholic.  He kept going on and on about some DARE class.  What the fuck do they teach kids in school these days?  No one told me a thing about alcohol.  Of course, I didn't need any education about it, thanks to my parents.  I was part of live-action theater every night." Brian gave a little smile at his quick retort.

Justin listened to Brian, wanting to ensure that Brian was finished talking before responding.  So many people talk at each other, sharing information that is important to them without listening to the other person's response.  The other person in the conversation sometimes seems like a placeholder so the person talking doesn't appear to be conversing with himself. 

"Hey,  I'm sorry I called.  I'm sure you were doing something fun, rather than attending AA with me, helping me delve deeper into my darkest thoughts," Brian said, the levity in his voice easy to hear.  "I'll let you go back to your evening."  Brian didn't hang up immediately; he wanted Justin to say goodbye to officially end the conversation.

"Brian.  Stop.  I'm your friend and your sponsor.  As your sponsor, I've agreed that you can call me anytime.  I'm not on a clock and can only be reached between 9:00 and 5:00.  You know, I once called my sponsor at 3:00 am, when I was having a huge meltdown. I couldn't paint and I had a deadline coming up.  I decided that drinking might help me create a masterpiece,"  Justin said as he remembered that phone call.  Jeremy, his sponsor, had been on the phone with him for over an hour, talking him down and walking him through some deep breathing to calm his body.

"Okay,"  Brian said.  He looked at the clock on the nightstand and realized he had been talking to Justin for about 10 minutes.  He didn't want to spend too much time in his bedroom, but he realized he needed to address his anxiety about tomorrow as well. 
Justin was pleased that Brian had immediately backed down from his plan to end the phone call.  He realized he needed to figure out why Brian called since it appeared that his son thought the test was cool.

"It's huge that you told your son.  I'm not surprised you are freaking out.  When you start to share your experiences and your disease, it is very scary.  You want everyone to still like you and to not turn away.  In your case, Gus had no idea that you were struggling with alcohol, so that makes it harder and easier at the same time." 

Justin had reached his car and was sitting in the driver's side.  He closed the door and leaned the seat back a bit so he wasn't so close to the steering wheel.  He wasn't very tall for a man and had to push the seat pretty close in order to reach the pedals comfortably.  He didn't like the steering wheel that close to his body when he wasn't driving.  He placed his phone in the phone cradle on his dashboard so his hands could be free.  While he wasn't planning on driving anywhere, he didn't want to hold his phone for a long conversation. 

"Who says I'm freaking out?  I'll have you know..."  Brian stopped mid sentence.  "Okay, guilty.  How can you be so smart and I be so gullible?" 

 
"Brian, This is all new territory for you.  You told your friend Ted, the guy that works with you and you told Emmett.  No one else in your family knows about your struggle.  Now, you've opened up to the most vulnerable of people, your son.  Kids often see things that parents don't realize."  

Justin thought back to his own family.  He remembered with regret how his father threw him out when he found out he was gay.  He had talked with his mother and she had apologized for his father's behavior and attitudes.  She had said that she always knew in the back of her mind that he was gay, but had been afraid to voice her observations as she was afraid of the consequences. A few months later she had moved out and divorced his father.  At first, he'd thought he was the reason for the divorce, but as he got older and was able to look at their marriage from the outside, he realized there were many signs of things that were not right in their lives.  He was just too close to see it.  

But in Brian's situation, he knew his parents were alcoholics and he'd seen first hand how their actions impacted him.  Unconsciously, he probably didn't drink a lot in front of his son, not wanting to repeat his own upbringing.  On the one hand, this was wonderful for Gus who had never seen his father drunk or out of control.  However, this also meant that Gus was questioning Brian's statements regarding his disease.  Brian had shielded his son and since his son didn't see him all the time, he had been able to hide his illness. Brian paused and took a deep breath before he continued.

  
"We also talked about the Incline.  He wanted to know how I decided we should go.  When I told him that it was your suggestion and that you would be joining us, he asked what I would do if he didn't like you," Brian said, his voice dropping slightly.  He unconsciously pinched the bridge of his nose, pushing away the uncomfortable feelings that were bubbling in his brain.  "It never occured to me that you and he wouldn't get along.  He likes all my other friends.  In fact, right now he's in the kitchen making pizza with Emmett."  Brian could hear their talking through the closed door, but was unable to make out the conversation.  He occasionally heard bouts of laughter too. 

 
"We ran into Emmett at the diner and I invited him over so I could explain about last night. Justin, I never, I mean never, ever invite anyone to my home.  People come by, like Mikey or Gus' mom, Lindsay, but they are never invited.  What the fuck is happening to me?"  Brian asked, wanting Justin's take on the latest new behavior. 

"Brian, we talked about this.  You're working on Brian, trying to figure out who you are when you are not drinking and what you want to do with your life.  While you may have chosen to not invite people into your home in the past, today you decided you wanted to do that.  You said you wanted to explain to him why you canceled last night.  Your home is your safe place and it appears that the only person you have felt safe inviting there has been Gus."

"Gus is just interested in hanging out and playing games.  He doesn't ask for things unless he personally needs them...like cleats or a new game for his Xbox."  Brian smiled at the idea that Gus ‘needed' a new game but that was their inside joke. Playing Xbox with Gus was Brian's guilty secret.  He enjoyed the occasional mindlessness of video games, something he never could afford when he was growing up.   "When Mikey stops by, he always wants me to hang out with him or needs me to ‘fix some problem'.  Lindsay almost always wants money in the guise of needing things for Gus," Brian said, slight anger in his voice. 

"You don't think Mikey and Lindsay want to just visit and that is why you don't invite them.  You wanted to talk to Emmett, rather than him inviting himself," Justin said, reflecting back Brian's words.   "True.  I don't invite anyone, they invite themselves."

"Did you talk to Emmett?"

"A little. Mostly, he heard the explanation I gave Gus about being an alcoholic. I'm planning on telling him about our plans for the Incline tomorrow.  While I know Emmett won't think anything about it, I'd like his support.  If things go well tomorrow, then I'm sure Gus will talk about the Incline at Sunday dinner."  Brian stopped and took a deep breath.  He had been looking forward to the Incline and having Justin show him the city, but hadn't expected Gus' question.  

"I'm looking forward to meeting your friends.  I'd like to meet people who are helping you with your sobriety journey," Justin said, not telling him that he was curious about Brian's ‘family'.

"But what about tomorrow?  Do you still want to join us?  I told Gus if he didn't like you, I'd choose him and I would just see you at meetings.  I don't want you to feel like you're on probation.  I feel like the divorced dad who is dating again and wants his kid to like the new girlfriend,"  Brian said, trying to joke a little at the situation.  "Not like I'd ever be married or have a wife," Brian said, shivering unconsciously at the thought of marriage.  "Today, Gus even asked me if I'd ever considered marrying his mom.  The question turned my stomach.  Sure I love Lindsay, but as a friend, not that kind of love.  That is what I told him, too."

"Brian, my presence is up to you.  As you said, I'm there as a friend, not a date.  What do you want?"

Brian didn't even think before he responded.  "I'd like you there.  I just wanted to let you know what Gus was thinking.  You know, he asked if you were my boyfriend as he had never seen me with anyone that wasn't family.  I guess I do need to expand my circle."

"Do you want to expand your circle?  It's not a decision that Gus or I can make.  I'm only encouraging you to figure out who the real Brian is.  What do you want out of life and how do you want to spend it?  I'm not that concerned that you have 10 friends or 100 friends or if you spend your days watching porn or training for a marathon.  I just want you to look at your life and figure out what you want to do with it besides hanging out at Babylon and Woodys." 

Justin watched the parking lot fill up, the people getting out of their cars and walking toward the various galleries.  He glanced at his watch and saw it was only 7:30, still plenty of time to hit several places before they closed for the evening.  While he had been looking forward to immersing himself in art, he was equally comfortable in his new role as a sponsor.  He's always wondered why anyone would voluntarily offer to be a sponsor but now realized that helping another person reach their potential was extremely satisfying.  He realized that he was okay with talking to Brian even if it meant it cut into his time at the galleries.

"What if going to Woody's and Babylon is what I decide I want my life to be?" Brian said, a slight challenge in his question.  He'd already come to the conclusion that maybe those pursuits would not be his primary activities anymore, but for some reason, he was pushing Justin tonight.

"If that is what you decide you want to spend your time on, then I'm okay with that decision.  I honestly hope that isn't your decision, but if that is what you decide, I'm not going to try and change your mind," Justin said.  He was a little taken aback by the question, especially considering the recently aborted trip to the bars. "Have you changed your mind about going back?  I'm still willing to join you if you want to try again."

"No.  I'm just yanking your chain.  While I do hope to go back to Babylon someday; it's not on my immediate to do list.  I was just checking that you haven't changed your mind."  Brian was pleased with Justin's answer.  He truly had no intention of going to Babylon anytime soon but was happy that Justin was still willing to join him.

"I should get back to Gus and Emmett.  While Emmett may be a professional chef, you'd never guess it if you saw the mess he makes in the kitchen.  Thanks for talking, Justin.  I'll call you when we're done at the clinic."  Brian said as he noticed that he had stopped hearing rattling noises and faint bits of conversation that he had a few minutes beforehand.  He wondered what mischief Emmett and Gus had gotten into.  He doubted Gus had convinced Emmett to play an Xbox game. 

 
"No problem.  Enjoy your pizza with your son and Emmett.  I'll see you guys tomorrow."  Justin hit end on his phone and took it out of the cradle, placing it in his pants pocket.  The smile on his face was large and he was extremely happy with his life at the moment.  He got out of his car and made his way back to the gallery crawl, hoping he could hit at least two exhibits before they closed for the evening.

Brian opened the door and joined Gus and Emmett. Emmett was at the sink, washing the dishes from the pizza prep.

"Sweetie, you have the most gorgeous kitchen.  I just can't think for the life of me why you don't cook in it.  Even this sink is to die for.  It's deep enough to put an entire pizza pan in.  Now, of course, my sink at Honeycutt's Delights is that deep, but I don't think I've ever seen one like this in a person's home.  And your knives are fabulous.  I was...."

"Stop.  I don't cook.  Now, if you have such a love for my kitchen, you are more than welcome to come over and cook any time you want.  Those stuffed chicken breasts with Brie and cranberries comes to mind.  I'm sure Gus would love it if you wanted to cook Pizza anytime he's here.  Right, Gus?"  Brian asked as he turned toward his son.

"Uh sure.  Aunt Em can come cook pizza anytime.  Dad, are you okay? Who'd you call?  And why are you inviting Aunty Em to come to cook for us?"  Gus looked at his dad, especially his eyes.  He remembered in his DARE class, the teachers talked about people's eyes looking glassy when they were drinking.  His dad's eyes didn't look any different, but he was sure acting weird. 

 
"Gus, I'm fine.  Remember I told you that Justin is joining us tomorrow and you were worried that you might not like him.  I wanted to tell him that if you didn't feel comfortable we would be changing our plans,"  Brian said, trying to reassure his son.  

"Okay.  It's just not like you,"  Gus said as he decided that his Dad appeared to be normal. "So, you want to play me a few rounds of Xbox while the pizza cooks. Aunty Em can watch and then maybe he'll be willing to play me after dinner."

Emmett shook his head.  "Gus, I can cook a feast for 250 people, but I sometimes have trouble programming my tv to tape my favorite soap opera.  I'm fine just watching."  Emmett sat down on the barstool in the kitchen that overlooked the living space.  "I'll just sit up here and watch the pizza and you guys at the same time."  He gave them a wave of his hand, signaling that he was fine where he was and that they should play.

Gus gave Brian his control and cued up their latest Zombie game.  Emmett smiled as he watched Brian hang out with his son.  He was so proud of Brian.  He decided to hang out until it was time to get ready for Babylon.  He really wanted to chat with Brian about how his life was really going.  

While Brian had been in the bedroom talking to his sponsor, Gus and Emmett had cleaned the kitchen. Gus had shared some of their earlier conversation with Emmett and Emmett was eager to talk to his friend.  He hadn't had too many opportunities to talk to Brian since he'd shared information about his journey.  

The aroma of the cooking cheese wafted through the loft and Emmett knew their masterpiece was almost finished cooking.  He couldn't wait for Brian to try it.  He had made sure to buy the ingredients for a large salad as well as the pizza makings.  He went to the fridge and took out those ingredients and put together a large salad as well.

He heard Gus yelling, "I beat you.  I beat you, Dad" just as the timer went off in the oven.  

Emmett called out, "Perfect timing; pizza is ready and I just finished making the salad. 

Despite your invitation to come make pizza for Gus, I know your preferences, my friend. You don't like to eat carbs after 7:00 and while you will indulge, you prefer salads."  Emmett grabbed the large salad bowl filled with stuffed green olives, feta cheese, mushrooms, tomatoes, and some artichoke hearts.  "Here is a large salad as well."

"Thanks, Emmett.  I appreciate the salad. Gus lets go wash our hands and then eat this pizza that you and Emmett concocted,"  Brian said as his mouth watered at the aroma of the pizza and the amazing salad. 

The three of them enjoyed pizza and salad as well as conversation until it was time for Gus to go to bed.  

"What time do we gotta leave tomorrow, Dad?  I'm kind of excited about the test,"  Gus asked as he put away the controls for the Xbox.  

"The place doesn't open till 9:00 and it's a half hour away.  Justin has a meeting with his agent in the morning so he probably won't be available until at least 11:00.  I had to call for an appointment since it's Saturday.  Our appointment is for 10:00.  I figured it would be a little less crowded at that time."  He picked up the mail that was laying at the edge of the coffee table.  "I have to take this with us.  It's a release to send the results to the lawyers.  Help me remember.  Now it's late, go get ready for bed, Gus."

"Okay, Dad.  I love you.  Wait till I tell the kids at school on Monday."

"Uh, Gus.  Let's not tell anyone until we get the results back.  Remember what we talked about?"  Brian reminded his son.  He knew that Gus was really happy about all that Brian was doing to keep him in his life, but he did not want his mothers to know about the DNA test until the results were available.  He wanted all the legal issues locked up before he talked to Lindsay.  He knew that she was already going to be extremely angry when she realized that he'd gone to the school and was having all requests for field trips and other funds be directed to him. He knew he could trust Gus.  He appreciated that Gus wanted to share his news with his friends, but waiting a few weeks was important.

"Sure dad.  Bye, Aunty Em. Thanks for the pizza.  You can come over next time I stay with dad.  Your pizza is way better than any takeout we get," Gus said as he made his way to the bathroom.

"Brian Kinney, what in the world are you two talking about.  What kind of test does Gus have to get and why is it secret?  And why does Justin talking to his agent make a difference in your plans for tomorrow?  You got some splainin' to do, Lucy,"  Emmett asked, his big toothy grin filled with mirth even as he grilled his friend.

"I'll explain it all when Gus goes to bed.  Thanks again for the pizza.  It was good and like Gus said, much better than any takeout we could have ordered."

Gus yelled that he was ready for bed.  "I'll be right there," Brian said.  Turning to Emmett, "Let me tell Gus good night and then we'll talk."

"I'll just make myself at home on your nice fluffy couch.  Lordy, if you're not careful, I might just take a little nap,"  Emmett said, tongue in cheek.
TBC    

Brian went into the bedroom.  Gus was laying underneath the blanket and his eyes were starting to droop.  

"Dad, can I ask you one more question?"  Gus said as he raised himself on his elbows. 

"Sonny boy, you can always ask me anything.  I may not answer you, but I don't want you to ever feel that you cannot ask," Brian said as he sat on the edge of the bed.   Bringing Gus to the loft was fine when he was a baby, but now that he was almost 11, he found that he was getting too big to share his bed.  With his goal of spending more time with Gus, he thought about some alternatives for sleeping arrangements and put that on his to-do list.  Shopping for a sleeper sofa had never been on his radar; he would contact his decorator who knew his taste and could narrow his choices. 

Getting Gus his own bed would be another display of his desire to spend time with Gus.  He could envision Lindsay trying to make an argument that he didn't have room for Gus to spend more than an occasional night at his place since he was getting too old to share Brian's bed.  He was certain that if she thought about it, she would realize that the bed Gus shared with him was the same one he used when he bought tricks home, but she probably never let her mind go down that road.  

While Brian didn't like to share a bed. Even when he was tricking on a regular basis, it was rare that he allowed a trick to spend the night. Brian hadn't had a trick come to his home for a long time, almost since the beginning of his sobriety journey.  Based on what he was learning and mulling around in his mind about intimacy and sex, he thought that tricking might not be on his radar for a while.

"This test tomorrow, you know the one that's going to tell everyone I'm your son."  Gus grinned at the notion that anyone would question if he was Brian's son, but he continued on with his own question.  "Had you ever thought of going to a lawyer, you know to make sure my moms couldn't keep me from seeing you?"

Brian swallowed hard at Gus's question.  He wanted Gus in his life and he knew Gus wanted to be there.  He hadn't ever thought of pursuing the legal side, probably because he knew in his heart it wasn't a good idea. 

"Not really.  When I was drinking a lot, having you overnight every few weeks was just the right amount of time.  But now, I want to spend a lot more time with you. Like I said earlier, if your moms knew I had a problem with alcohol, then they might not want me to spend time with you."  Brian reached out to ruffle Gus's hair and patted the bed indicating he should lie back down.  "Gus, I like being your dad and spending time with you.  Things are changing for me and they hopefully will change for you too.  The test tomorrow is the first step in having the law behind my rights."

Gus reached out his hands to hug Brian and Brian returned the hug.  "Night, Sonny boy.  Time to sleep.  We can talk more tomorrow."

"Ok, dad.  Love you," Gus said as he closed his eyes and pulled up the blanket.

Brian came out to the living room, closing the door to the bedroom to keep the sound of his conversation with Emmett quieter.  He looked toward the living area and saw Emmett sprawled out on his white leather couch.  

"Emmett, contrary to popular belief, my furniture is made to sit on, not lounge. If you are tired, I'm sure you have your own furniture that you can sleep on," Brian said.

Emmett sat up and grinned at Brian.  "I guess there is something to be said for quality furniture.  I think this couch is more comfortable than my bed."  Emmett wanted something to drink and went to the kitchen to grab a water bottle from the fridge.  

When he was putting the remnants of his pizza making ingredients away, he'd seen that Brian had at least 8 water bottles in the fridge.  There was a half gallon of milk, some apples, a few condiments, and a few boxes of leftover takeout boxes in the fridge.  It was obvious that Brian did not eat at home very often.

He returned to the couch and placed his water bottle on the coaster.

"At least you practice good manners," Brian said as he waved his hand at the coaster.  "I'm constantly after Gus to put his bottle on a coaster. And don't get me started on Debbie and Michael."

Emmett held his hand up in a stopping motion.  "I know you didn't invite me over to talk about coasters. While you don't owe me an explanation, I'm here to listen, if you want to talk."

Brian nodded his head.  He had invited Emmett to come over which meant that he did want to talk to him.  While he had been changing a lot of his behaviors in the last few months, he still followed the philosophy of doing what he wanted to do. If he didn't want to do something, he just didn't do it.   Of course, in business, this philosophy was a little more difficult to follow.  His clients were always right.  But in his personal life, he followed the philosophy of no apologies, no regrets.  He didn't feel like he was apologizing to Emmett for canceling last night, but he wanted him to understand why he canceled.

"Every AA meeting has a topic.  Sometimes they talk about the 12 steps and other times we talk about themes in recovery."

"I know about AA.  Never attended, but I know how it works,"  Emmet said.  He hoped by telling Brian he knew a little about the program, it would put him at ease.  

"Good.  A few days ago, the topic was sex and intimacy.  I kept telling myself, I wasn't going to Babylon because I wasn't drinking, and I wasn't tricking because I wasn't going to Babylon."  Brian looked at Emmett, expecting to see his mouth open or his hand to his face in a gesture of incredulity.  However, Emmett showed neither, leaning forward and gently nodding his head. 

"I realized that I was lying to myself.  Sure, I go to Babylon to drink, but I probably go there more for the tricks.  When I admitted that I hadn't tricked in almost 2 months, I started questioning my true reason for wanting to go to Babylon."   The words seemed simple when he was retelling the story, but Brian knew they were anything but simple.  He'd mulled over the idea that sex and intimacy were two different things. While you could have one without the other, they were not interchangeable.  

"But every gay man tricks.  I'm not sure where you're going with this, Kinney," Emmett said, trying to follow the conversation but not being successful.

"I used to trick a lot," Brian said.

"Used to? I know you haven't been to Woody's or Babylon in a while, but I still thought..."

"You thought wrong and if you breathe a word of that little tidbit to anyone, I'll deny it,' Brian said in a steely voice.  

"I stopped going to Woody's and Babylon because I didn't want to be tempted by the booze.  Since I wasn't going to my favorite playgrounds, I justified my lack of tricking due to not frequenting them.  I talked with my sponsor and told him that I missed hanging out and tricking, but I told him that I thought I could go to Babylon and not drink, but trick and dance.  He agreed to go with me to help me if I got tempted to drink."

Emmett nodded his head in agreement.  "I know all this.  You asked me and Ted to help keep you away from the bar.  It still doesn't explain why you canceled.  Now, I don't need an explanation, but it appears that you feel I do, so I'll shut up now and let you continue your story."

"A few of the members called me on my statements.  There was a lesbian who said that she had a few gay friends and that being gay was not synonymous with tricking.  She suggested that I was using my being gay to excuse my lack of intimacy.  Anyway, I won't bore you with all the details of the conversation, but suffice it to say that after talking to my sponsor, I realized that my tricking was just another way to hide.  I hid in a bottle for years and extended that to my dick.  Bottom line, when and if I go back to Babylon, it won't be for the booze or the tricks."

Emmett listened to Brian, taking in all he was saying and waited to respond.  He was fairly certain that Brian hadn't shared any of this information and he felt honored to be the person he chose to discuss this issue.  

"No drinking and no tricking. Liberty Avenue will miss its Stud,'  Emmett said tongue in cheek.  "Are you going to start dating?  Lordy, Brian Kinney as an eligible bachelor.  I can just imagine the line of men who would volunteer for that role."  Emmett took a drink as he mulled over a picture of Brian dating.  Somehow, he couldn't wrap his head around that possibility.  He liked Brian, but the man didn't appear to be dating material.  He worked, went to the gym, and went to the clubs.  As far as he knew the only thing that Brian did outside those areas was spend time with Gus.

"Dating?  I hadn't really thought about it.  If I'm not tricking, I think my dick would get tired of my right hand," Brian said.  "The one thing I've learned in my two months of sobriety is that everything takes time.  If I wanted something, I bought it or got it.  Sure, I still have that ability, but I'm beginning to see that I can't buy a lot of the things I want.  I can't buy time with Gus and I can't buy interests or hobbies."

"What will you do with your time?"  Emmett tried to imagine Babylon without Brian.  While Brian hadn't been there for the last several months, it was always in the back of his mind that his absence was due to a big work project or travel.  It wasn't unusual for Brian to go out of town or have projects that kept him away from Babylon for weeks at a time, especially if he had a pressing deadline or new client.  But to think that Brian would never be seen at Babylon again was unfathomable.

"I'm sure you heard Gus talking about the test tomorrow?"

"Yes, but I can't for the life of me think what kind of test he was talking about," Emmett said as he took a drink from his water bottle.  

"It's a DNA test.  I want to spend more time with Gus and I don't want the girls to try to use my alcoholism as an argument to keep me from seeing him. I talked to a lawyer and she said the first step was to verify that he is my son, hence the DNA test."

"Everybody knows that he's your son.  Just put the two of you side by side and you can't deny it," Emmett said.  He drank some of his water, noticed that it was almost empty, and brought it to the kitchen.  Drinking the last bit in the bottle, he placed it on the island and grabbed a new bottle.  "Want some water, Brian?" he asked as he reached into the fridge.  

"Sure," Brian said.  He realized that he was thirsty and while his mind would rather have a drink, water was the better choice.   

Emmett placed his new bottle on the coaster and Brian opened his bottle to take a long drink.  

"How long does the test take?  What are you going to do once you get it back?"  Emmett was intrigued by this whole process.  He didn't really know too many people who had children and this was foreign territory.  

"It only takes a few days, so we'll have the results back by next week at the latest. After we have the results, my lawyer is going to go to court so that I can have guaranteed access to Gus."

"Court!"  Emmett raised his eyebrows and elongated his mouth without opening it wide.   "You are serious about this.  Gus is great and I can see he likes spending time with you."

"He is a great kid. He told me tonight that he just likes hanging out with me. He compared me to some of his friends' fathers who are divorced.  He said a lot of them see their fathers on weekends but the weekends are filled with activities.  He said it was like the dads were trying to win some type of popularity contest."  Brian drank some water from his bottle.  He felt his shoulders relax, not realizing that it was a little stiff from tension.  Even though he had invited Emmett here to talk and wanted to tell him what was happening, a part of him was still a little anxious about the visit.

"How do you think Linds and Mel will react?"

Brian frowned.  "Not good.  I'm doing this to protect my ability to see Gus.  Lindsay has always used Gus as leverage and a ploy for money. That's going to end.  It will most likely not be pretty."

"I don't understand.  Honestly, I don't know them very well, despite seeing them most Sundays at Deb's."  Emmett was happy for Brian.  He wanted to support him in any way that he could.

Brian got up and walked to the doorway of his bedroom, looking in at Gus.  He stood there for a bit, wanting to verify that Gus was indeed asleep.  He could hear Gus breathing evenly and decided he was asleep.  He returned to the living area, sat down and drank some water.

"I wanted to be sure that Gus was asleep.  While I'm doing this for him, I don't want him to hear me talk about Lindsay."  Brian waved his hand toward the bedroom.  "He appears to be out."

Emmett nodded in understanding.  "You're a good man, Brian Kinney."

Brian nodded.  "Originally, I was only going to be the sperm donor for Gus.  Provide my junk and walk away.  But after, he was born, Lindsay constantly brought him over to the loft or encouraged me to come over to get to know ‘my son'."  Brian put up air quotes on the last words.  While Michael knew most of the story, Brian realized that he'd never really discussed the history of the situation.  "At first, I fought it. Babies are very boring and messy.  They eat, shit and sleep. Nothing redeeming in any of those."

Emmett laughed at Brian's description.  He had a large family back in Mississippi and had been around enough babies growing up to realize Brian's description was very accurate.

"Somewhere along the line, Gus became a little person.  He smiled and flung his body at me every time I visited.  He said ‘dada' as one of his first words which, can I say, made Linds mad as hell."  Brian smiled as he remembered Linds trying to get Gus to say ‘Mama' and he just kept repeating ‘dada'.  Mel tried to calm Linds but she would have nothing to do with it.  In her eagerness to have Brian involved in Gus' life, he apparently was choosing him over her.  

"Something about Gus saying my name made me realize I wanted him around.  As he's gotten older, I find that I enjoy spending time with him."

"Gus has always wanted to be with you.  At Deb's Sunday dinners, he's always telling everyone that he is sitting next to you.  But I still don't get the whole DNA thing.  If Linds has always pushed you to be in his life, why would you need DNA testing and a lawyer?"

"While Lindsay is a Lesbian, she still holds this fantasy that the three of us are some weird permutation of a family.  She is constantly asking for money for Gus and while I'm happy to support him and give her money, it seems that she thinks of me as the bank of Brian."

"Bank of Brian?  I'm still not following you."

"Lindsay frequently uses Gus as an excuse to get money from me. I believe that one of the main reasons she encouraged me to be in Gus' life was for me to support her. When she realizes that I'm stopping the cash flow, she'll likely attempt to keep Gus away from me until I resume the money flow. She'll use my sobriety as leverage, threatening to keep him away since I'm ‘dangerous' and ‘unsafe'."

Emmett listened and thought about Brian's revelations.  He knew Lindsay's background, she'd drop names about her connections on a regular basis.  He always thought it was pretentious and none of their ‘family' really cared about who knew who.  He could see that Lindsay liked nice things as she often talked about buying a new blouse at Larrimore's or Pavement, but he always found her affectation with dropping names out of place at the family dinners.  This was especially true since Deb's entire wardrobe consisted of stretch pants and T-shirts with double entendres.  Besides Melanie, there were no other women in their family and Deb probably had no idea what Linds was so thrilled about. 

"So you're saying that once the ‘bank of Brian" dries up, she'll try to use your sobriety as a reason you can't see Gus?  That's horrible."

"I knew you were smart," Brian said as he finished the last of his water.  Placing the bottle on the coaster, he said, "Michael is pushing me to go to Babylon, but I keep dodging him.  I've told him I'm not drinking, but he doesn't appear to hear what I'm saying."  Brian thought back to the last few conversations Michael and he had.  Michael did not seem to be listening to Brian's message about not drinking and going to Babylon.  It appeared to Brian that his main goal in life was hanging out with Brian.  He knew that he would eventually have to make some decisions about Michael, but for now, his efforts were concentrated on Gus and Lindsay. 

"Eventually, he'll get the message and the gay grapevine will know in a matter of hours.  Fast forward to Sunday dinner where it is sure to be a topic of conversation.  When Linds hears that I'm in AA, she'll try to use that to her advantage.  Since I have officially stopped giving any money to Linds for Gus, preferring to buy whatever he needs myself, she'll try to use my new sobriety as a way to keep Gus away from me.  In her twisted mind, maintaining access to Gus could be directly tied to my willingness to provide financial support."

Emmett nodded in understanding.  "So the DNA test and legal piece is your way to stop Lindsay before she can keep Gus away.  Bravo!!  Bravo!!.  No wonder you are so successful in business.  You are always two steps ahead of your competition."

"Right.  I don't want to fight Lindsay for custody.  I love Gus but full-time fatherhood is not something I've ever really contemplated.  But I do want to maintain my relationship with Gus and I want to spend more time with him.  Now that I'm not drinking and tricking, I've found that I have a lot of time on my hands."

Emmett picked up the bottle of water, twirling it in his hand.  He thought back to a few weeks earlier when Brian had told him that he was going to AA.  He remembered he thought about it for a few minutes, 5 at the most, but since it really didn't impact his interactions with him, he just filed the information.  He liked Brian and while they were not as close as he and Michael, he did consider him a friend.  "So the Incline?  Is this the new and improved Brian Kinney trying to fill his days?"

Brian nodded and thought back to his visit to the Incline with Justin.  He enjoyed it and that had sparked his request from Justin to help him learn about his city.  While Brian was perfectly capable of researching things to do and places to go, he found he enjoyed Justin's company and liked how he pushed him to be a better person.  After opening up to Emmett, he realized that Emmett could be helpful in his quest to figure out who the real Brian Kinney is.  

"My sponsor, Justin, suggested that I broaden my horizons.  Well, he really didn't put it that way.  He said that I needed to figure out what I liked to do and what my life might look like since I'm not drinking."

"I guess that goes back to the earlier part of our discussion when I asked you about dating?  Are you dating him?"

Brian instantly shook his head in denial.  "No.  I'm not dating him.  I'm not dating anyone.  It's discouraged for people in recovery to start any new relationships for at least 6 months.  I'm far away from that milestone, but I can't really see myself dating."  Brian stretched his hands above his head and rolled his head in a few circles.  

While he was used to sitting at a desk all day, he wasn't used to talking. He'd been going for coffee with Justin after most meetings, but they only talked about the discussion from the meeting.  It was different tonight.  He'd asked Emmett over for a specific reason, but they were really exploring a lot of topics at once. When he glanced at the clock on the microwave, he realized that they'd been talking for over an hour.  He couldn't remember ever talking with anyone for that long.  Any conversation that lasted more than 5 minutes typically involved selling a campaign to a client, or playing the good host and pretending to listen to a client at a restaurant or promotional dinner.  He couldn't ever remember wanting to talk either.  He realized that Emmett was a good listener, asking relevant questions, and trying to understand Brian's situation without passing judgment.  Emmett wasn't trying to win points, get money, or convince anyone that he was Brian's friend. It was new and Brian appreciated him for his candor.

"Justin is encouraging you to explore your world.  How exciting.  It's like you're 18 again and get to start over,"  Emmett said as he got a faraway look in his eyes.  "I remember leaving home right after my 18th birthday and hopping on the bus to Pittsburgh.  I didn't really have a destination in mind.  Pittsburgh was the farthest destination I could travel on the money I had.  I left Mississippi and arrived in Pittsburgh.  I was finally free to be Emmett Honeycutt.  I didn't have to listen to the bullies at school or my family about what a failure I was since I was a fag.  It was glorious to come out of my shell and just enjoy life.  I bet you can't wait."

Emmett's eyes twinkled with excitement and mirth.  He seemed to remember his arrival in Pittsburgh fondly.  

"I wish I had your enthusiasm.  I've been doing the same thing; going to Babylon and the bars, for so long, I don't even know where to start. I knew about the Incline, sort of remembered a field trip in school, that I was not allowed to take.  But Justin had to suggest a few things before I could even choose.  I've lived in this city all my life and yet I know so little about it."  Brian stood up and walked to his balcony window.  He had a gorgeous view of the Philadelphia area.  The multitude of lights twinkling in the background spoke to the activity in the city, even at this hour of the night.  It was a beautiful panorama of the city, one that Brian realized he rarely took the time to enjoy.  He'd bought the loft due to its location and he remembered the realtor waxing on about the view and the great investment he was making since the area was up and coming.  He bought the loft with his first bonus, rewarding himself for the long hours he'd put in.  It was a sign for him that he was successful.  Unlike his father who frequently asked Brian for money, and expected him to buy a few rounds, Brian was not in debt to anyone.  

"I guess you're right.  I get to reinvent myself.  I bought this place to show how successful I was.  I filled it with high-end furniture and the latest electronics, but these are all things.  I have no idea who I am.  Justin has tasked me to figure that out.  He says that until I figure out who I am and what I want, I'm vulnerable."

"Justin sounds like a smart guy.  I look forward to meeting him one day.  But if you ever want some ideas about the city, I have a few must-see places.  I'd be happy to share my knowledge.  I know you and Gus will enjoy the Incline.  It is one of my favorite places.  I can always scrape together a few bucks to get to the top."  Emmett smiled his toothy grin. 

"Let me know how things are going with the legal side.  I imagine it could get nasty.  And if you ever decide to go back to Babylon or Woody's, I'm willing to keep you away from the bar,"  Emmett said.  He took his and Brian's empty water bottles and placed them on the kitchen island.  Turning to Brian, he said, "I loved making pizza with Gus. I can come over and do it again."  Emmett picked up the reusable bags that he used to bring the groceries to Brian's house.  "See you on Sunday at Deb's.  Have fun at the Incline."

He walked to the door, opening it and walking toward the elevator.  

Brian watched Emmett leave and took a deep breath.  He really was changing.  He'd just spent the last three hours with Gus and Emmett and he wasn't itching to get decked out to pick up 3 or 4 tricks or drown his uncertainty in booze.

It was still early and even though Gus usually woke up earlier than he would choose, he wasn't ready to go to bed.  He sat down on the couch, grabbed the remote, and flipped through the channels until he found an old James Dean movie to watch.  Laughing at his choice, he realized he did actually know something about himself.  He'd rather watch James Dean in a movie he'd seen 10 times, than watch some lame movie he'd never heard of.  Turning off the hamsters in his brain, he tried to concentrate on the movie.  When the credits rolled an hour later, he turned off the tv, checked the lock on the front door, and got ready for bed.  Tomorrow was sure to be something new.

TBC

Gus was up early, just as his dad had predicted.  He was self-sufficient and could get dressed and make some basic foods for himself. His dad said they would need to leave by 9:30 in order to get to the lab.  It was close to 8:00 now and he thought he should wake his dad so they could go to the diner for breakfast.  Brian really didn't keep much food in his home as Emmett had commented on yesterday.  While he could cook, he didn't find it an especially pleasing activity, as Emmett did. Brian was perfectly fine with carryout.  He started his day with a Guava Juice smoothie, attempting to get a few vitamins.  Even with the smoothie, he found himself at the diner eating breakfast with his makeshift family on most workday mornings.  

Gus always looked forward to spending time with his father.  His father was very different from his moms.  While his mothers always seemed to be running errands, grocery shopping or cleaning the house, his dad rarely had a list of things that he needed to do on the weekend.  Gus wondered when his dad did those things.  His loft was always clean, no random shoe without its mate or newspaper lying around. When he thought about it, his dad had a very specific place for all of his stuff.  When he walked in the door, his mail went on the corner of the kitchen island, his shoes were left on the small rug by the door and his keys and briefcase were placed by his desk in the corner of the room. If his dad had picked him up from his work, the first thing he did was to change into jeans and a wife-beater, but Gus noticed that he always hung up his suit, never just leaving it on the floor like his moms did with their work clothes.  He never saw a stack of mail, like at his home.  He wondered if his dad did not get much mail or did he do something else with it.  

He sat on the sofa in the living area and looked around the loft.  He'd never really thought about spending more time with his dad until his dad mentioned the test this morning and the legal stuff.  It excited him that his dad was taking this step to guarantee he could see him.  He'd heard several of his school friends talk about their parent's divorces and how they often felt like a possession rather than their child.  His friend Tommy said that his parents still argued over whose turn it was to have him for the weekend and who should take him to which activity.  Tommy said sometimes he felt like his parents weren't really arguing about him, but still fighting over the divorce.  With his dad, it was different since he was never married to his mom.  None of his friends' parents would have to go to court to prove who their father was.  He couldn't wait until his dad said he could tell them.  He felt that they would all be jealous that his dad would go to that much effort.  

Emmett had been right when he commented that Brian did not have much food in his home.  His stomach growled as he walked back to the bedroom.  Gently touching his father's shoulder as he whispered, "Dad.  It's close to 8:00.  You need to get up so we can go to the diner for breakfast."  

Brian opened his eyes and said, "Okay.  I'll grab a quick shower and be ready in about 15 minutes."  

Gus said, "Okay." and left the room, returning to the couch.  He picked up the remote and flipped to Cartoon Network and watched Adventure Time.  He and his friends had recently discovered the show and loved watching it.  While his mothers didn't allow him to watch a lot of TV; his dad didn't have a time limit on his tv watching.  Even so, he and his father usually were busy doing other things so TV watching wasn't very frequent.  While his father rarely worked when he was around, occasionally there was a deadline or some emergency that he had to address. During those times, Gus sometimes played a video game or watched tv.  He'd just finished the episode, having started in the middle of it, when his dad came out of the bedroom.  

"Ready?" Brian asked.

Gus turned off the tv and said, "Sure.  I'm hungry and I'm excited about the Incline."

Oftentimes, they walked to the diner, but since they had other places to go and had a strict deadline, they drove.  Brian parked the car just a few spaces away from the diner's entrance.  After all, it was Saturday morning and most of the people who frequented Liberty Avenue were still asleep from their Friday night revelry.  They walked into the diner, the familiar doorbell sounding as they entered. 

Debbie yelled out, "Take a seat." without turning to look at the new customers. She placed two plates on the table of the booth in the back of the diner.  "Here you go," she said, turning around to see who walked in the door.

"Brian, Gus.  You guys are out early today," she said across the diner, not bothering with making the observation in a private manner.  In any other place or with any other waitress, Brian would have taken offense at the lack of etiquette but he ignored her yelling across the diner in stride, and motioned for Gus to sit in the booth toward the middle of the restaurant.  

Debbie walked over to the booth and smiled.  "Gus, you are looking more like Brian every day.  So what brings you two out this early in the morning?"

"Deb, we're here to eat breakfast.  Isn't that why people come to the diner?" Brian said. 

"Everyone knows that you have no food in your loft.  I guess when you have Gus you have to feed him," Deb said, giving the familiar excuse for Brian eating at the Diner.

"I have food.  In fact, Emmett came over last night and he and Gus made pizza.  He put the leftovers in the fridge," Brian said, tongue in cheek.  He knew that his "family" knew he didn't cook and it was always a source of gentle teasing among them.  

"I'm glad you're not feeding Gus leftover pizza.  He's a growing boy," she said as she eyed the boy sitting opposite his father.  Gus had inherited Brian's eyes and facial structure as well as his athletic abilities.  Lindsay was often telling everyone how adept he was at soccer and in school.  

"My friend, Jonathan eats pizza for breakfast. He says it's really good," Gus said.

"Either way, since you are here, I guess leftover pizza wasn't on your menu for breakfast.  Do you know what you want to order?" Debbie said as she got out her pen and pad of paper from her apron.

"I'll have an egg-white omelet with wheat toast and coffee," said Brian.

"I'll have the pancakes with a sunny side up egg and chocolate milk," Gus said.

"Coming right up," Debbie said as she walked back toward the kitchen and placed the ticket on the clip.

Since the diner wasn't busy, their food was delivered pretty quickly.  Gus poured syrup on his pancakes and cut into the small stack.  "These are great."

They ate in silence, each of them contemplating their upcoming day. Brian was thinking about how Justin and Gus would get along while Gus was thinking about what it would be like to spend more time with his father.

Debbie came over to give them the bill, laying it on the table.  "So what have you guys got planned for today?"

Gus said, "We're going to the Incline."

"The Incline.  Wow.  I haven't been there in years.  I wonder if it has changed.  Pittsburgh has grown a lot since I last went."

"I'll tell you all about it tomorrow at Sunday dinner," Gus said, excited to share his novel experience.  Even if the Incline was boring, it would be something he could talk about.  He liked it when he had something cool to talk about.  Since he and his sister were the only children in the group, they often didn't have much to contribute to the conversation.  Usually, the adults asked about school or sports.  

"I'll look forward to it," Debbie said as the bell rang announcing a new order was ready.  "I better go deliver that food before it gets cold."

Brian picked up the bill, laid a $10.00 bill for a tip on the table, and walked to the front of the diner to pay for the ticket.  They left the diner and drove to the lab.

When they got to the lab, Brian signed in and they sat in the waiting room.  His name was called within 5 minutes.  The receptionist asked him a few questions about Gus and Brian handed her the letter from the lawyer.  

"Will you call with the results or will you send me a letter?"

"Mr. Kinney, we do both.  The letter can be used as a legal document so we send it as well as notify the interested parties.  I noticed that you have requested to be notified.  Is there anyone else that needs the information?"  The receptionist asked.

"No.  I understand that the results are available in 3-4 days.  Is that right?"

"Yes.  You should hear from us by Thursday of next week.  Is the 456-555-5555 number a good one to reach you on?"

"Yes, that number is a good one. If I don't answer, will you leave a message?"

The receptionist picked up the forms that Brian had filled out, scanning them for the permission section.  "You marked that it was okay to leave a message. So, yes, we will leave a message."  She marked that area with a red pen, circling the phone number.  "You and Gus can come back now."

Brian motioned for Gus to come with him and they followed the receptionist to one of the rooms.  Gus sat in one chair and Brian sat in the other.  The receptionist laid the paperwork on the small table in the corner.  "The technician will be with you in a moment." She walked out the door, closing it behind her.

A few minutes later, a man in blue scrubs came into the room.  "Good morning."  He picked up the paperwork and read through it quickly.  "I'm going to do a DNA sample. I'm just going to swab your cheek and put it in a tube."  He opened a drawer with slotted areas and picked up two individually wrapped swabs from the drawer.  He put on sterile gloves and then opened one of the tubes and a swab. Turning to Gus, he said, "Open your mouth and I'll swirl the swab on your cheek and then put it in this tube." He pointed to a tube with a blue cap beside it that he had laid on the table beside him. He swabbed the inside of Gus' cheek and then placed the swab in the tube.  He took off the gloves and used hand sanitizer before repeating the process with Brian.  He checked the label on both tubes, ensuring that they matched.  "Kinney G and Kinney B," he said.  Is that right?

"Yes," Brian said.  

"Okay, you're done.  You'll have the results in a few days.  Have a great day."  He left the room with the tubes and left the door open.

"They can tell if you're my dad just from a swab on the inside of my cheek? That is really cool.  How do they do that, Dad?"

"Let's go to the car and I'll explain.  I'm sure they need the room for the next patient," Brian said as he motioned for Gus to follow him.

When they were walking to the car, Brian was pleased that he had done a little research before the visit this morning. Science was not a particular interest for him; although he did remember fondly the incident in high school where he managed to put glue on the teacher's seat in the chemistry lab.  

"Gus, do you know what DNA is?"

"No."

Brian blew out a breath realizing the conversation was a little more complicated than he had anticipated. Gus was at an age where he wanted to understand why things were the way there and how things worked.  He was glad he had the forethought to do a little reading before now.  

The appointment hadn't taken longer than 10 minutes and they weren't supposed to meet Justin until after 11:00, so they had a lot of time to kill.  When they were driving to the appointment this morning, Brian had spotted a park with a pond a few blocks away. It was a nice day, the sun was shining, and it wasn't too hot; so he started walking toward the park.  He could show Gus how to skip stones in the pond. 

"You know how people tell you that you look like me, that's because you're my son.  Every kid has a part of their mother and their father in their body, " Brian said as he tried to compose his next sentence.  He had not intended to give Gus the "sex talk" but he realized that he might have to do just that.  He took a deep breath and tried to start his explanation again.

"We learned about sex in school, dad.  I know how babies get here," Gus said, trying to make his father less uncomfortable.  He could hear in his voice that Brian was a little uneasy with the topic.

"Okay. Great.  Every body is made up of cells and the cells have information in them about the person.  When babies are made, the information from the mom and the information from the dad merge to make a person.  That is why you look like me but have wavier hair like your mom.  You got some of the information from both of us.  The information is called DNA.  Since it takes a man's sperm and a woman's egg to make a baby, the baby has parts of both parents in them.  When the technician swabbed our cheeks, they do a test to see if both of us share the same information."

Gus thought for a moment, trying to digest the information.  "So, every part of me is a part of you?  That is so cool"

"That's how it works.  But you are also a part of Lindsay.  Her DNA is just as much a part of you as mine is."  Brian knew he had given Gus a very watered-down version of the test, but he was not going into the science of it all.  "If you want to learn more about it, we can do some research on the computer."

"That would be so great.  I knew I looked like you and I always wondered why I didn't look like Mama Mel, but now I know."

They walked toward the pond and Brian looked on the ground for a stone.  "Have you ever skipped stones?"  Brian asked, glad that his explanation seemed to pass muster with Gus.  While he had taken biology in school and understood about reproduction and cells, he hadn't paid a lot of attention to the topic since he already knew he was gay and at that time, had no intention of ever reproducing. He liked men; and he only paid enough attention to the information to pass the test.  He couldn't remember if he'd met Lindsay by the time he took Biology in college, but even if he had, the notion of having a child with her never crossed his mind.  

"What is skipping stones?" Gus asked as he followed his father to the small lake.

Brian leaned down and picked up a small stone from the edge of the lake and gently threw it so it skipped across the water.  The stone skipped several times.  "I used to be able to skip 5 or 6 times before the stone would sink." He looked around the ground for a suitable stone and then gave it to Gus.  "Here, hold the stone-like so and gently cock your wrist back, then give your wrist a quick flip."  Brian demonstrated the correct hold and move to Gus. After placing the rock in his hand he said, "Practice holding it and pretending to throw it."  After several trials, Brian said, "Great.  Now throw it toward the water and pitch it down as you throw."  Gus threw the stone and it skipped once and then fell into the lake.

"That was cool.  Can we try again?" Gus said.

"Sure.  Why don't you look for 2 or 3 stones and I'll do the same."

They located the stones fairly quickly and practiced their skipping.  "Where did you learn to do that, Dad?  It doesn't seem like something you would do."

"When I was about your age I used to go to the park by my house and spend time skipping stones.  I had a good friend named Tommy who used to meet me there and we would have skipping contests.  He moved away in 5th grade and I don't think I've done it since then, until today.  I guess it's like riding a bike, something you never forget."

"Thanks for showing me. I'm sure the moms have never skipped rocks.  Somehow, I can't picture Mom getting her hands dirty, and Momma Mel would probably think it was a waste of time."  Gus tried to imagine his mothers skipping stones and he could not do so.  He had a hard time envisioning them as children much less doing anything like skipping stones.

After all their stones were in the lake, Brian said, "It's time to call Justin and head toward the Incline.  Are you still okay with the plan?"  While Brian really wanted Gus to like Justin, and the two of them to get along, he did not want to force him to spend time with him if he wasn't comfortable.  

"Sure.  I've never been to the Incline and I guess if you think this Justin guy is cool, I'm sure he is."

Brian took out his phone and scrolled down to Justin's name, and then pushed the icon.  

"Brian.  Perfect timing.  I just finished my appointment with my agent.  She is really happy with the new pieces that I showed her. Where are you and your son?  It's 11:00 now and It will take me about half an hour to get to the Incline.  Are we still on for today?"

"I just finished teaching Gus how to skip stones.  We are about a half-hour away too.  Why don't we meet at the Incline, go up and then we'll enjoy the view.  I'm sure it is different during the day time."

"Sounds good.  See you in a bit."  Justin said as he put his phone in his pocket.  He was excited about today.  He was thrilled that Brian was interested in learning about their city and he was looking forward to meeting Brian's son.  His son was the reason Brian decided to stop drinking, and he was eager to meet the young man who had that much influence in Brian's life.

When Brian and Gus arrived, he looked around and did not see Justin. "Justin's not here yet, but I'll go buy the tickets."  Pointing toward the hillside, Brian said, "That's the Incline.  It's a trolley car that goes up the mountain."

"That looks really cool.  I don't know what Justin looks like."

"He's about 5'9" and has blonde hair. I'm not sure how old he is, but I'd say a little younger than me."

Before Gus could respond to Brian's description, he heard someone call out to Brian.

The man looked a little younger than his dad and was dressed in jeans and a T-shirt.  

Brian turned toward the shout and smiled when he saw Justin.  While there could have been someone else calling his name, he doubted he would run into any of the "family" here on a Saturday morning.  He raised his hand to wave him over.

Justin walked quickly toward Brian and a young boy that was standing next to him.  As he walked toward them, he realized that it must be Gus, Brian's son as he looked like a miniature version of his father.  When he reached them, he held out his hand to Gus and said, "You must be Gus.  I'm Justin."  

Gus shook Justin's hand as he looked at the man a little closer.  Gus wasn't shy, but he really wasn't sure what to say.

Brian said, "I bought the tickets.  I wasn't sure how busy it would get on a Saturday.  You're the one who might know that information."  Brian grinned at Justin, gently teasing him for his suggestion.

"I come here at all times of the day and night.  As I said the other night, it inspires me. I always see something new every time I come up here."   Turning toward Gus, he asked, "Gus, have you ever been on the Incline?"

"No.  I didn't even know what it was. Dad had to tell me," Gus said.

Justin smiled, thinking of Brian telling his son about the Incline shortly after they went together.  He was glad to see Brian was interested in exploring their city.  "Your Dad and I came here a few days ago and he thought you would enjoy it."

"Is it scary going up the mountain?" Gus asked, wondering if he really would like the adventure.

"No. The only way you really know that you're going up the mountain is to look out the windows.  You don't really feel like your riding up the side of a mountain."

Gus wasn't really scared; he was curious.  He liked that Justin talked to him.  When he went places with his mothers, his mothers talked to their friends and he was often bored. He'd never met a friend of his fathers and was happy that Justin acknowledged him. He had been a little concerned that he would not like his dad's new friend, but Justin seemed okay.  At least he didn't ignore him or pretend he wasn't there.  When he was with his mom, her friends would ask him about school and then turn their attention to his mother.  Justin just called out to his father but started talking to him right away. He liked that he was included.  

"Dad, can we ride the Incline now?  Justin is here."

"Sure.  We go over to that area to ride to the top.  It is getting a little busy, so when we get in, see if you can grab a window seat so you can see better."

"Dad, this is really cool.  I recognize stuff, but I never realized that it was here in the Pitts," Gus said as he looked at the window.  Their ride was only 10 minutes.  Brian was happy to see Gus was so interested in the view and that he recognized some of the landmarks.  While Brian did not have any particular love for the Pitts, he did think the view from the Incline was definitely worth the trip up the mountain.  

When they got to the top, the three of them walked around to the observation area.  Brian pointed out several bridges and landmarks.  

"So what did you think, Gus?  Was that fun?" Justin asked him.  He wanted to engage him in conversation.  He thought that Brian would enjoy exploring the city with Gus. If he got to know Gus a little better, he'd be able to suggest activities that the two of them could do together.  "I wish I had my camera.  I could show the kids at school.  What are we going to do now, Dad?"

Brian took out his phone, handing it to Gus.  "Here, take some pictures with my phone.  We can print them out if you want." Brian said.

"I often take pictures of things that I might want to paint later.  Sometimes I just look at them for inspiration," Justin said.  He watched Gus swipe to the camera on Brian's phone.  "Would you like some pointers?  Different perspectives make unique photos."

Gus looked at his dad for his approval, not wanting to offend him by accepting Justin's offer.

Brian nodded at his son and smiled at Justin for his suggestion.  Justin did not know that Gus loved photography and was currently taking a class at the GLC.  He thought this was the perfect way for Justin to gain Gus' approval. 

"Gus, can you hand me the phone so I can look at the options on the camera.  Then I can make some suggestions."

Gus handed Justin the phone and he opened the camera icon, reviewing the different options that the phone offered.  It was a very sunny day so they had to keep that in mind when they were taking pictures. Justin handed the phone back to Gus. 

Justin squatted down so he was the same height as Gus and opened the camera app.  "So, if I push this icon it makes the pictures black and white and this one you can use to change the lens to focus in on an object," Justin took the phone and shot a few shots of Gus and opened the galley to show him the difference.

"My camera doesn't do half that stuff.  Can I get a phone so I can take pictures anywhere?  That would be so cool." Gus asked Brian as he flipped back and forth to the pictures Justin had taken. 

Brian said, "Maybe.  Your mothers would not be very happy that I bought you a phone."  He could hear Lindsay in his head telling him that he was spoiling Gus and that 10 year- olds didn't need a phone.   "Perhaps, we can buy one for you to use when you are staying with me. We can take it with us as we explore Pittsburgh"  The idea of the three of them exploring Pittsburgh together made Brian smile.  With Gus' love of photography and Justin's knowledge of the city, it would take months to exhaust all there was to see.  Perhaps, he would discover his own hobby as they explored the city.

"Justin has offered to be my tour guide of Pittsburgh.  When you are staying with me, the three of us can explore together.  Perhaps Justin would be willing to give you more pointers on photography.  He's an artist and has a good eye for looking at things."

Gus smiled and gave Brian a hug.  "That would be so cool.  The moms never have time to take me places so I can practice.  Can we go look for a phone today?"  

Brian shook his head.  "No.  I want some time to do a little research. When we get back to the loft, we'll research it together.  While all phones have cameras today, there are some that are much better than others."

"Okay," Gus said, accepting his father's logic, even if he didn't like the answer.  His father always explained why he made the decisions he did.  Unlike his mothers who usually just told him to do something because they said so.  

"But you are welcome to use my camera today.  It sounds like Justin is willing to give you a few lessons now."

"Can you show me a few things now, Justin?" Gus asked, bolstered by his dad's suggestion.

"Sure.  Let's practice taking a picture of the tree,"  Justin said pointing to a large Oak tree a few feet from them.

"A tree?  That is really boring. Everyone knows what a tree looks like," Gus said, a little disappointed at his lesson.  

Justin said, "Every picture has a story to tell.  Open up the camera app and choose black and white. Then take a picture of the tops of the tree.  Then do it again in normal light."

Gus did as he was instructed and then opened the pictures in the gallery.  "Wow.  It doesn't even look like the same tree.  The black and white make it so different."

"Right.  Let's take a few more pictures using different settings and then give your dad back his phone.  We can take more pictures later," Justin said as he looked at Brian.  He saw Brian was smiling widely, something he didn't think he had ever seen on the man.  He was thrilled with the opportunity to offer Gus some pointers and it appeared that Brian's fears were unfounded.  Gus appeared to like him.  

Gus and Justin took several more pictures of the tree and then Gus brought the phone back to his father.  "See dad," he said pointing to the gallery.  "Justin showed me how just changing the colors, the pictures change a lot.  I can't wait to see if my camera at home has some of these settings. Can I show everybody the pictures tomorrow at Sunday dinner?"

The mention of Sunday dinner sent a chill through Brian.  He knew Gus would want to share that Brian's friend, Justin, had shown him the techniques. However, mention of Justin would send huge red flags to all the "family" including Lindsay.  If Gus mentioned Justin, then the family would want to know who Justin was and that would lead to acknowledging Brian's participation in AA.  Brian wasn't ready to do that until the DNA test was completed.  

Gus had been so excited to have something to share at Sunday dinner and had told Debbie that he would tell her all about it. "Gus you can show everybody your pictures, but remember no mention of the DNA test.  You have to leave Justin out of the conversation too.  If you mention Justin, then everyone will be curious who he is.  I don't want the family to know about my AA meetings until we have the DNA test back."

Gus listened to his dad.  "So I can show the pictures but not mention that your friend Justin helped me take them?  I guess my moms would be just as surprised as I was when you mentioned that we were meeting Justin.  They've known you a lot longer than me and would probably ask a lot of questions about him."

"Right.  So, you can show them the pictures, just keep Justin out of the conversation," Brian said.  He was glad that Gus was 10 and could keep a secret.

"So what are we going to do now?  Is there a place nearby that we can take more cool pictures, Justin?" Gus asked, hoping that Justin knew a place they could go.

Brian hadn't really thought about the remainder of their day.  When he and Justin came here, it was later in the evening, after their meeting, and he had to be at work in the morning.  There hadn't been a lot of time for them to hang out.

Brian turned to Justin, "You're the tour guide.  What do you suggest?"

"That depends on what you like.  There is the Carnegie Science Center or the Carnegie Museum of Natural History. If you like being on the river, there is Riverquest, an educational cruise.  We could hit up the Andy Warhol Museum if you like art.  If it's history you want, the Fort Pitt Museum is close by or we could go to the History Center. Inside the History Center is the Sports Museum.  There is shopping too, but I doubt Gus would like to search the shops down here."

Brian wasn't sure about any of the options Justin suggested as he was not used to being a tourist.  He looked at Gus and said, "What sounds good to you,Sonny boy?"

"I vote for the Science Center.  We went there for a field trip in school last year, but we only got to stay for a little bit.  There were so many cool things in there.  There was this ropes course, but we didn't have time to do it and the teachers said we had to have signed permission from our parents.  That would be really awesome."

"Okay, Science Center it is," Brian said, wondering if he would regret that decision.  A ropes course didn't exactly sound like something he would try.

Gus looked at Justin, "Are you coming too?"  He wanted Justin to come. 

"I've got nothing that I need to do, today.  So, if it is alright with Brian, I'll come.  I haven't been to the Science Center in a really long time.  Where did you park? If I remember correctly, it's a really busy place.  We could catch the T-Plus as the Allegheny Station is right next door."

Brian cringed at the thought of taking the subway but remembered the last time he took a client to a Pirates game and the nightmare parking situation.  "Okay. I'm sure parking is a nightmare.  Sonny boy lets go to the Science Center."  They walked to a bus stop and the three of them arrived a short time later.

"Jesus.  Is it always this busy?  The parking lot is filled," Brian said, thinking how many people would be inside.

"I'm not sure.  I haven't been in years," Justin said.

"Dad, can we grab something to eat before we start.  I'm hungry."

"Sure.  Let's go inside.  With a place this big, I'm sure they have a cafe."

After walking in and paying the entrance fee, Brian grabbed a map and located the RiverView cafe.  "This way," he pointed and the three of them walked toward the cafe.  The menu was posted on the board behind the cashier. As they walked to the cashier, Brian said, "At least it's not all burgers and fries.  I can eat a salad.  Chances are, it's a better salad than I would get at the Liberty Diner."

Gus was in the front and he ordered a burger and fries.  "Can I have a milkshake, Dad?"

"No.  You had one yesterday.  Water, apple juice, or milk are your options."

"Okay.  Juice please," Gus said.  He then moved aside so Brian could order.  

"Salad with baked chicken.  Dressing on the side and an ice tea."

"That will be $13.00," the cashier said.

Brian took out his credit card and the cashier swiped it.

Justin walked up to the counter and ordered.  "I'll have pepperoni pizza and a Coke."  He handed his credit card over and the cashier swiped it also.

As they moved down the line, they were given a number on a placard and told that their number would be called and then they could get their food.  

Even though the Science Center was packed, they were able to locate a table toward the back.  Brian opened up a map of the center, laying it on the table so everyone could see.  "It's 12:30 now, and they close at 5:00.  It will take us about half an hour to eat.  Gus, we can't do everything, so take a look and decide 3 things you want to see.  We can always come back another time," Brian said as he turned the map towards Gus. 

Gus looked at the map and saw the options.  "Wow, dad. This place is amazing. I want to do it all.  Can we go to the Ropes challenge first and then Spaceplace and the Sun, Earth thing sounds cool too?"  

Their food was brought to the table and Brian folded the map.  "Let's eat and we'll head to the ropes course.  There might be a line, but we'll try that place first."

Gus popped a few fries into his mouth and drank some juice.  "Justin, my dad said he's an alcoholic.  Is that right?"

Justin was not expecting to have Gus ask him about Brian's drinking but he guessed it made sense.  "Gus, what do you think?"

"He's my dad and he never lies to me.  So if he says he is, I guess he is.  It's just that I've never seen him drunk and he only has a few beers at my soccer game or at Sunday dinner.  In the DARE program, they teach us about alcohol, but it's not the same."

Justin could see Gus' struggle with the information.  "What do they tell you at school?"

"They tell us to stay away from alcohol and drugs.  The teachers say that there are good and bad drugs and that you should only take good drugs. They talk about drinking too."

"So you are a little confused?"

"Sort of.  I mean the teachers tell us drinking is bad but I see everybody around me drinking.  No one is ever drunk.  Although I'm not really sure what that looks like.  I mean, no one in the family is going to come up to me and say, 'hey Gus, I'm drunk'."  

"You're wondering what drunk looks like and trying to imagine your dad like that," Justin said, trying to hone in on Gus's questions.

"Yeah, I guess.  When dad and I talked last night, all I could think about was that he was going to court so he could continue to see me.  Then, this morning, I was sitting on the couch and had time to think.  He said he was an alcoholic and that mom would try to use that information to keep me away from him.  That was pretty scary,"  Gus said.  He stopped to take a bite of his burger and ate a few more fries.  He was hungry and the food smelled so good.  

"I started wondering what that meant and what being drunk looked like. I know that my dad would never hurt me, but when he said he wrecked his jeep because he was drinking, I got scared."

Justin nodded and let Gus eat some more of his food before responding.  He remembered having a conversation with his sister, Molly after he got sober. She was older than Gus, but it was her first exposure to the recovery world. It scared her when she found out all the risky things that he had done before he became sober.  He took several bites of his pizza as well and drank some Coke.  The food wasn't too bad for a museum.

"Tell me about being scared," Justin said, encouraging Gus.

Brian listened to the conversation as he ate his salad.  He was glad that Justin was willing to answer Gus's questions.  He didn't realize that Gus needed more time to talk about the subject, but he knew that Gus felt comfortable asking him things, so he felt that Gus would have eventually talked to him about these issues.  

"It made me scared that my dad could have died when he wrecked his jeep and I would have never known the reason."

"It's scary for you to know that your dad could be hurt and you want him safe?"

"Yeah."  Gus turned toward Brian.  "Dad, don't drink and drive again.  I want you around for a long time."

Brian's heart ached when Gus talked.  "Sonny boy.  I decided that I never want to be in that position again.  That is why I started attending AA.  Justin is helping me stay sober."  Brian reached out and ruffled Gus' hair and Gus smiled.

"Justin, I'm glad you are helping my dad.  What do you do to help him?"

"We attend a special meeting called Alcoholics Anonymous. We go every day.  At the meetings, the people talk about their drinking and how to make their lives better so they don't drink.  After the meetings, I and your Dad talk about how to make his life better."  Justin tried to explain AA in a way that wasn't too technical.  He'd done a lot of reading over the last year regarding how AA works and for him, he felt that the ability to work through his fears and coping mechanisms with a group of people who were experiencing the same issues was effective.  

"So does everybody have someone like you assigned to them?"

"I'm his sponsor.  I volunteered to help him.  It's really common for someone who has been sober for a long time to help others become sober."

"So part of your job is to show him the city?  I want to be a sponsor so I can learn more about the Pitts,"  Gus said, thinking that he could help his dad and explore the city at the same time.  

"No, every sponsor isn't a tour guide."

"I asked Justin to show me the city. I didn't know where to start.  I spend time with you every few weeks, but I'm hoping to spend more time together."  Brian said, entering in the conversation.  He could see that Justin was handling Gus' questions very easily, but as the conversation got more personal as to why Justin was here, Brian decided to chime in.

"I decided if I explored our city, it would give me some places to take you and also it might help me come up with some ideas of things I'd like to explore on my own.  I know you've heard the guys talk about going to Woody's and Babylon.  Remember how Uncle Mikey came over a few weeks ago wanting me to go with him?"

"Yes.  That is the place that all of you go dancing,"  Gus said, having deduced that much from the many Sunday dinners he's attended.

"Yes we go there to dance, but that is where I also went to drink.  Since I'm not drinking anymore, I haven't been to Babylon. Right now, I go to meetings every night and that keeps me busy,  But eventually, I may not attend meetings every night and I'm going to need to figure out what to do with my time."  Brian had finished his salad and saw that Gus and Justin had finished their meals as well.  He gathered up the trays and trash, piling it on one tray.

"Gus, if you want to do any of the activities, I suggest we continue this talk later," Brian said.

"Okay.  I just have one last thing to say.  Justin, I'm glad you are helping my dad.  I don't really get the meeting stuff, so maybe we can talk about it later, but I think it would be great if you could show him the city so he finds new things to do.  I hope you can teach me more photography stuff too."  Gus took the trays from the table and walked them toward the trash can.  

"Thanks for talking to him.  I didn't realize he was scared.  I guess you have Gus' seal of approval.  If you have someplace to go, feel free to leave.  I'll see you tomorrow at the meeting."

"Brian, I'm glad that Gus liked me.  He seems like a great kid and he obviously cares for you a lot.  I don't have anything I need to do so I will hang out with you guys for a while.  I might even try my hand at the ropes course."

"Thanks," Brian said as Gus returned to the table.  "Let's go.  I heard a kid tell his mom that the ropes course already has a 45-minute wait.  Maybe we can get tickets or something so we don't have to stand in line."

They walked to the ropes course and were able to get tickets to return at a predetermined time.  They visited Spaceplace and then returned to the course at the allotted time.  Justin joined Gus on the course while Brian watched.  Afterward, they returned to Spaceplace as there were many activities that Gus had not had an opportunity to try.  Soon, it was 4:45 and time for them to leave.

"Let's go to the station and get back to our cars. We have to grab dinner, Gus.  I texted your mom earlier and told her we would be later than 5:00, but I told her I would have you home before bedtime,"  Brian said

"I'm headed to my studio.  I'll see you tomorrow, Brian."  They walked to the station and the subway was packed so they couldn't really talk.  When they exited and walked toward their cars, Justin said, "It was nice spending the day with you, Gus.  Maybe next time we meet you'll have a phone of your own."  Justin made a fist and fist-bumped with Gus.  

"I can't wait.  Maybe I can come back to Dad's next weekend.  I think I heard my moms talk about something they wanted to go to on Saturday. I'll have Dad see if I can come here instead."

"See you tomorrow, Justin," Brian said as he turned toward their car.

When they were on their way back to Brian's loft, Gus said, "Thanks for taking me to the Incline and Science Center.  I had a lot of fun.  Justin is really cool.  I like him and I'm glad that he is helping you out. We have some leftover pizza.  Can we eat that and look at phones before you take me home?"

"Sounds like a plan," Brian said.  He was pleased with the day and couldn't wait till tomorrow to see Justin again.  

TBC

Brian brought Gus home, albeit a little later than normal and Lindsay greeted them at the door.  

"Gus, go get ready for bed.  It's late," Lindsay said, as she waived her hand towards the stairs.  

Gus reached out his arms to give his father a hug.  "I had a great time today, Dad."  He motioned for him to lean down so he could whisper in his ear.  "Remember to ask mom about next Saturday."  Smiling, he walked up the stairs toward the bathroom.

Lindsay closed the door and motioned Brian toward the living room.  He sat down on the beige couch and she sat in the adjacent matching chair.  He sank into the cushions, thinking that their couch really needed to be replaced.  Prior to a few days ago, he probably would have offered Lindsay the money to buy a new one, but then he remembered his visit to the school.  

How many things had he paid for in this home?  He wondered what Mel and Lindsay spent their money on as it was obvious it wasn't on things for Gus and from the shape of their furnishings it wasn't on those either. He knew that Lindsay relied on him way too much to pay for things that had nothing to do with Gus.  Since he had decided that he was no longer giving her money directly for Gus, he knew his decision would have consequences on their finances.  He felt guilty for a few moments, but then reminded himself that Lindsay and Melanie both had good paying jobs and really should be able to support themselves on their salaries.  

"Would you like some tea?" She asked, ever the hostess, and always wanting him to stay for a visit.  

"No.  I'm only staying long enough to tuck Gus in for the night."

"Just curious Brian, what were you guys doing that made you so late?  You're usually here right at 5:00 so you can get ready for an evening out.  I know Babylon doesn't really get going until at least 10:00, but I assume you go work out and maybe do a little work before you go."

Brian hadn't expected Lindsay questioning their late arrival.  He understood that he was changing his interactions with Gus and willingly spending more time with him.  This was in anticipation of a positive court decision which had been 99% assured.  He wanted to try out spending more time with Gus in addition to trying to figure out what he wanted to do with his life.  If today was any indication, the extra time would be great for both of them.  In fact, if Justin was willing to act as tour guide, it would open up a lot of avenues for them to explore.  Brian realized he liked the idea of Justin spending time with the two of them, teaching and showing them about their city.

"We started at the Incline and then I took him to the Science Center. Since the Science Center is on the other side of town, it took a while to get back here, and I knew Gus would be hungry.  He burned a lot of calories doing the ropes course. We stopped for dinner after we left the Science Center."

"You let him do the ropes course?  That is so dangerous, Brian," Lindsay said, alarmed that Brian would let Gus do the activity.

"Lindsay, the staff put him in all these harnesses and there are at least 6 inches of thick matting underneath the course.  If it was dangerous, they wouldn't let so many people do it.  We had to wait almost an hour for his turn," Brian said.  He was not really surprised at Lindsay's reaction, but it still made him mad.  Gus was a boy who liked to try things.  It was better to try them in the safety of his father's view, than to do some of the things that Brian did as a boy when he was Gus' age.  He remembered climbing trees when he was Gus' age. And there were no mats underneath to catch him if he fell.  

"I trust you to be safe with him.  I don't know if I can continue to let him spend time with you if you let him do things like that," Lindsay said.  "Really, Brian, you're supposed to be a role model and letting him on the ropes course is dangerous."

"Lindsay, he was perfectly safe doing that.  Like I said, I'm sure the city would close them down if people were getting hurt.  They must pay a fortune in liability insurance,'  Brian said.  He was seething at her comments.  If she was balking at Gus participating in a ropes course at a secure museum, he could just imagine what she would do when she found out about his AA attendance.  He was thankful that he had already started the process for the courts to guarantee his access to Gus.  He had enjoyed the outing with Gus and Justin, and was already planning on asking Lindsay about next week.

Lindsay sighed.  "Well, you do have a point," she said as she took a tuft of blonde hair and wrapped it around her ear.  "Still, you don't want to give him wild ideas by taking him to places like that."

Before Brian could respond to Lindsay's mini meltdown, Gus called from upstairs, "Dad, I'm ready for bed.  Will you come say goodbye?"  Gus liked the time right before bed that he spent with his dad.  His moms would tell him to go to bed and he would be responsible for brushing his teeth, putting out his clothes for the next day, and reading a little before falling asleep.  When he was with his dad, he and his father always reviewed the highlights of the day and talked for a few moments about their next time together.  

"Coming, Gus," Brian said.  "I'll be back down in a bit," he told Lindsay, insinuating that their talk was not over.

Brian went upstairs and sat on the edge of Gus' bed. "I had a lot of fun today.  Justin was really nice to show me some pointers with your camera.  Do you think I could get my own phone to practice?"

Brian smiled.  "I'm glad that you liked Justin.  He's helped me a lot.  I'll look for a phone this week."

"Did you ask mom about next weekend?  I'd really like to practice with my new phone and I think Justin would come up with some cool places."

"I didn't get a chance to ask your mom, but I will when I go back downstairs.  Time for you to go to sleep.  I'll see you tomorrow evening at Deb's.  Remember, no telling about the test or Justin," Brian said, reminding Gus about their secret.

Gus made a gesture with tight lips and his thumb and forefinger running across his mouth. Brian smiled and leaned over to kiss his son good night.

Brian went back down to the living room where Lindsay was sitting with a cup of tea.  Brian sat down, but before he talked to Lindsay, he took some deep breaths to calm his anger.

"We had such a great time today, I would like to have Gus again next weekend.  I told him we would go back to the Science Center so he could visit the rest of the exhibits.  He really enjoyed it."

"That's great, Brian.  Usually you're busy and can't spend more than one weekend a month with him.  Is everything at work okay? You're not in trouble with your accounts?" She asked innocently, but in the back of her mind she was worried that if his business was in trouble, it might impact her ability to get money from Brian.  

"No, work is great.  I just enjoy spending time with Gus.  He's a great kid," Brian said.  He didn't want her to get a hint that things were getting ready to change.  

"Well, sure.  I guess it would be fine.  I actually have an art fair to attend next Saturday and was worried about taking Gus as he doesn't seem to like them.  That would work out great," Lindsay said.

"I'm sure you have to go so you can get ready for a night out at Babylon.  I'll see you tomorrow afternoon at Deb's."

Brian walked to the door and let himself out.  As he walked to the car, he realized it was too late to go to a meeting tonight.  He wasn't really tempted to drink but Lindsay's words made him angry.  Gus was his son and he would never jeopardize his safety.  That was the whole reason that he stopped drinking.  Of course, Lindsay's reaction to the ropes course strengthened his fears that she would try to use his sobriety to keep Gus away from him.  He was glad that he had started the legal process.

After getting into his car, he realized he was at a loss for what to do with the remainder of his evening.  It was only 9:00 pm, too early to turn in for the night, and he didn't want to call Justin again. He had bothered him last night.  Tonight, he was just at loose ends and needed to entertain himself.  He stopped in a parking lot and decided to call Ted.

"Hello, Brian.  Everything okay?"

"Fine.  I was wondering if I could come over?"  Brian asked, feeling like a kid asking for permission to visit a friend.  

"Sure.  We just finished watching "Figaro" on PBS. They do a fabulous job of making the audience feel like you are right there in the theatre."

"Okay.  I just dropped off Gus so I'm about 20 minutes away.  Thanks."

Ted hung up the phone and placed it on the coffee table.  "That was Brian.  He asked if he could come over?  Sorry," he said as he turned toward Blake.

"He's your friend, Ted.  I like Brian and I know he's probably hitting a wall right now.  He's been sober for about two months and I'm sure he needs someone to talk to," Blake said.  "I'll go make some coffee.  I'd offer to go buy some dessert, but from what you say, Brian is not really the dessert type."

Ted had not had a lot of time to talk to Brian at the office.  He was curious about what happened a few nights ago to make Brian change his mind about Babylon, but knew better than to ask.  He straightened the living room, fluffing the pillows, and taking a few random coffee cups and plates to the kitchen.  While this was his home, he wanted to make it as neat as Brian's office.  He knew what a stickler Brian was for order.  He told Alexa to play some soft Jazz and he finished his cup of tea.  Just as the coffee finished brewing, there was a knock on the door and Ted looked out the peephole to verify it was Brian.

Opening the door, he hugged his friend.  "Hi Bri," he said as he motioned for him to enter their living room.  "Blake just made a fresh pot of coffee.  Do you want some?"

The mention of coffee made Brian think of Justin and their ongoing comments about the coffee at the AA meetings.  "Coffee sounds great.  I'm sure it will be better than the crap they have at AA.  Tell me Theodore, did they have bad coffee when you attended AA, or did you attend any of those meetings since you entered rehab?"

Blake brought out a tray with several mugs of coffee on it. There was a little container of creamer and numerous packets of sugar, Splenda, and Stevia.  Brain picked up one of the mugs and tore open 3 packets of sugar, dumping them in the mug.  Picking up a spoon, he stirred the drink and drank it.  "Much better than AA."

"Brian, I'm sure that you did not come here to evaluate the kind of coffee we have,"  Ted said, not directly asking what brought his friend to their home.  

"Last night Emmett came over and made pizza with Gus.  After I put Gus to bed I told him about my aborted visit to Babylon.  I thought it would be good to explain the situation to you too."

"Brian, you don't owe me an explanation.  You changed your mind.  That is good enough for me.  When and if you are ready again, I'll be there if you want me," Ted said.

"Okay,"  Brian said, glad that Ted had offered to be his wingman again, if and when he needed it.  He didn't feel the need to really go into why he changed his mind.  He thought that was possibly due to the fact that Ted had completed a similar journey.

"I took Gus today for his DNA test and then we met my sponsor.  He had suggested that I start to figure out what I want to do with my life.  I know you said something similar but I guess I wasn't ready at that time."

"You met your sponsor.  Was Gus with you?"  Ted asked, wanting to keep his questions simple, not wanting to put Brian on the defensive but eager for answers.

"Yes, Gus was with me.  We went to the Incline and then to the Science Center.  Justin, my sponsor,  seemed to hit it off with Gus, showing him how to take pictures with my camera."  Brian took another sip of his coffee.  "By the way, I need you to figure out what phone has the best camera.  I promised Gus to get him a phone so he could take pictures when we're out."  

"I can do that.  There are a bunch of great cameras on phones these days," Ted said.

"Anyway, we had a great time, but when I took him to Lindsay's, she practically threatened to limit my access to Gus when she heard that I took him to the ropes course at the Science Center.  She went on and on about it being dangerous and how I shouldn't encourage him to do dangerous things, etc."

"She is pretty protective," Blake said, having seen her parenting style at the Sunday dinners.

"If she is threatening my access over a stupid ropes course, what will she do when she finds out about AA?"

"Brian, that is why you have a lawyer.  Based on what you told me, the law is on your side.  You have as much right to take him where you want as she does," Ted said.  

"Driving over here, I started thinking about all the possibilities.  What if the court doesn't guarantee me access to Gus?  All that I've done toward sobriety will be for nothing."

Ted felt badly for his friend.  He knew what it was like to work really hard for something and fear that it would not happen.  When he'd been in treatment for his drug addiction, he'd wanted to have a purpose in life.  He'd been fired from his job, hurt his back and really had nothing positive in his life.  He'd literally hit bottom, but he'd wanted to make a better life for himself, so he applied all his energy to recovery and when he looked at his life today, his addiction almost seemed like a bad dream. "Brian, let's look at this.  How do you feel these days?"  He asked, wanting to help his friend see the positive changes in his life in the last two months.

"Good.  I sleep better and I don't feel like I was run over by a truck when I get up in the morning."

Ted nodded his head in understanding.  He could still remember waking up from a night of bingeing and feeling like every bone in his body was sore and had been beat up.  He wondered why he continued to use when he felt so bad.  "I remember that feeling.  I would wake up feeling bad and then I'd find some drugs to make me feel better.  A pretty vicious cycle."

Brian nodded in agreement.  Ted asked, "What time are you getting to work and what time are you leaving for home?"

"I get there about 8:00 or 8:30.  But now, I'm actually ready to work right away.  I think when I was drinking, I was probably still hung over from the drugs and alcohol.  It was 10:00 or 11:00 easily, before my mind was clear enough to think."

"And when do you leave?"

"Usually about 5:30.  I try to make a 7:00 meeting every night."  As Brian answered Ted's questions he realizes where Ted is leading him. "But it's not a big deal to leave that early since I'm more productive when I'm at work."

"So let's recount this." Ted held out his hand and tapped his index finger on his right hand as he said the number 1.   "1.  You sleep better" He tapped his middle finger next.  "2. You are at work earlier and leave earlier." He then tapped his ring finger with the index finger from his left hand.  "3.  You're more productive at work.  And let's not forget that you are starting to investigate some things you can do in your free time.  I'd call all those things a win," Ted said as he smiles at his boss.

"But I'm doing it for Gus, and if Lindsay..." Brian starts in again.

"Brian.  You told me that the lawyer said that the law is on your side.  No one in their right mind can deny that Gus is your son.  The DNA test is just a formality."

"True," Brian said.

"So, let's start this conversation again.  What are you really worried about?" Ted asked.  He had reviewed all the positive things that had been happening with his friend, but he knew that there was more going on in Brian's head.

"So many things constantly go through my head, Ted.  I call them my hamsters and I swear there are always three or four of them running around trying to get my attention," Brian said, admitting for the first time that he was constantly thinking a lot about the changes in his life.

"Tell me," Blake said.  He had heard many clients hit the same rough patch.  Things were going well with their sobriety, but then the reality that life has to change finally hits and they are scared.

"Right now I'm sober and not going to Babylon, but will I be okay with that arrangement permanently?  If I don't go back to Babylon, what am I going to do with my time, my evenings, my weekends?"  

Blake nodded his head in understanding, and said, "What else?  It seems that there is more."

"Even if I guarantee my access to Gus, will he want to spend time with me or will he get bored?  What is the family going to think when I tell them about AA?  Will my friendship with Mikey ever be the same since he can't seem to wrap around his head that I don't want to drink?  And those are just the tip of the iceberg,"  Brian said,  He leaned back onto the couch cushions and closed his eyes.  While he and Justin had been talking after every AA meeting, he was still left to process the information and figure out what he ultimately wanted to do.  

"I've got a routine now.  Get up, go to work, and then to a meeting.  On weekends, I go to the gym, run errands and go to meetings.  I can't see past tomorrow, and sometimes not even past the end of today."

Brian stood up and walked the room, going to the kitchen and pouring another cup of coffee.  Finding the packets of sugar on the counter, he emptied three in his mug and returned to the living room.  

"I should go.  Just because I'm unable to figure out my life, doesn't mean that I should ruin your Saturday night,"  Brian put down the coffee mug and stood up to leave.

"Brian, sit," Ted said in a very stern voice.  "This is all very normal.  There is a reason why AA tells people not to make too many changes in the first six months of their journey."

"Okay, so I'm normal.  That doesn't help the damn hamsters in my head."

"Brian, you've got to give yourself time.  Your sponsor was right.  You have to figure out who you are and what you want before you can revamp your life.  You've been drinking at Babylon and Woody's since before you were actually legal to do so.  You've only been sober for 2 months."

"Time," Brian waved his hand. "What the fuck does that mean?  I have to wait until I've been clean for x number of months before I can figure this shit out?"

"No, Brian. There isn't any special formula that says x number of months.  You've been drinking for over 12 years; two months is not nearly enough time to figure out your life.  Go to meetings, explore like your sponsor suggested, learn what makes you happy besides alcohol.  Rome wasn't built in a day and you are not going to reinvent yourself in two months."

"Are you fucking telling me that I have to do this shit for awhile?  Tell me, Theodore, how the fuck did you do it?"

"One day at a time.  You set yourself a daily goal and then one day you'll wake up and realize that you've changed.  The life you're leading isn't the life you lead for 12 years.  I can't tell you how long it will take, but I can guarantee that if you work the steps and attend the meetings and do the work, it will happen," Ted said.  He reached out to pat Blake's knee and give it a little squeeze.

"Like you, I wanted an instant fix.  I wanted to be liked and have someone who cared for me.  I was tired of going to Bablon and getting rejected every night.  I got sober and I figured out who Ted Schmidt really was.  When I allowed my true self to come through, I was ready for Blake," Ted said.

"Ted, I'm not looking to date.  I can't see me like that," Brian said.

"I never said you had to date or get married, Bri.  I'm just talking about surrounding yourself with people who you like being with, and who aren't judging you or pushing you to be a certain way."

"Okay.  One day at a time.  Shit. That seems so trite.  I guess if I look at where I was 2 months ago and where I am now, my life has changed.  Maybe I'll start marking a fucking calendar," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

"Whatever works for you, Bri.  There is no magic formula or potion.  If there was, there wouldn't be a need for AA.  People have a lot of baggage that they need to figure out before they can be successful.  I know you will do it and I will help in any way that I can," Ted said as he stifled a yawn.

"I better go and let you get some sleep.  Will you be at Deb's tomorrow?"

"Sure. Are you coming?"

"I'll be there.  I told Gus he couldn't tell anyone about my sponsor or the DNA test.  My presence will help him remember.  Not that I don't trust him, but ...."

"I get it, Brian.  You'll get through tonight and tomorrow and the next day."

"Night,' Brian said as he got up to give his friend a hug.  He shook Blake's hand and walked to the door.

"One day at a time. Seems so obvious."

He drove home and got ready for bed.  While it was early for a Saturday night, he was tired.  As he lay down in his bed, his mind reviewed his conversation with Ted. ‘Maybe he's right. One day is all I can think about. Tomorrow, the hamsters will have more time to run around and bother me.'

TBC

Sunday morning Brian got up and went to the gym.  After working out, he showered and then drove to the AA meeting. Justin had said that he would see him there.  He was eager to talk to Justin and thank him for making Gus comfortable yesterday.  The thought stopped him short.  He had never thanked anyone for their actions or felt the need to explain his actions, yet he had done both of these things in the last 24 hours.  He remembered Ted's words from last night.  He would wake up one day and realize that things had changed.  It would never have occurred to him to thank anyone or to explain his actions a few months ago, but he realized that both of those actions seemed appropriate.  ‘Maybe Ted was right.  It would all just happen and he wouldn't even notice it.'

The meeting was at 2:00 and usually lasted an hour.  The leaders always made a point of stating that while meetings were critical in providing support, they were not supposed to take over a person's life.  While it wasn't uncommon for someone to attend more than one meeting a day, especially when they were newly sober or experiencing a crisis, typically a person only attended one day.  Since he was not due at Debbie's until 5:00, he would have time to go for coffee with Justin and still arrive on time.  He wondered when this routine became his norm.

Entering the meeting, he spotted Justin's blond head at the proverbial coffee table.  Walking over, he stopped to stand next to him and said, "Hi."

Justin turned toward him and returned the greeting, "Hi. I had fun yesterday. Gus is a great kid.  I enjoyed meeting him.  He seems to really have an eye for seeing the unusual."

"I think you are the one who should be thanked.  After all, you are the tour guide. Lindsay works at an art gallery and majored in art history.  She's been trying to expose him to different forms of art his whole life.  I don't think he really likes art museums, but I think she has increased his awareness."

"He really seemed to understand the suggestions I gave him about perspective,"  Justin said. He blew across his styrofoam coffee cup and took a tentative sip. Grimacing at the bitter taste, he said, "I think the coffee must be leftover from last night."

Brian smiled and said, "I never realized how much of a coffee snob I truly am.  After I dropped off Gus last night, I went to visit Ted and he had just brewed a fresh pot of coffee.  I mentioned to him the state of coffee at these meetings.  He just rolled his eyes and nodded his head."  He heard the leader calling them to the circle and the two of them walked toward the chairs in the middle of the room.  "I guess that's our cue to go find a seat." 

Once everyone was seated, a young woman with blond hair pulled back into a ponytail spoke.  "Hi.  I'm Samantha.  Welcome.  If there are any newcomers here, there is a beginner meeting next door or you are welcome to stay here."  She waved her hand toward the side of the room where there was a door with an exit sign above it.  "Sometimes, AA can be overwhelming for someone just starting out, so we have started a newcomer meeting.  Anyone who wants to join that meeting now is your chance."  

She waited for a few minutes and after one person had left the group, she continued.  "Today's meeting is about enjoying life.  What have you done today to make you feel good?  When we're drinking we often become obsessed with the next drink and can't stop to live in the moment."

"My name is John and I'm 40 years old," said a man to Samantha's left.  He was bald and wore a T-shirt and jeans.  He appeared fit and looked like he might work out on a regular basis. "I drank from the age of 18 until I was 35.  I have a few memories of those years and I can't get them back.  Now that I'm sober, I make it a point to do things I enjoy."

"I'm Adam," said the man sitting next to John.  Adam wore dress slacks and a button-down shirt.  He was clean-shaven.  To Brian, he looked like someone who had just come from church.  "When I was drinking I went through the motions of living.  Every day I went to work and I counted the hours until I got off so I could go to the bar and put back a few.  I had nothing in my life, but now that I'm sober, I have a wife, kids, and several hobbies.  My days are filled with things I like."

"I'm Carol," said the woman sitting next to Brian.  She was a brunette with short hair.  She wore a pink- t-shirt and long jean cutoffs.  "I used to be really negative and then I realized that I had to focus on the good things in my life.  It was really hard at first.  I grew up in a household where my parents drank.   I thought that all my parents drank and when I got old enough, I would drink too. My life was terrible.  I couldn't keep a job or a boyfriend and I only had one friend."

"What changed?" Samantha asked.  

"My friend got sick, cancer.  While she was in the hospital recovering, we spent a lot of time talking.  She said she was thankful that the cancer was caught early, but she realized that her life could have been really different.  She said she had lots of things she wanted to do but was always putting them off.  As I listened to her, I realized I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and was just going through my days.  I decided that if I wanted to have a life, I had to make plans, and I couldn't do that if I was drunk most of the time."

"So your friend's illness prompted your sobriety?" Adam said.

"Basically.  I realized that there was more to life than finding my next drink," Carol said.

"Were you successful?" Brian asked. The conversation was intriguing.  Justin and Ted had both been pushing him to figure out who he was, but he hadn't thought about this aspect of the equation.

Carol said, "I think so.  I take the time to enjoy life.  Waiting until work is over so that I could drink in a socially acceptable situation was not enjoying life, but rather being tied to my addiction.  I read a book, have a piece of the pie, watch the sunset, workout, and even go to a meeting.  All of these things I enjoy and I've come to realize that drinking doesn't have to be part of it."

"I love painting.  I have always been an artist, but when my dad kicked me out of the house, all I could think about was killing the pain of his rejection.  When I stopped drinking, I was able to paint again.  I can't imagine my life without art in it," Justin said.  

As Brian listened to the members of the group talk about their lives and the positive things in it, he kept going back to his recent conversations with Justin and Ted.  "Adam, how did you find your hobbies?"  Brian asked, curious if this man could give him some ideas.

"At first I was really lost.  My life was always about getting that next drink. How many hours did I have to work until I could escape to the bar?"  He looked around the small circle and saw a few nodding heads so he continued.   "About a month after I joined AA, there was a flyer at work about a baseball team.  I used to play ball when I was a kid so I decided to go for it.  After the game, the players would go for a few beers and that was hard because I knew I couldn't drink, but I went anyway.  I would order a soda or seltzer water and no one said a word."  Again, Adam looked around the circle and saw people looking at him, paying attention to his story.  "One of the guys started talking about repairing his deck and asked if anyone was able to help.  I volunteered and found out I was really good at it.  That is how I started woodworking."

Carol said, "My friend loved movies and when she got out of the hospital I would go to her house and we would watch Netflix or Hulu together.  We would pick something that sounded interesting and watch it.  Then we would talk about the movie, exploring the characters, the scenery, the cinematography, the acting, and even the dialogue.  We became film critics.  That lead me to join a film group."  Brian nodded his head as he listened.  He realized that maybe he was overthinking the need to come up with things and should just let it happen.  

Samantha said, "After I became sober, I started going to the gym.  I felt the need to move my body and I had no idea how to start.  Now, I can't imagine missing a workout."

"Hi, I'm Tom," said the man sitting on the other side of the circle from Brian and Justin.  He was casually dressed in jeans and a blue pullover with short brunette hair.  He looked to be in his late 30's to early 40's and didn't really have any key features.  Brian mentally thought of him as average.  "I went back to school when I became sober.  I had dropped out after a year when I found that drinking was more fun than schoolwork.  I finished my degree and now have a great job with a computer consulting firm in the area."  Since anonymity was encouraged, often people did not state where they worked or exact job titles.   "I guess my hobby is learning.  I can't stay away from the classroom, whether it be in person or online; I love to learn.  Right now, I'm studying Astronomy and belong to several groups that meet up to watch the night skies."

"Our time is almost up for today.  I want to impress upon every one that finding joy in your life is key to sobriety.  We often used drinking to escape our troubles rather than face them and when we have something to look forward to that isn't drinking, it brings joy to our lives."  Brian looked around the small group and saw most people nodding in agreement.  "See you next week,"  Samantha said as the group started to disperse.  Many of them headed toward the proverbial coffee table, but Brian and Justin did not.

"Do you have time for coffee?" Justin asked Brian.  He hoped Brian did have time for coffee as he thought it would be helpful to talk to Brian in more depth.

"I'd planned on it.  I don't have to be at Deb's until 5:00.  Same coffee shop around the corner?"  

"Sure.  I'll meet you there."

They both arrived at the little coffee shop about 10 minutes later, having driven their respective cars and left them in the lot next door.  They found an empty table toward the back and sat down, pulling the menus out of the little holder at the back of the table.

The waitress brought out water for both of them and asked, "Ready to order?"

Justin said, "I'd like a piece of apple pie a la mode and a cup of coffee."

Brian said, "I'd like a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with mayo on the side and a cup of coffee."

The waitress turned toward Justin,  "Do you want your pie now or should I bring it with the other food?"

"Just bring them together," Justin said.

The waitress nodded and said, "Yes." and left them to put in their order.

"So, what did you think of the meeting this afternoon?" Justin asked.  He was curious to get Brian's take on it.

Brian took a sip of water, tasting the slight tinge of chemicals that always was present in Pittsburgh water.  He had a filtration system in his loft and at work and momentarily wondered why a diner wouldn't have one as well.  "Maybe I'm overthinking things.  You and Ted both said I have to figure out what I want to do, but listening to Adam and Carol and a few others, it seemed that their lives found them, not the other way around."

Justin nodded as he looked at Brian.   "When I was drinking, I let my passions take a back seat to drowning my feelings in a bottle.  Once I allowed myself to feel again, I found my inspiration and began painting.  While painting was always in my life, it was like a dark cloth was hiding me from it." 

Justin took a sugar packet from the small stack on the table and tore it open, pouring it into the cup of coffee that the waitress had just delivered to their table.,  Picking up his spoon to stir the sugar, he said, "Life is not a straight line.  I didn't just pick up a pencil one day and start to draw.  I remember my mom taking me with her to the Carnegie Art Museum and I was absolutely fascinated by the brush strokes in a Van Gogh painting.  I wanted to reach out and touch it, but she pulled my hand back and explained that the painting was to look at.  After that, I picked up a pencil and started drawing and that led to painting."  

"At least you had painting before you started drinking," Brian said as he grabbed three sugars and a creamer to prepare his coffee for drinking.  After mixing his coffee as he wanted, he said, "I'm not sure where to start."

"You go to the gym?  Are their physical activities you liked outside the gym?"

"I went to college on a soccer scholarship.  I've actually been thinking about finding an adult league to play in.  I was pretty good."

"See, you have already thought about an option,"  Justin said, hoping his enthusiasm was picked up by Brian.  "I know you like hanging with Gus.  I watched you at the museum yesterday.  You seemed to really enjoy the experiments as much as he did."

"I'm not going back to school like the guy in the meeting.  I'm good at what I do,"

 Brian said.  

The waitress brought out their food and Brian's mouth watered as the turkey sandwich was placed in front of him.  He didn't realize how hungry he actually was.  "You know, since I have been sober, I pay attention to food a lot more.  When I was drinking, I just ate when someone reminded me to do so.  I often ate at the diner since everybody hangs out there."

"Tell me more about paying attention to food," Justin said as he picked up his spoon to take a small taste of the ice cream.

"I've noticed that I eat out a lot.  When Emmett came over the other night to make pizza with Gus, he commented that he had to buy all the ingredients for the pizza since he knew that I would not have anything on hand.  Debbie said something along the same lines when Gus and I went to the diner for breakfast." He took the top piece of bread off his sandwich and put a small spread of mayo on it.  Replacing the top piece, he repeated the motion on the bottom piece as well.  "I watched Gus and Emmett for a bit and they really seemed to have fun.  I don't think I want to cook all the time, but I do think learning how to make some simple dishes would be interesting.  There are times when I just wish I could pull something out of the fridge or freezer and microwave it rather than order something or go to the diner."

"It's just like they talked about in the group.  You don't have to spin the wheel like Wheel of Fortune and guess what the next activity should be.  As you go through life, things find you, and then you decide that you want to explore them.  Between Gus, cooking, soccer, and AA meetings I bet you will be very busy.  And don't forget you are still going to work and to the gym."

"I guess those hamsters in my head were making me think too much," Brian said, tongue in cheek.  He bit into his sandwich.  "The sandwich is a little dry, but the coffee is good.  Maybe I am starting to observe more of my life."  

"All work and no play makes Brian a dull boy," Justin said.  Your life consisted of working and then drinking yourself into oblivion on nights and weekends.  You took out the "play" component.  Live life, Brian.  Carpe Diem!"  

"You're full of famous quotes today, but I see where you are going.  I wasn't living when I was drinking and now I have to live.  Seems easy enough to say, but I think I have a start."  He ate a few more bites of his sandwich, again noticing how mediocre it was.  

"I asked Ted to look up information on cameras for Gus.  Are you still willing to help him with his photography?"

"Sure.  Photography is just another form of art and I love all types.  Besides, it may open doors in my life as well."

Brian put down his sandwich.  "Debbie's Puttanesca is way better than this sandwich.  While I don't like to eat a lot of pasta, I do enjoy her cooking.  Guess I need to head over there.  I want to talk to Gus."

"See you tomorrow at the meeting?" Justin asked as he picked up the bill that the waitress had left on their table.  He grabbed his wallet out of his pants pocket and laid his portion of the bill on the table, handing the bill to Brian.

Brian picked up the bill and left sufficient money on the table for his portion.  "Sure.  Thanks again for yesterday.  I told Gus that I would talk to Lindsay about having him again next weekend.  We are planning on going back to the Science Center to see all the remaining exhibits.  Who knows, it might spark another ‘interest' for me."

They left the diner and drove their separate ways.  Brian realized that he was looking forward to the Sunday dinner at Debbie's.  Previously, he went so he could see Gus and it was expected that he would show up.  If he didn't come to dinner, Debbie would often hound him throughout the following week.  He'd found that attending the dinner was less unpleasant than her incessant harassment.

He arrived at Debbie's shortly before 5:00 and walked in the front door.  It wasn't locked and he sat on the couch in the living room.  Debbie heard the front door opening and saw Brian sitting on the couch.  "No grand entrance?  You okay, honey?"  She said as she walked over to him and put her hand on his forehead. 

Brian swatted her hand away.  "I'm fine."  he declined to give her more information and hoped everyone else arrived shortly.

Before she could give him the third degree, the door opened and Gus came in.  Seeing Brian sitting on the couch, he immediately went to his father and sat down.  "Mom told me that you asked her about next weekend.  Thanks.  Do you think you'll have my camera by then?"

"Yes.  Maybe I can get Justin to join us for a short lesson afterward,"  Brian said as he thought of his sponsor.  The idea of Justin joining them was very appealing.

"That would be awesome," Gus said.

"What would be awesome, Gus?" Lindsay said as she heard her son talk enthusiastically with Brian.

"I was just telling Dad that you said I could go with him to the Science Center again next week," Gus said, as he conveniently didn't mention Justin joining them to give him photography lessons.

"Oh.  Well, I always want you to spend time with Brian.  He is your father," Lindsay said.  She silently hoped Brian's new interest in spending time with Gus would result in an increase in her influence in his life.  She knew if Brian was more involved in Gus' life, she could get him to pay for more things.  She smiled as she thought of the things she would be able to do if Brian was more involved with Gus.

Sunday dinner followed its typical pattern;  eat, visit, and then talk of Woody's or Babylon.  

Michael said, "Let's head to Babylon.  I hear they've got some new dancers." Michael had been chastised enough by his mother, Melanie, and Lindsay to watch his references to the sexual escapades that happened at Babylon.  He usually managed to curtail his inappropriate comments.  "You missed Thursday, Brian. It's been ages since you went.  I bet your d..." Michael stopped just short of saying dick, but grinned at his friend, hoping his puppy dog eyes would make him say yes.

"No, I've got stuff to do," Brian said.  He hoped Gus' test results came back soon so he could stop this.  He was genuinely getting tired of making excuses for not going drinking.  He found it ironic that he was making excuses not to drink when for so long he made excuses to drink.  

"Briannnnn" Michael whined.  

Ted felt sorry for Brian and said, "Michael, stop.  Brian said no, and I think I can speak for everyone else in this room when I say that no should mean no."

Brian gently nodded his head at Ted, thanking him for his intervention. "Michael, I am not going to Babylon or Woody's and no amount of cajoling will change my mind.  Now, I have things to do tonight." Looking at Debbie, he said, "Thanks for dinner."  He looked at Gus and said, "See you Friday afternoon.  I'll pick you up from home."  Brian stood and walked out to his car. 

Everyone looked at each other and started talking at once.

"What was that about?  Since when does Brian not go to Woody's or Babylon?" Melanie asked.

"I've never seen him tell Michael no," Debbie said.

"I had to do something," Ted said to Blake, explaining to his partner why he chose to defend Brian.  After Brian's impromptu visit to their home the other night, Ted had mentioned that he thought Michael would be a problem.  He'd told Blake that he would try to help Brian by deflecting Michael's comments.

"Lordy, I'd hate to be on his bad side," Emmett said as he realized that Brian was getting really tired of Michael pushing him to go to the bars when Brian had stated that he was not interested.

Gus did not speak out loud as he wanted to keep his father's secret, but silently, he cheered his dad for his stand on not going where alcohol was served.

The comments died down after a few minutes and Ted said, "We should be going too.  Early meeting in the morning."  

"And Gus has school tomorrow, so we should head out too,"  Lindsay said.  "Thanks for dinner, Debbie."  Lindsay nodded in Gus' direction and he walked toward the door to join his mothers.  

"Leave it to Brian Kinney to still be the center of attention, even when he is not in the room," Debbie said as she took the last of the plates off the table.  

****

Brian drove home and opened the door to the loft.  While it was only 8:00 pm, he found that he was okay with being at home, no plans to go out.  He knew that he used to go home after Sunday dinner at Deb's, ready to head to Babylon after a few hours, but today he had turned down the invitation with no regrets.  He thought about the conversations he'd had over the weekend and at his  AA meetings.  He decided that he wasn't really as lost as he thought.  He knew how to make plans, and even if the only thing he wanted to do was to spend time with Gus, it would suffice.  Gus was an interesting child, full of questions and uncertainties.  He was actually excited about going to the Science Center and doing the experiments.  He walked to his desk and booted up his computer where he spent the next several hours investigating phones and their cameras.  

As he finished making his list of the top five options, he realized that no one had to guide him to the activity.  It happened as a result of a conversation he had with Gus.  Maybe the hamsters in his head were just reminders that he needed to stop and take one day at a time and not try to figure everything out.  He shut down his computer and got ready for bed.  

When he got to the office, he gave Ted his list and asked that he buy one and have it shipped to Kinnetic in time for Gus' Science Center excursion this weekend.   He grabbed his coffee, smelled the rich, deep aroma and was transported back to his first meeting with Justin when they went out for coffee.  He realized coffee mattered to him, and it made him happy when he had a marvelous cup to start his day.  He sat at his desk, bringing up his email, and started reviewing it.

His day went quickly and he found that it was time to leave, so he could go home and change in order to be at AA on time.  As he entered his apartment, he quickly changed and drove to the meeting.  As he entered, he saw Justin and sat down next to him.

"Hey," Justin said.

"Hi," Brian said.  "You know, I had a really good day today.  I'm thinking I can actually do this sobriety thing."

"Oh.  I know you can do it.  But what's different today?"

"It occurred to me that I've been sober over 2 months and that I've attended over 60 meetings."  Brian looked around the room, looking at the people and realizing he recognized a number of the participants.  He wasn't sure when that had happened, but he could put names with faces and sometimes even a few facts and stories as well.  "Coming to a meeting has become a new habit.  It's just something I do, sort of like going to Babylon, but way less destructive and mindless."  He grinned as he watched Justin smiling and nodding his head.  "I'm not sure, but I think I finally understand that life is not a "to do list".  Work can definitely have it's "to do's" but life isn't like that.  Until yesterday, when I went home from an AA meeting, I always felt at odds, feeling I should be doing something and not really knowing what that something was.  My habit was going to Babylon or Woody's, but with those activities off the table, I wasn't sure what to do."

"So what changed?"

"I'm not sure.  But I had a great time at Debbie's.  I listened to the banal conversations but realized that I was actually learning about the lives of my little family.  I hung out with Gus and we talked about photography.  When I went home, I didn't look toward the old liquor cabinet or flip on the tv.  Instead, I went over to the computer to research phones for Gus.  It just happened."  Brian said as he watched the participants coming in and going to the coffee table. 

"Remember when I asked you how long AA was going to take?" Brian asked. 

"Yeah.  I told you there was no syllabus and you couldn't just put a checkbox by a bunch of activities and determine yourself sober."

"It wasn't that I didn't believe you, I just don't think I was ready to understand.  I think yesterday's meeting about living day to day and finding purpose and joy finally made sense to me.  I'm not just seeking sobriety for my access to Gus, I'm seeking it so I can enjoy my life more."

The leader sat down and called out, "Okay everybody, time to start.  Grab your coffees and water and let's begin."

As they waited for the participants to join the group, Justin said, "That is great, Brian.  I'd love to talk more about this.  Do you want to go for coffee after the meeting?"

"Of course.  I do at least plan that part of my day," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

"Today's topic is making amends....."  

TBC

The leader sat down and called out, "Okay everybody, time to start.  Grab your coffees and water and let's begin."

Those words or something like them had become a signal that the "work" was about to start.  Brian thought briefly about his high school psychology class and learning about Pavlov's dogs.  While he didn't want to be categorized as an animal, the familiar words were starting to elicit a similar response in him.

"Today's topic is making amends....." 

60 days into his sobriety journey, Brian had actually read through the AA literature a few times and the concept was familiar.  He remembered picking up a few pamphlets at the first meeting, glancing through them and almost throwing them in the trash.  They sounded like the priests from his mother's church when he was growing up. As he read the statements,  he wondered if a priest wrote them.

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Words like being powerless and believing in a Power greater than ourselves and turning our care over to G-d, all brought back visions of his childhood where he was forced to attend endless church services and listen to the priests extoll the virtues of Jesus.  He'd had enough religion for a lifetime before he hit puberty.  

Walking into the first meeting and seeing people stand around the coffee table reminded him of the "coffees" after church as well.  He remembered his mother demanding that he walk with her and say hello to all the people as she introduced him to her fellow congregants.  She would parade him around like he was a trophy she'd won for being so pious.  In retrospect, she was most likely trying to demonstrate what a good Christian woman and mother she was by having a son who attended church with her.  On Sunday mornings, he would frequently wake up angry, thinking of the charade he had to endure as he attended church with his mother. 

He started to leave before the AA meeting started but then the leader had called the participants to the meeting and everyone moved to the small circle of chairs.  He chose a chair where no one sat on either side, but quickly all the chairs had been filled. He'd been very uncomfortable and questioned his sanity in coming to the meeting.  He remembered looking around at the group of 15 strangers thinking what losers they were to be attending an AA meeting.  He'd thought that he was really fooling himself and that he didn't need to be there, but then the leader had started talking and he quickly realized that he'd made the right decision.  Before he knew it, he was talking about his drinking.  And now, 60 meetings later, he actually looked forward to each meeting.  

"Today's topic is making amends....."," Tom said.  His greying hair was cut short and today he wore a button-down white shirt and dress slacks.  

To Brian's well-trained eye, he looked like a businessman, minus the tie.  Brian's first thought was that he'd left the tie and possibly the jacket in his car.  Mentally, Brian tried to imagine Tom in an office and quickly imagined him leading a high-powered office meeting.  Brian stopped his imagination and turned back into Tom's introduction.  After attending 60 meetings, he accepted that while he did not always agree with what was said, it was always valuable information. 

Brian stopped reminiscing about his horrific childhood and remembering his first AA meeting,  and tuned into the speaker. 

"When I was drinking, I did a lot of terrible things.  I came to business meetings late.  I missed the deadlines.  I missed family events.  When I became sober, I had a lot of people to apologize to for my behavior.  But making amends is hard.  Saying sorry is difficult because you can't take back what is done.  So, how do you make peace with saying sorry for things that you cannot undo?"

"Hi.  My name is Josh,"  a young man with light brown hair said.  He wore a green Polo shirt and jeans. He looked to be in his late 20's or 30's and was lightly tan.  

Brian's job in advertising always made him look at people, trying to "read" them and he used the same techniques when he attended AA.  Since these were not business or social situations, per se, he was never really certain if his observations were correct, but his training never stopped him from categorizing the speakers at the meeting. To Brian, Josh appeared to be a junior office worker as evidenced by the closely cut hair and his creased jeans.

"I was drunk at my sister's wedding and I was the best man.  I made an embarrassing speech at the reception and she didn't talk to me for 6 months.  When I got sober, I apologized, but that couldn't replace her wedding reception.  I took her and her husband out for dinner at a place of their choosing and gave them the speech that I should have delivered. She was crying toward the end, and was so happy that I was finally sober and in a better place."

"My name is Sheila and I've been clean for 3 years," said a black woman.  She wore a blue dress and heels.  She had manicured nails, complete with nail art.  Brian decided that she looked like Cynthia did and probably worked in an office, coming to the meeting straight from work. 

"I was pretty bad off when I was young and drinking.  My husband left me and took our kids.  My children were afraid of me because I'm a mean drunk.  It took a long time for them to trust me, but now we are back together and things are great.  Apologizing to a 5-year old and trying to explain drinking doesn't work too well. I just had to learn to be myself and make him understand that mommy wasn't going to get angry all the time."

"So how did you do that?" a woman next to her asked.

"At first, it was hard. Once I got sober, my husband agreed to try our marriage again.  We did short outings with the kids together.  We'd go to McDonald's for a shake and let the kids play on the playground.  I'd go out with them for a few minutes and play too.  Then we went on picnics and to the Science Center.  After a while, I just started coming by the house to play with them and help with their homework.  Eventually, I was there most every night, eating dinner, helping with bath time, and other family stuff.  After about 6 months, they began to trust that I wasn't the same angry mom who lost her temper because she was drinking.  Now that they are older, we have talked about that dark time. Thankfully, kids are pretty resilient and they have accepted who I am."

"I'm Elizabeth," said the woman who had asked the question. She had red hair that was shoulder length and wore a nice green blouse and grey dress slacks.  

Brian pegged her as an office worker as well, but she did not have her nails done and her clothing did not look as expensive as Carol's.

"What about your husband? You know, making amends with him?"

"That was a little harder.  I started to drink after our first child was two.  There was a lot of stress at work and I wasn't coping well.  Luckily, when I found out I was pregnant with our second child, I was able to stop drinking during the pregnancy."  She stopped talking to wipe a stray tear that had trickled from her eye.  "He was very leery of leaving me home with the kids when he saw my behavior after I'd been drinking.  Once I got sober, I apologized, but it was more about the work I was willing to do that made him come around."  Sheila said as she smiled.  She looked around the small circle and saw a few nodding heads.   "He saw that I was willing to work with the kids to gain their trust, and didn't just expect to walk right back into their lives.  I was willing to do it right, and that made him accept the apologies as more than empty words.  Sure, I still cringe about what I was like when I was drinking, but I can't turn back time.  I just have to move forward and show my family that I'm committed to my sobriety and making a great life with them."

"It sounds like you have your family back and that makes you happy," Justin said.  He silently didn't add the other thought in his head that she was luckier than he was. While he was on good terms with his mother, his father was never going to accept him back in his life.  Of course, he knew that had nothing to do with his drinking.  "My mom was thrilled when I stopped drinking.  Even when I apologized for the angry outbursts and missed family events, she shrugged it off.  I still feel bad about my behavior, but none of us can turn back time.  We just have to make a commitment to show the people in our lives we have changed."

"Okay, our time is about up for today.  Thank you for coming.  Have a great week," said Tom.

Most of the group gravitated toward the back of the room where the coffee table was set up.  There were small pockets of conversation while people grabbed a coffee and a few people moved to the chairs located on the side of the room where they could have a private conversation.  Justin and Brian nodded at each other and moved toward the exit.

"Be there in a few," Justin said as he fished his car keys out of his pocket.

"Okay," said Brian as he did the same and walked towards his car.

They arrived at the diner about the same time and walked in together.  They appeared comfortable together, like two friends taking some time to catch up, before heading home for the evening.  

The waitress nodded at them and said, "Hi."  They had been to this diner eight times in as many weeks and she recognized them as regulars.  "Back booth, okay?  Or do you want to switch it up a little for variety?" she asked as she started walking to the booth.

"Back booth is fine," Justin said and looked at Brian for confirmation.  Brian nodded in agreement.  "We'd like some coffee when you get a chance," Justin said before they were even sitting down.  

"Sounds like you had a great day today.  You were pretty upbeat when you came in,"  Justin said as he pulled out the menu from the menu holder on the side of the table.  

"Yeah, I did.  When I came home last night I just went to the computer and started looking up information on phones with a camera for Gus.  I had a purpose," he said.

"A purpose?  I'm not sure I understand."

"Okay, purpose may be too strong a word here, but I'll try to explain."  The waitress brought the coffee pot and filled their cups.  She asked if they were ready to order.

"I'll have a roast beef sandwich on sourdough bread and a salad with ranch dressing on the side," Brian said after glancing at the menu.  

"I'll have the double cheeseburger with fries," Justin said as he placed the menu back in the holder.

"Coming right up," the waitress said.

"Since I stopped going to Babylon or Woody's I've struggled with filling my time in the evenings.  I go to work, go to a meeting, meet you for coffee and go home.  I'm used to hanging out at the bars until 12:30 or 1:00 and when I get home from the meetings, it's usually about 10:30.  That's the time I would have gone out to the bars. I wasn't ready to call it a night, so I really struggled with occupying my time until I went to bed."  Brian took the sugars and creamer and prepared his coffee to his liking and took a sip.  Smiling he said, "Much better than the dregs they serve at the meeting."

"So you were struggling with what to do after you got home," Justin said.

"Yeah.  But last night when I got home from Deb's I didn't have to think about what I should do.  I just booted up the computer and started researching phones for Gus. Just like we talked about yesterday.  It just happened and I didn't have to plan it."

"That's great.  So you're feeling more confident about what you're going to do with your free time?"

"I guess.  I don't think one day of success is a guarantee that everything is figured out, but at least I know it can be done.  It's like people were saying yesterday, life just takes you places."

"Yeah.  My mom took me to the art gallery and then I just picked up the pencil to draw.  It wasn't like I said, ‘I want to be an artist'."

The waitress brought their food and both men took a few bites, enjoying the tasty meals.

"What did you think of the topic tonight, Brian?" Justin asked.

"Interesting, but I'm not sure how it would pan out?"

"Pan out?  You don't think that you could make amends?"

"I've always had this policy of no apologies, no regrets and I've said it all my adult life.  I'm just not sure if anyone would believe me."

"Sheila talked about that.  She knew that empty words would not sway her family.  She had to show them."  Justin drank more of his coffee, smiling at the taste.

"But I think I'm a little different.  Everybody in my little "family" expects me to be an asshole. It's almost like they make excuses for my bad behavior. I can't tell you how many times I've heard Debbie say that it's just "Brian's way" or call me an asshole when I do something she thinks is wrong.  But there have never been any consequences."

"Never?"  Justin asked, a little incredulously.

"Nope.  One time, when Gus was a baby, I showed up at Lindsay's 4 hours late for dinner at their house.  She said Gus was asleep and they'd been in bed, but she went and got Gus out of his crib and gave him to me to hold.  I know she could smell the alcohol on my breath, yet she didn't hesitate to give me a tiny baby."

Brian ate a few more bites of his roast beef sandwich.  "This is pretty good.  Usually, I just get a turkey sandwich, but tonight roast beef sounded good.  I guess I'll take spontaneity any place I can get it."

"And I know I've told you about Michael and the countless times he's seen that I get home from the bars when I'm literally so drunk that I can barely walk.  He's never said a word or confronted me on my drinking.  It's like I can do no harm."

"So you feel that making amends doesn't apply to you since your family doesn't feel like you've done things to apologize for?"  Justin asked.  He dipped a french fry in ketchup and popped it in his mouth and repeated that move several times, waiting for Brian to respond to his question.

"I think it's more like they know that I don't apologize and they just accept that I'm an asshole and drunk.  They let me get away with whatever I want.  Almost like they are willing to do anything as long as I'm in their lives."  Brian took a few stabs of lettuce from his bowl and touched his fork to the dressing container on the side of his plate.  

"There is a term for that,  It's called an enabler.  Have you read about that in any of the literature?"  Justin remembered attending a few meetings where the topic had come up.  He found it fascinating that people would allow their family members or friends to drink just so they could be a part of their lives.  

"I think I saw it mentioned, but I'm not really certain."

"Enabling can take many forms, but basically its people making excuses for your behavior. They think they are helping you, but really there allowing you to not have any consequences from your drinking.  For instance, when Lindsay let you see Gus, even though it was 4 hours after the dinner, then she was enabling you to drink without consequences.  And your friend, Michael, enables you every time he makes sure you get home after you're drunk.  He probably thinks that he is taking care of you and wants to be a good friend, but in reality, he is allowing you to drink without any consequence."

"Sounds about right, but how do I make amends when they don't think they've done anything wrong?  Seems kind of useless.  Making amends is realizing you are sorry for your behavior and want to apologize to the people you hurt.  If they don't think I hurt them, it seems unnecessary."

"Let's look at this issue in another way.  Do you regret your actions?  I know you said you have a mantra, ‘no apologies, no regrets' but do you feel that way now?"  

Brian took a moment before he answered, "My first thought would be yes, I still feel that I don't have regrets, but I'd be lying.  Gus is 10 and I regret not being there for him when he was younger.  While he likes hanging out with me, I feel that our relationship could be a lot stronger.  Seeing him only 1 time every few weeks really doesn't make for the ideal relationship."

Justin nodded.  "Any other regrets?"

"I regret allowing Michael to get me home so many times from the bars."

"Why?" Justin asked, somewhat surprised by this statement.

"If I'm being honest with myself, I'd say I have allowed him to think that he's my caretaker. It's his job to get me home from the bars and take care of me.  I've allowed him to associate me with the bars and now that I don't go there, he's at a loss."

"You feel bad for him since you are no longer in his life?"

"I guess.  Of all the ‘family' he's the only one who hasn't really grasped that I don't want to go to the bars.  When I told him that I wouldn't be drinking at Babylon, he just shrugged it off like I was making a joke.  Ted and Emmett understood and supported me."

Justin didn't respond right away.  There were a lot of things that he wanted to say to Brian about his revelation but knew he had to tread lightly.  Tonight's topic was an important one, not that all of them weren't important, but this one really impacted the way Brian's support system acted in the future.  Without his support system in place, the reality of his success was in jeopardy. 

"Let's go back to the idea of amends.  Do you think you should make amends to Michael in regards to allowing him to think it was his responsibility to take care of you and get you home from the bars?"

"I hadn't thought about making amends in that way, but I guess that makes sense.  But I know he's going to laugh at the idea that I'm apologizing for getting me home.  I can see it now, he'll just laugh and tell me that he doesn't mind and then ask when we're going again," Brian said as he could almost hear Michael in his head.  

"He won't take you seriously?"

"No, I can't see him thinking that there is anything to apologize for.  Lindsay is a little more complicated.  If I admit to her that I'm attending AA and not drinking, she might try and use that information against me.  I could see her saying that she had ‘no idea that alcohol was so much a part of my life and what would happen if I had another drinking binge.  Gus wouldn't be safe...'  That's why I'm doing the legal shit."

"You don't think she'd be happy that you weren't drinking and would be available for more family events?"

Brian shivered at that possibility.  "I hadn't thought about that consequence.  Once the ‘family' sees the new and improved Brian Kinney, they'll expect me to show up to all their functions, on time and sober.  That is a frightening thought."  Brian frowned at the idea of all the events that the family held that he might now be expected to attend.  

"You don't have to commit to attending anything, even if you are sober.  Remember, life happens and you may get involved in other activities that take your time and commitment."

"Okay, so where do I go from here? Asking for forgiveness to people who expect you to screw up and don't hold you accountable still seems a little pointless."

"I think the first thing you should do is let those hamsters that you are always joking about do their thing.  Figure out what making amends look like for you.  Maybe it isn't saying your sorry, but changing the way you interact with people is a start. Eventually, you are going to want to say you are sorry by writing a letter or in person, but it's not something that you have to do this minute.  Remember, sobriety is not a syllabus where you get to check off the assignments and get a good grade at the end."

"You sure you weren't a teacher in some other life?  Or do you teach on the side and just neglected to share that little tidbit?"  Brian said as he smiled at Justin.  He realized that he enjoyed talking to Justin and wondered how long he'd be willing to help him in his journey.  He didn't think he'd be here, 60 days later, talking about making amends to his family, if Justin had not been in the picture.

"No, I'm not a teacher, but I had a great sponsor who helped me and I want to return the favor.  I love seeing the light go off in your head after every meeting as you work on becoming the man you want to be."

"Okay, this is not a Lifetime movie and we are not some rom-com couple.  I am figuring out who I want to be but on my terms.  No apologies, no regrets may still be my motto moving forward, but I guess I may need to rethink if I truly can say that about my life when I was drinking."

"Fair enough.  What about Gus? You've talked about Michael and Lindsay, but do you think Gus may need your apology?"

"I hadn't thought about Gus,"  Brian said, thinking about his son.  "I'm doing this sobriety thing for Gus, but I think you have something else in mind."  

"It's not for me to tell you where to make amends, that is your call.  I would encourage you to think about your interactions with him before you decided to get sober,"  Justin said.

"Before I got sober, I didn't really think about fatherhood much.  You know he asked me the other day if I had ever thought about fighting for my right to see him and it made me think.  I hadn't really thought about him in my life before I got sober.  I guess I do have amends to make with Gus.  I was so involved in going to the bars and leading my life inside a bottle that I really didn't think about him,"  Brian said, a look of sadness on his face.  

"I already told him that I hadn't really thought about it, but that I really want him in my life.  I guess I already made amends with him without even realizing it." Brian said.  

"Gus asked you about the legal proceedings?   He is a pretty smart kid."

"He and I talked about the DNA test Friday night.  I wish I could have told him that I had thought about being more involved in his life before I got sober.  Honestly, it hadn't really occurred to me.  He's 10 years old and I want to be sure that I have access to him.  I can't make up for the years I missed, but I can make sure that I don't miss anymore."

"That is what it means to make amends, Brian.  We have to honestly look at our lives and see where we have wronged people, and then we make amends.  You are making amends by taking legal action to guarantee your presence in his life.  Now, you have to decide if there are other people who you need to make amends to."

"Justin, Can I ask you something?"  

"Sure."

"Is it always this hard?  I mean I came to the meeting tonight thinking I had this sobriety thing all figured out.  Take one day at a time, let life come to me ....   After tonight, I realize that I've still got a ways to go."  Brian said as he took one last drink from his coffee.

Justin smiled and looked at Brian.  "Sometimes it's hard, but yeah, it does get easier.  Sure, you put one foot in front of the other and take one day at a time, but like you said, eventually one day flows into the other and before you know it, it's been 6 months, 12 months or longer."

The waitress brought their ticket to the table and laid it down.  "Pay me whenever you're ready," she said.

Brian picked up the bill and put money on the table for his portion, and gave the bill to Justin.  Justin picked it up and put his money down as well.

"When do you think you'll hear about the test results?"

"A few days.  I guess those hamsters are going to keep me awake until it's over.  Now, I'll add making amends to my list of things to keep me awake at night," Brian said.  

Justin said, "Brian, remember, sobriety is not a class with a syllabus that you check off.  Think about your life and who is in your life.  Making amends can be to yourself as well."

"What do you mean it can be to me? How do I make amends to myself?" Brian asked.

"That one I can answer.  You have to learn to forgive yourself for all the crap you did or didn't do, as the case may be.  Sometimes we are harder on ourselves then others are on us. None of us are perfect.  If we were, we would live in a supremely boring place."

"So you're saying that I also have to forgive the mistakes I made.  It's not enough to tell other people I'm sorry, but also to forgive myself for being an asshole?"  Brian said.

"Well, that is one way to put it.  I don't really know about you being an asshole.  I'd say anyone who goes through all the hoops you are going through to make sure he has access to his son, doesn't seem like an asshole to me,"  Justin said.   He enjoyed talking with Brian these last few months and had a hard time wrapping his mind around Brian's words.  

"But I am an asshole.  I don't care about anyone but myself... well, maybe Gus," Brian said.  

"Okay.  Let's look at this.  You decided on your own that you wanted to explain to Emmett and to your friend Ted about why you canceled the other night.  No one told you that you needed to do that.  You decided on your own that you wanted to have Gus in your life.   Sounds like you do care about other people.  Why do you feel you are an asshole?"

"I'm an asshole because I do what I want when I want without care for how my actions affect others."

"Brian,  this is exactly what making amends is about.  You don't think you are worthy of friends or their respect, but yet you are attending AA every day and making changes to your life.  You are working the program and thinking about your life.  You can do all the things necessary to keep Gus in your life.  You can take charge of your life.   But the key to your success is learning to be yourself, accepting your life and making it the life you want to live."

"I don't know the life I want to live.  How does that even work?"  Brian said.  Usually, he and Justin left shortly after paying their bill, but tonight they continued to talk. 

"It's like you said earlier tonight.  You said that you just walked in after the family dinner and started looking up phones on the internet.  Figuring out how you want to live your life will most likely come about as you start doing things that you enjoy," Justin said.  Stifling a yawn with his hand in front of his face, he tried to hide his fatigue.  He'd been up early today, finishing a project and the long day was starting to catch up to him.

"You've helped me dissect a lot of topics and I guess this is just another one.  This one is a little harder to wrap my head around.  I've been told I'm an asshole for so long that I don't have a good role model to emulate."

"Don't overthink it, Brian,'  Justin said as he drank some water.  The waitress had not refilled their coffee cups since bringing them their bill a little while ago.  "We can talk about it again.  I'm really sorry, but I've got to cut this short.  I'm fading fast," Justin said. This time he did not try to hide the wide yawn.  

"Sorry...."

"See, you aren't an asshole as assholes wouldn't have apologized.  But, no need to apologize. Normally I have endless energy, but it's been a long day and I need to head back to my apartment before I fall asleep."

Since they had already paid their bill, they walked toward the entrance to the diner.  "Tomorrow?"  Brian asked.

"Of course.  Now tell those hamsters to leave you alone so you can get some sleep," Justin teased.  He walked toward his car as Brian walked toward his own car.  

"Later," Brian said as he watched Justin leave.  ‘My life would be very interesting if everyone expected me to be on time and attend all the events.  I guess me and the hamsters will be busy tonight.'  

Brian drove home and realized he was tired as well.  He got ready for bed and didn't allow the hamsters to keep his mind occupied for too long before he fell asleep.

TBC

Brian drove home from the diner allowing the hamsters to run amok in his head, but when he opened the door to the loft, he glanced through his mail, placed his keys in the small tray on his desk, and glanced around his home.  He hadn't realized how calming it was for him to step through the door.  The white furniture with minimalist color on the walls, the stainless steel appliances, the gray granite countertops in his kitchen, and the sheer white drapes that barely covered the sliding door to his small balcony were all intentional choices.  Unconsciously, he had chosen neutral furnishing to counteract the chaos in his life outside these four walls.  

Prior to his sobriety, he felt that his life was one whirlwind after another.  Work consisted of long hours with varying degrees of a crisis on a daily basis. His after-work hours were spent in a dance club that prided itself on its continuous light show and disco music. His senses were constantly bombarded by a cacophony of music, lights, and dancing bodies that produced an ongoing onslaught of pheromones. When he wasn't at work or Babylon, he could typically be found at the Liberty diner with its familiar noise of crashing plates and constant banter of its customers. He was frequently surrounded by noise; therefore, it wasn't surprising that he had carefully chosen neutral colors that didn't assault his senses, for his home.  

But now, his life was different. While there were still crises at work, he found that he was able to attend to them in a much easier way.  He attributed the change to many things, but mostly that he came into the office earlier and it didn't take him several hours and multiple cups of coffee before he was ready to tackle the day.  Going to bed 2-3 hours earlier coupled with being sober when he went to sleep, resulting in improved functioning since his body wasn't trying to clear the alcohol in his system for several hours after he arrived at work.  Another reason for the decline in chaos was Brian's attendance at AA.  He had made a commitment to himself that he would attend AA every day.  Since attending during the day was not realistic, he had made it a priority to get his work done during his workday.  Since he now had an additional two hours of productive time he was able to leave on time and make it to his meetings.

He did like his home, but as he looked around it, he decided he needed some color or focal points.  While he still craved calm in his life, he realized that his sobriety had an unexpected bonus of making him set goals and find things that he enjoyed doing.  He had mentioned to Justin that he might investigate cooking or soccer, but he wanted to see how the changes with Gus went before he made any commitments. Thoughts of Gus turned to Lindsay.  He could feel his heart speed up at the mention of his friend and mother to Gus.  Brian admitted to himself that she also contributed to his chaos.  Lindsay appeared to always "need" something for Gus.   The "need" usually involved large infusions of cash to resolve and it happened so frequently,  Brian was convinced that his willingness to allow her actions to result in chaos for him had to stop.  He hoped that his decision to pay directly for Gus' needs would eliminate much of the chaos that he'd allowed her to add to his life.  As he told Gus, he did love Lindsay, but not in a romantic way. He hoped that she would accept the changes, both financially and regarding his presence in Gus' life without consequence, but he didn't believe that would be the case.

He remembered seeing a painting in the lawyer's office and the receptionist telling him the artist was Justin Taylor.  He knew his sponsor was named Justin and he painted, but he had no idea if it was the same person.  Since AA was anonymous, he had not asked.  He would like a painting for his home and decided he would ask Justin about his work tomorrow when they met.  Perhaps he had some work he was currently displaying that he could look at.  He realized that he'd just made another decision without really contemplating it.  Life was just one step in front of another, and he was starting to take small steps.  

In the morning, Brian arrived at Kinnetik where he spent the day with few interruptions and no crises.  About 15 minutes before he was set to leave, his mail notification on his phone pinged.  Normally, he did not bother checking it as most things that came to his personal email were not urgent.  However, he remembered that the clerk at the medical lab had stated that he would be getting notification by email when the results were in.  She stated that they did not send the results via email, but he would be given a code and a number he could call if he wanted them quickly.  Otherwise, they would send them through the mail, but that often took a week or longer.  They had said it would only take a few days for results, but he honestly didn't expect a response this quickly. He appreciated the quick response. While he knew the result before he called, he decided he had time to call before he needed to leave.

An electronic automated message came on when he called the number, "Thank you for calling Quest Diagnostics.  Your call is important to us.  If you are calling about an appointment, press 1.  If you are calling about a billing issue, press 2.  If you are calling about test results, press 3."

Brian pressed 3.  He hated automated calling systems and was always tempted to press 0 to get a real person, but in this situation, he decided to wait, hoping that his call would be answered quickly.

Within 20 seconds, a male voice answered the line.  "My name is Tom.  How may I help you today?"

"I received an email regarding the test results from my son.  I would like to have them."

"Thank you for calling.  Can I ask your name and street address and the name of your son?"

Brian provided the information.

"Can you provide the code from your email?"

Brian gave the man the information.

"Great. Thank you."

Brian could hear the click of keys on the keyboard as the clerk input his information.  Glancing at his clock on the wall, he realized the whole process had taken less than 5 minutes.  He shut down all his active files and closed his computer.

"Thank you for waiting, Mr. Kinney.  The DNA test shows a 99% match. You and Gus share significant DNA at a level that the courts would be able to verify the biological connection with a high degree of certainty."

"Okay.  Will I receive this information in writing?" Brian asked.

"Of course.  We send all test results by mail as well.  As you can probably understand, many people want them quickly.  We send them by registered mail.  Let me verify the address.  1725 Liberty Avenue.  Is that correct?"

"Yes.  Please send it to Kinnetic, in care of Brian Kinney at that address."

"Okay, I added that information to the file.  You should receive the letter in 2 days. Thank you for using Quest Diagnostics.  Is there anything else I can do for you today?"

"No. Thank you."

"Have a good evening."

Brian smiled, knowing that this was significant news.  While no one in the "family" would question his biological connection to Gus, he was on his way to let the legal system acknowledge this very important connection. With the legal arm behind him, he could move forward with his plans for Gus.  The hamsters were playing leapfrog, connecting all the possibilities in his head.  

Brian walked out of his office and popped his head into Ted's office.  

"Can I help you, Bri?"  Ted asked as he wasn't expecting his boss this late in the afternoon.

"I'm Gus' biological parent," Brian said.  He knew Ted would understand the somewhat cryptic statement.

"Of course you're his ..." Ted immediately responded and then stopped as he processed the information.  "Oh.  Great.  Let me know if you need anything.  I'll help in any way I can."  Ted got up from behind his desk and went to shake Brian's hand.  "Congratulations.  I know this means a lot to you."

"I'm calling the lawyer on my way to my meeting.  Hopefully, it won't take long for the legal crap."

"Right," Ted said.  

"See you tomorrow.  I'll let you know how things go."

Brian drove to the meeting, feeling a new kind of elation.  While he knew Gus was his biological son, the DNA test was the first step in safeguarding his rights.  As he got out of his car, he quickly walked up the steps of the community center and entered the meeting room.  Since he was taller than most people, he could see over people's heads and spotted Justin's blonde hair easily.  He was standing by the coffee station, as usual. He walked there and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Hey," Brian said.

"Hi," Justin responded as he looked at Brian who looked like he was practically bouncing on his feet.  "You win the lottery or something?  I can feel your energy."

"I got the test results back and Gus is officially my biological child," Brian said, beaming as if he were a new father, rather than the father of a 10-year-old. 

"Great.  So now you go to court and then you tell his mom?" Justin asked, making sure he remembered the steps in the right order.

"I called the lawyer on the way over here.  She said that she had received notification as well and had already filed the papers that we discussed.  Since there aren't really any legal proceedings, nothing more has to be done."

"No judge.  No hearing?" Justin asked.  He was unfamiliar with all the legal workings that Brian had discussed. 

"Right.  Since I'm not asking for custody and Linds is not asking for child support, the only thing that needs to be filed is proof that Gus is mine.  According to Pittsburgh law, she can't keep me from him, even if I supposedly signed away my rights.  In Pittsburgh, the biological parent is still responsible for the child's welfare."

"Have you told Gus? I'm sure he would be excited," Justin asked.

"No.  I figured I would tell him this weekend.  Linds told me that I could have him this weekend since she had some art thing to attend, but sometimes she changes her mind.  Now, I'll have my own ace in the hole."

"So are you going to tell her about AA?" Justin asked.  He knew Brian was waiting for the legal piece to be in place before he said anything about his sobriety. 

Before Brian could answer, the meeting leader called the group to the circle. 

"Hello, welcome to the 513 group, named because we are located on 513 North Second Street.  I'm Peter and I've been sober for 12 years.  For tonight's meeting, I want to talk about old friends.  Friends are an important part of recovery.  Perhaps, you had a friend or a group of friends who intervened and convinced you that your drinking was a problem."  Peter said as his eyes scanned the group for nodding heads or slight smiles as the members of the group thought about their pasts.  "Or, like myself, had friends that encouraged you to drink. These were the ones who we knew it was "safe" to hang out with as they wouldn't give you a hard time about your drinking."  Peter made air quotes around the word safe, emphasizing the word.  "We all probably had those friends.  The ones we called when we wanted to get drunk or maybe the friends were the ones who "enabled" us to drink by making sure we got home safe.  Peter again made air quotes when he spoke about enabling.  "Regardless, unless we are hermits, our friends typically fit into 2 categories.  Those that gave us permission to drink and those that encouraged us to stop.  Today, I want to talk about friendships and how they change after we're sober."

A man with dark brown hair said, "I'm John.  I guess I fall into the second category.  All my "friends" were ones I drank with.  No one really cared if one of us got drunk since the purpose of going to the bar was to get hammered.  I've been sober for 2 years and it was a challenge.  I knew I couldn't depend on those guys to hang out without drinking, so I had to find new friends."

Peter asked, "How did you do that?"

"It just kind of happened.  I'd always liked sports and when work had a sign-up sheet for a league, I decided to join.  I met some really great people.  Sure, after work they often went out for a pitcher, but by that time, I had been clean for about a year and knew that was a bad idea.  I called off for the first 4 or 5 games and then told the team that I was an alcoholic.  After that, they made sure to order a pitcher of soda along with the beer and I found that many of my teammates drank the soda along with me."

"That's great.  I find that many people accept my desire not to drink and don't push me.  When I tell them I'm in recovery, they often commend my choices and convictions," Justin said.  "Unfortunately, in my line of work, alcohol is expected at events and I can't exactly attend, especially when I'm the guest of honor."

"My name is Kim,"  said a small petite woman with red curly hair.  "What kind of events do you attend where alcohol is expected?  It seems weird."

"I'm an artist.  At every show opening, there is a preview where alcohol and hors d'oeuvres are served.  My agent makes sure that there is a pitcher of sparkling water that the waiters know to serve me.  That way I know I'm safe and I don't have to be hyper vigilante."

"That is an excellent idea.  You can be working without worrying that you'll slip up and take a drink.  But what about when you go to other openings?  I assume you go to other exhibits," Kim asked.

"It's a little easier there, actually.  When I'm at other events, there is usually a water table and I can grab a glass or I simply carry around a plate of food with one item on it.  No one expects you to hold a drink and a plate of food at the same time,"  Justin said, as he explained one of his most used strategies.

"That's ingenious.  I'll have to remember that the next time I attend an event."

"My friends did the intervention thing," a man with short blond hair who was dressed in a white button-down and dress slacks.  "My name is Todd.  I've had the same group of friends since early college.  We were all in the frat house together.  We all got married about 6 months apart and now we all have the requisite 2.3 kids.  We were all involved in each other's lives and one day all the guys and their wives waylaid me in our living room.  They called it an intervention.  At that time, I was angry, hurt, and vowed to cut them all out of my life.  But after a few days, I realized they were right and checked into rehab.  That was 5 years ago and they are still an integral part of my life.  We are over at one of our houses on a weekly basis and while alcohol is there, they always make a point of having other options and when we are talking one on one, the guys often put their beers down and grab a soda instead."

"Wow.  Those are some great friends," Peter said.  

"Friendships are not absolute.  I have some friends who support my sobriety, but other friends who wouldn't," Brian said, feeling more comfortable contributing to the discussion.  He found that after 2 months, he was beginning to speak more.  He thought that the discussions he had with Justin after each meeting were very helpful. The hamsters running in his brain every night were evidence that the meetings were resulting in his evaluation of his life and priorities.

"I'm Calvin.  So true.  That's where we have to work to find appropriate friends.  We can't maintain our friendships with those friends who encourage us to drink or don't accept that alcohol is something we can't control."   He paused for a few moments to let his words sink in for the members of the group.  "There was a guy I knew who hung out with me and sometimes we saw each other 3-4 times in a week.  We'd meet at the bar, discuss the ladies in the bar, and try to score as often as we could.  After deciding that alcohol was not my friend, I quit going to the bar.  He'd call me at work and tell me he'd be at the bar waiting for me.  When I kept saying no, he got really angry.  I eventually told him I wasn't drinking anymore so going to the bar was out.  I kind of hoped he would offer some other activities, but he said that he couldn't imagine me giving up alcohol, and eventually the friendship died."

"That must have been hard," Peter said as he looked at Calvin.  He saw that many people around the circle also nodded in agreement.  "It sounds like he was only your friend when you were doing what he wanted; going to bars and picking up women."

"Yeah.  I thought we were good friends.  Between picking up women, we would talk about our day.  Although looking back on the conversations, I realized that I didn't know too much about the guy, just that he liked to pick up women in bars."

"So, do you think if you had met him at other places, you might still be friends?" Justin asked.

"Maybe.  It's hard to say since it didn't happen.  I have made new friends.  Sure, I still want to be with women, but I realized that going to bars to find them is not the best idea.  Sobriety has taught me that picking up women in bars was just another way to avoid my emotions.  If I didn't want to talk and get to know someone, bars are great for a quick pickup.  But they also allow you to avoid in-depth relationships.  Sobriety has increased my awareness of myself and helped me understand what I want for my life."

"I'm afraid our time is up for tonight.  It's been a great discussion and I encourage you to think about your friends.  Remember, life is not a singular journey and we all need support to live it fully."

Brian felt his head nod in agreement and thought about his short conversation with Ted before coming to the meeting tonight.  He also remembered his conversation with Emmett over the weekend.  Both men were proving to be solid friends and they did not base their friendship on hanging out at the bar with him. He was pleased that he could actually name two people that were on his side when it came to his sobriety.  Of course, if he included Justin, that would be three.  He remembered hearing somewhere that if a person had three true friends they should consider themselves lucky.  

Justin saw Brian nod at the last statement and was pleased that Brian had participated in the meeting.  "Brian, want to get some coffee?  I'd love to hear what the lawyer said, " Justin asked.  While it had become almost a ritual for the two men to meet after the meeting, he didn't want to assume that Brian wanted to continue.

"Of course.  I'll meet you there," Brian said, knowing where all the coffee shops they frequented were located.  

They arrived within minutes of each other and navigated toward the back of the coffee shop as was their habit.  

"I think I've officially traded hanging out at Babylon for coffee shops.  Not sure how I feel about that, but it is definitely a habit I look forward to," Brian said as he grabbed the plastic-coated menu.  He'd not had time to eat before the meeting and realized he was hungry.  

The waitress came and took their order and brought fresh coffee for both of them.

Justin blew over the cup of coffee to cool down the hot liquid and then took a small sip, hoping not to burn his tongue.  "Now that you have the legal rights to Gus, are you going to tell Lindsay that you are attending AA?" Justin asked, choosing to dive right into the conversation.

"Wow.  You aren't pulling any punches tonight," Brian said, tongue in cheek.  He stirred the creamer and sugar in his coffee, put the spoon down, and took a sip before answering.  "I kept saying that the reason I hadn't told her was that I was fearful of her behavior.  I didn't want her to limit my access to Gus.  But now....  I have guaranteed access to Gus and ...."

Justin wasn't going to try and guess what Brian was thinking or fill in the blanks.  He waited to see if Brian would fill them in first. 

"Telling Lindsay should be pretty easy.  I think she's known all along that alcohol and I don't mix well.  I always make sure not to drink to excess when I'm around Gus, so I've never brought him home when I'm drunk."   Brian took another sip of his coffee, allowing his mind to wander back to the meeting tonight.

"If I'm honest, I think the hard one will be Mikey.  I've already hinted that things have changed by not going to the bars for the last few months, but Mikey can be blind at times.  He only sees what he wants to see.  He probably has 1000 excuses for why I haven't shown up to the bars.  After listening to Peter tonight, I know that I should chuck my friendship with him.  He is the definition of an enabler.  He sees himself as my caregiver and it's obvious that he has no idea how to be in my life if he's not the one making sure I get home from the bars every night."

"You don't think he will try to find other things to do with you?"

Brian thought back through all his interactions over the last few months and shook his head.  "No, unfortunately, I don't.  Even when I told him I had things to do, or wasn't going to the bar, he would show up at my house, practically begging to go to the bars.  I don't know if I told you that one Friday he came to my loft, telling me he'd arranged with Debbie to watch Gus so we could hang out at the bar. I had already told him, no, but obviously, that wasn't good enough."

"But cutting ties will be hard?" Justin said.

"If I cut ties with him, then I cut ties with Debbie. Debbie is the mom I never had, and she'd hound me about owing her and Mikey for all that they did for me when I was a kid.  I could just see her telling me that I could just go to the bars and hang out with Mikey and not drink.  All she sees is Mikey and what Mikey needs."

"Losing Michael means losing Debbie and that is harder to do."

"Even though she's his mom, they are a packaged deal.  She is also the one who holds the family dinners and Gus attends those.  If I become persona non grata, that impacts him too."

"Your friendship with Mikey appears to have more than the normal strings attached."

"Yes.  But I'll start with Lindsay.  I'll meet her for lunch.  She'll think I've changed my mind and am going to start giving her money for Gus again.  When she realizes that isn't going to happen, there will be threats and tears.  I swear, I think I can write the script before it even happens.  After I tell her, she'll tell Melanie who in turn will tell Ted.  Ted and Melanie knew each other in college.  Of course, Ted knows, and he won't give her any reaction.  The news will continue through the gay grapevine until it gets to Debbie and then Mikey.  I'll have to deal with them eventually, but I'll start with the predictable one, Lindsay."

"I'm proud of the progress you are making Brian.  You are really showing dedication to your sobriety," Justin said as the waitress brought their food.  He knew he could say more, but he didn't want to bombard Brian with his thoughts and feelings.  It was obvious to Justin that Brian had done a lot of thinking on the subject before tonight.  He just hoped that if Brian's predictions were true, he could withstand the pressure from Deb and Michael.  

They ate their dinner, choosing to not discuss the AA meeting again.  

Brian finished his coffee and the last bite of his sandwich.  "I've been thinking about the meeting again.  Friends are really important to someone's sobriety journey.  I'm lucky that I have several friends who support me.  Have you thought any more about joining me and Gus this weekend?  After all the help you've offered, I think I'm going to include you in my friend's group."

"What time?  I really enjoyed helping Gus and I would love to show him a few techniques. I feel we are becoming friends.  It would be my pleasure.  But I need to head out.  I have to work on a few pieces for an upcoming show."

"Speaking of shows.  I'd like to see some of your work.  As I was looking at my home last night, I realized that it is devoid of anything that is not white, beige, or cream.  I think I need a little color.  I have no idea if I'll like your stuff, but I'm in the market for some art.  Who knows, I might become a collector.  It could be my next hobby."

"Oh.  Well, I think that can be arranged.  I'm having a show in a couple of weeks.  It's here in Pittsburgh.  The majority of my shows are not here, but rather in New York.  I'll bring you an invite tomorrow." 

The waitress brought the bill and both men paid for their share.  Brian drove home as he thought about his friendship with Mikey and what his life might look like without him in it.  

TBC

While Brian had been very happy with his work/life balance in the last month, the next few days were anything but balanced.  On his way home from the meeting, Cynthia called him to discuss a major problem with an upcoming campaign. 

They were already behind in the project due to a shutdown caused by construction at the building they were planning to use. There had been a water main break that resulted in major damage to the interior of the building, and the repairs needed to be made before the shoot.  

The campaign was for a new condominium loft project and they needed the actual interior of the building in order to complete the photography.  The architect and builder had a reputation for putting together projects that were unique to the neighborhood and surrounding areas.  It wasn't going to work to use a different property that the builder had developed.  

"So update me," Brian said, feeling the tension in his shoulders developing.

"Evidently Mark, the photographer, was arrested tonight for drunk driving and the shoot is scheduled for tomorrow."

While finding talent was often key to a project, there were often a multitude of candidates to choose from in the area.  It wasn't unusual to provide the client with a choice of 4-5 models for a shoot.  However, the photographer was a different story.  Brian had a list of 5-6 photographers that he used for his campaigns.  There was a photographer who specialized in shooting black and white ads.  Another photographer was excellent at night photography.  He used yet a different one for shoots that were in the outdoors, especially where rugged terrain was involved.  Setting up a shoot on a mountain might sound like it was no different than shooting an indoor event, but the reality was quite different.  Brian's company did have their "B" list of photographers that they occasionally used, but even those professionals were not going to be available for a shoot in less than 12 hours.  Photographers were like children in many ways; thinking that they always needed to be your favorite.  

"If he is arrested tonight, he should still be available for tomorrow.  What am I missing?"

"He totaled his car, but he hit another car, and the people he hit died. He's in jail."

Brian felt himself grow very cold at the mention of a drunk driver.  He could feel his heart pounding, realizing that could have been him.  He took several deep breaths before talking.

"Shit!  Okay.  Call the client and explain that there is a problem with the shoot and then get on the phone and call Capezio.  He has a good reputation."

"But Capezio will know that he's our second choice.  He won't like that," Cynthia said, already dreading the call and trying to figure a way to appeal to the man's vanity so he doesn't say no.

"Yeah.  Tell him the client didn't like the first photographer's work and we thought of him.  While he would be offended that he wasn't our first choice, he would be impressed that we didn't reshoot the campaign with the first guy.  Sure, he didn't like the photographer's work since he can't shoot in jail, but Capezio doesn't need to know that."

"You're brilliant, Brian.  I think that might actually work," Cynthia said as she smiled.  There was a reason Brian was extremely successful.  He knew how to massage people's egos to make them feel important.  "I'll call you after I talk to him."

"Great."  Brian said.

By this time, he was almost home and drove the next few minutes replaying Cynthia's words.  The photographer was drunk and he killed the people in the other car.  

When he got inside his loft, he looked toward his liquor cabinet, something he hadn't done in quite a while.  He remembered he used to keep a bottle at the bottom of his desk and went there to retrieve it.  Opening the drawer, it was also empty.  

"Shit!Shit! Shit!  What the fuck am I doing?  I've been sober for over 2 months and now I'm searching my home for a drink because some stupid photographer killed some people because he was drunk and got behind the wheel."  Brian started to hit the top of the couch, pounding his frustration with his fists.  

"I need a fucking drink.  Who the hell am I fooling?"  He grabbed his keys and started to leave the loft when his phone rang.

Seeing that it was Cynthia, he answered. "Yes."

"It worked like a charm. If I could have seen his face on my phone when I called, I would swear that he was preening like a peacock when I told him the client wasn't happy with the previous photographer.  He's not available tomorrow, but he said he could be available the remainder of the week.  I told him great and that there would be a bonus if he was able to complete the shoot by the weekend."

"There is a reason I pay you an exorbitant salary,"  Brian said, tongue in cheek. "See you tomorrow."

Brian looked at the keys in his hand and could feel the anger returning.  Without thinking he called, Ted.

"Bri, everything okay?" Ted asked as he looked at the clock.  

"Cortez, the photographer for the Panasonic account was fucking drunk and killed two people in an accident," Brian said.  His voice was a mixture of anger and fear.  

"I'll be right over.  Do you need me to talk to you while I drive over?  I can keep you on speakerphone," Ted offered. He knew Brian was freaking out and it would take him at least 15 minutes to get to Brian's loft. 

"No.  I'll go shower. I'll leave the door unlocked. Just come on in,"  Brian laid his keys back in the shallow dish that he kept by the door, unlocked the door, and was thankful that Ted had a code to get into his home.  There were only a few people that he trusted with that information, and Ted was one of them.  

Brian put his phone by the nightstand in his bedroom, stripped, and went into the bathroom to shower.  As he stood under the hot cascade of water, he felt himself shaking with a mixture of incredulity and fear.  He couldn't stop the hamsters running in his brain.  He wanted nothing more than to find a tall bottle of Beam in his liquor cabinet and drink himself into oblivion.  Yet, he knew that exact behavior is what resulted in his sobriety today.  How could he want sobriety, but also to drink into oblivion at the same time?  He finished his shower, even though he still felt dirty.  

As he was drying off, he heard voices coming from his living room.  He wondered if Ted had brought Blake, and was thankful that he had such a great friend. But as he was getting dressed in a pair of sweats and a wife-beater, he heard the unmistakable voice of Michael.  He wondered why he was here and how he'd gotten into his apartment, but then remembered he'd told Ted he would leave the door unlocked. 

While Michael knew the code to get in the building, he had changed his locks a long time ago when Michael had "come in" his loft without being invited.  For Michael, a key meant that he could come and go without invitation.  The last time Michael had let himself in, he'd been deep in the throes of sex with a threesome, and Michael just stood and watched.  

While he was somewhat of an exhibitionist, enjoying his Babylon backroom exploits, Michael ignored the sex, quickly beginning a one-way conversation with him as if they were sitting at the diner having dinner.  He vaguely remembered that he yabbered on about some problem he and his husband were having deciding on a paint color for the kitchen, and then started talking about an argument that he and Deb were having about her dropping by their place unexpectedly. 

When he finished talking and Brian had not responded, he quickly began repeating the whole monologue.  While Brian had tried to ignore Michael and concentrate on the excellent blow job one of the men was providing, he tapped the guy on the head and pulled away, turning to Michael informing him that he needed to leave.  Michael had protested and started to repeat the earlier monologue, but Brian got out of bed, escorted him to the door, opened the door, and gently pushed him out.  He locked the doors, including the deadbolt.  The next day, he had the door locks changed.  When Michael had questioned him about a key, he ignored him, and eventually, Michael stopped asking. This plan had worked for almost a year, but evidently, tonight, Michael decided that whatever "urgent" matter he was dealing with, he needed Brian.  Brian did not have the energy or desire to talk to Michael and knew his presence would result in a stronger desire to drink that invisible bottle of Beam. 

"Ted.  Michael."  He greeted them as he walked into the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water from his fridge.  He motioned to each of them to see if they wanted one as well.  

Ted said, "Sure."

Michael said, "You got a beer.  I could go for a beer.  I just had a talk with my agent and he said that there might be a chance that I could be asked to be a guest speaker at Comic Con.  I thought we could go out and celebrate.  It's been forever since we went to Babylon."  Michael walked toward Brian and reached out to grab his arm, intending to pull him toward the bedroom.  "It would only take a minute for you to change.  It would be like old times."

Ted looked at Brian, seeing the tension on his face and the tall tell of his forefinger and thumb to the bridge of his nose.  He knew he was freaking out and didn't need Michael's presence, especially not tonight.

"Brian and I have some work stuff to discuss.  Tonight's not a good night," Ted said.  

"I've got all night.  It's only 9:30.  The bars won't start hopping for at least an hour and even then, it's early.  Why don't you do your work thing and I'll just play Xbox?  I've been dying to try out the new game that you bought Gus a few weeks ago."  Michael walked toward the game console and started rummaging around for the controls. "Afterward, the 3 of us can go to Babylon."  

"Mickey, go home.  I don't want to go to Babylon.  Not tonight.  Not tomorrow.  Not next week or the week after. Ted told you we have work shit to take care of.  You are not welcome to sit and play games in my home.  I suggest you leave. There is a reason I did not give you a key when I changed the locks.  I need a drink," Brian said, walking toward the liquor cabinet.

"Brian?" Ted said, alarmed that his friend was stating he wanted a drink and was walking toward his liquor cabinet.  He distinctly remembered helping Brian empty the contents of the bar and he truly hoped that he had not replaced the liquor.

"It's fine, Ted. There is no liquor in here or anywhere in the house.  Although, I could really use a shot right now.  I keep a bag of hard candy in here.  It's my go-to when I want a drink."

"You had me worried there for a moment.  Good to know that you don't have any liquor in there,"  Ted said as he smiled at his friend.

"What?  Since when do you not have liquor in your liquor cabinet, much less a beer in your fridge.  Have you been taken over by pod people?" Michael asked as he looked between Brian and Ted.

"Michael, I'm an alcoholic," Brian said, not having the desire to go into all the details of his AA meetings and all the other changes in his life.

"You're not an alcoholic.  I would know.  I'm your best friend and I've known you since you were 14.  Sure, you drink a lot, but you're not some drunk on the corner with a bottle in a paper bag" Michael said, providing his description of an alcoholic.  "Alcoholics can't hold a job and they're always in trouble with the law.  You're the CEO of a big company."  Michael looked at Brian, not believing his friend and wondering why Ted knew about the contents of Brian's liquor cabinet and he did not.  

"Whether you believe it or not, it's true.  I'm an alcoholic and a photographer that worked for me, just killed two people tonight when he was driving drunk. That could have been me.  I'm going to talk to Ted about it now, so I suggest you leave.  Unless you have some words of wisdom that don't involve denying the existence of addiction, go celebrate with your hubby,"  Brian said as he walked toward the door.  Opening the sliding door, he motioned for Michael to exit his home and Michael left.  

Ted walked over to Brian and reached out to him to give him a hug.  At first, Brian hesitated, but then he embraced his friend. 

"It wasn't you.  You didn't kill those people.  It wasn't you behind the wheel," Ted whispered.

Brian let go, and walked toward the couch. "It could have been me.  I wrapped my car around a tree, but it could have just as easily been a car."

"But it wasn't and it won't be.  You're sober, working the program.  You called me instead of burying your fears inside a bottle," Ted said as he walked toward the chair beside the couch.  

Brian could still feel the adrenaline coursing through his body.  His heart had slowed down, but he could feel the remnants of sweat trickling down his back.  

"Let's get out of here.  Get rid of some of that tension."

"I don't want to go to the diner. Deb might be there.  Of course, I just shot my mouth off and told Michael that I was an alcoholic, so I imagine within an hour, I will be the talk of Liberty Avenue."  Brian hit the couch again in frustration.  "Shit! Shit! Shit!"

"Come on. Grab your keys and phone and we'll go to my house.  No one will recognize you in my neighborhood."

Brian wasn't sure about anything at this point in time, but since Ted was offering an activity that would occupy his mind, he agreed.  Grabbing his keys, wallet and phone, he set the alarm and followed his friend to his car.

Brian got in the car, put on his seat belt and stared out the window while Ted drove.  Ted decided he wasn't going to start a conversation until Brian could release some of the tension and frustration he was experiencing.  They arrived at Ted's home and got out of the car.

Brian looked around the empty streets, cars parked in the driveways with a few parked in front of houses.  The streetlights illuminated the area, giving it a familiar glow. A woman walked a dog, but otherwise there was no one to be seen.

"Suburbia.  Must be boring looking out your window every night," Brian said, tongue in cheek.  

"It has its advantages," Ted said, deciding not to extol the virtues of living in suburbia.  He knew that Brian was trying his best to keep it together, and making semi-derogatory comments was his way of coping.  "Let's walk."

Brian nodded and followed Ted as he turned left and walked down the sidewalk.  They walked in silence for a few minutes and Brian said,"Thanks. I needed to get out of there."

"You're welcome, but no thanks needed.  You were freaking out.  You needed to stop the tapes in your head."

"You have hamsters too?" Brian asked, surprised at the statement.

"Sure.  When I was in treatment, I spent hours, days, even weeks, thinking about my actions, and contemplating my life.  I'd go to a meeting or session with my group and afterward I'd pick apart all the information and try to figure out how it applied to me,"  Ted said.  He and Blake had talked about recovery, but Blake tried to separate his professional life from their personal life.  If Ted wanted to talk about his addiction, Blake was willing to listen, but he did not want to blur those lines.  He'd never really talked to his friends about his addiction except for making amends for his behavior.  

They passed the woman with her dog.  It was a tiny thing, and Brian wondered why people had pets.  He'd never had one as a child; it would have been one more mouth to feed, and his parents complained about feeding the two children they had.  As an adult, he hadn't wanted one as they required care and he couldn't be bothered with caring for anyone or anything.  He also thought they smelled and were messy.  He liked coming home to a clean space.  

"I had it all figured out.  I would call Lindsay tomorrow and invite her to lunch.  I'd start out by telling her I'd be buying all of Gus' clothes and sports stuff as it appeared that I'd been doing it for a while.  Then, I'd tell her that I had been attending AA and now that I wasn't going to the bars any more, I'd like to see Gus more, having him spend weekends with me. At that point in the conversation, she'd be upset.  She'd realize that the "Bank of Brian" was closed and that I'd kept the alcohol thing a secret.  She would then tell me that it wasn't a good idea for me to have Gus as he was stressful, being a preteen.  Or she would pull the ‘I don't think that is a good idea' country club answer, stating that he doesn't need to be around me if I'm drinking.  Either way, I'd have the whole legal system behind me.  I'd inform her that I had as much legal right to him as she does, etc."

"I'm impressed.  You have entire conversations laid out.  Since I had alienated all my friends, I didn't have anyone that I could potentially need to have that extensive discussion with," Ted said.  They continued to walk, crossing the street and starting to walk the next block.  "But you don't think that will happen now?"

"No, thanks to Michael, the entire "family" will know."  Brian pulled out his phone and unlocked it to see the time.  "It's 12:45.  I usually leave the AA meeting about 8:30 and Justin and I go for coffee.  I get home about 10:00.  Tonight, Cynthia called about the situation and I was dealing with that for about 45 minutes.  I called you, took a shower and then Michael and you showed up.  I'd say it was about 11:30 when he left.  Knowing Michael, he was oblivious about the time and called everyone."

"Surely, he won't call Mel and Linds at this hour?"

Brian thought for a few moments.  "Maybe not.  He'd call Deb and Emmett.  Emmett already knows, so it would only be Deb that would be surprised.  He might not think to call Mel and Linds, since they are somewhat removed from his little sphere."

"So, if he doesn't tell Mel and Linds, your little version could still happen," Ted said, attempting to assure Brian that everything has not changed.

"Not exactly, but close enough.  In my version, Lindsay would be shocked, and inform Mel of my intentions.  Mel would be furious, not so much about the alcohol thing, but because the "Bank of Brian" is closed.  Mel would run to you, since you are her close friend.  She would share her dismay, trying to elicit your help in convincing me that it wasn't in Gus' best interest to have me change the way I handled Gus' needs."

"Actually, I think that last part fits Mel and Linds perfectly.  Of course, Mel wouldn't know that I already knew about your AA meetings and I'm 100% on board with your financial decisions," Ted said.  They had reached the end of the second block.  He could hear the calmness had returned to Brian's voice and turned around to start the walk back to his home.  

"Nothing has really changed, Brian.  You still have the legal right to Gus and you don't intend to give Mel and Linds any additional money for Gus,"  Ted said, reassuring Brian that even though the execution of his plan might have changed, the results were still the same. 

Brian could feel his even breaths as he walked and realized he wasn't as upset as he was when Michael left.  "True.  I'm still an alcoholic and I still want Gus in my life.  And while I'm still a little freaked out about the photographer killing those people, it wasn't me behind the wheel."

"Accepting the things you cannot change is a big piece of recovery.  As much as we would like to, we cannot turn back time.  We can only move forward," Ted said, repeating some basic tenets of the 12 Step program. 

Brian took out his phone again, seeing it was past 1:00.  He felt himself yawn.  "I haven't been out this late since I stopped drinking.  It used to be a regular occurrence. Stumbling into the loft at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, where I would fall into bed in a drunken stupor.  I'd hit the alarm at 7:30 and need at least 3 cups of coffee before I could begin thinking clearly enough to work."

"I remember those days. You don't do that anymore.  You're one of the first ones in the office and are raring to go as soon as you get there." Ted said, gently reminding him that being sober definitely had its perks.

"Yes.  I was in denial how much my drinking impacted my life.  I get so much more done when I've not hung over in the morning.  But, the time is still after 1:00, and while I'm 100% sober, I'll still feel the lack of sleep in the morning."  Brian yawned again, feeling the residual of the adrenaline dump.  "I think I'll come in a little late tomorrow.  Maybe 9:00.  I think your boss will be okay with your late arrival too."

Ted smiled.  Brian had officially ended his freak out.  He was talking about work and referring to himself as Ted's boss.  The fallout from tonight's crisis was not over.  Brian would still be dealing with the reshoot of the campaign as well as Deb, Michael, Mel and Lindsay's new discovery of his addiction news, but he was certain Brian could handle all of it.  

"I've got a great boss. I'll take you home."  They arrived at Ted's driveway and Ted drove Brian back to his loft.  

Brian let himself into the loft, placed his keys in the basket by the door, and walked to his bedroom.  He took his phone out of his pocket where he saw he had 15 messages.  He had not bothered to look at the phone earlier except to see the time.  He always kept his phone on silent as he didn't want to be interrupted during a presentation or important phone call.  Cynthia knew to interrupt him for a true emergency, so he only looked at his messages a few times a day.  He looked at the ID of his callers, and seeing that they were from Michael and Deb, he decided to ignore them for now. Tomorrow would be soon enough to take care of them. There was absolutely nothing he would be taking care of tonight.  

Dropping his clothes on the floor, he climbed into bed, got under the sheets and quickly fell into an exhausted sleep.

TBC

Brian opened his eyes as he glanced at the alarm clock and its incessant blaring noise. After reaching out and then hitting the off button, he lay back down on his pillow and closed his eyes again.  He thought he heard a banging on his door, but dismissed it to his imagination as surely no one would be coming by this early in the day.  Throwing off his blanket, he went to the bathroom to shower and get ready for his day.  When he returned, he dressed and picked up his phone for the first time since depositing it on his nightstand prior to sleep.

Scrolling through the missed messages, he saw there were 20 messages, most were from Mikey and Deb, but there was one from Emmett and one from Lindsay.

“Damn!” he said as he slammed his palm against the wall.  Shaking his hand out, he took a deep breath realizing the storm of emotions he felt last night was just the beginning of one of his most difficult days in recent history.  Sitting on his bed, he pushed the button on his phone labeled Justin, hoping he was available to talk.

“Hello,” came a sleep-filled voice on the other end of the call.  “Brian, is everything okay?  Did something happen on the way home from the meeting last night?”  Justin said as he shook his head, trying to get the cobwebs of sleep cleared from his brain.

“I’m fine, well as fine I can be,” Brian said.  He proceeded to tell Justin about the chain of events that followed his drive home.

“That sounds terrible.  I’m sure you were really freaked out,” Justin said.  He didn’t want to put words in Brian’s mouth, but he knew that if he were in Brian’s place, his emotions would be all over the place.

“Yes, I was.  Well, still am, but then the stuff with Mikey is even worse.  I had it all figured out in my head how my disclosure would go down, but now that is literally blown out of the water.  I’ve got at least 20 messages on my phone this morning, most from Mikey and Deb.”  Brian sat down on his bed feeling the sudden weight of his situation.  His shoulders slumping and a feeling of defeat coursed through his body.  “I can’t imagine that the messages are supportive. I was hoping that Lindsay would not be subject to the Novotny hysteria, but it doesn’t seem to be the case,” Brian said as he ran his hand over his face.  

“So you haven’t listened to them yet?” Justin asked, hoping that perhaps Brian was wrong and that there would be support from his family.  Justin had come to know Brian in the last few months and didn’t doubt that Brian had a good pulse on his family’s reaction; therefore he knew his hopes were highly unlikely.

“No,”  Brian said, having lost whatever energy he had to deal with the situation.  Ted’s talk and walk last night feeling far from the realities of this morning.

“What do you want to do?  Remember, you are the one who is conquering your addiction. I’ll support you in any way that you need.”

“What I want and what I will do are two different things.  I want all this drama to go away and to be able to live my new life without interference from family,” Brian said, wishing he had a magic lamp that could fast forward time.  If so, he would fast forward at least 6 months where the drama would have died down, he’d be sober for over 8 months and he and Gus continued to grow their relationship.  

“What do you want to do? Can I help you in any way?”  Justin repeated himself, hoping that he could help Brian develop a plan of action rather than being stuck thinking about the problem.  Justin found that a plan was always a good way to start.

“At this point, I guess that pulling off the bandaid, as it were, would be my best option.  Even though my choice would be to turn back time and address the issues on my time table, that isn’t happening.”

“What’s your plan?”

“I guess I need to listen to the messages.  Who knows, I might get lucky and the one from Linds is just firming up my meeting with Gus this weekend.”

“That would be great.  Why don’t you start by listening to the messages and go from there?  Do you want me to come over?  I can be there in about an hour.”

“No, I can listen to the messages.  I made this mess, so I need to fix it.  Thanks for offering. Thanks for listening.”

“No worries.  I’m here if you need me.  I’ll keep my ringer on.  Otherwise, I’ll see you tonight at the meeting,” Justin said, encouraging Brian to continue his journey, despite this upset.

“See you tonight.  I’m sure had I not been attending meetings, I would be sitting at Woody’s as soon as I finished work.  But, of course, that is a catch 22.  Drinking is what got me into this mess, but if I wasn’t trying to quit, I wouldn’t be in this mess either. Thanks for listening.” Brian clicked off his phone and carried it to the kitchen where he started making his Guava juice smoothie.  

He opened up his message tab on the phone and hit the first message.

“Brian, you can’t be an alcoholic.  I would have known.  I’m your best friend.  Call me.”

He hit delete and the next one came on.

“Brian, Ted is trying to brainwash you.  You don’t drink that much. Call me.”

He hit delete again and the next one played.

“I know you drink, but we all do.  You can’t be an alcoholic if you are a successful business owner.”

He hit delete and the next one played.

There were 15 messages from Michael and as soon as he had deleted the last message from him, there was a message from Emmett.

“Sweetie.  I don’t know what all happened tonight, but I just got the strangest phone call from Michael.  He went on and on about you being brainwashed and saying you were an alcoholic.  He must have talked for at least 20 minutes before I finally just hung up.  Call me.  I can’t imagine what happened tonight, but I’m here for you,” Emmett said in his message.

Brian smiled for the first time that morning.  Ted and Emmett were in his corner.  It was great to have a family that didn’t try to convince him that he was wrong.  He deleted that message and hit play on the next one.

“Brian.  As Gus was getting ready for school he reminded me that you were wanting him to stay with you this weekend.  If you haven’t changed your mind, I think that would be great.  Can you pick him up Friday about 5:00?  I’m so happy that you are wanting to spend more time with him.  Every boy needs a father.  Call me if there is a problem.”

Brian felt the tension in his shoulders ease and he let out a deep breath.  “She doesn’t know.  She doesn’t know,’ he said out loud.  He would call her and see if she was available for lunch today.  He couldn’t take a chance that she would find out from anyone but him.  

He hit delete and listened to the remaining three messages.  The first one was from Debbie.  “Asshole.  I knew something was up when I heard that you weren’t going to Babylon.  Good for you. Call me.”

He smiled for a second time that morning and hit delete. The next one was from Ted and it was time-stamped about a half-hour ago.  “Just so you know, I told Cynthia to block all calls from Mikey.  I’m sure he’s blowing up your phone.”

A warm feeling coursed through his body again.  Things were better than he anticipated.  He knew that he was in for some difficult times, but he was happy that he had support from some of his family.

The last call was a robocall telling him he could lower his interest rate on his credit cards.  He pushed delete before the call ended.  

He’d been drinking his smoothie as he listened to his messages.  He rinsed out the blender and placed his cup in the dishwasher.  He hated coming home to anything but a pristine space.  He grabbed his phone and called Lindsay.

“Hi Brian.  I hope there isn’t a problem with this weekend.  Gus has been talking about it all week,” she said with a little concern in her voice.  Her voice went up a half an octave as she mentally calculated a way to get Brian to take Gus for the weekend.  She had mentally made a lot of plans that would be spoiled had she had to deal with Gus.  

“No.  No problem.  I’m actually calling as I wanted to invite you to lunch. Are you free this afternoon, say about 1:00?”

Without hesitation, she said, “Yes.  Of course.  I always have time for you, Brian.  Where would you like to meet?”

“The Capital Grille.  They have a great salad and the fish is excellent,” Brian said, knowing that Lindsay would enjoy the elegant atmosphere.  He also hoped having their lunch in an

 upscale restaurant would prevent her from making a scene when he dropped his financial bombshell.

“Oh that would be lovely.  I hear their chef makes beautiful presentations. They are a work of art by themselves.”  She chuckled at her joke.

“See you at 1:00 then,” Brian said as he disconnected the call.

He texted Justin to give him an update on Lindsay’s call and he received a quick reply.  

He drove to work and grabbed a Starbucks coffee on the way.  He was sipping the drink as he walked into the office.  

“Morning boss.  Everything is going well with the reshoot.  The client didn’t even balk at the change of photographers.  You’ve got a meeting this morning at 10:00 with Patagonia and then a 3:00 all-staff meeting.  You wanted a chance to look over the health insurance package before the meeting.  I’ve sent you the file and placed it on your desktop,” Cynthia said as she provided the typical morning brief. 

“Okay.  I know Ted briefed you about Mikey.  If he shows up, have him escorted off the property.  I have nothing to say to him.”  As Brian finished his statement, he realized that it was true.  If Mikey didn’t change his message and start believing Brian, he would no longer be a part of his life.  This thought shocked him for a moment, but he really did not have time or the inclination to allow the ever-present hamsters the opportunity to run amok.

After an hour of work, he went in search of Ted.  Ted rarely left his office so the searching was typically easy.  As usual, Ted was sitting at his desk and didn’t look toward his door until Brian made a distinct noise indicating his presence.

“Oh hi, Bri,” Ted said, indicating Brian should take a seat in the white office chair.  There was little need for most people to come into Ted’s office. As the CFO of Kinnetik, he did not handle the day to day operations of the business. Typically, Brian or Cynthia were the only ones who had a need to meet with him directly.  Brian had chosen a Jonathan Adler to compliment the Hekman executive desk for Ted’s office.  He made certain that he could sit comfortably and the chair would match the boutique decor.  

Brian walked in, closing the door for privacy.  “Thanks for telling Cynthia to keep Mikey away.  He called 15 times after we made him leave..  Seems that he doesn’t understand the words, I’m an alcoholic.  Every message included some statement trying to explain to me why I was wrong.”  Brian sighed as he thought about Mikey’s messages and their true implication. He’d been contemplating his friendship for weeks, but maybe this was the ultimate sign that he needed to break the ties.  “On the other hand, Deb’s message berated me for not telling her, but otherwise was very positive.  And the best news was that Lindsay is far enough removed from the gay grapevine that her call was to just confirm that I still wanted Gus this weekend.  I’m meeting her for lunch today.  I want to be the one to tell her rather than hear it inadvertently from Deb or Mikey.  At least she’s not good friends with Mikey,” Brian said as he caught Ted up to speed on the situation.

“That is good news,”  Ted said, noting Brian’s face.  While he didn’t look quite as distraught as he had last night, it was obvious that he was still troubled.  “I’m glad that you are meeting with Lindsay today.  I think that the wait would literally keep you up at night.  Regardless of how she responds, you’ve got this.”  Ted walked toward Brian and gave him a handshake, and then returned to his chair.  

Brian said, “thanks,” and went back to his office where he closed his door and started to work. 

The remainder of the morning passed quickly and he was surprised when his computer sent the alert for him to leave for his lunch with Lindsay.  He checked his phone as he placed it in his office.  There were 4 additional messages from Michael, but none from anyone else.  He quickly deleted them, placed his phone in his pocket, and walked to his car.

He found a parking spot close by and while he didn’t believe in omens, he decided that maybe the fates were in his courts today.  When he walked into the restaurant, Lindsay had not arrived and he was able to ask the Maitre D to seat him in the back, away from the hustle of the restaurant.  Even if Lindsay got upset, the physical space would keep their meeting less in the open.

He sat watching the door and a few minutes later she arrived.  She was led to the table and her chair brought out so she could be seated.  She was handed a menu and thanked the Maitre D.  

“Thank you for inviting me.  It’s been ages since we caught up.  I know we see each other at Deb’s most weeks, but there are just so many people and everyone is having their own conversations. Sometimes, I feel like I’m on a tennis court, trying to determine whose turn it is to speak.”  She opened the menu and glanced at the offerings.  “This looks amazing.  Mel and I don’t get the opportunity to eat at places like this.  It's not a place for families. I can’t imagine Gus eating Oysters on the Half Shell or Shrimp Cocktail, let alone Steak Tartare.  He’s happy with a happy meal,” she laughed a little at her statement and continued to look at the menu.

The waiter returned and she ordered, “ I’ll have the Prosciutto wrapped Mozzarella and Bibb Stack Salad with a glass of house wine,” she stated.  Turning to Brian, she said, “You don’t mind if I have a glass of wine.  It is so indulgent to go to a place like this.  It’s like an illicit treat.”

Brian smiled half-heartedly at her thinly veiled comments about expenses and indulging.  “Of course, “ he said.  Turning toward the waiter he said, “I’ll have the Sushi-Grade Sesame Seared Tuna with Ginger Rice.  I want the Soy Sauce.”

“Of course. Would you like an appetizer, sir?”

“Field Greens,” Brian answered.

“And would you like a glass of wine as well?”

“No.  Just some ice tea, please.”

“Oh, Brian, “ Lindsay said with a light alarm to her voice.  “I don’t need that glass of wine.  You usually have a cocktail, so I thought….”

 “Please bring the lady her wine, sir,” Brian said.  

“Yes, sir.  Your appetizers will be out in a little while,” he said as he walked back to the kitchen to place the order.

The hamsters in Brian’s head had been busy all morning coming up with various scenarios and conversations that he would have with Lindsay at lunch. However,he had not come to a decision regarding the best option to tell her his news.  He sat quietly trying to decide which topic he should start with, the finances or the sobriety.  Luckily, Lindsay made the decision easy when she started talking.

“Brian, it was so nice of you to ask me to lunch. We haven’t done this in ages and I miss our little chats.  It's always nice to go out with you.  Whenever Mel and I go somewhere, it seems as if she is more worried about the price tag of the meal rather than enjoying the experience,” she said as she once again wished her spouse made more money and could provide for her in the way she had grown up.

“I’m so glad to see you are spending more time with Gus lately.  I’ve always encouraged your relationship,” Lindsay said.  She took a sip of the wine that had just been delivered to their table.  She smiled at the pleasant taste.  “This is such an indulgence.  Mel would just tell me that we have wine at home.  Don’t you want a drink?  You often have something when we go out together.”  Lindsay looked around the room, eyeing the other diners.  As she caught glimpses of several couples, hands touching or smiling at each other, she secretly envisioned Brian and herself on a nice afternoon lunch date.  While she knew she loved Melanie, there was always a part of her that had visions of her, Gus, and Brian making a small family.

Brian took a sip of his water and looked around the room.  They had been seated in the back of the restaurant, per his request.  He did not expect his conversation with Lindsay to be met with happiness, but he hoped that having it in a very public place where she might run into one of her acquaintances, might silence her protests or at least make them less vocal.  Lindsay was a member of the polished and elite and there were definitely rules regarding public outbursts.  

“Of course.  I’ve always enjoyed spending time with Gus.  No need to thank me for something that I want to do.  You know I never do anything unless I want to do it,”  Brian said, stating his motto that his family had heard repeatedly.

Brian watched as Lindsay nodded her head in agreement. They had known each other for over 15 years.  After meeting in college and a few dates that were more staged for Lindsay’s family than for either of their romantic notions, they had begun a strong friendship. While Brian had balked at providing the sperm for Lindsay and Mel, he had eventually capitulated. Now, that little boy had been the catalyst for him to stop drinking and take charge of his life.  He had made profound differences in Brian’s life as a result of his existence.  He couldn’t owe Gus a bigger debt.  He hadn’t thought of this concept when it came to his sobriety, but he thought that might be something he would share with Justin tonight.  The idea that he wanted to share that insight with Justin as well as the conversation and events of today with him was a new feeling.  He’d never had anyone that he cared enough about that he wanted to share ideas with and this made him smile.  

“Speaking of things that I want to do, I’ve decided that I’m going to stop giving you money for Gus.”

Lindsay felt her gut wrench and a feeling of dread came over her.  She felt light-headed and shocked.  “Brian,” she said, scrambling for the words to protest his decision.

Before she could finish her statement, he said, “I’m still going to provide for him, after all, he is my son as you so eloquently pointed out.  I’m just going to do it directly. It’s demeaning for you to be put in a position to constantly ask for money for various items and school outings when I can just pay for them outright.  You said yourself that you are so busy with work and the house that it is hard to keep up with all the requests.”  He took a sip of his water waiting to see her reaction.  He knew that she would most likely try to talk him out of his idea as that would mean she would not be able to slip random erroneous requests under his radar.  He watched her face for her reaction and true to his speculation, she appeared shocked and surprised by his statement.

Having a moment to think she quickly responded, “Oh, Brian, it’s no trouble asking you for things.  I think you are taking the little mixup at the school too seriously,” Lindsay said as she batted her eyes at him and looked at him coyly.  She knew her innocent look always worked in getting him to do what she wanted in the past and assumed it would work today.   “I wouldn’t want to burden you.  10-year old boys constantly need things and you would be at the store all the time.  It’s no trouble for me to buy Gus’ clothes and keep up with his school activities.”

“I had Ted do a little research, Lindsay,” he said, using her given name rather than the common form that he typically used.  “In the last 3 months, I’ve written checks for $3000 for expenses for Gus and that doesn’t include the times that he and I have gone shopping when he’s come to stay with me as well as all the money I give you outright.  As of today, all that stops.  I’ve informed the school to have them send any requests for activity funding directly to me.  Since I am spending more time with Gus on the weekends, I can take time when needed to buy his other necessities like clothing.  It’s time he stopped looking like the poster child for Big Q.”

Lindsay picked up her glass of wine and took several sips, trying desperately to convince Brian that she could handle Gus’ funds, but she was at a loss.  “Of course, we can try it your way, but I’m sure in a few months you’ll tire of having to do it all.  It is rather time-consuming.  Besides, you only see him a few times a month.  I’m sure you will not want to spend every weekend shopping for Gus,”  She smiled, trying to put doubts in his plans.

“About that.  I am going to have him every weekend from now on,” Brian said, deciding that he wasn’t going to ask her for permission and an opportunity to say no.

“Brian, that sounds wonderful, but we both know that Babylon and Woody’s will call and you’ll be calling me to tell me that you can’t have him this weekend.  I don’t think it's a good idea to disappoint him like that.”

“I haven’t been to Woody's or Babylon in over 2 months and I don’t intend to return to either,” Brian said.

The waiter brought their food and Lindsay watched him put the plate down.  She looked at her friend, trying to see if he showed any signs of illness.  “Brian, what’s wrong? Are you sick again?  Did the cancer come back?  Do you think it's a good idea for Gus to be around you if you are doing Chemo?  He’s older now and it would really impact him.”

“Nothing is wrong, Lindsay.  In fact, I feel better now than I have in years.  I stopped going to Babylon and Woody’s because I stopped drinking,” Brian said.  While he had this conversation all laid out in his head, it was not going at all as he expected.  He hadn’t planned on just saying the words, but rather than having Lindsay play 20 questions to get the information out of him, he just told her the information as if he were reading the options of a menu.  Now that he had spoken, he felt a wave of relief wash over him.  He had the law behind him and she could not forbid him from seeing Gus.

“You stopped drinking?  What does that mean, Brian?”

Brian smiled.  Evidently Michael’s impromptu visit to the loft yesterday had not made it to her little piece of the world.  At least he had the upper hand in the conversation.  “It means that I no longer drink.  I’ve been attending AA for about 2 months and I’ve been sober for a little longer than that.  It means that I don’t go to Babylon or Woody’s since there is liquor there.  It means that I have lots of time for my son.”

Lindsay listened to Brian and a million thoughts ran through her head.  “You’re an alcoholic!  Oh my, Brian.  When did this happen?  I can’t let Gus be with an alcoholic.  It's too dangerous.  He might be hurt. I’ll have to tell Gus that he can’t go with you this weekend.”  She started to get up from the table, not even touching her food. 

Brian grabbed her hand, essentially pulling her down to her seat. “Sit.”

“But…”

“No, buts.  Sit.”  He pointed to the chair and the combination of his stern voice and hold on her hand resulted in her sitting back down.  “Listen very carefully as I’m not going to repeat myself.  I didn’t suddenly become an alcoholic.  I’ve been one for many years.  But Gus has always been safe with me.  I would never endanger him.  I don’t drink now, so he is less at risk now than he was.  You will not keep my son from me.”

“Brian, alcoholism is a serious problem.  You could relapse and that would be terrible if Gus were with you.  He can be very trying.  I know some days, I just want to have a drink in the middle of the afternoon. As his parent, I can’t take that risk.”   She took another sip of her wine, not even registering that she was doing exactly what she told Brian.  

“I’ve been around Gus since he was born and I’ve been drinking for a lot longer than that.

 According to Pennsylvania law, I cannot give up my rights as I’m his biological parent.  That means that no matter what happens, he is my responsibility.”

Lindsay looked at him, questioning his statement.  “Since when do you quote Pennsylvania law?  Surely Melanie would know.”

“I consulted a lawyer and I have a DNA sample from Gus and myself that proves that he is my son.  As his parent, I have a financial responsibility to support him which I am now doing almost 100% of the time.”

“You consulted a lawyer? Regardless, I still don’t think it's a good idea for Gus to be spending time with you.”

“And that is why I consulted the lawyer.  It really doesn’t matter what you think.  According to the state of Pennsylvania, I cannot give up the financial responsibility to take care of my child and no one can keep my child away from me.  So, I will be picking up Gus on Friday afternoon as we discussed and he will be spending the weekend with me.  Brian picked up his fork and took a bite of his meal.  “This is delicious.  You were espousing how nice it was to enjoy a meal out without thinking about the cost.  I suggest you eat your lunch.”

Lindsay was furious. Brian had thrown too many punches at lunch.  She now realized that he purposely chose this posh restaurant to lessen the chance that she would throw a fit and embarrass herself.  She smiled sweetly, while inside she was seething at his trickery.  “I will.  Maybe I’ll have another glass of wine.  After all, you won’t be drinking any,” She said as she waved the waiter toward the table.  

When he arrived, she started to speak, but Brian cut her off.  “Can you pack up the lady’s lunch?  She isn’t feeling too well.  Oh, and if you could get her a cab, I’d appreciate it.”

“Yes Sir,” the waiter said as he took Lindsay's plate.  

“I suggest you go wait by the door.  Taxi’s come here frequently.  See you on Friday,” Brian said as he took another bite of his lunch.

Lindsay picked up her handbag and walked to the door.  She was handed her lunch in an aluminum foil wrap that resembled a swan.  “Good afternoon, madam.  I hope you are feeling better soon,” the Maitre D said as he waved down a cab for her.

She took the aluminum foil packet, held her hand up high, and walked to the cab.  She gave the driver the address of Melanie’s office and sat back on the seat, reviewing the unnerving events of the last hour.

TBC

Brian watched Lindsay walk, head held high, but with her body stiff as a board, toward the front of the restaurant.  She didn’t look back at him, just spoke to the Maitre D as he handed her the wrapped food. Returning to his lunch, he put each bite in his mouth, savoring the mix of ginger and spices.  He’d never been an overeater, especially since the food at home was never particularly appealing, often being typical Irish food, bland.  His mother often couldn’t be bothered with cooking as she was too drunk or at church praying for the redemption of her soul.  Therefore, Brian and his sister, had often scrounged for dinner, opting for peanut butter sandwiches or a can of soup.  At least his mother did go to the grocery to fill up on those easily prepared staples.

Before he stopped drinking, food had been something he consumed. He was more concerned with the impact it had on his waistline rather than the cuisine.  He had noticed about a month into his journey that he actually appreciated the taste of food, often being surprised by the rich array of spices and seasonings that were available. He remembered the first time he ate at Debbie’s house, the smell of true Italian cooking wafting through her home when he walked in the door always gave him a feeling of warmth.  He’d associated Italian spices with Debbie since the first time he had eaten at the Novotny’s home.  Gus and Emmett’s pizza extravaganza last weekend reminded him of his teenage years at Deb’s, as well as the familiar Italian spices wafted through his loft.  Smiling fondly as he pictured Gus’ enthusiasm, while he helped Emmett prepare the pizza.  He’d thought that cooking might be something he’d like to pursue, especially now that he realized that food could be enjoyable.  He wasn’t sure if he wanted to go down that road, having heard of many people who stopped drinking, only to gain a lot of weight.  He’d read in the literature as well as overheard a few participants discuss that topic before AA meetings. Alcoholics often missed meals or forgot to eat when they were drinking, substituting their calories with alcohol instead of food.  While alcohol had calories, it was often less than a person would consume if they were eating.  Either way, he wasn’t ready to invest in an array of spices, seasonings and cooking lessons.  His evenings were taken up by his meetings and now his weekends would be busy with Gus.

As he finished his meal, he signaled for the check.  While waiting for the waiter, he allowed himself to review his short conversation with Lindsay.  While it had not gone like he anticipated, he was pleased that he remained calm and told Lindsay how things were going to be.  He had no doubt that the discussion was far from over and that there would be lots of tears, shouts and threats directed at him, but he was expecting no less.  He had essentially closed the barn door on the “Bank of Brian” while at the same time telling Lindsay that she really had no recourse and could no longer use Gus as a pawn to get what she wanted from him. He felt proud of himself, advocating for what he wanted versus what someone wanted or expected from him. He was continuing his journey to be proactive in his life, versus reactive. He was excited to tell Justin about his success.  Starting to take out his phone, he smiled at his actions.  He’d never had anyone that he wanted to share with and realized that he liked having someone who was interested in something besides his money.

After paying his bill, he returned to the office where he met Ted in the hallway. 

Ted glanced at his watch, a Rolex that he’d purchased with his bonus check he received a few years ago.  As he lifted his eyebrows and slightly tilted his head, he walked to his office and Brian followed, recognizing the invitation. Ted waved his arm toward his client chair and walked behind his desk to take a seat in the large executive chair. 

“She didn’t know anything when we got to the restaurant, but now she knows the “Bank of Brian” is closed and I’m an alcoholic,” Brian said, no inflection in his voice as if he were reviewing the third quarter profits for the business. 

Ted debated how he wanted to respond.  He could ask how Brian felt about the meeting or he could wait for Brian to talk.  He could ask for directions from Brian regarding any communication from Lindsay or he could interpret Brian’s actions as he thought Brian would. He could also choose to discuss information pertinent to Kinnetik, basically ignoring Brian’s current concerns.  Before he had a chance to choose an option, Brian spoke.

“You should have seen her, ordering a glass of wine and going on and on about how she doesn’t get to eat at such nice places as they aren’t family friendly and very expensive. She then started on how she was so happy that I was spending time with Gus, building our relationship.”  Brian looked at the credenza in Ted’s office, noticing a Keurig with a small tree of coffee pods.  Standing up, he walked to the credenza and perused the pods, picking out a dark roast.  After putting the pod in the top, he poured water in the top and placed a mug underneath.  While it was brewing, he turned to Ted, “That’s when I informed her that I didn’t do anything that I didn’t want to do and that I didn’t want to give her money anymore.”  His coffee stopped brewing and he took the mug out. Brian picked up 3 of the sugar packets Ted kept in a small container next to the Keurig and prepared his coffee, returning to his seat.

“It was actually amusing to watch her scramble as she tried to convince me that 10-year-old boys need things constantly and that I’d be at the store all the time. It was obvious to me that she already knew that if I did all the shopping and paid for all of Gus’s school activities that she'd be out a lot of cash. As you and I discussed earlier, I’d written out checks for over $3000 for Gus in the last six months and that didn’t include the money I’d spent directly on him.”

“I assume that you told her this first, before you told her about the sobriety?” Ted asked.  He was very pleased that Brian was confiding in him.  He owed Brian a huge debt when he’d given him a chance after his own involvement with Crystal.  He understood this conversation was so much more than Brian sharing information about his finances.  As his accountant, he knew that Brian had more than sufficient income to continue to support Gus in the way Lindsay was used to.  This conversation was about taking control of his life, making decisions that were right for him.  It was a part of his recovery.  Ted was elated Brian wanted to include him on such an integral level of his recovery.

“Yes.  I informed her that I would have plenty of time to take Gus shopping since I would be spending every weekend with him.  Of course, she told me that couldn’t possibly work since I would miss Woody’s and Babylon.  That’s when I told her that I hadn’t been going due to being an alcoholic.  And true to form, she informed me that it wasn’t safe for me to have Gus if I was an alcoholic and she started to get up from the table.  Of course, she protested, but when I told her that I had seen a lawyer, I could actually see the wheels turning in her head.”  Brian drank some of his coffee, the drink having cooled down from the brewing process. He compared it to the coffee at the various places he and Justin had been going to after their meetings, deciding that the diners Justin and he frequented served a better brew.

“Originally, I told her to eat her lunch, but then decided that I wanted to enjoy my lunch and I had accomplished my goals.  I called the waiter over and informed him that Lindsay wasn’t feeling well and to wrap up her food and call her a cab.  She wasn’t going to create a scene in the restaurant as I’m sure she was fearful that it would get back to the “important people”.  She is so transparent.  I almost feel sorry for her.  I’m done with her manipulations and fantasies.  She is the mother of my child so I have to keep a relationship with her, but I will no longer allow her to control the number and types of interactions I have with him.  The lawyer has already filed the DNA information with the courts.  If she fights, she will lose.  Gus was the impetus for my sobriety, I’m not forgetting his role in changing my life.”

“Unfortunately, she reacted exactly as you had anticipated.  I’m glad you decided to contact a lawyer before you told her.  Do you think she will fight you?”

“I’m sure she is on her way to the “she wolf’s” office as we speak.  I would expect my phone to start ringing soon.  The “she wolf” will most likely be angry and tell me I can’t have Gus while Lindsay will try to appeal to my vanity, telling me that my time at the gym would be impacted if I had Gus.  I can almost hear the conversations in my head. She is quite predictable.” Brian finished his cup of coffee, placing it on the stone coaster on the small table that was between the two office chairs.  “While I had practiced how I wanted to tell Lindsay numerous times, I hadn’t decided the exact conversation.  In the end, I stated my decisions with no room for compromise.  Lindsay is used to getting her way, but when it was obvious that I was not open to her suggestions, she balked.  Of course, I have no intention of listening to any messages at this time.  My phone is on silent and I will instruct Cynthia to take a message if either of them call.”  Brian looked at the large clock with Roman Numerals on the wall, realizing he’d taken enough time with the situation. 

“I have work to finish before I leave for my meeting tonight. Thanks for asking how the lunch went,” Brian said as he stood up, walking to the side of Ted’s desk to give him a handshake.  “I appreciate that.”

“Any time,” Ted said as he shook Brian’s hand and walked with him to the door.  “Let me know if you need anything.”

Brian walked toward his office, realizing that Ted’s words were said with genuine feeling.  It was odd to think that he had friends who actually cared about what happened in his life.

Returning to his office, he checked his phone, guaranteeing it that it was on silent.  Opening up the file he was working on this morning, he read through the information, making necessary changes.  He continued working until the alarm on his phone went off, notifying him that it was time to leave so he could get to his AA meeting on time.  He saved his work, grabbed his briefcase, and left the building.

As he drove to the meeting, he found he was excited to talk to Justin. He parked the car, walked into the meeting, and located Justin at the proverbial coffee table. Justin smiled when he saw Brian which made Brian smile in return.  He realized that Justin was happy to see him. 

“I see you made it through the day.  How’d it go?”  Justin asked.

“I listened to the messages like you suggested.  Most were from Mikey as I suspected.  One was from Deb chastising me for not telling her but saying she was happy for me.  And then there was one from Lindsay verifying my weekend plans for Gus,” Brian said.

“Pretty much what you thought,” Justin said.  He grabbed the Styrofoam cup of mediocre coffee and walked to a corner of the room. 

Brian followed him.  “I invited Lindsay to lunch. Since she still appeared to be far enough removed from the gay grapevine, I decided I needed to tell her before she heard it from someone else.”

“How’d that go?”  Justin was eager to hear the answer, concerned how Brian would handle the confrontation.

“The food was delicious, although I’m sure that Lindsay didn’t enjoy her’s,” Brian said, tongue in cheek, smiling at the vision of Lindsay being handed her food by the Maitre D.  “I had rehearsed the conversation in my head so many times that I’m not sure what the final version of the conversation actually was supposed to look like. Regardless of the actual words I used, she reacted exactly how I expected.  Indignant.  Denying that I was an alcoholic and then telling me I couldn’t be with Gus as it wasn’t safe.”

“You seem to know her well,” Justin said.

Brian pulled out his phone, scrolling to the missed call section.  “And true to form, I have 8 messages from her, 2 from her “she-wolf’ and another 5 from Mikey. There is one from Debbie and another one from Ted, I’m not changing my mind about any of my decisions and no phone call, tears, or threats are going to impact me moving forward.”

“Good for you.  I’m proud of you,” Justin said as he reached over to give Brian a hug as he carefully balanced his half full cup of coffee.

Brian found himself accepting the hug without feeling awkward.  He wasn’t used to physical contact except in the context of sex.  He heard the leader calling for the meeting to start.  “I guess we better join the group,” he said as he walked toward the small circle of chairs. 

As usual, Brian and Justin found two chairs next to each other.  Today the leader of the group was a woman, and everyone turned toward her as she spoke.

“Hi, I’m Katherine and I’ll be your leader tonight.  Good evening and welcome.  If anyone is new to sobriety, there is a newcomer group next door in room 5 but everyone is welcome to stay,” she said as she looked at the ten people sitting in a small circle.  When no one moved, she continued.  “Tonight, we are going to talk about Finding Freedom through Sobriety.  When I was drinking, alcohol controlled my life.  My thoughts were about my next drink or when I could leave my current activity so I could drink.  Being sober for three years has helped me realize that alcohol controlled me more than I ever imagined.”

A man with slightly graying hair at his temples who sat next to Brian spoke.  “I’m Sam and I’ve been sober for 8 months.  I always thought that I controlled my drinking.  You know, I can stop when I want to, but now that I’ve been sober for a while, I realize it was the other way around.  The alcohol controlled me.”

Several members of the group nodded in agreement.  “Hi, I’m Clarissa and I’ve been sober for over 2 years.  I know exactly what you mean, Sam.  At first, I thought that I was the one in control. I had the choice to buy the alcohol, drink the alcohol, but then I realized that the addiction controlled me.  My body craved the dull sensation that alcohol allowed me to enjoy.  I didn’t have to feel any disappointment.  I didn’t have to judge my interactions with others or lack of interactions.  All I had to do was get the alcohol.  Now that I’m sober, I realize that I allowed the alcohol to be my shield.  If I was drinking I didn’t have to confront my fears and self-loathing.  Now, I can engage in life, not hiding behind my fears.”

The group of people listened to each speaker, allowing each person to share their thoughts and feelings.  One thing that Brian had learned was that everyone wanted to help one another.  They came for themselves but also for others.  He remembered feeling skeptical when Justin had offered to be his sponsor and help him with this sobriety.  No one had ever offered to help him with anything without some ulterior motive.  But here was this man who volunteered to guide him in his journey of sobriety.  Brian was thankful that Justin had offered that night.  He didn’t want to think what might have happened if no one had stepped up or the person who stepped up had a different agenda. 

Brian said, “I’ve been sober for two months and I’m beginning to realize all the things in life that I’ve been missing.  I didn’t really think about alcohol controlling me or me controlling it.  I never really had the thought that I could stop any time, because I didn’t think I had a problem, so I didn’t need to stop.  But now that I’m sober, I finally realize how my drinking was impacting my life.  I was going through the motions rather than living.”

Katherine said, “Sounds like you’ve started making some changes in your life.”  She looked at Brian and smiled. 

Brian said, “Yes.”

“I want to thank everyone for sharing tonight.  Change is slow.  We all strive to be a part of something, not alone.  Coffee is at the back.  Remember, we only have the room for about half an hour.  See you next week,” Katherine said.

Justin and Brian stood up, walking toward the exit and their respective cars.  “The diner two blocks over?” Justin asked as they walked down the steps of the community center.

“Of course.  I had some of Ted’s coffee this afternoon and I compared it to the diner.  Believe it or not, the diner’s was better.  I’ve been thinking about the coffee all afternoon.”

Justin laughed.  “See you there.  I’ll order us some coffee if I get there before you.”

They arrived at the same time and were seated in the back of the diner.  Brian ordered a coffee as did Justin.  While they waited for their coffee to arrive, Justin said, “Tonight’s topic was really pertinent to what’s going on in your life.  I was happy to hear that you spoke up in group.”

“I never thought that AA or any of this was real.  I always thought it was mumbo jumbo, but every meeting I learn something new.    I just wish that every meeting did not leave those pesky hamsters running around my head.  Every morning I think I’ve got stuff under control, and then I attend a meeting at night and learn more things about my journey.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m okay with it, I just want to know all of it so I can get those damn hamsters out of my head,” Brian said.  The waitress brought their coffee and Brian spent a few minutes opening the sugars and fixing it to his liking. 

“Brian, I’ve been attending meetings for over a year and I still learn new things.  The topics aren’t really new or different, it's that we are in a different place when we hear them.  If you think back to the first meeting you attended, what do you remember?”

“I remember saying I was an alcoholic and then you came up to me offering to be my sponsor.  I remember almost turning around and walking out before the meeting even started.”

“Do you remember the topic of the meeting that night?”

Brian drank some coffee, racking his brain for the information, but came up short. “No.”

Justin asked, “Do you remember the meeting from two weeks ago?”

Brain was quiet for a moment and shook his head, “No.  Crap. Does that mean that I’m fooling myself regarding my sobriety?”  Brian asked, both wanting and not wanting to hear Justin’s answer.

“No.  You are not fooling yourself.  It’s just like I said.  Every day you are in a different place in your journey.  You pick up different pieces of the message.  Sometimes you are ready to hear the whole message, but other times, it's a little piece of what is said that impacts you.  Tonight, we talked about seeking freedom, being there for ourselves and our lives. We are free from the pull of alcohol,” Justin said.

“I’m free to be a father to Gus and to figure out what I want from my life.  The alcohol was just an excuse to not live my life.  I was just going through the motions,” Brian said.

“Exactly.  You’ve made some huge decisions regarding Gus; The DNA test, the financial entanglements, and contacting a lawyer regarding your rights.  Those decisions were not due to attending one specific meeting, but rather a result of a cumulative effect. Life is a journey and if we stop learning, we stop living.”

“Are you sure you’re not a Philosophy teacher?” Brian said, the light teasing evident in his voice.

“Nope.  Only philosophy I have is that you only live once, so you need to enjoy the ride to the maximum.”

“I guess I’ve been living in an alcohol fog for so many years, I’m still figuring out what I want my life to be,” Brian said.

“Life is messy.  We might think we have a path, but the path can change.  Often something horrible happens to a person, someone dies, they encounter someone who is hurting, or they lose their job, and that is an impetus for change.”   Justin took a sip of his coffee and heard his stomach growl.  Ignoring his stomach, he continued, “The person might have been a high level executive and their child died in a car accident.  That person may turn to advocacy to change the laws for safer cars, leaving corporate America for a position in government.  All I’m saying is that you don’t have to make every life decision in the next 3 months or even the next 6 months.” Justin reached for the menu in the rack at the edge of their table.   “Are you hungry?  The waitress is looking at us like a hawk, but since we haven’t even picked up our menus yet, she is keeping her space,” Justin asked.

“I could eat.” 

Brian picked up the menu and perused it quickly, and then put it back.   When both men had replaced the menu in the holders, the waitress came to take their order.

“Could I have more coffee, please?” Brian asked as he finished his cup of coffee.

“Certainly.  I’ll bring some out when the pot is finished brewing. It should be just a few more minutes,” the waitress said.

Brian said, “When we talk, what you say makes perfect sense.  I always drive home with the feeling that I’m on the right path, but then I get home and start mulling over the conversations, which in turn gets those damn hamsters running amok in my head”

The waitress came to the table, pouring each of them a fresh cup of coffee.  “Just finished brewing.  Your food will be right up.”

Both Brian and Justin nodded and said thank you to the waitress. She left, leaving them alone to continue their conversation.

“I’ve always liked order, maybe because I grew up in chaos.  Neither of my parents were great role models.  I definitely didn’t aspire to walk in my father’s footsteps, working in a factory all day. My mother spent all her time at the church and that definitely didn’t appeal to me.”

Brian stopped talking and was quiet for a few moments.  “However, I guess I did follow in their footsteps.  Both were drinkers and probably alcoholics. I remember many nights when my father would come home, staying only long enough to take money from the jar so he could join his buddies at the union hall for a drink.  Mom was always saying she needed a little Sherry to calm her nerves.” Brian took 3 sugar packets and prepared the new cup of coffee.  Blowing on the hot drink, he took a tentative sip and smiled, licking his lips in enjoyment.

“I decided at an early age that I was going to college and make something of my life. Here I am, owner of a boutique advertising agent.  Success.  But you’re right again.  My life is changing.  My son, who I never expected to have or want in my life was the impetus for change.”

“Right. Even three months ago, you wouldn’t have dreamed that you would be sitting in a diner with me,” Justin said as he also prepared his coffee to his liking.  “Remember we have talked about sobriety.  It’s not like a syllabus where you can check off the items on the list and then you have completed the course.”

“I’m just not good at not having a plan,” Brian said.  The waitress brought their food. Brian’s mouth began watering as the smell of his dinner hit his nostrils.  He cut into his chicken and took a bite.  “This is good.”

“You like order and not knowing where everything will end is difficult for you,” Justin said, trying to make sure he understood what Brian was saying.

“Yes.  I want to know that my sobriety is going to make my relationship with Gus great.”

“Unfortunately, we have no guarantees in life.  I can’t tell you that sobriety will result in a great relationship, but I can tell you that by being sober, you have control over your actions.  You are not always thinking of the next drink or hanging out at the bars so you can get high.  When you’re sober, you are clear headed, drink isn’t controlling you, calling you to come and drown your fears and insecurities.”

“It’s what Katherine was talking about at the meeting. I’m free to make my own decisions and I have the ability to make my own destiny?” Brian said as he started to ingrain the ideas from tonight’s meeting.

“Exactly.  Freedom means a lot of things, but in our world, freedom is associated with the ability to choose how we live our lives.  It means having the freedom to make friends, address our feelings, and to be a part of our lives, not an outsider who watches what happens to us without being a participant.”  Justin took a bite of his hamburger, appreciating that diners had good food, not just good coffee. 

When he first became Brian’s sponsor, he remembered convincing him by extolling the virtues of the diner nearby.  He had made a little hobby of rating the coffee shops around the area since he was fond of the drink. He’d started this hobby when he’d been kicked out of his home; therefore, money was tight.  It was relatively inexpensive, much less than alcohol. He could order a pot, drinking it as he people watched and thought about his own life. Unfortunately, after he had finished the pot, he moved to the liquor stores where he bought several bottles of rum to dull the pain of his life.

“I’m free to make my life what I want, and I want to have Gus in my life.”

“See, you do know what you want right now.  What Gus in your life looks like is still an unknown, but you’ve come a long way from that first meeting,” Justin said.

“I am making changes in my life.  I guess at some point I have to listen to my messages,” Brian said. 

“Do you want me to listen with you? I can do that.”  Justin took another bite of his burger, thinking that maybe he needed to start a new hobby of which restaurants had the best burgers.

Brian thought about Justin’s offer for a moment.  “My first reaction was that I can do this on my own and I don’t need anyone there.  But I think that would be great.  While I can do it on my own, I think I would benefit from your neutral viewpoint.  You have no vested interest in the outcome, and I think that would be helpful.  Besides, you have the uncanny ability to make me think through things and analyze shit.  I guess I’m learning that I don’t have to do everything by myself.”

Justin nodded in agreement, pleased that Brian had taken him up on his offer.  “Do you want to listen to them here or go somewhere else?”

“I’d like to go to my loft.  If you are there, we could talk and maybe put the hamsters to bed before I go to sleep,” Brian said tongue in cheek. Brian ate a few bites more of his chicken, enjoying the savory spices. 

“I find eating a lot more enjoyable these days. Does that sound weird?  I mean I never used to think about food or what it tasted like, but today at the restaurant, I was enjoying the spicy ginger on my Sushi.”

“It makes perfect sense.  When you’re drinking, it doesn’t just dull your feelings and emotions.  The liquor is a sedative and dulls your taste buds too. It has a lot of effects on your body.  When people who have been drinking are in car accidents, they are often more likely to walk away unscathed or with minimal harm. That’s because alcohol relaxes the muscles.  It also impacts your memory, causing you to forget what you did while you were drinking,” Justin said, giving Brian his little PSA about the effects of drinking on the human body.

Brian laughed at Justin’s little talk.  “You sound like a PSA.”

Justin smiled, “I guess I do, a little.  AA has taught me a lot and I want to share my knowledge.  There are a lot of alcoholics who become treatment counselors because they want to help others who have experienced what they have.  They have this feeling that they want to help alcoholics like they were helped. However, that idea is a little misguided.”

“Misguided?” Brian asked.

“How long have you been attending AA?” Justin asked.

“About 2 months,” Brian said.

“Right.  Do you think if I told you all the things, we’ve discussed in group on the first day or even in the first week, it would have made it any less painful to admit how much alcohol has controlled your life?”

Brian was quiet for a moment before he answered.  “We were just talking about that.  I told you I wanted to know all the information so I could sort it out, but you explained that I needed to hear it gradually.  Sobriety is a journey and people process the information at different rates.  It's frustrating, but I understand how it is helpful.”

“Now, don’t get me wrong, treatment counselors who have been alcoholics make great counselors.  They have been there, done that as it were.  It's just that they really can’t speed up the process for someone who is starting the journey.  They can empathize and truly understand the struggles.  However, if someone doesn’t want to get sober or is being pushed into it by others, they won’t be successful.  The desire for sobriety has to come from within and it's a lot of work.  Whether you have a counselor who has been an alcoholic or has never touched alcohol, the success of sobriety is up to the individual.”

“Another PSA.  But how do you know?”

“I listen.  I’ve talked to many attendees at meetings and heard so many stories about other addicts’ journeys.  I would be wealthy if I had $100 for every time I heard ‘I went to treatment x times, but it never stuck because I wasn’t ready.  This time I’m ready.’ Treatment facilities are filled with former alcoholics just like every meeting you attend is filled with people trying to remain sober.  There is more structure in a treatment facility, but the goal is the same, sobriety.”

“So treatment programs don’t work?”

“They work.  In fact, the research shows that people who go through treatment and then come to AA have a higher success rate than those who don’t join AA.  It's a little harder to judge AA effectiveness since it is anonymous.  However, the research shows that 50% of people who attend just AA were still clean after three years, but only 25% of people who only attended treatment were clean. There is good evidence that AA alone can work for those people who attend regularly,” Justin said, sounding like a professional researcher.

“I can’t see me going to a treatment facility.  I think that would have been too many rules. Did you ever try a treatment center?” Brian asked, but added, “I’m impressed that you have all those statistics.  I’ve never heard those in a meeting.  Don’t you think they would help sway people to participate?”

“Not really.  I think people get sober when they are ready.  So keeping that in mind, I think that a treatment center or AA would be good. It's a personal choice.  As for a treatment center, I thought about it, but felt AA met my needs better.  I guess I’m one of the 50% since I’m still sober after a year.”

“I’m glad you were a success and have been there for me.  It’s getting late, if you want to wait till tomorrow to listen to the messages, I would understand,” Brian said, wanting to be respectful of Justin’s time, but also feeling a little guilty that he was asking for Justin’s time.

“I’m glad to help.  It's not that late, only 9:45.  If you want to wait, that’s fine, but I have a sneaking suspicion that if you wait, you’ll be thinking about them until you do listen to them.”

“True.  Okay, let’s get the checks.  I only live about 15 minutes away.  I live at 515 Tremont, right off Liberty Avenue.”

Justin took out his phone and tapped on his note app, typing in the address.  “Sounds good.  Let’s pay the bill and go listen to your messages.  See, you are taking charge of your life, even in this area.”

Brian smiled at Justin’s praise.  It felt good to have someone acknowledge his actions.

The waitress brought their checks, they paid their bills, and left the diner to drive to Brian’s home. 

TBC

 *For those interested,  here are the statistics to back up the statements in the story. They are from a study from an article citing The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.  The article was updated 11-2-2020

â—�     The one-year and three-year follow-up points indicated that half of the participants who entered into AA on their own were abstinent while only a quarter of those who entered into formal treatment were abstinent at the time of the follow-up.

â—�     The eight-year follow-up showed that 46% of those who chose formal treatment were abstinent while 49% of individuals who attended AA were abstinent.

â—�     Results revealed that those with alcohol issues who participated in both formal treatment and AA were more likely to be abstinent than those in formal treatment between years one and three, but did not show much difference in abstinence rates after eight years. This group did not show much difference with the AA-only group across the follow-up period in terms of abstinence rates.

â—�     The results concluded that for some, AA attendance can be a source of recovery.

Brian and Justin arrived at Brian's home within minutes of each other.  Brian got out of his vehicle and waited while Justin parked his car.  They walked together toward the red brick building.

"You live by Liberty Avenue.  I guess I wouldn't have pictured you in a space like this," Justin commented as Brian opened the door to the lobby. 

"When I landed my first job in advertising I wanted to own my own place.  I wanted to get as far away from the blue-collar, run-down neighborhood as I could.  I guess I hoped that moving into an area so far removed from my parents would make it difficult, if not impossible for them to find me."

"I remember you mentioned your parents at your first meeting.  Do they know you are clean?"

"Good ole dad died a few years back and mom is still probably drinking her Sherry to "calm her nerves".  I honestly could not give a flying fuck," Brian said.

"Okay,"  Justin said.  "I know my mom was really happy when I finally got clean.  We had a rocky time when I was drinking, but she is very supportive. I'm sorry that you don't have that kind of support."

"No apologies, no regrets.  She gave birth to me, but good ole dad wanted her to have an abortion.  He didn't want me and told me more times than I can count that I was useless and should never have been born.  Of course, we can't forget about all the beatings I took,"  Brian said as he pushed the button for the elevator to take him to the loft level of the building.

"The elevator is old, but it works most of the time.  There is something I like about living in a building with an ancient elevator. Sort of a physical divide between the old world and the new."

Justin didn't respond, just tucked the information into his memory. He'd learned that people who have rocky childhoods often experience mental health issues as adults.  Many people turned to drugs, alcohol or a combination of the two to self-medicate, addressing their feelings of low self-worth and lack of self-esteem.  While Brian appeared successful, owning his business and having a number of friends, he definitely did not feel comfortable with feelings and understanding himself. 

They rode the elevator up to the loft and stepped out. Brian punched in the code for the door and pushed back the sliding door.  After placing his keys on the hook on the wall, he waved his arm in an arc, "home, sweet home," he said.

Justin took in Brian's home.  It was filled with expensive furniture highlighted with steel appliances and gray granite on the kitchen counters.  It looked like a model home or something from a photoshoot, rather than an actual place someone would live. 

"As I said the other night, it needs some color.  I think that I was constantly assaulted by too much noise, music, and glitter from Woody's and Babylon. When I came home, I wanted minimal stimuli.  Now that I don't go to the bars, I've noticed that my place lacks color and contrast. Next time you have a show, I'd like to come.  Maybe there is something that can add a little color to my world."

Justin nodded and said, "Sure.  I forgot that you had asked.  I'll bring you an invite tomorrow."

Brian walked to the kitchen, opened the fridge, and got out a bottle of water.  Turning toward Justin he said, "Want one, or should I make some coffee?"  He grinned at his offer.  "You know it is your fault that I've become a coffee snob.  Sure, I liked coffee before I got sober, but now I judge every cup I drink against the different diners that we go to."  

"Water is fine,"  Justin said. 

Brian grabbed two bottles of water and brought them to the living area.  Sitting down on the white leather couch, he motioned for Justin to join him.

"You have a beautiful home,"  Justin said as he sat down, his eyes still taking in all the space. 

"It's strange.  Gus was here frequently, but other than that, the only people who saw the place were the frequent parade of tricks.  Since they were here to fuck, the only thing they worried about was where the bed was."  He unscrewed the top of his bottle and took several drinks. He placed the bottle on the coaster.  "My home was a place where my bed was since I rarely spent time here unless I was sleeping or working," Brian said.  He looked around the loft, taking in the space as if he'd seen it for the first time.  

"It needs color, not a lot, but some.  Anyway, I didn't invite you here to look at my home.  I guess I should listen to the messages so you can get on back to your life."

"Brian, I offered to come.  As your sponsor, I want to support you in any way I can.  You've been working the program and forging a plan for your new life. This is probably the first real hurdle you've come across that isn't directly related to drinking. I want to be there for you."  Justin ran his hand over the couch, enjoying the soft fabric.

Brian didn't respond as he did not really know what to say.  Instead, he took out his phone and scrolled to the phone messages, placed his phone on the table, clicked the speaker button, and hit play.

"Brian, it's Lindsay.  I know you think you want to handle all of Gus' purchases, but it would really cut into your time.  Call me.  I've got some ideas," Lindsay said in a very calm voice as if she were discussing an upcoming school event that she was asking Brian to attend. 

Brian shook his head, hit delete, and played the next message. 

"Brian, every time I turn around, Gus needs clothes and shoes, and you'd be at the store all the time.  I really can't see you constantly shopping for a 10-year-old.  We can figure this out.  Call me," Lindsay said.

Brian hit delete and said,  "Obviously the idea of losing access to my money is not making her happy. Maybe she needs to find a spending anonymous group.  She seems to be addicted to my money." 

Justin laughed.  "Well there is a gamblers anonymous, but I'm not aware of a spending anonymous movement.  However, from what you say she might be using your money to maintain her lifestyle."

"I think you're right."  Brian shook his head and hit play to hear the next message. 

"Brian, Melanie says there is no such law.  Call me," Lindsay said, ending the call in a very abrupt tone.

"She must have been in the cab when the other messages were made."  He picked up his phone to look at the time stamp on them and they were made about 2:30.  Calculating the time he returned to Kinnetik, he said, "I can just see it now, her barging into Melanie's office, not bothering to find out if she had a client or was in a meeting, and demanding her attention right this minute."

"I take it from your description that she has done this with you on several occasions."

"She's tried, but I have Cynthia, my amazing assistant, who is the gatekeeper to my office. She knows better than to just let anyone in my office.  She has called security on Michael and Lindsay in the past.  Right now she has orders to do so if Michael comes to the office."  Brian took a drink of water and was reminded of Ted's comments this morning when he walked in.  Ted anticipated Michael's probable reaction to his revelation last night and had taken steps to protect Brian.  Ted really was more than his CFO.

"Melanie does not practice family law.  In fact, I bet she is unaware of the mandates in Pennsylvania.  If she had, I doubt she would have pushed for the financial support of Gus.  If she had not allowed Lindsay to receive money from me, then they could have grounds to go to court and try to deny visitation based on non-support."

"Is that part of what you and the lawyer discussed?" Justin asked.  He knew that Brian's access to Gus was important and he'd go to any lengths to maintain that. Justin watched Brian as he listened to the messages.  At first, he was smiling as if he pulled a prank on a friend, but when the conversation turned toward legal matters, his face was different, he frowned, and he put his forefinger and thumb on the bridge of his nose as if he was trying to push away a headache. 

"Yes.  When I showed Kera the receipts for all the things I bought and the cashed checks, she said that was great documentation if Mel and Linds tried to deny me access to Gus.  The courts would review the financial support and the past history of visitation in a positive light."

"So it would be a non-issue if you pushed for more access?" Justin saw Brian remove his finger and thumb and a faint smile appear.

"They could try to use my tricking and drugging as a ploy in the courts that I was unsuitable, but since I have many character witnesses stating that these activities are nonexistence for the last 2+ months, the courts would most likely throw out any petition."

"I'm glad you went to see a lawyer before all this started.  I think it will help you feel more confident in your rights regarding your son.  I'd vouch for you, after all, I have seen you every day for the last 60+ days and you've attended AA every day."

Brian smiled. "Thank you. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I appreciate your support."

Brian hit delete and the next message started.

"Brian, I don't know what game you're playing, but Gus is an innocent child. You can't tell him that you will have him every weekend, and then decide you are too busy.  Call me," Lindsay said, the aggravation starting to show in her voice.

Brian deleted that message as well.  Brian turned toward Justin, "You sure you want to hear these?  It sounds like a broken record."

"I'm sure. That last one was starting to sound pretty desperate.  How many more are there?" Justin asked.

Brian picked up his phone and looked at the call logs.  "There are 5 messages from Lindsay, 5 more from Michael, 2 from Debbie, and 1 from Ted."

"Wow.  Continue," Justin said as he smiled at Brian.  

Brian picked up his phone and hit play again.  "Brian, what the fuck kind of games are you playing?  There is no such law in Pittsburgh.  I refuse to let my son be exposed to your delusions.  From here on out, you will not be able to spend time alone with him.  I'll make sure of it,"  Melanie said.  

He picked up the phone, verifying that she was not one of the callers. "She must have used Lindsay's phone.  I'm glad that I went to see a lawyer before the shit hit the fan.  I will contact Kera in the morning."  He did not delete that message as he wanted to play it for his lawyer.

He hit play again.  "Brian, stop ignoring me.  I don't know who told you that you are an alcoholic, but they are wrong.  I would know if you were an alcoholic.  I'm your best friend.  Call me so we can go hang out at Woody's or Babylon," Michael said.

Justin listened to the message from Michael and was concerned. Brian had shared with him their conversation when he canceled going to Babylon and also had told him about the time Michael had come to his place almost mandating that he join him at the bars.  

"I know that must be hard hearing your good friend deny your addiction," Justin said. He opened his bottle of water and took a drink.  "Usually it's the addict who denies there is a problem,, but it is often the friends that push the person into recovery."  Justin wanted to offer his support to Brian.  He was glad he offered to sit with him and process these calls.  While he knew Brian could do so himself, having someone who could bounce ideas was probably helpful.  

"I've done a lot of thinking about Mikey and our friendship.  Unfortunately, I think this is the last straw.  I can't spend my energy convincing him I have a problem.  I want my energy and time for Gus.  I guess I will give him the opportunity to choose, now that he knows the real reason why I've stopped going to the bars.  If he continues to badger me, I'll have to quit our friendship."

"I'm sorry.  I know you've been friends for a long time," Justin said, understanding his situation. Many people have friendships that are based on drinking. When they become sober, many of those friendships go by the wayside because their common bond was drinking. Still, it is hard to make lasting friendships, and losing them is always difficult. 

"I don't believe in sorry.  I have to live my life in the best way for me, not based on what other people think is the best for me.  I'm discovering the people in my life who matter." 

Brian picked up the phone and hit delete.  "I guess we should finish these.  While you have generously agreed to sit through these messages, I'm sure you have better things to do with your time."

"Brian, Gus is in his room crying his eyes out.  I told him he couldn't go with you this weekend.  I don't want him upset.  It's not good for his health," Lindsay said over the crying noises in the background. 

"That bitch!! How dare she tell Gus he can't see me.  I'm sending an email to the lawyer right now.  She is not going to stop me from seeing my kid," Brian said as he picked up his phone and opened his personal email.  He emailed the lawyer and attached the voice file to the message. Brian stood up, unable to sit calmly.  He paced the loft, trying to dissipate some of his anger. After taking a few minutes and banging a few walls with his flat hand, he returned to the couch and looked at his phone, seeing there were only a few more to listen to.

He hit play.

"Honey, why don't you stop by the diner tomorrow on your way home?  Have you said anything to Joan?  I saw her at the church last week when I went to light a candle for Vic.  He'd be proud of you," Debbie said,  as she left an encouraging message.

"At least there is one positive one.  Vic would be proud,"  Brian said.

"Who's Vic. I don't think I've heard you talk about him before."

"Vic is Deb's brother.  He was like a favorite uncle, cheerleader, confidante, and role model rolled into one.  My own parents were absent at best, but usually too busy drinking or in my father's case, using me as a personal punching bag.  Vic was a wonderful man.  We used to spend hours talking about his travels and his time in New York.  He was a master chef.  Maybe that is why I'm somewhat considering learning to cook," Brian said with a look of nostalgia on his face.  

"Vic taught me everything about safe sex and AIDS.  He died from AIDS, well actually he died from side effects of the damn anti-virals.  Anyway, I was pretty devastated when he died. Went on a huge bender; sex and drinking.  I know what you're thinking.  From what we've talked about the two were synonymous. But when he died, I think no one saw me for 4-5 days.  But Vic saved my life,"  Brian said as he tried remembering the time after Vic's death.  He'd been so drunk trying to stop the pain and anguish.  Of course, nothing really helped.  

"I got a blow job from a guy at the baths. Turns out he was a doctor and urged me to get my balls checked. I had testicular cancer.  The irony of the "Stud of Liberty Avenue" having cancer has never ceased to make me smile, just a bit. Even in death, he was watching out for me." Brian's eyes watered, but he didn't allow any tears to fall.  

"He sounds great.  I'm sure he would be proud."  Justin chose not to mention Brian's cancer.  The night was already pretty stressful.  He didn't want that topic to push Brian over the edge.  He thought Brian was handling the messages fairly well, but he had no way of knowing what was going on in his head.  He'd decided after Brian and his first week working together that Brian was a pretty deep thinker.  

Brian hit play on the next message and when he heard Lindsay's voice, he didn't bother listening but just hit delete. The next message was also from her and deleted that without listening.  He would start each successive message, but when he heard her or Michael's voice he just hit the delete button, choosing not to listen to their rants, tears, or threats.  

The last message was from Ted.  "Bri, just wanted to tell you that a guy was here from the court trying to serve you with a restraining order.  Mel and Linds are trying to keep you away from them."

"Ouch," Justin said, his heart going out to Brian. These women were trying to keep him from the one thing that made him want to make a better life

"I can't fucking believe Mel.  I bet she looked up the legal shit and decided that I was telling the truth and in her twisted mind, this was the only way she could keep me from Gus.  You can be damn sure that I will be on the phone with my lawyer in the morning.  Two can play this game,"  Brian said as he hit the coffee table with his flat hand.

"It's not a game," Justin said.

Brian had almost forgotten his presence until he spoke.  "Sorry, I forgot you were here.  I was so absorbed in their lies and deceptions."  He picked up the bottle of water, draining it in three gulps.  Needing to let off some energy, he picked it up and took it to the kitchen where he placed it in the recycle container.  "I want a drink so badly, I can just taste it," Brian said as he walked to the liquor cabinet, knowing unconsciously that it was devoid of alcohol.

Justin's alarms went off as he watched Brian walk toward the cabinet.  He recognized the elaborate piece of furniture as a liquor cabinet but remembered Brian told him how Ted and he had emptied its contents.  Still, he waited and watched to see what Brian would do.

Brian looked at Justin and said, "Don't worry. There's nothing in here but some glasses.  Maybe if I pour something into the glasses, I'll get the same mental fix as if I was drinking."

"Does it work?" Justin asked, not wanting to push Brian anymore at this point.

"Don't know.  I've never tried it.  It could be like Pavlov's dog.  You know, something like a trigger.  I guess I never thought of Woody's and Babylon like that, but I guess they are the places that I associate with drinking.  I'm used to thinking of them as the place I pick up tricks."

"You are pretty wired right now.  What can I do to help?" Justin asked.  He knew every person handled stress in a different way and didn't want to suggest things, thus limiting Brian's choices."

"I have no fucking idea. Usually, when I had a shitty day or something bad happened, I drank so I didn't have to deal with the issue."

"Brian you haven't had a drink in over 2 months.  I can't imagine that your life has been smooth sailing during that time,"  Justin said as he took another drink from his bottle of water.

Brian returned from the liquor cabinet and sat back on the couch.  "I call someone, usually Ted.  Sometimes I watch an old movie.  Sometimes I just sit on the couch and let the hamsters run amok."

"What do you want to do?"

"I haven't really thought about it, but I think what I'm doing right now works.  If I've learned anything from AA it's that you just have to take one step at a time. Sometimes planning doesn't work and you just have to wing it."

"You're right.  All the planning in the world sometimes doesn't help us deal when life hands us a curveball."

"What do you do, Justin?  I know you've been clean for over a year and surely there have been times when you've really wanted a drink."  Brian went to the kitchen and grabbed another bottle of water.  He sat back down and twirled the bottle in his hand rather than opening it for a drink.

"It depends.  Sometimes I sit and think. You know, let the hamsters run around.  Other times I go to my studio and see if my creativity will kick in.  I never know when the muse will hit me to paint something.  I walk in the park and sometimes I call my sponsor.  Different things.  It just depends on the reason I want to drink and how strong the urge is.  I believe that oftentimes I just escaped into the bottle for lack of anything better to do."

"I want to yell and scream and throw things, but that won't solve anything," Brian said, admitting the dark side of his personality.

"You can, you know.  I won't judge you if you do.  Everyone wants to yell sometimes," Justin said, giving him permission.

Brian looked at him, strangely still and obviously serious in his statement.  Brian stood up and walked to his balcony, sliding it open. He looked out on the mostly empty street.  He leaned over and screamed several long bursts.  A few people stopped and looked in his direction to make sure that he didn't appear in danger, and they continued on their way.  He laughed at himself, turned around, and closed the sliding door.

"That was pretty amazing.  You'll have to share more of your little secrets," Brian said as he sat on the couch.  "You know, screaming like that makes me feel very in control.  No one is telling me what to do.  It's actually very cathartic."

"Do you scream?" Brian asked, curiosity filling his mind.

"I've been known to let loose on occasion.  It lets me be the judge, jury, and executioner.  Sometimes when I'm dealing with a gallery exec who doesn't see my vision, I leave the meeting, walk to a park and let loose. When I return, they often act as if nothing happened and that it is typical behavior when an artist walks out of a meeting with them.  I think mostly they believe artists to be eccentric, egotistical brats, and only put up with us since we make them loads of money when they showcase our art."

"A little cynical?"

"Not really.  Just know the score. I've been an artist for a long time."

"That little scream session calmed me down.  I know that I'll have to call my lawyer in the morning and she'll help me with the legal mumbo jumbo.  As for Lindsay and Gus,  I'll call the school and tell them I'm picking him up directly."  Brian played with the bottle of water, picking at the label, then twirling it back and forth.  

"I'm sure the court jester will find me at Kinnetic to serve me with the restraining order to stay away from Mel and Linds.  Despite her phone call stating the contrary, I believe Mel knows that I have every right to Gus.  She can't keep me from him unless she goes to court to declare me unfit or a threat to him."   Brian stood up and walked the length of the room several times as he reviewed his conversation with Kera, his lawyer.   She knew that if Mel tried to take him to court, she would most likely try and convince the court that he was dangerous and Gus was unsafe with him, but he had the upper hand since he could show huge financial support as well as attendance at AA for the last several months.  

"Since they can't stop me from picking up Gus, I'll just show up at school.  I told Lindsay that I don't mind shopping for him.  I don't care that he won't have anything with him.  That's what they make stores for."

"See, you have it figured out.  I'm proud of you."

"The one I still have to really figure out is Mikey.  Obviously, he won't accept things as they are.  I think I will not do anything, just take one day at a time and see if he relents. At least Debbie said she was happy for me.  I just hope she doesn't change her mind when she realizes that my friendship with Michael may be coming to an end unless he can accept the changes in my life."

"I think that is a great idea.  Sometimes the best option is to do nothing."

"I think that is an area that I need to work on.  I always want to fix things.  I can't tell you the number of times that I've been called upon to "fix" whatever is happening in the family.  If two people are fighting, someone comes to me to get them to make up.  If there is a problem with a neighbor or a missed payment on a bill, I'm the one who steps up to fix it.``"

"So, your family relies on you?"  Justin asked.  

"I guess so. I never really thought about it like that.  Michael dropped out of community college after a semester and is always telling me how smart I am.  I guess that is his way to massage my ego to do his bidding."  Brian thought back through the last few months and realized that Michael hadn't come to him for any problems; however, was constantly coming to him to go to the bars.  "I think Mikey relies on me to help him pick up guys too.  I can have any trick I want. Maybe Mikey likes hanging with me because of the trick potential?"  Brian mused out loud. He played with the water bottle, twirling it in his hand and then putting it down on the coaster.  He wanted a cigarette, the one vice he hadn't given up.  He saw a pack on the side table and picked it up.  He slapped the pack on his hand and one slid out.  He held the pack out, seeing if Justin wanted one.  Justin reached for the pack and slapped it as well.  Brian flicked the lighter, lighting his cigarette, and leaned over to light Justin's for him.  He took a few hits, blowing smoke rings into the air.  

"Debbie got pregnant with Michael when she was 17, so she went to work right away to support them. Her family wanted nothing to do with her or Vic, so they supported each other. Michael's father was not in the picture.  Emmett left home as soon as he could scrape up enough money for a bus ticket.  But you know Emmett and Ted never ask me to "fix" things."  Brian thought back to this morning when Ted had already addressed the potential invasion of Mikey at Kinnetik.  "Ted doesn't ask me to fix things.  He takes charge, but in his own quiet way." He opened the bottle and took a drink.  All this talking was making him thirsty.

"Lindsay thinks the way to handle everything is with money, and her "she-wolf" plays along since she wants to keep Lindsay happy.  I have a successful business and the family naturally turns to me for their problems.  Of course, Mel is a lawyer, but I think she resents the fact that the "family" calls on me instead of her."  Brian put down the bottle of water and took another hit of his cigarette.  The nicotine in the cigarette coursed through his body. 

"It sounds like you have been thinking about this for a while. I think all those discussions at AA and the ones we have afterward have helped you look at your life and your relationships."  Justin smiled at Brian, enjoying their time together talking about life and supporting him. 

"I think you are right.  I guess I don't give myself credit for all the changes I've made.  I'm beginning to really look at my relationships, not just with Gus but with everyone that I include in my family.  I'm starting to think about what my life will look like.  And of course, I'm fighting for the right to have my son in my life. He's the best motivator.  I want him to be proud to call me Dad.  I want a better relationship with him than I had with my old man.  Of course, that is already happening since I don't use him as a punching bag."  Brian got up from the couch, grabbing Justin's empty water bottle. As he picked it up, he saw Justin stifle a yawn.  In the kitchen, he saw the clock on the microwave and realized they'd been there for almost 2 hours. 

Sitting back on the couch, he said, "Thank you.  I'm glad you offered to come listen to the messages. Sure, I could have done this by myself, but I think you helped me by offering your support.  I can't wait to hear more about your coping mechanisms.  Screaming is definitely going to be an option in the future.  I'll see you tomorrow.  Hopefully, I'll be able to talk to the lawyer."

Justin allowed himself to show his yawn this time.  "It's late. I'll bring you an invitation to my show.  I think you're right,  You do need more color in here," Justin said as he smiled, stood up, and walked to the door.  "Just remember, one step in front of the other."

"I will,"  Brian opened the sliding door and watched as Justin got in the lift.  I could use a drink.  I'm emotionally drained, but I'm not going to have one. I just hope that next time I want one, I'll not be tempted to hide my feelings in a bottle.

He set the alarm, turned off the ringer on his phone, and got ready for bed.  As Justin said, one day at a time, and there was nothing he could do until tomorrow.  Exhausted, he fell asleep fairly quickly.

Brian slept well and was surprised how rested he felt.  In the past, he would have handled any problem by imbibing large amounts of alcohol and having at least 3 or 4 tricks in an attempt to avoid dealing with whatever it was.  The only thing his coping mechanisms had accomplished was to help him hide from his life and miss out on actually living.  He was done with hiding and was ready to live a meaningful life. That meant that he had to face all the problems in his life, not hide behind a bottle, hoping they would just disappear.

He completed his morning routine, fixed himself a guava shake, and drove to the office.  As he was walking in, he was met by a man who served him the restraining order.  He took it, placed it on his desk, and went to the galley to grab a coffee.  As he was putting several packets of sugar in the mug, Ted walked in.

"The guy served me with the papers as I walked in.  Half surprised he wasn't waiting at the loft when I got home from my meeting," Brian said as he stirred the ingredients in his mug.  "Who knows, maybe he was told by Mel that I wouldn't be home until the early hours of the morning, and he didn't want to attempt to find me at Babylon.  Of course, I'm home these days by 10:00," Brian said, and then blew on his cup of coffee hoping to cool it down sufficiently so he could take a sip.  

"You seem rather calm," Ted said, as he watched Brian fix his coffee.  

"I sent my lawyer a copy of Lindsay's tirade last night.  Well, actually it was Mel's tirade, but whatever.  I plan on calling Kera about 9:00 and updating her on the latest games they are playing.  Really, Mel is not stupid. The restraining order is against contact with them, knowing full well she can't do anything preventing my contact with Gus."  Brian left the break room and walked toward his office.  Ted walked with him.  

"I'm calling Gus' school and letting them know I'll pick him up this afternoon.  I'm going to ask that they tell him this so he will be able to concentrate in class. I heard him crying in the background in one of the calls Lindsay made last night.  She made a point of telling me that it was my fault since she couldn't allow him to go with me for the weekend."

"You are such a good father, thinking of Gus first.  I'm proud of you," Ted said.  They arrived at the corridor for their respective offices and each man went toward their office.

Brian checked his emails and responded to any urgent ones.  He set an alarm for 9:15 so he could call Kera, somewhat surprised at his calm demeanor.  He called the school and the receptionist agreed to give Gus the information.  

When the alarm went off, he called Kera.  His call was directed to her in a few moments.

"Good morning, Mr. Kinney. What can I do for you today?" Kera said as she placed her coffee mug on the coaster on her desk.

"I told my son's mother yesterday about my sobriety and true to form, her wife has threatened to not let me see my son.  This morning I received a restraining order to stay away from them.  I assume that is her way of attempting to keep me from my son since I usually go to their home to pick him up," Brian explained.  He hoped there would be a quick resolution as he did not want to fight for his rights.

"I see.  Can you send me a copy of the restraining order?  I'll look it over and then give you a call back."

"Sure.  I'll scan it now and send it,' Brian said.

"Fine.  I'll call you within the hour.  I'll also listen to the recording you sent."

He scanned the document and returned to work.  He hoped the solution was an easy one.  However, before he could get started on his next project, his phone rang again.  He was distracted by his earlier conversation and didn't look down at the caller ID.

"Brian, you're ignoring all my calls. This is important," Michael said, thrilled that his friend had finally picked up his phone.  "I've left at least 10 messages since yesterday."

Brian took a deep breath and drank a sip of his coffee.  As he savored the coffee, he thought back to the many conversations that he and Justin had regarding Michael.  He'd been hoping to put off the inevitable but it seems that Michael was like a thorn in his side, poking him until he addressed the discomfort.  

"I know.  I listened.  Did it ever occur to you that I didn't call you back for a reason?" Brian did not want to talk to Michael at work; he had deadlines to meet. Truth be told, he didn't really want to talk to Michael at all. 

"But I'm your best friend.  I don't know who put those stupid thoughts into your head about your drinking, but you are not an alcoholic.  I've known you since we were 14 and you don't drink anymore now than you did then. So, if you were an alcoholic, you would have to have been one for over 20 years.  I know that's not right,"  Michael said, explaining to Brian again why he knew more about his best friend than his friend knew about himself.

"Michael," Brian said, pushing his forefinger and thumb on the bridge of his nose in a familiar gesture.  "I'm only going to say this one time and then I'm going to hang up."  He waited a few moments to be sure that he had Michael's attention.  "No matter what you do or don't think, I'm an alcoholic.  I'm in recovery so I don't drink anymore.  I don't go to Babylon or to Woody's and I will not be drinking.  If you cannot accept those few truths, then you are no longer my friend and I wish you a great life.  If you can accept those truths; then that's great.  If I hear you suggest that we go to the bars or go drinking, I will assume you do not accept that I'm an alcoholic and our friendship is finished."

Michael did not say anything as he took in Brian's message.  He wasn't sure that Brian really knew what he was talking about. He'd have to talk to Debbie about it.  Maybe she could make Brian see reason.  If Brian wasn't going to the bars, who would he hang out with?  For now, he said, "Okay."

"Good.  Now, I have a job to do.  I'll see you at Sunday dinner," Brian said as he hung up.  He wasn't sure that Michael believed what he said, but he'd addressed the issue.  He realized that he felt lighter like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He pulled out his phone to share the news with Justin but decided that he would rather tell him tonight.  Smiling again when he realized that this was the second time in as many days that he had pulled out his phone to share the news with Justin.  He'd told everyone that was close to him and now the chips would fall.  

He pressed the button on the intercom of his desk and asked Cynthia to come to his office.

"Close the door and sit," he said as he motioned toward the chair in front of his desk.  

"I know Ted told you that Michael and Lindsay may be calling and that you should not put their phone calls through.  I know that through the years you have encountered that request on more than one occasion, but this time it is very different," Brian said.

Cynthia nodded and waited for Brian to continue.  

"I'm sure you've noticed that I've been coming into work earlier and leaving earlier for the last several months.  I stopped drinking and I've been going to AA.  Michael doesn't seem to believe I have an addiction and keeps trying to convince me otherwise.  Lindsay is trying to use my sobriety as a way to keep Gus from me.  I'm sure my telling her that I will no longer give her money for Gus and plan on paying for all of his needs is fueling her concern,"  Brian grinned as he remembered the look on her face when he informed her that the "Bank of Brian" was closing.  He took a drink from his coffee mug and unconsciously compared it to the coffee at the diners that he and Justin had been going.  He doubted the diners would tell him the brand of coffee they used, but maybe he could find out.  On the other hand, he wondered if the coffee tasted so good due to being with Justin and working toward his sobriety.

"Anyway, I wanted you up to speed."

"Brian you don't owe me any explanation.  You've taken a big step in attending AA, and I've noticed the changes in you when you're at work," Cynthia said, smiling at her friend and boss.  "I take it Lindsay is less than happy with your decision to stop providing money for Gus."  Cynthia wanted to say more, especially since she really did not like Lindsay who she felt always came across as entitled, but she didn't feel it was her place to do so.  

"Oh, that is an understatement.  I heard from Ted that there was a guy trying to find me yesterday afternoon to serve me a restraining order.  Evidently, Melanie thinks that a restraining order preventing me from getting close to them will stop me from seeing Gus."  

Brian finished his mug of coffee and went to his credenza to make a new one."Want some coffee?  Sobriety has had an unusual impact on my coffee drinking. Since coffee is served at every meeting, and it really seems that a criterion for it is that someone burns it or leaves it in the pot for days, I've become very discriminating.  After every meeting, my sponsor and I go out for coffee and I've become a real connoisseur."  

"You have always had a discriminating taste, no detail is ever too small,' Cynthia said, trying to picture Brian going for coffee every night.  It was such a mundane thing, something that he usually balked at.  "Sounds like your sponsor has discriminating taste as well."

"Yes.  Evidently, when he was starting his journey, he didn't have a lot of money so he used to go to a diner and order a pot of coffee, spending several hours at a time there."  It surprised Brian that he shared this little bit of trivia about Justin.  He knew a lot about Justin from their discussions, but it struck him that he'd only known Justin for a few months, yet he knew such mundane information.  He wasn't even sure he knew some mundane information about many people, even ones he considered his family.  

Brian finished putting the sugar and creamer into his mug, thinking again of Justin and his frequent comments regarding the sweetness of Brian's drink.  He blew over the top of the mug, cooling it down slightly, and took a sip.  "I guess I better get some work done around here.  It's not like I stay late anymore," he said, walking to his desk. 

"I'll make sure that Michael and Lindsay are kept at bay," Cynthia said.  "Congratulations on your sobriety.  I know you will tackle that challenge like you do everything else you do in life.  If there is anything I can do for you, let me know."  Cynthia stood up, opened the door, and walked back to her desk where she proceeded to continue working on her latest project.  

Brian opened the folder with the information for the latest campaign and started reviewing it, but before he could get very far, Kera, his lawyer called.

"Mr, Kinney.  The restraining order is for Gus' parents and does not mention him at all.  Are you able to arrange visitation without encountering them?"

"I planned on picking him up this afternoon at school rather than at his home.  I could definitely leave him at his grandmother Debbie's house and they could pick him up there at the end of the weekend.  They typically go there for Sunday dinner."

"I would suggest at this point, you follow the legal proceedings and pick up Gus from school or at another neutral place.  I will work on my end to cancel the restraining order as there has to be documentation and legal cause, neither of which his mothers seem to have."

"Thank you.  I've already let the school know that I'll be picking him up, and I'll let Debbie know I'll drop him off there on Sunday," Brian said.

While there was really no resolution to the issue, he felt better knowing that he had legal precedent on his side. 

Picking up his phone, he pushed the button to call Justin. It rang a few times and Brian started to hang up, chastising himself for disturbing Justin.  Justin was his sponsor and didn't need to be bothered by all of Brian's drama.  He was about to hang up when Justin answered.

"Hi, Brian.  Sorry, it took so long to answer.  I was trying to get to a quiet place," Justin said.

"I should apologize.  You have your own life and I shouldn't be intruding.  I'll see you at the meeting," Brian said as he started taking his phone from his ear to hit the button to hang up.

"No, don't hang up.  It's fine that you call.  What's up?"

"I just wanted to tell you that I talked to Michael and told him that if he couldn't accept that I was an alcoholic, our friendship was over.  I also talked to the lawyer this morning."

"Wow.  You've had a busy morning." Justin pulled his phone away from his ear and looked at the time.  "It's only 10:30.  Did you get to the office at the crack of dawn?" Justin teased.

Brian didn't have to justify his work hours, but he said, "No.  Got here at 8:30. Seems sobriety has that effect on me.  I actually fall asleep when I go to bed and since I'm no longer waking up with a hangover, I'm much more productive.  Used to be that it would be at least 10:00 or even 10:30 before all the alcohol and whatever other chemicals were in my body had dissipated enough that I could function."

"So you decided what to do about Michael.  I'm proud of you.  What do you think will happen?"

"I wish I knew.  I'm still not totally convinced that he believes me, but when I told him if he mentions drinking or going to the bars again, we were through, I think he knew I was serious.  Regardless of his actions, I am confident in my decision, and that is what counts."

"Great.  I'm glad that you made a decision.  What about the lawyer?  Did that go well too?"

"She told me she is working on getting the restraining order changed, but in the meantime, I need to make arrangements to pick up Gus somewhere other than his home.  I've already called the school about picking him up there today."  

As Brian recalled the information, he said, "Oh Shit.  If I'm going to pick him up after school, that means that I can't make the afternoon AA meeting.  Usually, I go to the meeting and then come back here to finish working.  I usually leave about 5:30 or 6:00 and then pick him up in time for dinner."  Brian could feel his heart rate increase as he felt a small surge of anxiety wash over him.  "I've never missed a meeting."

"Do you want me to come over and we could have our own meeting?  Nothing says that you have to have a group of people," Justin offered.

Brian's first reaction was elation, but then he said, "That's really great of you to offer, but I'm sure you have better things to do than have a personal meeting with me."

"Brian, I'm your sponsor and while some sponsors don't necessarily attend the same meetings as the people they sponsor, I decided early on that was the way I wanted to handle the responsibility.  Tell you what, I could come over earlier in the evening and show Gus some photography skills. When he goes to bed, we could have our meeting."

Brian found himself relaxing and the adrenaline jump dissipating just as fast as it began.  "You sure?  I mean that is a lot to ask," Brian said, not used to people doing things for him without an ulterior motive. Brian hadn't thought about the fact that Justin chose to attend every meeting that Brian did.  If he had thought about it, he would have realized that Justin was definitely going the extra mile, taking his sponsorship to a higher level.  Whatever Justin's reasoning for his dedication to sponsorship, Brian felt that he had definitely made a positive impact on his journey.

"Sure.  I told Gus I would teach him some photography skills,"  Justin said. He'd never thought about a private meeting, just two people but had read enough literature on the subject that it was still considered a meeting.  Actually, by definition, a meeting was anything more than one person.  He recognized that Brian was at an especially vulnerable point in his sobriety.  He had told his "best friend" that he would cease their friendship if he couldn't accept his sobriety.  This morning he'd been served by a court appointee to not be anywhere near his son's mothers in an attempt to keep him away from the very reason that he started the journey.  He wanted to support Brian in any way that he could.  

"Okay.  But if you change your mind, it's fine.  I'm sure that I won't start drinking if I have Gus."

"I know you won't drink when you have him, but meetings are important.  Let me help you by having one, even if it is the two of us."

"Alright."

"How about I come over at about 7:30?"

"See you tonight,"  Brian said as he hung up his phone.  He realized that he was so lucky to have Justin offer to be his sponsor.  He was becoming a friend and he was excited to have a new friendship with someone who wasn't going to judge him by his past behavior.  

Brian looked at the clock on the wall, seeing that the majority of the morning had slipped away.  He had to leave by 2:00 to get to the school; therefore, he better get some work done.  He opened his Trello list on his computer, reviewing his current projects, and mentally calculated their deadlines.  Breathing a sigh of relief, he was happy to see that no projects had deadlines in the next week.  He would just work a few nights after he came home from AA.  He wasn't ready to forego a meeting at this point in time.  In the future, he hoped that he would feel confident enough to do so, but right now, it wasn't an option he wanted to try.  

He reviewed the projects, calculating the amount of time it would take to complete each one.  Prior to attending AA, he would often spend many evenings working before he went to the bars and frequently spent a part of his Sundays working.  Since he was no longer going to work hungover, spending the first several hours in a haze, he was able to get to the office earlier and was productive the entire time. While he rarely took work home now,  he hoped to have Gus almost every weekend and that option wasn't on the table. 

On one of the many occasions that he thought of the changes in his life, he realized that he rarely worked from home anymore.  It was a little surprising to him when he came to that realization, and it took a little convincing of his mind that he was caught up and didn't need to take work home.  He was able to manage work, AA meetings, and even a regular workout.  He'd often found himself walking on his treadmill early in the morning or after AA, but both of those options worked for him.   He wanted to be an integral part of Gus' life, not a father he saw only occasionally.  He was not going to let this little hiccup of a restraining order change the expanding relationship he had with his son.

Choosing a project that he could finish in a few hours, he clicked on the file and started to work.  A few hours into the project, Cynthia knocked on the door and he said, "Come."

She brought him a sandwich from the diner. "Eat.  I know you have to leave early to pick up Gus.  You need to eat. Turkey on white bread with mayo on the side.  Maybe now that your taste buds are not numb from alcohol, you will increase your food repertoire.  Turkey on white bread is so boring," she said as she put down the bag holding his lunch.  She knew she could tease him about his taste buds without him getting angry. She had noticed the changes in Brian and was pleased to learn that he'd stopped drinking. At first, she was concerned that his cancer had returned, but when she saw him working full days and always being on top of his game, she knew something else was the reason for the change.  As much as he was not forthcoming with his personal life, she actually knew quite a bit from the tidbits he let drop.  He was not as mysterious as many people believed.  

"Thanks"' Brian said as he unwrapped the sandwich and took a bite.  He realized that the turkey was a little on the dry side and the mayo did not provide much taste.  He'd been expanding his choices of food when he ate with Justin and realized Cynthia was right.  He needed to expand his options.  However, he realized he ordered the turkey sandwich as much for its low carb footprint as well as the desire to not have to think about his options.  Food had not been an important part of his life, preferring to drink his calories rather than eat them.  He was also very conscious of eating too much, wanting to keep up his slim figure and keep the tricks knocking on his proverbial door.   While he was no longer tricking, he still had a reputation for being the "Stud of Liberty Avenue" that he wanted to uphold.  He knew eventually the desire to trick would rise again.  He smiled at his pun and took a few more bites of the dry sandwich.  She had brought him a cup of coffee to wash down the sandwich and while it was not nearly the caliber of the coffee he usually drank, he drank it as well.  He decided as he finished the sandwich, he and Gus were going to have something better than diner food for dinner. Throwing the trash in the wastebasket, he wiped his hands on the paper napkin and returned to his project.

He'd set an alarm on his phone to alert him when he needed to stop working in order to be on time to pick up Gus.  He hoped that Melanie's half-assed attempt at a restraining order would mean that they expected him to just forget about seeing Gus this weekend since he most likely wouldn't stop his workday to pick him up from school.  He had it all planned.  If they showed up at the school, he would instruct Gus to get in his car, and he would just leave.  According to his lawyer, they had no legal right to keep him from his son and he wasn't going to allow them to do so.

He hadn't finished his project; therefore, he did put the key papers in his briefcase.  He would still have Sunday night to work on them as he was going to have to drop Gus off at Debbie's and not attend Sunday dinner.  He'd have to let her know about Gus, but he had plenty of time to do that. He didn't want to be bombarded by her all weekend as he felt pretty certain that Michael would be telling her about their conversation earlier today.  

Stepping out of his office, he said to Cynthia, "Going to get Gus.  Call me if you need anything."  He repeated the same message to Ted and left the building to drive to Gus' school.

The number of cars lined up to pick up the students was at least 20 deep, even 30 minutes before dismissal time.  He'd remembered Lindsay commenting on the early arrival of so many parents and questioned why they were there so early. She had told him that she usually just arrived at dismissal time, not wanting to spend needless time in the carpool line.  He hoped that today was no different and he'd be way ahead of her.  He was glad that he had told the school that he would be picking up Gus so Gus would be looking for him and not Lindsay.  He knew that if they arrived close to each other, she would insist that Gus go home with her, something he had no intention of allowing.  He'd promised Gus that they would be spending the weekend together and he was not one to break promises.  

He opened his briefcase and reviewed some of the documents he'd brought to work on over the weekend. Whenever he worked on a campaign, he needed to spend time reviewing information about the company's products, their business model, and past advertisements, if there were any.  There was a lot of background work that needed to be completed in advertising, and most people thought it was only about the advertisement itself.  After about 20 minutes, the line started to move so he put the papers back in his briefcase, placing it in the backseat.

He watched as the children poured out of the building.  Looking for Gus in the sea of children was a little disconcerting, especially when he wanted Gus to come to his car even if Lindsay was there.  Luckily for Brian, the carpool line moved quickly and as each car moved to the front of the line, a teacher poked their head in the car and asked who the person was there to pick up.  Since it was the middle of the school year, most teachers recognized the drivers and the children who were to be picked up, but occasionally they had to ask.  When it was his turn, he rolled down the window and told the teacher he was there to pick up Gus. She took out her clipboard and saw a note showing Gus' father would be picking him up.  She asked Brian for an ID and he got out his driver's license. She looked at it and nodded her head in acceptance.  

"Gus Peterson," she yelled toward the gaggle of students waiting for their carpool.  

Gus came running out of the crowd, backpack in hand rather than on his back.  Opening the door to Brian's BMW, he threw his backpack on the floorboards in the back seat and leaned over to hug his father.  "I'm so glad to see you.  Mom said I couldn't come over this weekend.  It was just like you said.  But this morning, Mr. Morris got a note from the principal's office saying you would pick me up. Did you and Mom work it out?  How'd you get her to change her mind?  Are we going by the house to get my stuff for the weekend?"

Brian put the car into gear and left the carpool lane, pulling out into traffic.

"Woah there, Sonny boy.   One question at a time.  First things first, we are not going to your house to pick up anything.  Whatever you need for the weekend, we are going to buy.  So let's start with the basics. You will need underwear, socks, jeans, shirts, and a toothbrush.  I have your new camera, well actually it's a phone, but regardless you don't need that. Do you need anything else?  We will buy a few changes of clothes so you can keep some stuff at my house."

"Dad, that's awesome.  So we are on our way to Target?  That's close to the Diner, can we stop and get a shake?"

Brian inwardly cringed at the mention of shopping at the Big Q.  "We are not shopping at Target.  We will go to Kohl's for your clothes."

"But Mom says I grow so fast, she can't afford to buy me clothes at a regular store.  She'll have a fit when she sees the new clothes," Gus said, confirming Brian's suspicions that Lindsay was pocketing a lot of the money he was giving her to purchase clothing for Gus.  Buying clothes at Target was a lot cheaper than Kohl's and since the clothes were of poorer quality, they would wear out easier, thus Lindsay needed to buy new ones sooner.  She would be technically telling the truth when she told Brian that he'd outgrown the clothes or that they were falling apart.  She just neglected to tell him that it was partially her fault since she purchased poor quality merchandise. He had already resolved that issue when he told Lindsay that he was going to buy all of Gus' clothing.  He had a suspicion that once he started buying quality items for his son, his need to go shopping for him would not be nearly as frequent as Lindsay claimed.

"Wow, that's cool."

"Now, as far as your mothers are concerned...."  Brian wanted to word his statements without malice.  He didn't want Gus mad at his mothers.  He remembered the conversation he'd had with Gus regarding his friends who had divorced parents.  He stated that many of his friends felt awkward when spending time with the non-custodial (Brian's words, not Gus') parent as the parent always tried to fill their time with exciting adventures and fun activities.  Gus told Brian that he loved just hanging out with Brian and he enjoyed spending time just doing everyday things.  

Since Kohls' was not somewhere he typically shopped, preferring to order his clothing from Armani, Gucci, or Versace's biannual clothing shows, he had to look up where the nearest store was located.  He had put his phone in the cradle of the dashboard as the familiar WAZE app talked him through the turns to their destination. He saw on the app that he had at least 4 miles until he needed to turn; therefore, he felt that he could concentrate on Gus' question rather than worry about missing the cutoff for the store.

"Your mother does not know that I picked you up from school.  Well, she probably does now, since the carpool line moves very fast.  Don't be surprised if she calls demanding you be brought home or tries to show up at the Loft demanding that she take you home.  She asked me to take you for the weekend since she had some event she wanted to attend.  I told her, yes and I was going to ask her to have you anyways."  Brian thought about the enjoyable time he and Gus spent with Justin last weekend when they went to the Science Center and the Incline.  He'd really enjoyed exploring Pittsburgh with them.  "I told her about my sobriety and she decided that you weren't safe with me.  She told me that I couldn't spend time with you since I might drink."

"Dad, that's stupid.  Why would she do that?"

"Gus.  I don't want you to worry about staying with me on the weekends.  Remember the DNA test you took?"

"Sure. Does this have to do with the test?"

"Sort of.  I'm not going to get into all the legal stuff with you.  Just know that you are my son and I want to be a part of your life.  I'll deal with your Moms."  Brian had thought about the initial conversations with Gus and Lindsay but hadn't really contemplated that there would most likely be follow up ones as well.  He'd never had to think about conversations in the past, except when he was planning a pitch to a client.  This was also new territory for him.  His phone started ringing and he recognized the ringtone.  It was Lindsay.

His phone was on the seat.  He picked it up, unlocked it with his fingerprint, and handed it to Gus.  "It's your mom.  Say hello," he said to Gus.

"Hi Mom," Gus said.

"Gus.  Let me talk to your father."  When Lindsay arrived at the school, she was told by the teacher in the carpool line that he'd been picked up by his father.  She was absolutely furious.  She had not expected him to go behind her back. 

"He gave the phone to me.  He's driving.  I can tell him to call you back."

Lindsay wanted Brian to answer her right this minute. She didn't want to wait but decided that having this conversation when he was driving with Gus was probably not a good idea.

By this point, the WAZE app had told him that he was close, 1200 feet; therefore he was scanning the suburban shopping strip mall for the vaguely familiar logo.  Eyeing it on his right, he turned into the strip mall and parked his car.

Brian put out his hand for his phone.  "Hello, Lindsay," he said.

"Why did you pick up Gus from school?" 

"I had no choice.  I received a restraining order from the court to stay away from you and your wife," Brian said, refusing to name Melanie.  "You had an event you wanted to attend and asked me to keep Gus this weekend. I had to pick him up at school since I couldn't exactly come to your house.  I don't want to run afoul of the law," Brian said, explaining the situation in concrete terms so she could easily follow the line of reasoning. 

"I'm coming to the loft right now to pick him up.  I told him he couldn't stay with you. It's not safe."

"I wouldn't advise that. If you come to the loft to get Gus, then you are violating the restraining order.  It wouldn't look too good in a court of law that you had me served with a restraining order and then violated it less than a day later.  Maybe you and your wife should have thought this through a little more.  Your fault, not mine.  Now, me and my son have some shopping to do.  I promised him to buy him some clothes so he won't have to wear the same thing all weekend.  Oh, and by the way, I'll drop him at Debbie's on Sunday so you can pick him up.  I won't be there.  I wouldn't want to break the law." Brian hung up the phone, smiling at the situation.  

"Now, come on, Sonny Boy, we have some shopping to do."  Brian put his phone in his pocket and the two of them went into the store. 

TBC

After hanging up with Lindsay, they got out of the car and went into the store. He didn't like Gus' clothing coming from discount stores, but he accepted that Gus wasn't ready for designer wear either.  He didn't attend some fancy prep school, nor did Brian really see his son in that atmosphere.  He'd been around too many clients that name-dropped and boasted about their children attending high brow schools that he knew he didn't want that for his son.  His son wouldn't want for anything, but at this age, he didn't need to attend an exclusive private school nor did he need to dress like he was a young CEO.

Brian read overhead signs directing the shoppers to the appropriate areas.  When he spotted the right department, he pointed to it and said, "This way.  We can start with the casual clothes and maybe we'll pick up some athletic gear too."

Brian helped Gus pick out a lightweight jacket, socks, underwear, jeans, T-shirts, and pajamas that the young man needed.  They also picked up several pairs of tennis shoes.  They took their packages and placed them in the trunk of Brian's BMW.  They got in the car and sat in the front seat.  Brian wanted to discuss the rest of the evening with Gus before they left the parking lot. 

Gus turned toward his father and said, "Thanks Dad.  Shopping with you is so easy.  Mom always looks at the price tags, telling me that I can't get something because it's too expensive.  It seems to take forever when we shop.  She always starts with the clearance rack.  I have to plead with her not to buy some of the really cheap stuff since it's not my style."

Brian looked at the clock on the dashboard realizing that they had spent a little more than an hour at the store.  It was almost 4:30 and if they were going to be ready for Justin at 7:30, they needed to get started.  

"That's pretty low deciding that regular priced items at Target are too expensive," Brian said, thinking that he should have taken this step many years ago.  He frequently cringed when he saw some of the outfits that his son wore and now he understood why.  "From now on, I'll be buying all your clothes and athletic gear.  You'll still have to be with me because trying on the items is crucial to a good fit, but I promise we won't be buying items based on whether or not they are on the clearance rack."

"That is so cool.  So what are we going to do this weekend?  I had a great time last weekend going to the Incline and Science Center, but as I said, we don't have to do anything special," Gus said.  He was really enjoying this side of his father and was glad that his father wanted to spend time with him. He was super stoked that his father had gone the extra step in testing his DNA.  None of his friends had that done, or at least he didn't think so. 

"I thought we could stop by the store and pick up some food to cook over the weekend.  Did you know that your Grandma Debbie's brother was a chef in New York?" 

Brian hadn't really thought about what he and Gus would do this weekend.  He had asked Justin to come over to have a "meeting' with him tonight but then realized that he would have to miss another one tomorrow since he normally brought Gus back to his mom's house on Saturday afternoon. He didn't want to ask Justin to have a second meeting with him on Saturday, but his anxiety about missing meetings at this point was still pretty high.  He took a deep breath and said his new favorite motto, ‘one day at a time', and realized that his entire world did not need to be planned.

"I didn't know you cooked, Dad.  How come you never make anything besides a guava juice shake?"

"I didn't say I was a cook," Brian smiled and gave a little laugh.  "There is this really cool invention called the phone and I bet we could call your Auntie Emm and he could give us some easy suggestions.  When we have more time, we can look up a few online."

"Mom loves to cook. She spends hours looking up recipes online and then tries to cook these fancy meals.  I don't care what the ingredients are, but she is always telling me and Ma where she had to go to get this special item.  I think she wants us to be impressed. She sometimes mentions how her mother would have never done this or how her mother always had to have the house clean for their guests."   Gus said as he thought of all the times his mother mentioned her mother and how she did things.  "Funny thing is Dad, that is the only time she ever talks about her.  I know she's alive but we never see her.  It's not like Grandma Debbie who we see every week."

Brian knew Lindsay's parents, having met them on several occasions. They were everything that he hated about rich people, flaunting their money and name dropping whenever they could. For them, entertaining was all about being with the right people and the connections you could make rather than getting together because you liked the people.  He thought Lindsay's desire to have a different life didn't stop with cooking elaborate meals and having an immaculate house.  Now that he was sober, he was beginning to see that she wanted a lot of nice things and was using Gus to have Brian pay for them. It was not his place to tell his son that his mother lived a double life, at least in her head. He never wanted to threaten their relationship; he just wanted to ensure his own place with his son.

"I think that is a discussion you should have with your mom.  It's not my place to explain why you don't see them," Brian said, hoping to sidestep talking about Lindsay or her parents.

"Okay.  I'll think about it. I'm sure there is a reason I don't see them," Gus said and put the idea out of his mind for how.   

"Back to cooking, Dad.  If you want to find a few recipes, I guess that would be okay,' Gus said, fairly certain that his father was not trying to impress Gus with his cooking skills.  

‘It bothers you that your mom spends so much time looking food recipes up?" Brian said, surprised that Gus expressed an opinion on this subject.

"It doesn't really bother me, but you know when I try to ask her about something or to come to play a game with me, she often tells me she is busy finding recipes or cooking. I guess if we did it together, it would be fun," Gus said.

"So, it's more about her not finding time for you than the cooking?" Brian said.

"Yeah.  She's always so busy with stuff.  Like I told you before, sometimes I wonder why she had kids."  Gus had never spoken to his father about his mother.

"You said last weekend that was a big reason you liked coming here because we just hung out and did things.  Do you want to cook together or would you rather just grab something while we are out?" 

Brian felt like he'd been gut-punched when he heard Gus say that he wondered why Lindsay had kids.  With the hamsters running amok in his head for a few months, he'd contemplated that same thought on multiple occasions.  Unfortunately, he'd come to the conclusion that Lindsay was both his savior and his nemesis.  She'd given him the one thing that made him want to be sober, Gus.  She'd also used Gus to have Brian pay for all the trappings that she grew to love, but couldn't have due to her loving the wrong person.  He understood that he couldn't blame Lindsay for his drinking, that was 100% on him, but without her desire to have all the things she grew up with, she wouldn't have pushed her friend, ‘Brian' to father her child.  It was a circular argument that he couldn't win.  She was always going to be in his life as Gus' mother, but he finally understood that he wasn't going to allow her to use Gus to live her life.  Brian was taking charge of his relationship with Gus, outside of the parameters of his friendship with Lindsay. The two did not have to be intertwined except as far as coordinating visitation.  He didn't want to be involved in the day to day parenting, but he realized that he wanted to influence Gus' life, and therefore he might become more involved as time went on.

"I've never really cooked except with Aunty Emm.  It is always such fun when we cook.  I don't know if it is hanging with Aunty Emm or because making food is fun, but sure I'd like to try."  Gus felt that his father really listened to his concerns and that made him really happy.  He really did like just hanging with his father so if that meant cooking, he was willing to do that.

"Okay.  Let's call Emmett and see what he suggests.  I'm sure we'll have to buy everything.  My kitchen cabinets are pretty bare."

"You sure, Dad? Our food doesn't have to be anything fancy," Gus asked.

"Can I tell you a secret?' Brian said with a conspiratorial tone.

"Sure.  I'm really good at keeping secrets. I didn't tell anybody about the special test that I took to see if you were my dad.  Now that mom knows about your drinking, can I tell my friends?  That would be so cool," Gus said, wondering what his father wanted to share with him.  He'd already told him about his sobriety and that was a pretty big secret.

"Sure, you can tell your friends about the test.  You can even tell Grandma Debbie.  Of course, if you tell Grandma Debbie everyone in the family and on Liberty Avenue will know within a few hours," Brian smiled thinking about the efficiency of telling Debbie.  If Gus said something to her, it would save him endless hours of explanation to anyone in the family that was curious.  

"What about my moms?  Can I tell them or should I keep it quiet?" Gus asked, trying to make sure that he didn't make things harder for his father. He was really enjoying spending the extra time with his dad.

"If you want to tell them, that's fine.  They will find out soon enough.  I don't want to be the reason you keep things from your mothers.  I had you take the test to guarantee that I could continue to see you and have you in my life.  You are the most important thing in my life," Brian said. 

Gus beamed at this father's statement. He reached out to give him a hug and Brian accepted it. 

"I've actually been thinking of trying my hand at cooking for a few weeks.  This just gives me the push to do it. We will compromise.  We'll make dinner tonight and maybe tomorrow, but we will eat out for lunch. Does that work for you?"

"Okay.  I was really looking forward to a burger from the diner.  Do you think we could make burgers tonight?" Gus asked, hoping that burgers didn't take a lot of preparation.

"Sure.  Let's take your loot home and throw it in the wash.  There is nothing worse than wearing clothes that haven't been washed or dry cleaned."

"Mom always washes everything before I can wear it, too.  She says that there are a lot of chemicals and gunk on the clothes from the shipping process and I should wash everything.  She makes us wash a lot of our food too.  She says that is the worst since they put chemicals on it to keep the bugs away."

"Your mom is right.  At least there is one thing we agree on."  Brian put the car in gear and drove toward the loft.  

"I don't think there is anything really mysterious about the burgers at the diner except that they are filled with fat and grease.  Sorry Sonny Boy, we will not be drenching your burger in a vat of fat.   You can call Emmett when we get back to the loft and ask him, too.  He might be able to steer us in the right direction."

"That is a great idea, Dad.  I bet Emmett would love to help," Gus said, excited about the prospect of asking for help from his Auntie Em.

"Don't think your old man can cook some burgers?" Brian teased Gus.

"Oh, Dad.  I was...."

"Gus.  I'm teasing.  Calling Em was my idea.  I'm sure he would be right over to the loft with all the fixings of a master burger, but we just want his advice.  I can't keep running to everyone to do things that I'm perfectly capable of doing."

"Sure.  Who knows, we might like cooking so much it can become a thing we do together. You could expand Kinnetik into cooking too.  You're always great at whatever you do," Gus said as he looked out the window of the car and read the billboards along the way.

"Dad, there was just a billboard that advertised a new exhibit on advances based on Star Trek at the Science Center. That would really cool.  There was so much we didn't get to see and that place was awesome."

"Sure, I think we can manage going to that.  I'm not sure if we'll go this weekend, but we can head there before it leaves.  I used to watch Star Trek with Vic.  We would spend hours talking about life on other planets and space travel.  I miss those talks,"  Brian said.  

"Sounds like he was a really neat guy. Isn't that the guy who cooked?"

"Yes.  I bet if you asked your Grandma Deb about  Vic, she could tell you all kinds of stories."  Brian turned into the garage across from his loft.  "Let's grab your packages.  We've got a busy evening ahead."

Gus and Brian brought the purchases into the loft and Brian helped Gus with taking the tags off and putting them in the wash.  They sat down on the couch, Brian took out his phone, pushing the icon for Emmett.

"Twice in a week.  Brian, what can I do for you?"

Brian handed the phone to Gus softly saying, "ask".

"Hi, Auntie Em.  Dad and I are going to cook some burgers for dinner, but Dad needs a recipe.  Do you have one?"

"Lordy.  Your dad is going to cook!  My, what has the world come to?"  Emmett said, the exaggeration evident in his voice.  

"Are burgers hard to cook?" Gus asked.

"No, Gus. They are pretty basic.  Can you hand the phone to your dad so he can put it on speaker?"

"I know how to do that," Gus said and pushed the button on the phone.

"Brian.  Burgers are super easy.  You just need the right spices.  A little salt, cayenne pepper, paprika or you can use smoked paprika and that gives it a smoky flavor, onion powder, black pepper, garlic powder, and maybe some minced onion.  You can put a little brown sugar for a little sweeter burger."

"I thought you said they were easy. That sounds like a science experiment," Brian said. 

"No, not really.  The spices are what makes a great burger.  Gather the spices and mix them into the ground beef. Form patties and grill.  Super delicious. I'll text you the amount of each spice you need. You're just starting out so you should follow a recipe. After a while, you'll get a feel for what spices taste good together." 

Brian sighed slightly and shrugged his shoulders. "I said I wanted to try cooking, so I guess text me the info, and Gus and I will go shopping.  I think I know how to cook a potato since I'm not going to make fries.  He'll have to get his grease fix at the diner. Thanks," Brian said.  He was happy that he had someone who could give him the information without question.  He was glad that Emmett was his friend.  

"Any other foods that you want to cook?" Emmett asked.

Brian took the phone away from his mouth and said to Gus, "Maybe we should start with one meal a weekend?  We could figure out what we want to experiment with each week.  It would be an adventure."

"Sounds okay to me. I wonder how the burger will taste," Gus said, thinking about the burger he loved at the diner and hoping their burger would be just as tasty.  

"Gus and I decided that maybe one cooking extravagance a weekend is enough for now.  How much meat should I buy?"

"For the two of you, I'd say 1 pound and that should make about 4 burgers.  You can freeze the burgers.  Oh and you don't have to use all the seasoning at once, but you can.  Cooking is an experiment since everybody's tastes are different."

"Okay.  Thanks. We'll let you know how it turns out," Brian said and then pushed the button to hang up his phone.  

"Well, Sonny Boy sounds like burgers are our first foray into cooking.  Ready?"

"What's a foray?" Gus asked, looking curiously at his father.

"It's a brief excursion.  We are trying out the land of cooking.  We are going for a foray into the grocery store."

"Oh. So it's a foray anytime you go someplace new?"

"Yes.  Oftentimes people refer to a foray as going into enemy territory.  It's used a lot in military terms, but really it just means trying out something new.  We're making a foray into cooking.  It's definitely not something I've done. I can make a Guava protein shake but other than that, I really have not done much cooking."

"Gottcha.  Okay, let's go on a foray to the store and then we'll continue our foray into cooking," Gus said with enthusiasm.  He liked it when his father treated him with respect by explaining things.  His mothers just yelled at him when he asked them to explain, telling him that they said so and he should just do it.

Brian moved the clothes from the washer to the dryer and then they were off to the store. When they entered the grocery, Brian took a few moments to read the signs above the aisles so he could determine the right one to go down.  Since they weren't buying a lot of items, he grabbed a handbasket to hold the groceries.  

"First we'll get the spices and then we'll grab some potatoes and last the meat.  Since the meat needs to stay cold as long as possible," Brian said.

"I get it Dad.  This isn't my first foray at the grocery store.  The moms drag me here all the time.  Mom spends as much time in the grocery as she does looking at recipes and cooking.  You'd think she was cooking for royalty."

Brian had to smile at Gus' description of his mother shopping and he could just envision Lindsay at the store as she tried to pick out just the right ingredients.  "I think the spices are in this aisle," Brian said as he pointed to an aisle labeled baking. 

They walked down the aisle until they found the spice section and Brian got out his phone, opening the text from Emmett.  "We need salt and black pepper."  Brian eyed a large cylinder of salt but not a spice jar labeled salt. "I don't need that. It's enough salt to last me a lifetime. Don't they have a normal person salt jar?"

A woman heard Brian and saw the father and son standing together in front of the spices. She noticed he was holding his phone and it appeared he was reading from it.  Brian was a striking male; fit, trim, and the fact that he had his son with him at the grocery store meant that he was possibly single.  In her experience, men didn't typically take their kids to the grocery unless they had to.  It was common to see whole families shopping at the store and she saw men shopping alone, but it was rare to see a single male with a child.  

"Perhaps I can help.  It looks like you are looking for some spices?"

"We need some salt, but all they have is this big container," Gus said, volunteering their predicament.

"They don't sell salt like a spice in little jars because it's used a lot.  If you don't use it a lot you could just buy a cheap salt and pepper set," she said, pointing to the section on the shelf with all the sets.

"Dad, that's perfect.  Don't we need pepper too?" Gus said as he looked at his Dad.

"Fine. I don't know why Emmett didn't just tell me to buy one of the sets. Pick one out, Sonny boy, and put it in the basket."

Gus picked up a set of the spices.  "What's next, Dad?"

"Garlic powder."

Gus looked at the spices and the garlic powder was another large jar.  "Dad, do you think they sell this in small size?"

The woman had her suspicions confirmed; this was a father and his son.  She felt like she might have hit the jackpot.  Her friends always told her that the grocery store was a great place to find men.  

She reached out her hand, smiled as she looked Brian in the eyes, and said, "Hi I'm Muriel.  Buying spices can be really confusing.  I can help."

Brian shook his head, recognizing the flirtatious nature of her offer.  It wasn't the first time that he'd been hit on by a woman and it wouldn't be the last, but he had his share of conniving women in the last 24 hours and didn't want to deal with another one.

"We don't need any help. I think we've got this, thanks."  Turning to Gus, he said, "It looks like there are a couple of different companies that make the spices.  Just find the smallest one and put it in the cart.  I don't want to be like your mom and spend hours in the damn grocery store."

"Okay.  But if you change your mind, I'll be just over there in the baking section.  I have to make a lemon swirl cake and I need the ingredients," Muriel said.  "Again, my name is Muriel.  It was nice meeting you." Muriel walked down toward the baking supplies and listened to the man and his son, hoping for another opportunity to be helpful.

They found garlic, onion powder, cayenne, and paprika.  Brian liked a good smoked burger and wanted to find the smoked paprika, but couldn't locate it.  He turned his head and saw that Muriel was still lurking in the baking section.  He knew she was flirting but she had offered to help and he wanted his first attempt at cooking to be successful.  

"Gus, why don't you go to the baking section and ask Muriel if she could help us," Brian said, hating to ask for help but knew that if he wanted to find the spice, she was his quickest option.

Muriel smiled when Gus asked her and she eagerly pushed her cart toward Brian.  "Isn't this just your lucky day.  I was just about to go into another aisle when this young man asked me for help. Are you having difficulty finding another spice?"This time she batted her eyelashes at Brian and gave him this huge smile.

"I need Smoked Paprika," Brian said, ignoring her flirtatious moves.

"Oh.  That is an unusual spice, but I use it all the time.  You really have discriminating taste.  The store has a rack of small packages of spices on the end cap over there.  You'll find the Smoked Paprika there," she said as she brushed her hand against Brian's hand as she pointed to the area.

"Great," Brian said as he turned to walk toward the area.

"I didn't catch your name. I'd love to try out those burgers that you are talking about.  The list of spices you picked sounds amazing," Muriel said. 

"Thanks for your help. I'm sure you can make them,"  Brian said and walked away.  He didn't want her getting any ideas that he might be interested in anything but her help in finding a spice.  He knew he was abrupt, but he had found that it was the best deterrent to continued flirting.  He only wished that he'd realized this technique earlier in his life, say college.  If he had practiced this short speech, maybe he wouldn't have become entangled with Lindsay.  But that was the ultimate catch 22.  If he'd declined Lindsay's friendship and flirtations, he wouldn't have Gus, but then he wouldn't be fighting his addiction, since Gus was the impetus for change.  It was all such a vicious circle.  He couldn't turn back time, nor did he really want to eliminate his friendship with Lindsay.  He just wanted to be friends, and have Gus in his life.  

Gus and Brian found the spice rack that Muriel indicated. "Dad, here's the Smoked Paprika.  Now to get potatoes and the meat.  She was really nice to help us.  No one ever comes up to mom like that in a grocery store.  She usually has to hunt down a person who works there."

Brian shook his head, debating if he should enlighten his son. "Gus, she was flirting with me.  She was almost begging to be asked to join us as we made our burgers."

"That's silly, Dad.  You like guys. Why would she be flirting with you?"

"It happens all the time.  I don't wear a sign that says I'm gay and when you're with me women think that I'm a single Dad.  It's open hunting season."

"Hunting season?"

"Gus, women are always looking for ‘Mr. Right,' and a guy with a kid is always assumed to be single and most likely looking for a woman."

"Wow.  I guess if you are gay, it's really awkward," Gus said as he took in what his father told him.

"I imagine you will see it a lot now that you'll be spending more time with me.  I don't get hit on in too many places since I typically don't go to too many places where single women are found.  But now that I will be spending more time with you, it may happen more often.  Grocery stores, clothing stores, shoe stores, etc. are common places.  I occasionally get hit on by some of the moms at your soccer game, but since you are on the field, you don't notice it."

"Some of the moms at soccer hit on you? That is weird. Guess I'm happy that I'm playing soccer and can't see it."

"Let's get the rest of our food and go home.  I'm getting hungry and Justin is coming over about 7:30."

"Justin is coming over?  The guy who helped with the photography?"

"Yep. Same one.  He offered to give you a few pointers."  They took their small basket of items to the checkout and paid for their groceries.  

"That is awesome.  I can't wait to try out my new camera."  Gus thought for a moment and asked, "Dad, is he hitting on you?"

"No, Gus.  He's my sponsor and a good friend.  He's actually coming over to help out with some AA stuff," Brian said, as he mulled over Gus' question.  He remembered when he first met Justin and wanted to get him into bed, but Justin had declined the offer.  Looking back, Brian realized that had been the smart and correct thing to do.  He thought about sex, missing the thrill of the conquest, but he'd realized that he wasn't really ready to return to his favorite playground.  

They returned to the loft where they cooked up the burgers and made the potatoes in the microwave.  Brian had also picked up the makings of a salad and threw those ingredients together to make a very nice meal.  

Gus and Brian sat at the island for dinner.  Brian had plated the food and they sat on the bar stools. 

"Do you ever eat at your table?" Gus asked, looking at the large piece of furniture that could easily seat 10 or 12 people.

"Not really.  I don't entertain and up until now, I really didn't cook a lot."

"So why do you have this monstrously big table?"

"You sure ask a lot of questions," Brian said as he took a bite of the burger.  The combination of flavors hit his tongue, delighting his taste buds.  Emmett had provided a good first recipe for them to try.  

"Sorry," Gus said, not liking Brian's comment. He took a bite of his burger and said, "this is awesome.  I knew Auntie Emm could make pizza, but this burger is amazing."

"No need to apologize, Gus.  It was an observation, not a complaint.  Anyway, it's a huge space and it needed a big table.  Someday I might need something that big if the whole family were to come over."

"You think you'd have the whole family over like Grandma Debbie does every Sunday?  We could make the meal and show off our cooking skills," Gus said, his enthusiasm bubbling over.

Brian shrugged his shoulders, "You never know.  It could happen.  But we need lots more practice before I'm ready to have the family over."

"What kind of AA stuff is Justin helping you with?"

Brian had always been honest with Gus and he wasn't going to stop now.  "I attend a meeting every day that helps me understand why I used to drink.  On the weekends I have you, I've gone to an afternoon meeting on Friday and a late-night meeting after I drop you off at your mom's. Since I had to pick you up from school and I'm going to have you all weekend, it would mean I'd miss a few days.  Justin offered to come over and meet with me so I wouldn't miss out."

Gus finished the last of his burger, eyeing the second burger still on the stove.  He was pretty full, but the burger was really good.  He still had some of his potato left as well as a few bites of his salad. He would finish his food and not ask for seconds.  

"That's really nice of him to offer.  It's so cool that he's going to teach me about photography too.  He seems like a really nice guy."

"He is. Let's clean up and he should be here shortly," Brian said.

They cleaned up the kitchen and Brian put the burgers away.  Brian got out Gus's new phone and he was looking at the instruction book when the buzzer went off.

Gus went to the door and pushed the button. "Who is it?"

"Justin"

"Okay, I'll buzz you up," Gus said.

Justin came in carrying a few cameras and a thick book.  He placed the cameras on the coffee table in front of the couch.

"Thanks again for coming, Justin," Brian said as he dried the last salad bowl.

"No problem.  I haven't played around with my cameras in a while and there is nothing like enjoying your hobby with another enthusiast."

Gus went over to the table and asked, "Can I look at it?" as he pointed to one of the cameras.

"Sure," Justin said as he handed one to Gus.  He started to explain the parts of the camera and about light and the settings.  He picked up a second camera and repeated the process.  Afterwards they practiced with different settings on the camera and Gus got to see how light impacted the picture.  They worked together for several hours, but Brian could see Gus stifled several yawns.  

"Gus, time for bed.  I bet Justin would be willing to come over again and teach you some more about the cameras."

Gus' face lit up.  "Would you be willing to do that?  You know so much."

"Sure.  It's great working with someone with your enthusiasm."

"Go get ready for bed, Sonny boy.  I'll be in to tuck you in shortly."  Turning toward Justin, he said, "Thank you.  He loved the lessons."

"No problem.  After he's in bed, we can do our meeting.  I brought over some materials that we could discuss."

Brian tucked Gus in bed, ruffling his hair.  "Those were some really good burgers.  I think we make a great team.  We can talk tomorrow about what our next food foray will be."  He leaned down and kissed Gus on the forehead.

"Love you, Dad.  Thanks for being my Dad."

TBC

As he turned off the light in the bedroom, he experienced a mixture of emotions: anger at Lindsay for putting him in the position to fight for the right to see his son, and at Michael for not accepting his addiction. He was happy that Cynthia accepted his addiction and asked if she could help in any way and that Ted listened to him, making himself available to help him in his journey.  Last, but not least, he was elated that Justin had offered to have a meeting at his home in order for him not to miss one.  Justin was proving to be a great sponsor and he had begun to think of the man as a friend.  He wasn't used to anyone volunteering to help him without an ulterior motive.  While Ted and Emmett had definitely offered to be his wingmen when he thought he wanted to try going to Babylon, they had a very long history of friendship.  He still felt a little uncomfortable asking them for help, but they seemed to offer their assistance without any conditions.  
Brian left the bedroom and went to the kitchen, calling to Justin who was sitting on the couch,   "My coffee may not be as good as that little diner we hit on Tuesdays, but it's pretty good.  I can make a pot if you want or I can just brew me a pod.
"A pot would be great," Justin said.
Brian put the water in the reservoir and filled the filter with coffee, smelling the rich aroma as he scooped it in.  He joined Justin on the couch.
"Let's get started.  The coffee will take about 10 minutes."
Justin picked up his ‘Big book' opening it to the page where he'd placed a yellow sticky flag.  He skimmed it again and then started talking.  "Today, I'd like to talk about participation and action.  Sobriety is not a spectator sport.  In order to address your addiction, you have to take steps to change.  Attending meetings is the first step, examining your life is important as well," Justin said.  He'd been reading the "Big Book" for a few hours before coming to Brian's home.  He wanted to ensure that the meeting tonight was meaningful to him and met his needs at this moment.
He looked toward Brian, ensuring that he was listening.  Brian was facing him as he sat on the leather chair, his body leaned slightly forward with a serious look on his face.  His phone was nowhere in sight, always a good sign that he was listening and not distracted.  He was always surprised at how many people picked up their phones in the middle of a meeting.  The meetings were small, maybe 10-15 people at most and it was so obvious when people were looking at their phones and not paying attention to the conversations of their fellow attendees. He often wondered how vested those people were in sobriety.   
"I've told you many times that sobriety is not a syllabus where you can check off each assignment until you are finished with the course. Every day you have to work on your sobriety.  It can take many forms of work; making active choices not to drink as well as working on the areas of your life that are lacking." Brian nodded his head as Justin talked.  While Justin had never led a meeting, he felt that he and Brian had a nice rapport.  He hoped that this was a good foundation for his ‘meeting' to be successful and helpful to Brian.  
"When my dad threw me out, I turned to the bottle to hide from life.  I didn't want to face the fact that the man who had raised and nurtured me kicked me out because of my sexuality.  I was angry, hurt, and questioned my worth.  That was the first time I really poured my feelings into the bottle."
To this day, Justin had such mixed feelings about that time in his life. He was pleased with himself for finally acknowledging his true self, but he often questioned whether he should have told his father.  Had he not told his father about his sexuality, he would still have him in his life.  On the other hand, had he not told his father, he felt that he would be living a lie and having to keep a huge part of who he was hidden.  Hiding a big piece of himself every time he had an interaction with his father would have probably been just as problematic and stressful as his dad kicking him out of his home.  Since there really was no way to turn back time or change his choices, whenever those thoughts came up, he tried to quickly dismiss them and move on to thinking about how wonderful his life was now.  
"My mom originally sided with my dad, but realized her mistake and she apologized.  But in some ways, it was too late.  I was already drinking."
"You blame your dad for your drinking?" Brian asked, a little confused.  "What happened to taking responsibility for our drinking?"
"I don't blame my dad.  I just used him as an excuse to not face our failed relationship.  I blamed myself for how he felt.  But of course, I know I have no control over other people's emotions.  We can't change how people react.  We can only change how we react to events."
Brian said, "I think the coffee is ready.  Want some?  I associate meetings with coffee.  Even though the coffee is typically not drinkable, the smell of coffee makes me think of AA."
"Sure.  I'll join you in the kitchen and fix mine," Justin said as he followed Brian into the kitchen.  Brian got down two mugs as well as the sugar.  He opened up the fridge and took out the creamer as well.  While he did not typically have a stocked fridge, he had picked up some creamer this afternoon when he and Gus had gone shopping.  He knew Justin liked creamer in his coffee and wanted to have some on hand when he came that evening. The two men fixed their coffees to their liking and returned to the living room, sitting down and attending their "meeting".
"That was a difficult time in my life.  I started drinking, but then I also poured my feelings into my art.   I don't know how I managed to paint anything of value.  It took almost a decade of painting before I had my first gallery showing.  Then my drinking changed from drowning my feelings to celebrating my success.  There was always free booze at an opening.  My agent felt it was important to support the art scene and show up to other artist's shows as well as my own."  Justin frequently thought about that time in his life, trying to pinpoint when things tipped in the opposite direction. 
"So you were drinking for over a decade before you stopped?" Brian said, surprised at Justin's statement.  He appeared so wise when it came to sobriety, even though Brian knew he had been sober only a year when they met.  
"I didn't have a lot of money when my father kicked me out; so I couldn't buy a lot of booze.  I worked at a diner for a while and then moved up to a chain restaurant.  When the tips were good, I bought liquor.  I painted a little bit at the time, but I didn't have the money for supplies but as I changed jobs and moved up, I made more money.  After a few years, I moved up to a more exclusive restaurant and the tips were excellent. I started out by painting during the day, working from 5:00 to midnight and then going back to my room and getting plastered. That worked for a few months, but then I found myself not getting up till noon, hungover and unable to do much of anything until I had to go to work again."  Justin drank some of his coffee and enjoyed the respite from talking. That time in his life always seemed like such a blur, an endless cycle of waking, drinking, working, with an occasional session with his paints.  He was just thankful that he got through it basically unscathed.  Somehow he was able to survive and live to tell the tale.
"You talked about taking action and control, what did you do?  What changed?" Brian asked, finding the history very interesting.  He enjoyed learning more about Justin.  He was surprised as he had never been interested in listening about people's lives.
"I got fired for coming to work late too many times and then went to rehab." Justin drank another sip of his coffee.  He was Brian's sponsor and was there for Brian, not the other way around.  Sure, Jeremy, his sponsor knew about his past, but he hadn't felt that he needed to burden Brian with the knowledge.
"You went to rehab!!!  Fuck.  But I thought you said you've only been sober for a year?" Brian asked as so many conflicting thoughts ran through his head.  ‘Why hadn't Justin mentioned Rehab?  The timelines don't fit.  What wasn't he telling him?  If Justin couldn't make it in Rehab, then what hope did he have?'   He looked at Justin who appeared calm and level-headed as he spoke about his past.  While Brian had never been in a rehab facility, he had visions of small rooms, strict order, and regimented activity, almost like a prison.  He had difficulty picturing Justin in a place like that.   The topic had never come up. 
"I have been sober for a year.  When I went to rehab, I only stayed sober for two months after I completed the program.  I wasn't really ready to take action to change my life. I did it because my boss said he'd take me back if I got clean.  I didn't have any money saved since I spent it on booze or art supplies. I didn't feel that I had much choice but to go to Rehab.   A big part of sobriety is doing things that help you stay sober.  I didn't do that.  I went right back to my old habits." 
Brian was reeling from Justin's disclosure. He wanted to ask a billion questions but wasn't sure that was his place to do so.  
"I know you have questions and I'm willing to answer them.  It's okay to ask," Justin said, giving Brian permission to voice his thoughts.
"You just threw me for a loop.  What happened?  I mean... Okay... You went to Rehab.  That failed.  Then you started drinking again. But how did you get from waiter to artist?"
"When I got out of Rehab, I started painting and for the few months that I was sober, I built up a large inventory of work.  Evidently, being sober helps my creativity.  During that short time, I found an agent and he eventually found me a few spots in a small gallery showing."  Justin finished his coffee and walked to the kitchen to make himself a fresh one.  He hoped that telling Brian about his failure wouldn't hurt his progress.  After he fixed a new mug of coffee he returned to the living area.
"It went well.  People commented on my style and quickly I was asked to show my work in other galleries.  But then, I took advantage of the free booze at openings and the glass of wine offered when I met my agent.  I wasn't well-known enough to make a living from my paintings, so I still had to work as a waiter.  I hated the job. Waiting tables is a thankless job.  I won't go into all the things I hate about it, but just accept that I used it as an excuse to drink."  The coffee had cooled down sufficiently that Justin could drink it.  He blew over the top of the mug and drank some.  "The coffee is good."
"You know the rest.  I got drunk at a show and my agent threatened to drop me if I didn't get clean.  I went back to my studio, trashed it, and the next day I attended my first AA meeting."  Justin got a far-away look in his eye when he remembered that morning.  He'd gone to his agent's office, tale between his legs, ready to apologize and promise it wouldn't happen again. When he was a waiter he'd made that same promise many times.  Because he was a great waiter and many customers asked to be seated in his section, his manager overlooked his drinking for a long time.  But finally, he'd reached his limit and gave Justin an ultimatum: be fired or get sober and come back. He'd gone to Rehab.  Since his manager at the restaurant had allowed his tardiness for a long period of time, he thought for sure that his agent would give him a second chance.
 "I remember that morning with as much clarity as I remember stepping into my first AA meeting.  I had waited until mid-afternoon, ensuring that I was completely sober. I knocked on the huge wooden door of her office, expecting her to smile at seeing me.  Instead, she waved me in and motioned for me to sit.  She didn't even give me a chance to apologize. She told me to get clean, stop drinking at shows or she wouldn't represent me. I had a real incentive to stay clean."  He often replayed that scene in his head.  It was a great incentive to not take that first drink.  He now made a living from his art and didn't want to go back to waiting tables. It didn't take any work to bring up that memory even though it had been over a year. 
"Funny, how certain memories are imprinted in your mind and others you have to work really hard to find,"  Justin said as he thought of all the memories he had.
"The first time I was threatened with my job which meant I wouldn't have money to pay the rent, but obviously that wasn't enough.  Evidently, painting is more important than housing and eating."  Justin smiled at Brian, hoping he would appreciate the irony that painting was more important to him than keeping a roof over his head.  
As Brian listened to Justin talk about his journey, he realized he didn't find the story boring, but rather found himself very interested.  This was something he hadn't expected, but should not have been surprised about.  He and Justin talked about the messages and topics in each meeting.  It was unusual for him to think back to those topics and to the stories and observations of the other attendees for days and even weeks afterward. 
 "So your action was going to AA?" Brian asked.
"That was one, but I had a lot more.  I spent hours examining my relationship with my father.  I finally confronted him.  I knew I wasn't going to change my sexuality, but I hoped that having a son who was a well-known artist would override his opinions.  Of course, it did not.  I took action there.  Once I decided to face that demon and make a plan for living without him in my life, I felt a huge burden lift." Justin took another sip of his coffee and then placed the mug on the coaster on the table.  
"I had a lot of actions.  I attended AA.  I thought about my relationship with my mother and other people in my life.  I went to different coffee shops, making it a new hobby.  I made a plan with my agent to get sparkling water served to me inconspicuously at events.  Lots of things, but each one was a purposeful act to address staying sober."
Brian had finished his coffee as well and walked to the kitchen to make a fresh mug.  He realized that Justin's idea for a meeting of the two of them was turning out to be very helpful.  While they had no input into the topic of a typical meeting, Justin was always able to hone in on bits that might help Brian. Justin was proving to be invaluable. Brian returned to the couch. 
Justin had determined the format he wanted to use for their "meeting".  He wanted to ensure their discussion felt like a meeting, bringing up a topic and exploring it.  He didn't want this to be like their after-meeting talks at the diner.  He wasn't sure he could pull that off, but he would try.  Either way, he was sure that Brian needed some extra support after the difficult day he had.  All of his fears from the last few months had come to a head and he felt that Brian would be very tempted to throw all his progress away, choosing to not deal with all the drama.  
"I'm going to step away from the typical meeting since I know what you are dealing with right now.  I'd like to discuss some of the actions you have taken and their impact on you.  What are you doing to address your sobriety?"
"I guess that would be okay.  I'm following your lead.  You are just like the leader of our groups, making a statement and asking members to share.  However, you have more knowledge about what is currently happening in my life," Brian grinned as he looked at Justin. He was giving Justin a little bit of a hard time regarding his leadership, but he thought Justin wouldn't mind.  
"What went through your mind when you received the restraining order?"  Justin asked, hoping to show Brian that each of the events that he'd shared with him today was the culmination of his actions.
Brian didn't hesitate to answer.  "My first reaction was anger, but that quickly dissipated.  I was actually happy that Lindsay challenged my right to my son.  Don't get me wrong, I don't look forward to their games, but I was happy to see that my thoughts and fears were vindicated.  I always thought that once I told Lindsay that I was an alcoholic, she would use that knowledge to keep me from Gus.  That is why I went to the lawyer.  The minute I told her what was happening, I was relieved to get it off my chest but also knew that I had legal protection."  Brian took a drink of his coffee.  He found it soothing, the normality of the action bringing calm to the moment.
"You took action by contacting the lawyer and it helped you feel confident?" Justin asked.  He knew how worried Brian was about his access to Gus and the steps he had taken to safeguard his relationship.  
"I wanted to tell Lindsay on my own timetable.  I had all the power and still do.  They may think that they can keep Gus away from me, but I know better.  I took the action to ensure my place.  I'm not going to stay awake at night wondering if the law is on my side."
"Actions in every part of your life are important.  It lets you take control.  Prior to sobriety, the alcohol was in control," Justin summarized.  Justin was really pleased with the flow of the conversation.  It felt like a meeting where someone says something and oftentimes a member of the leader would clarify the statement. This often led to further exploration of the statement on the part of the attendee.  
"Right.  So telling Michael that I won't put up with his request to go drinking and to Babylon is taking action?"  Brian asked, hoping that Justin would agree with his assumption.
Justin could have given Brian a direct answer but decided to return the question.  "Do you think it was action?  It doesn't matter what I think.  This is your life, not mine."
Brian thought for a little while.  He pondered all the time and energy he'd put into questioning his relationship with Michael.  He'd started out by telling Justin about Michael and their history.  He discussed his relationship with Debbie and how it was entwined with Michael.  He'd spent endless hours letting the hamsters run amok in his head trying to figure out how he felt about Michael and their relationship.  He frequently felt like he was on a seesaw when it came to Michael, his thoughts going up and down.  On the one hand, Michael had been his friend for over 20 years, but on the other hand, friends change.  Michael saw their friendship in terms of going to Babylon, Woody's, and drinking.  Brian would not allow himself to define his relationships by those activities.  He wanted more from his life.  He finally realized that if he continued his friendship with Michael, Michael would have to change.  Brian had learned that no one drives your change but yourself.  Unless Michael was willing to change the parameters of their friendship, they couldn't remain friends.
"I had the same epiphany the other day.  I realized that I can only change myself; I can't change Michael or Lindsay or anyone else.  If Michael doesn't want to change his way of thinking about me, then I had to accept that I can't be friends with him.  To answer your question, I do think that was action on my part.  I told him exactly what I needed in order to remain friends.  The action was my decision to accept my boundaries and what I needed."
"Good.  So your action was taking care of yourself and taking steps to do that."
"You always make things seem so clear," Brian said.  "Learning that you went to Rehab was a shock but now that I think about it, it is giving me confidence.  You were able to see what didn't work and I think you've been able to guide me in my journey,"  Brian said, trying to reassure Justin that he appreciated the disclosure and didn't think badly about him.   "Wait.  That didn't come outright.  I'm not happy that you didn't succeed when you went to Rehab.  It's just that I think I'm benefitting from that failure as you have been able to guide me so that I can succeed."  Brian ran his hands across the top of his head, realizing his words still didn't come outright.  "Shit!.   Look I'm not very good at this talking thing.  I just want to let you know that I appreciate your help and whatever helped you get here has made you pretty damn effective in helping me with my sobriety."
Justin smiled.  He had been correct in telling Brian about his failed attempt at Rehab. Brian understood that Justin's failure helped him realize what he needed to do in order to be successful.  That was his goal and he had succeeded.  
"I'm glad I could help.  It sounds like you feel pretty good about all the conversations you've had today."
"I do.  In the past, I would have just said forget it and probably not even fought for the things I wanted. I think I'm used to thinking that my wishes are unimportant.  I always came last or didn't really think about my needs."  Brian finished his cup of coffee, relishing the drink.  
"We've talked tonight about the culmination of many actions on your part.  You decided that you didn't want to hurt Gus and went to AA.  You called a lawyer to determine your legal rights. You took Gus for a DNA test.  You emptied your liquor cabinet.  You've stopped going to Babylon.  Each of those was actions.  We don't know what actions we will need to complete each day, but we know that every day we have to make the conscious decision not to drink.  That is the most important action we need to take.  However, all the other actions add up.  Without taking the other actions, the action not to drink would be moot.  Until we accept that we need to change our lives and ourselves, the actions won't be successful," Justin said as he summarized the discussion.  He picked up his mug to take a last drink and realized it was empty.  Due to the hour, he wasn't going to make a new cup of coffee.  He put it on the table and smiled at Brian.
"I have done a lot of actions.  Thanks for pointing it out to me."
"You know, on a totally different subject.  I think you've made me a coffee snob.  Well, maybe I actually pay attention to the taste.  Just today, my assistant said that I should open up my repertoire of foods that I eat.  Oh, I also told her about my sobriety today. She was pleased and said she had seen a difference in me at work. At least someone had a positive thought about my decisions," Brian said, tongue in cheek.  He didn't really know why he hadn't told Cynthia before today.  He knew she was a trusted and loyal employee.  He knew she would support him. 
Brian stood up to take Justin's empty mug, carrying them to the kitchen, and placing them in the dishwasher. Returning to the living room, he said,  "Thanks for coming over and doing this. I've got Gus all weekend.  I normally take him back early Saturday night and hit the 8:00 meeting at the community center."
Before Brian could finish, Justin interrupted.  "Brian, I told Gus that I would be willing to help him with his photography any time.  I'll plan on coming by about the same time tomorrow.  It's not a problem.  We would normally be at a meeting.  We just changed the location to your home."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure.  But I have an appointment with my agent in the morning, so I better get going. She is like a hawk for being on time.  She is still suspicious if I'm late.  She says that I'm a hot artist right now and I don't need to fuck things up by being drunk. When I'm late to a meeting, she is always worried that it's due to being hungover."
"Okay." 
They got up from the couch and walked to the door. Justin raised his arms to give Brian a hug.  "I'm proud of you.  I'll see you tomorrow."  Then he turned around and opened the sliding door to walk out.
Brian watched him leave, thinking that it was really nice that someone was proud of him.  He was even okay with the hug Justin had given him.  He frequently saw members hug each other at meetings, but he'd never been a hugger.  Maybe, he was changing.  He found that he liked Justin's hug.
TBC    

Sunday at the Museum

Brian wasn't quite ready for sleep when Justin left; so, he picked up the "Big Book", opening it to one of the personal stories.  He chose "The Missing Link".  He read how the writer had experienced a difficult childhood as a result of Depression and found alcohol to eventually dull the pain and feel good about himself.  

As Brian read the short story, he mentally substituted Depression for the words "abusive parents".  He didn't tell any teachers about his parents or his home life. While he played sports and was considered an outstanding athlete, he didn't participate in any team activities outside of the mandatory practices and games. 

When he stood up to the bullies that were taunting Michael at school, Michael had brought him home to meet Debbie and she had informally made him a part of their family.  Even though Deb witnessed the abuse Brian suffered at the hands of his father, she did nothing to protect him. She opened her home as a haven, but that only addressed the aftereffects of the abuse, rather than preventing it. 

He blamed his horrific childhood for his inability to recognize his feelings and emotions.  It was easier to hide the truth; that he was an unwanted child whose parents wished he'd never entered the world than to admit the continual emotional pain he experienced when he was reminded daily that his only worth was as a punching bag for his father's anger.  He'd learned from an early age that it wasn't smart to discuss his home life.  He'd learned to hide in a bottle of "Jim' rather than tell anyone that he didn't know what caring and love were, much less demonstrate those feelings. 

He found he liked Lindsay well enough, but love wasn't something he really understood.  He was certain that love didn't exist if his parent's union was any indication of what a typical marriage looked like.  Even Lindsay and Mel who supposedly loved one another were constantly arguing over money or other trivial things like whose turn it was to pick up Gus.  

He'd started drinking when he was 18, way before he was legally allowed to do so.  Seemingly, that should have given him sufficient time to learn about his emotions and how to interact with people.  However, he found that he lacked skills in those areas. When he got to college, he watched people, learning the necessary skills to be successful in business.  In his mind, success was measured by how far away he could remove himself from his parent's sphere, and how much money he had in the bank.  It hadn't occurred to him until he started attending AA that his problems were intertwined with alcohol.  When he was a child, both parents drank, using alcohol to hide and escape from the lives that were not fulfilling their dreams.  He learned that alcohol was the way to cope with life.  As an adult, he lacked a proper role model who could show him that feelings and emotions were a key component of happiness.  Now, with the encouragement of Justin, he was beginning to recognize and accept his feelings.  

He'd been sober for about 10 weeks and during that short time, he'd discovered that he had no idea who he really was or what he wanted out of life.  He was almost 40 years old but had no idea what he liked to do in his spare time, nor did he really know what constituted true friendship.  It wasn't until he'd been sober and attending meetings that he'd come to realize that he wanted more out of life than thinking about where he could get his next drink or blow job.  He'd always enjoyed his time with Gus, but if he were honest, he always subconsciously counted down the hours until he could return him to his mothers so he could "get on with his evening."  

As he told Justin, attending a meeting always got the hamsters running amok in his head and while tonight's meeting was untraditional, it still had the same result.  Without the alcohol and the perpetual thoughts about where he was going to get his next drink, he had to really think about what he wanted to do.  He was beginning to form a small picture of things he enjoyed, but 20+ years of drinking and hiding his feelings as well as a failure to develop any personal goals beyond financial success had taken their toll.  

He placed the "Big Book" back on the coffee table where Justin had left it.  Thinking about the questions Gus had about his drinking; he wondered if Gus would gain insight after reading some of the stories.  He realized that he really didn't want to push Gus in that direction.  It was enough to answer his questions.  As Gus had so eloquently put it this evening, "I didn't spend that much time with you, so I didn't know that alcohol was an issue."  Gus had been the reason for his sobriety, and he would be forever grateful for his relationship with his son.  He looked forward to forging a deeper bond with him.  Now that he had begun to recognize his feelings and stopped hiding them in his glass of Jim, he hoped they would help each other grow.  

For now, he'd had enough contemplation for the evening.  He thought about the visit to the art museum and realized that he'd never been there.  Of course, he'd not been to many of Pittsburgh's museums.  However, his friendship with Lindsay and her passion for art made him wonder why she had never tried to drag him to some art exhibit.  She would be shocked to know that he was voluntarily going to the Carnegie Museum.  If he was honest with himself, and he was trying to do that more and more, he was looking forward to seeing the museum through Justin's eyes. Justin was quickly becoming a friend and he liked that idea.  He decided to move the "Big Book'' to the bookshelf instead of leaving it out for Gus to see. If Gus sought it out on his own, that would be fine, but he did not want to leave it out in an unspoken invitation that he should pick it up and read it.

He checked the door alarm, shut off the lights, and readied himself for bed.  As he closed his eyes, he saw Justin smiling at him as he entered the lift.  Gus smiled at him and occasionally Lindsay smiled at him, especially when he gave her a large sum of money for something Gus needed, but the smile of a friend was new, and he found it made him happy.  

In the morning, Gus and Brian dressed and decided they would head to the diner for breakfast.  While Brian found he could follow a recipe, he really did not have a fully stocked kitchen to cook more than a specific meal that they had planned.  It was after 9:30 when they arrived and seeing Debbie working reminded Brian he needed to talk to her about Gus' exchange.  

Debbie came over to their table. "What'll be boys?" She said as she got out her tablet and pen. 

"I'll have pancakes and a glass of chocolate milk," Gus said.

"I'll have an egg-white omelet with cheese and mushrooms, coffee, and wheat toast without any butter," Brian said.

Gus and Brian waited for their food and discussed their upcoming visit to the museum. 

"Do you think I'll like the museum?  It's just a bunch of pictures," Gus said, the hesitancy in his voice asking for reassurance from his father.

"I honestly don't know, but I trust Justin.  Sure, he's an artist, but if he thought you would be bored, he probably wouldn't have suggested it.  I can't see him offering to go with us if he didn't think you'd like it."

"He's not like other adults.  You know, he asks me questions and shows me stuff.  Mom's friends only talk to me about school."

"I guess we both got lucky when he volunteered to be my sponsor.  I've learned so much from him," Brian said. He thought about last night, sitting in his living room as he contemplated the huge changes in his life.  Not only was he sober, but Justin had been instrumental in helping him explore himself and his feelings.   

They continued talking once Deb brought their food. Gus asked, "Do you think it's hard to make pancakes?  I bet we could make some great ones?"

"I don't see how it would be hard.  They bring them out to the table quickly, so there must not be a lot to cooking them.  Maybe, next weekend we can try making those."

Gus said, "That would be fun.  I wonder what other things we can practice making."  

When Deb brought the check, she laid it on the table, starting to walk away.

Brian called to her, "Deb, come sit for a minute."

Deb was anxious to talk to Brian about his sobriety but was surprised that he was choosing the diner to do so.  While the diner was empty at this time on a Sunday morning, the gay grapevine was always listening for tidbits about its residents.  

Deb sat down next to Gus.  

"I won't be coming to dinner tonight, but I'll drop off Gus a little early," Brian said, hoping she wouldn't question why he wasn't coming to dinner, but knew that was highly unlikely. They were sitting in the back of the diner, and Brian kept his voice low, hoping to avoid the gay grapevine sharing this private information. 

"What's so important that you can't come to Sunday dinner?  It's only a few hours. Surely, whatever you have planned can wait while you spend time with your family," Debbie said, appearing very irritated at Brian.  She was as transparent as glass when it came to her opinions. 

"You have Gus' mothers to thank for my absence. They served me with a restraining order," Brian said.  He picked up his cup of coffee, taking a sip.  His voice was neutral as if he were speaking about the weather.

"What the hell!!," Deb said.  "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.  What caused them to do that?"  Her mouth opened wide to continue her diatribe, but then looked over, seeing Gus, and didn't continue.  

He hoped no one was really paying attention to Debbie, despite her loud voice. Brian didn't want to listen to a litany of Deb's opinions, therefore he continued speaking before she could rally any more questions.   

"Seems that Mel and Linds aren't very fond of the fact that I'm sober.  They've decided that I'm not safe to be with my son, so this was their solution," Brian said, choosing not to go into all the details of the discussion between him and Lindsay.

Deb listened to Brian, calming down immediately when she heard his reasons for skipping the meal. She immediately decided she would be giving her opinion to the women when they came to her home later that day.  "I'm proud of you, Brian.  Getting sober is a big decision.  How long has it been since you had a drink?"  

"10 weeks."

"10 weeks!! That is an accomplishment.  So why did they suddenly decide you weren't safe to be with Gus?"  Debbie asked, realizing there had to be more to the story than Brian was sharing.

"Deb, not now.  We are going to the Carnegie Art Museum.  I promise I'll stop by and talk to you."

"Why don't you come by after everyone leaves.  They're usually gone by 9:00 and I don't work on Mondays."

"I can be there by 10:00," Brian offered, realizing that it would be that late any day since he attended meetings every night.  

"But why so late?"

"I have a meeting.  Now, Deb, I promise to talk to you later, but Gus and I need to get going.  It will take us at least 45 minutes to get there." Brian didn't want to go into details about his meeting, hoping that Debbie would accept he had something important to do.  He often had work-related meetings in the evening; therefore, he hoped she would just assume it was work-related.  He was ready to tell his immediate family about his sobriety, but he wasn't eager to have the gay grapevine know his business.  If he'd given any thought to the matter, he'd know that the grapevine had noticed his extended absence from his former favorite playground, and the rumors had been flying speculating about the reason.

"Don't get your balls in a twist.  You better stop by tonight, Mr. Kinney.  You owe me a big explanation," Deb said, getting up to take care of her other customers. Before leaving, she leaned down giving Brian and Gus a kiss on their cheeks, leaving the residual lipstick mark.  Brian picked up his napkin to rid himself of the lipstick and Gus did the same.  

Brian left a tip and then they walked to the cash register to pay for their breakfast.  

"Okay, Sonny Boy, it's off to the art museum."

They took Brian's car since he hated not having his own transportation, and they were on a strict timetable making buses and schedules cumbersome.  In addition, he found the time he and Gus spent driving was a great time to talk. They arrived at the Museum, parked the car, and walked to the entrance where Justin was waiting.

"Hope you weren't waiting long?  I had to talk to Deb about dropping Gus off and not attending dinner tonight. She wanted an explanation, but Deb doesn't do short answers.  I had to promise to drop by her place after the meeting tonight," Brian said, feeling Justin needed an explanation.  Brian didn't really think about why he gave Justin the specific details until he finished talking.  Prior to his sobriety, he would never have felt the need to explain himself.  He found that explaining his tardiness to Justin was important.  He wanted to ensure that he knew the reason for their delay.  

"No worries.  I haven't been here long.  Besides, as I said to you guys, I love to ‘people watch'.  I've already taken a dozen or so pictures," Justin said.

Justin turned toward Gus, "Gus, there is so much to see before we even go into the museum, but I'll leave it up to you if you want to explore the grounds first or the museum," Justin asked.

Gus looked around at the people and the grounds, not really seeing anything different than he was used to.  "I guess we'll go inside," he said tentatively.  

"Okay.  Inside it is," Brian said. They walked inside the building and paid the admission price.  "Where to?  You're the tour guide."

Justin loved the museum and as he told Brian and Gus, he could spend days here, and probably had done so.  He'd seen the new exhibit by An- My Le: On Contested Terrain, and thought that would be a good place to start since it was a photography exhibit.  "This way, we'll hit a photography exhibit."  Justin turned toward the wing where the exhibit was located and waved his hand, indicating they should join him.  

Gus followed Justin, practically bouncing with excitement.  As they entered the exhibit Gus looked around, not sure what to expect.  There were photos lining the walls, some were abstracts but many looked like everyday objects.

"This is art?" Gus asked.

"What do you think?" Justin asked.

"I don't know. I always thought art was different.  I don't know, "he said again, unsure of what he was really seeing.  

"Art can be anything.  Let's go look at one of the pictures." They walked toward a picture. 

"What do you see?"

"A little boy," said Gus.

"Tell me about the scene."

"I see a little boy carrying two small buckets on a trail."

"Tell me more.  Look at his clothes."

"He's wearing a heavy jacket," Gus said as he looked at the picture.

"Look at his feet," Justin said.