Chapter 1

Brian drove up the lane to Britin, happy to finally be home. It had been a long day at the office which had frustrated him greatly. He usually liked being at the office, liked the hustle and bustle of Kinnetik, enjoyed working with the other ad execs and the art department, he enjoyed meeting clients and charming them in the way only he could, but today had just not been a day like that.

Today had been a day of delays, cancellations and frustrations and he had been glad when the day had been over and it was time to head home.

Thankfully, the long drive home to Britin gave him the time to let go of any of those frustrations, so that by the time he had turned into the lane for Britin, he had only felt happy to be home again.

Happy to see Justin and his boys after having been away from them all day. God, if his own self from fifteen years ago could hear him, he would probably curse himself for having turned into what Brian had so derogatively refered to as a 'Stepford fag' back then, but really? He didn't care. His old self had been a character he had played and he hadn't been that man in years.

Long before Justin had come back into his life, he had left that man, the Stud of Liberty Avenue, behind and had become a father. And now that Justin had been back in his life for three years, he had also become a loving partner. Who would have thought that Brian Kinney would ever turn into a true family man? A man that enjoyed spending time with his sons and his partner way more than getting his dick sucked.

Oh, of course he still liked getting his dick sucked, no doubt about that and he and Justin still had a very healthy sex life, despite their busy lives raising two children and having two very successful careers, but at the end of the day, Justin was the only one that got to suck Brian's dick nowadays and if Brian was honest with himself, he liked it that way very much. In the last two and a half years he had become a happy and content man, something he had never expected his life to have in store for him.

He couldn't be happier than he was with his family and he was really looking forward to spending the evening with them and to let them work their magic on him. Brian was looking forward to hearing all about Gus' latest creation that he had painted under Justin's guidance and training, he was looking forward to hearing all about Luke's latest soccer practice and to maybe even get a chance to kick around the soccer ball in their backyard with his son for a bit. He was looking forward to having dinner together as a family, to helping his sons with their homework and any studying they had to do and to have some private time with Justin once the boys were in bed.

Yes, that was the life, Brian thought to himself as he pulled up to the house. He smiled contently as he left the car and walked over to the main door and opened it.

Once inside, he frowned when he couldn't hear anyone. Normally, the house would be filled with voices, conversations, sometimes yelling and crying, often laughter. But there would always be some noise. Now there was total quiet, which confused Brian.

He had seen Justin's car in the driveway, so he knew that his partner and his sons should be home. Normally, they would be preparing dinner or Justin would be preparing dinner while the boys did their homework at the kitchen table under his watchful eyes.

When Brian entered the kitchen now, all he could see was an empty table, an open fridge door and some spilled liquid on the floor next to the kitchen island.

“Justin?” Brian called out as he made his way over to the fridge and closed the door. “Gus? Luke? Anyone home?” Brian eyed the spilled liquid on the floor and frowned when he could smell the strong smell of Whiskey. That was weird.

“Guys? Anyone home?” Brian repeated again as he made his way from the kitchen towards the living room, stopping in his tracks when he saw the state the living-room was in. The pillows from their sofa were lying all over the floor, there were several glasses and empty bottles on the table and Brian could see what looked like it had once been a glass before someone had smashed it into the TV and it had broken into hundreds of pieces.

An uneasy feeling spread throughout his stomach and he pulled out his mobile, checking for any messages from Justin. Or anyone really, but he had no new messages since he had left the office.

Brian called out for Justin once more and when he didn't receive an answer back, he tried calling Justin's mobile, wanting to find out what was going on. He frowned when he could hear the faint ringing of a phone from upstairs in the house. Justin was home? Why hadn't he replied to him earlier?

Leaving the living-room behind, Brian slowly made his way upstairs and frowned when he saw the open doors of Gus' and Luke's rooms and saw that both rooms were empty. Where were the boys? Where was Justin? What was going on?

Once Brian made it to the master bedroom, he sighed somewhat in relief, at least he had found Justin. He saw him spread out, half dressed (it looked as if he had tried to pull off his pants and had failed, them still being on one leg, while they were off the second, the same for his shirt which was weirdly twisted around his neck and one arm), snoring loudly on the bed. Well, at least he had found his partner. Now he only had to find out where his sons were.

Brian made his way over and leaned down next to Justin, immediately pulling back when the strong smell of alcohol met his nose. Damn, Justin smelled like a cheap liquor store. “Sunshine? Are you okay? Where are the boys? What happened?” Brian asked, as he gently shook Justin's shoulder, trying to rouse him from his sleep.

It took a couple of minutes in which Justin only groaned and moaned, before he slowly opened his eyes, which were unfocused and seemed to have trouble to look at Brian.

“Justin, what's going on here?” Brian asked, now feeling his frustration and also anger from earlier in the day come back. This was not how he had imagined his night to go. Where were the boys? Why was Justin shit-faced drunk at dinner time? Neither of them drank much anymore, just the occasional beer or wine, maybe a shot of something harder every once in a while, but usually they wouldn't get drunk like that as they knew they had two children to take care of that relied on them.

When Justin just groaned some more and then turned over on his side, obviously ready to go back to sleep, Brian had enough. He shook his shoulder again, this time more roughly, not caring about Justin's drunken ass, just caring about getting the answers he needed.

“Where are Luke and Gus?” Brian asked, this time in a louder voice, never stopping shaking his partner's shoulder, trying to get him to focus on Brian.

“Wha'?” Justin just slurred, not looking at Brian at all.

“Gus and Luke? Where are they?” Brian asked once more, his voice rising. Where the fuck were the boys? Had Justin even picked them up from school? Brian figured he must have or he would have received a call from the school much earlier, but really, what was going on? Where were the boys and why was Justin drunk as a skunk? Brian hadn't seen him like that since Justin had been 18. And he wasn't even sure if Justin had been that drunk then.

“Jeez, Sunshine. Where are Luke and Gus?”

After a couple of seconds of silence, Brian thought he heard a quiet 'Mom', but he wasn't sure. “With your mom?” Why would the boys be with Jennifer? Yes, they usually stayed with Jennifer one day per week after school, so Brian and Justin would have time to focus on their work, but that was not supposed to be today.

When he didn't get more out of Justin, Brian sighed and picked up his mobile once more. He dialled Jennifer's number and was relieved when she picked up on the second ring.

“Brian? Is everything alright?” She asked, clearly surprised to get a call from him.

“Uhm,...,” Brian started, not quite sure how to answer that question and how much he wanted to tell Jennifer about the state Justin was in at the moment. She was still Justin's mother after all, but Justin was also a grown man and as long as Brian didn't know what was going on, he didn't feel comfortable telling her about what he had found when he had come home.

Thankfully, he was stopped from having to answer by his youngest son, whom he could hear in the background, asking his grandmother if his daddy was on the phone.

“Yes, honey. It's your daddy.”

“I just wanted to speak to Gus and Luke for a minute, if that's alright,” Brian lied, hoping that it would convince Jennifer. At least he knew that his sons were with Jennifer and apparently safe. He hoped she would believe him that he just wanted to check in on them.

“Yeah, sure,” Jennifer replied smoothly, though Brian feared that she had looked right through his lie. Damn, Jennifer was way too smart.

A second later, Brian heard the phone being handed over and then he heard Luke's excited voice. “Daddy?”

“Yes, sonny boy, it's me.” Brian smiled, feeling a sense of relief flood through him. Luke sounded alright, so Brian assumed that meant that his sons were alright.

“Grandma Jen is helping me with my science homework. She knows a lot about flowers, Daddy,” Luke informed him excitedly and Brian could hear the smile in his son's voice.

“I am sure she does,” Brian smiled, then went on. “Are you alright, sonny boy?”

“Yeah, we're gonna have pizza later and we'll watch a movie before bedtime. I like staying with Grandma Jen.”

“I am glad you do. I am sure you'll have a great time with your Grandma.” Luke had mentioned bedtime. Were the boys staying over night?

“Yeah, I miss you and Papa, but you'll come and pick us up at school tomorrow, right? That's what Grandma Jen said when she picked us up earlier.”

“Yeah, right. We'll come and pick you up tomorrow,” Brian promised, knowing that no matter what, he would be at school tomorrow to pick up his sons.

“Good. I love you and Papa, Daddy! See you tomorrow,” Luke said excitedly, before the phone was obviously handed over to Gus, who answered a few seconds later in a bored voice. Gus was 13 now and was obviously too old and too cool for a call from his father.

Brian couldn't help but smile to himself when he heard his son's slightly bored 'Hey Dad'.

“Hey, sonny boy. You alright?”

“Of course. Why wouldn't I be?” Gus asked, sounding confused by Brian's question.

“No reason. Just glad that you are,” Brian replied. “You and your brother have fun with Grandma Jen and you behave, you hear me?”

“Of course, Dad.” Brian could hear Gus' eyes roll even though Gus was miles away. He smiled to himself in amusement. Gus was so much like him. More than was probably good for him.

“Love you, sonny boy,” Brian said, a smile on his face.

“Yeah, love you, too. I'll hand you over to Grandma Jen now, I have to finish my homework,” Gus ended and then unceremoniously left Brian to speak to Jennifer again.

“Thanks for watching them tonight, Jen. I really appreciate it,” Brian said sincerely, even though he still had no idea why the boys were even with Jen or what was going on.

“You know I love to have them stay over. So don't mention it, Brian,” Jennifer waved his thanks away, then her voice grew more serious. “Is everything alright, Brian? Justin seemed rather upset when he called me earlier and asked me if I could watch the boys tonight.”

“Yeah, everything is fine,” Brian muttered, hoping that he was right and not lying. “He's just a bit stressed with the deadline for his next show and needed to decompress a bit.”

“Are you sure that's all?” Jennifer asked with obvious concern in her voice.

“Just give him a night and he'll be as good as new tomorrow,” Brian tried to sound more cheerful than he felt and hoped that he was right and more than that he hoped that Jennifer would let it go. As he didn't know what was going on with his partner, he didn't want to lie to her more than was necessary.

“If you say so,” Jennifer replied, doubt still clear to hear in her voice, but thankfully she let it rest after that. “You just make sure that you take good care of him and that he's alright.”

“I will,” Brian promised and he would. If it was the last thing he did. “You enjoy your night with the boys.”

They then ended their call and Brian turned around to look at his sleeping, snoring partner. “Christ, Sunshine. What's going on with you?”

Brian eyed his younger partner with concern and worry, then decided to make him more comfortable. He slowly got Justin out of his clothes and under the blankets, without him waking once.

Justin usually didn't behave like this, this was more Brian's way of dealing with things and it scared Brian to find Justin using his old ways of pain management. He thought they had both moved on from that, but apparently he had been wrong.

Brian made sure that Justin was comfortable and when he was sure that he was dead to the world and wouldn't wake up anytime soon, Brian went back downstairs to clean up the living-room and kitchen. With neither his partner nor his children around, Brian decided to get some more work done and prepared a quick email to Cynthia and Ted with instructions for the next day. He had a feeling that he wouldn't get much work done tomorrow.

Once he had done as much as he could from home, after he had had a quick dinner and a beer, he decided to call it a night and go to bed as well.

Justin was still sleeping, but at least he wasn't snoring anymore. Well, at least something, Brian figured and was grateful for small mercies. He climbed into bed next to his partner after he had taken a quick shower, then pulled the younger man closer, who didn't move or react.

“What's going on, Sunshine? You're worrying me,” Brian whispered as he left a gentle kiss on his partner's head, then tried to find some sleep.

An hour or two later, that sleep was violently interrupted when Brian heard retching sounds coming from their en-suite bathroom. He felt more than saw that Justin wasn't in bed with him anymore and immediately got a good idea about what was happening. Sighing, Brian got out of bed and walked into the bathroom, where he found Justin on the floor, in front of the toilet, vomiting.

Brian wordlessly came over to Justin's side and knelt down next to him, running his hand over the blond's back. “Are you alright, Sunshine?”

Unsurprisingly, Justin shook his head and just moaned some more, before he started vomiting again.

“You must have drunk at least half of our alcohol stock. What brought this on?” Brian asked, trying to keep his voice as gentle as he could and not showing the frustration he felt at Justin's behaviour. No, this was really not how he had imagined this evening and night to go.

Justin mumbled something, but Brian couldn't really understand what he had said. He thought he had heard the word baby in those mumblings, but couldn't be sure. Justin's voice was slurred and he was still retching occasionally, which made it even harder to understand him.

Once Justin's stomach seemed to have calmed down, Brian helped him up and led him over to the sink. He then helped the younger man to clean up and led him back to the bed. The whole time Justin kept mumbling to himself and all Brian could hear was “No baby...” over and over again.

“No baby?” What was Justin talking about?

He saw Justin nod eagerly, then felt shocked when the younger man suddenly burst into tears right in front of him.

“Sunshine? What's going on? What baby are you talking about?”

“Our baby, though... no baby... there is no baby...” Justin slurred the words, his tears never slowing down.

“Our baby? Sunshine, I am confused here. I don't think I am following. What baby?”

“No baby... there'll be no baby... never...no baby...”

Justin just kept on repeating the same words over and over and Brian tried to make sense of them, but couldn't. Baby? What baby was Justin talking about? They hadn't talked about a baby. They hadn't talked about any babies at all since Justin had come back and had found out about Luke. What was he talking about now?

Knowing that there was no point talking to Justin when he was still this drunk and out of it, Brian tried to calm him down as best as he could, gently kissing him and whispering soothing words to him until Justin had fallen asleep again about half an hour later.

Brian could still see the traces of the tears on his beautiful face and wondered even more than before what in the hell was going on. Baby? Had Justin wanted another baby? But they had never talked about having another baby. Did Justin think he had been pregnant? That made no sense. Brian could remember him having a beer just the last weekend when Debbie and Carl had come over for a visit. Surely he wouldn't have had that beer if he had thought he had been pregnant. And really, they had been using condoms every single time they had sex, though, Brian mused, he was the best example that condoms didn't always prevent a pregnancy. They had also used condoms the night he had gotten pregnant with Luke.

Could that be it? Had Justin thought he was pregnant? And now he wasn't? Was that what had upset him so much? The more Brian thought about it, the more he realised that he had no idea how Justin felt about having more children. After working through their issues concerning Luke and Brian hiding the fact that Justin had a son, they had never really talked about more children. They had just been happy with their family and had enjoyed being back together. They had enjoyed their family, had enjoyed their newfound happiness and they had been happy. Brian knew it. Justin had been happy as well. He knew it. And never once had they talked about more children or any further family planning. Brian wondered why. Had Justin been scared to bring it up? Surely not. Surely he must have known that Brian would at least listen to him and talk to him, no matter what his own opinion might be. 

Their months in therapy together had helped them a lot in working through their problems and they had both learned a lot about themselves and each other and had learned how to bring up even painful topics that they needed to talk about. They had both learned how to live with and openly talk about their past and what had happened between them when Luke had been born and Brian thought that Justin knew that he could talk to Brian about anything. After having made it through that and coming out as a strong, happy couple, Justin must have known that they would be able to work through whatever came their way, right? Right?

Brian knew that he was driving himself crazy with these thoughts and he knew that he shouldn't go down that road and shouldn't think about things too much as long as he didn't know what was really going on. He was driving himself crazy and so far he didn't even know why or what about.

Reluctantly, he admitted to himself that all he could do at this point was to wait until tomorrow and to hope that he would find out then what had gotten Justin into this mood. And then he hoped and prayed that whatever it was, they would be able to work through it as they had done so many times before.

After another hour, Brian fell back into a fitful sleep, never letting go of the smaller body that was pressed into his side, holding on tightly for comfort and hoping to give comfort to the younger man as well for whatever he was going through at the moment.

Chapter 2

“Ungh,” Justin groaned as he tried to open his eyes and felt pain rush through his head when a ray of sunshine landed on his face. He immediately forced his eyes shut again and moaned for good measure. His head hurt like hell and he felt as if his stomach had done a rollercoaster ride inside his body. His throat felt parched and hurt and he had a disgusting taste in his mouth. God, what had happened? Had he died? Apparently not, because he was sure that if he had died, he wouldn't feel pain anymore, so he still had to be alive. Maybe he was in the process of dying and that was why he was feeling so badly?

“Here, drink this. It will help.”

Justin frowned when he recognised Brian's voice coming from somewhere close by. He tried turning his head in the direction the voice had been coming from, but found that the movement was too much effort and made him feel dizzy. Instead he just groaned and did what he thought was giving a shake of his head. He hoped Brian understood that he wasn't ready to move to wherever his voice came from.

“Come on, Sunshine. Drink this. It will make you feel better,” Brian's voice said once more and Justin wondered why it sounded so cold and uncaring. Well, maybe not cold and uncaring, but at least the voice didn't have the warmth it usually had when speaking to him.

“N-o,” Justin pressed out, trying to move as little as possible as he spoke.

“Stop being a drama queen and fucking drink this. If you ever want to feel better, just do as you're told,” Brian replied, this time impatience clear to hear even for Justin.

Wondering why Brian would be so impatient with him, but then deciding that that put too much effort on his already hurting head, Justin decided in the end that fighting with Brian right now would be even more effort and would demand a strength he didn't have right then. In the end he just nodded slowly and tried to open his eyes, opening them even despite the pain he felt exploding in his head.

He needed a minute or two to get a clear idea of where he was and he felt relieved when he saw that he was in their bedroom in their bed. After another minute Justin felt like he couldn't delay looking at Brian any longer and moved his eyes to where Brian's voice had been coming from. He didn't feel quite ready to face Brian yet, somehow knowing that he must have done something to feel this bad and that by doing that, he had probably angered Brian, but for the life of him he couldn't remember.

When his gaze met Brian's, he saw worried hazel eyes looking at him in concern, confusion and also disappointment? Why, Justin wondered.

“Here, drink this,” Brian said once more, holding out a glass of water to Justin and handing him two pills after he had taken the first sip. “Take them, they will help with the headache.”

“No Tylenol,” Justin mumbled, as he carefully drank some more water. God, his throat really felt parched. He felt like he could drink a whole gallon.

“Sunshine, if I wanted to kill you, I would have done so last night or would have left you to fend on your own. You really think I don't know what you're allergic to by now?” Brian shook his head in what seemed to be disappointment and still held out his hand with the two pills. “Not Tylenol, so fucking take them.”

In the end Justin just took the pills, emptied the glass of water and closed his eyes again, sighing against the pain and effort that short action had taken.

“Go and sleep some more. Come and find me when you're ready to talk,” Brian said quietly, before he ran a hand down Justin's cheek and then left the room. At least that's what it sounded like to Justin. He definitely heard retreating footsteps.

Not sure what to make of the whole situation that had just played out, Justin decided to just follow Brian's advice and within minutes he was back asleep. At least while sleeping, he didn't have to think about what was going on.

When Justin woke up the next time some hours later, he slowy started to feel human again. His head didn't feel like it was exploding anymore. By now there was just a light throbbing, but he could deal with that. He had dealt with far worse in the past.

Forcing himself to get up, Justin sighed as he looked around the empty room. Brian wasn't there any longer. Turning towards the alarm clock on his side of the bed, Justin noticed that it was already past noon. Damn, how long had he slept? Yes, he wasn't a morning person, but sleeping until noon was extreme even for him.

He wondered for a second if Brian had gotten the boys to school on time, but then somewhere in his foggy brain remembered the boys not being at home. He remembered calling his mom the day before, asking her to pick up the boys from school and to watch them for a night.

As he brushed his teeth, finally getting rid of that disgusting taste in his mouth, he finally remembered more and more from the day before. How he had gotten his mom to pick up and watch the boys. How he had raided their liquor stock and had drunk anything he could get his hands on and....

Justin shook his head, not wanting to think about that. He forced himself to think of something else and instead decided to wonder about how angry Brian probably was with him right now.

He remembered Brian being by his side earlier and giving him some pain medication – damn, had he really been such an ass and accused Brian of handing him Tylenol? - but he also remembered his tone of voice during that conversation. Brian had clearly not been happy with him and thinking about how Brian had probably found him when he had come home from work last night, Justin couldn't even blame him. Not really. If he had found Brian drunk as a skunk, not knowing why, he would have been angry as well.

After Justin had taken a shower, he felt almost human again and decided that it was time to face the music. He had delayed talking to Brian long enough and knew that he couldn't avoid him all day. And really? Brian had a right to know what had brought this on, why Justin had gotten this drunk. He probably should have talked to Brian weeks ago, but he hadn't. And he didn't even really know why not. It wasn't like Brian wouldn't have listened to him. He knew that. Brian would have probably moved the earth to make him happy. That was just the kind of man Brian was. Not that he would ever admit to it or would be happy if anyone described him like that, but Justin knew that was the kind of man his partner was. Whatever Justin or the boys wanted, Brian would make possible for them. He loved them that much and if they were happy, he was happy. It sounded cliché, but really that was how Brian worked. If the people he loved and that meant more than life to him were happy, Brian was happy. And if he could make them happy in any way or form, he would do whatever he could to achieve their happiness. Sometimes Justin wondered what he had done to deserve a man like that, what he had done to deserve a father like that for his sons and now he felt guilty for the way he had behaved towards this man that loved him so much.

Sighing Justin made his way downstairs towards the kitchen and grabbed a breakfast bagel. He chew on it for a couple of seconds as he waited for his coffee to be done and then knew that he really couldn't delay facing Brian any longer.

Holding his cup of coffee tightly, Justin slowly walked over to Brian's home office, not surprised that the door was open. It usually was, Brian hated closed doors because it always gave him a feeling that someone wasn't welcome or bothering him. He wanted his sons and Justin to know that they could always come to him, he would always make time for them, so he had made it a point to keep his door open at all times.

Justin stopped in the doorway and watched Brian for a couple of seconds, watched his focused gaze, the way he looked at his computer screen while furiously writing something down on a notepad. When he saw Brian put away his pen, he announced his presence with a quiet 'hey'.

“Look who's back with the living,” Brian snarked, though his eyes betrayed his true feelings behind the snark. Justin could see concern and most of all love in those hazel eyes and it warmed his heart to know that he had found someone who loved him unconditionally the way Brian did.

“I guess I deserve that,” Justin just mumbled, hanging his head as he slowly made his way into the office and walked over to Brian's desk, leaning against it as he looked at his partner from sad eyes.

“How is your head?” Brian asked, his voice now gentler and calmer.

“I'll survive,” Justin shrugged.

“I hope so...would be a pity if I didn't get to hold this over your head for years to come.”

Justin just hung his head in shame, knowing that he deserved that and so much more.

“I'm sorry, Brian.”

“Sorry is b....” Brian started to speak, but was interrupted by Justin.

“No, it's not. And I am. I shouldn't have behaved the way I did yesterday and I shouldn't have gotten drunk like that...”

“Why?” Was all Brian asked, raising his eyebrow at Justin.

Justin shrugged which seemed to make Brian angry.

“The truth,” was all he said in a voice that allowed no contradiction.

“I got some disappointing news yesterday and... I don't know... I didn't quite know how to deal with that and drowning my sorrows seemed as good an idea as anything else,” Justin said quietly.

“Better than talking to me about it?” Brian asked and Justin could clearly hear the hurt in Brian's voice.

“It's not like that, Brian,” Justin whispered in reply, his gaze meeting his partner's.

“Then what is it like? Because here I am getting the idea that talking to me must have seemed way worse than getting drunk as a skunk and passing out before dinner time, vomiting your guts out in the middle of the night and having the hangover of all hangovers the next day. It must be really horrible to talk to me, if you chose getting drunk as the better option.”

“Brian,” Justin started, but was interrupted by Brian who wasn't finished yet.

“I thought we had moved on from that. I thought we had left that in the past... Jeez, I thought that was me. That only I did shit like that. You're too smart for that, Sunshine.”

Justin could hear Brian's anger and frustration, but most of all his disappointment and hung his head. He knew that Brian was right.

“I am sorry, I...I made a bad choice and I know I shouldn't have. I know that, Brian.”

“You scared me,” Brian whispered now, looking at Justin from concerned eyes. “This isn't you. This is me. I do shit like that and then you get to kick my ass for being an idiot. Not the other way round. This isn't how we do things, Sunshine.”

Justin couldn't help but chuckle at that, knowing that Brian was right. Usually it had been Justin who would kick Brian's ass for getting drunk and drowning his sorrows in alcohol. He was glad when he saw Brian's lip twitching, obviously trying not to laugh himself at Justin's reaction.

“I figured, maybe I should see what all the buzz is about and see if your way works.”

“Did it?” Brian raised an eyebrow at his younger partner.

“No,” Justin shook his head slowly.

“Yeah, never worked for me either,” Brian agreed, then held out his hand. When Justin held out his hand as well, Brian grabbed it and pulled him closer, making him sit in his lap. “Are you feeling any better now?”

Justin leaned into Brian, resting his head on his partner's shoulder and then shook it slowly. “No.”

“Wanna talk about it?” Brian offered. Years ago he would have been the last person to make an offer like that. Talking about his feelings had made his dick soft, but with time, Brian had realised that talking about feelings and problems actually helped. It made you feel better and made dealing with issues easier. He had seen the benefit of talking about his own feelings and emotions and even though he still didn't like it most of the time, he knew that it was needed and that it made their relationship a better relationship.

“Not really,” Justin muttered, hiding his head in Brian's shoulder and neck, inhaling the scent of his boyfriend.

“Justin,” Brian sighed. “Don't be like that.”

“Can I distract you with sex?” Justin asked next, slowly sticking out his tongue and licking over Brian's throat.

“No, you can't,” Brian said in a serious voice, pulling back from Justin's wandering tongue.

“Please,” Justin just whispered, burying his head in Brian's neck.

“No,” Brian's voice was adamant and if the situation hadn't been as serious as it was, Brian would have been impressed with himself for his restraint. As would Justin. “You mentioned getting bad news yesterday. What bad news?” Brian asked after a minute of silence between them.

“Promise me that you won't get angry?” Justin whispered, pulling back from where his head had rested on Brian's shoulder and meeting his questioning gaze.

“You know I can't promise that if I don't know what's going on,” Brian said reasonably, not wanting to make any promises he couldn't keep.

Justin sighed and hid his head in Brian's shoulder once more, speaking in a quiet voice. A voice so full of pain that it broke Brian's heart.

“I... had the male pregnancy gene test done and... I got the results yesterday. I... don't have the gene...”

Brian held on to the man in his lap, not quite sure what to make of what Justin had just told him. He himself had had the test done when he had been a teenager and Debbie had taken him and Michael to get tested to see if they had the male pregnancy gene and could get pregnant. Brian had known since he had been in his late teens that he could get pregnant. He was surprised Justin hadn't had the test done before. Usually boys had it done as soon as they knew they were gay or at the latest when they were in their first serious relationship.

“You never had it done before?” He therefore blurted out without thinking.

Justin pulled back and made a face as if to say 'Duh'. “Do you think my father would have allowed me to take that test? He couldn't even accept that I am gay. Do you think he would have wanted to know if his gay son was also a pussy that could have fag babies?” Justin imitated his father's voice at the end of his statement and Brian only hugged him closer. Justin didn't mention his father a lot, but Brian knew that deep down he was still hurt by his father's refusal to accept his homosexuality. Justin probably wouldn't ever admit it and would always claim that his father was dead to him, but deep down Brian knew that Justin was hurt by his father's rejection.

“What about later?”

Justin just shrugged. “It never really came up... For most of my time in Pittsburgh I didn't have proper health insurance and in New York... it didn't matter... things never got serious enough to even consider it and...it never mattered.”

“Why now?” Brian asked quietly, not commenting on what Justin had just said. He would have paid for that test if Justin had wanted it done back in the day. And he knew that Justin must have known that. Or had he doubted him and his affection so much in the past? Not that it really mattered, that was in the past and they had long moved on from that. As for New York, Brian knew that Justin had never been as serious in his relationships there as he and Brian had been. He also knew from Justin that Justin had only ever topped with his boyfriends during his time in New York. He wasn't surprised it hadn't come up then. But why now?

“I don't know... I guess I wanted to know...”

Brian sighed, pushing Justin's face slightly away from his shoulder, so their gazes could meet. “That's not it. Don't lie to me and most of all, don't lie to yourself,” Brian told him sternly, fixing Justin with his most serious gaze. He hated dishonesty and he knew that there was more to why Justin had gotten the test now.

Justin got off from his place in Brian's lap and started pacing the office. He was quiet for the longest time, before he stopped his pacing and turned to look at Brian from sad eyes. Pained eyes.

“I wanted to know what it feels like... I... I wanted to experience it myself and... I wanted to experience it with you,” Justin said quietly, before a single tear ran down his cheeks.

“Sunshine,” Brian whispered sadly, but didn't know what to reply to the pain he saw in front of him. He could easily see all the pain and desperation in Justin's eyes and within seconds the younger man was crying, sobs wrecking his body.

Brian got up from his seat behind his desk and walked over to where Justin was standing, crying, and pulled him into a tight hug, holding his partner close.

“I...I just wanted to know what it feels like... I just wanted us to do it together... I just...,” but he never got any further and just continued crying in Brian's arms.

“Oh Sunshine...,” Brian whispered, trying to comfort the younger man as best as he could. He led them over to the sofa that was in his office and sat them both down, running his hand through Justin's blond hair. “Why didn't you tell me?”

It took Justin a few minutes to calm down and when he had, he looked at Brian from sad eyes. “What difference would it have made?”

“We could have gone together, I could have been by your side when you received the results,” Brian said quietly.

“It doesn't matter... it's never going to happen anyway,” Justin furiously wiped away his tears and wanted to get up, but Brian wouldn't allow him to. “Brian, let me go.”

“No, we're not done here,” Brian said quietly, looking at his partner from sad eyes.

“Why? You wanted to know, now you know. There is nothing you can do to fix this, so yes, we're done here.”

Brian eyed Justin from sad eyes. “You never told me you wanted another child.”

“It doesn't matter now, does it?”

“Of course it does. Sunshine... this is... a big thing and... you never told me. We never talked about having another child. What would you have done if the test had shown that you have the male pregnancy gene? Don't you think this is something we need to talk about?”

“Well, I don't. So nothing to talk about,” Justin muttered, just wanting this conversation to end.

“Oh, don't give me that. There is lots to talk about here... Maybe... it's my fault, maybe I should have brought it up, after Luke and all, but we have never talked about having more children. Maybe it's time we do.”

“Brian, don't...”

“Well, you obviously want more children. When were you gonna tell me?”

“It's not gonna happen anyway, so what's the point?”

“So, you only wanted another child if you could carry it? Is that it?” Brian frowned, looking at Justin in confusion. And something else. Was it hurt?

“I... no... I don't know... God... I don't know,” Justin hid his head in his hands and started crying again. “I don't fucking know.”

“Then lets try to find out together,” Brian whispered, never letting go of the gentle hold he had on Justin's hand. “Maybe it's time we have this conversation. Maybe it's long overdue.”

“I just... I just thought it would be nice to experience it myself. To... experience it with you. Gus was born the night I met you, I don't know anything about his pregnancy and for the most part of his first couple of years, we only saw him occasionally, but not as often as we should have and could have and with Luke...,” Justin didn't go on and he didn't have to. Brian knew exactly what he was gonna say.

“You missed it because of me,” he said quietly.

“I just... I just thought it would be nice to be there from the beginning for once. To just experience the whole thing from beginning to end. Just for once, you know? But it's not gonna happen, so this whole conversation is pointless anyway.”

“No, it's not,” Brian squeezed his hand slightly. “Why didn't you tell me?”

“You know why,” Justin sighed, looking at Brian from sad eyes.

“Say it,” Brian urged and saw Justin shake his head again and again. “Say it, Justin.”

“Why, Brian? We both know why. What's the point of it?”

“To have it out in the open once and for all. You didn't tell me because of what I did with Luke. Why can't you just say it?”

“I didn't fucking tell you because I didn't want to hurt you,” Justin angrily gave back, glaring at Brian. “Because I know how much you're blaming yourself even after all these years and I knew that if I told you, you would only start the whole circle of blaming yourself from the beginning and... I didn't want that... I didn't want you to blame yourself again for something that's in the past.”

“So what was your great plan? To just puncture the condoms and get pregnant without letting me know?”

“No,” Justin glared at Brian, his eyes widening in shock. “I would never... You know I would never do something like that.” Justin felt shocked that Brian would even think him capable of something like that. That had been one thing Michael used to accuse him off and Justin felt offended that Brian would think the same of him as Michael had all those years ago.

Brian ran a hand through his hair and sighed in frustration. “I know... I am sorry, I know you wouldn't.” He looked at Justin from sad eyes. “I just don't understand what you were trying to do.”

“I would have talked to you once the test had come back. I... we would have had that conversation then, but... when I got the news that I don't have the gene... it threw me. I realised that I had wanted this more than I had admitted to myself and that I was more disappointed than I would have ever expected and... I fucked up. I know I should have told you way before. I know I should have talked to you yesterday at the latest, but... the news... it threw me and I didn't know how to handle the disappointment.”

Justin was still crying and Brian's heart broke. For the first time he realised how much this had meant to Justin. He had never even thought about having another child, had never even considered it, if he was honest with himself. He had thought they were happy, had thought that Justin was happy with the family they had built for themselves, but apparently he had been wrong.

“I am sorry I am such a bad partner, Sunshine. You deserve better... I thought you were happy. That we were happy,” Brian said quietly.

“I am happy,” Justin whispered in reply.

“Obviously not.”

“I love you, Brian. I love Luke and Gus and I love our family and our life. I am happy. Happier than I ever thought I could be. And... maybe I was like Icarus, flying too close to the sun. Maybe I just wanted too much. Maybe I should have been happy with what I have, but... I thought we could be even happier if this would work, but... I guess now I've messed it all up.”

“You deserve all the happiness you can get. You would have deserved it,” Brian said, squeezing Justin's hand.

“We would have deserved it,” Justin smiled slightly, looking at Brian from glassy eyes. “God, I went about this all wrong... I don't even know if you would have wanted another child or not. I am sorry I fucked up like this.”

“Honestly?” Brian raised an eyebrow and went on when Justin nodded. “I have never even thought about it. I have never even considered it.”

“Well, now you don't have to anyway.”

“Sunshine, I am sorry. I know you wanted this. I can see how much you would have wanted this and I am sorry it's not happening. I am truly sorry.”

“It's not your fault, Brian.”

“Then why does it feel that way?”

“Well, seeing how we're not related, thankfully, I didn't get my genes from you. So don't even think about blaming yourself for this.”

Justin frowned when Brian suddenly started to chuckle. “What?”

“You know what I have just realised? The male pregnancy gene is passed on from fathers to sons. That means we can just blame Craig for this.”

Justin eyed Brian as if he was crazy, but then started laughing as well. “You're right. It's all Craig's fault.”

They both laughed heartily for a minute or two, before they calmed down and Justin leaned closer to Brian, leaving a gentle kiss on his lips. “I am sorry about yesterday and I am sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't mean to keep this a secret from you or to go behind your back. I just... I didn't want to hurt you and I guess by not wanting to hurt you I only hurt you more. I am sorry, Brian.”

“Don't be sorry. We should have had this conversation a long time ago and I guess I am also to blame for us not having had it before. I am sorry, Sunshine. You would have deserved this.”

“I'll get over it,” Justin said confidently, smiling when Brian pulled him closer and held him tight. “We will.”

“Are we okay, Sunshine?”

Justin nodded slowly, knowing that they were and would be. They had two amazing sons, amazing careers, were happy in their relationship. What more did they really need? Another baby would have been nice and would have been great, he was sure, but what they had was already perfect and maybe it was best not to mess with perfection.

“I love you, Brian.”

“Not as much as I love you,” Brian replied, kissing the blond mop of hair that was nestled into his side.

Chapter 3

Over the next couple of days things slowly returned to normal at Britin. Justin was still sad about the news that he didn't have the male pregnancy gene and Brian knew that he couldn't just expect him to move on from news like that from one day to the other after it had become obvious how much Justin had been hoping for another baby and to be the one to carry that baby.

Brian knew that he needed to give Justin some time to work through that disappointment and he tried to be as supportive and understanding as he could be. He didn't hold a grudge against Justin for getting the test done behind his back or for never having talked to him about his wish to carry their baby to begin with.

He could understand why the blond had never mentioned it to him and while it had hurt at first, Brian knew that he couldn't let that hurt linger. They had talked about it, Justin had realised his mistake and had apologised and Brian didn't hold it against him. Really, he would be a hypocrite if he did. He had done way worse to Justin and had kept way bigger things from the younger man and Justin had forgiven him. Brian knew that it would be the least that he also forgave Justin now and didn't make a bigger deal out of it than it was.

Things between them had mostly returned to normal and Brian had tried to cheer Justin up as much as he could. They had taken the boys to the movies the next weekend and had just spent a quiet weekend together as a family, enjoying what they had, enjoying to spend time together and with their boys.

Watching Justin closely in recent days, Brian knew that he hadn't been lying when he had said that he was happy. Justin was happy. It was easy to see in the way his eyes lit up when he spent time with Gus and Luke, in the way he looked at Brian when they all spent time as a family and the way they made love at nights when the boys were in bed. Brian could see with his own eyes that Justin hadn't been lying and was happy and the more he thought about what the younger man had said, the more he started to understand what Justin had meant. They were happy, but maybe they could be even happier. Maybe another baby could have made their lives even more perfect than they already were.

Brian knew that Justin had pushed away his desire for another baby when he had received the news that he didn't have the male pregnancy gene and he wondered why that was. Had Justin only wanted another baby if he could carry it? Hadn't he considered talking to Brian to see if he would be willing to carry another baby? After all Brian had been pregnant before with Luke, they both knew he could get pregnant and yet for some reason Justin had never mentioned the option of Brian carrying another child for them and the older man couldn't help but wonder why.

They lay together in their bed, holding each other, ready to go to sleep after an invigorating session of sex and a quick shower afterwards, but Brian knew that he wouldn't be able to sleep until he got some answers.

“Sunshine?” He asked quietly, knowing that Justin was still awake.

“Hmmm?” the blond hummed happily, yet obviously tired.

“Would you also want another baby if I carried it?” Brian didn't know what had made him ask that question just like that. Why he hadn't been more careful in voicing it or why he hadn't gotten down the road of talking about this in a gentler way. The question had just made it out of his mouth and now there it was.

He watched as Justin opened his eyes slowly and stared at him for a long second. “Brian...,” he said quietly after an awkward silence had settled between them.

“I know you wanted to carry it yourself. I know you said you wanted to experience what it felt like and all, but... it sucks, but that's not gonna happen, but you never said anything about having another baby despite that, so I am wondering... Did you only want another baby if you carried it or would you also want another baby if I carried it?”

Justin slowly turned to lie on his back and stared at the ceiling for the longest time before he spoke quietly. “I don't know...”

Brian sighed, wondering why that answer sounded so frustrating to him. “Okay...”

The older man kept looking at Justin and ran his fingertips over the younger man's flat stomach. His voice was quiet when he spoke next a couple of minutes later. “I would do it, you know?”

“But you said you had never thought about it,” Justin whispered.

“And I haven't. Not really, but in recent days... I started thinking about it more and more. After our conversation, I started thinking about the idea of adding to our family. I know we're happy, I know we both love our sons and our family, but... I think you're right. I think we could be even happier if we had another child and... I want to do this with you, Sunshine. I want us to do it right for once. You know? The whole deal. From beginning to end. I want us to experience it all together and... I think we would be ready. Don't you?”

Justin slowly turned his head to look at Brian and the brunet saw that the younger man's eyes were glassy and he was trying to hold back his tears. “I know we are,” he whispered, his voice more emotional than Brian had expected.

Brian continued his caress of Justin's stomach with his fingertips and leaned closer, so their foreheads would touch. “And... if we're really going to do this, we should do it rather sooner than later... I know I don't look it and I know we don't talk about it, but even I am not getting younger and...,” he didn't finish the statement, knowing that Justin understood.

Brian was 42 now, he wasn't getting any younger and just like with female pregnancies, the older you got, the more risks a pregnancy could have for the father and the unborn baby. If they were ever to have another child, since Justin couldn't carry it, they would have to do it rather sooner than later, before the risk of Brian carrying a baby got too big for both Brian and the baby.

“Did you just admit that you're getting old?” Justin chuckled, looking at Brian with a mischievous expression.

“Older...,” Brian said seriously. “Justin, I am not opposed to having another child. I... I have done some serious thinking in recent days and the more I have thought about it, the more I have realised that I would really like us to add to our family. I would really like to do this with you. I... I loved being pregnant with Luke, I loved all the sensations and everything about the whole process and I don't think there is anything I'd love more than to have our child grow beneath my heart, knowing that you will be by my side for all of it, but... I won't do it if the risk would be too high for the baby. I... I won't risk our baby, Sunshine.”

Justin nodded, noticing how serious Brian's voice had gotten and knowing that Brian was right. “I know. I know you wouldn't.”

“If we decide to do this, I want to get a physical before we start trying. I want to make sure that there will be no more risk for the baby than necessary and... Sunshine...,” Brian started running his hand through Justin's blond hair, looking at him from loving, yet determined eyes. “If the doctor says we shouldn't do it because the risk is too high, I won't do it. We will find another way. We will figure something out, but I will not risk our baby.”

Justin nodded slowly, before he leaned in, softly kissing Brian. “I love you, Brian Kinney.”

“And I love you, Justin Taylor.”

They kissed lazily for a couple of minutes, before they pulled apart and looked at each other.

“So, what do you say? I know it's not what you originally wanted, I know it's not the same as being pregnant yourself, but what do you say to trying for another baby, Sunshine?”

“I say,” Justin started seriously, before his face broke into the biggest sunshine smile that Brian had ever seen on his lover's beautiful face. “I am game if you are.”

Brian grinned at the younger man, then quickly moved onto him, so he had pinned Justin into the mattress under him. “Oh, I am game. I am always game,” he said huskily, rubbing his growing erection into his partner's groin, noticing how Justin was getting hard himself.

“Hmmmm, I seem to remember that in order for you to get pregnant, you would need to be the one to get fucked,” Justin winked, using all the power he could muster and rolling Brian over onto his back, quickly rolling on top of him and staring down at him from his higher vantage point.

“As true as that statement is, lets not forget that we decided to see a doctor first. So no trying to get anyone pregnant yet,” Brian smirked up at the blond that looked like an angel, looking down at him from the heavens.

“True, true... but you must admit that practice makes perfect and we can always start on the practice part,” Justin muttered, before he leaned down and started nibbling his way down Brian's stomach, then starting to lick down his treasure trail from his bellybutton to his groin and moving on to his perfectly hard dick. Justin switched from licking to leaving featherlight kisses on the hard member, which made Brian groan in anticipation.

“You need no practice, Sunshine. You're already perfect in every way,” the brunet moaned as Justin took his hard member into his mouth and began sucking for life.

After Brian had been brought to his mindblowing orgasm by Justin's amazing blowjob skills – damn, Justin definitely had a mouth made for blowjobs and he gave the best blowjobs Brian had ever had, as if his mouth had just been made to suck Brian's cock – the younger man slowly crept up Brian's side, his own hard on rubbing into the older man's thighs.

“What should we do about this then?” He nodded towards his own erection, then looked at Brian with a raised eyebrow.

“Would be a pity to let it go to waste,” Brian muttered, still trying to regain his breath after his orgasm.

“I agree. A real pity...” Justin huskily whispered, before he started moving his fingers down to Brian's groin, past his dick and his balls and towards his goal. He gently circled Brian's hole and smiled when the older man gasped when Justin pushed in the tip of his finger. “Whatever should we do with it?”

Brian enjoyed what Justin was doing with his finger and moved his ass down, so it would push against Justin's finger. They occasionally switched and Justin would get to top more often than people probably thought he got to. It wasn't that Brian didn't like it when Justin fucked him, quite on the contrary. He loved it. Justin was a very skilled lover and always prepared Brian in a way that made sure that Brian would enjoy their fuck as well and damn, did Brian enjoy those fucks. They were amazing each and every time, but at the end of the day, even though Brian thoroughly enjoyed being fucked by Justin, he enjoyed fucking him even more. And more than that, Brian knew that Justin enjoyed being fucked more than doing the fucking. In that way they were perfectly matched after all.

Yet occasionally they switched roles and Justin got to top and Brian enjoyed each time immensely and he knew that he would enjoy this time as well. They might act as if he was playing hard to get, but both he and Justin knew that at the end of the day Brian was just like any other gay man and loved having a dick up his ass just as much as the next gay man.

Brian rolled over onto his side, giving Justin better access to his backside and said seriously. “Well, I guess there is only one thing to do then.”

He smiled when he felt Justin's other hand run down his spine, down the globes of his ass and towards its goal as well, while his other finger still teased Brian's hole. Soon after, Justin pushed in his whole finger, before adding a second and after some time of preparing Brian, added a third.

Making scissoring movements with his fingers, Justin carefully prepared his lover, his other hand making soothing motions on Brian's back.

Even though Brian loved being fucked by Justin, Justin knew that his ass wasn't as used to the intrusion as his own was for example and even more than that, Justin knew that Brian didn't like the pain that came with it as much as Justin did. Justin loved it rough at times, even welcomed the pain at times, knowing it was a part of being fucked and it was a part that he totally embraced, knowing that this pain brought immense pleasure afterwards, but he also knew that Brian was different than him and didn't enjoy it. He enjoyed the pleasure afterwards, but could have very well done without the pain before it and that was one of the reasons why Justin always made sure that he had prepared Brian well, even at times when they fucked rather roughly. Even then Justin made sure that Brian was well prepared and wouldn't have to suffer more pain than was absolutely necessary.

Brian enjoyed Justin's movements with his fingers and moaned and groaned happily as he felt himself being opened up. He hissed slightly when Justin's cock first entered him, but once that short wave of pain had passed, he eagerly pushed back onto Justin's cock as the young man began pumping into him. God, Justin fucking him felt so good.

They quickly found a rhythm and Brian met each thrust of Justin's with his own movement of his hips. It didn't take them long before they both felt the telltale signs of their orgasms. Brian's cock had come to life again while he had been prepared by Justin and now that he was being thoroughly fucked by his partner, his cock was ready to burst.

After a few more thrusts they both came, before Justin carefully pulled out, disposed of the condom he had used and then left lazy kisses on Brian's backside that was still turned to him.

“I love you,” he whispered gently, running his hand up and down Brian's back. He stopped his movements when Brian turned around onto his back and turned to look at him from shining, happy eyes.

“I think I can get used to that,” he whispered happily, leaning in to kiss Justin passionately.

“Oh, you better... You realise we'll be doing this pretty regularly from now on?” Justin raised an eyebrow and wondered if Brian would really be okay with that.

“I can imagine worse... and as long as I'll still get to fuck you as well, I'll be fine.”

“Always,” Justin smiled, leaning in for another kiss. “Don't think you're getting out of your duties of being my partner and having to fuck me regularly just because you're now getting fucked more regularly.”

“Hmmmm, more sex... Sounds perfect...,” Brian smirked, then looked down his chest and stomach where his cum had landed when his second orgasm had hit. “I think I need another shower. Wanna join me?”

“Would love to,” Justin smiled, making his way into their bathroom, smiling when Brian joined him in the shower.

For once they really only had a quick shower as they would have to get up early the next day to get the boys ready for school and to get ready for their own jobs.

Barely ten minutes later they were both back in bed, cuddled together, ready to fall asleep once more.

Brian was just drifting off, when he heard the quiet voice of his partner. “Thank you, Brian. For always doing what makes me happy. I love you.”

A small smile spread on Brian's face and he mumbled a tired “Love you, too.” before he drifted off. Maybe he wasn't too bad at this whole family and relationship thing after all.

***

Three days later, Brian and Justin were sitting in his doctor's office, waiting for the results of Brian's physical.

“You are very healthy, Brian. A lot healthier than many men ten years younger your age,” the doctor began once he settled in his chair behind his desk, looking at Brian and Justin once he had been done checking the results of the tests that had been run earlier.

“Healthy enough to try for another baby?” Brian asked impatiently, really not caring about the rest. He knew that he was healthy. He had given up smoking years ago, he hardly drank, he only had sex with one partner, went to the gym regularly, ate very healthily and had regular physicals, not the least because he had had cancer once before and still had regular cancer checks every year.

“I don't see why not,” the doctor began, his voice serious and professional. “Of course there are always risks with every pregnancy and especially with pregnancies over 40, but with your physical condition, I don't see any reason for any higher risks and I don't see why anything should go wrong. Your first pregnancy was an easy and healthy one, I don't see why a second one should be any different.”

Justin smiled as he turned to Brian, happy to see his own excitement reflected on his partner's face. “Thanks, Doc,” Brian thanked the doctor, then he and Justin left and got on their way back home.

“I guess that means we're going to do it, huh?” Brian said to Justin, who had been uncharacteristically quiet on the drive home.

“Yeah, I guess so,” he replied quietly, turning to Brian with a smile on his face.

“You okay, Sunshine?” Brian raised an eyebrow, wondering why Justin wasn't chatting away like crazy right now.

“Yeah...,” Justin took a deep breath, then rested his hand on Brian's thigh and squeezed. “You realise what this also means?”

“Besides you getting to fuck me on a regular basis now?” Brian asked, his usual smirk in place.

“I am serious here, Brian.”

“Sorry, Sunshine. Okay, what else does this mean?”

“This will be the first time we'll make love without anything between us... without any condom... It's... it's a big step,” Justin said quietly.

Brian turned to look at Justin, their eyes meeting, then he turned his gaze back on the road. He hadn't really thought about that, to be honest, but Justin was right. Of course they wouldn't be using condoms any longer. That was the whole point of trying for a baby. “I guess you're right.”

“I remember how you once told me that we would never ever do it without a condom and how I should never ever let someone fuck me without one ever...,” Justin said wistfully.

“Sunshine, that was before we were trying for a baby.”

“Yeah, I guess... it just hit me what a big step this is on... so many different levels, you know?”

Brian nodded, then squeezed the hand on his thigh. “You and I have been clean for years. We haven't fucked anyone else in God knows how long... Maybe it's just the next natural step.”

“Yeah, maybe.... Brian... do you think... do you think that you would also fuck me without a condom?” Justin asked and Brian could hear the nervousness in his voice.

“I don't see why not. Obviously we're not risking getting you pregnant, we're both clean... Fair is fair, right?”

“I think... I think I would really like that,” Justin whispered, before leaning over and kissing Brian's cheek. “No, I would really love being fucked by you without anything between us.”

“So would I, Sunshine,” Brian said seriously and Justin could hear that he really meant it.

Their gazes met for a second and in that second their eyes conveyed everything they both were really feeling.

Yes, this was a big step. Obviously it was. They would be trying for a baby, they would create new life, a new member to their family. Of course it was a big step, but it was also a big step for the two of them in their relationship, a step neither of them had ever thought possible. Not with what their relationship had been for the longest time, yet here they were. Ready to embark on this new chapter in their relationship, their family and their lives.

Chapter 4

Over the next couple of months Brian and Justin tried for a baby and kept trying hard. As Justin had said, practice makes perfect. They had more sex than they usually had and while Brian certainly got fucked a lot more than he normally did in an average month, they both also made sure that their normal activities didn't fall to the side and that Justin's ass still got the attention it craved as well.

Neither of them wanted this whole trying for a baby to become mechanical or like a task they had to do, so they tried not to let it rule their lives and especially their sex lives. They had always had a pretty active sex life and now it had just gotten a bit more active than before.

Both Brian and Justin had agreed to keep their attempts to become pregnant a secret from their family and friends. Not because they didn't trust them or didn't want them to know, but mostly because neither of them was looking forward to having Debbie and Jennifer call them at all times of the day, asking if Brian was pregnant already. They would find out if it was to happen and if not, they would be none the wiser.

They had decided not to tell Gus and Luke either that they were trying for an addition to their family, deciding that they could tell them when Brian was pregnant. They were both pretty sure that both Gus and Luke would be fine with it and would be excited at the idea of having a younger brother or sister join their family, but neither of them felt ready to have either boy turn into a bad copy of Debbie and Jen and keep pestering them about updates about a possible pregnancy.

If it happened it happened and then they would find out. That was what Brian and Justin had agreed on and that was what they had done. And who knew? Maybe they would have to tell something soon, Brian thought as he once again retched and vomited the contents of his breakfast into the toilet bowl.

“Brian? Are you okay?”

“What does it sound like?” Brian snarked as he took a deep breath, hoping to calm his stomach down.

Justin came into the bathroom and looked at Brian who was leaning his head on his arms, taking deep breaths. Brian's stomach had been acting up for a couple of days now and he had been suffering from nausea, but only ever after breakfast, being absolutely fine for the rest of the day. Both men knew what this could mean and they had already made an appointment with Brian's doctor for later that day.

Brian retched some more and emptied the last contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl once more, when Justin knelt down at his side and gently rubbed his back. “Was it like this with Luke as well?” Justin asked quietly when Brian stopped retching and the worst seemed to be over.

“Yeah,” Brian just sighed. “God, I forgot how much I hated the morning sickness...,” He turned his head and glared at Justin. “I should have never let you near my ass without a condom. Ever!”

“Awwww, come on. You don't mean that. You and I both know how much you enjoyed it,” Justin teased, before he helped Brian up.

And the blond was right, Brian had to admit grudgingly. He had enjoyed Justin's dick up his ass without anything between them very much.

A smile spread on his face as he thought back to the first time Justin had topped him without a condom between them.

“Oh God... oh God, Brian... You're so tight and... God, this feels so amazing... Why didn't you tell me how amazing it felt...,” Justin breathed heavily as he pushed in and out of Brian's ass, fucking him to within an inch of his life.

A bit earlier that night, Brian had fucked Justin bareback for the first time ever in their relationship and it had been magical. Both Brian and Justin had been amazed by how different the whole experience of having sex felt without a condom and how much closer and more connected they felt when there was nothing between them.

It was amazing how much difference the thin layer of latex made. Who could have known?

“God, harder... Sunshine... So good... so amazing,” Brian moaned when thrust after thrust rocked his ass and he met each thrust with his own movement of his hips. This felt amazing. Just as amazing as fucking Justin had felt earlier.

The sheer memory of thinking back to that first fuck, of thinking back to him cumming in that tight channel of Justin's ass... God, Brian felt his balls tighten once more and felt his dick harden even more. Not that he had thought that was possible.

He could imagine how Justin was feeling right now, because he had felt exactly the same earlier that night when he had fucked Justin.

“God, I don't think I can last... Can't last, Brian,” Justin muttered, still pushing in and pulling out of Brian's ass at a steady rhythm.

After a couple of more thrusts, the younger man came with a loud, primal groan and emptied his seed into Brian's willing, welcoming ass.

He then collapsed on Brian's back, making them both tumble down onto the mattress. In his own bliss, he hadn't even noticed if Brian had come or not and felt slightly bad about that, but his own orgasm had just been too strong. He was sure something had short-circuited in his brain.

They lay like that for a couple of minutes, before Justin slowly started to pull out of Brian. When he started to pull away, he felt Brian move and felt his hand come around his backside, keeping him in place.

“Don't,” Brian whispered, slowly moving his head, so he could look up at Justin. “It feels amazing... Stay for a bit longer, please.”

Justin could only nod at that heartfelt request and stayed where he was, starting to leave small kisses on Brian's back and his neck.

They stayed like that for the longest time, before it was Brian that released his grip on Justin's round globes and turned his head once more, to meet Justin's for a quick kiss.

“That was amazing, Sunshine. God... otherworldly... Thanks...”

Justin could only chuckle, then started to slowly pull out of Brian, knowing that the older man was ready to let him go now.

“You felt so amazing,” Justin whispered once he had pulled out, leaning down next to Brian, their gazes meeting. “I can't even describe it. I think you fried my brain there.”

“Well, you're still able to talk and you were able to fuck me... I think we'll be fine,” Brian joked, before he turned onto his side and Justin saw the stain of cum on the bed beneath him. Okay, so Brian had come after all. Justin was glad for that.

He led his hand to Brian's cum and said silently. “I am sorry. I was so into it... I didn't even notice if you...”

“Don't worry. It was amazing. There was no way I wouldn't have cum.”

Justin smiled and they met for another kiss, before they headed for a quick shower and changed the linen of the bed.

Yeah, it had been amazing indeed and Brian had enjoyed it very much indeed. As had Justin.

Walking over to the sink, Brian quickly brushed his teeth, looking at Justin who was meeting his gaze in the mirror. “You know, this better not be just a stomach bug. I'll be so pissed if it is...”

“A stomach bug that only bothers you in the morning?” Justin raised an eyebrow at that.

“Well, you never know. I am just saying...”

“If it is, we'll be fine and we'll just keep trying, won't we?” the blond looked at Brian from under his long lashes.

“Of course we will,” Brian agreed, drying his face after he had used some cold water on it. “Just saying.”

“Does it feel the same as it did with Luke?”

“Well, it's vomiting. How does it feel really?” Brian mused, then turned around to meet Justin's gaze directly. “I guess we'll know soon enough.”

“Aren't there any other symptoms? Anything else?”

“What? Like a tightness in my tits?” Brian groused, making a face that showed Justin what he thought of his question.

“How would I know? Just asking,” Justin shrugged, before he turned around. Brian knew that he had hurt Justin with his thoughtless comment and he knew that Justin was only trying to show an interest in him and how he was doing. And Justin was right, how would he know? He hadn't been there when Brian had been pregnant with Luke and he had never been pregnant himself. Of course he couldn't know.

“Hey, Sunshine. Wait,” Brian walked after him and grabbed his hand, pulling Justin close until their chests touched. His voice was gentle when he spoke next. “At this stage, there would only be the morning sickness. Maybe some tiredness, but a lot of that can also be blamed on being sick the whole time, so... I guess not really. All the other symptoms like bloating like a whale, feeling the baby kick and all that stuff... that comes later.”

Justin nodded, accepting Brian's answer. When they left the bedroom, Brian remembered that there was something he had promised to do that morning. He had promised to take the boys to school. Shit! He had completely forgotten.

“What about Gus and Luke? Shit, we'll be so late...”

“Don't worry. I drove them. They both made it to school on time.”

“You did?” Brian raised an eyebrow. He hadn't even noticed that Justin had left.

“Where do you think I disappeared to while you puked your guts out?” Justin couldn't help but laugh, wondering what was going on in Brian's brain. Why else would he have left Brian on his own in the bathroom for half an hour?

“How long was I in there?” Brian frowned, having thought he had been vomiting for only a couple of minutes.

“About 45 minutes now,” Justin replied quietly, before they made their way into the kitchen and Justin put the kettle on to get Brian some tea to help him calm his stomach.

“Shit, really? Fuck, I need to give Ted a call. I'll never make it for the new Eyeconics pitch on time,” Brian sighed.

It had been Brian's plan to get the boys to school and then go into Pittsburgh into the office for the morning, so he could do the Eyeconics pitch, before he would return after lunch, so he and Justin could go and see his doctor about his vomiting.

“I called him on the way back from school. He knows you're not coming in today. I told him you still had that stomach bug. He'll do the presentation and he'll do fine. So don't fret about it.”

Brian made a face which only made Justin laugh. “I don't fret.”

“Yes you do and you know it. Ted has it all under control. You know that. Let him handle this and give your body some time to relax,” Justin urged, handing Brian the cup of fresh tea he had just prepared for him.

“Yes, mom,” Brian said mockingly which only earned him a snort from Justin in return.

“Kinky, but no thanks...”

“Are you sure?”

“Pretty damn sure... I might be blond and have blue eyes, but I don't do ice queen well,” Justin joked in reference to Brian's biological mother Joan.

“Well, Luke sure seems to do,” Brian winked, reminding Justin of that time when Luke had been in a Frozen phase and had loved to dress up in his Elsa dress that Emmett had gotten him. He had to laugh when he thought back to his stupid comment about him looking like Elsa in drag and how angry Luke had been with him for days afterwards. “And boy sure knows how to hold a grudge.”

“You deserved it,” Justin teased, coming over to Brian's side and bumping his shoulder against his partner's.

“Moi?” Brian theatrically lip-synched and raised his hands in innocence.

Justin just shook his head in amusement, then pulled back. “Are you okay? I was thinking of getting some more work on the large canvas done before we head to the doctor's.”

“I am fine,” Brian said in a serious voice, nodding towards the tea before him. “With you taking such good care of me, how could I not be?”

“Don't get used to it,” Justin said, before he moved to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water for himself.

“Oh, I intend to. At least for the next 9 months. Isn't that the deal? That you spoil me endlessly while I am carrying your child?”

“My child? And here I thought it was our child,” Justin huffed in good humour, looking at Brian from shining eyes.

“On good days it will be our child, on bad days or right after morning sickness, it will obviously be your child. That's how it works.”

“Why did I agree to this again?” Justin asked dramatically, as he walked back over to Brian's side and kissed his cheek gently.

“Because you love me and our sons oooooooh so much and can't wait to have another baby to love.”

“Right, I knew there was a reason,” Justin smiled, before he leaned in for a quick kiss. Once the kiss ended, he pulled back and looked at Brian from stern eyes. “Don't work too much, you hear me?”

“Well, since you already called in to the office for me and I don't have to do the Eyeconics pitch, how about I take a look at the new Dandy Lube designs and then yell at the art department because they will be shit for sure.”

“If only you knew an artist that understood you and your ideas,” Justin joked, then yelped when Brian gave him a clap on his ass as he walked away.

“I do, but he's too successful on his own and has show after show and refuses to come to work for me,” Brian said seriously.

He and Justin had been over this several times. Every time Brian got angry and frustrated with his art department for not getting his ideas and visions, Justin would just take one look at Brian's plans and would create a sketch that captured exactly what Brian had had in mind. Justin just understood him like no one else did and they worked together well.

Brian had suggested more than once that Justin should take on the job of head of art department at Kinnetik. When Justin had refused, Brian had offered him an advisory role which Justin had refused as well, claiming that he just didn't have the time with his own career and that really, he didn't want to become a part of the corporate world. He loved being an artist, he loved being independent and being able to create whatever came to his mind at whatever time he wanted and Brian knew that Justin was right.

Justin's career was going great, he was a well established artist with several shows a year, at least one or two of them international ones each year. Justin always made sure to schedule his international shows during the summer, so Brian and the boys could join him in France, Italy or wherever his agent sent him and seeing the joy on Justin's face when a show opened well and his paintings sold, Brian knew that he would never take that away from Justin. By now it was mostly a teasing game between the two of them. Justin knew that Brian respected and supported his own career in any way he could and was his greatest cheerleader and Brian knew that he would never ask Justin to give up his career or to change its direction.

Not after everything they had both sacrificed, so that Justin could have this career.

“Pity,” Justin threw over his shoulder with a laugh before he left the kitchen and left Brian on his own. Brian knew that he would be locked away in his studio for the next couple of hours and that he would probably have to remind him to have some lunch and to get ready for their appointment with his doctor. Once Justin got lost in his painting, he forgot all about time and the world around him and if it wasn't for Brian or the boys pulling him back to reality every once in a while, Brian knew that they wouldn't see Justin for days on time at times.

Watching after his partner as he left the kitchen, Brian couldn't help but smile. He really had gotten luckier than he deserved when Justin had forgiven him and had given their relationship another try.

Once he had finished his tea, Brian moved to his home office and got some work done. After a quick call with Ted to see how the Eyeconics pitch had gone (obviously Ted had done well and they had been as impressed as ever by the new campaign), Brian prepared a light snack for himself and Justin and decided to get his partner out of the depths of his studio before he got too lost in his own work.

Two hours later they sat in their doctor's office. Brian had just described his symptoms of nausea and vomiting and since the doctor had known about their attempts at having another baby, he immediately agreed that these could very well be pregnancy symptoms and he ordered a pregnancy test and ultrasound for Brian.

While they waited for the official results of the test, the doctor prepared the ultrasound and when Brian laid down, baring his stomach, Justin couldn't help but feel very nervous.

Brian sensed the nervousness in Justin and grabbed his hand, giving it a quick squeeze. “You alright?”

“Hmmm,” Justin nodded, his eyes glued to the screen where nothing was happening yet. “Just nervous.”

“Don't be,” Brian whispered, before the doctor started the ultrasound and started to spread the gel on Brian's lower abdomen.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he pointed to the screen and pointed at a small black dot that looked like nothing much to either Brian or Justin.

“I don't think that we'll have to wait for the results of the test to come back. Congratulations, you are pregnant!” The doctor announced, then turned to the men with a smile on his face. He then pointed at the screen once more, pointing out the head, a leg and some more things that were mostly only recognisable to him, but didn't mean much to Brian or Justin.

They trusted the doctor however and Justin was the first one to react. “Pregnant? Really?”

“I would say you're probably around the 8th week by now, but give me a minute to do some more measurements to be sure,” the doctor smiled at the couple that was clearly emotional.

Brian turned to Justin with glassy eyes, clearly feeling emotional. He wasn't surprised when he saw that Justin was actually crying. Justin had always been more emotional than him.

“We're going to have another baby,” Brian smiled, squeezing the smaller hand that was still holding on to his own.

Justin just nodded as the tears ran down his face, looking at Brian from shining eyes. He couldn't believe it. Well, yes, he could. After all they had been trying to have a baby for a couple of months now, but he couldn't believe it had really worked and that Brian was really pregnant. Which was ridiculous really, because they had been talking about pretty much nothing else for the last two days since they had recognised Brian's nausea and stomach problems for the morning sickness they now knew it had been. Yet it still felt amazing to have an official confirmation and to know for sure.

“I... I can't believe it,” Justin just whispered, his happy face turning to Brian's and leaning down for a quick kiss. He didn't care what the doctor thought, he just needed to kiss Brian right now.

Thankfully the doctor seemed to be used to such displays of affection and gave them a couple of minutes and just smiled at the men gently.

He pressed the button to print the ultrasound pictures, knowing that expecting parents loved to have the ultrasound images and then urged the couple to join him back at his desk.

Before they left, he gave them some information, confirming that Brian was indeed between seven and eight weeks pregnant, that his due date would be at the end of March of next year and that he wanted to see Brian again in four weeks time for another ultrasound, just to make sure that everything was alright, but that for now everything looked great and there was nothing to worry about.

Both men felt as if on a high when they left the office and if Gus and Luke noticed that their parents seemed extremely giddy and happy for some reason, they didn't comment on it, just thinking that it was just one of those things they would only understand when they were older. Something they often heard from both their fathers and everyone else in their family.

Chapter 5

Both Brian and Justin had agreed to keep the news about Brian's pregnancy to themselves for a while longer, just not feeling ready yet to share the happy news with their family. They knew everyone would be happy for them, but for now they just wanted to be the only ones to enjoy the happiness they felt at the news that Brian was pregnant again.

At times Justin still felt amazed that Brian must have gotten pregnant within the very first weeks of them trying for the baby and Brian would joke more than once that it must have been Justin's super sperm, claiming that it had managed to get Brian pregnant with Luke despite a condom, so of course without a condom, it would have no problem getting Brian pregnant in no time at all.

Justin would only blush whenever he heard comments like that, but at the same time couldn't help but also feel some pride. He was only human after all. And he was still a man.

It didn't take long after the ultrasound for Brian to start showing and for his belly to grow. At first the change had only been minimal, but knowing Brian's body as well as he did, Justin had immediately noticed when his belly had started growing. And he had loved every second of it. Brian not so much and Brian had started bitching and moaning about bloating like a whale and having to carry around so much extra weight and then in 7-8 months having to lose all that extra weight again, but Justin knew that most of Brian's bitching and moaning was only for show and that the man himself was more than excited about his pregnancy.

Justin smiled to himself when he thought back to all the times Brian's hand would unconsciously wander to his stomach and rest on his belly, all the times Brian would refuse some shit he and the boys were eating and would instead go for a healthier choice. Not that that was much unlike Brian in general, but usually Brian would at least steal some of the unhealthy food from Justin's plate, claiming that bad food wasn't bad if it wasn't on his plate or some shit. All of that had stopped now and Brian had even given up his beloved coffee. Something that paired with his morning sickness which had lasted for another couple of weeks had made him very grumpy in the mornings.

Thankfully Gus and Luke hadn't noticed much of the changes as most of the morning sickness only seemed to appear once they had already left for school. As for Brian not drinking his usual morning coffee anymore, Brian had just claimed that he wanted to try something new and the boys had accepted that, not really questioning why their daddy would not be drinking coffee anymore in the mornings.

For the most part Brian and Justin had enjoyed those first weeks of Brian's pregnancy and had enjoyed being on this ride together, but of course there had also been some bumps along the road. Every once in a while neither of them could pretend not to remember what had happened the first time Brian had been pregnant with Luke and sometimes their past would rear its ugly head. Mostly they knew by now how to deal with those moments, thanks to the months they had been in therapy together, but still those had been moments Justin could have done without.

However he hadn't been naïve enough to think that they wouldn't also have hard times to face with this pregnancy, he had pretty much expected it and he was happy that so far they had mastered those hard times together. They had sat down together and had talked calmly about it and had then tried to move on together, trying not to let their past influence their present too much.

Justin knew that Brian especially had a hard time with the effects of his past actions on his current pregnancy and he would see it in Brian's faraway look every time Justin would lavish his growing belly with affection or would talk to their unborn baby. He knew that Brian was pulled back to when he had been pregnant with Luke and was thinking about the missed chances and what he had taken from Justin by keeping his pregnancy a secret back then, knowing how much Justin enjoyed being part of this pregnancy, but Justin just tried not to make a bigger deal out of it than it should be.

Of course this pregnancy wasn't only easy for him. Of course it also brought memories back to him, memories of all the pain when he had found out about Luke's existence and of course Justin couldn't help but think about the missed chances and missed time and couldn't help but think about how much he would have loved to do all the things he was doing for their baby now for Luke as well, but then he reminded himself that it was in the past and no matter how much either of them would like to change that past, they couldn't. Brian had made his choice back then and they had lived with the consequences for years now. There was no point bringing it all up again in Justin's opinion, because he knew it wouldn't do either of them any good.

They would just have to stick together and would have to make it through those times together and would have to learn to enjoy the happy moments of this pregnancy. And he knew that all things considered, they were doing pretty okay so far.

He smiled when he saw Brian appear in the mirror behind him and saw him walking over to him, just a small towel wrapped around his waist which showed his steadily growing belly.

“Hey, handsome,” Justin smiled into the reflection as he ran a hand through his still slightly wet hair and then turned around to allow Brian to kiss him. They had decided on separate showers, so that they wouldn't be tempted to have sex again. Another good thing about this pregnancy was that Brian seemed to be hornier than ever and seemed to want more sex than ever and Justin was only too happy to oblige, but at times even he needed a break and now had been such a time.

“Hey,” Brian whispered huskily into the kiss, then pulled Justin closer, running his hand through his partner's hair, effectively messing up the hairstyle Justin had just been working on.

“You seem happy to see me,” Justin grinned into the kiss, then slowly pulled away, smiling at Brian.

“Always,” Brian smirked, standing next to Justin at the sink, grabbing his toothbrush and starting to brush his teeth.

“I'll remind you of that the next time you're cursing me and my dick to what was it? Neptune? Because it's the planet that's furthest away from Earth?” Justin chuckled, remembering how Brian had cursed him a couple of weeks ago for ever having gotten him pregnant to begin with.

“Well, you can't blame a man for suffering from pregnancy hormones, can you?” Brian tried to look innocent, but the mischievous glint in his eyes betrayed any such intention.

“Of course not,” Justin agreed as he walked behind Brian and wrapped his hands around the older man's middle, resting them on his by now clearly visible belly.

He loved running his hands over the belly, rubbing it and just touching it and just as he had imagined, the glow of pregnancy and the belly only made Brian more sexy than he had ever been. Not that he wasn't usually sexy, but something about pregnant Brian got Justin even more attracted to Brian and he had a hard time keeping his fingers from the older man.

“If I wasn't so sure that you loved me and the boys as well, I would be worried that you're only with me because I am pregnant,” Brian joked as he watched and felt Justin's hand glide up and down his growing belly.

“Well, what can I say... you're irresistable like this,” Justin whispered, before he nibbled on Brian's earlobe. This time it was Brian who pulled away and gave Justin a regretful smile. “If we weren't expecting the whole family within the next 20 minutes, I would say, go for it, Sunshine, but seeing as we are, I'll have to ask you to stop doing that or your mom and Debbie might see something they weren't expecting.”

“Wouldn't be the first time,” Justin snorted, but stopped when he heard Luke's voice behind him.

“Are you ready? Grandma Debbie and Grandpa Carl are here.”

“Early as usual,” Brian winked, before he walked over into the bedroom, picking up the clothes that were laid out on the bed. He ruffled Luke's hair and smiled at his son. “Remember what we said? It's a surprise, we won't mention the baby to anyone yet. We'll do it together later, okay?”

Luke nodded eagerly, remembering how his parents had sat him and Gus down earlier and had told them about the new baby that would be with them in a couple of months. And how it would be a surprise for the rest of the family and they would tell them all together later on.

He was so excited about this new baby. Finally he would have a younger brother or sister as well and he wouldn't be the youngest anymore. He wouldn't be the baby of the family anymore and he could finally be a big brother like Gus was. Yeah, he was looking forward to this new baby.

Brian watched as Justin and Luke left the bedroom and made their way downstairs just as the doorbell rang. He could hear Debbie's loud voice even upstairs in the master bedroom and wondered if Justin's and Luke's eardrums were still alive or had been shattered by that enthusiastic greeting.

As Brian got dressed, he thought back to earlier that afternoon and how they had told Gus and Luke about the new baby.

They sat at the kitchen table and were eating lunch when Justin cleared his throat and began to speak.

“Your Daddy and I have to tell you something and... we know it might be a surprise for both of you, but we hope that in the end you'll be as excited as we are.”

Brian picked up then, looking at the expectant faces of his two sons. “In a couple of months, you'll have a small baby brother or baby sister. I am pregnant,” he said with a smile on his face.

Justin had to laugh when Luke's eyes nearly fell out of his head, they had grown that big it seemed. “A baby brother or baby sister?”

“Pregnant?” Gus had asked at the same time, looking from Brian to Justin for confirmation.

Both men nodded, holding each other's hands as they saw the expressions on their sons faces. Luke immediately got up from his chair and ran around the table, throwing himself at Justin and then Brian afterwards. “I am soooooo excited. That is sooo cool. I always wanted a baby brother or baby sister. I won't be the smallest then any longer,” he exclaimed enthusiastically and both men could only laugh at his reaction.

“Yeah sonny boy, you'll finally have someone smaller and younger than yourself that you can spoil,” Brian drawled, feeling happy that Luke seemed more than excited at the news. Though he hadn't really expected anything else. Luke had always been open and welcoming in that way and had welcomed any new addition to their family with open arms. Be it a new partner for one of his uncles or be it a new pet or Daphne's baby when she had been pregnant. Luke just loved everyone and seemed to live by the motto: the more the merrier. No, neither Brian nor Justin had been worried about Luke's reaction and Luke just proved that they had been right not to worry.

After looking at Brian from wide eyes, he asked if he could see the new baby, remembering how Daphne's belly had been all big and round before she had given birth.

Brian dutifully lifted his shirt and showed his small belly to his son and after a questioning gaze from Luke and a smile and nod from Brian, both Justin and Brian watched as Luke touched Brian's belly gently.

“Hey baby... I can't wait to meet you,” he whispered to Brian's belly, gently running his small hands over it. The scene was so cute that both Brian and Justin had tears in their eyes when their gazes met.

They then turned their attention to Gus, who hadn't said much yet. They hadn't really been worried about Gus' reaction, but they both knew that Gus was now a teenager which was a difficult time in itself and in addition to that, had more trouble accepting new members in their family than Luke had, due to his past and his abandoment issues.

Gus eyed the display in front of him from wide eyes that were glued to Brian's belly. He then met his father's questioning gaze and a smile spread on his face. Both Brian and Justin felt relief wash through them when they heard Gus' words.

“Cool! Another baby to spoil and play with,” he just said, then came over and gave both Brian and Justin a hug. “I am happy for you.” He then also hugged Luke and grinned at him evilly. “And you, baby brother.”

“Hey, I am not a baby anymore,” Luke immediately protested.

“Yes, you'll still be my baby brother. At least until this new baby gets born,” Gus grinned and then placed his hand on Brian's abdomen as well.

All in all the boys had pretty much reacted in the way that Brian and Justin had expected and Brian had sat down with Gus a while later, asking him if he was really okay with the new baby. With Gus being 13 now, he couldn't blame him if he would be annoyed by a new baby. He was at an age now where he could possibly be annoyed by anything, so that wouldn't have been a big surprise to either man.

Thankfully Gus had seemed really excited about the baby though and had seemed really happy and had even offered his help and babysitting services for when the baby was born. Paid of course. So he would have more money to spend with his friends. Of course.

Brian couldn't help but smile when he thought back to that conversation and his hand wandered down to his small belly, gently stroking it. “You'll be fine. And most of all you'll be loved. You'll have a loving family around you and you'll never have to worry about anything,” he said quietly, before he made his way out of the room and joined his family downstairs.

Two hours later, after they had enjoyed a nice dinner together, everyone was ready to move away from the table and to move into smaller groups to talk about this or that when Brian raised his voice and made them all stop. “Before you all run off to talk to the people you actually like about the things that actually interest you,” Brian threw a glance at Carl and Drew, knowing that those two couldn't wait to get away from the table so they could talk about football, “Justin and I have an announcement to make.”

“An announcement?” Debbie asked, looking at them from confused eyes. “What kind of announcement?”

“If you'd let me finish, Ma, you'd find out,” Brian chastised good-naturedly and winked at her. Debbie just snorted and looked at both Brian and Justin expectantly.

Brian nodded at Luke and Gus, who quickly left the room and then came back with what looked like small canvasses in their hands. When Justin gave them a sign, they turned the canvasses around, so that everyone around the table could see what was on them.

An updated, enlarged image of their latest ultrasound image where the form of a baby was now clearly recognisable.

There were a lot of gasps and surprised exclamations around the table and a loud “I knew it!” from Ted which made Brian frown at him.

“You don't normally get sick and when you didn't come into the office for weeks and then only came in the afternoons, but never the mornings... well, it just reminded me of when you were pregnant with Luke and had your morning sickness. So of course I wondered,” the older man explained and everyone at the table could just nod. That made sense.

“Well, you were right, Theodore,” Brian drawled. “Justin and I are 14 weeks pregnant and are expecting our new son or daughter by the end of next March.”

At that point everyone got up from the table and engulfed the two men in hugs and drowned them in congratulations. Gus and Luke got a lot of congratulations as well, congratulating them on becoming big brothers (again in Gus' case) and the two of them just loved the attention.

There had been tears from Debbie and Jen who had been beyond excited at the prospect of becoming grandmothers again and Emmett, when Brian and Justin had asked him if he'd like to be the godfather of their unborn child. Brian and Justin had talked about that earlier and with Ted and Blake already being Luke's and Gus' godfathers, it only felt right that Auntie Em would finally get that honour as well and would become a godparent to one of their children as well. He would have to share that honour with Daphne, though that was alright with Emmett. He loved Daphne and they would spoil the baby like crazy. That statement only made Brian groan and Justin hitting him in his side playfully.

“Hey, no hitting the pregnant man,” Brian complained and smiled happily when Justin made up for the hit by kissing him breathless.

All in all the family had taken the news exceptionally well and everyone had been beyond happy for them and their family.

When it was time for everyone to head back to Pittsburgh, Debbie hung around a bit longer, claiming to help with cleaning up. While Justin was outside saying goodbye to his mother and her boyfriend, she turned to Brian.

“You look happy,” she said, looking him up and down.

“I am,” he just replied, meeting her gaze head on.

“I am glad for you and Sunshine. You both deserve this,” she said, before she took him into one of her crushing hugs. “He must be over the moon.”

“He is,” Brian nodded, allowing her to hug him some more. “We both are.”

“Why now?” Debbie asked as she pulled back from the hug, continuing to put away leftovers.

Brian shrugged. “It didn't really come up before and... the time just feels right now.”

“Are you sure?” Debbie asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, why not? We didn't rush into this when we got back together, we took the time to make sure we would work as a couple and as a family and now we're ready to take the next step and to add to that family. We both want this,” Brian said seriously, not quite sure what Debbie was aiming at.

“It's just... it seems like such bad timing.”

“Bad timing? Why?” Brian frowned, not sure that he followed.

“With Michael getting out of prison and everything,” she said quietly, as if unwilling to even mention his name.

“Michael?” Brian frowned, his face immediately darkening. If he was honest with himself, he hadn't thought about Michael in years. Definitely not at all since Justin had been back. His life had been busy with his partner, his sons, his family, his job and company and he didn't have any time left to spare on his former best friend. Not that he even wanted to think about him. Michael had died to him the day he had helped Lindsay kidnap his son.

“It's been eight years now, Brian. He's getting out soon,” Debbie said quietly.

When Brian thought about it, he knew that Debbie was right. Luke had been six months when Lindsay had abducted him and he had been around a year when the trial had been over that had judged Michael to eight years in prison. Luke had just turned nine a couple of weeks ago. He knew that Debbie was right, but he hadn't thought about Michael in years and hadn't given him or his sentence any attention at all.

“Well, he'll know better than to contact me. Both Justin and I have restraining orders in place to protect ourselves and the boys. If he contacts us, he'll pay for it,” Brian said darkly, making a mental note to check in with his lawyer to make sure everything was still in place and Michael couldn't contact them.

“I know, I am just saying... You know him,” Debbie muttered darkly, not meeting Brian's gaze. Brian knew that Michael's sentence and everything that had followed afterwards had been hard for Debbie and he knew that Debbie hadn't been in contact with him for years, at least that was the last information he had had years ago.

“Has he been in contact with you?” He asked, trying not to make his voice sound too hostile. After all Michael was still her son and he knew how he would feel if one of his sons had done what he had done. He would still love them because they were his sons and he knew that on some level, despite all the pain Michael had caused her, Debbie still loved him.

She shook her head. “No, not in years, but... he always had an unhealthy obsession with you and... I just fear that he will come back here and will try to weasel his way back into your good graces.”

“Well, he won't succeed,” they suddenly heard Justin's voice from behind them. They hadn't noticed him coming back into the house, even less the kitchen and were both surprised that he had heard part of or even their whole conversation.

“Debbie,” Brian started, looking from her to Justin and back. He knew that what he would say next, was something they both had to hear. “He died to me when he helped Lindsay take away my baby. He is dead to me. There is no way for him to weasel his way back into my good graces. If he comes close to me or anyone else in my family, he will pay for it. There is nothing he can do or say that will make me forgive him for what he did that day or in the months prior. I won't forget what he said about Luke or Justin...”

When Justin walked over to his side and leaned into him, Brian wrapped his arms around his younger lover. “We have a family, Debbie. A new baby on the way. Michael is not even a blip on our radar and he won't be.”

Debbie nodded when she saw the determined expressions on both their faces. “I... I guess I just worry too much.”

“Since you worry about us and our family, we'll forgive you,” Brian winked, then pulled her close and into a hug as well. “Don't let him get to you, Ma. You've got a family that loves you and needs you. There's a new baby on its way that needs to be smothered in love by his or her grandmother,” Brian said quietly when he took her hand and rested it on his abdomen.

She nodded with tears in her eyes, leaving big lipstick kisses on both their foreheads. “I love you, boys. You have no idea.”

After a couple of more minutes of conversation in which they focused on the new baby and tried to steer the conversation away from the topic of Michael, Debbie and Carl bid them goodbye and got on their way back to Pittsburgh as well.

Before they left, Carl promised Brian that he would take care of Debbie and would look out for her and would make sure that she was okay in the coming weeks. No matter what might happen or might not.

Chapter 6

Brian and Justin enjoyed this new phase of their relationship and enjoyed experiencing this pregnancy together and with their boys.

It had been fun to watch how Gus and especially Luke had become more and more excited about this baby, the more visible Brian's belly had become. Both boys couldn't wait for their younger brother or sister to arrive and Luke just loved coming up to his daddy, cuddling into his side and then resting his head on his daddy's belly, silently talking to the new baby.

He would spend a lot of time telling his younger sibling about all the things he loved about his family and about his daddies and about all the fun things they would do together once the baby was born.

Brian and Justin loved these moments and especially Brian had tears in his eyes more than once when he saw Luke like that. It reminded him so much of how Justin would behave when they were alone. Justin had taken up talking to their unborn baby as well and he also loved resting his head on Brian's belly, feeling connected to their baby that way.

Funnily enough, as far as Brian and Justin were aware, Luke had never watched them in one of those private moments. Yes, both Luke and Gus had seen Justin with his hands on Brian's belly and leaning in to talk to the baby in his belly, mostly in a joking manner to make fun of Brian in some form or other, but the way Justin would rest his head on his belly, that was something they only did behind closed doors.

It amazed both men that Luke had unknowingly copied Justin's way of communicating with the baby in that manner and more than once Brian would tease him that Luke was very obviously Justin's son through and through.

Justin loved painting Brian with his belly and with either boy spending time with Brian and being focused on the belly. Just looking at his last two sketchbooks, it had become obvious that Justin was more than fascinated by pregnant Brian and loved drawing him, be it alone or with their sons.

“You are addicted to my belly,” Brian teased and Justin could only snort.

“I wouldn't call it addicted.”

“Really?” Brian raised an eyebrow. “We have two full sketchbooks that tell me differently, Sunshine.”

“I have always drawn you and the boys,” Justin defended weakly.

“Not that much. This is extreme even for you,” Brian winked, then stopped teasing Justin. He knew that Justin was fascinated by the changes to his body and he knew that Justin loved every second of his pregnancy. It was obvious in the way he cared, in the way he took care of Brian and the boys and in the way he just wanted, almost needed to be involved in everything. And Brian would be the last person to try and stop that enthusiasm. Not after everything they had been through with Luke. He loved being pregnant again and he loved how much Justin loved that he was pregnant. He couldn't be happier.

“Are you complaining?”

“Not at all. You know I love getting your artistic juices flowing,” Brian smirked in his typical Kinney fashion.

“Not just my artistic juices,” Justin snorted, then leaned over to give Brian a quick kiss. That kiss quickly turned into more and soon after they were panting heavily as they were making out like teenagers on their sofa.

Good thing that the boys were in school and Brian and Justin had decided to take the rest of the day off after their earlier doctor's appointment when they had been in for another ultrasound.

Brian was 18 weeks pregnant now and so far everything looked more than good. He was healthy, the baby seemed to develop just fine and their doctor was very happy with how the pregnancy had progressed so far.

Justin and Brian were very happy as well, because now that the morning sickness had passed for several weeks, they just had to live with the happy side effects of the pregnancy, it being too early for the ugly side effects that Brian had moaned and bitched about ever since they had found out that he was pregnant. So far he had a nice, rounded belly, but wasn't fat as a whale as he liked to complain, he could still walk, didn't have back pains and swollen feet. Justin knew that Brian would be horrible to live with once they made it to the last trimester of the pregnancy, but for now, everything was just great and they were very happy.

And neither of them dreamed to complain about the side effect that they loved most: Brian's constant horniness. If it was up to him, they would have sex in some way, shape or form 20 times a day. Since neither he nor Justin had the stamina for that and since their professional lives didn't allow for that, they just had sex whenever possible and enjoyed being together in that way as long as they still could.

After a few minutes of skilled sucking and licking by Justin, Brian came inside his partner's throat with a deep moan.

“God... Sunshine... you killed me...”

“I hope not, I still have plans for this,” Justin smiled as he looked up from behind Brian's belly and then looked down at his own erection.

“You do? I hope it doesn't involve me moving too much... because you have officially killed me.”

“That would be a pity...,” Justin pretended to look sad. “I really was hoping for a future of years and years of fucking, sucking, rimming and God knows what.”

“I hear they have amazing technologies nowadays. Sex robots and all that shit. I am sure we can buy you a nice sex robot.”

“Ewwww,” Justin made a face. “Are you trying to kill the mood?”

“Moi?” Brian raised an eyebrow and grinned innocently, once he had his breathing under control again, he leaned up and rolled over, so he was on top of Justin. He then leaned in and hungrily claimed his partner's lips in a heated kiss.

When they broke apart, both of them out of breath, Brian smirked at Justin. “Mood resurrected?”

“Just like you, apparently,” Justin smiled, then claimed Brian's lips in another kiss, before he started moving, rubbing his still rock-hard erection against Brian's belly.

“Need you,” the younger man started to moan into the kiss, enjoying the friction the movement of his penis against Brian's belly created.

They continued kissing and making out like that for several more minutes, before Justin came with a loud groan, shooting his semen all over Brian's belly.

Brian pulled back, rolling onto his back, being careful not to get any cum on the sofa.

“You really have a freaky obsession with my belly,” Brian mumbled as he stared at the cum on his by now well-rounded belly.

“It's sexy. I can't help it,” Justin muttered, before he led his fingers over and gently started moving them through the cum on Brian's belly.

“What are you doing now?” Brian raised an eyebrow, wondering if Justin was losing his mind. It looked like he was painting.

“Painting,” the younger man confirmed a second later, looking up at Brian from bashful eyes. “Do you think... that I could paint on your belly... you know when... when you're further along?”

Brian's eyes widened, sure that Justin had really lost it. “What?”

“I'd love to paint on your belly. I read about it on the internet and it's a thing that's apparently very popular right now. Having your partner paint on your belly, using it as a canvas. It'll help build a connection with the baby. We can even have Luke and Gus help us,” Justin explained enthusiastically, his whole face shining with excitement.

“It'll be big like a canvas, that's for sure,” Brian mumbled, not meeting Justin's eyes as he spoke.

“Please?” Justin pleaded, leaning closer and resting his head on Brian's chest. “Later on we can even do our own painting. You know? When the boys are in bed. Just you and me,” Justin raised his head to meet Brian's eyes, giving him a playful look.

“Justin,” Brian groaned, not sure he liked the idea. Sure, he always liked when Justin got playful and he had never regretted going along with any of his plans so far, but painting on him? Like a human canvas? That sounded a bit too much.

“You won't regret it. I promise,” Justin whispered, as if reading Brian's mind. “And you can't really be surprised. You've been dating an artist for years now. You should be used to my ideas by now.”

Brian guessed that Justin was right, he should be used to them by now. Justin was the typical artist and sometimes his muse would strike him and an idea that would seem utterly crazy to any reasonable human being seemed like the best idea ever to Justin. And crazily enough, Justin always pulled it off and made it work, somehow.

“I've created a monster,” Brian muttered in a resigned voice, knowing that when it came to it, he would do whatever Justin asked of him. He would do anything he could to make that man happy because more than anything Justin made him happy as well and he only deserved the same in return.

Knowing that he had won, Justin grinned from ear to ear. “You really won't regret it.”

He then leaned in and they kissed for several minutes, before Justin's phone started beeping.

“Fuck,” both Brian and Justin sighed in unison, knowing that the alarm meant that their little afternoon playtime was over. They had to get ready to pick up Gus and Luke from school.

Thankfully they had planned enough time so that they had time for a quick shower and of course a quickie in the shower, before they made their way to the boys' school and picked them up.

Once back at home, as promised earlier that morning, Brian and Justin shared the latest pictures from the ultrasound they had been to earlier that day.

One of these days, they would schedule an ultrasound in the afternoon, so that the boys could join them and both boys were more than excited about that, but so far that hadn't worked out with their busy schedules. Knowing that there were still several months to go and there would still be several ultrasounds coming up, they weren't worried about it yet though. It would work out at one of their future appointments.

For now the boys were happy with seeing the ultrasound pictures of their unborn brother or sister and loved talking about what they could recognise already.

“I can see the head,” Luke excitedly exclaimed as he looked at the ultrasound pictures. “And these are arms, right?” He asked, pointing to a dark spot on the image.

“Yes, they are,” Justin happily agreed, running his hand through his son's hair, immediately feeling infected by his enthusiasm.

“Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?” Gus asked, looking at the pictures in front of him in awe.

“No, we don't,” Brian answered, looking at his son from the same hazel eyes that he saw looking back at him. “We decided that we don't want to know before your brother or sister gets born.”

“Why not? I want to know,” Luke immediately said and made them laugh with the earnesty in his voice.

“Daddy and I have decided that we don't care if this baby is going to be a boy or a girl. We will love it anyway and to us all that matters is that the baby will be healthy,” Justin explained with a smile on his face.

“But... what about buying clothes for the baby or decorating the nursery?” Gus pointed out.

“We thought about that as well, but decided that there would be enough gender neutral options for clothes and nursery designs. Your Papa already has some great ideas.”

“You do?” Gus looked at Justin from excited eyes.

Justin nodded. “Yeah, I've been thinking about some themes for the nursery. Maybe something nature-themed, like a forest or an underwater scene. Or maybe some animals. I don't really know yet.”

“Can I help you when you've made a decision?” Gus asked, looking excited at the prospect of being allowed to help Justin decorate his sibling's room.

“Of course you can. You both can,” Justin said happily. He and Gus painted together a lot and Gus had become a great painter for his young age and Justin was happy that Gus seemed eager to want to help with the nursery.

He didn't know why, but somehow he had always felt a bit sad for Gus and had always felt scared that Gus might be resentful of their new baby. After all, this would be Brian's and his second biological child and just like they were the parents of Luke, they would be of this baby as well. He felt like it was only making it more obvious to Gus that he was not their biological child. Not that Gus had ever said anything or that they had ever made him feel that way or treated him any differently than Luke. For years now Gus had referred to Justin as 'Papa' as well, just like Luke did and Gus had never voiced anything in that direction, but still Justin couldn't stop thinking that way.

When he had voiced his concerns to Brian a few months ago while they had still tried to become pregnant, Brian had thankfully seen where he was coming from and had understood his fears and had made it a point to make sure that Gus wouldn't feel left out. And Justin knew he didn't, but maybe with him being 13 now and being a teenager, Justin was just overthinking things.

In any case, he was happy that Gus seemed so eager to want to help with the nursery and seemed as excited about the new baby as Luke was.

“Maybe I can come up with some ideas as well,” Gus mused and was encouraged by his father right away.

“Absolutely. Share them with us and we'll see what we like best,” Brian said happily.

They all continued looking at the ultrasound pictures for some time longer, before it was time to get started on dinner.

Luke was only too happy to help his Papa with the preparations, while Brian helped Gus on some school project he was working on.

When they all sat down for dinner, Luke looked at his fathers. “Daddy, Papa, can I have one of the pictures of M and show Auntie Em?”

“A picture of M?” Brian frowned not sure that he understood what Luke was talking about.

“The new baby,” Luke explained as if Brian was awfully slow to understand.

“Why would you call the baby M?” Justin asked interestedly.

Luke shrugged. “Auntie Em and I looked at the previous pictures and well...it didn't look much like a baby and I thought it looked like a peanut. He then said, like a peanut that could be stuffed into an M&M. And since it's only one baby and not two, we started calling the baby M.” He explained it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “And obviously he is called Auntie Em and he will be the baby's godfather, so... it's cool for the baby to be called like him, right?”

Brian and Justin just looked at each other and tried hard not to laugh. That sounded like Emmett alright.

“Uh, yeah... I guess,” Brian replied after a few seconds of trying to get himself under control. Sometimes Luke could be too damn cute.

“So, can I have a picture of M to show him?” Luke asked again and Brian and Justin could only nod.

“Can I show a picture of M to Grandma Debbie when we go there tomorrow?” Gus asked a few seconds later, obviously having adopted his brother's name for their new sibling.

“Yeah, sure,” Justin answered, still somewhat amused by the new name. “You know she's gonna hug you to death though once you show her?”

“I'll survive,” Gus replied in a bored voice, sounding more like Brian than was probably good for the boy.

“You are a braver man than I am,” Brian only chuckled, clapping his son on the back. “Be my guest and show Debbie. At least then I won't have to do it.”

“Brian!” Justin exclaimed, shaking his head in disbelief at his partner.

“Hey, I am pregnant. No hugging me to death. And if sonny boy here offers, who am I to say no?”

“You are unbelievable,” Justin chuckled in amusement, smiling when Brian just grinned back at him mischievously.

“That I am!”

And that was how the Kinney-Taylors started calling the new, unborn addition to their family M. At first Brian and Justin had refused to use the name, but after a couple of days of hearing it constantly from Gus and Luke and surprisingly enough most of their family (apparently Emmett had already spread the name around), they gave in and started calling their unborn baby M as well.

After all it wasn't as if they had already thought about names anyway.

Chapter 7

Getting to the halfway point of the pregnancy, both Brian and Justin started preparations for the final weeks and the time when the baby would be born.

Brian had already been through it all concerning Kinnetik with Ted and Cynthia when he had been pregnant with Luke before and much like the first time, Ted and Cynthia offered to take over some of Brian's workload and to divide it between the two of them.

After all the years of having worked at Kinnetik with Brian, they knew the company and the clients as well as Brian did and they had a pretty good idea what he would agree with and what would go against his opinion.

Just like when he had been pregnant with Luke, they slowly lowered his workload, which had never been as high as it had been before Brian had gotten pregnant the first time. After he had had Luke and then with Gus coming to live with him, Brian had gotten back into work at Kinnetik, but never to the extent he had worked before he had had the boys living with him.

That hadn't changed even when Justin had come back and they had given their relationship another try. Yes, Brian would go into the office in Pittsburgh more often than he had before, knowing that Justin would be home to take care of the boys, who to be fair, would be in school most of the day anyway, but despite all that, Brian had never gotten into his crazy workload again like he had in his younger years. He always made it a point to be home in time for dinner at the latest and still tried to work from home more days than not.

He loved his work and he loved the hustle and bustle of Kinnetik, but he also loved spending time with his family. He loved helping Gus and Luke with their homework, he loved helping them on projects, he loved practicing soccer with Luke and doing some photography with Gus, which over the years had kind of become their thing. He also loved being able to work from home and being able to spend time with Justin whenever he wanted. He loved having him in his studio just a few doors away and loved being able to walk over and say hi for a quick afternoon delight whenever he felt like it.

Therefore a lot less planning was involved in preparing Kinnetik for the time of him giving birth and being with the new baby than he had anticipated.

Things were slightly different for Justin, but since they had been planning to have a baby for a while now, Justin had already rescheduled most of his planned shows.

He was due to have his last show before the baby in two months time in New York, but after that he would only work on a couple of commissions and wouldn't have another show for about a year.

His agent hadn't been all that happy when Justin had announced to her that he wouldn't be doing another show for a year, but in the end there was nothing she could do about it. Justin had fulfilled his contractual obligations, had promised to finish his commissions and had just decided to not take on any new ones for the moment.

Both Brian and Justin knew that Justin would create one way or another during this break. He was already filling sketchbook after sketchbook with drawings of Brian and the boys and Brian knew that he had also worked on a couple of new pieces.

Justin would always create one way or another and while he made an almost obscene amount of money with his paintings at times, neither of them needed that money. Justin hadn't been under any pressure to create in recent years and had always only created when he had felt like it. By now his agent was used to that, even though it wasn't something that made her particularly happy. Brian had always said that she was just interested in her own piece of the cake and her own salary, but Justin had just waved that away.

He had known his agent for years, worked with her ever since he had come to New York as a young man and knew that by now she also cared about him as a person and not just as an artist that would make her money.

She had accepted his choice to prioritise his family, had helped him accommodate his schedule, so it would always work with the boys' school schedules and now she would just have to do it again. End of story as far as Justin was concerned.

Once their careers had been taken care off and they had been able to take a step back from their professional lives, another thing had shown up in their life, rearing its ugly head, demanding their attention. Namely one person: Michael.

Michael had been released from prison a couple of weeks earlier. So far he had stayed clear of everyone in their Pittsburgh family, but neither Brian nor Justin were naïve enough to trust that silence. Thankfully they had a contact in the police force with Carl, who gave them regular updates about Michael. Having worked in the force for nearly 40 years, Carl knew a lot of people and was highly respected and he knew the person that was Michael's social worker.

From him, he had gotten the update that Michael had returned to Pittsburgh after he had been released from prison. So far he hadn't ventured near Liberty Avenue and had seemed to stay clear of any of his old contacts. As far as Carl had been told, Michael had moved into a small one bedroom apartment and was working for a cleaning company, cleaning commercial properties, earning a small salary that way.

The restraining orders that Brian, Justin and the boys had against Michael, made it clear that he was not to contact them in any way, shape or form and was not allowed to come closer to them than 500 yards. He also wasn't allowed to visit any properties owned by Brian and Justin, which by now included their house, the loft, Babylon, Kinnetik and the Liberty Diner, which Brian and Justin had bought a couple of years ago.

Both men knew that despite everything, Debbie had been hurt when Michael hadn't contacted her at all. They knew that after everything that had happened, she still loved him and probably always would. They had talked about it and had both agreed that they had no right to interfere in Debbie's relationship with her son, as long as Michael stayed clear from them and as long as Debbie didn't try to force anything on them as far as Michael was concerned.

Everyone in the family knew better than to expect anything from Brian and Justin where Michael was concerned and everyone, including Debbie, only understood too well and agreed with them.

While Debbie might have hoped for Michael to contact her and might have hoped for a reunion of sorts in her heart, she had known very well that even though she might be willing to give Michael another chance, Brian and Justin weren't and she would never force them to. After what Michael had done, she knew she couldn't expect anything else from her other two sons and she didn't.

Yet no one blamed her for feeling hurt when Michael hadn't even given her a call or come by her house. They all knew that Debbie loved him despite everything and probably always would as only a mother could.

***

“Brian,” Justin sighed, when he heard Brian coughing again and wheezing for air. “You need to see a doctor.”

“It's just a cold,” Brian said quietly, through his wheezing breathing as he tried desperately not to cough more. And failed.

As another coughing fit hit him, Justin slowly walked over and rubbed a gentle hand over Brian's back. “It's not just a cold. This sounds like a really bad chest infection. Damn, you can hardly take a proper breath.”

“Well, what did you expect? Without antibiotics?” Brian got out inbetween his coughing, taking a sip from his tea afterwards, trying to comfort his burning throat that felt as if it was on fire. Much like his lungs. God, it hurt to breathe and Brian just wanted this bad cold to be gone. He couldn't remember ever having felt like shit as he did now. Well, apart from when he had had cancer.

Justin sighed, knowing that Brian was partially right. When he had gotten this bad cough a week and a half ago, they had tried to treat it with household remedies, trying to stay away from medicine as far as they could, what with Brian being pregnant and all.

Now the cough had gotten so bad however, that Brian had real trouble breathing at times and would sometimes cough for what seemed like hours on end. This wasn't just a normal cough anymore and Justin doubted that it could be treated with household remedies. He had also seen how much pain Brian had been in, trying to breathe at times. He was getting really worried and while he knew that Brian hated doctors and hated when Justin worried, Justin had enough of seeing Brian in pain, of hearing him cough like he would never stop and of him sounding as if every breath was painful and might be his last.

“I want you to see the doctor tomorrow,” he put his foot down, walking around Brian, looking at him sternly, not accepting any contradiction. “There must be something that you can take that won't hurt M. This coughing can't be good for you and the baby. Hell, you sound like you can hardly breathe at times.”

“Justin, it will go away,” Brian just muttered angrily, not liking how Justin was making a bigger deal out of this than it needed to be. It was just a cough, a bad cough, yes, but just a cough. And since he was pregnant, he would be damned if he took any prescription drugs that might harm the baby. It would go away. He just needed to give it time.

Then another coughing fit hit him and this one was so bad, that Brian nearly doubled over from the effort it took him to get a good, deep breath into his lungs.

When he took his hand away from his mouth, he frowned when he saw small red spots on it.

“Is that blood?” Brian immediately heard the fear in Justin's voice and when their eyes met, he saw disbelief there that quickly turned into something else. Panic.

“I am calling an ambulance. Now!” Justin moved away and reached for the phone.

“Justin, stop!”

“You are fucking coughing blood. That is not normal, Brian. I am calling an ambulance.”

“No, you won't!”

“You don't just start coughing blood, Brian. I will call a fucking ambulance. Now.”

Brian was coughing again, and wasn't able to speak through his coughing. He reached for Justin's arm and pulled him back, looking at him from pleading eyes. “No...,” he got out as he tried to get his breathing under control.

“Brian, please,” Justin now had tears in his eyes and it hurt him to see Brian like that. He knew Brian was in pain, he knew he had trouble breathing normally, he knew that all the coughing hurt him and now there was blood. This was nothing they could treat with household remedies.

“It will scare the boys,” Brian whispered, looking at Justin from pleading eyes. “No ambulance.”

“You need to see a doctor,” Justin insisted and was relieved when Brian nodded after the longest time of just staring him in the eyes.

“We will drive to the emergency room,” Brian agreed after some time of trying to control his breathing. “Get your mom to watch them. Don't want them to get scared.”

Justin was ready to protest, but in the end just nodded. At least Brian had agreed to see a doctor and the more Justin thought about it, the more he knew that Brian was right. If he called an ambulance now, at 11pm at night when both of the boys were asleep, they would be panicked and scared. They would immediately know that something was wrong and the more Justin thought about it, the more he realised the flaws in his plan. He would need to stay at home with the boys. He couldn't leave them alone after their father had just been taken away by an ambulance, but he also needed to be with Brian and needed to be at his side. And he would be torn about who needed him more.

Maybe Brian was right. Maybe it was smarter to call his mother and ask her to watch the boys. They wouldn't even have to wake up the boys. They would never need to know that Brian and Justin had gone to the emergency room and hopefully they would be back long before it was time for the boys to go to school.

After thinking about it some more, he knew that Brian was right and reluctantly agreed with his plan.

He picked up his phone, called his mother and asked her if she could come by and watch the boys as he needed take Brian to the hospital to see a doctor.

His mother had known about Brian's coughing, had known about his reluctance to see a doctor for it and was smart enough not to ask many questions. She had heard the panic in her son's voice and she knew better than anyone that Brian would only agree to go to the hospital if things were indeed serious.

Knowing that a point like that had apparently been reached, she just let Justin know to give her half an hour and got ready without asking any more questions. Within five minutes she was on the road to Britin, worrying for her son and his partner, hoping that everything would be okay.

When Jennifer arrived at Britin, she immediately saw the reason for Justin's panic and agreed that they needed to go to the hospital. Brian was coughing badly and he was coughing into a tissue and she could see the small red spots on the tissue.

She had been a mother long enough to know that coughs could get quite bad, but neither Justin nor Molly had ever coughed bad enough to cough up blood. She knew that this was serious and rushed her son and his partner out of the house the minute she arrived.

Settling down in the kitchen with a cup of tea, Jennifer hoped against hope that everything would be alright. She cared deeply about Brian, had come to love him like a second son and she worried that this might not just be a cough. And in his current condition, being more than 20 weeks pregnant, she hoped that he would be fine again soon and that no harm would come to her unborn grandchild.

Getting ready for a long, sleepless night, she moved into the living-room and turned on the TV, not really paying attention to what was on.

***

At the hospital, Brian and Justin had to wait for a long time before they were seen by a doctor. Apparently it had been a busy night and nobody seemed overly concerned by the pregnant man that was coughing up blood. By the time they were led into a treatment room, Justin was ready to rip someone apart.

Brian's breathing had gotten more laboured with every coughing fit and he seemed to cough up more blood every time. By now Justin was really scared and only hanging on by a thread. He knew that Brian needed him to be calm and needed him to not panic, but that was harder said than done for Justin at this moment. He was worried like crazy and wished that they would already have a diagnosis that would tell them what was wrong with Brian and most importantly, that he and M would be fine soon.

As they waited for a doctor to arrive, a nurse had provided Brian with oxygen, making it easier for him to breathe. He was still coughing a lot and he was still coughing up blood, but at least he seemed to get more oxygen now and seemed calmer himself.

Brian's voice sounded strangely distorted when he spoke from under the oxygen mask. “It's going to be fine, Sunshine!”

“You don't know that...,” Justin just replied quietly, holding on to Brian's hand and squeezing it.

“It's just a cough. They'll give me something that won't harm M and in a week we'll laugh about this.”

Justin just nodded, knowing that Brian knew he wasn't believing a word of what he was saying, but also knowing that Brian needed him to agree and didn't need him to contradict. Justin wasn't an idiot and he knew that Brian wasn't one either. He had seen the fear in Brian's eyes the more he had coughed up blood. Both of them were aware that most likely this was not a normal cough, but neither was ready to think about what it could be or where it might have come from.

As long as they could pretend it was just a cough, they could pretend it would go away soon and they would be fine soon. All of them,including their unborn baby. Justin knew Brian needed to cling to that and if that was what Brian needed, that was what they would do.

Moving up to the side of Brian's bed and settling next to him, Justin rested his head on Brian's shoulder, moving his hand down to his belly, gently moving it up and down.

“I hope so,” he whispered quietly, not looking at Brian. “I need you to be fine. Both of you.”

“We'll be,” Brian whispered, hoping that he was actually speaking the truth.

When they were finally seen by a doctor, the doctor listened to Brian's breathing and quickly ordered some tests to be done. He wasn't happy with Brian's breathing and coughing at all.

“Do you know what could have brought this on?” Justin asked the doctor as he wrote down some notes in Brian's patient chart.

“At this point it's too early to say. There could be several reasons and we'll have to run some tests to eliminate some possible causes.”

“Causes like?” Justin asked, not ready to let go. He needed to know what they were dealing with. He needed to steel himself for what could be coming. He needed to fucking know.

“There can be many causes for a cough like that. I don't want to scare you with any of those until we know what we're dealing with.”

Getting tired of what the doctor wasn't saying, Justin just took matters into his own hands. “Lung cancer? A pulmonary embolism? Tuberculosis?”

“I see that you've done your research,” the doctor just nodded. “Unfortunately, the internet always paints a bleak picture and always makes us believe we're about to die. There could also be a lot less threatening causes for your partner's condition.”

“Like?” Justin challenged the doctor.

“That's what we're trying to find out. At this point, I need you both to stay calm and not worry too much. I am sure it won't be anything as bleak as the internet told you.”

With that the doctor left the room. Justin was fuming, feeling like the doctor hadn't taken him seriously at all.

“Fucking asshole!”

“Calm down, Sunshine,” Brian looked at him from tired eyes. “Don't drive yourself crazy.”

“I am not,” Justin huffed, glaring at Brian.

“Yes, you are. In your mind, I am already dying and only a step away from my grave. Stop it. It will be fine. I am sure.”

Looking at Brian and seeing how exhausted his partner looked under the oxygen mask, Justin chastised himself. He probably hadn't done himself and Brian any favours when he had started speaking about cancer, tuberculosis and the likes. Maybe he had gone a bit overboard.

“I am sorry... I am just worried,” he said quietly, moving back to his place at Brian's side.

“I know you are. So am I. Just... try to stay calm, okay? Until we know what we're dealing with at least,” Brian asked quietly and Justin nodded.

He then leaned in and their foreheads touched. “I love you,” Justin whispered. “I hate seeing you sick and I just want you and M to be alright.”

“So do I,” Brian whispered back and once again Justin could see hints of fear in those expressive hazel eyes.

“I am sorry for overreacting. I don't do well when you or the boys are in pain.”

“I know.”

Justin sighed once more, squeezing Brian's hand. As he was about to say something else, a nurse came in, ready to take Brian to his room. The doctor had informed them earlier that Brian would need to be admitted for the tests and would need to stay on oxygen for the time being.

She quickly informed Justin where Brian would be taken and Justin chose to use the time that Brian would be taken to his new room, to give his mother a call and to let her know that they would be at the hospital for longer than he had originally hoped, letting her know that she would need to get the boys to school as they wouldn't be home by morning.

***

“I am sure he will be fine, Justin,” Jennifer said in a voice that sounded much calmer than she really felt. Justin had just told her that Brian needed to be admitted for some further tests and she knew that that wasn't a good sign. She had also done some research and had also seen what the internet had said about the causes for coughing up blood and she just hoped that none of those were the reason for Brian being sick.

“I... I am just so scared, Mom. What if he isn't? He had cancer before and... what about M? What about Gus and Luke? God... we didn't even get to explain to them that we were going to the hospital.”

“Don't worry about that, Justin. I will explain in the morning and I will explain it to them in a way that they won't panic. They will be fine. I'll make sure of that,” Jennifer promised her distraught son.

“I am so sorry, Mom. I am sorry you have to take care of all of that now. You know what, I'll just make sure to come home in time for them to wake up, so I can tell them myself.”

“Justin, stop! You will stay at the hospital and you will stay with Brian. You will calm yourself down and you will not drive your sons crazy by worrying them. I can hear by your voice how agitated you are and... do you really think they'll be calmed down by seeing you like this, honey?”

At first Justin was ready to protest and to yell at his mother. How dare she call him agitated? But as he was getting ready for that, he realised that she was absolutely right. He was agitated. He was fucking scared. He was worried about his partner's well-being and the well-being of his unborn child. Not knowing what was going on, but seeing Brian in pain, having trouble breathing, being on oxygen. It was driving him crazy with worry. And his mother was right. The boys didn't need to see him like that. He would only worry them as well.

“I am sorry,” he whispered.

“Don't be. You're in an impossible situation right now, honey. You just worry about Brian and the baby. You take care of him and... Justin... you know Brian. Try not to drive him crazy. Try to support him, okay? I'll take care of the boys. Don't worry about them on top of everything else. They will be fine.”

Knowing that his mother was right, he agreed with her. Knowing that she was also right about him driving Brian crazy, he knew that Brian needed him to support him. He needed Justin to be strong, needed him to be a pillar by his side and not be a mess.

Yes, he was scared shitless, but Brian didn't need him to be. Brian needed him to be strong for him and if it was the last thing he did, he would be. He could be strong for Brian and his family.

Taking a deep breath after his call with his mother was finished, Justin steeled himself and made his way to Brian's room, hoping that all of this would be a bad memory in a couple of days.

Chapter 8

Brian had been in the hospital for three days before he had been allowed back home. Gus and Luke had obviously been scared at seeing their daddy in the hospital, but Justin, Brian and everyone else in their family had tried to put on brave faces for the boys, making it seem as if Brian staying in the hospital was just a precaution to make sure the baby and he would be alright during his bad cough.

No one told the boys about all the tests that the hospital had run and all the results they were waiting for.

During his three day hospital stay, Brian had been x-rayed, he had had an ultrasound of his chest and in the end, despite all the risks, his doctors had ordered a CT exam, assuring both Brian and Justin that there would be no risks to their unborn baby as the CT was taking images of the chest and not the pelvis or abdomen.

Neither Brian nor Justin had really been happy with that decision, but in the end they knew that if the doctors needed a CT scan to find out what was wrong with Brian, they would have to trust them that it would be alright.

After all tests had been done, Brian and Justin had waited for the results.

As it had become clearer and clearer that Brian would have to stay longer at the hospital than just one night, Justin had reluctantly agreed to go home every night to spend time with the boys and to only return to the hospital once he had taken them to school the next morning. They wanted to keep as much normalcy as possible for the boys.

When Justin arrived at the hospital this morning after dropping the boys of at school, he was surprised to see Brian waiting for him next to the main entrance.

“Brian? What are you doing down here?”

“Waiting for you, so we can go home.”

“You've been discharged?” Justin frowned, wondering why Brian hadn't told him before. Why hadn't Brian called him to let him know?

Brian carelessly waved around some papers and only nodded.

“Lets get out of here. I hate this place.”

“Just let me get the car, I'll come around and pick you up here,” Justin offered, still feeling dumb-founded. Why had Brian been discharged? What about all the tests and the results? He voiced that thought and received a reply he hadn't expected.

“Does it matter? They discharged me and I want to get out of here. Can you please get the car? If not, I'll just fucking call a taxi myself.”

Justin frowned, not having expected this reaction from Brian.

“Brian?”

“Just let us get out of here, okay?”

“What did the doctors say? Why did they let you go?”

“Jesus fucking Christ. You just won't let it rest, will you?” Brian huffed, which still didn't sound good.

In recent days his breathing had normalised a bit and his coughing had gotten less, but it still wasn't anywhere close to normal.

And then he did something Justin would have never expected in a million years. He walked away from Justin and waved at the next taxi that waited at the taxi rank a few yards away.

“What the fuck? Brian?” Justin exclaimed as he watched after Brian.

“I'm getting out of here. I don't care what you do.” With that Brian disappeared into the taxi and Justin could only watch it drive away.

He felt dumbfounded by what had just happened and wondered what had made Brian react the way he had. This wasn't Brian. He didn't usually act like that.

Hoping to be able to catch him at home, Justin quickly made his way back to his car and drove home. He was beyond surprised when he didn't see Brian there. The house was completely empty.

Not knowing what else to do, Justin tried calling Brian's cell, but only reached voicemail. When he didn't reach him at all in the next hour, Justin decided to call Kinnetik. He knew it was a slim chance at best, he doubted Brian would head to work just a few minutes after being released from the hospital, but it was worth a try. He felt disappointed when Ted confirmed that he hadn't heard from Brian all day.

When he asked Justin if everything was alright, Justin just hung up. Something was wrong. Very wrong. He just didn't know what.

After waiting for Brian to come home for another two hours, Justin gave up calling his missing partner and tried calling the hospital. He asked to speak to the doctor that had been treating Brian, but only received the information that the doctor was out of house for the rest of the day and that Justin could call again the next day. When he asked if someone could give him information about Brian's discharge, he was informed that that wasn't possible as Mr. Kinney had asked to not give any information to his Power of Attorney.

That confused Justin even more. Why would Brian do that? They had gotten each other's Power of Attorney years ago to make sure that they would always be in a position to have access to the other and to make decisions for the other in case of sickness. Why would Brian refuse to let Justin know what the doctors had found out?

Only being able to think of one reason why, Justin sank to his knees in desperation. Whatever the doctors had found, had to be bad. And that was why Brian had reacted the way he had earlier that morning and that was why he was refusing to take Justin's calls.

Justin felt incredibly helpless and at the same time angry. He wanted to smash something and hit Brian in his arrogant face for being the fucking asshole that he was.

Hadn't they been through this before with the cancer? Hadn't Justin made it clear back then that they were partners and would deal with whatever came their way together? Why would Brian just run away and not let Justin know what was going on?

Justin honestly thought they had moved on from those times, that Brian had changed and wasn't that man anymore, but apparently he was wrong.

He drove himself crazy thinking about all the bad things the doctors could have found in his partner's body.

When it was time to pick up the boys from school, he had spent half the day calling Brian over and over again without success. He just hoped that Brian hadn't done anything stupid. He remembered how Brian had mentioned going out in a blaze of glory when he had had his testicular cancer. He remembered all about Ibiza.

What if Brian had actually gone through and done it now? Would he do something like that to Justin and the boys? Justin didn't want to think about it, didn't want to think it possible, but at the end of the day he had to admit that he didn't know what Brian would do. Brian had never been able to deal with bad news well. It had always taken a lot of hard work and effort to show Brian ways that didn't involve drinking himself into a stupor and in his current condition that wasn't an option. At least Justin hoped it wasn't.

Then he shook his head. Brian might do something drastic to himself, but he would never hurt his children. Brian would never do anything to hurt Gus, Luke or their unborn baby and that knowledge gave Justin strength. It gave him the strength to pretend to Luke and Gus that everything was alright and that Brian had just gone into the office to catch up on some work from recent days after he had been discharged.

The excuse was flimsy at best and especially Gus frowned and looked as if he didn't believe it for one second, but thankfully neither Gus nor Luke asked about it and joined Justin in pretending that everything was alright.

When he took the boys to bed, both boys knew that something was wrong. Usually Brian always came home in time for dinner. He never missed dinner and bedtime and now he hadn't even called once. Justin kept lying, holding on to his earlier lie about Brian being busy at Kinnetik and probably being so deeply engrossed in his work that he must have forgotten the time.

Thankfully, both Gus and Luke just left it at that and didn't pressure for a more detailed reply.

After both boys were in bed, he just hoped that Brian would be back soon, so he wouldn't have to lie to his sons any longer.

All evening Justin continued calling and texting Brian, but never received a reply. He ignored the texts from his friends and family asking about updates on Brian, not wanting to lie to them as well. It was bad enough that he had lied to the boys all day. He didn't want to lie to everyone else as well.

He knew that if Brian wasn't back by tomorrow, he would let everyone know. He might have to call the police. God, he really didn't want to think about that. Damn Brian and damn his queen outs. Why did he always have to overreact?

After a quick shower, Justin was ready to go to bed. He just checked that all doors were closed and the alarm was on, when he heard a car in the driveway. He opened the curtains a bit and saw a taxi.

He frowned as he made his way over to the door. Wondering who could be coming to their house this late at night, Justin opened the door and he sighed in relief when he recognised Brian's form. Brian slowly walked over to the door, not looking at Justin as he stopped a few metres away from him.

When Brian raised his head and their eyes met, Justin's world turned upside down. Brian looked like a broken man. He had been crying. Judging by his red, puffy eyes, for quite some time. His eyes looked beyond sad, heartbroken even and Justin felt a pain coming off his partner that he had never felt before.

All the anger and frustration, all the things he had wanted to yell at Brian for the way he had behaved that day, died on his lips when their eyes met. Something was wrong. Very wrong. Justin knew it immediately.

Despite everything that had happened that day, despite everything that Brian had put him through that day, Justin's love for the man standing outside his door won over and in the end instinct took over.

Justin slowly closed the distance between himself and Brian and stopped only a few inches away from his partner. “Brian?” He whispered in a scared voice, steeling himself for what he knew would be bad news.

Brian just looked at him for the longest time without saying anything, before new tears spilled from his eyes. His gaze never left Justin's when he spoke in a broken, hoarse voice. “They found a spot. On my lungs.”

And with that Justin's whole world fell apart. He knew that with Brian's history of testicular cancer and his genetic disposition, hell, his father had died of lung cancer, for Christ's sake, there was almost no way in hell this spot wasn't cancerous, that this spot didn't mean a very real threat to Brian's life.

“No,” Justin just gasped as his hands flew to his mouth. Tears spilled from his own eyes now as well and he and Brian just stood there in their driveway, neither of them saying anything, both just crying helplessly for the injustice of it all.

After several minutes, Justin forced himself to pull himself together. He needed to be strong. His family needed him to be strong. Brian needed him to be strong. Whatever would come their way, whatever would happen next, Justin knew that Brian couldn't do it on his own and needed him and needed him to be strong. And if it was the last thing Justin ever did, he would be strong for Brian.

He forced himself to take Brian into his arms and held him tightly as they both cried for the injustice of it all.

They stood like that for what felt like hours, before Justin guided them into the house. He immediately led Brian to the master bedroom, making him sit on the bed. Justin gently undressed his unmoving partner, then laid down with him, pulling the blanket over both of them as they lay cuddled together in their bed. Justin's head on Brian's chest, his hands gently stroking Brian's belly.

It was Justin who broke the silence. “Where were you all day?”

Brian was quiet for the longest time, before he spoke in a voice that was hardly above a whisper. “At the airport, the cemetery, walking aimlessly by the river.”

“Why the airport?” Justin asked quietly, though he already knew the answer. Brian had done this before.

Brian just shrugged. “You know why.”

“Why didn't you leave?” He asked quietly, willing himself to stay calm and to not let his anger at Brian's behaviour take over. Anger was the last thing Brian needed now.

“I couldn't,” and something in Brian's voice made Justin look up and made him meet Brian's eyes. “I... I couldn't do that to you and the boys. I just couldn't.”

“I am glad you stayed,” Justin said honestly, hiding his nose in Brian's neck, inhaling the scent that was so uniquely him.

“I didn't want to put you through this again... I didn't want to put them through this... I... I don't want them to see me like that...”

“Brian,” Justin said quietly. “Don't worry about that now. We'll deal with it when we know for sure. We're family. We'll figure this out together.”

“They shouldn't have to deal with this. They're too young,” Brian said as new tears spilled from his eyes.

Justin gently wiped them away as his heart broke for the man at his side.

“They will be fine. We'll make sure of it.”

Brian just closed his eyes, other than that didn't react to what Justin had said. He stayed quiet and Justin wondered if he had drifted off to sleep. He was surprised when he heard Brian's quiet voice again a few minutes later.

“I was ready to go. I was ready to just leave and then I couldn't. I just couldn't get through security. The whole time... all I could think about was Gus and Luke and how they wouldn't understand. And they shouldn't... They shouldn't have to ask themselves why their father just up and left them...”

“They know you love them,” Justin whispered, not quite sure what else to say.

“Yeah, loving them enough to put them through this shit,” Brian huffed, turning his head away from Justin's worried gaze.

“They'd rather be here by your side through whatever we're dealing with than not have you here. And so do I! I'd rather have you by my side sick and in need of my help than not have you here at all. Get it through your thick head: We love you! We love you, Brian and loving someone means that you're there through the good times and the bad times. You don't get to choose. You're in for it all. No matter what.”

“This might turn really bad,” Brian said quietly, slowly turning around again, meeting Justin's gaze.

“What did the doctor say?”

Brian shrugged. “That they don't know anything for sure yet. That it could be benign, but I could tell they didn't believe that themselves... It's cancer. I just know it is. And so do they. They just didn't have the balls to say it.”

“So what will happen now?”

“They'll do a biopsy. To see if it's benign or cancerous.”

“When?” Was all Justin asked, taking Brian's hand and squeezing it in his own.

“Day after tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Justin nodded, once more resting his head on Brian's chest. “Here's the deal: We'll do this together. All the way! There will be no running away, no going off on your own. It's you and me. I don't care how bad it will get. That's what I signed up for, that's what I am here for. I don't care if you like it or not. I really don't. I love you and if this is part of loving you, then I'll gladly accept that. If you dare to shut me out again like you did today, I will kick your scrawny ass. Do you understand? We'll do this together! You and me! All the way!”

Justin never raised his head, never met Brian's eyes. Even without looking at the man, he knew what he would see in his eyes. He knew that Brian would be struggling with his emotions, would be trying to accept that someone, namely Justin, could love him that much. He knew that Brian had always felt unworthy, he knew that there would always be issues and if it was the last thing he did, he would make this man understand that he loved him and would be there until the very end. No matter when that might be or how it might come along. It would be Brian and Justin against whatever life threw at them. If Brian liked it or not. He better get used to it because Justin had no intention of ever leaving.

Hearing Brian's dry sob at his declaration, Justin just cuddled closer to the older man, holding him tight. “I love you,” he said quietly, but full of conviction.

“Thank you, Sunshine,” Brian whispered after being silent for the longest time. Justin knew that Brian had cried and Brian hated when Justin saw him emotional like that, so Justin just stayed where he was, not wanting to make the situation any more uncomfortable than it needed to be for his partner.

“I love you, too.”

A gentle smile appeared on Justin's face as he left featherlight kisses on Brian's chest.

“I know.”

And he did. He knew. If Brian didn't love him, he wouldn't have come back. He might claim he had come back for the boys, but Justin knew that Brian also couldn't leave him. He might not be able to say it to Justin's face, but Justin knew the truth of it. Brian loved him and together they would make it through this new obstacle that life had thrown their way.

Chapter 9

The next morning Justin was surprised to find the bed empty when the alarm went off. For a minute he was scared that Brian might have run off again during the night, but he relaxed when he heard small voices from the hallway. Apparently Luke was already up as well and from what Justin could hear, he was talking to Brian in the hallway.

Feeling relieved that Brian was still in the house, Justin sighed deeply, thinking about the news he had been told last night. A spot on Brian's lung. Most likely cancer. Shit!

Tears sprang to his eyes as he thought about the implications. Even though he wasn't a doctor, he knew enough to know that lung cancer was a serious, potentially fatal disease. Brian's father had died of lung cancer. Brian had dealt with cancer before, but that had been testicular cancer. A cancer that had been found pretty early and usually had a high chance of survival. Not lung cancer. Justin knew that lung cancer was one of the most fatal forms of cancer, if not the most fatal form in the US. And now Brian probably had it.

He knew he shouldn't expect the worst and should be more positive, maybe the spot was nothing serious, maybe it was benign and the doctors were wrong. Deep down, Justin knew however that he was only clutching at straws. This was bad. Really bad. And Brian knew it as well.

Why now? Justin mused as he watched the ceiling of their bedroom through his teary eyes. Why now when they were happier than they had ever been before? They had been so excited about the new baby and now... M? What about M?

Justin cursed himself as he hadn't given much thought to the baby before. So far he had only been concerned with Brian's well-being and what the news would mean for their family. But their family now also included M. What about him or her? Damn... If Brian really had lung cancer, he would most likely need chemotherapy or radiation and that wouldn't be good for the baby. He wondered if Brian had already thought about M in any of this. Cursing himself for having been that ignorant, he thought to himself that Brian probably had. How could he not? After all he was the one who was carrying their child. How could he not think about it constantly?

Willing his tears away, knowing that he would have to put on a strong front for Gus and Luke who didn't know that anything was wrong yet, Justin forced himself to get up and make his way into the ensuite bathroom. He had a quick shower, which didn't help his mood at all. It only made him cry more, when he realised that maybe there wouldn't be many more chances for having showers together with Brian. This spot...whatever it was... it could kill Brian. And then it would be just him and the boys.

That thought had totally floored Justin and had made him break down in tears for which he had cursed himself later on when he saw his red, puffy eyes in the bathroom mirror. How was he supposed to act like everything was normal when his whole world was falling apart? How was he supposed to act like nothing was wrong when he was faced with the very real possibility of losing his partner? And what if he was totally overreacting and the spot was benign and Brian would be fine? Oh God, Justin hoped that would be it, but deep down, he knew that was only a fool's hope he was clinging onto.

Once he was sure he wouldn't break out in tears again, Justin made his way down to the kitchen where he found Brian busily preparing breakfast for the boys. Luke was already dressed and drinking a glass of milk, talking a mile a minute like only he could.

Justin smiled to himself at the normalcy of that scene. “Where is Gus?” He asked as he made his way over to Brian's side, running a gentle hand up and down his partner's backside.

“Getting dressed,” Brian replied quietly, not meeting Justin's eyes. Justin could feel how tense Brian was under his touch and decided not to press on that matter. It wouldn't do to have a conversation about how Brian was doing in front of Luke. They would have to talk once the boys were in school.

Justin let go of Brian's back and moved over to where Luke was sitting, giving his son a kiss on his blond head. It was amazing how much Luke looked like him when he had been that age with his blond hair and blue eyes and his own version of a sunshine smile which was now directed at him.

“Morning, Papa!”

“Morning, honey.”

Justin smiled as best as he could and then poured himself a cup of coffee before he sat down at the kitchen table as well. Luke eyed him happily, before his smile was replaced by a frown.

“Are you okay, Papa? Have you cried? Your eyes are all red,” he said in a concerned tone, looking at his father from worried eyes.

Justin noticed from the corner of his eye how Brian winced, but other than that didn't seem to react to what Luke had just said.

“Yeah, I am fine. Just allergies.”

Luke continued to frown for a few seconds, but then just nodded. He knew about his papa's allergies and knew how bad they could get.

“I hope it's not too bad, Papa,” he said sincerely, as he leaned over and kissed his father's cheek.

Justin couldn't help but smile at how caring Luke was. “I'm fine. Don't worry, honey.”

They were then interrupted by Brian bringing over some toast and scrambled eggs and Luke eagerly started having his breakfast, while still talking a mile a minute.

He didn't seem to notice that he was the only one talking at the table and that both his parents just watched him in subdued silence. Brian and Justin avoided eye contact. Justin knew that if he would meet Brian's eyes, he would most likely break down once more and he had a feeling it might be the same for his partner. Avoiding eye contact seemed to be the one way to make it through this breakfast.

After a few minutes they were joined by Gus, who thankfully seemed really happy to see his Dad as well and the boys carried on conversation while they finished their breakfast.

Justin offered to drive them to school and was relieved when Brian just nodded and thanked him quietly. He wasn't up for a discussion and he had the feeling that it was the same for Brian.

Once the boys were in school and Justin had returned home, he went looking for Brian and found him in his studio of all places. He found Brian looking at some of the paintings on display there and he seemed to be deep in thought.

Justin quietly made his way over and not wanting to startle the older man, he quietly spoke his name. “Brian.”

As if coming back from a deep trance, Brian slowly shook his head before his eyes settled on Justin's. Justin was not surprised to see that Brian had tears in his eyes.

“Are you okay?”

Brian just wordlessly shook his head and Justin walked over, taking the taller man into his arms. Brian hugged him back as if his life depended on it and they just stood like that for what felt like hours, crying in each other's arms for the injustice of it all.

“I am sorry,” Brian muttered after what felt like hours of silence where only their crying could be heard.

“Sorry? For what?”

“You don't deserve this...”

“Brian, stop it! You didn't ask for this. And if there is one person here who doesn't deserve this, it's you.”

“I... I just wanted to make you happy and now I can't even do that,” he whispered as he looked at a canvas which depicted what he knew was his pregnant form in abstract colours and forms.

“Have they said anything about M?” Justin asked quietly, looking into Brian's eyes, knowing without a doubt that he was refering to his pregnancy.

“They didn't have to... I mean... it's quite obvious, isn't it?” Brian's voice sounded hollow and empty and Justin felt slightly scared by that.

“Maybe... maybe we shouldn't just think about the worst. Maybe they are right and maybe it's benign and... you and M will be alright.”

Brian's head turned and his eyes met Justin's. They were sad and desperate. “You don't believe that. Don't try to fool yourself.”

“I am just saying that maybe... maybe we should wait for the results of the biopsy. Maybe... we're thinking too far ahead already.”

“Justin,” Brian started, his voice sounding incredibly sad and also tired. “I...I don't have to wait for the result of that biopsy. I... I know. I don't know how, but I just know and there is no point trying to fool ourselves.”

“Maybe you're wrong,” Justin said, but his voice lacked its usual conviction and strength. It was obvious that he himself didn't believe what he had been saying.

“Don't make this harder than it already is. It's best to just accept it for what it is.”

“But what is 'it'? We don't know yet. We don't have a diagnosis yet. We're... we're driving ourselves crazy without any confirmation... What if we're wrong and overreacting and... it's not that bad...,” Justin refused to let go of that last shred of hope, even though he knew he was only holding on to a fool's hope.

“I don't know what it is, but... it's bad... Damn, you didn't see their faces when they came to tell me. This is bad, Justin. I just know it is.”

Justin nodded wordlessy, running a hand through Brian's hair. “And we'll deal with whatever it is. I don't care how bad it will turn out to be. I don't!”

“Don't say that. You have no idea what might be coming.”

“And I don't need to know. All I know is that I love you and you will not get rid of me. So... whatever thoughts are running through your head. Stop thinking them! There won't be any running away, there won't be any going out in a blaze of glory. None of that shit!” Justin put both hands on Brian's cheeks and made the older man look at him directly. “Whatever this is, we will face it together. You and me! And the boys. As a family. You will not shut us out thinking that you're protecting us. Do you hear me? Do you hear me, Brian? We will face whatever this is together. You are not alone in this.”

Brian's eyes closed and Justin felt more than heard how Brian sighed. “The boys... they shouldn't see this...”

“No, they shouldn't. But they also shouldn't have to wonder why their father isn't around and left them on their own. They are strong. They have us and the family to help them. They will deal! But... they will deal with us. Together. As a family! You have to promise me, Brian. No more shutting me out. No more running away! Promise me!”

When Brian stayed quiet and didn't say anything for the longest time, Justin felt anger, frustration and also desperation take over. “Promise me!” His voice got louder and louder with each request. “Promise me, Brian! You have to promise me!”

Brian shook his head slowly which only made Justin more angry. “Promise me, you fucking asshole! Promise me, Brian! Fucking promise me.”

Not getting a reply from his partner, Justin let his arms fall to his side and felt tears spill from his eyes. “I love you. We love you. We are a family. Through good and bad. And no matter how bad this will get, we will still love you. If you want us to or not. We will love you, Brian! You don't get to shut us out. I won't let you. We are in this together whether you want to or not. Better get that into your thick head.”

After he had said his piece, Justin turned around and left his studio without another word. He couldn't be in a room with Brian if he couldn't even make him the simple promise to not shut him out during whatever they were about to face.

He knew that Brian had never been one to share his fears and feelings much, but after Luke and everything, after the therapy sessions they had attended together to get their relationship back on track, things had gotten better. Brian had been more open about his feelings and they had had an easier time talking about their fears and feelings.

Justin knew that most of Brian's issues stemmed from the way he had been raised by his parents and he knew that it wasn't really Brian's fault, but he also knew that Brian had worked through a lot of that during his own therapy sessions and had moved on from that years ago. He wondered why Brian was regressing like this now. Maybe it was the shock of the news he had received? Maybe he just didn't know how to deal with it? Whatever it was, Justin knew that there was no point pushing Brian. Sometimes he needed to give Brian his space to make him work through his feelings on his own and he just hoped that this was one of those cases.

Not able to stay in the house much longer, Justin picked up his jacket and decided to go for a walk in the grounds of Britin. Britin looked lovely in autumn with all the fallen leaves and the variety of colour all around and he hoped that a walk in the fresh air, enjoying the beauty of their home would make him feel slightly better than he did now.

Justin walked for about two hours before he went back to the house, feeling slightly scared of the mood Brian would be in. He hoped that the time alone might have helped Brian to work through some of what he was feeling.

When he entered the house, he was met by total silence. Deciding to check on Brian, he went looking for his partner. He was surprised that Brian was still in his studio. He was lying on the futon that Justin had in his studio in case he needed a break or one of the boys was watching him paint and he seemed to be sleeping. Justin quietly made his way over, surprised when Brian's eyes opened and met his gaze head on.

“I didn't mean to wake you,” he apologised quietly.

“I wasn't sleeping.”

“Did you eat?”

When Brian just shook his head in reply, Justin was about to say something, but was interrupted by Brian right away. “Not hungry.”

“Brian...,” Justin started, but stopped when he saw the expression on Brian's face darken.

“What? I need to keep up my strength? Are you going to force-feed me chicken soup again? What's the point?”

“The point? What's the point?” Justin's eyes widened in disbelief.

“Yeah, what's the point? Won't do any good anyway.”

“You need to keep up your strength, Brian. Hell, M needs nourishment. If not for yourself, at least think about the baby.”

“Yeah... stop fooling yourself, Sunshine. You better accept the truth for what it is. There won't be a baby.”

“Okay, I get it. You're depressed. I can't blame you. I would be too if I had received the news you had. Hell, I am. But... I refuse to let you just give up like that. I refuse to let you just go down without a fight. You will fucking take care of yourself and you will take care of our baby for as long as you have to. It's not over until the doctor's say it is. You want to give up? Fine, but I won't let you give up on our child. M deserves a chance and until a doctor says there is no chance, I will not let you give up on my child!”

Justin's voice had turned more and more angry as he spoke and the eyes that met Brian's gaze were absolutely furious. “You are an adult and you can make your own decisions, but my baby can't. So you will fucking get off your ass and will walk down into the kitchen in 30 minutes and you will eat whatever I put on your plate. I don't care if you're fucking hungry or not. My baby is growing inside of you and even though you might have already given up on M and yourself, I have not and I will not allow you to do so.”

Justin leaned closer to Brian and their faces were only inches apart. “You better not make me come back here and get you. 30 minutes. If your ass is not in the kitchen by then, you won't like the consequences!”

The blue eyes looking at Brian had been furious and raged with a fire that Brian only knew too well. Justin wasn't kidding.

Without another word Justin turned around and left his studio, he only stopped briefly at the door. “30 minutes.”

After that last reminder, Justin left Brian on his own and made his way downstairs to prepare lunch for them.

He watched the clock and couldn't help smiling to himself when he heard the stairs 29 minutes later. He hid his face and the smile curving his lips when Brian entered the kitchen silently just as the 30 minutes were up.

Taking the plate with the sandwiches that Justin had prepared for them, he walked over to the kitchen table where he found Brian sitting, his head hanging low.

“Right decision,” was all he said as he put the plate down on the table.

He watched as Brian glared at him. When he only glared back, Brian finally lowered his gaze. “You better start eating.”

With another glare directed at him, Brian angrily took one of the sandwiches and made a huge show of taking a bite. “Happy?” He snapped and Justin just nodded.

They sat in stony silence and ate their lunch. When Brian had finished his sandwich, Justin was happy that he had at least gotten the man to eat something.

The silence weighed heavily on the room and Justin hated it, but he didn't quite know how to break it. He knew that Brian was angry at him and he couldn't really blame him. He had been there before. He had been at a point where he had wanted to give up and had just wanted to bury his head and die, when he had first found out that his hand wasn't working properly anymore after the prom. Back then he had been the one who had been ready to give up and Brian hadn't let him. Sometimes life really was ironic. Now their roles were once again reversed.

“I get it, you know?” He said quietly after the silence became too heavy to bear. “I do.”

“What do you get?” Brian asked, his voice showing his annoyance at Justin.

“How you feel... I do...”

“You don't...”

“Know how you feel? Yeah, I do. I get it. I get how daunting it is to face this obstacle, how scary it is to think about all the strength it will take to make it through this. How much easier it would be to just bury your head in the sand and die right away. What's the point of investing all this strength and then it won't work out anyway, right? Yeah, I get it... and you know I do. It's why you went to the studio in the first place. You know I've been in that same position. You know how close I was to just giving up, but... you wouldn't let me and my studio is proof that it all worked out. I didn't give up because you wouldn't let me and it all worked out. And now you're faced with the same choice and wondering if it can work out for you as well.”

Brian didn't reply to what Justin had said, which confirmed to Justin that he had been right in his assumption. Brian had ended up in his studio because he knew that Justin had been in a similar position years ago and had made it through that dark time and in the end it had all worked out.

“I couldn't have done it without you, Brian,” Justin said quietly, slowly reaching for Brian's hand that was lying on the table. “You gave me strength when I thought I would never be able to paint again. You made me stand up and face reality and you gave me the strength to fight for my dream. You made me face my situation and gave me the strength to make it through all those hours of therapy, through all the cramps, the pain, the frustration. You always believed in me even when I couldn't and... now it's my time to believe in you. This can work out for you, Brian. For us. For our family. Just let me help you like you helped me.”

“It's not the same,” Brian muttered.

“No, it's not, and yet there are similarities, aren't there? I didn't have any hope back then and was caught in this dark tunnel that I thought I would never be able to leave. I thought I had lost it all. My ability to paint, my place at PIFA, everything... And now you think you're about to lose it all. And you feel like you don't have the strength to face this new obstacle and... that's okay. Really... Just let me help you like you helped me. It's okay to accept help, Brian!”

“What if there is no point?” Brian asked, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“Like there was no point for me to ever think about painting ever again because I couldn't even hold a glass of water in my hand, even less a pencil or a paintbrush? Like there was no point for me to ever think about creating a single painting again because I couldn't even look at a canvas for more than ten minutes without getting a headache? You didn't let me give up back then and I won't let you give up now. I won't let you give up on me, the boys or M, Brian. What is the point? The point is to keep fighting and to make it past whatever life throws at us and to come out on the other side as a winner.”

“What if this can't be won?” Brian's voice sounded dejected and Justin's heart broke for his partner.

“Then we'll deal with it. But you don't get to give up without a fight. You don't just get to hang your head and accept fate without a fight. Whatever this is, we'll fight it. We'll fight it for as long as we have to and if there is no more fight left in you, I'll fight it with you. I'll give you my strength like you gave me strength back then.”

Justin squeezed the larger hand in his own and was relieved when he felt Brian squeeze back.

“I know it won't be easy. I am not naïve. I know that. But... don't you owe Gus and Luke to fight? Don't you owe our baby to fight? Don't you owe me to fight?” Justin felt very emotional as he spoke and he felt new tears come to his eyes. “Don't you owe it to yourself?”

“I am not sure I can...,” Brian whispered, looking at Justin from his own teary eyes. “I am not sure I am strong enough.”

“Then let us be strong together. Let me be strong with you. We can do this together, Brian. You and me and the boys. As a family. Whatever this is, just don't give up and let us fight it together!”

“I don't want to die,” Brian whispered and when his gaze met Justin's Justin had never seen that much pain in Brian's eyes before. He had never seen his partner that desperate and broken. “I don't...”

“Then promise me that you'll fight this, Brian. I... I don't want to lose you,” Justin whispered back, slowly getting up from his place at the table and moving over to Brian's side. He knelt down next to his partner and engulfed the man in a crushing hug.

“I can't lose you... You have to fight this, Brian... Please...”

They cried together for a long time, neither of them saying anything. When they calmed down, Brian pulled Justin into his lap and held him close.

“I... I never saw myself as a father, but... now... I want to see Gus and Luke get married. I want to see them make a life of their own and have their own families one day. I... I don't want to miss that...,” Brian whispered in a broken voice and all Justin could do was hold his partner tighter. He could easily hear the pain in Brian's voice.

“I don't want you to miss it,” Justin whispered.

“I wanted to see your face when M gets born. I... I wanted to see your face for once when we have a child together and... I wanted to be there with you through it all... I... I don't want to miss out on that,” Brian went on. “There are so many things I still want to do...”

“I won't let you go... you're not going to leave me before you're at least 80 years old and have Alzheimer's and can't remember my name anymore. You're not getting rid of me yet,” Justin said quietly, yet his voice was full of determination.

When Brian chuckled quietly, Justin was happy for it. “I mean it. You're not getting rid of me yet. I won't let you go.”

“Justin...,” Brian said quietly.

“No, I won't. You will fight this. I will fight this with you. I don't care what it takes, but you're not getting out of this yet.”

“You're a stubborn little twat,” Brian said with obvious love in his voice.

“I know. It's why you love me,” Justin smirked into Brian's chest.

“It is...”

“Promise me, Brian. Whatever this is. We will fight it. Together.”

“I am not sure I can.”

“Promise me, Brian,” Justin only repeated, then pulled back from Brian's chest and looked him in the eyes. “Please.”

Brian held Justin's gaze for the longest time, before he spoke in a voice hardly above a whisper. “I promise.”

And with that Justin closed his eyes in relief. Whatever happened now, he had Brian's promise to fight it. And Brian had never broken a promise to him before. Whatever would come, Brian had promised to fight it for him, for the boys, for their family. And Brian never broke his promises. Justin felt the relief spread through his body immediately and immediately felt calmer than he had ever since Brian had returned home the night before.

“Thank you,” he whispered, before he leaned in and met Brian's mouth in a gentle kiss.

Chapter 10

Justin sat on the edge of the bed and watched as Brian slept. It had been a long day and Brian had been exhausted after they had gone back to the hospital earlier that day for his biopsy.

Thankfully, the bronchoscopy as this particular procedure was called, was done in an outpatient fashion and Brian was only required to stay in the hospital for a couple of hours after the procedure was done to make sure he had made it through the procedure alright.

Just thinking back to watching Brian as they had taken a sample of lung tissue, brought tears to Justin's eyes.

Brian had been given a sedative and antisecretory medications (to prevent oral secretions from obstructing the view) and then an instrument called the bronchoscope had been inserted into his airways through his mouth.

For a second their eyes had met as the tube had been inserted down Brian's airways and if the situation hadn't been that serious and dire, Justin was sure that an inappropriate joke about Brian being used to swallowing bigger things than this tube would have been made. But as it was, both of them had only been too aware of the seriousness of the situation and neither had felt like joking.

Justin had just held Brian's hand as the instrument had made its way down to Brian's lungs and had held his breath when the doctors had taken a sample of the lung tissue with a small needle that had been attached to the bronchoscope.

The whole procedure had taken less than 30 minutes, but the effects of the sedatives and the possible effects this procedure could have on their lives had taken its toll on Brian. Justin knew that the older man hadn't slept well in recent nights and he was glad when Brian had slept after the procedure.

Once he had woken up and the doctors had deemed him alright, they had returned home, where they had wordlessly ended up on their bed. They had just laid down fully clothed in a full body embrace.

It hadn't taken long for Brian to fall back asleep and once again Justin was glad that the sedative was apparently helping Brian to finally get the sleep he had missed in recent days.

The doctors had told them that now they had to wait between two and three days for the results. Justin knew that those two to three days would be hard on them, especially Brian. Just the uncertainty was driving them mad.

At this point in time, Justin would rather have a bad diagnosis than not knowing. At least with a diagnosis they would know what they were dealing with and would be able to tackle it head on. This waiting was driving him crazy because there was nothing that he could do. All he could do was try and be there for Brian and help him as much as he could to not go crazy himself.

He knew that Brian's mind was flooded with the worst outcomes and that he expected the diagnosis to be really bad. Justin still hoped for a different outcome, but had a feeling that Brian could actually be right.

His cough hadn't really improved much in recent days and that alone had been a sign to Justin that something was seriously wrong. Any normal cough with normal causes would have been long gone by now. But Brian's cough was still there, still as bad as ever and Brian still occasionally coughed up blood. Another symptom that showed Justin that this was really serious and bad.

Additionally, once they had a diagnosis, they would be able to sit down the boys and tell them what was going on. He dreaded that conversation, not being able to imagine how he was supposed to look his sons in their eyes and tell them that their father might die, but he knew that they deserved to know and deserved to be informed of what was going on.

For the last two days he and Brian had tried to hide what was going on as much as was possible, but Justin knew that the boys were slowly catching on. And how could they not? Justin and Brian laughed less than they usually did, were crying more and just in general the mood in the house had become subdued ever since Brian had told Justin what was going on.

As much as they had tried to hide it from the boys, both their sons were smart and catching on and Justin knew that their usual replies of 'Everything is fine' would only work for so long before the boys stopped believing them.

Thankfully their family knew about Brian's cough and his hospitalization, even though they didn't know the full cause for it and had all offered to help them by spending time with the boys, picking them up from school and taking them to their after school activities.

Today Emmett had offered to pick up the boys and to take Luke to his soccer club and Gus to his art club after school. He had also promised to take the boys to his place later on and cook a nice dinner with them, wanting to give Brian and Justin some time on their own to recover from Brian's hospitalisation.

God, Emmett would be devastated when he found out the truth. Whatever the truth was. As would the rest of their family. Even though Brian and Emmett had had their differences and disagreements in recent years, they had become good friends again once Brian and Justin had gotten back together and Emmett loved Brian. They all did and they would all be devastated when they heard about what was really going on. And Brian would hate every second of it because he would hate the very thought of someone worrying about him and making a big deal about him.

Well, he would just have to suck it up and accept it, Justin thought to himself. Brian had promised him that they would fight whatever this was together and that meant that running away or pushing Justin off the famous Kinney cliff was not allowed.

Slowly but surely Justin had the impression that Brian started to accept that Justin was there to stay and help and was opening up to him.

When they had been at the hospital earlier that day, Justin had honestly been surprised when Brian had asked him to join him in the examination room and to be by his side during the biopsy. Justin had already prepared himself for Brian wanting to do the procedure on his own and to having to wait outside in the waiting area and had been pleasantly surprised when Brian had asked him to stay by his side. He could only hope that Brian wouldn't change back to his earlier self because he needed to be a part of this whole process. He needed to be by his partner's side for his own sanity.

“What are you thinking about, Sunshine?” Brian's still tired voice surprised Justin. Justin had thought the older man was still asleep.

“Nothing much,” Justin replied, before he slowly moved over and lay down next to Brian once more.

“Hmmm, you could have fooled me. I could hear the wheels turning in your head even while I was asleep,” Brian muttered, gently pulling Justin closer.

“Just thinking,” Justin muttered, not wanting to go into too much detail. They had practically talked about nothing else than the upcoming biopsy and what the results could mean for them and their family and Justin didn't think he wanted to talk about it again.

Thankfully Brian seemed to sense that and just accepted Justin's reply.

“When are the boys coming back?” Brian asked instead, running a hand through Justin's blond hair.

“After dinner. Emmett is cooking with them, so it might get late...”

“You know what that means?” Brian asked and Justin was surprised at the tone he heard in his voice. He knew that tone.

“What?”

“That we have the house all to ourselves. Would be a pity to waste that, wouldn't it?”

“Brian, I...,” Justin started, but was interrupted by Brian right away.

“Please, Justin? I really need to feel you... I.... I need this,” Brian said quietly, never stopping his caress of Justin's hair.

They hadn't had sex since Brian had gone into the hospital which for them had easily been the longest time without any sex since they had been back together. Justin missed Brian as well and missed the connection they only had when they had sex together, but he wasn't sure. Brian had been sick enough and now on top of that he had had a medical procedure earlier that day that had required him taking sedatives and the likes. Justin really wasn't sure if Brian was up to having sex.

“Brian, I am not sure,” Justin started once more only to be interrupted by Brian's sigh.

“I am fine, Justin. I am! I wouldn't suggest this if I wasn't. I promise.”

Justin looked up and their eyes met and for the longest time neither of them spoke. In the end Justin just nodded, giving in to the pleading look he saw in his partner's eyes.

Their lips met in a gentle kiss which quickly turned more passionate. Not as passionate as some of their make out sessions had been, but passionate enough to get both of them into a state of arousal pretty quickly.

Justin sat up and leaned over Brian's body, making quick work of undressing him and then getting rid of his own clothes.

Once they were both naked, Justin started kissing down Brian's throat, over his chest to his pregnant belly. He left gentle kisses all over the belly, before he moved further down and followed Brian's treasure trail to the treasure that Justin loved most.

Once he had made it to Brian's erect penis, he took it into his mouth and gently started sucking on it. Every once in a while he changed from sucking to kissing the erection and he sighed in happiness when Brian started leaking precum and he tasted the taste that was so uniquely Brian.

Knowing that he could get Brian off like this in record time, but also knowing that this wasn't what either of them wanted right now and needed right now, Justin regretfully pulled back and let go of Brian's penis.

His eyes met Brian's as he sat back on his heels, licked his index and middle fingers of his right hand and then slowly moved his hand to his own ass, looking for the opening that he couldn't wait to touch.

As much as he loved being prepared by Brian, he knew that Brian loved it when he prepared himself. Brian loved watching him when his own fingers disappeared inside his body and started opening him up for the sex that would follow soon.

Knowing that it was the least that he could do, Justin put on a nice show as he slowly opened up his hole and started massaging the opening.

After several minutes of inserting one finger after the other and slowly opening up his tight asshole, he was panting heavily from pleasure. He smiled when he saw Brian's lust-filled eyes that were staring at him and heard his partner's own moans of pleasure.

When he deemed himself ready. He slowly leaned forward once more, taking Brian's still leaking cock into his mouth once more. This time he only licked up and down the erection once, before moving on. He kissed his way back up Brian's belly and his chest and settled on his mouth. They kissed passionately for several minutes, before both of them were breathless.

Leaning over to the night table, Justin picked up some lube and gently covered Brian's penis with it. He then applied some lube to his own hole and moved back down Brian's body.

He saddled Brian's hip and brought himself into position, his own ass only millimetres away from the tip of Brian's leaking cock.

Their eyes locked and Justin whispered 'I love you', before Brian replied and then gently pushed in.

Both men groaned at the sensations they had missed so much in recent days.

After Brian had made it all the way inside, he stayed still for a couple of seconds, giving Justin the time to adjust to the intrusion. Once Justin nodded, giving him the sign that he was okay, Brian started meeting the movements of Justin's body which was lifting itself up, only to then lower itself down on the erect shaft once more.

This wasn't the frantic fucking they sometimes did, this wasn't the need to get off. This was lovemaking in its purest form. This was about their connection, this was about their emotions and when both men were ready to come, overtaken by their orgasms, they yelled each other's names while tears ran down their faces.

They collapsed into a heap of limbs and tried to come down from their orgasms.

It took several minutes for both of them to catch their breaths, but once they had, Justin moved his head up to meet Brian's in another gentle kiss.

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

They stayed like that, in each other's arms, Brian still buried inside Justin for what felt like hours, just enjoying this unique connection and being close to each other.

It was Brian that broke the silence first.

“Thanks, Sunshine!”

“You are welcome,” Justin whispered, leaving a gentle kiss on Brian's chest beneath his head.

After staying like that for some more time, they decided to have a quick shower and make themselves presentable for when the boys would come back.

Justin also decided that it was time for their own dinner and went to the kitchen to get started on preparing a quick dish for them. Brian joined him and sat at the kitchen table, watching his partner as he cut up vegetables and prepared their dinner.

“Brian?”

Brian nodded, indicating that he was listening.

“Can I ask you something?”

“I am pretty sure you already did,” Brian teased, not surprised when Justin just rolled his eyes in reply.

“When... the day you left the hospital... you said you had been to the airport and the cemetery. I get the airport, but why the cemetery?”

Justin didn't know why he had remembered now of all times. He had thought about this before, but hadn't really dared to ask Brian at the time, seeing what mood the man had been in. But he seemed to be in a slightly more agreeable mood today and seeing how this question had just popped up in his mind once more, Justin had decided to go ahead and just ask. The worst that could happen was that Brian would bite his head off. And if he did, Justin at least knew how to deal with that.

Brian sighed, lowered his gaze and looked at the table top as if it was the most interesting thing he had seen in years.

“It's okay. You don't have to tell me,” Justin immediately said, sensing that he might have been wrong about Brian being in a more agreeable mood.

There was a heavy silence for about two minutes, before Brian's quiet voice rang through the silent kitchen.

“I... I wanted to go and wanted to blame him.”

“Him?” Justin frowned.

“My father,” Brian whispered, still not meeting Justin's eyes.

“For what?”

“For passing down his fucking lung cancer to me as a final farewell gift,” Brian said without any real emotion in his voice.

Justin just eyed him and tried to make sense of what Brian had said. “You think that...,” he started, but stopped when Brian just shrugged.

“Hell if I know. It's not as if I haven't done enough shit on my own and haven't smoked like a chimney myself for years. It's just... that day... when I thought about what the doctors had said... All I could think was that he had gotten the last say after all. Most cancers have genetical connections and he died of fucking lung cancer after all, so... that day... it felt like this had been his final 'fuck you' to me. Even after all this time, he had still won and had made sure I wouldn't have any happiness.”

“Brian,” Justin whispered, his voice full of emotion. His heart broke as he listened to Brian, knowing how strained Brian's relationship with his father had been.

“I know, that's ridiculous. You don't have to say it.”

“I wasn't about to say that,” Justin said honestly, coming around to where Brian was sitting at the table and sitting next to him, resting his hand on Brian's shoulder in a gentle touch.

Justin was happy when Brian allowed the touch and leaned into it.

“Did it make you feel better?” Justin asked quietly, hoping that Brian had gotten something out of it.

“I didn't do it after all.”

“Why not?” Justin frowned, not understanding why Brian would have not gone through with it in the end.

“On my way to his grave... I passed Vic's grave and... I don't know... I just stayed there instead.”

Justin just nodded, giving Brian's shoulder a squeeze. He knew how important Vic had been to Brian, how the older man had been more of a father to Brian than Jack Kinney had ever been. He could understand why Brian would have stayed at Vic's grave.

“Did that make you feel better?” He asked quietly.

“It made me go home, so... yeah... I guess it did in the end.”

“Why?”

Knowing that Justin was asking why Vic's grave had made him go home, Brian explained quietly.

“He... he never gave up. He never let his disease rule his life. He... he always stayed funny, good-natured Vic, no matter what. I didn't realise it back then, but... I do now: He was so fucking strong. I... I wish I would have told him how much I admired him, but... I never did. How fucked up is that?”

“He knew, Brian,” Justin said seriously. “And he also knew how much you loved him and how much he meant to you. Vic was smart like that.”

“I hope so. I... I should have told him, but I never did...”

“You didn't have to. He knew,” Justin was sure of it. He had seen Vic and Brian together, he had seen their relationship and he knew how much Vic had loved Brian and he knew that Vic had known that Brian had loved him in return even though he might not have been able to say it back then.

“I miss him,” Brian admitted quietly, meeting Justin's gaze. “I really do.”

“So do I,” Justin whispered. “He... He was an inspiration and... I'll never forget all he did for me when I lived with him and Debbie.”

“Like give you his Babylon membership card?” Brian smirked, not able to hide the smile that crept up on his face.

“That was before I lived with him and Debbie, but yeah... It certainly made stalking you way easier,” Justin smiled as well.

“And what a proficient stalker you were.”

“You loved it, you know you did,” Justin teased, leaning in for a quick kiss. He smiled when Brian kissed him and whispered into the kiss.

“I sure did, but I couldn't let you know. It would have gone to your head.”

“My head? What about my stalking going to your head?” Justin whispered back, their noses still touching. “Or were you so used to the attention from all the horny gays in Pittsburgh that I was just one of many stalkers.”

“You were never one of many... You were always the one, even though I didn't want to see it in the beginning,” Brian admitted.

“Good thing you finally figured it out, Mr. Kinney,” Justin whispered, before he leaned in once more and they kissed some more.

By the time Emmett returned the boys home, they still hadn't finished dinner preparations, but neither man cared. For the first time in days they had had some normalcy and things had been almost the way they had been before Brian's hospitalisation.

Maybe they could make it through this. Maybe they could learn from Vic and wouldn't let this sickness rule their lives. At least they could try.

Chapter 11

A couple of days later Brian and Justin found themselves sitting in their doctor's office, watching as the doctor opened Brian's file, read something for a couple of seconds and then looked up at them seriously.

“As we have expected, the results are not good. I wish I had better news for you, but the results of the biopsy show that the cells are cancerous. I am sorry to say, but you have what we call an adenocarcinoma, Mr. Kinney.”

Justin had no idea what exactly that meant, but he had understood the beginning of what the doctor had said. The cells were cancerous. Brian had cancer. Lung cancer. Justin knew from his research that lung cancer was one of the most fatal kinds of cancer in the world. He had read somewhere that the average 5-year survival rate for lung cancer was less than 20%. And now Brian had exactly that type of cancer.

He drew in a sharp breath, but then focused on the man sitting next to him. This was not the time for him to break down. He needed to stay strong for Brian and his family. He needed to be there for his partner. He had made that promise to himself and if it was the last thing he did, no matter the cost to himself, he would be there for his partner.

Turning to Brian, Justin frowned when he didn't see any reaction from the man at his side. Brian just seemed to stare ahead, looking right past the doctor at a point on the wall behind him.

“Brian?” Justin asked quietly, squeezing Brian's hand that was resting in his lap. “Brian?” He repeated once more, this time louder, when Brian didn't react the first time.

After what seemed like several minutes, but was probably only seconds, Brian turned to look at Justin and when their gazes met, Justin saw so much pain and defeat in those hazel eyes he loved so much.

“Guess now we know, huh?” He said quietly, his voice hardly above a whisper.

Justin nodded sadly, then drew Brian closer into a tight hug. “It will be alright. We can do this,” he said, his voice full of conviction and strength.

Turning back to the doctor, Justin cleared his throat before he asked the question that mattered the most.

“What is the prognosis?”

Looking from Justin to Brian and back, the doctor started explaining what they were dealing with.

“Nearly 40% of lung cancers are what we call adenocarcinomas which usually come from peripheral lung tissue. We consider them non-small-cell lung carcinomas and they are generally not very sensitive to chemotherapy or radiation. In your case, the cancer hasn't spread yet, so we are still at a quite early stage. It is however concerning that the cancer has grown at such a fast pace, seeing how your latest check up just a few months ago showed you as completely cancer-free. Right now, we're speaking of a tumour that is between 1-2 inches across which would make it a stage two at this point.”

At that point the doctor was interrupted by Brian's impatient voice. “What is the 5-year survival rate?” Having gone through cancer before, Brian knew that that was really all that mattered at this point. How high or low were his chances of survival of this damn thing?

“Mr Kinney, at this point, we have many different options and since we have found the cancer before it has spread, we are still very optimistic...”

“How high?” Brian asked once more, making it clear that he expected a precise answer and no more of the doctor dodging around.

“Around 25%,” the doctor replied seriously.

“Fuck!” Brian just exclaimed, before getting up from his seat next to Justin and starting to pace.

Justin watched him in concern, but knew better than to get up as well and comfort him now. Brian would not appreciate that in front of a doctor that they hardly knew and probably needed a bit of time to come to terms with the diagnosis on his own.

As he watched Brian pace, Justin thought about that number. 25%. Fuck indeed. This was a real threat to Brian's life and he was obviously very sick. This was not like the testicular cancer, which obviously had also been serious in itself, but had had a 5-year survival rate of more than 95%. This was real. This was a cancer that could kill Brian and take him away from Justin and the boys if they didn't get lucky.

“What about treatment options?” Justin asked quietly, remembering how the doctor had mentioned that this type of cancer wasn't sensitive to chemotherapy or radiation.

“For this type of cancer the treatment of choice would be surgery to remove the affected lobe of lung. It would most likely be followed up by a circle of chemotherapy.”

“But you said,” Justin started, to be interrupted by the doctor right away.

“Yes, this type of cancer is not overly sensitive to chemotherapy which is why it won't be our only treatment option. After removal of the affected lobe of lung however, chemotherapy can help to minimise the chances of the cancer spreading further. Studies have revealed that patients with this specific type of cancer benefit from adjuvant therapy in the form of chemotherapy. The results found that patients given chemotherapy after the initial surgery lived 4% longer than those who did not receive chemotherapy.”

“4%?” Justin frowned. That didn't seem like a lot.

“I know it might not seem like a lot right now, but test results have been good for this kind of treatment,” the doctor calmly explained.

All this time Brian had stayed completely quiet and had continued his pacing. Now he stopped however and turned to the doctor with a question. When he spoke, Justin could hear how pained his voice sounded.

“What about the baby?”

“Seeing how the cancer has grown at an alarmingly fast rate so far, we would have to take action immediately. I am sorry, but I don't think there is anything that can be done to save your baby at this point. We will have to schedule surgery right away and will have to start your chemotherapy treatment as soon as you have recovered from the surgery.”

“Can't we wait until...,” Brian started asking, but stopped when he saw the doctor shake his head sadly.

“If we wait, we risk the cancer spreading. If it spreads, the chances for you surviving will go down even further. I am sorry, Mr Kinney, but right now our focus needs to be on saving you.”

“So, you want me to just kill my baby?” Brian asked and Justin could hear the pure desperation in his partner's voice.

“Brian,” he said quietly, trying to reach out and grab Brian's hand, but Brian only turned away and refused to meet Justin's eyes or his touch.

“I will not kill my baby. I will not have an abortion,” he said, his voice eerily calm.

“Mr Kinney, I must ask you to think about this some more and to not make any rash decisions right now.”

“Rash decisions?” Brian turned around and his eyes glared at the doctor. “You are asking me to kill my unborn child. That is not gonna happen. Absolutely not.”

“Brian,” Justin started to speak, feeling his heart break for the older man. He knew how Brian felt about abortion. It wasn't that he was generally against it, Brian believed in every person having a choice and he adamantly believed in it being a private issue that should be decided by the person, not the state, but at the same time Justin knew that Brian would never get an abortion. No matter what the reason. And how could he after he had heard his parents say for years that they should have never had him and aborted him? How could he not be influenced by that?

Justin couldn't blame Brian about his feelings on abortion, but right now they were talking about saving Brian's life. Brian's life was at stake.

“No, Sunshine. Just no,” Brian replied, meeting Justin's gaze head on.

Knowing that there was no arguing with Brian right now, Justin just nodded and decided to see what other options they might have.

“What if we... can't we wait until it will be safe for the baby to be born?” He asked next.

“We could, but by that point, we risk the cancer spreading to other organs.”

“And if we had the surgery now and the chemotherapy after the baby is born?” Justin suggested, wondering if that was even possible.

“Gentlemen, I'll have to be frank here. This is not a simple surgery. It will put a lot of stress on your body and therefore the baby. Removing a lobe of lung will take quite some time to recover from. You will have reduced lung capacity for the rest of your life and this might limit your range of activities for the rest of your life. Right now your body is what is keeping your baby alive and all its strength is focused on that baby, but once a lobe of lung is removed, your body will need all its strength to recover from that. Don't underestimate the effects of a surgery like that,” the doctor warned.

“So... you are saying there is no chance, but to give up on the baby,” Justin asked carefully, wanting to make sure that he had understood correctly.

“Which is not going to happen,” Brian said adamantly, glaring at both Justin and the doctor.

“I wish there was another way, I really do. I can see how hard this is on you both, but... in my medical opinion, the best course of action right now would be to focus on Mr Kinney's health entirely.”

“I have already told you that...,” Brian started angrily, only to be stopped by Justin, who had gotten up and walked over to Brian's side, putting a gentle hand on his arm.

“Brian, please... Let's not make any rash decisions. The doctor is right. Let's talk about this quietly. At home,” Justin said pointedly, making it clear to Brian that they would not discuss this any further in front of the doctor. This was a private matter between the two of them and it would be discussed in private. They didn't need any witnesses for this conversation.

Seeing the look of determination in Justin's eyes and knowing better than to contradict him when he was in this mood, Brian just nodded in the end. “Fine.”

Justin nodded, then turned back to the doctor.

“Obviously, this is something we need to discuss some more.”

The doctor nodded in understanding. “Obviously. I must however urge you not to take too long. Time is of the essence here.”

Justin nodded, promising the doctor that they would get back to him as soon as possible.

They then bid their goodbyes and quietly made their way home. They didn't speak at all. There was no reason to. Justin knew how Brian felt, he had made his opinion very clear in the doctor's office and to be honest, Justin wasn't quite sure how he felt himself.

He needed time to think about their options and needed some more time to look at it all from all sides. He couldn't just go and make a decision of such an importance without doing that. It wouldn't be fair to their family.

When they arrived back at the house, Justin watched as Brian moved to his study and closed the door behind him. That was a clear sign to Justin that Brian wasn't ready to talk to him yet. While Justin hated that Brian was shutting him out, he was also glad at the same time. It gave him some time to make up his own mind on this matter and to figure out what he wanted.

Grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge, Justin made his way to his studio, where he sat down on the futon with a sketchpad. He didn't sketch though.

As soon as he had sat down and opened the sketchpad, his eyes had landed on a sketch of Brian with Luke, who was gently rubbing Brian's belly. Brian had a serene smile on his face while Luke looked beyond excited to be touching his father's belly.

Tears came to Justin's eyes as he looked at the sketch and remembered that day a couple of weeks ago. Gus had been out at a friend's birthday party and they had watched a movie together, just the three of them. Brian and Justin had cuddled and Luke had been nestled between them. When Justin had gotten up to get them some more popcorn, Luke had obviously moved and this had been how Justin had found his son and partner when he had returned to the living room a couple of minutes later. The movie had long been forgotten and both father and son had been focused completely on Brian's belly.

It had been a good day, a day when none of this cancer threat had hung over their heads. Brian had been coughing, but at the time they had still thought that it was just a cough and hadn't worried about it too much.

Now they knew differently. Now they knew it was cancer and that there was a very real chance that Brian could die.

Justin cried helplessly for what felt like hours, not able to deal with the information they had been given that morning.

They were finally happy, had finally gotten the family they had always wanted and now there was the very real chance that all of it could be ripped from them. The very real chance that Brian could die. And then? Justin would be on his own with their two sons. He wasn't sure he could do that. He wasn't sure he could survive without Brian. He needed Brian. Brian and his sons were his reason for living. He loved Brian with all his heart and every cell in his body ached when he thought about losing Brian. He couldn't lose him. Not without losing himself as well. He knew that.

And what would that mean for their family? How would their sons survive without Brian? It would hurt them so much to lose their father. Especially Gus who had already lost his mothers as well. God, didn't that boy deserve a break? Justin wondered angrily.

None of this was fair in his opinion. No, Brian hadn't always been the nicest or most decent person on the planet, he had been a real asshole at times and more than once he had been a real asshole to Justin as well. Hell, Brian had nearly destroyed him by keeping Luke a secret from him. And back then Justin knew that he had cursed Brian to hell and back, but even then he wouldn't have wished this on Brian. Brian didn't deserve any of this. Their family didn't deserve this. And yet here they were.

Justin felt torn by his own feelings. If it was up to him, he knew that he would want Brian to do whatever was needed to save his own life. He needed Brian to stay alive and with their family. At the same time those thoughts made Justin feel incredibly bad, because that meant that he was giving up their baby to save Brian. What did that say about him? Didn't he love their baby?

Yes, he did. He knew he did. He had been beyond excited for this baby and couldn't wait for it to be with them, but he wasn't sure he already loved M more than he loved Brian. Maybe it was because he wasn't the one carrying the baby. Maybe he didn't have such a deep connection with M as Brian had, but what did that say about him? What kind of person did it make him that he would so easily choose Brian over their baby?

Well, Justin chided himself, not necessarily easy. None of this was easy. And just looking at how bad the thought alone made him feel, he knew it would be anything but an easy decision.

Most of all however, he knew that it was a decision that Brian would have to make. It was not Justin's decision. Justin wasn't the one that was sick and at the risk of dying.

Knowing that the only way to reach a decision would be to talk, Justin tried to get his emotions under control and decided that he had given Brian enough time to deal with this on his own. Now it was time for them to deal with it together.

Making his way downstairs to Brian's study, Justin quietly entered the room, not surprised to find Brian stretched out on the sofa in the room.

He quietly walked over, noticing how Brian's eyes watched him. He immediately saw the tears on Brian's face, saw his red, puffy eyes and knew that Brian had cried as well.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly as he sat down on the edge of the sofa, next to Brian's still form.

Brian just shrugged, looking at Justin from pained eyes.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Justin asked gently, running his fingers down Brian's cheek, wiping away his tears.

When the older man shook his head, Justin just nodded. Apparently Brian wasn't ready to talk yet, but Justin also wasn't feeling like dealing with this on his own any longer. He needed Brian by his side, needed his partner, needed to feel him there.

Justin slowly moved his body and carefully laid down next to Brian, feeling relieved when Brian moved over and made space for him next to him on the sofa. Justin sighed as Brian pulled him close into an embrace and held him tight.

They lay like that for a long time, just holding each other, inhaling each other's scent. Justin rested his head on Brian's chest, listening to his steady heartbeat and feeling the constant rise and fall of his chest, while Brian had buried his head in Justin's hair, inhaling the scent that was so uniquely Justin.

Thankfully today was the day that Jennifer picked up the boys from school and they spent the afternoon and early evening at their grandmother's place, so the two men didn't have to worry about picking up the boys from school and could just concentrate on themselves.

In the end, exhaustion took over and both of them fell asleep, lying like that on the sofa in Brian's study. It wasn't the most comfortable place to sleep in, but at least they were together and in each other's arms. That was all that mattered.

Justin woke up again when he felt movement by his side. He groaned, not ready to fully wake up quite yet.

“Shhhh, sleep on, Sunshine.”

“Where are you going?” Justin murmured, half-opening an eye and seeing Brian carefully move over him and off the sofa.

“Need to piss,” Brian said quietly, before he leaned down and left a gentle kiss on Justin's lips.

“What time is it?” Justin asked when the kiss had ended.

“Around 5pm,” Brian replied, before leaving the room.

Knowing that they couldn't just sleep away the day and that sleeping would not help them, Justin forced himself to fully wake up and sit up.

After a few minutes Brian returned. He saw Justin sitting up, rubbing his sleepy eyes, his hair pointing in all directions.

“You have the worst case of bedhead any man has ever seen,” Brian teased, gently running his hand through Justin's hair.

“You love it, admit it,” Justin winked. Just as Brian was about to reply to that, a coughing fit shook him and hearing Brian cough brought Justin back to their reality. For a few seconds he had forgotten about their visit to the doctor earlier that day. For a few seconds everything had been okay and it had just been the two of them, but hearing Brian cough now, everything came back.

The cancer, M, Brian's chances of survival.

A dark cloud settled over Justin as he watched Brian make it through his coughing fit. Once Brian had regained his breath, Justin smiled at him, took his hand and pulled him in the direction of their kitchen. “I'll make you some tea.”

Brian just nodded and they sat down together at the kitchen table while the kettle heated the water for their tea.

It was Justin who first started speaking. “I know you don't want to talk about this, but... we have to.”

Brian sighed, meeting Justin's eyes. “What is there to talk about?”

“A whole damn lot,” Justin replied seriously. “I get it, you don't want to talk about this, but Brian, we have to.”

“The boys will be back soon. We shouldn't have this conversation with them around. They shouldn't... know.”

“They will have to know, Brian. We can't keep this a secret from them,” Justin said seriously.

“They shouldn't find out by us arguing about it.”

“Why would we argue?” Justin asked.

Brian just raised an eyebrow as if to say 'Really?' and Justin hung his head knowing that Brian was right.

They didn't argue a lot, but when they did it usually got pretty heated and passionate. Whenever they could, they tried to keep any arguments away from the boys and tried to keep them private and between them. They didn't want their sons to grow up in a house where it was normal that their parents were constantly fighting. So far they had done a pretty good job and Brian was right, this was bound to be an issue where they would argue. And even if they didn't argue, it would be emotional and the boys shouldn't see them like this before they had been told the truth.

“Maybe Mom can watch them for the night,” Justin suggested quietly, relieved when Brian just nodded.

Justin picked up his phone and called his mother.

“Justin?”

“Hi Mom,” Justin started the conversation after his mother had picked up on the second ring.

“Is everything alright?” Jennifer asked, obviously confused why Justin would call her if they were supposed to see each other in a while when she took the boys home.

What a loaded question, Justin thought to himself as he thought about how to best answer her. Nothing was alright, but he didn't want to tell her and worry her. Not yet.

“Yeah, look Mom... Brian and I were wondering if you could maybe watch the boys overnight. There... there are some things we need to discuss and it's better if the boys are not here for that.”

“Honey?” Jennifer just asked, in that tone that only a mother could muster. It was a tone full of concern, curiousness and also slight accusation for not telling her what was going on. As it was obvious that something was going on.

“Mom, please? Can you? If not, I'll give Debbie a call and ask her,” Justin went on, trying to ignore his mother's concerned tone.

“Of course I can. I'd love to watch them overnight, you know that.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Justin said in obvious relief. “We appreciate it.”

“Don't mention it.”

“Thanks, Jennifer,” Brian cut in at that point, also thanking her for stepping up on such short notice.

“Brian?” Jennifer was obviously surprised to hear his voice.

Brian's and Justin's eyes met and they were both thinking the same. Jennifer had obviously thought that they had already fought and was probably thinking they weren't talking to each other or not in the same place.

“As Justin said, we really appreciate it. Tell the boys we'll pick them up from school tomorrow and will make it up to them then.”

“Alright,” Jennifer relented, not quite sure that she understood what was going on, but knowing that something was going on. “Are you okay?”

“No,” was all that Brian replied after the longest pause, not able to lie to this woman who had become a second mother to him, with Debbie being his first mother. After all she had done, he couldn't lie to her.

“Brian?” Jennifer's voice immediately sounded more concerned, but it was Justin that took over now.

“Mom, please. We'll talk to you when we're ready, but... for now... we just need some time alone. Okay?”

Not happy with Justin's reply, but knowing both her son and Brian well enough to know that she wouldn't be getting more out of them at this point, she reluctantly agreed.

“Okay,” she said, knowing that both Brian and Justin were adults and this was their life and their relationship and not hers. The times where she could have pressured Justin to tell her what was going on had been long gone. He had grown up many years ago and was his own man with his own family now.

After saying goodbye to both men, she just hoped that whatever was going on wouldn't harm their family. They were so happy right now with the new baby on the way. She didn't want that to be taken away from them.

Chapter 12

After having a quiet dinner where neither of them ate much, Brian and Justin moved to the master bedroom. They had a quick shower before settling down in their bed.

They hadn't talked about it, but for some reason both of them had felt drawn to their bedroom. It was a secure place, a place that was theirs and only belonged to them. It was a place where they could just be themselves without any pretense and for some reason it had felt right to both of them to have this unpleasant conversation in that room of all the places in their house.

Brian lay down on his back and stared at the ceiling while Justin rested his head on his hand and watched down into Brian's eyes. It was obvious that he was concerned.

“Can I just say something before we... we start discussing this?” He asked quietly, looking at Brian in concern.

Brian nodded before he turned his head to his side so his gaze would meet Justin's.

“I know you don't agree. You don't have to tell me that much,” he said quietly.

“That was not what I wanted to say,” Justin whispered. “Can you please just let me get this out in one go? Please?”

Brian nodded, seeing how serious Justin was and knowing that he deserved his say as well. As much as Brian wanted this to be his decision, he knew that it wasn't. They were in a relationship, a partnership and they had a family together. The days of him making decisions on his own had ended when Justin had given him and their relationship another chance. He owed it to Justin to include him in this decision. He knew that. Just as he owed Justin to have his say.

“I... I have been doing a lot of thinking today and... I am not sure I like what some of those thoughts said about me,” he started and when Brian was about to interrupt him, Justin just rested his index finger on Brian's lips, looking at him pleadingly, asking him to stay quiet.

“I... I won't lie. When we came back from the doctor's office, I was ready to crash my studio and burn whatever canvas I could get my hands on, hoping that it would help me get rid of this feeling of unfairness. I mean... after everything... how is this fair? How is it fair that once again we have to make choices like this? Why can't we just be fucking happy for once? Why can't we just enjoy this time, enjoy our new baby and be happy with the life we have? I... I know complaining about the situation is not gonna help and I know that destroying my studio wouldn't be doing any good either, so... I didn't. Instead... I thought. I thought long and hard about what this means and about the decisions we have to make and... what it really comes down to is that...it's not our decision. I... I can't tell you what to do or what I expect you to do or some other fucked up shit like that. This is your life on the line and,” Justin took a deep breath, before he continued, a single tear running down his cheek, “You are the one that will have to make this decision. This is your body, not mine, not ours. Yours. I... I've come to realise that I can't demand to get a say. It's your life, your body. Not mine, not ours. I... I just want you to know that... whatever you decide, whatever you want to do, I will be here. By your side. I love you and... even though it might not be what I want, I will be by your side. Through all of it. The good and the bad, okay? Just... don't shut me out, please!”

By now Justin was crying and more tears were running down his face. He was sobbing and he cried only harder when Brian pulled him down into his arms and held him tight, trying to comfort the distraught man in his arms.

“Shhhh, calm down, Sunshine...calm down,” Brian whispered, over and over, holding Justin tight. While Justin was crying in his arms for the injustice of it all, Brian lost the fight against his own tears and started crying as well. God, would there ever be an end to all the crying? When had they turned into fucking lesbian drama queens, he wondered.

When you were diagnosed with a potentially fatal illness, Brian told himself, only holding the man in his arms closer.

It took them a while to calm down, but when they did, Brian made them both sit up. They rested their backs against the headboard, Justin's head on Brian's shoulder, Brian's arms holding the younger man close, Justin's hands on Brian's protruding belly.

“Justin, I...,” Brian began, but then didn't really know what to say.

“I know you won't abort the baby,” Justin said quietly, his voice full of pain.

“I can't,” Brian whispered, pulling Justin closer.

“Even if it might cost you your life?” Justin asked and immediately cursed himself for having asked that question. Before Brian could reply, Justin pulled back and looked at him from his tear-stained face.

“God, what kind of horrible person am I? What kind of person would say such a thing?”

“Sunshine,” Brian began, but never got any further, because Justin was already continuing with his outburst.

“It shouldn't be that easy for me to make a choice, should it? I should have a harder time deciding between my partner and my baby, but... I am sorry, I really am fucking sorry, but... I am not having a hard time making this decision. I know that makes me a horrible person and an even worse father, but... I can't lose you, Brian. I can't lose you.”

“Sunshine,” Brian started once again, watching as a distraught Justin had nearly talked himself into hysterics.

“I should feel more sorrow about potentially losing our baby, but... all I can think about is losing you and what losing you will do to me and the boys and... I can't lose you. We can't lose you. I know I am a horrible person, but I don't want you to die and if it comes down to a choice between you and this baby... I am sorry, Brian, but... I can't not choose you.”

Justin was sobbing now, his voice nearly a hysterical pitch and all Brian could do was lean over, reach out for the younger man and pull him close. He held Justin tight, even though the younger man struggled to get out of his grasp, but Brian wouldn't let him.

“You are not a horrible person, Sunshine. You are one of the most loving, caring people I have ever met and you are faced with an impossible choice. Nobody should be faced with a choice like that.”

“But we are and... I know that I should easily be able to choose our baby, but... I can't. I can't, Brian. I can't lose you...”

“Shhhhhh, that's alright, Sunshine. It's alright,” Brian whispered as he ran his hands through Justin's golden locks.

“No, no, it's not. It's not alright. None of this is alright. I am selfish and childish and... maybe you were right... maybe I should never have been a father. Maybe this just shows that you were right and... I am a bad person.”

Brian pulled back from their embrace and looked at Justin angrily. “Don't ever fucking say something like that again.”

Justin eyed Brian through his tears, seeing the fury in those hazel eyes he loved so much.

“Don't ever say that! You are the best father any child could wish for. You are the best father Gus and Luke could wish for and if there is one thing we both know I was never right about, it was Luke. You are a great father and... this is not going to change that. So stop fucking thinking that.”

“Brian,” Justin started, but now it was Brian's turn to talk himself into a rage.

“No, now you listen. You think I want to die? No! I don't want to fucking die. I don't want to fucking not see Gus and Luke graduate, start a family, start a career, have a life. I don't want to fucking not see us becoming grandparents one day. I... I never thought I would be this kind of person, but you showed me that I could be and I love our fucking life. I love our family and I love this baby,” Brian said, running his hands over his belly. “I don't want to die and not see what kind of person this baby would turn out to be. I... I am not ready to say goodbye to you or our kids, but... but do you know why I never questioned my decision to save this baby at all costs?”

Justin shook his head wordlessly, urging Brian to go on.

“Because I knew that no matter what would happen to me, our children would have you. They would have you to take care of them, to love them and to make sure that they will grow up into fine human beings. They will have you to help them get over whatever life throws their way. The... the only reason I was able to make this decision is because I know that you are an incredible father and will continue to be that to all of our children, whether I am here or not.”

“Brian,” Justin whispered, gently wiping away the tears that were now running down Brian's face. “I... I am not sure I can be that person.”

“You already are that person and you always will be, Sunshine.”

“Because I have you by my side,” Justin said seriously, his gaze meeting Brian's. “I... I am not sure I can do this on my own.”

“You can do whatever you set your mind to, Sunshine. You are the most determined person I know and I know that... you and the boys... and this baby...you'll all be fine because... you'll take care of them.”

Justin looked at Brian for the longest time, before he nodded to himself. He ran a hand through Brian's hair, their gazes never breaking.

“If this is... if this is what you want to do, then... that's what we'll do,” he said, trying to sound as strong as he could muster while his heart was breaking.

He had never had any doubt what Brian's decision was going to be, he had known right away and it broke his heart, because, just like he had said, he wasn't sure he could live without Brian. He wasn't sure he could survive without Brian and could be the person Brian and their kids needed him to be, but if this was what Brian wanted, Justin would damn well try. He would do his damnest to make sure that he would support Brian as much as he could and would be there for his children when they needed him.

Brian held Justin's gaze for the longest time, before he broke it and turned his head to look at the ceiling. “I am sorry, Sunshine.” He said seriously, knowing that this was not what Justin had wanted him to do, knowing that this was not what Justin had wanted to be his decision.

He knew that he was breaking his heart, he knew that he was killing a part of Justin, but he also knew without a doubt that in the long run Justin would be alright. His children would be alright. Justin would make sure of it. Brian hated himself for putting that burden on his partner, but he just didn't see any other way.

“Sorry is bullshit,” Justin replied almost automatically, chuckling slightly through his tears.

Brian tried to smile as well, but couldn't quite muster his smile. “I wish there was another way,” he said seriously.

Justin nodded, before he moved in, his lips carefully claiming Brian's in a tender kiss. “So do I.”

They kissed tenderly, no real passion behind it. Both men knew that this was not a time for passion, for sex or for anything that went beyond kissing. This was a time for being together, for holding each other and for coming to terms with the decision that had been made.

Slowly sinking down into a lying position, they continued kissing as more tears ran down their faces, they continued kissing as Justin started sobbing into the kisses, they continued kissing after he had calmed down and it had been Brian's turn to shed some more tears.

They never stopped kissing, never stopped holding each other, never stopped being close to each other, until they fell into an exhausted sleep.

***

A couple of hours later Justin woke up to find the other half of the bed empty. Brian wasn't in the bed anymore.

For a second Justin felt panic take hold of him, before he tried to calm himself down. Surely Brian had just stepped out to go to the bathroom. Or to get something to drink. Or to have a snack. Or, or, or.

There were so many reasons why Brian wouldn't be in bed, none of them had to mean anything bad. Carefully listening to any sounds coming from the house, Justin frowned when he heard nothing.

He got out of bed and went looking for his missing partner.

Brian wasn't in the ensuite bathroom, nor his study, nor the kitchen or outside by the pool.

“Brian?” Justin called out for him, but didn't get a reply back. He checked every room downstairs, before he went upstairs again, hoping to find Brian there.

“Brian?” He called out upstairs once more, surprised when he heard Brian's voice respond from what was supposed to be their baby's nursery.

“In here.”

“What are you doing in here?” Justin asked as he made his way over, surprised to find Brian sitting in the rocking chair, holding what looked to be a framed picture in his hands.

“Thinking. Couldn't sleep,” he muttered, looking up at Justin from tired, pained eyes.

“What is that?” Justin asked, pointing to the framed picture in Brian's hands. When Brian handed it to him, Justin frowned as he recognised their family picture that used to be on Luke's night table. The one they had taken of the four of them, Brian, Gus, Justin and Luke after Brian and Justin had gotten back together, the new family picture Luke had begged for to keep the monsters away at night.

Before Justin could ask why Brian had been looking at that picture from Luke's bedroom, Brian continued speaking in a quiet voice.

“Did you know he put it in here?”

“The picture?”

“Yeah,” Brian nodded. “He... he told me a couple of days ago when I noticed it was missing from his night table. He said... he said he didn't want his brother or sister to get nightmares, so the picture would be needed in here more than in his room because he was a big boy now and didn't need it anymore, but... that his brother or sister would need it,” Brian's voice sounded eerily quiet when he spoke.

“I didn't know that,” Justin said honestly. And he really hadn't known. He wondered why he hadn't noticed the picture being gone from Luke's night table. Then he realised how preoccupied he had been in recent days, weeks really and how much he had probably neglected his duties to his sons in his worry for Brian's health. He immediately felt bad for not having noticed before that the picture had been gone from Luke's room and had made it into the nursery. “That's... very thoughtful...”

“That's all you,” Brian whispered.

“Me?” Justin frowned, not sure if he knew what Brian meant.

“He didn't get that caring, generous side from me. That's for sure,” Brian chuckled dryly, though there was no humour to it.

“Brian, don't say that.”

“It's true though... He is all you. He...he's got your kindness, your generosity, your caring side... he's got all the best of you,” Brian's voice now sounded quite emotional and Justin didn't know what to make of it.

“That's not true. He also throws my temper tantrums,” Justin pointed out, knowing that it was true. Luke having a temper tantrum was quite a sight to behold.

“You think he didn't get that from me? I've been known to throw a tantrum once or twice.”

“Hold the presses. Did you just admit to having temper tantrums?”

Brian shrugged, his lips turning into a slight smile.

Justin set the framed picture back on the night table in the room and reached out to take Brian's hand in his. “I think he's perfect the way he is. And I think he also got quite a few good things from you: He's got your wicked sense of humour, your sense of justice, your sense of charity. Not to blow my own horn, but I think we did quite well with him.”

“Yeah... yeah, we did.”

“No joke about blowing my horn?” Justin raised an eyebrow, not able to believe that Brian had let that one go by uncommented.

Brian shrugged in response. “I am not really in a joking mood.”

“Yeah, I figured,” Justin whispered, squeezing the larger hand in his.

Justin slowly got up from his place by Brian's side and moved onto his lap carefully, them slowly rocking back and forth in the rocking chair.

After a couple of minutes of comfortable silence, Brian was the one to break the silence.

“I am sorry,” he said quietly, holding Justin tighter in his arms.

“Brian, you didn't ask for any of this.”

“No, that's not what I meant,” the older man sighed which made Justin frown.

“What did you mean?”

“I am sorry I broke my promise to you.”

“You didn't break any promise, Brian,” Justin whispered, not quite sure if he knew what Brian was talking about.

“Yeah, I did,” Brian said seriously, his hands gently running up and down Justin's arms. “I... I promised you after Luke that... that we would make decisions that impacted our family together and that I wouldn't go and make decisions on my own, but...”

“You haven't, Brian.”

“Yes, I have. I... I made the decision to have the baby and... I totally ignored your point of view,” the older man whispered.

“And I told you that it was your decision, not mine or ours, but yours. So... you made it. That is not breaking a promise.”

“Yes, it is. We... we should have discussed it some more.”

“What good would that have done? We...,” Justin sighed, resting his hand on Brian's belly, “we don't agree, so... something has to give... It is your decision and you made it.”

“Then why do I feel so bad about it?” Brian asked, his voice taking on a hint of desperation.

“Because it's an impossible situation with only bad outcomes,” Justin whispered.

“I don't want to die, Justin,” Brian said seriously and Justin only nodded in his arms, not able to say anything that hadn't been said before. “And... I don't want to be selfish again like I have been with Luke and... I don't want to be that kind of person. I... am not that kind of person anymore.”

“Brian,” Justin said seriously. “I told you it was your decision and you made it. Don't feel bad about it.”

“This... this is too big to just be decided by me. This is... it will affect our whole family. All of us... We should decide something like this together.”

“We don't agree, Brian. We have been over this.”

“I know,” Brian sighed, hanging his head, resting it in Justin's neck.

“I... I just wish there was a way to compromise... a way so we wouldn't have to make that decision.”

“I know,” Justin agreed, never stopping to run his hand over Brian's belly. “I am sorry I said all those things about the baby earlier. I... I love this baby, but... I also love you...”

“If...if our roles were reversed, I am not sure I would make the same decision, you know?”

“Yeah.” And Justin knew. Justin knew that if their roles were reversed Brian wouldn't be able to just give up Justin for the sake of their child. Yes, Brian would love their child, but so did Justin. Even though it might not seem that way. He did. He just wasn't ready to lose Brian and he knew that if their roles were reversed Brian wouldn't be ready to lose him either.

“What... what if we don't have to make that choice?” Justin suddenly said, slightly pulling back from their embrace, so he was able to look into Brian's eyes when he spoke. “What... what if we can find a way to save both you and the baby?”

He had been thinking about this for a while in the afternoon, but had then pushed those thoughts away, knowing that it was not his call, but Brian's decision to make.

“Justin, you heard what the doctor said,” Brian sighed.

“Yeah and maybe he is right, but... you are 22 weeks pregnant. Babies born at 23 weeks have a 29% chance of survival and 50% of them have no disability at age 3. And... the numbers only go up. Babies born at 24 weeks have a 46% chance of survival and 60% of them have no disability at age 3. By week 25 it's already 69% and 70% without disability at age 3. I... I know those numbers aren't great, but... they sure as hell sound a lot better than definitely giving up the baby or... losing you...,” Justin ended in a small voice.

“Justin...,” Brian started, but was interrupted by his younger partner.

“No, I mean... the doctor said the first thing would be the surgery and... they wouldn't start the chemotherapy until after the surgery. So... that would give us another two to three weeks, right? I mean... yes, he said that time was of the essence, but... surely they would need time to organise the surgery and to set up the chemotherapy and... by that time we might already be looking at pretty good numbers for the baby.”

Brian heard the excitement and hope in Justin's voice and wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

“Justin, you heard him. You heard what he said about the surgery and the stress it would be for the baby.”

“Yeah, but... I know you. You are strong and healthy,” Brian snorted at that, “well, other than this shit, but you know what I mean. Yes, it will be stress, but... you are the most determined man I know. Hell, after your last cancer surgery you went into the office and tried to work after radiation. If anyone can do this, it would be you.”

“Justin, a... a 50% chance rate of survival and risking disabilities... that's not really what we should be aiming for.”

“I am not saying it's a perfect solution, but you said yourself that you would rather not have to make this choice and... this might be a way we can save both you and the baby... and... this is our baby, Brian. Yours and mine. If there is one child who can make it against those odds, it will be our baby. How can it not be a fighter with both you and me as parents?”

“Sunshine... you're getting ahead of yourself,” Brian warned. “I can't risk the chance that the baby might die or might get a disability because of our decision.”

“Brian... lets be frank here for a second, okay? This baby might be disabled anyway. We don't know that. And... God forbid, but this baby could die anyway. Pregnancies can go wrong even without the interference of cancer and... what if the cancer spreads and...”

“Sunshine, stop!” Brian said, not sure he wanted to hear more.

“I am just saying, things can go wrong anyway. With a pregnancy you never have a guarantee that everything will go fine. And... you said yourself, you don't want to die: What... what if this is the way to save both you and the baby...”

“Or lose both me and the baby,” Brian threw in quietly.

“At least... at least we'll know that we tried. That we fought against this shit and didn't just let it win,” Justin whispered, his voice full of newfound strength and determination.

“You really want this, don't you?” Brian asked seriously, looking into Justin's determined eyes.

“I... I just think that this might give us what we both want. A fighting chance for both you and the baby.”

“When you put it like that,” Brian began, trying to get his feelings and emotions under control. “It sounds too good to be true.”

“Maybe this is the compromise we didn't think existed.”

“Justin, are you sure you have thought this through?”

“Yes...no...no, of course not. How could I? I... I've only just started looking into it earlier yesterday and... no, I haven't thought this through. I...I just can't stand the thought of losing you and I can't stand the thought of you giving up your life for our baby when... when there might be a chance to save both of you. I... I think we should at least try to save both of you, shouldn't we? Isn't that what we owe to Luke and Gus as well? That they at least get the chance that their father might survive this?”

“Do you have any idea what kind of stress you would be putting yourself under if we were to do this...I... I won't be able to help at all with the baby if I am to undergo chemotherapy and... a premature baby will be a lot of work, Sunshine.”

“If this means I can have both you and our baby in my life, I'll gladly take all the stress in the world. I don't care, Brian. I... I just want you to not throw away the chance you have. Yes, I know it's risky, but... even if we just decide to have the baby... things can go wrong and then... then we'll be alone without you and the baby and... I know that there are no guarantees, but... if there is a chance to save both of you, I think we should damn well take that chance and not sacrifice one life for the other without any guarantees that it will work either.”

“You really want this?” Brian asked, holding Justin's gaze.

“The more I think about it, the more... yes. The more I want this. I... I want to give both you and the baby a fighting chance and... I know it's going to be hard, but... it can't be as hard as losing you would be. And... that's what we have our family for. That's what we have our friends for. They will help. We will be okay. You just concentrate on getting better and leave the rest to me, okay?”

“You're crazy,” Brian couldn't help but chuckle slightly.

“And a genius, two reasons why you love me,” Justin smiled confidently.

“True,” Brian smiled. “I love you, I really do.”

“And I love you and I am not ready to let you go,” Justin warned.

“Justin, I... I can't make a decision like that... I... I need time to think about it.”

“I know,” Justin agreed. “Just, promise me that you'll think about it and won't just brush it aside.”

“I promise to think about it and to consider your ingenious idea,” Brian promised with a chuckle. He wondered how Justin did it. Justin always managed to make him feel better, no matter how dire a situation might seem.

“That's all I want,” Justin smiled, before he leaned in and claimed Brian's lips in a kiss.

For that night they had talked enough. Justin knew that he would need to give Brian some time to think about his idea. Hell, he probably needed some time to think about it some more as well. And they would definitely need to do some more research. In the meantime, why not show Brian how much Justin loved him and how much he didn't want to give him up.

Justin stood up, took Brian's hand and led him back to their bedroom. For the rest of the night they didn't speak about the cancer anymore. Instead they made love and relished the feeling of being together in each other's arms.

Chapter 13

When they got up the next day, they talked some more about their options. After all the shed tears of the night before, this time there were no more tears left and it was a rational, calm conversation.

They sat down in Brian's study and consulted the internet, looking up statistics for premature babies and their chances of survival as well as their chances of growing up without any disabilities.

At the same time they did some more research on the type of cancer that Brian had and how it could be treated.

Neither man was naïve enough to trust the internet or to trust the internet more than their doctor, but they wanted to be prepared for their conversation with the doctor and wanted to know a bit more about their options.

Reading up on these topics on the internet hadn't necessary been uplifting or hadn't done anything to raise the mood. After all the internet could make a simple headache sound like you had a brain tumour and were gonna die any minute.

Yet, despite all that, both men felt slightly more informed when their research finished and they moved back to the kitchen for a light lunch before it was time to head off to their next appointment with the doctor.

By the time they were ready to leave for the doctor's office, they had agreed to try and save both Brian's and the baby's life. If they only waited three weeks longer, the baby's chances of survival would already have improved to about 70% and there was an 80% chance that the child would not have any disabilities by the age of three.

Both Brian and Justin were aware that those were not great odds, they knew that there were so many things that could go wrong, but at the end of the day Justin had been right and there were no guarantees anyway and something could go wrong anyway.

This was their best chance to save both Brian and the baby and no matter what happened, they would go through it all together. They had agreed to take this fight on together and to do whatever they had to to win against this cancer that was trying to take Brian's life.

Just knowing that they had made a decision and that this was a decision that they both agreed on had lifted a heavy weight off both their shoulders. It was a first step in the right direction, a direction they both knew would not be an easy one.

But they would be together, they would take on this fight for Brian's and their baby's life together and they just had to believe that they could win. At this point it was all they could do.

When they finally sat in their doctor's office and informed him of their decision, the doctor was not happy. He informed them once more how much of a risk they were putting Brian and their baby's life at. He informed them once more that what they were trying to do was extremely dangerous and that the safer option would be to just concentrate on Brian's life at this point.

Brian and Justin listened to what the doctor had to say, but in the end politely let him know that they were gonna do it their way, if he liked it or not. If he didn't, they would just look for another doctor, but this was their decision and they would stick with it.

The doctor realised quickly that these were not the type of men to mess around and that they were dead serious. This was what they wanted to do, so this would be what they did. And at the end of the day his patient was old enough to make his own decisions concerning his own health and there was nothing the doctor could do against it.

Once the doctor had come aboard and had agreed to go along with their plan, they had sat down to come up with a treatment plan.

They agreed to have the surgery to remove the affected lobe of lung quickly, as to keep the cancer from spreading, but would wait to deliver the baby until after Brian had recovered from that surgery.

The doctor had let them know that it would probably take between two to three weeks for Brian to recover from a surgery that big before he would be ready to start with the chemotherapy, which would have Brian in his 26th week of pregnancy. At that point there would be a 78% chance of survival for their baby and an 80% chance of the baby not having any disabilities at the age of 3. These were the best odds they could hope for under these circumstances and both Brian and Justin agreed to this timeline.

In the end Brian's surgery to remove the affected lobe of lung would be scheduled for four days later, which would be the next Tuesday as today was a Friday. Brian would have to be in the hospital by Monday afternoon to prepare for the surgery, which would give them all weekend to prepare and to have the conversations they needed to have with their sons as well as their friends and family.

Neither man looked forward to those conversations, especially not the one with Gus and Luke, but both of them knew that there was no way around them. It was just a bad situation all around and both of them knew that it would be a long time before the bad times would be over. If they ever would be.

Justin hated that Brian would have the surgery during Christmas time and that they would have to change their usual Christmas plans. With the timeline they had set up with the doctor now, Brian would have surgery on the 12th of December. He would then recover from the surgery for two to three weeks and would start the chemotherapy after Christmas, maybe in the new year. Which meant that their baby which was supposed to be born at the end of March would now be born shortly after Christmas, maybe even still in this year.

It would change a lot of their plans, but none of that mattered to either of them, if it meant keeping Brian and M alive. What did one smaller, different Christmas mean in the long run if it meant that Brian and their child would survive and they would have many more Christmasses to come to celebrate together as a family?

Justin knew that Gus and Luke would be disappointed. They loved Christmas and they loved the big celebration at their house that went with it. They loved having their grandmothers, their aunts and uncles and all the people they loved at their house for a big Christmas dinner just as much as they loved the run up to Christmas during which Justin and the boys would drive Brian crazy with all their decorating, baking and singing of Christmas songs.

All of that would be different this year with Brian in the hospital having surgery and then recovering from his surgery. There was no way they would be able to put on a big celebration like that. Justin just hoped that the boys would understand once they explained everything to them.

Which was another thing he wasn't looking forward to. How do you explain to your eight and thirteen year old sons that their father might die and that their unborn sibling might not survive either? How do you explain something like that to children?

Brian and Justin had talked about it earlier that day, but in the end hadn't really come to a decision because neither of them really knew how to handle a situation like that. At the end of the day, they had both agreed on honesty, knowing that the boys deserved them to be honest and knowing that they would fare best with honesty. But other than that, Justin had no idea how to tell them something like what they had to tell them.

His heart broke at the mere thought of telling Gus and Luke something like this. They would be devastated. Both boys loved Brian and adored him. Brian was a great father to both of them and loved them with all his heart and they loved him back just like that. Brian did whatever he could to make sure that his sons grew up happier than he ever felt as a child and both boys knew that they were loved by their father beyond any doubt.

And even though Justin might never say it out loud, he especially worried about Gus. Poor Gus who had already been through so much in his young life with Lindsay in prison and Melanie just abandoning him. Poor Gus who had already lost two of his parents at such a young age and was now faced with the very real possibility of losing his only biological parent that was left to him as well.

Justin couldn't help but wonder how he would react and promised to himself that he would make sure that both Gus and Luke would be alright. Of course he would, he loved both boys more than anything, but now, he knew that they would need that love even more than usual. They would need to know that Justin was there, loved them and would always take care of them. No matter what. Both of them.

He sighed as they pulled into the school parking lot, a bit early for picking up their sons. They had decided to make it straight to the school to pick up Gus and Luke instead of going home first which wouldn't really have made much sense as they would only have had a couple of minutes at home before they would have had to leave for the school anyway.

Now they were sitting here in the school parking lot with about half an hour to kill before school would be out for the week.

“You okay?” Brian asked as he turned to look at Justin in the driver's seat. Justin had been quiet the whole ride from their doctor's office to the school which was very unlike Justin. Usually he couldn't shut up, but now he hadn't said a single word in the last 45 minutes.

“Just thinking,” the younger man replied absent-mindedly, not looking at Brian, but staring straight ahead at the school building.

“Wanna talk about it?” Brian offered, realising how much unlike him that sentence sounded. Yeah, he had an easier time talking about his feelings and emotions now compared to his younger self ten years ago, but he still didn't like it much. He knew however that Justin was suffering from the news they had received in recent days and he could only imagine how he was feeling and how he was probably bursting to say something about their recent visit with the doctor. Justin was a person that always needed to talk about his feelings and emotions to be able to work through them. Brian had learned that the hard way over the 13 years that he had known him. In the beginning he had hated it, but now he knew that it was just who Justin was and that it was a part of loving him. And he loved him. More than anything. And if talking about feelings was what was needed to keep Justin happy, then that was what Brian would do.

Justin sighed before he turned to look at Brian. “I just don't know how we are going to tell them. How do you tell them something like this?”

Brian knew immediately that Justin was talking about their sons and he understood perfectly. If he was honest with himself, he had no idea either.

“We'll be honest. It's all we can do,” Brian said, repeating what they had agreed on earlier.

“But they are so young. How are they supposed to cope with hearing something like: Oh and by the way, your daddy and your unborn brother or sister might die.”

“Well, we should probably work on the delivery some more before we tell them,” Brian tried to joke, but stopped when he saw Justin's serious expression. Knowing that Justin was in no mood for jokes, Brian turned around to face his partner and took his hands in his own. “I have no idea. I really have no fucking idea at all, but... I know that we'll figure it out. We will. We always do. This will be no different. We'll have a fun day with them and later tonight, we'll sit them down at home and will talk to them. Just like we agreed.”

They had talked earlier about what would be the best time to tell the boys and remembering how they had promised the boys to make up for just leaving them with their grandmother like that the day before, they had agreed to take the boys out for some greasy pizza and a movie before heading home. Once home they would figure out how to tell them. One way or another.

Justin nodded, knowing that there was really nothing more to say. As much as he didn't want to tell the boys, as much as he wanted to keep this away from them and wanted to protect them from this pain and heartbreak that was coming their way, he knew that was not possible. He couldn't protect them from this. All he could do was to be by their side and support them in any way that they needed.

They waited in silence until the school bell rang, announcing that the school day was over. Brian and Justin got out of the car, watching as a horde of children and teenagers came running out of the school building and towards the parking lot.

Gus was the first to appear at the door to the building, surrounded by a group of friends, talking to them, wishing them a happy weekend and saying goodbye to them. Once he and his friends had said goodbye, he looked around the car park and nodded at his fathers when he saw them standing by their car.

He made his way over and gave both of them a very quick, short hug. Gus was 13 now and this was outside his school where his friends could see him. Long hugs with parents were very uncool.

“Hey sonny boy, how was your day?” Brian greeted his son.

“Good. We got the results on our English lit test back. I got an A.”

“That's great, Gus!” Justin enthused, feeling happy for the boy. Gus had grown up to be an incredibly smart boy which wasn't really a surprise if you looked at who his father was and how smart he was. Both Justin and Brian were smart and had always stressed the importance of school work. Yes, they wanted their sons to be happy and have fun in life, but they had always made sure that both Gus and Luke would know that being lazy in school was not an option. Their fathers expected them to study and do well in school which luckily both boys did.

“I am proud of you, sonny boy,” Brian agreed, giving his son a clap on his back before he got into the car. Much like Brian Gus didn't quite know how to handle praise and mostly just tended to ignore when someone said they were proud of him or that he had done well. Now was just one of those moments.

As they waited for Luke to make his way out of the school, Gus looked out of the window at the back and spoke to his father. “Is everything okay, Dad?”

Brian frowned, but quickly schooled his face into a neutral mask after his eyes had met with Justin's for a second. “Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't it be?”

Gus shrugged. “We had to stay at Grandma's last night. She said you were fine, but... I don't know... usually you tell us before we have a sleepover.”

Not wanting to lie to his son, but also not wanting to tell him what was going on just now in the school parking lot, Brian just decided on as much honesty as seemed okay in that moment.

“Your Papa and I just needed to talk about some things and we figured it was best to do that without any interruptions.”

“You argued?” Gus raised an eyebrow in mild interest.

Damn, that boy was too smart for his own good, Justin thought not for the first time.

“No, Gus. We didn't argue. There were just some things we needed to talk about. Just us. Between adults. I am sorry we didn't give you any warning, it just came up yesterday.”

Gus just shrugged. “It was okay. Staying at Grandma Jen's is fun.”

Just then Luke came running over to their car and immediately jumped into Justin's arms. He was still at an age where he didn't mind showing his excitement at seeing his parents and where he didn't mind if his friends saw that he was excited to see his dads or not.

“Papa!”

“Hey, honey! How was your day?” Justin asked as he held Luke close and gave him a tight hug. He then let his son down, allowing him to walk over to the other side of the car where he gave Brian a hug as well. Much more careful and with less jumping and running, always mindful of his father's pregnancy.

“Great! We got our roles for the Christmas play today and I am gonna be an angel,” he excitedly told his fathers as he gave Brian his hug and quickly touched his belly as he always did when he saw his father.

“An angel? I couldn't think of anyone more perfect for that role,” Brian smiled at his son, thinking about how perfect Luke would be in the role of an angel with his blond curls and shiny blue eyes.

The play was something that was always put on on the last day of the year before everyone was off on their Christmas break and Luke had been excited for days about wanting a part in it and hoping that he would get one.

“How about we get out of here?” Justin suggested, not wanting Luke to get into the whole issue of them attending the play. Of course they would, normally, but this year, with the surgery coming up, Justin just doubted that Brian would be able to go and he knew how much Brian would hate to lie to Luke, so maybe it was better to leave this conversation until after they had told the boys the truth about what was going on.

“Your Dad and I were thinking that maybe we could go and have some pizza at the mall before we go and watch a movie. How about that Christmas movie you both wanted to see?”

Both boys were excited about the idea of pizza and the movie, so they were quickly off on their way.

They had a fun afternoon at the mall, which pretty much was Brian's nightmare, but he did it for his sons and bravely made it through the greasy pizza, all the stores with their cheap bargains and the hordes of Christmas shoppers before they finally arrived at the movie theatre for their movie. Brian hated the mall on the best of days, but during Christmas time with all the happy decorations and Christmas songs blasting through the loud speakers, it was only worse.

“I am gonna make you pay for this, Sunshine,” Brian whispered into Justin's ear as they settled down for the movie, making sure that Luke and Gus weren't listening.

“Oh, I am counting on it,” Justin smirked, before taking Brian's hand and giving it a squeeze. He knew about Brian's dislike of the mall, but he also knew that Brian would do anything for the boys and they both knew that the boys had enjoyed their late afternoon and evening at the mall and the movie theatre. And at the end of the day that was all that mattered.

They enjoyed the movie, a mindless Christmas comedy of the kind that got released every winter, but that made the boys laugh with the antics of the main character and then made their way home once it was over.

Getting closer and closer to the moment both men were dreading, they grew more and more silent and left most of the conversation to Gus and Luke who were happily re-enacting their favourite scenes from the movie in the back of the car.

Once home, Justin suggested that they both get dressed in something more comfortable and come down into the kitchen where Justin would prepare some hot chocolate for the whole family.

Gus and Luke happily agreed, then ran up the stairs, getting rid of their backpacks, their clothes and everything else they wouldn't need.

As the boys got dressed in something more comfortable, Brian and Justin went into the kitchen.

Justin prepared the hot chocolates for himself and the boys and some tea for Brian, who would never drink hot chocolate which he claimed had way too much sugar and then they settled down at the kitchen table, waiting for the boys to return.

“It'll be fine,” Justin said quietly, when he saw Brian's serious expression.

“I hope so.”

“They will be okay. They are both so strong and resilient and they will have us and the family to support them. Don't worry about them,” Justin said seriously, as he leaned in and gave Brian a quick kiss.

He could feel Brian's tension and his pain and he knew how much Brian hated what was to come, but unfortunately, there was no way around it and all Justin could do was be by Brian's side and support him as well as he could.

Just then Luke came running into the kitchen, which made them break up their kiss.

“Where is Gus?” Brian asked, only to hear him coming down the stairs a few seconds later.

Once Gus and Luke had settled at the table as well and had taken their first sips of hot chocolate, it had been Gus who had started the conversation.

“What's with the serious faces?”

“Your Papa and I have something that we need to tell you, but we're not quite sure how.”

“Is it a surprise?” Luke asked eagerly, not yet catching on to the serious tone and faces of his fathers.

“No, it's not. It's something serious,” Justin replied quietly, looking at his son with warm, loving eyes.

“Oh,” Luke just said, before he looked towards Brian. “Is it bad news?”

“Unfortunately, yes,” Justin went on, looking at both boys.

“Is that why we had to stay at Grandma Jen's yesterday?” Gus asked with a frown on his face.

“Your dad and I received some bad news yesterday and we needed some time to deal with it ourselves and to figure out how to deal with it,” Justin said.

“Is something wrong with M?” Gus immediately asked in a very concerned voice. He looked at his father from worried hazel eyes that were so much like Brian's that it felt like looking into a mirror when Brian met his gaze.

“M is fine,” Brian said seriously, wanting to take that worry away from the boys. “Though what we have to tell you, will affect the baby as well.”

“I don't understand,” Gus admitted, looking from Brian to Justin in confusion.

“You remember when I had to go to the hospital for that bad cough I had?” Brian asked, looking from Gus' to Luke's confused faces. When both boys nodded, he went on. “The doctors wanted to know where that cough came from and why it was so bad and did some tests and when the results of those tests came back, those were not good news,” Brian whispered in a very quiet voice, hardly audible to the people around the table.

“Are you sick again, Daddy?” Luke asked, his eyes widened in obvious fear for his father. He hadn't liked his father being in the hospital, but once he had come home his fathers had told him that everything was okay and the cough would go away soon.

Justin's and Brian's eyes met and Brian was glad when Justin held out his hand for Brian to hold. Once Brian took Justin's hand in his own, he felt the smaller hand grip his tightly in a supportive squeeze. Brian felt glad for that support. In that moment it meant the world to him.

“Yes. Yes, I am, sonny boy,” Brian whispered, not looking at Luke, but at his and Justin's joined hands. He just couldn't look at his son's face, knowing what kind of pain he would find there.

“And you have to go back to the hospital again?” Gus asked, his voice very serious and quiet.

“Yes, I have to go back to the hospital for a surgery.”

“And then you will be better again?” Luke asked in a hopeful voice.

“Unfortunately, they don't know yet, sonny boy.”

“What do you mean?” Gus asked, raising a brow in confusion.

Brian sighed and took a deep breath before he went on. “They found what the doctors call a tumour in my lung. It's cancer and it means that there are cells in my body that are sick and trying to destroy the healthy cells in my body. This cancer is in my lung and it's a very serious illness. People can die from having lung cancer and we hope that the surgery will help, but it's too early to say that for sure. Nobody knows at this point.”

Luke's eyes had widened to comical proportions while his father had talked. He had heard the word cancer before, mostly from people in his school when they had talked about grandparents or old relatives. He knew that people died of cancer. He didn't know anyone that had died, but he knew other kids who had lost their grandparents or other relatives to cancer.

“You will die?” Luke asked in a fearful voice and that was the point when the first tears left his expressive, blue eyes.

Justin's heart broke for his son when he saw the fear in his eyes and saw the tears and he wished there was something he could do to make that pain go away.

“We don't know, honey. The doctors found the cancer very early, so they can treat it right from the beginning. We all hope that they found it early enough and that your daddy will be fine after he has his surgery and the chemotherapy that will follow.”

While Luke continued crying, trying to understand what his Papa had just told him, Gus asked. “What is a chemotherapy?”

“It's a therapy where they give you a medicine that will kill the cancer cells in your body. Unfortunately, it will also affect your healthy cells and it will make you very sick while you have this therapy. But... once you make it through this therapy, they hope that the sick cells will all be gone and only healthy cells will remain.”

“What kind of medicine makes you sick?” Gus asked, genuinely trying to understand what his father was saying.

“It's a very important therapy when you have cancer, but unfortunately, it's not perfect and it will make you very sick while you have this therapy. Hopefully in the end the sickness will be worth it because all the sick cells will be gone from your body,” Brian explained some more, trying to keep the explanation as simple as he could.

“And then you will be healthy again?” Luke asked, now standing at his father's side, looking at him from his big, teary eyes. Brian had been so focused on Gus and his question that he hadn't noticed Luke getting up from his own chair and coming over to his side. He took his teary-eyed son in his arms and pulled him up to sit on his lap. He held him close and wiped away his tears when he spoke next.

“Yes, that is the idea. That the surgery and this chemotherapy will make me healthy again. We can only hope.”

“And... if it doesn't work?” Gus asked, now sounding quite emotional as well, getting an idea what the answer to his question would be.

“If it doesn't work, then...,” Brian took a deep breath here, “then I might die of this cancer.”

“Die?” And that was the point when Gus also lost his fight against his tears. He was so much like his father and had tried so hard not to cry, but when presented with the very real chance that his father might die, he just couldn't not cry.

“We will do all we can to make sure that doesn't happen,” Justin said, his hand absentmindedly running up and down Luke's back, who was still sitting in Brian's lap and was still crying, while he looked at Gus with tears in his own eyes. “That's why your father will have the surgery to remove that tumour next week and then when he has recovered from the surgery, he will start on the chemotherapy.”

Gus was now coming over to Brian's side as well and threw his arms around his father and his brother in his father's arms. “I don't want you to die,” he cried as he hugged his father like he might disappear any minute now.

“I know, sonny boy,” Brian cried, now having lost the fight against his own tears as well. “I don't want to die either,” he whispered, pulling both his sons and Justin closer and hanging on to them for dear life. This was his family, his lifeline, his reason for living. He was not ready to lose them. Not yet.

They stayed like that for a long time, both Brian and Justin allowing the boys to shed their tears as well. Brian and Justin had already had a day to get used to the idea of Brian having cancer and maybe dying, but the boys had only just been confronted with the very real possibility of their father dying and they deserved to shed their tears as well over that news.

Brian and Justin held them for the longest time, just gently holding them, hugging them tight and whispering soothing words to them.

In the end, they all ended up together in the master bedroom. Usually Brian and Justin made it a point not to have the boys sleep in their bed unless they were sick or had a nightmare and to only have them come into their bed in the mornings for some early morning cuddle sessions, but this time they made an exception, knowing that the boys needed to be with their daddy right now and knowing that both their fathers needed to have the boys close as well.

With both boys being older now, it was quite a tight fit to get all four of them into the master bed, but they made it work.

They tried to talk about nice things, tried to talk about things not connected to their father being sick and in the end fell asleep together in each other's arms.

Chapter 14

Brian woke to a hand running through his hair. At first he thought it was Justin's hand, but then he noticed that it felt slightly different. He couldn't really explain why, it just felt different. Not the way Justin ran his hands through his hair. Opening one eye to see who was running his hand through his hair, Brian started smiling when he saw Luke's blue eyes staring back at him.

“Morning, sonny boy.”

“Morning, daddy,” Luke replied quietly, never stopping with his caress of Brian's hair.

Brian was not surprised when Luke cuddled closer and moved his head to rest on Brian's chest, still not stopping with his caress of Brian's hair.

“Does it hurt, Daddy?” Luke asked quietly, resting his second hand on Brian's chest.

Brian knew what Luke was talking about and just shook his head slowly.

“No, it doesn't hurt. Not now.”

“That's good. I don't want you to be in pain,” Luke whispered, before he raised his head and looked at Brian once more. “I don't want you to be sick, Daddy.”

“I know, but unfortunately, that's out of our control. We can only deal with it now that we know.”

“Papa is really sad,” Luke said quietly, looking at Brian from his own blue eyes that looked exactly like Justin's.

“I know. So am I,” Brian admitted, not quite sure why he was admitting this to Luke, his eight year old son, but knowing that Luke deserved the truth. “I think we're all sad right now.”

“I heard Papa cry last night. When everyone was sleeping. I was awake and I heard him,” the small boy admitted and Brian's heart broke. He wished there was something he could do to take this burden away from his family. Neither Justin nor the boys deserved this.

“It's okay to cry, you know. And if your Papa feels like crying, then all we can do is try to be there for him and comfort him.”

Luke nodded at that. “I will try. I promise.”

“It's not your job to comfort your Papa, Luke. Your job is to be happy and have fun. That should not stop just because I am sick.”

“I am happier if you and Papa are also happy,” Luke said reasonably, his whole expression earnest as only a child's could be.

Brian smiled at the honesty he saw on Luke's face at that statement. “We'll try. I promise. Even though it might not be easy.”

“Okay,” Luke agreed, then rested his head on Brian's chest again. He really was so much like his father, Brian thought, thinking about how Justin loved to rest much in the same position as well.

Brian wrapped his arms around Luke's body and pulled his son closer, holding him tight. “I love you, sonny boy. Never forget that, okay?”

“I love you, too,” Luke immediately gave back, before leaning up and kissing Brian's cheek.

They stayed like that for a couple more minutes, before Brian decided that they should get a start on preparing breakfast. Justin and Gus were bound to wake up soon and the least he could do was prepare breakfast for them.

Luke loved helping him and immediately joined him in the kitchen to get started on their typical Saturday morning routine.

When they left the bedroom, neither of them noticed that Justin had been awake and had been listening to their conversation. Once they had left and Justin was sure they wouldn't see or hear that he was awake, he allowed his tears to flow once more.

He cursed the unfairness of the situation, cursed that he and his family were now caught in this mess, knowing that the next months would be very hard on all of them and there was no end in sight.

Justin froze when he heard Gus' voice speak to him, after he had cried for several minutes. “Are you okay, Papa?”

Justin cursed himself for not having left the bedroom, for having woken Gus up and for having been caught in his moment of weakness. He angrily wiped away his tears and then steeled himself, putting on his best fake smile. “Yeah.”

“I don't think you are,” Gus said quietly, looking at Justin from searching eyes. “It's okay, you know?”

Justin smiled, running a hand through Gus' hair. “Don't worry about me, Gus. I'll be fine.”

“You really are worried for Dad, aren't you?”

Justin sighed, knowing that Gus deserved an honest answer and knowing that he and Brian had promised themselves that they would be honest with the boys whenever the situation allowed it. There was no reason not to be honest now. Gus was a teenager now. He deserved to be treated as such and not as a small baby.

“Yes,” Justin sighed, taking a deep breath. “I am very worried and scared. Lung cancer is a serious illness.”

“I don't want Dad to die,” Gus whispered and Justin heard a pain in his son's voice that made his heart break for the boy.

“Neither do I,” he admitted. “And I know that your Dad will do whatever he can to fight this. Whatever it takes to make it through this. Your Dad won't give up. He loves you too much.”

“And you,” Gus said quietly, meeting Justin's gaze head on.

“Yeah, he loves all of us, just like we love him,” Justin smiled.

“Will this therapy that will make him sick hurt M?” Gus asked next, looking at Justin for an honest answer.

Justin realised with a start that they had told the boys that Brian was sick and needed the surgery and chemotherapy, but that in all the pain that had caused, they hadn't really talked about the baby.

“Yes, this therapy would hurt the baby a lot which is why they are going to get M early before your father will start with the chemotherapy.”

“So, he won't have to do that therapy until next year?” Gus asked and Justin realised that he hadn't been clear enough in his explanation. He realised what Gus was thinking, that Brian would have the baby as planned and would only start the therapy after he had had the baby.

“He will have the surgery on Tuesday and then he will recover for a couple of weeks. Probably two or three weeks. It's a big surgery and it will be hard on his body. But... after those two or three weeks... they will get the baby, so they can start with the therapy right away. If they don't start right away, they risk that the sick cells might spread in your father's body and then it will be too late to treat him,” Justin tried to explain in as simple terms as he could.

“But,” Gus frowned, looking at Justin in confusion, “M will be very small then. That's way too early for M to be born, right?”

Justin sighed, then nodded. “Yes, it is. It will be dangerous for M, but it's the best option for your Dad and the baby right now. Many babies that get born early are very small and need to stay in the hospital for some time, but then they grow up just like all the other children and will be fine.” He had decided not to go into survival rates and chances of disabilities. Gus was already scared enough, there was no need to scare him more right now. They could cross that bridge when the baby was born.

Gus seemed to think over Justin's reply for the longest time, then nodded. “So, both Dad and M could die?”

“Yes, they could, but Gus...,” Justin took a deep breath. “We are doing all we can to make sure that they will both be fine. That's why the doctors will do the surgery this quickly.”

Gus turned to lie on his back and stared at the ceiling. Justin could see that his eyes were glassy, but he wasn't crying – yet. He could see how Gus was trying to fight his emotions and felt bad for the boy by his side.

“It's okay to cry, Gus.”

“This sucks,” Gus angrily exclaimed before the tears won and he started sobbing next to Justin.

Justin moved closer to Gus and took him in his arms, holding him close as he cried for his father and his sibling and the injustice of the whole situation.

When he had calmed down, Justin ran his hand through Gus' auburn hair and whispered in a gentle voice. “I know this sucks... All we can do is hold on and make it through this as a family. It's okay to cry, Gus. It's okay to be angry. It's okay to yell or do whatever you have to do. It's okay. We're all dealing with this in our own way. But at the end of the day we're a family and we stick together. You, me, your Dad and Luke. And... I know that we can make this. I know that your father can make this. He can beat this illness and he and your brother or sister will be fine. We just have to trust in that, okay?”

Gus nodded into Justin's chest, his voice a whisper when he spoke next. “I don't want to lose Dad as well.”

Justin's heart broke for the boy in his arms, a boy who had already suffered so much in his young life, a boy who had already lost two parents in his young life and was now faced with losing another one. He didn't deserve this. Gus was a good boy and he didn't deserve any of this pain.

“Oh Gus, you have no idea how much I wish it wasn't like this. How much I wish you weren't faced with this. If there was anything I could do to take this pain away from you and Luke... I would do it in a heartbeat.”

They stayed like that for another twenty minutes, Justin giving Gus the time to work through his emotions and to calm down. Once the boy had calmed down, Justin looked at him from worried eyes.

“You can talk to me, okay? Whatever it is you're feeling, just let me know and I will listen, okay? You are not alone, Gus.”

Gus nodded, then slowly sat up. “Do you think I can go to the studio later? Alone?”

Justin knew that Gus loved sketching and painting and they had often painted together in the studio. This was the first time that Gus requested going to the studio alone. At first Justin was hesitant to let him into the studio on his own. Not because he was scared that Gus would destroy anything or cause trouble, but because he was scared that Gus was more like his father than they had known and was slowly pulling away from him, trying to work through his emotions on his own, bottling them up instead of talking to him or Brian. Then Justin remembered how his first reaction to bad news had always been a trip to the studio as well. How he had just let out his emotions on the canvas and how the painting had helped him deal with his own pain. Maybe Gus just needed this outlet. And who was Justin to take that away from him?

After some slight hesitation, Justin nodded. “Of course. If that's what you want to do.”

Gus just nodded.

“Alright, then that's what you'll do.”

They then decided to get up and join Brian and Luke in the kitchen for breakfast.

When Justin and Gus made their way down, they could hear Luke singing along very offkey to a song that was playing on the radio, Brian humming the tune as well with a smile on his face.

Justin stopped in the doorway, just watching his partner and his son as they were busy preparing fruit salad for everyone and couldn't help but smile. This was such a normal scene. This was just like any other Saturday morning in their house and it brought a smile to his face. This was normalcy and he could deal with that. This was a break from all the pain, however shortlived it might be. Maybe they could be alright if they just continued being themselves.

***

After breakfast, Justin helped Brian clean up the kitchen while Gus and Luke got dressed for the day.

“Is Gus okay?” Brian asked, looking at Justin from concerned eyes. “He was crying earlier, wasn't he?”

“He's scared,” Justin simply said and Brian nodded. “He knows about the dangers for the baby, too,” he added after a few seconds.

When Brian raised an eyebrow in question, Justin repeated his earlier conversation with Gus.

Brian sighed, running a hand over his face in frustration. “I should talk to him.”

“Leave him be for now,” Justin said quietly, resting a gentle hand on Brian's arm.

“He is hurting. Because of me. I should talk to him and take away his fears,” Brian argued.

“You can't. They are real fears and there is nothing we can do to make them go away if we don't want to lie to him. All we can do is help him deal with his fears and be there for him.”

“Which is why I should talk to him,” Brian only repeated.

Justin sighed. On the one hand he could understand Brian's need to talk to Gus, but on the other hand, Justin knew how alike Brian and Gus could be at times and he knew that more conversation was not what Gus needed right now.

“Brian... Gus is so much like you... If you go and talk to him, he will feel cornered and he will lash out.” At Brian's doubtful expression, Justin just nodded seriously. “He needs time to work through this on his own. He needs time to deal with this in his own way.”

“He is thirteen, Justin. Not an adult.”

“He wants to go to the studio later. Alone,” Justin just said, leaving that statement for Brian to chew on.

“What? Why?”

“I think because he wants to try and work through this in his own way. I think... he just needs an outlet for all his emotions and he thinks he might find it in the studio.”

“And we should just let him?”

“Well, it's better than drinking his way through our liquor cabinet and fucking half of gay Pittsburgh,” Justin replied calmly, looking Brian straight in the eye when he said this.

“What the fuck?” Brian just gave back, wondering what had made Justin say that.

“It's pain management, Brian. Don't pretend that you don't understand that. You had your way and he has his own way. Or... he's trying to find his own way.”

“And we should just let him do this on his own?” Brian didn't like it one bit. While he could see what Justin was saying about pain management, even though he didn't like it, Brian could admit that Justin had a point, he still didn't agree with leaving his son to fend through this on his own.

“He is not on his own,” Justin replied calmly.

“Well, from what you said, this is about him going to your studio alone and working through his emotions on his own.”

“Yes, but that is different from being alone. We are right here and he knows that. He knows that he can come to us if he needs us. He is not a baby anymore, Brian. He is growing up and... learning how to deal with painful situations... that's part of it. Give him that time in the studio. Maybe it will help him. And if not, we can still talk to him afterwards.”

“I don't like it,” Brian harrumphed.

“Neither do I, but... I get it. My first stop was the studio as well. It always is when I get bad news. Having that outlet, it helps me deal with things. And... maybe it will help him as well. If it doesn't, we can still talk to him. Just let him try to do it his own way first. He asked me for time alone in the studio. Maybe we just have to trust him that he knows what he needs right now. He's not a small boy anymore, Brian.”

“Sonny boy is growing up, huh?”

“I think so,” Justin nodded, leaning in for a gentle kiss. “He'll be fine, Brian. I'll make sure of it. You just concentrate on yourself, okay?”

“And who's making sure that you're okay?” Brian asked, his voice full of worry and concern.

“Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. We will all be fine.”

“I'll always worry. It's what I do,” Brian whispered, pecking Justin's lip in another kiss.

“And now you'll just have to trust us that we'll be okay and take care of yourself.”

“I am not sure I can do that,” Brian admitted and Justin wrapped his arms around him, holding him tight.

He knew how hard this was on Brian and he knew how much Brian hated giving up control in any way, shape or form. He knew how hard this whole situation was on Brian and how much harder it was going to get in the coming weeks and months.

“Well, you've got your own personal nurse to help you,” Justin winked, remembering how Luke had gone into full on nurse-mode and had taken care of Brian all throughout breakfast. He had constantly asked him if he was alright, if he needed anything, if he wanted Luke to get him anything and had almost refused to leave Brian's side when Justin had sent him to get dressed.

“I guess that's his way of dealing with this,” Brian sighed, not quite sure what to make of it. Luke had seemed mostly fine this morning, but he had been very clingy and had hardly moved away from Brian's side at all, claiming that he needed to help his Daddy in whatever way he could.

“If it helps him, let him,” Justin whispered, feeling relieved that Luke seemed to have found his own way of dealing with this situation. He had sworn to himself to keep an eye out on him though to make sure that he was really alright.

Brian nodded in agreement, knowing that there was not much else they could do anyway. After standing like that for a minute, Brian pulled back from Justin's embrace and eyed him seriously.

“We have to figure out a way to tell the others,” he said, his voice even.

Justin knew that if there was any chance at all to keep this a secret, Brian would do just that. Just like he had with his first bout of cancer so many years ago. Brian hated nothing more than pity and Justin knew that just the idea of letting everyone know that he was sick would equal being weak to him. Not that it did, but that was just how Brian's brain worked at times. Being sick and needing their friends' help would equal being weak to Brian and he would hate every second of it.

“We have to,” Justin said seriously, wanting to make sure that Brian knew there was no other option.

“I know,” Brian sighed. “And we should probably do it before the weekend is over.”

Justin agreed. With Brian having to go to the hospital for his surgery on Monday, having the surgery on Tuesday, there was no way they could delay this. And especially not now that Luke and Gus knew. They would need their family's support in taking care of the boys, they would need their help even if they might not like it.

“Maybe we can invite them to dinner tonight. That way we would only have to tell them once and everyone would know.”

“Sunshine, it's Saturday. Don't you think Emmett has a party to organise or Ted and Blake have opera tickets or some shit?”

“I am sure they can all make the time if we tell them it's urgent...”

“Or we can just wait until tomorrow when we'll see them all for family dinner anyway.”

“Shouldn't we tell them as soon as possible?” Justin asked with a raised eyebrow.

“What difference will one day make? Just... let us spend today with the boys and make sure that they are okay. We can worry about the rest of them tomorrow.”

Knowing that Brian was right and knowing that the boys should be their priority in any case, Justin agreed in the end to just let the rest of the family know at family dinner the next day and to focus on Gus and Luke this day.

They would spend the day as a family with their sons and would make sure that Gus and Luke were alright. They would leave the rest for the next day.

Chapter 15

They had spent a quiet day at their house on Saturday. Brian had played some games with Luke and Justin, careful not to overdo it, always being watched like a hawk by Luke who was in full on nurse mode for the rest of the day.

Gus had hidden away in Justin's studio for several hours, but seemed to be better when he had emerged later that afternoon. He had joined his fathers and Luke in their games and together they had played and laughed for another hour before it had been time for Luke and Justin to start preparing dinner.

Luke loved helping Justin cook and loved learning all about the different foods and how to prepare them. This was their thing, their one on one time that they spent together, much like Brian and Luke connected over soccer.

At first Luke had refused to leave Brian's side, but when Gus had promised his younger brother, that he would take good care of their Dad, Luke had given in and had gone to the kitchen with Justin.

While they had cooked, Justin had carefully asked some questions, wanting to see how Luke was handling things. As expected, he was scared for his father and was worried, but all in all he seemed to be okay. As okay as he could be under the circumstances. Yes, there were some tears, but Justin hadn't expected otherwise.

He marvelled at how resilient kids could be and marvelled at how well Luke seemed to handle everything. While they had talked, Luke had promised to take good care of his Daddy and his new baby brother or sister when the baby was there and promised to help in any way he could.

Justin couldn't help but smile at that, appreciating how much Luke wanted to help in whatever way he could. He made sure to remind his son that it was also important that he continued to do well in school and continued to hang out with his friends as he normally would and that he wasn't supposed to stop his normal life to be by his father's side all the time.

At first Luke had seemed reluctant to not spend any free minute with his Daddy, but when Justin had pointed out that his daddy would want him to continue to be the happy boy that he was and would want him to continue to have fun with his friends because that would make him very happy, Luke had agreed. Making his father happy was something he could get behind.

While Justin and Luke had been cooking away in the kitchen, Brian had sat down with Gus and had talked to him some more. Gus seemed quieter and Brian couldn't help but wonder if maybe Justin had been right. Maybe the time in the studio had just been what Gus had needed.

They had talked some more about the cancer, the treatment and the baby, Gus asking many questions, trying to understand everything that was going to happen in the next weeks and months, but during that conversation Brian got the overall feeling that maybe Gus would be alright. Or as alright as he could be under the circumstances.

It was obvious that his sonny boy was growing up and Brian had been impressed with how astute Gus' take on the whole situation had been. Gus had said to Brian that he knew that the next weeks and months would be hard and stressful and that that was okay. They would be fine. He knew that his fathers would be busy with Brian and the baby, he understood that they might have less time for him and Luke and he told Brian that it was okay.

At first Brian had tried to contradict Gus, had tried to tell him that he and Justin would never be too busy for Gus and Luke, but that was when he realised how much Gus had grown up and how astute he was. Gus pointed out that with Brian being sick and having the chemotherapy and them having a new baby of course they would be focused on those and not on him and Luke and Gus assured him that it would be alright. That he was sure they would have lots of friends and family around to help and that Gus would make sure that Luke would be alright as well. Much like Justin, Gus had clearly told Brian that he was not to worry about anyone else but himself and Brian grew quite wistful when he thought back to the small boy that had first come to live with him more than eight years ago.

Gus was truly growing up and Brian felt guilty because he knew that his sickness and their current situation were only making Gus grow up faster at a time when he should be enjoying his own childhood and teenage years.

He vowed to himself that he would make sure that Gus would still enjoy this time in his life and wouldn't grow up before he had to. Brian wanted him to have a happy childhood and happy teenage years, wanted him to have fun with his friends and not sit at home day in and out worrying about his sick father. He would talk to Justin and together they would figure out a way to make sure that both boys stayed just that: boys!

After a nice dinner the whole family settled down in the media room and watched a movie together. Justin had purposely chosen a comedy, so that there would be laughter and fun.

All in all it was a pretty good day and when the kids had gone to bed and Brian and Justin decided to retire to their own bedroom, the weight on their shoulders seemed slightly less heavy. They were both optimistic that the boys would be alright and would make it through this in one piece and that made them both less tense.

They fooled around for a bit and had some sex to take their mind of things and fell asleep in each other's arms, feeling slightly better and slightly more optimistic than the night before. Maybe they could do this. As a family. Together.

***

“Stop it,” Justin admonished, when Brian once again squeezed his thigh in an almost painful way.

“Sorry,” Brian just mumbled, pulling his hand back into his own lap.

They were on their way into Pittsburgh to Debbie's place where they would have their weekly family dinner. Over the years as their family had grown once more, they had started to have the family dinners in different places each Sunday. They would have it at Britin one week, in Debbie's place another week, then move on to Ted's and Blake's house and Emmett's and Drew's, before having it in Jennifer's home and then starting all over.

A long time ago it had been decided that they didn't want Debbie to have to cook for everyone every single week, no matter how much the matriarch of their little mismatched family might like it. Debbie wasn't the youngest anymore and it wasn't fair to leave her with all the work, just like it wasn't fair to have the dinner at Britin every week where Brian and Justin would be left with the clean-up. Quickly everyone had agreed on the rotating schedule and now they had the dinner somewhere else every week.

The whole ride it had been obvious that Brian was nervous which in itself was very unlike Brian. Brian Kinney didn't do nervous. He was always focused, business-like, but nervous was not an adjective anyone would use to describe him. Today however, he was definitely nervous.

Justin knew that it was because of the news they would have to share with the family. He knew that Brian didn't want to tell anyone about his cancer but had to. Brian knew that there was no other way, but Justin also knew that if it was Brian's choice, he would just not mention it at all. Which was not an option.

Brian hated pity in any form and Justin knew that much of his aversion with letting the others know had to do with his fear that they would pity him and would see him as weak now that he was sick, but another, probably much larger part was the fact that Brian hated to cause anyone pain and he knew that people would hurt over this news. Especially Debbie.

Justin could understand that Brian was reluctant about sharing this news and he knew that especially Debbie would be heartbroken. Debbie was Brian's mother for all intents and purposes. Even more so now that Michael was not a part of their lives any longer. Being faced with the very real possibility of losing her second son would hurt her and Justin knew that Brian hated hurting people that he loved.

Justin reached out his own hand and gave Brian's thigh a much gentler squeeze than some of the ones he had received on their ride into Pittsburgh. “It will be okay. They will be alright,” he said quietly, not wanting to raise Gus' and Luke's attention in the backseat who were busy discussing the movie they had seen on Friday after they had passed a cinema where they had seen the poster.

They didn't need the boys to pick up on Brian's tension and mood.

Brian just eyed Justin like he was crazy, but then, after the longest time nodded, giving his hand a squeeze with his own.

When they pulled up in front of Debbie's house, they all got out and quickly made their way into the warm house of their surrogate mother.

For once they weren't the last and had arrived right on time.

They greeted everyone who was already there and Justin tried his damnest to avoid his mother who was throwing him concerned glances while he greeted everyone else. He knew that she knew that something was up, but he didn't want to tell her before they told everyone else. He didn't think he could go through this twice and he knew that she could probably see in his face that something was seriously wrong.

Thankfully Luke had bounded over and had excitedly told her about being cast as an angel in their Christmas play at school which diverted her attention away from Justin for the time being.

Sometimes his son was simply the best, Justin thought to himself as he watched how Gus told Carl all about the English lit test and how well he had done.

They settled in their usual places and joined the conversations around them as they waited for Emmett and Drew to arrive who were apparently on their way, but had gotten delayed because Emmett had to attend an event earlier that afternoon.

They were due to arrive in another ten minutes and everyone decided to wait for them before they started with dinner.

Justin was glad to see that Ted and Brian were talking, probably something connected with Kinnetik. At least Brian wasn't just avoiding all conversation completely.

When his own conversation with Debbie had finished, Justin could feel someone's eyes on him and wasn't surprised that his mother was watching him intently when his gaze met hers. Seeing the question in her eyes, he just shook his head slightly, making it clear to her that he didn't want to talk about whatever was going on now.

He could see that she wasn't happy, but with the boys present, she didn't make a big deal out of it and instead continued talking to Blake about one thing or another.

A couple of minutes later Emmett and Drew arrived and everyone welcomed the two men. Once they had sat down, Debbie got the Lasagna out of the oven and urged everyone to start eating.

Conversation went on all around the table and Justin was glad to see that Brian was eating. Not much, but he was eating. As were the boys.

Thankfully today had been much easier than the day before and both boys had seemed mostly okay all day, but Justin knew that talking about Brian's sickness again in front of their whole family was most likely going to bring back the tears.

When it was time for dessert, Justin declined which was a big mistake as he realised right away. It was just that he didn't feel like eating at all. The closer they got to the dinner being over, the closer they got to telling everyone what was going on and that made any appettite he might have had go away. Debbie eyed him like he had grown a second head, frowning. “Are you okay, Sunshine? You not eating dessert is totally unlike you.”

“Leave him be, Deb,” Brian just said in a tense voice.

“Are you alright, baby? You don't look too good,” Emmett said, having overheard the exchange between Justin and Debbie.

“I am alright,” Justin said quietly, not liking how everyone's attention turned to him.

“Gus, Luke, why don't you take your dessert and go watch some TV?” Brian suggested, but was surprised when Gus just shook his head.

“I want to stay, Dad.”

“Me too,” Luke agreed with his older brother.

Brian was about to say no, not wanting this to be anymore difficult for the boys than it needed to be, but Justin just rested a hand on his arm. “Let them,” he said quietly, knowing that both boys wanted to be there for their father, wanted to be by his side. And just as he had gotten Brian to nod in agreement, both Gus and Luke came over from their seats and settled with their fathers. Gus settled in Brian's lap while Luke climbed into Justin's lap.

Justin just smiled from Brian to both boys, then ran a soothing hand over Luke's back.

“Okay, now you have me officially worried,” Debbie said, watching what had just unfolded in front of her. Something was obviously going on, she just didn't know what.

She looked around the table, but all she could see were more concerned and curious pairs of eyes. It was obvious that no one knew what this was about.

Not that it was unusual for Gus or Luke to sit with their fathers, but just the way this had come to be. It just felt weird and as if something was very, very wrong.

“Is everything okay?” Ted asked, his voice full of curiousity as well as concern.

Brian took a deep breath and Justin led his free hand to Brian's neck, playing with the hairs at the nape of his neck, hoping to offer some comfort with that touch.

“There is something we have to tell you,” he started, looking at Debbie when he continued. “You might actually want to sit down for this.”

Debbie did as she was told, holding her hand to her heart. “Oh God, it's the baby, isn't it?” She asked in a shocked voice full of despair.

“The baby is fine...,” Brian said and Justin could hear the unspoken 'for now' that he didn't say.

“Then what is it?” Emmett asked. “You all look like you're about to head to a funeral.”

Justin winced which didn't go unnoticed by his mother, who just spoke his name in that way that only mothers could do.

“Justin?”

Justin gave Brian's neck a squeeze, looking at his partner, giving him a slow nod, indicating that he should go ahead. The whole time he avoided looking at his mother, not sure if he would be able to keep it together if he saw her concerned gaze. And he needed to keep it together. For Brian and the boys.

“They found a tumour. In my lung. I'll have surgery to remove it on Tuesday,” Brian rushed out in one go and after he was done there was an eery silence in the living-room.

No one spoke and everyone just gaped at Brian with wide eyes and open mouths.

“A tumour?” Ted was the first one to find his voice and looked at his friend and boss from shocked eyes.

“I guess smoking kills after all,” Brian said sarcastically, but stopped whatever he was to say next when Justin shook his head at him and quietly spoke his name.

“Brian.”

“And after the surgery, you'll be fine?” Jennifer asked and Justin wasn't sure why he was so surprised when he heard the pain and concern in her voice. He knew that the days of his mother not accepting and liking Brian had been long gone. He knew that they had gotten closer over the years and especially during his years in New York. He knew that his mother cared for Brian and loved him, yet the pain and concern in her voice still surprised him.

“The surgery will be followed by chemotherapy to make sure that no cancerous cells remain and that the cancer won't spread,” Justin picked up, deciding that Brian shouldn't be the only one to face the inquisition by their family. Justin was his partner and he was here to help.

“But... the baby,” was all Debbie could say, still clutching her heart.

“Once I've recovered from the surgery they will get the baby. By that time I should be in my 25th or 26th week and chances are supposed to be really good for the baby,” was all Brian replied, not willing to go into numbers and chances of survival while Gus and Luke were present. They didn't need to hear those numbers. They were already scared enough as it was, which showed by the way Gus clung to him and leaned into him and by the way he saw Luke lean into Justin's chest as well, looking at his daddy from teary eyes.

“I... I don't know what to say,” Carl stuttered, feeling absolutely shocked by the news that had just been shared. Over the years he had come to love Brian and Justin like they were his own sons and he had a hard time wrapping his head around the fact that someone as young and seemingly healthy as Brian was suffering from such a serious condition when someone as old as himself seemed to be fine. That was not the way things were supposed to be. Young people weren't supposed to get sick and die. And especially not now, not when Justin and Brian were expecting another baby and getting ready to expand their family.

Ted was the first one to recover from the shock and turned all business-like. It was obvious that he had learned from the best when it came to hiding emotions behind a business-like mask.

“What can we do to help?” He asked, which was met by murmurs of agreements from everyone else at the table.

“We really don't know yet, but... I guess we'll be spending quite a lot of time in the hospital in upcoming weeks or going back and forth from the hospital,” Justin started, trying to make his voice sound stronger than he actually felt at the moment. “We might need some help organising school runs, taking the boys to their after school activities, that kind of thing. We're not really sure yet.”

“Of course!” Several people immediately agreed to help and Justin couldn't help but smile. This was their family, their weird, mismatched family and after everything they had been through, everyone was immediately willing to help when needed. It warmed Justin's heart and when he looked at Brian and their gazes met, he knew that Brian was feeling much the same even though he would never admit it.

Brian always tried to appear cool and collected in front of their family, his emotional side was something that mostly Justin and the boys got to see, though Justin knew that it had gotten better in recent years. He knew that Ted had a pretty good idea about what kind of person the real Brian was, he was also sure that Emmett was able to look past the facade that Brian liked to present and was able to see glimpses of the real Brian and of course there was Debbie, who had always known the depths of Brian's love for the people he cared about. He had a feeling that most people here right now knew Brian better than he'd like to admit to himself, but that was family as far as Justin was concerned. Real family, not connected by blood or name, but by love.

Brian allowed everyone to come over and say their piece, to wish him well, to offer their support to hug him and the boys and if he was honest with himself, he quite appreciated how the family stepped up.

He loved how Jennifer and Emmett had immediately taken Gus and Luke by the side and had made sure that both boys were okay. How Blake had joined them after talking to Justin for a bit and had made them laugh with a funny story, trying to get their mind off things. He appreciated how Ted had immediately assured him that work should be the last thing on his mind and that his company would be fine in his and Cynthia's hands. How he and Blake would be available whenever they were needed, whatever the time of day or night.

Brian appreciated it. Ted had been one of the few people who had known the first time when he had been sick and who had supported him back then in his own way. Ted, who had been by his side through everything that had been going on with Luke, Michael and Lindsay, Ted, who over the years had become his best friend, his most trusted friend and employee and who once again immediately stepped up, offering that he and Blake would be willing to take the boys whenever it was needed, whenever Brian might have a bad day or when Brian and Justin just needed a break from it all.

And then there had been Debbie and Jennifer. His mothers. For a lack of a better word. Debbie, who had taken him under her wing as a teenager and had loved him ever since, Jennifer, who had come to love and accept him and had learned to accept his love for Justin. Jennifer, who now loved him like he was her son as well and who adored her grandsons. Jennifer, who had taken Gus to be her grandson even though they had no physical relation and loved him in the same way she loved Luke, her physical grandson. Jennifer and Debbie, who had hugged him in ways that made him fear for his ribs and the baby. Jennifer and Debbie who had cried, but offered their support. Had offered to do school runs, cooking, cleaning, whatever was needed really.

Brian felt his heart warmed by how his family had taken the news and was now stepping up, already organising school runs for the rest of the week, knowing that he and Justin would be occuppied with his surgery.

He smiled when he saw Justin in Emmett's arms, saw them talking quietly, saw Emmett say something that brought a smile to Justin's face.

Whatever might happen, he knew that Justin and the boys would be okay. However this might end, Justin and the boys would be taken care of by their family. And that gave him more comfort than he had felt in days.

Chapter 16

“And we can come and see you, Daddy? You promise?” Luke asked in a teary voice when he said goodbye to his father on Monday morning. As had been agreed the day before at family dinner, Jennifer would do the school run for that day once school was over, while Brian and Justin had to get ready to go to the hospital for Brian's surgery the following day and she would take care of the boys until Justin made it home in the evening.

Both Gus and Luke had been very emotional that morning and had pleaded and begged that they didn't have to go to school, but could stay with their fathers.

Brian and Justin had been strict however and had insisted that Gus and Luke went to school. Once they headed to the hospital in a couple of hours there was nothing the boys could do anyway and they wouldn't be allowed to be around for the pre-surgery preparations anyway.

“I promise,” Brian said seriously, giving Luke a hug, before looking him and then Gus in the eyes. “We'll speak tonight and once the surgery is over and I am okay, your Papa will bring you both to the hospital, so you can come and visit.”

Both boys nodded, still not quite happy with what was about to happen, but knowing that they wouldn't be able to change their fathers' minds.

“Okay,” Gus nodded, before leaning in and giving his father a hug as well. They said their goodbyes for the moment, before they left for school with Justin, while Brian stayed at home and cleaned up their breakfast mess.

Once Justin had returned from school, assuring Brian that both boys were okay and would be fine, they got ready to head to the hospital where Brian would have to undergo some more examinations in preparation for the surgery the next day.

Except for him having lung cancer, Brian was a ridiculously healthy man and thankfully in a good condition for what was to come and for the fight his body was getting ready to fight.

The assurance from their doctor that all of Brian's tests had returned okay and he was in a good condition had given Justin some more hope. If anyone could do this, could fight this cancer, it would be Brian. Brian who had lived healthy for so many years. Who avoided eating anything unhealthy whenever he could help it, who went to the gym religiously, who had given up smoking and drugs and drinking for the most part years ago, so he could be a better father for his children.

If anyone was in any condition to beat cancer, it was Brian as far as Justin was concerned and this was a hope that he clung on to for his own sanity's sake.

In the evening, after all tests had been run, everything had been prepared for the surgery the next day, Brian and Justin had spent some time together, curled up on Brian's bed in his private room (Thank fuck for private insurance and being rich, Brian thought not for the first time), silently talking about what the next day would bring.

It was Brian who had urged Justin to make his way home to be with the boys.

“You should go home.”

“I don't want to,” Justin replied quietly, only moving closer to Brian's side.

“They need you more than I do,” Brian replied equally quiet.

“They're okay. Mom is taking care of them,” Justin said, obviously not willing to leave yet.

“They don't need your mom, they need you.”

“Brian,” Justin whined, clearly not willing to leave just yet.

“Please, we promised them,” Brian reminded him.

“And I promised you to be by your side,” Justin whispered, not moving an inch from Brian's side.

“I know you did, but they need you more than I do now. I'll... I'll probably just drive you crazy anyway. Go. Go home and make sure that they are alright. For me, please!” Brian whispered and Justin could hear the emotion in the older man's voice when he spoke.

“I don't want to leave you here on your own,” Justin said once more, looking around the sterile room that they were in. It looked cold, unfamiliar and unwelcoming. He hated hospitals and would never like them, but more than that, he knew that Brian hated hospitals as well. He didn't want to leave his partner alone.

“You are not leaving me. I am sending you home. Go home, take care of the boys, have them call later as we promised. And... then... when they are in bed, call again, okay?” Brian said quietly, his voice betraying his real emotions. He didn't want Justin to leave just as much as Justin didn't want to leave him and he wanted Justin to stay by his side as well and why wouldn't he? Brian was scared and who wouldn't be? He was to undergo major surgery the next day which in itself was already dangerous. On top of that nobody really knew how long it would take him to recover from that surgery. They had been warned earlier that day that Brian might be on oxygen for weeks, maybe months to come, helping his lungs adjust to the smaller lung capacity after the part of the lung that was infected by the tumour had been removed. That in itself was a scary thought. What if Brian would never be able to breathe again on his own? The doctors had said that was more than highly unlikely, but it was not impossible. And the thought scared Justin and he knew it was scary for Brian as well.

And not just because Brian had always been vain and having to wear an oxygen mask or canula would certainly hinder his style, but also because Brian loved nothing more than playing soccer with Luke, messing around in the pool with Gus, having hot, endless sex with Justin. All things that might have to take a step back if his lungs didn't work at full capacity.

Brian had every right to be scared, Justin knew that he definitely was for his partner and he wanted to be by Brian's side, wanted to support him through that. He didn't want to leave his partner alone on the night before the surgery that might have an impact on his body for the rest of his life.

And just hearing Brian's request, asking him to call back once the boys were in bed, showed Justin just how scared Brian really was. Yes, he was trying to act all strong and unemotional, but Justin knew that was just an act and hearing the small voice in which Brian had requested for Justin to call him later in private... that just showed him how much Brian really needed him to be there by his side.

“Brian, it's okay. Mom knows that I am not likely to come home tonight,” Justin said seriously, looking up at the hazel eyes of his partner.

“Please, Sunshine! Just...I want you to go home and take care of Gus and Luke. I need you to make sure that they are alright. Please!”

Brian didn't beg often, Justin could barely remember him begging ever before and hearing the raw pain in his voice when he asked Justin to go home and take care of their sons made Justin feel bad. It made him feel bad about his reluctance to leave Brian alone and his reluctance to go home. Not that he didn't want to be with the boys, but as he had said, he knew that his mom was with them and he knew that his mom would take good care of them. He knew they would be alright with her and he was really reluctant to leave Brian alone in this situation. Yet Brian was requesting again and again that he leave. And that was what made him feel really bad. Even now, even this close to the surgery that could change their lives forever, all Brian was thinking about was their sons, not himself.

Justin sighed, his gaze meeting Brian's for the longest time, before he finally nodded. “Okay.”

Justin could see the relief on Brian's face and could feel his whole body relax immediately. He slightly pulled back from his position at Brian's side and moved up to be in a sitting position. His eyes never left Brian's as he ran his hand through Brian's hair and then gently ran his fingers down Brian's cheek before he leaned in for a gentle kiss.

When the kiss ended, he carefully got out of the bed and got back in his shoes. He stood next to the bed, once more leaning down for a kiss, happy when Brian leaned into the kiss.

“Thank you,” the older man whispered into the kiss and all Justin could do was nod.

He knew how worried Brian was about the boys and he was as well, absolutely. It wasn't like he was not worried about how they were doing, but he was just as worried about Brian and torn about who needed him more. And the boys would have his mom who was taking care of them while Brian would be all on his own, something Justin didn't like at all.

“I love you,” Justin said quietly, pulling back from their kiss, looking at Brian seriously. “I'll be back tomorrow morning, okay?”

Brian nodded, not able to say anything. He swallowed once, twice and Justin knew how emotional he was. He waited patiently, giving Brian the time to get his emotions under control until he was ready to speak.

“I wish it wasn't like this. You would deserve so much better, Sunshine,” he finally got out and Justin's heart broke.

“Stop, Brian! You didn't ask for this and I am right where I want to be. I love you. Not just when it's all rosy and good. I love you, Brian. Through good and bad. We'll make it. You will!”

“I just wish... that we... that I... hadn't wasted so much time,” Brian said quietly and Justin could see how glassy his eyes were, could see how close to tears Brian was.

He instinctively leaned in, hugging the taller man on the bed, holding him close. “Stop that! Right now. It doesn't matter now. All that matters is the here and now. We're here together. As a family. That's all that matters, you hear me?”

When Brian didn't reply, Justin ran his hand through Brian's hair once more. “Brian, I... I really don't want to leave you here on your own when you're in this mood,” he said honestly, not ready to leave now.

“I am okay, Sunshine. Really. Just thinking too much,” Brian sighed, grasping Justin's hand with his own and squeezing. “All those drugs must make me sentimental, I guess,” Brian tried to joke, nodding towards the cup with the mild sleeping pills the nurse had left earlier in case he would have problems sleeping tonight.

Neither Justin nor Brian pointed out that he hadn't taken any pills yet. That wasn't necessary.

“Are you sure you'll be okay?” Justin asked quietly, still reluctant to leave Brian alone in this mood and on this night.

Brian nodded seriously, pulling himself up into a sitting position. “I am fine. Really.”

Justin looked doubtful, but in the end knew that he wouldn't go against Brian's wishes. If Brian wanted him to be at home with their sons that was where he would be.

“I'll have the boys call before they go to bed and I promise to call you later, okay?” Justin whispered, leaning in for another quick kiss.

When Brian nodded and said a quiet 'thanks', Justin just nodded as well, then pulled back and left the room without another glance at Brian, knowing that he wouldn't leave otherwise.

He made his way home and had dinner with the boys and his mom. The atmosphere was very subdued, everyone hanging on to their own thoughts about Brian and the upcoming surgery.

As promised, the boys called Brian on Facetime before they went to bed and spend an hour talking to him about this and that, telling him about their day at school and wishing him all the best for the surgery the next day.

Once that conversation was over, Justin made sure to sit with either boy, giving them the chance to talk to him in case there was anything they needed to talk about.

Both boys were rather calm and collected, though it was obvious that beyond all that, they were scared for their father.

Jennifer had offered to spend the night for which Justin had been glad. It had been good to have her around and even though he hadn't felt like talking to her much, it had been nice to have her hold him and hug him before they had called it a night. It had felt good when she had held him tight, had given him a kiss on his head and had told him that she loved him and Brian. Justin once again felt blessed for how much his mother had changed from all those years ago when she had first found out that he was gay.

He wasn't sure what he would do without her support and he was glad that he had it.

Once he had taken a shower and had made it into bed, he had called Brian as promised. They had talked for almost two hours. Sometimes they had just been quiet, had just looked at each other and had just spoken with their eyes and sometimes they had talked about this and that.

Justin had assured Brian that the boys were alright and had been okay which seemed to calm Brian a lot. Brian still seemed more agitated than Justin had liked, but he guessed that was to be expected. There wasn't much he could do about that, so he just offered Brian an ear whenever he felt like talking about his feelings.

Brian had opened up some during their talk, had mentioned some of his regrets and fears to Justin and Justin had hated not being there with Brian, not being able to hold him and hug him and tell him in person that it was okay. All of that was in the past and long gone and right now their past was not even a blip on Justin's radar. All Justin could think of was the here and now and hopefully the future they would have and he wished that it would be the same for Brian, but he couldn't really blame him for the thoughts he had.

He guessed that if he was confronted with his own mortality, he might feel inclined to look over his life and his actions as well and he might feel regrets as well. He was pretty sure that he would, but he wished that Brian wouldn't put those regrets on top of everything else that was already going on. The past was just that: The past. It was all long gone and didn't matter anymore. He wished Brian would see that as well, but he knew that he couldn't expect that under these circumstances.

So Justin calmly listened to what Brian had to say, gave his thoughts, told him that it was okay, that they were okay, told him how much he loved him, how much the kids loved him and hoped that he was getting through to Brian somehow.

After talking for two hours, it was Brian who ended the call, pointing out that he should probably try to get some sleep, so he would be rested for the surgery the next day.

Justin reluctantly agreed and after the call had ended, started tossing and turning, not being able to sleep at all.

He had tried to go to sleep for two hours, before he gave up, realising that he wouldn't find any sleep at all in their bed. He quietly got dressed, made his way over to the guestroom where his mom was staying, spoke to her for a minute, reassured by her understanding eyes and then left the house.

Fifteen minutes later he quietly made his way into Brian's room. He wasn't surprised when he heard Brian's voice the moment he had closed the door. “What are you doing here?”

Justin just made his way over to the bed, kicked off his shoes and quietly climbed in, curling up at Brian's side, resting his hand on Brian's belly. “Couldn't sleep.”

“Sunshine,” Brian started quietly, but Justin just shut him up with a quick kiss.

“Shut up, Brian. The boys are sleeping, Mom is at the house and I'll be back home before they will get up. I have been tossing and turning for the last two hours and judging by the looks of you it hasn't been much different for you. I did what you wanted me to do earlier, so now it's your turn to just do what I want you to do,” Justin said seriously, looking at Brian from eyes that told him that contradicting Justin would be futile.

Brian just nodded, pulling Justin closer, resting his arm on his partner's hips, holding him close.

They just stayed like that for the longest time and when Brian wondered if Justin might have already fallen asleep, he said quietly. “I am glad you're here.”

To his surprise Justin was still awake and replied equally quiet. “I know.”

After that, no more words were spoken and both men just held each other close. Shortly after, they both fell into the first sleep they both had that night, their bodies finally able to relax enough to let sleep claim them.

As promised, Justin left early the next morning in time for the boys to wake up. It had been a short night and he felt tired when he left, but he knew that he would have slept even less, if at all if he had stayed at home alone in their bed. At least this way he had gotten some hours of sleep.

He went through their normal morning routine with Luke and Gus before taking them to school. His mom had commented on how much calmer he looked than he had at night when he had come to tell her that he would return to the hospital to be with Brian and Justin wasn't quite sure what to make of the smile he saw on her face as she said that. Did she think they had fucked? Really? That had been the last thing on either of their minds. Last night had just been about being together and supporting each other by being there.

Once the boys were in school, Justin returned to the hospital, just in time for Brian to be prepared for the surgery and to be wheeled off. They got a moment of privacy to talk and Justin tried to sound as positive as he could when he said 'Later' as Brian was wheeled off to surgery.

As he made his way back to Brian's private room, preparing himself for the long wait until the surgery was over, he was happy when he saw Emmett waiting there.

“What are you doing here?” Justin asked in obvious surprise.

“I figured you could do with some company,” Emmett just said with a toothy grin, before opening his arms in invitation.

Justin immediately went into Emmett's arms and allowed his friend to hug him and hold him for the longest time. “Thank you,” he just said, being glad for his friend being there, being glad for not having to be on his own while he waited for an update on how the surgery was going.

“Don't mention it, baby,” Emmett just said cheerily, then pointed to Brian's bedside table. “Now have some breakfast. I am sure you didn't eat anything earlier.”

“Emmett, I am not sure I can...,” Justin started, but his reply was waved away by his friend.

“Don't even try. You will eat! The next weeks and months will be hard, stressful and god knows what else and you need to keep your strength up. So eat. Now!”

“You start sounding too much like Debbie for your own good,” Justin said with a smile.

“And you wouldn't dare to contradict me, would you, Sunshine?” her voice suddenly appeared from behind Justin, who turned around in shock.

“Debbie? Mom?” He looked up in obvious confusion when he saw the two women that had just entered the room.

“You didn't expect us to leave you here on your own, did you?” His mother just asked and Justin smiled gratefully at both of them for having come to the hospital and for being there.

Knowing that with both his mom and Debbie present there was no way of getting out of eating Emmett's breakfast, Justin gave in and dutifully made his way over to the bedside table and took a cream cheese bagel and some coffee.

“Happy?” He asked his friend and the two women he considered his moms, glad that they were there and he wasn't alone.

“It's a start,” Debbie said, before she settled in one of the chairs with a coffee of her own.

They all sat down and quiet conversation settled in the room as they all waited for the surgery to begin and for updates on how it was going.

It would be a long day, but at least they would be together.

Chapter 17

Before the surgery they had been warned that it could very well take between three to four hours to remove the tumour completely. Justin knew that and had been prepared for that, but now, after two hours had passed, the waiting was driving him crazy. And he was driving everyone around him crazy.

“Baby, try sitting down, please,” Emmett asked him for what felt like the millionth time and Justin just interrupted his pacing and threw a quick glare in his friend's direction.

“I can't just sit and wait,” he muttered angrily. How could they expect him to just sit, drink his coffee and wait? His partner was in a surgery that in itself could be life threatening and was a huge strain on his body and all that while he was pregnant. How was he supposed to just sit and wait as if everything was okay?

“Sunshine, we know this is not easy, but you need to calm down,” Debbie said reasonably looking at Justin from worried eyes. Right that moment Justin didn't want to think about who she was worried about. Him or Brian? It was most likely most definitely Brian. He was the one that needed their support right now, not himself.

“How do you expect me to calm down when Brian could be dead for all I know? God, why is no one telling us anything? Power of attorney my ass,” Justin fumed, angrily staring out of the window of Brian's room, looking out at the parking lot, cursing all the people he could see. Some of them were smiling. How could they be smiling? This was a fucking hospital and people died here all the time. And now Brian could be one of those. Nothing to smile about as far as he was concerned.

Justin shuddered when he felt arms close around his upper body and heard his mother's calm voice. “Honey, I know you're worried. We all are.”

Just as he was about to protest to that, because really, how could they be so calm if they insisted that they were as worried as he was, his mother spoke again in a deathly calm voice. “We are. So don't even think about saying what you were about to say.”

His eyes met hers and he knew she was serious. When their gazes met, he could see the worry in her eyes and he knew that Debbie was worried as well. Brian was like her son. Of course she would be worried. And Emmett was one of their closest friends and even despite his differences with Brian over the years, they had become close friends again. Emmett was supposed to be the godfather of their unborn child. Of course he was worried for his friend and his future godchild as well. Justin realised what an ass he had been and how his reaction had been totally out of line and just hung his head, not able to say anything.

“It's okay,” his mother said quietly, giving his shoulders a squeeze, thankfully not making a bigger deal out of the despicable reply he had been about to give her earlier than she had to. “Come, sit down for a moment. You'll be no good to Brian if you run yourself ragged with worry.”

She led him over to an empty chair and sat down with him, holding his hand in hers, giving it a squeeze. “I am sure everything is alright. If it weren't, they would have already told us. Not hearing anything is a good sign,” she said seriously, their eyes meeting and Justin wasn't quite sure what he saw in hers, but her look seemed faraway.

“I... I just need to know that he's okay,” he muttered helplessly, running his hand through his hair in obvious frustration.

“I know... I am sure they will let us know soon,” she tried to calm him, putting on a small smile for his comfort.

They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, Justin just being grateful for her being by his side and for the occasional squeeze she gave his hand, showing him that she was there.

It was Debbie that broke the silence. “I have never really noticed it before, but I guess you and Brian are more alike than I realised,” she said quietly, her voice sounding almost amused by her own statement.

Justin raised his eyes and saw the look that passed between Debbie, his mother and Emmett. He didn't quite understand what that look was about. “Why?” he just asked.

It was Emmett that spoke, his voice sounding sad and wistful. “Big Bad was just the same. Couldn't sit still, couldn't wait for an update when... you know...,” he stopped, not quite sure how to continue.

Justin had an idea what Emmett was refering to, but needed to be sure. “You mean when I was in surgery? After prom?”

It was his mother that nodded and her voice sounded sad when she spoke. “He was so worried about you. He was going crazy when we didn't have any update on how you were doing... if you were still alive...”

Justin took in what she had just said and wondered why this only came up now. People always avoided talking to him about what had happened at prom and afterwards. Most people tried to pretend that it hadn't happened and for a long time Brian had been the same until he had realised that Justin needed to talk about it. Justin had known how painful the memories had been for Brian, but he was sure that in the end it had helped them both to not just pretend that it hadn't happened. To this day he still wondered if things between them would have been different if they had been more honest with each other after the prom, but that was way in the past. It didn't matter anymore. They had moved on from that long ago. He wondered if them being in the hospital now brought those memories back to his mother, Debbie and Emmett and if that was why they mentioned his prom to him for pretty much the first time ever.

“You never told me about that,” Justin said quietly, eyeing his mother.

“It's not an easy time to talk about and...I wasn't exactly fair to Brian at the time,” Jennifer admitted honestly, holding Justin's gaze evenly as she spoke.

“You blamed him,” Justin stated sadly, rather than asked. He noticed the look that passed between Emmett and Debbie and knew that he had been spot on.

“It's not something I am proud of,” Jennifer mumbled, taking a deep breath. “But yeah, I did. At the time I thought that none of what had happened would have happened if he had just stayed away from you that night.”

“That Hobbs asshole took a bat to prom. Why would he bring a bat to prom if he hadn't planned to do something like that?” Debbie angrily explained and Justin could only agree with her.

“I think that was the first time that I realised that Brian might actually love you,” Emmett said quietly, thinking back to that night so many years ago when they had all been sitting in another hospital waiting room waiting for Justin to make it through surgery.

“Why?” Justin couldn't help but ask. He was fascinated hearing about what had happened that night. Even now he still had no recollection of what had happened and most people never mentioned the prom or what had happened to him afterwards. Brian did if pushed, but Justin had learned over the years that Brian also liked to pretend it had never happened. He knew that for the longest time Brian had blamed himself and he guessed that his mom blaming Brian as well had only intensified the guilt he had felt at the time. Which would explain why he had stayed away from Justin after what had happened.

Emmett shrugged. “Going to your prom... that was so unlike Brian. And then... just the way he was here at the hospital, worrying about you, going crazy not knowing if you were dead or alive... you don't worry like that if you don't care about someone and love them.”

“He had a funny way of showing it back then,” Justin couldn't help but mutter, surprised that the words had escaped his mouth before his brain had stopped them.

“He loved you, Sunshine. Even then. He just didn't know how to live with it,” Debbie said quietly.

Justin knew that Debbie was right. Back then Brian had been a different man. There had been so much emotional baggage, so many walls around his heart. He had been scared of loving someone and letting them into his heart. The Brian back then was completely different to the man he was with now. A man that openly loved him, their sons and their family. A man that had worked through his issues, had faced his demons, so he could be a better partner.

“He really loved you, I just couldn't see it,” Jennifer agreed and Justin could only frown at her. Even long after his prom his mother hadn't been happy with him being with Brian and the fact that Brian was with him had been a bone of contention between them for a long time after. “Maybe I didn't want to see it,” she admitted quietly.

“Mom?” Justin frowned, wondering about the unspoken sentiment behind her statement. There was more to it, he just didn't know what.

“You know I am not proud about how I reacted back then, but yes, I blamed him for what had happened and he knew that I blamed him. I hadn't said anything, but I think he could see it on my face every time he looked at me and... I think it's one of the reasons why he stopped coming to see you during visiting hours.”

“During visiting hours?” Justin raised an eyebrow, wondering why his mother had made a statement like that. He knew that Brian hadn't come and seen him in the hospital at all. He knew from Daphne that Brian had been there for the first three days when he had been in a coma, but once he had woken up and it was clear that he would survive, Brian had disappeared and from what he had heard from Michael and other people back then, had embarked on his normal routine of pain management after that.

“He has never told you, has he?” Jennifer asked in slight surprise, wondering if maybe she should have shut up minutes ago.

“Told me what?”

Knowing that she couldn't stop now and that Justin deserved to know the truth, she just went on. Brian might hate her for it, but she doubted it. It all had happened years ago, so long in the past and right now they had much bigger things to worry about than how he had behaved years ago when it had been Justin at the hospital.

“That he came to see you every night while you were in hospital,” she said quietly, not meeting Justin's or anyone's gaze.

“Wh-what?” Justin just stuttered, looking around the room helplessly. He saw Emmett's shocked eyes, but then realised that Debbie didn't nearly look as surprised as she should.

“You knew as well?” He asked her and was surprised when she shook her head.

“I didn't know. He never mentioned anything, but... I had my suspicions. Many nights he would come into the diner hours after Babylon had closed already, still in his clubbing clothes, being uncharacteristically quiet. And he never came from the direction of Babylon or the loft. He always came in from the direction of the hospital. He never confirmed anything, but I figured that he must have gone to see you after his usual methods of pain management hadn't worked.”

“Every night?” Justin just couldn't believe it. For years he had thought that Brian hadn't cared and now he found out that he had come to see him every night.

Jennifer nodded. “Every night, without fail.”

“How do you know?”

“You were barely 18. The nurses informed me that this older man came and stood outside your room night after night, inquiring about your well-being.”

“And you didn't stop him?” Justin was confused. His mother had admitted earlier that she had blamed Brian and he knew that once he had been out of the hospital, she had asked Brian to stay away from him. He wondered why she hadn't stopped him from visiting him at the hospital.

She shrugged. “I didn't see any harm in it. He wasn't talking or interacting with you in any way. He was just inquiring about how you were doing. And... at the time... you worked so hard to get out of the hospital and I knew that you were only working so hard because you wanted to see Brian. You didn't do it for yourself. You did it so you could get out of the hospital and could go and see Brian. If I had stopped him from seeing you, maybe he would have caused a situation, would have come to see you during normal visiting hours, would have stopped you working so hard. I... I know I did him so wrong back then. I couldn't see what is so obvious now. How much he loved you even then.”

Just as Justin was about to reply to that, the door to Brian's room was opened and a young doctor entered the room.

“Mr Taylor?”

“Yes,” Justin answered, getting up from his chair.

“I am Dr. Matthews, I am part of the medical team operating on your partner right now.”

“How is he doing? Is everything okay?”

“Our intent was to simply make an incision and go in and remove the tumour from the surrounding lung tissue. However, the tumour is more involved than we anticipated and unfortunately, cannot be removed quite so easily. What we are going to have to do is to remove the entire lower lobe of your partner’s right lung, and possibly a portion of the middle lobe as well,” the doctor explained to them while drawing a diagram for everyone to see.

“The lower lobe?” Justin asked, knowing that this was bad news. The tumour was more involved than anticipated? It couldn't be removed as easily as they had expected? Justin's worry immediately went through the roof. “What does that mean?”

“The biggest complication is a decreased lung capacity. Depending on the general state of Mr Kinney’s lungs and their ability to pick up the slack, he could experience no effects to profound ones,” the doctor explained.

“How profound?” Jennifer asked, knowing that everyone was thinking the same.

“Well, Mr Kinney will have to rely on some supplemental oxygen for a time following his surgery. It will take some time for his lungs to recover and adjust. If he hadn't been a smoker for years, I’d say he would make a full recovery in two to three months. But, because he may already have some lung damage, there is a chance that he will depend on the oxygen for the rest of his life,” the doctor said seriously.

“So will Brian be okay? I mean, will he still be able to do all the things he does now? Can he still play soccer, play with his sons?” Emmett wondered with genuine concern in his voice.

“I think it is a reasonable expectation that he will be able to play with his sons, although maybe not in long stretches. As for activities like soccer, many of those will be affected. He will become short of breath much sooner. He will have to avoid heavy smoking areas and smog may affect him as well. And physical exertions will tire him much more quickly. I think he will find it difficult at first, but with some physical therapy, he may be able to strengthen his lungs to a reasonable level. But, if he has to remain on oxygen, some activities will be drastically limited,” Dr. Matthews went on.

“Oh God,” Debbie just gasped, holding her hands to her heart.

“So, what happens now? Is the surgery over?” Justin asked, still not able to quite work through all that the doctor had just told them

“No, the surgery is far from over. As I said, we are going to have to remove the tumour and the entire lobe of the lung and it is quite extensive work. We will proceed as quickly as possible due to Mr Kinney’s weakened state due to his pregnancy and this additional strain on his already overtaxed system. I just wanted you all to know what was happening and to address your concerns before we proceeded any further. I’m afraid it will be another three hours or so before we are ready to close,” Dr. Matthews explained, before he stood up, ready to return to the surgery.

Once he had left, their earlier conversation about the time after Justin's prom was all but forgotten and everyone closed in around Justin, holding the younger man close.

“Are you okay, baby?” Emmett asked quietly, looking at Justin with obvious concern in his eyes.

“Yeah,” he said slowly, looking from one person to the next, glad for their support and glad to have them around. “Just worried about him.”

“We all are,” Debbie whispered, wiping away a tear that had run down his cheek. “If anyone can beat this, it will be Brian fucking Kinney, you hear me?”

Justin nodded, not able to hide the small smile that broke out on his face when Debbie had used the 'Brian fucking Kinney'.

After waiting a couple more hours, Justin looked around the room, looking at everyone and everything. He had never realised how boring this room was. He glanced at the clock and saw that the time the doctor had given them earlier for the duraction of the surgery was almost up. He looked around once more and saw Emmett trying to coax Debbie to drink a cup of hot coffee while his own mom sat staring at the clock.

Just then the door opened and Dr. Blaine, the chief surgeon appeared. He walked over and sat down in a chair opposite Justin. Everyone slowly made their way over to their part of the room to hear what the doctor had to say.

“Well, it’s over. Mr Kinney did well and I believe we were able to completely remove all of the tumour. We ended up removing the entire lower lobe of Mr Kinney’s right lung. Fortunately, his lung tissue looked fairly healthy considering his smoking habit. He will need to remain on supplemental oxygen for a time, though. He may eventually be able to go without it, but for the next few weeks or months, he will need it. His lungs are especially weak right now and we will keep him in the ICU for a day or two or so to monitor him closely. Do you have any questions for me right now?” The surgeon asked looking around at the family members surrounding him.

“When can we see him?” Debbie asked, relief clearly evident on her face.

“He is in recovery right now. As soon as he stabilizes he’ll be taken to the ICU. Mr Kinney is quite susceptible to any respiratory infections right now, so anyone with even a mild cold should stay away for a few days. An infection post-operatively could easily kill him. Therefore, I think it best to limit the visitors to only one or two until he is stronger and out of danger,” the doctor looked at all of them and everyone nodded.

Since no one had any other questions for the moment, he left them after that, telling them that he would be around for the rest of the day to monitor Brian's recovery and in case they had any questions.

Once he had left, everyone hugged each other and Justin cried tears of relief. At least Brian had made it through the surgery. At least the first obstacle was now behind them. He knew that the next couple of weeks and months wouldn't be easy, but at least Brian had taken the first step and had come out of the surgery in one piece.

Emmett excused himself, promising to let Ted, Daphne and Drew know about the outcome of the surgery. Justin was glad that Emmett had taken that task out of his hands, he wasn't sure he was up to calling anyone right now.

About thirty minutes later a nurse entered Brian's room.

“Mr Kinney is starting to come around from the anesthesia and is becoming a bit agitated,” she said to the assembled group. “We are having a hard time getting him stabilized. He seems a bit confused and is talking about the weather, calling out the word sunshine again and again.”

All eyes immediately turned to Justin, who took a deep breath before he replied. “He's... he's calling for me. It's my...,” he started to explain, but then decided that it was none of her business what Sunshine meant. “He is calling for me,” he just repeated and everyone else in the room nodded to agree with him.

The nurse nodded, apparently used to stranger things happening at the hospital. “Okay, that makes sense. If he's calling for you, maybe you could say a few words to him. It might help him calm down a bit. Are you okay with that?” she asked and Justin could only nod in reply.

He got up and quickly followed after her as she led him to a door marked Recovery Suite.

They entered the room and Justin was struck by the sterile atmosphere and smell of antiseptic. He followed the nurse to a gurney at the end of the room and immediately recognized the auburn peeking out from under a white sheet.

Brian was moaning softly and tossing his head back and forth while whispering Justin's nickname over and over. Justin quickly walked over to him and found one of Brian’s hands. He took the cold hand in his own and without thought raised it to his lips and placed a kiss on it. He leaned down close to Brian's head and brushed the hair from his forehead before whispering just loud enough for Brian to hear him.

“Hey Brian, I am here. Can you hear me?” Justin asked quietly, still holding on to Brian's hand in his.

Hazel eyes slowly opened and Justin had to choke back a sob as a tear escaped from his worried blue eyes.

Brian attempted a slight smile as he answered. “Yes. Am I o..ok? I’m s...s...s...so c...cold.” he managed to get out as his teeth chattered and his body shivered.

Justin looked at the nurse, a question in his eyes. She nodded before answering the question in his worried blue eyes. “It’s the anesthesia wearing off. A side effect. His body temperature is normal. I’ll get a warm blanket for him anyway,” she said as she crossed the room to a large silver cabinet and withdrew a large, white blanket. She unfolded it and laid it over Brian's trembling form.

“Yeah, Brian. You are ok. No worries. The nurse says the chills are from the anesthesia beginning to wear off,” Justin reassured his partner as he stroked the skin along the back of Brian’s hand.

“It's… o...over, then? I...I m...made it?” Brian questioned as his teeth continued to chatter, despite the warm blanket on him.

Justin tried not to cry, but he felt so relieved he just couldn't help the sob that escaped him. “Yeah, Brian. It’s over. The surgery is done and you are going to be fine. I’m so proud of you. You were so brave and strong and you did it. You made it through with flying colors.”

Brian's eyes fluttered closed and he sighed at Justin’s words. “I...I hurt, Sunshine. Fucking hurts.”

Justin looked beseechingly at the nurse who nodded and gathered a syringe and vial. “Hang on, Brian. The nurse is going to give you something to help ok? Just hang on.”

“S...sun...shine? I...I’m so tired,” Brian barely had his eyes open and his words were becoming more slurred as the medicine took effect.

“I know. Go ahead and sleep. You did so good. I’m here now. Don't worry. Just rest, Brian,” Justin whispered in Brian's ear.

“S...sunshine….. I… I… love… you,” Brian barely managed to get the words out before he drifted off into what Justin hoped was a peaceful sleep.

Tears fell freely now from Justin’s eyes and he placed his lips lightly against Brian’s temple and whispered back to him, “I love you, too, Brian. I love you, too.”

Then he hastily wiped away the tears as the nurse returned to Brian’s side and checked his monitor. She turned and looked at Justin. “That seems to have done the trick. Thank you.”

After twenty minutes of monitoring and stable vital signs, the nurses wheeled Brian out of the Recovery Suite and to the ICU. Meanwhile, Justin went back to Brian's private room where everyone else was still waiting for news.

As soon as Justin appeared in the doorway, Debbie slowly walked towards him and looked to him with pleading eyes.

“Is… Is Brian really ok?” Debbie asked as she wiped her eyes.

Justin looked at the woman that had become like a second mother to him. He took her hand and offered his best sunshine smile.

“Deb, he is doing well. Better than expected. He’s weak and tired, but he looked at me and spoke with me. He knew who I was and understood everything that was said. He is going to be fine,” Justin said and was rewarded with a hug by the matriarch of their little family.

Shortly after, Emmett and Debbie headed off. Emmett had promised to get the boys from school and watch them for the rest of the day and Debbie had decided to spontaneously join him. She needed her grandsons around to cheer her up a bit and Justin knew that Gus and Luke would also love having their grandma there. They loved Debbie and he hoped that they would be okay with both Emmett and Debbie there.

“I'll try to make it home later, but... if not... in any case I'll call, okay?” Justin said quietly as he said goodbye to Emmett.

“Don't worry about them, baby. Debbie and I will take good care of them,” the tall queen promised and Justin had no doubt that if there was anyone who could take the boys' minds off what was going on, it would be Emmett and Debbie.

“Just tell them that Brian is doing alright and I'll call later, okay?”

Emmett nodded and after another round of hugs, he and Debbie left.

Jennifer left shortly after as well, but not before hugging Justin once more, telling him to call her no matter what time of the day or night in case he needed her.

He thanked her for being there all day at the hospital with him and for her support and then settled down in the room, waiting to be allowed to see Brian again in ICU.

After waiting for another ten minutes, he followed the same nurse as she led him to the ICU to be at Brian's side again.

He watched as one of the male OR team aides pushed the warmed blanket down to the foot of the gurney that Brian was lying on and grabbed a hold of the sheet under Brian. On the count of three, the aide and two nurses lifted Brian from the gurney and gently placed him in the bed. He was turned onto his left side and a pillow propped behind him to keep him from rolling onto his back. The aide then pushed the gurney outside of Brian’s door, next to where Justin was waiting.

Justin watched as the nurse lifted the gown from Brian’s chest and checked a tube sticking out from between his ribs. She then adjusted the mask covering Brian’s face and providing him with much needed oxygen. When she was satisfied that Brian was stable and comfortable, she smiled at Justin and motioned for him to enter.

Justin sat on the stool next to the bed and took Brian’s hand again. It felt warmer than before for which Justin was glad. As if sensing his presence, Brian opened his eyes and searched for Justin's.

“Sun...shine?” his voice was weak.

“I’m here, Brian. Right here,” Justin assured as he stroked the back of his hand across Brian’s forehead.

“I...I’m so c...cold, Sunshine. P...People get c...c...cold right b...before they die. I...I don’t want to die,” Brian stuttered out as his quivering chin and chattering teeth became more pronounced.

Justin felt the tears prick behind his eyes at the fear in Brian’s voice. “Brian, listen to me. You aren’t going to die. I won’t let that happen. You hear me?”

Turning to the nurse, Justin just asked in a fearful voice. “Is it normal that he's still cold?”

“It's a side effect and with some patients it takes a bit longer for the coldness to wear off. Let me get that blanket back for him.”

Justin nodded thankfully as he watched the nurse head outside to the gurney and get the blanket that was covering Brian before. She once again unfolded it and laid it over Brian's shivering body.

“You should be warm soon,” Justin whispered, leaning down to leave a small kiss on Brian's forehead

“Ok...ay,” was all Brian replied, before his eyes closed once more and he sank back into sleep.

Justin watched him for a long time, gently running his hand through Brian's hair, before he felt his own tiredness catch up with him and he sank down into a restless sleep himself in the chair at the side of Brian's bed.

Chapter 18

Justin awoke to the sound of a loud beeping alarm. His eyes frantically scanned the various monitors as he began to panic. A nurse appeared almost instantly.

“What? What is it? What’s wrong? Is he ok?” The questions poured from Justin as he grabbed Brian’s hand.

“Easy, Justin. Everything is fine. Mr Kinney is fine. The IV solution bag is empty is all. Relax,” she soothed as she replaced the empty bag with a full one. Justin breathed a sigh of relief and settled back in the chair next to the bed. Thank God for Brian's new nurse, Jackie, who had pitied his poor ass and had brought him a more comfortable chair from the nurses’ lounge earlier on.

Justin watched as Jackie made some adjustments on the monitor. She looked at him and offered a small smile. “You know, you can go home and rest. I will call if anything changes. He’s in good hands with me, you know?”

“Yeah, I know. It’s just that I want to be here when he wakes up,” he explained hoping she wasn’t insulted.

“Alright then. I’ll be at the desk if you need me. And try not to worry- he is doing well. He’s stable and should actually be waking soon,” she said as she left the room.

***

He couldn’t breathe. There was a painful burning on his right side with every intake of breath. He tried to open his mouth to speak, but his throat was dry and his mouth felt like it had been stuffed with cotton. He struggled to open his eyes, but they felt glued shut. What the fuck was happening? Where was he? Wasn’t there anyone around to help him? He tried to move his arm, but it felt like a dead weight was holding it down. He struggled against the pull of dark heaviness, but couldn’t quite break through the surface. With a sigh he succumbed to the darkness and silence once again……

Voices. He could hear muffled voices somewhere and he tried to focus and understand the words.

Coming around. Still very weak. Probably the painkillers. Brian. Brian.

Jesus! His head was throbbing and his whole body felt like it had been trampled by a herd of elephants. Why did he hurt? What the fuck had happened? Who was calling his name?

Brian? Can you hear me? Come on, Brian. Open your eyes, honey. Brian?

It was a woman’s voice, but one he didn’t recognize. Why was she calling him honey? He tried to speak, but his mouth was so dry and his throat felt like he had swallowed a box of needles- a large box. He turned his head towards the voice hoping that whoever was there would help him. He felt a hand under his shoulder as his body was gently lifted, and then cool water touched his lips and he drank greedily.

“Easy, love. Not too much. God love ya, you’re as weak as new born puppy,” the woman said as she gently laid him back. “Can you wake up now? I hear from your partner here that you have some really nice hazel eyes. Open them up and let me see. C’mon, Brian. Wake up, honey.”

Brian tried again to force his eyelids to open. Slowly he could see light as it sliced through the darkness. The images were blurry at first, but soon started coming into focus more and more and he could see the figure of a woman standing over him. And then another voice, a familiar one, interrupted the quiet of the room.

“Brian, it's me. I am here. It's alright. You're okay.”

Justin. It was Justin's voice and Justin was speaking to him.

“S...s...unshine?” he managed to get out but his voice was so scratchy and barely above a whisper he wasn’t sure the word even got heard.

“I’m here, Brian.”

Brian turned his head towards the voice and suddenly Justin's smiling face was indeed the first thing he saw and that was the only thing that made sense in this whole situation.

“Hey, how are you feeling?” Justin asked as Brian continued to struggle to come back to the present from a very deep dreamlike state.

“Ungh. Like I’ve been run over by a truck,” Brian managed but as he came more and more into consciousness, the pain intensified and he shuddered from it.

“Brian, my name is Jackie. I’m your nurse for the next few hours, hon. Are you feeling pain right now?” her voice carried a slight accent that Brian couldn't quite place.

Wincing as the burn in his chest spread around to his back, Brian nodded.

“On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst pain, what would you say you’re feeling?” she asked him.

“Twenty-two,” he answered as another sharp pain stabbed him and took his very breath.

“Ok, love. Hang on for a few seconds and ol’ Jackie here will make it all better for ya,” she replied.

Brian closed his eyes and tried not to move as he concentrated on breathing. A cool hand on his forehead tempted him though and he opened his eyes to meet shining blue ones.

“Easy Brian,” Justin whispered to him as he smoothed his fingers across Brian’s furrowed brow.

Brian attempted a smirk, but it quickly became a grimace and he reached for something to squeeze. Justin’s hand quickly grasped his and Brian bore down as the pain caused tiny beads of sweat to appear on his forehead. He heard Jackie shuffle into the room and then a welcome numbness filled his body as he drifted back into the darkness.

***

Once Jackie had assured him that Brian would be sleeping for the rest of the night, Justin had made his way home to spend some time with the boys. As much as he had wanted to stay with Brian at the hospital and be at his side, he knew that realistically speaking there was nothing that he could do for Brian as long as he was in ICU and taken care of by the nurses and doctors there. Especially as he was still so weak and sleeping a lot.

Knowing that his sons would need to see him and would need him more at home than Brian needed him at the hospital, Justin had made the hard decision to leave Brian in Jackie's care for the remainder of the night and to return home.

Jackie had promised to call him as soon as Brian's condition changed or as soon as he woke up again, but deep down Justin knew that she wouldn't call him unless something was seriously wrong.

She had urged him several times to go home and once she had found out that he and Brian had two sons at home, she had been even more adamant that there was nothing that he could do for Brian and that he would be better off spending some time with his sons.

As soon as he entered Britin, he was engulfed in crushing hugs by his two sons, who seemed to have been waiting right next to the door as soon as they had heard his car coming up.

“Papa!” Luke exclaimed as he nearly jumped into Justin's open arms, engulfing him in a tight hug.

“Papa, I am glad you're home,” Gus welcomed him in a slightly calmer manner, but hugging him as well.

“How is Dad?” The older boy immediately asked, not able to hide the worried look on his face.

Luke immediately joined with his own questions. “Is Daddy okay? Has he woken up?”

Justin ruffled Gus' hair and let down Luke, before getting out of his jacket. “Let's head into the kitchen, okay? I can really do with a tea. And then I'll tell you all you want to know, okay?”

Both boys nodded, never leaving Justin's side as they all made their way into the kitchen where Emmett had already put on the kettle.

Justin threw his friend a grateful smile as he settled at their kitchen table, Luke and Gus still at his side. He urged them to sit down as well and once everyone was settled, he started updating them on Brian's condition.

“Your Daddy is okay. He has woken up after the surgery and we talked earlier, but he's still very tired and in a lot of pain. The surgery went well though and the doctors say that they were able to remove the whole tumour and all of the sick cells. Your Daddy did really well today.”

Justin saw how Gus' shoulders sank in relief and he also saw how Luke seemed like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.

“Can we give Daddy a call and speak to him?” Luke asked and it was obvious in his blue eyes that were so much like Justin's, how much he still worried and missed his father.

“Your Daddy was asleep when I left the hospital and the doctors think that he will sleep for the rest of the night. It was a very long surgery and it made him very, very tired. Not tonight, honey. I am sorry.”

Luke hung his head and when Justin saw his son's sadness, he opened his arms and urged for Luke to come over. The younger boy quickly came over and settled into his father's lap. Justin looked at Gus and offered for him to come over, but Gus shook his head slowly, just eyeing Justin from worried eyes.

“Can we see Dad tomorrow?” The older boy asked and Justin could hear all his pain in that one question.

“I don't know, honey. Your Dad is still in ICU and he is not allowed that many visitors right now. ICU is not a place for small children like you and Luke. He might get transferred back to his own room tomorrow if everything goes well. If that's the case, you can come by tomorrow after school, okay?”

“And if not?” Gus asked, sounding sad, but resigned to what Justin had said.

“I am sure your Dad will be much more awake tomorrow than he was today. He would love to see you and Luke, Gus. If he's still in ICU, I am sure he would love to at least speak to you and I'll try to at least arrange a call, okay?”

“Okay,” Gus agreed grudgingly and Justin felt for the boy. He knew how hard this was for Gus, who had already lost both his mothers and now stood to maybe lose his father as well. All he could try to do was be there for him and offer him an open ear.

“How about you two come to the master bedroom tonight? The big bed is always so empty without your Daddy here. We can watch a movie together and just hang out together, if you want,” Justin offered, knowing that he wouldn't be able to get a wink of sleep without Brian there with him any other way.

Gus nodded and Luke seemed rather excited at the idea of sleeping in the master bedroom and both boys rushed off when Justin urged them to get cleaned up and changed and told them he would be with them in a short while.

When Emmett came over with his cup of tea, Justin took it from him gratefully. “Thanks.”

“Don't mention it, baby. So, how is Brian?”

“In a lot of pain,” Justin said sadly, his eyes filling with tears. “God, I've never seen him in that much pain. Not even when... you know, after his first surgery. He... he was so tired and hardly able to keep his eyes open. He seemed so weak. So...not like Brian, you know?”

Emmett just nodded and took his friend into a hug. “I am sure he will be a lot better by tomorrow. Today has been hard on him. I am sure he'll do much better after a night of rest.”

“I hope so. I... I can't see him in pain. It's like just seeing his pained eyes made me hurt as well.”

“That's called being in love. You feel all the pain your loved one feels. It's part of the deal,” Emmett said quietly in a wistful voice.

“I am not sure I can do this, Emmett. I... How am I supposed to be there for Brian and the boys when it's breaking my heart every time I look at one of them? Every time I see Brian and the pain he is in, I just want to make it go away and want to make sure he's okay in a place somewhere safe and then I come home and I look at Gus and Luke and I see the pain they are in and... I just want to take it all away from them. They don't deserve this...,” Justin was now crying openly and Emmett only held his friend closer.

“You just hold on until you make it through and hope for the best. It's all you can do right now, honey. And don't worry. We'll all be here to help you. Look,” Emmett said as he took Justin and led him over to the fridge and opened it. “Debbie's way of pain management and keeping the boys busy,” he said as he pointed at a fridge that was filled to the brim with tupperware boxes filled with Lasagna, different pasta dishes and some other casserole dishes.

“Where is she?” Justin asked, only realising now that the redhead was nowhere to be seen.

“She went home to Pittsburgh about an hour ago. Something about needing Carl around tonight,” Emmett said quietly.

“Is she okay?” Justin immediately worried, knowing how hard this all was on Debbie, who considered Brian to be her son. After she had lost Michael, she now stood to lose Brian as well.

“She'll be fine. Carl will make sure of it. And I promised to drop by her place with an update before I went home tonight.”

“I can give her a call,” Justin immediately offered, but was stopped by Emmett right away.

“You've got those two boys to take care of. Your plate is already full enough. Don't worry about anything else, baby, okay? Let me and everyone else take care of the rest.”

Knowing that Emmett was right and that he was in no position to take care of everyone on his own, he knew that he would have to let the others help him. Otherwise he would end up right next to Brian at the hospital due to exhaustion and where would that leave Gus and Luke?

Turning back to the fridge, Justin couldn't help but smile. “Does she want to feed an army?”

“Just you and the boys... You know how she is. Cooking calms her down and to be fair, it distracted Gus and Luke as well. Helping her cook was good for them,” Emmett said quietly.

Knowing that Emmett was right, Justin just nodded.

“And she forced me to tell you that you better eat what she has left in the oven or she will personally come back to kick your ass, no matter how delicious that might be. Her words, not mine.”

Justin couldn't help but laugh and had to admit that laughing felt good. It felt good to just forget about tumours, cancer, surgeries and everything going on in his life right now, if only for a few moments.

“I will, don't worry. I'll get some dinner before I head upstairs,” Justin promised, intending on actually going through with his promise. Surprisingly, after having been at the hospital all day, he felt quite hungry, if he was honest.

“Good,” Emmett said, giving Justin another hug. “Do you need anything else tonight, baby?”

“No, thanks, Emmett. We'll be fine. I can't thank you enough for taking care of the boys and everything...”

“Don't mention it. You know you can call me at any time, okay?”

Justin nodded, before he followed Emmett towards the hallway, watching as he put on his jacket.

“Blake will come by tomorrow to pick up the boys from school. Just give him a call concerning Brian's condition, okay? He can take the boys to the hospital or he's also prepared to take them home and spend some time with them here. Teddy also said that he and Blake have no plans tomorrow night, so they can stay all night, if you need them to. Just text them or give them a call.”

Justin nodded, grateful that his friends had already organised a schedule between them and that there was nothing much left for him to organise. “I really can't thank you all enough for your help.”

“Don't mention it. It's what family does. You call me if you need me, okay? And give big bad my best tomorrow.”

Justin allowed Emmett to kiss his cheek in goodbye, then watched as his friend left and headed home to Pittsburgh. Not for the first time he felt glad for the love and support they got from their family and friends.

***

Two days after the surgery, Brian was released from ICU and taken back to his own private room and finally the boys were allowed to come and see their daddy at the hospital.

The night before, as promised by Justin, the boys had had a short call with Brian, but Brian had still been very tired and in some pain, so they had kept the call short. Justin had known however that this call hadn't only been important to the boys, but had been just as important to Brian. During the call with the boys, Brian had sounded more alert and awake than he had all day and he had also sounded less in pain.

Justin couldn't help but wonder if it had just been a show that Brian had put on for the boys' sake or if it had been the fact that talking to his sons had helped Brian's condition improve.

At the end of the day it hadn't mattered, all that had mattered had been the fact that Brian and the boys had been able to speak, if only shortly and that the next day after school the boys had finally been allowed to see their daddy.

Both Gus and Luke had been incredibly quiet on entering Brian's room and had very carefully made their way over to Brian's bed.

It had been obvious to everyone who had been there, Brian, Justin and Blake who had been kind enough to drive the boys once more, that both boys had been intimidated by all the machines surrounding Brian's bed and by all the tubes and the oxygen mask over his face.

They had stopped a short distance away from the bed, as if afraid to touch anything or Brian. It was obvious that they were scared of disrupting any of the many machines beeping constantly around the room.

“Hey,” Brian had smiled at them from under his oxygen mask, his face lighting up when he saw his sons.

“Hey, Dad,” Gus said quietly, a small smile on his face as well.

“Hey,” Luke said timidly and it was quite obvious that he was intimidated by the setup of the room and by seeing Brian with all the tubes, infusions and the oxygen mask.

While Gus slowly made his way over to one of the empty chairs at the side of Brian's bed and started speaking quietly with his father, Luke stayed where he was, just watching everything from big, wide eyes.

Justin made his way over and put a gentle hand on Luke's shoulder, trying to give his son some comfort and strength that way. “Why don't you come and sit with me, huh?”

Luke nodded and seemed relieved when Justin picked him up and carried him over to his chair. Normally, Luke would have been too big to be carried around like that and he would have complained himself about being carried around like a baby, but now he just allowed Justin to carry him back to his chair, still taking in everything in the room.

Blake allowed the family some privacy and told them that he would be down at the cafeteria, getting some coffee.

Brian threw worried glances at Justin every once in a while as he was speaking with Gus and Justin knew that he was worried about Luke's reaction. So far Luke hadn't said anything beyond his earlier “hey” which was very unlike Luke.

Justin met Brian's gaze and indicated that he should keep talking with Gus and that he would take care of Luke.

“Are you alright, honey?” Justin asked quietly, not wanting to disrupt Brian's and Gus' conversation.

Luke just nodded, but didn't say anything.

“Why don't you tell Daddy about your science test today?” Justin asked, hoping that he could get Luke to say something that way. Luke had been studying very hard and had proudly shown off his knowledge on recycling to Justin the night before.

Luke just shook his head, but still didn't say anything, clearly overwhelmed by his surroundings.

Knowing better than to pressure him, Justin just hugged him close, running a hand through Luke's hair. “Alright.”

He listened in as Brian and Gus talked and he was glad that Brian was finally fully awake again and able to actually have a conversation. The day before he had still tired easily and had fallen asleep almost every hour. Today had been the first day where he had been able to stay up for longer periods of time.

The chief surgeon had been by earlier and had told them that he was very happy with Brian's recovery so far and that Brian was doing very well. He informed them that if everything continued to go as well as it did now, they would be able to have the c-section to get the baby before the end of the year, so that they could start with the chemotherapy treatments right at the beginning of the new year. Brian would be around his 25th, 26th week at the time and the doctors were optimistic that the baby would be fine if they got it then.

All that mattered to Justin was that Brian wasn't in pain anymore. He had been in some slight pain still the day before, but when he had woken up today, he had told Justin that most of the pain had passed and he wasn't in any real pain any longer. Justin had felt really relieved about that.

“When will you come home, Dad?” Justin heard Gus ask and couldn't help but smile gently at the boy. It was so obvious how much he missed his father.

“If everything goes well, probably in about a week,” Brian said quietly, his voice sounding slightly distorted due to the oxygen mask he was wearing.

“And we can come and visit you every day until then?”

“Yes, of course. Now that your Dad is back in his normal room, you and Luke can come by after school and on the weekend,” Justin promised.

“That is good,” Gus said with a small smile, looking at his dad happily. “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too,” Brian said, a small smile visible under his oxygen mask. “All of you,” he said as he looked at Luke and Justin as well.

Justin met Brian's gaze and nodded. He missed Brian as well. And not just in a sexual way as some might assume. He just missed having Brian around, just missed talking to him, just missed seeing him with their children, just missed having him at home.

“And the baby?” Gus asked, by now carrying the conversation as Luke had still to say a word.

“The baby is fine,” Brian answered as his hand wandered down to his belly and unconsciously settled on it. “Your brother or sister is very strong and made it through the surgery just fine.”

“That is good,” Gus said, his hand joining his fathers and gently rubbing his belly as well.

They stayed for another thirty minutes, before Blake returned. He talked to Brian for a couple of minutes as well, assuring him that Ted hadn't burned Kinnetik to the ground yet and didn't seem more stressed or panicked than he usually did, assuring Brian that Ted and Cynthia had everything under control at Kinnetik.

When it was time to say goodbye, Blake taking the boys home, so they could start on their homework and dinner, Justin promising to join them for their bedtime, Gus carefully leaned in and left a kiss on Brian's cheek.

“See you tomorrow, Dad,” he whispered and Brian ran a hand through his hair, smiling at him as he replied. “Yeah, see you tomorrow.”

“Come on, say goodbye to Daddy,” Justin urged gently, as he let Luke down from his lap, watching as the small boy looked around with wide, scared eyes.

“Bye, Daddy,” he said timidly, not stepping any closer.

Brian smiled at Luke, holding out his hand carefully. “Come here, sonny boy.”

Luke just shook his head, staying where he was.

“It's alright, Luke. It's just me.”

When Luke still didn't move, Justin could see the pain in Brian's eyes. He felt for Brian, but also knew better than to push Luke into something he wasn't ready for.

“Don't you want to give Daddy a kiss goodbye?”

When Luke turned to him and looked at him from tear filled eyes, Justin's heart broke. “I don't want to hurt him,” he said in a very small voice that only made Justin want to hug him closer.

“You won't sonny boy,” Brian whispered, his voice emotional as he spoke. Justin knew that Brian felt Luke's pain as well.

“How about I show you how I kiss your daddy goodbye without hurting him and then you copy me?” Justin suggested, hoping that Luke would be okay once he saw that neither Gus nor Justin had hurt Brian when kissing him goodbye.

Luke shrugged, but didn't say no.

Justin carefully moved over to the side of Brian's bed, standing close to the head of the bed. “I usually just stand here and then you can lean over and give Daddy a kiss goodbye without touching any of the machines or tubes or anything,” he demonstrated, just like Gus had done before.

Luke watched and when he saw that Brian didn't seem to be any worse off after Gus and Justin had kissed him goodbye, he slowly, very carefully made his way over to Justin's side. He stopped next to Justin and when Justin moved aside to make space for Luke, he looked at his father from fearful eyes.

“It'll be alright, sonny boy,” Brian encouraged, a gentle smile on his face as he watched Luke come closer and lean in carefully.

Luke gently left a kiss on Brian's cheek, then immediately pulled back with fearful eyes. “Did it hurt, Daddy?”

Brian shook his head slowly, his smile still in place. “Not at all. Quite on the contrary. Your kiss helped make me feel better.”

“Really, Daddy?”

“Really,” Brian nodded, trying to sound as positive as he could.

Luke leaned closer again, whispering in Brian's ear as he pointed at all the machines surrounding the bed. “Do they hurt you, Daddy?”

Knowing that Luke was only worried about him, Brian put on his best smile and shook his head. “No, they don't. They make sure that I am doing better and okay, but they don't hurt me.”

“That is good. They look scary,” Luke said quietly, looking at Brian from his big eyes.

“I know. They scared me at first, too, but then the doctor explained that they were here to make me feel better and once I started feeling better and realised that he was right, I wasn't scared anymore,” Brian told him seriously.

“You were scared as well?” Luke asked from wide eyes, suddenly having forgotten that he hadn't said a word at all during their visit, seemingly having gotten over that quietness and ready to talk now.

“Yes, I was. But don't tell your Papa or he will make fun of me for being scared,” Brian winked which made Justin roll his eyes.

“I won't. It can be our secret,” Luke suggested.

“That sounds good. How about tomorrow, when you come back, I explain about the machines to you like the doctor did to me, so you'll know what each of them does and what it's good for. That way we can both get over being scared of them,” Brian said, looking at Luke from conspiratorial eyes.

“Okay, Daddy,” Luke smiled, before leaning in once more, leaving another kiss on Brian's cheek. “To make you feel better, Daddy!”

“Thanks, sonny boy. See you tomorrow,” Brian said happily before Gus and Luke left with Blake.

Justin watched after his sons with a smile as they left with Blake, before he turned back to Brian, smiling at his partner gently. “Well done.”

“Well done what?”

“You took away his fear and made him feel better about all these machines. Poor guy seemed so intimidated.”

“It's the least I could do,” Brian said quietly, not saying anything more. And he didn't have to. Justin still heard the unspoken words in Brian's statement. 'After all I am putting you and the boys through.'

Not ready to have this conversation again, cutting Brian some slack seeing how he had just made it through a big surgery two days ago and had just been visited by their sons for the first time, Justin decided to let it slip, not ready to remind Brian again that this wasn't his fault and he hadn't asked for any of this.

He knew that Brian didn't do well with guilt and it wouldn't do to have that conversation now.

Instead Justin sat down by Brian's side again and leaned in, leaving tender kisses all over Brian's cheek, his forehead and every part of his face he could reach around the oxygen mask.

“What are you doing?” Brian asked in slight amusement.

“I heard someone say that kisses made him feel better, so here I am, helping to make you feel better,” Justin smiled, before kissing Brian some more, who chuckled in amusement and allowed Justin to kiss him some more.

Chapter 19

As mentioned by their doctor before, Brian had been able to return home after staying in the hospital for a week. His body had recovered from the surgery as well as was possible and the wound was healing well.

Brian had still been very weak and was forced to wear an oxygen mask at all times, his body still getting used to his decreased lung capacity which had led to him tiring a lot faster than he had before the surgery, but they had been told that much by their doctors and had known to expect that.

They had also been warned that Brian had to be careful when being around other people as his body was still recovering and his immune system might not be what it had been before the surgery. As the C-section was only planned for a week later, right after Christmas, they had warned him to stay away from any people with sicknesses, even if it might just be a light cough.

Not wanting to risk anything, Justin had decided that this year they wouldn't have a big Christmas celebration like they normally had, but would just spend Christmas alone together as a family. Everyone in their family had understood and had accepted Justin's decision and the family had gotten ready for a much quieter, less stressful Christmas.

Sadly Brian having to stay clear of people with sicknesses also meant that he couldn't attend Luke's Christmas play at school and would miss his son in his role as an angel. Luke had been very sad about that, but had understood when his Daddy and Papa had explained to him that this was to keep Brian healthy and to make sure that the baby could be born healthily.

He hadn't been happy, but had understood what his parents had been saying and he had been elated when his Papa had surprised him by recording his part in the play and when they had shown it back at home to his Daddy later that night.

Brian had been impressed by Luke's performance and had dutifully praised his son which had made Luke very happy and had made him forget about his earlier sadness when his father had missed the play.

Justin knew that Brian had hated missing the play and not seeing Luke in his role, but unlike Luke, Brian was an adult and knew that there was no way he could have joined. Even if it hadn't been for the risk of getting sick, it would have been very doubtful that Brian would have made it from the car park to the auditorium and back. Not even speaking about how much explaining would have been needed to calm down all the other children and explain to them why Brian was suddenly wearing an oxygen mask.

Knowing how much Brian had hated not seeing Luke, Justin had asked the teacher before if it was okay to record Luke's part for his father at home and thankfully the teacher had agreed. Seeing the proud expression on Brian's face and the happy expression on Luke's, Justin knew that he had done the right thing.

When Christmas came around, Justin and the boys prepared their normal Christmas dinner and decorated the house and the tree and on Christmas morning the whole family met around the tree to unwrap their presents.

Later that day Jennifer came by for a short visit, wanting to see her son and his family on Christmas and she then took the boys to Pittsburgh with her, so they could attend the big family shindig that this year took place at Debbie's house instead of Britin.

They had all agreed that Luke and Gus shouldn't miss out on their traditional Christmas family celebration and the boys had only been too happy to spend some time with their uncles and grandparents.

Brian and Justin had been sad to miss the Christmas celebration at Debbie's, probably more sad than many people would have assumed, knowing those two, especially Brian, but at the end of the day, it had given them some private time alone.

The last two weeks with Brian's diagnosis and his surgery and recovery afterwards had been hectic beyond belief and both men were happy about this short break.

They had used the time that Gus and Luke had been in Pittsburgh with their family to just get some rest. They had cuddled together in their bedroom and had just enjoyed being close together. There had been nothing sexual about that, seeing how Brian was still way too weak for anything sexual and how sex was probably the last thing on their minds right now, but just being together, lying in each other's arms and enjoying some quiet downtime had done them the world of good.

All in all it had been a very quiet, very small Christmas, but a Christmas that they had still enjoyed.

On the 28th, Brian had been readmitted to the hospital, the doctor's deeming him strong enough for his C-section.

Justin still had his doubts about Brian being strong enough, seeing how he could hardly make it from their bedroom down the stairs to the living-room and back up on his own without help and how he still took several naps a day and slept way more than he normally would, but he understood that time was not on their side and that the sooner the baby was born, the sooner they could start the chemotherapy treatments.

It had been a teary goodbye when Brian had gone back to the hospital, the boys staying home with their grandmother Jennifer, but the prospect of having a new brother or sister soon had cheered them up.

Everyone just hoped that everything would go well and that Brian and the baby would be fine after the c-section.

As this wasn't Brian's first c-section, he knew what to expect and was quite familiar with what was about to happen, but seeing how Justin had missed Luke's birth, he had been overwhelmed by everything going on.

He had been allowed into the operating room with Brian and had stayed at Brian's side the whole time, taking everything in with big eyes. This was his baby being born and for the first time, he would actually be present for that magical event. He would be present and would be able to see his baby being born.

Unlike with his first c-section, Brian hadn't been given a local anaesthesia, but had been put under completely. With his reduced lung capacity and him still recovering from his surgery two weeks before, the doctor's had decided that this would be safer and less stress on his already recovering body.

Brian hadn't been happy, but knowing that there wasn't much he could do about it and knowing that it was more important for Justin to be present and to see the birth of their child, he had finally given in, after much less fight than both the doctor and Justin had expected.

Justin knew that Brian hated not being awake for the birth of their child and he knew that Brian's guilt was on override because he was blaming himself for not giving Justin the perfect birth he thought that Justin deserved, but Justin couldn't have cared less.

Yes, of course he would have prefered another scenario, a scenario where he and Brian would both be present and awake to see their baby born, but in that scenario the baby would also have been born weeks from now and not at 26 weeks as it was happening now.

Justin had accepted weeks ago when they had found out that Brian was sick that he wouldn't get his fairytale pregnancy and birth and while it had made him sad, he had quickly realised that all he cared about was Brian and their baby being fine. Who cared about what the birth was like? All he cared about was Brian and his baby surviving this ordeal they were now going through. Fuck a perfect pregnancy and birth! None of that mattered anymore. Not now that the stakes had changed so dramatically and Brian's life and their baby's life was in the balance. At the same time as Justin's focus had shifted and he had accepted that he wouldn't get the fairytale Brian had hoped for for himself and Justin, Brian only seemed to blame himself more and more for everything going on.

They had talked for a long time the night before the c-section and while Justin had tried to calm down Brian's guilt and while Justin had tried to point out again and again that none of this was Brian's fault and that Brian hadn't asked to get sick while being pregnant with their child, he also knew that Brian probably hadn't heard a word of what he had said. Yes, he had listened, but Justin knew that not much of what he had said had actually gotten through to Brian.

As much as he wished things were different, he knew that there was just too much going on at the moment to worry about that as well. Yes, Brian's state of mind worried him and it was definitely something that they would need to talk about, but it would have to wait until after the baby was born. Time just wasn't on their side at the moment and with the c-section coming up that fast and them not being able to delay it any longer, Justin knew that for the moment their focus needed to be on Brian's physical condition and on their baby.

While Brian was out and being prepared for the c-section, Justin took everything in and wondered if maybe it wasn't for the best that Brian had been given a full anaesthesia. At least that way Brian wouldn't blame himself during the whole c-section and Justin wouldn't have to look at the guilt in his partner's eyes as their baby was born.

The moment that thought ran through his mind, he immediately cursed himself and looked sadly at Brian's still form. How could he even entertain a thought like that? This was his partner and their child. Their child was about to be born and Brian would miss that moment,a moment they had both been looking forward to sharing together and all because of the fucking cancer that had invaded his body.

It wasn't fair and not for the first time Justin wondered why that cancer had to show up now. Not that he would have ever wished for Brian to be diagnosed with cancer again, but couldn't it at least have given them a happy pregnancy? Something that had been so important to both of them after everything that had happened when Brian had been pregnant with Luke. Couldn't they at least have gotten enough time to finish the pregnancy and then to move on to the shit show that their life was about to become?

Justin sighed, knowing that he was slowly going crazy and that those thoughts were driving him crazy and not helpful. As much as he would have wished for a different outcome, here they were, in an operating room, with Brian out and under a full anaesthesia while he was there, watching as the doctor's got ready to deliver their baby. A baby that would be coming into the world way too early, way too young and way too small.

Before the c-section, Brian and Justin had had an appointment with a specialist for premature babies and had been given some idea of what to expect.

They had been told that their baby would be very small, very light and would probably have to deal with several complications during the first couple of weeks of his or her life. Labored breathing or respiratory distress had been mentioned as the lungs weren't fully developed yet, a lack of reflexes for sucking and swallowing, leading to feeding difficulties as well as a higher risk for jaundice as the liver wasn't fully developed yet had been mentioned to them. On top of that they would be dealing with problems with the baby's blood as premature babies often had a very low count of red blood cells, problems with the metabolism and the immune system as well as more serious problems like heart and brain problems.

All of that had sounded very scary and intimidating and had done nothing to calm them down. They had also been told that their baby would be taken to the neonatal intensive care unit (NICU) right away and that they wouldn't be able to hold their baby or touch it as it would most likely be transferred to an incubator right away.

As Justin stood next to Brian's side in the operating room, holding the hand of his unconscious partner the whole time the doctors worked on him, he felt quite prepared for what was about to happen. He had made his peace with the knowledge that this would not be the birth that he and Brian had hoped and dreamed for, had accepted the reality of their situation, yet as the events started unfolding right before his eyes, he realised how inadequately he had really been prepared. He had not been ready for what unfolded before his eyes once the doctor's had opened Brian up and had pulled out this incredibly small form that hardly looked like a baby, but more like an undeveloped life form that vaguely resembled a baby.

He watched from wide eyes as their baby was immediately handed over to the team of neonatal specialists and his heart began racing as he heard them jump to action, shouting updates and orders through the room.

His head swam as he started to make sense of what the doctors were saying 'Not breathing.', 'No reaction.'

A fear he had never felt before grabbed his whole body and he felt panic take over. “What's going on? What is happening?” He heard himself ask, though it sounded like it came from far away. The voice that had asked these questions had sounded hysterical and clearly that couldn't be him, right?

He felt as a hand touched his arm and a nurse appeared in his line of vision. “Mr Taylor, we need you to stay calm. The doctor's are working on her right now and you need to give them the space to do so.”

“H-her?” Justin asked from widened eyes, somewhere in his brain realising the pronoun the nurse had used for the baby when she had spoken to him.

“Yes, her. It's a girl, Mr Taylor. And right now you need to give the doctors time to give her the help she needs.”

He nodded dumbly, not sure he was really processing what was going on around him. A girl. He and Brian had a daughter. Their baby was a daughter. Oh God. And now a whole team of doctors was surrounding the table she was lying on and working on her because she wasn't breathing. And Justin couldn't see her any longer and all he wanted was to see her, to hold her and to make sure she was okay and he knew that she wasn't. He had been prepared for it, but now that the doctors were working on her, getting her to breathe, he knew how not okay his daughter was and all he wanted to do was push all those doctors aside and hold her and comfort her. God, she had to be so scared.

“Mr Taylor, we're closing up Mr Kinney and will be finished in a couple of minutes. Why don't you wait outside?” The nurse spoke to him again and Justin could just look at her before he shook his head.

“No, I am not leaving her.”

When he saw that the nurse was about to protest, he squared his shoulders, feeling a new strength move through his body. His daughter needed him. He would not leave her alone, not under any circumstances. This was his child and she was having problems and the last thing he would do would be to leave her alone.

“I am not leaving her,” he repeated, his voice feeling and sounding a lot stronger the second time he said it.

For the moment the nurse seemed to accept his answer and just turned away, returning to the doctor that was still working on Brian.

Justin felt a twinge of guilt because he had not given Brian any attention at all since the doctors had taken away his daughter, but deep down he knew that Brian wouldn't have expected anything less from him. And Brian was unconscious anyway, so it wasn't like he knew.

His eyes never leaving the small table that was still surrounded by way too many people as far as Justin was concerned, Justin began to feel his heart calm down when he saw how the stress and the action at the table seemed to slow down and everyone seemed to relax some more doing whatever they were doing.

He wasn't quite sure what was happening or what the doctors were doing to his daughter, but he figured that it was a good sign when everyone calmed down and continued working at a slower pace.

Watching the table for a couple of more minutes, wondering what was going on and hoping for an update, Justin frowned when he saw another nurse come over.

“Mr Taylor? Mr Kinney is ready to be transferred to the recovery room.”

Justin just nodded, giving Brian's hand in his a squeeze for good measure.

“Is he okay?”

“Yes, he's fine. He did very well and should be waking up in about an hour or two.”

Justin nodded once more, then focused on the nurse again when he realised that she was still speaking to him.

“The doctors have also stabilized your daughter and she will be transferred to the neonatal intensive care unit.”

“She's okay?” He asked, releasing a breath he hadn't realised he had been holding.

“She has been stabilized and one of her doctors will be with you shortly to give you an update. Why don't you let me lead you to the recovery room, so you can wait there for Mr Kinney to wake up?”

Justin was about to protest, but saw on her face that a protest would have been futile. And really, he knew that he should just do as he was told. These doctors and nurses knew what they were doing and he was probably just keeping them from doing their job when they should be focusing on Brian and their daughter.

Shit, a daughter. Damn, he still couldn't believe that he and Brian had a daughter.

As he was being led out of the operating room by the nurse, he threw one last glance at the baby on the table, still surrounded by doctors and nurses. He couldn't see much of his daughter, but he had seen a small hand with five very small fingers. So very small.

He sat in a chair outside the recovery room for what felt like hours, but was probably only a couple of minutes when he saw a doctor walk up to him.

“Mr Taylor?”

“Yes?”

“I am Dr. Smith, your daughter's neonatal specialist. We met earlier this morning in the meeting before the c-section” the doctor introduced himself, holding out his hand in greeting.

Justin stood up, shook it, nodding at him, remembering his name and face from said meeting. This doctor had told them all about the complications their daughter would be facing.

“How is she doing? Is... is she okay?”

The doctor looked at him from understanding eyes, then pointed back to the row of chairs, urging Justin to sit down again. Once Justin had done so, the doctor sat down in one of the chairs as well and turned to him.

“We got her stabilized and she is doing okay under the circumstances. As you saw earlier, she wasn't breathing on her own, which isn't all that uncommon for premature babies born that early. She has been intubated and her oxygen levels have stabilized.”

Justin listened to everything the doctor was saying, trying to take it all in. God, his poor baby. All he wanted to do was hold her and make sure she was okay and that nothing bad would happen to her.

“Can I see her?”

The doctor nodded which Justin took in in relief. At least something.

“Mr Taylor, I need you to be aware of some things though before I take you to see her. She is very small and light. She was 1.5 pounds and 13.1 inches. Due to her being born that prematurely, as mentioned before, we had to intubate her and as her reflexes aren't fully functioning yet, she is being fed through an IV drip. We have to measure her heart and brain activity and... there is no easy way of saying this, but there will be a lot of cables and machines. She might not look like what you imagine her to look like,” the doctor said in a quiet voice.

Justin's eyes widened when he heard the measurements. 1.5 pounds? God, that was almost nothing. And 13.1 inches? That was so small. So fucking small. Jeez. He took a deep breath, ran his hand through his hair, before he nodded, showing the doctor that he had understood what had been said to him.

As the doctor led him to the neonatal intensive care unit, all Justin could think about was how small and light their baby was. Fuck! That was almost nothing. How was a small human being like that ever supposed to grow up healthily? His poor baby. She would have deserved a much better and easier start in life.

When they walked up to the door of the neonatal intensive care unit, the doctor handed Justin a medical gown, and some gloves, urging him to put them on.

Justin did as he was told, then followed the doctor into a room that housed several incubators. Justin saw some parents standing around some of them, but his eyes were immediately drawn to the one incubator that didn't have anyone standing around. As they walked closer, Justin took in the small being lying in that incubator and tears sprang to his eyes when he saw his daughter for the first time.

The doctor had tried to prepare him for what he was about to see, but no words could prepare Justin for the reality of seeing his baby in the incubator, so small and fragile, her legs smaller than one of his fingers. He gasped when he saw the intubation tube coming out of her mouth, saw the other cables and IV drips sticking out of her small body, saw the bandages around her head, covering her eyes. God, his poor, little baby. What had she done to deserve this?

“Mr Taylor, are you alright?” The doctor asked, his voice gentle and comforting. He had been in this situation many times before and he knew how shocked parents were the first time they saw their premature babies. Especially if they were as premature as this little girl was.

“She's...she's so small,” Justin whispered, not daring to look away from his daughter in the incubator. “Oh God...”

“Yes, she is, but let me assure you, she is a fighter. Her vitals have stabilized and she is doing very well,” he said, trying to sound as positive as he could, wanting to calm down the man at his side.

“Why... why are her eyes covered?” Justin asked, forcing himself to pull himself together and to be strong. She needed him to be strong, she needed him to be there for her.

“Her eyes haven't developed enough yet to be able to deal with the light in this room. This is for the protection of her eyes, so we won't do more harm than good. Under the covers the eyes can continue to develop without outer influences,” the doctor explained calmly.

Justin nodded, raising his hand to the side of the incubator, touching it gently. “Hey sweetie,” he whispered, as his hand rested outside the glass. “I am your Papa and... I just want you to know that your Daddy and I love you very much,” Justin said quietly, his voice hardly above a whisper. He didn't care if the doctor heard him, if he thought that Justin was ridiculous or whatever. This was his daughter, his baby and he wanted her to know that she was loved.

The doctor bid him farewell for the time being and left Justin on his own as he continued to watch his baby girl in the incubator. He stayed with her for another 30 minutes, whispering sweet nothings to her, encouraging her to fight, promising her that he would fight with her and would always love her and be there for her, before a nurse appeared at his side and informed him that Brian was waking up.

Justin thanked her for letting him know and then made his way back to the recovery room, so he could be at Brian's side as he woke up. He hadn't wanted to leave his daughter's side, but the nurse had assured him that she would be fine and well looked after while he returned to Brian's side.

As Justin entered the recovery room that Brian was in, he wondered how much he should tell Brian about their daughter's condition. Would Brian be in any condition to deal with the harsh truth? Justin really wasn't sure and an inner war raged on in his mind as he entered the room, making his way to Brian's bed where Brian was twisting and turning, clearly being close to waking up.

Here is an idea what their sweet baby girl might look like: 

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/an-open-letter-to-preemie-parents-from-a-micro-preemie-mom_b_6737664?guccounter=1

Chapter 20

Justin sighed as he made his way back to Brian's room. It had been eight hours now since the c-section and Brian had woken up twice before. The first time he had mostly been out of it due to the anaesthesia only wearing off slowly, the second time he had been more conscious and Justin had at least been able to tell him that they had a daughter and that her condition was stable.

When Brian had fallen back asleep, Justin had left his side once more to be with their baby girl, watching the small rise and fall of her chest as the machines did the breathing for her and helped her stay alive.

Justin still couldn't get over how small and fragile she was, but the more often he saw her, the more he realised that none of that mattered. This was their daughter and the doctor was right: She was a fighter! She would be fine and she would make it through this in one piece. And he would do everything he could to make sure she was okay.

As of yet, he hadn't been allowed to touch her or hold her, being informed by the nurses that the risk of infection was still too high for her as her immune system hadn't fully developed yet. All he could do was watch her through the glass of the incubator and speak to her. He told her about himself and Brian, about her brothers and the rest of her family. He was aware that she didn't understand him, he wasn't even sure if she was able to hear him, but he hoped that maybe deep down listening to him was helping her. In any case, it was helping him as it gave him something to focus on and to do.

On his way back from the NICU, Justin had quickly stopped outside the hospital for some fresh air and had called his mother to let her know that they had a daughter and that her condition was stable. He hadn't been able to stop himself from crying, still being too emotional after having seen his poor, sweet baby girl like that and he had wished so desperately for his mother to be by his side and just hold him.

She had promised him that she would take care of Gus and Luke, that she would let the rest of the family know and that he should just focus on Brian and their baby girl, trying to comfort him as best as she could over the phone. More than anything she had wanted to hug him as well, but that hadn't been possible as she had been on babysitting duty for Gus and Luke and was supposed to spend the day with them. This whole situation broke her heart and she just wished that there was something else she could do to support her son and his family.

“Hey,” Justin said quietly as he saw that Brian was awake and looking out the window of his room at the parking lot.

Brian didn't reply, just nodded in acknowledgement which made Justin frown. Brian had hardly spoken more than ten words to him since he had woken up from his anaesthesia the first time and even though Brian had never been much of a talker this was too silent even for him.

Justin made his way over to Brian's side and sat on the edge of the bed, running his hand through Brian's hair in a gentle gesture. “Are you okay?”

Once again Brian only nodded, not saying anything and avoiding Justin's gaze.

“Are you in any pain? Do you want me to get the doctor for you?” He asked in obvious concern, never stopping his caress of Brian's hair.

Brian just shook his head, then moved his head away from Justin's hand and caress which made Justin frown even more. This was not like Brian. Something was very off.

“Speak to me, Brian. Please. You're worrying me,” Justin admitted, looking at his partner with concern in his eyes.

Brian's head slowly turned and his gaze met Justin's and Justin nearly gasped at the pain he saw in Brian's eyes. “How is she?”

“She's okay. Hanging in there. The doctors say she's a fighter and doing well under the circumstances,” Justin replied, trying to sound as positive as he could. He didn't want to worry Brian more than was necessary in this situation, knowing fully well how much was already on Brian's plate even without having to worry about their daughter. Brian needed to concentrate on himself, on his health and Justin would worry about their baby for the both of them.

“The truth, Justin,” Brian said, his voice sounding angrier than Justin had expected. If the tone in Brian's voice hadn't been a hint that the man was angry, the use of Justin's first name certainly was. Brian rarely called him Justin, mostly calling him Sunshine and the use of his first name now indicated that Brian was in no mood to play around and was deadly serious.

“It is the truth,” Justin said quietly, once more reaching out his hand to caress Brian's face, but Justin stopped when he saw Brian move his head away, glaring at him.

“Tell me the fucking truth, Justin. I have a right to know,” Brian angrily replied, his glare only intensifying as his gaze stayed on Justin's.

“Brian,” Justin started on a deep sigh, but never got any further.

“Fine, fuck off! I'll get the doctor to tell me the truth then,” Brian announced angrily, reaching for the button on the side of his bed that would call the nurse to his room.

“Brian, please. Calm down. You need to stay calm,” Justin urged, watching Brian in worry. He wasn't quite sure what to make of this angry Brian, wasn't quite sure where that anger was coming from and why it was directed at him, but he knew that this anger couldn't be good for Brian in his current condition. “You just had surgery. You'll only bust your stitches.”

“Then tell me the fucking truth.”

“I did,” Justin replied helplessly, trying to find a way to calm Brian down without aggravating him even more.

“Nice try, but you've always been a for shit liar. Your eyes betray you. If you won't tell me the fucking truth, I'll get the doctor in here right now. I have a right to know how my daughter is doing,” Brian glared at Justin, daring him to contradict him.

“Fine,” Justin sighed, running a hand through his own hair, trying to gather his thoughts. “What do you want me to say, Brian? That she's too small and too light and that she can't breathe on her own? That she is barely as big as my hand, weighs less than 1.5 half pounds, that her leg is thinner than a finger on my hand? That there are so many tubes and machines connected to her that you can hardly make out her body? That I am not allowed to touch her for fear of infection because she doesn't have a functioning immune system yet? That she can't swallow or eat on her own because she doesn't have the necessary reflexes yet and that she's being fed through an IV tube? Is that what you want to hear? That all I can do is stand at her side and talk to her because I can't fucking hold her, comfort her or make sure that she is okay in any other way? Is that what you want to hear? Fine, here is your truth: She is smaller than any baby I have ever seen and when they delivered her she wasn't breathing and there were so many doctors surrounding her small body, I couldn't even see her anymore. I was so fucking scared that she was dead and that it had all been for nothing. Is that what you wanted to hear? That I was more scared than I have ever felt before in my life? Fine, here is your truth for you,” Justin finished, having talked himself into a rage, feeling angry at Brian for making him say all that when he had tried so hard to keep all of that away from Brian, so Brian could focus on himself and his own health instead of worrying about their daughter as well.

Justin stood up from his place on Brian's bed and wordlessly walked over to the window, hugging himself close as he watched the parking lot from where he stood, silent tears running down his face.

There was an eerie silence in the room for the longest time, before Justin heard Brian's now quiet voice calling out for him. “Sunshine.”

“Fuck you, Brian,” was all Justin replied to that. Brian could take his fucking Sunshine and push it up his own ass for all he cared.

The uncomfortable silence lingered for several more minutes, before Brian tried again. “Please, come here,” he quietly pleaded with Justin, but Justin didn't move.

“Don't make me come out of this bed and walk over there,” Brian said and when Justin heard a groan and a hiss caused by pain shortly after, he turned around, feeling utterly shocked when Brian was indeed trying to get out of bed. He had pulled back the blanket and was now trying to move his legs over the side of the bed.

Justin could easily see the pain this simple motion caused Brian and could hear his pained moans as he tried to get into a sitting position.

“Christ, Brian. Stop! You're going to bust your stitches,” Justin glared at the older man, as he made his way over to the bed, pushing Brian's form back down onto the mattress.

When their eyes met, Justin could see the remorse in Brian's eyes and he knew that Brian was sorry for making him that angry.

“Are you trying to kill yourself? I thought the whole idea here was to keep you alive,” Justin muttered angrily as he helped Brian back into a lying position and pulled the blanket back over his partner.

“I'm sorry,” Brian said quietly, his gaze never leaving Justin's.

“Sorry my ass. What is wrong with you?”

“Please, don't shut me out,” Brian whispered, his eyes glassy as if he was about to cry any second.

“I am not shutting you out,” Justin sighed, feeling the anger leave his body, feeling it replaced by a deep sense of frustration. How could Brian make him so angry in a few seconds and then look so pitiful right after, making all his anger dissipate in a second?

“You weren't telling me the truth,” Brian said quietly, his voice neither accusatory nor angry, just stating a fact.

“I was. I told you she was hanging in there and she was doing okay,” Justin defended himself, once more sitting down on the side of Brian's bed.

Brian reached for Justin's hand and was glad when Justin allowed for him to hold it and squeeze it.

“You don't need to protect me.”

“I was not...,” Justin started, but then stopped, realising that he had been found out and Brian had looked right through him. “It's just... you already have so much to worry about. Just let me worry about her, okay?”

“That's not how this works and you know it, Sunshine,” Brian smiled sadly, gently tugging on Justin's hand, pulling him closer. At first Justin resisted, but then he gave in and leaned in closer, until their lips met in a short kiss, once Brian had removed the oxygen mask from his face to allow the kiss. “I am worried about you,” Brian said when the kiss broke, looking at Justin from sad eyes.

“I am alright, Brian,” Justin just replied, wordlessly helping Brian to replace the oxygen mask before trying to pull back into a sitting position, but Brian wouldn't let him. Instead Brian lifted his body a bit further to the side of the bed with a sigh, then nodded at the now empty space by his side, making it clear that he wanted Justin to lie down next to him. “Brian, no. We can't.”

“Sunshine, please,” Brian just pleaded, his voice sounding needier than Justin had ever heard it before. Knowing that he wouldn't refuse Brian anything under the circumstances, Justin kicked off his shoes, then carefully climbed in next to Brian, resting his head on Brian's shoulder, wrapping his arm around his partner's midsection carefully.

“Is this okay?”

“Perfect,” Brian whispered, leaning down to inhale the typical smell that was just Justin when he smelled the blond hair on his shoulder. “I know you're not okay. How could you be? Just... please don't shut me out,” Brian continued, rubbing his cheek in Justin's blond hair.

“Don't worry about me,” Justin sighed, pulling back slightly, so their gazes could meet. “I'll be okay.”

“I'll always worry,” Brian admitted and Justin saw the truth in his partner's eyes as he spoke those words.

“You shouldn't. Not now.”

“Now even more than ever,” Brian said, carefully leading his hand that was connected to the IV drip to Justin's face and caressing his cheek with his fingertips. “I am so sorry, Sunshine. I wish it wasn't like this.”

“I know,” Justin sighed. And he knew. He really did. He knew that if it was in Brian's hands, this would never have happened. Brian would have never done anything that would cause him any kind of pain or hurt. And Justin knew that it was killing Brian to know that he was the cause for his and their sons' current pain. He had no doubt that if Brian had the chance to change anything, he would do so immediately.

“Tell me about her,” Brian urged, never stopping his caress of Justin's face and his hair, enjoying being close to him like this.

“Brian,” Justin started, ready to list all the reasons why they shouldn't talk about their daughter now, but in the end knowing that none of those reasons were valid and that Brian was right and that he had a right to know. So Justin just cuddled closer to Brian, enjoying being close to him as he started speaking in a quiet voice.

“She's so tiny. I think I could fit her into the palm of my hands if I tried. Her legs are so thin, my middle finger is thicker. She's connected to all these machines trying to make sure that she's alright, trying to keep her alive, but... they just look so scary and big compared to how tiny and fragile she is. The doctors say that she is doing alright under the circumstances, that she's doing as well as can be expected, but... I don't know. Just seeing her like that, I can't believe that she's doing alright. I mean, how could she being so tiny and needing so many machines around. It's... it's fucking scary and every time I go there and see her, I just hope and pray that none of those machines will break or fail because I know that she needs them to stay alive and... it's a scary thought that she wouldn't be here without those machines. It's just so fucking scary,” Justin finished on a whisper, hiding his head in Brian's shoulder, feeling as the older man ran soothing circles on his back.

“I am so scared for her, Brian. What... what if she doesn't make it? What if she is just too small and fragile? I... the moment I saw her I felt this connection to her, this need to make sure that she is alright and now I can't. I can't do anything to help her. It's killing me...,” by now Justin was openly crying and he couldn't do anything to stop the flow of tears. He just hid his head in Brian's shoulder and allowed him to hold him and comfort him.

As much as he had wanted his mom to comfort him earlier, he knew that there was nothing she could have said to comfort him. Just as there wasn't really anything that Brian could say to comfort him. Thankfully Brian didn't even try and just continued to hold Justin in his arms, trying to comfort him that way.

If anyone understood how he was feeling it would be Brian. Justin knew that. He knew that the only person that was feeling the same way he was was Brian and that they would be the only ones able to comfort each other.

Justin wasn't surprised when he felt wetness on his cheek, knowing that Brian was crying as well. He just leaned in closer, enveloping the older man just that tiny bit more, showing him that he was also there to comfort Brian, just as Brian comforted him.

“She will be just fine. I know it. She is your daughter. She is a fighter,” Brian whispered through his tears, feeling Justin's pain just like he was feeling his own.

“I hope so,” Justin replied in a broken voice, clinging on to Brian for all it was worth.

“I know so,” Brian said in a quiet voice, before he gently wiped away Justin's tears from his cheeks. “I love you, Sunshine.”

“I love you,” Justin replied, their eyes meeting and their gazes continuing in a conversation that didn't need any more words.

They would be alright. No matter what. As long as they were together, they would make it. Both of them. Brian and Justin as well as their children. They would all be fine as long as they were together.

Chapter 21

Justin had spent that first night in Brian's arms at the hospital, not having it in himself to leave Brian's side and go home. He knew that Luke and Gus would have needed him by their side and he had felt guilty about abandoning them, but he trusted that his mother was taking good care of them.

At that moment in time he had just needed to be with Brian, the only other person in the world that was able to understand his pain and his feelings.

He had called the boys before it was their bedtime and had apologised to them, had told them about their baby sister and had promised to be home the next day. Thankfully Gus and Luke hadn't made a fuss about it, for which Justin had been very grateful.

The next two days at the hospital had pretty much gone like the first day with Justin going back and forth between Brian's room and his daughter's room in NICU. He was either sitting with one or the other and had hardly left the hospital at all. The only times he actually left the hospital was to go home at dinnertime to spend some time with Gus and Luke. And only because he knew that he needed to. That they needed him and that he needed to see them and needed to see that they were okay.

Gus and Luke were spending their Christmas holidays with varying members of their family and while they were worried about Brian and their baby sister, thankfully the family had come together and organised some great trips as a distraction for them.

Ted and Blake had taken them to the Children's Museum, while Emmett and Drew had taken them to see a movie. They had cooked and baked with Debbie and had helped Jennifer prepare her house for her New Year's party, helping her with decorations and all.

Thankfully the boys were kept so busy that they hardly had time to miss their fathers too much.

Justin made a point to be home each night for dinner and bedtime, making sure that he was at least spending some time with either boy, telling them about how their baby sister was doing.

So far the boys had only been allowed to visit Brian, but hadn't been allowed to see their sister in NICU, where only parents and close family, only adults, were allowed to go.

By now most of the family had been by the hospital at one point or another to give Brian and Justin their best and to visit their daughter for which both men had been glad.

Days at the hospital were awfully long if you had nothing to do and while Justin was still going back and forth between Brian's room and NICU all day long, Brian had only been lying in his room all day long, pulling back into himself further and further.

At first Justin hadn't been quite sure what was going on, but by the second day, he had realised it for what it was. Brian had put up his walls again and Justin had no idea why. He had no idea where those walls had been coming from or why they had appeared now, all he knew was that he wasn't able to break them down. As much as he had tried to get Brian to talk, the older man had just ended conversations by changing the topic and talking about something else. Justin had yet to find out what was going on. With everything else going on however, he just wasn't sure when he was supposed to find the time for tearing down Brian's walls as well.

After two days of Justin trying to split his time between Brian, their daughter and the boys, Brian had been released and allowed to go home, just in time for New Year's.

When Justin had picked him up, getting him out of his room, he had asked if he wanted to go to NICU first, paying a visit to their daughter, which Brian had refused, claiming that he was too tired and just wanted to get home. At the time Justin hadn't really paid much attention to it, knowing that Brian still tired easily and was still getting used to his limited lung capacity, but the more he thought about it later, the more it bothered him that Brian had yet to see their daughter.

At home things had pretty much been normal and after Brian had taken a nap, he had joined his sons downstairs in the living-room, spending the afternoon with them cuddled to his side, them all watching a movie together on the sofa.

Both boys were glad to have their daddy back at home and to be able to spend some time with him and they hardly left his side all day. Justin could see that Brian also enjoyed being home again and that it did him good to spend some time with the boys. He saw Brian laughing a real laugh for the first time in days after Gus had said something and it did him good to see the carefree expression spending time with his sons brought to his partner's face.

Knowing that Brian was in good hands with both boys and Debbie keeping a careful eye on him, Justin had returned to the hospital again to be with their daughter for the rest of the day, only arriving back home in time for dinner.

After the boys had gone to bed and Brian and Justin had retired to the master bedroom, Justin snuggled up to Brian, resting his head on Brian's shoulder, careful not to get too close to his chest or abdomen where his stitches from his surgeries were still healing.

“We have to think of a name, you know?” Justin said quietly, wondering if he was making a mistake bringing up the topic now, but knowing that they needed to talk about it. They couldn't go on calling their daughter 'baby girl' and needed to name her. She deserved to have a name. It was the least her parents could do for her as far as Justin was concerned.

“A name?” Brian frowned, taking a deep breath under his oxygen mask.

“Well, we can hardly go and call her 'baby girl' all her life. She deserves a name. It's the least we can do for her,” Justin argued, pulling back slightly, so his gaze could meet Brian's. He saw several emotions in Brian's eyes, but wasn't quite sure what it was that he was seeing exactly.

He could see pain, but also a sense of realisation and acceptance. He knew that Brian knew that he was right.

“Go ahead then,” Brian said, breaking their gaze and resting his arm over his eyes.

“Brian?” Justin frowned, not sure what to make of this reaction.

“Well, you're the one who names things in this family. So go ahead. You named Gus, Kinnetik, Britin. Go on.”

“I didn't name Luke,” Justin replied quietly and the moment he had said it, cursed himself for it. Why did he have to bring that up now? He knew how Brian had been in a weird mood for days now, he knew that the walls had come back up. Why did he have to bring that up now on top of everything else?

“Obviously,” Brian said, his voice strangely void of emotion.

“Brian?”

“What?”

“I didn't say that to hurt you,” Justin said quietly, not quite sure what else to say.

Brian sighed, before he turned his head once more and looked at Justin from hardened hazel eyes. Justin realised that the walls had come back up and were firmly back in place and he cursed himself for whatever he had done to make them go up again.

“I know.”

“I really didn't,” Justin insisted, before he turned away from Brian's side, seeing his mask still firmly in place, turning to lie on his other side. He switched off the light, before he whispered. “Forget it.”

They were quiet for the longest time, before Justin felt a hand on his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “You should name her. You're much better at naming things and people than I am,” Brian whispered and Justin knew from the tone the man had used that it was meant as an apology.

“You did pretty well with Luke,” Justin said quietly, leading his hand to give Brian's hand on his shoulder a squeeze, showing the older man that he accepted his apology.

“It's your turn this time,” Brian said, carefully moving onto his side, so his chest could touch Justin's back as he spooned him.

“Maybe we can name her together,” Justin suggested, leaning back into Brian's chest, enjoying the contact with his partner.

“What did you have in mind?” The older man asked, his arm now resting over Justin's midsection.

“Something traditional, not too outrageous, you know?”

“Hmmmm, sounds good.”

“I like what you did with Luke, giving him a middle name. Maybe she can have a middle name as well.”

“I'd like that,” Brian agreed, holding Justin just that much tighter when he spoke.

“I... it will probably feel repetitive, since Luke's middle name is already Victor, but I always quite liked the name Victoria, you know? And that you can shorten it to Vicky if you like,” Justin said quietly, his own hand resting on Brian's, gently holding it in place.

“It's a beautiful name,” Brian agreed. “I doubt most people will remember Luke's middle name anyway,” he guessed.

“I am sure Debbie does,” Justin pointed out, knowing that he was right. Debbie wouldn't forget that her grandson had been given her brother's name as his middle name to honour the man that had died way too early. The man that had been a father figure for most of Brian's life, more than Brian's father ever had been.

“And she would be delighted to have a second grandchild named in Vic's memory.”

“Honestly? That's not why I like the name. I loved Vic, but... it has nothing to do with him. I just always liked the name for a girl,” Justin explained.

“I know. It is a nice name. I like it too.”

“What other names would you like? Any particular name you had in mind?”

Justin could feel Brian shake his head. “Not really. I haven't really thought about it much, to be honest. I guess I always liked the name Rose for a girl.”

Justin nodded. “Hmmm, it's nice.”

“How about Victoria Rose, Vicky for short?” Brian suggested, never letting go of the smaller body that was leaning into his chest, holding his partner tight.

“I like it. Victoria Rose Kinney Taylor,” Justin whispered with a smile on his lips.

“Victoria Rose Kinney Taylor,” Brian agreed, a smile on his face as well.

***

Once they had agreed on a name for their daughter, Justin had started filing all the necessary paperwork, getting started on getting her birth certificate, etc. He knew that while he was at the hospital taking care of things there, Brian would fill in their family at home about their daughter's name.

Visiting his daughter, being able to call her by her name had made him feel elated. He couldn't quite explain why, but it had felt good to be able to call her by a name that they had chosen just for her. Somehow giving her her name had made everything more real and had made her much more of a real person than just calling her 'baby girl'.

After a quiet New Year's Eve in their home which Brian and Justin had rung in alone in their bedroom, lying in bed, watching out their window to see the fireworks while the boys were spending New Year's at Jennifer's, attending her party, it was time for real life to catch up with them again.

On January 2nd, Brian had his first chemotherapy session scheduled at the hospital. Justin had given him a lift and had dropped him off. He had offered to spend the time with Brian, but Brian had pretty much forced him to go and see their daughter in NICU while he was sitting, receiving his infusion for the next 3 ½ hours. There wasn't much that Justin could do besides sitting around and the time would be much better used if Justin spent it at their daughter's side instead of hovering over him.

Brian had tried to concentrate on getting some work done, catching up on some work emails on his phone while the infusion slowly dripped the chemicals into his body, hopefully getting rid of any cancerous cells left, hopefully making him healthy once and for all.

While he checked his emails, Brian could see that Cynthia and Ted had everything under control at Kinnetik and that everything looked okay. He didn't like not being in the loop and he didn't like not being in control, but he was painfully aware from his first time having cancer that now was not the time for him to be a business man. He needed to trust them to take care of his company and from the end of year reports he had just read through, it looked like they were doing pretty well on their own without him breathing down their necks. He had trained them both well and was lucky to have good employees like that working for him.

He looked up from his emails when he heard someone calling his name and frowned. The voice had sounded familiar, but he couldn't quite place it until his face settled on a familiar person, someone he didn't think he'd ever see again in his whole life. Someone he had never wanted to see again. His eyes immediately glared back at the man now standing a few feet away from him and his voice was more hostile than it had been in years.

“What are you doing here? Leave me the fuck alone!”

“Brian, how are you? It's been years.”

“Not nearly enough years. You are not supposed to be here. Fuck off!”

“I work here,” the man replied and for the first time Brian took in the uniform that Michael was wearing. He was wearing the uniform of a cleaning worker and had a bucket and mop at his side. Brian couldn't help but notice how the years had not been kind to Michael. His hair had thinned dramatically, showing a bald spot on his head and he had put on quite a few pounds since Brian had last seen him. All in all not a good look for the man, not that Brian cared.

“Well, not much longer. You are not allowed to come anywhere close to me or my family. Leave me alone!”

“Brian,” Michael whined and Brian felt as if his ears would start bleeding any second now. “Don't be like that. It's been years.”

“I don't fucking care. You can't be here. Fuck off!” Brian just repeated, glaring at the man, daring him to annoy him any more.

“What's going on, Brian? Why are you here? What's with the mask?” Michael asked, totally ignoring what Brian had just said, pointing to the oxygen mask on his face as if he was only seeing it now.

“None of your business. Get out of here. NOW! Before I call the police!”

“I work here, Brian. How was I supposed to know that I would meet you here? Are you sick again? Is it cancer again?” Michael asked, his voice sounding strangely concerned.

At that moment they were interrupted by Justin, who was just walking up to them. All he could see was Brian's angry glare directed at one member of the cleaning personnel, whom he could only see from behind. He wondered what was going on there and what had happened to make Brian that angry. Justin could see by the glare in the older man's eyes and by the popping of the vein on his forehead how angry Brian really was.

“Brian? Is everything okay?” he asked as he walked up to his partner, stopping in his tracks when he arrived at Brian's side and got a good view of the man that Brian was glaring at.

“You can't be here. Get out!” He angrily directed at Michael, once he had recognised the man, not having expected to see the man at all.

“You can't force me, Boy Wonder,” Michael just hissed, glaring at Justin in return.

“My name is Justin. Justin Taylor. I am sure you must have seen it printed on the RESTRAINING ORDER that was issued against you,” Justin hissed, giving Michael his best angry glare.

“Why am I not surprised to see you here as well? I should have known that you would come back and milk Brian for all he's worth once your miserable attempt at being a painter failed,” Michael threw at him and Justin could just laugh while Brian muttered an angry 'How dare you?' in Michael's direction.

“Yeah, my career is really in the gutter... Selling paintings in the high four figures and five figures is really a failure. I am sure my mom and partner would be so much prouder of me if I were a convicted felon working as a cleaner because that's all I would be allowed to do after trying to kidnap another man's child. Wait, last time I checked you didn't have a mom and a partner. I wonder if there's anyone you can milk for money since it sure as hell won't be Brian any longer.”

“Shut up, Boy Wonder. You don't know anything,” Michael yelled at him, only stopping when he saw a nurse and a member of security walk up to them.

Apparently their shouting had caused quite a bit of attention and had made them come over.

“Sirs, is everything alright?” The security man asked, looking from Brian to Justin and Michael.

“We have a restraining order against that man. He can't be anywhere near either of us or our family. He came up to me and accosted me,” Brian explained, nodding at Michael.

“You are not supposed to speak to the patients,” the nurse said, directing her statement at Michael.

“We are old friends,” Michael said. “We know each other.”

“We are not friends. We haven't been in almost ten years,” Brian hissed, taking Justin's hand in his, trying to draw some strength from the man at his side.

“I'll give our lawyer a call and will have him send you the restraining orders,” Justin said calmly. “This man can't be anywhere close to me or my partner.”

“Partner? You are nothing more than a convenient piece of blond boy ass,” Michael spit, not able to help himself. “Brian doesn't do love or relationships.”

“Really? How would you know? You spent the last eight years in prison for helping Lindsay to kidnap MY SON! You know nothing about Brian, me or our family,” Justin hissed.

“A son you didn't even know about because he never told you. He didn't trust you to be man enough to be a father,” Michael spat and it was that moment when Brian got up from the chair he had been sitting in, ready to physically hurt Michael.

Justin put his hand on Brian's arm and forcefully pulled him back into his seat. Their eyes met in silent conversation and Justin made it clear that he would be dealing with this one. In the end Brian just nodded, giving in, knowing that Justin was more than capable of defending himself.

“I've had enough. I am calling the police,” Justin announced, pulling out his phone.

“For what? How was I supposed to know that he would be here?” Michael asked, not able to believe that he had done anything wrong.

“You couldn't. But the moment you realised it, you should have removed yourself from the situation. Instead you decided that the restraining orders didn't apply to you and you decided that you had a right to approach Brian. Which you don't have! Both Brian and I have given you enough chances to leave which you didn't. I am tired of your insults and insinuations. The police can deal with you,” Justin said coldly, ready to make the call.

“Brian, you won't let him talk to me like that, will you?”

“You should be glad that he's dealing with you. If it were me, you'd walk out of here with broken bones,” Brian said in a deathly quiet voice that made it very obvious to everyone around that his words weren't just an empty threat.

“But Brian, I am your...,” Michael started, but was interrupted by Justin's harsh voice.

“If you were to end that sentence with best friend, you need more than just the police. You need help, Michael! You haven't been anyone's friend in more than eight years. You stopped being Brian's friend when you tried to have his son kidnapped. You stopped being anyone's friend when your obsession with Brian made you lose everything. You lost your husband, your son, your daughter, your family. You lost your mother and all your friends over your misguided actions. Wake up, Michael. You don't have any friends.”

“Shut up, bottom boy,” Michael yelled, ready to lunge at Justin.

The security man jumped in at that point and held Michael back. “Okay, this is enough. We will deal with this. I don't think there is any need for police here, but if you insist, that is your call,” he nodded in Justin's and Brian's direction.

“Just get him out of my sight,” Brian hissed.

“He won't bother you any longer,” the security man promised, pulling a struggling Michael away.

The nurse looked at Brian and Justin apologetically. “I am sorry about this. We weren't aware that there were restraining orders in place,” she said quietly and both Brian and Justin just nodded.

“I'll have our lawyer send over a copy, so you can have it for your files,” Justin said quietly, feeling his anger leave his body. “He can't be here for my partner's future treatments,” Justin said, his voice not allowing for any contradiction from her.

“Of course not. He won't be,” the nurse promised, before leaving the two men alone, assuring some of the other patients that everything was okay and the situation had been resolved.

“Are you okay?” Justin asked quietly as he sat down in the empty chair at Brian's side, looking at the lost expression on his partner's face.

Brian just nodded, not meeting Justin's eyes.

Justin knew that Brian was not okay, how could he, but he also knew that now was not the time to pressure Brian into talking about this encounter. And this was definitely not the right place either.

He took Brian's hand, holding it in his own, squeezing every once in a while, watching his partner in concern as Brian just stared ahead. Justin knew that they would have to talk about this and they would. But later. In the privacy of their home when it was just the two of them.

Chapter 22

Once Brian's treatment had been finished, they headed back home. On the ride home, Justin tried bringing up their run in with Michael, but Brian had just shaken his head and in the end Justin had decided to let it go. It was obvious that Brian wasn't ready to talk about that encounter yet, so Justin decided to give him some more time to come to terms with what had happened at the hospital. He just hoped that Brian wouldn't just hide behind his walls, but would actually talk to Justin.

For the first couple of hours after the treatment Brian had been doing pretty okay, before the first side effects of the chemotherapy had started. Late in the afternoon, Brian had started to feel nauseous and his stomach had started to feel queasy.

He still knew from his radiation therapy that those side effects would become a part of life for him once again and they had been prepared by his doctors for all kinds of other side effects they would have to look out for during his chemotherapy cycle.

Justin had prepared some tea to help calm Brian's stomach and had helped him into bed once he had started feeling bad.

Thankfully the boys had left earlier to spend a night with their Auntie Em and Uncle Drew, so Justin hoped that they wouldn't have to witness the worst side effects their father would suffer from.

He knew that they wouldn't be able to hide the side effects from them forever, but he hoped that at least this way he and Brian would get a chance to see what they were dealing with before having to deal with the boys and their worry on top of everything else.

They had prepared the boys and had explained to them how the chemotherapy would make Brian feel sick and how there would be side effects, but as was normal, especially with children, it was one thing to hear about something and another thing to see it.

As the day had turned into evening and the side effects had gotten worse, Brian and Justin had moved into the bathroom where Brian had emptied his stomach several times. The worse he got, the worse his mood got.

Brian had never been an easy patient, but thankfully, Justin had been with Brian when he had gone through his radiation the first time he had cancer and he knew that Brian wasn't a good patient. He knew how Brian hated feeling vulnerable and how Brian didn't like looking weak in front of anyone, even Justin and more than anything Justin knew that Brian felt guilty for making Justin go through this all over again. Not that Justin minded. Not one bit. He would be damned if he couldn't be at Brian's side through all this. It was where he wanted to be and it was where he needed to be. At his partner's side.

“Here,” he said gently, as he laid a cold wet cloth on Brian's forehead once the first bout of vomiting seemed to be over.

Brian was resting in front of their toilet bowl, totally drained. While he had been vomiting, he hadn't been able to wear his oxygen mask and the lack of additional oxygen had worn him out on top of everything else. He looked absolutely drained and was resting his arms on the toilet seat, his chin resting on his arms.

“You don't have to do that,” he muttered angrily, yet leaning into the touch of the cold wet cloth.

“I want to,” Justin said quietly, keeping the cloth in place. After Brian hadn't vomited and heaved for several minutes, Justin leaned over and moved to get the oxygen mask which had fallen to the side next to Brian. He carefully moved around his exhausted partner and carefully put the mask back in place.

Just as he was about to place the mask on Brian's face, Brian slapped his hand away.

“I can fucking do that myself.”

Justin knew that Brian was lashing out because he hated for Justin to see him like this and he knew better than to raise to the bait. He didn't want to fight with Brian in his condition, so he just stayed calm, but stood his ground.

“I know you can, but you don't have to.”

Brian just glared at him and took the mask from him, putting it in place himself, taking several deep breaths, before he closed his eyes with a sigh.

“Do you feel like going back to the bedroom?” Justin asked after several minutes, minutes in which he had just watched his exhausted partner and his heart had broken for Brian having to go through this. He wished there was something he could do to make it all better, but he knew that he couldn't. They had been given some prescriptions that Brian had taken earlier, medicine that was supposed to help against the worst of the nausea and vomiting and diarrhea. They had also been given pain medication against nerve or muscle pain that might show up as a side effect. Brian had dutifully taken all those prescriptions earlier, but so far they didn't seem to be doing much good by the looks of it. He had still spent the last two hours alternating between vomiting and diarrhea, hardly leaving the toilet at all.

Justin was relieved when he saw Brian nod. He reached out for the older man, but stopped when Brian held up his hands, urging him not to touch him.

“Brian,” Justin said in an exasperated voice. “Don't be an idiot. Let me help you.”

He reached out once more, but Brian just shook his head again, turning his gaze to Justin. “Don't. Hurts.”

“Oh,” was all Justin could say to that, before he nodded and watched as Brian slowly got up from where he had been sitting in front of the toilet. They had been told about nerve and muscle pain, but Justin hadn't known that a simple touch would already hurt.

He watched as Brian slowly made his way back to their bedroom, always staying close behind him, ready to help him if it was needed.

Brian made his way to their bed and then collapsed on it. He carefully lay down, moaning quietly as he tried to get into a comfortable position, then opened his eyes to look at Justin's worried ones that had followed every move.

“Feels like my fucking skin is burning,” he said in quiet explanation and Justin could only nod.

“You want me to get you some of the pain killers?” He asked quietly as he sat down on his side of the bed, being careful not to touch Brian. He didn't want to cause him any more pain or discomfort than he was already experiencing.

Brian just nodded and watched as Justin immediately left his side to get them.

Once his partner was back, Brian carefully took a sip of water and then swallowed the pills. “Hope they will stay inside long enough to actually work,” he muttered before he closed his eyes.

Justin could see how utterly exhausted Brian looked and it had only been the first day of treatments. He wondered how much more there was to come.

“Try to get some sleep, you look exhausted,” Justin said gently, looking at Brian from worried eyes. “I'll get you some soup for when you wake up.”

“Debbie's chicken soup?” Brian asked and Justin was glad to see the slight smirk on his partner's face. He couldn't help but smile himself.

“You bet.”

“Let me guess, you'll kick my ass if I don't eat it?”

“Seemed to have done the trick the first time,” Justin said, a smile on his face and in his voice.

“Yeah, it did,” Brian replied, his eyes now open and gentle as they searched for Justin's. Once their gazes met, they looked at each other for the longest time. “I am sorry,” Brian said quietly.

“What for?” Justin asked, not quite sure he knew what Brian was apologising for.

“For being an ass earlier,” he said quietly, nodding in the direction of the bathroom.

“You're allowed to be under the circumstances,” Justin offered with a small smile.

“No, you shouldn't have to take my shit on top of everything else.”

“Brian, stop. I know this isn't easy for you. I know how you hate this and... I hate it too and more than anything I hate that you have to go through this, but... you don't have to go through it alone. I am here. All the way. Let me help. I... I need to help,” Justin ended quietly and something in his voice had gotten right to Brian's heart.

Something about the way Justin had said that he needed to help. With a start Brian realised that Justin really needed to do this. Justin needed to be there for him and needed to be allowed to help. As much as Brian hated if somebody helped him and saw him weak and vulnerable, he knew that Justin hated it even more if he was helplessly standing by and couldn't do anything. Justin much like himself needed to do something and needed to be able to help the ones he loved. And he loved Brian, of that there was no question.

Brian felt ashamed when he realised how much more of an asshole that made him seeing how he had brushed off Justin's help earlier and he felt even worse now.

As if sensing the thoughts running through Brian's head, Justin carefully leaned over, leaving a featherlight kiss on Brian's forehead, not wanting to hurt his partner who was already in pain without being touched.

“I love you,” he said sincerely.

Brian nodded, hoping that Justin could hear the sincerity in his own voice when he spoke. “I love you, too.”

“You better,” Justin joked, before he pulled back.

“More than anything,” Brian whispered and Justin smiled at him.

“Right answer, Mr Kinney.” Then he got up from his place at Brian's side and stood next to the bed. “I'll get some soup started. Call if you need me, okay?”

Brian nodded, before closing his eyes once more, trying to get some sleep.

The next two days pretty much went on the same. There were some hours when Brian was able to get some rest and sleep, but more often than not that sleep was interrupted by new bouts of vomiting and diarrhea. One time Brian had woken up because his skin had felt as if it had been pulled from his body layer by layer and no matter what he had done, he just hadn't been able to find a position in which he could rest without hurting. Not knowing what else to do, in the end Justin had helped him move into the bathroom where he had tried lying down on the cold bathroom tiles. At least the cold tiles were soothing the pain somehow.

Justin had tried to feed Brian some soup, but Brian had hardly been able to eat or keep anything down. It had been quite a feat to keep him hydrated, but they had done their best to make Brian drink as much as was possible.

Thankfully after the second day, the side effects seemed to get less and Brian was slowly starting to feel normal again.

He had not vomited in 12 hours and had been able to sleep for several hours on end. His skin didn't feel like it was on fire any longer and he was able to just lie in his bed and try to get some sleep.

For the first time in two days Justin felt like Brian was well enough to be left alone for some time, so Justin made his way back to the hospital to see Victoria. It had broken his heart that he hadn't been able to go and see her in two days, but Brian had needed him at home and thankfully his mother and everyone else in their family had offered to spend time with her in NICU, making sure that she wasn't alone and that she had loved ones around.

Justin really didn't know what he would do without his family and all the support they were giving him and his family.

Gus and Luke had been shocked to see how sick their father had been and it had worried both boys to see Brian that weak and in pain, even though Brian had tried his best to put on a mask and to pretend that everything was okay when the boys were with him.

Both of them had cried themselves to sleep that second day, having noticed how sick their father had been. Justin had tried to explain to them about the side effects of the chemotherapy, had tried to explain what had happened in their father's body, but as expected seeing it and hearing about it were two different things.

Brian and Justin tried to include the boys as much as possible, not wanting to lie to them or wanting to keep anything from them. They felt like it was important for them to know about the seriousness of the situation, but at the same time they tried to sound as encouraging as they could.

Justin made sure to try to calm all their fears and answer all their questions, but in the end the only thing that had really helped them had been to see Brian slowly getting better two days after his first treatment.

Luke and Gus stayed with him in the master bedroom, sitting on the big bed by Brian's side as he was resting, reading stories to him, watching TV with him or just telling him about their days. It was a different dynamic than they usually had. Usually Brian would be found playing soccer or swimming in the pool with the boys, but it seemed as if the boys had quickly adapted and had accepted that that wouldn't be possible for the time being and had just found new ways to spend time with their father.

Time that Justin knew was important to Brian as well, even though he knew that Brian was hurting because he felt like he was at fault for putting his family through all of this.

Justin could see the guilt and pain in Brian's eyes every time they settled on his exhausted eyes, but for the moment there wasn't much they could do about it. They would just have to hold on for dear life and make it through this in one piece before things could return to what they considered normal.

Thankfully Brian only had treatments scheduled once a week for 12 weeks, so he would have a couple of days of respite before his next treatment. Justin was glad for it, feeling like Brian needed that break to recharge physically just as much as mentally.

On the third night, Justin crawled into bed after he had made sure that both boys were asleep and carefully cuddled close to his partner, resting his head on Brian's shoulder.

“This okay?” he asked, still worried about hurting Brian in any way or form.

“It's nice,” Brian nodded, pulling Justin closer.

Justin wasn't quite sure how to broach the subject he needed to, but in the end he knew that he had to anyway. Brian deserved to know the truth.

“I spoke to Carl yesterday. About Michael,” he said, getting directly to the point.

He felt Brian stiffen beneath him and looked up at the man's face, trying to gauge his reaction.

“What for?”

“I told him what had happened at the hospital and... I asked him to just follow up.”

“Why?”

“For starters because I don't trust Michael,” Justin began, but was stopped by Brian.

“The hospital said they would deal with it,” Brian said, sounding incredibly exhausted.

“I know.”

“Then let them deal with it.”

“That's it?” Justin asked, not able to believe that there wasn't more coming from Brian.

“That's it,” Brian said with finality in his voice.

“You're not worried?” Justin asked incredulously.

“Worried about what? We have the restraining orders, the lawyer sent them to the hospital, they said he wouldn't be there any longer. End of story.”

“Brian...,” Justin sighed. “We haven't talked about seeing him.”

“There is nothing to talk about,” Brian said, but Justin had heard something in his voice. Something that shouldn't have been there.

“I know it hurt you to see him. Maybe... maybe we should talk about it,” Justin offered.

Brian sighed, before he carefully turned onto his side, his face now only inches away from Justin's. Justin saw the pain in those expressive hazel eyes and cursed himself for even bringing up the topic of Michael.

“Not now,” Brian said in a pleading tone. “Not... with everything else going on. I... I just can't deal with him now on top of everything else. I... can't,” Brian ended, his voice breaking on the last word.

Justin knew how much it had taken Brian to admit that and he knew how much Brian was hurting and he cursed himself for even bringing up Michael at all.

He reached out his hand and ran it through Brian's hair. “Okay.”

“I just... I don't want to waste any time or energy on him when... there is so much else going on right now,” Brian tried to explain some more and Justin could only nod. It made sense.

“It's okay. Don't worry about it. I am sorry for bringing it up.”

“Don't be sorry. I know you're just trying to help,” Brian said with a small smile, resting his hand on Justin's cheek. “I just can't. Not right now.”

Justin nodded, knowing that Brian was right. Brian was undergoing chemotherapy for his lung cancer, he had had two big surgeries in the last three weeks and was now fighting for his life to conquer the cancer in his body. As if that wasn't enough, they had Vicky to worry about, who was still in NICU, fighting for her life, fighting to get stronger day by day, little by little. On top of all that, they also still had their two sons that needed them as well and Justin knew that even though Cynthia and Ted were taking care of Kinnetik, Brian still worried about his business as well. How could he not? It was his company, his baby. All of that was way too much to deal with for a single person and Justin knew that Brian just didn't have any strength left after all of that to worry about Michael as well.

He vowed to make sure that Michael wouldn't become another worry on top of everything else. When he had spoken to Carl, Carl had promised to fill in Debbie, both him and Justin knowing that it wasn't fair to keep this encounter from her. He had promised Justin that he would give her all the details and he had also promised Justin that he would follow up with Michael's parole officer. Even though the police hadn't been involved this time and Michael had just gotten away with being reassigned to a new location by the cleaning company he worked for, it wouldn't harm to give a gentle reminder that violating the restraining orders would just end with him back in prison and that he was walking a dangerously thin line.

Unbeknownst to Justin, Carl had vowed to himself that Michael would not become a problem again. Not for Brian and Justin whom he loved like his own sons, not for Gus and Luke and Victoria whom he loved like his grandchildren and not for Debbie, the woman who had been through so much because of everything her son had caused.

Chapter 23

For the next two weeks life went on as it had the previous week in the Kinney-Taylor household with the exception that Gus and Luke were back in school now. Christmas holidays were over and the boys had returned to school.

Justin knew that it sounded horrible, but he had been glad for it. With the boys in school, he didn't have to constantly worry about them being neglected and the other members of their family didn't have to juggle their schedules as much as they had the week before.

The Kinney-Taylor family had kind of settled into a new rhythm. In the mornings, Justin would get the boys ready for school and would take them to school. He would then go to the hospital and spend time there with Victoria. Once it was time to pick up the boys from school, he would usually be relieved at the hospital by one of the grandmothers or one of the uncles who would stay with little Victoria until dinner time while Justin took his boys home and made sure to spend some time with them, helping them with their homework, studying and getting dinner on the table. Whenever Brian felt up to it, he would help with homework and studying and would spend time with the boys, trying to give Justin a bit of a break, knowing how much the younger man had on his plate.

After dinner, Justin would return to the hospital for another short visit with Vicky, making sure to be back home by bedtime, so he could say goodnight to his sons.

So far the schedule had worked okay and the only exceptions had been the days right after Brian had had his chemotherapy treatments.

On days that Brian had the treatments, Brian would join the school run and Justin would then take him to the hospital for his treatment. While Brian had the treatment, Justin would stay with Vicky in NICU. He would come to Brian's side once the treatment was finished and they would say a quick goodbye, before Justin returned to Vicky's side.

Brian usually took a cab home, still feeling quite okay for a couple of hours after the treatments had ended. By that time Justin would be back home and usually Debbie or his mom would stay with the boys while Justin took care of Brian.

Much like during that first week, Brian would experience bouts of diarrhea and vomiting by early evening and would spend most of the first night in the bathroom. The next day would always be the worst because that was when the nerve and muscle pain usually got the worst and every touch and movement caused Brian tremendous pain on top of his usual nausea.

Thankfully, his doctors had changed his oxygen mask to a cannula that gave him additonal oxygen through his nose after Brian had pointed out how pointless the mask was if he was vomiting the whole time anyway.

One positive side effect of the cannula was that the big oxygen mask was finally gone which made kissing way easier. Not that much kissing was on their agenda during those first two days after his treatments. But the other days, when Brian mostly felt exhausted, but fairly okay otherwise, they were both glad that the oxygen mask was gone.

During his second week of treatment, much to Brian's embarrassment, he had thrown up all over himself on the second day after the treatment, not making it into the bathroom in time. Justin had found him with vomit all over his shirt and their bed and had quickly helped Brian into the bathroom, cursing the older man for refusing the bucket that Justin had wanted to leave by his bedside. Damn, vain idiot, Justin muttered to himself as he stripped the bed and was ready to change the sheets.

Once he was done, he made his way into the bathroom, wanting to pick up Brian's clothes, so he could throw them into the washer with the dirty sheets.

He frowned when he saw Brian sitting on the toilet, his head in his hands, still in his dirty clothes.

“Hey,” he said quietly, not wanting to startle the older man, who looked as if he might have fallen asleep. “You okay?”

He felt relieved when he saw Brian nod, but immediately frowned again when he noticed that Brian wasn't looking at him.

“Are you sure?”

Once more all he received was a nod. He slowly made his way over to where Brian was sitting, wetting a washcloth on his way and running it over Brian's forehead gently.

“Don't. I'm disgusting,” Brian said, trying to push away Justin's hand with the washcloth.

“I don't care,” Justin said quietly, not letting Brian push his hands away and pressing the washcloth to his face anyway.

Knowing how Brian's body had been hurting all day and was sensitive to the lightest touch, Justin figured that a shower was out of the question. “How about I run you a bath?” He suggested quietly, wondering if that was something that would help Brian.

“What? So I can puke all over myself in the bathtub?” Brian spat, still not looking at Justin.

“Brian,” Justin sighed, removing the washcloth, and carefully lifting his face up, so their gazes would meet, by gently pushing up the older man's chin with his fingertip. “Stop it!” Was all he said, looking at Brian seriously.

Brian's angry eyes met his and Justin knew that more than anything, Brian was angry with himself. And most likely very embarrassed. And embarrassment had never been an emotion that Brian had been able to deal with very well.

“I told you, I am here to help. So let me help.” He held Brian's gaze for the longest time, watching the emotions on the older man's face, before he moved his hands down and started pulling up the shirt Brian was wearing, so he could put it in the washer with the rest of their sheets.

He frowned when Brian slapped his hand away, glaring at him angrily. “I can do it myself. Leave!”

“Brian, don't be an idiot. Just let me take the shirt, so I can put it in the washer with the rest of the sheets.”

“I'll do it. My mess, I'll clean it up.”

“Brian, you can barely sit up. Stop being an idiot and let me do this. It's what I am here for,” Justin said, trying very hard not to get angry at the man sitting opposite him, a picture of pure misery. He had to remind himself that Brian was only acting out like this because he was angry and embarrassed.

“You didn't sign up for this,” was all Brian said, before he looked away, trying to hide the emotions on his face.

Justin sighed, not sure what else he could do to make the man understand, in the end deciding that all he could do was just tell him the truth over and over again. As many times as was needed until Brian finally got it into his thick head.

“This is exactly what I signed up for. Through sickness and health. Through good and bad. I love you, Brian. I am here to help.”

“We're not married,” was all Brian spat at the younger man, still not looking at him, his head resting on his own chest.

“And we don't have to be for it to be true. We are a family, Brian. I love you. You helped me when I needed help after my prom and now I am here to help you when you need help. I know you hate this, but you're not getting rid of me by being mean to me. That never worked,” Justin ended, surprised that he had to chuckle when he said that.

“I am not Gus or Luke, so don't treat me like I am a child.”

“Then stop behaving like one,” Justin gave back without missing a beat, once more making Brian look at him. “I know you hate every second of this and I hate seeing how much you hate it, but you're not going to get rid of me. Get that into your thick head. I am here to stay. I don't care how often you throw up all over yourself or how much you soil yourself or our sheets or whatever. I don't care! You are not getting rid of me.”

“I haven't soiled myself,” Brian just spat back, angrily glaring at Justin, a defiant look in his eyes.

“Yeah, well. Just because it hasn't happened yet, doesn't mean it won't,” Justin said seriously, then carefully rested his hand on Brian's cheek, knowing how sensitive his skin was at the moment. “And if it happens, it won't matter. None of this matters. Just like it doesn't matter when Gus or Luke get sick all over themselves. I love all of you and I will clean up after all of you, for however long I'll have to.”

“I am not a child,” Brian only repeated, still looking beyond angry.

“Then stop behaving like one. You're worse than either Gus or Luke when they are sick. Now get over yourself and get out of that shirt, so I can throw it in the washer and run you a bath.”

Justin saw the moment Brian realised that this wasn't a fight that he could win, at least not under his current predicament and saw the moment the older man was ready to give in.

“Fine,” Brian mumbled angrily, still glaring at Justin. “But I'll run the bath myself and you can have the shirt afterwards. Now leave.”

“I will not leave,” Justin said, wondering what Brian was on about.

“I said leave. So... just leave... please,” Brian quietly said, his voice letting on to how exhausted he had to be feeling.

“Why? I've seen you in the bath before. Hell, we've done shit in the bath you can't mention to anyone,” Justin smirked, but stopped when he saw the pained expression in Brian's eyes at the mention of their former bathroom escapades. “Brian?”

“Can you please just leave?” Brian repeated, this time more firmly, his eyes levelling with Justin's confused gaze.

“Why?”

“Because I'm asking you to,” Brian sighed in exasperation.

“Not until you tell me what this is really about,” Justin stood his ground, finally having realised that this was about something else altogether. This wasn't about Brian's anger at himself or his embarrassment. This was about something that had been going on for weeks now, but Justin had been too busy and occupied with other things to really pay much attention to it and now he cursed himself for not having noticed before. He had a pretty good idea what this whole conversation was really about.

When Brian stayed quiet and refused to say anything, Justin just gently moved his hands down to the hem of Brian's shirt. “Take it off,” he said gently, looking at Brian from loving eyes.

Brian just shook his head, avoiding Justin's gaze.

“Show me,” Justin said equally quiet, still holding on to the hem of Brian's shirt.

Once again Brian only shook his head and Justin wasn't surprised to see tears on his cheeks. Brian's emotions had been all over the place for a couple of weeks now and looking at the man now, looking at his slumped form on the toilet, Justin knew that a huge part of Brian's reaction just a few minutes ago had been fear more than anything. Fear of Justin seeing his body. Justin cursed himself for only realising now that he hadn't seen Brian's naked form yet after the surgery. At first the stitches from the surgery had been covered up by bandages and afterwards Brian had always been wearing some shirt or other. And Justin had been so tired and exhausted with everything going on that he hadn't spared a single thought on the fact that Brian was suddenly wearing shirts to bed when he had never done so before. Subconsciously, Justin wondered if he had just explained it away with some surgery aftercare instructions by his doctor or if he had even thought about it at all. Whatever it was, he knew now that he should have paid attention to the fact that Brian hadn't shown him his naked body since his surgery and that it should have alerted him to something being wrong.

No, they hadn't had sex in weeks and he knew that if they had sex, he would have noticed because there was no way in hell Brian would stay clothed during sex, but with everything going on and his reduced lung capacity after his lung surgery and then the c-section and now the chemotherapy treatments, sex had been the last thing on either of their minds. Just like being naked hadn't been something that had registered on Justin's mind and for that he cursed himself.

Brian had always been a vain man. He had always prided himself on how fit he was and how well his body looked. Brian had loved the attention his looks got him and he had loved showing them off. Justin knew how important his body and looks were to Brian and he wondered why it hadn't clicked in his mind sooner that a lung surgery would leave a scar on his torso that couldn't be hidden. It would be a pretty big scar and it would stay with him for the rest of his life. Justin wondered why that thought had never crossed his mind before and then he realised why: Because it would never matter to him. He didn't care if Brian had a scar on his torso, he didn't care what Brian looked like.

Yes, the man was sexy and Justin loved the way he looked, but more than anything he loved Brian. He loved the person behind the body and he wondered if Brian was seriously scared that Justin wouldn't love him anymore once Justin saw the scar. Did Brian think so little of him?

Justin felt the anger rise inside of him, but forced himself not to act on it. He knew how insecure Brian could be on the best of days and with everything going on right now, with how much control Brian had already lost over his life and his health in particular, Justin couldn't blame the man for feeling more insecure than usual. Trying to keep that in mind, Justin forced himself to be as understanding as he could be.

“Show me,” he repeated, looking at Brian from sad, yet sincere eyes. “I wanna see.”

Brian once again just shook his head as more tears ran down his face. Justin leaned in, carefully wiping away the tears, making sure not to put too much pressure on Brian's sensitive skin. His face was only inches from Brian's when he whispered next. “You'll always be beautiful to me.”

He watched as Brian's eyes opened slowly and pained eyes met his understanding gaze. “It's hideous,” Brian whispered in a voice so small that Justin's heart broke for the man.

“It doesn't matter. What matters is in here,” Justin said equally quiet, resting his hand on Brian's chest where his heart was beating. “I don't care about the outside as long as you'll always be you on the inside. I love you. A scar on your chest won't change that.”

Brian eyed Justin for the longest time, gauging the sincerity of his words as their gazes met, Justin looking at the older man with as much love and sincerity as he could muster. In the end, Brian finally nodded, allowing Justin to lift the hem of his shirt.

He sighed as Justin carefully pulled the soiled shirt off him, once more closing his eyes, not able to face the disgust and rejection he was sure to find in the younger man's gaze once he would see the battlefield that was now Brian's chest.

There was now a large scar running right down Brian's chest and it was ugly, red and absolutely hideous as far as he was concerned.

Justin eyed the scar and wondered why this was the first time he saw it. More than 3 ½ weeks after the surgery. He should have seen it right away.

“I am sorry I didn't ask to see it before,” he said quietly, gently eying Brian's chest, tracing the scar with the lightest touch of his fingertips.

“Can't blame you. It's hideous,” Brian sighed, opening his eyes, knowing that he couldn't avoid facing Justin for all eternity. He knew this moment would come, he knew that he wouldn't be able to hide his scar forever, so might as well get it over with.

“It's not,” Justin said gently. “It's beautiful,” he whispered, looking up at Brian and meeting his gaze.

Brian did a double-take when all he could see in Justin's eyes was love and understanding.

“Maybe you need glasses, Sunshine,” Brian sighed, wondering why Justin would lie to him.

Justin just smiled and shook his head. “Nah, I don't think so. I really think it's beautiful.”

“You're weird,” Brian stated, shaking his head.

“There's nothing weird about finding it beautiful that the man you love more than anything would go to such lengths to make sure that he can stay with you,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian's face from loving eyes, before he leaned in and gently kissed the man on his lips.

“Don't. I haven't brushed my teeth yet,” Brian said, pulling back, but Justin only leaned in again, not letting Brian get away.

“I don't care,” he said, claiming the older man's lips with his own.

Once their kiss ended, leaving both of them breathless, Justin pulled back, once again tracing the scar with his fingertips. Brian saw tears in Justin's eyes when the younger man spoke.

“This will always remind me of how much you fought to stay with me. With me and our family. How could I not love that? It's the most beautiful thing in the world.”

Brian just shook his head, not quite sure if Justin was for real or if he had just lost it completely.

“You're crazy.”

“Maybe,” Justin shrugged, then locked his eyes with Brian's. “But it's how I feel. I love you and you might think this scar is hideous, but... it shows me how much you love me and our children and how much you fought to be able to stay with us. You could have just left and gone out in a blaze of glory, but you didn't. You came back to us and took on this fight. Because you love us. This scar will always remind me of how much you love us, Brian. I don't care if you hate it or not. I think it's a beautiful declaration of your love for me and our children.”

New tears ran down Brian's face, but this time they had been caused by Justin's words. He had no idea what he had done to deserve this man in his life, but he knew that he would do whatever he had to to keep him in his life for as long as he could.

“I love you, Sunshine,” he whispered, hoping that Justin would believe him.

“I know,” the younger man whispered back, smiling slightly as his fingertip once again ran over the scar.

They kissed once more, a gentle, promising kiss, before they pulled apart when Brian pulled back with a 'Fuck' on his lips, barely able to push Justin away, before he threw up once more. He had barely made it off the toilet, so he could throw up into the toilet and he cursed his stomach for the bad timing.

“Fuck!” He exclaimed once he was done, resting his head on his arms, feeling utterly exhausted and drained.

“That's one way to end a kiss,” Justin joked, back by his side with the cold wet cloth, gently running it over his face.

“Not funny,” Brian pressed out, trying to keep his nausea at bay.

Justin forced himself to be serious and got up from Brian's side, starting the bath for him. Once the bathtub had been filled, he helped his partner into the bath, helping him to find a comfortable position in the warm water.

Brian watched as Justin's eyes ran over his body and he recognised the lust he saw in the young man's eyes. He felt the same lust, but his damn body just wouldn't act on it. Brian had wanted to show Justin for weeks now how much he loved him and his support, but his body just wouldn't follow through.

It had been weeks since they had last had sex and with everything going on, it had probably been the last thing on either of their minds, but watching Justin's eyes now as they ran over his naked body under the water, he wished that he could do something to show the younger man how much he loved him and appreciated his support.

Justin's fingers lazily ran through the water, every so often gently and very carefully touching Brian's arms and Brian stopped him when his fingers touched his arms once more.

“Sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you,” Justin said sincerely, looking at Brian from sad eyes.

“You didn't, it's just...,” Brian sighed, wondering if he should bring this up now or should just leave it be. 'Well, what the hell?', he thought to himself, thinking about everything else they had already talked about that day, knowing that this was something he needed to say to Justin anyway, so he might as well say it rather sooner than later. 

“I... I can't. It's just not possible right now.”

“I know,” Justin said, his voice full of understanding, immediately knowing what Brian was talking about. If he hadn't known, Brian's longing look would have been enough to let him know.

“I... I am not sure I'll be able to for... a long time... With... the radiation, it took weeks before I was able to... and... there's ten more weeks of this shit, so... it might be... a while,” Brian said haltingly, looking at Justin from insecure eyes.

“I know,” Justin only said again, looking at Brian from understanding eyes. “Don't worry about it.”

“If you want... I guess... it's only fair... that you, you know? I mean... you're not sick and... of course you have... needs, so... I guess, it's okay if you want to... you know?” Brian said, clearly fighting to get out the words.

If the conversation hadn't been that serious, Justin would have laughed, but it was that serious, so he just eyed Brian from questioning eyes.

“Are you saying what I think you're saying?” Justin asked with a raised eyebrow, not sure if he should feel angry or not. He felt slightly pissed off by what Brian was saying.

“If you want to get your needs met, it's okay with me if you... look somewhere else,” Brian pressed out, not looking at Justin. They had been monogamous for years now, ever since they had gotten back together, but he knew that it wasn't fair to keep Justin in a monogamous relationship under their current circumstances. Justin was young, healthy and had needs. It was only fair that he would get his needs met while Brian couldn't help him with that. And God knew how long it would be again before Brian could. It just wasn't fair to ask Justin to be celibate while Brian was sick.

“You are lucky that I am still feeling sorry for your ass because of what happened earlier,” Justin said angrily, pulling his hands out of the water as he glared at Brian. “Otherwise you might not make it out of this bathtub alive.”

“Justin...,” Brian started, realising how angry Justin seemed to be.

“How dare you? How dare you fucking think so little of me? I thought I had made it pretty clear that I loved you and that you were not getting rid of me through all of this. Do you really think I would go out and seek out other men while you're here, sick and fighting for your life? Do you really think so little of me?”

“Justin,” Brian tried once more, but it was obvious that Justin wasn't listening. “That's not what I meant.”

“Oh, that's exactly what you meant. Well, Mr Kinney, let me tell you something: I love you. I am so fucking worried that you might not make it through this, I am so fucking worried that our daughter might not make it through this. I am so fucking worried that Luke and Gus won't be okay with everything that's going on in our lives right now. Do you really think that having sex is even a blip on my radar right now? Do you really think that I have any strength left to worry about getting off?”

Justin glared at Brian, daring him to say something.

“I just want you to know that... I understand.”

“You understand nothing. If our roles were reversed, if it was me being sick and you having to take care of everything... would you go out seeking sex? Would you?” Justin challenged.

Brian met his gaze head on and after the longest time, he shook his head. Yes, he had been that person once and yes, he would have done this years ago. Having sex had been his method of pain management and he remembered only too well how he had gone off the deep end after Justin had been attacked at his prom. How he had buried his cock in meaningless asses and mouths so he wouldn't have to confront his feelings and emotions at the time, but that had been the old him. He had given up sex as a method of pain management years ago. Ever since he had given birth to Luke and ever since Gus had started living with him, ever since he had gone to therapy and confronted his demons, he had changed. That person was no longer him and he knew that if their roles were reversed, if Justin's life was in danger and he had his children to worry about sex would be the last thing on his mind. He knew that his sole focus would be on Justin and his children and not sex. He knew that he wouldn't even spare a second on meaningless sex and he really shouldn't have been surprised by Justin's reaction.

Justin had never been into tricking as much as he had been and Justin had never needed meaningless sex like he had. Why would he now all of a sudden? The more Brian thought about it, the less it made sense to himself.

“I am sorry, Sunshine,” he said quietly.

Justin's gaze softened and he returned to his place at Brian's side, his fingers once again gently running through the warm water.

“I guess I should be grateful for your offer and that you would even consider it, but... it's the last thing on my mind right now, Brian.”

Brian nodded, realising that Justin was right. “I just wanted...”

“I know,” Justin said sincerely, looking at Brian from warm, loving eyes. “And I appreciate it, but... we'll be fine. We'll figure it out between the two of us,” Justin said, before he leaned in. “You better not throw up again,” he joked before he closed the distance and met Brian's lips in a soft and tender kiss.

Brian chuckled into the kiss, doing his best to keep the nausea at bay and kissing Justin, showing him how much he loved him and appreciated everything he was doing for him right now.

Chapter 24

“Brian, honey? We need to talk,” Debbie said, glancing at the man who was lying on the sofa in the living-room, obviously just having woken up from a nap a short time ago.

Brian looked back at her and frowned when he saw her serious expression. He frowned even more when he saw Jennifer right at Debbie's side, wearing an equally serious expression.

“What's going on?” He asked, still feeling tired and exhausted, despite the nap he'd just had. Thankfully his latest chemo treatment had already been four days ago, so the nausea and vomiting had passed, but he still felt so incredibly tired all the time. Tired enough to make him fall asleep several times a day even though he was doing absolutely nothing.

“Can you sit up?” Jennifer asked, her expression still serious. “As Debbie said, we need to talk.”

“Did something happen?” Brian asked, worry immediately creeping into his voice as he slowly sat up. “Is it Vicky?”

“It is about Vicky, but not what you think. Calm down, she's alright,” Debbie said quietly, immediately recognising the worry in Brian's voice for what it was.

Once Brian had sat up, he looked from Debbie to Jennifer and watched as both women sat down on the sofa across from him and eyed him with still serious expressions. He didn't like this one bit.

“Okay, what's going on? What's with this grandmother inquisition?” He asked, having a feeling that both grandmothers were somehow ganging up on him. Why else would they both be there and needed to talk to him? Why else would they both be so serious and wouldn't even have a gentle look or smile for him? Something was going on and he wasn't sure if he liked it.

“We know that you have a lot on your plate right now,” Debbie started, her voice sounding more loving now that she was addressing him directly.

“You think?” Brian asked sarcastically, wondering what this was about.

Debbie didn't let his sarcasm stop her and just went on unperturbedly. “What with the surgery, the chemo, taking care of the boys and everything. Not to even mention Michael in all of this,” she sighed, reaching out her hand and taking his and squeezing it. Carl had told her about Brian's and Justin's run in with Michael at the chemotherapy centre. Even though neither men had mentioned that run in to her, she knew Brian well enough to know that it would bother him and would be on his mind even now.

“I am fine,” Brian spat, putting his mask in place, not willing to show either woman how he was really feeling. How exhausted he was by everything, how scared he was of not winning this fight, how sick and tired he was of being sick and not being up to his usual form, how worried he was for his sons and daughter and Justin and everything he was putting them through. They didn't need to know all of that. It was enough that these constant thoughts were plaguing his mind and were bothering him and to some extent Justin, as much as he was aware of what was going on in Brian's mind. There was no reason to get the grandmothers involved as well, getting them to make him talk about his feelings as well. He was grateful for their support and their help with the boys and Vicky, but that was it. He didn't need their support and he was doing just fine on his own. Or so he wanted to make them believe.

“You're not,” Jennifer said quietly, her eyes filled with concern for him and his well-being. “And how could you be with everything that's going on? We know you're not.”

“I am fine,” Brian just repeated, looking from one woman to the other. “Is that it? Are we done now?” He asked as he got up, ready to flee the room for somewhere where he would be on his own and they wouldn't annoy him, trying to make him talk about something he didn't want to talk about.

“No, we're not done,” Jennifer said, her voice sounding slightly angry now.

“Sit your ass down,” Debbie added, sounding equally frustrated with him. “I said, sit down!” She repeated, when Brian made no move to listen.

“Look, whatever this was supposed to be, let's not do this again,” Brian muttered, making his way out of the room. Just as he had reached the doorway to the hallway, he heard Jennifer's quiet voice and her question made him stop in his tracks.

“Why haven't you been to see your daughter yet?”

Brian turned around, angrily glaring at Justin's mother. “Excuse me?”

“Brian,” Debbie started, trying to defuse the situation and to calm him down. “Please, sit down.”

“Why?” He asked, glaring at her as well, not liking how she had teamed up with Jennifer to gang up on him.

“Because we want an answer and... I think it's better if we talk about this calmly.”

“This?” Brian asked, feeling anger flare up once more. “This? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? You two ganging up on me now? And for what? Something you have known all along? In case you haven't noticed, I am going through fucking chemotherapy right now. There you have your answer. Happy now?” He spat, glaring at both women, daring them to say more.

Jennifer kept staring at him, holding his gaze without flinching or blinking. “Let's cut the bullshit, Brian. We all know that's not the reason.”

“You know nothing,” Brian replied, feeling incredibly tired of this conversation already, even though it had hardly started.

“Why don't we talk about this calmly?” Debbie suggested once more, looking at Brian from pleading eyes. “Just sit down, honey.”

“There is nothing to talk about,” Brian said, ready to turn around once more and leave the room.

“Justin hasn't figured it out yet. And with everything going on... I am not surprised. He's got so much going on. He's running himself ragged trying to take care of everyone and everything. But... just because he hasn't figured it out, doesn't mean that we haven't either,” Jennifer said calmly.

Brian turned around, glaring at the blond woman that he had come to regard as a second mother in recent years. “And what is it that you think you have figured out, Mother Taylor?”

“We know why you haven't been to see Vicky yet,” Debbie stated calmly, watching Brian from worried eyes.

“Yes, I told you. I am going through a fucking chemotherapy right now.”

“Brian, don't lie to us and more importantly, don't lie to yourself,” Jennifer said, watching him closely as he eyed her and Debbie. “This has nothing to do with the chemotherapy.”

“Okay, Mother Taylor. Then why don't you enlighten me as to what this is really about? In your opinion?”

“Brian,” Debbie sighed, trying once more to defuse the situation. “Lets talk about this calmly.”

“There is nothing to talk about. So either get out what you want to say or leave me the fuck alone.”

“Guilt.”

It was one word, it had been stated quietly and without any emotion. But there it was. Out in the open.

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Brian said, but now it sounded weak even to his own ears. He leaned against the doorframe, trying to get some strength from there, not sure why that one word had felt like an invisible punch to his gut and why that one word affected him so much.

Brian watched as Jennifer got up and walked over to him, looking at him from worried eyes. She reached out a hand and rested it on his shoulder, squeezing in support.

“You are blaming yourself for what she's going through, but Brian, none of this is your fault.”

“You don't know what you're talking about,” he said, sounding weaker by the second. Damn, when had it become that easy for people to read him? When had he become an open book to everyone? Bad enough that Justin could read him on the best of days, but Debbie and Jennifer as well?

“We've been through this before, honey. Lets not do this again. Don't do this again to yourself,” Debbie said quietly and Brian wondered when she had come over as well. Why were both women now standing so close to him?

He just hugged himself, trying to put up the walls and the mask on his face, not feeling like discussing this with Debbie and Jennifer. “It's none of your business,” he spat, hoping that they would leave him alone and would let it rest. This was none of their concern.

“That's where you are wrong,” Jennifer replied calmly and Brian frowned. Damn, had he said that aloud? Fuck!

“It is our concern. It is my concern. My son is running himself into exhaustion, Brian. He's trying to do everyone right and he's not taking care of himself. Have you looked at him? Have you really looked at him recently?” Jennifer asked and Brian could easily hear the pain and worry in her voice.

He knew what she was talking about. He had seen the rings under Justin's eyes. He had seen that Justin was beyond exhausted at times and how could he not be? He was basically taking care of the boys, of Brian, of their daughter. He was running their whole lives right now while having to deal with his own emotions. Brian knew that Justin was worried about him, his health and most of all about losing him. Brian knew that Justin was scared beyond anything for the wellbeing of their children, most of all Vicky's. He knew all of that, but he didn't know what he was supposed to do to get him to take a break.

“I tried to get him to take a break. He won't listen,” he said weakly, not looking at either woman.

“No, he won't,” Jennifer said, her voice surprisingly gentle. “So you make him!”

“How?” Brian asked, looking up from confused eyes. “He's not listening to me!”

“Make him by sharing his burden,” Debbie said, looking at him from sad eyes. “Do your part.”

“My part? What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“I know that this is hard, Brian. I know that you have so much going on yourself, but... go and see Victoria,” Debbie said quietly, yet her voice was more serious than Brian had heard it in a long time.

“I can't! I am going through,” he started, but was interrupted by her right away.

“Chemotherapy,” she sighed. “Yeah, we know. You've said so before.”

“It's the fucking truth. What the fuck is wrong with you? You were here two days ago. You saw me vomiting and in pain.”

“Yes, yes, I did, honey,” she said sadly, reaching out a hand to run through his hair. “I did and I wish I didn't have to.”

“Brian, no one is saying that you're not going through a lot right now, but... we both know you and if Justin weren't so busy and exhausted right now, he would see it as well, because he knows you as well. Nothing, not even a chemotherapy would keep Brian Kinney away from his children!” Jennifer said seriously.

“Honey,” Debbie added, her voice quiet and calm. “We know that you blame yourself for what Vicky is going through. We know that you blame yourself for what Justin and the boys are going through. We have known you long enough to know how your mind works, but... this is nothing to blame yourself for. Did you want to get sick? Did you ask to get cancer while you were pregnant? Did you ask to have your daughter born at 26 weeks instead of having her born at the end of the pregnancy?”

Brian stayed quiet, not saying anything. He wasn't looking at the women either and just pulled his arms tighter around himself as if to hug himself. He was desperately trying to keep his emotions together and not to let them win.

“This is not your fault, Brian. You didn't ask for any of this and none of what is happening right now is of your doing,” Debbie added quietly.

“I should have just left,” he said quietly, his voice hardly above a whisper and at first Jennifer and Debbie weren't sure if he had said anything at all.

“What?” Jennifer asked, not sure if she had heard correctly.

“When... when I first found out. I... I wanted to leave. Somewhere far away, so... so Justin and the boys wouldn't ever have to deal with any of this shit,” he said helplessly, cursing himself when he felt the emotions win against the walls he had tried to erect and pulling them down one by one. He cursed when he felt the first tears in his eyes.

“And then?” Debbie asked, eying him closely. “What good would that have done them?”

“They wouldn't have had to deal with any of this,” Brian cried helplessly. “They wouldn't have had to see me like this. Justin wouldn't have had to worry about me and Vicky and the boys... it would have been easier on everyone...”

Debbie just shook her head. “For someone so incredibly smart, you are a damn fool sometimes.”

Brian glared at her, but didn't reply.

“What good do you think that would have done them?”

“They wouldn't have to worry about me now.”

“No, instead they would have to wonder why you didn't love them enough to stick around. Why you would abandon them? Why they weren't enough to make you stay in their lives...,” Jennifer replied, feeling anger rise inside of her.

“They would have moved on,” Brian replied helplessly.

“If you think that, you have no idea how much Justin and the boys love you,” she replied seriously, looking directly at the man in front of her.

“Well, I didn't leave, so no point discussing what if's, right?” Brian shot back, glaring at the blond woman.

“Why didn't you?” Debbie asked, looking at the man across from her from worried, caring eyes. She knew why, but she wanted him to admit it.

When he stayed quiet and didn't reply, she repeated her question. “Why, Brian?”

He just shrugged, avoiding looking at her.

“Because you love them. Just as much as they love you,” she supplied, not surprised when he didn't contradict her and just stayed quiet.

She reached out a hand and caressed his cheek, gently wiping away his tears. “And you love Victoria as well.”

“Of course, I do! She's my daughter.”

“Then go and see her. Right now your daughter needs you,” Debbie said seriously, never stopping to caress his cheek. “Your daughter is fighting for her life and she needs you, Brian. Don't abandon her now.”

“I am not abandoning her,” he replied weakly, more tears leaving his eyes. “There's nothing I can do for her.”

Debbie smiled to herself, despite the seriousness of the situation. “Yeah, I've heard that one before. And guess what. Turns out that didn't keep you away from Sunshine either, huh?”

Brian's eyes shot up in surprise and met Debbie's gentle eyes. “Yeah, I know,” she admitted which immediately made Brian turn to Jennifer and eye her in silent accusation.

She held his gaze, her voice quiet when she spoke. “While you had your surgery to remove the tumour, we got talking and... I thought he knew. I thought you had told him. I didn't think it was a secret.”

Brian felt angry, ready to lash out at Jennifer for telling Justin about this, but knew that he had no right to. She was right. It wasn't a secret and he probably should have told Justin a long time ago. It had just never felt like the right time and really, what did it matter? It had all happened so many years ago and so much other stuff had happened since then. Did it really matter? Probably not, he mused, or else Justin would have brought it up by now and he hadn't either.

“That's different,” he said weakly, after staying quiet for the longest time.

“Is it?” Jennifer asked. “From what I can see, both times you were feeling guilty for something that was not your fault and chose to stay away when you would have been needed.”

Brian raised an eyebrow. “Really? That's rich coming from you. I didn't hear you complain back in the day when I stayed away. Quite on the contrary. I remember a conversation where you asked me to leave him alone and stay away. I thought you would have been happy about that,” he replied angrily.

To Jennifer's credit, she held his gaze and nodded. “Yeah, I was. At the time. But I was wrong. I know that now. I didn't know you back then and I didn't know how much you loved Justin. I know better now,” she said seriously. “I know you now. And I don't want you to make that same mistake again.”

“Jennifer is right, Brian. You can't make that same mistake again. Your daughter needs you. She needs you by her side just as Justin needs you. He can't do this alone. Honey, I know we're asking a lot. I know you're going through a lot right now, but... your daughter needs you! Your partner needs you! Your sons need you! You didn't just leave them because you love them. It's the reason you stayed and took on this incredibly hard fight. So show them. Show them that you love them and be there. Be a part of their life. Don't pull away from them when they need you in their lives. Show them that you are still here. You are still a part of this family! Despite whatever shit life is throwing at you. You are a family and you can do this together.”

Brian was quiet for the longest time, then looked at Debbie from scared eyes. “I am not sure I can.”

“Of course you can, honey. You are the strongest man I have ever seen. And you have all of us to support you. Let us help when it gets too much. When life gets too hard, let us step up and support you.”

“You all have your own lives and own shit to deal with.”

“So what? Taking care of someone else makes for a nice change from our own shit,” Debbie said with a smile on her face, pulling Brian closer, taking the man into one of her well known bear hugs. “We love you, honey. Your family loves you. You are not alone!”

Brian allowed her to hug him and once she released him, he was pulled into another hug by Jennifer right away.

“You are a good man, Brian. A great father. It's time your daughter gets to meet you as well!” She whispered and Brian knew that she was right.

He knew that both Debbie and Jennifer were right. He knew that he should have been there weeks ago and should have seen his daughter before, but he just hadn't been strong enough to see her. After all, if it hadn't been for him getting sick, she wouldn't be fighting for her life now. No matter what anyone said, he knew it was his fault that she was in the hospital, too small, too light and attached to machines. It was his fault and he had been a coward and had been too scared to see the pain he had caused firsthand. But maybe they were right. Maybe it was time he went and saw her. Maybe they were right and maybe she needed him. Maybe he could support her and help her and could make up for his part in this rough start to life that she had had. Maybe with him being there and supporting her, he could make up for his part in all of this. Maybe it would also help to lift some of the burden on Justin's shoulders right now. The man was running himself into exhaustion taking care of everyone and everything and maybe they were right, maybe it was time that Brian got out of his slump and stopped acting like he was too sick and weak to be a part of this family. He was Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake. His family needed him and he would be damned if he wasn't there for them when they needed him.

He felt a new resolve manifest itself in his body and took a deep breath before he eyed both women warily. “Thanks for kicking my ass,” he said seriously. “I'll do better. I promise.”

“Don't let the cancer win when it hasn't,” Debbie said sincerely. “You still have a life away from it, honey.”

Brian nodded, knowing that she was right. He couldn't let his sickness take over his whole life and his family's life. Yes, of course it was a huge part of their lives, but it wasn't everything. They were still a family and they still had things to take care of that weren't connected to his cancer. The boys still had school, his daughter was still in hospital fighting for her life and needed all the support she could get and there was Justin, poor, exhausted Justin. Brian had left him alone to deal with everything which wasn't fair. Yes, he was sick and the chemotherapy was taking a huge toll on him, but to be fair, there were also days when he was mostly doing okay. Just feeling a bit tired and exhausted, but not particularly sick. At least on those days he could be a part of his family more than he had been in recent weeks. At least on those days he could make sure that the cancer hadn't won yet and that he was still there and fighting!

“Thank you,” he said sincerely, eyeing both women gratefully.

He would do better, he vowed to himself. His family deserved that. All of them, including his daughter.

Feeling the new resolve run through his body, Brian felt better than he had in weeks.

He allowed both women to hug him once more, feeling grateful for their intervention. Maybe it had just been what he had needed.

Chapter 25

“Hmmmm,” Justin sighed happily, when he felt Brian's hand move down from his stomach to his groin and felt it settle on his dick. “Brian?”

“Shhhhhh, just enjoy,” Brian whispered, as his hand wrapped around Justin's penis and started rubbing up and down its length. He slowly felt it come to life and felt it harden in his his hands which caused him to smile. “Good?”

“Hmmmmmm, very good,” Justin murmured happily, slowly moving onto his back, so he could look at Brian and Brian would have better access at the same time.

Their eyes met and Brian could see the longing in Justin's exhausted eyes.

When Justin had returned home from the hospital, Brian had taken the time to look at his partner and even though he had noticed it before, he had been shocked when he had seen how exhausted Justin really looked. He had rings under his eyes, his cheeks were sunken in and it was obvious that Brian hadn't been the only one losing weight in recent weeks. He had cursed himself for not paying more attention before and for not forcing Justin to take a break before, but he knew that there was nothing he could do about that now. It was too late for that. All he could do now was to make sure that Justin would get his breaks from now on. And to make sure that the younger man would know how much Brian appreciated having him around through all this shit they were constantly living through. And this impromptu handjob was just his first way of saying sorry for how much he had left Justin alone to deal with everything in recent weeks.

Debbie and Jennifer had been right. Yes, he was going through a lot and he had the chemotherapy and the surgery to recover from, but he wasn't dead yet. He was still a part of this family and he would be damned if he acted like he was already gone and didn't pull his weight. At least on days when he could. Things would change and tonight was the first night of a new way forward.

Brian kissed Justin lazily and continued with the handjob until he felt Justin tense up underneath him, his body showing that he was close to shooting his load.

Sure enough, a few seconds later Justin came all over Brian's hand and tried to slowly get his ragged breathing back under control.

“Jeez... that was...,” Justin whispered, lazily looking up at Brian from loving eyes. “Thank you,” he said seriously, a few seconds later.

“You are most welcome,” Brian whispered sincerely, leaning down once more for a quick kiss, before he slowly made his way out of the bed and picked up a washcloth from their ensuite. He quickly cleaned up his hand and Justin's groin and stomach, before returning to bed where his partner was already close to sleep.

“Sorry...s-s-so tired. Was great,” Justin mumbled, trying to keep his eyes open as he spoke to Brian, cuddling into him. “W-want me to...?” He started, but then never continued.

Brian wondered what Justin was about to offer, seeing how his own dick was still out of comission and hadn't shown any signs of life since his chemotherapy had started, but he appreciated the thought, especially seeing how tired Justin was. He couldn't help but smile gently at the man in his arms when he realised that the blond had been so exhausted that he had fallen asleep before finishing his question.

Listening to the even breathing of the man in his arms, Brian sighed, leaving a soft kiss on the blond hair in front of him.

“I am sorry, Sunshine. I'll do better from now on. I promise,” he whispered, having every intention of keeping that promise that he had made to his partner and to himself.

Brian tried to settle down as well, tried to sleep himself, but no matter what he did, sleep wouldn't come. He was turning around for two hours, before he finally gave up and cursed his stupid body. He had taken several naps during the day, feeling so exhausted and now he couldn't sleep? That was fucked up.

After a while of trying to read some magazine or other and trying to watch some mindless late night TV in the living-room, Brian gave up, knowing that the cause for his sleepless night was something else. It had nothing to do with being tired or not, it had everything to do with the conversation that he had had with Debbie and Jennifer earlier and some of the things they had said that still went through his head.

Knowing that sleep would evade him, no matter how much he tried, Brian finally gave up and quietly got himself dressed. He left the house without either Justin or the boys noticing.

He had left a note for Justin, in case he woke up and wondered where Brian had disappeared to, but really hoped that the blond would just sleep. He looked like he really needed it.

After 15 minutes Brian arrived at his destination and took a deep breath as he parked the car and got out. He hadn't expected to be back, at least not for another three days, until it was time for his next treatment, but here he was, back at the hospital once more.

He made his way inside, quite surprised by how many people were still rushing through the hospital halls even though it was close to midnight.

He followed the signs to the NICU and frowned when he stood outside a closed door and couldn't seem to find a way to get past that door.

“Can I help you?”

Brian looked away from the door and turned to the young nurse that watched him suspiciously as he stood outside the door, clearly looking for a way inside.

“I was actually looking for a way in. I am here to see my daughter,” he explained quietly, eyeing her still suspicious expression.

“Visiting hours are from 7am-10pm in the NICU. Maybe you want to come back tomorrow?”

Brian's shoulders slumped. Stupid! Why hadn't he thought of visiting hours? Of course! This was a hospital and a NICU. Sure parents were encouraged to be with their children, but he had been stupid to assume they could just walk in at all hours of the night.

“Uhm, yeah... Sorry about that. I wasn't aware,” he offered, hanging his head. So much for his good intentions of making true on his promise to go and see his daughter.

The nurse eyed him, noticing the slumped shoulders and his disappointed expression. “Who is your daughter?” she asked, her voice gentle.

“Victoria Rose Kinney-Taylor,” he said, looking up at her from glassy eyes. “She's in NICU and... I just wanted to see her,” he admitted.

The nurse walked over to his side, nodding slowly. “You must be Mr Kinney then. Justin has mentioned you,” she said, a small smile on her face. “Are you feeling better? He mentioned that the surgery and chemo had taken quite a toll on you,” she inquired, her voice sounding sincere.

Justin? Brian frowned. Why was he not surprised that the twat was already on a first name basis with the nurse? Only Justin would become friends with the nurses taking care of their daughter.

When Brian didn't reply to her statement, obviously deep in thought, she extended her hand to him. “I am Maggie, the night nurse. I usually come in around the time when he's leaving, so we always have a quick chat about how Vicky has been doing that day.”

Brian shook his head, trying to concentrate on the nurse in front of him. “Brian,” he said, shaking her hand in greeting.

“You haven't been here before, have you?” Maggie asked, looking at Brian from understanding eyes.

Brian shook his head, not feeling like going into any explanations as to why he hadn't been by in the last 3 ½ weeks. Surprisingly, Maggie didn't seem to care and just nodded. Well, apparently she knew about his cancer and chemotherapy, so maybe she had already come to her own conclusions.

“Uhm, sorry to bother you this late. I'll just come back in tomorrow with Justin,” Brian said quietly, making to turn around and leave.

When Maggie saw his hunched shoulders and the disappointment on his face, she made a spur of the moment decision right there and then.

“Brian? How about I just take you in for a minute or two? It would be a pity if you came all this way for nothing, right?”

Brian turned around and looked at her from hopeful eyes. “Would that be okay?” He asked, not sure how many rules she would be breaking, but really wanting to see his daughter.

“Yeah, don't worry about it. Follow me,” she said, as she took a key card and swiped it through a reader next to the door. When a green light lit up, she pulled the door open and pulled him inside the NICU.

She led him down a hallway to a small room where she handed him a medical gown and some gloves, explaining how many of the premature babies in the NICU had issues with their immune systems not being developed properly yet and how this was for their protection.

Brian quickly put on the gown and the gloves, then followed her to a glass door. He could see several incubators through the door and wondered if his daughter was in one of them.

Maggie opened the door, then led him over to the incubator that had his daughter lying inside. For the first time he saw their baby, their beautiful daughter and what he saw brought tears to his eyes.

Justin had told him how small she was, he had told him how she weighed almost nothing, but seeing her small form now, seeing her attached to all these different machines that helped her stay alive, shook him.

He did a double take as he took in her thin legs, her tiny hands, her head which was covered by a bandage over her eyes and saw the infusions and tubes sticking into her.

Maggie noticed his reaction and stayed close by. She knew that it was hard for parents to see their small babies like that for the first time. She had seen it in many parents of premature babies before and was not surprised by the reaction.

Trying to not make a bigger deal out of it than she had to, she just spoke quietly to the man at her side.

“She's a real fighter. She has already put on some weight and is slowly growing.”

“Is she in pain?” Brian asked, his voice hardly audible as he tried to speak, feeling too shocked by the sight in front of him.

“No, she's not. She's well taken care of and not in any kind of pain. She's been doing really well today,” Maggie said, her voice sounding as encouraging as it could when she saw Brian's reaction, knowing that the man needed the reassurance.

“Can I speak to her? Can she hear me?” He asked quietly, his hand touching the glass of the incubator, looking at the small baby inside in wonder. His beautiful daughter who had been given such a hard start into her life, yet according to the nurse was doing well for now.

“Absolutely. Many parents talk to their children, read to them. I know that Justin loves telling her stories about her brothers and you. She always seems calmer when he speaks to her and her breathing and heart rate calm down considerably.”

Brian stored away that information and nodded at the nurse.

“How about I give you a few minutes alone?” she suggested, then moved away from his side over to some of the other children to check on them while he stayed next to his daughter's incubator.

“Hey,” Brian said quietly, his hand resting on the top of the incubator, the closest he could get to touching his daughter. “I am your daddy. I am sorry I didn't come before to see you. Life is just... hard at the moment, you know? I know that your Papa has been by every day and has taken good care of you. And your grandmothers and uncles and aunties. You are much loved, but... I want you to know that I love you as well. I love you more than anything and I promise that from now on, I will come by and see you more often as well. I'll be by your side and will help you whenever you need my help, okay, princess? You can always count on me and your papa. We love you so much, you have no idea.”

As he was speaking to her, tears ran down his cheeks and he angrily wiped them away, cursing himself for feeling so emotional.

“I am not usually like this,” he told her quietly, his eyes never leaving her small body. “There is just so much going on right now and... I am really scared, you know? Really scared that you won't be okay and that it's my fault. I am sorry that you're stuck here and I wish there was something I could do to change it, but I can't, so I promise that from now on I will come by as often as I can and will help you in any way I can, okay, baby girl?”

Brian smiled slightly when he saw a small movement of his daughter's fist. He knew it was probably unrelated to what he had said, but he took it as a sign anyway that she had heard him.

“I love you, Vicky! More than life itself.”

After a few more minutes Maggie came back to his side and Brian reluctantly left his daughter's side, knowing that he had already been in NICU much longer than he should have been outside of visiting hours.

They left the room together and she gave Brian a quick update on Vicky's condition as he removed the gown and gloves. “She's been doing really well in recent days and has recovered well from the surgery. She truly is a little fighter and the doctors are very optimistic that she'll make a full recovery and will grow up a healthy little baby girl.”

“Surgery?” Brian frowned, looking at her in confusion.

“For the NEC, the Necrotizing enterocolitis. She had the surgery three days ago.”

When Brian just stared at her blankly, she frowned, but continued. “Some premature babies develop this intestinal problem two to three weeks after birth. The bowel may become damaged when its blood supply is reduced. Bacteria that are normally present in the bowel invade the damaged area, causing more damage, which can lead to feeding difficulties, abdominal swelling, and other complications. We tried treating it with antibiotics, but when that didn't help, she had surgery to remove the damaged sections of her bowel. I am sure Justin must have mentioned it. He was very worried for her and very nervous about the surgery.”

Not wanting her to know that he was unaware of any surgery, Brian nodded slowly. “Yeah, he did mention it. I am sorry. With the chemo and everything, I just can't seem to think straight at times,” he tried to explain his confusion away.

Maggie nodded, but he could see the doubtful expression on her face.

“I guess I better head home now. I've kept you from your work long enough. Thanks for letting me see her at this hour of night, Maggie. I promise from now on I'll keep to normal visiting hours,” Brian promised with one of his most charming smiles, not surprised when the nurse lost her doubtful expression and smiled back at him.

“You are welcome, Brian. Give Justin my best,” she said, before she headed back to the room with the incubators and left Brian to make his way back to the car park.

A surgery. He was absolutely sure that Justin hadn't mentioned any surgery and he couldn't help but wonder why. She had said it had taken place three days ago, which would have been on the first day after his chemotherapy. Could it be that Justin had mentioned it and he just hadn't realised it with all the side effects he had been dealing with at the time? He doubted it, but he couldn't say for sure that Justin had kept this surgery from him. But, if he had kept it from him, the question was: Why?

Brian made his way back home and quietly got back into the house. He was relieved to see that Justin and the boys were still asleep. Justin looked as if he hadn't moved at all and Brian hoped that the blond was finally getting some much needed sleep.

Once he lay down back in bed, he pulled the younger man close, holding him tight in his embrace. He kept thinking about the surgery and any mention of a surgery some more, but absolutely couldn't remember anything about Justin mentioning that something was wrong with Vicky. To be fair, Brian couldn't really remember him talking about her much after their first day at the hospital where he had broken down in Brian's arms. Justin would usually claim that she was fine, if Brian asked and if he didn't, Justin wouldn't say anything about her either. Brian couldn't help but wonder why, but the more he thought about it, the more he didn't like where his thoughts were going.

After another hour of thinking, he finally fell into an exhausted sleep.

Chapter 26

“Brian? Brian, where are you?” Brian heard Justin calling for him and raised his head from the file he was looking at.

“In the office,” he replied, not surprised to see his partner in his office a couple of seconds later.

“Where are Gus and Luke?” Justin asked, his voice a mixture between panicked and confused.

“In school. Where else would they be?” Brian asked, frowning.

“Who took them?” Justin asked, looking at Brian from wide eyes.

“I did,” the older man offered, looking at the blond from gentle eyes.

“Why didn't you wake me?” Justin questioned, his eyes looking at Brian accusingly.

“You seemed like you needed the sleep. You looked absolutely exhausted, so I thought I would let you sleep in.”

“It's noon, Brian,” Justin exclaimed in frustration.

“I guess I was right and you needed that sleep,” the older man just replied with a shrug.

“What about Vicky? She's all alone at the hospital,” Justin sighed, once more looking at Brian accusingly.

“Your mother is with her. She's fine.”

“You should have woken me,” Justin glared, daring his partner to say something which of course he did.

“You were exhausted, Justin. You needed a break. So here is your break. Stop queening out about it and be grateful.”

“Grateful?” Justin raised an eyebrow, then glared at Brian. “I should have been at the hospital for hours. And what about Gus and Luke? They needed me to get them breakfast and take them to school.”

Brian got up from his seat and walked over to where Justin was standing, still glaring at him. He stopped in front of the man and ran a hand through Justin's blond locks.

“I got them breakfast and got them ready for school. They made it in time, no harm done. Your mom was only too happy to spend some time with her granddaughter and will be relieved after lunch by Emmett. Everything is taken care of, everyone is fine, so just take a deep breath and enjoy your break.”

“I don't need a break,” Justin huffed, glaring some more when Brian just raised an eyebrow.

“Have you looked in the mirror recently? You were absolutely exhausted, Sunshine. Your cheeks are sunken in, you have rings under your eyes, damn, you have probably lost more weight than I have in recent weeks,” Brian exclaimed, though it was easy to hear the worry and concern in his voice.

And Justin heard it. He met Brian's gaze, his eyes softening at the concern he heard in the older man's voice. “I am fine.”

“No, you're not. You needed a break, here is your break.”

“Brian, there is just a lot going on right now. I am fine.”

“I know that there is a lot going on, but... you have been trying to shoulder everything on your own, to take care of everyone and everything on your own and I guess it's my fault for not realising that sooner and stopping you. But I have realised it now and I am stopping you now. You can't go on like this, Sunshine.”

“Brian, I am...,” Justin started, but never got further.

“Fine. Yeah, I know. I am the one that invented the phrase and I know bullshit when I hear it. If you were fine, you wouldn't have slept for more than 14 hours straight.”

Justin hung his head. “I guess I must have been more tired than I realised.”

“Yeah,” Brian huffed, then pulled Justin close into a crushing hug. “I need you to take care of yourself, Sunshine. I can't deal with you getting sick as well. Not on top of everything else,” Brian whispered, his voice betraying his real emotions.

“Brian, it's nothing. I was just tired,” Justin tried to reassure the older man, hugging him back. He wasn't blind to the worry in Brian's voice and he recognised this reaction for what it was. “I promise to take better care of myself.”

“Yeah, you will. I will make sure of it,” Brian agreed, pulling back and taking Justin's face in his hands. “I am sorry I let it go on like this, that I let you go on like this without realising it, but I'll carry my weight from now on. You're not alone in this. I am still here, still alive and kicking, so I'll help you whenever I can.”

“Brian,” Justin sighed, leaning into Brian's touch. “You have enough to worry about. Don't worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“We're in this together, Sunshine. So... let's deal with this together. You don't have to do everything on your own. I know I am not much use on the first two days after the chemo treatments, but... the rest of the time, I can help. I can take the boys to school. I can help with their homework or take them to their after school activities. You don't have to do everything on your own.”

“You have enough to worry about, Brian,” Justin repeated, running his own hand through Brian's auburn hair. “We can take care of ourselves.”

“Yeah, I know you can. But you don't have to. You shouldn't have to,” Brian said quietly. “You have taken care of so much, you forgot to take care of yourself. You look like shit,” Brian whispered, running his fingertips over the rings under Justin's eyes and his sunken in cheeks. “You almost fell asleep during the handjob last night,” he accused, though the twinkle in his eyes told Justin that he was joking about that one.

Justin smiled when he remembered that handjob, which had been the first time in weeks that he and Brian had had any physical relationship apart from kissing. It had been the first time in weeks he had gotten off. “That was nice.”

“I must be losing my touch if you nearly fell asleep during it.”

“No, you're not losing your touch. It was perfect,” Justin smiled, closing the distance and leaning in for a kiss. Yep, it was pretty fucking awesome that they had gotten rid of that damn oxygen mask and had it replaced with the cannula. That made kissing so much easier. “What brought that on?”

“You deserved it,” Brian said sincerely, leading Justin over to the sofa in his office and sitting down with him. He rested their joined hands on his thigh and squeezed slightly. “You only deserve the best and I am sorry that I was so occupied with myself and everything that has been going on in my life that I didn't notice how much you were doing and taking care of. I am sorry I didn't see how exhausted you were and how much you needed a break. I promise, I'll do better from now on and I promise, I'll be more present on the days that I am up to it.”

“Brian,” Justin started, ready to reply, but was interrupted by Brian when he went on.

“No, I mean it. I am sorry! I know I have left you alone with so many things recently and I will do better. I'll try to help more with the boys and with Vicky and... I'll just try to be more present.”

“Brian,” Justin sighed, looking at the man at his side from loving eyes. “Don't worry about it. It's not your fault.”

“Well, this cancer might not be, but it's my fault that I let you go on like this for so long,” Brian sighed, pushing a strand of hair out of Justin's face as he spoke.

“No, I am an adult. I make my own decisions. You're not responsible for my choices, Brian,” Justin contradicted. “I just didn't want to add any more to the burden you're already carrying.”

“Well, I am not an expert in this whole relationship thing as you well know, but from what I understand, sharing the burden is a real thing in relationships. You're supposed to share your partner's burden and he's supposed to share yours. While you did great on sharing my burdens, I realise that I failed miserably, but I am learning. I'll do better,” Brian promised.

“Stop putting yourself down,” Justin said seriously, eyeing Brian from sincere eyes. “You're fighting a life-threatening illness. I think you have a carte blanche for the time being.”

“What if I don't want it?” Brian asked, looking at Justin from pained eyes. “What if I want to do my part? It's... I don't know how to explain it, but I don't want everything in our family, everything between us to be about the cancer. Yes, it's there and it sucks, but... it shouldn't be everything. We are still a family and we still have a life apart from me being sick and... I want that life to be as normal as possible. I don't want to stop doing things I've always done. I've always taken the boys to school and... I don't want to stop doing it just because I am sick. I might not be able to take them every day, but on days that I can, why shouldn't I? It will be something that is normal, you know? Does that make sense?” Brian looked at Justin from insecure eyes, wondering if what he had just said made sense.

“Yeah, it does,” Justin nodded. “I just tried to give you as much space and time as you needed,” Justin offered. “I thought you might need some time to come to grips with everything that's going on and I didn't want to stress you any further by adding everyday tasks to the list.”

“I needed time, but... I think I am good now,” Brian said quietly, holding on to Justin's hand in his own. “I think I've made my peace with what's going on. As much as I can, you know?”

Justin nodded, understanding what Brian was saying.

“I just... I just want things to be normal. Or as normal as they can be, you know? I don't want us and the boys and everything in our lives to be defined by me having cancer. You, the boys, we all deserve some normalcy and I think we also need it.”

Justin nodded once more, leaning his head onto Brian's shoulder and sighing happily. “If you feel up to it.”

“I do now,” Brian offered, putting his arm around Justin's shoulder and pulling him closer. “I do now.”

“Just tell me when you need a break or some time to yourself,” Justin demanded, giving Brian's thigh a squeeze.

Brian nodded, kissing Justin's blond locks. “But you'll have to do the same.”

He felt relieved when he felt Justin nod in his arms.

They were quiet for the longest time, just enjoying the quiet and being alone for once.

It was Brian who broke the silence when he pulled back and looked at Justin from loving eyes. “That's why you didn't tell me about Vicky's surgery, isn't it?”

He felt more than heard Justin's gasp and watched as he pulled back and stared at him in confusion. “Who told you?”

“Maggie,” Brian replied, never leaving Justin's eyes.

“Maggie? As in the night nurse?” Justin frowned and his frown deepened when Brian nodded. “How do you know her?”

“I met her last night when I went to the hospital.”

“You went to see Vicky?” Justin asked, his voice showing how surprised he was.

“Last night. When you were out. I know I should have gone before, but... I couldn't... Last night, I couldn't sleep and I knew that I should have been there long ago and in the end I just went.”

“I...,” Justin struggled to find the right words. “Why didn't you tell me? We could have gone together.” Then Justin eyed Brian seriously. “ You're making a habit out of those secret, late night hospital visits...”

“It was something I needed to do on my own. Does that make sense? I just... I just needed to do it myself.” Knowing what else Justin was referring to, Brian hung his head. “I should have told you a long time ago... I just... didn't know how. It never seemed the right time and really... it doesn't matter now, does it?”

Justin nodded to both statements. He could understand that on some level. He knew how Brian's mind worked at times, after all he had known the man long enough now to know that Brian didn't always react in ways other people would react. He wasn't really surprised that Brian's first visit with their daughter had been a visit on his own just like he knew that Brian had a hard time talking about anything that reminded him of the prom and what had happened afterwards.

Remembering that Brian had mentioned the surgery and knew about it, Justin hung his head. He knew that he should have told Brian, but he just hadn't known how. Brian hadn't shown much interest in Vicky so far and with everything going on in the man's life, Justin couldn't really blame him. He knew how Brian's mind worked, he knew that Brian had felt guilty about her condition and he knew that Brian would have blamed himself even more if he had known about the surgery. He had just known it and with everything going on, he had just thought it better not to add to the man's fragile state of mind.

“I know I should have told you. It's just that... you already felt so guilty and I didn't want you to feel any guiltier. I... am sorry.”

“I had a right to know,” Brian said quietly, though his voice held no anger at all. He knew that he was as much to blame as Justin. He hadn't given Justin any indication that he would have been in the right state of mind to deal with news like that, so he couldn't really blame Justin for not telling him.

Justin nodded, knowing that Brian was right.

“But I know that I didn't give you any indication that I would be able to deal with news like that. I know it's my own fault and I am sorry I left you to deal with that on your own. I am sorry you didn't feel like you could share your pain and worry with me,” Brian continued, gently running his fingers over Justin's arms as he held him tight.

“Brian, it's okay.”

“No, it's not! I am her father and... I was too concerned with my own shit to worry about her. How fucked up is that?”

“I think it's understandable under the circumstances. Don't beat yourself up about it,” Justin raised his head to meet Brian's eyes in a loving gaze. “Please!”

Brian met Justin's gaze and returned the loving gaze. “I'll do better from now on. I promise. I'll be a partner to you and a father to our kids. All of them. I am still here and still able to be a partner and father and I'll be your partner and our kids' father for as long as I can be.”

Justin nodded, accepting Brian's promise. He then leaned in and captured the older man's lips with his own. “I love you.”

“I love you more,” Brian smiled into the kiss, pulling the younger man tighter.

They made out like that for a while, before they pulled apart breathlessly.

“Hmmmm, that was nice,” Justin smiled, leaning his head on his partner's shoulder.

“Hmmm, it was,” Brian agreed.

When Justin's stomach growled, neither men could help chuckling.

“We better feed the beast,” Brian joked, slowly getting up from the sofa and pulling Justin with him.

“I missed breakfast,” Justin said as way of apology as he followed Brian into the kitchen.

“How about you have some lunch now, then I take a nap and afterwards you and I head to the hospital to pay our daughter a visit?” Brian suggested, surprised when Justin seemed to contemplate his suggestion and didn't agree to it right away.

“Depends,” Justin said, seemingly seriously thinking about what Brian had said.

“On what?” Brian frowned as he got some leftover dinner from the night before out of the fridge and put it in the microwave.

“Can I join your nap?” Justin asked, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively, making Brian laugh.

“Always.”

“Then it sounds like a perfect plan,” Justin agreed, giving Brian one of his best sunshine smiles.

Chapter 27

“Fuck!”

Justin heard Brian exclaim from their ensuite and frowned. Brian had been in the bathroom for quite a while now and Justin wondered what the cursing was about that had been going on for a couple of minutes now.

“Just fuck, fuck, fuck!”

He frowned, feeling concerned. Justin knew that Brian hadn't been feeling all that great in recent days. He had been through another chemotherapy treatment and for some reason this treatment seemed to have hit him much harder than the ones before. Brian had been vomiting and feeling nauseous for more than three days and the diarrhea had been worse than ever before. Brian had hardly been able to keep any food inside and it had been obvious that in just the last couple of days he had lost more weight.

By now the effects of the chemotherapy had become pretty visible even if you didn't know that Brian was undergoing chemo treatments. He had lost quite a bit of weight in recent weeks and his skin had taken on an ashen, grey look. His usual tan was gone and Brian looked pale as a ghost on most days. His cheeks were sunken in and more than anything he just looked tired and exhausted most of the time.

Justin knew that Brian was fighting with the visible side effects the chemotherapy brought and he knew that Brian hated what it was doing to his body. Brian had always cared a lot about his appearance and looking good had been a huge part of who Brian Kinney was and had always been. Justin had hoped that ever since they had talked about Brian's scar from the surgery, he had been able to convince the man that he didn't care about his looks and what the chemotherapy was doing, but that he loved the man underneath it all, he had hoped that Brian would know that none of what the chemotherapy did to his body mattered, but he also knew that words only went so far. And with their usual outlet of sex not being an option right now since Brian's dick still refused to show any signs of life, Justin knew that the older man had a hard time coping with it all. And who could blame him?

It wasn't like they didn't have any sex or fun at all. In recent weeks, ever since their heart to heart, a new understanding had been established between them. Brian had wanted more normalcy in his life and Justin had done what he could to make that possible.

Whenever it was possible, they just tried to live their lives as normal, as they had before the cancer had become a part of their lives, trying not to let it influence them too much. They both did their best to be there for their sons, spending time with them, being with them and tried to make time for private time between them just as they had before. They had been out on a couple of dates, going out for drinks, a movie once and had also found ways to satisfy each other. Just because Brian's dick was out of commission due to the chemo, didn't mean they couldn't do other things on days that Brian felt better.

There had been some amazing handjobs, a nice blowjob and one breathtaking rimming that Justin remembered from just the last week. And he also remembered the time he had made love to Brian a week and a half ago, gently loving the man that had been his partner and the father of his children. No, sex definitely wasn't as big a part of their lives as it had been before, but it still was a part and they still made sure to find private time whenever they felt up to it.

Brian had also become more involved in Vicky's life and care and had joined Justin at the hospital for visits whenever it had been possible with his own health. He, much like Justin, had become an expert on the care of premature babies and now knew everything about complications, all the machines helping Vicky and every medicine that was given to her. He had become much more involved in her care and Justin had been grateful for it.

Only once Brian had joined him at the hospital and had started showing his interest and love for his daughter, had Justin realised how much he had missed Brian by his side before and how hard it had really been on him to deal with everything concerning their daughter on his own. He hadn't really been aware of how much pressure he had been under and how much pressure he had put on himself until Brian had joined him and had started sharing the burden. Justin would always feel grateful for that, knowing how hard the whole situation was on Brian and how much the older man had going on in his own life. Yet Brian had once again come through for his children. Just like Justin had always known that he would. Brian loved his kids more than anything and would do whatever he had to to make them happy. All of them, including their youngest.

When he heard Brian cursing again, Justin forced himself to stop thinking and to focus on what was going on in their bathroom.

“Brian?” He called for his partner, his eyebrow raised in concern. “Are you okay?”

“No...,” Justin heard the angry reply and just as he was about to get out of bed and make his way into the bathroom to check on Brian, slowly getting worried, he heard a quick correction. “Yeah... I guess. I don't know.”

Not sure what to make of that answer, Justin got out of bed and made his way over to their ensuite, stopping in the doorway, looking at Brian who seemed to be staring at his own reflection in the mirror, holding something in his hand that Justin couldn't see. What he could see however was how Brian's whole body was tensed up and he seemed close to breaking point.

“Brian?” Justin asked in concern, slowly making his way over to his partner's side. “What is it?” He looked at Brian, but when the man didn't respond and avoided meeting his eyes, Justin moved his gaze down to what was in Brian's hand. When he saw what the man was holding, he immediately understood his partner's reaction and felt his heart breaking for him.

“Oh Brian,” he whispered, gently taking the hairbrush that was covered with auburn hair out of the older man's hand.

They had been warned that hair loss could be a side effect of the chemotherapy and they had been advised to think about options for wigs, but so far Brian had pushed all talk of hair loss aside, claiming that his hair was still there and fine and there was no need for it.

Justin wasn't sure if Brian had really believed that he would be safe from this particular side effect of the chemotherapy or if he had just not been ready to deal with it before, but whatever it had been, Justin had decided not to press the issue any further, knowing that they would have to deal with it sooner or later. One way or another. And that time seemed to be now judging by the hairbrush in his hand that looked as if whole strands of Brian's hair were tangled in it.

“Don't,” Brian just muttered as he squared his shoulders and turned around, ready to leave the room.

“Don't what?” Justin asked quietly, feeling that Brian was ready to lash out. Not necessarily at him, but since he was the only one around right now and knowing that Brian needed to vent his anger and frustrations, he knew that he would be the most likely target for the older man's emotions.

“Don't pity me,” Brian pressed out, pushing past Justin and back into their bedroom.

Justin watched as the older man flopped down on the bed and slowly moved over as well, sitting beside him. “I won't,” he promised.

“And don't try to comfort me with some meaningful bullshit phrases.” Hazel eyes turned to meet his blue eyes with a pleading look. “Just don't say anything.”

“We knew this was gonna happen. It's okay.”

“You really have a problem with not saying anything, don't you?” Brian said quietly, amusement in his voice.

“Sorry, I just,” Justin started, but then stopped when he had heard the amusement in Brian's voice and had recognized it for what it was. “What's so funny?”

“We've been here before. It feels like: Been there, done that, got the t-shirt, you know?”

“We have?” Justin frowned, not sure he could follow what Brian was talking about.

“The first time I had cancer? When I couldn't get it up? And I asked you not to say anything, but you did anyway? Telling me how it was all normal and would be better soon?” Brian raised an eyebrow as if to make Justin remember the first time they had been sitting on a bed together like this, years ago in another bedroom in the loft.

A small smile broke out on Justin's face as he seemed to remember the moment Brian was talking about. “Yeah, right.”

They stayed quiet for a couple of minutes, each hanging on to their own thoughts. It was Justin who broke the silence first.

“It's just that...,” he started, but stopped when Brian turned to him and pressed his lips to his.

“I know,” he said quietly into the kiss, before he pulled back. “I know.”

“I just want to help. Somehow.”

“Unless you have a way to stop my hair from fucking falling out, I don't think you can,”

“It doesn't matter to me, Brian,” Justin said honestly, hoping that the older man would believe him.

“But it matters to me,” Brian whispered quietly, looking at Justin from pained and sad eyes and Justin knew that this was really the problem. This wasn't about his reaction to Brian losing his hair, this was about Brian dealing with losing his hair. This was about Brian coming to terms with another change his body was undergoing thanks to the cancer he was fighting. Knowing that nothing he could say would make it any easier for Brian, he did the only thing he could think of and pulled the older man closer, hugging him tight.

“I love you,” he said quietly, relieved when he felt Brian relax in his arms.

It wasn't long before Justin felt Brian shake in his arms and he knew that the other man was crying. Was crying for the loss of his hair and more than anything for the injustice of it all.

“I hate this,” Brian hiccupped through his tears, clinging to Justin as if he was his life buoy and the only thing keeping him from going under. “I fucking hate this.”

“I know,” Justin whispered, running his hands over Brian's arms in a gentle carress as he laid them both down on the bed.

It wasn't often that Brian cried and Justin could count the times he'd seen Brian cry like this on one hand, but he knew that these were exceptional circumstances and that Brian was going through a lot right now.

He was fighting for his life, was fighting the cancer that was trying to take a hold of his body, was trying to stay alive and stay with their family while at the same time coming to terms with what had happened to their daughter and all the changes that were happening to him and his body due to his illness. Justin wasn't surprised that under all that pressure Brian was ready to crack. He couldn't blame his partner for reacting like this to something other people might not take that seriously. This was a huge deal to Brian and more than anything it was another thing he was losing control of. And everyone who knew Brian knew how much he hated losing control.

Justin wished that there was something he could do to support his partner, something more than just holding him and trying to comfort him.

“It will be okay,” Justin whispered, hoping that he was right. He had no idea what he would do if he wasn't. He wasn't sure that he would be able to cope with the possibility of Brian not making it. In recent weeks he had never allowed his mind to wander there and he wouldn't now. He just had to stay optimistic. It was all he could do.

“I just want it to be over. I... I just want things to be normal again,” Brian said in the most pained voice Justin had ever heard from the man. If he hadn't known before, he knew how much Brian was suffering right now.

“And they will be. We just have to hold on for dear life and make it through this first,” Justin whispered into his hair, rubbing his hands over the older man's arms.

“Don't leave me,” Justin heard Brian's pained voice whisper after several more minutes of silence and his heart broke for the man in his arms.

“I won't. I never would. I couldn't. I love you too much,” He replied sincerely, feeling his own tears run down his cheek.

“You don't deserve this,” Brian continued as if he hadn't heard what Justin had said.

Justin closed his eyes, trying to bury the pain he was feeling inside and strengthened the hold he had on Brian's body, pulling him even closer. “Neither do you.”

After several more minutes of silence in which both of them just hung on to their own thoughts, Brian pulled back from Justin's embrace and looked at the blue eyes he loved so much. He saw pain and fear, but most of all he saw love. So much love and he knew that it was love for him. He didn't know what he had done to deserve the man by his side, had no idea what joke the gods had played on him when they had put Justin in his life of all lifes, but he was grateful for it. He didn't know where he would be without him, didn't know what his life would have turned out to be if Justin hadn't fought for him and his love and if Justin hadn't believed in him like no one else had ever before.

Justin had changed him, had changed his whole life, but Brian knew that it had all been for the better. Without Justin, he wouldn't have a relationship with Gus, without Justin there would be no Luke and Victoria and Brian knew that without Justin and his children, his life would just be empty.

“I am glad you're here,” he said, hoping that his voice conveyed his honesty.

“There's nowhere I'd rather be,” Justin smiled a sunshine smile at him and whenever Brian saw him smile like that, he knew that things would be okay. How could they not be?

Their lips met in a gentle kiss, a kiss that underlined the emotions just conveyed with their words. A kiss that promised that they would make it through whatever life would throw their way together.

Justin carefully ran his hands through Brian's auburn hair as he kissed him, but stopped when he felt fine strands of hair in his fingers. Damn, why hadn't he noticed before? Had it really just started to fall out like that today?

“I am going to miss your hair,” he said quietly, looking thoughtfully.

“Not as much as I will,” Brian sighed, turning onto his back and staring at the ceiling.

“Probably not,” Justin agreed, knowing how much harder this was for Brian than it was for him. “What do you want to do about it?”

Brian knew what Justin was asking and shrugged. “I don't know. Haven't thought about it yet.”

“I can call Ken and make an appointment with him for tomorrow,” Justin offered, refering to their hairdresser. “He might have some ideas.”

“Sunshine, nobody needs to have any ideas. It will fall out. All of it. End of story. It's not like I am looking for a new hairstyle,” Brian sighed.

“I know, I just mean...”

“I am not going to wear a wig,” Brian said categorically, turning to look at Justin from determined eyes. “I won't look like a fool.”

“Brian,” Justin sighed. “You saw some of the brochures the doctors gave us. People won't even know that it's a wig.”

“Of course they will. You always know!”

“Okay, so what then?”

Justin could see that Brian was struggling with the answer, but not wanting to pressure him, he just stayed quiet and gave him the time he needed.

After the longest time, Brian shrugged, turning to look back at the ceiling. “I guess the logical thing is to shave it off and to hope and pray that my head won't look like an egg with all the hair gone.”

Justin couldn't help but chuckle. “I am sure you'll be fine and in any case, it won't matter to me.”

“What about Gus and Luke?” Brian asked with a raised eyebrow.

“What about them?”

“It might scare them,” Brian said quietly, meeting Justin's gaze with a meaningful one of his own.

“We'll talk to them. Tomorrow morning. Explain to them that this is a side effect of the chemotherapy. They will understand.”

“Hmmm,” Brian nodded, though Justin could feel that Brian didn't seem as convinced as he pretended.

“Brian, they will be fine. They have made it through all of this and got this far like the troopers they are. We just continue as we have so far and stay honest. We tell them the truth and include them and they will be fine.”

Justin wasn't lying. Everyone in their family had been amazed by how well Gus and Luke were doing. Yes, they were scared for their father, were scared by everything going on, but that was normal and to be expected. Despite all of that, both of them seemed to be dealing okay with all the changes in their young lives. They were both still excelling in school, seemed happy enough whenever they got to spend time with Brian and Justin and even on days when Brian was really sick and too sick to spend any time with them, they didn't complain. As if sensing that their daddy was sick, they went with other family members without ever complaining and always gave a hug or a smile to their Papa when they felt like he needed it.

They hadn't seen their baby sister so far, not being allowed to visit her in NICU yet where only adults were allowed, but they had been very interested in her progress and had asked Justin and Brian many questions about her and her condition. They had seen the sketches that Justin had done of her, had seen the pictures Brian had taken of her and spent many evenings together with their daddies, just watching movies or some mindless TV programme or just talking. Just like Brian and Justin needed to spend time with them and needed the normalcy of their interactions, Gus and Luke seemed to need the same and enjoyed every free minute their fathers could spare them, never complaining if Brian was too sick or Justin was too busy for something.

It was almost like the boys knew how much else was going on and had learned to make the most of the times their fathers were able to spend with them. No, things weren't ideal or great or the way they were supposed to be, but everyone was trying to make the best of an impossible situation and Gus and Luke were coping better than anyone had expected before. And Justin had no doubt whatsoever that they would also be able to cope with a bald daddy, if they explained that the hair loss was due to the side effects of the chemotherapy.

After the longest time Brian nodded, apparently having come to the same conclusion.

“Maybe I should call Emmett,” he said next, surprising himself as much as he had surprised Justin with that statement. Justin frowned at him, not quite sure what Brian was talking about.

When Brian saw the confusion on Justin's face, he continued. “He might have some ideas, you know? For when the hair is gone. Maybe he has some ideas for caps or hats or just you know, how to distract away from the obvious? By playing up other features or some shit?”

Justin nodded, feeling quite impressed by what Brian had just said. He hadn't expected Brian to be willing to talk to anyone about losing his hair, but the fact that he seemed to be willing to ask Emmett for some advice on styling had to be a good sign, right?

“I think that's a great idea. I am sure he'll have some ideas.”

“As long as he doesn't make me look any more like a freak,” Brian sighed, putting his arm across his forehead.

“Hey, you know he won't. And in any case, you will be my freak. So it's all good,” Justin smiled, raising Brian's arm and giving him a tender kiss. “It will be fine.”

***

And surprisingly it had been.

The day after Brian had started losing his hair, he had called Emmett and had asked him to come by the house. Brian and Emmett had hidden away in Brian's office for the longer part of the afternoon while Justin had been at the hospital with Vicky.

At first he had wanted to stay and be at Brian's side, but in the end he knew that this was something that Brian had to do. And knowing that Brian himself had reached out to Emmett and had asked for his help, he knew that Brian would be fine. Emmett had always been good at seeing the true Brian as well and if anyone would understand the pain Brian was feeling about losing his hair, it would be Emmett. And more than anything, Justin knew that Emmett wouldn't make fun of Brian, but would be there for his friend and would support him with honest advice.

In the morning Brian and Justin had sat down with Gus and Luke and had explained about the hair loss and about how Brian would be bald soon. At first Gus had just seemed sad while Luke had honestly seemed confused by the idea of a bald daddy, but with some gentle explanations, both boys seemed to understand that this was part of the therapy and that at the end, this was all happening so that Brian would be healthy again.

Both boys had hugged Brian and kissed him, telling him that they loved him, hair or not.

Justin knew that it had been important to Brian to have their sons approval, even if it wouldn't change anything about the situation.

When he had come home from the hospital that day, he had found Brian and Emmett in the office, looking at something on the internet.

Two days later, Emmett had been back and at the end of his visit, Brian's hair had been completely shaven off. Brian had decided to just get rid of it in one go instead of slowly watching it fall out strand by strand and thankfully it had turned out that his head looked pretty much okay without any hair. No weird egg shape or anything.

Justin had been fascinated by Brian's bald head and had pretty much not stopped touching it for the first few hours, much to Brian's annoyance. Gus and Luke had been equally fascinated by their father's new looks and had asked if they could touch it as well. Thankfully neither boy had seemed intimidated by the bald head and had gotten used to it pretty quickly.

Emmett had also brought along some beanies, drivers hats and fedoras for Brian to play with and try if he liked wearing them.

They would help him cover up his bald head whenever he didn't feel comfortable showing it.

Justin had been surprised when soon enough Brian had started wearing beanies whenever they had left the house. He would have never imagined Brian Kinney with a beanie on his head, but he guessed that Brian prefered wearing the beanie to showing his bald head.

At home he seemed comfortable enough without any hat or cap, but whenever they went to the hospital, out with the boys or would go to family dinner, Brian would put on a beanie to cover his head.

Thankfully, the whole family had been really supportive and no one had made a big deal out of Brian losing his hair and after a week of seeing his father with a beanie, Luke had insisted that he wanted one as well and had pleaded with his Auntie Em to get one for him as well.

All in all, Brian losing his hair as part of the chemotherapy had gone over better than any of them could have expected.

Chapter 28

“Yeah?” Justin asked tiredly, picking up his phone, immediately wondering why it would be ringing in the middle of the night. When he heard the voice on the other end of the line, he immediately woke up completely and felt a shudder run down his spine. “What? Yeah, no. I'll be there right away. Just... God, please keep me updated.”

He hung up and immediately got out of bed, running over to the closet, pulling out a pair of jeans and a shirt.

“Sunshine?” He heard Brian's tired voice, only now realising that he hadn't been paying his partner any attention at all. “What's going on?” the older man asked tiredly.

Brian had now been nine weeks into his chemotherapy and his side effects had gotten worse and worse from week to week. He had just had his latest treatment two days ago and was slowly coming out of the worst of it. He had been sicker than ever before which in return had made him more exhausted than before and Brian had mostly been going from sick in the bathroom to exhaustedly passing out in the bed and back.

Justin wondered for a brief second if he should lie to his partner, but knew that he couldn't. He and Brian had come to an understanding weeks ago and they had promised each other to be honest. They would make it through this together. There was no way Justin could not tell him what was going on.

He walked back to the bed and sat down, looking down at Brian's exhausted, haggard face with a concerned expression.

“It was the hospital,” he began and he could immediately see how Brian's body tensed up. There was only one reason why the hospital would be calling at this hour of the night.

“What's going on?” Brian asked, hardly able to get out the words, being that exhausted, but in the end the fear for his daughter won over.

“She had an intraventricular hemorrhage,” Justin started and if the situation hadn't been that serious, both men might have found humour in them both knowing without any further description that an intraventricular hemorrhage was a bleeding in the brain that could cause brain injury.

Before he could continue, Brian interrupted him. “But those only happen within the first few days.”

“I know, but... I don't know why now. They just told me to come to the hospital right away.”

Usually intraventricular hemorrhages only occurred within the first couple of days of life of a premature baby, but not after two months. They had thought the danger for hemorrhages had been over.

There had been some cases of concern with Victoria in recent weeks, instances when her immune system or her respiratory system hadn't developed quite at the rate the doctors had wanted or in a way they had expected, but overall the doctors had assured them that Victoria was doing fine. She had gained some weight and was nearly 3 ½ pounds now and had grown to 15.5 inches.

It had been amazing for Brian and Justin to see her grow that much in such a short amount of time and they had been beyond relieved when her eye cover had finally been removed and they had been able to look at her open eyes for the first time a week before.

The doctors had told them that the worst was most likely over and her immune system was developing fine and they would most likely be able to take her out of the incubator and hold her for the first time in the upcoming weeks. It had been 10 weeks now since she had been born and they had yet to hold her and when the doctors had made the announcement that they would be able to hold her soon, they had been beyond delighted. So, why was the hemorrhage happening now? When things finally seemed to look up?

“What grade?” Brian asked, knowing that Justin would immediately understand.

Both of them had read so much on neonatal intensive care and knew more about the topic than they cared to admit. They both knew that the amount of bleeding could vary. IVHs, intraventricular hemorrhages, were often described in four grades:

Grade 1, where the bleeding only occured in a small area of the ventricles.

Grade 2, where the bleeding also occured inside the ventricles.

Grade 3, where the ventricles were enlarged by the blood.

Grade 4, where bleeding into the brain tissues around the ventricles occured.

Grades 1 and 2 were the most common, and often there were no further complications. Grades 3 and 4 were the most serious and could result in long-term brain injuries to the baby. For example, hydrocephalus (too much cerebral spinal fluid in the brain) could develop after a severe IVH. Both men knew all of this and knew how serious a hemorrhage like this could be to their daughter.

“I don't know. They haven't said. Brian, I have to get to the hospital. I'll call you, okay?” Justin said, the urgency in his voice hard not to hear.

“I'll come with you,” Brian groaned as he pulled back the blanket and tried to sit up.

“Brian, stop!” Justin said, looking at his partner sternly. “You can hardly sit up. You can't go to the hospital like this.”

“She's my daughter,” Brian started, feeling ready to fight, but then realising how exhausted he was from just sitting up. As much as he wanted to join Justin at the hospital, he knew that the blond was right and he couldn't. He hadn't done anything but vomit and sleep for the last two days, he felt exhausted beyond belief, there was no way he would even make it to the hospital without collapsing. Realising that Justin was right, Brian flopped back on his pillow. “Keep me updated, please!” he pleaded in a defeated voice.

“I will,” Justin promised, leaving a kiss on Brian's forehead. He looked at his partner for a couple more seconds, knowing how hard this was for Brian. Knowing how much his partner wanted to be at the hospital with their daughter, how much he wanted to be by Justin's side and wanted to be there for him and Victoria. He felt torn between Brian's pain and his daughter needing him, but in the end Vicky won. Brian would be okay. Justin would take care of him later.

“I am sorry, Brian. I love you,” he whispered, before he left the bed and quickly got dressed, then left for the hospital in a hurry.

For the next few hours, Brian was going up the walls, not hearing from Justin at all. Despite being dead tired, he hadn't been able to go back to sleep and had just been twisting and turning in his bed. He had texted Justin several times, asking for updates, but hadn't received any reply back, which made him scared more than anything. Justin wasn't the type of person to ignore Brian's attempts at communication and if he promised to keep him updated on their daughter's condition, he would. Unless... No, Brian forced himself not to go there.

When it got close to the time they had to get up and get the boys ready for school, Brian realised that he was in no way ready to get the boys ready and to school on his own. He hadn't thrown up in a couple of hours, but he still felt incredibly sore due to his musle aches and more than exhausted. He could hardly sit up, let alone get up and prepare breakfast and drive the boys to school.

Not knowing what else to do, Brian decided to call in for support.

He gave Jennifer a quick call, knowing that she of all their friends and family had the shortest drive to Britin and asked her to come over and help with the boys.

She had obviously been confused and worried by his request and Brian promised to her that he would explain once she came to the house.

Half an hour later, she appeared in the doorway of the bedroom and immediately walked into the room, stopping by the side of the bed.

“What's going on, Brian? Where is Justin?”

“At the hospital,” Brian replied, feeling the lack of sleep catch up with him. He was so exhausted.

“What happened?” She immediately asked, knowing that something had to have happened to get Justin to the hospital at this time of day.

In recent weeks Brian and Justin had been doing so much better at accepting help and dividing their time between themselves, their sons and their daughter. She knew that Justin usually only went to the hospital after he had taken the boys to school and on days when Brian was too sick to join him, he would usually head back home first to check on Brian and would then decide if Brian was well enough to be left alone or would call someone in the family to come and stay with Brian while he went to the hospital. She knew that Brian hadn't been feeling well at all in recent days after his last treatment and she had been staying with him for the whole day the day before. To get Justin to the hospital this early, something had to have happened, she had no doubt.

“She had an IVH,” he sighed. At Jennifer's questioning look, he went on to explain. “An intraventricular hemorrhage. A bleeding in the brain that can cause brain injury.”

“Oh my God,” Jennifer's hand flew to her mouth in shock. “I thought she was doing better. I thought she was getting better. She has gained weight and Justin said you might be able to hold her soon.”

“I know... This isn't supposed to happen. It usually only happens during the first few days of life, but... for some reason it has happened and...God, this is so fucked!”

“Is she okay?” Jennifer asked in obvious concern.

“I don't fucking know. Justin is not replying. He chose the fucking worst time to start ignoring my texts,” Brian muttered, sounding helpless more than anything else.

Jennifer looked at the man in the bed and reached out a hand to his shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. “I am sure he has good reason not to text back.”

Brian eyed her, making it clear what he thought of that explanation and just shook his head. “And I fucking can't even take care of my own sons in his absence. I am good for nothing right now,” he muttered angrily, slamming his fist into the sheets at his sides with far less power than he would have wished for. He was that exhausted.

“Don't worry about it, Brian. I'll take care of them,” she said quietly, knowing how hard this was for Brian. She knew how much he loved his children and she knew how much he hated being sick on the best of days. But being sick now, under these circumstances and not being able to take care of his sons and his daughter, that was gnawing at her son's partner. Any fool could see that.

In the end he just nodded, once more reaching for his cell phone. Jennifer decided to give him a couple of minutes and left the room, looking for her grandsons.

Both Gus and Luke had been surprised to see her instead of their Papa when she had woken them up. She had quickly explained to both of them that their Papa had to go to the hospital to be with Vicky, but that she was sure that everything was alright and that their daddy was still feeling really sick from his latest treatment.

Both boys had understandably been upset when they had heard about some emergency at the hospital and Jennifer had tried to downplay it as much as she could.

After much talking, she had gotten the boys ready for school in time. Just as they were ready to leave, she heard Brian shuffle into the kitchen. He gave both boys his most encouraging smile and gave them both a hug, holding them tight.

It was as if he had known that his boys had needed some encouraging words from their father, what with the news of their sister being sick hanging over their heads.

Thankfully neither boy realised how much that little display of affection had taken out of Brian, but Jennifer could see it in his tired eyes and his drawn features. She knew how much this had cost Brian, but at the same time she also knew that the man would have done anything to encourage his sons and make this any easier on them.

“I'll take them to school and will head to the hospital afterwards. I'll call you when I get there,” she promised, hugging him slightly, knowing only too well how sensitive his skin was after treatments. “I promise.”

He nodded at her in thanks and smiled when she handed him a thermos with some ginger tea which always helped him settle his nausea some.

“Thanks,” he said quietly, flopping into the nearest chair in exhaustion.

“Try to get some rest,” she told him sternly and he nodded once more before she left the kitchen and the house with the boys.

He really didn't know what he would have done without her help that morning. He slowly made his way into the living-room and settled on the sofa, his cell phone by his side the whole time.

***

He startled awake when he heard his phone ring. Grabbing for it tiredly, he took the call without even looking at the caller ID.

“Yeah?”

“Brian? Are you okay?”

“How is she?” he immediately asked when he recognised the caller as Justin. “Why didn't you call before?”

“I am sorry, Brian. She was in surgery and I didn't have any update until she came out of surgery and when I wanted to tell you, I realised my battery had died,” he immediately apologised. “I called as soon as I could when Mom came and gave me her phone.”

“Is she okay?” Brian repeated his question, his worry only increasing when Justin mentioned a surgery. He knew that a surgery was only necessary sometimes to stabilize the condition of the baby.

“She is alright. She is a real fighter, you know? Just like her daddy,” Justin whispered, overcome by emotions.

“What happened?” Brian asked, suddenly feeling more awake than he had felt in hours. Justin had said she was alright, so that had to be a good sign.

“She had a seizure during the night. As she had never had seizures before, they were worried about it and immediately had a cranial ultrasound where they found the hemorrhage. She had surgery to place a catheter into her skull, but she came out of surgery about half an hour ago.”

“And she's okay? No long-term damage?”

“They don't know yet, but they think she'll be alright. They won't be able to say until she wakes up though. Right now they think they found it quick enough and that she should be fine,” Justin explained quietly and Brian could hear that the younger man's emotions were all over the place, just like his own.

“Are you okay?” Brian asked quietly, wondering how Justin was holding up.

“What?” Justin sounded confused, as if he hadn't expected that question from his partner.

“I asked if you were okay. Are you alright?” Brian repeated his question, sounding concerned.

“Brian,” Justin sighed, taking a deep breath. “You're the one sitting at home fighting the side effects of chemo therapy while our daughter just had brain surgery. Out of all of us, I am probably the most okay right now.”

Brian knew what Justin was doing, knew how Justin was trying to divert the conversation from how he was doing, not wanting to burden Brian with his own emotions.

“That's not what I asked. I asked if you're alright. So answer me, Sunshine,” Brian urged.

There was a long silence before Justin took a deep breath and answered. It was obvious that he had been fighting with himself whether or not to tell the truth.

“I am scared,” he admitted quietly. “I was so fucking worried. I was going crazy. And what if she wakes up and they find that she'll have lasting damage from the hemorrhage? What then?”

“Then we'll deal with it. Together,” Brian said with determination in his voice. “Is your mom with you now?”

“Yeah,” Justin said softly. “Thanks for calling her.”

“I had no choice. There was no way I could have gotten the boys ready for school,” Brian admitted.

“Are you okay?” Justin asked, his voice sounding just as concerned as Brian's had earlier. He knew how hard it had to be on the man to be at home all alone, not knowing what was going on with their daughter.

“I am fine.”

“Brian,” Justin sighed. “No bullshit. Are you okay?”

“Yeah...,” Brian finally admitted after he was quiet for the longest time. “Just going crazy here. I can't do anything and it's driving me mad,” he admitted, knowing that Justin would be able to understand.

“I know,” and he did. “Try to get some rest. I'll call you when Vicky wakes up, okay?”

“Okay,” Brian agreed, ready to hang up when he heard Justin's voice once more.

“Do you want me to call someone? I can ask Debbie or Emmett to come by.”

“Nah, I'll be fine. Your mom left some ginger tea and I think I'll try to head back to bed. I am fucking exhausted,” Brian admitted.

“Okay. Try to sleep. I'll call you as soon as I know more,” Justin promised. “I love you.”

“Love you, too,” Brian replied before ending the call.

Knowing that there wasn't much that he could do from home, cursing his cancer once again, feeling angry at himself and his sickness for not being able to be with his daughter, he carefully made his way back into the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed, being asleep within five minutes of having gotten up from the sofa in the living-room.

When he next woke up, he frowned when he felt a gentle finger carress his cheek. He slowly opened one eye and raised an eyebrow or rather a non-existent eyebrow since he had lost that hair as well when his other hair had fallen out and looked at Justin in confusion. “Why are you here?”

“You needed me,” the younger man just said, running his hand over Brian's cheek once more.

“Vicky needs you,” Brian replied to that, wondering why Justin would be with him and not their daughter.

“Mom and Debbie are with her. She's still mostly out of it from the anesthesia, but she's okay. They will call if they need me to come to the hospital,” Justin explained. “The doctors think she'll be alright and will make a full recovery.”

“Thank fuck!” Brian exclaimed, looking at Justin from teary eyes.

“Yeah, I know,” Justin smiled, his own eyes tearing up at Brian's reaction. “She's a little fighter. Our little fighter.”

Brian could only nod at that and leaned into Justin's touch some more. Justin smiled then carefully laid down next to Brian, stretching out at his side.

“I am sorry I had to leave you alone with the boys and everything.”

“Don't worry. You were needed at the hospital.”

“You needed me as well,” Justin said quietly, never ceasing his caress of Brian's cheek.

“I am okay. I can take care of myself.”

“But you shouldn't,” Justin whispered, burying his head in Brian's neck.

“She needed you more than I did,” Brian said honestly, knowing that Justin was beating himself up about something that deserved no beating up. “You made the right choice.”

“I hate that I had to leave you like that.”

“It's okay. I am okay,” Brian said sincerely, holding the smaller body close.

“I am so fucking tired,” Justin yawned, settling into a more comfortable position at Brian's side.

“Get some sleep. I'll wake you if someone calls,” Brian promised and was relieved when Justin didn't fight him on it. The younger man had to be more tired than he would have liked to admit because Brian knew that on a normal day he would have fought Brian and would have insisted to stay up in case the hospital or his mom or Debbie called about Vicky.

Within five minutes Justin was deep asleep in his arms and Brian wondered when the younger man would finally be able to get a break. He wondered when all of this would be over and their lives could finally return to normal. He hated what their lives had become and he knew that Justin hated it too even though he would never admit it.

He just hoped that there would be a return to normal and that it would be soon. At least he had made it through most of his chemotherapy already. 12 weeks and he had already made it through nine. Hopefully there would be no more after those 12 weeks. They all deserved a break. And hopefully there would be no more scares like the one they had been through the previous night for their daughter. She most of all deserved a break.

With that thought in mind, Brian fell asleep only a couple of minutes later and both men slept until Jennifer returned home with the boys in the afternoon, informing them that Vicky seemed to be doing just fine and that Debbie would stay with her until the end of day, giving Brian and Justin a much needed break.

Chapter 29

“Hey,” Justin said, surprised to find Gus in his studio. He had expected his studio to be empty and hadn't expected to find his son painting. He had thought Gus was in his room.

Gus tensed, feeling caught. He knew he was not supposed to be in Justin's studio on his own without Justin. “Hey”, he replied meekly.

“What are you doing here?” Justin asked, as he walked over and looked at the painting that Gus seemed to work on. It was a vibrant mix of colours, very impressive for someone who had just turned 14 a couple of months ago. Gus was incredibly talented and Justin was impressed by his talent again and again.

Thankfully they were in a position to nurture that talent and Justin felt like the art club after school and the art classes that Gus attended were really paying off.

“Painting,” Gus muttered, before he turned to Justin. “I am sorry. I know I shouldn't be in here on my own. I didn't touch any of your things. I promise!”

Justin could see how apologetic the boy was, but he could also see that he was honest. He hadn't been in his studio in weeks, with everything going on there just hadn't been any time and apart from a few sketches of Victoria, the boys and Brian, he had barely created anything in recent weeks, yet he could see that everything was as he had left it. Gus wasn't lying, he hadn't touched anything that belonged to Justin.

Normally, Gus was not supposed to be in Justin's studio without supervision. It wasn't that Brian or Justin didn't trust Gus, he was a very honest and careful boy, but he was just a teenager and Justin's art was too valuable to have it destroyed by someone not paying attention when they were creating their own art. With a bang Justin realised how long it had been since he had last been in the studio and how long it would have been since Gus could have created something. He remembered how Gus had asked to go to the studio to create something after he had been told about Brian's cancer and he knew that the boy had most likely needed the time in the studio as an outlet for his emotions. Justin felt bad that he hadn't noticed before.

“It's okay, don't worry,” Justin immediately calmed him down, coming closer to his painting with a smile on his face, trying to show the boy that it was really okay. “How long have you been coming here on your own?”

Gus just shrugged, lowering his head which reminded Justin so much of Brian that he had to chuckle. “You look just like your father, you know? He shrugs just like that and then lowers his head just the same.”

The younger boy looked up and frowned at Justin. “Really?”

“Yeah. You two are very much alike,” Justin smiled as he stopped next to the boy. “I like this one,” he nodded at the painting. “Have you been working on it long?”

“A couple of days,” Gus admitted, turning to look at the painting as well.

“Why didn't you tell me or your Dad that you were coming to the studio?” Justin asked, his voice calm, not a hint of anger in it. Yes, Gus had broken the rules, but he really couldn't feel angry about it. It only showed him how much he had neglected his son in recent weeks and he couldn't be angry at the boy for something he had caused himself with his own behaviour.

Gus only shrugged once more, not saying anything.

“Were you scared I would be angry or say no to you coming to the studio?” Justin asked quietly, wondering if that was the case. Neither he nor Brian had ever been particularly strict with the boys. Usually they allowed them quite a bit, but if the boys broke the rules or if they misbehaved, there were punishments. So far he had always thought that he and Brian had been pretty fair when dealing out their punishments, but now he wondered if the boys thought differently and were scared of their reaction.

“No,” Gus immediately said, shaking his head. “You allowed me to come here on my own before, when you guys told us that Dad was sick.”

“Yeah and I would have again if you had asked me,” Justin replied.

“I am sorry, Papa,” Gus hung his head sadly. “I know I should have said something.”

“Why didn't you? I am not angry, Gus. I just want to understand.”

“You have enough going on. I didn't want to bother you with something as trivial as me wanting to paint,” the boy answered honestly, looking at Justin from sad eyes.

“You're never bothering me, Gus,” Justin said, feeling bad for the boy having gotten that impression.

“It just didn't seem to be important with everything else going on,” Gus shrugged. “And I was extra careful not to touch your things. I figured if you didn't know I was here, there would be nothing to worry about.”

“You are important, Gus!” Justin said seriously, throwing his arm around his son's shoulder and pulling him close. “Never think that you're not. I am sorry if you got the impression that you're not, but you are. Your Dad and I love you very much, Gus. Never doubt that.”

“I know you do,” Gus nodded, resting his head on Justin's shoulder. “It's just with Dad being sick and Vicky having that surgery... I didn't want to bother you with something like this.”

“You're never bothering me,” Justin repeated, looking at the boy at his side who was now nearly as tall as he was. Damn, when had Gus grown up like that? He was a teenager now. Only three more years and he would be the age Justin had been when he had gone and met Brian. No, he really didn't want to think about that. “I am sorry things have been so stressed and busy lately that we didn't have much time for you and Luke.”

“It's okay, we understand,” Gus said sincerely.

“I know you do, but that doesn't make it okay,” Justin said sadly. “Just promise me that you'll come to us no matter what, okay? We'll always have time for you.”

“Okay,” Gus nodded, wrapping his arms around Justin and hugging him back.

“I love you, Gus and I am sorry I didn't spend more time with you in recent weeks.”

“It's okay. Dad and Vicky needed you. I understand.”

“Wanna tell me about the painting?” Justin asked, trying to change the subject. There was no point beating himself up about not spending enough time with Gus and Luke in recent weeks. He knew that he couldn't change the past, that he couldn't make it undone, all he could do was make sure that he paid more attention to his sons now. He hoped by talking about the painting with Gus, he would make a start.

“It's just something I started after Vicky had the surgery. I started feeling sad and scared for her,” Gus said quietly, pointing to the corner where a lot of darker colours could be seen being mixed in a wild array of strokes. He then pointed to where the colours turned lighter and brighter and the strokes seemed less angry and more sensual. “But then she was doing better and Dad started doing better, so I was feeling happy about that.”

“It's beautiful, Gus,” Justin said sincerely, following the emotions on the canvas before him.

“You really think so?” Gus looked at Justin from big eyes, reminding Justin that even though he was already a teenager and 14, he was still just a boy that needed his father's approval at times.

“Yeah, it's well done. You are very talented.”

“Thanks,” Gus blushed at the praise, knowing that Justin wouldn't lie to him just to make him feel happy. Justin was an internationally recognised artist and he had always helped Gus to improve his technique and his art and if he hadn't liked something, he had always told Gus in all honesty, explaining why he didn't like it and how he thought Gus could improve his work. If Justin said he liked something, he really did and that was big praise coming from a well respected artist like him.

Apparently feeling like they had talked enough about him, Gus turned to Justin with a questioning look in his eyes. “Have you been working on anything recently?”

Justin shook his head sadly, “No, not really. This is the first time I've been in here in weeks...”

“Why not?” Gus asked, honestly interested. Justin had told him before that painting helped him work through emotions and problems and that painting gave him clarity and an outlet for his emotions. He knew that he had needed that outlet a lot in recent weeks with everything going on and he could only imagine that his father might have needed it as well.

Justin shrugged, looking at Gus with a sad smile on his face. “There's just so much going on right now. There was no time.”

“You should make time. You said that painting helps you clear your head. It helps me feel better about everything. I am sure it would help you as well,” Gus offered in all his youthful innocence.

“Yeah, I am sure it would,” Justin agreed. “It's just not always easy to find the time. For now sketching will have to do.”

“I like your sketches of Vicky,” Gus announced, pointing at the sketchbook on a table nearby. Justin had shown him and Luke the sketches he had done of their baby sister and along with the pictures his Dad had taken of her in the hospital, this was the only connection he had to his baby sister as long as he wasn't allowed to see her at the hospital.

“I am sure you will be able to see her for real soon,” Justin said quietly, knowing what Gus wasn't saying.

“I hope so. I really want to meet her,” the boy said eagerly. “When Luke was born, I got to see him right away. It's weird knowing that I have a sister and she's almost three months old and I have yet to meet her, you know?”

“Yeah,” Justin sighed. “I wish it was different, Gus. I really do.”

“Can I show you something? Something I have been sketching?”

“Of course.”

Justin watched as Gus walked away from the canvas and walked over to a small table at the side of the studio, picking up what looked like to be his sketchbook. He opened it to a specific page and then handed it to Justin.

The blond took the sketchbook and what he saw in front of him brought tears to his eyes. It was Brian, a younger, much healthier version of Brian, holding a small baby in his arms as he sat in what looked to be a rocking chair. “Is this...?” Justin asked, looking up at Gus with unshed tears in his eyes.

“It's Dad with Luke. I don't really remember what Luke looked like back then, but I remember how much I loved coming here to Britin and how much I loved seeing Dad with Luke and how much I loved helping him take care of Luke. I was never allowed to help with JR, you know, but Dad would always allow me to help with Luke.”

Justin listened as Gus spoke, unable to tear his gaze away from the sketch in front of him. Brian gently holding a little baby boy in his arms, while sitting in a rocking chair, looking absolutely serene while holding the baby.

“It's beautiful, Gus,” Justin said sincerely, wiping away a tear that had made its way down his cheek. He had always known that Brian had to have been beautiful with Luke and he had seen some pictures from back when Luke had been a baby, knowing that his assumption had been right, but seeing this sketch, seeing the emotion Gus had been able to put into it, seeing the love in Brian's eyes that was so obvious and knowing that Gus had been able to capture that at 14 years old, it took his breath away.

“Did Dad ever look like that with me?” Gus asked after a few minutes of silence between them, giving Justin the time he knew the man needed. 

Brian and Justin had never lied to Gus about the years that Justin had been away and the older Gus had gotten, the more he had heard about what had happened between his father and Justin years ago. He knew that Justin hadn't known about Luke for years and he knew that his father had lied to Justin, that his mothers had lied to Justin and that Justin hadn't known about having a son. He wasn't sure he really understood all of it or why it had happened, but he knew it had happened and even though his fathers had always tried to be honest with him, he knew that this was something his Dad didn't like talking about. Yes, he would answer if Gus asked him questions, but Gus could always feel the reluctancy in him. It wasn't like Justin liked talking about this time between them either, but over the years, Gus had found out that Justin seemed to have an easier time talking to him about their past than his Dad did. His Papa had also always told him the truth about his mothers whenever Gus had asked him questions about them and even though it was obvious that Justin didn't particularly like the conversations, he had always made sure that Gus got the answers he needed and never felt like he couldn't ask.

“Why would you ask that, Gus?” Justin asked, frowning at the boy. “Your Dad loves you just as much as he loves Luke. He always did.”

“I know that he didn't want me and that he never wanted to be a father,” Gus said quietly, not meeting Justin's gaze.

“Gus,” Justin sighed, not quite sure how to answer that. Yes, Brian had never wanted to be a father, but that had been years ago and he had changed a lot since then. “You know that I met your Dad the night you were born and the first moment he laid eyes on you, he loved you. I have never seen him look at anyone or anything with as much love as he did when he looked at you that night.”

“But my moms always said that he never wanted me,” Gus replied quietly and Justin could hear the emotion in the boy's voice.

“Gus, your moms and your Dad... they had a complicated relationship. You know that things weren't always easy between them. Your moms didn't really know your Dad the way I did back then and they couldn't really see how much he loved you from day one. It... it wasn't an easy situation and there were lots of issues between them, but I never ever doubted that your Dad loved you from the moment you were born.”

Seeing that the boy still looked doubtful, Justin decided to show him something he hadn't looked at in years. “Can you wait here for a minute? I just need to go and find something really quick. It will just be a couple of minutes.”

Gus nodded, though it was obvious that he was confused by Justin leaving now. As promised, the older man returned a couple of minutes later and was holding what looked like a sketchbook and some pictures. An old, tattered sketchbook and a handful of pictures.

“Come here, Gus,” Justin urged as he sat down on the futon in the studio, patting the space next to him. Gus slowly walked over and sat down next to Justin.

When Gus had sat down, Justin handed him an old picture. “This was the night when you were born. The first time that your Dad actually held you,” he said quietly, handing Gus the picture of him as a baby being held by Brian.

“I have never seen this before,” Gus admitted, looking at the picture in amazement.

“Here,” Justin said, as he handed Gus another picture. This time it was a picture of Brian lying on the sofa at the muncher's house, a sleeping baby Gus on his chest, holding his son gently.

“Wow,” Gus seemed absolutely amazed by the pictures Justin was showing him.

“Here,” he said as he handed Gus another one. A picture of a bare-chested Brian holding Baby Gus carefully and kissing him.

“This is actually my favourite. He looks so serene and happy to be with you,” Justin said as he handed Gus another picture of himself with his father as a baby.

“He would forget all about the world around him whenever he got a chance to spend some time with you. He would just be happy to be able to spend some time with you,” Justin said as he handed Gus the last picture of the batch. A picture of them all in the diner, Brian obviously not paying any attention to anything going on around him and just focused on the small boy in his arms.

“Where did you get these?” Gus asked, looking at the pictures in wonder.

“I took some of them, some of them were taken by others, but I loved the way your Dad looked holding you, so I asked them to make a copy for me. Whenever your Dad held you, there was so much love and gentleness in him. He loved you from the moment you were born, Gus and I know that your Dad regrets that he didn't get to spend more time with you when you were younger.”

Justin then opened the sketchbook and showed Gus a couple of sketches. Sketches he himself had done of Brian and baby Gus. Brian gently cradling Gus in his arms, holding him close and secure, kissing him, looking at him from loving eyes.

“You have kept this all those years?” Gus asked as he looked at the sketchbook in wonder.

“Yeah,” Justin blushed, lowering his eyes. “There was just something about seeing your Dad with you. I loved seeing this loving side in him.”

“I bet you must be itching to sketch Dad and Vicky together,” Gus said, looking at his father by his side.

“You have no idea,” Justin chuckled, leaning closer to his son and pulling him into a hug. “Hopefully soon,” he whispered as he held the boy close.

“I am sure it will be soon,” Gus said, looking at his Papa from hazel eyes that were so much like his father's. “She is doing so much better now, it must be soon.”

Justin nodded, hoping that Gus was right.

“Maybe we can sketch them together, huh? What do you say?” Justin offered and was glad when Gus immediately nodded eagerly. “Your sketch of your Dad and Luke is really good. I am sure you'll give me a run for my money.”

“Never,” Gus chuckled, knowing that he was nowhere near as good or talented as his Papa was.

“How about we head downstairs and see how your Dad and Luke are doing?” Justin suggested, getting up from the futon, leaving the sketchbook and pictures there in case Gus wanted to look at them some more later.

“Okay,” Gus agreed, getting up as well and following Justin out of the room.

When they reached the door to the studio, Justin stopped and turned to look at Gus from sincere eyes.

“Your Dad and I both love you, Gus. More than anything, okay? And I am sorry if we haven't shown you in recent weeks, but never doubt it. We both love you.”

Gus smiled at the older man. “I know. I love you guys, too.”

Justin nodded, a smile on his face as he left the studio, Gus following behind him. Maybe they would all be alright by the time they made it through this. He could only hope.

Chapter 30

Less than a week later, eleven weeks after Victoria Rose Kinney-Taylor had been born, the big moment had arrived. Her fathers were allowed to hold her for the first time.

Both men had been beyond excited when the doctors had announced that Victoria had recovered from the surgery a week and a half ago just fine and had gained some further weight.

She was now 4 pounds and generally seemed to be doing better. A couple of days ago some of the machines and infusions had been removed and the day before, the doctors had removed the intubation tube and Vicky had breathed on her own for the first time. As she still had some problems with her lung capacity, the intubation tube had been replaced by a nasal cannula that supported her oxygen levels, much like the one Brian was still wearing to support his lungs. Having had the tube removed, also meant that Vicky had cried for the first time and it had broken Brian's and Justin's heart to hear her pitiful wails after the tube had been removed from her throat. The doctors had told them that the fact that she was crying was a good sign as it showed that her lung capacity and lung volume was improving.

And now, a day later, they would be allowed to hold her for the first time, would be allowed to try and feed her for the first time since she had been born. If she accepted the bottle and the feeding worked fine, she wouldn't need the feeding tube any longer either and would make another big step towards a full recovery and being a normal baby.

Brian and Justin had been ecstatic after the doctor's announcement the day before and had celebrated the good news at home with the boys by having pizza delivered and playing a game. Once the boys had been in bed, Brian and Justin had moved the celebration to their bedroom and had celebrated there.

Thankfully it had been one of Brian's good days as he was two days away from his next treatment and both he and Justin had enjoyed their lovemaking a lot. Since Brian's dick still hadn't shown any signs of life, Brian had used one of their vibrators on Justin and had gently tortured the man with it, until he had come screaming Brian's name at the top of his lungs. Once Justin had recovered, he had repaid the favour and had made love to Brian, touching and kissing the man all over as he plunged into him again and again. Brian might not have been able to ejaculate, but it had been obvious how much he had loved what Justin had been doing to his body and the fact that he had met each and every of Justin's thrusts had shown the younger man how much Brian had needed this as well.

Justin was glad that they had found ways to still satisfy each other in recent weeks and that despite everything that was going on they still had a sex life. Yes, it had changed and no, they didn't nearly have as much sex as they had before Brian had gotten ill, but that would have been ridiculous to expect. Their lives had changed a lot, but they had adapted and just like with everything else, they had tried to make the best of it.

Both Brian and Justin had been nervous as they had made their way over to the hospital that morning after dropping the boys off at school.

On their way up to the NICU, they had held hands and had squeezed the other's hand in support several times. It was obvious that both men were nervous and who could really blame them? Their daughter had nearly died when she had been born and the last three months had been a daily fight for her life and now, for the first time it looked as if that fight might be over for good and they would get to hold her, a sign of how much she had grown and progressed in recent weeks.

They made their way into the room with the incubators, and walked over to Vicky's incubator, where they could see their sleeping daughter. She looked so peaceful when she was sleeping, like there wasn't a care in the world. They could still see the scar from the brain surgery she had had a week and a half ago, but it didn't seem to bother her at all and she had recovered remarkably well from that surgery.

“Are you excited?” Pam, one of the nurses in NICU asked them as she came over to their incubator and saw them standing next to it, looking at their baby girl.

“You have no idea,” Justin enthused, a huge sunshine smile on his lips. Brian just nodded in agreement, not sure that he trusted his voice.

“Wanna get started then?” She asked, looking from one man to the other.

“Can we? I mean while she's still asleep?” Justin asked with a frown.

“We should be fine. We'll be careful. She shouldn't wake up,” Pam assured them, as she started opening the incubator, carefully lowering the glass door on the side, so she could reach inside and touch Victoria.

She carefully removed the infusion, making sure not to touch any of the bandages or band-aids keeping cables or other necessary equipment in place and then carefully lifted the small girl in her hands. Slowly pulling her out of the incubator, she gently cradled the small girl in her arms, smiling when she moved a little, raising her small fists, but otherwise didn't seem to wake up.

“There you go, princess,” she said quietly, as she nodded at Brian and Justin, with a questioning gaze. “Who wants to go first?” she asked, looking from one man to the other.

“You go,” they each said at the same time which made Pam chuckle.

“Okay, that's not going to work, gentlemen,” she joked, then saw how Brian took a step back and nodded at Justin.

“You go first.”

Justin seemed unsure and nervous and looked at Brian from doubtful eyes, but one reassuring look from Brian told him that it was okay and that he would be fine. Justin nodded, steeling his shoulders for what was to come, cursing himself for feeling so insecure all of a sudden.

This was his daughter. He had been seeing her day in and out for 11 weeks now. And it wasn't like she would be the first baby he would be holding. He had been holding Gus and JR before when they had been babies, he had even held Molly as a baby. Why did he feel so nervous now?

“You've got this, Sunshine,” Brian whispered at his side and Justin nodded gratefully, thanking him for the support.

He took a step closer to Pam and watched as she carefully handed Vicky over into his arms until she was sure that he had her.

Once he held her, she took a step back and smiled at him. “There you go, Daddy.”

Justin chuckled, then nodded at Brian. “That would actually be him. I am Papa,” he said quietly, before he leaned down and looked at the small baby girl in his arms.

“Hey princess, how are you? Are you okay? You've got no idea how good it feels to finally be able to hold you,” he said quietly, running a soft fingertip across his daughter's cheek, being careful not to touch the oxygen cannula she still needed to help her with her breathing.

He turned to look at Brian, wanting to share this moment with his partner and wasn't surprised to see that Brian was taking pictures of him. Of course he would be. Brian and a camera were a match made in heaven and Brian loved taking pictures of Justin and the kids. Why would it be different with him and Vicky?

“Hey Daddy, stop taking pictures and come over here,” Justin teased, urging Brian to come closer, which he did a second later.

“Hey princess, this is your Daddy,” Brian whispered, replacing Justin's fingertip and its soft carress of his daughter's cheek.

Both men felt very emotional as Justin held their daughter for the first time and neither of them wanted the moment to end.

Pam pointed to the chairs next to Vicky's incubator and urged the men to sit down with her. Both men did as suggested by her, their eyes never leaving their daughter's sleeping form in Justin's arms.

“You call me if you need me, okay?” She said, before she moved away to another incubator when both men nodded.

“She hardly weighs anything,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian from teary eyes. “She's light as a feather.”

“She won't be forever. She's already more than doubled her weight in the last few weeks.”

Justin nodded, his eyes never leaving his daughter's body in his arms, gently running his fingers across her tiny arms, to her small raised fist.

“You look good holding her,” Brian said, looking at Justin from shining eyes.

“You think? It just feels so alien. And I don't know why. I mean, I've held Gus and JR when they were babies. This just feels so different somehow.”

“Because she's yours. She's your daughter. That makes all the difference,” Brian said with surety, giving Justin's shoulder a squeeze.

“Did you feel like that with Gus and Luke?” Justin asked, looking up at Brian from questioning eyes.

“Yeah,” the older man admitted, looking lovingly at his partner and their daughter in his arms. “It makes all the difference when you're holding your own child.”

“I never want to let her go again,” the blond said next, looking back down at the baby in his arms.

“Hey, I want my turn with her as well,” Brian playfully replied, reaching out a hand to touch Justin's cheek. When he saw the first tear run down the cheek, he gently wiped it away. “You okay, Sunshine?”

Justin nodded, before he looked up and met Brian's concerned eyes. “Yeah, just feeling a bit overwhelmed right now.”

Brian knew that Justin didn't just feel overwhelmed because he was holding Vicky, but also because holding her brought back memories of what he had missed with Luke. Moments he would never be able to experience with his son because of what Brian had done.

Brian gently caressed the cheek in his hands and looked at Justin sadly. “I know it doesn't change anything, Sunshine, but I am sorry.”

“It's okay, Brian,” Justin said, holding Brian's gaze. “I know you are. I am okay. It's just a lot to process right now,” Justin smiled, trying to convey to Brian that he was really okay. He didn't want this first moment of being with their daughter in this way to be tainted by memories of a past long gone.

Understanding that Justin was indeed fine and didn't want to talk about it now, Brian nodded, just enjoying the view of his partner with their daughter. For the time being he was just fine leaving her in Justin's arms for as long as the younger man needed to hold her.

Justin held their daughter and Brian and Justin talked quietly to her for another half an hour, before she started stirring, making it obvious that she would be waking up soon.

“Hey, I think someone would like to join this party,” Brian said with a smile, happy when he saw the honest smile on Justin's face as their gazes met.

“It's about time, princess. Daddy and I can't wait to see your baby blues from up close.”

Victoria had shining blue eyes, which Brian claimed she had inherited from her Papa. When Justin pointed out that eye colour in babies wasn't really set until the age of two and most babies were born with blue eyes, Brian had just replied that she had light blond hair as well, so much like Luke, she had probably gotten a lot of Justin's looks much like her older brother.

Justin didn't seem as convinced of that as Brian was and pointed out that she definitely had inherited her father's nose. While Brian absolutely couldn't see that, Gus had immediately agreed with Justin on his assessment that Victoria's nose was definitely Brian's. Maybe it was something only artists could see. Who was he to question his two resident artists?

A couple of minutes later, Vicky had fully woken up and was looking around at everyone and everything with wide, blue eyes.

“Hey baby girl. How are you? I am so happy to finally be able to hold you,” Justin said quietly, as Vicky's fist reached up for his face and touched his chin.

Her fingers then uncurled and moved to his face, before she started looking around. Not quite sure what to make of what she was seeing, she decided to do what babies did best and started crying in her father's arms.

“Hey, shhhhhhh, don't cry. It's okay, baby girl,” Justin whispered, trying to soothe the crying baby in his arms. Her crying had now increased to wailing and he helplessy looked over to Brian.

“Hey, sweetie. Don't cry. You're making your Papa sad,” Brian said quietly, running a finger down her cheek gently.

They saw how she turned her head in the direction of Brian's voice and seemed to point her small hands in his direction.

“Really?” Justin asked, looking at Brian in mock accusation. “I can't believe she already likes you more than me.”

“She probably recognises my voice and knows that I carried her. She probably expects me to have food for her,” Brian said reasonably, holding his finger out to his daughter, not surprised when she pulled it towards her mouth and started sucking on it. “She's hungry. She is your daughter after all.”

“And sucks like a pro,” Justin grinned. He saw Brian grin back at him, but saw him wipe that grin off his face when Pam came over to them, holding a small bottle of formula in her hands.

“Someone is hungry, huh?” She said, directing her sentence at the small girl that was still sucking on her Daddy's finger while in her father's arm. “How about we try this and see how feeding her with the bottle works?”

Justin and Brian nodded, watching as Pam kneeled down in front of Justin. She told Brian to remove his finger, which immediately resulted in Vicky wailing again. She then handed the bottle of warm formula to Justin. “Try to get her to drink from it,” she said gently, watching as Justin led the bottle to Vicky's small mouth.

At first she continued wailing and crying, not really realising what was happening, until she felt something in her mouth. When her lips closed around the small teat, she seemed almost confused for a minute, before she started sucking on it like she had on her father's finger before.

Her tears immediately stopped and she seemed to eye everything around her in mild fascination as she continued sucking on the teat.

“That's it,” Pam said proudly as she watched Vicky eagerly drink her first bottle.

“Try to get her to drink the whole bottle,” she directed at Brian and Justin, who both nodded. “We want to get some more meat on these bones, right, sweetie?”

She then left the little family alone and moved over to some of her other patients.

“Sucking like a pro,” Brian confirmed once Pam had left, picking up Justin's earlier comment. “Truly our child, just like her brother.”

Justin couldn't help but grin, feeling happy that his daughter was taking her meal from the bottle instead of the infusions attached to her small body. Maybe things would finally start looking up for her.

Vicky managed to empty almost all of the bottle and Justin handed her over to Brian, deciding that he had already held on to her long enough, so that Brian could gently burp her. He cursed himself for not having taken his sketchpad to the hospital because right then he didn't want to do anything more than sketch the beautiful scene of Brian burping their daughter.

He memorised the scene and knew that he would sketch it later that night. Gus had been right, he was itching to sketch Brian and Victoria. Brian and babies was just a sight to behold. Who didn't love seeing a man like Brian gently cradle a small baby in his arms, holding her close, secure, protecting her from all harm in his arms, looking at her with all the love he could feel? To Justin it was one of the best sights in the world.

As he watched Brian with their daughter, he wondered if maybe the bad days would finally be over. As far as he was concerned they had definitely been through enough. More than enough.

They were finally able to hold their daughter, to feed her from a bottle like any other baby, had been informed by doctors that if she continued to improve like she was now, she might be able to leave the NICU soon, to be transferred to the neonatal ward where her brothers would finally be allowed to come and visit her as well.

Brian only had two more treatments to go, then his first cycle of chemotherapy would be over. So far the doctors were cautiously optimistic, claiming that so far Brian's bloodwork and other test results looked good and the cancer hadn't spread.

Maybe, just maybe the worst was really over and they would be able to move on soon. Justin really hoped so.

Chapter 31

“Morning,” Gus yawned, as he walked into the kitchen.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” Brian greeted him, ruffling his son's hair as he shuffled past him, still half asleep.

“What's this?” Gus asked as his eyes widened and he looked at the table in front of him.

“People usually refer to it as breakfast,” Justin quipped as he took a sip from his coffee while biting into his waffle.

“But... it's huge!” Gus exclaimed, looking at everything on the table. There were pancakes, waffles, scrambled eggs, bacon, toast, cereal, bagels and so much more. He could also see fruit salad, yoghurt and what looked like orange juice, freshly pressed of course.

“Daddy and I cooked,” Luke helpfully informed his brother.

“You really are feeling better, huh?” Gus chuckled, looking at his father with a smile before he moved over to the table.

Brian's last chemotherapy treatment had been over two weeks ago and once the treatments had ended and Brian's body had been able to recover from the chemicals that weren't only attacking his cancerous cells, but also his healthy cells, he had started to feel better bit by bit.

So far the doctors were optimistic that no further chemotherapy treatment might be needed. They hadn't been able to detect any further or new cancerous cells so far and for that Brian had been eternally grateful.

He had felt so relieved when all his tests had come back negative after the treatments had ended and for the time being he was officially in remission and healthy. The doctors were still monitoring him closely and he still would have to go in for continuous tests, making sure that no new cancerous cells would pop up in his lungs or somewhere else, but for now Brian felt good.

He still tired easily and he still looked like shit what with all the weight he had lost and with his loss of hair, but for the first time in months he was finally starting to feel human again and was finally starting to feel like he could have a normal life once more.

Everyone in their family had been overjoyed at the good news, though Brian and Justin had tried to be honest with Gus and Luke and had explained to them that even though Brian might be healthy for now, cancer could come back and they might have to do another round of chemotherapy if that happened.

Nonetheless, the boys had been ecstatic and it had done them good to see their Daddy do better day by day.

“I am doing great,” Brian said with a smile, giving his son's shoulder a squeeze.

He knew how hard the last few months had been on his family, he knew how worried Gus and Luke had been for him and he didn't want to worry them any more than was necessary. For now he was doing well and that's what he wanted them to see.

“Now have breakfast. We have been waiting for you. We have plans,” Brian announced, nodding towards the clock that showed almost 10.30am.

“Plans? What plans? It's Saturday. Aren't you heading to the hospital soon?” Gus frowned as he sat down in his usual seat at the kitchen table and grabbed a waffle and some syrup.

“It's a surprise,” Justin announced. “Your brother was almost ready to barge into your room and wake you up himself in all his excitement.”

“A surprise? What surprise?” Gus frowned, obviously still not fully awake.

“It wouldn't be a surprise if we told you, would it?” Brian winked, then grabbed a piece of bacon from Justin's plate.

“Hey, that's mine. Get your own,” the blond exclaimed to the amusement of both boys. They were used to Brian stealing food from Justin's plate all the time.

“Yours tastes better,” Brian just grinned, then ate it in front of Justin's face.

“It tastes exactly the same,” Justin pointed out with a huff, before deciding that this conversation wouldn't lead anywhere. They had had it before.

“So, are we going somewhere?” Gus asked, trying to divert the attention back to the surprise their fathers had obviously planned for him and Luke.

“Yes, we are,” was all his father replied and Gus just rolled his eyes, not surprised he hadn't found out more.

An hour later, everyone was ready to leave and they were all seated in the car. Justin was driving, looking at Brian with a conspiratorial smile.

They left Britin and headed for Pittsburgh. That still didn't give the boys much of an idea of where they were headed, until they pulled into the parking lot for the Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium.

“We're going to the zoo?” Luke exclaimed in excitement, looking at his fathers in the front of the car. “Really?”

Justin found a parking spot and then turned around with a smile. “Yes. We thought it would be nice to have a day where it was just the four of us. All day. We can go and take a look at all the animals, maybe do the zipline, we can go and sketch some of the animals,” he added in Gus' direction, knowing that the boy claimed to be too old for the zoo, but still loved coming here with Justin to sketch the animals and improve his art.

“Yay!” Luke exclaimed much to Justin's and Brian's amusement. They had known that he would love the idea. He loved the zoo, loved the elephants, penguins and polar bears in particular and always got excited when they went to the zoo.

“That's cool,” Gus agreed, though in a much calmer, less excited way than his younger brother.

They left the car and made their way to the entrance of the zoo, Justin talking to Luke while Brian walked with Gus. “You okay, sonny boy? Not disappointed?”

“No, this is cool. I love coming here. Maybe Papa and I can try sketching the penguins this time.”

Brian nodded to the huge bag that Justin was carrying over his shoulder. “It's full of pencils and sketchbooks. He's all yours,” he winked, then nodded towards Luke. “I promise to keep him busy with the polar bears, so you two have time to sketch.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Gus smiled, appreciating that his Dad would keep Luke busy, so he and Justin could have some time to sketch on their own.

For the first part of their visit they stayed together, the four of them heading from animal exhibtion to animal exhibition, until they reached the PPG Aquarium.

Justin and Gus looked for a good spot to be able to sketch the penguins, while Luke quickly got bored and urged his brother and father to move on and go and see the next exhibit.

As Brian had promised, he agreed to go ahead with Luke to see the polar bears and they agreed to meet up again in the aquarium later.

Everyone seemed happy enough and they all had a good day.

Once their trip to the zoo was over, Brian turned back to the boys in the backseat. “Are you guys tired or do you feel ready for another surprise?”

“Another surprise?” Luke's eyes had gotten large, not able to believe his luck. Two surprises in one day? It had to be his lucky day.

“We're always ready for surprises,” Gus announced, nodding at his smaller brother, who eagerly agreed with him.

“Okay, then on to the second surprise, Sunshine,” Brian said, squeezing Justin's thigh as he put the car into drive and got out of the parking lot.

They left Pittsburgh and made to return home, but when they passed the exit to Britin, Gus frowned. “Where are we going?”

“You'll see,” Justin said, smiling back at the boy in the back seat. “It's a good surprise. You'll both like it.”

“Yeah, you will,” Brian agreed, a smile on his lips.

Another ten minutes later they pulled into the parking lot for the hospital and Gus was the first to catch on. “NO WAY!” He exclaimed, looking in obvious excitement from Brian to Justin and back.

“What? Why are we here? Are you sick again, Daddy?” Luke asked, recognising the hospital, but not quite understanding why they were here. So far, every time they had been here, they had visited Brian who had been a patient.

“We're not here for me, sonny boy. Don't worry. I am good!” Brian assured him, seeing the concerned look in his younger son's eyes. “How about going and visiting your sister?” He said and he couldn't help but chuckle when Luke's eyes widened. God, he really was a mini version of Justin.

“You guys want to go and see her?” Justin asked, smiling from ear to ear when he turned around to look at the dumbfounded boys in the back seat.

“We can see her? Really?”

“Really, sonny boy,” Brian assured, opening his seatbelt. “She has been doing a lot better in recent weeks and the doctors said she's ready to be in the normal neonatal ward now. No more intensive care unit for her which means that you can now come and see her as well.”

“Oh God, yes, please!” Luke happily exclaimed, being his usual bundle of engery and excitement.

As they all got out of the car, Gus walked next to his father and leaned into Brian's side. “This is great, Dad. I am so happy to finally see her.”

“I know, sonny boy. And I am happy that you'll finally get to meet her.”

Brian rested his arm around Gus' shoulder and held him close as they made their way up to the neonatal ward.

“Can I hold her, Papa? Please? I promise I will be careful,” Luke asked his father, firing one question after the next at him. Justin just smiled and took them all in, understanding and honestly feeling quite happy about his son's excitement.

It had been weird to know that Luke and Gus had a sister and for them to not know her for three months. He and Brian had tried to involve the boys as much as possible and had shown them as many pictures and sketches as they could, but deep inside Justin had been afraid that maybe they would never be close because they hadn't been able to build a relationship when Vicky had been a newborn. He hadn't realised until now, when he felt his relief, how real that fear had been. Thankfully, both Gus and Luke seemed more than excited to finally meet their sister, which made Justin feel better about the whole situation.

“Of course you can,”Justin promised as they rode the elevator up to the correct floor.

Once there, Brian turned to both Gus and Luke. “There are a lot of small babies in there who scare easily, so no yelling or running or anything, okay? Just try to keep it quiet.”

Both boys nodded, making it clear that they understood what their father had said.

They made their way along a corridor, until they stopped outside a room. When Justin opened the door, he smiled when he saw that Vicky wasn't alone. They had called their family earlier, had asked them if someone could go and be at the hospital while they spent a day with the boys, a day that was much needed by the boys and by them and thankfully several people had volunteered and Vicky hadn't been alone while her fathers had been gone to spend some time with her brothers.

“Hey guys,” he greeted the group in the room. Emmett was holding Vicky in his arms, giving her her bottle, while Debbie sat at a nearby table, talking to Ted and Blake, all of them watching as Emmett fed the small girl in his arms.

Everyone in the room smiled back at them, all of them knowing that this was the first time Gus and Luke met their sister.

Emmett came over with Vicky in his arms, slowly handing her over to Justin, who carefully took her and continued feeding her without a break.

“How was the zoo?” Emmett asked everyone, happy to see four faces smiling back in response.

“It was great, Auntie Em,” Gus answered quietly. “Papa and I sketched the penguins.”

“Oh, you did? That's nice.”

“Do you wanna see the sketches?” Gus offered, knowing that his Auntie Em loved seeing his art.

“How about later, sonny boy? There's someone you have to meet first,” Brian interrupted, reminding his sonny boy why they were there.

Gus nodded, returning his attention back to the baby in his Papa's arms.

“We'll go and get some coffee,” Debbie said, squeezing Brian's shoulder as she walked past him. He smiled gratefully at Ted and Blake and Emmett as they joined her and left him and his family alone.

For the first time it was just the five of them. Him, Justin and their three children.

Justin settled down in one of the chairs with the baby in his arms, then urged for Gus and Luke to come closer.

They immediately went over and stood at his side, watching in fascination as he fed her.

“She's so small,” Luke said in obvious awe.

“You have no idea, sonny boy,” Brian said as he joined them, ruffling his son's hair. “She was a lot smaller when she was first born. She was hardly bigger than your Papa's hand.”

“Really?” Luke asked from wide eyes, looking as the little girl looked at him and Gus, then her Papa and Daddy, then continued sucking on the teat in her mouth.

“Really,” Justin agreed. “She has already grown a lot in the last three months.”

When the bottle was empty, Justin removed it and looked at the baby in his arms. “Hey princess, you think you can do this one without crying?” he said gently, as he lifted Vicky up, ready to burp her. He nodded gratefully as Brian handed him a cloth, so his clothes wouldn't get dirty.

She immediately started crying in Justin's arms and Justin smiled at her from gentle eyes. “You're a drama queen, you know that?”

“Why is she crying?” Luke asked, looking at the baby in his father's arms in concern.

“She doesn't like it when I burp her. She prefers when your Daddy does it,” he winked, then handed her carefully over to Brian, who had already appeared by his side and taken the cloth from his shoulder, to settle it on his own. When Brian had her in his arms, he started slowly walking around with her, while he tried to burp her.

“You are a big drama queen. Your Papa is right about that one,” He winked at the baby who had immediately calmed down once she had been settled in his arms, leaning into his chest.

Justin watched from loving eyes as Brian held her securely until she burped. He then nodded at the chair next to Justin's. “Do you guys want to hold her?”

“Can we?” Gus asked, obviously not having listened to Justin's and Luke's earlier conversation.

“Yes, of course,” Justin nodded, pointing at the chair beside him. He then got up and nodded at his own chair as well. “Just sit down there. While she's still this small, it's easier to hold her when you're sitting.”

Both boys eagerly made their way over to the chairs and immediately sat down in them.

“Luke can hold her first. I have held him when he was a baby, I know what it feels like,” Gus announced generously and both Justin and Brian eyed him gratefully. At least there wouldn't be a fight about who could hold her first. Thanks for small mercies.

When both boys were settled, Brian came over with Vicky and placed her in Luke's arms. “That's it, sonny boy. Just make sure that your arm lifts up her head and that you hold her securely.”

Luke nodded, looking really focused as he carefully held his baby sister.

“Hey Vicky, say hi to your big brother Luke,” Brian said quietly, still holding on to her small hand while Luke held her. Vicky looked from him to Luke, obviously confused about what was happening and why her Daddy wasn't holding her anymore.

Just when it looked as if she was about to burst into tears and Brian had gotten ready to take her back, she opened her mouth for another loud burp, then settled into her brother's arms peacefully.

“Drama princess,” Brian joked, his eyes meeting Justin's.

“Your daughter,” Justin mouthed at him and Brian held his arms up in innocence which made Justin laugh.

Luke held her for several minutes, before she became a bit restless and started getting fussy in his arms.

“Did I do something wrong?” He immediately asked in concern, but both Brian and Justin calmed him down immediately.

“You did great, sonny boy. She's just getting tired. This has been a lot of excitement for her as well.”

“Yeah, she still sleeps a lot and gets tired easily,” Justin agreed with what Brian had said, watching as she calmed down once she was in his arms again.

It amused Justin to no end how Vicky seemed to have a special connection with Brian somehow. Every time she was about to start crying or was crying, she would stop immediately when he started holding her. She would continue crying in anyone else's arms, be it Justin's, her grandmothers' or her uncles' arms, but the moment Brian held her, she would calm down.

At first Justin had felt a bit sad about not having that special connection with his daughter, but then he had realised that it was probably due to Brian having carried her for months. She must have realised that he had been the one to carry her. How could that not create a special bond?

By now, Justin mostly found it amusing how she would tear up in everyone's arms, until she was placed in Brian's and would immediately calm down in his.

Or maybe Brian just had a magic touch when it came to babies. Who knew? Both Debbie and his mom had told him that Luke had hardly ever cried either when in Brian's arms.

Not that Justin could blame either Luke or Vicky. He loved being in Brian's arms and knew how comforting those arms could be when they held him securely.

Over the last three weeks, ever since they had first been able to hold her, both Brian and Justin had done a lot of kangaroo care with her and had held her naked body to their bare chests, holding her close, allowing her to hear their heart beats, to feel their skin and their body heat and it had done all three of them a lot of good.

It had given Brian and Justin, especially Justin, a chance to build a relationship with her and experience a new closeness with her that he hadn't experienced with her before, unlike Brian who had been carrying her and it had helped her to regulate her breathing and heart rate, to sleep more deeply and to generally be more quiet and alert and less crying.

They had quickly found out that Vicky loved lying on their chests, loved touching their chests, their faces and everything she could reach with her small fists, while she looked at everything from wide eyes.

It had done all three of them good and had helped them a lot, building a relationship after the long months of her being in the incubator and them not being allowed to touch her.

“Do you want to hold her?” Brian asked Gus, who was still sitting in the chair.

“Only if it's okay. I don't want to upset her.”

“It will be fine. She's tired, but you should be fine for a couple of minutes,” Brian assured his son, before he carefully handed over the baby in his arms.

Gus securely held her, making sure that her head was supported and looked at her from awed hazel eyes.

“Hey baby sister. I am Gus. Your big brother.”

Vicky looked at him, as if trying to understand what he was saying, reaching out her small hands in his direction.

Gus took one of those small hands and gently held her fingers. “I promise to always protect you, no matter what. Just like I did when Luke was a baby,” he said, taking her hand to his mouth and gently kissing it.

Brian's and Justin's eyes met and they both had unshed tears in their eyes.

Both Gus and Luke would be amazing big brothers, they had no doubt.

Chapter 32

After their visit to the hospital had ended, they had all returned home. Justin had offered to take care of dinner and Luke had immediately offered to help him as he often did. Gus had asked if he could go to Justin's studio, saying that he wanted to look through some of the sketches he had done at the zoo earlier that day. Justin had allowed it, knowing that Gus would be careful and the studio would be fine.

Which left Brian, who had obviously become really exhausted the longer the day had gone on. By the time they had left the hospital, Brian had almost been as tired as Vicky had been. Justin could see how tired his eyes looked, could see how hunched his shoulders were and more than anything, he could hear it in Brian's breathing. It wasn't labored, but it souded far from as good as it normally did, despite the supplementary oxygen Brian still carried around with him all the time.

In recent months he had had sessions with a physiotherapist to help him improve his lung capacity and to help him get used to his new, lower lung capacity, but as he had been undergoing chemotherapy and had been suffering from the side effects, the physiotherapy had only been able to achieve so much and the doctors had assured Brian that once he was feeling more up to his old self, the physiotherapy would start to show improvement and his lung capacity would increase.

Brian hoped that it was true because he hated carrying around the supplementary oxygen. He hated having to wear the nasal cannula, he hated the way people looked at him and eyed him, wondering what was wrong with him.

While his family had pretty much gotten used to the look of the nasal cannula, having seen it for months now, he still hated the way people he didn't know looked at him and he really hoped that he would be able to get rid of it soon.

As it was, he still needed it now and he still tired way more easily than he would have before his surgery and before the chemotherapy. Even a simple visit to the zoo had wiped him completely.

“Go and lie down, you're dead on your feet,” Justin said quietly as he made his way over to where Brian was sitting in one of the kitchen chairs. He was hardly able to keep his eyes open and his head up from the looks of it. “I'll get you when dinner is ready.”

“Nah, I am fine,” Brian replied, not getting any further.

“You really are the most stubborn man I've ever met, do you know that? It's clear to everyone that you're absolutely exhausted. Why don't you just go and lie down until dinner is ready? Please?”

Brian met Justin's eyes and saw the concern in them. He knew that Justin only meant well and more than that, he knew that Justin was right. He needed a nap. Even though it made him feel like a baby and much weaker than he wanted to be, there was no arguing: He needed that nap.

In the end he just nodded. “Okay.”

“Thanks,” Justin said honestly, looking at Brian's tired face. “I love you,” he said for good measure, leaning in for a quick kiss.

“Love you, too.”

Brian then got up and left the kitchen, leaving Justin and Luke in charge of dinner. He made his way into their bedroom and tiredly lay down on the bed, not even bothering with the blanket. He just lay down and immediately fell asleep.

He didn't know how long he had been asleep when he was woken up by small fingers running over his cheek and his head. For a second he wondered if it was Justin, after all he had said that he would get Brian and wake him up, but the touch felt different to what Justin normally felt like.

Brian forced one eye to open, raising one eyelid and looked at the still form of Luke at his side, who looked at him from his big, blue eyes.

“Hey, sonny boy,” Brian said, letting his son know that he was awake.

“Hey, daddy,” Luke replied, smiling his own version of a sunshine smile at Brian.

“What are you doing here? Is dinner ready?”

Luke shook his head, his blond locks everywhere. “No, it's in the oven. I was bored.”

“Where is your Papa?” Brian frowned, knowing that Luke had been with him.

“On the phone with Aunt Daphne. She called when we put the food in the oven.”

“Well, Daphne has always had great timing,” Brian winked, knowing that it could be a while before Justin and her were done talking. Even though they talked several times a week, they still had no problem talking for hours on end.

“She says hi,” Luke said with a smile. He liked Daphne and had always liked her humour.

“Ah, so you've spoken to her as well?”

“Hmmm, I picked up the phone since Papa was putting the food in the oven,” Luke explained as if Brian should have figured that one out himself.

“Are your Papa and Daphne having their conversation in the kitchen?” Brian wondered, for a second wondering if maybe he should head down and keep an eye on dinner.

“Yeah, Daddy said he would watch dinner. He told me to go and watch some TV or play or read, but I didn't want to.”

“Why not? You love reading or playing with your games,” Brian pointed out, knowing that both his sons didn't really care that much about watching TV. Yes, sure they all loved watching a movie together or watching some TV show together in the evening, but in general, his sons were a lot less interested in TV than other kids their ages were and spent a lot more time doing other stuff instead.

“I wanted to be with you,” Luke said earnestly, looking at Brian from his big blue eyes.

“Why? I was sleeping. That must have been very boring.”

Luke just shrugged in response like that hadn't mattered. “I missed you.”

“I am right here, sonny boy,” Brian muttered, feeling slightly confused by Luke's statement. What did he mean he had missed him?

“I know, but...I just wanted to spend some time with you.”

“Are you okay, Luke? Is everything alright?” Brian asked, feeling slightly concerned by the way Luke's eyes were now shining. Almost as if he was about to start crying.

Luke nodded bravely, before he hid his head in Brian's shoulder, no longer looking at him.

“Hey, it's okay. You can tell me, you know?” Brian said gently, turning onto his side and holding Luke close as the younger boy leaned into his chest and embrace.

“I love you, Daddy,” Luke whispered, still hiding his face in Brian's chest, holding on tightly.

“I know you do. And I love you. More than anything,” Brian responded sincerely, running his hand through his son's blond locks.

“I am glad you're feeling better, Daddy,” Luke said next, pulling slightly back and looking into his father's face that still clearly showed the effects of the ordeal he had been through in the last three months. “And that Vicky is doing better.”

“Thanks, sonny boy. I am glad too. And very relieved.”

“Were you scared, Daddy? I was scared,” Luke admitted, looking at Brian from wide eyes.

“I was very scared,” Brian admitted to his son, running his hands through his hair. “I was scared that I would never see you grow up and get married or start a career or have children on your own. I was scared that Vicky wouldn't be healthy, that she would be too small and too sick and wouldn't be okay. I was scared that you and Gus wouldn't be okay because we didn't have as much time for you as we normally did,” Brian admitted, not quite sure what made him say all of that to his young son, but somehow it seemed like the right thing to say.

“You were scared as well?” Luke asked, his surprise obvious. “I thought you don't get scared, Daddy.”

“Oh, I can get scared. And I was very scared that I would have to say goodbye to you, Gus and your Papa. That scared me more than anything.”

“When I got scared, I went to Papa and he would give me a hug and hold me and tell me that everything would be okay. And he was right, Papa doesn't lie.”

“No, he doesn't. And his hugs are the best, aren't they? I know I went to him for hugs quite a bit as well when I got scared.”

“But who gives Papa a hug when he gets scared?” Luke asked, a worried frown on his forehead. “If he gives all of us hugs, who gives him a hug?”

“I did, at least I tried. And I know that he got hugs from your grandma Jen and grandma Debbie, from Auntie Em. Talking to Auntie Daphne must have felt like getting a hug from her. And I know that you and Gus gave him hugs as well. I am sure they helped him more than you know. I know they always help me.”

“That's good. He should be getting hugs as well. Maybe we should give him a hug later,” Luke suggested, looking at his father from thoughtful eyes.

“Yeah, we should. He definitely deserves a good hug,” Brian agreed, knowing that Justin deserved so much more than just a hug. But maybe a hug would be a good start to pay him back for everything he had done for their family in recent months.

He had pretty much put his own life on hold to be able to take care of Brian, Vicky and Gus and Luke. Brian knew that he would never be able to thank him enough for that. And even more than that, he knew that Justin would never expect any thanks from him in return. That was not the type of person Justin was. He did things for the people he loved without expecting anything back. If he loved someone, he would gladly stop his own life to help them and Brian knew better than anyone how much Justin loved him and their family.

Brian smiled when he felt Luke's arms encircle him and pull him closer. “I thought you wanted to hug your Papa,” he chuckled when he felt Luke hugging him.

“And you! You deserve a hug as well.”

“Awwwwww, come here, sonny boy,” Brian said, emotions all over the place, pulling Luke closer. “You deserve one as well. You're a good boy.”

“Daddy,” Luke said after a while in which they had both been quiet. “Will Vicky come home soon?”

“Hopefully,” Brian answered truthfully. “She's doing a lot better now, but the doctors want her to still gain a bit more weight before she can leave the hospital.”

“And until then we can go and visit her in the hospital?” Luke asked, looking at his father's face from his own questioning gaze.

“Yeah, you can. If you want, we can go and see her again tomorrow.”

“Yes, please! I want her to know us. I want her to know our family and I want her to know that we love her. She must be very lonely at the hospital.”

“She gets a lot of visitors. You saw that earlier. Auntie Em, Uncle Teddy and Blake, Grandma Deb. And that was just today. She's very busy with all her visitors,” Brian joked, glad when Luke smiled at that bit of information.

“So she's not lonely and scared?”

“No, she's not. She's got a lot of people coming by day by day that love her and want to spend time with her and from now on, she'll also have you and Gus coming by. She's a very busy little baby girl.”

“That's good, I don't want her to be scared or lonely.”

“She's not,” Brian assured his son once more, looking at his happy face. “Maybe we should go down and check and see if your Papa is still alive, what do you say?” Brian suggested next, thinking that it was time for someone to check on dinner.

“Can I ask one more thing?” Luke asked, eyeing Brian curiously.

“Sure,” Brian nodded as he slowly sat up, helping his son sit up next to him.

“Now that your therapy is over, will your hair come back?” Luke asked, raising his eyes to Brian's bald head.

Brian nodded, trying to look as encouraging as he could. “Yeah. It might take some time, but it will come back one day. We just have to be patient. It could still be a couple of weeks or maybe even months.”

“That's good,” Luke said sincerely, leaning in and kissing his father's cheek.

“Why?” Brian couldn't help but ask, wondering why Luke would care about his hair.

“Then everything will be back to normal. Just as it should be,” Luke said seriously, a sunshine smile breaking out on his face. “And then we can play soccer again, right?”

“Right,” Brian agreed, infected by his son's enthusiasm. “Everything will be normal again.”

“That's good. I like normal,” Luke announced, before he got off the bed and headed for the door. “Love you, Daddy.”

“Love you, too, sonny boy,” Brian smiled as he followed his son, squeezing his shoulder as he left the bedroom behind him.

Out of the mouths of babes. He definitely liked normal as well. Who would have ever thought? Who would have ever thought it possible that Brian Kinney, Stud of Liberty Avenue would long for his life to return to normal and who would have ever thought that normal would include having a partner, children and being happy with that family? Sometimes life sure didn't make a lot of sense. And yet, it still felt so right.

Chapter 33

Another three weeks later, the big day had finally arrived. The doctors had deemed Vicky well enough to release her from the neonatal ward and to let her go home with her fathers.

Four months after she had been born, she had finally gained enough weight and had grown enough to be allowed to go home.

In recent weeks Brian and Justin had made sure to bring Gus and Luke as often as they could and by now the boys had gotten really good with her. They had both fed her and changed her diapers (though neither boy had seemed particularly impressed with that) and had bonded with her ever since they had been allowed to see her for the first time.

At home things had also returned to normal more and more with Brian slowly gaining back some of the weight he had lost during the chemotherapy and looking less and less like a walking ghost. He still hadn't reached his old weight, he still looked paler than usual, but as far as Justin was concerned, Brian already looked a lot better than he had just two months ago when he had been at the height of his chemotherapy.

Thanks to additional physiotherapy sessions, now that he was stronger and feeling better, Brian's breathing and lung capacity had also improved and he had been able to get rid of the much hated nasal cannula. He still had supplementary oxygen at home in case he needed it or got out of breath, which would sometimes happen at the end of long days when he hadn't made sure to take the breaks his body still needed or when he had done something he shouldn't have, like play soccer with Luke, but most days he seemed to cope fine now without the supplementary oxygen and he seemed to get by well with his lower lung capacity.

It had been a challenge to get Brian to listen to his body and to the signs it was giving him. Brian had never been an easy patient and Justin wasn't surprised that this time was no different. Brian hated being sick, hated not being at the top of his strength and most of all he hated admitting anything that could be seen as weakness.

His doctors had warned him that between the toll the chemotherapy and surgery had taken on him and the toll of his now decreased lung function, it would take his body some time to get back to where it had been when he had been healthy. They had warned him that he would tire more easily and needed to give himself time for more breaks. In typical Brian Kinney fashion, he had however ignored their advice, because really, what did doctors know, right? - and had gone just ahead as always, claiming that he didn't need breaks and was doing fine when everyone could see that he wasn't.

In the end it had taken a trip to the emergency room because he had been short of breath and hadn't been able to get his breathing back under control and a stern warning from Justin to get him to see that he needed to listen to his body and needed to give it the time to heal that it demanded. After everything Brian had been through in recent months, he couldn't just go on as he had before.

Thankfully that trip to the emergency room had been a wake up call for Brian and he had realised that maybe the doctors weren't so wrong after all. He had apologised to Justin for scaring him and had promised to do better.

And he had: He hadn't been back to the office once, had only replied to a handful of emails that were work related so far and mostly spent his hours taking it easy and spending time with Justin and his kids whenever possible.

Everyone knew that this change of pace wasn't easy on Brian, so they tried to be as patient as they could be whenever he got into a mood, but mostly things had improved a lot in recent weeks.

Between spending time at the hospital and trying to spend some quality time with Gus and Luke to make up for any missed time in recent months, there hadn't been much time for anything else anyway.

“Are you ready to get out of here?” Justin asked, looking around the room, giving it one last glance to make sure that they had packed all of Vicky's belongings and not forgotten anything.

“You have no idea,” Brian muttered, gently cradling his daughter in his arms, looking at her rosy cheeks as she happily made spit bubbles.

“Yeah, I won't miss this place either,” Justin agreed, before he grabbed the bag with the last of their stuff and headed for the door.

They stopped to say a quick goodbye to some of the nurses that they had become well acquainted with in recent months, then made their way to their car.

By the time they had reached the car and gotten Vicky secured in the car seat, she had fallen asleep, making both Justin and Brian smile.

“This is the most exciting day of her life so far and she sleeps? I can't believe it,” Justin chuckled as he looked from Vicky to Brian, then leaned in for a quick kiss before he and Brian got into the car as well.

“She is your daughter. She can fall asleep anywhere at anytime. It's a rare talent.”

“Now she is my daughter?” Justin raised an eyebrow. “I'll remind you the next time she spits all over me and demands to be held by you.”

Brian winked as he started the car. “You know how it goes. It always depends on the circumstances...”

“Pfft,” Justin just snorted, then rested his hand on Brian's thigh as they left the hospital parking lot. “I hope this will be the last time we'll see this parking lot,” he said quietly, knowing that he wouldn't miss coming to the hospital day in and out at all.

“I hate to break it to you, Sunshine, but with three children, two boys and a baby, I doubt we have seen the last of it.”

“Well, lets just hope we won't be back any time soon,” Justin muttered, then turned to Brian, looking at him closely.

“What?” Brian asked after a while, when Justin still seemed to stare at him without saying anything.

“I think it's starting to come back,” the younger man said, running his hand over Brian's cheek and his chin.

“What?”

“Your hair. I think it's starting to come back.”

“Okay, did you see something I didn't see?”

“Nah, but your skin feels different. I don't know. Just... like it might come back soon.”

Brian turned to look at Justin when they had to stop at a red light and eyed him as if he had lost it completely now. “Okay...”

“Trust me, it's coming back,” the blond just repeated, running his hand over Brian's cheek once more. “I know your body.”

“That you do,” Brian agreed, still not sure if he trusted Justin's assessment or not. The doctors had told them that it would be a couple of weeks, maybe months after the chemotherapy had ended before the hair would start to grow out again, so neither of them was particularly surprised that it hadn't happened yet. They knew it would come, they just needed to give it time.

Not that Brian had ever been a particularly patient man, but he had learned in recent weeks that rushing his body wasn't gonna do him or his body any good and at the end of the day, Justin loved him. Hair or not, so what difference did a couple of weeks make? He wasn't particularly fond of his bald look and still tried to hide it under a hat or cap whenever they left the house, but after everything they had been through in recent months, the loss of his hair was definitely one of the least of their problems.

“Any idea about something else coming back to life?” Brian asked, nodding at his crotch, leaving no doubt what he was talking about.

Brian's dick was still out of commission and hadn't come back to life yet and once again the doctors had told them that that was normal and they needed to give it time. Brian knew from his first time having cancer that it had taken some time back then as well, but he was really starting to get annoyed. He felt fine, better than he had in months and he really, really wanted to fuck Justin. He really missed burying his dick in that tight ass. It wasn't like they hadn't found other ways to satisfy each other in the meantime, but it just wasn't the same as a good old-fashioned fuck.

“I am sure it will be soon,” Justin replied, giving Brian's thigh a squeeze. “You need to give it time.”

“As long as you don't try to poison me with any weird Chinese concoctions again,” Brian smirked, making Justin laugh.

“Hey, it was worth a try.”

“Maybe I should pay a visit to dear old Joan. That seems to have done the trick the last time,” Brian mused.

“Does she know?” Justin asked, wondering if Brian had talked to his mother at all. As far as he was aware, he hadn't, but maybe he just hadn't told him. It wouldn't be the first time Brian wouldn't share something about his family. His family had always been a sore point with Brian and Justin knew that Brian liked to pretend that his mother, sister and her sons didn't exist.

“That I can't get it up? How would she? Though I am sure she would light a candle in thanks to God for making me impotent,” Brian muttered, the anger clear to hear in his voice. Hearing his partner's anger, Justin regretted that he had followed up that line of conversation when Brian had mentioned his mother. He should have probably just let it go.

“You're not impotent, Brian,” Justin said calmly, resting his hand on Brian's arm and giving it a squeeze. “We know what's happening and why and we know it'll go away.”

Brian didn't say anything and just continued staring at the road ahead.

“I meant, does she know about you being sick,” Justin then went on, wondering if it wouldn't have been better to change the topic.

“If Debbie didn't tell her, I doubt it,” Brian shrugged.

“Does she know about Luke? Or Vicky?” Justin wondered, not sure himself why he wasn't able to just let it go.

Brian just repeated his earlier statement. “If Debbie didn't tell her, I doubt it.”

“When's the last time you've spoken to her?”

“When she told me that I deserved to get cancer for being gay and that it was God's punishment,” Brian said, trying to sound calm, but the tremor in his voice betrayed his real feelings and Justin knew Brian well enough to hear the hurt in his voice.

“It's her loss. She doesn't know what a great man you are and what a great family you have,” Justin said seriously, leaning over and kissing Brian's cheek gently. “She's probably all alone and has alienated everyone around her while you're surrounded by people that love you.”

Brian nodded, but Justin could feel the rigid set of his shoulders.

“I am sorry,” he said quietly. “I shouldn't have asked.”

“It's okay,” Brian said quietly. “I am the one that brought her up. It's my own fault.”

“And I am the one that pressed for answers even though I know how much you hate talking about her,” Justin sighed, looking at the road ahead.

“Don't,” Brian said, reaching out his hand to now squeeze Justin's thigh. “Don't blame yourself or any such bullshit. You have every right to ask. And I am the one that brought her up. It's okay. I am okay.”

“Are you sure?” Justin asked and Brian could easily hear the concern in his voice.

He nodded, as he turned the car onto the lane that led to Britin. “I am. I don't like talking about her because... it reminds me of things I'd much rather not think about, but that's all in the past and happened a long time ago and... it doesn't matter anymore. And most importantly not today. Not today when we finally take our daughter home and celebrate with our real family.”

“Jeez, how many people did Emmett invite?” Justin gasped when he saw all the cars in their driveway.

“I thought it was just gonna be family,” Brian muttered, looking at all the cars in surprise as well.

“I know that mom, Molly, Debbie and Carl, Ted and Blake and Emmett and Drew will be there. Are we expecting anyone else?”

Brian shrugged, wondering the same. He knew that Daphne would be there, which would be a surprise for Justin as he thought that she had to work and couldn't get the time off, but that still left two more cars in their driveway that he couldn't account for. “No idea.”

“Well, only one way to find out,” Justin opened the door once Brian had parked and made his way to the back of the car to get the bags.

Brian made his way over to Vicky and her car seat and carefully got it out of the car. He turned to Justin, raising an eyebrow. “Is it wrong that I wish it was just us and the boys?”

“I know...,” Justin agreed, not really feeling like a huge family celebration either, but knowing that this was the least they could do to thank everyone for all the help they had received from them in recent months. Their family had really stepped up and had helped them so much by taking care of the boys, by being at the hospital when needed, by staying with Brian when he had his bad days, by making sure that there was always food in the fridge. Sharing the moment of Vicky coming home for good with them was the least they owed them in thanks.

“What is a reasonable time to start kicking them out?” Brian mused as he headed for the front door. “Is half an hour too early?”

“Brian,” Justin hissed, gently hitting Brian's shoulder.

“Hey, I am carrying your daughter. No hitting me,” Brian defended, holding up the car seat as if to prove his point.

“Our daughter,” Justin corrected, as he caught up with Brian and Vicky and leaned in for a quick kiss.

“Our daughter,” Brian agreed into the kiss, then rested his forehead against Justin's. “Ready?”

“Ready,” Justin nodded, before he opened the door, not surprised to find all their family members standing in the hallway waiting for them.

“Jeez, how long does it take you to make it from your car to the house?” Debbie groused good-naturedly, making everyone gathered around laugh.

“We were wondering if running away and never coming back was an option,” Brian quipped. “But then we remembered that Gus and Luke were caught here, so we decided against it.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Gus snorted, before he came over and carefully took the car seat from his father. “Hi, baby girl. Did you survive the trip home with those two?” He started talking to the little girl that seemed to still sleep through all the turmoil.

Being the proud big brother that he was, Gus took it upon himself to show off his baby sister to everyone gathered in the hallway.

Justin leaned into Brian's side and smiled at the scene, his smile growing wider when he felt Brian's arms wrap around his waist.

While he watched Gus showing off Vicky, he noticed everyone in the group that was gathered in their hallway and he did a double-take when he saw his best friend smiling back at him, looking at him as if she was just waiting for him to finally see her. “Daphne!” He exclaimed, then turned away from Brian's side and lunged at his best friend.

They hugged for what felt like an eternity, excitingly chattering. Daphne explained that there was no way in hell she would have missed her goddaughter coming home from the hospital and Justin cursed her for not having told him that she would be there.

“Surprise!” Brian said as he made his way over to them, laughing as Justin turned to look at him from wide eyes.

“You knew?”

“Of course. I know everything,” Brian boasted with a laugh.

“If you knew about this, you'd have to be a psychic,” Emmett said, pointing to the two people standing next to him and Drew.

“Ben? Hunter?” Justin exclaimed, as he made his way over to welcome their friends.

“What are you doing here?” Brian asked as he followed his partner.

“We were in the area and Debbie told us about little Victoria coming home today and she kind of forced us to come to the party. You know how she is.”

Both men just nodded, knowing how persuasive Debbie could be.

“It's good to see you,” Justin said as he hugged both men, not having seen them for almost a year and a half since they had last been in Pittsburgh.

Brian greeted both as well, then turned to Justin and Emmett. “Okay, you got me on that one.”

Emmett looked particularly happy, then ushered everyone into the living-room where drinks and refreshments were waiting.

Once they got into the living-room, Brian stopped in his tracks. “Honeycutt! What the fuck did you do to our house?”

The living-room was a sea of pink and white balloons, pink garlands and everything else that seemed to be available as far as pink decorations seemed to go. The whole living-room had been turned into a pink heaven. If you liked pink. Which Brian most definitely didn't.

“My name is not Honeycutt. And it's called decorating, honey,” Emmett said jovially as he clapped Brian on the shoulder, then rushed past him, hiding behind the table, pretending to serve drinks to the guests, but clearly hiding from Brian's wrath.

“Do you like it, Daddy?” Luke appeared at Brian's side and looked up at him happily. “I helped Auntie Em. We were busy all morning.”

“I can only imagine,” Brian muttered, before forcing a smile on his face as he turned to Luke. “It's very... pink.”

“I know, right? Because Vicky is a girl and girls like pink. As does Auntie Em.”

“I bet,” Brian muttered, still throwing glares at Emmett, who hadn't yet made his way back in their direction. “You did very well,” Brian finally forced himself to say, knowing that Luke liked it and was waiting for his father's approval.

“God, what happened in here?” Justin muttered about a minute later when he finally made his way into the living-room as well, having finished his conversation with Ben and Hunter. “It looks like...,” he was clearly trying to find the right words.

“Like a big, gay, pink bomb exploded in our house.”

“Yeah, kind of,” he laughed, seeing the pinched expression on Brian's face.

“He better clean that up before he leaves or I'll...,”

“Kick his ass?” Justin finished for him and Brian could only nod.

“I'll gladly help. This is a bit much.”

“A bit?” Brian raised an eyebrow, looking at Justin as if he had lost his mind.

“Where is Vicky? Maybe some hugs from our princess will make you feel better,” Justin suggested, hoping to be able to keep Brian from killing Emmett at any point during the day.

“The grandmothers,” the older man just said, nodding towards the sofa where Debbie and Jennifer sat, Debbie holding little Vicky in her arms, both of them gushing about what a beautiful baby their granddaughter was to anyone who passed them.

“At least she seems to enjoy the attention,” Justin noted, nodding in the direction of their daughter who was taking everything in from big, wide eyes, obviously having woken up in the meantime.

“My daughter after all,” Brian boasted proudly which made Justin laugh.

“You're incorrigible.”

“It's why you love me,” Brian whispered, pulling Justin close, holding the younger man in his arms as he watched his family in his living-room.

“One of the reasons,” Justin admitted, leaning into Brian's chest.

“Do you think it's too early to kick them all out?” Brian whispered after about two minutes of them just enjoying their hug and watching their family interact.

“I am afraid so. You'll have to endure some more.”

In the end, the family had stayed for two more hours, before everyone started making their excuses, knowing that the family wanted and needed to spent some time alone.

It had been a nice celebration to welcome the youngest member of the family home and as much as Brian had groused, he had secretly enjoyed being surrounded by his family. Especially after the conversation that he and Justin had had in the car. These were the people that were his family, the people that loved him and cared about him and had always been there for him, no matter what. They were his real family, not his mother, who was just that in name, but not in meaning. These people gathered in his living-room were his family, no one else.

And he was secretly grateful for each and every one of them. Not that he would ever tell them or let them know.

Chapter 34

After everyone had left, things had started to normalise even more in the Kinney-Taylor household. While Vicky had been down for a nap in her nursery, Brian and Justin had unpacked all her things from the hospital, before starting with cleaning up their house.

In the evening, after both brothers had gotten to feed and spend some time with their baby sister, everyone had agreed to order some take-out and have a quiet evening in the media room.

Once Gus and Luke had gone to bed, Brian and Justin had retired to the master bedroom and had celebrated some more in private. Brian had given Justin one of the best blowjobs he could remember ever having gotten and to pay him back, Justin had rimmed Brian until there had been no tomorrow.

After a quick shower, both men had ended up in their bed, cuddled together, Justin resting his head on Brian's shoulder, absently running his fingers over Brian's scar on his chest, something that he had been doing quite a bit in recent weeks, much to Brian's amusement.

“What are you thinking about?” Justin asked after a while, noting Brian's creased forehead.

“Hmmm? Nothing.”

“Nothing will give you wrinkles if you continue like that,” Justin chuckled, nodding towards Brian's forehead.

“Just thinking...”

“What about?”

“You don't want to know,” Brian replied after about a minute of silence, then sighed.

“Brian?”

“It's nothing. I am okay.”

“Yeah and my name is Rumpelstiltskin,” Justin said seriously, leaning up on his elbow and looking down at Brian's face with a question in his eyes.

“Hi Rumpelstiltskin, what have you done to my Sunshine?” Brian smirked, trying to play it off as a joke, but not convincing Justin for a second.

“Brian, what is it?”

Brian sighed, then turned his gaze to meet Justin's. “I was talking to Ben and Hunter earlier and while talking to them, I realised that we haven't heard from Michael since that day at the chemotherapy centre.”

“And?” Justin frowned, not quite sure why that was a problem. As far as he was concerned that was very good news.

“It's just not like Michael.”

“We have restraining orders against him. He's probably just following them,” Justin mused, not quite meeting Brian's gaze.

“Michael? Do you really think a piece of paper would keep him away? Especially after he had seen me having chemotherapy?”

“Are you sad that he didn't harrass us?” Justin asked, a frown on his beautiful face.

“What? No! I am just trying to understand.”

Justin shrugged. “Who knows what goes on in his mind?”

“You're not bothered by this?” Brian asked, meeting Justin's gaze once more.

“No, why? He's not a part of our lives anymore and hasn't been in years. We have restraining orders and he would do well to follow them which he seems to be. As far as I am concerned all is good!”

“What are you hiding, Sunshine?” Brian asked, looking at Justin more closely, noticing how the blond didn't quite meet his gaze.

“Hiding? I am not hiding anything, Brian. I just refuse to think about him more than necessary,” Justin lay down on his back and looked at the ceiling.

“I know when you're lying and you're lying. What did you do?” Brian asked, now leaning over to look into Justin's eyes.

“Nothing. Why would you think I would do something?”

“Because he wouldn't just stay away. You heard him spew that bullshit about us being friends. He wouldn't just stay away when in his head he thought we were still friends.”

“Well, you're not. Maybe he finally realised it. Good for him,” Justin shrugged.

“Justin, the truth!” Brian said, this time more forcefully and the use of his first name told Justin that Brian was not kidding.

He turned to look at Brian and met his gaze. “What do you want me to say?”

“What did you do? You did something, didn't you?”

Justin shrugged, but when Brian just held his gaze, his eyes looking at him seriously, demanding an explanation, he just sighed. “I made him an offer that was too appealing to refuse.”

“You paid him to leave us alone?” Brian raised an eyebrow as he stared at Justin.

“Not really,” Justin hedged around, obviously not willing to fully explain what he had done.

“Then what did you do?”

“Does it matter? He has left us alone and that's all that matters, right?” Justin looked at Brian, hoping against hope that that would be enough for the older man, but obviously it wasn't.

“Why has he left us alone?”

“Because he moved to LA,” Justin said quietly, after he couldn't meet Brian's inquiring gaze any longer.

“LA? What the hell is he doing in LA?”

“Trying to get the Rage movie made,” Justin said quietly, not looking at Brian any longer.

“The Rage movie? What? I don't understand...”

“He has found himself the lucky owner of all rights to the Rage comic and has been informed that there was legitimate interest in getting the movie made after all.”

“But...,” Brian frowned, looking at Justin in confusion. “The artwork was yours. Not his. He doesn't have the rights to that.”

“He does now.”

“You sold your rights to him? How would he pay for them?”

“I gave them to him... Not that he knows that it was me,” Justin finally offered, slowly sitting up, resting his back against the headboard of the bed.

“Why would you do that? And... what do you mean he doesn't know it was you?” Brian seemed confused and followed Justin's example and sat up as well. He turned to look at the younger man, clearly needing more of an explanation.

“I did what I had to do to keep my family safe,” was all Justin said, his jaw set.

“I still don't understand,” Brian said quietly, urging Justin to go on.

Justin sighed, then took Brian's hand and squeezed it.

“When we saw him that day, I knew he wouldn't leave us alone. Restraining orders or not, he wouldn't. He would have waited for us outside in the parking lot or would have followed us home or whatever. I just knew he wouldn't have left us alone and while part of me didn't care if he would have only ended up in prison again for violating the restraining orders, I knew that it would hurt you and Debbie.”

When Brian was about to protest, Justin just eyed him and in the end Brian didn't say anything, knowing that Justin was probably right.

“So I tried to find a way to keep him away from us and our family and all I could think of was Rage,” Justin took a deep breath before he continued. “To be honest, while it was fun to create the comic, it was always more his baby than mine. It was always his version of how he saw you, but not how you really were. It was his need to project his superhero fantasies onto you and make you into his own personal superhero. At first, I thought it was what I wanted as well and how I saw you as well. I mean... we started with the prom and our story and you had saved me and it was hard not to see you as my own hero as well, but... over the years, you stopped being Brian the superhero and just became Brian the human. My partner, my rock, the father of my children and the more and more I thought about it over the years, I realised that Rage was how he saw you, not how I saw you. And... to be fair, while I was in New York, I had no interest in continuing the comic. First of all because of... well, how things between us had ended and me absolutely not seeing you as a hero during those days, then there was no interest from my side to work with Michael in any shape or form even though I had no idea what had been going on here in Pittsburgh and last but not least because... it just didn't feel like me any longer. I create art, sketches, paintings. But the comic – that was something I had moved on from. My art had evolved from that. So... when it came to it, I realised that Rage didn't really mean all that much to me anymore, despite a few fond memories, but mostly painful ones,” Justin ended quietly.

Not that Brian could blame him. Rage had been the story of his prom, the Rage party that Brian had organised had been the night when Justin had left him for good for the fiddler, the Rage marriage issue had led to their second break-up. Not that it had been the cause, but it certainly hadn't helped them at the time. Brian could definitely see what Justin meant when he talked about Rage mostly having been painful memories. And he himself knew best that he was anything but a superhero. Michael had always put him on a pedestal that he had never wanted to be on and had never deserved to be on and no one knew that better than Justin, the man who had seen him at his best and his worst. Who had been through so much because of Brian's actions in the past. Definitely not the actions of a superhero, that much was for sure.

Brian nodded, never letting go of the hand in his, holding on tightly.

Justin eyed their joined hands for the longest time, then continued.

“I had one of my agency's lawyers reach out to Michael and offer him the rights to the artwork for free, informing him that there was talk about once more turning it into a movie.”

“And he accepted them? From you?”

“He didn't know they came from me,” Justin replied quietly.

“How could he not?” Brian wondered.

“The lawyer reached out to him on behalf of Mr Aiden Cole, a Rage fan from New York who had bought the rights from me years ago and felt that they should be given to the rightful owner of the Rage franchise, so that Rage could continue to live on in the way he deserved,” Justin replied with a small smile on his face.

“Aiden Cole?” Brian asked, eyeing Justin, before something in his mind clicked and a smile broke out on his face. “Aiden... Cole... Ha, that's genius. And he fell for it? He didn't realise it was you?”

Justin shrugged. “Apparently not. He took the offered rights and less than a week later he had left Pittsburgh to go to LA to make his dream into a movie.”

“But... was there any real interest to make it into a movie?”

“Not really. There have always been people muttering about how cool it would be, but as far as I know, never anything serious. And I doubt anyone would want to get involved once they find out that one of the co-creators helped kidnap the child of the other co-creator. Apparently that hasn't stopped Michael though from following his dream in LA.”

“Ha, you're a genius, Sunshine. That's amazing!” Brian enthused, now genuinely laughing as he looked at Justin.

“You're not angry?” Justin wondered, looking at Brian from concerned eyes.

“Well, I guess it would have been nice to know what you were planning, but no, I am not angry.”

“There was just so much going on. You were so sick. Vicky was so sick. I... I just didn't want him to become a problem on top of everything else.”

“So you took care of it,” Brian said quietly, giving Justin's hand a squeeze.

“Yeah,” Justin agreed, looking at Brian. “I did what I thought was best.”

“Thank you, Sunshine,” Brian said sincerely, leaning in for a slow, sensual kiss. “I... I don't know what to say.”

“You don't have to say anything.”

“There was already so much going on and on top of everything else, you went and took care of Michael as well. I... I am speechless.”

“It was time that JT protected Rage for a change,” Justin smiled, claiming Brian's lips in another kiss.

“Yeah, I guess it was,” Brian agreed. “Especially since Rage has retired his superhero pants a long time ago.”

“They were sexy pants, though,” Justin pointed out with a smirk which made Brian laugh.

“Of course. Rage would never wear anything not sexy.”

They kissed for a while, slowly sinking back down on the mattress, hands gently roaming over each other's bodies.

“It's quite funny, you know, how he was never able to come up with a decent storyline on his own and how everything in that comic was based on our own lives,” Justin said after a while.

“The wedding issue wasn't,” Brian pointed out, but the moment he had said it, he regretted having mentioned it. He knew that that issue was one of the painful memories Justin had talked about. He knew how much Justin had wanted to get married and how much he had been against that idea at the time and how much tension it had caused between them.

“Nah, that was just based on my fantasy,” Justin said quietly. “It still wasn't something he came up with.”

“Well, it would have almost come true,” Brian mused, thinking back to the days before everything had gone so wrong and they had been planning their wedding, something no one that knew him would have ever expected to happen.

“I guess,” Justin agreed, running his hand over Brian's head with a sad smile on his face.

Brian eyed him for the longest time, then asked the question he had wondered about for a long time, especially years ago, but had never dared to ask Justin for fear of what the answer would be.

“Do you ever regret that we didn't go through with it?”

To his surprise, Justin immediately shook his head. “No,” he said, his voice sounding absolutely sure.

Noticing the slightly hurt expression on Brian's face, Justin carressed his cheek and asked gently. “You do?”

Brian was quiet for the longest time, then sighed. This was it. He had promised Justin years ago that there would be no more lies between them. When they had given their relationship another try, they had promised each other to always be honest with each other. Brian knew that even though he would like to, he couldn't lie to Justin. Not now, not ever. Justin deserved much better from him.

“All the time,” Brian admitted, then turned away from Justin to lie on his back and stare at the ceiling.

Justin saw the emotions on Brian's face, saw how much his answer had hurt the older man and cursed himself for it. He honestly hadn't known that Brian felt this way. Marriage had never been something Brian had been interested in. He had always made fun of it, for as long as Justin could remember and then, after the bombing of Babylon, when Brian had proposed, Justin had been sure it had been out of shock and fear of losing him for good. Then Brian had bought Britin and had proposed again and Justin had given in, believing that they would be able to make it work somehow. And then New York had happened. And he had left. And Brian had been pregnant and never told him. And things had gone so awfully wrong for five years, resulting in so much pain and hurt on both sides. And now, here Brian was telling him that he regretted that they didn't get married back then. Would it have changed things? Did Brian think none of what had happened would have happened if they had been married?

“Because things would have been different then? With Luke?” Justin asked after a while, knowing that now that Brian's feelings were out in the open, they needed to deal with what had been admitted. They needed to work through this, before it festered between them and turned into something bigger.

When Brian just nodded, a lone tear running down his cheeks, Justin gently wiped it away. “To be honest, I don't think we would even have Luke, had we gotten married then,” Justin said seriously, looking into the pained hazel eyes of his partner. “I doubt it would have made a difference.”

Brian's head shot around and met Justin with an angry glare. “WHAT?”

Justin sighed, knowing that he had probably said the wrong thing, yet he was sure that he was right. He just hoped that he could find the right words to explain it to Brian without hurting him. He had always known how guilty Brian felt for what had happened, how Brian had blamed himself and was still blaming himself at times for what had happened and while Justin knew that Brian was the one to blame, that Brian had been the one to make the decision to keep Luke a secret from him, he also knew that he didn't want Brian beating himself up about it for the rest of his days. Most people would probably never understand how he had been able to forgive Brian, but deep down, he knew that Brian had loved him even then and in his own weird way had just tried to do the right thing. It hadn't been, they both knew it and Justin and Luke had gotten hurt by Brian's decisions, but Justin had made a decision years ago that he loved Brian and loved him more than he had wanted to hate him for what he had done. He had tried to hate Brian, he had wanted to hate him and despise him for what he had done, but no matter how much he had tried, he just hadn't been able to because he loved him. More than anything. And in some weird way, Justin had always understood Brian's reasoning. Maybe it was true and they had a connection, maybe it was true and they were made for each other and Justin was the only one that would ever be able to understand Brian's weird moods and actions, but at the end of the day, he knew that they had been fated to be together and that they belonged together and the last couple of years had proven that to him. They had been happy. All his dreams of a family with Brian had come true and his life had turned out better than he had dared to dream. He just hoped that his next words wouldn't mess this up and that just like he would sometimes be the only person to understand Brian, Brian would hopefully understand him and his reasoning now as well.

He took a deep breath, before he started speaking. “If I hadn't gone to New York, we wouldn't have had sex like that all over the loft and the condom wouldn't have broken and you might have never gotten pregnant. If we had gone through with the wedding as planned... we would have been on our honeymoon and you would have probably fucked me over and over, but do we really know if Luke would still have been conceived? Do we really know if you would still have gotten pregnant if we hadn't had sex on that day in the loft? I am not saying I believe in fate, but... some things are meant to be and maybe... that was just meant to be.”

Justin saw that Brian was watching him and he saw the doubt in the older man's eyes. “Maybe we still would have had Luke, but... maybe we wouldn't and... I don't want to imagine a world where he doesn't exist. I don't want to imagine a world where he and Vicky are not our children, Brian.”

Brian nodded, seemingly following Justin's line of thinking.

“I think,” Justin continued, holding Brian's gaze, “It would have ended with broken hearts even if we had gotten married back then....” Justin sighed, wrapping his hand around Brian's, squeezing it. “We weren't ready back then. It was a nice idea and I think I was more in love with the idea of getting married than anything back then. And when you proposed, I was happier than I ever thought I could be, but now... looking back... I don't think it would have worked. I think it was doomed to fail. We weren't ready, Brian. You weren't ready for a commitment like that and I wasn't ready. I... I was in love with the idea of us, the idea of being married to you, but... I wasn't ready for everything that came with it. I am not saying that your ideas of doom and gloom for my future by your side would have been right, but... I think getting married then wouldn't have worked for many reasons. We would have imploded sooner or later.”

“I think we managed to implode quite spectacularly even without being married,” Brian said seriously, knowing that it had been his fault and his fault alone.

“Yeah, but we found our way back. And that's all that matters,” Justin whispered, leaning in to kiss Brian's lips gently. “We found our way back and are a family now.”

Brian nodded, knowing that Justin was right. The past was in the past and there was nothing they could do about it, nothing about it could be changed. What mattered were the present and the future. And those looked pretty good to him. With Justin and his children by his side.

“Have you ever thought about getting married now?” Brian asked after a while, running his fingers through Justin's blond hair.

“Why, are you proposing?” Justin asked, a smile in his voice, but then stopped when he noticed how Brian's body had stiffened beneath his own. “Brian?”

Justin pulled back slightly and looked into the hazel eyes of his partner and what he saw there, made him startle. “Brian? Shit, you are?”

“I am just asking a question,” Brian answered stiffly, but Justin knew that Brian was only trying to deflect, thinking that Justin's reaction had been a clear no.

“No, I haven't,” Justin admitted, his eyes never leaving Brian's. “Not because I would be opposed if you would ask, but just because it didn't matter. We are a family. We are connected in every way possible. After everything we've been through... in recent months and before... I don't think that there's any doubt that you're it for me. And I am pretty sure that I am the one for you as well. I... I just never felt like we need a piece of paper to prove it.”

Brian chuckled, then hid his face behind his hands. “God... How ironic how times change, isn't it?”

For a second Justin was confused, but then he realised what Brian was talking about. And the more he thought about it, the more he had to agree with Brian. It was quite ironic. For years Brian had been the one to make fun of marriage and Justin had been the one that had dreamed of getting married and having a family and now that Justin didn't really care all that much anymore because he knew that they would stay together until their last days on this planet, it seemed that Brian really cared. At least that was the impression that Justin was getting here.

“You want to get married?” Justin asked quietly, his voice holding a deep breath, afraid to let it go.

After the longest time, Brian finally nodded. At first it had been hardly there, but then it had gotten stronger and Justin had clearly seen it for what it was. Brian wanted to get married.

The whole irony suddenly crashed down on Justin and he couldn't help but laugh loudly. “Irony indeed.”

After several seconds of silence Brian joined in the laughter, pulling Justin close, holding the younger man in his arms as they both laughed about the irony of the situation.

They laughed for what felt like hours, before they calmed down.

Justin pulled away from Brian's embrace and knelt down at his side. He took his hand in his own, holding it tight.

“Let's do it,” he said, a sunshine smile on his face as he looked down at the man in bed with him.

“What?” Brian frowned, not quite sure what was happening.

“Let's get married!” Justin said, his smile widening even more.

“Justin,” Brian sighed, sitting up. “You don't want to. It's okay.”

“I have never said that I don't want to. I said I wouldn't be opposed if you asked. I said I haven't thought about it, because I didn't think it mattered. Now I have thought about it and let's do it!”

“Just like that?” Brian asked with a raised eyebrow, a smile slowly spreading on his own face when he realised that Justin meant it.

“Just like that,” Justin agreed. When Brian still didn't move, Justin urged him to move. “Go and ask me.”

Brian grinned, looking at Justin from shining eyes. He held Justin's hand in his own and squeezed it. “Will you marry me?”

“Yes,” Justin exclaimed, his whole face shining with happiness, before he lunged at Brian, drowning his face in kisses.

After his yes, no more words were spoken that night, but it was a long time before either man fell asleep and when they did, both felt happy and sated.

Chapter 35

Brian woke up to a soft voice speaking by his side. He immediately recognised the voice and a small smile spread on his face when he heard what it was talking about.

“You know, princess, your Daddy asked me to marry him last night. And I said yes,” Justin was saying and Brian could only imagine that he was talking to Vicky.

She had probably woken up and demanded their attention and Justin had taken care of her and returned to bed with her. Not wanting to disturb the moment, Brian pretended to still be asleep and decided to listen some more to what his fiance – God, fiance! Who would have ever thought – was saying to their daughter.

“It's weird, you know? I've never really thought about it. I mean, yes, I have thought about marrying your Daddy years and years ago when I was still younger and we were together, but at the time your Daddy thought marriage was ridiculous and he didn't believe in it. I did. I saw so many of our friends getting married, settling down. I don't really know why, but it just felt like something I wanted to do at the time as well. I mean, I was still very young. Probably way too young to get married anyway, but I loved your Daddy so much and was so sure that we would always be together. I didn't even care about anything else. You know... your Daddy was not the same man then that he is now and things between us were very different back then. I didn't care though. Honestly. I loved him. And I knew who he was and I loved who he was and just wanted to marry him.”

Brian heard as Justin stopped for a few seconds and he could hear Vicky gurgle happily. He was probably tickling her or teasing her somehow to keep her amused.

“It's weird, but then things changed. Maybe it was because I became obsessed with marriage or settling down or maybe it was just the things around us that had changed and tried to influence our lives, but...I changed. Your Daddy changed and we got to a point where I honestly thought we would never get married. I didn't even think we would have a future together at all. And then he asked me and I knew that at the time he didn't mean it. He had no interest in getting married or changing into someone he was not and him asking me was just an attempt to hold on to us in some way or other. And can you believe it, but I said no. Here he was, finally asking me to marry him, the one thing I had always dreamed about and I said no. God... it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wanted nothing more than to say yes, but I just knew it wasn't real.”

Brian heard Justin sigh and he could hear some sadness in his voice. He wanted to interrupt, wanted to tell Justin that it had been real. That he had meant it, but thinking back to their conversation from the night before, Justin had probably been right. It wouldn't have worked. They hadn't been ready. Neither of them had been. He hadn't worked through his issues, hadn't faced his demons from his childhood and youth and Justin hadn't made a name for himself in the art world yet. He would always have felt like Brian's kept boy even if he hadn't been. Justin had been right the night before. It wouldn't have worked. As much as it pained him to admit it, he knew that it was the truth. Hanging on to his own thoughts for a bit, Brian missed when Justin continued to speak.

“...I said yes. I couldn't not say yes. I mean, the house was amazing and he seemed so sincere. It was everything I had ever hoped and dreamed for. And even though some part of me was still reluctant to believe in it being real, the bigger part of me, the hopeless romantic as your Daddy would call it, just couldn't resist and gave in. And I've never been happier. Those few weeks, planning our wedding, getting everything ready for the big day, you have no idea, sweetie, but I felt happier than I ever thought I could. I wanted to believe so hard that we could make it work, that we were ready and would be able to get the marriage I had always dreamed of.”

Brian heard the faraway longing in Justin's voice and cursed himself for all the pain he had ever caused him. Justin would have deserved so much better and it was a miracle that after everything he had put him through, he was still here and had still said yes last night. Brian couldn't help but wonder if Justin really wanted to get married or if he had just said yes to not hurt Brian. As those thoughts made it through his mind, Brian wondered where they were coming from. Why was he suddenly thinking that about Justin? Justin wouldn't do something he didn't want to do. He was much like himself in that respect. And Justin would never have agreed to get married if he didn't want to and didn't think they would make it work this time. Justin wouldn't just say yes to please him. Hell, he hadn't even done that the first time Brian had proposed. Even then Justin had been more man than him and had been honest and real about the reasons why Brian had asked him to marry him to begin with. If Justin didn't want to get married, he would say so and they would talk about it. Damn, why was he suddenly feeling so insecure? This wasn't like him. Brian was about to sigh, but then stopped himself, knowing that that would give away to Justin that he was awake and he didn't want the younger man to find out yet. He liked listening to Justin talk to their daughter, he liked how soft and gentle his voice sounded as he talked to her, despite the emotional topic.

“We didn't get married after all,” he heard Justin say then, but this time there was no sadness in his voice. “As much as I had wanted to get married at the time, I think it was for the best. I wasn't ready. I was too young, too inexperienced and as much as I hate to admit it, I guess I also needed that time in New York.”

Brian could hear Vicky gurgle some more and wondered what she was thinking of this morning's entertainment. She seemed quite entertained by their history if her gurgling was any indication.

“It changed everything, you know?” Now Justin sounded sad and Brian wasn't surprised. Every time he thought back to that time, he felt the pain as well. And he could only imagine how much worse it had to be for Justin, knowing all the young man had missed here in Pittsburgh. Knowing what he and everyone else had kept secret from him back then.

“Things didn't go the way we had wanted to. The way I had wanted to. Everything fell apart and...back then I didn't know why. I just know they did and it was hard, you know? I never quite understood how we made it through that, but we did. I did! I guess we can suffer through more pain than we think we can before we break completely.”

Justin was quiet for some time and Brian wondered if he was crying. He wondered if he should let Justin know that he was awake and listening and if he should offer him some comfort. Just as he was about to open his eyes to check on Justin, Justin's quiet voice continued speaking and Brian continued listening as before.

“I just hope you'll never have to suffer like that, princess. Life can be hard, harder than anyone ever tells you about, but I guess somehow we always find a way through anyway. I just... I want you to know that I'll be here for you, no matter what. Whatever you're going through, you can always come to me and I'll be there for you. I'll always love you and protect you.”

When Justin finished, Brian could hear the tears in his voice. He could hear the emotion and more than anything he could hear the love Justin felt for their daughter. Justin would never let Vicky suffer alone. It just wasn't him. Brian knew that Justin would rather die than see their children in pain and he hoped that somehow Justin also knew that it was the same for him. He knew he didn't have the best track record when it came to showing people that he loved them, but he would never do anything to hurt Justin or his children ever again. He would rather die than cause any more pain than he had already caused.

“God, that got depressing, didn't it? This was supposed to be happy. We're getting married. I am supposed to be happy, not sitting here crying. And I am, even though it might not look like it, but I am happy, sweetie. I love your Daddy and both of us have worked so hard in recent years to make this work. We have worked so hard to get to this point. And I am happy that we made it. I am ecstatic that we even got to the point where we started talking about marriage again. I am not sure I ever thought we would, knowing how many painful memories were connected to that topic for both of us, but we did and we made it through that conversation in one piece. We're still here and doing better and going stronger than before.”

Now Brian could hear a smile in Justin's voice and could hear how his soft voice sounded happier, more elated.

“I love your Daddy. I love him more than anything and probably more than is good for me, but I love him. I can't help it. He is my life. Without him, I wouldn't have you, Luke and Gus. Without him I wouldn't be alive today. He has saved my life, he has taught me so many things about life and to know that he'll be with me until this crazy journey called life is over, that he'll be by my side through whatever life throws at us, it gives me hope. It makes me happy and it calms me. I know that no matter what, with your Daddy by my side, we'll be okay. All of us. There is nothing he wouldn't do for any of us. And just knowing that he loves us that much is amazing.”

Brian felt bad for listening in to Justin's private thoughts like this and once again he felt like he should go and announce that he had woken up to him, but he just couldn't. Listening to Justin talk like that was so revealing to him. Yes, he and Justin had gotten way better in recent years where communication was concerned. There was a lot more talking and honesty between them than ever before and most of what Justin was telling Vicky wasn't really new to him, most of this had been talked about between them. Some of it in therapy when they had tried to get their relationship back on track, some of it in the privacy of a conversation just between the two of them, but even though he knew most of what Justin was telling their daughter, he felt bad for intruding on what was clearly a private moment between Justin and their daughter.

“The last few months have been hard. So incredibly hard. I was so scared that I would lose him and you. I was so scared for both of you. I don't know if I would have survived losing you or your Daddy. I guess I would have, because Gus and Luke would have needed me and we are stronger than we think we are in situations like that, but you have no idea how grateful I am that it never came to that and I didn't have to find out. Sometimes, when I saw your Daddy being so sick and weak... I couldn't help but wonder if he would have prefered to go out in a blaze of glory as he had always said instead of taking on the fight, knowing how much he suffered and how sick it made him. Sometimes I wondered if it wouldn't have been easier for him not to fight, but I'll be forever grateful that he took on the fight and that he made it through it and came out on the other side. I am so happy that you'll grow up knowing your Daddy. That you'll get to know the amazing man that I know, that your brothers know. That you won't just get to hear stories from us about him, but that you'll get to experience what he's like as your father yourself. You're one of the luckiest girls on this planet, you know? He loves you so much. He loves you more than anything. Just like he loves me and your brothers. And seeing his love for you, for your brothers and for me in his eyes every time I look at him... it's an amazing feeling. It's the reason why I would have always said yes again and again every time he had asked me to marry him. I have no doubt that we'll make it this time. I know we will. We made it through so much shit already, we know that together we can face anything and be fine. I know that we'll be happy. Your Daddy makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. Happier than I was the first time I agreed to marry him. I didn't think it was possible, but it's true. Seeing the man he has turned into, the man he has grown up to be, it's made me realise how lucky I am that I am the one he chose to have by his side. And you know, sweetie, there is nowhere I'd rather be. I love him. And I am going to marry him. I'll be a real Kinney-Taylor as well. Just like you and your brother. You have no idea how amazing that feels. I feel like I could burst from all the happiness.”

When Justin ended, Brian felt relieved to hear that his voice had taken on a way happier tone again. Gone was the melancholy and sadness and back were the happiness and obvious love that Justin felt for him and the kids. Brian could hear in every word how much Justin loved him and their children, not that he had ever had any doubt, he could hear in every syllable of his last sentences how excited Justin was to get married. He wondered why he had allowed his earlier thoughts to settle in his brain at all. He knew Justin loved him. He knew how happy Justin had been last night after he had said yes. Why did he always allow his own insecurities to sneak up on him like that? Justin loved him. Had loved him for years and if Brian had ever had any doubts about how much he loved him, he just had to look at the simple fact that he was still by his side after everything he had done. After all the pain he had caused him, Justin was still by his side, had stayed with him when he had gotten sick, had been his rock through everything in recent months. Justin loved him and if Brian had ever had any doubt about that, the last few months should have taught him differently.

He just wished that his mind would stop playing evil tricks like that on him. He knew that Justin deserved better from him than having him doubt him like that. He wasn't treating him fairly by doubting him like he had earlier and he vowed to himself that he would stop doubting his own emotions. Every touch, every kiss coming from Justin told him how much he loved him. From now on he would just trust those feelings more than whatever his mind would say.

Brian's thoughts were interrupted when he heard Justin's laughing voice close to his face. “Stop creasing your forehead like that. It will give you wrinkles and we both know how much you would hate that.”

When Brian pretended to still be asleep and didn't react, he felt Justin's hand on his cheek, gently caressing it. “I know you're awake. You were never any good at faking sleep.”

Brian sighed, knowing that he had been caught and slowly opened his eyes. He saw Justin sitting up in bed, his back rested against the headboard of the bed, his legs drawn up, Vicky resting against his thighs. From the looks of it, she was sleeping peacefully now.

“How long?” Brian just asked, his gaze meeting Justin's after he had taken the scene in.

“Pretty much the second you woke up,” Justin admitted, a small smile on his lips. When he saw Brian's confused face, he just went on. “Your breathing changes when you're awake. It just sounds different when you sleep.”

“Why did you continue talking if you knew I was awake?” Brian frowned, his eyes never leaving Justin's.

“Why not? Nothing I said is a secret. No more secrets, right?”

Brian nodded, then they were both quiet for a couple of minutes, each hanging on to their own thoughts.

“She fell asleep again?” Brian asked next, not quite sure what else to say.

Justin chuckled as he turned his gaze to Vicky who was sleeping peacefully against his legs. “Yeah, I think I bored her out of her mind.”

Brian watched as Justin gently picked up their daughter and held her in his arms, looking down at her with so much love in his eyes.

“I love seeing you like this,” Brian admitted, nodding at the baby in Justin's arms. “You look good with her,” he whispered, watching as Justin cradled the baby in his arms against his naked chest.

The blond looked up with a brilliant sunshine smile. “So I am not the only one then, huh?”

“The only one?”

“I love seeing you with a baby in your arms as well. You look good holding a baby,” Justin admitted a slight blush creeping up his cheeks.

Brian couldn't help but smile. “Nope, you're not alone. Must be a thing between us.”

“One of those weird things that just show that we're made for each other,” Justin mused, his voice clearly amused.

“Oh, I am sure the fags on Liberty Avenue would all get hard-ons if they could see you now,” Brian said, only half joking.

“But they won't see me like this. This is only for you. For us,” Justin said, before he carefully laid Vicky down between him and Brian and then lay down on her other side, watching her sleep peacefully, securely rested between her fathers.

“Only for us,” Brian agreed as his gaze settled on his daughter.

“Brian?” Justin said quietly, knowing that there was something he needed to say to Brian and not quite sure how the older man would take it.

“Yeah?”

“I meant it, you know? I want to get married to you. I can't wait to be Justin Kinney-Taylor and to be your husband. I love you and knowing that we'll get married makes me so happy,” Justin started, but then stopped.

Brian heard something in the other man's voice and wasn't quite sure what to make of it. Forcing himself to stay calm and not overreact, he turned his gaze to Justin and raised an eyebrow in question. “But? There is a but, isn't there?”

“Yes, there is a but,” Justin said quietly, his eyes never leaving Brian's. “When I fed Vicky earlier, I couldn't help but think about us getting married and... I think I want to wait a bit until she is older.”

“How old?” Brian asked.

Justin shrugged. “I'd like her to be old enough to remember the wedding,” he said quietly. “And... before you overreact, it's not because I am insecure or doubting this whole wedding. It's not! I want to get married to you. I would marry you in a heartbeat. I would marry you right now and not regret it or have any doubts. It's not that.”

“Then why?” Brian asked quietly, somehow knowing that Justin wasn't lying. He knew that Justin meant it and he would marry him in an instant. Yet here he was telling Brian that he wanted to wait a while.

“I just want her to be a part of it all. She is part of this family and us getting married, it will make us even more of a family. I'll be a Kinney-Taylor as well and,” Justin stopped when he saw the smirk on Brian's face. “What?”

“Kinney-Taylor? Really? We never talked last names.”

“Well, that's the last name Luke and Vicky have. It makes sense to have the same last name, doesn't it?”

“It does,” Brian agreed, still smiling. “Just never thought about it. I guess that would mean I'd be a Kinney-Taylor as well.”

Now it was Justin who was frowning. “I guess, though I mean, if you don't want to...”

“Twat,” Brian chuckled. “I'd love for us all to have the same last name and become a real family.”

“What about Gus?” Justin asked, looking at Brian from now slightly worried eyes.

“You know my opinion on that,” Brian said, reaching out a hand and running it through the blond locks he loved so much. “We should talk to him. He's old enough now.”

Justin knew that Brian was refering to him adopting Gus. They had talked about it before, but had then agreed that Justin would become Gus' legal guardian and that they would wait with an adoption until Gus was older and would be able to understand all that really meant. Brian had been the one who had wanted to get the adoption going when they had first got back together and when Gus had started calling Justin Papa, but at the time Justin had felt that it was too early and Gus was too young to really understand all that an adoption would entail.

“And in any case,” Brian continued, “You said you didn't want to get married right away, but want to wait until Vicky is older. I guess that would give us some more time.”

Justin nodded, agreeing with Brian. “Yeah, I guess.”

“So, how long are we talking?”

Justin sighed, knowing that Brian wouldn't like what he was about to say next. “I want her to be a part of it, maybe be our flower girl. I want her to be able to remember it. It's about our family and she's a part of it. I want her to remember that and not just for Gus and Luke to remember it.”

“We're talking a couple of years here,” Brian said slowly, when he realised what Justin was saying.

“I know. I am sorry,” Justin sighed, then turned to lie on his back. “It's just something I want. Otherwise it feels wrong, you know?”

“Don't be sorry,” Brian said seriously, looking from Justin to Vicky and back. “It's okay. It's not like we're in any rush.”

“But I know that you want this, Brian. And I want it as well, but I want us to do it right,” Justin pleaded with the older man to understand him.

“Yeah, I want to marry you, but I'll still want to marry you a couple of years down the line,” Brian said gently. “That's not going to change. You're not going to get rid of me that easily.”

“I don't want to get rid of you,” Justin replied sincerely, turning onto his side again, so he could look at Brian more easily. “I never want to lose you.”

“You won't. Not if I have anything to say about it,” Brian whispered and Justin knew that he meant it. He had seen in recent months how much Brian had meant it and how much he had fought to stay with him and their family. He knew that Brian would never leave them if it was in his power.

Justin smiled happily. “I love you, Brian Kinney. Never doubt that.”

“I love you, too,” Brian replied and then their lips met in a gentle kiss over their daughter's sleeping body.

“So, I guess that means there's no need yet to call Honeycutt and tell him the good news, huh?” Brian joked when the kiss ended and he lay back down on his side of Vicky.

“We can tell them. I don't mind. He just has to realise that it'll be a while before he can start planning.”

“We'll see. Maybe we'll be better off keeping this between us. The less people know, the less they can interfere,” Brian mused. “And I swear to God, if you run off to New York again, I'll hunt down your bubble butt and get it back here myself.”

Justin laughed despite himself. “Noted.”

A short while later, both men had fallen asleep again, making the best use of the few hours of silence they would have before their sons would be up or before Vicky would demand to be fed again or needed a diaper change.

They fell asleep, both of them sleeping either side of their baby girl, their hands entwined over her sleeping body.

Chapter 36

“Brian!” Ted exclaimed in surprise, clearly not having expected to see his friend and boss at the office that day. “Did I miss a meeting with you? Did you tell us that you were coming in?”

“No,” Brian replied, looking at the hustle and bustle that was the Kinnetik office. It had been months since he had last been there. While being pregnant he had mostly worked from home and then when he had been diagnosed with cancer and had the chemotherapy, he had just been too sick to even think about anything work related. Thankfully Ted and Cynthia were great at their jobs and what they were doing and had everything under control, so that he didn't have to worry about Kinnetik at all. “I was just in the area and decided to come by.”

“Just in the area? You live more than 30 minutes away,” Ted pointed out, looking at his friend with a raised eyebrow.

“Justin is visiting Mother Taylor with Vicky and dropped me off,” Brian supplied, knowing that his friend was waiting for more of an answer.

“And you didn't join them?” Ted wondered, knowing that Brian and Jennifer had a great relationship and got on very well.

Brian shrugged. “Nah, I felt like checking in on you guys and seeing if the building was still standing.”

“Still standing and Kinnetik is going strong. You saw the report that I sent you for the first quarter of the year, right?”

“Yeah, very good. Everything looked great,” Brian said as he nodded in the direction of his office and urged Ted to follow him. “You busy right now?”

“We have a pitch later today, but that's only after lunch, so I am good for another hour or so.”

“Who are we pitching to?”

“Dandy Lube, new fall campaign,” Ted supplied, holding out a folder to Brian which clearly contained more details about the campaign.

Brian just shook his head, knowing that Ted had it under control. Dandy Lube had been the account that Ted had first pitched to when Brian had had cancer years ago and seeing how the company had been doing great in recent months, he knew that Ted would be fine. He trusted him.

“Do you know if Cynthia is busy right now?” Brian asked instead, sighing as he sat down in the chair behind his desk. It felt strange how alien it all felt. There had been a time when he had spent more hours in this office than in his home, but that had been long ago. He hadn't been that workaholic in years and had changed into a family man that rather spent time at home with his sons and daughter and worked from his home office when he had to than sitting here in his own office.

“I think she had a conference call with Brown Athletics earlier, but that should be over by now. You want me to check?”

Brian shook his head and nodded at the chair in front of his desk, urging Ted to sit down. “There's something I need to talk to you about. Both of you really, but might as well start with you.”

“Is everything okay?”

Brian could hear the worry in Ted's voice and couldn't help but feel a warm feeling in his chest at the concern he knew his friend felt for him. Who would have thought ten years ago that one day Ted of all people would be his best friend? That Ted Schmidt, the boring accountant would become his confidant and friend, his colleague and partner at work. It was funny how life worked sometimes.

“Nah, everything is great. Last check-up came back okay two days ago and with the hair finally growing out again, everything's slowly returning to normal,” Brian said, pointing at his head which now showed a short buzz cut of new hair growing out, wondering if Ted hadn't heard through the Liberty Avenue grapevine about his latest check-up. “Didn't you hear Debbie squeal in delight? I swear we heard her all the way to Britin when we called her.”

Brian made a face, but Ted knew that Brian really appreciated everyone's concern and liked everyone far more than he let on on the best of days.

“Yeah, she mentioned it. You just had me worried sounding all ominous like that.”

“It's nothing bad,” Brian calmed his friend. “I am good, Vicky is good, the boys are good, Justin is good. Everyone is good.”

“Justin must be so relieved,” Ted said, knowing how worried his friend had been in recent months for Brian and Vicky.

“Yeah, he is. He's finally started painting again,” Brian said, knowing that Ted would understand how big of a step that was. Justin hadn't painted in months. Not that Brian had noticed at first. When he had been sick, he had been too concerned with himself to really know what Justin was doing or not, but now, after he had been good for several months, he had started to pay more attention to the people and things around him and had noticed how little time Justin spent in his studio. To be honest, it had been hardly any time at all and whenever he went to the studio, he had been back way too fast to have done any real work.

One evening a couple of weeks ago, Brian had brought up that topic and had asked Justin about it and Justin had reluctantly admitted that apart from sketches of the family, he hadn't really sketched or painted anything in months. He had admitted that he had just not felt inspired at all and that his mind had been occupied with too many other things.

Brian had felt bad for not having noticed earlier and had tried to make it up as soon as he had become aware. He had started to take over more tasks from Justin where Vicky and the boys were concerned, trying to give him more time to paint, but that hadn't really changed anything. Instead of getting Justin into the studio, it had just let to Justin getting angry with him, accusing him of trying to interfere in his professional life. And no, he didn't need any interference, thanks very much.

In the end, after two days of tension and each of them trying to get more tasks done than the other, they had sat down and had talked and Justin had admitted that even with the extra time he just didn't feel inspired. He was just staring at blank canvas after blank canvas, having no idea what to paint.

He loved sketching Vicky, loved sketching the boys, loved sketching everyone with Vicky, but none of that had translated into paintings yet.

Brian had offered his help, though at the time he hadn't really been sure what help that could be. How was he supposed to give Justin his inspiration back? How in the hell was he supposed to get that done? Realising that this wasn't a problem that he could solve by just throwing money at it, he had wrecked his head trying to find a solution.

In the end, he had decided to take his family on a trip. Maybe a change of scenery was what was needed to give Justin the inspiration that he needed. It had been almost a year since they had last gone anywhere, what with everything going on in their lives and the boys as well as Justin had been excited for a trip.

They had decided on a long weekend in Florida around Easter when the boys were off school and had enjoyed some nice days lying at the beach, exploring the Everglades and taking in a theme park to end their trip.

The boys had loved the Everglades the most, there was just nothing cooler than seeing real alligators while he and Justin had been quite happy with their time on the beach. Little Vicky had slept through most of it, though the few times her fathers had taken her into the ocean, she had seemed excited enough, squealing and being her happy self.

The days away had done the whole family good and when they had returned home, everyone had been happier and less stressed.

Brian still remembered how the holiday had done him some good and how he had finally regained the last bit of his pre-cancer health while in Florida.

“Brian?” Justin had called from the bathroom, wondering where Brian was. He had said he would join him in the shower, but now Justin was nearly done with his shower and there was still no sign of him. Damn, he loved taking showers with Brian. Where was he? “Are you coming?” Justin asked, opening the door to the shower and calling into the bedroom.

When he didn't hear anything back, he frowned. Vicky had been asleep and the boys were asleep as well in their room which was adjoined to their own room. Where was Brian and why was he not answering? Getting slightly worried, Justin turned off the water, grabbed one of the towels and wrapped it around his waist.

He made his way into the bedroom and found Brian standing in front of the mirror looking at himself with a look of wonder.

“Brian?” Justin asked as he walked over, not sure if Brian even heard him. He certainly didn't give any sign that he had heard anything Justin had said or even knew that he was in the same room. “Are you okay?”

Brian shook his head slowly, as if he was coming back from a deep trance and turned to look at Justin in confusion. “Weren't you going to take a shower?”

“Yeah, that was almost 15 minutes ago. Why didn't you come and join me?”

Justin stopped next to Brian and his jaw dropped at what he saw in the mirror. Not believing his eyes, he actually turned to look at Brian directly, wanting to make sure that the mirror and his eyes were not betraying him.

“Is that a...?”

“Boner! Yeah, it's a first class boner,” Brian nodded, looking at his dick which was standing proudly, knowing that Justin was eyeing it as well.

“When did that happen?”

“When you went into the shower and I said I would join you” Brian said, his voice still sounding like he was in absolute awe.

“And now you've looked at it for 15 minutes and wasted a perfectly good shower fuck,” Justin mock accused, still eyeing the erection from wide eyes.

“I was in shock. I didn't expect it,” Brian admitted honestly, looking at Justin from wide eyes. “God knows why now...”

“Hey, I am not complaining,” Justin grinned, reaching out his hand and taking the erect penis into his hand.

Brian immediately started moaning at the touch, loving how Justin just knew what to do to make his legs turn into pudding.

“God, what a beauty,” Justin whispered as he leaned in to leave kisses on Brian's shoulder and then his neck, never letting go of the erection in his hand. “I hope you know that I've just changed our plans for tonight,” he announced, smiling when Brian grinned and then nodded eagerly.

They had both been rather tired after a long day at the theme park riding roller coasters with the boys and had decided to have a quick shower and then crash, knowing that it would only be a few hours before Vicky would demand their attention again, but Brian agreed, a change of plans sounded great under the circumstances.

Justin guided them to the bed and they collapsed onto it, Justin still kissing all over Brian's chest now, leaving tender kisses on his scar which had already started fading quite a bit, never letting go of the erection in his hand.

“I want you to fuck me,” he announced as he looked up at Brian from passion filled eyes, eyes that were hungry for what they both knew was to come. “But first I'll taste you.”

And then his head was gone and Brian gasped when his cock disappeared in Justin's talented mouth. “God, Sunshine. Gonna cum,” Brian moaned as Justin expertly blew him.

Justin tasted the first bit of precum on Brian's penis, enjoying the taste he had been missing for months, before he let go of the erection, not wanting to waste it on a blowjob. As much as he loved blowing Brian and as much as he loved and wanted to taste him, he didn't know if this was a one off or if Brian was back to his old self now. Not knowing when he'd have his next erection, there was no way Justin would waste it on a blowjob when he could have Brian inside him, fucking him.

Knowing how much Brian loved watching Justin prepare himself, Justin held out his index finger to Brian's mouth, urging him to give it a good lick. Brian did as asked and shortly after, Justin led his finger to his hole and gently started massaging it. When he felt the muscle give in, he slowly started inserting the finger. He moaned at the pleasure, enjoying the feeling of being filled.

He smiled when Brian handed him the box of lube and squirted a generous amount onto his hand once he had removed it from his behind and held it out for Brian. He spread the lube over his fingers, then returned to what he had been doing. After a few minutes of finger fucking his hole, he inserted a second finger, smiling when he saw Brian take in a deep breath as he was moaning in pleasure himself.

Judging by Brian's quickened breathing and the precum leaking from his penis, he was definitely enjoying what Justin was doing.

Justin spread his fingers, scissoring them to open up the muscle around his hole, then added a third finger. God, he was so ready for his fingers to be replaced by Brian's dick, but he knew that it had been a while since Brian had last fucked him and even though Brian had fucked him with their collection of dildos in recent months, it just wasn't the same. Justin wanted to be sure that he was ready to take in Brian and he knew that Brian wouldn't fuck him any other way.

“Almost there,” he moaned as he spread his three fingers inside himself, feeling the muscle give. “God, want you to fuck me.”

Brian moaned as well, his hands running all over Justin's body, his cock still leaking precum.

After a couple of more minutes in which Brian had sat up and had started kissing Justin, Brian pulled back, removing Justin's fingers from his asshole. “You ready?” He asked breathlessly, looking at Justin from hungry eyes.

Justin nodded, his eyes glazed over with passion. “Fuck me!”

Brian helped Justin lie down, then spread his legs apart, settling in the space between them.

He squirted some more lube into Justin's hands and gasped as the blond started spreading the lube on his cock.

“God, I'm so close. Won't last,” he warned, but Justin didn't care.

“Don't care. Need you inside me,” was all he replied, removing his hands from Brian's cock, instead grabbing his neck and pulling him closer for another lust-filled kiss. “Need you, Brian.”

Brian nodded, never breaking the kiss as he carefully led his cock to Justin's hole. He whispered into the kiss as he started to push in. “Love you.”

Justin moaned at the feeling of being breached. There was always a slight second of pain, but that had quickly turned into pleasure when he felt Brian glide in further. He loved the feeling of being filled by his lover again and loved the feeling of being spread by Brian's dick. “God, feels so good,” he moaned into the kiss.

Once Brian had pushed all the way in, he started pulling out again, then pushed in again, setting a steady rhythm that was met on each thrust by Justin's hips. Justin's legs had by now closed around his waist, pulling him that much further in, making them as connected a they could be. All the while they kept kissing, whispering into the kiss as they fucked.

“God, more!”

“So tight. Always so tight.”

It didn't take long until Brian felt the signs of his orgasm and as much as he didn't want to come yet, as much as he wanted to make this last longer and wanted to enjoy it some more, he knew that there wasn't much he could do at this point, already being too far gone. And on some other level, he wanted to come as well. It had been too long since he had been able to fuck Justin and come inside him.

After two more thrusts, Brian's orgasm came over him and Brian emptied his seed inside Justin, moaning into the kiss. Feeling Brian come inside him also brought Justin to the brink and shortly after he came with a quick explosion of emotions as his own orgasm hit.

They collapsed breathlessly, finally breaking their kiss as Brian fell onto Justin's cum covered stomach and chest.

It took them a couple of minutes to regain their breaths and come back down from their orgasms.

“God, I missed this so much,” Justin whispered emotionally, looking at Brian from teary eyes.

Brian could only nod, feeling too emotional himself. Not quite sure how to deal with the onslaught of emotions, Brian hid his head in Justin's shoulder.

Justin quickly realised that Brian was crying, and wrapped his arms around his lover, holding him close. He knew how emotional he felt and he could only imagine what it felt like to Brian. He knew that he had wondered if they would ever be able to do this again when Brian had been at his worst a couple of months ago and just knowing that they had just done it, that Brian had felt well enough had messed with his emotions as well.

“I love you,” he whispered into the older man's neck, leaving tender kisses there. “I love you so much.”

Brian just nodded, just crying for what felt like hours, but had probably only been minutes. “I love you, too,” he replied after a while, running his fingers through Justin's sweaty hair. “So much.”

They stayed like that for a long time, just basking in the afterglow of what had just taken place, before they had gotten their shower after all. They had both been in desperate need of another shower and why waste water, right?

Brian was brought back to the here and now by Ted's polite cough. “You're thinking about sex with Justin aren't you?”

Ted had seen the look on Brian's face before and knew well enough what it meant.

“Jealous?” Brian smirked, knowing that he had been caught. But damn, he loved thinking back to that night. After that night, they had had many more nights like that, but it had been the first night after months of not being able to be together like that and it just held a special place in their memories. Thankfully that part of Brian's health had also returned to normal, but he would never forget the emotions he had felt the moment he had come buried inside Justin again. Something he had been scared of would never happen again when he had been sick and hadn't known if he would live or die. He wasn't even ashamed of his tears, knowing that Justin had understood and had felt the same.

“Blake and I are doing just fine, thanks very much,” Ted replied quickly, though both men knew that they didn't really want to speak about their sex lives.

They might be friends, but the days of bragging over their sexual exploits were over and long gone.

“So, Justin is painting again, you said?” Ted brought their conversation back to their earlier topic, hoping that it would be safe ground.

“Yeah. He started again last week, spending some time in the studio while Vicky was sleeping.”

“I guess Florida must have gotten his creative juices flowing again, huh?” Ted mused, not knowing how true that statement was.

“Yeah, I guess it did,” Brian said, not willing to divulge any further details about Justin's creative juices or any other juices come to that, even though he felt quite proud of himself if he thought about the fact that him fucking Justin again had brought back his inspiration to paint. So much for being his muse, Brian thought smugly, but then forced himself to focus on why he had come to the office.

“Anyway, I didn't come here to talk about Justin.”

“I figured,” Ted mused, looking at Brian with a raised eyebrow.

“Now that I am doing better and that things are slowly returning back to normal, I guess the next logical step would be to also return back to the office,” Brian announced, not surprised when he saw the smile on Ted's face.

“Brian, that's great! We all missed you and it will be great to have you back!”

“Yeah, don't get too excited, Theodore. It would be the next logical step, but... it's not what I plan on doing,” Brian replied, eyeing his friend closely, not surprised when Ted's eyes widened in surprise.

“You're not coming back?”

“Not in the way I used to be here before,” Brian said, knowing that he needed to explain some more. “In recent months so much happened and so many things have changed and Justin basically put his life and career on hold to take care of everything. I don't want to come back to the office as before and leave him to take care of Vicky. I want him to work again, I want him to paint again now that he feels inspired again.”

“But he wanted to take a break anyway when Vicky was born, didn't he?” Ted asked, not sure if he understood what Brian was saying.

“Yeah, that was the plan. And he's still intent on doing it, but... lets just say, I have decided to extent my own break as well.”

“Your own break?” Ted still felt confused.

“I know the plan was to have Vicky and then slowly start going back to work like I did with Luke. Working from home, then coming to the office for a couple of days a week. It's just that...,” Brian stopped, not quite sure how to continue.

“You don't want to come back.”

“No, not really,” Brian admitted. “I want to spend time with Justin and Vicky and the boys. I want to focus more on them. I'll still be available for some of the big accounts and to kick your ass if profits go down, but I won't be returning in the capacity I was here before I got pregnant and sick.”

“Wow...okay...I didn't expect that,” Ted admitted, eyeing his friend. “You always seemed to love Kinnetik and working here.”

“I do. I love it, but right now, I just don't feel it. Right now I feel like I owe Justin for everything he has put on hold in the last year and I want him to have the chance to explore some opportunities more without having to worry if that would work with my schedule. I want to focus on my family more. I... I missed out on so much in the last year. I missed so much time with them... I just don't feel like missing more because I was trying to nail another account. I want to spend more time with them.”

“Wow, I will be honest: I didn't expect that.”

“To be honest, neither did I. The thought first crossed my mind a couple of weeks ago and the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea of not coming back. The agency is doing fine. You and Cynthia are taking great care of things. Everything is running smoothly and you guys don't need me for the day to day running of the company. You can do it. I am not needed here.”

“You'll always be needed, Brian.”

“You guys did just fine on your own in the last few months. And if you really need me, I'll still be available. I'll only be a phone call away. I'll still be the CEO and will still read the reports and everything. I just won't be as involved in the day to day running of things as I used to be. I am not pulling out completely or selling the company. I am just taking a further step back.”

“Are you sure that's what you want?” Ted asked, knowing that Brian loved the agency and loved working here. He knew how much Brian had loved coming back after Luke had been born and older, how much he had enjoyed being around adults again. Now things were different though and he had Justin by his side. It wasn't just him and a baby, but him and Justin and their family.

Brian nodded, pulling a folder out of the briefcase he had been carrying when he had come in. He handed the folder to Ted and it didn't take long before the man gasped in shock.

“Brian, you can't!”

“I can, I have and you will accept it,” Brian said quietly, looking at his friend. “I know that I can never thank you for everything you have done for me over the years. I know that I owe you big for everything and this is my way of repaying you and saying thank you.”

“Brian,” Ted started, still looking at the contract in his hands that would give him 24.5% ownership of Kinnetik Inc.

“Cynthia will receive the same papers when I speak to her. You and her will own 49% of Kinnetik Inc and I will keep the majority of 51%. In case something happens to me, the 51% majority will go to Justin and he will take over in my place.”

“Does he know about this?” Ted asked, still feeling dumbfounded by what was happening.

“Yes, he knows,” Brian nodded. “He has known for a while now. I put this in my will in case I wouldn't... you know... make it. I told him before, asking for his approval.”

“Wow, I don't know what to say,” Ted admitted, then stopped when he saw a smile on Brian's face. It was the sort of smile Brian only had for one person. And as Ted turned around, he saw that one person walking up to Brian's side, passing him with a smile, while carrying their daughter in his arms, holding her close as Brian leaned in and kissed her on her head.

“Say yes,” Justin said, smiling at Ted. “Then I can take him back home with us.”

“Aren't you supposed to be with your mother?” Brian frowned, pulling Justin into an embrace, holding him and Vicky securely in his arms.

“She had to leave. Some emergency at the office. She's gonna come and visit us later when it's taken care off.”

Brian nodded, then turned back to Ted. “Well, you heard him. Say yes, so he can take me home with them.”

Ted still felt dumbfounded, looking at the papers in his hand. “I... I don't know what to say, but... thank you! Thank you so much!”

“You deserve it,” Brian said sincerely, meeting his friend's eyes in an emotional gaze. “You really do, Theodore!”

“Yeah, Ted. You deserve it. Just sign and go home to celebrate with Blake!” Justin added.

“He's got a presentation later, he can't,” Brian winked, making Justin laugh.

“Okay, then do the presentation first and celebrate afterwards.”

Ted finally gave in and signed the paperwork, becoming part owner of Kinnetik Inc.

Afterwards Brian met with Cynthia, who seemed as shocked as Ted, but in the end also accepted his gift and when Brian and Justin left Kinnetik that day, they both knew that the company was in good hands.