Gilead:

The Republic of Gilead, colloquially referred to as simply Gilead, is the totalitarian patriarchal theocracy that rules over most of the territory that belonged to the former continental United States in The Handmaid's Tale.

A theocratic, inner party of men, more appropriately termed a junta called "Committee" appears to be in charge. They rule from Washington, D.C., which is the capital of Gilead and the former United States of America.

Unlike the United States of America, Gilead is not a democratic republic but rather an oligarchic one ruled by the Committee.

Individual civil liberties enumerated in the now-suspended U.S. Constitution have been replaced by a system of duties and privileges implemented in a hierarchy of social classes, with every former U.S. citizen being assigned to a particular class and expected (and/or forced) to fulfill certain roles. Much of this legislation is influenced and justified by a rigid, made-up interpretation of scripture. The name Gilead itself is taken from the Bible, referring to several different locations and individuals and generally translated as "hill of testimony."

In particular, Gilead is a patriarchal society, where only men have access to higher education and only they can hold property, a job, or political positions

Some civil rights however are confirmed or assumed to be suspended for good, e.g. freedom of speech (which is considered heresy), freedom of the press, freedom of religion and freedom of assembly.

It is most likely that the leaders of Gilead are an extremist Christian cult. They believe that their strict interpretation of the Bible is the absolute truth and that in order for people to achieve salvation and live a pure, godly life, they must follow these. To do otherwise is seen as living in sin, and the guilty must either repent, or be put to death to prevent them from spreading their evil influence to others.

Homosexuality, referred to as "Gender Treachery," is considered a sin and a crime punishable by death.

Gilead's leaders are largely just using women and minority groups as scapegoats because they can be easily discriminated against. They are also engaged in mass deportation of Jews from America to Israel, cramming them into cargo ships – though in practice, many transport ships simply cut corners by dumping their holds once they reach the open sea, leaving them to drown by the hundreds.

Whilst some of Gilead's leaders and founders are implied to truly believe in the regime, it is hinted that many of them are hypocrites who use Gilead as a means to gain power for themselves. They do not care for its values and ideals at all, and regularly flout its rules whilst punishing others who do so.

The government of Canada never recognized Gilead as a legitimate nation-state and accepts refugees fleeing from Gilead.

Canadians find themselves in a difficult diplomatic situation, as they are home to a large number of American refugees and U.S. military personnel and are well aware of Gilead's human rights violations, while still trying to avoid open conflict with their southern neighbor. Canada does not desire a war with Gilead, as Gilead is extremely powerful militarily.

https://the-handmaids-tale.fandom.com/wiki/Republic_of_Gilead_(Series)

Chapter 1

Justin sat at the side of the big hospital bed and watched the unconscious form of the man lying in it. He still couldn't believe that he was here and more importantly that the other man was here.

As he watched the the still form on the bed and listened to the regular beeping of the machines connected to the man, he tried to wrap his head around everything that had happened in the last eight hours.

His life had been completely turned upside down and he still couldn't make any sense of it. How was this possible? How did they end up here in this hospital in Toronto after all these years? And when would the man who could give him the answers to his questions wake up?

Justin still remembered how he had gotten the call that had changed his life earlier that day and he sighed when he thought back to everything that had happened since then.

“Yeah?” Justin had just come back into the house after saying goodbye to Gus, waving the boy off as he rode his bike to school, rushing back inside when he heard the phone, frowning at the unknown number that was displayed.

“Is this Justin Taylor?”

“Yes,” Justin replied, wondering who was calling him that early in the day.

“This is Toronto General Hospital...”

Justin's breath quickened and he felt fear grip him. He knew that Gus was fine, the boy had just left two minutes ago, but Ethan had been out for an hour by now on his way to rehearsals with the orchestra. He started shaking in fear, hoping against hope that nothing had happened to his partner on his way into town.

“Is he okay?” Justin just asked, not even listening to what the person was saying, just needing to know. He needed to know that Ethan was alright and that he could breathe again.

“Mr Taylor, as of now, the doctors are still assessing his condition, but it would be good if you could come over. We need you to fill in some paperwork and hope that you can give us some more information. All we could find was a piece of paper with your name and phone number, but nothing else.”

Justin frowned when he tuned in to what the person on the other end was saying and started to process the information. That was weird, why would Ethan have a piece of paper with his name and phone number? He was saved in Ethan's contacts in his phone and listed as Ethan's POA.

“As of now we have no way of identifying him, but we hope that you can help. It seems like he was looking for you or seems to know you. All we know is that he seems to be a refugee from Gilead and was trying to make his way to Toronto.”

“Gilead?” Justin breathed out, feeling another kind of fear grip his heart and soul. It had been months since he had last thought of Gilead and every time thoughts of his former home invaded his mind, he tried to push them as far away as he could and tried to forget them immediately, because all they ever brought with them was pain and more pain. He didn't like thinking of his former home and the life he had to endure there and even less he liked to think about all the people he had lost in and to Gilead. Especially the one person... no, he wouldn't go there. Not now!

He forced himself to take a steadying breath, cursing himself for still giving that dreadful place so much power over him. He had left Gilead five years ago, had a new life now, a life away from all the persecution, hatred and intolerance and he wouldn't be pulled into that black hole of painful memories. Not now.

“Yes, his clothing seems to be that of a Gilead concentration camp inmate. That's all we know for now and we hope that you might be able to help identify this man as he had your contact details. Do you have any connections to Gilead? Do you know anyone from Gilead?”

“I...I am from Gilead. We... I...fled five years ago,” Justin said quietly, forcing himself to stay stronger than he was. Damn, why did just the mention of Gilead fill him with so much dread?

“Oh...,” the voice on the other end stopped for a second, as if unsure how to continue. “I am sorry to hear that, Mr Taylor. That must have been hard,” the voice continued full of sympathy.

Not sure what to respond to statements like that, Justin just stayed quiet. After a few seconds of awkward silence the other person continued.

“I understand how hard and traumatising this must be for you. If... if you don't want to get involved, we can just contact the usual refugee agencies and have them help us identify this man. We just thought that you might be an acquaintance and might be able to help us. Might even know the man as he had a piece of paper with your name and phone number.”

“Uhm,” Justin started, trying to gather his thoughts. There wasn't really anyone in Gilead that he knew anymore. Most people he knew had fled a long time ago or...worse. He didn't think there was anyone left behind that still had a connection to him, most definitely not a man, but maybe...maybe there was someone he wasn't thinking of. “You said it's a man?” He asked, just to confirm that he had remembered correctly.

“Yes, sir. He seems to be in his forties, but it's really hard to tell. You know with the way he has most likely been treated... It's always hard to tell someone's real age.”

Justin nodded to himself, knowing only too well what the person was refering to. If you were a prisoner in Gilead's concentration camps, you would have to fight for every scrap of food you could find. You would fight for your survival every single day and most people would age way beyond their time due to that life. He had seen enough images of refugees arriving in Canada and the condition they had been in, he could still remember the day he and Gus had arrived and what they had looked like, so yes, he understood exactly what the caller meant.

“Uhm, would it be okay if I bring a friend? She works for the International Red Cross and deals with Gilead refugees. She might be able to help if I can't and...,” Justin stopped, not quite sure how to continue.

“Yes, that would be alright. We would be contacting the authorities anyway and the Red Cross would be joining this case anyway.”

Justin remembered when he and Gus had arrived and remembered what Daphne had told him about her job and knew that she and her colleagues would get called in every time a Gilead refugee came to Canada looking for asylum. He was sure that she would be able to help even if he could not. And in any case, she would be great for moral support, depending on who the person was they would be finding.

“Uhm... okay... I'll get there shortly,” Justin said finally, still trying to wrap his head around this call. Who could it be? Why would a refugee from Gilead have his phone number?

“Just ask for Maureen Kelly in the emergency room,” the caller advised and Justin made a note of the name before he ended the call and called Daphne.

Daphne had made it to Canada a year before he and Gus had and had then started dedicating her life to helping other Gilead refugees. Helping them to build a new life in Canada once they had managed to flee the oppressive, Christian fanatic, autocratic country the United States had turned into in the last nine years.

When he called her, she seemed as mystified by the call from the hospital as Justin had been, but agreed to meet him there in an hour nonetheless.

Once at the hospital, the two friends hugged, then made their way to the emergency room, looking for Maureen Kelly.

The doctor welcomed them, gave them a short summary of what they knew, which wasn't much, just what he had already been told on the phone and then led them to a small room where the mysterious patient was lying, attached to machines, obviously unconscious.

The moment Justin entered the room and his eyes set on the still form of the man on the bed, his breath got stuck in his throat and his eyes filled with tears. He started swaying and it was only because of Daphne's quick reaction that he didn't hit the floor. He landed in her arms, a sob escaping his throat as she held him close, still shocked by her best friend's reaction.

As she moved her own eyes to the bed, she immediately understood that reaction and tightened her grip around her friend's shaking body. “No...,” she just stammered in the same shock Justin was feeling.

The doctor eyed both of them with confusion, then took control of the situation. “Are you alright? I take it that you recognise this man?”

Daphne nodded slowly, still staring wide-eyed at the still form on the bed, before turning to Justin. “Jus... come on, take a deep breath.”

“It can't be,” Justin pressed out between sobs. “It can't be... he's... dead...,” he forced himself to say the painful words, words that he had learned to accept a long time ago as the truth once he had been informed that the man on the bed had been killed in an escape attempt from Gilead. Only that there he was, lying on the bed, his chest rising and falling with each breath he was taking.

“I can assure you that he's not,” the doctor informed them silently. “He suffers from hypothermia and is very badly malnourished, his body also shows signs of torture and punishments, but he is alive.”

“Oh God...,” Justin whispered, slowly freeing himself from Daphne's hug as he made his way over to the still form on the bed, taking the badly scratched hand in his own and holding on for dear life.

“Brian...,” he whispered, his eyes settling on the face of the man he had loved more than life itself, the man who had made it possible for him and Gus to make it out of Gilead five years ago, the man who had sacrificed his own freedom, so Justin and Gus would be safe from persecution and oppression. “This can't be...”

“We were told that he had died in an escape attempt from Gilead,” Daphne quietly told the doctor, watching Justin carefully, trying to gauge his reaction to the news that his former lover and Gus' father was very apparently not dead as they had been told by the Gilead resistance. “We believed he had been killed four years ago.”

“I am sorry,” the doctor said with real sympathy, by know very used to all kinds of horror stories about their neighbouring country down south. “I can assure you that with a bit of rest and good care he will be fine. We don't think that there should be any lasting damage, except maybe mentally which at this point we can't say yet. So far he has been unconscious and we don't expect him to wake up for at least another day. His body needs the rest. When he was found, he was half frozen to death, his clothes nearly falling off him and soaked. The police thinks he might have made his way out of Gilead by crossing Lake Ontario by boat and then making his way up to Toronto in search for you, Mr Taylor. Which would explain the piece of paper with your name and phone number. They aren't really sure though at this point and I guess no one will know until he wakes up.”

All this time, Justin hadn't reacted to the conversation behind him, still drinking in Brian's face, unable to believe that his former lover was lying in this hospital bed. He had been told Brian had been killed in an escape attempt four years ago, he had grieved for him, had helped Gus cope with his grief for his father and now here he was.

After the doctor left Justin and Daphne on their own, getting the promise from Daphne that she would help filling in some paperwork later, now that the identity of the mysterious man had been confirmed, Daphne made her way over to Justin's side, wrapping her arms around her friend who still stared at Brian's still form in absolute shock and disbelief.

“Pinch me,” he whispered, his eyes never leaving Brian's form as tears ran down his face.

“Jus...,” Daphne started, but then stopped when he continued speaking in an eerily quiet voice.

“Pinch me, Daph... I... I hoped and prayed and dreamed of this moment for so long, but... he died... they said he had been killed...We... we had the memorial for him and... if this is a dream... I... I am not sure I can deal with it. I am not sure I want to be in a dream this cruel.”

“It's not a dream, Jus. He's really here. It's Brian. He's here,” she said calmly as she ran her hands over her friend's back in a comforting gesture.

“H-how?” Justin just asked, as he leaned in, carefully running a hand through Brian's hair. It looked like Brian alright. A sick, malnourished, suffering version of Brian, but Brian alright. He would recognise that nose, those lips, that neck anywhere.

“I am not sure, Jus. I think only Brian knows the answers to that.”

“God...what... how am I going to tell Gus?” Justin turned to look at her, new tears leaving his eyes. “How am I going to tell him that the father he thought was dead for four years is alive and here and... what about Ethan? How... do I tell him?”

Daphne looked at her friend and could feel his inner turmoil and how it quickly turned into a panic. She took Justin's hand, squeezing it tightly, before she made him look at her. “Don't worry about any of that. Not now. Now just try to process that Brian is alive and here. Everything else will fall into place when it's time.”

Not replying to it, Justin just stared at her as if she was crazy. How could she say something like that? His whole life was falling apart. The whole life that he had built for himself, for himself and Gus was now falling apart with Brian's appearance in Toronto and strangely, he didn't care at all. All he cared about was that the man that he had thought dead for four years wasn't. All he could care about was that Brian was alive. Alive and here. In Toronto. Brian had found him. Just like he had promised five years ago on that fateful night in Buffalo.

Daphne had stayed with him for a couple more hours, helping him get a grip on the situation he now found himself in, before she had promised to take care of Gus while he would stay at the hospital with Brian, trying to process the information that his former lover was alive and not dead as he had thought.

“So it's really true,” a disbelieving voice interrupted his thoughts and called him back to the here and now. He turned around and saw Emmett's shocked form in the doorway.

“Em...,” he sighed, thanking Daphne for calling his old friend. For he was sure that it had been Daphne who had called him. She had always liked Emmett and knew of the bond Emmett and Justin had had for years. Emmett and Ted had also made it out of Gilead years ago and had built new lives in Toronto and Justin and Emmett had tried to stay as close as they could. They didn't nearly meet as often as they had in Pittsburgh, mostly because every meeting brought back bad memories and memories of the ones who hadn't made it and who they had lost, but they tried to stay in touch as much as they could.

“When Daphne said that... I couldn't believe it. I had to see it with my own eyes... h-how is this possible?”

“I don't know,” Justin whispered, hugging his friend as he walked over to his side. “I have no idea, but... he's here. He's really here.”

“That son of a bitch,” Emmett said admiringly, looking at the still form on the bed. “I... I thought he had...”

“Died?” Justin finished, before turning to look back at Brian's unconscious form. “We all did. And now he's here...and...God, he's alive and here.”

“How are you holding up, baby?” Emmett turned to his friend, looking at him worriedly.

Justin shrugged. “I think I am still in shock and trying to process everything. I... can't really wrap my head around it.”

“It's one hell of a shock, that's for sure,” Emmett sighed, before he really looked at Brian and took in his malnourished and sick features. “How is he doing?”

“He's malnourished, has hypothermia and...,” Justin's voice broke as he continued after taking a deep breath, “they found... signs of torture...on him. When he was found, he was wearing concentration camp attire and they think he fled from one and made his way to Toronto by crossing Lake Ontario by boat. But... no one really knows what happened yet...”

Emmett nodded quietly, not really surprised by what Justin was telling him. They had all heard the stories about what was going on in Gilead, how undesirables like homosexuals and jews and black people were treated by the new government in place. They had all heard the horrific stories of what went on in those camps from refugees that had made it out and while each account was still shocking and terrifying, by now they were hardly surprising anymore. “I am so sorry, baby...”

Justin nodded, then turned his attention back to Brian's still form, once again running his hand through the older man's hair.

Emmett immediately recognised the old familiarity and tenderness in Justin's touch and couldn't help but smile at the scene that he was witnessing.

“I... I just hope that he's okay...,” Justin whispered, his voice choked up by his emotions.

“He is Brian fucking Kinney. Of course he'll be. If anyone will be fine, it will be him,” Emmett assured his younger friend, though he sounded far more cheery than he really felt. He knew that whatever Brian had been through couldn't have been easy and it wouldn't be easy to move on from.

“I... I don't know what to do, Em. How do I tell Gus? What do I tell him?” Justin looked at his friend from pleading eyes, pleading with him to give him some advice.

“The truth, baby. He deserves to know the truth about his father being alive.”

Justin agreed, but still didn't know how to tell the boy something as big as this. “We... we grieved for him...we had the memorial and all and... damn, it was so hard to move on... I thought I was dying and taking care of Gus was the only thing that kept me going. I knew I owed it to Brian and his memory to make sure that Gus was okay and...,” Justin stopped as new tears ran down his cheeks.

“And you did it. Gus is a great, smart boy. You moved on, you kept on living. Both of you,” Emmett said, squeezing Justin's shoulder. “Brian would have wanted that for you.”

“But... now he's here and...I... I mean Ethan and,” Justin started, not quite sure how to go on.

He had met Ethan two years ago and it had taken him a long time before he had opened himself up to the idea of having a relationship with the other man. They had met in a self-help group for grieving men of all places, both having lost loved ones in Gilead and their shared grief had connected them and slowly but surely a relationship had grown between them. Back then Justin had felt like he was betraying Brian's memory by starting to date another man, but everyone he knew had encouraged him, had told him that it was okay to move on and that Brian would want him to live life to the fullest. And after a long time he had finally believed what they had said and had opened himself up to a new relationship with Ethan. And now Brian was back. God, what was he supposed to do?

“Baby, don't worry about that now. Just take each day as it comes and... for today, just be happy that he's alive and here.”

“I am so confused, Em. I... I don't know what to do...,” Justin admitted, his voice sounding weak to his own ears.

“For now, there's not much you can do here. You'll go home and you'll talk to Gus and Ethan. Give them the news of what happened today. And then... whatever happens... you'll take it one day at a time. All of us will. And you're not alone. You know that Daph and I are here to help you, baby.”

They stayed for another hour, silently talking at Brian's bedside, before the nurse informed them that visiting hours were over for the day and Brian was not expected to wake up until at least mid-day the next day.

Justin reluctantly left Brian's side, before he went home, the whole ride home trying to think about how he would tell his partner and Gus what had happened that day. He knew that nothing would ever be the same as it had been that morning before he had received the call.

Chapter 2

“Justin, hey, are you alright?” Ethan welcomed him with a worried look on his face as Justin entered the house through the kitchen door that was connected to their garage. “Where have you been? Where is Gus?”

“Gus is with Daphne. She offered to take him to see a movie,” Justin said as if on autopilot as he moved further into the house and got out of his jacket and shoes.

“Are you okay? What's going on?” Ethan asked worriedly, immediately noticing that something was off. Not only was it weird that Justin would be out so late in the evening without leaving a note or a message on his voicemail, but it was also weird that Daphne would take Gus out on a school night. Not even speaking of how Justin had avoided to meet his eyes when he had talked to him.

Justin sighed, thinking to himself that both questions really weren't that easy to answer and he had no idea where to start.

“Ethan, we... we need to talk,” Justin said seriously, before he sat down at the kitchen table.

“Okay...,” Ethan looked at Justin from worried eyes, before he moved over and sat down at the kitchen table himself. “What's going on? You're worrying me here, Jus...”

“I got a call this morning... from Toronto General Hospital.”

“Hospital? Is everything okay? Did someone get injured? Was there an accident?” Ethan immediately worried, wondering who could have been in that accident. Justin had already mentioned that Daphne was out at the movies with Gus.

“Brian... he's alive,” Justin whispered, not meeting Ethan's eyes, not sure he wanted to see the reaction to this news on his partner's face.

“Brian? But... he...,” Ethan started, then stopped when he saw Justin's pained expression. He knew all about Brian. After all he and Justin had met at the grief counselling group. He knew that Brian was Justin's former partner and Gus' father and he knew that Brian had been killed in an attempt to flee Gilead four years ago.

“Yeah, we all thought he was...dead. Turns out he's not. He managed to escape from a Gilead concentration camp and made his way North to Toronto.”

“Wow...,” was all Ethan could say to that, trying to get a grip on his emotions. He could see how shell-shocked and confused Justin seemed and if he was honest, he felt quite the same. His partner's former lover, who they had all thought was dead wasn't and turned up alive in Toronto. “How is he?”

“He's unconscious. Malnourished, has hypothermia and... they say he has been tortured,” Justin said quietly, looking at his hands on the table when he spoke. “He... he looked so weak and sick...”

“Jus, I... I am so sorry,” Ethan said sincerely, only knowing too well about all the stories from Gilead. Hell, he himself had flown Gilead and lost his former boyfriend to a concentration camp there. He knew what they did in those places and he felt for everyone who had to go through that.

“Will he be alright?”

“They think so, yeah.”

“That's good,” Ethan said, taking Justin's hand and giving it a squeeze. “How did they know to contact you?” He asked after a while of silence in which they each hung on to their own thoughts.

“He had a piece of paper with my name and phone number on him when they found him. That's why the hospital called me.”

“Your phone number?” Ethan frowned. “If he had your number, why didn't he call you before?”

“I don't know...,” Justin sighed, slowly raising his head to meet Ethan's worried gaze. “I... I don't know. I... I have no idea and as long as he's unconscious, I don't think we'll find out.”

Ethan nodded, realising that Justin was right. Brian was probably the only one who would have the answer to that. He gave Justin's hand another squeeze, before he spoke again, his voice showing how worried he was for his partner. “And you? Are you okay? How are you holding up?”

“I... I don't know,” Justin admitted. “I am confused and... I think I am still in shock...”

“Of course.”

“How do I tell Gus?” Justin raised his eyebrows in question.

“We will tell him the truth, Jus. He's old enough to understand.”

“He's twelve, Ethan. I don't understand. How is he supposed to understand that the father he thought was dead is not and is now here in the same city as he is?”

“Jus,” Ethan sighed, trying to put his thoughts into words. “Gus is a resilient kid. He's been through more than any kid should ever have gone through in life and he has always kicked back and come out of it stronger. He knows about Gilead, he knows why you fled and why it was just you and him when you made it to Toronto. You have always been honest with him, just continue like that and he will be fine.”

“I don't know...”

“Jus, we can't keep this from him. He deserves to know that Brian is alive,” Ethan argued, wanting to make sure that Justin understood that he would not stand for lying to the boy. Gus was not his son, but he had come to care a great deal about the boy who had come as a package deal with Justin and he had always been impressed by how astute he was and how well he had bounced back from whatever bad news he had received in his young life.

“I know... I fucking know, Ethan. I... I just don't know what to tell him,” Justin sighed, pulling his hand from Ethan's grasp and burying his head in his hands. “What... what if Brian... is not the same anymore? What... what if he's so traumatised by what happened in Gilead and...maybe we should just wait and see first.”

“Jus, don't! You know that Gus deserves to know. He has a right to know that his father is alive and... if any of your fears turn out to be true, we'll deal with it and will help him deal. He'll be fine, but he needs to know.”

After the longest time, Justin nodded. “I know,” he only whispered, before he took a deep breath. “This is not how I imagined my day to go, you know?” He said sadly, before he looked up again and met Ethan's eyes.

“Did you manage to finish the painting?” Ethan knew that Justin had wanted to finish a commission that day and had been quite excited about it getting finished.

Justin just shook his head. “No... I got the call pretty much the moment Gus left for school. And then... I headed straight for the hospital.”

“They will understand,” Ethan said, refering to the wealthy couple from Pittsburgh that had commissioned the painting, wanting to support an artist from their old home. They had bought several of Justin's pieces before and had become quite friendly with him over the last couple of years.

“I know, it's just that when I got up this morning, life seemed so easy, you know? Gus had school, you were at rehearsals, I was supposed to paint and now... everything's turned upside down and confusing and... I feel like I am in this hole and just keep falling and falling and there's no end in sight.”

“Jus...you'll be fine. You just need time to process that he's alive. Everyone would need that. I mean... I know how you grieved for him, I know how much you loved him. Of course you would be shaken by finding out that he is alive. It's only normal.”

Justin looked at Ethan and couldn't help but smile at his partner. “How can you be this understanding?”

“Because I can imagine what it must feel like for you. I know the pain and suffering and I guess... we have all wished at one point or another to be told that it wasn't true that they had died, but now, that it has happened for you, of course it's confusing. Your life went on. You moved on and now, he's here and...,” Ethan stopped, looking at Justin from calm, understanding eyes. “And you're feeling guilty for having moved on.”

“Ethan, I...”

“Jus, I would feel the same. You don't have to explain. Really, you don't.”

Justin hung his head, feeling bad that Ethan had been able to read him that easily. Because he had been right. Justin felt bad and guilty for having moved on. Yes, he had been told that Brian was dead and it had taken him a long time to move on from that, it wasn't like he had just jumped into the next man's bed, but now that Brian was alive and... had been in a Gilead concentration camp, how could Justin not feel guilty for having been happy with Ethan and Gus? For having had a good life with a loving partner and his former partner's son? How could he not feel fucking guilty for having been happy when Brian had been tortured and god knows what?

“I am sorry, I can't help it.”

“I know,” Ethan said quietly, looking at his partner from understanding eyes. “That's normal. I would be more worried if we would carry on as if nothing had happened and you wouldn't seem to care about Brian being alive.”

“Ethan, I love you,” Justin said sincerely, meeting his partner's eyes.

“I know, and I know that you love Brian, too. I have always known,” Ethan said with a small smile. “Just like I will always love you, but also love Sam.”

Sam had been Ethan's boyfriend in Gilead who had been killed when they had tried to flee to Canada six years ago.

“Don't feel bad about that, Jus. You are only human and he has been your partner for years. Of course you love him.”

“Then why does it feel wrong?”

Ethan shrugged. “That's just what you are telling yourself. There is nothing wrong with loving Brian and being happy about the news that he's alive. Like I said, I would be more worried if you didn't care.”

At that point they were interrupted by Gus and Daphne coming home from their movie outing.

Ethan gave Justin's hand one more encouraging squeeze, before he got up and welcomed them both. When he met Daphne's questioning gaze, he gave her a quick nod, indicating that he knew what was going on. She sighed quietly and nodded back at him, before her gaze turned to Justin and immediately became concerned.

“Hey, partner. How was your day? Did you have fun at the movies?” Ethan greeted Gus, trying to act as normal as he could.

“It was good. Daphne said that you and Jus were busy, so she took me to the movies. Is everything alright? I thought I would come home right after school?”

Gus' gaze went from Ethan to Justin, who was still sitting at the table, now being hugged by his best friend. When Gus saw the hug and the way Justin was leaning into it, he got the feeling that something was wrong. Daphne had been slightly off, less chatty and happy than usual, but he had just assumed that she might have been stressed because she had been called in to babysit him on such short notice. Now he couldn't help but wonder if maybe something else was going on.

As he looked back to Ethan, he saw the worried gaze he cast in Justin's direction and frowned. “Is everything okay?”

“Hey Gus,” Justin said, trying to sound as cheerful as he could. “Why don't you come and sit down with me?”

Justin nodded at the table and Gus slowly walked over and plopped down in one of the chairs.

“Are you alright?”

“I am... I think I am...It's just that something happened today, Gus and... I am not quite sure how to tell you.”

Gus looked confused and felt more confused when he saw Daphne leaning against the kitchen counter looking at them all from concerned eyes as Ethan made his way over to the kitchen table and sat down next to him, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

“You're scaring me,” Gus said honestly, looking from one adult to the next.

“I am sorry, Gus. We don't mean to scare you,” Justin started, reaching out a hand to run through the boy's auburn hair that was so much like his father's.

“What is going on?” The boy asked once more, again looking from Justin to Ethan and back.

“Gus... I got a call this morning from a hospital here in town.”

“Is someone hurt? Who?” Gus immediately went through a list of people in his head and worried that something might have happened to them.

“Everyone is fine, Gus. No need to worry,” Ethan assured him immediately, seeing the worry on the boy's face and wanting to calm him down before he worried more than was necessary.

“But... why would the hospital call you then?”

“They found someone. Someone who had a piece of paper with my name and my phone number... someone who had fled from Gilead, Gus,” Justin told him quietly as he felt new tears come to his eyes.

“Gilead?” Gus' eyes widened and his voice sounded immediately scared. Gus could still remember some of his life in Gilead and how they had fled. He could still remember the night he had seen his Dad for the last time when he and Justin had fled to Canada and his Dad had stayed behind to make it possible for them to flee. He could still remember the stories Justin and Ethan had told him about his former home country and why they had all become refugees in Canada and most of all he could remember how his Dad had died when he had tried to flee Gilead four years ago. He didn't have any fond memories of Gilead and all that name did was bring back painful memories and an underlying sense of fear that he always felt when he heard it.

“Gus, your Dad... he's alive,” Justin whispered through his tears, looking at the small boy from pained eyes.

“N-no... he died... he's dead. You told me,” Gus immediately responded, before he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. When he looked up, he saw Daphne's sad face looking down at him.

“We all thought he was, Gus. We all believed what we had been told, but he is not. He's alive and he's here in Toronto...”

Gus couldn't believe it. He just shook his head over and over. His Dad alive? That couldn't be. He had been told his Dad had died. He had seen Justin break down at the memorial they had had for his Dad. He had seen how sad everyone had been that day. He knew that his Dad had died. Why were they telling him otherwise now?

“This is not funny... if you think it is, it's not,” Gus angrily exclaimed, looking at all of them from furious eyes.

“Gus, please,” Justin started, slowly getting up and coming over to give his surrogate son a hug. When Gus moved away from Justin's touch and avoided the hug, Justin continued speaking.

“It's not a joke, Gus. Until this morning I thought your father was dead. We all did. Everyone believed he had died, but... I have seen him. He's not dead. He managed to flee Gilead and he is here in Toronto now...”

“Then I want to see him,” Gus said, still glaring at the adults in the room.

“We can't right now, Gus. Hospital visiting hours are over for the day. I will take you tomorrow to see him. I promise,” Justin said seriously, kneeling down at Gus' side.

“I want to see my Dad,” Gus' angry voice replied, glaring at Justin as if it was his fault that hospital visiting hours were over.

“Hey, buddy. We know you do. We understand. We can't tonight though. Like Justin said, we'll take you to see him tomorrow. Promise!” Ethan said quietly, rejoining the conversation, seeing the pain in the small boy that he had come to care for so much.

“I want to see my DAD,” Gus repeated once more, this time yelling the word Dad at the people around him. “I WANT TO SEE MY FATHER!” He started screaming over and over again, before angry tears ran down his face.

Justin's heart broke when he saw Gus' reaction, knowing only too well how confused and heartbroken the little boy had to feel. He could still remember every single of Gus' tears after he had told him that Brian had died and he didn't need to stretch his imagination much to understand what the boy was going through. He was going through the same himself.

“Gus, please,” Justin whispered as he once more tried to engulf the boy in a hug. This time Gus didn't fight him and just allowed the hug. His screaming slowly stopped and turned into sobbing and crying and Justin just held on tightly as he held the small boy in his arms who was sobbing over and over that he wanted to see his father.

“I know, Gus. You can see him tomorrow. I promise,” Justin repeated over and over, making the same promise again and again until Gus started to quiet down in his arms. “Your Dad is sleeping now. He's been unconscious all day and he's very weak. He needs a lot of sleep to get his strength back.”

“Is he hurt?” Gus asked after a couple of minutes of silence in which he had just clung to Justin and had cried silently in his surrogate father's arm.

“The doctors don't seem to think so. They just think that he needs a lot of rest and good food to get his strength back, but Gus... remember what we talked about before? When people come here from Gilead... Most of them have made it through a very bad and hard time. Your Dad... he might not be as you remember him from before we left.”

Justin didn't know what had made him say that, but he just needed for Gus to know that Brian might not be the same person he had been before. Nobody knew what had happened to him in Gilead and what he had been through and only God knew of the trauma Brian might have had to endure. He needed Gus to be prepared for that.

“I don't care,” Gus replied quietly, still hiding his face in Justin's shoulder. “I just want to see my Daddy...”

Justin's heart broke at the small voice with which Gus had spoken and he could only hug the boy closer. “Tomorrow, I promise.”

After another hour of trying to console Gus and trying to talk him through what the next day might bring, they had finally gotten the boy into bed where he had fallen into a restless sleep. Justin had stayed at his bedside for several hours, just watching the boy, hanging on to his own thoughts, not noticing how both Ethan and Daphne had watched the pair of them with obvious worry from the doorway to Gus's room.

Neither of them knew what the next day would bring, but each one of them was acutely aware of how their lives had changed forever that day. They could only hope that they would make it through these changes in one piece. Only time would tell.

Chapter 3

After a night with very little sleep involved for everyone, Gus, Justin and Ethan had a silent breakfast in their kitchen the next morning. As they had promised Gus that he would be allowed to see his father that day, Ethan called the school and told them that Gus was sick and wouldn't be coming in for classes that day.

Normally, Justin and Ethan wouldn't allow Gus to skip classes, both of them always insisting on the importance of school and a good education, but everyone was acutely aware of how nothing about their situation was normal at all right then.

They had promised Gus that they would take him to see Brian and there was no way they could go back on that promise now. Under the current circumstances, missing a day in school was probably the least of their problems.

Once everyone was ready to leave for the hospital, Ethan hung back in the kitchen, cleaning up their plates and cups from their barely touched breakfast.

“Ethan, are you coming?” Justin asked as he put on his jacket, ready to grab the car keys from the counter.

“Jus,” Ethan started, looking at his partner of the last two years from serious eyes. “I don't think I should come along.”

“What?” Justin frowned, not having expected to hear those words out of Ethan's mouth. He had just assumed that Ethan would be coming along, woud be there to support him and Gus on this difficult day. “Why not?”

“I think it's important that you and Gus go on your own. This... Brian... he's your former partner and Gus' father. I think this is something the two of you need to do.”

“Ethan, I...,” Justin started, but wasn't quite sure what to say. He still felt too surprised by what Ethan had said.

“The two of you grieved for him together and made it through that difficult time together. I don't think I should be there when Gus sees his father again for the first time. I... don't think there should be any extra tension. It will already be hard enough without me there,” Ethan said quietly.

“But... I need you... We need you,” Justin stuttered, still trying to wrap his head around what Ethan was saying.

“And I will be here, waiting for you both when you get back,” Ethan promised, walking over and tenderly kissing Justin's lips. “I will be here, waiting for you to come back and will support you in any way I can, but... I think me being at the hospital will only cause more harm than good.”

“No, I mean...why would you think that?” Justin still felt confused, slowly understanding though what Ethan might be refering to.

“Justin, you and I both know what I am talking about. Brian is expected to wake up today. Don't you think that will be shocking and confusing enough on its own even without me there? How do you want to explain who I am? Is this really a conversation for the first day he wakes up and sees you and Gus again? God knows what he has been through to make it here... Shouldn't we... wait a bit before we drop that bomb on him as well?” Ethan explained his reasoning calmly, his gaze never breaking from Justin's, his hand caressing the blond's cheek the whole time he spoke.

“But,” Justin started, then closed his eyes and hung his head. He knew that Ethan was right. He knew that he couldn't just drop the bomb on Brian that he had a new partner, someone Gus considered as much a parental figure as he did Justin. “Fuck... This is all so messed up...,” the younger man sighed, only to be pulled into a crushing hug by his partner.

“I know that none of this is easy, but... we shouldn't make it harder than it needs to be. For now, I'll be here to support you and Gus in any way you need, but I think it will be easier for everyone if I don't show up at the hospital just yet, wouldn't you agree?”

“No... I mean... yeah, I guess. I guess I can see what you're saying, but... I am with you, Ethan. It is what it is and I love you,” Justin whispered. “I need you.”

“I love you, too. You know that I love both you and Gus, but... do we really need to shove it down Brian's throat like this? By me being in the hospital as well? Don't you think this is something that you and he should talk about first before he sees me and meets me?”

Justin pulled back from the hug and ran a hand through his blond hair. “Why does all of this feel so wrong all of a sudden?”

“Justin, you moved on. I am sure it's what Brian would have wanted for you and Gus. It's what happens after people receive traumatic news. They work through it and then finally start moving on. You did nothing wrong, we did nothing wrong. You thought that Brian was dead, you worked through your grief and moved on. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to blame yourself for, but... we don't even know what state Brian will be in. We can only imagine what he has been through in Gilead and on his way here. We should give him some more time to get to know your new life and reality. None of this needs to be dealt with on the first day he wakes up. That should be for him to see you and Gus and to realise that he has made it to a safe place. Everything else... it will come later when it's time,” Ethan reasoned and Justin knew deep down that the other man was right.

Ethan had a point. God knew what Brian had been through. God knew what Brian's mental state would be once he woke up. Seeing him and Gus would be more than enough for his first day waking up. Everything else could wait until the time came to tell him the truth about what their life in Canada was like now.

And even though he knew that Ethan was right and that he hadn't done anything wrong, it still felt so wrong to Justin. How was he supposed to tell Brian that unlike the promise he had made that fateful night he hadn't waited for him? That he had moved on and had found someone new. Someone he loved and who loved him and Gus. That they had built a life together. A happy life that didn't include Brian because they had thought Brian had been dead. And now he wasn't and their lives had just moved on while leaving Brian behind.

Justin felt so guilty as he imagined what all of this would look like to Brian once he found out. He knew that Brian would be hurt. Who wouldn't be? And the last thing that Justin ever wanted to do, after everything Brian had done for him and Gus that night, was to hurt him. And now he had probably hurt him more than anything without even knowing that he had hurt him.

God, this whole situation was so messed up. He wished it wasn't like this and that they could have just had the reunion he had dreamt of for the first year after he and Gus had arrived in Canada. When he had hoped and prayed that Brian would find a way out of Gilead as well and would make it to Canada as well to join them. But none of that had happened and then he had been informed by the resistance that Brian had died trying to flee Gilead. Only that he hadn't and was alive and in Toronto now.

Justin nodded slowly, finally having made sense of his thoughts, at least for the moment. “Okay... you'll be here when we get back?” He asked, wondering why his voice sounded so insecure all of a sudden.

“Of course. There's nowhere I'd rather be,” Ethan promised, before leaning in once more for a gentle kiss.

When the kiss ended, Justin smiled slightly at the older man, running a gentle hand through his dark locks. “Thanks. I know this can't be easy for you either and I appreciate your support. I really do.”

“I love you,” Ethan whispered, looking at Justin from loving eyes, his eyes shining that bit more when Justin returned the sentiment.

A few minutes later Justin and Gus left what had become their home and made their way to the hospital. Once they got there, they made their way down the corridors to what was Brian's room in complete silence, none of them really knowing what was there to say.

When they stood outside the door to Brian's room, Justin turned around and looked at Gus, who was tense and beyond nervous. His jaw was so tight, it almost looked painful to Justin.

“You okay, Gus?” Justin asked gently, resting a supportive hand on the boy's shoulder.

Gus only nodded, before he turned to look at Justin from glassy eyes. “I... I feel like this is a dream and I am so scared of waking up. I don't want to wake up.”

“It's not a dream, Gus. It's really true. And I am here with you, okay? You're not alone,” Justin said quietly, giving the boy's shoulder an encouraging squeeze before he slowly opened the door.

They quietly made their way into Brian's room and both of them were slightly disappointed to find Brian still asleep in his bed. Though maybe disappointed was not the right word. Justin wasn't really sure what he felt, because to some degree he also felt grateful for Brian not being conscious yet. At least that way they didn't have to talk and wouldn't have to talk about potentially painful topics. As long as Brian was just lying there, sleeping peacefully thanks to the drugs he had been given, everything was still okay and they were fine.

Gus stopped in his tracks when he recognised the form on the bed and realised that Justin and everyone else hadn't been lying. That was his father. His dad. The man he had thought had been dead was lying in a hospital bed just across the room and his chest was slowly rising and falling with the rhythm of his steady breaths.

Justin stopped when Gus stopped and turned to the boy by his side. “You okay, Gus?” He asked gently, looking at the boy in obvious concern.

“It's... it's... really him,” Gus whispered as if still not able to believe what he was seeing.

“It is. I know it's a shock, but it is him, Gus. It's your dad.”

They slowly continued their way to the bed and Justin watched carefully as Gus slowly stepped up to where Brian's head lay, drinking in the features of the father he had missed and mourned so much.

He watched as Gus gently ran his hand down Brian's cheek and through his hair, careful not to disturb the sleeping man, but needing to make sure that it was really him. Justin could understand that so well, he had done the same so many times the day before, needing to prove to himself that the man in the bed was really Brian.

“What happened to his face?” Gus asked quietly, his voice hardly above a whisper when his fingers stopped over a scar on Brian's left cheek that looked like it had been there for a long time already and then moved on to some fresh cuts and bruises on his forehead and nose.

“I don't know, Gus. Nobody knows. We can only guess that something must have happened in Gilead.”

“I hate Gilead,” Gus said angrily, once more tenderly caressing the scar on Brian's left cheek.

“I know,” Justin said solemnly. “We all do. It's a horrible place and it's a good thing that your dad has found a way out.”

“I am glad he's here. I am glad he's not dead, but here. I missed him so much,” Gus whispered, before new tears ran down his face and a sob wracked his small body.

Justin felt his own tears sting behind his eyes and knew that more tears would be coming soon, as he engulfed the small boy in a crushing hug. “I know...I missed him, too. You have no idea, Gus.”

They stayed like that for a long time, watching the slow rise and fall of Brian's chest in silence, before they were interrupted by Brian's doctor doing her rounds.

She led Justin to a corner of the room so they could talk without Gus hearing them and she told him that they expected Brian to wake up soon and that maybe, it would be better for Gus not to be there when Brian first woke up.

Justin agreed with her, knowing that as of now they would have no idea of the mental state Brian would be in. Nobody knew how traumatised he might be and it just wouldn't do for Gus to see Brian like that.

At least if they knew what they were dealing with, they would be able to prepare him for what he was about to see, but at this point, nobody knew and the last thing Justin wanted to do was to shock the poor boy even more.

Justin took Gus to the side and quietly explained to him what the doctor had said earlier, reminding Gus of what he had been told the night before, that they never knew how someone who had made it out of Gilead was really doing and that Brian might not be the same person he had been before.

The small boy objected and was ready to fight for his right to be at his father's side when he woke up, but in the end Justin put down his foot and insisted that Gus would not be present when Brian woke up. He promised him that he would be allowed to see Brian later, once they knew what they were dealing with, but that it would just be Justin and the doctor when Brian woke up.

It was obvious that Gus wasn't happy about this turn of events, but in the end he followed the nurse who took him down to the cafeteria to get some lunch for him while Justin and the doctor waited for Brian to wake up.

Justin felt slightly bad for kicking Gus out like that, but he knew that it was the right thing to do. One day Gus would understand that as well. And as he had promised the younger boy, he would be allowed to see Brian again, they just needed to know how Brian was doing first.

Sitting at Brian's bedside, watching how his eyelids fluttered and he became slightly more agitated by the minute, Justin knew that Brian waking up was only a matter of minutes. He looked at the doctor with a question in his eyes and when the doctor nodded her approval, he leaned over and took Brian's hand in his own, squeezing it gently, speaking quietly to the older man.

“Hey Brian...shhhh... it's okay. It's okay. You're safe. There is nothing to worry about. Shhhhh, calm down. Everything is alright. I am here,” he finished, giving Brian's hand in his another squeeze, not able to hide his smile when he felt the larger hand squeeze his back.

“Yeah, that's it. Wake up, sleepy-head. I've been waiting a long time to see your eyes again. Don't make me wait any longer,” he tried to joke, trying to sound as lighthearted as he could muster.

Brian's head turned in the direction where Justin's voice was coming from and Justin could see that Brian was fighting to wake up.

Taking his free hand and running it across Brian's forehead, Justin continued whispering. “I am here, Brian. It's okay. You're safe. Wake up. It's not a dream. You can wake up. I am here.”

He watched as Brian's mouth opened slowly at the same time as his eyes fluttered even more wildly, clearly fighting to be opened any second and a sob escaped him when he heard the first word that made it through those lips he had loved to kiss so much.

“S-sun-sh-ine,” the ragged voice whispered and Justin couldn't help the tears that ran down his face at hearing the name he hadn't heard in years from the man he had loved more than life itself and he had honestly never expected to hear that name from those lips ever again. But here he was and here he had heard it. The voice he had loved so much calling him with a name that had always been so special for them.

“Yeah, I am here. I am here, Brian. It's me. I am here.”

Justin couldn't help but gasp when hazel eyes slowly opened to reveal themselves and started focusing on where his voice was coming from.

It seemed like it was happening in slow motion, but suddenly their eyes met and both men felt the significance of that moment.

“Hey,” Justin tried to sound as cheerful as he could as he locked eyes with Brian's hazel ones, smiling at him through his tears that were now flowing unhindered. “There you are,” he whispered, not able to resist running a hand down Brian's cheek in a gentle caress.

Justin saw the moment Brian fully grasped his presence and that it was really him and wasn't surprised when he saw tears in those hazel eyes that had always been a window to Brian's soul. At least when you knew Brian and could see past the facade. He could easily see the disbelief and doubt in those eyes, so Justin gave Brian his best sunshine smile before he spoke again.

“It's me, Brian. I am here. And so are you. You are safe. You made it. You're safe and this is real. It's not a dream,” Justin promised, never breaking their connection with their eyes.

“Wh-ere?” Brian asked, never leaving Justin's eyes, hungrily drinking in the vision of the man in front of him. A man he had never thought he'd ever see again and now here he seemed to be. Right in front of him and he was telling him that he was safe. That they both were.

“Toronto,” Justin just replied, never letting go of Brian's hand in his and never stopping his caress of Brian's cheek. “You made it to Toronto and you found us.”

“Gus?” Brian asked, looking around the room, only seeing Justin and some woman he didn't know who was wearing what looked like hospital scrubs.

“He's here. He's just having some lunch. He will be back shortly and he can't wait to see you.”

Justin watched as Brian's eyes closed in what seemed to be relief and he could understand that so well. “It's okay. We're alright. You are alright. Everyone's safe,” Justin said once more, watching as Brian nodded, slowly starting to accept what Justin was saying.

At that point the doctor interrupted and told them that she would need to examine Brian further, now that he was conscious and would be able to give her some answers to some of the questions she had.

Justin saw immediately how Brian's body tensed up and he frowned at that reaction. “Shhhhh, it's okay. It's okay, Brian. She won't hurt you. She's here to help you.”

Brian's eyes opened slowly and Justin could easily see the fear in them which made him wonder what might have happened to the older man to cause a reaction like that. He didn't really want to think about it too much, knowing that he wouldn't like whatever answer he might come up with.

“I'll wait outside,” Justin offered, giving Brian a gentle smile and slowly pulling back from his place at Brian's side, totally not expecting what was happening next.

He felt his hand being held tightly, nearly crushed by Brian's bigger hand that was holding on to it and heard a fearful yet very forceful “NO” from the older man.

“Brian... it's okay. She's here to help you. You're safe,” Justin repeated once more, shocked by Brian's strong reaction to him leaving the room for the exam.

Brian just shook his head and repeated his “No” over and over again.

Not knowing what else to do, Justin turned to the doctor helplessly, looking to her for some advice. In the end the doctor nodded to him, indicating that he should stay as it would be best for Brian and for her to finish the exam.

“You can stay, if Mr. Kinney wants you to stay. That will be alright.”

“You hear, Brian? I'm staying. I'm not going anywhere, okay?” Justin said, looking at the older man in the bed who was still beyond tense and obviously scared.

The tension slowly started to leave Brian's body and after what felt like an eternity he finally nodded. “Okay,” he said in a very small voice that was so unfamiliar to Justin. Brian had always been strong, had always stood up for what he believed in and he just wasn't used to seeing Brian this scared and fearful. He didn't want to imagine what could have brought on this change in Brian.

The doctor continued with her exam and took Brian's vitals, asking him some questions about some bruises and scratches that he had.

Brian answered her slowly, as if wondering if he should or not, but with slight encouragement from Justin, he answered her and they got through the exam.

Chapter 4

After the exam the doctor had left the room, leaving Justin and Brian alone.

Justin had noticed that during her exam the doctor had only checked Brian's vitals and had asked him about new wounds like bruises and scratches, but hadn't asked him about any of his older wounds that she had mentioned to Justin the day before, the ones she had thought could have been the result of torture.

The more Justin thought about why she hadn't mentioned any of those wounds, the more he realised that she probably hadn't because of Brian's scared reaction to her presence and her exam. She had probably realised how fearful he was and had deemed that just a quick exam would be enough for her scared patient at this point. At least that's what Justin thought.

He looked at Brian, who looked exhausted and ready to drift off again, once the doctor had left the room.

“You okay?” he asked quietly, looking at the older man in concern.

Brian hadn't said anything since the exam had ended and the doctor had left them, just staring straight ahead for most of the time. He hadn't shown any reaction when the doctor had given an update on his condition, explaining that he was very malnourished and would need lots of fluids, vitamin shots and a healthy diet to get him back on track.

He had just sat there and taken it all in without any visible reaction, but Justin had seen the way the tension had left Brian's body the moment the doctor had left the room.

“Don't like doctors,” Brian murmured, trying to shrug it off nonchalantly without much success.

Knowing that something must have happened to Brian in Gilead and not knowing if he himself was really ready to find out yet, much less knowing if Brian was ready to share what he had been through, Justin just nodded and decided to leave it at that for now, giving them all some kind of reprieve by changing the topic of conversation to something safer for the moment.

“Why don't you try to catch some more sleep and get some rest and I'll get Gus? He should be finished with lunch by now and is probably dying to see you.”

Justin watched as Brian nodded, before he settled down in the pillows and closed his eyes. Not quite sure what to make of Brian's lack of words, but knowing that Brian had never been one to talk much about his feelings, he just sighed quietly, hoping that whatever the next couple of days would bring would be alright and that they would all be fine.

He slowly got up from his chair at Brian's bedside, watching the peaceful features of the man on the bed and gave his hand a squeeze. “I missed you...,” he whispered, surprised when Brian opened his eyes in return and locked gazes with him.

He had thought that Brian had fallen asleep again and hadn't heard him, but apparently he had.

And Justin's heart caught in his throat when he heard words he had longed to hear for so many years and had thought he'd never hear again. “Missed you, too, Sunshine...”

Justin nodded, not sure he trusted his voice at that point and quickly shut his eyes, trying to push back the tears he felt threatening to come forward once more. He gave Brian's hand another squeeze, before he opened his eyes again, met Brian's gaze once more, then turned to leave the room.

Once he had left the room and had closed the door, he leaned against the door with his back, hung his head and let his tears run unchecked. Sobs wracked his body and he honestly had no idea where they were coming from. He could only blame it on the emotional overload he had been suffering from in the last 28 hours ever since he had found out that Brian was alive.

After several seconds, Justin heard a quiet voice, inquiring if he was okay. “Are you alright? Do you need any help?”

When Justin forced himself to open his eyes, he saw a young nurse standing in front of him, looking at him from concerned eyes. He slowly shook his head, then took a deep breath, forcing himself to calm down. When he felt like he could trust his voice again, he spoke. “I am okay. Just...there's a lot going on right now. But I am okay. Thanks.”

The nurse nodded in understanding, clearly having seen stranger things in the hospital and continued speaking to him in a calm manner. “Don't worry about it. We all understand. Whenever you feel like it, the doctor would like to speak to you about Mr Kinney's condition.”

Justin wiped away his tears, forcing himself to take another couple of deep breaths, before he nodded. “Of course, yeah.”

The nurse then led him to a small room at the end of a long hallway which seemed to be the doctor's office. When they arrived, she turned to Justin and gave him an encouraging smile. “We're not only here for Mr. Kinney. If you ever need something from us, just let us know. We're here to make sure that you are okay as well.”

Justin thanked her for her kind words, before he went to see the doctor.

“Mr Taylor, thank you so much for coming by. I appreciate you taking the time.”

Justin nodded and took the offered seat across from her desk. “The nurse mentioned that you wanted to speak to me.”

“Yes,” the doctor nodded, her face immediately turning more serious as she spoke. “I have to admit that I am quite concerned by Mr Kinney's reaction to my presence and the exam earlier.”

Justin nodded, knowing that he felt concerned as well.

“I wondered if he had ever displayed a reaction like this before to doctors and hospitals,” she went on, looking at Justin from concerned eyes.

Justin thought for a minute about how to best answer the question, then answered her in as much detail as he could. “Brian has never liked hospitals. He... he hasn't had an easy childhood and... there was physical abuse and well... he doesn't really trust doctors and hospitals,” Justin started, not quite sure how much to reveal, but having a feeling that the more information he gave the doctor, the better it would be for Brian in the long run.

“There was also an instance where I got attacked and almost killed in a homophobic attack years ago and... I know that he hates hospitals because they bring back bad memories for him. He... he doesn't like them, but...,” Justin stopped, not quite sure how to go on. “I don't think his reaction earlier was about that. He... he has been to hospitals before, he has dealt with doctors before and even though he didn't like it, he was okay. This was something else.”

The doctor made some notes, then nodded. “Seeing some of his former injuries and wounds, I wouldn't be surprised if something might have happened in Gilead,” she said quietly.

“You mean that he was tortured or experimented on?” Justin asked quietly, feeling new tears behind his eyes.

He knew that the thought had crossed his mind and everyone else's mind when the doctor had mentioned signs of torture the day before and he knew of all those stories from Gilead concentration camps about camp guards torturing inmates for punishment and sometimes just for the sport of it because they considered them lesser life forms. There had also been rumours about medical exams and tests being done on inmates, experiments by the ruling regime without care or concern to the well-being of the inmates, but so far those had just been rumours. And even if it turned out to be true, it was one thing to hear about them and another to know that your former lover might have been one of the guinea pigs in those experiments.

“At this point we can't be sure of anything, but we definitely can't and shouldn't rule it out completely,” the doctor said, clearly able to see how hard this conversation was for Justin.

Justin nodded slowly, feeling his stomach twist and turn, feeling like he was caught in a dark tunnel of neverending distress.

“I am sorry,” the doctor said quietly, watching the young man's reaction across her desk with concern. “I wish I could say it was different.”

Justin just nodded once again, not trusting his voice.

“For now, we will focus on Mr Kinney's physical injuries, on his malnourishment, his bad blood test results, etc., but we will also have to deal with possible mental injuries and problems. I will suggest that he meets with a therapist in the next couple of days to help get an idea about his mental state as well.”

“Brian won't like that. He... he doesn't believe in therapy...,” Justin said quietly, trying to process everything the doctor had said.

“I understand,” she said, making some notes again, before she continued. “I don't think that it can be helped though at this point. For now, I think it's most important that we keep him hydrated and get some vitamins and food into him, keeping him on a high carb, high proteine diet, so he can gain back some weight and help his body recover that way.”

“He won't like that either,” Justin smiled to himself, knowing how much Brian abhorred high carb foods and anything that could be considered remotely unhealthy. “He's very conscious of what he eats and how it will make him look.”

“Well, once again I don't think that there's any way around it. If we want him to regain his strength, we'll need to get some decent weight back on his body. For now, I think what will help the most is having you and his son around. He seemed to connect strongly to your presence and it seemed to calm him down.”

Justin nodded, having noticed the same. And quite honestly, it made him smile and his heart burst. It showed him that after all those years apart and whatever Brian had been through, they still had that old connection. No matter what, they still had their old connection, feeling immediately drawn to one another.

“So, I can take Gus to see him?” Justin asked.

“I don't see why not, though for now, I would keep those visits short. Mr Kinney is still a long way from being back to full strength and it will take some time for his body to recover. He will still tire easily for a couple of days and we shouldn't overdo it. We should give him the time his body and soul demand in order to fully heal and recover.”

“But he will recover?” Justin asked, his voice sounding scared of the answer. After everything he had been through, Brian at least deserved to be alright at the end of it. That was the least the man deserved after everything he had done for Gus and Justin.

“Physically, yes. Mentally... I can't say as it's not my field of expertise and I guess only time can really tell,” the doctor replied honestly, knowing full well that it was not the reply the younger man had been hoping for, but knowing that it was the only honest one she had.

“I appreciate all your help,” Justin thanked her as their conversation came to an end and then bid her goodbye, before he went down to the cafeteria in search of Gus, his mind busily running over his conversation with the doctor again and again. Especially the part about possible torture and mental trauma wouldn't leave him alone and he hoped against hope that whatever would manifest itself over the next couple of days would be something they could deal with and would find a way out of. For all their sakes.

Justin forced himself to push those thoughts aside as he found Gus in the cafeteria, trying to look as positive as he could under the circumstances.

“Hey mate, you alright?” he asked as he sat down next to the clearly unhappy boy that was glaring at the plate in front of him, the nurse across from him that had spent time with him and now at Justin.

Gus just glared at him and refused to answer him, making it clear that he was still angry with Justin for having kicked him out of the room earlier.

Justin sighed, before he nodded at the nurse and thanked her for taking care of Gus, hoping that he hadn't been too much trouble. The nurse bid them goodbye and made her way back to her ward, leaving them alone.

“I know that you're angry with me, but Gus, it couldn't be helped,” Justin started, only to be interrupted by Gus right away.

“You promised me that I could see Dad and then you kicked me out,” Gus spat, showing Justin how angry he really was.

“Gus, you saw him,” Justin answered reasonably.

“You know what I mean,” Gus angrily gave back, not swayed that easily.

“Yes, I do, but Gus... You are 12 years old. There are some things you are still too young for and this is one of them. There are some things adults will have to deal with and I know it sucks. I do, I was your age once as well, but it can't be helped.”

“I am not a child, Jus.”

“Gus, I know how adult you can be and how grown up you can behave, but at the end of the day you are 12 years old and yes, you are a child. Just like you should be. You should be a child that goes to school, plays soccer and meets with his friends. You shouldn't have to worry about the things we worry about as adults. You are a child and you should be able to enjoy those years,” Justin said quietly.“I know that... things happened that made you grow up a lot faster than many other kids your age, but the fact is, you are 12 years old and sometimes as adults we make decisions that you won't like. It sucks, but it can't be helped.”

“It sucks alright,” Gus mumbled, still glaring at Justin.

“Gus, this isn't easy for me either, okay? I... I was totally thrown by the news of your Dad being here as well and... right now, I have no idea what I am doing, okay? I am just taking it step by step, one step at a time, trying to find a way for all of us to be okay at the end of this. I am sorry if you felt unfairly treated, but the doctor suggested that it might be better for you not to be present when your Dad woke up and I agreed with her. End of story.”

“He's my Dad. I have a right to see him.”

“Yes, you do. And I am not going to stop you from seeing him. I told you before, we wanted to make sure he was okay when he woke up and we didn't want to stress him out too much under the circumstances,” Justin explained quietly, hoping that he could get through to Gus.“Gus, whatever your Dad went through to get here, it can't have been easy and... it will take time for him to be alright. It will take time for him to be the Dad again that you remember. We need to give him that time, Gus, it's the least we can do.”

“Is this about what happened to him in Gilead?” Gus asked quietly, the anger now having left his eyes, replaced by a quiet pain that Justin had seen there before so many times when they had talked about Gilead and what life in Gilead was like for gay people.

“Yes, it is,” Justin replied quietly, not quite sure how much to tell Gus, but having a feeling that the boy deserved as much honesty as was possible. This impacted Gus in a big way as well and yes, he might only be 12 years old, but in his 12 years Gus had already seen so much and heard so much about life in Gilead, had experienced so much pain himself, that he had grown up way quicker than most children his age. So far Justin and Ethan had always tried to be as honest with him as was possible and Justin just hoped that he wasn't making a mistake by continuing that way. For all their sakes.

“Gus... in Gilead... life is not good if you don't fit the norm. You know that. You remember how we were treated because we were gay. The discrimination, the attacks, the laws against people like us. You remember how you weren't allowed to go to school anymore because of your Dad and me being gay. You remember how the police came to the loft and randomly arrested me, your Dad or both of us and how they tried to take you away... Before we left... before your Dad and I made the decision to try for a better life in Canada, they had just passed a new law making it possible for them to take away all children that were raised by homosexual parents and having those children adopted by proper, Christian conservative families.

When that law passed, your Dad and I knew that we needed to leave. We couldn't allow for them to take you away from us. We couldn't allow for them to give you to another family and brainwash you against us. Gus, whatever happened, your Dad and I always loved you and worried about your well-being and when they started to not only threaten us, but also you, we made the decision to run away.”

“I know,” Gus said quietly, remembering how he had been told about their attempt to escape from Gilead before.

“That night... when they caught us... Your Dad made a choice, Gus. He made the choice to sacrifice himself, so that you would be safe. He would have never abandoned us, but he knew it was the only way to make sure that you would make it to Canada. He knew it was the only way to make sure that you would be alright. He sacrificed himself, so that you and I could make it out of Gilead and to safety.”

“I know,” Gus said once more, having heard that part of the story before and remembering it vividly. Even though he had only been seven years old, he could still remember how scared he had been that night in the woods and even more so, how scared his father and Justin had been. He remembered the moment it had become clear that they would be caught, the moment his father had realised what that meant for them and had made a decision to stay back and save them by sacrificing himself. The moment Justin had realised what was happening and the despair the man had felt over his father's actions. The argument, the tearful goodbye, the moment his father had pushed them away, the last time he had seen his father and his father had seen him and Justin. He remembered all of it vividly and sometimes still had nightmares about that night. He understood what Justin was saying, even though he was only 12 years old, he understood. “I know that.”

“I know you do, Gus, but what I need you to understand is that... after they caught your Dad...They would have punished him for trying to get away. They would have punished him for daring to go against Gilead's laws. And they wouldn't just punish him by sending him to prison. Gus, I need you to understand that your father, by what he did for us, made himself a target with the regime.”

“A target?” Gus frowned, not quite sure that he could follow. “What do you mean?”

Justin sighed, wondering if he should really go ahead, but knowing that he had already said too much and there was no way to back out now. Not at this point. “They would have punished him even worse than anyone else. They would have treated him even worse than they would have treated anyone else...Gus, when your Dad was found here in Canada, they found him wearing a concentration camp uniform. He wasn't sent to prison in punishment, they... they sent him to a concentration camp and in those camps... the inmates... they are treated worse than animals. Gus, I need you to understand that whatever your father has been through these last couple of years... it was bad. It was really bad, Gus.”

Justin watched the young boy take in his words, watched as his eyes closed and he pressed them close more tightly in an attempt to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall, in the end losing the fight against his tears. When he saw the first tears on the small boy's face, Justin leaned over, pulling the boy into a tight hug. When he spoke next, still holding the boy tightly, his voice was gentle and understanding.

“Gus, I am not saying this to be mean or to hurt you, I just want you to be prepared, okay? Your Dad... he might react differently than he did before. He might not react the way you're used to. I just want you to understand that it has nothing to do with you. He still loves you and he will always love you. We just... at this point... we don't know what all happened to him and we need to be understanding and give him time. We can't pressure him and stress him, okay? We don't know what he has been through and we just need to be prepared that he might not be the same with us as he was before we left Gilead.”

Gus cried for a long time, then pulled back from Justin's embrace, looking at the older man from pained eyes. “I just want to see my Daddy,” he whispered, before he flung himself into Justin's embrace once more.

Justin held him tight, gently rubbed his back in a soothing motion and whispered to him, trying to comfort him as well as he could under the circumstances. “I know. I know you do. And you can. I promise.”

“Really?” Gus hiccupped in Justin's arms, his voice showing his doubts.

“Really,” Justin promised, his voice as sincere as could be.

Justin then pulled back, wiping away Gus' tears gently. “Your Dad woke up earlier and we spoke for a few minutes. He can't wait to see you.”

“Really?” Gus eyes widened at Justin's words.

“Really. He asked about you and I told him that you're here in the hospital and he was so relieved to know that you're alright. I am sure he must have missed you like crazy.”

Gus nodded slowly, taking in Justin's words.

“And I will take you to see him so you can speak to him yourself, Gus. I will. I would never keep you away from your father. I never would. When he woke up earlier though, the doctor and I...we just needed to make sure that your Dad would be up to seeing you. That he would be okay enough to see you. With him sleeping until now, nobody knew how he was really doing and the doctor needed to be sure first that he's alright. You understand that, don't you?”

Gus nodded once more, this time speaking slowly. “And he is? Alright?”

Justin smiled gently, running a hand through Gus' hair. “He seems to be. He'll need some time to regain his strength and he'll still tire easily, so we can't visit with him for too long or it will exhaust him too much, but he seems well enough to see you. And I know that he wants to see you and wants to see with his own eyes that you're alright.”

“As do I,” Gus replied, making Justin smile.

“Well, how about we go then? But first, let's clean you up a bit or your Dad will blame me for not taking good care of you.”

“Justin,” Gus spoke quietly, his voice now a lot more serious than it had been just a few seconds ago.

“Yeah?” Justin replied, frowning at Gus and his sudden seriousness.

“You've always taken good care of me. For as long as I can remember.”

Justin's heart warmed at the words the young boy had directed at him and he couldn't help but give him his best sunshine smile. “Because I love you. And I always will. No matter what.”

“I love you, too,” Gus replied, hugging Justin once more.

“Even when I am mean and an asshole?” Justin chuckled, repeating Gus' earlier words from when Justin had told him to go and have his lunch instead of being present when his father first woke up.

“Even then,” Gus nodded, tightening his hold around the older man. “I know you weren't and that you just tried to do what was right.”

Justin pulled back and smiled at his surrogate son, all his love for the boy in his gaze that moment.

“We're all trying to do what's right here and... we'll have to take it one step at a time. Sometimes that might mean that I'll make decisions that you won't understand or won't be happy with, but Gus... I am not doing that to hurt you or to punish you or because I want to stop you from seeing your father. Quite on the contrary... I am just trying to do what's right for everyone involved and you and your father most of all. Okay?”

“Hmmm,” Gus nodded, smiling at the man who had raised him and had been a second father to him for as long as he could remember. “I am sorry for having behaved like a brat.”

“You didn't... If it had been me, I would have been angry as well. Just know that I love you and only want what's best for you, okay?”

“Okay,” Gus smiled and followed Justin as they got up and made their way out of the cafeteria.

“So, are you ready to go and see your Dad?”

“More than ready,” the young boy smiled at him with a smile that reminded Justin so much of Brian that it almost broke his heart. Gus really was a miniature version of Brian and that smile only showed it more.

Chapter 5

“He might be sleeping, so we better be quiet,” Justin said as they reached the door to Brian's room. He watched as Gus looked at him seriously and nodded. Gus had gotten quieter and quieter the closer they had gotten to Brian's room and Justin wasn't quite sure why. He had seemed so excited to see his father just a few minutes ago.

“Gus, are you sure you're okay?” The older man asked, as he watched the young boy and saw how tense he looked and it wasn't hard to recognise the fear in his eyes as he looked back at Justin.

Gus only nodded once more, before he turned to look at the door instead of Justin and sighed deeply.

“Gus?” Justin asked once more, this time the worry clear to hear in his voice as he laid a hand on the boy's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “You can tell me, you know?” He said gently, worrying about the boy at his side.

He wondered if maybe he had gone too far when he had told Gus about his fears for what might have happened to Brian in Gilead. Maybe he should have just kept quiet and shouldn't have bothered little Gus with it. Judging by the tension in Gus and by how scared he looked, Justin was sure he had made the wrong call and he cursed himself for it. All he had wanted, was to prepare the young boy for any outcomes, but now it seemed like he might have gone too far and might have scared him.

“I am sorry if what I said earlier scared you. I didn't mean to scare you. I-I shouldn't have said what I said in the cafeteria,” Justin sighed, pulling the small boy closer and cursing himself over and over for his lapse in judgement.

“I am not a child,” Gus just repeated quietly, still only staring ahead at the door.

“No, you're not, but... you're not an adult either and sometimes... sometimes you're so grown up that I forget that and... I should have stayed quiet. I didn't mean to scare you,” Justin repeated gently, before he made Gus turn and look at him.

“I am sorry, Gus. Just tell me what's going on in your head, okay? I am here to help you and support you and let me fix my mistake, okay?”

“Wh-what if he hates me now?” Gus whispered, his voice hardly audible over the normal hospital noises all around them.

Justin couldn't help but gasp when he looked at Gus and saw the pain in his eyes. “Gus?”

“What... what if he blames me?”

“Gus, no. Don't think that! Don't even go there. Your father loves you very much. More than anything in life.”

“But... you said that... they might have punished him because he tried to get away and... whatever they did to him... they did to him because of us... because of me. You said... he made a choice to sacrifice himself, so that I would be safe... that he did it to make sure I would be safe, but... what if he now hates me? Because whatever happened to him happened because of me...”

Justin listened to Gus' words and his heart broke for the small boy and he cursed himself even more and felt even worse than he had a minute ago. He should have just kept quiet. He shouldn't have said anything. Now he had made it so much worse for Gus. God, he had really messed up and it was his fault that Gus was now blaming himself for whatever might have happened to Brian.

“Gus,” Justin started, his voice broken, as he spoke.

“I...I want to see him, but what if...I look at him and all I'll see is hatred... what if he hates me now?”

Tears ran down Justin's cheek as he listened to Gus' heartbreaking statement and watched the first tears on the young boy's face.

“Oh Gus,” Justin sighed, pulling the boy close and hugging him tight. “Don't ever think that. Not for a second. Your father loves you. He loves you more than anything and he could never hate you. Never! None of what happened is your fault. You are not to blame, Gus. Don't go there. Please, don't!”

“What if he has changed... what if he is not the same anymore and now doesn't love me anymore?” By now Gus was sobbing and all Justin could do was hold the boy tighter.

“Gus, you couldn't be further from the truth,” Justin whispered into the boy's auburn hair as he still held him tight. “When I spoke to your father earlier, he was so worried about you. He was so relieved when I told him that you were fine. He loves you with all his heart!”

“But what if he doesn't anymore?” Gus asked in a teary, pained voice.

“Gus, don't even think that for a second. He loves you. I know that he does. He will be so excited to see you. He loves you with all his heart and I am sorry if what I said made you doubt that because it couldn't be further from the truth. Your father loves you, it's the one thing that will never change, you hear me?”

They continued holding each other for several minutes, before Gus slowly calmed down and pulled back from Justin's embrace. “I missed him and... I am so scared he won't love me anymore.”

“That could never happen. He will always love you, just like I will always love you. Never worry about that, Gus! Whatever happened, whatever decisions we made...they were made out of love and that love, it will never go. It will always be with us and connect us, you hear me? There is no way your dad or I couldn't love you. It's not possible. We will always love you, always.”

“Promise?” Gus asked in a small voice that tore at Justin's heartstrings.

“I promise,” the blond smiled, as he hugged the boy once more.

When he was sure that Gus had calmed down, he ran a hand through the boy's hair and smiled at him encouragingly.

“It will be alright. I promise. And I'll be with you the whole time, okay?”

Gus looked at Justin as if to gauge the honesty of his words, before he nodded.

“And if you don't want to do this today, it will be okay. There's no rush. Your dad is here now and he's safe and you will not get separated again. I promise!”

Gus nodded, then squared his shoulders and took a deep breath. “I think... I want to see him now.”

“Alright,” Justin nodded, giving Gus' shoulder a gentle squeeze. “I know that he will be so excited and relieved to see you. I am sorry that I scared you earlier, Gus. I didn't mean to.”

“Step by step, one step at a time, right?” Gus asked, repeating Justin's earlier words from their previous conversation.

“Yeah,” Justin affirmed. “And if we misstep, we'll figure it out together and find our way together.”

“Together,” Gus agreed, before giving his surrogate father another hug. “I am sorry for being so scared and overreacting.”

“Gus, you didn't overreact. If I were you... God... You have no idea what a mess I would be. I mean... I am a mess right now, so... you're doing pretty okay compared to me. I am the one that caused you to be this scared and I am the one that's sorry. I am, Gus. I am really sorry.”

“Jus?”

Justin looked at Gus and nodded, indicating that he was listening.

“Can we stop the blame game now and go and see Dad? I think... I think I really want to see him,” Gus whispered and Justin couldn't help but laugh at the first part of Gus' statement. He really was his father's son, there was no doubt about it.

“Yeah, let's go and see your Dad,” Justin agreed, before he turned towards the door and slowly opened it, stepping inside, holding Gus' hand as the young boy followed right behind him.

It looked as if Brian was sleeping, his chest rising and falling rhythmically.

Justin gave Gus' hand a supportive squeeze as they made their way to the bed and sat down on the two chairs next to it. Justin immediately took Brian's hand in his and couldn't help but smile when he saw Brian's eyes flutter open slowly, focusing on Justin's face by his side.

“Hey... we thought you might be sleeping. We didn't mean to wake you,” Justin said quietly as Brian was slowly waking up and taking in the situation in his room.

“S-alright,” Brian replied, his voice still heavy with sleep and exhaustion. “Must have dozed off.” His gaze then wandered from Justin's face to the other person in the room and he gasped when he recognised who was sitting in the chair next to Justin's. “G-Gus?”

“Hi Dad,” Gus said as bravely as he could muster, looking at his father from wide, disbelieving eyes.

“Gus? Oh my God... it's really you? You're....you're so grown up...” Brian whispered as he took in Gus' features and couldn't believe that this was the same small boy he had last seen on that fateful night so many years ago. Only that the boy in front of him was not a small boy anymore, but was now almost a teenager. Gus had grown up and was tall and lanky like he had been, with the same auburn hair and hazel eyes that he had. If people had thought before that Gus had looked like a miniature version of himself, now there was no doubt. Gus had grown into a teenage version of his younger self.

“It's me, Dad,” Gus whispered, as he leaned in and smiled at his father. He felt emotional and couldn't help the tears that fell from his eyes once more.

When Brian opened his arms, Gus didn't hesitate for a second and immediately jumped off his chair and into Brian's waiting arms, allowing his father to hug him for the first time in more than five years.

“Oh Gus...,” Brian whispered over and over as he held his son tight who was crying in his arms. He ran his hands all over Gus' face, through his hair and couldn't stop looking at his son who had changed so much since he had last seen him.

“Dad,” Gus sobbed in Brian's arms, holding on to every piece of Brian that he could grab, as if he would disappear any second if Gus didn't hold on tight enough.

Justin watched the reunion with tears in his own eyes, not able to hide the emotions he felt when father and son were finally reunited for the first time in five years.

“Are you okay, Gus? Are you? Please, tell me you're okay. I was so worried...so worried,” Brian said through his tears, still holding the boy tight, afraid to let go of him as if that would wake him up from a dream, afraid that everything around him would disappear.

“He's fine, Brian. We're both fine. All of us are fine now,” Justin replied, giving Brian's shoulder a gentle squeeze. “We're all safe.”

“I missed you, Dad... so much... I love you!” Gus cried in his father's arms and Brian only held him tighter, not caring that his own tears ran freely. It was only Justin and Gus who would see them and he didn't care that they would see him cry. He had worried about them so much, had been so scared for their safety. Knowing that they were safe, that they had made it and were doing okay, it made everything in the last five years worth it. Whatever had happened in Gilead didn't matter anymore because he knew that it had been worth it. Gus and Justin were safe. It was all that mattered.

“I love you, sonny boy. God, I love you. I was so worried... so worried...”

Brian's eyes then turned to Justin's and when their gazes met, Brian repeated his words. “I was so worried...”

Justin could see the emotion in Brian's eyes and put on his most encouraging smile. “We're okay, Brian. We've been fine.”

Justin leaned in, still smiling through his tears and ran his hand through Brian's auburn hair. “You can stop worrying now, Brian. We're fine. You made sure we were fine,” Justin got out, before his voice broke and more tears burst from his eyes.

“So worried,” Brian repeated over and over, never letting go of Gus while his gaze was still focused on Justin. Their eyes were locked and they had their own silent conversation that didn't need any words.

“We're good, Dad,” Gus whispered, before he slowly pulled back from Brian's hug, allowing his father's arms to still hold on to him and never letting go of him completely as their eyes met. “Are you okay?”

Brian nodded through his tears, his eyes wandering from Gus to Justin and back. “I am now,” he finally said after the longest time, before a sob wrecked his body and he started crying uncontrollably.

“Dad?” Gus asked worriedly, never having seen his father like this.

“It's okay, Gus. Just give him a minute,” Justin said gently, as he turned from Gus to Brian. “It's okay... you can let it all go now,” Justin whispered, gently wiping Brian's tears from his cheeks, before they were immediately replaced by new ones.

Over and over Justin repeated that they were all fine and safe now, that they were all okay and Brian cried for several minutes, before his tears started to get less and his sobs slowly stopped.

“Is he okay?” Gus asked, the concern easy to hear in his voice.

“Yeah, it's just a bit much. We're all very emotional right now, Gus and your Dad is no exception,” Justin tried to explain, able to understand Brian's emotional turmoil. He could understand how worried Brian must have been for years, not knowing if they had made it out of Gilead that night or not, not knowing if they were okay or not and now finding out that they were safe, had to feel like the biggest relief ever. Justin didn't blame him for his emotions being all over the place, he knew that he was an emotional mess and had been ever since he had received the call from the hospital and Brian had been through so much more and worse than he and Gus had been through, so of course his emotions would be all over the place as well.

It took several minutes before Brian calmed down and when he did, he couldn't stop looking from Gus to Justin and back. He couldn't believe that they were safe and okay, but Justin had said so repeatedly and they both looked fine. They both looked fine and were here with him. They were finally reunited and fine. He had never felt a bigger relief in his life than he felt now.

“I am sorry,” Brian started once he was calm enough to speak again.

“Don't,” Justin immediately interrupted him. “There is nothing to apologise for. We're all a mess right now. After everything... we're allowed some tears.”

Their eyes met and had a silent conversation for the longest time, before Brian finally nodded in defeat. “I missed you so much. Both of you.”

“Not as much as we missed you,” Justin whispered, knowing that it was true. They had thought that Brian was dead, had said goodbye to him and to any chance of ever seeing him again. They had long ago buried any hope of ever being reunited and now here they were. Together and well.

“I am so glad you're here, Dad,” Gus whispered, still being held by Brian's arms and he couldn't help but smile when his father looked down at him and smiled at him.

“Me too, sonny boy. You have no idea.”

There would be more time for conversations about what had happened to each of them in the last five years, there would be time for catching up and making plans, but none of that mattered now. Now it was just about being together and knowing that they were all fine and safe. For the moment that was all that mattered.

Justin smiled as he watched Brian and Gus hug once more. He knew that there would be some painful conversations ahead. He knew that there were things they would have to talk about, but there would be time for all of that and that time was not now. Now was about reconnecting and basking in the knowledge that they were all safe in Canada. Everything else could wait for another day!

Chapter 6

“Are you okay? You've been very quiet ever since you came back from the hospital,” Ethan said, as he sat down next to Justin who had been sitting on their porch for the last thirty minutes, just staring at their backyard, obviously deep in thought.

“I am not sure,” Justin shrugged, before he turned towards his partner and gave him a sad smile. “I messed up today. Really badly,” he sighed, before he hid his face in his hands.

As promised, Ethan had been there when Gus and Justin had returned home from the hospital. He had waited for them with a home-cooked meal and had suggested that they have a movie night. Thankfully, he had chosen some comedy, knowing that they could all do with some mindless fun.

It had been just what he and Gus had needed after their emotional day at the hospital and Justin had been beyond grateful, even though he knew that he hadn't really shown it so far. He had been too preoccupied with his own thoughts to really express the gratitude he had felt. He just hoped that Ethan would know how much it had meant to both him and Gus to come home to the comfort that Ethan had provided for both of them.

“Why? What happened?” Ethan asked quietly, gently running a hand up and down Justin's thigh.

Justin stayed quiet for the longest time, before he took a deep breath and started talking.

“I got Gus so scared of seeing Brian. I made him think that Brian hated him and... God, I really fucked up, Ethan...”

“But Gus seemed fine earlier,” Ethan pointed out, not really sure he understood what Justin was refering to. Yes, Gus had been emotional and obviously preoccupied with his own thoughts as well, but Ethan had expected nothing less after the day he had had. The boy hadn't seemed shaken too much, quite on the contrary, he had been so excited about seeing his father, he had hardly been able to stop himself from telling Ethan over and over again how he couldn't wait to go and see his father again the next day.

“Yeah, I guess so, but still...,” Justin sighed, running his hand through his blond hair. “If Brian hadn't been so happy about seeing him, it could have been a real mess.”

“I am not sure I understand. Why wouldn't Brian be happy to see him? And why would Gus think that his father would hate him?”

“I...,” Justin started, but then stopped, not quite sure how to continue. “Gus was angry with me earlier. The doctor and I agreed that Gus shouldn't be present when Brian first woke up because... well... nobody knew what condition he would be in and what he would be like...”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

“Gus didn't like it one bit though. He was really angry with me and... I don't know, I just wanted for him to understand my reasons. I wanted him to understand that maybe Brian wouldn't be like the father he remembered and not like he had been before we left Gilead.”

“Okay,” Ethan said slowly, looking at Justin expectantly, urging him to continue.

“So, after Brian had first woken up and... we knew that he was okay or... as okay as he could be, we decided that it might be best for him to see Gus. So I went and picked up Gus from the cafeteria where one of the nurses had taken him to wait while the doctor and I were with Brian.”

“Jus, I am not sure I understand what you're saying here. All of this sounds very sensible,” Ethan commented.

“Only that when I picked up Gus... I told him that Brian might have suffered through some really bad things in Gilead after we made it out. That... they would have punished him and blamed him for us getting away,” Justin finished quietly.

“Jus, what? Why would you say that to him?” Ethan stared at Justin, not sure he understood why his partner would say something like that to a small boy like Gus.

“I wanted him to be prepared in case Brian behaved differently than he expected. In case Brian wouldn't behave the way he had with Gus before. I wanted him to understand that it had nothing to do with him, but with what Brian might have gone through. I know... I fucking know I shouldn't have said it like that and God, you have no idea how much I've beaten myself up about it all day afterwards... I just thought that honesty was the best way to go and... we don't know how traumatised Brian might be and I wanted him to be prepared. God, Ethan. He's so grown up most of the time, but I forgot that really he's just a small kid that missed his father and longed to be reunited with his father,” Justin stopped, turning to look at Ethan. “I wanted him to be prepared, but all I did was scare him senseless. He blamed himself for whatever might have happened to Brian in Gilead and...he thought that Brian would blame him as well. He was so scared that Brian would hate him because we had gotten away and he hadn't, because Brian had sacrificed himself and stayed behind, so Gus and I would be safe.”

“Jus,” Ethan sighed, his voice sounding more understanding than Justin had expected.

“I know I fucked up. I fucking know. It's my fault that Gus thought his father might hate him. I got him so scared, he was crying. I made him cry and... all I wanted was for him to be prepared in case he would be disappointed by Brian's behaviour. I... tend to forget how young he still is. He's already been through so much and acts so grown up at times. I forgot that he's just a small child that desperately wanted his father's love.”

“You didn't mean to hurt him. You had good intentions,” Ethan said quietly, giving Justin's thigh a squeeze.

“And we all know that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.”

“Jus, stop it!”

“I hurt him and... I didn't mean to, but I did.”

“Justin, calm down. Please! You're beating yourself up about something that is not your fault,” Ethan tried to argue, but only got interrupted by Justin right away.

“Of course it's my fault! I am the one that hurt him by saying those things to him.”

“And you did so because you thought it was the right thing to do,” Ethan replied calmly. “This situation that you and Gus now find yourself in... it's complicated. Hell, it's beyond complicated. No one could have expected Brian to ever show up again, but now here he is and you are just trying to do the right thing, but there is no handbook to follow, there are no rules to follow. You... we...all of us will just have to try to make the right decisions and if we happen to make the wrong decisions every once in a while, who can blame us? It's an impossible situation that no one could have prepared us for. All we can try to do is navigate this as well as we can and if we end up making a wrong decision every once in a while, then it is what it is and all we can hope to do is to learn from it and do better the next time.”

Ethan put an arm around Justin's shoulder and pulled him closer. “You tried to do the right in an impossible situation and it turned out to be the wrong thing. That doesn't mean that you did it on purpose or that you're to blame. It happened and you shouldn't blame yourself for it. Gus seemed fine earlier, happy about how the meeting with Brian had gone. He can't wait to go in again tomorrow and see him again. Whatever damage you think you might have caused, I am sure Gus has already forgotten about it. He's too excited to have his father back. He is fine, Jus.”

“Do you really think so?” Justin asked, his voice hardly above a whisper and sounding unsure.

“I know so,” Ethan said, giving his partner's shoulder a squeeze. “You have done an incredible job raising Gus in recent years. He's a strong boy who seems to make it past whatever life throws his way. Just look at everything he has already been through in his young life and look at how well he's doing? He's happy, Jus. He's a good student, he has friends, he loves you and me. He's happy and it's all because of how you guided him through the turmoil his life has become after Gilead. You did that, Jus! So what if you made one wrong decision today. You made hundreds of good ones before!”

“I hope you're right,” Justin whispered, resting his head on Ethan's shoulder. “God knows I am in way over my head. I have no idea what to do. Everything is so complicated and messed up.”

“You'll be fine. You, Gus. You'll both be fine. Just take it one step at a time and if one of those turns out to be a misstep, take another step forward and try to do better. It's all we can do.”

Justin nodded, enjoying his partner's embrace, hanging on to his own thoughts and thinking about what Ethan had said. Once again he had been there and had given him the support he needed even though this had to be a very uncomfortable situation for him as well. How could it not be? Justin knew that he would feel weird if they suddenly found out that Ethan's former partner was still alive and in Toronto. If their roles were reversed, Justin knew he would feel weird about it and here Ethan was supporting him and Gus along the way. Just like he had always supported them.

“Thanks,” Justin said sincerely, resting his hand on Ethan's thigh and giving it a squeeze. “I know this must be hard on you as well and... God, I know that I should be more considerate of that.”

“Shhh, don't worry about me. I am fine. I know that none of you asked for this and... it might be weird, but really? More than anything I am just happy for Gus. I know how much he has missed Brian and I am sure it will be good for him to be reunited with his father.”

“I just...I have no idea how to go on from here. What does this mean for us? For Gus? Will he go and live with Brian now? I mean... of course Brian is his father, but... I love him and I've raised him and... this is his home. We are his family.”

“And we'll always be. You're jumping ten steps ahead, Jus. Don't worry about any of that now. For now... you and Gus should just enjoy that Brian is alive and Gus and Brian should get a chance to reconnect. Everything else... it will be figured out when it's time.”

“But... what if Brian thinks... I mean... I haven't even told him about you and... fuck, I mean I didn't mean not to tell him it just seemed...,” Justin started rambling only to be interrupted by his partner with a small chuckle.

“Oh Jus, you need to calm down. Take a deep breath,” Ethan said, gently rubbing his hand over his partner's back. “He just woke up today. It wouldn't have been the right time. Today was about you and Gus and him being together again and realising that. Everything else... it will come in time. Maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after. I am sure you'll know when it's the right time to tell him. And I am sure you'll also know when it's the right time to figure out what will happen between you two concerning Gus. Right now Brian is in hospital, just having woken up from whatever ordeal he has been through. Do you really think he's already making plans for Gus' or your future?”

Justin nodded, knowing that Ethan was right and he was thinking too far ahead. As Ethan said, today had been the first day Brian had woken up and there would be a time when they would talk about everything, but that time had not been that day. Ethan was right about that.

“I don't know what I would do without you,” Justin said sincerely as he lifted his head and left a gentle kiss on Ethan's throat. He then moved around and gave his partner a deep, sensual kiss. “I love you, I want you to know that.”

“I do,” Ethan smiled, before he kissed Justin back. He knew that the future would hold many surprises and open questions, but for now, all that mattered was their love for each other and for Gus. Everything else would be figured out in time.

***

“Brian, I think they're coming. What do we do?” Justin's voice was full of panic and his eyes were widened in the same panic. “What if they catch us?”

He looked over to where Brian was holding a crying Gus, holding the boy in his arms, pressing his small head into his chest as if to shield him from the outside world.

Justin could see the same panic that he felt inside himself on Brian's face, knowing fully well that Brian had also realised that they had been found and were close to being captured.

They had left Pittsburgh the day before and had made their way north with the false papers that Brian had bought for a ridiculously huge amount of money from traffickers in Pittsburgh. The papers had gotten them out of Pittsburgh and to Buffalo, allowing them to pass all checkpoints up north. The closer they had gotten to Buffalo and the Canadian border, the more checkpoints there had been.

Gilead didn't allow its citizens to leave the country unless approved and nowadays nobody got approval. Many people tried to flee, but the more people had fled north to Canada, the more troops Gilead had stationed along the border, trying to stop people from fleeing north.

The papers had done the trick and had gotten them all the way to the Black Rock neighbourhood of Buffalo. From there, they had made it to Unity Island in the midst of the night, hoping to catch a boat to the Canadian bank of the Niagara river. Only that the boat that they had been promised would be there waiting for them, was nowhere to be seen and from the sounds of the dogs barking in the distance, they now had been found out in their flight attempt by the authorities.

The punishment for trying to flee from Gilead, which the authorities in Gilead called deserting, was death. If you were lucky and had friends in high circles, you might get away with your life, but would end up in one of the infamous Gilead concentration camps. The jury was still out on which of the two was actually the worse punishment, seeing how torture, forced labour and random punishments were normal in those camps.

The threat of the punishments had been the one reason why Brian and Justin had stayed in Gilead for as long as they had. Many of their friends and families had already fled the country before, had left months or even years ago, but Brian and Justin had always stayed. They had Gus to consider and knew that it was too high a risk to take when they were responsible for Brian's son and his wellbeing.

Somehow they had always thought that things couldn't get much worse and that they would just have to sit it out until it was over and life in the former United States of America would return to normal. After all, it had to, right? How could such a small minority of religious jerks keep the majority of normal, liberal thinking people in such a big country under control for much longer?

Both Justin and Brian had been involved in the resistance and had done their piece working against the government and they knew how big the resistance against the Gilead regime was. To them it was only a matter of time before people would rise up and throw down this regime. Only that month after month, year after year, new law after new law had passed and nothing had changed.

And when a law had been introduced that would allow the government to take away the children from people that they considered undesirable to Gilead's society and to have those children be raised in families that were hardcore supporters of the government, they had known that they could wait no longer.

Being homosexual, they had been blacklisted and discriminated against for years. Gus hadn't been allowed an education because he was the child of an undesirable, as Brian had been called because he was a homosexual and both Brian and Justin had been banned from working in gainful employment. Being homosexuals they were undesirables that Gilead wanted to get rid off and what better way than to put them in poverty by not allowing them to work or get an education?

Thankfully, Brian had always been well off and his money had saved them for the longest time. Also some of his former business contacts had proven extremely helpful, but all in all, the last two years had been incredibly hard on all of them.

And now, with the threat of Gus being taken away from them hanging over their head, it had been enough. Brian and Justin knew that they needed to get out because there was no chance in hell that they would allow that regime to get its hands on Gus.

They had made the decision to flee to Canada like so many people before them and had used their last savings to pay the traffickers to get them out.

Gus had been beyond scared when he had finally realised what was going on earlier that night when they had made their way towards the island under the cover of night.

Both Brian and Justin had been nervous, scared and full of panic as well, but had tried to hide it as well as they could from Gus. Only that now that there seemed to be no boat to pick them up and they could hear Gilead patrols on their heels, they couldn't hide their panic from Gus any longer.

The poor boy had been crying for what felt like hours now in Brian's arms and if both Brian and Justin hadn't been so scared for their own lives, they would have worried about him more, but for now, they could just urge him to be quiet and could hope for the best.

“They will not catch us. I will not allow it,” Brian hissed, looking at Justin from eyes full of panic that betrayed his real emotions.

“Brian, they're getting closer,” Justin whispered as he could hear the dogs coming closer. “There is no boat. We're lost.” Justin felt panic and despair take over and wondered what would happen to them once they had been caught. They would never see Gus again, he knew that much, but what about him and Brian? Would they be separated as well? Most likely.

“They will not catch us,” Brian only repeated, urging Justin to walk closer to the little cliff that was about 10feet above the Niagara river.

When they made it to the cliff, he looked down, then looked around and finally nodded. Justin could see the nod and could also see how Brian's shoulders suddenly relaxed as if he had come to a decision and felt the weight of that decision lifted from them. Justin didn't like that one bit. He didn't know why, but he didn't like it.

“Brian?” He whispered urgently, looking at his partner as he gently set Gus down, who was still clinging to Brian's waist as if afraid to let go. Gus was crying desperately and the fear on his face broke Justin's heart.

“You need to trust me, Sunshine. It's the only way.”

“Brian? What?” Justin eyed Brian from wide eyes, not understanding what Brian meant, but knowing that whatever he was refering to couldn't be good.

“It's not high. Only about 10feet. You can make the jump and swim across. Hopefully the boat will come and meet you along the way. You need to try and make it across the river. It's the only way, Sunshine.”

“What?” Justin looked around wide-eyed and looked from their side of the river across the river to what was the Canadian side. It was about 500 yards to the other side from what he could see, far too much for Gus to be able to swim. The boy had only learned to swim a while ago. “No! We can't make it. No way!”

Brian took Justin's shoulders and grabbed them tightly, his fingers digging into the fabric of Justin's jacket. “It's the only way. You need to go now. Take Gus and go!”

“What? What about you?” Justin looked from Gus, who was still clinging to Brian, to Brian and back and then his eyes settled on Brian's eyes which showed a determination Justin had hardly ever seen there. Brian had made up his mind and Justin finally realised what the decision had been. And he would not accept it. “No! No, Brian! No way!”

“Yes! You and Gus will make the jump. You need to go now before they see you. If I let them catch me, I can make them believe that it was only me which will give you the time to make it across. It's the only way, Sunshine,” by now Brian's voice was desperate and the barking of the dogs was getting closer and closer.

“No! You can't. No! I will not allow it,” Justin whispered, looking into Brian's determined eyes, trying to plea with him. “No, please. No!”

“It's the only way. You need to go now. Now!”

Justin was furiously shaking his head as Brian started pulling him closer towards the edge. “Brian! Stop! No!”

Brian leaned in and gave Justin a quick kiss. The younger man was too shocked to say anything or resist the kiss and allowed Brian to kiss him. “It's the only way. You need to save Gus. Please!”

Justin was crying by now, knowing that Brian meant it and wasn't joking. He wanted Gus and Justin to continue on their own while he stayed behind to distract the patrol that was looking for them.

“No,” Justin was now crying furiously, shaking his head over and over. “No!”

“It's the only way, Sunshine,” Brian whispered once more, leaning in for one last kiss. “You need to look after Gus. Promise me!”

“Brian,” Justin was crying, not able to get the words out. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he needed to say, but the dogs were coming closer and closer and now they could also hear voices yelling for them. Their time was running out. “No,” Justin whispered once more, furiously shaking his head, but Brian had already stopped looking at him and was now talking to Gus.

From the looks of it even Gus had understood what was about to happen and was nearly hysterical now.

“Justin will take good care of you. I love you, sonny boy. Never forget that. I love you!”

Gus was too panicked and emotional to reply anything, but he didn't have to. Before he would have gotten the chance, Brian had already moved towards the edge of the small cliff and had given him a push.

Thankfully Gus' cry couldn't be heard over the wind and the water below.

Justin eyed Brian in a panic, but stopped fighting when Brian pulled him closer to the edge now as well. “Make sure he's alright. I love you.”

And then he was pushed over the edge of the cliff as well. He was too shocked to even scream in the panic he felt.

When he felt the cold water engulf his body, he felt ready to die. He knew why Brian had done what he had done. The dogs had been on their trail, the patrols knew that someone was trying to flee Gilead. Brian needed to stay behind and needed to make them believe it had only been him. He needed to distract them enough so they wouldn't check the river too closely. If they saw Gus and him in the river, they might start shooting at them. It had happened before to other people. Justin knew all that and still he couldn't grasp what had just happened.

Brian had pushed him and Gus off the cliff, so he could give himself over to the authorities. That would mean his death.

All these thoughts and so many more still went through Justin's head when he came up for air again. He looked around, desperately trying to see where Gus was, knowing that he needed to look out for the boy. He owed it to Brian.

As he found Gus, saw him struggling a couple of feet away from him, he dared to look up the cliff one last time and his eyes met Brian's for the last time. He could see the small nod Brian gave him, before he turned around and walked away from the cliff.

He was sure he had heard some yelling, he even imagined that he had heard Brian's cry of “Don't shoot!”, but he couldn't be sure.

His mind was on overload and his focus was now on getting Gus across to the other side of the river.

It was all he could do to make sure that Brian's sacrifice had not been in vain.

He grabbed the small boy, pulled him close, then started to make his way across the river, pulling Gus with him. Every once in a while he would try to say some soothing and calming words to the struggling boy by his side, but in the end he couldn't even hear his own voice. His mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of Brian and what would happen to him now.

Just as Justin woke up in a sweat from a nightmare he hadn't had in years, Brian woke up in a sweat as well, his whole body covered in it, his sheets twisted and his eyes full of panic. He gasped for breath and was looking around himself in a panic. He needed a minute or two to get his breathing back under control and to realise that he wasn't on the edge of that cliff. He was in a hospital. In Canada. Where Gus and Justin were as well. In safety!

He wasn't on that cliff anymore and he didn't have to wonder anymore if he had just made the biggest mistake of his life. He now knew that he had made the right decision and that everything had been worth it because his sonny boy and his Sunshine had been safe.

Chapter 7

“Hey, are you okay?” Justin asked, as he walked over to the bed where he saw Brian sitting up and looking out of the window, his face looking troubled.

Brian just nodded in reply, but otherwise didn't react to Justin's presence at all. Justin watched him for a couple of seconds and could easily see how tense Brian was. His shoulders, his jaw, his fists clenched so tightly that the knuckles were turning white. Something was wrong, Justin knew it, he just didn't know what exactly.

When he had arrived at the hospital, the nurse had taken him aside and had talked to him, explaining to him that Brian had had a restless night and that they had needed to give him a sedative at one point because he had been so agitated that he just wouldn't calm down. She explained that it had seemed like a panic attack to the nurse on duty, but Brian had refused to say anything, so they couldn't be sure.

Not quite sure what to make of the silence which had quickly become strained, Justin decided to keep the topics simple for the time being and decided to talk about Gus.

“Gus will be coming over later this afternoon. He is back to school today, but I had to promise him that he could come and see you after classes. He wasn't happy, but I insisted that one day of missing school was enough and that you would still be here in the afternoon when classes were over.”

Once again Brian just nodded, but didn't say anything or show any other kind of reaction to what Justin had said.

“Daphne will pick him up and take him here. She's working for the Red Cross now, you know? Helping them take care of Gilead refugees and she's really excited to see you again.”

Again there was only a nod in acknowledgment, nothing else. Even if he hadn't known Brian as well as he did, Justin would have known by now that something was seriously wrong.

“Brian? Say something. Are you okay?”

This time Brian didn't even nod and all Justin got in reply was a deep sigh.

“If it's all too much, you can tell me, you know? I... I can just leave if you want me to,” Justin offered, not quite sure what else to say. Maybe Brian just needed some time alone to work through whatever was bothering him and maybe seeing Justin and Gus again had brought back some memories or even trauma that Brian needed to work through. Justin wasn't quite sure what they were dealing with, but he knew that he didn't want to stand in the way of Brian getting better and if it might be his presence that was disturbing to Brian, maybe leaving him alone for a while would help him better than having Justin sit at his bedside with a worried look on his face for most of the day.

Justin saw how Brian's head moved in his direction and when their gazes met, he saw so much pain and desperation in Brian's eyes that it nearly took his breath away. When Brian held his gaze and then slowly shook his head in indication that Justin shouldn't leave, Justin just nodded.

“Okay,” he said quietly, trying to sound as positive as he could. “I'll stay and we can just be quiet if that's what you want,” Justin offered, nodding at Brian and giving him an encouraging smile.

After a couple of minutes of just looking at each other in silence, Justin felt how Brian's hand reached for his own and he smiled slightly when he felt his hand being held by the older man.

They stayed like that in absolute silence, except for Brian's deep sighs every once in a while, Brian holding on to Justin's hand being the only connection between them.

Justin had started to look at his hand in Brian's bigger hand, marvelling how well his much smaller hand still fit into Brian's bigger hand when the silence was suddenly broken by Brian's quiet voice. It was hardly louder than a whisper and it was obvious how shaken he was when he spoke.

“I wondered so many times... if it had been worth it... If you were alright... if Gus was alright...for so long... always worrying that they might have caught you and it had all been for nothing...I was hoping and praying that you were alright and that it had been worth it...”

“Brian,” Justin started, but didn't know what to reply. What was he to say? That yes, it had been worth it? He didn't even know what Brian had been through in recent years, so who was he to judge if it had been worth it? He and Gus had been alright, they had made it out and to safety that night. They had made it to Canada and had been fine, so yeah, it had worked out for them. But for Brian? Justin could only imagine what he had been through in recent years and every time his thoughts turned that way, his heart broke for Brian and the sacrifice he had made for them.

After taking a deep breath, Justin spoke in a voice just as quiet. “What you did that night... I will never be able to thank you enough. You saved Gus and me and I can only image what it must have cost you...”

“When I turned away from that cliff...for so long afterwards... I didn't know if you and Gus had made it or if I had made the biggest mistake of my life...”

“We made it...Thanks to you. About halfway through the river a boat from the Canadian coastguard saw us and picked us up once we had crossed the border. They took us to the Canadian side and we've been safe ever since,” Justin said quietly,

Brian nodded, but didn't say anything. After a couple of seconds Justin saw a lone tear run down his cheek and he gently wiped it away.

“You saved us.”

“Then it was worth it,” was all Brian replied, before he closed his eyes and gave in to his tears.

Justin wasn't quite sure what to do, but decided that the best way to deal with something was to work through it and move on. He figured that the best way for Brian to move on was to deal with what had happened that night and afterwards and to be able to deal with it, Justin needed to let him know. Not knowing if it was the right thing to do or not, but not knowing what else to do, Justin decided to tell Brian some more about what had happened to them after they had been rescued by the Canadian coastguard.

“We were taken to a hospital and except for a couple of bruises we were both fine. The local Red Cross helped me get in contact with Daphne and with her help, we got relocated to Toronto. Once Gus and I arrived here, she helped us get settled and... she helped us to connect with people we knew.”

“Who?” Was all Brian asked and Justin understood the question immediately. Brian wanted to know who else had made it out and who else was alive and well.

“Emmett. He lives in Toronto as well and he was actually here visiting you the day before yesterday.”

“Emmett? Good,” Brian nodded, before he implored Justin to continue with more information. “Who else?”

When Justin shook his head wordlessly and lowered his eyes, Brian took a deep breath. “No one else?”

The shake of Justin's head was answer enough for Brian, who ran a hand through his hair in despair.

“Fuck!”

“Brian, please,” Justin started, not wanting the older man to get agitated. He cursed himself for having given Brian this information so soon, wondering if he had fucked up again, just like he had with Gus the day before. Maybe it was time to evaluate his 'honesty is the best way' stance. How could it be the best if it caused so much pain?

After being quiet for the longest time, Brian spoke quietly again. “Lindsay? And Mel?”

Justin shook his head, then took a deep breath. “I had Daphne look into it when we came here.”

Lindsay and Melanie had left Gilead a year before Brian and Justin had attempted to flee. They had gone the official route of applying for visas and travel authorisations when it had still been possible and had received travel authorisations by the Gilead government. When they had only received authorisation to leave the country for themselves and not for Gus, there had been a lot of discussions. In the end, much to the heartbreak of Lindsay and Mel, everyone had agreed that they should go while they still could and Brian and Justin would take care of Gus in the meantime. Mel had promised to use her knowledge as a lawyer to file whatever lawsuit she could against the Gilead government and everyone had agreed that they would be reunited soon after, as soon as things either returned to normal or Brian and Justin had made it out with Gus as well.

After all, homosexuals were considered undesirables in Gilead, so surely the government would be happy if they wanted to leave on their own, right? At least that was what everyone had thought at the time.

So after many painful conversations and final goodbyes,Lindsay and Mel had left for their destination in Australia, where they had gotten visas and had promised to be in contact as soon as they had settled down. Only that no one had ever heard from them again.

“Gilead never had any intention to let them or anyone else go. According to international investigations, people with travel authorisations were considered traitors, because only traitors would want to leave such a great nation and as such... they executed them. They made people believe that they could leave the country when really they just put them on trains to camps and had them killed. There have been no reports of flights or ships with any people leaving Gilead apart from government officials leaving on state business.”

“Fuck!” Brian exclaimed, angrily slamming his fist into the mattress by his side. He knew that he shouldn't really be surprised, after everything they had seen and been through in Gilead, he knew that nothing should shock him anymore, still it was hard to hear that the mothers of his son were dead, not safely building a new life in another country. “Gus?” Brian just asked and Justin understood what Brian was asking.

“He knows,” Justin admitted quietly, looking at Brian sadly. “It didn't seem fair to keep him hoping for something that would never happen.”

After the longest time, Brian nodded. He took a deep breath. “Ted?”

“He made it to Canada, but... got separated from Blake on the way out. Blake was captured and... Ted didn't take it well and went off the deep end. He died of an overdose a year and a half ago. It was very hard on Emmett.”

Brian nodded, knowing how close Emmett and Ted had always been.

“Ted has never been the same again after coming here and...Emmett... we all tried our best...”

Brian nodded once more, before his gaze met Justin's again. “Your mom? Molly?”

Justin sighed, his voice shaking as he spoke. “I don't know. There has been no word at all.”

Molly and Jennifer had left a couple of weeks before Brian and Justin had tried to make it out and at the time they had just assumed that they had made it to Canada and had been safe. Apparently that hadn't been the case.

Jennifer and Molly, and by extension Justin as well, had had a bad time in Gilead. Once the religious nutjobs had taken over, Craig had been the first to join their ranks and had quickly risen up the ranks, making life for his former family hell. He had bullied his former family, who he despised for supporting Justin's choice of being gay, as he had called it and had made life in Gilead really hard for all of them while he had gained more and more power himself.

“Justin... I don't know what to say... I am sorry,” Brian started, but was stopped by Justin right away.

“You won't meet anyone here who hasn't lost someone. Stories of Gilead are always stories of pain, loss and despair... Once we got settled here... I quickly realised how lucky we had been. Thanks to you!”

Brian nodded, understanding what Justin was saying. Even in Gilead they had all become used to loss, pain and despair and Brian didn't feel very surprised when he heard that news from Gilead weren't much happier in Canada.

Not wanting to dwell on the bad news, Justin quickly wiped his eyes, wiping away the stray tears that had come out, before he decided to move the conversation back to a safer topic.

“We did what we had planned to do. I accessed the account you had set up and got a place for Gus and me and once things started to calm down, Gus started school and I finished my degree.”

Justin was referencing a Canadian account, Brian had set up a long time before they had tried to flee Gilead. When things had first started to look grim and dire in the United States, Ted and Mel had advised them to get money out of the country. There had been rumours of plans to freeze the accounts of undesirables, so Ted had set up a plan for most of the family to get some of their money invested abroad in case it might be needed one day.

After they had used their last savings to pay the traffickers to make it out of Gilead, it had been their plan to access the money Brian had invested in Canada years before to built a life there.

“Good,” Brian said, giving Justin's hand a squeeze. “That's what it was for.”

“Gus is a great student, you know? Very smart, good grades. When he started school, at first I was worried that it would be too much for him after not attending school in so long, but he was fine. He likes going, he has made friends and is happy, you know?”

“That's all that matters,” Brian replied quietly, before another silence settled between them. After a couple of minutes, it was Brian who broke the silence. “And you?”

“Me?” Justin frowned.

“What are you doing now?” Brian met Justin's gaze. “You said you got your degree. In Fine Arts?”

Justin nodded. “Yeah... I did a couple of shows by the Red Cross that Daphne got me into. You know, refugee art and that kind of thing. Not really what I want to be known for, but it did the trick and helped to set up a loyal clientele. There are many refugees here who want to support someone from home. It pays the bills and allows me to be independent. I can make my own hours which is good when it comes to taking care of Gus, so... yeah, I guess it's alright.”

“Sounds more than alright,” Brian argued and Justin knew that he was right. He wished that he wasn't known as the “refugee artist”, but at least he was known as an artist and was able to create his art and live off it. And quite comfortably so. His life could have turned out a lot worse, he knew that. So many of his friends and family had lives so much worse than his own and he knew that he was an ass when he complained about his career like this.

Justin sighed and nodded. “I know... God, I should be ashamed of myself. Here I am complaining about my oh so hard life when I can only imagine what... I mean...,” Justin didn't quite know how to continue and he could feel how Brian tensed even more, apparently knowing what Justin was fighting to say.

“It doesn't matter,” Brian said quickly, but Justin had seen the pain and trauma in Brian's eyes and on his face before he had put his mask of indifference back in place.

“Of course it does... It's my fault,” Justin didn't get any further than that.

“Pray tell how that would be your fault? Last I checked, I was the one who made a decision and pushed you and Gus down that cliff into the river.” Brian's features were closed off and his voice sounded angry.

“But,” Justin started, only to be interrupted by Brian again.

“But what? It was my decision. I made it, I lived with the consequences. End of story!”

“Brian...”

“End of story!” Brian just repeated, before he lay down again and turned onto his side. “I am tired.”

It was clear to Justin that their conversation was over and Brian didn't want to talk any longer. He cursed himself for once again having fucked up and wondered if he would ever make a right decision where Gus and Brian were concerned. So far his track record was clearly against him.

***

Two hours later, Justin noticed Brian waking up. Brian hadn't slept the whole time. The first hour, he had basically just ignored Justin, but Justin had known that the older man had still been awake. After some time, Brian must have fallen asleep though, because Justin had then heard the familiar wheeze in his breathing.

As Brian had been sleeping, Justin had watched him and had studied his features. Brian looked closed off even in his sleep. Where he used to be relaxed and peaceful in sleep, his features were still tense now as if he was ready for an attack or onslaught even in his sleep.

Justin didn't dare to imagine what must have happened to Brian to make him become that tense even in his sleep, a time when his body should be shutting down and recharging.

When Brian opened his eyes, Justin couldn't help but notice the fearful way in which his eyes darted around the room as if to check where he was and that he was safe, while his breath hitched and became more ragged.

Once Brian had apparently realised where he was and that he was safe, his features relaxed slightly and his breathing calmed down.

“It's just me,” Justin said quietly, not wanting to startle the older man.

Their eyes met for the longest time, before Brian averted his eyes and glanced towards the window.

“I wish you would tell me,” Justin whispered after a while. “I just want to help you...”

Not wanting to leave any doubt what he was talking about, he continued.

“Any fool can see that something happened. You're skittish and scared and... your eyes... Don't you think I can see the pain and fear in them?” Justin reached out for Brian's hand, but Brian pulled his hand back when Justin tried to grab it.

Justin sighed, before he continued. “I know all the stories. I know that you were found in clothes that concentration camp inmates wear in Gilead. I... I have heard the stories about what goes on in those camps. I just wish you would let me help...I just want to help.”

“You can't help,” Brian pressed out, still not looking at Justin.

“How do you know if you don't even let me try?” Justin asked.

“It's none of your business!” Brian spat then, turning to glare at Justin. “I made a choice, I lived with the consequences. End of story!”

“Only that it isn't, is it?” Justin felt himself getting angry now as well. “It's not the end... How can it be? I can only begin to imagine what you must have gone through in Gilead and.... if you don't tell me... if you won't let me help you... it will always be between us, won't it? And I will always owe you, knowing what it has cost you.”

“You owe me nothing...”

“Only my life, my home, my education, Gus' and my safety. Seems like a pretty long list...”

“And what? You think I want your thanks for it? Or want you to pay me back?”

“I don't know,” Justin admitted helplessly. “Right now... I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know what I am thinking... I am just so goddamn confused and...,” Justin felt tears running down his cheeks and angrily wiped them away. He cursed himself for crying once more. Why was he crying? Why couldn't he just have a normal conversation with Brian without crying?

“I know that you must think that I have no right to complain. That compared to you our life must have been pretty easy,” Justin started.

“I never said anything like that.”

“But it's what you're thinking, right? Well, it's certainly what I am thinking. That I have no right to complain because whatever we went through it can't have been as bad as what you went through, but...,” Justin sighed, angrily wiping away even more tears. “We thought you had died.”

After that statement there was complete silence between them. Brian turned to look at Justin and saw how his small body was wracked by painful sobs. “You were dead...,” the younger man repeated over and over, sobbing and crying the whole time.

Brian was quite shocked by what was happening in front of him and didn't quite know how to react. One minute they had been talking about him and now here Justin was, crying his heart out, saying over and over that Brian had been dead. Which didn't make much sense to Brian.

In the end, instinct won over and Brian carefully moved out of bed, as close to Justin as he could without dislodging his IV and the machines attached to him, reaching out a hand to run through Justin's blond locks.

“Hey... hey... Calm down,” he said over and over, trying to calm down the younger man. “I am here. I am okay.”

He tried to comfort Justin as well as he could from the position he was in, saying comforting and reassuring words to the younger man as he ran his hands through the blond hair he had missed so much and had dreamed of running his fingers through so many times in recent years. He then ran his fingertips across Justin's cheeks and tenderly caressed them, before moving his fingers down to Justin's lips, tenderly touching them with his fingertips. Not knowing what else to do, he finally leaned in, meeting Justin's lips in a tender kiss.

He felt Justin stiffen, apparently shocked by what was happening, blue eyes widening immediately.

After about two seconds instinct took over for Justin as well though and he eagerly kissed Brian back. It was their first kiss since that last kiss on that cliff edge so many years ago and he felt instinct take over.

Rationally, he knew that he shouldn't be kissing Brian, he knew that he should stop the kiss, but it felt so good. Brian was here. Not dead, but alive. And here. And they were together. It was all he could think about.

They kissed for the better part of a minute, before Justin's head finally made sense of his inner turmoil and Justin pulled back, shocked by his own actions.

“I shouldn't have...,” he started, still wide-eyed, but then didn't know how to continue. This definitely wasn't the right time and right way to tell Brian about Ethan, was it? No, Justin decided, it wasn't.

“Shhhh, Sunshine... It's okay... I am alive. We all are.”

Justin nodded, trying to get his emotions under control. He knew that he owed Brian an explanation, but didn't quite know how to explain what he knew he had to explain. He decided to start at the beginning.

His eyes met Brian's and their gazes locked as he started speaking.

“After that night... I thought you had been killed. I thought they would have executed you and... I tried not to let Gus know. I tried to act positively, trying to pretend that things would be alright and then... Daphne got a message from the resistance, she has contacts, I don't really know who from or how, but... she got a message that you were alive. We couldn't make sense of it, but... at least we knew you were alive and I didn't have to lie to Gus. Daphne tried to get more information, but for a long time, we couldn't find out anything and then...,” Justin hung his head, his voice shaking with the pain and emotion he felt. “Then... four years ago... we were told that you had died. That you had tried to flee and had been killed in an escape attempt....”

New tears ran down Justin's cheeks and his eyes spoke of the loss he had felt all those years ago. “We... we had a memorial for you...we... grieved for you...You were dead and... we tried to come to terms with it and...then I got the call from the hospital and here you are, not dead and... fuck... I have no idea what the fuck I am doing. I grieved for you. Gus and I grieved for you and.... you have no idea... It hurt so bad... I... I didn't think I could survive the pain, but... I had to. Gus needed me and... he was hurting so bad... At times I didn't know how to keep on breathing, I was hurting so bad, thinking you were dead and that I would never see you again and... now you're here and...God, I am so messed up right now...,” Justin ran a hand through his hair in despair.

“Shhhh, calm down, Sunshine. I am not dead. I am here. Shhhhhh,” Brian tried to calm down the younger man, listening to what he had to say.

“I know that... that your life must have been hell in Gilead. I know that, but... our life was hard as well. We thought you had died,” Justin whispered. “We thought you were dead and,” Justin didn't get further than that, before Brian's lips claimed his once again.

“I am not dead. I am here,” Brian whispered into the kiss, looking at Justin in confusion when he pulled back from the kiss, effectively ending it.

“Brian... I can't,” Justin started, but didn't get to finish what he was about to say as they were interrupted by the door opening at that point.

Brian implored Justin to give him something, to tell him what was going on, but he knew that his chance had been lost when a nurse entered the room, ready to take Brian for an exam.

“Sunshine?” Brian implored, but Justin didn't meet his gaze when he spoke.

“I... I can't, Brian. I'll go and wait downstairs for Daphne and Gus and will be back after your exam.”

Brian watched as Justin almost ran from the room, wondering what was going on. He didn't even get to point out that the exam would only take 20 minutes at the most, but it would be another two hours at least before Daphne and Gus would show up.

Something was off, very off and Brian wasn't quite sure what it was.

Chapter 8

“Oh Brian, it's so good to see you. You have no idea how relieved everyone is,” Daphne excitedly let out as she walked up to Brian's bed with Gus by her side. Justin followed a long way behind them, still avoiding to look at Brian.

He had been away for the last two and a half hours. Brian still didn't know what was going on, but judging by the way Justin was lagging behind Gus and Daphne and was avoiding to meet his eyes, he knew that things still were far from being okay.

“Daphne!” Brian exclaimed, deciding to instead focus on Justin's best friend, someone he realised he was far more excited to see again than he had expected. “Still as bubbly as ever.”

She shrugged while laughing. “What else is there to do in times like these?”

Then Gus walked over and gave his father a tight hug. “Hi Dad,” he breathed out as he held onto Brian longer than was necessary, as if afraid to let go of him.

Brian hugged his son back, holding him tight for as long as the boy needed it. “Hi, sonny boy,” he whispered into auburn hair that had the same colour as his own. “How was school?”

“Boring,” Gus moaned, before he finally pulled back and turned an angry glare in Justin's direction. “We're close to the holidays and didn't learn anything new. I wouldn't have missed anything.”

“Gus,” Justin sighed, looking exhausted. “We talked about this.”

“And YOU made a decision. Yeah...,” the boy grumbled, before he sat down on the side of Brian's bed, looking to his father for support.

“Gus,” Brian started, looking from his son who was expecting support from him to Justin who was looking anywhere but at him and avoiding his gaze. “Justin is right. You need to go to school. I will still be here after school in the afternoons.”

“Dad,” Gus began to whine, but stopped when Justin interrupted him.

“Gus, please! You heard your father.”

Everyone in the room could hear the tension in Justin's voice, even Gus. He looked from Justin to Daphne to his father, trying to figure out what was going on.

When nobody said anything, Daphne took charge and decided to change the topic to relieve the tension that had settled in the room.

“So, how are they treating you here? How's the food?”

Grateful for her changing the topic, Brian replied. “It's okay. It's hospital food, so..., but I've been used to worse,” he ended, leaving that statement open for interpretation.

Daphne nodded, before sighing. “We should get you something nice. To get some meat back on those bones. And you won't complain. You will eat whatever I will get delivered here, you hear me?”

“I don't know if I missed your bossy side or not,” Brian wondered, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

“Of course you did. Who wouldn't miss me?” Daphne said full of confidence, smiling at the man in his hospital bed.

At that point Justin sighed once more then headed for the door. “I'm going to get some coffee. I'll be back in a while.”

He left the room without another word, leaving everyone to stare after him.

“What's gotten into him?” Daphne asked, as she looked from Brian to Gus and back to Brian. Noticing the frown on Brian's face, she figured that the older man wasn't quite sure himself what was going on.

She slowly got up from her chair and smiled at Gus and Brian. “How about I go with him and help him get something nice for all of us and you two spend some quality time, huh?”

Brian nodded at her gratefully and Gus just shrugged, clearly not as concerned as his father. They then watched her leave the room, following after Justin.

She quickly caught up with her best friend, who was waiting in front of the closed elevator doors. “What's gotten into you?”

“Leave me alone, Daph,” Justin sighed, not looking at her, staring instead at the elevator door as if that would make the doors open any faster.

“Not gonna happen, so don't even try,” she just said, as they heard the ding of the elevator and saw the doors open.

Justin threw her an angry glare as she got into the elevator after him, but as there were other people present, he left it at that, deciding to keep quiet for the moment.

They made their way to the lobby of the hospital and as Justin left the building, Daphne was hot on his heels.

“Okay, what's going on?” She asked, this time sounding more concerned than anything.

Justin kept quiet, trying to ignore her and walked on. Unfortunately, Daphne wasn't shaken off by that in the least and just followed him.

“You can try to ignore me all you want, but you know that before too long I will find out what's going on, so why not save ourselves the time and drama and just tell me what I am going to find out anyway?”

“Daph, just leave it,” Justin growled, as he sat down on a bench outside the hospital which looked over a small park area to the side of the hospital where many patients seemed to take walks with visitors.

“Not gonna happen. I thought you were happy and ecstatic and now you're all in a mood and can barely stand to be in the same room as Brian. What happened?”

“Why do you think something happened?” Justin asked, annoyed that his friend seemed to know him so well.

“Because just yesterday you were all excited about Brian being alive and well and now you couldn't get out of that room fast enough as if you couldn't stand to breathe the same air as he did,” she reasoned. “Not even starting on how you spoke to Gus.”

“What? I just told him not to start this discussion again. We discussed it before, made a decision, Brian apparently agrees, so end of story.”

“Jus, really?”

“Really!”

“He's a young boy who thought his father was dead. Turns out he's not and he's alive and here in the same city. Can you blame him for wanting to spend time with his father instead of going to school? We skipped school for far worse reasons,” Daphne argued and as much as Justin hated it, he knew that she was right.

“Like going to see hot boys in swim class instead of sitting in history class?” He said with a small smile.

“Like that! I think Gus has a far better reason to skip classes than we ever did.”

Justin sighed, before he ran a hand through his hair. “I know...”

“And it's not even about Gus, is it?” Daphne finished for him, before he could.

“Stop finishing my sentences,” Justin mumbled, throwing her a glare.

“So what is this about?” She asked instead, ignoring the glare and looking at her friend in curiousity. “Yesterday you were all happy and today you can hardly look at Brian. What happened?”

“Ethan can never know about this,” Justin said, looking at her imploringly. When she looked offended by the mere idea of telling something that Justin had told her in confidence to Ethan, Justin continued. “We kissed... this morning...”

Daphne just nodded in understanding, but didn't say anything for the longest time.

“Cat got your tongue?” Justin muttered, having expected some smart comment from his friend by now.

“No, but what do you want me to say?”

“That it was wrong and should have never happened?”

“Let me guess, Brian doesn't know about Ethan?” Daphne mused and wasn't surprised to see Justin shake his head. “So as far as Brian is concerned, you guys are still together?”

“After five years? I mean, I told him that we thought he had died and was dead... clearly he can't think that...,” Justin started, but then stopped. “Fuck!”

“Why would he think any differently if you didn't tell him?” Daphne spoke, her voice once again being the voice of reason. “The last time he saw you, you guys were together, he sacrificed himself for your and his son's wellbeing and now that he's finally made it out of Gilead and is safe as well, you're the first person at his bedside that he sees when he wakes up. If you didn't tell him, why would he think any differently?”

“Because it's been five years, Daph,” Justin sighed. “Clearly he can't have expected me to be celibate for five years, especially if we thought he had died.”

“It's a long way from being celibate to living and raising his son with another man, Jus.”

Justin sighed once more, before he hung his head. “I know I have to tell him, but how? I mean... he obviously still wants us... to be together... I guess...”

“Jus, you're jumping ten steps ahead. He is in hospital recovering from whatever ordeal he went through in Gilead. He kissed you, because you're the one he did all that for and now you're here as well by his side. It doesn't mean that he's expecting the romantic happy ending for the two of you. Maybe he's just doing what he thinks you expect him to do....”

“What I expect him to do? I didn't expect him to kiss me,” Justin argued, but then stopped.

“And he knew that how? Did you tell him?” Daphne pointed out and went on when Justin didn't reply. “He's probably just doing what he thinks you expect him to do. I mean... God, whatever he has been through, it will take time to work through that. I doubt that he's in any state to really think about a relationship right now. He probably thinks that you are thinking about it though now that he's here and is just doing what he thinks you are expecting from him. Jus, you need to talk to him and tell him about Ethan!”

Justin stayed quiet for the longest time, before he nodded. “I know. I fucking know...But how do I tell him that I went on and lived a happy life while he went through God knows what because he wanted to save me and Gus? I mean... how fucking ungrateful does that make me look? He's getting tortured and I am happily shacking up with someone else, raising his son in the house that he paid for.”

“You know that's not what happened,” Daphne pointed out.

“But that's what it will look like to him,” Justin reasoned. “That's what it would look like to anyone.”

“Even if it would... you have to be honest with him. Right now, he's as confused by your behaviour as you seem to be yourself. Be honest with him and talk to him. It's all you can do.”

“What if he will take Gus from me?” Justin asked, his eyes glassy and his voice emotional as he turned to look at his best friend since kindergarten. “Now that he's back and fine... what if he wants Gus to live with him and not with Ethan and me?”

“Jus, you're thinking too far ahead. Right now he's in no condition to even take care of himself, much less of Gus. He just woke up a day ago and is trying to come to terms with his new life here. Be honest with him, give him all the information he deserves and then let him figure out what he wants to do. You know that he loves Gus and has his best interest at heart. Whatever will happen, he would never do anything to hurt Gus.”

“It's just... everything will change. I know it and... I don't think I am ready for things to change. We were okay. We were happy and now...,” Justin stopped speaking, leaving the thought out there.

“You'd have prefered for him to not make it here?” Daphne asked wide-eyed.

“What? No, of course not! I am happy that he got out and am sooooooo fucking relieved that he's alright... How can you even say that?”

“Well, it sounded like that was what you were hinting at.”

“No, I... I am happy he's alive and here. It's just all so unexpected and things will change and... I guess I am just scared of how much. But none of that changes the fact that I am happy that he's here and alive.”

“You still love him, don't you?” Daphne asked, looking at her friend from compassionate eyes.

“I don't think I ever stopped,” Justin admitted quietly.

“And the kiss?” She urged him to continue.

“Felt so fucking good. Like I was finally alive again,” he whispered, before hanging his head.

“Jus,” Daphne started, but got stopped by Justin right away.

“Don't. Don't even think it. I am with Ethan now. We have a life together and I love him. I do. I love him!”

“I know you do,” Daphne nodded, knowing that it was true. Justin loved Ethan and she had been so happy for her best friend when he had started to open his heart again after grieving Brian for so long. “But Brian wasn't in the picture then and he is now.”

“And it won't change anything. I am with Ethan and... I will tell Brian. Tonight!”

Daphne just nodded, deciding to keep quiet and for this once to keep her thoughts to herself.

They returned to Brian's room about an hour later, having gotten some decent coffee and snacks for everyone from a coffee shop close to the hospital. When they returned to the room, they found Gus sitting on Brian's bed, telling him a story, both of them laughing and seemingly happy to be spending time together.

Daphne acted as if nothing had happened and happily handed over the coffee (hot chocolate for Gus) and snacks to Brian as she and Justin settled on the chairs next to the bed.

Justin still avoided Brian's eyes as much as was possible, but joined in the conversation, acting as if he was in a far better mood than he really felt.

After another hour, they all bid their farewell and got ready to go home. Gus had to do his homework, it was nearly time for dinner and Daphne had a date to get ready for.

“Justin,” Brian said as they were ready to leave, trying to get the younger man's attention.

“Later,” the younger man said quietly. “We'll talk. Later. I promise,” was all he said, before meeting Brian's eyes for the first time in hours.

Brian just nodded, knowing that this was all he would get for now and watched as they all left with the promise of coming back the next day.

Three hours later that night, Brian frowned when he saw Justin come back into his room. He had thought Justin would speak to him the next day, not later the same day.

“Justin?”

“We need to talk, Brian,” Justin said seriously, as he walked over to Brian's bed and sat down on the chair at its side.

“Where's Gus?” Brian asked, noticing that Justin had come on his own and knowing that Daphne had a date tonight.

“He's fine, but... it's also what we have to talk about,” Justin said, fidgeting with his hands, not meeting Brian's eyes.

They stayed quiet for the longest time, before Justin broke the silence. He sighed deeply and his voice was hardly above a whisper when he started speaking. “When... when we came here... I was hoping and praying that you were alright and when Daph got word that you hadn't been killed, I... I was hopeful that one day... somehow... we would be reunited. I... stayed hopeful and optimistic, but then... we heard news that you had died and... we had a memorial for you and it was so goddamn hard... but... everyone told me that I needed to keep going for Gus and... I did... I kept going and when I didn't know how to on my own, I looked for help.”

Brian stayed quiet and just nodded, knowing that Justin probably needed all his strength to get out whatever he had to say.

“I joined this group, it was a self-help group for people from Gilead who had lost loved ones to the regime. At first I didn't think it would help, but with time... talking to people who had gone through the same that I had gone through... who had lost loved ones as well... it helped, you know? It... it helped me to go on, to keep going on for Gus...knowing that we weren't the only ones faced with a devastating loss.”

Once again Brian just nodded, waiting in silence for Justin to continue.

“And slowly but surely... I started to connect to people from the group. We became friends and...we would spend time together outside of the group. It helped to spend time with people who just got what you were going through. We didn't have to explain anything. They just understood. If... if Gus or I were having a bad day, we didn't have to say or explain. They just understood. It... the group became a support system for both me and Gus and... with time...,” Justin stopped, not quite sure how to go on, knowing that this was the part he had to tell Brian about, but still not quite sure how to.

Brian slowly but surely had gotten an idea where this was going, but he knew that he needed to let Justin tell his own story, so he stayed quiet.

“I got closer to a certain member and... he and I... we connected because he had lost his partner on their flight out of Gilead as well and...,” Justin sighed, looking at Brian from sad eyes, his voice hardly above a whisper as he continued. “We've been together for almost two years now and we've been living together. Gus loves him and... his name is Ethan and he's really good with Gus.”

Justin stopped and ran a hand through his hair, his voice breaking as he continued. “I am sorry, Brian... when... when you kissed me... I should have told you, but I didn't know how...”

Tears began running down Justin's cheek and before Brian got a chance to react or say anything, Justin got up and ran out of the room with a final “I am so sorry, Brian.”

All Brian could do was stare at the empty chair by his side and the door that had just closed behind Justin.

Chapter 9

“Brian, honey, you look good,” Emmett exclaimed as he sashayed into the room and over to Brian's bed.

Brian couldn't help but sigh, not sure if he was ready for a visit from Emmett of all people. It wasn't that he wasn't glad that Emmett was fine and doing okay, it was just that today of all days he wasn't sure if he was in the mood for Emmett's bubbly persona. He just wanted to bury himself under his blankets and ignore the outside world. With Emmett here, that wouldn't be possible though.

“Honeycutt,” he grumbled in greeting, nodding at the old queen that had just sat down in the chair by his bedside.

“Don't call me Honeycutt,” Emmett immediately replied, waving his hands around. “How are you, honey?”

“I am not your honey,” Brian muttered, really not feeling in the mood for Emmett and his normal behaviour. It was just too much that day.

“Hmmm, still as grumpy as ever, I see. Okay, Big Bad it is,” Emmett replied, his voice never losing any of its happy exuberance.

Knowing that he wouldn't get rid of Emmett anytime soon, Brian sighed again, giving in to his fate. “What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here? Visiting you of course,” Emmett sounded outraged by the question. “You don't think I would ignore the arrival of the great God Kinney in the North, would you? And I was already here two days ago only that you were not awake to see me.”

Brian nodded, remembering that Justin had mentioned that Emmett had been by before. “Justin mentioned it.”

“Did he? Ah, good for baby.”

Brian glared at Emmett for good measure when he refered to Justin as baby, but didn't respond in any other way.

“Wow, you sure are in a mood. Not that I expected fireworks and shots or a line of tricks around the block, but geez... you sure are grumpy for someone who has just made it to freedom.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” Brian muttered, before slumping down into his pillows and pulling up his blankets.

“Hey, is everything okay?” Emmett asked, now sounding way more serious than before and eying Brian in concern.

“Of course. I am here, aren't I? So everything is awesome!”

“Brian?” Emmett sounded really concerned now. Of course he had been used to Brian's moods before, but after talking to Daphne and listening to Gus' excited tales of seeing his father, he had expected to find Brian in a much better, more agreeable mood than this.

“Everything is fine, Emmett. Stop worrying. I am here, end of story.”

Emmett eyed Brian with barely disguised doubt. “If you say so...”

An uncomfortable silence settled between the two men, before Brian took pity on his visitor and picked up the conversation again. “So, Justin said you live in Toronto as well?”

Emmett nodded, deciding to go along with whatever Brian wanted to talk about. It was better than the silence before. “Yeah, came here right after crossing the border. There's a huge community of Gilead refugees here. It's very welcoming and everyone is very helpful wanting to make your life here as easy as possible.”

Brian just nodded, so Emmett decided to go on. “At first I worked various jobs in retail, but it wasn't really what I wanted to do. I then started helping Daphne to organise her refugee charity events. You know, planning the events, catering all that kind of stuff. Turns out I had quite a talent for it, so I stuck with it. I have my own event planning and catering business now.”

Brian nodded in approval. He could always appreciate someone who had worked for their money and had managed to build something for themselves, having come from nothing himself. “Not bad!”

“It's going quite well. Between events for the Red Cross and Justin's gallery openings, I quickly started getting a reputation and good word of mouth even beyond the Gilead community here. I can't complain.”

“Good for you. It certainly seems to suit you more than retail.”

“Oh honey, you have no idea. All those fags wanting to buy shit they couldn't wear in a 1000 years, no matter what... God, I swear some of them gave me eye cancer with what they wanted to wear...”

That actually made Brian chuckle and Emmett smiled when he saw that reaction in his friend.

“And you?” Emmett asked carefully after Brian had stopped chuckling. He knew he was on dangerously thin ice, but hoped that his question was innocent enough.

“I am sure you've been given all the facts already: Made it out, got here, malnourished and dehydrated, getting taken care of by the nice Canadians up here,” Brian answered flippantly.

“That's not what I meant,” Emmett persisted.

Brian sighed. “It doesn't matter,” was all he said, before turning towards the window and staring outside.

“Brian,” Emmett started, but stopped when Brian turned to look at him with an angry glare.

“It doesn't matter,” he just repeated in a deathly quiet voice which even Emmett knew not to contradict.

The tall queen raised his hands as if to declare defeat and another uncomfortable silence settled between them.

Once again it was Brian who broke it after a while. “I am sorry about Ted. Justin told me...”

Emmett nodded, his eyes turning sad when he thought of his friend. “Thanks...another victim of Gilead,” he sighed, his eyes getting glassy.

Brian nodded, having nothing to add. There had been so many victims of the regime in Gilead, they had lost so many friends and family members. Ted had become another name on the long list of victims of that hated regime.

“It was hard on him... losing Blake on his way out, not knowing what had happened to him. He couldn't deal and broke... We lost him a long time before he actually passed away,” Emmett sighed, remembering the days when his friend had gone off the deep end.

“Does anyone know what happened to Blake?” Brian asked quietly. He hadn't really known the man well, but he knew that he had meant a lot to Ted and they had been very much in love.

“Got killed for trying to desert Gilead,” was all Emmett said and Brian nodded.

“Fuck!”

“For the longest time Justin thought you had been ...,” Emmett started, but then stopped when he saw Brian's eyes cloud over.

“It was him, wasn't it? He made sure you weren't killed,” he continued quietly, looking at Brian from compassionate eyes.

For the longest time Brian didn't react, but then nodded slowly. There was no reason to deny it. He was pretty sure that everyone had already come to that conclusion by themselves.

“That would have been too quick and easy,” Brian spat, before turning towards the window again.

“Is he still with that woman, pretending to fit in with his party friends?” Emmett nearly gagged as he spoke.

“You know, Mikey. Always playing a role if he thinks it will bring him advantages in life,” Brian spat, not wanting to think of his former best friend who had turned out to be the biggest traitor of anyone he had ever known.

When right wing, Christian nutjobs all over the US had started to campaign for senate and mayoral races, Liberty Avenue had been up in arms. Yes, Brian had helped Stockwell's campaign in Pittsburgh, because it had been his job, but at the time nobody had seen how what had been going on in Pittsburgh had been going on all over the country at the same time. How religious freaks had slowly but surely taken over city by city, county by county, state by state, until they had made it to the top of the White House and Supreme Court. At first nobody had taken the religious, far-right movement serious, had considered them nutjobs, but the more cities they had won, the more people they had convinced with their conservative message, the clearer it had become that this was a really dangerous movement and that Pittsburgh and Stockwell hadn't just been an exception in the grand scheme of things.

While most members of the LGBT community had turned against candidates like that, others, including Michael, had supported them. Apparently, they had been able to ignore the anti LGBT stance in favour of values such as low crime rates and cleaned up neighbourhoods. Michael had been all for cleaning up Liberty Avenue, now that he had been living his life as a Stepford Fag with Ben and much to Ben's distress, had soon after joined their ranks, saying that it was his duty to do his part to ensure a safer Pittsburgh.

He had quickly started climbing up the ranks of the Pittsburgh Party and hadn't even seen the wrong of his ways when Stockwell had asked him to leave behind his gay lifestyle and turn towards a more Christian, hetero lifestyle. Within a year of Stockwell gaining power, Michael had left Ben, had started working for Stockwell and had pretty much given him information on every member of the Pittsburgh LGBT community.

Within two years, Michael had been set up with a beard, a woman from the party that he claimed to love, now that he knew the right way of living his life and he had married her shortly after.

Michael had become a fighter for the core values of the party, had helped Gilead spread its message all over the country and every once in a while, he had ratted out someone in the LGBT community, to get him into a higher position with more power.

By the time all their lives had been turned into a living hell, not being able to work anymore, to earn money or to legally leave the country, Michael had been living in a huge mansion just outside of Washington, being assistant to the leader of the organisation that was in charge of Gilead's concentration camps. Michael sure had risen up the ranks while all his former friends had lost their livelihood and in many cases even their lives.

When his own mother had started to draw unwanted attention to the fact that he himself was a queer and was only living a lie to please the party, he had not stopped from having her arrested and locked away to protect his standing in the party. Michael Novotny had long ago turned away from Liberty Avenue and had turned to his new life in Gilead.

“That fucking weasel,” Emmett muttered angrily, not even trying to hide his hatred of the man.

“Between him and Craig, it was never an option to just have me killed and be done with me,” Brian muttered.

“Craig? Justin's father?” Emmet asked wide-eyed.

“Never been a fan of mine,” Brian shrugged nonchalantly.

“Does Justin know?”

“That his father is an asshole? I am sure he does...”

“That his father played a role in what happened to you in Gilead,” Emmett said slowly, as if still trying to wrap his own head around it.

Brian shrugged. “I didn't tell him, but I wouldn't be surprised if he figured it out on his own. We've all seen how Craig made Jennifer's and Molly's life a living hell.”

“Those poor souls,” Emmett sighed, knowing that there hadn't been any word on them for years. “How...how did you make it out?”

Brian shrugged, as if to not let what had happened have too much importance. “I got lucky... Caught a lucky break and made it to the border and across.”

“Just like that?” Emmett asked, his eyes wide.

“Just like that. Sometimes a lucky break is all you need.”

“Well, in that case I am glad you got it. Everyone is so relieved that you're here,” Emmett said sincerely. “And Gus... He's so happy to have you back. Poor boy, he was suffering so much... having lost Mel and Linds and then thinking that you had died as well...”

“I didn't. I am here. It's all that matters,” Brian muttered, his features closed off once more.

“Do you think... they spread that rumour of your death on purpose?” Emmett asked after a while, his mind still trying to make sense of everything.

Brian shrugged. “I wouldn't be surprised... Craig would have loved one last shot at Justin... no matter how low it was...”

“As would Michael,” Emmett pointed out, knowing how much their former friend had always hated Justin and the fact that Brian had loved Justin and not him. “He was always looking for ways to break you two up.”

“Yeah,” Brian sighed, his voice getting wistful. “I wonder if he knows that it worked...”

“Worked?” Emmett frowned, looking at Brian in confusion, though Brian noticed that he didn't nearly look as confused as he should have and was mostly pretending.

Not feeling in the mood to play any games, Brian just went ahead, saving himself and Emmett a painful conversation. “I know about Ethan... Justin told me...”

“Oh,” was all that escaped Emmett's lips, before his eyes turned incredibly sad. “I... I don't know what to say, Brian.”

“How about the truth? There seems to have been a huge lack of that in recent years...”

“Brian,” Emmett started, not feeling like he should be the one to fill Brian in on Ethan and Justin's relationship. He didn't really want to get involved in the mess he knew this would turn into.

Brian didn't have any of it though and urged Emmett to go on. “Does he love him?”

Emmett could easily hear the pain in Brian's voice as he had asked the question. Brian Kinney, the stud of Liberty Avenue who had always lived by the credo that he didn't do love and relationships and had then fallen for a 17 year old schoolboy on Liberty Avenue and had given his heart to him over the coming years. Brian might have insisted that he didn't do love or relationships, but any fool had quickly seen that Justin had been different to his usual tricks and how he usually treated them and everyone who had known them well, had quickly realised that they had been the real deal.

Especially after Justin's prom, the way Brian had taken care of him, had helped him get better, the way they had supported each other and stuck together when Stockwell had gotten elected and when the first laws against the LGBT community had been passed. The way they had stepped up and taken care of Gus once Lindsay and Melanie had received their travel authorisations to Australia. Any fool had seen that Brian Kinney did indeed do love and he did it for Justin Taylor.

Brian might have never admitted to loving Justin, but Emmett had known for a long, long time that their love had been real. Long before Gilead and even more so after the rise of that hated regime. Even more so when he had heard of Brian's sacrifice for Gus' and Justin's wellbeing. People might have argued that Brian had only done it for Gus and so that Gus would have someone to take care of him, but Brian wouldn't just have entrusted his son's life to anyone. The fact that he had entrusted it to Justin, the fact that he and Justin had made it that far in their flight attempt together spoke of the deep love Brian felt for the younger man. Emmett had never had any doubt and the pain in Brian's voice now as he asked if Justin really loved another man, was all Emmett needed to hear to know that he had been right. Brian Kinney did love. He loved Justin Taylor. Even now.

For the longest time Emmett didn't want to answer Brian's question, but in the end he knew that his friend deserved some honesty and the truth. “Yes, he does. They are good together.”

Brian closed his eyes and nodded slowly, before he turned away from Emmett once more.

“I think I am tired. I should get some sleep,” Brian said in a voice strangely void of emotions and without seeing Brian's eyes, just by the tone of his voice Emmett knew that he had been dismissed.

He looked at his friend sadly, before nodding to himself. He could understand that Brian needed some time alone to deal with the fact that the man he loved was now in love with someone else.

“I am sorry, Brian,” Emmett said quietly, as he got up and gave his friend's shoulder a squeeze. “I'll come by tomorrow or the day after to see how you're doing.”

He didn't expect a reply and wasn't surprised when he didn't get one. Looking sadly at his friend in the hospital bed that looked too big for him, almost as if it was swallowing him up whole, Emmett made his way over to the door and left.

He never saw the single tear that ran down Brian's face as the door closed behind him.

Chapter 10

“Daddy, how are you?” Gus exclaimed as he came into the room and nearly ran over to Brian's side. Brian had gotten out of bed earlier and had moved to the small table and chairs in his room and had settled there to read the day's newspaper.

“Hey, sonny boy,” Brian greeted back as he engulfed Gus in a hug and held him close. After letting go of his son, he reluctantly turned around, expecting to find Justin in his room as well. He wasn't sure if he was relieved or disappointed when he saw Daphne instead.

“Daphne,” he nodded at her, allowing her to greet him as well and sit down on the other side of the table.

“Justin was busy today, so he asked me to take Gus here,” she explained quietly and Brian left no doubt about what he thought of that.

“Yeah, I am sure he was,” he muttered, before he stopped himself, hearing Gus' small voice interrupt him.

“He has to finish a painting for some clients of his and he said he had to catch up on that as he was already far behind.”

“Yeah, I am sure my appearance must have really cut into his time to paint,” Brian said quietly, trying to keep his voice as neutral as he could muster under the circumstances. Gus nodded at his statement, apparently not catching on to the tension in his father, but Daphne sure had. She just eyed Brian from sad eyes, then slowly shook her head as if to ask him to not continue this conversation in front of Gus.

Knowing that she was right, Brian just took a deep breath and then focused on his son.

The two hours that Gus had been over to visit, had been more enjoyable than Brian had expected them to be and in the end he had been glad for his son's visit. It had cheered him up and if only for a short time had steered his thoughts away from Justin and that Ethan guy he was now living with.

Before they got ready to leave, Daphne asked Gus to head down to the cafeteria and get himself and Brian a snack. Gus was excited to go and it gave Daphne and Brian a chance to have a talk on their own.

“Brian, I...,” Daphne started, but didn't get any further before Brian interrupted her.

“So that's what it's going to be like now? He's going to ignore me while my son lives with him and his partner?”

“Brian, he's not ignoring you,” Daphne started and just went on when Brian raised an eyebrow in doubt. “Really, he's not. I am sure if you were to call him now, he would take the call.”

“You know what I mean,” Brian muttered, slowly making his way back to his bed and flopping down on it.

“He's just trying to do what's right,” Daphne argued.

“And what would that be?”

“He wants to give you some time and space to accept that things have changed,” she explained quietly.

“Things have changed? Really? You wouldn't say. I didn't notice...,” Brian muttered, making it obvious how little he cared for her explanations.

“What do you want me to say?” Daphne asked, looking him straight in the eyes.

“I... I...,” Brian started, but then didn't really know. What did he want? Well, obviously not Justin living with another man, but apparently that was what was happening and there was nothing he could do about it. He ran his hand through his hair in exasperation and sighed. “So what's going to happen now?”

Daphne shrugged. “Obviously, Gus will still come by to come and see you every day. That won't change.”

“Great,” Brian muttered sarcastically, as if he had really been concerned about that. “He's my son, why wouldn't he?”

“I just mean that...God, Brian. Look, I am sorry, okay? I am sorry that things between you and Justin are rough right now.”

“Rough?” Brian laughed a humourless laugh. “He just dropped that bomb on me and left. And then nothing but silence. I am not sure if rough is the right word for it.”

“He feels guilty,” Daphne said quietly. “And he feels bad for hurting you.”

“Guilty? What for? For going on and living his life when he thought I was dead?” Brian snarked, then took a deep breath. “There were never any locks on our doors. He was always free to leave and look for someone else.”

“Brian, you know that's not what happened here,” Daphne gave back quietly. “He mourned your death. He and Gus both did. We all thought you had died and he has tried his best to be there for Gus and raise him in the best way possible. You can't be angry about that.”

“Who says I am angry?” Brian asked, but didn't say anything else when Daphne didn't reply and just looked at him as if to say 'Really?'.

“I am not angry,” Brian sighed after several minutes.

“If you say so,” Daphne just gave back, but stopped when the door to Brian's room opened and Gus came back.

They stayed another half an hour, enjoying the snacks Gus had brought back from the cafeteria, before it was time for Gus and Daphne to head off.

Over the course of the next week, these kind of visits repeated. Gus was either taken to see Brian by Daphne or Emmett but Justin had yet to make another appearance.

With the help of Daphne and her contacts at the Red Cross, Brian had found emergency accomodation, a small, but nice apartment which he moved into when the hospital deemed him fine enough to leave their care.

He had gained some weight, had gotten over the effects of his hypothermia and dehydration and was doing as well as he could under the circumstances. The doctors had advised him that he still needed to put on more weight, but there was no reason why he shouldn't be able to do that at home instead of in a hospital. As far as they were concerned, he was fine and they had given him all the contacts, they thought he might need in the future, including that of a therapist who dealth with trauma and PTSD. Everyone knew that it was a fat chance that Brian would ever go and see that therapist, but at least the hospital had done its part.

For the first couple of days, Gus came and visited Brian in his apartment each day after school and they spent the late afternoons together. Brian would help Gus with his homework, they would go shopping and Gus would help Brian decorate his apartment and if the weather allowed it, they went to the park together, so Gus could show Brian his soccer skills. There had still been no word from Justin though and the longer the young man's silence lasted, the more pissed Brian got.

So pissed, that one day he made a call he might come to regret later on.

Justin walked up to the door and froze when he saw who was on the other side. He opened the door once he could think again and took a deep breath. “Brian, what are you doing here?”

“You don't visit, don't call and don't write, Sunshine,” Brian drawled as he leaned against the door frame. “What's a man gonna think about that?”

“Brian,” Justin sighed. “You know why...”

Brian just ignored what Justin had said and looked past him into the house. “Aren't you going to invite me in? Show me where my son lives? I mean... it seems only fair seeing how my money paid for this house, right?”

Justin's mouth opened in shock, but no sound came out of it. He wordlessly moved aside, letting Brian inside. After all the man had been right, his money had paid for this house. What was there to reply to that?

“Do you want anything to drink?” Justin asked after an uncomfortable silence had settled between them as they stood in the living-room.

“Nah, I am good,” Brian gave back, as he walked through the room and took in the way it was decorated. It looked nice and comfy, like a family home. He could see some of Gus' school stuff on the dining room table, saw what looked like musical notes on the sofa, but more than anything the pictures on the mantelpiece and on the walls told him as much. Pictures of Justin and Gus, but also pictures of another young man with them, a man he hadn't yet met, yet already knew who he was.

“So, that's Ian, I take it?” Brian asked as he nodded to one of the pictures that showed a younger, dark haired man with Gus and Justin.

“Ethan,” Justin replied quietly, watching Brian as he took in the room and the pictures on the walls.

Totally ignoring Justin's correction, Brian studied the picture closer. “Hmmmm, cute I guess. Never thought that would be your type, though.” He turned around and touched his chin. “Didn't think you had a thing for dead animals on your face.”

Justin sighed impatiently. “Brian...”

“I told you, you don't visit, you don't call. What's a man got to do to speak to you?”

“You could have told Daphne or Gus. I could have given you a call,” Justin pointed out, before he moved over to the armchair and sank down in it.

“Ah, but you see, why involve other people in our business?” Brian drawled, before he leaned against the mantelpiece, looking at Justin from curious eyes. “So, ignoring me until the end of all times... was that your grand plan for the future?”

Justin ran a hand through his hair and sighed. “No... I didn't have any plan, really,” he finally admitted.

“You drop a bomb like that on me and then just disappear. Not nice, Sunshine...”

“I thought it was for the best,” Justin shrugged.

“For you? Or for me?”

“Brian, what do you want me to say? That I am sorry? Yeah, I fucking am. That I wish things were different? Well... maybe... but... it is what it is and I thought not having to see me was the best for you.”

“Awwww, so much concern for me. My heart feels so warmed by that much concern.”

“Look, if you're just here to be sarcastic, I think it's better if you leave.”

“We need to talk,” Brian said, interrupting Justin, before he could go on.

Justin nodded slowly, before he met Brian's eyes. “Okay. What about?”

“Gus, for starters. Finances. Those kind of things.”

Justin nodded, his whole body tense. He tried to act nonchalantly, but it was very obvious that he wasn't. “What about Gus?”

“How to go on now that I am no longer in the hospital. He's my son, he wants to spend time with me...”

At that point Justin interrupted. “Which he does, every day.”

“Ah Sunshine, two hours a day is not really what I had in mind. And I doubt it's what he had in mind.”

“So, what are you saying?”

“I want Gus to move in with me,” Brian declared, looking Justin straight in the eye as he said it.

“WHAT?” Justin's mouth dropped open in shock. Yes, he had been scared of this for weeks now, but being scared of something and then hearing it come true were still two very different things.

“You heard me.”

“But... this is his home. This is where he has his room, his things...”

“Things can be moved into new rooms,” Brian shrugged.

“Does Gus know about this?” Justin just asked, looking at Brian from shocked eyes.

“Not in detail, no. I haven't talked to him about it yet. I know though that he wants to spend more time with me.”

“Which means spending less time with me and Ethan,” Justin pointed out to which Brian only shrugged.

“Brian... this is his home. We are his family.”

“I am not saying that he can't ever see you again,” Brian pointed out. “I am just saying that I want him to move in with me.”

“And where would he live? You don't even have room for him in your apartment.”

“And how would you know that, never having been there?” Brian asked, but then waved Justin's comment and his own question away. “It doesn't matter really, I am sure your bestie has kept you in the loop. Which really brings me to the next point: Finances. I need statements for the account that I set up in Canada.”

Justin nodded, not really shocked anymore by this point. And after all, Brian was right, it was his money. He had set up the account in Canada for a better future outside of Gilead at a time when Justin had been a poor student, not able to contribute at all to their costs. It had been Brian's money that had bought them this house, it had been Brian's money that had paid for his studies. He couldn't deny Brian access to his own account now that he was in need of money.

“I can set up a meeting with the accountant in care of that account,” Justin replied, trying to get his head around everything that had been said in this conversation.

“Great!” Brian said, before he moved over towards the door. “I guess that was it, really. See? That wasn't too painful, was it, Sunshine?”

'Maybe not for you', Justin thought to himself, but thought better than to say it out loud. Instead he just shrugged. “What about the money from the account that has been spent? On this house, on my studies? I expect you want me to repay that?”

Brian stopped in his tracks and looked at Justin for the longest time. “Don't be stupid, Sunshine,” he finally said, his eyes never leaving Justin's. “I told you that money was set up for our future in Canada. That includes you and Gus.”

And with that Brian left without another word, but the way he had said 'our future in Canada' had told Justin all he needed to know about how hurt Brian really was and how Brian was just hiding behind that mask of bravado he had put on for this visit.

Brian might act like he was fine and like he didn't really care and like everything was just one big joke to him, but the way he had looked at Justin, the way he had said 'our future in Canada' had told Justin the truth and it had broken his heart all over again.

***

“He's doing this to hurt me. To lash out at me,” Justin sighed, resting his head on Ethan's chest, allowing his partner to gently caress his arms.

“Jus, stop it. You don't know that. Maybe he really just wants to spend more time with his son,” Ethan argued.

“Ethan, you don't know him as well as I do. I hurt him. I broke his heart, not that he would ever admit it and now... now he's trying to pay me back.”

“Maybe you're just overreacting because you're scared,” Ethan pointed out, gently pulling Justin closer and holding him tighter.

“Of course, I am scared. He wants to take Gus away from us. This is Gus' home. I've been the one raising him for years. What does Brian even know about raising him?”

“He's his father. I am sure he'd figure it out just like you did.”

“Don't you even care at all that he wants to take Gus away from us? How can you just stay so cold and indifferent?” Justin angrily asked, looking up at his partner from disappointed eyes. “I thought you loved Gus.”

“And I do. You know that I love Gus. Don't start doubting that because you're scared. I love Gus and always will, but... and yes, there is a but and you won't like it, Brian is Gus' father. Not you, not me. As much as we would want to be, we are not his fathers, but Brian is. And if Brian wants to raise him, I guess he's got the right to do so. It wouldn't mean that we'll never see Gus again. Maybe you and Brian can come up with an arrangement that would work for everyone involved.”

“How do we even know that he's fit to raise Gus? I mean... hell... nobody knows what happened to him in Gilead. What if he's traumatised and in no condition to take care of Gus?”

“Jus, stop it. You're grasping at straws. Do you really think he would want Gus to live with him if he knew he wasn't fit enough to take care of him? From what you always told me, he loved Gus with all of his being. He sacrificed himself, so Gus would be safe with you in Canada. He doesn't sound like a man, who would do all that for his son only to now put his own best interest before his son's.”

“If it meant getting back at me,” Justin muttered, turning to lie on his back and staring at the ceiling.

“Why?” Ethan asked, looking at Justin from confused eyes. “You've done nothing wrong and I am sure he knows that.”

Justin sighed. “What if he doesn't? What if he's angry with me now for being with you and wants to get back at me because I moved on while whatever happened to him in Gilead happened to him?”

“That doesn't sound like the person you always described to me. When you talked about him, you always described him as loving and caring and doing everything he could to keep the people he loved happy,” Ethan pointed out.

“But what if he's not that person anymore? What if he has changed?” Justin argued.

“You know that there's only one way to find out,” Ethan said quietly.

“Ethan, I can't just act like nothing happened and be friends with him.”

“Nobody's asking you to act like nothing happened, but you can't argue that for Gus' sake, you will have to find a way to communicate with Brian. You can't keep ignoring him like you did last week.”

Justin sighed once more, knowing that Ethan was right. Ethan had urged him all week to go and see Brian and speak to him again, instead of ignoring him. That had been Justin's call, because Justin hadn't known how to face Brian and how to behave around him and Brian's earlier visit had only proven how out of his comfort zone Justin really was.

“You should stop pushing me into my ex-boyfriend's arms like that,” Justin tried to joke, but knew himself that the joke would fall flat. “I might get doubts about my place at your side.”

“I am not pushing you into anyone's arms, but my own,” Ethan gave back, ignoring Justin's bad attempt at humour, instead turning over and wrapping his arms around his partner. He left small kisses all over Justin's throat, before he moved up to his chin and then his lips. “I am just asking you to do the right thing for Gus. Brian is Gus' father after all,” he whispered into the kiss.

After that, they didn't speak about Brian anymore that night.

Chapter 11

Three days later Justin found himself outside of an apartment complex that he had never been to before, looking for Brian's last name next to the doorbells connected to each apartment. When he finally found it, he pressed the button, hoping against hope that maybe Brian wouldn't be home.

Seconds later that hope was disappointed, when a gruff voice came back to him over the intercom.

“Yeah?”

“It's me,” he just replied, not really sure what else to say. A second later he heard the door buzz and pressed it open. He went up to the third floor and then looked for apartment F, which was Brian's as per the address he had been given by Daphne. As he made his way upstairs, he cursed himself for even hoping that Brian might be out. Where would he be? He hardly knew anyone in Toronto except for his old friends from Pittsburgh who would mostly be working or in Gus' case would be in school and unlike them, Brian didn't have a job, so didn't really have a place to go. Justin chastised himself for even having gone as far as hoping that Brian might be out, knowing that at the end of the day everyone around him was right and that they needed to talk. There was no way around it.

As he turned the corner to apartment F on the correct floor, he stopped when he saw Brian leaning against the door frame, looking at him with mild interest in his eyes. “Didn't expect to see you here...”

“I promised I would get you the information from the accountant,” Justin offered, waving around the manila folder he was holding.

“Hmmm, I thought you said something about setting up a meeting with the accountant,” Brian drawled, clearly remembering what Justin had said in their last conversation at his house.

“Yeah, I figured this would be faster, but if you want, I can still set up that meeting,” he said, trying to avoid looking at Brian. Brian was barefoot, wearing jeans and a black wifebeater and even though he wasn't as ripped as he used to be and was clearly still missing weight, he looked good. Justin mentally shook himself, forcing himself to stop thinking in terms like that. He was with Ethan now and Brian's looks didn't matter and weren't of any consequence at all to the conversation they were about to have. He cleared his throat before he went on.

“Can I come in?”

Brian shrugged as if he couldn't care less and stepped back into his apartment, wordlessly inviting Justin to follow him.

The younger man did and couldn't help but take a look around in curiousity. This definitely wasn't the loft and the furniture was way outdated and absolutely not Brian's style, but as far as apartments went, it was nice. Justin had definitely seen worse in his time.

“This is nice,” he said politely, nodding at the apartment around him.

Brian only shrugged again. “It'll have to do for now.” He then walked over to what was the kitchen and picked up a mug with steaming liquid inside. “You want one as well? Or something else?” He asked, indicating the coffee in his hands.

“Nah, I am good. I really just wanted to give you these,” Justin said as he handed the manila envelope to Brian.

Brian put down the coffee mug again and took the envelope, opening it. He took a quick glance at the papers inside, raising an eyebrow every once in a while, before he put the papers on the kitchen table and looked at Justin. “Say what you want about good, old Theodore, but the man knew how to take care of money.”

Justin could only nod as Brian was right. Ted had done well investing Brian's money in Canada and the money had brought in good proceeds over the years it had been invested in Canada. Even though he had paid for his studies and the house with that money, there was still a sizeable chunk left that would allow Brian to live very comfortably for some time to come.

Picking up the papers again, Brian went through them once more, then stopped at a particular document with a frown. “What's this?” He asked, raising an eyebrow in confusion as he turned to look at Justin.

Without even seeing the document, Justin knew what he was talking about. “It's a contract that I want us to sign, outlining a repayment schedule for the money taken out of that account to pay for my studies and the house,” he explained calmly.

Brian kept eyeing him for the longest time, before he ran a hand through his hair. He sighed deeply and his voice was incredibly sad when he spoke. “I don't want your money. I told you.”

“And I don't care. It was your money, not mine. At the time I didn't have any, so I was glad to use it, but now... things have changed and I have money, so I want to repay you.”

“Good for you,” Brian said, before he turned around, looking at the stove as if it had the answers to the universe's most urgent question. “I don't want you to pay me back.”

It had been quiet and once again Justin couldn't help but hear a sadness in Brian's voice that he didn't quite know how to place.

“Brian, I...,” Justin started, but didn't get any further, as Brian turned around and looked him straight in the eye.

“It was for our future in Canada. Yours, Gus', mine. That's what you used it for. Your and Gus' future. So the money went exactly where it was supposed to go. End of story.”

“Brian, you know that's not true.”

“It is for me,” was all Brian said, before he took his mug of coffee again.

Justin eyed him and could see that Brian's walls had come back up. The sadness he had heard earlier was now gone and a business-like tone had replaced it.

“This money was not meant to pay for a house that I would be living in with another man,” Justin said truthfully, his eyes never leaving Brian's. He saw a small flicker of something that looked like pain, before a cold gaze met his own.

“Well, we all know plans don't always work out the way we intend to. This money was meant to provide for my son's future and it did. It gave him a roof over his head. End of story.”

“Brian,” Justin started once more, but was interrupted by Brian right away.

“End of story. I will not take your money. If that's all, I have to get back to what I was doing earlier,” Brian snarked, walking over to the door of his apartment.

Justin had the decency not to ask what that had been as he couldn't really imagine what Brian might have been so busy with that would have been more important than this conversation.

When Brian noticed that Justin wasn't following, he turned around once more, looking at him in clear annoyance for not leaving.

“What about Gus?” Justin just said in explanation for not moving.

“What about him?”

“Acting stupid doesn't suit you,” Justin just sighed which earned him an angry glare from Brian. He looked around the apartment once more and could see two doors that led away from the kitchen/living area. He assumed that one was the bathroom and one was the bedroom. “Where would he be staying if he moved in here? I don't see a room for him.”

“He can have the master bedroom,” Brian said, pointing to one of the doors.

“And you? Where would you sleep?”

Brian shrugged, before he nodded towards the sofa. “It'll do.”

“Brian,” Justin sighed, trying not to get angry. “He has a perfectly fine room at home. Why move him in here where you would end up on that ratty old sofa?”

“It wouldn't be forever. Just until I find a better place,” Brian gave back, nodding towards the papers Justin had given him earlier, indicating what he wanted to do with the money left in the account.

“Can't we come to a better agreement? Together?” Justin suggested, trying to stay as calm as he could be. “For Gus' sake? I get it, he's your son and you want him to live with you, but... for the last couple of years... we have built a life here, Brian. The house is Gus' home. It's close to his school, his friends. And... Ethan and I...we are his family, Brian.”

“I am his family. I am his father,” Brian angrily shot back, throwing his best Kinney glare in Justin's direction. Weaker men had stumbled from the intensity of that glare, but not Justin.

“And I have been the closest thing he had to a father for the last five years,” the younger man immediately shot back. “What good will pulling him out of his home do? What good will losing the stability that he knows be for him?”

“That doesn't make you his father. I am very grateful for what you did for him, but now that I am here, I will have my son live with me.”

“Brian, please. Just... think about this reasonably for a second. Gus' life has been uprooted so many times before because of everything he has already been through. He's finally settled and happy. Why take that away from him?”

“So living with me wouldn't make him happy?” Brian asked, his anger rising again.

Justin sighed. “That's not what I said. I... I just want us to keep Gus' wellbeing a priority here.”

“It has always been my priority, so don't you dare say otherwise,” Brian hissed, glaring even more intensely than before.

“I know, I fucking know, okay?” Justin felt himself losing the last of his patience. “I was there that night. I fucking know!”

An uncomfortable silence settled between them as each man tried to avoid meeting the other man's eyes.

It was Justin who first broke the silence after a couple of minutes of just taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself down.

“I know that you're angry with me. I know that you want to lash out at me and want to punish me. I get that... I do! I just don't want you to pull Gus into whatever this is between us. You are angry with me? Fine, I can live with that. I know I deserve that. Gus doesn't however. He is not at fault for me being with Ethan. So... think very carefully about uprooting his whole life just because you want to punish me. It's all I am asking. I just want us to come to a solution together that will not harm Gus in any way.”

With that Justin walked past a speechless Brian and left the apartment, leaving Brian to stare after him, trying to figure out what had just happened.

***

“Dad? Dad?” Gus asked, looking at Brian, sighing in slight annoyance, because his father had once again missed a very easy pass when he had passed the soccer ball to him.

Brian shook his head, then looked at Gus and the ball that was rolling away from him and sighed.

“Sorry, sonny boy.”

He went to pick up the ball, then walked over to where Gus was standing.

“Are you okay, Dad?”

Brian nodded, before he wrapped his arm around Gus' shoulder, pulling him close. “Yeah, just thinking about something else. Sorry. I am a bit distraced today. Maybe it's better if we head back to the apartment and get started on your homework.”

Gus frowned for a second, not quite sure what to make of that statement. They usually went to the park close to his father's apartment after school to kick around the soccer ball for a bit, before they would go back and get started on his homework. They always did it and he wasn't quite sure why today would be different, but seeing the clouded look on his father's face, he knew that it was probably better to just go along.

“Okay,” he nodded without much enthusiasm, walking along as they left the park.

“I am sorry. I'll make it up to you tomorrow, okay?” Brian promised, squeezing Gus' shoulder.

The younger boy nodded, but didn't reply anything else to that.

Once they arrived back at Brian's apartment, they both got cleaned up, had a quick snack and then settled down at Brian's kitchen table to get started on Gus' homework. Gus was a good student, very smart and school usually came easy for him, so he didn't need much help from Brian.

Brian watched as Gus worked on his French vocabulary and helped him test his knowledge. Once Gus moved on to physics, Brian's mind wandered to his earlier conversation with Justin.

“Would you like staying here for longer? Maybe spending a weekend, sonny boy?” Brian suddenly asked, breaking the silence.

Gus looked up with a confused frown. “A weekend?”

“I was thinking that it would be nice to have you here for a bit longer than just a couple of hours every day. Maybe we could spend a weekend together, take a trip somewhere?” Brian explained some more to his confused son.

“Uhm, sure,” Gus agreed, nodding happily, before his face turned into a frown. “Where would I sleep?”

Brian nodded towards the bedroom. “You can have the bedroom. I'll take the sofa.”

“Are you sure?” Gus asked, raising an eyebrow in doubt as he looked at the old sofa in the living area that looked far from comfortable.

“Yeah, sure. I might even get a new one if you come to spend more time here.”

Gus nodded. “Sure, yeah. Maybe we can go to the Toronto Islands. The ferry ride over is quite nice and they have some fun things to do there.”

“Yeah, sounds like a plan,” Brian agreed, enjoying Gus' idea, so far only having heard about the islands, but not having been there.

“Ethan always takes me on rides at the amusement park while Justin is busy sketching the flowers,” Gus enthusiastically told his father, before turning more conspiratorial. “They both suck at soccer, so they always let me do other things because they can't play. Maybe we can play in one of the parks on the islands?” He suggested.

“Yeah, sounds good,” Brian agreed, loving that he and his son apparently had found something that was just theirs. Apparently soccer was something that only they enjoyed and were good at and he loved that he and his son had something in common even after all the years they had spent apart.

After Gus had turned back to his homework, Brian watched him for a while, turning thoughtful once more. After about half an hour of comfortable silence, he asked a question he didn't even know he would ask until it had left his mouth already. “So... you like Ethan?”

Gus looked up and nodded. “Yeah, he's cool. He's fun to be with. He sucks at soccer and video games though. At least Justin can play video games, but Ethan's a lost cause. He's all about his violin.”

“His violin?” Brian frowned, not quite sure what Gus was refering to.

“He plays the violin for the Toronto Symphony Orchestra. He is really good, though it's not really my type of music,” Gus shrugged. “I hate when we have to go to any of their concerts. Justin usually wanted me to come along, but Ethan talked him into allowing me to stay home with Daphne instead. He knows it's not really my cup of tea and he's fine with it.”

Brian tried to imagine his son sitting through a performance of the Symphony Orchestra and couldn't really imagine that. His son was very active and loved moving around. He could only imagine how much Gus must have hated those concerts. For a second Brian wondered why Justin would have taken Gus along to begin with, but then he realised that as a WASP, Justin had been raised that way and had learned from an early age that the Symphony was something that was a part of life. He wondered if Justin really liked the music or if it was just something he was used to listening to because he had been raised that way.

“Yeah, not sure I would like it either. Violin music sounds like a cat is being strangled,” Brian muttered, then made a face to underline his distaste of that type of music.

Gus laughed at his father's reaction. “I know, right? Justin seems to like it. I guess Ethan does, or he wouldn't be playing the violin, but really? It just sounds weird...”

“You are my son after all,” Brian smiled, running his hand through Gus' auburn hair and chuckling in amusement. “I am proud of you, sonny boy!”

Gus glowed at his father's pride, before his face turned serious again. “Ethan has a new concert next weekend. Maybe I could come over then and stay with you? That way Daphne wouldn't have to come over and could maybe join Justin at the concert for once,” Gus suggested.

While Brian doubted that Daphne was much of a fan of symphonies either, he liked the thought of having Gus over for a weekend too much to mention that to his sonny boy.

“Sounds like a plan. Why don't I check with Justin to see what he thinks about it?”

Gus nodded enthusiastically, looking forward to spending a weekend with his father.

***

“Ethan, I don't know,” Justin sighed, after he had put down the phone receiver and given his partner a summary of his earlier call with Brian.

“Why not? You know that Gus hates going. And what difference does it make if it's Daphne or his Dad watching him while you're out?” The older man reasoned. “You know he would love to spend time with Brian.”

“Yeah,” Justin huffed, before he flopped down next to his partner on the sofa.

“Justin,” Ethan sighed, rubbing his partner's shoulders in support. “Are you scared he will love it too much?”

“What? No!” Justin exclaimed, but both he and Ethan knew that his answer had been too quick to be an honest one.

“Just because he wants to spend time with his Dad and loves being around him, doesn't mean he loves you or me any less, honey.”

“I know...,” Justin muttered, slowly exhaling as he spoke. “What if Brian gets him to agree that living with him is the best way to go forward?”

“Then we will figure out a way to make it possible,” Ethan said, preparing himself for the explosion he knew would be coming. And indeed, it only came a second later.

“WHAT?” Justin looked at his partner from wide eyes as if he had grown a second head. “You can't be serious.”

“Jus, calm down. You know that if Brian wants Gus to live with him, there is nothing we can do about it. Brian is his biological father and will get custody without any problems. We are not his parents, no matter how much we would like to be.”

“But... we don't even know if Brian is in any state to take care of him. And... this is his home!”

“Yes, it is. And by supporting him in whatever choice he makes, we will show him that it will always be that. You would push him away if you tried to stop him, honey. You know that. You know how determined Gus can be at his young age and if Brian wants him to live with him and Gus wants to live with his father, you going against that wish will only turn Gus against you. Our best hope is to support him in whatever he wants to do and to show him that no matter what, we will always be there for him. Even if he wants to live with his father, we will still love him and be there for him.”

“How can you be so reasonable about this?” Justin asked, looking at his partner accusingly. “It would break my heart to have him leave our home.”

“I didn't say it would be easy. You know how much I love Gus and you know how much he means to me, but he's getting to an age where he will start to make up his own mind about things and... while he does so, it's for us to support him and help him as best as we can.”

“I am not sure I can,” Justin admitted honestly, knowing that it was the truth. If it came down to losing Gus, he wasn't sure that he could be supportive about it as it happened.

“Of course you could. You always have his best interest at heart and deep down you know that you would never do anything that would risk his happiness.”

“But he's happy here,” Justin pointed out, helplessly throwing his hands around their living room.

“Which doesn't mean he couldn't be happy living with his father either,” Ethan replied calmly, pulling Justin closer. “It's just for a weekend. Don't overthink it, okay? Who knows? Maybe it won't even work out and Gus will come back at the end of it, complaining about how much he hated it. Stranger things have happened.”

“One can only hope,” Justin muttered, before he buried his face in his partner's shoulders, feeling ashamed for his own thoughts.

“Give them this one weekend. What's the worst that could happen?”

“That he doesn't want to come back and wants to stay with Brian right away?” Justin muttered, before he slowly pulled back from Ethan's embrace and looked at him, feeling embarrassed by his own thoughts. “God, I am horrible.”

Ethan chuckled, leaving a small kiss on Justin's lips. “But you're my horrible man and I love you, because it just shows how much you care about Gus.”

“Maybe you're right... I mean... it would only be for one night and... I can't really say no, can I?” Justin frowned, looking at Ethan hopefully.

“Not without risking that Gus will hate you and Brian will come after us with a custody lawyer. He is Gus' father. It's as simple as that. And honestly, the more we can all try to find a solution together, the better it will be for Gus in the end. So if you want to make Gus really happy, allow him to stay with Brian for the weekend.”

Justin stayed silent for the longest time and after several minutes of thinking it over and looking at it from all sides, he finally gave in and nodded, knowing that once again Ethan was right.

Chapter 12

A couple of days later the big day had come and Justin had taken a happy Gus and his backpack to Brian's apartment.

“And you give me a call at any time if you need anything, okay?” Justin repeated for what felt like the twentieth time to an annoyed Gus and an equally annoyed Brian.

“Jeez, Sunshine. Calm down. He's going to spend one night with his father, not going to fucking Timbuktu,” Brian snarled.

Justin just threw an angry glare in Brian's direction, but otherwise ignored his comment which had made Gus chuckle in amusement.

“I'll be fine, Justin. It's just me and Dad and one night. What could possibly go wrong?” Gus reasoned, looking at Justin with the most innocent look he could muster.

Justin was ready to start on a lengthy reply to that question, but before he could do so, Brian took over and walked over to the door. “It'll be fine. It's not like I've never looked after my own son before.”

There was an edge to Brian's voice now which spoke of his anger rising and Justin knew the man well enough to know that this was not the time to goad him for an argument. Not in front of Gus in any case. Finally giving in and just nodding in defeat, Justin walked over to the door, ignoring the smug smile that was now on Brian's face.

“Have fun, Gus and remember to call me if you need anything, okay?”

“It will be fine,” both father and son said in unison which would have made Justin chuckle at the cuteness of the situation if it hadn't been so tense all around. Instead he just nodded once more and then left.

“Finally,” Gus sighed, sounding like a typical teenager who was glad that an annoying parent had just left.

Brian closed the door behind Justin, then turned to Gus with a serious expression. “He's just worried about you. You should be glad that he cares about you so much.”

Hearing something in his father's voice that he couldn't quite place, Gus knew even at his young age that it was better not to contradict, so he just nodded instead. And maybe his father was right. After all he knew that Justin loved him and had always cared about him. Why else would he have kept him around and raised him like his own son after they had left Gilead?

After they had unpacked Gus' things in the master bedroom, they made their way to the Toronto islands and spent a fun day on the islands. They had ice-cream (well, Gus had and Brian complained that he wouldn't be caught dead eating something as unhealthy), played some soccer, enjoyed some of the rides at the amusement park, before heading back to Brian's apartment in the evening.

They decided to go out and watch a movie at a movie theatre close by and had dinner at an Italian pizza place, that was only acceptable to Brian because they also offered many different salads to choose from on their menu.

Gus was poking fun at his father for still not eating anything that would be considered unhealthy in the slightest regard even though his doctors had expressly told him to gain more weight. Brian just shrugged his shoulders, saying that he had never really liked most foods that other people liked and that he was more than happy with his salad.

Brian relented his stance on unhealthy food a bit for the movie however, when he agreed to share a big bowl of popcorn with his son.

After the movie they returned to Brian's apartment and got ready for bed. It had been a long, but fun day and both father and son had enjoyed spending more time together than just the few hours each day they were used to after school was over.

***

Justin groaned when he heard his phone, wondering who would be calling him in what had to be the middle of the night. It was clearly still pitch-dark outside, judging by what little he could see in the room and after he forced himself to open one eye against his better judgement, he frowned when he saw that it was 3.12am on the alarm clock.

He and Daphne had had a fun night at the Symphony, though they had had more fun making fun of most of the patrons there than really enjoying the concert. Yes, every once in a while Justin could stomach a Symphony, but if it wasn't for Ethan playing in the Orchestra, he could have very well done without attending this particular performance. He wanted to be a supportive partner however and knew that Ethan supported him at his shows as well, so attending the Symphony Orchestra's performances was the least he could do. And the performance had been a great success, which had made Ethan very happy and had led to a very enjoyable night once they had made their way home.

Without Gus in the house, they had made full use of the empty house and that was another reason why Justin felt annoyed at his damn phone still ringing. He had only made it to bed about an hour and a half ago. If at all. Damn!

“Yeah,” he angrily muttered as he picked up the call, not even bothering to check who was calling him.

“Justin?”

Justin was suddenly wide awake when he recognised the voice that was speaking to him and even more than that recognised how scared that voice sounded.

“Gus? Are you okay?”

“Justin, something is wrong with Dad...”

“Okay, Gus. Calm down,” Justin said as he sat up and turned on the lamp on the night table. “What is going on? What is wrong with your Dad?”

Justin could feel Ethan's hand on his back and when he turned around to look at him, he saw his partner's concerned gaze meeting his.

“I don't know...,” Gus was clearly crying by now, Justin could easily hear it. “He... he's screaming, but... I think it's a nightmare. I don't know... He doesn't wake up. I tried waking him up, but he just continues to scream and hit at everything around him. Is he okay, Justin? Why won't he wake up?”

“Okay, Gus. I need you to stay calm, okay? I am sure your Dad is alright and that it's just a nightmare. I want you to step away from him, you hear me? If he has a nightmare, he might hit you without intending to. So please, honey, just step back, okay? I am on my way over and I'll be there in a couple of minutes, alright?”

“But... what...,” Gus started, only to be interrupted by Justin, who had by now gotten up from the bed and with one hand was trying to get into his jeans.

“Just do as I said, okay, Gus? I'll be there in a few minutes. I am just getting dressed now, okay?”

“Okay,” Gus whimpered, tears still easy to hear in his voice.

Without much explanation and just a quick glance to Ethan, Justin left the room and house less than a minute later.

On his way over to Brian's apartment, he stayed on the phone with Gus and tried to calm him down as much as he could, while at the same time wondering what was going on.

He thought that Gus' guess that it was a nightmare sounded pretty reasonable. He remembered how the nurses at the hospital had mentioned restless nights and Brian having been agitated during the night and he knew from his own experience after his prom how harrowing nightmares could be. Not really knowing what Brian had been through in Gilead, but easily able to imagine the worst, he wouldn't be surprised if the man was suffering from nightmares. He just wondered why Brian hadn't mentioned anything. Why hadn't he mentioned this before?

At the same time as he was asking that question to himself, he already knew the answer. Because Brian was Brian and would never admit anything that could be considered as a weakness by others. Brian would never admit to suffering from nightmares because to him it would only mean that he was too weak to deal with whatever had happened to him in Gilead. Brian Kinney, the master of 'moving on and forgetting about it'. Justin could remember well from the time after the prom how that had been Brian's way forward when all Justin had wanted to do was talk to someone about what had happened to him. Every time he had tried, Brian had just shut him down, had told him that it was in the past and he should move on and with time that had been what they had done, because Justin hadn't known any better. Being older now, having been through grief counseling after he had thought that Brian had died, he knew that there were far better ways to deal with trauma, but he doubted that Brian Kinney would ever agree to anything like therapy or talking about feelings.

Sighing to himself, he felt his anger rise inside of him. The more he heard Gus' scared voice, the angrier he was with Brian for not having done anything to prevent this. Why hadn't he mentioned that he was suffering from nightmares, so they could have at least prepared Gus for whatever he was seeing now? If not going ahead and cancelling the whole overnight stay altogether.

Justin was still talking to Gus, now trying to control his anger at Brian at the same time. “Gus, I am outside the building now. Can you buzz me in?”

A few seconds later Justin heard the buzzing sound and opened the door, making his way up to Brian's floor. When he got off the elevator, he saw Gus standing in the doorway, tears running down his scared face.

“Hey, it's okay. I am here now,” Justin whispered as he pulled the boy close and held him tight. He felt how the tension slowly left the small body in his arms and felt Gus relax into his embrace.

“Is he okay? I am so scared,” Gus whispered, before he stepped back and allowed Justin inside the apartment.

Justin immediately saw Brian twisting and turning on the sofa, saw him clutching the sheets with white knuckles and saw the sweat pouring down his face. His shirt was soaked already. The screaming that Gus had mentioned earlier and that he had been able to hear on the phone, had by now calmed down to a hoarse moaning.

“No...nooooooo, no, please, no...PLEEEAAAAASE!” Brian was moaning over and over as he grabbed the sheets tighter around himself.

“Gus, I know that you're scared, but I am sure your Dad is fine. It's just a nightmare. A bad one, but just a nightmare. I need you to go to your bedroom and wait in there, okay? I'll try to wake him up, but I don't want him to accidentally hurt you by lashing out when he wakes up, okay?”

Gus looked torn for a few seconds and it was clear that he was ready to fight Justin on this and wanted to stay with his father. “But...,”

“No but, Gus. Please! I need you to do as you're told. I'll get you once your Dad has woken up and is alright. I promise!”

Knowing that Justin was serious and that contradicting him would probably only mean that his Dad would be in his nightmare longer, Gus finally hung his head and nodded.

“Thanks, Gus. You're a good boy,” Justin said, as he pulled the boy closer once more and kissed the top of his head. “You did well calling me, Gus. Very well!”

He watched as the boy trotted to the bedroom and once the door had closed, Justin sighed and walked over to the sofa where Brian was still not showing any signs of waking up.

Knowing from his own experience with nightmares and what Brian had told him from the nights when he had suffered from them, he knew that touching Brian would be a very bad idea. Brian was caught in his dream and wouldn't realise that it was Justin. He would think that it was most likely someone from his dream and would lash out. He remembered that more than once he had hit Brian and had given him some decent bruises during those early nights of nightmares.

He slowly walked over to the sofa, but stopped a short distance away, so that Brian wouldn't be able to reach him in case he lashed out.

“Brian? Brian, it's me. Justin... It's okay... wake up... it's okay, it's just a dream,” he started saying quietly, repeating the words over and over. He knew from what Brian had told him in the past, that with him the familiar voice had always helped to pull him back from his nightmares and he hoped that it would be the same for Brian.

“It's Justin. We're here, in Toronto, in your apartment. You're here with me and Gus... it's just a dream. Wake up...”

He kept saying those things over and over for a few minutes and just as he was about to start wondering if it might not be working, he saw how Brian slowly started to calm down. He saw how the twisting and turning got less, how his hold on the sheets lessened and his moaning got more quiet.

“That's it, Brian. That's it... I am here. Everything is alright. You can wake up.”

After several more minutes, Justin finally knew that Brian was close to waking up. He saw him move his head in the direction of Justin's voice and saw him say his nickname more than really hearing it.

“Sunshine?”

“Yes, I am here,” Justin agreed, slowly moving closer to the sofa now that Brian's violent movements had calmed down. When he felt that it was safe enough, he sat down on the edge of the sofa, so his voice would be even closer to Brian's ear. “Wake up, I am here.”

Another minute or two later, Brian's eyes finally snapped open. Justin could see how disorientated the man was and how his eyes were darting around the room over and over, before they settled on Justin's face. “Sunshine?”

Brian's voice was hoarse and he sounded exhausted, but Justin could still hear the relief in that voice when Brian realised that Justin was there.

“Yeah, I am here. It's okay, Brian. It was just a nightmare.”

Justin continued talking quietly for a couple more minutes, helping Brian to completely come back from his nightmare, helping the man to get grounded in reality instead of being pulled back into his nightmare.

Once he was sure that Brian had completely shaken the nightmare and was now awake, he went up to the bathroom and came back with a cold, wet washcloth. He knew better than to touch Brian, knowing how sensitive to touch he had always been after his nightmares and instead just started wiping away some of the sweat on Brian's forehead.

Brian's eyes never left Justin's, watching his movement and sighing in relief when the cold washcloth hit his hot skin. “What are you doing here?” Brian asked after a minute, finally back in reality and realising that Justin shouldn't be in his apartment.

“Gus called me. He was scared and didn't know what to do,” was all the younger man said, trying to keep his voice as neutral as he could. There would be a time to be angry with Brian later, but it wasn't now. Not when he had just come out of what seemed to be a real night terror.

“What happened?” Brian asked, still feeling slightly confused, but slowly coming around.

“You had one hell of a nightmare, I'd say,” Justin said quietly, before letting go of the washcloth and handing it over to Brian.

The older man slowly pulled himself into a sitting position, then wrinkled his nose. “God, I am disgusting.” He slowly touched his own chest and frowned at the shirt which was wet from his own sweat.

“Take a shower. It always helped me after my nightmares,” Justin said quietly as he got up from the sofa. “I'll check on Gus.”

Without another word he left the living area of the apartment and moved into the bedroom, leaving Brian on his own.

Brian watched after him for a minute, then forced himself to get up, knowing that Justin was right. A shower would most likely help him to feel human again. He could still remember how much Justin had always claimed that warm showers had helped him after particularly bad nightmares.

Fifteen minutes later, Brian came out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped tightly around his waist, indeed feeling much better. He looked at the mess that was the sofa, then decided that he couldn't be bothered right now and moved over to the bedroom as well.

He could only imagine how scared Gus must have been and wanted to check in on him as well. Additionally, he also needed some clean clothes which were in his wardrobe in his bedroom.

As he opened the door, he saw Justin on the bed with Gus, the small boy cradled tightly in his arms, by the looks of it, both of them asleep.

He walked over slowly, the sight of Justin cradling his son in his arms, warming his heart. It looked so natural, so normal and he was sure they had fallen asleep like that many times before, giving each other comfort and whatever relief they could offer from the pain they were going through.

Justin's love for Gus had always amazed him. He had always been fascinated by the true and honest way in which Justin had loved Gus. He wasn't related to him, had no connection to him other than Gus being Brian's son and yet he had always loved Gus as if he were his own son. Years ago when Gus had been a baby, Justin's ability to love him had already amazed Brian and now, he could only marvel at it again. His own parents couldn't even be bothered to love him and he had been their biological child. Same for Justin who had been rejected by his own biological father and with all these family members around them that couldn't even love them despite them being family, here Justin was, loving his son in an honest and true fashion that would always amaze Brian.

When they had been separated that night on the cliff, Brian had known that Gus would be safe with Justin, that Justin would always take care of him and love him, no matter what. He hadn't even doubted it for a second, knowing that Justin had always loved Gus like his own and would always do so. And seeing them now, seeing them in that embrace, he knew that he had been right. Justin loved Gus like a father loved his son and always would, no matter what.

Watching the scene for some more minutes, just taking it in, Brian felt a chill on his naked skin and remembered the other reason why he had come into the room. He needed to get clothes.

He quietly made his way over to his wardrobe and pulled out a shirt and a pair of boxer briefs.

Just as he had dropped the towel and was about to pull on the boxer briefs, he heard a familiar gasp. Not able to help himself, he turned around and saw that Justin was now awake. Their eyes locked and a familiar electricity went through the room. Before long though, Justin lowered his eyes and the moment was over.

Brian quickly finished pulling on his boxer briefs, knowing that this was neither the time nor the place for any snarky comments.

“Shit,” Justin mumbled, as he carefully disentangled himself from Gus' arms. “I must have fallen asleep.”

Okay, Brian thought, if Justin wanted to pretend that that moment hadn't happened, he could do the same. “Is he okay?”

“I think so,” Justin said quietly, gently wiping a strand of Gus' auburn hair from his face. “He was worried about you and exhausted, which is why he fell asleep in the end without checking on you as he had insisted.”

“I'll make it up to him tomorrow,” Brian said quietly, before he leaned over the bed from the other side and ran a hand over Gus' cheek in a tender fashion. “Thanks for taking care of him.”

Justin nodded, before he got up from the bed and made his way back into the living area of the apartment. He didn't want to wake up Gus, now that he had finally fallen asleep.

Brian grabbed the t-shirt he had pulled from the wardrobe before and followed Justin. He quietly closed the door, before he turned around and wanted to put on the shirt. Before he could do so, he was stopped by Justin's smaller form, not having expected the man to be that close.

He stopped in his tracks, not quite sure what was happening as Justin's fingers started tracing some scars on his chest and abdomen. He looked sad and thoughtful as he traced the scars.

After about a minute of silence between them, the moment was over and Justin stepped back, taking a deep breath.

Brian finally pulled on the shirt, not quite sure what to make of what had just happened. “Thank you... for coming and... everything,” he finally said, not quite sure what else to say. The silence between them felt heavy and he wasn't quite sure why.

“Are you okay?” Was all Justin asked, his voice quiet and serious.

Knowing that it was a very loaded question that could invite a million different answers and not quite sure if he was ready for any of those answers, Brian just shrugged.

Justin nodded in reply. “That was one hell of a nightmare. I am not sure even my nightmares after prom came close to that.”

The moment he said that, he knew he had said the wrong thing. He could see Brian's walls coming up immediately and saw his eyes cloud over. He could see how Brian was pulling back and he cursed himself for mentioning his prom. Brian didn't even have to say anything for Justin to realise that what he had said had been the wrong thing.

He sighed as he looked at Brian. “I can stay if you...,” but he never got any further, because Brian had already interrupted him.

“We'll be fine.”

“Are you sure?” Justin tried once more, but once again got shot down by Brian immediately.

“Yeah, it's all under control now.”

Justin doubted that very much, but knew better than to voice that thought aloud. Now was not the time. Brian had brought his walls back up and with them firmly in place, there was no sense talking to him now. He knew that they would have to talk about this and they would if he had his way, but not now. They were all exhausted and maybe it was for the best not to talk about what had happened now. In their exhausted states they might say things they would regret later.

“I better head off then,” Justin said quietly, slowly making his way over to the door of the apartment. “Call me if you need me,” he added, turning to look at Brian, meeting his gaze across the room.

Brian nodded, but other than another quiet 'thanks', he didn't offer anything before Justin turned around again and left his apartment.

Chapter 13

The next day Brian spent most of the day making it up to Gus. He apologised again and again to his son for the dramatic night that they had been through and took him to the park later, so they could play some soccer after Gus had mentioned for what felt like the tenth time that it was fine and he was okay.

Brian had tried to explain to Gus that it had just been a nightmare, nothing to worry about and while Gus had been worried at first, he seemed to believe his father the more he behaved normally and like his usual self.

By the time it was late afternoon and almost time for Gus to return home, the boy had mostly forgotten about what had happened the previous night and just remembered all the fun he and his father had had that weekend.

“Please, Dad!” He pleaded and Brian looked at him, his reluctance showing on his face.

“Gus, I don't think it would be a good idea. You know that Justin will be coming by later to pick you up.”

“But I want you to see my room and I want to show you my essay. Please? If we go and watch that movie, we'll be close anyway. The movie theatre is just a couple of blocks away from home. It wouldn't make much sense to get back here only for Justin to pick me up. We can go straight home from the movie theatre,” the boy reasoned, feeling pretty good about his argument.

He really wanted his father to come home with him and see his room and he really wanted to show him his essay. He knew that for some reason things were awkward between his father and Justin and he had a feeling that his father's reluctance to take him home had to do with that, but as far as he was concerned, his father would have to see Justin anyway when he picked him up here later that day, so what difference would it make if he saw him in his apartment or at their house?

Little did Gus know that Brian's reluctance to take him home didn't have much to do with Justin, but more with Justin's partner who he had no intention of running into. He could do really well without seeing the happy couple together and having it rubbed into his face that Justin was now living with another man and his son.

“Gus, Justin might have already made plans. We agreed that he would pick you up here and we shouldn't change that now,” Brian reasoned instead.

“No, he didn't,” Gus said proudly, holding up his phone. “I asked him and he said it would be fine for me to come home from the movie theatre.”

“You asked him?” Brian's eyes widened and he wasn't quite sure what to make of his son's statement.

“We were texting anyway,” Gus shrugged, not quite understanding why his father seemed so surprised. “He was checking in on me this morning.”

“Was he?”

“Yeah, just to make sure that I was alright,” Gus answered truthfully, not seeing any harm in it.

Brian just ran his hand through his hair, not quite sure what to make of that statement. On some level he knew that asking Gus if he was alright was a totally normal reaction from Justin, but on a completely different level, it made him feel like Justin was also checking up on him as if he couldn't even take care of his own son. Which, looking at the previous night, he probably thought anyway. So he probably felt like he had to check up on Gus even more because to him Brian had more than proven that he couldn't be trusted around Gus.

Not wanting to give Justin the satisfaction of proving him right any more than he probably already felt like he had been proven right, Brian sighed, but then gave in. “Alright. I'll take you home from the movie theatre.”

“Cool, you will like my room and my essay. I think I did really well. I wish I wouldn't have forgotten it at home, so I could have already shown it to you yesterday,” Gus went on excitedly.

“Well, I'll see it later and I am sure you're right. I have no doubt that you did really well,” Brian agreed, knowing that Gus was probably right. He was a very good student and if he believed that his essay was really good, it probably was. Resigning to his fate, Brian accepted that before the day was over he would end up at Justin's house and tried to make the best of it.

They spent a fun late afternoon at the mall, doing some shopping for Gus, though Brian shuddered at the idea of entering shops in a mall, but Gus convinced him that those were the shops Justin and Ethan always took him to as well and that they would find cool clothes for him there.

Apparently, his son had taken after Justin as far as clothes were concerned and had no idea about decent clothing, but Brian knew that was a fight for later. He would try to teach Gus about good clothing and brands as soon as he had his life under control again and was back on his feet. And then sonny boy would learn all about Armani, Prada and Gucci. For now it would be the mall and Brian would just have to make it through it in as good grace as he could muster.

They ended the day with another movie at the theatre, before they had a quick bite to eat at the food court (something else that would be giving Brian nightmares later on) and then took a taxi to Justin's house.

The closer they got, the more Brian felt like he didn't want to be there, but he would be damned if he would let Gus or even worse Justin know. He tried to act as nonchalantly as he could and kept up his normal chatter with Gus as the taxi pulled up in front of Gus' home.

Gus excitedly grabbed his backpack and his shopping bags, then made his way over to the front door, not noticing that Brian was lagging behind.

When he noticed, he turned around, calling for his father. “Dad, you coming?”

“Yeah, on my way,” Brian muttered as he slowly walked up to the front door which was opened a second later by a young man, roughly about Justin's age with dark hair, some weird beard which reminded Brian of a rat that had died on his chin and a smile on his face.

“I thought I had heard your voice. How are you, Gussy? You had a fun weekend with your Dad?” The man asked Gus and Brian felt something boil inside of him when Gus smiled at the man and looked at him from warm, loving eyes.

“It was great, Ethan! We went to the islands and played lots of soccer. It was so great,” Gus enthused, before walking past Ethan, still going on about all they had done that weekend, finishing with their trip to the mall.

“I can see that,” Ethan chuckled, as he noticed all the bags the boy was carrying. “How about you take them up to your room? I am sure Justin would love to see your new clothes later on.”

Gus nodded happily, then disappeared inside the house, leaving the two men alone.

Brian slowly, very slowly made his way over to the front door, meeting the young man's gaze head on. He portrayed an air of confidence and cool, his walls up in place, a perfect mask of slight disinterest on his face. Brian was actually quite proud of himself for pulling himself off that well right then.

“You must be Brian. I have heard so much about you,” the man offered, holding out his hand in greeting.

Brian shook it fleetingly, offering the minimum of politeness that was expected of him. “Ian? That's your name, right?”

“Ethan,” Ethan offered, still smiling politely as he stepped aside and invited Brian inside. “Justin is just cleaning up after dinner. Why don't you come inside? I am sure we'll find something for you and Gus to warm up.”

“Oh, don't worry. We already ate, we're good,” Brian gave back, but followed the man inside anyway.

“Honey, Gus and Brian are here,” Ethan called out to the kitchen, before he offered Brian a seat on the sofa.

Brian accepted and sat down, followed by Justin entering the living-room a second later. “I didn't expect you for another half an hour,” he offered in confusion as he looked at Brian.

“The movie didn't run as long as Gus thought it would,” Brian shrugged. “We can take a walk around the block if we're messing up any plans here,” he then winked, leaving no doubt as to what plans he was referring to.

Justin threw him a glare. “Don't be ridiculous.” He then turned to Ethan. “Where is Gus?”

“He's upstairs, taking his bags to his room.”

“Bags?” Justin frowned, knowing that he had taken Gus to Brian's place with just one backpack for the weekend.

“Sonny boy and I went shopping earlier. I can't say I support his taste in fashion, but well... for now it will have to do,” Brian drawled as he leant back on the sofa, smirking at Justin.

“You took him shopping? Why? He has everything he needs,” Justin pointed out, not quite sure why it annoyed him that Brian would go shopping for clothes with Gus.

Brian shrugged. “You know that there is no enough when it comes to clothing.”

“Actually there is,” Justin pointed out, his voice tense. “That really wasn't necessary, Brian.”

Catching on to the tension in Justin's voice, Ethan decided to jump in at that point. “I am sure he only meant well, right Brian?”

Brian smiled sweetly and nodded. “Of course.”

Justin, who had known him long enough to see behind the mask and behind the sweet smile was fuming, but decided that now was not the time to take it up with Brian. As if on cue, they heard Gus bouncing down the stairs and running into the living-room only a few seconds later.

“Hey Justin,” he greeted the man, giving him a quick hug.

“Hi Gus, how are you? You had fun?”

The boy nodded, then eagerly told both Justin and Ethan about all the things he and Brian had done that day and the previous day and how much fun they had had.

“That's good,” Justin nodded, ruffling Gus' hair, happy that the boy seemed to have all but forgotten about the previous night and only seemed to remember the good moments from this weekend.

“Can I show my room to Dad? I also want him to read the essay before I hand it in tomorrow.”

“Sure,” Ethan nodded, before Justin could even say anything and a second later Gus had made his way over to the sofa and pulled Brian up, urging him to follow him.

As Brian and Gus made their way upstairs to Gus' room, Justin stared after them for several seconds, before he turned on his partner. “What the hell?”

“He just wants to show his father his room. There is no harm in that,” Ethan pointed out, surprised when Justin hissed at him.

“Where does he get off going shopping with Gus? Does Gus look like he needs new clothes? Does he think we can't provide for Gus when he needs new clothes?”

“Hey, calm down,” Ethan said, walking over to Justin's side, rubbing his shoulders. “I am sure he meant no harm by it and that it was just a nice way for them to spend the day together.”

“You don't know Brian the way I do. You heard his comment about Gus' taste in fashion. Before we know it, he'll take Gus to designer boutiques and will turn him into a spoiled little brat.”

“Jus, I think you're overreacting. It was just a couple of clothes from the mall,” Ethan tried again only to be stopped by Justin.

“With Brian it's never “just” something,” Justin pointed out, making air quotes with his hands as he spoke. “It's always part of a plan.”

“You know, the way you talk about him at times... I can't help but wonder why you would have even been with him if he was that bad. And you clearly never painted him in that bad an image when you spoke about him before.”

“Because he wasn't like that with me and Gus,” Justin sighed, wondering why Ethan wasn't seeing his point.

“Then why would that change now?”

“Because I hurt him and now he wants to get back at me in return,” Justin stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Why couldn't Ethan understand that?

“Okay, you're losing me here. All I can see is a father that is trying to bond with his son who he hasn't seen in years. I can't find any fault in that.”

“Don't you see? He's trying to make himself into the good parent, making us the bad parents. He takes Gus to the mall, to the movies, plays soccer with him and whatever else fun he can come up with, while we're the bad parents that have to enforce rules, school, homework, etc.”

“Jus, you really need to let go of this thinking. I think you're doing him wrong. God knows what he has been through and now he wants to build a relationship with his son. What's wrong with that?”

“Maybe you'll see what's wrong with that when it has cost us our relationship with Gus,” Justin spat, before he turned around and disappeared into the kitchen again.

Ethan sighed as he watched after his partner, not quite sure what was making him react this way. This was so unlike Justin. He hoped that he would get whatever it was out of his system soon, so that they could all move on and find a way to co-parent Gus in the best way possible.

Deciding that for now there wasn't much point in talking to his partner, knowing that it would only end in an argument, he decided to let it rest and to stay out of his hair for the time being.

***

An hour later, Brian and Gus were still locked away in Gus' room and Ethan knocked on the door. When he opened it, he found Brian and Gus on Gus' bed, looking at pictures in a photo album that Gus was showing his father.

“Hey Gus, it's getting late and you have school tomorrow,” he said, looking at Brian apologetically.

As Gus was getting ready to protest, Brian nodded and slowly put a hand on his son's arm. “He's right, sonny boy. It's getting late and I should be heading off.”

“But Dad,” Gus whined, looking from his father to Ethan and back, pleading for some extra time.

“Nah, you should get ready for bed now, sonny boy. I'll see you tomorrow after school, okay?”

Realising that his father wouldn't be on his side and that he wouldn't be getting his way, Gus finally nodded resignedly and gave in. “Okay.”

Gus slowly got up and headed out of his room towards the bathroom across the hall. Brian got up after him and looked at Ethan squarely. “Sorry, we kind of lost track of time.”

“No worries. It's all good,” Ethan said, before turning around and leaving the room.

Once Gus was done getting ready for bed, Brian said goodnight to him, promising to see him the next day.

He then made his way downstairs, ready to leave and return to his apartment. Just as he was about to say a short goodbye to Ethan, who was sitting in the living-room watching something or other on TV, Justin popped up at the door to the room. “Brian, I need to talk to you.”

His voice was tense and both Brian and Ethan easily heard how strained Justin sounded.

“Jus,” Ethan started, but stopped when he saw the glare Justin directed at him.

Brian just raised an eyebrow, having noticed the tension between the two men and having taken note of it, before he shrugged. “Sure, Sunshine. What do you want to talk about?”

Justin now glared at him as well, before he led the way to the front door and led the way outside. Once outside, the door securely closed behind them, Justin turned onto Brian in a second. “What do you think you're doing?”

“Excuse me?” Brian just raised an eyebrow again.

“Do you think you can buy your way out of the mess you created? Some nice clothes and all will be forgotten?” Justin hissed.

“I have no idea what you're talking about,” Brian gave back coolly, squarely looking Justin in the eye.

“Oh really? You think taking Gus shopping for new clothes will make him forget about what happened last night?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Brian gave back.

“Okay, then let me explain it to you: This is typical Brian Kinney 101. Just throw money at a problem until it goes away. Well, it's not going to work this time.”

“I really don't know what you are talking about. I just took Gus shopping. I am his father, why wouldn't I?”

“Because there is no reason to. He has everything he needs here. And if he needs something else, we will buy it for him. The only reason you took him shopping is because you felt bad for what happened last night and this is how you wanted to make it up to him.”

“Can you even hear yourself?” Brian asked, looking at Justin with a raised eyebrow.

“Don't play innocent with me. If there is one thing you'll never be, it's innocent. I know you too well to know your coping mechanisms.”

“I really have no idea what you're,” Brian started, but Justin interrupted him right away.

“You should have told me. You should have given me a fair warning.”

“Should have told you what?”

“About your nightmares,” Justin spat. “If I had known, I would have never let Gus spend the night. Do you know how fucking scared he was last night?”

“That's none of your concern,” Brian just spat back right away.

“Of course it is. Gus was there and saw it. He was scared, he was crying. And you were too damn proud to give us a fair warning so we would know what we were walking into.”

“It was a fucking nightmare. It won't happen again. Don't get your panties in a twist, Sunshine,” Brian replied, using one of Debbie's favourite phrases.

“The one thing you and I both know about nightmares is that they will come back. It will happen again until you deal with whatever caused that nightmare.”

“It was one fucking nightmare. Don't overreact.”

“One nightmare? I know you had them in the hospital as well... God knows how many you had in the meantime... You should have fucking told me before I allowed Gus to spend the night.”

Now it was Brian's turn to get angry as well. “And then what? You would have forbidden him from spending the night?”

“Yes,” Justin gave back without thinking.

“He's my son, Justin. My son. Not your son!”

“And he is living in my house and my partner and I are raising him,” Justin shot back, his voice and anger rising at equal speed. “You need to get your act together. Unless that has happened, I won't allow him to spend the night again.”

“You can't do that. He's my son.”

“And he's living here and I have custody. As far as the law is concerned, you're still dead. I am the one making decisions for him and I will always look out for his best interest. You didn't see how fucking scared he was last night. I will not allow you to put him through that again.”

“You can't keep him away from me. I am his father,” Brian's anger was rising as well and he was now glaring at Justin with an intensity that would have made weaker men tremble.

“I am not keeping him away from you. You can still see him after school. I will just not allow any further overnight visits. You are clearly in no state to take care of him. Why can't you see that?”

“I am fine! It was just one damn nightmare,” Brian roared.

“Yeah, you tell that to yourself, Brian. You and I both know better though, don't we? It was never just one nightmare for me, was it?”

“I am not you. And I swear to God, if you're trying to keep my son away from me, you will hear from my lawyer.”

“Your lawyer? You don't even have one,” Justin pointed out.

“I can always hire one,” Brian gave back.

“And then? You don't have a job, you don't have a proper place where Gus can even spend the night, not even talking about your mental state. What good would a lawyer do? No judge would agree with you.”

“You don't know shit. I am his father and that will always mean something.”

“Well, as his father you should be the first one to have his best interest at heart. Is it in Gus' best interest to have other nights like last night? Do you really want to put him through more of that?”

“I always have his best interest at heart. And Gus was fine today, wasn't he? You are making a big deal out of nothing.”

“You tell yourself that, Brian. I hope you enjoy lying to yourself.”

“God, what is it with you?” Brian threw up his arms in frustration. “It was ONE fucking nightmare. One!”

“Until you can accept the truth and do something about it, Gus will not spend any more nights with you. That's my last word,” Justin said calmly, meeting Brian's angry gaze head on.

“Then you will hear from my lawyer,” Brian spat, before he walked past Justin and angrily stomped off.

Justin watched after him, feeling his own anger course through his veins as his gaze followed the angry man who made his way down the street. He sighed when he felt a presence by his side. “Not now, Ethan.”

“Do you think that was smart?” The other man just asked quietly, also watching after the angry man that walked away from their house and down the street.

“I said not now,” Justin just repeated, before he turned around and made his way back inside their house.

Chapter 14

“Dad? Why were you and Justin yelling at each other last night?” Gus asked his father as he looked up from his homework which he was working on at his father's kitchen table.

“You heard that?” Brian sighed as he looked at Gus with a raised eyebrow.

“It was hard not to,” the young boy pointed out. “You were both yelling.”

“We just had a disagreement, Gus. Nothing to worry about.”

“What were you disagreeing about?” Gus went on, not ready to let it go quite yet.

“That's none of your concern, sonny boy. Just know that everything is fine.”

“You were arguing about me, weren't you?” Gus now looked his father squarely in the eyes, daring him to contradict his statement.

Brian sighed once more, cursing both himself and even more so Justin for having had that yelling match outside Justin's house the previous evening. They should have made sure that Gus would not hear them. Well, too late for that, Brian thought to himself. Knowing that his son was old enough to understand some of these things and was probably smart enough to figure them out by himself, even if Brian would lie to him, Brian decided to be as honest with him as he could. That was the least that Gus deserved.

“Sonny boy, it's a complicated situation right now. Justin loves you very much and he has been taking good care of you for such a long time, so now... with me being here as well, it's not easy to find the best way to go forward. Things will have to change, but change can be scary and sometimes we just want things to stay the way they are, you know?”

“Change? What will have to change?” Gus raised an eyebrow and Brian could definitely see how much his son looked like him when he did that.

“Well, so far Justin and Ethan have been raising you and you have been living with them, but now that I am here as well... I would like to spend more time with you as well, you know?”

Gus nodded, able to understand that. He wanted to spend more time with his Dad as well. He had missed him for so long and was so happy that he was finally back. “And I want to spend more time with you as well, Dad.”

“And that makes me very happy, sonny boy. We will just have to find ways though to make that possible, ways that will also be okay with Justin and right now... well, we don't agree.”

Gus scrunched up his nose and was silent for a long time. When he spoke again, his voice sounded sad. “Justin doesn't want me to spend time with you?”

“That's not what I said, sonny boy,” Brian immediately replied, wanting to be very careful with what he said about Justin. As much as Gus disagreeing with Justin might help his argument, he knew that he was treading on thin ice. Gus loved Justin and despite all, Brian knew that Justin also loved Gus. It was the only reason Justin was reacting the way he was. In no way did Brian want to destroy their relationship. People might call him heartless and cruel, but this was his son and he didn't want to take away one of the most important people of his life. Not after everyone the boy had already lost in his young life.

“We just don't quite agree on how much time and when and how and we'll have to figure it out.”

It was obvious that Gus wasn't quite happy with Brian's answer, but he nodded anyway. “And if you can't figure it out? You both sounded pretty angry last night...”

“Well, that's what they have lawyers and judges for. If we can't come to a decision, they will make a decision for us.”

Gus' eyes widened and he looked shocked by Brian's words. “Lawyers? Judges?”

“Hey, don't worry, sonny boy. That's only if we can't figure it out ourselves. I am sure we will though. It will just take some time.”

Gus nodded once more, then took a deep breath. “I don't want you two to fight. I love both of you and I don't like it when you fight,” he said quietly, looking at his father from sad eyes.

“I don't like it either. Trust me, I don't like it either...”

***

“What the fuck is wrong with you? Where do you get off telling Gus about lawyers and judges getting involved?” Justin asked, looking beyond furious.

Justin had shown up at his apartment ten minutes ago and had pretty much stormed into the place and had been talking non-stop ever since.

Brian hadn't been able to get a word in edgeways and was just waiting for Justin to calm down and take a breath, so that he could have his say.

After another five minutes of ranting by the younger man, Brian finally got his wish. Justin had apparently finished and was now done and had switched from talking to him to glaring at him.

“That's not what I told him,” Brian started defending himself, only making Justin start again.

“Then why the fuck was he telling me about judges and lawyers getting involved? Where did he get that from?”

“Yes, I told him about judges and lawyers, but I also made it clear to him that it was not what was gonna happen. He heard us fighting last night outside the house and he knew we were fighting about him. What was I supposed to do? Lie to him and pretend that he was wrong? That he hadn't heard what he had heard? Well, sonny boy is not dumb and he knew we were fighting about him, so I tried to explain it to him as best as I could...”

“As best as you could?” Justin snorted derisively.

“I explained to him that we would have to find a solution and he asked what would happen if we couldn't. So I told him that in that case, we would need the help of lawyers and judges, but that it would only come to that if we couldn't figure it out ourselves.”

“He is 12 years old. What is wrong with you? How can you tell him shit like that?” Justin asked, looking at Brian from disbelieving eyes.

“Yes, he's 12 years old. And he's smart and more grown up than many other kids his age. I will not lie to him just because you don't want him to know that you don't want him to see me.”

“I didn't say that. He was here today, wasn't he? Though looking at the mess you made, maybe I should change my mind on that.”

“Don't you dare! He's my son and you can't keep him away from me.”

“If I think that you're doing more harm than good, yes I can and I will...”

They glared at each other, both beyond angry with the other person.

Brian's voice was deathly calm when he spoke next. “If you keep him away from me, I will get a lawyer.”

“Then stop pulling Gus into this mess.”

“Me? You were the one looking for a fight outside the very house that he was supposed to sleep in. Don't blame me for you not being able to control your anger last night,” Brian pointed out.

“Then stop being unreasonable and do what is best for him,” Justin shot right back. “Get help, Brian. Figure out yourself and your life and once that has happened, we can talk again.”

“I don't need help,” Brian glared at the younger man, willing him to take back that statement. “I am doing just peachy.”

“Yeah, as long as you tell yourself that, you can kiss your chance of having Gus over for sleepovers goodbye,” Justin directed at Brian. It was his parting shot and with that he turned around and headed for the door.

“Then you'll hear from my lawyer.”

“Good luck finding a lawyer that will agree with you,” Justin muttered, before he left the apartment without another glance back at the man inside. God, why was Brian making him so angry? Why was Brian infuriating him so much? He wasn't normally like this and he didn't get loud or into arguments like this, but for some reason Brian managed to bring out the worst in him again and again.

Brian looked after Justin as he left, running his hands over his face in frustration, feeling like punching something or someone, but knowing better than that. Instead he flopped down on his sofa and looked at the dark television screen. How had everything become so fucked up between them? This was definitely not what he had expected when he had fought his way to Toronto and had finally made it across the border. This was not at all what he had had in mind then.

***

“Honey, how are you?” Emmett greeted him jovially, as he pushed past him into his apartment. “Hmmm, well, not quite your usual style, but it's nice. Quite rustic, but well,” he commented, as he took in the furniture and design of Brian's apartment.

“It's only temporarily,” Brian muttered, looking after the tall queen, not having expected to see him of all people. Not that he had really expected to see anyone. It wasn't like he had a lot of friends or people he knew in Toronto. Justin, Gus, Emmett and Daphne were pretty much the only people he knew and talking with Justin wasn't an option at the moment, Gus was in school and wouldn't be by until later that day and Daphne was Justin's friend, so the same that applied to Justin also applied to her, he guessed. And Emmett, well, he was sure he was busy with his own business and didn't have time to visit his friends. Well, apparently he had, so much for that quiet morning he had been looking forward to.

“Oh, I am sure it is,” Emmett agreed, before turning around and giving Brian a quick once-over. “You look way better than the last time I saw you. You've gained some weight, haven't you? Good for you!”

Brian wasn't quite sure if he could stomach Emmett's seemingly neverending good mood and decided to just nod for now. It was true, he had gained some weight and looked less gaunt than he had the last time they had seen each other.

“How are you doing?”

Brian shrugged, not quite sure how to answer that question. “Okay.”

“Still as talkative as ever,” Emmett commented, before sitting down on the sofa. “You know that won't do with me. Come, sit down and tell me how you're really doing.”

Brian looked at Emmett for the longest time, before walking over and sitting down on one of the chairs across the living-room table. “Okay,” he just repeated, leaving it at that.

Emmett sighed dramatically. “Okay, how about telling me about your plans instead?”

“Plans?” Brian frowned, not quite sure that he knew what Emmett was talking about. “What plans?”

“You must have plans for the future, right? Now that you're here in Canada. Things you want to do, right? I mean like... I don't know, professionally, getting back into work or something?”

“I haven't really thought about it yet,” Brian had to admit, knowing that he probably should. Yes, he had access to the account he had set up years ago and money was not an issue, at least not for the moment, but Emmett was right, he probably should be thinking about work or something. He had never been the kind of person to just sit around and do nothing. He had always been a workaholic and if he was honest with himself, he quite missed work. It at least gave him something to do, something that would keep him busy and would keep his mind from going crazy overthinking things. “I probably should,” he went on after a long silence had settled between them.

“Well, I mean, there is no rush,” Emmett immediately threw in, thinking that he might have said too much. “The Canadians are really nice when it comes to supporting us and giving us time to find our way.”

“I have money,” Brian immediately felt the need to interject, not wanting to seem like he was living off government support when he could be supporting himself.

“Oh, that's not what I meant,” Emmett said, once again feeling like he had said the wrong thing. “It's just... I've never seen you not work. I mean... even in Gilead when... you couldn't work anymore... you and Justin would still be busy coming up with those posters and stuff for the resistance. I just don't think I've ever seen you take a vacation or any time off. You've always been working for as long as I've known you.”

“Times change,” Brian muttered, thinking how back in Gilead he and Justin had been together as well as working together and all of that seemed like a completely different life now, especially looking at how they were around each other right now.

“And God knows you have every right to take a break for as long as you want to after... everything,” Emmett ended quietly. He knew that Brian didn't like talking about Gilead and what had happened to him after Justin and Gus had made it out, but he had seen where not talking had gotten Ted and while he knew that Brian wasn't Ted, he knew that Brian hadn't been opposed to the use of drugs and alcohol as pain management before and he would be damned if he lost another friend.

When Brian didn't say anything to that, Emmett ventured ahead carefully. “Have you talked to anyone about...that?”

“About what?” Brian asked, his voice sounding slightly agitated which Emmett didn't miss.

“About Gilead and... what happened there with Michael... Justin's father... after they caught you.”

“What good will talking about it do?”

“Don't you think it might help you? I mean we all have been traumatised and... I can only imagine how much worse it must have been for you.”

“I am fine.”

“Oh honey... Ted said the same... he said the same to me even two weeks before he overdosed,” Emmett's voice had turned sad as he remembered his friend and their last meeting together.

“I am not Ted,” Brian spat, then forced himself to calm down, knowing that Emmett and Ted had been very close and that Emmett had loved Ted.

“No, honey, but you have meddled with drugs and alcohol before. Don't... just don't do it again.”

“I told you that I am fine,” Brian just muttered again, getting annoyed by Emmett's statements.

“I know your opinion on therapy and talking about feelings, hell, even having feelings... I just don't want to see you go down that same path. I don't want to lose another friend.”

“I said, I am fine,” Brian pressed out once more, really getting annoyed now.

“No one would be fine after going through what you went through,” Emmett said seriously. “Don't pretend that you're stronger than any of us. You are not. You are only human, Brian, like the rest of us even though you might not like the truth of it.”

“Is that it? Was this your reason for visiting me today? If it was, let's not do this again, okay? I don't need you to tell me how to take care of myself. I've been doing it for a long time.”

“Oh, I know. I've heard all the stories. It's not like Debbie and Michael didn't remind us all often enough, but... Brian... even the strongest person reaches their breaking point at one point.”

“And you think this is mine?” Brian looked offended by the mere thought.

“I am just saying that... I understand that the last years have been hard and... I am sure that the thought of getting here, making it here and seeing Justin and Gus again kept you going and now... you're here and... things...,” Emmett stopped, not quite sure how to proceed.

“Aren't what I expected?” Brian finished for him with a raised eyebrow.

“Well yeah.”

“Well, that's life, isn't it? Life never turns out the way you expect it to, so all you can do is go with the flow and take whatever life throws at you.”

“I am just saying that no one would blame you for thinking that it all got too much,” Emmett said quietly.

“It didn't. I am fine, I told you,” Brian just repeated which made Emmett sigh.

“Okay, I got it. You're fine,” the tall queen finally raised his hands in defeat, knowing that there was no point in arguing about this with Brian. He had learnt the hard way with Ted that you could only offer help and support, but if the person wasn't ready to admit that they needed that support, there was nothing you could do, no matter how much you might want to help them.

An uncomfortable silence settled between them which was broken by Emmett a couple of minutes later, trying to change the subject. “How is Gus?”

“Good, coming over later after school,” Brian replied, his voice still sounding slightly colder than it needed to be.

“That's good. I am sure he loves spending time with you.”

“I haven't heard him complain so far,” Brian quipped with a shrug.

“And things with Justin?” Emmett asked with a raised eyebrow.

“What is this, twenty questions?” Brian snapped, getting tired of Emmett's questions, especially the personal ones. “You in need of new gossip to share with your new friends?”

Emmett once again raised his hands in surrender. “I get it, wrong topic to ask questions about.”

After that Emmett stayed for another ten minutes, trying to make small talk with Brian, but quickly giving up. Brian had never been one for much small talk and that hadn't changed.

Once Emmett had left, Brian returned to the sofa, one thing from their earlier conversation still running through his mind. One thing Emmett had mentioned had struck a chord with him and he couldn't stop thinking about it: What were his plans? What did he want in his new life?

Yes, Emmett had been right when he had said that the thought of making it here, being reunited with Gus and Justin had been what had kept him going these last few years, but beyond that, beyond being reunited with the people that meant the most to him, he had never really thought about his future. And now, now that whatever he had thought about wasn't going to happen, they wouldn't be reunited like he had hoped and prayed for for so many years, now he was without a plan.

He stood by what he had replied to Emmett: Life never turned out the way you wanted it to and you just had to go with the flow. Maybe it was time he finally started doing that as well. Maybe it was time he finally started to make sense of his life. No, it wouldn't be the life he had imagined and dreamed of in recent years, but it still was a life and God knew it was still a damn lot better than life in Gilead ever had been. At least he was alive, relatively healthy and had Gus in his life. He could build from that and start rebuilding his life from there. It was a beginning and a pretty good one as far as he was concerned.

Chapter 15

Over the next 12 months many things changed in Brian's life while others had stayed exactly the same.

After his talk with Emmett, Brian had known that it was time to make some decisions regarding his future. No matter what he had wished for when he had come to Canada, life had had different ideas and had turned out differently, so now he had to make the best of it.

He knew that at the end of the day, he couldn't really complain. Maybe things with Justin hadn't worked out the way he had hoped for when he had escaped from Gilead, but just the fact that he had made it out of there and had made it to Canada, that he had been able to see Gus again and spend time with him had made him realise how lucky he had been. And definitely a lot luckier than many of their friends and family and other members of the LGBTQ community had been.

No, it wasn't the life he had hoped and dreamed for during all those cold and lonely nights in the concentration camp where they had kept him, when he hadn't even known if Justin and Gus were still alive, but it was what it was and he would be damned if he didn't make the best of it. It wasn't the first time his life threw him a curveball and damn if he wouldn't make the best of the situation.

It had taken him about a week to come up with a plan for his life and to make some important decisions. Emmett had been right, he needed to figure out what to do with his life, now that he had one again. After thinking about it long and hard, he had known that he would always be an ad man. He had been an ad man for all of his professional life and he was damn good at it and he had liked it and it was what he wanted to do again.

So he had sat down and had looked up advertising firms in Toronto. A couple of them rang a bell and he was familiar with some of their work from his pre-Gilead days as an ad man in Pittsburgh at Vanguard.

He sent out resumes and quickly got invited to several interviews. Apparently his name still held some fame in the advertising world and before long he had the choice between three jobs that had been offered to him. None of them were as partner, like he had been at Vanguard and none were in the salary range he had received then, but he knew that he couldn't really complain. After all these years of not working at all and not having his name and his campaigns out there, he was grateful for every offer as an ad exec that he had received.

In the end he decided to go with a company called ECHO Advertising. They seemed to have the best creative team around and seemed to be edgy and non-apologetic like himself and he really liked the package they had offered him.

He stayed with them for six months, getting his name out there again, before he realised that working as an ad exec wasn't really what he was looking for. He had been used to working on his own, had been used to being a partner and to not having to answer to anyone and while he did the best he could as an ad exec, he just realised that it wasn't him any longer. Once he started feeling unhappy about his situation and when he realised that the promises of becoming partner one day seemed to have been just that: empty promises, he decided that it was time to move on and take the leap he had wanted to take for years.

Of course his boss hadn't been happy and had threatened him with all kinds of lawsuits and had even threatened to badmouth him in the industry, but at the end of the day, Brian followed his contract, didn't take any of their accounts with him and left according to the stipulations of his contract.

He took the daunting step of opening his own advertising agency and within a couple of weeks of leaving ECHO, Kinnetik had been born in the living room of his new apartment.

A stylish, modern apartment with huge windows, modern Italian furniture and state of the art appliances. And most importantly with a bedroom for Gus.

That had been the good thing about his six months at ECHO: They had paid him a decent salary and he had been able to make the downpayment on the new apartment. Between the salary he had pocketed for six months and the money still in the account that he had set up years ago, he had been able to set up Kinnetik without much trouble.

It had been daunting in the beginning to go out and try to start his own agency and even though he would never admit it, he had been scared as hell of failing, but in the end he knew that he needed to take that plunge or he would never be happy and would always regret it.

He had teamed up with a young artist called Mitch who had just left the Toronto Art Institute and was known for edgy, futuristic designs. He had met him at an art show the Institute had put on, an art show that Brian had attended for the sole reason to find some young, talented and mostly cheap artist to work with him and he and Mitch had just clicked as far as their creative vision was concerned. Other than that, no. Mitch was as straight as they came, but didn't mind working with a gay man. He had a gay brother himself and was more than happy to work with Brian and to start this new business venture.

They worked well together and sometimes Brian was reminded of the times when he had worked with another young artist, still in art school, so many years ago...who had been just as edgy and fearless where his art was concerned.

At times it made him sad that his relationship with Justin was strained on the best of days, because he had secretly dreamed of opening an ad agency one day and having Justin be his art director, they had worked so well together in the years before, but it was just one of those other things that hadn't been meant to be.

It had been hard in the beginning to get the company going, after all there were already more advertising agencies in Toronto than you could count, but with the help of his friends, mostly Daphne and Emmett, Brian had managed to get Kinnetik's name out there.

Daphne had pushed several Red Cross events and campaigns his way for which he would be eternally grateful to her as they had helped get his name out there and had opened his advertising to a wider audience. Emmett had also allowed Brian to take over the advertising for his business and had happily refered to Kinnetik every time one of his clients pointed out how well done the ads for his company were.

That had generated a lot of business for Brian, more than he had anticipated and it had really helped get Kinnetik off the ground.

Within three months Brian had been forced to hire another ad exec, another artist and two secretaries and Kinnetik had moved into an old warehouse building downtown which had been refurbished into state of the art office property.

Kinnetik was doing well and growing quickly and by now, six months after Brian had started the agency he was already working with a team of 15 employees.

His biggest client to date had come from an unexpected source and Brian would never forget the help he had received from the most unlikely ally.

Brian sighed when he saw who was coming into the building. For a second he was thinking about hiding as he had no interest at all to talk to the person walking in the direction of the welcome desk, but he knew that would be childish. Brian Kinney didn't hide, not from anyone and definitely not from Justin's little boyfriend.

Deciding to be proactive, he made his way over to where Ethan was looking around the big lobby.

“Ian, what can I do for you?” He greeted the man, tongue-in-cheek.

“Ethan,” the younger man replied politely, knowing fully well that Brian knew his name.

“Right,” Brian nodded as if he had forgotten the name, but never apologised for using a wrong name to begin with. “Is Gus alright?”

Things between Brian and Justin had been pretty strained for months and they didn't talk more than was necessary. Now that Brian was working again and had his own agency, Gus came to the agency after school sometimes and hung out there, trying to spend some time with Brian there, but by now they mostly spend time on the weekends when Brian would take Gus to his soccer games and would practise with him. It wasn't because either of them wanted it this way, it was merely how circumstances had worked out. Once Gus had realised that Brian would be staying in Toronto for good and he would have his father back for good, he had started to go back to more of his after school activities and had started to hang out more with his friends again, all activities that Brian had supported as it had given him the time to focus on his job and then starting his own company. Of course Brian would have liked to spend more time with Gus, but he also knew that an age appropriate social life was important for his son and that it was important that he himself had a job, so he would be able to provide for Gus when the day came. He knew that he would have to get his life back on track and everything in order before he went after custody of Gus. There was no point running into a potential custody battle without being prepared.

Brian made it a point to have time for Gus every time he showed up at the office and to keep his weekends free, so he could spend them with his son, but of course it wasn't the same as spending every afternoon after school with him as they had done the first couple of weeks after Brian had arrived in Toronto.

So far Justin had been adamant that there would be no sleepovers at Brian's and while both Brian and Gus had been unhappy about that, Brian had known that patience was needed. If he wanted to have a real chance to get custody of Gus, he needed to have his life figured out and needed to get his company up and running. He had tried to explain it to Gus as best as he could and so far his son had been more understanding than he could have expected.

Whenever they got to spend time together, they made the most of it and it warmed Brian's heart that still to this day Gus would call him every evening to check in with him and tell him about his day.

“Gus is fine,” Ethan replied, immediately recognising the worry in the older man and trying to calm it down right away. “I am not here because of Gus.”

“Then why are you here? I have to admit I didn't expect to see you here today,” Brian admitted as he led the younger man to his office and offered the seat across from his desk to him while he sat down in his own chair behind the desk. “Or any day to be honest.”

“I have become aware of a situation at the Symphony that might be interesting for you and your company,” Ethan started to explain, meeting Brian's gaze head on.

Brian knew that Ethan played violin for the Toronto Symphony Orchestra because he had been told that information about the younger man, but other than that, wasn't really aware of what was going on at the Symphony. That wasn't really where his interests lay.

“Interesting how?” Brian raised an eyebrow, not quite sure how a violin player, the Symphony and his company would go together.

“The Symphony is looking for a new advertising partner after there was a scandal with their old agency. So far it's all hush hush as everyone is trying to bury the scandal before it becomes public knowledge, but pretty soon the Symphony will be looking for a new ad agency,” Ethan explained.

“And how do you know about this scandal if everything is hush hush?” Brian asked, feeling slightly confused that a violin player would know something like that.

“Because it involves another violin player from the Orchestra and I will be replacing her now that she has left the Orchestra because of that scandal,” Ethan explained calmly.

Brian nodded, slowly getting an idea what the scandal was about. Sexual harrassment most likely. It wouldn't be the first time.

“And why are you telling me about this?” And this was really the question that interested Brian. Why would Justin's partner, the person that raised his son together with Justin and lived with him, a person that must know how strained his current relationship with Justin was, why would he come to his partner's former partner and tell him of an opportunity like this? And Brian was well aware how big of an opportunity this was. The Toronto Symphony Orchestra was world famous and had many concerts, tours and DVD releases each year. An advertising deal with them would involve many different avenues of advertising that could be very interesting and definitely would bring in a lot of money for a small boutique agency like his own.

“Why not?” Ethan shrugged, still meeting Brian's gaze head on. He looked innocent enough as he asked the question, but Brian doubted that that innocence was real. No one would offer an opportunity like that without having their own goals as well.

“What do you want in return?” Brian asked, getting straight to the point. “I will not give up any time with Gus,” he immediately made clear, right away shutting down that idea.

“And I wouldn't ask you to,” Ethan answered and even to Brian he sounded honest enough as he spoke. “Gus loves you and loves spending time with you. I would never come between that.”

Brian snorted in reply to that, rolling his eyes. “Yeah and my name is Princess Di...”

“Whatever is happening between you and Justin has nothing to do with me. I want Gus to be happy and I can see how much he enjoys spending time with you. I would never take that away from him. Not when it makes him so happy to have you around again.”

Brian eyed the younger man for the longest time, finally realising that he really seemed to mean it. He nodded, before he spoke again. “So what is your angle here?”

“No angle. Justin has always told me what a great ad exec you were. How innovative your campaigns had been back when...before Gilead and all. He would tell me again and again what a great ad man you were and I know that he doesn't give praise when it isn't due. So you must be good... As part of the Orchestra, I will benefit from good advertising as well. It's as easy as that: Justin said you are the best and as the best, you should get a shot at this. And I guess it wouldn't be a bad thing for a company that's just starting out to get an account like the Toronto Symphony Orchestra.”

“No, it wouldn't be,” Brian had to admit. An account like that could bring in many more afterwards and could open doors for him that would still be closed to him otherwise. It would be a great account for his company, he had to admit that himself.

“Does Justin know that you're here right now?”

“No, but I will tell him later,” Ethan answered calmly. “We usually try to stay out of each other's professional lives, but because of the current...situation...between him and you, I will of course mention it to him.”

“He won't like it,” Brian said truthfully, knowing how bad things were between them. It had been weeks since they had last spoken and whenever they saw each other, there were mostly short greetings that couldn't have been colder if they had been between the presidents of North and South Korea.

Ethan shrugged. “He doesn't have to, though I doubt it will matter much. He knows how good you are at your job and has always admired your work as an ad man. That hasn't changed just because other things have changed. And just because I told you about this opportunity, doesn't mean you will get the contract.”

Of course Ethan couldn't have been more wrong in his assessment. Justin had been pissed when he had found out, Brian had heard that much from Gus, but obviously Justin must have gotten over it as he and Ethan were still together and according to Gus still happy.

And as far as Brian had been concerned, Ethan had been right about one thing: He had given Brian the information that the account was up for grabs, but it was up to Brian to get it. And he had gotten it. He had created a campaign for the Symphony that had blown them away when he had presented it to them, making the Symphony look young, edgy and modern. They had loved the campaign and in the end Brian had gotten the account. Whether Justin had liked it or not.

Which had resulted in Kinnetik being a healthy, well-performing ad agency only six months after its creation.

Kinnetik doing well and making a profit, had also allowed Brian to go ahead and pay off the mortgage on his new apartment way faster than he had anticipated and even more importantly it had allowed him to hire the best custody lawyer in Toronto. Now that he had his life figured out and his professional career was doing great, he finally felt in a position to go after custody of Gus.

He had had several meetings with that lawyer in the last couple of weeks and they had finally been ready to file the papers for full custody for Gus. The papers should be served to Justin some time today.

Brian knew that filing for custody of Gus wouldn't improve his relationship with Justin at all, but there was nothing he could do about that now. Justin had made his choice when he had decided to be an ass about Brian spending time with Gus and at the moment his relationship with his son was all that mattered to Brian. Since there was no reasoning with Justin at the moment, there really hadn't been in months, the younger man had left him no other choice but to get lawyers involved.

At times he wished that they could have avoided it going this far, but if he had to make the same decision again, he would because he would do whatever it took to be able to spend more time with his son. A son he had missed for years and had fought so hard to be able to see again.

Chapter 16

They sat in a windowless room on the third floor of the Superior Court of Justice in front of Judge Traynor, a man in his mid-fifties who had clearly seen better days and looked like he was tired of being a judge residing over custody issues. He had this spent look that only people had that had seen too much trauma and sadness in life and Brian didn't even want to think about all the things this judge had heard in this very room.

He was pretty busy thinking about the situation he found himself in which was him and his lawyer on one side of the aisle and Justin, Ethan and their lawyer on the other. He couldn't help but wonder if there would have been any way to avoid this, but no matter how hard he had tried, Justin had been totally unreasonable and had left him no choice but to file papers for custody of Gus. Justin would allow him and Gus to spend time together, but he drew the line at overnight stays and any visit longer than a couple of hours which annoyed the hell out of Brian. Gus was his son, he was Gus' father, not Justin and if he wanted to have Gus stay over for a weekend or a week during his holidays, then he damn well should. In fact, as Gus' father, he should be the one Gus was staying with, not with Justin. Yes, Justin had taken care of Gus for years when Brian couldn't and Brian knew that Justin loved Gus and cared about him like he was his own son, but at the end of the day he wasn't Gus' father. Brian was. Which was the reason why Brian had gotten lawyers involved. He needed Justin to understand that he was not Gus' father and overstepping his boundaries.

Their relationship had only deteriorated more after the custody papers had been served and ever since Justin had pretty much avoided talking to him at all costs, claiming that his lawyer had advised him not to talk to Brian without legal counsel present. If they couldn't avoid talking to each other, it usually ended in huge fights, with both of them blaming the other for being unreasonable and not having Gus' best interest at heart.

Poor Gus had been stuck in the middle, torn between his love for his father and his love for Justin, who had been like a father to him for years as well. Even at 13 years old, Gus had tried to mediate between the two of them, had tried to offer compromises, but it hadn't led anywhere. Now this custody dispute was in the hands of lawyers.

There had been two meetings between them and their lawyers, before it had ended at the family court. Justin's lawyer had offered a custody deal which would still have Gus living with Justin and Ethan, would still allow Justin to call all the shots and most importantly would still not allow overnight visits. Brian had been furious and he and his lawyer had rejected the deal as unacceptable, just like Justin and his lawyer had rejected their deal.

Brian knew that Justin loved Gus and more importantly that his son also loved Justin. He didn't mean to end all contact between them. He knew how important Justin had been to Gus in recent years and he didn't want to end that special relationship between them. He wanted Gus to still have Justin in his life and he and his lawyer had offered what they had considered to be a very fair joint custody agreement. Justin had once again repeated his view that Brian should not be allowed overnight stays as he was in no mental state to take care of his son which Brian had angrily rejected.

In the end they hadn't been able to come to an agreement and the custody trial had moved on to the courts. Where they now found themselves in front of the honourable Judge Traynor.

The judge was currently reading something in a file, before he closed the file, sighed and looked at all of the people gathered in his courtroom.

“Gentlemen, this is a very delicate and sad situation you find yourselves in,” he started, his voice sounding just as sad as he looked exhausted. That man clearly had seen too much bad stuff in his life.

“We are talking about the life of a young boy who has been through more trauma than any child should ever have to endure. Not of your making, mind you, but still... Poor Gus has lost his mothers, lost his father for years, thinking he had died, only to find out that wasn't true and having him in his life again. All of this is very challenging for a boy of his age and it saddens me that between the two of you, you haven't been able to come to a solution yourselves, Mr. Kinney and Mr. Taylor. I don't doubt that either of you have Gus' best interest at heart, but really... is this what's best for Gus? You two here in my courtroom, fighting for who gets to spend more time with him?”

Brian hung his head, knowing that the judge was partly right. Gus had been through enough already and none of what was going on now was good for him. Gus loved both of them, wanted to spend time with both of them and was now caught in the middle while Brian and Justin fought about him as if he was some toy. He wished this could have been avoided, but once again he was absolutely convinced that Justin had left him no other choice.

When he raised his head and looked over to the table on the other side of the aisle where Justin and Ethan were sitting with their lawyer, Brian could see the tension in the younger man. As someone who knew Justin as well as he did, it wasn't hard to recognise the tension in his jaw, his shoulders, but most importantly Brian could see defiance in those blue eyes. Justin didn't think that he was at fault either. What did that make them? Did they really have Gus' best interest at heart or was this just about winning against the other for both of them?

While Brian thought about that, wondering if any of this was really going to help Gus in the long run and wondering if there was anything else he could have done to avoid it getting this out of hand, the voice of the judge brought him back to the here and now.

“Alas, it is what it is and we are here now. I have read proposals for custody agreements from both sides, I have read the minutes of previous meetings between both sides and the impression I am getting is that the biggest issue seems to be the issue of overnight stays. I don't think either side is really trying to forbid the other side from spending time with Gus, correct?”

Both lawyers nodded, muttering a quiet “Correct” to what the judge had just said.

“Mr. Taylor, can I ask you why you don't want Gus to spend time with his father this way? Why you are so adamantly against Gus staying overnight with Mr. Kinney?”

When Justin's lawyer started speaking, the judge interrupted him right away. “Thank you, Mr. Wilson. I would like to hear from Mr. Taylor himself what his reasons are. Thanks.”

The lawyer looked towards Justin, then nodded at the younger man, urging him to go and explain his point of view.

“Your honour, it's not that I don't want Gus to spend time with his father. Quite on the contrary. Gus loves his father and loves spending time with him, he has been beyond happy when it turned out that Brian... Mr. Kinney, I mean, was still alive and safe here in Toronto. I also know that Mr Kinney loves Gus and would move the world for him and his happiness.”

As Justin took a breath, the judge interrupted. “So far that sounds all good and well to me, Mr Taylor, but it doesn't explain why you don't want Gus to spend any nights with his father.”

“Because he did... once... and because of what happened that night,” Justin said quietly, trying to ignore the angry snort that came from Brian in return.

“What exactly happened, Mr. Taylor?” The judge urged Justin to elaborate some more.

“Gus was staying with his father overnight and he called me in the middle of the night. He was crying and clearly scared because his father seemed to have a nightmare. Mr Kinney was yelling and lashing out and Gus didn't know what to do or how to react to that. I drove over and Gus was beyond frightened and clearly disturbed by seeing his father like that. Mr. Kinney was lashing out, was screaming in his sleep, his voice almost hoarse from the screams by the time I arrived and it took me a long time to wake Mr. Kinney up from his nightmare,” Justin sighed, thinking back to that night. “I myself have gone through trauma and know about nightmares better than anyone and... I know that nightmares like that don't just disappear on their own. Instead of tackling the issue, working through what has caused the nightmare, Mr. Kinney pretended it had never happened and downplayed the significance of what had happened that night. He took Gus shopping, threw money at the problem, hoping to make it disappear that way. Gus was beyond scared that night and until Mr. Kinney gets his act together, I can't risk that it will happen again if Gus spends the night again. I can't put Gus through that again. He's too young and shouldn't be faced with a situation like that, not when it could be avoided,” Justin ended calmly.

Brian just shook his head, not able to believe that Justin had portrayed him like a nutcase because of one nightmare.

“Mr. Kinney, what is your take on the events of that night?” The judge asked next, now addressing Brian directly.

Brian took a deep breath, before he began to speak. “It is correct, I had a nightmare that night. It was one nightmare. And by the next day, Gus had already moved on. Mr. Taylor makes it sound as if Gus got traumatised that night which is not what happened. Yes, he was worried and scared, but the next day we talked about what had happened and he was fine afterwards. I doubt that he would even remember that night now. It was one nightmare, and I am sure your honour that all of us have had nightmares at one point or another. Is that reason enough to not let kids spend nights with their parents?”

“Only that it wasn't just one nightmare, was it?” Justin asked calmly, now turning to look at Brian, meeting his gaze head on. What Brian saw in Justin's eyes confused him because he didn't only see anger, but he also saw pity and even more than that a deep understanding.

At that point Justin's lawyer took over and got up, holding a stack of papers in his hands. “Your honour, we have signed statements from the nurses at the hospital that Mr. Kinney was treated in when he came to Toronto as well as statements from his neighbours at his place of residence where the incident happened, confirming that it wasn't just a single incident. We have statements confirming that these nightmares happened regularly and to the best of our knowledge are still happening now.”

The lawyer walked over and handed the statements to the judge before returning to his seat at the table.

“You spied on me?” Brian spat, looking at Justin from furious eyes.

“Not spying, Mr. Kinney. In Gus' best interest we needed to make sure if your account of it being a single nightmare was correct or not and judging by what we have been told, it's not,” Justin's lawyer fired back immediately.

“I don't believe this,” Brian muttered, still looking beyond furious and throwing daggers as he glared at Justin.

“You need help, Brian. I know because I have been there myself. After prom,” Justin said quietly. “Whatever happened to you in Gilead... you need help working through that. Not only for Gus' sake, but also for your own sake.”

“I am fine,” Brian was nearly yelling now, feeling absolutely furious that Justin would have gone to such lengths to portray him in a bad light.

When he felt his lawyer's hand on his arm, Brian looked away from Justin and turned to his lawyer, who was now urging him to calm down and stay quiet.

Brian did as he was told, knowing that he was not helping his case at all by his outburst, but even though he knew that, he couldn't help one last parting shot. “I am not you, Sunshine! I can very well deal with my own problems.”

Justin's eyes widened, but he refrained from replying anything. He just shook his head sadly, before he turned away from Brian and turned towards the judge. “I know that Mr. Kinney loves Gus more than anything and would never hurt him, but... that night... he was lashing out in his dreams and if Gus hadn't stayed away because I told him to, if Gus had come close to his father, had tried to wake him up himself, he could have been hurt by Mr. Kinney. Apart from the traumatic experience Gus went through seeing his father like that, getting physically hurt is a risk I can't subject him to.”

“I would never hurt, Gus!” Brian now all but roared, his anger once again flaring up at Justin's words.

“You wouldn't even know. You're not in control, Brian. I know you wouldn't mean to, but as long as there is the danger of you accidentally hurting him, I can't allow him to be anywhere near you while you are still having those nightmares. Please, Brian! Get your act together. If not for yourself, for Gus!” Justin was now all but pleading, once again looking at Brian directly, their gazes meeting across the aisle.

“You don't know what you're talking about,” Brian muttered angrily, not ready to give an inch.

“Sadly I do,” Justin sighed and left it at that, looking sadder than Brian could remember seeing the young man in a long time.

Before Brian could reply, the judge interrupted. “Okay, gentlemen. It is clear that there seems to be more going on in this case than met the eye at first. At the end of the day, this is about Gus though, not about either of you. I will need some time to work through these statements, so I suggest that we all take a break and reconvene here in about two hours.”

With that the judge stood up and left the room, leaving the men and their lawyers alone in his courtroom.

“How dare you?” Brian immediately went on the attack. “You know nothing. Nothing!”

“And how could I? You don't share anything. You never have. Not with me, not with Emmett, not with Daph. None of us know what you went through. None of us can help you because you won't let us.”

“I don't need help,” Brian shot back at the man across the aisle who was ready to get up and leave the room. “And certainly not from you!”

“We all do... even the mighty Brian Kinney does,” Justin said, before he took Ethan's hand and left the room with him and his lawyer.

As soon as they had left, Brian's lawyer turned on him. “You should have stayed calm. That didn't help your case at all.”

“Stay calm? While he portrayed me to be some nutcase? Because of one fucking nightmare?”

“Is it just one nightmare, though? What are those statements from the nurses and your neighbours saying?” The lawyer asked, looking at Brian intently.

“Hell if I know,” Brian shrugged, though if he was honest with himself, he knew what they would be saying. And he knew that it wouldn't help his case at all.

“How often did you have those nightmares?” His lawyer asked, his voice making it clear that he expected an honest answer.

“A couple of nights a month,” Brian finally answered evasively.

“And how often do you have them now?”

“Does it matter?” Brian asked, already knowing the answer himself.

“If you want to have any chance of joint custody of your son, yes, the answer matters. And you know that yourself!”

Brian sighed, before he muttered almost inaudibly. “A couple of nights a month.”

“This is not good,” his lawyer said seriously, before he turned to leave the courtroom as well, Brian following behind him.

***

During the break Brian had pretty much been ripped a new one by his lawyer who had been beyond furious. They had talked about several options of what could happen now and none of them had sounded good to Brian's ears. He knew he should have been honest about the nature of his nightmares, but really, they were his business not anyone else's and most definitely not Justin's and he still couldn't believe that Justin had stooped as low as that and had used something like nightmares against him. Justin of all people who had been going through it himself so many years ago.

And in any case, they made it sound so much worse than it really was. Who didn't suffer from nightmares? Most people did. It didn't mean that they had problems or were dangerous or shouldn't be around their children. As if some nightmares every now and then made him a nutcase...

Brian was still fuming when Justin, Ethan and their lawyer returned to the courtroom and refused to even look at him. He just stared straight ahead waiting for the judge to return to the room which he did a couple of minutes later.

There was an eerie silence in the room as the judge sat down behind his desk and put some folders with papers in front of him.

“Gentlemen, I must say that this is not your average custody case. First of all because of the circumstances of how Gus ended up living with Mr. Taylor in the first place, then because of the re-appearance of Mr. Kinney and the circumstances around that and last but not least because of the current disagreement of how much time either party should get to spend with Gus.”

The judge cleared his throat, as he opened a folder. “As I mentioned before, we have to look at Gus and his well-being here and my only interest in this is what is best for Gus at this point. Mr. Kinney,” the judge looked up and locked gazes with Brian.

“I have no doubt that you have been through hell and I have even less doubt that you love your son. It is understandable that after everything you have been through, after everything he has been through, you would want to spend more time with him. Mr. Taylor,” the judge now turned towards Justin and locked gazes with him.

“I also don't doubt how much you love Gus. You have taken him in and raised him as if he were your own son for so many years. I am sure you consider him your son by now and that he also considers you to be a father to him.”

Justin nodded, because everything the judge had said was true. He loved Gus like his own son and he knew that Gus also loved him as if he were his father.

“It has now come to me to decide what will be best for Gus under the circumstances presented to me and...I must admit that it has not been an easy decision. Generally, we would favour biological parents and I must admit that I would have been inclined to do the same had I not been presented with the serious doubts about Mr. Kinney's ability to take care of Gus in his current mental state. In no good conscience can I allow Gus to be subjected to possible physical or mental harm from his father, however accidentally that harm might be caused. It is therefore my decision to not grant joint custody at this point in time and to leave custody with Mr. Taylor. Mr. Kinney will receive supervised visitation for the time being, a court appointed social worker supervising his interactions with Gus for the time being.”

There was angry muttering from Brian's side, but that quickly died down when the judge continued. “Silence! I want to reconvene in three months time to see how things might have changed. By that time I'd like to have a psychiatric evaluation of Mr. Kinney's ability to take care of his son as well as a report on Gus and how he is affected by the new circumstances.”

The judge took a deep breath, then turned to Brian once more. “I know this is not what you were hoping for Mr. Kinney, but with Gus' best interest at heart, it is the only decision I could make.”

With that the judge got up and left the room, leaving a stunned audience behind.

Brian nearly jumped out of his seat and made his way to the door, only stopping when he heard the one voice he didn't want to hear right now, call out his name quietly.

“Brian?”

He slowly turned around and glared at the man who dared to call out to him.

“Happy?” He spat, then turned around once more and left the room without a further glance at his lawyer or anyone else in the room.

Justin hung his head, taking a deep breath. Yes, he had won and he knew that he should be happy because he had gotten his way, but for some reason he felt anything but. He actually felt quite horrible if he was honest with himself and he didn't quite know why as he looked after the slowly closing door that Brian had just stormed through.

Chapter 17

Brian sighed as he watched Gus and saw the sad expression on his son's face. “What is it, sonny boy? I thought you liked coming here?”

They were currently sitting in Gus' favourite restaurant, which in Brian's opinion barely deserved that description as to him it was nothing more than a fast-food hell of death. Gus loved the burgers in this place though and Brian had thought that taking him here for lunch would cheer him up.

“I do,” Gus muttered, before looking back down at the table again.

“Then what is it?” Brian urged, trying to get his son to tell him what was wrong.

“Does she really have to be here even while we're eating lunch?” The young boy muttered as he looked at the social worker who was sitting at the next table with a notebook pretending not to watch them, but doing a very bad job of it and clearly watching their interactions and listening to what they were saying.

This was the third time they had been hanging out together since that fateful day in court about a week ago and it was the third time they had the court appointed social worker hanging out with them while they were spending time together.

Brian knew that Justin had explained to Gus about the supervised visitation and the social worker being present and he knew that he had also done his best to explain the situation to his son, but it was obvious that Gus wasn't happy and hated every minute of it. Gus had been very subdued on their last two visits and today was no different. He was hardly speaking and knowing his son as well as he did, Brian knew that Gus was clearly uncomfortable with the woman being present and watching all their interactions.

And if he was honest with himself, so was Brian. It was weird to have someone watch every interaction he had with his son and make notes about the things they did, the way they interacted and what they said to each other. He hated it himself, but different to Gus, he understood that there wasn't much they could do about it for the time being. There was no way they could go against a court order from a judge, yet Brian knew that it was a lot harder for Gus to understand why they would suddenly always have another person with them no matter what they did or where they went and why he couldn't any longer spend any time on his own with his father like he had done for the last year.

“Gus,” Brian sighed, running a hand through his son's auburn locks. “I know you don't like this and quite honestly, I don't like it either, but for the time being, we have to follow the rules the judge has set for us.”

“Why? Why would he make such a stupid rule? We always spent time on our own before and were fine. Why would that suddenly change?” Gus asked, being a typical teenager. He was moody and bratty like the best of them, being no different to any other teenagers out there.

As Brian listened to Gus, he knew that he was partly to blame for that. Several times since that court hearing, he had beaten himself up about the fact that his desire to spend more time with Gus had ended them in this situation. If he had just been happy with what they had had before, if he had just accepted Justin's rules, he would still be able to spend time with Gus on his own, without a court appointed supervisor following their every move. It had been his desire to gain full custody of Gus that had ended them in the situation they were in now. He knew that and was well aware of the role he had played in all of this, but more than that, he was aware of the role Justin had played. If Justin had just been reasonable and had let Brian spend more time with Gus, if he hadn't gone and gotten those statements about his nightmares that he had presented to the judge, they wouldn't be in this situation either. So while Brian was willing to accept his fault in all of this, he was not yet ready to forgive the younger man for the role he had played in this mess. Not that he would ever voice as much in front of Gus. He knew that Gus loved Justin and he didn't want to destroy that, had never wanted to and just as importantly, he knew how bad talking badly about Justin to Gus would look in front of the social worker listening in to every word they were saying.

“Gus, I know it's not easy to understand, but... all I wanted was to spend more time with you. I didn't know the judge would make this decision.”

“And I want to spend more time with you, but no one is even asking me what I want. Not Justin, not the judge, not her,” he angrily pointed at the woman at the next table.

Brian felt his heart break at Gus' anger and pain and he wished there was something he could do to make all the pain go away. “I care what you want, Gus. Which is why I am asking you to just go along with it for a while longer, okay? If this is what the judge wants, this is what we'll do. I am sure that in the end he'll let you spend more time with me, okay?”

Gus didn't look convinced and just hung his head.

“And you will get your chance to tell them what you want, I promise. Did Justin tell you that they want to speak to you as well and want to hear what you have to say?” Brian asked, not quite sure what exactly Justin had told Gus about the judge's decision and how much detail he had shared with Gus. After all it wasn't like he and Justin were talking and agreeing on how to best keep Gus in the loop. He was treading completely blind here as he had no idea what Justin had shared with Gus so far apart from what Gus had mentioned to him.

“I know,” Gus murmured, before looking up at Brian from glassy eyes. “But he said things would be like this for three months. I don't want them to be like this. I hate this, Dad.”

By now the tears had started and Brian moved over to Gus's side, sitting down next to his son and taking him into his arms. Under normal circumstances Gus would have complained that at 13 years old he was too old and too cool to be hugged by his father in public and he would be embarrassed by his own tears, but these were not normal circumstances and Brian was glad when Gus allowed the hug and actually leaned into his father's embrace.

“I hate it, too,” Brian whispered into auburn hair as he held Gus tight. “But we can do this, okay? We'll just follow their rules, do what they want and then it will be over before we know it. It'll be alright, Gus.”

Brian ran a hand up and down Gus' back and tried to comfort his son as best as he could. “I love you, sonny boy and I know that this is not what we were hoping for, but it'll be okay. Three months isn't that long.”

“I love you, too, Dad,” Gus replied, before he pulled back and angrily wiped away his tears. He sniffed twice, used one of the napkins to wipe his nose, then took a deep breath, before he tried to smile at his father, clearly embarrassed by his earlier display of emotions. “Do you think we can go to the park after lunch and play some soccer? I want to show you some new trick that I learned this week at practice.”

“That sounds perfect,” Brian agreed enthusiastically, maybe a bit too enthusiastically, but he didn't care. He just wanted Gus to be happy and if going to the park and playing soccer made Gus happy then that was what he would do.

A couple of minutes later their lunch was served and they tried to enjoy their time together as much as they could under their current circumstances. Gus seemed to feel better now, telling Brian all about his days at school, but knowing Gus as well as he did, Brian knew that his son wasn't alright. He was suffering from the situation, was suffering from being watched by a social worker at all times that he interacted with his father and as much as both Brian and Gus tried to ignore her presence, they were always fully aware of it. Even Gus. Brian knew it and could see it on his son's face and it broke his heart.

***

“Gus, what are you doing here?” Brian frowned as he walked into the lobby of Kinnetik. His secretary had just buzzed him and told him that Gus was there to see him. Brian knew that Gus shouldn't be there, that he was not allowed to spend any time with Gus without supervision, but what was he supposed to do if Gus just showed up at his office like this? Something he had done hundreds of times before without it ever being any problem.

“Dad!” Gus exclaimed as he walked up to Brian and threw his arms around him.

“Are you okay?” Brian asked, wondering if something might have happened that had made Gus come here out of the blue.

“I just missed you so much, Dad!” Gus said quietly as he hugged his father closer.

Brian returned the hug and held his son tight. After a minute he led him towards his office. “I miss you, too, sonny boy. Do Justin and Ethan know that you're here?” Brian couldn't help but ask as they sat down on the sofa in his spacious office, though he was pretty sure that he already knew the answer to that. As if Justin would allow Gus to go and visit Brian.

Gus just shook his head and Brian couldn't help but notice a guilty expression on his son's face.

“Gus?”

“I just wanted to see you without her being there as well,” the boy muttered, his voice sounding slightly flustered now. “Just for once.”

“Gus,” Brian now sighed, looking at the sad expression oh his son's face. He knew exactly how Gus was feeling and wanted that nothing more himself, but unlike Gus, he knew how much trouble they could be in if he broke the judge's order and spent any time with Gus on his own. “We can't.”

“Why not? I always came here after school. So many times and it was never a problem. Why is it a problem now?”

Brian could hear the anger in Gus' voice and he couldn't even blame his son for being angry. It didn't make a lot of sense after all.

“Because the judge decided that for the moment we can only spend time together when she is present,” Brian said quietly.

“But I hate it when she is there. I don't like her watching us,” his son exclaimed and Brian could only nod.

“I know... but it is what it is for now. I wish we could change it, Gus, but for now we can't.”

“Just because you and Justin can't come to an agreement? Just because you and he have to fight about me?”

“Gus,” Brian sighed, but didn't get to say anything else.

“That's it, isn't it? You and he can't agree on who gets to spend more time with me and now I am being punished. I hate you. Both of you!”

“Gus,” Brian tried once more, watching how his son angrily got up from the sofa and started pacing in his office.

“I do! I hate both of you! I am not some toy that you can argue about. I have feelings, too. I have an opinion, but no one is asking me...”

“Gus, I wish there was something I could do to change how things are...” Brian got up as well and slowly walked over to where Gus was still pacing angrily. He knew better than to touch his son in this situation. Gus reminded him way too much of himself when he was angry and Brian knew that if Gus was anything like himself, he was feeling like a caged animal right now and needed to be treated with care. “I am sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am that it came to this.”

“I just want to spend time with you without someone watching us and judging everything we do and say,” Gus sobbed as the tears overwhelmed him. “I missed you so much and now... you're back, but... I still can't spend time with you... it's not fair...”

“I know,” Brian agreed quietly, knowing how unfair it all had to seem to Gus at his age. And he really knew. All these years he had hoped and prayed and wished to see Gus and Justin again and to spend time with them again and this hadn't been what he had hoped and prayed for. It was far from it, but for the moment it was their reality and he knew that there was nothing they could change about it. “I missed you too, sonny boy. I... for so long...I thought I would never see you again and when I did, it was the happiest day of my life. I am sorry things didn't work out the way you would have wanted them to...”

Brian hung his head, knowing that he had disappointed his son, something he had never wanted to do. “I only ever wanted you to be happy and...I am sorry you're not...”

Gus' sobs quieted down as he looked up at his father and saw that he was crying himself now. Not sobbing like Gus was, but a single tear making its way down his cheek and a sadness in his eyes that Gus had never seen there before. “Dad?”

“I am sorry everything is such a mess right now, but... I love you, Gus. More than anything. You have to believe me.”

Gus watched his father intently and saw the pain in his eyes, but more than that he saw absolute honesty and sincerity. He slowly made his way over to his father and hugged him. “I love you, too, Dad.”

They stood like that for a long time, just holding on to each other as they both cried silent tears over all the years they had lost and all the pain they had each been through in their own way.

“I love you, Dad. I am sorry I said that I hated you... I don't... I really don't.”

“It's okay. I love you, sonny boy. And it's totally normal to hate your parents every once in a while. Especially when you're a teenager. I think you're legally required to, actually.”

Brian smiled when Gus chuckled in reaction to what he had said, glad to hear that sound coming from his son. He ran a hand through Gus' hair, before he pulled back and looked at his son. “I promise it won't always be like this, Gus. Things will get better.”

“When?” Gus asked, his voice sounding younger and more innocent than he was.

Brian sighed, leave it to Gus to ask the hard questions. “I don't know and I don't want to lie to you by saying soon, but... I am really hoping soon. I would love nothing more than for us to spend time again on our own.”

Gus nodded in resignation, kind of hating his father's honesty because it wasn't the answer he had hoped for, but also appreciating it because his father hadn't just lied to him, but had told him the truth and had deemed him old enough to be able to deal with it.

Brian let go of Gus and slowly made his way over to his desk, running a hand through his hair.

“Where do Justin and Ethan think you are right now?” He asked his son, hating to bring their conversation back to their current circumstances, but being well aware of the trouble he could be in right now and trying to find a solution out of it. If it were up to him, he wouldn't give a fuck about them and would just spend the rest of the day with Gus, but he knew that wasn't possible and he wouldn't risk the little time he still had with Gus by breaking the judge's order. As much as he hated ending this visit from his son, he knew that he needed to take Gus back to where he belonged. At least to where he belonged for the moment, no matter how much his heart would prefer for him to do something else. In this case his head won over his heart.

Gus shrugged, lowering his eyes.

“Gus?”

“I don't know...I didn't tell them anything and just came here.”

“Why didn't you tell them?” Brian asked, though he was sure that he already knew the answer.

“Because Justin would have said no and would have forbidden me from coming here,” Gus muttered, his voice making it clear what he thought of that.

Brian couldn't help but notice how Gus had only mentioned Justin when he himself had been talking about Justin and Ethan. “And Ethan?”

“He probably would have let me, but Justin would have just stopped him from allowing me to come here anyway...”

Brian stored that bit of information away, making a mental note to remember that. “So now they are probably going crazy and are worrying where you are?”

“Maybe,” Gus said quietly, not wanting to admit that his father was probably right. He should have been home from school about an hour ago. As he didn't have any soccer practice today and wasn't supposed to meet a friend after school, Justin and Ethan would probably be waiting for him and were wondering where he was.

“Okay, I am taking you home,” Brian finally declared, after thinking over what would be the best thing to do. Yes, it was tempting to just spend time with Gus and ignore Justin and Ethan, but his head was constantly reminding him of how much trouble he would be in if he did that. Justin would just run to the judge and come tomorrow Brian wouldn't be allowed to see Gus at all with his luck. And there was no chance in hell he would risk that. Yes, he could call them and tell them where Gus was, but he knew well enough that Justin would only demand that he return Gus home right away and would still throw a fit, so better to face the music in person. Maybe he would be able to make Justin understand why Gus had done what he had done.

“Dad,” Gus whined, looking at his father from defiant eyes. “Please, don't. I just want to spend some time with you.”

“I know and there is nothing I would love more, but Gus... we can't... not right now. Not with the judge having made his decision. We have to follow his rules. If we go against his decision, there could be big problems.”

“Problems?” Gus frowned, not liking the sound of that.

Brian didn't want to scare Gus, didn't want to make him any sadder than he already was, so he tried to choose his words very carefully. “When a judge makes a decision, people have to follow it, Gus. You are young and you didn't know any better, but... from now on... I need you to promise me that you won't come here without asking Justin and Ethan first.”

“But...,” Gus started, looking at his father pleadingly.

“I know you only want to spend time with me and believe me, I get it. I want nothing more, but as long as the judge doesn't take back his decision, we can't go against what he has decided. We have to follow his rules, no matter how much we hate them.”

“But I miss you, Dad...”

“I know. I miss you, too,” Brian sighed, looking at Gus sadly. “And you know you can call me at any time. Whenever you miss me, give me a call, okay? We can talk then, I promise.”

“But it's not the same,” Gus whined, looking at Brian sadly.

“No, it's not, but for now it's all we can do. I am sure with time the judge will change his mind, but for now... we can't risk making the judge angry by going against his rules,” Brian explained carefully.

“Will he be angry because I went against his rules?” Gus asked, now sounding slightly worried what trouble his actions might have caused.

“I don't think so, but...from now on, we should try to follow them even though we don't like them.”

“I didn't mean to cause any problems,” Gus said, his voice sounding honest and sincere.

Brian walked over to his son and hugged him once more. “I know, sonny boy. Don't worry, I know.”

After their hug ended, Brian looked at Gus closely. “I love you, sonny boy. I really do. More than you know, but for now... if you miss me, just call me, okay? And then we can talk for as long as you want, okay?”

“Okay,” the young boy agreed reluctantly, before he allowed Brian to lead him out of his office. Brian informed his secretary that he would be gone for the rest of the afternoon and then took Gus home.

The closer they came to home, the more nervous Gus got. “Do you think Justin will be angry?” Gus asked, looking at his father from slightly worried eyes.

“I don't know,” Brian said honestly, not sure he knew how Justin might react. There had been a time when he would have been able to predict Justin's reaction to anything, but that time was long gone and by now it was like he hardly knew the younger man anymore. “Why don't you let me talk to him and try to explain to him first?”

“I doubt he'll listen to you,” Gus said, looking out of the window as they turned into the street his home was on.

Brian couldn't argue with that, knowing that Gus was probably right, still he didn't want for his son to feel any worse than he already did. “It's worth a try.”

As they pulled into the driveway, Brian gave Gus' shoulder an encouraging squeeze. “We can do this.”

Before they even got out of the car, the front door of the house opened and both Justin and Ethan made their way outside. Brian knew the moment Justin realised that it was his car in the driveway because he saw how Justin's features immediately changed from worried to angry.

“Here goes nothing,” he whispered to himself as Gus already left his car.

“Gus! Where have you been? We have been so worried!” Justin exclaimed as he walked over and tried to cool down his anger at seeing Gus in Brian's car.

“I am alright,” Gus muttered, reluctantly allowing for Justin to give him a hug as their paths crossed.

“Why don't you go to your room and get started on your homework, sonny boy and let me and Justin and Ethan talk?” Brian suggested, nodding at Gus encouragingly.

Justin was about to reply, but was stopped by Ethan's hand on his arm. “I think that's a good idea,” he said, smiling at Gus, before he turned to Justin, his eyes telling the blond to not say whatever he had been thinking of saying.

“I love you, Dad,” Gus said, smiling at his father before he made his way inside, knowing that for now he would be okay. Maybe his father would be able to explain to Justin and Justin wouldn't be angry with him later on.

Once Gus was gone and the front door had closed, Justin immediately shook off Ethan's hand on his arm and went on the attack. “Why was he with you? You know he can't be with you...”

“Calm down,” Brian said, trying not to let his anger win over. And god, did he feel angry, just seeing the self-righteous way Justin was looking at him. “I can explain if you will let me.”

“Explain? What is there to explain? You broke the judge's order,” Justin spat, not feeling one bit like calming down. His emotions were on overload. He had been so worried about Gus and his mind had gone crazy thinking about what could have happened to him.

“Justin,” Ethan started, but stopped when Justin now turned to him.

“You know how worried I was. Thinking he might have had an accident or worse... and the whole time I was worried that something might have happened to him, Brian was with him? Don't even think about telling me to calm down.”

“And yet you didn't even call me,” Brian interjected before Justin could go on.

“Excuse me?” Justin frowned, wondering if Brian was for real.

“Gus didn't return home from school, you had no idea where he was, thinking the worst, yet you apparently didn't even think of calling me, his father, to let me know that my son was missing!”

“Well, turns out you knew all along where he was, didn't you?” Justin spat, not even for a second thinking about Brian's words and if he might be right about them.

“And I will explain to you, if you just calm the fuck down,” Brian gave back, his anger rising by the second.

“Don't tell me to calm down. You are in so much trouble. I hope this afternoon was worth it because it will be the last time you'll be seeing Gus in a long time.”

“Justin,” Ethan started once more, trying to calm his partner down. “Why don't you at least give Brian a chance to explain what happened?”

“What happened? Oh, I know what happened. Brian thought that the rules don't apply to him and he could just go and pick Gus up at school and spend the afternoon with him, breaking the judge's order, not caring about you or me and how worried we would be. Well, here's some news for you: That's not how this works!” Justin nearly yelled at the two men standing close to him.

“I didn't pick him up. He came to my office,” Brian said quietly, trying to stay as calm as he could under the circumstances. “Can't you see what this is doing to him? Are you so high up your horse that you can't see how much pain he is in?”

“He can't come to your office. Why didn't you call us right away?” Justin asked, his voice full of indignation.

“Because my son is suffering and needed me,” Brian spat. “This whole situation is destroying him. Have you looked at him recently?”

“Of course I have. I see him every day.”

“Then can't you see what this is doing to him?” Brian asked, wondering if Justin really couldn't see it or didn't want to see it.

“I didn't make the rules,” Justin said, crossing his arms. Yes, he could see how sad Gus had been in the last couple of days, he could hear in his voice how much he missed Brian and missed spending time with him on his own, but the judge's order was what it was and they would just have to accept the new rules.

“Neither did he and yet he's the one suffering the most from them,” Brian said, before taking a deep breath. “He came to my office because he has done so many times before and it has never been a problem before. He doesn't understand why he's suddenly not allowed to come and see me any longer. He doesn't understand why there's suddenly a woman with us everywhere we go, watching our every move and listening to every word we say. He doesn't understand any of this.”

“I explained it to him,” Justin started, but was interrupted by Ethan at that point.

“Did he say why he came to your office today of all days?” The younger man wondered, sounding much calmer than his partner at his side.

“He said he missed me and that he just wanted to spend some time with me on his own without anyone else present,” Brian shrugged, before turning back to Justin. “Don't worry, I explained to him that it's not possible and I explained to him why he can't. But he's a young boy, Justin. How is he supposed to understand any of this?”

“I am not the one that made the rules,” Justin said once again, still looking angry more than anything.

“If that's what you have to tell yourself, so you can sleep at night,” Brian muttered, shaking his head angrily.

“It was the judge's decision, not mine,” Justin gave right back, the volume of his voice rising once more.

“And why did he make that decision? Jesus Christ, don't pretend you don't know your part in any of this. You know very well how he came to that decision and why.”

“It's not my fault that you didn't go and get any help, Brian. That's a decision you made,” Justin angrily shot back, not ready to take the blame for what was going on.

“Help? I don't need any help... Jesus Christ...”

“Why don't we all calm down?” Ethan suggested, knowing full well that they were only seconds away from another full-blown argument. “Brian,” he said, turning towards the older man, who was clearly fuming by now. “Thanks for bringing Gus back home safely. We really appreciate it.”

Justin's head shot to his partner looking at him in absolute disbelief. “We appreciate it? It was the least he could do after not even calling us to let us know that Gus was with him.”

“I am sorry, I was too busy comforting my son who was crying his heart out because he's in pain right now, to care about you and your feelings. And let's not forget that you didn't call me either!”

“I am under no obligation to call you,” Justin nearly yelled, his anger once again taking over. God, why was Brian making him so angry? Why couldn't he see his own part in this whole mess? Justin had always allowed Gus to spend time with Brian, it was the judge that had issued the order that all visits should be supervised now, not him. He had never requested that! And he wouldn't take the blame for following that order.

“I am his father!” Brian now yelled back. “I have a right to know when my son is missing.”

“Only that he wasn't missing, but was with you. Where he wasn't supposed to be. My lawyer will get in contact with the judge to let him know that you broke the court order. You will regret this, Brian!”

“Justin, please,” Ethan said calmly, once again trying to get his partner to calm down.

“I will not regret taking care of my son when he is in pain and needs me. I will never regret being there for Gus when he needs me,” Brian said seriously, before he turned back to his car, knowing that there was no point in speaking to Justin under these circumstances. As he opened the door, he looked at Justin one last time. “I know that you love him. For god's sake, remember that love and take one good look at him and ask yourself if what we're doing is really the best for him.”

Not listening to Justin's reply, Brian got into the car and drove off, knowing fully well that he would have a lot of thinking to do that evening, thinking about his own role in all of this. And he would. He had seen for weeks how sad Gus had been, but seeing how much pain his son had been in today, had broken him and had made him realise that this was not what was best for Gus, quite on the contrary. It was destroying the happy boy his son had been.

Chapter 18

Brian sat on his leather sofa, looking outside the window at the skyline of Toronto. It was already late and dark and as there were no lights on in his apartment, he could see the lights of the city from his window. Not that he was really paying attention to the view. Or anything really. For the last hour, he had looked at the glass of whiskey in his hand, but had looked more through it than at it, caught deep in his own thoughts.

After he had left Justin's place, he had driven around the city without any specific destination in mind for about an hour, before he had finally returned to his apartment. He had then grabbed the bottle of whiskey and had started drinking right away. He had been in the frame of mind to get absolutely wasted in order to forget about the events of the day, but after two shots of whiskey had stopped and had started staring at his drink instead of drinking it.

Realistically, he was well aware that getting drunk wouldn't solve anything and as much as he would just love to forget about the day's events and even more so about his son's general state of mind at the moment, he knew that he couldn't. He was Gus' father and it was his responsibility to make sure that his son would be alright. Whether he lived with him or not. And in order to make some decisions regarding Gus' wellbeing, he knew he needed a clear head, so the more he had started thinking about what he could do to help Gus, the more he had gotten caught in his own head.

The longer he had thought about Gus, how much pain he was in and how much he was suffering, the more he couldn't help but wonder if maybe it would have been for the best if he had never shown up in his son's life again.

Gus had been happy with Justin and Ethan before Brian had returned into his life and if it wouldn't have been for Brian's desire to get full custody, he would probably still be his usual happy self.

The more Brian had thought about the events ever since his return into Gus' and Justin's life, the more he couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't have been best for either of them if Brian had just stayed dead in their minds. He knew that they had grieved and had suffered, but they had also moved on and started a new life and they had been happy.

Neither Gus nor Justin had seemed particularly happy earlier and Brian knew that it was his fault. And the more he had thought about his role in this mess, the worse he had felt. Gus had been right when he had yelled at him that he was not a toy for Justin and him to fight over. What had they been thinking? What had he been thinking? Had his own desire to spend time with his son been more important than Gus' happiness? Had his own desire to reclaim his role as Gus' father been worth the pain he was causing his son?

Shouldn't he have been happy that Justin had given his son a good life, had provided a good home for him, full of love and happiness and shouldn't he have accepted that and found his place in it? Why had he gone and felt like he needed to restake his claim as Gus' father? Why?

The more Brian thought about that question, the less he liked the possible answers. None of them said anything good about him and his motives and all of them led back to the fact that nothing had been the way he had hoped and prayed for during all those years in Gilead.

Knowing that Gus and Justin were alive and well had kept him alive. It had kept him going even through the worst moments. The knowledge that one day he would be reunited with the two most important people of his life, the people he loved above all else had given him the strength to endure and to finally make that run for Canada. And when he had crossed the border, he had known that everything would be okay. He would be reunited with his sonny boy and his Sunshine, only that life had had different plans.

Gus was hurting and in pain and Justin pretty much hated him. No, that was definitely not what he had had in mind during all those dark, lonely moments alone in the concentration camp in Gilead. And he wondered if he would have made the run for Canada had he known how everything would turn out. Would he have tried to cross the border, knowing that it would cause his son so much pain? Maybe it would have been better for Gus if he had never shown up again. He was sure that Justin would readily agree with that point of view.

And yet, despite knowing everything that he knew now, seeing his son and Justin again had been the happiest moment of his life. To know that they had been alive, well and had created a peaceful, happy life for themselves had made him happier than he had ever thought possible. So how had things gone so wrong from that?

Because he had been an egoistical idiot. As usual. He had made it all about himself, his desires and what he wanted, not really thinking about what Gus needed.

And what was even worse than knowing that he had failed his son so bitterly, was the fact that Justin had failed him just as badly. Brian knew his own responsibility in this mess, but he still didn't feel like letting Justin off the hook completely. Justin had also been egoistical and cared more about his own feelings than Gus' which was something that was so unlike Justin. For a long time Justin had been the more paternal of the two of them. Justin had been the one who had even made Brian see that he could be a good father, that he had this ability to love in him, an ability that Brian had doubted existed in him. If it hadn't been for Justin encouraging him and supporting him in being a father to Gus, Brian would have never turned into a paternal person himself.

He had never seen himself as a father and the idea had been for him to just be a sperm donor and for Lindsay and Melanie to raise Gus. He had never been supposed to be involved, but then he had seen his sonny boy for the first time and had felt a love for him like he had never felt for anyone before. And Justin had shown him that it was okay to feel that love. Justin had shown him that it was okay to love Gus and be a father to him, Justin had always encouraged him to take a more active role in Gus' life and had helped him become a better father, leading by example and showing Brian how easy it was for him to love Gus, a child he didn't even have any biological link with. Justin had always been a part of Gus' life, had always loved him and he had always been the one who had been more natural at simply loving with all his heart. While it had been hard work for Brian to open himself up to the idea of love and being capable of loving Gus, Justin had just done it. He had just loved Gus. And Brian had never doubted that love which was why he had made the decision to send Gus off to Canada with Justin. He had known that Justin would do whatever he needed to do to make sure that Gus was alright. Only that Gus wasn't and Justin hadn't done what was needed. Brian couldn't help but wonder what had gone wrong there and in the end knew that it had been his fault.

His reappearance had shaken Justin's life and how could it not? The family Justin had built for Gus and himself had become threatened by Brian's reappearance and the more Brian thought about it, the more he understood Justin trying to protect that family and life he had built for them. Only that somewhere along the way he had also lost sight of what was most important: Gus!

Brian still stared at the glass in his hand, hanging on to his own thoughts when the doorbell to his apartment rang. It took him a few minutes to come back to reality from his thoughts, but whoever wanted to see him was insistent and just kept on ringing. He sighed as he got up, frowning when he saw that it was already past 10pm. He wasn't expecting anyone, definitely not at that time of night and wondered who it could be.

“Hold your fucking horses, I am coming,” he muttered as he made his way over to the door and pressed the button on the intercom that would connect him to whoever was standing outside his front door. “Yeah?”

“Let me in...please,” the voice just said and for a second Brian froze. He recognised the voice right away, he always would, he would always recognise it even in a sea of a million voices, but he had not expected that voice to come to his door and demand to be let in. And definitely not in that tone of voice. Justin sounded sad, tired and beyond exhausted.

For a second Brian considered ignoring the younger man and wanted to tell him to fuck off, but something in Justin's tone of voice had caught his attention and had pulled at his heartstrings and even though he knew that he would probably regret this decision later on, he couldn't not let him in. He somehow had a feeling that the younger man hadn't come looking for another fight.

Steeling himself for whatever the night would bring, Brian wordlessly pressed the button that would open the door to his building, then opened his own door and walked away, back to the sofa. He still didn't turn the light on and just flopped back onto the sofa, waiting for the younger man to make his way into his apartment.

A couple of minutes later, Brian heard how his door was quietly closed and heard slow steps making their way through his apartment.

“Brian?”

“Here,” he just answered, knowing that the sound of his voice and the lights of the city would guide Justin to the sofa.

A couple of seconds later the younger man appeared by his side, apparently unsure of what to do.

“Sit,” Brian said, pointing towards the empty space on the sofa next to him. He held out the bottle of Jim Beam that he had been drinking from earlier to Justin and the younger man took it wordlessly as he flopped down on the sofa as well.

An uncomfortable silence settled between them that neither of them seemed ready to break. Brian still stared at the glass in his hand while Justin took a healthy sip from the bottle in his hand, looking outside at the city lights.

“Nice view,” he said after a couple of minutes. “Reminds me of the loft,” he almost whispered as he still took in the lights of the city.

“Yeah, me too. It's why I chose this place,” Brian admitted, not quite sure why he was sharing that piece of information with Justin at all. It was the truth though. When he had looked at places to live, the view from this apartment had reminded him of the loft, had reminded him of better times and he just couldn't say no to that view.

“Why are you here?” Brian finally asked after several minutes when another uncomfortable silence had settled between them.

“I don't know,” Justin said quietly, taking another drink from the bottle.

When Brian just looked at him and raised an eyebrow as if to say 'Really? You can do better than that', Justin sighed.

“I guess I didn't really feel welcome at home...”

“And you thought you would be welcome here?” Brian couldn't help but ask, his voice showing some of his familiar snark.

“No,” Justin replied honestly, knowing better than to assume that Brian was happy to see him.

“Then why are you here?” Brian repeated his earlier question.

“I think I was looking for a fight,” Justin admitted, before he leaned back and rested his head on the back of the sofa.

“You don't seem to be in a fighting mood,” Brian pointed out, once again noticing how tired and exhausted the younger man sounded and looked.

“I've been driving around for hours,” the younger man said, before he sighed sadly. “Gus wouldn't talk to me. He just yelled at me that he hated me and then slammed his door in my face... Ethan won't talk to me... Everyone is acting like I am completely unreasonable and like this is all my fault.”

Brian knew that he shouldn't, but he felt a deep sense of satisfaction when he heard what Justin had to say. At least he didn't seem to be the only one that Gus was angry with. As far as he was concerned, Justin didn't deserve anything less from his sonny boy. Then his thoughts sobered and he started to feel sad about what Justin had said. All it really showed was how hurt Gus was, how much he was suffering. He knew that Gus loved them both and for him to act this way only spoke of how much his son was suffering right now.

“Don't expect me to disagree with them,” Brian muttered finally, taking a sip of his whiskey, feeling like he would need it for whatever was to come.

Justin ignored Brian's remark and just continued speaking in a sad voice. “ When Gus didn't come home from school... I was so worried. So scared that something might have happened to him. I... couldn't think clearly. If something had happened to him... it would have broken me.”

Justin took another sip from the bottle, then sighed. “After you left... when they both wouldn't talk to me...I needed an outlet, a punching bag so to speak, so I wanted to come here and wanted to give you a piece of my mind. Wanted to blame you for everything and … as I made my way over, there were some construction works going on and I had to take another route and on that route I passed the park where... where we had the memorial for you when...when we thought... you were dead...,” Justin stopped, not quite sure how to continue.

When Brian stayed quiet, allowing him to gather his thoughts, the younger man continued. “I got out and... I took a walk and... I went to the site where we... where we said goodbye to you...I hadn't been back ever since that day, but... it all came rushing back... all the memories, all the pain...”

A silent tear was now running down Justin's cheek and Brian could see it even in the darkness of his apartment. He could hear the pain in the younger man's voice and wasn't quite sure how to react to what Justin had said.

“Justin,” he started, trying to say something, not quite sure what, but Justin was already continuing with what he had to say.

“I lost you before and... now it feels like I am losing you all over again and... I am not sure I can do it again,” he whispered in a broken voice. “I don't want to lose you again...”

“I am here, right here,” Brian said quietly, not quite sure what else he could say.

“Yeah, but... we aren't,” Justin whispered, finally turning and looking at Brian from eyes so full of pain that it would have made the older man stumble if he had been standing.

“There is no we,” he replied calmly, knowing that it was the truth, no matter how painful that truth was. They were not together anymore, they weren't a unit anymore, there was no 'we' as Justin had refered to.

“What happened to us, Brian?” Justin asked, as more tears ran down his cheeks. “Whart happened to me?”

“Life,” the older man just shrugged, knowing that it was the truth. As simple as that.

Justin was quiet now, silently crying the tears he couldn't hold back.

Brian was torn between holding the younger man and comforting him and still being angry with him and couldn't really make up his mind. It wasn't his place to comfort Justin, not any longer, so he finally made the decision to stay back and let the man cry his tears in peace.

When Justin calmed down after a couple of minutes, Brian wordlessly handed him a tissue from the tissue box on the table.

“I don't want to be this person, Brian...this isn't me...”

Years ago Brian would have readily agreed with Justin, would have known what kind of person he was, but now, he wasn't so sure. Ever since that night with the nightmare Justin had turned into a person he didn't know. A person he wasn't familiar with and couldn't read like he had been able to read him before. “Then who are you?”

“If only I knew...,” Justin sighed, running his hand through his hair. “I thought I was a father to Gus... a partner to Ethan, but... I am not so sure anymore...”

“Why not?” Brian asked, though he had a feeling that he knew the answer.

“You know why not, Brian,” Justin just replied, meeting the older man's gaze head on. Justin knew that Brian had understood what he wanted to say and playing dumb didn't suit him.

“Because of me?” Brian asked, needing Justin to say what he thought the younger man was hinting at.

“You coming back into our life changed everything,” Justin whispered, before he hung his head. “It changed me...”

“I guess it would have been better for everyone if they had just gone ahead and really finished it once and for all, huh?” Brian muttered, as he took another sip from his whiskey.

Justin's head shot up and his eyes widened immediately. “What?”

“It would have saved us all a lot of pain and trouble,” Brian went on, not really paying attention to Justin's reaction and being too caught up in his own emotions.

“That's not what I meant,” the younger man immediately interjected, but Brian just ignored him.

“God knows you and Gus were better off thinking I was dead.”

“Brian?” Justin watched the older man as new tears threatened to spill from his eyes. He reached out a hand and gently rested it on the older man's shoulder. “Is that what you're thinking?”

“You had a life, you made a life for Gus...I guess you were happy before I showed up and burst that bubble. God knows, Gus can't have been more miserable than he is now...”

“Brian,” Justin started, this time more insistent to get Brian's attention. “Look at me, Brian.”

When the older man didn't react, Justin got up from his place on the sofa and knelt before Brian, forcing the older man to look right at him.

“You couldn't be more wrong... You've got it all so wrong,” he whispered as his hands clasped Brian's face. Ignoring the tears now running down his face, he wondered what he could say to make Brian understand.

In the end, he leaned in and decided to not speak at all. Brian had always believed that actions spoke louder than words, so Justin would just let his actions speak for themselves, hoping that Brian would understand.

He felt slight hesitation from Brian as his lips brushed against Brian's in the gentlest of touches, but once his tongue started begging for entrance, Brian's instincts took over and within seconds he was kissing Justin back.

The kiss stayed relatively chaste for their standards, but it still left them both breathless when they broke apart.

Justin could see the confusion in Brian's eyes and decided that maybe words would be needed to support his actions.

“You've got it all so wrong, Brian,” he started, before he took a deep breath. “When... when we thought you were dead... that was not life. We weren't living. Gus and I were merely existing, trying to go on, trying to make it through the next day. I... I felt so empty. I felt like a part of me was missing. I didn't know how to go on, I didn't know how to keep on living and … if it hadn't been for Gus, if it hadn't been for him needing me, I think... I think I might have lost myself, but he needed me and he became my sole reason for being. I existed so that he could live.”

Justin tried to get his words in order, tried to make sense of the confusion in his head. “And then I met Ethan and... I thought maybe I could have a life again, not just an existence and... I allowed myself to fall for that fantasy, but...when you came back, you changed what I thought was my plan for my life and... I don't think I really understood until I went to that park tonight, or maybe I did and just wasn't ready to accept what it meant, but I understand now and... God, I made such a mess of things, but... I didn't know what to make of all that confusion and the changes your reappearance caused... I...I know I went about it all the wrong way, but, Brian...I need you to understand: Life without you is not a life. It's merely an existence.”

Brian still felt beyond confused by what was happening and he knew that the confusion had to show on his face. “I don't understand...,” he admitted, still feeling lost for words.

“You coming back to us, you coming back to Gus and me is the best thing that has ever happened to us,” Justin said honestly, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“It caused nothing but trouble,” Brian threw in, knowing that it was the truth.

“Because I wasn't ready to see the truth for what it was and... instead of accepting what I felt from the day you came back, I was so desperate to hang on to what I thought I wanted that I messed everything up...” Justin now hung his head, letting go of Brian's face.

“What are you saying?” Brian asked looking at the man that was still kneeling in front of him.

“I think... I've finally realised who I am and who I want to be, Brian. I... for a whole year I was too fucking scared to admit to myself who I am even though deep down I had known the truth from the day you had reappeared in our life and I was so intent on keeping the status quo that I caused you and Gus so much pain, but...I finally realise who I really am.”

“And who would that be?” Brian asked, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“The man that loves you and your son with all his heart and knows that life is merely an existence if you're not in it to share it with me. I love you, Brian! I have lost you once and I know what the alternative feels like and a life with you is the only life I want. Everything else is just an existence, but only with you by my side is it a life worth living.”

As soon as Justin had finished, he gasped because Brian all but jumped up from the sofa and almost ran away from where he had been sitting seconds before.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The older man almost yelled as he turned on Justin with blazing eyes.

“Brian?” Justin frowned, not quite sure what to make of Brian's reaction.

“You have turned Gus' and my life into a living hell. And now you tell me that you love me and just weren't ready to face your feelings? You think that makes everything okay?”

“Brian...”

“No, don't Brian me... You can't do this. You can't just drop a bomb like that on me when you're the one who just hours ago threatened me with never seeing my son again. Is that your idea of love? What kind of sick joke is this?” Brian was now pacing, his whole body screaming of the stress he was feeling.

“I...I am sorry,” Justin started, but never got any further.

“Sorry? That's it? A sorry and I love you and then we're fine? Is that what you had in mind? How about a quick roll in the sack to top it off? Hmm?”

“I...I think I should leave,” Justin said, not quite sure what else to do or say. He hadn't anticipated Brian to react like this and he wasn't quite sure how to deal with it.

“And then what? Go home to my son and your partner? What about him? What about Ethan?” Brian angrily threw at Justin, for once not even bothering to use a wrong name for his partner.

Justin hung his head, burying it in the seat on the sofa where Brian had been sitting a minute ago, where they had been kissing less than five minutes ago.

“Are you going to tell him, too that you love him? And if he is in a more forgiving mood than I am, he wins and gets to keep you in his life? Is that how you think this works?”

“No, I... Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Justin angrily slammed his fist into the seat, then slowly got up.

“I get it, I messed up again. It seems to be all I am doing lately. Maybe it's all I've ever done...It doesn't change the fact though that I love you. I am sorry it took me so long to realise it and I am even more sorry about all the pain it has caused all of us, but... I thought I had a life with Ethan and then you showed up again and... you made me question everything about the life I thought I had. Yes, I was shit-scared of facing the truth and thought it was easier to lie to myself and pretend that I was happy, but... tonight, when I went to that park, I finally had to admit to myself that whatever I thought was happiness was nothing compared to how happy you make me. You are my life, Brian! I know I went about this all wrong, but it's the truth. I love you and I will always love you and I want you to know that I am damn glad that you showed up in our life again. And so is Gus. You haven't seen him in the last few years, but I have and he has been so happy ever since you came back. He loves you sooooo much. I know I can never make up for how things escalated between us, I fucking know that, but...don't tell yourself that we don't love you and aren't glad that you are still alive and here. You couldn't be more wrong.”

By now Justin was crying again, but he didn't care. He knew that he had messed up. Brian was right about that. He probably couldn't have done anything worse than just drop a bomb like that on Brian in their current situation. He knew better than to expect that Brian would trust a single word that had come out of his mouth this night. He knew he would have to prove to Brian and Gus that he really meant it and he would. He fucking would if it was the last thing he ever did.

“I love you, Brian and I will fucking prove it to you even if it's the last thing I ever do.”

With that Justin turned around and left Brian and the apartment without another look back.

Chapter 19

Brian sighed as he tried to type a reply to the email he had been staring at for the last 45 minutes. He just didn't seem able to concentrate and his mind constantly kept travelling back to the previous night and Justin in his apartment. If he was honest with himself, as much as he went over their conversation again and again, his mind mostly kept travelling back to the moment when Justin had kissed him.

He cursed himself as he once again went back to that moment, the moment those soft lips had touched his own and had begged for entrance. It hadn't been a hot and heavy kiss, definitely not, but thinking about it, still got Brian going.

Just the fact that Justin's lips on his own still made him feel like that, made Brian angry. How could it be that after everything that had happened between them in the past year a simple kiss from Justin could still make him feel like that? They had hardly talked to each other, every time they had it had ended in huge fights, lawyers and judges were involved and as far as Brian was concerned their relationship had forever changed and then Justin had kissed him like that and Brian wasn't quite sure what to make of that.

The kiss had felt good. Brian would be lying if he said it hadn't. After all it was Justin, the only man he had ever cared for, the only man he had ever loved. The man who had risked so much to be with him, had gone through so much trauma from the very beginning of their relationship and had stayed by his side until the bitter end. The man who had become a father to his son.

He had thought that he and Justin were over for good. Justin was with Ethan now, had a life and career, there was no place in his life for Brian which had become more and more clear to Brian over the course of the last year. It had become more clear with every fight they had had. He was not wanted in Justin's life and more importantly, he wasn't needed anymore.

Back in Pittsburgh Justin had been dependent on Brian to a certain degree. He had only been a student, hardly making enough money to pay for his art supplies that he needed and even less so to pay for accomodation or tuition. Brian had paid for that and had taken care of Justin while the younger man had focused on his studies. Yes, they had signed a contract and Justin had paid him back by now according to the terms of that old contract even though Brian hadn't wanted him to, but still, Brian had been needed to make sure that Justin would get his education. And then, when he had no longer been allowed to study and later to work, he had been even more dependant on Brian and his money. Just like he had needed Brian's money when he had arrived in Canada with Gus. And now all of that had changed.

Justin had a career now, maybe not the career that he had wanted and dreamed of, but a good career that made good money for him. He didn't need Brian any longer and it had become so clear over the last year that he also didn't want Brian in his life. Brian had become a nuisance in his life with Gus and Ethan and Brian had convinced himself that Justin was probably thinking every night how much easier his life would have been if Brian had never reappeared in it, only that now Justin had kissed him like that and had told him that he loved him.

Brian would be lying if he said he wasn't confused. How could Justin claim to love him when he had done everything in his power to keep Brian and Gus apart and had made both their lives a living hell? Whether intentional or not. You didn't do that to someone you loved. You didn't.

Then he thought of what he had done to Justin. He had taken him to court over custody first, he had started the legal proceedings and hadn't really given Justin much choice, had he?

Brian felt like his head was bursting from all the thoughts going around in it and he angrily slammed his hands on the keyboard in frustration when he just stared at the empty body of the email again. Why did Justin have to kiss him and tell him that he loved him? Why?

Things had been easy and clear as long as he had known that Justin hated him and wanted him out of his life. Now things were getting confusing and Brian didn't know what to make of them and most of all what his own feelings were concerning those revelations from Justin.

Assuming that Justin was honest and really still loved him, what did that mean? How could he drop something like that on Brian while he was in a relationship with someone else? What was Brian supposed to do? Just sit by and watch Justin and Ethan play happy family with his son, while knowing that Justin loved him and had kissed him? And more importantly, what about his own feelings? How did Brian feel about knowing that Justin loved him?

He had loved the younger man ever since he had known him, not that he would ever admit it to Justin, but yeah, he had fallen in love with that persistant teenager pretty early on. Long before he had admitted it to Justin for the first time. And he had loved him even more the darker things around them had gotten. And he had never loved the younger man more than when they had made their way towards Canada and had been separated that night so long ago. Brian hadn't even hesitated, had loved the younger man so much that he had gladly sacrificed his own freedom for the well-being of Justin and Gus. And all those years in Gilead, thoughts of Justin had kept him going. He had always loved the younger man, had loved him when he had woken up in Toronto and had seen him by his bedside, had loved him even after he had found out about him having moved on and having a new partner in his life. He had loved him all those years, but then things had changed and they had started to fight and during all those fights, Brian had been beyond angry and he had been sure that there was no longer any love lost between them. And now? Justin had kissed him and with that one simple kiss Brian's feelings were all over the place again.

It had been so easy to be angry with Justin and to hate him for what he had done to him and Gus, but now that Brian had to assume that Justin still loved him and meant it (and that kiss sure had seemed like he meant it!), what did that mean for his own feelings?

As much as Brian hated admitting it, hated realising the truth, he had no doubt whatsoever what the truth was though: He still loved the young man as well. He always had and he always would.

“Fuck!” Brian muttered as that realisation made it to the front of his mind. He ran a hand through his hair and felt beyond frustrated. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

He loved Justin. He always had and he always would. When it came to the blond, Brian was weak and always would be. Justin had been one of two reasons that he had stayed alive in that concentration camp. He had been one of two reasons why he had made the dangerous trek to Canada, why he had kept going even when exhaustion had claimed his body. He had done all that for Justin (and Gus of course) and he knew that he would do it again and again because he irrevocably loved him. Only where did that leave them now?

Ethan was still in the picture. They still had a custody lawsuit going on. What good would loving each other do them under the current circumstances? As far as Brian was concerned it was only complicating things and he wasn't sure if he was ready for more complications.

Deciding that he would not be able to concentrate on work any time soon, Brian made the decision to leave for the day and to go home. There was no point staying at the office and staring blankly at his screen if he wouldn't get any work done. Thankfully, nothing on his agenda was super urgent and everything could wait until the next day.

His secretary seemed surprised when Brian told her that he would be leaving and wouldn't be back for the rest of the day, but he didn't really care. It was none of her business and it was his company. Those were the spoils of being the boss, he could make his own hours.

***

“Why are you here?” Gus asked angrily, as he saw Justin leaning against his car, looking at him from sad and tired eyes. Gus had just left the school building and was crossing the parking lot on the way to the bus stop. “I don't want to talk to you.”

Justin sighed, nodding slowly. He had come to Gus' school to pick him up, hoping that he could talk to Gus.

After he had come home from Brian's place the night before, he had sat awake in his studio for the rest of the night, staring at an empty canvas, trying to make sense of his thoughts and feelings. It had been a sleepless night, an exhausting night and the exhaustion showed on his face.

He was tired, but thankfully, he had come to some decisions the night before and one of them was that he needed to make things up to Gus. It was partly his fault that the young boy was so angry and sad at the moment and Justin hated seeing him like that. Gus had been through so much in his young life and it made Justin beyond sad to know that he had caused him any more pain. He had never wanted to hurt Gus, he had only wanted the best for him and he loved him. He loved Gus like his own son, he had vowed to protect him and to always be there for him and he knew that he had failed.

And now he had to make it up to him. Somehow. Hopefully, Gus would listen.

“I know...”

“Then why are you here? I am taking the bus home,” the boy said, then walked past Justin's car and towards the bus stop for his bus home.

Justin looked after him, trying to think of what he could say to make Gus talk to him again. He had tried earlier that morning before Gus had left for school, but the boy had pretty much just given him the cold shoulder. Gus had barely spoken five words with him and had made it clear that he didn't want to talk to Justin and blamed him for the whole custody situation.

“Gus, please. Can you just give me a chance to explain?”

“I don't want to hear your explanations. I don't care,” the boy threw back over his shoulder as he continued walking away from the car and towards the bus stop.

“Will you be heading home?” Justin then asked, knowing deep down that this was not the right time and place for the conversation they needed to have, but having hoped against hope that Gus would at least give him a chance to explain.

“Where else would I go? You made sure that I can't go and see Dad,” Gus hissed, glaring at Justin when he saw that the older man was now walking next to him.

“Gus, you know that wasn't my choice. The judge made that decision,” Justin started, but stopped when Gus stopped and pointed his finger at him.

“He made that decision because you don't want me to spend time with Dad. You don't want me to see Dad because you don't want to see him. You don't love him anymore and now I am being punished for that!”

“That is not true, Gus,” Justin said quietly, trying to reason with the angry boy. “The judge's decision was made for other reasons.”

“You didn't even ask me what I wanted... neither did that stupid judge...neither did Dad! You all just care about yourselves and nobody even thought about how this would affect me... I am being punished because you and Dad can't agree who gets to spend more time with me.”

Justin could see the anger in the young boy, but even more than that, he could see the pain. He could hear it in Gus' voice and he knew that Gus' anger was just the outward sign of the pain he was feeling.

“I know it must feel that way to you, but Gus... it's not that simple,” Justin tried to say, but didn't get to go on further because Gus had now started to walk away from him once more.

“I don't care!” Gus just yelled, without turning back.

Against his better judgement, Justin followed the young boy and caught up to him. He reached out a hand and rested it on Gus' arm. “Gus, please. Can we at least talk about this? I want to hear your opinion. I want to know how you feel about this.”

“No, you don't! You didn't before and you don't now...,” Gus muttered as he tried to break away from Justin's touch.

“Gus, I know that you're angry with me and that you're also angry with your Dad, but... more than anything, I know that you're hurting. I know that you're suffering from this new situation we all find ourselves in and I want you to tell me what I can do to make this easier for you,” Justin said, trying to stay calm.

“Let me go and see Dad,” Gus said immediately, not even hesitating. “Without that stupid woman watching everything we do and say.”

“Gus, I can't. The judge,” Justin started, but didn't get any further than that before Gus exploded right in front of his eyes.

“YOU DON'T CARE! I KNEW IT! YOU DON'T FUCKING CARE!”

“Of course I care,” Justin sighed.

“Tell that to someone who cares to listen,” Gus hissed, not yelling anymore. He then ran away, leaving Justin behind to stare at the space where Gus had been standing just a few seconds before.

“Fuck!” Justin exclaimed, then ran a hand over his face in utter frustration. He stopped when he realised that Gus hadn't run towards the bus stop, but had run in another direction.

For a second he frowned, then he looked after the young boy and in the direction he had run off to.

He knew that he should leave Gus alone, should give him some time to calm down, but he was worried about him and wanted to make sure that he was okay, so he finally decided to follow in the same direction.

After a couple of minutes Justin reached the sports field and looked around. It took him a couple of seconds to find Gus' small form in one of the seats of the empty stadium.

He immediately saw how Gus' body was shaking and knew that the boy was crying. As he made his way to where Gus was sitting, his heart broke when he saw the sobs that were shaking the boy's small body.

Hesitating for only a second, Justin sat down next to Gus and immediately pulled the crying boy into his arms and held him close.

“I am so sorry, Gus... so sorry. You have no idea,” he said quietly, never letting go of the small body in his arms.

Gus didn't even struggle to get away from him and just continued crying for several minutes, allowing Justin to hold him. The older man apologised over and over, but he wasn't sure if Gus was even listening to anything he was saying.

“You know...you know how much I missed Dad... you know,” Gus said after a few minutes, his voice full of accusation.

“I do, Gus,” Justin agreed quietly. “I missed him, too.”

Gus just snorted derisively, not even bothering to answer what Justin had just said.

“I did. I missed him so much,” Justin said quietly, running a hand over Gus' arm. “And I know how much you love your Dad. I know, Gus.”

“Then why won't you let me go and see him? Spend time with him?” Gus now pulled back and glared at Justin from wet eyes. “First it was Gilead stopping me from seeing him... now it's that stupid judge and you...”

“Gus,” Justin sighed, but then didn't know how to continue. What was he supposed to say? How could he explain to Gus what didn't even make sense to himself? “I never meant for this to happen, you have to believe me.”

“Did you try to do anything to stop it from happening?” Gus asked next, still glaring at Justin, showing him how angry he was. When Justin stayed quiet and didn't reply, Gus just nodded. “Yeah, I thought so.”

“I am sorry you got pulled into this,” Justin whispered after having stayed quiet for the longest time. “I never meant for you to get hurt.”

He had thought about what Gus had said and knew that the boy was right. He hadn't really done anything to stop this from happening. He had done nothing to stop things from escalating like they had between himself and Brian, he had done nothing to protect Gus from getting hurt and he knew that he could never make up for that. It was something that would always be on him, but he could at least try to improve Gus' mental well-being now. It wouldn't make everything okay and it wouldn't make up for what had happened, but he hoped that it would at least make Gus happier than he had been in recent days.

Justin stood up and looked down at Gus. “Come on, I think I have an idea how to fix this.”

Gus frowned, clearly confused. “What?”

“I want to make this up to you, Gus. And I think I know how. Just trust me, please!”

Gus eyed Justin for the longest time, hesitating and not quite sure what to do. In the end he slowly stood up and grabbed his backpack from the seat next to him. “Okay.”

When Justin smiled at him, Gus felt even more confused, but in the end followed the older man towards his car.

They didn't talk at all until they arrived at their destination.

***

Once Brian arrived back home, he ended up in the same spot on the sofa again that he had been in last night which involuntarily led to more thoughts about him and Justin and what Justin's kiss and declaration would mean for them.

Deciding that there wasn't really much he could do about that now, knowing that really a lot also depended on Justin and what conclusions the younger man would draw from his revelations the previous night, Brian decided to turn back to the original problem at hand which was Gus' happiness. What could he do to help his son in their current situation? And the more Brian thought about that, the more he knew what he had to do. He might not like it and it might not be what he wanted, but at the end of the day this wasn't about him, but about the wellbeing of his son and it would be the right thing to do for Gus. Of that he was sure.

Just as he was thinking about how to best go about the decision he had made, his doorbell rang, surprising him once again. Just like the previous night he wasn't really expecting anyone as most people would assume that he was still at work at this time of the afternoon.

He walked over to the intercom and pressed the button. “Yeah?”

“Dad? It's me!” Gus excitedly announced and Brian couldn't help but frown when he heard his son's excited voice. What was Gus doing here? Brian thought he had been able to explain the situation to him the previous day and had hoped that these unannounced visits wouldn't happen anymore. He steeled himself for another unpleasant, painful conversation with his son as he pushed the button that would open the door for him.

“Oh Gus,” he muttered to himself as he opened the door, waiting for his son to appear.

He did a doubletake when he saw not only his son leaving the elevator, but Justin right next to him. Justin looked bashful and seemed rather unsure of himself, which was something Brian wasn't used to seeing in the young man.

Gus excitedly ran into his arms and hugged him as Justin stayed a bit back and watched father and son hug happily.

“Justin said I could spend the afternoon with you. If you have time that is. We went to your office, but they said you had gone home, so we came here,” Gus babbled in obvious excitement that made Brian smile. “Can I stay?”

“Uhm,” Brian hesitated for a second, but then saw Justin nodding at him as if to confirm that what Gus had said was correct. “Yeah, sure. Of course you can.”

Gus happily went inside Brian's apartment, leaving the two men at the door as he made his way over to the living room.

“What is this?” Brian asked as he turned to Justin, trying to keep his voice low as not to let Gus hear what he was saying.

“I thought you two would enjoy some time alone and... I have some things to take care of this afternoon, so I thought if you were free...you and Gus would like to spend the afternoon together.”

“What about the judge's order?” Brian hissed, unlike Justin not yet having forgotten about it.

Justin shrugged. “I won't tell if you don't. I think Gus really needs this,” he ended quietly, not looking at Brian, but the floor in front of him instead.

Not one to say no to spending any time with his son without the social worker present, Brian nodded. He knew that he should be more outraged about Justin just showing up at his place like that and treating him like a glorified babysitter, just allowing him to spend some time with his son because he seemed to be too busy himself, but Brian wouldn't comment on that. Not now. Not when he finally had the chance to spend some time with his son. His son who just a minute ago had seemed happier than Brian had seen him in weeks.

“Okay,” he replied, not ready to look a gift horse in the mouth. “When do you want me to take him home?”

Justin fidgeted, before he raised his gaze to meet Brian's. “I am not quite sure how long... it will take me to do... what I have to do. Maybe I can pick him up later? After dinner?”

This time it was Brian who shrugged. “Sure, whatever.”

Justin nodded, then got ready to leave. “See you later.”

“Yeah, later,” Brian replied, watching as Justin made his way over to the elevator. As the door opened and Justin stepped in, Brian called out once more. “Justin!”

The younger man turned around and looked at Brian.

“Thanks for letting Gus come here!” It was heartfelt and he really meant it and for the first time in a long time Brian saw the smile on the younger man's face that had given him his nickname. It was a big, honest smile and his voice sounded sincere when he said 'You're welcome', before he stepped on the elevator and left them alone.

Brian stared at the closed elevator door for several seconds, trying to make sense of what had just happened, but wasn't able to. In the end he decided to not waste any time on Justin when he could be spending it with his sonny boy.

***

Brian had just put away some boxes of leftover food, when the doorbell rang. “Gus, go get your things. Justin is here.”

He and Gus had spent a fun afternoon after Justin had left. Brian had helped his son with his homework before they had gone out shopping for some ingredients to try and make a pizza from scratch. The pizza had been surprisingly good as far as Brian was concerned and they had just finished dinner. It had been a good afternoon and early evening and both Brian and Gus had enjoyed spending some time on their own without supervision. Their whole interaction had been different and Gus had seemed so much more carefree compared to their most recent visits. It had been obvious how much the boy had craved some time alone with his father.

He pressed the buzzer to let Justin in, not even bothering to use the intercom, after all Justin had said that he would be back after dinner to pick up Gus, then returned to the kitchen to clean up after their dinner.

Therefore it was Gus who first saw Justin enter the apartment. “Is everything alright? Have you been crying?” The younger boy asked which made Brian frown and stop what he was doing.

He looked up from the kitchen and when his eyes settled on Justin, he knew that his son was right. The blond had definitely been crying.

“I am alright,” Justin said, his voice sounding subdued and far from his usual self. “Really, I am,” he said once more when he saw how doubtful Gus looked.

Brian slowly made his way over, looking at Justin closely, seeing the sadness in his eyes, but he thought better of it than to ask Justin about it in front of Gus. “Gus, why don't you go and turn on the TV? That show you love so much is starting soon, isn't it? There is something I need to speak to Justin about, so why don't you go and watch it while we talk?”

Gus nodded, already having complained earlier that day that he was hoping that Justin wouldn't pick him up while his favourite show was on. He didn't want to miss the newest episode and whatever his father and Justin needed to speak about meant that he could watch the episode which seemed alright to him. He just hoped that it wouldn't end in another fight and they wouldn't start yelling at each other again.

Once Gus had left and settled in front of the TV, Brian turned to Justin. His voice was quiet when he spoke. “You cried.”

“It's alright,” Justin said without conviction.

Knowing that it wasn't really his business, but not able to help himself, Brian led Justin towards the kitchen. “Cut the crap. What happened?”

“I broke up with Ethan,” Justin said without much emotion, trying to sound as nonchalant as he could.

“What? Why?” Brian asked, before he could stop himself.

The younger man sighed. “You know why.”

“Justin,” Brian started, but stopped when Justin continued to speak.

“Don't worry, Brian. I am not the teenager anymore that I used to be. I know that this doesn't change anything between us. I told you I had realised some things and I made some changes to my life accordingly. I am not expecting you to care about any of those changes though.”

Brian looked at Justin and could see how tired he looked. “I am sorry,” he said, actually meaning it. He knew that Justin and Ethan had been happy, at least they had seemed happy and he knew that Justin had loved the man.

“Don't be,” Justin muttered, before he ran a hand through his hair. “I was living a lie. My whole life was one big lie and now that I have finally accepted it and have realised what I really want from my life... it didn't seem fair to lead him on any longer. Not when I realise now that there really isn't a future for us.”

“How did he take it?” Brian didn't know why he was asking that, not that it really mattered or that he cared all that much about the other man, yet he thought he had to ask and it definitely felt safer than asking Justin what he wanted from his future. Brian wasn't sure he was ready for that conversation again.

“As is to be expected. He wasn't happy, though he seemed less surprised than I would have expected him to be. Apparently he had been waiting for me to come to this realisation for quite some time.”

“He knew that you love me?” Brian asked, confusion written all over his face.

“Apparently, yeah. Seems like I am an open book to those that know me. He said he had known from the day that you had been back and had just been waiting for me to prove him wrong or to finally realise it myself.”

“So why did he stay if he has known all this time?”

Justin shrugged. “I think he was hoping to be proven wrong by me. That I loved him more than he thought I did.”

“And now?” Brian asked and Justin knew what he was refering to. The house, Gus.

“He is staying with a friend for a couple of days. The Symphony will go on tour then for a couple of weeks and when he comes back from that tour, he will look for a new place to stay. I will tell Gus later tonight. He has a right to know the truth. And Ethan would like to stay a part of his life.”

Brian nodded, not really surprised by that. He had seen over the last year how close his son and the other man were and how much the man cared about Gus. Many times when he and Justin had been fighting, Ethan had tried to be the voice of reason and had tried to mediate between them.

Which brought Brian back to the topic he had really wanted to talk to Justin about. Whatever had happened between Justin and Ethan was between them and like Justin had said, it didn't really change anything between them. Not yet. It was too early for that. Right now all Brian cared about was Gus' wellbeing.

“Speaking of Gus,” Brian started, then took a deep breath. “Is your offer still on the table?”

Justin frowned, making it clear that he wasn't quite sure what Brian was speaking about. “What offer?”

“The custody deal that your lawyer offered. Is it still on the table?”

“The one you rejected?” Justin asked, wanting to make sure that they were speaking about the same deal. Not that there was any other deal that had been offered from Justin's side really.

Brian just nodded in reply.

“I guess so, why?”

“I will take it,” Brian just said, his voice void of any emotion.

Justin did a double-take at that. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“Yeah, I did, but I can't believe it. Not after everything...”

“Don't get too excited. It's still a shitty deal and I couldn't disagree more,” Brian muttered.

“Then why take it?” Justin asked in confusion.

“It's best for Gus. I don't want him to suffer any longer. If this is the only way to get to see him without supervision, fine, you have won.”

“Brian,” Justin started, but didn't get any further than that.

“I am doing this for Gus, doing what is best for him and will make him stop suffering. Don't ever think it has anything to do with me agreeing with you.”

Justin nodded, realising that there wasn't much he could say to Brian right now. It was clear that nothing he would say would matter to Brian right now, so he just decided to stay quiet.

An uncomfortable silence settled between them which was interrupted by Gus who stuck his head into the kitchen.

“Are we going home now? The show is over,” he announced, his backpack in hand, seemingly ready to go.

“Yeah, we are,” Justin said, before leaving the kitchen and heading for the door. “Say good night to your dad. I'll wait in the hallway.”

Gus happily made his way over to his father and hugged him tight. “I love you, Dad. Today was fun!”

“Yeah, it was,” Brian agreed, holding his son close. “You be a good boy, okay? And if you need me, you call me, alright?”

Brian thought it important to remind his son that he would always be there for him and would always be available, even if they might not be able to see each other. Especially in light of the news he would be getting later that evening. Brian was pretty sure that Gus would be upset, after all Ethan had been an important part of his life and had been a person he had connected with. Brian just wanted his son to know that he would only be a phone call away, no matter what.

He watched after Gus and Justin as they left, hoping that he had done the right thing and that Gus would be alright at the end of all of this. That was the most important thing to him: his son's wellbeing.

Chapter 20

The next day Brian was back at the office and thankfully got more work done than the previous day. He was able to focus more and personally thought that was due to him finally having done what was best for Gus.

He was still confused about Justin's confession and the kiss and even more so about Justin breaking up with Ethan. Brian had thought about that for a long time the night before and wasn't quite sure if the younger man had really thought all of it through or had maybe made a rush decision. In any case it was none of Brian's business and it didn't really change anything about their current situation. Things were a mess between them and that wouldn't change anytime soon.

They were still disagreeing about Gus, but Brian had been willing to make the sacrifice and agree to Justin's custody deal for the wellbeing of his son. His lawyer had been surprised to say the least when Brian had called him earlier that morning and had informed him of his decision, he had even advised Brian against taking the deal and had advised him to just go ahead with the judge's order and that Gus' statement would help them in the end because Gus would make it clear that he wanted to spend time with his father, but Brian had just told him to take the deal and that was his final decision.

He didn't really care about any possible chance of maybe winning this whole custody trial. The longer it lasted, the more Gus would suffer and the longer they would be forced to only see each other with a social worker present. At least this way they could go back to their old arrangement soon which in the end would be the best for Gus. They had been happy enough for a year now with that arrangement and Brian would just have to make his peace with the knowledge that overnight stays were out of the question. And who knew? Maybe Justin would give in one day. Stranger things had happened.

When his cell rang, Brian frowned when he saw that it was his lawyer's number. He hoped the man wouldn't try again to get him to change his mind. He had made a decision for Gus' sake and he would stick with it now. Whether his lawyer liked it or not.

“Kinney,” Brian answered the call, making it obvious that he wasn't too happy to be talking to the man again.

“Mr Kinney, would you have a minute? There have been some news concerning your custody case.”

“What news?” Brian asked, thereby indicating that he was listening and had time to speak to him.

“I was contacted by Mr Taylor's lawyer after I had informed him that you would accept their offered custody deal.”

Brian sighed, a painful feeling settling in his stomach. “It's not on the table anymore?” He would wring Justin's neck if that was the case. Here he was making sacrifices for Gus' wellbeing and it still wasn't enough for Justin?

“Oh no, it is,” his lawyer immediately informed him. “They have actually offered a new, improved deal in reaction to our agreement to the original deal.”

“An improved deal?” Brian frowned, honestly surprised by that. “What has changed?”

“I have just emailed you a copy of the agreement, but basically Mr Taylor is offering joint custody with equal time to be spent with Gus as per an agreement that is to be worked out between you and him based on working hours and free time.”

“Joint custody?” Brian confirmed, not having expected that.

“Yes, basically, though there is one stipulation that Mr Taylor has insisted on,” his lawyer said slowly, making it obvious that there was more to it than he had said so far.

“What stipulation?” Brian asked, once again feeling that painful feeling in his stomach. He had a feeling that he knew what this was about.

“The overnight stays. He insists that they can only take place at his place with him being present.”

“Excuse me?”

“Apparently he still doesn't feel comfortable letting you spend nights with Gus on your own, but he doesn't want to be in the way of you spending more time with your son, so he has agreed to overnight visits at his place with him present to make sure that Gus will be alright.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Unfortunately not,” his lawyer sighed, noting that his client wasn't happy with that stipulation. “Other than that, it's a pretty good deal and way better than the previous one.”

Brian thought about what his lawyer had said and knew that the man was right. Joint custody and being allowed to spend equal time with Gus was way better than the previous deal. And even the prospect of overnight visits with Gus was better than it had been before. But at Justin's place? With him present? He couldn't be for fucking real, could he?

“I have also been made aware that Mr Hunt will be moving out of the family home,” the lawyer continued, not sure if Brian had already heard.

“Yeah, I was made aware of that,” Brian answered, before taking a breath. He thought back to the previous night when Gus had called him in tears, telling him that Ethan had moved out.

Gus had been heartbroken and that in return had broken Brian's heart. He had known that Ethan had been an important part of Gus' life in recent years, that he had become a fixture and now that he was moving out, Gus was afraid of losing another person he had been close with, just like he had lost his mothers, had lost Brian for so long and had lost so many friends and other family members.

It had taken Brian some time to get Gus to calm down and once he had, Brian had mentioned what Justin had told him earlier, that Ethan wanted to stay in contact with Gus, wanted to stay in his life.

Gus had been told the same by Justin and had even spoken to Ethan on the phone, who had told him the same himself, but it had only been a small comfort to the sad boy.

Brian knew that it was more important than ever for him to be there for Gus now. With that thought in mind, he forced himself to concentrate back on the issue at hand and to listen to what his lawyer was saying.

“Mr Kinney, I would advise you to read through the agreement. If you are insistent that you want to take their deal, I would advise you to consider this new deal. It is more generous than the previous one, even despite the stipulation.”

“Thanks, I will consider it. I will get back to you once I've made a decision,” Brian said, before he finished the call.

He then went to check his email and indeed found the email from his lawyer. When he opened the attachment and read through it, he realised that it was indeed a much better deal than the one previously offered. More time with Gus, most importantly time on their own without supervision and even more importantly, with them having joint custody, he would be involved in any decisions concerning Gus. Justin would not be the only one able to make decisions for Gus, but would now have to consult with Brian and Brian would now have a right to a say in any matter concerning Gus as well. That actually was a huge concession compared to the previous deal and Brian couldn't help but wonder why Justin had been willing to make that concession, but still hadn't moved on the overnight stays.

Knowing that he wouldn't find any answers in the document, Brian closed it and went back to work. He knew that there was only one way to get the answers he was looking for, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to go down that road.

Hours later, he had made a decision and he was ready for that conversation. He rang Justin's cell, knowing that by now Gus should be in bed. He hoped that Justin would be free to take his call.

“Brian?”

Brian could hear the hesitation in the younger man's voice when he answered the phone. Brian wasn't sure if it came from not wanting to take the call or just because he wasn't sure what this call was about. Or maybe he knew what it was about and wasn't quite sure how it would end. Not wanting to dwell on that for too long, Brian went right in.

“Why?”

“Why what?” Justin sighed, hating when Brian just asked one word questions out of the blue without any context.

“Why the new deal?”

Brian could hear some movement on the other side before Justin answered. “Despite what you might think of me, I want what is best for Gus as well. I never meant for things to end the way they did. This is my way of trying to make things right for him.”

“Why now and not before?”

Justin was silent for the longest time, before he spoke, his voice quiet and hardly above a whisper. “I don't think I was ready before.”

“Bullshit.”

“That's your opinion and you are entitled to it, but... I really think I wasn't. I reacted badly, I know that now, but I felt threatened. I felt threatened by your custody suit and I lashed out. You were right, when you took Gus home: I love him. And I did take a good look at him and I could see how unhappy he was. I don't want him to be unhappy. I never wanted that for him. All I ever did was to try to give him a good life. I never set out to hurt him and you were right, I was.”

“I didn't threaten you or your role in Gus' life,” Brian just replied, knowing that it was the truth.

“But that's what it felt like to me. Here I had spent years trying to make sure that Gus was as happy and well as he could be and then... you show up and... you're in his life again and you go and sue me for custody and to me it felt like you were basically saying I had done a bad job and didn't deserve to be his father any longer. That you would take over because you knew better than me what he needed. I felt threatened in my role in his life and maybe that was childish, but... it is what it felt like to me,” Justin admitted.

“I know you gave him the best life anyone could have wished for,” Brian said quietly, his voice honest and sincere. “I always knew you would love him and take care of him. It's why I didn't hesitate for a second when I had to make that decision...This was never about you, Justin.”

“But that's what it felt like to me, like you were saying: Well, you tried and you did a bad job, now let me take over. I felt like you were criticising me and the decisions I had made.”

“I just wanted to spend more time with my son.”

“By taking away from my time with him,” Justin pointed out and Brian knew that he was right. Him spending more time with Gus would automatically mean that Justin got to spend less time with him. “I love him, Brian. I wasn't ready to give up any time with him.”

“And you are now?”

Justin chuckled humourlessly. “No, I am not,” he admitted. “But I can be honest enough with myself to admit that Gus wants to spend time with you, wants to be with you and as the last few weeks have shown, also needs to spend time with you. And really, after everything... it's not surprising. I just want him to be happy and if being with you makes him happy, then I am willing to make that possible.”

“But you're still against the overnight visits,” Brian pointed out, not able to hide the venom from his voice.

Justin sighed and Brian knew him well enough to know that he was probably rolling his eyes at Brian's tone of voice. “Yes and I will not move on that. Not until you can prove to me that your nightmares won't be a danger to Gus anymore.”

“They never were,” Brian nearly spat, making it clear what he thought of Justin's point of view. “You're overreacting.”

“Then prove me wrong,” Justin just said, his voice now sounding tired. “You are more than welcome to come and spend the weekend here if you like, so you can spend more time with Gus.”

“How convenient...”

“In what way?” Justin frowned, not quite sure he understood what Brian meant.

“You say you love me, you break up with that little boyfriend of yours and now you want me to spend the weekend at your place. Are you sure this is really about Gus and not about you trying to get into my pants?”

“It has nothing to do with you.” The answer had been prompt and sincere. “Yes, I love you and yes, I...,” Justin stopped, not quite sure if he should continue or not, in the end deciding that there was nothing that spoke against telling Brian the truth. “I hope that one day...one day things will be different, but this is about Gus and his wellbeing. I am trying to look out for him and do what is right for him.”

“Because you don't trust me,” Brian angrily shot back.

“I trust you, but I don't trust your subconscious. I know that you would never hurt Gus willingly, but I have been there, Brian. Hell, you know better than anyone because you were right there with me. You know how many fucking bruises I gave you when I had my nightmares and was trying to fight you off. Do you think I meant to hurt you like that? That I wanted to?”

“That was different.”

“No, I don't think it was...,” Justin said flatly. “But until you're ready to see that and do something about it... this is the only deal you will get. Take it or leave it.”

With that Justin hung up and effectively ended their conversation, leaving Brian fuming. How dare he just hang up?

Despite being angry at Justin for just hanging up on him like that, Brian knew that looking at all his options, taking the new deal was by far the best option for Gus. So what if he thought that Justin had ulterior motives? It wasn't like Justin would get anywhere without Brian wanting him to. And right now, Brian still felt way too angry to even consider letting Justin get anywhere. Loving him, my ass! If Justin really loved him, he wouldn't insist on his stupid overnight stay rule.

Two days later their lawyers had worked out all the legal intricacies of the agreement and they had presented it to the judge. Always happy if parents and / or guardians were able to work things out between themselves, the judge agreed to the new terms and Brian and Gus were finally allowed to meet without supervision again.

Justin came by Brian's office and together they tried to work out a temporary schedule between the two of them that would give them both equal time with Gus. As both Brian and Justin were working and had meetings they needed to attend, they tried to make sure that they kept to a certain schedule, making it possible to plan meetings accordingly.

Gus would now (apart from school and meeting friends of course) be spending one day at home with Justin, then the next with Brian. Brian would take him back home to Justin's after dinner, but would be able to spend the rest of the day with his son. As far as weekends were concerned, they went back to the schedule they had pretty much followed for the previous year which had Brian spent any day with Gus that he had a soccer game. Yes, Justin would attend the games and cheer Gus on, but at the end of the day, Brian was really the soccer nerd and he would coach and prepare Gus for his games and together they would talk about certain moments in a game for hours afterwards.

The new schedule wasn't perfect, but it seemed to work for them and Gus and they all settled into a kind of new routine quickly. The only thing they hadn't agreed on yet, was a first overnight stay. So far neither Brian nor Justin had brought up the possibility and as Gus wasn't aware of all the details of the legal custody agreement, neither pointed out to him that overnight stays would be an option. Whenever they would be ready to cross that bridge, they would get it organised, but so far, neither of them seemed ready yet, at least Brian didn't.

As far as their friends were concerned, they were none the wiser. Yes, they knew that Justin and Ethan had broken up and Brian was pretty sure that at least Daphne knew the real reason why, they also knew that Brian and Justin had reached a custody agreement, but neither he nor Justin had disclosed the details of that agreement to anyone. No one needed to know and thankfully, Justin had respected his privacy enough not to tell anyone about that episode with the nightmare.

Yes, their friends had known about the tension between them and the custody trial, but apart from themselves and Ethan, they hadn't really gone into detail what they were disagreeing about and hadn't really shared that information with anyone. It was between them and for them to figure out and as far as their friends were concerned, they had now figured it out, much to everyone's relief.

And the most relieved of all had been Gus. The boy had flourished now that he had been allowed to see his father again unsupervised and had been reassured that Ethan would only be a phone call away and would still see him whenever Gus wanted to. He had clearly been a lot happier than in recent months. He had also stopped being an ass to Justin and had started to forgive him for – at least in his mind - being the reason that had kept him and his father apart. They had worked things out and had improved their relationship, not the least because Brian had pointed out to Gus that Justin had only wanted the best for him and had tried to love him in the best way he had known.

Things were definitely looking up for everyone in the weeks after the new custody agreement had been reached.

Chapter 21

“So, are you ready for the big night, big bad?” Emmett chuckled as he winked at Brian.

“Big night?” Brian frowned, not sure why the old queen would refer to it as big night.

“A little birdie told me that you'll be spending the night at Casa Taylor on Gus' birthday. Hmmmmm,” Emmett looked excited and if Brian didn't know him better, he would have said the other man was ready to clap his hands in glee.

“It's just to help keep an eye on the horde of hormonal teenagers that will be staying the night. Get your mind out of the gutter,” Brian warned, throwing his friend a glare for good measure.

And it was true. Gus' birthday was coming up and he had asked to have some friends come over and spend the night on his birthday. Justin had agreed, but had asked Brian for his help. Gus was turning 14, some of his friends were already 14 and before it had always been Justin and Ethan to keep an eye on all the boys. Justin just wasn't sure that he wanted to take on that much responsibility on his own, or so he had told Brian, when he had asked him for his help.

As Gus' father, Brian had of course agreed. He might have his doubts about spending the night at Justin's house, but this was his son's birthday party, these were his son's friends and the least he could do to help was spend the night and help keep an eye on all those boys and make sure things wouldn't get too wild. Though Brian really doubted that with a bunch of 13 and 14 year olds. What did they know about wild nights? Then Brian remembered that Justin had only been 17 when they had first met and had shuddered. He didn't want to think about Gus getting very close to the same age Justin had been when they had first met, maybe doing the same things Justin had done.

“Pah, you're a spoilsport,” Emmett complained as he took a sip of the fruity, colourful cocktail in front of him. “Mighty God Kinney and his twink finally reunited under the same roof for one night only. Don't spoil all the fun for me.”

“Well, at least one of us will have fun,” Brian muttered as he took a sip of his beer. He had met with Emmett at a bar earlier to go over some ideas for Gus' birthday as Emmett had kindly offered to prepare the food and some decorations. Free of charge of course.

“You're not looking forward to it?” Emmett frowned, looking at Brian as if he had grown a second head.

“To watch a horde of smelly, misbehaving teenagers? I couldn't imagine a better way to spend a Saturday night,” Brian snarked in reply, before he sighed. “No, I mean, it's Gus birthday and this is how he wants to celebrate it, so I guess it's the least I can do to give him a great day.”

Emmett nodded. “But?” Because he had clearly heard a but in there.

“But I am not sure Justin sees it the same way.”

“Because he has feelings for you and now that Ethan is history is free to act on them?” Emmett filled in when Brian didn't continue.

Brian's eyes widened slightly and showed a certain surprise when he met Emmett's gaze. “You know?”

“Jeez, who doesn't?” The queen waved his hands around in the air. “One look at him and everyone can see where his heart is at these days. He's like an open book when it comes to you.”

“Great...,” Brian muttered, before he got up and ordered a second round of drinks for them. When he made his way back to the table he handed Emmett another cocktail.

Emmett nodded in thanks and took a sip from his drink. “The question is, what about your heart?”

Brian just snorted in reaction which didn't put Emmett off at all.

“Yeah, despite what you might say or pretend, I know you well enough to know that it isn't just a big,cold rock of stone, but actually a beating heart that has very strong feelings for a certain blond.”

“That was a long time ago,” Brian said quietly, before he took a long sip of beer from his bottle.

“Really? Because to me it looks like he's still more than interested. He has broken up with Ethan for Christ's sake, is raising your son... That man is just waiting for you to open the door again. You must see the way he looks at you.”

And Brian had seen it. He knew that Justin had feelings for him. Not just because of what Justin had told him and because of that kiss they had shared so many weeks ago in his living room, but also because of how the younger man was looking at him nowadays. Brian had noticed the longing in Justin's eyes, the gazes that settled on him just a tad bit too long, the way Justin pretended not to watch him while clearly watching him. He'd have to be a fool not to notice. And Brian Kinney was a lot of things, but a fool was not one of them.

Brian shrugged, not willing to admit to Emmett that he was well aware of Justin's feelings for him.

“So the question remains, what is stopping you?”

“Stopping me?”

“Well, if it was the love of my life hinting that strongly that they want us to get back together, I wouldn't waste a goddamn second. Not after everything the two of you have already been through.”

“It's not that easy,” Brian sighed, taking another sip of his beer. If only it was.

“Why not? He loves you, you love him, you're finally reunited and both free to start your relationship again. What speaks against it?”

“Things changed,” Brian just muttered and Emmett didn't fail to notice that Brian never denied that he loved Justin or how he had never spoken up about Emmett calling Justin the love of his life. As far as Emmett was concerned, Brian was still as much in love with Justin as Justin was in love with the older man. Only that for some reason Brian didn't seem willing to show that love or give it another try like Justin was.

“We changed,” he went on after a couple of seconds of silence.

“Everyone changes. That's life. The beauty of it is to find our way through it and to find the person that will be at our side while we change and that will still love us, even if we change. The one person that will love us no matter what.”

“Too much has happened,” Brian sighed. “We have different lives now.”

“Well, from what I can see, Justin seems willing to open his life for you again and to let you be a part of his life again.”

“And then what? We just forget everything that has happened in the last year and a half and pretend that everything is fine between us?”

Emmett raised an eyebrow. “The custody case?”

“It was his fault that Gus had to go through that. Do you just want me to forget about what he put my son through? Just forget about what he put me through?” Brian spat, now emptying his second bottle of beer.

“That's in the past, honey. The two of you worked through it, agreed on a deal and made it work. Gus is happy. Do you really want to say no to a future full of happiness because of a mistake that was made in the past? And I might not know the details, but there were two parties involved in that case,” the tall queen carefully pointed out.

Emmett had never known all the details about the custody trial, but he knew that Brian blamed Justin for his part in it, whatever part that might have been. And while the older man might be right to do so, Emmett also knew that something must have made Justin react like that and he knew Brian better than to think that the man had been completely innocent. He knew both Brian and Justin well enough to know that while they could bring out the best in each other they could also bring out the worst in each other just as easily. They were both highly competitive, none of them liked losing on any level and he had no doubt that they had probably pushed each other that far and had both played their parts in what had happened.

And more importantly, he knew that the custody trial was in the past. They had come to an agreement, had made the custody situation work between them and as far as Emmett had seen and had heard from Daphne as well, things between Brian and Justin had slowly moved to a level where they seemed at least able to talk to each other without it turning into big fights.

He could see the way Justin looked at Brian, the longing in the younger man, but more importantly, he had a feeling that Brian still loved Justin as well. Only that something was holding him back. Emmett hoped that whatever it was, his friends would be able to work through it and find their way back to each other.

When Brian stayed silent and didn't reply, Emmett took his friend's hand and squeezed it. “Don't hold on to the past and forget the present and your future over it. You deserve happiness, too, Brian. Probably more so than any of us.”

***

“Thanks for staying and helping with them,” Justin said as he nodded towards the living room where Gus and his friends could be heard enjoying themselves.

Brian shrugged as if it was nothing. “It's sonny boy's birthday. The least I could do was help.”

Justin just nodded, then turned off the light in the kitchen. “Well, I'll turn in now. Hopefully we'll all be able to get some sleep tonight.”

Brian nodded, then followed Justin up the stairs. They had said goodnight to Gus before, without any of his friends present. At 14 years old it just wasn't cool to have your parents come in and say goodnight. Gus and his friends knew where to find soda and juice as well as some snacks and had all prepared sleeping quarters in the living room where the boys were now gathered around the large TV watching some horror movie or other.

“See you tomorrow morning when it's time to feed the hungry beasts,” Brian said, before he went into the guestroom that Justin had prepared for him.

“Brian,” Justin started which made Brian turn around and look at the younger man.

Brian could see that Justin seemed to be struggling to say something and he wasn't quite sure if he was ready to find out what it was. Now was certainly not the right place or time for any new declarations of love and Justin certainly looked like he was ready to get into another one. Thankfully he didn't though as he slowly shook his head, then spoke in a quiet voice.

“See you tomorrow.”

Brian nodded, then closed the door behind himself, knowing very well that this wasn't what Justin had originally wanted to say.

As he undressed, he tried not to think too much about what Justin probably had wanted to say and grabbed a quick shower to cool his mind off. He really wasn't ready for any other declarations of love, mostly because he wasn't ready to look at his own feelings when it came to Justin.

The conversation with Emmett a couple of days ago had brought some unwanted thoughts to his own mind and he wasn't sure he was really ready to deal with them.

Emmett had looked right through him and had correctly pointed out that Brian still loved Justin. And he did. How could he not? He had always loved him and would always love him. Hell, he had given up his own life to ensure that Justin and Gus would have one. You wouldn't do that for someone if you didn't love them. And a love like that didn't just die and end. Of course he still loved Justin. He loved him more than anything and yes, if he was honest enough with himself for just a couple of seconds, he also knew that he wanted Justin. More than anything. He was still attracted to the younger man and still wanted that body close to his.

Yes, he was still angry with Justin for the pain he had caused him and Gus over the last year, the way he had acted during their custody trial and everything that had led to it. That anger still boiled inside him and came to the surface every time he saw Justin, but at the same time, Brian knew that it was probably something he could move past.

Emmett was right, that had been the past. They had left the custody trial behind and even though they still didn't completely agree, they had found a level that they could communicate on and tried to raise Gus together in the best way possible.

Brian knew that if he really wanted to, they could work through that and more importantly he could work through that. Right now hiding behind that anger just felt easier and more comfortable because it meant that he didn't have to look too closely at the feelings he still had for Justin. And he knew that he still had feelings for him and loved him.

None of that had changed, but as he had told Emmett, they had. Too much had happened to them to just jump back into what their relationship had been like before. They had changed. Justin had grown up to be his own man, had built a life and Brian hadn't been part of that at all. Ethan had been. Who was now gone, but still. Whatever relationship they would have wouldn't be anything like what they had been like before. They had changed and so had their dynamic. Justin had a career now, he wasn't dependant on Brian and his money any longer. And more than anything, Brian knew that he had changed. He wasn't the same man anymore that he had been that night on the cliffs. Everything that had happened to him afterwards. The years in Gilead, the torture, the uncertainty of ever seeing Justin and his son again, all of that had changed him. And that was really where the crux of the problem lay for Brian: What if Justin didn't love this new, changed Brian but only hung on to the old Brian that he had known years ago? Was Justin ready for the Brian that had been on his own in Gilead concentration camp for five years? Brian doubted it which had been one of the reasons why he had tried to keep his distance from Justin as much as he could under the circumstances of them raising his son together.

He wasn't sure if he was ready to see the moment in Justin's eyes when the younger man realised that Brian had changed too much and wasn't someone he could love any longer. He wasn't sure if he was strong enough to see the love die in the younger man's eyes. At least this way, he knew that the love was there and would always be, even if he couldn't allow himself to enjoy that love. At least this way he could pretend that they would have made it. Somehow.

That was better than one day realising for sure that they were over. Brian knew he wouldn't be able to deal with pain like that. Not on top of everything else.

With that thought in mind, the older man was surprised when sleep came quite easily and he drifted off way sooner than he had expected.  

Chapter 22

“Brian? Brian? Wake up... shhhhh, it's me... Justin... wake up... it's just a nightmare...”

Brian tried to open his eyes, but couldn't. They felt like dead weights and just wouldn't follow his command to open. He felt himself twist and turn in the bed and for a second wondered why he would be twisting and turning to begin with. Not able to find an explanation, he frowned some more when he heard that voice speak to him again.

“Shhhh, it's okay, Brian... come back... wake up... it's alright... you're safe... I am here... It's me, Justin.”

Justin? Why was Justin in his bedroom? That didn't make sense. Brian forced himself even more to wake up and felt relieved when his eyes finally followed his command and slowly opened. He frowned when he didn't recognise his surroundings and looked around frantically, until his eyes settled on blue eyes that looked down on him in concern from the side of the bed.

“Hey, there you are... it's alright. Everything is okay... I am here,” Justin said again and again, trying to smile as encouragingly as he could. “I am here...”

Brian settled on Justin's eyes and focused on what the younger man was saying. He might not be able to make sense of a lot of things, but at least he could always make sense of Justin.

“Where...am...I?”

“You're in my house. The guestroom. It's Gus' birthday, remember? You stayed over to help with the party,” Justin explained calmly, now slowly coming closer and handing Brian a glass of water he had gotten from the night table. “Here, drink this. Your throat must hurt.”

Brian slowly sat up and took the glass from Justin. He was right, his throat was hurting, though Brian didn't really know why it would. He had felt just fine when he had gone to bed. He took some sips before he handed the glass back to Justin. “Thanks.”

The younger man nodded, then put the glass back on the night table. “Are you okay? You gave me quite a fright.”

Brian frowned, still feeling confused and disoriented. What was Justin talking about? The confusion must have shown on his face because Justin went on speaking.

“You had a nightmare, Brian. You were twisting and turning and screaming...”

Brian frowned some more, not able to remember anything of what Justin had just said. A nightmare? Why couldn't he remember that? Usually he remembered his nightmares in great detail, so they could haunt him even after he had woken up, but now he had no recollection at all. Just that familiar sense of confusion and a sore throat.

“The boys?” Brian asked after a couple of seconds of trying to make sense of what Justin was saying. It was Gus' birthday and he had some friends over for a sleepover. If he had really been screaming like Justin had said, what if the boys had noticed?

“Don't worry, they are still watching that horror movie downstairs at top volume. They probably wouldn't even hear the house breaking down over all that noise,” Justin explained and now that Brian tried to focus on it, he could actually hear the sound of a TV and laughter coming from downstairs.

Brian nodded, then threw back the covers and sat on the side of the bed, taking some deep breaths, trying to calm himself down.

“You okay?” Justin asked carefully, before he sat down as well, making sure to leave quite some space between himself and Brian. He knew from his own experience that it was too early for touches or close contact. Especially between the two of them.

“Yeah,” Brian said slowly, before he hung his head in his hands. “Fuck...,” he whispered after some seconds making Justin look at him sadly.

“It's okay,” Justin started, but stopped when Brian turned to him and glared at him.

“Okay, my ass. You're probably already getting that lawyer of yours ready for another round because I had another nightmare.”

“Brian,” Justin started, but was interrupted by the older man right away.

“You were probably just waiting for this to happen. Are you happy now?” Brian's voice grew more and more agitated as he spoke. “Are you happy now?”

Justin shook his head. “No...”

“Whatever...” Brian got up from the bed and went to grab the pair of jeans he had worn earlier.

“What are you doing?” Justin asked, watching Brian in confusion.

“I am leaving. That way you won't have to throw me out and tell me to my face what a danger I am to my own son,” Brian spat as he angrily put on the jeans.

“Don't,” Justin said silently, but Brian hadn't heard him, too caught up in his own anger. As the older man grabbed the shirt he had been wearing earlier, Justin made his way over and stilled Brian's movements with his own hands. “Stop!”

“Why? To give you the pleasure of ripping me a new one? Don't worry, I still know the drill from last time.”

“Stay,” Justin whispered, looking up at Brian's stormy hazel eyes from sad blue ones. “Please.”

“Why?” Brian asked, not quite sure that he wanted to know the answer. He was sure it would be some new plan of Justin's to punish him for this nightmare. Justin's reply therefore caught him by surprise.

“Because I want to make you feel better,” the younger man whispered, before closing the distance between them and starting to kiss Brian's mouth.

At first Brian was unresponsive and ready to bolt, but the longer Justin kissed him, the weaker his resolve grew. He had always been powerless when it came to Justin and this time was no exception. Knowing that once again his body was making the decisions for him, not his head, he finally gave in and kissed Justin back.

Their kiss quickly intensified and they both started moaning into the kiss.

“Let me make you feel better, please,” Justin whispered into the kiss, never breaking his contact with Brian's mouth.

As much as Brian had wanted to run earlier, as much as his head still told him to get out of there and run, his body was powerless and just kissed Justin back, that way giving the younger man the answer that he had waited for.

Justin started running his hands over Brian's chest, playfully teasing his nipples as he made his way down. He smiled into the kiss when he felt Brian's hands travel down his backside and settle on his ass. Brian had always loved his ass. It seemed like that much hadn't changed.

When they broke apart breathlessly, their gazes met.

“Don't think. Just feel,” Justin said, still running his hands over Brian's chest. He could feel a slight hesitation in the older man, but smiled when after several seconds Brian nodded.

Justin then closed the distance again and their mouths started a new kiss right away. While they were kissing Brian's hands slipped inside Justin's briefs and now squeezed the round globes of his ass which made Justin gasp into the kiss. “Yeah...more...”

Trying not to get lost in the feeling of Brian's hands on his ass, Justin tried to focus on his own hands and led them down to the older man's jeans. He slowly unbuttoned them, then started pushing them down.

When Brian froze, Justin wondered if he had gone too far and had been too bold. “Just want to make you feel good,” he whispered, never breaking the kiss between them. “You deserve to feel good.”

After the longest five seconds of his life, Brian finally responded again and started kissing him back again.

Justin took that as the okay to go on and pushed down the jeans further. He helped Brian to step out of them, then guided the taller man to the bed, carefully pushing him down onto it.

When Brian lay on the bed, Justin carefully lay down next to him, still kissing him, still touching him.

“I love you,” he whispered as he broke the kiss, looking at Brian from shining, lust-filled eyes.

Justin could see the war that was raging in Brian's head, could see it in his eyes and gently ran his hands through the auburn hair of the man he loved so much. “Let's not think tonight. Let's just enjoy this. Please.”

He knew that he was begging, but he didn't care. He wanted this. He had wanted it for almost seven years now. And damn if he would allow Brian's head to stop them from doing this. For once in his life he hoped that Brian would just follow his feelings instead of his mind.

“Please,” he whispered again and he nearly cried in relief when he saw the moment that Brian had made the decision to go on. He saw him nod in agreement and gave the man his best sunshine smile before he leaned in once again to close the distance between them in another passionate kiss.

This time Justin knew that they would go through with what they had started because he knew that Brian was now acting on feelings alone and had turned off his thoughts. He felt it in the way his hands went all over Justin's backside, settled on his ass once more and then pulled down his boxers.

They both knew this dance so well, it was as familiar to them as getting dressed in the morning and they both knew each step by heart. Now their bodies had taken over control of the situation, tuning out their minds for the moment.

Justin gasped when he felt one of Brian's fingers start exploring his hole and he was ready to cry in ecstasy when Brian started preparing him for what he had longed for for years. This was it. It was finally going to happen and Justin felt like crying from the happiness of it all. Instead he focused on making this as good for Brian as he could, because he had meant what he had said earlier. He wanted to make Brian feel better. He wanted to make him feel good. If anyone deserved to feel good, it was Brian.

He ran his own hands over Brian's chest, gently caressing his nipples as their kiss never broke. After several minutes of making Brian gasp he finally let go off the nipples and moved his hands all over Brian's chest and his stomach and towards his treasure trail. He gently took off Brian's briefs, then reached for his penis. When his hands closed around it, he felt happier than he had in months and his heart jumped in delight when Brian gasped into the kiss breathlessly.

They messed around like that for a while, before Brian pulled back from the kiss. For a second Justin was scared that maybe Brian's mind had won against his feelings, but he was glad when he found out that it wasn't like that.

“Supplies?” Brian just said, looking at the younger man, who nodded immediately.

Justin quickly got up, went into his bedroom and returned within seconds with lube and condoms.

They were both rock-hard by now and had painful erections.

“You're beautiful,” Brian said as Justin made his way back into the room and even though he felt like a school girl, Justin couldn't help but blush at Brian's words.

“And you're hot,” Justin whispered, before he closed the distance between them and started kissing the older man again. “So hot...”

As they kept kissing, Brian started spreading the lube on his fingers. He urged Justin to lay down on his back, which the younger man did immediately. They were still kissing as Brian started to properly prepare Justin, first entering one finger into his tight hole, then a second and later a third.

The whole time Justin kept moaning in ecstasy, running his hands all over Brian's body, touching him wherever he could.

“You ready?” Brian asked after several minutes of preparation and Justin nodded eargerly when he knew that he was. And even if he weren't, he couldn't wait any longer. He needed Brian to make love to him. He needed Brian's dick up his ass and he needed it now.

Brian put himself into position, claiming Justin's lips in another kiss as he pushed in. Partly because he wanted to keep kissing those luscious lips and partly because he wanted to drown out any sound Justin might make. It wouldn't do for Gus and his friends to notice what they were doing up here.

The moment Brian slid in, he felt like he had come home. He felt complete again and for several seconds he just enjoyed the feeling. He didn't move, he didn't even kiss Justin, he just enjoyed this moment of feeling complete again for the first time in years.

“Brian?” Justin's voice interrupted his thoughts and Brian frowned when he saw shining blue eyes look up at him in concern. Which was quite the comical image really as Justin was crying at the same time.

“Fuck,” Brian muttered, ready to pull out again, fearing that he might have hurt Justin when he had entered him.

“Stay,” the younger man whispered, as he closed his own legs around Brian's back, pulling him closer and effectively stopping him from pulling out. More tears left his eyes and Brian felt utterly confused by the sight in front of him.

“Feels so good,” Justin whispered, a huge sunshine smile now spreading on his face.

Brian relaxed when he saw the smile and couldn't help but smile a bit himself. It did feel good. Justin was right about that.

They stayed like that for several minutes, their gazes never breaking, their eyes holding a silent conversation on their own, without any words needed. When they both felt that they were ready, they nodded and smiled.

Brian then started to move, building up a steady rhythm of pounding into Justin's ass. The younger man met each thrust with his hips and soon after they were both panting breathlessly and moaning in the ecstasy of it all.

Not surprisingly, neither of them lasted long, too overcome by their emotions to really make this coupling last.

Justin felt his orgasm built and started meeting Brian's thrusts even more enthusiastically, before his seed finally burst from his dick and spread over his stomach and Brian's. Brian followed suit only seconds later, emptying his seed into the condom with a loud groan.

When he was done empyting his seed, Brian collapsed onto Justin's body, allowing the younger man to wrap his arms around him and hold him close.

No words were spoken as their bodies had done all the talking that was needed.

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian's body, holding the man securely in place and he couldn't help but smile to himself in absolute happiness when he felt Brian's breathing calm down and eventually felt the older man fall asleep in his arms, his penis still buried inside of Justin.

Chapter 23

Brian slowly opened his eyes and looked around the room in confusion. He could have sworn that Justin had been with him and that they had sex together here in Justin's guestroom. He could have sworn that he had fallen asleep in Justin's arms after their frantic coupling, but as he looked around, he was all alone in the bedroom and the younger man was nowhere to be found.

For a second Brian wondered if the sex had just been another dream, another cruel imagination his mind had come up with to torture him, to tease him with what he would never have again, but then his eyes settled on the small bottle of lube on the night table and everything came back to him. They had had sex and damn had it been good. He had never felt as complete and as at home as he had when he had finally slipped into that tight ass that he loved so much. He remembered how they had both come, overcome by emotions and even more so, he remembered falling asleep because for the first time in months, years even, he had felt completely relaxed and at peace. He had felt Justin's arms around him, had felt the blond holding him tight, had felt secure and cared for and that feeling had allowed him to drift off into a peaceful sleep for the first time in a long time.

Yet here he was all alone. No sight of Justin anywhere. Brian slowly sat up and frowned when he saw the trash can close by. He leaned over and picked it up and wasn't surprised when he saw some tissues and a used condom inside. Justin must have cleaned him up after their lovemaking.

Brian looked down his naked body and yes, somebody had definitely cleaned him up. He was sure that he hadn't removed the condom on his own. He would be able to remember that and as much as he tried to remember, he couldn't even remember slipping out of Justin to begin with.

So where was the younger man now? Why was he not here with Brian?

Brian checked the alarm clock and noticed that it was barely 8am. Usually he was the morning person and Justin wasn't, so it made no sense that Justin would have woken up before him. Though what did Brian really know? It had been years since he had last slept with Justin and who knew? Maybe the man had turned into a morning person now that he was taking care of Gus who had to go to school every day and now that he had a job. Maybe things had changed. Like so many other things between them.

Knowing that he wouldn't find the answers he was looking for in the empty bedroom, Brian decided to get up and get ready for the day. As there was still a group of teenagers downstairs waiting for them to get them breakfast, Brian knew that wherever Justin had disappeared to, it couldn't be far.

Deciding to take a quick shower to freshen up, Brian jumped into the ensuite bathroom and got ready for the day.

As he made his way downstairs, he frowned when he could smell the delicious aroma of fresh coffee in the air. Apparently Justin had already made coffee.

Brian made his way into the kitchen and stopped in his tracks when he found the younger man sitting at the kitchen table, a large cup of coffee beside him, his head focused on the sketchpad in front of him. He was furiously drawing something and the pencil moved almost angrily all over the sketchpad.

“You're up early,” Brian said, announcing his presence which seemed to startle Justin who dropped his pencil and looked up at Brian from wide eyes.

Justin immediately closed the sketchpad, then took a deep breath before he focused on the cup of coffee in front of him.

“You know I've seen you draw my dick before,” Brian joked but stopped when he saw that Justin was avoiding his eyes and didn't seem to react at all.

He poured himself a cup of coffee as well, then moved over to the kitchen table, sitting down in the chair opposite of Justin's. He did a double-take when he saw how tired and exhausted the blond looked.

“Are you okay?”

“I am fine,” was the tight-lipped response he received.

“Did you get any sleep last night? You look like you haven't slept in weeks,” Brian sounded concerned as he noticed the rings under Justin's eyes and noticed how red his eyes looked. Almost as if he was bothered by his allergies... or had been crying.

“I am fine,” the younger man only repeated once more, sounding just as tight-lipped as before. He then took his sketchpad and got up from the table. “We should probably start with breakfast. I am sure the boys will be up soon.”

Brian noticed how the whole time Justin had been talking, he had been avoiding Brian's eyes and Brian wasn't quite sure what to make of it.

“Okay, I feel like I am missing something here. What's going on?”

“Nothing,” came the immediate response as Justin moved out of the room. Brian looked after him in confusion and wasn't quite sure what to make of Justin's weird behaviour.

When the blond returned a minute later, this time without his sketchpad, Brian felt like he deserved some better answers. “Okay, this whole blushing virgin act is so not your thing...”

Justin chose to ignore Brian's comment and went to the fridge, getting some eggs from it to start with scrambled eggs for the boys' breakfast.

“Hey, Justin! Earth to Justin. What the fuck is going on? Why are you acting like this?”

“Let's just get breakfast started, okay?” Justin said tiredly, focusing on the eggs and still not looking at Brian.

By now Brian felt like he had enough of Justin's weird behaviour and he walked over to make the young man look at him. “So we're not going to talk about last night?”

Brian felt like he had been slapped when he heard a cold laugh from Justin in response. “Last night? What about it? We had sex. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. End of story.”

Of course Brian recognised his own words from so many years ago. Words he had thrown into Justin's face when the young man had come back for more after their first night together. Only that those had been his words and Justin had never believed in them. Quite on the contrary, he had hated them and had hated that Brian had lived by them. Justin had always believed that emotions were a part of sex and he had never been able to separate sex from emotions like Brian had.

“End of story?” Brian frowned, not even trying to hide the hurt he felt at Justin's words. “And now you're giving me the cold shoulder?”

“Brian, we had sex. And it was good, but that's what it was. Sex. Now we don't have to make a bigger deal out of it than it was.”

Brian felt like he was caught in an episode of Twilight Zone where Justin had morphed into a younger version of the old Brian Kinney and was now throwing his best of back into his face.

“It wasn't just sex and you know it as well as I do,” Brian argued, but stopped talking when he heard Justin's response.

“I am sorry if it was more to you, but to me it was just sex. Let's not make this awkward, okay?”

“So this is it? You're now pretending to be me? This is not you, Justin. That has never been you...”

“And how would you know who I am? You don't know me anymore, Brian. So don't act like you do.”

With that parting shot Justin effectively turned back to the scrambled eggs and left Brian alone with his thoughts.

And damn, Brian would be lying if he didn't feel confused and most of all hurt by how Justin was giving him the cold shoulder this morning. No, he hadn't expected the roses and happy ending for them, but at least he had hoped that they would be able to have a normal conversation about what had happened between them the night before. Because something had happened. Brian knew it. As much as Justin wanted to pretend that it had just been sex for him, Brian knew that wasn't true. He had seen the emotions in the younger man's eyes. He had seen the tears, had heard how Justin had nearly begged for them to have sex and now this? It didn't make sense to Brian at all, but he knew better than to push for answers now. Gus and his friends would be up any minute now and it wouldn't do for them to find the adults in the house fighting about the sex they had had the night before.

The rest of the day Brian and Justin mostly tried to stay clear of each other and only spoke to each other when it was absolutely necessary. Brian had never felt as glad as he did that evening when he was finally able to leave Justin's house and return to his own apartment.

***

“Okay, explain it to me again,” Daphne urged, looking at her best friend as if he had just grown a second head. “You and Brian have sex and the next day you give him the cold shoulder and act like it had just been a one-night stand? When this is what you have wanted for months? Years even?”

“Look, I don't expect you to understand it,” Justin started, only to be immediately interrupted by his best friend.

“And I don't. It's absolutely crazy and makes no sense, Jus! And you used the very same words he told you after your first night together? Why?”

“Because I couldn't think of anything else to say,” Justin admitted weakly, hanging his own head. “It was the first thing that came to my mind, really.”

“Why say anything like that to begin with?” Daphne asked, shaking her head in disappointment. “You love him. This is what you wanted. Why say anything like that at all?”

Justin shrugged, not meeting her eyes.

“Oh no, Justin. You're not going to get away with a shrug. How could you? How could you do this to him?”

“After everything he's been through?” Justin supplied sarcastically.

“Yes!” Daphne looked beyond angry. “And what's with that tone of voice?”

“I know the spiel, okay? Poor, innocent Brian, evil Justin. How dare he hurt Brian after everything he has been through...? Can we, for a moment, please, remember that he's not the only one who has been through some shit? I've had for shit years as well, thinking he had died...”

“I can't believe you just said that.What is wrong with you?” Daphne angrily got up from her seat at the table and grabbed her purse, ready to storm out of Justin's kitchen.

“Daph,” Justin called behind her, running a hand over his face. “I am sorry.”

“Sorry? How can you say something like that? You know better than anyone what he has been through...”

“NO! I don't! And that's just it... I fucking don't,” Justin then cried, surprising both Daphne and himself with his little outburst.

“And you're never going to find out if you treat him like this,” Daphne said quietly, slowly moving back to the chair she had been sitting on earlier. “Why would he tell you anything if you treat him like this?”

“God, Daph. Do you have any idea how hard this is for me? I get that this is hard for Brian, but... it's not easy for me either.”

“Well, right now, I just can't seem to get myself to feel sorry for you. And as your best friend that is saying a lot.”

“I just did what I had to do,” Justin said quietly, looking at his friend sadly.

“You needed to hurt Brian? For whatever reason?” Daphne asked, still looking beyond outraged.

Justin stayed quiet and just shook his head over and over again.

“Why?” Daphne pressed, then, when no reply came, stood up once again. “You know what? I never thought you could be this cruel to the man you claim to love. And I know that you love him. I know that you have loved him all these years. The moment he came back, I knew you were still in love with him and... I really can't understand why you would hurt him like this.” She shook her head, then made for the door. She stopped when she heard a voice hardly above a whisper.

“So he couldn't hurt me...”

“What?” She frowned, not sure if she had really heard something or had just imagined it.

“I couldn't have him hurt me,” Justin whispered once more, tears now running down his face.

“Jus, I love you, but that makes no sense. No sense at all!”

“I couldn't have him tell me to my face that it has been a mistake. I... couldn't have him say that it had meant nothing when it meant the world to me,” Justin pressed out, by now sobbing.

Daphne was torn between her anger and her friendship for the blond and in the end the friendship won over. She slowly made her way back to Justin and knelt down at her friend's side, taking the sobbing man into her arms. She tried to console him as best as she could and just held him tight as he cried for what felt like forever. When he finally calmed down, she sat down in the chair next to his, holding his hand in support.

“I don't understand,” she admitted honestly.

“I...I pressured him. I pressured him into sleeping with me that night. He had had a nightmare and his emotions had been raw from that and... I know I shouldn't have, but I just wanted to make him forget about that and wanted to make him feel better. So I urged him to let go of his thoughts and to just go along with it. To have sex with me. I don't think he would have done it if he hadn't been so emotionally raw from the nightmare and... I used him. I fucking used him, Daph.”

“Justin,” Daphne started, but Justin just shook his head and went right on.

“I knew that it was wrong. I knew it, but... I wanted him so much. I wanted it so much. I have missed him so much and... I just needed him. I needed him to make love to me and...,” Justin sniffed, wiping away the tears from his eyes as he turned towards Daphne and met her gaze. “It was perfect. It was everything I dreamed it would be. It felt so good. I felt so good. For the first time in God knows how long, I felt complete again and...,” Justin stopped then, not continuing.

“And what?” Daphne pressed, still not understanding completely.

“And I knew that he wouldn't feel the same about it once his mind was in the right place again,” Justin sighed, hanging his head.

“Justin, you don't know that.”

“Yes, I do. I know him and I knew that come the next day, he would be angry with me for using him like that. I knew that he would consider us having sex a big mistake and... maybe it was, but Daph, it felt so amazing. I couldn't have him talk badly about what was so important to me.”

“So you did instead?” Daphne frowned, still not sure she understood what Justin was trying to say.

“No, I just knew that I needed to give him a way out. A way out without diminishing what that night had meant to me.”

“So instead you diminished what it might have meant to him?”

“I know it didn't mean the same to him as it meant to me,” Justin sighed, his voice beyond sad.

“How would you know that? Did he say that?” Daphne asked.

“He didn't have to. He has known for months that I love him. He...he knows that I want him, but he hasn't acted on it at all. I know he's not interested in me. If he were, he would have done something months ago, but he hasn't. That night, he was emotionally raw and I gave him a way out. Sex has always been Brian's favourite form of pain management and I gave that to him.”

“All I am hearing are an awful lot of assumptions about Brian's feelings when you haven't asked him about his opinion at all,” Daphne pointed out, still not ready to let Justin off the hook.

“Daph, Brian has always been about actions, not words. If he still loved me, he would act on it. He would have done something by now, but... he hasn't...I told him that I love him, I told him that I want us to be together. He has known for months and nothing. Absolutely nothing!”

“Maybe he just needs more time...after everything...,” Daphne wondered, squeezing her friend's hand in hers. “Look, I might not know Brian as well as you do, but I know him well enough to know that he loves you. More than anything! That's the one thing I have always known about Brian Kinney. That he is head over heels in love with you.”

“That was a long time ago... He has changed, Daph.”

“So what? So have you!”

“He feels like a completely different person at times. He's so closed off and... I just want to help him, but he won't let me.”

“Maybe he's just trying to figure out his new role in your life and isn't sure of what his place is,” Daphne suggested, mulling over everything that Justin had said. “After all he has been getting very confusing signals from you...”

“What?”

“I mean, think about it. He has been your boyfriend, you have been raising his son together and then you got separated. He went through God knows what in Gilead and you... you went on and built a life for yourself here in Canada. A life that had no space for him. Your boyfriend? That role had been taken by Ethan while he was gone. Gus' father? That role has been taken by you and Ethan as well while he was gone. Maybe he just isn't sure where he fits into your life any longer? You haven't exactly made it easy for him to find that place.”

“But... if that were the case, Ethan has been gone for months. I broke up with him months ago,” Justin pointed out.

“And maybe he still didn't know how he would fit into your life. He has always been your saviour, your protector. He always had the money, the status. He took care of you and now you have your own life and don't need him anymore to protect you. Maybe the two of you just need to get to know each other again and need to figure out where your place in each other's life is.”

“I don't think he wants to be in my life,” Justin sighed sadly, shaking his head. “And I don't think he wants me in his life. He... he has told me nothing about what happened in Gilead after that night. He... he doesn't share anything with me and...I just don't think he wants a future with me.”

“Well, certainly not if you treat him like a random one-night stand that you have no feelings for,” Daphne said tersely. “Jus, you hurt him. Whatever you might tell yourself, you hurt him! Everyone could see it on his face that day after. Maybe...he just needed that night to really be sure that there was a place for him in your life. And then you come in and pull the rug from under him by making it seem like it was nothing more than a mistake.” She shook her head. “What if you did to him the very thing you were afraid of him doing to you?”

Justin frowned, thinking over what she had said, then shook his head. “I don't think so.”

“And you won't know for sure until you speak to him. You guys need to talk. That has always been your problem. Go and talk to him!”

“And if he doesn't have any feelings for me?” Justin asked, looking younger and more innocent than Daphne had ever seen him.

“Then you'll at least know for sure and can move on. This is hurting you as well, Justin. Right now you're both hurting and without talking to each other, I don't think either of you will be able to leave that hurt behind.”

Justin sighed, knowing deep down that Daphne was probably right. He needed to talk to Brian and even if Brian confirmed what he had been scared of for months now, at least there would finally be closure and they could both move on.

Chapter 24

Only that talking to Brian had turned out to be a lot harder than Justin had expected. Every time he had tried talking to the older man, Brian had found a way to avoid Justin. Just like he had found incredibly creative ways to stay out of Justin's way in general.

Where they would have normally met when Brian had taken Gus back home in the evenings, Brian now just let Gus get out of the car and was off before the boy had even reached the main door of the house. When Justin had tried to meet Brian at his office, he had been informed by his secretary that Brian was in meetings all day long.

His calls just went to voicemail and his texts had been ignored. He had sent one text to Brian, just saying “We need to talk.” to which Brian had replied “Is it about Gus?” When Justin had gotten back to him and said that they needed to talk about that night, Brian had stopped responding. If it wasn't about Gus, he wasn't available.

Brian had been avoiding him for almost three weeks now and Justin was getting incredibly tired of it.

“I really don't know what else to do anymore,” he sighed as he looked at his beer bottle, then took a long sip.

He and Daphne had decided to have a night out. It was Saturday, they were young and most importantly Gus was spending the night at a friend's house, so Justin was all alone and free. It had been years since he and Daphne had been out like that, cruising the gay scene of Toronto.

Once Justin had been with Ethan, there just hadn't been any fun in going out and checking out the gay clubs of the city. What was the point if you could watch, but not touch? But now that he was officially single, why not? And Daphne had claimed that he needed a distraction and that this would be good for him, so who was he to say no?

“Jus,” Daphne said, looking at her friend in slight annoyance, but also with very understanding eyes. “What did you expect?”

“That he would at least give me a chance to explain.”

“Would you give him a chance to explain if he had done the same to you?” Daphne asked reasonably, but stopped when Justin shook his head.

“He never would want to explain and don't forget, he did it to me. Back then I went and stalked him like crazy until he couldn't avoid me any longer.”

“Well, maybe that's what you should do then. It seems to have done the trick before,” Daphne shrugged.

“I am not 17 anymore. Please, I have some self-respect now,” Justin huffed, then rolled his eyes when Daphne just responded with a tense 'Could have fooled me.'

“I fucked up. It's my own fault. It's too late now,” Justin sighed melodramatically, then took another long sip from his bottle.

“Okay, stop it! This is enough! We are here to have fun and to get you laid. Not to have you drown in self-pity over a decision that you made yourself. Tonight, we're having fun! Tomorrow you can go back to being mopey Justin, but not tonight,” Daphne announced, as she took the bottle from Justin's hands, put it on the table and then took his hands.

“We're off to Fly2.0 now,” she announced, pulling her friend up with her. “And from now on it's just fun, fun, fun.”

“Daph,” Justin tried to complain, but knew that it was futile. Daphne was on a mission now and wouldn't be stopped. And who knew? Maybe she was right. Maybe a night of dancing and maybe even a random fuck was just what he needed to clear his mind.

So in the end he followed her with a lot less struggle than they had both anticipated and went down the street to their favourite gay nightclub in Toronto.

Fly2.0 wasn't like Babylon, but it came pretty close. The décor, the music and most of all the clientele were exactly like Babylon. The same horny gays looking for fun, sex and some of them even for the loves of their lives. It was the closest they had found to Babylon here in Toronto and once they made their way there, Justin was immediately reminded why he had liked the club to begin with.

The loud beats of the music, the half naked (sometimes even more naked!), sweaty bodies, the alcohol, sometimes the occasional drugs. Yeah, this was what Justin needed to forget about his woes where Brian Kinney was concerned.

They immediately made their way to the dance floor and started shaking their bodies to the beat of the music. It didn't take long for Justin to gain an audience. Even though he was older now, he still knew how to dance and how to move his body to the beats. His ass was still spectacular and neither Justin himself nor Daphne were really surprised when men started flocking towards him almost immediately.

Some of them made their interest very obvious and started humping him quite openly. Justin politely declined all offers and shook his head at the men around him.

“Jus, come on! That guy in the black wifebeater was hot!”

“Maybe,” Justin just shrugged, never stopping to dance to the beat of the music.

They continued dancing for what felt like hours, before they both felt thirsty and decided to take a break. They went to the bar and ordered drinks, watching the action on the dance floor while they drank.

“Oh shit,” Daphne suddenly exclaimed which made Justin frown. He turned towards her, then followed her line of sight. When his eyes saw what hers saw, his stomach twisted painfully.

Brian! With a trick. Heading towards the backroom or what served as the backroom in Fly2.0.

Justin didn't know why, but his stomach contracted when he saw Brian and the trick disappear around the corner and he had to close his eyes and take a deep breath to stay calm.

“Hey, are you okay?”

Justin nodded, then opened his eyes again and turned towards his friend with a fake smile. “Sure, yeah.”

“I am sorry. I didn't know that he would be here,” Daphne started, looking at Justin in concern.

Justin shrugged and tried to act as nonchalantly as he could. “I am not really surprised. Babylon used to be Brian's playground. Of course he would find a new one here in Toronto as well. It's just who he is.”

“Are you really okay?” Daphne asked once again, eyeing her friend in obvious concern. She knew that he loved Brian and that there were things left unsaid between them. She knew how much Justin was hoping and praying that one day they would work out their differences and could be a couple again and she knew how much it had to hurt Justin to see Brian disappear into the backroom with a random trick.

“Let's dance!” Justin announced instead of answering her question and pulled his friend back towards the dance floor.

Daphne was sure that Justin was just putting on an act, but wasn't quite sure what to do about it. So in the end she followed him and they went back dancing for the next hour.

They took one more break for drinks, but didn't see Brian again all night which in Daphne's opinion was probably for the best. Justin once again got some very clear offers, but declined all of them with a friendly smile and sad shake of his head.

Around 2am Justin suddenly announced that he was getting tired and that they should head home. Feeling quite bushed herself, Daphne agreed and they left and hailed a taxi.

As Daphne's place was on the way to Justin's, they dropped Daphne off first. The friends promised each other that they would talk the next day, they kissed and then Daphne rushed into her apartment building, thinking that Justin would head home as well, only that he didn't.

***

“Still home by 3 o'clock, I see,” Justin muttered, scaring the shit out of Brian as he got off his elevator and walked towards his apartment.

“Jeez, what the fuck are you doing here?”

“I am surprised you are on your own. Wasn't anyone willing to come home with you tonight?”

“There would have been enough volunteers,” Brian just gave back, walking closer towards his door, where Justin was sitting on the floor. “How did you get inside the building?”

Justin slowly got up, then shrugged as he met Brian's gaze head on. “I have always been resourceful,” he announced, not wanting to let Brian know that he had slipped in before the door had closed when someone else had left the building. Otherwise he would have had to wait for Brian outside on the sidewalk.

“Why are you here?” Brian sighed, knowing very well how resourceful Justin could be if he wanted to.

“I saw you at the club earlier,” the younger man said as if that would explain everything.

“And?” Brian urged him to continue, because to him it didn't explain anything.

“I saw you disappear into the backroom with that trick,” Justin continued.

“Which one?” Brian smirked, leaving no doubt that there had been more than one trick that night.

“Tall, dark, handsome. The one with the tattoo on his shoulder.”

Brian nodded as he remembered the one Justin was talking about. “Gives lousy blowjobs. Don't let him get anywhere near your dick.”

“I didn't plan to,” Justin replied quietly, looking Brian up and down. Damn, he was hot. Even now at his age, Brian looked damn hot in his clubbing clothes.

“And what did you plan?” Brian asked instead with a raised eyebrow.

Justin shrugged, lowering his eyes.

“Okay, what the fuck? What are you doing here?”

“I don't know,” the younger man finally breathed out after a long silence had settled between them.

“Bullshit!” Brian exclaimed as he opened his door, then stepped inside. He left the door open, knowing that their conversation wasn't over yet, but also knowing that it was not a conversation he wanted to have in the hallway of his apartment complex where other neighbours could hear them.

“Brian,” Justin started as he followed the older man inside the apartment and closed the door behind them.

The second the door had been closed, Brian turned on Justin, his eyes glaring daggers at the younger man. “You want to lie to yourself? Fine! But don't you dare lie to me. You came here because seeing me at the club with the trick got you hot and bothered and now you're here, hoping for a repeat performance.”

“I...no,” was all Justin could reply, shaking his head furiously.

“Then why are you here?” Brian repeated, almost as if talking to a child.

“I wanted to apologise,” Justin started, only to be interrupted by Brian again.

“Bullshit! You can apologise at any time, there's no need to wait outside of my apartment at 3 in the morning...”

“I can't really apologise with you avoiding me and making it almost impossible for me to speak to you,” Justin gave back right away.

“Maybe that should have been a hint that I don't feel like talking to you,” Brian said, his voice drenched in sarcasm.

“I am sorry,” Justin just said, his voice very quiet and almost void of emotion.

“And I don't care.”

“I love you,” Justin whispered, looking at Brian from wide blue eyes.

Brian snorted, running his hand through his hair. “You know, you really need to make up your mind. One day it's love, the next it's a one-night stand that didn't mean anything and now we're back to love?”

“It has always been love,” Justin said sincerely, looking up to meet Brian's angry gaze, hoping that the man would see the truth in his eyes.

“That's not what you said after Gus' birthday party,” Brian pressed out, still glaring at Justin.

“Because I was scared,” Justin admitted, once again lowering his eyes.

Despite his better judgement, Brian couldn't help but ask the next question. “Scared of what?”

Justin sighed, his voice sounding beyond emotional when he spoke next. “That the night hadn't meant the same to you that it had meant to me.” A single tear now ran down Justin's cheek.

“A one-night stand?”

“No, so much more,” Justin replied, his eyes never leaving Brian's as he tried to explain his feelings. “It meant the world to me, Brian. It... it meant everything. For the first time in years I felt complete and...I was scared it hadn't meant the same to you. That you would be angry with me...”

“Angry?” Brian asked in a voice that didn't give any hint how he felt about any of what Justin had just said.

“Angry because I had used you. Because I had pushed you to have sex with me when... when you were still so emotionally raw from that nightmare. I... I shouldn't have done that, but I needed you so much and I just wanted to make you feel better and when we...finally... it felt so good and the thought that you would be angry with me because I had used you and pushed you into sleeping with me...The thought killed me. I couldn't bear the thought of you telling me that it had been a mistake when it had been the best night of my life,” Justin finished, by now openly crying.

Brian's face still gave no indication of what he was feeling or thinking about Justin's words and Justin wondered if his words mattered to Brian at all or if they left him cold.

“You didn't use me,” Brian just said after being quiet for the longest time.

“Yeah, I did. And I felt so bad about it, but at the same time, I also didn't because it meant the world to me.”

“You didn't use me,” Brian just repeated, still not giving anything else away.

Once again an uncomfortable silence settled between the two men. Brian broke the silence after several minutes, slowly making his way over to Justin as he spoke.

“Give me some credit, Sunshine. After all these years, I know when I am being played or used. Do you really think I would have let that night happen if I hadn't wanted it to?”

Justin gasped, looking at Brian from wide eyes. Firstly because Brian had called him Sunshine for the first time in forever and secondly because of what the man had said. Brian had wanted to sleep with Justin as well? Had Justin heard correctly?

“But,” the younger man started, trying to find the words he knew were in his head somewhere. “You never... you never said that you...”

“Yeah, I guess I am still not good with words,” the older man shrugged, his trademark smirk in place. “I am better at showing... or at least I thought I was...”

Brian wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing or not, he wasn't sure if he would come to regret this or not, but he also knew that he would regret it more if he didn't at least give this a chance.

Yes, he had been burned before by Justin's behaviour, but everyone kept telling him that Justin loved him. Emmett had said so, Daphne had said so several times over the last year. What if they were right? Could he really risk letting that chance slip away? Could he really risk not takint this chance they had here? What if Justin was right and he loved him, what if he had only been scared? Maybe he needed Brian to give him a sign, maybe that would help them get this right.

Trusting his heart and trying to turn off his mind, Brian made a decision, hoping that he wouldn't come to regret it.

Justin looked surprised when Brian's body was suddenly right in front of his own, barely inches between them.

The blond was even more surprised when Brian leaned in and closed the gap between them, their mouths meeting in a searing kiss.

After several minutes they broke apart breathlessly, eyes still locked on each other.

“Show me,” Justin whispered, smiling when Brian closed the distance between them once more and met his mouth in another kiss.

And the older man showed him indeed. For the rest of the night, no more words were spoken. Only actions. And the actions spoke louder than any words could have as far as Justin was concerned.

Brian led him to his bedroom, gently led him to the bed and helped undress the younger man, before undressing himself. The whole time they were touching as if their connection would be broken the second they stopped touching. Hands were roaming, mouths crushed and fought for dominance while feelings got deeper and deeper.

After making out for what felt like forever, Brian moved his body down and made Justin gasp as he left tender kisses all over his chest, his stomach and then down to his groin. When he gently kissed Justin's dick before taking it into his mouth and starting to give Justin one of the best blowjobs he had ever had, the younger man felt as if he was in heaven. He came on a wave of ecstasy and shouted Brian's name over and over as he rode his orgasm.

After Justin had come, Brian gently continued kissing his way down and moved his tongue towards his goal for the night, Justin's tight asshole. He started licking around, gently teasing the opening with his tongue before he started slipping his tongue in and out of that tight tunnel, giving Justin a rim job he would never forget while effectively preparing him for the main event.

After using some lube and his fingers to finish preparing Justin, Brian was happy and slipped on a condom. He allowed Justin to coat his dick with lube as well, moaning at the touch of the skilled hands of his blond artist.

When they were ready, Justin raised his legs to Brian's shoulders and Brian lined up his cock at Justin's entrance. And then the moment came and he slid in.

Once again Justin felt as if he had just been transported to heaven, feeling filled and complete with Brian inside of him. Brian's hands were gently caressing Justin's cheek, their gazes locked the whole time Brian made love to Justin. And it was making love. This was not a wild, frenzied fuck. This was lovemaking. Justin knew it just as he knew his own name.

Soon after they both reached their climax and came with each other's names on their lips when their orgasms rocked their bodies.

This time Brian was still present enough to pull out of Justin and remove the condom himself. He shortly left the bedroom to get a cloth and to clean up Justin who had come all over his stomach, before he climbed back into his bed again, pulling the younger man close.

Justin smiled as he felt Brian's broad chest against his back, his arms securely tightened around Justin's upper body, holding him close and in place.

No, Brian might not have used any words, but Justin had heard the message loud and clear anyway.

Brian still loved him and their lovemaking had meant the same to the older man that it had meant to him.

With that thought in mind and a sunshine smile on his face, Justin slowly drifted off.

Chapter 25

“Mmmmmh, morning,” Brian murmured as he slowly woke up and felt soft fingers caressing his chest. The fingers were gentle, the touch was like a soft breeze, almost not touching him or just touching him very carefully, as if afraid of waking him up.

A small smile spread on Brian's lips as the events of the previous night came back to his mind and it spread wider when he realised that this time he didn't find himself alone in his bed, but that Justin was still with him, still touching him.

Because Brian would recognise that touch anywhere. Justin's fingers moving over his chest, it was a feeling he would recognise anywhere in the world and now that he lay there, he realised how much he had really missed it. How much he had really missed this. Lazy mornings in bed after a night of sex and falling asleep in each other's arms.

Brian's younger self would be appalled at the thoughts going through his mind now, the whole domesticity of the scene, but Brian had moved on from that a long time ago. Circumstances had made him move on long ago. He knew that he loved Justin, he knew that Justin was it for him, was what other people called the love of their lives, he knew that Justin was the only man on the planet he could ever imagine mornings like this with. He knew all that, he just didn't feel like putting a label on it and giving it a name. As long as he and Justin knew what they meant to each other that was all that mattered.

Only... did they? Did they know what they meant to each other? Yes, Justin had said that he loved Brian, that Brian made him complete, that he wanted Brian in his life, but the younger man had also said that their last sex had only been a one-night stand without any meaning. Brian wasn't quite sure what to make of Justin's statements at this point.

He had thought Justin's actions had been clear the night before, but he had thought the same the night of Gus' birthday party and then the next morning his whole world had come crashing down when Justin had acted like a younger copy of his old self and had claimed that it had just been sex, nothing else. At least this time Justin was still there and judging by his soft touches, he seemed willing to accept that last night had been more than just a one-night stand. Brian really hoped so, because he wasn't sure if he could go through the same again.

Justin had really hurt him when he had thrown his own statement from so many years ago back into his face, not that Brian would ever admit it, he would never show other people how much their actions hurt him, never wanting anyone to have that power over him, but yeah, it had hurt.

For years Justin had been the driving force in keeping him alive, had been the reason he had survived, had been the goal he had been looking towards in his fight for survival and that night of Gus' birthday, he had finally felt like he had reached that goal. Like he had finally left the past in the past and had made it through all that in one piece only to have his whole world taken down the next day by the one man who had the power to hurt him.

He had felt shaken and hurt afterwards, had needed to take a step back and had needed to put some distance between himself and Justin. Yes, the younger man had tried to talk to him, had tried to get in contact, but Brian had refused all contact. Justin had said enough that morning. Brian had gotten the message loud and clear and didn't need a repeat performance, thanks very much. Only that now here they were, in his bed, in each other's arms with Justin gently caressing his chest.

Maybe he had been wrong when he had believed Justin's words. Justin claimed that he had been scared, had been scared of their night not meaning the same to Brian that it had meant to him and therefore he had lashed out first. Had hurt Brian first before Brian could hurt him, which really was Brian Kinney 101. He usually was the one who would hurt other people and push them away before they could hurt him and do the same to him. When had Justin become that man? When had Justin turned into him?

The younger man had seemed genuine enough the previous night and after the two nights they had shared, Brian believed him when he said that he loved him, but was that enough? He knew that he had changed and the more and more he found out about Justin, he knew that he had changed as well. And how could they not? So many years apart, so many things that had happened to each of them, most traumatic. Of course they would change. It was normal. But what did that mean for them? Was there still a them? Were they still compatible the way they had been before their lives had been turned upside down?

All these thoughts and so many more ran through Brian's mind as he woke up, trying to push them away and trying to focus on the soft touch on his chest instead.

“Morning,” Justin murmured back, his voice sounding tired, but relaxed. “I can hear the wheels in your head spinning over here,” he whispered in slight amusement, before he turned more serious and leaned in closer to Brian. “Are you okay?”

What he had really been asking was 'Are we okay?' and Brian wasn't sure if he knew the answer to that. He sighed as he slowly opened his eyes, not surprised when he found blue eyes looking right back at him in concern and also slight trepidation. He knew what Justin was afraid of, it was the same thing he was afraid of. That either of them would declare the last night to have been a mistake. And who knew, maybe it had been, but he would be damned if he would be the one pointing it out. Last night had been perfect, had been good, had been what he had been waiting for all these years. Mistake or not, he had hardly ever felt as good as he had the night before.

“Thinking too much,” he whispered, trying to smile encouragingly at the blond, not sure if he was really succeeding or not. As he had said the night before, he was better with actions than with words, so he decided to let actions speak for now. He closed the distance between them and met Justin's lips in gentle good morning kiss. He immediately felt the body of the younger man relax in his arms and could only imagine what thoughts had been running through Justin's head. The same that had been plaguing his mind.

“Do you regret last night?” Justin asked, looking at him from eyes that showed his fear of the answer and made him look so much younger and more innocent than he was. Justin was scared and Brian hated that he was the reason for that worry.

“No,” he whispered, slowly shaking his head, trying to smile at the man sharing his bed. He hoped that he had sounded sincere enough because he didn't. He didn't regret it. Even if it turned out to be a mistake down the road, he would cherish the memory for the rest of his life. “I am just not sure what to make of it...”

“You mean what it means for us,” Justin replied quietly, before he sighed, his eyes never leaving Brian's. “If there is an us.”

The older man nodded, because Justin was right. That was what he had been wondering.

“Brian, I,” Justin started at the same time, Brian spoke as well.

“I want there to be...”

Justin stopped speaking, looking at Brian from shining eyes. “But?” He had heard the but in Brian's voice when he had spoken and he knew that there was one.

Brian sighed and turned onto his back, looking up at the ceiling as he tried to figure out the thoughts in his head. He was glad that Justin's hand still rested on his chest, he craved the connection and his touch more than he would ever admit.

“What if we are just fooling ourselves?” he whispered after the longest time, not daring to look at Justin as he spoke. “We are not the same anymore...we have changed, both of us and... sometimes I am not sure I even know who you are anymore and... who I am anymore... what if we're just holding on to a memory, but...there is no future.”

Brian frowned when he felt Justin move at his side, moving to lay his head on Brian's shoulder, his fingers still caressing Brian's chest. Justin was not looking at Brian, but at his fingers on Brian's chest when he replied.

“I am scared as well...,” he admitted quietly, putting a name to what Brian was feeling. “So fucking scared. And... I know I have made stupid decisions because I was afraid of the truth and...that probably didn't help in showing you that really, deep down, it's still me. I am still me. Justin Taylor who is irrevocably in love with Brian Kinney and has been since the first night he has laid eyes on him under a streetlight on Liberty Avenue in Pittsburgh.”

That made Brian chuckle and Justin was happy to hear the sound.

“I am scared as well... I know we have changed. How could we not? So much has happened, but...if we still want the same thing, then I think we should go for it. After everything we've been through, I think we should grab this chance and go for it. We deserve it. We fucking deserve our happy ending, Brian!”

Brian liked the sound of that, a happy ending sounded fucking great, but he knew that life was not a movie and oftentimes worked differently and had other plans. He tightened his arms around Justin's shoulders, holding the younger man close.

“It's not that easy... You have your own life...,” Brian said and Justin had heard the unspoken sentiment loud and clear. 'A life without me'. Maybe Daphne had been more right than he had given her credit for, Justin thought to himself as he listened to what Brian was saying.

“As do you...as did you when I first appeared in your life in Pittsburgh. We still figured it out then and we can figure it out now,” Justin said, sounding so hopeful that Brian almost felt infected by that hope as well. “You know, there is one very important part you're missing here,” Justin whispered, leaning down and leaving a tender kiss on Brian's chest. “I need you in my life.”

Brian shook his head slowly, never releasing his hold on Justin in his arms. “You never needed me. And you did just fine without me before.”

“That's where you are wrong,” Justin whispered and Brian could hear the emotions in the younger man's voice. “I existed. I survived. Yes, but I wasn't doing fine. Far from it.”

Justin then lifted his head and turned to look right into Brian's eyes. Brian was surprised when he saw how close to tears Justin seemed to be. “I have lived my life with you in it and I have lived my life without you in it and... there is no doubt which one I prefer. Life without you is not life, Brian. I... want you... no, I need you...I really need you in my life. I love you and I know that I have done a very shitty job of showing you recently, but I do and... I want us to try and figure this out. Last night... the night of Gus' birthday... those nights made me feel whole and happy for the first time in a long time. And not just because of the sex... Yeah, sex with you has always been great.”

At that point both Brian and Justin chuckled.

“But this is about so much more than sex. You are a part of me. Without you, I don't feel complete. I guess I never really showed you that after you came to Toronto and I am sorry, but... you are a part of me and I want you to stay a part of me. I want you in my life, Brian. I want there to be an us. I don't give a shit if we have changed. I don't care if it might be hard. I know what life without you is like and... I don't ever want to experience that again.”

By the time he finished, tears were running down Justin's face and Brian felt his own tears coming as well. He tried to fight them back while he gently wiped away Justin's tears. He believed him. He believed every word that Justin had said, he knew that the younger man had been sincere in everything he had said and more importantly, Brian knew that he felt the same.

Justin was a part of him. Brian hadn't felt as good as he had the previous night or the night of Gus' birthday in years. He had been without Justin for years, he knew what the younger man was talking about when he was speaking about merely having an existence but not a life. He had existed for years without Justin, he had been there, but every minute with Justin was life. If he had a choice, he would always choose life with Justin over life without Justin. Really, there was no choice.

“Neither do I,” he said, gently brushing a strand of hair out of Justin's face. “Life without you is no life,” Brian agreed, before he slowly closed the distance and gently kissed Justin.

“I never want to be without you again,” he whispered into the kiss, running his hands through the blond hair that he loved so much. “Never ever.”

He smiled when he felt a smile spread on Justin's face and when their kiss ended, Justin pulled back and looked at him with a sunshine smile so bright it almost took Brian's breath away.

“I love you, Brian. I know we can make this work.”

“We will,” Brian corrected him, claiming his lips in another kiss. “We will make this work.”

The kiss soon turned more passionate and within minutes Justin found himself on his back, Brian once again kissing down his stomach towards his groin and his penis. Only that Brian didn't go in for a blowjob this time. He gave Justin's hard cock a quick suck and lick, but then moved back upwards.

Justin moaned when his penis was released from Brian's mouth, not liking the loss of contact. He had really looked forward to another blowjob. “Brian... please...”

“No,” Brian whispered as he slowly kissed his way back up Justin's chest, along his collarbone and towards his ear. “I have other plans for this,” he whispered as he ran his hand over Justin's erection, making the younger man moan again. “Better plans.”

Justin frowned when Brian stopped kissing his jaw and ear and moved away to lie down on his back next to Justin, looking at the younger man from loving eyes. “Brian?”

“It's your turn, Sunshine,” was all Brian said, as he smiled at his partner, a promise in his eyes.

It took Justin a second to understand what Brian was saying, but when he did a sunshine smile spread all over his face. Yes, Justin had topped Brian before and it had happened more often than most people probably expected, but it hadn't really happened often enough to make it a common occurrence. When he realised what Brian was saying, he felt his heart burst. Topping Brian always made him feel special and it really showed him how much Brian loved him. Brian hated not being in control, Brian hated being vulnerable and there weren't many people Brian trusted enough to open up to like that. Justin had always felt special, knowing that he was one of the very few people Brian trusted enough to allow them the priviledge of topping him. And he had always cherished the experience and made sure that it was a good experience for Brian as well. Just like he would this time.

Justin nodded, showing Brian that he understood, then he slowly moved, so that he was sitting on top of Brian's thighs. He leaned down and kissed the older man, gently running his hands over Brian's body as he did so.

Justin smiled when he felt Brian relax completely and felt him let go off whatever had been on his mind before. Now it was just them. Brian and Justin. Sharing something that almost no one ever got to share with Brian. Oh yeah, Justin knew how special this moment was and treated it as such.

He slowly moved down and started to give Brian a blowjob. Brian had always loved his mouth, had always praised Justin's talent and this time was no different.

Justin enjoyed the familiar scents and tastes, enjoyed being close to Brian again in this special way. When he felt Brian come in his mouth, Justin made sure not to spill a single drop and lick it all up. This was Brian. Back in his life. Justin wouldn't waste any of that. In no way!

After Brian had come, Justin felt him relax even more, as if some pent-up energy had been released.

“God, your mouth is still awesome,” Brian muttered, a lazy smile on his face as he came down from his orgasm.

“Wait till you get to feel my dick inside that tight ass of yours,” Justin whispered, spreading Brian's legs and kneeling down between them.

“Can't wait,” Brian whispered, his eyes shining with anticipation at what was to come. As good as Justin was as a bottom, he was incredibly talented as a top as well and every single time he had topped Brian, it had been well worth it. Just like Brian knew that this time would be worth it. “Need you... need you so much, Sunshine...”

Justin grabbed the bottle of lube from the night table and spread a generous amount on his fingers. He then started to prepare Brian, being careful to not go too fast and to make sure that Brian was really ready. Brian didn't bottom often and it had probably been a very long time since it had happened last and Justin wanted this to be a good experience for Brian more than anything.

Brian groaned at the intrusion when Justin's first finger slipped into his tight hole, but soon after got used to the feeling and started rocking back, showing Justin that he was ready for more.

Justin took his time preparing Brian, gently opening up his hole for what was to come, the whole time leaving tender kisses on Brian's knees, thighs, his abdomen and finally his mouth again when their mouths met in another passionate kiss.

When Justin deemed Brian ready, he removed his fingers and allowed Brian to put the condom on his dick.

The whole experience of preparing Brian had made Justin rock hard and when Brian slipped the condom over his dick, he felt like he was close to exploding. Knowing that coming at Brian's touch would be a big waste, Justin forced himself to stay calm. He wanted this to be good for Brian, as well as for himself.

Their eyes met as Justin got into position and their gazes never broke as he slipped in. Brian tensed for a short moment and Justin forced himself to hold still, giving the older man time to adjust to the intrusion. When Brian was ready, he nodded, giving Justin the sign that he was ready for more.

Justin slowly built up a steady rhythm which Brian met on each thrust.

“God... so good... so good,” Brian moaned as his own hand wandered down to his own erection, quickly starting to pump it in rhythm with Justin's thrust.

Justin felt the first signs of his orgasm building and increased his thrusts a bit more. At the same time Brian increased the speed of his hand riding up and down his own cock in sync with Justin's thrusts.

Only a couple of thrusts later Justin felt Brian's asshole constrict around his cock, squeezing it that much more, showing that Brian's orgasm was close. The feeling of Brian's impending orgasm made Justin let go completely and he gave himself over to riding his own orgasm as he came shooting his seed into Brian's tight ass at the same time that Brian came as well.

“Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooddddd,” he moaned, collapsing onto Brian's chest once he was done. He tried to get his breathing under control and needed a couple of minutes before he could form any words again. “Wow... that was...”

“I know,” Brian replied, wrapping his arms around Justin's body and pulling him closer, not ready to let him move away yet.

Justin wiped a sweaty strand of auburn hair from Brian's forehead, grinning at the older man. “We still have it...”

“There was never any doubt,” Brian whispered, before he claimed Justin's lips with his own. They kissed lazily for a couple of minutes, before Justin slowly pulled himself up. In the process he slipped out of Brian which made the older man moan at the loss of contact.

“I think we need a shower,” Justin announced as he looked at the cum that was spread all over Brian's and his own chest.

Brian nodded, slowly moving up as well. He winced slightly as he sat down on the edge of the bed.

“You okay?” Justin asked, his voice immediately concerned when he saw Brian's wince.

“Yeah, it's just been a while...,” Brian muttered, trying to smile at Justin who now looked inconsolable at the thought of having hurt Brian. When Brian saw the look on Justin's face and recognised it, he immediately reached out his hand to caress the younger man's cheek. “Hey, I am fine. That was great! You were great... I am just not used to it anymore...”

“Are you sure?” Justin asked, even though he knew deep down that Brian was probably right. He remembered the first time Brian had made love to him and how his behind had hurt afterwards. Well, not really hurt. He knew that what Brian was experiencing wasn't really pain, but more like a sense of being spread too widely too fast.

As an experienced bottom, he knew that a certain feeling of pain was always part of bottoming, but while he embraced it and sometimes even enjoyed it, he knew that Brian didn't like it which was one of the reasons why he almost never bottomed and why Justin wanted to make him feel good every time he did. And not being a regular bottom, Brian's asshole was used even less to being spread that widely which probably only made the feeling more intense.

“More than sure. That was great! You were great,” Brian nodded, his eyes showing how sincere he was. He pulled Justin's face close and gave the younger man a reassuring kiss. When the kiss ended, he got up and pulled Justin up with him, leading the way to the shower which unfortunately, was not as big as the shower in the loft had been, but was still big enough for them to shower together.

And they made the most of that shower.

Chapter 26

“I don't think I have anything here that we can use for breakfast. Maybe we can head out and get something downtown,” Brian suggested as he moved back into his bedroom.

He had a towel wrapped around his waist and small droplets of water from their shower together still ran down his body as he made his way over to the bed looking at the mess they had made earlier. He would definitely have to change the sheets.

“Hmmmm-mmmm,” Justin hummed as he followed Brian into the room, just wearing a towel around his waist himself. “Still only poppers and beer in your fridge?” He asked jokingly.

“I just never have breakfast at home. I usually grab something on the way to the office,” Brian replied, before he turned to Justin with a frown. “Do poppers still exist?”

“I honestly don't know,” Justin replied. “Haven't you heard? I am respectable now. All grown up, raising a child.” He chuckled then grabbed his clothes from the floor where they had landed the night before and made a face when he smelled them. “Or we can head back to my place and eat there, allowing me to get a change of clothes. Gus should be back later anyway and I am sure he would be happy to see you.”

The mention of his son made Brian stop in his tracks which Justin immediately noticed. “Brian?”

He noticed how the older man tensed up and noticed the rigid set of his shoulders. “Hey, you okay?”

Brian shook his head slowly, then turned to Justin with a frown on his face. “What will we tell him?”

“Who? Gus?”

When Brian nodded, Justin frowned. He hadn't really thought about Gus much if he was honest which probably didn't speak well of him. He had been so caught up in his feelings for Brian and their actions of the previous night that Gus hadn't really been in his thoughts much.

“The truth?” He suggested, resting a hand on Brian's shoulder. “He's old enough now. I am sure he'll understand. He'll probably be very excited.”

“Won't it give him the wrong idea?” Brian frowned as he moved over to the edge of the bed and plopped down on it, running a hand through his wet hair.

“The wrong idea?”

“I mean... aren't there decisions we should be making first? Shouldn't we figure out this whole thing between us before we get Gus involved?”

Justin considered Brian's words and knew that he had a point. So far they had agreed that they wanted to be in each other's lives and wanted to be partners, but nothing much beyond that. They hadn't talked about anything beyond the fact that they loved each other and needed to be in each other's lives. There had been no talk about their living situation for example. Would they stay living apart as they were now? Would they move in together? If yes, where? In his house? Here, in Brian's apartment? A completely different place? Justin knew that it was way too early for thoughts like that, but those would be the things Gus would be asking and he would have a right to know the answers only that they didn't even know them themselves. They would need time to figure out this new relationship between them and would need time to make these decisions. They couldn't just jump back into things like before, too much had changed and needed to be taken into consideration. As much as Justin wished it wasn't like that, he knew that it was the truth and that Brian was probably right. There were things they needed to figure out first before they could tell Gus.

“I guess you're right,” Justin finally agreed. He moved over to the bed as well, kneeling down in front of Brian. “Maybe we should give it a bit more time before we tell him anything.”

“I am sorry... I guess this is not what you wanted,” Brian mumbled, hanging his head.

“Don't be sorry. Yeah, I guess I wouldn't mind shouting from the rooftops how much I love you,” Justin chuckled and was glad when he saw Brian smile in amusement as well, “but you're right. We need to figure this out between the two of us first. I'll still have enough time to shout it from the rooftops then,” Justin smirked, smiling when Brian pulled him up, then leant back on the bed and pulled him down with him into a kiss.

“Never stop making me laugh. Promise me that,” Brian whispered into the kiss, his eyes dancing with amusement.

“I promise,” Justin whispered, gently kissing Brian back.

He then rested his head on Brian's shoulder, just enjoying being close to Brian like that again. Yes, their sex was fantastic, but for Justin it wasn't always about the sex. These moments, these tender, quiet moments between them had been something he had missed just as much if not even more than the sex when Brian had been gone.

After a couple of minutes of just enjoying the moment, they both sat up again, ready to get dressed, so they could finally start their day.

Justin was just slipping on his briefs when he stopped in his tracks, caught off guard by the sight of Brian's naked body in front of him. Yes, he had seen Brian's naked body before, but the last times he had been too caught in the moment, had been too caught up in them having sex to really pay attention and this was really the first time he gave the older man the once-over. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help his eyes landing on the scars that now covered Brian's torso.

Yes, even in his passion Justin hadn't been able to ignore those scars, the scars the doctors in the hospital had said were the result of torture that Brian had been subjected to in Gilead, but he hadn't really allowed himself to think about them and to focus on them. And now his eyes were just drawn to the scars that covered a lot of Brian's upper body. Some of them were just small, like small pins of a needle, others were bigger and up to several inches long. Justin knew that Brian also had scars on his legs, but so far he hadn't really allowed himself to think about the origins of those scars. And now, now that he was really looking at them for the first time, he couldn't help but wonder what Brian had really been through in Gilead while they had been apart.

“Hey, you okay?” Brian asked him now when he noticed that Justin was still only in his briefs but had made no movements to continue getting dressed.

Justin noticed the immediate moment when Brian realised what he was staring at. He could see how tense Brian got, could see the tension spread all through the body he loved so much and he wasn't surprised when Brian lowered his gaze and immediately grabbed his shirt as if to quickly cover up the scars on his body.

“Don't,” Justin said quietly, waking up from his stupor and reaching for Brian's hand, effectively stopping him from putting on the shirt. “Don't,” he said again as he raised his eyes to meet Brian's.

His heart almost broke at what he saw there. Pain, fear, but most of all insecurity. Justin knew that Brian had always been proud of his body, had lived a very healthy life to keep the body he had, knowing that all of gay Pittsburgh envied him for it or wanted to have his body. His image as the Stud and his body had always been a wall of protection Brian had built around himself and Justin could only imagine what Brian had to feel like with that wall gone. And then something clicked in his brain. Something that he hadn't really given any thought to before but that made sense now.

“That's why you didn't take any trick home, isn't it?” He asked, his voice hardly above a whisper. Yes, Brian had always tricked in bars and clubs, but he had also always taken tricks home to spend the night. It had been how Justin had first gotten fucked by Brian. Of course Brian might have changed or might not have felt like taking a trick home last night, but deep down Justin knew that the real reason why Brian had returned home alone could be found in the scars on his naked body.

“I know it's not much to look at,” Brian gave back, his voice sounding cold and nonchalant about it. “So why show it?”

And Justin knew immediately what Brian was really saying. A quick fuck in the backroom, a quick blowjob in the backroom, neither required Brian to get naked or undressed, but taking a trick home, having sex in his home and bed, it would be rather unconventional not to get undressed which would mean revealing the scars on his body.

“Oh Brian,” Justin started, but was stopped by Brian's harsh voice interrupting him right away.

“I don't need your pity, so fucking keep it to yourself!”

Justin wasn't detered by Brian's harsh words and ran his hands over one particular nasty scar on Brian's ribcage, gently caressing it as he looked at Brian from sad eyes. “Will you tell me how you got them?”

“It doesn't matter,” Brian bit out, his eyes speaking of insecurity and pain more than anything else.

“It matters to me,” Justin whispered, feeling an intense sadness run through him.

Brian had always acted like his pain wasn't worth anyone's attention, like he could deal with everything himself and Justin knew that that wasn't true. At the end of the day Brian was just human as well and just like everyone else needed support as well. Only that Brian hated admitting that because to him it seemed like admitting weakness, something his upbringing had taught him he couldn't afford. Justin knew exactly where Brian's reaction came from and why he was reacting the way he was, but he wanted to know anyway. He loved Brian, cared about him and he wanted to share his pain. Wanted to help him share the burden.

When Brian tried to turn away from Justin's touch, Justin just followed the movement, always staying in Brian's line of sight.

“You matter to me,” he whispered, leading his hand up to gently caress Brian's cheek. Their eyes were still locked, speaking of the pain they both felt right now. “At the hospital...when they told me that you were alive...they told me that you had been...tortured,” Justin said, struggling to get the words out. He wasn't surprised when Brian closed his eyes against the pain and memory that word brought. It pained him as well, but Justin knew that this was important. It was important for Brian and it was important for them and their future. He just hoped that Brian would understand that as well.

“They... they said that your body showed signs of torture and...I...my mind came up with the most horrific images. And just imagining that... that any of what I might have imagined might have actually happened to you...No, I don't feel pity for you, Brian. Quite on the contrary. I feel awe. I am in absolute awe of your strength because... if any of what my mind came up with is true... I know I would be a mess and yet... here you are, taking whatever life throws your way. You have made it here, you have started a company, have fought for your son, have taken whatever shit I have thrown your way and... the whole time you had to deal with the memory of this as well,” Justin whispered, a single tear running down his face now as he rested his fingertips on the angry scar.

“I feel no pity for you, I am in absolute awe,” he said quietly, letting go of Brian's cheek and taking his hand instead, giving it a supportive squeeze. “I hope that one day... one day you might trust me enough again to tell me what happened because... the thought of you being all alone with these memories, it breaks my heart.”

Justin leaned in, closing the distance between his lips and Brian's, glad when Brian didn't hesitate and leaned in as well. They kissed gently for a minute, before Justin pulled back, looking at Brian from teary eyes. “Maybe one day you will let me help you like you helped me when I needed it after Prom,” he whispered, giving Brian's hand another squeeze and gently wiping away the tear that now ran down the older man's face.

Justin knew that he had said his piece and that everything else was now up to Brian. He leaned in for another gentle kiss, then moved away to get dressed. He watched as Brian played around with the shirt in his hands, obviously fighting an inner war with himself.

For a second Justin wondered if maybe he had done the wrong thing by saying what he had said, but then again he knew that Brian had needed to hear what Justin had to say. And he knew that in the long run this was something they would have to talk about. Maybe not today, not next week, but at one point they would have to talk about what had happened to each of them in the last couple of years when they had been separated. Otherwise he wasn't sure how they were supposed to have a future. He just hoped that Brian saw it the same way.

When he heard Brian's voice start speaking haltingly, Justin felt beyond surprised. He hadn't expected Brian to reply anything to what he had said, he had expected Brian to just ignore that the last five minutes had happened until he was ready to say anything more on the topic. Never would Justin have expected him to be ready that quickly, but maybe Brian had needed someone to listen to him for a long time already and had just needed the right push from the right person.

In any case, Justin immediately made his way over, led Brian to the bed and sat down with him, taking his hand between his own, holding it tight in a gesture of silent support.

“They...they took me to the local police station and started interrogating me right away. I didn't really know if you and Gus had gotten away and could just pray and hope that you had before they had noticed you as well. During the whole interrogation, I made it seem like it had just been me on my own and I hoped that they believed me and didn't know any better. They pushed me around, had fun beating me for being a traitor to Gilead and all that shit and I think it gave them a kick to point out that I would be dead by the next day. That I would be executed for deserting Gilead. I just hoped and prayed all day that you and Gus had made it across the border and... when I didn't hear anything about them finding you or arresting anyone else, I thought that you must have made it. I... then started making my peace with whatever was going to happen to me only that.... during the next night...he showed up...,” Brian stopped, taking a deep breath.

“Michael?” Justin asked, not really feeling surprised that he would be involved in whatever sorry tale Brian had to tell.

Brian just nodded before he went on. “He...he managed to get the execution halted and got me into some camp close to Washington, close to where he was. He... he had this sick sense of happiness about us being in the same place. He went on and on about us finally being together again, as if the years before hadn't happened at all...”

Justin squeezed Brian's hand, showing him that he was there and listening.

“They started interrogating me again and... this time... he got his party friends to help... They would hit me over and over again, though he would always make sure that they wouldn't touch my face. He said he had always liked my face and it would be a pity if something happened to my face. They got frustrated quickly when their beatings didn't get them anywhere. Though really, he should have known better... It never worked for Jack, why would he think it would work for them? I had experienced worse growing up and pretty much didn't care what they did to me, knowing that as long as you and Gus were safe, nothing would matter. And then... he came and joined the interrogation...”

“He?” Justin frowned, not quite sure who Brian was refering to.

“Your father... Had a bone to pick with me for making his precious golden boy gay and making him the laughing stock of the party...”

Justin gasped and felt his hand tighten around Brian's even more. He still didn't say anything though, knowing that this was Brian's story.

“He told me that they had caught you and Gus... that they knew I hadn't been on my own. That they knew we had been together when they had found the loft abandoned and me on that cliff. Said they had started searching in the river for you the minute they had seen me on the cliff and had gotten to you and Gus before you could make it across the border. He... he got off on telling me all these things they would do to you and Gus... were doing to you and Gus...How they were re-educating Gus and making him a good Gilead boy. How he was now living with Craig and his wife as their son and how it was only fair for him to take my son after I had taken his from him... How they had gotten to you and gotten you to beg for your life before... before they... executed you....”

Brian broke down then, tears running down his face unchecked, sobs wrecking his body. All Justin could do was hold the man close, hold him tight and whisper to him over and over that he was okay, that he was there and that they were fine.

It took long before Brian calmed down enough again to continue with his story. “He... he had this sick glee on his face when he told me how they had shot you...executed you for being the traitor that you were... And every day... Day after day they would tell me new details of your last minutes... of your last moments with Gus... of Gus begging to be left with you before they took him away and then they would tell me how much Gus now hated me... how much he had changed and supported Gilead... It went like that for months. Months on end. Maybe even years... They would just keep telling me these stories to torture me... to hurt me... saying that it was the least I deserved for being the deviant I was...”

Brian sniffed, before he looked up at Justin, meeting his eyes. “And... I believed them... Why wouldn't I? Someting inside of me... it just shut down... I don't know, like I snapped. Nothing mattered anymore... My brain just shut down and... I don't think they knew what to do with me anymore. They still kept beating me for sport, but I was mostly apathetic by that point... Your father... he lost interest in me when... when he wouldn't get a reaction from me anymore and I think... he just moved on to somewhere else...but Michael... he was always there... every day...Even though I didn't react to anything they were doing or saying to me, I still heard them and... every day he would tell me how I needed to snap out of it. Needed to get over it. How you had just been a piece of ass that was now gone and how it was better that way. How he had made a deal for us to be together one day... how I just needed to snap out of it and then he would make sure that we could be together the way we had always wanted to... When I wouldn't show any reaction... he brought in these doctors. He... he had them 'treat' me, he called it. To make me better, but... all I remember them doing was hurt me more.”

Justin couldn't help but wonder how delusional Michael must have been to think that Brian would ever end up with him. Yes, at one point they had been friends, but never more than that. There had been absolutely zero interest on Brian's part for anything beyond friendship and maybe loving Michael like a brother.

“Over time, they would take me to his office every day, so he could see me and check on me and... they became less and less careful around me, thinking that I had completely lost it by that point. I knew that most of the guards couldn't understand why I was still around, why Michael would keep me at the camp and would demand to see me every day, but I guess it was a blessing in disguise...”

“How?” Justin asked quietly, when Brian didn't go on after a while.

“One day they took me to Michael's office, but he wasn't there yet and they left me alone, thinking that I had lost it anyway and wasn't any harm which for the most part was true, but... when they left me there... they didn't count on me seeing the one thing I was never supposed to see...,” Brian couldn't help but smile slightly as he remembered that day. “There was a file on Michael's desk and... from where they left me, I could see that it had your name on it...And... I didn't quite know why they would have a file for you if you had already died years ago. That one thought made it through all the fog in my brain. All I could think was how that didn't make any sense and... I took the file and … it had these newspaper articles about you. About your career in Canada. The file said that you were in Toronto with Gus and... I knew then that I needed to get out of there and needed to get to Canada myself.”

Justin frowned, not sure what to make of that information. Why would they have a file about him and his life in Canada?

“When Michael came into the office, I confronted him. God, you should have seen his scared little ass. He hadn't expected any reaction from me at all and here I was tearing him a new one for having lied to me about you and Gus. Of course... me attacking someone that high up in the party didn't go over well with the guards, so... they punished me for it... They would put me in solitary confinement, would starve me, would hit me, would come to me at night and would knive me. They always made sure to keep whatever they were doing away from my face, so that no bruises or scars would show on my face during inspections, but... the rest of my body... they made it clear how they felt about me attacking their precious party friend.”

Brian pointed to a small scar that looked like a dot. He had several of those all over his upper body. “Michael had this friend in the guards... a right asshole and.... he would come in with his cigarettes and when he was done smoking, he would use me as the ashtray....”

He then pointed towards another scar on his chest, the one on his ribcage that Justin had tenderly caressed earlier.

“One time I had enough of him using me like his personal ashtray and I kicked him in his balls. He didn't like that. He pulled a knife and would knife me again and again with it.”

“He couldn't hide the injuries then because he almost killed me. It's how I got this,” Brian said as he pointed to the scar on his cheek. “They took me to the camp hospital and he never bothered me again afterwards. Apparently Michael was furious or so the doctors said and he had him transferred to be a guard in one of the mines. Things got better then, but only slightly... The guards still didn't like me and couldn't understand why I was kept alive and received such special treatment from Michael. They would still punish me whenever Michael wasn't around or in ways he couldn't see...”

Justin nodded, wiping away the tears on his face that were the result of Brian's tale.

“The whole time I was looking for a way out. Now that I knew that you and Gus were still alive and well, I knew that I needed to get out of there and needed to get to Canada. It was like my whole life had purpose again. Whatever the guards did to me, whatever bullshit Michael spouted, it didn't matter. Now I knew that you and Gus were well and I knew that I needed to find a way to get to you. I think Michael knew deep down how dangerous it had been that I had seen the information about you and he kept away from me more and more. I... I only saw him about once a month, if at all, afterwards, not that I am complaining. I was glad not to have to listen to his bullshit any longer...”

Justin could understand the sentiment and nodded. He squeezed Brian's hand in his, his voice emotional when he spoke. “How did you get away?”

“Time just passed and I honestly couldn't tell you if they kept me in solitary confinement for months or years or how long... It was this dark, windowless room and the only people I got to see were the guards when they checked that I was still alive or brought me food. The whole time, I was thinking about how to get out of there, knowing that there was almost no chance to make it out alive. There were a ton of guards just on the floor for the solitary confinement cells, not even talking about the guards around the camp. I mean... these camps... they are protected better than prisons and... I finally realised that my only way out was Michael.”

“Michael?”

“He was so high up, they would do whatever they had to to protect him. And that was my only chance. I...I just had to find the right moment. Every time he came to see me, I was wondering if that was the moment, but it never was the right moment until that final day when...when he came that bit too close. He usually stayed at the door with guards behind him while I was shackled to the wall, but this time... for some reason he came into the room and came close enough for me to grab him. I started choking him and threatened to kill him if they wouldn't step back. At first the guards didn't move and I thought that maybe I had miscalculated the situation and that that would be it...but then Michael, the fucking bastard involuntarily helped me by going into a panic. He started screaming, as well as he could while being choked by me, for them to step back and do as I demanded. When they stepped back, I got his gun and ordered him to open the shackles. I then used him as a personal shield, the whole time holding the gun to his head until we had made it out of the building.”

Justin listened to Brian's tale with rapt attention.

“I ordered him to get into his car and ordered him to drive North towards Buffalo. We were on the road for hours and everytime we got to a checkpoint, I would just point the gun at his head and they would let us pass. The whole time he was trying to talk me out of it and I swear to God I would have knocked him out if I hadn't needed him to pass those checkpoints.”

At that point Justin couldn't help but chuckle, quite happy when Brian turned to him with a small smile on his face as well. Yeah, he definitely understood the urge to knock out Michael. He had felt that urge many times before himself.

“When we got to Buffalo, I made him take me to Unity Island. I didn't really know what to do, I hadn't really thought my plan through in all detail which I know sounds crazy if you think about the fact that I had nothing better to do than work out this plan for years, but basically, my plan had been to use Michael to get me to the border and that was it. How to cross that border? No idea. So the only thing I could think of was Unity Island. It had worked for you and Gus and I could only hope that it would work for me as well.”

Brian took a deep breath, his voice now sounding surprisingly strong. “We made it to the cliff and I knew that I would only have minutes before we would be surrounded. I didn't really think and just used the gun to knock Michael out and before he had even hit the ground, before I could even see police come up to us, I had jumped off the cliffs into the river. I swam like crazy, my only thought being that I couldn't have them shoot me this close to making it. My lungs were burning, but I didn't care. I... I don't know if they even shot at me or not... All I can remember is swimming and swimming like I have never swum before. I... I was weak, I was malnourished and had no endurance at all, but I swear I've never swum like that before in all my life. And then... then I felt soil under my feet and I knew that I was in Canada. I knew that they couldn't shoot at me when I had reached Canadian soil. I... I've never been that relieved in my whole life...”

“God...Brian...I don't know what to say,” Justin whispered, still not letting go of the hand in his own.

They were silent for the longest time, before Justin turned to Brian with a question in his eyes. “Where did you get my phone number? They said they found you with my phone number.”

Brian ran a hand through his hair, before he chuckled. “On my way to Toronto... there was this lady at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. I probably scared the shit out of her, but... I asked her to google your name. I practically begged her to look you up. I don't know if she was feeling sorry for me or if she was scared that I might kill her if she didn't do it, but she did it... She looked you up and found your phone number.”

“I am so sorry you had to go through all of that,” Justin whispered, resting his head on Brian's shoulders. “And... that it was my father who... Fuck, that's so sick.”

Brian just nodded, resting his head against Justin's. “But it's over now, it's all in the past.”

Justin knew that he should be silent, he knew that Brian had already talked more than he had probably wanted to, but he just couldn't help himself. “Those nightmares,” he started, not surprised when he felt Brian tense right away. “Are they about those guards?”

Brian stayed quiet for the longest time, so long that Justin even thought that he would not be getting a reply at all, but then Brian's broken voice shattered his whole world. “They're about you... how they execute you... I... I see you dying over and over...”

Justin couldn't hold back his tears any longer at that point and threw his arms around Brian, pulling the crying man closer. He held him tight, trying to comfort him as best as he could. He knew how hard it had been for him when he had been told that Brian had died in Gilead. He knew how his whole life had fallen apart thinking that Brian had died and he could only imagine what that message out of his father's mouth had done to Brian, especially seeing how Brian had sacrificed everything to save Justin and Gus only to then be told that it had been for nothing and they had been caught and in Justin's case even killed anyway. He knew the pain Brian had gone through and could only imagine how hard those nightmares had to be on the man in his arms. At least he had never known how Brian had supposedly been killed and his fantasy had never tortured him with pretend images of Brian dying. His fucking father and Michael had known exactly what buttons to push and how to hit Brian where it hurt him the most. They had known that Justin had always been Brian's weak point and had hit him where it had hurt the most by painting the most horrific image Brian could imagine to begin with and repeating it over and over and keeping it in his memory at all times.

“I am here... I am alive, Brian... I am here with you and we are fine. They didn't win. They will never win,” Justin whispered over and over again, holding Brian tight and trying to comfort him as best as he could.

He had no idea how long they stayed like that, if it had been minutes or hours, but they stayed in each other's arms, crying for the injustice and the pain they had both gone through at the hands of people who were supposed to love them in a country that had once been their home.

Their silence was only interrupted when Justin's phone started ringing. Justin was tempted to just ignore it, but when it started ringing again and again, he knew that he should probably at least check who was trying to call him. It seemed urgent.

He grabbed his phone and frowned when he saw that it was Gus who had tried to call him several times. When he opened the message the boy had left him, he cursed.

“Shit.”

Brian slowly lifted his head and looked at Justin from red, puffy eyes. “What?”

“Gus is home. He's looking for me.”

Brian nodded, immediately knowing what went through Justin's head. “Go home,” he said quietly, his voice surprisingly strong.

“Why don't you come along? Have dinner with us,” Justin suggested, not wanting to leave Brian alone after the emotional day they had had and after everything that Brian had shared with him earlier. “Gus would love to see you.”

Brian slowly pulled back, getting out of Justin's embrace, looking at him from eyes that showed that he had already made a decision. “Not today... He shouldn't see me like this.”

“Brian,” Justin started, but was stopped by Brian's lips on his own.

“Go home,” Brian said quietly when the kiss broke. “I'll be fine. I promise.”

“I really don't want to leave you alone right now,” Justin said, looking at Brian from concerned eyes. “Let me call Daphne and see if she can watch Gus tonight.”

The older man just shook his head, then got up and finally put on the shirt that had been in his hands hours ago. “I think I want to be alone right now.”

“I don't know,” Justin said uncertainly, making it obvious that he didn't think much of the idea.

“Please... I need to be alone right now,” Brian said, meeting Justin's gaze head on. “I promise, I'll be fine, but... I just need some time to... process everything and... just...”

Justin watched the older man and could see that Brian had made up his mind. “Are you sure?”

“I am not going back on what we decided earlier,” Brian said quietly, taking Justin's hand in his own and pulling him up from the bed. “I still want you...us...this... I just need some time alone right now to make sense of everything going on in my head. I'll be fine.”

“I don't like this,” Justin huffed, as he grabbed his own shirt and pulled it over his head.

Brian chuckled as he made his way through the room, got Justin's pants and handed them to him. “I know and believe me, it does me good to know that. Just give me tonight and let me try to muddle through this on my own. Please.”

Justin finally nodded. “Okay.” He then walked over and gave Brian another kiss. “Can I at least call you later?”

“I expect you to,” Brian said, kissing the younger man back, before he led him towards the door of his apartment and watched him leave.

Chapter 27

“You didn't call and you didn't take any of my calls,” Justin said, his voice sounding concerned more than anything.

If Brian was honest with himself, he had expected Justin to be angry after he had ignored all his calls and texts the previous night and hadn't reached out to the younger man himself. Only that now Justin didn't seem angry at all, but only concerned and worried.

Brian sighed as he rubbed his eyes. “Justin...”

“I was worried,” the younger man said quietly as he walked closer towards Brian's desk. After Brian hadn't returned any of his calls or messages, Justin had finally had enough and had gone to Kinnetik directly. He had felt slightly bad about cornering Brian at his place of work, but he had been worried and needed to know that Brian was okay. Brian couldn't just tell him a story like the one he had shared the day before and then ignore him afterwards. Justin would not accept it and he would be damned if he didn't let Brian know what he thought about that.

He knew why Brian had ignored him, he knew the man well enough to know that Brian had probably been angry with himself all evening for having shared his story with Justin to begin with. Brian was probably thinking that he had shown weakness and Justin was now thinking less of him because he had seen that weakness, which couldn't be further from the truth. Yes, he knew how Brian's brain worked at times, especially where emotions were concerned and as much as it saddened him, he hadn't been surprised all that much when he had realised that Brian was actually ignoring him and his attempts to get in contact. It was typical behaviour for Brian and more than making him angry to be ignored, it mostly made Justin sad to see that in some ways Brian was still the man he had always been and hadn't changed at all.

“I am fine,” the older man replied, averting his gaze.

“You look like shit,” Justin immediately responded, noticing the dark rings under Brian's eyes. “Did you get any sleep at all last night?”

“Gee, thanks, Sunshine. I can always trust you to pay me compliments,” Brian hissed, before making a show of grabbing a file and opening it. “Is that it? I have a meeting in ten that I need to get ready for.”

Justin wasn't deterred by Brian's behaviour or words, being well versed in the Kinney Operating Manual and knowing what he was seeing right in front of him. He slowly made his way over and stood next to Brian's chair. He turned it around, making Brian face him, before he sat down in Brian's lap in one swift movement, running his fingers over the dark rings under Brian's eyes.

“You had the nightmare,” Justin stated, not even posing it as a question because he knew that it was true. How could it not be? How could Brian not be bothered by the memories and images in his head on the very night after he had opened his heart and soul and had shared those memories with Justin.

“I am fine,” Brian just repeated, trying to move his face away from Justin's gentle touch. “And I have a meeting coming up.”

Justin nodded, knowing that he wouldn't be getting anywhere right now, not with the mood that Brian was in. He leaned in for a quick kiss, happy when Brian at least didn't move away from that.

“Okay, I'll leave you alone,” Justin said as he got up from Brian's lap. “Will you come to dinner tonight? There is something I want to show you and I am sure Gus would love spending some extra time with you.”

Today was one of the days that Gus spent with Justin and he hoped that he could get Brian to come to the house with the prospect of some extra time with his son.

Brian sighed, but in the end nodded. “Fine.”

“Thanks,” Justin said sincerely, before leaning in once more, giving Brian a final kiss before he left him to get ready for his meeting. As he left, an idea formed in his head and he hoped that it would work and would be the right thing to do to make Brian see that there was nothing wrong with showing his real feelings. That showing emotions was nothing to be embarrassed about.

***

Dinner had been enjoyable, even though Brian had been quieter than usual. He had engaged in conversation and had replied whenever he had been asked something directly, but even Gus had noticed that something was off. When he had asked if Brian was alright, Brian had just replied that he hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and was tired. Gus had accepted that and had just enjoyed that his dad had come over for dinner.

After dinner Gus and Brian spent some time in Gus' room working on a project for school, but once they were done, Gus settled in front of his computer to play some game or other and Brian went in search of Justin. Not surprisingly, he found the younger man in his studio.

“Come in,” Justin said when he noticed Brian in the door. “I want to show you something.”

“So you said,” Brian replied as he slowly walked into the big room and looked around at the paintings displayed everywhere. Most of them were abstracts and Brian was quite blown away by them. He had always been impressed by Justin's talent, had always known that he had a lot of talent and was a great artist and these paintings just proved it. “Those are magnificent,” he said as he nodded towards a series of abstracts in bright colours that stood to the side of the studio.

“Thanks,” Justin smiled widely as he looked at the paintings Brian had been looking at. “Those are for my next show. I am quite happy with them myself.”

“You should be. They look amazing. You're very talented...,” Brian said as he wandered around the room and took in several other paintings as well. They were in different stages of being finished. Some had only just been started while others seemed to be done or almost done. “When is your next show?”

“In two months,” Justin said after he cleaned his hands and walked over to where Brian stood. “Those,” he nodded at some paintings he had only just started, “are commissions though, not for the show.”

“Commissions? So you've got your own fan club, huh?” Brian sounded impressed, knowing how Justin had told him many years ago that he hoped that one day he would be good enough to be able to live off his art alone. Which now seemed to have come true and seemed to have worked out just well from what Brian had seen. He had done some investigating and had quickly found out that a Justin Taylor original went from anywhere in the 4 digit to 5 digit region and that several of Justin's shows had been sold out completely. Adding commissions on top of that, it looked like Justin was able to make a decent living from his art.

Justin shrugged, not wanting to make too big a deal of it. “Some trusted buyers from the US who want to support talent from their old home...”

Brian noticed how Justin had called it US, by its old name and not Gilead and knew that he was talking about other refugees, other people who had left the country and abhorred what the US had turned into in the last ten years.

“Money is money,” Brian said, knowing that at the end of the day it didn't matter who bought Justin's art, just that people did.

“I guess,” Justin sighed, not really ready to get into the whole topic of him mostly being famous for being a refugee artist and the problems he had with that description. At the end of the day Brian was right. Money was money and it paid the bills and allowed him some freedom. So who cared what made people buy his art? They bought it and that was all that mattered.

“It's not what I wanted to show you though,” he quickly changed the topic before Brian could reply to that. “Sit down,” he nodded towards the futon in the corner of the room, telling Brian to make himself comfortable and to get a drink from the small fridge next to it if he wanted.

Brian couldn't help but chuckle to himself, noticing how well equipped Justin's studio was. A futon, a fridge. It was clear that he spent a lot of time in this room.

As Brian sat down and got comfortable with a bottle of beer, he frowned when Justin left the room. A couple of minutes later the young man returned, carrying some big frames in his arms. They almost seemed too big for him to carry. Brian got up and was ready to help him carry the large frames, but Justin just shook his head.

“Wait there. Don't look at them yet.”

Then he left the room again, only to return a minute later with two more frames. He made the same trip several times until in the end there were nine frames in total.

Justin had placed the frames in a way so that Brian could only see the back, but not what was on the painting. He wondered what Justin was on about and what he wanted to show Brian.

Once Justin was done placing the last frame in the room, he walked over towards the door of the studio and closed it quietly.

“Can you close your eyes for a second?” He asked as he walked back to the frames.

Brian wasn't quite sure what was going on, but did as he was asked and closed his eyes. After about two minutes, he felt Justin sit down next to him and felt him rest his hand on Brian's thigh, giving it a gentle squeeze.

“Open your eyes,” he said quietly, his voice sounding more emotional than Brian would have expected.

When he did, Brian's breath got stuck in his throat and his eyes widened for what he was looking at was their family. Their loved ones. The people who they had loved and who had loved them. All displayed in beautiful portraits, black and white paintings that only showed the best of each and every one of them.

Brian was looking at portraits of Debbie, Carl,Lindsay, Mel, Ted, Blake, Jennifer, Molly and last but not least at a portrait of himself.

Every portrait showed a smiling, happy person. Even he was smiling in his own portrait and his eyes were shining with happiness and mischief.

He couldn't help the tears that came to his eyes as he looked at these wonderful paintings of their family and loved ones.

“They are breathtaking,” he whispered after the longest time of silence during which he had just taken in each and every single portrait and had looked at each and every single person and had remembered how much they had meant to him.

Some more than others, obviously he would have been a lot closer to Debbie than Blake, for example, but all of those people in those portraits had been friends and family. And all of them had been taken away by Gilead.

Justin nodded, then rested his head against Brian's shoulder. His voice was quiet when he started speaking.

“When we came here and... finally got settled... when things calmed down... I realised that we didn't have anyting to remember them by. We only had the clothes on our back when we arrived here, no pictures, videos, nothing to remember these people by. And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted Gus to have something to remember our family by. I didn't want him growing up not remembering his moms or...you,” he finished quietly as he looked at the paintings as well.

“They are amazing. You captured them all so well,” Brian whispered, in awe of Justin's talent. He was looking at perfect images of his family. The way they would have loved to be remembered. And as he looked at these nine frames, he realised how much they had all lost to Gilead. Some of these people had died, others were lost and they didn't know if they were dead or alive. In any case they hadn't seen them in years and might never see them again. Gilead had taken away all these beautiful people from them. They had all lost so much.

“At first I thought I could do a show. Some theme like 'Innocence Lost' or something, you know? Outing Gilead for what it really is and showing the world how much Gilead has cost all of us... me...,but then... I couldn't...I just couldn't...”

“Why not?” Brian asked quietly, wrapping his arms around Justin's body and pulling him closer.

“It didn't seem right. It didn't seem right to share something that personal with the world...I...I have never shown these to anyone,” Justin finished, his voice hardly above a whisper.

“Not even to Gus? Or Ethan?” Brian asked, sounding surprised.

“I know that I started these for Gus and... one day I will show them to him, but... I couldn't... not so far...It's just been too painful. And Ethan...yes, he lost his boyfriend and... he understood about the loss and pain, but... he didn't know these people. He never met any of them. It just didn't seem right to share these with him when he had never met any of them and had no idea what they had been like and how important they had been in my life at one point or other.”

Realising that apart from Justin he was the first person to ever see these paintings, Brian felt incredibly honoured that Justin would share this with him, that Justin would trust him enough to show them to him.

“Why me?”

Justin shrugged, nestling his head further into Brian's shoulder. “It felt right,” he whispered and left it at that.

Brian nodded, but didn't reply. He just continued looking at the paintings, remembering each and every person displayed there, remembering what they had meant to him, remembering moments when they had laughed together, had cried together, moments when they had been a family.

“I miss them...,” Justin whispered and Brian followed his line of sight to the paintings of Jennifer and Molly Taylor. “Did he... did Craig ever... did he mention them?”

Jennifer and Molly had tried to make their way to Canada before Brian and Justin, but had never made it there. Nobody knew what had happened to them, if they had been caught or else. He wished that he could give Justin some comfort, he wished that he could tell him something, but he knew that he had to be honest.

“No, he didn't...”

Justin nodded, before burying his head in Brian's chest. When he cried and started sobbing, Brian held him close, allowing him his tears and pain for his mother and sister.

Brian felt the same pain when he looked at Debbie's painting. She had been the closest thing he had ever had to a mother and to know that her own son had had her locked away, so his standing in the party would be protected, made him angry beyond belief. He should have shot Michael when he had had the chance. He should have done it, but for some reason he hadn't. He had just thought about jumping and swimming across the river to Canada. That had been the only thought on his mind and now he cursed himself for not having taken his revenge on Michael for what that bastard had done to the only mother that had ever loved him.

Brian joined Justin's tears and together they cried for all the people they had lost, sharing the pain they both felt.

After the longest time, they both calmed down and Justin slowly pulled back, wiping the tears from his face.

“I don't know why I wanted to show you... I just knew I had to... I am sorry, I know this caused you pain,” he said as he looked at Brian's tearstained face.

“I am glad you did,” Brian replied sincerely, pulling Justin close and leaving a tender kiss on his forehead. “Seeing these...,” he nodded towards the paintings,”meant the world to me. I...I never thought I'd ever see any of them again, but your paintings... you captured them all so well... it's like they're right here with us.”

Justin nodded, knowing what Brian meant. He could feel their presence, the essence of each and every one of their friends and family members as well when he looked at these paintings.

“And you captured me quite well, I have to say,” Brian tried to joke, trying to lift the mood.

Justin tried to smile, but it turned into a grimace more than anything. “I couldn't paint this...I couldn't do this until over a year after we had been told that...you had died....” His voice haltingly continued as he once again rested a hand on Brian's thigh as if to reassure himself that the older man was really right there with him.

“My hand... it would act up... I would have cramps and... not just after hours and hours of painting which I am used to, but... right away. One or two strokes and then... it was done. I just couldn't do it. It was too painful and...then I just stopped. For the longest time I was just looking at the empty canvas and my breath would get stuck, my hand would cramp up and I literally couldn't paint. I just couldn't.”

“But you finished it,” Brian pointed out, looking at his portrait in awe.

“Because I knew that I owed it to you. I couldn't do this for everyone in the family, but not do it for you and...I think it was mostly just my brain not wanting to accept that you were gone... that's why my hand acted up... When I started the grief counseling... when I learned to deal with my pain and grief...it slowly got better. I slowly got more and more done. A couple of strokes at first and then my hand would cramp up, then half an hour here and there...and in the end it became like this personal battle of me against my grief, you know? And when it was finally done... it felt like I had won against the grief. It hadn't killed me, it hadn't won against me, but I had won against it! I was still here, still alive and neither Gilead nor grief nor my fucking hand would stop me from showing my love for you in the only way I had left.”

Brian felt beyond moved by Justin's words and once again pulled him closer. He kissed the top of his head as a single tear ran down his cheek.

“You are amazing...do you know that?”

They stayed in the studio for hours until it was well after midnight. The longer they had stayed, the more their conversation had turned into a memorial for the people they had lost. They shared memories of the people in the paintings, shared moments that had meant a lot to them that they had shared with these people. It had been emotional, but also nice. Some memories had made them laugh, some memories had made them remember good moments they had shared as a family when times had been better. The evening had turned into a nice memorial for their little Liberty Avenue family.

Once they both felt drained, Brian helped Justin store the paintings in the attic, where no one else would see them. Justin felt horrible about storing these paintings in the attic, but at the same time he wasn't ready for anyone else to see them yet which Brian accepted. He knew that this was about Justin's pain and his grief and as much as he had loved the paintings and would wish for Justin to share them with Gus and Emmett and Daphne, he also knew that it was not his place and that Justin would have to be the one to make that decision.

He was sure that it had already been hard enough for Justin to make the decision to show these paintings to Brian and Brian felt incredibly honoured for the trust Justin had shown him by doing so.

When all the paintings had been stored, Brian and Justin went to the hallway and stood next to the front door.

“You could stay, you know?” Justin suggested, looking at Brian from big blue eyes.

“I wish I could, but I have an early meeting tomorrow,” Brian said, sounding honestly sad. “I should leave.”

“This is not about Gus, is it?” Justin questioned, raising an eyebrow.

Brian shook his head. “I think we both have enough experience sneaking in and out of houses unseen to not have to worry about him seeing me in the morning.”

Justin chuckled, knowing that Brian was right. Sneaking in and out of Debbie's house with the thin walls and loud creaking stairs had definitely trained them well.

“Another time,” Brian promised as he leaned in and kissed Justin. They kissed for several minutes, before their kiss broke. Justin sighed, but nodded, knowing that Brian was probably right. Only that Justin didn't really want him to leave. He had seen Brian earlier that day and had seen the effects of the previous sleepless night on him and he was worried that after their emotional evening another sleepless night would be on the horizon. He cursed himself for not having thought about that before he had gone ahead with showing Brian the paintings.

As if reading Justin's thoughts, Brian smiled at the younger man. “I am okay. You don't have to worry about me.”

“I'll always worry about you,” Justin replied without thinking.

“That's my job,” Brian smiled, before kissing the younger man once more. When the kiss broke, he moved towards his car, but stopped when Justin held his arm and looked at him pleadingly.

“Just wait one minute, okay?” he asked, then went back inside and rushed up the stairs and came back a minute later holding what looked like a worn t-shirt in one of his hands. He handed it to Brian who took it in confusion. Brian looked even more confused when he saw a pillow in Justin's other hand.

“Don't make fun of me, okay?” Justin started as he looked at the t-shirt in Brian's hands and then up at his raised eyebrow. “When... when I had my nightmares... after Prom... it helped me to know that you were there. But... you couldn't always be there, so... when you weren't and when I had to go to sleep without you... I...I always kept one of your shirts nearby.”

“Kinky,” Brian chuckled, but then turned serious when he saw the expression on Justin's face.

“The smell... it made me fool myself into believing that you were there with me and...I know it doesn't have to work for you just because it worked for me, but... it helped me keep the nightmares away when you weren't there...And maybe... maybe it will help you as well. You didn't have the nightmares when...when we spent the night together. Just try it, okay?”

Justin's face looked earnest and Brian could see that the younger man wasn't making fun of him, but was serious. This had helped Justin and now he wanted to help Brian as well. It was actually kind of sweet, so Brian nodded in reply.

Justin then held out the pillow. “Smell it.”

Brian took a sniff and frowned when he recognised the smell. It was a smell that was as familiar to himself as Justin's smell was.

“I never stopped doing it...When... when we came here... I didn't have anything of yours, so... for the longest time I have been using your brand of cologne to make me remember the smell of you and...falling asleep, smelling you... it's been a great comfort,” Justin said, his voice full of emotion. “I know you don't believe in these kind of things, but... just try it, okay? You're officially allowed to make fun of me after you have tried.”

Brian pulled the younger man close and held him tight. “I would never make fun of you.”

“Yes, you would,” Justin snorted, knowing that this time he was the one who was right. “And I promise I'll take all your teasing once you've given it a try.”

Knowing that Justin had looked right through him and knew him that well, Brian bashfully looked down at the younger man. “You got it. I promise!”

With Justin's shirt in his hand, he got into his car a couple of minutes later, having made sure to give the younger man a proper goodnight kiss before he left.

Chapter 28

In the coming weeks Brian and Justin tried to spend as much time together as they could without looking suspicious in front of Gus, their friends or Brian's employees. Justin would come by for quick lunch visits at the office or Brian would visit Justin at home whenever Gus was out of the house.

They quickly figured out ways to have a very healthy sex life and every once in a while when Gus stayed with one of his friends or that one week he had been on a class trip, they had even been able to fit in some overnight stays during which they had made the most of their time together.

It had soon become obvious that both Brian and Justin had been serious about giving their relationship another try and that sneaking around wasn't really what they wanted. They wanted more, they didn't want to hide and they wanted to spend as much time together as they could without having to worry that they would be caught. Not that what they were doing was bad or forbidden, but both had been aware that they needed to work things out between themselves first before they could let Gus know about their new relationship.

Which had finally led to the conversation they both knew they needed to have and had both dreaded for weeks. Only that they hadn' been able to run from it any longer. Gus had been on a week long class trip which Justin had basically spent living at Brian's apartment. The moment after they had said goodbye to Gus at his school, Justin had packed a bag and had made his way to Brian's apartment where he had stayed until it had been time to return to the school and pick up Gus on his return.

Justin smiled as he thought back to the last morning that he had spent in Brian's bed.

“Brian,” he giggled as Brian was nibbling on his ear playfully, wrapping his arms around Justin's waist and holding him tight. “Let me go...”

“Don't want to,” Brian whispered as he continued to nibble on Justin's earlobe playfully. “You taste so good...”

“Brian, I have to go. I need to get home and unpack before I head to the school to pick up Gus.”

“Stay,” Brian whispered as he moved back and made Justin lie back on his back, towering over the blond. “We can fit in one last round and then you can just head to the school with me. I can take you and Gus home then.”

Justin smiled as Brian's mouth moved down from his earlobe to his neck and then down his chest. “As tempting as that sounds, I don't want to explain to him why I have a bag full of clothes with me.”

“Clothes you didn't need by the way,” Brian pointed out as he gently bit Justin's left nipple, then moved to the right one and started teasing that one.

Justin gasped, liking what Brian was doing. This last week had been so good. They had mostly spent the week naked in bed, exploring each other's bodies in whatever way possible. They had only left the apartment for food and Brian had left twice for meetings at work that couldn't be postponed. Other than that, it had just been the two of them, the bed and lots of sex. Great sex, breathtaking sex. Sex that Justin would miss once he would return home and they would have to start sneaking around again. This week had been so great. They had been able to do what they wanted and get at it whenever they had felt like it. The freedom had been so great for both of them. Justin knew that it had been exactly what both he and Brian had needed.

“I didn't know that you would keep me in bed all the time I was here,” Justin replied, writhing under Brian's touch, trying to get away, knowing that he really needed a shower and then needed to get a move on.

“Bad judgement on your part, Sunshine,” Brian smirked, leaning up and looking at Justin's blue eyes. “How long have you known me?”

Justin nodded, knowing that Brian was right. “True,” he therefore agreed, leaning up to claim Brian's lips in a sensual kiss. “And I am not complaining. It was a great week.”

“Hmmm, it was,” Brian agreed, kissing the younger man some more.

Justin playfully shoved Brian away when the kissing stopped and they both tried to get their breathing back under control. “I really need to get going, Brian.”

Brian sighed, before he nodded in acceptance, knowing that Justin was probably right. He rolled back onto his back, looking up at the ceiling. “Alright.”

“You can come over later. You know? Dinner, spend the night...,” Justin waggled his eyebrows suggestively, making it clear what he was talking about.

“Back to sneaking around, huh?” Brian muttered and Justin frowned at the tone of his voice. Seconds ago it had all been playful, but now Brian sounded serious as hell.

“Brian?” Justin frowned, leaning over to look at the older man's hazel eyes which had clouded over. “Hey, talk to me.”

“It's nothing. You're right. We should get going if you don't want to be late to pick up Gus,” Brian said, moving to sit up and get up to leave the bed.

Justin frowned and reached a hand out to touch the older man's shoulder. “Hey, what's happening here?”

“We should get going. It wouldn't do to be late picking up Gus,” Brian replied, his voice now all matter of fact and no emotion. He slowly got up and started moving towards the bathroom.

Justin looked after him and played their conversation over in his head, trying to make sense of what was happening. He had a feeling that he knew what was going on, but he wasn't really sure, so his next statement was just a shot in the dark really.

“I don't want this to be over either. It's okay to say it.”

Brian stopped on his way to the bathroom, but didn't say anything. Justin felt like he had hit the nail on the head and slowly sat up as well, pulling the blanket around his body as if to protect it from the cold only that it wasn't really cold. He just needed the blanket for comfort at this point.

“You don't have to pretend that you don't care that the week is over. You don't have to be all cold and matter of fact about it. You can tell me the truth,” Justin started, his voice understanding and sincere. “I don't want it to be over either. I hate that we're going back to sneaking around come tonight... does admitting that make me any less of a man?”

Justin could see Brian's body tense, knowing that he had been right. He had always known that Brian had had problems admitting his feelings and emotions and had always acted like having feelings was a sign of weakness which to Justin was total bullshit. He knew where Brian's issues had come from and over the years he had gotten used to Brian being Brian. He knew that Brian had never been one for huge verbal declarations of love. Brian had never been one to bare his soul and reveal his emotions for anyone to see and Justin had accepted that, had known that it was just who Brian was and he had loved the man anyway, but he would be lying if he wasn't admitting that it hurt him that Brian wasn't even honest with him about his feelings. He would have thought that after everything they had been through by now, Brian would know that he could trust Justin not to make fun of his feelings and emotions.

“You think you're hiding your feelings so well, but... I know what you're feeling. I can see it in the way you behave. I can see it in how tense you are right now. I know what you're feeling even if you don't admit it to me, but...I wish that...I wish that you could. That you would know that you can trust me with your feelings and that I won't make fun of them or you for that matter... I wish that you would trust me enough to share with me what I share with you as well,” Justin said quietly, pulling the blanket even tighter.

There was an uncomfortable silence between them for the longest time, before Brian slowly turned around and met Justin's gaze. “I trust you,” he said and his voice spoke of the honesty of that statement. “It's not that.”

“Then what is it?” Justin asked, his voice speaking of his pain, frustration and also confusion.

Brian sighed, absentmindedly running his hands over his chest. “It's just not who I am,” he finally said, before he lowered his head.

“I know that you don't want me to leave and that you don't want to go back to sneaking around. I can see it and I can hear it in every word you say and don't say... but... we need to communicate. How are we supposed to make this work between us if you don't tell me what you're feeling? What if... what if there is something I can't read?”

“It doesn't matter,” Brian said, slowly moving back to the bed and sitting down on its edge. “This is not about me.”

“No, this is about us. And... us is two people. You and me! We both matter. This is not just about me being happy and me getting what I want. This is also about you. Your happiness, Brian!”

“I am happy,” Brian said quietly which made Justin move over and engulf the larger man in a hug from behind.

“You don't look very happy right now,” Justin pointed out, resting his chin on Brian's shoulder as his arms wrapped around Brian's upper body. “Tell me what's going on inside your head. Please.”

Justin left a small kiss on Brian's temple, just a small silent gesture to show Brian that he was here to listen.

“You don't want to know,” Brian muttered. “It's not important.”

“It's important to me. You are important to me!”

“It's not pretty,” Brian whispered after several minutes of silence in which he had obviously fought with himself to decide whether or not he should tell Justin the truth of what was going on in his head.

“I don't care. I love you. All of you. The good, the bad and the ugly. All of it,” Justin gave back, still holding the older man tight in his embrace.

“I don't want you to leave,” Brian said quietly and Justin nodded.

“I know... I don't want to leave either...”

“But it's not for the reason you might think,” Brian continued as if Justin hadn't spoken.

“Okay, what is the reason?”

“I mean... obviously the sex is great and having you here is nice and all, but... that's not why I want you to stay,” Brian admitted and Justin could feel how tense the man got under his embrace. He could feel the tension spread all through Brian's body.

“Why do you want me to stay?” Justin asked quietly, slowly moving to sit down next to Brian, taking his hand in his own and holding on tightly in support. He could see how hard it was for Brian to speak about this. Whatever this was.

“You keep the nightmares away,” Brian admitted, his voice hardly above a whisper.

Justin's heart broke for the man by his side and he held on tight to the hand in his own. He knew about Brian's nightmares, but Brian had told him that the shirt had been helping. That he had been doing better sleeping with one of Justin's worn shirts in bed with him. Justin could remember how embarrassed Brian had been when he had admitted to Justin that it seemed to be working and Justin had noticed the change in Brian afterwards. Had noticed how he had looked more rested and had looked like he was indeed sleeping more. So this confession surprised him a bit if he was honest.

“What about the shirt?” He asked, leaning closer to Brian.

“It's helping...but... it's not the same as having you here. It's... keeping them away most of the times, but...,” Brian sighed, “but not always. You always keep them away.”

Justin knew that Brian had never had a nightmare when they had spent the night together, but he had thought, maybe naively so, that the nightmares were gone completely now. He hadn't known that Brian still had them.

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“And admit that I am a sissy that's afraid to go to bed alone?” Brian snorted derisively.

“Don't say that,” Justin immediately shot back, his voice angry. He turned to look at Brian, his eyes shooting daggers at the older man. “Is that what you thought of me? That I was a sissy?”

Justin pulled back, letting go of Brian's hand in his own. His face spoke of the hurt Brian's words had caused him.

“What? No!” Brian frowned, not quite sure why Justin would say that. “You know I didn't. You were so strong... you are the strongest person I know!”

“I am strong and you're a sissy? We're talking about the same thing here, Brian. That makes no sense...”

“You were young, barely an adult,” Brian started only to be interrupted by Justin right away.

“Don't make this about my age. My age had nothing to do with it. We both went through something very traumatic and … we both were plagued by the memories of it afterwards. You're not a sissy for having nightmares. After what you've been through... I would be a mess. And here you are... having a successful business, being a good father. You always do this, you know? You always put your own achievements down. And it hurts me. It fucking hurts me to see you do that. You should be proud of yourself, Brian! I am proud of you. So fucking proud, you have no idea! After what you've been through... the way you fought back... you say I am strong? Well, look into the fucking mirror, Brian. You are the strongest person I know. I just wish you could see it.”

Justin had gotten up and had started pacing the room, talking himself into a rage.

“You are so fucking strong and I am in awe of that strength day in and out. So what if you have nightmares every once in a while. That doesn't make you a sissy. Just like my nightmares didn't make me a sissy. I wish you wouldn't always put yourself down like that... I wish... I wish you could see what I see when I look at you and that you could see why I love you so much...”

He stopped pacing then and turned towards Brian. “You do know that I love you, right?”

Brian heard the insecurity and immediately cursed himself for having brought it to Justin's voice.

“Of course.”

“Then...you need to know that I love you no matter what. Nothing you could tell me about your feelings will change that. I... I need you to be honest with me, Brian. We can't do this if we're not honest with each other. I need you to tell me what you feel even if you think it might not be something I want to hear, even if you feel like it might make you seem weak, which I can promise you, you aren't. You are the strongest person I know and standing up for yourself and your own feelings won't change that.”

Justin then walked over to Brian's place on his bed and sat down next to him again. “Be honest with me, Brian. What do you want?”

“I don't want you to leave,” Brian admitted quietly, looking at Justin from pained eyes. “This week...It felt so good. I... I want to always feel like this. When... when you're not here...I don't feel complete, like a part of me is missing. I don't want to feel like that any longer,” he said quietly and when he was done speaking, he seemed surprised by himself for having said all he had said.

Justin smiled at him encouragingly, running his hand over Brian's thigh. “That's good, because I don't want to be without you either. You make me happy. Being with you makes me happy. This whole sneaking around thing... I know why we did it, but... it always makes me feel like we're doing something wrong... like we're back in Gilead and have to hide... which we don't have to. Not anymore. We're here, we're safe, we're still together... I want to embrace that, Brian. I want to be with you.”

Justin smiled when he saw a small smile break out on Brian's face. He reached out with his hand and gently traced the smile with his fingers. “I want to see you smile a lot more. You deserve to be happy, Brian. You deserve to get what you want. We deserve it.”

Brian nodded, knowing that Justin was right. Deep down he knew it, but still it was hard to admit to his feelings.

“So... now we have to figure out how to make that possible,” Justin said matter of factly, leaving a tender kiss on Brian's shoulder before he rested his head in that spot. “What do you want us to do?”

“Shouldn't we decide together?” Brian chuckled, knowing at least that much about relationships and compromising. “Last I looked you also had a say in this.”

“Yeah,” Justin chuckled as well,”but I know that if I go first and say first what I want, you will just go ahead and do it to make me happy. This is about making you happy as well, so I want to hear what you want us to do and then I'll tell you what I was thinking and we'll figure it out from there.”

Brian was ready to argue with that logic, but when Justin turned around and looked at him from stern eyes, he knew that he wouldn't be getting out of this one. Justin expected him to go first and he would have to go first. He realised that much.

“I... I want us to tell Gus. I don't want us to have to sneak around like we're doing something forbidden. He should know and I think we're also ready to tell him,” Brian started, encouraged by Justin nodding at him in agreement.

“I agree,” the younger man said, smiling a sunshine smile at Brian.

“And...,” Brian started, but then hesitated.

“You can tell me, Brian,” Justin said gently, trying to encourage the older man to continue.

“I want us to move in together. I am tired of not being able to spend time with you and always having to organise schedules and... I guess that would become easier once we tell Gus, but still... I don't want to be without you... Not if I don't have to be.”

Justin's smile widened, making his whole face shine. “Same here.”

“So... the question is...,” Brian started, hating that his voice sounded so insecure. Brian Kinney didn't do insecurity. He was confident, some even called it arrogant. So why was he so insecure all of a sudden? This was Justin he was talking to. The man he had literally trusted with his son's life and would trust with his own life without hesitation. Why couldn't he just say what he knew he wanted to say?

“Where?” Justin supplied, nodding in agreement.

“I guess the sensible thing would be for me to move into your house,” Brian started. “It's Gus' home. You have your studio there. It's bigger than this apartment.”

Justin frowned. He could hear Brian's words, but he knew that the man didn't mean them. “You hate the house,” he therefore stated, knowing that it was the truth. “Honesty, Brian. Remember?”

“I don't hate it,” the older man immediately defended, but Justin saw right through him.

“Fine, you don't like it.”

Brian was quiet for the longest time, then hung his head. “No, I don't.”

“It's okay, Brian. That's why we need to talk. I wouldn't want you to move into a house that you don't like. I wouldn't want you to compromise for my sake. This is why we need to talk.”

“It's your home. It's Gus' home,” Brian started, but was stopped by Justin with a gentle finger on his lips.

“But it isn't yours. I get it, Brian. I do...”

Knowing that he had promised Justin honesty, Brian knew that he needed to explain a bit more. He nodded, because Justin was right, it wasn't his home and it never would be, but probably not for the reason the man thought.

“It's not because of the style of the house,” Brian started, actually surprising Justin with that statement.

Justin had thought that Brian hated the house because it was a typical hetero family home. White picket fences, the whole conservative cliché that Brian hated so much. Brian loved modern designs, open floor spaces, the loft had been proof of that and the house was nothing like that. It was a cute little family home which was probably Brian's worst nightmare as far as homes were concerned.

When he saw the surprise on Justin's face, Brian continued. “I mean... I don't love it. It's not my style, but... I don't really care... If this is what you and Gus want, I don't care.”

“Then what is it?” Justin urged Brian to continue.

“It's the home that you and Ethan built. It's... I don't feel like I belong there... I don't feel like there is a place for me in that house.”

“Brian, that's not...,” Justin started, but then stopped. He had urged Brian to be honest and Brian had been honest. If this was how Brian was feeling about the house, who was Justin to tell him that his feelings were wrong? And on a certain level Justin could even understand what Brian was saying. The house had Justin's and Ethan's touch all over it. It had been the home they had created for Gus when they had thought Brian had been dead.

“I would feel like an intruder there,” Brian said quietly, before he hung his head.

Deep down Justin had known that Brian didn't like the house. Every time Gus was gone, Brian would ask Justin to stay with him at his apartment. He only came to the house when Gus was around and probably only because it was more convenient to do so, not because he really liked spending time at the house.

“I didn't know you felt that way,” Justin admitted, looking up at Brian. “Why didn't you tell me before?”

“It doesn't really matter, does it? I mean... there's not much we can change about it...”

“Well, I am sure we can. We just have to figure out how...Do you want us to move here?” Justin asked and was surprised when Brian shook his head right away.

“No,” Brian said, sounding absolutely sure. “This apartment is too small and there would be no studio space for you.”

“I can always rent a studio somewhere,” Justin pointed out.

“And have to leave the house when your muse strikes you in the middle of the night? Yeah, not going to work, Sunshine,” Brian argued, remembering very well at what weird hours of the night inspiration sometimes struck Justin. Brian knew that Justin had chosen the house with studio space, so he could paint whenever inspiration struck him and without having to worry about Gus being left on his own. Brian didn't want to take that away from Justin. He still wanted him to keep his studio space in his home so he could paint whenever he felt like it.

“So...what do we do?” The younger man asked, waiting for Brian to say the obvious.

“I want us to look for a place together. With Gus, if he wants to. It will be his home, too. It should be a place we all like and are comfortable with,” Brian said quietly and Justin smiled when he heard what Brian had said.

“Sounds perfect,” he whispered, leaning in to kiss Brian. “Sounds absolutely perfect!”

That had been the day when they had decided to find a new family home, a new house that would mark a new beginning for their family. Justin could still remember like it had only been yesterday and a wide smile spread on his face as he picked up the folders Brian had left earlier that morning when he had been by. Folders that had been sent to his office by their realtor with suggestions for places they might like. Justin couldn't wait to check them out and couldn't wait to show them to Gus and Brian later. He just couldn't wait to enter this new phase of their life together.

Chapter 29

Brian sat in his office, looking at some emails on his computer screen. His mind kept drifting though and he couldn't really concentrate. He was counting the hours before the day was over and he could head to Justin's place so they could look at those houses together. When he had come to the office this morning and had seen the files from the realtor, he had just given them a quick glance and had then taken them to Justin's place, so the younger man ould look at them in more detail. At the end of the day Brian knew that he would be fine with whatever Justin decided, knowing that he would be happy as long as they were together in their new home.

Thinking about them looking for a new home brought back memories of that day when they had made the decision to move in together and thinking about that decision also made Brian's mind wander back to the other conversation they had had the same day as the conversation about moving in together. The conversation with Gus about them being in a relationship again.

As their conversation had taken so long, both Brian and Justin were now in a mad rush to make it in time for Gus' return. They had decided that Justin would head right home to get rid of his bag of clothes and Brian would pick up Gus from his school where he was supposed to return after his class trip.

After a quick shower and barely a word of goodbye, Brian had hardly made it to Gus' school in time for the bus to pull into the parking lot. When Gus got off the bus, he seemed happy enough to see his father, though he was slightly surprised that it was his dad picking him up and not Justin as had been agreed before.

“Hey, sonny boy. How was your class trip?” Brian asked, as Gus came over to where Brian had waited for him, waiting for him to say goodbye to his friends and to pick up his bag.

They had texted a couple of times and talked once while Gus had been away on his class trip and he knew that Gus had seemed happy enough about the trip.

“It was good. I am tired though. We hardly slept last night,” the boy admitted, underlining his statement with a big yawn.

“Well, I better get you home then,” Brian chuckled, taking Gus' bag and storing it in the trunk of his car while his son got into the passenger seat.

When Brian got into the car as well, Gus turned to him. “Where is Justin? I thought he was supposed to pick me up?” He asked with mild interest.

“Something came up and he was running late, so I offered to get you,” Brian explained, trying to look as sincere as he could. Something had indeed come up. And several times, but he wasn't going to tell Gus about that.

Gus nodded, accepting that reply. “Cool. Are we going to your place?”

“Nah, I am taking you home. He's home by now. He was just running late for picking you up,” Brian explained as he started the car and went into the direction of Justin's house.

Gus nodded once more, but seemed too tired to really say much. He leaned his head against the window and looked out at the street as they headed home.

Brian turned towards Gus when they stopped in front of a red traffic light. “I take it you had a party then last night?”

“Not really a party. We're only 14,” Gus chuckled, sounding very tired indeed. “We spent the night talking with some of the girls from the room next door,” he admitted, his cheeks blushing slightly.

“And I take it your teachers were not aware of this conversation with the girls happening?” Brian asked with a raised eyebrow, sounding slightly amused. He could still remember all the shit he and Michael had gotten up to when they had been in high school and some of the stuff he and his mates on the soccer team had gotten up to when they had been away on trips. Sneaking into other people's rooms was only the beginning of what they had done.

“Nooooo,” Gus said as if Brian was stupid. Of course the teachers hadn't known.

“And you were only talking?” Brian asked, now sounding more serious. Gus was only 14, but Brian was well aware of the stuff he had gotten up to at that age and if he was honest, it scared him that Gus was growing up and getting to that age of being a teenager. Both he and Justin had sat through very embarrassing but important conversations with Gus about always being safe, no matter what he did, be it with a girl or a boy and they could only hope that they had gotten through to the boy with the message of safety first.

When Gus blushed some more, but didn't reply, Brian had his answer. And it worried him if he was honest with himself.

“Gus, I just want you to remember that whatever you do... please be safe, okay? Always use a condom, no matter what!”

“Jeez, Dad! We didn't have sex. There were like ten people in the room,” Gus immediately exclaimed, looking quite outraged by what his father had been thinking. “We just kissed...”

“And this girl... or boy... that you've been kissing,” Brian started, to be interrupted by Gus right away.

“A girl,” The boy admitted.

“Okay, girl. Do you like her?” Brian asked, trying not to cringe at having asked this question. God, he sounded like he imagined a parent to sound and he had never imagined that he would be the one to have this conversation with Gus. He had only meant to tease his son a bit and now they had moved into this kind of conversation that was clearly more of Justin's territory than his. How had that happened?

“I guess,” Gus said quietly after several seconds of silence in which he had just watched the street.

Brian nodded, noticing his son's embarrassment and feeling his own as well. He decided to let it rest for now, for both of their sakes. “Just be careful, okay? And... if you... have questions... you know you can talk to me or Justin? Preferably Justin.”

That actually made Gus chuckle which in return caused Brian to smile as well. “Just saying.”

“Alright, Dad.” Gus snorted, as they pulled into their street, getting close to their house. “I'll keep that in mind.”

A minute later they pulled into their driveway and Gus made his way out of the car, immediately heading for the door of the house, leaving Brian to take care of his bag.

As Brian got the bag from his trunk, he grumbled something about 'teenagers', then followed his son into the house where he found Gus and Justin in a hug in the hallway.

It was obvious that Justin had already started with the questions and Gus gave him the same replies he had given Brian fifteen minutes earlier. The class trip had been good. He was very tired, but fine and yeah, it had been great.

When their hug ended, Justin nodded towards the stairs. “Why don't you go upstairs and lie down for an hour or two while I get some dinner ready?”

“Sounds awesome,” Gus enthused and then immediately headed for his room. Both Brian and Justin looked after him, before Justin turned to Brian with a smile.

“So you got demoted to porter?”

“Looks like it,” Brian shrugged as he let go of the bag and left it in the hallway. When they heard the door to Gus' room close, they closed the distance between them and met in a quick kiss.

“Missed you,” Justin admitted as he pulled Brian closer.

“I was only gone for 45 minutes.”

“Still...,” Justin whispered, before he broke the kiss and led Brian towards the kitchen.

When he poured coffee for both of them, he frowned when he saw the serious expression on Brian's face. “Everything okay? You're not getting cold feet, are you?”

Brian tried to smile at Justin and shook his head. “No, never.”

“Then what is it? Something is clearly bothering you.”

“It's just that... I think sonny boy might be straight. He kissed a girl last night,” Brian said seriously, his face twisting as if he was in pain. He looked up at Justin and had expected many reactions to his announcement, but not the one he got.

Justin burst out laughing. “And that's got you worried?”

“What the hell do I know about straight sex?”

“Well, you had it...so... I guess something,” Justin pointed out, still laughing.

“I was drunk as you very well know,” Brian reminded Justin, still looking slightly uncomfortable.

“Well, one kiss doesn't mean he's going to have sex anytime soon,” Justin reasonably pointed out. “He's only 14.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “You don't want to know the shit I did when I was 14.”

“Hey,” Justin said, noticing that this really seemed to bother Brian. He moved over and sat down at the kitchen table, pulling Brian down into the chair next to his, looking him right into his worried hazel eyes. “Gus is not you. And in any case, we had the talk with him. Both you and I. We prepared him as well as we could. I guess a reminder might be needed, but... really that's all we can do. You know there's not much more we can say or do. God knows I didn't pay attention to anything my parents were saying to me at that age,” Justin admitted only making Brian shudder more.

“Hey,” he continued when he saw Brian's concerned face. “Gus is very responsible. Don't worry. He'll be fine.”

“I gave him a reminder in the car on the way home. And... I told him to speak to us if he had questions. Preferably to you,” Brian said quietly.

“Thanks, I guess,” Justin snorted, making Brian chuckle with his reaction.

“You're way better at this shit than I am,” the older man said, giving Justin's hand a squeeze.

“That's not true and you know it. You're a great dad,” Justin said seriously, looking right at those hazel eyes he loved so much. “I know I haven't always told you when I should have, but... you are, Brian! Gus loves you so much and he's so lucky to have you.”

“I'll remind you of that the next time he's pissed with me,” Brian winked, seemingly moving out of his mood for which Justin was grateful. He didn't like when Brian doubted himself and his ability as a father and Justin knew very well that he had played a big part in Brian doubting himself as a father and he felt bad about it. If he could make his actions from the last year undone, he would, but he knew that he couldn't, so all he could do was be there whenever Brian doubted himself and to make him believe that he was indeed a great father. Which he was. Gus loved Brian and Justin knew that the boy was very lucky to have Brian as his father. Brian would do anything to make Gus happy which Justin knew to be the truth without a doubt. All of Brian's actions over the last year had proven that and Gus was lucky to be loved by Brian like that.

Justin shrugged and laughed. “He's a teenager. It will happen more often than not. It won't change the fact that you're a great dad and he's lucky to have you.”

Underlining his statement, Justin leaned in and gave Brian a kiss. “Just like I am lucky to have you as well.”

“Hmmmmm, I am the lucky one, Sunshine,” Brian whispered into the kiss, pulling Justin closer.

They kissed for a few minutes, before Justin pulled back with a smile on his face. “Maybe we're both lucky,” he said, his eyes shining with happiness.

When Brian nodded, Justin leaned in once more and gave him another kiss. “Shit, I wish we didn't have to prepare dinner. With Gus asleep there's so much we could do to better use that time.”

“We can always order take-out,” Brian suggested, as their kiss intensified. “It would be a pity to waste this time on cooking.”

“Take-out it is,” Justin agreed, before he got up and pulled Brian up with him, leading the way upstairs to his bedroom.

An hour later they came out of the bedroom again, freshly showered and freshened up.

“Is Thai okay?” Brian asked as he made his way back into the kitchen. “There's this great place I know that has killer chicken pad thai.”

“Leave it to you to know all the takeout places in Toronto,” Justin chuckled, before he nodded. “Thai sounds good.”

“A man's got to survive somehow,” Brian gave back before he moved into the hallway and placed a call to the restaurant ordering their dinner.

Twenty minutes later Gus reappeared and made his way downstairs into the kitchen as well where he found his father and Justin deep in conversation.

“You're still here?” He asked as he looked at his father in slight confusion obviously not having expected to still see him at his home.

“We thought we could all have dinner together,” Justin said as he set the table. “Your Dad ordered Thai for us. I hope that's okay?”

“Sure, sounds good,” Gus agreed before he got himself some juice from the fridge, then went to sit down at the table with his dad and Justin as they waited for the food to arrive.

“And Justin and I needed to talk to you as well,” Brian announced, surprising both Gus and Justin. Yes, Justin had known that they had decided to tell Gus about their new relationship, but he had honestly expected that most of the conversation would be left to him as he knew how Brian felt about talking about feelings, so he was positively surprised when Brian had actually gotten the conversation started.

“Is this about the kiss?” Gus groaned, covering his face with his hands. “It was just a kiss, Dad. Really.”

“No, it's not about the kiss,” Justin quickly cleared up any confusion Gus might feel. “It's actually about...,” he started and threw a look at Brian. He smiled when Brian returned the look and finished the sentence.

“Us.”

“Okay,” Gus frowned, obviously not having expected that. “So what about us?”

“No, us as in me and your dad,” Justin clarified which made Gus frown.

“Okay, so what about you?” He asked when neither man continued.

Justin threw Brian another look, nodding at him in encouragement. He felt like Gus should hear this news from his father and not from Justin.

“Justin and I... we've been...seeing each other again,” Brian started and frowned when Gus only nodded in reaction but didn't seem surprised by the news. If anything he seemed rather relieved. “For a while now.”

“Yeah, I know,” Gus just replied, looking from his father to Justin and back. “What about it?”

“What do you mean, you know?” Justin interjected, feeling as surprised as Brian looked.

“I know that you've been seeing each other,” he replied, looking from his father to Justin and back, frowning when he saw their surprised faces. “Everyone knows.”

“Everyone?” Brian croaked, feeling even more surprised. He turned to look at Justin and was relieved when the younger man looked as shocked by that statement as he felt.

“Wait, you thought no one knew?” Gus said, starting to laugh at the surprised faces of his father and Justin in front of him. “Did you think you were very secretive in your sneaking around? Because... you weren't.”

“So how long have you known about us?” Brian asked, trying to find out when they had been caught.

“A couple of weeks. But Emmett told me not to say anything and to wait until you were ready to tell me. He said to give you time to figure everything out between the two of you.”

Justin nodded, trying to make sense of what Gus was saying. “How did you know?”

“I mean, it was weird when Dad started to show up almost every night for dinner and would then stay long after dinner. Long after I had gone to bed even. Sometimes even until early morning, only leaving minutes before I had to get up for school,” Gus started only to be interrupted by Justin at that point.

“You knew that he spent the night here?” Justin's eyes had widened and he looked like he had been caught in the act.

“Yeah,” Gus replied, making it sound as if both Justin and his father were incredibly slow. “Wait, you really thought I didn't notice?”

“That's what we thought,” Brian admitted and Justin nodded in agreement.

“You didn't think I would notice a car being turned on in the driveway right outside my window at 7am?”

Both men looked slightly embarrassed, but nodded.

“Well, I did. And I could see that it was Dad's car leaving the driveway when I looked out the window. Just as I know that you've been spending some nights at the apartment, too,” Gus announced, looking at Justin.

“How?” Justin asked as he ran a hand over his face in embarrassment and disbelief.

“Your brand of shampoo and shower gel in Dad's shower? And your brand of aftershave in his bathroom? I mean, really?” Gus looked from his father to Justin and back. “How stupid do you think I am?”

“When did you get into my ensuite?” Brian just asked in confusion, wondering why Gus would know what was in his bathroom when he usually used the guest bathroom in the apartment and not Brian's ensuite.

“That time when the plumber was checking the pipes in the other bathroom,” Gus replied as if Brian was stupid.

“Right,” Brian nodded, remembering the day two weeks ago when there had been a problem with the tap in that bathroom and the plumber had been there while Gus had been doing his homework.

“And Emmett knows as well?” Justin forced out, looking at Gus in confusion. “Did you tell him?”

“No, he figured it out himself, I think. I guess he was calling at your place one too many times with you not being there, but being here instead,” Gus explained as he looked at his father.

“How would he know where I was?”

“One time he asked me if I knew where you were. He was trying to talk to you about some event at Kinnetik, but couldn't get you on your mobile and at home. So he just asked me if you had mentioned anything about going out and I told him that you were here. Had been here all evening. So...sometimes he would just call me and ask me if you were here when he couldn't reach you at home. I guess he just figured it out from there.”

Brian nodded, then sighed in frustration. “Great.”

“He's happy for you,” Gus pointed out with a smile. “As am I. And Daphne and Ethan.”

“Ethan?” Justin croaked, looking at Gus from wide eyes. “He knows as well?”

“I told you that everyone knows. Aren't you listening to me?” Gus frowned, wondering if both his dad and Justin were even listening to him at all.

“I just didn't think he would be part of everyone,” Justin admitted, not quite sure how he felt about the fact that his ex-boyfriend knew about his new relationship before Brian and he had announced said relationship themselves.

“He's happy for you guys,” Gus said with a smile on his face. He and Ethan had been hanging out about once a month after Justin and Ethan had ended things. As Ethan had promised, he had stayed a part of Gus' life and they regularly talked on the phone and texted. Every once in a while they tried to get together and hang out, watching a movie or going out for a burger. Things between Justin and Ethan had been civil even though they mostly kept their interactions to a minimum. Justin knew that he had hurt the man and he had honestly loved Ethan and had felt bad about hurting him. It had never been his intention to hurt him and he hoped that one day Ethan would believe him. He knew that he was far from being one of the people Ethan wanted to be around, but he had appreciated the efforts the man had made to stay in touch with Gus, whose stepfather he had basically been for two years, therefore Justin had stayed out of the relationship Gus and Ethan had forged and had left that between Gus and Ethan.

“How did he find out?” Brian frowned, able to understand how Emmett might have found out, but Ethan?

“Which brings me to the most obvious sign: Your goofy smiles and the way you look at each other whenever you are in each other's company.”

“I don't have a goofy smile,” Brian immediately interjected, but shut up when Justin just threw him a look that said differently.

“You do, Dad. And it's really visible whenever you're around Justin and think no one is watching you.”

“He's right,” Justin admitted with a smile when Brian looked doubtful. “You have a goofy smile when you think no one is watching you.”

“The last time he picked me up, he saw you both here,” Gus explained. “I guess that was enough for him to know what is going on. He asked me later that day and when I told him that I wasn't sure, he said that he hoped it would work out for you guys and that he was happy for you.”

“Well, so much for that big announcement,” Brian sighed as he ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “And you? How do you feel about that?”

Gus shrugged. “I am just happy that you two aren't fighting any longer,” he announced honestly. “I like you a lot better this way.”

“So do I,” Justin agreed, before he took Brian's hand and gave it a squeeze. “So do I.” He then turned back to Gus and looked at him. “Gus, there is something else we want to talk to you about.”

“Okay,” Gus replied, looking at Justin, wondering what else there was to say.

“Your Dad and I... now that we're back in a relationship... we have decided that we want to move in together.”

“Cool! So Dad will move in here?” Gus' face lit up in obvious excitement. “That's awesome. All of us together again like a real family.”

Brian smiled at Gus' obvious excitement. “Yeah, like a real family. Only that... Justin and I have decided to look for a new place. A new house. A house that we can make our home.”

“Okay,” Gus said slowly, his face turning into a frown. “But we'll stay here in Toronto?”

“Yes, here in Toronto,” Justin confirmed. “Your dad's company is here, my agent is here. Your school and your soccer team.”

They could both see the immediate relief on Gus' face. “So I can stay on the team and in my school?”

“Yes, you can. We don't want to change our lives completely. We just want to find a new home here for us as a family,” Brian confirmed.

Both Brian and Justin watched as Gus got up from his chair then and walked around to their side of the table. He threw his arms over their shoulders, one arm around Brian, one arm around Justin and pulled them both close.

“That's so cool! I am so happy! We're going to be a real family again!”

Brian smiled as he thought back to Gus' obvious excitement. Ever since they had talked to him a week ago, he and Justin had spent more time together and had stopped sneaking around. Since everyone had figured out the truth about their relationship anyway, what was the point?

Now they only needed to find a house they all liked and then they could finally be a family again. And that thought made Brian happier than he had ever thought he could be. Knowing that he had his Sunshine and his sonny boy back in his life was all he needed to be happy.

Chapter 30

After another four months of looking for a suitable house, Brian and Justin had finally been able to agree on a place.

The place was pretty much in the same neighbourhood as Justin's current house, but was a lot bigger and more stylish. After all, this time Brian had been involved in choosing a house for them as well.

The house was a big four bedroom, five bathroom townhouse with an office for Brian, a private gym, an outdoor pool and a big sunroom that they would turn into studio space for Justin. The sunroom had huge glass walls and a glass ceiling and offered natural sunlight whenever the sun was out. It would be a perfect place for Justin to work in.

Justin had mostly fallen in love with the house because of the big sunroom, while Brian had liked the open floor plan of the ground floor which had reminded him a bit of the loft.

The bedrooms were big and a balcony went all around the first floor of the house which meant that it could be accessed from all bedrooms which Gus had been really excited about. Gus and Brian had also been in love with the private gym and pool and all three of them had basically agreed that this was the perfect place for them to start over again as a family together.

Once they had agreed on the house and had started the process of buying it, they had started preparing their move.

For the last few months Brian had spent most of his time at Justin's house anyway, so even before they had officially moved in together, they had pretty much been living together. Brian mostly only checked on his apartment occasionally to make sure that no one had broken in and stolen anything, but he couldn't really remember the last time he had spent a night there.

After they had told Gus about their relationship there had been no reason for them to sneak around any longer and Brian had openly started to spend his free time at Justin's place. No, it wasn't home and he would never feel completely comfortable in the house that Justin had lived in with Ethan for so long, but he knew that it was only temporary and that they would be moving into their new home soon and when presented with the choice of spending a night with Justin in his bed and arms or spending the night alone, Brian knew that there was no choice.

And now they were finally ready to move into the new house. The last two days had been crazy with movers moving all their things from one house to the other as well as adding Brian's things from his apartment. All three places looked beyond chaotic with the amount of boxes all over the places, but both Brian and Justin knew that it was only temporary. Once they had unpacked everything and all their new furniture had been delivered, their new house would finally start to feel like a home.

“What are you thinking about?” Brian whispered as he came up from behind and wrapped his arms around Justin's mid-section. They were standing in Justin's new studio and Brian had caught Justin deep in thought as he looked at some of the boxes that held his art supplies.

Justin sighed happily as he leaned back into Brian's embrace. “I am wondering what you did...”

“What I did? Why do you think that I did something?”

“I am not sure, but I think you're up to something,” Justin said, sounding slightly confused.

“I am always up,” Brian gave back as he playfully started nibbling on Justin's earlobe. “You know that.”

Justin chuckled as he leaned closer into Brian's embrace. “Yeah and while I appreciate the sentiment and will hold you to that promise later, I am actually serious here.”

Realising that this was not the time and place for doing anything sexual (glass walls all around and Gus being somewhere close in the house), Brian sighed regretfully and stopped biting the earlobe. “As was I. But fine, later. Remember, we have a lot of rooms to christen.”

“And we will,” Justin promised as he turned around in Brian's arms and gave his partner a gentle kiss. “In the meantime, I wonder if you know what happened to the portraits?”

Brian's eyes widened slightly, if only for a second, before he schooled his face into a mask. “The portraits? Why? Is something wrong?”

“Come on, Brian. I know you did something. They're not at the old house and they are nowhere to be found here. I know we packed them up and I actually saw one of the movers moving the box into the van earlier. Only it's not in the sunroom now with the rest of the paintings. Where did it end up?” Justin asked as he looked at Brian.

“Why do you think I would know?” Brian asked, trying to sound as innocent as he could.

“Brian,” Justin sighed. “I know you did something with them. Your face betrayed you when I mentioned the portraits. What did you do with them?”

Knowing that he was caught and that Justin had looked right through him, Brian sighed. “Alright...”

“So you did do something with them?” Justin asked, sounding slightly relieved.

“It was supposed to be a surprise, but I guess the surprise is out now. You weren't supposed to know that the portraits were gone until later,” Brian explained, looking at Justin from serious eyes.

“A surprise?” Justin frowned, not sure if he understood what Brian was talking about. These portraits were incredibly personal and meant a lot to him. What surprise could Brian have planned with them?

“Come,” Brian said quietly, holding his hand out to Justin and pulling him along, leaving the sunroom behind and making his way up the stairs to the second floor of the house.

“Brian?” Justin frowned as they moved towards the end of the hallway to a room which they hadn't really found a use for yet. They had thought about maybe turning it into a storage room for luggage and all kinds of other stuff they wouldn't really have a space for anywhere else. The room had been too small to be turned into a guestroom, so storage was really the best way to utilize it.

“I had planned on showing you later, when the moment was right, but...,” Brian took a deep breath, squeezing Justin's hand in his, “I don't want you to worry about the portraits. They are safe!”

He then opened the door and nodded at Justin to enter the room.

When Justin did, his breath got stuck in his throat. The room was now shining in mild light and had the portraits of their friends and family hanging up on two of the walls of the room. There was only a very comfortable looking sofa at the opposite side of the wall, a wall that was empty of portraits and that was it. Other than that, it was just the portraits as decorations on the walls and some atmospheric lamps that made the room glow in calm and warm light. It looked absolutely gorgeous.

“Brian,” he started, but didn't quite know how to continue. The room looked lovely even though Justin wasn't quite sure what he was really looking at.

“I know that the portraits are personal to you and I know you don't want to show them to anyone yet, but... I hope that one day you will. They are amazing. They are breathtaking and... I thought of a way we could remember all of them in the way they deserved and... it might be kitschy or... a stupid idea altogether, but I thought that maybe we could create this safe space to remember everyone. And... when we feel like it...we can come here and just think about them or... talk about them... or I don't know really... I just wanted to create a safe space for them,” Brian ended, his voice sounding more insecure than Justin had ever heard it.

He looked at the older man and smiled warmly at him. He had always known about Brian's big heart, but so many people had considered him cold and heartless when Brian was anything but. Brian had the biggest heart and loved with all his heart when he loved and creating this safe space for them to remember people they had both loved... Justin was speechless. It was beautiful.

“It's beautiful,” he finally pressed out as he walked further into the room and sat down on the sofa. He looked at the portraits of everyone who had meant so much to them and tears came to his eyes. “I love the idea,” he whispered as his eyes settled on the portrait of his mother and his sister and he looked at them from warm eyes. “They would love it.”

Brian slowly made his way over to Justin's side and sat down next to him, pulling the younger man into his arms. “You're not angry that I put them up?”

“No,” Justin whispered as he took in each and every portrait. “I really love it.”

They stayed like that for several minutes, just looking at the portraits and hanging on to their own thoughts.

“Where is your portrait?” Justin broke the silence as he looked up at Brian's eyes.

“It's in the sunroom. In one of the other boxes. I am here... Right here... I don't belong up there with them,” Brian said quietly as he looked from Justin to the portraits.

“No, you don't,” Justin agreed, leaning into Brian's chest and sighing happily. “I guess this means that I'll have to show Gus soon... He's probably wondering what's in this room.”

“You don't have to if you don't want to. For now he thinks it's only a small storage space and we can lock the door. He wouldn't be able to get in. We can tell him this is where we store our sex toys,” Brian winked, trying to make Justin smile.

“Yeah, that would keep him away,” Justin chuckled and Brian was glad to hear the sound.

“For now this is only for us...until you're ready...,” Brian said quietly, leaning in for a quick kiss. “There's no hurry and no pressure to show anyone else.”

“Thanks, Brian!” Justin said sincerely, giving Brian one last kiss.

They stayed for a couple of minutes, before they both knew that it was time to return to the task of finishing their move. There were still too many boxes to unpack and too many rooms to christen later that night once Gus was in bed.

***

3 months later

“Stop it, Brian!” Justin complained as he tried to squirm free from Brian's embrace. Brian had just come up from behind and had started kissing his neck while Justin was busy trying to finish their Thanksgiving dinner.

“You're tense, I just want to ease the tension,” Brian whispered, leaving tender kisses all over Justin's neck.

“You know why I am tense,” Justin just replied as he finally managed to get away from Brian and returned to the stove that he was supposed to keep an eye on.

“I know, but... there is no reason to be,” Brian said seriously, following Justin to the stove. “It will be fine. Everyone will love it.”

“What if they don't?” Justin asked, not able to hide his insecurity.

“Why wouldn't they?” Brian just asked back, meeting Justin's gaze head on.

“What if they think it's inappropriate?” Justin sighed, his shoulders slumping.

“They won't. And you know it. They will love it.”

“I don't know,” Justin muttered, pretending to check on some of the pots on the stove.

After they had finished unpacking all their boxes and had christened every room in the house except for Gus' room, they had finally started to make the house their home.

The first three months in their new house had been good for them and Justin couldn't remember ever having been as happy as he had been in recent months. He was back with Brian, the love of his life, they were raising Gus together, the way they were supposed to, Kinnetik was doing well, Justin's career was going well, they were doing well. Everything had been good.

In the midst of that happiness, Justin had decided to host a traditional American Thanksgiving dinner for their friends from Pittsburgh and he had invited Daphne and Emmett over to spend the American holiday with them. Their friends had been delighted to spend the holiday together and once it had been agreed that Justin would host dinner, he had gotten the idea to reveal the portraits on Thanksgiving day.

Brian had been all for that and had supported Justin in that decision only that Justin now seemed to be getting cold feet and had been a nervous wreck all day about showing the portraits to Daphne and Emmett. For some reason he had gotten it into his head that their friends would find the portraits inappropriate and Brian couldn't understand why Justin would think so.

About two weeks ago, they had shown the portraits to Gus, knowing that they couldn't reveal the portraits to him at the same time they revealed them to Daphne and Emmett, knowing that they needed to give the boy the privacy to take them in on his own.

Gus had been moved by the room when Justin and Brian had shown it to him and the portraits of his mothers and of Debbie and Jennifer and everyone else had made him cry for the loss of the family he had once had. They had stayed in the room with Gus for a long time, comforting the boy and just being there for him, helping him deal with his grief, but once the tears had passed, Gus had assured Brian and Justin that he loved the portraits and was so happy to have a reminder of the family he had lost. They had all sat in the room together for hours afterwards, exchanging memories of the people they had loved and lost.

After that night, Brian and Justin had noticed that Gus had gone into the room on his own quite a bit, but despite being worried that he wasn't alright, Gus always seemed fine when he left the room again and seemed calmer than he had before. A couple of days ago, he had come to Justin and Brian and had thanked Justin for creating the portraits and had thanked Brian for setting up the room, thanking them for giving him a space to remember his mothers especially.

Knowing that Gus was alright and had loved the idea of the room, Brian had no doubt that Daphne and Emmett would as well.

“It will be fine,” Brian assured once again as he pulled Justin close and kissed him, effectively shutting him up.

Their kiss was interupted when the doorbell rang and their guests arrived. “You have nothing to be nervous about. They will love it,” Brian whispered as he broke the kiss, nodded at Justin and then went to open the door.

Justin looked after the older man and nodded to himself. He was sure that Brian was right and he didn't even know himself why he was so nervous. He had never felt that nervous before about showing any of his paintings. Normally he didn't care whether people liked what he had created or not, but for some reason with these portraits he cared a lot. Maybe even too much.

Shaking his head as if to shake off his mood, Justin followed Brian into the hallway to welcome their guests.

Once everyone had been served their first drinks, Brian took Justin's hand and squeezed it. “Before we have dinner, there is actually something we wanted to show you,” he said seriously, looking at both Daphne and Emmett.

“Oooooohhhh, is it your playroom?” Emmett giggled happily, clapping his hands together in glee. He had been so happy when Brian and Justin had gotten back together and had decided to move into a new home together. He loved that they had found their way back to each other and he knew how happy they were. Gilead had taken so much from everyone and had destroyed so many lives and he was glad that it hadn't been able to destroy the love between two of his closest friends.

“You wish,” Brian snorted, as he pulled Justin closer and leaned into his surprised partner. “I know that you only wanted to show them after dinner, but I know that if we don't do it now, you won't be eating a bite at all. And you worked too hard on the meal to not enjoy it yourself.”

Justin nodded, knowing that Brian was right and he wouldn't have been able to eat anything at all with how nervous he felt. He was secretly glad that Brian had taken the initiative and had decided to change their original plan.

“Okay, now I am officially intrigued,” Daphne muttered, watching the interaction between Brian and Justin and Justin's uncharacteristical silence.

Brian led the group up the stairs and down the hallway to their little room. “This is something that I am sure you'll appreciate as much as Gus and I did the first time we saw it. Justin did amazing work and... I am sure you will appreciate it as much as I do,” he said as he stopped in front of the room. He then opened the door and motioned for Daphne and Emmett to step inside while he and Justin stayed behind, watching their friends' reaction.

“Woah,” Daphne exclaimed as she moved into the room and looked at all the portraits that were up on the walls of the room.

“Oh my God,” Emmett exclaimed as he took the portraits in as well. “So beautiful...Baby...you captured them so well,” he whispered as he looked at each portrait in awe.

“Justin, these are amazing,” Daphne whispered as she turned back to her friend and saw him standing in Brian's arms, looking at her and Emmett from moist eyes. “When did you do these?”

Justin swallowed a couple of times, still moved every time he looked at the portraits and took a deep breath before he spoke. “After Gus and I first made it to Toronto...when...I realised that we didn't have anything that would remind us of these people. No pictures, nothing. I... realised that I didn't have a picture of his mothers to show him, that I... didn't have a picture of mom and Molly...to remember them by. I didn't want to forget them and I didn't want Gus to forget about them either.”

“You never said anything about these,” Daphne said quietly, eyeing her friend from confused eyes. “And they are so beautiful.”

“They...they were personal and...I couldn't share them...not...until I showed them to Brian and I realised that he felt the same way about them as I did. He created this room, so we would always have a safe space to remember them by.”

“It's beautiful,” Emmett whispered, his eyes on the portrait of Ted, his best friend who had died so tragically after Gilead had taken away his lover, Blake. A loss his friend hadn't been able to deal with. Emmett walked closer to the portrait and ran a gentle hand over Ted's face. “You captured him so well. He looks so happy.”

“All of them do,” Daphne agreed, looking from painting to painting.

“I knew that's how I wanted them to be remembered. As the happy people they were before...before everything turned to shit,” Justin whispered, before new tears ran down his face.

Brian pulled him closer and turned towards his partner. “Shhhhh, it's okay. We're here. All four of us and we're safe and we'll have the Thanksgiving of all Thanksgivings to celebrate that.” He gently wiped away the tears on Justin's face, not caring that his own tears ran down his face at the same time.

When Justin nodded, Brian smiled at him. “That's it, Sunshine!”

Emmett walked over and engulfed Brian and Justin, holding them both tight. “I am so glad that we're here together. All of us! And that you created this beautiful memorial for everyone who's not with us today. I am so proud of you, baby!”

A second later Daphne joined the group hug as well. “You've done good,” she said towards Justin, then turned to Brian. “Both of you. They would love this!”

They all stayed in the hug for several minutes, before Brian declared that he was feeling too lesbionic and needed to do something manly like check on the turkey.

Everyone agreed that it would probably be a good time to check on dinner and they slowly made their way down into the kitchen again.

Soon Emmett was lifting the mood by telling stories of Thanksgiving dinners from the past, everyone revelling in the memories of past Thanksgiving dinners with their loved ones. Only that it wasn't painful, but was actually very happy and uplifting. They shared lots of funny Thanksgiving stories, thinking back to days when their family had been bigger and still complete.

Once it was time for dinner, Gus forced himself away from his computer game for long enough to join everyone in the dining-room and they all enjoyed a lovely Thanksgiving dinner together.

Before dessert, Daphne encouraged everyone to share what they were grateful for, starting by being grateful that she was with her best friend and his family, that they were all happy and safe and that they had made it to this point without Gilead destroying them.

Emmett had also been grateful for them being safe and together and had said how grateful he was that Justin and Brian had found their way back together. That seeing them back together made him happier than he had been in years.

When it had been Gus' turn, everyone had been quietly listening to the boy as he mentioned being grateful for having both his father and Justin in his life, for being reunited as a family and living in their home together and for being grateful for the opportunities that fleeing to Canada had given all of them and him in particular. How grateful he was to be getting an education and how grateful he was to know that he would be able to go to university one day and learn whatever job he wanted in a free country that accepted him and his family the way they were.

“I am grateful for all of you,” Justin started, looking at everyone around the table. “I am grateful to be safe and to be in a country where I can create my art without any fear of repercussions. I am grateful that we,” he said, turning to Brian, “didn't let Gilead win and that we found our way back to each other. I am grateful for our new home, our family and friends and this new phase of our lives.” As he ended, he closed the distance between himself and Brian and kissed the older man. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Brian replied into the kiss, before they broke apart. Knowing that it was his turn, he took a deep breath. He hated talking about his feelings and would have loved to stay quiet, but knew that he couldn't. Not after everyone had already shared what they were grateful for. Damn, Daphne for starting with this shit.

“And I am grateful for having made it to this day. For having made it back to you,” he said looking at Justin, “and you,” he added as he turned towards Gus. “I am grateful for how far we have come as a family,” he continued, before he turned to Daphne and Emmett. “And that we're all doing well. Successful queers will always be the biggest fuck you in the face of Gilead that exists and I am glad that we're part of that big fuck you!”

Everyone raised their glasses in a quiet toast.

The rest of the dinner was enjoyable and spent making plans for Christmas.

Once everyone had left, Brian and Justin with Gus' help had taken care of the cleanup, before they had moved to their bedroom to finish the holiday in private.

And celebrated they had. Justin had made tender love to Brian before the older man had returned the favour and had made love to him. Now they were lying in each other's arms, Justin resting his head on Brian's chest, gently running his fingertips over the older man's torso.

“I love you,” he whispered, never stopping his caress of Brian's torso.

“Not as much as I love you,” Brian replied quietly, leaning down to kiss Justin's blond hair. “I am glad we made it here. That we made it here together.”

“I know,” Justin agreed. “I didn't think we would. God, I was such an ass... I am so sorry, Brian.”

“It was an impossible situation,” Brian said quietly, holding Justin that much tighter. “We all tried to muddle through the best way we knew how to.”

“Still... I should have...,” Justin sighed. “I don't know... acted differently. If I could, I would turn back the time.”

“Hey, stop it! It's in the past. It doesn't matter anymore. We made it here, we are here now. We're healthy, we're fucking successful, Gus is doing well... Everything is as it should be. That's all that matters.”

“I'll never let you go again, Brian. I've lost you once...I won't lose you again,” Justin said, his voice full of emotion. He moved his head up, so he could look into Brian's hazel eyes. “I won't.”

“I know,” Brian replied, holding Justin's gaze. And he did. He knew that whatever would happen in their future, they would be together for it. They had been apart too long and Brian wouldn't allow anyone or anything to ever break them up again. “Neither will I.”

The End