The water cascaded down Justin's body, cleansing him of his sin, while his mind worked overtime. Something tugged at his gut when he let himself think about what he was doing to Brian, but he finally found what he wanted in Ethan.

Ethan gave him attention, love, and he serenaded him. Justin closed his eyes, trying to block away the image of Ethan's disappointed face when he’d left him abandoned in bed. Ethan had asked him to stay the night sometime. That was not possible.

Brian was already suspicious as it was, and Brian's questions tonight cemented Justin's worry. Brian knew something, and if Justin didn’t say something soon, their fragile relationship might crash leaving both of them hurt.

As he scrubbed at his stomach and thighs where most of the sweat had gathered, Brian scared the crap out of him by joining him in the shower. He even joked about this not being that kind of shower scene.

Justin smiled faintly, remembering the time Brian had sat him down and they had watched Psycho. Justin had been afraid to go piss after tossing and turning for hours, but he’d been too embarrassed to tell Brian, so he held his tongue and waited until morning.

They exchanged a few words about Brian's reason to join him in the shower, not like he needed one. They usually washed together, and besides, it was Brian's bathroom.

Brian kissed him deeply, somehow telling Justin without words he was ready to talk if Justin was.

“Brian…” Justin whispered, staring into Brian's eyes.

Brian lifted his eyebrows, slightly opening his mouth. Justin studied his lover’s face and lost his nerve. Brian turned him around, pressing him against one of the shower’s glass walls. He kissed Justin's neck, sucking the sensitive skin, touching his face gently, grunting with every thrust.

Justin squeezed his eyes shut, feeling tears burning at the corner of his eyes.

“I screwed up,” Justin mumbled.

The only proof that Brian heard him was the hand resting on Justin's hip, clamping down tightly.

Justin gasped, arching his back when Brian hit a particularly good spot. He brought his arm up, wrapping it around Brian's neck.

Brian found completion shortly after Justin, but he didn’t pull away. He wrapped his arms around Justin's chest, hugging him.

“You broke our rules again,” Brian said quietly into Justin's ear.

Justin's heart squeezed. He more than broke them. He stepped all over them and then set them on fire.

“Shh.” Brian kissed Justin's jaw, then licked a tear that had escaped his eye.

Justin spun into Brian's arms, sniffing. “Can we talk about this in bed?”

Brian's only answer was to shut off the water and then wrap Justin in a big, fluffy red towel. While they dried, Justin internally kicked himself. He had no idea how he was going to tell Brian.

Brian left the bathroom first, and Justin let out a huge breath. He glared at his reflection in the foggy mirror.

It was all his fault.

He shouldn’t have succumbed to the temptation. Ethan had managed to destroy what Justin had worked for over a year to build. But it was Justin who went searching for Ethan, after his proposal to play for him. It was Justin who’d made the first step while he was serenading him. It was Justin who kissed him first.

“Fuck.” Justin scrubbed a hand over his face to make sure there were no tears left.

He found Brian on the sofa, smoking a cigarette, enveloped in complete darkness. The artist inside Justin admired the beauty of Brian's shape illuminated only by the moon’s rays, how his poker face could be visible in the cigarette’s glow.

Brian patted the spot next to him, and Justin sank there. He accepted the smoke, inhaling greedily. It relaxed him somewhat.

“You wanted to tell me something?”

Justin rubbed at the back of his head, leaving his wet hair sticking in all directions.

“Spill it out, Sunshine.”

Justin threw Brian a look, not liking to be rushed, especially not with something so sensitive. Brian could throw him out. Justin deserved that.

“Let me help you,” Brian offered, taking back his cigarette. “How big is his dick?”

Justin choked on his spit. “It has nothing to do with that! Wait… How did you…?”

“It was kinda obvious you were studying… someone else’s body.” Brian kept his eyes on the window.

“I don’t know why I did it!”

“Let me guess. Romance? Love? Violin?”

Justin gasped, focusing on Brian.

Brian glanced his way. “There’s a new CD case on my desk. I don’t listen to violin music.”

Justin felt like barfing. “I was upset,” he finally said. “You never want to do anything that I want. Would it hurt just once – to make me happy?”

“And he did?”

“I’m talking about you!”

Brian twisted so he was facing Justin. “So, you went to someone else to find what I can’t give you. Won’t give you,” he corrected himself.

“He said I’m all that he wants. He loves me. It’s more than you’ve ever said.”

“And more than I ever will,” Brian whispered, standing up. He crushed the smoke in the ashtray.

“But I don’t want him,” Justin cried out, following Brian, who was on his way to the kitchen. “I want all he gave me this past week… but I want it with you!”

“You’ll never get it from me,” Brian said in a cold voice.

Justin stared at Brian's back, knowing that if he pushed the wrong buttons, he was going to lose him forever.

“What the fuck are you still doing here?” Brian asked calmly, turning around and stopping in front of Justin.

Justin gulped, feeling tears at the back of his eyes. Brian was already pushing him away and it was all his fault.

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian's neck. “Would you care if I wasn’t?”

Brian's pulled back a little to look into his eyes. “It’s your call where you want to be.”

Brian escaped his embrace, heading to the bed.

Justin stood near the kitchen island, fighting the urge to grab his jacket and run to Ethan. He chose to follow Brian, who lifted the cover, inviting him in the bed. They lay on their sides, Justin's back to Brian's front.

Neither of them slept well that night.

The following morning, Justin visited Michael to unwrap the first issue of Rage. Brian surprised them with dropping by the store and announcing them he was throwing a party for Rage, so all the queers would know about the comic book. Justin excused himself saying he had class.

Justin wished he’d avoided meeting Brian's eyes. He knew that Justin didn’t have classes that morning. Justin couldn’t tell him that it was going to be the last time. He would never see Ethan again.

On the way to Ethan’s apartment, Justin tried to find the right words to end things with Ethan, but all of them sounded like excuses. Ethan didn’t deserve such pain, but neither did Brian.

And if Justin had to choose, he’d always choose Brian. He’d been there when Justin needed him the most, he’d been there when his family abandoned him, he’d believed in him when Justin himself didn’t.

oOo

When Ethan began undressing Justin shortly after his arrival, Justin told himself one last time. By the time they were relaxing in bed and Ethan was propositioning for them to go watch the meteor shower, it was too late to have such a serious conversation. Justin was going to be late for his classes. Justin explained that he couldn’t accompany Ethan, because his boyfriend was throwing a party for his comic book.

“He must love you a lot,” Ethan said softly.

“In his way.” Justin shrugged.

“But not in yours.”

Justin closed his eyes. “In the only way that he knows,” he defended Brian, because only Justin knew how difficult it was for Brian to show emotions.

oOo

During his classes, Justin couldn’t focus on what the professors were saying. His mind was on how to make things right and clean up the mess he’d created.

At least, he’d made Brian aware of his affair.

When classes were over, Justin ran to the diner for his shift. What he found there stopped him in his tracks. Brian and Ethan were sitting in the same booth. Ethan was most likely unaware of who was sitting across from him.

“Brian,” Justin gasped in shock. “What are you doing here?” It was late in the afternoon. Definitely not after working hours.

“I’m having an early dinner with Ethan. He’s interested in a job for commercials.”

Justin could see Ethan looking between them, then he stood abruptly, saying he had to go to class. Justin turned to look at Brian, who looked pleased.

Justin made a rushed decision and ran after Ethan, catching him outside the door. He was arranging his jacket and scarf.

“Ethan,” Justin whispered.

“Do you take me for a fool?”

“Brian knows, but I never told him your name.” As he spoke, Justin realized that if Brian had seen the CD, he knew Ethan's name and face.

Ethan pushed a one-hundred-dollar bill in Justin's hand. “Tell him to keep his handouts for someone else.” He walked a few steps away from the door. “I can see why you’re with him. God, he’s beautiful.”

“He is.”

“I bet he’s great in bed.”

Justin could feel heat raising inside his body. “Outside the bed is the problem.”

“And he’s fucking rich.” Ethan kept talking, as if Justin wasn’t saying a thing.

“Ethan…”

“Guess what? I’m not the answer. I have myself to think about, the competition is coming up.” Justin blocked away Ethan's speech about the competition, and touring, and the prize, but Ethan’s last words grabbed his attention. “I can’t waste my time thinking about you! Wishing that you were here, hoping that tonight was the night you finally stayed…”

“I wanted to stay!” Justin shouted.

“You can’t,” Ethan said softly, but in a cold voice. “Just go back to your boyfriend and I’ll go back to my music.”

“Ethan…” Justin could feel his stomach pummeling to the ground. He’d hoped he could end things with Ethan in a better way.

All Ethan did was get lost in the people passing on the street.

Justin walked back into the diner with his shoulders slumped.

“Where did Paganini go?” Brian asked, sipping from his coffee.

Justin sat in the spot Ethan had emptied earlier. “I want one day every month for you to do anything I want. I promise not to ask for anything crazy.”

Brian regarded him amused. “Give me an example.”

“Picnic on the floor.”

“That’s reasonable. And in turn, I promise to be more open to talk.” Brian reached out across the table to touch Justin's hand. “I refused your dinner on the floor because Mikey had called to tell me about Ben being in the hospital.”

“Shit. I didn’t think…”

“I was… I had to be there for him. He missed his plane to follow Dave when I called him after your prom. He stayed with me there for three days straight. He took me home when your mom mentioned something about me stinking. I only left, because I knew you were alive after your surgeries.”

Justin walked around the table and sat next to Brian, hugging him tightly. “I’m sorry for being an asshole.”

“You didn’t know. We’re going to talk more.”

“I’m sorry for…”

“Shh.” Brian pressed a finger to Justin's lips.

It was Brian's way to show they were going to be okay.