Brian's POV

I invite him to my... to our bed, knowing very well that it might be the last time I can do it. He lays down and I come closer to him, spooning him. We stay like that for a long time, no one is saying anything, although I know that he is not sleeping. Neither am I – how could I? My life is slipping away from me and I at least try to cherish probably the last moments I have with him. He came back tonight, I'm not sure why, but I know it's not over. Fiddler's ghosts is laughing inside of my head, telling me with malice that any minute, any day, Justin may finally decide to leave me for him. I'm holding Justin even tighter than before, as if I was trying to memorise his body for the time when he'll not be here. But I know that nothing will ever be enough.

I try to remember how my life was before him and imagine it after he would be gone. I feel a tightening in my chest, I feel as if the air was being taken away from me, as if somebody was ripping my heart out of my body and leaving an open wound.

Do I really want it for myself? They tell me I'm an egoistic prick, and now am I really going to do (or not to do) something that I know will have such painful consequences for me? And for what? Because I'm too proud or too weak or too afraid to show him what he used to know anyway and now just needs a little reminder?

I know that since I met him, I had the biggest supporter in him. He would call me on my bullshit when necessary, but he would also defend me when others accused me of all the bad things happening around. I'm pretty sure that he played some role in the Kip story. And deep down I know that he would stand by my side even if I were suddenly sick or poor. It's like my mother asked: "God will always be there for me. God will never let me down. Who can you say that about?".

I guess I have someone like that. If only I could manage to express a bit of affection and make him want to stay. I hope it's not too late.

I'm considering my options. Life without him? Without his smile, laugh, enthusiasm, without the mess he is making around himself and the joy he is giving me? Without the hottest sex I have ever had in my entire life? Without being able to protect and help him when he needs it? I try to imagine this and all I see is emptiness. I see my friends, who are great, but are not him. I see tricks for whom being with me is just an achievement to boast about during the next party. I see myself alone in this bed after the tricks are gone. I don't want it but tears are flowing down my face without my control.

I have never felt more emotionally naked, but it doesn't matter anymore. Trying to take one or two deep breaths, which is not easy in my current state, I gather all the courage I have. I'm fucking terrified he will tell me that it's too late, that I should have showed him that I care weeks ago, and that he's moving out first thing tomorrow. But I have to try.

"I don't wanna lose you. Don't walk away."

My voice is shaking, but I did it. He is turning around in my arms, looking at me and at my teary eyes. God, when did it happen? Brian Kinney used to never cry. But he has also never faced the possibility of losing someone that precious, because he has never had anyone like that.

The moment our eyes meet, I know it was all he needed. Now it's him who is holding me, kissing my face, kissing my tears away.

"I won't walk away. But we need to talk tomorrow."

I don't care if he wants to give me some conditions or whatever. He said he is not leaving me and it's all that matters right now. We are falling asleep in each other's arms and for the first time in weeks I can tell myself that I did something else than to fuck things up.

The next morning I wake up early, it's Saturday so obviously he is still sleeping. I decide I need to make some changes and start treat him like he deserves, so I get up, dress quietly and go to a bakery downstairs to pick up some breakfast for us. I come back and make coffee, take the whole thing to the bedroom and gently wake him up with kisses. He seems to be surprised, but happy.

"What's the occasion?", he asks.

"You. You being here."

We eat and drink coffee in bed, and for once I don't care if we make a mess or not. I'm so overwhelmingly happy that I might as well be on some love drug. But I guess I have a right to feel that way – I almost lost him, but not quite – and he is still here, apparently not going anywhere.

Then we make love – twice – and then we talk. We really talk.

"I didn't want it all to happen. I'm sorry, Brian."

"Don't be. Maybe I needed a wake up call, maybe I needed to face being without you to finally admit that this is the last thing I want."

"But it happened partially because you were so distant recently. I felt there is no place anymore for me when you have your walls all around, your guard never down."

"This was a difficult time. You remember Vermont? I really wanted to go there with you. But not going to Chicago was not an option. I would lose my job and you know what it would mean. I was so stressed out that I didn't tell you how important it was for me. And then I came back and all I wanted to do was to celebrate with you, but you were not here."

"I didn't know that it was so important..."

"I should have told you. And when you made this picnic... It was the day when Ben got sick and I was sitting with Michael for couple of hours in the hospital. I was tired and most of all, I was feeling sick too. You know what this hospital reminds me of. Especially that Michael was there too, just like the last time. When I came home I just wanted to forget it all."

"Again, I didn't know. I'm so sorry."

And then we talk some more. I tell him I'm not ready to be monogamous with him, and I might not be for a long time, but I declare I'm willing to cut back on tricking, do it only when he's not with me and not bring anyone to the loft. Unless we are together and he initiates some group activities. I also promise him to be more open. And I promise myself to fucking grow up and treat him like I should treat one of the three most important people in my life. I fucked up royally, but I hope it is the last time.

Then he needs to go out because he has a shift at the diner, and I need to go to Babylon to check if everything is ready for the Rage party tonight. I tell him I'll pick him from the diner at 8 and I hold him for a long time before I let him go. I still cannot believe that this nightmare is over.

The party is a big success. Loads of people, tons of booze, everyone is excited about the comic. My instict when I'm in Babylon is to hunt, but I tone it down this time. I might not be monogamous anytime soon, but tonight I'm all for him. I actually barely let him go anywhere without me and I have this unexpected tenderness, a need to kiss him on the cheek every now and then or to stand behind him and hold him. He is so happy, glowing in all the attention I'm giving him. My Sunshine.

Suddenly my body stiffens and in two seconds he knows something is wrong. I see Ethan from across the room, apparently in search for Justin. I feel insecure again, but what can I do? I show Justin that the fiddler is here and wait for his reaction. He just turns around to face me and whispers in my ear:

"Remember, I'm here with you. I'm not going anywhere."

Ethan approaches us and starts his dramatic speech.

"I tried to forget about you, but I can't. You are all I think about."

"Let's talk outside," Justin tells him. "I will be back in a few," he tells me, and I see them leaving together. My heart is skipping a beat again because I know that if it had't been for that meltdown last night, he would be really leaving me right know. But I try to calm myself. He will be back.

And he is, in 15 minutes. I don't want to know what he told Ethan, as long as he is with me it doesn't matter. We dance the rest of the night away and then we leave together, horny from all the touching and kissing. I could have taken him to the back room, but decided tonight better not to. There will be time for that. I don't want us to become a semi-married couple right away and I have a feeling he doesn't want it either. But whatever happens, it seems that the worst crisis is over. For now of course, because it's us – always unstable, always in motion. Always fabulous.