Dartmouth Redux

Settling  

Outside Craig Taylor's Office Building

Justin looked up at the office building that housed his father's company. He knew what he had to do. He just wasn't sure that he could do it. Maybe he could in a few minutes. Maybe if he just took a deep breath. Maybe if he went and got a coffee. Maybe he would have the fucking courage to do the last thing left for him to do.

He turned away from the building and walked down the street to where he saw a Starbucks sign. He pushed the door open and walked to the counter. He ordered a latte and then went to sit at one of the small tables while they concocted his brew.

Justin ran over the details of the last few days. He couldn't believe how stupid he had been. Brian had done everything for him, had helped him to get the use of his hand back, had bought him the new computer and program to help him with his art, had given him a place to live and a bed to share. And like the stupid fucking idiot that he was he had turned to Ethan Gold.

Justin shook his head. He thought about the Rage party that Brian had orchestrated to launch the comic he and Michael had developed. It must have cost Brian a fortune, but he had done it anyway, even after he knew about him and Ethan. He supposed Brian had mostly done it for Michael. Michael was Brian's best friend after all. Michael loved Brian; everyone knew that … except maybe Michael and Brian.

Michael! Fucking Michael! They had actually grown closer while they were working on Rage. Justin knew that he had begun to think of Michael as his friend almost as much as Michael was Brian's friend. But that was a laugh and a half. Michael had jumped at the chance to betray him. He had run to Brian when he had found out about Justin and Ethan. Michael never gave him a chance to explain, or any warning of what he was going to do. He simply ran to Brian to tattle.

"Sir, sir!" the kid behind the counter called.

Justin was roused from his thoughts and walked over to the counter. He got his latte and went to add some sugar before sitting back down and letting his thoughts wander back to how he had fucked up his life.

Even though Michael had betrayed him, Justin could hardly blame him. Justin was the one at fault. He had slept with Ethan. He had betrayed Brian. He deserved what he had got.

Brian had finally made it clear that he knew what was going on and when Justin had asked him to tell him if he meant anything to Brian, Brian had turned it all back on him. Brian would never say he loved him, never admit that they might be able to have something great together. And that had never been clearer than when he had found Brian fucking "Rage" in the backroom of Babylon. He knew that Brian was showing him that he meant nothing to him. Brian was kissing him off, as his cock plowed into another man. So Justin had walked out of Babylon with Ethan.

What a huge fucking mistake that had been! It hadn't taken him more than a day to realize that Ethan was no Brian Kinney. He was a self-centered violinist more interested in his music than in Justin Taylor. But what had he expected? He wanted romance and that's what Ethan had promised him. Ethan had said the pretty words, words that Brian refused to say. And Justin had bought it hook, line and sinker. Well, almost. But the pretty words had only lasted until Ethan got the prize he wanted. Once he had Justin he seemed more interested in what Ethan wanted, more interested in fucking when Ethan wanted to fuck than when Justin wanted to, more interested in going to events that Ethan wanted to go to, in talking about things that Ethan wanted to talk about. It was all Ethan, Ethan, Ethan. It was almost like the Justin Taylor who had been a successful student, artist and gay man ceased to exist. He had simply become an appendage of the great Ethan Gold.

It was fucking sick! Brian was much more powerful and important than Ethan Gold, yet Brian had never made him feel as insignificant as Ethan did. But maybe the problem was that Justin Taylor was really an insignificant little gnat. Maybe that's what he should have realized a long time ago.

Well, he realized it now. He knew what he had to do, and it was time that he did it. He stood up and threw away his almost untouched latte. It was now or never. He walked down the street and entered his father's office building. He made his way up to the tenth floor and spoke to the receptionist who announced him.

Justin held his breath wondering if his father would even see him. After a minute or two the receptionist directed him down the hall to his father's office. He took a deep breath and pushed open the door.

"Dad," he said when Craig didn't look up.

"What do you want, Justin? I'm busy." Craig didn't even bother to look at his son. He continued to peruse the papers on his desk.

"I'm ready to do whatever you ask," Justin said softly.

Craig heard something in Justin's voice and looked up. He met Justin's eyes, eyes that had lost the look of independence and defiance that he had seen the last time he had spoken to his son. Obviously something had happened. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that I want to come home. I'll do whatever you say."

"You will, will you?"

"Yes."

"Will you give up this art nonsense and go to Dartmouth as you should have done in the first place?" Craig demanded.

"Yes," Justin whispered.

Craig was startled, but he knew when to push his advantage. "Will you never see Brian Kinney again?"

Justin shuddered, but answered, "Yes, father."

"Well then, we might be able to come to some sort of agreement."

"Thank you," Justin replied feeling like he had just sold his soul … and he had. It remained to be seen if he had sold it to the devil or just to a man named Craig Taylor. What difference did it make anyway? He was selling out, giving up everything he had believed in, settling for whatever crumbs his father chose to toss his way. What other choice did he have? He knew he would never survive living on the streets and he had turned everyone else against him thanks to what he had done to Brian. Brian never wanted to see him again, and neither would anyone else. He might as well go to Dartmouth. Even if he hated it, he would still get an education. Maybe he would be able to survive it, and he could earn a living when he was done. That was the best he could hope for. He had fucked up his life so completely. He didn't deserve anything better.

Craig was surprised at this compliant Justin. He wondered what had happened to cause this change, but he didn't really care as long as he got what he wanted. "You agree to all that?" he had to ask again to be sure.

"Yes."

"Then this is what I want you to do," Craig stated. "You will withdraw from PIFA immediately and I will see that you are enrolled at Dartmouth. You will get your belongings from that pedophile's apartment. Take only the things that are yours. You will keep nothing that he gave you. Do you understand?"

"Yes."

"I'll meet you on the sidewalk outside his apartment in two hours. Be there with whatever you want to take to Hanover with you. We will drive up immediately."

"But … how do you know I can get in?" Justin asked.

"Trust me. I'll take care of it."

"Okay."

"Good. Get moving and don't be late."

"Yes, father."

Brian's Loft

Justin gathered up the last of his meager belongings. He stuffed them into the box that he had brought with him from the market down the street. His clothes were in the duffel bag that sat by the loft door.

He walked over to the computer and touched it lovingly. It was the one thing that he would truly miss … besides Brian. It had given him back some of his ability to draw, but he would never be allowed to draw again, at least not in the way he wanted to. He wondered if they even had art classes at Dartmouth.

Well, it didn't matter. He was leaving all that behind him. He would need to concentrate on all the business courses that he was sure his father was enrolling him in.

He picked up a pen and a piece of paper. He wrote, keeping it brief.

Brian,

I'm going away. I don't want to cause any more problems.

I'm sorry I fucked up so bad. I have taken my belongings, only the stuff I brought with me when you first took me in. Thanks for everything you did for me.

I love you.

J

Justin looked up into the bedroom. He smiled at the memory of all the times he and Brian had fucked on that bed, and even made love once or twice. He remembered ice cream kisses on the chaise and fucking against the post by the counter. He remembered all the times they had sat on the sofa and watched TV, and the meals he had cooked for Brian in the kitchen. That was all done now.

He took out his keys and pulled the key to the loft off his ring. He placed his note against the canister on the counter. With a long sigh he picked up his duffel bag and his box. He walked to the door and set the alarm before locking it with his key. He rode down in the elevator and dropped the key into Brian's mailbox.

He opened the front door and stepped outside just as his father drove up. So began the new phase of his for shit life.

*****

Brian opened the door to the loft and felt the change immediately. The loft was different, empty, lonely. He glanced around and noted the folded piece of paper with his name on it sitting on the counter. He deliberately left it there as he went up into the bedroom. He knew what he would find but he wanted to check for himself.

Justin's clothes were missing from the closet, Justin's underwear and T-shirts were missing from his drawer, his toiletries from the bathroom. Justin was gone.

Brian strode down the steps and over to the kitchen counter. He picked up the piece of paper with his name on it and carried it over to the sofa. He sat down and flipped the paper open. It didn't take him long to read the few scant sentences. Justin was gone, but gone where? He didn't mention the fiddler. Were they going somewhere together?

Something about the note didn't sound right. It wasn't the usual feisty Justin, the Justin who was tenacious and a fighter. This sounded like a Justin who had given up. And what about the fucking fiddler? Brian had thought that was what, or rather who, Justin wanted. The note didn't sound like someone in love with Ethan Gold. And it even said he loved Brian at the end. But then a lot of notes ended with an "I love you!" or a "Love you!" Maybe that's all that was.

Brian stood and took off his winter coat. He had almost forgotten that he still had it on. He poured himself a drink and loosened his tie. What did this fucking note mean? He took a long swallow of the Beam and felt the familiar burn as it hit his system. What the fuck was Justin Taylor up to, and why hadn't he taken his computer with him? How was he going to continue with his art if he didn't have the computer?

Brian grabbed the cordless phone off his desk and hit number one on the speed dial. He hadn't changed it yet, and really didn't want to. The phone rang one and then he was told that the number was no longer in service. That was strange.

Next Brian hit the number for Red Cape Comics and Michael answered. "Do you know where Justin is?" Brian demanded as soon as Michael spoke.

"How the fuck should I know where the little shit is? I don't want anything to do with him, since he walked out on you, especially after everything you did for him," Michael said self-righteously.

"Has he called you?"

"No, and I won't speak to him if he does."

"What about Rage?"

"Our partnership is over."

Brian sighed. "If he calls you, tell him I want to speak to him."

"He won't call," Michael said decisively.

"Do you think he would have contacted Emmett?" Brian asked.

"I doubt it."

"What about your mother?"

"How the fuck should I know! And why do you care. After what he did…"

"Bye, Michael."

Brian hung up not wanting to hear any more of Michael's complaints about Justin. He decided to try Ethan and see if Justin was there.

"What do you want, Kinney?" Ethan said belligerently. "Called to gloat?"

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Well, you got him back, didn't you?"

"What? Are you talking about Justin?"

"Who the fuck else do we have in common?" Ethan wanted to know.

"He … you're not together?"

"No, he left yesterday. I thought he went back to you."

Brian hung up not wanting to discuss this with Ethan any further. What was going on? Where could Justin be? Brian tried Debbie, the Munchers, Daphne, even fucking Ted. Nobody had seen him. His last resort was Jennifer.

"What do you want, Brian?" she asked.

"I'm trying to get in touch with Justin."

"I thought you two were finished. That was quite an end to the Rage party," Jennifer said icily.

"Do you know where he is?"

"Yes, I do."

"Could you tell me so I can speak to him?"

He doesn't want to speak to you. He's on his way to Dartmouth with his father as we speak. You are not to contact him."

"And who's idea is that?"

Jennifer sighed. "He's decided to finish his education at Dartmouth. Leave him alone, Brian."

Brian cut the connection. Justin had given up everything, PIFA, Ethan, his independence, Brian. He had given up on himself too apparently.

Brian slumped back against the sofa cushions. Justin was gone … for good. And he was going back to his old life. He was settling for whatever crumbs his father was prepared to give him. Brian envisioned a bleak, lonely future for both of them. This wasn't how it was supposed to turn out ... not at all.

Fitting In  

First Year Residence - Dartmouth

Justin walked towards the front door of his residence at Dartmouth. He had been in Hanover for four days and had started classes almost immediately. He strode purposefully through the snow. He smiled slightly, realizing that he was enjoying his few days of university life. Dartmouth was different from PIFA, but some things were always the same.

He had to get up and go to classes. He was taking an economics course, a math, an English and a Psychology course as well as an elective art. His father had even suggested the art course, much to his surprise. They had had a long and interesting talk on the ride to Hanover.

His father had pulled in all the favors an old alumnus could muster to get him into the second semester at Dartmouth. He had only missed a couple of weeks of classes, but he still had quite a bit of catching up to do. But he was doing it, acing most of his classes even if he didn't like them all that much. Studying had never been that difficult for him.

And then there was the art. He had found the Hood Museum and had enjoyed looking at the artwork it contained. His studio course in drawing was pretty basic considering what he had been doing at PIFA, but still it was art and it gave him a chance to create. It was better than nothing.

Justin and Craig had talked about the years Craig had spent at Dartmouth. They even talked a bit about sports. As long as they didn't talk about Brian Kinney or Justin's perverted lifestyle, they actually got along pretty well. It was almost the way it used to be … except that it wasn't … and never would be again.

Craig had also pulled some strings to get Justin into a private room in the residence. Justin wasn't sure how he had done it, but he suspected that his father's bank account would be a lot lighter and Dartmouth would be a little richer. He didn't care. He liked having his privacy. His father probably thought that if he had a male roommate, he would jump the poor guy and cause more scandal for the family. Justin shuddered at the thought as he went into the building and up the stairs to his room.

He dumped his books on the desk and kicked off his runners. The snow wasn't too deep, but he thought he was going to need some boots in case there was a lot of snow one day soon. His father would pay. He had made it clear to Justin that he would provide everything Justin needed as long as Justin kept his nose clean and studied hard. And of course, there would be no mention of, or contact with, Brian Kinney.

Justin dropped down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. He had a paper to hand in to his Economics class the following Monday. It was mostly finished. He had it on the laptop that his father had brought with him when they headed for Dartmouth. Justin grabbed the computer and booted it up. He read through what he had written, decided it wasn't bad and sent it to the printer. That would be one more thing off his plate.

He laid back on the bed and closed his eyes. Why was it always Brian that he saw when he did that? Maybe it was because he still loved Brian, loved him as he always had. Ethan had been a very wrong turn in his life, and it had cost him dearly. But he could make this work. He could live without Brian. He could survive at Dartmouth.

Brian's Loft

Brian threw his toiletry kit into his bag and zipped it up. It was just after noon and he was heading for Hanover, New Hampshire. He had managed to clear his schedule and leave work early. Vance could go fuck himself.

Brian had decided that he needed to see Justin one more time. He wanted to find out what had possessed the blond to pack in his studies at PIFA. He couldn't comprehend why Justin would go to his father and not to him. Justin must have made some kind of deal with his father, but Brian knew that Dartmouth was not for Justin. Justin was an artist and he needed to go to PIFA. He needed to study art and become the artist that Brian knew was inside him.

Brian gathered up the few things he wanted to take with him before he started the long trek towards Dartmouth. He couldn't believe that no one else seemed concerned about Justin except him. Justin's so-called friends, Brian's friends, or whatever the fuck they were, acted like nothing had happened. Michael wanted nothing more to do with the kid, but that wasn't so unusual. Any affront to Brian Michael always took as a personal affront to himself. And Justin cheating with Ethan was a pretty big affront, at least in Michael's eyes.

Emmett didn't know what had happened to Justin, and he didn't seem in the least worried. Ted and the Munchers knew nothing and didn't seem to want to know. Daphne was concerned but she had her own studies to worry about and seemed to think Justin could look after himself.

Debbie was the one who really surprised Brian. Brian would have thought she would be all upset that Justin hadn't come back to her place. Actually that's what Brian had expected Justin to do, that was, if he didn't come back to the loft. Brian had to admit that that was what he had been hoping for.

Brian had felt that the thing with Ethan wouldn't last. Ethan was too young and too self-centered to really be what Justin wanted. He knew that Ethan had somehow sweet talked Justin, and Brian also knew that he could have done the same thing. Justin would still be here in the loft if Brian had only agreed to say those pretty words that Justin so desperately wanted to hear. But Brian knew that if he ever said them, they would be forever. He could never take them back, would never want to. And at the same time he knew that he wasn't ready to say them, didn't think that Justin was really ready for what they would mean. Neither one of them was ready. And so he didn't say the words … and Justin chose to go with Ethan with a little shove from Brian at the Rage party.

That had been a big mistake as things had turned out. Justin had gone with Ethan as was the intent, but Brian had expected the infatuation to last longer than a couple of nights. Brian shoving Justin away had obviously had much larger repercussions. It had given Justin few choices. Justin had decided to give up his life in Pittsburgh, give up his art, and give up Brian. He had chosen to try to be what his father wanted, rather than what he wanted for himself. He would be at Dartmouth trying to fit in right now.

Brian grabbed his bag and headed out the door. He had a long drive ahead of him with plenty of time to think. He would try to figure out how to handle Justin when he got there. And he wanted some answers.

First Year Residence - Dartmouth

Justin had returned from dinner and was lying on his bed in his room. He was trying to read an economics book. It had to be the most boring thing he had ever read.

His mind kept wandering to the fact that it was Friday night. If he was back in Pittsburgh, back with Brian, the two of them would have had takeout and would be getting ready to go to Woody's and then Babylon. Justin sighed remembering how he had wanted to do something more romantic than that. Well, he had for a couple of weeks, and now look where he was in the romance department … alone in his dorm room at Dartmouth with a boring book and his right hand. He groaned and closed the book letting it drop to the floor.

He closed his eyes and saw Brian's face once again. He couldn't help but smile. Brian looked hot in a black wifebeater and black jeans that covered his slim body just right. Justin mentally added Brian's black leather jacket. He sniffed, smelling the scent of the leather and of Brian. He felt his cock start to harden and he slid his hand inside his jeans.

He had just started to stroke himself when someone pounded on his door … hard. Justin jumped and pulled his hand out of his pants. "Fuck!" he muttered as he tried to get his breath. Who could be at the door?

Justin adjusted himself as he stood up. He reached for the door knob and opened the door. A young man and two girls stood outside his door.

"Hi," the young man said. "I'm Ric and this is Sandy and Dolores."

"Hi," Justin replied.

"We're just down the hall," Ric continued. "Would you like to come for a beer and pizza with us?"

"Um…" Justin began. He didn't want to be part of this heterosexual group, although something about Ric told him that he might not be so very heterosexual.

"Come on, you look like you could use some company," Ric smiled.

"Yeah, come with us," Sandy said.

"Um, okay, I'm Justin," Justin stammered.

"Nice to meet you, Justin," Dolores smiled at him.

Justin wondered what Dolores was after. If she was looking at him as a potential date, she was sure barking up the wrong tree. "Let me get my shoes on and my jacket."

The trio stood in the door waiting as Justin put on his runners and his jacket. He grabbed his keys and wallet and joined them in the hall.

"You're new, aren't you?" Dolores asked as she linked her arm through Justin's.

"Yeah, I just started this week."

"What were you doing before? We don't get many people coming in at this time of year."

"I … I was at PIFA."

"What's PIFA?"

"Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Art."

"Are you an artist?" Dolores asked with a big smile. "I love art."

"I was an artist, but now I'm a business major," Justin said unable to keep the sadness out of his voice.

"Is that such a bad thing?" Dolores asked as they exited the building.

"Maybe not," Justin said hoping that these new friends might help him fit in at Dartmouth. Although he liked being alone, he was beginning to find the campus so far away from home a big, lonely place.

Dartmouth

It was dark and cold by the time Brian pulled the Jeep onto the campus of Dartmouth. He had used his cell phone on the drive to try to find out where Justin might be at the university. He was refused information when he called the Student Records Department. They had transferred him several times and each successive person he spoke to made him feel like he had made a big mistake in undertaking this trip. No one would give him any information about Justin.

The last person he had talked to was some woman who said that if Justin was in first year, he would probably be in the First Year Residence. She sounded like she was talking to some blithering idiot who didn't know how to find his way out of a wet paper bag. The exasperation in the woman's voice made Brian want to tell her where she could fucking go, but he bit his tongue and asked politely how he might find that building. The woman had informed him that any student on the campus could direct him. Brian had hung up feeling a little better.

He edged the Jeep over to the side of the street where he saw a couple of what looked like students walking. He stopped under a streetlamp and rolled down the passenger window.

"Excuse me," Brian called. "Can you tell me where I can find the First Year Residence?"

One of the young men walked over to the Jeep and leaned in the window. He gave Brian a big grin and Brian felt his gaydar pinging. "I'd be happy to help. Want me to ride with you over there?"

"No thanks," Brian said with a little shake of his head. "I'd appreciate some directions though."

"Your loss," the guy said. "See that tall building over there? That's the one you want."

"Thanks," Brian said. He started to roll up the window.

"You sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"I'm sure."

The young man shrugged and turned away.

"Ah, university life," Brian said to himself as he put the Jeep in gear and headed in the direction of the building that had been indicated.

He pulled into the parking lot of what was clearly labeled First Year Residence. He looked at the building wondering if Justin was inside and what he might be doing. After a minute he got out of the Jeep and headed to the front door of the building.

As soon as he stepped inside he saw the guard sitting at a desk. The man looked up.

"Can I help you, sir?"

"Um, I'm here to see my brother, Justin Taylor. How do I find out if he's in?" Brian asked.

"I'll call his room," the guard said and punched in some numbers after looking down a list of what Brian assumed were all the residents of the building. "There's no answer," the guard told him.

"Could I wait in his room?" Brian asked.

"That's not allowed. You'll have to wait until he returns."

"Okay," Brian said with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He walked back outside and climbed into the Jeep.

He would wait.

Outside the First Year Residence

Brian had just turned off the Jeep. He was running it every few minutes to keep warm. He wondered what the fuck he was doing sitting in his car freezing his nuts off waiting for a blond who probably didn't want to see him. Brian glanced up as he saw a group of students approaching. He recognized the blond head immediately.

The man and two girls with Justin were laughing and obviously joking with each other. One of the girls had her arm linked through Justin's. She leaned against Justin at every opportunity and was obviously hanging on his every word.

Brian felt his stomach do a flip. Justin seemed happy, not at all lost or distraught like Brian had thought he would be. Brian stared at the group realizing that Justin had made the decision to leave Pittsburgh and come to Dartmouth. He had chosen to be there. Maybe that was what he really wanted. It looked like Justin was happy with that decision. He was fitting right in.

At that moment Brian knew he had made a big mistake in coming there. He reached for the key to start the Jeep. Before he turned it, he looked back at Justin one last time. Their eyes met for a fraction of a second.

"Guys, I see a friend of mine. I need to go speak to him," Justin said to his new friends. He ran across the lot towards the Jeep.

Brian saw him coming, saw the smile on his face and so he stepped out of the Jeep.

"Brian," Justin called as he ran towards him. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you."

Reunion ... of Sorts  

First Year Residence - Dartmouth

Justin looked at Brian dressed in a black wifebeater and black jeans with his leather jacket on top. It was just like the vision he had seen in his head. He took a tentative step forward and he was in Brian's arms and they were kissing in the way that only they could.

When their lips finally parted Justin was hanging on Brian's neck. He looked up into the hazel eyes flecked with gold. He could see the desire there even in the dim light of the parking lot. He buried his face in Brian's chest smelling the leather and cigarettes … and Brian. He felt like he could die happy now that he had had this moment of intense memory.

"Hey," Brian said giving Justin a little shake. "Are you okay?"

"Um, yeah, yeah, fine. What are you doing here?" Justin asked as he reluctantly stepped back and released Brian from the hold he had had him in.

"I came for that kiss, and it was worth the trip," Brian said sticking his tongue in his cheek.

"Um, do you want to come up to my room?"

"That would be nice," Brian smirked.

"Let's go," Justin said grabbing Brian's hand. He turned to see Ric, Dolores and Sandy watching them and grinning. "I know him," Justin called to them and then laughed at how silly that sounded.

"We figured that out," Ric called back before they disappeared inside.

Brian grabbed his bag from the Jeep and locked the door. "I told the guard I was your brother," Brian said as they started for the door of the residence.

Justin dropped Brian's hand. "Then I guess we better act like brothers, not like…" Justin didn't finish that statement, because he had no idea what they were or if they were anything at all.

Brian signed in at the desk and they made their way up to Justin's room. Once inside with the door closed, Justin kicked off his shoes and threw his jacket on the chair. He turned to face Brian.

"Why did you come here? I never thought I would see you again," Justin said softly. He had never planned to have contact with Brian, but now that the man was here, he couldn't take his eyes off him. His hands longed to touch Brian and his lips burned with the memory of the kiss in the parking lot. "How did you find me?"

"I phoned your mother when nobody seemed to know where you were … after you took your things from the loft," Brian said gently.

"I don't think my mother was supposed to tell you where I am."

"I caught her off guard. When I called, she said you were en route to Dartmouth as we spoke."

"You called that soon?" Justin asked. He couldn't help the little smile that curled his lips. Brian had been thinking about him.

"I want you to tell me why you went to your father and … made some kind of deal with him," Brian said.

"What choice did I have? I knew as soon as I went with Ethan that it was the wrong move. Where else could I go? I have no skills," Justin said sadly.

"You could have gone to Debbie."

Justin felt his heart sink. Obviously Brian wasn't offering to take him back. And he didn't want to be taken in again like a child that needed to be fed and clothed and schooled. That was his father's job, and he was going to let his father do that from now on. "I couldn't go to Debbie's, not with the way things are between me and Michael. I wouldn't put her in the middle of that."

"Why didn't you come to me?" Brian whispered. It was almost more than he was willing to say, but he had to know.

"You would have felt sorry for me or guilty and taken me back, but neither of us would have been happy. We would have gone back to what we were doing before … and look how that turned out. I couldn't live like that anymore with following you around to the baths and Babylon … and all the tricks." Justin shook his head.

"I thought you were all right with that. I thought you liked it," Brian said defensively.

"I tried to. I really did, but it's not for me. I thought Ethan offered what I was longing for, but I quickly realized that he wasn't what I wanted either. I wanted you, but I wanted more from you than you were prepared to give me. More than you would ever give me, as you so eloquently told me."

"Eloquently?" Brian asked with that funny little grin.

"Maybe not so eloquently, but you made it crystal clear that you didn't love me the way I love you … and that you never would. I couldn't stand seeing you fuck guys in our bed and flaunt your trips to the backroom. It hurt too much and I didn't like what I was becoming. So now I'm trying this." Justin tried to smile and look positive.

"You don't have to stay here. You can come back and go to PIFA again," Brian said.

"No, I can't. I made a promise to my father that I would stay at Dartmouth. I'm breaking part of my promise by talking to you right now."

"Just what does this promise entail?"

"The usual - don't flaunt my disgusting lifestyle, do well at Dartmouth and…"

"Never see me again."

Justin nodded. "Same stuff he said that day you tried to take me back home."

"Nothing changes," Brian muttered.

"Well, I've changed. I know what I have to do. I may not like it, but I'll live with it."

Brian didn't like the sound of resignation in Justin's voice. He was giving up who he was both as an artist and a man to try to conform to his father's wishes. "It's a big mistake to deny who you are."

"It'll just be another mistake in the long list of mistakes I've made. Who cares?" Justin said and let his shoulders sag.

Brian didn't like the sound of this Justin, no, not at all. "Where's the strong and tenacious Justin Taylor?" Brian asked. "Where's the man who stalked me, the man who stood up to Chris Hobbs?"

"He got hit in the head with a baseball bat. That should have knocked some sense into me. It should have shown me that I was on the wrong path. I was fooling myself thinking that we were going to live happily ever after. I was a naïve little faggot and I refuse to be that anymore. Nobody cared when I was alone. Nobody cared that I was out on the street with nowhere to go. Nobody is going to take care of me, so I have to do that for myself. That's why I'm here. I know now what I have to do."

Justin felt the tears well up as he realized the truth of his words. Nobody really did care about him. He buried his face in his hands as he slumped to the bed.

"It's not your fault. I pushed you away. I never meant for things to get so out of hand. I thought I was doing what was best." Brian sat down beside Justin and pulled the young man against him. He kissed the blond head as he held the young man.

Justin leaned into Brian. There was no place better to be than in those strong arms. He let himself savor the feel of it knowing it would be the last time it would happen.

After a minute or two Justin raised his head to find Brian looking down at him. Justin arched up and captured Brian's lips. That was all it took. The kiss went on and on as they yanked at each others clothes, feeling a need that could not be denied. When they were both naked they slid back onto the bed with Brian sprawled atop his young lover.

"Justin," he whispered.

"I want you," Justin replied as he levered his hips up and forced their hard cocks together.

Brian reached down for his jeans and found a condom. "Put it on me," he whispered and Justin smiled at the memory of their first time as he rolled it along Brian's length.

Brian hiked Justin's legs up onto his shoulders and positioned his cock at Justin's hole. He leaned in and kissed the young student using his tongue to taste every part of the willing mouth. Then he pushed his way inside the velvet heat that was Justin Taylor.

Once embedded, Brian held back watching Justin's face. He saw the pain of his entry and then the pleasure of being filled and now a look of impatience as he waited for Brian to begin.

"Ah, youth," Brian said as he leaned in for another kiss. Then he started thrusting as they quickly found the familiar rhythm that worked so well for them. Justin savored each stroke as he pushed his hips up to meet the thrust. Nobody could fuck him like Brian. He wondered for a fleeting second why he had even considered going with Ethan Gold. He had been such a fool.

"Brian," Justin moaned as the heat between them grew exponentially. Justin felt like his body was on fire and he might burst into flame at any moment.

"Hang on a bit longer," Brian demanded as his thrusts took on new speed. And then the world around them exploded in broken shards of light and everything spun out of control.

Some moments later Brian rolled away and disposed of the condom. As he turned back Justin pulled him against his body. They held each other until sleep took them. There was no further need for talk, at least not that night.

First Year Residence - Security Desk

Andy MacPherson watched his nighttime counterpart walk out the door of the residence. He sat down at the security desk and idly looked over the list of people who had signed in during the night. Immediately his eye went to Justin Taylor's name and the name listed beside it - Brian Kinney.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a business card. He picked up the phone and dialed the number on the card.

"Craig Taylor," a voice replied.

"This is Andy MacPherson, the security guard at Dartmouth. You left your card with me."

"Yes, I remember," Craig replied. "Do you have some information for me?"

"I just came on duty and noticed that your son signed in Brian Kinney last night."

"Fuck!" Craig reacted. "Thanks for letting me know. I'll see that you get the bonus we discussed."

"Any time, Mr. Taylor," Andy said before hanging up the phone. A little extra money always came in handy.

First Year Residence - Justin's Room

Justin awoke with a start. He looked around his room now filled with light. The alarm clock said it was just after eight a.m. He let his focus drift to Brian's sleeping face.

They had fucked all night with little bouts of sleep thrown in. But every time one of them woke, they would start all over again. Justin shifted a bit. His ass was sore and he wasn't sure he would be able to sit down without a pillow, but it had been worth it.

Justin studied Brian's face. He wondered why Brian had never been able to tell him that he loved him. The obvious answer was because Brian didn't love him. Justin swallowed the lump in his throat and continued to stare at Brian. He was the handsomest man, and a great lover, and he had a really big heart when he wasn't being an absolute asshole.

And there was the rub. Brian's big heart had been what had made the man take Justin in after the bashing. He had felt sorry for Justin and had wanted to help. But that wasn't love. That was something else entirely. Justin realized that he should have been smart enough to have figured that out, but he had always hoped that Brian would learn to love him. That had been his delusion. Brian obviously had another agenda entirely. It didn't include love and relationships … and love.

Brian pretended to sleep but he was thinking about what he had done to Justin, forcing him to go with Ethan by the actions that he had taken. He wondered how he could have misjudged things so badly. He should have known better.

Justin thought of all the things he had promised himself and Brian since they had first met. And then it had been Justin who had broken all the rules. That seemed to be the only thing he was really good at anymore - breaking rules and promises. He had been the one who cheated and fucked someone else, and kissed him and stayed out past the curfew. Brian had not done anything that he had said he would not do. Justin sighed as he realized that lying in this bed with Brian, he was breaking his promises to his father too. He was such a fuck-up.

Brian turned and opened his eyes. He looked into the troubled blue ones of Justin. "Are you ready to come home with me?" he asked and held his breath waiting for the answer.

No Going Back  

First Year Residence - Justin's Room

Brian waited to hear the answer to his question. The long pause did not bode well. Brian hadn't exactly expected Justin to leap into his arms and scream with delight, but he thought the young man would welcome the chance to get out from under his father's thumb, and get back to the life that he had been living before Ethan. Hadn't their night together proven that?

"Are you ready to come home?" Brian repeated.

"Home? This is as close to a home as I'm going to have for the next while," Justin said with bitterness in his voice.

"I mean the loft."

"The loft is your home, not mine, Brian. How many times have you kicked me out of it, because it's your place and you were pissed with me? It's not my home, never really was."

Brian flinched. Justin was right. He had kicked the kid out many times, aside from the fact that he never wanted to let him in in the first place. "I asked you to live with me that night in Babylon."

"And why was that?" Justin asked.

Brian frowned. "What do you mean … because I wanted you to."

Justin snorted. "Because Debbie told you to."

"How did you know that?"

"Debbie doesn't exactly have the tightest lips on Liberty Avenue."

"Fuck!" Brian reacted.

"I know you took me back after the bashing because my mother begged you to. You never really wanted me there. It took me long enough to get with the program, but I finally understand that it's your place, your life, and I don't really belong in it."

"That's not true," Brian said trying to figure out where all this was coming from. "I just asked you now."

"Yeah, because you feel sorry for me again. Poor little Justin is giving up his art and his quest to be the best homosexual he can be."

"Whatever happened to that quest?" Brian asked with a little smirk. Maybe he could jolly Justin into seeing reason.

"A baseball bat happened to it. It skewed my vision for a while, but I finally understand. You want to live your life your way, and now I'm going to live mine my way."

"Your father's way, don't you mean?" Brian asked with a scowl.

"Maybe it is for now, but it's what I have to do."

"You don't have to, Justin. You can come back with me and start again at PIFA. You can live with me at the loft."

"And you'll pay for everything and I'll be the poor child that Brian's helping and fucking on the side."

"That's not what you'd be."

"That's what I am in the eyes of your friends. They think I take advantage of you, and I guess they're right. I have."

"You haven't taken advantage of me, Justin. I did what I wanted to do where you were concerned," Brian stated.

"Thanks for saying that, but it's not really true. You would never have taken me in without feeling sorry for me. My father, my mother, Debbie, Daphne, they all put pressure on you to look after me. It wasn't all the same kind of pressure, but they made you feel responsible for me. Well, now I want to be responsible for myself."

"Don't you mean responsible to your father?" Brian asked with another scowl. He hated to even mention that man, and he couldn't understand Justin's willingness to put himself back under his father's influence.

"Whatever, it is what it is. I'm here and I'll get a degree in business."

"But what about your art?"

"I'm taking a studio course. It's not bad. They have a great museum too. I'll get the business degree with a minor in art."

"That's not the same as a degree from PIFA," Brian replied. "You're an artist. You should study art."

"I'll always be an artist, and I'll always be gay. My father can't change either of those things, even though he may think he can."

Brian shook his head. "What about Rage?" he asked grasping at straws.

"You mean the comic you pissed all over because we messed up your loft?" Justin stressed the word "your".

Brian looked at the floor. That had not been one of his finer moments. "You and Michael have a chance to make some serious money off it."

"I will never work with Michael again," Justin said vehemently.

"But it could be profitable. You both could use the money."

"What the fuck good is money when we can't stand each other? Michael thinks I betrayed you, and he's right. I did. He went tattling to you and never even asked me what was going on. He doesn't give me a chance, I'm not prepared to give him one. Rage is over. If Michael wants to continue it, he can find another artist."

"But it's yours too. You're JT."

"If Michael wants to continue Rage, he's welcome to it, but he'll have to write JT out. I don't want to be associated with it at all."

"What about the money that comes in?" Brian asked. He hated the thought of Justin getting nothing out of all his hard work.

"You take it, Brian. I owe you so much." Brian shook his head. "Or put it in trust for Gus. Yeah, that's what you should do. It will be a thank you to Lindsay and Mel for all they did for me too."

"That will take some legal papers."

"Get Mel to do them and then send them to my father's office. He'll see that I get them."

"Justin…"

"No, Brian, it's what I want to do."

Brian took a deep breath. "I still think you should come back to Pittsburgh. It's where you belong."

Justin gave a thready, slightly hysterical laugh. "Don't you get it, Brian? I don't belong anywhere anymore. I don't belong with you. I can't work with Michael. I thought he was my friend, but he turned out to be something else altogether. Everybody else is your friend and they don't care what happens to me. I have to look after myself and this is how I'm going to do it."

Brian stared at his lover. "What's happened to you, Justin? You sound like someone I don't even know."

"Maybe you never really knew me. I'm not sure I knew you either."

"Don't say that."

"Why, because it hurts? Well, I've been hurt too. What do you think I felt when I found you fucking some guy in our bed? It hurt like hell, but I put up with it. I thought you might change … for me. But it was all a fucking pipe dream. I understand that now."

"It doesn't have to be this way."

"Are you saying you'll change? I want someone to love me, Brian. That's why I went with Ethan. I thought for a while that he would love only me, that he could be everything that I wanted, but I soon figured out that that was all a pipe dream too. You know you won't change. You won't be monogamous. You won't give up tricking. Will you?"

Brian stared at the floor. He wasn't prepared to do either of those things. He couldn't look at Justin.

"See, I know where things stand, and it's okay. I'm okay. I'll be fine here. I have a chance to make things up with my father. I made him promises and I'm going to try to keep them. This is something I can do."

"Why do you want to get in your father's good books? Look at how he's treated you," Brian said.

"Maybe I can make it right this time. You need to go back to Pittsburgh. I'm staying here."

Brian looked into Justin's eyes. "You mean that, don't you?" Justin nodded. "There's nothing I can say to persuade you?"

Justin felt the tears well up. He wanted so much to walk into Brian's arms and then ride with him back to Pittsburgh, but he couldn't do that. "You … you've been very generous to me, Brian, but it's time I stand on my own feet. I'm not going back." Justin turned and looked out the window. "It's time I honor the deal I made with my father. It's one thing I have a chance to do right. I'm not going to let him down, like I have let people down so many other times."

"What are you talking about? Who have you let down?"

"You, Michael, your friends. Did you see how everyone looked at me when I left Babylon with Ethan? Even my mother was disappointed in me."

"I orchestrated some of that. It wasn't all your fault."

"So what? I made the decision to go with Ethan. I have to live with the consequences, and that's what I'm trying to do."

Brian shook his head. He didn't know what else to say. "I guess I should get ready to head back." He climbed out of the bed, grabbed his bag and went into the bathroom to brush his teeth. All the while he cleaned up he tried to think of a way to persuade Justin to return with him.

Justin fought back tears while he waited for Brian to wash up. He so wanted to give in to his feelings and tell Brian that he wanted to go back to Pittsburgh with him. But he knew in his heart that the right thing was to stay at Dartmouth.

Brian came out of the bathroom. "Are you sure you won't come with me?"

"I can't. I've screwed up so many times. I owe this to my father. I'm staying here."

Brian shook his head in resignation. "If that's what you want."

Justin bit back the words that were screaming in his throat waiting to be set free. 'Brian, I want you so much. I'm coming with you. I'd go anywhere with you. I love you.' But none of those words escaped. "It's what I want," Justin said.

Brian walked over to Justin and put his arms around him. "Take care of yourself."

"I will, and you do the same. Oh, and tell Mel to draw up those papers about Rage. I want Gus to have something from me. Give him a kiss from me."

Brian nodded. "I will."

He picked up his bag and opened the door. He glanced at Justin before walking through it and closing the door firmly behind him. He had said everything he was capable of saying, and it hadn't been enough. There was nothing left but to go home, to his loft, to his big, empty loft.

Justin watched the door close behind Brian and he knew that that phase of his life was over. He would never see Brian again. He had promised his father that, and he would keep that promise. He was glad that Brian had taken the time to come after him. He would have the memory of their night together to get him through the years at Dartmouth.

Brian signed out at the security desk in the lobby and headed for his Jeep. He didn't look up at the building. He wondered if Justin might be watching from the window of his room, but what difference would that make anyway? He climbed into the Jeep and pointed it towards Pittsburgh.

 

Andy MacPherson was already on the telephone. He placed the call as soon as Brian Kinney left the building.

Getting On With It  

First Year Residence: Dartmouth

Justin's arms ached for Brian, as soon as the man's footsteps faded down the hallway.  He had done the right thing, he told himself. He had to let Brian go. He was through with his old life, with taking advantage of Brian's generosity, with fooling himself that Brian could ever love him the way he wanted him to.

He sighed and lay down on the bed.  It still smelled of Brian and their fucking.  And it was fucking, not love making. He was sure of that.  Brian didn't love him, didn't love anybody, except maybe Gus.  Justin had given him a chance to say otherwise, but like always, he had refused to say the words that Justin wanted to hear, needed to hear.  He had refused because he didn't love him, never had, never would. It was time to face reality and move on. Dartmouth was his new start and he would make the most of it.

He got up from the bed and went into the bathroom.  He started the shower. He was almost sorry to get in under the water and wash off the last remnants of Brian Kinney.  He would never see the man again. He knew there were a few tears running down his face along with the rivulets of water from the shower.

He headed off to breakfast.  As he left the dorm, the security guard, Andy, said, "Did your 'brother' get away all right?"

"Yes … yes," Justin stumbled.  "He left awhile ago. Didn't you see him?"  Justin wondered why this guy was asking about Brian.  Brian would have had to sign out, so he knew he was gone.

"I saw him.  Tall fellow!"

"Yeah," Justin agreed.  He quickly left the dorm.

He grabbed some breakfast in the cafeteria and went to the library.  He had a business assignment due next week and he thought he better get working on it.  A couple of his classes were business related and he suffered through them. He was sure he could do the assignments and pass these courses.  He just wished he didn't find them so boring. He hoped he would gradually get interested in finance and entrepreneurial pursuits. He almost laughed out loud at that thought.

The English and Psychology courses were okay and the art course wasn't bad, not as challenging as PIFA, but he enjoyed the assignments so far, and could really let his imagination and creativity flow.

He sighed and picked up the assignment sheet.  He better get started, because he knew he would have trouble concentrating on any assignment today, especially a business one.  

On the road to Pittsburgh

Brian drove in a daze.  He wasn't really paying attention to the route, but he was on an Interstate, so how could he go wrong.  How could he go wrong? He snorted and twisted his neck in all directions, trying to relieve some of the tension he felt building there.

He had really fucked up this time.  He had been so sure Justin would leap at the chance to come back home.  The loft was Justin's home, despite what he had said. The place wasn't the same since Justin had lived there and left.  It didn't feel like home to Brian anymore, without the boy being there.

What had happened to Justin?  He seemed so resigned to his life at Dartmouth.  Where had the fight in him gone? Brian knew he had hurt Justin by forcing him to choose Ethan, but he had thought it was the right thing to do once he had found out about them fucking.  Had Justin lost his sense of himself? It seemed like he was willing to allow his father to dictate what he could or could not do, and even what he could or could not be. That was so fucked!

He had to think this through rationally.  He knew no argument would convince Justin to come back and pursue his art career.  He was going to have to use every ounce of creativity that he could draw upon to come up with a plan.  He knew in his gut that Justin would never be happy as a business major, denying the very essence of who he was.  He had to find a way to make Justin realize that.

He had about six more hours of thinking and driving before he got back to Pittsburgh.  He hoped by then he could come up with something.

Dartmouth

Justin returned to the residence around dinner time.  The night guard was on, so he didn't get the third degree that he had gotten in the morning.  He quickly went up to his room.

As he flopped onto the bed there was a knock on the door.  He opened it to see Ric, one of the people he had gone out with the previous night.  Ric was the one who he strongly suspected was gay.

"Hi," Justin said.

"Hi.  Are you going to dinner?"

"I guess," Justin said, not sure he wanted company right now.

"I was going to go over to Emilio's and get a pizza.  Want to share?"

"Sure," Justin decided, not liking the prospects of spending the evening alone with thoughts of Brian and what they had done last night.

The Road Approaching Pittsburgh

Brian was tired.  He was sick of sitting in the car.  He was sick of trying to think of a plan to get Justin back to Pittsburgh.  He was sick of everything. He had made such a mess of it all, and he still had no idea how to fix it.  His head felt like it was ready to explode.

He turned off the Interstate and headed into the suburbs of Pittsburgh.  He needed to talk to Lindsay. She knew Justin about as well as any of them, and she understood the artistic temperament.  Maybe she could give him some idea of what he should do. That was, if she didn't tell him to fuck off because he had created this mess in the first place.

As he pulled up to the home of the munchers, it was already dark, but he thought maybe Gus would still be up.  He needed to have Gus' unconditional love right now. He hoped he could stand the questions and recriminations from Lindsay.  If only she would talk to him without Melanie being present. Fat chance!

Dartmouth

Justin and Ric neared the first year residence.  Justin had enjoyed Ric's company. He had a good sense of humor, and they had laughed a lot over their pizza.  That had been exactly what Justin had needed to take his mind off Brian. They had had a couple of beers and Justin had a mini buzz going.  He felt like he just might survive all of this.

Ric had just finished telling him a joke.  It wasn't all that funny, but he laughed anyway.  Ric put his arm around Justin's shoulder and leaned into him.  Justin stiffened.

"Ric, I don't think this is a good idea right now," he said.

"You're gay, aren't you?  You have to be, after that kiss we witnessed last night."

"That … that was somebody I used to know.  We're through. He left this morning, and I'll probably never see him again."

"Then what's the problem.  If he's gone, what about us?"  He leaned even closer, his mouth ready to claim Justin's.

"Don't!" Justin said.  "I…I can't." He pushed Ric away.

"Okay, okay," Ric said.  "I'm sorry. I won't push.  It's just that I like you … a lot.  I thought maybe you liked me too."

"I do.  I'm just not ready to get involved in anything right now."

"Who said anything about being involved?  I thought we could have a bit of fun together."

"I…I don't know," Justin said wavering a bit.

"How about a kiss and we'll leave it at that for now?  You looked like you were a great kisser, with that other guy."

"I've been told that I'm pretty good," Justin joked.  He kind of liked the idea of kissing Ric. He had luscious looking lips.

Justin stepped closer to Ric, and suddenly he was in a hot embrace, his mouth welded to Ric's.  He felt Ric's mouth open and their tongue's dueled. Ric's hand slid under Justin's jacket and ran over his butt.  Justin pulled back when he felt that. "Just a kiss!" he reminded the young man.

Ric groaned, but loosened his hold on Justin.  "That was some kiss!" he said, still holding Justin around the waist.

 

"Justin!" a voice bellowed at him.  Justin froze. He jumped back out of Ric's embrace.  He turned his head, already knowing what he would see, the irate face of his father.

Bottoming Out

Dartmouth

"Justin!" a voice bellowed at him.  Justin froze. He jumped back out of Ric's embrace.  He turned his head, already knowing what he would see, the irate face of his father.

"Dad!" Justin gasped.  He felt like someone had punched him in the gut.  "What…what are you doing here?"

"I thought we had a deal, Justin, but I should have known better.  You disgust me!"

Ric looked bewildered.  He didn't know what to do or say.  "Justin?" he asked.

"It's all right, Ric," Justin said with a sigh.  "Go on in. I'll maybe talk to you later."

Ric beat a hasty retreat and Justin turned back to his father to face the anger he could feel radiating off him.

"Can we talk inside?" Justin asked in a defeated voice.

"You want to talk in private, but you flaunt your disgusting habits in public!" his father shrieked at him.

"Please," Justin begged feeling tears welling up.

"Get inside!" Craig ordered, not really wanting their dirty laundry aired in public.

Craig trailed Justin up to his room.  He slammed the door closed behind them, and rounded on his son.  "What the fuck do you think you are pulling?" he screamed at Justin.  "You come to me and make all these promises, and within a week you've broken every fucking one of them!"

Justin felt the tears begin to course down his cheeks.  How could he answer that? His father was right. He had promised to never see Brian Kinney again, and he had.  He had promised not to flaunt his disgusting lifestyle, and his father had just seen him kissing another man in public.  He had promised to give up his art, and he was studying business, but his art was the only thing that was really important to him.

"Well?" His father demanded an explanation.

"I don't know what to say," Justin said in a small voice.

"If you think I'm going to support you and pay for your schooling while you sneak around with that asshole, Kinney, and God knows how many others, you are fucking nuts.  I'm through! I wash my hands of you once and for all."

"I'm…sorry…Dad," Justin choked out between sobs.  "I meant to keep my promises. I tried."

"That's what you call trying.  No wonder you are a colossal failure as a man!"

Justin felt the last ounce of fight drain out of him.  That was it. He gave up. He thought he had hit rock bottom when he went to his father before, but now he had plumbed new depths of despair.  He was a failure, a failure at everything he tried. He couldn't keep one fucking promise. He could have stopped Brian from coming in. He could have stopped himself from kissing Ric.  He had good intentions, but everyone knows that the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. That's where he was now – Hell!

He slumped down onto the bed, pulled his legs up to his chest and cried.  He didn't care that his father was watching him. He didn't care about anything.  All he wanted to do was die, and he prayed that that would happen soon. He just wanted this misery to end.

"Justin?" he heard his father say, as if from far away.

He ignored the noise and continued to cry.  It didn't matter if he answered his father. Nothing mattered anymore.  He was finished.

Pittsburgh – The Munchers' House

Brian had spent a few minutes with Gus.  He always felt better when Gus' little arms were around his neck.  It was already Gus' bedtime, so all too soon Lindsay had asked Melanie to take Gus for his bath and put him to bed.  Brian was sorry to see Gus go, but he knew Lindsay had done that so the two of them could talk, and he was grateful for that.

"So, are you ready to tell me why you're here?" Lindsay asked.

"I saw Justin," Brian said simply.

"What?  Where?"

"He's at Dartmouth, studying business."

"No!  Why?"

"It's a long story," Brian began.

"I've got lots of time."

Brian sighed.  He told Lindsay about Justin leaving Ethan and going to his father.  He briefly recounted his trip to Hanover, including how worried he was about Justin.  The boy had renounced everything to get his father's help. He had refused to come back to Pittsburgh or to take any help from Brian.  "He seemed like someone I hardly know, someone who has given up," Brian ended.

"So what are you going to do about it?" Lindsay asked.

Brian shook his head.  "That's why I'm here. I tried to come up with a plan to get Justin back here.  I thought about it all the way home, but I couldn't come up with anything. I was hoping you might be able to help me."

"You could tell him you love him."

Brian snorted.  "He doesn't want to hear that.  Besides, I don't think he would believe me.  He thinks I've just been taking pity on him, that I feel guilty for him getting bashed.  He thinks he let everybody down by betraying me with Ethan."

Lindsay noted that Brian hadn't denied that he loved Justin, but she decided she better not pursue that.  Brian would probably deny it anyway, or tell her to fuck off. "He might believe you if you weren't fucking everything that moved, and doing it right in front of him."

"Look, Lindsay, that may be true, but he can't know any of that if he is in Hanover and I'm here."

"You're right.  So what would get him back here?"

"I can only think of two things.  He might come back if his mother asked him or if something was wrong with Gus."

"You want me to lie to Justin about Gus?  I don't think so, Brian."

"So that leaves Jennifer."

"Do you think she might help you?"

"She told me where Justin was.  She doesn't have a lot of use for her ex-husband, so she might."

"Then it sounds like you have answered your own question.  You need to talk to Jennifer."

"I was afraid that you were going to tell me that."

"I guess it all hinges on how much you care for Justin and want to help him," Lindsay said, looking Brian in the eye.  "If you get him back here, you better be ready to make some changes to keep him here."

Brian groaned.  He knew she was right.  He wanted Justin back, the old Justin, not the broken man he had found at Dartmouth.  What was he willing to do to have that happen? He stood up and gave Lindsay a kiss. He was going to find out.

Dartmouth

Justin didn't know how long he had been curled up in a fetal position crying his heart out.  Suddenly he felt someone take his arm and roll him over onto his back. He opened his eyes and looked at his father.

"Why are you still here?" Justin asked.  "Leave me alone."

"Are you going to stop crying?" his father asked with what sounded like concern in his voice.

"What do you care?  You said you were through with me."

"I thought I was, but I can't leave you like this."

"Why not?  It doesn't matter any more."

"Why did you do it?  Why did you let Kinney come here?" his father asked.

"I didn't know he was coming.  He just showed up," Justin said, wiping his eyes.  "I made him go back to Pittsburgh."

"After he spent the night with you!" his father couldn't help declaring.

"How … how do you know that?"

"Never mind that now.  I want to know why you did it.  Have you debased yourself to the extent that you can refuse him nothing?  Do you have no self respect left?"

Justin looked at his father.  He could try to explain, but his father didn't want to hear it.  He could lie, but what was the point? He said, "I guess so, Dad."

Craig stared at his son.  He wanted to restore the son he loved, but he didn't know how.  This Justin was a creature he didn't understand and didn't want to understand.  "Jesus, Justin, how did things come to this?"

"I'm to blame.  You should never have trusted me.  I can't do anything right."

"Don't talk like that.  I thought you wanted to make a fresh start."

"I did, but I fucked it all up," Justin sighed.

"If I gave you one more chance, and I mean if, would you be able to keep our bargain?'

Justin couldn't believe his ears.  He hadn't expected another chance. "I would try even harder," Justin promised.  "I swear I would."

Craig gathered his son into his arms.  "Then we have a deal. But know that this is your last chance.  Do you understand?"

 

"Yes, Dad."  Justin allowed Craig to hug him.  He thought maybe his father still loved him on some level, but it didn't really matter.  He would go through the motions and stay alive, but he might as well be dead. He would never see Brian again, and now he couldn't see anyone else either.  Everyone would think Craig had done a good thing, looking after his wayward son. Justin knew there was nothing good about their bargain. He had wished he was dead earlier, but this might be worse.  He'd be walking around like he was alive, but he'd be dead inside. That was what he deserved. He had nothing better to look forward to.

Choices and Outcomes

Dartmouth

Justin's father had left about a half hour ago.  He was going to stay in a hotel and head back to Pittsburgh in the morning.  He had given his son one more chance, one more chance to make something of himself, one more chance to reject his disgusting lifestyle and one more chance to put that fucking Brian Kinney out of his life forever.

Justin lay on his bed, mulling over all the things his father had demanded once again, all the things he had agreed to once again.

He truly had not expected another chance.  He was sure his father was going to tell him to pack his shit and get out of the residence.  He thought he would be sitting on a park bench somewhere instead of here in his nice, warm room that suddenly felt as cold as ice.  Cold, just like his insides. The last promise he had made to his father had drained all feeling from him. He was empty and he had nothing to fill him up.

He wondered why he had agreed to everything.  He should have told his father to fuck off. Then he could have gone out and stood in front of a bus.  But that would have been too easy, and he never took the easy way out. The same thing that had made him fight his way back from the coma, made him refuse to die now.  Death would have been so much easier, so much more welcome than what awaited him. Chris Hobbs should have finished him off when he had the chance. Justin saw ahead of him three years of living in isolation, three years of loneliness, three years of nothingness.  Only to be followed by the rest of his miserable life.

Pittsburgh - The Loft

Brian had barely slept since he returned from Hanover.  He kept replaying his encounter with Justin, wondering if he could have done or said anything that would have made the young man come home with him.  He still wasn't ready to tell Justin that he loved him. He didn't know if he'd ever be able to say that to anyone, because he didn't know what that meant.

He did care about Justin, more than he had ever cared about anyone before, but he didn't know if that meant love.  Love was some mysterious thing that straight people and lesbians declared to each other, usually just before they screwed everything up and hurt each other.  He did know that he was very worried about Justin, about his attitude and his resignation to this way of life that his father demanded of him.

He would call Jennifer in an hour or two, as soon as he figured out what he could say that might get her to help him.  If she wouldn't help he didn't know what he was going to do.

He got up from the bed and went into the shower.  He had to think about this a little more. He had to say the right things to Jennifer. He just had to.

Dartmouth

Justin heard pounding.  He rolled over and listened.  Someone was knocking on his door.  He pulled the pillow over his head and hoped whoever it was would go away.  He didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone.

The knocking continued.  He groaned and reached over to open the door.

"Go away!" he said and slammed the door shut.

"Justin!" Ric called.  "Justin! Please, open the door.  I'm worried about you."

"Fuck!" Justin muttered.  "Go away!" he repeated.

"I'm not leaving until you talk to me.  I need to know that you're all right."

Justin groaned again.  How was he supposed to keep his promises when nobody would leave him alone to live his fucking miserable life in peace?

Justin stood up.  His mouth was dry from all the crying he had done and his head throbbed with a dull ache.  He pulled the door open. "Come in!" he ordered. This was the last thing he wanted to do.

Ric stepped into the room and turned to face Justin.  "Are you all right? I waited all night to hear from you, but you never came to tell me what happened with your father."

"I'm still alive, and I'm still here," Justin said.

"You look awful.  What happened?"

"I don't want to get into it.  I'm fine. You can go," Justin dismissed him.

"Justin?"  Ric wanted an explanation.

"There's nothing more to say," Justin said.

"But I thought you'd want to talk.  Maybe I can help."

"You can help by leaving, and don't come back," Justin said, determined to cut all ties with anyone who might make his father angry.

"But…but…" Ric sputtered.

"I can't see you again.  I don't want to see you again."  Justin opened the door and Ric walked out.  He turned to look at Justin to see if he could get an explanation of this weird behavior.  Justin quietly shut the door in his face.

Justin sighed.  That was what he was going to have to do – shut the door in the face of everyone and everything that he wanted and loved.  Then he would be able to keep his promises. Then he would be totally alone. Then his father would be pleased.

Pittsburgh

Brian picked up the phone for the third time.  He had to call Jennifer if he wanted to get Justin back to Pittsburgh and the life he deserved.  He had started dialing twice before, but had hung up before he finished, still not sure what to say.

This time he finished dialing the number and held his breath while he waited to see if she would answer.

"Hello," he heard Jennifer say.

"Jennifer?  It's … It's Brian Kinney."

"Oh?" Jennifer said, obviously surprised to hear from him again.  "Is something wrong?"

"Yes," he said.  "Something's wrong with Justin."

"What do you mean?  What's happened?" she asked with a hint of panic in her voice.

"He's not hurt …physically," Brian clarified.

"Thank God!"

"But I'm really worried about him."

"Why?"

"I went to Hanover when you told me where he was.  I asked him to come back to Pittsburgh and go to PIFA.  He wouldn't listen. He refused to come back."

"Brian, he made the choice to go there.  He doesn't want to come back."

"Have you talked to him?"

"Not since the day he went there with his father.  He made his own decision, Brian."

"I know he did, but I don't think he felt he had any other choice, and he does have other choices."

"Brian, just because he refused to come back when you asked him, doesn't mean that there's something wrong."

"He sounded so defeated, so demoralized," Brian tried to explain.

"Are you sure that isn't your ego talking, because he turned you down?"

'Shit!' Brian thought. 'This isn't going the way I hoped it would.'  He scrambled to think of something else to convince her. "Jennifer, would you do me a favor and call him?  Just talk to him and you'll see what I mean."

Jennifer sighed.  "I don't really want to get in the middle of this.  Justin asked his father to help him and I don't want to interfere."

"This is your son's life we're talking about, for Christ's sake!"  Brian couldn't believe his ears.

"Brian … I … I'll call him, but I'm not going to try to influence him."

"Okay, but you'll see what I mean when you talk to him.  Call me afterwards."

"All right," She said and hung up.

Brian slammed down the receiver.  Everything hinged on how Justin would sound when he talked to his mother.  If she didn't want to hear the desperation in his voice, then she probably wouldn't.  "Fuck!" he said. What was he going to do now?

Back and Forth

Dartmouth

Justin heard his cell phone ring, but he wasn't sure he wanted to answer it.  He had made the decision to cut himself off from everyone and everything. He was going to live his solitary life and survive.  That was the best he could hope for.

"Hello," he finally answered, when the phone refused to stop ringing.

"Honey, it's Mom."

"Hi, Mom," Justin replied.

"How are you?" Jennifer asked.

"I'm fine."

"How are your courses?"

"Fine."

"Um … Are you enjoying yourself at Dartmouth?  You like it all right, don't you?"

"Sure."  Justin almost laughed out loud.  Now he understood why Brian used that word when he didn't want to commit to anything.  It was another non-emotional thing that Brian had shown him. He could put it to good use now.

"Justin," his mother said, bringing his attention back to the phone call.  "I want you to tell me what's going on."

"What do you mean?"  Justin wondered if his father had told her about what had happened.

"I talked to Brian and he's worried about you."

"Oh."  Justin mulled this over.  Why would Brian be worried?  He had sent him away and told him he would be all right.

"Is that all you have to say?" his mother asked, getting exasperated with his lack of communication.

"Why are you and Brian talking?  You never liked him," Justin said.

"He called me after he came to see you.  He thinks you should come back to Pittsburgh."

"I don't care what he thinks.  He pushed me away, and I'm staying away.  Don't mention his name to me anymore."

"Sure, Honey," Jennifer said.  "You're sure you're all right?"

"Yes."

"Okay then, I'll let you go.  Call me if you need anything or if you want to talk."

"Sure," and he hung up.

Justin thought about his mother's words.  What did he need? He needed something to live for, something to get excited about, something to desire and have passion for.  But he wasn't going to get any of those things from his mother. He wasn't going to get them from his father, from Dartmouth or from anywhere else.  He wasn't allowed to have passion or desire. They were no longer a part of his life.

He wondered why Brian had bothered to call his mother.  He knew they didn't like each other. Brian was too controlling.  He needed to let this go, just like he had let him go at the Rage party.

Pittsburgh

Brian's phone rang.  He grabbed it immediately.  "Hello," he said.

"Brian, it's Jennifer.  I talked to Justin."

"Good.  What did he say?"

"Not much of anything.  He said he's fine and his schoolwork is okay.  I didn't hear anything to worry about."

Brian wanted to scream at her, ask her if she was really listening or just hearing what she wanted to hear.  "Did you think he sounded like himself?" Brian asked.

"He … he sounded a little subdued.  He's got a lot of new stuff to deal with."

"Jennifer, he's not subdued.  He's depressed!"

"Oh, I don't think so.  He sounded … fine." She used the word Justin had repeated to her several times.

Brian knew he was getting nowhere fast.  "Thanks for calling him," he said.

"No problem.  I … I'm sure he'll be fine.  He's getting on with his life," she said, with the obvious meaning that implied

"Getting on with his life without me," Brian made sure to emphasize.  He hung up. There was no point in continuing. Jennifer didn't want to face what Justin was going through.  She was hoping that he was fine, and that he would start a new life away from Brian. He wasn't going to get any help from that source.  He sighed and leaned back against the arm of the couch.

He was absolutely sure that Justin was miserable, but he was equally sure that the boy would never admit it.  He had made his proverbial bed, and he was going to lie in it. The only problem was that Brian felt responsible for the situation that Justin found himself in.  Brian had pushed him out, not to get rid of him, but to give him new experiences that would make him want to come back. Instead, Justin had begun to doubt his own worth.  He thought nobody wanted him, except his prick of a father. He thought in some fucked up way that he deserved what had happened to him.

"I've got to come up with another plan," Brian said to himself.  "There must be a way to get through to him." If only he could figure out what it was.

Dartmouth

Justin was still thinking about his mother's phone call.  He hoped he had convinced her that he was fine. Then she would leave him alone.  Everybody needed to leave him alone.

He flopped down on the bed.  He should probably go to the library and do some more work on the economics assignment.  He couldn't think of a worse way to spend a Sunday afternoon, but that was the new reality of his life.  He had a lot more of these Sunday afternoons to look forward to, to dread.

He made himself get up off the bed.  It would be easier to just go to sleep and forget about everything.  He forced himself to go to the desk and find the notes he had started on the economics assignment.  As he rifled through the clutter on his desk, his eyes kept returning to his sketchbook. Finally he picked it up and flipped through it.  Little pieces of his life came to mind as he looked at each sketch.

Without conscious thought his fingers reached for a pencil.  He flipped past a few more sketches to a blank page. He sank down on the bed, stuck the pillows behind his back, and started to draw.

A couple of hours later, he smiled and surveyed his work.  It was Brian standing beside his Jeep, just as Justin had seen him two nights ago.  He gently touched Brian's face, smudging the pencil marks to get just the right shading on Brian's chiseled jaw.  This was the only way he would ever see Brian from now on. He had that image emblazoned into his brain, but he would never see the real thing again.

 

He closed his sketchbook and sighed.  He had closed that chapter of his life.  He wouldn't draw Brian again. What would be the point?

Planting the Seeds  

                                                                   

Pittsburgh

It had been a week since Brian had made his ill-fated trip to Hanover to visit Justin.  He had spent the week trying to get Vance off his back. He was working fifteen hour days, sometimes more, and that was not enough to suit Vance.  Brian knew he wasn't happy having Brian as a partner and he knew if he fucked up Vance would do his best to get rid of him.

He thought about Justin a lot.  Jennifer had been no help in getting Justin back, and he was at a loss how to proceed.  He had told Lindsay that only two things would get Justin back to Pittsburgh, his mother and Gus.  Lindsay had refused to make up any story using Gus that might bring Justin back and Jennifer didn’t believe there was anything wrong with Justin.  Therefore, she wouldn't help him.

Being Saturday night, Brian decided he was going to Babylon.  He needed to get blown, maybe even find some decent trick to bring back to the loft.  His quota of sex was way below par. He would do something about that tonight.

Brian arrived at Babylon just after eleven.  He had gotten a great idea for a new ad campaign, and he felt he deserved this night out and all the sex he could find.  He headed immediately to the back room. There were a lot of the usuals, but no one interesting. He was about to leave when a young blond left a group and stared blatantly at him.  Brian felt his cock twitch in response.

He gave a quick jerk of his head and the man was at his side immediately.  His hand reached for Brian's package. Brian groaned. He needed this. The man squeezed his hardening cock and opened Brian's shirt.  Brian pushed on the man's shoulders, forcing him to his knees and wanting him to get on with it. He didn't need any foreplay. The blond unbuttoned Brian's jeans and pulled out his growing hard-on.  He began licking and sucking the pulsing rod. The guy wasn't much of an expert at blowjobs, but Brian was very ready to get off. Within a minute or two Brian felt his orgasm building, and then he was coming and coming into the guy's mouth.  He groaned and relaxed as the man milked him dry.

As soon as he was done he shoved his dick back into his pants and went out to the dance floor of Babylon.  He didn't even look back at the guy who had just serviced him.

He found Emmett and Michael by the bar.  "And where are your little wives?" he asked sarcastically.

"Teddy's at work and Ben had a function at the university," Emmett explained.

"We saw you come out of the backroom," Michael said.

"So?"  Brian didn't have to explain himself to anyone.

"You haven't been around all week," Michael griped.

"I do work, Mikey, despite the popular belief that someone just gives me money for no fucking reason!" Brian stated.

"I just meant that we haven't seen much of you," Michael tried to explain.

Brian didn't want to listen to whining or guilt trips from his best friend.  "Are you still working on Rage?" Brian asked.

"Kind of."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"I have some ideas for the next issue, but I can't find anyone who draws the same way as Justin did."

"Have you been looking?"

"I put up some notices at PIFA and a couple of people replied, but their work looks really different.  It wouldn't be the same."

"What about asking Justin to work on it again?" Brian asked.

"No fucking way!  That little cheater doesn't want anything to do with me, and I don't want anything to do with him."  Michael was adamant. "Besides nobody even knows where he is."

"I do."

"You do?  Since when?"

"He's at Dartmouth studying business."

"No fucking way!" Emmett said, having taken all of this in.

"How do you know, Brian?" Michael asked.

"Let's just say I know."

"Then why are you suggesting that we work on Rage when he isn't even in Pittsburgh?"

The kernel of an idea was beginning to form in Brian's mind, but a lot of it would hinge on Michael's attitude towards Justin.  "Are you willing to let Rage be a one shot wonder?" he asked Michael.

"I don't think I have much choice about it, if I can't find anyone to draw it," Michael admitted.

"Would you work with Justin if he agreed to do it?"

Michael grimaced.  "I don't know."

"Mikey, what did he do to you?" Brian asked bluntly.

"It's what he did to you that I can't stand."

"If I can live with it, why can't you?"

"I don't know," Michael said again.

"It seems stupid to let Rage die when it started off so well.  You both could use the money," Emmett said reasonably.

Michael looked at him, not wanting to admit that he was right.  "He'd never work with me again," Michael said lamely.

"I know," Brian said.  "He wants to give his share of Rage to Gus and have you kill off JT if you continue the comic."

"How….how do you know that?" Michael asked.

"Justin told me."

"You talked to him?"

"Yes."

"Brian, what is this all about?  You keep suggesting that I work with Justin, then you tell me all the reasons that it will never happen."

"I wanted to see if you had any interest in it happening."

"Well, I don't!" Michael stated.  "I hope I never see him again."

"Fine," Brian said.

"That's it?  Fine? What the fuck are you trying to pull?"

"Forget it, Mikey.  Pretend I never mentioned it."  Brian prayed Michael's natural curiosity would get the better of him.  He had planted the seed, now he hoped to harvest the fruit.

Michael stared at his friend.  He didn't want to work with Justin, but he did want the comic to succeed, even more than he wanted the money from it.  "Brian, tell me what's going on," he asked his longtime friend.

"Only if you will listen with an open mind, and hear me all the way through."

"Okay," Michael said, not sure what he was getting into.

"Let's go to the loft where we can talk.  You too, Emmett," Brian said, hoping Emmett would be a voice of reason.  

Dartmouth

Justin sat in his room.  It was Saturday night and he was all alone.  The group from last weekend had asked him to go out with them, but he had refused.  He noticed that Ric wasn't part of the group. He knew he had treated the guy abominably, but that couldn't be helped.  He couldn't be around Ric or any other gay guy.

He could go down and watch TV in the common room, but he didn't really want to.  He didn't really want to do anything. What was the point?

He thought back to spending Saturday nights at Woody's and Babylon.  He'd never do that again. He had grown to hate going to those places and cruising for tricks to bring back to the loft.  He only did it to please Brian, and that still hadn't been enough for him. Their relationship, if you could call the fucking dysfunctional time they spent together a relationship, had been a disaster for both of them.  Brian had lost his freedom and a lot of money and Justin had lost his self-respect. Now he had even less self-respect. He had traded it all away for a place to live and the price of tuition.

Justin lay down on the bed.  He didn't cry. He didn't think he had any tears left after that scene with his father.  He closed his eyes. Sleep would come soon. That was all he had the strength for most of the time.  Sleep.

Pittsburgh

Brian refused to say any more about Justin while he drove the two men to the loft.  He got them each a beer and they sat in the living room.

"I want you to hear me out without saying anything," Brian started.

Both men nodded.

Brian began the story.  He told them about Justin going to his father and the promises he had to make in order to get his father's help.  Michael was about to protest when Brian gave him a look that shut his mouth in a hurry. Brian told them about his trip to Hanover and the defeated boy he had found there.  He conveyed his worries about Justin's state of mind and about his future. Both men listened intently.

When Brian stopped talking, Emmett said, "Poor, Sunshine."

"That's just it, Emmett, he isn't Sunshine anymore.  You'd hardly recognize him. I doubt that he has smiled since that night at Babylon.

They all knew what night Brian meant.

"I don't see what this has to do with me, Brian," Michael said.

Brian sighed.  "I want to give Justin back his life.  I know he's not happy at Dartmouth, but he'll stick it out because he thinks he has no other choice.  I know only too well how stubborn he can be. To do that I need to get him back to Pittsburgh and show him that he can have another life here.  I need your help to do that, Michael."

Michael shook his head.  "I don't know."

"I want him back!" Brian said emphatically.

"You should help him, Michael.  Nobody should have to deny who they are.  Remember how unhappy you were when you worked at the Big Q and pretended you weren't gay," Emmett reminded him.

Michael grimaced.  "Okay," he said, "but I don't know what I can do."

 

"I'm going to tell you," Brian said.  He began to describe the plan he had devised at Babylon.  He prayed it would work.

Arrangements by Rage  

Pittsburgh

Brian went to see Melanie on Sunday morning.  He wasn't looking forward to asking her for help, but it had to be done, if his plan to get Justin back to Pittsburgh had any hope of working.

He rang the bell and waited.  When the door opened, Gus stood there smiling at him.

"Daddy!" Gus grinned.

Brian picked him up and gave him a kiss.  "And how are you this fine morning, Sonny Boy?" Brian asked with a touch of the Irish in his voice.

"Good," Gus giggled as Brian blew on his neck.

"You seem to be in a better mood," Lindsay observed.  She had her coat on and held Gus' coat in her hand.

"Are you going out?" Brian asked.

"I'm taking Gus for a walk while you and Mel talk."

"Maybe, you should be here," Brian said, hoping her support would sway Melanie towards helping him.

"You said it was legal business when you called, so I'll take Gus out of your hair, until you're done."

Brian didn't know how to argue with that.  She took Gus from him and put on his coat. They were out the door and gone before either Brian or Gus could protest.  Brian sucked in a breath and went into the living room. He could see Melanie working at the dining room table.

"Mel," he said.

"Just a minute," she replied, apparently reading some papers.

'She's going to love every minute of this,' Brian thought.  "Sure," he replied.

Melanie made him wait several minutes, and then she told him to sit down at the table.  She gave him a self-satisfied look. "So what can I do for you?"

Brian began his explanation of how he hoped to get Justin back to Pittsburgh.  Melanie already knew his worries about Justin, having been filled in by Lindsay.  He explained Justin's wishes about the Rage comic. When he was done, Melanie said, "So you want me to come up with a document for Justin to sign that would give his share of Rage to Gus?"

"Yes," Brian said.

"How is this going to get him back here?  He can just have the papers faxed, sign them and that's the end of it."

"I know.  That's what he wants to have happen, but I want you to throw in a clause about a face to face meeting with Michael to work out the final details.  You can tell Justin that Michael won't sign off unless that happens."

"What does Michael say about all this?"

"He's agreed to it."

"Christ!  How do you always get people to do your bidding?"

"You think Justin's doing my fucking bidding?  I'm trying to save his goddamn life. I'm battling with everything I can muster."

"Are you sure that he's in that much trouble?" Melanie asked.

"I'm fucking positive!  If you saw him, you'd know it too."

"Okay," Melanie said.  "I'll fax a preliminary contract to him with a rider about the meeting with Michael.  We'll make it about the killing off of JT. I'll say that Michael will refuse to do that unless he discusses it with Justin face to face.  I'll ask him to call me and set something up."

"Good."

"What if he wants Michael to go to Dartmouth?"

"We have to get him here, Mel.  If he brings that up, say that Michael can't leave the store, or whatever the fuck it takes to get him here."

"Okay, okay," Melanie said.  "I'll do my best."

"Thanks," Brian said.

"I have just one more question for you?"

"Yeah?  What's that?"

"Once you get him here, how are you going to keep him here?"

"I'm working on that."

"Which means…?"

"I don't have a final answer.  I'll tell you more when I know he's coming here," Brian said, wishing that his plan did have a more definite outcome.  It was pretty nebulous, and it hinged on so many people and the things they might say to Justin. He didn't know whether it would be enough or not.

"Okay, I'll start on the paperwork tomorrow.  He wants it sent through his father's office, right?" Melanie asked.

"Yes…" Brian started to say.  "Shit! If his father sees the request for him to come here, he might not even pass it on to Justin.  Is there some other way to get the papers to him?"

"I guess I could fax the university and have them call him in to pick them up.  I'll look into it."

"Thanks," Brian said and he got up to leave.

"I hope this works, Brian," Melanie said.  "If Justin's in the shape you described to Lindsay, he needs help."

"I know.  It has to work," Brian said as he put on his coat.  

Dartmouth

Justin had been at Dartmouth for a little over two weeks.  His life had fallen into a dull routine. He went to class alone.  He ate in the cafeteria alone. He stayed in his room alone. Occasionally he went to the library or the art gallery, alone, of course.

He was doing all right in his courses.  He had lots of time to work on assignments, because he had no life other than doing that.  He managed to get through each day, especially if he didn't allow his mind to wander to the things he couldn't do and the things he couldn't have.  It was always easier when he slept. And he slept a lot. That was his only release.

Sometimes he had the best dreams, of Brian and making love.  He couldn't control his dreams, but he was always glad when they were of Brian.  He loved that face, that body, those lips. Often when he awoke he had ejaculated in his bed, but he had lots of time to do laundry, and the dreams were always worth it.  Other times he would awaken with an aching hard-on and have to jerk off. That was okay too, because he could picture Brian's face and feel Brian's mouth on his cock as he jacked himself off.

He didn't hate his life.  He had given up demanding emotions like hate and anger and regret.  He was still working on giving up love, but he thought he could probably do that too.  He'd never experience it again, except in his dreams.

Pittsburgh

Brian had one more visit to make.  This one might be the hardest. He stopped outside Jennifer's condo.  With a sigh he got out of the Jeep and walked up to the front door. He rang the bell.

"Brian!" Jennifer gasped when she opened the door.  "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you.  May I come in?"

"I…I guess so."

'Ever the proper hostess!' Brian thought.  'At least that got me through the front door.'  He removed his coat and Jennifer motioned for him to sit down.

"So what brings you here?" she asked pleasantly.

"I have a request," Brian said.

"Oh?"

"I'm trying to set up a meeting with Justin here in Pittsburgh," Brian began.

"Brian, I told you I don't want to interfere…"

"I'm doing this with or without your help, so please listen to me.  Then you can make your decision."

"All…right," she said rather tentatively.

Brian once again described his plan and her potential role in it.  She was quiet until he finished.

"I don't think this is a good idea.  Justin has made his decision."

Brian sighed.  "He made his decision based on faulty information.  That's what I want to correct. Once he knows the real facts he may choose a different path."

"I…I don't know."

"Jennifer," Brian said calmly, "he's in trouble.  He's drowning there at Dartmouth. I know it. I feel it."

"But he sounded all right on the phone."

"Mom, stop lying to yourself and to Brian!"

"Molly!  Have you been eavesdropping?"

"Yes, I have!" Molly said defiantly.  "You know that Justin hardly talks to us when we call.  He never laughs or jokes around. He never calls me Mollusk!" Molly ended with a catch in her voice.

'Out of the mouths of babes!' Brian thought.  "See, Jennifer, Molly can hear the depression in his voice and in his words!"

Jennifer shook her head.  "Have I been fooling myself?" she whispered.

"Mom, we have to help Justin.  Please!"

"Okay," Jennifer said, straightening her back.  "I'll go along with this. Let me know when you set it up."

"Good," Brian said, standing up.

"I want to help too," Molly stated.

 

"You just did, kiddo!" Brian said.

Hard Decisions  

Dartmouth

Justin was on his way out of the residence to his first class of the day.

"Hey, Taylor!" Andy McPherson called to him before he could open the door to leave the building.

Justin turned to look at him.  He didn't like the security guard.  He had asked too many questions about Brian, and then his father had known all about Brian's visit.  There was likely only one way his father could have found out, and Justin was looking at him. "Yeah?" he asked.

"There's a message for you," Andy said, handing him a piece of paper.

"Thanks," he said, taking the paper.  He left the building to read it outside.  It was a note, probably in Andy's handwriting.  It said that there were some papers for him at administration.  The name of the person he should see was written below. Justin wondered what papers these would be, but he decided he better get to his first class.  He could find out what this was all about later.

Security Desk – First Year residence

Andy McPherson picked up the phone and dialed Craig Taylor's number.

"Mr. Taylor," he said, "your son just received a message to pick up some papers at administration."

"What papers?" Craig asked.

"I don't know.  I just took the message for your son.  They didn't say what the papers were about."

"Okay, Andy, I'll look into it.  Thanks for keeping me informed."

"No problem, Mr. Taylor."  Taylor's money made it no problem at all.  

Administration Building – Dartmouth

Justin arrived at administration just before lunch.  He asked for the person whose name was on the note. Angela came over to the counter.

"Hi," Justin said, "I'm Justin Taylor.  I had a message that you had some papers for me."

"That's right.  I'll get them." She turned back to her desk, rifled around and handed him several pages.  "These came in over the fax this morning," she said.

Justin was puzzled.  Who would be faxing him?  He took the papers and went out the door.  There was a fountain in the lobby and he sat on the edge to read the papers.  He quickly realized they were from Melanie and were about his wish to turn his share of Rage over to Gus.  He wondered why she had sent them to the university and not to his father as he had told Brian.

He quickly skimmed through the pages.  It seemed to be exactly what he had told Brian.  That was good. This would be over quickly and another chapter of his former life would be closed and finished.  As he flipped to the last page, he frowned. "What the fuck?" he whispered.

The last page was handwritten by Melanie, requesting Justin to call her.  According to Melanie, Michael wanted a face to face meeting about the demise of JT or else he wouldn't agree to kill him off.

Justin grimaced.  The last thing he wanted to do was meet with Michael.  He wanted to be done with the whole Rage fiasco, but he certainly wasn't going to see Michael.  He probably wanted to tear another strip off him for betraying Brian. "Shit!" he said out loud.  "Why can't they just let me alone?"

Pittsburgh – Melanie Marcus' Office

"Yes?" Melanie answered her phone.

"Melanie?" Justin said.

"Justin, is that you?" she asked.  "It's good to hear your voice."

"Sure," Justin replied.  "I got your message and the papers, but I'm not going to see Michael."

"Um … Michael was pretty clear that he wouldn't kill off JT unless you talk to him face to face," Melanie explained.

"Then just forget the whole thing," Justin sighed.

"What?  Wait, Justin, I thought you wanted to get this all settled.  Brian said you were clear about what you wanted to have happen."

"I am, but meeting with Michael wasn't part of it."

"But you can't settle anything until Michael agrees.  You are partners in the venture."

"We never signed an agreement," Justin said.

"That's even more of a problem," Melanie lied.  "If Michael wants to continue using JT as a character, you can't stop him."  She heard Justin sigh.

"Is he continuing with Rage?  Has he got another artist?" Justin asked.

"I guess so," Melanie said.  She was really winging it now.

"Shit!  I don't want to be associated with any of it anymore," Justin sighed again.

"Are you all right, Sweetie?" she asked.

"Sure," Justin replied.

"You sound funny.  Not like yourself."

"I'm fine, but I don't want to deal with this."

"Then come to Pittsburgh and meet with Michael.  He told me he doesn't hold a grudge. He just wants to settle the Rage issue face to face."

"I don't know," Justin wavered.  He sighed again.

"Justin, it would be best to get it all worked out as soon as possible."

"I guess you're right.  I'll think about it and get back to you."

"Good," Melanie said.  "Don't wait too long. Let's get this finished."

"I'll call you tomorrow," Justin said and hung up.

Nothing was ever easy.  He couldn't fathom why Michael would want to see him.  He needed to call his mother and see if he could come there for a day or two and get this mess straightened out.  He didn't want his father to know anything about this.

Pittsburgh – Craig Taylor's Office

Craig slammed down the receiver.  He had just finished talking to some bitch named Angela who worked in administration at Dartmouth.  Andy had remembered her name, and he had managed to get her on the phone. The problem was she couldn't or wouldn't tell him what the papers for Justin were.

He decided to call Justin and put him on the spot.  He couldn't think of any reason Justin should be getting papers faxed to him.  He wanted to know what the hell the kid was up to now.

He dialed Justin's number.

"Hello," Justin answered, surprised that anyone would be calling him during the day.  Only his mother and father had the number.

"Justin," his father began.  "How are your classes?"

"Fine," Justin replied, wondering why his father was checking up on him again.

"I understand that you received some papers today," his father stated.

'Shit!' Justin thought.  'That goddamn Andy!' He took a breath and said, "How do you know I got papers today?"

"I have my ways, and you haven't answered my question."

Justin tried to think of a good lie.  Then he decided most of the truth would do just as well.  "They were legal papers to end my affiliation with Rage and turn over any profits to Gus Marcus-Peterson."

"I thought we agreed to have any paperwork go through my office?"

"We did, and that's what I asked them to do.  Somehow Melanie Marcus sent the papers here. I'm just going to sign them and send them back to her.  That will be the end of it."

"Okay," Craig said.  He would have liked to see those papers, but he didn't think Justin could make up a story like that so quickly.  It must be the truth. "Justin, I'm glad you're severing another tie with your unsavory past. Sign those papers and send them back right away."

"Sure, Dad," Justin said and hung up.

He would have to be very careful.  He now knew for sure that Andy was spying on him for his father.  Could his life be any more fucked up? Maybe he should forget about giving his share to Gus, just wash his hands of the whole thing.  He loved Gus. He had been there the night he was born, and he felt that he and Gus had a special bond. He wanted to do something for the little boy.  Maybe Gus would remember him long after everyone else had forgotten him.

Falling into Place  

Pittsburgh – Brian's Loft

Brian sat on the couch thinking through everything he had done.  He had spent the last week talking to all the people involved and arranging every contingency that he could think of.

Justin had called Melanie and agreed to meet with her and Michael on Saturday, the day after tomorrow.  He would catch a bus after his last class on Friday and his mother would meet him at the bus station. Saturday morning she would bring him to Melanie and Lindsay's house to meet with Michael.

Brian was pleasantly surprised at everyone's eagerness to help.  The most reluctant had been Jennifer, and Molly had finally made her wake up to what was going on with Justin.  Everybody else had agreed to Brian's plan, almost without question. Even Michael was on board.

Brian sighed.  He wished they didn't have to do this.  If all these people had shown some concern about Justin after the Rage party, none of this would be necessary now.  Brian shook his head. Who was he kidding? There was no point in trying to blame the others, because it was all his fault.  He had crushed Justin at the Rage party, forced him to go with Ethan, destroyed his sense of worth. That had been the beginning of Justin's slide into depression, and there was only one person responsible for that, him!

He finished his mental check list of things he had done.  He couldn't think of anything else. He hoped that it would be enough to turn Justin around.  He wanted Justin to be the Sunshine he knew and… He still couldn't complete that statement, even in his head.  He wondered if he would be able to on Saturday.

All he could do now was wait.  

Dartmouth – First Year Residence

Justin crammed some clothes into his backpack.  He knew he couldn't take his suitcase because Andy would be sure to report that to his father.  His father couldn't know about this trip to Pittsburgh. He'd flip out. Even if it was just Michael he was meeting with, his father would see that as falling back into his old habits.

He wanted this all to be over.  He had made it clear to Melanie that he would only speak with Michael.  No one else was to know he was there, except Gus and Lindsay. He longed to hug Gus one more time, one last time.  Brian was not to know that he was in Pittsburgh. Melanie had arranged everything for him.

Justin shouldered his backpack and headed down to his next class.  He would catch a cab right after that class, and that would get him to the bus terminal in time for his bus to Pittsburgh.  Justin grinned at the irony. His father was keeping him under such tight control that Justin had almost every penny his father had given him for spending money.  He had nothing to spend it on. He never went out or drank or bought anything. Thus, his father was financing his trip to Pittsburgh.

As Justin passed the security desk where Andy McPherson was stationed, he heard the man call his name.  He froze.

"Yes?" he said turning around.

"You're loaded down today, aren't you?" Andy asked, pointing to Justin's backpack.

"A bit," Justin replied.  "I have to go to the library after my last class.  I've got lots of books to return and a lot more to take out."

"Have a good day," Andy said, pleasantly, and he allowed Justin to escape.  'Poor Kid!' Andy thought. 'He sure doesn't have much of a life. I'm glad I never had a father like his.'

Justin rushed through the door of the residence.  He let out the breath he had been holding. He wanted to look back and make sure Andy wasn't picking up the phone to call his father, but he didn't dare.  He thought he had escaped and he didn't want to arouse any suspicion in the security guard. He hoped he was home free.

He began walking toward the lecture hall.  He realized after a minute or two that he felt better than he had in days.  He was looking forward to going to Pittsburgh. He wanted to see his mother and Molly and Gus.  Michael he could have done without. He wished someone else would be there, but that could never be.  

Pittsburgh – Brian's Loft

Brian had worked late on Friday, trying to keep his mind off of what was to happen Saturday morning.  He finished up his take-out and debated going to Babylon. He could use a little anonymous sex to relieve some of the tension he was feeling.  As he cleaned up his dishes, the front door buzzer rang.

"Yeah?" he said as he pushed the intercom button.

"Brian, it's me," Michael said.  "I need to talk to you. Can I come up?"

"What's wrong?" Brian asked, worried that something had gone wrong with their plan.

"Just let me in and I'll tell you."

Brian buzzed him up and opened the door to the loft.  When the elevator came into sight, Brian caught the strained look on Michael's face.

"What's going on?" Brian asked.

"I just had a fight with Ben," Michael said.

"What about?"

"Justin."

"What do you mean?"

"I tried to run through with him what I'm going to say to Justin tomorrow.  He told me that I couldn't convince a hungry dog to eat Alpo," Michael said.

Brian chuckled.  Ben had quite a way with words.  "What was wrong with what you were saying?"

"He said I didn't sound sincere."

"And are you?"

Michael made a face.  "You know I think Justin was to blame for what happened.  I can't pretend that he didn't screw around behind your back."

Brian felt his teeth clench.  When was Michael going to get over this?  They had to be ready for tomorrow. "Michael, you are going to have to believe what you say or Justin will see right through you.  You said you could do this for me and for him. Are you backing out?"

"I don't want to, but I'm not sure I can mean it."

"We've been over this time and again.  Justin was not the only one at fault. It took two of us to screw things up."

"But I tattled on him.  He'll never let me forget that."

"Oh, so now I get it.  You think you're going to be blamed, so you're going to lay the guilt trip on Justin, and then you don't have to face your part in this."

"Brian?"  Michael couldn't stand what his best friend had just said to him.

"Am I right?" Brian demanded with no sympathy.

"No…yes…kind of.  I know I should have talked to Justin before I told you, and I'm sorry I didn't, but it's too late to fix that now."

"That's exactly what you need to tell him, Mikey.  I believe that you're sorry for where it led. I'm sorry.  Everybody's fucking sorry!"

"But he won't believe me.  He thinks I deliberately tried to turn you against him."

"Did you?" Brian asked.  This was no time for pussyfooting around.

"Maybe.  I thought I really got to know Justin while we worked on Rage.  I thought he was a great kid. Then he pulled this crap with Ethan and I hated him.  It seemed like all the good things I had begun to think about him were lies. He was just a manipulating little fuck taking advantage of you and Mom and me."

"So now we get to the truth," Brian sighed.  "Do you still think that?"

"I try not to."

"That's why Ben said you didn't sound sincere, because deep down you still believe Justin manipulated us all, used us and screwed around behind our backs.  Right?"

"I guess so," Michael admitted, somewhat defiantly.

"So my question to you is, have you ever covered up things you've done to protect yourself and buy time?  Have you ever lied to protect yourself? Have you ever wanted things you couldn't have?"

"Yes," Michael said softly, thinking about all the years he had wanted Brian, about all the lies he had told at the Big Q.

"Then remember that when you are talking to Justin tomorrow."

Michael looked forlornly at his friend.  "I'll try," he said honestly, "but I don't think he'll believe me."

"All you can do is try, Michael.  Nobody can ask more." Brian reached over and pulled his friend into a warm hug.  "It's going to work. It has to."

Intervention  

Pittsburgh – Melanie and Lindsay's House

Justin got out of his mother's car in front of the munchers' house.  He looked at the building remembering the meals he had had there with Brian, the birthday party for Gus when he had started to remember the bashing, the times he had slept there when Brian had been an absolute ass.

"I'll be back to pick you up later," Jennifer said and drove off.

Molly waved to him from the car.  He had missed his sister, even though he made sure he didn't tell her that.  He had been really glad to see both her and his mother when they picked him up at the bus terminal last night.  He hadn't realized how lonely he had been until they had hugged him. He had removed himself from all human contact, especially intimate contact, ever since that kiss with Ric.  It felt good to have someone touch him even for a moment. That would all end as soon as he went back to Dartmouth.

Justin grimaced, squared his shoulders and walked up the steps to the front door.  He hoped Michael wasn't there yet. Then he could have a little time with Gus, before he had to face his soon to be ex-partner in Rage.

He rang the bell.  Lindsay opened the door and said, "Justin!" in that breathy and genuine voice of hers.  He couldn't help but smile. "There's someone here who's been waiting for you to arrive," she added.

Justin froze.  It couldn't be Brian.  He couldn't face him. Just then Gus looked around his mother's leg and said, "Hi, Jussin!"

"There's my buddy!" Justin exclaimed, relieved that it was Gus who was waiting to see him.  "Have you got a hug for me?"

Justin bent down and found his arms full of little boy.  Gus clung to his neck and Justin held his little body against his chest.  He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, but he didn't care. This felt too good.  He didn't want to fight his emotions anymore. He just wanted to feel.

Lindsay stood and watched.  She saw the tears roll down Justin's face.  Gus looked at the young man and tried to wipe the tears away.  "Jussin," he said, "I love you. Don't cry."

Justin let the tears roll on.  He hugged Gus like his life depended on it.  "I love you too," he said. "I've missed you so much."

Gus kissed him and a few tears started down the little boy's cheeks as well.  When Justin realized how he was affecting Gus, he stood up straighter and wiped his eyes.  "We're silly, Gus," he said. "Crying over nothing." He gave Gus another kiss and set him down, but took his hand, not wanting to lose total contact.  "Sorry about that, Lindsay. I should know better."

"That's okay," she said.  "We've all missed you." She wrapped her arms around him and kissed his cheek.  She felt Justin pull back a bit, then relax and return her hug. "It's so good to see you again.  Come on in. Let me take your jacket."

Justin released Gus' hand just long enough to slip out of his coat.  Then his fingers quickly grasped the tiny hand again, feeling like it was an anchor for all the emotions running through him.

All of a sudden Melanie was there, hugging him tight and telling him it was about time that he came to see them.  They had missed him.

Justin hadn't expected such a warm welcome.  These were Brian's friends, the mothers of Brian's child and he had hurt Brian, betrayed him.  How could they welcome him back?

"Don't you ever take off like that again without telling us where you are!" Melanie said in that blunt way of hers.

Justin was floored.  They seemed to be genuinely glad to see him and concerned that he was all right.  "I didn't think any of Brian's friends would want anything to do with me after I went with Ethan," Justin said sadly.

"Well, you were wrong!" Melanie stated.  "We all know Brian can be such an asshole.  Nobody assumed it was all your fault."

"But it was!" Justin protested.

"Justin, the day Brian is blameless in a situation is the day we'll all be eating popsicles in Hell."  This was from Lindsay, Brian's friend. "Don't try to take all the credit for what happened."

"Credit?" Justin asked.

"I'm kidding.  But let's not talk about blame," Lindsay said.

Justin had sat down on the sofa and Gus was in the process of climbing up on him.  He set the boy on his lap and loosely wrapped his arms around the tiny waist. Gus leaned against him.

"So how's Dartmouth?" Melanie asked.

"Fine."

"Do you like your courses?"

"Sure."

"Justin, you don't seem very happy," Melanie said bluntly.  Lindsay gave her a knowing look.

"I'm fine," Justin replied, pulling Gus a little closer.  His face, and especially his eyes, said otherwise.

The two women exchanged looks.  Lindsay said, "Would you like some coffee or a soda?"

Justin shook his head.

"Michael should be here any time now," Melanie stated.  "Lindsay, why don't you put on a pot of coffee anyway, and I'll get all the papers organized.  You don't mind keeping Gus company for a few minutes, do you, Justin?"

"That's fine," Justin said.  "Isn't it, Gus?"

Gus nodded.  Lindsay and Melanie went out to the kitchen.  Melanie whispered, " What is with this 'I'm fine', 'Everything's fine' shit?"

"Brian was right.  He's not himself. Did you see the tears when he saw Gus?  His emotions are all over the map."

"I hope we're doing the right thing," Melanie said.

"We are!" Lindsay said, hoping that was true.

Gus looked at Justin.  "What's wrong?" he asked.  "You sad."

"A little, Gus" Justin admitted.

"Stay here.  Play with me."  Gus smiled at him.

"I'd like that."  Justin sighed. "But I've done something bad and I have to go away for a long time.  Forever."

"No," Gus whimpered.  "Stay here."

Justin wished he could.  He wanted nothing more than to come back here and be with people who loved him and didn't make him be something he wasn't.  But they were Brian's friends and not his. He couldn't go back. He had made his deal with his father and he would stick with it.

The front doorbell rang.  Justin froze. It would be Michael.  He wasn't sure he could face the man and his recriminations.  He felt panic spread through his body. He should never have come here.  Maybe he could get out the back door. He stood up and set Gus down. Gus grabbed his hand.  Justin looked up and there was Michael in the doorway.

Lindsay and Melanie stood behind Michael.  Melanie said, "Justin, Michael would like to talk to you privately first, so we'll take Gus upstairs.  Gus, come over here."

Gus knew something strange was happening.  He was a little scared and Justin seemed very frightened.  He released Justin's hand and went to his mothers. They picked him up and started up the stairs.  He gave a little wave to Justin who didn't seem to notice.

"Justin," Michael said softly.

Justin had a fleeting sense that Michael was as frightened as he was.  "Hello, Michael," he said with no emotion in his voice. "You wanted to talk to me?"

"Yes," Michael said and stopped.

 

Justin was sure he knew what was coming.  It would either be in the form of accusations or questions.  He had no answers for either. He sighed. "So?" Justin asked with a defeated voice.

Repentance  

Pittsburgh - Lindsay and Melanie's House

"So?" Justin asked with a defeated voice.

Michael heard the defeat in Justin's single word, and some of the anger he had not been able to give up slipped away.  "How are you?" Michael said, not knowing how to begin.

"Like you care!" Justin replied with a sigh.

"I do," Michael responded.  "I never meant for things to turn out like this."

"Like what, Michael?  Like me being out of Brian's life for good.  Like me leaving Pittsburgh. Like you having a clear field…"  He didn't need to finish that statement. They both knew what it meant.

"Justin," Michael shook his head, "I'm sorry that I didn't talk to you before I told Brian what I saw."

"Too late, Michael."  Justin sighed. "Too fucking late."

"It doesn't have to be."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you could still come back here.  Brian told me that he went to Dartmouth to see you, and that he asked you to come back."

"And I told him no.  You see, Michael, I finally realized that you were right.  Brian took me in out of pity and guilt. He never loved me.  I'm just a convenient fuck, nothing more."

"That's not true, Justin.  I told you when we were working on Rage that Brian loved you, and he does.  He still does."

Justin stared at Michael.  This was not at all what he had expected to hear coming out of Michael's mouth.  "You're wrong," Justin said. "We all fooled ourselves. Brian can't love anybody, certainly not me…now."

"You're the one who's wrong, Justin.  I think you should come back to Pittsburgh.  I need you to work on the comic with me."

"What?  I came here to end all that.  I thought you had found someone else to draw Rage."

"Well, I haven't.  I tried a couple of people, but their work wasn't nearly as good as yours.  It didn't look the same at all. And I can't kill off JT. Rage would have no reason to live.  Neither would Brian."

"What…what are you saying?  I can't come back. I can't be involved with any of you anymore."  Justin felt desperate. This was all wrong.

"Why can't you be involved with us?  We all want you to come back here and live your life the way it should be."

"Another person deciding how I should live!  Just what I fucking need!" Justin spat out.

"Justin, I only mean that you should have the choice of how you want to live.  I'm not trying to decide for you."

"Good, because I've made my choices and I'll live with them."

Michael sighed.  He hadn't made any headway at all.  He had truly hoped he could reason with Justin.  He had meant what he said, but it made no difference to the kid.  "There's someone else here who wants to talk to you," Michael said.

"No!" Justin gasped.  "I won't talk to anyone else!"  Panic was written all over his face.

"Oh yes you will, Sunshine!" Debbie's voice boomed as she appeared from the kitchen.

"Debbie!" Justin sighed.  He wasn't sure whether he wanted to cry or grin.  He was happy to see her, but he shouldn't be. Suddenly she had him in a bear hug that threatened to collapse both of his lungs.

"You little asshole," she muttered, "how could you leave me without telling me where you were?  You know I worry about all my boys."

"Deb," Justin breathed, "Deb."  That was all he could get out between the tears he was fighting back and the pressure of her embrace.  Finally he felt her grip release and she pushed him back to look at his face.

"What have you done, Justin?" she whispered.

"I've made a fucking mess of everything, and now I have to live with the consequences."

"No, Justin, no, no, no," Debbie babbled, brushing the hair back from his forehead.

Justin felt the tears begin and he couldn't stop them.  He felt Debbie's arms go around him again.

"Why didn't you come back to your room at my place when you left Ethan?" she whispered against his ear.

"I…I couldn't put you in the middle.  I know you love Brian and look out for him.  You must have hated me for what I did," Justin gulped out.

"No, I never hated you.  I wondered what happened and I felt bad for both you and Brian.  But hate you? Never!"

Justin wanted to stay in her embrace, stay there and make the rest of the world go away, but he knew that was impossible.  He straightened up and wiped at his tears. "It's good to see you, Deb, but it's too late. I have to go back to Dartmouth."

"No, you don't.  You can come stay with me again.  Vic and I would love to have you back."

Justin wavered for just a second.  He would like to do that. "No, Deb, it is too late."

Debbie sighed.  "That offer will always stand," she said.  "Somebody else needs to talk to you."

"No!" Justin said, looking like he wanted to run. "No!  This is all wrong!"

Suddenly Emmett appeared from the kitchen.  "Hi, sweetie," Emmett said coming forward to give Justin a hug.  "I needed to tell you a couple of things."

"What…what?"  Justin couldn't believe this was happening.

"You remember when Vic was accused of exposing himself at the mall and wasn't going to fight it."  Justin nodded. "I did everything in my power to make him want to fight, to make him stand up for himself.  That's what I want you to do. I want you to be who you are, not some pretend thing that your father created.  It's important for you, but it's important for all of us. If we don't stick together and help each other, we'll all be beaten down by homophobes like your father.  That's all I have to say."

Emmett stepped back and Justin saw his mother and Molly standing behind him.  "Mom?" Justin said.

"Honey," Jennifer said softly.  All your friends wanted you to know that they care about you and they want you to come home.  We can work out something. You can come to my place or to Deb's or…"

"To my place!  Or I should say 'our place'," Brian said, stepping forward."

"Brian!" Justin gasped.  He felt like his heart was going to explode.  He shook his head in disbelief. Was this real or was he dreaming?

"Justin, I made a big mistake when I forced you to go with Ethan.  I thought I was doing the right thing, but I never meant it to turn out like this.  I'm sorry!"

"No," Justin said.  "It was all my fault.  I cheated. I lied."

"We both made mistakes," Brian admitted.  "And we're all here to try to fix them. I spoke to the dean at PIFA.  They'll take you back if you want to go. I'm offering you a place to live at the loft, a place that I hope you will consider your home as much as mine.  If you don't want to live with me, then you can go to Deb's or your mother's. Just come back, please," Brian begged.

Justin looked around.  They were all staring at him.  He noticed that Ted and Ben and Molly were there.  Melanie and Lindsay had brought Gus down from upstairs.  Everyone seemed to be holding their breath waiting for Justin to say something.

Justin looked at Brian.  The man seemed to genuinely care, but he hadn't mentioned anything about changing his tricking and the group sex.  Justin couldn't do that anymore. He couldn't go back to that way of life. He didn't want to go back to Dartmouth either.  He felt this overwhelming urge to run, so he did. He bolted out the front door and down the steps. He ran down the street, sobbing and gasping for air.  At the corner he stopped and leaned against a tree, letting the tears run free. He shivered in the cold air. He realized he was shaking violently, and then strong arms were around him and he sank against Brian's chest.

"Come to the loft with me," Brian whispered.  "We have to talk." Justin allowed himself to be led over to the Jeep.  Brian buckled him in. He seemed incapable of doing anything for himself.

 

From somewhere far away Justin heard the Jeep start up, and he wished with all his heart that it would quickly drive off the edge of a cliff and put him out of his misery.

Home  

Pittsburgh – Brian's Loft

Justin wasn't sure how he got there, but he found himself sitting on the couch at the loft.  Brian handed him a bottle of water and he drank most of it without thinking. He had cried all the way there.  He knew that, and he still felt tears on his face.

He had to tell Brian that this couldn't happen, that they weren't going to be together, that he was going back to Dartmouth.  He opened his mouth but nothing would come out.

Brian sat beside him on the couch and waited.  He knew Justin was very upset by what they had done.  He didn't want to frighten him any more, so he bided his time.  He would let Justin make the first move, whatever that might be.

After a few minutes Brian heard Justin sigh.  He had stopped crying. He had opened his mouth a couple of times, like he was ready to say something, but no words came out.

Suddenly he stood up.  "I have to go!" Justin stated, as if they had just had a nice visit and it was time for him to take off.

"I don't think so," Brian said.  "We need to talk."

"There's nothing more to say."

"That's where you're wrong."

"I'm not wrong.  I'm leaving."

"Justin," Brian said, as the boy moved towards the door.  "Please, I need to tell you some things."

The 'please' made Justin stop in his tracks.  "What? What can you possibly say that will make a difference?"

"Sit down and listen," Brian said.  "Then maybe you'll find out."

Justin sighed.  He really wanted Brian to convince him to stay, but the things he would have to do to make that happen were impossible.  Justin knew that. There really was no point.

"Did you set this all up?"  He turned angrily back to Brian.  This was all for nothing, and he was sick of it.  "What did you have to promise them to get them to say all those lies?"

"Lies?" Brian couldn't believe Justin thought everyone was lying to him.  "And which fucking lies are you talking about? The one about being sorry you left, the one about wanting you to come back, the one about standing up for yourself!"

"All of the above."

"You think everyone was lying to you?"

"Weren't they?  Nobody had even a word for me after the Rage party.  Now they all care about me? I don't think so."

"They thought you were with Ethan.  They didn't know you had left him. They didn't know where you were."

"Oh?"  Justin let that sink in.  It was true. He hadn't told anyone what he was going to do.  He had been so alone. "My father gave me a second chance. I have to make good on it."

"We're trying to give you a third chance, Justin.  Or as many chances as you need. You get to decide.  We want you to have real choices, not choices based on desperation."

Justin's shoulders sagged.  "Even if all that's true, what about us?" he asked.

"You tell me," Brian said.  "Is there an 'us'? You get to decide that too."

"I do?"

"Nobody here is going to make you do anything you don't want to.  Please, believe that."

"Then why did they all gang up on me back there?" Justin said with a catch in his voice.

"They weren't ganging up.  They had one chance to tell you what they felt.  You refused to see anybody, so it was ambush you or it wouldn't happen."

"And they really meant what they said?"

"One hundred percent!"

"Oh, Brian," Justin sagged, looking like he was ready to collapse.

Brian was up off the couch in a flash.  He grabbed Justin and pulled him against his chest.  The boy went limp and Brian carried him up the steps to the bedroom.  He laid him gently down on the bed and went into the bathroom. He returned with a facecloth soaked in cool water.  He laid it across Justin's forehead.

"It's all right," Brian whispered.  "Everything's going to be all right."

After a minute or two the room stopped spinning and Justin opened his eyes.  "I…I'm okay," Justin mumbled and tried to get up.

Brian pushed him gently back down.  "Good. Then you can listen to the rest of what I have to say."

"There's more?" Justin groaned, working on major overload.

Brian nodded.  "The most important thing of all!"

"What's that?"

"That I want you here.  I need you here. I thought about telling you that I love you, but that wouldn't be the truth, and I'm not going to lie to you at this point."  Brian saw Justin's face fall at those words. "Let me explain. I can't say I love you because I'm not sure that I know what that is. But I want to find out … with you!  I want us to be together. Maybe you can teach me what love is."

"You mean that?" Justin asked.

"I mean it.  When I pushed you into Ethan's arms at Babylon, I didn't really want you to leave.  I thought you needed to experience the romance that Ethan could give you, but I thought you'd come back to me once you saw romance for what it is."

"A fucking disaster!" Justin said.

"I was wrong to push you like that.  I'll try not to do it again. I meant it about you staying with your mom or Deb.  You don't have to stay here with me if you don't want to. Your life is the most important thing.  I want you to be happy."

"I want to be with you," Justin breathed, and Brian was kissing him.  He melted into Brian's mouth, into his arms, into his body. There was no other place to be.  

All of a sudden Brian felt Justin stiffen and stop kissing him.  "What's wrong?" Brian asked.

"I can't do this, unless we settle one other thing."

"What?" Brian asked, dreading what Justin might ask.

"I can't do the baths and threesomes and foursomes.  I just can't!"

"You don't have to.  I really thought you liked all that as much as I did."

"It was exciting at first, but it's not for me.  I got so I hated it."

"You told me that at Dartmouth.  I won't ask you to do that again," Brian promised.

"You mean it?"  Brian nodded. "But what about tricks?"

"For me or you?" Brian asked tongue in cheek.

Justin swatted him.  "For you, you twat!"

"I can't promise that I'll never trick again, because that is highly unlikely."  Justin made a face at him. "But what if I promise that I'll never bring anyone back here to our bed, and I'll never do it in front of you."

"You'd promise me that?" Justin asked.

"I just did."

"Are you sure you mean it?"

"I always keep my promises."

"That's true.  You do. I'm the one who never keeps their promises."  Justin shook his head.

"I haven't asked you to promise me anything.  We can work out what we want as we go along."

"I love you, Brian Kinney."

"I…I'm glad you do."  Even though he hadn't been able to say it, that was the first time that Brian had actually wanted to say 'I love you'.  Maybe things were looking up after all.

"Are we through talking now?" Justin asked.

"I am if you are."

"Then kiss me."

Brian was only too happy to oblige.  He pressed against Justin, rubbing his crotch over the boy's.  His mouth chewed and sucked on Justin's lips and tongue and face.  He had missed him so much. Justin arched up into Brian's body. He was so starved for intimacy, for touching, for this man that he loved.  He ached to have Brian inside him.

"Fuck me, please, Brian," he gasped.

They both tore off their clothes, kissing in between each garment.  When they were both naked, cocks red and engorged, and bodies gasping for release, Brian kissed Justin once more and whispered, "Are you sure?"

"No, you idiot!  I just took off my clothes to get a tan!"

Brian swatted him playfully.  Justin reached over to the nightstand and grabbed a condom from the bowl.  He ripped it open and extended it to Brian. Brian looked at him and said, "Put it on me.  Put it on my dick."

Justin smiled at those words and did as Brian asked.  Brian grabbed the tube of lube and popped the top. He squirted some on Justin's waiting hole.

"It's cold," Justin said.

"It'll heat up!"

They both chuckled, and Justin felt Brian's finger press into him.  He gasped and then relaxed into the touch. In seconds he was ready.  Brian positioned his cock and gently pressed into him. Justin smiled up at the tenderness Brian was showing.  "It's all right, Brian. You won't break me."

"I know," Brian said.  "You're the strongest person I know."

He gave a thrust with more force and was all the way in.  He felt Justin squeeze him internally and he gasped. "Justin, I need you so much!"

Justin reached up and kissed him, sucking in the essence of Brian, devouring the man he wanted so badly.  He knew he was doing the right thing. This was what he wanted, all he had ever wanted, to be close to Brian, to be one with Brian.

"I love you," Justin repeated.  He thrust his hips up into Brian's groin.  The man moaned in satisfaction and began a forceful in and out rhythm.  He knew neither of them would last too long. His stroke gathered speed and he headed them both for that exquisite moment that had been denied to them for too long.  He reached for Justin's cock and pumped it in rhythm with his thrusts. They both came in intense orgasm, leaving them breathless and spent.

Justin snuggled up against Brian, rubbing his hand over Brian's chest.  Brian kissed Justin's forehead and his nose and his mouth. He was steadily working his way down, when the phone rang.

"Shit!" Brian said, knowing who it was.  "I need to answer that," Brian said to Justin.  He picked up the receiver. "Yeah?" he said. "He's still here.  I'll ask him. Are you staying?" Justin nodded. "Looks like I'm stuck with him."  Justin could hear cheering from the other end of the line. "We'll call you later." Brian hung up.

"Who was that?" Justin asked, pretending he didn't know.

"Some group of locals who seem to want you to hang around.  They were thrilled to hear that you were staying." Brian kissed the top of Justin's head.

Justin grinned.  "I don't know how it all got so screwed up, but I'm glad to be home."

"This is your home.  Don't ever doubt that."

"Do you think I should go back to PIFA?"

"That's your decision, Justin.  You do what's right for you."

"I will from now on.  In fact, this is what's right for me!"  He grabbed Brian's cock, feeling it stiffen under his sudden grasp.  "We have to make up for lost time."

"I'm ready if you are, Sunshine!" Brian declared.

Bittersweet

Pittsburgh – Brian's Loft

Justin awoke with a start.  He glanced around for a second before realizing that he was in the loft and Brian was sleeping next to him.  He stared out into the living room. Lights from the street illuminated the furniture that he knew so well. He couldn't believe he was actually back here.

He slid out from under the covers and retrieved his jeans.  He carried them down to the living room where he slipped them on. He went over to the windows and pushed back the curtains, looking out into the night.

It was all so familiar, yet so strange.  He had only been away from here for a few weeks, but it seemed like an eternity.  Dartmouth had nearly finished him. He knew on some level that he was drowning there, not academically, but personally.  His father had denied him the right to be himself. He shook his head. That wasn't exactly true. He had asked his father for help and had taken that help knowing the requirements his father put on it.  He couldn't really blame the man for demanding what he most wanted for his son, a normal life, just like his.

Justin smiled ruefully.  He had tried to live that 'normal' life, but he had been so lonely, so empty.  Tonight he had been happy for the first time in weeks, months even. The last time he remembered actually being happy was the night Brian apologized for pissing on Rage and offered to help launch an internet ad campaign for the comic.  He remembered Brian bumping his shoulder in tacit recognition that he had made a big mistake and was trying to correct it. They had fucked like rabbits after Michael went home. He had thought everything would be all right after that, but gradually Brian grew more remote and Ethan began to look better and better.  That wasn't really true either. He let those things happen. He should have spoken up for himself, told Brian what was wrong, and demanded that they fix it. He had made so many mistakes. He looked at Brian asleep in the bed and wondered if he was making another one.

He could still go back to Dartmouth and his father would be none the wiser.  He had gotten a last chance from his father. He wouldn't get another one. But was that what he wanted?  To live his life in isolation, pretending to be straight and studying business. He didn't think so.

Was this the life he wanted, living in the loft with Brian?  It certainly was. All he had ever wanted since he had met the man was to be with Brian, to love him and to make love with him.  The problem was that he didn't know what Brian wanted. He didn't know what Brian expected from their relationship, but he didn't think it was very likely that Brian wanted the same things he did.

He sighed.  He had a lot of decisions to make in a big hurry.  He was going to have to talk seriously to Brian, make him listen, and make him answer some tough questions.  He wondered if he had the stamina to do it. That granite façade that Brian wore around his emotions was extremely difficult to penetrate.  It could grind you down in no time.

He walked away from the windows, allowing the curtains to flutter back down.  He looked at the couch and remembered the day Brian had told him to collect his shit and get the fuck out after the loft had been burgled.  He also remembered the day Brian was spanking him when Mel and Lindsay walked in. He smiled at that memory. He wandered over to the chaise and thought about ice cream kisses.  Sometimes he and Brian were so good together.

He looked at the dining room table and remembered jambalaya.  He made a face as he thought of Hotlanta and how Brian flaunted what they were going to do right in front of him.  Then they had had jambalaya together the next night, almost like an actual couple for the first time.

He looked at the hardwood and saw the disastrous picnic on the floor that he had tried to force Brian to share.  That was an Ethan thing, not a Brian thing. He should have known better. He had wanted Brian to respond the way Ethan had with quiet attention and soft words.  Brian had gone to Babylon leaving him alone, and he had gone to Ethan to be together for the first time. What a disaster!

He remembered the other disaster on the floor, when he had come home from Ethan's smelling of sex and another man.  Brian had shoved him to the floor and kissed him. He had been so turned on as Brian tore off his clothes and they rolled around.  Then Brian had told him he stunk and to go take a shower. That was when he realized that Brian knew he was screwing around. And everything had gone to Hell from that moment on.

So many memories flooded Justin's brain, but they didn't help him with his decisions.  In fact they made it worse. For every good memory, there were at least three bad ones.  They had had such a rocky time trying to get together, and then even rockier trying to live together.  Was he prepared to step back into that mess again?

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Brian watched Justin move around the apartment.  He had woken as soon as Justin got up. He wondered if Justin had forgotten how Brian always knew when he left their bed.  It was like a sixth sense. As soon as Justin moved more than a couple of feet away from him, Brian sensed the difference. It was like a hole in his realm of reality.

He saw Justin staring at various things in the apartment, and he was almost certain that he could tell what Justin was thinking.  He could visualize all the same moments that he was sure were running through Justin's head. He saw himself yelling at Justin after the burglary, he saw the meals they had shared at the table, especially jambalaya, he saw them sharing ice cream kisses on the chaise.  He remembered the empty loft when he returned from Chicago having made partner. He thought about how lonely he had been, about how much he wanted to share his success with someone. No, not someone, only Justin, he had wanted to share it with Justin.

He had promised to let Justin make his own decision about what he was going to do, but he wasn't sure he could let him walk out that door again, if that was what he decided to do.

He saw Justin continuing his tour of the apartment and his tour of their life together.  He realized sadly that there were probably many more bad memories for the boy than there were good ones.  He had been really shitty to Justin so many times. He wondered why the young man even considered coming back.  His only hope was that he had told Justin that he wanted to make things better. He wondered if that would be enough to make him stay.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

As the first colors of dawn started to seep through the curtains, Justin crawled back into bed with Brian.  Brian rolled over and kissed him, as soon as he got under the covers.

"I wondered if you were going to come back to bed," Brian said.

"Would you care if I didn't?"

"Yes … yes, Justin, I would."

"At least that's a better answer than the last time I asked if you cared if I was here."

"It's still your call, but know that I do care.  I want you here with me."

"That means a lot to me.  Why couldn't you have told me that when I asked you before?"

"I was afraid to admit that it mattered."

"Why?  What did you think would happen if you admitted it?"

"I always thought you would leave me at some point.  You were too young and I was too stupid and inexperienced."

Justin snorted.  "I never thought I'd hear you admit to being stupid and inexperienced."

"Well, I am, when it comes to … matters of the heart."

"That's true," Justin admitted.

"I thought that when you left me, everyone would think I deserved it, because I'm a heartless shit.  I decided at some point that if they were going to think that and you were going to leave, I might as well live up to that reputation.  I couldn't stand the idea that you would leave me after I admitted that I needed you. I just couldn't bear that."

"Then why can you say it now?  I might still leave."

"I know, but I have no more pride, nothing else to lose.  You've already left me once. I know I was dead inside when you were gone.  I don't want to do that again, so I'm trying to be honest this time. If that doesn't keep you here then I might as well be dead."

"Just like I am at Dartmouth, empty and dead."

"Are you admitting that we are pathetic without each other?'

"I guess I am," Justin chuckled.

"That is some kind of sick reason for being together," Brian said.

"Yeah, sick and … wonderful."

"Wonderful?"

"You said you wanted me to teach you what love is.  That's a big part of it. When two people need to be together, when their lives are empty and meaningless without the other person, that's love."

"Sounds pretty pathetic to me."

"But the flipside of it is that you are happy when the other person is around.  That you feel safe and cherished when you are with that person."

"Like now."

Justin beamed his sunshine smile.  "Exactly like now!" he replied.

"Do you think we can do this?"

"I … I don't know, Brian.  A lot of it depends on you.  I can't go back to settling for any little crumb of affection that you choose to throw my way.  I need more than that. Otherwise I might as well be at Dartmouth. It wouldn't be so different from here."

"Shit, Justin!  Is that really how you felt?  That I threw you a crumb every once in a while?  That you were as beat down here as I found you at Dartmouth?  Fuck!"

"Honestly, yes.  The last few weeks we were together, it was … painful.  Every gesture I made toward you, you slapped it away. The picnic, the snowboarding trip, it made me feel totally worthless."

"That isn't what I was trying to do.  I never meant…"

"What did you mean, Brian?  I'd really like to know."

"I wanted to go snowboarding with you, but I was going to be fired if I didn't land Brown Athletics.  You know how important my job is to me."

"Why couldn't you have sat down and told me that?"

"I…I couldn't admit how scared I was, even to myself.  I expected you to know that I had to go to Chicago."

"Well, I didn't know that.  I knew that you had promised to go to Vermont with me, and then out of the blue you changed your mind and as much as told me that I wasn't important to you at all."

"Is that how it seemed?"

"You really are clueless about this stuff, aren't you?"

"I told you I was."

Justin laughed.  "Why were you fucking that guy in our bed when I got back?"

"I was hurt that you went without me.  At first I thought you went with somebody else."

"Really?"

"Yes, really.  So I found someone to relieve the tension, someone who was happy to be with me if only for a few minutes.  He didn't require any effort."

"And I did?"

"Yes, and sometimes I just couldn't make that effort."

"Why not?  Aren't I worth it?"

"Yes, you are.  I realize that now, but I couldn't go so quickly from not giving a fuck about anyone's feelings to pouring all this effort into a … relationship that seemed doomed from the outset."

"You thought we were doomed?"

"I told you that I expected you to leave me, either because you would grow up and detest me or more likely because I would make some horrendous fuck-up that would drive you away."

"That's another thing about love, Brian."

"What?"

"That you have to be willing to deal with fuck-ups, you have to take a chance that you can get things right or make them right if you screw up."

Brian groaned.  "I don't think I can ever get all of this straight."

"We've barely scratched the surface," Justin declared.

Brian groaned again.

"Want to fuck me again?"

"That sounds good.  Are you going to stay here?"

"I don't know.  I need to think about it some more.  I'll do that while you're fucking me."

"You can think while I fuck you?"

"Sometimes."

"Then I must be doing it wrong."

Justin chuckled.  "That'll be the day!  Just fuck me and I'll make my decision later."

"Later," Brian said, kissing Justin's luscious mouth.

Intense!

Pittsburgh – Brian's Loft

Justin looked at the clock.  It was just after ten on Sunday morning.  He had spent most of Saturday and all last night with Brian.  They had fucked again and again, making up for the weeks they had been apart.  His ass was sore and his heart was heavy. He still didn't know what to do. He loved Brian, always would, but the man was still unwilling, or unable, to say the same.  Nothing had really changed. All the factors that had driven him away before were still in place.

Now that he had had time to digest it, he was pleased how everyone had declared at Melanie's that they wanted him to come back.  He had thought he was all alone, but he could have got help if he had thought it through more carefully. He wanted to stay in Pittsburgh.  He loved these people and they seemed to love him. What a difference from his lonely existence at Dartmouth!

So what was the problem?  He couldn't stand the idea of repeating all of the mistakes that had led him to leave Brian in the first place.  He didn't think he was strong enough to survive that again.

He looked over at Brian sleeping beside him.  He was so beautiful and so tender yesterday. Then later he had been an absolute animal in their lovemaking.  It was so primal, like his need for Justin consumed him and he fucked with such abandon and … yes … joy. Justin had been blown away in more ways than one.

But, and there always was a but, Brian was still Brian.  He loved this man in all his complexity, but would that be enough.  Would he come to long for more from Brian, and just like before the man would be unable to give it to him?  It could end up the same way, and he couldn't stand that.

But it could end up differently too.  He and Brian had actually talked early this morning about what love meant.  Brian had been receptive to what Justin had told him. Surely that was a good sign.

Justin sighed.  The clock told him that he had less than two hours to catch his bus back to Dartmouth.  He had to decide soon. Or had he already decided by lying here in bed with this man?

He looked over at Brian and saw two hazel eyes staring back at him.

"I heard that sigh," Brian said.

"How long have you been awake?"

"A while."

"Why didn't you say something?"

"I thought you needed some time to think without my dick up your ass."

"Such restraint!" Justin chuckled.

"I am trying to respect your wishes, Justin.  I'm trying not to push you."

"I know, but what do you want me to do?"

"You know what I want."

"Do I?  Maybe I need to hear you say it."

Brian sighed.  Justin was going to make him lay himself bare again.  He thought he had got that out of the way last night. "I need you to be here.  I want you here. What we talked about last night, that's how I feel."

"You mean the part about us being pathetic?"

"That too, but also the part about being willing to take a chance and try to fix things so that we can be together, because we're no good apart."

Justin realized that Brian was skirting all around the use of the word love.  He was describing the things that Justin had tried to tell him about love, but carefully avoiding using that word.  Did that mean that Brian was somehow telling him that he loved him? He had to know. "Are you trying to tell me that you love me?"

Brian stared into those blue eyes that meant everything to him.  He nodded his head almost imperceptibly. Justin's eyes got big and tears began to form.  That was the first declaration of love he had ever had from Brian Kinney. Of course it was non-verbal.

"Don't cry," Brian begged.  He pulled Justin against his body and smothered his face with kisses, tasting the salt of the tears that had escaped Justin's eyes.

"I can't help it," Justin gasped.  "I love you so much. I want to stay here, but I can't survive another break-up like we had.  I don't know what to do."

"Don't leave me," Brian choked out, and Justin knew what his decision had to be.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

The shower cascaded down over them and Justin leaned back into Brian's thrusts.  He felt so much better because he had made his decision. Once he knew what he was going to do, everything had seemed simpler.

He was going to stay in Pittsburgh.  He would go back to PIFA. He would have friends and family and Brian.  He would be his true self.

"Ahh, ahhh, ahhhh!" Justin gasped shooting his load across the shower.  He slumped against Brian who was still pumping into him. Suddenly he felt Brian's body tense and his cock throbbed inside of him.  Brian groaned from deep in his chest and his orgasm ripped through him. He had had such intense orgasms ever since he brought Justin back to the loft.  How had he ever let the young man walk out on him? He never felt anything like this with anybody else.

Justin felt Brian slip out of him and he turned to lean against his lover, steadying each other.  "Nobody makes me feel the things you do," Justin whispered against Brian's throat.

"Me either."

"You mean that."

"I always say what I mean."

"Except about one thing," Justin felt compelled to add.

"I…I told you why I can't … not yet."

"I know.  I can wait."

"You think I'll get there some day?"

"You fucking better!" Justin told him in no uncertain terms.

Brian took his hand and led him out of the shower. He handed him a towel and they each dried off with a little kissing filling in the gaps.  When they were dry they went back into the bedroom and donned some sweats. Brian said he would make them scrambled eggs.

"You're going to cook?" Justin asked eyes wide.

"I'll do anything for my baby," Brian said in a husky voice.

Justin beamed his sunshine smile.  "I'm hard again," he confessed somewhat sheepishly.  Brian's words had gone straight to his cock.

Brian grinned at him.  "If you want to wait a few minutes I could have a little protein before I start on the eggs."

Justin nodded.  Brian pushed him against the wall and dropped to his knees.  He slid Justin's sweatpants down his legs and looked at his purple engorged cock.  He smiled up at this man who had come to mean so much to him. He grasped the pulsing organ and fed it into his waiting mouth.

Justin sucked in a breath.  Brian's mouth was so warm and soft.  Nobody gave blowjobs like he did. He felt Brian's tongue probe the slit of his cock and his knees went weak.  He pressed his hands against the wall to keep himself upright. He closed his eyes to stop the room from spinning.  Brian's lips circled under the cap and sucked hard. He gasped and panted for air.

Brian looked up and saw that Justin was barely able to stand.  He smiled to himself as he released the cock from his mouth and licked up and down the sides.  He blew over the saliva covered rod and felt Justin shudder.

Justin felt his insides turn a somersault.  He wasn't sure he could keep standing. His legs felt like jelly.  His heart pounded in his chest. His head spun in erratic circles. And Brian had barely started.  He opened his mouth to ask Brian to hurry, but nothing came out. He was sure he wanted to say something but he couldn't put a coherent thought together.

Brian watched Justin's mouth work to no avail.  He slid his mouth over the tip of Justin's cock and sucked it down his throat.  He knew the boy couldn't take too much more. He seemed to be on sensory overload, maybe the result of his weeks of deprivation at Dartmouth.  He buried his face in the golden hair below Justin's stomach and smelled the lemon soap they had used in the shower. He drew his lips up and down the rock hard shaft and felt Justin buck.  He increased his speed, his fingers finding Justin's balls and rolling them gently around.

Justin felt Brian's pace quicken and knew it would be over soon.  He felt his balls draw up and the jolts of electricity swept through his system.  He gave a strangled cry and exploded into Brian's mouth. He felt Brian suck him off as his cum spurted again and again.  Suddenly the wall was no longer supporting him and he felt himself pitch forward.

Strong arms caught him and he was clasped safely to Brian's chest.  Gradually he felt the world return to a reality with which he was vaguely familiar.  He was on his knees in Brian's arms, his head on Brian's shoulder. He could hear some gibberish near his ear.  He opened one eye and saw Brian's hair. He realized that Brian was whispering words to him. He made himself focus on them.

"My sweet boy, my baby, my good little man!" Brian crooned.

He smiled.  Brian was telling him he loved him, in his own weird way.  He felt sure of that. He shifted his weight and looked at Brian's face.  He saw such tenderness and yes, love, written in his eyes and in the gentle smile on his face.

"Was that good?" Brian asked with just the hint of a smirk.

"Intense!"

"Pretty good from my end too."

"I love you!" Justin told him.

Brian's smile was so serene. He wished he could put that look on his lover's face all the time.  He vowed that he would try.

Justin felt Brian slide his sweatpants back up his legs and over his hips.  He felt the man kiss his dick and slip it inside his pants. Nobody would ever believe this gentle side of Brian.  It was one of the main reasons he loved him so much.

"Ready for eggs?" Brian asked.

"Starving!"  

Pittsburgh – Jennifer's Condo  

"Hello?" Jennifer answered her phone.

"Jennifer, it's Craig."

"Oh?"

"Have you heard from Justin lately?  His cell phone seems to be shut off. I can't reach him."

"Why are you trying to get in touch with him?" she asked.

"Just wanted to check in with him.  See how his week went."

"No, I haven't talked to him for awhile," she replied, not exactly lying.  She hadn't talked to Justin since Saturday morning. "Maybe he shut off his phone and has forgotten to turn it back on."

"That's probably it. I'll try him again later.  If he should call you, tell him I want to speak with him."

"Sure."

 Pittsburgh – Brian's Loft

Brian dished up the scrambled eggs while Justin buttered toast for himself and set dry toast on Brian's plate.  They sat at the counter to eat.

"These are actually good," Justin said with his mouth full.

"You sound surprised."

"I don't think you have ever cooked anything before."

"Of course I have, just not for you."

"What have you cooked?" Justin challenged.

"Lots of things when I was at university."

"Really? How come you never cook anymore?"

"I can afford not to.  Someone else can do a better job and all I have to do is give them a few bucks to enjoy their hard work."

"That makes some kind of weird sense, I guess."

"It makes lots of sense."

The phone rang.  Brian reached for the cordless sitting on the counter.  "Yeah?" he answered.

"Brian?"

"Jennifer. Do you want Justin?"

"Please."

Brian handed the phone to Justin who had just shoveled in his last bite of eggs.  He quickly swallowed it and said, "Hi, Mom."

"Hi, honey.  Have you made any decisions yet?"

"Yes, I have.  Why? I was going to call you later."

"I just had a call from your father.  He tried your cell and couldn't reach you.  He wondered if I had been talking to you."

"What did you tell him?"

"That I hadn't talked to you for a while which is kind of the truth."

"Thanks, Mom.  I'm not quite ready to talk to him yet."

"You're going to have to do it soon."

"I know.  I just have to figure out what I'm going to say."

"The truth is always good.  Remember that. Are you going to tell me what you have decided?"

"I think you already know."

"You're staying?"

"Yes."

"At Brian's?"

"I'm not sure.  We still have to work that out.  But I am staying in Pittsburgh."

"I'm glad, honey.  I think you'll be happier here, and I'll be able to see more of you."

"Thanks, Mom.  I'll let you know when everything is worked out."  He clicked off and turned to look at Brian. "We need to talk.  My father's trying to get in touch with me and I need to know what I'm doing, where I'm going to be, so that I can deal with him.  He's going to be furious."

Realization

Pittsburgh – Brian's Loft

 "He's going to be furious!" Justin repeated, shaking his head.

"Who gives a fuck what that homophobic bastard thinks!" Brian replied.  He had less than no use for the man.

"He's my father, Brian.  He did try to help me … in his own way."

"By making you move away from here, be something you aren't, deny who you are?"

"All of the above, but I understand a bit more about why he did it."

"What the fuck is there to understand?"

"He has his beliefs even if they are … harsh."

"Harsh?  He fucking kicked in my ribs or have you forgotten?"

"I haven't forgotten any of it.  But I also know that his taking me to Dartmouth was his way of making up for some of the cruel things he had done to me.  We had a long talk when he drove me there. We reconnected on some level."

"But you were miserable there!"

"That's what I have to tell him.  I can't go back to Dartmouth, but I don't want to lose him from my life again."

Brian shook his head.  He couldn't believe that Justin thought he could make nice with his father.  He knew what Craig's response would be as soon as Justin said he was staying here with Brian.  He could see the older man going ballistic and kicking his son out of his life once again. He didn't want that to happen to Justin.  He wished there was something he could do to prevent it.

Justin waited for Brian to react.  When the older man didn't respond, he finally said, "I think maybe I should move back into Mom's for awhile.  Dad won't be quite so pissed if I'm living there and not here."

"But…I thought you said you were staying here?"

"I am staying here, in Pittsburgh, but I hadn't decided if I would stay at the loft."

"I thought that you meant you were staying with me…here.  I asked you not to leave me." The frown on Brian's forehead was growing deeper by the moment.

Justin felt torn.  He had implied to Brian that he would stay at the loft, and truth be told, he had meant that at the time.  Since his mother's phone call, he had reassessed his position. He wanted the best of both worlds, his father and Brian.

Justin tried to explain and soften this new stance.  "I want to stay here at the loft, and I will down the road, but I think I should take it slow, especially if I want to salvage any kind of relationship with my father."

"Do what you have to do!" Brian said bluntly and turned his back on the young man.  He didn't want Justin to see the tears that were filling his eyes. He thought he had made things right with Justin, but obviously his father was more important to him than he was.

"Brian," Justin said softly, "it won't be for long, just until I can settle some things."

"You think pretending you're not coming back to me will make things right with your father?"  Brian snorted. "I may detest that man, but he's not stupid, Justin."

Justin was hurt by Brian's words.  He wasn't pretending not to be coming back to Brian; he just needed some time to ease his father into that idea.  He didn't know how to make Brian see his point of view. "Let's go back to bed," Justin said softly, hoping that sex would ease the tension between them.

Brian was well aware of why Justin was inviting him back into bed, but sex had always been a major part of his pain management, so he wasn't about to refuse it.  He thought maybe he better take advantage of his time with Justin while he still had the boy there.

  

Pittsburgh – Jennifer's Condo

Justin used the key he had to his mother's condo to let himself in.  He knew his mother and Molly would both be out. That was good because he didn't want to talk to either of them.  They would have questions and he still hadn't sorted out in his own head exactly what he wanted to do.

He had gone to PIFA this Monday morning to make sure he could re-enroll.  They told him they had a check for his tuition from Brian and all he had to do was set up his schedule of classes.  He had spoken to the dean who remembered him well from his earlier problems. The dean had told him that he really needed to sort out his life and decide what he wanted to do.  He couldn't keep quitting and returning no matter how talented he might be. He had even suggested that Justin get some counseling from a service they had at the institute.

It took all morning to get things straightened out there.  Justin would start his classes the next day. He had called his mother Sunday night and told her that he was moving back into the condo for a while.  Brian was pretty pissed at him for doing that, but he had decided, and he was going to follow through with his plan.

So here he was taking his meager backpack of items up to the little bedroom where he had stayed after his release from the hospital.  That room sure didn't have any good memories for him.

Brian had told him he would drive them up to Hanover on the weekend to get the rest of Justin's clothes and paraphernalia.  That room at Dartmouth didn't have any good memories either, except maybe the night Brian had spent there with him, and then he had sent him away.

Justin unpacked his meager supply of clothes.  He needed to wash some stuff because he had brought so little with him, never dreaming that he would be staying in Pittsburgh.  He wasn't sure how everything had turned out this way, but his heart told him that this was right.

His next task, while the laundry was washing, was to call his father.  He really couldn't put it off any longer. He wondered if his father had already called Andy McPherson, the security guy at the residence at Dartmouth, to find out if Justin was there.  Oh well, he'd never have to see that man again. If he and Brian collected his belongings on the weekend, Andy wouldn't be working. Why was he worrying about Andy McPherson? He knew it was to prevent himself from thinking about talking to his father.  He was just delaying the inevitable.

Justin sighed.  He lay down on the couch.  His mother was at the real estate office.  Molly was at school. He had the house to himself.  This was the ideal time to talk to his father, before he started classes tomorrow.

 

He reached over and grabbed the phone.  With a heavy heart he dialed his father's number at the office.