He opened his eyes reluctantly as the early morning light made an impact on his senses. “Fuck”, he groaned as he rolled away from the glare, coming face to face with a man in his bed who was staring at him.

 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Brian groaned, catching sight of the dark headed man beside him, who was looking at him with a hangdog expression. “Shouldn’t you have toddled home to the Professor?”

 

Michael rolled on top of Brian and gazed at him with an expression so full of love and hero-worship that Brian wasn’t sure what he wanted to do more, laugh or vomit. “How can you say that after last night?” Michael replied while licking at his neck like a demented Alsatian.

 

“What the fuck… get off me” Brian grimaced, pushing Michael off him and rolling off the bed, trying to quiet the queasiness he felt at getting up too quickly. All he wanted was some water, Tylenol and a shower, not necessarily in that order.

He looked around for his jocks while trying to fend off Michael’s grasp on his arm. What the fuck was that about?

 

“Brian, come on, stop being an asshole and come back to bed. We don’t have to be at Ma’s until 1pm” Michael said, stretching out in what he hoped was a seductive pose, his dick showing signs of life as he displayed himself for Brian’s gaze. “After last night, surely you know that Ben and I are history?”

 

Brian stopped his search of his bedside table for anything resembling a painkiller to look at Michael in confusion.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” he said, wishing that he hadn’t caved into Michael’s demand that he attend Babylon last night. He was due to fly out to New York to see Sunshine today and he really didn’t need to be travelling with the mother of all hangovers. More importantly, he sure as shit didn’t need to be waking up to the sight of Michael naked with his legs splayed in an obvious attempt at seduction. Not having seen Michael’s cock up close and personal since they were fourteen, he was surprised and slightly embarrassed to note that the years had not been kind to him. Time had passed and they’d grown up, but Michael’s dick didn’t seem to have received the memo.

 

“Mickey, I feel like shit, my tongue has fur, and I have to catch a flight in less than three hours. If there is a good reason for you being naked in my bed with what resembles a hard-on, I’d love to hear it. If not, fuck off and let me get packed” he snarled as he pulled on his jocks and walked unsteadily toward the bathroom. Maybe a shower would help him clear the hangover and help him remember why the fuck Michael was on the outs with Zen Ben.

 

As the hot water cascaded down his back, Brian tried to piece together last night’s events. He’d been working like a dog for the last two weeks trying to secure a new account which promised several million dollars revenue to Kinnetik, and yesterday he’d finally closed the deal. It hadn’t been easy, particularly because his new client was an international concern, the vice-president of which had taken a distinct like to Brian and had spent most of the time imploring Brian to fuck him. There was a time when he wouldn’t have thought twice about giving Mr. Hugh Morgan what he wanted, but Brian had standards and he couldn’t bring himself to fuck a man in his sixties who looked like a pallbearer. Plus, he had learned his lesson with Kip; where business was concerned, he kept his fly firmly zipped. Therefore, Mr. Morgan had been flirted with, flattered and fussed over, but he didn’t get the fuck he was after. It had been a juggling act that had required deft handling, and Brian was pleased with the result. As he rinsed his hair he couldn’t help smiling at the thought that Justin would have been proud of his resolve.

Jesus, had it really been two months since he had seen him, touched him, fucked him? It didn’t seem that long and yet it felt like forever. Last night, all he’d wanted to do was get home, get naked, get some phone sex from Justin and then get some sleep. God, he wished he’d stuck to his original plan instead of going to Babylon with Michael.

 

At that moment, Brian felt cool air, causing his skin to break out in goose bumps. Rinsing the shampoo from his eyes, he was beginning to turn when he felt a hand on his cock. Brian’s head snapped back, startled by the contact, in time to see Michael closing the shower door with one hand while continuing to grasp Brian’s cock in the other. His expression was too reminiscent of a cat who’d had a shitload of cream for Brian to take. Stepping back out of reach momentarily, Brian grasped the hand that was trying unsuccessfully to harden his cock. “What the fuck, Michael. Have you lost your fucking mind?” he growled, backing away from the grasping hands of his supposed best friend. ”I don’t know what the fuck you took last night but you need to calm the fuck down”.

 

Michael looked surprised and then, with a condescending look, smiled at Brian like he was humouring a small child. “I know you hate talking about feelings but could we please skip the part where you tell me you don’t believe in relationships, but in fucking? I know that I’m different. You wouldn’t have fucked me last night if that were not the case. You don’t fuck your friends remember? And you and I have always loved each other. You don’t have to hide your feelings anymore Brian” he said as he again reached for Brian’s cock, stroking up and down in a determined manner. “You’ve finally admitted your feelings and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Ben and I are over and you and I can become what we were always supposed to be, best friends AND lovers”.

 

As he talked, Michael continued to stroke Brian’s cock, using every trick he knew to get Brian’s semi hard cock to co-operate. Brian however was too shocked to react, never mind get hard. “What the fuck Mickey. We didn’t fuck, and quit it” he commanded, again backing away from Michael’s grasping hands. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re on but you need to get a grip of yourself. Seriously, did you hit your head or something?” he asked concernedly, feeling along Michael’s scalp for any sign of a bump. “You’ve obviously hurt yourself or else you’re fucking sleep walking. Either way, get a fucking grip. Why are you here instead of home with your hubby?”

 

“Briaaaaan”. Michael’s whinging voice made Brian’s headache even worse as he tried, and failed, to make sense of the situation he now found himself in. Why couldn’t he remember the previous night’s events? Knowing he was flying out today, he had limited himself to a few beers and one shot of beam. Why was he having trouble piecing together what he’d done? And why the fuck was Mickey trying to give him a hand job? Maybe he was hallucinating, he thought, as he pinched himself in the stomach, resulting in a bruised abdomen but nothing else. He was still stuck in the shower with Michael who was persistently trying to jerk him off.

 

Turning off the water, he manhandled Michael out of the shower and, having dried himself off, pushed him towards the chaise lounge in the sitting area. Instinctively, he knew that this much-needed conversation should definitely not be happening in the bedroom. Standing over Michael, the anger and confusion seemed to pore off Brian in waves as he paced back and forth in front of him, trying to calm his thoughts and apprehension before stopping and looking Michael straight in the eyes.

 

“Now Mickey, I want you to tell me what the fuck happened last night. And please stick to the facts, this is not the time for you to narrate the plot of one of your comics”.

 

Michael starred into Brian’s eyes with the same condescending glance that had so disconcerted Brian already this morning. “Brian, you don’t have to play this game, not with me. Last night you finally admitted your feelings”

 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Brian raked his fingers through his hair, agitation plainly evident in his actions and expression. Michael continued to hold his gaze and stated firmly and definitively. “Last night at Babylon you finally admitted that you loved me, that you were IN love with me, and that you wanted to spend your life with me. You then brought me back here and fucked me… made love with me and promised that you would always be true to me. I have never been happier in my entire life”.

 

And with those words, Brian’s world crashed around his feet. He had officially entered the Twilight Zone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter Two –

“Last night at Babylon you finally admitted that you loved me, that you were IN love with me, and that you wanted to spend your life with me. You then brought me back here and fucked me… made love with me and promised that you would always be true to me. I have never been happier in my entire life”.

And with those words, Brian’s world crashed around his feet. He had officially entered the Twilight Zone.

 

The thumping on the loft door saved Brian from having to form a coherent sentence. As he pulled the door aside, he nearly cried with relief when he saw who was standing there.

“Deb, thank god you’re here, there’s something wro…” Brian began before being slapped in the face, hard. Debbie glared at him, her face the colour of her hair as she readied herself to take another swing.

“You goddamn asshole” she screeched, trying to get a clear swing at Brian, while he attempted to evade her by waving his towel around as protection.

Michael watched, unable to decide whether to calm his mother down, or continue to watch a naked Brian make like a matador while the bull, i.e. Debbie, charged him. Michael figured she’d run out of steam eventually, so he lay back on the chaise watching Brian’s cock bounce and his ass jiggle. God he was gorgeous.

“Deb, will you calm the fuck down ple.., ouch, for fucksake Deb” Brian shouted as he didn’t quite duck in time when Deb fired her shoe at him. “Are you fucking insane?”  

Brian managed to get behind the kitchen island so that he now had some protection from Debs wrath. Deb, frustrated in her attempts to slap Brian again, snarled, “Don’t fuck with me, you little shit. Ben told me, he told me everything”

“Well, could you fill me in then? Cause I sure as shit don’t know…. Jesus fuck, Debbie, would you just stop?”

Brian squeaked as a rolling pin came flying too close to his balls for comfort. In a last ditch attempt to escape the deranged Debbie, Brian threw his towel at her, covering Deb’s head, and managed to pin her arms down as he wrestled her into a bear hug/choke hold. After a few tense minutes of struggling and swearing, muffled by the towel over her head, Deb began to calm down. At least she wasn’t trying to maim him at the moment.

“Deb…” Brian spoke softly so as not to rile her up again “… what’s wrong?”  Deb’s anger seemed to deflate as Brian removed the towel from her head, which was a mistake as she was now crying and snotting all over his bare chest. Brian didn’t mind bodily fluids, so long as they were deposited by a hot piece of boy ass, not a middle aged woman with a resemblance to Ronald McDonald.

“Just tell me what’s wrong, Deb” he soothingly whispered to her as he rubbed her back awkwardly, trying to comfort the woman who, not two minutes ago was trying to castrate him. Christ, where was Justin when you needed him? He was better at all this touchy-feely stuff.

Deb sniffed and glared at Brian, sticking her finger in Brian’s face.

“I called Michael and Ben’s house this morning. Ben told me that Michael had left him and that Ben is leaving for Tehran to commune with the Amish or some shit”

Debbie’s face was getting red again and Brian backed away from her so that he was out of slapping distance.

“No, Ma…”  Michael interrupted, making his presence known to Deb for the first time since she’d stormed into the loft “… he’s going to Tibet to be a Buddhist Monk”

For the first time since she walked in, Deb was speechless, as was Brian, because Michael had walked naked from the chaise right up to Brian and had attached himself to Brian’s side and started rubbing his groin against Brian’s thigh.

“It’s for the best Ma…” Michael continued, tightening his grip as Brian tried to pry himself loose, “…Ben’s following his dream, and I’m following mine” With that, Michael slung his leg up around  Brian’s waist and tried to hump him.

“Oh… my… fucking… God” Debbie managed to splutter as her mouth opened and closed like a landed carp for a minute. Then she seemed to gather her wits and caught Mikey by the ear. “Michael Charles Novotny you listen to me you little shit. Stop with the pole dancer routine and get your ass back home to your husband. YOUR HUSBAND, REMEMBER HIM?” she roared as she tried to drag an unwillingly Michael away from Brian.

Mikey had managed to wrap both thighs around Brian’s waist with unusual strength and was now suspended between Brian on one side and Debbie on the other. Brian grabbed the pillar to try and stop being dragged away by Michael as a determined Debbie, still holding Michael’s ear, used her free hand to start spanking his ass.

As Michael bellowed and Debbie continued to beat his ass, Brian put his head against his arms that were wrapped around the pillar, anchoring him to the spot. He was starting to lose feeling as Michael’s thighs wrapped tighter and tighter around his waist, and wait… were does Michael’s balls he could feel pressing into the small of his back? Motherfucker.

Fighting the urge to throw up, Brian tried to focus on not letting Michael pull him along as Debbie tried to remove Michael’s earlobe. Naked S&M Tug O’ War with the Novotnys. How the fuck did this happen?

Debbie finally managed to get Michael to let go of Brian by threatening to put his nuts in the garlic crusher. As Brian concentrated on getting a full lungful of air and getting feeling back in his torso, he didn’t see the hand flying his way until it was too late.

“So Brian Fucking Kinney strikes again huh?” Debbie growled as she cocked her arm back to let fly again.

“Ma, stop it. Brian and I are in love. You can’t stop destiny” This little nugget of wisdom was enough to deflect Debbie’s ire back at Michael.

“You have thirty seconds to get dressed and outta this loft, Michael or so help me God, I will destroy every damn one of your superhero toys, including Wonder Girl” Debbie spat at him “Don’t you think I won’t” she threatened.

Michael’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head “Jeez Ma, it’s Wonder Woman and Super Girl, they’re different characters”

“I don’t care if it’s Wonder Pussy and Super Twat, you won’t be able to find the pieces of their dismembered asses if you don’t get yours OUTTA THIS LOFT”

Michael jumped at his mother’s threat and hurried into the bedroom, searching for his clothes, his “love” for Brian overcome by his concern for the safety of his collector’s items. Debbie turned her gaze to Brian but before she could open her mouth to berate him yet again, Brian spoke.

“Deb, I think we need to get Michael some help, he’s clearly lost his mind. He’s been mauling me since we woke up”

“And what did you think would happen Mr. High and Fucking Mighty Kinney? You know how Michael feels about you. Shit, I thought he was passed all this bullshit, happy with Ben. They were talking about travelling. Ben had been offered a sabbatical and wanted Michael to go with him. After the bombing he felt he should ‘seize the day by the balls’ or some shit, but you just had to do it”

Debbie didn’t look angry anymore, she looked devastated. Brian had to look away from the anguish on her face. As much as she drove him demented, and this morning’s antics were proof of that, he couldn’t stand to see her in pain.

 “Why, Brian? Why the fuck did you do it? To keep Michael here? Did you think you could just fuck him and run like all the rest of your tricks?”

 Brian’s head snapped back to look at Deb and it was now his turn to do a fish impression.

“Now back the fuck up, Deb” Brian demanded as he looked Deb. “I want you to listen.., are you listening?”

Debbie nodded her head but glared at Brian mutinously.

“I did not fuck Michael. He was in my bed this morning and since he woke up, he has been trying to get in my pants”

Debbie looked up and down Brian’s naked form. “Seems to me he didn’t have to try very fucking hard”

Brian, never one to be ashamed of his nudity, actually blushed, and had to stop himself from covering his dick with his hands like a nervous schoolgirl… or rather school boy, since girls don’t have dicks…  “Jesus Brian, FOCUS” he thought to himself, and tried to explain once again.

“Deb, please listen to me. I think Michael must’ve hit his head, or had a seizure, or maybe his drink was spiked. Maybe mine was too. I remember he called me yesterday and begged me to go out with him because he wanted to discuss the whole sabbatical thing. We went to Woodies and talked and I think Emmett came later, but after that it gets a little blurry”

Brian paced and pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to remember what had happened. Drawing a blank, he turned and looked Debbie in the eye, holding her by the arms to make sure he had her full attention.

“I don’t remember everything Deb, but I can assure you of one thing. I DID NOT FUCK MICHAEL. I would never fuck Michael, not even with someone else’s dick”

Debbie’s eyebrows rose at that statement. “Are you trying to say my son is unworthy of The Slut of Liberty Ave? My Michael is a fucking catch, you fucking prick” And off she went again with the slapping. Brian had had enough, more than enough.

“Listen you crazy hag, I did not fuck him, never have, never will. Michael has lost his fucking mind and whatever caused it appears to be hereditary. I’m going to NY to see Sunshine and will try to forget that this morning ever happened. Now, take your bat shit crazy son and your bat shit crazy self OUT OF MY FUCKING LOFT”

With that final roar, Brian stormed up to the bedroom, grabbed Michael by the arm and marched him down the stairs, then grabbed Debbie by her arm and pushed the two of them out the door, slamming it closed. He leaned back against the door as he tried to make sense of this morning’s events. He needed to get away, needed to talk to Justin, needed normal.

Moving quickly, Brian started packing the bare essentials for his trip. He had only intended to stay in New York two nights and return early enough on Monday to get into Kinnetik at a reasonable hour. However, after this morning, he needed a fucking vacation. Ignoring the pounding on the loft door that had started shortly after he’d kicked out his unwanted visitors, Brian continued packing while he called Cynthia.

“Brian, to what do I owe the pleasure of this call on a Saturday, oh Lord” Cynthia snarked as she answered the call. Brian, having no patience for any more bullshit, snapped “Cynthia, I’m taking next week off. Reschedule what you can, deal with the rest yourself. I’m not to be contacted unless there are fatalities and even then, only if it’s someone I give a shit about and trust me, that list is fucking short”

Cynthia, realising that Brian was pissed off to a degree that she had rarely witnessed, meekly agreed and promised to look after things while he was away. Brian, hung up abruptly and finished packing while the pounding on the door got louder. Brian continued to ignore the racket and next called Justin, who, miraculously answered his phone on the first try.

“Well now Mr. Kinney, you forgot all about me last night. I was all naked and lubed up, favourite dildo in hand, and you left me hanging. I had to take matters into my own hands, so to speak. I’m going to have to punish you when you get here” Justin purred seductively when he answered the call.

Brian felt himself tear up with the sheer sense of relief that talking to Justin gave him. He didn’t want to get into this morning’s debacle with Justin over the phone, but he couldn’t stop himself from saying “I’m sorry to have left you hanging Sunshine but some shit has been happening and I…”

Brian tried to swallow back the emotion he was feeling “…I…need to…I thought maybe I could… well, I think I deserve a break so what do you say to my staying for the week? Will you have sufficient time to punish me properly?” he tried to joke as he attempted to hide his distress from Justin.

Justin was no fool however and knew something was wrong but knew that pushing Brian to tell him would be a waste of time. Better to wait until they spoke in person and get it out of Brian after fucking themselves silly.

“Brian, I say you can stay here for as long as you like; forever if it were up to me” Justin answered and then added quietly “You’re okay though, right? Physically alright I mean” Justin tensed as he waited for Brian’s reply.

Hearing the concern in the younger man’s voice, Brian replied just as quietly “I promise Justin, I’m fine. Just some stuff going on. I’ll fill you in when I get there”

In the silence that followed, Brian could almost hear the hamster in Justin’s brain scurry to figure out what was going on. Not wanting to worry Justin unnecessarily, Brian gathered his courage and said “I’ve missed you more than you know Sunshine. I’ll call you when I land” and quickly ended the call before saying anything else lesbianic.

God, he felt so much calmer, more centred from just hearing Justin’s voice. HE couldn’t wait to hold him, touch him, smell him, lick, kiss, suck and fuck him…

Thump! Thump! Thump!

Knocking on the loft door brought Brian out of his Justin-induced fantasy and, unfortunately back to reality

“Open the door asshole, right this minute you dickhead” Deb screamed “I’m not leaving until you open this door”

Brian just shouted back “Just fuck off Debbie, I’m not dealing with anymore of the Novotny crazy bullshit today. I’ve had my fucking quota for the rest of my life”

Brian got dressed quickly and was grabbing his bag and keys when his phone went off. Fucking Debbie. Not content with knocking the door off its hinges and screaming abuse at him, now she was tormenting him on the phone?

Brian decided to give her the tongue lashing of her life but before he could say anything, Deb said meekly

“Brian? I can’t leave”

“Why the fuck not?”

“My shoe is still in there, alright? I’m not walking down the street with one fucking shoe on”

Brian sighed and hung up, made sure he had what he needed, retrieved Deb’s shoe, and braced himself before quickly opening, closing and locking the loft door. Turning to face Deb and Michael, he shoved the shoe at Deb before dodging Michael’s grasping hands and ran down the stairs, shouting behind him as he ran “I’m off to see the Wizard, boys and girls, to see if I can get you two a fucking brain”

Brian made it to the front door, congratulating himself on having made his escape when he ran smack into Ted who was heading into Brian’s building. Brian tried to steady himself but momentum made him stumble and he landed on his ass with a thud.

“Oh my God, Brian, are you ok?” Ted asked concernedly, helping Brian to his feet and dusting off dirt from Brian’s clothes, paying close attention to Brian’s denim covered ass. Brian didn’t have time to berate Ted for his clumsiness, not to mention his handiness, as he was worried that Michael or Deb might catch up with him, so he just walked over to his corvette and threw his bag inside.

“Are you going somewhere Brian?” Ted asked, still looking concerned about Brian’s wellbeing.  “You shouldn’t go anywhere alone. You might have concussion. I’ll come with you”

“Concussion from falling on my ass? Really Theodore, I’d have thought you’d have grasped a rudimentary understanding of anatomy by now. Aren’t you and the ex-Crystal Queen fucking on a regular basis?”

Ted turned a very unflattering shade of red. “I don’t find that remotely funny Brian. You know full well that Blake and I have parted ways”

“Is that right?” Brian quipped, as he shut the trunk and moved to get into the driver’s seat of the Corvette. Thinking Justin might be curious about 12-steppers’ demise, Brian got in the car, started the engine, and lowered the window to look at Ted.

“Not that I give a shit but what caused this rift in Love’s Young Dream?”

Ted looked at Brian with a bemused expression on his face. “Well, Blake and I could hardly stay together now that WE are lovers” and with that, leaned over and stuck his tongue down Brian’s throat.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian shuddered again and shifted uneasily in his seat in First Class, trying to fight the urge to vomit. No matter how hard he tried, he could not shake the memory of Ted’s wet, pointy, oddly cool tongue moving around in his mouth.

 

At first Brian had been too stunned to move. He couldn’t think. Then the avalanche started.

 

 Ted is kissing me.

Ted is caressing my neck.

Ted is trying to extract my tonsils with his tongue.

Oh my fucking God.  

 

 

 

Having finally processed what was happening, Brian bit down, hard. Ted screamed and pulled away from Brian suddenly, hitting his head with a thump on the car door frame. With one hand clamped over his mouth and the other holding his head, Ted began hopping around the sidewalk, moaning in pain.

 

Brian determinedly put the Vette in gear and was just about to pull away when Michael jumped in front of the car, and the launched himself onto it, his face mushed against the windscreen.

 

“Brian, don’t let Ma keep us apart. We were meant to be. You and me, always” Michael said before launching into an extremely off-key rendition of ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’.

 

His performance was sadly cut short however when Ted, witnessing this romantic moment between Michael and HIS lover, walked calmly over to Michael and clobbered him with his briefcase. Brian watched in horrified fascination as Michael’s dazed face slid down the windshield, as if in slow motion, and ultimately ended up lying in the street in front of Brian’s car.

 

Brian took his opportunity to get the hell out of Dodge and launched the Vette into reverse, flying down the street in the wrong direction. As he turned the corner, he took one last look down Tremont to witness Debbie trying to separate Michael and Ted, who were determined to kick each other in the nuts.

 

Brian’s reverie was interrupted by the pilot announcing that they were preparing to land. As he fastened his seatbelt, Brian wondered how the fuck he was going to explain all this to Justin. Fuck it, he would figure it out later. His first order of business was to fuck the living shit out of Sunshine. Everything else could wait.

 

 

 

 

 

Justin sat in his apartment counting down the minutes until Brian arrived. He’d called to say his flight had arrived and should be there in thirty minutes or so. The stupid stubborn asshole wouldn’t even hear of Justin meeting his flight.

 

“Why the fuck would you want to do that, Sunshine? Is your little lesbianic heart all aflutter at the thought of a romantic airport reunion?”

 

Asshole.

 

While he waited, Justin thought about the call he’d just received from his mother. Apparently Michael and Ted had some kind of skirmish which had landed them both in hospital. Michael was being treated for a broken nose and a mild concussion. Ted’s condition was a little more serious.

 

 Jennifer had tried to state the matter delicately when she’d described his injury as a ‘dislocation of the testicle’. Which meant Michael had kicked Ted so hard in the balls, that one of them was now lodged in his abdomen. He was currently in surgery to see if they could retrieve his errant nut.

 

Jennifer didn’t know what had started the fight as Debbie had not been at her best when she called. Apparently between the screaming, crying, babbling and the shouting of obscenities, Jennifer had managed to catch the odd word or phrase that made sense. Like “Asshole... can’t keep his dick in his pants... my sweet boy...stripper... bad influence”. So naturally Jennifer was wondering if Justin had heard from Brian.

 

Justin wondered what the hell could have caused Michael and Ted to go at each other like that. Thank God Brian was here in New York. As much as Justin liked Ted and Michael, he did not want to sacrifice his time with Brian to play Florence Nightingale. It was too precious.

 

They had both been diligent about making time for each other since Justin’s move to the city almost eighteen months ago. But in the last few months, Brian’s workload had increased to an almost unimaginable amount. He barely had time to eat and sleep. But Justin knew that it would be worth it in the end. Kinnetik NY was becoming more and more of a reality, and the move would commence in a matter of months.

 

Not that the gang knew that. Well, Ted did, but he had been sworn to secrecy while Brian threatened to remove his balls if he talked. Although, Justin chuckled to himself, Michael seemed to have made a pre-emptive strike.

 

Justin was jolted back to the here and now when the door of his apartment was flung open to reveal Brian standing there, looking so goddamn hot that all thoughts of Ted’s balls were forgotten. It was time to fuck.

 

 

 

 

 

Brian and Justin lay sprawled naked on the bed, sated at least temporarily, sharing a cigarette and enjoying the mere fact of being close to each other. Absentmindedly, Brian ran his fingers through Justin’s silky hair. It had grown noticeably longer in the time they had been apart. It had been too long, much too long.

 

Brian was enjoying the easy silence between them when Justin rolled toward Brian and propped his head up on his hand and gave him a mischievous look.

 

“So, tell me about what’s going on with Michael and Ted”

 

The shock made Brian, who had been enjoying his fifth post-coital smoke, start coughing violently, unable to catch his breath. Fuck, fuck, fuck. What did Justin know? And why was the little fucker thumping him on the back. Oh yeah, the coughing.

 

“Water” Brian managed to spit out as he lurched his way to the refrigerator, trying to gather his thoughts and devise a plan of action. Once he had summoned up the courage, he returned to the bedroom.

 

“You okay?” Justin asked, as he watched Brian walk restlessly from one side of the room to the other. Although, since the room was so freaking small, it looked like Brian was doing some weird ancient pagan dance which involved pivoting in circles while naked. If it weren’t for the sombre expression on Brian’s face, Justin would’ve been laughing his ass off right about now.

 

Brian finally stopped pacing and turned to face the younger man.

 

“Justin, I need to tell you some stuff and I need you to not speak until I’m finished. Can you do that?”

 

Brian Kinney volunteering to talk, the world must be coming to an end, Justin mused.

 

“Okay”

 

Brian took a deep breath and blurted out,

 

‘Michael is in love with me and left Ben and slept in our bed last night naked, and says we fucked, and tried to hump me and give me a lap dance (did you know his dick was that small?)...

 

... and Debbie threw a shoe and a rolling pin at me and hit me a lot...

 

...And after I threw them out Theodore fucking kissed me and thinks we fucked and I had to gargle a full bottle of mouthwash to get rid of the taste...

 

... and I didn’t fuck them but I think they might have drugged me last night or we all had an accident which caused memory loss or some shit...

 

“...because I don’t remember much after Woodies but there is no way I had a threesome with Mikey and Ted and I think they might have joined a cult....

 

... and I need you to believe me because Debbie fucking doesn’t and I don’t lie”

 

By this time Brian was running breath and energy so he just sat down at the foot of the bed waiting for Justin to speak.

 

Justin just sat there absolutely stunned. His immediate thought was he had never, in all the time he had known Brian Kinney, heard him say that much in one go. He hadn’t realised that Brian was even capable of babbling to that extent, especially considering that he was sober.

 

The second thought that hit him made him sit up straight and look Brian in the eye.

 

“Are you telling me that Michael says you fucked him?”

 

“Yes”

 

“And you slept together naked?”

 

“Yes”

 

“And you don’t think you fucked him but you can’t remember what happened last night?”

 

“Yes”

 

“Because you were ruffied or you all sustained a group head injury?”

 

Brian huffed “Well, when you put it that way it sounds ridiculous?

 

Justin launched himself off the bed and started doing a little pagan pivot dancing of his own.

 

“That made it sound ridiculous? For fucksake Brian, there are fucking sci fi B-movies that are more fucking believable” Justin shouted as he started pivoting in the opposite direction. Brian was starting to get motion sickness just watching him.

 

“Who else was out with you guys last night?” Justin demanded to know as he picked up his cell preparing to call whoever he needed to, to find out what the fuck was going on.

 

Brian ran his fingers through his hair agitatedly as he tried to put some order to his vague recollections.

 

“Well, Mikey and me met at Woodies and Emmett joined us for a while but I don’t think he meant to stay long as he was waiting for Ted to meet him there”

 

“And where did you go after that?” 

 

“I DON’T FUCKING KNOW JUSTIN OKAY?” Brian shouted, but then the fight just went out of him and he looked at Justin dejectedly. “I really don’t know Sunshine. I swear I would tell you if I did”

 

Justin looked at Brian and saw how confused he looked. Rationally, what Brian told him had to be the biggest heap of shit he had ever heard. But emotionally? Justin knew Brian didn’t lie.

 

Fudge the truth?

 

Certainly.

 

Lie by omission?

 

Most definitely.

 

Prevaricate, mis-direct and mis-lead?

 

You betcha.

 

If Brian had fucked Michael, wouldn’t he just admit to it? It wouldn’t be like him to make up some bullshit story about amnesia or being ruffied. And Ted? There is just no way Brian would fuck him. He would sooner cut off his own dick.

 

Justin needed some fucking answers. And since two of the three people he could call about this were in the fucking hospital. That left just one.

 

 

 

 

“Hi Em” Justin said as he walked into the bathroom to get some privacy, glaring at Brian as he went, to indicate that Brian had better not fucking follow him.

Locking the door, Justin turned and sat on the closed toilet, holding the phone away from his ear as Emmett screamed.

“HEY BABY. Oh my god it is sooooo good to hear from you. Though I’m at the hospital so I may not have time to chat for very long. How are you sweetie? I take it you heard about Teddy and Mikey? Handbags at dawn, baby”

Justin affirmed that he had indeed heard the news and asked how the patients were doing.

“Well, Mikey looks like he has two faces at the moment. His nose is....ew.... well I just told him to look at the bright side. Seeing as he’s gonna have a nose job anyway, he could ask those scrummy doctors to straighten it a little. Every dark cloud I say”

Justin had to laugh at Emmett’s asssessment of the situation. Then he enquired about Ted.

“Well baby, I thought that saying “gonna kick your balls so hard you’ll feel them in your throat” was just an expression, not an actual thing. Makes me wanna keep my legs crossed, you know?”

Justin couldn’t control his giggles after hearing that. It took him a few minutes of listening to Emmett describe the ‘to die for’ male nurse that he had fucked in the dispensary before he could steer the conversation back to what he needed to know.

“So do you know what they were fighting about?” he asked, trepidatiously awaiting the reply.

“No clue, honey. Michael isn’t doing much except whining and asking for Brian and Teddy is out cold awaiting his ball reallignment. Deb is incoherent. The doctors had to sedate her, can you believe it?

“Did something happen last night? I know you guys were at Woodies. How did your night go?”

“We had a ball, baby. Teddy and Mel were there, you know she is in town for that conference thingy right? Well, I was early for once because I had this fabulous new pair of lemon pleather pants that just had to be admired by all of Gay P.A.and I sat Brian and Michael, soaking in the admiration. Then Teddy and Mel came in and we had some drinks and girl talk, you know the usual”

“Then what?” Justin urged him, wishing he would just get on with it.

“Well we went to Babylon for a little while but Michael, Mel and Ted were such a bore. Michael is all ‘should I go to Timbuktu with Ben’ and Mel was all ‘maybe we were premature in going to Canada’ and Ted was all ‘Will Blake and I make it? Is he ‘The One’? Honestly honey, I’ve had more fun at church, you know?”

“How did Brian take all this introspection?”

“Well, Sweetie he looked like someone had forced him to go down on a lesbian. You should have seen his face, baby. Lady Disdain aint got nothing on Brian Kinney”

Justin had to laugh at this colourful description of Brian’s ‘pissed off’ face.

“Did you guys stay long?”

“No way. With those three acting like that? I convinced them to go to that new place Marty’s you know, near the gym? Had a few drinks and laughs but then Hans called me, you know that dreamy hunk o’man I emailed you about...?”

Justin had no idea what Emmett was talking about but he just made encouraging noises for Emmett to keep going.

“...well he finally got back into town and wanted to stop by my place to ‘get to know me better’ so I made like Cinderella and made a hasty retreat home before he turned into a pumpkin”

“Did the others leave with you?”

“No honey, they stayed out.... oh the doctor is coming to update me on Ted so I gotta go baby, okay? Toodles”

And with that, Emmett hung up and Justin was nowhere nearer to figuring out what was going on. On the plus side, Emmett didn’t appear to be in ‘love’ with Brian so that was something.

As Justin sat and tried to digest all that he had heard today, the phone rang again.

 

 

Since Justin had locked himself in the bathroom, Brian didn’t know what to do with himself. Would Justin believe him? Trust him?

Fuck, how could Justin believe any of this shit when Brian could hardly believe it himself? And he had fucking lived through every cringe-worthy, vomit-inducing minute of it. If he lived to be a hundred, Brian would never forget the sensation of Theodore’s tongue in his mouth, or the feel of Michael’s balls on his back.

There are somethings that you can never un-see, un-feel,  or un-know.

As Brian came to this horrific realisation, the bathroom door opened slowly and Justin walked out, looking like he had been punched in the gut.

“Sunshine?” Brian said softly, terrified of what he might hear.

Justin looked up into Brian’s eyes and gave him a small smile. He could tell that Brian was afraid; desperately waiting for Justin’s verdict, yet dreading it at the same time. Walking slowly to stand in front of him, Justin gently took Brian’s face in his hands and said;

“Brian, I believe you”

“What? How? What? Really?”

Justin giggled at the elated confusion Brian was displaying. It was such a rarity to see this vulnerable, raw side of Brian.

“I believe you Brian. I’d pretty much decided to have faith before I went into the bathroom. You don’t lie, and if you did, you’d sure as shit come up with a more plausible story than the crap I heard”

Brian had to smile at that “Well, I am a brilliant Ad Man Sunshine”

“Yes you are, and modest too” Justin laughed, stroking Brian’s cheek. “But then that last call confirmed it”

Brian looked at Justin quizically.

“What did Honeycutt have to say?”

Justin shook his head.

“No, it wasn’t what Emmett said, it was Lindsay”

“Lindsay? What has she got to do with anything”

“She called me to see i I knew where you were. She’s been trying your cell but couldn’t get through”

Brian swore under his breath as he rummaged in his jeans for his phone.

“Fuck, I forgot to turn on the ringer” Brian said as he looked at the display. “Jesus, fourteen missed calls. Is Gus okay?”

Justin hurried to reassure Brian.

“He’s fine Brian, don’t worry. But Lindsay is extremely pissed off with you”

“What the fuck is it now?”

Justin looked at Brian cheekily and said “Well she’s understandable upset considering Melanie called her and told her that she is leaving her...”

Brian’s expression of complete and utter befuddlement was so cute that Justin grabbed Brian’s face and kissed him so hard and so deeply that Brian’s knees nearly buckled. But he had to stay focused.

“Yeah, so Lindsay...” Justin continued as if he hadn’t just rocked Brian’s world with an incendiary make out session.

“... she’s understandably pissed at you because Melanie left her...”

Justin smiled up at Brian and waited for the explosion

“... because she is in hetero-love with you, Mr Brian Kinney, her nemesis!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian woke with a start and shot up into a sitting position.

 

His head was throbbing, his body ached and his eyes were blurry. Rubbing his eyes frantically, Brian could feel some kind of liquid on his skin.

 

Panic was beginning to set in. What was going on? And then it hit him.

 

Michael.

 

Ted.

 

Smelly Melly.

 

It was just a nightmare, a scary as shit nightmare, but a nightmare none the less.

 

 

 

Laughing at the realisation, Brian lay back with a grin on his face. Giving thanks to a god he didn’t believe in, he just basked in the relief he was feeling. As his heart rate calmed and the ringing in his ears subsided, Brian became aware of another presence in the room.

 

“...should I call an ambulance?...”

 

“...no, he just dropped like someone had pulled his battery out...”

 

“...yeah, he’s breathing... doing that wheezing thing he does...”

 

“... I threw a whole fucking jug of water on him Mom, he didn’t twitch...”

 

“...how the fuck would I know what his blood sugar levels are? Should I fucking lick him to see if he’s sweet?...”

 

“...look, I’m sorry for the language but I’m kinda stressed here, Mom. Brian Kinney doesn’t just fain... gotta go, he’s moving...I will ok... bye”

 

 

 

Justin threw his cell on the sofa and rushed over to Brian who was laying on the floor of the bedroom in a puddle of water.  

 

 

 

“Brian are you okay? How do you feel?” Justin enquired as he brushed the damp hair away from Brian’s eyes.

 

 

 

“Please open your eyes. You’re scaring the shit out of me”

 

 

 

Brian’s eyelashes fluttered open, his gaze immediately sought Justin’s, and he smiled sweetly.

 

 

 

‘Don’t worry Sunshine. It was all a fucking dream – like Bobby Ewing from Dallas”

 

 

 

Justin became more concerned.

 

 

 

“Who is Bobby Ewing? Brian, you’re not making sense. Come on, try to sit up and I’ll help you out of those wet clothes” he said as he helped Brian off the floor and sat him on the foot of the bed.

 

 

 

Brian looked down at his dampened shirt and the wet patch over his groin.

 

 

 

“Why am I wet?” Brian asked bemusedly

 

 

 

“I threw water on you”

 

 

 

“And why the fuck would you do that Sunshine?”

 

 

 

Justin looked down abashedly.

 

 

 

“I didn’t know what to do Brian. You just fainted and I tried to wake you but you were out cold and my mom said that I could try cold water so I threw a jug of water on you. And you still didn’t come to. I was about to call an ambulance”

 

 

 

Brian looked at Justin in disgust.

 

 

 

“I did not faint Sunshine. I’ve never fucking fainted in my life. What really happened? Were you trying to wake me so we could fuck?”

 

 

 

Brian leaned close to Justin’s ear and whispered seductively

 

 

 

“...next time, just touch me...” he said, caressing Justin’s neck

 

“...or lick me...” he continued, licking along the crease of Justin’s lips with a light touch, causing Justin to shiver

 

“...or kiss me..”

 

 

 

And with that, Brian swooped and devoured Justin’s lips, fully intent on extracting every ounce of pleasure he could.

 

 

 

Justin surrendered to the kiss, giddy with relief that Brian was okay after his fainting spell.

 

No, no, no. They needed to stop.

 

 

 

“Brian, stop”

 

“Why? I’m just starting to enjoy myself”

 

Justin reluctantly removed his lips from Brian’s.

 

“We need to deal with shit at home”

 

“Like what?” Brian said, kissing Justin’s neck.

 

Justin pulled away and looked at Brian like he had grown another head.

 

“What do you mean, like what? Michael, Ted and Mel are in ‘luurve’ with you. Any of this ringing a bell?”

 

“No no no NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!”

 

 

 

 

 

Several hours later, Justin had managed to calm Brian down using a number of tried and tested remedies

 

1. One stinging slap to Brian’s face – to stop the girlish shrieking.

2. Two blowjobs – given not received unfortunately for Justin.

3. Three stellar fucks -including one shower fuck

4. Three joints

 

 Relaxing on the sofa, the pair were now nicely buzzed, though an impartial observer might use the term completely wasted.

 

Justin jumped up to grab one of his sketchbooks and began to brainstorm ideas as to why Brian was now catnip for Michael, Ted and Mel.

 

“Okay...” Justin said as he sat cross-legged beside Brian and stared studiously at the page in his hands

 

“...so are we ruling out alien abduction?”

 

Brian snorted and took another toke. “Even fucking aliens wouldn’t willingly abduct Melanie”

 

“What about a hallucinogenic pollution cloud floating over Pittsburgh?” Justin posited.

 

Without even turning his attention away from his joint, Brian leaned over and patted Justin on the head. “Silly Sunshine...” he said patronisingly “...then everybody would be in love with me – well, more than usual that is”

 

Brian stole a glance and managed to dodge the slap that Justin gave him for that piece of modesty.

 

“Ooh ooh ooh ooh” Justin said, bouncing on the sofa in a manner resembling a hyperactive chimpanzee. “Remember that episode of Buffy where one of the characters had a magic jacket that had a spell on it which convinced all the women he knew that they were in love with him... even the lesbians?”

 

Justin jumped up on his feet and started doing a little happy dance at his own brilliance, then turned to face Brian with a blinding smile on his face. “THAT’S IT... SOMEONE PUT A SPELL ON YOUR JACKET”

 

Brian couldn’t help but burst out laughing, tears rolling down his face. The more he looked at Justin’s earnest face, the more he laughed.

 

“That’s fucking likely Sunshine...haha...do you think it’s my Chanel Tweed Jacket or my Donna Karen Trench Coat that did the damage?”

 

 

 

Brian tried to contain his mirth as Justin was looking just a teeny tiny bit pissed off and Brian would quite like to have sex again today.

 

Brian took a deep breath and wiped the tears of his face, composing himself.

 

 

 

“Ever hear of Achem’s Razor, Sunshine?”

 

When Justin shook his head, Brian continued

 

“...it’s a principle which basically says, ‘All things being equal, the simplest explanation is probably the correct one’. So I seriously doubt a magical jacket is the source of my current woes”

 

Justin got right in Brian’s face. He did NOT appreciate being mocked, especially when he was trying to be a supportive fucking partner.

 

“Well, Professor Kinney, in that case, the simplest explanation is that last night you had a four-way with Michael, Ted and Melanie, and, because of the irresistible lure of your superdick, they are all now in love with you”

 

 

 

Justin gave Brian an innocent look and batted his eyelashes; “What would Achem say about that?”

 

 

 

Brian looked like he’d swallowed a bucket of 4-day old jizz as he processed what Justin had just said. “Point taken Sunshine. So what do you think we do next?”

 

 

 

Just as Brian asked the question, Justin’s cell started ringing.

 

“Don’t answer it” Brian pleaded, afraid of what he might hear next.

 

“Don’t worry Brian, it’s probably just my mom checking up on you” Justin replied as he located his cell on the sofa.

 

Looking at the display, Justin didn’t recognise the number, but it had a Pittsburgh area code so he answered. God would he be sorry he did.

 

 

 

“Hello Melanie...” he said, gesticulating wildly at Brian to come closer so that they could both listen.

 

“...How are you?” he politely enquired.

 

Always the fucking WASP, Brian mused.

 

“Let’s cut to the chase, shall we Justin?” Melanie said in a no nonsense tone.

 

 

 

“I know that Lindsay told you about Brian and I, and I’m sorry if you are hurt, but that can’t be helped. But I think I have a proposal that we might find mutually agreeable”

 

 

 

Well this outta be good, Justin thought to himself.

 

 

 

“While I love Brian deeply and last night was truly the most memorable of my life, there are some aspects of a future with Brian that I find... how should I put this.... distasteful”

 

 

 

Brian, who initially had looked horrified at the thought of Melanie being anything other than Linsday’s superdyke, butch-bitch, inferior half – now looked offended at the thought of anyone, even Smelly Melly, finding any aspect of life with him ‘distasteful’.

 

 

 

Justin had to bite his knuckle to stop from laughing at the egotistical, vain idiot he was in love with.

 

 

 

“Such as?” Justin enquired, making a shushing sign at Brian who looked like he was about to argue the point.

 

 

 

“Well...” Mel continued “...to put it bluntly Justin, I’m having some issues with Brian’s dick”

 

 

 

Justin had to put Brian in a head lock and shove his T-shirt in his mouth to stop Brian from screaming blue murder at Mel. You could insult Brian about virtually anything and he wouldn’t bat an eyelid, but when it came to his dick, well.... that was just below the belt.

 

 

 

“...So I’m thinking that he can live with me during the week, and I can provide him with hand jobs if I’m sufficiently drunk, and I have quite an extensive collection of strap-on dildos. You could have him every second weekend and provide the blowjobs because as much as I adore him, there is no way this dyke is putting a dick in her mouth”

 

Justin and Brian were both stunned into silence.

 

“I really think this would be the best solution for all of us” Melanie blithely continued, unaware of Justin’s utter shock.

 

 

 

“Well, um ..um.. Mel..” Justin stuttered, unable to believe what he had just heard.

 

“That was, ahem, quite some proposal. Could I think it over and let you know?”

 

 

 

Brian stared at him incredulously with his t-shirt still stuck in his mouth.

 

 

 

“That would be fine Justin. But please remember, whether you accept me proposal or not, Brian is mine and you’d better accept that fact because I will fight to keep him if I have to” Mel stated vehemently. And with that she hung up.

 

 

 

Justin let go of Brian’s head and began to pace. Then he turned around and the look in his eye scared the shit out of the brunet.

 

 

 

“Pack your shit. We’re going to the Pitts” Justin ordered as he walked past Brian and started grabbing random items of clothing and throwing them into a duffle bag.

 

 

 

“What? Why?” Brian exclaimed as he tried to avoid getting caught to Hurricane Sunshine’s wake as he sped around the apartment.

 

 

 

“Six fucking years it took me to get us (i.e. you) to this place in our relationship. So those three bitches better watch the fuck out because if they try to fuck with me I will fucking KILL them.”

 

Justin grabbed Brian and sucked the face off him before he released him and stated,

 

 

 

“You are mine”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Brian steered the ‘Vette through the maze of roads surrounding the airport until he reached the freeway that would eventually return them to the loft.

 

 

 

Justin hadn’t spoken since they’d left the apartment in New York. That would have been shocking in and of itself, since the little fucker never shut up. But the expression on his face was not one Brian was familiar with, and, frankly, it was terrifying. But thankfully, for Brian’s sake, he was not the one who had inspired it. For once.

 

 

 

Justin had been okay when he had been packing, mad as hell at Mel, but relatively normal. It hadn’t been until Emmett called that shit got real.

 

 

 

Brian was sitting at what passed for a dining room table in Justin’s shoe box…uh, sorry, studio apartment, trying to book flights for them to get back to the Pitts later that day, when Justin’s cell rang yet again. Brian and Justin stared at each other, silently daring each other to answer it.

 

 

 

Justin threw the cell at Brian, but Brian simply raised an eyebrow and threw it back. “Not happening, Sunshine. With my luck it’ll be your mother calling to tell me she’s carrying my love child, and will insist that you start calling me ‘Daddy.’  And not in a good way.”

 

 

 

The expression of disgust on Justin’s face was comical, but having witnessed Justin’s temper earlier that day, Brian did not want to draw fire on himself, so he hid his smirk and looked back at the laptop in front of him. Justin harrumphed, but eventually decided to bite the bullet and answer the call.

 

 

 

“OH MY GOD, BABY!” Emmett shrieked as Justin answered the phone, “...you will not believe what has been going on here! Ted and Michael were fighting again, IN THE HOSPITAL! Can you believe that? It’s like watching a real life soap opera! We queers really know how to bring on the drama.”

 

 

 

“What happened?” Justin asked wearily, knowing that whatever he was about to hear could not be good.

 

 

 

“Well,” said Emmett, revelling in the gossip he was about to pass along, “...Michael asked me if I would help him walk over to Teddy’s room so they could talk. And I wanted two of my dearest friends to reconcile, so I agreed.”      

 

 

 

Not to mention, if the ‘reconciliation’ went badly, Emmett would have a front-row ticket to Round Two of Dumb vs. Dumber, Justin thought cynically.

 

 

 

“But when we got to the room…,” Emmett continued breathlessly,”...Teddy took one look at Michael and threw a vase of flowers at us. Thankfully, I managed to duck, as I’m very flexible,” Emmett congratulated himself. “But Michael, well, he wasn’t so lucky. But no worries; the doctors think they can straighten out this new break to his nose in no time at all.”

 

 

 

“Do you know yet what they were fighting about?” Justin inquired, suspecting that Emmett knew more than he was letting on. Turns out he was right.

 

 

 

“Well, Baby, you know I don’t like to gossip...” Emmett responded coyly.

 

 

 

Yeah, right, Justin thought, and I don’t like to take Brian’s dick up the ass.

 

 

 

 “...but it seems that both Michael and Ted had sex with Mr. Kinney last night. Now don’t you worry, honey, I’m sure Brian just thought an orgy would be a good way to, I don’t know, pass the time,” Emmett added, trying to reassure Justin. “But you know Michael; he’s taking it all a bit seriously.”

 

 

 

Brian fucked them to ‘pass the time?’ Brian wouldn’t fuck them to save his life.  Justin reacted angrily to Emmett’s fucked up logic, but he held his tongue.

 

 

 

“In fact,” Emmett continued, “...Michael has broken up with Ben. He even told Ben that he could keep their house since he would be moving into Britin with Brian.”

 

 

 

Justin’s gasp of outrage went unnoticed as Emmett continued, blissfully unaware. “Although Michael wants to change the name. He can’t decide between Kinnotny Castle and Novinney Manor.”

 

 

 

And that was the last straw for Justin. “THAT MOTHERFUCKING, NO GOOD, WHINING, MOANING, TINY-DICKED, STUPID-HAIRED, SQUINTY-EYED, MOMMY’S BOY, FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!

 

 

 

And with that he flung the phone across the room, unintentionally hitting Brian in the stomach. Brian picked up the phone, and noticed that the call was still connected.

 

 

 

“Honeycutt…” he growled.

 

 

 

“Oh, my God, Brian, is Justin okay? Was it something I said?”

 

 

 

“What do you think, you moron?”

 

 

 

“Well, really, Brian, there’s no need for name-calling,” Emmett responded indignantly. “I shall bid you adieu, and will speak to you again when you can keep a civil tongue in your head.” And with that, Emmett disconnected the call.

 

 

 

After Justin’s tantrum, he had just stopped talking, not as they left the apartment, not as they boarded the flight, nor as they disembarked. But as they pulled up in front of his Tremont Loft, Brian had a feeling that the silence wouldn’t last much longer.

 

 

 

 

 

As Brian pulled back the gate of the elevator, he groaned at the sight before him. When will this fucking end?

 

 

 

“Well, asshole! Hope you’re fucking happy! My baby is in the hospital having life-threatening surgery, because you just had to have sex with him!”  As Debbie approached Brian to give him what seemed to have become a customary slap across the face, Justin inserted himself between them.

 

 

 

“I think you should know, Deb,” Justin said with a quiet menace, “...that if you slap Brian, he won’t slap you back. BUT I WILL!”

 

 

 

Debbie had been so focused on Brian – the Villain of the Day – she hadn’t been aware that Justin was there until he started to speak.

 

 

 

“Sunshine...what...what are you doing here? Oh, it’s so good to see you, honey!” Debbie exclaimed, attempting to wrap Justin into one of her bear hugs, but he was having none of it.  As she gazed at him quizzically, she seemed to visibly shake her head to refocus on the matter at hand.

 

 

 

“What do you mean, ‘you’ll slap me’, you little shit?” she screeched as she realized what he had said, jabbing her finger in his face, causing her numerous bracelets to rattle like a snake. “Do you know what that asshole has done? He’s turned my poor sweet boy’s head, and made him fuck up his life!” she growled, as she turned her venomous glare toward Brian.

 

 

 

“Brian hasn’t done anything, Deb. But I know what your dick-headed, dim-witted, douche-bag of a son has done!” Justin roared at a suddenly white-faced Debbie. “He’s finally cracked and gone completely, fucking insane. He’s landed HIMSELF in the hospital, he’s broken up HIS OWN marriage, and because you’ve raised him to whine, moan and play the victim, that’s exactly what he’s doing. And the fault for that isn’t on Brian, it’s on YOU!”

 

 

 

With that, Justin marched to the loft door, unlocked it, and opened it with unnecessary force. Turning to a gobsmacked Debbie and Brian, he said “Now, you can come in and discuss this situation in a civil manner like a normal person, or you can fuck off. But trust me, if you say one more word against Brian, you’ll be in the hospital yourself, having my shoe surgically removed from your ass!  ARE WE CLEAR?”

 

 

 

Debbie gawked soundlessly at him for a moment, and then nodded meekly. Brian was in shock himself as both he and Deb walked cautiously through the doorway and entered the loft.

 

 

 

“Now, Debbie,” Justin said with a smile, like he hadn’t just literally threatened to put her in the hospital, “...may I offer you something to drink? Tea? Coffee? Something stronger, perhaps?”

 

 

 

Once a wasp, always a fucking wasp, Brian thought to himself as he shook his head wryly.

 

 

 

Debbie gulped and stuttered, “Yeah...ah, yes, please. I mean, um... some beer would be good, Sunshine.”

 

 

 

“And you, Brian?”

 

 

 

When Brian nodded his head, Justin walked to the refrigerator, retrieved three bottles of beer, and popped the caps expertly before handing them out. “Now let’s sit and discuss what’s going on.”

 

 

 

“Hold that thought, Sunshine. I really need to piss,” Brian informed him as he put down his beer, hopped up, and headed toward the bathroom.

 

 

 

“Couldn’t you have said ‘take a leak’?” Debbie shouted at a retreating Brian. “Jesus...,” she muttered, looking back at Justin. “...he has no fucking manners.”

 

 

 

As Brian washed his hands, he looked at his rumpled clothes and unshaven face. He would have killed for a shower, but with Justin in the mood he was in, he couldn’t leave him and Debbie alone together for long, or there may be bloodshed. But he definitely had time to change his clothes.

 

 

 

Walking from the bathroom into the bedroom, he bent down to grab sweats and a tee shirt from the bottom drawer. And then he felt a hard cock grinding against his ass. Brian turned around, expecting to find Justin, but instead, he saw the worst sight he had ever seen in his life. Ever.

 

 

 

“MY EYES!!!... MY EYES!!!!”

 

 

 

Justin and Debbie looked at each other in shock, then, as one, jumped up and ran to the bedroom where Brian’s bloodcurdling screams were coming from.

 

 

 

The sight that met them was astonishing. Brian was cowering in the corner of the bedroom, dry-heaving. The cause of his distress was standing in front of him, demanding that he get up. Both Justin and Debbie gasped.

 

 

 

Melanie whirled around at the sound. She stood there, bare-ass naked, with the exception of wearing a vomit-green, 12-inch, strap-on dildo, and a battered pair of Dr. Martin’s on her feet. Putting her hands on her hips, she glared at Justin and Debbie, annoyed at having been interrupted.

 

 

 

“Would you mind leaving?” she said sharply. “Brian and I are trying to have a private, romantic moment here!”

 

 

 

Debbie appeared frozen to the spot, but Justin burst into action. Running to the kitchen, he grabbed what he needed, then, returning to the bedroom, he turned to Mel and shouted, “I’ve had about enough of your bullshit as I’m going to take, bitch!  You sooo have this coming!”  And with that, Justin pulled the pin and pointed the fire-extinguisher at Mel before letting her have it.

 

 

 

The first blast hit Mel in the face. The next blast was aimed at her tits, because, frankly, Justin didn’t want to look at them. Though she tried to evade him by running around the loft, she couldn’t shake an enraged Justin, who continued to spray her until the extinguisher ran out of foam. Melanie and Justin were in a Mexican standoff when Debbie seemed to remember how to speak. “Jesus, Melanie! You look like a fucking snowman with a hard-on!”

 

 

 

Justin snorted, and then began to giggle. He then began to laugh. And laugh hard. Debbie joined in, and soon the pair of them were trying to hold each other up as they laughed uproariously, tears rolling down their cheeks. Melanie was outraged, not only because her night of passion with Brian had been ruined, but also because she did not appreciate being a subject of ridicule.

 

 

 

Cursing at the pair of laughing hyenas, she grabbed her clothes from the bedroom, blew a kiss at Brian (who was still curled up in the bedroom, with a traumatized expression on his face), and then walked back into the sitting area to hurriedly get dressed.

 

 

 

Whatever hope Justin and Debbie had of calming down was soon obliterated by the sight of Mel trying to stuff the strap-on into the crotch of her pants so she could zip it up. With a grunt of frustration, Mel just gave up and threw on her coat which, mercifully, was big enough to cover her plastic stiffy. She gave the hysterical pair another disdainful look before she left, her chin held high.

 

 

 

“What the fuck was that?” Debbie managed to say, having gotten some of her breath back.

 

 

 

“Deb,” Justin replied ruefully, “... you probably wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

 

 

 

 

 

Justin didn’t have enough time to try his usual remedies on Brian, seeing as Deb was currently trying to mop up the foam that was all over the loft. But he managed to revive Brian by providing one stellar blowjob and several shots of Beam. Brian seemed to be feeling a bit better, but every now and then he would have a full body shudder and start retching, while Justin, who was now feeling much more relaxed after venting his pent up anger at Melanie, couldn’t help but giggle at the expression on Brian’s face.

 

 

 

Eventually the loft was as clean as they could get it, so all three grabbed fresh beers, sat around the kitchen island, and passed around a joint. Debbie eventually broke the silence. “So which of you wants to tell me what the fuck is going on?”

 

 

 

Brian and Justin did their silent communication thing again, and eventually Justin told Debbie the whole, unbelievable story. Debbie was silent for several minutes as she digested what she had been told. After taking several swigs of beer, she looked at the two boys.

 

 

 

“You know, this kinda explains something Ted said at the hospital earlier when I visited him. By the time I joined them on the street yesterday, they were already trying to kill each other,  while that assho...” she looked nervously at Justin as she rephrased it, “...Brian was reversing down the street in the Vette like a maniac. So I never knew what started the fight”

 

 

 

“What did Ted say?” Justin asked, with a bland expression on his face, though inside he was feeling very smug that he’d managed to intimidate Debbie into not criticizing Brian. I’m the MAN.

 

 

 

Debbie relayed to Brian and Justin the conversation she had had with Ted. She’d gone storming into his room, all guns blazing, ready to tear him a new one, but one look at how pathetic Ted looked after his surgery and it had made her pause.

 

 

 

“How are you feeling, honey?” she had asked, moving to sit in the chair beside the bed.

 

 

 

“I’ve a dislocated testicle, Debbie, thanks to your son. How do you think I feel?” Ted had retorted, uh… testily.

 

 

 

“What the fuck were you two fighting about?” She had inquired then.

 

 

 

“Your son is filled with an all-consuming jealousy, and, rather than let me be happy with my soulmate, he tried to make me incapable of performing my husbandly duties,” Ted had replied, as if he were narrating the plot of one of his beloved operas. “But I will soon be good as new,” he had vowed, looking at Debbie determinedly “...just as soon as the urinary incontinence stops, and I can stop using Depends. Michael will not prevail!”

 

 

 

Brian and Justin didn’t know whether to laugh or cry as Debbie repeated the conversation.  Finally, Brian jumped up and declared, “I’m so fucking sick of this shit!  This needs to stop before I lose my mind!”

 

 

 

“So what are we going to do?” Deb asked, now completely on board.

 

 

 

Brian replied to her question with a purposeful, determined look in his eye. “We are going to retrace my steps from last night, and seeing as I can’t remember shit, we’re going to need help. Now since Michael and Teddy are in the hospital due to their own lunacy, and ‘She, Who Cannot Be Named’ will never again be allowed within 500 yards of me for the rest of my life, that leaves only one person we can call.”

 

 

 

All three voices rang out in unison.

 

 

 

 “EMMETT!!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two Cher’s, three Liza’s, several Barbra’s, and one Tina Turner were at the table next to Brian, Justin and Debbie’s, giggling and gossiping so loudly and irritatingly that Brian was sure that if he carried a gun, he would be in deep-shit trouble right about now.

Woody’s Karaoke Queens Night was not something Brian would ever attend willingly but Emmett insisted that they meet there when Brian had called him to demand his help in recreating the previous night’s events.  

 

 

 

“Listen Mr. Kinney, I do have a social life that does not revolve around YOU, Your Highness, so I will not be available to meet you until ten at Woody’s” Emmett had told Brian pointedly. “It’s simply taking me hours to perfect my costume and I’m not going to ruin it by indulging your every whim. Besides, if I sweat, my makeup will run”

 

 

 

Brian had huffed, rolled his eyes and responded in his most queeny voice, “God forbid there be one less Christina Aguilera performing. If your makeup does run, just say you’re going for the Dirrty look”

 

 

 

Emmett’s gasp of outrage could be heard through the phone by both Justin and Debbie as he had begun to queen out.

 

 

 

“Christina Aguilera? Really Brian, what kind of queer do you take me for? Am I not known for my originality, my fabulousness, my colourful nature?” Emmett’s voice got higher and higher as he built to a crescendo and Brian was sure that the dogs of Liberty Ave would start howling if he went much higher.

 

 

 

“For fucksake Emmett, who gives a shit? Go as Britney Spears during “The Shaved-head Era” You’ve already got the receding hairline. And her god-awful taste in clothes” Brian snarled.

 

 

 

Justin had had to grab the phone off Brian and spend fifteen minutes trying to calm Emmett who had gone ballistic. “Hi Em.... you’re right, a total asshole... your taste in clothes is divine...of course you are hairy... on your head obviously... no Em, you don’t need to wax your man-garden...of course I’d tell you...okay, see you later.” 

 

 

 

As Justin ended the call, he had turned around and looked at Brian exasperatedly. “Congratulations Mr. Kinney on pissing off the one person who may be able to help you. Now you listen to me” Justin said, marching right up to Brian, pushing him until he fell back onto the sofa, then climbed on top of him, straddling his hips. “...you are going to Woody’s, you are going to clap and cheer when Emmett performs, you are going to compliment him, and you are not going to bitch and moan while we are there. Capishe?”

 

 

 

Brian capished alright. Having seen Justin’s terrifying temper in living colour over the last few days, he had no desire to be on the receiving end of it. Which is why he was sitting meekly at Woody’s, daydreaming about going postal on the drag queens beside him, but not saying a word.

 

 

 

Chugging the last of his beer, he made his way to the bar to get the next round of drinks while one of the Liza’s on stage did a surprisingly passible rendition of ‘Mein Herr’. As he waited for his drinks someone groped his ass and whispered “Hey there, Lover Man”. When Brian turned and looked into Hunter’s adoring eyes, he just couldn’t deal anymore.

 

 

 

“Justin! Justin! JUSTIN!!!” he ended up screeching over the din of music. Leaving his drinks on the counter, he ran to the safety of Justin’s arms and muttered “Fuck, there’s another one”.

 

 

 

Looking over Brian’s shoulder, Justin could see Hunter walking toward them with the drinks Brian had abandoned at the bar. Placing them on the table, Hunter took in the unlikely sight of Brian Kinney holding onto Justin like a child would cling to their teddy bear.

 

 

 

“Hey dude, what’s your damage?” Hunter said, looking quizzically at Brian. “Who died?” he added jokingly until he saw the sombre faces of the trio. “Oh fuck, did someone die?”

 

 

 

Justin decided to take control of this situation. The first step was to detangle himself from Brian, which was tricky as Brian seemed reluctant. Eventually he sat Brian down, then sat on his lap facing Hunter.

 

“Nobody is dead. But I need to tell you something” Justin said as he reached for Hunter’s hand in a supportive gesture.  Debbie scooted over so that Hunter could sit down. “This may be hard for you to hear but it’s important” Justin continued as he looked compassionately into Hunter’s worried eyes. “Brian is NOT in love with you. Brian did NOT fuck you last night”

 

 

 

Silence reigned as Justin, Brian and Debbie waited with bated breath for Hunter’s response. He looked from one concerned face to the other, before he settled his gaze back on Justin.

 

 

 

“Are we playing a game where we state the obvious? Okay, Brian did not fuck me; I’m not in love with him; Santa isn’t real; the tooth fairy doesn’t exist; Debbie is a gay man in a woman’s body; and you, Justin are clearly a deadly combination - blond and brain damaged”

 

With that, Hunter pulled his hand away from Justin’s and stood up, anger evident in his expression. “You really scared me, you piece of shit. I thought something was really wrong. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

 

Justin gaped at Hunter open-mouthed. “You mean, you’re not in love with Brian?”

 

“Duh. I’m straight, blondie” Hunter replied before giving Brian a sexy leer “...not that I wouldn’t make an exception for you, gorgeous”

 

 

 

Justin jumped off Brian’s lap and looked at him disgustedly, shaking his head at the drama queen he had the misfortune of loving more than life.

 

“Your head is so fucking enormous, it’s a wonder you don’t fall over when you walk”

 

Brian, who felt slightly ridiculous for having freaked out the way he did, said defensively “He groped me and called me ‘Lover Man’. What the fuck was I supposed to think?”

 

 

 

“Brian Fucking Kinney running like a little virgin school-girl because someone made a move on him” Debbie snorted and then started cackling. “If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes I wouldn’t have believed it”

 

 

 

Brian, who rarely blushed, turned a very unbecoming shade of puce, unable to think of a snappy comeback other than a “fuck you” to the three laughing bitches at his table. As the laughter began to die down, a somewhat confused, but definitely amused Hunter asked them what the hell was going on. So Justin and Deb filled him in while “My Heart Will Go On” was being sung by someone who looked like Celine Dion, if she had a 5 O’clock shadow and sang two octaves lower.

 

 

 

*********

 

Hunter couldn’t believe what he had just heard. If Debbie hadn’t reassured him that it was true, he would swear that this was pure bullshit. Hunter had spent the night at his girlfriend’s place, so he hadn’t even known that Michael was in hospital. Surely Debbie wouldn’t lie about that? Deciding to check things out for himself, he excused himself and went outside to call Ben.

 

 

 

Meanwhile Brian had just brought back another round of drinks when the next performer was announced. The familiar strains of “Hips Don’t Lie” rang out as Emmett, sorry, Shakira began to shake and shimmy. Emmett’s costume consisted of a red chiffon ankle length skirt, with numerous slits which gave glimpses of his legs as he moved. On top, he wore a chainmail halter-top, which just about covered his nipples, and left his back completely bare. On his head he wore a truly remarkable blond wig, which oddly enough, really suited him. But what really sold the act was Emmett’s dancing skills. His hips were shimmying and his abs were rolling, doing Shakira proud.

 

“Jesus, fuck” Brian spluttered as he choked on his drink at the sight of Emmett, “...it looks like he’s having an epileptic fit”.

 

“Not one more word from you, Kinney” Justin snarled at him. “You have been warned. I don’t see you clapping and cheering”

 

As Emmett came to the end of his performance, he waved and curtsied, acknowledging the crowd by blowing kisses. So caught up in the adulation was he that the MC had to drag him off the stage. Plonking down in a chair beside the gang, he pointedly ignored Brian while greeting the others. Justin kept shooting daggers at Brian so he eventually capitulated.

 

“Not half bad, Honeycutt”

 

Emmett continued to ignore Brian so he tried again.

 

“You really sounded like Shakira – you had that weird yodelling, toad mating call thing she does off to a tee”

 

This comment sparked a reaction in Emmett who was, once again, about to explode when they were interrupted by an aggravated looking Ben and a sheepish looking Hunter trailing behind him.

 

 

 

“Brian, I’d like a word” Ben said menacingly, through gritted teeth “...outside, NOW”

 

Before Brian could respond, Justin jumped up and placed himself between them, and tried to calm the situation. “Ben, I know you must be angry and hurt right now, but you don’t have all the facts. Michael and Brian didn’t have sex. Something happened last night and we are trying to get to the bottom of it...”

 

 

 

Ben glanced down at Justin and patted him condescendingly on his cheek. “I know you mean well, Justin, but this is between that whore...” he said, pointing at Brian “...and me. It’s time someone took that asshole down” Ben continued, pushing Justin out of his way as he moved toward Brian.

 

Brian had been willing to try to reason with Ben, aware of how this whole thing would appear to him. But no one, NO ONE, pushed Justin aside.

 

“Tisk tisk, Ben. Are you advocating violence? That’s not very Zen of you” Brian said snarkily, stealthily manoeuvring his way out of the corner seat he was in, so he wouldn’t be a sitting duck if Ben decided to attack him. “I would recommend that you meditate some more on this course of action” Brian continued “...I’m sure there is a mountain nearby you could haul your ass up to commune with nature”

 

Ben let out a growl of rage before leaping across the table to try to tackle Brian. However, anticipating this, Brian had lifted up his wooden chair to shield himself. Ben crashed to the ground with a large thud. As he tried to get up, the realization hit that his head was stuck in the broken frets. If he tried to pull free, he’d probably impale himself.

 

When Brian saw the predicament that Ben was in, he had to laugh. “Interesting accessory choice there, Professor” he snorted.

 

“Brian, would you just shut the fuck up for two minutes” Justin roared at him. Reaching over to Ben to help him stand up, he helped Ben into a seat and sent Hunter to fetch him some water. Seeing as Ben was somewhat captive audience, Justin tried yet again to reason with him.

 

“I know you’re pissed with Brian and Michael but honestly, they didn’t fuck. Something has happened to make Michael act this way and....”

 

 

 

The loud screeching of the microphone reverberations interrupted Justin.

 

“123 testing...testing... is this thing working?” whined the unmistakable voice of Michael Novotny.

 

As the gang all turned and looked toward the stage, the sight that greeted them was a shock, to say the least. Michael stood there in his hospital gown, with two black eyes and heavy bandaging across his nose. But more startling then that, he was holding a full-sized cardboard cut-out of Rage beside him.

 

“This song is dedicated to the man I love more than reason, more than life, more than Captain Astro” Michael simpered, making black goo-goo eyes at Brian. “...and it fully expresses the feelings I have in my heart. Please enjoy. I love you Brian”

 

 

 

With that, Bonnie Tyler’s ‘Holding out for a Hero” began to play and Michael began to sing.

 

 

 

Oh Holy Mother of God, he’s lost his mind” Debbie muttered, before charging toward the stage to try to grab her errant son.

 

Ben and Hunter seemed stunned into silence as they watched Michael twirl, revealing his ass in the opening of his hospital gown.

 

Brian decided to get the hell away while he could, so he grabbed Justin and Shakira, er, Emmett and hauled them out of Woody’s.

 

“Kindly unhand me Mr. Kinney. I’m still MOST upset with you”, Emmett said snootily as he made to walk back into Woody’s, but Justin stopped him.

 

“Emmett, cut the shit. We need you to bring us to the bar you went to with guys last night, because something happened there which caused Michael, Ted and Mel to think they are in love with Brian” Before Emmett could interject, Justin continued

 

“If I have to watch any of them try to hit on MY man again, I will hurt someone, very badly. So I suggest you don’t piss me off and do as I ask” Justin finished threateningly, daring him to say no.

 

 

 

Emmett gulped, having heard the sincerity of Justin’s threat.  “Well, honey, why didn’t you just say so? Let’s hustle over to Marty’s”

 

 

“Oh, my God... Oh, my God... no way... OH, MY GOD!!!

“Shut the fuck up, Honeycutt, and give me directions!” Brian ordered as he navigated the Corvette away from Woody’s. Emmett had told him that Marty’s was near the gym, but that could mean miles away, since Emmett’s sense of direction was much like his dress sense  - totally fucked. Brian wished he could punch the Shakira look-alike, but he couldn’t, seeing as Justin was currently stuck between the two front seats, straddling the gear stick, due to the ‘Vette not having backseats.

 

“Take the next left,” Emmett muttered before once again commencing his exclamations. “Oh, my God, baby! I just cannot believe this." Looking at Justin, who had just laid out the previous day’s craziness, Emmett was in shock. “I just can’t believe Mel has a green dildo! With her complexion, that is a very bad combination.”

 

“Of all the shit you just heard, what has you amazed is that Smelly Melly didn’t get her colours done before she chose the most complimentary dildo?” Brian tried to reach over to slap Emmett, but Justin intercepted him by grabbing his hand and placing it on his crotch, which oddly enough seemed to calm Brian down. 

 

“Mr. Kinney, there is nothing wrong in bringing a little colour and beauty into the world,” Emmett said haughtily, as he examined his manicure. “You know, it wouldn’t kill you to add a little colour to your wardrobe, Brian. You don’t have to go crazy, maybe a little grey to break up all the black,” he bitched.

 

“Justin?” Brian looked at Justin beseechingly “...if you truly love me, you’ll let me kill him, and help me dispose of the body.”

 

Justin just laughed and rubbed Brian’s hand up and down his inner thigh. “I do love you, and would do virtually anything for you. But right now we need the Big Sparkly Queen to help us,” Justin whispered as he leaned over to kiss Brian’s cheek “We can leave killing him to some weekend when we’re less busy.”

 

Emmett, who hadn’t heard what Justin had said, just watched as the two lovers seemed to constantly need to touch each other, whether casually, or grope each other in a more sexual way as they were doing right now. Lord, I wish I had someone of my own to maul me, he thought to himself. Though, due to the reaction of Brian and Justin, who were staring at him as though he’d lost his mind, Em realized that he’d said it out loud and blushed furiously at the knowledge.

 

“Well, if you wanna be mauled, Emmett, far be it for me to stop you. In fact, I’ll drive you to the Pittsburgh Zoo, and push you into the lion enclosure myself.” Brian smiled sweetly.

 

“You are too kind, Mr. Kinney, but I won’t need to avail of your services,” Emmett replied huffily, turning away from the laughing pair beside him and staring determinedly out the window. 

 

As Emmett sulked, Brian turned to Justin and confided one worry he was grappling with. “What are we going to do about Ben, Sunshine? He is not going to listen to reason anytime soon.” Brian sighed, and rolled his lips in as he continued “...not that I blame him. This shit is so fucked up.”

 

Justin caressed Brian’s cheek as he tried to reassure him silently. There was nothing he could say. Convincing Ben of anything right now seemed to be impossible. Trying to project more confidence in his voice than he was feeling, Justin said, “When we find out what happened to cause this, we’ll explain this to Ben. Or maybe we should just get Debbie to do it.” Justin pondered. “He’s unlikely to try to kill her.”

 

As they both snickered at that, another thought occurred to Justin. “Shit, Brian! Lindsay thinks you’ve slept with Mel! You need to call her,” he said urgently as he began to rummage in his pockets for his cell phone. He tried to hand it to his partner, but Brian was having none of it.

 

“No way in hell am I calling her, Sunshine. I’ve had enough of hysterical lesbians for today.” Justin tried to convince him, but Brian actually put his fingers in his ears and started singing ‘la la la la’ like a five year old. 

 

“Jesus Christ, must I do everything myself?” Justin muttered as he dialled Linds' number.

 

As Justin spoke to Lindsay, Brian continued to sing to himself, trying to block out the occasional screech he could hear from Lindsey. He did notice that Emmett had suddenly perked up, and was avidly following the drama. Finally, he heard Justin saying goodbye to Lindsey as he awaited the verdict.

 

“So, Lindsay believes you didn’t fuck Mel,” Justin stated, avoiding Brian’s eyes as he continued. “She said you had difficulty keeping an erection with her when you fucked in college, so there was no way in hell you could get it up for Mel who you despise.”

 

Both Justin and Emmett screamed as Brian nearly steered them off the road into the sidewalk, coming perilously close to a pedestrian before he straightened up and pulled the car over to the side of the road.

 

“That lying piece of shit! I have never, NEVER, had a problem keeping an erection. I have stellar, awesome, rock-hard erections – the erections of champions, of fucking gods. I could totally get it up for Mel! Put that bitch back on the phone!” Brian yelled as he tried to pull the phone away from Justin without much success.

 

As Emmett began to sob with laughter, Justin tried to reason with Brian. “Come on, Brian. Do you really want to call Lindsey and convince her that you could totally fuck Mel? Listen to what you are saying.” As Justin spoke, he rubbed Brian’s inner thigh, allowing his pinkie to brush Brian’s dick on every upstroke. As Brian processed what Justin had said, his colour began to return to normal, and his breathing began to calm.

 

Starting the car again and pulling back out onto the road, Brian inquired, “So what else did that lying cow have to say about all this?”

 

“Well, she thinks that maybe Mel has early onset menopause, causing her to become irrational,” Justin replied, thinking that the madness he witnessed today could not be explained by hormones. Brian appeared to agree as he snorted with laughter. “Only normal women enter menopause. Mel is a fucking cyborg."

 

Eventually, Marty’s came into view, so Brian parked the Corvette out front and helped Justin navigate his way out of the car without impaling himself on the gear stick. As he looked at the building’s facade, he wondered what the fuck had possessed him to willingly enter such a place. From what he could see through the organza-curtained windows, it looked like a cross between a Turkish bath and Buddhist retreat/whore house.

 

“Jesus Christ,” Brian swore as the entered the bar “It looks like they decorated by having Liberace and the Dalai Lama vomit in here." Colourful fabrics were draped practically everywhere, giving the impression that you had entered a Bedouin tent. Psychics, Tarot readers, and crystal ball readers were dotted around the large expanse of the bar. Queers of all kinds were smoking from bongs, getting their palms read, and generally relaxing as they got completely drunk. 

 

It was a spectacle that Brian was certainly not expecting.  Turning to look at Emmett in disbelief, he continued, “There is no fucking way I willingly came here last night, Honeycutt!  I’d have had to have been completely off my face on drugs to spend more than five minutes in this shithole.”  He pushed Emmett against the wall and trapped him there, his strong arms pinning Emmett’s above his head as he growled, “What kind of bullshit are you trying to pull here? Do you think this is fucking funny?”

 

“Let go of me, you big bully!” Emmett demanded as he freed himself from Brian’s grip and straightened his wig, which had been knocked askew. “I’ll have you know that YOU, Mr. High and Mighty Kinney, did, in fact come here last night. And what’s more, you stayed here for at least a couple of hours.”

 

“There is no fucking way!” Brian repeated, shaking his head in disbelief.

 

Brian looked so confused that Emmett took pity on him. “Well, I must admit, you were NOT enthusiastic about it when I first suggested it. ButthenIgaveyouseveraltabsofEandyouwerefine,” he said quickly, hoping to gloss over that part.

 

“You did what?” Justin shouted.

 

“I gave him E, okay? Lots and lots of E so he wouldn’t be such a party pooper. In fact...,” Emmett continued, blithely unaware that Brian looked like he was about to strangle him, “...I spiked everyone’s drinks.”

 

As Brian and Justin stared at Emmett incredulously, he became defensive. “Really, I don’t see why you’re both so upset. Everyone was on such a downer last night; Michael wouldn’t shut up about the bloody sabbatical; Mel kept harping on about whether to move back to the Pitts; Teddy was moaning about Blake possibly leaving him; and you, Mr. Kinney, kept looking at your watch, daydreaming about Justin’s ass, no doubt. I was bored out of my mind.

”

Looking Brian defiantly in the eye, Emmett stated, “…so I did what I had to do. I spiked all your drinks. Don’t look at me like that, Brian Kinney! Need I remind you of what you did at Mel and Linds' party that time? Do the words ‘spiked punch’ mean anything to you?” 

 

Brian really couldn’t argue with that kind of logic, although Justin launched into a PSA about drugging people without their knowledge or consent. Eventually Brian interrupted Justin’s tirade and got to the point.

 

“Okay, so Emmett spiked our drinks with E. That would explain how he got me to come here, but it doesn’t explain all the other shit that’s going on. I don’t black out on E, and it definitely wouldn’t cause Mel’s sudden ‘love’ for me. Something else must have caused it.”

 

As the trio pondered this, they were approached by an extremely tall person who said, “Perhaps, I can help?”

 

There, in the flesh was Mysterious Marilyn!

 

Brian kept squirming, trying to get comfortable, which was difficult for a number of reasons. Firstly, he was sitting on a rug that felt like it was weaved using barbed wire. He didn’t have the benefit of Justin’s bubble butt so his bony ass was feeling the pain. 

 

Secondly, Mysterious Marilyn had insisted that they all remove their shoes and store them near the door. Brian was afraid that some envious, would-be fashionista queen would abscond with his Prada boots, which cost more than most people spent on their first car. Justin berated him when he voiced that opinion. Of course, Justin didn’t have to worry about anyone taking off with his paint-splattered Converse; little twat.

 

Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, Brian couldn’t help but notice the smirks that Marilyn was shooting his way. There was nothing more irritating to Brian than feeling like he was the butt of a joke that no one had shared with him. As he shifted again on the scratchy rug, he could see by the looks on Justin and Emmett’s faces that they weren’t sharing his misgivings.

 

Emmett was happily drinking his third Cosmo in as many minutes, while batting his eyelashes at a bear sitting at the bar, who was sending them over at an alarming rate. Justin, on the other hand, was chatting to Marilyn like they were long-lost cousins. In fact, Justin was positively giddy as he took in his colourful surroundings while interrogating Marilyn.

 

“So, you actually own this place, and don’t just work here?” Justin asked, barely taking a breath before launching into his next question. “So why did you call the bar Marty’s?”

 

When Marilyn was sure that he’d stopped talking and actually required a response this time, she answered. “Well, Marty was my daddy’s name. And I’ve been known to answer to that name, too, in my other life.” she added coyly.

 

Before Justin could start asking more questions, Brian decided to get this thing back on track before he had a permanent kink in his walk. “So, much as I’m enjoying this little chinwag, earlier you said you could help us with some information,” Brian barked at Marilyn “What can you tell us?”

 

Justin gave Brian a look that showed that he was not amused. “What Brian means is that we are having some difficulties, and we would appreciate any help you could give us in understanding the cause.”

 

Justin scooted closer to Marilyn and lowered his voice so as not to be overheard by anyone. “You see, Brian, Emmett and three of our friends were here last night, and none of them remember what happened. But this morning, they...”

 

“No need to continue, Justin, I’m aware of the circumstances.” Marilyn interjected, as she beckoned Brian and Emmett closer. “I’m going to tell you a little story, and it may help you in your search for answers.”

 

Brian scoffed at this bit of theatricality, but nonetheless he sat quietly, waiting for Marilyn to tell them what the fuck happened the night before. It’s not like he had any other choice.

 

It was an ill-wind that blew that night. The mist was rising, giving the city an otherworldly appearance. 

 

“For fuck's sake!” Brian interrupted.  "Last night was a balmy summer evening. Can’t you just cut the shit, and give us the Cliff notes version?”

 

After being violently shushed by all three, Brian resigned himself to being there for the long haul.

 

“May I continue?” Marilyn asked prissily, giving Brian an evil stare.

 

“Please, go on,” Justin urged.

 

As the clock chimed the final stroke of midnight, five souls entered the bar. They appeared to be full of life, eager to experience what Marty's had to offer.

 

“That’d be the E. Thanks ever so, Em,” Brian said sarcastically. Ignoring the interruption, Marilyn continued.

 

They had some drinks and seemed to be enjoying themselves. But to the trained eye, they were surrounded by a melancholy aura. There was a spiritual uncertainty which emanated from them like an energy cloud.

 

“Ooooh, ooooh!” exclaimed Emmett, excitedly. "What colour was it? What colour is MY aura?”

 

“Jesus, not the colour bullshit again!” Brian said scathingly. “Emmett, you can Colour-Yourself-Beautiful on your own time. Let the man, er, lady continue.” 

 

Marilyn waited until all was quiet once again before she continued.

 

As I approached, I realized that each of the souls had life-changing decisions which they were about to make, and they had varying levels of worry surrounding these changes. The Sapphic Sister had reached a fork in the road, where the only way to move forward, was to go back.

 

“That must be Mel, and her indecision about returning to Pittsburgh,” Justin excitedly explained to the others.

 

“No shit, Sherlock!” Brian teased, causing Justin to blush at his over-enthusiasm.

 

The Dreamer was concerned that if he followed his soul-mate on his journey of self-discovery, they would encounter great physical danger.

 

“What the fuck? How would Mikey be in physical danger?” Brian questioned, thinking that maybe Michael was worried that Ben’s condition would worsen while they were travelling. Marilyn, who was starting to become irate at all these interruptions, snapped back, “I believe he mentioned something about being bitten by poisonous spiders, and worrying that if he is made to shave his head at the Buddhist monastery, his hair may not grow back.” 

 

All three began to laugh. “Fucking Mikey and his comic books,” Brian snorted. Marilyn again waited impatiently to be allowed to continue.

 

The Rationalist was undecided whether to commit his heart and life to his much younger lover; not sure if he should believe in one who had so grievously betrayed him in the past.

 

Justin’s eyes welled up with tears as he looked at Brian. He felt like his heart was breaking, thinking that Brian still had some reservations about whether Justin was worth committing to.

 

Brian couldn’t imagine what had set off Justin’s allergies, but then it hit him. “She means Ted, Sunshine, not me,” Brian reassured him as he pulled a weepy Justin into his arms and kissed his tears away. “You and I are a done deal, you twat,” Brian continued, whispering in his ear. Pulling back a little to look Justin in the eye, he said firmly, “I’m all in, Justin. All in”

 

Neither Brian nor Justin heard the discreet throat-clearing as they clung together, kissing each other so deeply that it looked like they were one being. So eventually Emmett let out an ear-piercing whistle, which stopped everybody in the bar in their tracks. Completely un-phased by all the attention he had drawn on himself, Emmett just declared, “You know, much as I’m enjoying watching you two playing ‘Pin the Tongue in the Larynx’, I, too, have a sex life I could be pursuing, so if you wouldn’t mind...?”

 

Reluctantly separating from each other with whispered “laters," both Brian and Justin gave their full attention back to Marilyn.

 

The Alpha was consumed with devising the most swift and successful way to combine his twin loves; his creative self and his other self. 

 

As Justin looked at Brian, trying to figure out what his ‘other self’ might be, Emmett also turned to Brian and, in a serious manner, asked, “Do you think the Alpha is you or me?”

 

As Brian made one of his retarded faces in response to Emmett, Justin just had to ask Marilyn about the ‘other self.' Marilyn smiled as she replied, “His other half, his other self – what makes him whole.”

 

As Justin began to cry once again, Brian was decidedly uncomfortable, so he steered the conversation onward. Looking at Marilyn, he demanded, “So what other pearls of wisdom do you have to share?”

 

The Dramatist was worried that time would affect his potential in attracting a mate. He was contemplating ways to defy gravity.

 

“What the fuck, Em?” Brian spluttered, having been in the middle of drinking his beer when he heard that little nugget of information. “What have I told you about watching ‘Wicked’ too much? You cannot defy gravity, no matter how much you sing about it.”

 

Emmett reddened as he realized that he had to explain himself, judging by the expectant faces looking his way. “Well,” he said nervously, “I was thinking I should get one of those exercise bars put on my door so that I could spend part of each day upside-down.”

 

Justin looked at him quizzically. “Why would you want to do that, Em?”

 

Biting the bullet, Emmett took a deep breath and said, “...so that I could counteract the effect gravity has on my ass.”

 

This time, Brian was unable to stop spraying his beer out of his mouth, and disgustingly, his nose. Half choking and laughing, Brian couldn’t believe what he had just heard. But before Brian could make any sarcastic comment, Marilyn decided she had had enough interruptions, so she jumped in to continue her story.

 

The range and complexity of the spiritual needs of this group led me to suggest that they consult The Guru, one of our experts here at Marty's. His powers of sight, together with his ability to help his disciples discover their inner-most desires, made him the perfect choice to guide the five struggling souls to cleanse their auras. So The Sapphic Sister, The Dreamer, The Rationalist, The Alpha and The Dramatist all paid tribute to The Guru, and were granted an audience.

 

“Oh, Justin, honey, The Guru was soooo hot!” Emmett squealed as he pretended to fan himself. “If Hans hadn’t called me, I would have happily worshipped him – on my knees,” Emmett winked suggestively.

 

“So what happened then?” Justin questioned, eager to hear more as they seemed to be getting closer to what might have caused the high-jinks of the last few days.

 

“Well, I’d love to continue, but one of my clients has just arrived,” Marilyn replied, as she gracefully rose to her feet. As she walked towards her private cubicle with the new arrival, she assured Justin, “I’ll be back momentarily to answer more of your questions.”

 

Brian couldn’t help but silently congratulate Marilyn’s business acumen. By leaving them on a cliff-hanger, she ensured that they would wait for her return, and buy several drinks in the process. Very savvy. He tried again to make himself comfortable, knowing that he wasn’t going anywhere just yet.

 

As Marilyn returned to the group on the mat, she couldn’t supress the giggles that overcame her. Goodness, what a joy it was to have Brian Fucking Kinney on the edge like this. Although she really had quite a soft spot for the Stud of Liberty Ave, as she could “see” past the cool arrogant facade to the pure spirit beneath, but she couldn’t help but revel a little in the current drama.

 

As Justin saw her approach, he enthusiastically elbowed Brian in the ribs and started bouncing in his seat. Brian was somewhat less impressed, having been left to wait in the weirdest excuse for a bar he had ever frequented in his life. And considering some of the bars he had gone to in his youth...er... younger youth, that was saying something. Trying once again, unsuccessfully, to get comfortable on the elephant hair rug, he tried to reign in his irritation.

 

“I’m so sorry to have kept you waiting so long, my dears” Marilyn stated breathlessly as she gracefully lowered herself to the floor. “Now...” she said, looking at two expectant and one seriously pissed off face “... where were we?”

 

Justin and Emmett nearly fell over each other to recap on their previous conversation. “The Dramatist – that’s me – and the Alpha – that’s you, Brian – and the Rationalist – that’s Teddy – and .... OOMPH!”

 

Emmett’s tirade came to an abrupt and somewhat violent end due to being hit in the face with the cushion that Brian launched at him. Before Emmett could react, Justin jumped in. “You were about to tell us about the Guru”

“Yes that’s right, the Guru. Let’s all get comfy and I will reveal to you the events of yester night”

 

Marilyn closed her eyes and began her oration.

 

Only the privileged few are given access to the spiritual guidance of the Guru. He is one in a long line of gurus with powers that cannot truly be comprehended by the mere mortal. His power is unsurpassed...his knowledge limitless... his talents all-encompassing

“I’ll pay you $500 if you cut the bullshit and just stick with the facts. My ass is getting numb, my eyes hurt from the colour-explosion in here, and if I have to listen to your drivel much longer, I will murder you”

 

Justin turned to Brian to admonish him for insulting Marilyn’s integrity by offering her money to speed things up, but before he could open his mouth to speak, Marilyn did.

“$1000”

“$750”

“Done”

Both Brian and Marilyn seemed happy with the outcome while Justin looked as though he’d just found out that Santa wasn’t real.

Marilyn finished counting the bills Brian had handed to her before stuffing them in her bra. Turning her attention back to her audience she once again began to tell her story, this time without the bullshit.

“Well, here’s what happened...”

 

The previous night at Marty’s 12:30am

 

Mel, Michael, Ted, Emmett and Brian were all seated on the multi-coloured rugs, awaiting the appearance of The Guru. They had just been informed that an hour of The Guru’s time would cost $200 and they were bitching about who should pay.

“You idiots can leave me the fuck out of this” Brian declared as he swigged back the last of his drink and waved at the waiter to bring him more. “It’s a fucking waste of money. If I wanted unsolicited and useless advice, I could just talk to Debbie”

Mel, who had also thought this guru thing was a crock of shit, quickly changed her mind when she saw how much it pissed off Brian. “Are you afraid of what you might hear? This Guru might point out what the rest of us already know, what an gargantuan asshole you are”

“Well, then I wouldn’t need to pay money for that when I have you to do it for free” Brian retorted, giving Mel a sickly sweet smile. “How thoughtful of you to try to save me money. It’s so out of character for you”

Mel couldn’t think of any snappy comeback because loathe as she was to admit it, without Brian’s money, she and Lindsey would be up shit creek without a paddle. Canada was expensive. So she had to seethe silently, knowing she had lost this round with the asshole.

Michael, who was completely oblivious to Melanie and Brian’s little contretemps due to his extreme inebriation, broke the silence. 

“Brian, you have to do it. You – hiccup - HAVE to. I really –hiccup - want to do it – hiccup -and I can only do it if you do – hiccup - it because – I don’t have $200”

Ted, ever the accountant, interjected. “You’d only need $50 Michael. We can divide it between the four of us”

“Well actually, Teddy” Emmett said sheepishly, “...I don’t actually have any cash on me so I was kinda hoping you could see it in your heart to loan me my share”

“My god Emmett, how can you go out for the night partying and NOT have any cash on you?” 

Mel was astonished and not a little disgusted. Seeing as she couldn’t let rip at Brian, she decided to channel her rage at Emmett. 

“It’s incomprehensible that you would lower yourself to letting guys hit on you just to get your drinks paid for. I know your business is going well so it’s not like you couldn’t afford it... your basically prostituting yourself. Have you no self-respect?”

Emmett looked gobsmacked, his mouth trying to form words but none were coming out. Before he could get his wits together, Brian started to speak quietly, so they all strained to hear him.

“Mel, I can understand your point of view, considering what a pillar of society you are, a veritable model of moral goodness. You would never do something so degrading for money. No, not our Melanie. That must have been your evil twin who got her tits out in Playboy. Not fine upstanding Melanie Marcus, attorney at law”

“You motherfucking piece of shit.  I’m gonna knock that smug faggot-assed smirk off your damn face” she snarled, cocking her arm in preparedness to punch Brian. But before she could land the punch, Ted and Michael caught hold of her arms and restrained her.

“Melanie Marcus, I have never been so insulted in my life, and considering I grew up in the Bible belt, that is saying something.” Emmett had finally found the power of speech and he was angry, VERY angry.

“Just so we’re clear, my business is not just doing well, it is doing fabulously. I have money to burn, more than your broke ass has, and that’s for damn sure”

A chorus of “you go, girl” could be heard from the other customers in the bar, who couldn’t help but be drawn in by the loud voices. 

“And furthermore” Emmett continued, very much on his high horse now “...if a gentleman wants to buy me a drink, it’s only polite to accept the kind gesture graciously. Should the day ever come that anyone ever be tempted to offer to buy YOU a drink, Mel, I do hope you’ll keep what I said in mind”

Emmett was certainly on a roll now, and the others could only stare at him with a mixture of shock and awe on their faces. 

“Lastly, the reason I do not have cash on my person should be obvious, but since you are fashion-challenged, I will explain” 

Emmett stood up and twirled around, a vision in lemon trousers and a turquoise mesh net vest. 

“Do you see this outfit, Melanie?” he demanded to know as he smoothed his hands over the skin-tight clothes. “Now I ask you, just where do you think I could put any money? Anything in the pockets of these pants would ruin the silhouette”

As Mel just stared at him, pole-axed, Brian, Ted and Michael began to laugh. Melanie was chastened but she still couldn’t admit defeat.

“Have you ever heard of a purse, Emmett? And wouldn’t a slut like you need condoms and lube?” she said snidely.

“I did consider a purse but it’s very difficult to find the right purse for an ensemble such as this”. Emmett looked down Mel up and down before he continued. “...I realise you just throw on whatever sludge coloured crap you find in the bargain bins, but some of us are more discerning. And as for my condoms and lube, you’re quite right, I never leave home without them. And I put them in a safe place until they are needed. So don’t you worry your little head about me, honey”

On that note, Emmett sashayed his way to the bar, where there was a veritable crowd of men more than willing to buy him a drink for providing so much entertainment.

 

“Where do you think he keeps – hiccup- his condoms?” Michael queried as he looked up and down Emmett’s frame, trying to figure where they could be. “There’s nowhere – hiccup – to put them”

“Maybe in his shoe?” Ted suggested, not really paying attention, as he was counting the crumpled $1 bills that Michael had handed him. 

“Jesus, Michael. Did you intend on going to watch a stripper tonight?” Brian remarked, glancing disdainfully at the money, “...or did you mug a bunch of first graders for their lunch money?”

 

Michael, looking quite affronted at the suggestion, retorted. “No asshole. I – hiccup- did not mug anyone. I left my wallet – hiccup- at the comic store so – hiccup- I had to raid the Swear Jar.” Looking very pleased with himself, Michael continued “There was – hiccup- over $100 in – AHHHHHHHHH”

Everyone in the bar stopped what they were doing, startled by the loud noise followed by Michael’s scream, and looked to see a smug looking Emmett standing behind Michael with a popped balloon and a pin in his hands.

Michael whipped his head around, and, clutching his hands to his chest, yelled “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? You scared the living shit outta me. And you made me spill my drink, asshole.”

 

As Emmett slowly & gingerly lowered himself to the floor, he nonchalantly answered “It stopped you hiccupping didn’t it? My Aunt Lula’s remedy. I was close to smothering you with a pillow so I figured this would be a better solution” 

As Michael continued to glower at Emmett, Brian himself stared at the fairy as he discretely began to pull at the ass of his pleather pants, like he was trying to relieve himself from a wedgie. “Well, I guess we know where he keeps the condoms” Brian muttered to himself, before saying loudly “How much longer do we have to be here? Where the fuck is this so-called Guru?”

 

Just then, Mysterious Marilyn appeared with an ornate bong and placed it on a small table in the centre of the group. 

“The Guru will be with you shortly. But before you are granted an audience with him, you should all prepare and free your minds, allowing your hidden inner desires come to the fore. Now, you must sit cross-legged in a circle, inhale of the bong, and then pass it to your right. You should concentrate on relaxing your body and freeing your minds”

Once they were seated as per her instructions, Brian reached out for the bong, figuring that taking drugs was the only way he was going to get through this farce. But he was stopped by Marilyn’s voice requesting the $200. “Fuck it” Brian thought to himself, handed over the cash and once again grabbed for the bong. Inhaling deeply, he held his breathe before exhaling slowly. 

“Fuck, this is some good shit” he marvelled before passing the bong to Ted, who immediately passed it on to Emmett. “Oh Lord have mercy” squealed Em, fanning his face which was now flushed, before passing the bong to Mel. She too took a hit, determined not to comment on the potency of the drug. She wasn’t going to give these fuckers any more reasons to humiliate her. 

Michael was another story however. Having taken a hit, his eyes rolled back in his head and he would have collapsed back with a slap to his head had Brian not caught him by the arm and held him upright. “Fucking lightweight” Brian chided him, half exasperated and amused by his old friend. “Mikey” he said, holding Michael’s head between his hands, checking his eyes to make sure he was conscious “...you’re so pathetic” Michael just gave a stoned smile in response.

As the gang continued to pass the bong around, Mel suddenly let out a squeal of disgust and started dry heaving. Michael, who was sitting next to her, started hitting her on the back, thinking that the drugs had caused a coughing fit. Mel slapped his arm away, trying to catch her breath.

“I’m fine you idiot. You don’t have to punch a hole through my spine” she snarled at Michael, before turning her disdainful gaze at Emmett, who had tried to get up from his cross-legged position across from her to help her, but had been unable to bend due to tightness of his lemon pleather pants.

“Jesus, Emmett. Cross your legs, for fucks sake. I can see your junk through those ridiculous trousers” she berated him, looking pointedly at his cock and balls, the outline of which were clearly visible in his current position. Suddenly, something caught her eye that put a look of sheer disgust on her face.

“Oh my god, you have a fucking piercing on your dick” she shouted accusingly at Emmett, before continuing. “... You really are repugnant”

Mel was on roll now, venting all her frustration at life, at men, at Brian fucking Kinney.

“... Gay men are obsessed with sex and are always chasing dick, or measuring dick, or sucking dick, or mutilating dick. All you need is a willing hole and you’re happy. You have no idea what true intimacy is, what true sexual satisfaction feels like. Lindsay and I have explosive, transcendental sex. We don’t need anything except each other” 

The gang sat silently stunned, looking at Melanie’s smug superior smile as she looked down her nose at each of them. Her feeling of superiority was short lived however, when a quiet voice interrupted the silence.

“You know Mel? Lindsay is too much of a wasp to discuss sex in any kind of detail” Brian began, not looking at Mel as he casually took a sip of his drink before he continued. “... but if you get enough wine into her, her gums start flapping. In fact, she becomes positively loquacious”

Brian finally looked Mel in the eye, and she knew, with absolute certainty, that whatever came out of his mouth next would be humiliating. However, she could do nothing to stop him as she watched the playful gleam appear in his eyes. Emmett, Ted and Michael felt like they were watching a car crash about to happen, but were unable to look away.

“For example” Brian continued, in that low almost whispered voice of his “...last time I was in Toronto, we had quite an interesting chat about the pros and cons of different brands of dildos. Lindsay even showed me her collection. I was impressed” 

Mel’s could feel the flush of embarrassment make its way from her chest to her face, as she prayed for Brian to shut the fuck up. Her prayers went unanswered unfortunately.

“Mind you, I could have done without seeing the Clit Stimulator in the shape of a bunny. I never knew you were into bestiality, Mel” Brian smirked at her, “...But whatever floats your boat”

If Mel had had a gun in her hand at that moment, she would have blown his smug fucking face off. But, since she had no weapon at her disposal, her only comeback was a snarled ‘fuck you’ to Brian before she marched into the restroom to splash some water on her face and get her shit together. As the gang watched her retreat, the giggles became wails of laughter.

When Mel returned, the laughter died down and an uncomfortable silence reigned. In an effort to get the conversation going again, Michael turned to Emmett and said “I can’t believe you got a Prince Albert. I think the whole piercing thing is tacky. I would never get one in a million years”

Brian snorted as he retorted “Michael, you wouldn’t get one because you are the biggest chicken-shit when it comes to piercings. You fucking fainted when Deb tried to pierce your ear when we were sixteen, and she had only put the ice on your ear” 

Michael had to shout over the burst of laughter from the others to make himself heard. “I did NOT fucking faint because of the piercing. I had low blood sugar. I FUCKING DID!!” 

Clearly no-one believed him as they continued to laugh.

“Well, I got my ear pierced later, didn’t I?” Michael continued to argue, upset that they were all questioning his bravery. “I didn’t faint then, did I?” he questioned, folding his arms across his chest as he pouted at the others.

“No, you didn’t faint” Brian conceded, has he took another toke. “Though, you made me AND Vic go with you to the mall to let the, and I quote, ‘professionals’ do it. Plus, you were twenty two fucking years old at the time, and Vic STILL had to slip you a Valium”

 

Michael’s denials were cut short when Marilyn approached them, accompanied by a handsome olive skinned man, his eyes ringed with kohl, wearing an ivory turban on his head and a multi-coloured tunic which glimmered with elaborate beading. Emmett couldn’t decide whether he was drooling because of the man or because of his outfit.

Marilyn clapped her hands to silence the group, before dramatically announcing, “You are now privileged to be in the presence of The Guru’”

As the others became excited that the Guru was finally in their midst, Brian couldn’t help but feel that he had seen this man before, he just couldn’t remember where. Fuck it, he thought, it’ll come to me.

The Guru sat down and produced a yellow crystal, which he placed in the centre of the circle. He stared intensely at each one before speaking in a vaguely middle-eastern accent.

“I am a conduit, a humble conduit of the spirit world. The answers you seek will be revealed only if the spirits will them to be. Join hands and concentrate on the crystal, we need to cleanse our auras”

Brian scoffed and tried to resist as Ted grabbed his right hand while Michael grabbed his left. But the bong had made him relax, and the sooner this shit was over, the better. So he grudgingly participated.

The Guru began to sway and chant as he mumbled a rhythm that, to Brian, sounded suspiciously like “Hotel California” by the Eagles. This suspicion was confirmed when Emmett, who was swaying as well, started singing “...And I was thinking to myself, ‘This could be heaven or this could be hell” A dirty look from The Guru made a sheepish Emmett stop singing.

After a few interminable minutes, The Guru announced that it was time to commune with the spirits. 

“Which of you lost souls will pose the first question to the spirits” 

Unsurprisingly, Emmett stuck his hand in the air and started squealing “Me, me, me. Pick me!!”

The Guru nodded for Emmett to begin.

“Will I find the love of my life soon because I’m into my thirties now and gravity is not my friend” Emmett stated mournfully. 

Both Brian and Mel rolled their eyes at what they considered a completely moronic question, while Michael and Ted both assured Emmett that his ass was as perky and tight as an eighteen year olds. 

The Guru waved his hand to bring them to silence, before announcing “The spirits say you have already met your soulmate. He will return to you in time”

Emmett’s eyes welled up and he began to cry copious tears. Ted tried to console him saying that the Guru must mean Drew and that Emmett should be happy that he will return. This made Emmett cry even more and he wailed “I don’t want my soulmate to be Drew. He’s built like an Adonis but he’s stupider than shit”

Brian started laughing and thought maybe this evening might turn out to be unexpectedly entertaining. 

Emmett continued to bawl his eyes out, apparently inconsolable, until his phone started ringing. Seeing the name that appeared on the screen, his tears miraculously dried up and he answered the call in his usual upbeat manner

“Well hello Hans, you big beautiful man, you”

“...oh sugar, you say the sweetest things...”

“ ...well I’m with my friends right now...”

“...just my new leather pants and a mesh vest. What are you wearing?”

...well in that case, how could a girl say no? Give me fifteen minutes”

Emmett disconnected the call and struggled into a standing position. Looking at them all in an apologetic manner, he said “I’m gonna have to love you and leave you, I’m afraid. I have another urgent appointment. Toodles”

With that, Emmett located his shoes and sashayed out of the bar.

The Guru, unhappy that he had been so rudely interrupted, cleared his throat loudly to gain the groups’ attention once again.

“May we continue? The spirits are impatient. Who is next?”

Mel, Ted and Michael all wanted to ask questions, but were afraid of the ridicule they would receive. Biting the bullet, Ted said “Would it be possible for us to speak to you one at time? My question is a little personal”

Michael and Melanie agreed and said they would be more comfortable speaking to the Guru in private. The Guru agreed but told them it would cost extra.

Brian scoffed at them. “Are you seriously buying this shit?” Gesturing the Guru, Brian continued “...he’s a fucking charlatan and you want to give him more fucking money?”

The Guru became angry, and leaned toward Brian, waggling his finger in his face. 

“Just because you don’t have a soul or spirit, Mr. Kinney, does NOT mean that they do not exist”

As Brian looked at the heated gaze of the Guru, he suddenly remembered where he had seen him before. 

“Miguel?”

Mel, Ted and Michael looked confused while the Guru looked mortified. Brian was now sure of his identity.

“Who the fuck is Miguel?” Melanie demanded to know. She hated when Brian knew something that she didn’t.

Brian began to laugh as pointed to the Guru. “This fucker right here is Miguel”

“How do you know him?” Ted questioned, though he could probably guess. His guess was confirmed as Brian replied “I fucked him”

“Of course you did, you fucking slut” Melanie stated unsurprised.

Michael, high as a kite and not a little drunk, was confused. “You had a threesome with the Guru and Miguel?”

“Michael, listen to me. Are you listening?” 

“Yes, I’m listening”

“The Guru’s real name is Miguel. I fucked him”

“How did you meet?”

“He used to deliver the takeout from Bamboo, the Chinese place on Sutton Ave”

Michael, Mel and Ted turned towards the Guru/Miguel with looks of astonishment on their faces.

“So this is all bullshit?” Ted queried, looking Miguel up and down “... the turban, the accent, the ability to commune with spirits to advise us?”

Miguel looked beseechingly at the group and said “I admit that I’m not middle-eastern so the clothes and accent are affectations...”

Brian snorted at that and said “What a polite way to say out and out fucking lies”

Miguel continued, ignoring Brian’s interjection, continued to plea for understanding “...but no one would take me seriously otherwise. Who would believe a Guru called Miguel who comes from fucking Harrisburg?”

Seeing that Mel, Ted and Michael were beginning to soften towards him, Miguel continued “I’ll give each of you a one on one reading and session free of charge. If I’m full of bullshit, you have nothing to lose. But if I’m not, I could really help you”

Brian could see that the guys were considering this offer and couldn’t believe it.

“You’re not actually buying this bullshit are you? Seriously? Are you that desperate for help with your lives that you’ll believe this idiot who’s just a jumped up delivery boy who gets his pearls of wisdom out of a fucking fortune cookie?”

Miguel turned to Brian angrily, saying “You have no fucking idea what I can do, what talents I possess, what knowledge I have”

Brian just sniggered “I’m not sure I would have called you talented. From what I remember, your cock-sucking skills were mediocre at best”

Miguel was livid as he snarled “You really fucking love yourself, don’t you?”

Brian just shrugged as he replied “What’s not to love? Everybody fucking loves me”

A speculative look came over Miguel’s face as a plan occurred to him.

“Everybody loves you, hmmm? That must be quite a burden for you”

“I can handle it. It’s the price of being me” Brian replied sarcastically.

Miguel smiled a secret smile “Well I’m sorry you don’t see fit to utilise my talents, Brian. But what about the rest of you?” he questioned, as he turned the others.

Mel, Ted and Michael all just looked at each other before they slowly nodded. 

“Fuck it. What’s the harm in giving it a go?” Mel said.

“No harm at all” Miguel replied charmingly, as he guided her into his private space. 

 

Back to the present

Emmett, Justin and Brian had listened to Marilyn’s descriptions of the previous nights’ activities with growing levels of amusement and astonishment. As Marilyn finished her story, they all just stared at her, bemusedly. Justin was the first one able to form a coherent sentence.

“So what you’re telling us is, Mel, Ted and Michael all had a one on one session with the Guru – I mean Miguel – while Brian passed out on the rug while he waited because he was toking on that bong like a person possessed?”

Marilyn laughed at Justin’s choice of words, but she nodded her agreement. “Yes, that’s pretty much what happened. Once Mel, Ted and Michael were finished, they woke up Brian and they all left”

Brian had, up until this point, said very little as he listened to the events of the previous night, becoming increasingly unnerved because he didn’t remember any of it. It certainly sounded like him, and he had fucked a delivery boy from Bamboo before, so that also had ring of truth about it. But it still didn’t explain why he had three new stalkers.

“You’re leaving shit out” Brian said to Marilyn, giving her his best intimidating glare “...none of what you said explains why I have the Three Stooges chasing after me. What are you not telling us? Does Miguel fucking drug his customers or something?”

Marilyn tried to hide her smile as she feigned offence. 

“Miguel does not drug his customers. He has too much integrity to do that”

“Then what the fuck did he do?” Brian shouted, losing patience rapidly.

Marilyn wisely decided to come clean, because clearly, Brian Kinney was a man on the edge.

“Well... you impugned Miguel’s character when you accused him of being a charlatan” Marilyn said, choosing her words carefully “...so I suspect he played a little prank on you to teach you a lesson”

A feeling of dread overcame Brian as he spat out the question through gritted teeth

“What...Did...He...Do?”

Marilyn took a deep breath and said

“Did I mention that Miguel is an expert in the field of hypnotism?”

“FUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!”

 

 

 

 

Present – 5 days after the visit to Marty's

 

Justin was lounging by the side of the pool, a bottle of beer in one hand and a joint in the other. This was the longest period of time he had spent at Britin since Brian had lost his mind and bought the place. Five gloriously uninterrupted days of he and Brian sunning themselves by the pool and fucking like bunnies whenever the spirit moved them. No family, no friends, no stalkers, no fucking Gurus. Just Justin and Brian. How he wished this would never end. But as the saying goes, if wishes were horses... Unfortunately, he and Brian had unfinished business. 

 

Taking another pull of his beer, he heard the patio door slide open. He watched as Brian walked toward him as naked as the day he was born. Justin couldn't help but admire the perfection that was Brian Fucking Kinney. It really should be illegal to be so fucking hot. And doesn't he know it? Justin thought to himself. That's the bloody reason we're in this fucking mess.

 

Brian flopped down on the empty recliner beside Justin, popping his sunglasses on before stretching out with his arms folded behind his head, the very picture of relaxation. You'd never know by looking at him that this was a man who had three deranged stalkers desperately trying to fuck him, one of which had actually broken into his office. Not to mention he had been assaulted by one of their partners. And he had spent a night in jail due to a minor altercation with a mystic. Justin started chuckling to himself as the thought occurred to him that if he tried to write a story about all this, it would be the most absurd piece of drivel ever committed to paper (or computer screen). Brian cocked an eyebrow at Justin, silently asking what he found so amusing. Justin just shook his head, and continued to reminisce about the events of the last five days.

 

 

 

Saturday Night – Marty's Bar – Five nights previously

 

 

 

"Hypnotism? They are all fucking hypnotized? Are you serious right now?" Justin stuttered out, hoping against hope that Marilyn was messing with them. 

 

Marilyn tried to hide her amusement as she looked at three shocked faces. 

 

"I'm quite serious, Justin. Miguel admitted as much to me when he was leaving here last night. I'm afraid that your friends have been hypnotized to believe that they experienced a night of passion with Mr. Kinney and that they are now in love with him"

 

"Oh, this is so amazing. It's like a soap-opera. It's like Dynasty, or Dallas. Oooohh, it's just like that movie Zoolander. Mel, Michael and Ted are just like the character Derek Zoolander, who is hypnotized by Mugatu to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia" Emmett squealed excitedly as he continued "...except instead of trying to kill Brian, they are trying to fuck him"

 

Marilyn couldn't help but smile at Emmett's enthusiasm, but the smile was soon knocked of her face as she was grabbed and pushed up against the wall by Rage, er, Brian.

 

"Do you find this shit funny?" Brian snarled, barely controlling his desire to punch this silly queen in her fake tits. "Did it ever occur to you to ...I don't know... fucking WARN ME?" 

 

Marilyn tried to splutter out a response but Brian wasn't done, not by a long shot.

 

"Is this what you do here in this shithole that good taste forgot?" Brian continued, livid with anger. "Do you have any fucking idea what I have been through today? No? Well let me fucking enlighten you. My best friend decided to give me a back massage using his scrotum. Yes, I said SCROTUM. Then his mother tried to rearrange my face with several household objects"

 

As Brian paused briefly to take a breath, Justin tried to make him let go of Marilyn before he was tempted to put her in a hospital. But it was like Brian was a statue. He would not be moved. He was on the warpath.

 

"...Then when I finally escaped the Novotnys, my trusted employee, my CFO for fuck sake, knocked me on my ass, then tried to suck the fillings out of my fucking teeth"

 

"Then, I have to explain this shit to my partner. Thank fuck he's loyal or he would have dumped my ass. As it was, he decided to throw a jug of water at me instead"

 

"He fainted" Justin interjected, determined to justify his actions to the crowd who had gathered around them. "...I didn't do it for the shits and giggles

 

Emmett gasped and clutched his hands over his heart, as the tears welled in his eyes. "He called you his partner, baby"

 

"Shut the fuck up, Honeycutt" Brian snarled, as he turned his laser gaze back on the misfortunate Marilyn. "But the worst, the absolute worst part of this fiasco, the moment that will give me nightmares until the day I die...was the vision of the she-devil of Dyke hell trying to fuck my ass" 

 

Brian had to pause his rant there, as he had just thrown up a little into his mouth. Gathering his wits, and swallowing, he began again.

 

"Now, you have a couple of choices here Marilyn. One, you fix this quickly and I let you live with only minor disabilities after the beating you will receive; Two, you fix this quickly and I sue you for everything you own; or three, you fix this slowly and I fucking MURDER you"

 

Marilyn's eyes bugged out of her head, partly in fear, and partly because Brian's hands had tightened their grip on her neck. Gasping for breath, she croaked "I can't help you, I don't have the skill …"

 

"Wrong answer" Brian said menacingly, tightening his hold on her neck. 

 

The crowd at Marty's had, up until this point in the evening, been highly entertained by the goings on of this particular group. But now everyone, particularly the bears in the crowd, were afraid that Brian would follow through with his threat. One particularly muscle-bound man, decided he would need to intervene. Moving stealthily up to Brian, he wrapped his forearm around Brian's neck and put him in a headlock.

 

"You need to calm down there, boy" he threatened, in a deep gravelly voice. "...it'd be a shame to snap such a pretty head from such a pretty body"

 

Justin was initially happy that someone had stepped in to prevent Brian from doing something he would regret. But upon hearing the bear's words, and witnessing his free hand cup Brian's ass, Justin lost his cool.

 

"He is MINE. MINE. Take your motherfucking hands off my motherfucking partner" 

 

Picking up a bar stool he lunged at the bear, smacking him across the ass and thighs as hard as he could, screaming as he attacked. The bear roared in pain, and released his grip on Brian to try and defend himself from the blond spitfire who had nearly broken his leg. "I'm gonna gut you like a fish, you little bitch" he snarled and started to limp towards Justin with murder in his eyes.

 

Justin realized at that moment that maybe he should have planned this a bit better. Knowing he was no match for the bear in physical strength, he quickly decided that his one advantage was speed. Before the bear could get a hold of him, Justin jumped over the bar counter and started throwing liquor bottles at him. Sadly for Justin, he had never been the sporty type and his aim was for shit. He had managed to hit several other customers and inadvertently started a full scale bar brawl. 

 

And what a bar brawl it was. Taffeta, chiffon, and chenille drapes were pulled off the walls; pillows were hurled and exploded their feathers in all directions; bongs were inserted in orifices other than mouths; shoes were thrown; weaves were ripped out of the scalps of several of the drag queens. It was a fucking three-ring circus.

 

Justin had bunkered down behind an upturned card table, lobbing glasses at anyone who came near him. Trying to get his breath back, he screamed suddenly when he felt a hand wrap around his ankle. His panic receded a little when realized that it was only Emmett.

 

"Oh my god, baby. Are you okay?" 

 

"I'm fine Em. You?"

 

"I'm good. Where's Brian?"

 

"I'm not sure. The last time I saw him, he was dunking Marilyn's head into the toilet"

 

"Well, don't you worry honey. I called the cavalry and they're on the way"

 

"Who?"

 

"The Boys in Blue"

 

"You called the fucking cops?"

 

"I'm too pretty to die baby"

 

 

 

***********

 

Two hours later, the patrons of Marty's bar had been rounded up and place in two communal holding cells. Luckily, Brian was in one and Marilyn in the other. As they waited to find out their fate, Marilyn walked up to the bars that separated the two cells and beckoned Brian over, which he reluctantly did.

 

"Brian, I want to apologize. You have every right to be upset by my actions. Though, since you started a riot in my bar, I hope we can call it even"

 

"Not even close, you bitch" Brian retorted, still exceedingly pissed off. "Did you not hear me tell you about the dyke with the dildo?"

 

Marilyn sighed frustratedly and tried again. "Listen Brian. I want to help you. But I do not have the requisite skill in hypnotism needed to counteract Miguel's suggestions. If I even attempted it, it could make the situation worse"

 

"Worse?" Brian exploded. "What could be worse than Smelly Melly trying to top me with a fucking strap-on?"

 

"A green strap-on, Marilyn. So unflattering" Emmett interjected, trying to bolster Brian's argument but failing miserably.

 

"Would you kindly shut the fuck up, Honeycutt" 

 

Brian turned back to Marilyn. "So, what you’re telling me is I need to get Miguel to undo whatever the fuck he did"

 

"Exactly" Marilyn smiled, relieved that Brian was becoming more rational.

 

"So where can I find him?" Brian asked resignedly.

 

"He'll be back at the bar in two weeks’ time so …"

 

"TWO WEEKS! TWO GODDAMN WEEKS!! No fucking way. You need to get him back sooner than that" Brian demanded as he stared at Marilyn menacingly.

 

"I can't Brian. He works every second weekend at a bar in Philly"

 

"And where does he go during the week?"

 

"He works as a teacher's aide at a pre-school somewhere near Harrisburg. I'm not exactly sure where"

 

Brian looked gobsmacked at this. "They let that fucker take care of children?"

 

Emmett again butted into the conversation. "He probably hypnotizes them to be quiet if they're being a little rambunctious. What?" Emmett demanded when he saw how Marilyn, Brian and Justin were looking at him. "Oh, please. You know you'd hypnotize the little rug rats if they were getting on your nerves"

 

The others were saved having to respond because at that moment, Carl Horvath walked into the holding area. He looked exasperated as he waved Brian, Justin and Emmett toward him. Marilyn sidled up to him from her cell as well.

 

"So, who would like to explain why I get a call at 4:30 in the morning, telling me that three of Debbie's boys are in a holding cell because they were fighting with drag queens?" Carl asked sarcastically.

 

Emmett, not picking up on the rhetorical nature of the question, decided to answer Carl. "Umm, because that's pretty much what happened?"

 

Brian and Justin snorted at that, but Marilyn decided to try and salvage the evening by bullshitting her way out of trouble. Every good bar owner knows that it does NOT make good financial sense to have all her clientele arrested.

 

"Detective, if I may, I think there has been a little misunderstanding"

 

Carl looked at her, scepticism written all over his face. "Well, please. Do tell what other interpretation my officers should have reached when they saw the people in your bar going at it like the Sharks and the Jets"

 

"Umm well, aahhh...."

 

"We are all members of a Historical Society" Justin announced loudly, pride glowing on his face that he had come up with such a brilliant excuse "… and we re-enact famous battles in history"

 

Brian had to look away to hide his amusement. Carl's lips were twitching too, but he maintained his poker face.

 

"Is that right, Justin?" He said with mock surprise, giving the impression that he was extremely interested in this group. "How fascinating. And what battle were you recreating? The Alamo? Waterloo?"

 

"Don't be ridiculous Carl. We would have had to dress up in period costume for any of those" Emmett interrupted, trying to help, but unwittingly digging them in a bigger hole"

 

"Oh, you are all in costume!" Carl exclaimed. "That is so FABULOUS" he continued, hamming it up and doing one fine impression of Emmett. "So what battle are y'all dressed for?" 

 

Justin, Marilyn and Emmett eyed each other worriedly, unable to think of any famous battle where a large percentage were bears and drag queens, and virtually everyone participating was gay. How the fuck were they going to get out of this one? But then Rage came to the rescue.

 

"We were re-enacting the Stonewall Riots" Brian said sotto voce.

 

The silence was deafening as sixty seven rioters awaited their fate.

 

Carl, for his part, wanted to avoid the tree-loads of paperwork he would have to complete if he arrested any of the revellers. And more importantly, Debbie would probably withhold nookie indefinitely.

 

 

 

"Does anyone here want to press charges against anyone else here?" he shouted in a loud voice. A chorus of No's was his answer. So Carl announced "Okay everyone, you are free to go on condition that the next time you re-enact a battle, please make sure it isn't quite so life like. Got it?"

 

The crowd cheered at this announcement, and started to file out once the cell doors were opened.

 

Carl turned to Justin, Emmett and Brian and said gruffly "Come on, I'll drive you back to Deb's. She wants to talk to you" 

 

"Oh that's fucking lovely" Brian whined, as they all followed Carl out to his car.

 

Carl ensured that they were all buckled in and the central locking was engaged before he dropped his next bombshell. He didn't want Brian jumping out of a moving vehicle.

 

"I should probably warn you that Ben, Hunter and Blake are there too"

 

"Kill me now" Brian moaned as Justin and Emmett started laughing.

 

 

 

Previously

 

Carl turned to Justin, Emmett and Brian and said gruffly "Come on, I'll drive you back to Deb's. She wants to talk to you"

"Oh that's fucking lovely" Brian whined, as they all followed Carl out to his car.

Carl ensured that they were all buckled in and the central locking was engaged before he dropped his next bombshell. He didn't want Brian jumping out of a moving vehicle.

"I should probably warn you that Ben, Hunter and Blake are there too"

"Kill me now" Brian moaned as Justin and Emmett started laughing.

 

*************

Saturday Night/Sunday Morning – after leaving jail

As Carl's car moved inexorably closer to Debbie's house, Brian became more and more irate. He'd been arguing with Carl for much of the journey, demanding that he be returned to the loft. Carl just ignored his whining and complaining, a skill he had acquired from living with Debbie for the last number of years. As Brian began to threaten bodily injury, Justin decided he should intervene.

"As a man of the law, you must realize what you are doing is considered kidnapping" Justin stated, trying to appeal to Carl's sense of duty. "...wouldn't committing a felony adversely affect your pension? Not to mention affect your sex life with Debbie? Because they only allow conjugal visits to married couples, not fiancées"

"Oh no, Baby. Carl's sex life will be just fine. His HOMO sex life, that is" Emmett interrupted, his eyes beginning to glaze over as he continued "...just imagine all those hot buff men in the communal showers, soap being dropped left and right..." Emmett was actually drooling as he imagined HIMSELF in such a scenario.

"Seriously Honeycutt. You have got to stop watching all those pornos set in prison. How many times have I told you that prison is NOT a gay orgy funded by the State" Brian scorned, amazed that he hadn't murdered Emmett yet, considering the stupid shit he said. Emmett silently responded by sticking out his tongue at Brian.

"Well, thank you boys for the advice, but I think I'll risk the jail time" Carl laughed, highly amused by the antics of these three young men "...because if I don't bring you three home to explain to Debbie what is going on, SHE will make my life a living hell. Trust me" he laughed. Life was definitely more interesting since he had met Debbie and her collection of lost boys.

As they came closer and closer to Deb's, Brian could feel his anxiety grow. Shifting over in the backseat, he placed his arm around Justin's shoulders, leaned in and began to whisper.

"Sunshine, I can't face the thought of going into that house. Debbie will try to maim me with a spatula, Blake will probably try to be all 'counselly' and Ben might rip my arms from my torso and shove them up my ass"

Justin started to snort with laughter, but as his gaze met Brian's, he could see he was deadly serious.

"So much shit has happened since I woke up this morning with Michael trying to hump me" Brian continued in a low voice, making sure that Carl and Emmett couldn't hear him "… and I need a break. We need a break. We've had so much shit thrown at us today that I just need... I need to just be with you. Just you, Justin"

As a rule, Brian didn't confess to needing anything, and he certainly didn't make his needs known so explicitly. Justin realized that Brian was actually traumatized by the events of the day. The fact that he admitted to not being able to face more drama at Deb's proved it.

Stroking Brian's face softly, Justin questioned "What can we do? If we try to make a run for it on foot, Carl will easily be able to catch us in his car" Brian just shrugged wearily in response, unable to come up with a plan.

"What are you two whispering about?" Emmett demanded to know, glaring at the two huddled in the backseat. "You know, it is incredibly rude to whisper in company" he continued huffily, feeling left out of whatever Brian and Justin were up to.

"My apologies, Ms. Manners. I was just informing Justin of how long I was going to rim his ass for tonight before I fucked him unconscious. My bad for not realizing you and Carl would like to participate in the conversation" Brian replied facetiously, grunting as Justin elbowed him in the side. "So Carl, why don't you give us the straight male's perspective on eating ass?"

Carl swerved and quickly straightened back up on the road before he replied "That's quite all right Brian. I'm not sure I have anything to add to that particular topic of conversation. Please carry on – quietly"

"That ok with you, Emmy Lou?" Brian asked the pissed off queen.

"Oh shut up Brian. Do whatever the hell you want. You always do" Emmett replied, tossing his head as he stared determinedly out the passenger side window.

As Brian silently congratulated himself on having pissed off Emmett and embarrassed the fuck out of Carl, Justin had a brainwave.

"Brian!" Justin whispered urgently, pulling Brian's head down towards him "I have a plan!"

 

*****************

 

Carl parked out front of Debbie's. Before he unlocked the car doors, he turned to look at Brian and Justin, giving them his most stern, intimidating stare. "If you two behave, and tell Debbie what she wants to know, I'll make sure this little chat goes quickly and get you home before the sun comes up". Seeing Brian and Justin nod their heads in resignation, Carl unlocked the car and the four men began the short walk up to Debbie's front door.

Just as Carl unlocked and began to open the door, Justin shouted "NOW. BRIAN, NOW!!"

Before Carl knew what was happening, he felt himself propelled head first through the open door, landing at the foot of the stairs. His attempt to get up was hampered though. He watched as little Sunshine planted his foot on Emmett's backside and pushed, sending him flailing through the door and head first into Carl, knocking him on his ass once again.

As Carl tried to get back on his feet, he could hear several sets of footsteps thundering down the stairs and then Debbie's less than dulcet tones screaming "What the fuck is going on?"

Brian and Justin had no intention of answering though. Justin grabbed Carl's keys out of the door, then the two of them sprinted down to the car and hopped in. Ben and Hunter chased after them but for different reasons; Ben wanted to remove Brian's remaining ball with his bare hands; Hunter wanted to witness the action.

Debbie, having assured herself that Carl and Emmett were uninjured, ran out after Ben before he murdered Brian. She got to the sidewalk just in time to watch Ben launch himself onto the car, hanging on with a grim determination as the car slowly picked up speed.

"Ben Bruckner, get your ass down off that car right now?" she screamed, running up the road after them. First Michael, now Ben. She watched, astonished, as Ben continued to cling to the rear of the car, as it weaved from side to side in an effort to shake him off. If she wasn't so freaked out, she would have been impressed by Ben's persistence, not to mention strength. Eventually a combination of the swerving car, together with the activation of the windscreen wipers, ensured that Ben lost his grip and slid off the car with a thud. Running up to Ben, Debbie crouched down beside him.

"Ben, honey. Are you okay? Are you hurt, bleeding?"

"No Deb. I'm not injured. Just a bit bruised I'd say"

"Jumping onto a moving car. My God, Ben. What the fuck were you thinking?"

"I was thinking I'm going to murder Brian Kinney when I get my hands on him"

 

************

Justin and Brian drove in silence for a couple of miles before Justin suddenly pulled over.

"What's up Sunshine? You okay?" Brian asked the younger man, concerned at how pale Justin appeared. Justin turned to face Brian and said shakily "I can't believe we just did that. We assaulted Emmett and Carl, stole a car, and then knocked Ben off it”

Brian smiled ruefully as he acknowledged how fucking bizarre this day had been.

"Well Sunshine, I hate to break this to you, but there is no WE. YOU were the mastermind behind this. I'm just an accomplice. You're on your own" Brian joked, causing Justin to slap him on the arm.

"Did you see the look on Ben's face when chased after us? He looked like a freaking madman" Justin commented, not having seen Ben this pissed off since his steroid Mary days. "...You don't think he's using again, do you?"

Brian shrugged. "It wouldn't surprise me. It would account for how he was able to hold onto a moving car for so long" he mused.

"Yeah" Justin agreed, laughing shakily "...he was like the fucking Terminator"

They continued to sit there in silence, trying to calm their breathing and their heart rates. Suddenly, and without warning, Justin began sobbing. Large tears rolled down his face.

"Carl is going to have me fucking arrested" Justin managed to spit out between sobs. Looking at Brian mournfully, he continued "I'm going to be some big, fat, ugly, smelly drug baron's bitch"

Brian tried to suppress the smile he felt tugging at his lips. Wrapping his arms around the hysterical blond, he tried to reassure Justin.

"You won't be arrested and you won't be going to jail, Justin. And you won't be a drug baron's bitch. Christ, I'm not letting you borrow porn from Emmett anymore. That shit warps young minds"

Justin half smiled at that, but he was still worried, so Brian tried again.

"I promise Justin, I won't let you go to prison. I'd flee the country with you before I let that happen" Holding Justin tear-streaked face gently between his hands, Brian continued "You're MY bitch. And you will always be my bitch, in sickness and in health, till death do us part... or your ass gives out – whichever comes first"

Justin laughed as he hugged Brian, kissing him sweetly. "How romantic!"

Brian smiled and took Justin's hand in his, bringing it to his lips. "I aim to please, baby. Now let's go the fuck home. Hopefully when we wake up tomorrow, or rather today, this will all have been a bad dream"

Justin started the car and headed toward the loft. Smiling mischievously, he started teasing Brian

"You SO love me. You can't live without me. You called me Baby"

 “Shut up and drive, twat"

"Okay, baby"

"Justin, I mean it"

"Whatever you say, baby"

Grrrrrrr...........

 

 

 

Brian and Justin finally arrived at the loft just as the sun began to rise. Exhaustedly, they took the elevator up to their floor, before entering the loft.

As Brian closed the large sliding door, he leaned against it, relief to be home making him sag against it. God, it felt good to shut the world out for a while. A small smile of contentment graced his lips. When he opened his eyes, however, he noticed that his partner didn't look quite as relieved as he. In fact, Justin looked like a man on a mission.

 

"Sunshine, what are you doing" he asked, forcing himself to stand away from the door, and walk toward Justin who had just finished looking into the bathroom and was now checking out the closets. Barely acknowledging Brian's question, Justin walked toward the kitchen and checked the larger cabinets. Finally turning to a puzzled Brian, Justin answered, "Just making sure no-one is going to jump out suddenly and try to fuck you"

"Christ, don't even joke about it" Brian demanded as he flopped down on the sofa, weariness etched across his face. Seeing that his partner was now checking behind the curtains, Brian urged him to come over and sit with him.

 

When Justin reluctantly joined him, Brian realized that the last twenty four hours had taken a toll on his blond. He seemed to radiate tension. "Relax" Brian commanded, rubbing Justin's stiff neck and shoulders "...we're alone now"

"Yeah, but for how long, Brian?"

"What do you mean?"

Justin turned to face Brian, ensuring that he had the older man's full attention before he continued.

"Both Michael and Ted have keys to this place. Hell, for all I know, Mel has one too. Don't think for one minute that they won't use them"

When Brian didn't say anything, Justin went on "...And what's to stop Debbie or Ben coming over her to murder you? Or god help us, if Carl arrives and arrests me? We’re not safe here Brian, we need to leave right NOW"

Justin had worked himself into a full blown queen out and now was urgently pulling Brian off the sofa and started to drag him towards the bedroom. "Brian, come on. We have to pack and go to a hotel or something. Will you come on?” he demanded, trying to get Brian to start packing. Justin had already thrown a few days’ worth of clothes and toiletries haphazardly into his duffel bag and was calling hotels when Brian finally responded.

"Justin, hang up the phone"

"But Brian..."

"Hang it up"

Justin ended the call, looking confused and pissed off. "What's the problem? Surely you see we can't stay here?"

Brian ran his hand through his hair, before he sat his hyperactive partner down on the foot of the bed. He was reluctant to make the suggestion he was going to make to Justin, as they hadn't been back there since Sunshine had moved to New York, but it seemed like the ideal place to him. But, sentimental twat that Sunshine was, he might become all lesbianic or maudlin about them not having moved in. Taking a deep breath, Brian said "Justin, I agree, we should go somewhere else, but not to a hotel. Why don't we go to Britin?"

Justin looked surprised at first, then a huge sunshine smile lit up his face. Kissing Brian forcefully on the lips, he replied "Perfect. Britin would be perfect. Now move your ass and pack"

Brian began to select some clothes from his closet, and then painstakingly folded each item into his bag. Justin just shook his head and laughed as he watched Brian expertly fold his underwear before packing them. Here they were, on the run from the law, and Brian had to make sure his fucking underwear wasn't wrinkled.

As Brian continued packing painfully slowly, Justin started getting excited about spending the next few days at Britin. The last time he had been there was several months ago, and he was looking forward to lounging by the pool, and chilling out far away from Brian's harem. He picked up a notepad and a pen and started compiling a to-list of what he needed before they headed out for their impromptu vacation. Buy groceries; condoms; lube; extra bedding; call his mom to let her know that he would be "away" and to stay away from Debbie; return Carl's car....

"Oh Holy Fuck, I stole a cop car" Justin screamed, as it hit him once again that he had committed a crime. "Brian, we have to give back Carl's car before I'm sent to Ryker's Island"

Brian couldn't believe the shit that exploded out of Justin's mouth sometimes. It was during his queen outs that little Sunshine truly showed his age. Finishing up his packing, Brian just nodded his head and said "Yes, dear"

"Brian, are you listening to me? I could be sent to Ryker's Island where the prison guards are as dangerous as the inmates, and they will use their truncheons on me. I'm going to be black and blue"

"Calm the fuck down Justin. You won’t be sent to Ryker's Island. It's in New York for fuck sake" Realizing that logic was not what the blond was looking for, Brian tried again. "On our way to Britin, we’ll leave Carl's car parked outside the diner. We'll call him from the road to let him know where to find it, okay?"

Justin seemed alright with this plan, so Brian continued his packing. Once finished, he opened the safe concealed by the naked man painting and withdrew several rolls of $100 bills. Justin's eyes bugged out of his head when he estimated how much cash Brian had.

"What the fuck do we need that for?" Justin demanded to know. Brian just smiled and retorted "It's your bail money"

"Ha, fucking ha"

Just then a loud banging could be heard on the loft door. Brian closed the safe and quickly moved over to Justin who looked like the Gestapo was at the door. Silently, they both held their breath, hoping against hope that whomever was outside the door would leave. No such luck, however. A key was placed in the lock and then the door began to slowly slide open. And there stood Melanie Marcus, attorney at law.

"FUCK MY LIFE" Brian screamed as he raced to the door, spreading his arms out to prevent Mel from gaining entrance. Wearing a beige trench coat and carrying a half drank bottle of vodka, Mel drunkenly reached out and caressed Brian's chest. "Aren't you going to invite me in, lover" she slurred, attempting to be seductive.

"Not in this lifetime" Brian retorted, batting her hands away as she continued to maul his tits. Fucking lesbians.

"Don't be like that, honey" she continued, completely unaware that Brian looked a little green around the gills. "I just came to say au revoir. I'm heading up to Canada to hand in my resignation and pack my things. But I'll be back, lover. Soon. Real soon"

"Well, that's super. Bye now" Brian said and attempted to close the door once again. But Melanie stuck her foot in the way.

"I can't leave without my farewell kiss, now, can I?" she purred. Taking a large fortifying swig of vodka, she dropped the bottle and pulled open her trench coat to reveal her naked self to Brian's horrified gaze. Taking advantage of Brian's shock, she grabbed his crotch with one hand and his neck with the other and French kissed the shit out of him.

Brian was having an out of body experience. It was like he was watching events, unable to do anything to change them. A couple of things occurred to him. Firstly, Mel's tongue was doing a fabulous impression of a windmill, as it circled around his mouth, trying to connect with his own tongue, which he was desperately trying to keep away from her. Secondly, she had no idea how to handle cock. Her grip was so tight, he was afraid to move away from her in case she ripped his one remaining ball clean off.

The honk of a car horn brought the kiss to an end. Wiping her hand across her face, Mel smiled at Brian as she fastened her coat back up. "Well, that's my ride to the airport" Smiling at the shocked faces of Brian and Justin, she added "You have a very mobile tongue, lover. I can't wait to feel it in action in places other than my mouth". And with that, Mel sauntered down the stairs.

Brian didn't look like he was capable of moving, so Justin slid the door closed, and guided Brian over to the sofa. He wanted to murder Mel when she started kissing Brian, but he had been so shocked he couldn't have moved if he tried. He had felt like he was watching a tiger mate with a lizard. It was so disgusting but he just couldn't look away. His partner seemed to be in shock. "Brian, are you o...."

Before he could finish his sentence, Brian had run for the toilet, and Justin could hear the loud retching as Brian emptied the contents of his stomach. When Brian finally returned, he was carrying both his bag and Justin's. Picking up the car keys for the 'Vette and Carl's car, Brian walked over to the loft door and opened it. Turning back to Justin, he snarled "You coming?"

Justin nodded and followed Brian out to the cars in silence. Before he got into Carl's car, Justin turned to Brian and asked "are you okay?"

Brian turned to him and said "We will never speak of this ever again. It never happened. Understand?"

"But Brian...."

"NEVER, JUSTIN. I MEAN IT"

"Okay"

"Good. Now let’s collect the ‘Vette from outside Marty’s, then leave Carl’s car outside the dinner, and head to Britin"

 

**********************

Meanwhile at Debbie's

Debbie helped Ben walk back to the house. He would live, but he had landed hard on his knees, so he was having a little trouble.

When the got back inside, Hunter and Blake were fussing over Emmett and Carl, getting them cups of tea and ice for their bumps and bruises. Ben and Debbie joined them at the dinner table and soon all eyes turned to Emmett, who preened at being the centre of attention.

"So Emmett, what the fuck happened? What did you find out and how the hell did you all end up arrested" Debbie questioned.

Emmett, the gossip king, began to regale his audience with the events of the evening, from who was wearing what, to how many drinks were bought for him and more pertinently, what Marilyn had told them. Once he explained about the hypnotism, his audience were shocked into a stunned silence. But not for long, because Debbie started shrieking.

"OH MY GOD, MY POOR BABY. OH MY GOD"

Debbie continued to shriek and wail until another shrill voice started to shout from the doorway of the kitchen.

 "What the fuck is all this noise about"

All eyes turned toward Michael, who had been awakened by the screaming and had come down stairs to investigate. After his impassioned karaoke performance earlier at Woodies, his mother had tried to bring him back to the hospital. Michael had dug his heels in though, and had refused pointblank to return. "I'm fine, Ma. Quit worrying" he had told his mother when she had pleaded with him to go back. "I need to be at home, so that I'm close to Brian"

Deb had decided that she may as well agree. Michael was such a stubborn little shit. If they had tried to bring him back to hospital, he would just have taken off once again. But when she had driven Ben, Michael and Hunter home from Woodies, Michael had refused to get out of the car.

"Mom, I told you that Ben and I have broken up and that I'm with Brian now. You can just drop me at the loft"

Ben looked as though he was going to punch something when he heard this, but he held his tongue. And Debbie, try as she might, had been unable to convince Michael to change his mind. She did however insist he came home with her for one night. Taking him home and putting him to bed in his old room, Debbie had hoped that Brian and Justin would figure out what had happened to her son and he would be back to normal.

Now, having heard Emmett's news, and with Brian and Justin having taken off to god knows where, she was as worried as ever.

Pulled from her reverie by Michael once again demanding to know what was going on, Deb turned to her son and said. "Michael. You need to rest honey. Go back to sleep baby and we'll talk in the morning"

Michael was having none of it. He wanted to know why all these people were sitting in his mother's kitchen at five in the morning.

"Tell me what is going on"

They all avoided eye contact, willing each other to be the one to speak. Finally, Ben spoke up.

"Michael, I have some news which you may find upsetting, but I need you to listen to me carefully, okay?"

Michael just nodded.

Taking a deep breath, Ben began.

"Emmett has learned that you, Ted and Melanie were hypnotized last night into believing you are in love with Brian"

Michael looked at Ben, with a pitying look in his eye. "Oh Ben. You don't need to make up these lies to justify why I've left you. You need to face reality" he added condescendingly.

Ben clenched his teeth, and tried once again. "I'm telling you the truth, Michael. Emmett just told us. You were hypnotized as part of a prank"

Michael, who didn't believe one word, turned to Emmett and asked "Why are you saying this crap? Are you jealous that I'm with Brian, is that it?"

Emmett looked indignant at the very suggestion. "Me? Jealous of you? Not in this lifetime" he replied bitchily.

But Michael thought he had hit the nail on the head, so he continued "You ARE jealous. Jealous that Brian Kinney is my lover, that he wants ME, not YOU"

Blake tried to intervene to calm everyone down. Slowly approaching Michael, he spoke softly "I'm sure Emmett isn't jealous Michael. He's just trying to be a good friend by telling you what happened to you. I know that you don't remember any of it, but think. Why would Emmett lie? Or Ben? Or Carl? Or your own mother?" As Blake spoke, he pointed to each of them, who nodded, confirming that he spoke the truth.

Michael was confused, but he was also a stubborn shit, so he stuck to his guns. "Emmett is a big fat liar. He is consumed with jealousy because I get to have sex with the Stud of Liberty Avenue and he never has, and never will"

"Fat? Did you just call me, ME, fat?" Emmett raged, looking ready to knock Michael's head off. "I will have you know that I am the same weight now as when I was sixteen years of age. And furthermore, just so you know, Brian fucked me within weeks of me moving to Pittsburgh. And since he doesn't "do" fat, that proves my point" Emmett smiled triumphantly into Michael's shocked face. "So put that in your fucking pipe and smoke it, Mr. Novotny"

It was only when the first saucepan flew passed his head, that Emmett realized that maybe he shouldn't have mentioned his tryst with Brian. It had happened before he had made friends with any of the gang, and once he had, he realized that he should never bring it up, especially to Michael, not if he wanted to keep his friendship. But the cat was well and truly out of the bag, and Michael was out for blood.

Michael threw a frying pan and another pot at Emmett, before grabbing his mother’s sharpest knife out of the knife block and began chasing Emmett around the kitchen with it, screaming with rage. Everyone shouted at Michael to stop, but he wouldn't listen as he continued to try to stab Emmett. Eventually Carl took him down by performing a running tackle and knocking him to the floor. Michael refused to calm down, so Carl pulled out his handcuffs, snapping one on Michael's wrist and the other onto the radiator pipe.

Debbie hugged Carl and thanked him for taking control of the situation. Ushering everyone into the sitting room, she turned to Michael who was sitting on the floor with a mulish expression on his face, and pointed her finger at him.

"Michael Charles Novotny. I cannot believe what you just did. Now you sit there and think about what you did, young man"

"You can't put me in time out, Ma. I'm thirty five fucking years old"

"You're lucky that's all I'm doing, you little shit. Now shut the fuck up or I'm getting out the wooden spoon. You have been warned"

As Debbie headed into the sitting room, the phone rang so she answered it.

"Brian? Is that you?"

"...outside the diner?..."

"...now listen here, you little shit, you nearly killed Ben..."

"… of course you didn't ask him to jump on the car but that's not the fucking point..."

"...when will you be back?..."

"...what are you going to do?..."

"...two fucking weeks!!! …"

"...okay honey..."

"...yeah, I'll tell him. Okay, keep in touch"

Everyone was listening to Debbie's side of the conversation and waited to hear the latest.

Wearily, Debbie sat beside Carl on the couch and said "Justin and Brian are going to an "undisclosed location" for a while and they will be in touch. They're working on a way to fix this mess so in the meantime we have to control the Pittsburgh Butcher over there" she snarked, looking pointedly at Michael.

"Now, I don't know about you guys, but I'm exhausted, so let's all get some sleep. I have a feeling we're going to need it" Carl said, standing up and then pulling Debbie to her feet. Ben and Hunter said goodnight and went home, Blake decided to head to the hospital to visit Ted, while Emmett headed upstairs to his room. Picking up some cushions and a throw off the couch, Debbie carried them over to Michael and dumped them on his lap.

"Here you go, Honey. Night night"

Michael looked appalled at the idea of his mother leaving him to sleep on the kitchen floor while handcuffed to a radiator.

"You’re not really going to leave me here all night, are you, Ma?" Michael pleaded.

Debbie, for once, wasn't taken in by Michael's puppy dog eyes and little boy act. She was just too fucking tired.

"I'll tell you what, Michael. I'll let you sleep in your own room tomorrow night if you are a good boy and don’t try to stab anyone"

With that, Carl and Deb climbed up the stairs to their bedroom. Just before she fell asleep, Debbie remembered something.

"Carl? You awake?"

"What is it, honey?"

"I forgot to tell you. Justin asked me to pass on his apologies for stealing his car, and please not to send him to Ryker's Island"

 

 

Brian and Justin were happily ensconced in the ‘Vette. Having dropped Carl’s car outside the diner, Brian gunned the engine and they were soon on the outskirts of Pittsburgh, heading out to Britin.

 

When Brian’s cell rang, he gestured for a reluctant Justin to answer it. “Justin, you have to answer it as I’m driving”. Brian tried, and failed to keep the smirk off his face as he continued, “…It would be highly irresponsible of me to risk your safety, and that of other drivers”

 

Justin’s snort of derision made it clear that he wasn’t buying what Brian was selling. “Here’s a thought! Why don’t you just pull the fuck over, and THEN answer the phone?”

 

But Brian wasn’t defeated yet. “I’m surprised at you, Sunshine. Wasn’t it you who was desperately trying to flee from the law? And now you want me to delay our escape because you don’t want to answer the phone?”

 

Justin had to laugh at this piece of justification. “Oh sure, Brian. You’re really are looking out for my best interests and you are in no way trying to avoid your fan club”. Conceding defeat, Justin elbowed Brian in the ribs before demanding he hand over the fucking phone that he was too much of a chicken-shit to answer.

 

Looking at the name displayed on the phone, Justin sighed in resignation before answering.

 

“Hey Lindsey, how’re you?”

 

“Justin? Oh thank god” Lindsey cried breathlessly into the phone upon hearing Justin’s voice. “I’ve been worried sick. I’ve been calling you and Brian for hours. What the hell is going on? How could you ignore me like this?”

 

“Sorry Linds, we were kind of tied up and didn’t have access to our phones” Justin explained, as Brian snorted. “Tell her the truth, we were in jail and we’re now on the lam”

 

“Oh shut the fuck up…no, not you Lindsey. Brian is just being an asshole. No surprise, right?” he continued, putting the call on speaker.

 

“I don’t feel this is the time for levity Justin” Lindsey declared as she began to cry again. “I’m bereft, I’m inconsolable, I’m disconsolate, I’m hurt, I’m aggrieved, I’m tormented, I’m …”

 

“Jesus Christ Lindsey. You’re longwinded is what you are” Brian interrupted, rolling his eyes as he listened to her sobs. “If I were you, I’d be counting my lucky stars that you no longer have to munch on the She-Witch from Hell”

 

This sent Lindsey into another crying jag, which made even Justin roll his eyes. Losing patience, Justin tried to calm her down.

 

“Lindsey, if you could stop crying for a minute, I’ll explain everything. Lindsey? Lindsey! LINDSEY – JUST SHUT YOUR GODDAMN MOUTH. IF I HAVE TO LISTEN TO MUCH MORE, MY EARS WILL BLEED!”

 

Shocked into silence, the crying stopped, so Justin hurriedly continued.

 

“Mel was hypnotised into believing that she and Brian are lovers. We’re trying to find out how to undo it. She’s on her way back to Toronto to resign from her job. I suggest you come up with a plan to prevent that from happening. We’ll call when we have more information. Goodbye”

 

Brian looked at Justin with undisguised admiration. “I didn’t think you had it in you, Sunshine. A WASP like you abandoning proper phone etiquette. I’m proud of you”

 

Justin just smirked, feeling very self-satisfied.

 

The continued on in companionable silence for a few minutes, enjoying the hazy sunlight of early morning, when Brian cursed and then made a swift U-Turn on the road.

 

“Why are we going back?”

 

“I left the fucking keys for Britin in the safe at Kinnetik”

 

“Dumbass. Being on the run with you will surely get me caught”

 

“Oh fuck off”

 

 

 

*************

 

 

 

Blake had headed home before going to see Ted in the hospital. He had needed to shower, change and pack Ted’s toiletries. It was still early, so visiting hours wouldn’t begin for another hour or so, giving him plenty of time. As he threw the duffel bag in the trunk, his phone rang.

 

“Hey Debbie”

 

“Blake, are you still heading over to Ted this morning?”

 

“Yeah, I’m just getting ready to leave”

 

“Well, come on by my house first. I made some food for you boys. That hospital food will fucking kill ya”

 

“Debbie, thank you, but that’s really not necessary” Blake really did not want to have to deal with any more drama. He would have his hands full with Ted soon enough.

 

Debbie just ignored him as she continued “… so I’ll see you in a few minutes”

 

Blake sighed in resignation, started the car, and headed in the direction of Deb’s.

 

As he entered the home, it smelled like a bakery.  He walked into the kitchen and saw a multitude of trays containing muffins and lemon bars, some cooling, and some waiting to go into the oven. On the stove, he could see a large vat of chicken soup simmering away. He looked at a flour-covered Debbie in astonishment.

 

“I left here less than an hour ago. How the hell did you do all this? I thought you were heading to bed?”

 

Debbie pulled yet another tray of muffins out of the oven, setting them down on the counter before answering. “Well, I had intended to go to bed, but my asshole of a son kept screaming at the top of his fucking lungs, so I hadn’t much choice” Deb shot Michael a dirty look before she continued “…so I figured, if I have to be awake, I may as well make myself useful”

 

Michael, who was still handcuffed to the radiator, tried as best as he could to fold his arms across his chest defensively, pouting as he retorted “Can you blame me? What kind of mother handcuffs her son to a fucking radiator?”

 

“What kind of son attacks his friend with my fucking kitchen utensils?” Deb spat back at him. “What kind of son put his other friend in the fucking hospital? What kind of grown ass son is afraid of the dark and screams like a fucking baby because I didn’t leave the kitchen light on?”

 

Michael’s eyes nearly popped out of his head as Debbie revealed one of his most hidden, embarrassing secrets. “Fuck you, Ma. I am NOT afraid of the dark. I was just worried that there would be a fire and I would be trapped against the radiator and burn to death”

 

“I should be so lucky” Debbie muttered under her breath. Michael heard her though, and huffily turned his back to her to sulk.

 

Blake, trying to direct the conversation to a less contentious topic, interjected “So have you heard anymore from Brian and Justin? Do you know where they went?”

 

“No, they wouldn’t say. But if I had to guess, I’d say they probably went to that house out in the boonies that Brian bought for Sunshine”

 

Michael’s head swivelled around so fast at hearing this, that it was a wonder he didn’t do himself a permanent injury. “There is no fucking way Brian would bring Boy Wonder to Novinney Manor. He and I are going to live there in wedded bliss” he declared with certainty. Blake and Debbie looked on as a dreamy expression crossed Michael’s face as he continued. “I just can’t wait for Brian to take me there. I’m going to have so much fun decorating. Apparently it’s so big that I will have lots of space for my comic memorabilia. Ooh, maybe I can theme each room for a superhero! That would be soooo amazing!”

 

“Yeah, that’s fucking likely” Debbie snorted. “Mr Designer Label would have a coronary if he saw your toys around the place. I know you were hypnotised, but you can’t be THAT fucking clueless”

 

Blake tried to hide his grin when he saw the look of indignant outrage on Michael’s face. He realised he made a mistake in turning the conversation to Brian, but he had to laugh at the dialogue between mother and son.

 

“They are NOT toys. They are collectibles. I don’t know how many times I have to explain this to you, Ma”. Debbie just rolled her eyes as Michael continued. “And if I were you, I would start worrying about what Brian will do when he finds out that you have chained me up like a fucking dog. He won’t stand for his fiancé to be treated in this manner” he threatened.

 

Debbie burst out into raucous laughter. “Are you fucking kidding me? Brian will probably pay me to keep you there for as long as possible. He’s probably worried you’ll try to hump his leg again”

 

Michael reddened at her comment, decided not to respond to it, and turned his attention to Blake.

 

“If you know what’s good for you, you’ll keep Ted away from Brian and me. I’m sorry he’s in the hospital, but I’ll put him there again if he tries to break me and Brian up”

 

Before Blake could answer, Debbie started shouting. “Michael Charles Novotney, I did not raise you to be violent” she screeched as she whacked Michael over the head with a dish cloth. “Stop threatening your fucking friends or I’ll rip you a new asshole with my bare hands”

 

Debbie went back over to the counter and boxed up muffins and lemon bars for Blake, and then went searching for a flask for the soup. Seeing that she was distracted, Michael hissed at Blake “Just keep Ted away from Brian, and no one will get hurt”

 

Blake was slowly losing patience so he replied curtly. “Considering they work together, that could be rather challenging, don’t you think Michael?” Seeing that Michael was building himself up for another tantrum, Blake decided it was time to leave. He hastily grabbed the boxes Debbie had given him and raced to the door, calling out that he would collect the soup later and ran out the door and out to his car, Michael’s screams of rage fading into the distance.

 

 

 

When Blake arrived at the hospital, he left one of the boxes Deb had given him at the nurses’ station. There was no way in hell that he and Ted could manage to get through them all, and besides, everyone knows that if you get the nurses on your side, then things move more smoothly. As he entered Ted’s room, there was no sign of him. Blake checked the bathroom before going back down to the Nurse’s station to see of Ted had been taken for tests. The nurse checked the files, before announcing “Oh Mr Schmidt discharged himself, against doctor’s orders I might add, early this morning. He rented crutches and insisted that we call him a cab”

 

Blake couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “How the hell could you let him leave? He had major surgery just yesterday! He’s in a body cast for goodness sake!”

 

The nurse just shrugged her shoulders. “We can’t keep grown adults here against their will. He signed a waiver, confirming that he understood this was against medical advice. It’s not like we could handcuff him to the bed”

 

“Do you know where he went?”

 

“Not a clue”

 

As Blake returned to his car, he tried to figure out where Ted would go. Well, the first thing to do was find out where Brian was, because Ted surely wouldn’t be far behind.

 

 

 

******************

 

Meanwhile at Kinnetik

 

 Brian and Justin had the building to themselves seeing as it was a Sunday so they intended to get in and out quickly and get back on the road. The best laid plans were scuppered however, when Cynthia burst in to Brian’s office with a lamp in her hand, screaming that she had the police on speed dial. Seeing who the “intruders” were, she dropped her weapon and started to curse up a storm.

 

“Jesus, Brian, you fucking asshole. You scared the living shit out of me. Aren’t you supposed to be in New York?”

 

“Well hello to you too” Brian drawled sarcastically “…what a lovely way of greeting your boss”

 

Cynthia blushed, but she wouldn’t be put off her line of questioning. “Hello Brian. And you too Justin” she added, just noticing that Justin was in the room too. “Now will you please tell me what is going on? Why are you here?”

 

“Well, Cynthia, I work here” Brian replied facetiously. “What are YOU doing here, and on a Sunday morning, no less?”

 

“Well, since my boss called me yesterday morning and told me that he would be missing in action this week, I thought it might be prudent to get a jump start on the week” Folding her arms across her chest, Cynthia gave Brian her patent “Don’t fuck with me” stare and waited.

 

“You may as well tell her, Brian” Justin advised, “…considering that Ted won’t be here this week either while he’s in hospital. She needs to know”

 

“Ted’s in hospital? Oh my god, is he alright? What happened?”

 

Brian knew that Justin was right, but he didn’t want to hear yet another recounting of the last few days events. “You tell her, Sunshine. I’m going to grab some coffee” and with that, Brian strode out the door to walk to the nearest Starbucks, leaving Justin to, once again, do the dirty work.

 

Upon his return, Brian encountered a very shocked Cynthia, who was sitting with Justin on the sofa, disbelief showing on her face as she processed what she had heard. Brian’s usually unflappable second-in-command was, for once, flapped.

 

Placing the three large black coffees on the table in front of them, Brian walked over to the drinks cabinet and returned with whiskey to make all their coffees Irish. Granted it was 8am on a Sunday but fuck it, desperate times call for desperate measures.

 

“Cynthia, I know this is a lot to take in, but Brian needs you to man the ship for a while, until we get this crap sorted out” Justin said softly. Brian on the other hand, was more direct.

 

“Snap the fuck out of it” he demanded in the voice that put the fear of god into most of his staff. Cynthia was impervious to it, but it did snap her out of her reverie. Forgoing the coffee, she grabbed the whiskey from Brian and took several swigs before wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, and then, in her usual calm, efficient manner, said “So, what’s the plan, boss?”

 

Brian leaned over to give her a kiss on the cheek and whispered “Atta girl”. Rising to his feet, Brian began to pace the room figuring out what needed to be done. Turning to Cynthia and Justin, he started to list out instructions.  

 

“Firstly, you are not to inform anyone, and I mean, ANYONE, of my whereabouts. If anyone asks, I’m out of state. Secondly, we will need to beef up security. Hire some temps to ensure that Mel, Michael or Ted are not let into the building”

 

“Brian, is that really necessary?” Justin questioned. “You won’t be here so what will it matter?”

 

Brian just smiled.

 

“Cynthia? Would you please inform my blond partner how many times per day Michael calls me at work, on average?”

 

Cynthia smirked as she replied. “On average? Three to five.”

 

“And how often does he drop in to visit?”

 

“Nearly every day”

 

“And that was when he wasn’t in ‘lurve’ with me” Turning to Justin, Brian enquired “Imagine what he’d be like now. No one would get any fucking work done”

 

“Okay, okay. I get it, you smug bastard” Justin conceded, playfully swatting Brian on the arm. “Please continue with your orders, oh mighty one”

 

Before Brian could continue however, a loud bang and muffled curses could be heard outside the office. Brian opened the door to investigate, but he had no sooner stuck his head out, when he rushed back in and locked the door.

 

“Brian, what is it? What’s going on?”

 

“It’s fucking Ted”

 

Justin shook his head in disbelief. “It can’t be Ted. He’s in hospital”

 

“Well, tell that to him, because as we speak, he’s knocking over vases as he makes his way up the corridor on fucking crutches” Brian retorted, running his hand through his hair in agitation. Couldn’t a man relax for five fucking minutes without having stalkers pop up everywhere?

 

“I’m calling Blake” Justin announced as he dialled the number.

 

The next fifteen minutes, as they waited for Blake to arrive, felt like the longest of Brian’s life. Ted had spent five minutes begging to be allowed into the office. The next five minutes were spent trying to break down the door by hammering on it with his crutches. When that didn’t work, he began to sing romantic arias to entice his ‘lover’. But however pissed off Brian was, Justin was livid. Though he understood that Ted couldn’t help himself, Justin couldn’t help be pissed when he had to listen to Ted try to ‘woo’ Brian. Eventually, Justin’s tolerance ended and he began to scream.

 

“Shut up, shut up, shut up” he roared, pounding on the door to interrupt Ted’s serenade. “Brian is with me. I’m with him. He fucks me, I fuck him”

 

Cynthia’s eyebrows raised at that comment, and she smirked at Brian. Brian just shrugged. “He fucks like a jack hammer” and turned his attention back to Justin.

 

“…He loves me, I love him. So stop your caterwauling before I rip your voice box out of your fucking throat”

 

The singing stopped.

 

A few moments later, they could hear another voice out in the hallway, a muffled conversation, followed by a knock on the office door.

 

“Brian, its Blake. I need to speak with you”

 

With great reluctance, Brian opened the door to see Blake and Ted waiting for him. Ted’s eyes lit up and he tried to shuffle towards Brian but Blake held him back.

 

“Brian. Ted has something to say to you, and then we’re going home”

 

Ted seemed to hesitate, so Blake turned to face Brian and winked at him before speaking. “Brian, I’ve explained to Ted that you need him to go home and recuperate until he is healed so that he can resume his husbandly duties as soon as possible”

 

Before Brian could reply, a screech of “What the fuck?” could be heard from Justin. Brian shushed him and turned his attention back to Blake and Ted.

 

“That’s correct, Blake” Brian said, playing along, though it nearly made him vomit. “…I need Ted to be in tip top shape to perform his… gulp … duties”

 

Ted looked from Brian to Blake and back again and nodded his head in resignation. “I understand Brian. I’ll go home and recuperate. But as soon as the body cast comes off, I’ll come straight back”

 

“You do that, Theodore. Bye Bye” Brian replied, and quickly shut and locked the door once more.

 

Looking at an amused Cynthia and an enraged Justin, he announced “You know? I think I underestimated the crystal counsellor. He’s an evil genius”. And with that declaration, Brian grabbed the keys for Britin in one hand and grabbed Justin with the other, before heading for the door.

 

“Now that I’ve had my romantic rendezvous with Ted, let’s get the fuck out of here before some else shows up”