This is a continuation of "Hi, My Name is Brian and I'm an Alcoholic."  This story is a continuation of that story and you need to read the other story first.  It starts 3 weeks after the other story ends and tells the story of Brian and Justin.

3 Weeks Later

Mondays were always a little hectic at Kinnetic, the staff digging into the projects that weren't quite finished on Friday, and today was no different.  The final stages of the spring campaign for Brown's new women's athletic line were due by Wednesday.  Brian was double-checking the storyboards, the font, the colors, and the photos down to the jewelry the models were wearing.  He'd learned early on in his career that you never knew what the public would hone in on.  Some people looked for diversity in the ads, while other people looked at the apparent location of the shoot.  He'd heard from quite a number of focus groups that the location either deterred or added to the advertisement.  He had to balance between eye-popping locations that caught the attention of the audience and too over-the-top ones that made it appear that the company was selling something other than its intended product.  Of course, Brian knew that every advertisement was actually selling a message that if you buy this product, your life will look like this ad. In addition to the Brown campaign, there were Kinnetic's other customers that needed attention.  Sometimes Brian felt like a parent with hundreds of children all wanting his undivided attention, but somehow he had learned to delegate most of the responsibilities to his account execs, while he still personally handled a few of the accounts that the agency started with.  Brown Athletics, Remson Pharmaceuticals and Eyeconic Eyewear were a few that he personally handled.  While all of the companies were important for Kinnetic's bottom line, these three had a personal connection to him, and he wanted to continue being their primary contact. 

Ted came into Brian's office as he was reviewing one of the storyboards. 

"You seem pretty calm today.  Normally, Mondays are a madhouse and everyone is running around trying to ensure that the final meetings are set to go.  Isn't Brown coming in for their final approval this week?"

Brian stepped away from the storyboards that were lined up on easels in his office and turned toward Ted.  "I've been practicing relaxation techniques and really working on my mindset.  Cleo has been encouraging me to recognize the things that I cannot change to help with my triggers."

Ted nodded in understanding.  "I take it that deadlines are a trigger for you?" 

"Not really deadlines, but the whole idea that everything has to be perfect.  He's been talking with me about my need for perfection and the notion of control.  There are some things I can control and if something is within my power to control, it is okay to want it perfect.  However, there is a lot in this world that I cannot control, and I'm working on identifying those things and learning not to be upset when those things go wrong,"  Brian pointed to a storyboard.   "See there is a little imperfection in the board, right here."  Brian pointed to a slightly raised area. "Before Cleo, I would have ranted at the art department, the printing department, and anyone who walked in the room but today I'm not doing that.  I'll finish looking at all the boards, take the ones down that I think need adjustments, and ask that they get reprinted. I realize that the art department and printing department isn't responsible for a bubble in a board."

"Wow.  I'm impressed.  Cleo sounds pretty amazing.  I guess finding a new sponsor hasn't been all bad,"  Ted said as he looked at Brian, calm and confident.  He'd always thought Brian was confident, but calm would not have been an adjective he would have used to describe his boss and friend. 

"Cleo has taught me a lot.  He's different from Justin.  It's a different kind of relationship."  Brian said, watching Ted raise his eyebrows at the term.  Brian smiled and shook his head.  "Justin was a great sponsor, attended every meeting with me, and only wanted to help me.  At that point in my life, I had never had anyone close to me that did things for me just because they wanted to."

Ted tried to keep his face neutral but failed and Brian saw his expression.

"Damn.  I may be calm, but my word-finding skills suck this morning," Brian said, tongue in cheek. "Let's try this again.  You've been a great friend throughout my journey, but you typically don't ask things of me unless they are work-related. I was so used to Michael, Debbie, and of course, the ‘munchers' assuming that I would always fix things and wanting something from me.  It was like their friendship was dependent on what I could bring to the table, rather than being mutually beneficial.  It was like they were my friends because I had money or I hung out with them. Justin just wanted to be my friend and had no preconceived expectations.  Until recently, our friendship and my friendship with Emmett were pretty superficial. We hung out together but reaching out to either of you for anything would never have occurred to me. Thankfully, both of you have shown me that true friendship is not a quid pro quo. Does that make sense?"

"Sure, Brian.  Until you got sober you never experienced friends who just do things for you because they like you.  When Justin offered to be your sponsor, you were amazed that someone would offer their time to help you without expecting anything in return,"  Ted said, summarizing the idea of friendship. "It makes sense that you developed feelings for Justin.  He showed you that friendship can be an option with two people."

"Justin is great.  We enjoy spending time together and Gus really likes him. He's been good for me,"  Brian said as he remembered their time together over the weekends.

"So, you're still pursuing something more with Justin?"

"Yeah.  Justin loves to spout PSAs at me.  He said the other day that the best relationships start out as friends.  So right now, we've taken the sponsor thing off the table and are concentrating on the friendship, seeing where that might go," Brian said, explaining the dynamics of the situation. 

Ted was happy for Brian, albeit concerned that he does not dive into anything too early in his sobriety.  He chose not to push the situation and then remembered the papers in his hand.  "Oh, I forgot," he said, waving the papers he was holding.  " I brought the new contracts for Brown for you to review."

"Put them on my desk.  And Ted, thanks for being my friend," Brian said and turned back to the easels where the storyboards were perched, thus ending their discussion.

On Monday nights Brian attended the meeting where he met Cleo, strengthening their connection.  After the meeting, the two of them went for coffee, sitting at their normal table. 

"I'm pleased you have continued to attend the 27 meeting instead of returning to your previous Monday meeting,"  Cleo said, referring to the AA meeting by its designated room number.  Many meetings had names that reflected their location rather than labeling them as AA meetings, stressing the anonymity of the group.  He waved the waitress over and asked for a pot of coffee.

"I thought it would be good to attend the same meeting as you.  I told you that my old sponsor and I attended all the same meetings. Since you only attend one meeting a week, I thought it was important for us to share that experience," Brian said, grabbing for the menu. 

"It is your recovery and whatever works for you is good.  If we attend the same meeting, we would be seeing each other once a week and I feel that is critical.  Talking is good, but I really feel that a sponsor gets a lot of information from body language, not just what you tell me.  For all I know you could be enjoying a drink as we talk on the phone each night," Cleo said, giving an example, but not really suspecting that Brian was guilty of doing that.

"That's a lot of effort to hide the fact that I'm drinking," Brian said.  "Does that really happen?"

"Sure it happens. Alcoholics lie all the time, you'll find all the lies are rooted in their drinking.  They lie to themselves about their drinking:  how much they drink, when they drink, who they are with when they drink, pretty much everything surrounding drinking.  While there are no AA monitors, there are people who come to meetings when they are drunk.  No one passes judgment on them as no one knows if they have reached rock bottom and have come when they finally decide to change or they just haven't accepted that they are an alcoholic and are testing the waters.  Of course, coming to a meeting when you're drunk isn't very helpful,"  Cleo said as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"I hadn't thought about that, but I guess it does make sense.  Does the leader talk to them afterward?  I mean how is it handled?"

"That depends on how drunk they are.  The biggest thing is not to let the person hurt themselves or others.  I've seen the leader call for a Lyft or Uber to ensure they don't drive home.  Preventative actions.  It can get real sticky there."

They sat in companionable silence as Brian thought about that.  He briefly wondered if it would have been better if Michael had done that rather than taking the responsibility himself. 

"It's been a few weeks since we met.  Am I meeting your expectations?"  Cleo asked, but put up his finger in front of his lips before Brian could answer.  "You won't hurt my feelings either way.  Sponsorship is not about me, but about helping you."

"I didn't think I would like the journaling, but I have really found it helpful.  I think this is working for me.  I did a lot of thinking over the last six months, but writing down my thoughts can really help me see patterns. I'm not sure if we would have worked when I started my journey, but it's good now,"  Brian said, turning back to the menu.  "I haven't eaten dinner.  Mind if I order?"

"No, go ahead.  I might splurge and order some dessert.  They have the best pie here,' Cleo said as he grabbed a menu as well. 

The waitress came and took their order. 

"You mentioned your journal and seeing patterns.  I know it's a little early to see patterns, but why don't you share with me some of the things you've been exploring," Cleo asked as he put the menu back in the holder.

"I told you a little about my former sponsor and how we've developed feelings for each other.  He insisted that I find a new sponsor and once I did we talked.   We're friends and we are going to see if it might lead to something else.  I've been writing a lot about that possibility.  Honestly, I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to look like.  I didn't exactly have any role models growing up,"  Brian said, finding himself wanting to share his thoughts with Cleo.

"You spoke a few times in group about growing up in an abusive home and that is what drew me to approach you.  Not only did I grow up with two alcoholic parents, but also an abusive father.  I don't talk about it very much, but I thought if I ever did share that information, you would understand."  Brian took a few sugars and some creamer and fixed his coffee, then took a sip.  "Much better than the group."

"You had role models, not just good ones.  Are you afraid that you will screw up a relationship because you've never seen a good one?" Cleo asked, choosing to ignore the comments about his childhood abuse. 

"Yeah.  I know you don't have to have good role models to be successful.  I didn't want to be a father because I thought I'd screw it up, but I love Gus and I've been told that I'm a great father. But I only see him on weekends and a few weeks of summer break.  A relationship is different."

"I'm not going to lecture you, Brian.  I think you know that you've got a lot of changes in your life right now and adding a relationship is a big change as well.  That is why AA doesn't encourage relationships in early recovery."

"But who's to say what stage I'm in?  I mean Justin always says there is no syllabus and you don't get a check box saying I've completed this step," Brian said, a little defensively. 

"You're right.  There is no syllabus.  No one is going to kick you out of AA because you started a relationship.  But the key here is that new relationships give you a high on their own.  It's important not to substitute addiction for a new high, your relationship,"  Cleo said as he smiled at the waitress who brought their food.

 Brian thought about that statement for a few moments.  "No one has ever put it in those terms. You think I'm making a mistake?"

"What do you think?  You are the one who matters.  My opinion is just that, an opinion." Cleo picked up his fork to take a small bite of the pecan pie he's ordered.

"I want to go for it.  Since I really don't have any basis to judge whether I'm replacing one addiction for another.  I just know that I like Justin and want him in my life. We agreed we weren't going to jump into bed and limit stuff to kissing.  That is a big change for me.  Prior to sobriety, my sexual conquests were infamous.  I definitely lived up to my moniker of "Stud of Liberty Avenue" Not that I was like a horse stud, hired out to sire children, but more like I had sex a lot,"  Brian said, not apologizing for his previous behavior.  He picked up his fork to take a bite of his chicken, stealing himself for the taste that was bound to not be as good as the dishes that he and Justin had been preparing.  He allowed himself to think about the irony in his thoughts.  The idea of a home-cooked meal was as far away from his norm as dating, but now both were something he was doing. 

"So, you were addicted to sex and alcohol?"  Cleo asked, attempting to clarify Brian's statement and getting to know him better.

"From all the discussions I participated in AA meetings, I would say, yes.  But I haven't done either of those activities in over six months.  And I told Justin I wasn't ready to hop into bed with him.  I think Liberty Avenue would be speechless if they knew that the "Stud of Liberty Avenue" hadn't had sex with anything but my right hand in over six months."  Brian didn't expect Cleo to balk at his sexual exploits, and it appeared from the lack of expression on his face, Brian was correct.

"Have you thought about what dating might look like, especially in lieu of your past?"  Cleo took another bite of his pie and drank some coffee.  "This pie is excellent.  I'm glad I splurged."

Brian was surprised at the question.  "Not really.  I kind of thought we would just see where it leads.  Why?  Should I have thought about it?" 

"Maybe.  Having preconceived notions about dating a person can lead to a lot of problems if the reality doesn't match your expectations.  Disappointment can lead to drinking and I wanted to check in with you regarding your expectations.  Not having any is probably a good thing, but if you don't have some ideas of what you want, it can also cause problems." Cleo finished his cup of coffee and poured himself another one.

"So it's a double-edged sword.  I should have some idea of what I want so I will have some benchmarks to determine if it is working out.  But on the other hand, if I don't have any expectations I might be disappointed that things are not what I wanted,"  Brian said, making sure he understood Cleo's statements.

 "Right. Taking it slow is good.  But you should have a plan on handling the ups and downs in a relationship.  No matter how much you like the person, there is always going to be conflict."

"You're telling me to plan for problems.  Isn't that a little like sabotage?"  Brian asked, not having thought that far. He took another bite of his chicken and thought that the chicken that he and Justin had prepared was definitely better than what was on his plate. 

"Not really, it's reality.  Life is not smooth.  We all have bumps in the road; whether it be the little stressors of life like a flat tire or the alarm not going off in the morning to major issues like a health crisis or a lost job.  Planning how you are going to handle adversity is a big part of maintaining your sobriety.  Just like you have to know your triggers, you have to know your coping strategies."

"I guess that makes sense. I just think it seems a little defeatist to think that there will always be something that goes wrong,"  Brian said as he finished his chicken.  He thought about the discussion and realized there was merit in what Cleo said and he would most likely be journaling about it in the next few days.

"I think that these meetings are going to work well.  Like you said, we don't have to meet every day, but an extended meeting seems to be very helpful.  We'll talk tomorrow night."  Brian signaled the waitress for their bill. 

"Sounds good, Brian, but don't hesitate to call if you need something before tomorrow night.  As I said, life is not smooth and hiccups occur.  They don't occur on our timeline- at night on Mondays between 7:00 and 8:00,"  Cleo smiled, as he looked at Brian.  "I hope this thing with Justin goes smoothly, at least for a while."  He brought out his wallet, paid for his portion of the bill, and left a tip. 

They left the diner and went their separate ways. 

It was about 10:00 when Brian got home and he found that he was tired so went to bed.

Justin and Brian attended their AA meeting on Tuesday, the first time they had spoken since Sunday night.  When they met, they gave each other a hug and then joined the meeting, paying attention to the leader and each man applying the concepts to his own life.  Afterward, they returned to Justin's apartment.

Justin put on a pot of coffee and said, "How was your meeting with Cleo?"

"Good.  He was the second person yesterday that talked to me about relationships.  It was very enlightening,"  Brian said, seeing if Justin would ask him more.  He understood the sanctity of the sponsorship relationship and had told Brian it was up to him to discuss the discussions that he had with Cleo.  He was no longer Brian's sponsor and he did not want to intrude on that relationship.

"Oh.  Care to elaborate?"  Justin asked as he reached for the quinoa on the shelf.  "I thought we'd make that Indian dish that you like so much.  Actually, I forgot to take out the chicken to defrost so we have to make whatever is in my pantry.

Brian laughed.  "You know, we could go to my place sometimes after a meeting. I do know how to go to a grocery store and Emmett has outfitted my kitchen with probably every kitchen gadget known to man."  Brian walked to the pantry and got out the garbanzo beans and the necessary spices, having memorized the ingredients since they were making this dish at least once every few weeks.

"I hadn't thought about it.  We only started cooking together when Emmett started watching Gus on Saturday nights. I guess we could go to the store and pick up stuff for the week or we could alternate weeks and pick up the stuff on our week,"  Justin said as he was trying to talk through the logistics of shopping.

"We're not planning an ad campaign.  We're just buying food.  I really don't care, just let me know if you want me to go shopping.  Gus and I shop every Friday when I pick him up from school and I can easily add whatever we want to make for the week."

"I guess that makes sense to go shopping on Fridays with Gus.  You know how you have knowledge in one part of your brain and something else in another part and you remember both pieces but don't put the two of them together?"  Justin looked at Brian for confirmation of his idea as he got out the saucepan.  He measured the quinoa and rinsed it. 

"I hadn't thought about it, but sure, we all do that.  I guess we can make a list on Thursday,"  Brian said, wondering if Ted and Blake had similar discussions about groceries and cooking.  He'd never thought about it since he usually ordered in but acknowledged it was something that most likely everybody discussed.

"Before we got off on a tangent about grocery shopping, you mentioned relationships.  Care to share?  No, is perfectly acceptable.  I don't want to pry."  The coffee was ready and he placed two mugs on the counter with creamer and sugar.  Each man prepared their mug to their liking and placed the mugs away from their prep surface, waiting for them to cool.

"Ted mentioned yesterday that I was especially calm for a Monday, two days out of a big presentation for a major client.  We got to talking about Cleo and how he has been working on my mindset about the things I can and cannot change. And then that conversation flowed into us.  We talked about how a big part of your appeal was that you weren't my friend because you wanted something from me,"  Brian explained as he opened the garbanzo beans and drained the water from the can.

Justin poured the water into the saucepan and placed the rinsed quinoa in it.  He turned on the burner on medium heat and said, "It'll be at least 20 minutes before the quinoa is ready.  Why don't we sit in the living room? We manage to cook together in here but it can get a little tight."

Brian and Justin picked up their mugs and sat in the living room.  Brian took a few sips from his coffee before saying, "Cleo and I also talked about relationships."

"Brian, you know you don't have to talk about anything with me that you're uncomfortable with.  Your conversations with Cleo are about your recovery and while I'm your friend and I understand your struggles, we agreed that you needed a safe place to talk about your addiction.  Talking with me is fine, but I don't want you to hold back your feelings and thoughts because you think I'll not like them.  That is why I insisted you get a different sponsor,"  Justin said, hoping to ease any qualms Brian might have about disclosing the contents of their discussion.  He sat on the edge of the couch opposite Brian, facing his body towards him. 

"I know.  I don't feel compelled to share our discussions with you and usually, I don't.  I guess that I mentioned this because I think it is important for us,"  Brian said, hoping he would be able to explain Cleo's points without making a mess of the explanation.

"He asked if I had any expectations about our relationship.  He explained that there were pros and cons to the answer. If I didn't have any clear expectations then I couldn't know if the relationship was what I wanted; however, he said that if I had too high of expectations or just expectations that weren't met then I might be tempted to drink.  He wanted assurance that I had a plan for when things didn't go well.  He said that every relationship has its ups and downs and that I needed to be prepared."  Brian took a deep breath, waiting for Justin to comment on his little expose.

"Let me see if I understand you.  Cleo wants you to think about what you expect from us and then also a plan to handle the stress or disappointment or whatever when we have problems.  Is that right?"  Justin said, trying to summarize the ideas in very concrete terms.

Brian nodded.  "I've been thinking about his question off and on all day and my brain kept coming back to ‘I need to talk to Justin'.  So here I am, talking to Justin."

"Wow,"  Justin opened his mouth and stretched his neck in a way that showed surprise.   "I wasn't expecting that.  What did you come up with?  I mean besides that you needed to talk to me,"

"I didn't really come up with much.  As I've said before, I have zero experience in dating or relationships.  I'm not really sure where to start."  Brian looked at Justin, hoping he would have more of an idea where to start the conversation.

"I'll start then.  I look at what my parent's relationship is like and know that I don't want that. My Dad had conditions on love.  If you didn't follow his rules, then he took away his approval and affection.  To me, that is not a relationship,'  Justin said, the pain of his father's rejection always fresh in his mind.  Usually, he didn't think about it, but today, he felt he needed to add it to the discussion. 

"Okay, but is sobriety a condition of our relationship?  We started the relationship based on that issue. Would you still want to be in a relationship with me if I wasn't sober? What if I just relapsed for a few weeks and then got back to AA and the sobriety journey.  How would you feel?"  Brian asked, needing to know if Justin had thought of that possibility and what that would look like if he failed or Justin failed. 

Justin heard the timer go off in the kitchen.  "We need to continue the prep for dinner, but we can talk while we work.  We've made the recipe enough times that we should be good."

‘Let's not talk while we cook.  Well, let's just talk about the cooking, not about relationships.  One thing Cleo has taught me is that I need to be 100% present when I have a conversation,"  Brian said, disagreeing with Justin.  It didn't occur that this was probably the first time that he had not gone along with whatever Justin had suggested.

"Fair enough.  Cleo has sage advice.  Why don't you cut up the spinach while I open the can of tomatoes and measure the spices?"  Justin suggested.  He reached into the drawer for the measuring spoon set and started measuring the ingredients while Brian cut the spinach.  When they were done, they mixed the ingredients according to the directions and combined them with the quinoa and beans.  Justin simmered the mixture for about 5 minutes, allowing all the ingredients to mix together, and then the meal was ready.  Brian reached for several bowls and Justin parceled out two portions, leaving the remainder in the skillet in case they wanted seconds. They grabbed forks and sat at Justin's dining room table.  Brian went to the living room and brought their coffee mugs to the table.

"Okay, where were we?"  Justin asked as he took a bite of their Indian dish.

"I was asking you what you would do if I started drinking again.  You know, would you stop being my friend or whatever this is if I started drinking,"  Brian asked as he moved his hand back and forth between them.

"That one is easy and the answer is no.  I wouldn't stop being your friend, at least not at first.  I know that people sometimes lapse and that would not be a deal-breaker but I would continually support you in trying to get you back into recovery.  I can't give you a timeline that I would say, no, I can't be your friend anymore, but I'm sure that eventually, I would have to back away.  I'll always be your friend, but I don't know if I could be in a long-term relationship with you if you were actively drinking.  I can't give you a number like 3 months or 6 months, but I can honestly say that I don't think I could sustain a long-term commitment if you weren't in recovery."  Justin answered the question, not really surprised by his own response, but found it interesting that Brian had contemplated it.

"What about me?  If I started drinking again, what would be your thoughts?" Justin asked, needing to know how Brian thought about this area, even though up until today he hadn't thought about it.

"I think my answer is the same as yours.  I wouldn't break all ties the minute you took a drink and I would do everything in my power to get you back in recovery, but eventually, and I couldn't give you an exact number, I would have to break those ties if you continued down that road,"  Brian answered.  He couldn't imagine that Justin would ever go back to drinking but knew that this was always a possibility.

"Okay, so sobriety is a big condition of our relationship.  Anything else?" Justin asked.

"You have to treat Gus well.  He tells me all the time about his various friends whose parents find new partners but the new partner treats the kid like shit.  Gus is important and he would come first if I had to choose." Brian was very adamant about Gus' place in his life.  He'd fought too long and missed too much to not include him.

"Of course.  I love being with you and Gus.  I couldn't imagine you without him.  Anything else.  I mean do you have thoughts about the actual relationship itself, not drinking or the inclusion of Gus?"  Justin asked, having some specific areas in mind but not wanting to broach them unless Brian did.

"You have something in mind, I recognize that look.  Care to share?"  Brian teased Justin, feeling that he recognized the look on Justin's face that said he had something to add to the conversation but was waiting for the right time. 

"We're not anywhere near the other issues that we might need to talk about.  Things like dating others, sleeping over, sex.  I'm not sure we really need or should talk about those until we are ready to move forward.  I mean we're just trying to figure out us and I think it is a little premature to talk about the physical stuff or whether we should be exclusive.  I don't know about you, but I barely have time to work, attend meetings, and meet you for dinner on a regular basis.  I can't imagine dating someone else,"

"Honestly, Justin, I can't twist my mind around dating, much less any of the other things you mentioned.  Maybe as we move forward and see where this leads, we should revisit the conversation,"  Brian said as he took another bite of his dinner.

"That sounds like a great idea.  Thanks for sharing with me, Brian.  But remember, I don't expect you to discuss every conversation you have with Cleo with me,"  Justin said as he finished the last of his dinner.  "I'm stuffed.  Do you want more?  If not, I'll put it away and we can eat it later this week.'

"No, I'm good.  I better head out anyway. I've got a big presentation tomorrow and I need to be in top form."  Brian took his bowl to the kitchen and placed it in the dishwasher.  He grabbed a cloth and started wiping down the counters while Justin washed the saucepan and the skillet.  He tossed the cans in the recycling bin after he rinsed them out.  He returned the spices to the cabinet. 

"I'll pick up some salmon steaks tomorrow.  I have to go to the market. We can eat the leftovers on Thursday.  Then you and Gus can go to the store on Friday and we'll cook at your place next week,"  Justin told Brian as he walked him to the door. 

Brian stood face to face with Justin and guided Justin's neck toward him, positioning his mouth in front of his.  He opened his mouth, lightly licking Justin's lips, asking for entrance into the warm mouth.  Justin eagerly opened his mouth and the two of them shared an intimate kiss.  Brian wrapped his arms around Justin, pulling their bodies close, feeling his erection press against his body.  Ignoring the erection, he enjoyed the intimacy of their kiss, thinking that one day, he would acknowledge Justin's arousal as well as his own.  Today, he was satisfied with their intimate kiss.  They kissed for well over 3 minutes, but then Brian pulled away. 

"I hate to break up this little party, but I really must get home. While I told Cleo and Ted that I have a much better handle on stress these days, I still know tomorrow will bring a lot of stress.  See you tomorrow,'  Brian said and turned toward the door.  Justin let him out and closed the door.

As Brian drove home, his phone rang and the caller ID noted it was Lindsay. 

"Linds.  Everything okay?  Is Gus okay?"  Brian quickly asked, noting the late hour.

"Gus is fine.  He told us that you signed him up for a summer art program. Why didn't you ask us before you signed him up?  We could have had plans for him and he couldn't be in two places at once.  Lots of those programs are non-refundable.   Are you planning on paying for it as we surely can't?  I'm familiar with the program and it is really expensive.   How is he supposed to get there and who is going to pick him up at noon?  And even if we could figure out how to pick him up, what is he supposed to do with the rest of the afternoon?"

Brian was silent as she threw question after question at him.

"Brian.  Brian. Are you there?  Answer me." Lindsay demanded.

Brian pulled into his garage and said, "I've got it covered,"   and hung up. 

Lindsay didn't like that answer and immediately called back, but he did not pick up. 

He thought, ‘and so it begins'.

TBC

Lindsay stared down at the phone in her hand and fumed.  How dare Brian hang up on her and then not answer when she called back.

Melanie walked into the bedroom, sitting next to Lindsay as she looked at her phone.  "Well, what did he say?  I bet he hadn't even thought of how Gus was going to get to and from this program nor what he would do after it ended.  Typical Brian."

"He said, ‘I've got it covered' and hung up on me.  I tried calling back but he didn't answer and the call just went to voicemail.  I don't know what to think.  I know he's not going to stop in the middle of the day to pick up Gus and then what is Gus supposed to do all afternoon.  I mean, he's always attended the summer camp program at the GLC that has before and aftercare.  It doesn't even open for enrollment for another three weeks, but the slots fill up quickly.  If Brian ....."  Lindsay didn't finish her statement, assuming Melanie would understand.  She added, "We may be left with no place to send Gus."

"I don't know what games Kinney is playing, but if he won't answer your calls tomorrow, you should show up at his place and demand some answers.  He has gotten way too cocky since this whole sobriety thing,"  Mel said, choosing not to accept that Brian had actually changed and maybe he had really thought of the issues.  "I don't want Gus upset because Brian didn't think this through."

"You're right.  I'll call him tomorrow at work.  I'm sure he will talk to me,"  Lindsay said, smiling at the thought that maybe she could finagle a nice lunch out of him, inviting him to meet and talk about Gus. "Let's go to bed.  It's been a long day." Lindsay caressed Melanie's face and leaned over to give her a soft kiss on the lips. 

Melanie smiled, temporarily forgetting Brian, and leaned into the kiss.  "Sounds like a plan."

**********************************************

When Brian got home, he changed out of his work clothes and put on some worn denim jeans.  He'd been expecting Lindsay's call and was pleased that his forethought had provided him with the opportunity to think about his response.  He was being proactive instead of reactive and liked the feeling of being in control. He hadn't gotten angry, cursed, or headed for the closest liquor store to buy a bottle of Beam to drown out his anger or frustration with the situation.  Instead, he had calmly told Lindsay that he had it covered and ignored all her thinly veiled attempts at questioning his actions.  He was proud of how he handled everything about the situation and decided to write down his thoughts about the incident. He went to the shelf, grabbed his journal, got out the special pen he'd bought for writing, and sat at his desk to write another entry.

I knew there would be fallout when I signed Gus up for the summer art program, but I decided he deserved to have this opportunity.  While I saw him every few weeks, I didn't spend a lot of time with him before I became sober.  I'm not fooling myself when I say that I'm not making up for lost time, but I do know that I got sober because of him and now I want to make sure that he has an amazing childhood.  A little finagling on my part, picking him up in the middle of the afternoon, or some other arrangement is definitely something I'm willing to do to make sure he has an opportunity to explore his art. The only thing I did as a kid was play soccer.  I became a soccer player because I wanted something that would keep me out of the house as much as possible.  I found I was really good at it, probably because it was a way for me to literally kick the shit out of something without consequences.  Anyway, when I heard the presentation about the program, I knew Gus would really like it and I signed him up.

Lindsay's problem is not the summer program.  Lindsay is making a bigger deal about the logistics of the whole damn thing.  Again, it's as if she doesn't give me any credit for thinking beyond the actual experience.  I'm sure she thought that if she brought up all the things like cost, getting him to and from the program, and what he would do when he was finished with the program for the day, I'd cave and tell her I hadn't thought of those things and back off, showing her that I wasn't a responsible parent and that I was just showing off to Gus by signing him up for expensive activities.  This wouldn't be the first time she accused me of trying to buy his affection.

But I had thought of all those things and while I didn't have a firm solution in place, I knew that they wouldn't be deal-breakers.  Gus wanted to go and since I thought the program was worthy, I would see to it that he got the opportunity.  I think she still thinks that all the stuff I do for Gus is trying to win his affection and making up for all those years when I wasn't around a lot.  But I know that I can't make up for lost time.  I can only move forward and make great memories and give him opportunities to grow. It's almost like she doesn't want him to do stuff that I suggest so that she can convince herself that she's the better parent.  This is not a pissing contest.  Gus has two mothers and me.  I refuse to be the bank of Brian without reaping the rewards of seeing Gus enjoy the experiences my money can provide.  And it is not about giving him experiences and winning any popularity contest.  It's about giving him opportunities. 

Her little tirade tonight is not over.  Just because I didn't answer her does not mean she will give up.  I'm sure I'll hear from her again. Maybe one day she'll realize that Gus means a lot to me and I'll do anything in my power to give him an amazing childhood.  Regardless of how this all pans out, I'm proud of myself for not getting angry and heading toward the first bottle of liquor I could find and hide in the bottle, drowning my thoughts and feelings in the bottle.  I thought about the consequences, anticipated her inevitable phone call, and had practiced my response.  Cleo had the right idea.  Knowing what you are going to do when a trigger presents itself can help you control your actions.  I'll share this with him tonight when we talk.  Go, Cleo!!!

When he was finished with the entry on Gus and the summer art program, he went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water.  He didn't want to make coffee and didn't really want to wait for it to brew.  He untwisted the cap and drank about half the bottle in one gulp, not realizing how thirsty he was.  He returned to the living room and picked up his journal, reading the few paragraphs he'd written. He drew a deep breath and let it out, feeling the relaxation of his body.  He wasn't really tense but liked the feeling of calm from the deep breaths.  This was another technique that Cleo had suggested.  He picked up the pen that he'd laid on the desk and continued writing.  

It's been three weeks since Justin kissed me.  That sounds so weird that I'm keeping track of a simple thing like a kiss but I guess I am a little lesbionic in my actions.  I never thought about having someone important in my life, like a partner or significant other, but I think Justin could be this person for me. 

Tonight we talked a little about our relationship and some of our expectations.  I asked him how he would handle this thing between us if I started drinking again and he asked me the same question.  I have so many thoughts about this discussion.  The first is that I even contemplated the idea of drinking again.  These last six months have been transformational and my life is so much fuller than it was when I was drinking.  I can't imagine drinking again and going back to the drunk that I was before.  I would lose too much that I can't even comprehend why I chose to drink as much and as often as I did.  What scares me is that I had that thought.  When I think about it, I have come to realize that the urge to drink will always be in the back of my psyche.  I will always have to choose not to take the first drink.  That is a lot to accept that I cannot ever go back to those habits.  Realizing that a part of my life was so destructive and that I contributed to the destruction is also hard to incorporate into my mind.  Accepting that I was choosing to harm myself repeatedly day in and day out has been eye-opening. Jack and Joan really did a number on my mind.  But that is a thought for another day.

It gives me hope that even if I make a mistake, he will be there to help me back on my journey.  The fact that there is someone in my life that has stated out loud that he will be there if I fall and will support me, even if I have trouble getting back to my journey, means the world to me.  I've never had anyone tell me that they are going to be there even in times when I screw up.  Sure, Ted and Emmett have shown that they support me in this journey, but it's different with Justin.  I guess it's because I'm looking at Justin as more than a friend. 

Which brings me back to my first thought.  He kissed me and I returned that kiss, well a few days later, but I returned the kiss willingly, and with intention.  Sure, I kiss Mikey, but it's different.  Well, I did before he and I had a falling out.  I wonder if that rift will ever repair itself?  Even if he comes around, I don't know if I can ever trust that he has my best interests in hand.  Oh well, Ted and Emmett's friendship have proven to be such a boon to my life and I sometimes wonder about my friendship with Mikey.

Anyway, we now kiss every time we leave each other's company.  These are not short pecks on the mouth like I gave to Michael.  These are open-mouthed, full tongue exploring his mouth, inhaling his scent, and caressing his body kisses.  They are exhilarating and I look forward to them a lot.  While Justin has me talking more than I ever did before sobriety, I feel that our kisses have a language of their own.

Our discussion tonight about supporting each other if we started drinking was the first time we really broached that subject but I was perfectly comfortable with discussing it. I guess this is what it's like to have someone in your life that you can talk to about anything without fear of reprisal.  I think I heard the term unconditional regard mentioned in one of our group meetings and I now understand what that term really means. We give each other unconditional respect and acceptance regardless of our actions.  That is a pretty freeing feeling. 

I need to head to bed.  I've got that big presentation tomorrow.  But I think Cleo has the right idea.  Writing down my thoughts really gives me some clarity regarding where my head is and helps me focus.  I'm glad I found him.

Brian closed the journal, put it on the shelf, and put the pen back in the drawer.  He walked over to the kitchen island, glanced through his mail, assuring himself that there was nothing that he had to take care of, and got ready for bed.

In the morning Brian arrived at work a little early, giving himself time to review the presentation one last time.  He knew that it was in excellent shape, but he always liked to look at upcoming presentations with fresh eyes before the actual meeting.  The meeting went off without incident and the contract was approved for the new campaign.

He had a conference call with a prospective client at 2:00 and he reviewed those notes after his meeting in the morning.  He placed the materials on his desk and called the Maverick, a small boutique hotel that was looking to enhance its presence.  He had been on the call for five minutes when he heard a commotion outside his door and then the door opened, Lindsay barging into his office. 

He said, "Excuse me. Can you hold for a few minutes?" Brian said, worried that Lindsay's unexpected presence meant there was something wrong with Gus.

"Yes, I can hold,"  The manager said, accepting Brian's request. 

He turned toward Lindsay, his heart beating quickly and he could feel the fear build in his body.  "Is there a problem with Gus?" he asked, worry evident in his voice.  He needed to assure himself that there was nothing wrong.

"No, he's fine. I've tried calling 5 times this morning and each time, I've been told that you were unavailable.  We need to talk, so I came here. Since you hung up last night..."

Assured that there was nothing wrong with his son, he acted quickly. "Security.  Please escort Ms. Peterson out of my office and place her on the no visitor list," he said as he pushed the button on his intercom.  "Lindsay, this is not the time or place to discuss this issue.  I didn't accept your calls as I have been working.  You know that thing most people do between 9:00 and 5:00 to pay the bills,"  Brian said as he shook his head in exasperation.  "You cannot come barging into my office at any time of your choosing. And if you think for one minute that you and your she-wolf will try to use this as a reason to prevent me from seeing Gus, you will find that won't work."

Brian looked beyond Lindsay as his security officer walked into the room. He pointed toward Lindsay and the guard waved her toward the door. 

She stood firm and said, "Brian, we need to talk and since you ...."

"Lindsay, I repeat,  I'm working and you interrupted me in the middle of a business call.  Hopefully, my prospective client will still be there when you leave.  Now go!"  He stood up and pushed her out of the room.  He closed the door behind her and locked it., going back to the phone call.

"Thank you for waiting.  I apologize.  I had to deal with an urgent matter.  Let's continue,"  Brian said, trying to recompose himself and continue the initial discussion.  Thankfully, the hotel manager was gracious and did not fault Brian for the delay.  At the end of the call, an in-person meeting was scheduled for next week where they could continue their discussion.

When Brian hung up, his heart was still beating quickly, trying to flush out the adrenaline that pumped through it when Lindsay barged into his office.  He couldn't believe that she had the audacity to barge into his office in the middle of the day just because he hung up with her.  He pulled out his bottom drawer where he used to keep his liquor and made a heavy sigh.  He knew it would be empty and he also knew he did not really want a drink, but old habits came to the forefront in times of stress.  He closed the drawer and took three deep breaths, centering himself as Cleo had taught him.  He stood up and moved his arms and legs getting his blood pumping in order to dissipate the adrenaline that he knew was still coursing through his body.  He walked around his office and after five minutes, felt less stressed.

He unlocked the door and walked to Ted's office.  Ensuring that he was not on the phone, Brian knocked gently on the door and Ted waved him in, pointing to the chair in front of his desk. 

"Brian, what can I do for you?  I'm pretty sure that I gave you those numbers you asked for in anticipation of the Maverick call.  Did you not receive them?"  Ted asked, racking his brain as he retraced his steps this morning verifying that he did provide the report to his boss.

"No, I got them.  The call went well and we have another meeting next week to continue the discussion.  It almost didn't go well as I had to stop the call and deal with Lindsay,"  Brian said, not going into detail.

Ted took the bait, and said, "Lindsay?  What does Lindsay have to do with the Maverick hotel?  You lost me there, Brian."

"Last night she called about this summer program I signed Gus up for.  There were lots of questions that she threw at me but I didn't answer them to her satisfaction and I hung up on her.  When she didn't get her answers, she decided to come to Kinnetic to ‘talk'."  He put air quotes around the word.  "Of course, she chose to barge into my office right as I was talking to the Maverick manager.  Luckily, he was gracious enough to hold for a moment while I called security and had her escorted out of the building."

"I see.  I take it there is more to this story,"  Ted asked, recognizing that Brian's willingness to talk about the incident had a much deeper meaning than just an interrupted business call. 

"Yeah.  When she left I pulled out my bottom drawer, the one where I used to keep my emergency stash of Beam.  I knew there wasn't anything there and I really didn't want to drink anything.  I just took a couple of breaths, moved around a little, and the moment passed.  I just wanted to share with you my success."  Brian smiled at Ted, not really sure what he wanted from the man, but wanted to tell him about the incident.

"I'm glad that you are using your strategies when you are stressed."  Ted waited for Brian to say something else.  He had a feeling that there was more to the story than Brian shared.

He knew Brian had dealt successfully with Lindsay and her inappropriate habits of  "dropping in" during work hours. Besides, Brian didn't have a habit of drinking during the day while he was working.  He knew about the bottle in his bottom drawer and only after Brian mentioned it did he wonder if the bottle was still there. He was pleased to know that Brian had gotten rid of it and briefly wondered if he had gotten rid of it after that night when he'd gone to Brian's home to throw out all of his liquor.

Prior to his recovery, Brian usually got out the bottle in celebration rather than in consolation.  He saw Brian as someone who drowned his sorrows away from the office but celebrated his successes in public.  He knew Brian did not need a reason to drink but he didn't see Brian imbibe in the middle of the day.  It was always at the end of the workday, usually after most of the staff had left for the day.    

Brian got up and closed the door, offering them privacy.  He sat down in the chair in front of Ted's desk and asked, "Justin and I talked about what would happen if either of us started drinking.  Have you and Blake ever had that conversation?" 

Ted nodded, seeing the true reason why Brian had visited.  He was not shy or reserved about talking about his recovery but never pushed the information on anyone who didn't ask.  Up to now, Brian had never asked.

"Sure, we discussed it.  Anyone who has ever been in a relationship with someone in recovery needs to have that discussion.  We all hope that our recovery will be smooth, with no slips or almost slips, but realize that slips up can happen.  For a relationship to work, both of you need to be 100% honest with each other.  You can't hide the pink elephant in the room."

"We talked about honesty at one of our recent meetings.  And Cleo and I talked about it too.  He said that alcoholics lie all the time; about their drinking, how much they drink, when they drink, who they drink with, just about everything.  I can't imagine lying to Justin if I were to slip up.  But I was so afraid of his response.  He surprised me and said it wouldn't necessarily be a deal-breaker but that eventually if I didn't return to a sober lifestyle, he would have to cut our ties,"  Brian felt that Ted really understood the need for this type of unconditional support.  He was glad that he was sharing this information with him.

"I'm glad that you two have discussed this issue.  I'd be concerned if you hadn't.  I'm sure that you've had other occasions where you wanted to drink.  What did you do then?"  Ted felt comfortable asking Brian about his drinking and his triggers.  Even though it was during work hours, Brian obviously wanted to talk. 

"I called Justin.  But I didn't want to do that now since he isn't my sponsor,"  Brian said.  He ran his hand through his hair and pinched the bridge of his nose.  "I handled it and didn't feel the need to call Cleo, but I would have called him if I was struggling,"  Brian said, explaining that he did have a plan if his strategies hadn't worked.  "It felt really good to know that I could handle it on my own.  And yes, I know I came in here right afterward, but I was not needing your help to calm down.  I just wanted to share my triumph with you as you would understand."

Ted stood up and walked over to the chair and leaned over to give Brian a brief hug.  "You did good."  He straightened up and returned to his chair.  He laced his fingers together and moved them back and forth a few times. 

"So, what are you going to do about Lindsay?  You know this isn't over just because you had her removed from the building.  In fact, it probably added to your problem."

Brian pulled the corner of his lip into his mouth, worrying the flesh with his teeth for a moment, and let it go.  "I guess I'll call her on my way to the meeting tonight.  That way I control how long the call is and when I call.  I want to do this on my own time, not hers.  She needs to realize that she just can't demand things whenever she chooses."

"Do you know what you're going to tell her?"  Ted asked, trying to encourage Brian to think beyond making the call, but also about the contents of the conversation.

"Sure.  I'll tell her that I have paid for the program and I will see to it that he is picked up in the afternoon and is well taken care of,"  Brian said, sure of his response.

"You know Lindsay is going to push you on that answer.  She is going to question how you are going to stop in the middle of your workday to pick Gus up and she's going to want to know what taken care of means,"  Ted said as he tried to point out some potential problems with Brian's solution.

"Damn.  You're right.  Well, I can tell her that I'll pick him up after I go to a meeting.  But... as for afterward, I'm still working on it. I'll call the school and see if there are any additional programs that he could attend in the afternoon.  If so, he could attend both of them and that would solve a big part of the program."

"That sounds feasible.  But, Brian, I would encourage you to have some solid plans before you call her back,"  Ted said, wanting to support Brian.

"Jeez.  Now, I'm beginning to understand how single parents feel when they try to navigate breaks and summertime.  School is not a babysitter, but at least the child is occupied during a big part of the day."  Brian watched Ted nod and then said, "Well, I better get back to work.  I have to leave on time if I'm going to hit my meeting. Thanks for listening."

"Any time, " Ted said and watched his friend leave his office.

Instead of work, Brian called the school and investigated other programs that he could enroll Gus in for the summer.  He wanted to talk to Gus about the options before enrolling him so he would have to wait until Friday.  He didn't want to call over to Lindsay and Melanie's without a firm response in mind.  He hoped one of the options would be interesting to Gus. 

After the phone call and his talk with Ted, he only had about an hour to get some of his actual work done.  Reluctantly, he placed some files in his briefcase, knowing that he would need to work from home tonight so he wouldn't get behind.  He had hoped to spend some time with Justin after their meeting, but he would have to postpone their dinner.

At 5:30, he shut down his computer and left the office, driving right to the AA meeting.  Justin's car was there and that lifted his mood.  As he walked in, he spotted Justin standing by the coffee table, chatting with another attendee.  Justin smiled when he saw Brian approach.

"How was your day?  I didn't eat lunch and I'm starving.  I was working on this new project and time got away from me.  I can hear those leftovers calling my name,"  Justin said as he walked with Brian toward the small circle of chairs.

"My day was okay until Lindsay decided that she needed to interrupt a conference call with a new client.  Evidently, my hanging up on her last night didn't go over very well,"  Brian said as he sat down, choosing a space where no one was seated yet, giving them an illusion of privacy. 

"Okay.  Why did you hang up on Lindsay?  I feel like I came into the conversation midway through,"  Justin said as he took a sip of his coffee, grimaced at the taste, and then glanced at the clock realizing they only had a few minutes before the meeting would start.

"I signed Gus up for a summer art program and she had all kinds of questions like who was paying for it and how was he going to get picked up in the middle of the afternoon.  I told her I had it covered, but that wasn't good enough for her.  She wanted details and when I didn't give them to her last night, she decided that she would come to Kinnetik to get them.  Never mind that I was in the middle of an important phone call and working.  She barged in and demanded answers.  I had her escorted out of the building and she still doesn't have answers.  I called the school to see if there were some other programs Gus could enroll in so maybe he could be there all day instead of just till noon.  There are some other programs, but I want to talk to him about them before I just go and sign him up.,"  Brian explained as he watched people coming to sit in the circle. 

"Wow.  I can't imagine her thinking it was okay to just barge into your work demanding answers."

"That's Lindsay for you.  Only thinks about things as they relate to her.  No thought of how her actions might impact someone else," Brian said, still angry at her actions, even though he acknowledged that she did have some right to know that the issues were covered.  It made him angry that she didn't trust him to know that Gus would need to be picked up and that the program was expensive. 

Before Justin could answer, the leader, Kayla called everyone to the group.  "We will get started in about 1 minute."

"Hey, I want to hear about it, but we'll have to wait till the meeting is over,"  Justin said. 

Brian nodded, realizing that he wanted to talk about the situation with Justin, but told himself that he wouldn't be able to join him for their after-dinner get-together as he really did need to work tonight and that their talk would have to be at a later time.

The topic today was resentment.  The group read from the big book about resentment and discussed how resentment is frequently a precursor to the first drink.  They talked about the resentment inventory and how this was a great way to write about your inner fears and where you want to go with your life. The leader gave several examples and talked through a few of her own.  At the end of the meeting, she provided each member with some sample documents.

"There are no right or wrong answers here as each person's experience is different.  I would encourage each of you to work on filling out these forms.  You can choose to review them with your sponsor or keep them to yourself, but I would encourage you to complete as much as possible and really be honest with yourself as you fill it out.  This exercise can help you start to look at some of the reasons why you drink and what are some of your triggers." 

Brian looked at the papers in his hand, feeling like he was in school, sent home with homework.  On the top of the sheet was a column that read

I'm resentful at:

Who?  ( People,Places, Things, Institutions, Principles, etc

The cause:

How?  How they hurt or threatened me.

Affects my:

What?  What part of self affected that I reacted to.

Brian took the offered forms and turned toward Justin.  "You know, I could start now and fill this in about Lindsay's visit.  I'm going to show Cleo this at our meeting next week and try to work on it between now and then.  He told me that writing shit down can help me see the bigger picture,"  Brian said as he folded the papers and put them in his coat jacket.  He had draped his light windbreaker over the back of the chair as it was a little cold this evening.

Justin felt a twinge of jealousy that Brian planned on sharing this information with Cleo and not him, but reminded himself that he was no longer Brian's sponsor and things were different now.  He nodded his head and said, "Oh.  Sure.  I thought...."

Brian immediately realized his mistake and quickly said, " Hey.  I didn't mean that I wasn't going to tell you about this afternoon.  It was just a comment that this is a great tool to use in my journal."

"Oh, Okay.  I thought.... Well, it doesn't matter what I thought.  We can talk more over dinner.  I did say I was starving,"  Justin said, gathering his jacket off the back of his chair and putting it on. He didn't want to dwell on his thoughts and feelings regarding Brian's statement but realized he was obviously reacting to them.

Justin's quick backtrack had Brian feeling guilty, and he wanted to reassure Justin that he was still important, but knew he didn't have time to talk.  "Actually, what I didn't get to finish telling you was that as a result of Lindsay's barging into my office and subsequent phone calls to the school, I didn't get all the work done that I needed to.  So, I have to bail on dinner.  You can come over for dinner tomorrow.  I'll even let you cook,"  Brian teased, knowing that Justin was a much better cook than he was and that their cooking together was more of an activity that they enjoyed than just getting dinner on the table.

"You have to eat.  Why don't you come over for a quick bite, the food is already cooked?  This way we can finish our conversation, you get dinner, and then you can go home.  I promise not to keep you,'  Justin said, feeling like he really wanted to finish his conversation with Brian, and this way he would still get to spend a little time with him.

Brian was torn.  "I do have to eat..... But, I'll have to leave right afterward,"  Brian said, agreeing to the quick dinner.  He was excited that Justin wanted to eat dinner with him, even if it would be a short visit. 

"Okay, let's go.  I'll meet you at my apartment,"  Justin said as they walked out to their respective cars.  Justin was pleased that Brian had so quickly relented on his decision to not share dinner together.  Justin wanted to assure Brian that he was interested in his life and that he was there as support even if he wasn't his sponsor.

When they arrived at Justin's place, he let them in, Brian placed his windbreaker over the couch, and both men went into the kitchen.  Brian assisted Justin by getting down the plates and glasses and setting the table while Justin took the leftovers out of the fridge and put the containers in the microwave to be reheated.

They filled their plates and took them to the table.  Justin took a bite of his chicken, savoring the taste while he assuaged his hunger.  "So, I know you don't have a lot of time, but finish telling me about today,"  Justin asked.

Brian finished the bite of chicken he had eaten and then said, "Well, after Lindsey left the office with security and I locked the door, I was really pissed and pulled out my drawer where I used to keep my bottle of Beam."  Brian saw the deer in the headlights look on Justin's face and quickly added, "The drawer's been empty for months and I knew it was empty, it was sort of a habit, but not really.  I never drank at work during work hours unless we were celebrating the close of a big campaign and usually that was at the end of the day.  I never opened the bottle during work hours, that would have been poor decision making on my part on so many levels,"  Brian explained and then took a drink of his water before continuing.

"So, I knew the drawer was empty and I wasn't really wanting a drink, but it kind of scared me that I opened the drawer.  Anyway, I took a few deep breaths and did some relaxation exercises that Cleo and I had talked about and I calmed down really quickly."

Brian looked at Justin when he mentioned Cleo's name, but didn't see any malice or regret in his eyes.  " Afterwards, I went to talk to Ted and explained to him what had happened.  His response was that Lindsay may have gone about the confrontation wrong, but that all the questions she had were legitimate.  He urged me to call her, but have answers for her before I did."   As Brian retold the story, he was thankful that Ted didn't give him an automatic okay for his behavior or his actions.  "So...., I spent some time on the phone with the school learning about additional options for Gus in the summer.  Now, I will have to discuss it with him on Friday before I call Lindsay.  But, I realized Ted was right; I needed more of a plan than to say I had it covered."  Brian looked down at his plate and ate a few more bites of chicken. 

"This is weird.  I've never gone to anyone and asked for their opinion or to share about what happened in my day,"  Brian admitted, feeling a little uneasy.

"Brian, I'm not your sponsor anymore and hopefully you'll feel comfortable sharing life's ups and downs with me. That's what people do.  They share and talk about life's highs and lows, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  This isn't about your drinking, but more about dealing with Gus and his moms."  Justin said, trying to reassure Brian that the conversation was welcome and he wasn't feeling burdened by it.

"But, it doesn't involve you.  Why would you care?  I mean, that didn't come off right.  I mean, I've always taken care of everything and I'm not used to telling others about my life."  Brian looked at Justin, a little confused about why Justin was interested since he was no longer his sponsor. 

Justin reached out his hand and laid it over Brian's hand and gave it a little squeeze.  "Brian, I like you and want to know what happens in your life.  It has nothing to do with being your sponsor or not being your sponsor.  It's what friends do.  They ask about others' lives and sometimes offer advice even when it is not asked for," Justin grinned at the little added tidbit that he chose to add.  

"Okay,"  Brian nodded in understanding, still not totally convinced that anyone would care about his disagreement with Lindsay.  "I guess Ted did the same thing when he told me that Lindsay was right in wanting answers to those questions."

"They are good questions and as Gus' mom, I would want to be sure he was cared for.  Put yourself in her shoes.  If she signed him up for a program, wouldn't you have the same concerns?"  Justin asked, trying to help Brian see both sides of the discussion.

"They've taken care of all that shit for years and never asked me about any of it.  Why is this different?"  Brian asked, his question obviously defensive in nature based on the tone of his voice.

"Brian, it's different now. Gus is spending a lot of time with you.  It's no longer an occasional evening or overnight.  You've become a big part of his life and as such, they want to make sure you've thought of things that they've dealt with for years.  Lindsay probably isn't sure that you've thought of the logistics of Gus getting to and from the program or what he would do after it was over.  You've never had to think about those things and she wanted to be sure that everything was covered.  The last thing she wanted to happen was to have Gus show up on day one without a plan for someone to pick him up or what he was going to do when the activity was over,"  Justin explained the intricacies of parenting logistics to Brian.  He remembered his parents having similar discussions when Molly was young.  There were many dinner discussions about the logistics of getting Justin and Molly to various activities while working around his parent's commitments.  Justin took another bite of his chicken, watching Brian think about his comments. 

Brian ate some chicken and took another sip of water as he thought about Justin's comments.  After a few moments, he said, "Yeah.  I guess I would want to know that Gus is safe.  There is a lot to this parenting thing that I haven't thought about.  On the other hand, you have to give me credit.  I knew I needed to go to a meeting on Saturday night and couldn't just leave Gus, so I did figure out a way to work that out,"  Brian said, pointing out his positive parenting skills.

"Brian, no one is questioning your parenting.  Lindsay just wanted to be sure that you'd thought about those things.  Gus adores you and loves spending time with you.  He is comfortable with you and is so proud of you.  Come on, you cleared out a storage room for him, bought him an amazing bed, and spent an entire day putting it together, even though that was not your wheelhouse,"  Justin said, grinning at the memory of that evening. 

Brian grinned.  "I seem to recall I had some amazing help in building said bed.  And the results of that adventure have led me to a new relationship with you.  All in all, I think it was a win for everyone."  Brian leaned over and kissed Justin on the cheek. 

"I agree.   A win for everyone.  I know you said that you've got work to do, and as much as I'd love to hang out with you, I know you've got to go.  Why don't you finish your dinner and I'll see you tomorrow.  I can clean up."  Justin offered, pleased that Brian had agreed to come over but not wanting to keep him from his work. 

Brian didn't argue, knowing that he really did need to get some work done tonight. He looked at his empty plate and felt a little disappointed that he was finished.

"Hopefully, Lindsay will not call until I have a chance to talk to Gus on Friday.  I could call him and discuss it, but I'd rather do it in person,"  Brian said taking a sip of his water, postponing the inevitable departure.

"If she calls, tell her your plan, explaining that you want to talk to Gus about another program.  This way you are telling her that you heard her concerns and are addressing them,"  Justin suggested.

"Then she'll think I am irresponsible.  I mean, by telling her my plan is to talk to Gus, it says that I really didn't have a firm plan,"  Brian explained, not wanting to let Lindsay know that she had some legitimate concerns. 

"Brian.  Acknowledging your mistakes is important.  I understand that you don't want to give her any reason to doubt you, but no one is perfect and all of us need reminders to do things,"  Justin said, disagreeing with Brian's strategy.  He'd never had occasion to question Brian's actions, but this time, he wanted to speak up.  He didn't think of the consequences of disagreeing. 

Brian looked at Justin, surprised at his comment.  He wasn't used to anyone disagreeing with him and he was a little taken aback.  "I have a motto No Apologies.  No Regrets. But I see that it should probably be revised.  I do have regrets and I guess I should occasionally apologize.  It's just been against my philosophy.  I've lived my whole life only thinking about me."  Brian bit the corner of his lip, a habit that Justin had come to equate with discomfort.

"But you're changing, Brian.  I see it and so do you.  Gus sees it. Ted sees it. Emmett sees it.  Lindsay may have seen some of it, but she might not be ready to accept it,"  Justin said, very gently, knowing that this was a major shift in Brian's thought process.  While he was no longer his sponsor, he could not take that hat off entirely. He reached out to touch his hand to Brian's hand that had been laying on the table. 

"I guess you're right.  If she calls, I'll still tell her I'm working on it, but I'll let her know what I've come up with.  Thanks. Well, I guess I'm going to take you up on your offer of cleaning up.  But I really do have to go.  See you tomorrow at the meeting and then we'll cook dinner?"  Brian asked, as he stood up from the table and walked toward the door.  He grabbed his jacket off the back of the couch and put it on.

"That is if the offer still stands?"  Justin asked as thought about cooking dinner in Brian's loft.  It would be a new experience for them; one to add to their explorations.

"Of course, it's still on.  A chance for you to cook is always on the table. Gus and I are definite novices in that area," Broan said, tongue in cheek. 

Justin joined him at the door and leaned in to give him a kiss.  Brian wrapped his arms around Justin and opened his mouth, allowing his tongue to caress Justin's mouth and tongue.  He hugged Justin, pulling his body close to his, enjoying the closeness and intimacy of the moment.  He felt his pants getting tight at the feel of Justin in his arms, but ignored the beginnings of his erection.  They kissed for a minute, and then Brian pulled away.

"Thank you for dinner.  Later,"  Brian said as he opened the door and walked out.

Justin closed the door behind him, leaning against the wood.  He licked his lips where Brian had kissed him, savoring the feeling.  While he originally regretted his indiscretion in kissing Brian, he now realized it was the right move and he couldn't wait for them to explore their relationship.

******

Brian drove home, turning his mind to the work that lay ahead.  He was not used to working in the evening and he reminisced about the many years that he took work home because he had been too hungover during the first part of his day to be effective.  He was thankful that those days were behind him.  If he was lucky, he would be able to complete his work in an hour or two and then have some time to unwind.

When he got home, he checked his mailbox and thought again about getting a P.O. Box since he rarely got anything but junk mail.  He filed the thought and opened his door to the loft, laying the mail on the counter.  He changed into his version of loungewear, faded jeans, and a wife-beater and booted up his computer to look at the files he needed to review.  He grabbed a bottle of water and his briefcase and sat at his desk to work.  He worked for about an hour and a half and felt he was at a good stopping point for the night.

He turned off the computer and went to his windbreaker where he had placed the worksheets that the leader had handed out at the AA meeting this evening.  He reviewed them again and thought for a few moments before he started writing.

The first column said

 I'm resentful at:

Who?  ( People,Places, Things, Institutions, Principles, etc

Brian immediately thought of the events of the day and started writing. 

I resent Lindsay for questioning my abilities to think ahead and plan for Gus.  It had already occurred to me that he would have to have something to do in the afternoon and I had toyed with some ideas, but to have her question me as if I had not thought about those things made me really angry and resent her inferences that I was irresponsible. 

The cause:

How?  How they hurt or threatened me.

Her words hurt me.  I've told people that I do not apologize and have no regrets, but I realize now that I do regret not being in Gus' life.  Well, I was in his life, just very peripherally.  It hurts when she questions my commitment to Gus, my commitment to staying sober, and my ability to keep him safe.  I'm glad that I went to a lawyer before I told her I was attending AA but the facts are that I was right.  She threatened my ability to see my son.  That hurt more than anything in my life.

Affects my:

What ?  What part of self affected that I reacted to.

Her words and doubts affected how I see myself.  I am a capable business owner with a multi-million dollar company, but she questions my abilities to take care of my son.  That hurts my self-worth and makes me question my thoughts as a parent. 

Brian took out his journal and started to write.

I just completed the first line of the resentment exercise we did in AA tonight.  Writing it down in these categories really helps me see my feelings.  I was surprised that Justin was interested in the conversation that I had with Lindsay and Ted regarding the summer program.  It is still very new to think that anyone cares about what happens in my life, but me.  Honestly, until recently, I'm not sure that I cared what happened in my personal life.  I cared about my business and then I drowned all my feelings in the bottle and in the latest alphabet of drugs. Thinking about my life and what I want to do with it is still a novel idea.  The idea of sharing it with Gus and hopefully Justin is even more novel. 

Gus is my son and his addiction to my life is not new, but the level of involvement I have with him has definitely increased and I love spending time with him.  I never thought I would be the weekend Dad and like the responsibility for him, but I look forward to our time together, seeing the world through his eyes.  He makes me realize all that I lost in my own childhood due to my parents and their drinking habits.  I can't turn back time, but I can give him a better childhood and a better relationship with me than I had with my old man.  My dad only saw me as a punching bag when I was young, but when I became prosperous, he saw me like a bank.  Much like Lindsay sees me.  I'm the father of her child, but really it was a way for her to bankroll the lifestyle she wanted to live.

I'm not sure I resent her for asking me to provide the junk to make Gus as now I can't imagine my life without him.  He was the reason I got sober, so if he wasn't here, I might still be drinking and not living the life I am today.  And, I would not have met Justin. 

Justin, he would take a whole day to write my thoughts and feelings about him and I do not have the time right now.  Suffice it to say, that I'm thankful he is in my life and I do not resent his kiss.  Even though it was unexpected and put a strain on our relationship, I'm glad that we are getting to know each other and I hope it continues to move forward.

Well, that is all for now.  I have so many lines to fill on that sheet, it might take me months to complete, but I guess that is the idea.  Cleo had a great idea in having me journal my thoughts.  It will be interesting to look over these in a few weeks and months.

Brian put away his pen and journal.  He shut off the lights, made sure the loft was locked up and got ready for bed.  He realized he hadn't called Cleo and made a note to do so tomorrow.

Brian, Justin, and Gus had a great weekend.  On Saturday the three of them went to the zoo and the weather was perfect; the animals were awake and moving.  It was not too hot for them and not too cold for the human visitors.  Justin spent a lot of time showing Gus tricks to photograph moving objects and since most of the animals moved rather slowly, Gus was able to get some great pictures.  Saturday night Gus and Emmett cooked and Brian and Justin went to their meeting and then joined the cooks for another wonderful meal.  After the meal, Brian and Justin watched a movie and made out a little and then Justin left. On Sunday Brian and Gus ran errands, picking up some new clothes for Gus as he had already outgrown some of the items that Brian had purchased a few months ago.  He was beginning to appreciate the term growing boy in a literal context.  Justin did not go with them as he spent the day in his studio. 

After Brian dropped Gus off at Debbie's he called Lindsay.  He usually dropped Gus off early since he had to go to the AA meeting.  He hoped he would catch her at home since it was a good hour before most of the family didn't arrive at Debbie's before 6:00.

"Brian," she answered on the first ring.  She was still really angry with him from the incident earlier in the week; however, his warning to her regarding keeping Gus away was enough to deter her from calling again.  She and Mel had discussed the matter and felt that allowing Brian to "fuck up" by not having appropriate arrangements in place would be to their advantage.  They had discussed that one of them would arrange to be available during the first few days of Gus' program so that Gus would not be left unsupervised and Brian could demonstrate how inept he really was at the parent responsibility task.  Therefore, she was surprised to hear from him.

"Lindsay.  I just called to tell you that I signed Gus up for an afternoon program for the summer.  This way he has something to do all day and no one has to leave their work in the middle of the day.  He and I sat down with the different brochures and he picked out the one he wanted to do.  I've registered him for the program and of course, it is already paid for.  He's looking forward to it already. They alternate between building Lego robots and cooking.  I signed him up for two programs in the summer; both of them involve art, but then he'll do the Lego's one session and cooking in the afternoons.  There were some other short sessions also but I wasn't sure if you were planning your annual vacation before school and I know he said something about soccer camp too.  Since the soccer camp is offered multiple times, I figured I could sign him up for that after you guys figured things out."  Brian did not talk about the phone call or the incident at his work, choosing only to provide the relevant information.  He did not want to get into a discussion and wanted her to know it was a done deal. 

"Since it is on my side of town, he can stay with me for the summer while he's attending camp or you can take him and I'll pick him up and bring him home.  We can discuss that as it gets closer."  He had not stopped talking, therefore, not allowing Lindsay to interrupt or comment. 

"Brian,"  Lindsay said, impressed with all that he'd accomplished but still wanting the last word.

He interrupted her, not giving her time to even finish her sentence.  "I've got to go to my meeting.  I'll talk to you later,'  Brian added, and then he disconnected the call.

Melanie came into the room and asked, "Was that Brian?  I thought I heard the phone ring and you say his name but then I didn't hear anything else.  What did the asshole say?"

Lindsay registered Melanie's question after a few moments as she put down her phone.  Turning toward Melanie, she said, "He said he registered Gus for two afternoon programs:  a Lego one and a cooking one.  This way Gus is busy all day.  He then offered to have him stay with him for the summer since the programs are on his side of town.  He did say we could take him to the program and then he would pick him up and bring him home if that was what we wanted."

"Oh,"  Melanie said, surprised at the information and the swiftness that Brian completed the task. 

"Maybe you were wrong.  Maybe, he has changed,"  Lindsay said, not having fully processed the phone call. 

"We'll see.  I still plan on having a backup.  On the other hand, if Kinney keeps Gus and takes him to and from this hoity-toity camp, that means we have a lot of freedom this summer.  We could enjoy a lot of the free concerts, extended hours at the museums, and other activities that we haven't been able to go to since we had Gus and daycare.  I'll bet Kinney will regret his offer after a few days when he has an 11-year-old to deal with every day.  I love Gus, but he can be a handful."

"I think it would be great if we could enjoy some of the evening options this summer.  It's already March and I can start looking at the summer programs.  I see so many of them and always wished we could go.  Now we can.  Brian's sobriety has definitely paid off for us,"  Lindsay smiled and walked over to her computer to start her research.  "I know we have to leave in about a half hour to go to Deb's but I'd like to get started."

******

Brian smiled when he got off the phone, pleased with his call.  He continued driving to the AA meeting and hoped Justin would already be there so he could share his success.  When he pulled into the parking lot, Justin's car was there and that made him smile again.  He noticed that he smiled a lot when Justin and Gus were around and that his moods, in general, were more positive now that he wasn't drinking. 

Walking into the room, he spotted Justin by the coffee table and went to say hi.  They had agreed that they would keep their greetings neutral or light with no more than a hug since hugs were common among the participants.  They were not ashamed of their budding relationship, but they decided that an AA meeting was not the venue to share PDAs, although they didn't realize that the looks between them were easily recognizable as those between two people who had more than a casual relationship. 

"You look happy, like the cat that ate the canary,"  Justin said as he walked toward the chairs with his coffee.

"I called Lindsay on the way over.  She said "hello" and before she could say anything else, I told her all about the second program I set up for Gus and I told her that he could stay with me since it was on my side of town.  I gave her the facts and then said I had to go and hung up.  I didn't give her an opportunity to discuss it since it is already done and there is no discussion.  I did offer that she could take Gus to the program and I would pick him up and take him back to their house.  I might have just set myself up for summer with Gus rather than a few weeks."

"I'm proud of you.  You seem really excited about the prospect of having Gus all summer or at least seeing him every day.  A few months ago you were worried about what to do with him when you had him for the whole weekend.  That is really exciting.  If you need help, you know that I'd be willing to pick him up or watch him if you needed to work.  He's a cool kid and I think he'd be fine with that,"  Justin offered, thinking that spending time with Gus and Brian during the summer would be fun.  "Maybe we can hit some of those extended hours events at the zoo or art museum.  I bet Gus would like them."

Brian looked at Justin with a confused look on his face.  "You'll have to enlighten me.  I have no idea what you are talking about,'  Brian said as he sat down in one of the chairs in the small circle. 

"In the summer, many places have extended hours on certain days.  This allows people to enjoy the extra daylight and to hit the museums or zoo in the evening, not just on the weekend.  Since many people go on vacation in the summer, this also offers an opportunity for out-of-town visitors to enjoy events as well.  There are typically free concerts, special exhibits, and a whole lot of other stuff that is offered in the summer.  People like to get out in the summer and this is a great way to expose people to all the city has to offer,"  Justin explained.  He took out his phone and typed in summer programs in Pittsburgh and then showed the screen to Brian.  "See, these are just a few of the offerings that the city has to offer.  I bet if you, me, and Gus got on the computer, we could make a whole separate list of summer activities we wanted to try.  It would be fun,"  Justin said, excited about the possibility of someone joining him in the evenings during the summer months. 

"I had no idea.  Summer was no different than any other season when I was drinking.  It just meant different campaign deadlines.  Since I spent all my spare time at Woody's and Babylon, the only difference was that during the summer, I didn't need a coat check,"  Brian said, admitting he had never thought about any of the events the city offered.  "It would be great to do some activities with Gus or just enjoy the daylight.  Winter is just so dreary with all the gray skies."

"The meeting is starting.  I guess we can continue this later,'  Justin said, smiling at Brian and turning toward the speaker.  As usual, they paid attention to the speaker and the comments made by the group, each man applying the conversation to his specific life.  After the meeting, they walked out to their cars and chatted.

"So, my place tonight?  I seem to remember you agreeing to help cook dinner,"  Brian asked, verifying that nothing had changed from the previous evening.

"Sounds like a plan, I'm definitely hungry.  I have to stop to get gas so I'll be a few minutes late,"  Justin said and he walked toward his car.

As Brian drove home, he marveled at the domesticity of his life: leaving work early on Fridays,  spending weekends with Gus, and then cooking dinner with Justin on Sunday nights.  It seemed a lifetime ago when his entire world revolved around going to Babylon and Woody's and having anonymous sex with as many willing men as he could each night. He hadn't had sex in 7 months unless you counted jerking off with his own right hand, sex.  

As he walked into the loft, he took his wallet, keys, and phone into the bedroom, placing them on his nightstand.  He was already dressed in casual clothes since it was Sunday and he hadn't come from work.  He went to the kitchen to gather the ingredients for their dinner.  Justin buzzed and Brian let him up.  He waited at the door while the elevator made its way to the top floor and then watched as Justin exited the car.  Justin walked to Brian and then hugged him.  After the hug, Brian leaned down to kiss Justin, giving him a proper welcome.  They stood outside Brian's loft for several minutes as they enjoyed the kiss.  Reluctantly Brian pulled away when he heard the rumble of Justin's stomach.

"I guess that is your subtle hint that we should cook dinner,"  Brian said, tongue in cheek. 

Justin laughed and said, "Sounds like a plan." 

They walked into the kitchen and Justin got out several pans so they could start dinner.  They worked side by side as they prepared the food.

"I was thinking on the way home from our meeting how domestic my life has become,"  Brian commented as he placed the chicken in the pan. 

"And what did you think about this revelation?"  Justin asked, casually, curious as to Brian's thoughts.

"I was okay with it, but I got to thinking about what my life was like before I got sober and how at this time on a Sunday night I'd be coming home from Debbie's and thinking about going to Woody's and Babylon later.  My life really was all about getting my dick serviced," Brian said, looking toward Justin to see his reaction.

While Justin had heard Brian talk a little about his past promiscuity, he had never pushed for details, feeling it wasn't his place. He was a little surprised that Brian had brought the topic up.

"Do you miss it?"  The worlds just came out of his mouth and he didn't try to overthink them. Justin added the spices to the chicken and then placed the pan in the oven.  "I'll set the timer for 45 minutes.  Do you want to make some potatoes or rice to go with it?"

"Rice would be good.  I'll get the rice cooker out," said as he thought about Justin's question. He reached for the rice cooker, placed it on the counter, and measured the rice and water, placing them in the cooker.

"Do I miss it?  That is actually a hard, no pun intended question to answer.  There have been a few conversations about sex at AA, and if I'm honest I would say I was probably addicted to sex like I was addicted to alcohol," Brian said, as he turned on the rice cooker, not missing a beat in the conversation.  "Let's grab some water and we can talk in the living room.  That way we can be comfortable."  Brian reached into the fridge, grabbed two waters, and gave one to Justin.

They sat on opposite ends of the couch so they could easily see each other.  Both men turned their bodies, facing each other but far enough apart to not be in each other's space.  Brian twisted his bottle top and took a long drink of his water, put the cap back on, and then placed the water bottle on the coaster on the coffee table. 

"You think you were addicted to sex and to alcohol.  It's not uncommon to have more than one addiction.  I'm curious about that.  Do you want to share?"  Justin said, wondering where this conversation was leading.

"I got off 3-4 times a night and sometimes more.  I would cruise Woody's, Babylon, hell anywhere I happened to be and look for someone to do.  It was really the only thing I was interested in.  I didn't have hobbies and I couldn't work all the time; although sometimes it felt like I did."

"Okay.  You had a lot of sex.  But I take it that isn't the case anymore?"  Justin asked, wondering if Brian would ask about his sexual experiences.

Brian used one hand to run through his hair and then pinched the bridge of his nose with the same hand.  "Remember when you had offered to go with me to Babylon so I could allegedly go dancing, but I canceled it at the last minute?"

"Sure, but that was months ago and you were pretty new at the sobriety thing,"  Justin said, remembering how relieved he was that Brian had changed his mind.  "Do you pick up tricks in other places?"

"During the first week or so of my sobriety, I realized that I needed to stay away from Babylon and went to Grindr to hook up a few times.  But, other than that, it's been me and my right hand for a long time.  Someday I plan to go back.  I thought you should know.  I mean I'd like to go back with you and I don't want you to be surprised." Brian added, the last sentence hoping to let Justin know that he wanted him to join him.

"I take it that you mean going back to Babylon?"  Justin asked for clarification, wanting to make sure he was following the conversation.

"Yeah, Babylon,"  Brian agreed.

Justin felt like he'd been punched in the gut and his face showed his feelings.  He tried to keep his voice from betraying him as well.  "Okay.  But I'm a little confused.  Do you want to go back to Babylon and pick up tricks or do you want to go back to Babylon so you can dance with me?  Or is it both?"  Justin felt alarm bells ringing in his head, but he wanted Brian to walk him through his thought processes.

Brian looked at Justin.  He was playing with his water bottle, twirling it around and he appeared to be trying to keep his voice neutral but he could hear the hesitation in it.  He wondered briefly when he got to be so good at reading his companion. 

"Oh shit,"  Brian said, realizing how his statement hurt Justin's feelings. 

"Brian, we're trying to figure out if we want a relationship.  We've not really talked about what that means, except to say we want to explore it.  I mean, if you want to go to Babylon and have anonymous sex, that is your choice.  But, I'm not going to go with you and watch you pick up other guys.  And, I'm not really sure that going to Babylon and having anonymous sex with a bunch of guys on a regular basis is a good idea.  If you think you were addicted to sex like you say, I would encourage you to think about returning to your previous behavior of picking up random guys."  It took all of Justin's willpower to stay calm and not confront Brian.  He wanted to tell him that going to a bar would be a really bad idea and that he didn't think it would help his recovery, but he felt that he needed Brian to come to that conclusion on his own. 

Brian listened, nodding his head in understanding.  "I guess going to Babylon to pick up tricks would be like going to a bar.  If I was addicted to sex, I should stay away from places that triggered my addiction."

"Right,"  Justin said, glad that Brian was connecting his behavior to a possible trigger.

"That's the place I hang with the guys, that and Woody's.  That would suck if I could never go back,'  Brian said, the reality of returning back to his previous life finally hitting him.

"Never is a long time,"  Justin said, quoting the familiar cliche.

"You and your PSA's and cliches,"  Brian said as he thought about the idea of never returning to Babylon and Woody's.  "But, Ted and Blake go to both places.  So maybe one day,"  Brian said, wanting Justin to agree that those options weren't off the table. 

"Brian, there are no sobriety police or sex police for that matter.  Only you can decide if it is okay for you to return to your previous activities.  Everybody is different.  There are recovering alcoholics who return to their former activities and never drink and there are those that have to change everything in their lives,"  Justin continued with his soft pedal PSA.

"I guess I'm already doing the latter.  I still hang out with Ted, Blake, and Emmett.  Of course, Mel and Linds are in my life as a result of Gus.  Debbie, too.  The only person I have really stopped seeing is Michael since he can't accept that my life has changed and if he wants to be a part of it, it needs to look different."  Brian looked a little sad at the mention of his former best friend but then realized that it had been Michael's choice to not accept the changes in Brian. 

"Maybe someday I'll go back to Babylon.  Even if I don't I thought you should know about the sex thing.  If you and I move forward with this thing,"  Brian waved his index finger back and forth between the two of them.  "I'm sure that someone will bring up my promiscuity and I didn't want you to be surprised and go running for the hills."

Justin said, "You wanted to tell me about your previous life. I appreciate your candor." He took a sip of his water, not really sure how he felt about Brian's sexual history. 

Brian laughed.  "You sound like a school teacher listening to a student confess he cheated on his math quiz.  ‘I appreciate your candor.' Is that all you really have to say?"  Brian asked, pushing Justin.

"I guess I'm not sure what to say.  You've hinted at the facts, you were very active sexually, but you never really stated what that meant.  I mean 3-4 tricks a day is a lot of sex.  But I also know you're a different person now and judging your old sexual habits is not really a good indication of what you are doing now.  It's like saying I used to drink a fifth of Vodka every day.  Judging you by what you used to drink does not mean that you do it today,'  Justin explained.  

"I guess I felt like you needed to know about my past.  If we continue whatever this is, it's bound to come up.  I mean Ted and Emmett and even Gus' moms all know me as the Liberty Avenue slut.  Ted and Emmett know I haven't been down to Liberty Avenue except to eat at the diner or drop off Gus on Sundays. Mel and Linds, and even Debbie don't necessarily know that I'm not tricking.  All they know is that I don't hit the bars anymore.  They probably assume I'm getting my dick sucked somewhere else,"  Brian admitted, smiling as he thought of one of those memes where you have 4 pictures depicting an event, but only one depicts reality while the other three depict what other people think is happening. 

"I assume that means that you aren't having sex anymore with random strangers?"  Justin asked, feeling like he knew the answer, but wanted to know for sure.

"Yeah, you assume right.  Like I said when we started this, the idea of sex is not really on my radar.  Someday, but not today.  Speaking of sex, what about you?  We always talk about my life, I'd like to learn about you."  Brian said, realizing that he really did want to know more about Justin.  It took him a little by surprise as up to this point most of the conversations were about him. 

"I'm not a virgin if that is what you're asking,"  Justin said, surprised by the question.  He hadn't really expected the question since he and Brian were still getting used to the dating thing.

"I didn't think you were.  I feel your erection when we kiss and while that doesn't mean you're not a virgin, the way you press against me makes me think otherwise.  Besides, I would hate to have to be the one to break you in. Virgins are a lot of work and I tend to stay away from them,"  Brian said as he smelled the chicken cooking in the other room.

"That's interesting.  If I were a virgin, you wouldn't sleep with me?"  Justin asked, clarifying Brian's statement. 

"No, I didn't mean that.  You're different....  I mean... "  Brian stammered and took a deep breath.  "Shit!  When you had sex as often as I did, virgins were an inconvenience.  I mean they didn't know how to give a good blow job.  They cried out when you pushed inside as they weren't used to the burn.  They didn't know what to do with their teeth when they went down on you and then the worst part was the cling factor.  If you take a guy's virginity, especially one that is a little older, it usually meant  he's been holding out for the ‘right guy' and I never had any intention of being the ‘right guy.' "  Brian explained his view, hoping Justin would understand.

"So, you really did think about sex and who you wanted to do.  But if I had said I was a virgin, would that have mattered?'  Justin asked, finding the conversation fascinating.

"I don't think so.  It's different now.  I mean I like being with you and hanging out with you.  You might be the ‘right guy' and that doesn't scare me off like it used to.  If you were a virgin, I wouldn't freak out and we'd work through it.  But I'd like to hear about you."

Justin wasn't sure why he was reluctant to tell Brian, but he took a deep breath and said, "Okay.  Fair is fair.  I realized I liked guys in high school.  I was always drawing pictures of guys.  Hanging out at the football practices and going to swim meets so I could look at their beautiful bodies.  There is nothing quite like a beautiful man.  I had my first crush in high school; captain of the football team.  He didn't notice me at all since I wasn't a jock.  I used to dream about him jerking me off in the equipment locker room or under the bleachers.  But nothing came of it.  My senior year, I decided I needed to have sex.  I wasn't under the illusion that I was going to wait for ‘the right guy'."  Justin took a drink from his water bottle.  For some reason, he felt a little awkward sharing the information.

"So where did you go?"  Brian asked, curious why he didn't remember ever seeing Justin prior to attending AA.  "I would remember if I'd had you before.  I had a no-repeat motto.  Once I had you, I didn't want you again,"  Brian said, sharing his prior motto.

"Didn't you run out of guys?  I mean if you had sex 3-4 times a day... There are only a limited number of gay guys in Pittsburgh,'  Justin asked, finding the whole conversation very enlightening.

"Well,  I only counted those I actually fucked..  I didn't count guys who gave me blow jobs as no repeats.  Then for sure, I'd have run out of guys. I didn't ask for names and usually associated something about the guy with his dick.  After all, I was only interested in getting off.  I couldn't tell you the names of the men.  It just wasn't important."

"So you're saying that if you'd had me before we wouldn't be having this discussion since you'd already done me?" Justin refused to use the word fuck with Brian since he hoped that when they hopefully had sex it would be more than just fucking. 

Brian looked at Justin, realizing the rabbit hole he was quickly falling into.  "Did I have sex with you?"  Brian asked, hoping the answer was no.

"No, you didn't have sex with me, but you didn't answer the question.  If your answer had been yes, what would that mean for our future?"  Justin asked again.  The timer went off in the kitchen.  "I guess we need to take out the chicken, but I need an answer from you."

Brian stood up and waved his hand at Justin to join him in the kitchen.  "Let's get dinner on the table and we'll continue our discussion,"  Brian said, glad for the reprieve, but only because he felt that this was a critical discussion and he wanted to get it right.

Justin nodded in agreement and said, "I'll check the chicken and why don't you check the rice.  Is there lettuce in the fridge?"

"Yeah, I bought lettuce and the French Dressing that you like.  I'll make us a salad, and cut up some cucumbers and tomatoes to throw in.  Why don't we just scoop out the rice from the cooker?"  Brian said, focusing on their dinner rather than trying to formulate an answer to Justin's question.

The two men finished the dinner preparations and plated their food.  They brought their plates to the table and sat down. Brian took a bite of his chicken while Justin started with the salad.  "Thanks for picking up this dressing.  It really is my favorite."

"You're welcome.  I have to thank Gus though as he mentioned that we were running low.  It seems that he likes it too,"  Brian said.

"So back to my question, would you still be interested in having sex with me if you'd already had me in the past?"  Justin asked as he cut a small piece of chicken and then placed it in his mouth.  He knew what he hoped Brian's answer would be, but he was stealing himself for a different response as well.

"Things are different now.  I'm different.  I haven't had sex in over 7 months and I have to say yes.  I would still be willing to have sex with you even if I'd had you in the past.  Like you said earlier, you can't hold it against me that I used to be a sex addict, used to be the operative words here,"  Brian answered.  He had thought about his response and realized that he would still be interested in having sex with Justin and that his no-repeat rule would not apply. 

"Fair enough,"  Justin said, nodding his head in acceptance of Brian's answer.

"But we took a detour.  Finish telling me about your first time and so on.  I assume you weren't just looking for one and done.  Virginity doesn't mean the same thing for gay men."  Brian ate a few bites of salad and looked at Justin expectantly.

"I actually hooked up with a guy at a friend's party.  My best friend in high school was a girl.  We'd grown up together and been friends since kindergarten.  Anyway, she had this party our senior year when her parents were out of town.  There were a lot of people making out, but they were all girls and guys.  This guy looked at me and my gaydar pinged loud and clear.  We found a bedroom that was empty.  Most of the couples weren't doing anything but kissing and stuff, but I wanted more. It seemed like the perfect time.  It was at my best friend's house, my parents weren't going to find out and no one would bother us if we went to a bedroom.  Anyway, that was my first time."  Justin laughed as he remembered their awkward fumbling and fallout from the tryst.

"Any relationships?  I mean.... We've been talking about relationships and as I've told you I have zero experience in that department, much less even dating.  Hopefully, you have a little more experience in that area,"  Brian asked, realizing that he hoped that Justin had a better road map than he did. "I'm hoping the answer is yes.  At least you would know what didn't work for you and you could help guide me."

"Relationships are unique, Brian.  Telling you about why I broke up with someone doesn't help.  Well, I guess it could help me narrow down what I don't want but real relationships are not some magical formula where you plug in x and y and get the right answer.  Besides, you are not the same person you were 7 months ago.  You've said yourself that you never really thought about a relationship until recently. What didn't work for me in the past may not even be an issue for the two of us,'  Justin explained his philosophy.  He took another drink of water and ate a few bites of his salad and chicken.  "The chicken turned out really moist."

"But in answer to your question, I had a few boyfriends.  The last guy I was with was someone I used to drink with.  Well get drunk, is a better description.  We'd hook up after work, his job- not mine.  He'd bitch and moan about his boss, his co-workers, and his life in general, and then we'd get drunk.  After several hours at the bar, we'd head to his apartment and have sex, but since we were drunk most of the time, I think the sex was pretty shitty.  I'm surprised you were able to have sex as often as you did since when he was drunk he often had a hard time staying hard,"  Justin said, recalling the many times he was frustrated since Joe couldn't stay hard.

"I'll have you know the legendary ‘Stud of Liberty Avenue' did not have problems staying hard, no matter how much booze or drugs I took,"  Brian said proudly.  

Justin smiled but didn't take Brian's bait, choosing to ignore Brian's claims.  He didn't doubt Brian, but since he hoped those days were over for Brian, he didn't feel the need to encourage Brian to think about his past sexual prowess.  He hoped that one day he might experience Brian's prowess in bed.

"Anyway, that only lasted a few months.  I got tired of listening to his griping.  Before that, I dated a few guys.  I think the longest time was six months.  That guy broke up with me because he got tired of me painting all hours of the day and night.  Seems that he didn't understand that inspiration and the need to create doesn't always fall during 9-5,"  Justin said, sharing some of his recent dating experiments.

"So, neither of us is an expert at this shit!."  Brian said.  ‘Is that why they tell you to wait a year when you're attending AA?  I mean, they want you to study relationships or something?"

"No.  No one is expecting that.  Dating is filled with all kinds of expectations; some you put on yourself to ‘get it right'  and others people put on you.  When your only experience in relationships comes from Romcom movies and tv shows, the reality and messiness of a real relationship often pale in comparison.  Then there are the other concerns when you're still trying to navigate sobriety and rebuild your life.  You have enough on your plate to figure out who Brian is, much less figure out what a relationship looks like.  Trying to do too many things at once doesn't end up well."

Justin reached for Brian's hand, placing it under his own. "Talking about stuff like past sexual partners and dating is all part of the dating process.  While no one has a syllabus about dating, a lot of the early ‘dates' are spent getting to know the other person.  While we spent a lot of time talking about you and sobriety, we are just now learning about each other,"  Justin said, giving Brian's hand a gentle squeeze.  "The first step is sexual attraction.  Well, I think it is the first step since if someone isn't attracted to another person in a sexual way, then the relationship doesn't typically ever start."

Justin licked his lips as he thought of their initial kiss and the subsequent kisses they shared in the past month.  "We got that covered if our make-out sessions are any indication.  But now, we have to go deeper.  You need to get to know me and I get to know you."

"But we already spend a ton of time together and you hang out with me every day.  We spend almost all of our weekends together too,"  Brian said, not really getting Justin's statement.

"We do.  And you could say that we have been dating for a long time.  We obviously like hanging out with each other or we wouldn't be having dinner every night together.  But, dating is different.  Most of the time we have gotten together, we've been concentrating on your sobriety.  That's how it should have been and why I told you I couldn't be your sponsor anymore.  I would have never asked about your sex life as your sponsor, but as a person who is starting a relationship with you, it is an important topic to discuss."  Justin stopped talking, wanting Brian to take in his explanation before continuing.  He finished the last of his salad and swirled the last piece of chicken in the sauce on his plate while he waited.

"Are there other topics that we have to talk about?  I mean should we be having these types of conversations all the time?"  Brian asked, trying to fit dating into a regimen he followed at the gym.

"Brian, there are all kinds of things to talk about; some are just for fun and others are serious.  I already know you didn't have many hobbies before you stopped drinking and that is what started our relationship.  But we could talk about our families, our day to day activities and how they impact us, our co-workers, mutual friend's lives as well as lives of our other friends, our goals for our careers, our goals as a couple, what we like to do on vacation and even if we like to vacation.  We could talk about marriage, monogamy, and kids.  We could talk about where we want to live and what is important in a home- things like living in the city or in the burbs, amenities we think are important, and how much to spend.  People talk about all kinds of things and some of them are critical deal-breakers while others are something you and I might agree to disagree on and we don't talk about after the initial discussion,"  Justin said.  He had only mentioned some critical areas but knew there were so many more things to discuss.

"Shit. It'd take hours to cover all that.  Do people really sit down and discuss every little detail when they are dating?  No wonder I've never dated,"  Brian said.  As soon as he said that he said, "Wait.  I didn't mean that.....I mean I still want to explore us, just that I had no idea all that was involved,  Can't we just hang out and not bother with all that other crap.?"

Justin sat quietly for a few moments before answering.  "Brian, I like you.  I like you a lot and I want to see where this relationship goes.  However, if talking about this stuff freaks you out or you don't want to do it, then I think it would be best if we stopped now.  I've got lots of friends, but I was hoping we could be more than friends."

Brian hadn't expected that response and wasn't used to being given ultimatums.  He thought about what Justin said, but didn't spend very much time before he responded.   "Justin, I said I want to explore us and I haven't changed my mind.  As I said, I'm new at all this.  I don't know why I said that since I have never felt uncomfortable talking to you.  I guess, it just took me by surprise.  I'm still willing if you are," Brian said, hoping that Justin was still willing to explore their relationship.

"I'm willing.  But, Brian, if you ever change your mind about us, I would still be your friend,"  Justin said, hoping that Brian would still want his friendship.

"Good.  I think that is enough talking for one night.  After all, all talk and no play makes Brian a dull boy,"  Brian said, quoting the familiar line.  He stood up and took his plate to the kitchen and began putting the leftovers away. 

Justin followed him and brought his plate to the kitchen and placed it in the dishwasher.  He helped Brian put away the leftovers and clean the counters.  When they were done, they returned to the living room.

"I think it's time to explore that beautiful mouth of yours. Come over here,"  Brian said as he patted the cushion next to him.  Justin joined Brian on the couch and they made out for a while.

TBC 

Monday evening Brian went to the AA meeting and he brought his conflict sheet with him.  After the meeting, he and Cleo went to the coffee shop around the corner for their weekly get-together.

After sitting down Brian and Cleo looked at the menu and waited for the waitress to take their order.  She delivered a pot of coffee to the table a few minutes later.

"Your order will be up shortly.  We're a little short-staffed tonight," the waitress explained as she poured the coffee into their cups.  

"That's fine.  We're in no hurry," Cleo said as he took a packet of sugar and tore it open, pouring the contents into his cup.  He turned to Brian and asked, "So, how are you?  You haven't called in a few days.  I was getting concerned."

"Work's been crazy and my son's mother has been hounding me about a summer program that I signed him up for,'  Brian said, giving just the bare minimum information to Cleo.

"So you've had some stressors lately.  How did you handle them?" Cleo asked, not requesting any further information about the incident.  He felt that if Brian wanted to share the specifics of the situation, he would have done so.  He was Brian's sponsor and was there to help him with his sobriety, not to solve his everyday issues.  

Brian smiled as he related the story to Cleo. ".... So you see, your tutelage is already paying off.  Deep breathing and walking around do actually work.  It's not that I questioned your guidance, but when I first heard it, it seemed so easy and I didn't think anything would be that easy.  I should have trusted that you would not give me bad advice,'  Brian said as he poured the second creamer into his cup of coffee.

Cleo smiled.  "I felt the same way when my sponsor told me about deep breathing and journaling.  I'm glad that they are working for you."  

Brian fished in his suit coat and brought out the pages with his reflection exercise on them. "And I worked on these too.  I picked them up at a meeting last week.  I guess it's like journaling but instead of me writing whatever comes to mind, I have a little more guidance.  Do you want to read what I wrote?"  Brian asked, anxious for Cleo to read his work.  It felt like turning in a homework assignment, but without the grading portion. He held out the papers for Cleo.

Cleo shook his head.  "If you want to talk about them, I'm all ears, but these are for you.  Do you want to talk about them?"

Brian brought the papers back toward him and quickly read them.  "I guess I already told you about the incident, so you have some background."  Brian thought for a few moments and then said, "Yeah.  I think I do want to talk about them.  I mean Justin, my former sponsor helped me see how my feelings were affecting my drinking.  I... I think..."  Brian stumbled, unclear what he was really asking for from Cleo.  "Just read them and tell me your thoughts."  Brian handed the papers to Cleo.

Cleo took the proffered pages, read through them and spent a few moments thinking before he said, "It seems that you resent Lindsay for questioning your ability to parent your son."

"Yeah,"

"So, Brian, let's take this a little further.  In the past when you resented someone, what did you do?  And how is that different today?"

"I never resented anyone in the past since I didn't allow myself to care what others thought,'  Brian said, explaining how his life was different now.

"Okay, but it's different now. What did you do when she confronted you?  I assume she didn't just leave it when you told her that you were going to put your son in a summer program?"

Brian took a sip of his coffee.  "I guess I really should have started out with the end of the story rather than the beginning.  She marched into my office, demanding an answer and I had her removed by security.  After her interruption, I finished the phone call I was on and then opened my desk drawer where I used to keep my stash of liquor.  I knew it was empty but I don't know why I opened it.  I wasn't in the habit of drinking in the middle of the day and wasn't about to start now.  I'm angry that I opened the drawer, looking for a bottle even though that wasn't  something I would have done in the past."

"You didn't revert to old behaviors, so what is still bothering you about the incident?"  Cleo asked, realizing that Brian wasn't as forthcoming as he could be.  Cleo finished his coffee and poured himself another cup. 

Brian looked at Cleo and didn't immediately respond.  Instead, he poured himself another cup of coffee, and placed creamer in it and a packet of sugar, finishing by stirring the mixture together.  He gently blew over the top, cooling the liquid, and then took a tentative sip.  After a few additional sips he said, "I guess it's that I am disappointed in myself that I opened the drawer.  I thought I was beyond that type of response."

Cleo nodded in understanding.  "Brian, how long had you been drinking before you decided to get sober?"  

Brian thought about the number, never before consciously adding the years up, and said, "I've been drinking since I was 16.  So...  24 years give or take."

"24 years of hiding your feelings and 24 years of responding to difficulties by drinking is not going to go away after 7 or 8 months.  I'd be more worried if you told me that the incident didn't faze you.  Every day, every moment, and every event is an excuse to drink.  You handled this incident using your coping mechanisms and you are understandably proud of yourself.  Up to this point, I'm sure you had events happen where you wanted to drink, but maybe this is the first one where you are aware that you used a coping strategy,"  Cleo said as he smiled at Brian.   "You're responding just like you are supposed to be."

Brian felt a sense of pride at Cleo's praise.  He'd been proud of his accomplishments at work, but being proud of his sobriety was not something he'd ever thought about.  He always strived to be a leader.

The waitress brought their food and Brian was busy eating his salad for a few minutes.  He was thinking about Cleo's statements as he ate.  "You're telling me that eventually making these types of decisions will seem second nature and I won't think about it?"  

Cleo finished chewing the bite of hamburger that he'd ordered and then said, "No and yes.  The decisions will come easier, but you will probably always be aware that you are making them.  The difference is that you won't analyze each decision, trying not to be angry that you had to make a choice.  One day, you will realize that you've made the decision not to drink for a really long time and hopefully, you've come to realize that your life is better for it."

"My life is already better for it.  I see Gus a lot more and I met Justin.  Both of those things have made stopping drinking well worth it,"  Brian said as he got a faraway look in his eye.

"Speaking of Justin, we talked the other day about what would happen if one of us started drinking again.  I know you and I talked about expectations and knowing what the other person's expectations were.  I took your words to heart and we had that conversation.  I can honestly tell you that I have never talked so much in my life.  It's really still so new to me,"  Brian said, happy to share another example of how his conversations with Cleo were impacting his life.

Cleo ate a few more bites of his burger and then said, " Good.  I'm glad that you are talking and have thought about some of your expectations.  I hope this works out for you." Cleo still had his reservations regarding Brian and his former sponsor starting a dating relationship, but it was not his place to forbid it.  His job was to support Brian in his sobriety and be there if Brian needed his help to stay away from drinking.  

"Brian.  Let's go back to the worksheet for a moment.  What are some other people, places, etc that you resent?  Recognizing your feelings helps you identify some potential triggers.  It helps if you think about things before they happen so you're not blindsided,"  Cleo said, hoping Brian was willing to explore this topic a little more.  While his role was to support Brian in his sobriety, he felt that helping him explore his triggers and his feelings was an important part of the journey.  AA was not a formal treatment like a person would get if they went to an Addiction Center, and therefore the person was subject to the whims and thoughts of the different AA meeting leaders.  He'd found that there were areas that needed to be discussed that weren't always covered in meetings.  It didn't help that people attended a lot of different meetings, especially if you were someone who wanted to attend a daily meeting.  Most groups met once a week and if a person wanted something more often, they would either have to be involved with a treatment program or would have to find additional groups.  There was some inherent inconsistency in that model.

"Until the other day when we were handed the list, I hadn't really thought about it, but I've had the sheet for almost a week and I came up with a number of things.  First,"  Brian touched his forefinger on his right hand.  "I resent my parents.  My dad was a drunk and so was my mom, but neither one of them really was interested in parenting.  My dad used me to take out his frustrations.  I resent being hit to make up for his inadequacies and I resent her negligence in not protecting me."  He continued by touching his second finger.  "Two,  I resent Debbie for saying I was always welcome but never taking the extra step to report my Dad.  If she had taken that extra step, then maybe the beatings would have stopped."  Touching his ring finger, he continued.  "Third, I resent being used as a bank.  True, I didn't really want to be a dad, but once Gus was born, Lindsay only saw me as a way to pay her way by using Gus as an excuse to get money from me."  He touched his pinky.  "I resent Mikey for making it his business to get me home safely when I was drunk rather than trying to prevent me from drinking myself into a stupor." He started to move to his other hand, but stopped and looked Cleo in the eye and said, "There are a lot of things I resent about my life, but I really think I resent my "family" and my adopted family for not being there.  Does that make any sense at all?"  Brian moved the pieces of lettuce in his salad around, not really trying to stab any of them to eat them.  He just looked down at the food while he waited for Cleo to talk.  

"Brian, look at me,"  Cleo said before he started talking.  He waited to see if Brian would obey his request and was pleased when just a few moments passed before Brian looked up from his plate.

"Of course it makes sense, but that isn't really what is important here.  I'm curious if you have ever voiced to yourself or out loud to anyone these statements?"  Cleo asked, understanding how this moment was really pivotal in Brian's recovery.  He too had experienced similar things to what Brian was sharing and had known that Brian had sought him out to be his sponsor for just that reason.  He knew the importance of his question, even if Brian had not understood its true meaning.

"No.  Why should I?  I mean I can't change what happened.  That is why I have a motto of no apologies, no regrets.  Nothing can be changed that is already done, so why bother talking about it,"  Brian said, feeling proud of his motto and hoping that Cleo would see the inherent benefit of applying it to life.

"Brian, remember we talked about how alcoholics lie all the time.  We lie to ourselves, to our friends, to our families.  We lie about how much alcohol we drink, we lie about how much we think about alcohol, and we lie about how much we think about where our next opportunity to drink will come.  Do you remember that talk?"  Cleo asked, knowing that Brian would in fact remember it as he was a very smart and astute man.

"Of course, but we're not talking about drinking here.  We're talking about resentments. They have nothing in common,"  Brian said, trying to follow Cleo's line of thought.

"Ah, but you're wrong.  They have everything to do with each other. It sounds like you resented almost everyone and everything in your life.  All that resentment builds up and since you had no way to dissipate it, you drank.  You drowned your disappointment and resentment in a bottle of whiskey.  Well, many bottles of whiskey.  If you didn't have to deal with your feelings then you didn't have to be accountable," Cleo explained how the two were connected.

Brian looked at Cleo, the surprise on his face evident to even the most casual observer.  "Oh,"  Brian said. He continued to look at Cleo as Cleo had told him to do, watching Cleo's face as he watched his own.  He saw a man who was genuinely interested in his response.  This wasn't like sitting in the diner with the "boyz" while they were guessing which actor was the preferred sexual conquest. This conversation meant something and Cleo was obviously interested in what he had to say.  "I guess you've got a point.  So, does that mean that I need to identify every resentment I have as a trigger so that I won't drink when confronted with it in the future?"

"I can't tell you what to do, but I think this worksheet can be as helpful as you want it to be.  Understanding and recognizing your resentments will help you work through your feelings.  Working through your feelings will help you handle your feelings in the future.  Success breeds success.  You haven't had to learn how to deal with many feelings and when you were presented with them, you always turned to the bottle.  You are going to have to build yourself some coping skills but also learn that feelings are an essential part of life."

"I hate this,"  Brian said, putting his hand over the sheets of paper that lie on the table to the side of his plate.  "I don't want to have to psychoanalyze every last thing in my life.  I asked Justin if we could just have fun and not worry about talking everything to death.  He told me that talking and working through things is part of a relationship.  Ted even told me that Lindsay had a right to ask about Gus' welfare.  And now you are telling me that I have to face all my life, work through everything that could be a problem when it comes to drinking, and figure out a solution."  Brian ran his hand over the top of his head and then pinched the bridge of his nose as he heard the frustration in his own voice.

"Brian, life is more meaningful when you make it that way,"  Cleo said, wanting to de-escalate Brian's frustration before he gave up.  "Living a full life is more than just going through the motions; going to work, going to the gym, watching a movie.  Your life is as rich and full as you make it."  Cleo looked around at the other patrons in the diner and spotted a couple of people that were seated next to the window.  He tilted his head toward them and said, "Look at that couple sitting over by the window.  They appear to be deep in conversation.  They don't appear to be having an argument, but they are actively listening to each other.  See how they are leaning toward each other and their hands are moving as they talk.  They're engaging in life.  They might be talking about work, a coworker, or a friend, but regardless of their topic, they are actively engaging each other. Relationships are about sharing, not just the good stuff, but even the mundane things like getting stuck in traffic." 

Brian thought about Cleo's explanation and said, "Sort of like we're doing.  We are talking and sharing and while the main purpose is about my sobriety, other topics get included."  Brian nodded as he mentally congratulated himself.  

"Exactly.  Think about it this way, Brian.  If you and Justin hadn't started spending as much time as you did together, you wouldn't be trying to see if you two could be more than friends.  Talking builds connections."

"I hadn't thought about it in that way, but I guess it makes sense.  I just never really spent much time developing friendships."  Brian admitted, but then contemplated his statement.   "But maybe I'm wrong."  Brian grinned and added, "Wow.  I would have never admitted to being wrong before I started this journey."  He paused and started again.  "What I think is that I did have friends who were interested in talking; I just never gave them the opportunity.  I talk to Ted all the time.  Sure, it's mostly about sobriety things but I've sought him out a few times for other stuff lately.  I find that I value his input."

Cleo nodded and smiled at Brian.  He waved his hand back and forth between the two of them.  "While our relationship is based on my sponsorship, I feel that you are telling me things as well.  Sharing enriches friendships and your life."

Brian finished his salad and poured himself another cup of coffee.  He was learning so much.  "Evidently sobriety is a lot bigger than just not drinking.  It's a remake of someone's whole life."  

Cleo nodded and smiled at Brian, thrilled at Brian's statement.  "Sobriety doesn't happen in a vacuum.  What you do in one part of your life spills over to other parts of your life too."  Cleo finished his burger and ate a few french fries.  The fries had grown cold and even the ketchup that he dipped them in could not add enough taste to continue eating them.  He glanced at his watch but didn't mention the time.  He didn't want Brian to feel pressured to leave their conversation until he was ready.

Brian took another sip of his coffee and looked around the diner.  When they had arrived, about half of the tables were filled with patrons, but now the dining room was almost empty with only one other table occupied. He saw the waitress grabbing the ketchup, salt, and pepper shakers and sliding to the edge of the table in order to refill them.  She had a cart with a giant bottle of ketchup, a canister of salt, and a canister of pepper on it, and was refilling the bottles from the tables as there were few patrons for her to assist.  

"I think it's time for us to leave.  Seems like we are about the only ones left,"  Brian said as he waved the waitress over to their table.

"Check please,"  Brian said and she nodded, fishing out the two checks from her pockets. 

"You can pay me when you're ready."

"Thank you,"  Cleo said as he reached for his wallet.

Brian reached for his wallet as well and both men picked up their respective checks, paying for their meals.

"As always, thanks for another thought-provoking evening.  I'll call tomorrow and check in,"  Brian said, letting Cleo know that he recognized that he'd been lax in his check-ins.

"Brian, I encourage you to check in, but ultimately it is your journey. If you don't want to check in every day, that is your choice.  There is no sobriety police.  We've talked about that,"  Cleo said, reminding him of his motto.

"I know that but I think it is important at this stage of my journey.  After tonight, I sort of feel like I'm starting my journey all over,"  Brian said.

Cleo scrunched up his eyes slightly and asked,  "I don't understand. Can you explain?"

"Sure.  After tonight I finally realized that everything is intertwined.  My sobriety impacts everything I do.  I mean I understood that before, but I'm beginning to appreciate that my life has been impacted by my drinking and now I have to really look at everything in my life and figure out how to do life without drinking."  Brian said, trying to explain his thoughts.  "That sounds weird since I've been living without alcohol for 8 months,"  Brian added.

Cleo smiled and nodded his head, and then waved his arm in a wide arc. "You've been so focused on not taking that first drink and now you are really starting to look at all your life.  Welcome to your new life, Brian."

Brian smiled at Cleo's gesture.  "Thanks.  I think it's looking like a great one.  Now, we better get going as it getting late.  I'm sure the waitress would like to clean our table and take a break before the late-night crowd comes in.  Besides, I'm used to getting to work at a reasonable hour, and at this rate, I may not get to bed until much later than usual.  As always, thanks again."  Brian stood up and waited for Cleo to do the same so they could walk out of the diner together.  

Brian drove home from the diner and his mind was racing with thoughts.  When he got home he checked the mail and changed into his loungewear.  He went to the bookshelf, pulled out his journal, retrieved his special pen, and sat down at his desk to write.

Life is interesting,  What a statement.  I don't think, well I know that I would have never thought to write a statement like that 8 months ago.  But I do so tonight with the reality that my life is interesting.  Before my sobriety started, my only goal was to get away from my abusive parents, and once I did that my next goal was to be successful at my job so that I could have beautiful things in my life.  Beyond either of those things, I did not have any goals and just existed.  Sure, my days were full; going to work, going to Babylon, getting my dick sucked....But that wasn't living.  After my talk tonight with Cleo I realize that living is different.  It involved interacting with people and caring about those people.  

I interacted with lots of people, but there were few of those interactions that I really cared about.  Gus was even just a little blip on my radar.  When I wrapped my car around that tree, it was a wake-up call and the only person I really thought about was him.  I think subconsciously I was always interested in my relationship with him but I was scared that I would screw it up.  I had no role model to learn what a good parent was and all I did know was what a bad parent was.  I didn't want to subject him to the childhood that I endured so I just didn't make myself available to him.  Now, I can't imagine what my life would be without him.  

Cleo pushes me to look at how alcohol impacted my whole life.  I never realized that it really stopped me from living.  I don't think that I was really that naive and oblivious to the impact alcohol had on me, so maybe that statement isn't 100% true.  

I learned at an early age that my parents didn't care about me and even when Debbie came into my life, she had parameters that she was comfortable in.  She felt comfortable helping address my scrapes and wounds, but she wasn't comfortable standing up for me or reporting my dad to the authorities; therefore giving me some really mixed messages. She knew I was being hurt and she enjoyed taking care of me, but she wouldn't take that extra step to help stop it.  Maybe it made her feel important to help, but since none of the adults in my life protected me, I guess I learned that I had to fend for myself.  To me, protecting myself in any way I could was what life was about.  I internalized the message that I wasn't important and my feelings didn't count.

Wow!  I learned that I wasn't worth protecting - ie I wasn't important enough. But also I learned that drinking was a way to hide from your life.  I did the only thing I knew how to do.  I drank to protect myself from life.  

Brian put down the pen and reread his entry.  A sadness washed over him as he read his thoughts.  "I didn't think I was worthy,"  he said aloud, voicing his thoughts.  A lone tear started to form in his eye, but he wiped it away with the back of his hand.  He picked up the pen again and started to write.

But I stopped drinking and I thank whatever power that is in the universe that I did.  I'm learning that people like me and care about me.  I'm learning that I can be a good father and Gus loves spending time with me.  I'm learning that there is a whole world out there that I can enjoy and that alcohol doesn't have to be around to enjoy it.  I'm learning that people are willing to do things for me when I ask because they are my friend.  I'm learning that there are people who want to see me succeed.  I'm learning that having feelings is a part of life and that feelings don't have to all be bad.  But most of all, I'm learning how to interact with people and open myself up to those interactions.

I've learned so much in the last 8 months and I know I'll continue to learn.  Justin has helped me learn a lot about myself and I think, well I know that his enthusiasm about being the best me and learning about myself has opened up my world.  

Cleo and Justin are great teachers and I can't wait to see where my life leads me.

Brian put down the pen and reread his entry.  He was still saddened by the early portions but was excited about the next adventure.  He closed the book, put it back on the shelf, and placed the pen in the drawer. 

He checked that the alarm was on and the door was locked, and then got ready for bed.  It was late but he knew he would sleep well as he looked forward to the next day in his sobriety journey.

TBC

Another week went by and Brian was busy at Kinnetic but made time to attend an AA meeting before he picked up Gus for the weekend.  He was looking forward to the weekend and to spending time with Gus and Justin.  Except for those awkward few weeks following Justin's declaration, he had spent the weekends with both of them. 

Brian waited in line at the school pick-up circle and since he was now a regular driver, the school no longer asked for his ID to verify that he was on the approved list to pick up Gus.  He was pleased that he had now garnered that status in the eyes of Gus' school and wished that LInds and Mel had the same respect for his rights when it came to Gus. As he pulled up to the circle, he waved at the woman with the clipboard, and Gus quickly opened the door to the car, throwing his backpack onto the floorboards. 

"Hey, Dad.  Are we going to the store before we go home or did you pick up something already?"  Gus asked, used to their Friday afternoon routines.  He put on his seatbelt and nodded at his father that he was ready to leave.

Brian smiled at Gus and pulled the car out of the circle drive.  Brian thought about the changes in his life in the last six months.  He never envisioned himself as part of the carpool crowd, waiting in line to pick up his kid from school and then shopping for groceries for the upcoming weekend. Sobriety had truly done a 180 on his lifestyle.  Hell, he was even dating, an act that he never thought he would desire or contemplate. 

Brian drove toward the local Whole Foods store, an upscale grocery in the area.  While Brian's lifestyle may have changed, his taste for the best in life had not.  He gladly paid the prices for premium options. 

"What recipe did you and Emmett decide on for this week?  Do we need any special ingredients?"

"I think we're good. We've been buying spices and stuff for a while now.  I think just the chicken and stuff for breakfast.  I think I finished the box of cereal last weekend,"  Gus answered. 

"Dad, I've been thinking about the programs you signed me up for this summer.  The art program sounds really cool.  Maybe Justin could give me some pointers," Gus asked, hoping that his father would agree.

"I think he probably would be happy to do that but you should ask him.  He'll be over tonight.  You can ask him then," Brian said, smiling as he thought about spending the weekend with Gus and Justin. 

Gus bounced in his seat a little at the news.  "Thanks, Dad.  I hoped you would say yes." He liked doing things with his Dad and Justin and Justin had shown him so much about art."

"After I signed you up, I got a few emails from the art program telling me about some after-school opportunities.  Maybe, if you like camp, we could sign you up for some of those."

"You mean I could do something during the school year?  That is so cool. Mom is always telling me how expensive stuff is and that  I can't do everything."  Gus said, repeating some of the common laments that his mothers used when he was asking for things.

"Gus, remember I'll pay for anything you need.  We talked about this.  If there is something you want or need, just ask.  Now, I'm not saying you will get everything, but you are my kid,"  Brian said, feeling angry at Mel and Linds for using their lack of funds to deny Gus' activities. Previously, Linds had asked him for a lot of money for Gus and evidently, the money wasn't going for things for Gus at all.  He was happy that he'd stopped giving them money for Gus and taken over that responsibility.  He never wanted Gus to feel like he did when he was a child, afraid to ask for what he wanted for fear of getting struck down, both literally and figuratively. 

Gus thought for a moment and asked, "So, if I told you I wanted the Millenium Falcon Lego set you'd buy it?" 

Brian sensed this was no ordinary request.  "And how much does this Lego set cost?"

Gus hesitated before responding.  "Um....  I think like $130 for the small one, but the tabletop one is $800." 

Brian thought for a moment before answering.  "Well, that is a pretty big ask.  Maybe, we'd have to talk about it.  I assume since you are asking, you wanted the big one?"

"It would be pretty cool Dad.  We could spend time together putting it together,"  Gus said, trying to convince his father that this was a worthwhile purchase.

"It would be cool, true, but I don't think that is something I'd buy right now.  I do have limits.  After all, I work for my money and if you wanted something that big, you would need to contribute at least part of the purchase price."  Brian felt like he was in a negotiation rather than talking with his son.  As time went on, he was thankful that he'd chosen sobriety as a result of Gus.  Gus enriched his life beyond anything he could imagine. 

"I didn't really think you meant anything.  I was just checking.  Besides, there are like a million pieces to it and I don't think I'd have room in my room at your place to store it while we were building it.  I don't think we could really move it back and forth between the living area and my room.  I guess I'll have to wait till I have space to build it."  Gus said, half taking out loud and letting Brian know that he was really just testing him.  Evidently, Brian had passed the test as Gus did not appear upset.

"What kind of programs do they offer in the afternoon?  Are there any photography programs?"  Gus asked, putting the idea of the Millenium Falcom to rest for now.

"I don't remember all of them, but we could check them out later. Right now we need to buy food for the weekend.  Justin will be coming over tonight and he'll eat with us tomorrow too, so we better buy enough.  Maybe we can even cook enough that I'll have leftovers for a few days.  I'm finding I like not eating out at the diner every night kind of nice."

Gus and Brian shopped and brought the food home.  After dinner was cooking, Brian went to the computer and he and Gus looked at the different offerings the school mentioned.  The buzzer rang while they were looking at the computer. 

Brian smiled and said, "That must be Justin."  He walked over to the intercom and pushed the button. 

Justin said, "It's me.  Buzz me up." 

Brian opened the sliding door to the loft and waited while the elevator came up to the loft.  He waited for Justin to walk out and waited until he reached the door to engulf him in a hug and quick kiss on the cheek. 

"I signed Gus up for a summer program and the school sent us information about after-school opportunities. Gus and I were looking at the options.  Brian explained as he pointed to the many open tabs on the computer monitor. 

"I remember my mom and dad discussing summer programs when I was your age, Gus.  I wanted to go to the art program and my dad wanted me to go to soccer camp and then when I got older he wanted me to go to some fancy entrepreneurial activity,"  Justin said.

"What's entrepre....?"  Gus asked, not able to get the long tongue twister out of his mouth.

"Entrepreneurial is someone who owns their own business.  It takes a special set of skills to own your own company," Brian explained. "Entrepreneurial.  I take it your Dad is a businessman?"

"Yeah.  You ever heard of Taylor Electronics?  That's my dad," Justin said and quickly added, "But my mom knew I wanted to be an artist and enrolled me in art camp instead.  I'm thankful she at least supported me there," Justin said, a little bitterness in his voice. 

Brian remembered a few mentions of Justin's mother and father in their many talks but didn't push him to talk more, deciding that later might be a better time.

"So you went to art camp?  Is that where you learned all about painting?  Did you learn about photography there?" Gus asked, curious about Justin's experience.  "I've always just gone to the GLC.  I think it would be really cool to do something else."

"You know Gus, I just know I've always wanted to draw.  I constantly want to pick up a pencil and draw what I see.  I'm sure the summer programs helped, but I can't tell you where I learned to draw."  Justin clicked on several tabs and looked at the information about the different programs.  "Here's a really cool one, Gus. It's a year-long program and they change classes every 2 months.   You'd get lots of different activities and you wouldn't have to choose."

Gus looked at the information on the screen.  "Dad, this one is really cool. Can I do this one?"  Gus asked as he looked at the price, hoping his Dad would agree and not think it was too much money.  Brian and he smiled.

"This might work, but I think we would have to talk to your Moms about it.  There would be some planning on picking you up.  I learned my lesson when I signed you up for the art thing this summer," Brian said, acknowledging that he did have to coordinate with Gus' moms.  While he could foot the bill, there were other things to take into consideration, something that Brian hadn't considered.  "Well, I think we can save this option, but we can keep looking.  Thanks, Justin for pointing this one out."

The timer dinged in the kitchen and Gus said, "Chicken's ready.  Let's go make a salad and can we have that crusty bread, Dad?"

The three of them went to the kitchen to finish dinner preparations, working together like a well-oiled machine.  Brian wondered if this is what it was like with all families.  They ate dinner and Gus regaled them with the latest events from school and soccer practice.  After dinner, Gus asked if he could play on his Nintendo Switch while Brian and Justin put the food away.  "After all, Dad, you're the one who wanted extra food so you wouldn't have to cook every day."

Brian just laughed at Gus' observation and told him, "Sure."

Brian and Justin were putting away the food when Brian came up to Justin and motioned for him to put down the container that he had filled with the extra chicken. Justin put the container down and turned toward Brian reaching out for a hug.

Brian hugged him and then opened his mouth for a kiss.  He quickly lost himself in Justin's scent and the feel of his body pressed against his own.  Soon Brian found himself running his hands over Justin's back, never going beyond his waist.  Tongues were exploring each other's mouths and each man was inhaling the scent of the other. 

"Hey, Dad.  I just got Mario across that crazy tower,"  Gus yelled out excited to have beat that difficult maneuver.  He didn't hear a response and looked toward the kitchen seeing his Dad and Justin kissing. He quickly turned away as he did not really want to see that, and returned to his game, hoping they would be joining him soon.

In the back of Brian's head, he heard Gus yell out to him and reluctantly pulled away from Justin.  "I heard Gus.  I guess we better finish up in here and join him. Maybe we could come back to this?"  Brian waved his hand between him and Justin, all the time wondering when he became awkward about kissing. 

They quickly finished up in the kitchen and joined Gus in the living room.  Gus looked at the two men, not sure what he was expecting, and didn't see anything different about them except for their smiles as they looked at each other.

"Dad, are you guys dating?  I mean I know you said you didn't date but I saw you kissing Justin in the kitchen and I've never seen you kiss anyone but Uncle Mikey and that is always just a quick kiss on the lips.  You guys looked like Mom and Momma do,"  Gus asked.  

Justin looked toward Brian waiting to see what he would tell Gus.  While they had talked about seeing where their relationship/ friendship would lead they had kept it to themselves. 

"Gus.  I like Justin and he likes me.  We like spending time together," Brian said, not really answering the question.  While he and Justin had discussed dating, they hadn't said anything to Gus. He felt comfortable with Justin and there was definitely a sexual attraction there but they had not really explored that option in-depth and he wasn't sure when that would occur.  Dating was such a formal idea and he was not really sure how to respond to Gus' inquiry. 

"But you were kissing him like Mom and Momma do.  Doesn't that mean you are dating?  I mean I think that would be cool.  I like Justin,"  Gus said as he smiled at Justin and then returned his gaze to his father.  "I think it would be really cool if you guys were dating.  But he's around a lot anyway,"  Gus said, making his own observations.  "Justin, Dad signed me up for this really cool art program and now he's going to sign me up for a Lego program too.  It's that cool.  Do you like to play with Legos?" 

Justin grinned at Gus' quick change in conversational topic, accepting that he just wanted to know his current status of Justin in his life.  He doubted that Gus had any real notion of what dating was and Justin thought that Brian's answer fits their situation well.  He already knew he liked Brian and dating was meant to figure that out.  I guess they were beyond the mere initial dating phase, but he really didn't know how to define what they were doing. 

"I didn't play with Legos a lot when I was a kid.  I was always asking for new art supplies.  I'd get really excited when my mom would take me to the art store. To me, that was my own personal toy store.  When I got a new set of pencils or new tubes of paint, I'd start to dream of the new project I'd create when I got home.  My mom even had a little corner of the sunroom set aside for my art supplies.  I couldn't really paint in my room since I needed a lot of natural light,"  Justin said, sharing a favorite childhood memory.

"So.. you knew when you were a kid that you wanted to be an artist?  How old were you when you started to paint?"  Gus asked, fascinated by Justin's story. 

"I don't know that I consciously knew I wanted to be an artist as a kid, I was just drawn to art.  I remember being little, maybe in kindergarten, and finger painting.  All the other kids loved the feel of the paint on their hands, but I was fascinated by how the colors mixed together.  I saw how the colors changed when you added more of one color than the other.  Mind you, I was only probably 5 at the time so I didn't understand what that meant.  I just knew I liked the pretty colors and loved making pictures,"  Justin said, reminiscing about his first formal art experience.

"I don't know what I want to do.  I love Legos and building things but I like photography too.  And now that you showed me how to really look at a painting, I like that too,"  Gus said, a little disappointed in himself that he did not know his path like Justin.  "Dad, what about you?  Did you know you wanted to be in advertising when you were a kid?"

Brian let out a big laugh at the question.  "Sonny Boy, I probably had no idea what advertising was until I got to college.  When I was a kid I rode my bike, played soccer, and generally tried to be away from home.  I took a business class in college and the professor suggested that I take a class in advertising. That's how it worked for me,"  Brian answered, hoping Gus would accept the answer at face value."

Justin watched Brian as he answered Gus, hearing the quick segue from childhood memories to a college class.  Brian had mentioned having a difficult childhood but didn't really talk about it.  He had not pushed him when he was his sponsor feeling that it wasn't relevant to any specific discussion, but now he was curious.  He was trying to get to know Brian, not as his sponsor but as a person with whom he might pursue a long-term relationship and he wanted to know all there was to know about him. He realized that he also owed Brian the same courtesy when sharing his past as well.  They had a lot to discuss and share, but they had time.  There was no syllabus as he so frequently reminded Brian.

‘I guess I have time to figure it out, then.  Do you have to wait till Monday to sign me up, Dad?"  Gus said, feeling less stressed about his choice of career.

"No, we can do it any time.  That is the beauty of online registration. Remember we have to talk to your moms first." Brian assured his son. "That will give you some time to think about what you really want to do."

"What are we doing tomorrow, Dad?"  Gus asked as he looked between Justin and his father.  Saturdays had become outing days and the three of them had been exploring Pittsburg almost every Saturday.  They'd been doing this for a while and Gus always looked forward to their adventures.  When no one spoke up, Gus said, "Can we go back to the park and practice taking pictures?  It's supposed to be warmer and people should be there.

Brian shrugged and Justin didn't offer an opinion.  "The park it is.  Justin, you live closer to the park than we do, but I assume we will be going to AA in the evening, and then you'll join us for dinner again?  So, why don't you just meet us here?  10:00 good for you?"  Brian said as he thought about the logistics and shared his thoughts. 

"That works for me.  Gus, we can practice taking pictures of the three of us and there is a sculpture park nearby.  Shooting people is always challenging since you want them to look natural and not posed," Justin said, sharing with Gus.

"That would be cool.  I hadn't thought of that.  It would be fun to take pictures of things besides plants and trees.  I hope we can get some really cool pictures," Gus said, already thinking of the things that he wanted to photograph.

"Gus, it's about time for bed. Why don't you get ready and I'll be in there in a few minutes," Brian said as he saw Gus try to stifle a yawn.

Gus said, "Okay, but I'm really not that tired.  Can't I stay up a little longer?"

"Gus," Brian said as he shook his head.  Gus knew not to argue with his father and reluctantly got off the couch and went to get ready for bed.

When he left the room, Brian said, "I'll be back in a few minutes, why don't you start a pot of coffee."

Justin nodded and went to the kitchen and set up the coffee maker to make a pot of decaf.  He got down the mugs and took out the creamer and sugar.  He didn't have to ask Brian where the items were as he'd been in the kitchen many times.  When he finished the preparations, he returned to the living area, having grabbed two bottles of water.

Brian returned a few minutes later.  Justin handed him a bottle of water and he sat down on the opposite end of the couch from Justin.

"Dinner was good.  I think we'll have fun at the park and I can't wait to show Gus how to photograph people. So many people just pose for pictures.  We can take pictures of the three of us but should stay away from taking photos of other people.  Some people take offense if you take their picture without permission."  Justin took a sip of his water and then asked, "So Gus thinks we are dating? We talked a little about it last week, but we never talked about Gus." 

Brian was expecting the question, having thought about Gus' comment even after he gave him an answer. "What exactly is there to talk about?  I mean that was an interesting observation from Gus.  I didn't expect him to ask about us, but I guess seeing us kiss got him thinking."

"I think there is a difference between dating and a relationship.  Dating is when you spend time with a person but they are not your primary commitment.  You've got friends, family, work, etc in your life but the person you're dating is just another aspect of your life. I mean you can date several people at once. Dating is a lot less casual than being in a relationship.  Dating, for me, is exploration, getting to know the person to see if you want to move into a relationship.  Last week we talked about sex and relationships and now we are exploring things further.  That is what dating is about."  Justin felt really comfortable discussing this topic with Brian.  He was happy that Brian was willing to explore the topic. He took a sip of his water as he heard the familiar gurgle of the coffee maker in the background.  He twirled his bottle in his hand and then put it on the coaster on the coffee table.

"When you are in a relationship, everything you do revolves around that person and how it will impact them.  You make plans for the future.  You think about them and how your actions will impact them," Justin explained his views on dating and relationships.  The explanation wasn't something he had ever put into words, but he had been thinking about this topic a lot lately.  Now that Brian was aware of his feelings, he felt comfortable and was eager to explore this opportunity.  He just hoped that the two of them were ready to date and that he wouldn't miss the opportunity because one or the other of them was not in a place to explore a possible relationship.

Brian listened to Justin's explanation and nodded. "I guess we are dating, but maybe we're more than that.  I mean I have no interest in seeing anyone else at this time and I like being with you," Brian said as he explained his thoughts.   "I've never dated or been in a relationship.  All I ever did was get my rocks off and I had a rule that I never did any guy twice.  Most of the time I didn't even know their name.  Pretty anonymous." Brian was not apologetic about his past behavior as it didn't impact Justin.  He had come to realize that his philosophy of no apologies, no regrets was a coping mechanism to avoid feelings of remorse but now he realized that he did regret things and he had to take responsibility for his actions.

Justin cringed a little at Brian's harsh statement regarding his former interactions with men, but he knew that Brian had changed.  He'd been with Brian almost every day for the last 7 months, except for that week following his kiss, and felt that Brian no longer had anonymous sex and had come to realize that his actions were not typical.

"While I said that dating meant that you could see other people, some people only ever date one person at a time.  I think it's hard to give a relationship a chance to grow if you are trying to keep track of a bunch of people and their interests.  I mean, I'd rather get to know one person really well rather than 3 or four guys a little.  It just never made a lot of sense to me to date more than one person.  It's like going to 3 restaurants to eat one dinner.  You go to one place for the appetizer, another for the main course, and a third for dessert.  No one really likes everything about another person but you have to find enough things in common to want to be with them,"  Justin said, explaining his philosophy of dating.

"Since I've never dated I can't say which way I like.  However, I do know that I like you and that is good enough for me.  Gus asked if we were dating and we talked a little about it last week.  I think the answer is a definite yes.  And on that note, why don't you come over here so we can finish that kiss we started in the kitchen?"  Brian said as he gave a huge grin and licked his lips in anticipation. 

"Sounds like a plan,"  Justin said and he scooted toward Brian to continue their earlier kiss.

Justin stayed for another hour and they enjoyed some coffee and each other's company.  When he left Brian got out his journal and special pen, sat down at his desk, and wrote.

I had a pretty good day.  Work went pretty smoothly for a Friday.  It always seems like some type of emergency occurs at 4:00 pm on a Friday, but since I leave early on Fridays to pick up Gus, I am not there to hear about the emergency.  Maybe I just interpreted the issues as emergencies as a way to justify my drinking at the end of the week.  Well, I always drank, but getting through another week at work was always an even better excuse to over imbibe.  I know Cynthia and Ted would call me if there were a true emergency.  After all, it is my company on the line and they know how I feel about its success.  There are some huge pluses about sobriety.

Gus is a really observant kid.  He saw me and Justin kissing in the kitchen and asked if we were dating since his moms kiss like we were doing.  I've never really thought about the term dating since all I ever cared about was getting my rocks off.  I told him we liked each other and that satisfied him, but when he went to bed, Justin asked me the same question.  We talked about what each of us thought dating was and since I really had no reference point, I just listened to his definition and decided it made sense.  This whole thing about asking other people's opinions is still really new to me.  I always just did what I did and really didn't think about how it impacted anyone else but me.

We talked a little about dating vs relationships and decided we were beyond dating but pushing toward a relationship.  I mean he said that a relationship means that you think about how your actions impact the other person and you do this all the time.  I don't think I'm there yet, but I feel like we are doing more than dating.  Since dating means getting to know the person and I feel that Justin knows me pretty well, I think we are past that.

However, I think maybe he knows me more than I know him.  He knows a lot about my drinking and since he hangs out with Gus and me on weekends, I think we've gotten to know each other pretty well.  But Gus is around a lot when we are together.  Maybe I need to take some time to get to know him when Gus isn't around.  We eat dinner most nights together and now that we don't talk about the meeting as much, I'm beginning to get to know him better.  It's interesting to think that I want to get to know him better.  I've never really been interested in doing that.  Maybe I am ready for this dating/ relationship thing.  It's been 7 months now since I took a drink and my life really has changed a lot.  I imagine that there are still a lot of things to work through and figure out.  I never thought I would be interested in dating or a relationship but I find that at least with Justin that is something I want to explore. 

Brian stopped writing and thought about their make-out session.  He found that he was satisfied with kissing and was somewhat surprised at that.  As Justin frequently reminded him, there was no syllabus for sobriety and he assumed there was no syllabus for dating and relationships.  He yawned and decided to go to bed.  They had a busy day tomorrow and he thought the weekend would be busy as usual.

TBC

Wednesday evening

Brian had just returned from Justin's apartment after another delicious dinner and make-out session.  The conversation had been about their respective day but they had talked a little about a new recipe that Justin found and wanted to try.  It was pleasant but Brian had felt that Justin was wanting something more, especially after their conversation Sunday night.  Brian had checked in with Cleo as promised and thought about their last meeting.  He had already changed into his version of loungewear and returned to his living room where he retrieved the journal and his special pen.

Talking.  Why does everything have to revolve around talking?  Before I stopped drinking, the majority of talking I did was at work.  I met with my staff and prospective clients working on campaigns to convince people to buy the product my client was selling.  I talked to Cynthia about my schedule and whatever else needed to be done and I talked to Ted about the finances.  I talked to the art department about the campaigns, but I stayed away from the lunchroom and water cooler.  I didn't have time or inclination to make idle chit-chat.  

When I would go to the diner, the boyz would have stupid random discussions about which actor, or celebrity they would have sex with or talk about the theme at Babylon for the night. All light-hearted and nothing serious or of consequence. When I was a kid, no one in my house ever talked to me unless it was to tell me to do something.  I really didn't talk to anyone at school either. My efforts were concentrated on studying and soccer, hoping at least one of them would be my ticket out of the house.  When I became friends with Michael, the only thing Michael talked about was his comics.  Thinking back, Michael acted as though the superheroes were actually real people in his world, choosing to live his life through them rather than in the real world.  I can't believe I was ever really friends with him.  

Now, I'm faced with the reality that I'm expected to talk, not just to get my work done, but also to enhance my relationships.  Relationships - what a word.  I can't even break down the word.  Cleo says I should talk as that builds connections.  Justin wants to talk about a shit ton of stuff and says that it is important to know how each of us feels about important issues.  He shut down really fast when I questioned him about the need to talk about everything.  That was the first time that I saw him back away and I didn't like how that made me feel.  

Feelings -  Another hot topic.  I think there should be a warning sign when you walk into AA "BEWARE FEELINGS AHEAD".   I didn't even know that I had feelings.  They've been buried so often and for so long that I just knew that when I drank it felt good.  I could have been celebrating or commiserating, it didn't matter.  I just did it with a bottle instead of a person.  Now, I'm expected to do it with a person.  

Justin hasn't pushed me since the other night, but I guess I really need to take the first step and see what this dating thing is about.  We're always so focused on attending meetings and then we hang out with Gus on the weekends, we have just fallen into a routine.  I think Justin wants something else and I guess as uncomfortable as I am with the idea, I'd like to see what it would be like.  

I remember Gus telling me about some party at his friend's house that he wanted to go to on Friday night.  I think it is next weekend.  I'll call Lindsay and get the details so I can arrange to take him.  He shouldn't miss out just because I have him on weekends.  He has a life too.  Maybe that would be a chance to be with Justin away from a meeting or Gus.  I could test the waters to see how that goes.

Cleo gave me the idea to write in a journal and I see even he is into this talking shit too.  He has me talking to myself by writing down what I'm thinking.  I have to admit it is really helpful to write shit down and it really helps stop the hamsters from running amok.  

I guess my next step is to go on a date with Justin and talk.  

Brian closed the journal, put it back on the shelf, and placed the pen in the drawer.  He got ready for bed and slept peacefully.

After arriving at work and reviewing his day, he called Lindsay.

"Brian, it's awfully early for you to be calling.  Is everything okay?" Lindsay asked, surprised by the call.  Gus had just gotten on the bus for school and she was packing her lunch for work.  "I only have a few minutes but I could meet you for lunch," she said, hoping to finagle a few hours of his time.  She found that he was always more willing to do things when they were sitting in a nice restaurant.  He didn't want to make a scene and usually just agreed to whatever she wanted. She had learned this little trick a long time ago from her mother and used it often to get what she wanted.

"Everything is fine. Gus mentioned there was a birthday party that he'd been invited to next weekend.  I need the specifics so I can get him there."

"Oh," Lindsay said, feeling the disappointment in not being able to get Brian to join her for lunch.  "Yes, he did mention it.  I told him I wasn't sure if he could go since he'd be with you."

"Lindsay,"  Brian said, tamping his initial anger down.  "Of course, he can go. I just need the information about the party so I can get him there.  It's not up to you to decide what he does and doesn't do when he's with me.  I just need to be kept informed.  Now, I'll appreciate and expect you to tell me about any and all upcoming commitments for Gus.  I am his parent and need to make sure he can attend,"  Brian said, gruffly.  He could feel the muscles in his neck and back tense as he discussed Lindsay's failure to keep him informed.  Luckily, Gus did share things with him.  He would have to encourage Gus to keep him up to date as well. "I won't keep you. Goodbye,"  Brian said, dismissing her and the conversation.  

He took several deep breaths and stood up to walk around his office.  He regained his composure and clicked on his email to start his day.  After a few hours, he needed a break.  Picking up his phone, he decided to call Justin.

"Hey,"  Justin answered when he saw the caller ID.  "Everything okay?"  He hesitated to ask Brian why he was calling but decided that he would do so.  "Not like you to call in the middle of the day."

Brian raised his eyes toward the ceiling and shrugged his shoulders despite Justin not being able to see either movement.  "I'm fine.  You know Lindsay said the same thing when I called her this morning. I remembered something Gus said about a party next weekend and since I was thinking about it, I decided to call and ask her.  She said she had told him he might not be able to go since he would be with me.  I explained in very clear terms that he would not miss out on a party just because he was with me,"  Brian could feel his body tensing slightly with the retelling of the conversation.  

"Good for you,"  Justin said, not sure if that was why Brian had called.  He knew Brian would have shared that little tidbit when they met tonight so he was curious as to what else was going on.  He waited for Brian to continue. 

"Now that I have confirmed that Gus has a party next weekend, that means that he won't be with me the entire time.  I was wondering if you would like to go on a date?"  Brian asked Justin, feeling his heart speed up just a little as he spoke what words.  

"A date?"  Justin didn't hesitate, pleased and surprised at the ask.  "Sure.  That would be fun.  When is the party?"  Justin asked, feeling the excitement of going on a date course through his body.  

"I think the party is next Friday night.  Guess the parents want to get it out of the way so they can enjoy their weekend.  I love Gus but I can't imagine having 6 or 7 of him at one time in the same space.  I think it would be exhausting."

Justin laughed.  "I'm sure that you could handle it.  I don't imagine you would tell Gus no if he really wanted a party,"  Justin said in response to Brian's obvious dislike of the idea of a child's birthday party.

"Well?" Brian said, hoping he would not have to repeat his question.

"Of course.  I'd be delighted to go on a date with you.  What do you want to do?"

Brian said, "Oh, I hadn't thought of that part.  I told you dating is a foreign concept for me.  You'll have to help me out here."  Brian felt foolish when he thought about how little he knew about this social contrivance.  He had never paid attention to dating or thought about a relationship.  

Justin laughed again and Brian found the sound of it wonderful.  He delighted in hearing Gus' laughter but found that Justin's laughter made him just as happy.  

"I have had a bit more experience in that area but I told you every situation is different.  I'm sure you'll figure it out or better yet, we'll do it together."  Justin assured Brian that he was not going to leave him to navigate the dating waters by himself.  "I hate to cut this short, but I have a call from a gallery owner in about 5 minutes,"  Justin said, sad that he could not continue the conversation.

"No worries.  I should get back to work. These impromptu calls are really not conducive to getting my work done and leaving on time.  If I don't want to bring work home, I better get back to work myself.  I'll see you tonight.  Later,"  Brian said and hung up the phone.  This time he had a smile on his face.  I just asked Justin for a date.  What is my life coming to?  

******

After dinner on Friday Brian asked Gus for the specifics regarding the birthday party.  The party was at an indoor adventure place.  They had ropes courses, ball pits, tunnels, and all kinds of climbing apparatus and was going to be held the following Friday from 7:00-9:00.  The party was about 20 minutes away and that didn't give him and Justin a very long time for their date.  They could attend an AA meeting during that time, but he typically attended a meeting in the afternoon on Fridays.  Besides, dating was supposed to be different than your normal events and he and Justin attended AA regularly.  The short window would be a good start.   If he wanted, Justin could come back to the loft. He was excited about the possibility of a date, even though he really had no idea what that looked like or what was expected.  

"So can I go to the party?" Gus asked as he was helping clean up the kitchen from dinner.

"Of course.  I just needed the specifics so I could plan on getting you there and picking you up.  Since you will be busy part of the night, I invited Justin to go on a date,"  Brian said, nonchalantly as he put the plate in the dishwasher.

"A date?  I thought you said that you weren't dating.  I knew there was something when I saw you and Justin kissing in the kitchen."  Gus said, smiling at his father's statement.  "I like Justin.  He's cool and he pays attention to me.  Jacob's parents are divorced and he tells me stories all the time about the guys his mom dates.  They are always trying to get him involved in some activity so they can be alone together." Gus paused for a bit and then added.  "Jacob has seen his mom kissing a lot and she is always embarrassed. Do you ever get embarrassed Dad?"

Brian said, "I don't know if we are dating." He was still a little uncomfortable with that term.  "We are just going out on a date.  As for embarrassment goes, I don't think I've ever been embarrassed, especially when it comes to kissing."  Brian thought quickly of all the anonymous sex that he used to participate in at Babylon when he would go to the back room or at the baths or any other place he felt the urge to get a blow job.  He never was embarrassed by his actions and he doubted that would change.  He wasn't going to explain that to Gus, now or ever but he realized again how his sexual activities were probably just as much a part of his addiction as his drinking.  He said, tongue in cheek without adding any explanation for his grin.

"I remember you said something about watching the new Star Trek series Picard.  If we want to watch a few episodes, we better get started,"  Brian said, essentially ending the discussion of dating and embarrassment.  

After watching a few episodes, Gus got ready for bed and Brian took out his journal and pen.

Tonight Gus asked me if I ever got embarrassed.  We'd been talking about me going on a date with Justin and he started talking about some of his friend's parents who were divorced and dating and how they got embarrassed when their kids saw them kissing.  To me kissing is just fun.  It never meant anything but a prelude to sex; however, with Justin, it is just enjoyable by itself. I'm still not ready for sex and for some reason while I think having sex with Justin would be great, I don't want him to be another notch on my belt.  When Gus asked if I was ever embarrassed, it made me think about all the public sex that I've had in my life.  I've probably had sex or done some type of sex act with thousands of guys.  That makes me think that I probably was addicted to sex as much as I was to alcohol.  Society says it's okay, not great, but okay to be addicted to alcohol but to say that you were addicted to sex.... Well, that is not an okay thing to say.  Even I, who obviously doesn't know a lot about societal conventions, know that you don't talk about having a sex addiction.  I guess I do know about some societal norms.  I mentioned the sex addiction to Justin and he didn't seem to balk.  He said something that made sense at the time.  He said that he can't judge me on what I did when I was drinking since I was a different person then.  I don't know if I buy into that statement even though it makes sense.  It's almost like the addict is saying I get a free pass for every jerk thing I did when I was drinking since I was addicted to alcohol.  It takes away the responsibility for my actions and blames it on the alcohol.  While that would be really convenient ...everything is the alcohol's fault.  I still have to accept that at the end of the day, I'm the one who chose to drink and drown my feelings in the bottle.  I'm the one who chose to sleep with all those men and I enjoyed it.  Well, I enjoyed it for the 10 minutes it took to get off, and then I was left with the empty feeling again.

Brian put down the pen and reread what he had just written, realizing its importance. He picked up the pen, not wanting to lose his train of thought.

I was having anonymous sex to fill a void.  The void was the empty feeling that I walked around with all the time.  I didn't allow myself to have any feelings and hid in a bottle or sex so that I couldn't admit to myself that I felt something or anything.  While the sex act itself was pleasurable and I always got off, it didn't mean anything after it was done.  During the 10-15 minutes it took me to get my rocks off, I was fully immersed in my own pleasure and I guess I was really good at it since I was notorious as "The Stud of Liberty Avenue"  Every gay guy wanted to have sex with me.  I was some superstar.  But when it was over, I felt nothing, just the endorphins that come with orgasm.  

What does that mean for my life moving forward?  Do I even know what feelings are and will I recognize them?  If I do recognize them, what will I do with them?  Will I shut down and hide in a different way or will I learn to live with them?

I'm a pretty smart guy, I have to be as successful as I am a business owner.  If you had asked me this question even 2 months ago, I would have laughed in your face.  But now, with the idea of dating planted in my head, I think that I am starting to recognize my feelings.  When he kissed me, I was shocked, pleased, surprised.... A lot of emotions ran through my brain, but that's it.  I had emotions and I was miserable when I thought he'd gone missing from my life.  I knew I wanted him there and I was willing to explore that possibility, no matter what that looked like or how foreign the concept of dating and relationships was to me.

It's been almost two months and we've continued our interactions pretty much the same except now we've added some amazing kissing to the mix.  Since he's no longer my sponsor, he feels comfortable with us doing more than hanging out at AA and with Gus. 

When he told me he couldn't be my sponsor and date me, I was angry and sad.  I recognize those emotions. Go me!  I'm beginning to see that I do have those things called emotions and I'm not really sure how I feel about that.  Again, with the feelings.  I guess Cleo was right.  Smart man.  I've got to figure out what I want out of this relationship in order to move forward.  Jeez, thinking and feeling and talking, the trifecta of life.  If that's what it takes to have Justin in my life, I guess I'm up for it.

He won't be joining us tomorrow as he is getting ready for a show and needs to paint.  He hoped he would be able to make it to the Saturday night meeting, but wasn't sure.  Hopefully, he'll make it to the Sunday meeting if he doesn't come on Saturday.  Otherwise, I won't see him until Tuesday.  I swear I feel like the giggly girls in high school writing goofy notes and whispering about boys.  Not that I really paid attention to girls in high school, but I do remember our English teacher stopping class and reading out loud one of the notes that a girl was passing to her friend during class.  She made a point of talking about the grammatical errors in the girl's note and told her that if she were going to be writing in English class, it should at least be grammatically correct.  That's a weird memory to conjure up but high school has very few memories except going to Michael's to get away from my father's drunken beatings.  

At least, I did manage never to get drunk in front of Gus and I never hit him.  I don't think that I could ever take a pass on that behavior, regardless of whether I was trying to blame the action on alcohol or not.  There are just some things that are not negotiable.  

This journaling thing is really interesting.  It really is getting me to think about a lot of stuff that those hamsters would leave alone.  Before I started writing stuff down, I spent a lot of time just thinking.  Not that I don't think now, but I think that writing shit down helps me focus my thoughts, and when I reread the stuff I've written it gives me some semblance of order.  Cleo is one smart guy.  I'm glad I found him.  And to think I chose him because he mentioned being abused as a kid.  We have never even talked about that.  Shit, there is that word again.  I think talk should be considered a four-letter word.  Just saying.  

Enough of this contemplation stuff.  I'm headed to bed.  Gus and I have a full weekend.  I hope Justin gets to join us for part of it, but ... well he has a life too.

Brian closed his journal and put the pen in the drawer.  He made sure the alarm was set and got ready for bed.  He admitted that making Gus his own room was a brilliant idea.  Not only did it bring about changes in his relationship with Justin, but it returned Brian's privacy, something he realized that he sorely missed when Gus was around.  Brian had been a solitary individual for a long time and sharing his space with Gus 24/7 for an entire weekend was pushing the edge of his comfort zone.  

Saturday night Brian went to his AA meeting after telling Gus and Emmett he'd be back soon and that he wasn't sure that Justin would be joining them for dinner.  

"Justin's not coming for dinner?"  Emmett asked, curious at the lack of Brian's former sponsor.  "Why?"  Emmett really wanted to ask if he and Justin were having problems but decided on an easier question instead.

"He's got a show coming up that he has to finish several pieces for.  He should be here next week,"  Brian answered, feeling a little put out that he had to defend Justin's absence.  After a few moments, he realized that Emmett was not accusing anyone of ill will, but was genuinely concerned with Justin's absence.  "I'll tell him that you asked about him,"  Brian offered, feeling weird to offer the explanation.

"Oh.  Is the show local?  I'm not an artist but I really like the piece you bought.  I wouldn't mind seeing more of his work,"  Emmett commented.

"Me too, Dad.  Can we go to Justin's show?"  Gus chimed in.

It hadn't occurred to Brian that Gus or Emmett might be interested in Justin's work.  "Sure, we can see it.  I'm not sure of the specifics, but we can ask Justin and plan on attending.  I'll get you the info, Emmett.  I'll have to tell Molly that we will have company."

"Who's Molly?" Gus asked as he had never heard that name before.

"She's Justin's sister.  I took her to Justin's last event.  She likes to support her brother but doesn't like all the pick-ups so she and I go together.  She's safe with me as I have no interest in her."

Gus looked at his father and said, "You mean you take her on a fake date?"

Brian laughed at the way Gus phrased his question but nodded his head in agreement.  "Yes, you could call it that.  She isn't interested in getting hit on by guys.  Evidently, art shows are a good place to pick up potential dates.  Since she only wants to support Justin, my taking her works out great,"  Brian explained the logistics of how his actions benefited both of them. "She gets to see his work and go to his shows with someone she likes but there isn't any worry that I will be calling her and asking her out. This also keeps other guys from trying to pick her up while she is at the event."

Gus listened and tried to understand the situation but then proclaimed, "It doesn't matter since you are dating Justin.  That would be weird to date him and his sister at the same time.  He turned to Emmett and said, "Adults are weird.  They have all kinds of rules about stuff.  I think I won't ever date anybody.  It's too complicated.  Let's make dinner.  I'm getting hungry."  

Emmett laughed at Gus' statement and shrugged.  "Adults are weird but one day you might want to date.  It's a long way off so let's not worry about it.  For now, let's go make our famous meatloaf."   As Gus walked toward the kitchen, Emmett turned to Brian,  "So you are dating Justin now.  When did this happen?  I want all the juicy details.  I knew there was chemistry between you two.  I could see the fireworks all along."

Brian shook his head and said, "Emmett, we are going on a date."  Brian looked around and saw that Gus had gone into the kitchen so he didn't hesitate to add,  "I have fucking no idea what to do on a date, but Justin seems to think I'll figure it out.  But for now, I've got to go to a meeting and I don't want to be late."  Brian grabbed his car keys from the basket by the door and left. He quickly put the conversation out of his mind and thought about his sobriety and the upcoming meeting.

********

On Sunday, Justin wasn't able to come to the meeting either and Brian was disappointed but understood he had work commitments.  He stopped at the corner diner that was located by their Sunday meeting and grabbed a quick dinner.  He quickly realized that eating alone was not nearly as enjoyable as joining Justin for dinner.  Prior to his sobriety, he almost always ate dinner alone.  It had been 8 months since he last took a drink and on the majority of those nights, Justin ate with him.  He found he missed the company.  Maybe that was what Justin meant by talking. Before he could really contemplate that thought, his phone rang.

He looked at the caller ID and saw that it was Lindsay.  He was tempted to ignore the call but decided that was not a good option.

"Hello, To what do I owe your call?  I thought we settled the summer camp stuff."

"Brian, the summer camp is fine.  I'm calling because Gus said something at dinner about you dating.  I thought you said there was nothing between you and Justin, that he was your sponsor.  Isn't that unethical?  I mean...."

Brian didn't let her finish. He had just paid his bill so he walked out of the restaurant and got in his car.  Sitting in his car he put the phone on speaker and spoke, "It is none of your fucking business who I date or don't date.  And don't you dare talk to me about ethics.  Who is the one who cheated on her wife?  It wasn't me.  I don't tell you how to run your life and you don't get to tell me how to run mine,"  Brian said, hearing the rise in his voice.

"But Brian, this affects Gus. You can't date and have Gus on the weekends.  It wouldn't be fair to him.  After all, he's at an impressionable age."

Brian took several deep breaths before speaking.  "Lindsay, you should really listen to what you are saying. Who said anything about dating when Gus is with me?  There are only two nights a week that I have him.  The last time I counted, there were 7 nights in a week.  People with children go on dates all the time. They get a sitter or have a friend watch the kid. They have lives outside their children. I'm not going to take time away from Gus, especially when I only see him 2 days a week. Give me some credit, Linds."

"But Brian,...." she stopped, gathering her next arsenal of comments.  "What happens if you and Justin don't work out? Gus talks about him all the time.  It seems that he spends a lot of time with him.  I don't want him to get hurt."

"Lindsay, you are such a hypocrite.  Not every marriage works out.  You and your she-wolf separated for a while after you cheated.  Do you think that Gus was oblivious to the changes in his life?  He missed her.... Why I don't know, but he did.  I'm dating and anyone I date has to like Gus and vice versa.  I'm not going to be that Dad who pawns his kid off on someone else because the person I'm with doesn't like him.  Gus will always come first.  I went to court to fight for my rights and I haven't changed my mind."  Brian ran his hand across the top of his head and sighed again.  He was getting tired of the conversation and having to defend his actions.  He didn't feel that he should have to explain his personal life.  

There was silence on the other end of the phone as Lindsay listened and tried to come up with a response.

"You shouldn't be talking to Gus about dating.  He's too young,"  Lindsay tried one last argument 

"Too young!  Too young to witness two people enjoying each other's company.  Too young to see two people who like each other.  Too young for what exactly, Lindsay?  From where I sit, a kid is never too young to know his parent is happy.  Are you afraid that he'll see two people who really like spending time together and don't try to manipulate others?  Well, if that is too young, then I'm sure he is too young." Brian responded, using his acerbic wit and quick thinking to counter Lindsay's attempt to discredit him.

"Brian, that isn't what I was talking about.  I don't want him walking in on you and a guy.  He doesn't need to see the parade of men that come through your home."  Lindsay said, throwing his promiscuous behavior out for inspection.

"My sex life is none of your business and I'm not going to be having sex when Gus can walk in on me.  Again, as I said, there are 7 days in a week and Gus is with me only 2 of them,"  Brian said, not telling her that he'd been celibate for the last 8 months and wasn't looking to change that any time soon.  It was truly none of her business.  "We're done, Lindsay.  Just because you are Gus' mother, you don't get to dictate my life.  I will date or not date, have sex or not have sex, and hang out with people I want to hang out with or without your input.  As long as Gus is safe, happy, and not in jeopardy you have no say so.  I don't tell you how to live your life and you don't get to tell me how to live mine.  Goodbye,"  Brian said and hit the button to disconnect the phone.  He took several deep breaths and looked at his phone.  He pushed a button to make a call.

"Hey.  What's up? Sorry, I couldn't make it this weekend.  Things have been really crazy but I finished everything I needed to do.  How was your weekend?"

Brian listened to Justin's voice and the words he spoke.  "It was good until about 10 minutes ago."

Justin was happy to hear Brian's ring tone and had missed talking with him over the last few days.  Brian's presence had become enmeshed in his life and he genuinely looked forward to spending time with him each day.  He was really happy that he'd called but now he wondered if everything was okay and Brian was calling with bad news.

"What happened 10 minutes ago?  Are you okay?"  Justin asked, listening to Brian's tone and realizing that he sounded pissed rather than upset.

"I mentioned to Gus that we were going on a date but I didn't think to tell him not to tell anyone.  I mean we talk about a lot of things and I don't really think about whether he can share the contents of our conversations.  But evidently, at Sunday dinner he mentioned it and then I get this call from Lindsay who gives me the third degree.  She starts off telling me it's unethical to date you and then the conversation got worse."

Justin felt a wave of sadness wash over him as he listened to Brian fearful that he was going to change his mind.  "Wow.  She really tried to come up with every reason why we shouldn't go out."  Justin wanted to ask if Brian had changed his mind, but since Brian didn't bring it up, he didn't either.  Sins of omission were just as bad as sins of commission but this time he was waiting to see what Brian did.

"I am an adult and she doesn't get to tell me what to do.  She can tell Gus what to do as she is his mom, but not me.  I'm not her spouse or her kid. I want to take you on a date and I'm going to do that,"  Brian said, finally telling Justin that he hadn't changed his mind.  His voice had risen slightly at the beginning of his call, but had returned to its normal tone.

"I'm glad you still want to go on our date.  I'm looking forward to it.  Have you thought about what we will do?"  Justin said, letting the breath out that he had been holding.  He felt his heartbeat slowing down as the adrenaline stopped pumping.  

"Of course, I still want to go.  I never do things I don't want to do," Brian said, not realizing that Justin had feared that he would cancel their date. "And no, I haven't figured out where we will go or do, but I'm sure I will.  It will be really short since we only have the time between when I drop Gus off at his party and I have to pick him up."

"I'm not concerned.  It is our first date, after all.  First dates are often short," Justin said.  "You know, most people don't know if they will like the person so the first date is often something like a cup of coffee."

"Well, I could take you for coffee but we've had a lot of first dates if that is the case,"  Brian teased.  

"Not really, since we've both paid our own way, it's not really a date,"  Justin said, finding the banter enjoyable.

"Oh, I see how it is.  I have to pay your way for it to be a date.  So whoever asks has to pay.  I don't know.  Coffee can get expensive, " Brian said tongue in cheek.  "I'll have to think about if I can afford a cup of coffee or if you're worth it."

Justin laughed at Brian's light teasing.  "I'm exhausted.  I'll see you on Tuesday.  I'm glad you called, Brian.  I missed you." 

"See you Tuesday.  I look forward to it. I'll have to start saving my money for our big date,"  Brian said with a smile on his face.  He pushed the button to end the call and put his phone back in his pocket.  He was beginning to see that talking about things could be helpful.  

On Monday morning, Brian went to work.  Ted saw him in the break room making coffee and went in.

"I heard that you're taking Justin on a date.  Congratulations," Ted said as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

Brian shook his head and raised his eyes to the ceiling.  "So he didn't just tell Mel and Linds.  What did he do, announce it at the dinner table?"  Brian asked, hating that everyone knew his business. 

Ted laughed.  "Actually, Deb asked about his weekend and he went into this long discourse about dating, fake dating, and how you take Justin's sister on fake dates so she won't be asked on dates by other guys.  It was very entertaining.  I take it Lindsay called you?"

A few members of Brian's staff came into the break room to put away their lunches and get their morning coffee.  Brian said, "Let's move this to my office.  I don't need my staff talking."  Brian topped off his coffee and walked toward his office.

He walked to the white leather couch in his office, sat down, and motioned for Ted to join him.  He placed his mug on a coaster that was placed on the glass coffee table in front of the couch.  As the head of Kinnetik, he found a more relaxed office appropriate.  Any formal meetings would be held in the conference room so the couch was more conducive to brainstorming and talking. 

"I guess it is my own fault that he announced the date to the world.  He saw us kissing in the kitchen and asked us if we were dating and when I talked to him about the birthday party he was going to this weekend, I mentioned that I was going to take Justin on a date.  I felt that I needed to keep him abreast of what was happening.  He seemed to be okay with the idea, seeing how he really likes Justin."  Brian picked up his coffee and took a sip, now that it had cooled again.

"There is nothing wrong with dating, Brian.  What are you going to do?"  Ted asked, curious what a date with Brian Kinney would look like.  He was pretty certain that Brian had not made a habit of dating before he started his sobriety journey, preferring to have anonymous sex rather than explore a possible relationship.  Ted took a sip of his own coffee.

"I have no idea.  Justin said first dates often involve meeting for coffee, but we've been doing that since the beginning.  If that is a date, we've been on at least a couple hundred of them,"  Brian said as he shrugged his shoulders.  Brian thought about how easy it was to talk to Ted about this topic and chalked another one in Cleo's corner.  Cleo's tutelage about how talking was an important skill was obviously correct.  He smiled at the thought of being on a hundred dates with Justin. 

"You could still go for a coffee.  It's different now,  He's not your sponsor.  I imagine that many of your coffees revolved around discussing the contents of your meetings and your sobriety journey,"  Ted commented as he thought back to his first date with Blake, frowning when he remembered how it had ended, him in a hospital, waking up from an overdose.

"Why the frown?"  Brian said, noticing the change in Ted's demeanor.

"I was just remembering my first hook up with Blake.  It didn't exactly end like I was hoping unless you count waking up from a coma a few days later a good date,"  Ted said, the sarcasm not lost on Brian.

"I'd forgotten about that.  And you still hooked up later?"  Brian looked at his friend and he started to wonder if Ted was the right person to discuss this issue with.  "I guess seeing him in rehab made you realize that there was hope to get clean,"  Brian remembered that period when Ted was addicted.  It wasn't easy to forget some of the colossal mistakes he made but he had more than made up for his indiscretions.

"I guess you could say we were like you and Blake without the hospital visit.  Justin knows all about my addiction and a helluva lot about me,"  Brian said, turning back to the earlier discussion.  "It's sort of like you and Blake.  I mean he was your counselor in rehab wasn't he?"  Brian asked, verifying Ted and Blake's start.

"Yeah, he was.  As my counselor, he learned a lot of things about me and my addiction, but not necessarily about me as a person.  You can't truly separate the two, but you should try and approach the date as a fresh start, getting to know Justin,"  Ted said as he picked up his mug and took a drink.

"Justin is always talking about getting to know each other and he gave me a litany of things we could discuss.  Do you mean that is what dating is?  Having coffee and sitting around talking?  I'm not sure I want to do that,"  Brian said, having second thoughts on the whole dating thing.

"No, Brian.  Dating is not just sitting around talking and having endless coffee dates.  It's about learning about the person, finding out what makes them tick, and seeing if you enjoy being with them.  The purpose of dating is really to find a partner.  If you just want anonymous sex, then dating isn't necessary.  You can hook up with a trick any time."

Ted's words hit Brian like a freight train.  He had never really put the two ideas:  dating and sex together; always thinking of them as separate activities.  "You're saying that the two things are like a continuum?  Sex is one end of the spectrum and dating is on the other end?  The whole purpose of dating is to find a partner while sex is on the other end of getting together with people?"

Ted thought about Brian's statement and nodded.  "Sure.  I guess you could put it like that.  People date so that they can have someone they can share their life with.  They are looking for that person who complements them.  In general, people like to have other people in their lives that care about them.  That is why people date."

"Well, I like having Justin around and he likes having me around.  Maybe we're past the dating stage?"  Brian asked, hoping that Ted would confirm that he didn't need to do anything else.

"Brian, you're never past the dating stage.  People who have been together for years, still date.  Life gets in the way of your relationship.  We get involved in work, children, and our homes.  It's important to take time to reconnect with your partner, otherwise, you become people who sleep together but have no time to do the things that brought you together in the first place.  Blake and I make it a point to go on a date at least once a week."

"There are so many nuances to dating and relationships. Where do you learn all this shit?  I sure as hell didn't learn it from my parents.  I doubt they were ever on the relationship spectrum.  They were having sex and my mom got knocked up.  As the good Catholic she was, she got married.  I doubt she actually dated my dad and thought of him as a partner.  If she did, she had low expectations,"  Brian said as he thought about his childhood and his parent's union.  He wouldn't go so far as to call it a partnership as he didn't think of it as anything but two people living together who had little in common but the two children they had as a result of having sex. 

The office noises were getting a little louder.  Someone had turned on the copy machine and the dim ring of the phones was familiar background noise to Brian. " Brian, there aren't really guidelines.  Some people go as far as making suggestions or guidelines regarding dating such as you shouldn't have sex on the first date and you should pay your own way or the person who asks the other person out should pay for the activity.  Some people feel safer having the date in an open space like a coffee shop so they have people around.  Other people set a time limit on the date.  There are just so many options.  For you and Justin, it's not like you are meeting for the first time.  You've eaten together and spent time together, so you don't have that pressure.  Do something fun, out of the box, or do something you both have done before but concentrate on getting to know Justin."  Ted's phone beeped at him.  "That's my alarm to remind me to gather my files to bring to the exec meeting.  My boss will be unhappy if I'm not prepared," Ted said, tongue in cheek.

Brian grabbed his coffee cup and said, "Yeah.  Not a good thing to make the boss unhappy.  Thanks for your time."

"Bri, one last thing.  Relax.  You already know you like Justin.  It's just your opportunity to get to know him better.  I'm sure whatever you decide will be fine."  Ted watched as Brian walked out of his office and he opened his drawer to grab the needed files.

Brian went to his office to gather his files for the meeting and put his thoughts about the upcoming date to the back of his mind so he could concentrate on work.  The day was busy and he didn't have a lot of time to think about the topic. He was surprised when his phone alarm went off reminding him that he needed to stop so he could go to his meeting.  It had been a week since he saw Cleo and he was eager to meet up.

As he did when he attended his other meetings, he looked for Cleo and spotted him by the coffee table.  Brian went up to him, and greeted him, but did not take a cup of coffee.

"The coffee here is worse than at most meetings. I think they purposely over brew it so it lasts all day," Brian said, tongue in cheek.

Cleo laughed. "You really are a connoisseur.  I'm glad I don't do your shopping,"  Cleo said as he looked at Brian, his suitcoat missing, but his clothes still shouting power and money. 

They attended the meeting and went for coffee afterward.  As they sat at the small table in the local diner, their waitress brought a pot of coffee to the table.  "I know you gentlemen will probably want the whole pot,"  she said as she recognized them from their weekly meeting.

"I'm glad you are checking in more regularly, Brian.  Anything you want to talk about?"

Cleo asked as he poured himself a cup of coffee.

"My sobriety is going well.  I think it is really working out that I meet you once a week and the other nights I go to meetings with Justin.  I asked him on a date but now can't figure out what to do on said date."

Cleo did not want to give dating advice as that was very individual but he wanted to acknowledge Brian's statement since it was obviously something he was thinking about.  Cleo had discovered that he could not nor did he want to make the agenda for the people he sponsored. 

"You like to have things planned and it bothers you that you don't know what to do?"  Cleo asked, trying to help Brian solidify his discomfort.

Brian smiled.  "Exactly.  I hadn't put it in that perspective, but that is right.  You hit it on the head."  Brian put sugar and creamer into his coffee and stirred it with a spoon, and then laid the spoon on the saucer.  "I like to have a plan.  At work, I'm used to developing campaigns months in advance.  I have to.  It takes a lot of planning to roll out a fresh idea and it doesn't just happen. I even plan my weekends with Gus.  While I leave the specific activity up to him, I always have an idea of what our days will look like."

"Going on a date is something you aren't used to so it causes some anxiety,"  Cleo said, further explaining the situation.

Brian grinned and shook his head slightly in amusement at his own expense.  "You're telling me that my unease with the whole dating thing is due to my lack of ability to plan something?  That sounds so lame."

Cleo raised his eyebrows and raised his hand slightly off the table pushing it out a few inches, giving a non-verbal invitation to Brian to continue talking.

"I like to be in control. That's what planning is all about.  If I don't plan I feel that I am out of control,"  Brian said and stopped to drink some coffee and gather his thoughts.

"I couldn't control or rather didn't want to deal with my feelings, so I learned that I needed to control as much of my life as I could.  I attempted to eliminate the unknown,  Now, I'm pushing for new adventures and that is causing me anxiety."  Brian said as his mind attempted to integrate this new information.   "How am I doing?"

"What do you think?  How are you doing?"  Cleo answered, not providing any real answer.  He found Brian an unusually insightful man and enjoyed getting to understand and explore his thoughts with him.

"Saying the words out loud makes me realize that I'm on to something.  I like to know exactly where I am and what I'm doing.  Every decision I make is very calculated and I don't really do many if any, things on the fly.  Dating is so novel and unknown that I'm struggling with the idea because I don't have a road map."  Brian responded to the question and picked up the menu from the stainless holder.  He spent a few minutes looking over the menu deciding if he really was hungry enough for a meal or if he wanted anything at all.  He needed a little distraction from talking. 

Cleo recognized the move but didn't call Brian on his tactics, allowing Brian to process his thoughts.

Brian put back the menu and the waitress came over to the table.  "I'll have a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with mustard and cheese,"  Brian said. 

Cleo said, "I'll have the meatloaf with mashed potatoes and green beans."

"Coming right up.  Can I bring you any more coffee?"  the waitress asked.

Both men said no and she left to put their order in.

"I guess the key here is that I like to know what I'm doing so the destination is not really that critical for me.  If I have a plan, I'll be good."

"I think that is a good idea but I encourage you to think a little beyond an initial plan of what to do.  You said dating is unfamiliar to you.  So I would like to encourage you to think about what you want from the date.  Make a plan for dating.  There is nothing wrong with making a road map,"  Cleo said as he thought about what his dating days were like. 

"A roadmap?  What do you mean?"  Brian asked, a puzzled look on his face.

"What is your goal in going on this date?  Do you want to expand your relationship with Justin?  Do you want to have a physical relationship with him or do you want to have someone to hang out with minus the physical piece?  Are you looking for someone to be with for a while or someone to be with forever?"  Cleo stopped his questions, not wanting to overwhelm Brian.  He felt that those few would be sufficient for now, even if they were pretty big questions.

"My friend Ted said that dating's purpose is to find someone you want to be in a long-term relationship with.  If that is true it explains why I never dated.  The thought of spending a lifetime with anyone never occurred to me.  My parent's marriage didn't exactly fill me with a desire to find a partner.  Besides, I'm gay, settling down is unnatural."  Brian said.

"Hmmm,"  Cleo said.  He wondered if Brian really felt that way or was that his coping mechanisms coming into play. 

Brian said, "What?"  He looked at Cleo, expecting an answer.  While he had been working with Cleo for about 6 weeks at this point, he had gotten to know him and his style.  Cleo was very good and offered thoughts and expected Brian to think about them and whether they fit his situation or not.   

"I just find your answers contradictory,"  Cleo said.  "You say that you don't want a relationship, but you keep going back to this date you have set up with Justin.  You're telling me that you want it to be successful, but then you backtrack and say that you settling down isn't something that gay men do.  I know this is all new to you, but I really think that you need to examine your feelings in this area before you move forward.  Like I told you before, you need to know what you want so you know if you are getting there,"  Cleo explained his comment and stopped talking. The silence confirmed his suspicions about Brian, he wasn't really sure what he wanted.

"I thought dating was supposed to help you figure out if the person was right for you.  At least that is what I got from Ted.  You're telling me it is something else?"  Brian asked, not enjoying this conversation like he normally did.

"What are you feeling right now, Brian?"  Cleo asked, sensing Brian's increasing discomfort.

"I feel tense, angry, confused.  A lot of things.  But why does that matter?  We are talking about dating.  Is this what a sponsor typically does?  Push all the buttons of the person they are sponsoring?  If so, I think I'll decline."  Brian said, getting a little defensive and reaching for his wallet so he could pay for his food.

"Brian, I won't stop you from leaving the table, but I encourage you to take a deep breath and really think about what is going on,"  Cleo said.  "Are you mad at me or the situation?"

Brian put his hand back on the table and took a deep breath like Cleo suggested.  "Okay, I'll stay, but what the fuck was that all about?  Is this some trial to see if you can get me so mad I do something I would regret?  If so, I can tell you I'm tempted, but I'm not going to do that."

"Good. I'm glad that you aren't going to take a drink just because you have some feelings you don't like.  My goal is to always help you, Brian.  But right now, you are fighting your emotions and historically when you aren't acknowledging your emotions, you turn to the bottle."  The waitress brought their food to the table and both men ignored their food, just looked at each other.

"I'm trying to help you work through some new emotions and evidently you are struggling.  I'm sorry that I made you angry, but I prefer to make you angry now than to see you drink."  Cleo looked at Brian, trying to gauge his reaction and hoping that he had calmed down enough to listen.

Brian picked up his sandwich, taking off the top piece of bread to see if there was sufficient mustard on it.  He placed the bread back on the sandwich, flipped it over, and took off the bread on the other side.  Satisfied that there was mustard on both sides he picked up the half sandwich and took a bite, not really tasting the food. 

Cleo took the ketchup bottle from the stainless steel stand at the end of the table and squirted some onto his plate.  After picking up his fork, he cut off a small piece of meatloaf and dipped it in the ketchup before eating it.  "The meatloaf is good.  I don't really want to know what they do to it to make it this tasty,"  he said, trying to break some of the tension at the table with small talk.

Brian felt the adrenaline slowing down in his body and took a few deep breaths before saying, "I'm sorry.  I know you are trying to help me,"  Brian looked down at his plate rather than at Cleo.

"Brian, apology accepted but not necessary.  What's really important here is your reaction to my question.  You went from discussing your views on dating to angry, frustrated, and tense in a short period of time.  I know these are uncomfortable feelings for you and you are still struggling to adjust to feelings in general,"  Cleo said, keeping his words short, still unsure how ready Brian was to continue their previous conversation.  He knew Brian needed to work on handling his feelings but he could not force Brian to do so.  It had to come from Brian's decision and desire to handle his emotions as well as acknowledge his feelings.

"Shit!  Here I was feeling that I was handling life pretty well, and bam I decide to date and my whole world goes to crap," Brian said, sensationalizing the situation.

Cleo raised his eyebrows at Brian's statement and said, "Interesting choice of words.  Your world goes to crap.  Care to explain that statement as I'm not sure I understand?"

Brian shook his head and said, "Fuck!  All I want to do is hang out with Justin.  I feel like everyone, him included, has expectations about dating and what we should be doing and I don't want to fail,"  Brian admitted.  Brian picked up his sandwich to take another bite but put it back on his plate and picked up his coffee cup instead to take a drink.

"I understand.  You like order and the order helps you feel in control.  Dating is too uncertain for you,"  Cleo said, trying to help Brian solidify his thoughts.  He took another bite of his meatloaf, enjoying the taste as he waited for Brian to process the information.

Brian picked up his sandwich and this time took a bite, slowly chewing the food if only to delay responding to Cleo's observations. 

"Emotions and feelings are not all they are cracked up to be if they make me go into a tailspin at the thought of spending time with someone I like.  What the hell is wrong with me?"  Brian asked, hoping Cleo could shed some light on the situation.  Brian wanted answers.

Cleo smiled and said, "There is nothing wrong with you, Brian.  You're just a little late to the party. People typically start dating in high school or their early 20s.  The rush of meeting someone new and learning about them is exciting.  When you were that age you were trying to escape your family.  Dating and all that goes with it was not even on your radar."

"I was more interested in getting off and I became really good at it.  But I'm a gay man and gay guys by nature just want to get off.  Dating isn't all that important to them,"  Brian said, trying yet again to convince Cleo of his long-standing belief.

"Again, Brian, you're hiding behind things that you told yourself to protect yourself.  If you really didn't believe in dating, you wouldn't have asked Justin for a date.  I think you are trying to convince yourself that if you fail, it's because gay men don't date and not something to do with you. You learned early on that feelings and emotions were something you could control by hiding them in a bottle.  Since you had little or no control of your home life, you took what you could control, your emotions, and handled them."  

"Let me get this straight.  You're telling me that I'm freaking out because I can't control the situation and that all the planning and order that I espouse is a result of wanting order due to the chaos that I grew up in?  That's some heavy guessing?"  Brian said as he picked up his sandwich to take another bite.  He was amazed at what Cleo said and asked,  "You sure you aren't some shrink when you're not being my sponsor?  You come up with some deep stuff"

Cleo laughed.  "No, I'm not a therapist but I have been in therapy and see a lot of myself in you.  As you mentioned when we first met that one of the things that drew you to me was the fact that I came from an abusive home.  I'm not saying that all kids that are abused have the same problems, but there are some definite themes and things that they often have in common. 

"Let's just say you are right.  What the fuck do I do about it?  It's not like I can turn back time and have a fabulous childhood?"  Brian asked, sincerely hoping Cleo had some helpful ideas.

"You've already conquered the first step by asking what to do.  It is sort of like an addiction; recognizing you have a problem is the first step in the process.  I can't tell you some magic formula but I can tell you that it all goes back to the beginning.  Knowing what you want will help you get where you are going.  Goals are not just for business, sales projections, or profit margins.  People are more successful in achieving the things they want when they develop specific goals in life and have a strategy to reach them."

"Everything comes back to knowing what I want.  If I figure that out, I can figure out how to get there?"  Brian asked, summarizing the conversation.

"Right, but I'm going to go back to my original question that started our conversation.  What do you want when it comes to Justin?"

"I don't like labels.  I find them arbitrary.  But if I had to label what I want for the popular convention, I would say I want to date him and I want him around.  So, I guess I'm back where I started trying to figure out what I want to do on this date,"  Brian said, smiling widely at the thought of being with Justin. 

"I like your smile, Brian.  You have to learn to trust your feelings, both good and bad, and hopefully, life will give you more good ones. I'm sure you will be fine." Cleo said as he finished the last bite of his meatloaf.  "Having said that, feel free to call me if you are feeling anxious or tense and need someone to lean on.  I'm here for whatever you need."

"Thanks.  I'll keep that in mind.  I'll let you know how it all goes down.  The date is Friday night,"  Brian said, his mind already thinking about options.

"Good."  Cleo waved to the waitress, signaling their desire for their respective checks.  "I'll talk to you tomorrow," gently reminding Brian that he still wanted him to check in regularly.

"Of course. Maybe, by tomorrow I'll even have some idea of what I'm going to do on our date,"  Brian said, assuring Cleo he was still vested in this process.

They paid their bills, walked out to their cars, and drove away.

When Brian got home, he checked his mail and then changed into comfortable clothing.  He went to the bookshelf to grab his journal and got out his special pen, opening it to the last entry.  He dated the entry for today and started to write.

Met with Cleo tonight and he said some very interesting things.  I've been really struggling with what to do on my date with Justin and he pointed out that I was contradicting myself.  On the one hand, I stated that I was worried about the date and possible relationship with Justin but on the other hand I was telling him that I don't think it is natural for gay men to settle down.  He told me that this was contradictory.  We discussed a lot of shit tonight but it basically boils down to feelings and my desire to be in control. 

I need to be in control and that is why I'm so good at my job.  I know how long it takes for a campaign to move forward and be put into action.  I can control every step of the process and there is a distinct order to the campaign. 

When I started my sobriety journey, I didn't tell anyone for fear that it would get back to Lindsay and she would interpret it in some convoluted way to stop me from seeing Gus.  That is why I contacted a lawyer and got my rights guaranteed before she found out anything. 

I'm learning that dating is something that is not orderly and that is freaking me out.  I have learned to hide my emotions and feelings in order to protect myself and making myself vulnerable is causing me anxiety. 

Cleo keeps telling me that I have to know what I want so that I can make a plan to get there.  His words make sense but since I don't know what the journey is supposed to look like, I'm having a hard time.

All I know is I want Justin in my life.  I really missed him this weekend.  It felt weird not eating dinner with him and not hanging out.  If that's what dating means, I'm all for it. I guess I'm going to have to learn to handle things that are out of my control.

I found it interesting that Gus and Emmett both expressed interest in seeing Justin's show.  Guess he has become part of their lives too.  I wonder what they will think about Molly.  Gus seemed intrigued by my description of our "dates".  I think from a 10-year-old's perspective it might sound really weird. 

Gus seems excited about me dating Justin. Ted and Emmett seem to like the idea too.  Everybody but Lindsay, but I have to take Lindsay's objections with a grain of salt.  I think they stem from her imaginary thoughts of us being a little threesome one day, me, her, and Gus- one little nuclear family.  One thing's for sure, that is never happening. 

I'm excited too.  There, see, I identified an emotion and I didn't fall apart.  True, excitement is a positive emotion, but it is an emotion.  Cleo never said whether the emotion had to be positive or negative. I still have three days to figure out what I want to do on our date, so for now, I'm headed for bed.

Brian closed the book and put away his pen.  He placed the book on the shelf, checked the alarm, and shut off the lights.  He went to bed and slept well.

TBC

Wednesday morning

Brian went into the diner for breakfast.  He didn't go as often as he used to but still managed to do so a few times a week.  While he did not specifically avoid places where Michael hung out, he found the diner was the place he ran into him most often.  Usually, he met Ted or Emmett for a quick meal, but their conversations were about sharing their respective lives rather than which actor would be preferable to have sex with or what the nightly entertainment was going to be at Babylon.  Brian typically found the previous conversations lacking merit and a waste of his time since he had never had any difficulty finding a willing sex partner.  Looking back, he wondered why he spent so much time talking about sex and he had never bothered to get to know other things about the two men.  Now, he was happy to call them his friends and they had definitely lived up to the label.  Since he did not attend the Sunday dinners at Debbie's, he had few conversations with her as she was typically busy at the diner when he came in.  Brian found that he did not miss the weekly event since seeing  Gus was the main reason he attended and he now saw him every weekend.  Both Ted and Emmett had proved to be great supporters of his sobriety and had proven to be very helpful in bouncing ideas off.  

When he walked in, Debbie looked toward the entrance to see who came in.  

"What's this I hear that you are going on a date?"  Debbie yelled across the room of the diner.  

Brian's first instinct was to turn around and walk out.  He glanced around the diner and felt a number of eyes on him and heard the soft whispers that accompanied Debbie's outburst.  

"Shit!" he said quietly to himself. There was a time that her comment would have him denying the statement as the "Stud of Liberty Avenue" did not do anything as mundane as dating.  But it was true, he was going on a date and evidently, that was newsworthy.  It amused him that his personal life was still of interest to people, especially since he had not been a part of the Liberty Avenue social scene for over 8 months, a lifetime for a gay man.  

He spotted Ted and Emmett sitting at the back booth and made his way there, choosing not to respond to Debbie.

"Hey Boss," Ted said.  

"Brian," Emmett said as he handed Brian a menu, knowing he already knew what he would order, but still doing so out of courtesy.

"I guess I need to have a talk with Sonny boy about oversharing,"  Brian said, shaking his head.  "Everybody seems to have an opinion."

"Oh," Emmett said, raising his eyebrow in question.  

"I got a call from Lindsay Sunday night, trying to tell me that I shouldn't date when Gus is with me.  She felt it necessary to provide her opinion like she has a right to tell me what to do."

Emmett shook his head and said, "So what did you tell her?"

"I told her that people with children date all the time and I told her that I didn't tell her how to live her life and since I wasn't putting Gus in jeopardy, she didn't have a say in what I did,"  Brian told his table mates.  

Debbie came over and hit Brian over the head with a menu.  "I knew there was something with you and the blond.  You could pick up the phone and tell me, you know.   You should bring him by for dinner one night since you don't come over for Sunday dinner.  I'd like to get to know the man who tamed you,"  Debbie said as she took out her pad and ever-ready pencil to take their order.

"What'll it be boys?"  She asked, not waiting for a response from Brian.

Brian thought about speaking up and telling her he was not an animal and didn't need taming, but didn't want to engage her in any more conversation than necessary. 

They gave her their orders and Emmett said, "So where are you going for your date?  I'm excited for you.  I've been watching the two of you for months and I'm glad to hear that you are exploring things."  Emmett stirred cream into his coffee while he waited for Brian's answer.

"Now that is the question of the hour.  I have no fucking idea what to do on a date and I don't want to screw this up,"  Brian said, running his hand through his hair.  

Emmett put his finger to his temple and said, "Hmm.  First, I don't think you will screw it up.  You've been hanging out together for almost 9 months. True, the first six months he was your sponsor, but obviously, there was an attraction there."

Brian appreciated that Emmett didn't question him about the change in their relationship; although he was sure that the man was curious and would love to know.  But as he worked through his sobriety, he realized that he wasn't averse to sharing that information.  He wasn't going to share it at the diner, but he realized that Cleo was right.  Sharing parts of your life with friends could enrich it.  

Before Brian could respond, the doorbell jangled, announcing a new arrival to the diner.  Brian wasn't facing the door so he did not know who walked in nor did he care to as he no longer used the diner as a place to look for and pick up men.  

"Brian,"  Michael yelled from the door as he spotted Brian sitting with Emmett and Ted.  He walked over to the men and said, "Scoot over.  We haven't had breakfast together in so long."  He motioned to Emmett as he waved his hand at him, acting as if none of the disagreements that he and Brian had in the last 9 months had occurred.  

"Brian, I'm so glad I caught up to you.  Gus said that you are going on a date with Justin, but he must be wrong. Brian Kinney would never date just like I knew that you were just pretending to stop drinking.  I bet you just said that so you could get your dick sucked. Although, I think that it is a long way to go to get a blow job.  I've never known you to chase a guy,"  Michael said, off-handedly.  

"Michael.  No one invited you to join us,"  Brian said, his voice stern and controlled, choosing not to respond to Michael's assumptions.  

"But we always eat together when we're at the diner,"  Michael said as he started to sit in the booth, trying to push Emmett to move over.

"Brian said you were not invited to join us.  I suggest you find another place to sit,"  Ted said as he pointed toward several other booths in the diner.

Michael just stood there looking between the three men and Brian said, "I'll see you, gentlemen, later.  I've lost my appetite."  Brian got up and dropped a $20 bill on the table, despite not receiving his order.  

"I just remembered I was supposed to meet a new client for coffee.  I'll walk out with you, Brian,"  Emmett said as he too left money on the table.

Ted got out of the booth, walked back to the back of the diner, and told Debbie, she could give their food to the homeless guys that hung out behind the diner.  He handed her a $20 as well and walked out the door.   

Debbie nodded in understanding, having overheard the exchange between Brian and Michael.  She boxed up the food and walked out the door to deliver the meals.  The three homeless youth smiled at her when she left the food, having been the recipients of her generosity in the past.  

******

Brian got to work and breathed in a few deep breaths, using the techniques that Cleo had been teaching him.  He replayed the conversation with Michael at the diner and felt sadness wash over him.  He had always held out hope that perhaps Michael would come around and accept that Brian was an alcoholic.  But today's interactions just solidified that Michael still saw him as the man he was 9 months ago, despite the vast changes he had made in his life.  In many ways, this gave him closure, knowing that Michael was not going to be in his life.  He wondered what Debbie would do.  It had been obvious that she still wanted to be a part of his life as evidenced by the slap on his head with the menu but he wondered if this morning's interactions would change that. 

He did a quick mental check and realized that he was okay.  Sure, this morning's interaction would be one he would want to journal about tonight but it did not want to make him pull out the bottle or ignore his feelings.  It actually felt good to know that he could handle conversations that were difficult without derailing him.

******

Friday

Morning arrived and Brian was excited because it was the day he and Justin would go on their first date.  He had finally decided on what they would do and realized that everybody's advice had been correct; Justin would not care what they did and while it was technically their first date, they had already established that they liked each other and wanted to explore what that might mean.  

Brian went to work and diligently set the alarm on his phone to remind him to stop work and leave for his noon AA  meeting.  The topic was relationships.  Brian wondered, as he frequently did if there was a hidden agenda that correlated with his life when it came to meetings.   The speaker discussed that before a person could build a relationship they needed to know what went wrong with previous ones.  Since Brian had no history of romantic relationships that portion of the discussion had little meaning for him.  There was also talk about dating and relationships where one partner drank and the other did not.  Again, this did not apply to him.  However, when the discussion moved to both people being in recovery, his mind perked up.  The gist of the discussion was that it was key for each person to be open about their needs and wants as well as share their feelings.  Since alcohol addiction was similar to other addictions:  they all used their addictive substance to hide and bury their feelings, it was very important to acknowledge feelings as they occurred and not let them get buried.  

Brian listened and felt optimistic since he had really started acknowledging his feelings, especially when he was angry or stressed. The techniques that Cleo suggested and that he frequently practiced had also given him insight into his physiological reactions to his feelings and he had found them very helpful.  When he left the meeting, he felt more in control and excited about the evening.

Brian picked up Gus in the afternoon and they went shopping for the birthday present.  Gus told Brian that his friend liked art so he and Brian went to Art Mart and got a gift certificate for the gift.  They went to Target to buy a birthday card and put the gift card inside.  Since the party included pizza, Gus didn't have to worry about dinner. 

"Dad, thank you for letting me go to the party.  I know this is usually our night together, but he's a good friend and the party is going to be a lot of fun," Gus said as they walked to the car in the Target parking lot.  

"Gus, you don't have to thank me.  I still get to spend the rest of the weekend with you.  Besides, it gives me a chance to go on a date. Speaking of, why did you tell everyone at Sunday dinner that we were going on a date?"

"Mom was asking me what I did over the weekend and mentioned the birthday party. Uncle Mikey said something about maybe you going to Woody's while I was at the party since you would have a few hours.  I told him you wouldn't go to Woody's since you were going on a date,"  Gus said, wondering why his father asked him.

Brian opened the car door and got in the driver's seat, shaking his head as he remembered Michael's comment. He had worked through his anger earlier and accepted that Michael really did not see the important changes in his life.  At least Gus saw the real man that he was becoming.  

"Did I do something wrong, Dad?" Gus said as he got in the passenger seat and saw his father shaking his head.

"No,"  Brian was quick to respond.  "I just wondered how the subject came up.  I didn't think you would just come out and tell everyone I was going on a date.  It makes more sense now,"  Brian said as he started the car.  

"We'll go back to the loft until it's time for the party.  Do you have any homework?  If you do it before the party, we'd have all weekend to do whatever we want."  Brian asked as he drove toward the loft.

"Yes.  I have a little reading and some Social Studies homework to finish.  We are studying the US Revolution.  Do you think we could go to Fort Pitt sometime?"

"Sure.  I think we went there when I was in elementary school but I don't remember much.  I think the weather is supposed to be nice so maybe we could do it tomorrow.,"  Brian said, happy to have an agenda for the next day.  While he didn't mind trying to figure out activities for the weekend, he was usually happy when Gus suggested something.  

"What are you going to do while I'm at my party?"  Gus asked.

"I think maybe we'll go back to the Incline.  It's close to where your party is and is something we could do in the time we have,"  Brian said.

"Oh, but we did that.  Why would you go back?"

"There is nothing wrong with doing things again if you like them.  Sometimes, doing the familiar will give you an opportunity to see something different," Brian said as he thought back to the first outing.   They got out of the car and Gus grabbed his backpack.   

Brian worked on his computer as Gus completed his homework.  Gus finished about 15 minutes before they had to leave so they looked up information on Fort Pitt and its operating hours and things to do.  

Brian dropped off Gus and met Justin at the commuter parking lot nearby.  He had not told Justin what they would be doing, as he wanted to surprise him.  He saw the blonde man standing under the streetlight looking around for his car. The light shining down on him provided an alluring glow and Brian immediately thought of the sun shining and Justin brightening his world.  As he slowed down, he rolled down the window and asked, "Need a lift?  I can give you a good time?"  

Justin laughed at Brian's comment.  "Sure.  I bet you can give me a good time."  He paused and added, "You always do."  He leaned over and gave Brian a quick kiss.  "So where are we going?"

"I thought we would go to the Incline. We don't have a long time and we can walk around on top, maybe grab a quick bite, and then pick up Gus."

Justin smiled a huge grin.  "That sounds perfect.  The Incline was the first thing we did."

"Exactly.  I know it sounds corny, but I was a different person back then. I remember we went the night I was supposed to go to Babylon.  I decided that I really wasn't ready and you suggested we do something.  Do you remember?"  Brian asked as he shared his memory of that night.  

"Sure, I do.  That was the same night that I offered to show you the city and its sites,"  Justin said, remembering that night as well.

Brian parked the car in the Station Square lot and they walked up to the ticket booth and bought two tickets.  Turning to Justin he said, "You said since I asked you out, I had to pay."  He grinned at Justin and leaned down to give him a quick kiss on the cheek.  

Justin laughed.  "You sure know how to wow a date,"  he said but then added. "I think this is a perfect first date or 12th date or 100th date.  The views are still spectacular and I don't ever tire of them."

They boarded the Duquesne Incline and they turned toward the windows to enjoy the view.

"This is the third time I've been here in 6 months.  That's a record for me.  I mean the only places I used to go to 3 times were the baths and Babylon and now I'm finding myself here for the 3rd time and I like it.  I especially like the company,"  Brian said, leaning over and giving Justin another kiss on the cheek.  (There were other passengers and while Brian did not public displays of affection, he appreciated they were in a place where that type of display would not necessarily be appreciated. ) 

The car started going up the incline and both men stared out the window watching their ascent up the mountain.  

"When I think about how old these inclines are, I'm impressed with people's ingenuity.  They were built in the late 1800s and they didn't have the engineering and equipment that we have now.  I'm always in awe at the things that were built back then.  I'm more amazed that so many of those buildings and structures survived.  I know a lot of them were torn down through the years, but in many ways, they built things to last, unlike today in our throw-away society,"  Justin said, sharing his thoughts.

"I guess you're right but I never really gave it much thought. I'm always looking to purchase the newest model of a gadget and there isn't anything in my closet over a year old,"  Brian said, sharing this idiosyncrasy with Justin.

They reached the top of the Incline and walked toward the observation deck.  "So you buy new clothes every year?  Doesn't that get expensive?"  Justin asked. 

"I own a boutique advertising agency and I need to portray a certain image.  It wouldn't do to have clothes that are out of fashion.  My customers need to see that I'm successful and I show them that by the office building and my choice of clothing,"  Brian explained.

"I guess I can see that but what do you do with your old stuff? Luckily, my career doesn't call for new clothes very often.  The older, the better it is.  Painting in Prada just doesn't work.  Sure I have some nicer stuff for shows and openings, but the public thinks artists are eccentric and look at our wardrobe differently. My agent just asks that I don't smell like turpentine and don't have paint under my fingernails,"  Justin laughed a little as he explained his professional wardrobe.

They reached the observation deck and Brian reached for Justin's hand, bringing it up to his mouth, and kissed it. "Thank you."

"Thank you?  For what?  I haven't done anything"  Justin asked, slightly confused at Brian's choice of words.

"Thank you for offering to be my sponsor.  Thank you for showing me there is more to life than Babylon and Woody's.  Thank you for helping Gus learn photography and introducing him to art.  Thank you for being my friend but mostly thank you for the kiss,"  Brian said as he listed off the things that he wanted to say to Justin.

"You're welcome, but you don't have to thank me.  I wanted to do all of those things."  Justin leaned over and gave Brian a kiss on the cheek as well.  "You can't be the only one who is sharing kisses,"  he teased.

"The first time we came up here, I wasn't sure if it would be anything of interest.  Obviously, I was impressed as I brought Gus here a little bit later and now I'm back again.  I'm glad you made the suggestion,"  Brian admitted.  "I thought about making a reservation for us at The Grandview Saloon but didn't think we'd have sufficient time to eat.  Next time we come, we'll do it on a weeknight so we have time to really enjoy the view."  

Justin's heart soared when he heard Brian talk about a next time.  He wasn't really concerned that there wouldn't be a next time, but he liked that Brian was on board with that option.

They were one of three sets of people at the lookout.  There was a man and woman standing on the far corner and a woman with a small child that Justin recognized from their ascent up the mountain.  The wind was blowing a cool breeze and it was pleasant.  "I love the changing colors of the bridge.  Imagine what the builders of the original Incline would make of it,"  Justin commented.

"You seem to think about the past.  Is history an interest of yours?"  Brian asked, wanting to get to know Justin better.

"I like learning about the area that I'm in.  Pittsburgh has a rich history dating back to 1742.  In about 20 years, it will have been around for 300 years.  Of course, that is nowhere near the amount of time that cities in Europe have been around, but still, it is impressive. Did you know that the Burke building was built in 1836?"

"I did not.  What started your interest in history?"

"As an artist, old buildings hold a special appeal.  Their interiors are often ornate and the details are works of art, just by themselves. I love looking at the old buildings and thinking about their architects.  It is fascinating,"  Justin explained.

"So really, it's almost an extension of your art?" Brian asked, enjoying hearing Justin talk about his work.

"Actually, everything is an extension of my art.  Art comes from emotions and what is going on in my life at the time.  I know we've talked about how you can't really control when your creativity will kick in.  I love looking at buildings as much as I enjoy watching people,"  Justin said.   "Looking out at the Pittsburgh skyline I think about the early residents of our city and wonder what their lives were like, wonder how their art was inspired, and sometimes I wonder what they would think about their world if they visited it now."

"That is some heavy thinking?  Just what do you do for fun?"  Brian teased as he squeezed Justin's hand.

"For fun, I hang out with you and Gus.  I like to read, but I must admit I read a lot about the old masters and their lives. So, yeah, maybe I am a history geek.  I like to hike sometimes.  Being in nature inspires me but also it is really calming. When you are on a walking path, you don't have any phones ringing or radio blasting, or deadlines to meet.  It can be really nice to just be alone with myself and my thoughts.  I think we get so used to being "On" all the time that we forget to listen to our minds."

"I can appreciate your interest in old buildings but I don't know about hiking.  It's hot and there are bugs.  It's bad enough that Gus likes to go to the zoo.  At least there are some air-conditioned buildings and I'm sure they spray for mosquitoes.  However, I do understand turning things off and letting your mind wander.  Cleo has me keeping a journal and I've found that writing down my thoughts is really enlightening,"  Brian said as he looked out at the city.   "Up here, everything looks so small, like a miniature city."

"You've been keeping a journal.  Is it helpful?"  Justin asked, curious how Brian found the activity.

"It's something I wasn't sure about but I find it very helpful.  It really has helped me focus on my feelings.  Actually, I can now start to recognize my feelings or at least some of them," Brian said, sharing some of his insights with Justin. He quickly realized that he wasn't uncomfortable sharing that information with Justin.  "I've come a long way from the man who stood up here six months ago with you and wouldn't have recognized a feeling if it hit him over the head.  I mean I've been sober for almost 9 months, but I think the first three months I was still in denial that sobriety would take more effort than just attending a few meetings,"  Brian joked, smiling at his own expense.

"You've always known you loved Gus,"  Justin said, reminding Brian that he did recognize some feelings, even 9 months ago.

"True, but other feelings like anger, sadness, and even happiness were foreign.  Anytime I felt anything, I would just drink rather than deal with the feeling.  Even happiness resulted in drinking.  Now I recognize when I have feelings and have learned to react more appropriately. What about you?  Did you have difficulty recognizing your feelings?"  Brian asked Justin, wanting to get to know him better.

"My issue wasn't recognizing them but handling them.  I was constantly angry and chose to use alcohol to deal with the anger.  For me, learning to address my anger in a more appropriate way was my biggest hurdle,"  Justin said as he remembered many angry outbursts.

"I can't imagine you being angry all the time.  You seem to be happy and are always upbeat,"  Brian said, finding Justin's statement contradictory to his image of him.

"I changed a lot.  I was angry at my father for kicking me out.  I was angry at my mom for not supporting me.  I was angry at the galleries for not recognizing my talent.  I was angry because I didn't have money.  Basically, I was angry about everything.  When my agent threatened to drop me, it was a wake-up call and I had to figure out a new life,"  Justin said, remembering that difficult time in his life.

"I had a choice.  Be angry or be happy.  Being angry wasn't getting me what I wanted and being angry is hard work.  Did you know that anger takes more brain power and more energy than being happy? I realized that being angry wasn't helping my art. Sure, I was creating stuff but it was crap.  No one wants to hang anger on their walls."

"So, how did you change your attitude?  My interactions with Lindsay often leave me angry and I've learned how to diffuse my anger, but I wasn't walking around angry all day,"  Brian asked.

"I had to start small.  I kept a gratitude journal.  I know it sounds weird, but I made myself write down one thing that I was grateful for every day.  After a few weeks, I started letting go of my anger.  I came to accept that just like no one can make me happy but myself, I'm also the person who can allow myself to be angry.  Emotions are just our reactions to what is happening.  It's our brain's interpretation of events."

"That is really interesting.  I think that my journaling is doing the same thing.  I mean it is helping me see my feelings and helping me take control of my life.  Thanks for sharing,"  Brian said, happy to know more about Justin.

"Just so you know, being up here with you makes me happy.  I hope you feel the same way,"  Justin said, hoping Brian felt the same way.

"Yes, very happy.  Spending time with you always makes me happy."  They were both quiet for a few minutes as they took in the scenery and the spectacular view.  

"However, we have to leave.  I have to pick up Gus from his party.  You're welcome to come back to the loft.  Gus really missed seeing you last weekend.  By the way, he asked to attend your show.  That was an interesting conversation.  I tried explaining how I was Molly's beard."

"Molly would have loved to hear that explanation.  I know she enjoys attending my shows with you.  Sure, I'll come by for a bit.  I missed hanging out with you guys too.  It makes me happy to be with you and Gus."  Justin said, reminding Brian of his earlier comment.

"Before we leave, I wanted to ask you a quick question,"  Brian hesitated hoping he wasn't out of line asking.

"Sure.  You can always ask me anything.  I may not answer, but I probably will. What do you want to know?"  Justin said as they started walking toward the Incline.

"How'd I do planning our date?  I mean did I get it right?"  Brian asked.

Justin laughed and shook his head.  "It was perfect.  We did something both of us enjoyed, we talked and got to know each other a little better and it was fun.  You did good, Brian,"  Justin said and leaned over and kissed Brian.  "And, since you asked me to come over to your place, I'm hoping we can have a little make-out session after Gus goes to sleep,"  Justin said, letting Brian know that he was interested in extending their time together.

"Oh, I think that can be arranged."  Brian showed their tickets and they got on the Incline to take the trolley back down the mountain.  They continued to hold hands the entire way down and only let go when Justin had to get in the car.  

"I'll drop you at your car and then get Gus.  We'll meet you back at the loft.  It will probably take me another 30 minutes to get back.  If you want, you can grab some coffee for us at the diner around the corner,"  Brian said, realizing that Justin would be there before he returned with Gus. Brian started the car and drove Justin to the lot where his car was parked.  

Justin shook his head in disagreement. "I need to run to the store to pick up some stuff for my apartment. There is a Target on the way.  I'll just do that and meet you at the Loft,"  Justin said, thinking of his chores for the weekend.

Brian reached over to hold Justin's hand as they drove to his car.  When they arrived at the lot, Brian reluctantly let go and said,  "I'll see you in a bit. Later,"  He leaned over and kissed Justin quickly on the lips.  Justin returned the kiss.

"I'll be quick.  See you in a bit."  Justin got out of the car with a huge smile on his face.  Things were moving along nicely with Brian and he couldn't be happier.

Brian picked up Gus from the party and Gus was all hyped up on adrenaline and sugar.  He feared that Gus would be a long time in winding down and he was disappointed that his makeout session would be delayed.

When Brian and Gus got home, Brian told Gus to take a shower as he had been playing hard for the last several hours.  He hoped the warm water would make him a little tired, but he was concerned that the shower might have the opposite effect.  Regardless, Brian knew he needed a shower before he went to bed.

When Gus came out of the shower, Justin was there and Brian and he were in the kitchen making coffee.

"Justin,"  Gus yelled when he saw him.  "Are you going to hang out with us this weekend?  I missed you last weekend?"    

Turning toward Gus, Justin said, "I missed you too.  My weekend is open.  I'd love to hang out with you and your Dad.  What did you have in mind?"

"Dad said something about seeing Fort Pitt.  Have you ever been there?  Do you like history?  Do you know about Fort Pitt? "  Gus asked a string of questions without giving Justin time to answer the first one.

Justin laughed and looked between Gus and Brian.  "I love history and your Dad and I was just talking about that tonight.  Fort Pitt is a cool place but not much of the Fort still exists but the museum is pretty neat."

"You guys have the strangest conversations.  Dad said I could go to your next show too.  When is it?"  Gus asked.

Justin beamed at Gus even though Brian had told him of Gus' interest in attending the show.  "The opening is in two weeks.  You'd probably find the opening boring, but we can see it after it opens.  The art will be on display for a month."

"Okay.  Maybe we can go there on a Saturday.  Aunty Emm said he wanted to see it too,"  Gus said, sharing the information from their conversation last weekend.  He tried to stifle his yawn but wasn't successful.

Brian noticed and said, "Time for bed, Gus.  You've had a busy day.  You have all day to spend with Justin tomorrow.  I'll be in in a few minutes to tuck you in."

Gus turned around and went toward the bathroom to do as his father told him.

"I'll give him a few minutes and then tuck him in.  Make yourself some coffee if you'd like,"  Brian said.

Justin took down a coffee mug and prepared his drink, bringing it into the living room.  Brian did the same as he was waiting to tuck Gus in.  

Brian tucked Gus in and closed his door, then walked out to the living room to join Justin.

Justin asked, "How long do you think it will take him to fall asleep?"

Brian grinned at his innuendo-filled question.  "Not long.  He played hard tonight and he had a full day of school too.  Why don't we turn on the TV, that will provide some white noise?" Brian grabbed the remote and clicked on theTV, finding an action movie that had some louder sound effects.

He leaned in and whispered into Justin's face.  "I seem to remember you mentioning continuing the date once we got here."

Justin's response was to lean in and capture Brian's lips in a kiss.  He opened his mouth in an open invitation to Brian to explore his mouth which Brian did.  They licked each other's lips and their tongues danced on the other's.  

Brian scooted close to Justin and he hugged him while running his hands up and down his back.  Justin returned the hug and did the same thing for Brian.  Both men continued their kissing for several minutes and Justin pulled back a little, taking his hands to Brian's shirt.  He started to unbutton the shirt and Brian leaned back allowing Justin to continue.

Justin took his mouth and kissed Brian's chest as he undid each button and when his shirt was fully unbuttoned, he ran his hands across the soft skin.  He moved in to kiss Brian's neck and then nuzzle his way down his chest until he reached his nipple.  Gently taking Brian's nipple in his mouth he sucked the nub, running his tongue around the edges and then nipping the edges, bringing Brian to full arousal.  He could hear Brian's heavy breathing and knew Brian was enjoying it.  He inhaled Brian's unique scent and his body reacted to the pheromones that Brian's arousal was releasing.  He moaned, showing his pleasure.

Brian enjoyed Justin's exploration but soon wanted to do his own.  He pulled away as he tugged Justin's shirt over his head.  Justin's alabaster skin was beautiful and he found himself saying, "you're a work of art".  He licked his way down Justin's chest, surprised to find a nipple ring through his right nipple.  He let his tongue play with the ring, tugging it gently and then licking around the edges.  He too was reacting to Justin's pheromones. He could feel his cock straining in his jeans.  

Justin looked at Brian and laid his hand over Brian's jeans.  "May I?" he asked, knowing Brian would understand the question.

Brian's answer was to undo the top button of his jeans.  Justin pulled down the zipper and reached into his underwear to find his cock. He caressed the silky skin, marveling at how big Brian's cock was.  

Brian heard a noise that he thought might be coming from Gus' room and pulled back.  "Maybe we should move this to my bedroom?"  He nodded his head toward his bed.

Justin removed his hand and said, " Okay."

They moved to the bedroom but neither man moved to undress.  Brian moved up to the head of the bed and motioned Justin to join him.  "As you were," he smirked as he tossed his shirt to the floor.  

Justin joined him on the bed and reached into Brian's underwear again and caressed the hard cock, playing with the head and the shaft.  He licked his lips thinking of wrapping them around the cockhead and giving Brian a blow job.  "May I?" he asked as he put his hands on either side of Brian's jeans.  

Brian's response was to raise his hips and help Justin pull his jeans and underwear down.  Before Justin could lean down Brian did the same to Justin, divesting him of his jeans and underwear.  Now both men were on the bed, Justin naked and Brian wearing only his unbuttoned shirt.

Brian positioned Justin on his side and engulfed Justin's engorged cock while Justin did the same to Brian.  Each man licking, sucking, and fondling the other one's cock and balls.  The sexual stimulation and tension between the two men finally being able to follow their natural course.  

"Justin, I'm going to come," Brian said, unsure if Justin would want to swallow.

"Me too,"  Justin said.  "Give it to me,"

Brian said, "Okay." and shot his cum down Justin's throat.  Justin swallowed and licked and caressed Brian's cock as he enjoyed the cum. A few moments later, Justin came down Brian's throat and he repeated the same routine.

Each man said nothing as they basked in their orgasm and allowed their bodies to return to their normal breathing pattern.  

"That's one helluva date.  Why did I wait so long to ask you?"  Brian said when his breathing had returned to normal.

"You weren't ready.  Tonight was fun.  Thank you,"  Justin said, always finding post-coital talk a little awkward.

Brian kissed Justin.  "So does this mean we don't have to date anymore and can just go to the sex?"  He asked in a tongue-in-cheek manner.

"Nope, we still have to go on dates.  Next time, it will be my turn to plan.  We still have a lot to learn about each other.  Besides, one mutual blow job does not a relationship make."  Justin got up and started to put on his clothes and button his jeans.  "If I'm going to hang out with you and Gus, I better get home and get some sleep."  

Brian picked up his clothes and started redressing, feeling a little sad that Justin was leaving.  He found that an interesting feeling and thought he would have to explore that later.  "I guess you're right.  I had fun tonight.  Thanks for agreeing to the date.  We'll see you in the morning."  Brian walked Justin to the door and gave him a quick kiss, not wanting to let him leave without their regular goodbye routine.

"I'll be here about 10:00."  Justin leaned over and gave Brian a kiss and walked out the door thinking that he had made the right decision kissing Brian in the mattress store.

TBC

Brian watched Justin walk to the elevator and laughed as Justin made a purposeful swish of his ass just for Brian's benefit.  Justin heard the laugh and smiled but did not turn around.  When Justin left his view, he closed the door, locked it up, and reset the alarm.  He walked into the living room, grabbed his pen and journal, and sat down to write.

Justin and I went on a date tonight.  It only took me two fucking months to figure out that I should ask him.  I mean we kissed or rather he kissed me and then. Brian stopped writing and thought about what he wanted to put down for a few moments.  Cleo had encouraged him to write a journal and up to this point, he had just written what came to mind.  It was his journal and no one else would read it, or at least that was what his intentions were.  He wondered why he hesitated to complete the sentence and realized that it probably had to do with the whole admitting his feelings thing that he'd been working through these last few days.  He picked up the pen and began to write.  Then my world changed.  I have to admit that I'd been thinking about Justin and how I really enjoyed spending time with him.  There was always something holding me back from letting him know.  It was probably the unspoken acceptance that if I said something things would change. Change is hard and I'm not really comfortable with it but I don't think I'm the only one who is uncomfortable with change.  Change can also be good as evidenced by the changes that I've made since I stopped drinking.  I digress, I wasn't talking about change here but about Justin and my first kiss. 

The kiss that added a whole new layer to Brian Kinney.  I've always enjoyed kissing.  It's often the first step in getting off.  Kissing a guy, his tongue exploring your mouth, and your tongue exploring his adds another layer to my arousal.  I picked out a trick by his looks but when we would kiss, I would taste him and smell him as I got closer.  The feel of his tongue and teeth connecting with mine is a sensory smorgasbord of taste, touch, and smell and you add hearing if the guy is vocal and you've got all the senses covered. 

When Justin kissed me it lit up my brain like fireworks. Even though it was a quick kiss, I remember feeling his afternoon stubble, smelling a mixture of dried sweat and a lingering ocean breeze that apparently he uses for body wash.  I remember his quick murmur of mmmm as our mouths connected as well as his declaration that he could get used to waking up like this every day. Licking my lips after the first kiss, I could taste the Pad Thai that he had for dinner.  I hadn't kissed anyone in over 6 months and the experience jolted me when I realized that I'd been kissed by Justin, a man whom I had fantasized about for a while.

Now that we got over our little freakout and decided to move forward with whatever the hell this is we have been kissing a lot.  I've never seen kissing as anything but a prelude to sex, whether it be a blow job or more, but with Justin, it was just enjoyable and I didn't feel any pressure to move it to the next level.

And then ladies and gentlemen I asked him on a date.  Who knew that these were the magic words to the Justin kingdom?  We've been discussing relationships and dating for a few weeks and I guess I had to wrap my head around the whole concept.  After all why date when I could have sex just for the asking?  But Justin had made it clear from day one that he was not interested in a quick blow job or sex for just the purpose of getting off.  He told me that he wasn't interested the first day we met when I suggested it and he has been adamant about not getting into my bed for a quick tumble. 

Ted gave me a quick lesson on the purpose of dating and I guess it makes sense. According to him, people date in order to find someone they want to have a relationship with.  If after a time the relationship doesn't gel, then they move on to the next candidate. Who knew that dating was so formalized?  Since I never planned on finding a partner and didn't see any advantage to having one, dating had never been on my radar.  After all, I could have sex anytime I wanted and I didn't see any need to have someone to share my life with.  Geez, I'm not a lesbian.  But then Justin came into the picture, or rather my life. 

Justin is fun to hang out with.  He's smart and funny and Gus really likes him. 
Gus is a pretty good judge of character.  He once told me that he stopped being friends with a boy because he taunted some kid on the playground.  Kids can be cruel but at least my kid knows that laughing at someone else's expense is not cool.  And the kissing is amazing.  If I had to make a choice for a date on kissing alone, Justin would be a 10+.  I have no idea what is so mesmerizing about his kisses but they are amazing.  When I kiss him, I inhale his smell which is a mixture of ocean breeze and a faint hint of turpentine.  I taste his mouth which is fresh as he frequently pops Altoids in it. I feel the suppleness of his lips which are sometimes chapped as a result of his habit of biting them.   Last, but not least are the little noises he makes which mirror his enjoyment. I wonder if he even knows how vocal he is?  You get the idea.  Fireworks for my brain.  I guess I like fireworks - who knew? 

We started kissing a few months ago.  I find that I look forward to it.  We kiss hello and goodbye and at first, the kiss lasted a short time, maybe 5 -10 seconds.  They were longer than the quick kiss that I would give Mikey but definitely not a prelude to anything more. But then they got longer and when we would meet up for dinner after our meeting the kisses turned into make-out sessions.  Geez, I sound like a teenager talking about their first boyfriend.  But in a way, I kind of am like a teenager and Justin is my first relationship. 

Justin has been educating me on dating etiquette and we've been talking about dating for a while.  A few weeks ago when I was writing in my journal I realized that he was gently pushing me toward the dating thing and probably hoping I would be like the big fish and take the bait.  I guess it worked and I can't say I'm upset about it.  We attend AA meetings five times a week together and sometimes six, depending on whether he can attend the Friday afternoon meeting with me.  I attend my Monday meeting and talk to Cleo after that one.  But the other meetings we attend together and then continue our routine of cooking dinner together and then enjoy a short kissing session.

But tonight, I made the effort of planning an activity and we weren't getting together after a meeting or with Gus in tow.  It is not a good idea to have a make-out session in front of your kid. Lindsay did have a point that I don't want Gus walking in on us even doing more than kissing, which he has seen and wasn't freaked out by. 

Sure the activity was short but it was planned and I think Justin enjoyed my idea.  We were really enjoying the Incline but had to leave so I could pick up Gus.  I guess both of us had the same idea as we got down to the kissing as soon as we were sure he was asleep.

Justin made the first move, unbuttoning my shirt and working his way down to my jeans and eventually my cock.  When he unbuttoned my jeans and pulled out my cock, his hand was a mixture of strength and softness.  His caress was like silk on my cock, but the firmness of his grip and the way his fingers glided over my cockhead brought me to full arousal in a moment.  I, at least, had a few brain cells still firing to realize we should continue our activities somewhere more private.

After suggesting we move to my bedroom, we both stood there like two inexperienced first-timers, unsure what to do next, although I'm not really sure I can remember being shy about sexual activity.  I could feel my cock still straining in my underwear, eager for his touch, and moved toward the bed, signaling that we should move there. Justin quickly joined me and resumed his exploration, quickly asking for permission to take off my jeans, freeing my cock, and providing easier access.  I lifted my hips and then helped Justin get them off and I did the same for him.  Justin was naked, I had taken off his shirt earlier and I had my shirt on but it was unbuttoned.

I had my first look at his naked body. Justin was beautiful, the combination of alabaster skin with a modestly fit body made me even harder if that was possible. It was obvious that he did not spend hours in the gym as he didn't sport defined muscles but his abs were firm and he had a gentle strength to him. He stands a lot while painting and that takes a certain amount of strength and fortitude.  He's also talked about lifting the heavy canvases and carting them to different shows and galleries.  I guess in his line of work there is an inherent amount of physical labor.  I digress.  He licked his lips making them a shiny, wet red delight.  My brain took over and all it could think about was the idea of his delicious mouth engulfing my cock.  I knew what a talented kisser he was and my brain shortcircuited when I thought about my cock and him kissing it.  His cock was impressive, thick but not long and I wanted to explore it as well.  Without really thinking, I positioned him on the bed so we could enjoy each other. 

His talented tongue and lips did not disappoint my cock.  He explored my balls, my shaft, the slit, and the sensitive mushroom head, giving each area the attention it commanded.  Before I wanted to have his blow job end, I felt my balls tightening and ready to shoot.  I warned him and he wanted it all so I shot it down his throat. I don't know if the difference was that it was a blow job versus my right hand, but the orgasm was forceful and left me drained.  I hope he enjoyed my part as well.

When we had recovered, I asked him if we had to date anymore or could just skip to the sex.  Of course, I was only half-joking as I can't imagine what sex would be like if a simple 69 was so mind-blowing.  Of course, he declined and said we still had to date. 

I really like the idea of getting to know Justin.  A big question has been answered.  Is he good at sex?  Not that I really questioned that answer and I find that I don't think it would bother me if he was a little inept.  Techniques can be taught and I know I am an expert in that arena.  For me, it is the idea that we could do this again and I get to spend time with him.  I enjoyed doing something with just the two of us.  That surprised me.  I wasn't sure it would be any different than the dinners that we've been sharing for the last 8 months but it was different.  This seemed more intentional, more important.  Sure, we go to meetings and eat dinner afterward on most nights.  But I would go to meetings regardless of his presence or at least I hope I would.  And everyone has to eat.  Mind you I would probably eat at Liberty Diner as I've been doing for the last umpteen years, but instead, now we eat at each other's homes.  It is more intentional to shop for food and think about cooking for two, but making a special plan to eat together that is not tied to a meeting holds some interest to me. 

I don't think I would find it difficult to eat dinner with Justin when we weren't finishing a meeting and discussing the topic of the day with each other.  We didn't bring up AA once tonight and I'm beginning to understand the need to have separate spaces for your recovery work and your personal life.  I need a safe space to talk about my issues without fear that Justin would feel an obligation to help. 

After tonight's activities, I can see that dating is very different than hanging out after a meeting or with Gus.  I hope now that the sexual stuff has been introduced, we can continue. 

I hadn't realized how much I miss sex. That didn't come out right and I refuse to erase whatever I write.  Sure, I had sex or participated in some type of sex act 2-3 times or more every day.  When you go from that much to nothing but your right hand, it is a big adjustment.  What I think I'm saying is that I was purposefully not seeking sex and my mind had gotten to the point where I was accepting that I had a sex addiction as well as an alcohol addiction.  It was just another way to not face my feelings and live life.  If your mind is constantly thinking about where your next trick is, then you aren't focusing on the here and now and what is happening.

 I would never admit and it would not be lying that I ever thought of sex as anything but getting off and meeting my needs.  But after being with Justin these last few months, I'm beginning to see that it was definitely an addiction for me.  I hid my feelings of inadequacy under the guise of my sexual prowess.  I always got the guy off.  I found that getting the guy off always made sure that he ensured I got off too.  No use in wasting a good hard-on just to have a mediocre blow job or a loose hole. No wonder I was so eager to get back to Babylon those first few months.  Random sex meant that I was a powerful force and no one questioned my desires.  I didn't have to look at why I wanted sex so often but I've come to realize that for me sexual prowess meant that I was successful, that I was good and obviously hot.  I didn't have to think about how I was mistaking my success in the sex department for not having any close relationships and not really being fine.  Through talking and writing and listening to meetings, I've come to realize that I was mistaking my prowess for success in other parts of my life.  I didn't need anyone as long as I could get my dick serviced and since I could have my dick serviced by anyone of my choosing, I did obviously not need anyone in my life.  I know that having other people in your life is key to living a fuller life and having sex is not the way to grow your personal circle. 

I survived my first date and if every date ends with the mind-blowing way this one did, I'm all for more dates.  Justin said he would plan the next one.  I wonder if we'll move on to the full-blown version of sex after that one?  I like the idea but I'm not certain Justin is eager to go there yet.  If I'm honest as much as I'd like to nail him to the mattress, I think he may be right. What has my world come to when the thought of full-blown on sex, nailing a guy to the mattress and the confirmation that I am Brian fucking Kinney does not make me jump?  I think that I'm realizing that there is a whole world out there that does not involve sex or alcohol but does involve making friends and living life. 

That's enough philosophy for today.  I better get some sleep.

Brian closed the book, put away his pen, and placed the journal back on the shelf.  He got ready for bed and slept soundly as visions of Justin danced in his head.

When Gus got up the next morning, Brian was still asleep so he got on the computer and played some Minecraft.  Brian had told him he could get on the computer and play games so he knew it was okay.

He went into the kitchen and poured himself some orange juice and placed the glass on the island.  His Dad would kill him if he drank anything by the computer and accidentally spilled it.  He was drinking his juice and remembered the party favors that his friend had given him at his party.  He took out the bag to see what was inside. There were a few pieces of candy, a cool little Minecraft notepad,  and a small Lego kit.  He opened up the set and poured the contents of the Legos on the island.  He picked up the instructions and reviewed them, thinking that it would be fun to put them together while he waited for his Dad to wake up.  He had just started sorting the pieces when Brian appeared, hair sticking out in multiple directions and his eyes still slightly squinting at the light.

"Morning, Sonny Boy.  Time for coffee,"  Brian said as he walked to the sink to fill a measuring cup with water.

Once his father had poured the water into the reservoir, Gus asked, "Dad, what time does the Fort open?  You said we could go today."

Brian pulled out his phone and tapped on the weather app, verifying the weather for the day.  "Sure.  We talked about it and the weather report hasn't changed.  Justin said he'd be interested too.  Let me shoot him a text and we can finalize the time."

Brian and Gus met Justin at Fort Pitt at 11:00 that morning. They spent the day at the museum and enjoyed the Meadowcroft Historic Village, the Indian village, and the Frontier Trading Post.  Gus took a lot of pictures and Justin pointed out some interesting angles and views for him to photograph. 

Brian and Justin gave each other knowing glances during the day, trying to keep their heightened sexual tension away from Gus' observation.  Gus was so enthralled with their visit and all the places to see that he was oblivious to the new level that their relationship had taken. 

When they returned to Brian's loft after their visit, Gus went to take a quick shower, and Brian went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water for him and Justin. Brian looked at the clock on the microwave when he went into the kitchen, noticing that they only had about thirty minutes before Emmett would show up.  He brought the bottled water to Justin and sat down on the couch next to him.

"It's a shame we only have half an hour and that Gus is in the shower," Brian said as he twisted off the cap of the bottle.

"Oh,"  Justin said, raising his eyebrows in mock questioning.

"Wouldn't want Gus to finish his shower and find us in the bedroom.  That would be awkward, and Lindsay would have a field day.  I guess we have to wait until he goes to sleep tonight for a repeat performance,"  Brian said, stating his interest in repeating their activities from the previous night.

"I guess we should wait, yes.  But that doesn't mean you can't kiss me.  The shower is still running and we could enjoy that, you know a prelude to what will come later,"  Justin suggested, putting down his bottle of water on the coaster on the table.

Brian put down his bottle of water and leaned over to kiss Justin, not bothering to respond with words.  He quickly was lost in the now-familiar taste, smell, and feel of Justin's mouth.  All too soon for both men, they heard the shower turn off and Gus walking to his bedroom.  Brian was happy that he had two bathrooms in the loft.  At least Gus had his own bathroom to use.  It meant that they could both get ready at the same time and gave Brian the only privacy he had when Gus came to visit.  At least he could be alone during the time he showered. 

Gus came out of his room and went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water.  "Justin, you're coming for dinner, right?" Gus asked as he returned to the living room and sat down in the chair opposite the couch.

"Of course.  What are you and Emmett cooking up tonight?"  Justin asked, crossing his legs, hoping Gus didn't notice the tenting in his jeans.  He wasn't sure how much Gus really knew about sex, but he didn't want to be the one who instigated that discussion. 

Gus drank some water and said, "Dad and I bought some chickpeas and chicken and we're making some Indian dish.  Emmett said that it's really good but I don't know if I like Indian food. Do you like Indian food?"  Gus asked.

"I do like Indian food and it is really easy to cook.  The spices are different than you might be used to eating but I bet you'll like it too.  It's always good to try new things,"  Justin said. 

The buzzer rang and Gus went to answer the intercom, thinking that it would be Emmett.  It was and he buzzed him up. 

Emmett came into the loft and greeted everyone.  "Oh, it's good to see you, Justin.  Everyone missed you last weekend.  I can't wait to see your show.  Brian said it is in a few weeks,"  Emmet said and gave Justin a hug. 

Justin hugged him back and said, "Oh, that will be fun.  I hope you like my work."

"Dad is going to take your sister and be her fake date,"  Gus chimed in. 

Justin laughed and said, "Well, I guess you could consider it a fake date as they aren't interested in a relationship. But I'm sure Molly just considers that Brian is helping her out by keeping the guys away while she supports my work."

"And on that note, I think it is time that Justin and I left for our meeting,"  Brian said, not wanting to get another discussion about dating.  He opened the door and waved Justin toward it.  Turning around toward Gus and Emmett, he said, we'll see you in a few hours.  I can already taste the Indian chicken."

Brian and Justin walked toward Brian's car.  Justin commented, "Fake dating?  I think that is an interesting label.  I'll have to share it with Molly.  On the other hand, I'm glad that we did not go on a fake date last night.  I had a lot of fun."

"I did too.  I can't believe that it took me so long to ask you for a date.  If I had known that dating would result in a mind-blowing blow job, I would have done it a long time ago,"  Brian said, as he leaned it to kiss Justin before he walked to the passenger side of the car.

Justin got in the car and waited until Brian got in and started driving to their meeting before he responded.  "Brian, dating isn't all about sex.  It's about getting to know the person to see if you are compatible and want to develop a relationship with them,"  Justin said, as he responded to Brian's earlier comment. 

Brian turned onto the main street and said, "I know what dating is for.  I think I've had enough conversations with people in the last few weeks that I understand its purpose.  I'm just saying that the sex was great.  I can't stop thinking about how good it was and I can't wait to do it again,"  Brian said, sharing his thoughts with Justin. 

"I'm glad you enjoyed it.  I enjoyed the date too.  It will be fun to do it again,"  Justin said as he opened the car door. 

Brian was glad to hear that Justin had enjoyed the evening as well.  After so much angst over the event, Brian was glad that it went so well.  He wanted to share the success with Cleo and show him that he didn't have anything to worry about.

They attended the meeting and returned to the loft for dinner with Gus. After Gus went to sleep, Brian and Justin started making out on the couch like two teenagers.  After a few minutes, Brian motioned his hand toward the bedroom but Justin shook his head.

"While I enjoyed last night a lot, I don't want every time we get together to end up in bed."  Justin said, giving Brian a smile and hoping that this would go over okay.

Brian frowned but said, "Okay.  I just want to go on record saying I'm disappointed.  Is it because Gus is in the other room?"

"No.  Gus has nothing to do with it.  I just think we need to take the sex stuff slowly too,"  Justin said.

Brian reached out to Justin and kissed him, enjoying the feel of his lips, the smell of his skin, and the lingering taste of the Indian food they had for dinner.  After about 20 minutes, Justin pulled back.

"I hate to break this up, but I need to get going.  I've got a busy day tomorrow and if I have any hope of meeting you at the AA meeting, I'm going to have to start my day earlier than normal,"  Justin said, grabbing his empty water bottle and taking it to the kitchen. 

Brian followed him into the kitchen and looked around to ensure that everything from dinner had been put away and that the kitchen was clean. Satisfied he said, "Have a good evening.  See you tomorrow."  Brian walked Justin to the door and watched as he got on the elevator.

On Sunday, Brian and Gus ran some errands and hung out together until Brian had to drop Gus off at Debbie's, and then went to his regular Sunday meeting where he met Justin.  After the meeting, they went to Justin's apartment to cook dinner. Following dinner, they made out for a bit but did not repeat their sex activities from Friday night. 

Monday was busy as usual but Brian looked forward to meeting with Cleo after their meeting.  When they were seated at the diner, Cleo asked his normal question, "How are you?"

"I'm fabulous and just for your information, the date went off without a hitch.  We went to the Incline and though it was a short visit, we enjoyed it.  It was nice to have Justin by himself, without Gus."  Brian stopped what he was saying and expanded his statement.  "That didn't come out right.  I see Justin a lot without Gus, but this time it was an intentional date and that has never happened before.  Having an intentional destination makes a difference.  Afterward, we had some mind-blowing sex. 

 In fact, I don't know why I waited so long. We enjoyed each other a lot and I can't stop thinking about the sex.  I haven't had sex in so long, it's all I can do to keep from dragging him to the nearest half-secluded place and have my way with him."  Brian never hesitated to share his sexual exploits with anyone and he didn't feel the need to do so now, even though Cleo was not gay.

Cleo's internal alarms went off, blaring in his head.  His role as a sponsor was hearing concerning things from Brian.  "I see."

Brian could hear the hesitation in Cleo's voice and his adrenaline started pumping through his body.  He didn't understand why his hesitation was causing his body to feel anxious but he had learned to recognize the feeling. While he knew he would not ask the waitress for a drink or find the closest liquor store to address his anxiety, he was still uncomfortable.

"Talk.  I'm not a delicate flower and won't crumble,"  Brian said, stealing himself for whatever Cleo was going to say.

Cleo felt the waves of anger radiating from Brian's body and the tone of his voice left no room for interpretation.  Brian was upset. 

"I know you're not delicate and I respect you for all that you have accomplished," Cleo said, trying to calm Brian down.

Brian let out his breath, feeling his body slow down the adrenaline dump it had started a few minutes earlier.  "Then why the hesitation?  What the fuck is going on, Cleo?"

Cleo took a deep breath and chose his words carefully.  "Brian, let me start by saying I'm glad that you had a good time on your date. However, your statement regarding sex bothers me."

"What the hell are you talking about, Cleo? If me talking about doing it with Justin is going to bother you, then I think we should just stop your sponsorship here,"  Brian said, feeling defensive.

"Woah, calm down.  I'm not sure what has you so upset.  I'm not here to stop you from dating,"  Cleo started his explanation.  "You've said yourself that sex has been off the table since you got sober and that you think that you were probably addicted to sex like you were addicted to alcohol.  Your statement about thinking about when you could have sex again and it being at the forefront of your mind sent large claxon warning bells going off in my head.  You've been doing so well with your sobriety and I don't want your sexual activities to become a renewed addiction.  When you said that you can't stop thinking about the sex, well..."

Brian nodded in understanding and took a few deep breaths, trying to center himself before responding.  "I see.  So, it's not that you disapprove of my having sex, but that you are afraid I'll go back to my addiction." 

"Right,"  Cleo said, happy that Brian seemed to be rationally talking about the subject.

 "Unlike alcohol, sex is not something I'm willing to give up forever.  I guess there could be worse things?"  Brian said, tongue in cheek.

Cleo laughed.  "I guess there could be worse things than being addicted to sex with the same person.  But seriously, Brian.  I don't want to see you going back to square one and starting your addiction with sex as a substitute for your addiction to alcohol. As your sponsor, I just felt that I had to say something.  You've worked so hard that I would hate to see you backslide. That is one of the reasons AA suggests that you hold off on any new relationships for at least a year. Regardless of whether you and Justin have sex, the newness of any relationship is like an addiction.  Your body dumps a lot of endorphins into your blood, just like alcohol does."

"So that is the reason why AA discourages relationships?  I knew there was something that people weren't talking about.  I've heard people go on and on about avoiding dating and relationships, but no one would really put it into concrete words as you did.  But I can't believe that every person who is addicted to alcohol is addicted to sex?"  Brian said, ending with somewhat of a question.

"No, I doubt that everyone who is addicted to alcohol is also addicted to sex, but it is unfortunate that people stop drinking only to move to a different type of addictive behavior.  Addiction is a brain response and the brain wants to have all of its pleasure receptors satisfied.  Sex is a wonderful way to light up the brain's pleasure receptors and while sex won't get your car wrapped around a tree, it can become so addictive that your brain seeks it out so it can get its fix."  Cleo explained, giving Brian a quick lesson in physiology.

"So, you're telling me that my brain lights up every time I have sex just like it did when I would get drunk?"  Brian asked, making sure he understood Cleo.

‘Sort of.  Pleasure lights up your brain, sending endorphins out to your body when you drink.  Studies have shown that heavy drinkers find that drinking sends out endorphins and alcoholics drink to get those endorphins flowing through their bodies.  Sex, well orgasm also sends out endorphins. That is why you feel so good when you have sex.  Endorphins are the feel-good chemical and whether they come from the same part of your brain when you drink or have sex, the result is similar."  Cleo said, explaining the role that endorphins play in addiction.

"But I like sex and I am good at it.  Are you telling me that every time I have sex, I'm risking my sobriety?"  Brian asked, not liking where this conversation was headed.

"No.  Feeling good and enjoying an endorphin dump is not a bad thing nor is it necessarily a prelude to addiction.  I just want you to be aware that it would be possible to become addicted to sex just like you were addicted to alcohol.  Based on our discussions, you were probably addicted to sex and alcohol,"  Cleo said.

"So, what does this exactly mean for me, dating, and sex? I mean, I don't want to be celibate the rest of my life,"  Brian said, tongue in cheek.

"It just means that you need to be honest with yourself, Brian.  You need to be aware of the pull of those endorphins and ensure that the sex you are having is because you want to have sex not because you miss or want the endorphins.  Sex feels good for a variety of reasons, not the least because it makes you closer to the person you are having sex with,"  Cleo said as the waitress brought their food to the table. 

Both men stopped talking while they ate a few bites of their respective meals.  This gave Brian some time to digest Cleo's statements as well as his dinner. 

"I have to think about my sex life too.  Geez, is there nothing in my life that I don't have to dissect and look at under a microscope?  First I stop drinking, then I learn that I have to talk and now you are telling me I have to be careful about sex, not because I could catch some fatal disease, but because it can become as addicting as alcohol."  Brian said, feeling a little defeated.

"Brian.  If sobriety were terrible, more people would start drinking again.  You've said to yourself that your life is so much better now that you are not drinking.  I encourage you to congratulate yourself on your accomplishments and just be aware of what having sex means for your body.  We all want to feel good.  It is human nature to seek out things that make us feel good. I just want you to be aware of how sex affects your body."  Cleo took a few more bites of his dinner and drank some water.  It was times like these that he sometimes wished that he could have had a sip or two of alcohol, but he knew that was never going to be possible.  He hated to be the person who pushed his sponsoree but knew in this instance he would be committing a grave disservice to Brian if he didn't talk about his own fears regarding Brian's sexual behavior.

"Got it.  Stay sober. Talk. and be careful about sex. Do you have any more words of wisdom about my future life?"  Brian said, with a little sarcasm in his voice.  "I get it Cleo.  You are just trying to be a good sponsor and help me understand that I need to be careful.  I just wonder if I'll ever figure it all out."

"You are doing great, Brian.  Let's change the subject.  I think we're done with the sex talk,"  Cleo said as he took another bite of his meatloaf. 

"Sounds good to me.  My life is going pretty well," Brian started and proceeded to share other challenges that he had navigated through the week. 

They talked and ate and by the end of dinner, Brian was feeling in control.  "Thanks, Cleo.  I know that I reacted poorly to your earlier discussion, but I understand why you needed to bring it up.  I appreciate you.  I promise to think about our discussion."  Brian said as he waved to the waitress to bring them their check.

"Good.  I just want to help and I know sex can be a land mine, even if you are not an alcoholic.  I just want to be sure you have the tools to handle things,"  Cleo said.  "Don't hesitate to call me if you are feeling anxious during the week.

"I won't,"  Brian said as he left money on the table for the waitress including a big tip.  "I'll check in tomorrow.

"Good.  I'll look forward to it.  Don't forget that you can use your journal to help you process your thoughts."  Cleo reminded Brian.

"I do.  I write in it almost every night.  It has helped a lot."  They left the restaurant and Brian walked to his car.  He drove home and thought about sex, endorphins, and Justin.

On his way home, his phone rang and he saw Justin's name come up on the screen.  He did not hesitate to answer the phone.

"Hey,"  Brian said

"Hi.  I just wanted to tell you that I missed you tonight.  Are you free for lunch tomorrow?  We could get together,"  Justin asked, hoping Brian wanted to meet him.

"I think that can be arranged,"  Brian said, mentally reviewing his calendar for the next day.

"Good.  Why don't we meet at the diner on 7th?  It's not too far from your work,"  Justin suggested but thought that it was also not too far from Brian's loft. He hoped that maybe they could enjoy a little more than food. 

"Sounds good.  See you tomorrow.  I'll text you a time after I look at my calendar and double-check things."  Brian said as he calculated how long he could stretch his lunch and still get the prep work done that he needed for the meeting on Wednesday.  He could feel those endorphins lighting up his brain in anticipation of tomorrow.  He hoped he wasn't wrong about Justin's intentions.

TBC

Chapter 9- last time

On his way home, his phone rang and he saw Justin's name come up on the screen.  He did not hesitate to answer the phone.

"Hey,"  Brian said

"Hi.  I just wanted to tell you that I missed you tonight.  Are you free for lunch tomorrow?  We could get together,"  Justin asked, hoping Brian wanted to meet him.

"I think that can be arranged,"  Brian said, mentally reviewing his calendar for the next day.

"Good.  Why don't we meet at the diner on 7th?  It's not too far from your work,"  Justin suggested but thought that it was also not too far from Brian's loft. He hoped that maybe they could enjoy a little more than food. 

"Sounds good.  See you tomorrow.  I'll text you a time after I look at my calendar and double-check things."  Brian said as he calculated how long he could stretch his lunch and still get the prep work done that he needed for the meeting on Wednesday.  He could feel those endorphins lighting up his brain in anticipation of tomorrow.  He hoped he wasn't wrong about Justin's intentions.

Chapter 10

Brian went to work the next morning and reviewed his calendar again.  The last thing he did every evening was to check his calendar for the following day to verify that he had completed any work he would need first thing in the morning.  It gave him a sense of accomplishment to see what he had done during the day and helped keep his work day in order.  In the morning, he also reviewed the calendar to arrange his files in order of his upcoming meetings.  He had an 11:00 meeting with Ted to review a new contract and then he didn't have anything until 2:30.  He smiled as he thought about having lunch with Justin.  He sent a quick text informing him that he'd be available at about 12:30 and told him he'd meet him at the diner on 7th like he suggested.  

He went into the break room where Ted was pouring his morning coffee.  Ted saw the smile on Brian's face and asked, "Did we just land another multi-million dollar account?  You are smiling pretty big this morning."

Brian raised his eyebrows and said, "No multi-million dollar accounts, but Justin asked me to join him for lunch."

"Oh,"  Ted said, debating whether he should comment more.  "I guess your date went well and now he's reciprocating." 

Brian's smile got even bigger and he nodded yes.  "It did go well.  I hadn't thought of this as a date, but maybe you're right.  I better grab my coffee and get to work, if I'm going to meet Justin for lunch."  Brian went to the coffee pot and poured a mug of coffee and added the requisite sugar and cream to it.  When he was done, he brought it to his nose, inhaled the rich aroma, and took a sip.  "Perfect.  I'll see you later, Ted."  

Brian's morning flew by and when he was done with his 11:00 finance meeting, he said to Ted, "I'm off.  I'll see you later."

"Have fun," Ted said, as he smiled at Brian's obvious excitement over a simple lunch meeting.

Brian parked his car in front of the diner and walked in, looking around for Justin.  He spotted him in the back corner and quickly walked to the table where he was sitting.  Justin stood up and gave Brian a hug and a quick kiss on the lips before sitting back down.  Brian returned both the hug and the kiss, his cock showing its appreciation by straining against his pants.  

They sat down and grabbed the menus from the stainless steel holder at the edge of the table.  Brian looked at the menu quickly deciding what he wanted and put down the menu, indicating to the waitress that he was ready to order.  Justin took a few moments longer but quickly followed suit.  The waitress came to their table and took their orders.

"You missed me, huh?"  Brian teased.  "I mean you'd see me at the meeting tonight unless you can't make it?"

Justin smiled and said, "Yeah.  I know we'll see each other tonight, but after the great weekend we had, not seeing you yesterday... I missed you."  

Brian said,  "Yeah.  The weekend was fantastic."

"So, I decided that I didn't want to wait for tonight.  I got to thinking about our conversation and us.  It was really different Friday night, just the two of us.  Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with you and Gus, but Friday night was fun.  Sure, we've spent almost every evening together for the last 9 months, but it's usually after our AA meetings. Up until a few months ago, I was your sponsor so the conversations surrounded your sobriety.  Now things are different."  Justin took a sip of his water.

"So does this mean you asked me out for a date?" Brian asked.  

Justin laughed. "Well.  I guess you would have to call it a date.  That means I have to pay for your lunch.  Good thing that you don't eat a big lunch.  You might break my wallet," he teased.

"Good.  Does that mean we won't be eating dinner together tonight after the meeting?"  Brian asked, hoping that Justin wasn't substituting lunch for their after-meeting dinner.

"I still plan on attending the meeting and we both have to eat.  I just want us to have some time together where we're not attending AA.  Weekends are busy since you have Gus.  We go to meetings every night and work during the day.  I had to come up with some time that we had sort of free.  Lunch seemed our only option since we don't want to give up AA.  And while our dinners after our meetings are not as focused as when I was your sponsor, we still often talk about the information presented in meetings,"  Justin explained as he watched Brian's face during his little speech.

The waitress brought their food and both men took a few bites of their meal.  

"Sounds good to me.  There's only one downside to having "lunch dates","  Brian said as he put air quotes around the words.

"And what is the downside?  I thought it was a great solution," Justin asked.

"The downside is that we don't have time for sex.  I have to tell you Justin that I keep thinking back to the sex on Friday and my whole brain lights up.  I know that if I took you back to the loft or I met you near your apartment, I would not want to return to work,"  Brian confessed his thoughts on their sexual activities from the other night.

Justin smiled and blushed slightly.  "Ah, I see now.  You only want to meet me if you can get off,"  Justin teased and took another bite of his burger.  "Well, Brian, I guess we will have to figure out a way around that problem.  Neither of us can take off the afternoon on a regular basis.  I guess the sex part will have to wait until the evenings.  Just think of the anticipation."

"Anticipation is not what my cock likes to hear.  Instant gratification is more my style.  But for you, I guess I will compromise.  So are you saying that we can have sex tonight after our AA meeting?  If so, I can tell you that I might have a hard time concentrating knowing what is waiting once we're alone,"  Brian said, enjoying the sexual tension and light-hearted teasing.

Justin licked his lips and looked at Brian. "Who says that every time we get together we're going to have sex?  Anticipation and spontaneity are important, but sex should be special,"  Justin said, stepping back a little in their little light-hearted banter. 

Brian ate a few bites of his salad before he responded.  "Cleo and I talked about sex last night."  He stabbed some lettuce with his fork and did not continue right away, trying to decide if he wanted to bring up the discussion. 

"Really?  Was he uncomfortable with the fact that you are gay?  Somehow, it didn't seem like he would mind.  I mean, I've never met him but you never try to hide your sexuality,"  Justin said, hoping that Brian was not regretting having Cleo as a sponsor and would have to find a new one.

"No, he's fine with my sexuality.  It's not like I'm trying to sleep with him,"  Brian smiled and licked his lips as he looked at Justin.  "Otherwise, I might decide that I'm a bad influence on my sponsors. He was warning me about sex."

"Warning you about sex.  Care to elaborate?  I mean you're not some teenager who hasn't lost their virginity and he surely doesn't see his role as your parent,"  Justin said, commenting on Brian's statement.  

"I told him that after we had sex, all I could think about was doing it again.  I told him it was like my brain lit up and I just wanted that feeling again as soon as possible.  He started talking about endorphins and how sex and drinking both dump endorphins into your brain. Basically, he was warning me about substituting alcohol addiction for sex addiction."  Brian took a drink of water, feeling his throat a little dry.  He wasn't sure what kind of response he expected from Justin, but he hoped Justin wouldn't put the brakes on their sex exploration.

"I see.  Well, he's not wrong.  Sex endorphins can be really enticing.  I can see how he would want to warn you about having sex since you just described it as lighting up your brain,"  Justin said, mulling over the conversation in his brain.  "What do you think?  I mean, do you think you enjoyed the sex and am seeking for us to do it again because you want the endorphin high or is it something else?"  Justin hoped Brian would be truthful when answering the question but knew this was a topic that needed exploring.

Brian pushed the salad with his fork, looking intently at the bowl in front of him.  "Can it be both?  I mean, I've been getting off with the help of my right hand for months and while it took the edge off, the orgasmic high that Cleo talked about was definitely lacking.  Sure it felt good, but sex the other night was more than good."  Brian answered, surprised that he was having this in-depth conversation about sex and endorphins at 1:30 in the afternoon in a diner.  He was actually surprised that he was having it at all.  After all, talking about sex was not what he wanted.  He was all about doing and not talking.  

"I'd say the sex the other night was more than getting off.  Sure, I got off, but I used to get off 3, sometimes 4 times a day and the orgasmic high only lasted a few minutes.  I constantly sought the high from sex, whether it was having a blow job, penetration, or a quick hand job at Woody's.  The object was to get off.  I think that since I'm not running to Woody's or Babylon to get my dick sucked, it's more than just the endorphin high."  Brian explained his thought process.  He'd spent some time the night before writing in his journal trying to figure this out and that was what he'd settled on.  He didn't expect to have the conversation with Justin, but then again, he'd had many conversations with Justin that he would have never dreamed he would have with anyone.  Looking at Justin he added, "I think that seeking the endorphin high is specific to sex with you.  Now that I think about it, the idea of getting off with a random stranger still holds some appeal, but I'd rather do it with you."

Justin listened and nodded as Brian spoke.  He allowed him to finish before he added more to the conversation.  "So you think that the sex we had the other night was more than just getting off?"

"Yeah.  Talking about sex and whether I want it to get off or something else is all good and wonderful, but it still doesn't solve the problem of us actually doing it.  I don't think going around with a perpetual case of blue balls is going to add anything to our relationship.  There has to be a better solution,"  Brian said.

"We could skip lunch and just have sex,"  Justin teased, but added, "however, that isn't going to work.  I don't work well on an empty stomach." 

The waitress came by their table and they stopped their discussion long enough for her to ask if they wanted anything else.  They both said no and she poured them both some water.  

"What about just skipping a meeting once a week and having sex instead?" Brian offered.

"That could work but then sex is scheduled and I don't want to feel obligated to have sex just because it is our date night,"  Justin countered. He ate a few french fries and drank some water, giving himself some time to think.  "If our relationship is only about sex, then I think we don't need to even worry about where, when, or how that is going to occur.  I can hook up with guys any time, but I thought we were more than two guys hooking up."  Justin felt a cold chill surging through his body.  He was happy where their relationship was heading and he hoped that enjoying mutual blow jobs last night had not derailed it.   He hadn't thought that asking Brian for a lunch date would end up so volatile and with the possibility that they would end their 3-month exploration so soon.

Brian felt like he'd been doused with cold water and felt a chill across his body. He heard Justin's change in voice and alarms went off in his head.  He said,  "I don't want that.  I'm sorry I even brought up the topic." Brian reached out his hand to lay it on top of Justin's hand and gave it a tight squeeze.

"I don't want it either, but .... Our relationship can't be about sex,"  Justin said.  There was so much more he wanted to add, but he felt like Brian was already on the defensive.

"Look, why don't we start the conversation over?  I enjoyed Friday night and look forward to going on more dates with you.  I think we'll have to get creative about dating since our free time is so limited,"  Brian said, trying to summarize his earlier thoughts minus the sex talk.

"Brian, you can't just take back the whole conversation about sex.  It's the pink elephant in the room. We can start over, but we have to include that topic too,"  Justin said, reminding Brian that it was still something they needed to figure out.

"What do you want me to say, Justin?  I like sex and I like sex with you.  I'd rather have sex with you than some random stranger and I'm not sure how that will figure into our lives since we both have jobs, attend meetings every night and I have Gus every weekend,"  Brian said, making his statements short and succinct.  

"Okay, that's a good start. I don't think we need to have a plan or figure it out.  After all, there are a lot of people who have busy lives and make a go of their relationships.  I just want you to be sure that you are not dating me so you can have sex or seek the endorphins that go with sex,"  Justin said, clarifying his stand on the topic.

Brian thought for a moment and let their conversation mull in his mind.  He and Cleo had talked about Brian's need for control and knowing what was expected and while he really did want to have a firm plan, he realized that Justin did not.   " I guess I can try and work without a plan, but you know I don't like not knowing what is coming.  Either way, having sex was a really nice addition.  I get where Cleo is coming from and he's probably right about my sex addiction, but right now the only person I want to have sex with is you so I guess there is that,"  Brian finished the last of his salad and waved the waitress over for the bill.

Justin pulled his hand out from under Brian's hand and squeezed it tightly.  "Me too.  I liked the sex part as well, but hopefully, there is more to  our relationship than sex."

"Yes, there is, " Brian said, trying to reassure Justin and hoping that his eagerness had not ruined their relationship.  "I want to continue our relationship, but I guess my endorphins got the best of me."  

"I get it, endorphins are nature's way of making us feel good, and who doesn't like to feel good?"  He glanced over at the clock above the door.  "However,  I have some work I need to finish before I come to the meeting tonight and I assume, that you didn't actually plan on spending the entire afternoon in one of our beds, despite your expressed interest in said activity."  

Brian grinned and said, "You're right.  I have a 2:30 appointment and while I would like nothing more than to take you back to my loft or head to your apartment for an afternoon of sex and loads of endorphins, I do have a business to run.  I guess my cock got the better of me.  It missed the endorphins." Brian licked his lips, unconsciously as he remembered the excellent blow job from the previous night.

Justin leaned over to give Brian a quick kiss.  I'll see you tonight.  I might be late as I have a late afternoon appointment, but I should be able to make it."  Justin grabbed both of their bills.

"Remember, I asked you so I have to pay,"  he said with a huge grin on his face.

Brian waved his hand at Justin and pushed his bill toward him. " By all means. See you tonight."

Each man went back to work thinking about their lunch and continuing their relationship

After their meeting that evening, they went to Brian's loft to cook dinner. 

"With the way your stomach is growling, I would ask if you skipped lunch, but I know you ate.  I watched you chow down on that huge ass hamburger and fries at the diner," Brian teased as he grabbed the fish from the fridge.  "You mentioned that Whole Foods had Red Snapper on sale and it had been a while since you had any.  I took the liberty of picking up some yesterday on my way home from my meeting.  There is a Whole Foods around the corner and while I did my shopping, they even cooked it up for me. All we need to do is heat it up and make something to go with it.  We can make some cilantro rice and have some roasted vegetables to go with it or we could just go for a salad,"  Brian explained as got out the pan to place the fish into.  

"I'm really hungry so why don't we go with a quick salad while the fish reheats?  Thanks for picking the fish up.  I really do love it.  How did they cook it?" Justin asked as he turned on the oven to reheat the fish.

"They seared it.  It's amazing to me that a grocery will cook your food for you while you shop.  It's like take out but better since you kill two birds with one stone,"  Brian said as he got out the makings for a salad.

"Fish is a quick-cooking food and really healthy for you.  Maybe it is the grocery stores that are conspiring to make us all healthier. After all, people will be more likely to do things that are free.  As a marketing expert you should know that if you offer someone a deal to buy one get one free or 25% off or some other enticement, they are more likely to buy the product,"  Justin said, adding in his PSA for good measure.

"True.  Companies do sell more items when they offer a discount on the second one. That is why companies like Groupon do so well.  If I know that I'm getting something at a discount, I'm more likely to buy more at the store than if I had to pay full price,'  Brian agreed as he got out the salad bowls and utensils.

"Still, I'm going to go grocery shopping regardless if they cook my fish or not," Brian commented.  

"True, but would you have chosen that store if they didn't cook your fish.  There are lots of grocery stores.  You could have chosen to shop at a different one that didn't cook your fish,"  Justin said as he began placing the spring mix in the bowls.  He grabbed a tomato from the counter, a knife from the knife block, and the cutting board to cut the tomatoes into wedges for their salad.  "I can't wait until the farmer's markets open.  I just love the taste of fresh vegetables." 

"I only go to the best groceries so I wouldn't know if the other stores offer fish cooking, but I was impressed with the multitude of offerings for cooking.  They had at least 5 spice combinations or you could choose your own.  I guess it would be too much to ask that they cook up a chicken or beef dish,"  Brian said.

"That would put restaurants at a distinct disadvantage and besides would you really want to shop for an hour or more while your chicken is cooking?  Groceries do offer a variety of pre-cooked foods that you can pick up and heat up at home. If you go to the deli section, they have prepackaged salads, chicken, lasagna, sides... all kinds of food.  You would never have to cook if you didn't want to. The stuff in the deli is usually pretty good and you can find some healthier options,"  Justin said, acknowledging Brian's penchant for healthy eating.  He sometimes questioned Brian's purported rules for eating since he used to drink most of his calories, but this was not an intervention to get Brian to make healthier choices.  Instead, he provided another PSA in the form of letting Brian know about food options at the supermarket.  "I'm surprised that you haven't picked food up from the deli area, especially since you didn't really cook before you stopped drinking."  Justin placed the salads on the table and grabbed the silverware placing them on the table as well.

Brian took the fish out of the microwave and placed the hot pan on the stovetop.  He took down two plates and divided the fish into equal portions.  "Let's eat.  I bet my neighbors can hear that rumbling coming from your stomach," he teased. 

Brian took a bite of the fish and said, "This is really good.  I'll have to try a different kind next time and see if it is as good. But in answer to your earlier question, before I got sober, almost all my meals were eaten at the diner.  When I asked Emmett to hang out with Gus on Saturdays and to teach him how to cook, I had to give him by Black card to outfit the kitchen.  Spending time cooking was just time wasted that I could have been drinking or fucking. 

Until we started cooking together, I really hadn't thought about preparing anything beyond a guava shake for breakfast.  If you had opened my fridge before I got sober, you would have found some guava juice, some poppers, and possibly some leftover Thai. I take my earlier statement back.  If I wasn't eating at the diner, I ordered take-out.  I still have a full drawer of menus over there,"  Brian said as he pointed to the drawer by the fridge.  

"Again, much easier to order take-out while I was enjoying an after-work drink or getting my dick sucked than to consider grocery shopping, looking at recipes, and then actually cooking food. If you hadn't suggested we start cooking our meals together, I probably would have been fine with eating out." 

Justin bristled a little at Brian's briskness but knew it was one of his defense mechanisms.  He also accepted that Brian was not the same man today as he had been when he was drinking.  He remembered telling Brian that he would not hold Brian's past transgressions or behavior from when was drinking as he was a different person today than he was at that time.  Instead, he tried to keep the conversation on the lighter side and asked, "Didn't you miss home-cooked meals?" thinking about all the different dishes his mom used to make.  

Brian sneered before answering.  "Home-cooked meals consisted of whatever I could find in the fridge or pantry.  When my mom was sober enough to even go to the grocery store, she picked up food that didn't need cooking.  I ate a lot of peanut butter and jelly, American cheese, hot dogs, and tuna fish when I was a kid.  School lunches were as close to a home-cooked meal as I got." He took a bite of his salad and drank some water.

"I'm sorry,"  Justin said, feeling a wash of sadness that Brian had to scrounge for himself during his childhood.  "That's really sad that your mom didn't cook for you and that you had to find your own food."  While Justin was somewhat estranged from his mother due to her siding with his father when his father kicked him out due to his sexuality, he did remember feeling that he was important when he was a young child. 

"What about your Dad?  Didn't he see that your mom wasn't there to cook?"  Justin asked, curious about Brian's family and finding the segway too easy to ignore. 

Brian gave a perfunctory pfft to Justin's question and explained, "Dad would stop off to have a few with the ‘boys' before he came home from the factory every night."  Brian put the word boys in air quotes. 

"Usually, he was already on his way to being plastered before he walked into the house.  He'd walk in, mom would hand him a sandwich and a beer and leave him to fall asleep watching tv every night.  On Saturdays, he would go down to the union hall or to the local pub to hang out with his buddies and on Sunday when she was at church, he would just sleep most of the day.  I guess for him Sunday was his body's day off from his drinking.  The most interaction he had with us was to get mad at some imaginary discretion, and then take out his frustration on me.  He usually didn't hit my sister, but sometimes he would hit my mom."  

"That's terrible,"  Justin wanted to say so much more but waited to see if Brian continued.

"They're the reason I didn't have a relationship with Gus for a long time. I didn't want to turn into my old man, drunk and hitting my kid.  I kept my interactions with Gus to only a few times a month, feeling that I could manage to not drink for those short periods of time.  Like I said, it was a huge wake-up call when I wrapped my car around the tree just after leaving Gus with Lindsay.  I'd gotten to enjoy spending time with him and realized that there was a whole part of his life that I was missing because I was drinking.  After being able to maintain my sobriety for a few weeks, I started asking Lindsay to see Gus more often and then,  well you know the rest of the story,"  Brian said, taking another bite of his fish. 

 "Have you ever had the grocery cook your fish?"  Brian asked, hoping to change the subject.

" A few times, especially if I'm in a hurry and really hungry.  I'll grab some premade food from the deli and take it home,"  Justin said, recognizing Brian's tactics.  However, he wasn't quite ready to change topics.

"Thank you for sharing.  It seems like a hard topic for you.  On the other hand, I want you to know that we've been talking for at least an hour and a half and learning about each other.  See, this is what dating is all about.  It doesn't have to be a formal negotiation where one of us asks a question and the other answers it like we are on the witness stand.  It's just the ebb and flow as we talk about our lives and sometimes our past."

Brian smiled.  "I guess this dating thing isn't so bad, but I gotta ask, does that mean we  can make out now?"  Brian's grin was mischievous like a child who got an ‘A" on his test and wanted a reward.

Justin looked at the clock on the microwave and shook his head.  "Sorry, no can do.  I've got an early meeting with the gallery owner tomorrow and I do not like mornings.  I really need to be as awake as possible as we will be discussing the final details of the show next week."  Justin took his salad bowl and plate to the kitchen, scraped the remnants into the disposal, and then placed them in the dishwasher.  "Speaking of the show, have you talked to Molly about details?  I know you said something about bringing Gus and Emmett, but I wasn't sure."

"I'm not sure when Emmett plans on coming, but I don't think an opening is the right time for Gus to see your work.  I don't want him interrupting you when you need to talk to your patrons.  Besides, if I know Gus he will want him to be able to ask you questions and really look at the paintings. We had talked about bringing him during the day when there are fewer people and we won't be taking you away from your public."  Brian grabbed his plate and bowl and followed Justin into the kitchen, scraping his food scraps into the disposal and also putting his dishes in the dishwasher. 

 "I haven't talked to Molly.  I'll call her tomorrow and ask Emmett when he plans on attending,"  Brian said as he walked over to Justin who was putting the pan in the sink.  He turned him around and bent his head to kiss him on the lips.

Justin placed his arms around Brian's neck pulling their bodies close as they enjoyed a deep kiss.  Reluctantly after a few moments, Justin pulled back.  

"I'd love to stay, but I have to leave."

Brian nodded and grinned a little sheepishly.  "I know.  I just couldn't resist a little kiss.  Thanks for the second date.  Is it my turn next time or is there some special order for these things,"  Brian said tongue in cheek.

Justin walked toward the door and said, "While there is no special order about dating, some people feel that they have rules to guide them.  I don't have time to go into them tonight, but maybe tomorrow, we can talk about them."  Justin looked at Brian as he rolled his eyes.  "I know, more talking, but you must admit tonight was fun, even without the make-out session.  It was two people who enjoy each other's company sharing a meal and conversation.  Didn't you like it?"

"Sure, A man's gotta eat,"  Brian teased but added when he saw Justin shaking his head.  "Yes, I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed our earlier lunch too.  You know me, I like to plan but I'm working on spontaneity or at least living without too much control."

Justin smiled widely and gave Brian a hug and kissed him quickly on the cheek.  "I'll see you tomorrow night.  Have a great day."  He opened the door and Brian watched him get on the elevator.

He went into the kitchen and cleaned the pan, wiped the counters, and made sure everything was put away.  He still had a lot of energy and decided that he should write in his journal.  Taking out his special pen and the journal, he sat at his desk and wrote.

Today I saw Justin twice; he asked me to lunch and then we attended our AA meeting and had dinner.  I was really excited about eating lunch with him and half hoped that would mean that we would spend a little time making out and enjoying a quick hand or blow job, but that didn't happen.  Instead, we talked about sex.  Yeah, sounds boring and it was not nearly as fun as doing it, but I'm beginning to see that talking has its place.  We discussed endorphins of all things.  I haven't thought of that shit since high school biology and I'm pretty certain that a discussion about how drinking and sex both dump endorphins into your body was definitely not in the lesson plan.

Maybe it should be?  If kids were taught about this stuff, it might result in less drug and alcohol addiction and teen pregnancy. But I'm not here to espouse what kids should be taught, although I think that I should make sure that Gus understands this shit.  I don't want him getting some girl pregnant or ending up being an alcoholic like me.  Although if he was gay, that would be great too.  I've learned enough through AA that I know if your parent is an alcoholic you have a much higher risk of becoming one too. I'm sure Lindsay will love it when she learns that I'm teaching safe sex practices to Gus and educating him on alcohol and drug abuse.  But parents need to take an interest in their kids' lives.  I wonder if my parents had taken even the slightest interest in me if I'd turned out differently.  Water under the bridge, or whiskey as it were.  I can't regret what I can't change.  

Cleo called me on my no apologies, no regrets policies and I'm beginning to see that there is merit in apologies; however, you can't change regret. The only thing you can do with regret is to learn not to do the same shit over again.  I'd have to really go way back to figure out if I regret shit but I can honestly say that I do regret not being more involved in Gus' life.  I'm making sure that I am upfront and present where my kid comes into play and I can't imagine that changing.  

Anyway. I got to see Justin twice today and I guess I could say that we went on two dates.  He pointed out to me that our dinner tonight really didn't touch on anything to do with our meeting and was just two people who liked each other getting together and sharing their lives.  I can honestly say that I was disappointed that we didn't get to make out but maybe it will make me appreciate the times that we do make out.  I want to keep Cleo's warning to heart and be sure that I'm not exchanging one addiction for another.  I think that I'm not because I'm not going out and seeking anonymous sex but waiting not so patiently for Justin.  I sound like a love-sick teenager. Does he like me or does he not and will we do shit today or am I going to have to wait.  I'm beginning to understand what all that teen angst is about.  

Tonight I got my 9-month chip at the meeting.  All the members of the group congratulated me and of course, Justin gave me a hug. But I got a lot of hugs from other members too.  I guess alcoholics like to hug.  Anyway, I kind of half-expected us to talk about my 9 month anniversary tonight, but it didn't even come up.  I'm glad that it didn't come up in conversation with Justin.  It just shows me that he has truly stepped away from the role of my sponsor.  It's too late to call Cleo, but I'll talk to him tomorrow.  I want to share with him my thoughts about my chip.  I think he'd be proud of me.  

Pride. What a weird feeling.  I don't think anyone has ever been proud of me. Sure, I've gotten awards for my work in advertising and I've gotten promotions, but proud of me as a person?  When I was drinking I pretended not to care what others thought about me and hid all my feelings and uncertainties in a bottle.  I've learned that much from AA.  After 9 months I'm pretty good at being able to look at myself and see how I used to view the world versus how I view it now.  I can also see that I was most likely wary of feelings and ran from them.  Pride is a new word in my vocabulary as it relates to me. I've told Gus a hundred times that I'm proud of him but I don't think I've ever admitted to being proud of myself.  I honestly am proud of myself.  I've come a long way from the guy who wrapped his car around a tree and went to an AA meeting.  Life is looking pretty good right now.  

Brian put down his special pen and reread his thoughts.  He was always amazed at what he came up with when he was writing and his last paragraph really made him happy.  "I am proud of my life," he said out loud.  He put away the journal, and his pen, and locked up the loft for the night.  He was excited to see what the next months would bring.

TBC

Despite their parting words the night before, Brian and Justin did not see each other for the next few days.  Brian had an emergency at work, having to reschedule an entire photo shoot due to the venue closing down after a water main break while Justin had to finish several paintings for his upcoming show.  His agent had decided that he needed two more paintings so he had to scramble and complete the two that he had started. He was glad he usually had something he was working on, but he really didn't like to be pushed into producing on demand.

Brian had called him the first night and told him he couldn't make the meeting and the second night it was Justin's turn to back out of their meeting.  On Friday, Brian usually attended the AA meeting in the afternoon since he had to pick up Gus. When Justin had texted him the night before to apologize for not making the meeting, he'd been disappointed but understood that sometimes there were more pressing things than an AA meeting and eating dinner with Brian. Brian had gone to their regular Thursday meeting, feeling like something was missing from the experience.  He admitted that he'd gotten really used to having Justin by his side, even though he was no longer his sponsor and he missed his presence.  

Friday morning Ted popped into Brian's office and asked if he and Justin were going on another date.  

"Not that I know of.  We had a great time at lunch the other day and our dinner after our AA meeting that night was really enjoyable, but I haven't seen him since Tuesday.  I guess we're paying for being together twice in one day by not seeing each other since.  I had that photo shoot fuck up and he had work stuff the last couple of days.  I usually don't see him on Fridays since I pick up Gus and attend a meeting at lunchtime since it's not really very convenient for him to drop everything in the middle of the afternoon to attend a meeting.  I usually don't see him until Saturday,"  Brian said, providing an in-depth explanation of his get-togethers with Justin. He picked up his coffee mug and finished the last bit of coffee.  Putting it down, he looked at Ted and added, "I've gotten really used to having him around and I miss him. I keep thinking about everyday things that I do and think oh, Justin would get a kick out of this, or I wonder what Justin would think about this article.  Do you do that?"

Ted smiled and nodded his head.  "Sure I do.  I like checking in with Blake, even if it is just to share a news story that I thought he might like. It's part of being in a relationship.  You start thinking about the other person, instead of only yourself."  Ted turned around to go back to his office, but added, "I'm glad to see you and Justin are doing okay."

Brian listened to Ted's comment and nodded his head in agreement.  ‘Yeah, we are doing okay.'  He realized he had not reached out to Molly about next week's opening and looked up the number to call.

"Beros Law Firm.  Molly speaking.  How may I direct your call?"  Molly said as she answered the call.

"Hi, Molly.  It's Brian Kinney.  I keep forgetting to call but I just wanted to make sure that you would like an escort to Justin's show next week?  We could do dinner beforehand,"  Brian said, getting to the point quickly.  He knew she was at work, but did not have her cell phone number and didn't want to take too much of her time.

"Oh, Hi, Brian.  That sounds good.  Justin told me you'd be calling and I guess I just assumed we would be going together.  Here's my number and you can call me after 6:00 tonight so we can plan the particulars."  Molly said as she rattled off her phone number.

"Okay. I'll call you tonight.  Bye,"  Brian said and hung up the phone.  He put an alarm on his phone to remember to call Molly and went to work.  He only had a few hours before he had to leave for his meeting and then he wouldn't have a lot of time when he returned before he had to pick up Gus.  

On his way to his meeting, he thought about all the changes in his life since he'd quit drinking.  He was still somewhat amazed that he actually liked his current life and looked forward to spending time with Gus and Justin.  He'd always enjoyed spending time with Gus but sometimes he felt that he had no idea what he was supposed to do with him.  Now, he felt confident in his interactions.  Now, his biggest challenge was to feel confident with dating.  He liked Justin and was becoming quite fond of him, but he still struggled with what he was supposed to do when it came to dating. Of course, their mutual blow jobs last weekend frequently made him smile as he remembered the unbridled lust and satisfaction.  

He walked into the meeting and was greeted by several people who regularly attended.  As at all meetings, the leader called the individuals to start as she was mindful of everyone's time.  

"My name is Sheila and I am an alcoholic.  I've been in recovery for 10 years, but I'm still an alcoholic.  I just don't drink anymore.  Before we get started, welcome to the Nooner Club.  If this is anyone's first meeting, welcome.  There is a meeting in the next room for people who are just starting their journey, but you are welcome to stay here.  I want to add that everything said in this room is anonymous, hence the title of the meeting Alcoholics Anonymous.  Feel free to provide your first name if you want, but it is not necessary.  However, it is helpful if the group has something to call you.  Hey you, seems a little too anonymous."  At that last statement, a few people in the group laughed and nodded their heads in agreement.  Sheila looked around the small circle of 12 people and nodded at a few of them, visually ensuring that she had the attention of the group.  

"Today I want to talk about serenity.  By nature, the lives of alcoholics are chaotic.  We have made everything in our lives around finding that next drink.  We think about our next drink, count down the minutes till we can grab that drink, and even when we do start to drink, we wait while our bodies absorb the drink until we don't have to feel anymore."

"That's pretty accurate, but it sounds so cynical.  I'm Lila by the way,"  said a woman who appeared to be in her early 40s and was dressed in business casual blue pants with a floral top.

"I'm not trying to be cynical, just honest.  Just a voice vote, does anyone disagree with my statement?"  Sheila asked.

A chorus of "Nos" was heard in the small meeting room.  

"Okay.  So let's move forward.  We all agree that alcohol was the center of our lives but now we are working on our sobriety. We are often tormented, regretting what we allowed alcohol to do to our lives, and wanting to live a better life. We need to move from regret to peace and serenity."  Sheila stopped talking, allowing her words to sink in for a few moments before continuing.  She found that the mark of a good leader lay in allowing her audience to digest her message in small doses.  She'd had many participants comment on her leadership throughout the years and had lost count of the number of people she had sponsored.  

"Serenity is one important key to maintaining sobriety.  Sure, we have to learn new coping mechanisms, understand and recognize our triggers as well as try to avoid those triggers when we can.  But the reality is we have to learn to regulate our thoughts and feelings.  We need to handle the ups and downs of life,"  Sheila stopped again.  She hoped that someone in the group would speak up and share their thoughts.  She'd learned a good leader did not monopolize the meeting, but started the conversation and intervened when needed.

"I'm Jose and I've been sober for 3 years now.  In the beginning, all I could think about was how I had screwed up my life.  My partner had left me and I'd been fired from a job I was pretty good at.  It took me about 6 months of sobriety to learn to appreciate my life as a sober person.  At first, I didn't see anything I was good at, just the negatives.  Now, I've learned how to handle crap that is thrown at me."  

Brian didn't often speak but he wanted to share.  "On the way over here today I was just thinking that I really liked my life. I feel confident that I can handle the good and the bad without turning to liquor.  My sponsors.... Yeah I've had two, but that is another story.   My sponsors have taught me to recognize my feelings and some great coping mechanisms.  Unfortunately, I've had to use them but they work and that is what is amazing."

Sheila nodded and said, "Why do you say, unfortunately, Brian?"

"I said unfortunately because I hoped that my family would accept the changes in my life without throwing back my previous behavior,"  Brian said, explaining his statement.

"That is unfortunate that they don't accept your changes, but I think you are missing the positive here.  You are using your strategies to handle your disappointment.  You're not turning to alcohol like you did in the past.  I encourage you to think about your first statement regarding your confidence in handling your life, rather than the disappointment you feel in your family,"  Sheila said, hoping to help Brian see that he was successful despite his family's actions.

"I'm Carrie,"  said a woman who sat next to Brian.  He recognized her as she often attended this meeting.  "Serenity is the ability to be calm and accept life's ups and downs. It sounds like you are practicing serenity, but you are still feeling like you should have an impact on how your family acts.  Remember, our brains interpret actions. Your family may say things like you always do this or you'll never change, but it is up to you and your brain whether to believe the statement is true."

"Right," said Sheila.  "It is everyone's choice to interpret actions. Actions by themselves are neither good nor bad."

"So.... Just by not reacting to my family's expectations, I'm taking charge of my life,"  Brian said, an aha moment clicking in his head.  "I feel that my life is pretty good right now, despite what my family says.  My challenge is to keep things positive.  Is that the serenity thing you're talking about?"  

There were nods from several other people in the group and a young man spoke up.  "Hi, I'm Alvin.  Sobriety is about making conscious choices every day. There's not a day that goes by that I'm not confronted by my feelings, whether I judge them to be good or bad ones.  I've learned that I can't put my feelings into little piles of good or bad.  It's all about how I choose to react."  Alvin pointed to the coffee cup he held in his hand.  "This is the coffee that AA brews for the meetings in this room.  The coffee is neither bad nor good, but I choose to decide if it is bad or good.  I know that seems rather simplified, but my taste in coffee determines what I feel about it.  You may find it great and another person may find it horrible, but you both are interpreting your taste."

Several people looked at the cup of coffee they held in their hand, brought it up to their faces, and smelled it.  Brian watched in fascination as some people grimaced and others smiled and chose to take a sip. 

Alvin watched the people in the group and nodded his head acknowledging that his message had been received.

"Serenity is a state of being.  It's a person's ability to accept that there are ups and downs in life and that each of us has the ability to handle what life throws at us.  It's not about pushing aside the uncomfortable or bad things, but handling our lives in a manner that we can feel like we have control.  We no longer allow alcohol and its pull to steer our lives," Sheila said, trying to sum up the conversation.

"I guess it really isn't all that cynical when you put it that way, Sheila.  Alcohol used to be the driver of our lives and now we are in the driver's seat." Lila said, reinterpreting her earlier statement.

"Right, Lila.  Serenity is about feeling in control.  That's all the time we have for today.  If you would like to talk a little more about this idea, I will be at the coffee table for about 15 minutes.  Otherwise, I'll see you next week.  Have a great week,"  Sheila said as she stood up and started walking toward the coffee table.  

Brian sat there for a few moments, thinking about the meeting and as usual wondering how he always managed to feel that the topic discussed was exactly what he needed at that time.  He wished he had his journal with him as he wanted to remember his thoughts about the meeting.  He took out his phone and made a couple of notes and knew he would spend some time tonight after Gus went to bed to write in his journal.  It's been a few days and he was surprised that he actually missed it.  He didn't have time to contemplate his thoughts as he needed to get back to the office.  He stopped by the coffee table and tapped Sheila on the shoulder.

"Thank you for the group today.  It was very enlightening," Brian shook her hand and walked out of the building toward his car, driving back to Kinnetic.

Brian finished up a few small projects when he returned and packed his briefcase with two files that he hoped to review before the weekend was over.  When he arrived at Gus' school he got into the carpool line and texted Justin.

"Hi.  Missed you these last few days.  Are you still joining us tomorrow?  Don't know what we're doing."  

Justin's phone dinged with the notification that he had a text.  He was adding the last touches to his last painting for the show, so he did not respond, but made a mental note to look at his phone when he was finished.  After he finished the piece, he received a phone call from his agent about a problem with the shipping and he had to attend to it immediately, thus forgetting about looking at his text messages on his phone.  

Brian had expected a quick reply and when he didn't receive one, he was concerned that Justin was blowing him off.  In the past, he had been the one who would have sex with a guy and then not be interested in connecting again and he didn't like the feeling.  It had been over a week since they made out after their date, but then Justin had refused to do anything sexual except for a quick kiss since their date.  He started to question if he had moved too fast or was Justin not interested in him.  He had seemed to enjoy their date and he was the one who suggested making out while Gus was in the shower, but ever since then, he had turned down any other advances.  Brian wasn't used to being turned down for sex.  Maybe, in the 9-month interim, since he'd had sex, he'd lost his touch.  He didn't think that was the case, so maybe Justin had decided that their date didn't work out and that he wasn't interested. But then Brian remembered Justin had asked him out the following week.  Still, Justin usually responded to his text pretty quickly and he was uneasy.  Maybe he didn't have work things to do and was really using it as an excuse to ghost me.

Brian made it to the front of the line and Gus got into the car, throwing his backpack in the backseat.  

"Hey, Dad.  I'm so glad it's Friday.  Are we headed to the store to buy food for the weekend?  Before we go, could we stop at Target so I could pick up some poster board and markers?  I have to make a poster for a presentation next week.  It's due on Tuesday but I have soccer practice Monday night and ..."

Brian stopped Gus mid-sentence.  "Gus, you don't have to explain the need for every purchase.  I told you I will buy what you need and I assume, you need stuff from Target,"  Brian said, a little snip in his tone.

Gus nodded, but Brian was driving and couldn't see his head.  He said, starting the conversation over again.  "I need to go to Target, can we go now before we hit the grocery store?" 

Brian smiled, wishing that every difficult conversation he had was so easily remedied. "Sure.  Is there anywhere else you need to go?"

Gus thought for a moment and responded.  "Actually, Dad.  I think I need new soccer cleats and could we pick up some art supplies?  I'd like to start practicing before my summer art program starts.  It's only a few weeks away."

"Sure,"  Brian said as he changed directions, heading toward Target.  "We'll hit Target first and then head over to Dick's Sporting Goods for the cleats, the stores are pretty close together.  The art store is in the other direction and I don't know what time it closes but why don't you look that up on your phone while I'm driving."  Thinking of the art store made Brian think about Justin and wondered why he had not heard from him.  He knew Gus would be more than disappointed if  Justin decided that he didn't want to hang out with them anymore.  Maybe Lindsay was right when she had discouraged Brian from bringing Justin into Gus' life.  

They parked the car at Target and Brian cringed slightly.  He enjoyed shopping for clothes and furniture, but shopping for everyday items that a person would find at Target was not enjoyable.  He ordered things like shampoo and toiletries from high-end lines and since he had a cleaning service, he didn't need to worry about purchasing any supplies in that area.  He sent out his clothes for dry-cleaning and his housekeeping service took care of his sheets and towels.  He did know how to use his washer and dryer but rarely did so.  There was nothing that he could envision ever needing at Target and the idea that he was voluntarily walking into the store to "shop" made him cringe.

"Do you know where the poster board and markers are, Gus?"  Brian said, looking around, trying to determine where to go.  He could feel his skin crawl due to the number of people in the store.  

"Yeah.  It's in that section over there."  Gus pointed down a central aisle that had greeting cards on one side and cleaning products on the other.  

Brian waved his hand, giving Gus permission to head in that direction as Brian followed.  He was relieved to find that the store did not smell like the Big Q and the merchandise was orderly.  The displays were eye-catching as were the advertisements for the different products. He was thankful that Gus had not suggested the Big Q for his purchases as he would not have voluntarily gone into that store.  

Gus turned left into an aisle that had half the display space filled with pens, pencils, and markers. Gus looked at the display space, looking for the markers he wanted.

After a few moments, Brian asked, "What are you looking for?" hoping to get the items quickly.

"I need a big piece of blue cardboard and a piece of white cardboard.  I also need some fine tip and some big tip markers.  I might need some scissors, glue, and..." Gus said, as he scrunched his face trying to remember all the items he had thought he needed.

"Stop.  Gus, why don't we start with what you are trying to make and then work from there,"  Brian said, hoping to move the process along.

"But I thought you didn't want the whole story, just that I needed to go to Target?"  Gus said, a little confused.

Brian nodded and said, "I was wrong.  I guess that knowing what the assignment is will make a difference.  So why don't you tell me what you are trying to make so we can buy the correct supplies?  Target may not be the place to get what you need."

Gus smiled, realizing that his Dad wasn't mad and really wanted to help.  He had been a little taken aback at his rough response earlier but was happy that he had backtracked on his statement.  "We're studying the Louisiana Purchase and the Lewis and Clark expedition.  Our assignment is to show its importance.  I thought I would draw a map of the Lewis and Clark expedition.  You know, use blue for the Mississippi and then maybe brown for the mountains.  I don't know.  Maybe that was a dumb idea."  

"Weren't you just studying about Fort Pitt?  The Louisiana Purchase was in the early 1800s.  That is a big jump in time."  Brian said, sharing his knowledge of history.

Gus was impressed.  "That's cool Dad.  I mean... I know you said you like history but.."

"Gus, history is important to understand how things came to be the way they are.  Those who do not understand history are bound to repeat the mistakes of others.  Anyway, back to your assignment.  Your teacher was pretty vague.  You are supposed to do something with the Louisiana Purchase?"  he asked.

"Yeah. We get to choose and she gave us a lot of choices.  She said we could write a newspaper article talking about the findings of the exhibition or make a journal pretending we were one of the people on the expedition.  We can make a map of the expedition. We can make miniature boat like the ones they used to go down the Mississippi.  It's pretty open.  We just have to research what we are presenting.  We can write it, draw it or even act it out.  Since I like art, I thought I'd make a map of the expedition, but I wanted to make it raised.  You know, like 3-D or something." 

"Got it.  So you want to make a raised map.  How big do you want it to be?  I mean are you going to put it all on one board or use several?  And if you make it raised, how are you going to do that?  Do you want to make it out of clay or paper?  How much time do you want to spend on the project?  Did your teacher say how things are going to be graded?  That might make a difference in how you do things."

Gus looked at his father and shrugged.  "I hadn't thought about any of those things.  Well, I did like the idea of making a map.  Since we have the weekend and one more day to do the project, I don't think she expects it to be something really big, so maybe a 3-D map might be overkill.  It just sounded like fun to make a map of their journey."

"Gus, a good grade isn't the only thing that you should consider.  If you want to put a lot of time into the project, there is nothing that says you can't.  I find that doing something I enjoy, no matter how much time is involved, is almost always worth it.  Think of your bed.  While I had not done a lot of construction, I knew you wanted the bed and I figured I could put it together.  Now, every time you stay over and I go into your room and look at your bed, I feel really proud that Justin and I put it together."  Brian didn't add that every time he saw the bed, he thought of that fateful kiss that Justin had bestowed on him that was life-changing.  

Gus looked at his father with surprise.  "You mean you had never put furniture together before you put my bed together?  That is so cool.  I mean, I know it probably took a lot of work and I really do appreciate it.  The bed is awesome and I really like that Justin painted the mural too.  Speaking of Justin, is he going to come over tomorrow?  Maybe instead of going somewhere, he could help me with my project."  

Brian's eyes got wide, like a deer in headlights.  He hadn't talked to Justin since earlier in the week and he hadn't felt his phone vibrate telling him he had a text message.  He pulled out his phone, looking at his messages to verify that Justin had not returned his earlier text.  The text box was still empty and he noticed that it had been several hours since he texted Justin.  His mind returned to his earlier thoughts and doubts regarding Justin and whether he was ghosting him.  He didn't want to say anything to Gus, knowing that Gus would be sad, hurt, and filled with questions if Justin wasn't around anymore.  Brian thought fast.

"I don't know.  He's got his show next week so he may be busy,"  Brian said truthfully.  He always believed in the motto that you should tell at least some of the truth as it would come across better than out and out lying.

"Just text him, Dad.  I know you have his number,"  Gus said, surprised that his Dad didn't do that right after he asked.  He wondered if they had a fight or if something happened.  He hoped not since he really liked Justin.  

Brian scrolled down his phone until he found Justin's number and hesitated, not sure what to say. He looked at the phone for a few moments.  He felt like a middle schooler who was afraid to pick up the phone and call their latest crush.  Not that he had ever had any notions about having a crush nor did he feel the need to keep tabs on anyone in middle or high school.  In college, it was Lindsay who frequently called him to find out what he was up to rather than the other way around.  Justin had already ignored one text message and he was torn about whether he should reach out again.  

Gus couldn't figure out what his father's problem was so took the phone and said, "You're acting like the guys in my class when they like a girl but aren't sure what to say.  Jeez Dad.  I would think you were too old to be shy. Give me the phone and I'll text him."  Gus held out his hand and Brian placed the phone in his hand.  Hi Justin.  This is Gus, using Dad's phone.  I was wondering if you were going to come over this weekend.  I've got this cool project for Social Studies and was wondering if you would help me?  Gus read the text out loud and then hit send, giving the phone back to Brian. 

"He might be busy and not answer,"  Brian said, trying to rationalize his fears and at the same time not worry Gus if Justin didn't answer right away.

"He's got a life, Dad.  I'm sure he'll answer before I go to bed and if not, well he usually shows up around 10:00.  Since we'll be working on my project, it won't be a big deal if he doesn't answer tonight,"  Gus said with the certainty that only a 10-years old has.

"Okay, back to this project.  We still have to narrow down what you're going to do and the supplies you need.  Keep in mind, how you're going to get it from my house to your house and then to school.  It's got to be pretty steady to withstand all that travel," Brian said, reminding him of their original purpose in stopping at Target.

"I've been thinking about that.  I think I can make the outline of the trail on posterboard or maybe on cardboard and then build things to place on the cardboard when I get to school.  I'd put the buildings and trees and stuff in a big shoe box.  I know, I can build a campsite and show what it would have looked like when they were on the trail.  I could have the trail on a piece of cardboard and then set up the site as it would have looked when they started out in St. Louis."  Gus thought for a few more seconds and said, "or, I could draw the map of the journey, and show different animals that they found and where they found them.  Or, I could just show the trail with some important stops along the way."

Brian loved Gus' enthusiasm and loved watching him come up with ideas.  "Sonny Boy, you have to choose only one.  Which one is the one you find most exciting?"  

Gus took a big breath and said, "Honestly Dad, I still like the idea of drawing a big map of the trip.  I know there are lots of maps of the journey, but drawing a map and showing all the rivers they floated and the land that they hiked, would be so cool."

"Okay.  So you want to show the journey.  How do you want to do that?"

"I like my original idea best.  Put the journey on cardboard and have a scale model of the boats and supplies.  Maybe some animals along the side of the river and a few more in the fields."

"Alright.  We need poster board and do you want to make your animals or buy them already made?"

"Already made.  If I put the animals in a bag and label them with a number and put the number on the main poster board, I can easily set it up when I get to school.  This will be so cool.  Do you have a big piece of cardboard I could use as the base? I could put the poster on top of it and that would make it more stable."

"I'm sure we have some cardboard at Kinnetic.  We're always opening boxes of something or another.  Let's buy the supplies that we can here.  We still have to hit Dick's and the art store before they close. If we don't get moving, we won't even have time to hit the grocery tonight.  I know Emmett will not be happy if there is nothing for the two of you to cook tomorrow."  Brian said.

Gus and Brian picked out the remaining supplies they needed at Target and checked out.  They drove to Dick's Sporting Goods store.

"The art store is open until 8:00 so we should have plenty of time to get there, but Dick's is a few blocks from Target.  I know you're anxious to get your supplies, but I don't want to drive all over creation,'  Brian explained as he pulled into the parking lot.

They were there for about 45 minutes as it appeared that Gus was not the only kid who needed new cleats.  Brian thought back to when he was a kid and had to buy cleats for soccer.  He remembered asking his mom to take him to the store but she couldn't be bothered.  He had to ask Debbie if he could do chores around her house to earn the money for new cleats and then if she would take him to the store.  He was glad that Gus did not have to be put in that situation. Lindsay had a bad habit of telling Brian that Gus needed something and he would gladly give her the money to purchase the item, but then would find out that she had kept the money and Brian had to buy it himself.  He was glad that he no longer relied on Lindsay to purchase the things Gus needed.  

It was close to 6 when they left Dick's and Brian asked Gus. "Hey, do you want to stop and get food or head to the art store?"

"Let's go to the art store.  I want to get started on the project in the morning and I don't want to run out of time.  I have a candy bar in my backpack that I can eat in the car."

Brian cringed.  "Tell you what.  Grab your candy bar and you can eat it in the parking lot.  I don't want chocolate all over my car seats."

Gus laughed.  "No problem, dad.  Wait till I tell Tommy that you made me eat my candy bar in the parking lot.  He'll get a kick out of it."

Brian shook his head but watched as Gus grabbed the Snickers bar and peeled back the brown wrapper.  Gus took a bite of the bar and hummed with satisfaction.  Brian waited while Gus finished the bar and then made him go back inside and wash his hands.  Eventually, they were on their way again.

They arrived at the art store and went in.  A young man about 20 asked if they needed help in finding anything.

Gus described what he was trying to do and the young man took them to the aisle where all the colored glue and construction paper was located.  Brian and Gus discussed the pros and cons of various materials before settling on their purchases.  Gus brought the items to the cashier and they checked out.  

As they were walking to the car, Gus said, "Dad, did you ever hear from Justin about tomorrow?  I hope he is planning on coming.  I know he'll know how to help me, not that you can't Dad, but well...."

Brian said, " I get it, Gus. He's the artist, not me."  Brian pulled out his phone and scrolled down the home screen and even opened the text box, but did not see anything from Justin. 

"No, nothing yet.  He's probably really busy getting ready for his show.  He might not show up tomorrow and you'll be stuck with my help,"  Brian said, a little joking and a little sad that he had not heard from Justin.   "It's way past dinner time, you want to hit the diner before we head home?"

"Sure,'  Gus said at the mention of the diner.  "Can I have a milkshake?"

"I think that can be arranged,"  Brian said as he opened the car door and drove toward Liberty Avenue.  He was beginning to worry about the lack of communication from Justin.  

They ate dinner and then returned to the loft.  After dinner, they talked about Gus' project and discussed several ways that he could complete it.  

"I hope Justin comes over tomorrow so he can help me,"  Gus said as he tried to stifle a yawn.

"I don't know if Justin is coming, but we will figure it out. Right now, I think you need to get ready for bed."

Gus nodded and headed toward his bedroom.  Shortly afterward, Brian went to say good night and returned to the living room.

He took out his special pen and journal and sat at his desk. 

I don't know what is happening.  Justin seemed to really enjoy hanging out with me and I thought our two dates went really well.  He said he liked the Incline and then asked me out on Tuesday, saying he missed me on Monday night.  That is the night I see Cleo and go to his meeting instead of the meeting that Justin and I used to attend.  

But I've texted him twice today and I've got nothing.  What am I supposed to say to Gus when he asks where Justin is?  How am I supposed to keep it together?  Is this what Cleo was talking about?  Handling disappointment without turning to alcohol.  Maybe all the people who said you shouldn't date were right?  But does that mean that if I waited for 6 months, this still would not have happened?  Ted said that I've changed and that any man would want to be with me.  Before I got sober, the only thing I had to offer was my cock and I have a great cock and know how to use it.

Justin keeps saying that there is more to dating than sex, but what do I know about dating?  I know I used to be the Stud of Liberty Avenue and every man wanted to have sex with me.  Every man but Justin.  He's turned me down.  Maybe he was disappointed in our little adventure.  

If things don't work out with Justin, do I even want to try dating someone else?  I don't think so.  I mean I like Justin and we've been hanging out together for 9 months.  I just don't have it in me right now to start all over again.  

Damn, if Gus wasn't here I'd get in my car and just drive over to his place.  Woah -  did I just say that?  I've never chased after anyone in the past, but I never had a reason to or a desire to.  But now, I don't even know what I want.  I mean I like Justin and I guess I thought things were going good for us, but now that he's not responding to me, I don't know what I feel.  

I'm tired, worn out, and scared.  Wow, I labeled some heavy emotions there.  Cleo would be proud.  But I don't like feeling those things.  I'm exhausted trying to keep up the happy dad in front of Gus.  I hope that I can keep doing that tomorrow.  Maybe I won't have to if Justin shows up, but I really don't think he will.  Brian Kinney the pessimist.

Brian put down his pen and reread his entry.  He didn't want to write anymore tonight as he was finished being contemplative.  He put the journal away and got ready for bed.  Unfortunately, his brain had difficulty stopping his negative thoughts and he tossed and turned all night long.  

TBC

Justin

Justin had been busy finishing the final painting for his show and didn't want to stop to respond to a text message.  His agent, Carol had requested a last-minute addition as the venue was bigger than anticipated.  He thought that anyone who was texting him in the middle of the afternoon was just taking a quick break from their day and he had plenty of time to respond to it.  After the finishing touches on the painting were placed, he stood back and looked at the painting.  It was an interesting piece, not his best work, but definitely not his worst either.  

He usually had several pieces started at any given time just in case he needed something in a hurry.  Of course, the idea that an artist could produce work at will grated on him, feeling the creative process couldn't and shouldn't be pushed.  However, he accepted that sometimes he had to take his agent's advice and have additional pieces to add to a gallery show.  He didn't want to have a show where he was underrepresented as a result of too few pieces on his part.  Therefore, he always tried to have a few paintings he held back from the original agreement he had signed with a gallery in order to offer any last-minute additions to a show.   

He had cleaned up his brushes and put them out so they could dry properly.  He'd learned early on that if you did not take proper care of your equipment, it wouldn't be there when you had the moment of inspiration. He picked up his phone to call his agent and provide an update on the two paintings, but before he could call his phone rang with an urgent call from his agent.  She informed him that the pieces he had shipped from his warehouse had not arrived at the gallery and when she had tried calling to follow up on the shipment, the company insisted that they needed to talk to Justin since he was the person on the original order.  

As Justin wrote down the number his agent provided, he was mentally calculating how many pieces were involved in the mishap and tried to come up with a game plan if the pieces were lost and could not be found.  It didn't do him any good to have a few pieces that he could add to the show if the main exhibit was lost.  It wasn't like he had copies of his work as if he created a limited number of prints.  He started hyperventilating when he thought of the hundreds of hours of work that he'd put into the exhibit and the thought that all his work could be gone.  If he had to drive around the city and hunt down the shipment, he would do it.  He wouldn't be able to sleep without knowing that his work was safe.

He made several calls, being passed to multiple people before he finally talked to someone who could assist him.  After explaining what the situation was for the 4th time, he was told that the pieces had been located but they were in California instead of Pittsburgh. It appeared that the clerk who set up the shipment had not been paying attention and sent his paintings to California while the ones that were meant for shipping to California were sent to the gallery in Pittsburgh.  He finally had confirmation that the company would route the paintings to the Gallery and they would expedite the shipment.  The paintings should arrive in three days.  

After the paintings were finally located and a new shipping date was established, Justin took a deep breath and a huge sigh of relief.  He called his agent and they agreed to meet for a late dinner.  

The text messages from earlier in the day were forgotten in the frantic search for his paintings.  When he arrived at the restaurant, he found Carol, his agent waiting for him at a table in the back.

As he walked toward the table, she stood up to give him a hug and then sat down.  "All settled?"  She asked, even though she knew that the crisis had been averted.  

"Yes.  I'm glad I always made a habit of shipping the pieces at least two weeks before a show.  I don't know what I would have done if the company could not locate them,"  Justin said as he picked up the menu.  "Thanks for the dinner invite.  I'm a little keyed up to go home right now."

"I can imagine. You said you finished the other two paintings I requested. That was fast," Carol said as she looked at the menu.

"I always try to have a few pieces started just for this type of thing.  I don't really like to paint on demand, but sometimes it is necessary,"  Justin said, grabbing his glass of water to take a drink.

"Well, I'm glad that you do that.  Hopefully, the show will result in some commissions that will keep you busy for a bit.  It's a balance between showing your work and fulfilling personal requests from your patrons."

"Do you really think I'll get asked for some commissions after the show?"  Justin asked, a little surprised by Carol's statement.

"I don't see why not.  It seems that your reputation is growing and there are more patrons at each of your shows.  At the last show, you had 5 requests, and after your pieces were shown at the emerging artist's exhibit, you had 2 requests. With each show, you are getting more popular and with popularity comes private requests. There is no reason to think this show will be any different.  Besides, I have seen your latest work and it is very upbeat and powerful.  I'm sure the public will agree that these pieces are some of your best work."  

Justin beamed at her praise.  He saw the waiter come toward their table and heard his stomach rumble.  

"May I offer you some wine or cocktails before dinner?"  The waiter said, looking at Justin.

"No.  thank you.  I'm ready to order,"  He said, wondering if he would ever get used to being asked to drink and turning down the opportunity.   He thought about Brian taking his clients out just like Carol was taking him.  Carol knew about his alcohol problems and would never order a drink in front of him, but he wondered how Brian handled the situation.  He made a note to ask him if the subject ever came up.

Justin order the prime rib with a baked potato and caesar salad and Carol ordered a sirloin steak with a baked potato.  

"The company said they would expedite the shipping and the pieces should get here by Tuesday.  That is cutting it close since the show is next weekend.  I guess if they don't show up we'll have to postpone as I don't think I can paint more than a few pieces even if I painted every waking hour between now and Thursday,"  Justin said as he grabbed a roll from the bread basket.

"I agree.  Let's hope they keep to their timeline.  I can't see pushing you to paint enough pieces to have a show by next weekend either,"  Carol said as she took a roll from the bread basket also.

They chatted about art and Carol shared some horror stories about past exhibitions.  Justin talked a little about his inspiration for some of his recent pieces.

"So, you have a boyfriend?  Good for you.  I remember the last one you had.  I hope you've learned your lesson this time,"  Carol said, good-naturedly.

Justin cringed as he thought about his last relationship.  "He seemed so perfect; attentive to my every need and always available.  How was I to know that he wasn't what he seemed?  He promised me the world but what he really wanted was my world.  He would tell me that he forgot his wallet or was waiting to get paid the following day and I paid for everything.  He was more interested in living off me than having a relationship.  I remember seeing him at one of my shows and he was just grabbing onto any drink or hors d'oeuvres that he saw.  I thought he just liked the food.  I was so naive."  Justin shook his head as he thought about Bruno and their short-lived relationship or more like short-lived dependency.  He took another bite of his roll, finishing the hot, fresh food.   "I guess I was just desperate for someone to like me that I fell for everything that he did."

Carol nodded.  She was enjoying this time with Justin as she rarely had the opportunity to talk about things that were not work-related.  She knew it was important to get to know her artists as persons as well as clients.  She was able to support them better.

"Thankfully, you wised up pretty quickly.  What tipped you off, if you don't mind me asking?"  

"I actually have to thank my sister for that one.  We were at an opening for an artist.  I don't remember who but I was really interested in seeing his work as I had heard a lot of buzz about it.  Anyway, we were talking in front of a piece, a sculpture I think, and Bruno comes up to me.  He then proceeded to ask me for money to buy a piece of the artist's work as it would be a good investment.  He didn't even bother to say hi to Molly or to ask how I was.  He just wanted money and almost caused a scene in the gallery when I told him no.  We broke up after that.  I told him I didn't want to see him and he just never showed up."

"Good riddance.  I'm glad that you got rid of him.  But what about the guy right before him?  You seemed to be good together."  Carol asked, enjoying their conversation and happy that Justin was willing to share.

"That was another short-lived relationship.  He was an artist too, but he was always putting down my work and letting me know that his work was more important than mine.  He even told me that I was wasting my time with my art and that he would be the successful one. I'd had a few successes at that point and luckily I ditched him too.  Otherwise, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"Sounds like you've had some pretty lousy relationships.  One guy thought you should support him and the other guy told you that you couldn't make a living with your art.  Quite a dichotomy."  Carol said.   It was Friday night and the restaurant was getting noisy as the patrons were filling the tables.  She was always amazed at how you could still have an intimate conversation with so many people surrounding you.  

"Those aren't the only ones, unfortunately,"  Justin admitted.  He had never had a conversation about his past relationships and was enjoying talking with Carol about them.  "There was a guy that I went out with once who talked about himself the entire time and then there was the guy who kept answering text messages the entire time we were out.  I could see that if he were some big CEO, but he wasn't.  He tried to come across as some big hotshot."  

The waiter came back with a basket of fresh rolls and explained that their meals would be ready soon.  Justin thanked him for the rolls and took one, realizing that he hadn't eaten lunch today and was actually very hungry.

"I've dated so many guys but nothing has worked out,"  Justin said as he thought about getting together tomorrow with Brian and Gus.  "This time, though, it's different.  We've been officially dating for three months and I miss seeing him and talking to him when we have work stuff to take care of.  I haven't seen him since earlier in the week, but I'm going to see him tomorrow and I can't wait,"  Justin said, the animation and excitement in his voice evident even in the noisy restaurant.  

"He's going to bring his son Gus to the show. He won't be coming opening night, but we'll go a few days later when I'm not talking to patrons. Brian says that he doesn't want Gus monopolizing my time when I'm supposed to be working,"  Justin explained.  The waiter brought their food to the table and Justin inhaled the aroma of the food which resulted in his mouth watering in anticipation.  

"Sounds like you've got a good guy this time; one that respects your work and has introduced you to his son.  That is pretty big in the dating world,"  Carol said as she picked up her fork and knife to cut into her steak.  After taking a bite of the meat she said, "This is delicious.  I've been meaning to try the food here, but have never done so.  I'm glad that we did.  Not that I ever wish that your work gets rerouted to another city, but it was a great excuse to sit down and enjoy each other's company,"  

Justin took a few bites of his prime rib and savored the perfectly cooked meat.  "I agree, but next time let's forego the whole losing my art part,"  

They continued their meal and Carol paid for their dinner when the waiter brought the bill.  "It's the least I could do.  Got to keep my artists happy, " she teased.  "However, while we aren't dating, you could make an argument that I am making a living off your art."

Justin shook his head and said, "Without you, I wouldn't have any art to be making a living off of.  You've been my biggest supporter and I can't tell you how much I appreciate your faith and encouragement in my work."  Justin stood up and walked over to Carol to give her a hug.  She stood up and hugged him back as she stifled a yawn.  

"I've enjoyed our evening, Justin.  Thank you for sharing."  They walked out of the restaurant and to their respective vehicles in the parking lot.  

Justin drove home and walked into his apartment, placing his keys on the hook by the door.  He was happy with his life and had high hopes for his relationship with Brian.  Talking about previous relationships with Carol had pointed out his poor choices in the past.  He hoped he had learned a lot from each of them, even though it had been painful to experience each failed relationship.  He wondered what Brian and Gus had planned for tomorrow. He got ready for bed, realizing the adrenaline rush and evening dinner had left him very tired.

In the morning he dressed and drove over to Brian's never looking at his phone to see the missed messages from him.  When he buzzed the apartment, he was looking forward to seeing Gus and Brian and spending the day with them.  Gus opened the door and immediately started talking.

"Justin, I'm so glad you are here.  Dad and I bought a bunch of art supplies to build a model last night and I was hoping you would help.  Dad wasn't sure if you'd be here today but I'm so glad you are."

Gus' enthusiasm was exciting and Justin was thrilled that the boy wanted and valued his presence. Gus grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the dining room table where all the supplies were laid out.  

Brian stood off to the side, not saying anything.  He didn't know what he was feeling and was torn between anger, happiness, and uncertainty.  

"Tell me what you are trying to do,"  Justin asked as he looked at the array of art supplies laid out on the table.  

"I want to make a map of the Lewis and Clark trip.  You know, show some of the mountains, trees, and animals they would have seen when they traveled.  I got some plastic animals to put on the map and thought I would put circles with numbers on them so I could set it up when I got to school.  That way I wouldn't have to glue them on and worry about them coming off,"  Gus explained as he picked up the package of the small animals that they had purchased so Justin could see them.  

"Is this the base that you are using?"  Justin asked as he pointed to the large piece of cardboard that Gus had laid out on the table.

"Yes.  Dad and I thought we would put the shiny colored glue on the parts that were rivers and then show the trees and animals on the side.  I even bought these fake trees.  Dad says they are often used in railroad displays and when they make a sample of a new building.  I didn't even know they made sample buildings. I bet that would be really fun to do.  Have you ever made a sample building?  Maybe we could do that sometime."  Gus was so excited about his project and Justin thought about the possibilities.  

"Gus you have a lot of really good ideas.  How long do you have to put together the project?"  Justin asked as he calculated how long it would take to complete the project as Gus explained.

"Just the weekend.  Our teacher gave us lots of choices.  We could write a newspaper article interviewing one of the people on the trip or we could pretend to be one of the people and talk about some of the things we found or we could do some art project.  It was up to us.  Since I really like art, I thought I would make a model of the trip.  Can you help me?"

"Sure I can help but you might want to think about making the project a little smaller.  If I remember my history correctly, the Expedition was a very big one.  You said you wanted to show the river and some of the animals found on the banks.  Since your teacher left the scope of the project up to you, maybe you should do a river scene.  I always found that a smaller more detailed scene is easier than a large project with lots of details.  The audience gets lost trying to see everything."

Justin looked at Brian for the first time, noticing that he was standing back and watching them rather than participating in the conversation.  "What do you think, Brian?  Do you agree that Gus should just pick out a scene on the river or keep his original idea of the whole Expedition?"  

Hearing his name brought him out of the fog he was in and he blinked and said, "huh"  

Gus rolled his eyes as he looked at his father with a mix of impatience and curiosity.  He was surprised at his father's response as his father was usually very attentive but he was also wondering what was going on with his father and why he was not paying attention to the conversation.

"Dad, Justin suggested that maybe I only do a water scene because it would be easier to focus on the final project.  What do you think?"  Gus asked, trying to bring his father into the conversation.

"Justin knows about art, but I wonder if his fingers are working these days," Brian said, allowing his feelings to come through.

Justin and Gus both looked at Brian as if he were talking gibberish. "What is that supposed to mean?  He's an artist so, of course, his fingers work, Dad.  You're making no sense."

"Gus, didn't you take my phone last night and text Justin?"

"Yes,"  Gus said, looking between his father and Justin.

Justin pulled out his phone and quickly scrolled to his text messages.  "Oh shit!"  he said as he saw that he had two missed text messages.  When he opened the text box he saw that they were both from Brian; one was the one he told himself he would get back to and the other one must have come in while he was at dinner or still dealing with the lost shipment. 

Gus looked at Justin, surprised by his words as he had never heard Justin use bad language.  His mother always got mad when he used words like that. "What?  Is something wrong?  Momma and Mom only say those words when there is something wrong.  Not responding to my text is no big deal,"  Gus said as he was trying to figure out what was going on.  

Justin said, "I think your Dad was worried because I didn't answer his text, and then when I didn't answer your text... well, let's just say it wasn't a good thing."  Justin did not want to put words into Brian's mouth or try and explain Brian's feelings, but he could read body language and Brian was not a happy camper.  "Hey, Gus.  Do you think it would be okay if I talked to your Dad for a few minutes in his room?  I promise to help you make the best project."  Justin looked at Brian, tilting his head toward his bedroom and silently asking him to join him.  "Brian?"  he said the name softly and Brian walked toward the bedroom.

Justin followed him and closed the door when they were both inside.  Brian stood by the window while Justin stayed just inside the door.

"I screwed up.  I take it from your behavior this morning, this is more than a missed text message,"  Justin said, not wanting to fill in the blanks himself.

"Let's just say that I haven't seen you nor really talked to you since Tuesday and I let my imagination run away from me.  It's a good thing that Gus was here last night or...." Brian did not finish the sentence, allowing Justin to fill in the remainder.

"I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to forget your text, but there was a shit storm yesterday."

"It doesn't take long to respond to a text.  Really, that is the beauty of texting. No small talk and you can answer when it's convenient.  Yet, you couldn't find 10 seconds to respond to my text,"  Brian said, holding on to his anger at Justin.  

Justin knew he was wrong but still felt compelled to explain why he did not respond. "I had to finish two more paintings that my agent decided I needed for the show.  I know I told you that earlier in the week."

Brian nodded his head in acknowledgment.  

"I was cleaning my brushes and putting them out to dry when I got a call that the shipment of my work had gone to California rather than the gallery. I had to track them down since the shipping company wouldn't talk to Carol, my agent.  After I located them, she asked me to join her for dinner.  I forgot to look at my phone."  Justin wanted to give Brian a hug and kiss him, but he waited while Brian listened.  It was the hardest few minutes of his life in recent history.

"Say something,"  Justin said, wanting to fill the silence with words, questions, and assurances but choosing to let Brian process his explanation.

"Justin, I'm still very new to this dating thing.  What was I supposed to think?  We enjoyed some blow jobs and since then, from where I sit, you've kind of blown me off.  I got to tell you, I'm wondering if you didn't like it or have changed your mind about us dating,"  Brian said, allowing Justin to know his thoughts.

Justin had tried to keep to his side of the room, but Brian's words cut him like a knife and he couldn't stay away any longer.  He walked to the other side of the room and gave Brian a gentle kiss on the lips.  "Brian, you are.... How do I want to say this?  I thoroughly enjoyed our blow jobs last weekend and I definitely want to continue seeing where our relationship will lead us.  I will try to remember to look at my texts and respond but.... We talked about this.  I get caught up in my art and forget about everything going on around me."  Justin waved his hand in a sweeping arc.

Brian listened to Justin, taking in his explanation and finally letting the tension in his body start to dissipate.  He had hoped that Justin would show up today and that there was a logical explanation for his lack of response, but he wasn't sure and he did not have enough confidence in dating to recognize when someone was blowing him off versus an honest mistake. He took a deep breath and looked at Justin.  

"You haven't done anything wrong and I'm still here until you kick me out.  Maybe, after Gus goes to bed tonight, we can do it again.  Sure, it's not a date, but I'm interested if you are,"   Brian said, suggesting a make-out session.  He still had difficulties separating the physical side from the friendship side of their relationship.  Since he had never had any dating experience and all of his experience with men had been sexual, he struggled with the intimacy between them.  He had no qualms about enjoying a blow job or kissing, but he was beginning to realize that there was a lot more about sexual activity than getting off.  

As Brian stood next to Justin, inhaling his unique scent and feeling his nearness, even though they were not touching, a calming balm came over him.  He felt relaxed for the first time since they had last seen each other.  He leaned over and gave Justin a kiss on the lips, licking them to ask for entrance.  Justin opened his mouth, allowing Brian in and they enjoyed kissing for a few moments.  

Gus called out,  "Hey guys.  I still need your help with my project.  Are you about done?"

Both Justin and Brian laughed at Gus' interruption.  "We'll be right there, Sonny boy,"  Brian yelled out.  

Justin turned to Brian, he asked, "we good?"  

Brian nodded and said, "yep, we're good, but we better get out there or my kid may come hunting us down."

They rejoined Gus and worked on the project for the remainder of the day until it was time for Emmett to arrive.  They cleaned up the remnants of the project in order to use the dining room table for dinner, and Emmett arrived a few minutes later.  

After hugs and hellos, Brian and Justin left for their meeting.

The meeting was good and both men participated in the discussion.   As always, the topic was almost hand-picked for their current situation. 

"Today, we're going to talk about dating," said the leader.  "I'm Carl, by the way, and I've been sober for 5 years."  

A chorus of "Hi, Carl" came from the participants who were seated in a circle.  

"Many of us have been in relationships when we were drinking and our significant others were impacted by  our drinking."

Again, Carl saw a lot of nods.  

"Some of our significant others told us that they could not continue their relationship with us if we continued drinking while other people saw their relationships fall apart before their eyes.  Some of our partners supported us while others kicked us out."

Carl looked around the small group of men and women, watching them lean forward as he spoke, showing their interest in the topic.  "No matter what your experience, your relationships have been impacted by your drinking."

"My partner kicked me out and told me to not come back until I cleaned up my act,"  a middle-aged man dressed in a t-shirt and jeans told the group.  "When I had been sober for about 6 months, I went back home, but it was hard."

"I remember the screaming matches and yelling the most,"  another man said.  "It was hard on both of us.  I think I was drinking to avoid the battles."

"But I'm sure when you were sober, it was better," said a woman sitting next to him.  

"It had been so long since I was sober, we had forgotten how to interact without the yelling and screaming. it just was the way we were. When I  was sober, all the things that my partner didn't like came out. It was like it was open season to list all the things that were wrong."

Justin said, "That must have been hard.  You were sober but it still wasn't changing anything.  What did you do?"

"I left for a while and then we tried to date again," the man said.  "It was like starting over."

"And did it work out?  I mean did you get back together?" Justin asked, hoping that the answer was yes.  Brian was already antsy about dating and he didn't want to give him any further reason to question their relationship.  Justin glanced at Brian, trying to gauge his reaction to the discussion, but Brian did not have any facial expressions.  

"Yeah, eventually.  I mean we went to counseling for a long time and then we had to start dating again. We had to figure out if we still liked each other and wanted to be together."

Carl said, "That is a great transition to my talk tonight.  Relationships are hard and the ones we had when we were drinking, are going to change when we are sober. When we were drinking we were used to interacting with people in a set way but now that we are sober, we have to learn how to interact all over again.  It's like we have to go back to the beginning."

"I'm Sam,"  said a young woman in jeans and a green nondescript -T-shirt.   "I had a string of "boyfriends". She put up air quotes when she said, boyfriends. "I started drinking at age 14 and anyone who would buy me a bottle of booze, I was available to hang out with them.  As I got older and could get into bars, anyone who would buy me a drink was "my boyfriend".  I had a lot of boyfriends but no real experience with actual dating until I got sober."  She took a sip of her coffee, gaining courage as if it were something stronger, and continued.  "I had to learn how to date.  All I knew how to do was to have sex with guys so I could get all the liquor I wanted.  It took a while, but I no longer associate dating with drinking."

Brian listened to Sam, thinking about the similarities between them, and nodded as she shared her insights.  While he had no delusions about calling his sexual activities dating, he realized that his recent sexual encounters with Justin had brought a new level to their dating relationship. After they had enjoyed mutual blow jobs, he had the misconception that they had finished their dating ritual and could just go straight to the sex.  Justin had disabused him of that idea pretty quickly and he was still struggling with the definition of dating.  

"I'm Steve", said the man sitting next to Brian dressed in jeans and a pullover shirt.  "I agree.  I've been attending meetings for about 2 years and whenever this topic comes up I hear two stories.  People either have to learn to be with their current partner again or they have to learn what dating is, usually having missed out on the experience in high school as they were already drinking.  I've done both.  I got sober after 5 years of marriage and we just couldn't figure it out.  Too much hurt and anger and I think we had grown apart.  After I was clean for about a year, I started dating and realized I really barely knew myself much less what I wanted in a potential partner.  But I tried dating and finally found a great partner and we've been together for a year."

Brian listened to the conversation with a mixture of fear and hope.  Fearful that he and Justin were not going to be successful since he had no experience with relationships but was also hopeful as there were other participants who shared their success.  He hoped that since Justin and he had not been together when either of them was drinking, it would help their chances.  Also, since both of them were in recovery they understood what was at stake.  

Carl said, "I want to end our discussion tonight with some thoughts.  There really is no right or wrong way to handle a relationship.  Understand that drinking changes a person and when they stop drinking they are not going to be the same as when they were drinking.  Whether you meet your partner when you were still drinking or after you stopped, your drinking is always going to be a part of the relationship.  Just because you don't drink anymore doesn't mean it doesn't affect you."  Carl looked around the small circle of people and noticed the number of nodding heads.  He always liked to talk about relationships as people are social animals.  He'd seen many relationships through his years; some were very successful while others appeared to be doomed from the start.  

"Well, that's all for tonight.  Remember, we are all here for each other."  He stood up and walked to the coffee table to talk informally to the participants of tonight's meeting.

Justin looked at Brian, wondering what he was thinking about tonight's topic.  He appeared to be deep in thought and waited while Brian digested the information from the meeting. 

"I'm sorry for getting angry.  I'm not used to people not answering my texts.  I guess I need to work on that,"  Brian said, 

"And I'm not used to worrying about answering texts right away.  I am sorry as well.  I'm glad we are talking about this.  We don't want little annoyances to build up,"  Justin said.  He wanted to lean over and kiss Brian but they had decided a long time ago to keep their relationship private, at least during meetings.  While it was their decision to date or not to date, they didn't want to deal with the potential backlash if someone noticed.

"True.  I wouldn't mind other things building up, though,"  Brian said, licking his lips and looking Justin up and down.

Justin laughed.  "Well....I think that might could be arranged after a certain son of yours goes to bed.  It seems like I need to reassure someone that I'm still interested, but have been incredibly busy."  

"Let's go back to the loft and see what Emmett cooked up for dinner.  I know we spent the whole day together, but putting Gus' diorama together, and I know we both appreciate your help, hasn't given us any time alone.   I think after listening to the folks in the group, I'm beginning to see that I have some exploring to do."

"Sounds like a plan."

TBC

Emmett and Gus had made a delicious sweet and sour meatball dish with basmati rice and squash.  Brian would never admit it out loud but one advantage to having a caterer teach his son to cook was the meals were never boring and they were not the typical fare found in a diner. 

Brian had invited Emmett to join them at dinner instead of rushing off.  He said it would be nice to have him enjoy the work he and Gus did.  Emmett had agreed to stay for a little while since he really didn't need to get to Babylon until after 11:00.  

The small group gathered around the peninsula in the kitchen. Everyone had their plate in hand as they stopped to place food from each of the dishes on their plates.  The aroma of the spicy meatballs floated through the air and Brian could hear Justin's stomach rumbling letting everyone know it was ready to be fed.  As they plated their food, Gus said, "I'm so glad you are joining us for dinner, Aunty Emm.  I think it's time I made another dinner for everybody.  What do you think Dad?  My cooking skills are really good now."

Brian's first thought was no and started to open his mouth to tell his son that he would not be interested in another dinner party, but a quick look at Gus' face and the eager expression on it, made Brian take a second thought at his answer. He saw everyone looking at him, waiting for his response.  

"And would you want Emmett to help or would you be doing this dinner party on your own?"  Brian asked as he placed 2 meatballs on his plate.  He secretly hoped that Gus would want Emmett to spearhead the dinner as he did last time.  Brian may have made many changes in the last 9 months, but enjoying entertaining was not one of them.  

"Well..."  Gus said but paused before he finished his answer.  "I was thinking that I'd like to make something a little more complicated than chicken with a few spices.  I guess I would like him to help me.  No offense, Dad, but your cooking skills are still pretty basic."  He shrugged his shoulders and smiled at his father, hoping he wouldn't be offended by the statement. His mouth watered at the anticipation of eating the meatballs.  It was one of his favorites and he was excited to eat the food they had cooked.

"No problem, Sonny Boy.  I would be the first to admit that Emmett has way better cooking skills than I do.  He is a caterer after all.  Otherwise, people would be paying a lot of money for mediocre food.  But I think before we decide that we are having another dinner party, don't you think you should ask Emmett?"  Brian said as he looked at his friend who was grinning from ear to ear.  

Gus put the meatballs on his plate and then asked, "Emmett, could you help me with another dinner party?  This time I want to make dessert too."  Gus knew Emmett would say yes since they had talked about it earlier, but he asked him as his father said.

Emmett was at the first of the small line and brought his plate to the table.  He said, "Of course, I'll help.  Now, I'll have to look at my calendar to see when we could have this soiree, but I'm sure we could come up with a date."

"What's a soiree?  I just want everybody to come for dinner,'  Gus said as he joined Emmett at the table.  He asked, "Do you want water?" 

Emmett said, "Sure,"

Gus asked his father and Justin and they nodded yes.  He grabbed four waters from the fridge and put them out in everyone's place at the table.

Brian and Justin joined them at the dinner table and everyone enjoyed the meal.  

Justin said, "We are so lucky to have you helping Gus.  I know I, for one, look forward to Saturday night knowing I'm going to have amazing food.  Do you ever offer takeout?  It would be way better than the typical choices."

Emmett laughed and waved his hand back and forth.  "No caterer that I know offers takeout.  That wouldn't be worth my time.  Besides, catering is supposed to be an experience, not your everyday occurrence,"  Emmett explained.  He took a bite of his meatball and licked his lips.  "I do have to say, Master Gus, that we did make some amazing meatballs tonight."

Gus said, "Thanks, but all I did was follow your recipe. Do you think I'll ever be able to do it by myself?  I mean make my own recipe and stuff?"  Gus looked at the three adults for an answer.

"Gus, you can do anything you want to do,"  Brian said.  "You've got plenty of time to learn to cook or do a lot of other things.  I know you can."

"Gus, you are young, but look how you took to my photography lessons.  I bet when you take those classes this summer, you'll be even better.  I'm sure you'll learn cooking too if that is what you want to do,"  Justin said.  He smiled at Gus, hoping his words were encouraging.  

"I did learn photography pretty quick and Emmett has been a great teacher for cooking.  I guess I should just keep learning,"  Gus said, happy that the adults in his life felt he could accomplish things.  

Turning toward Emmett, he said, "So Aunty Emm, will you look at your calendar?  I want to start thinking about what we're going to cook and I guess I need to practice making it at least once."  Gus' excitement could be heard in his voice as he looked at Emmett.

Emmett took out his phone and scrolled through his calendar.  "Well, are we doing this on a Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?"

"Let's go on Saturday or would that not work due to weddings?  Would Sunday be better?"  Brian asked, realizing that Emmett might not be available when he thought it would meet his timetable.

"Well, I do have a Saturday free in two weeks.  The couple was going to have an anniversary party but their children surprised them with a cruise so they canceled.  They promised to book me when they came back,"  Emmett said as he read the notes in his calendar entries.

"Can we do it in two weeks, Dad?"  Gus asked, realizing that his party might be really soon.

Brian rolled his eyes but knew he would not deny his son this opportunity.  "If it works for Emmett, it's fine.  Who do you want to be here?  This is your dinner."  Brian finished the last bite of his squash, amazed that Emmett could make vegetables taste good.

"The family.  You know, Dad.   Aunty Emm, Uncle Ted, and Uncle Blake if he can come. Mom and Momma, and of course Grandma Debbie.  You and Justin since this is your place and you are dating Justin.  Maybe...."  he hesitated,  "Could I invite Tommy?  I've been telling him about my cooking and I think it would be neat to have him."

Brian let out a breath he did not know he was holding when he realized that Gus had not mentioned Michael.  Maybe Gus realized that there was a rift between them, even though he tried to keep Gus out of his personal business.  "It's your dinner.  If you want to invite Tommy, go ahead, but do you want to have him around your crazy family?  If you want to invite your friends for lunch one Saturday, that could be arranged."  Brian said, wondering when he was replaced by a pod person who willingly invites a group of 10-year-olds into his home.

"Thanks, Dad,"  Gus said, getting up from his chair and giving Brian a big hug. "Emmett, we're going to have to figure out what to cook.  I'll have to make a list of food, and ..."

"Slow down, Sonny Boy.  Let's finish tonight's dinner and then we can worry about the dinner in two weeks,"  Brian said.  

Gus finished the last of his meatballs and said, "Sure Dad.  I'm just excited."

"I know,'  Brian said.  

Having settled the dinner entertaining issues, the four of them finished eating and then cleaned up.  Emmett told Gus he would call him tomorrow or they could talk at Debbie's Sunday night and they would start planning a menu.  Emmett hugged Brian and Justin and left to go home to get ready for Babylon.

Gus helped clear the table and then asked if he could get on the computer to look up recipes.  Brian laughed and told him he was welcome to the computer but needed to head to bed in an hour or so.  

"Sure, Dad. You're the best,"  Gus said and walked to the computer, turned it on, and immediately became immersed in his mission to find recipes.

"I saw you putting on a pot of coffee when we were cleaning up, do you think it is ready yet?" asked Justin.  He walked to the cabinet, got out two mugs, and then went to the fridge to get his creamer.  

"I can't sneak anything by you," Brian teased.  "But I think it should be done, if not now in a few minutes.  Since Gus is still awake, I don't imagine that we can sneak off to the bedroom for a repeat performance?" He looked at Justin like a kid who was asking for a treat but knew the answer before he asked.

"No, what would you like to do?"  Justin asked, excited about the idea of heading toward Brian's bedroom after Gus went to bed.

"We could watch some TV, or we could get Gus' Nintendo Switch out and play some video games,"  Brian suggested.

"If I wasn't here what would you be doing?"  Justin asked as he waited for his coffee to cool down so he could take a sip. While Justin was eager to return to Brian's bedroom, he didn't want their relationship to be based on tumbles in his bedroom.

Brian said, "I don't know.  Why? It's not like I plan every minute of every day."

"Let me ask in a different way.  We've been spending almost every evening together for the last nine months and I've been spending at least one day of every weekend with you and Gus.  What is your expectation moving forward?  Do you expect that I'm going to be here pretty much all the time?" Justin didn't want to provoke Brian, but he was still feeling a little unsure about Brian and his reaction to him not responding to his texts. He hadn't planned on talking about the pink elephant in the room, but the opportunity had come up and he went with the flow.

"I hadn't really thought about it.  Are you telling me you're tired of me and don't want to be here?"  Brian tried to keep his voice down, but Justin could hear the steely tone that it had changed into. "The door is right there,"  Brian said, pointing to the sliding door.

"Calm down, Brian.  I never said I didn't want to be here.  But this is exactly what I'm talking about.  What are your expectations for me, for us?  If we're going to make this work, we need to know what the other expects.  If I don't know what you want from me, then I can't know if it is the same thing that I want or if I can give you what you want."  Justin said in a calm soothing voice, hoping his tone would bring Brian back down.

"Shit!.  I did it again.  I jumped to a conclusion the minute I didn't like what was happening,"  Brian said, apologizing and looking contrite.

"Brian.  Tonight at the meeting Carl talked about relationships and how hard they are.  I'm not an expert, obviously or I would not have failed at my previous attempts,"  Justin smiled and shook his head slightly, shrugging his shoulders.  "But after a number of failed relationships, I know what I don't want.  What do you want in a relationship?"

"Hey Dad, Can we have ice cream?  We bought some yesterday."  Gus called out from the office area.

Brian was relieved by the interruption as it would give him some time to think about his response to Justin.  "Sure.  Let's have some ice cream and then you'll have about half an hour before it's time for bed."  Brian turned to Justin and asked, "Want some ice cream?"

"No, I'm pretty stuffed from dinner." 

Brian walked into the kitchen and grabbed a bowl from the cabinet.  "I'll scoop it out."  Brian put ice cream in a bowl and brought it to the table. He did not make a bowl for himself. 

"Dad, maybe we should just have ice cream at the dinner. This stuff is really good," Gus said as he finished his bowl.  "Can I have more?"  

"No, you cannot have more.  But, you can have anything you want at your dinner, it's your event.  Now, you've got about 30 minutes, and then it is bedtime for you." Brian said as he picked up the bowl and brought it to the kitchen.  He rinsed it out and placed it in the dishwasher.  

Gus returned to the computer eager to do some additional research before he had to go to bed.

Justin and Brian returned to the couch.  Justin's coffee was now the perfect temperature to drink and he took a sip and said,  "Brian, Gus gave you a little reprieve. Don't think I didn't see the look of relief on your face when he asked for ice cream.  What do you want in a relationship?" Justin's voice was soft and he smiled at Brian, trying to make the conversation less threatening.  He recognized the deer-in-the-headlights look Brian had given him earlier and wanted to ease his mind. 

Brian thought for a few moments before answering.  "I like having you around.  I've gotten used to you being here every night or almost every night.  I guess I want you to be here."  

"Okay, that's a start.  You like my presence.  But Brian I had a boyfriend that was literally in my back pocket.  I couldn't make a move without him wanting to know where I was.  If that is your idea of having me in your life, then this won't work."  Justin inwardly cringed when he thought of that relationship.  He was so relieved when he broke it off.

"Message received.  If I text you and you don't respond, it's not because you are blowing me off, but because you are busy working.  So if that is all I need to be successful in our relationship, I've got it down pat." Brian smiled, feeling good about his success in their relationship.

"Brian that is only one piece of a relationship's success.  Money, careers, common interests, and priorities in life are all a part of a relationship.  We need to be on the same page here."

Brian finished his coffee, having cooled it down with creamer and sugar.  He placed the mug on the table and turned toward Justin.  "We both have careers and we know we like the same things.  We've been hanging out for 9 months.  As for money, I've never really thought about it.  We each buy our own meals and pay our way when we do things.  My priorities are pretty simple, being with Gus and maintaining sobriety.  I guess we're still good."  Brian said smugly, happy that he'd ticked off every box that Justin mentioned.

"Okay.  I guess we just handle the hiccups as they come.  We both want to be together so we'll leave it at that.  But promise me that if you are upset with something I do, you won't let yourself stew in your anger.  I know you don't like talking, but getting angry is not helpful either."

Brian felt their conversation was complete and he called out to Gus, "Sonny Boy, did you find some recipes?"

"Yes.  I printed out a bunch.  I'm going to talk to Emmett about it.  He usually is at Grandma Debbie's on Sundays and hopefully, we can talk. Thanks again, Dad.  You're the best."

"It's time for bed.  We have to finish your diorama tomorrow and then we'll have to take it home before I drop you at Debbie's."

"Okay."  Gus shut down the computer and put the recipes in his backpack.  "I'll be ready in about 5 minutes and you can come in to tell me goodnight."

Brian took a few sips of his coffee, anticipating the time when Gus was in bed and he would be free to be alone with Justin.  He hoped he had placated Justin's inquiry and they could enjoy another make-out session as he had been looking forward to repeating their explorations.  Brian went into Gus' room, kissed him goodnight, and closed the door.

Brian sat down next to Justin on the couch, moving in to kiss him lightly on the lips.  "Gus should be asleep in a little while.  I seem to remember a promise about a repeat performance," Brian said, softly as he stroked his hand on Justin's cheek. Brian was tired of talking and wanted nothing more than to enjoy the physical side of their budding relationship.  

Justin leaned into Brian's touch and met him with a soft kiss.  "Mmm," he murmured as he opened his mouth to let Brian in.  Soon they were kissing, tongues dancing with each other as their bodies immersed themselves in each other.

"Let's go to my room,"  Brian suggested and Justin's response was to stand up and follow him.  Tonight it was not as awkward, both men having enjoyed each other the week before.  

Brian undressed Justin and Justin undressed Brian, pulling shirts overhead and maneuvering zippers and buttons.  Soon, they were entangled on the bed, limbs entwined and mouths seeking each other's flesh.  

Justin moved down, finding Brian's cock and engulfing it in his mouth while at the other end of the bed, Brian was mirroring his action.  His cock was engulfed by the warm cavern that was Justin's mouth.  His only thought was pleasure; his and giving Justin pleasure as well.  The sounds of Justin sucking his cock coupled with the heavy breathing as his own cock was engulfed in Brian's mouth was music to his ears.  Soon he felt the familiar tightening in his balls, heard his panting as he raced to the finish line, and exploded in Justin's mouth.  After a few moments, he continued his ministrations on Justin and Justin also exploded in his mouth.  They both lay breathing heavily on Brian's bed, waiting for their heart rates to slow and their brains to return to normal.

 "I'll say it again.  Why did I wait so long to ask you out?  You are as talented in the bedroom as you are in the showroom,' Brian said, letting Justin know that he enjoyed their latest tryst.

Justin smiled at the compliment and said, " So did that reassure you I want to be here?"  Justin teased, already knowing the answer.  "You're not half bad yourself.  I promise to not avoid your texts in the future, but unfortunately, I must be headed out.  I still have to ensure that my paintings arrive and once they are at the gallery, I have to supervise their hanging.  Just a warning, this week will be very hectic for me and while I won't purposefully ignore a text, it may happen that I don't return it right away."

"I get it.  No freaking out if we go another week without talking.  Just so you know, I talked to Molly and she and I made plans for dinner before the show.  I think Emmett is coming for the opening, but I told Gus we would go later.  Maybe, we could take him the following weekend. Although, that would make for a busy weekend.  Dinner on Saturday as well as your show might be pushing it a bit.  I imagine it will take most of the afternoon for Gus and Emmett to prepare for the soiree."  Brian laughed at the fancy term.  "Only Emmett could call a simple dinner with family a soiree.  Anyway, if they take all day Saturday for the dinner thing, it would only leave us Sunday for your show.  Personally, I think one big event is sufficient for a weekend.  You said your show will be up for a month, right?"

"It is amazing how you can think everything through to the last detail.  I guess that comes with your business.  If one part of a campaign doesn't go well, it spoils the whole thing,"  Justin said, thinking about the million details Brian must keep in his head at all times. He kissed Brian on the lips with a soft kiss and said, "Yes, my show runs for a month and if it is well received, it might be longer.  But I wouldn't want to wait to bring Gus.  The show is next weekend and the following weekend is Gus's dinner.  I think the following weekend would work."  

He nodded and said, "That should work.  I'll talk to him about it.  He should be fine with the changes."  He leaned over to give Justin a kiss on his neck. The soft, smooth skin was exciting other parts of him as well, and he could feel his erection stirring back to life.

As Justin was still pressed next to him, he felt Brian's cock and turned toward him, "Sorry, you'll have to take care of that one on your own.  I really must be going."  Justin stood up and started dressing, hunting down his clothing strewn over Brian's bedroom. He hated leaving but understood and accepted that he had responsibilities and needed to be on top of his game in the morning.  He looked longingly at Brian still laid out on his bed and found himself licking his lips and salivating at the beautiful sight.  He turned away in hopes that he could keep his own cock from reacting to the site. 

Brian watched him as Justin put on his underwear and jeans, and then got out of bed donning his own underwear and jeans.  When Justin was fully dressed, he walked him to the door and gave him another searing kiss.  "Later," he said as he opened the door watching him get on the elevator.  

Brian found that he was tired, evidently talking and sex wore him out.  He and Gus had to work on his diorama tomorrow and they had to finish it earlier so he could take Gus back home.  He hoped Justin wouldn't have another busy week and he'd get to see him before the show.  He was looking forward to the show and seeing more of his work.  He hoped Emmett would like the show as well.  He wasn't sure much Emmett knew about art or would appreciate it, but he was glad that Emmett was making the effort to attend.

Brian and Gus worked on the diorama the following day.  Emmett called Gus and they planned out a menu.  As they were driving to Gus' home Gus asked Brian, ' Dad, if Justin's show is next weekend, am I going to see you?'

"Of course.  I asked Debbie to watch you for a few hours on Friday night while I go to the opening.  Otherwise, our weekend will be the same. I thought we talked about it.  I guess I need to be a better communicator.  Justin says I should share my thoughts more."

"I wish I could go to the show.  It would be so cool,"  Gus lamented.

"You are going to see the show, just not opening night.  Justin is working and I want you to be able to ask him all about the paintings without taking him away from his patrons.  We'll go in a couple of weeks.  You'll have your dinner the next Saturday so you'll be busy with that.  Justin and I thought having you come out the following week would work.  If you saw the exhibit the same weekend as your dinner, it would be a lot to cram in.   

"Okay, Dad.  That sounds great.  And, yes I remember you saying something about me staying with Grandma Debbie.  I just forgot," Gus said as he watched the cars go by as they drove toward his home.  

Brian dropped Gus off and headed for his Sunday meeting.  He didn't see Justin's car in the lot, but he was earlier than normal so wasn't concerned.  He walked in and went to the coffee table, took a whiff of the overly cooked brew, and grabbed a bottle of water instead.  

As he waited for the meeting to start he thought about the weekend and the conversations with Justin.  He wondered if he really was expecting him to be at his beck and call.  When the leader called the meeting to order, he was disappointed that Justin had not shown up, but remembered that he had warned Brian that he might not see him until the show next weekend.  Brian was not happy about the idea of another week without Justin.  He turned off his wandering mind and listened to the meeting, knowing that he really needed to give it 100% of his attention.

The topic had been about open-mindedness, being open to new ideas and thoughts, and realizing that none of us have all the answers.  On the way home, he contemplated the idea that being open-minded also meant that his ideas were not always right and that he needed to see the other side of an experience. While Justin and he had talked about his anger and obvious hurt when Justin did not immediately text him back, the problem went deeper.  It was really about his need to be immediately acknowledged.  He knew that he had to start thinking about Justin's needs, not just his own.

The next few days went by quickly, and just as Justin had predicted he and Brian had not seen each other.  Justin had made a point of responding to Brian's texts, but Brian had also made a point of just sending a text in the evening after a meeting, letting him know he was missed. 

By Wednesday, it had been 4 days since Brian had talked to Justin and while Justin had been true to his word about responding to Brian's texts, Brian missed him.  

After every meeting, he felt the absence keenly when he grabbed a quick bite at the diner or chose takeout from his home.  

Wednesday had been a particularly busy day and when he got home from AA, he got out his journal while he waited for the delivery guy from the Thai place up the street.

Life is okay, but I feel like I'm just going through the motions and making money, closing deals, and generally doing what I'm supposed to do as CEO of a boutique ad agency.  However, it all feels empty. What am I doing with my life?  What is the purpose?  I mean sure I'm very successful and Kinnetic is gaining a reputation as the place to go if you want hip advertising.  But I find that I want more.  I'm not really sure what more means but I think there has to be more in life than making money.  I used to think that success was walking away from Joan and Jack, never looking back at their pathetic lives or having to see them again.  I was never beholden to them and they surely did not feel that they owed me anything. I wanted to have money to do what I pleased, and now I do.  But I'm finding that I want more.  Sure money makes it really easy to give Sonny Boy whatever he needs.  No need for him to question if he can go to some extracurricular event, soccer camp, or buy new cleats for soccer.  He just asks and it happens.  When I was a child I thought that this was what it meant to be successful, having the money to do anything you wanted, but now I realize that money is not the only thing that makes someone successful. 

While my ideal solution would be to whisk him away for the remainder of the weekend when the world would be far removed, I know that is unrealistic.  I will see him at the show and offer my support, but while I would love to go home with him after the show, I'll wait not so patiently for his invitation to let me know that he is up to hanging out.  I remember what it is like to have a large campaign go live.  The hours leading up to it are so busy and you don't feel that there are enough hours in the day to get done everything that needs to be done.  Once the launch is done, your adrenaline that has been coursing through your body at 100 times its normal rate finally gives out and you crash.  I will try to remember that this is a big show for him and be patient if he's not available until next week.  Next week will suck, but that should give me time to think about what I really want in life.  I want more than to be successful at Kinnetik.

Brian read through his journal, satisfied with the entry, and put the journal back on the shelf.  He timed it perfectly as the buzzer rang announcing the delivery guy.  He buzzed him up, tipped him, and took his Pad Thai to the couch.  It was close to 9:00 and he had been hungry when he ordered the food, but he found that after eating a few bites, he didn't want anymore.  He closed the box and put it in the fridge.  He was restless and didn't want to sit at home. He grabbed his keys and headed out to his car.

He wasn't sure where he was headed but knew he couldn't sit in his home any longer.  He needed people.  He drove toward Liberty Avenue and parked in the lot by Woody's.  He sat in his car, contemplating his next move.  He realized he could go in, shoot some pool, and kill an hour or two until he was ready to head home.  It was a Wednesday night, the middle of the week, and the place wouldn't be very busy.  

Emmett and Ted wouldn't probably be there, so who would know that he came?  But then, what would happen if they were there?  Would they question him about his presence? Would they tell him he shouldn't be there?  He doubted they would tell him to leave, but he wasn't sure.   Would he be tempted to drink and if so would he abstain?  Did he want to drink?  That thought was unexpected.  He hadn't thought about drinking in months.  Why did he suddenly think about drinking?  He knew from his meetings and talking with both Cleo and Justin that he drank to hide from his feelings.  What the hell was he hiding from or was he actually hiding?  Was he just restless and wanted to play pool and hang out with people?  But he didn't even know if his friends would be there, so was he really wanting to hang out, or was he going in to have an anonymous drink when no one was likely to know that he had slipped up?  

While he sat in the parking lot contemplating his next move, a knock on his window got him out of his reverie.  Michael was knocking on his window.

Brian could choose to ignore him in the diner, but it was much harder to do when he was literally standing outside his car.  He reluctantly rolled down the window, choosing to say nothing.

"Hey, Brian.  I've missed you so much.  Going to Woody's by myself isn't the same, but you're here now.  I'll go order us a few beers and we can see if the pool table is free.  It'll be just like old times.  I'll meet you inside,"  Michael said, as he smiled widely and waved at another patron in the parking lot.

Brian rolled up his window and hit the dashboard with his hand.  Instead of going inside as Michael had expected, he pulled out of the lot and headed for a diner a few blocks away.  It was a little late, but he knew he needed help.  He pushed the icon for Cleo as he sat in his car.  Unlike half an hour ago when he was contemplating his next move, he knew this one was the right one.

"I need help," he said when Cleo answered the phone.  

Cleo didn't question the hour or chastise Brian for interrupting his evening.  Instead, he said, "What can I do?"  

Brian felt at ease for the first time that evening and said, "Can you meet me at the 9th street diner? I need to talk." 

"Sure.  Give me 30 minutes.  Do you need me to stay on the phone and talk while I drive there?"  Cleo offered.

"No.  I'll just go in and order some coffee.  See you soon," Brian said as he let out a breath he wasn't aware that he was holding.  

He walked into the diner, was seated by the waitress, and ordered a big pot of coffee while he waited for Cleo.  

TBC

Brian sat at the table waiting for the waitress to bring his pot of coffee.  There were three tables that were occupied; there was a young man with a goatee who had his laptop and a thick book on the table.  There was a large pot of coffee at the corner of the table and he appeared to be reading a book. Brian thought he was probably a student wanting a place to study.  At the second table, there was an older man, with graying hair and he wore a yellowed t-shirt.  He was eating a piece of pie and reading a newspaper.  At the third table was a young woman with a baby carriage at the side of the table.  Brian hoped the baby wouldn't start crying as he didn't want to hear that kind of noise.

His eyes darted around the diner, not really looking at anything in particular.  He fidgeted with the creamer cups, stacking them in threes and fours and then twirling them on the table.  He picked up his water glass, took a sip, and then put it back on the table.  A few minutes after ordering the pot of coffee, the waitress brought the pot and poured him a cup.

"It's fresh.  Do you want anything else?"  She asked as she watched Brian fidget with the creamers on the table.  

"No,"  Brian said, too restless to even tell her ‘thank you'.  

"Okay.  I'll check on you in a bit,"  she said and walked to the table where the man in the yellowed t-shirt was finishing his pie.  

Brian picked up three packets of sugar and dumped them into his coffee cup.  He took one of the creamer containers and added it to the cup as well.  Picking up his spoon, he stirred it all together and took a sip.  It was hot, but he didn't really feel the heat as his brain was filled with other thoughts.  He wasn't thirsty, cold, or tired, and drinking coffee was more to have something to do to occupy the time until Cleo came.  

His mind was filled with thoughts and he wished he had his journal with him and decided to get out his phone and use the note-taking app on it.  He usually used Ever Note to jot down ideas as he never knew when an idea for a campaign would come to him. He remembered having a conversation with Justin about inspiration and how someone's muse didn't get to choose when it showed up.  Thinking of that conversation made him miss Justin even more.  

He pulled out his phone and scrolled to the app, opened it, and started swiping letters.  He didn't know what genius developed swiping but whoever it was should have gotten a Nobel prize. He remembered the early days of cell phones when you had to hit the number buttons a few times just to scroll through to get to the correct letter.  Then someone had the brilliant idea to put a qwerty keyboard on the phone and that made a big difference in texting. This brought him to the fiasco with Justin and not responding right away to his text messages.  His mind was filled with a stream of consciousness and it felt like every thought brought him back to conversations with Justin.  6 degrees of separation, but instead of connecting how you knew someone to their connection to another person, it was connecting everything he did to a conversation he'd had with Justin or something they'd done together.  

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath trying to center himself and picked up his phone to write.  

What the fuck is wrong with me?  When did every waking thought lead to Justin and when Justin isn't available I fucking fall apart.  It started out when he didn't respond to my text and we figured that out, but...."  Bran stopped writing, not sure what he wanted to say.  Cleo had told him that his journal was for him and that if he wanted to share it, he could but it was for him to write down his feelings and see if there were any patterns.  

Brian found that he usually just wrote whatever came to his mind and rarely hesitated, but tonight he had so many thoughts in his head that he wasn't sure where to begin to write them down.  He picked up his phone again and started writing.

I've never spent so much time thinking except to come up with brilliant ideas for campaigns.  Cleo got me writing my thoughts and I've filled almost an entire journal with them and will have to pick up a new one soon.  But what good does it really do if I have no idea what the thoughts mean?  It's like a kid doing algebra and having no idea how he will need it in real life.  Well, actually, algebra is something most people have no need for unless you are an engineer and build bridges and shit.  

I thought I was okay with things, but then I got thrown a curve ball when Justin didn't respond to my texts.  Shit, what a pussy.  I mean it is a fucking text. When did I become a high school girl whose feelings were hurt because the guy I liked didn't call me?  But I'm over the texting thing.  Now, my problem is .... Brian stopped again, not sure what he wanted to write.   

Before he could decide, Cleo walked in, located Brian, and sat down.  Brian had been looking at his phone and didn't see him come in. Brian heard the chair being moved and looked up to see Cleo. 

Brian said, "Thanks for coming."

Cleo said, "No problem.  I said any time and I meant it.  What's going on?" Cleo asked, not bothering with small talk.  In the three months that he had sponsored Brian, he had never called to ask for help.  Cleo knew that Brian had been sober for 6 months prior to his sponsorship, but 6 months wasn't really a long time when you thought about how long most people had been drinking.  

"I drove over to Woody's tonight,"  Brian said, thinking that the statement would be self-explanatory and he wouldn't have to provide any further information.

"Woody's?" Cleo asked, clearly unfamiliar with the significance.   "Is that a person or a place?"

Brian realized his mistake and said, "Woody's is a gay pub on Liberty Avenue.  I used to hang out there with my friends and play pool.  It's not a dance club, just a place on Liberty Avenue."  Brian explained the bare minimum about the pub to Cleo.  

"You drove over to Woody's?"  Cleo repeated, the question in its significance lost on him.  He was not grasping the problem or why Brian was obviously sufficiently upset to reach out to him.

Brian shook his head and explained, "I used to hang out at Woody's every night.  I'd go there to have a few drinks, unwind, maybe shoot some pool, pick up some tricks and shoot the shit with my friends.  Sometimes I'd buy some E as well."

Cleo nodded, beginning to understand the significance of Brian driving over to Woody's but he did not bombard him with questions, instead, he waited for Brian to share the significance of his actions.

"I was restless, and didn't want to stay in my loft tonight."  Brian took a sip of coffee and put the cup down.  He picked up the spoon and mixed the ingredients again.  He picked up a container of creamer and stacked it on another one and then laid four containers side by side.  He took a deep breath and continued.  "It all started last weekend.  Justin is getting ready for a show and he's been really busy.  I didn't see him all week last week and when I texted him about the weekend, he didn't respond.  Then Gus and I texted him again, and he didn't respond.  I let it get to my head, thinking he decided he didn't want to have a relationship."   Brian took another sip of coffee and felt the tension in his body increase as he shared the information with Cleo.

He shook his head, looking down at the table for a few moments before continuing.  Cleo watched Brian, recognizing there was a lot more to his drive to Woody's and hoped he could get Brian to talk about the situation. 

"We had sex the weekend before and then I thought Justin decided that it was a bad idea.  I'm stupid.  We had sex on Saturday and then he asked me to go to lunch with him on Monday, but I conveniently forgot about Monday since we didn't have any time for anything but lunch.  Then he was busy with his art show and I didn't see him all week. I knew he was going to be busy, he told me he would probably not see me, but when he didn't respond to my texts, I let my imagination get the better of me.  I know, I sound like a high school kid with a crush,"  Brian stopped talking, glancing around the diner to see if anyone was paying attention to them.  The young man with the laptop and book was still sitting in the corner with his pot of coffee and appeared to be deep in reading and taking notes.  The older man with the graying t-shirt was no longer there and had been replaced by another man in a rumpled suit with this tie pulled loose, and the young mother with the baby carriage was gone.  No one seemed to be looking at Brian or paying any attention to him except Cleo who sat patiently occasionally sipping his coffee.

Brian glanced at Cleo to see if he wanted him to continue and Cleo nodded gently at him, raising his eyebrows slightly in permission for Brian to continue sharing.

"Justin showed up Saturday morning and to say that I was happy and angry was an understatement.  We talked and figured it out.  Talking again.  Who knew that Brian Kinney would ever talk about anything that wasn't work-related and do it on a regular basis?"  Brian said, acknowledging his progress but denigrating himself at the same time.  Cleo took note of his continued practice of putting down himself and his progress.  He was concerned that Brian referred to his actions as that of a high school teen, telling Cleo that Brian didn't take pride in his abilities to work through his problems. 

The waitress came back to the table asking if they wanted more coffee or wanted to order.  Both men declined and she left them alone.

"We talked and I thought I was good with everything.  We got together again Saturday night, but I haven't seen him since. We texted a few times, but that's it.  Tonight, it got to me.  I came home from my meeting and wrote in my journal."  Brian looked at Cleo with a faint smile on his face, like a child who wanted to be acknowledged for a good deed. Brian waited a minute for Cleo to acknowledge his statement and after Cleo nodded he continued.  "Anyway, I finished writing and was restless.  I know you said that the journal was for me and I could choose to share the information or keep it private but I think I need to share what I wrote."

"I'm here to listen to whatever you want to talk about,"  Cleo said in a quiet, soothing voice.  He was very interested in what was going through Brian's mind which resulted in him going to Woody's and calling him tonight.  

"I need a direction.  I always thought that success meant having enough money to get away from my childhood and doing whatever I wanted to do.  I have a successful business and a home that I love.  I have a relationship with my son and that is growing all the time.  I used to only see him for a few hours a week and now I have him every weekend.  I even bought him a bed and cleared out an extra room for him so he could have his own space.  But, I'm realizing that all the things that I thought meant success aren't enough.  I want someone to share it with."

"I'm still confused about how that led you to drive to Woody's tonight?"  Cleo asked, trying to understand Brian's actions.

"I missed Justin and I've been missing Justin.  Everything I do I connect to something Justin said or something we did together.  He hasn't been around much for the last 10 days and I just said fuck it.  What good is sobriety and all this talking and writing in my journal if I'm still alone?  I got in my car and drove to Woody's.  What really scared me is that I actually thought about going and still went.  I had this little debate in my head thinking about whether any of my friends would be there and what would they think if I showed up.  Then I decided that it was the middle of the week and most likely no one would even know if I went.  I hadn't really thought about what I would do once I got there, but the idea of an anonymous drink had definitely crossed my mind. When I got there I sat in the parking lot, debating whether to go in and then I heard a knock on my window."  Brian paused, thinking about the significance of the knock for the first time this evening.

"Mikey knocked.  I rolled down the window, knowing I could not get away with ignoring his presence.  I've basically not acknowledged him for the last few months since he hasn't been supportive of my sobriety.  He keeps denying that I could possibly be an alcoholic and every time he saw me all he wanted was to go for drinks and get me back inside Babylon or Woody's.  I've worked through that rejection and I've accepted that we will not renew our friendship until he accepts my situation.  But, anyway, when he knocked I rolled down my window and he says he's really glad I'm here and I've realized I'm not an alcoholic and he'll go in and order us some drinks."  Brian stopped talking, reliving that short conversation, acknowledging for the first time that it was precipitous that it actually was Michael who saw him.  "I guess I owe him for knocking on my window.  It was the wake-up call I needed.  I realized that as much as I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want to be drinking either.  I watched him walk into Woody's, making sure he was inside, and then rolled up the window and high-tailed it here, calling you on the way."  Brian finished his story and looked at Cleo, hoping that he would not see disappointment or judgment on his face.  He was relieved that Cleo's expression hadn't changed throughout his entire monologue.

Cleo waited a few moments to ensure that Brian had finished talking before he responded.  He drank some coffee and waved the waitress over to the table.  She walked over a few moments later.

"What can I get for you?" She asked as she got out her pen and pad of paper.

"I think I will have a piece of cherry pie,"  Cleo said and looked at Brian to see if he wanted anything.  

Brian's stomach rumbled, reminding him that he had not eaten dinner.  "I guess I should eat.  I ordered dinner earlier but when it arrived I didn't have an appetite.  I'll have a turkey sandwich on wheat bread, no mayo.  If you have any dijon mustard, I'll have that on the side."

"I don't think we have dijon but we have some horseradish mustard.  Will that do?"  The waitress said.

"Sure,'  Brian said as he nodded his head.  

"It'll be right up.  Do you need more coffee?" she asked as she lifted the near-empty pot.

"Yes, Please,"  said Cleo when Brian didn't respond. When Cleo looked at Brian he appeared exhausted, his shoulders slumped and his face looked tired.  It was as if all the energy had been sucked out of him after he had shared his thoughts with Cleo.

"I'm glad you called, Brian.  You've said a lot of things and didn't say just as many, but I feel that after 3 months of being your sponsor, I have some insight into what makes you tick."

Brian took a deep breath and said, "You know, sitting here at 10:00 o'clock at night is not the vision I had for myself when I stopped drinking.  I'm not really certain what I thought it would look like, but it certainly wasn't me feeling like I've reverted to a high school teenager."

"Let's start there since you've mentioned that subject a few times.  You seem to feel that your need to be acknowledged by Justin is like being in high school and that is a negative situation.  Can you tell me a little more about that?  I think I need to understand what is bothering you about the situation."

Brian didn't answer right away as he had to take a few moments to think about the question.  He mulled over his responses but didn't say anything.

"Brian, I know you've been keeping a journal and I want you to think of our conversation just like your journal.  I'm not going to judge your answers but I think you need to just say what is on your mind and not try to give the politically correct answer.  Remember, no one is judging anyone here.  I just want to help, "  Cleo said, reminding Brian that their relationship was non-judgemental and he would not stop helping Brian even if he did not agree with his actions.

"Okay, deal.  Going back to high school brings back a lot of memories.  I already knew I was gay and wasn't interested in girls, well, definitely not dating them.  Girls were basically there except when they would endlessly talk and giggle about some guy.  I knew they would never be talking about me; after all, I was not on the dating scene.  But, I could not avoid listening to their giggles and seeing their note passing in class.  Occasionally a teacher would catch a girl passing notes and chastise them, but it seemed to me that a lot of time was spent in high school with the girls talking about boys.  There was endless talk about going out, what they were going to do, if they had sex or how far they let a guy go, and whether or not a guy liked them.  It was a constant topic of conversation in the halls, between classes, at lunch, and even in the bleachers.  I was a big soccer player in high school and got a scholarship to college with it, even.  Anyway, I would look at the bleachers during halftime, and sometimes while waiting my turn for goal shooting during practice and I could see the girls giggling and pointing at different guys on the team.  I never really understood the appeal of endless talking about guys and giggles etc.  And now, I get it.  I think about Justin all the time, want to talk to him all the time, and everything I do makes me think about him and either how he would like/dislike an activity or to share something about my day with him. So this constant thinking of him reminds me of the girls in high school and I guess I used to think they were silly and obsessed with guys and that I would never be like that.  And here I am, just like those girls in high school."

Cleo nodded in understanding.  He remembered being in high school and how the girls acted around the guys.  But this talk wasn't about him, it was about Brian and his needs.  He didn't need to be reminded of his role in this meeting.  "It bothers you to be reminded of high school or is it that you are like the girls in high school? "

The waitress came to the table, bringing their food. As she placed the turkey sandwich in front of Brian, he could hear the rumbling in his stomach protesting the length of time it had been since his last meal.  His mouth watered at the smell of the sandwich, despite the plain fare. Slightly embarrassed by the loud protests from his stomach, he said, "I apologize.  I ordered some Thai food earlier tonight but was too restless to eat."  He picked up his knife and dipped it in the mustard that the waitress had placed near his dinner plate.  She had put it in a small cup, unsure if he would like the alternative she had suggested.  He tasted the mustard on the tip of the knife, allowing the slightly spicy flavor hit his tastebuds, and then nodded.  "This will do."  He spread it on his sandwich and took a bite, chewing the food while he thought about Cleo's question.

"Yeah.  I guess it does.  I'm a forty-year-old man who is constantly thinking about this guy.  I've always been independent and never needed or wanted to rely on anyone in my life and now all that has changed. I always thought my life was perfect.  I was highly successful in my business.  I was the stud of Liberty Avenue; everyone wanted to have sex with me.  I had nothing to do with my poor excuse of a family, and I had enough money to do whatever I wanted to do.  And all that changed when I became sober."  Brian took another bite of his sandwich, accepting that he was really hungry.  He could feel the tension in his body; having Cleo sitting across from him had not magically erased his anxiety, but he was feeling better.

"I wrapped my car around a fucking tree and I could have hurt myself or worse, Gus, had he been with me.  That was the wake-up call I needed to make changes in my life, and now that I have made some changes, I'm beginning to wonder if my perfect life wasn't so perfect after all."

Cleo nodded in understanding and ate a piece of his cherry pie.  It was an indulgence that he didn't allow himself very often but he understood the importance of treating yourself every now and then.  "Brian,"  Cleo said, wanting to make sure Brian was listening and he had his full attention.  "I understand that you are freaked out by thinking you are like the high school girls you remember from your youth,  but why did you go to Woody's?  That is really why we are here tonight."  Cleo felt that he needed to bring Brian back to the reason they were sitting here.  While he had given Brian permission to talk freely and encouraged him not to filter his thoughts, he felt that Brian wasn't really getting to the root of the issue.  He felt that it was important for Brian to leave their meeting with an understanding of his actions and pride in the way he handled them.

Brain shrugged, not sure what to say.

"Okay, let's pretend for a moment that you really don't know why you went to Woody's,"  Cleo said, allowing Brian to partially get away with his denial.

"What do you mean pretend?  If I knew why I went to Woody's why would I be sitting here?" Brian said, the anger in his voice evident when he thought Cleo was calling him a liar.  He started to scoot his chair back and made a motion for the waitress to come to the table.

Cleo said very calmly.  "I will not and cannot force you to stay, but I think that you should.  Sit down, Brian."

Brian sat down, imagining what Gus felt like when he corrected him.  "Sorry," Brian said, feeling like he was 10 years old.

"No need to apologize.  You were uncomfortable and you wanted to leave.  You have a right not to feel uncomfortable, but I think your discomfort has more to do with your denial of the situation than with my words."  Cleo said as he waved the waitress away as she approached the table.

"Now, let's try this again. Why did you go to Woody's, Brian."

"I was feeling restless and I didn't like the feeling.  I thought if I went to Woody's it would give me something to do."  Brian paused as he admitted his motivation for going.  He felt little relief in admitting his motivation and instead felt guilty.  "Am I ever going to learn to deal with my feelings?  A little restlessness and I turn back to my old habits.  I'm such a loser.  I should just tell Justin to find someone else."  Brian said as he thought about his actions and their consequences.

Cleo reached out to Brian and placed his hand over Brian's hand that was sitting on the table, giving it a tight squeeze.  "Pity doesn't become you, Brian.  And I don't like anyone who uses pity to get other people to act.  So stop your pity party, I don't want to attend." Cleo used his stern voice as he felt that Brian had sufficient coddling for one night.  It was time to help him acknowledge his actions and figure out the next step.

"Ouch,"  Brian said.  "Message received."  Brian smiled a small smile and took another bite of his sandwich.  

"Good.  I think you needed a good swift kick in the ass.  Now, let's go back to Woody's.  Where are you right now, Brian?"

"I'm sitting here eating dinner with you," Brian said, not quite following Cleo's reason for asking.

"Exactly.  You are sitting in a diner, eating dinner with me.  Where were you when you called me tonight?  I'll answer that question.  You were in your car, driving from Woody's."

"Okay.  So, I'm eating dinner with you and not at Woody's.   Not really following this line of questioning, Cleo,"  Brian said, and then took another sip of his coffee.  His cup was empty so he took a few minutes to pour another cup and then add the requisite sugar and creamer to it.  

"It's pretty simple, Brian.  You were uncomfortable, restless, and missing Justin, so you initially turned toward your old coping mechanisms.  You drove to Woody's.  But, you didn't go in.  You had a conversation with yourself about the pros and cons of your actions and then when your friend Mikey showed up, you decided that it wasn't such a great idea and called me instead."  Leo dragged his fork across the plate to get the last remnants of the cherry filling and then brought the fork to his mouth, enjoying the last of the pie.

"You didn't fail.  You did exactly what you were supposed to do.  You didn't just act on your feelings, but instead thought about the consequences and used one of your coping mechanisms.  You called me.  And here we are, sitting here eating together instead of you sitting in Woody's contemplating whether you could get away with a drink or three." Cleo stopped talking while he waited for Brian to realize that he was a success and not a failure in his sobriety journey.

"Point taken, but then why do I feel like a stupid high school girl?"  Brian asked, not willing to give up his feeling of defeat so easily.

"That one is easy, Brian.  This is the first time that you are dating someone.  In the early stages of dating someone, it is pretty typical to act the way you are.  You constantly think about the person, want to be with them, miss them when they aren't there, and think about everything you do in relation to them.  It's called dating and while you aren't in high school, you are doing all the same things now that those girls did in high school.  You're just a little late to the party," Cleo explained.  He smiled as he thought of himself at that age and was glad that he had a wonderful partner at home and was not having to muddle through that part of life.  

He also understood that Brian was really struggling with these issues; therefore he added, "It's perfectly normal to feel that your life needs something more and if that something more is Justin, great.  Many people in recovery don't have a job, a home, or even friends that are supporting them in their journey.  You already had a good job and a home you love as well as a few close friends who were there for you and supported your decisions.  It is normal to start questioning other parts of your life, ie your personal life at this point in your journey. You are realizing that success is more than a job, money in the bank, and a house."

"So, you're telling me that I'm typical?"  Brian said, tongue in cheek.  "I've never been ordinary in my life."

"Sorry to disappoint you, but yeah you are an ordinary recovering alcoholic who is realizing that he wants more out of life than sobriety.  You are exactly where you should be, Brian.  There is no specific calendar that says at month so and so, you should be here.  There are no standards like in school or business. The only shareholders are you and you decide the way your journey evolves."  Cleo poured himself another cup of coffee, feeling that he had assured Brian of his normality and his success in using his coping strategies.  He was pleased with his discussion and if Brian's demeanor was any indication of his success, he had been successful in this intervention.

"Gotcha.  Sorry to pull you away from your evening," Brian said, sincerely and feeling a little guilty at interrupting Cleo, especially, this late at night.

"A crisis doesn't occur between 9:00 and 5:00.  In fact, it usually occurs after those hours as that is when the recovering individual is not involved in the day-to-day doldrums of life.  It's when a person is left with time on their hands or when something goes wrong, that usually results in problems.  When a person agrees to sponsor a person in recovery, it is with the full knowledge that a call for help could come at any time.  If the sponsor isn't willing to be available, then they should not offer to be a sponsor."  Cleo took a sip of his coffee, glad that caffeine did not impact his ability to sleep.  It was getting close to 11:00 and he wanted to get home and get some sleep before he had to go to work in the morning.  However, he was not going to leave before he was certain Brian was okay.

"Thank you.  I guess being normal is good.  On the other hand, I have to get used to the feeling that I'm pining away for Justin. That sounds so old-fashioned but it is really how I feel.  I guess I'm deeper than I thought.  I just have to get through a few more days and then I know I'll see him.  His show is Friday but he probably won't be able to get away on Friday either.  I guess I'll have to settle for seeing him briefly on Friday,"  Brian said, obviously accepting his new idea of normality.  

"It's late.  Why don't you go on home and I'll get the bill?  I'll see you on Monday,"  Brian said waving the waitress over a second time to the table.  He waved his hand at Cleo.  " go on.  I can see you trying to stifle your yawns.  I'm okay.  I promise."

Cleo looked at Brian and saw the relaxation of his shoulders and the soft lines on his face.  "Okay, but don't hesitate to call if you need anything.  I'm glad you called, Brian."  He stood up and walked over to Brian. Brian stood and gave him a hug.  It felt natural and he was glad that he had called Cleo.  It was a relief to know that he had someone who had his back.  He knew he could have called Ted or Emmett and they would have been supportive, but calling them would have alerted them to his struggles and he hadn't wanted to do that.  He wanted to keep the illusion of a perfect recovering alcoholic.  He thought that might be another topic for writing in his journal, but for now, he was happy that he had left Michael at Woody's and wasn't regretting his decision.

He watched Cleo leave and then sat down to finish his sandwich.  He finished eating about 5 minutes later and picked up the bill to pay it.  He took out the money and laid it on the table, leaving the waitress a generous tip, despite the fact that the lack of customers at that hour would not have garnered any additional customers at her station.  

As he walked to his car, he thought about his night and the decisions he had made.  He opened the car door and his phone rang.  Looking at the caller ID, he saw it was Justin. He answered.

"Hey.  I'm 5 minutes away from your place.  Want some company?"  Justin asked.

Brian wanted to see Justin, but what was he going to tell him regarding the reason for his being 20 minutes away at 11:00 at night?

Chapter 14 

"Hey.  I'm 5 minutes away from your place.  Want some company?"  Justin asked.

Brian wanted to see Justin, but what would he tell him about the reason for his being 20 minutes away at 11:00 at night?

Chapter 15

After the fiasco with texting the previous weekend, he knew that honesty and openness were critical to the success of their relationship.  He remembered one of the first conversations they had about slipping up and Justin agreeing to support him.  He took a deep breath and knew that this might be a test and he hoped that they would both pass it.  He hated to think that Justin would change his mind when he learned the truth but knew he had to be honest and explain the situation.

"I'd love to see you, but I'm leaving the diner on 9th street and am 20 minutes from home,"  Brian said, choosing not to disclose why he was there at this time of night.  He hoped Justin would accept the statement and not question him, but knew if he did he would tell him.

"Oh,"  said Justin, surprised at his answer, and mentally did some calculations at Brian's location. "That's down by the river, why are you out there at this time of night?"

"I met Cleo," Brian said, knowing Justin would understand the significance of his statement.

Justin felt his gut clench at the mention of Brian's sponsor.  He understood the role of a sponsor and the willingness to meet at a moment's notice when the person you were sponsoring needed you.  He was no longer Brian's sponsor but wanted to support him as well.  He also knew that if he asked Brian what happened he was walking down a slippery slope.  Discussions between the sponsor and the person they sponsored were private and unless the person chose to disclose the nature of their conversation, no one should ask.  However, on the other hand, he and Brian were trying to build a relationship and they had agreed to discuss the need to drink or a slip-up if that occurred.  All of these thoughts took only a few moments but he knew he had to make a decision quickly. 

"Are you okay?" Justin decided that this was the easiest question to ask. He had to balance his need to know what was going on with Brian with Brian's right to keep his recovery private.

"Yeah.  I'm good.  If you're willing to wait, I can be there in about 20 minutes.  I know you are getting ready for your show and have a million things to do, so I understand if you need to go home,"  Brian hated that he was not home and might miss out on the opportunity to see Justin, but he also knew that as much as he wanted to see him, Justin had an important career event in a few days and would need to be in top form.  Justin didn't need the added burden of dealing with him and his crises.

"I'd like to wait.  It was a last-minute decision to come by.  I thought I would surprise you.  I know it's late.  Are you sure you want me to come by?  You go to work pretty early these days,"  Justin said, offering Brian an out if he wasn't up to seeing him.  He really wanted to see him, but also knew it might not be the best of times to do so.  He remembered many late nights that often led to twisted thoughts that brought him down a rabbit hole.  

Brian laughed a little at their conversation."We are a pair, aren't we?  Want to come over?  Sure, but are you sure you want to come at this time of night?  Well, I know you get up early, so it's okay if you don't want to come.  We sound like two people who are walking on eggshells, afraid to speak their opinion in case we might hurt each other's feelings,"  Brian said as he summarized their brief conversation.  He was already on his way home, hoping that Justin was still driving in that direction.   No matter the time of night, he really did want to see him.  He still struggled with the notion that expressing his needs and asking for things was okay.  

"I'm pathetic.  You asked if I wanted company and I should have just said, yes.  So, let's start this conversation over again.  Yes, I would love to see you, but I'm now about 12 minutes away.  If you are willing to wait, I'll be home soon,"  Brian said, starting the conversation over.

Justin laughed at Brian's quick review of their earlier interactions and said, "You should be a comedian.  You have me laughing at your rendition of our conversation.  Are you sure you're calling is in advertising?  I haven't laughed so much in years. But I don't think you are a pathetic loser, so sure I'll wait."

It was Brian's turn to have his gut wrench at Justin's words.  Hearing Justin refer to him as a pathetic loser, even if the statement was made in jest, brought up all the negative feelings that he'd been struggling with earlier in the evening. However, his talk with Cleo had given him a different perspective and he knew that he was not a pathetic loser.  Instead, he said, tongue in cheek. " Are you suggesting I change career paths?  If so, I disagree.  I'm brilliant at what I do and I have no desire to work in bars every night."

Justin laughed again.  "Good, because I'm not a real fan of going to bars and I kinda like the idea of seeing you on a regular basis.  Of course, if you worked in bars and clubs at night, it would leave us time during the day to hang out.  We might find that it would provide us more time to get to know each other as the rest of the world is winding down its day just as we are starting ours.  Mind you, it would put a crimp in my painting schedule as there is absolutely no daylight in the evening so I would never have natural light to paint by and that would suck,"  Justin continued describing their new lifestyle, enjoying the silly proposition.  

"I like the idea of getting to hang out with you during the day, but painting in the dark does have some distinct disadvantages.  Of course, if we were vampires, we would be forced to do things only at night, and then changing careers to a comedian would work really well,"  Brian continued the conversation, enjoying their light-hearted banter, knowing both of them had no intention or thoughts of changing their careers. He appreciated that instead of just waiting for Brian in the parking lot by the loft, Justin was engaging Brian in a make-believe scenario.  

"Vampires?  Well, I never thought of that option.  I guess if you were a vampire, working in nightclubs till 2:00 in the morning would work really well.  Although as an artist who appreciates sunlight, it would make my life a lot harder.  I guess I would need to change careers too,"  Justin said.  He pulled his phone away from his ear, looking at the time, seeing how long they'd been on the phone, and estimating how long it would be for Brian to get home.  Based on Brian's timetable he would be pulling into the garage in about 5 minutes.  He put the phone back to his ear. "I'm in the parking lot across from your place.  Do you want me to grab a couple of coffees from the Sweet Peas around the corner?  I could be there and back by the time you get here."

Brian thought about Justin's suggestion, deciding that having a cup of coffee already there might not be a bad idea; however, if he had to make coffee, it would give him something to do. "Sure,"  he said, ensuring that Justin intended to stay.  While he knew Justin had agreed to wait, he had this fear that if he took too long, he might decide that he was better off just talking to Brian another time. He looked at the street sign as he passed through another intersection and calculated that he was about 5 minutes from home.  "I should be there in about 5 minutes.  This way when you get back, you won't have to wait and we'll have fresh coffee.  No need to wait for a pot to brew.  Great thinking. See you soon."  

As Brian continued to drive he thought about what to say to Justin.  He debated whether he should tell him about his aborted visit to Woody's or his talk with Cleo.  He thought about the pros and cons of each decision and remembered the meeting that he recently attended where the leader talked about lying and drinking.  He'd made his decision and looked forward to meeting with Justin soon.

As Brian pulled into the parking lot, he didn't see Justin's car and was relieved to see he had not returned.  He took the elevator up to his apartment and unlocked the door, smelling the distinct aroma of garlic, basil, and coriander. While he had put his mostly uneaten dinner in the fridge, the spices still lingered in the air.  His mouth watered at the smell as he heard his stomach growl, despite having had a turkey sandwich at the diner with Cleo. Smelling the Thai brought back his earlier unease this evening and he felt a wave of embarrassment wash over him.  

While Justin said he would bring stop by Sweet Pea for some coffee, Brian was still restless and put up a pot of coffee to brew.  It gave him something constructive to do rather than pace his home and will his mind to stop thinking.  

Before he had too much time to wallow in his feelings, the buzzer rang, announcing Justin's arrival.  Brian smiled at the turn of events of the evening, even if it had been a roller coaster for his emotions. 

He buzzed Justin in and opened the door, watching for the door to the elevator to open and let Justin out.  A few moments later, Justin exited holding two coffees.  He smiled at Brian and said, "Hey."

Brian waved him in and Justin handed one of the coffees to Brian.  Brian said, "Thanks."  There were so many other things he wanted to add, but instead, he closed the door and motioned toward the couch.  

Justin sat down and placed his to-go cup on the coaster.  Once he saw Brian do the same, he scooted over, gave Brian a quick kiss on the lips, and said, "I even put two creamers and sugar in it for you.  I hope it meets with your approval."

Brian took the cup and brought it to his nose, smelling the familiar aroma.  "I'm sure it's fine. I guess you've watched me a lot.  I mean, I doubt Emmett or Ted would know that I put two sugars and two creamers in my coffee.  You're a regular Barista.  I guess you could do that for a living.  People drink coffee 24 hours a day,"  Brian joked, returning to their earlier banter.

Justin played along and responded, "I could but then I'd likely have to work early in the morning and I'm not exactly a morning person."  He blew on his coffee through the small hole in the top of the cup and took a tentative sip to see if the temperature was acceptable.  "I'm glad I found a Sweet Pea close by.  They do have some of the best coffee."

"I seem to recall some of our earliest discussions were about coffee shops and who had the best coffee.  I'd forgotten about those earlier conversations,"  Brian said and then blew on his own cup and took a drink.  "Perfect.  I don't go to Sweet Pea, convenience stores are not my typical haunts, but I'm glad you have scoped out the landscape.  I'll have to keep them in mind when I want a quick cup."

They drank a few more sips of their coffee and then Brian put his cup down, looking at Justin.

"I imagine you are wondering what happened since I was out with Cleo,"  Brian said, looking at Justin.  

"You don't have to tell me, Brian.  I understand that you and Cleo have a unique relationship and those discussions are not something I expect you to share,"  Justin said, looking into Brian's eyes.  Whoever said that the eyes are the windows to the soul was 100% correct. Brian's eyes looked troubled, the lines around his eyes were noticeable, something he usually didn't notice.  It wasn't just his eyes, but his entire face that looked tense.  He hoped Brian would share what was going on in his life with him but he didn't want to push, especially since the relationship between Brian and Cleo was not something he had a right to discuss. 

"I know I don't, but I remembered a meeting that I recently attended.  The leader talked about how all alcoholics lie.  They lie about drinking,  They lie about wanting to drink. They lie about how they are going to get their drink.  All of their life is often a lie as they don't want to admit that most of their waking moments revolve around alcohol in some form.  I also know that I need to tell you about what is happening to me.  It is not about my conversation with Cleo, but more about where I am."  Brian said as he took another drink of his coffee.  

Justin listened and he felt his gut tighten but he willed himself to calm down.  When he kissed Brian a few moments ago, he did not smell the tell-tale alcohol on his breath.  Whatever had happened, it didn't appear that Brian had slipped to the level of actually drinking.  Another part of his brain reminded him that he could have slipped up as it was almost midnight and Brian could have had hours since he had a drink.  If that were the case, there would no longer be a residual smell or taste on his breath.  

Justin didn't trust himself to say, "I'm here and I'm all ears." He turned his body even more toward Brian, putting his knee on the sofa where his foot was hanging off.  It sort of looked like part of a number 4.  He was careful not to put his foot on the sofa as Brian was very particular about cleanliness. Instead, he nodded in Brian's direction, feeling that his actions would speak for themselves.  

"I missed you and was restless.  I've been attending meetings and writing in my journal, but tonight .... Well tonight I just couldn't calm down.  I drove to Woody's."

Justin attempted to keep his face neutral but at the mention of one of Brian's frequently visited watering holes, his eyes shut and his mouth opened.  He realized immediately what he'd unconsciously done and immediately schooled his face and closed his mouth, but his initial reactions were not lost on Brian.  

Brian continued, "I sat in the parking lot and had this stupid conversation with myself.  I tried to convince myself that no one would know if I went in and had a drink.  After all, it was the middle of the week and it was unlikely that Ted or Emmett would be at Woody's.  I sat there for a while, just watching the guys go in the door and remember what it was like to shoot some pool, have a few beers, and pick up a couple of tricks.  Nostalgic."  Brian stopped, finished the last of the coffee that Justin had brought, and was glad he had made a fresh pot.  Instead of asking Justin if he wanted more coffee, he got up, went to the kitchen, and poured himself a cup, grateful that he'd had the forethought to make a pot despite Justin bringing him coffee.  He placed the sugar and creamer in the mug, mixing it to his liking.  Justin did not follow him into the kitchen and Brian was glad that he chose not to join him.  It gave him a few minutes to take a few deep breaths before returning to their conversation.

He sat down on the couch and took a sip of his coffee and gave Justin a small smile.  Justin nodded his head, showing that he was listening and Brian continued. "Glad I made a fresh pot.  I thought one cup wasn't going to be enough,"  Brian said as he placed his mug on the coffee table. "  Anyway, on with my story.  I don't know how long I sat there.  I just continued to think about going in and having that first drink.  But then, a knock on my window brought me back to reality."

Justin looked at Brian, raising his eyebrows, trying to figure out where Brian's story was going.  He took the last sip of his coffee, but unlike Brian, chose not to grab a fresh cup from the kitchen as he did not want to distract Brian from continuing his story.  Brian's eyes were looking beyond Justin, somewhere in the vicinity of the door. Justin knew it must be difficult for Brian to share the story and he wanted to support him by giving him his full attention, despite Brian's inability to look at him directly.  At least Brian was sitting on the couch rather than walking around the room as he had been known to do in the past.

"A knock,"  Justin asked, letting Brian know he was listening.

"Yeah.  It was Mikey.  He recognized my car.  After I rolled down my window....  I couldn't pretend that I didn't see him, practically bouncing in his excitement.  I've tried to avoid talking to him when we're both in the diner, ignoring him, pretending I don't see him, or sitting facing the back so I wouldn't see him if he walks in while I'm eating. My strategy seems to work as he has not ventured my way."  Brian said, explaining how this was an important component of the story.  "Anyway, he proceeded to tell me that he knew that I was really not giving up drinking and he'd go in and order us a couple of beers and be waiting for me.  Before I could answer, he practically bounced with excitement and walked toward Woody's.  He just assumed I would follow."

"Oh, Shit!!"  Justin said before he could realize what he'd spoken out loud.  

"Yes, my sentiments exactly.  Oh, Shit! However, that was the exact thing I needed to hightail it out of there.  I watched him go in, rolled up my window, and left, calling Cleo on the way and asking him to meet me at the diner."  Brian picked up his coffee mug, took a sip of coffee, and placed it back on the coaster.  He took a deep breath and finished his story.  "So, there you have it.  I screwed up and that is why I wasn't here when you called."  Brian leaned forward, placing his elbows on his knees, and bent his head, placing his face in his hands.  

Justin wanted to scoot over and place his arms around Brian and kiss him until he couldn't think, but he knew that was not the right move.  While he was no longer Brian's sponsor, he still felt that he had to help Brian process this episode.

"I'm not really following you, Brian.  Help me out here.  Screwing up means you took a drink.  Unless I didn't hear you right, you didn't have anything to drink," Justin said, trying to be supportive and to figure out where Brian's head was.  Brian's brain was evidently sending him some negative messages and he wanted to help Brian realize that he didn't have to accept the messages but could interpret them in a different way.  

Brian lifted his head out of his hands and looked away from Justin since he still couldn't look him in the eye. "No, I didn't have anything to drink, but..." he stopped and twirled his coffee cup that was sitting on the coaster.  He wanted Justin to be mad, and upset, but instead, he was being kind and gentle with him.  "I went to fucking Woody's and I probably would have gone in and had a drink or three, picked up a few tricks, and thrown the last 10 months of my work down the drain.  And all because I was fucking restless.  I'm such a screw-up."  Brian sighed and ran his hands across his face, and then resumed his earlier position, elbows on his knees and face in his hands, eyes closed, not looking at Justin. 

"Brian, will you please look at me?  I don't want to talk to the top of your head," Justin asked, his voice soft and gentle.

Brian took his face out of his hands and leaned back on the couch.  He attempted to look at Justin, but his eyes were focused on the door behind him rather than looking into Justin's eyes.  

"That's better,'  Justin smiled, hoping Brian would see the smile, despite not looking directly at him.

"Brian, you did exactly what you were supposed to do.  You were tempted to drink and you called your sponsor.  That isn't screwing up, that's a success."

"Success would be if I had never gone to Woody's,"  Brian said, disagreeing with Justin.

"Brian, sobriety is a lifelong process and we will always fight our demons.  I have a little demon that frequently wants me to drink, especially when I'm having a shitty day or even more so, a few shitty weeks.  None of us are immune to the little demon,"  Justin said, sharing his struggles.  "Do you think you are the only person in recovery who ever went to his old haunts and thought about going in?"  Justin asked, his voice still soft and supportive, not accusatory as Brian thought it might be.  "Every time I'm stuck and can't get my muses to cooperate, I think about going down to the local bar, having a few drinks, and forgetting about life.  But, I don't because I know that I don't want to be where I was and I don't want to be that person.  That person was drowning in self-pity and uncertainty.  That person was miserable and had almost lost the most important thing in his life, his art.  No, I don't go down to the local bar, but I sure as hell think about it."  

"You still think about drinking?"  Brian asked, surprised at this new revelation.

Justin looked at Brian, glad that he was actually looking at him rather than the wall behind Justin.  "Of course, I still think about drinking. I think about it every day, but I know that I can't do anything about it and I've worked too hard to try and screw it up."

Justin had never talked about his own drinking with Brian. As his sponsor, it was supposed to be all about Brian, not about himself.  Justin realized at that moment that his actions were a mistake.  Supporting the person you are sponsoring could and should include sharing your own struggles with alcohol.  He realized that inadvertently he'd put himself up as a paragon of virtue, defeating the alcoholic demon and shutting the door to his world.  Only now did he see that by focusing only on Brian without disclosing some of his own successes and struggles, he might have left Brian with only half a picture.  

"I'm sorry that I never told you.  I was so focused on you that I guess I never thought to share my own struggles.  I think maybe there should be a training session for people who want to be sponsors,"  Justin said, realizing the monumental impact a sponsor has on a person.  "However, on the other hand, that wouldn't probably be a good idea since sponsorship is so personal.  There really isn't a one-size-fits-all."  Justin stopped talking, giving Brian and himself a few moments to think about his revelations.  

Brian had sat up on the couch, his face no longer in his hands when Justin finished talking.  He looked at Justin, seeing him in a different light.  He saw a man who had demons of his own and still struggled on a regular basis with his sobriety.  "How do you do it?  I mean, don't you get tired of fighting the demon every day?"  Brian asked as he found this conversation a very different one than he had expected. 

"Sometimes I get tired and I just want to walk in that bar or grab that glass of wine at an opening, but then I quickly remember what my life was like when I was drinking and I quickly realize that the taste of alcohol on my tongue for a few moments is not worth the rabbit hole that I could easily fall down.  I've worked too hard to succumb to its lures," Justin said, glad that Brian was now sitting up and looking at his face rather than staring off beyond the couch.

"Oh,'  Brian said as he played with his coffee cup again.  "You're telling me that I'm always going to have to deal with wanting a drink?"  Brian said as he realized what that meant for his life.  "I mean I knew that I couldn't drink and that I am a much better person now that I'm not drinking, but somehow the two ideas never converged.  You know, not drinking now and not drinking forever.  I guess I never thought about the long-term future. I've been so focused on figuring out who I am and what I want out of life that the other stuff hadn't really been on my radar."

"Brian, I'm not the sobriety police and I'm not your sponsor.  I'm just a guy you are trying to figure out if you want a relationship with.  While both our sobriety issues are definitely part of our relationship, there is a lot of other stuff too."  Justin said, remembering the reason this topic came up.  "You were saying that you were restless and that is why you went to Woody's." Justin redirected Brian to share the reason why he went to Woody's in the first place. 

Brian's eyes looked toward the ceiling and then quickly looked down again. "I missed you.  You've been really busy with your show and I really do understand what that entails.  I know when I have a big deadline or a launch that is about to start, I feel like I work 15-16 hours a day trying to get every last detail perfect.  Then when it is all over, it seems that the next big campaign just takes its place and the cycle starts over again.  I get that every little detail is critical for the success of the show."  Brian ran his hands over his face again, trying to remove the strain that was there, but not succeeding.  

"As I've said a few times before, I'm new at this relationship stuff.  I don't know the rules and I am not searching Google to get advice on the top 10 things to do when dating."

Justin laughed at Brian's description of people's use of Google.  This brought some levity to the tenseness in the room and Brian seemed to relax.  Justin was still there and he had not run for the hills as soon as Brian told him about wanting to drink and now that he was talking about missing him, he was still sitting on the couch and listening.  Both of these actions helped Brian calm down.

"I'm not used to wanting anyone around and missing their presence.  I know you are trying to answer my texts and I appreciate your efforts.  But tonight it just wasn't enough.  I can't tell you why tonight was different, but it just was.  I missed our light banter and I missed your smile and cooking together and..... Well, I missed everything.  I know I sound like a high school girl with a crush.  I guess I'm coming into my second adolescence,"  Brian said sheepishly as he explained his restlessness.

"And why do you think I decided to call you at this hour of the night?  I felt the same way.  Sure, my art and my show are important, but life needs more than work. People need a balance between work and play and for the last few weeks, the scale is really tipping toward work.  I was restless too and realized it was because I was missing you." 

Justin got up from his place on the couch and went to sit by Brian.  He reached out for a hug and Brian eagerly put his hands around Justin and squeezed hard. Justin felt Brian's strong arms engulf him in a much-needed hug.  Human touch was important and Brian knew that touch could express his feelings better than his words. 

After a few moments, Brian pulled away and said, "I needed that." He leaned in to kiss Justin who responded by opening his mouth and letting Brian's tongue in.  The events of the evening were quickly forgotten by both men as they allowed their emotions and bodies to take over where the words of the evening could not do justice. The human body is a remarkable instrument that can talk better than any master orator and both men allowed their bodies to do the talking.  

The two of them quickly found their way to Brian's bedroom where clothing was quickly discarded and the non-verbal talking continued.  Quicker than either man expected or desired, their bodies released their pent-up orgasms and they lay quietly in each other's arms. 

"I really am a high schooler again.  Getting off by rubbing against your body brings me back to some of my earlier forays with sex,"  Brian said glibly when he got up to go to the bathroom for a wet cloth to clean them up.  

Justin laughed again.  "I can absolutely guarantee with certainty that we are not time travelers and have reverted back to our high school selves.  I, for one, would not want to go back to high school.  That was an awful time.  I was bullied because I was gay and as I said, my parents kicked me out.  I like my life now so much better."

"I wouldn't want to go back to high school either.  My home life was less than stellar as well.  But I said that I feel like a high schooler.  I just remember all those silly girls giggling about the crushes they had on the boys and talking about them incessantly.  No, I don't go around giggling about you, but I do find that I want to talk to you and share little tidbits of my day with you.  It is a new experience and I'm not used to thinking about anyone but myself... well I do think about Gus, but not like I think about you."  Brian brought back the warm, wet cloth and handed it to Justin.  Justin cleaned himself and then took the cloth to the bathroom.

"Where do you want this?" he asked, not sure where to put the used cloth.

"Just put it in the corner.  When it's dry, I'll throw it in the laundry."

Justin put the cloth in the corner and returned to the bed.  "I like that you think about me.  I think about you too.  That is why I came over tonight.  I missed connecting with you."  Justin leaned over and gave Brian a quick kiss on the lips.  "And just so you know, I don't think of you as a high school girl with a crush.  You may feel like you're like those girls with crushes in high school, but I assure you that our relationship is so much more than a simple crush.  At least on my part."

"You don't feel that I'm being silly?"  Brian asked, eager to have Justin's opinion on the topic.  Cleo had already told him that there was nothing wrong with his feelings but he wanted reassurance from Justin that his feelings about their relationship were normal. 

"Of course not.  When people are in relationships they often think about sharing with the other person.  It's the shared experiences in life that connect and bond people.  High schoolers are pretty self-centered. Their brains haven't totally matured yet.  We are both mature adults. While you may be still figuring out what you want in life, you are actively making a new life for yourself.  I want to do it with you."

Brian nodded and said, "I want that too."  Brian looked at the clock on his nightstand.  "It's late.  Do you want to stay here for the night?  I'd like to have you here." Brian hadn't ever thought about asking Justin to stay the night, even though he could have done so earlier.  Gus was only with him a few nights a week and he didn't want to provoke Lindsay with the fact that Justin was staying overnight. 

Justin said  "Sure.  I'd like that. I want to add that I doubt many teenagers are having overnight guests while they are living in their parent's house.  We are not teenagers."

Brian laughed.  "I get it.  I'm not a silly teenager.  Just tell that to my brain.  It keeps telling me I'm being like a teenage girl with her first crush." He leaned over and gave Justin another kiss.  "I've got a fresh toothbrush I can offer you"

"I'll take you up on that offer."  Justin yawned and he didn't try to stifle it.  "I'm tired.  I've had a long day."

Brian got out of bed, went to the closet, and gave Justin a packaged toothbrush.  He gave him a towel and showed him where his toiletries were, motioning for him that he could wash up as well.  Brian had two sinks in his bathroom and used the other one.  After both men were finished, they retired to the bedroom.

"Do you have a side of the bed you sleep on?"  Justin asked.

"Not really.  You choose," Brian said as he motioned toward the bed.

Justin got in on the left side and Brian got in on the right.  Brian shut off the light on the nightstand and scooted over toward Justin.  He spooned next to the man, and Justin eagerly scooted back toward him.  Brian draped his arm around Justin's waist, closed his eyes, and quickly fell asleep.

Justin took a little longer to fall asleep.  His mind went in many directions. He thought about his crazy day, waking up at 10:00 and almost missing the meeting with the gallery owner, lunch with a prospective commission that Carol, his agent, had set up, and thinking about Brian in between appointments.   He thought about Brian sitting in front of Woody contemplating going in for a drink.  He remembered the first time that happened to him.  While he had not shared that event with Brian specifically, he had explained that it had happened to him as well.  He was glad that Brian was open to listening to both Cleo and himself regarding his feelings.  He thought about his feelings for Brian and how they had grown exponentially in the last few months.  While they had talked a lot about what a relationship was, he thought that tonight was the first time Brian admitted to having daily thoughts about him.  He was excited about their growth as a couple.  Lastly, he thought about lying in Brian's bed as they both fell asleep.  This was a big step for both of them.  Brian's asking him to sleep over seemed spontaneous and he doubted that Brian had ever considered an overnight visit.  But in his limited experience, asking someone to stay overnight meant that they had advanced their relationship to a new level.  He was excited about moving forward with Brian and for the first time that day, he relaxed, allowing Brian's embrace to calm him and settle his mind.   

TBC

Brian slept soundly and when he opened his eyes in the morning, he was surprised to see and feel another person in his bed. His first thought was anger at the trick that managed to finagle his way into Brian's bed and it took a few moments for the events of last night to permeate his sleep-fogged brain. When he turned his head on the pillow, he saw the familiar blond head and inhaled the now familiar scent of Justin as he lay sleeping next to him.  He scooted next to Justin, spooning their bodies together as his arms wrapped around the sleeping man.  He relaxed, remembering how Justin came to be in his bed.  

Brian's cock quickly hardened as it felt the smooth familiar planes of another man in its vicinity and quickly found its way nestled conveniently into Justin's crack.  In the past, Brian would have grabbed the lube that he kept by the bedside table, slipped on a condom, and had his way with the man.  Well, truth be told, he wasn't really sure what he would have done in the past as he never voluntarily let anyone spend the night.  Sex was all good and wonderful, but he never wanted to deal with someone the morning after.  He didn't want to deal with a clingy trick who thought Brian's willingness to have the person spend the night meant that he was interested in a repeat performance.  

But this wasn't some clingy trick, it was Justin, and he had asked Justin to spend the night.  He hadn't hesitated to ask him as it had seemed the most natural thing in the world.  He liked waking up and finding Justin in his bed, something that surprised him. Like Justin had teasingly assured him last night, they weren't teenagers since most parents of teenagers wouldn't allow overnight guests of the opposite sex.  Maybe Cleo was right and nothing was wrong with his frequent thoughts of Justin.  

Looking at the clock, he realized that his alarm would go off in about 5 minutes.  Normally, he would have reached over, turned it off, and started his day. But today he closed his eyes, inhaled Justin's now familiar scent, and wrapped his arms around his waist enjoying the sensory smorgasbord. Justin subconsciously scooted toward Brian, trying to get as close as possible, and made an "mmm" sound acknowledging his pleasure.

When the alarm went off, Brian reluctantly shut it off but returned to his previous position holding Justin for a few more moments.  While he knew he could be late to the office, he didn't want to be.  Cynthia and the rest of the staff had gotten used to him being there early and he didn't want to change that habit. 

Then Brian's brain jumped and thoughts of last night flooded his brain.  He had almost succumbed to an old habit, hitting Woodys, grabbing a few drinks, and picking up a few tricks last night.  His body quickly tightened as he thought of the ramifications of his actions.  Mikey...  Mikey had seen him.  While he hadn't gone in, Mikey had still seen him, and if Mikey was anything, he was predictable. It would be all over Liberty Avenue that he'd shown up at Woody's last night.  He wondered how long it would take for Ted and Emmett to hear about it.  He braced himself for the inevitable phone calls.  He hoped that maybe he'd get lucky and Mikey would be embarrassed that he'd not come inside and blown him off, but he doubted it.  Mikey was so self-centered that he'd have to boast that he was right all along and that Brian had not really given up drinking as he'd seen him in the parking lot of Woody's last night. 

Justin had woken with the sound of the alarm and inwardly groaned wondering where he was and why there was an alarm interrupting his sleep.  He quickly felt Brian's arms around him and the memories of last night came flooding back to him.  He had missed Brian a lot and ended up at his loft.  Brian had contacted Cleo when his restlessness had gotten the best of him and he'd headed to the diner where they often met.  He was relieved that Brian had used one of his strategies to help him with his stress but he was also saddened that he was the cause of the stress.  He quickly corrected himself and reminded him of the things he learned in AA.  No one was responsible for how someone else felt.  Each of us is responsible for how we interpret our actions and other people's actions.  We have to teach our brains to ignore negative messages.  He felt Brian's body stiffen as it held him and wondered what was going through his mind.

"Brian," he said gently, hoping his soft voice was non-threatening and might calm Brian down.

It worked as he quickly felt Brian's hold on his body lighten up.  

"Morning," he said as he turned around to give Brian a kiss.

Brian kissed Justin back.  "Morning, but my breath sucks.  I must say though, a morning kiss from you is a great way to start the day."  Brian caressed Justin's cheek before saying "I'd love to stay and play but I have to get ready for work,"  and then reluctantly got out of bed.  He stood at the side of the bed looking down at Justin and matter of factly said, "I have a feeling Michael will tell anyone who listens about our encounter last night and my phone will be ringing off the hook."  He frowned at the thought of the multiple interruptions to his already busy day.  He popped up one finger and said,  "Now, the question of the day is whether they will chastise me for drinking."  He popped up a second finger.  "Be supportive thinking that I slipped up."  He popped up a third finger. " Or door number three, thinking that nothing happened and that Mikey was exaggerating." He twisted his three fingers back and forth a few times and added, "Of course, door number three is unlikely as Mikey would probably leave out the part about me never coming in and drinking the beer he ordered.  Mikey bends the truth to fit his reality." Brian shook his head as he thought for the umpteenth time in the last 10 months how he could ever have felt that Michael was his best friend. 

Justin shook his head a few times to get the sleep cobwebs out before saying, "You really feel that your friends will think you fell off the wagon?"  Justin was incredulous thinking that Brian's friends would have so little faith in his progress.

"Not everyone,"  Brian answered quickly and then backpedaled. "Well, I would hope not."  He stood by the bedside looking at Justin lying with the blanket over his bottom half and he wished that he could jump back in bed and enjoy a quickie, but he knew he couldn't so he just answered Justin's question.  

He touched the pointer finger of his left hand with the pointer finger of his right and said.

"Melanie will be the first one to believe that I fell off the wagon.  It would prove to her that I was just going through the motions.  She wouldn't call though; she'd have Lindsey call and use that as an excuse that Gus shouldn't continue seeing me if I was going to be drinking.  Blah Blah Blah."

He touched the middle finger and continued. "Debbie, will call and ask what happened.  At first, she will believe Mikey, but when I explain what actually happened, she'll tell me she's proud of me.  She tends to want to believe Mikey, but realizes that I am more likely to give her the true story."

He touched his ring finger and said, "Emmett will call and fish around for the truth.  He'll be relieved and supportive."  

Then he popped his pinky, touched it, and said, "Ted will come in and ask if I want to talk.  He won't assume anything.  He's been great throughout my entire journey.  Even if I did slip up, he would still be supportive and tell me that it is a journey and he believes in me.  Ted has become a great friend."

Brian closed his hand and looked at Justin.  "And I can't forget you and Cleo.  Both of you were very supportive, never judgemental, and tried to remind me that I did exactly what I was supposed to do.  Use my strategies and here I am, another day of sobriety under my belt.  But I have to get ready for work or I really will be late.  Feel free to go back to sleep and stay as long as you want.  I know you're not a morning person and I don't mind if you stay.  I'll leave the code for the alarm on the coffee table.  Just set it before you leave."

Brian walked into the bathroom and closed the door, trying not to disturb Justin.  He brushed his teeth and turned the water on for the shower.  When the temperature was right, he got in and started bathing.  A few moments later he heard the door open and a shot of cold air hit him as Justin walked in.  Justin smiled at the sight of Brian, water cascading down his toned body and he licked his lips.  After quickly using the toilet, he opened the door and joined Brian.

"I thought I'd join you and remind you that we're not teenagers,' Justin said tongue in cheek referring to their conversation last night.  Besides, I couldn't sleep knowing you were in here showering.  I wasn't going to miss that opportunity.  I've got another busy day and I don't think I'll make it to AA tonight," Justin said, regretting that he would miss out on spending time with Brian.

"I'll miss you and I promise I won't have a repeat performance of yesterday.  No Woody's for me.  Seeing you last night and this morning should hopefully hold me until tomorrow at your show and I can't wait to see your latest work." Brian smiled as Justin grabbed the soap and started twirling it between his hands to make a lather. 

Justin started at the top of Brian's shoulders lathering up his skin.  He was fascinated with the way the soap glided over the smooth surface and the enjoyment he was getting from bathing Brian. While he had laid next to him in bed and they had enjoyed mutual blow jobs, this somehow seemed more intimate.  During sex, his body was focused on the prize, an orgasm.  Sure he wanted Brian to enjoy himself and he wanted to provide pleasure to him, but ultimately, it was about reaching the finish line, an orgasm.  When he stepped in the shower with Brian, he saw his entire body, and his mind wasn't racing toward that finish line.  He'd never really thought about it, but it seemed different. As he soaped Brian's back, he leaned in to give his back small kisses.     

Brian's body however was responding to the slippery soap and Justin' hands gliding over his back.  He quickly found his cock sporting an erection and his breathing increasing to match his arousal.   Brian wasn't in the habit of allowing his tricks to spend the night nor was he likely to shower with them either; therefore, he did not have any supplies in the shower. He wasn't going to let that deter him.  Turning around to face Justin, he pulled Justin toward him, crushing his mouth over Justin's while pushing his erection against Justin's body.  

Justin pushed back against Brian, wrapping his arms around his waist and their erections slid against each other in delicious friction. Both men quickly found their rhythm, enjoying the unique feel of each other as they reached orgasm in a quick few minutes.  

Brian grinned at Justin and said, "Are you sure that we didn't get transported back to our teens? I'm pretty certain that I haven't come that fast since I discovered my first boner."

"Yes, I'm sure."  Justin looked over Brian's body and took a cursory glance at his own and said, "Pretty certain that if I were still in high school I would not be standing in the shower with another naked man.  Yep, definitely not high school."  Justin grinned back and bent down to pick up the soap that he'd dropped when Brian turned around. "Besides, when I was in high school, I lived with my parents, had a curfew, and was trying to figure out how to survive each day.  I'm glad I don't have to deal with homophobia from the teachers and students anymore.  I would chalk our speed to liking each other and the slippery soap.  It does make for a great lube."  Justin grinned and returned to lathering Brian's body.

"And just so we're clear, just because you reached orgasm with lightning speed, you're definitely not a teenager with raging hormones and a brain that is still maturing.  I'm not into chicken,"  Justin said, referring to the slang term that many gay men used when describing a young male.  "I prefer you."  Justin leaned in and gave Brian a quick kiss.  As he pulled away, he saw that Brian was nodding his head in acceptance of Justin's proclamation. 

Justin washed Brian's chest and then moved to his arms.  "Today will be crazy.  If I wasn't an alcoholic, I think I would start drinking from all the bullshit that I will have to deal with since it is the day before a show.  It would cause anyone to drink,"   

"About that...." Brian hesitated but then continued.  "Thanks for sharing last night.  Knowing that you still struggle with wanting a drink makes me feel better."  Brian raised his arms to his sides, allowing Justin to wash them as well.  "Wait, that didn't come out right.  I mean... Shit! I don't want you to think that it makes me feel good because you're struggling.  I mean..."

Justin stopped soaping Brian's chest and leaned in for a quick kiss, then put his finger on Brian's lips.  "Shh.  I get it.  But there is no need to thank me for being in recovery and wanting a drink.  I should have told you a long time ago that I think about drinking too.  I'm not some AA paragon that stopped drinking and never had another thought of reaching for the sauce.  Remember, I may not be your sponsor anymore, but that doesn't mean that I'm not there to support you."  Justin handed Brian the soap and Brian started washing Justin's body. 

"Got it.  Thanks.  As much as I love spending time with you and enjoyed our morning activities, I have to get to work, "  Brian said as he gave Justin a quick peck on the cheek.  " You done?"  He eyed the faucets and moved to turn them off when Justin nodded yes. 

Brian grabbed a towel from the rack and wrapped it around his body as he opened the closet and grabbed a towel for Justin.  Handing it to him, asked, "While I have to get to work, I know you have a far busier day planned.  What's on your agenda?" Brian hung up his wet towel on the towel bar and walked back into the bedroom heading toward his dresser where he grabbed underwear and socks.  Justin followed him a few minutes later after he was dried off and had hung his towel beside Brian's in the bathroom.   

"I've got to hightail it to my apartment and dress for some interviews.  My agent has set up a few interviews with some local art critics and then I'm off to do a quick segment for a noon-time TV spot.  Normally, artists don't garner that type of media coverage but since some of the proceeds of the show are going to charity, everyone wants to know about the art." Justin hunted for his underwear and socks, finding one sock by the bed and the other by the door.  He had to hunt for a few more moments for his underwear, which had been discarded quickly in their desire to connect last night.  Locating it by the foot of the bed as well, he put on his clothes and was dressed before Brian had finished tying his tie.  He sat on the bed and watched Brian, enjoying the transformation from the man he just enjoyed a quickie in the shower with to the man in the power suit who was a CEO of a boutique ad agency.  

"I have to impress the masses on a daily basis.  I've always said that clothes help make a man.  If you look like you rolled out of bed minutes prior to your appointment, it sends a message that you aren't that vested in the outcome of the meeting.  Since I never know who I might meet in the course of a day, I always look my best.  You never know if the person waiting for a table at the new restaurant in town will be wanting to change advertising companies,"  Brian said, explaining his philosophy of dressing to Justin.

"I'm glad that I don't have to dress to impress on most days.  I can't see myself in a suit and tie very often.  If it was left up to me, I would dress in old jeans and an old t-shirt all the time.  It isn't very practical to wear nice clothes if you are just going to get paint on them."  Justin said as he waved his hand up and down his torso.  "I'm ready whenever you are."  Justin could have left after he finished dressing but he wanted to spend as much time with Brian as possible since he didn't think he'd be able to see him until his show, tomorrow.

Brian walked to the bed and leaned down to give him a kiss.  "Thanks for last night.  I'm glad you came over."  

"Me too. While I know texting isn't the same as being there, it's the best I can do until after the show.  Just know that every time I text you, I'll be thinking of our sleepover and early morning shower,"  Justin said as he grinned at Brian.

The two men walked to the door, Brian set the alarm and they rode the elevator to the first floor where they went their separate ways.

Brian walked to his car and started it as he looked at the clock on the dash.  It was much later than he'd been getting to work, but he was not upset with the reason for his tardiness.  He drove to the diner, parked his car, and went to the counter to order an egg white muffin with cheese and sausage to go.  He hoped it wouldn't be long as he wanted time to review the notes for his late morning meeting.

As he was waiting for his food, Emmett came in and spotted him by the counter.  He immediately went over and asked, "I heard you were at Woody's last night.  What happened?"  Emmet did not waste any time questioning Brian.

Brian ran his hand over his face and shook his head.  He had hoped that his misadventures would not become public knowledge, but he really hadn't expected that to be the case.  He looked at Emmett and firmly said, "I don't have to guess who told you that I was at Woody's since Mikey saw me in the parking lot.  What he probably didn't bother to tell you was that I never went into the building.  After he saw me, I hightailed it out of there and met with my sponsor."  Brian was somewhat disappointed that Emmett felt the need to ask, but on the other hand, he was glad that he had asked so he could find out the truth from the horses' mouth rather than the rumor mill.

Emmett waved his hand over his mouth and hit his chest a few times and said, "Whew.  He had my heart in a whole lot of flutter when I thought you'd changed your mind and started to drink again.  I would have hated to see that happen.  So glad that you are alright honey."  Emmett leaned over and engulfed Brian in a hug.  "Leave it to Michael to not mention that you didn't go into the place.  He made it sound like you were in there shooting pool, drinking, and picking up tricks.  I'm so glad that isn't the case.  I was just rehearsing my speech to you to tell you to march yourself down to the nearest meeting and fix this, but I'm so glad that I didn't have to do that."

Emmett turned toward the waiter behind the counter and placed his order for a cup of coffee to go.  "Now that this little understanding is cleared up, what were you doing at Woody's?"  

As Brian had predicted, Emmett would want an explanation and while he did not feel that he should have to explain to anyone but himself, Justin, and Cleo, he accepted that Emmett wanted to know so he could help Brian. Emmett's Saturday night gig with Gus had been extremely helpful and allowed Brian to attend meetings every day.  While he didn't like the idea that Emmett was asking him, he felt that Emmett was not out of place in asking, especially since Emmett had gone out of his way to support Brian in his journey.

Brian looked around and saw that the other occupants of the diner were busy with their meals and no one was paying any attention to them.  He really didn't like his business talked about and saying anything on Liberty Avenue was like playing telephone when he was in elementary school.  "In a nutshell, I was feeling restless.  I hadn't seen Justin in a few days and missed him."

Emmett listened and nodded at Brian's statement, but looked confused, his eyebrows raised.  "So help me out here.  How is going to Woody's helping you out when you are missing your boyfriend?"

"Got it in one.  That is why I was sitting in the parking lot when Mikey came up.  I was debating with myself if I should go in and if anyone would know I was there if I did.  It wouldn't have helped and as you can see, even though I didn't go in, the fact that I was seen in the parking lot has led people to think that I was going in."  Brian's name was called out by the guy behind the counter and he turned toward the young man and took his food.  

"That'll be $8.00,"  the young man said as Brian was getting out his wallet to pay for his food.  Brian walked to the cash register to pay and gave him his credit card.

"I'm proud of you, Brian.  I know what it's like to find yourself missing someone and wanting to fill that hole.  Thankfully, you didn't go inside.  How are you this morning?"  Emmett said solicitously, wanting to be sure that his friend was okay.

"I'm good.  Justin was feeling the same way and called me late last night.  He wanted to see me too.  He came over."  Brian got a toothy grin on his face as he thought of falling asleep holding Justin as well as having their quickie in the shower this morning.  

Emmett could easily read between the lines regarding what Brian didn't say and what he admitted to.  He was genuinely happy for his friend.  "I'm glad that everything is okay.  You've come so far, Brian and I'm really proud of you.  Now, that that is all clear, I must be on my way.  I have a few appointments this morning."  He grabbed his to-go cup, paid the counterman, and was on his way before Brian could say goodbye.

Brian grabbed his breakfast sandwich and left the diner, heading towards his car and to the office. He was barely at the office door when Ted stuck his head out of his office and greeted Brian.

"Hi, Brian.  You're a little late this morning, not that I'm watching the clock or anything.  Everything okay?"  Ted asked as he followed Brian into his office.

Brian sat at his desk and unwrapped his breakfast sandwich.  "Fine.  Let me take a guess that you talked to Michael this morning,"  Brian said, the irritation in his voice obvious.

Ted wasn't sure if he should sit on the couch in case Brian wanted to really talk or if he should stand.  He decided that standing would be more appropriate unless Brian signaled he wanted to talk.  Ted nodded but didn't say anything.  He waited while Brian took a bite of his sandwich.

Brian waved his hand indicating that Ted should take a seat and Ted cocked his head toward the door questioning if Brian wanted him to close it.  Brian nodded and Ted closed the door before sitting on the couch.

After swallowing,  Brian looked at Ted who was sitting back on the couch as if they were having a casual conversation.  He appreciated the relaxed posture.  "I have no idea what gossip Michael is spreading around, but I will tell you I went to Woody's last night.  That much of his story is true. But what he probably didn't tell you is that I never went into the building.  As soon as he left to go inside, I rolled up my window and called Cleo.  I doubt he told you that part."  Brian took a sip of his coffee and wished that he was holding the cup of coffee from Sweet Pea and that he was still back in his apartment where a certain blond had joined him in a quickie this morning rather than talking to Ted and who knew who else this morning.  He was already tired of defending his actions and the two people who had talked to him were on his side.  He could just imagine the conversations that would occur later if Michael chose to contact Mel and Linds or Debbie.  

"Brian, I'm not jumping down your throat.  I just came in to be sure you were okay.  I know how hard it is to want that first drink.  I know you've been missing Justin.  I actually came in to offer my support,"  Ted said.

Brian ate another bite of his breakfast before saying, "Sorry.  I know you support me and my sobriety. I had a rough day yesterday and well, you know... where I ended up.  I don't relish having to rehash my bad decisions for the rest of today - ad infinitum."

Ted nodded and said, "You know I'm here for you. If you want to talk or rant and rave, I'm here for you.  Been there, done that .... Got the T-shirt.  You don't owe me anything."  Ted debated whether he should get up and return to his office or wait for Brian's dismissal and decided to wait.  

"Yeah.  I guess you would know what it's like to want that first drink.  Justin told me yesterday that he thinks about drinking often.  I had no idea that he still struggled with the alcohol demon." Brian said, sharing some information about their conversation.

Ted nodded and said, "Yeah.  I don't think there is an alcoholic who can say that they haven't struggled with the alcohol demon.  But I think that anyone who is addicted would be hard-pressed to tell you otherwise.  There are people who are addicted to food and I think that addiction would be even more difficult to address as everyone has to eat. I can't imagine having to face my addiction 3 times a day for the rest of my life."  

Brian nodded and said, "I hadn't thought about that one, but I agree. At least I can control my access to alcohol.  I can choose not to go into a bar and can choose to not keep liquor in my house, but if I'd been addicted to food, I couldn't choose to never eat again.  Thanks for the analogy."

"You know that if Mikey told you and Emmett, I'm sure he has told Mel, Linds, and Deb as well. I'm not looking forward to those conversations.  At least, you and Emmett were on my side and offered your support.  I don't exactly think that will happen with the rest of them.  I'm sure that Mel and Linds will try to use it as a reason to keep me away from Gus."

"I'm sorry Brian. I know that I haven't done anything to be sorry for, I just know that it's hard when the people who should be supporting you don't,"  Ted said, thinking of his own journey to sobriety.  "When you offered me this job, it was probably the biggest boost to my sobriety and helped me get my life back on track."

Brian nodded but said, "I needed your skills."

Ted didn't push back on Brian's statement having learned that Brian was not one for accepting compliments easily.  "Just remember that you did nothing wrong and since you didn't go in, you did the right thing.  Even if the demon came knocking for your soul, you kicked him to the curb."

Brian finished his sandwich and wadded up the paper wrapper, throwing it in the trash can.  He looked at the clock on the wall, realizing that he had only about 30 minutes to review the files for his meeting.  "Time to put the alcohol discussion to rest.  I've got a business to run. Thank you."

"Any time, Brian.  Any time.  My door is always open and my phone is always on,'  Ted said as he got up to leave.  He walked over to Brian and gave him a supportive hug, walked to the door, and returned to his office.

Cynthia walked in with his messages, handing him a small stack of notes.  He saw that he had several calls from Lindsay, two calls from Debbie, and a call from Leo Brown.  He looked at his clock again, even though his talk with Ted had only taken 10 minutes, and decided he should have time to call Leo. After calming Leo about the upcoming changes in the print ad, it was time for his meeting.

The meeting went well with the prospective client and he left the client with legal to iron out the contracts.  He returned to his office to find Lindsay sitting on his couch.  He pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head before closing the door and sitting at his desk.

"I should have believed Mel. She said you would start drinking again and it was only a matter of time.  I just came to tell you that I can't in good conscience let you be with Gus if you are drinking."  Lindsay announced, thinking about all the money that she would have access to again, now that Brian was not going to be seeing Gus.  She had missed the money and now was the perfect opportunity to make Brian pay again.

"I can see from the smile on your face that you think coming in here and announcing that I can't see my son is a done deal,"  Brian said in a steely, hard tone.  "I don't have to ask where you got the idea that I was drinking again, but you see, you and Mel have fallen for the Novotny game of half-truths."  Brian took several deep breaths and while he could feel his heart pounding in his chest, he remained calm.  He didn't have anything to hide and had done nothing wrong.  

"Mikey only told you half the story.  Sue, he saw me sitting in the parking lot of Woodys, but what I'm sure he didn't tell you was that I never went inside."  Brian stopped talking to see if his statement would penetrate Lindsay's mind or if she would be so convinced of her plan that she wasn't willing to listen to Brian's explanation. Lindsay's smile lessened, and Brian was pleased to see that she was at least somewhat open to hearing his side of the story.

"After he saw me, I realized that I didn't really want to go inside so  I left, called my sponsor, and met him at a local diner.  You can ask the waitress that served us, the bartender at Woody's,  look at the camera feed from Woody's, or use whatever method you prefer, but the answer will be the same. I did not go into Woody's last night or the night before or any night that they can remember for quite a while.  I don't actually expect that they would remember that I haven't been there in 10 months, but I'm sure my absence has been noted."  Brian watched the smug smile totally disappear from Lindsay's face when she realized the truth.  

"Oh,"  She said, not apologizing for her statement.

"Now, I have a business to run. I will pick up Gus tomorrow after school.  And just in case you have forgotten, Debbie will be watching Gus when I go to the opening of Justin's show. I'm not pawning off my son to hit the bars or pick up tricks.  I'm asking a friend to watch my son for a few hours so that I can support Justin. I suggest you learn to check your facts before you accuse people of things they didn't do.  That's called libel and I won't hesitate to use your words against you if you attempt to keep Gus from me."  Brian stood up and walked to the door, opened it, and waved his hand at Lindsay to leave.

"Cynthia," he said as Lindsay walked toward the glass doors of the suite of offices. "Make a note that in the future if Lindsay or Melanie come to the office, they will need an appointment."

"Will do. I want to remind you that you have that conference call in about 5 minutes."

"Is the conference room set up?" Brian asked.

"All ready and the boards are on the easels," Cynthia said, not paying any attention to Lindsay's open-mouthed gape at Brian's directive.  

"I'll grab a quick coffee and I'll meet the team there.  Thank you,"  Brian said.

Lindsay walked out of the office, angry and disappointed, but she wasn't sure who she wanted to blame for her feelings.  She thought about blaming Mel since she sent her to Brian's office, eager to get back at him and to prove that he hadn't changed.  She thought about blaming Michael since he only told her part of the story and made her appear foolish.  It did not occur to her to blame herself for not believing in Brian.  She was also very aware of how angry Brian was at her thinly veiled threat to keep Gus away.  This new Brian, even though he'd been sober for quite a while, was very formidable and appeared to be willing to fight for his right to see his son.  She would have to figure out a new way to get what she wanted.  She was rehashing Brian's words and remembered he said something about Justin's show. She knew he had a show coming up as Gus had been talking about it for several weeks.  Maybe she could get back in Brian's good graces through Justin. After all, she had a lot of contacts in the art world and any artist would be thrilled to have an introduction to some movers and shakers in the industry.  She was already formulating a plan as she walked to her car.  

TBC

Lindsay

Lindsay left Brian's office with her mind racing in a number of directions.  She was upset that Brian had put her in her place and dashed her dreams of regaining control of Gus and the money that Brian had originally given him.  She was angry at Mel for pushing her to go see Brian.  As a lawyer, she knew that you needed proof before accusing people of things and all they had was Michael's word.  Michael's word, as they all knew, was skewed to benefit what Michael wanted, not necessarily what was the entire truth.  As she left Brian's office, a plan to get on his good side was developing.  Gus had been talking about Justin and his show for several weeks.  She had listened but not really paid a lot of attention as the ramblings of a 10-year-old were often self-centered, especially when it came to her son and his father.  It appeared that Gus worshiped his father and thought the world of Justin.  She had heard his name and knew that he was an up-and-coming artist.  

She drove to her office at the gallery and booted up her computer. She typed Justin Taylor and several results showed up. 

Justin Taylor - Facebook

Justin Taylor is an artist in the Pittsburgh area that works mostly with acrylics.  He does commissions for corporate spaces as well as personal portraits.  His next show will be at the Art for Change fundraiser. 

Justin Taylor, 2023 Safety - Rivals.com

Justin Taylor - 23 Star Safety for Wisconsin on BadgerBlitz

Justin Taylor - Facebook

4073 Likes 1487 Talking about this.  French musician//Soloist & chamber music with @LeConsort//Recording for @AlphaClassics

She then typed in Art For Change

New for 2022, Art for Change will include a number of exclusive galleries curated by well-known artists, including Judy Barie, Madeline Gent, Steve Mendelson, Boom Concepts, and Contemporary Craft. These galleries will include a mix of artists and mediums, which they will select to weave together a story that best represents their own aesthetic experience. In addition to curating their own galleries, these artists, led by Art for Change Committee Chair, Mia Tarducci, will also select an additional 50-75 pieces submitted from our generous and loyal art community that will be juried into the gallery section of the show.  

The show will be on September 9, 2022 at 5:30

She clicked on the entry and read a little about the exhibit.  It didn't mention Justin but since his Facebook page did she thought that maybe she could garner more information from the Persad Center.  She picked up the phone and asked to speak to the owner of Persad Center

"Mr. Talbot's office.  How may I help you?"

"My name is Lindsay Peterson and I was hoping I could get information about the artist Justin Taylor.  His art is being shown tonight for the fundraiser."  Lindsay said, hoping that the person answering the phone would have the information she wanted. Lindsay heard rustling on the other end of the phone.

"Hold for one moment and I'll connect you."

"John Talbot" a man with a deep voice answered.

"My name is Lindsay Peterson and I was hoping you would be able to assist me.  I'm looking for information about the artist who is being showcased for the fundraiser tonight.  Justin Taylor.  I'd like to talk to his agent.  Would you happen to have that contact information?"

"Yes.  His agent is Carol Schwarm.  Lovely woman.  Mr. Taylor is lucky to have her."  John said.  "He's very talented.  Have you seen much of his work?"

"Only a little and I would love to see more.  Carol Schwarm is his agent.  Do you have her contact information, by chance?"  Lindsay asked, hoping that she wouldn't have to spend another hour or two trying to contact her.

"Of course.  Her number is 555-1111.  She's a good friend of mine. Tell her that John Talbot said hello.  Is there anything else I can assist you with?"

"No, I can't wait to see the exhibit.  I'm sure it will be great."

"No doubt.  The opening is tonight and it is a fundraiser but the exhibit will be here for a few weeks.  There are a number of pieces that will be auctioned at the exhibit but they will be on view for a period of time after the show.  It is a spectacular show of art."

"Thank you for your time,"  Lindsay said and hung up the phone.   Lindsay reviewed the notice again and recognized the names of several of the premier artists but the article said there would be up to 75 artists there as well as galleries specifically for some of the known artists.  This might be her chance to get on Brian's good side if she could make some inroads with Justin's career.  Then he would be beholden to her and ... The possibilities were endless.  She could see the dollar signs racking up before she picked up the phone again to call Carol.  She was certain this would be a great day for everyone.

She picked up the phone and dialed the number that John had provided and after telling the secretary her name, she was passed through.

"Carol Shwarm,"  Carol answered.  

"Carol, my name is Lindsay Peterson and I am the exhibit coordinator at the Bloom Gallery. I understand that you represent Justin Taylor.  Is that correct?"

"Bloom Gallery," Carol had heard of the Bloom Gallery, of course, but wasn't sure where the caller was going with this reference.

"Yes.  I've been working in Pittsburgh for a number of years and wanted to offer my assistance to Justin Taylor.  I have a number of connections that I could introduce him to and would love to have a showing of his art at our gallery."  Lindsay explained, hoping that Carol would be interested in her proposition.

"I see.  I understand that the Bloom Gallery is rather small, hosting only a few artists at a time.  Why are you interested in him?"  Carol asked, wondering where this woman came from and why she was contacting her.  While it was not unheard of for a gallery to approach her about showing an artist, usually it happened after a show.  

"Well, I saw that he was exhibiting with the Art for Change project and I'm a big fan of the work they do.  I thought we could discuss a showing of his art at Bloom's.  I'm sure the exposure would be beneficial for his career."

"I'd have to discuss this with Mr. Taylor, but currently he has shows booked until spring of next year.  Mr. Taylor has a great following in several cities as well as an online presence.  I'll talk to him and see if he is interested."

"Next year.  Oh.  I didn't realize that he was..."  Lindsay stopped her sentence and backtracked, not wanting to appear as if she knew nothing about Justin's art or his popularity.  "That would be wonderful.  We always like to support native artists.  I look forward to hearing from you."

Carol noticed that she did not say anything about attending the fundraiser or seeing the current work and found that telling.  She made a plan to talk to Justin about this strange call. "I'll let you know his decision.  I must be going as I have a lot to do for this evening."

Carol hung up and looked at the phone with a curious expression.  She clicked on her computer and typed in Bloom Gallery.  She read the information and shook her head.  She was missing something but today was not the day to follow up with Justin.  The show tonight was a big thing for him.  He had been given 8 slots in one of the hallways to exhibit his work.  For someone who had been painting for only 4 years, that was a big accomplishment.  She doubted Justin would be interested in a small gallery such as  Bloom's but she would discuss it with him.  

After hanging up with Carol, Lindsay looked at the clock and saw that it was already noon.  She had spent her morning hoping to get back at Brian and when that didn't work, trying to get in his good graces by offering to introduce Justin to people in the art world and even offering Bloom gallery for a small show.  This was also futile as his agent explained that he was already booked for the next year.  She wanted to scream and would have if her office was better soundproofed.  As it was, she was no closer to her goal of getting Brian in her good graces and getting back the trust he had in her and as a result, getting the money that he used to provide freely for Gus.    After all, it was money that Gus needed and Brian should be providing more money for his care than just buying clothes and any items that he needed for school and extracurriculars.  She had to find a way to convince Brian that Gus needed more than what Brian could buy him.

Brian

Thankfully Brian did not have any more calls from the "family" and worked all day.  After work, he drove toward his regular meeting recognizing that it was even more important to attend today.  As he was driving he thought about the last 24 hours and how he was again seeing who was important in his life and where his family stood in supporting his sobriety.

First, he thought about sitting in his car at Woody's and seeing Michael. After the conversations with Emmett and Ted, he felt positive about his recovery. They had supported him and had not chastised him even when they weren't certain that he had slipped up.  Lindsay, on the other hand, immediately acted on his supposed slip and was in the wings waiting to hand out his punishment.  The same could be said about Michael.  Michael immediately assumed that Brian had never been in recovery and was just putting on a false picture for everyone.  Brian had known that Michael never accepted that he was an alcoholic and had shown his true thoughts on multiple occasions.  Each negative encounter with Michael had solidified for Brian that Michael had no interest in maintaining their friendship unless it included the activities that Michael wanted to participate in, mainly going to bars, shooting pool, and picking up tricks.  It saddened him that he had spent so many years supporting Michael and protecting him but when it was Brian's turn to garner support, he was not there to provide it. 

He moved on to his discussion with Cleo at the diner and how he praised Brian for using his strategies to avoid drinking.  Brian still struggled with the idea that he was not a failure even though he found himself in front of Woody's contemplating going inside and all that would entail. After the last 24 hours, he was beginning to accept that temptation did not equate with failure, but rather meant that he was aware enough to address his behavior.  

His thoughts bounced to Justin and his surprise visit last night.  He was more than thrilled to have Justin call and show up at his home, even though that meant that he chose to disclose his aborted visit to Woody's.  The support and conversation that Justin offered was great.  And he could not stop smiling when he thought of waking up with Justin in his bed.  He had never thought about inviting him to stay the night, even though they had been spending time together almost every night for the last 10 months.  Last night, it seemed like the right thing to do.  Maybe, he thought, this is what dating and relationships are all about; wanting to spend time with another person because you just want to be with them.  He was still amazed that having Justin wake up in his bed was so pleasurable.  

Then there was the conversation with Emmett who in typical Emmett fashion, was chastising him one minute for falling off the wagon, and then practically in the same breath was all hugs and support when he realized that Brian had not slipped up and started drinking again.  He was thankful for Emmett in his life and wondered why he never realized how loyal he was.

His conversation with Ted was as he expected, supportive and non-judgmental and he was forever thankful that Ted was 100% on his side.

Lastly, his encounter with Lindsay, while not a surprise, was still disappointing in her obvious belief that he was going to slip up and was not serious about changing his life.  And, true to form, she was again trying to use Gus as a pawn to get what she wanted.  He had no doubt that Melanie was behind the visit to his office and that they'd both been hoping to use his struggle as an excuse to turn back time when he was supporting Gus and paying them large quantities of money to do so.  Even if he did slip up, he didn't feel that he would ever agree to return to their previous arrangement of paying for Gus's needs at their whim.  Gus seemed much happier with the current agreement. 

He hoped that Melanie and Lindsay had not spoken about his visit to Woody's last night as he did not want Gus to worry.  However, he knew Mel and Lins pretty well at this juncture and he wouldn't put it past them to have a conversation with him before they had talked to Brian.  He decided he would call him after his meeting tonight.   

He walked into the meeting and sat down in the small circle of chairs.  He did not want to try to drink the potential day-old coffee.  He looked around, not expecting Justin to walk in, but hoping that maybe he would be able to manage an appearance.  Shortly after he sat down, the leader called the group to order. Brian nodded his head, ready to listen and pay attention to the group.  He knew it was important to attend today as it was the first time he'd really contemplated drinking during his recovery.

"Welcome, everyone.  I'm Sam and I'll be your leader tonight.  Today I want to talk about drinking."

A look of confusion rippled through the small group of people, but they all turned toward Sam curious as to the meaning of his statement.

"AA is about recovery, but before we can recover, we have to admit we have a problem."  Sam looked around and saw most of the attendees nodding in agreement.

"Drinking is a progression.  We never start out planning to get drunk.  Well, maybe when we've been drinking for a long time, our intention is to get drunk to numb our feelings. But in the beginning, that isn't our intention.  We drink one or two drinks and find we can handle it and then one or two become three or four or maybe it becomes 2-3 times a week, but eventually, the drinking becomes out of control.  Before we know it, we are drinking again and that was never our intention."  

"I'm Clara,"  a petite woman with brown hair cut in a short bob said.  "I think we all admit we have a problem or we wouldn't be here."  She ran her hand through her short hair and continued.  "However, I get where you're coming from.  Drinking is more than the drink itself.  I mean, if I never have another drink then I won't ever need to worry about starting again."

"I'm Stan,"  said the middle-aged man next to her.  "I was sober for four years and then I thought that I could safely try drinking again.  I thought I had conquered the demons, but I was wrong.  As you said, Sam, it started out with one and then moved to two and three, and then ... well, I think all of you know where that story ends."

A murmur of yeses and headshakes was seen and heard around the small circle.  

"I've been sober for 10 months and I've seen huge changes in myself.  But until a few days ago, I never really thought about the future beyond tomorrow.  I think I knew in the back of my head that I could never drink again, but the reality of that just hit me,"  Brian said.  

Clara said, "Yeah.  I remember the first time it hit me that I could never drink again.  The reality that this was my life forever almost caused me to want to drink again.  I got really depressed and almost slipped up, but I called my sponsor and she helped me sort it out."

"I'm Brian.  So you were depressed when you realized that you could never drink again?"  Brian asked, her words hitting home. 

"Sure.  I mean I had been working the program and doing really well.  I was making amends, figuring out things, and getting my life together, and then bam!"  Carla hit her fist into the other palm.  "I woke up one day and was having a really shitty day and thought about drinking.  I even drove to a bar that was out of the way where no one I knew could see me.  I stayed there, you know.... In the parking lot trying to convince myself that no one would know and then I just started crying."   Carla looked at the people in the circle and saw several nodding heads and all eyes on her.  "I think that was the first time that I actually cried since I got sober."

"You cried,"  said Sam, the question unspoken.

"Yeah, I broke down and cried like a baby, but it was really cathartic.  I cried for all the people I hurt and I cried for the person I used to be.  Sort of like burying the dead.  I think at that moment, I finally realized that my life was changed forever and that sobriety was permanent.  I think that was when I realized that I could never go back to drinking."

"Exactly," Sam said.  "It takes our brains a while to realize that drinking is off the table forever, not just for a few weeks or a few months.  When we walk into an AA group, we are often at our lowest and realize that something has to change.  If we are successful, we stop drinking and we don't go back to drinking.  But sometimes, we slip up, we fool ourselves into thinking one drink won't make a difference, and no one will know.  But if we are honest with ourselves and accept we have a problem and the only way to stay sober is not to have a drink, then we can do amazing things."

"But being sober isn't the thing that makes us change,"  Brian said, contributing to the discussion.  "For me, stopping drinking made me realize that I didn't like the life I had.  I had to figure out what I wanted in life and then make changes to get there.  For me, the drinking was an avoidance tactic.  Drinking allowed me to not face my life.  Now that I'm sober, I have a track or rather I have personal goals.  I know that I won't realize those goals if I'm consumed by thinking about my next drink.  Being sober really frees me up to live the life I want."  

"And are you living the life you want?"  Carla asked.

"I think so.  It's very different from the life I had before I quit drinking but it is something that I look forward to every day.  So yeah.  I'm living the life I want and I want to continue working toward everything that will make it great."  Brian smiled as he thought of Justin's impromptu sleepover the night before and realized that he would like to have that happen more often.  

"Thanks for the lively discussion tonight.  But our time is up.  Coffee is available at the back of the room and we'll see you next week,"  Sam said.  

Brian had been attending AA for 10 months and at this point saw many familiar faces at each meeting.  He still attended a different meeting each night as the only meetings that met in the same place each night were attached to a recovery program.  Blake had offered to have him attend his regular groups despite him not working in his program, but he declined.  He still did not want anyone watching his progress or hearing about his slip-ups, even though he knew that confidentiality was assured.  He said good night to a few of the people he recognized and walked to his car.  As he drove home, he missed Justin's presence and their new habit of cooking dinner and eating together each night after their meetings.  It was still early, just after 7:00 and he had the whole night in front of him.

He knew he would not go back to Woody's even if no one knew he went. Tonight's meeting solidified his thoughts on that first drink and he appreciated knowing that other people still struggled with the same problem.  

He had been so busy at work that all he'd eaten for lunch was an apple and his stomach growled at him letting him know that it was not satisfied with the meager amount of food that he ate.  He had a little leftover chicken that he and Justin had cooked earlier in the week and decided that would have to suffice.

He drove home and was surprised to see Justin's car sitting in the garage.  He excitedly opened the door and walked over to the car, knocking on the window of the driver's seat.

"What are you doing here?  I thought I wouldn't see you until tomorrow,"  Brian asked as Justin opened the car and stepped out.

"I just got done with everything and it was too late to get to the meeting but I hoped you'd be coming home and I could catch you here.  I didn't want to wait until tomorrow night to see you,'  Justin said, as he reached up and pulled Brian in for a kiss.  Brian opened his mouth to return the kiss and wrapped his arms around Justin, pulling him close to his body.  

After several minutes, Justin pulled away and said, "Let's not give the neighbors a show."

Brian laughed and said, "Sure."  He locked his car and they took the elevator to the Loft.  

Brian said, "I haven't eaten dinner.  I was going to heat up the chicken that we made earlier in the week."

"Sounds good.  I think I was given a sandwich at lunchtime but I don't remember if I ate it or not.  I think I might have taken a few bites and then placed it somewhere.  Real food is always a welcome addition."  Justin went into the kitchen, opened the fridge, and looked for something they could quickly make to accompany the chicken.  There were some leftover potatoes and some broccoli that needed to be cooked.  He got out the saucepan to cook the broccoli and placed the potatoes on a plate to heat them in the microwave.  After Brian reheated the chicken in the toaster oven, the potatoes and broccoli were done and they plated their food, taking it to the dining room table.

"I'm so glad that you got finished early.  I was not looking forward to spending the evening alone.  In fact, since you are here, what do you say to a repeat of last night?  Want to sleep over again?"  Brian said as he sat down at the table.

Justin smiled and said, "Sure.  I'd like that. I like waking up beside you."  

Neither man mentioned the sleeping arrangements again and when it was time for bed, Brian mentioned that the toothbrush was still there for Justin to use. When they were in bed, Justin was exhausted and lay down on his side and Brian wrapped his arm around him, enjoying the feel of him nestled in his arms.  Brian wanted to do more, but before he could start his exploration, he heard the soft snores coming from Justin.  He could admit that he was disappointed but realized that he was actually okay with falling asleep holding Justin.  

In the morning, Justin joined Brian in the shower again.  As Brian was soaping Justin, he said, "Molly and I will be at the show about 7:00.  I promised to take her to an early dinner and she agreed.  I can't wait to see your new pieces."

"That's right, you are Molly's beard for the night.  I guess that means that you'll have to take her home after the show before joining me at the after-hours party,'  Justin said as he took the bar of soap and started lathering it up to soap up Brian.

"After-hours party?  I figured you would be busy with your agent and patrons and I wouldn't see you until sometime tomorrow,"  Brian said as he turned around to rinse the soap.

"I will be busy for a while, but I hate the idea of not seeing you again.  After an opening I have so much adrenaline coursing through my body, I need more than a few hours to unwind.  There is always an after-opening party and you could be my +1.  I'm sure Molly won't mind if you take her home a little early."  Justin turned around and rinsed all the soap from his body as well.

"I would love to attend, but I have to pick up Gus.  After the opening, I'll take Molly home and then swing by Debbie's to grab Gus.  After my almost slip-up at Woody's the other night, I can't afford to give Lindsay any ammunition.  I'll have to take a rain check." Brian turned off the water and grabbed a towel from the warming rack, rubbing it over his body.  He handed Justin another towel and Justin started to dry his body as well.  

Justin leaned over and gave Brian a quick kiss on the lips.  "I forgot about Gus. I'll try to keep the after-hours party short. Would it be okay if I came over after the party?"  Justin asked, hoping Brian would say yes.

"I'd like that, but I don't know about you spending the night again.  It's different when Gus is here."  Brian said.  "I know he's used to us being together, but I'll need to talk to him about it.  I don't want him waking up and you're there. Mind you, I don't need Gus' permission for you to sleep over, but..."

"Do you want me to wait and just come in the morning?" Justin asked, a little disappointed, but understanding Brian's hesitancy. 

"No.  I'd love for you to come by after the party.  It should still be pretty early.  I'm selfish.  I want to see you as much as possible,"  Brian said as he hung up the towel and walked toward the bedroom.  

Justin hung up his towel and followed Brian into the bedroom, gathering his clothing and dressing.  Today, the clothes were not strewn over the entire room and were much easier to locate. As he dressed he thought of Brian's comment.  What would Gus' reaction be?  He thought it would be fine but kids could be weird sometimes. 

Brian glanced at Justin and asked,  "I see you thinking over there.  Care to share?"

"I was thinking of your comment about Gus.  I remember how disappointed Gus was when you and I had our misunderstanding.  I think he'd be fine with me sleeping over, but I understand why you want to tell him about it.  It can get really awkward when kids are involved."

"I'm not really worried about Gus and his reaction.  I think he won't be a problem.  Now his mothers.... Well, I'm sure they will have an opinion about everything.  I can just hear it now.  ‘But Brian, what happens if you and Justin don't work out?  Gus will be crushed.'  Blah blah blah." 

Brian pushed the hangars in his closet until he located the suit he wanted to wear today.  He took the pants off the hangar and put them on.  "Lindsay was in my office within hours of Michael letting everyone know about me showing up at Woody's.  She already had her plan in place about not letting me see Gus and that I should allow her and Melanie to purchase Gus' things.  You could see the wheels turning when she thought I had slipped up."  Brian located the white shirt he wanted to wear and put it on and then chose a red tie to accompany the suit.  As he tied his tie, he said, "I'm sure she already has a scheme in place the minute she hears anything that can get her what she wants.  I wouldn't put it past her to try and use our relationship for her gain as well."

"She works in a gallery, doesn't she?  I think the first time we met she said something about it,"  Justin said, sitting on the bed and watching Brian dress.  The man was beautiful, with or without clothing and he never tired of looking at him. 

"Yes.  She wanted to be an artist but didn't have the talent.  She's good at what she does, working in the gallery,"  Brian said as he gave himself one last look in the mirror. 

"Maybe, I could get on her good side by introducing her to some people.  I know a lot of artists and my agent would probably be willing to talk to her about showing some of the work of the people she represents.  That might get her in your good graces,"  Justin said, offering to use his contacts to smooth things over for Brian.  It would be a win-win situation if Lindsay received some professional gain from Brian's personal life.

Brian walked toward the kitchen and looked at the clock on the microwave.  "Normally, I'd make a guava juice smoothie, but someone distracted me this morning.  I guess I'll stop by the diner and grab some breakfast.  Besides, I usually try to get to the office early on Fridays since I leave for a noon meeting and then pick up Gus from school."

"I have to stop by the gallery and be sure that the art is set up like it's supposed to be, go to the cleaners and pick up my jacket, and I have some pieces that I need to work on before the opening tonight.  I have several commissions that are due by the end of the month and time never seems to be on my side when it comes to painting when I'm getting ready for a show."

"It sounds like we both have busy days."  Brian leaned down to give Justin a kiss on the lips. It was quick and neither man lingered.  "I'll see you tonight.  Have a great day."

Brian set the alarm and they walked out of the building together.  Brian went to work and Justin walked toward his car.  He needed to go home and change and grab something to eat as well.  After eating, he spent a few hours in his studio and then drove to the gallery. Since it didn't open till 11:00, he had planned on working earlier in the day.  This also hopefully prevented him from getting lost in the creative process and not completing the things he needed to do today.  On his way to the gallery,  his phone rang and he saw that Carol was calling.  He answered.

"Carol.  I'm excited about tonight.  I painted this morning for a few hours to work on the two commissions that I have.  I should have them finished by next week.  I'm already working on the pieces for the show in November.  I have completed 10 of the pieces and the ideas for the other 10.  I can't get over how quickly my art is being recognized.  I owe you a huge thank you."

"You're the talent, Justin.  I'm just the conduit.  I'm calling as I received a strange phone call yesterday.  The woman said she worked for Bloom Gallery and was inquiring about a small show for you.  She seemed to think that she was offering you a big break by offering a show.  It was like she didn't know anything about your work and well, it was just odd."  Carol said as she looked at her notes regarding the phone call.

"Did she say her name, by any chance?"  Justin asked.

"Yes.  Lindsay Peterson,"  Carol said. 

"Lindsay.  I know her.  This doesn't surprise me,"  Justin said.

"You know her?"

"She does work at a gallery, but I don't know her from there.  She is Brian's son's mother."

"Brian, as in the guy you are dating, Brian?"  Carol asked.  This was getting stranger and stranger.

"One and the same.  If I were to hazard a guess, she probably thinks that by calling you and offering a show, she is doing me a favor.  And doing me a favor will get her on Brian's good side.  I'm not interested in a show at Bloom's gallery.  I have enough on my plate and I don't want to play those games.  If she calls back, just tell her I'm not interested."

"Will do.  I told her that I would share the information with you but that you wouldn't probably be interested,"  Carol said, crossing off the name on her paper.  

"She is giving Brian a hard time about a lot of things and I don't want to be a part of her games.  Thanks for telling me.  I'll see you tonight."  Justin hung up the phone and pulled into the gallery.  It was almost noon and the staff should be putting the final touches on the art for tonight's fundraiser.  He hoped to only be there for a short time and then finish up his errands.  

He looked around the gallery and made a few comments about lighting and left about 15 minutes later.  He was close to the community center where Brian typically attended his Friday noon meeting.  It was already 12:40, but if he timed it right, he could catch him on his way out.  It would be a nice surprise for both of them.  

He pulled into the parking lot of the building and recognized Brian's car.  He looked at his dashboard and saw that it was already 12:55, 5 minutes before the meeting let out.  He sat in his car waiting for Brian.  When Brian walked out of the building, he got out of his car and walked to Brian's car.  Brian was not looking at his car until he saw Justin standing by it.  His smile widened and he quickened his pace.

"You're too late for the meeting,"  he said, gently teasing Justin.

"Who has time to drink?  I've got a list of things to do in the next three hours and there is just no time for drinking, even if I wanted to,"  Justin said, keeping up their familiar banter.

"Good to know.  Being drunk at a charity show where your work is on display is probably not on the recommended list of ways to get recognized.  Not that I'm not thrilled with the surprise, but why are you here?"  Brian asked.

"Well, I was in the neighborhood and saw the time.  I was hoping to catch you before you went back to the office,"  Justin admitted with a shy smile.  

"Anything wrong?" Brian asked, looking more closely at Justin to see if he appeared distressed.

"Nope.  Everything is great.  Just FYI, I got a call from Carol, my agent, a little while ago.  She said she got a call from Lindsay, about showing my work.  Carol told her that I was booked until next year and she also said it was a really strange call since it appeared that at first Lindsay thought she'd be doing me a favor by offering to show my work at her gallery.  Carol said that typically when a gallery contacts an agent about an artist, the gallery knows a lot more about the artist than Lindsay appeared to know about you."

Brian laughed.  "Sounds like Lindsay.  She probably was trying to get back in my good graces after her soundless accusations yesterday.  In her twisted mind, she thinks that if she does something for you, I will be grateful that she helped your career and helped you get a break.  She has no idea that you are pretty successful and that you don't need her kind of help.  Maybe if she had met you a few years ago, but at this point in time, you are climbing fast."

"Yes.  You're probably right, but I just wanted to let you know.  I've only met her one time and she seemed okay."

"Looks can be deceiving.  I have Lindsay to thank for asking me to be the sperm donor for Gus.  He's one of the best things that have happened in my life, but I doubt if I would have provided my junk had it not been Lindsay.  We have a love/hate relationship and lately, it is more on the hate side."  Brian ran his hand through his hair and said, "Enough about Lindsay.  Got time to grab a quick bite or do you have to check off more boxes on your long list of things to do?"

Justin looked at his watch and said, "There's a diner around the corner.  I could be persuaded to grab a quick burger."

"Burger for you and turkey sandwich for me.  That works.  I can't spend too long as I too have a list of tasks to complete before I leave for the weekend.  At this rate, I may end up taking a few things home to work on over the weekend."  Brian said as he got in his car after getting directions from Justin.

They arrived at the diner and were seated immediately as it was after the lunch rush.  They waved the waitress to their table and gave their order since they both knew what they wanted.  The waitress brought two glasses of water and poured them two cups of coffee.  While they waited for their food, Brian said,  "I remember the first time we went for coffee after a meeting.  You took me to some little coffee shop and we talked about the merits of coffee.  Look at us now, we have come so far,"  Brian said, even though he was not one for nostalgia.

"I'd say so.  From coffee to dinner, to dinner parties, and now to sex and sleepovers.  Not bad for two recovering alcoholics.  You're coming to my show tonight - for the second time, I must add.  And I spend almost every weekend with you and see you almost every day.  Our lives have changed a lot in the last 10 months,"  Justin listed the many ways that they were involved in each other's lives.  

"That is an impressive list.  I'd say that we were pretty entwined in each other's lives,"  Brian said.  He reached out to Justin's hand and squeezed it.  "I'm pretty happy with my life.  How about you?"

"Very happy and I feel that it is just getting better,"  Justin said as the waitress brought them their food.

"I've been thinking about our conversation this morning,"  Brian said as Justin took a bite of his hamburger.  Brian thought it looked good, but he didn't eat burgers very often.  

Justin nodded as he chewed his burger.  

"I would like you to come over after your party and I would like you to spend the night.  I'll have plenty of time to talk to Gus when I pick him up this afternoon.  I really enjoyed waking up with you in my bed and I think Gus will be fine with it.  And if not, well, I guess I'll have to convince him it is a good thing,"  Brian said.  

Justin's heart soared when he heard Brian's statement.  "Are you sure?  I mean..."

"Justin.  We've been doing this for 10 months, as you said.  It's not like you are some new guy that I just met.  You've spent almost every weekend with Gus and you helped me build his bed.  You've taught him about photography and you've helped him gain an appreciation of artistic things, something I point out that his mother has never been able to manage.  I can't see any reason that he wouldn't be excited about you and me moving things to the next level,"  Brian explained and picked up his sandwich to take a bite.

Justin grinned and reached over to Brian and picked up his hand.  "This is corny, but I'm really excited about us."  He brought his hand to his mouth and gave it a small kiss, and then laid it back on the table.  

Brian grinned and said, "Me too."

They finished their respective lunches, asked for the check, and were gone their separate ways less than 30 minutes later; Brian went back to his office for a few short hours and Justin picked up his suit and got ready for the evening.

TBC

Chapter 17
"Justin.  We've been doing this for 10 months, as you said.  It's not like you are some new guy that I just met.  You've spent almost every weekend with Gus and you helped me build his bed.  You've taught him about photography and you've helped him gain an appreciation of artistic things, something I point out that his mother has never been able to manage.  I can't see any reason that he wouldn't be excited about you and me moving things to the next level,"  Brian explained and picked up his sandwich to take a bite.
Justin grinned and reached over to Brian and picked up his hand.  "This is corny, but I'm really excited about us."  He brought his hand to his mouth and gave it a small kiss, and then laid it back on the table.  
 Brian grinned and said, "Me too."


Chapter 18 
They finished their respective lunches, asked for the check, and were gone their separate ways less than 30 minutes later; Brian went back to his office for a few short hours and Justin picked up his suit and got ready for the evening.

Brian returned to the office and was met by Ted.  "Hey, boss.  I have the new numbers for the third quarter and the projections for the last quarter of the year.  Do you want to go over the numbers now or next week?  I know you have to leave early to pick up Gus."
Brian had a large smile on his face and he didn't think anything could bring down his good mood at this point in time.  He said, " Sure.  Come on in and we'll review them.  I've got time to at least get started."
When Ted sat down he took a moment to look at Brian and said, " You look especially happy today.  Did you win the lottery or something?"
"No, I didn't win the lottery, but I feel like my life is moving forward."
Ted raised his eyebrow and gestured with his palms up to signal that he wanted Brian to elaborate on his statement. The sun shone through the large picture window, illuminating the room.
"No, lottery but I think I'm finally understanding what it means to date,"  Brian said, answering Ted but still leaving out some of the key pieces. Brian picked up a coaster on the glass table in front of him and twirled it in his hand.  
"Dating?  I thought you and Justin were dating.  Did I miss something?"  Ted asked, confused at Brian's statement.  Ted looked around the office, everything neat and orderly, and thought about Brian's sentence.  Dating was fun and exciting; a thrill when it was new.  He could understand how dating could be dangerous in early recovery.  
"No, I'm still dating Justin, but I finally understand what everybody was trying to tell me.  Dating is more than going out and doing activities together, it is wanting the person to be a part of your life and to want to share what is going on every day,'  Brian tried to put into words what he was experiencing.
"Okay,"  Ted said, still a little question in his tone.  "And how did you come to this realization?"
"Do you remember a couple of days ago I ended up at Woody's as I was really restless?"
"I may be old Brian but I do remember what happened a few days ago," teased Ted.  
"Well I didn't share the whole story,"  Brian said, not trying to be obtuse but also a little hesitant about sharing his latest update.
"What didn't you tell me?  I mean, you don't owe me any explanation but it sounds like you have something you want to add."
"I didn't tell you what happened after I left the diner and Cleo.  On my way home, Justin called and said he was on his way over to surprise me.  Said he missed me too."
Ted nodded his head in understanding and said, "And...  I hear that there is more to this tale than he came over."
"You are good at this,"  Brian said, stalling a little bit longer.  "Yeah, he came over and we talked, but when we finished talking, I asked him to stay over."
"That's big, Brian.  Especially knowing that you don't let tricks stay over.  I've heard enough rants from you in the years that I've known you that this is a pretty hard and fast rule.  But Justin isn't a trick; he's someone you are dating."  As soon as Ted said the word dating, a light bulb went off in his mind.  "So, this is what you mean by saying that you finally understand what dating is all about.  I'm not going to ask for specifics, your sex life is something I'd rather not contemplate, but I take it from your good mood that it went really well."
Brian enjoyed talking to Ted, appreciating his light touch and lack of prying.  His friendship was supportive and genuine and he did not feel that he was ever owed anything from Brian.  He knew that sharing this information with Ted would not result in ribbing or the second-degree interrogation he would receive from others.
"He stayed the next night too and he's planning on coming over after the show tonight.  He asked me to join him at the after-hours party, but I have to pick up Gus from Debbie's.  He has to make an appearance since he is one of the contributing artists, but he said he could stay there for a while, maybe an hour or so, and then leave.  But tonight I have Gus and it won't be just the two of us."
Ted listened and heard the hesitation in Brian's voice.  "Are you worried about what Gus will think? I take it from our conversation Justin has never spent the night before."
"Bingo, you are definitely on the ball today, Ted.  Part of me thinks Gus will be fine with Justin sleeping over.  It's not like we're going to have sex."  Brian said.
Ted tried to keep his face neutral but wasn't 100% successful in his attempt. 
Brian said, "Justin tried unsuccessfully to keep his feelings under wraps, but we all know how that ended.  We've messed around a bit, hand jobs and a few blow jobs... I remember the first night we met, I tried to get him to go to the bathroom so he could blow me and he flat-out refused.  He made it very clear that sex was not on the table and if I insisted that he would leave.  There was something about him, even then that I agreed with.  And as a person who's been there, done that, you know that relationships are genuinely frowned upon in early recovery."  Brian said, even though he knew that Ted understood exactly what he was referring to.  
"Ted, I see the questions on your face.  It's a good thing you don't play poker.  I've never been shy about my sexual activities, but I'm different now.  Let me rephrase that sentence.  We've not had penetration and honestly, I'm fine with that.  I find kissing, touching, and mutual hand or blow jobs just fine at that moment.  Either way, I'm not going to do any of those things in front of Gus.  If and when those occur, it will be behind closed doors."
"Brian, you do not owe me an explanation of your behaviors.  I'm really proud of you.  To go from as much sex as you engaged in while you were drinking to the level that you have now must have been a huge adjustment. But back to Gus.  It sounds like you have some concerns about Justin staying over with Gus there too."
Brian nodded in agreement.  He put the coaster that he's been fidgeting with down and swirled it on the table.  "He adores Justin and when Justin isn't there, he's always asking about him.  I'm not really concerned about Gus, but more about him saying something to Lindsay.  She's just looking for any excuse to stop me from seeing Gus.  I'm sure if she learned that Justin spent the night, she would try to use the information to her advantage. I can hear her now, 'It's not good for Gus to see me with Justin.  What would happen if we broke up?  It's not a good example to be parading my tricks in front of my son.  Etc etc etc.'  " Brian shook his head as he heard each and every one of Lindsay's statements in his head.
"Brian, you've got the law on your side.  That is why you talked to the lawyer and had Gus' DNA taken.  Unless you were having sex in the living room and having Gus watch, drinking, and driving with him in the car or some other dangerous or detrimental activity, no judge would take away your rights to him."
"You think so?  I feel like I always have to be extra vigilant since Melanie is looking for any excuse to keep me from him."  Brian said, the obvious fear coming through in his words."
"I'm not a lawyer, but I do really believe that.  Maybe, I've watched too much tv.  But it's not like it's a gay thing.  You know, a judge granting one parent sole custody when the other parent turns out gay.  All three of you are gay, so that shouldn't be an issue.  And, as you told me what the lawyer said, according to Pennsylvania law you are mandated to provide his support, regardless of marriage, sexuality, etc.  Biology rules."
Brian nodded in agreement as he listened to Ted.  "I guess you're right.  I wish you were available at 2 in the morning when I'm thinking about this shit.  It would sure help to hear your voice of reason."
"Brian, you can call any time.  Even at 2 in the morning.  I'm always here for you.,"  Ted said and reached out to give him a supportive hug.  Brian hugged him back, appreciating the physical support.
"You know, before I became sober, I never really appreciated the power of touch.  Thanks," Brian said as he pulled away from the embrace.
"Now, we've spent enough time on my dating life, I do have a business to run,"  Brian said as he pointed to the reports that were laying on the table.  
Ted picked up the reports and they reviewed the information for about an hour.
Brian's phone beeped and he said, "That's my cue to wrap things up.  I need to pick up Gus.  I guess all my speculation will end when I tell him that Justin is coming over tonight."
Ted stood up, gathered the papers, and said, "I'm sure he'll be fine with it.  And remember, Brian, you can call my phone any hour of the day or night and I'll be there for you."
"Thanks, Ted.  Have a good weekend."  Brian shut down his computer and put a few files in his briefcase.  He didn't expect he'd have a lot of time to work but maybe he'd have some time between putting Gus to bed and Justin arriving after the party.  He said good night to Cynthia and went to his car, placing his briefcase in the back seat.
He drove to Gus' school and sat in the carpool line to pick him up.  As he waited, he thought about all the changes he's made in his life in the last 10 months and marveled at the person he was today.  Wrapping his car around that tree was the best thing that ever happened to him.  Soon, it was his turn to be in front of the school and the aid recognized him, calling out for Gus.  Gus ran to the car and put his backpack in the back seat, joining Brian's briefcase.  
"Dad, I can't wait for the weekend.  I know Justin's got his show tonight and I'm going to Grandma Debbie's, but what have we got planned for the rest of the weekend? Can we go to the zoo?  It shouldn't be too hot.  Can we go to those gardens where he showed me how to take pictures?  Are we going to eat at the diner?  And, by the way, my pants are getting really short.  Can we go shopping for new ones sometime this weekend, too?   Is Justin going to join us?  Now that his show has started, he should have more time.  I've really missed him."
Brian drove through the pickup circle and onto the street, smiling as he listened to Gus's litany of questions and enthusiasm for spending time with Justin.  His fears were quickly disappearing. 
"Slow down, Sonny boy.  One question at a time.  I'm not sure what we will do this weekend, but I'm fairly certain Justin will join us.  Speaking of Justin, what would you think if he stayed overnight?"  Brian wasn't sure how he was going to ask Gus about his plans, but to his surprise, that is what came out.
"That would be really cool.  Then we could go to breakfast and start the day really early.  I know you like spending time with him and it made you really sad when he couldn't come to hang out with us.  Do you think he would want to do that?"  Gus said, his enthusiasm easily heard in his voice.  
He looked at his father and asked,  "Dad, does that mean you guys are together?  Carlos said when his dad started dating his stepmom that he knew it was serious when she started spending the night.  Are you and Justin going to get married like Mom and Momma?"    He thought for a few minutes before adding.  "That would be so cool, I'd have two moms and two dads."  He smiled so wide that it lit his entire face.
"Woah, Sonny Boy. You better slow down.  I just asked what you would think if Justin spent the night.  I didn't say anything about getting married.  I haven't even thought about what I'm doing next week.  I'm taking things one day at a time.  But I'm glad to hear that you're okay with him spending the night."  Brian drove toward the mall since Gus had mentioned needing new pants.  He hated shopping in stores like American Eagle or Hollister but Armani didn't exactly make children's clothing.  At least he wasn't shopping at Walmart or the Big Q.  
"We can't spend a lot of time shopping today, but we can grab some new pants and maybe a few shirts for you before I have to drop you off at Debbie's.  She'll feed you dinner and  I should be there to pick you up before 10:00."  Brian parked the car and locked it before they walked into the mall.  
Bran cringed every time he shopped in the commercial space, something he found ironic since it was his job that pushed people to these types of stores, convincing them that they needed the latest shirt or pair of pants in order for their life to be complete.  He knew it was utter bullshit, but it made his clients happy and it made him a lot of money.  He decided that he was also a product of someone's advertising as he bought into the idea that he needed the latest season of clothing from the prestigious men's wear collections of Armani and Prada. 
"Sure Dad, I'll make it quick.  Do I have to try the stuff on or are we going to just buy the next size up?"  Gus asked as he made his way toward the preteen boy's section.
Brian sighed heavily as he realized that Gus had a point. "Better try it on.  I don't want to have to come back again if the stuff doesn't fit."  Brian walked toward a rack of pants and looked for Gus' size.  He did not pay any attention to the cost or to the sign advertising the latest sale.
"Dad, these are on clearance.  Do you want me to look here?  Momma always said we have to watch our pennies."  Gus said as he pointed to several turnstiles of clearance items.
"Gus, I'm not interested in finding a bargain and I really don't care how much it costs.  If you find something you like, you can try it on and if it fits we buy it.  We don't have all day to shop.  We need to get in and out quickly.  I have to get home and shower and get ready for the show.  I'm picking up Justin's sister and we're going to dinner before the opening."
"Oh, that's right.  You're taking her on a fake date. Is she like Justin?  Do you think she'd like to join us on one of our outings or do you think she is boring?"  Gus asked, curious about Justin's family.  He'd never thought about Justin having a family and now he was curious.
"She's nice and funny and she likes Justin's art.  She supports her brother and I think that is the most important thing about her.  I can ask Justin if he'd mind Molly joining us some time,"  Brian said, thinking it might be interesting to get to know her a little better and see how she and Justin interact.  He seemed to like his sister and was pleased that she attended his shows.  
Gus grabbed a few pairs of jeans off the rack and Brian had also chosen 3 pairs and two shirts.  "Let's take these to the dressing room.  I think you can only have 5 things at a time.  I guess they are protecting their assets, but why someone would want to steal this stuff is beyond me,"  Brian said as he walked with Gus to the dressing room and the attendant waved them in.  Brian hung up the items on the hook on the wall and left the dressing room so Gus could have some privacy in trying on the items.  "Come out so I can see the clothes,"  Brian said as he walked out of the dressing area.  There was no place to really wait but Brian moved to the side of the doorway as he waited for Gus to come out.  
Gus walked out wearing a pair of relaxed blue jeans and Brian gave him a thumbs-up.  He had also put on a short sleeve graphic T and when he pointed to it, Brian shrugged.  He understood that Gus was still a kid, and that he needed to wear age-appropriate clothes, but he still cringed at T-shirts.  
Gus went back into the dressing room and tried on a pair of slim-fit jeans and a different T. When he went out, Brian shook his head, no.  "I like the other pair better.  We'll get a few pairs of those.  Didn't you have some sports stuff too?"
"Yes.  I saved those for last."
He tried some joggers on and long shorts and Brian nodded in agreement. "Let's grab three pairs of joggers, 4 pairs of shorts, and 4 pairs of jeans.  You can pick out your favorite three T's too,"  Brian said as he looked at the clock by the dressing room.  
Gus changed quickly and handed Brian the clothes.  Brian checked out and they walked to the car and drove toward Debbie's.  
"Dad, you asked about Justin staying the night?  Are you going to ask him to stay or was this something for the future?"  Gus asked, hoping that it was something his dad was planning on doing.  He'd been thinking about it the entire time he was trying on clothes, imagining him, Justin, and his Dad as a little family.  Justin was cool and so was his Dad. Way better than his moms. His Dad cut right to the chase and didn't play any games with him.  He knew exactly where he stood with him.  He had rules just like his moms but his dad's rules made sense.  Also, he was pretty sure that his Dad would talk to Justin about meeting his sister.  He was really curious about her.
"I already asked him but wanted your thoughts on the idea.  If you were against it, I would have told him that he couldn't come,"  Brian said, realizing that he never finished their earlier discussion having focused on checking off one of the chores for the weekend, i.e. shopping.  
"You mean if I said I didn't want him to spend the night you wouldn't have told him no?"  Gus asked, surprised at his father's statement.  "I mean Dad it is your life, not mine.  The moms are always telling me that they have the final say in what I do,"  Gus said, sharing some of his mom's parenting ideas.
"I'm not your moms.  It's a little different with me, Gus.  I don't see you all the time, only on weekends.  If you weren't comfortable with Justin spending the night when you were there, I could always have him spend the night when you weren't there.  I have choices.  But I wanted you to be comfortable when you come to visit me.  That is why I asked,"  Brian explained his thought process to Gus, feeling that he should have a say in the matter at hand.  
"Got it. I like Justin and I think it's cool that you want him to spend the night.  Like I said if he spent the night we wouldn't have to wait to start our day until he got there. So is coming over after his show tonight?  Can I stay up till he comes over?  I want to say hi and give him a hug."  
"Yes, he is coming over and no, you cannot stay up until he gets there.  It may be very late, midnight or later. You can give him a big hug tomorrow,"  Brian said.
"But if he isn't coming over till midnight, he'll just be coming over to sleep.  I thought he'd come over to spend time with you?"  Gus asked, way more observant than Brian had thought he would be.  
Brian did not want to explain to Gus about wanting to have Justin in his bed when he woke up.  This was going too deep into the physical side of their relationship and Gus was only 10.  He probably had no idea what sex was.  
"He is coming over to spend time with me, Gus.  It's nice to have someone you like to sleep with. Your moms sleep together and they enjoy that.  It's the same kind of thing,"   Brian explained, trying to keep it simple and the sexuality portion out of the conversation.
"Like hugging someone all night.  I like hugs and I guess that would be kind of nice to have someone hug you while you sleep,"  Gus commented. 
Brian was relieved that Gus had accepted his explanation.  He knew that this reprieve would not last for too much longer.  He remembered learning about sex when was about 11 and Gus would be 11 in just a few months.  He didn't relish the idea of having that discussion with his mothers about teaching Gus about sex.  He hoped that they would leave it to him to teach about this all-important topic as they tended to be naive and blind when it came to certain areas, and sex was definitely one of them.  While he didn't relish the sex talk, he thought that Justin and his emerging relationship might be the perfect time to discuss these changes with his son.
"Exactly,"  Brian said as he pulled into Debbie's driveway.  "We're here.  Leave your packages in the car and I'll take them home."  He got out of the car and walked with Gus to the front door.
Debbie opened the door immediately, enveloping Gus in a big hug.  "We're going to have such fun tonight.  I've got cookie dough all ready for us to make cookies and then we can watch Master Chef Junior.   Maybe we can come up with some things to make."
"Cool.  I love cooking with Auntie Emm,"  Gus said as he went off to the kitchen to investigate the cookie dough.
"Thanks again, Deb.  I should be here between 9:00 and 10:00 to pick him up."
"Brian, I love you but I gotta ask...."  Deb said as she looked to make sure that Gus was nowhere in hearing distance.   "Michael said he saw you at Woody's the other night.  Are you okay?"  
Brian cringed when she started talking, knowing that the conversation was likely to be about his unexpected visit to Woody's.  He was pleased that she asked and didn't just jump to her own conclusions.
"Yeah, I'm good.  I'm not even going to ask where you heard that piece of information since Michael was the one who saw me and based on the phone calls and unsolicited visits that I've had in the last few days, I don't have to guess what he told people.  Yes, I went there, but no I didn't go into the building.  I realized that it was a mistake and high-tailed it out of the parking lot.  I'm fine and I have no intention of making that mistake again.  I've worked too hard and too long to go back to the life I had while I was drinking."
Deb engulfed him in a hug and said, "I'm proud of you.  Just ignore Michael.  He is not a person you need to be hanging out with, despite the fact that he is my son.  I never thought I'd say this, but this time, he is in the wrong."
Brian was amazed at Debbie's words and hugged her back.  He didn't want to discuss the situation as he was done defending himself.  "Thank you for believing in me,"  he said softly and enjoyed her warm and comforting hug.  "I have to go, Ma.  Don't give Sonny boy too many ideas about cooking.  He and Emmett can cook all they like, but I'm still mastering basic chicken."  
"No thanking me, Brian.  I love watching Gus.  You have a good time at the show.  I'm so proud of you.  The old Brian would have never considered going to an event like this.  I only met Justin one time, but he seemed like a wonderful person.  In my book, anyone that can get you to stay sober and reinvent your life has a star by their name. 
Brian let go of Debbie and called out,  "Sonny boy,"
Gus came out of the kitchen. "Yeah, Dad,"
 "I'll see you later tonight. Don't try out too many new recipes,"  he teased.  
"Bye Dad. Grandma, can we bake the cookies now so we can eat them after dinner?"  Gus said as he watched his father turn around and walk out the door."
"Let's start dinner first and then we can work on the cookies,"  Debbie said.
"Okay,"  Gus agreed and followed her into the kitchen.


Brian
Brian went home and quickly showered and dressed for the show.  He thought about his afternoon with Gus and the conversations with him as well as Debbie.  He smiled as he thought about their comments.  Gus' first thought had been that he wanted Justin around since he was fun and Debbie had told him she was proud of him.  The biggest surprise was that she had told him to ignore Michael.  He didn't think that would ever happen, but maybe she was changing too.  He was excited to tell Justin about Gus' seal of approval.
He drove to Molly's home and went to the door to walk her to the car.  
"It's a shame that you're gay and like my brother.  I wish all men had your manners,"  She said as she got in the car.  "Maybe, it's just easier since you aren't plotting how you can make a move on me and get me in your bed,"  Molly remarked as she got in and did her seatbelt up.
"I can't say that I totally understand as I never had any difficulty getting a man into my bed.  That is until I met your brother.  The first day we met, he turned me down.  Some silly excuse about wanting to be my sponsor did not include becoming another notch on my bedpost.  Not that I was counting,"  Brian said, tongue in cheek.
Molly looked at Brian.  He was a very attractive man; his brown hair cut trimly, his suit fit him as if it was tailored to his body in order to accent every feature. He was fit, well dressed, and she enjoyed his no holds barred attitude. "Was that suit tailored for you?"  She asked, recognizing good quality.  "Who's your tailor? I should encourage Justin to meet him.  While he dresses well enough, I think he could come across even better with a custom-tailored suit."  
"Yes, my suits are all tailored to accent my build.  I've only seen Justin in a suit on one other occasion, the other show that I attended and I'm fairly certain I was not looking at his suit.  I'll have to take a look tonight.  But of course, I'm not there to look at the man, but rather his work,"  Brian said as he wondered what Justin's latest work would be like.
"I remember that night.  I thought you were trying to pick me up.  I was very glad that wasn't the case.  I do enjoy a good dinner companion who isn't trying to get in my pants,"  Molly said.  " By the way, where are we going for dinner?  While I would love to savor some good food and good conversation, the show opens to the public at 6:30 and I'd like to be there by 7:00."
"We're headed to Eddie V's Prime Seafood. The food is delicious and the service is first-class.  While I prefer to go at a proper dinner hour, 5:30 will just have to suffice tonight.  We might not make it by 7:00, but I think 7:30 is more likely.  Still, the show doesn't end until 9:30, so I think we should have sufficient time.  Of course, if you would like we could go somewhere else."
Molly thought for a few moments and said, Eddie V's is a treat but maybe a different time.  It usually takes at least 2 hours to eat there and I really don't want to arrive that late to the gala.  What about Zarra's?  Italian is always quick and usually good."
Brian nodded and said, "Zarra's it is.  I'm sure I can find some chicken or steak dish there."  Brian put the car in drive and headed toward the restaurant.
"You don't like Italian?  We could go somewhere else,"  Molly said as she watched Brian.
"No Italian is fine, I just try and stay away from carbs but there is always chicken and steak available.  Besides, we are not the ones going on a date.  We're here to support your brother,"  Brian said.  
"Speaking of my brother.... Are you guys officially dating now?  I mean he tells me that you guys spend a lot of time together.  Sounds like a little more than friends,"  Molly asked, hoping for an inside scoop on their relationship. She looked at Brian who developed a slight red blush on his throat and face.
"Oh my!  You are officially dating.  That is so awesome.  Let me tell you that you are the best guy he has ever dated.  He's dated some real losers in the past.  I'm sure getting sober helped a lot.  But I can officially tell you that you have my 100% seal of approval."  
Brian laughed.  "Good to know that you gave us your seal of approval.  I'm sure your brother would be pleased,"  he said tongue in cheek.  "Honestly, I'm glad you approve of our relationship.  As my son would say, ‘it would suck if you didn't like me.' "  
"Has Justin met your son?"  Molly asked, curious about how much Brian had shared with Justin about his personal life.
Brian shook his head a second, pretending to make sure he heard her correctly.  "Of course, he's met, Gus.  He's spent a lot of time with Gus.  In fact, he practically spends all weekend with the two of us.  Gus and Justin came up with a master list of all the great and wonderful things to do in Pittsburgh and we are slowly going through the list.  Did you know there is a bicycle museum in Pittsburgh?  We went there.  We've gone to the zoo, the park and to the Science Center.  Justin has taught Gus how to photograph things.  Your brother is quite the artist, not just a painter,"  Brian said, bragging a little bit about the amount of time Justin and Gus spend together and the things that they have listed to do.
"That's pretty cool.  I mean Justin was always good with kids.  I don't know if he wants any of his own, but kids seem to flock to him,"  Molly said, throwing the comment about kids into the conversation.
"We're here.  I'll park the car and we can walk in unless you want me to drop you at the door?"  Brian asked.
"No, it doesn't look too crowded so we can walk in together.  At least we can pretend to be on a date,"  Molly said.
They walked in and were seated fairly quickly.  After ordering, they talked about the gala tonight and Molly shared that she was going on a small vacation with her girlfriends.  She was excited to spend a long weekend hanging out with them.  Their food arrived quickly and they continued their light banter as they ate.  If Brian were interested in dating, he would have found Molly a great companion.  After dinner, Brian paid for the meal and they made their way to the gala.
There were a number of people walking into the venue and Brian took that as a good sign.  "The parking lot looks packed.  I know Justin's work is only a small portion of the gala tonight but he will definitely have a lot of people looking at it,"  Brian commented as he drove up and down several isles looking for a place to park.
"He is really excited about tonight.  His agent said there were going to be a lot of important people here and if his work is noticed, it could mean a solo show,"  Molly said as she grabbed her purse off the back seat.  "Every time I go to one of his shows, it seems that he is getting more praise and notice.  His agent seems to be doing a great job."
They showed their tickets at the door and were let inside the gallery.  There were at least 100 people milling around in the front of the gallery and as Brian glanced down a few isles saw that they were also packed.  "I don't see Justin anywhere, but I'm sure if we start to view the art, we will eventually run into him,"  Brian said as he took Molly by the elbow and led her down a corridor.  They stopped at each piece and gave their opinion of it and then moved on until they completed the first corridor.  
"It really is a very eclectic show.  Justin said he has four pieces here tonight.  I think that is impressive as most of the artists only have one.  That is if this corridor is any indication of the rest of the gallery,"  Molly commented as they turned right to view more artistic work.  
They had viewed three hallways.  The gallery was a series of short hallways that led to larger rooms.  Whoever designed the space maximized the walls and Brian and Molly both commented on the layout of the gallery. At the beginning of the fourth corridor, they saw Justin talking to a small group of people. They weren't going to interrupt him so they waited until the group walked away before approaching him.
When he saw Brian and Molly he reached out both arms to give each of them a hug.  "There are so many people here tonight.  The gala is going really well.  "I have talked to people nonstop since the doors opened.  My throat is getting dry,"  Justin said as he fingered his throat.
"I'll go find a waiter and see if I can get you some water,"  Molly offered, giving Brian and Justin a chance to be alone.  
"That would be great,'  Justin said, smiling at his sister. 
When she had stepped away, Brian said, "I had a chance to talk to Gus after I picked him up this afternoon.  He's all for you spending the night.  He asked if he could stay up and give you a hug.  His first reaction was excitement that we wouldn't have to wait for you to get to the loft on Saturday morning."
Justin smiled and said, "Well, what did you tell him?"
"I told him he couldn't stay up as it would be late. Then he asks if it was so late why were you coming over if we were just going to sleep." Brian smiled thinking of spending the night with Justin.  He was ready for the gala to be over so they could sleep together.
"Oh,"  Justin said, raising his eyebrows.
"Yeah.  Then I explained that it was nice to have someone give you a hug while you slept.  He seemed to accept that for now.  He'll be 11 in a few months.  I don't think he will accept that we are only hugging at night for very long,"  Brian said as he spotted Molly coming with a flute of water.
"Sorry, it took so long.  I had to ask someone for water since the waiters are all serving wine," she explained.
"That is fine,"  Justin said, taking the flute and drinking all of it at once.  
Brian looked around for the first time and saw four paintings with JT signed in the corner.  He had already started to recognize Justin's style and stepped up to the first one to study it.  Molly also stepped up the painting to view it in more detail.
"These are beautiful, Justin.  Does the sticker mean that it is already sold?  Because if it is not sold, I want to buy the one with the pinks, reds, and purples.  It would go great in my living room,"  Molly said as she pointed to the painting.
"Sorry, sis.  The sticker does mean it is sold.  But if you really want something with those colors, I can paint you something,"  Justin said.  
"No, I'll not have you giving me your work.  I'll just have to get to your next show earlier.  Speaking of shows, have you had any bites from galleries?  You said Carol thought you might have an opportunity to get some offers tonight?"  Molly asked, hoping that her brother was getting the attention he deserved.
Justin smiled very wide and said, "Yes.  I've already talked to three gallery owners tonight.  One wants a really large piece for an upcoming show and the other two want to talk to me about solo shows.  I'm so excited and the night isn't over yet,"  Justin said.
"That's great,"  Brian said as he stopped his urge to hug and kiss Justin congratulations.  "Well, I see your adoring public is headed your way.  I'll take Molly and keep the vultures at bay while we explore the rest of the artwork.  We'll stop back by after a bit."  Brian took Molly by the elbow again and led Molly toward the next corridor.
"I'm so proud of him,"  Molly said as they explored the next corridor.  "He's worked so hard for this."  
Brian and Molly spent the next hour and a half looking at the pieces on display and then returned to the corridor where Justin was talking with a patron about his art.  "....And that is how I came to paint this piece,"  he finished explaining and smiled when he spotted Molly and Brian.  
The patron soon left and Molly and Brian took their place in front of Justin's work.  "So what did you think of the art?"  Justin asked.
"Your's is by far the best,"  Brian said.
"Brian.  There are some amazing artists showing tonight.  I'm not nearly as good as they are,"  Justin said, chastising Brian.
"Ah, but you're wrong.  I only know one artist and I can have my opinion.  As you're always telling Gus, ‘art is a personal experience' I personally like your art the best.  What do you think, Molly?" Brian asked, putting Molly on the spot, but also teasing her."I agree.  Maybe, it's because I know the artist.  But I really like your stuff, Justin." She reached out and gave him a hug.  Looking around she saw the crowd was thinning and it was getting late.  "I guess it is time for us to go, Brian.  I think you said something about picking up your son."
Brian nodded and said, "Yes.  I do need to pick up Gus.  I know he'll want to grill me about the show, even though he really doesn't know about an art show.  I promised him we would come to see the work next weekend when the crowds died down."
Justin leaned over and gave Brian a quick hug, whispering in his ear.  "I'll try to be quick.  I'll meet you later."  Justin broke from the hug and gave Brian a big smile.
Molly and Brian left the gala and Brian drove Molly home.  On the drive, Molly asked Brian, "We were talking earlier about you dating Justin. Even though you didn't spend much time with him tonight, I could see the two of you are good together.  He seems really happy and I just wanted to let you know that I approve."
Brian smiled, " I approve too, but I'm pleased that I have the Molly Taylor seal of approval.  I'll have to let Justin know."  Brian drove onto Molly's street and parked the car in her driveway.  He got out, opened her door, and walked her to the door.
"It really is a shame that you are gay. You're such a gentleman.  I wish you could teach straight guys how to take a woman out,"  She leaned over and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek.  "Thank you for a lovely evening. You were talking about how your son and Justin get along.  I would love to meet him sometime.  I bet he's a real charmer."  Molly commented.
"I bet he would like that.  I'll talk to Justin and set something up."  Brian said and then walked back to his car and drove to pick up Gus.
When he got to Debbie's he knocked on the door and Gus answered.  "Dad, how was the show?  Were there lots of people there?  Did Justin sell a lot of pictures?  Did you enjoy your fake date?"
"Gus, let your father come in the door.  It's hot outside and I'm sure he can answer all your questions from the comfort of the air-conditioned living room," Deb said as he sat on the sofa and clicked off the tv.  "Brian, how was the gala?"
Brian shook his head.  "It was fine.  There were lots of people and Justin sold all of his paintings.  I'm glad that you'll have a chance to see the art, Gus.  I think you'll find a lot of it really good."  He turned toward Deb and said, "Thanks again for watching him.  Come on, Gus.  We have to get home."
"When is Justin going to get there?"  Gus asked, hoping it might be soon and he would get a chance to see him.
"Justin's coming over?  Hmmm,"  Debbie said, as Brian saw the wheels turning in her head.
"Yes, Justin is coming over after the party with the other participants.  And if you must know, not that it is any of your business, but he is staying the night."  Brian said.  He didn't really want any speculation on Debbie's part as to Justin's or his intentions and thought if he just admitted that he was spending the night, it might nip any curiosities in the bud.
Debbie smiled and said, "I'm proud of you, Brian.  I never thought I'd see the day when you allowed someone to spend the night,"  Debbie said, keeping her comments to a G rating.  
Brian smiled back at her and said, "Come on, Gus.  We really need to get home."
"Bye Grandma. Thanks for making cookies.  See ya."  He and Brian walked to the car.
As Gus got into the car, he buckled his seat belt and waited for his dad to start the car.  Once they were on the main street he asked, " Dad, what did grandma mean about allowing someone to spend the night? I spend the night all the time?"
Brian glanced at Gus.  He was torn between being evasive and telling him it was late and they would talk later and answering him.  He knew that his past would come back to haunt him one day, but he didn't expect it to be Gus asking at 10:00 o'clock at night.  He thought about what he wanted to say and was silent for a bit as he started to answer.      

"Dad, what did grandma mean about allowing someone to spend the night? I spend the night all the time?"

Brian wasn't surprised that Gus asked the question but wished that he hadn't paid attention to her comment.  He never believed in lying to Gus and didn't want to start now.

"Of course, you spend the night all the time, but you're my son. Having Justin spend the night... well."  Brian struggled to put his words into appropriate language for a 10-year-old.  Lindsay was already after his balls for stopping by Woody's, even though he did not go in.  She would absolutely have a fit if she thought Gus was going to be witness to him and Justin sleeping together.

"Dad, I know you guys kiss and stuff.  I'm not a little kid."

"No, you're not a little kid, but you're not an adult either.  Let's just say that having Justin spend the night is an adult thing and not something that Debbie ever thought she would see from me."

"But Dad, you've been an adult for a long time.  Haven't you ever had other guys spend the night?"  Gus asked innocently, not realizing that Brian was trying his best to not throw his sex life into the spotlight of his son.

"No.  Not really.  Remember when you asked if I was dating Justin?"

"Yes.  And you really didn't give me an answer.  So does Justin spending the night mean you are dating?  That would be really cool, Dad.  I like Justin and if you two are dating, he'd be around even more.  Carlos said his stepmom started spending the night, that he knew it was serious. Are you two going to get married like Mom and Momma?  I'd have two dads and two moms."  Gus put out his hand for Brian to high-five him but Brian did not return the gesture.

"If you must put a label on it, then I guess you could say that we are dating.  But no one has talked about marriage or anything like that.  I have to get used to the idea that I'm actually dating,"  Brian said in response to Gus, listening to his answer as he wondered what gave Gus the idea of marriage. "Gus, I'm new to this dating thing.  Grandma Debbie just made a comment that she thought it was a grown-up thing for me to have Justin spend the night."  Brian hoped that Gus would drop the subject.  He was not about to explain to a 10-year-old that he liked waking up to Justin in his bed and was surprised when he'd asked Justin to spend the night several nights ago. He was slowly but surely coming around to the idea that dating was something he enjoyed or at least dating Justin.  

Gus yawned widely and tried to hide behind his hand but was unsuccessful.  "Sonny boy, I think we've talked enough about overnight guests.  It's late and when we get home you need to get ready for bed."

"But Dad, I was hoping to stay up to say hi to Justin,"  Gus whined and frowned.

"Gus, he will be here in the morning when you wake up and you can say hi to him then.  I know he was excited to spend the day with us. But if you don't go to bed, you'll be cranky in the morning and I don't think Justin will want to put up with a cranky kid,"  Brian said with a firm voice.  

Gus recognized that he could not win this argument and therefore said, "Okay, Dad.  I can't wait to see Justin in the morning."  

The remainder of the short ride was silent as each person thought about the upcoming weekend.  Brian was looking forward to having Justin in his bed for a third night in a row and Gus was excited and was already planning their weekend, mentally going through the list they had made many months ago.  

It was almost 10:30 when Gus went to bed and he was asleep within minutes of his head hitting his pillow.  Since the show didn't end until 10:00, Brian didn't expect Justin for at least another few hours.  He knew he had to stay until the last patron left and then had to attend an after-hours party for at least a little while. And since transporters still did not exist, he would have to drive a half hour before getting to Brian's home.  He wouldn't get there until at least midnight.  Brian was excited about Justin coming over.  He hadn't written in his journal for a few days so thought this was an excellent opportunity to do so.

Sitting at his desk with his special pen, he opened his journal and read his last entry ended.

Justin is different.  He wants to know what is going on in my life, whether it directly applies to him or not.  He told me that was due to wanting to know me better and caring about what happened to me.  I hate that I haven't talked to him or had any real substantive conversation in four days and based on his text last night, I probably won't talk to him until after the show on Friday.   While my ideal solution would be to whisk him away for the remainder of the weekend when the world would be far removed, I know that is unrealistic.  I will see him at the show and offer my support, but while I would love to go home with him after the show, I'll wait not so patiently for his invitation to let me know that he is up to hanging out.  I remember what it is like to have a large campaign go live.  The hours leading up to it are so busy and you don't feel that there are enough hours in the day to get everything that needs to be done.  Once the launch is done, your adrenaline that has been coursing through your body at 100 times its normal rate finally gives out and you crash.  I will try to remember that this is a big show for him and be patient if he's not available until next week.  Next week will suck, but that should give me time to think about what I really want in life.  I want more than to be successful at Kinnetik.

That had only been a few days ago, but so much had happened in those three days. Picking up his pen he started to write.

I've learned a lot in the last few days.  Reading my last entry I now recognize that I need to let Justin know how I feel and even more important, I need to acknowledge how I feel, even if the feelings are uncomfortable.  I'd love to push the whole Woody's parking lot episode under the rug and pretend it never happened, but doing that would mean that I had not done the right thing.  While going to Woody's may have been a bad idea, I realized it before I did anything to jeopardize my sobriety.  I called Cleo and he helped me realize that my thoughts and feelings were okay.  Another great takeaway was realizing that Justin still thinks about drinking and that he has demons that he has to keep at bay.  I never realized that he still struggled with his desire to drink.  I don't know why that made me feel better, but it did.  I mean why would someone's struggles make me feel better about my own?  That seems really shallow, but it is the truth.  Knowing that both Cleo and Justin still struggle with a desire to drink, made me realize that I didn't have to be ashamed or upset when I struggled with the same thoughts.  

But the Woody's incident also resulted in Justin spending the night.  When I learned that he wanted to see me and was missing me as much as I missed him, it opened up a part of me that I didn't realize I was keeping closed.  I'd never considered asking a trick to spend the night and in fact, always found it distasteful to wake up to a stranger in my bed.  But Justin is not a stranger and I found waking up to him wonderful.  I hadn't planned on asking him and I have no idea if he'd ever thought about it, but it just seemed natural to ask. We were both missing each other and while sleeping together isn't quite the same as spending time when we are both awake, there is something even more intimate about being together when you are asleep and at your most vulnerable. 

On to Gus.  Gus poses a little different problem.  He adores Justin but I still felt I needed to ask him his thoughts about Justin spending the night.  Of course, he was all for Justin being here, but now he's asking about marriage and Justin being his other Dad.  Of course, I told him that I was only talking about spending the night, not marriage, but I have to admit it got me thinking.  No, I'm not anywhere near thinking of getting down on one knee and asking Justin to be my blushing bride.  That is totally ludicrous.  But it did get me thinking about us, me and Justin.  We are dating.  I think I'm finally okay with that definition, but where does it go from here?  I still feel like a teenager when it comes to all this dating stuff and I know that teens are not ready for long-term relationships.  But what about me?  Do I want a long-term relationship?  Do I want it with Justin?  What would that mean?  What would that look like?  Am I ready for it?  I mean ready as being mature enough but also is my sobriety at a point where I can feel confident about a long-term relationship?

I never thought I would date.  I never thought I would want someone sharing my bed.  Yet, I'm doing both of those things and they make me happy.  Being sober has literally changed my life and now I want goals beyond seeing Kinnetic successful.  If that was my goal in life, I already reached it and I'm just over 40.  I need some new goals.  I'm sober and I want to stay that way.  Goal number 1.  I want to continue building my relationship with Gus. Goal number 2.  I want to continue my relationship with Justin.  Goal number 3.  I guess this stream-of-consciousness writing has its pluses.  I just wrote that I want to continue my relationship with Justin.  Hmm.  Does that mean marriage?  I'm not sure about marriage.  My parents were married and they were miserable.  I'm not sure I want marriage but a commitment to Justin, sure I could see that.  I think Justin wants that too. He's told me that a number of times but I think maybe I'm finally understanding what that means.  More importantly, I'm realizing that relationships are not a bad thing.  I always scoffed at people who wanted to get married, especially after seeing my parent's sham of a marriage.  I think I would like the idea of waking up to Justin's face every morning.  Tonight will be the third night he's spent the night.  Three is the charm, right?

But will the novelty wear off?  Will I want my quiet and resent him being there?  Will he even want to do that? I'm sure Justin's had relationships before, he's kind of hinted at that, but what went wrong?  Am I relationship material?  I think I'm getting way ahead of myself.  Hell, we've only been together two nights and tonight will be the third time.  Why am I even contemplating relationships when I am just now agreeing that we're dating?  

I guess Gus' questions got me thinking.  But he's 10 and while I don't think he's drunk the kool aid when it comes to marriage, all he sees is how cool it would be to have two moms and two dads.  Also, I think he likes the idea that Justin will be around, and maybe to him, that means marriage.  After all, his moms are married and Ted and Blake are married.  I don't think I'll go down that road at this point.  His opinion regarding Justin's place in our lives is positive. He likes Justin.  Anything further is a bonus. 

Brian put down his pen and read his entry.  He picked it up again and added.

Whatever may come of Justin and my relationship, I'm forever grateful for his support and friendship and for believing in me. 

He closed the journal and placed it on the shelf.  He put his pen away and went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water.  Looking at the clock on the microwave he saw it was close to midnight and he hoped Justin would arrive soon.  He allowed his excitement to course through his body as he thought of their bodies together.  As he sat down, he heard the buzzer and Justin announce that it was him.  He buzzed him up and waited at the door while the elevator made its way to the third floor. When Justin got off the elevator, Brian engulfed him in a hug and then waved his hand to welcome him inside.  

Once inside, the small satchel Justin was carrying was unceremoniously dropped at the doorstep as they kissed while standing in front of the door. The kiss was slow, not desperate, and enjoyed by both men.  Justin pulled away first and said, "I'm thirsty.  I'm going to grab a water." Brian followed him into the kitchen.

Justin untwisted the cap and gulped over half the bottle.  "Painting is the easy part.  It's all the talking at shows that is a pain. Everyone wants to know what I was thinking when I painted a piece or why I chose specific colors or any number of bizarre questions.  At least with your work, the message is clear, ‘buy me' and you will be so much better," Justin said, tongue in cheek.

"Are you disparaging my work?" Brian asked, playing along with the banter.

"No.  Just commenting on the people who attend art shows.  I wish there was some good way to sell my work without being in the spotlight. But, it does pay the bills and I sold everything that I painted, so there is that,"  Justin said as he finished the bottle of water.

"Do you really hate it that much?"  Brian asked, surprised at Justin's comments.

"No, not really.  It is actually fun to talk about my work.  I just find it exhausting to attend openings.  In one part of my brain, I realize that people are there to see the art, not the artist.  But in another part, I always feel that I'm on display and if the patrons don't like what they see in me, then my art will not sell."

Brian did not really know how to respond to Justin's comments but he thought that Justin was not really wanting an answer but an opportunity to blow off steam.

"I can tell you that I'm interested in you.  I'm happy that the show went well and you sold everything.  But I'm selfish.  I've missed seeing you while you put the final touches on the show.  Now that the opening has finished, I'm hoping I can see you more often,"  Brian said as he waved his hand toward the bedroom.  "I assume that the satchel you brought had clothing and toiletries for the weekend.  Why don't you grab it and join me in the bedroom?  I have a feeling that Gus will be bouncing in pretty early.  He was not a happy camper when I told him he had to wait till tomorrow to see you,"  Brian said as he walked toward the living room to set the alarm and close up the loft.

Justin grabbed his satchel and they walked to the bedroom.  "Where should I put this?" Justin asked as he held up the bag.

"Over there,"  Brian pointed to a corner by the bathroom.  "You can put your toothbrush and things in the bathroom."  Brian thought how natural it was to have Justin placing personal items in his home.  

Justin quickly gathered his toiletries and placed them in the bathroom. While he was there, he brushed his teeth and got ready for bed.  Brian watched him complete his nightly ritual.  On the previous nights Justin had stayed, he had used Brian's toiletries as they had been spontaneous.  While it was a new experience to be sharing the space with someone, it didn't feel awkward.  When Justin was finished, Brian took his turn in the bathroom and then joined Justin in bed.

Brian turned toward Justin to gather him in his arms and began kissing him. Justin returned the kiss but Brian could feel him drifting off in his arms.  Brian kissed his temple and wrapped an arm around his waist, pulled him close and they drifted off to sleep.

In the morning, Gus woke up and immediately ran to Brian's room, bounding in and pouncing on the bed.  "Justin, I missed you. Dad, can we go to the diner for breakfast?  They have the best pancakes and then we can go somewhere fun.  We could go to the kid museum.  Tommy told me his dad took him there and there is a cool area for big kids where you can do all sorts of experiments.  Or Justin can show me more about photography.  You said I could go see Justin's art.  You know, the place you went last night."  Gus leaned down to give his dad a hug and then sat down between the two men. 

Justin laughed and asked, "Is he always so excited in the morning?  It usually takes me at least 30 minutes before I can even form a sentence."

Brian said, "I warned you.  He was super excited about you staying the night and was disappointed that he couldn't stay awake."  Turning towards Gus, he asked, "Okay, you've listed 3 things you wanted to do and you know we can't do them all.  Going to the diner for breakfast is doable, but think about what else you want to do today.  Keep in mind that Emmett will be coming over later to hang out and cook with you.  You have to practice for your next dinner party,"  he teased, drawing out the word dinner party to make it sound very formal.

"Oh yeah.  That is next weekend.  I almost forgot. Did you invite everyone, Dad?"

"Absolutely.  I would not want to be accused of sabotaging your dinner,"  Brian said.

"Hey, Justin.  Do you think Molly would like to come?  I mean, Dad has taken her on a couple of fake dates.  I asked Dad that maybe we could invite her to join us sometime in our adventures,"  Gus asked, hoping that Justin would agree and excited that maybe he would get to meet the infamous Molly.

Justin shrugged and said, "Oh.  If it's okay with your dad, I guess you could invite her?" Justin looked at Brian for affirmation of his answer.  He had never thought of including Molly in their outings but evidently, Gus had.  He wanted to make sure it was okay with Brian before having Gus reach out to her.

"It's Gus' party.  I just agreed to offer my home."

"Cool.  Can you call her and ask her, Justin."  Gus asked, eager to add her to the list of guests.

Justin glanced at the clock and shook his head.  "Not at the moment.  It is way too early to call Molly on a Saturday.  She's like me, doesn't get out of bed until at least 10:00 o'clock."

Gus looked at the clock and frowned.  "But it's 8:00 now and your up?"

"That's because some little boy named Gus was eager to see me and plan our weekend."  Justin reached out and tickled Gus on his side.

Gus' laughter filled the bedroom and Brian thought it was the most wonderful sound.  While he loved hearing Justin's moans of pleasure as they shared each other's bodies, the sound of a happy Gus resulted in a warm feeling coursing through Brian's body.  He joined Justin and started tickling Gus as well.  Soon Gus was trying to return the tickling and the three of them were laughing.  After a few minutes, Brian pulled back and said, "Gus, why don't you go get dressed?  Justin and I will join you in a few minutes.  Then we'll go to the diner for breakfast.  We can talk at breakfast about the rest of our day."

Gus smiled wide, his face filled with happiness.  "See you in a few minutes.  I'm starving, so hurry up."  He bounced off the bed, leaving the two men alone for a few minutes.

"I guess we don't have any time for a morning blow job?"  Brian asked, knowing the answer before he posed the question.

"Seems unlikely,"  Justin said as he got out of bed.  "Did you know about Molly?  I mean that was a real surprise."

"He mentioned something about meeting her when I asked him about you staying the night, so it wasn't totally out of left field,"  Brian said as he headed to the bathroom.

Justin joined him and started his morning routine.  He turned on the shower and waited till it heated to the right temperature.  "Going to join me?  We can conserve water?"

Brian laughed.  I'm not so sure about conserving water, but I think if I joined you, we might take more than the few minutes that Gus allotted to us.  I'll take a rain check.  Maybe tonight, after Gus goes to bed," Brian said, admiring Justin's naked body, his porcelain skin, and his slightly muscular physique. 

Justin nodded and stepped in the shower to quickly shower.  Brian took care of his morning routine while Justin finished up and then he too took a quick shower.  They dressed and joined Gus who was looking at their list of things to do.  

"Dad.  Can we go on a boat ride and then maybe to the kid's museum?  Remember we color-coded the list with dots to show the stuff that was close to each other.  These are both blue,"  Gus explained.  He had no idea where things were located in Pittsburgh so they had spent a few hours coding the list for everybody's benefit. 

Brian looked at Justin for his input.  "I think we could probably do both of those today.  What do you think, Justin?"

"Sounds good.  Gus grab your phone so we can take pictures on the river.  Taking pictures while you are moving is really fun but can be a challenge,"  Justin said.

Gus brought his phone out of his room and the three of them left for the diner.  After breakfast, they went to the kid's museum where Gus got a ticket for the older kid's exploration area.  He spent a good hour there and then was ready to ride the boat.  On the boat, Justin pointed out several landmarks to photograph and showed him some tricks to take pictures when the boat was moving.  Since the boat wasn't going very fast, it was pretty easy to adjust to the movement.  It was close to 3:30 when they finished the boat ride and then headed back to the loft.  

"Dad, I had a great time today.  I forgot to ask Molly about the dinner.  Do you think we could call her now?  She should be up now,"  he grinned as he thought about their earlier conversation. 

Brian looked at Justin for confirmation and he nodded.  Brian got out his phone and found Molly's number and hit the number.  She answered after a few rings.

"Hi, Brian.  I know you're not calling for a date.  What do I owe your call?" Molly asked, surprised to hear from the man.

"Hi, Molly.  Remember we were talking about my son last night at dinner?  Well, it seems that everyone is on the same page.  He would like to talk to you."  Brian said as he handed the phone to Gus.

"Hi.  I'm Gus."  He looked at his father to get the approval of his words.  

"Hi Gus, I'm Molly."

"I'm cooking dinner on Friday night for all my family and I wanted to invite you to come.  Justin and Dad will be there.  You know them so you won't feel weird,"  Gus said, as he spoke into the phone.

"Oh.  A home-cooked meal.  I think that would be fun.  And you're going to cook.  What are you making?"  Molly asked, surprised and pleased to be asked.  She was excited to meet the little boy that played a huge role in Brian's sobriety and had her brother giving up his weekends. "What time should I get there and where do I go?"

Gus looked at his father for guidance.  "Give her the address, Sonny Boy. And tell her what time, you know the answers,"  Brian said, encouraging Gus.

Gus gave her the address and told her to get there at about 5:30. 

"See you on Friday.  And thank you, Gus.  I look forward to it.  Can I talk to your Dad for a minute?" Molly asked.

Gus gave the phone back to Brian.  "She wants to talk to you."

"Hi, Molly,"  Brian said.

"Thanks for the invite.  It will be fun to meet your son.  I assume Justin is invited?"

"It's Gus' idea.  And of course, Justin will be there.  He was the first person Gus invited.  See you on Friday,"  Brian said and hung up the phone.

"Done, Sonny Boy.  So now you have 1 more person to cook for.  Aren't you and Emmett going to do a trial run tonight?"

"Yes.  That reminds me, I need to get the recipe out of my backpack.  I promised him I would get all the ingredients out before he arrives."  Gus left to go to his room and then after locating the recipe went to the kitchen to gather the ingredients.  

Justin watched Gus as he raced to his room and laughed.  "I had fun today.  I love spending time with you guys and now that the gala is over I feel like I can breathe for a minute.  Mind you, an artist can never stop.  It's not like the deadline was met and then I'm free for a few months until the next show.  I'm always creating, but it seems like I always have to take a break after a show to recharge for a few days before starting up again,"   Justin said, explaining how he was feeling after a typical show.  

Brian nodded in agreement.  "I get it.  I feel the same way after a launch but I'm constantly chasing a new account or expanding the ones I have.  I don't have the luxury of stopping after each launch,"  Brian said, knowing that Justin would understand his comment.  

Before they could continue their conversation, the buzzer rang, announcing Emmet's arrival  Brian buzzed him up and Emmett put down the bag of fresh greens that he was carrying.  "I passed a little farmer's market this morning when I was out and they had the most yummy-looking greens.  I just had to pick them up for dinner today.  "You are joining us for dinner, aren't you Justin?"  he asked the blonde man standing next to Brian.

"Of course.  Gus told us he will be practicing for next week's dinner and I can't wait to be the guinea pig," Justin said, smiling." Besides,  he asked my sister to join the group and I have to make sure you guys don't poison her,"  he added tongue in cheek.

"Your sister?  I didn't know you had a sister....And how does he know your sister?"  Emmett asked, finding that little tidbit very interesting.

"Well, he doesn't know her exactly, but Brian took her to my show last night.  Long story, they met at the first show that Brian went to and when she realized that he was not trying to pick her up, she readily agreed to accompany her around the show.  They have a gentlemen's agreement to be each other's date for any future shows they attend,"  Justin was explaining the arrangement to Emmett.

Before he could continue, Gus barreled into the room and added, "And now dad takes her on fake dates so other guys won't bother her.  But really, it would be better if Dad took Justin on real dates."  Gus looked at Brian and added, "So Dad, does Justin sleeping here make it a date?"  

Emmett immediately raised his eyebrows at Gus' question, but before Brian answered Gus, he looked at Emmett and said, "Not a word, Honeycutt.  Not a single word.  And yes, Justin has spent the last three nights here."  Brian turned toward Justin and added, "I think we better get moving. AA doesn't wait for people to arrive," and with that statement, they were gone.   

Emmett's first inclination was to grill Gus on this latest installment of the Brian/Justin drama but he knew that his curiosity would have to wait.  Brian would not appreciate his questions, especially those directed toward Gus.  While Emmett knew that Brian trusted him, he also knew that it was not his place to interfere with or question Brian's relationship with Justin.  He had thought on more than one occasion that there was something more than sponsorship or even friendship between the two men but had never questioned Brian.

"Alright Gus, it's time to practice our culinary skills.  Tonight is our practice run and now you've added Justin's sister, it's like this is your debut night so we better get it right."

"What do you mean it's my debut night?"  Gus asked, not understanding the term.

"Well, let me see,"  Emmett said as he cupped his forefinger and thumb over his chin as he thought of a way to explain the idea to Gus.  "A debut is a first look at a new concept or person.  Did you know that in some circles, people have big fancy balls to introduce girls to society?  Everybody gets dolled up and they have fancy food and dancing. It is the chance for the girls to be introduced to society as a woman of marrying age. The girls were taught dancing and proper etiquette and this was a chance to introduce them to all the men that were appropriate to marry. Although these days, most balls are not meant to introduce women ready for marriage."   Emmett got a faraway look in his eyes for a moment.  "Why in Mississippi where I grew up, the Debutante balls were really important.  Not that anyone I knew was ever invited, but it was always written up in the society pages of the paper.  Who traveled to the Jackson to attend and a little tidbit about the debutantes.  But, you can also debut a product.  When you debut a product it is an introduction to the market,"  Emmett explained. 

"So girls used to go to fancy parties to get introduced to guys that they could marry?  Ugh.  Do you think Mom or Momma ever went to one of those?  I've heard Momma talk about some things that she did when she was younger."

Emmett thought for a moment about Lindsay and Melanie. While neither woman talked about their upbringing very often, he got the distinct impression that Lindsay came from money and it was very possible that she indeed, had attended a debutante ball.  Oh, he would love to see some of those pictures.  "I don't know, Gus.  Maybe you could ask them sometime.  But young man, we cannot dilly-dally all day and talk about debutantes and balls.  We have a meal to cook and debut,"  Emmett said as he picked up the recipe from the table and reviewed the ingredients that Gus had laid out on the counter.  Gus turned his attention to the recipe and Emmett and they worked together to prepare the chicken.

**********

The two men had been attending the Saturday evening AA meeting together for many months and frequently rode together as they spent the day with Gus. Tonight was no different and Brian offered to drive as he disliked riding in Justin's SUV.  They got in the car and Brian drove toward the meeting.

"I hope you don't mind that Gus wanted to invite Molly to the dinner next week,"  Brian asked."I think it is cute.  I'm sure he's curious about your fake date."

"When we were at dinner last night, I mentioned Gus to Molly and then I kind of mentioned that he might like to meet her,"  Brian said, explaining that it wasn't just Gus that wanted the two of them to meet. 

"Oh, So is this meet the inlaws time?  Anyone you want me to meet? "  Justin asked, half joking.

Brian cringed at the question. "Nope.  You've met all the family that I care to have.  As for my biological family, I sincerely hope you never have the displeasure of encountering any of them."  Brian paused for a few seconds and added, "Now, on to more pleasant topics."   Brian maneuvered his car into the parking place at the community center where the AA meeting was usually held.  

Justin didn't comment on Brian's statement, understanding that this was a sore subject for him but he did wonder what his family was like.  He was enjoying the extended time they were spending together and hoped that it would continue.  He decided that if and when Brian wanted to share the information, he would be happy to hear it.

They entered the meeting and sat down.  The chairs quickly filled.  

"Welcome everyone.  My name is Sam and I'm your leader for tonight.  Tonight I want to talk about relationships.  AA is not the relationship police but it is an unwritten rule that you don't date until you've been sober for a year.  I'd like to explore that."

"I'm Cali. It sounds great in theory, but what if you're already married?"  A dark-haired woman with a slim fitted T-shirt said.  "I mean, it's not like I can tell my significant other, ‘oh by the way' our relationship has to be on hold for a year while I get sober."  

"I'm Randy,"  a young man in jeans and a long sleeve green henley said.  "But what if your relationship is already damaged by your drinking?  Maybe, you need to wait to try and repair the damage.  It might be good for the other person to see that you are serious about change. They will probably accept it better."

"So you could be stuck either way," Brian said, "no one wants to sit and wait while you get your shit together but they may have been waiting just for that for a while."

"If you aren't addressing your sobriety, your relationship is going to continue to be hurt.  I would think that if someone started their sobriety journey, their significant other would try and be patient so they could address the issues in their relationship,"  Justin said.

Sam watched the group as they mulled over each statement. "We can't turn back time so anything we do to address our sobriety is a positive, but our partners will need time to adjust to our new life.  While the partner who doesn't drink is probably relieved and happy that their partner isn't drinking, there is usually some trial that they mentally give to the other person to see if they truly are changing."

The man sitting next to  Brian spoke, "I'm Dane and I was married when I stopped drinking.  At first, my wife was thrilled, but then we had to relearn how to be a couple again and see if we could be a couple again.  It took a while, but it eventually worked."

"But what happens when you weren't in a relationship to begin with?  How do you navigate those waters?"  Brian asked, knowing if the advice was to stop dating Justin, he wasn't ready to hear those words.  

Sam looked at Brian, seeing how he was honestly looking for some answers.  "Brian, what do you think?  Dating is hard, even if you are not new to sobriety."

"If I knew the answer to the question, I wouldn't have asked.  So..."  he left the question hanging in the air.  

"I'm Cathy.  Hi Brian.  It sounds like you are thinking about starting a relationship.  Can I ask how long you've been sober?"  

"10 months, why?  Is there some magic number of months?"  Brian said, wondering if he should have never asked the question.

"I'll ask another question, Brian.  Will the answers you receive tonight change your mind?  I mean, if someone said you have to wait 12 months, 18 months,  or even 2 years would you change?"

Brian thought for a minute and said, "I don't like anyone telling me what to do, so probably not.  My life is my life."

"Okay.  So why ask?  I mean I'm not sure what you hope to get out of the answer."

Brian thought about Cathy's question and said, "I don't want to screw up.  I've come so far in my recovery, I just don't want to mess things up.  I just need to know that if I move forward that I won't screw things up."

"Brian,  sobriety is only one way that relationships can get screwed up. There is a lot that goes into a successful relationship.  The reason that AA discourages relationships in early recovery is that people who are newly sober are trying to figure out who they are and what they want out of their life.  When you know who you are then you can concentrate on expanding your circle and then you are ready to date," Cathy said, hoping that this was the information that Brian was looking for.

Brian nodded.  "So, if I'm comfortable with my sobriety and who I am, then I'm ready to date."

"Well, that's a start."

"AA suggests it takes about 12 months to get comfortable with who you are.  But it could be 10 months or 16 months.  If you are thinking about starting a relationship, I encourage you to think honestly about where you are in your sobriety journey,"  Sam said.

Brian nodded but didn't feel that he wanted or needed to explain where he was in his journey.  As much as he wanted an answer to his question, he believed that it was up to him and Justin to decide where they went with their relationship.  

"I want to expand on this discussion.  AA does not police its members.  We are here to support our members in whatever they need,"  Sam continued.  "Life is all about relationships, but first we have to feel comfortable with our own relationship with ourselves.  Once we are comfortable with ourselves, then we can start expanding our circles."

Justin was curious about what Brian was feeling about the discussion tonight.  He wished that Gus wasn't waiting for them when they left the meeting. He felt that Brian's question really needed to be explored by the two of them.  He hoped Brian was on the same page as him but the last thing he wanted was to hurt Brian's sobriety.  He hoped they would have time to talk on the way home.  

"I'm Stan.  I just want to add something here.  AA is about growth and helping us get sober.  No one can decide when someone is ready to move to the next step in the 12 steps process.  I am responsible for my sobriety, no one else, and if I believe that my actions will impact someone else's life, then I need to do some real soul-searching. Just like no one can stop me from drinking, it is my reaction to my life that impacts my drinking. I am 100% responsible for my life."  Several people around the circle nodded their heads in agreement.  "I say if you are asking if you're ready Brian, the question you should be asking is how do I feel about my sobriety?  You know the answer and you don't need someone to give you the answer."

"Great comment, Stan.  AA is about support but ultimately each person has to make their own decisions. Decisions about drinking, decisions about relationships, decisions about work, play, and friends.  Life is about decisions and each one of us is responsible for ourselves.  We ask for help, but it is up to us,"  Sam said.  "I think we've had a great discussion tonight and I hope that everyone has a great week.  Remember there is coffee in the back and you can donate to the coffee fund if you would like.  See you next week."

Brian got up and motioned for Justin to join him.  They weren't going to stay and chat as they needed and wanted to go home and eat with Gus. When they got in the car, Justin asked, "What did you think of the topic tonight?"

Brian had many thoughts but knew he didn't have the time to explore them.  "I think we might need to wait until Gus goes to bed to answer that question.

"Okay,"  Justin said, wondering how their conversation would pan out.

TBC    

Chapter 18
Brian got up and motioned for Justin to join him.  They weren't going to stay and chat as they needed and wanted to go home and eat with Gus. When they got in the car, Justin asked, "What did you think of the topic tonight?"

Brian had many thoughts but knew he didn't have the time to explore them.  "I think we might need to wait until Gus goes to bed to answer that question.

"Okay,"  Justin said, wondering how their conversation would pan out.  He appreciated Brian not wanting to rush the conversation, but for the first time, he wished that they didn't have to go back to Brian's and eat with Gus as he would really like to discuss what had been talked about.  He respected Brian's judgment and knew they would talk about the topic after Gus went to bed.
 
Chapter 19
However, Brian didn't want to leave Justin totally in the dark about his thoughts. He said, "I swear AA must have a bug in my apartment, or my brain is wired somehow to the leaders.  Whenever something is going on in my life, it just happens to be the topic of the meeting.  It is really uncanny."

Justin smiled at Brian's comment.  He wasn't concerned that Brian was backing away from their relationship, but it was good to hear that Brian had evidently been thinking about their relationship.

"I know what you mean.  I really think that says more about the power of AA.  It is not geared to a specific point in time of recovery but the meetings are meant to be helpful no matter where you are in recovery.  I think that is why so many topics are repeated.  It seems that no matter when you hear them, a person can apply the information to their life at that moment."  

Justin picked up his phone and looked at a text message that his phone had notified him had recently arrived.  "Wow," he said, allowing himself to react to the comment.

"What's up?  You already told me all your work sold, so it can't be that,"  Brian commented.

"Oh, sorry.  I should have waited to look at the message,"  Justin said, feeling slightly guilty about looking at his phone when he and Brian were having a conversation.

"No apologies needed.  We were just discussing yesterday that even though you just finished an opening, you are always thinking and planning for your next piece. So, was it about your art or something else?  You don't have to tell me, just curious,"  Brian said, giving Justin an out if it was something personal that he didn't want to share.

"It's about a potential client.  Carol, my agent, said she was contacted by a firm that wanted to have me paint a mural for their new office building.  Seems the wife of the owner was at the show yesterday and was impressed.  Thousands of people could see my work and that would be a huge thing.  I can't wait to talk to Carol about the opportunity.  This may be the big break that I've been waiting for,"  Justin said, the excitement and hope evident in his voice as he raised the tone.

"That is exciting.  Was there a particular piece that she liked?  How does that work?  I mean do people just see your work and say I want a private piece"  Brian asked, curious about the specific aspects of Justin's world.  Brian realized that he and Justin had talked about the creative process on several occasions, but had never really discussed the impact of a show.  Of course, he knew that the purpose of having your art shown in an event was to get your name out in the public and also to sell your work, but he didn't know much else about the workings of an art career.

"Having an agent is really the first, all-important step. Once you have an agent, someone who believes in your work, they become the spokesperson for you.  They contact galleries, set up interviews, and generally get your work recognized.  Once you have someone who likes your work and is willing to do the contact,  then you can concentrate on developing the art."  Justin realized that he and Brian had never talked about the process of being an artist.  Brian knew he lived in an art community that housed his studio and that everyone there was an artist.  Brian had visited his home many times and they had cooked a number of meals after AA meetings, but Brian and he had never really talked about what his day was like nor how the art world truly worked.  He was pleased that Brian was curious, even though that aspect of his art was the least favorite.

"Before I had Carol, I spent most of my time just trying to convince a gallery to showcase my work or I was applying to every juried show I could find as a way to introduce my art.  Now that Carol is my agent, she is the one who negotiates where I show my work, what types of places she thinks I should try to get my art seen, and even talks to potential clients who might want a specific piece."  Justin looked out the window, noticing all the billboards that lined the street and highways, and wondered how many of those Brian had a hand in.  Justin knew that Brian's company was in advertising and he probably had a number of companies that were represented by popular billboards in the area.

"I've painted a few commercial pieces, but most people buy one of my pieces for their existing space.  When someone wants a specific piece for an office or their home, Carol is the one who negotiates the contract.  Thankfully, I don't have to do that.  The one thing that almost every artist hates is negotiating prices.  I know I have to sell my work and as I begin to be recognized more, the value of my work may increase.  But I've had pieces that have sold for a lot of money and I spent just a few hours creating them and then I've had pieces that sold for just a little over the cost of the canvas that I spent a lot of time creating.  It's not like an assembly line where the artist takes 4 hours to build x piece and labor is y amount, therefore you sell the item for Z."  Justin explained, even though he knew he didn't need to do that for Brian.

"I understand.  When Kinnetik signs a contract, I'm estimating how much time it will take to develop the campaign.  When the campaign takes more time, the material costs are higher, or the talent is more expensive than anticipated, we eat the cost.  I can't exactly go back to the client and say, ‘oh by the way, I need $10,000 because my team couldn't agree on the colors of the ad." Brian nodded as he explained a similar problem he had encountered.

Justin nodded in understanding and then continued to explain the process. "Of course, it always starts with a conversation regarding whether or not I would want the job.  And since I'm not well known at this point, she usually encourages me to accept any private requests,"  Justin explained. "I love creating art, everything else is a pain in the ass.  Sure, it's a thrill to see my work hung in a gallery, but all the work and hoopla that accompanies it... well, I just wish sometimes that I could just deliver my art to Carol and go on my merry way."

"You said that you really don't like openings as the patrons are always asking what the painting means or what were you thinking when you painted it. I bet it gets old when you have to explain for the 10th time that art is whatever the viewer thinks about it,"  Brian said.  "I guess I never really thought about the selling part of art.  Going to your opening yesterday was a thrill.  I mean, I knew the artist and your art is an extension of you. That was exciting to see your work hung up for everyone to view."

"Thanks.  I guess.  I know you get why I have a love/ hate relationship with openings.  But, unless I decide to try a different line of work, I'm stuck doing that part.  Maybe one day, I'll like it, but for now, it is a necessary evil."  Justin said, thinking back to the previous evening when he must have answered the question about what he was representing with a particular piece at least a dozen times.  Justin realized his text had sidetracked their conversation and he really wanted to have an opportunity to talk a little before they arrived back at the loft.

"Enough about the selling part of my job, we were talking about the power of AA,"  Justin said, hoping Brian would be willing to pick up where they left off.  He judged they had at least 10 minutes, maybe 15, depending on traffic before they arrived at Brian's home.

Brian made a swirl with his finger in the air and asked, "Where was that segway from?  But I get you'd rather talk about AA than the selling part of your art."  Brian smiled at Justin, letting him know he wasn't upset by the change in topic.

"I've been attending AA for 10 months, almost 11, and at 30 meetings a month, that is over 300 meetings.  The meetings are held at different locations but they are often led by the same people.  There are 52 weeks in a year and if the person leads the group only once a week, that's still 52 topics they have to come up with.  I think the odds are pretty high that the groups would talk about similar topics.  I just find it fascinating that the topics always seem to be appropriate for what I'm dealing with at that time.  Like I said, if I was a conspiracy theorist, I'd think that AA has a tracker on my brain,"  he said, tongue in cheek.

"Well, when you think about the topics that are covered, you'll see that there is a basic number from which to choose. Think about it.  There are the 12 steps, the chapters in the Big Book, 12 concepts of World Service, and then stuff that is in the monthly newsletter AA Grapevine.  Sure that is a lot of material, but as you pointed out you've attended over 300 meetings, it would be surprising that you hadn't heard a topic 2 or 3 times and sometimes even 2 times in the same week.  Now, if you attended the same group every day, I think the odds would be even higher."  Justin said, pointing out the basic places where leaders get their ideas.

"Do you ever feel that there should be only one group a person attends?  I mean that would cut down on the repetition and then the people would really get to know each other really well,"  Brian asked.  He was signaling to get off the highway and knew they only had a few minutes to discuss the issue.

"I've thought about it, but I think attending different meetings has distinct advantages in that every group is made up of different people, giving you the opportunity to hear lots of opinions and many takes on recovery.  Recovery is really different for everybody and if you always heard the viewpoint of the same 10-12 people, I think you would miss out on a lot of growth,"  Justin said, remembering when he had the same thoughts and questions.  "I had a similar discussion with my sponsor.  Maybe I'm biased, but I think he was right.  No one way is the correct way and every person has to make recovery personal.  If you only talk about recovery with the same 10-12 people, you limit your growth opportunities.  Besides, if you only attended one group, then the other 6 days you would be without a group.  I think it is important to attend a group every day, especially early in recovery,"  Justin shared his opinion and realized that this discussion could easily lead to the topic they were putting off until later that evening.  "Because recovery is different for everybody and no one can tell you when to move to the next step or when you are ready for something,"  Justin said, purposefully not mentioning relationships.

"Ah, I see we have come full circle," Brian commented.  "Something is a euphemism for relationships.  And I guess on that note, we truly will have to wait to continue our conversation as we are turning into the garage of my building,"  Brian said as he parked the car.  He undid his seatbelt and leaned over and kissed Justin.  "Thanks for agreeing to wait.  I promise we will talk after Gus goes to bed."
 
Justin kissed him back and they enjoyed a few minutes alone before getting out of the car to join Gus for dinner.  At dinner, Gus shared all the steps needed to cook the chicken including the fun he and Emmett had pounding the chicken breast.  Gus was not an aggressive boy, but he did get a kick out of the mallet and the fact that even cooks got to pound things.  After dinner, Gus, Brian, and Justin watched the new Jurassic Park movie and then it was time for Gus to go to bed.

Before going to his room to get ready for bed, he asked, "Dad, what are we going to do tomorrow?  We went shopping on Friday and did stuff this afternoon.  Do you have work to do or can we go somewhere?"

"I hadn't thought about it, Gus. You've got to be at Debbie's by 4:00, but there really isn't anything on the agenda.  Do you have something in mind?"

"I know you said you'd take me to see Justin's exhibit..... Could we go there?"  Gus asked, hoping Brian would say yes.

"What do you think, Justin?  Do you think the crowds will have died down enough?  The opening was Friday,"  Brian asked, knowing how much Gus really wanted to do this but not sure if going this soon was a good idea.

"Sure.  If we go earlier in the day, it should be fine.  Maybe the three of us could cook breakfast together and then go to the exhibit afterward,"  Justin said, thinking that would be a fun thing to do since Gus liked to cook.

Gus smiled widely as he looked at his father for approval.  "That would be awesome.  Justin could show me some stuff to cook for breakfast.  Usually, I have cereal or me and Dad hit the diner.  Do you like to cook, Justin?"

"I love to cook.  I've been teaching your dad how to cook.  He makes a mean curry,"  Justin said, thinking about how fun it would be to cook with Brian and Gus.  He enjoyed cooking with Brian and was enjoying watching Brian learn his way around the kitchen.  He thought it would be really fun to watch Gus grow in that area as well.  "I would love to cook breakfast with you and Brian. I think it would be fun."  Turning toward Brian he asked, " Do you have food to cook for breakfast and I don't mean toaster waffles or microwave pancakes?"

Brian frowned and said, "I've got eggs, cheese, and I think there are some colored peppers in the fridge.  I think we picked up some bacon at the store too; although bacon is not my preference.  Too much fat,"  Brian said.  ‘I have no idea what would be involved in making pancakes or waffles but I doubt we have those ingredients."

Justin nodded and said, "omelets it is.  I can work with that."

"Okay Sonny Boy, we will make breakfast in the morning and we'll figure out something after that.  The entire day does not have to be planned.  For now, you need to go to bed or tomorrow will never get here,"  Brian said as he waved his hand in the general direction of Gus' bedroom.

Gus grinned and walked over to Brian and gave him a hug and then turned toward Justin to give him one as well.  "Night, Dad.  Night, Justin,"  He said and then went to his room.

Brian said, "I'll go tell him goodnight.  Do you want to make coffee?"

"Sure, I'll start a pot,"  Justin answered and then walked toward the kitchen, feeling as comfortable in Brian's kitchen as he did in his own.

Brian joined him a few minutes later as he was getting mugs out for coffee.

"So... Now, you are cooking breakfast with my son.  What's next?  Are the three of us going to go shopping together?"  Brian said, the teasing in his voice evident.

Justin reached for the door of the fridge and got out the creamer, pouring some into his mug.   The coffee was brewed and he poured some coffee into the mug as well and then poured some into Brian's mug.  "It could happen,"  Justin said and thought this was a great segue to their earlier conversation.  "speaking of doing things together, I'd love to finish our conversation from earlier tonight."

Brian smiled and didn't hesitate.  "Sure.  Let's take our coffee into the living room where we can be comfortable,"  Brian said.  They walked into the living room and each man got out a coaster, setting their mugs on them.

Justin picked up his coffee mug shortly after setting it down and took a few sips from it and then set it back down.  "I asked you what you thought about the discussion tonight.  You asked about getting into a relationship.  I'd like to know what you were thinking."

Brian lifted his mug off the coaster and blew across the top of the coffee mug and then took a few sips, smiling at the taste of the fresh roast.  "Cleo encouraged me to write down my thoughts and I've been doing that for a few months now.  Sometimes I'm really surprised by what I write."  Brian stopped talking, looking at Justin to see if he would question him, but Justin just nodded acknowledging his statement.

"We've talked a lot about dating and relationships and what that means for each of us. Each time, I've told you that I'm so inexperienced that I have no idea what that means, but I think that is changing.  The other day at our meeting the leader talked about dating and tonight our leader talked about relationships.  I know I've said it before, but I swear they must have a connection to my brain.  I kinda think that they're a little different.  One is about dating and getting out there but the other one is about a relationship. Until a few days ago I would never have thought that not talking to you and hanging out with you would be such a big deal.... until you weren't available."  Brian bit the side of his lower lip and worried about it a little before continuing.  

"And we saw firsthand that it was a big deal... but as you and Cleo keep reminding me, I handled it.  I used my strategies and did not drink.  Tonight, when Sam talked about relationships, it got me thinking about us."  Brian stopped talking as he got a faraway look in his eye.

"Care to share what you were thinking?"  Justin asked after a bit when Brian hadn't spoken.

Justin's words brought him back to their conversation. "Sure,  I listened to all the people in the meeting and they all talked about how you have to know where you are in your sobriety and feel confident in it before adding a relationship to it,"  Brian said, summarizing his thoughts about the meeting.  

"And while I freaked out that I had screwed up by going to Woody's, thanks to you and Cleo, I realize that was not the case.  I did exactly what I was supposed to do.  I called my sponsor and left the temptation."  Brian was quiet for a few moments and added, "Sure, that is only one example, but I think I've got this, especially after talking with you and Cleo.  Both of you told me that the desire to drink again is never totally gone and that you still are tempted to do so gives me hope.  If I had to wait until I never wanted a drink again, I guess that would mean I would never be ready for a relationship."  Brian grinned and Justin nodded his head.

"Sure, I'm not experienced in dating or relationships, but I think in some ways that is a good thing.  I've never disappointed a partner by drinking and I've never fought about my drinking with anyone.  I haven't screwed up relationships by drinking either.  I kind of think that gives me a leg up in the relationship department.  I'm not really trying to unlearn bad habits or patch up a failing relationship.  Instead,  I'm learning how to have a healthy relationship from the beginning."

Justin found Brian's thoughts very interesting.  "I never thought about it like that, but it does make sense in a way.  You're saying that since you aren't trying to undo bad habits that might have led to really bad relationships, you are in a position to explore a relationship because you are now comfortable with who you are."
 
"Got it.  I know you have told me that I don't have to share what I write in my journal, that it's for me, but I'd like to talk about it,"  Brian said, realizing he was eager to discuss this topic with Justin.
Justin said, "I'm always interested in your thoughts Brian.  I find you a very interesting man and I'm eager to hear what's going on in your head.

"I've come to the conclusion that I'm ready to have a relationship with you.  We've been talking about dating and you've been educating me about what that means and I finally think I get it.  These last few days I've really come to realize that I miss you when you're not around and I really don't like it when I don't see you.  If that is what a relationship means, then I guess that means that I passed the entrance exam," Brian said.

"I know we've had a lot of discussions about dating and what that means.  I'm glad that you feel you are ready to be in a relationship.  What changed your mind?"  Justin asked, eager to hear Brian's answer and happy with their discussion.

"I think there are a lot of things that led me to this conclusion.  When I think back to the very first time we met and I tried to entice you into bed and you adamantly refused, even telling me that if I continued the pursuit you would walk away, I cringe.  I am so glad that I am not that person anymore.  I mean I'm still me, but I have learned that having my dick sucked is not the end all be all of my life.  I'm so much more than my cock."  Brian said, choosing not to use euphemisms and be blunt about his activities.

"Soon after that night, I realized that tricking was not a great idea since the places that I usually went were also the places where I drank and I wasn't ready to separate the two activities.  Now, I know that I don't need to go to the bars or to Woodys and I'm fine with my life.  In fact, I have a whole life that doesn't involve going to the bars and that was a huge eye-opener.  I couldn't imagine what my life would look like if I didn't hang out at the bars, but now I know that there is a whole life that doesn't involve them."  Brian stopped and picked up his coffee mug and drank several sips.  It had cooled down a little but was still plenty hot.

Justin drank some of his coffee and reached out to give Brian's thigh a squeeze and continued to rest it there.

"I worked the program and realized that I was still attracted to you but I wasn't going to do anything about it.  I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that it wasn't a good idea.  But then, well.... "  Brian smiled, picked up Justin's hand, and in a very uncharacteristic move, brought it to his mouth for a light kiss, and then placed it back on his leg.  "Someone got a little carried away with the moment and kissed me."  Brian teased Justin and continued, "and that as they say, changed everything."

Brian continued.  "I know I really didn't answer your question, but for me, it was and is a journey.  I started my journey with you as I did with all men that I found appealing:  propositioning you to get in my bed.  You turned me down and that was a first.  No one turned down a fuck from Brian Kinney.  Yet you didn't think twice about turning me down and even threatened to walk away if I continued pushing you.  That was probably the first step in my journey of relationships.  I realized, subconsciously, that you were different.  You didn't want to be with me because you wanted to have sex, you were there for other reasons."

"I remember that first night.  You propositioned me and if it had been another venue, I probably would have said yes,"  Justin said, as he remembered the night in question.  "It would have been a bad thing for many reasons.  You were very vulnerable.  I remember it was your first time at AA.  You had hit rock bottom and were reaching out for help.  While sex would have felt good, it was not the help you needed.  I needed to be there for you as a person in recovery, a role model as it were.  AA wasn't the place to pick up a trick,"  Justin shared his thoughts and memories of that first night.

"Right.  But, unbeknownst to me, that first night started a domino effect.  I didn't know who I was, what I wanted out of life, what I liked to do, and of course, I had no idea what a relationship was or even if I wanted one.  Of course, I can't forget the all-important piece of knowing and understanding my drinking.  I drank to hide from getting to know who I was and what I wanted.  I haven't taken a drink in over 10 months, close to 11 and I've learned a lot about myself during that time."  Brian ran his hand through his hair and gave Justin a small smile.

"Thanks to you, Cleo, AA, my journaling, and many hours of discussion with myself, I'm feeling really good about who I am and what I want.  Tonight, when Sam was talking about relationships and how I needed to be comfortable with my sobriety and who I was before starting a relationship, I was thinking that I am comfortable.  While I don't think that I know everything about myself or my sobriety, I feel confident enough that I'm ready to do this.  Sure, I had to be reminded that I did use my strategies and left Woody's, but I did it.  Thinking back on the last few days, I feel pretty damn good about the whole thing."

"I'm glad that you feel good about what happened at Woody's.  I'm proud of your actions and proud of you,"  Justin said, but felt compelled to add.  "But Brian, you do realize that there will be more incidents and times that you want to drink.  I'm not saying that you will slip up, but I just have to put it out there."

Brian sighed loudly.  "I know, but I also know I have lots of support to help.  Between you, Cleo, Ted, Emmett, and even Gus, I've got a lot of people who believe in me and of course, I can't forget myself.  I believe in myself.  I'm not naive thinking that I will never have another incident where I want to drink, but I feel confident that I can handle it and many people have my back."  Brian stretched his arm out and made a sweeping motion with it.

"I feel confident in my sobriety and my support system.  Even though I wish the blip hadn't happened, it made me realize I've got this.  So..... Sam's statement about feeling confident in your sobriety is one area I've got check boxed.  As for the second area, I think that it follows from the first.  Knowing my support network is part of knowing who I am and what I want."  Brian let that sentence hang in the air for a few moments and leaned closer to Justin and said, "And I want you in my life.  I want to know that I will see you, preferably daily,"  Brian smiled, touched Justin's hand, and ran his hand back and forth over it.

"Gus really likes you and I think he has a good head on his shoulders.  Hopefully, that gives you the answer that you were wanting.  I don't think I consciously said, oh, I'm ready to have a relationship.  I think it is more like I'm comfortable with the idea and as I keep coming back to the incident at Woody's, my mind and body miss you when you aren't here."  Brian scooted closer to Justin and kissed him gently on the lips and then looked at him to see his response.

"What do you think?  I've told you my thoughts but I'd like to hear yours,"  Brian asked.

Justin thought for a few moments while he took another drink of his coffee.  It was almost empty and he got up to refill the mug.  As he poured the coffee and added sugar and cream, he thought about his response.  Returning to the living room, he inhaled the aroma of his coffee before placing the hot coffee on the coaster.  Turning toward Brian, he said, "I think Sam's words had merit.  Unlike you, I've had some really shitty relationships and they taught me things too.  I learned what I didn't want.  I need to feel in control of my life and to feel that my career is important. You're not hanging on my coattails in order for me to introduce you to the next big artist or to use me to support you.  You've supported me as an artist, not just by attending my shows, although that has been appreciated.  While our careers are different, there are some similarities as we are both in creative pursuits and a 9:00-5:00 clock doesn't always fit our lives. Of course, that means that we can't always see each other when we want,"  Justin said, alluding to their difficulties in the last few weeks.

"Sure, I've been sober for longer than you, but that doesn't mean that I'm not ready or am more ready than you for a relationship.  I think the comment that was made tonight about having to unlearn bad habits really hit home.  I had to recognize and accept that I've made some bad choices in my past relationships and I had to learn what I wanted in order to have a successful one."  Justin leaned forward and said, "And I want you.  I want us.  I think together we are great."  Justin kissed Brian on the lips and sat back just as Brian had a few minutes earlier.

"After 10 months, we're on the same page.  Brian Kinney is in a relationship.  I know I would have never said those words nor would I have imagined that those words would ever come out of my mouth.  But I gotta tell you, I'm pretty happy about this.  I'm ready to see where this leads.  And right now, I think it should lead to hot sex in my bedroom."  Brian waved his arm toward his bedroom and raised his eyebrows as he asked Justin's opinion.

"I think... I think that is an excellent suggestion.  Lead the way,"  Justin said, leaving his coffee to sit and grow cold.

The two men walked to the bedroom, holding hands and smiling.  Brian closed the door and reached for Justin, pulling him in for a smoldering kiss, arms wrapped tightly around each other's torsos, and their bodies pressed together as they pushed into each other. Soon fingers were busy unbuttoning buttons and taking off shirts in order to feel skin-on-skin contact.  The two men were still standing just inside the door, with no thoughts but enjoying each other's bodies.

Their erections were pressing on tight denim, demanding release from their respective cloth prisons.  Justin undid the button and zip on Brian's jeans and Brian followed suit on Justin's clothing.  As soon as the jeans were loose, Justin quickly pulled down Brian's jeans and underwear, barely breaking their kiss for a moment to complete the action.  Brian broke their kiss and mirrored Justin's actions as he stepped out of his jeans and motioned for Justin to do the same.  Both men were naked, their erections jutting out from their bodies, saluting the other man.

Without words, Brian moved them to the bed where they fell to the mattress, barely breaking their kiss.  Their bodies rubbed together, enjoying the friction unencumbered by denim or cotton.  Kissing and exploring each other's mouths they inhaled each other's unique scent and relished the taste of coffee.
Unconsciously Brian realized he wanted more than frottage or a blow job.  He reached for the bowl that he had by the edge of his bed, but found it empty.  He growled in frustration.

The noise surprised Justin and he stopped kissing Brian and asked, "something wrong?"

"Shit!" Brian said.

"Brian?"  Justin asked, wondering what was happening. They had been enjoying themselves and obviously, something was going on but he was unsure what it was.

"I was trying to grab a condom, but there aren't any here.  I used to keep them in this bowl by the bed, so they'd always be handy."

"A condom?"  Justin asked, unsure how he felt about the situation.

TBC

Chapter 20

The two men walked to the bedroom, holding hands and smiling.  Brian closed the door and reached for Justin, pulling him in for a smoldering kiss, arms wrapped tightly around each other's torsos, and their bodies pressed together as they pushed into each other. Soon fingers were busy unbuttoning buttons and taking off shirts in order to feel skin-on-skin contact.  The two men were still standing just inside the door, with no thoughts but enjoying each other's bodies.

Their erections were pressing on tight denim, demanding release from their respective cloth prisons.  Justin undid the button and zip on Brian's jeans and Brian followed suit on Justin's clothing.  As soon as the jeans were loose, Justin quickly pulled down Brian's jeans and underwear, barely breaking their kiss for a moment to complete the action.  Brian broke their kiss and mirrored Justin's actions as he stepped out of his jeans and motioned for Justin to do the same.  Both men were naked, their erections jutting out from their bodies, saluting the other man.

Without words, Brian moved them to the bed where they fell to the mattress, barely breaking their kiss.  Their bodies rubbed together, enjoying the friction unencumbered by denim or cotton.  Kissing and exploring each other's mouths they inhaled each other's unique scent and relished the taste of coffee. 

Unconsciously Brian realized he wanted more than frottage or a blow job.  He reached for the bowl that he had by the edge of his bed, but found it empty.  He growled in frustration.

The noise surprised Justin and he stopped kissing Brian and asked, "something wrong?"

"Shit!" Brian said.

"Brian?"  Justin asked, wondering what was happening. They had been enjoying themselves and obviously, something was going on but he was unsure what it was.

"I was trying to grab a condom, but there aren't any here.  I used to keep them in this bowl by the bed, so they'd always be handy."

"A condom?"  Justin asked, unsure how he felt about the situation.

Chapter 21

"I'm sorry.  I should have asked.  I just got carried away in the moment,"  Brian explained. He hadn't thought about the ramifications of his statement until he said it aloud.  "I guess we should have talked about it.  I mean I know we've had mutual blow jobs and a few hand jobs, but condoms are on another level.  I screwed up yet again.  Maybe I'm not as ready as I thought."  Brian laid down on his back and closed his eyes, unable to look at Justin.

Justin pushed Brian's shoulder and said, "Open your eyes and look at me.  You didn't screw up."

Brian didn't immediately comply and Justin repeated his statement and actions. 

"From where I sit, I did.  I mean I was about to grab a condom and have sex with you without even checking to see if you were on the same page as I was.  To me, that's a pretty big leap and that is just screwed. Pardon the pun,"  he said, still not opening his eyes but at least responding to Justin's words. 

"Brian, I refuse to have this conversation unless you open your eyes and look at me,"  Justin said, demanding that Brian be fully present in this important discussion.

Reluctantly Brian opened his eyes.  "Okay, they're open,"  He said, still not looking at Justin.

"Look at me,"  Justin said again.

After a few moments, Brian complied.

Justin leaned over and gave Brian a light kiss on the lips.  "Good.  You've opened your eyes and are looking at me.  That's a good start."  Justin gave him another light kiss and then continued.  "You didn't screw up.  I think it is pretty cool that you were comfortable enough with where we are that you wanted to bring sex up to the next level.  And remember that it takes two people to have sex.  I'm not some 15-year-old virgin who hasn't got a clue and my mouth works very well.  If you had started something that I wasn't comfortable with or ready for, I would tell you no."

"But in the heat of the moment, would you have gone along and then regretted it?  We've messed around, but..." Brian didn't finish his statement as he felt his meaning was clear.

"We're both adults here.  If I regretted it, I would talk to you about it.  Remember, we just talked about our relationship and where we want it to go.  I want it to grow too and part of that is having actual intercourse.  Penetration is the next step,"  Justin said, hoping he was getting through to Brian.

"I feel like a fucking teenager with their first crush whose body is taking over and just wants more.  I don't want..."  Brian stopped, closing his eyes again, unable to look Justin in the eye as he shared his thoughts.

Justin scooted next to him and lay his arm over Brian's chest as he closed his eyes and enjoyed the closeness of their bodies.  After about 5 minutes, Justin said, "let's start this again."

Brian did not move or open his eyes as he was unsure what Justin meant.

"I asked you earlier tonight what your thoughts were about the discussion at AA.  You said you were ready to start a relationship and I said I was ready too.  I guess we didn't really talk about what that means,"  Justin said, starting the conversation up again.

"Fuck, Justin.  Does everything have to be a damn conversation?  I feel that sometimes we analyze everything to death, " Brian said in exasperation.

Justin continued to lie next to Brian feeling it was less threatening to Brian if he could have the conversation without eye-to-eye contact. 

"Brian, no we do not need to talk everything to death, but I get the impression the sex thing is something you're still struggling with.  Sex is a part of any intimate relationship and while we haven't had penetrative sex, I imagine it will happen and probably sooner than later.  That being said, we should talk about it.  While I know that talking is not your favorite activity, I think it is helpful in sorting out your thoughts and feelings.  You're so used to hiding your thoughts and feelings in a bottle and while you have been sober for almost 11 months, it still is not second nature to open up about what you are feeling."  Justin said, hoping Brian would agree to explore his thoughts and feelings instead of shutting down.

"Fuck, Justin."  Brian ran his hand over his closed eyes and down his chest, resting on his groin where his penis had retreated to its unaroused state. "Okay, you win.  Let's talk."

 "Brian, this isn't a contest,"  Justin said, wondering if he should drop the subject in favor of sleep and revisit it when they weren't lying in bed after an abortive make-out session.

"I know," he said, apology evident in his voice.  "We've been making out for a while now and up to now it was enough.  I enjoyed making out with you and while I haven't had penetrative sex in forever it was fine.  I think once I made up my mind that I was ready for a relationship, my brain decided that I was ready for more in the sex department.  I just hadn't put two and two together.  If the condom bowl was filled like it used to be, I think we would be having a different discussion right now,'  Brian said, feeling vulnerable admitting his thoughts.

Justin continued to lay next to Brian and gently ran his hand across his chest. "Thank you for being honest and sharing."  He kissed his chest lightly and lay back down.  "I like that idea.  If we had talked about it, we would have been better off.  But.... since we waited, we had to deal with all this angst.  I prefer talking.  Don't you?" 

"You like the idea?"  Brian asked.

"Duh.  who doesn't like sex?  And making out with you has been amazing so far.  I can't imagine what it would be like if we moved it to the next level,"  Justin said as his fingertip circled Brian's nipple.

"Oh,"  he opened his eyes and smiled the first smile since they walked into the bedroom. "Well.... Let me see if I can dig up a condom and some lube,"  Brian said as he reluctantly rolled over and turned toward his nightstand, rummaging for some lube and condoms.  "Damn!!  Nothing in here."  He reluctantly got out of bed and went into the bathroom, looking under the sink and in the linen closet.  After a few minutes, he yelled, "Success.  I knew I threw out all my liquor but I didn't think I threw out my supply of condoms and lube."  He walked back into the bedroom and laid the supplies on the nightstand.  He sat back down on the bed and said, " You sure about this?"

"I'm sure. He grabbed Brian's hand and placed it on his growing erection.  "I'm very sure.  Now come down here and kiss me," Justin demanded.

Brian did as he was told and soon their earlier discussion was forgotten as they enjoyed each other's bodies and their renewed passion as they kissed, touched, and explored each other. Soon Brian reached for the condom and lube and pulled away from Justin's eager mouth. 

"We're good?"  he asked before flipping the cap of the tube.

"We're good,"  Justin said as he placed his body at an angle where Brian could easily reach his center. 

Brian prepared him, taking time to ensure Justin was ready for him.  Justin grabbed the foil package and ripped it open, placing the condom on Brian's leaking erection, signaling his readiness. Justin lay on his back and Brian placed his legs on top of his shoulders.  Soon he was inside Justin, leaning down for kisses and thrusting into the tight body. Within a short time, both men were reaching the release of orgasm, Brian cumming into the condom and Justin shooting between their bodies.  Brian reached for the bottom of the condom, holding it in place while he withdrew from Justin's body, laying on his back after he tied the condom in a knot and dropped it in the trash by the side of the bed.

"Wow!  Just wow,"  Brian said as his heart rate returned to its normal level.

Justin lay next to him, enjoying his post-orgasmic high.  After a few minutes, he said, "I'm going to grab a wet towel."  He left the bed and grabbed a towel from the linen closet.  Since he had showered there, he knew where to find the linens.  He cleaned himself up and then brought the warm cloth to Brian so he could do the same. 

After Brian cleaned himself, he took the cloth into the bathroom and tossed it in the corner, and then returned to the bed where Justin was pulling the sheet on top of his body.

Brian climbed in and scooted next to Justin, draping his arm across his abdomen, and closed his eyes, falling asleep very quickly.  Justin followed Brian into dreamland and the two of them slept till Gus woke them up the next morning when he banged on their door.

"Dad.  Dad.  You guys are going to sleep forever.  We have stuff to do today.  If you guys don't get up, we won't have time to do it all,"  Gus yelled through the closed door.

Brian ran his hand over his face as he sat up in bed and yawned.  Looking at the clock on the nightstand, he saw that it was after 9:00, late for him to still be sleeping.  Looking down, he saw Justin, curled on his side, sleeping peacefully through Gus' wake-up call.  Grabbing a pair of boxer

s he put them on before opening the door and walking out to the living area.

"Justin's still asleep,'  Brian said quietly.

"Sorry, Dad,"  Gus said as he took in his father's state of undress.  "Were you asleep too?  You're usually dressed, showered, and raring to go on a Sunday morning."

"Yeah, I was asleep, but that's okay.  Let me go wake up Justin and we'll grab a quick shower.  Then we can go start our adventure for today,"   Brian said.  Before returning to the bedroom, he veered toward the kitchen and started a pot of coffee.  He knew both he and Justin would benefit from the caffeine. 

After the coffee started brewing he walked back into the bedroom, gently closing the door before getting on the bed to wake up Justin.  He leaned over the sleeping body and gently shook it while speaking his name.  "Justin.  Justin.  Time to get up,"  he said.

Justin moaned and attempted to open his eyes but the brightness of the light streaming in from the window was too much and he grabbed his pillow and pulled it over his head.

Brian laughed.  "It's after 9:00 and Gus is raring to go.  Time to get up," Brian said as he pulled the pillow off Justin's head and kissed his cheek.

Justin opened his eyes, orienting himself to his surroundings. While he had slept in Brian's bed for the last few nights, he was still not used to waking up in his bed.  "Oh....  Gus...  Got it,"  he murmured, trying to get his brain functioning.  "Coffee?"

"Brewing," Brian said, finding Justin's one-word utterances interesting after all the talking they had been doing of late.

Justin fully opened his eyes and his brain finally started to register where he was.  "I need a shower.  Join me?" he asked, hoping Brian would say yes.

Before he could answer, Gus opened the door and said, "Dad.  Justin.  I'm starving.  Can we cook breakfast sometime in this century?"

Brian shook his head and whispered to Justin, " I guess a repeat of last night is off the table for now."

Justin smiled and nodded.  "But I still need a shower."

"Sonny Boy. Go grab a banana or some juice. We need to grab a shower before we start cooking."

"Okay.  But hurry up.  I'm really hungry."

"Close the door, Sonny Boy.  We'll be out in a bit,"  Brian said.

"Come on, sleepy head.  We need to shower and get ready.  I have one really hungry little boy who will not wait very long,"  Brian said as he watched Justin reluctantly get out of bed. 

Justin walked to the bathroom as he scratched his head and ran his hand over his face while yawning widely.  "What time is it?"

"It's after 9:00.  I told you that.  You really aren't a morning person are you?"  Brian said as he turned on the water in the shower. 

Justin used the toilet and waited for Brian to signal that the shower was ready for them.  Justin went to Brian and gave him a quick kiss before entering the glass enclosure.

"It's a shame Gus is hungry and eager for us to get out of here,"  Brian said as he grabbed the soap.  He lathered the soap in his hands and proceeded to soap up Justin.

"Oh well, we'll just have to take advantage of the shower at a time when he's not around,"  Justin said, giving Brian a full-watt smile.

"Indeed.  I like the way you think,"  Brian said as he handed the soap to Justin so he could soap up Brian.  "We will just have to remedy this problem soon,"  he joked and then grabbed the hose on the shower head to rinse Justin off.  Justin followed suit and then they each washed their own hair.

Despite their desire to linger in the shower, they were finished in under 15 minutes and both men dressed quickly, and then joined Gus in the kitchen where Gus was taking breakfast items out of the fridge.

"I cut up some peppers and tore some cheese for an omelet.  I don't have a recipe for pancakes, but I guess we could go look something up,"  Gus said as he waved toward the ingredients laid out on the island.

Justin looked at the items and asked, "Do you have any mushrooms or black olives?  Those go well in omelets."

"I think we have some mushrooms in a can, but I don't think we've ever bought black olives.  We can put them on the list for when Dad and I go shopping next time.  Are you going to help me cook breakfast next week too?"  Gus asked, eager to include Justin in everything they did.

Justin wasn't sure how to answer that question.  He didn't want to assume that Brian would want him there every night or even every weekend.  Even though they had been together and now were officially dating, he didn't want to leap into full togetherness from the start.  He said, "I'll help you cook again, but I don't know if I'll be here next weekend.  That's a long way away,"  Justin answered, hoping he would be back but unsure if that was a good idea.

"Oh," Gus said, his voice dropping lower after hearing Justin's reply. 

Brian saw Gus' disappointment and said, "I'm sure Justin would be happy to make breakfast with us at some time in the future. Right, Justin?"

Justin was surprised at how quickly an innocent question could become filled with uncertainty.  "Absolutely.  But right now, I understand that you are starving and we don't want you wasting away before our eyes.  Let's get these eggs cracked and the skillet heating up."  Justin grabbed the mixing bowl from the shelf and placed the skillet on the burner and turned it on a low heat.  "Why don't you put a little butter in the pan and let it sizzle? Then you can crack the eggs.  I'll put your dad on vegetable duty and he can cut up the veggies and find some spices to put in the omelet."

The three of them worked efficiently under Justin's tutelage and soon they were sitting down to omelets, toast, juice, and coffee for Brian and Justin.  They ate and laughed about the many dirty bowls and utensils it took to fix a simple breakfast.  After they were done, they cleaned up and loaded the dishwasher.

"So, can we go to see Justin's show?  You said we could go if it was early.  You guys slept so late.  Is it still early enough?" Gus asked, hoping to see the show.

Justin looked at the clock on the stove and said, "Sure.  It's only 11:00 and the afternoon crowds don't come till about 1:30 or 2:00.  The gallery opens at 11:00 so we would be getting there pretty early."

Gus made fists with both of his hands and shook them in victory. "Cool."

"Grab your bag, Gus.  After we see the exhibit, we'll grab some lunch, and then it will be about time for you to go to Deb's,"  Brian directed.

"Dad, do you think I could ever stay here during the week?  I mean this summer I'm supposed to go to art camp and I won't have school on Monday morning."

"I don't know.  That is a long way off.  It's something I would have to think about and I'd have to talk to your mother about it,"  Brian answered quickly, surprised by Gus' request.

"It's only a few months away.  I could talk to her about it," Gus offered.

"No.  I'll talk to her,"  Brian answered quickly.  He did not want Gus to bring up the idea as he thought it might not go over very well.

"Okay," Gus said and went to his room to gather his bag and schoolwork.

"I'm going to grab my bag too.  I've got to go home tonight,"  Justin said as he headed toward the bedroom.

Brian was surprised by Justin's statement and wanted nothing more than to question him about it, but knew he couldn't do it at this time.  Instead, he said, "Okay."  He waited for both of them to grab their gear and meet him in the living room.

The afternoon was spent at the exhibit where Gus looked at all the entries and he and Justin talked at length about the different pieces of artwork.  Brian watched from the sidelines enjoying watching the two of them interact and was thrilled about Gus' obvious interest in all the works at the exhibit. It was after 2:00 when they left and as Brian promised, they grabbed a late lunch and then dropped Gus off at Debbie's for the Sunday family dinner.

Justin followed Brian to their Sunday night AA meeting and since they were there early, he joined Brian in his car to visit for a bit before they needed to go inside.

"I had a great weekend,"  Justin said as he adjusted the seat.

"I can't believe your opening is over.  It just seems that you've been talking about it forever. And now you can relax for a few days,"  Brian said, unbuckling his seat belt and turning toward Justin.  "I had a great weekend too.  But you're going home after the meeting?"  He hesitated but then added, "I thought we talked about everything."

"Brian, as much as I enjoyed the weekend and spending time with you and Gus, I have to work.  I have a studio, commitments, and things I have to do.  I can't do that if I spend all my time with you,"  Justin explained.

"I have to work too.  But not till tomorrow.  You could go home when you got up in the morning,"  Brian said, offering an alternative that he hoped would appeal to Justin.

"I could, but I think we need some time apart.  And before you get all freaked out, there is nothing wrong.  I'm very happy about our weekend... All of it.  But remember what we talked about a while back, new relationships are like drinking.  They feel so good.  They give you a high or adrenaline rush just like drinking does.  I know both of us are really excited about this new level of intimacy that we experienced this weekend but we really should take it slow," Justin said, explaining his decision. 

Brian looked at Justin and nodded.  "But when will we hook up again?  Fuck, I sound just like a stupid teenager."  Brian ran his hand through his hair and looked out at the parking lot.

"Brian...."  Justin said, gently.  He leaned over and placed his hand on Brian's thigh.  "We talked about this.  You are not a teenager and it's okay to want to be with me.  It's normal.  I would be upset if you weren't wanting to be with me.  I would start to wonder if I was good enough.  Listen to us, two scared men - eager to please each other and feeling awkward about expressing that desire."

"You sure?  You aren't upset about last night and this is your way of bowing out?"  Brian asked, needing reassurance.

"Brian, I loved last night.  It was amazing. You're amazing.  But, I do have things to do at home.  I haven't been home in almost a week.  I have laundry to do and my plants need watering I think I might have left dirty dishes in the sink and who knows what the apartment will smell like if that's the case.  I know I need to take out the trash too.  You know, stuff that has to be done.  As for when I will see you, probably Tuesday.  Tomorrow, you're meeting with Cleo and we don't usually see each other."

Brian nodded and said, "Okay.  Point made.  Tuesday it is.  I guess we better get inside or we'll miss the start of the meeting."  Brian leaned over and gave Justin a kiss on the lips, hoping that there were no participants in the parking lot to witness the exchange.

They attended the meeting where the leader talked about living one day at a time.  Brian listened intently, applying the message to his current situation.  After the meeting, the two men walked out together. 

"Could I interest you in dinner before you head out?"  Brian asked, hoping to postpone Justin's departure.

"Sure.  I have to eat.  I haven't been home for a few days, so I don't have much food.  I tend to only buy a few days' worth at a time.  What about going to the diner around the corner?"  Justin said, teasing Brian about not having been home.

"Meet you there,"  Brian said and he got in his car and drove to the diner.

They chose a booth in the back and picked up the menus from the steel rack on the edge of the table.  "It seems like forever since we ate here.  I guess I got used to us cooking together." Brian said as he looked at the menu.

"True.  But sometimes I don't want to cook.  And I surely don't want to go to the grocery to pick out food tonight.  I know I've got a bunch of stuff I've got to do before I head to bed."

Brian felt a little guilty at Justin's admission.  "Are you sure you want to eat?  You could just have gone home."

"Brian.  Stop.  I wanted to come to eat with you.  I'm not punishing you by going home and not hanging out with you tonight.  As I said earlier, I have a life, and shit like bills to be paid, taking out the trash, and doing the laundry all have to be taken care of.  No matter that I'd like nothing better than to say forget it and go home with you, I have to go home to my apartment,"  Justin chastised Brian again.  "Now, if you don't quit, I will leave and then you really will have something to complain about.  Let's enjoy dinner and then we will part ways for tonight.  It's not the end of the world." 

Brian nodded and realized he was being like Gus, wanting his way and pouting when he didn't get it.  Shaking his head to clear it, he said, "So what are you going to have?  I think I'll have the pot roast.  Something different."

"That is different, but I think I'll have the fried fish.  I haven't had that for a while,"  Justin said.  They gave their orders to the waitress and each man prepared the coffee that she had poured before taking their orders.

"Tonight's topic was interesting.  One day at a time.  Here I am asking about when I'm going to see you again and I forget to live in the moment,"  Brian said.

"You know it's okay to look forward to new and different things, but yeah, living in the moment is pretty important.  It goes the other way too.  If you're struggling, you just have to get through that moment and then the next moment and the next,"  Justin said, adding his thoughts.  "We have to live one day at a time and that is especially true in early recovery."

"You know, there are days that I don't even think about drinking and then there are days that is all I think about it.  Well, not all, but alcohol intrudes on my thoughts more often on some days,'  Brian said, admitting that he still thought about drinking.

"I get it.  And sure it happens, but I bet you'll find that you don't think about it nearly as often as you did, say six months ago,"  Justin said as he waved at the waitress to refill his coffee.

"Right.  I don't think about it nearly as much as I used to.  Like I said the other night, I just thought it was me and I was kind of relieved that you still have thoughts about drinking.  I guess we will always need to be mindful of the past,"  Brian said, thinking about his past drinking. 

"Don't go getting all morose on me.  Admitting you have a problem goes a long way to maintaining your sobriety.  You've done a lot of work in that area and I'm really proud of you.  I'm happy to be in a relationship with you,'  Justin said, reaching out his hand and giving Brian's hand a squeeze.

"Me too.  I would never have thought that I would want a relationship, but the thought of not seeing you and hanging out with you feels wrong. Did I tell you that Gus asked if we were getting married?  Right after I asked him his thoughts about you spending the night, he asked if we were getting married."

Justin was surprised by Brian's admission and asked, "And how did you respond?  I mean I'm not asking if you are proposing.  Fuck.  That didn't come out right either."  Justin ran his hand over his head and closed his eyes.  Taking a deep sigh, he opened his eyes and tried again.  "I mean.... I'm sure you weren't ready for that question. I... ah... You...." Justin stammered.

"Relax, Justin.  I told him that you were spending the night and that did not mean we were getting married,"  Brian said, grinning a little.  "However, he did get me thinking."

Justin looked at Brian, eyebrows raised and questions bubbling up trying their very best to be asked.

"And what were you thinking?  I mean, we were just talking one day at a time."

Brian looked at Justin, vacillating between sharing his thoughts and keeping them to himself.  He smiled at Justin, hoping the food would arrive so he could think about his answer. Was he ready to share his thoughts or did he want to keep them close?  Did Justin really want to know what he wrote about in his journal?  What would Justin think if he shared his thoughts?  What would Gus or Ted think?  He wasn't sure what he should do. 

The food arrived and he took a bite of his pot roast, mulling the questions in his head.

TBC

Chapter 21

"Me too.  I would never have thought that I would want a relationship, but the thought of not seeing you and hanging out with you feels wrong. Did I tell you that Gus asked if we were getting married?  Right after I asked him his thoughts about you spending the night, he asked if we were getting married."

Justin was surprised by Brian's admission and asked, "And how did you respond?  I mean I'm not asking if you are proposing.  Fuck.  That didn't come out right either."  Justin ran his hand over his head and closed his eyes.  Taking a deep sigh, he opened his eyes and tried again.  "I mean.... I' sure you weren't ready for that question. I... ah... You...." Justin stammered.

"Relax, Justin.  I told him that you were spending the night and that did not mean we were getting married,"  Brian said, grinning a little.  "However, he did get me thinking."

Justin looked at Brian, eyebrows raised and questions bubbling up trying their very best to be asked.

"And what were you thinking?  I mean, we were just talking one day at a time."

Brian looked at Justin, vacillating between sharing his thoughts and keeping them to himself.  He smiled at Justin, hoping the food would arrive so he could think about his answer. Was he ready to share his thoughts or did he want to keep them close?  Did Justin really want to know what he wrote about in his journal?  What would Justin think if he shared his thoughts?  What would Gus or Ted think?  He wasn't sure what he should do. 

The food arrived and he took a bite of his pot roast, mulling the questions in his head.

Chapter 22

Justin didn't push Brian for an answer, even though he was eager to hear Brian's thoughts.  He cut a bit of the fish with his fork and then placed it on the fork and brought it to his mouth.  He could smell the slightly fishy smell mingled with the oil and light batter the fish was cooked in.  He'd never really eaten a lot of fish until a few years ago when he had been dating a man who didn't eat meat.  He wasn't really a vegetarian but he didn't think that the cost of raising cattle was a good return for the earth.  He ate eggs, cheese, fish, and pretty much everything else, just not meat.  He'd introduced Justin to a lot of fish dishes and surprisingly Justin had found many of them very good.  Once their relationship had ended, he had reverted to eating meat and chicken again and now only occasionally ate fish.  But tonight, the fish on the menu made his taste buds water in anticipation and he was glad he chose it for dinner.  He ate several bites paying more attention to his dinner than his dinner companion, allowing Brian to work through whatever struggles he was experiencing in giving Justin an answer.  Justin hoped that he would not skirt the question and at least attempt a conversation about the topic.

"What do I think?  Journaling is a great exercise in stream of consciousness,"  Brian said, introducing his answer.

Justin chose not to comment, recognizing Brian's tactic of delaying answering the question.  He cut off another piece of fish and ate it, followed by a sip of his coffee.

"I think.... Marriage has never been on my radar, having lived through my childhood and seeing the absolute worst example of two people living together and pretending to the world that marriage is sacrosanct."

Justin nodded as he remembered that Brian had mentioned a few times that his parent's marriage was a sham.

Brian took another bite of his stew and chewed the meat slowly before continuing.  "However, I do have some other thoughts on the subject."

Justin raised his eyebrows again and waved his hand slightly encouraging Brian to continue.

"1.  I don't think Gus has a real notion of what marriage entails.  All he knows is his moms are married and so are his Uncle Ted and Uncle Blake.  These people are part of his everyday life and they are generally happy.  He has two moms and it would be cool to have two dads.  I think he equates marriage with having a partner and being happy.  Now, I would guess that Ted and Blake are pretty happy, but I often wonder about Gus's mothers but we are not discussing those women at this time."

Justin did not remember Brian ever mentioning that Gus' moms were unhappy and this was a piece of information he filed away for another time. The statement about two dads was another interesting thought that Justin had not thought about.

"2.  I'm not the only one who has no idea of what marriage entails.  I have no reference regarding a successful marriage or why anyone would particularly want to be married.  After all, marriage is a heterosexual institution designed to align families and to guarantee that a man's children are his biological descendants.  Gay marriage does neither of those. There are prenuptial agreements basically stating that whatever each party brings to the marriage is theirs if the marriage craps out."

"True.  Marriage originated as a way to bind two families and to guarantee a man's children were his own.  But gay marriage provides the partners with the legal rights that heterosexual marriage offers,"  Justin countered.

"Domestic partnerships can do the same thing.  But we are not debating the merits of gay marriage tonight.  You asked me my thoughts and I want to add one more.  While I'm not sure how I feel about marriage or even if I would ever consider it, I do know that I want to be in a relationship with you."  He picked up his cup of coffee and finished it, waving for the waitress to refill his cup. 

"I'm okay with dating and have decided that regardless of what happens between the two of us, you are very important to me and I want you around for a long time,"  Brian finished his discourse on the thoughts of marriage.

"I can live with that answer.  I want you around for a long time too,"  Justin said smiling at Brian. 

"As for marriage or anything else, we will take it one day at a time," Brian said, referring to their earlier meeting. 

Both men returned their attention to their respective dinners for a few minutes, having addressed Justin's question. 

"We good?"  Justin asked, wanting to ensure that Brian was actually okay with his decision to go home instead of spending another night with him.

Brian nodded.  "Yes.  I don't like that you are going home instead of coming with me, but I get it.  The most important part is that we are on the same page.  We both want us and as for the rest of it, we'll figure it out."  He waved to the waitress for their check, finished the last of his coffee, and wiped his mouth with a napkin.

Justin finished his meal as well and they both walked up to the register in  front of the diner to pay their respective bills. They walked out to the parking lot and Brian walked with Justin to his car.  He turned and gathered him in his arms giving him a strong hug.  Justin hugged back and said, "Have a good night, Brian."  He pulled apart from the embrace and gave Brian a quick kiss on the lips, opened his door, and closed it quickly, half fearing he would drop his resolve to go home and take care of some of the necessities of life.  He pulled on his seat belt and watched as Brian walked toward his car.  He sighed and drove toward his home as Brian unlocked his car to do the same.

*********

When Brian woke on Monday morning, he subconsciously reached for Justin, disappointed that he was not there.  The move surprised him as he didn't think waking up to Justin in his bed for three days in a row would have made such a quick imprint on him.  He ran his hand over his face and thought about their dinner the previous night.  Intellectually he understood why Justin went home but his emotions did not like what his brain told him.  He quickly chastised himself for acting like a lovesick teenager but then just as quickly he remembered Cleo's and Justin's directives that he was not a teenager and it was perfectly natural for him to be thinking about Justin and missing him.  He grabbed his phone and sent a quick text.

"Good morning.  Hope you got your adulting accomplished.  Have a great day."  Brian hit send and went to the bathroom to get ready for his day.  He didn't expect a response for several hours, knowing Justin was not a morning person.

Work was busy as Kinnetik had signed a new client the previous week.  Brian had several client meetings and met with Ted regarding the monthly outlook on sales.  He also had a meeting with Cynthia to discuss upcoming performance reviews and other HR concerns.  Before he realized it, it was time for him to leave and attend his weekly AA meeting with Cleo.  He bid Ted and Cynthia goodbye and drove to the meeting.  Looking around the parking lot as he usually did, he saw Cleo's car and made his way inside, finding his sponsor quickly.

They hugged briefly and Cleo grabbed a cup of coffee from the industrial coffee pot and Brian picked up a bottle of water.

"How are you, Brian?  Have a good weekend?  Wasn't Justin's show this weekend?"  Cleo asked, having not heard from Brian in a few days.  He had left it up to Brian to set the schedule for them to check in and while Brian usually did so every few days, he sometimes did not do so.  At this point in his sobriety, Cleo was not concerned that Brian would hesitate to reach out if there were problems. 

"Justin's show was good, but many things happened in the last few days."

Before Brian could continue his explanation, the leader called the group to order.  Tonight's topic was   "H.A.L.T."  Don't get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.  Brian listened intently as this was a new topic for him.  After the meeting, he and Cleo drove to their favorite haunt, the diner around the corner from the meeting. 

As usual, they chose their own table and picked a table toward the back of the diner.  They picked up the menu from the steel frame at the edge of the table and each man reviewed the menu, choosing something to eat.  It was comforting and normal to have this routine they shared together. 

After ordering, Cleo asked, "It seemed that you were going to share some things before the meeting, do you want to talk about anything?"

"I would say you were clairvoyant, but I did say a lot happened. I won't go into all the details, but after the Woody's incident, Justin called me on my way home.  He missed me too and wanted to come over.  I told him about the incident at Woody's and then proceeded to ask him to spend the night. It never occurred to me to ask before and I `used to hate waking up to a strange guy in my bed.  But I found it really nice.  In fact, he stayed the next three nights,"  Brian didn't go into details, feeling it was unnecessary.

"So what does that mean for you, Brian?"  Cleo asked, not wanting to guide Brian in his answers but rather leaving the question somewhat open-ended so he could decide how he wanted to answer it.

"In many ways, it feels like it's been a long time since we met up to talk about my aborted effort to visit Woody's and in other ways, it seems like just yesterday.  I know it's only been a few days but I think I've made some big breakthroughs in my journey.  When I think about Woody's I realize that I am strong.  I have power over my decisions and while I may always think about turning to the bottle when things get out of hand, I realize I am in control."

"You are in control and you get to choose if you will allow the liquor to control you,"  Cleo said, hoping Brian would be willing to continue talking and sharing about the last few days.

"I attended a meeting the other night and the topic was about dating and relationships.  Actually, there were two meetings back to back, different groups, but they were both talking about relationships and dating.  Bottom line, my takeaway is that you shouldn't start a relationship unless you are confident in your sobriety. I think that Woody's aborted visit gave me the confidence that I knew I could be in control of my destiny. I know, it's only 1 incident and there will be others.  But realizing that I made the decision to leave and call you makes me feel really strong and gives me confidence."

"It's good to hear you talk so positively about your journey.  So... I take it this means that you've made some decisions about dating?"  Cleo asked as the waitress delivered their food.

Brian waited until the waitress placed his plate on the table and cut a piece of meatloaf before saying, "Yes.  I feel I have a good handle on my sobriety and am ready to pursue dating Justin."

"We've talked a lot about dating and I've encouraged you to think about what you want from this relationship.  I assume from your statement that you have an answer to that question,"  Cleo said as he took a bite of his burger.  It was a little bland so he opened the ketchup bottle and put some sauce on the burger.  He took another small bite and nodded that the taste had improved.

"I've done a lot of thinking, writing, and even talked to Justin about that issue.  My answer is that I want him in my life and I miss him when he isn't there.  I can't answer if that means dating, living together, or marriage at some point in the future, but for right now, it means that I want to date him and see our relationship grow."  Brian smiled as he declared that he was in a dating relationship.  He would have never thought those words would come out of his mouth nor could he ever imagine that he would be eager to share this information with anyone, but he had changed and he was happy to talk about his new life.

"I'm happy for you.  You've been struggling ever since I met you in this area, trying to figure out if you were dating, if you wanted to date, what it meant to date, etc.  I'm really happy that you have worked through your thoughts and feelings.  Having a partner that cares for you is really important."

Brian ate some more of his meatloaf and said, "Yes,  And the feeling is mutual.  Justin likes me for who I am, not for what I can give him.  I like that too."  Brian and Cleo ate for a  little longer and then Brian asked, "Cleo are you married?  In a relationship?"

Cleo didn't usually volunteer anything about his personal life but if he were asked he was happy to share.  "Yes.  I've been married for 15 years."

"15 years.  Wow.  I am only now accepting that dating is something I want to pursue, I don't think I can wrap my head around being with the same person for 15 years,"  Brian said and then took another bite of his meatloaf.

Cleo laughed but then asked Brian,  "Why did you decide that you were okay with dating?"

"I realized that I miss Justin when I don't spend time with him,"  Brian answered quickly without a moment's hesitation.

"Okay.  So you decided that you like being with him and knowing that he is around, how do you think that would be different in 6 months, 12 months, next year, 5 years from now, etc?"  Cleo asked, challenging Brian's statement without being confrontational. 

"Oh,"  Brian said, realizing what Cleo was alluding to.  "You're saying that long-term relationships survive as the people still want to be together and like being around each other.  It sounds so easy, but is it really that simple?" 

"Being with another person is never easy.  It's similar to sobriety.  You have to work at it.  Every day you make a conscious decision to stay away from liquor and every day you make a conscious decision to stay with your partner,"  Cleo explained, going into more detail with Brian due to his lack of relationship history.

"Relationships are like sobriety? There are no 12-step groups for relationships.  If it were that hard, why would anyone stay together?"  Brian asked, finding the conversation very interesting.

"Let me back up.  Relationships are similar to AA but instead of being bad for you, they can be very good for you.  Studies show that men in relationships have better health and are generally happier than those who are single.  However, with relationships, you can't put everything on autopilot.  Sure, any person in recovery knows that the first drink is always around the corner.  There could be any trigger that makes us decide that drinking is okay and a good alternative to not drinking.  We are always aware that it exists. 

In that way, relationships are different.  I don't think anyone wakes up and says to themselves, today I'm going to stop wanting my significant other around.  But when two people are in a relationship they think about the other person. They consider their feelings, their likes, and dislikes.  It's a partnership and when two people are in a relationship, they have made the decision to be together, to share their lives.  Mind you, it doesn't mean that their lives have to be spent together 100% of the time, just that they want the other person to be in it." 

Cleo stopped talking and let his statements sink in for a bit before he continued.  He had talked about dating and relationships many times as a sponsor and each time it had a different take.  Sometimes he was talking about forgiveness and trust, helping his sponsoree understand how they needed to ask for forgiveness and regain the trust of their partner.  He'd help some people understand how their actions had hurt their partner and the relationship.  He'd also helped some individuals understand the dangers of jumping into a relationship too soon and on the other side of the coin being too scared to try a new relationship.  And then there were those people like Brian who had no reference regarding what a healthy relationship looked like and therefore no idea what maintaining one would entail. 

"Justin and I have talked about that a few times.  Dating is getting to know a person but a relationship goes further.  You want the person to be involved in your life.  You want to do things with them and share things with them.  I wanted to go to Justin's opening, not because I'm a huge art fan, but because I wanted to support him and see his work.  Prior to meeting Justin, I would never have gone to an opening and now I've been to two in the last 6 months."

"Right.  You wanted to support him.  You also struggled with not seeing him, even though you knew he was busy with work.  You missed him and almost chose to have a drink as a result.  But you chose sobriety instead.  Relationships take awareness and sometimes that is a lot of work, especially if you have never thought about another person's needs. That's what I mean when I say that they are a lot of work.  You do not need to be hyper-vigilant every waking moment, but you do need to think about your partner and they need to think about your needs as well,"  Cleo said, deciding that he had spoken enough.  He returned to his dinner and ate some salad, mixing the dressing into the large bowl.

Brian thought about Cleo's words as he finished his meal, not speaking but turning them around in his head.  When he was finished with his meatloaf and had drunk all of his coffee, he waved to the waitress to refill his coffee.  After she left he said,  "I guess everything in life is a lot of work.  I worked hard to get good grades so I could leave home and gain a scholarship to college.  I worked hard in college so I could get an excellent internship and a good job offer after graduation and I worked hard to start my business.  Now, I'm working hard to maintain my sobriety and it appears that I will have to work to keep my relationship going.  I never realized that hard work would be something I would willingly do outside my professional life."

"Are you happy with your life, Brian?"  Cleo asked, changing gears slightly.

Brian sat back in his chair, looking at Cleo, and wondered where he was going with the question.  "Sure.  I have a great business and a wonderful son. I'm sober and I evidently, am starting a relationship.  What isn't to be happy about?" Brian listed all the things that he was happy with, surprised at the long list.

"Would you have said you were happy before you stopped drinking?"

"I would have said yes, but I think that would be a half-truth.  I think that I thought I was happy, but now looking back I realize that what I thought was a great life was not.  I drank so that I didn't have to face all the things that I didn't like.  I didn't have a deep relationship with my son and I spent all my free time in bars and having sex,"  Brian answered honestly, somewhat surprised at the quickness of his response.

"You're happier now?"  Cleo asked, bringing his point to the center of the conversation.

"Sure.  I have a fuller life and a direction.  I like that,"  Brian said.

"Did you work hard to get here?"  Cleo asked.

"I get it.  Happiness takes work just like having a successful business or good grades.  I have to work at my own life not just let it slide,"  Brian took a drink of his coffee after putting sugar and cream in it making it a light brown color rather than the dark black it was when it was poured.

"Right.  How do you feel about that?  Is it scary?"  Cleo asked, pushing Brian to think a little more on the subject.

"Not really.  I mean I've been working on my sobriety for 10+ months.  I think it was scary at first, but I realized I have a lot of people who care about my success.  I've been dating for a few months now and while I just admitted to being in a relationship, I've slowly worked on that as well.  It's not like I'm going skydiving and jumping out of an airplane.  I also know that there will be bumps in the road and I believe that I have the skills to handle those bumps."  Brian said, proud of his accomplishments and glad that Cleo had brought up the topic. 

 "Good. But remember, there will be bumps in the road and I'm always here to help you with the bumps.  Life is messy, Brian.  Don't get overconfident and believe that there will never be another night where you find yourself in front of Woody's or a liquor store or at a banquet where there is liquor.  It will happen again and you need to think about your strategies and your skills so that you don't take that first drink,"  Cleo said, deciding that Brian was in a good place. 

"I think we are done for tonight and I would like to get home to my wife. All this talk about relationships has made me think about her."  Cleo waved toward the waitress and she brought the checks, placing them on the table.  Cleo picked them up and reviewed them quickly, giving Brian the one for the meatloaf and keeping the other.  They went to the front of the diner and paid their respective bills.

"Good night, Cleo, and thanks for the talk.  It was enlightening."  Brian said as he walked out of the restaurant.

"You're welcome.  See you next week and I will talk to you later this week."

Brian drove home, thinking about Cleo's talk and looking forward to talking with Justin again.  It was late, after 10:00 and while he was pretty certain that he was still awake he was not going to call him.  They had said it would be Tuesday and he would wait till tomorrow to see him. 

When he got home he placed his keys in the basket and decided he was ready for bed.  The last week had taken its toll on him and he was tired.  He got ready for bed and soon he was asleep.

The week went by quickly.  Justin and Brian hooked up at their Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday meeting.  After Thursday's meeting, they were cooking at Justin's apartment and discussing the upcoming dinner party. 

"Is Gus ready for dinner tomorrow? Molly called me today and verified the time and the address.  She's excited about coming.  She said it does feel a little weird coming to dinner at your house when you are dating me.  It's sort of like meeting the inlaws except she's already met you,"  Justin said, putting the last spices on the chicken before placing the pan in the oven.

" I hadn't thought about it that way, but if she is uncomfortable, she can always come at a different time,"  Brian said as he finished cutting up the broccoli and placing it in the steamer.

"No.  She's looking forward to it. She wants to meet Gus.  After all, he's kind of the reason we met.  Besides, as she puts it she wants to meet the kid that changed your life,"  Justin said, sharing the information with Brian.

"I guess I can see that.  I met her before I knew she was your sister.  Remember, I went to Boros Law to ensure I had rights to Gus.  It was only later that I realized that the painting hanging in their lobby was one of yours,"  Brian reminded Justin, giving him a light kiss on the lips as he placed the pot on the burner so the broccoli could steam later.  It was too early to put the broccoli on right now as it would be mush by the time the chicken was done.  They would put it on right as the timer went off for the chicken.  That way it would be lightly steamed as they were taking the chicken out and setting the table.  They had the steps down to a science.

"I know she'll love Gus.  He's a good kid.  I wonder how everyone else will react to Molly?  I've met everyone, but they've never met her.  I hope Lindsay will not start in on the art gallery stuff,"  Justin commented, moving to pour himself some coffee from the pot they had started earlier.

"Yeah, that shit she pulled calling your agent was pure Lindsay.  Always thinking that she has some magical pull over things and that she can influence people.  She loves to name drop,"  Brian said.  "But let's not talk about Lindsay right now.  I think we can come up with better things to do while the food cooks,"  Brian said as he pulled Justin to him, opening his mouth for a deep kiss.

Justin returned the kiss and enjoyed the scent and taste of Brian.  Pulling away, he said, "Let's turn down the chicken. This might take longer than the chicken to finish."

Brian reached for the control on the oven and turned it down to 250 from 350 and said, "That should keep it from turning into shoe leather and give us some time.  Let's move this out of the kitchen."

They moved to Justin's bedroom where they explored each other's bodies.  When they had both recovered from their intense orgasms, Brian asked, "Are you planning to stay tomorrow night after the dinner party?"

"I hoped you would ask.  Sure, I can stay.  If you take Gus to the store tomorrow afternoon, pick up some ingredients for pancakes and we can make them on Saturday morning,"  Justin said, rolling over to give Brian another kiss on the lips. "Thanks for not pushing this week for me to stay over every night.  While I love spending the night, I had a lot to do, but the weekend is clear.  It will be fun."  Justin's stomach rumbled and Brian laughed.  " I guess that means that we need to turn the heat up in the kitchen as well as the bedroom and eat."

Justin laughed and went to the bathroom, wet a cloth with warm water, and cleaned up.  Then he got a warm cloth for Brian and brought that to him as well.  Soon they were dressed and making the final prep for dinner. 

As Justin checked the chicken, he found that it was almost done as they had been in the bedroom for almost an hour.  Since it normally took only 30 minutes to cook fresh chicken, it was perfect timing.  They set the table and turned on the broccoli. By the time the broccoli was steamed, the chicken was done. 

They ate and talked about their day, enjoying each other's company.  Brian left at 10:00 and Justin said he would see him tomorrow.

Friday morning Gus was up earlier than normal and had poured his cereal and orange juice and was sitting at the table when Lindsay came down to the kitchen.

"You're up early.  Everything okay?"  She asked, surprised to see him this early on a school day.

"I'm just excited about the dinner tonight.  I can't wait for everybody to try my new dish and Emmett and I have a surprise dessert.  Justin and his sister Molly are going to be there and I can't wait to meet her.  Dad has taken her on a couple of fake dates, but this one won't be a fake date.  I can't wait for school to be out so Dad and I can go shopping for the food and Emmett and I can start cooking,"  Gus said as he finished his juice and started scooping some cereal on his spoon.

"Justin and Molly will be there.  How interesting,"  Lindsay said, already plotting ways to get to know Justin Taylor better.  This was a golden opportunity.  But Lindsay couldn't figure out why his sister would be invited.  This was new and she would have to do some digging.  She was glad that her day was light.  Maybe she could dig up something on this Molly.

"I packed my lunch and Tommy's mom is picking me up today.  It's her day for carpool.  Love you,"  Gus said and he was out the door before Lindsay could ask him any more questions.

She would just have to wait and Lindsay did not like waiting.

TBC

Chapter 22

Friday morning Gus was up earlier than normal and had poured his cereal and orange juice and was sitting at the table when Lindsay came down to the kitchen.

 "You're up early.  Everything okay?"  She asked, surprised to see him this early on a school day.

"I'm just excited about the dinner tonight.  I can't wait for everybody to try my new dish and Emmett and I have a surprise dessert.  Justin and his sister Molly are going to be there and I can't wait to meet her.  Dad has taken her on a couple of fake dates, but this one won't be a fake date.  I can't wait for school to be out so Dad and I can go shopping for the food and Emmett and I can start cooking,"  Gus said as he finished his juice and started scooping some cereal on his spoon.

"Justin and Molly will be there.  How interesting,"  Lindsay said, already plotting ways to get to know Justin Taylor better.  This was a golden opportunity.  But Lindsay couldn't figure out why his sister would be invited.  This was new and she would have to do some digging.  She was glad that her day was light.  Maybe she could dig up something on this Molly.

"I packed my lunch and Tommy's mom is picking me up today.  It's her day for carpool.  Love you,"  Gus said and he was out the door before Lindsay could ask him any more questions.

She would just have to wait and Lindsay did not like waiting.

Chapter 23

As Gus left for school and Lindsay went upstairs to talk to Melanie as she finished dressing. Since Melanie did not get into the office until after 9:00 Lindsay was responsible for getting Gus off to school in the morning and picking him up in the afternoons.  Lindsay frequently went to their bedroom after Gus left for school to have some uninterrupted time to talk to her wife.

While Lindsay was usually happy with the arrangement, It was sometimes a point of contention between them as Lindsay felt Melanie was not as vested in Gus' life and care as she purported to be. After all the discussions about children and how they wanted to raise a child together, Lindsay found that she often was the primary caregiver for Gus. When he was younger, they argued a lot about this area, but in the last few years, the arguments had lessened until recently when Brian decided to pay for Gus' care directly rather than give them money for him.  Melanie could look the other way when they were getting money for Gus and pretend that Lindsay was earning that money for the household.  Now that the money was not there, Melanie was again beginning to resent the arrangement. She loved Gus but as he got older and looked more like his father, her resentment grew. 

As Melanie thought about her upcoming day and the clients that she was supposed to see, her thoughts turned to the ridiculous dinner party that Gus had again invited them to. When Gus had invited them a few months ago, it had been a novel experience but even then they were cautious about the arrangements with Emmett to watch Gus while Brian went to AA.  They knew Emmett as he was part of their little group but his ability to safely watch Gus and to make sound decisions about the care of a 10-year-old was questionable.  Gus had raved about the time he spent with Emmett and while they weren't thrilled about him watching Gus, they felt that they didn't have much choice in the decision.  Brian had gone to significant lengths to guarantee his rights with Gus and as a lawyer, Melanie knew that Brian had rights that no court would take away just because he spent a few hours each week with a flaming queen learning to cook.  

But tonight was the second time that Gus had invited them to dinner.  The first time was a novelty but tonight made it more like a regular event.  While the food had been good and she appreciated that she didn't have to think about what to eat for dinner, the fact that they had to spend a free evening at dinner at Brian's home irked her. She thought about her current cases and wondered if she could come up with an excuse that she had to work on a case instead of attending this evening.  She quickly dismissed the idea but her resentment was still there.  She was not looking forward to the dinner, despite the fact that Gus was learning an invaluable skill and wanted to show his new skills off to his family.

As she finished buttoning her blouse, she heard Lindsay coming up the stairs.  She looked at the clock on her nightstand and saw that she had about 20 minutes before she needed to leave.  Unlike her thoughts about the dinner tonight, she enjoyed her time with Lindsay in the mornings after Gus left for school. There was a guarantee that there would be no interruptions from Gus and it was highly unlikely that anyone would call that early in the morning.

Lindsay came into their bedroom and said, "Gus told me that Justin and his sister will be coming to the dinner tonight."

Mel frowned at the abrupt start to the conversation and she could feel the annoyance regarding the dinner tonight increase.  "That's odd.  Gus has mentioned that Justin is around every weekend and he mentioned something about a show that he had, but he's never mentioned a sister.  I wonder why she is coming?"

"We talk while he's getting ready in the morning and share a lot of information.  It's a shame you aren't able to join us,"  Lindsay said, knowing that Melanie was very happy letting Lindsay take full responsibility for this chore.

Melanie chose to ignore Lindsay's thinly veiled jab, but instead said, "Maybe Brian is more serious about Justin than we thought.  Maybe inviting his sister is like introducing the in-laws."  Lindsay raised her eyebrows as she speculated about their relationship.

"I don't give a flying fuck about Brian and his relationships.  As Brian says, ‘Who I fuck is none of your business, unless it is you that I'm putting my dick in.'  I think he has the right idea.  Linds, he isn't your responsibility."  Melanie shrugged and walked into the closet to grab the coat of her suit off the hanger.  

"But if he is dating Justin and they break up, it could affect Gus.  Aren't you concerned about him?  He talks all the time about Justin and Brian,"  Lindsay said, wringing her hands.

Melanie turned toward her wife and said, "Lindsay, I don't know why it matters to you what that asshole does.  He has his own life and we have ours.  He's already stopped giving us money for Gus and he went to a lawyer to guarantee his rights to see Gus.  He's screwed us and unless you can figure out a way to change either of those things, I'd rather not spend my time talking about him.  I have many more interesting and fun things to think about.  Now, if you'll move, I have to get to work.  With this absurd dinner party that Gus insists we attend, I have to leave work early and I have a full day ahead of me."  Melanie walked out of the room, goes to the kitchen, grabs her briefcase, and walks out of the home.  She normally would grab a banana or a muffin for breakfast but she is too irritated to do so.  She got in her car and drove to Starbucks, grabbing a coffee and a breakfast sandwich to go.  

Meanwhile, Lindsay stood in their bedroom trying to figure out what happened to their conversation and how it went sideways. She wanted to talk to Melanie about Justin and his sister and their conversation had turned into another tirade about Brian his money and Gus.  She shrugged and realized that she needed to get to work.  She went downstairs, grabbed her phone, lunch, and purse, and left for work.  

When she got to work, she still thought about Justin and his sister and while Melanie had not wanted to engage in conversation regarding her thoughts on the subject, she wasn't ready to put the topic to rest. Looking at her calendar, she saw that she had two appointments that morning but that her afternoon was free.  Her first appointment wasn't until 11:00, so she booted up her computer and started searching for information on Justin and his sister.  

Gus had said her name was Molly so she started with a Google search on Molly Taylor.  Unfortunately, Molly Taylor was way too common a name so she changed her search to a search for Justin Taylor, an artist, but that also proved fruitless as there were at least 10 artists with that name.  She then went to the webpage of the venue where Justin had his latest show and found a short bio.  Unfortunately, there was nothing about his personal life and she hit her hand on the desk in frustration.  She couldn't call up his agent again as that had been a total bust the last time she had attempted it and she had run out of ideas regarding ways she could find out information.  When she looked at her clock, she realized that she had run out of time for her investigation and she would have to wait until this evening.  She made a list of questions to ask and at 10:55 am finally started her day at work.

******************************

Brian

Brian was so happy that it was Friday and was looking forward to the weekend.  He and Gus would pick up the food for his second dinner this afternoon and after dinner, Justin would spend the night.  He was surprised at the anticipation he had for the weekend.  Prior to his sobriety, he had not necessarily looked forward to the weekend.  His routine had been going to work, going to Woody's, and then to Babylon and picking up as many tricks as he desired.  On weekends, he often worked on Saturday morning and even Sunday morning, and the only differentiation to his routine would be that he would hang out at the gym or with the guys a little longer on the weekend. The evenings and early mornings all blurred together and one weekend was just like another.  He remembered those times, but they were quickly becoming a blurred memory as he continued his sobriety.  Now his nights involved attending an AA meeting followed by dinner with Justin and occasionally Cleo.  He was learning to cook, thanks to Justin's tutelage and finding that he looked forward to a chore that he'd always found tedious and uninteresting.  In addition, he looked forward to the weekends as he now spent them with Gus.  He was deepening his relationship with his son and now he was dating.  Who would have thought he'd ever say those words or even think them without cringing?   He smiled at the thought of Justin and leaned back in his chair as he thought of all the changes in his life in the last 10 months. Justin had been instrumental in those changes but as Justin often reminded him, he had done the work and it was his choice to make the changes.  He was lost in his memories but was interrupted in his journey down memory lane by a knock on his door.

Brian said, "Come." Ted walked into the room.

"Dinner is at 5:30, right?  Is there anything we should bring?  I'm excited that Blake will be joining us this time.  He has a rare early Friday and he's excited to meet Justin."

"Really?"  Brian said, raising his eyebrows as he quickly thought back to the last ten months and realized that Ted's statement was true.  Justin was such a big part of his life and he had talked to Ted about him numerous times, it seemed like everyone should be familiar with him. "I guess he hasn't met him, but why would he be interested?"

"I guess it is interesting to meet the man that helped tame the great ‘Brian Kinney'.  While Blake and I do not frequent Babylon, anyone who has spent any length of time on Liberty Avenue has heard about the legendary Brian Kinney.  Even though you haven't been tricking since you got sober, your name still comes up as the Stud of Liberty Avenue.  Blake is interested in meeting the man who not only helped you with your sobriety but also started a relationship with you. It's impressive to see the changes in your life."

"I'm surprised that my Stud status still stands considering no one has seen me in Babylon for almost a year," Brian said, shrugging his shoulders.  He thought about Justin and wondered how he would react to this conversation.  Since it had only been less than a week since they had moved to the next level, they really hadn't spoken about what that might look like in the future.  He shuddered when he thought about yet another conversation that would be added in the near future.  

"Something wrong, Bri," Ted asked as he saw Brian shudder.

Brian was quick to answer.  "No.  Just thinking about Babylon and what I used to be like when I was drinking."  

Ted nodded in acceptance, but he wondered if Brian was telling him the entire truth about his comment.  "Okay.  I know you have a busy day as you leave early to pick up Gus.  I'll leave you to your work.  See you later,"  Ted said and walked out of Brian's office.

Brian thought about his recent discussion with Justin when he reached for the condom.  He remembered he needed to buy more and made a note to stop by the store before he picked up Gus.  At almost 11, Gus knew what condoms were for, but he wasn't ready to go into that discussion with him.  

*********

Gus

Gus was so excited about his second dinner party that he had a lot of trouble concentrating at school.  He didn't want to get in trouble with his teachers so he tried with some success to pay attention to his lessons and complete his homework in study hall.  He didn't want to have to spend time this weekend doing homework and miss out on some new adventure with his Dad and Justin.  He was really excited about cooking breakfast with Justin and his father.  Justin had promised him they would make pancakes.  He had helped Justin make omelets last weekend but pancakes were more complicated, or at least he thought they were.  He remembered last weekend when his Dad had asked about Justin spending the night.  He'd had a lot of time to think about that conversation and hoped it meant that Justin and his Dad were together.  He had talked to his friend Tommy a lot in the last few months about Tommy's Dad and what it was like to have him date.  Tommy said his Dad was a lot happier when he had a lady in his life.  While his dad didn't like women, Gus thought his dad was pretty happy with Justin around.  He'd been thinking about what the three of them could do on Saturday and had a few ideas.  He couldn't wait to talk to Justin and his Dad about his options.  

He ran out of the building when the last bell rang, hoping his Dad was in the front of the line.  He spotted his Dad about 4 cars back and he impatiently waited while the cars inched forward to pick up his fellow schoolmates.  When Brian drove up, Gus quickly opened the back door, throwing his backpack onto the floorboards, and then got in the front seat, put on his seatbelt, and said, "Hi Dad, I've got my list all written out and I can't wait for tonight."  

"Woah.  Slow down, Gus.  We are not in a race.  We bought a lot of the ingredients last weekend, so we just have to get the ingredients for the pancakes and pick up fresh chicken.  It should only take about 30 minutes and then Emmett said he'd meet us at 4:15 at the Loft."

"I'm so excited. Thank you for letting me have another dinner. Do you know that Emmett said it is a debut?  He told me all about how girls used to go to big parties to come out.  Sounds really weird. I'm glad I'm not a girl.  When are Justin and his sister coming?  I can't wait to meet her.  I bet she is really cool, like Justin,"  

Brian grinned at Gus' stream of consciousness.  He found that talking to him was delightful.  "Leave it to Emmett to know the history of debutante balls,"  Brian said as he shook his head in amusement.  "I told Molly that the dinner started at 5:30 so I imagine she'll get her a little before that time.  As for Justin, I don't know if he'll come early or not."

"Is he having a sleepover again?  He said we'd make pancakes.  Remember we have to buy the stuff for them today,"  Gus said, reminding Brian of their discussion last weekend.

"Yes, he is staying over again and I have the list of ingredients that we made last weekend." 

"Awesome.  I'm so excited about tonight.  I can't wait to meet Molly,"  Gus said, almost bouncing in his seat."

"All right, Sonny Boy.  Let's make this quick.  You have a dinner to cook and I know you want everything to be great,"  Brian said as he undid his seatbelt and opened the door.  

Gus did the same and they walked into the grocery. They quickly gathered their purchases and were back in the car in 20 minutes.  Brian drove home and they took the bags of food up to the Loft.  As they were unloading them, the buzzer rang.

Gus went to the door, hoping it was Emmett, and asked, "Who is it?" into the call button.

Emmett said, "It's me, Gus.  Buzz me up."

Emmett heard the buzz allowing him to go up and he rode the elevator to the loft.  Gus greeted him at the door as the elevator reached the floor.  

"Emmett, you're here.  Dad and I bought all the stuff for tonight and Justin's sister is coming to dinner too.  So, do you think we have enough food for her?"

Emmett raised his eyebrows at this news but didn't comment on the new guest.  Instead, he just said, "Absolutely.  A good cook always plans for hungrier guests and a little extra for leftovers.  But we don't have time to dilly dally, we need to get cookin'."  Emmett went into the kitchen and was pleased to see that Gus had all the ingredients out on the counter and was ready to start immediately.  

"I'll leave you two cooks to your haute cuisine and I'm going to grab a quick shower,"  Brian said as he walked out of the kitchen.

"What's haute cuisine?"  Gus asked.

"It's a fancy word for cooking.  Your father is just being silly."  Emmett explained.

"Oh. Sometimes Dad is a real showoff. Whatever.  Dad, go shower and we're going to cook a fabulous meal,"  Gus said waving his hand in a shooing motion toward his father's bedroom.  Turning to Emmett, he said, "Okay, let's get started."

Gus and Emmett had become friends and Gus had shared a lot of information with Emmett through the months that they had been cooking.  While he talked to his moms and his dad about a lot of things, Emmett wasn't his parent and he'd become a trusted adult, one he could share things with without worrying it would get back to his parents.

As Gus took the chicken out of the tray, he washed each piece before laying it in the glass baking dish.  "Emmett, did you know that Justin is spending the night again and he said we'd make pancakes in the morning?  I like Justin and Dad does too.  Dad said they are dating.  Do you like Justin?"

Emmett was not surprised by Gus' statement about Justin spending the night but he was a little taken aback about Gus asking his opinion of Justin. "I like Justin, but it's not up to me or you to decide.  Brian is the one who is important in that decision."

"But he asked me if it was alright if Justin spent the night last weekend.  He said that if I was uncomfortable with it or didn't want him to spend the night then he would tell Justin he couldn't do it," Gus said, sharing a little of the conversation with Emmett.

"And you said yes, otherwise he would not be repeating the overnight stay,"  Emmett said, silently giving kudos to Brian for asking Gus but even more for moving forward with a relationship.

"Yeah, I said yes.  I like Justin.  He's teaching me all about photography and he had me and Dad make a list of all the things to do in Pittsburgh and we've been going through the list.  It's given us lots of things to do together and I think Dad is really enjoying exploring the city too.  We went to see his art last weekend.  Mom was always trying to get me to go to the art gallery but she never made it interesting.  Justin has shown me how to look at stuff and see it.  Did you know that photography is all about where you take the picture?  If you take the picture from the side or the ground or on top of the thing, it takes on a whole different look.  Dad bought me a phone so I could have a camera and Justin has shown me how to use it."  After washing each chicken piece he carefully dipped each one into an egg wash and then carefully placed them into the baking dish being careful not to drip egg on the counter.

"He's been teaching Dad how to cook too.  After their meetings, they have been cooking dinner together.  While Dad isn't nearly the good cook that you are, he can now do more than make me some toast."  Gus finished dipping all the chicken and then searched the spices for the panko crumbs so he could sprinkle them on top of the chicken.  "We sometimes cook together on Friday night when he picks me up from school.  I like going to the diner and getting big juicy hamburgers and milkshakes, but Dad says that food is really bad for you.  So now, we sometimes pick up a few things and cook at home. I never cook with my moms.  It's something I do just with Dad."  Gus reviewed the recipe and carefully measured out the spices like Emmett had shown him, and then sprinkled them on top of the chicken.

"Brian is learning to cook and Justin is teaching him.  Interesting.  And Justin was the one who had you guys make the list of all the things to do in the Pitts.  He seems to have helped your Dad make a lot of changes in his life,"  Emmett commented, seeing how enmeshed Brian and Justin truly were.  He wondered if Justin knew about the aborted Woody's visit, but since Brian had told him that it was a result of missing Justin, he thought Justin knew.  This was all very interesting and he was happy to see that his friend was really moving forward with his relationship.  

"Yeah.  He has.  I love Dad and while I never really knew that he drank, I really like all the changes.  I love spending time with him on the weekends and Justin is so cool.  I even invited his sister tonight.  Her name is Molly.  Remember, she is the one Dad takes on the fake dates when he goes to see Justin's stuff.  I thought it would be cool to meet his fake date.  I like Justin and I bet his sister is cool too.  Have you ever met Molly? What a funny name.  I've never met a Molly before,'  Gus commented as he finished coating the chicken with spices and reviewed their recipe.   "I think we're ready to put it in the oven.  How'd I do?"  Gus asked, hoping for approval from Emmett.

"Perfect.  The chicken is going to be delicious.  While it's cooking we can make the vegetables and rice,"  Emmett said as he picked up the pan of chicken and placed it in the oven.  A wave of heat hit him as he opened the oven door.  After closing the door, he said, "Woosh.  That was hot.  I never cease to be amazed at how much heat hits my face when I open an oven door."  He fanned himself with his hand a few times and then said, "Okay, now for the sides."

Gus got out the cutting board and the sharp knife, making cuts on the broccoli stalks to cut them down into small pieces. "Is this the right size?"  Gus asked, picking up one of the pieces.

"Perfect,"  Emmett said, nodding his head.  "Just curious, Gus.  Why did you want to invite Molly to the dinner?"

Gus shrugged as he continued cutting the broccoli and putting it in the bowl.  "I don't know but I guess I wanted to meet her.  I mean, she's kind of like family and I know all the family."  

"I see.  I bet she'll be great.  If your Dad takes her on fake dates, she must be okay.  He doesn't do things he doesn't want to do.  I like that about your Dad."

"Yeah, he tells me that all the time when I ask him if something is okay to do.  I wish I could only do the things that I want to do. I don't like cleaning my room and chores are a pain.  But Emmett, I'll tell you a secret.  That's only at my moms.  I clean my room here and Dad has certain chores for me too.  I don't mind when I'm here.  He makes it fun.  I guess when I'm at my moms it feels different."  Gus smiles as he finishes cutting up the broccoli stalks.  "Now, let me see if I remember.  We cook the broccoli first and then we put it in a bag with all the ingredients and then toss them together?"

Emmett nodded and said, "Perfect.  You're going to be an excellent chef. But we won't put the broccoli up until the guests start arriving.  It should be really fresh.  Let's start the rice on the stove and then make the butter sauce."  Emmett got out the saucepan and measured out the water and rice, placing them on the burner.  

Gus got out the spices and the frying pan to cook the spices and butter.  He carefully measured out the butter, placed it in the pan,  and turned the burner on to melt the butter.  Then he measured the spices of garlic, basil, parsley, oregano, red chili flake, salt, and pepper.  When the butter was melted he placed the spices in the pan and tossed them for a minute.  He turned the burner off while he waited for the rice to cook.

While they were waiting for the rice and chicken to cook, they made dessert.  Gus had decided on a lemon trifle which was made from angel food cake and crushed Oreos.  Emmett had assured him that the chocolate and lemon flavors would be good together and it was easy to make but looked really pretty.  Since Gus loved Oreos, he thought that was a good choice.

"Emmett, do you think that Dad and Justin will continue going to a meeting every Saturday?"  Gus asked.  "I want to continue learning to cook with you and if they stop going to meetings..."

"I don't know, but I bet your Dad would still let us cook together.  I think if they stopped attending meetings, they could use that time to just hang out while we cooked dinner," Emmett said, suggesting a solution.  He loved that Gus wanted to continue cooking with him, regardless of Brian's attendance at meetings.  "But for now, we'll just continue cooking until it changes.  Best not to worry about it unless there is something to change."

"Do you think they will get married someday?  I mean Ted and Blake are married and Momma and Mom are married.  Debbie is married too.  That would be cool for me to have two moms and two Dads.  My friend Tommy has two moms and two dads, but his moms are married to guys," Gus asked, thinking that this arrangement would be advantageous.

"Umm, I don't know Gus.  Marriage is a big step. Your Dad and Justin have only been dating for a little bit,"  Emmett tried to answer the question without providing any definitive answer.  "Why do you ask?"

"Dad seems really happy when he's with Justin.  He was really sad when Justin was busy with his show and couldn't hang out with us.  If they were married, he'd be able to hang out with him more," Gus explained.  

"Gus, there is a lot more to marriage than hanging out with another person.  When you're married....  Well there is just a lot more than that,"  Emmett said, wanting to respond to his inquiry but also wanting to temper his response.  He did not feel comfortable judging Brian and Justin's relationship in terms of a long-term commitment.  "I think the rice is ready to be added to the herbs.  Why don't you turn the burner on and heat the herbs for about 30 seconds and then I'll dump the rice in while you stir?" Emmett said as he was thankful that prepping for dinner could be the topic of conversation.

Gus turned on the burner and heated up the butter mixture. "Emmett, tell me more about marriage.  I mean, Mom and Momma just hang out together, and then they had me.  Do people get married to have kids?  I wonder if my Dad would want a kid with Justin?  I know they couldn't actually have kids as guys can't have kids.  I know the story of how Dad helped Mom and Momma make me.  But that would be cool, you know.  Having a brother or sister."

Brian finished his shower and walked toward the kitchen as Gus finished his statement about having a sibling and Brian stopped just outside the door to listen to the conversation.

"Gus, I'm not married so I can't really answer that question. I'd first have to find someone who I'd want to be with for the long haul.  As for your Dad and Justin, well.... I think you should just wait and see what happens.  If you're really curious about marriage, maybe talk to your moms or Ted and Blake,"  Emmett said, hoping that Gus would not ask him any more questions.  He loved hanging out with Gus and sharing life stuff, but up till now it was mostly frivolous stuff like who he played with on the playground and what he and Brian did over the weekend.  Sometimes he talked about stuff that he learned from Justin or Brian, but usually, it was nothing intense like today's discussion.  He heard Brian open his bedroom door, signaling he was done with his shower, and he hoped Brian would return quickly.

Brian was thankful for Emmett's responses and made his way into the kitchen.  "What is this about a brother or sister?  Since when did you want a sibling?"  Brian asked, joking about the statement.  

Gus was a little startled that his father heard his last comment, but he never kept his thoughts to himself, especially when it came to his interactions with his Dad.  "I was asking Emmett if you and Justin would get married and maybe want a kid.  I think I'd like a little brother or sister,"  Gus said as he stirred the rice into the herb mixture.  

"Gus we just talked about this. Remember, I said that Justin and I were dating and at this point, anything more was not on the table.  As for a brother or sister, I don't think so.  One of you is enough,"  Brian said, quickly silencing Gus' request.  "The food smells great.  I don't want to know what's in it.  I can just feel the fat cells attaching themselves to my body."  Brian looked at the clock above the stove.  I'll leave you two cooks to finish cooking.  Gus, I'm sure your debut will be fabulous," Brian said, using Emmett's words.  He walked out of the kitchen and went to the computer to finish responding to some emails that he hadn't gotten to this afternoon.

TBC

Chapter 23Gus turned on the burner and heated up the butter mixture. "Emmett, tell me more about marriage.  I mean, Mom and Momma just hang out together, and then they had me.  Do people get married to have kids?  I wonder if my Dad would want a kid with Justin?  I know they couldn't actually have kids as guys can't have kids.  I know the story of how Dad helped Mom and Momma make me.  But that would be cool, you know.  Having a brother or sister."
Brian finished his shower and walked toward the kitchen as Gus finished his statement about having a sibling and Brian stopped just outside the door to listen to the conversation.
"Gus, I'm not married so I can't really answer that question. I'd first have to find someone who I'd want to be with for the long haul.  As for your Dad and Justin, well.... I think you should just wait and see what happens.  If you're really curious about marriage, maybe talk to your moms or Ted and Blake,"  Emmett said, hoping that Gus would not ask him any more questions.  He loved hanging out with Gus and sharing life stuff, but up till now it was mostly frivolous stuff like who he played with on the playground and what he and Brian did over the weekend.  Sometimes he talked about stuff that he learned from Justin or Brian, but usually, it was nothing intense like today's discussion.  He heard Brian open his bedroom door, signaling he was done with his shower, and he hoped Brian would return quickly.
Brian was thankful for Emmett's responses and made his way into the kitchen.  "What is this about a brother or sister?  Since when did you want a sibling?"  Brian asked, joking about the statement.  
Gus was a little startled that his father heard his last comment, but he never kept his thoughts to himself, especially when it came to his interactions with his Dad.  "I was asking Emmett if you and Justin would get married and maybe want a kid.  I think I'd like a little brother or sister,"  Gus said as he stirred the rice into the herb mixture.  
"Gus we just talked about this. Remember, I said that Justin and I were dating and at this point, anything more was not on the table.  As for a brother or sister, I don't think so.  One of you is enough,"  Brian said, quickly silencing Gus' request. 
"The food smells great.  I don't want to know what's in it.  I can just feel the fat cells attaching themselves to my body."  Brian looked at the clock above the stove.  I'll leave you two cooks to finish cooking.  Gus, I'm sure your debut will be fabulous," Brian said, using Emmett's words.  
He walked out of the kitchen and went to the computer to finish responding to some emails that he hadn't gotten to this afternoon.


Chapter 24
He finished responding to the last email when the buzzer rang.  He walked over to the intercom and asked who it was.
"It's Molly. Can I come up?"
Brian said, "Sure" and buzzed her up.  He opened the door and waited for the elevator to come up to the top floor and for her to step out.  He ushered her inside and then closed the sliding door.  
"Welcome to my home,"  Brian said as he waved a hand in an arc.
"Thank you for inviting me.  Normally I would have brought a bottle of wine, but since that wasn't appropriate, I brought these," she said as she handed Brian a bouquet of flowers. 
"Have a seat and I'll see if Emmett can find something to put them in," Brian said as he walked into the kitchen.  "Tell me I own something that I can put these in.  I'm not exactly a flower person,"  Brian said as he thrust the bouquet into Emmett's hand.
Emmett said, "Oh they're lovely.  I think I remember a tall pitcher that we could use."  He opened the cabinets and found the pitcher.  He filled it with water and placed the flowers inside  "I'll just have to buy you a proper vase the next time I go shopping.  Every home needs a vase."  Emmett placed the makeshift vase on the counter and said, "Oh, does that mean that Molly is here?  No one else would bring flowers.  I must go introduce myself."  Emmett dried his hands on the kitchen towel hanging from the oven door and quickly walked out to the living room.
"Molly's here,"  Gus said and ran out to the living room where he promptly walked up to her.  "Hi.  I'm Gus.  I like Justin."
Molly said, "Nice to meet you.  I understand you're the reason that I'm here tonight.  Justin told me that you are cooking dinner.  It smells delicious."  She could see where Justin would like to hang out with the boy. He was obviously charmed by Justin. 
A tall man in tangerine pants and a matching top walked out of the kitchen area.  He reached for Molly, gave her a hug, and said, "I'm Emmett."
She was surprised by the hug but she remembered Justin talking about Emmett as the person who watched Gus while Brian and Justin went to their weekly AA meeting on Saturday night.  "I've heard about you.  You're teaching Gus to cook and tonight we're going to enjoy a home-cooked meal.  I've been looking forward to it all week."
"I did all the cooking tonight, even picked out the menu.  Emmett just did the big stuff, like putting the pan in the oven and picking up the pan with all the chicken in it.  It's still a little hard for me to do that stuff," Gus said, explaining Emmett's limited role.
"I'm sure it will be great.  Justin has raved about the meals you guys prepare on Saturday night. I can tell you nothing tastes better than a meal that you did not have to cook,"  Molly said.  "Can I help with anything?"
Gus shook his head and said, "Nope.  You look a lot like Justin.  Are you an artist too?"
Brian said, "Gus, you can talk to Molly but do you need to do anything more in the kitchen? Everybody else should be here shortly."
"Oh yeah.  We got to cook the broccoli and I think the chicken is almost done.  We have to take it out of the oven on time or it will be overcooked.  Thanks, Dad.  I'm just really excited about meeting Justin's sister."
"I promise we can talk at dinner, Gus.  I'll just sit here with your Dad while we wait for the other people to arrive,"  Molly said, giving him a warm smile. 
Gus and Emmett returned to the kitchen to complete the final prep for dinner.  
"He's adorable.  He looks like a mini you. I'm surprised Jus isn't here yet," Molly said as she sat down on the couch.  "You have a beautiful home."
"Justin texted me a bit ago, stating he would be here soon.  He's talking to his agent about a possible new commission.  Evidently, the show last week garnered some real traffic and now he's got requests for several new pieces.  The bain of success,"  Brian said tongue in cheek. 
"I'm so excited for him.  His career is really taking off.  I remember when he was a struggling artist.  Of course, sobriety helped his success a lot.  He really screwed himself when he was drunk all the time.  Hard to paint if you are not functioning." Molly frowned, unsure if she had said too much. She knew that Justin had originally been Brian's sponsor but she did not know if he knew about the dark time in Justin's life when he was struggling with his sobriety and his painting.
"He's told me about that time in his life.  We've both worked hard for our sobriety.  I'm glad he has you on his side,"  Brian said, sensing her unease and assuring her that he was aware of the time
Molly was relieved and smiled at Brian, enjoying talking with him about Justin.  Molly didn't like to talk about that time in Justin's life as she knew it was painful for him to discuss. 
While Justin sometimes spoke with their mother, he was still slightly estranged from her and he did not talk to their father. As a result, her relationship with their parents was awkward at best, but she had decided a long time ago to support her brother.  Since he was unusually reticent about talking about that time in his life, she had no one to share her thoughts and feelings with until she met Brian.  Not only had Justin been Brian's sponsor, but they were also now dating.  As always, Molly felt the world worked in mysterious ways and while she didn't believe in fate, she was excited that Justin and Brian had found each other and were developing a relationship.  
"I know Justin is coming tonight, but who else will be here?"  Molly asked, hoping that some of the guests would arrive soon.
"There's Gus' moms.  They are the ones that I contacted Boros about.  I wanted to ensure my access to him was solid.  Then there is Ted and Blake.  Ted is my CFO and Blake is his partner.  And to round out the table, there is Debbie.  Debbie is my surrogate mom,"  Brian listed all the people as he touched his fingers from his left hand to his right hand.  
Before she could respond, the buzzer rang again, announcing a new guest.  Brian walked over to the intercom and pushed the button.  "Let me up, I've got my hands full with a tuna casserole."
Molly looked at Brian with confusion but didn't say anything. 
Brian chimed in, "That's Debbie.  She can't come empty-handed to any family event, even if it's billed as a dinner. I'll just put the casserole in the freezer and we'll eat it later,"  Brian explained.
Brian buzzed her up and opened the door for her so she could just walk in. After entering the loft, she took a quick look around and spotted Molly sitting on the sofa.
"You may have changed a lot in the last year, Brian but I don't think you've started batting for the other team.  Who is the pretty blond sitting on your couch?  Don't tell me you've started taking in strays,"  Debbie said, putting down the casserole on the island.
Brian shook his head and raised his eyebrows.  "Debbie, this is Molly Taylor.  She is Justin's sister and Gus invited her to join us this evening."
Turning toward Molly, he said, "Molly, this is Debbie. Debbie play nice.  I'll go put this in the freezer."  Brian picked up the casserole and took it into the kitchen.
Molly stood up and reached out her hand to shake Debbie's hand, but instead of a handshake, Debbie pulled her into a bear hug, squeezing tightly.  Molly felt the wind almost knocked out of her and attempted to pull away.  She wasn't sure what to make of Debbie. "Nice to meet you."
"Ma, you're gonna scare her for life.  Let her go,'  Brian said, chastising Debbie as he entered the room.  
Debbie released her and sat down on the couch.  Molly sat down as well.  "So you're Justin's sister.  I've only met him once, at the last dinner but he seems nice enough.  Gus talks about him a lot."
"Thank you,"  Molly said.  She was feeling extremely awkward and wondering if this had been a good idea.  She knew Brian and Justin, but no one else, and being invited to a family dinner seemed innocent enough.  Now she was having second thoughts. 
The buzzer rang again and Brian let up more guests.  This time it was Blake and Ted.  After introductions, they sat down on the couch and chair respectively.  Ted remembered meeting Justin at the last dinner and he had been having regular talks with Brian about relationships and sobriety.  While he did not know Molly, he felt he had at least more than a passing knowledge of Justin. While Debbie had met Justin at the first dinner Gus had, Blake had not met Justin, even though he had heard Ted talk about him in relation to Brian's sobriety and now about their budding relationship.  
Ted said, "Brian told me he was taking you to see Justin's latest show.  I know nothing about art, but he seemed to enjoy it." Blake added, "To me, anyone who can create is amazing.  I think writers, artists, and singers all have special talents.  Creativity is not something you can learn."
"I'm so proud of Justin.  He always wanted to be an artist and is now living his dream.  It is amazing to me when I look at his work and think about the creativity involved to make something someone else wants to buy.  I think I'm doing good to get the colors right for my makeup,"  Molly said, feeling very comfortable with praising Justin's talents.
Emmett had walked into the room, right before Molly made her last statement and said, "Oh, don't I know it.  Finding just the right shade of green and purple has been my downfall for years.  Why just the other day, I...."  Emmett was interrupted by the buzzer.
"That must be Mom and Momma," Gus said, having followed Emmett into the room. 
"Brian let us up. We had to park on the side of the street instead of the garage since some jerk was getting furniture delivered and the truck was blocking the entrance,"  Melanie said, obviously angry at the inconvenience.
Gus pushed the buzzer and opened the door, waiting for his mothers.  As they walked through the entrance, Gus said, "Mom, Momma that's Molly.  She's Justin's sister. She has blonde hair just like him.  She goes on fake dates with Dad so guys don't pick her up at Justin's show."  Looking around the living room, he noticed that Justin wasn't there.  
"Dad, where's Justin?  He said he was coming, right?  We bought all the stuff to make pancakes in the morning,"  Gus asked, not realizing that sharing this little tidbit might not be the best idea. 
Brian said, "He'll be here shortly.  He had to meet with his agent.  He texted me a little bit ago, saying he was on his way."  Immediately after Brian spoke the buzzer rang again.  "That's probably him.  Why don't you go see?"  he asked Gus.
Gus went to the buzzer and asked who it was and Justin told him it was him.  Gus buzzed him up and opened the door for him.
When Justin got out of the elevator, he walked into the loft and gave Gus a big hug.  He searched the room for Brian and walked over to him to give him a quick kiss on the lips and then searched for Molly whom he also gave a quick hug to.  
Gus said, "Cool, everybody is here.  Let's eat."  he waved everyone toward the table.  
"Should we sit anywhere in particular, Gus?"  Blake asked.  
"Just at the table.  But I'm going to sit next to Dad and I guess Molly will want to sit next to Justin,"  Gus said.  He hadn't thought about where everyone should sit.  "Aunty Emm, do you tell people where to sit when you do your fancy parties?"
"I don't tell them, but sometimes the host does set out cards telling people what table they will be at.  If you do that then you can oftentimes avoid having people who don't like each other sitting at the same table,"  Emmett explained.
"Weird.  I would think people could figure out not to sit at the table with people they don't like.  Grown-ups are funny,' Gus said, shaking his head.  "Sit wherever you want.  Emmett and I will be out with the food in a minute."  
Everyone found a seat.  Lindsay was eager to sit next to Molly to try and glean some information about Justin but when people started finding their places, Molly chose to sit next to Justin and Blake had claimed the seat on her other side.  Ted sat next to Blake and Melanie sat on his other side.  Lindsay ended up sitting between Melanie and Debbie.  Next to Debbie Emmett found a seat. Gus sat next to Emmett on one side and Brian on the other side.  This left Brian sitting next to Justin.  So the oval table looked like this:
Molly, Blake, Ted, Melanie, Lindsay, Debbie, Emmett, Gus, Brian, and Justin.  
Lindsay's plan to be either next to or across from Molly was foiled as she ended up being on the same side of the table from her as Melanie.  She was enough of a WASP that talking behind or in front of other people at the table was something that felt unnatural and strange.  She hoped after dinner maybe she could glean some information from her; however, she was somewhat across from Justin and maybe could learn a little more about him.  
Gus and Emmett brought out the chicken, rice, and broccoli.  "I made chicken, rice, and broccoli and for dessert, we have a Lemon trifle.  Leave room for it as it is fabulous,"  Gus said as he sat down and waved his hand encouraging everyone to eat.  Emmett had told him that at most formal events the plates are already made up but for more casual events like dinner tonight, the food is typically brought out and folks help themselves.  Everybody busied themselves with taking some food from each platter.
"It looks delicious, Gus.  I bet you and Emmett make some great dishes.  I envy Brian and Justin for having the two of you cook every week.  I wish I had a cook,"  Blake said.   
"Thank you," Gus said.
Molly took a small portion of everything and cut a small piece of chicken and placed it in her mouth.  The flavors exploded as she chewed and swallowed.  "Wow.  I wish I could cook like this.  Maybe I need to get lessons from Emmett.  I bet I'd stop eating takeout so much if my meals turned out like this."
Lindsay ate some chicken and said, "This is good.  Maybe we should have you cook dinner at home.  It sure would save us a lot of time.  Maybe this could be your new chore." 
"I agree.  Mom and I hate cooking.  You could take over anytime.  It would be a nice change of pace."
Brian could feel his aggravation building and said, "Lindsay, he is not your personal chef.  He still needs some supervision in the kitchen. He can't lift the pans on his own and while he's gotten really good at using knives, he is not ready to cook unsupervised.  A few nice meals do not mean he is ready to do the family cooking."
"Gus is a great cook, but he's still a kid.  He shouldn't be cooking every meal.  He should be out there playing with his friends,"  Debbie chimed in, frowning at their suggestion.  
Lindsay said, "I was only teasing.  Of course, he shouldn't be cooking us dinner."  She backtracked her previous statement, realizing too late that her comments would not be seen in a positive light. She silently told herself that she could still have Gus cook some of his own meals when they were busy or didn't feel like cooking since no one would be around to monitor it.  She resented Brian telling her what Gus could and couldn't do as she was his mother and he lived with her and Melanie.  She started to say something but stopped herself as she didn't want to argue in front of Molly, still hoping to get some dirt on Justin.
Debbie said, "Gus, this is good.  I think I started learning to cook by famous Puttanesca when I was just a little older than you.  Maybe, you could come over earlier on Sundays and I could teach you how to make Puttanesca.  I'd be passing down a family tradition since we all know that Michael would never be interested in learning to cook."  The mention of Michael was a little uncomfortable for almost everyone at the table, except Gus who had been shielded from the ongoing disagreements between his Dad and him.
"That would be fun, Grandma.  I bet Dad could drop me off early a few times.  Besides, it would give him and Justin some alone time.  I bet he'd like that,"  Gus chimed in.
Brian did not like being mentioned, even if Gus' comment was innocent.  He knew Gus liked him and Justin spending time together and thought Gus was just trying to encourage their relationship.  
"If that is what you want to do, sure we could arrange for you to go to Debbie's a little early on Sunday.  What time do you start cooking, Deb?"  Brian asked.
"Oh.  Well, I guess I start at about 3:30.  You already drop him off at about 4:30, so just an hour earlier should be good.  Do you want to come this weekend, Gus?"
Gus looked at Justin and his father for any sign that this weekend wouldn't work, but his father nodded his head in agreement.  "Yeah.  Two times cooking dinner in one week.  I bet I'll get good enough to cook on my own even faster."
Everyone ate for a few minutes, enjoying the food and not wanting to add any tension to the meal.  When no one was talking, Lindsay decided she would try to start a conversation.
"Justin, how was your show?  Gus said you took him to see it last weekend.  I'm amazed as he never was interested in attending any of the gallery shows, despite my best cajoling,"  Lindsay asked, innocently.
"Great.  I was late tonight as I had a meeting with my agent about three commissions that might come my way as a result of people seeing my work.  I've already sold almost everything.  It was a unique show as the pieces are on showcase for the month, but can be bought at any time.  The agreement was for the pieces to be ready for the fundraiser, but had to stay displayed for the month.  I think there is only 1 small piece that hasn't sold.  My agent is really excited about the talk that my work generated,"  Justin said, explaining the process to everyone at the table who might not understand how the charity show worked.  It was the first time he's been involved in this type of function as well and he'd been pleased with the outcome too.
"Let me make sure I understand.  You put a bunch of your work out for a charity event and people can buy it at the event but it has to stay and be displayed for a month after the event?  How is that beneficial to the charity?"  Blake asked.
"The charity charges money for a ticket to the actual event, but then people can continue to visit the exhibit after the main event but still are charged admission.  That way they continue to make money even after the big event.  That is why the pieces have to stay on display for a month after the event,"  Justin explained.  
"Wow!! That is great exposure for your work and it continues to make money for the charity.  Do you get any money from it?"  Blake asked.
"Actually, I get some money from the ticket sales after the event.  The big gala is for the charity, but after that, the artists on display get a portion of the ticket sales.  It's not a lot and most of us are doing it more for exposure.  Still, it is an extra bonus.  And it seems to have worked in my favor.  I've already had three conversations with potential clients.  So everybody wins,"  Justin explained.  
"That's great Jus,"  Molly said,  "I've always known you had talent. I know I'm biased, but I liked your work the best.
Lindsay saw her opening and asked, "And Molly what do you do?"
"I'm a receptionist for Boros Law Firm.  I also work as a paralegal for them.  I'm definitely not the creative one in the family,"  Molly said.
"Boros law firm,"  That's a prestigious family law firm.  I'm impressed,"  Melanie said, upping her impression of Molly.  She wasn't just a pretty blonde.
"It is one of the top ones in the area.  They agree with my assessment of Justin's work.  One of his pieces is even in our lobby,"  Molly said proudly.
"Where did you go to school?"  Melanie asked.
"I went to Carnegie Mellon and studied Criminal Justice and then obtained my Paralegal training at Duquesne University,"  Molly said, used to be asked that question.
"Well if you ever get tired of working for Boros, my firm is always looking for paralegals," Melanie said.
Molly wasn't sure what to say to that statement so politely said, "Thank you, but I love working at Boros. They are very generous and really strive for a good work/ life balance."
Molly asked Blake what he did and was impressed when he talked about his treatment clinic.  Having watched Justin struggle with addiction, she had great respect for professionals working in that field.  
"Emmett, I already know you are a caterer.  Justin told me that you are helping Gus learn to cook but that you own your own business.  Sadly, I can't afford someone to cook all my meals for me.  But I bet I might be able to convince Justin to cook for me a little more often,"  Molly said.  
"You could join us on Saturday nights.  Dad and Justin go to a meeting and then we all eat dinner together.  After dinner, we could all watch a movie.  Don't you think that would be fun, Dad?"  Gus offered.
Molly was surprised at the offer and wasn't sure if she should accept or not as she did not want to intrude on their time together.  She looked at Justin for guidance.
Brian said, "Well if you want her to come over sometimes, I think that would be fine.  But you know Molly has a life too and she probably wouldn't want to hang out with her brother every Saturday night.  She might be going on real dates,"  Brian added.
"Oh, I guess so.  Molly, do you have real dates on Saturday nights?"  Gus asked, hoping that his new friend might have Saturdays free as he was already thinking about things that the four of them could do on Saturday nights.
"Sometimes. I'm still looking for Mr. Right,"  Molly said, hoping Gus would understand the term.
"Yeah.  Dad said he was never interested in dating and now he's dating Justin.  You just have to find the right guy.  But in the meantime, maybe you could join us sometime.  I bet the four of us could play some games on Saturday night or watch a cool movie.  What do you think?"
"If it is alright with Brian and Justin, I guess I could come occasionally,"  Molly answered.  
"Cool.  Dad, can we eat dessert?  I think everybody finished their food,"  Gus asked. 
"Sure Sonny Boy.  Everybody seems to be finished.  I'll help you clear the table,"  Brian said as he took a few dinner plates to the kitchen.  
Justin stood up and helped clear the table as well and then grabbed the food dishes so he could place them in containers for storage.  After the table was clear, Gus brought out the dessert dishes and everybody raved about the trifle as well.
After dessert, everyone left the table and went to the living room.  It was a little crowded as Brian's place was not meant to host more than a few people at a time.  Emmett had instructed Gus to thank everyone for coming and he did so.  Everyone talked for about 45 minutes, catching up on the week's activities.
Gus sat next to Molly and said, "Thanks for coming.  I really like Justin.  I can't wait for you to come over on Saturday and play games with us.  It will be so cool."  
Molly thought Gus was so cute.  "Thank you, Gus.  I love hanging out with Justin but since he is with your Dad a lot, this gives me an opportunity to do so.  What kinds of movies do you like?"
"I like Star Wars and Jurassic Park.  I love the Marvel Movies and Alvin and Chipmunks are fun too.  I like a lot of stuff.  Do you like games?  I like to play games too."
"I like games.  I don't have too many people that I can play with so it sounds really fun to play with the three of you.  Thanks for inviting me. I enjoyed it."
Gus reached out and gave her a hug.  "I like you, Molly."
Lindsay desperately wanted to talk to Molly, hoping for more information about Justin, but she waited for an opening in her conversation with Gus.  She thought it was cute that Gus was so excited to have Molly join them.  She wasn't sure what was so enticing, but it seemed harmless.  Just as they finished talking, Melanie announced that they were going to leave.  Lindsay gently shook her head and tilted it toward Molly, but the silent message was ignored by Melanie. 
Lindsay said, "Molly it was so kind of you to join us.  Perhaps we could get together for lunch.  We barely had time to talk tonight,"  Lindsay said, hoping her WASP upbringing wasn't off when she sensed that Molly and Justin had grown up in similar circles as she did.  
"Perhaps we might have time the next time Gus has dinner.  According to Justin, he has plans to cook dinner often,"  Molly said, not wanting to share a meal with Lindsay.  While she tried to keep her work and personal life separate, she and Brian had shared a few conversations regarding Lindsay and she was not eager to become her friend. While Gus appeared very happy, she understood that Brian had to take legal measures to ensure his access to Gus.  As a paralegal for a law firm that specialized in family law, she didn't think well of people who appeared to use their children as pawns in their disputes.  
"Oh, of course.  I hope to see you soon,"  She said as she reached out to shake hands with Molly.  Unlike Debbie and Emmett, Lindsay was not a hugger, something that Molly was very happy about.
Lindsay said, "Gus, dinner was delicious.  I can't wait until you are bigger and can cook all on your own.  See you on Sunday.  Be good for your Dad,"  Lindsay said, reiterating her desire for Gus to take over some of the cooking chores in the home.  
Brian scowled but kept his mouth shut.  Things had gone pretty well at dinner and he didn't want to ruin the evening for Gus. Melanie and Lindsay said their goodbyes quickly followed by Ted, Blake, and then Debbie.  Emmett went to the kitchen to ensure it was in order before he also said his goodbyes. That left Molly, Justin, Gus, and Brian.
"Molly, thanks for coming.  Everyone was pretty well-behaved.  Seems like you have a new fan, Gus.  I guess it looks like we'll be seeing you before Justin's next show,"  Brian said.
"I wasn't sure what to expect and at first, I must admit I was a little scared, especially when Debbie hugged me.  But I had a good time.  I guess it's time for me to go too.  I do have some errands I need to run and I am meeting up with some girlfriends tomorrow."  Molly said as she stood up to leave.  
Justin hugged her as did Gus and Brian.  "Maybe you can come in a few weeks.  I'll talk to Dad about it,"  Gus said.
"Sure, "  Molly said and then left.
The three of them sat down on the couch.  "Gus, you did a great job.  I'm proud of you.   We can watch a few episodes of Detention Adventure and then you need to go to bed.  We have a big day tomorrow.  I think you and Justin talked about going to a museum and then hitting the botanical garden to photograph the new flowers."
"Okay, Dad," Gus said as he grabbed the remote and flipped to the right channel.
They watched tv for an hour and then Gus got ready for bed.  After tucking him in, Brian said to Justin, "Now it's our time to enjoy the evening.  What do you say to hanging out with me in the bedroom?"    

The next month was uneventful.  Brian and Justin spent three or four nights a week together.  Since Brian's place was bigger and provided more privacy, they usually stayed there.  However, occasionally Brian consented to stay with Justin in his apartment.  Brian met with Cleo on Monday evenings so he did not see Justin on those days.  On Sunday evening, Justin went home since he had spent the entire weekend with Brian, and on Thursday he usually stayed in his apartment as well. Brian had come to accept that Justin couldn't spend every night with him, but he still missed him.  

They had left their latest meeting and Brian had received his gold chip for maintaining his sobriety for 10 months.  Every time he earned a new chip, they celebrated by going out to dinner rather than cooking dinner themselves.  Tonight was no different.  They had chosen an Outback Steak House rather than the local diner.   After placing their orders, Brian took out his latest chip, placing it on the table.

"10 months.  I'm proud of you, Brian,"  Justin said as he picked up the chip and fingered it in his hand.

"It is a long time, yet not. I can honestly say that I couldn't have done it without you," Brian said as he smiled widely at Justin.  "I didn't really know what to expect when I walked into that AA meeting 10 months ago.  I'm sure it did not include a relationship with you. I don't think I ever asked you why you came up to me that day.  I mean there were three other people who said it was their first meeting.  Not that I'm complaining, but I am curious."

Justin put down the gold chip and smiled at Brian.  "Honestly, I don't have a clue.  I'd gotten my Bronze Chip for 1 year of sobriety a few weeks before and knew I needed to move to the next step, Service.  Passing the message on and supporting the mission is vital to continued sobriety.  You know, walk the walk and talk the talk,"  Justin said, spouting a familiar PSA. 

"You always were a sucker for following the rules.  I wonder how you ever started drinking since you are always spouting off about the dangers of some activity or providing some public service announcement,"  Brian said, teasing Justin. 

The waitress came to take their order and Brian ordered a steak, baked potato, and salad.  Justin ordered the same.   

"I'm pretty sure the PSAs were a direct result of my sobriety.  I respect that rules and regulations are part of society.  Alcoholism is a public health problem as is drug abuse.  I think as a person in recovery, it is my duty to warn people about the real danger of drinking and doing drugs,"  Justin said, continuing his PSA.

"So, I'm actually your public service,"  Brian said, holding his hands over his heart in an exaggerated gesture.  

Justin laughed.  "I don't even think that deserves a response.  But honestly, I remember seeing you by the coffee station, looking lost and ready to bolt.  You seemed so vulnerable."  Justin stopped for a moment and reached out for Brian's hand and picked it up, drawing it to his lips, and placing a gentle kiss on his fingers.   "I still remember you sharing your story with the group about wrapping your car around a tree.  I think what drew me to you was your story.  You had a kid and you're gay.  The thing is, you weren't trying to hide a fake marriage and had a kid out of that reunion.  You were helping a friend have a kid and I think that unconsciously drew me in. Even though being gay is more accepted these days, there are guys that still have trouble coming out.  I guess unconsciously I admired that."

Brian raised his eyebrows, showing his surprise.  "You admired me for helping Lindsay have a kid?"

"It's not so much that I admired you for helping Lindsay, but I admired that you were out and proud.  You told everyone in the group you were gay.  It took me years to admit to my parents that I was gay and then .... Well you know how that worked out.  Listening to your story, it seemed that you were drinking as a result of not having access to Gus because of your gay lifestyle.  Of course, at that time I didn't know how all those things connected.  Still, I think I was pulled toward the fact that you were a gay man who knew what he wanted and I liked that you were seeking help because you wanted to be there for Gus."  Justin said, putting his thoughts in words.  He was somewhat surprised that he and Brian had never discussed those first few weeks but was comfortable with their relationship at this point in time that it was not a problem to do so.

"But now that you know the truth, would you have still gone that path? Sure it was about protecting my access to Gus, but there is still so much more,"  Brian asked, finding the conversation a little unnerving.  He picked up the gold chip and rolled it between his fingers.  

"Coulda, shoulda, woulda?  Hindsight is 20/20.  If I could turn back time....  Brian, we can't change the past.  We don't have a Delorean and I'm not Dr. Emmett Brown,"  Justin said, making reference to the "Back to the Future" trilogy.  "I am a believer in Kismet.  We were at the right place and the right time to meet.  What we did with that chance meeting was up to us.  You needed a sponsor and I was ready to move to the next step where I helped spread the AA mission."

"You sound like a damn missionary, spreading the gospel.  The world according to Justin Taylor, master artist and reformed alcoholic,"  Brian teased holding his hands up in air quotes.  "I don't know if I believe in kismet or the idea that you meet people when you are supposed to meet them, but I'm glad that you reached out to me, whatever your reason."

"I could ask you the same thing, you know.  Why did you accept my offer?"  Justin said, hoping to get some additional insight into Brian.

"Like you said, I was lost and continually fought with myself the whole evening not to walk out the door.  The entire time I was in the meeting, I thought it was a mistake that I showed up.  I thought that AA was just some hokus pokus and filled with losers.  To be honest, I don't really know why I decided to show up that night."  Brian picked up his water glass and took a drink.  He was finding the conversation interesting and was amazed that he didn't mind talking about the difficult time in his life.  "I hadn't drunk in a week and why I thought I needed to attend a meeting is still a mystery.  Maybe, you're right and it was Kismet that I showed up to that meeting on that day.  After all, I chose a meeting far enough from Liberty Avenue that my chance of meeting anyone I knew was pretty slim."  The waiter brought their salads and Brian picked up his fork to take a bite.

"How did you find your sponsor?  Did he just walk up to you too?" Brian asked.  They were in the back of the restaurant and since it was a Wednesday, it was pretty quiet.  The closest patron was a few tables away.  The waitress had brought them some rolls but Brian didn't pick one up.  He still tried to limit his carbs after 7; although he was more willing to break that rule.

Justin picked up a roll and buttered it.  He bit into it and made a humming sound in enjoyment.  He placed the roll on the small plate to his side and said, "The AA meeting I attended had a list of people who were willing to sponsor newcomers.  He was midway down the list so I chose him.  Not very scientific or anything.  I just figured that if he was in the middle of the list, he'd been around for a while and was pretty established in his journey.  I called him a few days after my first meeting and asked him.  He said yes.  We met up that night and well, ....  I still see him.  Since you started meeting up with Cleo on Mondays, I often attend the meeting where Jeremy and I met,"   He picked up his roll and ate another bite.

"I knew you still talked to Jeremy, but I didn't know you attend a meeting with him each week.  But I've only been seeing Cleo for the last 5 months. Did you meet up with him during that time?  Do you guys go to dinner afterward?"  Brian asked, feeling a twinge of something he wasn't familiar with.  The waitress brought their salads and Brian picked up his fork, moving the greens around the plate. 

"In answer to your first question, I usually met him on Friday nights.  You always went to a meeting during the day because of Gus. Sure, we often went to dinner on Fridays.  There's this really great BBQ place close by the meeting.  Showcase BBQ, Have you heard of it? It's cheap and unassuming, but the food is amazing.  They have their own line of sauces and rubs.  I should pick some up the next time I go to the grocery and we can use them to make some amazing BBQ.  It would be a new addition to our repertoire,"  Justin said, unconsciously licking his lips in remembrance of the taste.  He looked at Brian and saw his poorly hidden frown.  "Do I hear some jealousy in your voice?" Justin teased.

Brian blushed a little at the accusation but shook his head in disagreement. "Of course not.  Don't be silly."

"Then why did I see a blush on your cheeks?"  Justin asked, enjoying being the object of Brian's jealousy.

"Okay.  Okay.  I'm not jealous, really.  It's just that I never thought about you meeting up with Jeremy and.....  Eating out was .... Is .... Our thing."  Brian could feel the heat rising to his cheeks, surprised at his reaction. "I miss you on nights when we don't spend the evenings together. I know we agreed that you have things to do and we can't spend 24/7 with each other,"  Brian admitted.  "There's nothing wrong with that,"  He said, trying to justify his feelings.  He picked up his fork and this time stabbed a small piece of lettuce, popping it in his mouth.

"I think it's cute.  I like that you miss me.   Besides, absence makes the heart grow fonder,"  Justin said, quoting another familiar saying.  He picked up his fork and took a bite of his salad, leaving the roll for later.

"I'm not cute, " Brian said with a strong voice.  "I accept that you have a life outside of me, but it doesn't mean I like it."  Brian took a sip of his water, wishing that his feelings were not so easily seen.  He still didn't like to be vulnerable.

Justin took a deep breath, centering himself before responding.  "Okay, warning, here's another PSA. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.  I know that sounds contrite, but I believe there is some merit to the thought.  While you may daydream of being with me every day, the reality is that we appreciate each other much more if we have our own lives.  When we meet in the evenings, we talk about things that happened during our day.  We share our frustrations and our triumphs.  When we don't see each other every available moment in our lives, we have things to share and I think we appreciate being together more.  As I've said before, there are some really boring things that life requires each of us to do, and unless you want to be around while I pay bills, water my plants, wash my dishes, and run to the art store, it's better this way. Besides, I had a boyfriend who was in my back pocket and it literally drove me crazy.  I think it is important to each of our mental health that we do some things on our own."

Brian listened and carefully thought about what Justin was saying.  "I guess too much togetherness could be trouble too.  It's just....I really like the nights we spend together."

"I get it Brian and I like those nights too.  But, we won't always go to AA every night.  Right now, we see each other almost every day and we spend 24/7 with each other from Friday night through Sunday night.  When I go home on Sunday night, I sometimes feel a little overwhelmed with the number of things I need to accomplish before Tuesday.  I have laundry to do and my apartment seems to always need cleaning.  And like I said earlier, I have bills to pay and other errands to run.  I'm not blaming you and I'm not saying I regret spending the night with you, but I'm just trying to explain why I really can't spend the night every night."

Brian nodded and said, "Okay.  But what does that mean for us in the future?"  Brian was shocked that he asked the question, but it just naturally came out.  "I mean.... Hell, I don't know what I mean."

Justin was surprised at the question as well until he realized that they had been dating for 5 months and had known each other for almost a year.  "What do you want it to mean?  The future?"  Justin asked tentatively, knowing that Brian was often skittish when it came to talking about new topics. 

"I'd like us to have a future.  I know this won't come as a surprise, but I never really thought about the future except when it came to getting out of my parent's home and having my own place.  Luckily for me, I had a talent for soccer and that got me a scholarship to college.  The scholarship led to studying marketing .... Yada , yada.  But future.  I honestly thought I would go out in a blaze of glory before I hit 40.  Now that thought isn't on the radar.  I don't imagine that my drinking is what is going to kill me."

"I'm glad that you stopped drinking and feel pretty confident that you won't be going out in a blaze of glory before you're 40. I'd like us to have a future too.  From our discussion, I take it that this future," Justin said the words as he used air quotes around the word future.  "Is different than the one we have been living."  He didn't want to put words in Brian's mouth, therefore leaving the sentence open-ended.

Brian finished his salad and pushed the plate away.  "You know that I write in a journal?"

Justin nodded, not sure where Brian was going with his statement.

"Cleo got me started and I found it really helped a lot with my journey.  I learned a lot about why I drink and I often write about our meetings,"  Brian said as he explained what some of the entries were about.  He reached for his water and took a sip, then played with the water glass, swirling it on the table in the condensation left by the glass.

"I've also been writing about us. I have Gus to thank or blame for that.  You choose.  

Anyway, the night of the dinner party I overheard him talking to Emmett.  I wasn't eavesdropping.  I had taken a shower and headed to the living room so I could hear the buzzer when guests started arriving.  I heard him ask Emmett if he thought we would get married in the future.  He said it would be really cool to have two moms and two dads.  Emmett told him that there was more to marriage than getting to hang out together.  Then Gus asked him if people got married to have kids and proceeded to tell Emmett that he would like a brother or sister,"  Brian said, sharing the content of the conversation with Justin.

"So... are you talking marriage?"  Justin tentatively asked.

"No!"  Brian shook his head firmly.   "I'm not asking you to marry me.  I'm not even sure I want to get married or what the purpose of getting married would be.  Honestly, I've never thought about it.  But Gus' talk with Emmett got me thinking about us and what I wanted.  I've been exploring that question in my journal and every time I write about it, I come to the same conclusion.  I want more than what we're doing.  I'm not sure how that would work since you're pretty adamant that you have shit to do, but if I've learned one thing in these last 11 months it's that I need to share what I'm feeling and that I need to acknowledge that I have feelings."  Brian leaned over and gave Justin a quick kiss on the cheek.  

Justin hadn't expected this discussion.  They often talked about the topic from their meeting earlier in the evening or about work.  As he thought about it, they rarely discussed their relationship.  Usually, their discussion about their relationship was after an incident like the aborted Woody's visit or the condom situation. 

"Thank you for telling me.  I'm proud of you for speaking up.  It's so important for us to talk about things before they become a problem.  I think that we often are reactive versus proactive,"  Justin said, commenting on their typical way of dealing with things.

"Yeah.  It is sort of reactive, but at least this time I haven't gone out and done something really stupid like starting to drink.  Anyway....  Whether the discussion is proactive or reactive, the problem still exists.  I want more and you don't."

Justin shook his head, "I didn't say I didn't want more.  I just explained why I didn't spend every night with you."

"So what do we do?  I want you to be around more and I miss you when you're not there, but you feel that you can't get done all the stuff you need to do if you're with me all the time,"  Brian summarized the dilemma.

"How do you do all the everyday tasks, Brian?"  Justin asked, hoping that there might be a solution if he could incorporate some of what Brian did.

The waitress brought their dinners and they spent a few minutes taking several bites from their respective meals.  

"I have a cleaning service that cleans the apartment and does most of the laundry.  My suits and business wear are all dry-cleaned.  The dry cleaner picks up and delivers so there is that.  The rest of the laundry is done by the cleaning service.  Mostly socks, underwear, sheets, and towels.  The service puts away the towels and sheets in the linen closet and they leave the clean clothes in the basket for me to put away.  I don't want anyone in my drawers."

"Laundry, check.  I don't have a cleaning service nor would I want to spend the money for someone to wash my paint-stained clothes.  My little apartment wouldn't warrant the expense of paying someone to clean it.  So that doesn't help."

"I rarely pay bills.  As much as possible, they are on autopay. That was the best thing the banking industry ever came up with.  And Ted takes care of the stuff for Gus.  His bills are more sporadic but they are all sent to Ted."

"Don't you ever check your statements?  I mean I can't imagine not looking through the bills just to be sure that they are not overbilling me,"  Justin said, starting to feel frustrated as he realized there may not be a solution to their dilemma.

"Not really.  Ted takes care of that for me.  If there is a discrepancy, he deals with it. He's not only my  CFO but he handles my personal money too.  I pay him to take care of it."  He takes a few more bites of his meal but could see that Justin was finding his answers unhelpful. 

"Okay.  Unfortunately, I don't have a Ted and I couldn't afford to pay someone to watch over what little money I do have.  We aren't coming up with any solutions yet.  What about your errands?  Don't tell me you have your secretary buy your shampoo and deodorant?"

Brian laughed at the picture of Cynthia buying his shampoo or deodorant.  "Of course not.  I order those online.  But I guess I do have errands to run.  Gus and I do those on Friday afternoons.  He seems to need new shoes every month. That kid needs stuff all the time."

"Again.  Your life is a little different than mine. You have people do most of your shopping and the few errands you do run are done with Gus.  So, back to my original statement.  I have stuff to do that no one else can do for me and I have to have time to do it.  I don't have the luxury of a cleaning service or an accountant and while I could buy shampoo and deodorant online, that seems really extravagant since I usually go to Target to pick it up. So, do you see where our lives are a little different and I need time to do shit?"  Justin explained and hoped that Brian finally saw his need for time away.

"Got it. However, there is a solution to some of this,"  Brian said, already thinking of ways to address the issue Justin had to run errands. " Since most of the stuff the three of us do on the weekends doesn't open until 10:00 and we're up way before that time, the three of us could run errands together.  No reason for Gus and I do to them all on Fridays,"  Brian offered.

Justin opened his mouth and closed it again.  "I... I... I...  don't know what to say.  I mean do you really want to run errands with me on the weekend?  It would solve some of the issues, but I still have to wash clothes and clean my apartment.  I don't see how those areas would change,"  Justin said, surprised and pleased with Brian's suggestions.  

"You could move in with me.  Eliminate the need to clean, wash dishes, etc.  I have a cleaning service to do that.  The only thing you would need to do would be to pay your bills, but even those would be lower since you wouldn't have as many expenses,"  Brian said, surprised at his own suggestion but not uncomfortable with the solution.

"Move in with you?  Uh, wow. ...that's a big step.... Are we there?  I mean ... move in with you?"  Justin said, unable to complete a full sentence or thought.  He picked up his fork and moved his salad around the plate.  He had not expected that solution.

"Well, it would take care of the cleaning and laundry but do you really want me around all the time?  I mean, we were just talking about needing some space to have some separation.  If we lived together, I don't know how that would work.  While you can afford a cleaning service and someone to do your laundry, I cannot and I don't want to feel like a kept man."

"When is your lease up?  I remember you said that you were trying to decide if you were going to stay in the building but you were unsure where you could move.  If you moved in with me, you wouldn't have to find a place."

"But I'd still need a studio.  I can't imagine myself painting in your loft.  I'm messy when I paint,"  Justin said, warming up to the possibility.   "I have to decide in the next two months."

"How about you start looking for some studio space?  In the meantime, we could do a trial run.  If you stay over most nights, leave your clothes for the cleaning service or you could throw them in the washer; I do have one in the loft.  We could start running all of our errands on Saturday and or Sunday mornings.  We could even shop for food on the weekends.  We'd still have Mondays for our separate meetings.  This way, you don't have to commit to anything and if it doesn't work, then we can try another solution,"  Brian suggested, hoping Justin would be willing to try.

Justin cut a few bites of his steak and ate them slowly as he mulled over Brian's proposition.  There were pros and cons to his idea.  However, if they were to move forward with their relationship and it appeared that both of them wanted that, it would be a good test.  

"Okay.  I'm willing to try.  Tomorrow is Thursday.  Let me work on getting all my stuff together and I'll come over on Friday like normal. We don't hang out on Thursdays anyway so it will be like normal,'  Justin said but added, "Are you really sure about this?  I mean it is a big step.  And, well, we might get tired of each other pretty quickly."

"We will still have our jobs and will still be attending AA in the evening.  In reality, we are only adding a few nights where you stay over and now we'll run our errands together.  It should be fine,"  Brian said, assuring Justin that his idea was sound.  

Justin smiled widely and said, "Okay.  Let's do this!!!"  He leaned over and kissed Brian on the cheek.  "Wow.  We're going to live together."

Chapter 25

"Move in with you? Uh, wow. ...that's a big step.... Are we there? I mean ... move in with you?" Justin said, unable to complete a full sentence or thought. He picked up his fork and moved his salad around the plate. He had not expected that solution.

"Well, it would take care of the cleaning and laundry but do you really want me around all the time? I mean, we were just talking about needing some space to have some separation. If we lived together, I don't know how that would work. While you can afford a cleaning service and someone to do your laundry, I cannot and I don't want to feel like a kept man."

"When is your lease up? I remember you said that you were trying to decide if you were going to stay in the building but you were unsure where you could move. If you moved in with me, you wouldn't have to find a place."

"But I'd still need a studio. I can't imagine myself painting in your loft. I'm messy when I paint," Justin said, warming up to the possibility. "I have to decide in the next month."

"How about you start looking for some studio space and another apartment? In the meantime, we could do a trial run. If you stay over most nights, leave your clothes for the cleaning service or you could throw them in the washer; I do have one in the loft. We could start running all of our errands on Saturday and or Sunday mornings. We could even shop for food on the weekends. We'd still have Mondays for our separate meetings. This way, you don't have to commit to anything and if it doesn't work, then we can try another solution," Brian suggested, hoping Justin would be willing to try.

Justin cut a few bites of his steak and ate them slowly as he mulled over Brian's proposition. There were pros and cons to his idea. However, if they were to move forward with their relationship and it appeared that both of them wanted that, it would be a good test.

"Okay. I'm willing to try. Tomorrow is Thursday. Let me work on getting all my stuff together and I'll come over on Friday like normal. We don't hang out on Thursdays anyway so it will be like normal,' Justin said but added, "Are you really sure about this? I mean it is a big step. And, well, we might get tired of each other pretty quickly."

"We will still have our jobs and will still be attending AA in the evening. In reality, we are only adding a few nights where you stay over and now we'll run our errands together. It should be fine," Brian said, assuring Justin that his idea was sound.

Justin smiled widely and said, "Okay. Let's do this!!!" He leaned over and kissed Brian on the cheek. "Wow. We're going to live together."

Chapter 26

It had been two weeks since Justin moved in. They chose to keep the move quiet, wanting to wait until they decided to make it permanent. Gus was used to Justin spending the night on the weekends and he did not notice anything different. Both men were happy with the arrangement, enjoying each other's company and knowing they would be spending the night together.

It was Sunday night and they had returned from their AA meeting. Brian had gone into the kitchen to start dinner and Justin was sitting on the couch going through his mail. Since his studio was in his apartment building, he grabbed his mail every day but since he wasn't there on Saturday, Brian and he had swung by the building for Justin to pick up his mail from the last few days.

"Great," Justin said as he opened an envelope that appeared to have a check inside.

"What's great?" Brian asked as he called out from the kitchen.

"I got my insurance check. There was a refund on a premium. I could use the money. I have to buy new art supplies," Justin said as he walked toward the kitchen area. He leaned over and gave Brian a quick kiss on the cheek and walked over to the cabinet to take out the pan for the chicken.

"See, I told you that bill paying and reading mail could be accomplished just as easily here as at your apartment." Brian grinned as he pulled the chicken out of the package and placed them in the pan.

"I think your moving in is working out well," Brian said.

"I gotta admit that I am quickly getting used to having a cleaning service. Dusting and doing dishes was never my favorite activity. Also, throwing a load of clothes in when we get back from a meeting is way more convenient than trying to do it all on Sunday night. Still, I have to find a way to clean my painting clothes or figure out a way to wash them during the day and that is a pain. Like I said, it's not like I'm going to send my paint clothes to the dry cleaner, but they still need occasional cleaning, even if I don't care if they are really stain free." Justin added the honey and mustard topping to the chicken. They did not make gourmet food every night.

"I'm happy to hear you say that you are getting used to being here. I told you it would work. It's been two weeks and I see no reason to change things," Brian said,

Justin put the pan in the oven and grabbed the broccoli from the fridge. He took out the cutting board and a sharp knife and started cutting the larger stalks into small florets. "It's only been two weeks and it's been great. But....." Justin hesitated.

"But what? Are you changing your mind?" Brian said, a mix of fear and anger.

Justin put the knife down and turned toward Brian, moving closer and wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him down for a kiss. They kissed for a few moments and then Justin released him.

"No, I haven't changed my mind, but two weeks really isn't a long time. We're still in the honeymoon stage."

"What the fuck is a honeymoon stage? We're definitely not married so what the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Brian said, his guard going up quickly.

"It's an expression, Brian. That is all. It means that when something is new, it's all shiny and exciting. It's like when two people get married and they go on a honeymoon. It used to be that the honeymoon was the first time people had sex and spent extended time together. They really started to get to know their spouses during the honeymoon," Justin explained the term and Brian's frown increased.

"We are not on a honeymoon! We've known each other for almost a year and I knew full well what I was getting into when I asked you to move in. I wanted you here every night and now you are. End of statement," Brian said, feeling himself getting more frustrated as their talk continued.

Justin could hear the growing unease and frustration coming off Brian and he knew he wanted to de-escalate the situation.

"Brian. Two weeks is really a short time. We haven't had any arguments or disagreements and I still believe that too much togetherness is not a good situation. All I'm saying is that the novelty has not worn off. We'll really be able to tell if this is right when the novelty is gone."

"So, you're telling me that two people living together have to argue. That sounds kind of defeatist. Like you expect there to be trouble," Brian said, questioning Justin's statement.

"Brian, any time you put two people together they are bound to be differences. So, yeah, I guess that means I expect us to disagree. That doesn't mean that we have knockdown drag-out fights or want to be at each other's throats, it just means that I expect we won't agree on everything. Look at us right now, we are disagreeing," Justin said, explaining his thoughts. "And, might I add that we are doing so in a basically civil manner."

Brian took a deep breath and said, "So you're saying that it is inevitable that two people living together are going to disagree on some things?"

"Sure. We disagreed before I moved in. In reality, that is why you suggested I move in the first place. You didn't like that I wanted to go home a few nights a week," Justin reminded him. He finished cutting the broccoli and placed the florets into the steamer basket and placed the basket in the pot, filling it with a few inches of water. He didn't turn on the pot, wanting to wait until the chicken was almost done.

"So what? We just are sitting on a ticking time bomb waiting for one of us to get mad? That sounds even more defeatist."

"Brian, let's be real. Two people from very different backgrounds are bound to have disagreements. I'm not saying that I'm waiting until we have our first fight to decide if I want to move in permanently. I'm just saying that I'm realistic and I realize that as much as you and I may want this to work, there may be times when one of us gets angry and lashes out. That's what people do. They have feelings and emotions and sometimes we get angry at the people we live with and lash out rather than lashing out at the person who is really causing the anger," Justin said as he moved to the living room and patted the seat next to him on the couch.

Brian followed him into the living room and joined him on the couch. "I guess I'm still new to this relationship thing. We haven't had any disagreements and I don't like the thought that it will happen," Brian admitted, glancing at the door rather than at Justin.

Justin reached out for Brian and took his hand in his. "Brian, life is messy. Ask Ted. Ask Molly. Even Gus will tell you that life doesn't go as we all want it to. Conflict is uncomfortable and no one wants it, but we have to be realistic. Conflict, arguments, and disagreements... however you want to label them, happens. It happens to all of us. Some of us have learned to expect it and have coping mechanisms in place to handle it while other people spin out of control anytime it occurs. All I'm saying is that so far we have gotten along great, but I don't expect that to be the case all the time. We will disagree. We will argue and I want both of us to expect that."

"Okay. Okay. Another PSA. I get it. Two people living together will inevitably argue. Can you learn how to argue successfully? It sounds crazy," Brian asked, unsure if he even wanted to go down that route.

"That is actually a good idea, but there is a little catch. Before you can figure out what you want to do differently, you need to know how you handle things now. What do you do when you argue with someone? I'm asking since we really haven't argued per se. You can't change what you don't know," Justin said, explaining how change needs to identify the behavior that needs altering.

"How the fuck should I know? I don't make a habit of arguing with anyone and I sure as hell don't think about how I could have done things differently," Brian said, becoming a little more frustrated with the entire conversation.

The kitchen timer dinged and Brian said, "Chicken's ready. Can we just table this and eat? I have some work I need to finish before I go in tomorrow," Brian asked as he stood up to walk to the kitchen area.

"Sure. It might be better to have the conversation later," Justin agreed, thinking that the best time to have it was after they had a disagreement about something real. Theoretical discussions were always hard to have.

They put the broccoli on to steam as they set the table and sat down to enjoy the honey mustard chicken and broccoli a few minutes later.

"Who knew that broccoli could be so tasty? I always avoided it at restaurants as it was bland, but you've taught me with a few added herbs it can be really good," Brian said as he finished a small piece of broccoli.

"Yeah, a few spices can go a long way. We should experiment with some other spices too. It is no wonder that the spice trade was so influential in settling lands," Justin said as he too finished a floret.

They finished their dinner and talked about their meeting from earlier in the evening. It was a short meal as Brian wanted to work. He helped Justin put away the food and then went to his computer to start work.

Justin wasn't particularly inspired at the moment so he grabbed the remote and turned on the television to watch some new animated show that he'd heard about. He wasn't interested in the plot but was always interested in the way the animators worked. As usual, he quickly picked up his sketch pad and began drawing as he watched. After an hour, he found himself yawning and walked over to Brian.

"Hey, I'm gonna go to bed. I'm beat," Justin said as he leaned over to kiss Brian on the cheek.

"Okay," Brian said as he looked longingly at Justin. "I've still got some work to finish. Are you sure you don't want to wait up?"

Justin shook his head and said, "No. I know you. When you say I've still got work to finish, that could be two or three hours and I have a busy day tomorrow."

Brian frowned, torn between wanting to join Justin and needing to finish his work. "Okay," he said, the disappointment evident in his voice. "I'll be there when I finish up."

A few days later Justin had slept through his alarm and woke up very late. He had less than an hour to get to his meeting with his agent and she did not like to wait. Jumping out of bed, he went into the bathroom to start his shower but did not make the bed. He quickly showered, getting the smell of cum and sweat off his body, but left the towel on the floor instead of hanging it up. He left his toothbrush on the sink instead of replacing it in the cup holder. In the bedroom, he grabbed his underwear from the drawers, but in his haste, he left the drawers open. He went to the closet and pulled a pair of pants from a hangar but the button popped off and he left it on the floor of the closet when he grabbed another pair of pants. In the kitchen, he opened the cabinet, took down a box of pop tarts, and grabbed a package, but left the box on the counter. His phone's alarm went off reminding him to leave and he raced out the door, forgetting to set the alarm. He arrived with just a few minutes to spare, only to find that his agent was still in a meeting and he had to wait.

Brian had a headache and decided to go home a little early, hoping to take a warm shower and maybe lie down for a quick power nap. When he arrived home and put in the code for the loft, he heard the familiar sound that it made when setting. He looked at the door and it was not obviously ajar and did not look like it had been tampered with. He tapped the code in again and the door did not unlock. "Christ! Have I been robbed again?" he said as he punched in the code again and cautiously walked in.

He glanced toward the living area and saw his big screen tv, stereo, and computer were still in their place. A sigh of huge relief came from his chest. It didn't appear that he'd been robbed. He glanced at the kitchen, saw the box of pop tarts on the cabinet, and frowned. Justin should know better than to leave the box on the counter. Then he walked into the bedroom where he found utter chaos. The bed was unmade, and there were drawers open. Justin knew that he hated getting in an unmade bed. He walked into the closet to hang up his suit and found a pair of pants lying on the floor. He shook his head in growing disbelief. Hanging up his suit, he walked into the bathroom to take a piss before he lay down only to find a towel on the floor and Justin's toothbrush on the sink.

He could feel the headache increasing. He pressed his forefinger and thumb on the bridge of his nose, trying to ease the pressure. "Justin," he yelled out loud, knowing that he wasn't there, but still wanting to shout. He peed and then returned to the bedroom where he lay down and closed his eyes, hoping his headache would ease soon. He'd set an alarm to be up in time to go to the AA meeting where he planned on seeing Justin. When the alarm went off, it woke Brian and he found his headache was somewhat dissipated. He dressed and drove to the meeting.

He walked over to Justin but did not hug or kiss him as they were still keeping their relationship quiet when they were at meetings. They had agreed that this was the most appropriate way to handle things as they were there for their sobriety and not in a social situation. The discussion today was about anger. While Brian knew he was angry at Justin, he realized that the anger the leader was talking about was more insidious than what he was feeling. At least his anger was not resulting in him wanting to drink. He was thankful for that. After the meeting, the two men walked toward their respective cars and said they would see each other at home.

They arrived at the same time and parked their cars in the garage, walking up to the building and going in simultaneously. When they arrived at the door, Brian pointed to the alarm pad and said, "See this. It is an alarm. You are supposed to set it every time you leave." He pushed the buttons to let them in.

"Yeah I know," Justin said, not sure why Brian's statement was directed at him.

"Evidently, you forgot. I came home early today and found it unlocked. Don't do it again," Brian said, his anger starting to show.

They walked in and Justin put his messenger bag down on the couch and turned to kiss Brian but Brian sidestepped him.

"Brian?" Justin asked, aware for the first time that there was something going on with Brian.

"I came home early today as I had a headache. The alarm was not set and thankfully no one decided to help themselves to my stuff. However, the loft was a disaster. There was a box of pop tarts on the counter. The bed was unmade. The bathroom was a disaster. Your towel was on the floor and your toothbrush was on the sink. And when I went to hang up my suit, I almost tripped on your damn pants that you left on the floor."

"I was running late. I didn't have time," Justin said, responding to the litany of complaints.

"Making a bed takes 2 minutes and putting your toothbrush in the cup takes maybe 5 seconds. Hanging your towel up and putting your pants back on a hangar shouldn't take long either. And the pop tart box involves a few extra hand movements. It all would be less than 5 minutes. But no, you couldn't take 5 minutes and I came home to a house that looked like a tornado had hit it," Brian said, his anger now in full force.

"My agent really gets mad if I'm late. She is always telling me that her time is valuable," Justin said, defending his actions.

"So your agent is more important than me?" Brian asked, accusing Justin of choosing his work over Brian.

"I didn't say that. I just said..."

"I heard you the first time. Your agent gets mad if you're late. Well, I get mad if you leave my home in shambles. I expect to come home to a clean home, where everything is in its place. I don't like chaos," Brian said.

"Your house?" Justin asked, making sure he heard correctly.

"It is my house, so yeah," Brian said, unsure why Justin was asking.

"Oh. I see. Then maybe this isn't the right time to do this," Justin said waving his hand to encompass the space.
"What the fuck are you talking about? Not the right time. Justin?" Brian asked, feeling a clenching in his body as he looked at Justin.

"I get that this is your place and you are used to it looking a specific way but if I move in permanently, I want it to be our place. Not the place I moved into. Look, Brian. I agreed to move in and we would give it a trial run. But if this is going to work, you're gonna have to stop thinking of things as yours or mine," Justin said, hopeful that Brian could understand the nuances of the situation.

"So, what are you exactly saying? I have to live with your mess?" Brian asked, feeling the tightness in his body increasing.

" All I'm saying is that if this is going to work, you have to stop thinking as this is your home and start thinking of it as our home. I will not move in if I feel like like a guest," Justin said, explaining his position and the consequences of Brian's decision.

"So...., let me get this straight. I have to agree to live with your mess or you won't move in?"

Justin shook his head. "You aren't listening, Brian. I never said that you have to live with my mess. I agree. I should pick up after myself and that is fine. This is a deeper issue. If we're going to do this, this has to be our home and we have to make the rules together. It can't be this is your home and you make all the rules. If it is your home, then I will find an apartment."

"Jesus Justin. My home, our home, your home, what the fuck is the difference? They are just words," Brian said as he pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's a place to keep your shit and sleep."

Justin sighed and sat down, running his hands over his face. "I think of home as my refuge, my safe place. So do you or you wouldn't get so worked up over the mess everywhere. But a home is not four walls, it is a place where we are together, away from the world. All I'm saying is that if I'm going to move in I need to feel this is my refuge, not a place that you are just allowing me to be and you make all the rules."

Brian listened to Justin and heard what he was actually saying this time. "I get it. We make the rules together, but can I still say that I want things put away?"

Justin smiled as he thought Brian did finally get what he was saying. "Sure, you can make a rule that things are put away and not left out. We don't have to call them rules but understandings are good too. The key here is that we both agree on the guidelines and that I have as much say in them as you do. I get that this is your place. You've lived here for a long time, but if I'm going to move in and share the space with you, I have to feel that this is my home too. I'm sorry."

"Sorry's bullshit. Just pick up your shit," Brian said, tired of the discussion and wanting their home to be back to its normally pristine level.

Brian sat down on the couch and pressed his forefinger and thumb to the bridge of his nose, hoping the pressure would relieve his headache.

"Can I get you anything?" Justin asked solicitously.

"Just clean up your mess," Brian said and he leaned his head on the back of the couch and closed his eyes.

Justin leaned down and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and then in less than 5 minutes had everything back in its place. He smiled at how accurate Brian's estimates were and made a mental note to make sure and put things away in the future. He had no idea that Brian was so easily disturbed by things being out of place.

Justin went into the kitchen and started dinner while Brian rested. As Justin cooked dinner he reflected back on the day and the disagreement with Brian. Brian had been angry but once he told Justin what was wrong, it appeared that he calmed down pretty quickly. He hoped that meant that he and Brian could weather other disagreements in the future. He still had at least a month until he had to decide if he wanted to permanently move in or find his own place. He liked living with Brian but he wanted to be sure it was the right decision. If he said yes and things went south, he would have few options.

So far, it had been great, but as he had told Brian the other day, they were still in their honeymoon phase. No matter how much two people liked each other, living together was always a new challenge to the relationship. He'd seen couples fight over taking out the garbage and picking up the dry cleaning. He doubted he and Brian would ever fight over those chores since Brian had a service to do both, but today was an eye-opener. He knew Brian was a clean freak, but he didn't realize the extent of his obsession with everything having to be in its place.

He was certain he could put everything away as Brian asked, but the real question would be would he do it consistently? He was used to leaving things where they were and eventually putting things away. If he lived with Brian, that would need to change. He would always need to be sure that everything was put in its place. It seemed like a small thing but if today was any indication, anything out of place would spark Brian's anger. On the other hand, he didn't feel that Brian being a clean freak should be the deciding factor in his agreeing to move in. Their dinner was almost ready and he decided to not talk about this morning's "tornado" as Brian had called it and focus on their respective days.

They shared a quiet dinner and nothing more was said about the state of the loft.

Another few weeks passed and they had a few disagreements about Justin putting his things away. One time he had left three sketch pads out; one in the living room, one in the bedroom, and one on the table by the foyer. He had also left his pencils out and Brian found pencil shavings by the trash can where Justin had missed the can when he was sharpening them. Brian had reminded him that he needed to put his "crap" away and that pencil shavings on the floor were not acceptable. Justin had gathered his sketchbooks and placed them in his messenger bag and grabbed the broom and dustpan to clean up the shavings. As he was cleaning, he reminded himself that it only took 2 minutes to make Brian happy and he could do this.

One night at dinner as it was approaching the month mark, Brian decided to bring up Justin moving in permanently.

"How's the studio hunting going?" Brian asked, feeling that asking about the studio was a good indication of Justin's decision to continue their experiment.

"Okay, I guess. It's harder to find than I thought. The price of rent is pretty high and I've been working on crunching the numbers to see if I can swing it."

"What do you mean, swing it? If you're living here you won't have rent to pay," Brian asked.

"Just because I'm living with you doesn't mean I shouldn't pay rent. I need to pay my way too," Justin said, surprised at Brian's assumption that he would not be paying rent. "I know you invited me here to see if we wanted to live together but I always assumed that I would be contributing to the rent."

"Justin, there is no rent. The loft is paid for. All I pay for is utilities. I own the building and charge rent to the tenants. Their rent covers everything, even the parking garage monthly fees. Everyone pays for two spaces in the garage therefore your parking there would be included," Brian said, somewhat surprised that this topic had never come up.

"Oh. Well, then I should pay for a part of the cleaning service since my being here adds extra work for the service," Justin added, trying to quickly calculate his share of the cost.

"One extra person is not going to increase the cleaning service's tasks. They change the sheets, vacuum, clean the bathroom, dust and take out the trash. If the trash is full before they clean, I take it out," Brian explained.

"Okay, cleaning service already paid for. But I would, of course, pay my portion of the utilities. How much is that?"

"I have no idea. Ted pays the bills. Really Justin, I don't need someone to share expenses with. I'm not looking for a roommate. I asked you to move in so we could be together, not to help with the bills. So, barring the money issue, how is the hunt for a studio?"

"I don't want to be a kept man, Brian. I assumed that we were partners," Justin explained, hoping Brian would understand his point of view."

"We're dating, not married," Brian said, getting antsy about the discussion. "Look, I've got plenty of money. Even more now since I don't give Lindsay anything for Gus. You are just starting your career. I don't need your money. Spend your money on art supplies or some new clothes. You could use a good suit to wear for your openings," Brian said thinking that he would really enjoy taking Justin shopping. He quickly envisioned watching Justin try on pants and maybe even assisting him in the dressing room. He could feel his pants getting a little tight at the thought.

Justin thought about Brian's statement. "We've never really talked about money. I can't believe I haven't brought it up. Do you know that money is one of the biggest areas that people argue about in relationships? Other areas include sex, kids, careers, and chores."

Brian took a bite of his fish before responding. "Sex isn't a problem. We have sex practically every day. Gus is the only kid and we've never fought about him. I have no idea what fighting about careers would be about and while we don't exactly have chores, I do have to remind you frequently to pick up your shit." Brian shook his head as he thought of the disaster that Justin could leave in just a short time when he was getting ready in the morning. At least, he usually picked up after himself. "See, there isn't anything to argue about. You could take the money that you were planning on contributing and rent yourself a nice studio. Problem solved. You can give up your apartment and move in worry free."

Justin finished his risotto and drank some water. He could hear Brian's words but something about them made him uneasy. "It's not just that simple, Brian. I would still feel that I wasn't carrying my weight. It's important to me to feel equal and that means contributing to my living space."

Brian sighed. "It's only fucking money, Justin and I have plenty of it. You shouldn't worry about it. But if it will make you feel better, how about you buy the groceries? I swear I do not know where you put all the food that you eat and not gain an ounce. Will that make you more comfortable about paying your way?"

"Groceries? Yeah, I could do that. That way I could buy a bag of chips or cookies and you won't scowl at me when I put them in the basket. I love going grocery shopping, seeing all the fresh produce, and finding unique and different spices. I know you go shopping with Gus but I think you get in and out as quickly as possible. I think that works. I'll buy all the groceries and I'll pay when we go out to dinner."

"Whoa, who said anything about eating out? That can get really expensive. It could blow your budget right out of the water," Brian said, realizing that money could be an issue with Justin. He'd finished his dinner and pushed the plate away from him. "Look... Does it all have to be laid out item by item? I mean we are not a business with a profit goal. I think you are making this a lot more complicated than it has to be. Why don't you just buy the groceries and we can see where that leaves you?" Brian hoped his suggestion would end the discussion. It reminded him of the arguments that his parents had about money when he was growing up.

"Money is a really important topic, Brian. If I'm going to pay for the groceries as my only contribution to the household. I'd have more money than I thought for a studio and supplies. But I don't want to feel that all my money is going for my needs and your needs are not considered. I spend about $600 on groceries a month and another $250 on eating out. If I double that and add an extra $100 for feeding Gus, that would be about $2000. If I'm not paying rent and utilities, I can swing that amount and pay for a studio. I've looked at a few spaces but I guess I should have asked about how much I needed to contribute here. I was really reluctant to rent something. Also, I guess I was putting things off until I saw how things worked out with me moving in." Justin pushed his plate away and drank some water, finishing his glass of liquid. He took the pitcher from the middle of the table and poured more into his glass and drank about half of it before putting the glass down.

"You didn't think it would work .... Your moving in?" Brian asked, somewhat surprised. "Why would you move in if you didn't think it would work?"

"It's not exactly that I didn't think it would work, more like your question seemed pretty spontaneous and I wasn't sure if you would regret it. Brian, you've shared with me that you really had zero experience with relationships and I'm your first. You were perfectly content with your dating status until you met me. I'm pretty sure you had no idea what to expect from this." Justin said, waving his hand between the two of them. "Come on, did you expect to have to remind me to put my "shit away"?" Justin used air quotes as he said the words. "Did you think there wouldn't be disagreements or times that you wished I wasn't here and you could just chill by yourself? Moving in with someone is a huge step. It means the two people are more committed to each other. They've passed the initial dating interest and want to make a life together. It wasn't just about sex. Both of us had our reasons for wanting to move in together."

"And the verdict is?" Brian asked, finding the conversation a little disconcerting. He wasn't used to dissecting every part of his life.

"I don't regret it. If that is what you are asking? What do you think?" Justin asked, pleased that Brian and he were having this discussion. He found that discussions with Brian sometimes had to be handled with kid gloves. Brian often didn't see the need for talking about what might happen; he was still sometimes reactive rather than proactive. Justin knew that Brian's request for him to move in had been a spur-of-the-moment act and while he did not think that Brian regretted the decision, he thought it was time to check in. A decision about his living arrangements had to be made soon, and if he were to sign another year's lease at the apartment/studio, he needed to do it in the next week or so. If he needed to move out, he needed to have time to pack his stuff, find an apartment, and a studio as he wasn't certain that he could move back to the artist building. That would be an undertaking he was not looking forward to.

"I don't regret anything. I think that your PSAs and talking everything to death is still something I'm getting used to. I like it when you are here. That hasn't changed. Now, if you are done analyzing money and our relationship, I think we should clean up the dinner dishes and then we can find something more interesting to do. I could use some help in the shower," Brian said, raising his eyebrows and grinning.

"Oh, I think we can put the food away and leave the dishes," Justin suggested.

"Oh no, I don't like walking into a room with dirty dishes. It only takes a few minutes," Brian said.

"It only takes a few minutes," Justin said in unison with Brian.

They both laughed and Justin quickly put the food away while Brian placed the dishes in the dishwasher. Brian cleaned the pots and Justin wiped the counters, leaving a pristine kitchen, just to Brian's liking.

TBC

Month 12

Brian and Cleo sat down at the table in the back of the room as they had been doing for the last 6 months.  They didn't need to look at the menu but each man picked up and quickly glanced at the items, quickly making their decision.  As the waitress came to take their order, she brought a large pot of coffee and placed it in the middle of the table after pouring each man a cup.  Brian took several creamers and packets of sugar and fixed his cup of coffee to his liking.  Cleo watched the methodical way Brian prepared his coffee.

"How was your weekend?"  Cleo asked, not venturing into his sponsor role.  He and Brian had become friends and it was rare that he called him for support regarding his sobriety, yet they still continued their sponsorship relationship. 

"Good.  Justin, Gus, and I went to a food truck event. I cringed when they suggested it but it was fun watching them.  It would have never occurred to me to make an event from eating at a variety of food trucks, but that is what Justin and Gus wanted to do.  There were kids' activities and music.  Gus and Justin had a ball taking pictures," Brian said.

"Sounds like fun.  Food truck events are definitely a thing these days.  Sometimes I find myself looking for the event that a specific food truck will be at so I can grab the food.  It's a lot easier to grab food at a truck event than to go all over town.  It makes it easier too if you're with a bunch of people who want different kinds of food,"  Cleo said.  

"How was your weekend?"  Brian asked, realizing that he was interested to hear about Cleo.  

"Good.  I watched a baseball game on TV and then went to dinner with my wife.  We were celebrating our anniversary.  25 years together,"  Cleo smiled as he thought about all the changes in his life in the last 25 years and was thankful his wife had stood by him during the dark days of his drinking.

"Impressive.  I'm just starting out.  Justin has decided to officially give up his apartment and move in.  We've been doing a trial run these last few months.  It seems to be working out,"  Brian said, informing Cleo of the move.  

"Oh,"  Cleo said as the waitress brought their salads.  Cleo poured a little of the salad dressing on his salad and placed the small cup on the side of the plate in case he wanted more.  "I didn't know that you were thinking about that."

"I didn't really either.  A few months ago I didn't like that he was not there all the time and I asked him to move in.  I decided that was an easy fix for his reasons for keeping his apartment.  I just asked him one night and he said we should try it for a bit before deciding.  His lease was going to be up in a couple of months so it was the perfect time."

"I guess the trial was a success if you guys are officially moving in.  Congratulations,"  Cleo said as he leaned over to clap Brian on the back. 

"We've had our disagreements, but according to Justin, those are expected.  I'm sure we will have more.  At least that is what Justin says.  He is always spouting PSA's and I generally find them true."

"I'm pleased to hear that you have weathered the disagreements without resorting to drinking.  What does Gus think about it?  If you don't mind me asking?"

"I'm sure he will be thrilled.  Before Justin moved in, he was spending every weekend with us.  I don't have Gus during the week so he has no idea that Justin has been living with me during the week.  I know he'll be excited as he is always talking about Justin and me dating and being together like his moms,"  Brian said, thinking back to the various conversations he'd overheard and had with Gus regarding his and Justin's relationship.  "I think he really likes the idea of us together. He's mentioned on many occasions how it would be cool to have two dads like he has two moms."

"When are you going to tell him?"  Cleo said as he stabbed some lettuce and lightly dipped it into the salad dressing on another area of his salad.

"I'll be picking him up on Friday and we'll head to Justin's apartment to help him bring over the rest of his stuff.  Justin has been spending a lot of time packing and going through his stuff this week and we plan on finalizing everything over the weekend."

"Sounds like you have it covered.  I see the excitement in your eyes."

"And..., it is a really big weekend for another reason.  I'm getting my bronze chip on Saturday.  12 months sober!"  Brian grinned, pleased with himself at his accomplishment.

"That is great news.  I knew it was getting close.  What are you going to do to celebrate?"

"Well, I won't be going to the bars,"  Brian laughed at his own joke.  "Justin and I typically go out for a special dinner when I get a chip, but since Gus will be with us, I'm not sure.  Gus and our friend, Emmett, usually cook dinner while we're at AA.  Emmett has been teaching Gus to cook on Saturday nights.  It's worked out really well.  Gus is learning something he enjoys and I didn't have to forgo a meeting on Saturday while I had him."  Brian finished his salad and pushed the plate to the side, signaling that the waitress could remove the plate.  He took a sip of his coffee and poured himself a new cup, preparing it to his liking.  "That gives me a great idea.  I'll call Emmett tomorrow and see if he and Gus can make a special dinner to celebrate.  It will be a special celebration for everyone.  Justin for moving in and me for 12 months of sobriety."  Brian smiled and nodded to himself, pleased with his idea.

"You seem to have everything in control.  What are your plans for your next step, Brian?"

"Next step?  What do you mean?"

"The 12th step in recovery is giving back to the community.  Sharing the message.  Once a person is confident in their recovery and has amassed a certain amount of time sober, they move to the last step, spreading the word of AA."

"I'm sure that not everyone becomes an AA leader.  There aren't enough groups to lead.  I'm not going to buy a billboard either.  I hadn't really thought about it.  Have you got any ideas?"

"The first and most important one is to continue attending AA.  You will always be in recovery and while you don't have to attend daily meetings, it is always good to plan on attending on a regular basis,"  Cleo said as he watched the waitress put down their plates on the table.  

Brian nodded and picked up his knife and fork to cut a piece of his chicken.  Even now, he preferred chicken to a sandwich or beef.  Justin had definitely rubbed off on him regarding his eating habits.

"I'd also continue to keep your journal.  There is no set amount of times you need to write in it.  Not that there was ever a set amount of times I wanted you to write before, but a journal is a good way for you to check in with your feelings."  Cleo picked up his fork and knife and cut into his steak.  Unlike Brian, he ate meat on a regular basis.  He cut open his baked potato and placed a scoop of sour cream and butter inside, allowing the heat to melt the ingredients into the potato.

"I kind of thought I would continue writing in my journal.  I didn't think I would like it at first, but I realized that it has been very helpful in my journey.  I'm glad that you suggested it,"  Brian said as he ate another bite of his chicken and scooped up some rice on his fork.

"You've come a long way, Brian, especially in recognizing your feelings and understanding why you drank, but just because you have reached a year of sobriety, it doesn't all go out the window.  We have talked a lot about your son and his being a key reason why you got sober.  I'm fairly certain that you still have some unresolved issues with his mother and you rarely talk about your family.  I'd encourage you to continue exploring those areas."  Cleo drank some of his coffee and poured himself another cup.  Unlike Brian, he drank his black.  He picked up the fresh cup and blew on it to cool it down before taking another drink from his cup.  

"You're still going to make mistakes in your life.  Now that you are in a relationship and living with Justin, you need to be aware that this may result in arguments and hurt feelings.  It's important to recognize when those occur and to avoid handling those feelings with liquor,"  Cleo added.  He knew how pivotal and important that bronze chip was.  Brian appeared to have taken the 12-step process to heart and had a few major bumps in the road.  While he did not like to be a pessimist, he knew that eventually there would come a time where he would probably be rattled and have to make a conscious decision not to drink.  

"And last but not least, Brian be aware of your friends and family.  You may come across someone else who is struggling with addiction.  Open your heart and hand to them as Justin and I did for you.  No, you do not have to be a sponsor, but a friendly conversation after a meeting or adding comments to a meeting can help your fellow man or woman in recovery with their journey. AA is truly a village."  

"You have a lot of good ideas.  I wasn't really looking to run a group and I'm not comfortable being a sponsor.  Maybe someday, I will want to do that.  But I think you're saying that being involved in AA and helping others with their journey is still spreading the word.  I think I can do that.  I am much more comfortable talking in meetings now than I was in the beginning,"  Brian said as he cut another piece of chicken.  They ate in companionable silence for a few minutes.  

"I expect nothing will change drastically for now.  I still expect to attend meetings most nights.  Maybe 3-4  a week but I think I'll just start with one less a week and see how that goes,"  Brian said, after listening to Cleo's thoughts.  "I've been attending meetings for so long that I haven't even given it a thought.  But I guess with Justin moving in and the two of us spending a lot more time together, we might decide that attending a meeting every night is not needed."

"I'm still here, Brian.  I'll always be here for you until you tell me otherwise.  I expect that you might not attend Monday meetings every week, but I hope you and I still talk a few times a week.  I've seen people who hit their one-year mark and think that they can go back to what they were doing before.  I caution that this is a bad idea.  You've changed but the reason you originally drank is still there.  You have a history of hiding your feelings and not wanting to address them.  You need to be aware that the brain always wants to do what is easy.  It is easier to hide from those feelings than to acknowledge them.  Don't get sucked into your old brain thoughts,"  Cleo said, cautioning Brian from becoming too complacent.

"Okay.  I get it.  Just because I've got a year of sobriety under my belt, doesn't mean that I can revert back to my pre- sobriety behavior.  Honestly, that man is so far removed from the man I am today, I cringe when I think about my life at that time.  It is so much better now,"  Brian said as he finished his dinner.  

"Good to know.  Where is your Saturday meeting?  I'd like to come and see you get your chip,"  Cleo asked.

"It's at the community center by the river.  The meeting starts at 6:00.  You're welcome to come to dinner afterward.  You could meet Gus,"  Brian added, surprised at the request.

"No, but thank you.  It is your celebration.  I just like seeing the people I sponsor when they hit big milestones.  But if Justin is there, I'll let you introduce him to me.  I'd like to meet him as he's had a huge impact on your life this past year,"  Cleo said. He picked up his fork and knife and finished his steak and swirled the last of his baked potato in the sour cream that had fallen out of the inside.  

"Sure.  That sounds like an idea.  Speaking of Justin, I'd like to grab the check so I can get home.  I'm still trying to clean out a few spaces for his stuff,"  Brian said as he waved to the waitress for their check.

"See you Saturday.  Have a good week,"  Cleo said as he picked up the check that the waitress dropped off.  He took his credit card out and laid it on the table with his bill and Brian did the same with his bill.  The waitress picked up the checks and quickly ran their purchases and returned their cards.

Brian drove home and Justin was busy unpacking some of his boxes.  Brian walked into the bedroom and held his tongue when he looked at the mess, understanding that he was unpacking and had to figure out where all of his stuff was going to find a new home.

Justin heard him come in and looked up from his perch on the floor and smiled at him.  " I know it's a mess, but I promise it will be all put away as soon as I figure out where to put things,"  Justin said.  

"I didn't say a word.  I know that moving is a pain and I expected that it would be a mess.  Anything I can help with?"  Brian said as he sat down on the floor next to Justin and the open box.  

"I guess just take the stuff out.  I got to see what all I have before I can figure out where it goes.  I would never have thought I could accumulate so much stuff in 2 years,"  Justin said as he pointed at the box in front of him and the three additional ones by the wall.

They worked together finding places to put Justin's belongings for several hours and Justin was finding it difficult to stifle his yawns.

"Let's go to bed.  You aren't going to finish tonight.  Oh and by the way, Cleo wants to come to the chip ceremony on Saturday.  He said something about meeting you too."

"That's cool.  I'd like that. Since it is Saturday, I guess we're not going to go out to celebrate,"  Justin said, commenting on their usual celebration.

"I'd planned on talking to Emmett and see if he and Gus can make some new dish.  I thought it would be a good time to tell Gus about you moving in too,"  Brian commented, smiling as he thought about Gus' expected reaction.

"I think that would be great.  Are you going to tell anyone else?  Ted, or Debbie?  What about Gus' moms?  I don't think we can ask him to keep that news quiet,"  Justin said, knowing Gus' history of sharing information about his father with his family.

"Sure, I'll tell everybody.  Like you said, it's not fair to ask Gus to be quiet about it. I believe Ted and Emmett and probably Debbie will be happy about it.  Who knows about Gus' moms as they have a weird sense of what is their business?  Either way, I'm excited about being in the open.  I'll have 12 months of sobriety and you are officially moving in,"  Brian said as he leaned down to kiss Justin.  "Come on, let's grab a quick shower and go to bed.  You look exhausted."

They moved the boxes out of the way and grabbed a quick shower, tumbling into bed, and fell asleep very quickly.

The rest of the week went by quickly.  Justin continued to pack up his studio and apartment, bringing the boxes to Brian's and unloading them each night.  Friday came and Brian picked up Gus from school and drove him to Justin's apartment/studio.

"What are we doing here, Dad?  This isn't the grocery and I don't recognize anything,"  Gus asked.  

"We're helping Justin move into his studio.  He's moved all of his stuff into my place and now he just has a few boxes to take to his studio,"  Brian said nonchalantly.

Gus opened his mouth wide and then jumped in his seat, unable to contain his excitement.  "You and Justin are moving in together.  That is so cool.  Are you guys going to get married?  Does that mean he's going to be there every night and not go home?  Wait till I tell Tommy.  He's been asking if I was going to have two Dads.  Is Justin going to be my other Dad?"  Gus asked.

Brian laughed at his enthusiasm.  "Slow down, bud.  Justin is moving in.  No one said anything about marriage.  Justin and you get along really well, but let's hold off on the second dad thing.  Give him time to get used to living with me all the time before we spring that on him.  Besides, you have to ask him if he wants that.  Just because he's living with me doesn't mean he wants that." Brian said, wondering what Justin would think of their discussion.  Justin was used to being with Gus as he was there every weekend. They interacted well together but he didn't know how Justin would feel about taking on the role of a second father.  He left all the parenting decisions to Brian and Brian had no idea if he wanted to have Justin making those decisions with him.  Brian shook his head thinking that this was yet another thing that he and Justin would probably need to talk about in the near future.  Justin frequently reminded him that talking was necessary and as usual, Gus' question had proven, yet again, that he was correct.

"Okay.  But I'm so excited.  Thanks, Dad.  Does anyone else know about Justin?  I mean they've all met him, but do they know he's moving in?"

"No one but you and Emmett know right now.  Emmet and you are making a new dish tomorrow to celebrate.  I told him to invite Debbie and Ted over for dessert.  I thought I'd wait to tell your mom on Sunday,"  Brian said as he opened the door for Gus to walk into the building.

"What floor is Justin on?"  Gus asked as he walked to the bank of elevators.  

"5th floor,"  Brian said and Gus pushed the button for the elevator.

They went up to the 5th floor and Brian pointed to the right.  Gus followed him, practically bouncing down the hall in his excitement.  Brian stopped at room 514 and knocked.  Justin opened the door a few seconds later.

Gus hugged him tightly and said, "You're moving in.  That is so cool.  We are going to have so much fun."

Justin laughed at Gus' enthusiasm.  "I'm glad you like the idea."  He pointed to the boxes stacked against the wall. "These are the only ones left.  After we load them, I'll give the super the key and we can leave. I'm exhausted so I don't know what we'll do for dinner.  I think there are some leftovers from earlier in the week,"  Justin said.

They quickly loaded the boxes, only taking two trips between the three of them.  After Justin returned the key, he followed Brian and Gus to Brian's apartment.  He parked his car and looked at the back seat, filled with his belongings.  A sense of excitement and calm came over him.

It was a new chapter in his life.  He'd been sober for 18 months, had several successful shows under his belt, and now had been dating a wonderful man for 6 months, and they were now moving in together. He was excited about the possibilities.

Gus and Brian helped him bring in the boxes and he put them in the corner of Brian's bedroom.

"You realize that these,"  Brian said, pointing at the boxes.  "Are to be emptied and broken down before the end of the weekend.  Preferably by Saturday night before Emmett comes over."  He smiled at Justin but Justin knew he was not really joking.  After living with Brian for the last several months, he knew and understood how much mess bothered Brian.

"I know.  Of course, you could help me unpack, and then for sure it would be done,'  Justin said, a knowing grin on his face.  

"Dad?  Why don't we help Justin?  We all know how much you don't like a mess,'  Gus chimed in, going over to the boxes and reading the labels on a few of them.

"Fine.  We can help Justin unpack tonight and then tomorrow, we can grocery shop.  I'll even consent to order in while we unpack, seeing how no one really has time to cook,"  Brian said.

"Cool,"  Gus said.  Can we have pizza?  I want pepperoni and ham."

Brian cringed at the description, "Heart attack on a plate.  How about a veggie pizza and we can add sausage?"  He suggested.

Gus frowned but said, "Sure.  Pizza is always good, no matter what is on it."

Brian ordered pizza and the three of them unpacked Justin's boxes finding a place to put most of his belongings.  Some of the contents that were to go to his studio were mixed in with the stuff they brought so Justin reboxed those items to bring to his studio.  

"I can't wait to tell everybody that you moved in, Justin.  It is so exciting.  I know we're going to do so much fun stuff together,'  Gus said as he walked over to Justin and gave him a big hug.  "I've wished for this... you know you and my Dad.  I can't believe that you're actually moving in.  Are you guys going to get married?"

The look between Justin and Brian was filled with a mixture of amusement and hope.  "We're taking one day at a time, Gus.  No one is talking marriage and I'm not chomping at the bit to change anything right now."

Gus shrugged his shoulders, used to Brian's response to the question about marriage.  Secretly he hoped that Justin moving in was the first step to his Dad and Justin getting married.  But either way, he was excited to have Justin at the loft and his Dad was always happier when Justin was around.

The pizza came and they stopped long enough to eat and then returned to their unpacking.  They managed to unpack all of Justin's boxes by 10:00.  Gus yawned and tried to cover his mouth to hide it, but both Brian and Justin saw it.  

"Time for bed, Sonny Boy.  Justin will still be here when you get up.  Maybe, we'll even go to the diner for pancakes in celebration,"  Brian said, smiling at both Justin and Gus, knowing that both men loved the pancakes at the diner.

"Pancakes, yummy,"  Gus said very loudly.  "We should celebrate Justin moving in every week,"  he said, laughing at his own humor.  Gus turned toward his bedroom and got ready for bed.   A few minutes later he called out to Brian and Brian went into the room to tell him good night.

When Brian came out, Justin was not in the living room but he heard the distinct sound of water running.  Smiling, Brian walked toward the bathroom, unbuttoning his shirt and jeans so he could join Justin.  

They showered, shampooing each other's hair and cleaning each other's bodies.  Brian and Justin got a little sidetracked from getting clean and soon found themselves kissing and caressing each other.  Justin dropped to his knees, engulfing Brian's hard cock in his mouth, and quickly sucked him off.  Brian eagerly returned the favor.  

"Hey, I'm getting wrinkled here.  I think we should take this party to our bed,"  Justin said, enjoying saying the words ‘our bed'."  Officially moving in had changed his mindset to think of the place as theirs, not Brian's.  

"Sounds like a plan,"  Brian said as he shut off the water and grabbed each of them a towel to dry off.  They quickly went to bed and continued their explorations into the early hours of the morning.  

Saturday morning they were woken early by Gus who was demanding that he was hungry and wanted to go to the diner.  Begrudgingly, the two men got up and grabbed a quick shower before joining Gus in the living room.

"I'm starving and you promised we would go to the diner,"  Gus reminded Brian.

"Yeah.  We can go to the diner,"  Brian said as he grabbed his phone and car keys.  Justin grabbed his phone and they were ready to leave.

They arrived at the diner and sat at the back booth, the one they typically sat when they visited the diner.  They pulled out the menus but both Gus and Justin knew what they wanted and only Brian had to look at the menu.  Although Brian usually ate the same items for breakfast, he still made the gesture to preview the menu. Debbie came over to the table, pen poised to take their orders.

"You're here early.  What are you up to today?" Debbie asked.

"We're celebrating,"  Gus answered.  "Justin moved in and Dad said since we worked hard unloading his boxes, we could have pancakes for breakfast,"  Gus said, forgetting that his Dad said they would tell Debbie later that night.

Brian shook his head slightly at Gus' eagerness to share every little tidbit of his life but did not get upset.  He knew that Gus would want to share the information and he was okay with everyone knowing about Justin.

"Oh, you don't say," said Debbie, trying to keep her tone light.  "I take it you are happy about this?"

"It's great.  Dad has someone he likes to hang out with and Justin will be around all the time.  What's not to like?"  Gus said.  

Debbie smiled and said, "Congratulations.  I understand why Emmett was so cryptic about me coming over tonight for dessert.  Are you making dessert, Gus?"  Debbie asked as she ruffled the boy's hair.

"Yep.  And it's a surprise.  You'll just have to come over so you see what it is,"  Gus laughed and smiled.

"Okay.  I get off after the lunch shift so I'll have plenty of time to get there.  What'll be, gentlemen?  I can't chit-chat all day,"  Debbie said as she took out her pad and pen from her apron.  

"I want pancakes and so does Justin,"  Gus piped up.

" 2 pancakes.  You want bacon or sausage with that?"

"Bacon for me,"  Justin said "And a pot of coffee."

"Bacon  and a chocolate milk,"  Gus said.

"I'll have an egg white omelet with turkey and cheese, whole wheat toast, and no bacon,"  Brian said as he turned over his coffee cup.

"It'll be right up. Congratulations you two.  I'm proud of you Brian,"  Debbie said.

"So what are we doing today?  Can I see your studio, Justin?"

"I really need to swing by there and bring those boxes that I brought to the house.  I guess we could go by for a bit.  I should really get it organized.  Maybe you and your dad could come by and see it and then go do something together while I work on my studio?"

"Dad, can we go?  Maybe we could help Justin and then we could do something together?"

Brian said, "Sure.  I think that would work.  We don't really have anything planned.  Maybe if we help Justin, we might be able to catch a movie or something later."

Their food arrived shortly and they ate while discussing the options for movies. Gus wanted to see the new Spider Man movie while Justin favored the new Guardians of the Galaxy movie based on the amount of animation involved.  Brian didn't have an opinion.  They settled on Spider Man as Justin wanted to really study the animation and would probably see the movie several times.  

They went back to the loft to grab the boxes that Justin had mistakenly taken there and brought them to his studio.  Gus was enamored by all the art supplies.

"Justin, do you think maybe you could teach me to paint or draw?  Maybe sometime we could come here on a Saturday, especially if Dad has to work or something,"  Gus asked as he eyed the paint, brushes, and canvases.

"Sure, we can come here sometimes and we'll work on some art projects.  Your Dad can join us.  Who knows, he might like to get creative too,"  Justin said, smiling at Brian.  He and Brian had discussed that they were both creative people, each used their creativity in different ways.  He thought it would be fun if all of them spent time creating their own projects. 

"Thanks, Justin.  It's going to be so cool that you live with Dad.  Maybe, I could even come over during the week.  In a few weeks, school will be out and I'll be going to art camp.  Remember, Dad signed me up.  I can't wait.  Maybe, after camp, I can come here and we can do art stuff together?"  he asked, suggesting a way for him to spend even more time with Justin.

Brian knew with summer approaching, he was going to have to alter his schedule to accommodate Gus's summer camp.  He had assured his moms that he had it covered and had signed him up for art camp.  If Justin was willing to have Gus after camp was over, that would work out really well.  "Gus, Justin and I will have to talk about the logistics of that.  But, if it can be worked out, that is a possibility."  Brian turned toward Justin and said, "We can talk about it later.  Right now, let's get these boxes sorted, and then on Monday you will be ready to paint."

They spent a few hours helping Justin unpack and set up his studio.  They had broken down the boxes and taken them to the dumpster behind the building. 

Justin looked over the studio and said, "This is perfect but I know in a few weeks there will be half-painted canvases, tubes of paint on multiple surfaces, and paint on the now pristine tables. Of course, it wouldn't be a studio without all the added colors."

"I can't wait to start art camp.  It's going to be really fun to do art stuff every day.  Do you think the art teachers will know you, Justin?  That would be so cool. I mean maybe they even have some of your stuff,"  Gus asked, thinking it would be fun to live with a celebrity.

Justin laughed at Gus' enthusiasm and said, "I don't know.  Your art teachers may have heard of me, but there are a lot of artists in Pittsburgh."

"Maybe, you could be a student teacher.  You know, come and teach a class.  They have those at my school.  I had one last year.  It was fun."

"You have to go to school to be a teacher, Gus.  I don't mind teaching you but I really don't think I want to be an art teacher.  But thank you for thinking I'm famous.  Maybe one day I'll be famous."

"You're famous to me.  I don't know anyone who has had an art show and sold all their stuff.  That's pretty famous in my book,"  Gus said and gave him a hug.

"Okay, enough Justin adoration here.  I think we said the movie starts at 1:30 and if we intend to see it and have enough time to get Gus back to the loft, we better head out,"  Brian said as he waved his hand toward the door.  

Gus and Justin moved toward the doorway and high-fived each other.  Brian smiled, as he watched his son and Justin, and was happy that they got along so well. 

The three of them went to the movie and returned to the loft where Emmett was waiting for them in the lobby. He had several grocery bags in his hand and smiled when they opened the door to the building.

"I got here a little early, but no one answered the buzzer.  I guess I should have called first.  Anyway,"  He lifted his hand with the grocery bags. "I have all the ingredients for the special dessert, just like you asked.  "Let's get these up to the loft, so you guys can get ready for your meeting and Gus and I can start on dinner."

The four of them took the elevator to the loft and Brian punched in the code, letting them in.  Emmett went to the kitchen, placing the bags on the island. 

"Emmett, Dad and Justin are moving in together.  Isn't that cool.  And, he's been sober for a whole year,"  Gus said, sharing the news with Emmett.  He really liked Emmett and looked forward to their weekly cooking time.  

"I'm so happy for you Brian.  1 year of sobriety is a huge accomplishment.  You're not the same man you were a year ago,"  Emmett said as he gave Brian a hug.  Turning toward Justin he reached out and gave him a hug as well.  "And you, sir, are a big part of the changes.  I'm sure glad that you two met."

"Enough with the hugs and adorations, we have a meeting to attend,"  Brian said as he nodded toward Justin that it was time to leave.

Justin followed Brian to his car and they drove to the meeting.  "I'm so proud of you, Brian.  One year of sobriety is a huge milestone.  We have so much to celebrate; your sobriety, your relationship with Gus, your success at work, and of course, us moving in.  When I started AA and thought about the 12th step, reaching out to another person and sharing the message, I never thought I would end up here."

"I never would have thought it possible either.  Sure, I thought I could get sober.  I can do anything I set my mind to.  But the relationship thing was never on my radar and having someone live with me.... Never would have entered my mind.  But you have infiltrated the Kinney walls and shown me that a relationship is a good thing."  Brian parked the car in the lot and leaned over to give Justin a quick kiss.  "I want to shout to the world that you are mine, but I know we agreed that we keep our relationship away from AA."

"I'm flattered that you want to shout it out to the world, but I agree.  Friends and family only for now.  Guess we should head in."

As they entered the room where the meeting was held, Brian looked around and saw Cleo standing by the coffee station.  "Come on, Cleo's here and I told him I would introduce you," Brian said as he pointed to the coffee area.

When they were standing by the station, Brian said, "Hello, Cleo.  I want to introduce you to my former sponsor, Justin.  Justin, this is Cleo.  Cleo, this is Justin,"  Brian said, trying to keep his voice quiet and somber.

Justin reached out his hand to shake Cleo's hand and Cleo shook it. "Nice to meet you.  I've heard a lot about you.  Congratulations by the way,"  Cleo said referring to their moving in together.

"Thank you.  I've heard a lot about you too.  Well, let me clarify that.  I've heard a lot about your support for Brian,"  Justin said, moving out of the way so other people could get to the coffee pot.  

"Let's go over to the corner so we are out of the way.  It's a little early to sit down,"  Brian suggested.  The three men walked to the corner of the room. The room was nondescript; white tile that had seen many years of wear and beige walls with a few random pictures of flowers interspersed.  It was a meeting room in a community center and there was a pallet of metal folding chairs off to one side.  Next to it were a number of tables that were folded and also on a pallet.  The room appeared large enough for a gathering of 50 people if the tables were set out.  There was an accordion folding door at the edge of the room that could be opened and double the size of the meeting space.  For an AA meeting, the small room was a good size and they could have had a smaller space but it might have appeared crowded.

Brian said, "It's been a busy day. Thanks for coming, Cleo.  Everybody is talking about how big a deal it is.  One year of sobriety.  I guess it is a big deal, but I didn't expect that you would plan on coming."

"I'm your sponsor and I want to celebrate your success.  Of course, I would like to be here.  And while Justin is no longer your sponsor, he was with you for those first 6 months.  Those 6 months and the upcoming 6 months are some of the most critical ones for maintaining sobriety,"  Cleo said.

"What do you mean the next 6 months?  I get the first 6 months, but not the next 6,"  Brian asked.

"Once a person hits 12 months, sometimes they think they have it all figured out. A year is a long time not to have a drink.  Some people start to experiment.  They figure that the alcohol addiction, you know the physical part of things has gone away so they can try drinking again. See how that works.  Other people get tired of working the program.  They don't want to attend meetings anymore as they take up a lot of time.  When you quit attending meetings, the 12 steps sometimes go by the wayside and people revert back to their old behaviors.  There are a lot of things that can happen,"  Cleo explained.  While they had talked about some of this the other night, he wanted to bring it up again.

"Okay.  I get it.  Don't revert back to old behaviors.  Point taken.  I just heard the leader calling the group.  I guess we better join everyone,"  Brian said, waving his hand toward the circle of chairs in the center of the room.  

They found three chairs together and sat down while the other attendees joined the group.  The topic was Ways of Carrying the AA message, a particularly pertinent topic for Brian.  At the end of the meeting, the leader asked if anyone had reached a milestone and Brian raised his hand.

"Hi.  My name is Brian and I'm an alcoholic.  As of today, I've been sober for 12 months.  I will always be an alcoholic, but I know now I can be successful as a recovering alcoholic."

The group members all applauded and the leader took the bag from under his chair, opened it, and gave Brian a Bronze chip.  "Congratulations."

A few others raised their hands and they received their appropriate chips.  

"Thank you all for coming.  Coffee and the donation box are at the back table.  See you next time."

As the meeting broke up, Brian was approached by several members and given handshakes and hugs congratulating him on his milestone. 

"Thank you for coming, Cleo.  I'll see you on Monday,"  Brian said, giving him another hug. 

"Nice meeting you, Cleo,"  Justin said as he shook his hand a second time.

"See you Monday, Brian,"  Cleo said and he walked out of the building, and then searched for his car in the lot.  

They drove home where Emmett and Gus had prepared dinner.  Since Emmett had been asked to make a special dessert to celebrate Brian's 12 months of sobriety, he joined them for dinner.  When they entered the home, Gus greeted them with hugs.

"Dad.  Justin.  Emmett and I made honey garlic chicken and for dessert we made pineapple upside-down cake.  It is the funniest thing.  You make it and then turn it upside down to eat it.  I know it will be yummy,"  Gus said as he waved them toward the table which was already set with four place settings. I'm really hungry. Can we eat?"

"Gus, you and Emmett are getting to be real gourmet cooks.  I can't wait to eat.  Let me wash my hands and then we can sit down,"  Brian said as he made his way to the bathroom.  Justin followed him and washed his hands as well.

Everyone went to the kitchen and brought the platters and bowls to the table.  Brian brought the chicken while Justin brought the salad and Emmett brought the rice.  Gus brought the salad dressing.  After they sat down, they passed their plates to the person in front of the specific food and the person gave them a portion depending on how much they wanted.  Soon, everyone's plate was filled and they started eating.

Justin bit into some chicken.  "This is delicious.  I love honey and garlic together.  Do you know it is a traditional Asian food?  I love Asian and Chinese food too."

Brian ate a bite of chicken as well, and added, "It is very good.  I don't even want to know how much honey is in the sauce.  I'll probably have to get on the treadmill for an extra hour this week just to burn off the calories."

"Brian, you should just enjoy the food and not worry about the calories.  Sometimes I think you miss out on the joy of eating since you are so concerned about the calories and your misguided rules about carbs,"  Emmett said as he bit into the chicken.

"When you get a degree in nutrition, tell me.  Until then, I'm going to keep eating by my rules.  They have served me well.  I still have the same body I did when I was 19,"  Brian said, running his hand down his side.  

"So do I," said Emmett.  "But I eat what I want and exercise occasionally.  I think it has more to do with body type. What about you, Justin?  Do you follow any special diet regime?"

"Oh, not really.  I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.  I limit my eating to those rules and it seems to serve me well,"  Justin said.  He ate another bite of the chicken and some rice.  "There are days when I'm really hungry and there are days when I'm not.  I've learned to listen to my body and eat when I'm hungry and avoid getting too hungry or too full."

"You sound like a PSA again.  I'm dating a walking public encyclopedia,"  Brian said, the teasing evident in his voice.

"You too are something else.  Do you ever agree on anything?  It's a wonder that you too are dating and find some common ground,"  Emmett said, remarking on their relationship.

Neither man responded as they recognized his teasing as well. However, Gus said, "They like a lot of stuff.  Dad and Justin both like museums and art and they like the Incline.  We've gone 4-5 times.  And they are always talking."

"I'm sure that they have many things they enjoy together," Emmett assured him, smiling knowingly at both men.  While he knew that Brian did not go to Babylon anymore, he was pretty certain that the man had not been celibate this last year.  He was sure that they were compatible in the bedroom as well.

They finished eating dinner and cleared the plates as well as put the food away.  

"Should we put out the plates for dessert?  Aunty Emm said that Uncle Ted and Blake and Grandma Debbie are coming to celebrate your 1 year without drinking,"  Gus asked, eager to eat his newest creation.

"Sure.  We can put out the dessert plates,"  Brian said, secretly wondering how their other news would go over.  Debbie seemed to be okay with it and he knew that Ted was always supportive.  He didn't think Blake would be bothered, but he wasn't sure he would approve as Justin had been his sponsor.  

They got out the plates and almost as soon as the forks and serving pieces were placed on the table the buzzer rang.  Gus answered the buzzer and after hearing that it was Ted and Blake, he buzzed them up.  He opened the door to let them in as well.

"We're having pineapple-upside down cake.  Isn't that a funny name for a dessert?  You cook it backwards and turn it upside down to eat it.,"  Gus laughed as he explained the dessert's cooking instructions.

"I love pineapple.  I can't wait to try it,"  Blake said.  He sat down on the couch where Justin and Brian were sitting and picked up a coaster, turning it over and looking at the back.

Ted said, "My mom used to make that dessert.  It was one of my favorites.  I'm sure it will be delicious.  Anything that Emmett makes is always good,"  Ted said, smiling at his friend.  

Emmett was sitting on the chair and Ted had chosen to sit in the second chair.  There was not a lot of room in Brian's living space therefore Gus was sitting on the floor.  He picked up one of the coasters as well and played with it.  He hoped his Grandma would arrive soon so they could have cake.  He wondered what they would do tomorrow.  Justin said something about grocery shopping and he wanted his Dad to buy a new game his friend Tommy had heard about.  There was an art book on the table and he put down the coaster and picked it up to look at, hoping to get inspiration for a future project.  Justin had told him that sometimes looking at other people's work sparked an idea for him.  He couldn't wait to work in Justin's studio with him.

Before he could get very far in the book, the buzzer rang announcing Debbie's arrival.  Gus ran to the door to let her in, his excitement at eating his dessert winning over his patience for all the guests to arrive.

Debbie walked in and gave everyone a hug and a kiss.  With each kiss, she left her infamous lipstick ring and tried to wipe each ring away, but frequently left a red smear on each person's cheek.  "You invited me to some fancy dessert, Emmett.  What is our family coming to that we have a special get-together for dessert?"

"Dad's been sober for 1 year.  We're celebrating.  He said he got a bronze chip and asked Aunty Emm to help me make a special dessert to celebrate."

"Wow, Brian.  A bronze chip.  Today is a special day.  Justin moved in and you got your 1 year chip.  I'm proud of you, son!!!"  She walked over to Brian, engulfing him in a hug that lasts for several moments.  

"Deb, let him go.  He needs to breathe,"  Emmett said.  "Moving in, too.  You are filled with surprises, Brian.  Congratulations on both accounts."  Emmett stood up too and hugged Brian and then Justin.  You two make a cute couple."

Ted followed suit, standing up and giving both of them hugs and their blessings.  "You have a lot to be proud of, Brian.  You are a good man,"  Ted said.  "And Justin, I want to thank you for all you've done for Brian.  He's a changed man and definitely for the better."

Blake high-fived both men and then hugged them.

Gus was tired of all the congratulations and said, "We need to eat dessert.  Remember that is why we came over, to eat dessert."

Everyone laughed and sat down at the table.  Emmett served everyone and as anticipated enjoyed the backwards dessert.

The guests stayed for an hour or so, visiting and talking about their weekend.  First Debbie left stating she had to work tomorrow.  Ted and Blake said they had plans to catch a movie at the retro theater and Emmett excused himself to get ready for a night at Babylon.

"Dad, I'm proud of you too.  I love hanging out with you and Justin and I'm so happy that you two are dating and have moved in together.  I can't wait for Justin to teach me about art and go to summer camp.  Thanks for being you."

Brian went over to hug Gus who had moved to the couch when people had vacated their home.  "I'm proud to be your dad and I did it all for you.  Thanks for being my kid."

Gus beamed at Brian, not realizing the true meaning behind his father's words, but content to know he was loved and everyone's future seemed bright.

The End