Title: Thank You for Asking but the Answer is No…
Story Type: AU
Word Count: 2384
Rating: NC17
Beta Queen: Bigj52

Summary: Through the suffering and loss of his best friend, Brian finally grows and changes…

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, plot, etc. are property of their respective owners, including, but not limited to Russell T. Davies, Cowlip, and Showtime. The author of this story is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended…

Thank You for Asking but the Answer is No…

Part 1 ~ Death, Destruction and Broken Hearts

Brian’s POV

I walk down the filthy stairwell in Justin’s rat-infested building that is now his new home. I can’t believe that I asked him to marry me, and moreover, I can’t believe that he said, ‘Thank you for asking but the answer is no…’

No… No… that’s the only thing I hear in my head, over and over again. I guess it’s time for a Jim Beam intervention. I love the way it burns just a little going down on that first sip. It needs to cause a little pain, if it’s going to relieve a little pain.

Wow. I guess I should have known better, you can only push someone away so many times, then eventually they stop coming back at all. I guess there’s no going back this time. He can’t see me anymore. I’m just a burnt-out shell of a man now, just like Babylon.

Who knew that the day I’d finally grow up, would also be the same day I completely died inside? I finally realized what I had, only I didn’t have it anymore. I finally realized that I needed him in my life, and he no longer wants to be part of that any more. I feel hollow, empty, abandoned, and soon to reach my expiration date.

I’m sitting in the back of Woody’s willing myself to be invisible. I’d like to crawl into that bottle of Beam and just drown. I’m too drunk to go back to the hospital and he probably wouldn’t want to see me now if he’s awake, even if I did. After all Mr. Novotny made it perfectly clear that, ‘just because we’ve been friends for our whole life, isn’t a reason to keep on being friends.’

I can’t help feeling like everyone in here is staring at me, and not in a positive, life-affirming way. They all seem to have pity in their eyes. Do I look that pathetic? I didn’t see him approach, but I look up and see Brandon sitting down at my table.

“What the fuck do you want?”

“I thought maybe you might need someone to talk to.”

“And pray tell, why would I want it to be you?”

“Well, none of your other friends are here, and I know I wouldn’t want to be alone if my best friend just died.”

“He didn’t die. He just doesn’t want to marry me.”

I can’t believe I just said that to this total prick I hate.

“What? I thought that he was already married? And had that foster hustler?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m sorry. I thought you knew. You looked so sad, and it was on the 6 o’clock news. He was rushed back into surgery this afternoon. He had internal bleeding, but they couldn’t stop it.”





“Oh God, no.”

No, don’t let that be true. I reach for my cell but it’s turned off. Then I remember turning it off so no one would interrupt my proposal to Justin. It’s full of messages from everyone, including Justin. They started hours ago but I was already in full-blown drama mode. Oh God! Michael died when I was shit-faced drunk. How do you like the stud of Liberty Avenue now? God, I make myself sick.

I get up to leave and Brandon says, “You’re in no condition to drive. Would you please let me take you?”

He’s being so nice, and I never treated him with anything but cruelty and bitter comments.

“Why are you being so nice to me?”

“I know what it’s like to lose someone.”

“Someone? I feel like I’ve lost everything. What is there left for me here?”

Brandon says, “Do you want me to drive your car or mine?”

“What kind of car to you have?”

“It’s a 1969 Mercedes Benz. She’s a boat, a real tank but she purrs. I call her Miss Nell, she was my grandmother’s when I was a kid. Then she sat in the garage for a decade or more. Miss Nell was my grandma’s housekeeper, and she drove me everywhere when I was visiting my grandparents.”

They decide on Miss Nell, she has lots of room and Brian can stretch out. It’s about eight o’clock at night and Brian asks if it would be okay just to drive around for a while. He needs to clear his mind and come to grips with everything that’s happened. Brandon asks, ‘Shouldn’t you check in with someone? Let them know you’re okay?”

“No. There’s no one now. There’s really nothing holding me here anymore. I guess I’ve used and abused just about everyone and everything in this town. It’s best that I just move along.”

“You don’t want to go to the funereal?”

“They won’t want to see me.”

“But you might need the closure, to let him go.”

“You really don’t know me, do you?”

“No. But you don’t appear to be that same asshole who was stalking me last week.”

“Stalking you? I never.”

“Ha, ha, ha. So, what about this guy you asked to marry you?”

“He’s better off without me.”

“Uh huh…”

~~~~





Justin’s just about insane, he’s looked everywhere for Brian. He found the ‘Vette on Liberty Avenue the night before last. But the last time he saw Brian was when he turned down his proposal, which he now truly regrets. He should have known that it would crush Brian. He should have known how hard it was for him to ask. He should have known that he would need someone to be there for him while Michael was in the hospital. And now the unthinkable has happen. He knows he should be there for Brian now, now that Michael has passed away.

He can’t imagine what kind of shape Brian must be in right about now. He hasn’t been back to the loft since early on the day after the bombing. Where the fuck could he be? Michael’s funeral is in a couple of hours, so Justin waits at the loft. He’s alone wondering if things could be any more fucked up.

~~~

Part 2 ~ Funerals and Farewells

Justin’s POV

Ben looks stoic, Hunter’s in shock, Debbie and Emmett are crying non-stop, and Ted looks exhausted, showing his age. The girls have decided to move to Canada, so their minds are focused on leaving town. I’m pretty much numb to things going on around me, everything seems so surreal. It’s so odd when someone so young dies. It’s hard for the brain to assimilate the information. I’m brought out of my trance by the smell of marijuana floating by from a grave several headstones over.


I look up and see Brian standing far off to the left, he looks so sad. I want to run to him, but I’m standing next to Deb, holding her hand. I look back up and Brian’s back is slowly fading out of sight, as he gets into an old Mercedes Benz. I can’t let him go, not now, not again. I break my grip from Deb’s hand and turn to run after Brian. It’s a good thing it’s a one-way horseshoe drive around the cemetery. I run to the road and jump in front of the car to make it stop.

I yell, “Brian! I’ve changed my mind, and the answer is yes!”

Everyone’s head turns from Michael’s grave site. They’re staring at me and the Mercedes Benz. Brian rolls down his window and says, “I’m sorry, Sunshine, but that ship has sailed. Now you need to go and become the best homosexual you can possibly be.”

I shout back, “I already am! So unlock the fucking door! NOW, BRIAN!”

As I open the door and get into the Mercedes Benz I notice Brian’s contest loser, Brandon behind the wheel. I can’t help feeling a little bit off, out of place like somehow they’re a couple and I’m some cheap one-night stand. But Brandon smiles at me and says, “Good. You’re here. Now Mr. Grumpy can lose the attitude.”

I look at Brandon and think he has way more faith in me than I do. I can’t imagine what kind of jerk Brian’s been lately. Brandon waves his hand and says, “Okay, now come on… Kiss and make up.”

I look at Brian and he blushes, then pulls me close into his arms. I’m not sure what’s going on. I expected a snarky, bitchy Brian. I expected walls as thick as Stonehenge, but what I receive is a warm embrace. His eyes are full of tears, and his voice is raspy. I hear him say, “I love you so much. I can’t lose you, not both of you at the same time.”


It’s midafternoon and the gang is milling around Deb’s house. It’s pretty somber with everyone still in shock. No one wants to leave. They don’t want Deb to be alone, and even though Carl is off, he’s always on call. When Brian and I enter it brings relief and questions at the same time. They all want to know where the hell he’s been, why did he run away, and what I mean by,” I’ve changed my mind, and the answer is yes!”

But the look on Brian’s face isn’t guarded, he didn’t slip his mask on today. There’s a pained look in his eyes, besides them being bloodshot and weary. Ben comes over with a couple of glasses and a bottle of Beam, and pours us each a couple of fingers. Ben lifts his glass to Brian’s and mine. “To Michael, the man who gave Rage a voice and a place in gay history, as well as being the love of my life by claiming my heart.”

I stand and raise my glass. “To Michael, my partner and cohort in crime. We weren’t always friends but these last couple of years we have grown very close. We both learned to stand up for ourselves and what we believe in. Rest in peace, Zephyr.”

Hunter stands, holding up a can of beer. Ben shakes his head but doesn’t take it away. He says, “To my Dad, he didn’t want to like me, didn’t want me around. I couldn’t help but need him, we couldn’t help but love each other. He rode my ass every day, always checking up on me. That’s why I’ve decided to go back to high school and even college someday. I want to make him proud of me, he believed in me.”

Ted stands, raising his bottle of water. “To a kind-hearted soul with a soft voice. I’m so glad to have known you and watched you grow into a man, a husband and a father. I’m so glad you found all that happiness in your life.”

Emmett stands, Cosmo in hand, and tears run down his face. He shakes his head and his voice cracks. He tries to smile as he finally says, “Be free, baby.”

Lindsay stands and raises her glass of chardonnay to Michael. “I’ve known Michael since high school, and he’s like my kid brother. He was always around. I will miss him desperately and he will always live in my heart.”

Mel stands and raises her Red Bull. She says, “Michael will always be a part of me. We share our daughter, creating a bond that will never die. I promise to tell Jenny-Rebecca all about you, and encourage each and every one of you to do the same. We will never forget you, Michael.”

Carl stands. He tries to smile but it’s been a very trying couple of days, and Michael's death on top of everything else has left him exhausted. He raises his Seagram’s Seven. “Michael has been my son for the last few years. He’s taught me so much about life, choices, lifestyles and family. It’s an honor to have been his father. May he rest in peace.”

Deb just shakes her head, and whispers, “I can’t, I just can’t…” No one can blame her, no parent should have to bury their child. The pain she’s feeling is unlike any most of us will ever know, God willing.

Brian thinks to himself, ‘can’t I just shake my head and say no too?’ Everyone’s looking at him, and he can’t for the life of himself know what they expect from him. They probably think it should be him. There’s just dead silence, and then he feels all the cold stares on him. Finally Brian stands. He half smiles but he can’t hold the mask today; he’s too weak. His eyes fill with tears and he dries them with his silk handkerchief and clears his throat.

He lifts his head and says, “Michael would say he was my best friend. I wish I could say that I was Michael’s best friend. But the truth is, I’m not. I hate that I never had a chance to tell him how truly sorry I am… for everything… all of it… all the years of bullshit, mantras and hollow declarations.”

“He tried to tell me. Tell me I was wrong, that I was jaded. That I needed to open my heart and soul. But I stuck to my mantras even as they were starting to ring empty. Even if I had already broken all my rules, I resisted change and tried to cling desperately to my past. It’s true I can’t continue being an over-age club kid anymore. I love you, Michael and I will miss you. It’s truly the end of an era.”

By the end of Brian’s little speech he has gained some strength, and decides to continue. “I know this really isn’t the right time to announce something like this, but I don’t want you to think I’m hiding something from you.”

“I’d just like to say that I’m going to be taking some time off and reevaluating my life. I’m selling the loft and the club. Justin and I will be spending the next several months traveling, and we plan to be married. So once we decide what we want to be when we grow up, and where we want to live we’ll let you know. But for now we just need to live. I’m just so sorry it took losing someone so special, to see what’s really important in life.”

The End