Chapter 1 ~ A Way Out (sunday  5 a.m)

“No one commits suicide because they want to die. Then why do they do it?

Because they want to stop the pain” 

~Tiffanie DeBartolo~

- - -

A public park somewhere in Pittsburgh, Sunday  5 a.m

He dialed 911 and informed the dispatcher of his location. “Can you confirm that you have my location? I’m ending my life. Please notify the police” he listened to the voice on the other end for a few seconds. 

No sir, I don’t want help. It’s too late. I want the police to find my body before someone else does.”  

He ended the call, said a short prayer, put the gun in his mouth, and pulled the trigger...

-    -    -

Chapter 2 ~ Anita

“We all have an unsuspected reserve of strength inside that emerges when life puts us to the test”

~ Isabel Allende

-   -   -

Anita’s Point of view, Ohio County WV, (past and sunday 4 a.m)

“Welcome home Tommo did you have a good shift?” He placed his cane up against the kitchen counter and proceeded to boil water. I had already told him I was taking half of the night shift since we were a bit low on staff. 

My grandfather is wonderful kind and loving man. I know I'm so incredibly lucky to have him in my life. My mother had her kindness and empathic nature from him. But he's also brilliant, so well read, ask him a question about most topics and if he doesn't know he'll come back with the answer sooner or later. Meanwhile he's so humble most people have no idea how smart he is. He was never gonna be a big time farmer like size of his land offers. He forgot one of his legs in Vietnam, his own words, and despite that disability he refused to sell the farm which was passed down from his father even though it probably would have been easier for him. He and grandma made many changes and run an organic self pick orchard as well as having a small herd of animals. 

He has called me different variations of the name Thomas for as long as I can remember. It can be confusing to people who don't know about it. I'm told there's a note in the reception at work which says: “If an older gentleman calls and asks for Thomas, Tom etc it's probably for Anita. Except if it's for Dr Thomas. Then it's for Dr Thomas.”

“Hi Gramps, thanks yes it was ok. I'm sorry I woke you.” I gave him a hug and told him I wanted to go to my room and asked him to kiss grandma goodnight for me. 

“Oh well… you didn't wake me honey, I was showing your grandmother how much I love her, and now we're thirsty so I'm making tea. Do you want some?” he gave me a wink. He knows I can take it and I know he's not kidding, he and grandma are like lovestruck teenagers sometimes. I lied to him though, there is something at work which is bothering me more than a little bit. 

I chatted with him while he finished making the tea, then he handed me a large cup. “Do you want to talk about it honey? The presidential suite isn’t going anywhere” 

Told you. He’s smart. He calls my room the presidential suite because it’s bigger than his own has its own bathroom and a walk in closet. It used be two rooms but because my mother and me spend so much time with them when I was younger he knocked down a wall and made a small studio apartment for us. 

My thoughts go straight to Brian, but there’s nothing to say and I’m not ready to discuss it with Gramps, we’re not supposed to talk about the patients outside of work anyway, I did sign a paper about that. It could be some giant misunderstanding. But still, for some reason, I can’t help feeling worried. 

“No, there’s probably nothing I can do anything about right now. I’m gonna take my tea upstairs, go back to grandma loverboy!” He had that one coming didn’t he. I returned the wink he’d given me earlier but slightly more theatrically. 

He just smiled. “ You’ll figure it out, I know you will and don’t forget you can talk to me if something is bothering you. Good night dear, sweet dreams“ 

I might be a tomboy in my heart but I'm also, depending on how you look at it, blessed or burdened with a very feminine look. Let's just say that I've had to fight to be taken seriously sometimes, and that sometimes I find myself running into situations where I feel a slight comradery with a certain Legally Blond character. That movie could not have been about me, unless you change the law school bit to nursing school, fashion sense to dancing…. And well the dog needs to go too. Throw in a bit of  rock and roll and a good variety of homemade remedies. Yeah. It’s a different movie now but let's just say that I can do an impression of Elle Woods very easily. ‘What? Like it’s hard?’ So anyway now maybe you have my first impression. Get to know me better though and you'll find that I don't mind breaking my nails if I have to, and I can kick both high and hard when needed. That part came with serious karate training from age three.

My grandparents farm was always the only physical address I could relate to as home. It’s not that my mother was a bad person, she loved me dearly and showed me that every day but for all her good intentions I think if she’d had psychological evaluation she’d probably be classified as an unfit parent. She was very much a free spirit but she took me to my grandparents home whenever she needed a to ground herself and often she let me stay there without her for extended periods, but many times she brought me along with her on her travels, living out of her truck, in tents, or in her friends' houses. 

My elementary education was not formal and I only finished one year of high school. I was home schooled by mother if we can call it that. She tutored me herself or got me private lessons when she felt I falling behind it subjects she didn't feel able to teach me. I guess she was doing an ok job because I did above average on evaluations. Just above it that is. Other than that I learned from our travels and spending time with different people I met through her. I was fluent in French and Spanish by the time I was 10. 

I went to a regular school for a term here and there if my mother stayed long enough in one place, mostly during the times of staying with my grandparents, they called it for social reasons only, that I should check out what's considered cool in school, have some friends my own age and test my ability in sitting still in a classroom without without turning into a monkey. Looking back I'm sure I was lucky, as it's very easy for me to read situations and people and even though I wasn't there continuously I made friends. For that very reason too I really liked going to school for the learning part because since I was there so sporadically I never managed to be bored of it. But I stopped highschool when my mother died.

I never knew who my father was, and I wasn’t very old when it first occured to me that I was probably the product of sexual violence because of the way my mother, who was carefree about most aspects of life, seemed overly protective when it came to mens interest in me. She was adamant about me learning self defense and when I was 12, I already had a black belt in Karate. 

She always used to say “It's not about the grades on your evaluations. I really don’t care how many math problems you solve and how many books you finish reading if you are kind to others and make sure to have fun and be a good fighter” And then she would hug me and ask me what I wanted to do next. Her attention span was sometimes that of Doro the fish but we got along so well. She suffered from anxiety and she self medicated and sometimes she drank a bit too much. Sounds like a recipe for disaster, I know. But despite it all, somehow it just worked.

My mother always had a complicated relationship with food. Her eating disorder was no secret, she never hid it and she readily accepted help for her problems. There were good years and she was very invested in helping me grow a healthy relationship with food and understanding of nutrition. In the end though she lost the battle with her disease. I was 14 when she had her first heart attack. After that it didn’t take long. A few days before she died when I was holding her skinny frame on her sick bed, I quietly asked her if she wanted to tell me who my father was. 

“It was dark. They hurt me. But they gave me you and that’s good” she said and smiled sadly. She asked me to be brave and and I promised her that I was going to live my life to the fullest and enjoy life for both of us. 

After her death I felt such a great loss and even though my grandparents gave me all the love they could I just had to get away. They were not happy about allowing a barely 15 year old girl to travel alone but they both knew if they forbade it I would probably run away anyway. They knew they couldn't lock me up and let me go if I promised to be safe and call if I needed money and never forget that I was welcome back when I got tired of traveling. I asked if it was the same speech they had given my mother. My grandfather nodded sadly. “But you are so much stronger than her Mr Edison, you'll be fine.”

So I packed a small backpack and hitch hiked to the west coast and proceeded to break my promise to my grandparents about being safe. It’s not like I was alone or unprepared. Through my mother I already had a network of friends out there, who where my safety net and I only used my grandparents offer about sending money very rarely because I knew it made them feel better. Many of my mothers friends were musicians and in the beginning I travelled with some of them helping with the shows they were in. I started taking salsa lessons and became a certified teacher, traveled to different cities for workshops, even made it to Cuba once. Life was fun. I became a part of a traveling dance company focusing on Latin dances. I got a used Volkswagen bus which I turned into my home and from then on I was working for myself making my own path through it all.

I don’t regret leaving my grandparents so young. I may have been repeating some of my mothers questionable life choices and it was without a child so I was free to test my boundaries and certainly managed to get myself into some very heavy shit for awhile. Of course there were some heartbreaks and difficulties but I was lucky with the people I met and by some miracle I never found myself in serious trouble with the law. I was free, there were fun times, lust, love, it was wild and deep and I made amazing friends. I met Daniel. He confused me a bit. I was very young and was definitely not looking for a steady relationship but there was something about him. He left my life as fast as he entered it and I was fine with that until the next time we met. By then I had moved back to West Virginia had gotten my GED and done half of nursing school. I took a break in my studies and applied for volunteer work overseas. Perhaps I should call Daniel, he might know what to do. He's is really the smartest person I know… as stupid as he is.

Chapter 3 ~ Sunshine In The Rain

“If you're going through hell, keep going”

~ Winston Churchill ~

-   -   -

Brian’s point of view. Butler County, PA, the day before. 

It’s early morning, Justin’s violent coughing woke me up. He’s been sick for over three weeks, and I’m hoping he’ll manage some more rest before the next coughing fit.

It’s time for me to go tend to the animals, but before I go I’ll spend a few minutes with him. I’m stroking his forehead and temples, mesmerized by how long his blond eyelashes are. Since meeting him I know that eyelashes are my favorite part of the face. 

I’ve begged my mother to call a doctor, and she just said it was normal to be a little sick when you have the flu. That it just takes a little time and God would take care of him. But it doesn't seem this god of hers is in much of a hurry. He’s been sleeping more evenly lately, not complaining as much and sweats a lot. In films this means his fever is coming down so that's good right? But I'm guessing because the battery in the thermometer is dead and I don't know, he still feels a bit hot when I touch him.

He was a bit skinny already when he arrived but it got worse after… uhm after that first awful day… I've kind of had to force him to eat... and since becoming sick he’s gotten much worse. Yet he looks so beautiful. All I want is to crawl into bed with him and hold him but I’ve never really dared to show him much affection, terrified of what would happen if Jack found out something is going on… I just know he wouldn't think twice about not using it against me. I don’t mind his blows anymore but if he’ll hurt Justin to get to me… I wouldn’t be able to take that. 

I had decided to run away and had actually packed some clothes. Where to, I had no clue, just figured anywhere but here would be better. But the winter was so cold, and Hunter warned me that if I ended on the streets like he had been I would just be in the same mess… or even worse so I kept postponing it. But then Justin came to live here. The day he arrived it had been raining or snowing for weeks it seamed. I was outside fixing something at Jack’s demands and saw him as he stepped out of the car. A ray of sunshine broke through the clouds just then and he looked at me. That’s when I knew I had to stay. 

Justin is so different from the rest of us. His folks have money, he went to a private school, he can speak French and he took art lessons. He talks fancy. Yet he came here. I don’t understand it. The other kids came through social services or some charity at Joan's church. 

Justin’s father brought him here. Apparently his parents were getting a divorce and they thought it was good for him to spend some time in the countryside for a few weeks. That was nearly 2 months ago. 2 months of the worst terror I’ve ever thought possible, having to hide my feelings, so afraid that if I sleep too deep someone will harm him. 

We have cows, pigs and chicken and it looks perfect at first sight. Too perfect probably. Mom makes sure that we keep the sides that face the driveway freshly painted and remove any trash, but that’s all on the outside. The inside is a different story. I don’t know why no one notices what’s going on here. Perhaps if his parents came to visit, perhaps then they would get him out. I guess he pulled the same numbers in the parent lottery as I did. 

Jack’s voice yelling from downstairs brings me out of my thoughts. “Sonny boy.... get your lazy useless ass down ‘ere!  Someone needs to clean the stables…” I feel like telling him to clean the fucking stables himself but I tried that once long ago and he beat me like a dog. I couldn’t  go to school for over a week after that. Reluctantly I get up to leave the room, it’s best to do as he says and I’ll do anything to protect Justin. He’s the reason I go on. The only one that makes me forget this hell we're living in. I really need to get us away from here. As soon as he feels a bit better…

“Bri…don’t go…” he whispers hoarsely, and I turn around quickly, his eyes are closed and the light filtering through the gap of the curtains light up his face. 

“How did you even know I was here?  you were sleeping like a porcupine on a hot day,”

“I’m not a porcupine… but there may be a porcupine in my throat though… “

I pick up a glass with water in it, “here drink this,”

“I can’t swallow, it hurts...”

“you have to drink something, just one small sip… please... do it for me Sunshine” 

As I support him and hold the glass to help him drink, it’s very clear he’s in considerable pain but he nearly drinks up. “Good boy, now you’re going to get better. Now please go back to sleep” I stroke his forehead and then softly rub his closed eyelids. He smiles. 

“Mmm… feels good… I like it when you stay with me… you make me feel safe… hold me Brian...”  I get up into his bed and hold him until he’s asleep again. 

“Sooonny Boyyyy… Do I have to come up there and get you?” The insistent yells seem closer now and I pretty much fly from the bed. Shit! I almost forgot. I met Cynthia in the doorway.

“Shhh…” she whispers, “let me deal with this.” She goes to the top of the stairs.

“Brian is not here, he’s in the cowshed.” 

Jack seems to be content with that, and we can hear him retreat, probably getting back to bed. I climb out of the window leaving Cynthia to stay with Justin. Hunter is already in the shed but he can use my help.

We moved here two summers ago just after I turned 13. It’s my mother's childhood home and after Jack lost his job at the steel factory and couldn’t find a new job they couldn’t afford the mortgage so we came here to live with my recently widowed granddad and to help him run the farm. I remember it was actually nice in the beginning even though we’re pretty far out of  Pittsburgh and I couldn't visit my friends very often. 

The house was bigger than our old house in Pittsburgh. I remember how exciting it was to investigate all the rooms in the beginning. The ground floor with its giant living room, dining room and kitchen and two other rooms, several bedrooms upstairs, with the giant old trees in the garden stretching their branches so close that it was actually possible to get in and out of the windows of some of the bedrooms. Wildly interesting at first but later more of a survival strategy. The best of all though was the cool basement with it’s big laundry room and rooms they used for workers back in the day which had turned into really interesting kind of storage rooms. Now that very basement has become our personal hell. 

My grandmother had died earlier that spring and my aunt Janet was happy to have us. I had always known she was different and even though she was older than my sister Claire, me and her played together since I can remember. I remember when mom told me when I was little that Janet would never be smart because she had meningitis when she was little. I didn’t understand, I thought she was smart, she just didn’t hear or talk very well. She acted silly all the time and I just found her hilarious and liked playing with her much more than I did with Claire who never even let me in her room. 

Our days were filled with adventures, I was happy, had someone to play with and I liked living on a farm. We had a dog now, some cats, cows, pigs and chicken. My bedroom was next to my granddads and I managed much better to hide from my father’s angry outburst. 

My friends in Pittsburgh visited a bit and I got to spend a few times with them that first summer, but then not after that. I didn’t invite the kids at my new school to come over because I didn’t want them to see what my father was like. Maybe also for that reason I spend so much time with Janet. She showed me all the good hiding spots, and warned me about the monsters in the forest. It was true there are plenty of wild animals around and she was afraid of those. I’d seen both bears and coyotes come pretty close to the farm so we mostly stayed close to the farm. She also had frequent seizures so it was important for her to be close to home so that I could get help if they happened. 

Grandpa got sick around Christmas and died in January and things immediately started to change for the worse. Jack fired the farm hand and my parents took in two foster kids my age, a boy called Hunter and a girl who's name is Cynthia. They are both really tough kids who’d been living in several foster homes but always got themselves returned for one thing or another. In the beginning I thought Hunter and I would never be friends, I found him cynical, hostile even, you know the kind where you just know you don't want to get on the wrong side of unless you want to start finding broken glass in your bed. 

But the initial feeling I had about him was so far from what he actually turned out to be. He’s kind of like a rottweiler because after a few days I realized he's really very loyal and friendly. I found him to be a bit of a tease and really would like to learn his almost superpower-like people skills when it comes to charming people because in this environment that is a survival skill. Even dad accepted him right from the start. He’s not as tall as me, but he’s a hard worker and what he lacks in physical strength he makes up many times in smart thinking. He had this calm self secure aura about him and instead of giving up he thinks of solutions. Like when something breaks he’ll simply say “Oh, it’s broken? Let’s fix it then”. Lately though, I’ve noticed his coolness is faltering. He smokes almost as much as me and he’s not as cocky.  

Cynthia is nice and very smart. Street smart, not school smart that is. It was clear right from the start that she had some self esteem issues, never wanted to be alone and we also quickly found out that she could hardly read, maybe it’s dyslexia. She’d been living all over the country before she came away from her mother. She reminds me of that friend of a main character we have in every other popular movie, the one who has no idea how cool she is but just is the coolest one anyway. 

We spent a lot of time together already from the start. She was super friendly, maybe a bit too much in the beginning… I had the feeling she was hitting on me and that was super weird because she really is a beautiful girl, but all I was interested in was friendship. Her being here and some other things I had gotten into at school before she came here made me think that maybe I was… not entirely straight. But it was so confusing. I kind of thought for a long time that I like both boys and girls I just couldn’t figure it out. I tried finding some information online at school but I was shy about it and didn’t know anyone to talk about it with.  

Claire dropped out of high school already after a few weeks. She told my parents she detested them both and she hated living on the farm and she wanted to go back to Pittsburgh to live with her friends. Then she left. It was great, she was always annoyed and yelling at me. Also after Hunter and Cynthia came we each had a bedroom of our own so we didn't have to share so it was good she was gone. Yeah that's what I thought at the time. When Cynthia told me about what dad had been doing to her I was crushed. I almost threw up. 

Claire never called or texted me, didn't even come to granddad's funeral but visited once about half a year later. Our parents were really stiff, dad was polite to her and mom talked a lot about how nice the new priest at church was and poured herself several glasses of sherry. Claire mostly ignored them. It was so strange. Before when mom mentioned church she would complain and ask mom to stop with the Jesus talk, and dad, well, he never used to be polite to her before. She looked great and she brought me a super cool vintage leather jacket and a new pair of jeans and hugged me and everything. I was very surprised. She used to be so pissed off always when she lived at home. Now she smiled and showed more interest in me than she ever did before asked me if everything was alright and even talked to Hunter and Cynthia asking them how they liked staying here. She NEVER talked to my friends before. "You're sure everything is alright?" she asked and eyed us suspiciously, especially Cynthia. 

"Everything is fine," mom quickly said, and the three of them exchanged looks I didn’t understand. "No one is getting special treatment, Cynthia and Hunter may not be our flesh and blood but they have the same amount of chores as Brian"

Claire gave mom a look and I got this strange feeling that I was missing something. I suddenly realized I had this vague memory of the day when they arrived, of dad giving Cynthia a pat on the back and told her she was a fine girl and mom was quick to hiss at him "Don't you dare! No picking favorites, everyone is equal here. I was missing something. Something big.

They got ready to leave, and then Claire told us she was pregnant and they were moving to Cleveland where her boyfriend was from. She then did something that I didn't understand at the time but now… well I get it now. She told dad she was taking the Jeep. That he owed her and if he said a word she would go straight to the police. And then she and her boyfriend both drove away. I wish she would have gone to the police… if she knew what he was capable of… or maybe she just assumed that she was his only victim.

We all used to go to the same school that spring semester. Hunter was a bit like me, we only needed to read something once and we just got it. We saw this old movie on TV called Good Will Hunting and figured we were super smart like him. We competed in who could memorize things faster and made plans about how we were going to ace all the tests and get into university, move to New York and be rich. 

We helped Cynthia with her homework, and sometimes did it for her a little bit. She had some learning problems and had missed a lot of school before, but if we helped her with the reading part she was quick to pick it up and had an amazing memory and conversation skills. I think if she gets better at reading she can do anything she wants… except math maybe, she kind of sucks at math.

We were the new kids in school and had that in common besides living together on the farm and dealing with Jack’s temper. Being the new kid at school is tough enough and for them it was like the 7th or something time they had to change schools so they didn't really bother making friends. 

I wasn't trying too hard to make friends either, I guess felt a bit ostracized, the kids out here are different from my friends in the city. I was probably my own fault too. I was on the football team the first semester, but quit going to practices after some time for a few different reasons. I got into fights with the captain of the team when he called me a faggot just because I didn’t give bother answering him him when he asked me which one of the cheerleaders I wanted him to set me up with for a blowjob. Chris Hobbs. The name even screams that he's a bully. The coach somehow freaked me out too. It was just a feeling I had and I really didn’t get it, but I sure would find out later. The main reason I quit though was that the football practices were in the afternoon and I was just too tired because I was getting up so early. And besides, I didn’t want anyone to see the bruises Jack gave me. 

So it was kind of natural that when Hunter and Cynthia came  to the farm I kind of gave up on the local kids and started hanging out with them at school instead. I sometimes daydream about if I had continued on the football team and then gotten popular and then maybe someone would know and come help us. Or at least someone would have noticed when we stopped coming. I've thought so much about what I could have done differently.

It was really us kids who took care of the farm. It was a lot of work but we woke up at 5 o'clock each morning, so work would be finished before we went to school. Some of it was easy, there was a milking robot and the cows came to it themselves. But we had to maintain it and make sure everything was super clean or else the milktruck driver would give us warnings and penalties. We made sure they had enough food and called the vet if needed. The pigs were harder, their sty was always a mess and they were lazy to move when we needed to clean it. I loved the little calves and piglets and it was a bit sad to see them leave. Yes, I'm a city kid at heart. So sue me. On that topic the thing that I disliked the most was slaughtering the chicken. Granddad showed me how to do it and he took care of it until he got sick and then I was supposed to take over. I hated it. Thankfully Hunter and Cynthia offered themselves for the job when they arrived. Hunter can be such a weirdo sometimes. He literally likes it, I think, and where as I just want to scream when the body runs or flies away while the head still clucks after it's chopped off, he just thinks it's dead funny, pun intended. And I don't like the smell when pulling out the feathers. Cynthia's tiny nimble fingers are stronger than they look and she defeathers chicken like she's never done anything else.

We let Cynthia sleep in the morning. She’s not built for heavy lifting and also Joan is constantly at her neck at night making her help with cooking and doing the dishes after dinner because that's the woman's job. 

Us three stayed out of Jack’s way and did our best with the farm work and keeping the house clean so that we wouldn’t be yelled at by Joan. It was still good sometimes, it’s fun having such good playmates my own age around and we've always stuck together like glue, after the first few weird days of getting used to each other anyway. We have a warning system if one of the grownups is close, make use of sign language, other gestures, code words,  whistling and making small noises. We never left Janet out, she was part of the team and she’s the one who taught us sign language. 

Last August when school was about to start I pointed out to Joan that we were going to need new clothes for school. She said she’d deal with Jack. That night at dinner she told him we needed to look presentable at school, so people wouldn’t think poorly of her and she was going shopping the next day. Jack was very quiet as if he hadn’t heard. 

“It’s gonna be so much fun starting school again, I look forward to...” Cynthia said in her cheerful way but she wasn’t able to finish her sentence because Jack stood up and flipped over the dining room table. Food and tableware went flying as we all scrambled to get away from him. Janet cried, Mum was yelling, it appeared she was more worried about the broken tableware than how we were feeling.

“Do you think I’m made of money?  Hmm…? Here I am without a job spending every last dime on feeding you useless parasites. It’s a bloody waste of time and money, it’s time you quit that nonsense school and start working like normal people”

I  was hurt and confused. It's enough pressure being the son of the caretakers in a house with two foster kids. Jack has always had a temper and if I forget to be perfect for just a minute he's very quick to let me know. So I pretend to be cool, I always want everyone to think I'm in control. It's a miracle really that all the other kids look at me as their leader. I didn’t say anything, just looked apologetically at Hunter and Cynthia and made the cow sign at them and then fled the scene. They both soon came and found me were I was hiding with the cows.

We didn't go back inside until much later. Jack, Joan and Janet had gone to bed but the dining room was still a mess, and it looked like they had taken their fight further because there were other broken items than what we had used for dinner. We cleaned it up before we went to bed. I found it hard to sleep that night. I'd somehow just always assumed everybody's basic needs like that were covered by the money my parents got each month from the foster care system. Maybe he was forgetting how much he was spending on booze and gambling. Maybe if I worked even harder and made the farm perfect Jack would leave us alone. Maybe I should help mom more too. Maybe she just needed a vacation… or I could sell the watch Grandfather left me and buy something nice for it… 

Yeah. I still cared about my mother back then.

So, we quit going to school. I kept waiting for someone from school to come ask about us but no one seemed to think it strange. In fact no one has been here for evaluating us for months now. It’s really strange. When Hunter and Cynthia first came here, someone would come at least once a month to make sure we were all happy and healthy and I guess we were, even though things haven’t really been alright since my grandpa died. 

The silver lining was that now that we weren’t going to school anymore we actually had time and energy to finish all of our chores and didn’t have to stay up half the night any more. The farm started to look much better, we painted the houses, gave the terrace a clean and a few rounds of wood oil and took the weed burner to every plant that dared to grow without permission. We fixed up the inside parts of the outhouses too. When the fall came, we removed all leaves and it looked great. Most of the time Jack left us alone. I figured it was going to be alright. Damn was I wrong. 

In November my parents took in two more kids,  a boy Jason our age and a girl Kira a year younger than the rest of us. The new priest brought them, I noticed he was very handsome. He's way older, must be like 30 but his face looks kind, especially his eyes but more importantly, I found myself staring at his ass a little bit. Maybe Chris Hobbs was right. Apparently, both Kira and Jason had been homeless and my mum's church had rescued them off the streets because it was getting colder, and now they would be coming here for temporary care until a better solution was found. They chose our farm because my mother was such an outstanding charity worker, because it was such a nice clean and loving Cristian home. Imagine that. 

It was starting to get a bit crowded, Kira shared a room with Cynthia, and Jason and Hunter bunked together. They knew each other from before when they were on the streets. I still had a single, it made me feel a bit weird, I really didn't want them to think that like… because I was the son I was getting special treatment, so kind of turned my room into our hangout place, since it had a couch and a TV. Janet also had a single but she always had her own room and it wouldn't work to have her share. It also always smells kind of bad in there because she uses a diaper and sometimes forgets to throw them out. 

Kira and Jason both suffered a bit of asthma especially on cold days, so we let them sleep in the morning but they helped out a lot anyway other parts of the day. 

One evening a man came by and my father and he argued about money. I was in my room and I could hear them through my open window. “If you can’t come up with the money before next week we’ll have to solve it another way.”

My parents were drunk every night and honestly my mom was sipping something during the day too. She also had pills that the doctor gave her for back pain. Her back pain was so bad that she didn't want to risk getting worse with working in the house. She wanted the girls to do it, because it was the woman's job to keep the home tidy, but seriously, there was no way we would just sit and watch them clean, and anyway it wasn't as if we enjoyed sitting with Jack watching TV or hanging in our rooms knowing they were working. I stole one of her pills once to give to Cynthia because she had such bad cramps. It made her sleep for hours. I don't know how mom can take that many and still be able to get dressed very nicely and go to church, which she does almost every day. 

There was no dinner unless we cooked. I didn’t mind that though, but the problem was that sometimes they didn’t really go grocery shopping. In the fall we had apples, corn and potatoes and some other fruit and vegetables we’d grown ourselves. We ate all the chicken and now we only have a few hens left and we need those for eggs. There is plenty of milk and still some meat in the freezer. 

Sometime late November I started noticing that my Janet wasn’t so playful anymore. Jack had started taking her to some school for people like her a few times a week. I asked him why he was making her go if she didn’t like it, and all he said was “Mind your own business, boy!” That was followed with a slap across my face and a bloody nose so I didn’t ask again. 

A few weeks after that Janet went to an advent getaway for disabled people. My parents both got very drunk when Jack came back from driving her there. She’d been gone for a week or so when they told us she’d had a bad seizure and died in the hospital. They didn't let us go to the funeral. It made me really sad but if I’d said something… well I didn’t want to risk it. After Christmas when I went with my mother to grandma and grandpa’s graves to tidy and remove the decorations I asked her why there was no cross for Janet, she didn’t answer. 

Some time after that Jason went to visit an aunt he said he had no idea he had. My father took him to meet her. He came home alone. He told us she would be taking him to live with her in Florida. We found it strange that he didn’t say goodbye. He had left behind his stuff but my father said she was rich and would get him new stuff. We didn’t see him again. I still had no clue what was going on. 

They started coming in February. The customers. Jack said if we wanted to eat we better pull our own weight. We got sent with them to a room in the basement. At first they wanted to take pictures and videos of us naked, but soon that changed. I hate what they do to me, I try not to think about it, most of them are not so bad, Mr. Swanson comes a couple of times a week, he’s kind to me and brings me stuff I need such as cigarettes and drugs. The painkillers I’ve been giving Justin are from him. He works in a pharmacy and what he brings is always some high quality shit. I’ve told him that Justin is allergic to tylenol and codeine and penicillin but he brought something that’s ok for him to take.

Last time he was here was the night before yesterday, I treated him like literal filth. He doesn’t deserve it. He is a very kind man… I know he’s been protecting Justin. I’m such a shit. My old football coach is a regular too. Sleeze bastard. Tiny dick. He likes to take me and tell me I'm a good for nothing slut. I guess I am. 

But some guys like to hurt us… sometimes… well, like I already said; I try not to think about it. Jack has made it clear to us that if anyone tries to leave he’d  kill everyone. Why haven’t we called for help one could ask. The landline has been dead for months and Jack and Joan keep their phones locked at all times. And yes, I know 911 can be called with a locked phone. I have a brain. But some of the guys who come here are policemen. Jack has made sure to tell us that they will know immediately if someone squeaks. And he says there are men guarding the driveway. It’s like that. There is no way out. 

After Justin came here my new goal in life became to keep him away from the basement. I taught him everything I could think of at the stables and made him work really hard. I just thought that if I could keep “them” away from Justin everything would be alright. But I was going to fail at that. 

The first time he was sent to the basement I’d really tried to stop them but I failed. I begged Jack to let me go instead but he dragged me into the barn where he proceeded to beat me like a dog. I ended up with a broken arm and some pretty bad bruising all over. My mother took me to a hospital in West Virginia to try to hide it from family services. She told me that if I’d say anything it would be the end of Justin. That worked. I kept my mouth shut and no one came to help us... and I… I had failed. Failed him. My Sunshine.

- - -

Chapter 4 - How I Went To Hell, And Why I Stayed

“When love is not madness, it is not love”

~Pedro Calderon de la Barca~

-   -   -

Justin’s point of view (past)

When my parents divorced last year my mother got custody of my sister Molly and dad got me. Mom was having trouble finding an apartment like she wanted so she  and Molly went to visit my grandparents in Connecticut and our house was put on the market but it would take some time to sell it, something about the market not being good they told me. I didn't mind them having trouble selling because 'Good then' I could have my room a bit longer, and honestly actually hoping they would be able to sell at all. I remember being anxious and sad about them divorcing but there wasn't much I could do about it. 

I went to Connecticut twice, for Thanksgiving and Christmas it was nice but I was a bit torn, my mother said she might want to stay there indefinitely and then she wants me to move there too but I wasn’t sure, because I didn’t really want to leave my friend Daphne and change schools. I wished I was older and could just move away and decide for myself.

It was different and maybe a little difficult sometimes. I missed Mom and my baby sister, but I didn’t miss how unhappy she was all the time and I certainly didn’t miss the arguments they would have every single day. Sure, I was used to her doing things for me, such as driving me places and cooking and taking care of the laundry, but dad got a cleaning lady, so it wasn’t like our house turned into a dump or anything. It was just less personal. And he certainly wasn’t home much so me and Daph would hang out at my house a lot, do our homework and wasting time watching TV. 

One day Dad introduced me to his new girlfriend Linda. A few months later they got married, and told me they were going to travel for a few weeks for their honeymoon. Meanwhile I would be going to live at a farm north of Pittsburgh were other kids my age lived. I think it was Linda’s idea to send me off to the countryside while they were away. At least I always had the feeling she didn’t like having me around. 

I would have to change schools anyway because my private school was too expensive, Dad said. By that time Mom had decided she would be staying permanently in Connecticut, and dad said I would go there as soon as she would be settled. I didn't feel good about it and told him I thought Mom was settled good enough and asked why I couldn’t go to her straight away instead of going to some farm but he said they both agree it would be good for me to learn some farm work. It would make a man out of me. Get my mind off that drawing nonsense. It was always Mom who encouraged my enthusiasm for art. He promised that he would visit me as soon as they would come back from their travels.

I’m not sure why I didn’t talk to Mom about it. I guess I was angry that she hadn’t asked me if I wanted to go and maybe I thought I could just call her if I didn’t like the farm.

How could I have known that they would take my phone and computer away and that there wouldn’t be any other phones?

Dad was right about learning farm work and that other kids lived there but that was about it. And he never once came to visit. If he had, I guess he would have taken me away but I guess I’ll never know for sure. I did think about if he knew what was going on here but I don’t want to believe he did. 

The farm wasn’t at all what I had expected. I never thought a place like this could exist. That this would ever happen to me. I guess I should have tried to run away but I guess I was too afraid. Jack made it clear to me very quickly that the reason my parents weren’t coming to visit was because they didn’t want me anymore and I guess I believed him a little bit. So basically my whole thinking is a mess, I don't understand it... It's like more I think about it… I just get more confused. Like, why hasn't mom visited? She's so careful about keeping everyone happy. She even used to ask me what I wanted for my birthday and Christmas presents in case I might not like what she got me. So, I wonder if she even knows I'm here. 

And then there was Brian. Before long I wanted to stay because of him. Brian was there when I got out of the car, he was the first of kids that I saw. He was wearing torn jeans and a gorgeous vintage leather jacket.  His hair and clothes were wet from the rain and he was holding a toolbox of some sort. He looked at me and suddenly I realized what those feelings were, the ones the boys at school talked about when talking about girls. Not that I had thought about it much if I liked girls or boys but when I saw Brian standing there I felt butterflies in my stomach… and my knees… and my spine. I simply forgot to breathe. 

It felt amazing but really confusing too because I was sure he didn’t feel the same for me. He was even a bit nasty to me. He woke me up at dark o’clock in the morning and we’d go to the stables. He insisted that I worked hard and get myself dirty. One day when I was washing my hands he told me not to. “What? Are you a girl or something?” he asked with a sneer. 

I didn’t understand at first but when I finally realized that he was doing this because he cared for me it was too late. Until that day, I had no idea what was going on in the basement. I asked Brian one day and he just told me “It’s hell. Don’t ever go near the basement.” I actually thought Jack was making them do some sort of work down there. Only, I didn't realize what kind of “work”.

One morning he didn’t show up to wake me and didn’t come to the stables. Cynthia told me he had been hurt and Edward was with him downstairs. That afternoon I found him behind the barn, smoking weed. He had a black eye and his lip was bruised… pretty much his whole face was messed up a bit... and he couldn’t sit down. I felt all cold on the inside because… maybe… someone must have attacked him. Like sexually maybe. I'm not stupid, something bad is going on downstairs. When I asked him what had happened, he just smoked silently and then told me that we needed to get away as soon as possible. He called me Sunshine and showed me a tattoo of a sun he had made on his wrist. He told me he was sorry he treated me so bad, that he did it because he liked me.

A few days later Joan came and told me to take a bath. Brian totally lost it and insisted that I had work to do in the stables. He said that he would go, that he was better at it and that I couldn’t do it. He begged her. Finally Jack dragged him screaming towards the barn. 

I guess I was in shock because when I think about that day it’s as if it happened to someone else.

I got out of the shower and Joan gave me clean white underwear and told me to put it on. Hunter was hiding in my room. He put his finger to his lips. Then he whispered to me. “Don’t fight. I never fight. The hurt Brian because he fights them. Let them think you like it. Be polite. Smile. It will be over before you know it. 

Joan took me to the basement. “This one is untouched. Don’t spoil him or it will cost you.” I was so confused. I'm untouched… Fuck. This is it. I just knew I couldn’t cry. It was far worse for Brian. He had bruises, he winches when sitting down. 

They filmed me. 

‘This can’t be happening... it’s not happening,’ 

“Get up on the table and dance. Take off your clothes… slowly... touch your nibbles yeah that's it … such a delicious little boy... he slit his fingers down my chest. “Look at you… such a pretty little thing…Come here my toy. Sit with me”

He pushed my face into his crotch “Open wide… take it all in… suck it… yeah that's good” 

‘Not gonna fight… Hunter said to pretend I like it…’ 

“This one is nice and obedient. We're gonna keep this one clean”

I didn't feel clean at all. I felt disgusting. I took a long shower. Didn't help much.

-     -

When it was over Joan and Brian were gone. I didn’t see him until late that night. He was in bed and had a cast on his arm.

“Are you hurt?” he asked me. I looked at his cast wanting to ask him what had happened but the answer was obvious.

“No… I…  “ I felt ashamed. He was the one lying bruised and broken in bed. I was fine.

“…they didn’t really hurt me… they just made me…. uhhh… ”  I couldn’t go on. I guess I was not fine. 

“Come here” he said and then he held me. He cried and I understood it wasn’t for the pain in his arm.

That night I tattooed a B on my wrist. I used a needle and some ink that Brian had from his grandfather. It really hurt and it might give me an infection. I have no idea who has used the needle before but I don’t care... because everything is changed now. Cynthia suggested I should do all of us. She got a small plain C. Hunter wanted a bow and arrow, honestly, his tattoo was the most detailed one and it took me a long time to make, but he did not show any sign of pain. When I asked Kira if she wanted a tattoo she nodded.

“But I don’t know what… I mean I do know but…” she looked away.

“What is it sweetie?” I asked her. Her huge eyes filled with tears and she silently bit her nails. 

“I know Brian is your uhm...Brian… and you are his sunshine… but can I have that too?  Because I think… you are my heroes...” she spoke the last words so low I could hardly hear her. I asked her if she wanted a sun tattoo on her wrist like the one Brian has.

“I want a sun with a B inside of it”

- - -

Chapter 5 ~ Dr. Daniel H. Wright

“Money is only a tool. It will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver” 

~Ayn Rand~

-   -   -

Daniel’s point of view.  Sleepless night, Strip District, Pittsburgh, PA, Sunday, 3:55 a.m.

Tonight was a hard day to get through. When I was in the Middle East, I saw a lot of horror but it was different, it was somehow at a more emotional distance. Our training made sure we were capable of reacting to different situations and as challenging as some of those were, I somehow didn’t take it in. In this case, I find it more difficult to distance myself, because when it comes to children, it's so much harder to let go.

All right, let me go back a bit. I’m a tough guy, a daredevil if you like, I like fast cars and skydiving and I take ice-baths to relax. I’ve always wanted to do something that mattered. I come from a long line of tough guys. My grandfather was a soldier, fought in WW2 and in Korea; he didn’t make it back from there though. My father refused to join the army, but became a policeman. He is close to retiring now. Our relationship is much better now than it was when I was younger, he is one of those guys who is pretty much married to his job, so he was hardly ever home when I was a kid, and my parents divorce was messy. I actually added my mother's maiden name in a teenage rebellious way to hurt him. I don't think it worked though, but Wright worked well for me so something good came out of it. 

When my father caught me at 16 making out with a guy and I told him I was bisexual, he didn’t take it well. He didn’t kick me out, but he didn’t talk to me much either. Later he told me that as a young man he dreamt that one of his children would be taken from him, and he always suspected it would be me as he had a feeling that I might be gay, and he didn’t know how to protect me for people wanting to harm me. 

We've come a long way since then, but there he was sharing his fears and all I could say was “Don't worry dad, I'm gonna be fine, and I'm bisexual, I'm sexually atracted to women and men.” He really didn’t get it. “Yeah, and that's what I said, that makes you gay.” I gave up trying to explain.

I'm  sure that’s one of the reasons I chose my profession – to show him that I could take care of myself and didn’t need someone to protect “that fag”. I guess my younger brother Charlie, also had a tough guy thing to prove to him, even though he never said anything to me. He was too young when I left. He joined the police force like our father. He was shot on duty only a few months after he started working. My father never really got over that. 

I opted to stay living with him after the devorce when Mom and my two younger siblings moved.  It wasn't ever bad, he was never ever mean to me, even though we weren't close back then. That being said, I couldn’t stand my father’s silent treatment so I only really came home to sleep, spending my after school hours at the gym or studying either at the library until it closed, friends houses or different diners where I was allowed to sit and read. I was on a mission to prove I could make something of myself. I finished high school a year early with 1550 on my SAT’s. I got into pre-med at and finished it in two years both summers included. When I finished pre-med, I moved to Maryland, joined the military and studied medicine. I went to Afghanistan when I was 25 and stayed there for almost two years until I had worked myself into the ground. I was discharged from duty and I promised myself I would never see another war. 

But of course I couldn’t stay away. After spending almost a year on sick leave fucking, drinking, drugging and thinking about ways to end my sorry excuse for a life, I admitted my need for more fulfillment in my life. Like I said it’s in my genes. I joined Doctors without Borders and spent a couple of years in different parts of the Middle East.

Soon I met Barbara, a spoiled swiss girl who was over there pouring out her father’s money in one of her charity programs. I also met Anita again. I’d first met her after coming back from Afghanistan. It’s hard to describe Anita in one sentence. A fantastically sexy dancer who grows the best weed I’ve had in my life? A troubled but interesting girl? The best listener I’ve met?  She’s all of those things and more. Now she had made some changes in her life and she wanted to become a nurse and came overseas to volunteer for 6 months. Now, in case you’re wondering, no, it was not a coincidence, my life is not a paperback love story where the doctor and the sexiest nurse coincidently end up married, with a bunch of cute kids, happily ever after. I was indeed responsible for placing the volunteers and I recognized her name on the application form. Of course I placed her in my unit. And we certainly hooked up and I have to admit that she and I shared something special. She is the coolest person I have met. Again, if you’re wondering, yes I was fucking them both, amongst a few other people. 

That’s when Barbara told me she was pregnant. That certainly came as a surprise since I had known for a pretty long time that it wasn’t my destiny in life to spread my genes. When I volunteered to donate a load of sperm for a cell biology class during Pre-Med I’d found that I had Azoospermia, and further testing revealed a Y-chromosome defect making my swimmers very few and unable to carry out their mission. 

In a momentary insanity I figured I’d pretend I believed her lies. I proposed to her, we got married and I moved with her to Switzerland. It was certainly not a noble thing to do but I figured that two can play this game and the worst thing that could happen would be a handsome divorce settlement. 

It turned out that Barbara was expecting twins, and she wanted to be near her widowed father for the birth. He lived near Lucerne and I got a job as an ER doctor there. Barbara and I didn't agree on many things. She felt that I shouldn't be working as a doctor and that charity work would be more suitable and someone else could do the dirty work. I disagreed, I liked my job, and I have to admit the feeling of getting used to their lifestyle scared me a bit, the designer clothes and beautiful cars were lovely but I needed more, I desperately needed something real, a distraction from all the lies. So my work became that realness and throughout my nearly two years stay in Switzerland I kept the job at the hospital. Barbara and I pretended to love each other and played the perfect couple to her father who seemed happy that his spoiled girl had found herself a doctor to marry. 

I liked the old man, he was definitely old school, and so deep in the closet he was actually in Narnia, but he was a genuinely good person, who had been raised in a homophobic environment. I actually spend more of my free time with him than with Barbara. I liked many of his values in life and after some time he also admitted to me that he liked mine. I encouraged him to contact an old friend. The two geezers went on a “research trip” together and shortly after they came back Barbara and I got invited to an engagement party. So I guess my web of lies did produce one good thing.

When the twins were born I found that my earlier assumptions that I wasn’t interested in fatherhood weren’t entirely true. I actually adored those babies even though they were not my blood. A few months after they were born, I severely cut my hours at the hospital and became a devoted halftime dad. I didn't want the babies to have a nanny too much. Barbara and I were far from a happy couple. We both had other lovers but pretended to her stuck up friends that all was good. 

With time the old man's health got worse and treatments were not helpful. Shortly before he died he asked to speak to me alone. He told me he knew all along that I wasn’t the twins father. Of course the old man had me investigated before the marriage and had gotten hold of my medical records. He asked me to honor his last wish and not tell Barbara that he knew. He told me he felt it was thanks to me that he had found happiness, albeit a short one, with his old friend and it was his wish that when we finally came to our senses and ended our loveless marriage I would find someone who really loved me to fill my life. I tried to assure him I was happy but he wouldn't have it. 

“I've had such good fortune in my life, financial success, a beautiful daughter to spoil. I've enjoyed fantastic art, visited amazing places all over the world, but until I found Ludwig again, thanks to you, I constantly desired something more, I was never fully content, I was lonely in my glorious lifestyle. And you might have fun my boy, but will be hurt if you don't leave. I know my daughter. She will kick you out sooner or later. You need to leave before the twins get much older. They will miss you too much if you become a part of their memories” 

Then he winked at me. “You don't need to worry about money. I changed my will to include Ludwig, but there’s plenty left in there for Barbara and you. The will is now contingent on annulling the time clause in the prenuptials I had you sign. You’ll get half even if you leave today.”

Trying to convince him I was well paid at work and it wasn’t about the money was useless, he wouldn’t listen. His exact words were: “Mein Schatz, it is such a dull life to have just one yacht.”

He fell asleep that night and died peacefully.

His words did come true, it was Barbara who pulled the plug on our marriage. She announced she was sleeping with a multimillionaire from Monaco and that she had decided to end our marriage but for the sake of the children she wanted to do it in a classy way. Those were her words and what she meant by that was “just do as I say”. I honored my promise to her father and kept my mouth shut. The lawyers are still figuring out the details of the money. She knows I won’t go cheap, and she can certainly afford it. Even if she gives me millions and a villa on both continents she’ll still be loaded. She was the sole heiress of one of the richest men in Europe and will soon be married to another one. 

I came back four months ago and moved back home to Pittsburgh where I got a position as an ER physician at Shadyside. I got a small loft right off Liberty avenue, great location, private parking. Short driving distance to work too. I miss the twins and even though Barbara has said they’ll visit me when they’re older I don’t see that happen. They are too little to really remember and it wouldn’t be right. Hopefully I will have other children somehow one day.

I’ve been wanting to spend some more time with my father. We both need and want to work on our relationship, better late than never. But we are both ridiculously busy at work, I’m still the new guy so I take all the unpopular shifts and he... well… I guess that’s where I have my workaholic gene from. He’s been very frustrated, they’re in the middle of a difficult case that seems to be going nowhere. In the last year, five teenagers have been found dead but they haven’t been able to identify any of them. They’ve all been sexually abused. Semen samples don’t match, they’ve been found in different areas,  but they are sure there is a connection. Recently they had a breakthrough when the FBI contacted them about a large international child porn ring being brought down. One of the victims was on those sites. And more material with others had been filmed in the same location. 

“This is making you sick dad” I tell him. I’m worried about him, he’s been taking blood pressure medicine since I can remember. Now he’s putting on weight and is definitely not sleeping well. Who could when dealing with that kind of shit anyway. I tell him to come by the hospital and get a check up. 

We’re having one of our food and chat dates. Something we've been trying to make happen at least once a week since I came back, if we're both off work at the same time we give each other priority and sit down somewhere and grab a meal. I desperately want to talk about something else so I ask him when I’ll get to meet his new girlfriend. He’d told me that he’s been seeing someone for nearly 4 months now. He met her on the job. 

“Are you sure she’s straight? I thought all the women on the force were lesbians” I can’t help teasing him since we never really talked about our old problems. He gets my joke and smiles at me, “I’ve always liked your sense of sarcasm, but we do have straight women at work, and she neither lesbian nor staff by the way. I met her… because of working on this damn case. She found one of the bodies… uh… in a dumpster behind her workplace.” So much for trying to change the subject.  My dad is a little pink in the face, and I think he’s in love, it’s so cute. “We got off on the wrong foot… I was a fool… couldn’t control my big mouth... but we worked it out, I can’t wait for you to meet her. She’s a special lady, you’ll like her.” Whatever he means by that. He also tells me that he would like to retire soon but he’s having a hard time tearing himself away. 

The phone rings and he picks up in a hurry.

“Horvath“  My father’s face turns serious as he listens to the voice on the other end. “God help us... what?… Where is she? …I’ll be right there”

He quickly gets up and ends the phone call. “Come on, they found another one, this one is alive.”

-   - - 

Chapter 6 ~ Too Little And Too Late

“Every heart breaks the same” 

~Louis Tomlinson~ 

-   -   -

Brian’s point of view, Saturday afternoon

It takes us a bit longer to tend to the animals now because my arm is still a mess. It’s been days since I took the cast off but I have such little strength in it. The robot won’t work so we have to use the crappy old milking machines, and the cows hate them and constantly try to kick them off. Because of all this I don’t come back to the house until well after midday. When I enter his room I find Justin crying in his bed, his back is turned to the door. I hurry over to him as dirty as I am and put my hand on his shoulder.

“Sunshine… come here… do you need more painkillers?”  He sits up and crawls into my arms. I hold him while he calms down. I think he still has a fever.

“No… It’s not that...” he looks at me; his beautiful blue eyes loaded with despair. 

“Cynthia says Kira didn’t come back. She went shopping with Joan this morning… I think… I’m afraid for her.“

I thought back to Jason and Aunt Janet. We all wondered if Jack and Joan had told us the truth. And now maybe Kira is missing too. It’s very likely that she had been taken to some place, maybe… oh fuck. Justin is right. A few days ago I heard Jack talk about how they needed to make chances with the special delivery for Stockwell. I suddenly remembered something Janet said after she started going to that school thing or whatever it was. “I don’t want to be special”.

I don’t think Stockwell is a place. Maybe that's the client's name. Could there be special clients? Guys who don't come to the farm?  And because Justin is sick… maybe then Kira got sent instead of him… 

I don't want to upset him with my fears so I just fake calmness and kept stroking his head. “Perhaps she has gone to a better place” I tell him quietly. He gives me a no nonsense look. 

“Brian, I know that you know it’s not ok. I don't want to stay here after I'm better, I think I'm next. I need you to get me out of here. I’m well enough to walk if you help me. If I can sleep some more I want us to go tonight. Can you do that?”

Before I can promise him anything I notice he’s about to fall back to sleep. He’s definitely not well enough to go anywhere. But Hunter and I can carry him. It’s time to make some plans with the others. We all need to go. But I'm so tired, I'll just close my eyes for a minute and then go talk to the others… just a few seconds… 

It’s late afternoon the next time my eyes open, I realize I must have fallen asleep next to Justin in my filthy clothes. I get up and wash and put on fresh clothes. After I talk to the others I go back to Justin to see how he’s feeling and tell him our plans. I wake him up and give him a dry set of clothes to wear because his are drenched with sweat. Maybe his fever is finally coming down now for real. While he removes his wet underwear not at all shy in front of me, I tell him I talked to the others and that we all agreed that since Kira didn’t come back we need to leave. We are all ready to leave as soon as it gets dark and we’re gonna carry him if he can’t walk. 

But we never got that far. 

-------

 “Well well well, will you look at that. What are you two little fagots doing…hmm?” 

Somehow Jack has come upstairs without us noticing. Shit here comes trouble.

My body stiffens as I fly up from the bed ready to fight him but he is quicker than me. Grabbing me he pushes me up against the wall so that my head hits a bookshelf or something, Ouch… that hurt. I can hear Justin screaming my name then everything goes dark. When I come to Justin is sitting on the floor next to me and Cynthia is dragging an unconscious Jack out of the room. “Stay still, your head is bleeding.

“Shit, Justin, get back to bed” I reach for the bump on the back of my head, “It’s just a scratch, I’m fine, get back into bed.” I was lying to him. It hurts a lot and will probably take a while to heal. “What the fuck happened?” 

“Cynthia hit him over the head with the chair.” 

Cynthia comes back into the room. “I’ll stay with him Brian. You should go and hide before your father wakes up”

“Shit Cynthia he’s going to kill you!”

“I wish...”  that’s all she says. I exchanged a look with her and started to leave the room. 

As I get out of the room I meet Joan. Her facial expression is passive as usual. I’m sure she heard Jack and me fight. She steps over my father as if he’s not even there and does a good job of pretending not to notice my bleeding head. She’s holding a glass of water in her hand. She directs her words to Justin as she hands him some pills and a glass of water. 

“Your mother called, she’s on her way to pick you up, take these and get ready.”  She then leaves the room and we hear her rouse Jack “Get up, pull yourself together, we have fancy company later, be ready”

Justin and I just stare at each other. This was the last thing we unexpected. But this is good, isn’t it?  His eyes told me he’s unsure. “Why would she want me all of a sudden… How can I know she isn’t with them?”

“Don’t you think she would have been here earlier if she was one of them? Why would she store you here for such a long time if she wanted to feed you to them anyway” He reluctantly agrees. 

I tell him that all that matters is that he is getting out. That everything is gonna be ok. 

“But I need you to get out too,” he says, tears in his eyes. 

I just stay silent… I'm scared as bloody fuck … but... if she comes and sees him, then for sure she'll take him to see a doctor, and that's the most important thing right now. This is about him and not me.

But that would also mean I'm  about to lose him. And maybe not see him again… and I really do not know how to process that.

Chapter 7 ~ Broken

“A diamond is a chunk of coal that did well under pressure” 

~Henry Kissinger~

Hunter’s point of view

So, the others have joined me in the cow house and told me that Justin’s mother is on the way. That’s such a monumental surprise and a weird feeling. I'm not sure how to react because if I was told my mother was on the way I would run in the opposite direction as fast as I could, bears and coyotes be damned. 

Justin is clearly very torn about it all. He’s a bit suspicious about her motives but I think his anxiety is mostly because he doesn’t want to leave Brian behind. 

So I can definitely understand how Justin is unsure about this whole thing. He knows just as little as the rest of us.  I agree that there is a valid reason to feel suspicious. Apparently she lives in one of the fanciest parts of Connecticut, and Justin’s grandparents are loaded. It just doesn’t make sense. Why would she send him here in the first place, wouldn’t have been much better to bring him to Connecticut, and if she didn’t want him around, there are fancy boarding schools, right?  Isn’t that what rich people do?

“I don’t know if dad ever told mom I was coming here, I think they only talked through their lawyers after the devorce. Maybe she just found out now that I’m here”.  Justin tells the rest of us. Ok, that would explain why she’s coming now, two months in. And the fact that she announces her arrival and Joan makes Justin pack suggests they are hiding the reality from her, that in itself suggests she’s not working with them. 

Jason and Kiara didn’t pack. I fondle the switchblade in my pocket, it used to belong to Jason.  It’s a Microtech Ultratech OTF, sharp enough for shaving. He stole from a client once and I think it’s worth a bunch. He loved that knife so much, didn’t even sell it for food back when we were cold and starving on the streets of Pittsburgh. If he knew he was going away he would have packed it. So let’s just say I don’t think he’s in Florida. 

Back to now, I need to focus… if Justin’s mom knew this was a literal teenage version of a brothel, would she be coming? Wouldn’t she rather have sent the police? 

So there’s no reason to worry she’s up for something bad. But we all know that she’ll take him away when she sees him. She’s not gonna leave him here when she sees what he looks like. The poor boy has been wasting away recently and if he loses much more weight it can be really bad for him. I’ve seen it before when I used to live on the streets. 

Maybe I’m a tiny bit  jealous, don’t get me wrong, I know this is not about me. This right now is about Justin. I’m glad if he gets to leave. He’s sick, he really should see a doctor, and more importantly he should not be here, he is a different breed than us. But, breed and money aside, none of us should be here and it would be so nice if we could all be picked up by someone who doesn’t want to hurt us. I used to dream about someone nice whisking me away putting me in school helping me out of this mess but maybe I just did something awful in a previous life and I’m being punished. I’m allowed to hope though, right?

“She should take all of us, we should just tell her that we’re in dire need of a ride out of here.” I suggest. 

“Yeah, and get us all and her killed.” Brian more so states than asks, and he’s probably right. He’s staring intensely at Justin and I give Cynthia a sign that we should bugger off and give them some space. We both give Justin a long hug and tell him we love him, and that we’ll come to Stamford and find him. Cynthia cries a little bit but me… not so much. I haven’t cried for years. Then we leave the two of them. They need some alone time for their goodbyes.

Like I said. This is not my mother who is coming, that won’t happen, she’s in jail for trying to kill my father. Living with my mother was just as bad as living here, maybe worse because I was young and didn’t know how to protect myself. She was heavy on the needle and dad used to beat her a lot. I was lucky I got to live with my grandfather whenever she got into rehab but she always relapsed. Grandfather was not that old and we did a lot of fun things together. He loved hunting and took me along for that. But he was a bit strange sometimes, he’d forget where he put his things, wasn’t sure where he was going. And then one day when I came to visit he didn’t recognize me. Turned out he had Alzheimer's. So he moved to a home and I was stuck living with mum. Her dealer started showing interest in me and she was all for it. He got to suck me off and she got her fix. I left. I was 13 years old and living on the streets of Pittsburgh selling my body for food until I ended up in the hospital after getting beat up and then social services got me a place in foster care. 

That didn’t work out so well, I was at different places, with equally messed up kids who I didn’t get along with and always ran away and ended on the streets again until some dogooder at social services figured I should come live here. It was great in the beginning,  Brian and Cynthia were great. It was hard to witness how tough Jack was on Brian but I actually thought it would work out and I dared to hope that I had found my little dysfunctional family. I couldn’t have been more wrong. When Cynthia told Brian and me about Jack… I… I don’t know. Sweet Cynthia. I hated she was having to endure that but I also felt so guilty for having thought that her need to always be with us had to do with her interest in Brian or some form of lack of self esteem. Well now there was a reason. 

Why haven’t I run away from here? I did it before from other places. I don’t know. I had a pretty good year here in the beginning. I have friends, a roof over my head. I’m never cold. I’m not on the streets. There is always some kind of food. So what if I have to give a few blowjobs here and there and bent over a few times a week. But the past couple of weeks have been bad. Really ever since Justin came here. I like Justin. I really respect Brian, and I think I might be in love with Cynthia. 

Brian suggested running away before and I told him living on the streets was nothing to joke about. That living here had its perks. But that was before, and now my friends are suffering. So I agreed we would run away tonight. Summer is coming, it’s not gonna be cold sleeping outside. And who knows, maybe we can get out of state and find a place somewhere far away where none of our “guests” will be able to get to us. California would be great. And maybe not. Maybe they’ll find us before we even get to Pittsburgh and kill us all. But it’s worth a shot. None of us have a glorious future here anyway...

-   -   -

Chapter 8 - Lost in a web of lies
“When truth is replaced by silence, the silence is a lie.” 

Chapter 8 ~ Lost In A Web Of Lies

"When truth is replaced with silence, the silence is a lie"

~Yevgeny Yevtushenko~

-   -   -

Jennifer’s point of view, Pittsburgh Airport Marriott Hotel, Saturday night.

Justin has gone to his room to take a bath now. I’m worried about him. There is something seriously wrong. When I picked him up this afternoon I was shocked. He is so pale and thin. He said he’s vegan, but I can't accept that if he loses weight. I need to take him to see a nutritionist. He is so skinny, perhaps it's anorexia. I’ve read all those articles that it also happens to boys. I'm so mad at his father I need to call my lawyer.

The last couple of years have been very hard. I thought I really wanted another baby and went through three rounds of IVF to become pregnant. The hormones were nasty and then the pregnancy with Molly was hard on me, both physically and mentally, and it took me quite a while to find my balance again. She was a fussy baby and Craig stayed away most of the time, sometimes sleeping at the office telling me that he needed to be well rested to run his business. 

I guess my mind was clouded with all those hormones so I guess I was quite clueless for some time, but gradually I realized he was cheating on me with his secretary Linda, a woman nearer to Justin in age than his, such a cliché. I demanded that he’d fire her, so he did. We did some couples therapy but things had changed irrevocably. Those few times we actually did spend time together we fought most of the time. Then last year when I found out that he was still seeing her, I demanded a divorce. It would have been wrong to stay in that marriage but at the same time I have to say that it has been much harder than I thought it would be. 

Leaving Pittsburgh was possibly not the best idea, but I had simply hit rock bottom. I’ve always been such a people pleaser, trying so very hard not to rock any boats and present myself as the one who’s got things together. Friends were asking me if I would be keeping the house, and I certainly thought about it but I was worried that with this house marked I wouldn’t be able to get a good price for it and that I’d never be able to keep it anyway. I'd been so successful at putting up pretenses that our friends had no idea that Craig’s business hasn't been going as well as before for a couple of years, and our financial situation has been pretty bad lately. The house is really too big anyway and since I needed more than a part time job now, it would simply be too much work to maintain everything. 

The idea of getting an apartment somewhere close made more sense because I didn't want Justin to change schools in the middle of the school year. St. James is such a good school. I looked at different apartments but everything in our neighborhood was so expensive. My parents offered to help but I found it difficult to accept. Everything came crashing down. I was constantly physically exhausted, anxious, my social life was non-existing, I hardly have friends of my own that I'm in touch with and definitely didn't feel good going to the places Craig and I had frequented, such as our country club so I also fell out of touch with our mutual friends. I was depressed. I ticked all the boxes. Finally my parents demanded I would come and stay with them for awhile and find my feet again. I’d then taken Molly to Connecticut, but Justin had school so he asked to stay with his father. 

At first I was only planning to stay for a few weeks but then I was offered a decent job close to where my parents live and they really want me around. My mother even offered to look after Molly while I’d be getting settled at work and it just felt right. The guest apartment in their house is big enough for me and both the kids and it feels right. I thought about next year when Justin goes to high school, that I would try to get him to come live with me. I mentioned it to him when we came to visit during the holidays but he wasn't very impressed, told me that all of his friends were staying at St. James for their highschool program and that moving away was maybe not what he wanted. I didn't want to press it, I thought I had plenty of time to talk with him about it later.

Justin stopped taking my calls about two months ago. My therapist assured me that it was normal for a teenager in this situation to go through some phases of not wanting to talk to their mom and to give him time, but after a month or so I thought enough was enough. I tried to call him a few times but the call went straight to voicemail. I emailed him but he never wrote back. He did not seem to be using his facebook or instagram  either. Well at least he wasn’t posting anything that his mother was allowed to see anyway. 

Craig wasn’t taking my phone calls either. I was getting worried about Justin so in the end I called Craig’s work and was told he was still in Sydney... as in Australia? Really?
I was told he was there for the winter working with the Australian branch of the company. What Australian branch? And they told me Craig’s electronics had been merged with… I don't remember what she called it… and they were opening up a new store in Sydney.

I was very angry that he had taken Justin to the other side of the world without asking me so I found myself a lawyer to try to get the custody agreement reversed. A couple of weeks later I ran into a co-worker of Craig’s from Pittsburgh. And now I got a major shock. She told me she and her husband  had spent a lovely couple of weeks in Australia with Craig. She asked me how Justin liked living in Connecticut. 

WHAT?!

I have no idea how I managed to keep a straight face. It had to be some kind of a misunderstanding. How could that be?  When I finally got a hold of Craig he told me that since he had custody it was none of my business how he conducted their private matters. 

It hadn’t been practical for him to take him with them to Australia and they had found an agency specializing in farm stay experience for young people and that it was good to let Justin get some new experiences. 

“How could you send our child to live on a farm somewhere without letting me check it out first, let alone telling me about it so I could take care of things while you're away!” I was livid. "When did you speak to him last?"

He spoke calmly, telling me that there was no reason to worry, he trusted the agency to be managing everything and they would call him if there was a problem. That I should trust them too. 

“So you're not even in direct contact with him? How do you even know if he’s alright?” I yelled into the phone,  I demanded that he’d tell me where he was staying so that I could go and check on his wellbeing and he just told me not to get so hysterical and that all that smothering would turn the boy into a goddamned fag. Then he asked me to quit calling in the middle of the night and hung up on me. I had been way too angry to consider the time difference.

I couldn’t believe it. I called my lawyer straight away and he told me Craig was right. Because he had custody of our son he was free to make decisions on his behalf including moving him to a different school and provide temporary living arrangements for Justin while Craig was abroad. He advised me to go to Pittsburgh anyway,  find Justin at his school and talk to him there. That was my full right.

So I called the school but they informed me that Justin was now going to a school just out of town. When I called that school they knew nothing about him. I called the other schools in the area, and when I couldn’t find him I started to get really worried. No, that’s an understatement, I was actually hysterical this time. Craig wouldn’t pick up the phone and in the end I emailed him threatening to take my story to the media and do everything in power to damage his reputation.

He wrote back one line: Jack Kinney, address and a telephone number. Noone picked up when I called. 

I refused to listen to those who told me maybe I was overreacting a little bit but thankfully my mother was on my side. She took Molly and I quickly packed a bag and drove straight to the airport. This spontaneity was so unlike me but thankfully I got a flight. While I waited for the flight I gathered my thoughts a bit. It occurred to me that I didn’t have a place to stay and couldn't very well descend on friends without a proper warning. I needed to find a hotel room. Thankfully one of my friends, Justyna, works in a hotel and she was able to find me a room. Unlike me she was thinking straight and she asked for my flight number so that she could book a pickup from the airport. I told her in very short terms why I was coming to Pittsburgh and she told me to try to relax, come straight to the hotel and she would find me a rental car and take care of everything I needed. 

I kept trying the number and had no luck until I was already in Pittsburgh when finally a woman answered. She wasn’t very welcoming, wouldn’t let me speak to Justin said that was not how they worked. I guess I was pretty rude to her. I told her I would be coming there with the police if she didn’t let me speak to Justin that very minute. She told me there was no need to overreact, that Justin was out playing and that he would be home in about one hour. I told her I would come to visit that afternoon. Thank God I went and got him. 

He’s with me in the hotel now and he really worries me. My sweet boy who used to be so cocky and forward seems withdrawn as if he’s somewhat disappeared into himself, he was all stiff when I tried to hug him and doesn't really want to look me in the eyes or talk either. My son needs help and I’m going to get him that help. To hell with custody rules, I simply don’t care at this point. We’re going to Connecticut tomorrow.

------

Justin's point of view

“Justin! Sweetheart…. ”

My mother steps out of the car and gives me a hug. I feel right away how shocked she is because she lets go of me immediately. I’m trying my best to keep it together. It’s so strange to see her again, I last saw her for Christmas. She looked great then, now she looks as if she hasn’t slept for days. I’m confused. Did she really not know? Why else did she come now all of a sudden and not earlier. It’s so unlike her, she likes to plan everything and be in control all the time. During the first weeks I half expected her to come and check things out. But she never came and I actually wondered if maybe Jack was right she knew and actually didn’t care.

“What’s wrong baby...You’re so thin!” 

How do I get out of this? She really really can not know anything at this point, it’s just plain dangerous. I saw Jack clean the rifle earlier. That’s what Joan was referring to. He’s ready to kill all of us if he feels he has to. 

“I'm vegan now, eating animals is cruel. They’re my friends.” I’m living on a farm. She’ll buy that right?

“Well, there are other options, there’s plenty of healthy vegan choices. Did you not make sure he had had those options Mrs. Kinney?! He’s a growing boy for Christ’s sake!”

Good she believes me. And it made her angry. I don’t think she knows anything, that means she’s not one of them. But I can’t say anything more. She’ll make a scene and that puts her in danger. Think. What would Brian do? Stay calm... stay cool...

“I will not allow you to stay here if it makes you look sick!”   Weirdly, I suddenly remember being taught in school that cheetahs are the most protective mothers. She is fuming, full on protective cheetah mode.

“Justin we’re leaving. You’re coming with me! Come, let me help you pack.”

Joan had already made sure I packed, there was no way she was letting an outsider into the house. It's not that I had much, most of the clothes I bought with me are not worth keeping anymore, and the computer and phone have probably been sold weeks ago. So yeah, I had packed all the things I wanted to take. Besides, 'materialistic things' are not what I want to take away from here. I grab the bag from where I had left it by the front door before I went to say my goodbyes to my friends and toss it on the back seat. 

In the car she tells me she’s taking me to Connecticut and that I’m gonna eat some quality food. She then goes on about something else. I zone her out and stare out of the window thinking about Brian. Oh God... I think back to our goodbye...

“Will you be alright Justin?”

“No! … Will you leave here and come find me ? You remember my handle, right?” He had teased me about that when I first told him.

“@jtlovesdc...”  he replies with a hint of a smile but it doesn’t sound convincing.

“Do you promise?”

“I… I’ll…” he stared at me and a single tear escaped, like he knew he couldn’t promise me anything and so he didn’t. I understood.

“I’m gonna miss you… I… I love you” I said. He grabbed me, really kind of desperately hard almost as if… as if he knew he would never see me again. We hugged… he kissed me just below my ear…  I wish he kissed me on the mouth. I wanted it so bad for weeks now but he never did. He always said he didn’t want my memory of my first kiss to be bad. How could it have been bad though, it was HIM, it would always have been good.  

Suddenly someone is shaking me out of my thoughts. 

It's mom of course, who else. It took a bit of effort to snap out of it. We're stopped at a red light. 

“Justin… Justin! Honey, are you alright?” She asks in a worried voice. She places her hand on my forehead and asks me if I had a fever. I pull away in a hurry, which of course upsets her even more. 

“No, I’m fine, I’m fine! I’m just excited to see Molly” I try a lie. I’m not sure if she’s buying it… But at least she doesn’t ask any more questions. 

I get lost in my thoughts again. ‘...Should I tell her? What will happen then? Would she be able to do anything about it anyway? Would she even believe me? And then what? If she’d tell the police and they started sniffing around… No. Some of the guys who come for us are police… They'll just move the kids somewhere else and then I’ll never be able to find Brian again.’ 

I’m not paying attention to where we’re driving but after some time we’re at the hotel. It’s huge and I feel like I’ve been here before but I’m not sure. I try not to moan as I stretch my painful muscles. I’m a little dizzy, my throat hurts. When we come inside I realize where we are. I have been here before. I recognise a few people working in the lobby. One of my mother's oldest friends Justyna has been a manager here for years, that's why I've been here before. They have been friends since before I was born and apparently they decided to name their oldest kids after each other. I can see by the way Justyna looks at me and the worried looks she and Mom share that they think I’ve been dieting on purpose. I have not, I just haven't been hungry lately.  

And oh shit… Daphne's older brother Damien. He’s in hotel school and mom introduced him to Justyna when he was looking for an internship. He tells us he’s in charge of the lobby for the night and if we need anything to ask for him personally.

He then asks me if I would like to meet Daph tomorrow, says she’d love to see me. 

I can see he’s trying to sound all positive about it as if he’s afraid to spook me. As if Daph just casually wants to hang out. There is no way my best friend didn’t notice I stopped replying to her messages for two whole months.  

“Yeah, sorry about that, I was gonna write but there was no internet...” Shit… bad excuse. It only makes them look more worried. I might as well overplay it. 

“And I was gonna call but the dog ate all the phones and…” ok this works, they’re laughing. 

“Please tell her I’m so sorry. I was busy getting to know the other kids and the new school… I feel very bad for neglecting her,” at least my embarrassed look is not fake. 

Damien is great about it and offers to bring her here tomorrow before we leave if that’s ok. My mom says that’s a wonderful idea but I’m not sure. I don't want to see Daph, all I want is to get away from here and go find Brian. When I hesitate I notice them exchanging worried looks so I smile politely and pretend that I would love to meet Daphne. I need them to think I have everything together and there’s no reason to worry. 

That’s probably not working because my mother tells him we won’t be dining in the restaurant but would rather use room service. He promises to take care of our order and asked me what I’m in the mood for. Food is the last thing on my mind and I remember I need to appear consistent so I ask what they make vegan. My mother still looks worried. 

“Ofcourse, There is a wonderful vegan menu. I’m vegan myself so I should know,” Damien quickly replies, “Do you like pizza?” 

Ah, he’s testing me to see if I’m shy of calories and will ask for a small salad. When I say yes, he continues, “there’s this amazing spinach artichoke one with olives and vegan ricotta cheese, and plenty of garlic oil, it’s simply to die for” 

I can play along “Sounds great, do you think they can add cashews onto it?” My Mom smiles. She’s really too easy. “And a large Fanta please, the real sugar one.”  I should get an Oscar. 

Everyone else pretty much treats us like royalty, maybe because Justyna is still there. She says normally doesn’t work this late and that she’ll need to be going home soon but hopes we can all have brunch together tomorrow. I don't know how I’m able to keep pretending I’m happy about it all. I even manage a polite conversation  “Maybe you could bring Jenny, I’d love to meet her, I’m sure Daph would like that too, we missed her when you guys moved. I heard she was doing great now”. That worked. Jenny had a treatment for anorexia and me pretending to care seemed to make both Justyna and Mom happy. They decide on a time to meet and then Justyna wished us a good night and a good stay and is happily on her way.

I’m not the least bit hungry, but I know that if I tell mom that she’ll call a doctor immediately and if they find out anything they'll send the police straight to the farm and I just know Jack would kill every single one of the kids if he heard sirens. I’m so worried for them… 

I eat my pizza pretending to like it. My stomach is in no shape to deal with food now, let alone a whole pizza. It makes me feel pretty horrible so I tell my mom that I would like to take a bath. I want to be alone. For some small miracle our suite is a double, I have my own room, I thank all kinds of higher powers for that because there is no way in hell I can keep up this act a second longer. So I go to my bathroom and turn on the faucet in the bathtub so she won’t hear me throwing up. I’m burning up, she was right about that when she asked me in the car. I guess the drugs Joan made me take have worn off. I take a cold shower to cool myself down. Then I go out to see her and tell her I have a slight headache and ask her if she has any Advil. She’s on the phone, with her lawyer she tells me, but reaches for her purse and gives me two Advil and kisses me good night. 

I’m not gonna sleep though. I want to sneak out when she’s gone to bed. I have to get back to Brian somehow. It really is the only thing I can think of. 

Chapter 9 ~ Is this the End? 

“Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end” 

~John Lennon~

-   -   -

What follows are different points of view from the same window of time. Sunday before dawn.

Brian’s point of view

He's gone. It’s over, he’s safe. I can finally relax. Hunter and Cynthia just gave up and left to go inside. They've been trying to talk me down from this tree all night but I'm done. I just need this to end. My eyes half closed, not really aware of my surroundings. I'm so fucking stoned, I took a mixture of whatever pills I could find. I went to my usual hiding spot behind the barn, I think I’m still there… not sure. The world looks like it's bent out of shape...beautiful sounds... it's dark but I see colors, deep purple, red and blue colors... It's like a giant stew, and it's turning slowly around me. It's stopped raining now. But everything is wet and nice. Ther air is fresh. I feel the air fill me. I turn my head. A flower next to me has a droplet of water running off of it’s petal. It looks like it’s crying. Maybe it’s crying for me. “Don’t cry littl' flower, everything is ok now. Everything's fine...” 

Maybe I'm dreaming. No, I'm not I can feel my fingers when I pinch myself. I think I'm perhaps lying down now... not sure what is up any more... He said he loved me and I just stood there and said nothing. NOTHING. I’m so fucking useless. I couldn’t even tell HIM. He was the fucking reason I’ve been going on. The only reason I’ve been getting up in the morning… eating… breathing. The sounds are somehow mocking me now. Even the birds are calling my name. "ry.... brr… n... bri... bri... Brian!.... BRIAN!! FUCK!!!!

And that's when I realize those weren’t birds but Cynthia trying to warn me.

"Get up off your lazy ass you goddamn useless fag! Get to work!!"  Jack is looming over me and pulling me up. I can't stand so I fall right back down. He starts drags me away. My face is in the mud. I don't care. Because he's gone. It's going to be ok. 

Someone is helping  him now. They pull me up and I'm leaning against a wall again. A slap in my face... and then I recognize him. He's a regular. First came here shortly after Justin arrived with three others. And many times after that. I stare at him blankly and he slaps my face again. Hello Saperstein. 

I spit in his face, because… fuck him. And then I'm on the ground again and he's kicking me. The pain seems far away, but it's coming closer... Shit! That one hurt, I can’t breathe… I'm not gonna scream, because I know he likes that. 

"He's yours, gentlemen" 

Gentlemen? As in more than one? Two guys pull me up and now I see. Oh yay. Dr. Mark is here too. Perfect. Maybe they'll kill me this time. They push me inside and I trip and roll down the stairs.... I hit my head and see stars. I black out for a moment. The next thing I know I'm face down on the bed and one of them is raping me. I'm half unconscious still, kind of hoping I can just sail through this. Trying to distance myself from my body is useless, he’s deliberately trying to be rough and his disgusting fingers are pressing painfully into my hips but finally he cums moaning and swearing . 

"My turn" It's the Sap. "Wake up twink, you’re no fun if you’re asleep!" Oh God, he's such a sadist. He pulls me up and tries to fuck my mouth. He stinks so bad I gag and nearly throw up. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea to scratch his balls. He throws me on the floor and leaves the room. Dr. Mark is on the couch laughing hysterically, he must think this is very funny.  The Sap reappears with a toolbox in hand 

“You need to be tought a lesson you stupid little whore.” Mark gets up and I’m too slow to get away. They corner me, I try to fight them, but they’re just so much stronger than me. While Mark sits on my back his knee holding my head to the floor Gary destroys my fingers one by one. I didn’t think I could feel this much pain, it takes my breath away at first, then I just scream until finally after what feels forever darkness saves me. 

Justin’s point of view

Through my hammering heartbeat and cough that won't go away, I hear different sounds in the forest. No, this is not a nightmare, I've just gone crazy maybe. I'm half running along the driveway towards the farm. It’s slowly getting bright. I stop to catch my breath.

Although I tried everything to keep myself awake, I must have passed out because when I woke up it was after 3 am. The bed was so nice, so clean, everything in there was amazing but I had to go. I got up and quietly slipped out of my room. Mom was in her own room. I took all the money from her purse. It wasn’t much but I figured it would be enough for a cab. I then used her iPad to look up the address of Jack Kinney. Getting out of the hotel unseen was easier than I had thought. The lobby was much busier at night than I had thought it would be. There were a bunch of people with suitcases in the lobby and there was a line for check out. All staff members including Damien were busy. A woman was asking the doorman where the pick-up for American Airlines was. I had put my hoodie on just in case but I don't think they noticed as I slipped right past them. 

It wasn’t easy finding a ride.  The first cab driver refused to drive an unaccompanied minor and told me to go back to the hotel. The second one asked me if I was a hustler and threatened to call the police. Am I a hustler now? I really don't know, but I'm sure I look the part. Mom, Justyna and Damien all noticed something was wrong. I walked a bit away from the hotel and tried another without result, he didn't want to drive outside the city. I finally managed to find a cab driver who didn't ask any questions, but the drive was a lot longer than I had anticipated. I told him how much money I had and asked him if there was any other way I could pay him. Then we stopped in the middle of nowhere in the dark and I gave him a hand job. Yeah… I wasn’t thinking very clearly. He was kind enough to not kill me I guess, he even thanked me, gave me a tissue and told me to be careful. “That's no nice place over there,” he said when we arrived at the driveway and refused to drive all the way up the road, so I had to walk about half a mile. What am I getting myself into? I know first hand that it's a really really bad place and if I had any sence at all I should be running in the other direction scared as fuck. But I don’t care. I don't feel afraid. I have to find Brian. 

-------- -----------

Cynthia’s point of view

I grew up alone with my mother, that is I don't remember much of when she was married to my father. She left him when I was 6. We lived in so many different places we were constantly moving. There were different guys, new boyfriends and none of them good for her, some of them hit her. So maybe I've inherited from her my inability to read boys. We moved for the last time when I was 12 and this time she took me to her parents. It was strange, I hadn't seen them for years and they weren't very welcoming to us. I was supposed to be in bed but I sneaked out of the room and sat on the top of the stairs listening to them argue. I remember overhearing them tell my mother that leaving my father was a bad idea and she should have known that she would never be able to take care of me alone. That I was too skinny and she was obviously not capable of providing and that she needed to get help get her act together stop stealing and get clean. I was so confused, what did they mean? I thought it was ok, I got new clothes all the time and we ate ok, I just don't get fat and that's good right? Get clean how? My mum wasn't dirty, Stealing? What? 

The next day my mom took me to some office and left me. She said she was sorry and that she had to go and that she would come get me soon. Then she left. I don't know where my mother is now or if she's even alive. 

I was 2 years in different foster homes before I came to live with Brian and his family. It was ok for the most part, if I behaved and did my school work, I never got into any serious problems, but it was always temporary. Apparently they were always trying to find a long term solution for me. And this is it. Jack’s farm. I don't understand it. While I was in temporary care and at first when I came here there was always someone who visited once a month but they don't anymore, and this is by far the worst place I've been living. Joan takes the same pills for her pain as mom did, but my mom was never angry with me. She was always so kind.

It was kind of ok here in the beginning. I had small problems back then. I was confused because I had a major crush on Brian and tried to catch his attention… maybe a little bit too much. Nothing worked. I was so used to boys at school hitting on me all the time, and finally when I found someone I was actually interested in, he was not liking me back. I was used to not always getting what I want but it still hurt... I had all those thoughts... 

'Is there something wrong with me? Are my breasts too small? I'm not smart like him… I'm just a foster kid who can't finish my homework… maybe it’s because he’s scared of his dad and doesn't want to be with such a trashy girl like me…' 

I mean Jack is creepy I never liked him and he's always so awful to Brian so that would have made sense if Brian was avoiding me because of Jack. Anyway if Jack would know there was something going on he would probably hurt him bad. Maybe he's just exhausted because I know that I am sometimes and we were constantly busy working. On the other hand we were also 14, and some of the guys in our class were total children. But he was NOT a child, he looked older than the rest of us, he was the tallest one in class, moving around like some kind of a cat. He could have been a dancer I think or a model... I mean all the hot guys in advertisements could just pack up their stuff and go home. 

We were really busy at home. There was a lot of work to be done every single day, but we still managed to have so much fun. Me, silly Janet, the boys. The four of us got along great, messing around in school, looking after each other, avoiding the bullies, hiding from the grown ups at home, coming up with our secret language. Hunter and Brian had this smart-competition going on, but it was just friendly and funny, never about winning. They were so much smarter than me. When we stopped going to school sometimes we watched TV at night, and Brian came up with all those funny ideas for how the advertisements should be different. I imagined him becoming hugely successful one day. And I wanted to be his assistant. 

One day I was complaining to Hunter about how I didn’t understand why Brian didn’t want me and he was silent for a while but then he said  “Dude, maybe he’s not into girls…”

Shit. 

then he quietly added, “I am though… and I kinda like you… “ 

Double shit. Hunter was cute, smart and adorable but I liked Brian. Why did life have to be so damn tragic? 

I didn’t know the meaning of tragic back then.

It started with Jack. I didn't tell anyone. Maybe I should have told Claire, when she visited, that her dad was a creepy creepy old man who stares at me, but how does one do that to a complete stranger. I wish I'd told her. It might have prevented all of this.

It started with the staring, I noticed that soon after I came but I wasn't surprised, it's happened before. Some men just do that… don't they? My mother had boyfriends who liked to stare at me. It also happened in school, I'm used to having to push annoying boys away. But Jack is not a boy.

When he's drunk, which was most days he likes to grab me and tell me I was a good looking one. I hated that. One day he cornered me in the basement. I was doing laundry and he surprised me. He grabbed me and started kissing me and I pushed him away and told him I was gonna tell Joan. 

"Joan knows you're a seducing little pussy, she doesn't care what I do to you. Don't you dare tell anyone, I'll make you regret it." 

I was so scared, but I didn't tell anyone. I just tried to avoid being alone, sometimes even asking the boys if I could sleep in their rooms.

It didn't always work, he somehow always managed to catch me alone and before long he started coming to my room at night. I woke up and he was on top of me. It happened many times.

"If you tell anyone no one is gonna believe you"

"If you care about your friends you keep your mouth shut"

And I never told anyone. I wish I would have said something, maybe I could have prevented everything but I was afraid he'd hurt Brian and Hunter and I didn't think anyone would believe me.

When Kira arrived he went after her too.

We finally told Brian and he confronted Jack about it. Jack lost it, said we were lying and threatened to kill us all. The next day the others started coming. So yeah. He made me regret telling. Many many times.

We quickly realized after Justin came to live here that he was the one who had Brian’s attention, or his protection more like it. He would actively try to gain the attention of our 'guests' and the way he almost bullied Justin to act busy in stables in the beginning was a clear enough sign. 

Something broke inside Brian when they started taking Justin to the basement, the fact that his arm was in a cast from Jack’s assaults wasn’t even half his injury. Then yesterday afternoon when Justin’s mom showed up and took him away, it was as if he froze. He acted all cool about it but I know something inside him just gave up. He was very silent when we tended to the animals. I took us a long time, Brian should not be using his arm yet, it's still weak and he's still hurting, he hides it very well but I can see it. When we were done with half of it he went outside to smoke.

The robot gave up for good last month and we now use the old milking machines. Hunter can make them work but my hands are too small and I keep dropping the cups straight on to the floor sucking up dirt and what not. It doesn’t really matter. No one collects the milk. We just pour it down afterwards. But we have to milk the cows or they’ll get sick. There’s not that many of them anymore. Jack never calls the vet. He just takes the cows out back and shoots them if they get sick. Same as he did with the dog. 

Everything is dirty, it hasn’t been this bad since last year when we were still at school. We haven’t been managing the stables well in the past few weeks. With Brian's arm and Justin being sick it’s really just Hunter who's been taking care of everything. Apart from Brian he's always been the strongest one of us. The feed is about to be finished and I can't help but worry about what's gonna happen to those poor animals. This is such hell.

After we finished Hunter and I both sat with Brian for a long time talking with him, hoping that we could make him feel better. We did all the talking really about all and nothing while he chain smoked a bunch of cigarettes and mostly threw in agreeing noises here and there when we told him it was great that Justin's mom had picked him up. The sun went down and we reminded him that we needed to go, that we had planned to go when it got dark enough. He didn't respond. When it got nearer to midnight I begged him to come inside because it was starting to rain. He refused. Hunter and me decided to give him some peace, Hunter put his jacket around Brian’s shoulders and we left him. 

When we came out of the stables we realized the yard was full of cars. Right... it was one of those nights. A bunch of guys and a few women came by for playing cards and drinking. And they needed us for service as they call it. It's most weekends. Kira and me pour them drinks, they grope us, make us sit with them until one of them gets horny enough to want more. Last time one of them tried to have sex with me on the couch and Joan wouldn’t have it. "Not in my living room," she said and he took me downstairs. I guess the couch is more important than me. Shit... where is my sweet Kira...I don't want to think about it.

The party was loud enough we could hear them shouting and cat calling as soon as we came out of the cowhouse. We saw through the window that a lady was on the dining table dancing half naked. Haven't seen her before. She seemed to be having fun. I sure as hell was not gonna go in there. Actually, it would be a great time to leave now, they are all busy and they won't notice anything until we're far away. 

"We should make a run for it," Hunter said. He was thinking the same, "Let's get Brian"

But Brian didn't want to go. 

"What for? There are snakes and bears and coyotes in the forest, and our neighbors come here you know that. If we take the road one of them might spot us and bring us back. Do you really want that to happen to you on poker night? There's too many of them, it'll get really busy…" he drawled out the last words cynically.

He was probably right it wasn't safe. Or maybe now that Justin was gone he had lost his number one drive to get away. 

He popped a few pills and added, " might as well wait a few days. It's not gonna make a difference, it's easier to hitch a ride in daylight. Besides, Swanson didn't come tonight he always comes on Saturdays. His wife thinks he has a club meeting. I think he's up to something. I think he's gonna help us." 

It could be true but he also sounds as if he's trying to assure himself. But then again he knows Swanson pretty well. He likes him I think. I think I do too, he's definitely one of the good guys.

Brian then asked us to leave, said he needed to be alone. We didn't want to go inside the house so we decided to sleep in the barn. The end that faces the house is what we call the messy end and because it hasn’t been tidied up forever it’s been one of our favorite places to hide out. It’s overfilled with all kinds of old things that belonged to Brian’s grandfather and that Jack hasn’t bothered to throw away. 

There’s a couple of old cars with covers on them parked in one end and around them, and on top of them as well, someone has put a bunch of cases and material that was apparently meant for fixing up the house or something. I never understood why they bought so many things and then never got the work done but never mind that, it made a great hiding place and we climbed into one of them and tried to get some sleep. 

It was hard to fall asleep. I was worried about Brian. And they were loud inside, they took the party to the yard for a while and it took a long time for them to finally get going, discussing who was in the best shape to drive and who could get a lift and other annoying topics. But they finally left one after another. I was a bit cold even though Hunter was spooning me, and also, my stomach is hurting. Actually my whole body is hurting. I'm too skinny, I haven’t really been eating lately, I'm hungry sometimes but the food just smells bad and I'm nauseous. Shit… when was my last period… can't remember...

I drifted in and out of sleep for what seemed forever until I heard it. A car drove in, loud music sounded from the speakers and then the engine was killed and someone  slammed the door. Good, at least his lack of respect woke me. I recognized the voices. Oh no! Those guys. I hate their high, fake polite sounding voice, their sardonic smiles disgust me. They come for the boys. Saperstein and Mark. I know the boys hate them too. I know they were part of the gang who raped Brian that one time. It was bad.

I quickly woke up Hunter and demanded that he stayed right there while I went to warn Brian. He'd been sitting behind the barn all night getting wasted. Too wasted I think. He was so out of it he didn’t hear me try to warn him and I was too scared to go near them when I realized Jack had come for him. I watched him drag Brian away… and now I am worried that me trying to warn him may have led Jack to him.

When I finally made it back to our hiding place I was terrified Hunter was not there anymore. It's too quiet. Did they get him too? I was so terrified. I hated how scared I was. 

It turned out he thought I was one of them coming for him and he made himself quiet as a mouse so he would be found. I went back inside the car, only to realize I’d made a huge mistake. This end of the barn faces the house and the wall is thin. 

So now we’re stuck there in the pitch black darkness listening to our friend being tortured inside the house unable to do anything to help him. 

Fucking hell I should have picked a different hiding spot. I can hear them. They are going at him. He’s screaming in pain. I bite my knuckles until I can taste blood so I don’t scream too. The car is humid from sleeping in it all night and the air feels heavy.  I’m shaking, my teeth chattering, I feel so nauseous. Hunter holds me tightly. He probably means well but it’s making me feel worse. Brian's screams are so terrible and it sounds so near. The feeling of being utterly useless weighs on me like a ton of bricks. My mouth fills with saliva. 

The screaming has stopped, it’s silent now. 

I try to break free, speaking through my teeth “Hun...ter… lemme go! I have to throw up!” He releases me and I scramble to the door, just managing to open it just enough so that I don’t puke inside it. 

"We h-haveto h-helpim!" I choke out between my heavings and start getting out and try to break free from Hunter's hold but he won’t let me. He hugging me from behind and petting my arms and shoulders softly “No... they’ll kill you… we need to stay until it’s safe...until they leave” 

We keep waiting, but they're still here, we would hear the car if they left.

Hunter is scared too. “Do you think they killed him Cynthia,” he said in a shaky voice. “ 

I don't know. Is he dead? Can we even get away from them? What if we run and they find us? We can’t trust social nor the Church, there are people both places involved. We can’t even trust the police. My thoughts are raging, my head is literally boiling over. 

"I shouldn’t have been hiding, I can always manage them. It’s quick, I pretend to like it and they never hurt me" Hunter says dejectedly. 

"None of this is our fault Hunter, they're disgusting monsters. Waste of air and space!" 

Oh... of course...

My decision washes over me like a fresh calming stream of water. If I go to prison for the rest of my life at least I’ll know I did the world a favor and if I die I’m sure it will be better than this. 

“That’s it. No more. I don’t care if it kills me. I want them dead. Let's get the rifle and bloody shoot them all." 

Hunter doesn't  say anything, it’s dark so I can't see his expression. 

"Are you with me or not?" 

“Yeah…” his voice is calm and he speaks slowly, very unlike him, “I was thinking the same but we need to plan this, I’d like us to live.”

Alright we need a plan. We'll get the rifle from the gun closet. And then what? Can we even protect ourselves? Maybe they have guns too. We know Joan has a small handgun. 

"Do you know how to shoot?" I ask him. 

"Yes. I do. Why do you think I'm called Hunter?" I never thought about that. How did I live with him for over a year now and never think to ask why he had this nickname?

"My grandfather looked after me a lot before he lost his marbles. He took me hunting a lot," he paused. "but I haven't used one for years now."

“Same." One of my mother's boyfriends was obsessed with guns and he taught me, but I was like 11. I told him that. "But it’s like riding a bicycle isn’t it? We’re still gonna know how to use them, aren't we?”

We agree we needed to surprise them, but how? How can we make sure they're busy?

"I've wanted to torch this place forever" Hunter admitted.

Because of the thick darkness I can't see his face. Hunter is a true bullshit artist but he sounds dead serious. I relax in his arms. We both have a valid reason to want to see bad things happen to this place and the people connected to it.

And so we make a plan. We'll find the guns, then take some petrol and pour it inside the middle floor and down the stairs that lead to the basement and then accidentally drop the lighter on our way out. And if we got caught we'd use the guns. I’ll work right?

We crawl out of the car and I notice the first light of the morning seeping in through the windows. We were so used to the darkness in the cloth covered car that it almost felt bright.

The gun closet is located in the far end of the building. We can’t carry the fuel all the way over there, it’s way too heavy so we slip the cans outside the door and hide it under a blanket just in case. We then walk through the cowshed. None of the cows are sleeping, they’re  standing in a group and look a little surprised to see us there at that hour. The screaming must have spooked them. "What if the fire catches on to the barn and spreads to the cowshed?" I ask Hunter. He looks at me. The chances are slim but it could happen, there’s not a huge space between the house and the barn. We leave the gate to the outside pen open just in case.

Of course the gun closet is equipped with a padlock. Hunter finds a crowbar and as silently as possible we manage to break the hinges. The closet may have been locked but it's old and this was not difficult. We grab the rifle and the shotgun from the closet and make sure to have enough ammunition. I can’t believe how calm I feel. We head to the exit. 

Wait. There's one thing missing from our plan. 

“What about Brian?” I ask, "we can’t leave him…"

“There’s nothing we can do to help Brian now. It’s too late.”  He spits out the last word like it’s poisonous and I push him angrily against the wall and glare at him. 

“You heard them Cynthia, if they haven't already killed him, do you really think he wants to live after this?” he asks and stares back at me incredulously. 

Maybe not. But is it our decision? My thoughts are racing through my head but I can't word them out loud. This is how he feels. But if it was me I would want help. Yeah. I'm deciding this.

“We don’t know what he wants and I’m not leaving here thinking maybe he was alive and died because of us." I pause for a moment and stare at him expectantly “Well? are we gonna do it my way?"

"I… uh… herh...hurrgh", he clears his throat excessively. I've noticed him doing that a lot lately. Then he puts on a brave face, "Anything for you milady"

I know what I’m asking him for is dangerous. We might run straight into their claws. But I'd rather die than live with that guilt. 

We exit the cowshed.

Hunter’s point of view. Three is a crowd.

Alright. We’re on. It’s time we take control of this shit hole. 

What Cynthia is asking me to do is probably a suiside mission. I don’t even think this has been tried in Hollywood movies.  I’m feeling really anxious. It’s been like that for some time now. My stomach all the way to my chest feels like it’s burning sometimes and there’s this giant ball of semi dry mucus in my throat and I just can’t get it out no matter how I try to clear my throat. The other kids think I’ve got it so well together but I really don’t I just don’t want them to know. I wonder if they feel the same. Probably. 

There are three cars parked in the yard. Jack's pickup truck next to the shed, and Saps stupid Mustang and one more closer to the house. I wonder if that last one was left here after the party or if we have more guests here to deal with. So there is Jack and Joan, The Sap and the doctor. Possibly more. And there's only two of us.  But I’m a good shooter, or at least I was a few years ago. I have three rounds in my rifle, but I have more ammo if I need to reload. I didn’t count how many shells Cynthia fed into the shotgun but there were several.

“Wait a sec… Is that Justin?” Cynthia is staring into the fading darkness. 

I can’t believe what I’m seeing. From where we are standing, we can see the driveway and yes, it's him, he’s back and he’s bending forward as if to catch his breath. What the fuck? What the bloody bloody fuck. He willingly came back up this royal shit creek? 

We walk towards him. He looks at us a little lost and doesn’t say anything.

“I don’t suppose you brought a paddle this time?” I know I’m being a cunt but I’m just NOT happy he’s here. 

“Huh…? “ He understands after a few seconds and I can see in his expression that he understands I’m angry, but it doesn’t affect him. He doesn’t respond. He’s really out of breath. He points at the guns we’re carrying. “What… ”

“We’re going to get Brian”

“Where is he?” Right as he asks the question he sees the Mustang. His expression freezes and he looks at me again. “Saperstein is here.” It’s not a question. 

“And the Doctor” Cynthia says before I can stop her. 

It’s not as if I wouldn’t have caught him but still I’m glad I manage to grab on to Justin as he tries to run towards the house. “No!” I hiss at him as I hold him back. “Do you have a fucking deathwish? You are NOT going in there. “Do you hear me? Why the fuck did you come back Justin? Are you mad?” 

“I need to find Brian” He says so low I can hardly hear him. Thank God for small miracles. I half expected him to yell and we really can’t make any sound. 

“Alright listen to me. We’re not gonna do anything unplanned. Justin, come with us, I want you to hide while we go in,”  I motion to my lips and point towards the storage we’d been hiding in. Justin is not willing at first but thankfully he comes along. We move as silently as we can. We get behind the truck, I silently encourage Justin to go hide inside.

Shit! There’s a sound. We hear the front door and kneel down quickly behind the truck

“It’s in my jacket on the back seat” That’s Saperstein’s voice. So it must be the doctor coming out. We hear him open the car door and then fumble around. He slams back the car door. He must have reentered the house cause the front door slams shut. He didn’t see us. I slowly rise and look towards the house. The light is back on in the living room and I see them in there. Some stupid trance mix comes on. It's not loud, probably playing from a phone. But that’s better than nothing. It might prevent them from hearing us. I see them light up something. Probably heroin. Damn bastard Sap likes to smoke it after fucking. Tried offering it to me once. As if. I will never. I saw what it did to my mom. Hopefully they’ll be so fucked up they won’t notice a thing until they’re burned beyond recognition. 

“So... Brian's in the basement, and he’s not coming out on his own because…” Justin’s face is expressionless “because… ...what happened in there?”

“Justin. Look. We are going in there to get Brian. That’s all you need to know. What happened earlier is gone now” Cynthia replies. I stay silent. There is no way I want to tell Justin about what we were witness too.  And it’s not like I have to. His face says he knows. I move to grab the petrol we left by the shed door.

“What’s that for?” Justin looks at the petrol cans. He looks like he’s calculating something in his head. And he’s smart, we’re never gonna be able to get him to stay out of this.

“Wait… is that your getaway plan? Torching the place by pouring that stuff over the floor and getting out by shooting your way through everything while also carrying Brian out of there? I love you guys but… uhm… gasoline fumes are heavier than air, they’ll collect in the basement and can easily explode and you’ll all be burned to a crisp. It won’t work, this isn’t a cartoon.”  Right. Private school. Chemistry. How did I forget? I should’ve thought about that myself. Fumes. 

“Ok then, what do you suggest Einstein? 

“I’d like to manage the petrol. You and Cynthia get Brian. I can’t… if he’s hurt... ”

“All right then. But you can’t do both of them, they're heavy. Cynthia and you both do the petrol. I’ll get Brian. Come on, we can’t let them see us. Let’s use the back door.”

Justin’s Point of View

We go through the shed and when we come around the back of the house we see light in the master bedroom. We can hear TV is on. So they’re awake. Shit. Quietly we crawl past the window and decide on the kitchen entrance instead. I guess that’s better anyway, the backstairs are right there off of the mudhouse anyway. 

Maybe I should’n have come here with them. I’m so out of breath when we get inside, I’m not even sure I can carry my gasoline container around to empty them like I suggested I’d do.  Hunter takes one serious look at us and mouths us to hurry up and opens the door that leads to the basement. He then stops as if he thought of something, turns around and unscrews the lid of the containers with much greater difficulty than I had assumed. Yeah, another thing we wouldn't have been able to do, good thinking. 

Cynthia and I each take one container and start moving towards the living room. Fuck, their heavy, of course they are, they’re 2.5 gallons. How did they even carry them so easily back from the shed. I can’t lift really mine so I tip it on the side and push it along the corridor in its own puddle. When I reach the living room Cyntia has already emptied hers all over the livingroom around the couches. The Sap and Mark have passed out on the living room couch. I guess drugs are good for something. I don’t see Jack and Joan. They might be asleep in front of the TV in their room, but taking that for granted would be a very stupid idea. So we need to work very quietly.  

Cynthia grabs my still half full container and carries it back for me. I feel a bit useless. But then I remember something. I saw a video on Youtube once, this mad youtuber was boiling gasoline and the fumes spread all over his yard in no time. I grab all the big pots from the kitchen, place them on the floor and Cynthia pours some in each pot. I lift each one onto the stove and turn every heat plate on full power. When this boils over it will be too late. 

“In God’s name, What are you two smoking in there?”

FUCK! It’s Joan. She can smell the fumes. We’re out of time. 

“Who’s there?” 

She’s coming this way. Time to leave!

We both burst into the mudroom not so worried about being silent anymore,  but Cynthia has the sense to quickly grab a broom and stick it under the door handle. 

“Go find the guns under the truck”  she quickly says “and come help us if we’re not out in two minutes” she then opens the door to the basement and is gone.  

The last thing I hear before I fly out of there is Joan frantically trying to open the door. 

Brian’s point of view. (Hunter helping)

I come to when someone is shaking me and pulling up my pants. I instinctively try to get away but then I realize it’s Hunter. I’m anything but helpful, hoping he’ll just go away and let me be. I’m in too much pain and I just want to roll myself into a fetal position and try to get back to sleep. “Brian! Get up! We need to go!  Justin is back. He’s in danger”

“ugh… arh…! WHAT?”  Despite the pain and drowsiness I’m on my feet in no time and if it wasn’t for him holding me back I would have fallen over.

“Move! Brian we really need to go!” He then grabs me and I’m even more confused because I think we’re moving away from the stairs. I’m having trouble walking, but Hunter is doing a great job supporting me although I don’t know why we’re going all the way to the back stairs when we could have used the main exit. Suddenly Cynthia appears, but I don’t see Justin. 

“Front door. NOW!  Hurry up! Joan is awake.” She whispers. 

I don’t understand what’s going on. Why do I smell gasoline? It’s so intense almost as if Cynthia is covered in it.  They’re in such a hurry to get me out they’re pretty much dragging me at this point. Fucking shit, I hurt all over. We finally get up the stairs and out. I stop. I still don’t see Justin. What’s going on? Was Hunter messing with me? 

“Guys! cowshed, we’re too close to the house. Move!” What is she talking about?

They pull me along until Hunter leaves us and disappears behind the truck and comes back holding Jack’s rifle and shotgun. What? I turn around and look at Cynthia. I don’t understand. 

“He’s right there Brian, Go! Cynthia and I will cover you if they come out”. 

I’m so confused. He who? Justin? Is he really here? Hunter did say he was in trouble. And then I see him. He’s really here. He looks like an angel. Perhaps he is. I slowly approach him. 

“Justin..? Why..?”

My voice breaks and suddenly I can’t see him very clearly. How is it possible to feel so much happiness and so much sadness at the same time? I touch his face, he’s burning up. “Oh Justin… You’re sick… come sit down…” I try to motion us towards the wall of the shed. He won’t budge. 

“What are you doing here Justin? They will kill you...” 

“I needed to see you” he says quietly. “

He softly touches my split lip and then he notices my bloody fingers.

“Oh…God… what have they done to you…” he cries. His touches are feather light. “I’m sorry Bri… I had to come back because I realized I prefer to die with you than to live without you.” Ever so softly he takes my head in his hands and kisses me on the mouth. The first kiss is supposed to be something great right? But I can’t, it hurts too much. I wish I kissed him before when I had the chance. I know he’s been wanting that but I just never… I just couldn't.

He hugs me instead, I try hugging him back but kind of give up and just stand there leaning into him. His arms feel so good, I’m so bloody tired and cold and he’s warm. My insides hurt like hell but my fingers are better I think, they hurt a little bit, nothing like before just this strangely numb sensation, like a buzzing beat, like they’re not even me, but I don’t care, I want this. Is he shaking or is it me? 

-- -- -- --

Suddenly everything is happening so fast. That warm quiet cocoon of an embrace may have lasted a few seconds or more I can’t tell. The pain went away, I don’t even know if I was touching the ground. All I know is that it’s ending too soon. 

A massive explosion sounds from inside the house and it instantly turns into a raging fire spreading throughout the house. I can do nothing but stare at it in a mix of awe and confusion. Now the smell of gasoline makes sense. 

Mark and Gary come running out of the flames, their clothes on fire. They throw themselves to the ground screaming like piglets and manage to exhaust the fire by rolling around. Cynthia points a gun at him. The bloody bastards are begging for mercy. 

“Let them live!”  Hunter shouts out. “They don’t deserve such an easy way out. Cynthia shoots anyway but must not have killed them because the screams continue. Whatever. 

Justin and I are still embracing each other.

I hear my mother has made it out too, she’s hysterically screaming for Jack. So he’s still inside. I was actually thinking ‘good’, he deserves to burn... maybe there is a God after all. 

Or not. Or there is a God, but then he’s not on my side, because… Jack is here. Alive and well. It’s as if he appeared out of nowhere. He must have come through the cowshed.

“GOD DAMNED LITTLE FAGGOTS!!  You set my house on fire!!” He’s holding a crowbar and is charging directly at Justin and me. All I can do is try to cover Justin as he starts hitting us. The next moment we're on the ground covered in blood. 

My ears are ringing and I don’t know what’s happening anymore. We are on the ground, Jack is lying next to us. Half of his head is missing and there’s blood everywhere. I look towards the others and Hunter is staring at us, still holding the rifle. I catch his eyes. He looks terrified. Maybe he should be. He could have hit us but if he didn’t shoot, I guess Jack would have killed us both. 

The house is a massive inferno behind Hunter. The animals are screaming. Then I see something else. 

“She’s got a gun!” My warning comes too late. Before anyone can react Joan has fired a couple of shots at Cynthia who drops down crying out in pain. Instantly Hunter fires back and my mom falls over screaming. 

But I don’t care. My focus is back on Justin. He’s unconscious and now I realise not all the blood is from Jack. It’s oozing out of the side of Justin’s head. No! no no no no... 

Chapter 10 ~ 4 in the morning

“It's the friends you can call up at 4 in the morning that matter”   

~Marlene Dietrich~

-   -   -

Daniel’s point of view - At the same time -  Strip District (Sunday 4 a.m.)

I followed my dad to where they found the girl. I was the first doctor to get to the scene and went with the ambulance. The paramedics and I did our best but it was too late. Whoever those sick monsters were, they really did a number on her. When I got back to my apartment, I opened up a bottle of Absolut and had almost finished with it when the phone rang.

“Talk!”

“Hello Daniel, this is Anita.”

I hadn't realized how much I'd missed her voice, but she was definitely the last person I expected to be calling me. But I'm a drunk jaded idiot, and so I react in an indecent way. 

“Ah Ah Ah Neeetah!  I didn’t think you were ever gonna talk to me again!  How are you sexy girl? Do you still have that little portable greenhouse of yours? I really need some of your phytochemicals right now…” my mouth says before my brain can catch up.

Hmmm… let's see how this goes.

“Shut up Danny, this is not that kind of a phone call… I didn’t know who else to call”

Right. Because who would call an ex-lover, years later in the middle of the night just for fun. Something must be wrong. 

Like I already told you I met Anita for the first time a few months after I got back from Afghanistan. I was staying in Seattle that year. I woke up after partying hard for days and she was laying on top of me next to two guys we had a foursome with if I remember correctly. We did more drugs and later that day we found ourselves at a music festival in Austin. As in Texas. That girl had contacts. We flew in with some rock band. Good times. I later found out that she was only 18. Oh well. She was also the one to tell me to quit the hard drugs or else she was never going to talk to me again. I quit, but when I married Barbara she said she would NEVER talk to me again. She knew that the children weren’t mine because I had told her why getting pregnant was something she wouldn’t need to worry about when she was with me. I kept tabs on her through the years, and sent her an electronic card every year on Valentine's Day. She hadn’t replied until now.

“Wazz up? Where are you? You alright?”

“West Virginia, I live on my grandparents farm, I finished nursing school, I work in Wheeling… I’m sorry for calling at this hour, I couldn’t sleep.”

“It’s fine… you know I hardly ever sleep. Do you still have the greenhouse?”

“Daniel… focus for me please“ she sounds serious, I can focus. 

“All right, I’ll behave, what’s going on?”

“Well… you wrote in your latest email you were coming back to Pittsburgh, ” She paused and I could hear that she was upset. “And... I just really need to talk to a friend right now...” 

“What’s wrong babe?”

“Ohh… it’s something at work that’s been bothering me…There’s this kid… Brian Kinney. He’s 15. His mother brought him to the hospital a few weeks ago, he had a broken arm and several bruises and cuts that needed stitching… It was a really busy shift at the hospital and I didn’t really get to spend time with him but… his eyes... I just can’t stop thinking about his eyes….He also had other bruises that looked older. When I asked how he got the bruises his mother was quick to say that he’s a little trouble maker and that he gets into a lot of fights at school. When I was putting on the cast I noticed a small homemade tattoo on his wrist, a little sun. He asked me if the cast would cover it and he was upset about that. When I asked him about it and he told me: “It’s my Sunshine”

Then today I found out that he hadn’t shown up for checkups or for having his cast removed. I wanted to know how he was doing so I looked up the phone number in his records but when I called the number was disconnected. I then called the schools in the area and was told that no one by that name was registered in any school in Wheeling. It was all really weird… I have a really bad feeling about this…”

My mind was a bit clouded by the alcohol but suddenly I registered something she said. 

“Wait a second... Did you say sunshine?  Did the tattoo look like a small sun?” Suddenly I didn’t feel the effect of the alcohol anymore. 

“Yes, a little black circle with rays coming out of it on the inside of the wrist. Do you know it?” 

Shit, what she was describing was like the tattoo I’d seen on the girl’s wrist.

“Daniel, tell me what you know about this” she demanded. 

“A young girl was found today… here in Pittsburgh. I treated her… she’d been severely violated... she… she had a sun tattoo…with a B inside… for Brian maybe? and she kept asking for sunshine. We think she’s only about 13 or 14 years old… and now she’s dead…” 

I could hear Anita gasp on the other end. “Oh lord… Daniel, we have to find out who those kids are.”

“Yes. It’s too similar… Those kids are definitely connected. They might be living here in Pittsburgh. It's likely his mother took him to Wheeling to try to hide his condition. I’m calling dad. Can you come to Pittsburgh?” 

“I’ll drive right now.” 

-       - -

“WHAT!?”  My father picked up after several rings. “It’s 4 o’clock in the morning for God’s sakes”

“How can you sleep after what we saw today? Get your wrinkled ass out of bed I’m coming to get you in 10 minutes. We need to go to the station. I have something.” I quickly told him what Anita had told me about that kid Brian and how his tattoo was similar to the girl’s.

I arrived at his house 5 minutes later. I guess my Corvette is fast. My father came out of the house as soon as he heard me drive up. 

“Are you fucking kidding me!! You drove here! You think I can’t smell your breath? How fast did you drive anyway? You're leaving the car here!” He was furious that I was driving while smelling like a distillery. 

“Yeah, well I was in a hurry, and I’m in much better shape to drive than you on your sleeping pill infested head.” 

“Yeah, well neither one of us is driving tonight, we have a ride to the station.” My clever father had already called the station and asked the night shift for a pick up. 

I quickly made my way to the trunk of my car and grabbed my ever present first-aid kit. A nifty little shoulder strap containing stuff I’d like to have handy if for when I’m ever unlucky enough to meet with an accident. Something I got used to when I was with MSF. It could come in handy. 

We waited inside his house for the pickup. His phone started blasting Amy Winehouse and my father grabbed it quickly. Only one person has that ringing tone in my father's phone, he has a generic tone for everyone else.

“Hello V…  The phone call was one sided for the first minute or so, the person on the other end was clearly upset. 

“Valery, I want two units to go to his address immediately and try to stop him. Take care of that now and then come back to the phone. 

Val has been working with my father for the last 30 years or so. She used to be a cop but something happened to her and she never got over that. So now she is his assistant, on paper that is. A very very smart lady with certain neurotic limitations and a lack of people skills in some instances. She has a few tasks. Answer my father’s phone, screen his emails, plan shifts and vacation days and make sure the office is clean and there is food. She executes all of her tasks perfectly… some think too perfectly, but my father refuses to let her go. Her “office” is next to my father’s. Effectively it is a miniature studio apartment where she sleeps if she doesn’t want to go home which has been practically every night for the past few months. If my dad has been overworking himself lately that’s not much compared to Val. She doesn’t have a family and she literally lives for work. 

“I received an email…” He said deep in thought, “we have a confession. And the location of the kids. We have work to do. Apparently a lot of people are involved, members of the force too. As Valery came back to the phone a patrol car pulled up to the house. 

“Val, don’t call me again unless it’s absolutely necessary. I don’t know who’s picking me up. We don’t know who to trust yet. This needs to be a top secret mission. Officially we’re all coming because of that bomb threat at the airport. Get in touch with the 911 dispatchers and tell them to expect the call. I’ll be there in five minutes.” He then hung up without another word and before we stepped into the car he told me, “don’t breathe a word on this until we’re in my office, I have a very bad feeling about this.”  I had heard of the bomb threat. The radio was on in my car.

On the way to the station Anita called me again. 

“Hey… I’m kind of being chased up I-70 do you think maybe your dad can stop the cops behind me from arresting me? I don’t really have time to stop for a chat right now.”  

My dad got in touch with the patrol car in question on the radio introduced himself and asked them to escort her and not stop her or arrest her. 

“I don’t think we can catch her sir... 

“Hahaha… how fast are you going, Miss Anita? Please be a good girl and let the nice cop pass you so that you’ll get an escort once you’re in the city.”  I really really like this girl. 

Chapter 11 ~ Swan Song

“No one commits suicide because they want to die. Then why do they do it? Because they want to stop the pain” 
~Tiffanie DeBartolo~

Same time - Gibsonia, PA 

Edward Swanson glanced at the clock on his computer screen. He took a deep breath and attached the finished document to his email. Before sending it, he had one more thing to do. 

He needed to place the goodbye note he had written to his wife. He had left her sleeping in their bed to finally do what he should have done a long time ago. He felt calmer than he had been in a while, he felt relieved. Never before had he been so sure about anything. It was the right decision. Any alternative would cause more harm, more pain. 

Although he’d pretty much been born with a silver spoon in his mouth and done well in life, he was not a happy man. After finishing his degree in pharmaceutics he took over his father’s pharmacy as had been the plan for him ever since he could remember. He remained unmarried for a long time until his friends took it upon themselves ten years ago to find him a wife. He’d met Chloe at a dinner party. She was very beautiful, petite and certainly did not look her 36 years. She was well educated, had a good job and had always wanted children. They then got married after an appropriately long engagement and two years later their daughter was born, followed by a boy three years after her. 

He did very well financially, the children were healthy and happy.  He owned a large house, nice cars and they traveled to many exotic destinations. He and Chloe were active supporters of various charities and their social circle consisted of the right kind of people. On the outside they seemed to have the perfect life. Their personal life had always been peaceful, they had never once argued but there was no passion. He knew his wife had a secret lover and in fact he doubted their younger child was his. He wanted his wife to be happy, so he didn’t mind. He too lived a double life. 

But his was not mere infidelity. It was so much worse. He had unnatural urges. He was sexually attracted to young teens. Never had he felt he could share his problem and seek professional help. The shame was too heavy a burden, yet he couldn’t stop.

Pedophile. 

He detested the word. Child pornography disgusted him. He just loved being with young boys. His thoughts took him back to the last time he saw Brian. That was two days ago. 

‘ “Quit the crying Swanson. You’re not the one who just got fucked.”  Brian rested  lazily on the sofa while he himself sat weeping on the bed. Sweet Brian, never had he loved a kid more. He kept coming back to spend more time with him. It was really like an addiction. And now he was really worried about him. Brian had lost weight and was going through the drugs he brought him a lot faster now. The white of his eyes looked like his liver was in trouble. 

“Does your arm still hurt? Did I hurt you?” he’d asked. 

“Oh please” Brian drawled. “It wasn’t you who broke it, and you got me the good pain pills…. you know Birdie, I actually like you. You never hurt me.”  Brian grinned cynically, his smile didn’t reach his eyes. 

“And... I know it’s because of you that they treat Justin better than the rest of us. And Jack hasn’t touched either of us since…” he lifted his emaciated looking arm. The skin was so pale, it hadn’t yet recovered. How did you swing that? Did you threaten him somehow? 

“Yeah, well I know it would kill you if Justin got hurt” he got up from the bed and moved over to Brian fishing a small tube of hydrocortisone from his bag. “Can I apply some of this to your arm, it’s very helpful” he asked and when Brian didn’t protest he started rubbing generous amounts to his peeling skin while quietly talking to him.

“and no, I didn't threaten anyone, I would be dead by now if I'd done that. So I bought Justin's virginity… but I was stalling… and then he got sick so I’ve told them I’m waiting for when he’s recovered. I'm not going to uhm...you know... but I was thinking it would keep him safe for a while. I worry so much about you Brian, don’t you know how much I care about you?”  

Brian's eyes were intense as he stared back in silence before he spoke again. 

“How about getting us out of here then? Don’t you know that I would let you fuck me every day of week any which way you’d  like to if you got Justin and me out of here.”  

Yeah. Of course he’d thought about that, he’d been looking for ways to help him but it wasn’t as simple as Brian made it sound. “Brian it’s not… it’s not as easy as that. Don’t you realize that they would bring you right back here... or somewhere else and kill both of you! And me… or let me live and watch when they’d bring my children here and...“

“How about calling the police, how about confessing?” he demanded.

“I can’t ! My children would never forgive me… They’ll never… Oh hell, I should just kill myself !”  Oh yeah. I finally said that out loud. And Brian wasn’t in the  least shocked. “Yeah... well… maybe you should”  he spat bitterly without hesitating. “But if you do, please call the police first. Now get the fuck out of here!” 

He’d then gotten up but before leaving Brian he’d taken a bag with a few bottles of pills from his coat’s pocket and handed it to him. 

“Don’t use it too fast. You’re no good in protecting the others if you‘re too stoned. And please behave. I’ll do what I can. I promise.’

That was the last time he'd seen Brian. He would never be able to correct what he had done, but perhaps if there was a God somewhere, perhaps it wasn’t too late to stop it. 

He took out the letter and read it over one last time. 

Dear Chloe, 

I have chosen to end my life. I’m in too deep in the worst imaginable way and I’m not brave enough to face my punishment. I am a pedophile and I have done unforgivable things. I cannot endure my guilt any longer. I beg you not to tell the children what I have done and I hope the news of my sick nature will not spread to disgrace you. You are a good person. I’m sorry that I have not been able to love you more. You and the children will be taken well care off. Please believe that I have never touched our children in that way. I don’t want you or the children to find me. I have chosen a place away from our home and will notify the police.

Edward.

He folded the letter and placed it where he knew his wife would find it. 

He read the email one last time. 

From: e.swanson@cygnuspharmacy.com

To: c.horwath@pittsburghpa.gov.us

Cc: report@pittsburghpa.gov.us, just-tell@fbi.gov.us

Subject: My confession

I deeply regret that I haven’t contacted your department earlier. It would have prevented a lot of pain but I was afraid for the safety of my family. It took me longer than I hoped to gather all the evidence I needed. I can only hope that you will be able to get to the children before it is too late. I worry for their lives. It may be too late already. 

I have decided to end my life because I can not live with myself any longer and can not bear the thought of having my crime become known in prison.

Attached to this mail you'll find a list of names and locations. It is important for the safety of my family that the list will not fall into the hands of the wrong people who are involved in this horrible crime. I have been threatened. You will see from the list that some of those people are influential people in our community including politicians, members of the Police Force and Family Services. For these reasons I have also sent a copy to the FBI. I have exchanged emails with similarly sick people around the world. I know for a fact that those people are not working alone. There is proof of that in my computer which you will find in the trunk of my car. I have backups in my bank safety deposit box. Before I end my life I will phone in my location so that I can be found. 

Edward Swanson

1034 Victoria Place

Gibsonia PA 15044

-  -  

He then hit the send button, placed his laptop in its case, got up, collected his handgun and quietly left the house. He drove his car to a park near his house and found a quiet area where he parked his car. He dialed 911 and informed the dispatcher of his location. “Can you confirm that you have my location? I’m ending my life. Please notify the police” he listened to the voice on the other end for a few seconds. 

“No sir, I don’t want help. It’s too late. I want the police to find my body before someone else does.”  

He ended the call, said a short prayer, put the gun in his mouth, and pulled the trigger. 

-   -

Chapter 12 ~ Connecting The Dots

“In the time of darkest defeat, victory may be nearest” 
~Willam McKinley~

Daniel’s Point of view 

We got to the station and hurried to my dad's office. Valery was waiting for us. 

“Pezol and Loko, won’t be coming in yet, I redirected them all to go look for Swanson.” She was talking about four members of my Dads team. I’ve met all of them before when they’ve joined us for food. Diego Perez and Oliver White are seasoned cops who have been on the team for years. Depending on the situation they go by either their last names or first names sometimes even their pet names Olli and Pez, Which is why Val refers to them as Pezol as a team. I’m used to that from the army. 

Loko is what Val calls Erin Long and Becky Korff who are young cops fresh out of the akademy. They may be young but they’re witty and touch, super-smart girls with a speciality in criminal investigation.

Val had printed out the email already several copies and we each read one. I sat right on top of her desk half falling at the computer nearly knocking one of the screens to the floor. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have driven. Valery said I smelled like someone poured a bottle of vodka over me and handed me a large mug of coffee telling me to snap out of it or go home. I found a better place to sit and while Dad walked anxiously in circles she sat down behind her screens awaiting further news. 

“911 has the call, he’s doing it” Valerie informed. Our people have the location and are on the way to find him. I’ve got both units on the line, talk to them.” My dad was quick to grab the headset and started barking out orders. 

“Perez and White, I need you to be prepared, it’s probably gonna be good. The Feds are on the way too but you will arrive first.  I want you to secure the location before they get there. As soon as they arrive, let them take over. But I’d like you to be present when they seal the evidence. When that’s done I need you back here

LoKo I prefer you go straight to Stockwell’s house, he’s on the list and I need you to detain him but not bring him in, that might compromise the case. I want you to take orders from the FBI about what to do with him. They will be in charge of the investigation.  We can’t involve anyone from outside this group. We can’t trust anyone yet.” 

“Valerie, get in touch with our FBI contacts and brief them and get us backup we can trust, and get protection for Mr. Swanson’s family.”  It’s a good thing Valery is used to him. 

A few minutes later Samantha Kowalski, Larry Hanson arrived. It was my first time meeting them. They were briefed about the situation.  

“Mother of God…” Larry and Samantha repeated in tandem as they read the printout. “Holy …. Even the chief is on the list!”  

“That’s right, not a word of that is leaving this group,” my dad added, “It seems the members of the local police up there in Butler are on the list too. We don’t know who can be trusted so we’re not involving them yet . No one besides us and the FBI folks can know we’re on to them. Officially we’re traveling north because of an accident on I-79. 

They all got to work, it was impressive to watch. If only the case wasn’t so tragic.

One by one the rest of the team had arrived. Olli and Perez came in first, they were understandably shaken by what they had found. Swanson had been very successful in his suicide attempt. 

Then Erin and Becky arrived, they had successfully managed to arrest Stockwell who played innocent and truly surprised that he had to be taken in. He had declared with a suspiciously positive attitude how happy he was to assist with every aspect of the investigation. They had given him over to the FBI before coming to the station. 

Anita arrived last despite her now infamous fast driving. Only about 40 minutes had passed since we’d first talked on the phone.  

Everything was coming together now. With the new set of information they had been able to connect the dots to find what they had been looking for for months. They worked fast and what they found was alarming. 

Joan Kinney was indeed listed as the mother of a Brian Kinney and married to a Jack Kinney. They have an eighteen year old daughter who is married and living in Cleveland with her young son. The Kinneys were farmers in Butler County about an hour north of Pittsburgh. According to the public registry they had beside their son Brian and Joan’s much younger sister, five foster kids living on the farm. The monthly visit reports stated everything was good. It was a clean loving Christian home and the children were doing well at school. But when we looked into the school registry, we found none of the kids were registered in school, according to the school registry the family had moved to Cleveland before the start of the school year to help the young mother. However the state of Pennsylvania was still paying Jack unemployment benefits, and Joan was receiving payments for the care of five children and one disabled adult. Needless to say this didn’t add up. We knew we’d have to be going immediately to the farm to have a look for ourselves. 

A few minutes later we were on our way to Butler county. Valery stayed behind to manage the operation.  Little did we know how much time was working against us at that moment. 

Chapter 13 ~ Race against time

“Nothing wrong with shooting as long as the right people get shot” 

~Dirty Harry~

Daniel’s point of view 

We’re too late. 

Anita and I drove with Dad and Larry. We took the liberty of fast driving the first part of the way but as we approached Butler, dad made Larry turn off the sirens and slow down. Anita wanted to descend straight onto the farm blue lights and sirens and bring them down. “FUCK protocol! There are children out there in great danger!” she shouted and I silently agreed with her. We were leading our convoy of three vehicles and thankfully Larry made sure to drive pretty fast despite my father’s protests. It calmed her down somewhat. 

Dad and Larry tried to explain that we didn’t want to scare them off and if we barged into a scene without caution we might do more harm than good. That it was police protocol, to ‘proceed with caution’, and not show ourselves until we assessed the situation. I know my old man so I kept quiet. Anita was livid and made it clear with a range of explicits how little she thought of police protocol. Bottom line, we were not in charge so there was not much we could do. We parked the three cars about a quarter of a mile away on a track in the forest and Anita and I  together with Dad and the rest of the men carefully crept the rest of the way. The women stayed behind taking care of the cars. Samantha is pregnant and Erin and Becky do not have full training for an unsecure situation such as this one is likely to be.

I'm having mild flashbacks from Afghanistan. In the faint morning light, we hurry as much as we can towards the farm. Just as we begin to see the farm houses through the trees we are startled by an explosion, the screams are intense, the terrifying cries for help that people make when they’re on fire. Then, soon after that, we hear the first shot, then another one, then several more. The screams intensify but sound less human now, more like from frightened animals.  My father grabs hold on Anita and throws her down. 

“Stay down!  Don’t move!” He barks into his radio. “Call for backup. Armed and dangerous. Multiple gunshots” he informs Valery and the women staying behind.

I act on pure reflex. “I’m going in”

“NO!!” My father grabs me. “You don’t know what happened. They’ll shoot you too if you go there now.”

That right there is the difference between police security protocol and my personal ethics. I’d served in three wars, of course I know that I will be of less than no help injured or worse. But right now I know what I have to do. Anita looks me straight in the eyes. She's thinking the same. We hurry towards the farm ignoring my father’s cursing. 

I stop and try to assess the situation. I’ve served in conflict zones and this certainly resembles one. The house is consumed by fire. The smoke is almost thick enough to impair my view. The explosion. Smells a lot like gasoline here, so arson probably. At first glance, I see three bodies on the ground, they are all conscious and clearly in considerable pain by the sound of it. Through the smoke I see another figure, and this one is pointing a gun at me at me, he looks very young. He's standing next to the fourth victim who is rolled up in a fetal position on the ground. I see another weapon on the ground.

I raise my arms above my head. His hand is trembling, he won't shoot. I speak calmly to him. “Don't shoot buddy, we come in peace... I'm a doctor… we’re unarmed, let us help please.”

We slowly walk towards the three bodies on the ground. I’m about to tend to them when the boy speaks. “She has a gun, be careful.”

So he’s not aiming at us. He’s trying to protect themselves and us from this woman. I see a small handgun on the ground, pick it up, careful not to leave my prints on it and quickly make a show of emptying it of bullets. Then I throw it under one of the cars. 

“Put the weapon away son, the police are right behind us, they'll shoot you if the see you’re carrying, this is my radio, let me call them off” I grab my walkie talkie. “Unarmed. Everyone is unarmed. Don’t shoot!”  

The boy is still pointing the rifle at me.  “Help us first and I’ll put it down”

I can work with that. The lady on the ground is bleeding heavily and the men have burns but I’ll do what the boy demands. His actions do suggest the people next to me don’t deserve all that many favors. And besides, a rifle in my face trumps Hippocrates. The others should be coming soon, they can take care of these three. 

I slowly approach him, my hands held in front of me.  Anita is right behind me. 

“My name is Daniel, what’s your name buddy?

He puts the rifle on the ground. “Hunter… her name is Cynthia… she’s been shot…” his voice is shaking and he’s clearly trying very hard to keep it together. 

We both kneel to check her. “Hello Cynthia, I’m Daniel, this is Anita, can we take a look at you?”  The girl is obviously in pain and she’s holding her side but I see that her light colored shirt is stained by blood which is already seeping through her fingers. 

I reach into my bag to grab a compression gauze. “Come on sweetie let Anita lift up your shirt, I want to place this on your wound.” I press the gauze to the entrance wound. 

“I’m fine. I’m FINE. Help Brian!” I ignore her but Anita rises immediately. Brian, that’s the boy she talked about earlier. 

“Where is Brian?” She asks, and Hunter motions to a vehicle parked next to us. “They’re behind the truck” 

They? As in how many? 

“Hunter, can you press the wound really tight...?” His hands are on the compression before I even finished my question. 

As I get up Anita calls my name. She has walked a few steps further and is looking past a pickup truck parked in my line of vision. “Daniel! Come quick!” She disappears behind the truck. 

As I follow her I turn around but don’t see the others. The smoke is really too thick so I can’t tell if they are here already. I grab the walkie talkie again. “Dad, take care of the two kids, she’s been shot” 

I get behind the car. Anita is already on her knees next to two boys. There is another person behind them, shot in the head, it’s too late for him. 

“Brian! I’m Anita, do you remember me sweetheart? I put the cast on your arm when it was broken. This is Daniel, he’s a really good doctor. Let us help your friend please.” 

Brian is not willing to let go. He’s talking a mile a minute. “He hit us, h-he... kept hitting us... there's so much blood. I can’t stop it. He needs to go to the hospital. Please take him to the hospital… He has a fever. He’s been sick for a long long time. And.. and… he’s allergic!! Tell the hospital he’s allergic! ...to tylenol and penicillin… and uhm… codeine”

I lay my bag on the ground and pour out all the envelopes of sterile gauzes. I help her pry Brian’s fingers off the other boys head. We quickly dress the wound the best we can. His skull is definitely fractured. Anita is handing me her jacket and I fold it twice over to use as a temporary neck stabilizer. He needs to get transported soon. 

My father is with us now. “Larry got the girl, Do you need my help over here?”

“Yes, thanks. How long is our wait for transport”. He doesn’t reply immediately. 

“Dad?!”

“They… there is a delay. There’s been a bus accident on I-79, apparently it’s very serious. All local emergency crews have been dispatched there, we’re getting paramedics from Pittsburg. 

I hear his radio hiss. I can hear Valery’s voice on his radio. “I have two airlifts. They’re about twenty minutes away from you now. We have four ground ambulances heading your way too… but that’s gonna be 35 minutes at least.” 

Not good enough. The return drive is at least 40 minutes even if they go fast. 

“The girl’s chest wound needs priority. This head wound is our first priority though. I want the two choppers for them” 

The distress calls of the animals and the furious explosive sounds from the blaze are too loud. 

Do you know the condition of the others?” 

“No, the guys wanted to move them away from the fire, I don’t think they know yet. The burns might be serious, but you’re the doctor Son, you’re gonna have to make that call. The girls are bringing the cars… they should be here any minute. We could bring some of them in. We have oxygen and blankets… but we can’t afford to lose the manpower, we’d need to send at least 2 with each patient. But we have stretchers in the cars, we really should move them out of the smoke...” 

Brian is still kneeling next to us. I zone my father out. The boy is silent now. Too silent. Oh no… oh fuck! How could I miss that? I fell for the stupid rule that the quiet ones need attention first. He was acting so brave I missed the signs that are screaming at me now. Talking too much, hyperventilating, a little too pale, sweating, his fingers freezing cold when we pulled them off his friends head, his skin is pale. 

“Brian, are you in any pain?” He doesn’t answer, just keeps staring forward, but he’s not focusing on Justin anymore. Yeah, something is hiding here. He is definitely injured too. 

He’s breathing very fast. Some of this blood is probably his. I grab his wrist to feel for his pulse and he whimpers painfully and pulls his hand away. But not so fast that I didn’t see it. 

His fingers are covered in blood from holding his friend’s head so I hadn’t noticed before. His fingers are swollen, probably broken, his fingernails are missing! Oh my God... 

“He’s hemorrhaging! Anita, get over here. We need to find where he’s bleeding from. Dad, take over the head wound. Now!

“Dad! I changed my mind. Larry takes the girl to meet the first ambulance right now. Erin goes with them. The two helicopters are mine for these two. Get the girls over here! Bring me all supplies you have stat!” My dad is quick on the radio to give orders. 

“Brian, Look at me son, can you hear me? Talk to me, have you been hurt?”

“Juss-tin...” he whispers and actively evades my touch.

“Yes! Justin is in good hands. My father is taking good care of Justin.” I softly place my hand on his shoulder and try to get him to trust me. “Look at me Brian. Can you do that? Don’t be afraid. I’m gonna help you. You are safe. Justin is also safe.  

“H... h… he…”  He’s pointing at the other boy and panting as if he’s been running. “Ah...llergic… hospital… phh...…” then his hand drops and he falls forward into my arms. He doesn’t have enough energy to hold himself up anymore. Where the fuck is that wound?

“Brian, can you hear me buddy? I need you to stay with me. Tell me where you’re hurt. His pants are wet but cold, there doesn’t seem to be any bleeding. “Nooo… don’t touch me...” He faintly protests. I exchange looks with Anita, he sounds so broken. “I’m... uhh… I’m sso c..cold…”

“Brian! Look at me! I’m gonna put my hands on you now. I’m going to help you now” He’s shaking so much now, I worry he might be going into shock. I quickly feel my way around his shoulders, back and chest to his abdomen. 

Found it. 

His abdominal area is hard and as I lift his shirt I see it looks swollen, particularly his left side. I could measure him but I don’t have to. His heart rate is way too fast for his pressure not to be falling. I’ve seen this before too many times. He’s nearly unresponsive now. 

Becky and Sam are with us now. Good. “Becky, help Dad, Sam get over here”. She places the equipment case next to me and Anita takes out the oxygen tank and places the mask on Brian. “I’m going back for the stretchers,” Sam says, “we should move them, there’s too much smoke here it’s not safe you guys.” I notice that now. 

We don’t see the boy until he speaks. 

“Did I shoot him?“ It’s Hunter. He casts a worried look in  Justin’s direction. 

I see the scenario in my head. The dead guy next to us was hitting Justin with the crowbar which he’s still holding in his fist. He’s been shot directly in the face. And Hunter had a rifle earlier. So he’s the shooter. I can understand why he thinks his bullet may have hit Justin. 

“No, Buddy… you saved him. They would both be worse off without you”

I’m not sure if my words have relaxed him, he still looks very scared. We don’t know what has happened to these kids but I have my suspicions.  Neither Brian nor the girl wanted to let me touch them. And if the girl I treated this evening came from here... well... I can’t be thinking about that now.  

“What should I do?” he asks quietly. 

Great question. 

The right thing to do would be to wrap him in a blanket, tell him to relax, hold him and convince him that everything will be alright, because do we really place further responsibility on a 15 year old who’s just lived through traumatic events that might be far worse than we know about? But we have our hands full and maybe it’s good for him to have something to do. 

“Yes Hunter, we need your help.  Can you help us find a place away from the fire to wait for the helicopters? We need a lot of space, is there a field behind the farmhouses? I want to move Brian and Justin away from the smoke.” 

“We should go behind the cowhouse. There is plenty of space there. “ 

Sam and I place Brian on the stretchers. We pick him up, the kid hardly weighs anything.  Anita is supporting the oxygen and the three of us follow Hunter through the cowhouse. 

It’s all more than a little surreal. The animals which were much louder just minutes before go nearly quiet as we walk in. They’re grouped together as if to seek comfort from one another, staring at us suspiciously as we walk through. 

“It’s ok... it’s ok. It’s just us. Brian’s getting help now, don’t worry..." Hunter talks to them in such a calming way and I can almost believe him myself.  

“I’m sorry about the dirt, the draining is bad here. It’s better on the other side of the gate,” Hunter apologizes as we exit the building, as if it’s his fault. It’s not the fault of a fifteen year old kid if a farm is badly managed.  My shoes certainly sink into the manure in the pen but there’s no time to worry about that. The pen is only about 10 meters across and we quickly make it to a gate which he holds open for us to pass through. “Hunter, go back and help the others find their way over here with Justin, I want him here too.” 

Like he promised the ground on the other side is much dryer. We carefully place Brian down and I count his pulse again. It’s weak and fast, not that I expected anything else. 

I unzip the main compartment of my trusted bag, pull out the stethoscope and cuff kit and quickly start inflate it on Brian’s arm. Anita has stolen my stethoscope form me, already has the eartips in and is taking over. 

“Sam, How long until the chopper is here?”  

“I imagine 10-15 minutes.“  I can't believe it’s less than 10 minutes since we found the boys.  It feels like half an hour at least. 

So we wait?  The transport back takes at least 25 minutes. So 40 minutes until he gets to a hospital. 

The air is still slipping out of the cuff, Anita hasn’t said anything, we’re both staring expectedly at the sphyg. 

“Systolic 74…”  No. We don’t have the luxury of waiting. I need to take a look inside. If it’s his spleen it needs to come out. He has lost way too much blood already, the poor boy hasn’t got long. I swear that Anita is reading my mind. And why shouldn’t she. She was with me performing medical procedures in tents in the desert without so much as running water. “... there, 74 over 50… ” She releases the cuff. 

“Right. We’re gonna stop the bleeding.” I knew he was low but this is just too low. Anita nods. I was right, she’s not the least bit surprised. 

“What do you have in your bag Sam? I want to see everything you have.”

I take off my jacket and lay it on the ground next to us, then zip down the front section of my bag on top of it. It’s one of those smart foldable bags with see through compartments lining the inner space so everything is organized. Everything you’d expect to find in a regular first aid kit, but then some more. Gloves, wound covers, bandages, A small bottle of iodine, various kits and tools, medications. It turns out Sam’s bag has more of the large scale items, blankets, bandages, rescue gear... Oh! a bag of saline. I grab it and lay it against my chin, fuck… it’s too cold. It’ll do more harm than good. I give it to Anita. And she places it under her arm. 

I reach into the compartment where I keep the tools. Shit. The only scalpel I have is a 15# blade, it’s no good. I have that tiny thing for it for dealing with small pieces of glass, splinters and small wounds. I’m an idiot, My mind goes back to last weekend, to a stupid impromtu BBQ where nobody remembered to bring a knife. I used my 24# blades cut steak. The ER-doctor saved the day… and then I forgot to replace it.  Great. 

“Sam, do you have a scalpel?” No. Fine, I’m gonna have to make do with the 15#. 

The distinctive sound of a metallic spring catches my attention. Hunter is back holding out his hand with a knife in his palm. “Uhm… maybe… I don’t know if this one works? It’s sharp though.”

This kid is a lot tougher than I gave him credit for. "Well… that's… yes, I can probably use that. Cover both surfaces with this and leave it on until I need it." I hand him the bottle of iodine. There's no time to ask him what he’s doing with a contraband, that’s the least of our troubles right now.  And besides Anita has located my own dirty little secret. 

"Humph…  Fentanyl? In a first aid kit? Really...?" She gives me a look of disbelief. 

"Yeah, well, I was sure I was gonna need it someday... and bloody hell if that day hasn't arrived…"  I fill a syringe with the contents of the small vial.

"Anita, I want you to give him one third now and the rest if he moves when we start. Bloodpressure is so low that I’d rather not, but I don’t want to torture him either."

“Are you sure Daniel?”

“Yes, I’m sure! It’s much easier to do it here... The chopper shakes too much. I've done this before.” 

“Did he survive“

“Some of them did.” 

I put on gloves and silently curse the fact I'm about to open the kid up as if he was a farm animal, without decent equipment.  I get the iodine back from Hunter and smear it on Brian's abdomen and the rest of the equipment.

“Ok then, Hunter, give me the knife,  and grab that flashlight over there and hold it still.”  Sam, you manage the oxygen… 

Anita, you… well everything else. Let's do this" 

And so I cut him open. Sometimes I hate being right.

-   - -

Chapter 14 ~ Mr and Mrs Right 

If you don’t have any shadows you’re not in the light”

~ Lady Gaga

Anita's point of view, Children's hospital, Pittsburgh. 

I'm in a nurses coffee room now. Strange right? yeah, it surprised me too that I was allowed to wait here but then maybe the orderly who let me in here thought I work here, he may have been fooled by the clothes I'm wearing, but it's also a very busy shift, everyone is in a hurry and that's when mistakes are made.   It's a definite upgrade from the general waiting room where I was in the beginning, it's calmer here. But I can't really say I'm all that relaxed, every sound has me jump a little more than I'd like to admit. I guess my nerves are finally catching up with what's been going down tonight.

This can't be correct. I blink my eyes several times while staring at the clock on the wall. I can't believe it's 7:21 a.m. The time displayed on my phone agrees. This means we arrived here just over an hour ago now, but it felt like she’d been there for several hours. Because I'm not a staff member there's not much for me to do but wait for news.

I just came back from Hunter. This boy is something else. He was with us the whole time we worked on Brian, he kept totally calm, didn't even seem bothered being suddenly cast as a surgical assistant. I'm so happy I was still down there in the reception when he was brought in. He was the last to be brought in and he literally fell into my arms when he saw me. I guess he was finally at the end of his rope. He wouldn't let go of me and I was allowed to go with him to the examination room. He didn't really comment much on the questions the doctor asked him, seemed relatively fine physically but asked about Cynthia. I lied and told him I hadn't seen her and didn't know if she was in this hospital. Because I know that she's here, and what I heard when they brought her in was not so positive… well I guess I'll know soon.

I fill up my cup by pressing the button for the strongest fake espresso three times. I've started to feel a bit tired now that I allow myself to relax instead of walking around. Better get on my feet again. I sip the tarlike result from the coffee machine, like expected it tastes bad but hopefully it will help. 

"Dr. Wright had asked for you mam, he's upstairs at the roof terrace," 

It's the same orderly as before who has come to find me. He looks tired. It's the same as in every other hospital, understaffed on a regular day but this morning has been extra hard on everyone, with the bus accident and us on top of all other regular patients, "you'll find the elevator if you follow the corridor to the left out of here."  

Once on the elevator I can't help but panic a little. If Daniel is out, does that mean Brian out of surgery already? Or… is he d… No! I can NOT think like that. Damn it, that's hot! My hands are shaking too much, making it tricky not to spill the steaming hot liquid all over myself. ‘Get a grip! You are not the injured one here...’ I tell myself, closing my eyes and focusing on my breathing. 

-   -   -

Everything had happened so fast. 

She’d been separated from Daniel as soon as they entered the ER when he left with the doctors who took Brian to the operation room. A few minutes later the second team of paramedics arrived and Justin was rushed to surgery as well. The third team of doctors was standing by. Anita learned that an ambulance was on the way high priority as well. Could that be the girl? Anita’s thoughts went back to the farm earlier that night. 

‘I’m fine. I’m FINE. Help Brian’. She knew there was nothing she could have done differently as she really had her hands full at the time. 

Soon the ambulance arrived. She’d guessed right, it was the girl. She could hear the paramedics shout out her condition. “Chest wound, tension pneumothorax, internal bleeding, she’s going into shock”. 

Anita didn’t get to see the others arrive because a security guard had approached her after the girl was taken away and handed her a blanket. He asked her to come with him. “You best wash and get new clothes ma’am”. 

He led her away and gave her a washcloth and a towel and set of scrubs to wear and showed her to the restroom where she was able to wash. She was shocked when she looked at her reflection. That was the first time she paid attention to her own appearance. Her hands and clothes were covered in blood stains. It was everywhere. Under her nails, in her hair, face, neck, the straps of her bra. The knees of her jeans were soaked, It had gotten on her socks too. 

Daniel had been right about Brian having a ruptured spleen. He had attempted to slow the bleeding by clamping forceps onto the lienal artery but there was still some bleeding. Daniel literally held his spleen the whole flight while the paramedics managed the IVF and incubation, she whispered relaxing words in his ear as if he could hear her.  She honestly didn't know how the poor boy was still alive when they brought him in.

When she came out of the bathroom, Becky and Erin were waiting for her. 

“Security said you were here,"  Becky told her. "listen, we need to talk before you go back to the waiting room. The FBI has taken over. They have the list and they are in charge now. But we’re not talking about the case with anyone. There is a major operation in the making. The info Swanson sent in was pretty extensive, not only locally. It’s big. So it goes without saying that no news of this can get out until they say so."

"We all need to give a statement later," Erin added. " But to the outside, your story is that you were one of the first to the scene of the bus accident. Just to brief you, a bus blew a tire and flipped on its side on I-79 north of Pittsburgh, that story is real, happened about the same time, we tweaked the numbers and the media was told our kids were involved. The only people who know any different are our team, the paramedics and medical teams directly involved. If you need to be somewhere, we can help you get there but it’s best if you stay… for your safety mostly. We can’t be too safe. The list has members of the police and other influential people. 

"Why the hell would I have gone on a drive out of state in the middle of the night after double work shift, no one's gonna believe me. And I'd rather not lie to my grandparents" 

Noticing the two young women's insecure looks and not wanting to add to the cluster of problems they were already facing she quickly added, "But there are different ways to tell the truth so don't worry. This is too important. I'm staying. I'll tell my coworkers I have a secret lover in Pittsburgh…"  ...or something, she thought to herself, because really, it wasn't something she had to figure out now. Explanations could wait, it was still early, no one would miss her for at least an hour.

"Samantha is on her way bringing Hunter in,” Becky explained. "It would be good if you could go stay with him for a bit, none of us are gonna be able to… we have our hands full with the media. Imagine if they knew the truth though... and one more thing..." they exchanged looks, and Erin reached into her pocket.

"I'm told that sometimes blood samples get mixed up in the laboratory...'' She handed a bag with two blood samples to Anita. "Valery gave me this. Apparently there's a chance a certain someone might get asked to prove he hadn't been drinking before performing a surgery. "Obviously", I have no idea who she was talking about… but I guess you can give this to Daniel… if he thinks he might need it..."

For the love of Jesus, Mary and Kurt Cobain… well given the circumstances, this was minor, Anita thought. She'd been awake for more than 24 hours, she really needed to find coffee...

-     - -

She got off the elevator and stepped out on the terrace where she found Daniel sitting with his legs up on the small table smoking a cigarette. She asked if he’d share it with her.

“What? Did you run out of your own special brand…” he teasingly asked her.

She gave him a 'Really Daniel?' look. She was really beyond tired and not in the mood for joking. So was he. She handed him the bag Erin had given her. He gave her a questioning look. "I believe it's an alcohol free blood sample. Someone thought you might need it."

They finished the cigarette in silence.

“Cigarettes are bad for you” she said as she took the last drag. “You’re right, I should give you more of mine”. They both chuckled but then turned somber. It was time to face reality.

“Sorry about that stupid comment earlier, I'm acting up.. I'm keeping myself together by holding on to every little good memory there is, hey... come here babe, let me hold you… we're all shocked by this. Shit almighty...”  

“Tell me” she said. 

Daniel let out a deep breath and frowned. 

“He made it through surgery. As much as they yelled at me for my freestyle surgery skills we agree it bought him time. We lost him… twice. The rupture on his spleen was substantial but they used the rivet technique and it seems to work... looks like the bleeding stopped for now anyway. He was nearly dry… and he’s O neg… the blood bank didn’t have much of his type but they have called in some donors. He’s really low still.

But… ahh there is so much more. His liver is enlarged, he’s yellow. The lab is testing him but I don’t need to see the results to know that he’s in trouble. And that’s just the tip of it. He’s been sexually and physically assaulted, I can’t even imagine… It's beyond my understanding how he was even conscious when we arrived. His fingers are so messed up, cuts and bruises all over. He’s severely underweight. He has a tough road ahead of him physically as well as mentally. 

“The other one, I don’t know. He's still in surgery. It doesn’t look good. They said they're gonna  remove parts of his skull bone to relieve the pressure. He has a high fever and his spleen is severely inflated but at least it’s intact. Brian said he had been sick, it's probably mononucleosis. They're probably gonna need to induce a coma for some days.

The others… the girl did amazing. She snapped right back with the decompression and is off the ventilator already, sleeping, but she’ll stay in the ICU. The wound isn’t as bad as it looked, she probably doesn’t even need a transfusion. The boy, I was told you saw him. He's physically better off… but he too has been abused. They are all malnourished and underweight. They need further testing, STD and so on… I imagine they’re all gonna need a lot of help psychologically…"

Anita dried her tears. “This is so horrendous. It’s.. how?… poor babies…  I'm just so... MAD at the people who did this to them... I wish there was something more I could do... Anita whispered. 

“Well, I need to go to work soon. The morning has been even more busy over at Shady with most of the passengers from the bus going there… Shit… I can’t stay here much longer. But if you can… I’m sure it will be appreciated. There are never enough volunteers and you know at least a little bit of what they’ve been going through. I don't think any of them have relatives here... and the staff sure isn’t gonna go sit with them, we both know that they don’t have time. This isn’t Grey’s Anatomy. They’re gonna need a lot of help…” Daniel sighed. 

"Yeah…" Anita rose and started to go back inside “I… I’m going back in there, I need to see if I can help in any way… yeah… maybe I can ask for some time off from work...”

“Will you marry me?” he interrupted her.

She stopped in her tracks. Did he just propose?

“Excuse me... What did you just say?”

“You heard me” he said staring at her with an amused look 

“Uhhh... you’re already married, Daniel, to someone else.”

"We're separated” 

“Well... you... Ahh.. I never... I mean... I like being single.... I don't want to be tied down and... “ Anita had to stop to breathe, “and besides...”

“Besides?” he prodded.

“Besides... eh... I'm...” she stumbled over her words.

“Having problems constructing a sentence?” he grinned, it was so much fun seeing her off balance like that.

“You’re a cheating, unreliable son of a bitch, you’re a inbred workaholic, you risk your life in your spare time... and if I remember correctly you once told me you never wanted to get married” he was just being impossible.

“And yet I did, didn’t I? And you’re right I am all that. But I'm also a soon to be single, very handsome, highly intelligent man with a demanding job and way too much money on my hands. I like beautiful people, I don't prefer one gender to the other. Don't get me wrong though, I've also always wanted to get into your pants... again...” he winked at her wickedly, “and by the way you do like being tied down… or up... if I recall correctly… and so do I…”  

Focus. 

“Hear me out Anita, I know that I fucked up… and I hurt you and I’m sorry for that. Barbie and I got married for all the wrong reasons... but that's not why I’m asking you to marry me, I don't want to limit myself either… not that I think we’ll ever do that to each other... It’s just that...” 

He took a deep breath.

“...these kids could do a lot worse than having a brilliant doctor and a sexy nurse as caretakers. And your grandparents have that farm with plenty of space, but they are too old to be granted their care. And you are the only supremely hot and intelligent woman I know who’d feel comfortable in an open marriage. And we're soulmates, obviously, so it makes perfect sense.”

“Da...” Anita was at a loss of words but what he was suggesting was nothing short of brilliant. 

“Is that a yes?” he licked his bottom lip and bit it a little bit in a feeble attempt to hide his smirk.

She couldn’t deny she was caught off guard. But it made perfect sense. As much as Daniel had confused her in the past, this wasn’t about her. This was about a group of teenagers desperately in need of a new start in life. 

“Yes.”  

“I do love you, you know,” he said and now there was no way he could control his smile. 

Dr. Wright stood up, all six feet two inches of him, walked in secure steps to the beautiful blue eyed nurse never losing eye contact, pulled her in and kissed her heavenly sweet lips…   ~ The end ~ 

Yeah. Cheap paperback novel. All. The. Way. 

Except that it wasn’t, he also thought. This was real life. Unfair, painful, confusing, exhausting, crazy life. It was what it was. And they had to at least try to help and maybe they could make a difference. 

"So, Mrs Right, before we plan our ridiculously romantic summer wedding… are you ready to fight for them?" 

“No... but let's do it anyway.” 

-----------