“Brian, come out and play.”

Brian had been sleeping until the rocks hit his window and the voice of his best friend drifted in. Jumping out of bed he rushed to the window and opened it. Justin was there with his huge smile and mop of blond hair, standing under the window.

“Are you crazy, you could wake my dad,” he hissed worriedly.

“Sorry, my parents took my brother to look at cars, it’s his graduation present. Let’s go play at the park.”

Justin and Brian couldn’t have been more different, Justin was from a rich family with nice parents, Brian’s were drunks and he lived in a house that should be torn down. Justin went to private school, Brian public. Justin smiled all the time; Brian really didn’t have any reason to smile. But they were friends, the best of friends. They had been since Justin got lost and Brian found him, returning him to the store his mother was in. Brian was used to being alone even at six years old, that had been their age when they met.

Since that day they were inseparable. Brian had found out that Justin lived really close, he could get to his house by going behind his house and crossing the railroad tracks. Justin would come to see him, and Brian go see him too. During the summers they would eat ice cream, have sleepovers (only at Justin’s house) and sometimes they would go camping (sleeping in Justin’s dad’s tent in Justin’s backyard.)

He was eleven now and Justin was ten, it was the start of summer today. Of course, Justin would be over wanting to go out and play. Brian listened for the old man; he didn’t hear him up yet.

“Alright, I’m going to tell my mom. Meet me at the park.”

Justin smiled and gave him the okay-dokey sign and ran off. This was going the be the best summer ever, he just knew it. Finally, Justin was old enough that his parents were going to let him go with Brian to video arcade or the movies alone. The walk wasn’t far, but his parents were a bit overprotective.

He quickly got dressed, shorts and tank top, it was already hot out and only eight in the morning. His mom was already awake, sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee.

“Mom, can I go play with Justin?”

“Yes, but be back before the sun goes down,” she said but wasn’t looking at him. She had a black eye and was staring into space; his dad was really mad last night. “Are you hungry?”

He knew she didn’t have anything to make him, last night she was begging his dad to give her money for the store. “No, I’m not hungry,” he lied. He kissed her on the cheek that wasn’t bruised and left out the back door, he hated his dad sometimes.

The park was on the good side of town, so he had to cross the train tracks. Justin hated crossing the tracks, he said they scared him. But every day he would do it several times just to be with Brian, that made Brian happy. Brian didn’t like Justin being scared, but he had told Justin the train only came when there was a special, which was almost never.

Justin was on the swings laughing about something that only he knew, because there had been no one else at the park.

“What are you laughing about?” he asked.

“Just thinking about all the fun stuff we’ll do this summer. My dad bought me a tent of my very own. We’ll be able to use it whenever we want. He also said that you can stay the night any time you want. My birthday is next week, and he said he’ll pick us up some pizzas and he’ll hook up the VCR and we can watch movies. We have Dumbo and Bedknobs and Broomsticks. But after he goes to bed I know where they keep their movies, and we can watch some of those like JAWS.”

“That sounds fun, I’ll ask my mom tonight. So, what are we doing today?”

“I have change for the arcade,” Justin said, jingling his pocket.

“That’s great but it doesn’t open for another few hours. Want to go to the lake?”

Justin bit his lip. “I don’t know, my mom said I was only to go to your house, the park and the video arcade.”

“You’re such a baby,” he teased.

“Am not. Let’s go, I’ll show you I’m not a baby,” Justin said, running off in direction of the lake that was about half a mile away. Brian raced after him, bumping into him as they ran to the lake.

He wasn’t sure if the lake was an actual lake or a pond, he just knew he discovered it one day while roaming around. He had shown it to Justin once, but Justin got grounded because his mom didn’t know where he was.

After a while at the lake, they started to talk about going to see a movie.

“My sister is saw Poltergeist on Friday,” Brian said.

“That’s supposed to be really scary. I don’t want to see something scary.”

“Come on, I want to see it,” Brian whined.

“They’ll never let us in to see it,” Justin said.

“Annie’s still at the theatre, we could get tickets for it then sneak into Poltergeist.”

“Alright, but you promise we’ll leave if it gets too scary?”

“I promise.”

That night Brian got home and was exhausted. They had played at the lake for a few hours then went to the video arcade. Brian beat Justin at Donkey Kong Jr.; Justin was terrible at video games. Then they went to see Poltergeist. Justin got scared so as he promised, they left.

“Well, I better get home before my mom loses it,” Justin said, smiling at him.

They were just outside Brian’s house, Justin wasn’t allowed to come in. His parents had been clear that he couldn’t bring any fucking snotty-nosed rich kids into their house.

Before he knew what was happening, Justin stood on his tiptoes and kissed Brian on the lips. He didn’t know what to think about that, but he didn’t have time to process it because he was being pulled off his feet.

“What kind of faggy shit is this?” his father roared.

“Please, I didn’t do anything,” he begged.

“Get the fuck off my property and never come back,” his dad yelled at Justin.

Justin looked torn about what to do but Brian knew he couldn’t help. “GO JUSTIN!” he demanded.

Justin ran and Brian closed his eyes, not wanting to see the hit coming.



Justin was worried about Brian, his dad seemed really mad when he pulled Brian away. Brian had looked so scared. Justin shouldn’t have kissed Brian; his dad wouldn’t have been so mad if it weren’t for the kiss. It was so stupid, but Justin had been in love with Brian Kinney since he was six years old. Brian had been his knight in shining armor, that’s what his mom said about Brian when he found Justin and returned him to the store. He had been lost and so scared, then there was Brian with his dirty face and too small clothes. He was Justin’s best friend, and he couldn’t just sit in his room while bad things were happening to him less than a mile away.

It was getting dark, so Justin had to sneak out, luckily his parents were playing bridge with their friends in the kitchen. As he walked, he fidgeted with the bracelet that Brian made him. He was in such a hurry he decided not to tie his shoes, it would just slow him down.

When he got to Brian’s house, he put some crates that were strewn around the yard and climbed up to Brian’s open window. He could hear crying, as he climbed in, he saw Brian on his bed.

“Brian?”

“Go away.”

“I can’t, I have to make sure you’re alright and your dad didn’t hurt you.”

Brian sat up and Justin could see the bruise already forming on his face. “I told you to go away. I don’t want you here. In fact, I don’t want to be your friend anymore.”

“What? Why?”

“You’re a faggot and I don’t want to be friends with faggots,” Brian said, his face angry.

“What’s a faggot? I’m not one, I’m Episcopalian…I think.”

“You’re stupid, faggot means a boy who likes other boys and its wrong. It’s dirty and wrong and you make me sick.”

“But I thought you liked me?”

“I did until you kissed me, I hate you now. Now go away, I never want to see you again.”

“You’re my best friend.”

“Not anymore, now get out.”

Justin was blinded by his tears as he climbed back out the window. He ran as hard as he could, he wanted to get home and cry in his room. As he was running down the hill, he lost his footing and fell. He rolled and slammed his head into the railroad tracks. He tried to stand but couldn’t make his body work, his vision dimmed and felt really tired all of the sudden. He would rest and try again in a moment.



“Hey Gene, look at this?”

“Stop shoving that magazine in my face,” Gene said. As conductor he took his job very seriously. One mess up and lives could be ruined forever. Caleb moved the magazine that was obstructing Gene’s view. “What the hell is that?” he said, already applying the breaks knowing it was useless. If it had been straight tracks, he would have seen the boy lying on the tracks before it was too late, sadly he had just come out of a turn surrounded by trees.

“IT’S A CHILD. OH GOD, WE’RE GOING TO HIT HIM!” Gene yelled as their worst nightmare happened.

Please God have mercy, let the child already be dead. He couldn’t believe he was hoping a child was already dead, but he knew the horror that awaited the child if he wasn’t.



Brian knew he shouldn’t have said those things to Justin, he loved him. He was his best friend, and the truth was he wanted to kiss him too. But then his dad found them, and everything went bad. He and Justin had been saying goodbye. He hadn’t known what a faggot was either until his father literally beat it into him. He would go over tomorrow and tell Justin he was sorry when he was in less pain. He heard the train whistle, he wondered what was on the track, they only blew the horn when something was on the track. Thank Goodness Justin left a while ago, he would have been scared with the train sounding off like that.

Brian shifted, his back and legs hurt from the belt marks. He hoped he felt better in the morning. He also hoped that Justin forgave him for being mean. Just as he started to drift off to sleep, he heard someone started to bang on the front door. His dad started cussing and he heard his mother say something and her light footsteps go down the hall. Usually, he couldn’t hear what someone said at the front door, but Justin’s mother was loud enough for him to hear.

“Is Justin here?”

“No, of course not, why would he be here?” Brian’s mother asked.

“He’s not in his room. He’s nowhere in the house. Please, can I ask Brian if he knows where he is?”

“Brian is asleep,” his mother said sternly.

“I’m going to talk to Brian right now, if you want to stop me, I’ll put you on the floor,” Justin’s mother said harshly.

He heard two sets of footsteps rushing down the hallway.

“Which one is his room?” Justin’s mom demanded.

“Leave now,” his mom said.

Brian got out of bed, hobbled to the door, and opened it. Justin’s mom was standing outside Claire’s room.

“Mrs. Taylor?”

“Brian, honey, do you know where Justin is?”

“No, ma’am. He was here earlier but left a while ago.”

“What time?”

Someone started to knock frantically on the front door again. His dad slammed open his door and he marched down the hallway to answer the door. Brian tried not the flinch at the man’s movements.

“What the hell do you want?” his father asked as he opened the door.

Brian saw it was Justin’s older brother Craig, he looked white as a sheet. Craig’s girlfriend Jennifer was beside him; she was crying. Brian absently noticed that her shirt was buttoned up wrong. “I need to see my mom.”

His dad huffed and went back to his room slamming the door. Craig came in his eyes went straight for his mother.

“Mom, we found Justin.”

“Oh, thank god,” she said grabbing her chest.

Craig started to cry. “No Mom, he’s…he’s…”

“He’s what?” she demanded.

“He’s gone Mom. The sirens that we heard; they were for Justin.”

Brian had heard the sirens when he was trying to sleep but didn’t think they had anything to do with Justin. As close as they were he thought it had something to do with the train.

“NO!” he and Mrs. Taylor yelled at the same time.

There was no way Justin could be gone. Craig was wrong, he had to be. There was no way Justin was dead.



Two days later, Brian refused to go to the funeral. He didn’t want to live in a world that Justin wasn’t in. His best friend was dead and the last things he said to him were cruel and vile. For the rest of his life, he would never love anyone else, his heart would always belong to Justin Taylor.



“Craig, I need to tell you something,” Jennifer said.

She had been worrying on this for a few days since the day she found out. Craig had been in a depressed state since his little brother died. They were having sex in Criag’s new car when they saw his mother run out the door and get in her car and drive off. They found out from his dad that they couldn’t find Justin. Craig had said that Justin went across the track when he visited Brian so they decided to see if they could find him. That’s when they found the cops. The flashing lights made it a little easier to see. She heard Craig scream but didn’t know why until she saw a little shoe peeking out from under the sheet on the tracks. It was a shoe she had come used to seeing, blue and red sneakers, Justin was notorious for leaving them in the entranceway.

They hadn’t been together intimately since that night, and since it had been the first time together in a few weeks, she knew it was that night they conceived. She didn’t know how she was going to tell Craig.

“Craig.”

“What?” He didn’t look up from the television, it was late, and the broadcast has ended message was on.

“I have something to tell you.”

“Did you get that internship you wanted?”

He wasn’t listening, not really. “No, actually I’m pregnant.”

Now she had Craig’s attention, his eyes were wide. “Really? When? We’re always careful.”

“That night.” She didn’t need to go in more detail.

“Oh.” He was quiet for a moment. “If it’s a boy, can we name it Justin?”

“I think that would be wonderful.”



Craig couldn’t believe how much his son looked like his baby brother. Justin was a dead ringer for his uncle, it made his heart hurt more but made him feel a little more whole again. In some way, he liked to think that it was God realizing the mistake he made by taking Justin that fateful night. Because the night his brother died was the same night his son was conceived. It felt like the world was trying to right a wrong. His son had so many traits his brother had but most of all he had the megawatt smile that made the room light up. His mother and father doted on his son much more than normal grandparents did. He believed it was because of his son being a look-a-like for their dead child. He didn’t have the heart to stand in their way even if it caused problems with Jennifer. She didn’t know what it was like to lose a child or brother.



Justin could feel his heart pounding in his chest. He was really doing this, going to Liberty Avenue which was the gay part of town. He didn’t want to graduate high school as a virgin. He didn’t want to graduate without his first kiss with a guy. He had kissed Robin Banks in the eighth grade but that didn’t count, no matter how butch Robin was…she was still a girl.

Once he was there, he debated going back home, he stopped to lean against a lamp post. Not because he thought it was cool or anything, he was just trying to not pass out because his nerves were on edge. A man stopped by, and Justin didn’t really like him, when he turned him down the guy told him to run back home to mommy. He wished that were an option. His mom had died in childbirth with his little sister. His sister didn’t make it either, just leaving him and his dad. Then his dad couldn’t take it anymore and dropped him off at his grandparents one day and disappeared to places unknown. He loved his grandparents, but he always knew he was a crude replacement for his uncle.

It was weird though, sometimes he felt like he was having memories of another person’s life. Sometimes it felt like he lived another life. There was always a dark-haired boy in his dreams. He wondered who it was because he had never met him before.

Brian was coming out of Babylon when he was stopped short. By the lamp post there was a boy leaning against it. He looked like an older version of Justin, so much that Brian’s heart stuttered in his chest. He was unable to stop himself, he left his feet lead him to the ghost.

“Hi,” he said, his voice sounding raw to himself.

“Hi,” the blond boy who lived in his dreams said. He shook his head, Justin never got to be a teenager, hell, Justin never got to see his eleventh birthday.

“What’s your name?” he had to ask.

“Justin. Yours?” the boy said, smiling.

Coldness overtook him. “Who sent you? Who thought this was funny?”

“What?” The boy actually looked confused.

“Thought it would be funny, did they? They found someone who looks like him and do this to me.”

“I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”

All the sudden a car slammed on its breaks and an old man got out of a Benz. Brian looked at him, he looked familiar, but he couldn’t place him.

“Justin, what are you doing here? Your grandmother is beside herself,” the old man spoke. As soon as he did, Brian knew who he was. Almost twenty years and the loss of a son had aged him terribly.

“Sorry, Grandad. How did you know I was here?”

“Who do you think? Daphne could only say you were in the bathroom for so long.” The man grabbed the blond’s shoulder and turned him towards him, shaking him a little. “You can’t just run off like that. Do you know how scared we were?” The man’s eyes the traveled to Brian and everything clicked to both of them.

“Brian?” the man asked.

“Mr. Taylor.” He hadn’t seen him since the Taylors moved away from that house. He had heard that their older son had a baby soon after losing Justin.

“You two know each other?” the blond asked.

“Yes. And you’re never to see him again,” the man said pulling the boy to the car. As the boy was getting into the car Brian could swear, he saw Justin in the boy’s eyes. His Justin. The was no way he would let him go again, he just had to get some answers first.