The First Fifty

Chapter 1

Prologue

 

 

“Dad, is this a good time to talk?” Gus asked as he came into the living room. 

Brian was sitting on the sofa, a snifter of brandy in his hand, the album Joan had given him was on his lap.  The fireplace was going; the flames were reflecting interesting patterns against the windows. Justin was sketching in the porch.  Bree was half asleep in her pajamas, leaning against Brian just under his arm. It was the holiday vacation so Brian saw no reason to put Bree to bed.  Gus was spending a few days on the lane then in Pittsburgh before flying to New York to spend time with Ray.

The cottage was peaceful and calm.

“I know I’m in for trouble, when you call me dad,” Brian quipped then took a sip of brandy.

“Please, Pop, I’d really like to know about you and Joan and...Jack,” Gus added with some hesitation.

Brian contemplated Gus’ request then made room for Gus on the sofa.

“Sit,” Brian said patting the cushion.  “You really want to take this walk down memory lane?  You may not like what you learn.”

“Dad, Joan told me about her past and I can’t walk down Liberty Avenue without someone challenging me.”

“Challenging you?”

“Yeah, they want to know if I’m the new stud.”

“Don’t those queers have anything better to do?  That was a long time ago.”

“The legend lives on,” Gus assured his father with a smirk and a pat to his leg.

“Peachy.”

“What’s this?”  Gus indicated the book.

“Joan had this made.  Justin gave it to me when we were in New York.”

“It’s beautiful,” Gus said as he took the book.  “A Christmas present?” Brian shook his head.

“More like an early birthday present,” Brian replied.

“Your birthday’s in the Spring, right?” Gus asked innocently.

“Yes.  The time of the year when young men think of proms and graduation,” Brian said with a touch of sarcasm.  ‘And of baseball bats and scarfing,’ Brian thought to himself.

“What’s in it?”

“My life.  Open it. I’m not sure I have the balls to look at it by myself.”

“Do you want me to get Justin?”  Gus was surprised by his father’s admission.

“No, it’s about time I grew some balls.”

Brian put his glass down on the coffee table then slid the book back onto his own lap.  He took a deep breath and opened the cover.

 

Dear Brian,

I’m proud of you, son.  I know I never said those words when you were a child and throughout your life when you most needed to hear them.  But nevertheless, I am so very proud of you. I’m only sorry it took me such a long time to work up the courage to finally say it.  I hope you can forgive me.

You, your accomplishments and your fine family have made me the proudest woman.  Thank you for allowing me into your life. I am so fortunate that I’ve gotten to know you, Justin and my precious grandchildren, Gus and Briana.

I love you, my dearest boy.  I always have and always will.

Love,

Mother - Old Joanie

*****

0-5

“Mr. Kinney? It’s a boy,” the nurse came out to tell Jack who was paging through an old baby magazine. “You can see him in about a half an hour.”

“Yeah, sure. Where can I grab a smoke?” Jack asked as he stood, throwing the magazine on a table.

“The solarium is right through there,” the nurse said pointing at a set of double doors. “Your wife is doing fine, in case you’re interested.”

“Thanks.” Jack turned his back on the nurse then made a hasty retreat toward the solarium. He had been waiting for hours without a cigarette. And he really wanted a drink.

Jack never saw the look of disgust on the nurse’s face as he walked out.

*****

 

“Your dad looks pretty happy in that picture,” Gus observed. 

“Joan must have caught him in a weak moment,” Brian said snarkily, although all he felt was sad.

“Why aren’t there any pictures of you and Grandma Joan?”

Brian looked at Bree who was still dozing. “Joan probably couldn’t find a moment when Jack was sober enough to take a focused picture of her and the new bundle of joy.”

“You sound really bitter,” Gus observed. 

“I was … for a long time.”

“That’s … awful.”

“I don’t think anybody ever really wanted me,” Brian whispered. He was finding this really hard, until Gus put his arms around his father and gave him a warm hug.

 

*****

 

“Claire, come and say hello to your new brother,” Joan said as she and the new baby entered the house.

Claire hung back not sure she wanted anything to do with this new body that was going to usurp her exclusive place in the family. She liked being the only child. She got all the attention, such as there was of it. She didn’t think having another baby was a good idea. 

“I’ll be going now,” Mrs. Donnelly their neighbor said. She had agreed to watch Claire until Jack and Joan got back from the hospital, but she never enjoyed being around Jack Kinney. He scared her.

“Thanks so much for keeping an eye on Claire,” Joan said.

“He’s a very cute baby,” Mrs. Donnelly said before rushing out. She hurried past Jack who was bringing in Joan’s bag from the hospital.

“Claire, come and say hello to your brother,” Joan repeated.

Reluctantly Claire walked over to see her brother. “Hello, baby,” she said because she knew that was what was expected of her.

“His name is Brian.”

Claire nodded. She didn’t really care what this baby was called. She just wished he’d disappear.

“I need a beer,” Jack said as he dropped Joan’s bag by the door and headed for the living room. He dropped down into his big armchair.

“Get a beer for your father,” Joan instructed Claire.

Claire retrieved a can of beer from the fridge and carried it over to her father.

“Thanks, princess,” Jack said as he popped the tab. That made Claire smile. She liked being her father’s princess.

Just at that moment Brian gave a wail. 

“He needs to be changed,” Joan said. “Claire, bring my bag upstairs and you can watch me change your brother.”

Claire made a face but she did as instructed. She stood patiently observing while her mother changed the diaper and cooed over the new baby. When Joan was done, she laid a sleepy Brian down in his crib to nap. Joan started to leave the room. “You coming, Claire?”

“I want to look at him for a minute,” Claire said.

“Okay, just watch though. Let him sleep,” Joan cautioned before she went to unpack her bag from the hospital.

Claire studied the tiny baby who had already fallen asleep. “This was my bed first,” she whispered to her brother. “Everything is mine first, daddy and mommy too. I wish you’d go away,” she added as an afterthought. Before she thought about it, her hand snaked through the bars of the crib and gave Brian a hard pinch. He awoke screeching in pain. Claire quickly ran to her room.

“Shut that brat up!” Jack yelled from downstairs.

“I will, I will,” Joan called back as she hurried in to see what had woken her sleeping baby.

 

*****

 

Brian shivered for a moment then rubbed his arm.  Gus looked up at him in horror.

“Dad, are you okay?” Gus whispered, worry written on his face. 

Brian studied his son’s face. “I’m fine.  You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”  Gus was not convinced. “I had a full physical just after Joanie died, including a cardiac work up.  And I saw my oncologist; there are no clogs in any of the plumbing. I think I’m just leaning on my arm wrong,” Brian said as he moved over.  Bree murmured as she was jostled.

“I can put her to bed if you want.”

“She’s fine where she is, Sonny Boy.  It feels good to have her here,” Brian said patting Gus’ leg.  He was somehow comforted by her presence, Gus’ too.

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.”  Brian slid the book over to Gus.  “Turn the page.”

 

*****

“Mommy, it’s not my birthday,” Claire said as she tugged on her mother’s arm.

“Oh no, Claire!” Joan cried out as she made a mess out of the ‘A.’  “It’s Brian’s birthday. I made him his favorite cake for dessert tonight.  As soon as your father comes home we’ll have dinner and then we can all sing Happy Birthday.”

Joan glanced toward the front door of their modest little house.  She kept reminding herself that this was only temporary. Jack promised her that they’d be moving to the city one day and she still believed.  He was in the union and up for a better position, if he’d only stop drinking. He had potential, Joan was convinced. Her husband was going to make it big in Pittsburgh.  Jack promised her, only ten short years and then they’d move to a nicer, bigger house in Pittsburgh. Claire was almost five and Brian three years younger. Joan had only five more years to wait.

She glanced at the door and at the clock on the stove.  It was after seven. The kids would be getting hungry.

“He promised to come home on time,” Joan mumbled to herself.  The cake was just about finished. “There, that’s not so bad?”  Joan stood back to admire her handiwork. Claire stood on tiptoe to see the cake on the table.  Joan turned to take a candle out of a drawer. She had saved the candles she used on Claire’s cakes.  They were only lit for a minute or two, no need to waste a whole candle.

Joan took out the large white two and placed it in the middle of the cake.

“That’s my candle, mommy,” Claire protested.

“It’s nice to share.  Besides, you were only a baby.  You’re all grown up now. Brian can use the candle.” 

“But it’s mine!”  Claire wailed, startling toddler Brian who was asleep in his playpen in the living room.  The boy flinched letting out a startled cry. Just then Jack stormed through the door.

“What the hell is going on in here?” Jack roared.

“You’re late and you’re drunk,” Joan screeched.

“Yeah, so what!  It’s not like I have someplace nice and quiet to come home to,” Jack spat back.

Joan took Brian out of his playpen and set him on the floor.  He made a beeline for the kitchen to get away from the noise. Claire managed to grab her candle off the cake by pulling the plate closer to the edge of the table.  As his parents argued, Brian stretched up to touch the pretty yellow ‘thing’ that caught his eye.

There was a crash and the baby screamed.  Joan rushed into the kitchen to pick up her cake coated boy.  Claire snatched up her candle and a small piece of cake then hurried into her room.  She didn’t care about dinner or her brother.

“I’m outta here,” Jack said grabbing his jacket then slamming the front door after him as he left the house.

Brian sniffled.  He wasn’t hurt but the cake falling on him scared him.  He didn’t even try to eat the cake; he was just attracted to the yellow color.  Joan put Brian in his high chair. She was just about to get a cloth to clean him up then tackle the mess on the floor when she noticed a bottle of cooking sherry near the sink.

“Why not,” she said to herself.  Joan took out a glass from the cupboard and poured herself a drink.

“Ma Ma,” came a little voice from the high chair.  Big hazel eyes were watching her, a sticky hand held out.

“I suppose you want me to clean you up.  I thought it was only girls who liked things clean and tidy.”

“Ma!”  A little eyebrow arched up.

“All right.”  Joan poured herself a little more sherry, drank it quickly then proceeded to clean up the mess.

 

*****

 

“That’s a nice cake.  Did Grandma Joan bake it?” Gus asked.

 “I guess so.  She must have if it’s in here but I don’t remember it.”

“You were probably a baby,” Gus surmised.  Brian nodded. “You don’t really like cake, do you?”

“No, not really.  I’ll eat some if I have no choice,” Brian joked.

“You mean if Debbie or Emmett stand over you and threaten to take your other ball,” Gus teased. 

Brian chuckled. “Something like that.  I never developed a sweet tooth…”

“Except for your coffee,” Gus corrected him.

“That’s different.”

“Suurre it is.”

“Maybe it was the icing.  It looks pretty but I can feel my teeth rot just thinking about eating it.”

“But you’ll eat lemon bars.  Talk about rotting your teeth.”

“Yeah, well, when Debbie has a bug up her nose, you do what you have to do to survive.”

“I bet she thinks she cures anything with her lasagna and diner lemon bars,” Gus quipped.

“You mean she can’t?” Brian said putting his hand to his chest. 

Gus laughed.  “Dad?” Brian arched a brow, waiting for the next personal question.  “He hit you, didn’t he?” Brian nodded. “When you were little?”

“No.  I don’t think so.  At least I don’t remember him hitting me until I was maybe ten or twelve.  Maybe he was waiting until I was big enough to fight back. I was always tall for my age.”

“Like me?”  Gus smiled.

“Just like you,” Brian said leaning in to buss Gus’ cheek.  “You grew like a weed. I never knew what that expression meant until I began to gar-gar.”

“Gar-gar?  You can use grownup words now, ya know.”

“There’s gardening and then there’s gar-gar.”

“Ah, well that clears it up,” Gus smirked.  “But I understand,” Gus said after a minute.

“You do?”

“Yes, I do.  I think gar-gar is one of the best things you do with Bree and Patrick.  He won’t admit it but he likes when you ask him to help. I did too when I was a kid.”

“You’re still a kid.”

“Oh Daaad.”  Gus rolled his eyes like all impatient young men.

“Do you know how proud of you I am?”

“Yes, I know.  I’ve always known, even when I was living with the moms.  I love you, Pop, and I’m proud of you too. Grandma Joan was honest with me,” Gus went on to say.  “Aunt Claire seemed to be Jack’s favorite, but she never knew why until she met Grandma Claire.”

“I try not to play favorites,” Brian murmured looking down at the sleeping little girl curled up next to him.

“I never felt you did.  I never felt deprived of your love even when you were far away.  I never once felt you loved Bree more than me or me more than Bree.  I even know how much you love Patrick and JR. We’re all important to you; different but the same.”

Brian had nothing to say.  He felt a sense of relief knowing that Gus never felt deprived of love or thought that just because Bree was the princess of their little kingdom, she was the favorite.  Bree stirred.

“Dada, can I have a snack?”

“It’s late, you should be in bed,” Brian told her.

“I don’t hafta go to school tomorrow.”

“True.”

“Come on, Pop.  Give her a break.  I could go for a snack too,” Gus nodded in agreement.

Just then Justin walked into the room.

“Hey, Bri, do we have any more of those lemon bars Lacy brought with her.  I’m in the mood for a snack,” Justin said with a big smile.

Suddenly, Brian was surrounded by three big smiles.  

“I sense a conspiracy.  Okay, I know when I’m outnumbered.  And I happen to know where the stash of lemon bars is hidden.”

Brian pushed himself off the sofa then headed for the kitchen with three happy people in tow.

 

*****

 

“What’s this?” Gus asked as he turned another page in the album.  After the lemon bars they had all returned to the sofa to continue looking through Joan’s album.

Brian leaned over to take a closer look.  “It’s my kindergarten report card,” Brian said with surprise.  “I wonder why Joan ever kept that.”

“Maybe because she was proud of you,” Gus replied as he noted the above average comments from the teacher.  “You were a smart little kid.”

Brian snorted.  “What’s does it take to outshine a bunch of five year olds?”

“Quite a bit when you’re five yourself.”

Brian didn’t answer, but merely stared at the report card.

 

*****

 

“Claire, take your brother’s hand,” Joan instructed as she walked down the street with her two children.  It was the first day of school of a new school year. Claire would be going into the second grade and Brian would be starting kindergarten.

“I don’t want to hold the baby’s hand,” Claire said with a snotty look for her little brother.

“I’m not a baby,” Brian said.

“The big boys will beat you up,” Claire said with a gleam of suppressed pleasure in her eye.

“No they won’t,” Brian objected.

“Of course they won’t,” Joan said giving her daughter a glare.

Brian felt a twinge of worry in spite of his brave words.  He didn’t want to get beat up. He didn’t want to get picked on.  As they approached the school, there were some little kids crying and clinging to their mothers.  They looked pathetic. Brian decided he would never be one of them, never be pathetic. He decided then and there that nobody would make him cry.  He was going to be brave. Nobody would call him a scaredy cat or a sissy.

Claire ran off to join some other girls and Joan took Brian to the door of the classroom where he would spend the first year of his school life. 

“I’m fine, mommy,” Brian said.  “You can go home. I can do this by myself.”

Joan leaned down and patted his shoulder.  He was a brave little boy. “Have a good day,” she said, and then she was gone.

Brian entered the class alone, like he would do so many things in his life.

The First Fifty

Chapter 2

 

6 - 10

The next morning after one of Brian’s famous breakfasts, the Kinney-Taylor family assembled again in the living room to continue looking through Joan’s album. Bree had been interested in the contents of the album, but now that she was more wide awake she was even more curious about all the things that had to do with her Dada.

“Is that you, Dada?” Bree asked as she pointed to a picture of a little boy wearing what Bree knew to be a soccer jersey.

“Yeah,” Brian said with a little smile.

“How old are you?”

“I started soccer when I was in first grade, so I’m probably six or seven.”

“I started even sooner,” Bree said proudly.

“And you’re going to be even better than Pop,” Gus said with a wink for Justin.

“Dada has trophies at university,” Bree reminded her brother.

“You will too, Squirt,” Brian said.

Bree threw her arms around her Dada’s neck and kissed his cheek. “I want to be just like you, Dada,” she said with all sincerity.

“Well,” Brian replied slowly, “maybe you can be … in the trophy department.”

*****

Six year old Brian Kinney trapped the soccer ball between his feet. He started advancing up the field scanning what lay ahead. Brian had taken to soccer like a fish to water. His coach said he had a natural feel for the game. Brian knew he was able to figure out where the ball should go. In the few games he had played so far he had scored five goals, more than anybody else by a country mile. 

Brian caught movement out of the corner of his eye. The other team only had one player that was much good and he was heading for Brian, no doubt with the intention of stripping him of the ball. Brian did not intend to let that happen.

Picking up speed, Brian headed towards the opponent’s goal. He knew the game was almost over and nobody had been able to score in the whole time they played. Every time Brian got the ball, the opposing coach sent their best player after him, and so far that kid had been able to stop him. But not this time, Brian thought.

Running as fast as he could, Brian felt the cool air passing around him. He loved the feeling of freedom as he ran. That was why he loved soccer. He could run and he could kick and he could handle the ball. It was all so easy. He didn’t even think about the hours of practice in the backyard that he put in, running around manipulating a soccer ball with his feet.

Brian could see the opposing player coming towards him. The angle the kid had taken would cut Brian off from the goal. The kid was smart. Brian had to give him that. Brian knew there was a slim chance that he could probably get past the other team’s best player and score a goal. He knew he was the best player on his team. He thought it was worth a shot. 

He pushed himself to run a little faster, advancing the ball skillfully as he moved along. The other boy was heading for him at full steam. He wondered if the boy was going to run him down. That would be a penalty, but it would also mean that Brian wouldn’t get to score. Sizing up the situation with his keen mind, Brian made a decision. He kept running as the boy advanced towards him. At the last second, he kicked the ball to Tommy who was in the middle of the field all by himself. Just in time, Brian deked left and the boy charging at him hit the ground with a jolt. Better the ground, than my legs, Brian thought. 

Brian left the boy eating grass and turned his attention back to the ball. Tommy seemed almost stunned that the ball had come to him. The net was practically empty as the goalie had moved to the side where Brian had been coming up the field. With a good strong kick, Tommy sent the ball into the middle of the net just before the ref blew the whistle and the game was over.

“We won!” Tommy yelled at the top of his lungs. He raced across the field towards Brian and launched himself into the taller boy’s arms. They both tumbled to the ground laughing and crowing in victory. They were soon mobbed by the rest of the team who fell on top of them all laughing and whooping it up.

Brian felt like a million dollars. This had to be the best day of his life. When the whole team finally got up from the ground, the coach congratulated them and had them shake hands with the losing team. 

When all that was accomplished, Brian ran over to his parents and Claire who had finally come to one of his soccer games. Usually it was just Joan, and often she merely arrived in time to take him home. Sometimes he walked home alone.

“Did you see me?” Brian asked happily. “I set up the winning goal.”

“You should have scored it,” Jack griped. “You could have beat that other kid.”

“But…” Brian started.

“I don’t know why you want to play this sissy game. You should be learning baseball or basketball or football – a man’s game,” Jack informed his son. He turned on his heel and headed for the car with Claire hot on his heels.

“You did good, Brian,” Joan said squeezing his shoulder.

“Yeah,” Brian said dejectedly as they too followed Jack.

 

*****

 

There’s just so much looking through old pictures that one can take, especially when one’s best friend had just come over to spend the day. Bree and Ashley squealed with delight as if they hadn’t seen each other in weeks.

“Dada, can me and Ashley play in the Wendy House?”

“Bree, it’s freezing,” Brian protested.

“PLLEEEZZZZ,” two sweet faces begged.

“You know if you guys catch pneumonia, Ashley’s mom is going to beat me with a stick.” Brian scowled trying to look menacing.

“And I’ll do even worse,” Justin said as he came in from the porch. Susanna giggled, watching the drama play out.

“But we can bundle up and you can light the fire!” Bree stated with her hands on her hip.

“Oh I can, can I?”

“Yes, Dada, cause you don’t want me and Ashley to catch ‘amonia.’”

“I think you’re outnumbered, Bri,” Justin conceded.

“Ladies, let’s compromise,” Brian said as he pulled out a chair and sat so he could be eye level with the little con-artists. “I will go out to light the fireplace, you will wait about ten minutes to let the Wendy House warm up then you may stay out there for only two hours. By then the fire will be going out and it’ll start to get cold. Do we have a deal?”

Ashley and Bree appeared to be considering the proposal.

“Okay, Dada!” Bree said with a smile that lit up the house. Ashley was wearing a matching one. The girls ran to plan their itinerary while Brian went to go get the gel cans for the fireplace.

“He’s a big softie, isn’t he?” Susanna commented to Justin who was making a fresh pot of coffee. Having nowhere important to go, Susanna accepted Justin’s invitation to hang out while the girls played.

“Where the girls are concerned? Yes, but only to a point. John added insulation to the play house so that it could be used most of the year. And the gel fire does warm it up. But Brian would never let them play out there when it’s really cold.”

“Bree probably wouldn’t ask,” Susanna said. “She’s smarter than that. Besides, it’s not that cold out. Two hours will be more than enough,” she said as she sipped her coffee. “Mmm, this is good.”

“Brian’s own blend,” Justin told her.

“Got enough for me?” Brian asked as he came back into the kitchen.

“Always,” Justin said with a peck to Brian’s lips then poured a mugful for his spouse. “Is the fire going?”

“Yeah, the cans lit instantly. It’ll warm up quick.”

“Can we go out, Dada?” Two heads popped back into the kitchen.

“Go on,” Brian said with a royal wave.

“YAY!” the girls cheered then hurried to get their coats.

“WALK!” three parental units commanded in an attempt to ward off the stampede.

“We will!” came the reply and they heard the sun porch door open then shut.

“That’s that,” Brian said. “Justin, I have some calls to make. I’ll be in the office.” Justin nodded as Brian topped off his mug then went upstairs.

“What is this?” Gus asked out loud to no one in particular.

“Looks like a first place award for a spelling contest,” Susanna said as she glanced at the album. “Who won it?” 

Gus gave Susanna a brief explanation about the album.

They gently flipped through more pages to see the many awards and certificates Joan had preserved.

“You come by your brains honestly,” Justin said softly as he gave Gus a peck on the head. Then he led Susanna into the porch leaving Gus alone with the album.

 

***** 

 

“So my kid’s got brains,” Jack teased as he waved the blue ribbon around in the air. He laughed as Claire scowled at her brother. They were sitting in the living room watching “Happy Days.”

“You just had to let him find it,” Claire hissed.

“I didn’t let him,” Brian swore. “He found it in my room,” he whispered.

Joan knew that Jack liked to search through Brian’s room but was helpless to prevent it. Jack said he had every right to go through Brian’s things since he bought everything that Brian owned. Joan thought that it was time Brian had a little privacy but Jack wasn’t buying it.

Jack rolled the ribbon up then threw it in the trash.

“If the kid likes words so much he should spend his time reading those technical manuals I got for him. Spelling is for faggots,” Jack sneered. “He’ll need a real job when he grows up, a real job like his old man,” Jack pronounced loudly as he grabbed his coat then went out.

Brian got up and went to his room while Claire ogled The Fonz. Unbeknownst to her, Joan quietly took the crumpled ribbon out of the trash, smoothed it out then carefully put it in her pocket.

 

***** 

 

“Pop, did you and your dad ever get along?” Gus asked.

Brian’s brow wrinkled. “Not very often,” he admitted.

“But there must have been…”

“Yeah, there were a few times,” Brian said with a faraway look in his eye.

“Tell me,” Gus requested.

Brian swallowed hard. Sometimes it was harder to think about the good times than it was to think about the more frequent bad ones. The bad ones didn’t hurt as much as all the chances Brian and Jack had managed to squander.

 

*****

“Okay, Brian, hold the ball like this,” Jack said positioning Brian’s fingers in the large bowling ball. 

“Like this?”

“Yes, that’s good. Now line up the ball with the center pin. You’re aiming just slightly to the right of that pin.”

“I’ll try,” Brian said uncertainly. Nine year old Brian Kinney was kind of enjoying his first foray into bowling with his father. He knew Jack went bowling every Wednesday night. He usually came home smelling of liquor. He was jovial if he had bowled well, nasty if he didn’t. 

Brian was happy to have been brought to the bowling alley with his father on this Saturday afternoon. And without Claire. That was even better. Apparently Jack’s bowling league was going to have a father/son bowling night, and Jack didn’t want Brian to disgrace him. Hence, the bowling lesson.

“Okay, son, line it up, bring your arm back and let it go as smoothly as you can.”

“Okay,” Brian said uncertainly.

Brian did his best to follow his father’s instructions. He swung the heavy ball back, took his steps, the number he had watched his father take, swung his arm through and released the ball. As soon as it left his hand, he knew it was going too far left. He felt a heavy weight in his chest. His father was going to be disappointed in him once again.

Brian watched dejectedly as the ball kept heading left. It hit the pins on the left side of the group, but one of them spun to the right and knocked over a couple more pins. Four remained standing.

Feeling tears well up behind his eyes at his failure to get a strike, Brian swallowed hard. He turned to meet Jack’s wrath at his failure.

“Way to go, Brian!” Jack said clapping him on the back.

“Huh? But I didn’t get a strike,” Brian said in bewilderment.

“No, but you knocked down six pins. You get another ball to try to knock down the rest. If you do, you get what’s called a spare. That’s really good for the first time you’ve thrown a bowling ball. Most kids throw gutter balls. Believe me, I’ve seen enough of them around the alley all these years.”

“So … I did good?”

“You sure did. Now, you do have a real hook to your throw, that’s why it went left. That’s something we’ll have to correct as time goes on, but I think you could be real good at this game.”

“Wow!” Brian said. It wasn’t often his father praised him for something. “But what if I don’t knock the rest of the pins down?” Brian asked.

“You still get a point for every pin down. Let’s see if we can line up this shot so that the rest of the pins go.”

“Okay … Dad,” Brian said happily as he picked up his ball that had just returned down the channel.

Jack helped him line up the shot. He managed to knock out three more of the pins, but the one on the far right rocked back and forth, and then refused to fall. Brian was disappointed.

“You’ll get it next time,” Jack said encouragingly. “Let’s work on that hook of yours.”

They spent the next hour with Brian throwing ball after ball. He only had four gutter balls out of all the ones he threw. His father seemed really happy about that. Jack did his best to instruct Brian on angles and how to get positioned to throw the ball with the best results. For the first time Brian realized that this was an activity that his father loved. It was also something that he and his father could do together. Those types of things were very few and far between.

After the long practice, Brian felt his arm tiring. He threw a gutter ball, more dropping the ball than throwing it. 

Jack came up to him. “You getting tired?” he asked.

Brian didn’t want to admit it, but he reluctantly nodded his head. He wasn’t sure he could even lift another bowling ball.

“I think that’s enough for today,” Jack said. “You did really well, Brian, much better than I expected.”

“Thanks,” Brian said with a smile.

“We still have a couple of weeks before the father/son thing. Want to practice again next Saturday?”

“Sure,” Brian happily replied.

“That’s my boy!”

Brian felt his heart fill with love for his father. This was what he always wanted – for his father to be proud of him. He knew he would work really hard at bowling. He wanted his father to be proud of him at the father/son tournament.

“What do ya say...” Jack began, “let’s get a couple of burgers at the counter. You can tell me about how you’re doing in that soccer of yours.”

“Sure, Dad,” Brian said happily. This had to be the best day of his life.

 

*****

 

Dinner at Edna’s Treasures was usually a family affair and tonight was no different. While Justin was the primary chef for the night, there were many helpers. Ashley and Susanna were invited to stay so it was well into the night when Gus got the chance to continue his journey into his father’s past.

“Hey, Pop, what’s this?” Gus pointed to the certificate in the album.

 

“That’s called a moving up certificate. My school gave it to the students at the end of the school year. It meant that you were promoted. It was no big deal, everyone got one.”

“I think it’s nice. My school didn’t do that.”

“We started the same tradition at Kinnetik, when the kids ‘graduate’ from our pre-school and go to kindergarten. I think the kids get a kick out of it.”

“I bet the parents do too. You’re a cool dad,” Gus said as he smiled at his father. Brian smiled back. He was glad that he had his son’s respect. It was important to him.

For most of Brian’s life, he held little respect for his family. When given the opportunity, Brian would escape at every chance. It pleased him that he finally got to know his mother and sister.

“Dad, do you know why Jack, um, was the way he was?” Gus asked with trepidation. He didn’t feel it was right to call Jack, grandfather. Jack was barely a father.

“I do now. Back then, I had no clue. He was just a bitter old man who I happened to share DNA with. It was when I got to know Claire Anderson that it dawned on me why Jack was so angry.”

Gus looked at his father with expectation, hoping Brian would elaborate. Gus wasn’t sure if he was brave enough to ask.

“Jack let the love of his life get away. He made the biggest mistake of his entire life by leaving Claire. But if he hadn’t then I wouldn’t have you,” Brian said in all honesty and with a lump in his throat. Brian could bitch and moan about all the what ifs in his life but when it came down to it, if Jack hadn’t left Claire none of Brian’s life would have existed.

Brian pulled his son into his arms and tried desperately in vain not to cry like a baby. A few tears slipped down his face. 

“Oh Daaad!” Brian heard the muffled whine from his chest. Brian then gave his son a nuggie, making them both laugh hard as Gus struggled to get free.

“When are you going to New York?” Brian asked as he released his son, ending the torture.

“I was thinking of getting there for New Year’s,” Gus said when he caught his breath. “But I kinda want to hang around here for a little longer then spend more time with Mom and JR.”

“Your mother would like that,” Brian said. The unspoken, ‘so would I’ hung in the air. “Would Ray be very disappointed?”

“No, he’s very understanding.” So was Gus.

Brian stood up then stretched. “I need my beauty sleep. You kids are exhausting,” he griped, winking at Gus.

“Oh yeah, we’re exhausting, all right,” Gus teased. He knew his father needed Justin’s healing touch. “Good night, Pop.”

“Good night, Sonny Boy,” Brian said as he went to bed.

 

*****

 

“Good night, Dad,” Brian said when they finally got home from the bowling alley. It wasn’t that late but Brian was tired and his body sore from throwing the heavy bowling ball all afternoon.

“Good night, Sonny Boy,” Jack replied as he ruffled his son’s hair.

It was one of the few good memories Brian ever had of his father.

 

The First Fifty

Chapter 3

 

11-15

It’s oft been written that when someone wakes you up by sucking your cock, the best course of action is to let it happen; and that’s just what Brian did. A Justin Taylor blowjob was nothing to sneeze at. Brian stretched out his limbs and relished the sensation. A pale skinned hand reached out to caress Brian’s chest. Brian grabbed the hand and clutched it to his heart. As he came in the warm wet cavern of Justin’s mouth, Brian knew he was loved so completely.

“Morning,” he said when he could speak.

“Morning to you too,” Justin returned with a smile. “Good?”

“More than good,” Brian told him then kissed his lips. “What did I do to deserve that?”

“Do you think you need to do something to get a blowjob?” Brian shrugged. “You don’t. But if I had to come up with something to reward you for I guess it would be for spending this time with Gus. He really wants to know about you and Joan. It’s important to him and I’m proud of you. I know that some of the memories aren’t happy ones. As much as Gus needs to hear them, I think you need to tell them. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with a little high protein breakfast now and then,” Justin said smugly.

Brian laughed and gave Justin a little poke in the ribs.

“What do you have planned for today?” Justin asked.

“Nothing much. I imagine Gus has more questions for me so I’ll just hang around here. They’re predicting snow so maybe I’ll check in with Todd and the garden center. He’s built up quite a snow clearing list.”

“You going to blow some snow?” Justin teased, giggling at his own pun.

“No, smart ass,” Brian grumbled. “I think I’ll blow you,” Brian growled as he pounced on Justin and reciprocated the previous gesture.

What’s a man to do but lay back and enjoy it!

 

*****

 

“Uncle John?”

“Hey, Gus, what can I do for you?” John was having a lazy day at home. His Pittsburgh projects were going well so he was looking over some other proposals in his kitchen.

“What do you remember about Jack?”

“Not much. I only saw him twice and I never spoke to him. I just wondered what he was doing at the farm and why my grandparents were sad when he left. I never saw him again after that day I pulled Brian out of the stream,” John said sadly.

“I’m sorry if I’m bringing up painful memories.”

“They’re not really painful; it just happened such a long time ago. I never really think about it or him. Sure I wish I had a father. And I know your father would argue with me, but I kinda wish I had a father like Brian. You have one cool dude for a dad.” John smiled at his nephew.

“Yeah, I do.” Gus smiled brightly in return.

“Gus, just go easy on your dad. Memories are sometimes fickle things. They sometimes alter themselves to protect us. Your father will be as honest with you as his heart will allow him to be. Just accept and move on. Jack may not have been the best father in the world; he certainly wasn’t the worst. But he was the only one Brian had.”

“Thanks, Uncle John,” Gus said as John ruffled his hair.

“You hungry?” Gus nodded. “Then let’s make breakfast,” John suggested. Gus got up to help.

 

*****

 

“Jack,” Joan began with that tone he always associated with a prison warden. “We’ve outgrown this house. We’ve outgrown this neighborhood. You promised that we’d be here only ten years and then we’d move. Well, we’ve been here ten years and it’s time,” Joan said emphatically.

“Nag. Nag. Nag. Don’t you have anything better to do? Jesus Christ, woman! Can’t a man enjoy some peace and quiet in his own home!” Jack roared as he got into Joan’s face. “I don’t know why I ever married a shrew like you,” he said raising his hand to strike her but Joan didn’t flinch. Jack stormed out of the house.

Eleven year old Brian was waiting quietly in his room until he heard the door slam. When he knew the coast was clear, Brian left the house to go to the library.

“Good afternoon, Brian.”

“Hi, Mr. Thackeray,” Brian replied politely as he walked by the main desk.

“What is it today?” the elderly librarian asked innocently.

“What?”

“Your project. What are you working on today?”

“Oh, uh, history. Um, Irish history,” Brian lied. 

He really didn’t have a report to do but it was always quiet in the library. Brian came here as often as he could to do his homework and to study. Nobody yelled. Everyone spoke in hushed tones if they spoke at all. The only time it was ever noisy was when it was story time for the younger kids and then only until the kids got settled. Brian stayed in the main part of the library where it was always quiet.

“Exploring your roots. Well, done. We have some excellent reference books. Would you like me to bring you a couple of them?”

“Yes, sir,” Brian said with an award winning smile. “Thank you.” 

Mr. Thackeray always came up some interesting books for him to read. Brian went to his little corner of the library where he knew the librarian would find him. Brian could always be found in his little corner. It was near a large window where the natural light streamed in. Even in the winter or the darkest storm, there was light. Brian settled in and took out his notebook. He didn’t mind learning about Irish history.

“Here you go,” Mr. Thackeray said as he placed two very old volumes on the table. “Now I know you’ll be careful with these books. They’re very old. Call me over when you’ve finished and I’ll take them back to the vault.”

“I’ll be careful. Thank you!” Brian replied as he gingerly opened the first volume. He felt honored that he was entrusted with something obviously so precious. 

“You’re very welcome,” the kindly man smiled. The librarian shook his head; he wasn’t sure if he was heard. Brian’s nose was already buried in the book.

 

*****

 

“What’s this?” Gus asked as he and Brian sat down with Joan’s album once again. 

“That’s the first house we lived in. We lived there until I was a teenager.”

“It looks…small.”

“It was. Joan must have taken that around the time we were moving to the house she called home from then on. I don’t know why she wanted a picture of the old place. She never liked that house.”

“It’s part of a visual history of her family,” Gus said knowledgeably.

“Listen to you, Mr. College Man,” Brian teased.

“I have learned a thing or two,” Gus said with a smile so much like his father’s.

“I’m glad the mega-millions I’m forking out for your higher education are going to good use.”

Gus felt himself blush. There was nothing he could do about it. “I hope they are too, Pop.” 

“I’m sure of it.” Brian smiled fondly at his son. He wondered what Gus thought about his childhood. He hoped overall that Gus’ memories were happy ones even though there had been some rough spots along the way.

“Were you happy to move?” Gus asked after a minute.

“That’s an interesting question.” Brian wasn’t sure how to express the ambivalence he felt about leaving that house.

 

*****

 

“Brian, have you packed up your room yet?” Joan asked.

“Just about,” Brian replied. “Why do we have to move?”

“We’re renting this house. We’ll be buying the one we’re moving into.”

“Do we have enough money?” Brian asked with a worried frown. He had heard his father complain on many occasions about needing money, especially when he wanted to go out for beer with his friends, and he didn’t have enough cash to do that. Jack was always in a foul mood when that happened.

“Your father’s going to make it work,” Joan said with some hesitation. “He promised.”

Brian felt even a little more scared. The only promises Jack ever kept were the ones to tan Brian’s hide. That happened often enough.

“It’ll be good to get a fresh start,” Joan continued. “Have you said goodbye to your friends?”

“Um … no, I wasn’t sure we were really going.”

“Well we are, so you better say your goodbyes,” Joan warned.

Brian walked out the back door of the house. He wasn’t sure about moving. It wasn’t that he was particularly happy in this house, but at least he was familiar with things around here. He didn’t have a really close friend, but there were a few boys he played soccer with and one from school that he would miss … a bit. But Brian was mostly a loner. That was the way he liked it.

Brian grabbed his soccer ball from the back porch and started kicking it along the sidewalk. He had excellent control over the ball. He could push it ahead and then catch up with it, kick back and catch it before it got away. He liked bending it around his feet. That always confused his opponents. Quite often he left them on their ass when he made that move.

“Hey, soccer boy, think you’re pretty good, don’t you?” a big kid who lived down the street taunted Brian.

Brian ignored him and kept kicking the ball along the sidewalk.

“Hey, kid, you better watch out,” the big kid felt compelled to add.

“Brian, ignore that idiot,” his friend Robbie from school called to him from his yard up ahead. “He’s a jerk.”

“Yeah, a big jerk!” Brian agreed.

Robbie was a grade ahead of Brian, but they often walked to school together. Brian and Robbie were almost the same height, but Robbie was much heftier, not lean like Brian. Robbie looked like he could take care of himself without too much trouble, and he didn’t take any guff from anybody.

“Kick the ball to me,” Robbie said. He wasn’t much good at maneuvering the ball, but he would return it to Brian whenever it was kicked his way. After a few minutes, Brian picked up the ball.

“Do you have to go home?” Robbie asked.

“Soon, but I wanted to tell you that we’re moving.”

“Shit! That’s too bad. Most of the kids on this street are idiots. At least you’ve got a brain.”

“Thanks,” Brian said with a smile twitching at the corners of his mouth.

“When do you leave?”

“The weekend.”

“Will you be going to a different school?” Brian nodded. “That sucks. I’ll have to walk to school alone.”

“What about walking with Big Ralph?” Brian asked teasingly, referring to the big kid who had tried to pick on him.

“Fuck no, he’s got the IQ of a toad, and that might be generous.”

Brian laughed heartily. He knew Robbie was smart, a hell of a lot smarter than Ralph. That was why they got on so well. “I … I’ll miss you,” Brian said hesitantly.

“No you won’t,” Robbie said realistically. “You’ll forget all about me in a few weeks. Take care of yourself, Brian. Don’t let anybody push you around. You can scare them off.”

“Thanks for the advice,” Brian said. He knew he never had any trouble when Robbie was with him. Maybe he needed to learn to fight. Maybe Mr. Thackeray had a book at the library that could teach him, but he wouldn’t be going to that library anymore. That sucked too. Brian waved goodbye to Robbie and headed home. He wondered what a future in this new house might hold.

Before Brian got close to the house he decided to make a detour. He would probably be yelled at the minute he got home but this was an errand he had to do.

“Hi, Mr. Thackeray.”

“Hello, Brian, another report?” the elderly librarian asked.

“No, sir, we’re moving and I wanted to say goodbye.” Brian awkwardly stuck out his hand. Mr. Thackeray took Brian’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “My dad got transferred,” Brian said sadly.

“No need to explain, Brian. I’m the son of a miner. We moved around a lot to wherever the work was. I wish you and your family well.”

“Thank you, sir.” Brian looked dejected.

“Brian, come with me.” The librarian led Brian to his little corner of the library and they sat at the table near the window. “Brian, I’d like you to promise me something.” Brian slowly nodded. “I want you to be honest with yourself and be as honest as you can with the people you meet along your journey in life. Temper that honesty with common sense and good judgment. Not judgment of others but in the words you use. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

“I think so.”

“Brian, this world of ours is rapidly changing. See this index card?” Mr. Thackeray picked up an index card that someone thoughtlessly tore out of the card file then left on the table. “Soon we won’t be using the good old Dewey Decimal system to catalog books. I’m sure we’ll have some sort of electronic gizmo that will do it all for us. You’re a smart young man, I know you are. I imagine that some time in the future I will be reading about you and how you excel in your chosen field.

“Be proud of yourself and your accomplishments. Keep your integrity and work hard. I know you’ll go far and be very successful.” Mr. Thackeray patted Brian on the shoulder.

They sat quietly for a moment; Mr. Thackeray hoped that some of his words sunk in.

“Do you know what you remind me of?” Brian shook his head. “You remind me of these books; a hard exterior protecting pages and pages that have yet to be explored and discovered. When you’re ready, take a chance and open up a little. Don’t be afraid to share yourself with others. You will gain more than you lose.”

Brian considered the words his friend had told him.

“Where are you moving to?”

“Pittsburgh.”

Thackeray took the index card, flipped it over then wrote a name and phone number on it.

“I have a grandson just about your age. This is the name of his father. He’s a policeman.”

“Not a librarian?” Brian smiled, teasing the elderly man just a little. He arched his brow.

“Jerome loves his books, especially Sherlock Holmes and P.D. James mysteries. If you need someone to talk to, call him. You can trust him.”

“Thank you,” Brian said as he folded up the small card and shoved it into his wallet. “I’m sorry, I have to go. I, uh, just wanted to say thank you for your help with my…”

“Projects?”

“Yeah, and I’m going to miss…” Brian didn’t want to admit that he was going to miss Mr. Thackeray and the safe haven he had created here in his little corner of the library.

“This library? I will not be able to walk by this corner without thinking of you. Good luck to you, Brian, and do yourself proud.”

“Yes, sir,” Brian gave the kindly man a smile as they shook hands. He left the library then ran all the way home.

 

*****

 

“Hey, Dad, what is this?” Gus pointed to an index card that was in the album. They were up in Brian’s attic office. Gus was studying the treasures in the album while Brian worked at his computer. Kinnetik was working on several new accounts that required his attention. 

“What’s it look like?” Brian said from the other side of his computer screen.

“It looks like an old index card with numbers on it. I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

Brian got up from his desk to look at the card in the album.

 

“That, Sonny Boy, is the Dewey Decimal system.”

“The Dewey what?”

“The Dewey Decimal System. It was a way of cataloguing library books waaaay back in the stone age before all this modern technology,” Brian teased then he explained the system.

“Okay. Weird but okay. But what’s the card doing in here?”

“Not a fucking clue.”

“But this is your handwriting, isn’t it?”

In Brian’s distinctive scrawl, it said, “important keep,” on the card.

“Yeah, but I really don’t remember…” Brian slipped the card out of the page then turned it over. “Well fuck me,” he murmured.

“Dad?”

“It’s okay, Sonny Boy. Just a blast from the past.” Brian examined the card then jotted down the number before putting it back. “She probably never knew what this meant.”

“She who?”

“Old Joanie.”

“Okay, now I’m really confused.”

“Don’t be. Before we moved, before I met Michael and Debbie, I had a friend. A very good friend, although at the time I didn’t realize just how good of a friend he really was.”

“This isn’t the guy who, uh…”

“Took my cherry? No, before that. He was just a librarian who gave me some good advice. I was miserable for a long time when we moved. Our old neighborhood sucked but at least I knew what to expect. Now I was just another poor kid moving to the big city.”

“But then you met Uncle Michael and Grandma Deb?”

“Yeah, and Uncle Vic. You were just a baby when he died. He was a good man and a great cook. He loved you. He loved all of us. He had a big heart.”

“So does Debbie, when she’s not smacking you on the cheek,” Gus said. Father and son rubbed their cheeks at the thought of one of Debbie’s cuffs to the head.

“Yeah, she does have one hell of a right hook,” Brian admitted.

“Dad, did you really lose your virginity at fourteen?”

“Yes, I did. Not the smartest move I ever made but at least the guy wasn’t a total troll.”

“You had standards back then, huh?” Gus snickered.

“It’s never too early to be discriminating. He knew what he was doing even though he was doing it with a kid. I almost made the same mistake.”

“What do you mean?”

“Justin. He was a just a kid when we met. He looked twelve, especially the morning after. But that’s another story.”

“Dad, what that guy did to you, it could have been rape.”

“I know that now, but at the time I just wanted to do it. He wasn’t a bad guy, stupid but not bad. We both got what we wanted.”

“He used a condom, right?”

“Yes he did, thank the gods. I learned a couple of valuable lessons that day.”

“Like what?”

“Like fucking in the shower can be fun and that I was never going to bottom again.”

“But that changed, didn’t it?” Gus asked knowingly.

“Yes, it did,” Brian admitted. “But not for a long time after and for only one man.”

Brian winked at his son then closed the album. He had had enough for the day.

 

 

The First Fifty

Chapter 4

 

16 -20

“Pop,” Gus said with a frown.

“Yes,” Brian replied. He wondered what direction their conversation would take this time.

Gus was studying a picture in Joan’s album. “How did you and Michael become friends?” Gus asked as he looked at a picture of a very teenaged Brian and Michael.

“I met Michael the first day of high school. We kind of fell into being together.”

“I never thought you and Michael had all that much in common.”

“We’re gay,” Brian said as though that explained everything. Gus raised an eyebrow. “At that time and that place, gay was not … easy. We recognized each other right away. He … needed some support. Everyone knew he was gay.”

“Did they know you were gay?”

Brian thought about that for a moment. “I guess I could have got away with appearing straight. But I took my friend Robbie’s advice, and I decided, as Emmett would so eloquently say, ‘Fuck them all’. When I moved to the new house, I refused to let anyone push me around. I didn’t care if they knew I was gay. I stood up to the bullies, and the majority of them back down when you do that.”

Gus nodded. “Yeah, thank God.”

“Did you have some bad incidents?” Brian asked. He couldn’t remember Gus ever being bullied or pushed around because he was gay.

“You were a good role model, Pop. I stood up to a couple of guys, and thankfully they backed down too.”

“That’s my boy.”

“Did you always know you were gay?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Brian said slowly. “I did … do some things with girls, but I always knew…”

“You dated girls?” Gus asked in surprise.

“Once or twice.”

“Did … did you … you know?”

“Sleep with them?”

“Yeah.”

Brian shook his head. “Not till a long time after that photo was taken, but I did try it once or twice later on.”

“Did you like it?”

“Can’t say as I did.”

Gus chuckled. “Remember when I had that crush on Lacy.”

“Did you…?”

“No, Pop, I never, but I sure thought about it.”

“There’s always that little question in the back of your mind until you come to terms with who you are. I guess Ray helped you do that.”

“One hundred percent,” Gus said with a big smile.

 

*****

 

“So how was your date with Peggy?” Michael asked in a singsong voice, and with an evil glint in his eye. It wasn’t often he got something to hold over his tall friend, and he wanted to milk it for all it was worth.

“My date with Petunia was … wilting,” Brian said sticking his tongue in his cheek.

Michael cracked up. “What did you do on your date?”

“We went to a movie, some chick flick. The male lead was John Cusack, and he wasn’t even worth looking at.”

“What about the female lead?”

“Who cares?”

The boys were seated on the bleachers pretending to watch a football practice. Michael didn’t know why they were doing that, since neither of them were interested in football.

“So, did you kiss her at the end of the date?” Michael asked.

“Are you nuts?”

“What did you do? Shake her hand?”

“I didn’t want to touch her,” Brian said with a shudder.

Michael laughed. “Your mother thinks she’s doing you a favor by setting you up with all the daughters of her friends.”

“My fucking mother is crazy.”

“Why don’t you just tell her you’re gay?” Michael asked in all innocence.

“Mikey, your mother loves that you’re gay. Mine would have a fucking heart attack.” There was a pause while Brian thought about that. “Hm, maybe I should tell her.”

“You don’t mean that,” Michael said.

“The fuck I don’t.”

“Brian…”

“You have no idea, Mikey.”

“Yeah, maybe I don’t.”

‘Clueless,’ Brian thought, but he would never say that aloud to his friend.

“So, who are you after now?” Michael was well aware of Brian’s burgeoning reputation as the gay stud of Allegheny High. Brian could have anyone he wanted, and he seemed to want quite a lot of different guys.

Brian grinned. He looked over at the football field. 

“Not a football player?” Michael asked in amazement.

Brian shook his head, but then he said, “Already had a couple.”

“A couple?”

“Yes, Mikey, as in one or two.”

Michael found that hard to believe, but he had learned that Brian never lied. “Then who are you after today?”

Brian raised an eyebrow, but didn’t answer. The football practice was almost over on the field. The coach was talking to the players in a group. The cheerleaders who had been going through routines on the sidelines started to disperse. 

Michael noted that Brian’s gaze was following the cheerleaders not the football players. He knew Brian wouldn’t be interested in the girls so it must be…

As the cheerleaders walked by the bleachers, Michael saw a look pass between Brian and one of the boys on the cheerleading squad. Jason Kenworth. Michael caught the look from Jason in return.

Once the group had passed by, Brian stood up. “Gotta go, Mikey,” he said.

“Yeah, catch you later,” Michael said. He watched his friend head toward the parking lot where Jason had already got in his car while the rest of the cheerleading squad went into the school. Brian walked nonchalantly over to Jason’s car and got in. The car wasted no time in heading out.

Michael’s last thought was, “How does he do it?” 

 

*****

 

“Hey, look at this,” Brian exclaimed.

He and Gus had taken a little break from their stroll down Brian’s memory lane. It was well after dinner when the cottage was quiet that Brian opened up his album again.

“Grandmaw Deb with Uncle Vic?” Gus asked, pointing at the man in the photo.

“Yes. That’s a nice picture of them together. I wonder where Joan found it?”

“That was me,” Justin confessed as he joined them in the sun porch. He brought in a tray of hot cocoa. “Joan knew you were close with Debbie and Vic so she asked if I had a picture of the two of them. I didn’t but Michael did, and he sent me a copy. I hope you don’t mind?” Justin asked with some trepidation.

“No, I don’t mind, Sunshine,” Brian said as he got up from his chair to give Justin a hug. “Thank you. It’s a very nice picture.” Brian poured out three mugs of cocoa then served Gus and Justin.

“Debbie and Vic were very important to you,” Gus said as a statement.

“Yes. To me and to a lot of people,” Brian said softly as he blew on his cocoa and offered a crooked smile to Justin. “I can’t believe the shit that woman gets away with.” Brian and Justin chuckled at some of their own personal memories of Debbie.

“I wish I remembered Uncle Vic. I bet he had lots of stories to tell,” Gus said with a sigh.

“When you visit your mother, why don’t you stop by Deb’s and ask her about him. I’m sure she’ll give you an earful,” Justin suggested.

“That’s a great idea, Sonny Boy,” Brian agreed. “You know how Debbie loves to talk,” Brian snickered. “Just be prepared to eat!”

All three men laughed. No one got away from Debbie without having a full belly.

 

*****

 

“Hey, Kiddo,” Debbie greeted Brian as he slipped through the back door. He took off his jacket then hung it on the back of a chair. “I made your favorite!” Brian noted a huge tray of lasagna resting on the stove. The sauce was still bubbling. Brian went for the plates.

“Wash!” Debbie pointed a spatula toward the sink. Brian sighed but complied. He was hungry but knew better than to argue. “How’s school? You send out your college applications yet?”

“Yes, Maw, they all went out today.” He whined a little like Michael.

Brian dried his hands, took out the dishes and utensils then began to set the table. He looked up at Debbie for a minute. Debbie shook her head.

“Vic went back to New York for a while but he’s moving back here as soon as he gets things settled.” Brian nodded then set the table for three. “Where’s Mikey?” At that moment, the front door opened then slammed shut. Michael ran into the kitchen. He placed a sack of lemon bars on the counter.

“How many times have I told you not to slam the door?!” Debbie admonished her son with a kiss and a pinch to his cheeks.

“Sorry, Ma. Hi, Brian,” Michael said as he automatically went to wash his hands then sat down at the table.

Debbie started to dish out dinner. When everyone had an overflowing plate, Debbie quickly murmured some words of thanks.

“Eat, before it gets cold,” Debbie demanded. The boys dug in without argument.

“So what are you boys up to tonight?” Debbie asked after a while. “I’m workin’ the late shift.”

Brian rummaged around in his jacket pocket and pulled out a video tape.

“You got it!” Michael exclaimed around a forkful of pasta.

“Oh, really attractive,” Brian snarked as he waved the tape around in the air.

Debbie concentrated on the moving target for a minute until she realized what movie it was. 

“That Jennifer Grey is cute as the dickens,” Debbie commented. The boys exchanged looks. 

“Patrick Swayze!” they both said then sighed. Debbie rolled her eyes as she went to dish out more lasagna.

“Who’s for seconds?” The boys held up their plates.

*****

 

“Brian, did you and Michael really jerk off together while watching Dirty Dancing?” Justin asked later that night as they got ready for bed. Brian cracked up into a fit of giggles. It had been a while since Justin heard Brian giggle. Justin fell in love all over again and felt a bit of relief too.

“Yeah, I was a dork back then,” Brian admitted.

“You? A dork?” Justin teased as he slipped between their warm soft sheets.

“I had my moment of dorkiness, a brief moment,” Brian qualified.

“I’m sure,” Justin snickered.

“How about you, little boy? Who did you shoot your load for?” Brian teased his spouse, running his fingers over Justin’s dick.

“Stop it.” Justin blushed then poked Brian in a tickle spot. Brian flinched and giggled more.

“Aw, Sunshine, you can tell me,” Brian urged. “I promise I won’t tell a soul.”

“Nope, I think I’ll keep you guessing,” Justin said smugly then turned over to face Brian. He ran his fingers over Brian’s ribs, tickling those very vulnerable spots.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Brian said snatching at the marauding fingers.

For a few minutes there was a true test of wills. The boys rolled around on their large bed, tickling, teasing and torturing.

“Give up?” Brian asked triumphantly as he used his larger frame to pin down his Sunshine. They both were breathing heavily.

“For now,” Justin marginally gave in. He smiled up at Brian. Brian leaned down and gave Justin a loving kiss. “Are you okay?” Justin asked with concern as he searched the hazel eyes. Brian understood what Justin was asking.

“I am.” Brian kissed Justin’s nose before rolling off the bed. He stood at the side of their bed looking at the mess they had made of the sheets and blankets. “Up.” Justin got up and the two righted the bed.

“I’m still a little pissed at the world,” Brian admitted. “But I’m glad that she went in peace.” Brian sighed, the tears welling up in his eyes as he smoothed out the duvet.

Justin hurried to Brian’s side, pushing him down onto the bed under the blanket. Justin got in and pressed his body close to Brian. Without words, the lovers clung to each other as they slipped into sleep.

 

***** 

 

“Hey,” Brian whispered with a sleep raspy voice the next morning.

“Hey,” Justin replied, staring into his eyes.

“I’m fine.” Justin’s eyebrows went up. “Honest.” Brian wriggled out one hand to make his pledge. “You were right that I needed to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Examine the album with Gus. For myself as well as for him. Make peace with my past,” Brian sighed and rolled his eyes. “God, I sound like such a fag spouting clichés.”

“But it’s true, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is. It’s like I can’t move forward until I acknowledge the past - all of the past, the good and the bad.”

“And can you admit that it wasn’t all as bad as you thought it was?”

“No, I can’t. My childhood sucked and I won’t sugar coat it. But I understand why it was like it was. And I can put it aside. Jack was a miserable old fucker who had a few moments of humanity. I owe him my thick hide and my determination.”

“And Joan? What do you think you owe her?”

“Not sure, yet. Everything and nothing. I’ll get back to you on that one,” Brian conceded. Justin’s stomach rumbled. Justin blushed as Brian chuckled. “I hear and obey,” Brian said as he jumped out of bed.

Taking Brian’s extended hand, Justin allowed himself to be pulled into a tight hug. 

“Thank you,” Brian murmured into the golden hair.

“For what?”

“For putting up with me all these years.”

“My pleasure,” Justin said with a kiss and more stomach noises.

“Come on, I’m sure the rest of the cottage is in agreement with your stomach.”

The boys performed their morning rituals then went to the kitchen to start breakfast.

 

 

The First Fifty

Chapter 5

 

 

21 – 25

“Wow, Pop! Look at this,” Gus said enthusiastically as he turned the page in Joan’s album.

“What?” Brian asked with surprise. Surely Joanie didn’t have a picture of him caught in flagrante or with his dick hanging out. Justin wouldn’t have given her something like that, would he? “I’m almost afraid to ask,” Brian said softly. “What is it?”

“It’s an article from the Daily Collegian, the Penn State newspaper, all about you,” Gus said enthusiastically.

“I know what the Daily Collegian is,” Brian informed his son. “I went there too.”

“Right, Pop, but it’s all about a big soccer win and then there’s a profile about you.”

“How did that get in Joan’s album?” Brian asked. “Justin!” he called, and then waited for his husband to appear. “What do you know about this article in Joan’s album? Have you been going on line to dig up ancient history about me?”

“Brian, it may surprise you to know that Joan had quite a collection of clippings and articles about you,” Justin said as he joined them in the living room.

“More than surprise,” Brian replied. “Try astonishment!”

“Well she did,” Justin continued. “She had saved every article she could find.”

“How would she get the Daily Collegian?”

“I asked her the same thing, and she told me that she had asked a local kid who went to Penn, Billy somebody-or-other from down the street, to bring copies of the paper home with him whenever he came back to Pittsburgh.”

“Billy Jacobsen,” Brian muttered. He couldn’t believe Joan had gone to all that trouble when she never had a good word to say about him to his face.

Justin looked at Brian. “She was always proud of you, Brian,” he said gently.

“But I guess it would have killed her to tell me.”

Justin shook his head. “When we were working on the album, I asked her basically that. I knew you felt like your parents never approved of what you did.”

“And how did she explain it?” Brian asked really wanting to hear the answer.

“She said she thought you would just scoff and make fun of her if she brought it up.”

Brian’s eyes opened wide for a second and then he shook his head. “We were so fucked back then,” he said barely above a whisper.

“Yeah, but you made it up later on.”

“Yeah, Pop, you and Gran really loved each other,” Gus felt like he had to add.

Brian sucked his lips in and didn’t say anything else. After all, what was there to say about so many lost years without each other, and at times such pain inflicted on one another?

 

*****

 

“Hey, Deb,” Brian said as he came through the door of the Novotny home.

“You’re home!” Debbie screeched.

Brian dropped his duffle bag behind the sofa and opened his arms in preparation for Debbie’s bone crushing hug. He wasn’t disappointed.

“It’s about time you came home for a visit,” Debbie chastised smacking his cheek.

“Yes, mother,” Brian replied contritely.

“Are you doing great with your studies?” Brian nodded. “That’s my boy!”

“Are you going to stay with us?” Debbie asked. She thought she knew the answer, but felt compelled to ask.

“Is it a problem?” Brian asked uncertainly.

“Never!” Debbie declared. “I just thought you might like to see your parents.”

“Why? They have no interest in seeing me,” Brian said bitterly.

“Brian…”

“You know it’s the truth. Is Mikey home?” he asked, effectively changing the subject.

“Does it look like it?” Debbie asked testily. She thought Brian should try to make things up with his parents, but she had learned long ago that one did not tell Brian Kinney what to do about anything.

“Where is he?”

“He’s at work. He started at the Big Q a couple of weeks ago,” Debbie informed him.

“Doing what?”

“Stocking shelves.

Brian frowned. “I thought he was going to community college.”

“He did … for a while, but…”

“He wasn’t doing so well,” Brian supplied.

“Yeah, so he dropped out about a month ago. I told him he had to get a job, and now he’s at the Big Q.”

“What the fuck kind of future does that hold?”

“They told him when he went in for an interview…”

“You have to have an interview to stock fucking shelves?” Brian demanded.

“They told him when he went in for an interview…” Debbie repeated with a look that dared Brian to comment again, “that he could work his way up to manager if he stayed with the company.”

“For how long?” Brian asked with a frown.

“It will take a while,” Debbie admitted.

Brian was about to tell Debbie that her son was better than that, but he thought better of it. It was Mikey’s life. He had to do what was right for him. Brian would never be satisfied with such a future, but then he wasn’t Mikey.

“I’m sure he’ll do really well at the Big Q,” Brian said after a minute, and he really meant it. He wanted Michael to be happy in whatever he chose to do.

Debbie smiled. “I made lasagna. Come have some.”

Brian followed her to the kitchen knowing that there was always plenty of good food at Debbie’s. He would be glad for a few solid meals. Ramen noodles wore thin after weeks of them.

 

***** 

 

“Hey, Pop, why are you sitting alone in the dark?” Gus asked as he walking into the sun porch finding his father on a chaise, one of Joan’s afghans across his lap and a snifter of brandy in his hand.

“I’m not sitting in the dark,” Brian retorted.

“I’m not sure if Christmas lights count,” Gus said as he pulled up a chair.

“And I’m not alone,” Brian said ignoring his son’s comment. Beau groaned as he raised his head then laid it down on Brian’s thigh. Brian patted the big dog’s head. “See?”

“I agree, Beau is very good company but I’m not sure if he counts either.” Beau snorted as if insulted.

“Be careful, Sonny Boy, Beau is a very sensitive dog. Aren’t you, boy?” Brian scratched Beau between the ears. Bright big brown eyes sparkled at him.

“How many of those have you had?” Gus asked indicating the brandy. Brian narrowed his eyes. Gus held up his hands in surrender. “I’m just asking. Where’s Justin?” He quickly changed the subject.

“He and Bree went to the General Store with John and Patrick for ice cream. They shouldn’t be long. Bobby’s working late tonight. Did you and Ray have a stimulating conversation?” Brian snarked and waggled his eyebrows.

“NO. We were having a very nice conversation,” Gus blushed.

“It’s okay, Sonny Boy, I was once your age. At least I think I was. It was so long ago that my mind is having a difficult time remembering way back when.”

“I’m sure you have every tawdry detail memorized.”

“Thanks, I think.” Brian took a small sip of the brandy, letting the liqueur slowly roll around his tongue. “You want some?” Brian offered his son a sip.

“No thanks, I’ll stick to beer.” Brian arched a brow. “Pop, I’m going to be twenty-one soon. I have tasted beer.”

“You just turned twenty and beer has nothing on brandy. Philistine,” Brian grumbled. Gus snorted.

“Dad, can I ask you about Mom?” Brian sighed then hung his head.

“Why do I feel like we’ve been playing twenty questions?”

“Because we have. There’s so much more that I want to know.”

“Fine, ask away.” Brian made a royal wave with his hand.

“You met in college.”

“I thought we had that established,” Brian snarked getting a glare in return.

“Tell me about it.” Gus sat on the edge of Brian’s chaise.

“I told you, she was beautiful, a bit naïve and tall.” Brian smirked. “She’d sneak into my dorm room under the pretense of needing to study. We tried going straight, so guys seeing a beautiful blond sneaking into my room did wonders for my reputation.”

“What about Mom’s?”

“Since mine was the only room she was sneaking into, no one thought she was sleeping around.”

“What did you guys do together?” Brian gave his son a look. “I mean when you weren’t trying to conform to the norm.”

“We studied. Studied, studied, studied. I had to keep up my grades to keep my scholarship and stay on the soccer team. Lindsay’s parents were paying her tuition, but if she fucked it up they’d cut her off. We both were going for A’s.”

“I’m confused about something.” Brian groaned in anticipation. “If Mom is a lesbian how come she likes guys?”

“Maybe your Mom is confused,” Brian grumbled.

“Dad!” Gus got up and stomped his way to his room. A minute later Brian knocked then let himself into Gus’ room when he got the okay.

“I’m sorry, Gus, but I don’t think I’m cut out to explain your mother’s sexual preferences to you.”

“I don’t see why not. From what I know she’s only been with three guys and youÂ’re one of them. I think you qualify.”

“Why haven’t you asked her about this?”

“Because she’s my Mom!” Gus said as if his declaration made sense.

“Okay.” Brian sat on his son’s bed. “What do you want to know?”

“You like guys. You tried out women but you knew since you were fourteen that you like guys.” Gus was trying to establish the facts as he knew them. His father nodded in agreement. “Mom tried guys, I mean one guy, you, and that confirmed for her that she liked women.”

“Hey!” Brian took on an insulted look. Gus laughed then hugged his father. “I didn’t mean it that way.” 

“I know, just yanking your chain. It was nice, me and your mom. Very nice. We were both nervous and wound up bumping noses more than once but I remember it was very nice. Your mother is very sweet and very loving. But yeah, no stars or fireworks. Not back then.”

“How about with Sam Auerbach?”

“How do you know about him? You were a baby.”

“I was four, and people talk when they think you’re not listening. I found out enough.”

“Do you like Charles?” Brian asked, skipping over Sam Auerbach.

“I do. He’s very nice, very polite. He treats Mom with respect. Yeah, I can see he’s a bit of a dog. He reminds me a little of you but when you met the right person, you settled down.”

“I’m not hearing a question in any of this.”

“If Mom’s a lesbian, how can she like guys?”

“First of all, I think your mother doesn’t like ‘guys.’ We’re called men, by the way. I think your mother is attracted to a certain type of man. But I am not going to sit here and try to psychoanalyze your mother.” Gus huffed. “Gus, let me ask you something.”

“Go ahead.”

“Why the need for a label?”

“Excuse me?”

“Why must you put a label on your mother?”

“You mean she’s not a lesbian. Bi-sexual maybe?”

“No, I mean she’s a lovely intelligent woman who happens to find beauty in the world around her. Maybe gender is not what’s important to her; maybe it’s what’s inside that means more to your mother.” Brian placed his hand on Gus’ chest at heart level. “Think about it,” Brian said as he bussed his son’s head. “There’s ice cream,” Brian said when he heard the front door open and the sound of little feet running to the kitchen. Gus shook his head. “Good night then.”

“Night, Dad.”

Brian left the room with Gus having more questions than answers, but Brian found that that didn’t scare him. He’d be honest with his son the next time Gus had questions for him.

“Dada! We brought home ice cream,” Bree said with all the enthusiasm of an eight year old. “Do you want some?”

“I could be persuaded,” Brian replied as he helped to dish out ice cream for his family.

 

*****

 

“Well, look who’s back,” Jack said in a gruff voice as Brian walked through the front door. Jack was sitting with a beer in his hand, watching the game on TV. “Are you back for good or do you have more readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmetic?” Jack teased.

“I’m going for my MBA, Dad.”

“What the hell does that have to do with electrical engineering?”

“It doesn’t.” Brian went up to his room, his duffle bag landing on the floor with a dull thud.

“Brian?” He heard his mother knock on his door.

“What?” he answered through the closed door.

“Are you hungry? I could make you a sandwich.”

“No,” he responded curtly. “No thank you.” Brian’s voice became gentler.

“Well, let me know if you need anything,” his mother said as she moved away from his door.

Brian suddenly felt like a guest in his own home, just the opposite of how he felt at Debbie’s. He laid down on his bed and stared up at the ceiling.

 

*****

 

“Mikey! Yooo hoo, Mikeyyyy!” Brian was shaking the sleeping man’s shoulder.

“Brian? What the fuck are you doing here?” Michael asked as he woke up trying to figure out why Brian was in his room and drunk.

“I wanna go clubbing.” Brian giggled as he stuck his nose close to Michael’s making Michael cross-eyed.

Michael pushed Brian’s face away.

“Come on, Mikey,” Brian whispered loudly as he pulled on Michael’s arm. Brian started to giggle when Michael didn’t move, but he did, landing on his knees on the floor.

“Shhh. You’re gonna wake up Ma.”

“I love you, Mikey. Do you know that?” Brian slurred.

“Yeah, I know. Sit here,” Michael tugged on Brian. Brian sat on the bed. “Take your sneakers off.”

“Wha? You want me to take my clothes off, Mikey?” Brian got into Michael’s face then tried to do a strip tease. He only succeeded in getting tangled in his t-shirt. Brian started laughing louder.

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Get in here,” Michael crawled over Brian to get out of bed then pushed Brian toward the mattress. Somehow he wrestled Brian’s sneakers off and got his feet under the blanket.

Brian finally cooperated and allowed Michael to cover him with the blanket. When Brian was quiet for a while, Michael hoped he was falling asleep.

“Do you love me, Mikey?” Brian whispered in the dark.

“Of course, I love you.”

“Does Debbie love me?”

“You know she does.”

“Then why don’t they love me?”

“They who?”

“Them. Jack and Joan.”

“They love you.”

“No they don’t. Not like your mother does. She feeds me.”

“Your mother feeds you.”

“Yeah, right. Mikey, do I belong here?” Brian turned so he could see Michael’s face. Before Michael answered, Debbie came in the room.

“What the fuck is going on here?” Debbie flipped on the light switch. She was in her robe and pink fluffy slippers, standing with her hands on her hips. 

“Hi, Maw!” Brian grinned stupidly up at Debbie.

“Sweetheart,” Debbie immediately understood.

“Do you love me?” Hazel eyes begged for love and understanding.

“Oh honey, of course I love you. I always have and I always will. Go to sleep, it’ll all be better in the morning.”

“Will you make me pancakes?”

“I’ll make you anything you want. Now sleep,” Debbie ordered as she pointed a finger at them. She bent over to give both boys a kiss. Brian relaxed then drifted off.

“Thanks, Ma,” Michael whispered.

“I love you, baby.” ‘Go to sleep,’ she mouthed as she turned off the light and shut the door behind her.

Michael held Brian in his arms then fell asleep.

 

The First Fifty

Chapter 6

 

26 - 30

“Pop, what was it like getting your first job?” Gus asked.

“My first job,” Brian repeated thoughtfully.

“Was that at the Ryder Agency?”

“Ah, Ryder.”

“Pop?”

“Ryder wasn’t my first job,” Brian said enigmatically.

“What was?”

Brian drew in a long breath. “It’s hard when you first come out of college. I sent out a mountain of résumés. I had good credentials from school and from my internships, but…”

“But what?”

“I heard back from three companies.”

“Three?”

“Yep, and I got two interviews.”

“Wow, I’m surprised.”

“So was I. I expected a lot more.”

“How did the interviews go?”

“I did all the things they tell you to do to make a good impression when you’re being interviewed.”

“Yeah, and…”

“It got me nowhere.”

“What do you mean? You’re great at advertising. I thought they would snap you up right away.”

“So did I.”

“But they didn’t…?”

“I got one offer, from Masterson Advertising. It was barely above what I had done as an intern. I was broke so I took it anyway, always thinking better things would turn up soon.”

“How long were you there?”

“Too long.”

“How did you get to Ryder?”

“The whole time I worked at Masterson I was sending out more résumés and trying to get something better. I went for a few more interviews trying to be all polite and politically correct. I covered up the fact I was gay. I kowtowed to the people who interviewed me, and I got fucking nowhere.”

“Jeez, Pop, I had no idea.”

“I never said much about that period to anybody. I was very … unhappy.”

“I can imagine.”

“And then came Ryder. I knew I had to do something different, so when I got the call about an interview at Ryder, I decided to take a different tack.”

“How so?”

“I researched the company, found its weaknesses and decided I was going to be in their face when I went for the interview.”

Gus chuckled. He could just imagine an in-your-face Brian Kinney.

 

*****

 

“Mr. Kinney, I’m Martin Ryder.”

Brian shook the extended hand. “You do your own interviewing?” Brian asked.

“Yes, we’re a small firm.”

“I can change that.”

“Pardon me?”

“I said ‘I can change that’.”

“Confident, aren’t you?” Marty Ryder said with a smirk. He’d take this young upstart down a peg or two.

“Very.” Brian was not going to back down. The results of this kind of blatant self-promotion could hardly be worse than the results of being meek and overly accommodating.

“And just how would you change my company?” Marty asked. He knew that would probably stump the arrogant young man.

Brian spent the next fifteen minutes explaining how he would present new ideas and go after new clients. Marty listened and didn’t interrupt. He had to admit that he was impressed. There were some suggestions that he had never thought of. This guy could be a gold mine for his company if he could carry through with his proposals. It was worth a try.

“Welcome to Ryder, Mr. Kinney,” Marty said standing and shaking Brian’s hand. “The job of junior ad exec is yours if you want it.”

Brian shook the hand. “That position will do for a start, but I don’t expect to be junior for long.”

And he wasn’t.

 

*****

 

“Kinney,” Brian said into his cell phone. 

“Brian, we may have a problem,” Cynthia said without a greeting. Brian sat in the nearest chair and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“What happened?” he asked calmly.

“Leo Brown is in the hospital. Leo Jr. has assumed control of Brown Athletics.”

“Send flowers.”

“Already done. My concern is that Leo Jr. has done a 180. He’s starting to second guess his father’s deals.”

“Do you think I should pay him a call?”

“I was considering doing that myself. Leo Sr. has been slowly stepping back; Junior has been in the forefront. I’ve been trying to build a relationship with him.”

“Then what do you need me for? It sounds like you’ve got it covered.”

“There’s a young company in New York that contacted Stacey. She’s had lunch with them a couple of times. They’re interested, of course, but are afraid they can’t afford us.”

“So you think we should make nice-nice and cut them a deal?” Brian smiled. He liked Cynthia’s thinking. 

“Great minds think alike. Yes, I do. Stacey has a good feeling about this company, they’re about to take the market by storm.”

“And if we sign an exclusive contract…”

“Then it wouldn’t matter what Leo Jr. decided to do.”

“He can go fuck himself; Kinnetik turned his company around. And now that Daddy’s hold is slipping, baby Leo wants to walk all by himself. Well, let him. Don’t beg, Cynthia. You offer him a fair deal and see where it goes. In the meantime, I’ll call Stacey.”

“Are you going to New York?”

“Not if I can help it. Stacey’s a big girl. She can handle it.”

“I’m proud of you,” Cynthia said gently. “If you had said yes, you would have risked undermining Stacey. She’s earned this.”

“Yes she has. And you’re getting soft in the head in your old age,” Brian snorted.

“As if,” Cynthia snapped back. “Brian, how are you doing? All joking aside, you’re one of my closest friends, in a professional, big brother that I never wanted, kind of way.”

“I’m fine, Cyn. Really. I won’t lie to you, it still hurts. Old Joanie and I wasted a hell of a lot of time, but the time we did spend together was the best. I’m trying to focus on that.”

“Good. I meant it, Brian. I am so proud of you. When we met you were the most arrogant son of a bitch that I ever had the displeasure to know. But there was something about you. I knew you were going to reach heights in this business that no one else could.”

“And I knew that you were the person to keep me grounded,” Brian said with pride. “Now, go, be brilliant. Reel Leo Jr. in.”

“And if the fish gets away?”

“There are plenty of others out there waiting to jump in our net.” Brian hung up the phone wearing a satisfied smile.

 

*****

 

“Dada?”

“Hey, Squirt.” Brian was lighting a fire in the fireplace. A cold wind had kicked up outside so Brian felt the yen for a nice fire. Bree sat on a little stool close to the fireplace. She was handing her father kindling and small sticks to help start the fire.

“Dada, do you miss Grandma?” Brian arched a brow; it wasn’t often that Bree would say ‘grandma’ instead of ‘gamma’ which was her habit.

“Yes,” Brian replied honestly. “I miss her very much.”

“Dada, do you know how Gamma Joan met your daddy?” Bree handed her father the box of long fancy matches to light the fire.

“No, not really. I know that Jack came to the Pittsburgh area to look for work. He found some jobs because he sent money back home to his parents. He met Joan and then they got married.”

Bree sat quietly on her stool watching her father poke at the flames as they caught and spread. Brian closed the glass fire doors then sat back on the rug. Bree left her stool to snuggle in Brian’s lap.

“How did you meet Daddy?” Brian smiled and cuddled Bree close.

“That’s a very famous story,” Brian murmured low into Bree’s ear while he gently tickled her. Her delightful giggles made Brian feel warmer than the fire. He kissed her neck. 

“Tell me, Dada!” 

 

***** 

 

“That was quick,” Michael said to Brian when he returned.

“Not when you’ve had as much practice as he’s had,” Ted retorted.

“I got bored,” said Brian.

“I know getting your dick sucked can be so tedious,” Emmett sarcastically said.

“Well, he looked pretty hot to me,” Michael said as he got into Brian’s Jeep.

“Anybody’d look hot to you,” Brian snarked. 

Before getting into his Jeep, Brian spots Justin leaning against a post.

“How’s it goin’? You had a busy night?”

“Just, uh checking out the bars, you know, Boy Toy, Meathook…”

“Meathook, really, so you’re into leather?”

“Sure.”

“Where you headed?”

“No place special.”

“I can change that.”

 

*****

“I was out with Uncle Michael, Uncle Ted and Auntie Emm,” Brian started to explain. “We used to go Babylon together to dance.”

“You dance good, Dada,” Bree said with a brilliant smile as she looked up into her father’s face.

“Thank you, Squirt, but we all know that the best dancer in this family is your father. It was a nice evening; the music was loud just like we wanted it. We were all about to go home when I saw your father.”

“Was it love at first sight?”

“What do know about love at first sight?”

“Kendal has a boyfriend; he’s in the fourth grade.”

“She likes her men older, does she?” Brian said with a chuckle. Bree nodded, making her little pigtails bob up and down.

“She said it was love at first sight.”

“Well, almost love at first sight. I had a lot to learn about love back then. Lucky for me, your father is a very good teacher,” Brian said as he pecked Bree’s nose. “Now I think it’s time for someone to get ready for bed.”

Brian pushed Bree up off his lap. She gave Brian a hug then scurried off to her room to put on her pajamas.

“Hey,” Justin called out as he entered the living room. He took Bree’s place on Brian’s lap. “Am I too heavy?”

“Never,” Brian said as he kissed Justin’s nose.

“You two were looking pretty serious for a minute there.”

“Your daughter wanted to know how Joan met Jack. Then she wanted to know how we met and was it love at first sight.”

“What did you tell her?” Brian tightened his arms around Justin.

“I told her the truth.” Justin’s eye grew wide. “I told her that one night I was out with my friends and then there you were.”

“And was it love at first sight?” Justin searched Brian’s eyes.

“No, it was lust at first sight. And then one day after I learned many valuable lessons, it was love at first sight,” Brian said with a low breathy voice.

The lovers stared into each other’s eyes. Brian’s eyes were reflecting fiery gold flames. 

“I love you so much,” Justin said before deeply kissing Brian.

“I love you.” The lovers kissed again.

“What else did our daughter want to know?” Justin asked when he was able to draw breath.

“Nothing much but I did tell her that you are the best dancer.”

“You’re not so bad.”

“Maybe but only with you.”

“Did you tell Bree about the prom?” Justin asked, suddenly very serious.

“No, she doesn’t have to know about that.”

“Yet. She doesn’t have to know about that yet.”

“Not ever, unless you want her to know and not until she’s a lot older and we can put it into perspective. We have plenty of time to decide,” Brian counseled.

Justin nodded in agreement.

“She might ask. There are a lot of people who know.”

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there. For now…” Brian pushed Justin off his lap. “Let’s go to bed.”

“It’s early,” Justin observed.

“I’m sure we’ll think of something to occupy our time,” Brian said with a smirk. Justin waggled his eyebrows then led Brian to bed.

 

The First Fifty

Chapter 7

 

31 – 35

“Pop, Justin left you for another guy, didn’t he?” Gus asked as he and his father sat down for another one of their chats about Brian’s past. Joan’s album was open on his lap.

Brian looked down at the floor. He knew this was going to come up. “Yes,” he said softly. “The fiddler.”

“How did that happen? Everyone can see how much Justin loves you. How could he leave?”

“Don’t blame Justin,” Brian said raising his eyes to look into the very similar ones of his son. “I think he loved me right from the beginning, but I was too fucked up to let him. I couldn’t face the idea of a relationship, not with Justin, not with anyone. I didn’t think I was … worthy.”

“Not worthy?” Gus asked in surprise. “But … you’re handsome and successful and … rich.”

“I wasn’t rich back then,” Brian admitted, “although I did okay. And of course, I was handsome. That goes without saying,” he tried to joke.

“Why did he leave, Pop?”

Brian sucked in his lips along with a deep breath. Gus waited. He knew his father often had trouble discussing feelings.

“I … I couldn’t tell him that I loved him. I didn’t even know that I loved him for quite a while. I was so in denial. And I didn’t … know what love was.”

“You show it to everybody now.”

“Thanks to Justin. He had to teach me – right from the primer on love all the way to post graduate work.”

Gus chuckled. “He’s a pretty good teacher.”

“Yes he is.”

“Pop, if you and Justin could break up, do you think Ray and I…?”

“You’re not me, Gus. I hope you aren’t screwed up like I was. But Ray is your first love…”

“You think it could happen?” Gus asked in horror. He had been hoping his father would tell him not to worry.

“Nothing’s forever, Gus.”

“Jeez, I don’t want to think about that.”

“Hopefully you won’t have to.”

Gus sat back in his chair. His eyes were focused on Joan’s album, but his mind was far away in New York.

 

*****

 

“What do you want, Mikey?” Brian said into his phone.

“Want to go to a movie tonight?”

“I have … plans.”

“Another drunken binge at Babylon - fuck until you drop?” Michael asked sarcastically.

“I don’t need this, Michael.”

“I know you miss him…”

“I don’t miss anyone. I do, however, miss my privacy.”

“Brian, I just want to help.”

“Take your help and…” Brian bit off what he wanted to say. Michael was still his friend even when he was an intrusive little asshole. “I don’t want any help.”

“Okay, sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s okay, Mikey,” Brian replied, his voice softening. “What movie did you want to see?” he asked, holding out an olive branch to his old friend.

“Why don’t you meet me at the movie theaters and we can pick something out.”

“Sure.”

“I’m really happy you’re coming.”

“Yeah, happy,” Brian said before he cut the connection.

 

*****

 

“Gus,” Brian said. “Gus!”

“What? I was just thinking.”

“I know you were. Are you really worried about you and Ray?” There was genuine concern in Brian’s voice.

“I … don’t think so. But, talking about what happened to you and Justin, it kind of brought some unpleasant thoughts.”

“You know how I have this reputation of telling the truth even if it hurts.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“It’s a crock of shit.”

“What do you mean? You always told me the truth, didn’t you?” Gus asked. He didn’t like the direction this whole conversation was taking.

“Mostly yes,” Brian responded. “But there were times when I selectively chose what to tell people. I refused to admit my feelings for Justin for a very long time. It caused us many problems that could have been avoided if I’d been honest with myself and with him.”

“So, are you telling me I should be honest about my feelings with Ray?” Brian nodded. “I really am honest with him, Pop,” Gus averred. 

“I know you are. I’m just warning you that you should be upfront about what you’re feeling. It might hurt at the time, but it saves a lot of bullshit … and potential heartache.”

“I’ll take those words of wisdom under advisement,” Gus said.

“Good boy! Now I need to go find my husband and tell him how much he means to me.” Brian stood up and left the room. 

Gus shook his head as he watched his father leave. He had some idea of how hard that had been for his father, but the fact that his father had gone to find Justin indicated that there must be a lot more to the history between Justin and his father.

 

*****

 

“Hey, Gus,” Ray said when he answered his cell phone and saw the caller ID. “Gus? Is that you? Gus?” Ray repeated when he got no reply. “Gus, I hope this is you and you had a root canal or something like that, and not that someone stole your phone and is scrolling through your contacts.” 

Ray got a small chuckle from that comment.

“Gus, please grunt or sigh so I know you’re all right.” Ray heard an exaggerated sigh and knew he was about to witness a queen out moment, or in Gus’ case, a princess out moment.

“I love you, Gus. Whatever it is we can work it out.”

“Thank you,” Gus whispered. The boys remained silent for a while.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Ray ventured.

“I think I need to stay here for New Year’s,” Gus replied. “Are you mad at me?”

“Mad? Why would I be mad at you? Gus, you just lost your grandmother and I saw your dad at Thanksgiving. He puts up a brave front but he’s got to still be hurting and you’re hurting too. You want to be with your dad for a while?” Ray hit the nail on the head.

“Yeah. I still want to spend some of my break with you but my dad needs me,” Gus said with a little boy voice.

“Gus, we have our whole lives to be together. I can wait.”

“Do we?”

“Do we what?”

“Have our whole lives to be together?”

“Okay, where did that question come from?”

“I was talking to my dad about the time he broke up with Justin,” Gus said meekly.

“And you think that’s going to happen to us?”

“Maybe.”

“I admit that we’re a little young to be thinking about forever. You and I have to do a lot of living first, but I’m very sure of one fact.”

“Which is?”

“We belong together. And no matter where we go or how our paths divide and cross, we will always find our way back to each other. I knew that the minute I met you. You are my best friend and my boyfriend. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“So don’t worry. Even if you only get to spend a week here, I’m cool with it. Your family needs you.”

“Thank you.” Gus became quiet again.

“So are you up for some phone sex?” Ray asked with a laugh.

“I’m up, I’m up!” Gus quickly replied, laughing too. “God, I love you so much. You always know what to say.”

“Comes with age,” Ray teased.

“Oh, like you’re sooo much older than me. Big whoop, a whole freakin’ year.” The boys laughed. 

“So you want to do the nasty or what?”

“Nasty, I’ll take a lot of nasty, please,” Gus said as he settled back onto his bed.

“Your wish is my command,” Ray said as he settled onto his bed too.

 

*****

 

 

“Hey,” Brian called out as he entered the sun porch, finding Justin elbows deep in paint.

“Hey,” Justin greeted back without taking his eyes off his project.

“I thought the point of painting was to get the paint on the canvas not on the artist.”

“Oh ha ha, keep your day job, Shecky. Sometimes I have to be one with the paint before it gets to the canvas.”

“I see. That is an interesting technique. Should I be jealous?”

“No, I don’t think so. The paint has none of your unique qualities,” Justin replied nonchalantly. Their conversation was taking a very weird turn and he wasn’t sure where it was going. Justin allowed Brian to go where he needed to go with it. “Your position with me is safe.”

“And what position is that?”

“Top, bottom, I leave it UP to you.”

“I’m always up.”

“I know. That’s one of your most unique qualities.”

Brian watched the artist at work for a while. Justin, completely engrossed in his project, wasn’t aware of the scrutiny. When it appeared that Justin was taking a moment to critique his work, Brian spoke.

“Was it my stupidity that made you leave me for the fiddler?”

“Whoa! Where did that come from?”

“Gus brought it up. He wanted to know why you left me. I told him it was my fault.” 

Justin took a rag and wiped the paint off his hands before replying. He walked over to where Brian was sitting then squatted down in front of him.

“You want an honest answer?” Justin asked. Brian nodded. “If you had asked me back then, I would have agreed with you. I was a kid, barely eighteen, and I thought I knew what love and relationships were all about. I thought it should be flowers, hugs, kisses and passionate ‘I love yous’ every day. I needed to learn that while getting flowers was fun and flattering, if the feeling behind the gift wasn’t an honest one then the gift was crap.

“Brian, I was too young to know that sometimes actions DO speak louder than words. You always treated me like a man even when I wasn’t. You gave me choices and with those choices were consequences that we both had to live with. So to honestly answer your question, back then, yes, I thought it was your fault. In retrospect, I made just as big a mistake as you did. I allowed trivial desires to cloud my judgment. I hope now I know better. Besides, I have enough flowers to last me a lifetime,” Justin added with a smirk, indicating the gardens with his chin.

“So we’re good?” Brian asked for no reason other than to hear it from the man he loved.

“We’re more than good,” Justin replied, beaming his Sunshine smile as he stood up. “Can I get back to my painting now?” 

Brian stood, making a royal wave at Justin. “Yes, my dear Sunshine, be one with your paint,” he said with a lighter heart walking toward the hallway.

“Thank you, sire.” Justin made a bow then went back to his canvas.

Brian stood at the doorway for a second then turned. “By the way, whatever happened to the fiddler? It’s been a while since we’ve heard about him.”

Justin was staring at his canvas nibbling at the wooden end of a broad paint brush. “He fell off the roof,” Justin quipped then began to add more paint to his canvas. Brian nodded then walked away.

 

*****

“Holy Pride, Batman!” Brian murmured when he flipped open the album and spied the picture. “How the hell did she get a hold of this? I wonder who took it?”

“What picture?” Justin asked as he entered their kitchen looking for a mug of hot tea. He had heard the kettle whistle and figured Brian had put on a pot of water.

“This one,” Brian tapped the photo.

“I gave it to Joan. A reporter was taking random pictures that day. When I became a little famous, he sent it to me in care of Sidney. I kept it. Joan wanted to include something from your … our past that was special. I can’t think of anything more special than that day when Stockwell was defeated.”

“That was one hell of a day. We voted against that homophobic prick and I lost everything I had.”

“Not everything,” Justin murmured as he slipped onto Brian’s lap. The lovers gently kissed, nibbling on each other’s lips.

“That was a very important day for the land of Liberty,” Brian whispered.

“Yes, it was. I wish more people knew of your generosity and the risks you took that day.”

“You mean the risk that the Committee of Concerned Citizens took that day.”

“Whatever.”

“Justin, I didn’t do it for them, not just for them. I did it for…”

“I know who you did it for. I was so proud of you and flattered, but it really didn’t matter why you did it. The point is that you DID do it. And it worked. A murder had been solved and those involved were brought to justice and the whole mess made public.”

“Some by their own hands.”

“Yes, but Pittsburgh was saved from potentially making the worst mistake of its life. And we owe it all to you.”

“Uh uh.”

“Ah, yes, we owe it all to the committee.”

“Wrong again, Sunshine. They owe it all to you and your prop-art.”

“Can we call it a tie?” Justin beamed at Brian.

“That’ll work,” Brian smiled smugly. “You know I learned a lot back then,” he said after a moment’s reflection.

“Oh, yeah, like what?”

“Like I hate violin music.”

“No you don’t, you only hate the violinist and only one violinist in particular. What else did you learn?”

“That material things aren’t worth shit if you don’t have the right person to share them with.”

“Yeah? Like who?”

“Fishing again, Sunshine?” Brian teased.

“Maybe.”

“Like you, the kids and our family.”

“What else did you learn?”

“What am I, Dorothy?”

“If the ruby slippers fit…” Justin laughed as Brian gently shoved Justin off his lap to make him a cup of tea. “I learned a lot about you and about how to be the best homosexual I could be. And about being the best person I could be.”

“I guess we both learned a few things back then,” Brian said as he placed the mug of tea on the counter. Justin took a seat on one of the stools, blowing on the piping hot brew.

“When is Gus going to New York?” Justin asked, changing the subject before it became maudlin.

“Not sure. I thought he was going to spend New Year’s Eve with Ray but unless he leaves today, that won’t happen.”

“Another new year. When did time get away from me?”

“Feeling old, Sunshine?” Brian teased. “I’m the one who’s going to be fifty soon. You will remain a youthful thirty-eight. Of course the fact that you still look twenty-five does wonders for my ego,” Brian said as he feigned the wounded diva.

“Oh waa! Poor baby, like you look your age. I keep having this fear that all of a sudden I’m going to lose my ‘youthful’ look all in one shot. I’ll wake up one day looking old and wrinkled, while twenty year old twinks are still vying for your attention.”

“And they call me a drama queen.” Brian rolled his eyes. “Can we both agree that we’re fabulous and will age gracefully?”

“I like that,” Justin answered after seemingly pondering the suggestion. “If Gus is going to spend New Year’s Eve with us, why don’t we make a nice night of it?”

“I don’t think I’m in the mood for a party.”

“I don’t think anyone is, but that doesn’t mean we can’t put together some hors d'oeuvres to eat while we watch the ball drop. Emm and his boys are on the lane. Michael and Ben are still here and Rachel and George. We can have a nice evening with them then kick everyone out.”

“I like your thinking, Sunshine.” Justin smiled. “I’ll call the party fairy, I’m sure he can rustle up something from our meager larders.”

“Meager larders? Have you been reading Jane Austen again? Go, make your calls. I must be one with my paints again while the inspiration is hot. Take an inventory of our meager larders before you call Emmett so he knows what he has to work from,” Justin instructed before he left the kitchen.

“You are so smart. How did I ever manage without you?” Brian pecked Justin’s cheek as he passed.

“You didn’t,” Justin said with a smug smile. 

 

 

 The First Fifty

Chapter 8

 

36 – 40

“Someone’s looking mighty smug,” Brian observed as Gus joined them in the living room. Gus had been in his room for a long time, and Bree had already been sent to bed. “Tell your old Pop what you’ve been up to, Sonny Boy?” he singsonged to Gus.

Gus blushed, but didn’t answer.

“Leave him alone, Brian,” Justin cautioned.

“I can handle my old Pop,” Gus said with a cocky smile as he stressed the word old.

“You don’t have to get nasty,” Brian said pretending to be hurt.

“How’s Ray?” Justin asked, changing the subject, having surmised that Gus had been on the phone with his lover in New York.

“Ray is just fine,” Gus replied with a big smile.

“I’m sure,” Brian threw in with his patented smirk.

“I’m going to make some cocoa,” Justin said as he stood up. He had a feeling Gus wanted to talk to his father some more. Joan’s album had been a jumping off point for some long overdue revelations between father and son.

There was a long silence after Justin left the room. Brian stared at his son wondering what Gus would bring up next, and Gus was staring at Brian wondering how to broach the subject he was interested in.

Gus picked up Joan’s album and opened it to the area where they had last viewed it. He raised his eyes to his father. “Pop, how come there aren’t many pictures of me as a child and none with Grandma Joan until … after Bree?”

This was not at all what Brian had been expecting. Brian knew he needed to be truthful with Gus. “Your grandmother didn’t know about you for many years.”

“Why not?”

“I thought it was better if you didn’t meet your grandmother … the way she was back then.” 

Gus took in his father’s words. That did make sense. Gus knew that Joan had been pretty screwed up with a toxic mix of bigotry and alcohol back in those days. But there was something else Gus wanted to know. “Were…were you ashamed of me?”

“Christ, NO! I loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you, even though I … tried not to.”

Gus’ mouth dropped open. “Why, why would you not want to love me?” Gus asked obviously horrified by what Brian had just said.

“Maybe I can answer that,” Justin said as he came in with his mugs of cocoa on a tray. When everyone had one, he sat down beside Brian. “Brian had a lot of trouble accepting our relationship. It took quite a while before we were monogamous.”

“What does that have to do with me?” Gus demanded.

“It’s all part of the same feeling that Brian had. He thought he wasn’t worthy of love.” Brian raised an eyebrow but kept his mouth shut. “He thought I would leave him again. And he thought you were better off with your moms, better off without him. He was afraid if he loved you too much, you would be taken away from him, or worse, you’d find out about all his flaws and reject him.”

“Is that true, Pop?”

Brian wiped at his eyes. It was hard listening to Justin dissect his motives so easily, especially when he got right to the heart of the matter. Brian merely nodded.

“I love you, Pop, everything you were, everything you are and everything you will be.”

“I know that now,” Brian said, “but back then…”

Gus thought for a moment while Justin and Brian took sips of their cocoa trying to get their emotions under control. “You didn’t see much of me during that time, did you?”

Brian shook his head. “I was still the consummate club boy, busy building my future in advertising, screwing my brains out. I didn’t let myself think about being a father. I wish I could change all that, but I can’t. That’s just the way I was.”

“When did that change, Pop?” Gus asked.

“There were a lot of little things that happened, but mostly it has to do with this tenacious bulldog,” Brian said nuzzling Justin’s neck and squeezing him hard.

Justin chuckled, “Yeah, bulldog,” he said with a grin.

 

*****

 

“How did I ever let you talk me into this?” Brian asked.

“You love me,” Justin replied, as he worked on the itinerary for their trip to South America.

“And you choose to lead me on a wild goose chase.”

“I do. We’re going to find out about your family … and mine.”

“We already did,” Brian reminded him. “I found my brother. And that has transformed my life,” Brian admitted.

Justin smiled. “And finding out about your family history will transform you even more.

“Only if you’re with me.”

“That goes without saying. I’ll always be with you.”

 

*****

 

“I wish I had known you back then,” Gus said.

“No you don’t,” Brian corrected his son. “I’m not ashamed of what I was, but I’m a much better person now than I was then.”

“You were always the way you were meant to be,” Justin averred.

“I just had a lot to learn.”

“And you did. Life is a learning curve for us all.”

“Pop?” Gus said thoughtfully. “What if I had been like you?”

“Like me? What do you mean?” Brian asked.

“What if I had wanted to be the Stud of Liberty Avenue?”

Brian snorted. Gus looked a little hurt. “I don’t mean you couldn’t have done that,” Brian said quickly. “I just don’t know why that would be your aspiration.”

“It was good enough for you,” Gus stated.

“For a while, but it grows old pretty fast, and there’s no future in it,” Brian admitted.

Gus smiled at his father. “You think I could have been the Stud of Liberty?”

“I think you can do anything you want to do. Hopefully though, I raised a much smarter son than his old man. I did everything I could to make you have choices that mattered.”

“You did a great job, Pop.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m going to bed. See you two in the morning.”

“Night, Gus,” Brian and Justin said together. 

Justin leaned into Brian and kissed him tenderly. “I love you so much. You are a wonderful man,” Justin told his husband.

“I hope Gus sees it that way … in spite of all my failings in the past.”

“They made you the man you are today. Let’s go to bed.”

The Kinney-Taylor house settled for the night.

 

*****

 

“Hi. Where is everybody?” John called out as he came up the spiral staircase and into Brian’s office. 

John had been working in his own office when he realized that the cottage had grown very quiet except for Justin’s painting music. He looked over his balcony, briefly watching Justin in one of his inspiration moments, painting at top speed. He checked his watch; the sky was already growing darker even though it was only about 4:30 in the afternoon. 

When John came down his stairs to ask Justin where everyone was, all he got was a non-specific grunt in response. Undeterred, John went to see Brian.

“Your spouse and my son took your son and my daughter for a drive to see all the holiday decorations,” Brian explained with his usual flair and snark. “Justin is painting and I am taking advantage of the relative quiet to review contracts.”

“Thank you, Walter Cronkite,” John said as he sat on the futon. “Is this the infamous album?” John spied Joan’s album on the coffee table. “May I?” John asked his brother before venturing to touch it. Brian shrugged.

“This is beautiful,” John murmured as he caressed the fine leather cover. “Joan had an eye for quality, must be where you got yours from.” John heard a soft snort from his brother. He gingerly opened up the album. “Wow. How did she collect all of this?” John asked in wonder.

“It seems old Joanie had help in the form of our little Mary Sunshine.” Brian glared over his monitor.

“He is a clever little devil, isn’t he?” John chuckled. “Seems he learned his lessons well,” John observed as he turned the pages. “You’re a good teacher; deal with it, little bro.” John laughed again as he heard the grumbles and curses emanating from Brian’s desk.

“Seriously, this album is amazing. She’s captured very special moments in your life. Important moments. I hope you can appreciate that.” John looked up and gave Brian a poignant look. Brian nodded contritely. John turned a few more pages.

“The treehouse!” John exclaimed fondly. “Did she get this picture from Justin?”

 

 

Brian nodded.

“You know, that week was one of the best times of my entire life,” John honestly admitted. “I learned a lot about you. I learned a lot about myself too.”

“What did you learn?” Brian glanced over the top of his monitor.

“That there is a kind heart under all of your bravado. And that I am so glad that you allowed Justin to talk you into pursuing his Sunshine File.”

 Brian said nothing; his computer monitor hid the lump that he felt forming in his throat.

“I had so much fun teaching you all the fine art of construction. My mother did too.”

“I learned something that week too.”

“What?”

“That your mother is a devil in disguise and that I really don’t like frogs!”

 

The brothers cracked up laughing.

“I swear, Brian, the look on your face when that bullfrog was inches away from your nose, was priceless. I have never seen a naked man run so fast.”

“Oh ha ha! I’m a city boy at heart. All that wild life is scary.”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire,” John singsonged. “You may have grown up in the city but you turned into a country boy,” John teased.

“If you break into John Denver, I’m outta here,” Brian groused. John giggled.

“Admit it, Brian. You love it out here in the middle of nowhere. You are the king of all you survey. Not only that, you are a fair and wise king. And one helluva gardener. Better than anyone I could hire.”

“If you were going to hire someone, you’d hire Todd,” Brian said nonchalantly as he opened up another document.

“Speaking about Todd, can I ask you about him?”

“What about him?”

“When he first became a part of our extended family, I overheard Emmett and Michael talking about him. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I was eavesdropping.” 

Brian smirked as John blushed. “My, my, my! My so proper, politically correct big brother, eavesdropping? It must be the first sign of the apocalypse,” Brian teased.

“Brian,” John growled.

“Fine. What did you hear?”

“That Todd spent most of his time in the backroom of Babylon?”

“It’s true, and I bet if you ask him about it, he’d be honest with you and tell you about it.”

“I think not. I like the man who is your business partner. And I’m overjoyed that he and Gerry appear to be on their way to a lasting relationship.”

“John, Todd had fun. He had a lot of fun. And he played safe.”

“Then I’ll leave it at that.”

John turned a few more pages then stopped as Justin turned up the music.

“What the hell is that noise that he’s listening to?” John asked, making a face. Brian snickered.

“That, my dear brother, is Moby. That so called music has sustained Justin for many years while being the bane of my existence,” Brian said with a put upon sigh for effect as he placed his hand over his heart. 

John did a double take then burst into belly laughs. Brian strained to maintain his composure, sucking his lips into his mouth then he too burst out laughing. The brothers laughed so hard that tears rolled down their faces. Brian stood up, crossed over to the futon then pulled his brother into his arms.

“Thank you,” Brian whispered.

“You’re welcome,” John whispered back and he hugged back. “For what?”

“For caring. For making me laugh. For being my brother. For countless other things that I can’t possibly name. I’m so glad Justin found you and Claire. Thank you for turning me into a country boy.”

The brothers stared into each other’s eyes for a second then sang loud, “Thank God I’m a country boy!” They burst out again into laughter.

“What’s going on up here?” The brothers froze looking like a pair of guilty kids. Justin stood in the doorway with his hands on his hips.

“Nothing!” the brothers said together. 

“Nothing? I find two grown men laughing like a pair of hyenas and singing off key; and you call that nothing?”

“Sunshine, I swear to you I was quietly sitting up here, diligently working on some new contracts,” Brian pointed toward his computer for effect, “when John came up here and disturbed me. He started singing a John Denver song. John Denver! Can you believe that?” Brian wore his most innocent expression.

“I, I…he…oh man!” John was all flustered.

Justin looked back and forth at the brothers then crossed his arms over his chest. “Uh huh. I know it spells trouble for me when the two of you get in this mood. I can believe just about anything from you, Brian. But you, John, really!”

“Me?! What did I do?” John asked, his voice rising an octave higher, staring at Brian and Justin.

Justin and Brian cracked up.

“You got me, didn’t you?” John deadpanned as he gave the two conniving partners a glare. Brian and Justin laughed louder.

“We’ve known each other for what, fifteen years and lived together for six? I should have known better,” John groused. “Okay, I bow to the master,” John said making a low bow to Justin. “And you too, little bro,” John said, ruffling his brother’s hair.

“Hey, watch the hair! Protect me, Sunshine,” Brian shouted as he maneuvered away from John to get behind Justin. 

Justin laughed. He was so happy and a bit relieved to see Brian laughing and joking around with his brother. Things almost felt normal again. He stood still while John chased Brian around him.

“Okay, you two, time out!” Justin shouted. “The guys should be coming home soon and I haven’t got a clue about dinner. I could use your help.”

“Your wish is my command, Sunshine,” Brian purred as he leaned down to kiss Justin’s cheek. Justin smiled smugly.

“Let’s go to my kitchen, I’m in the mood for grilled cheese,” John said.

“With bacon?” Justin asked.

“And tomatoes?” Brian added.

John shook his head at them. “With anything you want. Let’s go!” 

John led them to his kitchen where they lovingly began dinner for their family.

 

*****

 

“We saw beautiful wreaths and big bows and Santa Claus and reindeers,” Bree said enthusiastically. She had really enjoyed looking at all the Christmas decorations around Bridgeton. Many people used old fashioned decorations that were simple but very beautiful. There were some Christmas lights, but many of the houses were more beautiful in the daylight than at night.

“Breathe, Bree,” Justin cautioned.

“I hafta breathe, Daddy, or I would … die,” Bree said, almost immediately regretting her words, since it reminded everyone of her Gamma Joan.

“What did you think, Patrick?” John asked, immediately deflecting the topic to something else.

“They were okay,” Patrick said, “but I think decorations are a girl thing.”

“Are not!” Bree contradicted. Patrick shrugged.

“Us men folk get to put them up for the women folk,” Bobby said with a twinkle in his eye. “I remember Dad and I having to decorate the house under the careful eyes of Mom and Rachel.”

“But you didn’t mind, did you, Uncle Bobby?” Bree asked.

“No, it was fun climbing the ladder and holding stuff for my dad.”

“Did you have lots of decorations, Daddy?” Bree asked.

“Yeah, your Grandma Jenn loved to make the house look festive. She had little villages all over the house, and lots of lights outside,” Justin explained.

Bree frowned. “I didn’t see no villages at her house,” she said. “Doesn’t she have them anymore?”

Justin looked at his daughter and then stared off into space for a minute. “There were a lot of things that Mom gave up when she and dad split. I think she sold the villages. They were worth quite a bit of money.” Justin had a sad, faraway look on his face.

Brian leaned over and pulled Justin into a hug. He kissed Justin’s cheek, and then said, “At the Kinney house, on the other hand, we had the same tree with the same decorations every year of my childhood.”

Justin looked up at Brian and went to say something. Brian kissed him quickly to keep him from speaking.

“That’s good, Dada. They must have been real pretty,” Bree said. 

“Yeah, pretty,” Brian repeated. He did his best not to sound sarcastic. “How about some Christmas cookies for dessert?”

“Yay, cookies!” Patrick and Bree both yelled.

“Coming up,” John said. “Good save,” he whispered to his brother as he got up to get the cookies.

Justin merely leaned against his husband. Brian was the best.

 

 

The First Fifty

Chapter 9

 

41 – 45

It was late at Edna’s Treasures. Patrick and Bree had long since been put to bed. Gus had been in his room on the phone with Ray for what seemed like hours. It was cold and blustery outside. Brian and Justin were sitting on the sofa in their living room in front of a roaring fire just relaxing and listening to some jazz.

“It’s been a good Christmas,” Justin observed.

“Yeah,” Brian agreed succinctly.

Justin leaned against his husband and looked into his eyes. A little smirk crept onto his face. “You know, for a man who makes his living with words, you have so little to say sometimes.”

“What’s the point of using twelve words when one will suffice?”

Unable to argue with that logic, Justin merely kissed his husband. Things were getting a little heated when someone cleared their throat.

“Get a room, you two,” Gus teased.

“I thought you would be basking in the afterglow of phone sex,” Brian snarked as he and Justin shifted unwillingly and moved a bit farther apart.

“I was,” Gus said with a chuckle, “but I’m thirsty.”

“Good sex will do that to you,” Brian observed.

“You would know,” Gus added with a wink.

“Hot chocolate?” Justin asked before either Brian or Gus could continue their battle of words.

“Yes, please,” Gus replied immediately. “I can make some.”

Justin stood up. “You and your dad can talk. I’ll make it.”

Gus nodded and sat down in the armchair. He picked up Joan’s album that had been out on a table during the whole holiday period.

“Aren’t you sick of family crap?” Brian asked. Even though he hadn’t really enjoyed these talks with Gus, they hadn’t been as bad as he had suspected they would be. In some strange way it had been cathartic for Brian to talk about some of the less pleasant aspects of his childhood and of his later life. He had to admit that Gus was very non-judgmental and that made it much easier. Somehow, out of his screwed up upbringing, Brian felt he had done a good job with his son. Gus was a wonderful young man.

“Family crap, as you so cheerfully call it, is what I call family history. I like learning about it.” 

Brian merely nodded as Gus flipped open the album. It fell open near the back where Gus had got to so far in his investigation of all things Kinney. Gus flipped over a couple of pages that he had already looked at. Brian noted that the album was fast drawing to a end, kind of like Joan’s life had, and his own life would eventually.

“Pop?” Gus said.

“Hm, yeah?”

“Where were you just then?”

Brian hesitated for a moment. “I was thinking about your grandmother,” he admitted.

“I miss her.”

“Me too.”

Gus looked at the picture on the page to which the album was now opened. “I haven’t seen this picture before,” Gus said as he stared at it.

Brian leaned over and looked. A little smile curled the corners of his mouth, as Justin came from the kitchen carrying a tray with mugs of hot chocolate. He looked at the picture as he set the tray down.

“That was the day we brought Bree home from the hospital,” Justin informed Gus.

“Pop, you look...”

“Happy,” Brian supplied with a smirk. 

“Terrified.”

“He was,” Justin said with a laugh. Brian glared at him. “We both were, but at least I had done some babysitting as a teenager, and we had helped a bit with Patrick.”

“What was it like, Pop?” Gus asked. “I sometimes think about what it would be like if Ray and I had a baby.”

“He’s not pregnant, is he?” Brian asked in mock horror.

“Poppppp!” Gus said.

“Brian, behave,” Justin chastised.

Brian sucked in his lips and looked at his son. “Gus,” he said after a minute, “does it bother you that we have a plethora of pictures of Bree at all stages of her life, and not so many of you as a child?” This had been a nagging thought for him all through the family discussions with his son. He needed to know that Gus was all right with it.

Gus thought about that for a second or two. “Pop, I know you left things to my mothers. You weren’t ready to be a fulltime father back then.” Brian nodded. “But I’m happy you got to experience that with Bree.” Brian smiled at his very smart son. “So, tell me about bringing Bree home.”

 

*****

 

“Are you ready?” Brian asked as Justin finished strapping Bree into her car seat.

“Yeah, I’m going to sit in the back with her.”

“That’s a good idea.”

“Drive carefully,” Justin cautioned.

“I always do,” Brian averred.

“Yeah, sure,” Justin said sliding into the backseat of the Jeep beside his daughter. He had ridden with Brian in all sorts of circumstances, many of which could hardly be classified as safe.

Brian pulled out of the hospital parking lot. He headed for home. There was a long silence in the car. Justin was constantly adjusting the blanket around his sleeping daughter. 

Finally, Justin said, “Do you think we can do this?”

“Isn’t it a little late to have doubts?” Brian asked pointedly.

Justin made a face, and Brian thought he could see tears well up as he looked at Justin in the rearview mirror.

“Sunshine,” Brian said gently. “We can do this. We have Debbie and your mother who can help us, and John and Bobby.”

“I know, but…”

“It’s okay to be worried. I’m … terrified.”

Justin couldn’t help but smile. He knew how hard that was for Brian to admit. “I suppose we could always ask Lindsay and Melanie for help,” Justin said wickedly as the thought struck him.

“That’ll be the day when I ask Melanie Marcus for help with our daughter!”

Justin smiled then. “I like it when you call her our daughter.”

“Well, she is, isn’t she?” Brian asked looking into Justin’s eyes in the rearview mirror.

“One hundred percent!”

“Do you think she’ll like her room?” Brian asked out of nowhere.

“She’s two days old. She won’t know where she is.”

“Our daughter will know everything,” Brian averred.

“Then she’ll love her chamber of pink froth and lace.”

“Do you think it’s too pink?” Brian asked with a frown.

“I think it’s perfect. She’ll develop her taste from us, you know. If we like it, she’ll like it.”

“Then maybe I can get her to appreciate Prada and Zegna.”

“Undoubtedly,” Justin agreed.

“Is she still breathing?”

“She’s sleeping, Brian. Just be thankful that she’s sleeping. When she cries, our job really begins.”

“Perhaps a little shot of Beam,” Brian suggested.

“You are so bad.”

“I’m just saying…”

“Drive, and concentrate on the road,” Justin commanded. “I want to get home in one piece.” 

“Yes, master,” Brian replied contritely.

It wasn’t long until they arrived at Edna’s Treasures. John and Bobby met them in the driveway, cooing over the baby, and snapping pictures all the way into the house. They didn't realize that they were documenting the next phase in the saga of Brian and Justin.

 

*****

 

“You’ve got a funny look on your face.”

“What look is that, Sunshine?”

“I’m not sure. Like you’re remembering something but I can’t tell if it’s a good memory or a sad one,” Justin said as he sat next to his spouse. The album was resting on the kitchen table as Brian waiting for the coffeemaker to do its thing. Justin put the kettle on for tea.

“Both,” Brian sighed then momentarily changed the subject. “Is everything ready for tonight?” Brian asked referring to their little New Year’s get together with the folks on the lane.

“Yes, the larders have been inventoried. The provisions have been procured and the preparation is in progress,” Justin teased. Brian chuckled. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“Just remembering all that happened when Bree was little,” Brian said softly.

“Like what?”

“So many things, too many things.”

“Name a few.” Justin got up to tend to the whistling tea kettle and fix Brian a mug of coffee.

“Well, for one thing we got the Jason Kemp Center up and running,” Brian said as he waited for his coffee to cool down a little.

“What else?” Justin urged.

“Lacy became a member of our family,” Brian said with a smirk.

“She did have an impact on us,” Justin giggled.

“What’s so funny?” Gus asked as he walked into the kitchen in search of a snack.

“Just recalling when Lacy became a part of our family, Sonny Boy,” Brian snarked. 

Gus groaned. “I had a big crush on her, didn’t I?”

“Yes, but don’t feel bad,” Brian said with a pat to Gus’ back. “If I recall, she had a crush on Justin. It seems we have an interesting way with lesbians and women in general,” Brian teased. Justin nearly snorted tea through his nose.

“And I recall one woman in particular had a crush on you, Bri,” Justin laughed.

“Who had a crush on you, Pop?”

“She didn’t have a crush on me; we had an understanding,” Brian said smugly.

“Who?” Gus demanded to know.

“Edna!” Brian and Justin said.

“I wish I remembered her,” Gus said wistfully.

“You were only six when she came here for John and Bobby’s wedding. I still miss her,” Brian murmured. Justin kissed the side of his head.

“We all miss her,” Justin said with a nod. “If she were alive, I bet she would have come to Bree’s christening.”

“And she’d drink us under the table,” Brian added with a snort. “Edna was one hell of a woman!” Brian raised his coffee mug in salute.

“You know we’re overlooking one very important event that happened when we were having fun with lesbians back then,” Justin laughed as he remembered their time in Florida. He gave Brian a look then glanced at Gus.

“Ah yes,” Brian agreed.

“You mind letting me in on the secret,” Gus said with a glare.

“We met our future in-laws in Florida,” Brian snarked as he casually took another sip of coffee.

It took a second but Gus finally put the pieces together.

“Oh ha ha, but yeah, I guess that was an important time,” Gus said then became serious. “Dad, Jus, I’m really happy and grateful that you became friends with Simon and Ken.”

“I bet you are,” Brian smirked.

“Well, duh, but that’s not the only reason. I really like them. It’s nice to meet another same sex couple.”

“We know a lot of same sex couples,” Justin said not understanding what Gus was getting at.

“Yes, but they’re different.”

“How?” Brian asked, truly interested in what his son meant.

“When I was little, the moms sort of surrounded themselves with other lesbian couples. And well, the moms didn’t always…” Gus looked away for a moment.

“The moms didn’t always get along,” Justin carefully supplied. 

Gus nodded. “Simon and Ken are different, they really love each other and don’t argue,” Gus said sadly.

“Gus, all couples argue,” Justin said with a shrug. He looked at Brian for help. He really didn’t know what to say to comfort Gus.

“But not like the moms,” Gus whispered. “Sometimes I thought they’d be able to fix it, ya know?” Gus asked as he gazed into his father’s eyes. Brian brought his son into a hug. “Sometimes I thought you’d be able to fix it.”

Brian nodded against Gus’ ear. He had tried, several times but not even the great Brian fucking Kinney could fix Lindsay and Mel’s relationship. And he did try.

“Gus…” Brian began.

“I know, Pop, it’s over and it has been for a very long time but that doesn’t mean I stopped wishing.”

“I know, Sonny Boy. In some weird way, I had hoped it would work out, but your Mom’s happy now.”

“With Chaarrlless,” Gus said, exaggerating the name of Lindsay’s new boyfriend. Gus rolled his eyes.

“I like Mr. Charles,” Bree said as she joined her fathers and brother in the kitchen. She climbed up to sit on Gus’ lap. “He’s nice and he talks like Hudson. I like Hudson,” Bree declared, end of subject.

“I like Hudson too,” Gus agreed, not daring to argue with his sister.

“Now that we have that established,” Brian said, “what time is this shindig tonight?” 

“We were thinking maybe nine?” Justin suggested. “That way we have plenty of time for dinner, clean up, relax then put the hors d’oeuvres out.”

“Sounds like a plan. A few nibbles, some drinks, we watch the ball drop then off to bed,” Brian exclaimed then made a face. “When did I become so old that the most exciting part of my evening is kicking people out of my house and going to bed?”

Gus laughed. “You’re not old, you just have your priorities straight.” Gus grinned then glanced at Justin.

“Yeah,” Justin agreed as he elbowed his spouse. “You know, I could use a nap so I’ll have lots of energy for later.

“A nap?” Brian asked incredulously as he grabbed Justin’s wrist to check the time.

“Yes, a nap.” Justin stared into Brian’s eyes, willing him to understand. The light bulb clicked on.

“Oooh, a nap.” Brian stood to make an exaggerated stretch and yawn. “I think I can use a nap too. May I join you?” Brian asked politely.

“Of course, you may,” Justin answered in kind.

“If you two will excuse us, us old folks are going to take a nap,” Brian said to Gus and Bree as he offered his arm to his spouse. Justin took the proffered arm.

“And what are we supposed to do while you two are napping?” Gus asked as his fathers walked out of the kitchen.

“You’re a smart boy, I’m sure you’ll think of something,” Brian said as he and Justin laughed.

“Yeah, right,” Gus grumbled.

“It’s okay, Gus, I keep you company,” Bree said reassuringly. Gus hugged his sister.

 

*****

 

After a very satisfying ‘nap’, Brian and Justin cuddled, quietly talking.

“You’re almost to the end of your album,” Justin stated. He was aimlessly tracing patterns across Brian’s chest with his finger.

“Mmm.”

“You’ve been very brave.”

Brian snorted. “Why don’t you tell me how it ends, Sunshine.”

“What?”

“How the album ends.”

“Brian, it’s only a photo album. It doesn’t have magical powers.”

“Doesn’t it? It’s forced me to remember things I long forgot.”

“I didn’t think anything could force you to do anything that you didn’t want to do.”

“You forced me to love you.”

“Did I?”

“Yes, you did. You used your magic and cast a spell on me.”

“I didn’t know I had magical powers. I thought only Rage had powers.”

“You are in error. You have very special powers, stronger than Rage.”

“What kind of powers do I have?” Justin kissed a pert nipple.

“I thought that was obvious.” Brian slightly turned toward Justin. Justin’s kiss was more than innocent. “You have Sunshine powers,” Brian murmured then captured Justin’s lips.

It was time for another ‘nap.’

 

***** 

 

“Hi, Uncle Ben!” Bree said as the big man walked through the front door. He was carrying a couple of bags.

“Hi, princess. Where are your daddies?”

“They’re taking a nap.”

“Oh, a nap. Did they leave you all by yourself?”

“No, I was looking at Dada’s book with Gus.” Bree pointed to the album on the table. Ben put the contents of his bags in the refrigerator.

“It’s beautiful,” Ben exclaimed as he touched the cover then opened it. “Where did it come from?”

“Gamma Joan made it for my Dada. Daddy helped,” Bree proudly stated.

Ben flipped through several pages then stopped when he got to some pictures of New York City. There were several pictures of the Thanksgiving Day Parade. And of the dinner they all shared with Simon and Ken. It reminded Ben of the Thanksgiving that just passed, their whole family together except for Joan.

“Don’t be sad, Uncle Ben,” Bree said. She seemed to read Ben’s mind.

“What makes you think I’m sad?”

“Because...” Bree said softly as she looked down at the floor. She thought she said something wrong.

“It’s okay, Briana, I’m not angry. Tell me why you think I’m sad.” Ben lifted the petite child up and sat her on the kitchen counter.

“My Dada looks like that when he looks in the book. He misses my Gamma,” Bree explained. “I miss her too.” Her eyes began to glisten with unshed tears.

“It’s okay, Bree. You haven’t said anything wrong. And your grandmother was a very lovely lady. We all miss her. Now, when your daddies get up from their, um, nap. Tell them I brought over the cheese and fruit. It’s in the refrigerator. Can you do that for me?”

“No problem, Uncle Ben!” Ben lifted Bree off the counter, kissed her little nose then set her on her feet.

“We’ll see you later.”

“Later!” Bree responded then skipped out of the kitchen.

 

The First Fifty

Chapter 10

 

46-50

“Hey, Bri, who was that on the phone?” 

The boys had awakened from their ‘nap’ with plenty of time to do some work before preparing dinner. Justin, feeling renewed, decided to paint. Brian had calls to make. When it was time to start dinner, Justin cleaned off his brushes and hoisted his latest painting to the rafters. He noticed that Brian was still up in his office and went to join him.

“Hmm? Oh, that was Carl.”

“Carl? Is everything all right?”

“They’re fine. I needed some information so I figured I’d go to the source.”

“Okay. Did he help?”

“Yeah, he did.”

“Brian, are you deliberately trying to piss me off?” Justin asked with his hands on his hips. Brian was being too vague for Justin’s liking.

“Come here, Sunshine.” Brian pushed away from his desk then patted his lap. Justin made a face but crossed the office to sit in Brian’s lap. 

“You do know I’m thirty-eight,” Justin deadpanned.

“I don’t care how old you or I get, I will always want your ass in my lap,” Brian purred into Justin’s ear. Justin smiled and gave Brian a kiss.

“Spill,” Justin commanded, undeterred.

“A few days ago I found something in the album. A phone number. A very old phone number so I asked Carl to see if he had any contacts left in the police force who’d be willing to track down the person who belongs to that number.”

“And did he?”

“Yes, and he didn’t have to go to any extremes. The number and the family hasn’t changed in over thirty years.”

“So who does the number belong to?”

“It now belongs to Christopher Thackeray.”

“And who is Christopher Thackeray?”

“The grandson of a very nice man who tried to teach me about honesty. He...” Brian faltered, the ad man was unable to find the right words to describe the kindly librarian who gave respite to a lonely battered boy.

“It’s okay, I don’t need details,” Justin whispered as he threw his arms around his spouse. “Did you call Christopher Thackeray?”

“Not yet. I’m not sure what to say.”

“Just what you told me. His grandfather was a nice man who was kind to you,” Justin suggested. Brian nodded his head then picked up the phone. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No. Stay.” Justin nodded. He leaned back against Brian’s chest to give Brian a little more room to make his call.

“Christopher Thackeray?” Brian said as the phone was answered. “My name is Brian Kinney. You don’t know me but I knew your grandfather.”

Justin watched as a small smile crept across Brian’s face.

“You know who I am?”

Justin didn’t have to hear the other half of the conversation; he could imagine what Christopher was saying.

“Yes, Kinnetik, that Brian Kinney. And the Committee for Concerned Citizens. That was a very long time ago,” Brian laughed. “Mr. Thackeray ... all right, Chris, I’m Brian. I know this is probably the wrong time but I just came across your number. Your grandfather gave it to me when I was a kid. I just wanted to say that he was a very nice man. He was very kind to me when, ah...yes, he did have a very big heart. He was very proud of you and your father. Retired? Scottsdale. It’s very warm there. Yes. I, uh, just wanted to say thank you. Sure. I will, the next time I’m in Pittsburgh. Good night and Happy New Year.”

Brian hung up the phone. He leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes and taking a cleansing breath.

“You okay?” Justin asked with concern. Brian nodded. “What did he say?”

“He knows me; knows of me.”

“Everybody knows you,” Justin teased, getting a little smirk from Brian.

“He wants to meet.”

“I think you should. He’d probably like to know more about his grandfather. Did you know him in Pittsburgh?” 

Brian shook his head. “I met him before we moved to the Pitts. I’d hang out at the library to do my homework. And...it was quiet there,” was all that Brian could say for the moment and Justin knew not to push.

Justin held Brian’s face in his hands, staring into the sad hazel eyes. “I love you, you know.” The eyes immediately changed from sad to mischievous.

“I know,” Brian smirked. 

The lovers kissed away the sadness of the past.

“It’s time to make dinner,” Justin wisely said.

“Go on.” Brian pushed Justin off his lap. “I’ll be down in a minute.” Justin smiled brilliantly.

“Later.”

“Later.”

“Dada?” they both heard just as Justin was about to descend the spiral staircase.

“He’s up here,” Justin responded then waited until Bree climbed up. “I’m going to start dinner. Do you want to help me?” Justin asked his daughter. Bree appeared to ponder the question.

“Okay, but I hafta talk to Dada first.”

“Is this something that can wait?” Justin asked. Bree shook her head, no. “Very important?” he asked. Bree nodded. “In that case I release you from your cooking chores. I’ll get the guys to help. But don’t be too long. I like eating my dinner hot.”

“It’s okay, Daddy. We won’t be too long,” Bree said maturely. Justin tried not to laugh at the cute but serious expression on his daughter’s face. He nodded, threw a shrug at Brian who was watching from his desk then went down the stairs.

“What’s so important, Squirt?” Brian swiveled his chair around so that Bree could climb up to sit in the lap that had been vacated by her father.

“When I was adopted, did I get a party too ... like Richie?” Big violet blue eyes stared into hazel ones demanding an answer.

“Bree, do you remember when Taylor was a baby?” Bree nodded. “What did he do?”

“He cried sometimes.”

“What else? Think about it. When Aunt Molly brought baby Taylor to the cottage, what did Taylor do?” 

Bree thought back to when Taylor was a tiny baby. “He slept a lot.” Brian nodded. “He pooped and peed in his diaper and then he’d sleep some more.” Brian smiled.

“If baby Taylor had a party, do you think he’d notice?” 

Briana shook her head. “But Richie had a party.”

“Richie is fourteen and he needed to feel a part of this family. He needed the party, to see that he has a family that wants him and loves him. You were a part of this family from the moment you were conceived. Do you know what conceived means?”

Bree nodded making her pigtails bop up and down. “We learned about babies in health class. An egg from a mommy and a sperm from a daddy meet and make a baby,” Bree recited, very proud of herself. 

Brian smiled. “You were wanted and loved from that very moment. You are your Daddy’s biological child. I adopted you, making you my child too.” Bree smiled her own sunshine smile for her Dada. “And Briana?” Bree heard the change in her Dada’s voice and saw the arch of his brow. She knew her father was very serious.

“Yes, Dada?”

“How many parties have you had?” 

Bree thought about all the parties her fathers had given her. The party with the pony rides and her pink princess party. She looked up into her Dada’s eyes. “A lot.” 

Brian nodded. “I think once a year to celebrate your birthday or a special accomplishment is more than enough.” 

Bree considered her father’s words. “But Dada, one can never have enough parties,” Bree said with a coy smile while batting her lashes. 

Brian glared then they both giggled. “That’s my girl!” Brian declared, hugging Bree close, making her shriek and laugh wildly. She peppered her father’s face with kisses.

“Hey, you two!” Bobby called up to them from the porch. “Dinner is almost ready.”

“We’re coming!” father and daughter replied.

“Let’s go, Squirt, our family awaits.”

“Okay, Dada.”

Father and daughter went down to join their family.

 

***** 

 

“This is good, Daddy,” Bree said as she stuffed another shrimp into her mouth.

“Jambalaya is your father’s specialty,” Brian observed with a wink at his husband. Justin raised an eyebrow but didn’t reply. “Remember the first time you made it for me?”

“Unfortunately I do,” Justin replied.

“Unfortunately?” Bobby asked.

“Let’s just say that my magnanimous gesture of preparing jambalaya for Brian was met with less than heartfelt thanks.”

“There were heartfelt thanks the second day,” Brian stated.

“Yeah, jambalaya’s better the second day,” Justin said with a meaningful look at Brian.

“I don’t think there will be any left for tomorrow,” John said as he helped himself to some more. He thought maybe there was more to this story, but perhaps this was not the time to pursue it.

“Can I have some more too, Dad?” Patrick asked. John scooped some more onto Patrick’s plate.

“Save a little for me,” Gus told his uncle.

“I should have tripled the recipe instead of doubling it,” Justin said shaking his head.

“It’s really good, Justin,” Bobby told him. “I should get the recipe from you, since everyone likes it so much.”

“It’s not hard,” Justin informed him.

Brian raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth to make one of his patented comments, but then he thought better of that too. He must really be getting old when he was censoring his own thoughts.

“I think the New Year is going to be a good one,” Gus said as he filled his plate with more jambalaya.

“We all know you’d rather be in New York,” Brian observed.

Gus frowned. “Pop, if I really wanted to be in New York, I’d be in New York. I chose to be here with you.”

“One last New Year’s with your dear old dad,” Brian snarked.

“What do you mean – last?” Gus asked.

“And what’s all this old shit?” John asked.

“You know what’s happening this year,” Justin said pointedly. He looked at those assembled around the table, and then over at Brian who refused to meet his gaze.

Then the light dawned on John. “Oh, you mean about a certain person, who shall remain nameless, turning fifty,” John said with a grin.

“Don’t remind me,” Brian griped.

“I’ve already been there, done that,” John said. “You’ll survive.”

Brian shook his head. “Maybe…”

“Are you having a midlife crisis?” Justin asked.

“I’m thinking about it,” Brian said with a pout on his face.

“You’ll always be young and beautiful to me,” Justin reminded him.

“Aw, that’s so sweet,” Gus said with a big grin.

Brian glared at his son. “I don’t feel like I’m young and beautiful.”

“But you are,” Bobby averred. “Everybody says so.”

“Everybody?” Brian asked with an eyebrow that threatened to disappear into his still elegant hairline.

“You know we all talk about you, don’t you?” John asked with a wicked wink for his brother.

Brian couldn’t help but chuckle at John. “You are an evil big brother … and you’ll always be older than me,” Brian added with a smug look on his face. John groaned.

“Pop?” Gus said wondering if he was the source of his father’s malaise. “Are you upset about your next birthday because of all the trips down memory lane that I’ve forced you into this week?”

“They didn’t help matters,” Brian responded without thinking about the effect his words might have on his son.

“Geez, I’m so sorry,” Gus said a stricken look on his face.

“It’s not your fault,” Brian hastily retracted. “It’s the album and Joan’s … death, and a lot of things.”

“It’s okay to be sad, Dada,” Bree told her father. “I miss Gamma Joan a lot. But she wouldn’t want us to be sad forever.”

“No, she wouldn’t,” Brian agreed with a little smile.

“There’s supposed to be a party here tonight, or so I’ve heard. I think everybody should find their party face and their party spirit,” Bobby advised.

“That sounds like an excellent plan,” John agreed.

“Dada, will you dance with me at the party?”

Brian looked at his smart and beautiful daughter. “How could I possibly refuse such a wonderful request,” he said.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

 

*****

 

“Hi! Hi! Hi!” Emmett called out as he entered the cottage in his inimitable style. He was loaded down with all manner of delectable goodies. Emmett’s men were following close behind with their arms full as well.

“Where the hell have you been?” Brian growled.

“Excusez-moi?”

“We haven’t been graced with your presence for days. Where’ve you been?” Brian asked more softly.

“Miss me?” Emmett teased, giving Brian his toothy grin.

“Yeah, I have,” Brian said as he took one of the boxes out of Emmett’s arms to bring it to the kitchen.

Emmett stood still, shocked for the moment. “We, um, thought you could use a little quiet time with your family,” Emmett finally said as he joined Brian in the kitchen. Drew and Richie brought their boxes and bags into the sun porch to give Emm and Brian a little privacy.

“How are you holding up, Honey?” Emmett ventured.

“Better,” Brian admitted. He and Emmett began to plate up Emmett’s hors d’ oeuvres. The platters and bowls quickly outgrew the counter so Emmett placed a large bowl on the kitchen table.

“What’s this?” Emmett asked, referring to the album.

“A gift from old Joanie.”

“It’s beautiful,” he said as he ran his hand over the tooled leather cover. “May I?” Emmett asked before he opened the book. 

Brian nodded then went to put a fresh pot of coffee on for those who didn’t want anything alcoholic. He also checked to see if the champagne and sparkling cider were chilling. He puttered around the kitchen to avoid watching Emmett.

“She loved you, honey. She left you proof of that right here.” Emmett reverently closed the book then stood up. He went to Brian then gazed into the moist hazel eyes. “Brian, I know you think that the gods stuck it to you again, but stop and think about it. Really think about it. Bree’s eight now, right?”

Brian nodded.

“You’ve had six solid years with Joan.” Brian rolled his eyes and tried to turn away. Emmett held onto to Brian’s arms. “I know your mother wasn’t your biggest supporter before Bree came along but she did love you. You both made mistakes and assumptions.”

“Yeah, we did,” Brian whispered.

“But you never totally abandoned her and she didn't abandon you. She was there, somewhere in the background, but she was there. Now think, Brian. There are those of us who haven’t had that much.” Emmett stood his ground as Brian connected the dots. Brian sharply inhaled.

“I’ve been selfish, haven’t I?”

“No, honey, you’ve been grieving. No one begrudges you that.” Emmett got the album and thrust it into Brian’s hands. “She gave you a wonderful gift, sweetie, don’t hide from it. Embrace it. Embrace it like you’ve embraced all of your challenges. Be proud of this, Brian. Nothing in your past can hurt you now. You have a big wonderful family. Take comfort from that.”

Brian nodded; he was feeling a little embarrassed about how he had been acting. Emmett seemed to read his thoughts.

“In the words of the great Cher in “Moonstruck”, snap out of it!” Emm grabbed Brian by the shoulders then gave him a good shake. Brian let out a short giggle.

“Are we good?” Emmett asked.

“We’re good,” Brian said with conviction.

“Excellent! Now, are we ready to par-tay?” Emmett smiled brightly as his friend.

“Yes, WE are, you big old fairy,” Brian groused, batting away Emmett’s hands. Emmett squealed.

“Dada!” Bree ran into the kitchen. She was wearing one of her pink party dresses.

“Look how beautiful you are!” Emmett exclaimed making Bree smile her own sunshiny smile. He took her little hand then swung her around.

“My Dada promised to dance with me,” Bree said looking up at her older father and her Auntie Emm.

“He did? Then why are we standing in the kitchen? Brian, you made a promise.” Emmett gave his friend a poignant look.

“Yes, I did.” 

Brian swooped up Bree into his arms then went to find the appropriate dancing music. Once he loaded up the CD player, Brian took Bree into the sun porch.

While the families of Edna’s Treasures were setting up for their party, Brian set Bree down in the middle of the porch.

“Miss Briana, may I have the honor of this dance?” Brian formally asked, making a low bow. 

Bree smiled then curtsied. “Oh, yes, Dada!”

As Brian twirled and danced his daughter around the sun porch, Gus took out his camera. 

“May I have this dance?” George asked Rachel. She nodded and the two began to slow dance.

“You feel up to a dance?” Ben asked Michael.

“Yes, I do,” Michael replied. He was getting stronger every day. He and Ben hoped to be back home in Pittsburgh soon.

“Are you getting this?” Justin leaned over to Gus who was standing off to one side.

“Yup,” Gus replied. “Pop looks good. The sadness is gone.”

“He needed you and his family. Thank you for staying. I know you miss spending this night with Ray.”

“Ray said we’ll have the rest of our lives together. My Pop gave me so much; I can give him this night.”

“You’re a very special young man, Gus Kinney.” Justin leaned up to peck Gus’ cheek.

John and Bobby finished their dance then came over to where Justin and Gus were standing.

“Go dance, we’ll take pictures,” John suggested to Gus and Justin, taking the camera from Gus. “Gus, go dance with your sister, she’d love it. Justin, dance with Brian.”

Gus handed the camera to John then went to cut in. He tapped his father on the shoulder. “May I cut in?” Gus asked formally just as his father had done. He then bowed to his sister. Bree curtsied then raised up her arms. Gus lifted her up into his arms.

“Bri, dance with me,” Justin asked softly as he moved into Brian’s arms.

And they danced.

 

*****

 

“Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five four, three, two, one…Happy New Year!

“Happy New Year, Mom,” Brian whispered as he raised his glass to toast in the New Year and Joan Kinney.