Drinking his sorrows away was pathetic, but Justin stopped caring a few drinks ago about the way he might look to his peers at Woody’s. He was on his way of forming a damn pretty sturdy pyramid of empty shot glasses.

Brian leaned over the bar, next to him, offering to buy him another.

“No thanks,” Justin mumbled. The last person he needed to see was Brian. He’d mock him for his poor choices and decisions in life, especially about Ethan.

“Where’s you fiancé?”

“He’s playing somewhere.” Justin tried placating Brian in hope he’d leave him alone.

“Well, lucky you have this.” Brian tapped the ring on Justin’s finger. “See ya.”

Justin sighed in relief, drowning his whiskey when he was alone once again. He signaled to the bartender for another.

He’d never felt so used and cheated in his life. When he’d been with Brian, he didn’t care much if Brian was off with some trick. At least, Brian had been honest from the beginning, telling him he didn’t believe in love, and that he believed in fucking…anyone, anywhere, not the same person twice. Unless their name was Justin Taylor.

Ethan had promised him the opposite of what he got from his relationship with Brian. Justin had been sure he was making the right choice to be with Ethan. He’d promised him romance and monogamy, flowers and dinners on the floor, even the promise ring he was wearing. It was all a scam.

The second Ethan found himself in a different town, he went after the first available piece of ass; another admirer going to him after his concert. Justin could have gone after them to confront Ethan, but something stopped him. He wasn’t that cruel to ruin Ethan’s career over his jealousy.

Though, knowing Ethan managed to sneak around with his new admirer made Justin’s blood boil. He should have been the one there, but Ethan was worried about being seen together. Justin wasn’t going back in the closet, not even for Ethan’s career. He was determined to convince him to find some other agent who’d take him as he was, not only for his pretty face and astounding talent.

A few more glasses later, the bartender asked if Justin wouldn’t simply like the whole bottle. He was inclined to accept it, but decided he had enough.

“What do I owe you,” he slurred out.

“One hundred bucks.”

Justin fished for his wallet, but stopped short. “That’s too much,” he said accusatory.

The man showed him the tab. “Ten straight whiskeys, six vodkas, and four brandy glasses.”

Justin shook his head. He hadn’t drunk that much, had he?

Why was the room spinning, damn it?

He forgot about being upset about paying the outrageously high priced tab when he heard the saddest song playing in the background.

I died today,
but I'm still breathing,
bleeding,
for now,
I'm broken.

“That’s one of the saddest songs I’ve ever heard,” he declared, downing the last glass he’d ordered. “Top it.”

“You complained a minute ago it was too much. Do you have the money?”

You left me here,
Capsized and sinking,
thinking, right now,
there's no more good guys.

You left me standing here,
alone and colder,
I hope that some day soon,
the pain inside will stop.

“Double it,” Justin ordered, wiping a tear forming at the corner of his eye.

You died today,
but you're still breathing,
in my mind,
that is,
there's no more good guys.

“That’s so true, you know? There’s no more good guys.”

Dane, the bartender, rolled his eyes. He hadn’t minded Justin up until that moment. He was this quiet, sorry fellow who kept drinking…now he decided to cry about his sorrows and Dane wasn’t sure if his customer had the money to pay for his growing tab. But as a good bartender, he gave Justin a double scotch on rocks.

You left me standing here,
alone and colder,
I hope that some day soon,
the pain inside will stop
I hoped you'd see me,
I hoped you'd understand,
Or crucify me for my failings,
my cruel ambition,
hardly justified,
and the pain inside will ... stop.

A sob escaped Justin as he drank from his newest glass. The pain inside him didn’t seem to stop. He kept replaying in his head the scene of Ethan checking his surroundings before leaving with his young admirer.

He emptied his glass, before pulling a few bills from his wallet. It was all he had and he was in no state to count and make sure it covered the tab.

“Wait up!” Dane shouted after him. “This barely covers half of what you drank.”

Justin stopped near the door. “I’ll give you the rest next time I see you,” he slurred out.

Brian, who’d paid close attention to Justin ever since he’d left his side, put two bills of fifty on the counter, before following Justin outside.

“Need a ride?”

Justin frowned at him. “No, I’m good. I’ll walk.”

“You call that walking? I’m sure Gus can do it better than you.”

“I might have had one too many. So what? You do it all the time.”

“But I don’t make a spectacle of myself.” Brian caught Justin when his feet tangled up. “Christ. How much did you drink?”

“A lot,” he admitted into Brian’s warm chest. “So sleepy.”

“Don’t fall asleep on me, Sunshine.”

Brian dragged Justin to his new car, stuffing Justin into the passenger seat, buckling him up. Once behind the wheel, Brian regarded Justin amused when he started swaying and humming to himself.

“What’s the address?”

Justin didn’t react, continuing to sway and hum the song he’d heard at Woody’s minutes ago.

“Work with me, Justin. What dumpster does your fiddler live in?”

“There’s no more good guys…”

“I bet,” Brian muttered. “I’m top of the list. Now, where do I take you?”

“Home.”

“And where’s home?” Brian cringed at the word.

Justin frowned at him, shaking his head. “The loft,” he answered as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

“Sorry? Did you drink your brain away? We’re not together anymore.”

Justin leaned closer, as much as the seatbelt permitted him. “We could be.”

Brian was starting to regret getting involved in Justin’s stupid romance problems, but he always cared for his blond boy. Seeing him hurt tugged at something deep inside his gut.

Against his better judgment, Brian decided to bring Justin to the loft, and hoped he’d pass out as soon as they were inside. He knew drunken Justin turned into horny Justin. He couldn’t have that.

“I died today…” Justin continued singing softly. “But you’re still breathing… hmmm mhhmm…”

Brian wasn’t sure if laughing was wise, because he’d never seen Justin in that state. He’d faced drunken or high Justin, and he was fun to be around, not depressing as fuck.

“There’s no more good guys… I hope that someday soon… The pain inside will stop.” Justin wrapped his arms around his middle, rocking back and forth.

“Are you okay?” Brian checked, tearing his eyes off the road.

A sob caught in Justin’s throat. “It hurts.”

“Where?”

Justin grabbed a fistful of his jacket over his heart. “So much.” He turned to Brian, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “Do you have any good stuff at home? Something to numb me.”

“As much as I’m pro getting stoned, I think you need to sleep this off.”

They reached their destination, and with Brian’s help, Justin got into the elevator, leaning against the wall. He kept his arms wrapped around his middle, swaying.

Brian wondered what the fuck caused Justin to get drunk so badly. It couldn’t be because the fiddler was playing somewhere.

“He cheated,” Justin choked out when they reached Brian’s floor. His words got drowned out by the sound of the elevator door being pulled open.

“What was that?” Brian frowned.

Justin cleared his throat, staring at Brian jiggling his keys in the lock. “I said Ethan cheated!” He shouted.

Brian froze, not expecting anything like that. Instead of feeling bad for Justin, he was happy Justin was experiencing the sentiment first hand. “Now you know how it feels,” he snapped, stomping inside the loft.

“What do you mean?” Justin had expected compassion and hopefully a shoulder to cry on. He’d clearly forgotten who was in front of him.

He stepped inside, shutting the door.

Brian whirled around, sneering. “You know how it feels to have your heart torn apart and ripped to pieces, then stomped on, for good measure!”

Justin’s mouth fell open as he stared in shock at his former lover. Suddenly Brian was talking about feelings.

The raw truth in Brian’s words made Justin’s heart clench and pummel into his stomach. He felt sick, realizing he’d done the very same to Brian, several times, right under his nose.

“You’re such a hypocrite, Justin! Whining to me, out of all people, that your little fiancé cheated on you with the first occasion he escaped this sentimental bullshit’s claws! I always told you it is an illusion!”

Justin wished he hadn’t drunk so much, so he could form coherent sentences and tell Brian how much he regretted leaving.

“Don’t you have anything to say in your defense?” Brian shouted in Justin’s face.

“I’m going to be sick.” Justin dashed in the bathroom’s direction, making it right on time.

As infuriated as he was with Justin at the moment, Brian grabbed a bottle of water and followed the stupid twat to the bathroom. He took pity on the blond boy when he found him slumped against the toilet, sobbing.

“Christ! Get up. You’re pathetic.” Brian pulled him up by the elbow, pushing the bottle in his hands, and flushing the vomit. He led Justin to the bedroom, sitting him on the edge of the bed. “Drink all the water,” he instructed, before disappearing into his closet for clean clothes.

When he returned, it was so quite Brian feared Justin had fallen asleep, or worse, left in his state, but upon close inspection, he found him in the kitchen looking through the cupboards.

“Ransacking my place?” Brian joked.

“I’m hungry.”

“Of course, you are. I have some cookies in the cupboard to your left.”

Justin sketched a small smile, taking the cookies and going to the sofa. “You shouldn’t have brought me here.”

“You wanted to come here. Sorry, you called it ‘home’,” Brian reminded him mockingly.

Justin cringed. “I’m such an idiot. I know it’s going to sound stupid, but if I had this maturity a few months ago, I would have never done anything of what I did.”

“You’ve always been more mature than me, but in this case…yeah, you acted like a brat. You acted your age, Justin.” Brian shrugged, sitting next to him. “It’s one reason I didn’t fight back. You do realize I could have won you back a thousand different ways, and that is without saying the words you want to hear. But I figured you needed this experience.”

“You knew he was going to break my heart.”

“I didn’t know. It’s true, I hoped he’d do something stupid to make you wake up, but never imagined he’d hurt you so badly.”

Justin munched on a cookie. “I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“For…what I’ve done to you. I can’t believe I had the audacity to hurt you so badly. I never wanted to hurt anyone, especially you, Brian.”

“Though, you chose him in the end.”

Justin chuckled nervously. “When I left with Ethan…I wanted to prove to you that it wasn’t you who held the cards—it was me.”

“You always have, Sunshine. From the first night. I only followed along. I broke all my rules for you.”

Justin averted his eyes. “And I broke your heart.” When Brian didn’t answer, Justin realized how true his words were. “You helped me so much. You gave me a roof above my head when my parents kicked me out, you retrieved me from New York and my potentially successful career as a go-go boy, you took care of me in so many ways, you fucking pay for my education…and what do I do? I throw it all away like yesterday’s trash. For what? For romance. You know what? Fuck romance!” Justin snatched the ring off his finger, flinging it across the room with vengeance.

“You might need it in the morning. What would Ian say when you return home bare-handed?”

“I’m not going back. I don’t want anything to do with him.”

“You can’t just disappear on him. Listen, go back, hear what he has to say in his defense, then act.”

“Are you seriously sending me back to him?” Justin gaped at Brian.

“It should be fun. Let him know you were there to see his show, tell him you are jealous of the guy you saw him leaving with….and hear him out. Then, you can punch him for me and tell him to go fuck himself.” Brian smirked, proud of his idea.

“Sounds reasonable.” Justin bit into another cookie, then started chuckling. “I can’t believe I’m getting relationship advice from the man who runs away from commitment.”

“I’m giving you advice on how to break up, you twat! I shouldn’t help, you know? You brought this mess upon yourself. You deal with it.”

“My hero!” Justin leaned closer, kissing Brian’s cheek. “Thank you.”

Brian scowled, playfully pushing Justin away and dusting his shoulder off crumbs. “Can you use a plate like a normal person?”

“Same old argument?” Justin chuckled.

“I’m sincerely surprised Mother Taylor hasn’t taught you any manners.”

oOo

The next morning, Justin woke up with a pounding headache.

He'd offered to sleep on the couch so there wouldn't be any awkward moments, but Brian had pointed to his bed saying it was big enough for both of them not to touch during the night. Justin wasn't surprised that even though they'd fallen asleep on the opposite sides of the bed, they had migrated toward the center. Their feet were tangled up, Justin's head was on Brian's shoulder, and Brian had a possessive hand on his back.

“Shit,” Justin mumbled, disentangling from Brian. As much as he loved being there, he tried to rationalize with himself that he still had a boyfriend and they hadn't broken up yet.

He turned around, swinging his legs off the edge of the bed, wincing at the cold hardwood, but still welcoming the feeling.

On his way to the bathroom, he heard Brian stirring up. Justin knew how adorable and warm and playful Brian was in the morning, so he made his feet move faster toward the bathroom where he locked the door.

“Fuck! Pull yourself together,” he muttered at his reflection in the mirror. After taking two pills from Brian's cabinet and washing them with tap water, he gazed longingly at the shower, but knew he didn't have time for that.

Not showering after secretly meeting Ethan had been one of the triggers to ruin his relationship with Brian. Maybe it would work the other way round, too, Justin mused as he ransacked the cupboards for a spare toothbrush. Not finding one, he decided to ask Brian.

When he left the bathroom, the strong smell of freshly brewed coffee hit him and he followed it like an addict.

“Morning,” Brian said through a yawn. “Feeling better?”

“If feeling like I've been ran over by a train is better, sure. Do you have a spare toothbrush?”

“I didn't see a reason to buy another one when you stole the other.”

“I didn't steal it. It was mine. I took it with me,” he muttered, upset.

“Well, I have only my toothbrush and I'm not giving it to you! Use the mouthwash.”

“As loving as usual.”

After cleansing his mouth several times, Justin managed only a few sips of coffee, before he left in a hurry. He had to get to Ethan's place and change his clothes then attend classes at PIFA, before his shift started at the diner. He had no idea where in that busy schedule of his he'd have time to talk to Ethan.

Justin was relieved when he reached Ethan's place and his boyfriend hadn't arrived yet.

He was getting out of the bathroom after a much needed shower and a thoroughly brushing of teeth, when he found Ethan near the bed.

“Shit! You scared me,” Justin said, running a towel through his hair.

“You sleep in late?” Ethan laughed, coming closer to Justin and hugging him. “Mhmm, you smell so good.”

“It's the new soap,” he answered lamely. “So...had a good trip?” He slipped out of Ethan's embrace, getting dressed for the day.

“I missed you.”

“I bet.”

“I thought of you all the time.”

“You'll tell me all about it tonight. I'm in a hurry now.” Justin pecked Ethan's cheek, rushing to get dressed and leave the potential war zone.

He couldn't escape fast enough and Ethan ended up tagging along, insisting he wanted coffee too. They went to a small coffee shop where Justin couldn't hold his tongue when Ethan kept boasting about his show.

“You had a standing ovation,” Justin muttered.

“Yes!” Ethan beamed. “They gave me roses.”

“White.”

Ethan frowned, following Justin out of the shop. “How did you know?”

“I was there. I even saw your new fan!”

Ethan paled. “That guy? He wanted to know about music.”

Justin scoffed. “Yeah, I bet. You missed me so much that you went with him.”

“Are you jealous?” Ethan teased, hooking his arm under Justin's. “That guy was just a young fan, curious about my music.”

Just like me in the beginning, Justin thought sourly.

“Nothing happened,” Ethan insisted. “You believe me, right?”

“I guess. Look, I'm going to be late. We'll talk tonight.”

Justin's day dragged by and when his classes ended, he went to his shift at the diner. Everyone could tell he wasn't focused on the task at hand.

“That's the third wrong order, Sunshine.” Debbie huffed, hands on her hips. “Care to explain what's distracting you?”

Justin fidgeted, looking at his shoes. “I'm sorry, Deb. I guess I should focus on this more.”

She smiled, patting his cheek. “You miss Ethan, don't you? Why don't you go home early?”

As much as he wanted to protest, Justin accepted her offer.

He was pleasantly surprised when he reached Ethan's studio. Ethan had prepared dinner and greeted him with wine and kisses. It was enough to convince Justin he was paranoid, and that he'd been around Brian too much. He convinced himself Ethan hadn't cheated on him.

“I have a signed contract with Glen. He wants me to start recording as soon as possible!”

“That's great news!” Justin hugged Ethan tightly, kissing him passionately. “I told you. You're amazing.”

“I want the best to work on the cover of my album.”

“Aren't you thinking way ahead? Of course, I'll help you. Until then, you focus on playing.”

They sat at the table, feeding each other, sipping wine, and sharing kisses.

Justin pushed out of his mind what he'd seen in Harrisburg. Until the doorbell rang.

“I'll get that,” he offered, while Ethan was busy opening a new bottle of wine.

Justin's heart pummeled to his stomach when he spotted the same guy Ethan had disappeared with the previous night. He was holding a large bouquet of red roses and wearing a big smile.

“Is Ethan home?” He asked eagerly, not paying any mind to the implications of who'd answered the door.

Justin turned to find Ethan frozen by the table, paler than he'd seen him ever before. “What do you know, Ethan? Here's your new admirer. Shall we invite him in?”

“Justin,” Ethan started on a small voice.

“Maybe it's not a good time...” The young admirer said weakly, taking a step back.

“Oh, leaving so soon?” Justin sneered. “You just arrived.”

The boy dropped the roses, rushing down the stairs.

Justin snatched the roses, before slamming the door shut and facing Ethan. “Nothing happened! I swear to you!” He mocked Ethan. “Do you take me as an idiot, Ethan?”

“I...I missed you!”

“Oh, and when you miss me, you stick your dick in the first available ass?”

“It won't happen again!”

“You're damn right it won't!” Justin shouted.

Ethan sighed in relief, thinking he was on his way of being forgiven. “What can I do so you'll forgive me?”

Justin laughed dryly. “Do you think I can forgive you for cheating on me?”

“Look how many times you forgave Brian!”

“I never forgave Brian!” Justin stomped his foot, angry Ethan was bringing Brian in discussion. “I never had to! He never promised me anything! You did!”

Ethan advanced to Justin, upset. “Would you ever stop defending that jerk?”

Justin ripped the roses in his hands. “That jerk never hurt me like this! I knew from the beginning he didn't do boyfriends! You promised me fidelity! You promised me romance! You promised me LOVE!”

“I made one stupid, tiny mistake!”

“Tiny in your concept. Cheating is a big no in my book, Ethan. I left Brian in hopes to find everything he wouldn't give me. Looks like the joke is on me.”

“I love you, Justin! I gave you everything Brian would never do! And more!”

Justin sneered. “Yeah, more. You got that right. You broke my heart in ways Brian never had.” He sniffed loudly. “You cheated on me the first chance you got. You lied to me when I confronted you. You tried to distract me with a romantic dinner. How stupid do you think I am?”

“It worked, didn't it?”

Justin slapped what was left of the mauled roses to Ethan chest, then snatched the ring off his finger and slapped it on the table, tears splashing next to it.

“What are you doing?” Dread was evident in Ethan's voice.

“What does it look like I'm doing?” Justin pushed his clothes in his trusty duffel bag.

“Don't go! We can talk this out.”

“No, we can't. I have enough dignity left to leave now.”

“Justin, don't do this!” Ethan grabbed Justin's elbow, turning him around. “I'm sorry. It won't happen again.”

“That's bullshit. Get your hands off me!” Justin jerked out of Ethan's grip, slinging the strap of the bag over his shoulder and heading to the door.

“Justin!”

“Stop trying to make me stay! You ruined all my dreams about romance. I see now that I was happy in my relationship with Brian.”

“So you're going back to him?” Ethan snorted. “I guess I was the idiot in this relationship, Justin. I should have known from the beginning I was just a distraction to you—something new to try, then you'd go back to your fucked-up relationship with your Prince Charming.”

“Brian is a thousand times better than you.”

Ethan glared, striding to where Justin was standing near the front door. “Yeah? Does he tell you I love you first thing in the morning? Does he surprise you with breakfast in bed? Does he make love to you?”

Justin swallowed a new round of angry tears. “He might not do all these things, but he's always honest with me. He'd never do anything to hurt me. I know he loves me. He doesn't have to say the words. You know, Ethan, sometimes...actions speak louder than words.”

He turned to leave, but Ethan backed him into the door making the handle dig into his side. Justin gasped, grabbing his side, trying to jerk out of the grasp. “You'll regret this.”

Justin pushed Ethan away, rubbing the bruised spot on his ribs. “What I regret is wasting my time with you.”

He descended slowly, never looking back at Ethan throwing insults after him. Justin's vision blurred when he left the building.

His romance was a big scam. He should have known it would lead nowhere when he started that thing with Ethan. He was too invested in his relationship with Brian, he loved Brian too much, to ever be able to leave him completely and be with anyone else.

Brian was completely right about romance. It was all a lie.

As he walked toward Liberty, Justin became aware his hands itched and upon checking them he noticed the thorns had damaged his skin. There were small punctures everywhere on his hands and they were bloody.

He was two streets away from the diner when a car honked from next to him. By instinct, Justin glanced to his side. Brian was there, his car on idle.

“Hope in.”

“Do you pay well?” Justin joked.

“Stop being a twat and get in before you catch a cold.”

It was then that Justin realized he hadn't bothered to put on a jacket. He shivered as he dived into the passenger seat. “Not a word,” he mumbled.

When Brian listened to him, Justin shot him a surprised look. Brian was staring transfixed at Justin's hands. Slowly, he picked them up off Justin's lap, stroking the injured skin. “What has that asshole done to you?”

“I did this. It's a long story.” When Brian didn't make a move to start driving, Justin sighed. “His admirer brought him roses. I might have ripped them. I didn't feel a thing until I reached this chill outside.”

“Come on, I have something at home. Or...” Brian caught Justin's eyes.

“We broke up.”

“Took you long enough to wake up.” Brian leaned closer, but stopped when he was a breath away.

“Are you seriously asking for permission?” Justin laughed nervously.

Brian pulled away, leaving Justin gaping in surprise. “I'll wait until we get home and you showered. I'm sick of smelling the fiddler on you.”

Justin blushed, turning to look out the window, his vision blurred by tears. “I'm so sorry, Brian.”