1. Brian’s Broken Finger

Michael: I’m curious. How did Brian
break his MIDDLE finger?

Justin: His finger got stuck in my butthole

Michael: WHATTTT??

Michael: O_O

Justin: Shit! My buckle! Belt buckle.

Michael: That’s the funniest this I heard ALL day!

Justin: I might be tight, but not THAT tight. :p

Michael: TMI!

2. Debbie’s Pasta Bowl

Michael: How was your day, Ma?

Ma: Cleaned the house, paid the bills, made pasta

Ma: I just gave Carl a huge boner and
now he’s passed out on the couch

Michael: EWWW! I don’t need to know THAT!

Ma: Oh, goodness! I gave him a huge bowl.
Of PASTA. I’m laughing.

Michael: I’m glad you are, cuz I’m gonna barf.

Ma: Don’t be a drama princess!

3. Daphne’s Weird Habits

Justin: Hey! What are you up to?

Daphne: Just finished masturbating. It makes me
feel so relaxed so I can go to sleep easier.

Justin: Awkward…

Daphne: Shit. I meant menstruating.

Justin: Not any less awkward…

Daphne: OMFG!! I meant meditating!
What is wrong with my phone?

4. Lindsay Needs an Upgrade

Lindsay: So I need to face the fact that
I need to upgrade to a bigger pussy

Mel: WHAT?

Lindsay: Mine is a disaster all the time.
It doesn’t have enough compartments
to keep it organized well enough.

Mel: So you mean purse?

Lindsay: … yes

Mel: I was wondering if everything I knew
about pussy was a joke. Does it come
in compartments nowadays?

Lindsay: Stop making fun of me!

5. Daphne Has Goodies

Justin: There’s no food at Brian's place!
I’m starving.

Daphne: Come over! I’ve got some tasty
stuff in my panties.

Justin: I bet you do! HAHAHA

Justin: Though, I’m not your guy if you
get what I mean.

Daphne: HAHA!! Pantry. Stupid phone.

Daphne: Come raid my panties.

Justin: Seriously! HAHAHA

6. Easter brunch

Justin: You want us to cook anything special for Easter?

Tuck: I’m good with anything.

Tuck: but your mom and I have not stopped
talking about your dick since we
had it at Christmas.

Tuck: So juicy.

Justin: Juicy Easter dick. Got it.

Justin: Now I’m afraid to ask what you want for dessert.

Tuck: Oh, God! I mean DUCK!

Justin: I figured.

Justin: Now Brian’s jealous that you had my
juicy dick without his knowledge.

Tuck: Maybe his sweet seed for dessert?

Justin: I’ll pretend I never read that.

7. Justin’s Not Feeling Well

Justin: Brian, can you stop by the pharmacy?

Brian: Sure. What do you need?

Justin: I think I’m getting dick and our room is so HOOOT

Justin: Read that as SICK

Brian: I’d ask who’s dicking you,
but I’m laughing too hard.

Justin: So would you?

Brian: Dick you? Any time.

Brian: I’ll get you some flu meds.

Justin: You’re the best! And wtf.
My phone is weird.

8. Always Wash your Booty

Brian: What’s up?

Justin: Not much. Washing my booty. You?

Brian: ????

Justin: Yeah, people keep stepping all over
my booty and getting them dirty!

Brian: People step all over your booty?

Brian: Point them out to me so I’ll break their legs.

Justin: OMGG! I MEANT BOOTS!

Brian: You scared me there for a second.

Justin: Hahaha! It would have been interesting
for people to step over my ass.

Brian: Gives new meaning to that song –
These boots are made for walking.

Justin: HA!

9. Mother’s advice

Mom: Are you eating enough fruits and vegetable?

Justin: I’m trying to eat better, yes.

Mom: Good for you! Remember, an asshole a day
keeps the doctor away!

Justin: Great advice, Mom!

Mom: An apple a day keeps the doctor erect!

Mom: Oh, dear God!

Justin: I’ll keep that in mind next time Brian and I
roleplay. He’ll be the doctor and I’ll eat an apple.

Mom: This is not funny!

10. Mix Up

Mom: Can I call you later?

Mom: I’m taking Molly to see Satan.

Justin: Wow! I know she’s a handful,
but that seems kinda harsh. LMAO

Mom: Santa!!!! I’m laughing so hard.

Justin: I see why you mixed them up.

11. A Present for Debbie

Michael: I want to buy mom a pet bird.
Maybe a parrot?

Emmett: Oh, that’s cool!

Emmett: What I was in my early teens,
I had a COCKATTACK

Michael: Oh, didn’t we all?

Emmett: HAHA! I meant cockatoo!

Michael: How many times have you typed cockattack?

Emmett: Too many, apparently!

12. Unusual Present for Jennifer

Brian: What did you get your mom for her birthday?

Justin: I got her the anal beads she always wanted

Justin: SHIT! Akyoa pearls

Brian: Nice visual! I was about to ask if there’s something
I didn’t know about Mother Taylor.

Justin: Ewww!

13. Emmett’s New Adventure

Emmett: I’ve never been to Neverland.

Emmett: mmmmmm can I fly?

Teddy: Sure. You need some fart dust?

Teddy: Fairy dust! LOL

Emmett: FART dust! I’m laughing so hard!

14. Color Change

Justin: Where did you go?

Brian: I’ll be black soon!

Justin: Huh?!

Brian: BACK. I’ll be back soon.

Justin: No fun in getting a guy’s hopes up like that,
then taking away the fun.

Brian: I thought there were no complains
about my dick length.

Justin: Just get back here already!

Brian: I’m at the store to get condoms!

Justin: Oh. Buy lots!

15. Measuring

Justin: So I was bored in class and decided to
measure my penis. I used it too much
because guess what!

Justin: It’s a centimeter!!

Brian: That’s a lie. Unless you used the sharpener
before measuring it…

Justin: LOL! I meant pencil.

Justin: That’s awkward.

Brian: If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re
a grower, not a shower.

Justin: Fuck off!

Brian: Now focus in that class I’m paying for!

Justin: Asshole!

16. Nasty Bees

Mother Taylor: I heard Justin was stung by a bee.
Is he okay? Did he need the hospital?

Brian: No hospital.

Brian: He had to take the deep penis, though.

Mother Taylor: Uh… What?

Brian: I had to inject him the epic penis.

Brian: Christ! EPI PEN!

Mother Taylor: I was beginning to wonder if there was
some unorthodox way to save him from his allergies.

Brian: Hahaha! My dick might be a miracle
to humankind, but it’s not able to save his life.

17. Kinnetik Business

Theodore: Forgot to text you walrus.
The deposits have been made!

Brian: Who are you calling a walrus?

Theodore: Shit! That was supposed to be
earlier NOT walrus.

Brian: I totally blame Justin for the few
extra pounds, but I haven’t crossed the
threshold to walrus.

Theodore: You’re still a baby seal.

Brian: You’re fired!

Theodore: See you on Monday!

18. Not a Good Day

Brian: Can we set up a meeting today?

Melanie: Today isn’t good. I’ll be in and out of cunt.
Tomorrow will be better.

Brian: We all know you’re a carpet muncher,
but can’t you pull out of Lindsay’s muff
for one hour to meet with us?

Melanie: Oh, no! I meant court.
That was autocorrect.

Brian: Somehow I don’t believe you.
Autocorrect never lies.

19. The Meeting

Brian: I REALLY need you to bone with me in
about ten minutes!

Cynthia: Are you on drugs?

Brian: What, no?

Brian: FUCK! I meant cum!

Brian: COME.

Brian: Come with me to meet the car company representative.

Cynthia: Now that you asked so nicely…

20. Preparation for an Important Meeting

Theodore: Boss Man, are we still on for
the 4 o’clock meeting?

Brian: Yes.

Theodore: Is it okay if we meet at 3:30 so
we can exchange a brief cunnilingus beforehand?

Brian: Excuse me?

Theodore: I have no words. I typed conference. Sorry!

Brian: wow.

Brian: Your phone worries me, Theodore.

Theodore: You and me, both.

21. The Best News

Justin: Brian’s homosexual!

Michael: Didn’t we all know that?

Justin: Homo Hot Lips

Justin: Hot Tulips

Justin: He’d HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL!!!

Michael: Great news, though, I’m dying of laughter.

Justin: I was getting fisted with the autocucumber

Justin: FRUSTRATED!

Michael: Just stay with Brian, and far away
from your phone.

22. A Real Show

Justin: Can’t wait for the strip tease show you promised me!
I’m going to sit you in a chair and ride your cock so
hard when you’re done!

Mom: Whattt???

Justin: That’s so embarrassing! Please disregard.

Mom: I don’t think that was meant for me.

Justin: I’m gonna jump off the bridge now. Bye.

Mom: Brian will miss a night of fun of what I hear…

Justin: Mom! I’m sorry, seriously.

23. The Moth

Justin: Brian! Pick up your goddamn phone!

Brian: What do you want? Are you texting
me from the toilet?

Justin: There’s moth outside the bathroom door.
Can you kill it?

Justin: Brian? Please.

Justin: I’m gonna blow you, I promise.

Brian: Brian is dead. You’re next. Love, Moth.

Justin: This is not funny! I’m going to scream!

Brian: I like it when they play hard to get.
Love, Moth.

24. Brian being Brian

Mikey: Hey, what’s up?

Brian: My dick.

Mikey: No, I mean… what are you doing?

Brian: Justin.

Mikey: I’m serious here.

Brian: So am I.

25. Sickness

Justin: Feeling better? Is the fever down?

Brian: I took anal two hours straight.
It felt awesome!

Justin: what.

Brian: Fuck! I swear, I wrote a NAP.

Justin: LOL

Justin: I was beginning to feel betrayed.
I’m the only one privileged to go near your ass.

Brian: That’s all sorts of wrong.
Anal for two hours. *shudders*

Justin: That’s no fun. My ass can attest to it.

26. Emergency

Justin: Mom! I need you to bring over scissors.
I’ve got cum in my hair.

Mom: No need to cut it, honey. Just wash it.
I’ve had so much cum in my hair. It will be okay.

Justin: I’m going to be sick. I meant gum.
The phone changed it to cum.

Mom: Oh my!

Justin: So scissors? Gus spat his gum in my hair.

Mom: I’ll be right over.

27. Hunger

Justin: I’m so horny! I want a hot dong right now!

Daphne: And why are you telling me this?

Justin: Cuz we’re doing lunch in 15 mintues.

Justin: Holy fuck! I’m hungry. I wanna doggy.

Justin: HOT DOG!

Daphne: Laughing so hard.

28. Best Party Place

Michael: Did you decide where you want to hold your party?

Justin: Yup! On our dick! It’s the biggest.

Michael: Okay… ?

Justin: Haha! Our deck.

29. The Worst Day

Justin: I’m so over today! Can’t wait to get home.

Brian: Anything special you want tonight?

Justin: I just want you to fist me so hard
I’ll forget about it.

Brian: I had no idea you were into that.

Justin: KISS! I totally meant kiss.

Justin: But autocorrect made my day.

30. ER Visit

Brian: Where in the hell are you?

Justin: I spent the last 3 hours in ER.

Brian: Why didn’t you call? What the hell happened?

Justin: Gus sprayed his semen in my face
and it got in my eye.

Brian: What the actual fuck?

Justin: Sillystring!

Justin: Well, that was awkward.

Brian: You scared me there for a second.

Brian: I’m on my way to pick you up

31. New Hires

Justin: Still stressful at work?

Brian: You’ve no idea.

Justin: I’m sorry. My offer still stands to help.

Brian: What I need is to find a secretary –
as slutty as possible!

Justin: So you can bend him over the desk
and destress? Lol

Brian: I wrote – as soon as possible.

Brian: Your idea doesn’t sound too bad, though.
Wanna come over and demonstrate?

32. News about Molly

Mom: I’ve got to tell you something.
Are you sitting down?

Justin: I am actually.

Mom: Your sister was adopted!

Justin: What? Why are you telling me this
over a text and not calling me?

Justin: I remember seeing you pregnant
with her, anyway.

Mom: Oh this damn phone! I wrote accepted!
She got accepted to Yale!

Justin: Whoa! Wow!

33. Home by Three

Brian: Almost home, Sunshine!

Justin: If you’re not here in five minutes,
I’m licking your butt out!

Brian: Good to know. I’m seven minutes
from home. Prepare your skilled tongue.

Justin: I meant – locking your ass out!

Justin: Are you texting and driving?

Brian: I’m holding you out for the rimjob when I get home.

34. Zoo Trip

Justin: Hey Brian! Gus and I are just leaving the zoo.
We’ll be home in 15.

Brian: That’s nice! What was your favorite part?

Justin: Definitely the pedophiles! Gus loved them.
We watched people feed them, and then we talked
about which ones he’d like to ride.

Brian: You’re not allowed to take him to the zoo again!

Justin: Shit! The crocodiles!!

Justin: Brian? Sorry?

35. Shower Activity

Michael: You better not be late!

Emmett: Relax, sweetie! I’m just pooping in the shower.

Michael: WHAT?

Emmett: I’m still laughing. I meant I’m
hopping in the shower.

Michael: You freaked me out.

36. Christmas Decorations

Ben: Where are we taking the decorations Deb sent us?

Michael: Put them up my anus.

Michael: Anus

Michael: ANUS

Michael: Fucking ATTIC!!

Ben: The bin is huge and I don’t think it will
fit in your anus, so the attic it is.

Michael: Smart ass!

37. The Evil Sharpener

Brian: Busy?

Justin: In pain.

Justin: I couldn’t find my good penis sharpener.
I gave my hand a blister from twisting
it so fucking much.

Brian: Did you pay Anita a visit without me?

Justin: HAHA! The best DYAC ever!!!

Justin: My pencil, Brian.

Justin: Christ. Can you imagine? Sharpening your dick?

Brian: The mental image makes my dick soft.

BONUS

Justin: So I’ve been told I have OCD

Brian: What does that stand for again?

Justin: Obsessive clitoris disorder.

Brian: Whoa! What the actual fuck, Sunshine?

Justin: HAHAHA!!!

Justin: Stupid phone. Obsessive compulsive disorder!

Brian: I knew the obsessive disorder part.
I always forgot what C stood for.

Justin: Clitoris, apparently. Hahaha

Brian: You’re sleeping on the couch!

Justin: Obsessive cocksucking disorder?

Brian: Much better.