Chapter 1

Brian leaned back in his seat in first class and looked out of the window at the clouds, sighing deeply. He was 30 minutes into his flight to Pittsburgh and in another hour he would be back in the city that held so many good memories, but also so many bad memories for him.

'Not going there,' Brian chided himself, turning away from the window and looking at the laptop monitor in front of him. He looked at some boring spreadsheet filled with numbers, hoping that it would distract him and would keep his mind from wandering where he didn't want it to wander.

He had just finished a three year contract with Kennedy and Collins in New York and while he had enjoyed the challenge of making it in a big ad firm on Madison Avenue – and of course he had made it and had quickly become one of their most trusted and successful advertising execs – it was now time to try something new and spread his wings a little further. It was time to find something new to sink his teeth into and he was now looking into opening his own agency. While he felt excited and ready for this big step, he also felt scared. It would be the first time in 3 years that he would go back to Pittsburgh.

At first he had even thought about going somewhere completely new. Maybe LA or Chicago and try to build his new agency in one of those cities that he hadn't conquered yet, but then he had to admit to himself that that wasn't really what he wanted. While he wasn't sure what he really wanted, or maybe he was sure and just wasn't ready to admit it to himself yet, he was sure that LA and Chicago weren't what he wanted now. Just like he didn't want to start his own agency in New York. He had enjoyed his time in the Big Apple and it had been a great experience, both personally as well as professionally, but when it had been time to make a decision, the decision to return to Pittsburgh had come surprisingly easy. And it wasn't like Pittsburgh held no bad memories for him at all.

'No, not going there,' Brian chided himself once more, trying even harder to concentrate on the spreadsheet in front of him and willing himself to just concentrate on the numbers and stop thinking about things he didn't want to think about.

It wasn't like he hadn't been back to Pittsburgh at all in the last three years. Ever since he had started with Kennedy and Collins, he had been back quite regularly to meet with some local clients. Kennedy and Collins had assigned him to their Pennsylvania clients as they claimed that he would be familiar with their needs and all, seeing how he was a local. He had mostly only ever flown in, done the meeting, stayed in some anonymous, big hotel for the night before going back to New York the next day. He had never stayed for longer than 24 hours at the most and during those hours he had been so busy with meetings and stuff that there just had been no time to think about any of those bad memories at all, for which Brian had been grateful at the time.

But now? Now he would be going back to Pittsburgh and for the first time in three years he would have time. Of course, he would still have to do some work on getting his agency started, but until the building that he wanted for his agency would be completely renovated, which was scheduled to be done in six weeks time, he would have time off and that would give him a lot of time to think about stuff he had tried to push from his mind for three years now.

'Damn, not going there!' Brian told himself once more, now getting slightly angry at himself for not being able to stop his thoughts from wandering where he didn't want them to wander. Thank God Michael would be there to pick him up at the airport and would distract him and keep him busy. At least Brian hoped so.

Brian would stay with Michael and his partner Ben in their house for the next two weeks until all his stuff from New York would arrive in Pittsburgh and then he would busy himself getting his new house ready. He had bought it a couple of months ago and was actually looking forward to making it his new home and he was looking forward to busying himself with unpacking boxes even more, knowing that it would keep him busy for at least a week or two, keeping him from thinking too much.

He was secretly glad that Michael had offered to have him stay with him and his partner not that Brian would ever admit it. Michael hadn't wanted Brian to live in an empty house with hardly any furniture and comfortable things there and had balked when Brian had suggested to move into a hotel until his stuff from New York would arrive in Pittsburgh. Brian had finally accepted the offer to stay with Michael, thinking that maybe it would actually be nice to get to spend some time with his best friend. Not that he would ever let Michael know that. When Michael had offered to let him stay, Brian had complained, bitched and moaned as had been expected of him, but in the end had given in, knowing that Michael wouldn't let him stay in a hotel anyway. And Brian was secretly glad for it. Even though he had claimed not to have looked back after he had left for New York, he had missed his friends and his strange Liberty Avenue family while he had been in New York. He would never tell them of course, but Brian was secretly glad to be back in the same city as Michael, Debbie and his sonny boy.

And he was really looking forward to spending some time with his son. It had been months since he had last seen Gus on a visit to Pittsburgh and he couldn't wait to see the little boy again, to listen to his excited squeals and laughter and to enjoy his good mood and just to be able to play with him and enjoy his presence. He loved his son and it was a pity that he didn't get to spend more time with him, so he would make the most of the weeks he would be staying with Michael and wouldn't have to work yet. It would give him time to reconnect with his old friends and his sonny boy.

Brian wondered at times if Michael might not only have asked him to stay with him and Ben because Brian's furniture would still be travelling to Pittsburgh, but also because he was slightly worried about Brian. Brian wasn't a fool and neither was Michael, even though he sometimes did a great job of pretending to be one and Brian knew that Michael had to be worried about Brian moving back to Pittsburgh. Michael had been there before when Brian had lived in Pittsburgh and had seen it all. The good and the bad and Brian wondered if Michael might have offered to let him stay in his house for a few weeks and have him stay with him and his partner, so he could keep an eye on Brian and check that he was okay. That he wasn't going back to his wicked ways of tricking, drinking and taking drugs.

Looking into himself, Brian wasn't even able to say for sure if he was okay or not. A lot of things had happened in recent weeks and his mind had been in a turmoil ever since he had made the decision to leave Kennedy and Collins and had known that he would go back to Pittsburgh. He couldn't really blame Michael for worrying.

'It is different,' Brian told himself, breathing in deeply, trying to push that worry aside. 'I am older, I've grown up and I am at a different place in my life. Clients will come. Hell, I even have my first account and will start working on it as soon as the office is set up. I am not going to lose myself. I will have to focus on the agency' He said to himself, surprised to see someone turning in his direction and frowning at him. 'Great, now I am even starting to speak to myself on a plane. So much for doing well, Kinney!'

Brian looked out of the window once more and thought back to the time he had lived in Pittsburgh before. He had been so young and had just finished his education and had started working at Ryder Advertising. He had ridden an euphoric high after becoming their youngest ad exec ever and had dreamed of all the doors that would open to him. At the same time he had worked on his personal image and had quickly become the Stud of Liberty Avenue. Every fag in Pittsburgh had wanted him and had wanted to be him. Everyone had envied him and he had lived a life of party, drugs and meaningless sex until... that one night under the streetlamp when he had met...

'No, not going there. Definitely not going there!'

He had continued with his life as normal, claiming that he didn't do love, relationships or any of that lesbionic shit all of his friends had started to look for and had continued to live his life as the Stud just as he had always done. Not quite, but... he had tried. His friends had all claimed that they could see through him and knew that he wasn't as cold and heartless as he had claimed to be, but he had tried to keep the image alive, no matter what. No matter how much it might have hurt the people... the one person that had really cared... no, not going there, Brian chided himself once more.

Brian had always had self-destructive tendencies, even as a teen, which really wasn't a surprise with how he had been raised and how he had grown up. He had loved the life of drinks, drugs and meaningless sex and if it meant an early death... well... all the greats had died young. He hadn't cared. Michael, Lindsay, Debbie... Justin... they had cared. But he himself hadn't. Not until he had gone to New York and lots of new opportunities had presented themselves to him. Suddenly he wasn't stuck in Pittsburgh any longer, suddenly he had New York at his feet and for that he needed to be focused, he needed to be at the top of his game. With time he had realised that his life in New York mostly consisted of work. Yes, he still went out occasionally, but definitely not as much as he had gone out in Pittsburgh. And really? It was only half as much fun to go out when people didn't consider him the Stud and the best thing since sliced bread. And he would never admit it to anyone, but he had also missed his friends. Going out wasn't nearly as much fun if he didn't have Emmett and Ted to make fun of, if he didn't have Michael to hang on to every word that came out of his mouth or if he didn't have Justin who had adored him as if he was a God walking the earth.

His life in New York had become pretty boring compared to his life in Pittsburgh and Michael was probably the only one of his friends who had seen through the facade and through the image Brian had tried to create of his life in New York. Michael had probably realised that most of Brian's oh so fantastic tales of conquests and drunken nights out weren't all that true and that his life wasn't all that he had tried to portray to his friends back in Pittsburgh.

Therefore Brian wasn't really surprised that Michael might be worried about him. He had watched him go down the self-destructive path of being the Stud of Liberty Avenue before and Brian couldn't blame him for worrying that he might fall back into that role again, now that he was returning to his old haunts in Pittsburgh.

'And now I don't even have Justin to anchor me like I had before,' Brian thought to himself, looking down at his hands, slowly starting to realise that no matter how much he didn't want to think those thoughts, they were invading his mind anyway.

Back then he had been in a non-relationship with Justin. The boy had been in love with him and Brian had liked the attention and his company. And if he was honest with himself, he had also liked the boy. Not that he had loved him, but over the time he had been in New York, Brian had started to realise how much he actually missed Justin. He had never realised before how Justin had been the only one in his group of friends who hadn't fallen for his bullshit and had always spoken his mind, no matter if Brian liked to hear it or not. The boy had had balls and had come after Brian, no matter how often Brian had told him that he wasn't interested. Which Brian knew had been a lie. He had been interested. Not in the picked fences and true love that the boy had been looking for, but in having someone by his side who stood up to him, challenged him and didn't just treat him like the Stud. Now he didn't have Justin in his life at all, didn't have anyone who would challenge him and contradict him if he did stupid shit. He hadn't talked to him once in the last three years, ever since that fateful day in the summer three years ago when he had found out that he had gotten the job in New York. The day it had all gone so wrong and had been the last time he had talked to Justin before the boy's heart had been broken into pieces and had been trampled upon by the very person that was supposed to look out for him. Justin had only been 17 at the time. Brian had been the adult and by now he had realised that it would have been his job to look out for the boy, even though he had never wanted that responsibility. Justin's mother and Debbie had been right though, he had taken the boy into his home, he had fucked him. And not only once. Over and over. He had given him hope when he should have been the adult and should have made sure the boy would be safe from people like him.

Knowing that fighting against it was futile, Brian finally allowed his thoughts to wander back to that fateful day. A day he hadn't thought about a lot in these last three years, the memory having been too painful to deal with.

“We're going to move to New York!“ Justin exclaimed once he had watched Brian hang up the phone, enveloping Brian in a crushing hug.

Brian looked at Justin with a raised eyebrow, giving voice to his confusion. “We are?” He asked, putting his hands on Justin's chest.

“Yes, we are. You got the job! You will be moving and I can't believe it... God, it will be so exciting. You and me in New York. All the museums and art schools there. All the colleges and universities... It's going to be fantastic!” Justin exclaimed, excitement showing in every fibre of his body and on his face. It was easy to see that he was beyond happy about this news and Brian could only wonder why.

“I will be moving,” Brian said, turning away from Justin and walking towards the kitchen island, picking up the bottle of water he had left there earlier before his phone had rung and Kennedy and Collins had confirmed that he had the position. “Who said anything about you?”

Justin eyed him from confused eyes. “What do you mean?”

“What I just said. I will be moving to New York. Who said anything about you?” Brian's voice sounded harsher than he had intended for, but really? What had Justin been thinking? That they were boyfriends and would be moving together? What the fuck? They had sex. That was it.

“But... you're... you're leaving me behind here?” Justin slowly began to realise what Brian was saying and looked at him from hurt eyes.

“We're not boyfriends, married or whatever else you think in that lesbionic head of yours. We had sex. That's it. I have a new job in New York and I will move and then I will have sex with other people there while you will continue going to school here and making your mommy and daddy happy and proud parents.”

“You... you can't just leave me here on my own,” Justin gasped, looking at Brian from wide eyes. “Where am I supposed to go? Where am I supposed to live? I can't go home...”

“That's really not my problem, is it? I told you before: We're not lovers, we're not married. You're not my responsibility. I am sure Debbie would only be too happy to have you stay with her.”

“And what about us?” Justin asked as the first tear ran down his cheek.

“Us? There is no us... Get that into your head. We had sex. That's it.”

“No... no... that's not it. I love you! I love you, Brian,” Justin was now pleading with the older man to realise what he was saying and he didn't care how pathetic it made him look. How could Brian say it was only sex? “And... you had sex with me more than once... That means something... You... you let me stay here... you care about me!”

“I felt sorry for you. And you have a great ass. Who would say no to a convenient piece of ass at his disposal? I am not an idiot, so definitely not me,” Brian didn't know what had made him say that, but the moment the words had left his mouth, he realised how he had gone too far. Those words had been too cruel. He didn't know what had made him say it, but he regretted the words the moment they left his mouth. Maybe... Maybe he was lashing out at Justin because the boy was right? No, definitely not. There was nothing between them but sex and it was about time the boy understood that.

Justin gasped and stumbled back at Brian's words as if he had been physically hit. “You don't mean that. I... I know you care about me, Brian.” Tears were no running down the boy's face and he looked at Brian in utter disbelief. “Why are you saying this?”

“Justin, get it into your head: You are NOT my boyfriend! I don't do boyfriends. I don't do relationships. I fuck and yes, I fucked you more than once, but really... it doesn't mean anything more than what it was. We fucked. And now I will be moving away to New York and we won't fuck anymore. End of story!”

“But I love you, Brian. You can't just leave me behind...I love you...,” Justin pleaded as the tears ran down his face.

“You don't know what love is. You're too young. You think you have to follow this hetero-normative bullshit idea of a relationship, picked fences and 2.4 children. Well, good luck with that. Maybe one day you'll find someone to play that role in your life, but it sure as hell won't be me. I have other goals in life.”

Justin angrily wiped away the tears on his face and just stared at Brian. “What about Gus?”

“What about him?” Brian asked, taking another sip from his water.

“You're just going to abandon him like you're abandoning me?

“I am not abandoning him. I am a sperm donor, nothing more. He has his mothers that will take care of him and will raise him.”

“And that's it?” Justin just stared at Brian in utter disbelief. “You love him. He's your son!”

“He is Lindsay's and Melanie's son. I am just the sperm donor. He will be alright.”

“How can you just abandon your own son?”

“I am not abandoning him. I was never supposed to be in his life anyway. So nothing will change for him.”

“What is wrong with you?” Justin looked at Brian as if he was looking at a stranger. “Why are you acting like this?”

“Acting? Sunshine, wake up. I am not acting. I have been offered a far better job than I have now. An opportunity I would be stupid not to take. I am sorry if you thought our sex meant more than it did, but it didn't. What do you expect me to do? To let this opportunity slip away because of some blond boy ass? Justin, we're speaking about my career here. Breaking the New York advertising market. This is a huge opportunity. I am not going to throw that away for some convenient fuck.”

“Or your own flesh and blood. Fuck you, Brian. Just fuck you!” Justin angrily stomped to the metal sliding door and pulled it open. “You are an asshole. And you are lying to yourself. I hope that one day you will wake up all alone and lonely and will realise what you could have had here in Pittsburgh.”

Brian just raised an eyebrow and snarked. “A life with you and my son in a two-storey house in a nice suburb? Kill me now!”

“You claim you hate all that, but if you would only allow yourself to open your eyes to what you really want, you would see that you are not so different from anyone else, Brian. But you're a coward! Too much of a coward to be honest with yourself!”

With that Justin stomped out of the loft and slammed the metal sliding door shut behind himself, leaving Brian on his own in the empty loft.

That had been the last time Brian had seen Justin. The boy hadn't shown up for Brian's farewell party which Michael had organised for him even though he had threatened to disembowel him if he did. He also hadn't seen the boy at Debbie's, at the diner or at Babylon afterwards. Justin had disappeared from his life that day and at the time Brian had been okay with that. It had been for the best for the boy to move on from his silly crush.

Over the course of the three years he had been in New York, Brian had often thought back to that conversation and how it had ended and he had often asked himself if maybe he had been too harsh. Maybe he had been too hurtful. Maybe Justin was right and there had been more between them than Brian had been ready to admit to himself. After all, Brian could honestly say to himself now that he had missed Justin's company and yes, he had also missed that ass. No matter how many nameless tricks he had fucked, no one had compared to Justin. Not a single one.

***

“Hey, good to see that you made it here safely,” Michael greeted Brian, engulfing him in a warm hug as he came into the arrivals hall.

“Yeah, took that bloody plane long enough,” Brian grumbled, thinking to himself that it had taken too long. The flight had been long enough to make him think about things he hadn't wanted to think about and he just wanted to get out of the airport, hoping that getting to Michael's place would occupy his thoughts and keep them away from going back to that day in the summer three years ago. “Let's get out of here, okay?”

Michael frowned, looked at Brian and for the first time realised how tired and exhausted he looked. “Are you okay? You look knackered.”

“Long flight, shitty dude sitting next to me. The usual. I just want to get somewhere nice and friendly, preferably with some drinks waiting for me,” Brian winked, trying his best to look nonchalantly about it.

Michael eyed him critically, wondering if that was really all there was to it, but he didn't get a lot of time to think about it, because Brian already moved towards the exit. Michael followed quickly behind him.

“Ben is really looking forward to having you stay with us,” Michael said next, trying to change the topic, for now believing Brian that he was just suffering from the flight.

“I bet,” Brian snarked, then settled into the passenger seat and watched as Michael drove away from the airport and towards his house.

Chapter 2

3 months later

When Brian returned back to Pittsburgh after having gone to New York to meet with a very demanding client, he was glad to be back home. He had only been able to live in his house for three weeks before he had to go and take a business trip to Chicago and afterwards he had gone to New York right away to meet that demanding client and all the time he had just wanted to come back and make this new house his home.

He had had two rather enjoyable weeks with Michael and Ben and just as he had expected, he had been so busy seeing Gus, hanging out with Michael and the guys and getting his new office ready that he hadn't had any chance to think about any unwelcome topics at all for which he had been glad.

Then the container with all his things from New York had arrived in Pittsburgh and he had been able to move into his new house and he had been busy unpacking boxes, putting away things and decorating his new home before he had left for the business trip to Chicago which had been so hectic that he didn't have much time to think either.

Right after that he had gone to New York, which had really been the first time since that original flight from New York to Pittsburgh where he had really had the time to think again. On his days off and during breaks in his schedule thoughts about Pittsburgh and memories of how he and Justin had ended had entered his mind again and again and at first those memories had been unwelcome. Brian had worked hard to push them aside these last three years, not wanting the image of the blond heartbroken and in pain to come at him again.

He could still remember how Debbie had shown up at his loft hours after Justin had left and had read him the riot act for how he had treated her Sunshine. He could still remember how he hadn't cared back then, but with time, over the last three years... well, that had changed. Back then however, Brian had kindly kicked Debbie out of his loft and had continued preparing his move to New York. His relationship with Debbie had never been the same after that and it had been years since he had last seen her. She had been that angry with him when he had seen her last.

And then he had left for New York where the first weeks had been hell. He had been all alone in a place that was unknown to him, working with people he had only met shortly before, missing his friends and family more than he ever had before and more than he liked to admit to himself and them. It had also been strange to be a complete unknown in the gay scene and to not be considered THE stud any longer. In New York no one could have cared less about his status in Pittsburgh. As far as the New York fags had been concerned, he had been a nobody.

But he had quickly found what one might consider friends in the company and the clubs he frequented and had gotten closer to them and spending time with them had helped him put his bad mood behind him, had helped him move on from his life in Pittsburgh.

So when thoughts about Justin had started to invade his mind again and again while he had been on his business trip in New York, Brian had been worried that they would only pull him down and would also mean a return of all the feelings he had thought he had put behind him, but after he had allowed thoughts of Justin and that day they had ended to enter his mind more and more, he had slowly realised that they didn't necessarily bring back all the emotions he had been scared of over the years, but instead mostly brought sadness. Sadness because Brian hadn't just lost a lover, but also a friend. Something he had only realised much later, once he had lived in New York for quite some time already.

Justin had been his friend. Justin had been by his side, had supported him, had believed in him and had known him better than his other friends ever could. Justin had always looked right through him and even though Brian might not have liked that, the boy had been able to see right through all the bullshit. He had been smart, funny and Brian had enjoyed his company even when they hadn't been fucking. The more he thought about Justin, the more he realised that he really missed his friendship. He didn't necessarily think that he also missed his love, he just missed Justin's presence in his life. After weeks of thinking about that fateful day three years ago and how they had ended, Brian had finally come to the conclusion that he would go and contact Justin now that he was back in Pittsburgh. Maybe they could meet for a beer and could catch up.

Brian didn't even know if Justin had found a new boyfriend or not, he didn't even know if Justin was still in Pittsburgh or not and with a bang he had realised that he didn't know anything about Justin at all anymore, basically having cut off his friends every time they had wanted to talk to him about Justin which had been quite often. Especially Michael and Emmett had been insistent on bringing up Justin again and again and Brian couldn't blame them. Michael had been his best friend ever since they had been teenagers and with his mother seeing Justin as yet another son of hers, she had probably been on his back a lot to get Brian to talk about Justin. But Michael's need to talk about Justin had gotten so bad, that at one point Brian had even threatened to never talk to him again should he ever bring up Justin again. Brian had made it clear that the boy had just been a fuck and nothing more and he didn't care if the family considered him more, he hadn't been more to Brian. Thankfully Michael hadn't brought up the topic of Justin ever again after that. Like most of his friends hadn't after Brian had made it clear that he had no intention of talking about Justin ever again at all.

He had known that he had been childish and also unfair towards his friends, but at the time he had felt like it was the right thing to do, but now he cursed himself for that decision. Maybe they could have met a long time ago and could have talked. It wasn't like Justin was still pining for Brian or still loved him after all. Brian was pretty sure he had closed that door once and for all on that day three years ago. By now Justin had probably moved on from his heartbreak and had fallen in love again. Brian felt ready to at least try and contact Justin to see how he was doing.

He had made the decision to bring Justin up when Michael would be coming over in a couple of days for a boys night out as he called it. He was sure that Michael or at least Debbie were still meeting with Justin every once in a while and Brian would just ask him to give Justin a message then and maybe Justin would agree to a meeting.

***

“Look, there's something I wanted to talk to you about,” Brian started, continuing when he was sure that he had Michael's attention. “I've been thinking about getting in contact with Justin and seeing if he might be interested in meeting for a drink or something.”

Michael's eyes just widened and he looked at Brian strangely. “What?”

“I...in recent weeks I've thought a lot about how we ended for a lack of a better word and...I haven't talked to him ever since that day I told him I would move to New York on my own, but...we used to be friends...I kinda miss that friendship and I wondered if maybe...I don't know, we could try and get it back, you know?” Brian went on, watching as Michael's face contorted in pain.

“Oh Brian...,” Michael started, looking at Brian in what Brian could only define as pity.

“What? It's not like I love him or still want to fuck him or anything, it's just that...I don't know...I thought we could meet for a coffee and catch up for a bit. Try and be friends...I don't want to fuck him anymore. I am past that...just, I don't know...try and get back to how things used to be, right?” Brian tried to smile, knowing that Michael would go for that, frowning when he didn't and only looked even sadder.

Michael sat down next to Brian and took his hand, squeezing it gently. “It's too late for that.”

“Huh?” Brian frowned, not understanding what Michael meant. “Too late?”

Michael sighed deeply and then looked at Brian intently, speaking in a voice that held a hint of coldness, but at the same time was trying to be gentle for Brian. “Justin...he's...he's not the same Justin anymore that you knew. He's changed and...it's too late, Brian,” Michael ended, watching the emotions on his friend's face, all the time holding his hand. “We've lost him, Brian.”

Chapter 3

Brian lay on his bed and looked at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to come and claim him, but knowing that it would still be a long time until he would find some semblance of peace. His mind was in a turmoil and his thoughts were running wildly in his head and he just couldn't seem to calm down and get some rest.

Ever since Michael had told him what he had meant by the words 'We've lost him, Brian.', he had felt confused and surprised and most of all disbelieving. It just couldn't be. Not Justin. No way!

He had known Justin for almost a year when he had moved away, had been fucking him regularly for months, knew him better than anyone else in their group of friends or at least he had thought so and what Michael had told him earlier that night just didn't make any sense because it went against everything that Brian had ever known about or believed to know about Justin.

And yet he believed Michael. Michael had no reason to lie to him and wouldn't do so. Michael was his best friend and suddenly Brian understood why Michael and Emmett had wanted to talk about Justin so often, why they had mentioned the blond so many times. They had wanted Brian's help, had wanted Brian to help them and the other members of their Liberty Avenue family to get Justin to turn away from that road he had been on, but Brian had been too immersed in his own life in New York to even care about anyone but himself and now he felt guilty, wondering if it would have made any difference if he had known earlier and had been able to talk to Justin before things had gotten this far.

He sighed, turned onto his side and looked out of the window at the night sky over Pittsburgh, seeing the moon, wondering how Justin was doing and where he was staying that night. After all that Michael had told him, Brian just hoped that he was somewhere safe and was okay.

“Lost him? What do you mean?” Brian asked, looking at Michael, urging him to explain what he had meant with that sentence.

“Brian...there's no easy way of telling you this, so...I am just going to tell you in one go, okay?”

“What is going on here, Michael? Is he okay?” Brian asked, suddenly fearing that something might have happened to Justin. But he would have found out about that, wouldn't he?

“No, Brian. He's not. Far from it,” Michael replied, looking at Brian, feeling for his friend while at the same time feeling even more anger towards Justin for having made the decisions he had made.

“He's not?” Brian's eyes widened and he urged Michael to go on and tell him what was going on.

“Justin...like I said...he's changed and...he's not the same Justin anymore that we knew...After you two ended things...he shut out everybody and...he stopped answering our calls and meeting with us and...he would start to hang out with new people, friends from the art scene he claimed, but Brian...those were bad guys. And...he's become addicted to drugs, Brian. All kinds of drugs and...he's been for a long time now,” Michael explained and watched as Brian tried to take it in.

“What? No...no,” Brian just muttered, shaking his head. “Justin would never do drugs. He doesn't do drugs. He despises drugs and... his allergies.”

“Looks like he changed his mind on that one...At first it started with drinking a lot and weed and...we thought he might be headed into a depression after you had moved away, but then...he started using harder stuff as well and...last time I heard from him, he pretty much used every drug he could get his hands on. And I mean every drug, Brian. He's been doing heroine, cocaine...I've seen him do crack, pills...whatever he can get his hands on, he takes it...,” Michael went on explaining, the coldness never leaving his voice. “He isn't Justin anymore. There's nothing left of him in the person he's become now.”

“No...that doesn't make any sense...not Justin...,” Brian only muttered again, looking at Michael, pleading with him to tell him that he had just played a cruel practical joke on Brian.

“I am sorry, Brian, but...it is what it is...He's a druggy now. Addicted to whatever he can get his hands on.”

“No,” Brian only repeated. “Debbie would have never allowed him to. She would have kicked his ass from here to tomorrow if she had found out that he had even as much as smoked weed with me,” Brian said, remembering well how she had loved Justin like another son and would have never let him go down that road.

“Ma lost touch with Justin long ago. Last I heard he tried to break into her house to steal money a year ago so he could get more money for drugs. Luckily, she had installed an alarm and that scared him off.”

“What? Justin would never...he loves her! He would never...,” Brian looked beyond shocked at what Michael had just said and slowly got up, stumbling over to the kitchen where he made it to the sink just in time and threw up.

Michael followed him, gently patting his back as Brian emptied his stomach into the sink, speaking to him quietly. “Haven't you heard anything about him in the last three years, Brian? From anyone?You must have heard some stories. When he was arrested?”

Brian only shook his head once he was sure that his stomach was empty and then ran the tap to get some water to rinse his mouth and clean the sink before pulling back and looking at Michael from pained eyes. “He was arrested?”

Michael only nodded, before getting a bottle of water out of the fridge and handing it to Brian, leading him over to the kitchen table and sitting down on the chairs around it.

“DUI's for driving high as a kite, drug use and drug possession and once he ran out of money also theft,” Michael told him.

“He's broke?” Brian asked. For as long as he had known Justin, the boy had wanted to be independent and after the break-in at the loft he had worked long hours at the diner to make his own money and pay Brian back.

“The guys he started to hang out with were a bad influence... let him pay for everything until he ran out of money. He tried to get money from us...stole money...Brian, you have to understand, he's not Justin anymore. He's a completely different person,” Michael said.

“But...why? It doesn't make any sense,” Brian said, looking at Michael from devastated eyes. He might not have loved Justin and they might not even be friends, but Justin had lived in his loft once and to know that someone he had once cared for had turned into a drug addict and criminal got to him and it pained him to know that Justin, who had always been gentle, sweet and nice had changed that much and what pained him even more was that he hadn't even known because he had been off following his professional dream.

“I don't know, Brian. He never really gave us any reason, but...if you want to hear my opinion here...I think he never really got over you.”

“Me? But that's ridiculous. There was never anything between us. We just fucked...,” Brian replied lamely. “Why would that make him change so much?”

“He loved you, Brian and you broke up with him even though he loved you and...I think it broke him to know that he had lost you, his first love, when he loved you so much,” Michael explained what he thought might be a reason.

Brian raised his head and looked at Michael, a question in his eyes. “Why didn't anyone stop him from self-destructing? God knows everyone gave me enough shit about taking drugs all the time...”

“Don't you think I've tried? Don't you think we've all tried? Me, Emmett, Ted, Ma, his mother...everyone talked to him, pleaded with him to listen to our concerns and...when things got way out of hand...we staged interventions...Brian, we forced him to go to rehab twice and I know that Ma and Emmett tried once more. The longest he ever stayed was a day. Then he ran off again. He didn't want our help and...,” Michael took a deep breath, his voice getting even colder when he continued. “At one point or another he just managed to piss off everyone who ever cared about him and people gave up on him, knowing that he was a lost cause. He's beyond help, Brian! Sad as it is...”

“You're just going to let him self-destruct until he dies? From an overdose or something worse?” Brian asked incredulously, looking at Michael wide-eyed.

“Brian, he doesn't want our help! We tried all we could. All of us...damn, we tried tying him down, for god's sake...”

Brian nodded slowly before he got up from his chair and paced the kitchen, his face a mixture of pain, disbelief, sadness and deep desperation. “Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't anyone bloody tell me?” He turned to Michael, glaring at him. “Why didn't you bloody tell me about any of this?”

Michael rose from his chair as well and pointed his finger in Brian's direction. “Don't you dare get angry with me for that one, Brian! I tried! I tried talking to you about Justin again and again. You were the one that threatened to end our friendship and to never talk to me again should I ever bring up Justin again. That was you! You made it clear to all of us that you didn't care about anything concerning him.”

“But...but...this...,”Brian stuttered, looking around helplessly.

“And honestly, Brian? I thought you knew...I mean...I thought you would have stayed in contact with him or his friend. That curly-haired girl...”

“Why didn't you force me to listen when you wanted to tell me? You could have, you know you could!”

“And then? What would you have done, Brian? You were an hour and a half away in New York working on your career. What could you have possibly done that we couldn't do right here in Pittsburgh?” Michael angrily retorted, not liking that Brian was now accusing him and the others of just having allowed Justin to go down that road. They had tried, they had tried all they could, but Justin hadn't wanted their help.

“Talk to him. See if I could have got through to him,” Brian started, but was immediately interrupted by Michael.

“He didn't want to see you, Brian. Ma told him several times that she would get you to talk to him and every time he ran off for days on end. The mere thought of you showing up made him run away. At least...at least this way we knew where he was and how he was doing,” Michael defended their decision to not tell Brian and get him to come back to Pittsburgh. “And we worried about you,” he added shortly after, his voice sounding gentle and caring.

“Me?”

“What this would do to you. You have your own past with drugs and everyone knows that you don't do well with guilt… We were scared you might go and blame yourself for his actions... At the time...we just thought that it was better to have you as far away from Justin and his problems as was possible which seemed to suit you just fine. Justin didn't want to see you, but at least we had an idea where he was. Having you come over might have made him run. Maybe that was the wrong decision looking back on it now, but back then we only tried to do what was best for everyone involved. It wasn't an easy decision and Emmett has bought a plane ticket twice to get to New York and get you to come back to Pittsburgh, but in the end...we just thought it was best.”

“And now? How is he doing now?” Brian asked, as he slowed his pacing and stopped in the middle of his kitchen.

“I don't know and quite frankly, I've stopped caring,” Michael spat, surprising Brian with the anger in his voice.

“Mikey?”

“Like I said, Justin managed to piss off all the people that ever cared about him, including me. He can rot in hell for all I care,” Michael angrily exclaimed, making Brian wince.

Brian had never seen Michael that angry and had never seen him talk like that and he had genuinely thought Michael to be the most caring person on this planet, had thought him to be a person who always cared about how others were doing before caring about himself, but seeing Michael like this now shocked Brian to the core.

Brian wondered what had happened between those two and dared to ask the question, but Michael just waved it off.

“It doesn't matter. He knows what he did and I hope he knows better than to ever come near me again.”

Brian just nodded, accepting that reply for now, knowing that Michael was in no mood to give him a decent answer. Maybe he could get Michael to tell him another time what had happened between him and Justin and had made him give up on Justin like that and made him speak about Justin with so much coldness and anger, but that time wouldn't be tonight, Brian knew.

“What a mess,” Brian sighed as he sat down again, looking at Michael, wondering what all he had seen Justin go through and how it had affected him. Michael used to be one of Justin's friends and it had to have hurt him deeply to see someone he cared about change that much in front of his own eyes and not being able to do anything to stop it. And for the first time Brian realised what a shitty friend he had been to Michael these last years. He had only been concerned about his own career and life, not even noticing what Michael was going through.

“I am sorry,” he therefore whispered, surprising Michael and making him raise his head and look at him in confusion.

“For what?”

“I was a shitty friend to you. I only ever made it about me, me, me and...I never even considered that maybe you were going through a hard time as well and...I don't know...I am sorry for that,” Brian explained.

“Don't be. I tried to hide it from you. When you made it clear that you didn't want to know about Justin...well...I guess I kinda accepted that and then just tried even harder to keep it away from you. And...it's not like I didn't have anyone to talk to. Emmett, Ted and I...we talked about it a lot. We kinda became our own support group, I guess,” Michael chuckled humourlessly.

“Still...I never noticed that anything was going on and...I should have...I should have known and...I should have done something,” Brian told him. “I should have at least tried to help him.”

“You couldn't have helped him, Brian He chose this path for himself and...until he realises that it's dangerous and will kill him one day and until he decides for himself that he needs to end this...I don't think there's much either of us can do. As harsh as it might sound.”

And indeed it had sounded harsh and Brian wasn't sure if he agreed with Michael's opinion there, but then again he had known Michael for years, had gotten to know him as a caring, kind, gentle soul who at times cared more for the well-being of his friends than his own and he had no doubt that Michael was telling the truth when he said that they had tried everything possible. Brian wondered what all had gone on to make Michael come to this realisation, a realisation that was so unlike him and didn't fit with anything that Brian knew about his best friend.

Lying there in his bed, watching the moon outside his house, thinking about Justin and all that Michael had told him, Brian couldn't help but wonder if Michael was right. Had Justin's life changed so much because he hadn't been able to get over being left by Brian?

One of the last things Justin had ever said to Brian was that he loved him and Brian wondered if Justin had spoken the truth then and had really loved him. At the time Brian hadn't believed Justin when he had said that he loved him and Brian had thought that Justin was a child and too young to know what love was anyway, but what if Michael was right and Justin had really loved him? What if him leaving for New York had been so hard on Justin and the younger man hadn't been able to get over it? But...it had only been sex. They had only fucked...

Wondering if any of this would also have happened if Brian hadn't moved to New York, he finally fell into a fitfull sleep, images of Justin inserting a needle into his arm haunting his dreams.

Chapter 4

Brian had needed two days to fully wrap his head around all that Michael had told him, two days in which he had gone onto the internet and had for the first time ever gone to GOOGLE, looking for updates on Justin, only seeing there that everything that Michael had said had been the truth. Not that Brian had doubted him, but seeing it for himself, seeing court releases with Justin's name, seeing his mugshot on the police homepage and seeing how much the younger man had changed and what he had changed into broke Brian's heart.

If anyone had told Brian years ago that this would happen to Justin, he would have told them to get a shrink because they were obviously crazy. If anyone had ever been in danger of going down that road, it had been him with his meddling with drugs and alcohol, but not Justin. Justin had been almost completely against drugs all the time that Brian had known him and he had even refused smoking weed with them all in the beginning, saying that drugs weren't his kind of thing and he had only tried a couple of things after Brian had assured him that it would be fine. The hardest thing Justin had been addicted to back then had been cigarettes and Poppers occasionally, but that had been it.

And now? How times had changed. It had always been him who had tried out different drugs and had gone down that dark road, no end in sight, wasting away and fucking away his life.

And now here he was, just coming off a stint in one of the biggest advertising agencies in the world and opening his own, with a career that was about to take off now after everyone had been able to see his work for three years and what had happened to Justin's education? Well, as far as Brian could see there was no education at all. As far as he could see there was nothing Justin had done once Brian had left for New York. Apparently he hadn't used his 1500 SAT score to get into a college anywhere.

Brian wondered what had made all that change and most importantly how it had changed. Why had Justin felt the need to shut out his friends and move on with those new guys that he called his friends? People that according to Michael had only been bad influences. Justin had been such a good judge of character. He had always known how to pick his friends and had prefered to only have a few trusted friends instead of many so called friends that wouldn't really be there for him, but somehow he must have lost that ability along the way.

And one thought always returned to Brian's head, no matter how often he tried not to think about it. 'What if Michael is right and it's all because he didn't get over me? What if this is all my fault?'

Brian had met with Michael the day before and Michael had seen that Brian had seemed very thoughtful and had been very quiet and it had worried him and he had gotten Brian to talk about what was on his mind and when Brian had voiced his thoughts, Michael had immediately pushed them aside, getting quite angry with Brian for even thinking that any of this was his fault, telling him more than once that there was only one person responsible for Justin's actions and that that person was Justin and not Brian. Michael had also reminded Brian that many people were being left by their lovers day in and out and not all of them ended up as drug addicts. If Justin had felt so bad, he could have always gone and gotten help.

Michael had been furious that Brian had even allowed his mind to go down that road of thinking and had been adamant that none of this had been Brian's fault and while he knew that Michael most likely really thought that, Brian couldn't help but still wonder if it was. What if he had just talked to Justin once more before he had left for New York? Maybe he could have convinced Justin that it was for the best that Brian was moving away and he was free to pursue someone his own age.

Maybe, maybe, maybe...so many maybes running through his head, but hardly any definite answers. When Brian had woken up earlier that morning, he had known what he wanted to do that day, had made a decision about doing something that he hadn't done in three years and knew he should have done a lot earlier and even though he had been slightly scared of actually going through with it, he had known that it was the right thing to do.

Waking up, Brian had realised that he didn't need Michael's absolution, but needed someone else to tell him that none of this was his fault. He needed to hear it from the one person who had always loved Justin unconditionally and had cared for him as if he was her son.

Sighing deeply, Brian got out of his car and walked over to the house he knew so well. When he had first started being friends with Michael, he had been a regular guest at this house and that had never stopped until he had left for New York.

He walked up to the door, wondering if Debbie would even be home and wondering even more how she would react upon seeing him. He hadn't called her often after he had moved to New York, hadn't talked to her all that much in the last three years. Their relationship had become very strained after he and Justin had broken up and when they had talked, Justin had always been a topic to cause tension because Debbie had been beyond angry with him for how he had treated the boy. So with time Brian had just started to always claim to be busy with work when she wanted to talk and standing in front of her door now, he felt really bad about that. He had always loved Debbie and she had immediately made him feel a part of the family, had welcomed him into her home and family and had made him feel like a member, not like an outsider. She had taken to him and he had taken to her and they had gotten on really well and Brian wondered why he hadn't stayed in contact with her more closely when he had left for New York. Maybe because he had been afraid of her looking through him and his bullshit just like Justin had been able to look through it. Debbie had always been able to see him for his real self and to cut through his bullshit in seconds. For the first time ever in all the years he had known her, he felt nervous as he rang her doorbell, not knowing how she would react to seeing him.

Brian waited and looked up when he saw the door being opened half a minute later and a tired-looking Debbie appeared. Brian took a good look at her and he was shocked about what he was seeing. She looked beyond exhausted, not physically, but mentally. She looked tired and drawn, her eyes carrying an immense sadness that Brian had never seen in them before. Debbie had always been a woman that had looked younger than her actual age due to her boisterous and happy exterior, but looking at her now, Brian thought that she looked as if she had aged 10-15 years in the three years that he had been in New York.

“Brian! Oh my god, what are you doing here?” She immediately exclaimed when she recognised him, walking over to him with a happy smile and immediately engulfing him in a crushing hug. “Oh Brian! It's so good to see you!”

Brian let her hug him and hugged her back, holding her tight as he spoke. “Hey, Debbie.”

After a minute of hugging him so tight that he was scared his ribs might crack, Debbie pulled back and looked at him from eyes that were shining with tears and happiness. “Oh Brian, what a lovely surprise. Come in!”

They entered the house and walked into the living-room that Brian knew so well, sitting down on the couch.

Brian was actually surprised that Debbie hadn't yelled at him for not staying in contact more in recent years and he wondered if maybe she was even too mentally exhausted for that. Or maybe she was just genuinely happy to see one of her lost boys in her home again.

He didn't quite know what to make of it and tried to cover that insecurity by speaking first. “I...I hope you don't mind me showing up like this. I...I know I should have called first.”

“Don't be ridiculous, Brian. You can show up whenever you want. You know that!” She waved away his worries, smiling at him. “I am glad that you came.”

Brian fidgeted in his place on the couch, feeling slightly embarrassed about what he said next. “I... I am sorry for not calling more or...or for not coming by for a visit earlier...I...,” he stopped, looking at her, his eyes showing how bad he felt about it.

Debbie smiled at him gently and took his hand, squeezing it slightly. “I am sure you had your reasons, Brian. I know that you were really busy with your job and...everything...”

A silence fell between them and when it felt like getting too heavy, Debbie spoke again, changing the atmosphere. “I should kick your ass, you know?”

“Debbie, I...,” Brian sighed, but then just nodded. He knew she was right. He had been an ass. A complete and utter ass. And not only to her, but to most of his Pittsburgh family and friends.

“But I am too happy that you're here now,” Debbie said quietly. “Michael told me that... that you know and... even though I wanted to kick your ass for your behaviour in the last three years... I am just glad that you're back. I've missed you, Brian and...I just need to know that you're okay? Are you okay?”

Brian nodded slowly, then started shaking his head. “I... guess... I am as okay as I can be under these circumstances. How are you doing, Debbie? I...god, I had no idea...I...Michael told me two days ago and...I am so sorry...If I had known, I would have come by a lot sooner, you have to believe me,” he told her, now taking her hand in his as he saw her eyes lose that happiness, it being replaced by a deep sense of sadness.

“I've been better,” she quietly answered, not looking at Brian as tears made their way down her cheeks.

Brian had always known Debbie as a strong woman and a strong personality and he had never seen her cry before. Yes, he had seen her cry in happiness, but this was crying because things had gotten too much, this was crying in emotional exhaustion and he had never seen Debbie that way before and it made him sad to see the strong woman that he had always admired so much like this.

“Is there something I can do?” Brian asked quietly after a few minutes, allowing her her tears, all the while holding her hand in his, caressing it in a comforting manner.

She shook her head, looking up at him from pained eyes. “No,” she whispered. “There's nothing anyone can do.”

“Debbie...I...god, I never thought something like this could happen to Justin. Not in a million years. I mean...I could see it happening to me, but...not Justin...he was always so...so...rooted to the soil and...normal, you know what I mean?” He said quietly and she only nodded, sniffing as she wiped away her tears with her free hand.

“He changed, Brian...a lot...I...I don't even recognise him anymore...he's...he's not Sunshine anymore and...it hurts so much to see him do this to himself...”

“I know,” Brian sighed, wondering how much those last three years had hurt the woman sitting in front of him. He could see that she was in immense emotional pain and for a minute he felt angry with Justin for doing this to his surrogate mother, a woman that had loved him like her own son and obviously still cared about him a lot.

“When did you last see him?” He continued after a few minutes of silence, trying to push aside the anger that he was feeling and asking the questions that were burning on his mind.

“About nine months ago,” Debbie told him after thinking about it shortly. “He...he came here and...he seemed okay and...I thought that he might be getting better and...I was so hopeful at seeing him here. His eyes were clear and...when he talked...he...he was here, not high or far away in his own world and...I allowed myself to get up my hope that maybe he had finally realised that he needed help, but...,” she stopped there, sobbing quietly and all Brian could do was move over and hold her, hold her and comfort her, knowing that there was no real comfort for the pain she was going through.

“I am so sorry, Debbie...so sorry,” Brian whispered over and over, holding his surrogate mother in his arms until she had calmed down. When she had, she pulled away from Brian and moved out of the room. Thinking that she might need a minute to herself to regain composure, Brian let her go. He was surprised when she returned less than a minute later, holding a large envelope and a rectangular wooden box.

She handed the items to Brian, who could only frown at them, before she sat down next to him once more.

“When...when he was here...he gave me these things. He...he said he wanted me to hide them from him, so...so he couldn't sell them. He had sold most of his stuff by then and I knew from Emmett that Justin was broke more often than not and was selling whatever he could to get money for drugs and...he told me to hide these things from him so he couldn't sell them as well,” she explained to Brian who looked at the items in his hand, wondering why Justin would have wanted Debbie to hide these things from him so he couldn't sell them.

“He nearly begged me to hide away these things so he couldn't get his hands on them. It...it was one of the few moments in the last years where...where he seemed to be Justin. He was so sure and adamant about it and...his eyes were so clear,” Debbie sighed, taking a deep breath before she continued. “Less than a week later, I got a call from the security company that had installed my alarm that someone had tried to break into my house. When... when we checked the images on the camera... it was Justin....”

She looked at the items in Brian's hand, running her hand over the rectangular wooden box.

“I...I want you to have those things, Brian. I...I am sure they mean more to you than they do to me,” Debbie whispered, urging Brian to open the wooden box.

When Brian did, he gasped, immediately recognising the contents of the box. In it, lying at the bottom of the box were several sketches. Brian immediately recognised that they had been done by Justin and carefully lifted them from the box. He looked at the first one and saw that it was a sketch of the night they had met. A sketch of the night Gus had been born. It showed Brian holding a baby Gus in his arms, gently looking down on him with a look so full of love that it nearly took Brian's breath away. When he looked at the other sketches, he saw that they were sketches of himself, sometimes naked, sometimes at work, sometimes doing random things like playing pool with the guys. And then several more sketches of him and his son which nearly brought tears to his eyes. Looking at these sketches Brian saw a love in his eyes he didn't quite know he really could feel. But if Justin had drawn it, it meant it had to be there. The boy had never lied in his sketches and had never drawn anything that hadn't really been there.

Once Brian had put the sketches back, he took the envelope that had come with the wooden box and opened it, surprised when he saw pictures in it. He pulled them out carefully and felt even more emotional when he saw what those pictures showed.

He looked at them, not even bothering to hide his feelings, smiling at several of them and the memories they brought back.

The pictures were pictures from several events that they had attended together. Parties at Babylon, dinners with the munchers, dinners at Debbie's. And all the pictures showed the same thing: Them together. Brian having his arms around Justin one way or the other, always holding the younger boy close. In many pictures Brian could be seen kissing the blond, nibbling on his ears or doing something similar. Brian had no idea that pictures had been taken at any of these events, but apparently Justin had known and had saved them all. Pictures that clearly showed how Brian had lied when he had said he didn't care about the blond. These pictures held the truth and even Brian couldn't refute what he was seeing in them. He had cared. Definitely more than he would have cared for a random fuck. That was for sure. Looking at the pictures, Brian couldn't even blame people for thinking that they had been in a relationship. No wonder the boy had gotten those ideas. Brian sure seemed enarmoured enough in those pictures.

Why had Justin begged Debbie to hide these pictures and sketches from him? Debbie said he had begged her to hide them from him, so he couldn't sell them for drugs. Had Justin sold his art for drug money? Did the fact that Justin had begged Debbie to hide those pictures and sketches from him mean that even then, when he had already been at his lowest, he cared about Brian and didn't want to lose the last memories of their time together? Could that be it?

Brian wondered about it for quite a bit, completely forgetting about Debbie who was sitting next to him, looking through the pictures in trance before he put them back in the envelope, looking up at her with a grateful smile.

“Thank you!”

Debbie only nodded before Brian hugged her once more, wanting to show her that he really appreciated her giving him these things.

He stayed for another hour, talked to Debbie about old times, better times, before he left, realising in the car on the way home that he had already come to a decision about what he would do next. He looked at the envelope and the wooden box sitting on it on the passenger's seat, nodding to himself as determination went through him. He would do it, he just didn't know how.

Chapter 5

“What? Have you lost your goddamn mind?” Michael nearly yelled at him, looking at Brian as if he had just gone completely crazy in front of his very eyes.

“I have to, Michael. I need to see him and talk to him,” Brian calmly repeated what he had just told his best friend before.

“And what good do you think talking to Justin will do?”

“Maybe I can get through to him,” Brian started, but was immediately interrupted by Michael.

“Brian, no one can get through to Justin. He's gone...not there anymore...it's not Justin anymore. You better accept that!”

“No, he's still there. I...I just know it. I mean...,” Brian pointed over to the wooden box with the sketches and the envelope with the pictures that he had shown Michael earlier. “He begged Debbie to hide these things from him so he couldn't sell them to get money for drugs. That means...that means...he still cares,” Brian said, his voice sounding desperate in the need to believe that he was right.

Michael looked at Brian, his eyes full of sympathy. “Brian...you're only setting yourself up for a big disappointment and even more pain here,” he gently said.

“But...why would he beg Debbie to hide these things? Why? It...must mean that they mean more to him than all the other things he has apparently already sold and...it must mean something,” Brian started once more, his eyes begging Michael to agree with him.

“I don't know, Brian. I don't know what it means or why he would have given these things to Ma. I stopped understanding Justin a long time ago and quite frankly I don't care anymore, but...I care about you and what this is doing to you and Brian, I am worried about you. You're setting yourself up for pain and disappointment if you think that talking to Justin will magically make him realise that he needs to clean up his act and needs to get away from the life he's living now. It's not going to happen. He's too far gone to care.”

“But what if he isn't? I have to at least try, Mikey,” Brian sighed, running his hand through his brunet hair. “You, Emmett, Ted...you all had your chances. You tried and it didn't work, but...I didn't even know what was going on until three days ago. Why am I not allowed to try as well? You all tried to help him and get him to clean up because he is a friend and because you cared about him and if you see a friend go through bad times, you just want to help and want to try to do all you can and...that's how I am feeling right now. I need to do this, Michael...If I don't...I will regret it for the rest of my life. I just know it and...I'll blame myself for not doing something when I had the chance to,” Brian whispered, knowing that Michael understood his way of thinking. Michael probably understood him better than anyone because Michael had to some degree cared about Justin at one point as well and he would do anything he could for a friend and Brian was pretty sure that Michael wasn't even against Brian trying to help Justin, but was just worried about what it would do to Brian should it fail. “You know that I need to do this,” Brian said, knowing that Michael knew indeed and as if to confirm his thoughts, his friend only nodded.

“Yeah, I know. But...I wish it wasn't like that,” he sighed, a deep sadness entering his voice and eyes once more. “It's not going to work, Brian and...I also know what that will do to you and I worry about you, man.”

“I know and I appreciate that,” Brian answered sincerely, staying silent for a bit before he continued. “So...will you help me?”

Michael looked up at Brian and shook his head slowly, only confirming what Brian had feared all day long. Whatever had happened between Justin and Michael in the last three years, Michael had really moved to a place where he was beyond caring as far as Justin was concerned and to know that Michael would ever get into a place like that, saddened Brian and made him wonder what had happened between the two of them to make Michael turn this cold towards Justin.

“Mikey...,” Brian started, once again stopped by Michael right away.

“No, Brian. You will not talk me into this. You want to go ahead and waste your life on trying to get Justin to see the light? Fine...You want to try and do something that everyone else has failed at? Fine, do it. But don't ask me to go along with that. I have already wasted enough of my life on him and his escapades and I just can't do it anymore. I just can't...I'll be here when you need me. I'll be here to pick up the pieces when you finally realise what we have all come to realise as well in recent years, but...don't ask me to go along with your idea. Don't!”

Brian only nodded. He could see the frustration and also anger in Michael's eyes and heard it in his voice, knowing that there was nothing else to do but to accept his friend's decision. Michael had already done so much for him in all the years he had known him, Brian was more than willing to accept that now they had come to a point where Michael just didn't have it in him to do even more.

“Okay,” he said quietly. “Can you at least tell me where I can find him?”

Michael shrugged, clearly frustrated and angry that Brian really planned on going ahead with this. “It's been months since I've last seen him and then he came to my place or Ma's place. I don't know...he used to hang out in bars along Larimer.”

“Larimer Avenue? Isn't that...off East Liberty?” Brian asked in obvious disbelief. Growing up in Pittsburgh, everyone had always told him to stay away as far as possible from Larimer and East Liberty as he could because that part of town was known for its notorious gangs and crimes, being in obvious decay.

“I told you he was hanging out with the wrong people,” Michael just gave back, looking at Brian pleadingly. “You're only putting yourself in danger, Brian. It's not worth it!”

“I have to, Michael. I just have to,” Brian sighed, appreciating Michael's worry and knowing that he only voiced his concerns because he cared so much about him and didn't want him to get hurt.

“If there really is no talking you out of doing this...at least talk to Emmett before you go there,” Michael said next, surprising Brian.

“To Emmett?”

“He's been there before. He's...he's been trying to talk to Justin and find him there and...maybe he knows more than I do,” Michael offered, making it clear to Brian that this was as far as his help would go.

***

“Thanks for coming along, Em. I really appreciate that,” Brian said sincerely as they made their way down Larimer Avenue, looking at all the run-down bars lining the sides of the street.

“Going down here on your own would have been suicide, Brian. If someone recognises the value of your clothes, you're going to be a sure target for a mugging,” Emmett just replied in a for him unusually gruff voice and an outfit that Brian would have never expected to see on the tall queen. Emmett was wearing normal, toned down clothes. Nothing fancy, nothing that screamed gay as his usual clothes normally did. For years Brian hadn't even known that Emmett owned normal clothes like the ones he was now wearing.

“So...how come you went here to look for Justin and didn't get mugged?” Brian asked, a frown on his face.

“I've been in Pittsburgh for a long time, Brian and...not all of that time has been good and as successful as I am now... I... I have started out in this neighbourhood myself when I first arrived from Mississippi without any money to support myself. During that time I got to know some people...I know some good people from this area who helped me find my way around here,” Emmett explained, nodding towards a bar about 15 feet ahead of them. “That's where they used to hang out a lot. Not sure if they still do. It's been months since I've last been here.”

Brian looked at the run-down building and the faded sign saying that it was a bar, wondering why anyone would want to enter that shithole, then realised that he was about to do that very thing.

When Brian had called Emmett earlier that day, he had been against Brian's idea at first. He had reacted much like Michael had reacted and had told Brian that he was only setting himself up for disappointment and pain and that Justin was beyond their reach, that there was nothing anyone could do for him anymore. But the longer Brian had talked, had explained why he needed to do this, had explained how he felt knowing that Justin was doing this badly and that he hadn't even tried doing anything about it, the more Emmett had lost his edge and had in the end even agreed to join Brian, offering to help him around, telling him that he'd be lost out there without him. Brian had gladly accepted that offer, having felt quite scared and fearful ever since Michael had mentioned that Justin was hanging around Larimer and he was quite glad to have Emmett around, already having noticed more than one shady person looking at him strangely.

“I really appreciate you doing this,” he therefore said once more, before taking a deep breath and steeling himself as he opened the door to the bar and entered it.

He was immediately overwhelmed by the smell of the mouldy air, his nostrils being filled with the overwhelming stink of sweat, vomit and urine, nearly making him gag as he went inside the bar. “Geez,” he muttered, starting to breathe in through his mouth instead of his nose.

“Nice place, huh?” Emmett said, looking around for an empty table that they could sit down at. He found one in the left corner, immediately pointing Brian in the direction of it and walking over.

When they had sat down, Brian spoke. “Why would anyone come here? This place is a shithole...”

“I guess if it's all you can afford, you go here,” Emmett offered, looking around the place, trying to see if there was any person around that he recognised from one of his earlier visits.

They ordered a beer, but neither of them really drank any of it as the glasses looked beyond filthy, Brian even wondered if they had ever seen any water and had been cleaned even once.

It became obvious pretty quickly that Justin wasn't in the bar or that no one that Emmett recognised as one of his acquaintances was around either, so they decided to wait and see what the night would bring.

They waited for nearly three hours and nothing happened, no one that Emmett knew showed up, before Brian sighed and decided to call it a night. Emmett agreed and together they made their way out of the bar.

“Sorry for bringing you here and wasting your time,” Brian offered as they walked down the street towards the car park where they had parked earlier.

“I've had worse evenings,” Emmett just gave back, making Brian raise his eyebrows.

“Really? Worse than spending your time in that shithole?”

“Worse!” Emmett just chuckled before he stopped. “Wait,” he just said, looking over at the other side of the street, watching a young man who was going through the rubbish lying there, trying to find something useful. “I'll be right back,” Emmett shouted as he had already crossed the street halfway and left a frowning Brian behind.

Brian watched as Emmett talked to the young man for several minutes, nodding every once in a while before he handed him some money and made his way back to where Brian was waiting.

“What was that about?” the tall brunet asked.

“I know him. He's the brother of a girl that I got to know when I first came to Pittsburgh. Very talented singer, but coming from a bad neighbourhood and family. She was shot a couple of months ago. Tragic,” Emmett sighed. “He's helped me before when I came here. He knows his way around and knows the people here.”

“Does he know Justin?”

“Most people here know Justin, Brian. He's part of the neighbourhood and has been for a long time.”

Brian only nodded dumbly at that. “Yeah, I guess you're right.”

“However...,” Emmett started, a small smile appearing on his face. “He knows where Justin is right now.”

“What?” Brian's eyes widened as he looked at his friend, not believing what he had just heard.

“He has seen him less than ten minutes ago. Looks like they have a new place to hang out.”

“So...,” Brian started, but didn't go on.

“So we're going there. You still want to talk to him, don't you?” Emmett asked, wondering if Brian still wanted to go ahead or might have changed his mind by now.

The tall brunet only nodded in determination, steeling himself for the possibility of seeing Justin again for the first time in three years in a couple of minutes.

“Okay, then let's go,” Emmett said as he started to move in the direction of the bar the young man had mentioned to him.

They arrived a couple of minutes later at a bar that looked equally run-down as the one where they had spent most of their evening so far, already making Brian wonder if every bar in this part of town looked that way.

When they entered, Brian was immediately greeted by a wave of smoke, recognising right away that that smoke didn't only come from ordinary cigarettes, but smelled sweeter and spicier.

It didn't take him long to find Justin in the bar, his eyes almost immediately wandering to the group of people standing at the bar, yelling loudly, apparently looking for a fight with another group that was sitting at some tables a couple of feet away.

Brian didn't pay that fight any attention and just drank in Justin's appearance. None of Michael's stories or warnings could have prepared him for what he was seeing now with his own eyes. Justin had changed and hardly looked like himself anymore. What immediately caught Brian's attention was the lack of hair. Justin had shaved it all off which wasn't a good look for him as far as Brian was concerned. It only accentuated his gaunt and sickly looking face, his cheeks fallen in, his eyes almost popping out, shocking Brian with how lifeless they seemed. Justin's face was unshaven and looked as if it had been some time since it had last seen water, only adding to his overall dirty looks. There were stains on the shirt that he was wearing and Brian didn't even want to think about where those stains could have come from.

He nearly stumbled back with the shock of seeing Justin like that, feeling Emmett's supportive hand on his back. “Are you okay?” Emmett asked gently, knowing that seeing Justin like that had to be quite a shock for Brian.

Brian only nodded, still not able to avert his eyes from the sight in front of him. So far no one had paid him and Emmett any attention, but that changed soon when Brian saw a huge, bulky man coming their way, looking beyond angry at seeing them there. He wondered how the man even knew them or why he would be so angry about them showing up, but he soon found out.

“Didn't I tell you to not come back, fag? To just piss off and leave us alone?” He yelled as he pushed Emmett who just raised his hands in defense, but didn't do anything else. Brian watched on beyond scared. That big guy could kill them both, he had no doubt and he quickly realised that he was way out of his league here.

“Whoa, calm down,” he said in an attempt to interfere, but was completely ignored by both Emmett and the man.

“Danny, hi. Still being a jerk, I see,” Emmett replied to the man, making Brian look at his friend in shock. Had Emmett gone crazy? Was he trying to kill them both by angering that huge bulk of a man even more?

Just as the man who was apparently called Danny was about to hit Emmett hard in the face a voice called out to him. “Don't!”

Brian immediately recognised that voice, but was shocked by how emotionless it sounded in light of the fact that two friends of the owner of that voice were about to get beaten to a bloody pulp. Because Brian had no doubt that that was about to happen as he saw two other guys closing in on them as well.

“I warned him,” the man called Danny just growled in the direction of the voice, but let go of Emmett, still glaring at him.

“Let me take care of him,” Justin said, sounding annoyed as he made his way over.

Danny nodded and moved back to the bar to where his friends were, looking over at them every once in a while, still throwing insults at Emmett who just watched after him before he turned to Justin.

“Still hanging out with jerks, I see.”

“What are you doing here?” Justin asked, not even looking close to happy at seeing his old friend again, looking beyond angry and annoyed instead. “Everything's been said, Emmett. And why did you bring him?” He spat in Brian's direction, not even greeting him or saying anything to him.

Brian felt slightly hurt by the way Justin had so snidely referred to him as 'him', not even acknowledging his presence by using his name.

“We want to talk to you, Justin,” Emmett just told him, not even caring to make his voice sound friendly as it usually was when he talked to a friend. Brian realised quickly that something must have happened between these two as well, because Emmett's voice sounded about just as cold when he talked to Justin as Michael's did when he talked about the younger man.

“I don't want to talk to you. So fuck off,” Justin said to them before he turned around and walked away back to the bar.

Brian didn't know what made him do it, but he extended his hand and took hold of Justin's arm, stopping him from walking away. The younger man immediately turned on him. “Let go of me if you know what's good for you,” he hissed at Brian who was too shocked to not let go and just stared at Justin, not able to believe that this was really the same person that had been in love with him just three years ago. There was nothing of the Justin that used to love him in this person anymore and to see those lifeless, dull eyes glare at him, nearly made him stumble back.

“Justin, please,” Brian started, but didn't get any further.

“Get out of here and don't think about ever coming back. I have nothing to say to either of you,” Justin spat in Brian's direction.

“And if I have something to say to you?” Brian asked, wondering why he sounded so pathetic as he talked to Justin, who obviously couldn't have cared less about him showing up.

“I don't want to hear it,” the younger man announced, before he turned to Emmett. “Get him out of here and don't come back,” he told him, a clear warning in his voice.

Emmett understood it as such and nodded, pulling a struggling Brian out of the bar with him.

“What? I...,” Brian angrily yelled at Emmett as he was slammed into the nearest wall by his angry friend.

“Have you lost your goddamn mind? Did you want to get us both killed?” Emmett yelled right back at Brian who was stunned by that and just looked at him dumbly. After all it had been Emmett who had provoked that Danny guy, not him.

“What?”

“Why did you have to fucking touch him? You could have gotten us both killed right there...,” Emmett let out his anger, shaking his head again and again. “Are you crazy?”

“I...I just wanted to stop him from walking away,” Brian defended himself helplessly, wondering why holding Justin back had apparently nearly killed them.

“Brian, he was there with his friends. You don't touch anyone in this part of town unless you're part of their group or have a death wish. If you do, you're as good as dead.”

“I...I didn't...I didn't know,” Brian stuttered, still trying to comprehend what had happened in the last five minutes, not able to get a grip on it.

“Let's get out of here before Danny decides that he wants to have your ass as a midnight snack for touching his boyfriend,” Emmett muttered as he quickly walked away from the bar. Brian followed dumbly behind him.

“His boyfriend? That...”

“...is Justin's boyfriend. Yes,” Emmett affirmed, as they made their way towards his car. “Has been for quite some time now. A right jerk and pretty violent.”

“And...Justin is with him?” Brian asked in complete and utter bewilderment, not able to get his head to process and accept that bit of information.

“He has changed, Brian. He's not the Justin we used to know, anymore.”

The brunet only nodded, slowly starting to realise just that himself. He slowly started to understand what Michael and Debbie and Emmett had meant when they had said that Justin had changed. He had just seen with his own eyes how much he had changed.

Chapter 6

Over the course of the next two weeks, Brian had tried to come to terms with what he had seen that night at the bar on Larimer. For some reason seeing Justin like that had been the thing to really hit home the truth about what everyone else had been telling him for weeks.

To say that Brian had been shocked to the core by the coldness in Justin's voice when he had talked to him and Emmett, or more to Emmett since he had totally ignored Brian for the most part, would have been an understatement, but what had shocked him even more had been Justin's appearance. The drug use showed and he had changed. It took Brian three nearly sleepless nights to get the image of those lifeless, dull eyes out of his head and to have it stop haunting him. He had found himself looking at the pictures from the envelope that Debbie had given him quite often and couldn't believe that the man who had looked so bad and had behaved so coldly to his friends was the same man that had been so loving and gentle in most of the pictures, who had smiled brightly, his eyes shining with love and happiness.

Brian had found himself unable to believe that a person could change so much and he had been grateful that Michael had kept his promise of being there for him, because Brian had been in desperate need of having a friend close by, trying to help him deal with the fact that a person he had once cared about had hit rock bottom that hard. It wasn't that he had loved Justin and that it hurt him because he had feelings for him, but because he cared for Justin as he would care for every other of his friends as well and it pained him deeply that he had only just come to the realisation that he wanted to try and rebuild a friendship with the younger man, that he wanted him in his life as a friend when it was way too late for that as their visit to Larimer had clearly shown.

At first Brian had thought about going back on his own, about trying to catch Justin on his own and trying to talk to him, forcing him to listen and to make him see sense somehow, even if he had no idea how, but then he had dismissed that idea, realising that it was way too dangerous. If Emmett was right and that jerk was really Justin's boyfriend and if Emmett had also been right about Brian having commited some unforgivable sin by touching Justin, he wouldn't have been safe there. They were probably just waiting for him to come back so they could beat the crap out of him for whatever wrongdoing he might have done in their opinion.

In the end, even though it had been beyond painful to come to that conclusion, Brian had agreed with Emmett and Michael that Justin was out of their reach and that the younger man didn't want any help from them. He had made that clear and even Brian had gotten that message even though he hadn't seen Justin for more than two or three minutes at the most. It was painful, but he knew from experience with drugs himself and from acquaintances that had gone down that path before, he knew from all the research he had done in recent weeks since he had found out about Justin that there was no way to get a drug addict to see that they needed help if they didn't realise themselves that they needed help and started asking for it and as hard as it was for Brian to accept that there was nothing that he could do but sit back and wait for the inevitable to happen, he also knew it was the only thing that he could do without endangering himself and his own well-being.

It nearly broke his heart and had made him shut himself away in his house for three whole days, totally ignoring everyone's worried calls and visits until he had pulled himself together and had tried to push Justin out of his mind, had tried to push him back to the back of it, locking him and thoughts about him away to where he had locked them away before he had come back to Pittsburgh. He had then started resuming to live his own life. No good would come from going down that road himself, so he had made a vow to himself, that even though he felt like hiding and drinking the pain away for the moment, he wouldn't allow himself to do that.

Instead he had started resuming his normal activities, had started meeting with his friends again, had concentrated on his work in his agency once more, had gone to business meetings, just normal stuff that he usually did.

He had indeed just finished a meeting with a client about a new product they wanted him to advertise and had been on his way back to his car when he had felt the urge to do some shopping. It had been a long time since he had just gone shopping, spending loads of money on clothes and shoes, making every woman envious with how good he was at their favourite pastime. He was a champion when it came to shopping and standing on the sidewalk after that meeting, he had realised that he was really in need of some good old retail therapy.

He had turned around and hadn't walked towards his car, but had walked up the street in the other direction, knowing that there were some good shops on it, and had checked them out one after the other.

As he left a shop that sold designer shoes, having bought two new pairs, he turned left and walked down the street, checking a text he had gotten while he had been in the shop. He only looked up from his mobile when he heard some commotion a few metres down the street outside of a shop that sold fresh fruits and vegetables.

At first Brian chose to ignore it and returned his attention back to his cell, thinking that it was one of the usual Pittsburgh things going on, until his breath got stuck when he recognised one of the voices screaming to be let go, while another voice called for help and the police.

“Let me fucking go!”

“Police! Someone call the police!”

Brian looked up and gasped once more when he realised that he hadn't been wrong. A man that looked to be working at the shop was holding onto the arm of a struggling Justin, who was obviously trying to get away from him.

Not quite knowing what to do, Brian watched the scene for a couple of seconds before he made the decision to check out what had happened. He quickly walked closer, totally ignoring Justin and just talking to the other man.

“What is going on here?”

“That filthy piece of shit tried to steal my fruits. Bastard's been at it all week, but now I got him,” the man readily provided, twisting Justin's arm in a way that looked painful even to Brian.

“Let me go, you sick fuck,” Justin yelled once more, not even bothering to acknowledge Brian's presence or the fact that he knew him.

“What did he try to steal?” Brian asked, before he turned to Justin and angrily glared at him. “Oh shut up, Justin, for god's sake!”

Justin looked beyond stunned after Brian had addressed him, for a second even stopping to struggle to get away.

“You know him?” The man just asked in obvious confusion, not able to accept that someone as well-dressed as Brian was, a person who obviously had money would know a scumbag like the man he was holding now.

“What did he try to steal?” Brian only asked again, choosing to ignore the man's earlier question.

“Some apples and peaches,” the man told him, pointing at the shelves carrying the fruits outside the shop.

“Okay,” Brian nodded, then got out his wallet and got a $100-bill out of it and handed it to the man who just looked at him in confusion.

“Take this and let me take care of him,” Brian said, pointing to Justin who was now glaring at him and had once again started to try to get away.

The man looked from Brian to the money and to Justin and then back to Brian, obviously weighing his options. He knew just as well as Brian did that if the police showed up, he wouldn't get that much money. He might not even get back any money at all, judging by the shabby look of the man he was still holding onto and in the end he nodded, knowing that taking the money was the most lucrative solution for him.

He let go of Justin, who was about to run away as Brian just turned in his direction and hissed at him. “Don't even dare!” effectively stopping him in his tracks. Brian handed over the 100 bucks before grabbing Justin's arm and pulling him with him as the man shouted after them that he never wanted to see Justin again near his shop.

The further they walked, the harder Justin tried to get away from Brian's grip. Brian started to get annoyed and stopped in his tracks, turning around and glaring at the younger man, making him stumble into him. “Stop it! You're coming along whether you want to or not,” he just told him in a voice that even Justin realised allowed no contradiction and in the end, realising that he had no other choice anyway, he just stopped struggling and went along as Brian pulled him into a side street and walked down it with him, never letting go off him, obviously still afraid that Justin would run away at the next opportunity that presented itself.

Brian sighed in relief when he finally found what he had been looking for and pulled a stunned Justin into a fast food restaurant. He sat him down at one of the tables and glared at him for good measure. “If you know what's good for you, you'll wait here and won't be stupid enough to run away now.”

Justin just nodded dumbly and happy with that, knowing that he had probably confused and stunned him too much with his behaviour to even think about running away, Brian went to the counter and ordered several items from the menu before he returned to the table where he had left Justin to find the younger man still sitting there a few minutes later, staring at his hands, not looking up.

Brian sat down opposite Justin and pushed the tray full of food over to him. “Here, eat!”

Justin looked up and looked at Brian in confusion, obviously having expected to hear a lot of things, but not that. “What?”

“Eat! You must be hungry. I ordered several things. There should be something that you like,” Brian only replied then leaned back in his own chair and watched as Justin eyed the food with obviously hungry eyes. “I mean it, eat! You like this greasy shit, don't you?”

Taking the bottle of water that Brian had ordered for himself, he watched as Justin tentatively reached out to the tray and took one of the burgers lying on it, still eyeing Brian in confusion.

“Why?” The younger man asked as he took the burger in his hand and took the first bite.

“You're obviously hungry. So eat!” Brian just said, taking a sip from his bottle as he watched Justin eat the burger before the younger man turned to the fries and took another burger.

“Aren't you going to eat?” Justin asked after a few minutes of having eaten several things from the tray, noticing that Brian hadn't taken anything but the bottle of water for himself.

Brian just shrugged and then sneered. “Not if my life depended on it. This shit is gonna cost me three hours on the treadmill...,” then he turned more serious. “I am not hungry and you look like you can do with more than just one meal.”

Not even bothering to reply to that, Justin took another burger and ate it, nearly scarfing it down, making Brian wonder how long it had been since he had last eaten a decent meal. From the gaunt features and the fact that Brian had just witnessed Justin getting caught for stealing food, he guessed that it must have been quite some time and that thought saddened him deeply.

They stayed quiet for the rest of the time that Justin spent eating the rest of the food on the tray, Justin being too busy eating and Brian not even knowing what he should talk about with Justin. 'Oh hey, you know? I am back and I heard you're going through some shit. Care to give me some details?' As he ran that through his mind, he had to wonder at how things had changed between them. Back in the day, when he had first gotten to know Justin and when they had been living together, they could talk for hours on end, day after day, always finding something to talk about, but now...now that they were spending some decent time together for the first time in three years, Brian had no idea what to say to the younger man sitting opposite him. He just watched him intently instead and tried to get his emotions under control.

This wasn't supposed to have happened to Justin. He wasn't supposed to turn into a person that needed to steal to have food. He had had a good life and great education and had looked at a life where he should have had enough money to live comfortably, but now...things had changed. Everything had changed.

When Justin was done eating and had finished his drink, an uncomfortable silence settled between them that Brian broke by getting up and walking back to the counter once more, returning a few seconds later with a piece of paper and a pen. He sat down at the table again and wrote something on the paper.

Justin watched him in obvious confusion, his eyes showing even more confusion when Brian handed the piece of paper to him. He took it and looked at it with a frown.

Without saying anything more, Brian got up, picked up his things and walked past the table towards the exit, turning around once more as he was only a few inches away from Justin.

“Next time you're hungry and about to steal food, come to this address. There's always food for you at my place,” he said before he opened the door of the fast food restaurant and left, walking down the street as Justin watched after him in stunned silence, looking from the piece of paper in his hand to Brian's retreating form.

Chapter 7

Later that day when he had been back home, Brian had started wondering if he had done the right thing or not. He wondered if it had been stupid to give Justin his address, after all Michael and Emmett had told him all kinds of stories about the measures Justin would go to if he was in need of new money for drugs and Brian had just seen him stealing a few hours earlier. He worried if he might have just given Justin or some of his friends an invitation to break into his home and steal whatever they wanted to, already regretting his impulsive decision to want to reach out to him and offer him help when he wiped away those thoughts, telling himself that Justin wouldn't use his address to steal from him. At least he hoped not. And it scared Brian that he couldn't even say for sure that he trusted Justin. After all he had seen and heard, he just couldn't anymore and because of that Brian went back and forth from regretting his decision to give Justin his address to confirming that it had been the right thing to do over the course of the next days.

He hadn't really been surprised when Michael had called him crazy and hadn't been able to understand why Brian would have done something as he called it 'so stupid', but Brian hadn't really expected him to understand it to begin with. Over the course of the weeks that he had been back in Pittsburgh and had found out more and more about the person Justin had turned into, he had realised that something must have happened between Justin and Michael that had made Michael give up on the younger man. Of course there was the frustration of Justin not accepting the help Michael and everyone else had been offering him, there was the pain and hurt of seeing Justin go down that road and not being able to stop him, but Brian also knew that none of that would have stopped Michael from caring for someone he knew and someone he knew was as important to his mother as Justin was and yet he had obviously done in Justin's case and Brian only had one explanation for that, namely that something serious must have happened between those two.

When he had asked his friend directly about what had happened between him and Justin, Michael had just waved him off again and had changed the topic, telling Brian that he was getting tired of constantly talking about Justin and he had then effectively ended that conversation. So Brian had asked Emmett next, had told him about his suspicions and had asked him if he was right, but Emmett had just shaken his head and had looked at Brian sadly.

“If he doesn't want to tell you, Brian...I can't. It's not my place.”

“So something did happen?” Brian asked, taking the queen's answer as a confirmation for his suspicions, but not getting anymore from him.

Brian wondered what could have happened, what could have caused Michael to give up and stop caring about Justin once and for all, someone that was so beloved by Debbie and he couldn't come up with anything. In the end he stopped to wrack his brains about it, knowing that Michael must have had a good enough reason and wouldn't just have given up on Justin over nothing. He accepted that his friend was beyond caring and decided to not bother him any more by trying to get him to talk about Justin. It was obvious that Michael didn't want to and Brian would respect his friend's wishes, if he liked them or not.

And it wasn't like there had been much to talk about. Brian hadn't heard from Justin again ever since that day in the fast food restaurant and had continued living his life. He had come up with a new campaign for his client that he had had a meeting with the day he had met Justin, by now, six weeks later, almost forgetting about the fact that he had even given Justin his address, thinking that the younger man had most likely thrown it away right away, not caring about Brian's offer.

However Brian soon found out that he couldn't have been more wrong in his assumption.

He was in his living-room, watching the news when the door bell rang, the sound making him frown because he hadn't been expecting any visitors that day. He slowly made his way over to the door and opened it, looking at the one person he hadn't expected to ever see standing in that place.

“Justin...”

Brian noted that Justin looked beyond exhausted and tired and he also immediately noticed how he was fidgeting nervously and looked around quickly, avoiding Brian's eyes as he returned the greeting.

“Hey.”

“What are you doing here?” Brian asked in all his obvious confusion, even forgetting his manners and not inviting Justin in, just staying there in the doorway, looking at his run-down friend who looked even worse than the last time Brian had seen him.

Justin still avoided Brian's eyes as he explained what had brought him to the older man's house. “You...you said that...if...if I was hungry...you...I just wondered...if....”

Brian could see how uncomfortable and embarrassed Justin obviously felt and decided to end his embarrassment by interrupting him, already having figured out himself what this visit was about.

“Of course. Come in!” Brian stepped aside to allow Justin into his home, noticing how the blond looked around and took in the interior as Brian led him towards the kitchen, where he offered him to take a seat in one of the chairs, quickly getting a bottle of water out of the fridge and handing it to him.

“Thanks,” Justin just muttered, still not looking at Brian.

“Any wishes? Something special?” Brian asked, trying to break the silence in the room, but only getting a shake of Justin's head in return.

He opened the fridge once more and took a look at the things he had there, deciding that the best and quickest he could do would be to order some take out. He wasn't much of a cook and hadn't ever been to begin with. As he picked up the phone and called in an order with a Thai place close by, Justin still looked everywhere but at Brian.

For some reason the silence was unnerving to Brian and in the end he turned towards Justin.

“Why don't you go and freshen up a bit while I wait for the delivery. Take a shower if you like.”

Justin only nodded once, seemingly grateful for the chance to leave the uncomfortable situation, muttering a quiet. “Okay.”

“The bathroom is the second door on the left upstairs and there should be towels in there,” Brian told him as he saw Justin get up, only getting a nod in reply once again, as he watched him leave the room and slowly make his way upstairs.

Brian wondered if Justin was this quiet because he felt embarrassed for really having taken him up on his offer and showing up on his doorstep in this condition, obviously in need of food and a shower and god knew what or if it was because there was nothing that they had to say to each other anymore. He wondered if these strained silences were all there would be between them for the rest of their lives as he continued waiting for his order. For some reason he couldn't even explain to himself, he hoped that it was the first and not the latter.

He busied himself in the kitchen doing this and that for about 45 minutes, having heard the shower and also having heard the water being turned off a while ago, frowning when he didn't hear Justin come down again. Brian wondered if everything was okay, the food had already been delivered several minutes ago, and in the end he decided to leave the food and go upstairs in search of Justin.

Brian slowly made his way up the stairs. He started to look for Justin upstairs as he had not heard him come down yet.

“Justin? Are you okay? The food's here,” he called out, wondering where Justin could be when he saw that the bathroom door was open and that the bathroom was empty.

“Justin?” He called out once more, not getting an answer. Worry that something could have happened crept up his spine. He didn't exactly know what, but he was sure that if he allowed his mind to go down that road, he'd get a long list of things that could have happened.

Starting to check all the upstairs rooms, Brian opened every single door and went into every single room, calling out for Justin, never getting an answer. His fear only got worse with each room that he didn't find the younger man in.

Brian sighed in relief when he found Justin in the last room that he was checking, which was the master bedroom of the house, his own bedroom. A small smile even crept up on his face at what he saw there.

Brian fully opened the door, which was still slightly ajar and entered the room, seeing Justin on his bed, apparently sleeping. Justin had wrapped a towel around his lower body and it looked like he had sat on the edge of the bed before lying down and falling asleep, his feet still hanging over the edge of the bed.

It had been obvious that he had been exhausted and tired for some reason, but Brian only realised now how tired he must really have been if he had fallen asleep on his bed like that. As he walked closer, the smile left Brian's face however when he got a good look at Justin's naked upper body. It had been three years since he had last seen Justin naked and he knew the boy's body better than his own, having spent so much time exploring every inch of it, but what he saw now brought tears to his eyes.

Gaunt wasn't even the word for how thin Justin was and only now that he was naked did Brian see how famished he really had to be. He could see every single of Justin's ribs, could see their contours under his skin which was even paler than Brian remembered it being, the paleness brought out even more by several bruises on Justin's abdomen and chest that made Brian shudder, not even wanting to think about where those bruises could have come from. But what shocked him even more than how thin Justin was and seeing the bruises on his body was seeing his arms. Brian walked over, taking a closer look at Justin's left arm which was covered by tiny red dots, clearly showing where needles had been inserted not too long ago.

Brian knew that he should have been prepared for that, after all he had known for quite some time now that Justin was taking drugs, but seeing the small punctures, seeing how fresh some of them still were, knowing that Justin was injecting drugs with needles, it nearly made him collapse with the power of that image.

He forced himself to get over his shock, forced himself to get out of the room and give Justin some privacy and moved downstairs again, deciding to allow the boy to get the sleep that he obviously needed so desperately, trying the whole time that he was sitting in front of his TV to get the images of what Justin's body looked like now out of his head and knowing that he was failing miserably.

After staring at his TV screen for three hours without really watching what was on, his thoughts being elsewhere, he jerked around when a voice behind him pulled him back to the here and now.

“How long was I out?”

Brian turned around and saw Justin standing a few feet away, his eyes reddened and bloodshot as if he had cried a lot, but knowing that it had nothing to do with crying and that his eyes looked like that for other reasons. He also saw that Justin had put his clothes on again and was fidgeting around, biting on a nail.

“About three hours,” Brian offered as he turned off the TV and got up from his place on the couch, walking over to Justin, but not getting too close, not wanting to get too close in case that he might feel pressured or cornered.

“I am sorry...I...I didn't mean to...you should have woken me,” the younger man mumbled, still abusing his nail, totally avoiding eye contact with Brian.

“It's okay. Looks like you really needed that sleep,” Brian just shrugged it off and walked past Justin into the kitchen. “I'll just go and warm up the food. Should only be a couple of minutes.”

“No, don't,” Justin quietly called after him, making Brian stop and frown.

“What?”

“I...I should go...I...I already stayed long enough...I am sure you have better things to do...”

Brian returned to the living-room and just looked at Justin. “But...you came because you were hungry, right? I already ordered dinner and it's here. There's no point in wasting it now, is there? Clearly you must still be hungry.”

Justin only nodded slightly, but still didn't raise his head which made Brian sigh deeply.

“Look at me!”

When Justin didn't make any move to raise his head in Brian's direction, Brian tried once more. “Look at me, Justin, please!”

After a few seconds Brian saw Justin raise his eyes slowly, looking at him doubtfully.

“I offered this to you, so you've got nothing to feel bad about. I offered you the chance to get food here and you took me up on my offer. No need to be all embarrassed about it or refuse my offer now that the food is delivered and ready, just waiting to be eaten. I promise you can go right the minute you're done eating, I won't stop you or won't try to make you stay longer, but...just look at you, Justin...you're so thin and...it's a wonder you're still up and walking and haven't collapsed yet. Please...just eat and then I'll let you go,” Brian pleaded, looking at Justin intently who returned his gaze, several emotions easy to see for Brian in those eyes that had always been the windows to Justin's soul.

Brian saw fear, saw shame, saw embarrassment, but he also saw hunger and the need for food, saw gratitude and relief and could easily recognise the inner war that was waging inside of Justin. Deciding to help him to come to a decision, he walked over, took Justin's hand and led him to the kitchen, quietly saying “Please!”

The emotions that Justin could hear in that one word alone nearly made him stumble and all he could do was nod.

“Good,” Brian smiled gently as he watched Justin sit down in one of the chairs and moved over to the microwave to warm up the food.

There was once again a silence between them, but this time it felt less oppressive to Brian. It wasn't a comfortable silence either, but it was a lot less unnerving than the silence a couple of hours ago.

When the food was hot again, Brian put some on a plate and handed it to Justin before he sat down across from him.

“Thanks,” Justin just muttered before he started eating, almost greedily devouring the food on the plate, finishing it in no time.

Without a word, Brian got up and re-filled the plate once more handing it back to Justin who was just about to say something when the phone rang and Brian sighed. “Just give me a minute, okay?”

Justin nodded and Brian left the room to pick up the phone which was still lying in the living-room.

“Brian, how are you doing, mate?” Michael's cheerful voice greeted him and Brian wondered if this was supposed to be the universe's idea of a bad joke. Of all the times Michael could have called he had to call while Justin was sitting in his kitchen? Brian tried not to show Michael any of what he had just been thinking, knowing that Michael would pretty much lose his shit if he found out about that and greeted him back just as cheerfully.

“Mikey! Great! How are you and the professor? Ben doing okay?”

“Yeah, he's fine. In fact, he's working on preparing a lecture and I wondered if it would be okay if I came by later. I am kind of bored” Michael explained and Brian audibly sighed. 'Today? Of all the days?'

Michael heard Brian's sigh and immediately questioned his friend about it. “Brian?”

“Uhm...look, Mikey. Today is a bit bad. How about you come by tomorrow?”

Brian knew that Michael would be suspicious because Brian had never said no to a chance to meet with him ever since he'd been back in Pittsburgh. They had seen each other several times a week.

“Oh okay....you're busy?” Michael asked and Brian could already hear the suspicion in his voice. And he wasn't surprised. They had talked just yesterday and Brian had mentioned how he didn't have any plans for the next day after his latest pitch was done and that he would probably just spent some quality time by himself in his new home.

“Kind of. Look, how about I call you back later and we set up something for tomorrow?” Brian offered, trying to sound as cheery as he could, wanting to quash Michael's suspicions right away.

“So what are you doing? Working?” Michael asked instead, totally ignoring what Brian had said and he knew that Michael had probably looked right through him already and knew that something was up. Brian could hear it in his friend's voice and he wondered how Michael could read him so well even over the phone.

“Nah, just having a surprise visitor,” Brian replied, proud for not even lying to his friend. He hated lying and he hated lying to Michael even more and he was glad that he hadn't lied here. That feeling evaporated quickly however when Michael went and asked the only logical question.

“Oh, who is it? Someone I know?”

“No, actually not. Look, I really need to go now. Can I call you back later?” Brian tried once more to get Michael off the phone, this time the nervousness in his voice showed so much that even he noticed it and that Michael noticed it as well.

“Brian? What's going on?” Michael sounded worried and Brian cursed himself for even having picked up the phone and for not having hung up earlier. Of course Michael would be worried now, who wouldn't be if their friend was behaving and most importantly sounding so off over the phone?

“Nothing. Really...everything is fine. Now is just a bad time to talk. I'll call you back later, I promise,” Brian tried to soothe his friend's worries, trying to sound as positive and sincere as was possible. He knew that if he didn't convince Michael that everything was fine, the other man would show up outside his door in less than 15 minutes which was something he definitely wanted to avoid.

“Look, do you want me to come over?” Michael immediately offered, still hearing something odd in Brian's voice and his suspicion only increased when he heard Brian's answer.

“No! I just can't tonight, okay? So stop pestering me!”

“Brian? What is going on for god's sake?” Michael asked, now getting slightly angry with Brian for not telling him the truth and not telling him what the weird tone in his voice was all about. “I've known you long enough to know that you're hiding something from me and...what is it? I am your best friend, you can tell me.”

“It's better if you don't know, Mikey. So...just stop asking further questions, okay? I am fine! I promise! Everything is okay and I'll call you later and you can come over tomorrow, I promise. Just not now!” Brian said, getting slightly frustrated with his friend as he ran his hand through his hair. He would have hung up minutes ago, but he knew Michael well enough to know that that would have only made the other man rush towards Brian's door, something Brian wanted to avoid at all cost.

And then something clicked in Michael's brain and he finally understood why Brian was acting so weird. Brian only ever got this weird when he and Michael disagreed on something and Brian still went ahead with it anyway, knowing that Michael disagreed and would get angry and it didn't take him long to come up with the one thing they had been disagreeing about lately and to know what was going on.

“Oh Brian, are you fucking serious? He's there? At your place?” Michael just said into the phone, not quite able to believe that this was actually happening, but knowing that it was the case even before Brian replied to him.

“I am not going to talk to you now, Mikey. I'll call back later,” Brian said before hanging up, ending the conversation. He knew that Michael would be angry about that, but why did he have to fucking call now of all times? Couldn't he have called an hour later?

Brian sighed deeply as he threw away the phone and made his way back to the kitchen. He was already talking as he went. “Sorry about th-...”

Brian stopped abruptly when he saw that the kitchen was empty. Justin was nowhere in sight and without even bothering to call for him, Brian knew that he was gone. He had left while Brian had been talking to Michael. Cursing Michael and his call even more, Brian started to clear the table and frowned when he saw a small piece of paper sticking out from underneath Justin's plate. He picked it up and saw that there were only two words on it.

'Thank you'

Chapter 8

As Brian had expected, Michael had been beyond angry with him and in the end Brian had been so annoyed by his friend's anger that he had just hung up when he had called him back later that evening, but only after telling his friend to 'go and fuck off and let me live my life the way I want to!'.

He knew that he might have been too harsh, but Michael had really gotten on his nerves with his anger and Brian couldn't even really see why he was angry to begin with. It was his house, his life, his decision. He was an adult and he decided what he wanted to do, not Michael. He appreciated Michael's concern, but he didn't appreciate him trying to dictate what he could and couldn't do. If Brian wanted to offer food to Justin and told him that it was okay to come to his house whenever he was in need of food, he very well would. If Michael liked it or not. And it wasn't like he couldn't understand where Michael was coming from. He had tried to explain to his friend that he had doubted his own decision as well in the beginning, but was glad about it now because it gave him a way of helping Justin if only a little. And as Brian had tried to point out to Michael, wasn't it a good sign that Justin had shown up and had taken him up on his offer?

Brian had offered help and according to Emmett and Michael and everyone else, Justin had refused their help for years now, but he had taken up Brian on his offer. Wasn't that a good sign? He could have gone and stolen food again, but instead Justin now knew that there was a better way to get it and had chosen that way. To Brian that had been a good sign, at least he had been telling himself that it was a good thing, but he hadn't really expected anyone to agree with him anyway and wasn't all too surprised when everyone told him that he was putting too much hope on it.

In the end Brian hadn't talked to Michael for a week, had ignored his calls and text messages, had cursed him to hell and back before Ted had showed up in his office and had convinced him to talk to Michael and work this out. Ted had tried to make Brian understand that Michael had his reasons for being so negative when it came to Justin and that Brian would understand them, but once again he hadn't gotten into them, telling Brian that it wasn't his place to tell him what had happened between Justin and Michael.

Brian had gotten angry about that as well, wondering why no one wanted to tell him what had happened and why no one allowed him to make up his own mind about whether or not Michael had a right to be that angry, but in the end Michael had just told him that he didn't want to tell Brian and that he had his reasons for not doing so and had apologised to Brian for his behaviour, promising to not interfere like that again. Brian had accepted the apology and they had made up, even though Brian had made it clear that he still wasn't happy about no one telling him what had happened between Michael and Justin.

He had never been able to stay angry at Michael for long though, just as was the case the other way round and his mood instantly got better once they had made up again and had pushed that phone call and the fact that Brian had invited Justin into his house aside, accepting that they had different views and wouldn't agree on how to deal with Justin.

It wasn't perfect, but Brian knew that it was the best they could do, because he also knew that if he had a choice, he would do the same again and would make the same offer to Justin again. Even though they had hardly exchanged more than five words, Brian had a feeling that they were starting to build some sort of shaky relationship. A fucked up relationship, mind you, but a relationship where Justin apparently had trusted him enough to take him up on his offer and Brian just hoped that he would do so again.

Something had changed between them when Brian had begged Justin to stay and at least eat, promising him to let him go right after. Brian wasn't quite sure what it was, but the emotions he had seen in Justin's eyes hadn't been there before when he had seen him at the bar or that day at the fruit shop and for a moment he had even seen those dull eyes fill with something resembling life again and that had given him hope. Justin was still in there, he just knew it! Buried under a lot of shit and things he didn't even want to think about, but that moment in his living-room, he had seen Justin again. Not the drugged out being that he had become, but Justin. He had only been there for a second, but he had been there. Brian just hoped that Justin had felt it as well and had believed his words, trusting him enough to maybe come back when he was in need of food or something else once more. Brian hoped that he had made it clear to Justin that the offer was out there and that he didn't have to feel bad about taking him up on it, he hoped that Justin would, so he would get a chance to see him once more and maybe even be able to finally talk to him.

Or at least Brian had told himself that something had changed, but he started to doubt his own assessment when he hadn't heard from Justin again over the course of the next month. He didn't show up at Brian's place once and Brian couldn't help but feel worried. So worried that he had in fact started to go down to Larimer, ignoring the dangers, walking through the streets and checking the bars looking for a sign of Justin.

Brian had been down there for four nights already, this being the fifth night, mindlessly walking the streets, hoodie pulled up over his head and into his face, trying to hide who he was, hoping that no one would recognise him as being someone that had money and that he would get out of there safely at the end of the night.

He knew that Michael and most likely Emmett as well would have a fit if they knew that he had gone down there on his own and looking around at the dirty streets and the shady creatures walking them he couldn't even blame them. He knew that what he was doing was crazy, but he just needed to make sure that nothing had happened to Justin and that he was okay. That he hadn't shown up again at Brian's place because he was okay and not because he was even worse off than he had been that day. Because Brian was no fool. He had known that Justin's fidgeting was only partly due to his nervousness and embarrassment, knowing that a part of it, most likely the biggest part of it, came from the need for the next shot. He had seen it in Justin's reddened eyes. Those had been a clear giveaway.

Brian walked around a corner and mumbled a quiet “Sorry” when he nearly ran into someone. He didn't look up and chose to walk on.

“Hey,” the voice called after him and hearing the anger in it, Brian decided to just walk on and ignore it, knowing that it was safer than getting into a conversation with the owner of that voice.

“Hey, stop you fucktard!” that voice called after him, this time louder and even angrier.

Brian quickened his steps and walked on, knowing that now would be a perfect time to get out of there. As he rounded the next corner, he gasped when he felt something hit his back, making him fall to the ground and scream at the pain of it.

“Aaaah,” he pressed out as he hit the floor, feeling a kick to his side shortly after, making him scream again, this time more in surprise than in pain. He immediately rolled himself up into a ball, trying to give his attacker as little room to hurt him as was possible, wondering why he had been crazy enough to come down to this part of town on his own, knowing that he would now pay for it.

He soon felt a second person starting to attack him as well, aiming for his head and he gasped and groaned in pain when he felt heavy boots connect with the side of his head, making him see stars and dark spots.

His attackers hit and kicked him for several minutes, throwing slurs in his direction the whole time they were doing so, making him wonder if this was how he was going to die. After a couple of minutes the pain got so intense that all Brian could do was moan and try to get some air into his lungs, trying to breathe away the pain which was futile because it was so intense. It went through his body like a red wave washing away everything else but intense pain. Just as Brian thought he was going to pass out and was secretly looking forward to it, hoping that it would make the pain stop, he heard a third voice as from far away.

“Stop!”

To his surprise his two attackers immediately let go of him, making him wonder who that third person was that had just arrived. Brian tried to open one of his eyes, which had already started to close due to the swelling and he could see the blurry form of a big, bulky man, praying to all the gods that he could think of to please make it quick when he recognised the man as Danny, Justin's boyfriend. The guy who he had insulted by touching Justin, according to Emmett.

'Great' Brian thought to himself as he tried to roll himself into a ball even more, gasping at the pain coming from his ribs, immediately stopping any movement at all for fear of hurting himself even more.

“Isn't that the posh fag?” Danny asked, looking at the two other men who had attacked Brian, waiting for them to confirm his thoughts. When they both nodded, obviously immediately knowing what or who he was referring to, he moved over to Brian and leaned down in front of him, took his chin in his hand and painfully made Brian look up at him.

“Funny...you know? The last time I saw you, I clearly remember Justin telling you not to come back and fuck off. I always knew that his old friends were slow on the uptake, but I didn't know that they also had a death wish,” he hissed in Brian's direction before spitting at him and letting go of his chin, letting it fall back to the ground, making Brian groan in pain once more.

Brian saw the man turn around to the other two and what he heard next made his intestines grow cold. “Get Justin here! I want him to do it!”

Brian didn't know what Danny meant by 'do it', but he had a pretty good idea that it probably wasn't anything good and he definitely didn't want Justin to see him like this or do something even worse to him.

“N-n-o-o,” Brian pressed out, not even sure if his voice could be heard or not, surprised when Danny turned around and grinned at him evilly.

“I am the one who makes the decisions here, not you, posh fag. So shut up and spare your breath,” he walked over to Brian, giving him another kick to his midsection for good measure, making Brian yell in pain once more.

They were alone for several minutes before Brian could hear voices coming up to them and he saw several people turn the corner seconds later, Justin one of them.

And even though he was in a horrible condition and doing badly, he could immediately see that Justin was doing even worse. He was shaking badly and needed to be held up by two other guys who helped him walk. He was also sweating profusely and his face was contorted in a mask of pain. Even though he had enough other things to worry about, Brian immediately knew that Justin was in desperate need of his next fix, going into detox right in front of his eyes. Brian had read about going cold turkey and he could only imagine the pain Justin had to be in right that moment. And yet he saw those eyes grow wide in alarm when they recognised Brian and saw the shape that he was in.

“N-nooo,” the younger man muttered, looking from Brian to Danny and back.

Danny walked over to Brian and roughly emptied Brian's bags, not even caring about his injuries or how much pain he was causing him. He probably enjoyed hurting him. He made a small pile in front of Brian, which consisted of Brian's cell, his car keys and his wallet, which he knew was filled with several hundred dollars of cash and all his cards. He cursed himself for having been dumb enough to even take it along into this part of town, but knew that it was too late for that now.

Danny waved his hand and Justin was brought over to him and he made him kneel down in front of Brian.

“Tell me how much cash is in the wallet, Justin,” Danny ordered and Justin looked at him, his eyes wide as he shook his head slowly.

“Tell me how much money, Justin,” Danny repeated once more, his voice dangerously low as he violently grabbed the younger man's arm and led it to the pile of Brian's things, making him take the wallet.

Justin didn't look at Brian once, his eyes downcast as he took the wallet into his shaking hands, opened it slowly and counted the cash. “About $400,” he pressed out and Brian could see that even those few words caused him great pain.

Danny looked at Justin and lay a hand on his shoulder. “You know how many drugs you can buy with that, don't you? How long you wouldn't have to worry about getting your next fix, right? You could make the pain stop right away if you take it. Your decision,” Danny said to Justin who was shaking even stronger now, before he turned around and walked over to the rest of the group, leaving Brian and Justin alone.

Brian could easily see the inner turmoil in Justin, could see the inner war waging inside of him, could see him trying to come to a decision. And even before Justin had come to that decision, Brian already knew what it would be. Justin was an addict, that much had been obvious to him for months now. He was in desperate need of a fix and here was enough money to keep him going for at least another week or two, depending on what drug he bought with it and even though Brian wanted to believe that he mattered and that Justin cared about him and even though he had hoped that somewhere deep inside of that person there was still a trace of the old Justin, Brian knew that even though he might hate himself for it later, Justin would take the money. The drugs would win. The addiction controlled him and overruled any personal feelings there might be. And Brian knew there were feelings, because he could see so much pain when Justin's eyes settled on his own, and he knew that that pain didn't come from the detox that Justin was going through, but from the fact that it had come to this.

Not wanting to make this any harder on Justin, Brian nodded slightly and whispered. “Take it.”

Brian saw Justin's eyes settle on his own, saw them staring at his intently, filled with so much pain that it made him gasp, making him forget about his own pain for a few seconds. He just felt breathless at the amount of pain he saw in Justin's eyes and he gasped once more when he saw the younger man shake his head slowly and put the wallet back down on the pile of Brian's things in front of him.

“No,” he just whispered, barely audible, but Brian had still heard it because Justin had been so close and because his eyes had said the same thing and Brian watched as Justin struggled to get up on his feet, two of his friends immediately coming over, helping him up. Justin's eyes never left Brian's, a silent conversation went on between them until the moment Justin had turned the corner and Brian could only hear Danny's angry voice.

“Are you stupid? You know how long that money would have kept you going?”

And then, as the adrenaline left his body, everything turned black and Brian welcomed the black numbness of unconsciousness.

Chapter 9

As Brian tried to open his eyes, he felt like heavy weights were hanging on his lids, pulling them down, not allowing him to open his eyes. He groaned with the effort of it, surprised when he heard the painful groan and realised that it had come from him and that he had made that sound in the effort to just open his eyes. The more he came around, the more he felt the pain in all parts of his body and he could only moan against it.

“Shhhh, take it easy. Take it easy, Brian,” a familiar voice said and Brian tried to turn his head in the direction from where it had come.

“Mi-ch-a-el,” Brian pressed out as he tried once more to open his eyes and this time succeeded slightly if only with his left eye, seeing the worried face of his friend close by.

“Shhh, don't speak, Brian,” Michael said quietly and Brian only nodded, sighing in relief when he felt his head being lifted and saw his friend holding a glass of water to his mouth. He gratefully started drinking from it.

Once Michael had put the glass away, Brian tried to take in his surroundings and frowned in confusion, or at least tried to, when he realised that he was in the guestroom of Michael's and Ben's house. “H-h-how?” He asked, knowing that Michael would understand and indeed he did.

“I got a text...an unknown number. Telling me to pick you up and take care of you. The text told me where to find you and I immediately called Emmett and took him along and geez, Brian...what happened to you?”

“Got...att-ack-ed,” Brian got out, taking a deep breath against the pain.

“We could see that. But by who? And what were you doing in that part of town?”

“Long...story,” Brian said quietly and he could see Michael's face darken and could hear him say just one word.

“Justin.”

Brian shook his head slowly, stopping when he started to feel dizzy from just that simple movement. “N-no.”

“Don't lie to me, Brian. You were down there because of Justin and just look where it has gotten you! You could have died! It's a wonder you don't have any more serious injuries than the ones you have. The doctor was surprised that you hadn't hurt any internal organs. Damn, do you know how close to dying you were out there? You cracked two ribs. What if they had punctured any organs?”

Brian closed his eyes again, easily hearing the worry and fear in Michael's voice, knowing that it had every right to be there. After all he had thought himself that he would die there and he knew that he was lucky to still be alive.

“Sorr-y...,” he whispered before he felt blackness come up once more and was out again, leaving a worried Michael to just look at him and push a strand of hair out of his swollen and bruised face.

“Oh Brian,” Michael sighed sadly, looking at his friend, wondering what the story behind Brian's current condition was, not sure if he really wanted to know.

***

It took Brian two more days before he was able to sit up again and have a decent conversation with Michael, knowing that his friend deserved answers to his questions and deserved to know what had happened. Brian took a deep breath before he started speaking.

“I know you're angry and...,”

Michael interrupted Brian right away, looking at him sadly. “Worried, Brian. I am worried about you. Don't you see? You're getting in over your head...You could have died out there. And what for? A misguided attempt to help someone who has made it clear again and again that he doesn't want our help?”

Brian sighed, shifting on the bed, trying to get into a more comfortable position so he wouldn't feel the pain from his two cracked ribs, which he soon realised was a futile attempt because it hurt no matter how he sat.

“He took my help, Mikey...he came to me and...he took my help,” Brian only repeated what he had told Michael several times before already.

“And because of that you've gotten it into your head that you can become his saviour and can just walk into that part of town and get yourself killed for him?”

Brian shook his head slowly, looking down at his own hands. “He was there.”

“WHAT? He...he attacked you?” Michael asked wide-eyed, anger already entering his voice. “That fucking bastard!”

“No...he didn't do anything. He...,” Brian started, but then stopped.

“He what? He just stood by and let them beat you into a bloody pulp?”

“No...Michael...,” Brian sighed, trying to think of a way to make Michael understand what had happened that night without making him lose faith in Brian's mental state completely.

“He was in no state to interfere or attack me or do anything, pretty much,” Brian began. “He...he was in pain and suffering and...I think he had started going into detox and was in desperate need of his next fix when...it happened. I...look, I know it was stupid, but I needed to talk to him. After he had come to my house and had taken my help...I know you don't understand or believe me, Michael, but...something happened that day! He took my help and I know that...I know that I can get through to him. And I just needed to try, so...I went down there and hung out there several nights, looking for him, trying to see him and be able to talk to him,” Brian stopped shortly when he saw Michael's eyes widen in shock at his admission that he had been down there before on his own, but he was grateful when Michael didn't say anything and just let him continue with his story.

“I was just walking down a street, turning a corner when I stumbled into someone and...I apologised and moved on, but the guy came after me and soon enough he and his buddy were beating the shit out of me and then...that boyfriend of Justin's showed up and he joined them until he called for someone to get Justin and...he was in bad shape, Mikey. Really bad shape, but...even then I could see that...he was shocked by what had happened and...he cared,” Brian said, glaring at Michael when he thought he had heard him mutter an angry 'As if'.

“Danny forced him to count the money in my wallet and...it was quite a lot and he went on telling Justin to think about how long that money would keep him going, how many drugs he could buy with it and I could see that he was seriously thinking about taking it, but...at the same time he didn't want to. He was struggling with himself and...I just told him to take it.”

At that point Michael interrupted Brian, looking at him as if he had really lost his mind. “Okay, let me get this straight: You go there with money? You take money along and then tell Justin to take it so he can get even more drugs and can get high on your bill?”

“They would have taken it anyway, Michael and...I just knew that Danny wanted to punish Justin for something by making him do it and...I could see how much he was suffering and...I just wanted to help him,” Brian tried to defend his actions, looking at his friend helplessly. “You didn't see him. It was killing me. I...I couldn't even think about my own pain because...I could just see his pain and I wanted it to end, but...,” Brian stopped.

Michael looked at him sadly, wondering what would come next. “But?” He gently prompted.

“He didn't take it. He gave it back to me,” Brian whispered, looking at Michael from pained eyes. “He...he was suffering badly and...I had told him to take it, but...he didn't. He shook his head and said no and...he went, but...as he went...there was something in his eyes...I know that I can get through to him, Mikey!”

Michael looked at Brian and seemed to be genuinely surprised by the fact that Justin hadn't taken his money. “He didn't take it?”

Brian just shook his head and pointed to his stuff lying nearby. “It's all still there. My cash, my cards...he didn't take it...”

“Even though he was already in serious need of his next fix?” Michael asked, just to clarify that he had gotten that part right and Brian only nodded.

They stayed quiet for several minutes, each hanging on to their own thoughts, until Brian asked a question that had been on his mind ever since he had woken up again for the first time two days ago.

“Who...who sent you that text? Telling you where to find me?”

Michael got his cell out of his pants pocket and pushed a few buttons before handing it to Brian. “You tell me. I have no idea.”

'Brian's hurt badly. Corner of Auburn/Larimer. Get him out of there and take care of him. Don't let him come back.'

Brian read the text again and again, trying to make sense of it. “Do you think...”

“Justin? It certainly crossed my mind...where else would they have gotten my number from or would have known to text me of all people?”

Brian nodded, the same thoughts just having gone through his head as well.

“But...why?”

Michael shrugged. “I have no idea.”

“Do you think...that maybe...,” Brian started and looked at Michael from hopeful eyes, a look that was returned by sad ones looking back at him.

“You have no idea how much I would wish that it was true, but...I don't know, Brian...I just don't know...none of this makes sense, does it?”

Brian shook his head. No, it didn't make sense. Why hadn't Justin taken his money? He had been in desperate need of money and Brian's money would have helped him get out of his own pain, yet he hadn't taken it and had apparently even gotten Brian help though he must have been going through hell. Why would he do that when he had obviously never cared about any of his friends in the last few years? Why would Brian be different from the others? Why would Justin care about him and would take help from him and would get help for him, but didn't seem to care about any of his other friends? Brian had seen with his own eyes how cold Justin had acted towards Emmett. Why would Justin act differently with him? And then it hit Brian. One of the last things Justin had said on that fateful day three years ago came back to him. 'I love you.”

What if Michael had been right and Justin had gone down that road because he had never gotten over being left behind by Brian? What if he still had feelings for Brian that he didn't have for anyone else? What if he still cared for Brian and maybe even loved him? He had seen in Justin's eyes that he had been shocked and hurt by seeing Brian like that. His eyes hadn't been as dull as they had been when Justin had talked to him and Emmett. There had been life and pain, but Brian knew without a doubt that the pain he had seen in Justin's eyes hadn't only come from him going into detox, but also from seeing Brian so badly hurt. Justin still cared about him and Brian was sure that it had been Justin who had sent Michael the text, making sure that he would be taken care of and would be alright. And if Justin still cared about him...that meant that Brian might be able to get through to him.

“I have to go back, Michael,” Brian suddenly announced, making Michael shake his head instantly.

“No way! Just look at you, Brian! They nearly killed you. You can't go back. And why in the name of god would you even want to go back?” He asked incredulously.

“I...I think you're right. I...I think you were right all along,” Brian just muttered, thinking about it some more, everything becoming clearer the longer he thought about it.

“I was? About what?” Michael frowned, clearly not able to follow Brian.

“I think...I think he never really got over me and...he still cares for me and...that's why I might be the only one who can get through to him,” Brian explained.

“What?”

“It's obvious that he still cares, isn't it? He...he came by my place and accepted my offer for help when he never did so with anyone else before and...he didn't take my money even though he had the chance to and I even told him to take it, but he didn't...instead he went through more pain and in his pain even cared enough to send you a text to help me. It's the only explanation that makes sense, isn't it? He still cares about me and can't treat me as coldly as he treats everyone else. And...that's our chance, isn't it?” Brian asked Michael hopefully, clear excitement in his voice at having figured that out, thinking that he had now found a way to help Justin. His hope however, was immediately dashed by Michael.

“If what you say is true and he still cares and...you could help him...why did he always run away whenever we told him that we'd call you? Why didn't he want that?”

“I...I don't know,” Brian helplessly admitted, thinking about it for a while before he slowly realised the answer. “He didn't want me to see him like that. He didn't want to face me in his state and...,” something else suddenly clicked in Brian's mind. “That's why he was so cold when I went to that bar with Emmett. He wasn't cold towards me...he was angry at Emmett for taking me there...it wasn't even about me, but about being angry at Emmett.”

“Brian,” Michael began, sounding beyond doubtful. “As nice as all of that sounds, I think you're running into a dead end here. You're getting your hopes up only to have them dashed and...you're already hurt enough. Just look at you! You need to let go of this, Brian. You can't help Justin. Not anymore. He made his choice...,” Michael said sadly before getting up. “Don't go down that road, Brian. It can only end badly and I don't want to see you get any more hurt than you already have,” he added before opening the door. “You should rest for a bit.”

As Michael left the room and left him on his own, Brian wondered if his friend was right and if he was just holding on to some hope that wasn't really there, trying to tell himself that it wasn't too late when it already was. But something deep inside of him told him that he had managed to break the wall of coldness that Justin had built around himself for protection and that he had the chance to tear it down if he only pursued this path that they had apparently moved on. He knew that there was still a chance to save Justin and get the old Justin Taylor back. He was still there, Brian had seen glimpses of him just two days ago and lying here in Michael's guestroom, his whole body still aching from his injuries, Brian made a vow that he would do everything in his power to bring him back again.

Chapter 10

Brian stayed with Michael and Ben for another week much to his own frustration until both Michael and the doctor deemed him healed enough to return back to his own house, able to take care of himself.

He was still wearing a cast around his left arm which had been broken when he had been attacked and there were still some slight bruises on his body speaking of how badly it had been hurt, but for the most part he felt okay again and was ready to go back home.

He had impacted Michael's life enough already and was more than grateful to his friend for taking care of him like that even though he had his own partner to think about. Michael had taken care of Brian's injuries, had made sure that he took his medicine and had spared him the task of having to cook or order takeout, taking care of all that and Brian appreciated it, yet he had been itching to return to his own home again, had been itching to set his plan into motion.

During the time he lay in bed in Michael's and Ben's guestroom, Brian had thought some more about his plan to get Justin back and he knew that he needed to talk to him on his own. He needed to catch Justin alone and needed to get a chance to talk to him in private without anyone else around, especially not that jerk of a boyfriend.

He just had no idea how to achieve that. He had tried to go to Larimer before and hadn't managed to find Justin, even though his friends had found him and Brian didn't need another reminder that he wasn't welcome there. He had gotten the message loud and clear, yet he knew that he needed to speak to Justin. Convinced that the text Michael had gotten had come from Justin, Brian had sneaked out of his room one night and had taken Michael's cell, had copied the number and had tried calling the number several times, hoping to get to speak to Justin, but the phone had always been turned off. He just got a standard anonymous voice mail again and again and he hadn't dared to leave a message in case the text hadn't come from Justin, but from someone else.

So Brian had spent most of his time at Michael's thinking about how he could get his chance to speak to Justin, getting it into his head more and more that he just needed to talk to him to make him see the light. At times he even realised himself how naïve the thought of just talking to Justin and making him miraculously see the light was, and he wondered if he was indeed losing his mind and running into something that would only end badly.

By the time he went back home, he had mostly convinced himself that he was running on a fool's hope and that there was no point in talking to Justin and that Michael was right that it wouldn't do any good, but that opinion had changed once more, the minute Brian had checked his mail from the previous week and a half and had found a note in it that made his heart stop.

It was just a blank piece of paper, but Brian immediately recognised the handwriting, having seen it hundreds of times before.

'Don't come back. It's not safe. Stay away, please. Sorry! J'

Brian had read the note again and again, recognising it for what it was. Justin was pleading with him to stay away because he would be in danger if he came back. Which meant that Justin was worried about him and that to Brian only meant one thing. Justin still cared and if he still cared, that meant that there was still a chance to reach him. He hadn't changed completely. He had once again proven that he was still in there and knowing that it could probably cost him his friendship to Michael, maybe even his life if he wasn't careful, Brian made a decision to go down to Larimer again. He would talk to Justin and he would plead with him to turn away from that life if it was the last thing he ever did. Which he realised it very well could be, seeing how his last visit there had ended.

Once evening had come, Brian had made his way down to Larimer and was walking the streets, looking for Justin. He hadn't even bothered to hide behind a hoodie or something, knowing that it wouldn't help anyway. It hadn't helped last time and he was sure that if they wanted to find him, they would.

He walked down several streets, entered several bars, looking for Justin, but saw no sign of him anywhere. After two hours Brian decided that there was no point in pushing his luck any further and that it was best to get out of there while he still could, feeling dejected and beyond frustrated at his lack of success.

Walking down the street towards the car park where he had left his car, he didn't notice the small figure that followed him and his heart nearly stopped when he heard the voice he had been looking for all evening address him.

“What are you doing here? I told you to stay away,” Justin angrily hissed in his direction, making Brian turn around and look at him.

“I need to talk to you. Alone,” Brian just said, not surprised to see that Justin seemed to be angry about him showing up.

“Do you have any idea about the danger you're in showing up here again?” Justin asked him, wearing a look that right that moment reminded Brian a lot of how Michael had looked at him when Brian had announced that he wanted to go back just two days after he had been beaten to within an inch of his life.

“A pretty good one,” Brian lifted his arm that was still in a cast. “I am not stupid.”

“Well, you could have fooled me,” Justin gave back, walking up closer to Brian, his voice taking on a pleading tone. “You need to get out of here!”

“Not without you,” Brian replied calmly, looking Justin square in the eyes.

“What?”

“Not if you don't come with me. You don't belong here, Justin. This isn't your life...please...come with me and let us find a way to end this,” Brian pleaded, not even caring that he had managed to go from calm to sounding pathetic in just three seconds.

“You are crazy!” Justin hissed, looking at Brian with wide eyes. “Have you lost your mind?”

“I have never been more sane and I mean it. Come with me! Please, Justin! Don't do this to yourself.”

“What I do to myself or don't is none of your business,” Justin had started to move away again, about to turn around. “Leave, Brian. And don't come back!”

“I will come back for as long as I have to until I get you to come back with me,” Brian declared, making Justin stop and look at him once more from sad eyes, yet Brian thought he also saw a small smile dancing on Justin's lips.

“You've always been stubborn, but it's useless this time, Brian. Go!”

“No,” Brian cried out, making Justin look around fearfully, looking if someone had heard Brian's raised voice. “No,” the older man continued more quietly. “I refuse to accept that!”

Justin looked at Brian from pained eyes, his whole expression one of sorrow. “You can't help me, Brian. It's too late...go back and live your life and...forget about me...please!”

Brian laughed hollowly. “Forget about you? What kind of person do you think I am? To just sit back and watch on as a friend of mine throws away his life? You know that's not who I am.”

“Friend?” Justin asked, looking at Brian from even sadder, yet doubtful eyes.

“Friend,” Brian confirmed. “You've been a friend for quite some time before I left for New York...and when I came back this summer...I was hoping that maybe...maybe we could work on getting that friendship back...We were friends and...I was hoping that maybe we could get back to that, forget about all the old shit and...well, just try to be friends and...,” Brian stopped in a near panic when he saw Justin walk away from him without saying another word.

“And I am not going to give up on you! I am your friend, Justin!” Brian called after him, watching as Justin turned a corner without looking back at him once, sighing deeply and kicking the nearest wall in frustration. “Shit, shit, shit!”

The conversation hadn't quite gone the way Brian had wanted it to and it had definitely not ended the way he had wanted it to, but he realised that he had been foolish to expect anything else and knew that he had done all he could to make Justin see that he was serious about wanting to help him.

He walked back to his car, knowing that there was nothing else he could do but leave, feeling beyond frustrated with himself for his own naivety and stupidity. He had been a fool to think that Justin might listen to him when he hadn't listened to Emmett or Michael or anyone else before and Michael had been right. Brian had been running into something that just couldn't end well.

Those thoughts were running through his head as he put his car key in the lock and wanted to open the door when he heard two loud sounds that sounded like shots to him followed by a bloodcurdling scream that made his blood freeze in his veins.

His intestines went ice-cold when he turned around in the direction from where the shots and the scream had come, because Brian had known that voice. The person that had been screaming to wake the dead had been Justin.

Without thinking Brian started running in the direction of where the scream had come from, realising that it had come from about several hundreds metres up a street on the other side of the car park. He crossed the car park at a speed he didn't even know he was able to run when he saw a car come out of a small side street, driving away quickly, totally ignoring all traffic rules and Brian knew without a doubt that that car had something to do with the shots and Justin's scream and that it must have come from that small side street.

Scared of what he might see when he turned into the street, Brian rounded the corner, stopping in his tracks at the sight in front of him, a feeling of relief washing through him, even though he knew that he shouldn't feel that way at what he was seeing.

Justin was alive! He was alive and seemed unhurt, but the same couldn't be said for the person he was cradling in his arms. Brian saw a huge stain of blood get bigger and bigger by the second on the floor close to a kneeling Justin and he knew that the blood came from the big wound in the chest of the man that Justin was cradling in his arms as he wept.

Brian quickly made his way over and roughly pushed a wailing Justin aside, checking the vitals of the man he immediately recognised as Danny and considering the wound on his chest, he wasn't all that surprised when he couldn't get a pulse. He knew that there was no help for him, so he carefully let go off him and took Justin into his arms who looked around wildly and slightly panicked.

“Are you okay? Are you hurt?” Brian asked, quickly checking Justin's bloodied clothes, sighing in relief when Justin shook his head.

“Not my blood,” he whispered, and the tone of his voice made Brian shudder. It sounded hollow and dead and Brian had never before heard something as horrifying as that.

“What happened here? Jesus Christ...what went on here?” Brian asked, trying to get a grip on the situation, looking around for help, knowing that they were on their own. No one had come upon hearing Justin's screams or the shots and Brian wondered what he had expected. This part of town was known for its gangs and notorious crimes. People were smarter than to get involved in that.

“They...they shot him...just shot him...,” Justin mumbled over and over and Brian realised that he was in shock. He was hugging himself and slowly rocking back and forth and Brian only tightened his grip on Justin's shaking body.

“Shhhhh...calm down,” Brian whispered before pulling back and looking at Justin intently. “Do you have drugs on you?”

Justin looked at him from wide, teary eyes and frowned, obviously not understanding why Brian would ask that question now.

“Do you or don't you?” Brian asked again and he was relieved when Justin shook his head. “Good,” Brian said before pulling out his cell and calling 911. He had wanted to call 911 right away, but he had realised that Justin would be in deep trouble if the police found him with drugs on him. Michael had told him that Justin had been arrested for drug possession before and with him being the only witness of what had just happened, Brian just knew that they would want to talk to him and might even search him. At first his instincts had told him to just go and grab Justin and get the hell out of there, but then he had looked at the dead body lying close by and he knew that they had to stay.

Brian talked to the police for a couple of minutes, giving them their location and giving them a quick overview over what had happened, watching on as he saw Justin move over to Danny's body, cradling it once more, breaking Brian's heart with the pain he could see in those expressive eyes of the man that had once been his lover.

Brian watched them for about two minutes before he heard sirens coming closer and saw two police cars and an ambulance coming up the street towards them. The medics immediately rushed to Danny's body, gently prising Justin away from him as they went to check his vitals and could only confirm what Brian had already known for several minutes. He was dead. He went over and took a still sobbing and crying Justin into his arms. He tried to get him away from the body the medics were now covering with a white linen and watched as two police officers came over to them, asking them about what had happened.

Brian told them his story first, seeing that Justin was still trying to get himself under control, telling them all that he knew and had seen, also giving them a description of the car that he had seen coming out of the street just a few seconds after the shots had been fired.

The officers then went and questioned Justin who told them how he had come up the street from the other side and had seen Danny arguing with two men, had walked closer when he had suddenly seen one of the men pull a gun and aim it directly at Danny and had then seen him collapsing to the floor. He tried to give them descriptions of the men, but with it being night and this being a dark street, they weren't too accurate and as the medics checked Justin for signs of shock or some other injuries, Brian went over to a police officer and asked him for his opinion.

The officer just shrugged at Brian. “Probably gang related...or a drug crime...he's a well known dealer around here. Maybe some pissed-off client. Stuff like this happens all the time here.”

Brian just nodded, pretty much having expected to hear just that and asked the officers if they were free to go or still needed. He sighed in relief when the officer told them that they could go, but needed a contact address in case of there being further questions.

After Brian had given him his address, not really knowing about Justin's address and just telling the officer that they could reach him at his place, too, he moved over to Justin who was quietly sitting on a gurney, seemingly in trance, not paying any attention to anything that was going on around him. Brian gently lay a hand on Justin's shoulder, which made the younger man wince, but not look up.

“Let's get out of here,” Brian said gently and was actually quite surprised when he saw the younger man nod. Brian had expected Justin to fight against going with him, but Justin just leaned into Brian's side and rested his head on Brian's shoulder as the older man pulled him close and led him away back to his car.

Justin didn't say a single word on the whole drive home which had Brian slightly worried. He just stared out of the window at the passing scenery, every once in a while taking a nail into his mouth and absentmindedly biting on it, almost making Brian smile with the familiarity of that gesture.

As they pulled into Brian's drive, he got Justin out of the car and led him inside the house, leading him right upstairs to the bathroom, making him sit on the edge of the bathtub, not sure if Justin had even realised where they were. Brian left Justin alone for a few seconds and went into his bedroom, opened his closet and pulled out a shirt and some track pants, returning to the bathroom with those items.

Justin's clothes were covered in blood and he needed to get out of them and for now Brian's clothes would just have to do. Brian put the clothes down on the floor before he knelt in front of Justin.

“You need to get out of your clothes, Justin,” Brian gently said, looking as the younger man slowly lifted his head as if he was just coming out of a trance, only now realising that they were in the bathroom of Brian's house. Justin nodded slowly, but still didn't say anything.

“Take a shower, okay?” Brian quietly said, before he got up and squeezed Justin's shoulder. “I'll wait downstairs. Just call if you need anything, okay?”

Justin only nodded once more and looked after Brian as he left the bathroom, leaving the door slightly ajar. Brian hadn't felt comfortable leaving Justin alone in that state, but he would have felt even more uncomfortable, watching him as he took that shower, so he just decided to leave the door slightly ajar and to listen if everything was okay. He moved away from the door when he heard movement a few minutes later and heard the water being turned on.

Brian went downstairs and made two strong coffees, knowing that they were both in desperate need of one, adding some whiskey to them, hoping that it would help them calm down. At first he had thought of only adding whiskey to his one, but not Justin's, but had then realised that a shot of whiskey was probably the least of Justin's problems as far as addictions went and had added one to his as well. He sat down at the kitchen table and waited for the younger man to show up which he did about 20 minutes later.

Justin slowly made his way downstairs, now wearing Brian's clothes and his shoulders were slumped, his head hung low as he scuffled into the kitchen. Brian looked up at him and saw that Justin looked slightly better, though he had apparently cried, judging by his red-rimmed eyes.

Brian silently handed him the prepared cup of coffee, which the younger man took gratefully. He took a sip from it before he sat down in one of the chairs at Brian's kitchen table, still not looking at him.

“Are you okay?” Brian asked worriedly, knowing that it was probably a really stupid question in light of what had just happened.

“No,” Justin whispered as he looked up at Brian from glassy eyes. “I don't think so.”

Brian slowly took one of Justin's hands that lay on the table and squeezed it. “I am sorry, Justin. So sorry.”

And as he said it, he realised that he really was. That Danny guy had been a jerk as far as Brian was concerned and knowing that he had most likely been the one to pull Justin into this shit still made red-hot fury erupt inside of Brian, but he could also see that Justin was very shaken by what had happened and he must have liked him, maybe even loved him if that guy had been his boyfriend and Brian felt sorry for the pain Justin was now going through.

“Thanks,” Justin muttered, before he looked up at Brian for the first time in hours. “Thanks for everything really.”

“You're welcome,” Brian replied sincerely, then let go off Justin's hand and just looked at him. “I want you to know that...you can stay here for as long as you want to.”

Justin nodded once at that before returning his attention to his cup of coffee and not saying any more until he had emptied it and looked up at Brian, obviously feeling nervous.

“I...I think I want to lie down for a bit,” he said quietly and Brian looked at the clock on the wall and realised that it was already past 2am. He hadn't even noticed how late it already was and slowly got up from his chair. “Sure, I'll just get the guestroom ready.”

“No, don't. I'll...I'll just crash on the couch or something,” Justin mumbled, obviously feeling like Brian shouldn't go and get his guestroom ready for him at two in the morning.

“Don't be stupid. I'll just be two minutes and it'll be a lot more comfortable than the couch,” Brian waved away Justin's remark, leaving the kitchen and moving upstairs to get the guestroom ready. He wasn't really surprised when he saw Justin appear in the doorway shortly after, watching him from there.

“See? Wasn't that much work,” Brian proudly declared as he was done, moving over to Justin and putting his hand on his shoulder. “Try to get some rest, okay? And if you need anything...you know where the bedroom is.”

“Thank you...you shouldn't be doing all this for me,” Justin whispered as a single tear left his eyes and ran down his cheek.

“Yes, I should. I'd be doing it for every one of my friends,” Brian quietly replied before he left the room and moved along the hall to his own bedroom, sinking under the covers there less than five minutes later, trying to find some sleep while his mind seemed intent on re-playing all of today's events over and over, keeping him awake for almost another two hours before sleep finally claimed him.

Chapter 11

When Brian woke up the next morning, he climbed out of bed, wondering if everything had just been one big nightmare. He walked down the hall towards the guestroom and found the door still slightly ajar, just as he had left it the night before. Justin was lying in the bed, obviously still asleep, confirming to Brian that everything had really happened and hadn't been a nightmare.

He felt a sense of relief at still finding Justin in his guestroom, not really sure what he had been expecting, though if he was honest with himself, he wouldn't have been too surprised either if Justin had just left some time in the middle of the night without a word. By now Brian was pretty much prepared for anything where Justin was concerned, but he was glad to find that he was still here in his house.

He made his way downstairs into his kitchen and started preparing breakfast, guessing that Justin should be up soon as well. He checked the time and frowned when he saw that it was already past 10am. He went and picked up his newspaper, mindlessly flicking through it until he had gotten to the sports page, but realised soon that he wasn't really able to concentrate on that either. His mind was somewhere else and he knew that some decisions needed to be made soon. Concerning the one person his thoughts were always returning to.

Brian really hoped that he could make Justin stop from going back to Larimer. What he had seen yesterday had shocked him to the core and it pained him to accept that maybe one day Justin would end just like Danny had ended last night. He couldn't let that happen and he was already thinking about what to say to make the younger man see that going back would be the wrong thing to do when he realised that he had no idea about what to do if Justin agreed to not go back. What then? He was highly addicted to several drugs and would soon need a new fix and all Brian could think about was getting him into a rehab clinic. But how did those things even work? Did one just show up at one and say 'Here I am, treat me'? Would they even get a place right away? And if not...what was he going to do with Justin until they had that place? Allow him to stay in his house and do drugs here?

The more Brian thought about it, the more he realised that he hadn't given any of these things any thought before and that he had no idea about what to do or how to do these things. He was definitely way out of his league and just knew that he would need help. If he got Justin to stay, he would have to talk to Michael, seeing how Emmett was out of town on a vacation and he would have to ask Michael for advice. Michael had mentioned trying to get Justin into rehab before, so he was bound to know how these things worked. He would be able to help and Brian just hoped that he would also be willing to do so. He was slightly scared of Michael finding out that he had gone to Larimer again and feared his reaction. Michael would be pissed, rightly so, but Brian hoped that even despite that he would help them get all this sorted. If Justin wanted that help, that was...what if he didn't? What if he insisted on going back? What would Brian do then? He couldn't make him stop, could he? He could hardly go and tie him to the bed in the guestroom and stop him from leaving, right? There were so many uncertainties and so many things running through Brian's head, worrying him greatly, that he didn't even hear Justin walk into the kitchen and only noticed his presence when he sat down opposite Brian.

Brian forced himself to let go off those thoughts and come back to the here and now, looking over at Justin and taking in his form. He looked troubled and beyond exhausted, far from refreshed as one normally would after sleeping for so long and Brian wondered when Justin had finally fallen asleep, figuring that he had probably been awake for quite some time just as he had been himself.

“Morning,” Brian greeted. “How are you doing?”

Justin shrugged. “Had better days.”

“Did you manage to get some sleep?”

“A bit,” Justin answered truthfully before he looked around the kitchen, nervously wringing his hands, not looking at Brian. “Look, I...I want to thank you for...for all you did, but...I think I should really leave now.”

“At least stay for breakfast,” Brian only replied and got up and to get the breakfast over from the counter where he had left it once he had been done preparing it. “You can do with a decent meal, Justin.”

“Brian...I...,” Justin started, but then stopped.

“Just breakfast,” Brian said, looking over at Justin sadly, by now knowing better than to pressure him into something he obviously didn't want, trying to go slowly here. “Then you can go, if you want to.”

Justin took a deep breath and Brian already steeled himself for his excuses for why he would have to leave right away, but in the end Justin just nodded, surprising both Brian and apparently also himself.

Once Brian had set the table, he sat down in his former place again and he and Justin had a breakfast that was consumed completely in silence. Brian couldn't help but think back to breakfasts where they had talked for hours about all kinds of things, but even he had realised by now that those times were over and long gone.

Over the course of breakfast, Brian noticed that Justin's hands had started to shake slightly, making him lose control of his hand and the spoon he was holding twice. Justin was obviously embarrassed by that and tried to hide it from Brian, but Brian had noticed anyway and also knew what it was a sign for. He hadn't done all his research on the internet for nothing after all and had found out quite a bit about drug addicts.

“You don't have to hide it,” he said quietly as he looked at Justin from sincere eyes, trying to show him that it was okay. “It's been at least 12 hours since your last fix...don't...don't feel like you have to hide it from me. You don't.”

Not really expecting a reaction from Justin to that, Brian got up from his chair and cleared the table before standing in the doorway that led to the living-room, looking over at Justin who was still sitting at the kitchen table, watching his shaking hands as if trying to make them stop by just staring at them.

“I am going to tell you something and I am only going to tell you once. And I want you to listen. Are you listening?” Brian asked, looking at Justin's confused face as he looked up at Brian and nodded, obviously wondering what would come next.

“It hurts me to see you like this, Justin. It's breaking my heart because you would have deserved better...This isn't you and this isn't your life. You're not like that and...I can't say I can even understand what might have driven you to that life, but...it was your choice and your decisions and even though I might not agree with them...it's still your life. So...you have two choices here. Either you go back to that life you have chosen for yourself and...if you do...I have no doubt that you will end up like Danny. You're not going to survive this for much longer, Justin. You're a mess. You're thin as a stick and if it's not the violence in Larimer that's going to kill you, it's going to be the drugs. But you're not going to become old this way, I can promise you that,” Brian ended sadly, not surprised that Justin wasn't looking at him anymore, but was looking at the top of the table instead.

“Or...or you're going to stay here and you'll finally accept the help that you so obviously need and...I think, also want. I am going to offer you that help, but I am only going to offer it to you once. And either you take it or you don't. If you want my help, you're going to get it unconditionally. I promise you to be there along the way, the whole way, no matter how long it might take or how hard it might get. You're not alone, Justin and I would love to be your friend again and help you get out of this shit that you're in. I want nothing more than to see you healthy and happy again. However...it's not my choice, but yours and...I am not going to force you either way. You decide what you want. My help and a chance to get better or to end up dead in the foreseeable future,” Brian ended, knowing that he had sounded harsh at the end, but he wasn't sure how else to get his point across.

“I am going to go outside into my garden now and will spend some time there. Feel free to join me or leave. It's your decision, but I want you to know one thing, Justin: If you leave, don't bother coming back. I want to help you, but if you don't want my help, then this is where our friendship should end. I can't watch you further destroy yourself. So...if you decide to leave, I wish you all the best, Justin. But please...don't come back here,” Brian whispered before he left the doorway and walked through his living-room into his garden.

He sat down in one of his big deck chairs and pulled a packet of cigarettes from his jeans as he looked out at his pool, but couldn't really see it. He lit the first cigarette, wondering if he had done the right thing or not. He honestly wasn't sure, but he also knew that what he had said was the truth. Seeing Justin like that hurt him and he couldn't see him end up like Danny. He couldn't watch Justin go down that path, not if he knew that it would ultimately end with him dying. Because Brian had no doubt that that was the only thing the future held for Justin. If he didn't accept his help, which Brian honestly hoped he would, he knew that Justin would die a young death. He hoped that maybe the threat of disappearing completely from Justin's life would make him realise that he needed to get his life sorted out.

Brian knew that he had played dirty when he had told Justin that he would end up like Danny, bringing up the still painful memory of his boyfriend who had been killed less than a day ago, but he also knew that it was the only way to make Justin see that he needed help. Justin cared about him, Brian knew that and he also knew that Justin's wall was breaking down and that he was letting Brian in more and more and he hoped that maybe the threat of disappearing would make Justin see that he needed to get a grip on his life again.

He wasn't sure at all how Justin would react and what he would do, inwardly preparing himself for finding an empty house when he would next be going inside, preparing himself for the pain and finality that would bring. He didn't know how long he had been sitting outside, but he knew that it had been at least an hour, an hour in which he had thought back to the past a lot, had thought back to times where he would have never imagined something like this to be possible, and yet he found himself in this situation now.

Brian didn't notice that he was being watched from inside his living-room for the better part of that hour spent outside and he also didn't notice anything of the turmoil going on in the young man watching him and neither did he know how much strength it cost that man to open the glass door and to go outside into the garden as well.

Justin slowly made his way out into Brian's garden, ignoring when Brian turned around and looked at him in what could easily be described as surprise. He just walked past the older man towards the edge of the pool and looked at the water for several minutes before he started to speak quietly.

“I can't do it...”

“Okay. I guess that means we should say goodbye then,” Brian replied, surprising himself with how calm his voice sounded even though he felt the complete opposite inside.

Justin turned around towards Brian and looked at him, his face covered in tears. “You...you don't understand...I...I want to...God, I want to so desperately, but I can't...I have tried to get away from it all before, but...I can't.”

“Why not?” Brian asked, his voice full of sympathy, yet also curiosity.

Justin sniffed, wiping away his tears with his arm. “I...I am not strong enough...I wish I was, but...I am not.”

“That's why we have friends. To help us in times when we don't feel strong enough ourselves,” Brian said quietly.

“And if you've got no friends left anymore? Who helps you then?” Justin asked and Brian could easily hear the pain in his voice.

“You've got a friend, Justin. You've got me. And I want to help you so badly...”

“You can't help me, Brian...it's too late,” Justin whispered, turning around to the pool once more, looking at the water. “There's no way out for me anymore...”

Brian slowly got up and walked over to where Justin stood, putting his hand on the younger man's shoulder in support. “There is always a way. One just has to be willing to walk it.”

Justin turned towards Brian and the look on his face took away Brian's breath. He had never seen a human being look more desperate than Justin was looking right that moment and he nearly stumbled at the intensity of the pain reflected from those huge, wide eyes.

“How do you think you can help me when...when no one else could help me before?”

“By being there for you when you need me and by being by your side along the way. Every step of it. I promise, Justin,” Brian answered sincerely.

Justin only snorted in reply. “Yeah, right...You'll just send me into some clinic like my mom, like Emmett and Michael did and then I'll be all on my own...you won't be there.”

Brian looked at Justin for the longest time, taking in his shaking form, taking in his desperate eyes and the pain and when he played Justin's words over in his head, he suddenly realised something. All of a sudden he knew why rehab hadn't worked before for Justin, why he had run away each time.

“That's why you ran away from rehab, isn't it? Because no one was there for you,” Brian whispered, looking at Justin in compassion.

Justin hugged himself and sobbed once before he nodded.

Brian gave him the time to get himself under control until he was ready to speak again.

“You...you don't know what it's like...there are all these people that you don't know and...and it hurts so much and...when the pain hits...there's no one there...you are all on your own and...I can't do this on my own...I can't, Brian...it's too hard...I tried so hard...I really did, but...I am not strong enough to go through that on my own.”

Brian's heart went out to the broken man in front of him and for the first time he realised that maybe Justin really hadn't wanted this, that maybe he had really tried those first times in rehab, but just hadn't been able do it. That he had wanted to get better, but didn't have the strength to do so on his own.

“You're not going to be alone, Justin. I am going to be there, I promise!” Brian said, taking the crying man into his arms, holding him tight. “I promise.”

“H-how?” Justin pressed out, hiding his head in Brian's shoulder, crying like Brian had never seen him cry before and while he watched Justin cry like that, he wondered about the answer. He wondered how he could be by Justin's side when he went into detox and no matter how he looked at it, there just seemed to be one way. A way that was beyond crazy and dangerous, but it seemed to be the only one and Brian knew without a doubt that he would choose that way if it helped Justin, no matter how crazy it was.

“We're going to do it here in my house. No clinic. I am going to stay by your side. I promise, Justin!” Brian said, determination filling his voice and his body as he realised that it was the only way to do this.

His voice took on a comforting tone as he tried to solace the man in his arms. “We're going to do it here.”

Chapter 12

“We're going to do it here.”

Justin slowly pulled away from Brian and looked at him as if he had just lost his mind. “W-what?”

“You don't want to go to a clinic. Fine, I accept that, but...something needs to be done...so...we'll just have to do it here. I am going to keep my promise to you, Justin and if this is the only way of doing this while I can stay with you, then we'll do it,” Brian answered seriously, looking at Justin intently. “I want to help you, Justin and...if you want that help...we're going to find a way somehow.”

“That's...that's crazy,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian from wide eyes.

“Probably,” Brian agreed, taking Justin's hand and squeezing it. “But do you have any better idea?”

Justin seemed to contemplate Brian's question and in the end just shook his head, hanging his head.

“We...we can't just...It's too dangerous and...you shouldn't...you've got your life and...I should leave,” Justin suddenly announced, pulling away from Brian and making his way over towards the sliding door that led back into the house.

“And then?” Brian asked after him, his voice taking on a desperate tone. “Leave where? Return to a life that is going to kill you? Return to a life that's going to be the end of you one day? Stay! I am begging you, please!”

“Why? What good will staying do, Brian? You have your own life and...I am not a part of that anymore...you...you shouldn't be pulled into my problems and it's bad enough that you already were,” Justin gave back, his eyes wandering to the cast on Brian's left arm. “Don't you see, Brian? I am only putting you in danger. I am making your life dangerous and make you do dangerous things. I...I am not good for you and...you're right. We should say goodbye here. It's better for you.”

Brian walked closer to Justin, but stopped when he saw him hold up his hand, begging Brian to not come even closer.

“You don't want this life, Justin! Your whole body is screaming for you to get away from this shit that's your life now. You...you told me just five minutes ago that you want my help, that you want to get away from it so badly. You said you wanted to get away from it, but aren't strong enough to get away on your own. Then let me help! Why are you running away again? Don't you see that this could be your very last chance to get your life back? I am not blind and you're not stupid either, Justin. Your body is going to start to fail you soon with how badly you're treating it. Just last night you saw your own boyfriend being killed because of drugs or whatever other shit is going on in your life. Do you want to end like that? Do you really want that to be your life? Dying on a dirty pavement in a bad part of town all on your own? Is that what you want?”

Justin stumbled as if he had been hit by Brian's words like they had been punches and he needed to lean against the glass door, new sobs wracking his body as he slowly sank down the door and broke down right in front of it.

Brian watched Justin sob and cry, watched him hug himself tightly, rocking back and forth in his pain and nothing on this earth could have held him back as he made his way over, sinking down to his knees right in front of Justin, making him look up at him, knowing that this was the last chance he had to make the younger man turn away from the path he had chosen for his life.

“Is that what you want?” Brian asked Justin, forcing him to look him in the eyes. “Is that how you want to end?”

When Justin didn't react, but only sobbed harder, Brian felt anger rise inside of him. “Give me an answer! Is that how you want to end?”

Justin only sank more into himself, his whole body shaking almost painfully, but he did not reply to Brian.

“Give me a fucking answer! Is that how you want to fucking end?” Brian angrily yelled at him, feeling his emotions take over, feeling all his pain and desperation take hold of him, pushing away his will to stay calm and collected.

Justin closed his eyes and slowly started shaking his head, sniffing pitifully as he did so.

Brian let go of his face, let go of Justin and sat down in front of him, his voice taking on a calmer tone. “Give me an answer, Justin. Tell me if that's how you want to end.”

“N-n-o-o,” Justin pressed out, hiccuping through his tears.

“Then let us try and stop this shit from taking you once and for all,” Brian whispered, looking at the man in front of him who by now was nothing more than a picture of misery. “I know it's not perfect and...god, I know how crazy it sounds and...that it's dangerous and...I thought about all those things, but...you don't want to go to a clinic, Justin and...I won't force you, but...I don't want to see you end like that and...you don't want to end like that...so...even though it sounds crazy and like the worst idea ever...maybe we should just go ahead with it and...and at least try it.”

“What...what if there's no help for me...what...what if I am...already too far gone?” Justin asked through his tears, looking up at Brian from scared eyes. “I don't want to die...”

Brian's heart broke at the sight in front of him and he crawled over to Justin and took him into his arms, holding him close. “You won't die...not if you don't want to and are willing to try and turn your life around. You've got a choice here, Justin and it's never too late to make the right decisions.”

“I am scared,” Justin muttered after several minutes of just sobbing and crying, being held by Brian who tried to comfort him. “So scared.”

“I know,” Brian tried to soothe. “I am scared as well. So scared of getting in way over our heads, but...we're going to find a way, Justin. I promise you. We're going to make this one work. You're going to get better!”

“I...I never meant to become like this...I...I never wanted to...I...I am such a fuck-up.”

At first Brian had wanted to contradict Justin on his last statement, but that would have been a blatant lie and Justin would have known. He was a big fuck-up, but as far as Brian was concerned, there was still a chance to change that.

“You've got a chance to change that now, Justin and I promise...you're not going to be alone.”

Brian pulled back slightly and made Justin look at him. He stared at him intently as he continued.

“I...I know it's going to be hard and...painful and...I know that it's scary and daunting, but for what it's worth, I think you can do this. I think you can leave all this shit behind and become the person again that you once were. You are one of the strongest people I've ever known and...I know that there's still strength in you, even though it might not feel that way now and...if your strength won't be enough, you'll have me by your side and you can just rely on my strength then. I know that we can do this together, Justin! I just know it!”

Justin looked at Brian for the longest time and Brian knew that the younger man desperately wanted to believe in his words and wanted them to be the truth. Brian smiled gently when he felt Justin's hand take his own and hold it. He saw the younger man look up at him from scared and fearful, yet hopeful eyes.

“Will you help me, Brian?”

Brian nodded, squeezing the hand that was holding his. “I promise!”

***

They had stayed outside for almost another hour until Justin had fallen asleep against Brian's side, obviously beyond exhausted from the emotional turmoil as well as the lack of sleep from the night before and Brian carefully disentangled Justin from his side and picked him up, carrying him into his living-room and carefully laid him down on his couch, giving him the time that he needed to rest.

In fact Brian was quite glad that Justin was sleeping, because it gave him the time to find out some useful information. Now that Justin had agreed to stay and that Brian had promised him to help him get clean here at his house, certain things needed to be prepared and Brian needed to find some information on how detoxes worked. He had read up on it a bit before, but that had already been months ago and he couldn't really remember all the details anymore of what he should be expecting.

He got out his laptop and did a quick google search and what he found didn't really encourage him to go ahead with his original plan. He soon found his earlier statement confirmed that it would be painful and hard and he wondered if he was up for doing something like that in his house. However he realised soon that it didn't really matter, because he had promised Justin and he would just have to find a way to go through with that now. There was no way that Brian would go back on his promise now, not when Justin had finally agreed to try and get away from the drugs, trying to change his life.

Brian had no idea how, but he just knew that they needed to work it out somehow. They would just have to deal with whatever came their way when it presented itself and would have to find a solution then.

Pretty much every homepage Brian had visited had confirmed that a cold withdrawal could take up to two weeks and would be very painful and hard on everyone involved and Brian soon realised that he would need some help. There was no way that he could leave the house if Justin was going through the worst withdrawal symptoms and some of the things Brian had read about had been pretty bad and scary. He would at least need some help in getting supplies to his home if not even need someone who would help him right there as well, in case he just needed a break. In addition he would need to inform Cynthia so she could take care of the most urgent things concerning his agency. There was no way he would be getting much work done in the next few days.

So Brian had thought long and hard about who he could ask and with Emmett out of town and Ted being needed at work, especially now that he wouldn't be able to come into the office for the foreseeable future, there was only one person he could ask. One person who he would have to tell anyway, because that person would find out sooner than later, if Brian suddenly stopped meeting with him which they usually did several times a week and yet it was the one person who Brian didn't want to tell at all, knowing that he would once again be angry at Brian for doing something this crazy.

Taking a look at Justin to make sure that he was still deeply asleep, Brian went into his office and dialled Michael's number from the phone there.

“Brian, how are you doing? How's your arm?” Michael greeted him cheerfully as he picked up the phone.

“Healing nicely,” Brian said before getting to the point of his call right away. “I need your help, Michael.”

“Sure, what for?” Michael asked, obviously thinking that Brian needed his help for something pretty harmless, maybe needed him to help him carry a table or something heavy now that his arm was broken.

“You're not going to like this and...I know you're going to be angry, but...I can't do this without your help,” Brian started. “I...I really need you to help me with this even if it goes against everything you stand for.”

“Brian? What are you going on about?” Michael asked, his voice sounding slightly worried now.

“Justin is here and,” but Brian never got any further than that because Michael exploded right away.

“Are you kidding me? What is he doing at your house? And...what is this about needing my help? He didn't get you into trouble, did he?”

“No and...please...calm down...I...I will explain everything to you, but I need you to stay calm and not explode at me every two seconds. I...I know that you would have every right to and that what I did was beyond crazy and that what I am going to do is even crazier, but...I really need your help now, Mikey,” Brian explained calmly, hoping against hope that Michael would manage to stay calm.

“What is going on, Brian?”

And then Brian went and told Michael everything. Told him about going to Larimer once more, told him about running into Justin and walking back to his car, told him about hearing the two shots and Justin's scream, told him about finding a dead Danny in Justin's arms and calling the cops and also told him about taking Justin home with him.

“I couldn't leave him on his own in the state that he was in, Michael. I just couldn't,” Brian pleaded with his friend to understand why he had done this.

Much to Brian's surprise Michael had stayed quiet through most of the story, only making disapproving noises when Brian had mentioned going down to Larimer on his own once more, other than that he had stayed quiet and listened to Brian's story.

“And what do you need my help for now?” Michael asked, clearly not understanding what he had to do with any of that and refraining hard from telling Brian all he really wanted to tell him about how stupid and dangerous his behaviour had been.

“He's going to stay here at my place,” Brian said, letting the implications of that hang in the air.

“And then? You're going to allow him to do drugs in your backyard? Might even join him occasionally?” Michael asked, his voice showing his displeasure at what Brian had just said, clearly jumping to the wrong conclusions.

“No,” Brian sighed. “He's going to detox here.”

“WHAT?”

“He...he wants to get away from it and...I got through to him, Mikey...he accepts my help and...he wants to get away from the drugs,” Brian calmly explained to his friend.

“Then get him into a fucking rehab clinic, Brian!” Michael nearly yelled and Brian frowned at that reaction. Shouldn't he at least be a bit happy about that piece of information?

“I can't. I promised him not to and...doing it here is the only way this will work.”

“And what gave you the crazy idea that you could have a highly addicted junkie detox at your house? Do you have any idea how dangerous that is?” Michael went on, still sounding beyond disbelieving.

“I...I wanted him to go to a clinic, but...we talked and...he can't do this on his own, Michael. He wanted to get away from it all when you and Emmett sent him to rehab, he really wanted to, but he couldn't because...he was all on his own when the pain hit and...he can't do it alone...he needs someone by his side and...I promised him that I would be.”

“Brian, that is crazy! You can't let him detox in your house. Do you have any idea about all the things that could go wrong?” Michael sighed, wondering if Brian was actually for real.

“Yes, I do. I...I have just spent two hours on the internet checking up on drug withdrawal and I know it's crazy. God, you have no idea how scared I am of going through with this and how some of the things I read on the internet worried me, but...I know that this is the only way. If...if we really want to help Justin and want him to get away from the drugs...this is the only way it will work. He...he won't agree to anything else, but he agreed to this and that's good, right?” Brian asked, hoping that Michael would agree to at least that much.

“Brian,” Michael started, but this time Brian interrupted him.

“No, don't Brian me! You have tried for three years and nothing that you or anyone else did worked, but I have him here at my house now and he agreed to go through withdrawal which is something that neither of you achieved before with him and...he wants to get away from this life. He wants to get away from the drugs which is something neither of you got from him before either, so don't Brian me when I finally managed to achieve the one thing that you all tried to get him to do for three years. I knew that you'd be far from happy about some of the things I told you, but...shouldn't you at least be happy about that? About the fact that he's finally realised that he needs help and has accepted that help?”

Michael took a deep breath. “I am, Brian. I am,” he admitted, before he continued. “But...this is crazy...it's too dangerous...you can't do this on your own in your home without professional help.”

“For now it's the only way, Michael and...we're just going to have to find a way,” Brian sighed.

“And what do you want me to do?” Michael asked. “You don't expect me to come over and hold his hand while he vomits his guts out, do you?”

“No...I know that you wouldn't, no matter how nicely I asked it of you,” Brian gave right back, not even bothering to hide his annoyance at Michael's words. “I...I need you to supply us with groceries and stuff.”

“What?”

Brian could hear the disbelieving sound in his friend's voice as he was probably trying to figure out whether Brian was for real or not.

“I am serious, Mikey. I...I don't think I'll be able to leave the house much while Justin is going through withdrawal and...we're going to need things. Food, drinks, stuff like toilet paper and...you know? Just things, but...I can't leave him on his own when the worst symptoms hit to go shopping for these things and...I know you might be completely against it and I would never ask you to come over here and help me, because I know it's not something you're interested in, but...can you at least do that? For me? Please, I am begging you,” Brian pleaded with his friend.

Brian could hear a deep sigh at the other end and knew that Michael was thinking, but he was surprised when he got his answer less than two seconds later. “Alright...I think I can do that.”

“You will?” Brian asked in clear disbelief, having expected much more of a fight from Michael.

“Yeah, I will. Just tell me what you need and I'll get it for you. But just so you know, Brian. I am doing this because it's important to you and obviously means a lot to you, I am not doing it for Justin.”

“Fair enough,” Brian agreed. “Thank you! I'll be forever in your debt for this one and...I swear...you can ask me for whatever you want. You're going to get it!”

Michael actually chuckled at that and it did Brian good to hear that sound from his friend and to know that they were okay, even though Michael might not agree with what he was doing. “Don't make promises you've got not intention of keeping.”

“Yeah well, maybe not everything, but most things,” Brian amended his earlier statement, chuckling back.

“I just hope that this works out, Brian. For everyone involved,” Michael silently said and Brian knew that this was probably as much approval as he would get from him, feeling happy that he at least got that much.

“So do I...so do I,” Brian silently gave back before thanking Michael once more and ending the call. Leaving his office he wondered what the next weeks would bring. He had no doubt that they would be the hardest weeks of his life, one way or the other.

Chapter 13

Brian had known that the next weeks would be the hardest of his life and he had prepared himself for that, but no amount of preparation could have made him ready for how hard those first weeks of Justin detoxing really got.

The first week had been pure hell. Looking back on it there was just no other word for it.

Once Brian had been done talking to Michael, he had ordered some dinner for himself and Justin which they had eaten in silence, trying to distract themselves from the first withdrawal symptoms that had already been showing all day. Justin's hands had been shaking and by the time they had settled in front of the TV to watch some show, not really caring which one, his whole body had started shaking and soon after his teeth started chattering and Brian soon found out that Justin was freezing.

The temperature in the house was normal and Brian knew that freezing and also sweating were withdrawal symptoms and he didn't want to make a bigger deal out of it than it was so he just wordlessly got up and got a thick sweater for Justin from his closet.

“Here you go,” he said as he handed it to the younger man who took it gratefully, immediately putting it on and hiding back into his corner of the sofa, shaking and freezing.

When the shaking and freezing were joined by bouts of nausea, Brian decided that it would be better to move back to the guestroom and settle there. He helped Justin up the stairs and watched as he immediately got under the covers in his bed, pulling them close around himself, trying to warm himself up.

Brian prepared some tea for Justin, having read on the internet that it was important to keep hydrated through a drug withdrawal and he also remembered having read about taking vitamins to keep the body going and he quickly sent Michael a text to get some vitamin pills as well before he moved upstairs again with the tea and frowned when he didn't find Justin in bed anymore. He didn't have to look for him long, hearing retching sounds coming from the bathroom next door.

Brian put down the cup of tea and went into the bathroom to find a shaking Justin bent over the toilet bowl, vomiting into it. He slowly moved over to him and sat down next to him, holding his hand in support as Justin was sick again and again and in the end they spent the better part of the first night and early morning in front of that toilet bowl before Justin's nausea seemed to settle a bit and they moved back to the bedroom where Brian helped Justin settle into bed. He was by now shaking like a leaf and his freezing had stopped and instead he was now sweating profusely, droplets of sweat running down his face, drenching the shirt he was wearing.

Brian managed to get some tea into Justin before he succumbed to a fitful sleep, twisting and turning in the bed as if plagued by some bad nightmares, though Brian knew that nightmares had nothing to do with it. He decided to get some rest himself while Justin was sleeping, knowing that those times would probably be the only times he'd be able to get sleep himself and he settled into his office chair that he had brought into the room earlier, leaning back in it, resting his feet on the edge of the bed Justin was lying in, trying to find a comfortable position before he felt sleep claim him.

He didn't know how long he had been sleeping before he was woken up by some noise and as he opened his eyes and fully came awake, he immediately knew where that noise had come from. He saw Justin writhe on the bed in obvious pain, moaning pitifully, gasping as he tried to breathe the pain away.

Brian immediately got out of his chair and went to Justin's side, taking his hand and speaking to him. “Hey...are you okay?” He asked gently and sighed in relief when Justin turned in his direction and looked at him from pained eyes.

“It...h-hurt-s...hur-ts...so...b-ba-d...,” he gritted out through his teeth as his body was wracked with cramps which were obviously very painful. “H-hur-ts.”

Brian ran his hand over Justin's forehead in a comforting gesture, sitting down next to him, never letting go off his hand. “I know it does, but you're doing so well...so well, Justin,” he whispered, feeling tears come to his eyes as he saw another cramp hit Justin. He knew that those cramps were only the beginning of the pain that would be coming his way and he tried to think of ways to relieve that pain, only coming up with getting a cool cloth and putting it on the younger man's forehead, wiping away the droplets of sweat that had gathered there.

Brian sat like that, watching Justin go through cramps for almost two days and more than once he felt like crying at the amount of pain he saw in Justin's expressive eyes. He felt like giving up and calling an ambulance when Justin asked him again and again to please do something to stop the pain, but in the end all Brian could do was sit by his side, talk to him, show him that he was there and try to relieve his symptoms by keeping him hydrated and nourished.

Michael had been by once on the second day, bringing the groceries and other things Brian had asked for and when he had seen his friend, he had just asked if it was that bad.

“Worse,” Brian had only replied and Michael had taken him into a tight hug before leaving again, knowing that Brian didn't really want to talk to him but rather wanted to be upstairs with Justin which Michael could understand and accepted.

Watching Justin go through cramps and pain, watching him go from freezing to sweating profusely in a matter of minutes, watching him writhe on the bed in pain and agony, Brian had thought after two days that things couldn't get worse and that they had reached the climax of withdrawal, but he soon found out that he had been wrong.

He had been sleeping in his usual place in his office chair once more after he had fallen asleep in exhaustion after he had just cleaned up his guestroom after Justin had been sick all over himself and the bed twice in less than half an hour, when he was woken up by a movement at his side.

Looking over through bleary eyes, Brian couldn't really make out what had woken him up, until he heard the voice which was so full of pain and desperation.

“Pl-ple-ase...mm-ak-e it sto-p. I...I-c-can't...,” the voice begged and Brian came fully awake to find Justin not in the bed, but half crawling, half collapsed at the side of his office chair, obviously having made his way out of the bed over to Brian's side.

“Jeez, Justin. Are you okay?” Brian immediately asked as he got out of the chair and sank down to his knees next to the younger man, looking at the pale face that was once again covered in sweat.

He saw Justin shake his head and look at him from desperate, pleading eyes. “St-op this. P-pl-ease...I can't...do thi-s...B-B-rian...”

Brian watched Justin's face closely and could see that he was crying and he took the crying man into his arms. “Shhhh...I know it hurts...I know it does...but you're doing so well.”

“Please...,” Justin started, looking up at Brian from pleading eyes. “Please...”

Brian only hugged Justin closer, trying to comfort him by showing him that he was there.

“You're going to be alright, Justin. You're going to be okay,” Brian whispered over and over again until he felt weak fists hit him in the chest, making him pull back to see that Justin was indeed trying to hit him, but was way too weak to have any damaging impact.

“Justin?” Brian just frowned when he saw the younger man glare back at him from glassy eyes, yet leaving no doubt that he was beyond angry.

“Let me...g-go...you...you can't...fo-r-ce me to st-ay here,” he pressed out, once more lashing out at Brian who quickly pulled back and got up. Justin weakly crawled on the floor to come after him, looking up at Brian from desperate eyes. “Let me...g-go...”

“You've already come this far, Justin. I won't let you go now,” Brian calmly told him as he made his way over to the door, knowing that there was no sense in talking to Justin now. He had read about people going through withdrawal getting aggressive and lashing out and he had hoped that it wouldn't happen with Justin, at the same time he felt slightly glad that the younger man was only starting to lash out now that he was already too weak to do any real damage or be a danger to Brian.

He closed the door behind himself and made his way downstairs, his heart breaking when he heard Justin call after him. “Fuck...you! Fuck you, Brian!”

He closed his eyes against the pain of seeing and hearing Justin like that and went into the kitchen to get some water and vitamin pills and to also prepare a sandwich for himself and one for Justin. It had been hard getting Justin to eat at all in the last few days and most of the times he had only been sick shortly after, but Brian knew that it was important that he kept his strength up, so he tried getting him to eat at least three times a day. Sometimes with more success, sometimes with less. Once he had put everything on the tray, he made his way back upstairs, preparing himself for another angry outburst from Justin, but when he opened the door to the guestroom, he found the young man leaning against the bed, crying bitterly, hugging himself tightly, not even looking up as Brian entered the room.

The brunet went over to the small table next to the bed and put down the tray, he took the bottle of water and two of the vitamin pills then made his way over to Justin's side and sat down next to him, holding out the bottle to him.

“Here, take this. You need to keep up your strength,” Brian said silently, patting Justin's knee with his free hand.

Justin slowly lifted his head and looked at Brian from pained and sorrowful eyes, sniffing pitifully. “K-k-kill me...p-please...I...I can't...do this...I can't!”

Brian looked at Justin in compassion and put down the bottle of water before he led his now free hand to Justin's face and gently caressed his cheek. “No,” he simply said.

“Please...it...it hurts so...bad, Brian,” Justin begged once more, new tears coming to his eyes as he looked at sad hazel ones.

“You're almost there, Justin. You almost made it through the worst. I won't let you give up now. Not when you already came this far,” Brian said quietly, before letting go off Justin's face and taking the water bottle once more.

“Here, take this. You need to keep hydrated.”

Justin took the bottle from Brian into his shaking hands and took a sip from it, spilling some of the water while he did so before he put the bottle down and silently accepted the vitamin pills from Brian and swallowed them before resting his head against the bed, closing his eyes against the pain.

Brian got up from his place next to Justin and helped him up as well, helped him to settle into the office chair while Brian sat down on the edge of the bed across from him, looking at him sadly as he handed him the sandwich wordlessly.

“Not...hungry,” Justin mumbled, making no move to take the sandwich from Brian who just sighed. They had been through this before in recent days and he really had no energy to go through it again.

“I know. But you need to eat something. You can't lose even more weight and...you need to keep your strength up or...or this will only get worse. So...please, just try, okay?”

Brian had expected more of a fight, but in the end, Justin just took the sandwich and ate it slowly, stopping every once in a while when the shaking of his hands got too bad or when a new wave of pain hit him, but in the end he managed to eat the whole sandwich before settling down on the bed once more.

Once he was comfortably settled, or as comfortably as he could be, he turned to Brian and looked at him with so much venom in his eyes that Brian nearly stumbled and he gasped when he heard the same venom in Justin's voice as he spoke.

“I hate you! I fucking...hate you!”

Brian just looked at Justin and nodded. “Okay.”

He knew that it was just the withdrawal talking and that Justin was bothered by pain and cramps and he had a feeling that those things might have made him say that to lash out at the person he thought responsible for that pain and yet it hurt Brian deeply to hear those words out of Justin's mouth.

When Justin turned away from him, Brian moved back to the office chair, watching him sadly, wondering if he really had the strength to go through this for yet another week or two.

The saying 'Things have to get worse before they get better' also proved true in case of Justin's withdrawal and for the next four days after he had told Brian that he hated him, things turned even worse. Justin seemed to be in even more pain than before and sometimes screamed for hours on end from the intensity of the pain that hit him. There was hardly an hour where he didn't have to vomit or wasn't sweating profusely and the situation was slowly beginning to gnaw at Brian. Justin had begged him to just kill him at least four other times, calling him names and regularly telling him that he hated him for making him go through this. The more those outbursts got, the more Brian had slowly but surely found himself losing patience with Justin and he blamed that on his lack of sleep, knowing that two or three hours a day, hours that were constantly interrupted by Justin waking up screaming or being sick once more, just weren't enough to keep him going and just when Brian had thought that he couldn't go on anymore, when he thought that he didn't have the strength to do this on his own anymore and was seriously considering to go back on his promise to Justin, when he had admitted to Michael that he might have gotten in over his head, things slowly started to improve in the second week of Justin detoxing in Brian's house.

He was still in pain and was still suffering from cramps, but with each day the pain got less and the number of cramps decreased. The times that he was able to just rest and sleep got longer and by the end of the second week, he was mostly only plagued by sweating and a shaking of his limbs, the pain having almost left completely. Justin had been able to regularly take in food again and Brian had been glad about that because he had really started to get worried about Justin losing even more weight with all the vomiting that he was doing. Towards the end of the second week, Brian also noticed that it had already been days since Justin had last told him that he hated him or had begged him to be killed and Brian took that as a good sign as well. In fact they had been able to have normal conversations again and had even left the guestroom at times and settled in front of the TV for a bit, before exhaustion caught up with Justin and Brian helped him back upstairs.

Over the course of those two weeks, Michael had been by several times, bringing Brian the groceries that he had asked for and checking in on him. He had been beyond worried about the state Brian had been in at the end of the first week and had begged with him to reconsider and get Justin professional help. He hadn't liked how bad Brian had looked, but in the end even he had to admit that maybe Brian had been right and that it had been the only way to help Justin. Especially in the second week, when he saw that Brian was slowly starting to look better again and seemed to be getting more sleep again and when he had his friend tell him that Justin was slowly starting to do better as well, he had to admit that maybe Brian had managed to do what no one else had managed in three years: Get Justin away from that path of self-destruction that he had been on and help him return to leading a normal, drug-free life.

Brian himself had sighed in relief and had thanked all the gods he had been able to think of when he saw that things were slowly getting better and that the worst seemed to be behind them. He had seriously started to doubt that they were doing the right thing but had a feeling that maybe all the pain and everything else that had taken place in his house in the last two weeks had been worth it because he hoped with all his heart that now that things seemed to start to look up again, that that also meant that Justin was starting to improve and that the drugs were in his past once and for all.

Chapter 14

It had now been three weeks since Justin had first come to Brian's house and had started detoxing and Brian was just preparing dinner when he saw him scuffle into the kitchen, still looking beyond tired and exhausted.

The drug withdrawal had taken a lot of strength from Justin and had made him lose even more weight, making him even weaker as a result and he still spent most of his days in bed, being too weak and tired to do much else. He was finally able to catch up on some sleep that wasn't disrupted by nightmares or cramps and pains.

Most withdrawal symptoms had by now stopped, though Justin's hands still occasionally shook much to his own annoyance. Other than that the physical symptoms had been over, the pain and cramps having stopped completely and he had also stopped going from sweating to freezing in minutes.

However there were still some mental symptoms of withdrawal that Brian had read about that showed in Justin every once in a while. Some days those symptoms showed stronger and some days it seemed as if they weren't there at all. His mood still changed quickly and he went from being okay to crying and back in seconds, often confusing the hell out of Brian who had a hard time keeping up with Justin's moods and there also seemed to be an inner restlessness that Brian had noticed several times already which had also been described as a withdrawal symptom. He just guessed that it would still be some time before those symptoms would be gone as well, but for now he could live with them, because he could already see that Justin was doing a lot better, even though they were still there.

“Got any rest?” Brian asked conversationally, looking up from his place next to the oven.

“Yeah, a bit,” Justin replied quietly as he made his way over to the fridge and got himself a bottle of water out of it. “What are you cooking?”

“Just warming up some pasta that was in the freezer,” Brian replied, before turning around and looking at Justin. “You look better, you know? More rested and...your eyes are less haunted,” he said, before turning to the stove once more, not sure what had made him say that. So far they had only talked about topics that had been easy to navigate through, staying far away from the detox, drugs or anything else connected to these last few weeks, yet Brian didn't feel bad about saying so, because it was the truth. Even though he was still way too thin and looked gaunt and beyond pale, Justin's eyes had lost some of that haunted look they had been carrying while he had been detoxing and Brian was glad to see them back to their old selves again. Of course they still lacked a certain amount of happiness and weren't shining like they used to and a deep sadness filled them, but now that they weren't as dull and lifeless anymore as Brian had also seen them in recent months, he found it far easier to look at them again than he did before.

“I feel better,” Justin said quietly as he moved away from Brian's side and over to the table, sitting down at it, throwing a quick look at the newspaper that was lying on it before he looked up again.

“I...I know I am never going to be able to thank you for everything you've done, but...I want you to know that I appreciate it...more than you'll ever know.”

“You don't have to thank me,” Brian said as he moved over to the table. “I didn't do anything. You're the one who did all the hard work, not me.”

“Somehow I doubt that, but...,” Justin looked down at his hands as he continued. “I can't really remember anything...it's all just one big cloud of pain and fog and...I don't remember anything else.”

“Nothing exciting that you missed,” Brian joked, though he knew himself that it was no joking matter. He turned serious quickly. “Maybe it's best that way.”

Justin looked up at Brian and there was a question in his eyes, eyes that were obviously looking for answers in all the pain they were trying to work through.

“Did I do anything bad? Anything I need to apologise for?”

Brian shook his head. “No, you didn't. Don't worry.”

Justin looked quite relieved, but that immediately changed when Brian went on.

“Though you could have cut back a bit on the I hate you's and Please, kill me's...that got a bit much,” he said quietly, looking at his own hands and avoiding Justin's eyes. He cursed himself for his big mouth, knowing that he should have kept that to himself and shouldn't even have told the younger man. If he couldn't remember, then it was probably for the best.

“I said that?” Justin asked, feeling quite shocked at Brian's words as he looked at him from wide eyes. “Really?”

Brian only nodded since there was nothing else to say. “Look...it's okay. I know you were in pain and going through hell and I didn't take it personally. So, don't worry about it!” He tried to immediately calm down any bad feelings Justin might be feeling at that admission.

“Still...I shouldn't have said that,” he said, his eyes never leaving Brian's. “You know I didn't mean that, don't you? Oh god, I am so sorry, Brian,” he whispered.

Brian took Justin's hand and squeezed it, smiling at him. “I know and I shouldn't even have mentioned it. You weren't yourself and I know that you never meant either thing and you've got nothing to feel sorry for. Nothing at all!”

“Anything else I should know about?” Justin asked, begging Brian to tell him the truth, but this time the brunet just shook his head.

“No. Nothing else!”

“I am such an ungrateful bastard,” Justin sighed, looking from Brian to the water bottle and back. “I...I wish there was something I could do to show you that I am grateful. That I appreciate all you've done for me these last few weeks.”

“Promise me that you'll never allow yourself to go down that path again. That's all I need from you, really,” Brian said seriously, making Justin look up at him with the intensity in his voice. “That's the best thank you you can give me,” he whispered as he made his way back to the stove, checking on their dinner.

Justin's eyes followed Brian and he looked at him for a long time, not saying anything. A heavy silence settled between them. It was obvious that neither really knew what to say to that because even if Justin had promised that it wouldn't happen again, Brian knew it would have been a worthless promise. If you were addicted, you were addicted for life and it was a life-long battle and neither knew what would still happen in the months or years to come. It had only been three weeks and it was way too early for promises like that and both of them knew which was why neither one said anything. Brian didn't need Justin to tell him that he would try, because he knew that even without hearing it from him. He had seen Justin at his lowest, had seen him hit rock bottom and now he was helping him to find his way back and from some of the things Justin had said before they had started with the withdrawal, Brian just knew that Justin had no intention of ever going back to that life. He knew it and he also knew that Justin was thankful to him for his help, so there wasn't really much to say that could have been a fitting reply to Brian's comment. Both of them knew that now it was in Justin's hands and that the ball was in his court to show that he really never wanted to hit rock bottom again that hard.

Brian thought that their conversation was over as he started stirring the sauce and was surprised when he heard Justin's quiet voice talking to him.

“I...I never wanted to end up like that...”

Brian turned away from the pot and looked at Justin, showing him that he had his rapt attention and that he was listening to him.

“I...I never wanted this to become my life...I had plans for my future and...things I wanted to do, you know?”

Brian nodded once before he returned to his place at the table and looked at Justin's sad face- He saw small tears running down the younger man's cheeks.

“How did it become your life? It's the one thing I don't get. The one thing I can't wrap my head around because...no matter from what side I look at it...it just doesn't make any sense.”

“If I had an answer to that, maybe none of this would have happened,” Justin sighed, wiping away his tears. “I...I don't know.”

“Was it because of me?” Brian asked the one question he had been fearing the answer to for months now. He watched as Justin only cried harder and started sobbing and Brian went over, kneeling down at his side, looking at his tear-covered face. “You can tell me the truth, Justin. It won't change anything. No matter what you're going to tell me, I am still going to be your friend.”

Justin looked at him dubiously, sniffing pitifully. “Why?”

“Because I know you and because we've been friends before and we get on well and because I think you can really do with a friend right now, Justin,” Brian answered quietly.

“Why don't you hate me? You...you should hate me after what I did to you,” Justin sniffed, burying his head in his hands, sobbing once more.

Brian looked at him in confusion. “What you did? You didn't do anything.”

“I... I implanted myself in your life and... I knew... you didn't want that... I knew... I was just a fuck and I didn't mean anything...I made you hate me by pretending that we were more than we had ever been...”

Brian felt like he had been hit in the gut by Justin's words. Each and every word had hurt as painful as a physical blow. Not knowing what else to do, he gently prised those hands away from Justin's face and made the younger man look at him. “I could never hate you, Justin. Never! I... I have never told you this, but... you've been a very important person in my life back then and I don't have it in me to hate you. So...please believe me when I say that I am your friend.”

“I don't deserve you as a friend...I don't deserve any friends...,” Justin hiccuped through his tears, making Brian look at him sadly.

“Yes, you do. Everyone deserves to have a friend and right now, you deserve it more than anyone. You've been through hell, but...you made it through and came out on the other side and...that alone, the fact that you chose to fight your way back and chose the hard way, the way that was painful and hurt you so badly, that alone makes you deserving of my friendship.”

“I am sorry...so sorry,” Justin said as he looked up at Brian from tear-filled eyes, before he broke down completely.

Brian took a crying Justin in his arms and carefully led him over to the living-room, sitting down on the sofa with him and holding him as he whispered the same words through his tears again and again, making Brian's heart break at how full of pain the voice of the man in his arms sounded. “So sorry for everything...”

“I know...,” Brian whispered, holding Justin close until he had calmed down and when Brian pulled back, he could see that Justin was still crying, but not nearly as hard anymore as he had before.

“I am your friend, Justin and as friends, I want us to be able to talk about anything, no matter how hard it might be. I...I know that there are still issues between us that we're going to have to talk about sooner or later, but I promise you, that even after we've talked about all of that, I am still going to be your friend.”

Justin nodded and when he next spoke, Brian could hear that his words came straight from his heart and that he really meant them. “Thank you, Brian!”

“You're welcome,” Brian replied before he decided that maybe now wasn't the time to talk about things as serious as what they had been talking about in the kitchen and he chose to swiftly change the topic, not wanting to pressure Justin into a conversation he obviously wasn't ready for.

“I better go and check on that pasta or we won't have anything to eat,” he winked as he slowly got up and held his hand out to the blond, helping him up from the couch.

“Now that would be a pity,” Justin chuckled through his tears, smiling slightly at Brian. “You've never been much of a cook. So whenever you're trying, we shouldn't spoil it.”

“Now that's better,” Brian smiled as well as he saw Justin's smile before they returned to the kitchen and had their dinner in silence, but this time it was a comfortable silence. After dinner they moved into the living-room, where Brian put on a Jazz CD and picked up his laptop, replying to some emails while Justin settled in his favourite place in an armchair in the corner, pulling up his knees to his chest, just looking outside to watch the Pittsburgh sunset.

Brian was used to seeing Justin in that place. If he was not in bed sleeping, he spent most of his time there, looking out at the garden and the sky, hanging on to his own thoughts. At first it had worried Brian, because he wasn't used to Justin being that quiet and contemplative, but after watching him for some time, he had seen that Justin looked content when he sat there, that he looked peaceful and Brian decided that maybe it was just something that he needed, that maybe sitting there, thinking all to himself was something that helped him, because so far he had never seemed upset when he got up and went to talk to Brian or do something with him. Far from it, so Brian just let him settle there, doing his own thing while Justin did his thing.

Therefore Brian was quite surprised when he suddenly heard Justin's voice. Justin was still looking outside and his eyes seemed to be faraway in another time and place, but it was clear that he was addressing Brian, so Brian listened.

“I have never felt worse than when you left for New York. It...it was easily the most painful thing I've ever experienced and...looking back on it, it was probably also the stupidest thing I've ever experienced. I... I... know we weren't boyfriends and weren't partners. You had made that quite clear from the beginnining, so I am not sure what I was really expecting to happen, but... I loved you...I remember how my heart broke into thousands of tiny pieces when you left for New York and I realised that I had just lost the best part of my life. I...I couldn't deal with the knowledge that nobody wanted me... My parents didn't want me... you didn't want me... nobody wanted me... it made me feel so bad. God, you've got no idea, Brian. I...I suffered and I knew that I was the only one to blame for that suffering because I had gotten these unrealistic ideas in my head about what we were to each other and what I meant to you and...I didn't think that I was deserving of any understanding or maybe even help from your friends. I...I had gone and made a complete fool of myself... I had totally embarrassed myself in front of everyone I knew...”

Brian listened intently and he made no move to interrupt Justin or say anything. He knew that it probably took Justin a lot of strength to get this out and he also knew that the younger man probably needed to get it out in one go or he would never get up his strength again, so Brian just put away his laptop and sat up, listening to what Justin had to tell him.

“I pulled back from everyone and...I shut myself away in Debbie's house, hanging on to my own misery and pain and...I started to ignore everyone. Emmett showed up several times and...I knew that he was worried, but...I didn't deserve that worry. Not after what I had done to myself and I sent him away again, like I sent everyone away, really. I knew that I was worrying people and...I knew that they only wanted to help, but I had gotten it into my head that I was a fool, an idiot and that I wasn't deserving of that help. Not after having behaved like a lovesick teenager. Things went on like that for weeks, weeks where I just wallowed in my own misery and didn't let anyone near to help me and...then I saw an article about you winning an award at that awards show,” Justin ended on a whisper, still not looking up at Brian who was sitting in his place on the couch, trying to get his own emotions under control. There had been several instances when he had wanted to interrupt Justin and say something, but he knew that he shouldn't and he had to force himself to stay calm and continue to listen to Justin.

“You had just won the best ad man of the year award and I could see in that picture that the newspaper printed that you were happy and...I was so glad. God, you have no idea how glad I was when I saw those pictures of you looking happy because it meant that the move to New York had been the right thing for you. It had done for your career exactly what you had hoped for and apparently you were happy, so it must have been the right choice personally as well. I was happy for you. You were deserving of all the success that you could get and I was happy that you had apparently found it. You were a success and I started to feel more and more angry, because...what you had... I was so far away from it. My life consisted of finishing high school and plans for college and I started hating it...everything about it. I started hating my life and what it had become and...I think I just wanted to break out and change something, so...I started to go to bars and...I didn't care about how drunk I got and being drunk was the only time I really felt alive, so one night, in one of those bars...I met Danny and...I think he saw that I was in the middle of drinking myself to death and he started talking to me, asking me why I looked so miserable and...something inside of me just said 'Go fuck it all' and...I took him home that night and...I let him fuck me because...I thought that maybe it would make me feel again, that maybe it would make me feel alive again, but it didn't and...he saw the state that I was in and he told me that he knew how to cheer me up and...he handed me an ecstasy pill and...at first I wanted to refuse it, I didn't want to take it and wanted to kick him out, but...I thought to myself 'Why not? A lot of people take it. Who cares?' and so I took it and...he was right...I felt better and somehow in my fucked up mind my brain connected those things and I started to feel like I could only feel better when I took a pill and...Danny and I got closer and...soon after it wasn't just the pills anymore, it...Danny also gave me cocaine and heroine and we smoked crack and...being high was the only time I felt good. It's pathetic, but...being high was the only time that I felt alive and didn't feel like hating myself and...I knew that what I was doing was wrong and...everyone tried to make me see what path I was on, but...at the time I didn't really see what their problem was. I was feeling better and my brain told me that I was feeling better because of the drugs, so...why stop taking them, right? And then...one day...my school had kicked me out, my family had abandoned me, my job at the diner was gone and...my place at Debbie's was gone and...then all my friends were gone, but...by that time...when I realised how wrong I had been in thinking that I could only feel good when being high...it was too late. Way too late already to get away from it all and...,” Justin stopped, still only staring outside at the now dark sky, a single tear making its way down his cheek as he turned around to look at Brian from sad eyes.

“And that's the pathetic story of my fucked-up life.”

“You got away from it now,” Brian replied quietly, tears in his own eyes as well.

Justin held Brian's gaze, shaking his head slowly. “No...I'll never fully get away from it. I...I threw away my life and now...that's going to remind me for the rest of my days of how pathetic I am.”

“You've got a chance to get your life back, Justin. You've taken the first steps in the right direction to turn your life around and you've made some important realisations and that's far from being pathetic. Someone who's pathetic wouldn't have been able to do that. You're far from pathetic. You might have been weak, but you're showing such incredible strength now and I refuse to let you call yourself pathetic, because you're not!” Brian got up and slowly walked over to the armchair, squeezing Justin's shoulder.

“You've had a couple of bad years, but you've got a chance at a better future now, Justin and you have that chance because you made the right choices and decisions and that's far from being pathetic.”

They both looked out at the dark Pittsburgh sky, hanging on to their own thoughts as Brian's hands stayed on Justin's shoulder in a silent gesture of comfort and support, support that Brian knew the younger man would need along the way. And he also knew that it would still be a long way and a bumpy road for Justin and he just hoped that he would be able to help him enough along the way to keep him on it.

Chapter 15

“Brian, can I ask you something?” Justin asked as he looked up at Brian from his favourite place in the armchair, just having spent half an hour watching Brian work on his laptop, waiting for him to be done.

“Sure. What is it?”

“Do you...do you know...do you know anything about what happened to Danny's body?” Justin started slowly at first, but then got it out in one quick rush, obviously having a hard time bringing up the topic.

Brian looked at him intently, watching Justin's face for any signs of how he was feeling about bringing up the topic, but he was only able to see slight hesitation there. He had already wondered for weeks when Justin would bring Danny up again. He had been at Brian's place for nearly five weeks now, but they hadn't talked once about what had happened that night at all and Justin hadn't brought up Danny either, which had confused Brian, because he would have expected Justin to be more upset about his death. At first he had blamed it on the detox, thinking that Justin might have had other things on his mind, but now, weeks later, Brian had been waiting for Justin to bring him up again. He slowly shook his head, giving Justin an honest answer to his question.

“No.”

“Oh, okay,” Justin just replied before turning away from Brian and looking out at the garden.

“Can I ask you something, Justin?” Brian asked a few minutes later as he settled on the floor in front of the armchair, looking at Justin's sad face.

The younger man only nodded in answer, looking right back at Brian.

“Did you love him?”

“I am not sure,” Justin lowered his eyes, breaking eye contact with Brian.

Brian only frowned at that, but knew that there had to be more of an answer. “Why not?”

Justin shrugged. “I...I think I did and...I think I loved him at some point, but...I didn't love him with all my heart. I don't think I ever did. He was there and he wanted me, but...I think what he wanted even more was the money he thought I had because I was raised a Wasp and...when the bit of money that I had was gone and...when I had sold stuff and that money was gone as well...things changed and...I don't think he really loved me and that realisation made me stop loving him...”

Brian wondered about what Justin had said and couldn't help but think back to that day so many months ago when Justin had fallen asleep in his bedroom and when Brian had seen bruises covering his body. “Did he hurt you?”

Justin only nodded once, very quickly. “He...he had a temper and...when people didn't do what he wanted them to do...he could get angry...very angry and...at the time I didn't care...I even thought that I deserved it when he punished me, but...looking back at it now...I don't think that he ever loved me like I loved him. I cared about him and he was there and took care of me in his own way, but...it was fucked-up, just like the rest of my life and...some of the things he did...you don't do that if you love someone and...I think that I knew that even in my drugged mind, but...he was the only one I had, so...I just took it all in and thought that that was how it was supposed to be.”

“He gave you those bruises on your body when...when you came here for the first time, didn't he?” Brian asked gently, not able to control his anger at Danny. He had known that he had been a jerk, had seen it with his own eyes, but he had at least given him the benefit of the doubt where Justin had been concerned, thinking that he might have behaved differently with Justin, but hearing Justin say now that Danny had hurt him, made Brian glad that the guy was already dead. How anyone could hurt Justin was beyond him and he felt red-hot fury go through him as images of Danny beating Justin came to his mind.

“I...I was supposed to get money for him, he...he needed money to pay off some partner of his and...I was supposed to help him get the money, but...I couldn't get enough and...he got angry...,” Justin told Brian quietly, his face a mask of pain.

Something in Justin's eyes made Brian frown and a sick feeling settled in his stomach, knowing even before he asked Justin where he had been supposed to get that money.

“Where were you supposed to get that money? You didn't have any.”

Justin pulled up his knees to his chest and hid his head in his arms which he rested on his knees. His voice was muffled, but Brian still heard every single word and his heart broke with every syllable that Justin pressed out.

“He made me work the streets...he...he forced me to sleep with people for money...He said that...that I had a pretty face and had a great ass and...that people would pay to fuck me, but...I was so drugged up...I...I couldn't get enough money and...he got angry.”

Brian held out a hand and rested it on Justin's leg, rubbing it in comfort. “I am so sorry, Justin. So sorry.”

When Justin looked up, Brian was surprised to see him laughing, even though it was a cold, cruel laughter.

“Wanna know what's really pathetic? I didn't care...I didn't care that he made me sleep with people I didn't even know for money. I felt dirty, but...not nearly as much as I should have and...I thought it was just the way it was supposed to be. That it was part of the deal of being his boyfriend. That I could get his love by going along with what he wanted me to do.”

“If he had really loved you, he would have never asked you to do that. Love doesn't work like that,” Brian whispered, looking at Justin sadly, thinking that he would have never made Justin do something like that for money, no matter what. He didn't believe in love and yet he couldn't even bear the thought of Justin being with someone else against his will for money and he couldn't have lived with himself if he had ever pressured Justin into selling his body. It would have killed him and to know that another man had done that to Justin and that Justin had felt like he needed to go along with it to get that man's love, it broke his heart.

“How can you even stand to look at me? After all I've told you...how can you even stand to have me in your house?” Justin asked, looking at Brian intently, apparently seriously wondering about that and not knowing the answer, which made Brian sad, because he thought that Justin would know by now.

“Because I know the real you and know that this wasn't you. You were addicted and...addictions make people do things they would never do normally and...I just know what the real you is like, Justin!”

“At least one of us knows,” Justin gave back before a sob wracked his body and he started crying, his whole body shaking with the force of it. “I...I don't know anymore...,” he whispered through his tears, burying his head in his hands, making Brian get up and settle on the arm of the armchair, taking Justin into his arms.

There had been a lot of tears and a lot of crying in recent weeks and Brian knew that there would still be a lot more to come with all the things that Justin would have to work through and Brian could only imagine how painful it had to be to face up to some of the things he had done in the past, and all he could do was hold him and be there for him, trying to comfort him as best as he could, which he knew wasn't very well.

“You'll find out again...I am sure of it...you'll find yourself again,” Brian soothed the crying man in his arms, holding him tight until he had fallen into an exhausted sleep at his side. He pulled back slightly and looked at Justin's peaceful sleeping form, wiping away some of the tears that were still on his face. “You're going to find your way again.”

***

Brian had needed two days to work up his nerve to bring up Danny again, wanting to make sure that Justin was really okay and wasn't just pretending. Because once he had woken up again after that breakdown, he had acted as if nothing had ever happened and Brian wasn't too sure if it was because Justin was really okay or just pretending.

“Do you want me to find out?” Brian asked as they were watching a movie on his couch, Justin eating some popcorn with pleasure.

“Find out what?” Justin frowned, obviously not knowing what Brian was talking about, which wasn't really a surprise to Brian since his question had come out of the blue.

“You...you asked if I knew anything about what had happened to Danny's body. I am sure there's a way to find out. Do you want me to?” He explained, watching Justin's face, watching the emotions on it, seeing his frown deepen and his eyes darken.

Brian could see that Justin was seriously thinking about his question before he slowly shook his head. “No, I don't think so.”

“Okay,” Brian just said, accepting Justin's answer.

“I...I think that maybe...maybe it's just best to try and leave behind that part of my life once and for all, you know? I...I am not sure what good knowing would do,” Justin went on, looking at Brian for understanding, feeling relieved when he saw it on Brian's face and saw him nod in agreement.

“Yeah, that makes sense,” Brian said before he decided that he didn't want the atmosphere to get too heavy and tried to lighten the mood by reaching over and taking the bowl of popcorn from Justin. He took a huge handful of popcorn out of it and ate it with pleasure, smirking at the younger man.

“Hey, that's mine,” Justin immediately exclaimed, trying to get the bowl back from Brian who started throwing popcorn in Justin's direction, making him laugh. “You are so childish at times, you know that?”

Brian only threw some more popcorn in Justin's direction, laughing as well. “That's why you like me. Deal with it,” he smirked when he saw Justin picking up some of the popcorn that Brian had thrown at him and saw him throw it right back.

“Oh I will. Trust me.”

They spent another ten minutes throwing popcorn at each other before they collapsed in laughter and for the first time in months, Brian had heard real laugh coming from Justin and that sound had made him happier than he had felt in a long time.

***

“Is it true? Where is he?” Emmett burst into Brian's house, not even bothering to greet his surprised friend who just looked at him with wide eyes, clearly not having expected to see him.

“Emmett?”

“Michael said...where is he?” Emmett asked once more, frowning at Brian, obviously wanting to see Justin and feeling quite disappointed when he didn't see him right away in the hallway.

“If you're talking about Justin, he's taking a nap,” Brian told his friend calmly, wondering what he was doing at his home. “What are you doing here?”

“Well...Michael said that Justin was here and that he has detoxed at your house. I guess I wanted to see if he was right,” Emmett explained as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“So...you just came by without even bothering to call and wanted to see for yourself?” Brian asked, shaking his head slightly in annoyance.

“Yeah...well...I guess I should have called, right?” Emmett asked, suddenly feeling a bit unsure about just showing up at Brian's place like that without announcing his visit. He suddenly realised that maybe in this case he should have called first to check with Brian if coming over was okay. “Sorry, I...I think I just got carried away with it.”

“It's alright. Why don't we have a drink?” Brian sighed as he ushered Emmett into the living-room, picking up some beers from the kitchen and handing one to his guest.

“So...Michael was right?” Emmett asked, looking at Brian wide-eyed.

“Depends on what he told you,” Brian shrugged, wondering what Michael would have said to Emmett. Michael had been over at least twice a week and a week ago, Brian had left Justin on his own for the first time since his withdrawal, going over to the munchers place to spend some time with Gus and then have a beer with Michael at Woodie's, but Michael had yet to talk to Justin. He mostly came over to see Brian and to check on him and would meet him outside at the car. Brian didn't really know why Michael never came in. In the beginning he had just assumed that he didn't want to pressure Justin into having to see people, but now...after nearly two months, he wasn't quite sure if that was really the reason or if there was another reason. He had wanted to ask Michael to come in the last time, but then Ben had called with an emergency and he had to leave anyway. Brian would definitely have to ask him some time soon.

“That Justin was staying at your place and had detoxed here and was now living here,” Emmett gave Brian the short version, looking at his friend for confirmation.

“Well, that's true,” Brian confirmed, watching as the tall queen's eyes widened.

“He...he really detoxed?” Emmett asked in clear disbelief and Brian only nodded, by now quite able to understand why Emmett might have such a hard time believing that. Brian had only seen Justin for a couple of months, Emmett had watched him self-destruct for the better part of three years, so Brian couldn't quite blame him for being disbelieving.

“Yep, he did. He's been staying here for eight weeks now and has been clean ever since,” Brian told Emmett, not quite able to hide the pride from his voice. He was proud of Justin for having managed to go through with his withdrawal and he didn't care what Emmett might think about it.

“Woah...that's just...,”

“Unexpected?” Brian supplied, chuckling at Emmett's shocked face.

“Yeah, you can say that. How did you get him to agree to that?”

Brian shrugged. “Not quite sure, but...for the most part he wanted help and I just offered it to him.”

“But...he never wanted our help,” Emmett voiced, looking at Brian in surprise. “Why would he just take yours?”

Not feeling like getting into too much detail and not wanting to give Emmett too much info that Justin might consider private and might not want him to know, Brian just shrugged once more. “I guess he realised that something needed to change and that he couldn't go on like that.”

“And then you had him detox here at your house?”

“Yeah...it was the only way it would have worked. He didn't want to go to a clinic, so...we did it here.”

“That must have been hard,” Emmett looked at Brian in sympathy, not surprised when his friend nodded.

“You've got no idea. The first weeks were hell...there's just no other word for it, but...after two weeks...the worst was over and he's already a lot better now.”

“And now he's taking a nap in the middle of the day when I come over to see him? That's no way to treat a guest,” Emmett huffed, making Brian chuckle.

“He's lost a lot of weight and it's still going to take some time till he'll be back to his old self. He still has to gain a lot of weight and...there are issues that he needs to work through and...he still needs a lot of rest,” Brian explained when he heard a sound on the stairs, soon after followed by a voice calling out for him.

“Brian? You wouldn't have a coffee ready, would you? God, I can really do with a strong one now,” the voice called out to him as the owner of the voice made his way into the living-room, obviously not having noticed that Brian had a visitor. He stopped in his tracks when he saw Emmett there with Brian.

“Oh,” Justin just breathed, before he turned around and made his way back out of the room, mumbling a quick “I'll wait upstairs”.

“No, wait. Come here and sit down with us,” Brian urged, getting up and walking after Justin, catching his arm just as he had already taken the first step.

“No, I should wait and let you two talk,” Justin muttered, trying to get his hand out of Brian's grasp, looking at him in annoyance when he wouldn't let go of him.

“Emmett came by to see you,” Brian said quietly. “He wanted to see how you were doing. Come and join us for a bit.”

Justin looked at Brian and Brian could easily recognise the emotions dancing across his face. There was fear, and Brian wondered what Justin was so scared about, but mostly there was uncertainty and Brian squeezed Justin's hand in his, looking at him intently.

“He's your friend, Justin and you can't hide from the world forever. Go and talk to him and I'll get you that coffee, okay?”

Justin eyed Brian doubtfully, but in the end nodded slowly, making his way down from the step again.

“He won't bite,” Brian encouraged as he led Justin into the living-room where Emmett had been waiting for them to return. He threw Emmett a quick look, trying to convey to him that he better be nice since it was obvious that Justin was terrified.

“Why don't you two catch up a bit while I get that coffee ready?” Brian suggested, before he squeezed Justin's hand once more and then let go of it and left for the kitchen, hoping that this wouldn't end in a big disaster.

Justin just stood in the doorway, obviously having no intention to move and Emmett just looked at him, putting on his most encouraging smile. “Hey...”

“Hey,” Justin replied timidly, not having moved an inch since Brian had left from his side.

“You look good, Justin. Really good,” Emmett said sincerely, trying to show Justin that he had nothing to be nervous of.

“Thanks,” he replied quietly.

“So...Brian tells me that you're doing a lot better now. I am happy to hear that and...to also see it.”

Justin only nodded in reply to that, which made Emmett frown.

“You don't have to be scared of me, Justin. I am your friend,” he said quietly as he looked at the younger man sadly.

“That's not what you said when we met last year,” Justin replied carefully, avoiding Emmett's eyes and looking at his own hands instead.

Emmett sighed and got up. He slowly moved over to where Justin stood, but immediately raised his hands when he saw Justin take a frightened step back. “Hey...don't be afraid of me. I...I know that we said things that...weren't nice and...I know that some things happened that...weren't nice either, but...I am glad to see that you're doing better, Justin and I just wanted to come by and see it for myself, but...if it makes you this uncomfortable, maybe I should better leave.”

Justin slowly raised his eyes and looked at Emmett's face and Emmett smiled gently at him. “What I said...it wasn't directed at you, Justin...it was directed at that drugged freak that you had become, but...I can see that you're not like that anymore and...I am your friend.”

“I am sorry,” Justin whispered, looking at Emmett from sad eyes. “Sorry for everything and...I...I never meant for things to...to get so out of control,” he apologised and Emmett just waved that apology away, still smiling his gap-toothed smile at Justin.

“That's in the past, Justin. A past that we should just leave behind. You're doing better now and you already look so much better and...you have no idea how relieved I am to see you doing well and...maybe we can just forget about all that shit and start new. I always quite liked the Justin that wasn't a drugged up junkie and...I wonder if I might like him again now that he's back,” Emmett said gently, looking at Justin from warm, caring eyes. “If you want that, that is. I can also just go and fuck off, if this is too soon or too much.”

Justin shook his head, looking at Emmett from his big eyes, eyes that were now filled with unshed tears. “I would like that.”

“You would like it if I fucked off?” Emmett winked, already knowing that that wasn't what Justin had meant, trying to lighten the mood a bit.

“No,” Justin chuckled slightly, smiling at Emmett. “I'd like it if you stayed and...if we could just leave the past behind.”

Emmett grinned at Justin. “Now that's more like it,” he whispered as he walked closer and when he didn't see Justin protesting this time, he took him in his arms and hugged him tight. “I missed you, Baby,” he whispered, making Justin smile as the first tears left his eyes.

Brian watched them from the doorway, feeling his heart warm at the scene of Emmett hugging Justin, knowing that it had been yet another step in the right direction for the younger man to face one of his old friends and to talk to him, trying to patch up their friendship. Justin could do with friends on his side and he was glad that Emmett still wanted to be Justin's friend, no matter what might have happened between them in the past.

Chapter 16

“Damn, Brian. Where was he? Why didn't he show up?” Michael's angry voice greeted Brian right away as he picked up his phone. He frowned as he had no idea who or what his friend was talking about.

“Michael?”

“Do you have any idea what kind of trouble he is in now? They have a fucking arrest warrant out for him now,” Michael just went on, confusing Brian even more.

“What? Who?”

“Justin of course,” Michael said, wondering if Brian was really that dense or if he just didn't know.

“Justin? Wh-what?”

“He had a court date today and he didn't show up. Why didn't he fucking show up?” Michael asked once more.

“I...I didn't know...I...I had no idea...arrest warrant?” Brian repeated slowly, trying to get a grip on what Michael was telling him.

“He's in so much trouble right now...you better get this sorted out, Brian!” Michael told him before he hung up on him, leaving Brian to frown once more. What the fuck was that about? Why had Michael hung up on him and why did he expect him to know anything about what was going on? He had no fucking idea what Michael had even been talking about.

Brian looked up from his desk and sighed. Whatever was going on, he had to find out more information and there was only one person he could get it from. He picked up his briefcase and grabbed some papers, resigning himself to leaving the office early.

He went past Cynthia's desk and informed her of an emergency, then left his agency in her hands for the rest of the day. After a short 10 minute drive he arrived back home and made his way into the house. He looked outside into the garden where Justin was resting in a deck chair by the pool, lazily sketching on a sketchpad, obviously not having a care in the world.

“Christ,” Brian just muttered as he threw away his briefcase and made his way outside, wearing a worried expression that Justin immediately recognised for what it was when he saw Brian storm outside.

“Brian? Is everything okay? What are you doing here this early?” He asked, closing his sketchpad when he saw Brian's face darken even more. He immediately sat up. “Is everything okay?”

“No...I got a call from Michael at the office and...,” Brian started, but he didn't really know how to continue.

“Michael? What did he want?”

“For starters he asked me why you didn't show up in court today,” Brian replied, surprised at the anger he heard in his own voice, not having intended to make it sound that accusing.

“What?” Justin just asked and looked at Brian in confusion before his face fell and he slammed his hand against his forehead. “Shit!”

“You know what he's talking about?” Brian asked when he saw that Justin obviously understood way better than he himself did.

“I forgot,” he immediately said to Brian, looking up at him from scared eyes. “I...it was today? I thought...shit...I thought it was weeks away...shit, shit, shit!” He got up from the deck chair and started pacing the garden in obvious distress.

“A court date?” Brian asked once more, looking at Justin intently, clearly showing him that he wanted nothing but the whole truth.

“I...I got into some trouble and...there was a date set for a trial, but...I thought it was still weeks away, I...with everything going on...I haven't really paid attention to the dates and...I forgot,” Justin tried to explain, his voice panicked. “I am going to be in so much trouble...”

“There's an arrest warrant, Michael said,” Brian muttered, looking over at Justin and seeing him gasp in shock at that bit of information, but for now deciding that he needed more answers. “What kind of trouble?”

Justin paced the garden some more before he looked at Brian from devastated eyes. “Assault, DUI and drug possession,” he whispered, having wished that he never had to tell Brian.

“Assault?” the older man asked as his eyes widened to comical proportions and when Justin just hung his head and nodded, Brian couldn't believe it. “You did it? You actually did it?”

“I...I didn't mean to...you have to believe me...It was an accident,” Justin immediately tried to defend himself, looking at Brian pleadingly. “And...I didn't mean to forget about the trial...”

“Well, too late for that now,” Brian muttered darkly, making his way back inside. Once inside, he picked up his phone.

“What are you doing?” Justin asked in a panicked voice, obviously thinking that Brian would call the police and he started to shake in fear.

Brian didn't even bother to turn around to face Justin as he made his way to his office where he knew the number that he needed was. “I am going to call Melanie and will ask her what we're going to do now.”

Justin just watched after Brian and after a second of hesitation decided to follow him, waiting in the doorway as Brian talked to her, trying to convince her to help them and set up an emergency meeting.

When Brian was done talking to Melanie, he looked over at Justin, who was still only wearing shorts, from sad eyes. “You should get dressed. She's waiting for us.”

Justin only nodded before he made his way upstairs. He returned a few minutes later, his eyes red from obviously having cried. He avoided Brian's eyes as he addressed him.

“I am sorry for disappointing you again, Brian. I...I am sorry,” he just ended lamely as he quietly walked towards the car and got in on the passenger side and rested his head against the window. He looked out, totally ignoring Brian's presence otherwise.

At the sight of Justin's dejected form, Brian felt all his anger dissipate and he got into the car as well, turning towards the younger man.

“No...I am sorry. I am sorry for getting so angry. I didn't mean to...I know you didn't forget on purpose and...I am just worried, I guess.”

Justin slowly turned towards Brian and looked at him from the most anxious eyes that he had ever seen. “I...I don't want to go to prison...I...I am not going to survive that...,” he whispered and Brian took his hand, squeezing it once in comfort.

“Maybe it won't come to that. We'll try to figure this out, Justin. But...we're going to have to take care of this. You know that, don't you?” Brian asked, just wanting to make sure that Justin knew that running away was not an option this time.

When Justin nodded, Brian smiled at him encouragingly. “We're going to figure this out, Justin and...whatever happens, we're going to find a way out of this mess together. I promise!”

“Thank you, Brian,” Justin whispered as he looked at Brian gratefully and squeezed the hand that was holding his once, before he turned towards the window once more and continued to stare out of it.

He didn't say a word the whole drive to Melanie's office and he stayed quiet for most of the time there as well. He just answered questions that were directed straight at him, questions about having a criminal record and previous charges made against him. He didn't even participate in any small talk between Brian and Melanie when they tried to include him. Justin had disappeared into his own little world.

Brian watched him worriedly, not able to push Justin's earlier words out of his mind. 'I am not going to survive that'. Brian had little doubt that Justin had spoken the truth. He knew that the young man had been arrested before, so he must have seen the inside of a prison before and now that he had just managed to get away from the drugs and had just managed to slowly start to get a grip on his life again, trying to rebuild relationships from his old life, trying to get back in contact with his mother as well as Daphne, slowly improving his relationship with Emmett ever since he had been over for the first time two weeks ago, Brian knew that that statement was right.

Justin wanted nothing more than to leave behind that part of his life, but now it seemed as though it might get back at him in the cruellest way possible.

Brian listened as Melanie presented them with the options at hand, telling them that if Justin surrendered himself into police custody, there might be a good chance of getting him out on bail, telling them that a new date for a trial would be set and that Justin could wait for that trial in freedom. It had by far been the only acceptable solution and Brian hoped that she was right and that she could get Justin to be released on bail, because there had also been the option of him staying in police custody until a new court date was set and just seeing all colour drain from Justin's face at that, Brian knew that it wasn't an acceptable option.

Melanie left them on their own to talk over their options in private and Brian turned to Justin, seeing that he was crying silently. He gently wiped away Justin's tears, making him look at him.

“That doesn't sound too bad, does it? We're just going to post bail and then we'll wait for a new court date,” he started, trying to sound as encouraging as he could muster in light of that day's events.

Justin just looked at him and shook his head, making Brian frown. “What?”

“I...I don't have any money...I can't post...bail,” Justin whispered.

“But I have the money and I will pay it,” Brian immediately assured Justin who just shook his head once more. “Justin?”

“You...you already did so much...I can't ask more of you...”

“Hey, look at me, Justin! I promised you that I would help you to get out of this mess and...I don't think there's much else that I can do...so...let me do this, okay? Let me help you in the only way that I can right now. Please!” Brian nearly pleaded.

“Thank you, Brian,” Justin said quietly after several minutes of silence, obviously realising himself that it was the only way of not having to go to prison right away.

Melanie returned a couple of minutes later and when they told her that they would go along with her plan and that Justin would surrender into police custody, she called the police department and informed them of their impending arrival.

The drive to the police station had been quiet and Brian watched Justin worriedly as he was led away and taken into custody. He knew that a lot of paperwork had to be done and felt quite alone as Melanie left soon after, informing him that she needed to get to the courthouse to get bail set for Justin, leaving him with no other option than to settle in one of the chairs in the entrance hall to the police station, waiting for her to return with what Brian prayed for to be good news.

It had been the longest three hours of his life and he nearly jumped up and ran towards her when he saw her enter the building later in the afternoon, waving a piece of paper.

“$30.000!” She announced and Brian sighed in relief at that bit of information.

He immediately went to a desk with her by his side and they started to set up the paperwork of Brian posting bail for Justin and it took another 30 minutes until a very pale-looking Justin was led back to them. Brian immediately engulfed him in a tight hug.

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly and was relieved when Justin nodded.

Melanie informed them that a new court date had been set for three days later and she led them to a quiet room where she quickly went over some details of the case with them.

She informed them that she didn't see much chance for an acquittal, since the evidence against Justin was pretty watertight and she also told them that they should prepare themselves for some jail time.

“But...there has to be a way to get around that...I mean...Justin just went through withdrawal...that...that has to be good for something, right? Clearly they must see that something like that won't happen again now that he's gotten away from the drugs,” Brian tried desperately, begging her to say something else.

“It might help if we could get some character reference letters, trying to portray a positive character for Justin, trying to influence the judge by making him see that he has changed and is a different person now, but...as far as I can see it, that's our only real chance here. Making the judge see that Justin has gotten away from the drugs and that there's no danger of him assaulting someone else.”

She left shortly after and Brian and Justin drove back home in silence. Justin had withdrawn into himself and barely paid Brian any attention. Once they had gotten inside the house, Brian immediately went and picked up his phone, making Justin frown.

“Who are you calling?” He asked in mild interest as he plopped down on the couch.

“Emmett, Ted, Debbie...hell, Michael...trying to get as many letters of character reference as we can.”

“Don't bother calling Michael,” Justin said dolefully.

“What? Of course...,” Brian returned, looking at Justin in confusion. “I am going to call everyone.”

“Michael won't do it,” Justin just said calmly. “So don't even bother.”

“Of course he will...when we explain to him what's going on. He'll just have to get that stick out of his ass and will have to help you!”

“Brian, Michael won't do it!” Justin only repeated again, but this time his voice sounded a lot more annoyed.

Brian didn't know why Justin had sounded so annoyed and got annoyed himself. “Of course he will. When push comes to shove, he's your friend.”

“Not in this case,” Justin angrily gave back and got up from the couch, leaving the living-room. Brian looked after him in confusion and also slight anger.

“What the hell is going on between you two? What happened to make you both behave so ridiculous?” Brian asked as he followed Justin into the kitchen where the younger man poured himself a glass of water.

“Brian...haven't you wondered how Michael knew that I had missed that court date?”

“Well...maybe he read it somewhere...how would I know?” Brian gave back, starting to get a very bad feeling about this whole story. He couldn't put his finger on it, but he knew that something was wrong and that something had also been off during their meeting with Melanie. He only realised now that Melanie hadn't asked any questions concerning this particular case. She had asked about previous convictions, previous charges, but now that he thought about it, it was as if she had already known what the case against Justin was about. Something was definitely wrong and he would find out what it was, if it was the last thing he did.

“He didn't read it somewhere. He knew firsthand, Brian. And he won't write that letter, no matter how much you ask him to do it,” Justin told Brian calmly.

“What? Why?”

“You don't get it, do you? Michael is the one who pressed the assault charges against me!”

Chapter 17

Michael is the one who pressed the assault charges against me!

Brian just looked at Justin for the longest time before he was able to form one single word. “Wh-what?”

Justin sighed deeply as he emptied the glass of water and put it down before he moved over to Brian's side and looked at him sadly.

“Michael is the one who pressed these charges against me, Brian and...he will go through with this. He has every reason to and...it's the least that I deserve from him, really.”

“You assaulted Michael?” Brian asked, trying to wrap his head around what Justin was trying to tell him.

“No,” Justin just answered as he moved over to a chair and sat down.

“But...you said one of the charges was for assault and...that Michael had pressed the assault charge,” Brian followed Justin, looking at him in confusion as he sat down across from him.

“I...I wish it had been Michael, but it wasn't...,” Justin whispered as he hung his head and refused to look at Brian.

“Then who was it? Ben? Did you hit him?” Brian asked, feeling like this story was getting out of hand more and more with every second. He just didn't want to imagine Justin assaulting anyone. That was outrageous, but he had by now learned to accept that Justin had done many outrageous things.

Justin shook his head before he looked up at Brian, his eyes desperate and so full of pain. “I...I hurt Vic,” he whispered making Brian gasp in shock.

“Vic?” Uncle Vic had passed away several months before Brian had returned to Pittsburgh. He had passed away from a heart failure due to his HIV infection. Whatever must have happened must have happened a long time ago when Vic had still been alive and well.

Justin only nodded, not able to say more and all of a sudden everything made sense. Michael's anger at Justin and the coldness in his voice whenever he talked about him. Michael had loved Vic more than anything, probably only second to his mother and had always been very protective of his uncle as every good nephew was and if Justin had gone and had injured Vic, Brian had no doubt that Michael would see that as the last straw and would want Justin to pay for that. But why wouldn't Debbie be more angry? She hadn't seemed that angry, mostly sad whenever Brian had talked to her about Justin. So many questions went through Brian's head, but the most important needed an answer right away.

“What did you do?” Brian asked, trying to make his voice as gentle as he could. He had to force himself to remember that Justin hadn't been himself when whatever had happened with Vic had happened. He had to try to keep the anger out of his voice that he felt at the knowledge that the man sitting opposite him now had injured his surrogate father or the closest thing he had ever had to a father, someone whom he had loved like his own father.

“It was...it was an accident. I didn't mean to hurt him. I...god, I would have never hurt him...I loved him...and...I didn't mean to hurt Vic, Brian,” Justin started, his voice pleading for Brian to understand, however Brian was far from being understanding. He wanted to know what had happened, he wanted to finally find out what had caused Michael to turn this cold, so he only repeated his earlier question.

“What did you do?”

“I...I came to Debbie's place, because...I was broke and...Danny wanted me to get money for new drugs and...I couldn't get any and...I went to Debbie's place, asking her for money. She...she had given me money before and...I hoped that she would do it again and...Michael and Ben and Vic were there and Michael...he was so angry and he said he wouldn't give me any more money and he wouldn't allow Debbie to do so either until I had cleaned up and so I told him I needed it for food, but...he saw right through me and knew that I would only use it for drugs and...he was so angry and I got angry as well and we were screaming at each other and he shouted at me to get out of his mother's house and to not come back until I had cleaned up and...he pushed me towards the door and...he made me angry and I hit him...he fell to the floor and...he exclaimed something in surprise because I had hit him and...Debbie, who had been upstairs with Vic must have heard him because she came down and when she saw Michael on the floor, holding his bleeding lip, she just started screaming at me and...I screamed back and...she was furious and told me to get out and never come back and...Vic tried to calm her down, but she wouldn't let him and she started throwing things at me, yelling the whole time that I should just fuck off and leave them alone and...I did. I...I turned around and left the room and...Vic... he stood in the doorway and he was trying to calm everyone down, because...we were all screaming and...he looked so tired, but...at the time I didn't care and I just wanted to get out of there and...he started walking towards me, probably thinking that I would talk to him, but...I was so angry at Michael and Debbie and...I was beyond caring and just wanted to get out of there and...I was high and...God, Brian...you have to believe me, it was an accident! I didn't mean to hurt him,” Justin ended on a whisper, tears running down his face as he haltingly told his story.

“What happened then?” Brian asked once more, feeling shivers run down his spine, wondering what Justin would tell him next.

“I...I just pushed him aside. I...I wanted him to get out of my way and he fell and...he hit his head on a table in the hallway and...I could see that he was bleeding and...Debbie was beyond furious and started punching me while Michael checked on Vic and...I just ran away...I...I just left and a couple of weeks later police arrested me while I was driving, high as a kite...Michael had pressed charges against me for hurting Vic, who... he had passed away the day before, so he had never pressed charges against me himself, but Michael did after Vic had died and...Michael never mentioned anything about me hitting him as well and...when they took me to the police station they searched me and found drugs and...well, that's where the DUI and drug possession comes from, but...Michael was there and...there was so much coldness in his eyes as he looked at me and told me that I had gone too far and that he was beyond caring and that he never wanted to see me again and...he hated me, Brian...I made him hate me because I hurt Vic before he died and...at the time I didn't care. I was just so angry that Michael had gone to the police and...I didn't even ask him if Vic was okay...I only found out later that he had died the day before. I was so high that...I didn't even care about what I had done,” Justin told Brian, his voice taking on a nearly hysterical pitch.

“I...I had hurt a sick, old man, but...I didn't care. All I cared about was being angry at Michael for having gone to the police and...we argued and...he told me that he hoped that this would finally get me to clean up my act, but...I was let go after having testified and being booked and all and...I just went on as I had always done...I just didn't care...”

Brian looked at Justin sadly and he could easily see that while it might not have bothered Justin back then, it bothered him greatly now to know that he had been capable of hurting an innocent man and even though Brian still felt anger inside of him and knew that he would have done the same thing in Michael's shoes, that he would have lost his shit as well at seeing Vic bleeding and hurt, he also knew that that hadn't been Justin. Not the Justin that was sitting in front of him now, looking like a picture of misery. That had been the drugged out Justin, but he wasn't like that anymore and Brian knew without a doubt that Justin would never do something like that when clean and he also knew that while Michael might have been right to do what he did back then, it was the worst possible thing to happen now. So he pushed back his chair and got up from it, picked up his phone and keys, which made Justin look after him in confusion and then pure panic when he saw Brian head for the door, fearing that Brian was disgusted with him now and needed to get away.

“Brian...don't...I am sorry! God, I am so sorry! I didn't mean to hurt him...you have to believe me,” he pleaded with Brian who only seemed to remember the state Justin was in when he had already reached the door and heard his panicked voice. Brian slowly moved back to the kitchen doorway and looked at Justin sadly.

“I can't even begin to understand why this happened and...I am not even sure I want to, but...this has to stop! He can't go through with this. Not now when you've cleaned up your act!”

“Where are you going?” Justin asked fearfully, having gotten a good idea from Brian's words, knowing that Brian wasn't trying to get away from him.

“I am going to talk to Michael and I am going to try and make him see that this has to stop! This is just ridiculous. He can't go through with it now!” Brian explained, surprised by how calm his voice sounded.

“Didn't you listen to what I just told you?” Justin asked, his voice rising. “Didn't you listen to a fucking word of what I just said? I hurt Vic! I hurt his sick uncle who had been like a father to him and...this is the least that I deserve for doing so. He has every right to go through with this and...do even more.”

Brian slowly came back into the kitchen and knelt down at Justin's side, looking at the man beside him, a man he had seen go through hell and make it back in one piece, a man he had promised to help on his way back and he had every intention of keeping this promise.

“That wasn't you, Justin. That was the drugged out you, but...you're not like that anymore and I know that you would never do something like that when you're clean and...I know that Michael knows as well deep down and...it's time to remind him of it. You said he went to the police because he wanted you to clean up your act. Fine, you've done so. Going through with this now isn't going to help anyone and Michael just has to see that as well. He will just have to understand that you're not like that anymore and haven't touched drugs in more than two months. This has to stop, Justin!”

“He hates me, Brian,” Justin just whispered, looking at Brian hopelessly.

“He hates what you have become, Justin, but I've known Michael for years and he's always been a good friend to whoever needed a friend. I don't think he has forgotten about that.”

Justin slowly got up from his chair and walked past Brian who just looked after him with a big frown on his face. “Justin?”

“Do what you have to do, but...it's not going to change anything, Brian. He hates me and...I hurt his uncle and...he has every right to do this,” Justin gave back quietly before he moved upstairs to his room, shutting the door behind him, effectively ending their conversation.

Brian knew that there was no point in talking to Justin if he was in a mood like that, so he just decided to go through with his plan and to talk to Michael. At first he had considered calling Michael, not wanting to leave Justin on his own, but he knew that this talk couldn't be had over the phone and that he needed to talk to Michael in person, so he just hoped that Justin would be okay and vowed to take care of him once he was back from Michael's, hopefully with good news.

He arrived at his friend's house fifteen minutes later, ringing the bell, waiting for Michael to open the door.

Michael arrived at the door and just looked at Brian, immediately seeing in his face that he knew now. He was just about to say something when Brian started first.

“You have to stop this, Michael! You can't go through with this.”

Michael sighed as he stepped aside and let Brian in, not wanting the whole neighbourhood to hear what they had to talk about. For the first time in two days, he felt glad that Ben wasn't there right then, but had left town on a work trip with one of his colleagues from university. He missed him greatly, but he had a feeling that it was better that he wasn't there for this talk. He knew that Ben disagreed with his actions and didn't need to hear it again.

“So,” Michael started, taking a deep breath. “He told you?”

Brian nodded, looking at Michael sadly. “Why didn't you?”

Michael sat down on the couch, looking much older and more tired to Brian than he had ever seen him.

“You didn't even know that Justin was taking drugs, Brian! What was I supposed to tell you? 'Oh and you know? Vic's been hurt by a cracked out Justin. Sorry you have to find out like this.' It was better to not tell you.”

“You could have told me after I knew! Damn, you could have told me all these weeks that Justin has been staying with me. You could have told me today on the phone! Why didn't you just fucking mention that the court date was today?”

Michael sighed once more. “I thought he knew. I thought he would have told you...I am not responsible for him keeping important dates in mind, Brian!”

Brian sat down as well, his voice calm. “He forgot. He...he didn't intentionally miss it. He forgot. Plain and simple and...with everything he's been through these last weeks, I can't even blame him. He thought it was still weeks away.”

“And now?”

“We went to Melanie and he surrendered to police custody and...we got him out on bail. He's at home now,” Brian said, looking at Michael's face for his reaction, but not seeing any reaction at all.

“God, Michael. He's so scared of having to go to prison. You should have seen him,” Brian started, but was cut off by Michael's angry voice.

“Maybe he should have thought about that before he pulled all this shit!”

“Michael...you know that he would have never intentionally hurt Vic! You know that!”

“And yet he did, Brian!” Michael angrily gave back.

“That was the drugs, Mikey. The drugs changed Justin into something he's not. You know that! God, you're the one who told me for months that he wasn't Justin anymore. You've been the one who's told me for months that he changed and that the drugs had changed him, but...he's kicked the drugs now and...you know that he would never hurt anyone! And I think Vic knew it too. It's why he never pressed charges when he was alive, isn't it? It's why you only did it after Vic had died and... it's also why your mom hasn't mentioned any of this. She also knows that Justin would never hurt anyone. They all know it, but you don't want to see it. Why?”

“Why are you here, Brian?” Michael asked silently, ignoring all of Brian's questions as he looked at his friend, not feeling like listening to him defend Justin's actions for any longer and also not feeling like hearing once more that he was overreacting, as his mother, Ben and even Vic had told him when he had still been alive.

“You have to stop this, Michael! I...I know that you went to the police in the hope that maybe an arrest and a conviction would get him to finally clean up his act, but...he already has. He hasn't touched any drugs in more than two months and...he's slowly getting better. If...if you had just come in once when you came over, you could have seen with your own eyes. The old Justin is slowly coming back and...he's working through so many issues right now...this is the worst possible timing, Mikey. The worst possible thing that could have happened and...you are the one who has the power to stop this!”

“You want me to feel pity for him now, Brian? He did this and now he has to accept that there are consequences for his actions. He'd better get used to it,” Michael spat and Brian could only look at him sadly.

“What is your mom's take on all of this?” Brian asked, wondering why Debbie hadn't mentioned anything when she had talked with Justin in recent weeks and having a feeling that he knew what the answer would be.

“She is just happy that he's doing better now. That's all she cares about. With Uncle Vic gone, she says it's time to move on and that Uncle Vic wouldn't have wanted this,” Michael said quietly. “But Justin did it and now he has to face the consequences for his actions.”

Brian nodded once, not surprised that Debbie wasn't supporting Michael in this. “He's your friend, Michael! He's a bloody friend of yours! You can't do this to him. Not now...prison is going to kill him...it's going to destroy everything he's already achieved in the last two months. If...if he gets convicted, we're going to lose him, Michael. Once and for all, I have no doubt of that,” Brian said grimly, knowing that it was the truth.

If Justin was convicted and had to go to prison, it would be his end. There was no easier place to get drugs than a prison and Brian also knew that Justin wasn't emotionally strong enough yet to cope with being away from the only people that cared about him and helped him and that he wouldn't be strong enough to resist on his own.

“He's not my friend, Brian. He was your fuck buddy and an acquaintance of mine, but he stopped being that the day his drugs became more important than the well-being of an innocent old man,” Michael angrily answered Brian's emotional words.

“Do you really want him to die? Do you hate him so much that you can't even acknowledge what he has achieved so far? Damn, Michael! He's been clean for more than two months. He's been working so hard to get away from it and...I thought you thought that was a good thing. So why are you going through with this now? It's only going to destroy all that we've already achieved,” Brian pleaded once more, but Michael only looked at him sadly.

“Even if I wanted to, Brian, how do you want me to stop this? Things have been set in motion months ago when I went to the police. Lawyers and courts are taking care of this now. What would you even want me to do?”

Brian looked at Michael in surprise and for the first time realised that he had no idea. Michael was right, things had already been set in motion months ago and it wasn't even in his hands anymore.

“I don't know,” he admitted, hiding his head in his hands, feeling beyond hopeless, finally starting to realise that there really wasn't anything that he could do to help Justin. Not this time and he knew that this time was important, because Justin was still too weak to deal with a conviction right now.

“I am sorry, Brian. I really am, but...Justin did this and now he has to face up to it. It was only a matter of time before he had to and...I know that the timing sucks, but...he will just have to deal with it.”

Brian's voice broke as he allowed hopelessness to claim him and he answered in a halting voice. “It's going to kill him...he can't do this now...he feels so bad for all of it, Michael and...he's still so broken.”

Michael felt for his friend, and seeing him like that didn't leave him cold, so he went over and took a hurting Brian in his arms.

“He worked so hard and...now it might have been for nothing...why now?”

“I don't know,” Michael answered honestly.

“He is getting better...He...he even met with Emmett and Ted and...he started talking with Debbie and his mother again and...he's been through hell and...he has such a hard time coping with everything he did and that he has to face up to, but...this is bad, Mikey...really bad,” Brian said quietly, being held by Michael.

“I am sorry, Brian. I wish things were different,” Michael whispered, not for the first time really wishing that. Seeing Brian's pain hurt him and he felt sorry that Brian had even been pulled into all that mess and he knew that Brian would get hurt in the end. He had known so for months and had dreaded the day it would finally happen and it seemed to him as if that day had finally arrived. He had no doubt that with all his previous arrests there was no way that Justin wouldn't get at least some time in prison and while Michael couldn't really care less about him, he worried what that would do to his best friend. Brian would be inconsolable, Michael just knew it.

Brian didn't know how long he and Michael stayed like that, but he was sure that it was quite some time before he pulled back and looked at him from pained eyes. “He is sorry, Michael. He never meant to hurt Vic. If nothing else, you have to believe that,” Brian whispered before he moved out of Michael's arms and got up.

“What are you going to do now?” Michael asked, watching after Brian as he moved towards the door.

“Talk to everyone I can talk to...try and get them to write character reference letters...Melanie thinks it's our best shot. Try and make the judge see that he has changed and...that he wouldn't normally do something like that when he is clean,” Brian told Michael quietly as he saw him come over and walk him to the front door.

“Good luck, Brian! I...I really hope for your sake that you'll be successful,” Michael whispered before he hugged Brian tight. “I really do.”

Brian only nodded, hardly having registered Michael's words or the thoughtful look in his eyes, also missing how Michael stood in the doorway, watching after him as he got into his car. He also didn't hear how Michael muttered to himself. “I really do, Brian.”

Chapter 18

The next two days went by in a blur in Brian's house. Justin hardly left his room and shut himself away, shutting Brian out who was beyond worried. All Brian could do was call all the friends he could think of and ask them for their help, getting them to write character reference letters. In the end he hadn't nearly gotten as many people to agree to write one as he had wished for, but at least some had agreed: Emmett, Ted and Lindsay among them. He himself had also written one and had been present as Justin had met with Melanie twice, trying to set up a strategy for the trial.

Melanie bluntly told them that things looked dire and she didn't have much hope to get Justin out of this mess without at least some prison time, seeing how his previous record was far from empty and how the judge who would sit over this trial was known as a strict one. She also clearly told them that the fact that a sick man had been hurt made an acquittal even less likely, because old, sick people caused stronger reactions in people, judges included.

None of that helped to improve Brian's or Justin's mood and Brian got more and more worried by the minute the more he saw Justin draw back into himself and shut him out, even refusing to talk to him at all at times.

As Brian looked at his watch and knew that it was time to leave for court, he sighed deeply, hoping against hope that the day wouldn't end in a disaster. He slowly made his way over to his guestroom, knocked on the door twice before he opened the door and found Justin sitting dressed and apparently ready, deep in thought on his bed.

“We should leave now, Justin,” he said silently and watched as the young man got up from the bed as if in trance, walked past him, but still didn't say a single word.

He stayed quiet the whole way to the courthouse and all Brian could do was look over at him every once in a while in worry.

When they entered the courthouse, they immediately saw Melanie and walked over to her and she gave them some last minute instructions which they both listened to silently. They then followed her inside the room where the trial would take place and Brian also saw that Michael had already arrived and seemed to be in an intense discussion with his lawyer who seemed quite angry about something. Brian couldn't really hear what their discussion was about and quite frankly he didn't care and he only nodded back curtly at Michael in greeting when the other man looked up and looked over at them from sad, tired eyes.

Brian chose to ignore Michael for the time being and concentrated on Justin instead who had visibly gotten paler and had started shaking slightly as he saw the two police officers waiting next to a side door, looming over them like a prophecy that waited to come true.

Brian turned to the younger man and took his hand in his, watching as Justin's eyes slowly averted their attention from the officers and to him, looking at him fearfully.

“It's going to be okay, Justin. Whatever happens, it's going to be okay and we're going to deal with it together. I promise!” Brian told him, watching the emotions on Justin's face which went from being scared to outright fear and in the end settled on a hopelessness that Brian hated seeing there.

“You're going to make it through this, Justin! You are so strong and...this isn't going to change that! You're going to be alright,” Brian whispered as he pulled Justin close and hugged him tight, feeling relieved when he felt Justin hug back, at least showing some sort of reaction to anything Brian had said.

“Thank you,” the blond whispered, before he followed Melanie and sat down in the place she pointed at at her side. Brian settled on the bench behind them, throwing another glance at Michael, who was still in a discussion with his lawyer. Brian wondered what that was all about, but in the end decided that he didn't care enough to waste more time on whatever was going on there..

A few seconds after he had turned his eyes away from them, the judge entered the room and Brian felt a queasy feeling take hold of his stomach, knowing that this was it. He prayed to all the deities he could think of, praying for a good outcome.

The judge started speaking in a quiet voice, telling them all why they were there, giving a short overview of the charges against Justin before he checked that everyone who was needed to be there was indeed there, nodding in satisfaction when he could confirm that.

He turned towards Michael's lawyer with a frown as he saw the man clearing his throat before he started to speak to the assembled people.

“Your honour, it looks like we'll have to go back on the charge of assault,” he said, making everyone in the room frown in confusion.

“And why would that be so?” The judge asked, clearly impatient, obviously having expected to get this trial done in a couple of minutes. The evidence was clear, there were several witnesses who had seen the assault and police had found the drugs.

“My client, the accuser in this case, and the other witnesses have taken back their testimonies and refuse to say anything more about the alleged assault. As they were the only witnesses and the victim has by now passed away, there is no way to keep up the charge and I ask the court to withdraw the assault charge,” he calmly exclaimed.

Brian couldn't help himself and he just gasped at what he was hearing. He looked over at Michael in astonishment who just looked ahead, not looking back at Brian. Brian had expected a lot of things, but never in a million years had he expected Michael to go back on the charges. The other witnesses like Debbie yes, after all Michael had told him that she thought it best to let everything rest now that Justin was doing better, but Michael. No way. Michael had told him as much just two days ago, but apparently he had changed his mind. Brian just looked at his friend in utter shock and surprise, not even noticing that Justin was wearing the same expression as his eyes went from Michael to Brian and back.

“In fact my client has written a letter of character reference about the accused's character, begging your honour to take it into consideration as you come to your decision,” the lawyer went on as he held up a written document and moved over to the bench, handing it to the judge who had beckoned him forward to give him the document.

Brian couldn't help but gasp once more as he saw the written document and this time Michael apparently heard him and turned around, looking at him from sad eyes, yet his face wore a small smile. Brian suddenly understood what the discussion between Michael and his lawyer had been about. Michael had done a 180° turn and had completely destroyed the lawyer's case since the assault charge had been the one that had the most likely chance of getting Justin a prison term. Of course the lawyer would be unhappy about that and Brian still had a hard time wrapping his head around what Michael had done, yet he hoped that Michael had seen the gratitude on his face before he turned around once more.

The judge took everything into consideration before he nodded, looking at both lawyers. “The assault charge will be withdrawn and we'll only litigate about the charges of DUI and drug possession.”

He then turned to Melanie, a question in his eyes. “I assume you won't have any objections about that?”

“No, your honour. We agree with the prosecution to withdraw the assault charge.”

The judge nodded, before he continued with his normal proceedings. “How does the accused plead to the DUI and drug possession charges?”

“Guilty, your honour,” Melanie said. She had talked to Brian and Justin in recent days and had told them that pleading guilty and admitting Justin's guilt was the only thing they could do. Justin had been caught driving under the influence of several drugs and he had been caught with drugs in his possession. The results of the blood test done at the police station left no doubt and pleading not guilty would have been ridiculous in light of the evidence presented against Justin, which both Brian and Justin had to agree with. There was no way out of those charges, no matter how they tried to spin it.

The judge and lawyers went over the evidence in the following minutes, before the judge turned to Melanie once more.

“Is there anything the accused wants to say in his defense?”

“We would like your honour to know that my client has turned his life around in recent months. He has been through a drug withdrawal and has been clean for more than two months now. He has left his old social environment and has returned to a better environment. He has a permanent address and is working on turning his life around. He has a good social prognosis and we would like your honour to kindly take that into your consideration when you come to a decision, as well as these letters of character reference that have been written in favour of my client,” she said before she was beckoned towards the judge's bench and handed over the letters to him. When she arrived back in her place at Justin's side, the judge turned towards them with a frown.

“Why wasn't I informed that the accused has been to rehab and has completed it?”

“My client hasn't been to a rehab facility, your honour. He has detoxed at a private home with the help of a friend, however the result is the same. He hasn't taken any drugs in more than two months and is trying to rebuild his life.”

The judge nodded before he looked at everyone in the room. “Very well, very well. I will now retreat and will take a look at everything I've been presented with before I'll announce the court's decision tomorrow morning at 9. Have a good day,” he finished before taking the file of the case and leaving the room.

Melanie immediately turned to Justin who still looked beyond shocked at everything that had happened, going over what had just taken place with him. Brian watched them and knew that they would still be some minutes. He slowly got up from his seat, still having a hard time wrapping his head around everything he had just watched, not quite sure what to make of it. When he saw Michael say goodbye to his lawyer and saw him on his way out to leave the room, Brian went after him, calling out for him.

“Michael!”

Michael stopped and turned around to look at Brian. “Brian.”

“Why did you do that?” Brian asked, trying to put his confusion into words as he looked at Michael intently.

“I guess you're right. This was doing more harm than good and...everyone deserves a second chance, right?” Michael answered calmly.

Brian looked at him and could only nod dumbly before he just couldn't help himself and went over and hugged his friend tightly. “Thank you! Thank you so much!” He whispered over and over again as he felt Michael's arms go around his own body as well.

“I am sorry I couldn't do more to help, Brian, but the DUI and drug possession were out of my control,” Michael whispered and Brian was surprised to hear the coldness in his voice gone and to hear real sadness in it.

“I know,” Brian replied, pulling his friend closer. “But thank you so much for doing this! God...thank you!” Brian could only repeat, not knowing what else there was to say.

After several more seconds Michael pulled back slightly and looked at Brian, a small smile on his face. “I should go now,” he said and clapped Brian's back before he turned around and left, making Brian look after him in astonishment and also relief. Maybe there was still a chance for Justin and Michael to work this out and become friends again one day. He knew that there was still a long way ahead and it would be far into the future, but he had a feeling that an important step in the right direction had been taken that day and he couldn't help but feel grateful for it.

He waited a couple more minutes until Justin and Melanie were done talking and then walked over to Justin's side. He saw that there was still a look of shock and slight confusion on Justin's face and couldn't help but smile at that as Melanie bade them goodbye and left them alone.

“Are you okay, Justin?” Brian asked in a concerned voice, the smile still in place though, which made for quite a comical mixture of emotions.

“Yeah,” Justin breathed out as he looked up at Brian. “How did you get him to do that?”

“I didn't,” Brian just said, confusing Justin even more.

“But...why...why did he do that?”

“I told you that he was your friend and...it was about time that he remembered it,” Brian replied before leading Justin out of the building. “Let's get out of here, okay?”

Justin nodded, though it was still obvious to Brian that he was thinking about what Michael had done.

“Don't wrack your brains about it, Justin. He's half Italian, half drag queen. We're not supposed to understand his behaviour,” Brian joked and he was glad when he got a smile from Justin in return.

The rest of the day was spent at Brian's house in silence, because Justin was still very nervous about the judge's decision, Michael's help or not, and he chose to retreat to his room once they arrived back home, only coming down for dinner which was eaten in near complete silence if it hadn't been for Brian's attempts to keep a conversation going. In the end Brian just stopped trying, knowing that there was probably too much going through Justin's head and understanding about his nervousness. He felt just as nervous himself and allowed Justin his silence and just hoped that it would be over tomorrow. He hoped that thanks to Michael's help all this would have a good ending after all.

Unlike Justin, Brian felt slightly more optimistic after that day's events and he just hoped that the judge would take Michael's help as a sign that Justin deserved a second chance. After all it was pretty telling if the one who had pressed the charges suddenly wrote a letter of character reference for the accused. That had to impress the judge, right?

So when he got up the next morning, he felt more optimistic than he had done in recent days ever since Michael had called and had informed him of the arrest warrant. He wasn't surprised however that the same couldn't be said for Justin, who looked as if he had had a nearly sleepless night. He looked beyond exhausted and was very pale, refusing breakfast which worried Brian greatly, even though he knew that if he had been in Justin's shoes, he probably wouldn't have been able to eat anything either.

They made their way back to the courthouse and went into the same room as the day before, settling in their places. Brian squeezed Justin's shoulder in support and comfort, but stopped when he saw the door to the room open and saw Michael enter. He let go off Justin's shoulder, who seemed to be so deep in thought that he apparently hadn't noticed anyway and watched open-mouthed as his friend came into the room.

Brian hadn't expected Michael to show up. After all he had done his part the day before and why would he come in to hear the sentence? But apparently he cared or was just curious and he looked over at Brian insecurely, obviously not sure if Brian wanted him to be there or not and Brian could see the relief on Michael's face as he nodded at him and pointed to the place next to him, urging him to sit down there. He was glad for Michael being there and didn't care about what had happened before. All he cared about was the sentencing ahead of them and for his part he was glad to see his best friend there.

Michael sat down next to Brian and Brian took his hand, squeezing slightly, trying to make him see that everything was okay between them and that there were no hard feelings. Michael smiled at Brian gratefully before he spoke.

“Are you okay?”

Brian nodded and was about to say more when the judge entered the room and effectively silenced him. He turned away from Michael and towards the judge, but smiled slightly when he felt Michael hold his hand in support.

Michael might not care about Justin as much as Brian cared, but Brian was touched that his friend cared enough about him to still show up and support them and that he forgot about his personal feelings towards Justin and just tried to be a friend for Brian.

The judge sat down in his place and looked at everyone in the room before he started speaking. “We have gathered here today for the sentencing in the case against Mr. Taylor and I can inform both parties that I have come to a decision.”

He opened his file and looked at the topmost piece of paper as he continued. “I find the accused guilty of the charges against him,” he started which so far wasn't really surprising to anyone. Justin had pleaded guilty, the evidence was watertight and this had been expected. Everyone just waited for the sentence, wanting to know how harsh it would be.

“I hereby sentence you to 9 months under arrest. In light of your recent drug withdrawal, however, the sentence will be suspended and you will be released on probation,” the judge declared, making everyone gasp at first at the nine months and then immediately sigh in relief when he declared that the sentence was suspended and Justin wouldn't have to go to prison.

Brian felt relief flood through him and he wasn't surprised to see Justin's hands fly to his mouth as he started shaking, obviously crying in relief. Brian wanted nothing more than to take him in his arms, but he knew that he couldn't as the judge was still talking.

“I further sentence you to 300 hours of community service and you will have to enrol in an outpatient rehab programme to help you stay on track,” the judge ended before he looked at Justin's crying form, a stern look in his eyes.

“Make no mistake, Mr. Taylor. Next time I see you in my court, you will go to prison! This is your very last chance and I hope that you will realise that. I was inclined to send you to prison for your repeated drug offences, but I took into consideration that you seem to have gone through a drug withdrawal and are intent to stay clean. It looks like you might have pulled yourself together and therefore I ordered the enrolment in an outpatient rehab programme to help you stay on track.”

All Justin could do was nod at the judge as he watched him close the file and slowly get up, addressing him once more in a stern, yet warm voice.

“And you should thank your friends, Mr. Taylor. Especially Mr. Kinney and Mr. Novotny seem to think very highly of you and their passionate portrayals and defence of your character made me go against my better judgement and made me decide to grant you one last chance. Don't disappoint them!” He said before he left the room, leaving a crying Justin and a very surprised Brian behind.

Brian knew what he had written in favour of Justin's character, but to hear that Michael had apparently written something just as passionate in defence of Justin's character surprised him greatly and he couldn't help but look at his friend in awe. “Michael?”

There was a gentle smile on Michael's face as well as a slight blush. “Well...that went okay, right?”

Brian nodded dumbly before Michael nodded in Justin's direction who was still sitting in his place, looking pretty dumbfounded. “Go to him.”

Brian nodded once more before he got up and made his way over to Justin's side, engulfing the crying man in a tight hug.

“I told you it would be okay!”

Justin sobbed hard and his crying only got harder as he hid his head in Brian's shirt, the whole emotional stress of the last days finally falling from him and leaving his exhausted body. Brian could only imagine what thoughts must have gone through Justin's head and how panicked he must have been and he just decided to give him the time that he needed, allowing him this release.

“It's okay...everything's over. Everything's over,” Brian repeated over and over, holding the crying man close who just nodded into his shoulder.

“Thank you,” Justin managed to whisper after several minutes, still holding onto Brian as if he was a lifeline, as he fought to get some control over his emotions.

It took him several minutes, minutes in which Brian just held onto him tightly before Justin pulled back slightly and looked at Brian from glassy eyes. “Thank you for everything!”

“You're welcome, Justin. More than welcome!” Brian told him, smiling at him gently before he let go of Justin and allowed him to wipe away his tears.

As Justin looked back up, his eyes widened as he saw Michael standing a few feet away from them, who was looking over with a warm expression on his face. It almost seemed as if Justin only noticed Michael's presence then and he looked slightly insecure as he moved away from Brian and slowly made his way over to where Michael stood. Brian followed close behind.

Justin looked at Michael from his tear-covered face, not quite sure what to say to him, in the end settling on the most important thing.

“Thank you, Michael...I...I can never thank you enough,” he whispered and he was genuinely surprised when he heard Michael's response which was spoken in a voice totally void of the familiar coldness and filled with a certain warmth and kindness as he looked at Justin from sad eyes.

“Don't make me regret doing this.”

Justin shook his head slowly, new tears coming. “I won't...”

“Okay,” Michael just gave back before he looked at both Brian and Justin. “I guess I'll see you around.” He then turned around and left, leaving Justin and Brian to look after him, still trying to process everything that had happened.

Chapter 19

In the days after the trial things started to calm down once more and Brian was glad to see Justin return more to his post-detox self. He was talking more again and also started spending more time outside his room with Brian once more, which was a great relief to Brian who had been worried about Justin's behaviour in recent days.

Justin had been assigned a probation officer and had met with him for the first time about a week after the trial. He had been informed about where he would have to do his community service and had also been given the name of an outpatient rehab programme that he would have to attend.

It had been decided that Justin would meet with the rehab programme first and they would then decide if he was already up for doing his community service or if he would only have to do it at a later time, focusing on his rehab for now.

Justin hadn't really liked the idea of having to go to an outpatient rehab programme. He felt like he had been doing just fine on his own and with Brian's and his friends' help, but since it was part of the sentence, he didn't have much choice and went without complaining. And who knew? Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad thing after all to get some professional help.

After his first meeting with his advisor at the rehab programme, it had been decided that Justin would take part in a support group for former drug users once a week as well as meeting with a psychologist once a week to check on how he was doing and after three weeks of doing so, he had been deemed ready to start his community service which he had to do in an Aids hospice.

About a month after he had been sentenced, Justin had started doing his community service and had quite surprisingly found that he liked it. He liked having a reason to get up and liked having something to do and was also quite glad about the work because it kept him occupied and busy, making him stop thinking too much about things he shouldn't think about at all. He also liked working at the hospice, enjoyed spending time with the patients, listening to their stories and brightening their day by just giving them some of his time and Brian was glad to see that Justin had improved even more ever since he had started both the community service as well as the outpatient rehab programme.

He was laughing more and seemed less tense and it did Brian good to see Justin further improving. His probation officer had been quite happy with his progress and it looked as if Justin had really left his dark past behind him once and for all, which was a relief to both his family and his friends with whom Justin had tried to rebuild relationships in recent months.

Seeing him get better and improve and seeing that he was serious about turning his life around and was willing to make this last chance that he had been given work, had made patching things up with old friends and his family easier, because they could see that Justin had really changed and was willing to make this work and Brian was glad when most people offered Justin their support over time, allowing him a second chance and letting him back into their lives.

Even Michael had given Justin that chance and Brian had been beyond happy to see them trying to patch up things and rebuild a new friendship. He still had a feeling that Justin could do with support from his friends and family and he was glad that he was getting it and that people were acknowledging the hard work he had done in recent months.

And Brian had decided that that hard work was worth getting celebrated and had therefore prepared (which in his case meant ordered) a surprise dinner for Justin for when he came home from his session with his psychologist.

Brian looked at the set table, looked at the food that was in the oven to stay warm and wondered if Justin even knew what day it was and if he was even aware of how special it was. He would soon find out.

When Justin arrived back home, he was beyond surprised to see the set table and to see that Brian had already prepared dinner and what appeared to be a special dinner at that. He frowned at Brian who was smiling rather sheepishly, not able to keep a smile off his face himself. “Brian?”

“Surprise!” Brian just announced, waving his arms like a circus director, pointing at the set table and the food.

“What's the occasion?” Justin laughed at Brian's antics as he took everything in.

'So he doesn't know' Brian smiled to himself, leading Justin over to the table and sitting down with him. “You're going to find out.”

“Okay,” Justin muttered, realising that Brian wouldn't say anything more for now. They enjoyed their dinner, talking about how their day had been and what they had both done.

Brian then got up and returned a minute later. Justin looked at him in confusion when he carried a small wrapped something in his hand, smiling brightly.

“It's not my birthday, is it?” Justin joked, knowing full well that that was still months away. “And you don't celebrate them anyway.”

“Nope...,” Brian agreed, sitting down in his place again.

“But you have a present for me...,” Justin stated slowly, looking at Brian for confirmation, who only nodded.

“Why?”

“I don't celebrate birthdays, but I celebrate achievements and today is the anniversary of a very special achievement. Do you know what day is today?” Brian asked as his voice turned quite emotional.

Justin pondered Brian's question for a bit, thinking about it. He knew that it was Wednesday, but he was pretty sure that Brian didn't want to know that and hadn't organised all this to celebrate it being Wednesday, so in the end he shook his head unknowingly.

“Six months ago you came here and started detoxing here, so...you've been without drugs for six months now and I thought that deserved some kind of celebration,” Brian said emotionally, making Justin's eyes widen and look back at him quite dumbfounded.

“Six months?” Justin muttered in obvious surprise and Brian nodded, his smile growing wider.

“Here, unwrap this. I thought you might want to have these back.”

He handed Justin the wrapped present who looked from it to Brian and back.

“What is it?”

“Unwrap it,” Brian repeated, watching as Justin did as he was told.

He gasped when he recognised the wooden box and the envelope underneath it. “Where....where did you get this?” He asked and Brian wasn't surprised to hear the tears in his voice.

“Debbie gave it to me months ago because she thought that it might mean more to me than to her and...I think with you having been clean for six months now...it's time you got these back,” he explained and watched as Justin slowly opened the wooden box and looked at the sketches inside it, slowly picking them up, first one, then another and another and looking at them closely from teary eyes before opening the envelope and looking at the pictures inside.

“I know it's not really a present since these belong to you anyway, but...I thought you might want to have them back now,” Brian went on, happy that his surprise had obviously worked, judging by how touched Justin seemed to be.

“Thank you, Brian,” he whispered, still looking at the items he had just unwrapped in awe.

“You're welcome! I guess...I guess these must have been important to you if you gave them to Debbie to hide them.”

Justin nodded slowly before he looked up at Brian, a small tear making its way down his cheek. “Reminders of a better time.”

“You sold other reminders,” Brian pointed out quietly.

“I...I couldn't sell these,” Justin said looking at the pictures and then at the sketches. “God knows enough horny fags would have probably wanted the sketches, but I...I couldn't do that to you and...I didn't want to...It was the best time of my life and...I wanted to hold onto that...I wanted to keep something to remind me of that good time and...if I had sold any of this...I wouldn't have had anything left of that time.”

Brian could understand that sentiment and he wasn't blind to the longing in Justin's voice when he had mentioned it being the best time of his life. Brian wordlessly went over and took him in his arms, holding him tight. “You have a chance of getting it back now,” he whispered.

Justin had by now started crying harder and sniffed in Brian's arms. “Not all of it.”

Brian knew that Justin was referring to them, was referring to a possible relationship and he didn't quite know what made him say it, but as he said it, he knew that it was the truth anyway. “You never know. Maybe there is still a chance to get it all back.”

Justin pulled back from Brian with a start and looked at his face, searching it for clues of the truth of his statement. Apparently he must have seen something in Brian's eyes or on his face because next thing he did, he pressed his lips against Brian's, kissing him, begging for entrance. When it wasn't granted, he looked back at Brian's face in confusion before his own face fell as he saw the look of sorrow on the older man's face.

Thinking that he had misunderstood Brian's words and his look or had seen something that hadn't even been there to begin with, Justin pulled back hastily and ran for the door, Brian looking after him in shock.

“Justin! Wait!” He called after the running man, but Justin made no move to do so and just opened the front door of the house and continued running.

When Brian heard the door, he shook his head as if to clear it, processing what had just happened in his kitchen, knowing that it was all one big misunderstanding and that he needed to make Justin understand. He had gotten it so wrong, Brian just knew it.

Running after him, Brian cursed when he saw that Justin had already left the house. Following him outside, Brian ran to the end of his drive, looking up and down the street that was covered by darkness, not able to see any sign of the younger man.

“Justin!” He cried, but wasn't surprised when he didn't get much of a reaction except for a neighbour's dog starting to bark.

“Shit, shit, shit!” He cursed as he made his way back inside, hoping that Justin had just run off to cool off and would be back soon so Brian could explain his behaviour which must have been confusing to the younger man.

***

Brian waited for six hours for Justin to return, but there was no sign of him. It was well past midnight and Brian was slowly starting to get worried. He had tried calling all their friends, had tried calling Debbie, but no one had seen or heard from Justin all day.

It was obvious that Justin hadn't run to one of his friends and even though Brian knew that Justin was old enough to spend a night on his own, had probably done so many times before in worse parts of town, he felt a bad feeling creep up on him and felt shivers run down his spine again and again. In the end he couldn't take the waiting any longer, so he left his house and started to look for Justin. He had no idea where he should even start looking for him, but he knew that he had to do something and couldn't just sit back and wait.

As he drove around town, keeping an eye out for Justin, it started raining and Brian cursed even more, hoping that Justin wasn't outside somewhere, but had found cover from the rain.

After two hours of looking for Justin, Brian felt desperate and drove back home, hoping that Justin had returned by now, which he hadn't. Instead Brian found Michael there, who looked beyond worried.

“Have you found him?” He asked as he looked at Brian who just shook his head.

“I have no idea where he could be...,” Brian whispered, after he had told Michael what had happened and what had made Justin run away.

“Do you...do you think he could have gone back?” Michael asked in obvious worry, looking at Brian intently.

“Why would he?” Brian asked, before he realised what Michael had implied. For years Justin had looked for solace in drugs when he couldn't cope with reality and Brian remembered well how Justin had told him once that he had only felt good and alive when he had been taking drugs and he felt his intestines grow cold as a new fear grabbed him. “Oh god...please not...please not...”

Justin had obviously been hurt by Brian's behaviour and normally he dealt with hurt by talking to friends, seeking solace there, but it was obvious that he hadn't done so this time and taking drugs had been the only other way of comfort Justin had known in recent years and Brian hoped that he hadn't driven him back to that with his stupid behaviour.

He jumped up from the couch, making Michael look after him in confusion. “Where are you going?”

“Looking for him,” Brian just muttered like a man possessed and Michael looked after him fearfully.

“You think...you think he went back to Larimer?”

“I don't know, but...I have to check. I am running out of places to look for him,” Brian said agitatedly, looking at Michael in anger when he grabbed his arm. “Don't stop me, Michael! I have to look for him!”

“Wasn't going to...but I am going to come along,” the shortner man replied calmly, following Brian out of the door who didn't even seem to want to fight him on that, but just wanted to get going. Ever since Michael had brought it up, he just knew that Justin was there. He just knew it. He didn't know how, but his gut feeling told him so.

Less than 20 minutes later they arrived at their destination, parking the car and slowly walking the streets, looking for Justin. Brian checked several bars where he had seen Justin before, knowing that they would be open all night, but couldn't see him anywhere and after looking for him for more than an hour in the pouring rain, he had to admit to Michael that this was useless. If Justin didn't want to be found, they wouldn't find him. He knew this part of town way better than they did, knew people there and Brian just knew that there was nothing that they could do.

They walked back to the car and were on their way back to Brian's place when they passed a cemetery and Brian suddenly stopped the car. He checked the name on the gate that marked the entrance to the graveyard and suddenly knew where he would find Justin.

“Brian?” Michael asked in confusion as Brian stopped the car and turned it off, obviously ready to get out there.

“I think I know where he is,” Brian said, looking at Michael darkly. “Wait here. Just have to check something.”

Michael was about to protest, but knew from the look on Brian's face that it was futile, so he kept his mouth shut and just nodded, wondering what Brian might have realised upon passing this cemetery.

Brian got out and entered the cemetery, walking the rows of graves, looking for Justin. He didn't quite know how Justin might have found out that Danny was buried here, seeing how he had said to Brian that he didn't want to know and wanted to close that chapter of his life once and for all, but he figured that if Justin had come back to Larimer, he could have found out quite quickly. People in this part of town probably knew and could have told him. Why Justin would have come here, he didn't know however, yet he was absolutely sure that he would find him here.

After several minutes of walking the cemetery, drenched to the bone by the rain that was still falling, Brian finally saw what he had been looking for and sighed in relief when he saw Justin's form kneeling in front of a grave.

As he came closer, he could see that Justin was shaking, most likely from crying and he wordlessly knelt down beside him, taking his hand.

“You worried me,” he whispered, looking at Justin's face, where droplets of rain were running down his face from his wet hair. He knew that there were also tears mixed with the rain.

“Leave me alone,” Justin said, without looking at Brian, but looking at something else and when Brian followed his gaze, his heart sank and he could hardly stop himself from gasping out loud. In front of Justin lay a small transparent bag filled with white powder and he knew without a doubt that it was cocaine. As far as he could see the bag hadn't been opened yet, which made him relax quite a bit. He also knew that screaming and crying wouldn't help and that he needed to stay calm if he wanted to get through to Justin.

“Why did you come here?”

“Why do you care?” Justin angrily asked back, turning his head to Brian and glaring at him. “Fuck off!”

“No...I will not,” Brian replied quietly, looking at Justin intently. “I love you too much to leave you alone now.”

Brian seemed as shocked as Justin did at the words that had just left his mouth. But the more he considered what he had said, the more he knew that it had been the truth.

“Love my ass...,” Justin spat, turning his attention back to Danny's grave. “You don't love me...just like he never loved me...no one loves me...”

“I love you, Justin!” Brian said sincerely.

“Why are you lying to me? Do you think I am stupid enough to not realise what a refused kiss means?” Justin angrily retorted, not even looking at Brian. “And don't worry, I remember your mantra about no relationships and no love. They make your dick soft, don't they?”

“Look at me,” Brian said, repeating his plea when Justin didn't move. “Please! Look at me!”

When Justin slowly turned his pain filled eyes on Brian, Brian repeated his earlier sentiment, hoping that Justin would see the truth in his eyes.

“I love you, Justin! More than anything!”

Justin gasped and Brian knew that he had seen the truth in his eyes. “But...you...you...”

“I didn't kiss you back?” Brian provided, making Justin nod. “I don't do love and relationships?” Justin only nodded again.

He smiled gently as he wiped a wet strand of hair out of Justin's face. “You were always hot-headed. If you had just let me explain there,” he sighed. “I love you and I mean it, but...this is too soon, Justin. You're not ready for a relationship now and... I have no experience at one either... we're two idiots who are both not ready for a commitment like that. That's why I didn't kiss you back earlier in the kitchen.”

“But...but...”

“I know you want this and...believe me, it makes me happier than I've been in a long time, but...you still need some more time, Justin. You are trying to get your life back on track and there are still issues that need to be addressed and need to be worked through and...jumping into a relationship now...it can only end badly and...I don't want it to. I want us to make this work, Justin! And more than anything that's the reason why we can't start anything now. You need to get your life back first and...I need to figure some shit out as well and when you and I have done that...then we can start thinking about us,” Brian explained as he gently caressed Justin's cheek, Justin leaning into the touch.

“I need you now,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian from pained and sad eyes. “I...I need you.”

“I know,” Brian whispered back. “And you have me. But for now I can help you better by being a friend than by being a lover, Justin. If you want to...we can think about us once you're back to your old self and have gotten your life back, but for now...there's still so much going on in your life and...it's best if we just stay friends for that...But I promise you, I will give you all the time that you need and I will use that time to... figure out some shit myself. I won't give up on you, Justin and I won't give up on us,” Brian promised, making Justin sob.

“I love you! And I will wait till we're ready for this,” Brian whispered, pulling Justin close when he nodded, kissing him gently on his forehead.

“I love you,” Justin cried, resting his head against Brian's chest, feeling his arms go around him.

“I know,” Brian smiled, gently stroking Justin's back, trying to comfort him. “We'll make it work. I just know it.”

They stayed like that for several minutes, neither of them caring about the rain, being drenched to the bones anyway, before Justin pulled back and looked at Brian in embarrassment.

“I am sorry...I...I didn't mean to run away like a scared child.”

“Shhhh, it's okay...nothing happened,” Brian looked at the small bag with the cocaine. “Right?”

Justin's eyes followed Brian's and landed on the bag as well and he hung his head in shame.

“No...I didn't take it...I couldn't...I wanted to so badly...I...I was so hurt and...I thought...I thought it was the only thing that could make me feel better, but...I couldn't take it.”

Brian felt relieved and looked at the small bag in disgust. “Good.”

“I couldn't because of you,” Justin whispered, looking up at Brian.

“Me?” Brian frowned.

“I...I knew you'd be so disappointed and...I didn't want to disappoint you...I...I couldn't disappoint you. Not after all you've done for me...”

“Come here,” Brian held out his arms to Justin and took him in them once more, knowing that they would have to talk about what had happened that night once more. He knew that they would have to talk about Justin's coping mechanisms and would have to talk about the fact that he even went back and bought that bag of cocaine, but he also knew that that wouldn't be tonight. Tonight he was just relieved to have found Justin and to know that he was okay. They would talk about it again, but another time.

A couple of minutes later, Michael sighed in relief when he saw not only Brian, but also Justin coming his way, already having gotten worried when Brian had stayed away for so long. He saw Brian shaking his head slightly and got the hint that this wasn't the time to get at Justin for having run off and he agreed, looking at the small man sadly who seemed extremely shocked to see him waiting in the car.

“Everything okay?” He just asked instead and was glad when he saw both Brian and Justin nod and saw Justin coming over to his side of the car, looking at him from tired eyes.

“I am sorry,” he just said and Michael knew from the look on his face that he really was.

“It's okay. As long as you're okay.”

“I am,” Justin whispered, a small smile appearing on his face as he looked at Brian. “I am.”

Chapter 20

The next couple of days were spent talking a lot about what had happened that night when Justin had run off. Brian could see that Justin was embarrassed by his own behaviour and felt bad for it, but he didn't feel much like making things easy on Justin this time. Justin needed to learn that there were consequences for his actions and Brian pointed out what could have happened if Justin had been caught with the cocaine. Justin could be in prison now if he had run into police that night. He knew that Justin hadn't thought about that at the time, that much had been apparent, but he needed the younger man to understand that he couldn't behave like that anymore.

Brian tried to make him see that he needed to find other ways to cope with disappointment and hurt feelings, while at the same time also trying to make him see that the behaviour from that night only confirmed Brian's belief that Justin wasn't ready for a relationship of any kind yet.

“I can't be worried about you running off and doing drugs somewhere every time we might have a fight. I need to be able to trust you...I need to know that you can cope in different ways before we can take this any further,” he had explained to Justin who had just looked very serious and had nodded. Brian knew that Justin knew all that himself, but he needed him to understand that Brian also had concerns and needed to watch out for himself as well.

They also talked about the relationship between them and how they would go on now. Justin knew that Brian was right and that friendship was all he was really ready for at this point in his life. He had proven that with his behaviour that night. Not wanting to make things harder on Brian, who apparently also loved him, Justin offered to move out, offered to move into his old room at Debbie's place or somewhere else and Brian had just looked at him in utter shock.

“What?”

“I...I don't want to make this harder on you than...than it needs to be,” Justin told him, looking at Brian seriously. “I...I don't want things to get uncomfortable.”

Brian had just laughed out loud at that, making Justin frown. “Okay...have things been uncomfortable these last weeks?”

“No, but...,” Justin started, but was stopped by Brian's raised hand.

“Do you really think I only realised that I love you that night? I've known for a long time, Justin and...things haven't been uncomfortable so far, have they? Why should they get uncomfortable now?”

“Well...now I know,” Justin said, frowning when Brian took his hand.

“Hey, for now we're friends and as my friend, you're welcome to stay here for as long as you want. I like having you around here, Justin. You make this house home and...I don't want you to move out, but...if things are too uncomfortable for you, I won't stop you. I want you to feel okay and I don't want you to feel uncomfortable here,” Brian then looked at him, already seeing the answer in Justin's face.

“I don't.”

“Then I am sure we'll find a way to get on without things getting uncomfortable or complicated,” Brian promised and so Justin had stayed.

It had taken Brian another week to work up his nerve to address an issue that had been on his mind for quite some time already. He knew that bringing it up would be painful for Justin and Brian wondered if the younger man had already thought about it himself and had just been too scared to bring it up or if it seriously hadn't crossed his mind yet, but Brian knew that no matter how much he dreaded having that conversation with Justin, they needed to have it.

So he had sat him down one night, looking at him seriously.

“Woah, what's with the serious face?” Justin had chuckled, the chuckle immediately dying in his throat when he saw that Brian only turned more serious instead of joining in. “Okay, you're scaring me,” he muttered.

“We need to talk Justin and...I am not sure I want to have this conversation, but we need to have it. There's no way around it,” Brian started, only scaring Justin more.

“Okay, you've got me officially freaked now,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian for any signs of what this could be about.

“I want you to get tested for HIV,” Brian got out in one rush, knowing that he wouldn't have managed to say what he had to say any other way.

“Wh-what?” Justin stared at him in shock before his face fell and Brian realised that he obviously hadn't thought about it himself so far.

“You...you've been injecting drugs with needles and...what if one of those was dirty? And...you said...you said that you worked the streets for Danny, sleeping with people you didn't know...you could have gotten infected and...I want you to get tested, Justin,” Brian explained, forcing his voice to stay calm and gentle.

He wasn't surprised to see Justin burst into tears at his words and he wordlessly took the crying man into his arms. “This won't change anything between us, Justin. I love you and no matter what the result, I will still love you then, but...we should know...we should know if there's something we have to watch out for.”

Brian could feel Justin shake his head in his arms and he felt his heart break for the man in his arms, because it was obvious that he hadn't given this any thought so far, but Brian just knew that it was important to confirm that Justin was healthy and that there would be no danger for them.

“I just want us to be on the safe side if...when,” Brian quickly amended, “when we're ready and we decide to get sex involved again.”

Justin was inconsolable for almost an hour in Brian's arms and Brian didn't know what to do but promise him that he would be there and would love him no matter what and that they would work it out even if the test came back positive. He knew they would, they just would have to take extra care then and would have to pay attention to certain things. Brian had already read up on it and knew that Michael and Ben were making it work as well, but he wanted to know for both their sakes.

Brian had known that Justin would be scared and would find it hard to cope with the realisation that he might have a life-long reminder of his time as a drug addict in his body and it had taken him two days before he had brought it up again, urging Justin to please get tested.

In the end the blond had agreed to a test, knowing that Brian was right, no matter how much he didn't want him to be, knowing that it was his own fault if the test would come back positive and that realisation hurt and was beyond painful. He had treated his life with so little consideration and care and now he might be paying the price for it.

Brian went with him as a blood sample was taken, was by his side the whole time and Justin was glad for it. He was so scared, he just knew that he wouldn't be able to do this on his own, knowing that he needed someone by his side who supported him no matter what.

They had a counselling interview with the doctor before the blood sample was taken where he explained all about the test and also about HIV, trying to inform them as well as he could, trying to quell Justin's fears as well as he could, trying to calm down the obviously upset man in his office.

The five days waiting for the result were easily the worst days of Justin's life, with the exception of the first days of his drug withdrawal - nothing would ever come close to that pain - but still Justin had never felt so bad in his life before. No matter what Brian tried to do to distract him, nothing worked. No matter how many friends came over and tried to distract him, nothing was able to keep his mind from his thoughts wandering back to the test.

When they sat in the doctor's office, waiting for him to give them the result of the test, Justin felt as if he was about to faint from the nervousness, feeling worse than he had done in a long time. Not even Brian holding on to his hand and stroking it in comfort was able to distract him from feeling that bad.

Justin was hardly able to keep focused and keep his mind in the office, thoughts of him dying a painful death spooking through his head again and again, making him shudder. He tried to listen to all the doctor was saying, but knew that he was too nervous to follow, so instead he just focused his gaze on Brian's face and watched for any signs there. He knew that he would be able to see the results there. Even Brian wasn't that good an actor to try to hide emotions like that. Poker face or not.

When Brian's face visibly relaxed and Justin felt his hand being squeezed, he knew that the test had come back negative and he had never before felt so much relief in all his life and he sank down in his chair, hiding his face in his hands, crying in his relief and thanking god for having spared him. He couldn't believe his luck and it took him quite a while to accept that he wouldn't die a painful death, at least not one caused by HIV or Aids and he smiled weakly when Brian asked him if he was okay.

“Yeah...just...relieved...,” he pressed out as he wiped away his tears.

“I know. Me too,” Brian had replied, smiling at him with one of the widest smiles Justin had ever seen and right then he knew that no matter what happened in his life, he would be okay as long as Brian was by his side. Brian would keep him from falling and failing and Brian would support him no matter what, just like he had done all these last months. Brian had seen him at his worst and still loved him and Justin made a vow to never disappoint him again. Brian deserved the best and he would do all he could to be just that for the man at his side.

***

After getting the negative test result, Justin's mood had improved immensely and he had quickly returned to being his old, cheerful self, much to Brian's joy.

Seeing Justin do so much better and knowing that he was okay had made Brian return to his work as CEO of his company more and more, starting to stay in the office longer and longer and also starting to take business trips again himself instead of only delegating them to Cynthia.

In the beginning, when Justin had just been through his withdrawal, Brian hadn't wanted to leave him alone, hadn't wanted to go to work, still worrying too much about him, but seeing that he had improved so much and was doing better, Brian decided to start working normally and full time again and he had quickly found that he had actually missed working in his company.

He was now in his second week of being back at the office full-time and had invited Justin over to come and visit him at his new offices which the younger man had done earlier and somehow Brian couldn't help but worry. Justin had seemed strange, almost withdrawn when he had been at Kinnetik, reminding Brian a lot of the Justin from the first months after his withdrawal, but being completely different from the Justin of recent weeks ever since he had gotten the negative test result.

At the time Brian hadn't been able to give it much thought because he had been needed for an important presentation, but now on the drive home thinking back to it, he knew that he hadn't imagined it and that Justin had been incredibly quiet all day. 'Maybe he's just had a bad day' Brian thought to himself as he pulled into his drive, surprised to see all lights turned off in the house. Justin had left his office two hours ago, promising to get them some dinner ready and Brian had expected him to be there.

Brian frowned as he left his car and made his way to the door, opened it and entered the house.

“Justin? Are you here?”

When Brian didn't get a reply, he switched on the light and went into the kitchen, not really having expected to find Justin there. He then went and checked the living-room, surprised when he saw a dark form sitting on one of the deckchairs in his garden. He quietly opened the sliding door and made his way outside, not surprised to see that that form was Justin, who seemed far away in his thoughts as he looked over at the pool, but wasn't really looking at it, more like looking through it.

“Hey,” Brian started quietly, not wanting to startle the blond. “Is everything okay?”

Justin seemed to slowly come out of his trance-like condition and frowned at Brian.

“You're already back?”

He then took a look around and seemed genuinely surprised to see that it was already dark outside.

Brian knew that something was up and wrong and moved over to the second deckchair, sitting down on it. “Why are you sitting out here in the dark?”

“I was thinking,” Justin mumbled, but not explaining further.

“What about?”

“It's not important,” he sighed as he moved to get up from the chair.

“Looks important to me if it keeps you out here in the dark without you even noticing that it has gotten dark to begin with. I am not an expert, but...makes it sound important to me,” Brian said.

Justin looked at Brian for the longest time, apparently trying to come to a decision whether or not to tell him what was going on. In the end he breathed out deeply before he started speaking.

“I've...I've been thinking about my future, is all.”

Brian raised an eyebrow. “What about it?”

“What to do with it...what it has in store for me...that kind of thing,” Justin sighed and Brian could hear that it sounded weary.

“Why?” He just asked, wondering what had gotten Justin into this mood.

The blond just shrugged. “I guess visiting you in the office made me think.”

“Okay.”

It was obvious that Brian couldn't quite follow, so Justin explained some more.

“I...I have no idea what to do in my future and...how to earn money. I...I've been staying here for months now, living off your money and...not contributing at all and...I should, but...I have no idea how, because...all I've ever learned to do is how to wait tables and...I can't go back to that.”

“Hey, of course you can,” Brian started, but Justin interrupted him with a hollow laugh.

“Yeah, right. How, Brian? I've completely destroyed everyone's trust in me and no decent place would hire me and trust me to handle money and...I think I don't even want to go back,” he ended on a whisper, really surprising Brian with that last statement. Brian thought that Justin had genuinely enjoyed working at the diner before.

“Why not?”

“I am not sure I can stand the idea of having so many people around me at all times and depending on where I would go, somebody might know me and...the questions that I would ultimately get asked... I am not sure I can do it and really, waiting tables wasn't my goal for my life anyway, but...I guess I have to because there's nothing else I have learned,” he sighed, running his fingers through his by now longer hair.

“You don't have to, if you don't want to.”

“But I do. How else am I ever going to earn my own money and begin repaying you?”

Brian chuckled slightly, making Justin look up at him in annoyance.

“Hey...don't even go there. You don't have to repay me for anything! Seeing you do better is all I need in repayment, trust me and you can stay here for as long as you want to. I want you to! You don't have to pay rent or contribute. Just stay here for as long as you need or want to and don't pressure yourself. Don't you see? You have amazing opportunities here. You can start new, you know? You don't want to go back to waiting tables? Fine, fuck that. Who cares? You can do all you want now! You can go to college, you can learn something else. You can look inside yourself and decide what you want to do with your life and can then go in that direction. And don't worry about money or staying here. Like I said, I just want you to be okay, Justin and you can stay here for as long as you want to!”

“It makes me feel bad,” Justin whispered. “You have already done so much and...”

“Don't be ridiculous now,” Brian smiled. “And don't feel bad or I might have to feel bad as well for making you feel bad by being a good friend and that sounds kinda fucked up, doesn't it?” Brian asked and he was relieved when he heard Justin laugh slightly.

“Yeah, it does.”

“Well, I guess then you just aren't allowed to feel bad,” Brian said seriously before he got up and pulled Justin up from his deckchair as well. “No feeling bad while you stay here, okay?”

“Okay,” Justin nodded, though he still looked doubtful.

“Not perfect, but better,” Brian joked as he led Justin back inside and they started preparing some dinner for themselves.

It was two days later, when Brian had a quiet day at the office and had returned home in the early afternoon and was relaxing by the pool that Justin came up to him and sat down on the floor next to him, looking at him intently. “I...I think I know what I want to do.”

“You do?” Brian asked, sitting up and looking at Justin in expectancy. “What?”

“I want to help people...like you helped me...I...I want to help people who got pulled into this vicious circle of using drugs and can't get out on their own anymore and...I want to show them that it can be done...that it can work. I...I didn't have anyone to look at and see that it can work, but I had your help and...I think I want to help other people who are in my situation, but don't know how they can get out of it,” Justin said quietly, wringing his hands in his lap. “And... I think I'd like to do it by using my art in some way. I... I love creating. I love sketching and maybe there are ways to use art to help people. Like art therapy, you know?”

“I like that,” Brian replied, taking one of Justin's hands in his and making him look at him. “I really like that. It sounds nice.”

“You think?” Justin asked and it was obvious that he wanted Brian's honest opinion.

“Yes, I do. I think it's a great idea and I think you're right: I am sure it'll help people to see you do better, to have you by their side, showing them that it can really be done,” Brian answered sincerely.

“I just have no idea where to start or how to do that,” Justin sighed.

“I am sure that can be figured out,” Brian smiled, glad that Justin had apparently found something that he wanted to do and had made another important decision for his future, now that his community service was close to an end and he only had to do two more days of it.

Chapter 21

With Ben's and Lindsay's help, Justin got in contact with the people from PIFA, an art school in Pittsburgh that he had wanted to attend years before as well and Carnegie Mellon University. Together they all figured out a course plan that would allow Justin to study the art that he loved so much at PIFA and social work and counselling at Carnegie Mellon. Both universities offered their support to make his course plan work in case Justin made it through the applications and into both schools.

For the next couple of weeks Justin busily worked on his portfolio for PIFA and his applications to both schools. He was beyond excited when his mother and Debbie returned some of his old work to him that they had kept in his room at either houses from the time before he had sunk into his drug addiction. Those paintings and sketches were a great start to his portfolio and made his work a lot less stressful as he didn't have to produce as many paintings and sketches as he had feared he would have to by starting from scratch.

Once he was done with his portfolio and his applications had been sent and all Justin could do was sit around and wait, he had gotten in contact with a charity organisation that helped addicted teens on the streets of Pittsburgh. He had gotten the contact information from Ted, who had been dating a drug addict once, years ago and apparently had started donating to that organisation in a weird attempt of helping people he didn't know to make up for the fact that he hadn't been able to help the man he had loved at the time.

He was appointed to the outreach van and went out into the streets of Pittsburgh, looking for kids who needed help, trying to get their trust. Additionally, he took part in a support group for homeless kids that suffered from substance abuse problems which apparently was a real problem for many homeless kids as they turned to drugs or alcohol in their hopelessness, trying to cope with the fact that they were homeless.

Justin had never felt as fulfilled as he had in the weeks of working with the charity and on the outreach van. He had known right away that he wanted to work there once his studies were done if possible. He loved what they were doing and connected really well with the youths and trying to help them became his passion.

Brian had been amazed by how well Justin had adapted to working in this new environment after he had only been a pupil and waiter before and he had also been surprised by how much Justin seemed to love his work. Brian knew that if it had been him who had to see the sorrow and suffering of some of these kids, he would have broken down at the injustice of it all, but Justin didn't seem to have any thoughts like that. Most likely he had seen it all before when he had been in those parts of town as an addict himself and he just seemed glad to finally be able to help and do something worthwhile with his life.

After the first weeks of working with them, the charity had gladly accepted Justin's application and had immediately taken him on as a part-time staff member which would also allow him time for his studies should he get accepted into the schools he had applied for. He had worked hard, had been passionate about his work and, maybe because of his own past with drugs, had connected really well with the youths he was working with as well as the members of the support group he had been appointed to and after less than three months of working with them, he had been given his own support group to take care of and Brian would always remember how proud Justin had been when he had come home that evening, telling Brian about it, his whole face shining with happiness.

A week later, Justin had received feedback from the schools he had applied for and had been informed that both PIFA as well as Carnegie Mellon had accepted his applications and welcomed him as a student to take on the course load that Lindsay and Ben had helped him work out with both schools, so he could work on his art studies as well as his social work and counselling studies.

Brian had felt so proud then, had felt so proud of Justin for having found something worthwhile to do with his life and having managed to once and for all leave behind his past. He had turned his life around completely and was finally living it again and when he had seen Justin's smiling face, his eyes that were finally shining again with happiness and joy, seemingly having lost their sadness and hopelessness, Brian just hadn't been able to hold back any longer and he had taken Justin into his arms and had kissed him deeply.

At first Justin had been too surprised to react at all, but then, realising what Brian was doing and more importantly what his kiss meant, he sank into Brian's arms and kissed him back, enjoying the taste of the brunet's mouth on his, Brian's tongue fighting for dominance against his own, sighing happily as they breathlessly pulled apart.

“So...I guess you think I am ready now, huh?” he smiled at Brian from shining eyes, making him chuckle.

“I think you having your own job, having been accepted to both schools that you have applied for and most importantly you being happy in your life and enjoying it, more than qualifies as being ready,” he chuckled before he claimed Justin's lips once more in a passionate kiss.

“And you looked good enough to eat just now so I couldn't pull myself together any longer,” he winked, his own eyes shining with pride and the love he felt for the man in his arms.

“I thought we'd never get there,” Justin laughed, leaning his head against Brian's chest.

“I just wanted to be sure, Sunshine,” he whispered, for the first time since he had come back to Pittsburgh using Debbie's old nickname for Justin again. He buried his face in Justin's hair and inhaled the scent that was so uniquely Justin that there was nothing else that he wanted more.

“Didn't want us to get into something we weren't ready for.”

“I know,” Justin muttered, still not moving his face away from its space on Brian's chest, sighing happily. “I was still getting impatient though.”

“Oh Justin...you've got no idea how hard holding back was for me! I wanted to kiss you for months now...wanted to just hold you and tell you how proud I am, but...I needed to be sure you were ready for it. I care too much about you to hurt you,” Brian told him quietly.

“Do you think this will work, Brian? God...I want it to work,” Justin whispered, pulling back and looking at Brian from love-filled eyes.

Brian nodded, giving Justin a quick peck on his lips. “Me too. We're going to make it work. We've been through so much shit this last year...I have no idea how we could manage to fuck this up now.”

“Can't get much worse than that, huh?” Justin said as he led Brian over to the sofa, nestling into his side as they sat down.

“Well, at least I hope not. Not sure I can take more,” Brian ran his hand through Justin's hair before he gently caressed his arm.

“Me neither. I am never going to let you go again, Brian. Never!” Justin promised as he raised his face and leaned up to Brian for another kiss which was granted instantly.

“I love you!” The older man moaned into the kiss as small hands started moving under his shirt, caressing his chest.

“God...so...so happy to see you well again,” he breathed out before he cried out as that hand twisted his nipple.

“So happy to be well again,” the younger voice panted into the kiss, before letting go off that delicious mouth and sitting on Brian's lap, looking at him hungrily. “I love you, Brian. More than you'll ever know!”

Brian tried to regain his breath and get his breathing under control as he took in the sight of the man in front of him. Justin had changed this last year and as far as Brian was concerned, those had been good changes. His hair had grown again and Brian just loved running his hand through it, as he was doing right then, making Justin giggle and Brian smile at him in return.

Justin had also gained more weight, getting back the weight that he had lost in the three years of his addiction and the drug withdrawal after it. His cheeks had a healthy rosy glow to them and he just looked healthy and well. There was no other word for it. His eyes were shining, his whole face looked happy and right now Brian knew that the man sitting in his lap was hungry. But not for food. Justin wanted him and Brian wanted him in return. So bad. Yet something held him back and he forced himself to give in to that voice instead of just giving in to his urges. For once he tried to be the voice of reason.

“Are we sure we want to do this?” He said seriously, looking up at Justin who frowned back at him.

“Hasn't that been the purpose of the last months? Me getting well enough so we can do this?”

“Yeah, but...now that we're here and about to do this...I am not sure...I can't help but feel scared,” Brian admitted, lowering his eyes. “This will change everything.”

“But for the better,” Justin whispered as he raised Brian's chin with a finger, making the older man look at him. “I am scared as well. God, you have no idea how much because...I have dreamed of this for years and I felt like I had it all once, but then...I lost you and...my whole life pretty much, but...I have never been as certain about something as I am about the fact that I want you, Brian and...more importantly that I love you! I love you so much and...I know that it'll work this time. We've both changed and...circumstances are different and I wouldn't want to do this if I wasn't sure that it would work. But I am! You didn't let me fall when I was at my lowest and I just know that it'll always be like that. You won't let me fall and I promise not to let you fall either, Brian. We're going to make this work,” Justin told Brian and the older man was surprised by the sincerity in his eyes as well as the determination in his voice.

Brian had wanted this for months, despite all his earlier mantras that he didn't care about love and relationships. Somehow this thing with Justin had just been different. Justin had been different and he himself had changed as well in recent years and especially in the last year when he had helped Justin get away from the drugs that had controlled his life and he cursed himself for feeling scared now, but somewhere deep inside he knew that Justin was right. They had been through a year where Brian had seen Justin at his lowest and still he had been by his side and somehow he knew that after having made it through all of that together, they would make it through anything and that it would work. He just knew it. So forcing those bad thoughts back to the back of his mind, Brian shook his head slightly as if to clear his thoughts before a small smile spread on his lips.

“You're right. I am just being ridiculous. Come here!”

And with that he pulled Justin close, kissed him once more and sighed in pure happiness when he felt Justin kiss him back, when he felt his tongue beg for entrance which Brian instantly granted, starting to pant when he also felt the blond's hand under his shirt once more.

It didn't take long for both of them to be panting wildly on Brian's couch and Brian had to force himself with a strength he didn't know he even possessed to pull back from that delicious mouth, making Justin groan in complaint.

“Let's do this the proper way,” Brian whispered as he carefully got up and carried a giggling Justin as they made their way upstairs to Brian's bedroom where Brian gently lay the blond down on his bed, taking in Justin, just looking at him and drinking him in.

“I love you,” he whispered before he joined Justin on the bed and soon after they were both kissing passionately once again.

This time Justin pulled back after several minutes of having rubbed their hard erections against each other, both of them panting wildly.

“Will you fuck me, Brian? Please...want to feel you inside of me.”

Brian knew that he was lost when he saw the passion in those big eyes that had nearly turned black from it and he was only able to nod his assent, his mind too busy trying to cope with all the emotions going through him at that moment to be able to form a coherent reply.

Justin lay down at Brian's side and gently started to push up his shirt until Brian's chest was free. He licked up and down the muscles there before he took Brian's nipples into his mouth and sucked on them and gently bit into them, making Brian nearly jump off the bed in ecstasy. When he pulled back, he helped the brunet out of his shirt before moving down to his pants, slowly opening them, revealing Brian's boxer brief-clad erection and burying his face in it, inhaling the scent that was so uniquely Brian.

He then forced himself away from it, pulling down both the pants and the boxer briefs, revealing Brian's rock-hard erection that was begging for attention. Never one to be cruel, Justin leaned down and took it into his mouth, nearly crying out in happiness as that familiar taste filled his every sense. He carefully held Brian's hips in place which were bucking wildly as he licked up and down the sides of the brunet's member before he swallowed it as far as he could.

Brian was writhing and moaning on the bed and Justin knew that he enjoyed what he was doing. Brian had always loved Justin's mouth on him, but tonight that wasn't what Justin wanted. He wanted Brian to fuck him, so he regretfully pulled back after leaving one last kiss on Brian's leaking cock.

“You still taste the same,” he whispered as he moved up Brian's body and kissed him fiercely, allowing him to taste himself on Justin's tongue.

He squeaked in surprise when Brian took his arms and pushed him down and away from his body, making him lie down next to him before the older man climbed over him, still hungrily kissing Justin.

“My turn,” he panted into the kiss as he started to get rid of Justin's shirt.

“Oh yes, please...,” Justin moaned once he was out of his shirt, feeling Brian's hands travel to the zipper of his jeans, quickly opening it and removing the offending piece of clothing, pulling down Justin's boxers shortly after.

Justin had expected Brian to take him into his mouth as well or to kiss up his body, but all Brian did was sit there between his legs and look at his body in trance, his eyes getting glassy at the sight in front of him.

“So beautiful...you're so beautiful,” he whispered as he finally started moving his hand along Justin's side, making him smile gently at him.

Justin knew that this moment had to be quite emotional for Brian just like it was emotional for him, so he allowed Brian the time he needed to just take in the body beneath him, to appreciate its beauty while Justin took in Brian's body, wondering when the older man had gotten even more beautiful. To him Brian had always been sexy and good-looking, but now he seemed to be even more so than he had been when they had first fucked together and Justin definitely appreciated the sight in front of him.

After several minutes of just looking at each other and drinking the other's body in, Justin led his hand to Brian's face and made him look at his eyes. “Fuck me, Brian,” he whispered, his eyes shining with love and happiness.

“It will be my honour,” Brian replied as he leaned down and captured Justin's mouth in another passionate kiss.

He pulled back shortly after though, a frown on his face that made Justin look at him in confusion.

“What?”

“Do you have lube on you? I don't have any in here,” he said silently, blushing wildly as he looked at Justin who burst out laughing.

“What? You didn't prepare this? Man, it's not like neither of us knew it wouldn't happen at some point. How come you don't have lube in your bedroom?”

“Lots of cold showers...So...do you?” Brian smirked, already having seen the answer in Justin's face, not surprised when he shook his head, still laughing.

“Nope.”

Brian got up from the bed, forcing himself away from the delicious body on his bed and left for the bathroom, returning a few seconds later, holding up a bottle of lube in triumph.

“This will work just fine!”

Justin was still laughing, shaking his head at Brian. “How romantic.”

Brian smirked. “Yeah, I was always the romantic one, wasn't I?”

“Sure were,” Justin snorted before he decided that he had gone long enough without a kiss from Brian and pulled him down once more, effectively shutting up his reply which he had already started to give.

“Shut up...too much talking,” Justin moaned into the kiss, feeling glad when he felt Brian's hips rocking against his own, causing delicious friction for his cock.

Brian then started to prepare Justin, gently circling his hole with his lube-covered finger before pushing in carefully. He moved his finger around and felt Justin writhe at the sensation of being filled by Brian's finger and Brian smiled when Justin's eyes flew open and he exclaimed. “Oh shit!”

Brian had found his prostrate and quickly went to touch it once more before he added a second finger and a third finger shortly after. When he was sure that Justin was ready, he handed him the lube and held out his erect, condom covered penis to him so he could cover it with lube, gasping as Justin's hands came in contact with it, almost feeling like bursting right there and then.

Brian knew he wouldn't last long, but he wanted to be inside Justin when he came, wanted to be surrounded by that wonderful man lying in his bed, so he forced himself to breathe easy and calm down.

Justin lay down once more and spread his legs so Brian could settle inbetween them and he smiled to himself when he felt Brian push a pillow under his hips to raise them a bit before he positioned his cock at Justin's entrance. Before he pushed in, he took Justin's hands in his, holding on to them tightly, locking his eyes with Justin's.

“I love you, Sunshine,” he whispered as he slowly pushed in.

Justin moaned deeply at the intrusion and the feeling of being filled up by Brian. Once Brian was all the way in, he waited for a few seconds, searching Justin's face for any signs of pain or discomfort, but not seeing any, just seeing bliss and happiness and a goofy grin and he knew that he wore the same goofy grin on his face. Not that Brian Kinney ever grinned goofily, but well, you know?

Justin had finally come home. After years of having been lost and not having known where he belonged, he had finally come home as he felt Brian inside of him, felt him slowly start to move out and push back in right away. He was home! There was no other word for it. He felt perfectly content and knew that this was where he wanted to be for the rest of his life. At the side of this man who was now fucking him.

As Brian had expected neither lasted long and it didn't even take two strokes up and down Justin's cock before he came all over Brian's hand and his stomach. Brian followed suit shortly after as the feeling of Justin's muscles tensing around his cock also sent him over the edge and made him come hard inside his lover.

He collapsed on Justin's chest, panting wildly, trying to get his breath and body back under control when he saw tears come to the younger man's eyes. They were tears of happiness, tears of bliss and most of all tears of homecoming. They were back together and being together was still as breathtaking as it had always been.

Brian wasn't surprised when he saw the tears in Justin's eyes which were smiling up at him. Justin had always been emotional and this was no exception.

“Love you,” Justin whispered and Brian could only nod at the sentiment.

When he felt his body again a few minutes later, he moved down from Justin's body and settled next to him, taking him into his arms and holding him close.

“Promise me that we'll always be like this,” Brian said and he smiled when he felt the smaller man nod against him.

“Promise me that you'll always love me,” the voice spoke back and Brian smiled happily.

“I will.”

They were back together and this time nothing would tear them apart. This time they would stand the test of time, both of them were absolutely sure.

Epilogue

“Hey, I already worried that you wouldn't make it in time,” Brian said as he saw Justin enter the house in a hurry, quickly throwing away his keys and bag.

“Not a chance in hell I would miss this,” the younger man replied quickly, before planting a kiss on Brian's lips and already moving up the stairs. “Just give me a minute to get a shower and get changed.”

Brian pulled up his nose as he followed Justin up the stairs and into the bathroom, frowning at the smell and the stains on his shirt.

“What's that smell?”

“Vomit,” Justin supplied before getting out of his clothes and turning on the water in the shower.

“Yours?” Brian asked in a mixture of concern and mostly disgust, feeling relieved when Justin shook his head.

“Girl on crack who thought it was smart to eat two handfuls of dirt followed by a helping of tapestry,” he told Brian before getting under the spray and quickly washing off the smell as Brian got rid of the clothes, putting them into the washing machine right away.

“Nice,” he mumbled to himself as he saw Justin leave the bathroom a minute later, a towel wrapped around his lithe body.

“Stressful day?” Brian asked as he handed Justin a clean shirt, looking at him from understanding eyes.

“Not more than on other days,” Justin answered, drying himself off before putting on new clothes.

“You look tired.”

“Nothing that a good night's sleep in your arms won't cure,” Justin said as he made his way over to Brian, putting his arms around his neck and kissing him gently.

Justin had been working with the charity for more than a year now and he still loved every day of that work. He loved being with the kids, trying to help them and seeing that help accepted and seeing those kids get a chance at a normal life. The work fulfilled him and made him happy and even though it was stressful at times, especially during his semesters when he had classes at two universities on his schedule as well and didn't always abide to normal working hours, like today, Justin was happy and that was all that mattered to Brian.

He loved seeing Justin happy and he always had to smile proudly when Justin started telling stories about some of the kids he had been able to help and how they had connected to him, his eyes shining and his whole face lighting up. Brian knew without a doubt that Justin had found his place in life and it made him happy and most of all very proud.

Looking at Justin now and seeing him healthy, seeing him help homeless, drug addicted teens, while working on his art and social work degrees at the same time, one couldn't imagine that just less than two years ago he had been addicted to drugs himself and had been on the brink of throwing away his life. But Justin had fought his way back and had managed to prove everyone wrong, making the best of the second chance that had been given to him.

He had worked past his legal troubles, his financial troubles as well as many emotional issues and had found his way back into living a good, happy life. He had done so with Brian's help and would forever be grateful to him for not having given up on him when so many others had.

Brian had been his rock and had been by his side through the worst hours of his life, always holding him and supporting him and it was Justin's greatest joy that they had managed to get a relationship out of it and were happy as a couple.

They had been together for almost nine months now and to Justin those had been the happiest nine months of his life. He was loved by and loved the most amazing man he'd ever met in his life and worked in a job that fulfilled him and made him happy. He often sat down and just felt amazed by how his life had worked out, wondering what he had done to deserve to become so happy.

“If we didn't have to go, I'd force you to spoil me endlessly all night long,” Justin whispered against Brian's lips, smiling when he heard him chuckle.

“You don't have to force me, Sunshine. Never have to force me when it comes to loving you.”

“Good to know,” Justin winked before pulling back and running his hands through Brian's hair. “Have I told you how much I love you?”

“Not in the last seven hours,” Brian laughed gently, pulling Justin close once more.

“Sacrilege,” Justin gasped, pulling Brian close once more, smiling as his lips were claimed in another kiss.

“Got that right,” Brian whispered, tasting Justin's mouth before pulling back and letting go of Justin, who got the hint. If they didn't stop now, they would never make it out of the house.

Justin moved back over to his side of the bed, putting his watch back on as he looked at Brian.

“How was your day?”

“You know how it goes. Was supposed to do three presentations and we only managed to do two because one client cancelled at the last minute. Means I have to do an extra presentation tomorrow. But other than that it was good.”

Brian had quickly turned Kinnetik into the number one boutique advertisement agency on the East Coast and with him being the great ad man that he was, the company had quickly become very successful. Months ago Brian had hired several more account execs who had brought in even more clients. Kinnetik had had a very good, profitable first year and had become more successful than even Brian had anticipated before he had returned to Pittsburgh. Having the other ad execs work for him, also meant that Brian was able to delegate business trips to them and didn't have to leave Justin's side if he didn't want to. Brian and Justin had only been apart for two nights after they had gotten together and those two nights had been because Brian had to go to New York to do some ass licking for a rich fart client as he had refered to it at the time and Justin couldn't get any time off to join him. Brian had hated being away from Justin and he knew that no job in this world, no client or account, no matter how great it was would ever pull him away from the side of his beloved again. By delegating any annoying trips to his account execs, he could return home at the end of the day and would always be able to fall asleep with Justin by his side, just like he liked best.

“And here I thought you had cocked up your presentations,” Justin winked, as he ran a hand through his hair to get some sort of hairstyle done.

“Me? Hey, you know I am a pro and the best at what I do!” Brian grinned as he stopped Justin's hand from going through his hair once more, smiling gently. “Don't. You look great!”

“You're biased,” Justin just gave back, but in the end didn't run his hand through his hair again.

“More like crazy about you. Sounds nicer,” Brian chuckled before he made for the door, Justin following behind him, still laughing.

“Right.”

They made their way out of the house towards the car, joking with each other as they drove the fifteen minutes to the muncher's house where they could immediately hear kids' laughter and squealing as they got out of their car.

When they rang the bell, Gus opened the door shortly after, wearing a 'Happy Birthday' cap, smiling at them widely. “Daddy! Justin!”

“Hey Birthday boy,” Justin smiled as he scooped the now five year old into his arms and held him close, leaving a kiss on his cheek. “Happy Birthday, honey!”

Gus just giggled in his arms before Brian leaned in as well, leaving a kiss on his other cheek. “Happy Birthday, sonny boy!”

“Are you having a nice party?” Justin asked as he walked into the living-room where he could see several kids play and adults sitting at the table. Gus, who was still clinging to him as if he would never let go of his father's boyfriend ever again, nodded happily.

“There was a clown, Justin. And I got many presents.”

“Many presents? Does that mean you don't need another one?” Justin joked, tickling the boy's belly, making him squeal in his arms.

“Want more presents,” he just exclaimed once he had calmed down and Justin let him down, pointing towards Brian who was holding the presents.

“Daddy has your presents, honey. I hope you like them!”

He watched as Gus ran off towards Brian, jumping him next, nearly making him lose grip of the presents as the small boy excitedly turned around in his arms, reaching for the first present.

“There you go, sonny boy,” Brian chuckled as he watched Gus rip off the wrapping paper, unpacking his drumsticks which belonged to the bigger children's drum set he had already gotten earlier that day from his mothers. “So you can make very loud music and annoy your mummy and ma very much,” Brian chuckled before he pulled out the second present and handed it to the surprised boy who clearly hadn't expected to get a second present and apparently hadn't seen the second box before.

Gus immediately started unwrapping it as well and squealed in excitement when he unpacked a Buzz Lightyear cuddly toy, hugging it close at once. He had been in love with Buzz Lightyear for a long time now and Brian had just known that he would love having him as a cuddly toy.

Gus excitedly ran off towards his mothers who had watched everything from the table where they were sitting with some of the other guests, who had all watched on with warm eyes as their son had greeted his beloved daddy and his boyfriend and had unpacked even more presents. They smiled at him when he excitedly told them about his new presents.

Brian and Justin slowly made their way over as well and Michael got up and greeted them, hugging them both close.

“Thought you wouldn't make it anymore,” he chuckled as he pointed to the big clock on the wall, which showed that it was already close to six in the evening.

“Princess here couldn't decide what he wanted to wear,” Brian winked, earning himself a glare and a hit on the shoulder from Justin.

“I was held up at work. He's just trying to distract from the fact that he wouldn't have been ready any earlier anyway,” he chuckled.

“Nothing serious, I hope,” Michael said as Brian and Justin moved towards the table, greeted everyone and sat down as well.

“Just the usual,” Justin replied, knowing that Michael would understand.

Over the last year, ever since his trial, he and Michael had built a new friendship and were as close as they had ever been, probably even closer than they had ever been and Michael had been one of his biggest supporters along with Brian and Emmett when he had announced that he didn't want to return to waiting tables, but wanted to do something where he could work with people in his situation and where he could help them. Michael had been very interested in the work that Justin did and they would often talk for a long time, forgetting everything else around them, discussing certain cases that Justin was working on.

Michael came back from the kitchen and handed Brian a bottle of beer and Justin a glass of coke, then sat down in his place again, raising his own bottle of beer at them before listening to Gus go on about his new present.

Brian had to smile at that, because Michael didn't even have to ask either of them what they wanted to drink. He had just known because he knew them so well. He looked over at Justin as he took a sip from his glass of coke, then took a sip of his beer as well.

Justin had refused to drink any alcohol ever since he had been through his drug withdrawal, telling Brian once that he just didn't want to go to any risk, clearly having proven to everyone around that he had an addictive nature and not wanting to put it to the test once more.

Brian had accepted that and so had everyone else. It was Justin's choice and at the time Brian had felt proud that Justin had been that aware of his own problems and had accepted them as a part of his life, had accepted that addiction was a life-long battle and that it was better to not take any risks. He didn't seem to miss alcohol anyway and it had been great for Brian, who had once joked to Justin that he now always had someone who was still sober and could drive back home if he had had a drink too much.

As could easily be seen, Justin hadn't only rebuild his relationship with Michael, but had also managed to built a relationship with Gus who just adored his father's boyfriend and was mostly too young to still remember Justin from before he had become a victim of drugs and had been pulled into his addiction. He had barely been a year at the time and couldn't really remember and ever since Justin had started coming over with Brian more often or when he had visited them at their place, he loved his Justin and couldn't get enough of him and Brian.

Brian had been happy about that and he had been happy about Justin rebuilding his friendships with Michael and Emmett. In fact Justin had been able to rebuild most of the friendships and relationships in his life, even though it had been hard at times and had been very painful to face up to some of the things he had done when under the influence of the drugs, but thankfully most people were able to see that he wasn't like that anymore and had changed for the better, allowing him a second chance and letting him back into their lives. Brian had been most glad about Justin rebuilding his friendship with Daphne as well as the relationship with his mother and sister, people that had always been important to Justin and still were.

Looking back on the past year, Brian knew that they had made the right choices and he knew without a doubt that giving their relationship a go had been the right thing to do for Justin and himself.

When they had gotten together, there had been a talk between them about keeping their relationship secret or going open with it and Brian had secretly dreaded that talk, thinking that Justin might think that he was still believing in his old opinions about relationships, but when the topic had come up, he had been surprised by what an easy conversation it had been. Mostly for himself as well..

“Sure, why not?” He had just said as Justin had suggested coming out to their friends and family and making their relationship public.

Justin looked at Brian as if he had grown a second head. “Wh-what?”

“Yeah, let's do it. Why not?”

“What happened to. 'Oh, I don't believe in love and relationships and I won't be tied down in an imitation of a heteronormative life?” Justin asked in slight disbelief.

Brian had taken Justin's hand and had sighed before he explained his change of heart. “Keeping it secret won't do us any good. It will destroy us and...I don't want that. I have changed and...now things are different. I am not the fucking Stud anymore and nobody cares about what I do or don't do. I haven't been that person since I have left for New York. Honestly? People have probably forgotten all about me in recent years. I don't think anyone will as much as raise an eyebrow and...you always wanted us to be a couple and wanted everyone to know and I was too stubborn to realise that, but...if you still want to do it, I think we should. I think we should be open if that's what you want. If only to keep the pressure of having to hide and appear as something we're not in public away from us. I love you, Sunshine and I don't care if the whole world knows. In fact...I want them to know because you make me so happy! Everyone should know how amazing you are.”

And that had been that discussion. They had talked about how they wanted to reveal their relationship to their loved ones, if they wanted to say something or not, but in the end decided to just let people figure it out themselves. They decided to just be themselves and if a friend or family member caught them kissing or holding hands, well that was that. They didn't give a shit and would continue as they had before.

And when people on Liberty Avenue had started to figure out the nature of their new relationship, it had been a topic for about a week and things had then died down, making Brian laugh at how stupid he had been for expecting anything else. Brian had still gotten offers from willing tricks at Babylon and Woody's and nothing much had changed. Their family and friends had been happy for them and had wished them all the best, not a single one having a bad thing to say to either of them. In the end it had gone a lot better than either of them had expected and they had been open about their love ever since. There had even been known moments when Brian had answered questions about his relationship with Justin when someone had asked and when he had felt like it.

It had been so much fun to see the expressions on people's faces when Brian had actually used the word relationship and partner to describe what Justin was to him.

Being out as a couple and not having to hide or try to present themselves as something they were not for the sake of Brian's Stud image on Liberty Avenue had been a huge relief for both of them and also a completely new experience. They had never before gone out for romantic dinners or walks or a night at the movies. Back when they had been fucking for the first time it had all been about going to Babylon, Woody's and the backroom and that had been it. It was new to both of them and they both enjoyed the feeling very much.

Yeah, it had been a good year and Brian just hoped that the next years would be just as good.

Looking at Justin now, seeing Gus in his lap excitedly telling him a story, seeing Justin smile at him, his eyes shining with happiness and joy and most of all love as he looked up and his eyes met Brian's, Brian knew that the bad years were over.

He knew without a doubt that they would be fine and he would love Justin until the end of his days. They had been through the worst imaginable things together and had made it through them together and Brian knew that after what Justin had been through, there was nothing that could ever pull them apart again.

Things couldn't get any worse than that and they had survived that. Their future looked bright and they were both happy. And that was all that mattered to Brian as he smiled at his lover, watching him grin happily at something Gus had said.

The End