Sunshine and his Moon
“Brian, you scared the hell out of me,” Justin said as he found Brian some painkillers and gave them to him. “I am surprised you have any of these left. You aren’t one to leave something like this just lying around.”
“I had wished all day I had those last couple pills with me.”
“I have some soup heating up. I’ll be right back.” Justin walked off and kept talking. He told him that Debbie had brought it over while they waited for Brian to finish the ride. But, Brian was silent. He caught glimpses of Justin getting bowls out and filling them with soup from a pan on the stove.
His sunshine, he had missed him. He wasn’t saying he was in love with him but he did like it when he was around and for some reason, knowing he had slept with several familiar names while he was in California made something deep inside of him twinge.
“Let me help you sit up.” Justin set the bowl of soup down before putting a hand under Brian’s good arm helping him sit up more. Brian moved his face closer to Justin and Justin kissed him but then turned away.
“Sunshine, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
Justin swallowed hard thinking again how close he had come to losing him. “I’m just tired. I am still fighting jet lag.” He picked up the bowl and started feeding Brian his soup. Brian realized he was hungry and didn’t try to talk to Justin while he ate. They would have time for that later.
Justin focused on each bite he fed Brian but his brain was far away. He could have lost this stubborn man. First he went through cancer and now, although not as serious, this broken collar bone. Brian just couldn’t be left alone. He was too reckless. And then his mind continued to process. It was Brian’s tenacity that made him love him, at least one of the things.
Justin realized he had emptied the dish and set it down. “Did you have enough?”
“I did. Sunshine, go get a bowl for yourself. I am sure you haven’t eaten and you are looking a little ….. Well you look tempting as always but you …. Just get some soup. My brain is getting foggy from the pills. Get your soup and come sit by me.” Brian shivered and said, “I’m still cold.” Justin put another blanket over him before he went off to get his own soup.
When Justin came back to the bedroom, Brian was asleep. He sat on the edge of the bed and watched Brian sleep as he ate the soup and then set the bowl down and went between the sheets, moving over to Brian. He very carefully put an arm around his waist and pressed the whole length of his body against him.
“Um, I have missed that body, Sunshine.”
“I have no doubt you had many willing partner’s while I was gone.”
“I didn’t say I didn’t. All I said was I missed that body and the hell if I can do anything about it tonight. Thank you, Sunshine.”
“For what? Insisting I stay overnight?”
“No, of course not, although I’m glad you did. Thank you for always being here when I need someone.”
“I am sure there have been days you would have preferred someone else here. I don’t give into everything like Michael does.”
“No, Sunshine, Michael will always be a true friend but he has Ben, and I am not going to get between them.” In this relaxed state, Brian spoke more openly than he usually did. “I’m glad they have each other. Don’t know why they needed to get married. That’s just bullshit but Michael needs someone and Ben loves him. And to be honest, maybe I needed less of him. Did you know he probably did want something but now he has Ben…” Brian shifted a bit so his sore shoulder was resting on a pillow while the rest of him was leaning against Justin and Justin tightened his arm around Brian’s waist. Softly, Brian started singing, “‘You are my sunshine, my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are gray. You never know, dear, how much I love you. So please don’t take my sunshine away.’”
Justin knew he was sleeping by the last word. The painkiller had him completely out. Justin absorbed his heat. Brian had a silly little grin on the corners of his mouth. That made Justin smile. He breathed in the scent of Brian’s shampoo and kissed his hair. “I may be your sunshine, but you are my moon.” With that Justin fell asleep just as the first rays of the sun streaked across the sky.
“Moon,” Brian mumbled in his drug induced sleep.
Justin woke up and started fielding phone calls. He had several text messages so he did a group text to friends and his mom, just letting everyone know Brian was sleeping and it would be best if no one stopped by for a while. He said if they wanted to bring some dinner over they could but to talk to each other and to let him know when they were coming. He would let them know if Brian wasn’t up for it.
Justin had just started a pot of coffee when he heard Brian groan loudly. He moved to the bedroom quickly and found Brian sitting on the edge. His face was pale. “I need to piss.” Brian said and Justin slipped his arm behind Brian and Brian put his good arm around Justin. Slowly they moved as one and as Brian relieved himself Justin stood behind him. “Are you just standing there because you want to look at my ass?” he snapped.
“Fine, coffee should be ready.” Justin walked out the side door of the bathroom.
Shit, Brian said to himself. He hadn’t meant to snap at him. His legs felt like rubber after the last week and his ass, well, let’s say bicycle seats were not comfortable. He made his way to the doorway bumping his injured arm and that sent a whole new string of profanity as he stumbled the last few steps to the bed but then decided he wanted to sit on the sofa. He thought that might be more comfortable.
As Justin came around the corner with two cups of coffee he said, “Stop right there. You are not going down those steps without me.” He set the cups down on the coffee table and moved to the steps. They moved together down the stairs and then Justin let him get to the sofa himself as he went around to the other side. Brian looked at the sofa and wondered how he would manage to sit down without a shooting pain in his ass or his shoulder.
“Sunshine, I didn’t mean to yell. I’m sorry but could you help me sit down? Every inch of my body hurts, including my head from the painkiller last night. I have a massive headache.” Justin assisted Brian for a gentle landing and only a soft ‘damn’ as Brian settled in. Before he could move away, Brian grabbed Justin’s arm and pulled him close for a kiss.
When Justin was free he moved to pick up both the cups. He had put lots of cream and sugar in Brian’s. As Brian took the first swallow, he sighed. “Enough sugar?” Justin asked.
“It’s good, Sunshine. This is not the welcome home I wanted to give you. My plan was having you walk like I am.”
Justin smiled, “Soon, Bri. You will heal quickly. Are you glad you did the ride?”
“It was probably stupid, so soon after radiation but, and don’t tell him this, but I am glad I saw Mikey get married. I’m not saying it’s for me but it is for them. I am sure he is glad you were there too. I wish I had been there. Maybe we can have a party for them here.”
“That’s a good idea, in a month or so. You did make a full pot of coffee, didn’t you?”
“I did, I’ll get more and something for your headache. I stuck some cinnamon rolls from a tube into the oven. They should be about done, too.” Five minutes later Justin was back with a plate of cinnamon rolls, the pot of coffee, and the sugar and cream.
Brian thankfully accepted the aspirin and took them down with the last of the first cup of coffee. Once they were both eating a roll and sipping another cup of coffee, Brian spoke, “I have this weird memory that last night you were talking about the moon.”
Justin was surprised he had heard that. “Oh, ya, well I only said it after you sang to me.”
“I did not sing!” Brian argured.
“Oh, but you did, Bri.” Justin smiled over at him. “You sang ‘You are my Sunshine’. It was very sweet.”
“I have a vague memory of it but I think I was asleep before I really finished. But what were you saying about the moon? Or were you just thinking about my ass.”
“I’m always thinking about your ass.” Justin kissed him and Brian pulled him a little closer. “But that isn’t what I was talking about. I always think of the moon so far away and yet there. It is a stone but it reflects what is shown on it. Brian, you can be dark and stone cold but, like the moon, you have a side that shares light, especially when people need it the most. You guide people through the darkest times.” Justin stopped and looked at Brian not knowing what to expect.
Brian took a swallow of coffee. He had forgotten to drink while Justin talked. “Aren’t you philosophical this morning?” He said it with a little sarcasm in his voice but his grip on Justin tightened. He brought his mouth to Justin’s temple.
After a couple moments Justin softly said, “I know you don’t like that kind of stuff. I’m sorry I didn’t mean to…”
“Sunshine, I… Can you help me back to bed? My headache is better but both my ass and shoulder aren’t happy.” Once he was back in bed he said, “Surprised no one has called or come over.”
“I should have told you, I texted them and I think a group of them will be here later. They are going to bring us some dinner so if there is something you want let Ted know.” Justin looked at him lying under the blankets. “Did I say….?
“I’m tired, Sunshine. Why don’t you go out and buy some beer? Whatever they bring will go with beer.”
Once he was on the street, Justin went back and forth from nervous, thinking he had said too much, to angry that Brian didn’t react to anything he said. He opened his heart and mind to him and he said he was tired and to get beer. Justin walked to the bodega on the corner and picked up two twelve packs. As he stepped out, he ran directly into Carl. “Oh, sorry, Carl. I guess I wasn’t paying attention.”
“How’s Brian doing?”
“He is really sore but otherwise he is Brian.”
“I know I am not always the most observant but I would say something is on your mind and if I had to guess it was about Brian.” He smiled at Justin. “Let me carry one of those for you.” They walked toward the loft.
“I am probably just out of practice since I have been away.”
“Justin, I know I am just some old guy but I doubt that’s true. It is much more likely that you know him much better than he knows himself. We both know Brian is as complicated as any woman I have ever met. We all have pasts but most of us, although it wasn’t perfect, we could find some good at our homes.”
“That’s just it. I want Brian to feel his loft is a safe place, a place he can let his guard down. I told him too much today and ….”
“Justin, he loves you. He just doesn’t know that’s what it is, yet. It took his family years to break him. It is just going to take time for you to heal him.”
“Thanks, Carl. I hope you’re right. I can take it from here. I am guessing you are heading to Debbie’s and you don’t have to go out of the way.”
Brian did feel better lying in bed but he wasn’t going to sleep any time soon. All he could think about was what Justin had said about the moon. Sunshine really did know him better than he knew himself. He always thought he only showed a small part of himself but Justin obviously knew him, and so did some of his friends. The difference was, Sunshine confronted him on it. Why had he stopped the conversation? He should have just talked to him. Why couldn’t he admit his feelings?
To his surprise he did fall asleep and woke when he heard Justin come back. Justin put the beer in the fridge and then walked up the stairs to the bedroom. All of the sudden he was exhausted. He lay on the other half of the bed and fell asleep.
“Where are you guys?” “We’re here!” “I’d tell you to stop fucking if I thought you could.” Michael, Ted, and Emmett called out from the main room.
“Shit, Sunshine, we must have fallen asleep.”
Michael bound up the stairs. “Are we early? We have buckets of chicken and pizzas.”
“Give me a hand, Mikey.” Brian said and Michael obliged.
Justin was already out of bed. “Guess neither of us got much sleep last night and neither of us set an alarm.” Justin ran a hand through his hair while Michael helped Brian down to the living room.
Emmett, Ted, Michael, and Brian talked about the Liberty Ride. Em and Ted talked about their little side trip to an NA meeting with the cows and all of them could see how much Michael loved Ben, even though he had to teach a class tonight. Then it was Justin’s turn to tell them about LA and the parties he went to. “I met several big names or up and comers but I’m glad I am back. Everyone there is soulless.”
“And you come back to Kinney to find a soul?” Em said it with humor but Brian locked eyes with him. “Don’t look at me like that. You know you aren’t mister warm and fuzzy.” Em draped an arm over Justin’s shoulder and was surprised to feel him tense up. “Sorry, I… “
Ted looked between Brian and Justin and then looked at Em and Michael. “I think we have drank enough beer and eaten so much we will need another day at the gym this week. I think it is time for us to leave. Brian is still pretty banged up.”
Em hugged Justin, “Hope I didn’t say…”
“We just need to talk about something.” Justin turned to Ted and Michael, “Thanks for dinner.”
After all the goodbyes were done, Justin started to clean up the pizza boxes and pick up empty cans. “Sunshine, can you sit down, please?”
“Brian I planned to clean up and then head back to my place. I think….”
“Sunshine, please come and sit down. We need to talk.”
“Bri, I know I made you feel uncomfortable. I don’t know why I thought you’d want to hear my thoughts.”
“If I could walk over there and put my arms around you to get you to stop ignoring me I would but I can’t.” Brian’s voice went soft. “Please, Sunshine.” Brian reached out for him and Justin felt like a tractor beam pulled him in. He sat down leaving a bit of space between them. Justin put a knee up on the sofa so he could face Brian.
“I know you never promised me anything. I won’t bring it up and although we both know we care about each other I don’t expect for you to ever make a commitment. And I can live with that. Now, Bri, I do need to track down Daph and make sure my room...”
“Justin,” Brian reached for his hand, flinching in pain. “Will you just stop talking long enough for me to say something?” Justin tilted his head so he could look him in the eye. He had to restrain himself from reaching out to touch his cheek. “First, I should have talked to you earlier. I just had to absorb what you said. It scares me to know you understand me so well. And, yes, I do have a hidden side. I try to keep it unseen but, using your analogy, I can’t because you are the sunshine that lights the moon. I can’t hide anything from you because you are my source of light.”
Now Justin couldn’t stop himself. He reached over, bringing his leg up against Brian’s and their lips met. When they separated, Justin said, “I’m not asking for a response but I love you.”
“Justin, I want you to move in with me. I don’t want you to leave at night. I want to have coffee with you every morning, or at least most mornings. Please, Sunshine, say you’ll move in here. You have shown me how good life can be. I know I have changed with you. If you leave and my life crashes…”
“Brian Kinney, don’t try to guilt me into this. I love you and I can’t imagine any place I’d rather sleep than in your bed. And if I get sick I can’t imagine having anyone else take care of me.”
“You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, Sunshine. I want it to stay that way.”
Justin leaned over Brian’s semi prone body and kissed his lips but then he moved lower and as his lips fed on Brian’s chest Justin was undoing Brian’s fly. He slid back so he could take him in his mouth and as Justin’s head bobbed on Brian’s cock he let the feeling roll over him. Brian wanted him. He wanted him as his partner. He could live without a commitment. He could never live without Brian.
