Chapter !

While cruising through the outer regions of an as-yet-uncharted solar system, in what the natives of the system - natives whom our gallant voyagers had yet to meet, as would soon be seen - would call the Kuiper Belt, Justloq found himself very bored. Very, very bored. This had been a long and extremely boring mission so far. The crew of the phetWITOLQ had made few profitable discoveries and the commanders back on cUMSHOLK were not happy. They were so unhappy that they’d just extended the mission by another !!! morquips. The whole crew had been very urfelpkip all wutleq since they’d heard the news. But what could one do? Once you’d signed up for the cUMSHOLK navy, you were in it for life. Or until your ship crashed on a strange planet and your body was declared abandoned to the ether. But at least the pay was good, right?

That didn’t mean that Justloq wasn’t going to complain about it, though. “J;lzcxdokuhasd bdlpykibg vdfiuqyb  bthqaty8eefh b qhqpliwoukgb a mndsipfn,” he grumbled as he manned the short-range scanners. Translated to English this equated to something along the lines of, “fly a spaceship, see the universe . . . I must’ve been nuts.“

Daphenn;;wayslakneer, the second mate - who was from a different home galaxy and, since nobody could pronounce her name, was simply called ‘Daph’ by pretty much everyone - had just come off sleep cycle and was busy at the enlarger preparing a meal for the crew by unminiturizing some xcdpzo fruit. She laughed at her companion. “Axdp;el kbjmdn,k Justloq jgvxb;l;z !!! Morquips b xsdpidhb” Or, in English, “Cheer up, Justloq. We only have another !!! morquips. It’s not like it's forever.” When Justloq shot her a dirty look she shook her anterior protuberance at him and added, “;;pxOKCJB Zdjjn b.” Which roughly translated to, “maybe a snack will cheer you up.” She used her ;polkn knives to cut off a serving of xcdpzo and then scuttled it to her crewmate through the air, taking full advantage of the almost-zero gravity of the ship’s interior.

Justloq grabbed at the xcdpzo as it floated past with one of his lateral appendages. Food always helped improve his mood. Although it wouldn’t do anything to stave off his other problem - the fact that he hadn’t shared pleasure with another male for many, many morquips and he was hella horny. So incredibly horny! And XK:Csking off in his sleep pod during his down time wasn’t cutting it anymore. He was almost so horny that even Daph was starting to look attractive, although he didn’t usually enjoy z’dsj;copl with females. Hell, at this point, he was so desperate, he’d even do it with Com’dant Dreebo, not that the Com’dant would lower himself to share pleasure with a mere crewmember from the VL];OXNv classes. But at this point, pretty much anything that involved his pleasure appendage would have been better than the prospect of going another !!! morquips without z’dsj;copl.

Just then the scanner - which had been acting up since they’d left the Draco II Galaxy more than a morquip back - gave out again. “zdk;ojj@@@,” Justloq cursed. “Fuck this piece of excrement!” He used his calibration tool to bang against the scanner’s casing and the machine flickered on and off a few times before going dark again. 

“Xc zdnp, zxbsdp,” Daph offered. “Here, let me.” She snatched the calibration tool out of Justloq’s lateral appendage before he could completely smash the piece of equipment, which he looked like he might just do, he was that annoyed. 

“Dpnlzbk hnkposa#@.” Justloq handed over the tool and stepped back. “Go for it!” Justloq grabbed another piece of xcdpzo with his unfurled mouth appendage as it floated past his head, pulling the fruit close enough so he could take a big bite. “gpewacsghl/” he complained. “Overcooked.”

“v0naY5BHFGAD F DHINPls,” Daph replied calmly as she tinkered with the scanner. “You’re welcome to take over cooking duty if you think you can do better.”

Justloq was about to tell Daph to z’dsj;copl off when their griping was interrupted by the scanner flickering back to life. Only, instead of more boring images of asteroids and the occasional random comet, they were apparently picking up a communication transmission of some kind. There was a visual of several pale-skinned, almost hairless, biped males who were making odd grunting noises and doing very interesting things with their pleasure appendages! Now THIS was more like it! 

“Abpka t v>>” Daph mumbled, her lower mandible dropping and her mouth appendage lolling out. “What the hell do you call that?”

“avnpNIP BFH!2#” Justloq responded, his anterior bulb appendages waggling with excitement. “I don’t care as long as they keep doing it!” 

“But where’s it coming from?” Daph asked, examining the scanner monitor to try and locate the source of the transmission. “Abpnvty z ghap ty;adgh.”

“Avoeuiyb fv@ VLBS ZZhvhfvh,” Justloq replied, floating closer so he could rub his lower torso up against the casing of the scanner in an attempt to relieve the growing pressure there. “Who cares! They are beautiful. And male. That’s all that matters!”

“Av pthepiadfgjdhg ta ;; a taepy v,” Daph asserted, nodding as she determined the source of the transmission. “It appears to be coming from the third planet of this G-type yellow dwarf system.” She tried to take over the scanner controls from Justloq so she could redirect the scanning beam, but her crew mate wasn’t having it. 

“Zv ptuz@” Justloq screeched angrily. “Get the fuck away!”

“But our mission is not to eavesdrop on primitive natives,” Daph chided him. “A ;voeu jdbfjagv u v thep ))  thaeh.” “We are supposed to be looking for profitable mining resources.”

“Z’dsj;copl av tehp# Daph,” Justloq growled. “Fuck that! I need this, Daph. I haven’t seen another male in !!!$$$! morquips!”

Just then, the larger of the pale bipeds inserted his pleasure appendage into the zagnut of the smaller, even more pale, biped and began a strangely erotic dance. Justloq was very aroused by the sight. He had never thought to try that with his own pleasure appendage but thought it looked like it might be fun. And the pale bipeds were curiously attractive, despite their lack of pigment or hair. Maybe it was just the fact that he’d been without the pleasure of another male for far too long, but he just couldn’t look away from the dancing male biped images. Even Daph had become so entranced by the show that she had left off trying to redirect the scanner. They both just floated there, rubbing their torsos against the equipment casing, each caught up in their own rising pleasure. 

Unfortunately, just when the biped dance seemed like it was about to come to some exciting conclusion, as evidenced by the increasingly voluble utterances of the participants, the scanner’s screen went dark. 

“$$$sav pouaaofdh P8 EF@%^” Justloq cursed, looking around to find Com’dant Dreebo standing behind them, the falangi of his lateral appendage twisting the disconnect circuit for the scanner. 

“A dwa avdih hy@” Dreebo ordered. “Get back to your duties before I have you hy@’ed.”

“Vzpodisub Dreebo jgdhp d d d av odsy#” Justloq pleaded. “But, Dreebo . . . They were just getting to the good part!”

“asvpdoaighgg d tad buhre#” Dreebo repeated. “I said, back to your duties! Now!”

Justloq obeyed, because he had no choice, but he wasn’t happy. He didn’t want to look for more avpeidutdshf mining opportunities. He wanted to watch the male bipeds doing their pleasure dance. Oh well, what was a avpdfoh to do? He’d have to follow orders or be hy@’ed. But, as soon as Com’dant Dreebo took his next sleep cycle, you could be sure that Justloq would be back at the scanner looking for his new favorite biped natives . . .”

*VSOPDIFU  z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

Brian was so incredibly bored. 

It was Saturday night and he was standing amid a sea of beautiful male bodies, the music was blaring out of the speakers surrounding Babylon’s disco-lighted dance floor, and yet he was just so bored he thought he might scream. ‘Been there, done that,’ he thought to himself as he scanned the available options nearby. Nothing really interested him, though. He lifted his glass and slammed back the JB then signaled to the bartender for a refill. Maybe, if he got drunk, he’d find someone to fuck that wouldn’t at least make him want to gag. Fuck he was bored. Same men. Same music. Same old shit. I mean, where was the challenge anymore?

“Wow! Look at him!” Ted exclaimed, pointing to a half-naked muscle queen who sauntered past where the Powerpuff Girls were huddled next to the bar.

Even his fucking friends were boring. They said the same thing - literally the exact same shit - every single time they came out. And worse, they never did anything about it! They were too timid and repressed to even go up and talk to any of the hotties they ogled from afar. It was so fucking pathetic and tedious. Was it really any wonder Brian was so bored?

“Damn! I’m so fucking horny,” Ted complained, practically salavating as yet another hunk strutted past the Tedious Trio. 

“Oh, what’s wrong, Baby. Blake not putting out enough?” Emmett teased his friend while pulling Michael around so he could pretend to fuck the shorter brunet through his clothes in order to rub it in even more for poor, unexciting Ted.

“Unfortunately, no . . .” Ted confessed, looking like a whipped puppy. “He’s been working the night shift at the clinic for the past two weeks and the only times the two of us have been home at the same time, he’s been too tired to . . . You know.”

“Two weeks!” Emmett seemed scandalized. “You haven’t had sex in TWO WEEKS! Quick! We need to do something before it shrivels up and falls off!”

Michael laughed sycophantically and Ted shook his head, lightly hitting Emmett with the back of his hand. Brian sighed. He’d watched this exact same scene play out how many times over the years? Seriously, why was he friends with these losers anyway?

“I hear oysters are good for potency. Maybe you should slip Blake some for dinner tomorrow,” Michael teased with his patented loopy grin. 

“Yeah, I tried using oysters once,” Emmett interrupted. “But they kept slipping off . . .” 

And the Three Dweebs cackled with laughter like a pod of middle school boys. 

Brian was just so fucking bored. 

“Hey, Brian! Got any tips for Teddy?” Emmett asked with an unmanly giggle. “Come on, share some wisdom. What’s your secret? And how do you feel about oysters?”

“Brian doesn’t need fucking oysters, Em,” Michael, Brian’s very own personal cheerleading squad, spoke up. “If Brian got any more potent, he’d kill somebody!”

The goon squad laughed their pathetic little heads off again and Brian thought, briefly, about killing THEM. Hey, at least it would relieve the boredom. Instead, he downed another glass of Beam and stole Mikey’s beer as a chaser. Then he again looked around the club at the assembled men and tried to muster even a minimal level of interest. But nothing. He just couldn’t be bothered to care any more. Even the prospect of an orgasm didn’t tempt him to go through the same old motions another time. 

The premiere stud of Liberty Avenue had become so jaded he didn’t even want to fuck. What was the world coming to? How pathetic was that? But what, exactly, was the point any more? None of the losers here were worthy of a trip to the backroom with the reigning stud. Maybe it was time to get the fuck out of Pittsburgh altogether? If only . . .

“Hey, Bri. What’s the matter?” Michael asked, apparently noting that his idol wasn’t being his usual promiscuous self. 

“It’s a troll-fest tonight,” Brian drawled and emptied his stolen beer. 

“Uh . . . Is he looking at the same guys I’m looking at?” Ted asked, eyeing yet another shirtless, wanna-be wonder who was just then ambling up to the bar.

“I’ve had him,” Brian explained. He turned around and looked towards the dance floor. “And him. And him too . . .” He growled under his breath. “This is pointless. I’m out of here. Maybe there’s some fresh meat at the baths.”

Michael tried to latch onto Brian’s arm to keep him in place, but Brian shook him off. Michael had been acting even more clingy than normal lately, probably on account of the recent crash and burn of his relationship with Dr. Dave. Brian did NOT want to encourage him in that regard; even better reason to bug out early. No need to feed into Mikey’s rebound tendencies or his innate sense of hero worship. Let him live out his fantasies through his comic books rather than through Brian’s backroom exploits. Brian wasn’t some alien-come-to-Earth superman; he was just a bored gay man who apparently needed to figure out a way to get his fucking groove back. Hanging out with his nerdy highschool best friend was definitely not the way to accomplish that. 

Brian pushed through the throng of gawkers by the front door and made his way out of the club. His car was parked in the alley nearby so he didn’t have to walk far, which was probably a bad thing seeing as he could have used a bit of fresh air to counteract the alcohol in his system. That last beer might have been a mistake. He wasn’t in the mood to sit around in a cold car waiting, though, so he figured he’d risk it. He wasn’t drunk, drunk - just a bit tipsy - and if he hurried home, he figured he could make it before the bulk of the alcohol hit his bloodstream. Fuck it, right? At least it wasn’t too far from the club, which was located on the northern edge of downtown, to his loft in the Strip District. He’d driven in worse condition without any problems.

Just to be safe, though, he decided to go the back way. Instead of pulling out onto the main drag of Liberty Avenue, where the cops liked to stake out possible DUIIs leaving the bars, Brian turned left and headed west. He drove around the back side of the Convention Center and then took the 10th Street Bypass which paralleled the Three Rivers Heritage Trail and the Allegheny River. His plan was to cut over when he reached Sixth and backtrack to Fuller from there. 

It was a clear night and, luckily, there didn’t seem to be any traffic at that late hour. The Jeep was the only car on the Bypass. But, since he wasn’t in any hurry, Brian took his time, admiring the moonlight shining off the water. In his slightly drunken state he got a little distracted by the pretty way the streetlights seemed to glitter and meld together into an impressionistic canvas on the placid river surface. It was serene. It was peaceful. It was soothing.

Or at least it WAS soothing until, all of a sudden, the night sky was lit up with a blinding flash of white light. Brian raised his arm to block out the painful illumination, letting go of the steering wheel, and causing the Jeep to swerve towards the greenway on the right of the Bypass. As his right front tire edged off the pavement, jumping the curb and slowing his momentum as soon as the car got bogged down in the grassy verge, he tried to correct the skid to get the car back onto the street. However, the wheel was too mired in the mud and the Jeep came to an abrupt stop, almost tipping over as Brian desperately stomped on the brakes. If he’d been going any faster, he probably would have rolled the fucking Jeep. 

As it was, it was a good thing the mud had helped stop him where he had because that initial flash of light was followed almost immediately by a large metal object - something roughly the size of large jet ski or maybe one of those super-small electric cars - which hurtled across the road right in front of him. If the Jeep had still been moving down the street, it would have been wiped out by whatever had just careened across both lanes of traffic, skipped across the breadth of the greenway, and landed in the shallows of the river nearby. Brian was momentarily paralyzed. He just sat there, frozen in shock, trying to slow his breathing as he watched the metal object that had almost flattened him, slowly sink into the Allegheny River.

“What the fuck?” the startled man muttered, getting out of his car and jogging across the greenway so he could get a better look at whatever had almost creamed him. 

Unfortunately, the object, whatever it was, had already slipped almost all the way under the water. All he could see were lights blinking up at him from the shallows. Without any other reference, he just assumed it was another car that had apparently crashed into the fucking river. Which meant that the driver was now trapped inside and about to drown in front of his very eyes. 

“Hang on!” Brian yelled to no one in particular as he picked his way down the muddy river bank, thinking he could maybe wade out and help get the door of the vehicle open before it sank too far, thus helping the driver out. 

This just wasn’t Brian’s night, though. He’d only taken three steps down the bank before his foot slipped in the mud, causing him to topple sideways. As he fell, he hit his head against a rock, knocking himself unconscious, and proceeded to tumble the rest of the way down the slope into the freezing cold water.

*VSOPDIFU  z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

Justloq had followed orders and spent a boring a;yvlx or two surveying the nearby asteroids, cataloging the mineral composition of each, and storing the information in the ship’s database in preparation for the daily transmission of data back to the home sector. It was mind numbingly tedious work but that was his job and it wouldn’t help to complain. Secretly, though, Justloq was just biding his time until he might get another chance to check out the transmissions from those pale bipeds again. At least his private fantasies about the big male with the large pleasure appendage kept Justloq’s mind occupied while he labored through his duties for the rest of the shift.  

The moment that Dreebo returned to his sleep pod for the next rest cycle, Justloq had redirected the scanner back towards the small blue planet. Upon closer examination, it appeared that this planet was infested with the odd-looking bipeds. In fact, the planet was practically overrun with the creatures. It looked like a mess down there. 

While scanning the planet, Justloq picked up quite a number of transmissions similar to that first one. The airwaves around the planet were teeming with all manner of transmissions. Amid all the clutter, however, Justloq couldn’t find the one he was looking for with the pretty pale biped males doing those intriguing things with their pleasure appendages. He was so disappointed. It wasn’t fair. He had really been looking forward to finding out what happened at the end of the dance when the big male put his appendage in the little one’s zagnut. But, after quickly examining several hundred of the biped transmissions and still not finding the one he’d been looking for, Justloq gave up and instead started scanning the surface of the planet, hoping to observe similar behavior directly from the biped inhabitants. 

In part because the planet was so overcrowded, though, it was difficult to get a good scan of the surface bipeds. Justloq found many bipeds moving around, but none were doing the interesting things those males in the transmission had been doing. Justloq was getting frustrated; watching the bipeds moving across the surface in their primitive vehicles wasn’t what he’d been hoping to see. After several zpvays, Justloq decided that, perhaps, if he got a closer look, he might eventually find what he’d been looking for. At this distance the scanners weren’t powerful enough to see inside the biped shelters, but if he moved the ship closer to the planet, maybe he’d be able to pick up more?

Moving over to the directional controls, Justloq reset the coordinates and, within mere a;ifds, the ship was propelled a few dozen light years closer to the small blue orb. Now, THIS was more like it! With the scanner on high intensity, Justloq began to examine the closest continent, now on the dark side of the planet’s rotation, looking through various shelters for a place of congregation of males where he might discover more of the intimate behavior he’d previously observed in the transmission. 

It took awhile but Justloq was persistent. He eventually located a large shelter in what appeared to be a major locus of habitation a few do;fpaf inland from the coast of the continent he’d been scanning. This shelter was packed full of attractive-looking male bipeds, just like the ones he’d observed in that transmission. They were all dancing together to loud, oddly repetitive noise reverberations, which seemed pointless to Justloq. However, in one interior chamber, walled off from the rest of the shelter, Justloq finally discovered what he’d been looking for. Several of the male bipeds in this chamber were engaging in the pleasure appendage dance he’d been so intrigued by. 

“cxzmdklpn# at;elay gnq m;klqv knlafeh xMZLck#” Justloq chuckled to himself. “Oh, yeah! Rub that appendage, baby. Rub it!”

“X dops;k VADS .m,edfklb xcd;,l[pdsvbkp,” Daph whispered in Justloq’s ear as she floated past. “You know you’re going to get in so much trouble if Dreebo finds you watching this shit instead of doing your work.”

“Z’dsj;copl off, Daph!” Justloq ignored his crew mate and zoomed in for an even closer look as one darker-skinned biped male stroked his pleasure appendage against the zagnut of a smaller male. “I have needs, you know. Needs that haven’t been met in far too long. I deserve a few hours of downtime.” Daph just shook her anterior protuberance disapprovingly. “Daspghklb fdah D S za mkpsaelv v,” Justloq quoted a familiar adage. Roughly translated, this equated to “All work and no play makes Justloq a dull mkpsaelv.”

So, since it didn’t look like Justloq was going to listen to her well-intentioned warning, and because the pleasure appendage dancing really was exciting to watch, Daph decided she might as well join in on the fun. The two lust-starved cUMSHOLKians spent the next few pcdjkav watching the proceedings going on in the shelter on the edge of the northern continent with much enjoyment. These males really were attractive and the dance was stimulating. Both Daph and Justloq agreed they’d like to try out the biped dance for themselves someday. Hopefully someday soon.

“Dsd avml;ad;ugvifh a ;lkfda#” Daph pointed out one especially attractive male. “Look at that one! The large, thin male with the brown growth on the top of his anterior protuberance. He’s hot!”

The male that Daph had singled out was truly an exquisite specimen. He was taller than most of the other bipeds in the chamber and with his mostly hairless body, it was easy to see that he had excellently well-developed musculature. He looked quite strong. Justloq admired the male’s smooth, well-timed movements as he did his part in the dance. You could tell from the way the other male bipeds deferred to him, that this male was considered a leader among the pleasure dancers. Justloq was quite taken with this particular male and watched with longing as first one male knelt at the leader’s feet, taking the leader’s pleasure appendage into his mouth cavity, and then, once the leader was done with that one, a second male removed its posterior clothing and allowed the leader to insert his pleasure appendage in the second’s zagnut. 

“aeofijoihf idshf tadsf th aepasidfd” Daph commented. “Shit! That one is hot! I’d let him z’dsj;copl me in a dsoIn!”

“As if!” Justloq gave his friend a dismissive look. “A;d iop;aubvd n;eatv a spdia;orvew#, Daph.” “This one is obviously not interested in females like you, Daph. He’s team male!”

“Asd; oij afsdovjn el akngfdih v#” Daph argued. “You don’t know that. He might like females too. Or maybe even nomimales like Dreebo. We don’t know anything about this species’ culture or their pleasure rites.”

“Trust me, Daph. I can tell,” Justloq maintained. “;sdaoiodsitev ta s;dofi a fodijnd.” With a nod at the screen towards the Leader who was just then leaving the small pleasure chamber, Justloq smiled and flicked his mouth appendage at his friend in a lascivious gesture. “I can tell a male lover when I see one!”

This led, inevitably, to yet another argument between the two over which of them was the more sexually desireable. It was a discussion they’d had many times over the many empty morquips of this mission. Both Justloq and Daph were primarily attracted to males and that led to a sense of friendly competition any time they’d get onto the topic of an attractive male; each thought he or she would be the one to tempt the target with their superior pleasuring skills. But, then again, what else were two horny beings trapped in a spaceship on a long-range survey mission supposed to talk about? If it weren’t for bragging about their pleasure exploits, they’d have very little to say at all. 

“Oh look!” Daph pointed to the screen where they’d been following the movements of the pretty Leader as they argued. “;oihd snadafvh oahu vasdf 8dh taIDh8#” “The pretty one is leaving.”

“ASDOFIJ#” Justloq complained. “No! I liked him the best.” He moved the scanner’s controls to try to follow the pretty male but overcompensated for the distance and lost the target for a minute. 

“Sd;oan kn#” Daph grabbed for the controls “Let me, you big oaf. He’s getting away!”

“Wait! There he is!” Justloq squealed as the scanner zoomed back and then went past the Leader again, just as the male was leaving the shelter where the rest of the males continued to move their bodies to the reverberating noises. “Sa;o dijpvoi nokc” “Go back! Go back the other way.”

Daph adjusted the scanner again but it was difficult to keep the male they were following in focus. The ship was just too far away from the planet to make precision scanning possible. Daph kept losing the target male and, once the male got into a metal vehicle and began to move across the planet surface, their task only became more difficult. 

“A;podsi vcn asdsoi hh,” Justloq advised, adjusting the location controls of the ship in order to move even closer to the planet. “Don’t let him get away!”

With both of them working together, though - Daph on the scanner and Justloq manipulating the guidance controls until the phetWITOLQ was hovering just a few ;aodsinf above the northern continent of the small blue planet - they were able to keep track of the pretty male as his surface vehicle moved around the habitation locus. Sadly, Justloq was so taken with the pretty leader that his eyes kept drifting over to the scanner screen and he wasn’t really paying close attention to the guidance control monitors. As a result, the ship accidentally moved too close to the planet’s gravity well, which of course set off the emergency proximity alarms. Justloq was so startled by the clanging sirens going off directly over his head that he actually dropped the controller and the device went spinning off through the cabin’s near-zero gravity interior. Both Justloq and Daph immediately grabbed for the controller at the same time, bumping their anterior protuberances together painfully, and causing both crew members to float posterior-over-anterior in backwards somersaults moving in the opposite direction of the controller. By the time they’d righted themselves, the spinning guidance controller device had crashed through the glass cover of the emergency landing system. 

“As;odnf apoethdofi d ###” Com’dant Dreebo screamed, his angry voice loud enough to be heard even over the sirens going off. “What the hell is going on? What have you two losers done?”

But that was the last thing anyone in the ship said before they crash landed without guidance on the surface of the small, blue planet. 

The spacecraft dove towards the ground, skimming over the street right in front of the surface vehicle the male biped had been navigating, skipped for a few apsodfs, and then came to a stop within the boundaries of a small H2O confluence. Thankfully, the emergency system had automatically engaged all safety measures, so the occupants of the ship were protected from the impact of the crash. Not so much, though, for all the ship's mechanical systems, several of which were damaged by the rough landing. It took a few a;podins to get the operational systems back online, but the crew was well trained for just this type of emergency and - when they weren’t distracted by ogling beautiful terrestrial males - they were more than competent to handle their duties. Daph had the external monitors up and running almost immediately while Justloq began a diagnostic scan and Dreebo gave the command to disengage the emergency landing system protections. It soon became obvious, however, that the physical damage to the exterior of the ship, as well as some related damage to the internal operating systems caused by exposure to the heavy H2O confluence, would not allow them to take off again right away. 

It seemed they were going to be stuck on this little blue planet for a while; at least until they could complete the necessary repairs. 

As Justloq and Dreebo were discussing the logistics of starting these repairs, they were interrupted with more bad news. From where she was hovering at the communications panel, Daph spoke up and brought their attention back to the external scanners. It looked like they had company.

“A;o dincd a osdo if nte,” Dreebo directed as the three shipmates watched the beautiful male they’d been following get out of his surface vehicle and approach the edge of the river where the phetWITOLQ was mired. “Prepare to engage cloaking shields.”

Daph twisted some dials but nothing happened. “A pdoiS;nadsknfp a spdfnads d,” Daph explained. “Shields are still offline, Com’dant.”

“z’dsj;copl#” was the Com’dant’s rather unprofessional reply.

“asodifn## a;odsimf#” Justloq exclaimed as they watched the beautiful male slip in the H2O saturated dirt and tumble down the hill, landing in the cold liquid that was lapping at the spaceship. “Oh no! He’s hit his anterior protuberance! I don’t think he has liquid breathing capabilities. He’ll drown!”

And, before Dreebo could stop him, Justloq was headed into the airlock and had pushed the control that would allow him to exit the ship. He hadn’t even thought to check to see if the atmosphere was amenable to cUMSHOLK lifeforms; he’d just acted on impulse. He simply couldn’t let the beautiful male die. Especially when both the crash and, as a direct result, the male’s fall down the hill into the H2O confluence, were his fault. Damn his stupid horny curiosity! If he thought with his anterior protuberance more often and not with his pleasure appendage, he wouldn’t always be getting himself into these situations. But it was too late to worry about that. Right then all Justloq cared about was saving the poor injured male. 

*VSOPDIFU  z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

 

Chapter !!

Brian was awakened by some high-pitched screeching noises. He thought for a minute that maybe his DVR was on the fritz again; it had done that once before when the tracking for the audio had gotten messed up and all the voices sounded like they were on hyper-speed. Only, hadn’t he tossed that old one and got a new model just a couple of weeks back? He hoped to hell the new one that he’d paid an arm and a leg for wasn’t fucked up now too. 

As he blinked his eyes open, he was surprised that everything around him looked blurry and the colors were way too bright. This couldn’t be his loft. He wouldn’t be caught dead with this much gaudy shit around him. So, then, where the fuck was he?

“a;oDI jfpafodi asdf ih dofin dsoinf aetihednv doh  aa9a4 thsdf ka nsdh sad;o”###” The screeching noises continued. 

“;doih spoafdl; thad  ndo; dfhq[w98eyt disfh ;sdn asdsodnfoaeitnoihdv Sddf d#” Another screech, this one a different timbre coming from his left, screeched back at the first noise. 

“Apoijoaiapoid  aoid aopifd tipa otaifd 9085 SDF PAUDSFH SD; A#aod#” It was followed by a third screech that seemed to be coming from somewhere behind him this time. 

‘Okay, something is seriously wrong here’, Brian thought, raising his hand to his face to try and rub away the blurriness from his vision. It wasn’t till his hand was hovering over his face that he realized that he was wet and the liquid dripping down onto his face was coming off his soaking wet jacket sleeve. “What the fuck?”

“WAA tA fOOOck?” 

“WHA THE FOOO?”

“Waaat zaa Fook?”

Three separate voices, coming from three different directions, mimicked him. 

Brian sat straight up and finally looked around himself. 

“AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” He screamed - sounding like a panicked little girl - as loudly as he could until he ran out of breath to scream with. 

“AAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” repeated the three beings that were huddled around him. 

Since it didn’t seem like screaming was helping, Brian finally shut up and the three mimics also stopped screaming. That was a relief. Brian didn’t think his head could handle any more screaming. He already had a killer headache. He raised one hand to his head and was startled all over again when he felt a large lump there. 

“Fucking hell. What the fuck is going on here? Am I dreaming?”

“Ama dreeeemig?”

“Aaaamma dreeming?”

“AM I dreemmmmig?”

The three copycats repeated, each one also copying his movements and holding one hand up to the side of its own head. 

“Fucking Anita!” Brian cursed, shaking his head to try and clear his thoughts, although he doubted that would help. “That wasn’t E. That was some shit somebody cooked up in a bathtub in Tijuana. Fucking A . . .”

“Teea wannnnna fookin nay.”

“Tia guanna FOOgin nay.”

“Foog in aaaayyy.” 

The chorus line echoed. 

Trying not to move too fast, Brian scooted over to the edge of the surface he was lying on and held up a hand to ward off the hallucinations who were circling around him. He’d seen some weird shit in the past, including that one time he’d done shrooms and thought he’d turned into his mother, but he’d never had a trip like this one before. This was some truly weird shit! What kind of drugs caused you to see psychedelic-colored furry aliens who spoke in some weird gibberish? Fuck, he was going to have to join NA or some shit and permanently swear off drugs for good after this, wasn’t he?

“I don’t know what the fuck is going on here, but can one of you please just kill me now and put me out of my misery?” Brian pleaded just as another painful throb in his head made him feel like he was about to puke. 

“A;odisj odf adsifd,” screeched the fuzzy ultramarine blue one as it inched closer to him with one hand held out in front of him. It seemed to Brian like the thing was asking permission to approach. Brian groaned and nodded, hoping this particular hallucination knew first aid. 

“ds;ao ijsodm asdoiafj odinfoe8t yv dso:IUh p928,” warned the larger red creature, reaching out to grab the blue one as if trying to hold Blue back. 

“SD:POAij doi dfahrO(e dsknf aoihfsd,” Blue replied and, ignoring Red’s warning, the nice blue creature came closer to Brian. 

“Aop;dijsdoi jaewijdmc sxjc wefhovd ds,” the yellow one added, handing something to Blue. 

“Aas podimdspoiweai dasd asdiadsit ehe,” Blue said, this time modulating his screech to a much lower decibel level so that at least it didn’t exacerbate Brian’s headache. Then the creature held the thing Yellow had given him up to the side of Brian’s head. There was a short burst of air and a whirring sound before, miraculously, the pain in his head disappeared. “Apodijd ds oijdom teh tiii.”

“Thanks. I think,” Brian offered. “So, what the hell is this place supposed to be?” He gestured around him to the garish decorations in the room where they were all gathered. “Am I, like, hallucinating an alien abduction or something? Cuz, if so, I’d prefer to be the one doing the anal probing, if you don’t mind.”

“Eeef yoooo don myyyd,” Blue repeated. 

“This is too trippy,” Brian huffed a half laugh, shaking his head, and turned so he could climb back up on the surface he’d been lying on when he first opened his eyes. “I think I’d better just sleep this one off. Wake me up when the trip’s over, please.”

Before Brian could close his eyes though, the little yellow one screeched something and both the other furry aliens turned to look at where Yellow was pointing to what looked like a large computer screen. The image on the screen seemed to show a line of police cars, speeding down a road, all with their lights flashing and sirens wailing. There was a hurried and intense screeching session between Brian’s three hallucinations and then the big red one pointed towards Brian. Brian did not think that was a good development. The yellow one moved a dial next to the computer screen and the scene flashed to a different view, this one showing his Jeep with the hazard lights still flashing and one tire stuck in the mud. Another brief screeching session ensued and then it seemed that an agreement had been struck.

The blue creature turned and began to approach Brian again with its hands held out in a gesture of openness. “Osdfn aoind sihtrehd dhadi,” it said. 

“I have no idea what you’re saying,” Brian replied, not sure where this hallucination was heading. 

Blue seemed to pause a minute to think. In the background, the yellow one was again looking at the image of lines of police cars bowling down a highway somewhere. Yellow let out another screech that seemed to spur on Blue. Meanwhile, Red was busy twisting some dials and pushing some buttons, looking very official. ‘At least this is an amusing hallucination’, Brian thought to himself. 

“Justloq,” Blue screeched at Brian as he approached, putting one furry blue hand to its forehead and sort of bowing a little. 

Brian decided to go with the flow and repeat what Blue had said, “Jusstok?”

Blue nodded its head and repeated the word, “Justloq,” again touching its own forehead. Then Blue touched Brian’s forehead and waited in what seemed to Brian to be a questioning manner. 

“Oh, I’ve seen this movie before. This is where the aliens try to establish a line of communication by introducing themselves. Right,” Brian summarized. “My name is ‘Brian’.” When Blue didn’t seem to understand the long string of words, Brian said his name again, this time slower. “Bri-an.”

“Brrrry-on,” Blue said. 

“Close enough,” Brian shrugged. 

“Brrryon,” Blue repeated with a grimace on its face that Brian thought might be the alien equivalent of a smile. Then Blue pointed to the computer screen where yellow was monitoring the police. “A;podisd sadoijds e thesadn sadoih t8eyhd nsd#,” Blue explained. Brian shrugged and shook his head, not understanding what the hallucination wanted. “Brrryon. Ons ohte.”

Red apparently wasn’t keen on waiting around until the slow human had figured things out, though. With a curt, “OAOSE HRAA ##W,” Red gestured toward Blue and then screeched something else at Yellow. 

Without further leave, the blue creature moved closer to Brian then actually picked the larger man up in its arms. Brian was impressed; little Blue didn’t look that strong but those arms felt pretty sturdy. He didn’t bother struggling because, drug-induced hallucination, right? He just let Blue carry him over to where the other two were standing together in this circle of light near the far end of the spaceship. Red twisted a dial on its belt and the ceiling above them all opened up to expose the familiar starry Earth sky. Then, to Brian’s utter amazement, with another twist of that weird dial on its belt, all four of them - the three furry aliens as well as Brian - started to get larger and larger and larger until they were big enough to simply step out of the spaceship and climb onto the top of the partially submerged ship. 

“Hey. Neat trick. How’d you do that?” Brian asked. 

Nobody answered him. But Blue did take that opportunity to get a better hold on Brian’s body with its arms before hunkering down a little and then leaping clear across from the top of the spaceship to the top of the grassy bank, a distance of more than thirty feet. Brian, who was still under the impression that this was a crazy drug trip, just laughed. Both Red and Yellow followed Blue’s example, jumping to safety atop the river bank. Then, with yet another twirl of the gizmo on its belt, Red pointed a small wand thing at the spaceship, and Brian watched as the ship physically shrunk until it was about the size of a toaster oven. He didn’t see how they got it out of the water, though, because Blue was already carrying Brian across the asphalt that made up the Three Rivers Trail towards the waiting Jeep. Brian, who was still feeling a little light headed, tottered a little when Blue set him down on the grass near the edge of the road, and the kind blue creature put one hand on the man’s shoulder to steady him. Then, with the other hand, he effortlessly picked up the Jeep by its front bumper, lifting it up from where the front right tire was stuck in the mud, and gently set the vehicle down again in the road. 

“Really, really neat trick, Jusstok,” Brian complimented, earning himself another of those odd smile-like grimaces. 

“Paosidcj ap9s8evrdissdohh asdoid a d a#,” Red barked, coming up behind Brian with Yellow on its heels. 

“Aoidj asdoi ateyddfa#” Blue responded immediately, hoisting Brian up and deftly depositing the man in the driver’s seat of the vehicle as the three furry aliens climbed into the car as well. 

Brian, who didn’t have a clue where this drug-dream was supposed to be going, figured that he might as well head on home where, after a good night’s rest, he could hopefully recover from whatever THIS was. Putting the car in gear, he pulled back into the lane of traffic and just continued on his way as if he hadn’t been run off the road, almost drowned, and rescued by furry aliens. In the distance, as he drove, Brian could hear several police sirens wailing. Since he really didn’t want to get stopped by the cops and have to explain his drinking and drug use, he sped up a bit and made it to the turn at 6th Street just as the first flickering police lights appeared in his rearview mirror. After that, it took less than five minutes to arrive at the loft where he pulled the car into its customary space in the garage and shut off the engine. 

“So, this has been fun and all,” he turned to address his new alien friends, “but I think I’m going to just head to bed now. Thanks for not anally probing me and everything . . .” Brian started to edge away towards the stairs that led up to the building’s lobby. “I guess I’ll see you around. Maybe we can have a beer and catch up next time I’m on Tatooine at the Cantina with Obi Wan and Luke . . .” 

Unfortunately, it didn’t look like his visitors understood the fine art of the blow off. Or Star Wars references. The three friendly furries were all following him, step for step, apparently intent on joining him for the rest of the evening. Brian, whose head was starting to throb again, although not nearly as bad as before, didn’t feel up to the task of telling off his imaginary coterie. So, with only a small whimper, he offered up a facetious smile of welcome and held the door open for them. 

“Apo idapoeisthsv sdonfdisd#” Blue offered in gratitude as he gestured for the other two to precede them in and then once more picked up Brian and carried the stud into the building.

The rest of the evening was all sort of a blur in Brian’s memory. His new alien besties were curious little buggers. As soon as Brian got them all up to his loft, and forced Blue to put him down on his feet again, they commenced exploring the apartment. They touched - LITERALLY - everything in the damned loft. They also repeated pretty much everything Brian said as he tried to rein them in and stop them before they broke shit. Eventually, though, he just gave up. He was way too tired and this trip was way too freaky to bother with. He figured he just needed to sleep it off and hoped it would all be better in the morning. 

“Okay. I can’t take any more of this tonight,” Brian announced as Blue dumped all of the kitchen utensils out of a drawer onto the floor. “I’m going to head to bed. Please try not to break anything and, if you do decide to do alien experiments on me while I sleep, just make sure I’m completely under and the anesthetic doesn’t wear off, okay?” 

“Oooooky,” Blue responded amiably as it upended another kitchen drawer. 

“Oook key,” Yellow echoed from where it was seated at Brian’s computer in the corner.

“OOOOO Kai!” Red agreed from where it was examining the toy spaceship, which was set up in the middle of Brian’s Mies van der Rohe coffee table, still dripping water out onto the glass. 

“Fuck,” Brian moaned and shuffled off to bed dejectedly. He put in earplugs to try and block out the sound of the television blaring in the living room. He crawled under his covers and switched off the light. And he prayed that, come morning, he would have forgotten all of this.

*VSOPDIFU z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

Brian was awakened the next morning by something fuzzy tickling his nose. He tried not to let it bug him, but every time he batted the something that was tickling him away, it came back again. It was really annoying. Eventually he was forced to open his eyes in order to figure out what was causing this annoyance and get rid of it. 

Only, opening his eyes turned out to be a bad call. 

“Aaaaarghhhhh!” he screamed - again just like a little girl - when the first thing that met his eyes was a fuzzy ultramarine blue body that was wrapped clingingly around him, curled up like a shrimp, with several limbs draped over his chest. He tried to turn away from the unsettling blue furriness, but when he rolled over he encountered an almost identical yellow furriness on that side. “Aaaaaaaagggggghhhhhh!” he screamed again. 

“Po;asdih pasescvh sdn asodfh dhfn aoew8ty4b6q439CSdhf#” commented someone on the far side of the blue body while a fuzzy red hand reached over to cover Brian’s mouth and staunch his further cries.

“Good morning, Sunshine!” the blue furry next to him said, pronouncing the words in a wrongly emphatic, but still understandable way.  

“Fuck me!” Brian moaned behind the furry red hand that was trying to silence him and slumped back against the pillow. “Please tell me I’m still hallucinating . . .”

“You’re still hallucinating,” the yellow furry who was spooned up against his backside said. 

“I’m ready to wake up now. I’m ready to wake up now. I’m ready to wake up now . . .” Brian kept repeating, hoping that saying it would make it true. 

“I don’t wanna wake up. I want you spread out on the sheets . . .” Blue began to sing the lyrics to the Travis Scott ballad, while Red vocalized the back up singers’ part and Yellow performed a rather impressive beat box. 

“Stop! Enough!” Brian interrupted before Blue could start on the second verse. “What the fuck is happening here? Am I still hallucinating or what?”

“Or what,” Red answered definitively. 

“Oh, fuuuuuuckkkk . . .” Brian sobbed and pulled one of the pillows over his head so he would no longer be able to look at the reality that he wasn’t ready to face. 

“Brrrryon? Are we limp and hard to manage?” Blue asked, lifting up a corner of the pillow so he could peek underneath. 

“This can’t be real. YOU can’t be real,” Brian moaned, pulling the pillow down again so he could block out the unhelpful world. 

Unhelpfully, Yellow saw this as an invitation to break into yet another song, warbling the opening to Queen’s, ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’, “is this the real life, is this just fantasy . . .”

“You can stop with the musical references now, please,” Brian complained, still not looking out from behind his protective pillows. “I get it. I’m totally fucked. This is some next-level psychosis shit or something, right? Just send in the men with the straight jacket and take me away to a padded room already. I give up.”

“Brrrryon?” Blue again tried to lift the pillow off of Brian face. 

Brian didn’t resist this time, resigned to the fact that he was obviously clinically insane, so why fight it. “So, let me guess . . . You didn’t have time to finish your science experiments on me last night and you need more time to implant that microchip that will take control of my brain? Hmm?

“Control of my brain?” Yellow repeated then added something in alien to its friends. “Api i[0i8u ewafhipeyrv9 adfkjshisuh).”

Big Red, who was by then sitting up at the foot of the bed and surveying the goings on of the others, commented, “eh;o f dhfv u)” When Yellow nodded, Red added in English, “Ah! Zombies, yes?” Then in a voice that sounded like it was almost a recording of Woody Harrelson right off Brian’s DVD of Zombieland 2, he added, “Do you know why she's still alive? Because zombies eat brains, and she ain't got any!” Red finished with one of those scary grimaces that was supposed to be a smile but that made Brian’s stomach queasy. 

“You all speak English now, huh?” Brian pointed out, biting at his bottom lip as he tried to figure this all out. “Seems like you pick shit up pretty quickly.”

Blue grimaced at him and quoted Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

“No shit,” Brian answered. Then, taking a deep, cleansing breath - and realizing that it didn’t help because there were still three aliens in his bed - he sat up and tried to take stock of the situation. “So . . . This is all real?”

“This could be the real deal!” Yellow sang out, mimicking a Jessie J song that Brian had just downloaded onto his computer the week before. 

“I take it you’re the music fan in the bunch, Yellow?” Brian pointed out. 

“Daph.” Yellow corrected him, holding its hand to its forehead and nodding up at him from where the creature was still lying on his pillow. 

“Nice to meet you, Daph.” Brian turned to look at Big Red next, with the surmise that, “you, on the other hand, seem to have been enjoying my movie collection?”

“Dreebo.” Red introduced himself. 

“Dreebo it is.” Brian turned to his left and looked at the blue alien. “And, if I recall correctly, you are Justloq?”

Blue surprised the hell out of Brian by lifting his hand to the blue lips and leaving a warm kiss there before adding, “so pleased to meet you, my dear.” 

“Apparently you’ve been watching my Bogart collection . . .” Brian concluded while trying to pry his hand out of the blue paw. “Great. At least we’ll be able to communicate now . . . To a certain extent.” Looking around at his waiting audience, Brian still didn’t really believe his own eyes. “This can’t be happening. Somebody pinch me.”

Whereupon the yellow one - Daph - snaked its hand up from under the covers and pinched Brian’s butt cheek in a very overly familiar way. 

“Hey! No touching the merchandise, you capiche?” he warned.

“Capiche,” all three furry friends echoed.

Brian groaned at the ignominy of it all but decided to just carry on as best he could. “Okay, so I suppose the first question is, why are you here? Are you the advance scouting party scoping out the planet before the big alien invasion or something? If so, you’re welcome to take whatever you like. Humans have kinda already screwed up the planet pretty bad so I don’t think you could do any worse. In fact, if you want to take a hostage or something, we’d gladly offer up our most recent past President. He’s a total dickwad and we’d be glad to get rid of his ugly, fat, orange ass. If you’ve got a map handy, I’ll point out where you can find him down in Florida.”

“Florida,” Justloq repeated, adding, “Come see Orlando. Disney World; The Happiest Place on Earth!”

“Well, it used to be, before the Republicans and Nazis took over the state . . .” Brian responded with another shake of his head. “But that’s beside the point. If you came here to invade, I doubt that Disney World is your primary target.”

There was a short screechy confabulation amongst the three aliens and then Big Red Dreebo spoke up. “No invade.” He looked over at Daph and screeched “a pdsofijcpa c”. When the yellow one nodded, Dreebo clarified, “mining. Yes? Dig up rocks?”

“Mining? Here on Earth? Well, then I’m afraid we’re heading back into invasion territory because all the mining rights on the planet are pretty viciously guarded, so you’re going to have to kill off a few hundred thousand humans to get your hands on our rocks,” Brian attempted to explain. 

“No Earth rocks,” Daph emphasized. “Asteroids, yes? Space rocks.”

“Oh. Well, that’s okay then. I suppose you can take all the space rocks you want. We’re not using them right now,” Brain graciously offered. “So, what brought you down here to visit me? Wait. Don’t tell me. You need slaves for your mining operations, so you’re planning to abduct a few thousand humans to do your dirty work? Can I please opt out of that one? I just got a manicure and I’m allergic to hard labor.” Brian ended with a forced laugh, hoping that his joke wasn’t about to fall flat seeing as none of his audience were even smiling.

“Slaves?” Justloq questioned, looking to his friends for help.

“I am Kunta Kinte!” Daph responded. Both the others nodded.

“No slaves,” Dreebo assured him. 

“Then I give up,” Brian spread his arms wide in a ‘what gives’ gesture. “If it’s not an invasion, slave abduction, eating human brains, or science experiments involving probes up our asses, what brought you to our humble planet?”

“Asses?” Blue interrupted before turning to Daph and screeching something at the other creature. “Yes! Zagnut! Yes please. That one! Very much now asses please!” And before Brian knew what was happening Justloq was pulling at the blankets and sheets that were still mostly covering Brian’s lower half and muttering ‘zagnut’ several more times. 

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on there, tiger,” Brian spluttered, frantically scuttling backwards, over the top of the yellow one, pulling the sheets with him and, once he was safely in the corner with his rear end protected by the solid wall at his back, he quickly wrapped the sheet around him like a mummy. “Fuck me. Why did I have to go running my mouth about anal probing. I’m so totally fucked; probably without lube . . .”

Justloq looked over at Brian with what he assumed to be a confused expression. Blue screeched at Yellow again for a second or two and then understanding seemed to dawn. With an exclamation of “z’dsj;copl”, Blue ran out of the bedroom, returning a moment later with Brian’s iPad. The creature waved its hands over the surface, eliciting a tiny electrical spark, and then the device lit up. So much for that facial recognition and password protection stuff, huh? Then, with a few taps at the screen to locate whatever it was the kid wanted, Blue held the iPad up so that Brian could see what his alien visitor was trying to communicate. And, to Brian’s astonishment, it seemed the creature had found the file where Brian stored all his favorite gay porn.

“Zagnut! See!” Justloq pointed at the screen where a hot little, dark-haired twink was bent over a spanking bench with his bare asshole winking needily in the air. “Zagnut! Asses, no?” Blue asserted again with an expectant grimace. “Very much now zagnut asses please!” Then, just in case there was any confusion left, Justloq turned around, stuck his posterior out towards Brian, and pointed emphatically to the spot just at the bottom of its spine where a small protuberance waggled at him. “Justloq zagnut Brrryon very much please now!”

“Seriously? . . . You guys came all the way here to Earth from your asteroid mining thingy just to get laid?” Brian scoffed. “I mean, I know I have a bit of a reputation, but I didn’t think it extended beyond Earth’s orbit.” His alien friends were looking a bit confused again which made Brian laugh. “Fine. I suppose I can oblige you, this once. Although, I should probably play harder to get. I don’t want you thinking Earth boys are easy or something.”

*VSOPDIFU z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

 

 

Chapter !!!

“I’m assuming you want to go first, Blue?” Brian asked the eager little alien who was so excited by that point that its ears, along with its tail, were now waggling. 

“I suppose this gives ‘getting a piece of tail’ a whole new meaning,” Brian muttered to himself, tilting his head to the side a smidgen as he tried to figure out exactly how he was supposed to work this thing, seeing as he couldn’t actually see an asshole anywhere on the creature’s furry behind, although he figured it might be hidden beneath the thong-like utility belt Justloq was wearing. 

But, before Brian really had a chance to get started, they were interrupted by a very loud banging on the loft’s front door. 

“Who the fuck is knocking on my door this early in the morn . . .” Brian looked over at the clock on his nightstand and cursed. “Ten-thirty? It’s already ten-fucking-thirty? Why did you let me oversleep?” 

“Brrryon head tired rest,” Justloq explained, reaching up to touch the spot on his temple where Brian had knocked himself out the night before, reminding him that it did, in fact, still hurt like a bitch.

“Whatever.” He was already scrambling in his closet to find a suit - not thinking of anything other than the Liberty Air meeting he was supposed to have been at a half hour before - when the knocking at the door came again. “Somebody get that already! I need to get out of here, like, yesterday, and I can’t find my blue pinstripe tie . . .”

All three of Brian’s visitors followed directions, moving en masse towards the entrance where the sound of the knocking was still happening. 

“Get that already,” Justloq copied Brian’s words and pointed Daph towards the door. Daph refused, shaking her anterior protuberance in the negative. “Get that already?” Justloq repeated with a questioning look towards Dreebo. With a subvocal screech of annoyance at his useless crew, the Com’dant finally took the initiative and pulled open the door himself. 

“Well! Hello there! And what, praytell, is La Kinney up to this morning, hmm?” Emmett Honeycutt exclaimed when he found himself standing face to face with a great big, red, furry, hunk of manliness. “Brian, honey? I don’t mean to kink shame or anything, but I didn’t expect YOU of all people to be into the ‘furry lifestyle’, Sweetie . . . Brian? Brian, where are you?” The nosy southerner edged around the pack of multicolored furries, intent on figuring out where the leader of this pack might be hiding himself.

“Fuck me.” Brian realized the error of his ways the second he heard Emmett’s voice calling for him. “Please tell me I didn’t just send my resident aliens to go let Honeycutt into my house the morning after I was abducted and almost hit by a spaceship . . .”

“Oh, there you are, Bri,” Emmett noted as he stepped into the bedroom, all three aliens trailing closely behind. “So, let me guess, something came up last night while you were on your way to the baths?” 

“Baths?” Dreebo echoed, looking to Daph as the little yellow one crawled back into Brian’s bed and made itself comfortable. “$Penang setbv denotey //5)” 

“Calgon, take me away . . .” Daph responded, assuming a languorous, femme fatale posture with one arm draped across its forehead, adding what Brian assumed was an alien giggle.

“No baths,” Big Red corrected Emmett with a shake of its head. Then it pointed to Brian and elucidated, “almost drowning in H2O accumulation. Justloq save. Not bath.”

Brian groaned. He grabbed his red power tie - in lieu of the pinstriped one he still couldn’t find - along with his favorite charcoal gray Armani suit, and shouldered past Honeycutt on his way into the bathroom, adding under his breath, “Fuck me! I think I would’ve preferred the evil alien anal probing instead of this shit . . .”

“Alien probing?” Emmett questioned. “Sounds a little too kinky even for you, Brian.”

“Ignore me. I’m on drugs,” Brian yelled over the sound of the shower being turned on.

“I suppose that explains why you’re more than two hours late to work,” Honeycutt deduced. “Poor Teddy was practically frantic when I called him this morning. He mentioned something about a bigwig client you were supposed to meet with today . . . Anyway, since nobody’s been able to get a hold of you all morning, and I was in the neighborhood on the way to my Pilates class, I offered to stop by and see if everything was okay. I certainly did NOT expect to see you still romping with your furry pack this morning, though.”

“Fuck me . . .” Brian repeated, the groan barely audible from inside the shower enclosure. 

“Yes! Zagnut now please?” Justloq called out, undeterred. 

“Wow! I haven’t had a zagnut bar in ages, Honey. I don’t even know where you can buy one these days!” Emmett commented. “Personally, I’m more of a chocolate bonbons kind of gal.” 

“Would you shut the fuck up about bonbons, Honeycutt,” Brian snarled as he emerged from the bathroom, still dripping, nothing but a towel around his hips. “Can somebody find my phone for me? I have to call Cynthia and beg her to cover my ass until I can get to the office. Assuming, she hasn’t already quit . . .”

That’s when the big red furry spoke up, his voice an almost perfect imitation of Cynthia’s. “Brian? Brian, if you’re there, pick up now! Brian! Okay, I’m going to assume you were hit by a truck, because that’s the only explanation I will accept for why you weren’t here in time to meet with the Liberty Air people. And if you’re not dead, I’m going to kill you when you do finally make it into the office. Call me, you asshole!”

“Dammit to fucking hell!” Brian snarled, pulling a different suit out of the closet than the one he’d left behind in the bathroom in his frazzled rush to get ready. “That’s a fucking $10 million a year account!”

“It WAS a $10 million account,” Emmett interjected with a sympathetic grimace. “Teddy said the clients left about fifteen minutes ago. I don’t think they were very happy.”

Brian let the suit pants he’d barely pulled up over his ass fall back down to the ground in a heap and sank dejectedly onto the edge of the mattress. “Fuck my life! You should’ve just abducted me and taken me away to the slave mining planet. That probably would’ve been less traumatic.”

“Slave mining planet? What kind of drugs are you on this morning? And, will you share?” Emmett’s attempt to inject some humor into the situation fell flat, everyone mostly ignoring him. 

“No slaves! Zagnut pleasure dance very much please now!” Blue insisted, climbing onto the mattress next to Brian and maneuvering around on all fours until his tail was wagging hopefully in the gloomy human’s direction.

“UGHHhHH!” Brian screamed, both hands reaching up to tear out hunks of his hair. “Honeycutt, can you please just do . . . Something . . . With these three, while I try to figure out how to put my life back together?” he pleaded, shoving the little blue’s behind away and getting back to his feet. “I have to go grovel to Cynthia . . .”

“Don’t call me Honeycutt!” Emmett complained to Brian‘s back as the frustrated AdMan stalked across the loft, headed for his computer desk. Then Em turned to look at his three technicolor furry charges with confusion. “Do something with them? What? Do I look like a Fluffer?” Since Brian was no longer paying any attention, though, Em tilted his head to the side in order to examine the problem from a different perspective. ”Hhmmm. Okay . . . I guess Pilates is out and cat herding is in. Come along, you three. Let’s make you a little more . . . Presentable.”

Brian spent the next two hours on the phone, first with Cynthia and then with the clients, begging, pleading, cajoling, and negotiating, until he had sufficiently placated the Liberty Aair CEO. He was too distracted to pay much attention to whatever was going on up in the bedroom, even if he had been a tiny bit curious about the noises and muttering filtering out from behind the closed bedroom panels. He’d only looked up briefly from his computer when Emmett had ventured out the one time, heading to the kitchen and spending several minutes rifling through Brian‘s cupboards and drawers.

“Don’t mind me,” Em had whispered as he passed by Brian on his way back up to the bedroom, his arms laden with a stack of dish towels, a jar of honey, the bag full of Brian’s favorite whole oat cereal, a small dish filled with lemon slices, a box of baking soda Brian hadn’t even known he had in his kitchen, the big kitchen scissors, and three bottles of perrier. “Just needed some beauty supplies.”

“Whatever,” Brian muttered, his attention already back on the computer where he was trying to draft an email response to the still peeved Liberty Air CEO.

But, finally, when Brian had eventually persuaded the client to give Kinnetik another chance - after being forced to offer them a hefty discount to recompense them for all the trouble - Brian hung up the phone and took a deep breath of relief. What a fucking morning. Even the Kinney charm had almost not been enough to save the day this time. That discount bothered the fuck out of him, but he figured he’d find a way to sell the client on some other enhancement later in the campaign and make it up that way. The important thing was that he hadn’t lost his biggest client. 

Just then there was another round of knocking and movement going on behind the closed panels up in his bedroom, reminding him that he still needed to figure out what the fuck was going on in his personal life.

“Honeycutt? What the fuck are you doing up there?” he called out, reluctantly getting up and walking toward the bedroom area. “Please tell me they haven’t talked you into doing anything involving a ‘zagnut’ on my bed . . .”

“Oh, good! You’re finally done!” Emmett exclaimed, coming out to stand at the top of the steps, blocking Brian’s view of whatever was going on behind him. “You’re just in time for the big reveal!”

“Big reveal? That sounds ominous . . .” 

“Hush, you! No raining on my makeover parade!” Em ordered, waving both hands at Brian in order to make him take a few steps back. 

“Makeover?” Brian was confused. “What the fuck are you talking about, Honeycutt.”

“Don’t call me ‘Honeycutt’!” an exasperated Emmett grumbled. “And don’t complain. You’re the one who ordered me to ‘do something’ with them. I mean, you might be into the fur scene, but that’s just not my thing. I didn’t think you’d want them all going out in public looking like THAT either. Not for lunch at least. So, I used my fairy magic and . . . Voila! I give you the new, improved Kinney Coterie!”

Brian whimpered, but didn’t have time to say anything more before his friend was already murmuring to someone just out of Brian’s line of sight and making summoning motions. 

“Now, first, for the big red one - who, I think, is my favorite, by the way - I decided to go with the Big Butch Muscle Queen look. Because, I mean, just everything about this boy is large. Trust me. EVERYTHING . . .” Emmett began his explanation and then, with a huge grin on his face, he stepped aside so that Brian could see the figure standing behind him. “I give you, Dreebo the Super Dreamy!”

To Brian’s utter surprise, the being that emerged from the bedroom and walked down the stairs was a total hottie! The male figure he saw looked almost like a regular human male - and boy was he male alright! - tall, well-muscled, dressed only in a pair of Brian’s boxers, which he filled out more than adequately, and definitely not at all furry. Well, except for the patch of bright red hair on the top of the guy’s head. The rest of him was just all skin and muscle and hubba hubba. Brian approved. 

“Wow! I’m . . . Wow!” Brian, the adman, was left speechless. “How the hell did you do that? Where’s all the fur and the . . .” 

Emmett scoffed and leaned around the closest glass panel to pick something up off the floor. Holding out what looked like a pile of red fur, he said, “you mean the costumes?” 

“Uniform,” Dreebo corrected Emmett, reaching for the furry garment.

“I don’t think we need those for lunch, Dreebie, Honey. Let’s save those for the next Furmeet, huh?” Em quickly tossed the pile of red fur aside before the alien could get hold of it. 

“But . . .” Brian sputtered, a little annoyed at the deception. “Fine. Whatever. But their skin. Their faces. Those were the same color too. How’d you get their faces to look so . . . Human?”

“You mean the makeup? Yeah, that was a bitch to get off,” Emmett admitted. “I have no idea what kind of pigments were in that stuff, but I suggest you go with something water soluble next time, Bri. I had to use almost all of your special anti-aging lotion to get that stuff off them. It was the only thing that worked.”

“Make up?” Brian just seemed lost by that point. 

“Are you still high or something, Brian? Of course it was makeup. You didn’t think they were really red or blue or yellow, did you?” Em chided. “What the fuck kind of trip were you on last night, anyway?”

“A really, really, REALLY, bad one, it seems,” Brian confirmed, shaking his head as if to clear away the fog of disbelief. 

“Well, anyhoo . . .” Em ignored Brian, intent on continuing with his own agenda. “Next up, we have your little yellow ‘friend’.” The way Honeycutt said the word ‘friend’ worried Brian a bit, but there was no way he would have guessed what was about to come next, so it was probably a good thing he didn’t have the time to wonder about it. “Ta da!”

This time, the creature that stepped forward turned out to be a petite, young woman with long, curly, neon yellow hair, dressed in one of Brian’s t-shirts and a pair of shorts. 

“OMG! You’re like, totally, Black!” Daph mimicked Emmett, holding both hands up to her face in a perfect imitation of the big queen’s mannerisms. 

“And a girl, it seems . . .” Emmett added, giving Brian a squicked side eye. 

“And a girl,” Daph agreed with a grin and a bow before stepping down to join Com’dant Dreebo standing next to Brian. 

“Finally, the piece de resistance! (I’m really proud of this one, too),” Em added in an aside to Brian, with an elbow to Brian’s side for emphasis. “With the little blue one, I decided to go with the classic twink look because, well, he’s just so adorable I couldn’t resist. Come on out here, Justie!”

With that prompt, the last of Brian’s alien guests shuffled out from where he’d been hiding behind the still-closed panels and took his place at the top of the stairs. Brian felt his chin drop as he stared at this wonder. In place of the fuzzy blue creature from earlier, he now found himself admiring a hot, taut, little twinkie. This male was significantly shorter than Big Red and more slimly built. Without the blue face paint, it turned out that Justloq had pale ivory skin; pale enough so that you could see the blush rising against that skin as he stood there waiting while everyone stared. He still had a shock of bright blue hair on his head, but it looked like Em had given the boy a quick trim so it was at least a neat little shock of blue. The fact that he was dressed only in another pair of Brian’s shorts, meant that they all got a good look at the youth’s trim body and rather respectable package. 

“Uh, Brian? Darling, you’re drooling,” Em commented snarkily. Then he leaned in so he could whisper in Brian’s ear, “I thought you’d approve of that one. He’s a total hottie, right?”

“We are human now!” Justloq announced, finally looking up and meeting Brian’s eyes with another fucking adorable blush. 

“Wow! You’re a fucking miracle worker, Honeycutt!” Brian exclaimed, offering unheard of praise. 

“We are good?” Justloq asked as he stepped down so he could join his compatriots.

“Real good,” Brian replied. 

“Okay, okay! Group picture now,” Emmett directed, pulling Brian over so that the brunet was standing in the middle of the group of madeover aliens and then taking out his phone so he could snap a quick pic. “Smile and say, ‘Velveeta Slices’!”

“Velvet sleeves.”

“Welvetted sklevices.”

“Velva slcices.”

“Fuck you, Emmy Lou,” Brian added just as the flash went off and momentarily blinded all four of the crew.

“Sorry, Bri, but I’ve already got plans for that,” Em declared, and immediately looped his arm through that of the hunky Dreebo before steering the big guy back up the steps. “But first, I’m starving, so how about we get these three dressed, hit the Diner, and get some lunch. Then, maybe, we can head over to Woody’s for the Friday afternoon tea dance. What do you say, Big Red? You up for some afternoon delight with delightful little moi?”

“We can’t take them out,” Brian tried to intervene but the crafty queen was already rampaging through Brian’s closet while chatting aimiably with his muscle-butch creation. Turning to the other two remade aliens he asked, “don’t you have to stay here and fix your mini-skidoo or something?”

Daph looked over to where the miniaturized spaceship was still waiting, propped up on a bath towel in the middle of Brian’s coffee table, and then broke into song again. “Drippin' down my neck. Soakin' wet. Sink or swim or you drown. Yeah. Yeah. Let’s get a little wet . . .” the alien perfectly mimicked Nicole Scherzinger’s ‘Wet’.

“Great! Just what I needed, a useless, drippy, centerpiece for my table,” he complained. “So how much longer until it’s dry enough for you guys to get the hell out of here?”

“Now open, 24/7, for your convenience,” Justloq answered, sounding like he was repeating a television ad. 

“Twenty-four hours?” Brian translated with a scowl directed towards the wet artifact. “Well, fuck . . . I guess that’s not too long.” Then he scanned the two de-furred aliens who were both waiting for his judgment. “You know what? Fuck it! Even if I wanted to I can’t get anything more done today - not as long as Cynthia’s still not speaking to me - and I already had the whole day blocked off to work on the fucking Liberty Air account - which obviously isn’t happening now - so why the hell not spend the day showing a bunch of aliens around town? I mean, I’m assuming you're just going to wipe my memory of all of this when you leave, so it’s really not worth trying to get any work done anyway. Right?”

“Memories. Light the corners of my mind. Misty watercolor memories. Of the way we were . . .” Daph sang out in her best Barbra imitation, until Brian put his hand over her mouth to stop her. 

“No more merry melodies, though, huh? I don’t think the alien invasion needs a musical soundtrack. Okay?” Brian pleaded.

“Sn;lvadkbzb divvweIUH PD Co9382Sfdp WIUY zagnut,” Daph screeched to Justloq. Which, translated, was something along the lines of, “This guy’s a bit of a tight zagnut.”

To which Justloq responded, “Apyspd9 ywohzgf8yv 5 zagnut a 0iu;a0evt 8y@” “Please don’t mention zagnuts, Daph, at least not until I get this human to pleasure mine, or I might just burst.”

“Hurry up and come get dressed, guys!” Emmett summoned them before they could get further involved in any discussion of what Justloq wanted done to his zagnut. “I can’t wait to show my dreamy Dreebo off to the gang at the Diner. They’re just gonna die when I introduce him as my date!”

“Whoa there, Honeycutt. Reality Check. He’s not your date. He’s . . . He’s not even from around here,” Brian tried to curb his friend’s enthusiasm.

“So? Just because they’re foreigners, doesn’t mean they can’t be dates.” With a flirty little head tilt in Dreebo’s direction he asked, “do you have Cosmos where you come from?”

“Cosmos?” Dreebo repeated, looking towards his crew for a translation. 

“Ap;oi d0p98y vat 9 yd9fyzv9f 9q3v4,” Daph answered him in screechy alien. 

“Ah, yes. The group of planetary systems you call the universe, seen as a well-ordered, harmonic, whole. Yes, we see many ‘cosmos’,” Dreebo replied with a grimace-smile aimed Emmett’s way. 

“Interesting language. Never heard anything quite like that. Where are you three from, anyway?” he questioned.

Brian jumped in, thinking fast to try and cover for his alien guests. “They’re from . . . uh . . . Finland. I think.”

“Wow! Finland. I hear it gets cold there. I bet you have some stories to tell about how to keep warm on those long winter nights, don’t you . . .”

Before Brian could intervene further, Emmett had rounded up all of the newcomers and started in on the process of getting them all dressed and out of the loft. With a sigh, Brian decided it wasn’t worth fighting the inevitable. If you can’t beat 'em, join ‘em, right?

*VSOPDIFU z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

 

 

Chapter !!!^

In spite of all Honeycutt’s prodding to ‘hurry up’, the alien squad didn’t make it to the Liberty Diner until after 1:30.

First, there was the problem of getting all the visitors property attired. Brian’s wardrobe simply wasn’t up to the task of dressing aliens. Everything he had was far too tight on the hulking Dreebo and ridiculously loose on the more diminutive Justloq or Daph. Com’dant Dreebo kept trying to convince Em that they should just put their ‘uniforms’ back on, but neither Brian nor Emmett wanted that. Brian suggested that they just dress them in sweats and be done with it, but Emmett refused to be seen in public with them looking like that. So, in the end, it was decided that they’d have to make a stop at Torso for a complete wardrobe redo before anything else. 

Brian, who was still half convinced this entire thing was either a bad trip or a nightmare, didn’t have the energy to argue with his pushy friend and just followed along, obediently handing over his credit card to pay for the aliens’ sartorial upgrade.

By the time they actually made it to the Diner it felt almost anti-climactic. Except for their oddly colored hair, the nattily-dressed aliens looked pretty ordinary. Even the hair wasn’t so far out of the ordinary in a place like Liberty Avenue to be honest. Plus, it was rather amusing to watch Emmett throwing himself at the big alien leader, pawing at the guy constantly, despite the fact that Brian was pretty sure he was straight. Or, at least what passed for straight in the alien world. 

With Emmett busy trying to charm Big Red, Brian was relegated to squiring little Yellow and Blue around. The two smaller aliens both seemed quite enamored with their escort. In fact, Brian was having a tough time keeping them occupied long enough that they’d stop groping him inappropriately every chance they could. Justloq, especially, seemed intent on copping a feel every few feet, at least until Brian grabbed hold of the little one’s closest hand. That DID get a few odd looks from the passers by; nobody had ever seen Brian Kinney holding hands with a twink while walking down the street. Especially not with a young woman hanging onto his other arm and looking up at him adoringly. Can you say, ‘Out of Character’? Brian pretended he didn’t care and just ignored the looks and whispers that followed them down the street and into the Diner.

As they came through the entrance, the bell over the door rang out and all three of Brian’s guests immediately began to copy the noise, ringing like bells, over and over until the small Diner was filled with noise. At the same time, the aliens’ curiosity overcame them and they rushed off to touch and examine every single thing they could reach in the brightly colorful eatery. Daph began by picking up the salt and pepper shakers off the nearest table and shaking out the contents over the heads of the table’s occupants. Justloq grabbed a ketchup bottle and had squeezed out a large dollop onto the floor before Brian could take it away from him. After that he moved on to collecting all the silverware off the empty tables and, when he had accumulated a good quantity, the blue demon commenced artistically sticking the forks and knives into the wig of the nearest drag queen. Dreebo, meanwhile, had wandered over behind the counter and was poking at the food waiting under the heat lamp on the kitchen pass through. The only saving grace was that they’d come late enough that the lunch rush was long past and most of the customers still in the Diner were too amazed by the chaos they were watching to complain much. 

It took both Brian and Emmett several minutes to corral their charges into the back booth. 

“Sorry. Sorry,” Emmett was still repeating as he pulled Daph away from another booth where she had seated herself in one customer’s lap in order to reach the napkin dispenser, pulling out napkin after napkin and stuffing them all in her mouth. “Sorry. They’re not from around here. They’re from Finland . . .” Em explained, as if that explained anything.

“Sit down and don’t TOUCH anything!” Brian yelled, finally losing his temper when Justloq had tried to squirm out under the table in order to escape from where Brian had placed him in the corner of the booth. 

“What the FUCK is going on out here?” Debbie Novotny demanded, coming out of the back just about the same time as the boys had finally got their guests under control. 

“Sorry, Deb. Uh . . . Brian has some out of town guests and apparently they don’t have diners where they come from.” Emmett waved gamely from his side of the booth. 

“Since when does Brian do guests? Foreign or domestic?” Deb asked, cracking her gum as she surveyed the technicolor-haired contingent who were still curiously picking up and examining everything on the table. 

“Since last night,” Em answered for Brian, who was still busy trying to get Justloq to stop putting all the little creamer cups in his mouth at the same time, “when he apparently picked up these three, somewhere between Babylon and the Baths, and woke up with them still in his bed this morning. They don’t seem to speak much English, but from what I understand, they think they’re staying with Brian until their ‘Fet Wit Lock’ is ready. Whatever that is.” Emmett wrapped his arm around Dreebo’s shoulders in an intimate gesture. “I, of course, in a show of hospitality, offered to help Brian entertain them.”

“Entertain them, huh?” Deb chuckled with a knowing wink. “Is that what they’re calling it these days?” Emmett just grinned and fluttered his eyelashes at Dreebo again. 

“Enough, Justloq!” Brian ordered, slapping the back of the blue-haired alien’s head so that he was forced to spit out all his creamer cups. “If you don’t behave, there won’t be any zagnut for you, young man!”

“No zagnut? No, Brrrrryon. Zagnut Justloq very much now please! Please! Double the pleasure, double the fun!” 

“Not if you don’t sit still and stop making me crazy!” Brian warned. 

Justloq made a face that probably equated to an alien pout but at least he stopped touching everything on the table within reach. 

“We don’t have zagnuts on the menu,” Deb cut in, “but the Pink Plate Special today is a ten inch polish sausage with cream corn nuts and gravy. We call it the ‘Dick of Death’. Will that do for you?”

“Dick?” Justloq repeated. 

“aw0pe808 aevu,” Daph explained.

“Oh! Yes. Justloq wants very much now a ten inch pleasure appendage. And Brrryon to zagnut. Thank you very mostly.”

“And here I thought I was the one who always had dick on the brain,” Brian commented under his breath. “Give it a rest already, Justloq. At least until we finish lunch.”

Deb was laughing so hard by that point that she almost couldn’t finish taking their orders. Brian rolled his eyes at the woman and took the initiative, ordering three Pink Plate Specials for the foreigners and a turkey sandwich on wheat, hold the mayo, for himself. Em ordered a salad since he’d missed his Pilates class. Deb was still shaking her head at the odd newcomers as she shuffled off to put their order in. At which point, Brian gave up trying to control the situation and let the three aliens start in again on their paper napkin appetizers. 

 

“So, Dreebo, tell me all about Finland. Are the guys there all as hot as you?” Emmett, ignoring the paper eating, tried again to engage the red-headed hunk.

Brian just sat back, chuckling quietly at the antics, and sipping at the iced tea that Deb had dropped off on the way to take another table’s order. 

He didn’t have long to relax, though, because just then the bell over the door rang out again and all three aliens began their own ringing in response. Brian was still trying to shush them when the person who’d caused the ringing appeared next to their table; Michael was staring at them all as if he’d never seen three technicolor-haired ringing aliens having napkin appetizers before lunch with his best friend and roommate. It was all so absurd and improbable that Brian laughed so hard he snorted iced tea out his nose. If this was just a bad trip, it was at least an amusing one. Maybe, if he still remembered all of this when he woke up, he’d write a book about it? Like that guy, Kafka, who wrote about the time he’d done too much heroin and thought he’d turned into a human cockroach. Yeah, there might actually be some money in that, Brian thought. 

“Brian? Is that you? What the hell is going on . . .” Michael finally found his words. 

“Hey there, roomie!” Emmett exclaimed. “Come meet the gang from Finland. This is Dreebo,” Em emphasized his introduction by trailing his hand possessively over the hunky alien’s chest. “And the twink with the blue hair groping Brian is Justloq. Oh, and this is their fag hag, Daph; don’t you just love the saffron yellow hair? Guys, say hello to Michael.”

“Hell O to Mic El!”

“Helloto Mike Al!”

“Helm Ike El!”

“Uh . . . Hey . . . I guess,” Michael responded, still clearly unsure about these newcomers. “Where did you find them?”

“In bed with Brian when I went over there to roust him for Teddy this morning,” Em announced.

 

“All of them?” Michael asked, looking at the very feminine Daph with some confusion. 

“Yep. ALL of them.” Em giggled. “I take it, judging by the mammoth hangover Brian had this morning, that he had a pretty wild time after he left Babylon last night.”

“You don’t know the half of it, Honeycutt,” Brian confirmed, still sipping his iced tea with amusement. 

“What are they doing in Pittsburgh,” Michael questioned, looking askance at Justloq, who’d managed to get hold of the ketchup and mustard bottles again and was squirting them across the table into Dreebo’s open mouth.

“I think they were here for a Con or something,” Em answered, pulling a wad of napkins out of Dreebo’s hand before the alien could ingest them, and using them to wipe away a splatter of mustard that had misfired and landed on his wrist. 

“But, ComiCon isn’t until next month.”

“Uh, yeah, not THAT kind of Con,” Em corrected his friend without meeting Michael’s eye. “Anyhoo. You’re welcome to join us, Sweetie, if you can squish in somewhere.”

“Yeah, I think I’ll just sit over here at the counter,” Michael said, backing slowly away from the puddle of iced tea that had leaked out of the dam of sugar packet sand bags Daph had created to hold back the liquid she was siphoning out of Brian’s drink using his purloined straw.

“Probably a good call,” Brian agreed as he intercepted Justloq’s next mouthful of napkins in order to sop up the tea that was about to drip into his lap. 

“Hey, Honey,” Deb greeted her offspring as soon as she returned from dropping off an order at table #3. “How are you holding up, Baby?”

“I’ve been better,” Michael mumbled dejectedly. 

Brian kicked Emmett under the table to get his attention and then tilted his head in Michael’s direction with a questioning look. 

Em shrugged and quietly explained, “he was on the phone with Dr. Dave when I left this morning. I think they were talking about the arrangements to ship all Michael’s stuff back here to Pittsburgh.”

“Ah! That would explain it,” Brian surmised with a sour shake of his head.

“Helm Ike El not shiny happy people?” Justloq asked Brian, pointing to where the man was slumped on his stool. 

“I’m afraid not,” Brian confirmed. “I did try to warn him. But he just kept babbling on about how wonderful David was and accusing me of being jealous because he’d finally found ‘Mr. Right’.”

“Mr. Right?” Justloq asked for clarification. 

“Yeah, Mr. Right; you know, the guy you dream of meeting ever since you were a little boy. The one you’d go anyplace with, or do anything for, just so you could be ‘together’. And he feels the same way about you because you’re so ‘right’ for each other,” Brian elucidated, speaking with an air of mocking disdain. “But, in reality, you’re just kidding yourself because you’re a pathetic loser who can’t get beyond the heteronormative indoctrination you were fed as a kid.”

“No Mr. Right for Helm Ike El?”

“There’s no such thing, kid,” Brian concluded. “It’s all a delusion. There’s only Mr. Right Now.”

“Hush, you! Don’t be filling the kid’s head with your pessimism, Brian,” Emmett rushed to correct Brian’s disinformation. “Don’t you listen to him, Justloq. There’s a Mr. Right out there somewhere for everyone. Even for the likes of the Big Bad Brian Kinney. Provided he lets himself be found.”

“Fuck off, Honeycutt,” Brian retorted with all the eloquence of a middle schooler while tossing the tea infused napkin wad at his friend’s face. 

Luckily for Em, Dreebo expertly deflected the wad of sopping paper with his knife, sending the dripping mess flying clear across the room, directly at the back of Michael’s head. Brian bit back his laughter before an angry Michael could turn around. And, fortuitously for all, Deb arrived just then with a tray full of Pink Plate Specials for the hungry aliens, blocking Michael’s view of the table. By the time Deb had offloaded her tray, the angriest little Novotny had already left so he could go home and change his now drenched shirt. 

*VSOPDIFU z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

“Oh goody! We’re not too late,” Emmett exclaimed as he hustled his merry band of revelers towards a table in the back of Woody’s. “Today’s the Blond of the Month Contest and I just love ogling all those gorgeous hotties.”

“Blond of the Month?” Dreebo parroted.

“Yep. Every month there’s this contest where the crowd picks the hottest blond on Liberty Avenue and he gets to have his picture put up there, over the bar.” Em pointed to the neon-framed photo over the top of the bar picturing the previous month’s blond bimbo selection. “The winner gets free drinks for the whole month and can pretty much have whoever he wants, so it’s pretty well attended most months. I particularly liked Mr. February; damn that boy was dreamy.”

“Well, you alway did like ‘em big and stupid, Honeycutt,” Brian commented dismissively. 

“That’s not true. I just don’t discriminate against the more intellectually challenged members of our community,” Emmett countered. “Although, I do like my men large and in charge, if you know what I mean. Right, Dreebo, Baby?” To make his point he very obviously squeezed the red-haired alien’s bulging biceps. “As long as the rest of a guy is well-sized, the size of the organ in his head is the last thing I’m concerned with.”

Just then the speakers situated above their table blared out the announcement that the contest was about to begin. “Okay, boys and boys! Who wants to play our game this afternoon? If you're blond and beautiful and ready to have some big-assed fun, then you’re invited to come up here on the stage and join our little competition. Remember, here at Woody’s, blonds really DO have more fun!”

“I do blond!” Daph squealed and jumped up from her seat. 

“Oh, hang on there, Honey,” Em grabbed her arm as she tried to run past. “Aside from the fact that you’re pretty obviously not a natural blond, dear, I’m afraid you don’t have the right equipment to win this competition.”

“What equipment? I can get . . .” Daph asserted. 

“Sorry, Sweetie. But, unless you have a dick hidden somewhere down there that I haven’t seen yet, I’m afraid you won’t make it past the underwear competition,” Em commiserated. 

“Dick of Death from sausage eatery?” Justloq suggested, unhelpfully.

Brian laughed, thinking to himself of Daph trying to strut around the stage with a ten inch polish sausage in her panties. “It has to be permanently attached, I’m afraid,” he explained to his little blue companion. 

“I do dick!” Daph declared, to the confusion of her human listeners. 

Then, without any warning, the alien stuck one forefinger into her left ear and plugged her nose with the fingers of her other hand, puffing up her cheeks as if she was trying to unplug her ears or something. After half a minute or so of this the humans sitting around the table were shocked to observe that the petite female’s form began to morph and change. Not only did her face start to appear more masculine, but the alien’s entire body began to get bigger and take on a more male appearance. By the time Daph was done with her little magic trick, she’d grown to more than six feet tall and all her female characteristics were completely gone. Looking down at the crotch of the slacks that were all of a sudden stretched tightly across her/his/its groin, it looked like Daph did indeed ‘do’ dick now too. If he didn’t know better, Brian would have thought he was looking at a really hot looking Black man with bleached blond hair and a rather impressive package. 

“What . . . How . . . Did I just see what I thought I saw?” Emmett sputtered.

“Don’t ask me. I’m on drugs, remember?” was Brian’s only comment. 

“But, I’m not . . . Am I?” Em seemed uncertain of that fact after watching Daph turn herself into a boy.

“Daph is ;i;p8arhwf,” Justloq explained with a shrug. But, when neither of the humans seemed to understand his screech, he translated. “She is from different place. They are form changers there.” When he noticed his audience still looked confused he added. “Like movie. Hulk. ‘Puny human’. No?” Dreebo added a short screech and Justloq nodded. “Yes. Shape-shifters. That is right word, yes?”

“Uh . . . I . . . I guess,” Emmett seemed to be too confounded to comment further as they all turned to watch Daph skipping up the aisle to the stage with the rest of the Blond of The Month hopefuls. 

Meanwhile, Brian was leaning back in his chair and laughing so hard he was at risk of tipping over. Because, of course his really bad trip would include shape-shifting alien karaoke. Or, maybe, this truly was a nightmare after all. He really couldn’t think of any other explanation. 

As soon as the six or seven hopeful blonds - and Daph - were assembled on the little stage next to the opulent drag queen MC, the announcer began the festivities by giving all the contestants mics so they could jointly warble along to the karaoke version of ‘Cuz I’m A Blond’ by the inestimable Julie Brown. 

Yep. It had to be a nightmare because this was definitely one of the campiest songs Brian had ever been subjected to. 

Nevertheless, the contestants did their best to belt out the words. Daph, too, although she didn’t know the words or the melody, was congenitally incapable of following the beat, and wasn’t really able to read along on the screen as fast as the others, so she was not only half a verse behind, but also she really, REALLY couldn’t sing . . . 

Nightmare! One hundred percent nightmare. Not even Brian’s worst trip could possibly be this bad.

🎶Because I'm a blond, I don't have to think,

I talk like a baby and I never pay for drinks.

Don't have to worry about getting a man,

if I keep this blond and I keep this tan.

Cuz I'm a blond!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Cuz I'm a blond!

Yeah yeah yeah!

I see people working and it just makes me giggle,

Cuz I don't have to work, I just have to wiggle.

Cuz I'm a blond B-L-O-N-D.

Cuz I'm a blond - don't you wish you were me?

I never learned to read and I never learned to cook.

Why should I bother when I look like I look?

I know lots of people are smarter than me,

but I have this philosophy, "So what?"

Cuz I'm a blond, yeah yeah yeah!

I see boys without dates, and I feel so sorry for ‘em

cuz whenever I'm around, all the men ignore 'em!

Cuz I'm a blond.

Nyah nyah nyah!

Cuz I'm a blond.

Nyah nyah nyah!

They say to make it, you need talent and ambition,

well, I got a tv show, and this was my audition;

Umm . . . okay . . . what was it? . . . ummm don't tell me . . . Oh, yeah, okay "Duck, Magnum, duck!"

Cuz I'm a blond!

Yeah yeah yeah!

Cuz I'm a blond!

Yeah yeah yeah!

I took an IQ test and I flunked it of course.

I can't spell VW, but I got a Porsche.

Cuz I'm a blond. B-L-O-N-E

Cuz I'm a blond. Don't you wish you were me?

(spoken)

I just want to say that being chosen as this month's Mr. April is, like, a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can.

Right now I'm a freshman in my fourth year at Pitt but my goal is to become a veterinarian, cuz I love children.

Cuz I'm a blond, 

yeah yeah yeah!

Cuz we’re all blonds,

yeah yeah yeah!

Boys think I'm snotty, and maybe it's true,

With my hair and body, you would be too!

Cuz I'm a blond, B-L-O . . . I don't know!

Cuz I'm a blond,

yeah yeah yeah!

Cuz I'm a blond, 

yeah yeah yeah!🎶

“CUZA M BA LOND, EAH, EAH, EAH! M BA LOND EAH, EAH  EAH . . .” Daph continued caterwauling along long after the others had finished. And the music had stopped. And the MC had waved to the stage hand to turn off her mic . . .

“Well, now . . . Wasn’t that special?” The MC grimaced to the stunned audience. “How about a nice round of applause for these guys.” There was a smattering of clapping but mostly the patrons were either laughing or just silently staring at the way Daph was bowing and strutting around on the stage like she’d just killed it. “Okay, moving on now . . . How about we get to know this month’s contestants a little better?’

One by one the announcer called the contestants forward where she asked them a few questions about themselves, always throwing in a joke wherever she could, and then invited them to perform their best strip tease down to their briefs. This was always the audience's favorite part. The cat calls, cheering, and whistles were almost deafening. But then again, who didn’t like a strip show, right? Plus, it was always fun to see if the package that was revealed matched the stats that each guy gave before they stripped. Brian was in a position to know with quite a bit of certainty that several of this month's blonds were exaggerating in that department, but you’d never know it from the way they’d stuffed their jockey shorts. 

The MC had left Daph for last, but she didn’t seem to mind, squealing with glee and trotting up to stand next to the announcer the second he waved at her. “And, last but not least, our very own bleached black beauty! Let’s hear it for Frank Ocean!” Everyone laughed, except for Daph, who looked around as if trying to find the person who’d been introduced in her stead. “That’s you, Honey. It’s a joke,” the MC explained in an exaggerated stage whisper. “Now, why don’t you tell your fans a little bit about yourself.”

The excited alien immediately grabbed the mic and held it up, far too close to her mouth, so that all of the words came out garbled and almost incomprehensible. “I are Daph. Human. From Finland! I do dick!”

“Don’t we all, honey, don’t we all!” The announcer laughed along with all of the guys in the audience. “And what in the world brought you all the way to little old Pittsburgh from far away Finland?”

“Mining,” Daph declared. “But not with human slaves or microchip zombie brains or anal probing. Just asteroid rocks.” Queen Sheba, slightly stunned by that response, was about to take back the mic and ask her next question but Daph remembered something and pulled it back. “Also, we don’t want your fat orange president. No, very much icky, thank you.” The grimace of distaste she made, as if she was about to lose her lunch, got almost as many laughs as her words.

“Yeah, well, we don’t really want him either,” the MC agreed. “In fact, we’d probably pay Finland to take him off our hands for us.”

Daph shook her head violently and the crowd roared even louder with laughter. 

“Okay, well, we’re certainly glad you came to visit. Tell me one more thing, though, what’s your favorite thing you’ve seen here in our fair city?”

Daph didn’t even have to think, she immediately answered, “Hot, Wet, and Wild Twinks, Number 18.” That earned her an even bigger cheer, if that was possible. And she added with an earnest nod, “very much please pleasure appendages in zagnut. Now. Please. Yes?”

But Queen Sheba was laughing too hard by that point to bother answering and just waved to the stage guy to turn on the strip tease music. Daph, after watching all the others, clearly knew what was supposed to happen next. So, with all the bump and grind she could muster, she began to strip off her clothing. What she lacked in finesse, she certainly made up for in the big reveal. And what a reveal it was, too. That shape-shifting she’d done had been really effective. The bulge in her thong was excessively bulgey. 

Enough so that the MC came over and had to ask, “is that thing real, Babydoll?”

Whereupon Daph pulled out the waistband of the underwear she was sporting so that Sheba could have a peek inside. “I get equipment. Attached and everything! Ten inch dick of death, right?’

“Oh, yeah! That’s what I call real! REAL BIG, that is. Whoa, boyfriend. You better be careful with that or you’re gonna poke someone’s eye out!” 

The rest of the competition, including the dance off and the subsequent voting by the audience, was unnecessary after that. The crowd easily forgave Daph’s poor karaoke performance. All they cared about was the way she swung that prodigious package around. They seemed practically mesmerized by the thing. When it came time to vote, the winner was clear. Daph was Woody’s Blond of the Month without question. And as soon as she was crowned and photographed, she was practically mobbed by the waiting patrons who were all more than eager to get to know the Finnish Blond better. Much, much better. 

“Should we stop her or . . .” Brian asked, looking slightly worried. “She’s not going to revert to type or anything, right? Cuz, I think we’d have a mob on our hands if she turned back into Cinderella in the middle of the ball.”

“Why Daph get ball and not Justloq?” Brian’s blue companion asked, sounding put out. “You said zagnut and pleasure appendage very much long time! We go pleasure dancing room now please, Brrrryon!”

Brian looked over to the makeshift dance floor in front of the stage where a throng of horny men were orgy dancing around Daph. Then he looked across the table to where Em was practically salivating as Dreebo snaked his extra-long alien tongue out to snatch the cherry from the bottom of the tall Collins glass he’d been sipping his cosmo out of. It seemed like the queers on Liberty Avenue were just fine with the crazy he’d unleashed on them. And, since nobody was complaining about the aliens in their midst, Brian didn’t see any reason to rock the boat. Nightmare or bad trip or whatever, everyone looked like they were having a good time, so why shouldn’t he be enjoying himself too?

“By all means, Blue,” he responded agreeably, holding out his hand to let Justloq pull him to his feet. “Let’s get the zagnut pleasure appendage dancing started.”

 *VSOPDIFU z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

 

Chapter ^V

Unfortunately, before Brian could drag his Blue Beauty off to the bathroom for some pleasure appendage fun, they were waylaid by the arrival of Michael and Ted. 

“Brian! Hey! I didn’t expect you to be here this early on a Friday afternoon,” Michael greeted his friend, adding in a big, wet smooch on the lips which lasted a little bit longer than was necessary for a simple, friendly welcome. 

“Yeah, well, Ted’s not working either and you’re not giving him a hard time,” Brian pointed out as soon as he’d extricated himself from Michael’s grasp. 

“Actually, Cynthia sent me out looking for you,” Ted explained with a laconic shrug. “She’s still pretty pissed off at you for this morning and ordered me to find you so she can disembowel you with a rusty letter opener . . . I figured it was probably best to get out of the direct line of fire and give her the weekend to cool off.”

“You both remember that I am still the boss, right?” Brian grumbled. “Besides, I saved the account, after about two hours of groveling, so what the fuck is Cynthia still pissed about?”

“Something about you messing up her scheduling for all of next week, I think,” Ted explained with a ‘don’t shoot the messenger’ smile. 

“Well I, for one, am glad you’re taking the afternoon off, Brian.” Michael stepped forward, insinuating his body between Brian and Justloq, and attempting to lead Brian back towards the table they’d just left. “We haven’t had any time to just hang out since I got back from Portland. Come on and sit down and you can tell me all about what you got up to last night at the baths.”

“No baths. Just drowning. But Justloq saved,” Little Blue maintained, squirming his body through the small gap between Brian and Michael again so that he could reconnect. “Now very much Brrrryon zagnut pleasure appendage dancing. You go away please very much.” 

Justloq tried to physically pull Brian in the direction they’d previously been heading, towards the bathroom and, presumably, the pleasure dancing room, but Michael grabbed Brian’s other arm and held the man back. Brian was basically turned into the focus of a human tug-of-war. He tried to release himself but the two combatants both had good grips and neither was letting go. He was jerked this way and that, as Justloq and Michael vied for possession of his person, with Michael making the most headway initially, towing Brian almost all the way back to the table where Em and Dreebo were waiting. Then, with a rather strong tug from Justloq that felt like it was about to pull his arm all the way out its socket, the alien jerked Brian completely free from Michael’s clutches, toppling Brian sideways. Luckily, the stronger-than-he-looked alien caught Brian before he fell and scooped him up in his little twinkie arms. When Michael, apparently undeterred, reached out as if to take Brian out of the interloper’s arms, Justloq screeched at the unwary human so loudly and with a note so high that everyone’s ears were ringing. Michael let go of his grip on Brian so as to cover his ears. 

“Stop! Stop already, Justloq!” Brian ordered with a backhanded slap to the alien’s chest. “And fucking put me down already. I’m not some damsel in distress. I can stand on my own fucking feet . . .”

“Who the fuck is this freak, Brian?” Michael asked as soon as the painful screeching had stopped. Then he turned to address Justloq directly. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but it’s time for you to move on, buddy. Brian’s already had you and he doesn’t do repeats. So why don’t you and your friends hit the road already and go back to fucking Finland or wherever else you’re from, okay?”

When he once again tried to reach out to Brian, intending to guide his best friend away from the blue-haired twink, Justloq screeched at him some more. Brian put out a hand towards the alien in a ‘stop’ gesture, which thankfully quieted the boy. Then he turned to Michael and just shook his head at the overly possessive little brunet. 

“Enough already, Mikey. You’re not my keeper. You don’t get to say when I’m done with someone or not.” Brian took a step backwards so he was out of reach of both combatants. “Besides, Justloq and the others are okay. I mean, they didn’t suck my brains out or anything, and they did sorta save me from drowning last night, so they’re welcome to stay. At least until their skidoo is dried out.”

“What the fuck are you talking about, Brian?” Michael whined. “I don’t know what kind of drugs they’ve been feeding you, but it’s time to come down now. These guys are bad news.”

Brian looked over at the cute, blue-haired hottie with the innocent face and laughed. “Lay off the kid, Mikey. He’s not doing anything to anybody. He just wants to get laid like everybody else. Besides, I think he’s kinda sweet.”

Michael looked at his friend as if Brian had turned into a pod person. “Listen, Brian, these guys are too fucking weird. They’re messing with your head. You need to stop wasting your time on these losers and tell them to get lost already.”

The argument was interrupted at this point by Com’dant Dreebo, who’d come up behind Michael, intent on intervening. Donning a dramatic expression, he tapped Michael on the shoulder and pleaded, “you’re tearing me apaaaart . . .”

Michael, who was undoubtedly a little intimidated by the hulking presence of the alien leader towering over him while doing James Dean impressions, backed away with both hands held out in front of him in a gesture of surrender. “What the hell?”

Too late, he realized that he’d backed right into the third alien, Daph, still in her male impersonator shape and surrounded by her pack of admirers. Daph held up a napkin dispenser she’d grabbed off a nearby table and pulled out a paper napkin which she unhelpfully held out towards Michael “Chill, Mr. Dude! Here. Sk@eewa23u. Yes? For you is good!”

When Michael just stared at Daph as if she were crazy, Dreebo shrugged and, his tongue zipping out from behind Michael’s head, he snatched the napkin up like an iguana catching a fly. Then, with a happy smile, he swallowed the napkin whole. For about half a second the crowd that had been watching this show were all stunned into silence. Brian was sure that the jig was up and his guests were about to be outed as aliens. There would probably be screaming and someone calling 911 or the CIA or the NSA or fucking NASA and someone would eventually show up and want to dissect them all - including, probably, Brian himself, since he’d been contaminated by them - and it was all about to turn majorly ugly. He moved so that he was standing in front of Justloq, offering his body as a sort of shield, for whatever that was worth.

Then, unexpectedly, one of the Blond of The Month contestants who’d been trailing along behind Daph stepped forward and declared, “I’m going home with HIM!”

Not be outdone, this huge leather bear shouldered the blond boy aside and asserted, “No. I’M going home with him.”

“You can all fuck off,” Emmett insisted, his hand coming up to grip the big red alien by the jaw, exclaiming more loudly than anyone else. “I’m the one going home with him!” Then he pulled Dreebo into a full-on lip lock so that nobody would be able to argue the point further.

Daph, who seemed to sense that the potential for trouble had passed, waved goodbye and went back to grinding with her harem of blond orgy boys. And, when Michael turned back to Brian, as if to renew his claims on his best friend, Justloq simply picked his human up and carried him away in the direction of the exit. 

“Bye, Mr. Dude,” Justloq said, then broke out into song, warbling the Sound of Music’s ‘So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye . . .’ as he carried his prize out of the bar.  

They were halfway down the block before Brian had stopped laughing at the shell-shocked look on Michael’s face. “You can put me down now, Blue.”

“Justloq no mind. No let Brrryon get away this time,” he responded. “Zagnut and pleasure appendage NOW!”

“Seriously, you need to back off and put me down. Now, Justloq!” 

With a reluctant huff, the alien obeyed, but then immediately looped his arm through Brian’s, almost as if he was afraid that Brian would try and bolt before he got his pleasure appendage dancing. Brian figured he at least had to give the guy points for being persistent. He’d been pursued before, but never like this. It was flattering in a way. But still, he wasn’t Scarlett O’Hara; he didn’t need to be carried off into the fucking sunset. 

Once he was back on his own two feet, Brian adjusted his clothing and led the way, heading in the direction of the loft. His alien friend seemed happy to trot along by his side so long as it seemed like they were headed in the direction of the long awaited pleasure dancing. Tenacious little blue fucker.

While they walked in silence, though, Brian had time to rehash the little scene that had just played out in Woody’s. He was more pissed off at Mikey’s possessiveness than he would have thought possible. He couldn’t believe that his friend would act like that. Like he had some overriding claim on Brian’s time. Especially after he’d just got back from his sojourn in Portland with Dr. Dave. What did he think? That he could just up and disappear from Brian’s life for six months - going off to Wisconsin, or wherever, to play the happy doctor’s wife - and then, when he got bored with that farce, come trotting back to insinuate himself into Brian’s life like he’d never left? Like Brian was some backup plan or something? Like Michael just assumed Brian wouldn’t have anything better to do than wait around for him to come back? Was Brian that fucking predictable? It made Brian feel like he was just some accessory to Michael’s life; like he didn’t deserve a life of his own.

Apparently, Brian had been too quiet and too pensive for too long, however, because after a few blocks his musings were interrupted by his alien twink nudging one elbow into Brian’s side and saying, “give it to me, Baby. Give it to me REAL good.” 

That got a laugh out of Brian. “Fuck. And here I thought I was a great conversationalist.”

“When you’re sad and you’re blue, and you’re tired of running ‘round, let Lionel Playworld turn that frown upside down . . .” Justloq offered, thankfully not singing the words this time.

“No. I’m fine. I just . . . Fuck, I’m not really good at talking about this shit.” Brian tried to avoid the conversation but his alien friend just kept looking at him expectantly and Brian, for some reason he couldn’t pinpoint, felt like he could maybe talk to this kid in a way he wouldn’t have even attempted with his human friends. “It’s just that . . . Michael and I haven’t been on the same wavelength since he got back to Pittsburgh. Maybe longer than that. I think Mikey just felt like everything would fall into place if he met ‘Mr. Right’. And, when it didn’t, he came back here and decided to take up where he left off with me. But I’m tired of being his idol. I don’t want to be some aging, loser, club boy just so Mikey can live out his sexual fantasies through me for the rest of his life. I feel like he’s taking me for granted. Like he just knows there’s no chance I could ever have a life of my own. But why does he get to grow up and move on and I don’t? You know?”

“Grow up?” Justloq asked.

“Yeah. You know, like, have new experiences. Go somewhere. Move on with my life . . .” Brian explained, his tone despondent and unsatisfied. “But, instead, I’m stuck here in fucking Pittsburgh and I probably always will be. I’m so sick of just doing the same old thing, day after day after day. The same bar. The same clubs. The same old guys. The same clients at work. The same everything. It’s fucking depressing. Nothing exciting ever happens here.”

“Justloq happens. That’s exciting.”

“I suppose so. Assuming, that is, I’m not just dreaming all this,” Brian replied with an unamused snort of laughter. Then he asked a question of his own, “you know, I don’t even know what planet you’re supposed to be from.”

“cUMSHOLK,” the alien replied, pointing up to the sky in a northeasterly direction.

“Of course you’re from a planet called ‘Cums A Lot’; I should have guessed that from your obsession with my ‘pleasure appendage’,” Brian laughed and shook his head. “I never would have thought that the first contact Earth would have with an alien race would be based on how mutually horny both species are. Good thing it seems like we’re anatomically compatible, huh?” Justloq gave a little melodic screech that Brian assumed was an alien version of a giggle. “You know, at first I thought you looked like a miniature bigfoot, or something. But, without that costume and all the wild make up, you’re not bad looking, kid. You’re kinda hot even. For a blue-haired, alien twink that is.”

“I’m hot-blooded. Check it and see. I got a fever of a hundred and three . . .” Blue confirmed, singing the lyrics just like Foreigner would have, while wiggling his body in a suggestive way that Brian found rather enticing. 

“So, tell me, Justloq, back on Planet Cums-A-Lot, do you guys have all this pressure to get boyfriends and settle down, or do you just hook up and spread your pleasure appendages around wherever you please?” Brian asked, reminded again about his thoughts on Michael’s recent return from domesticated heaven. Justloq gave a noncommittal shrug. “Oh, come on. You’re telling me a hot, horny little number like you doesn’t have a boyfriend or two back home?”

“No Mr. Right boyfriends.”

Brian gave an unamused laugh. “I told you, kid, there’s no such thing as ‘Mr. Right’. Even Michael found that out when he finally got bored of playing house with Dr. Dave.”

“Helm Ike El no want Dr. Dave. He want Brrryon,” Justloq stated the obvious.

“I don’t know what Michael wants,” Brian argued the point, ‘but it’s not me. He just likes the IDEA of me. The excitement of being the best friend of the biggest stud on Liberty Avenue. He doesn’t want the real me. He doesn’t even know the real me. That’s assuming even I know who the real me is . . .”

After a half a block of further silent contemplation, Justloq asked a question that nobody had ever voiced before. “What does Brrrryon want?”

“I have no fucking idea . . .” Brian replied with a heavy respiration. “I guess, in the end, I just want what everyone else in the universe wants; to find a place where I don’t have to work so fucking hard to fit in. To be happy. Whatever the fuck that means.”

“Justloq could make Brrrryon happy.”

By that point they’d reached the loft; Brian stopped to take out his keys and unlock the front door. “Thanks, Blue, but I don’t think anyone can help me in that regard. Not when I don’t even know what the fuck I need to be happy.”

“Justloq could make Brrryon feel very, VERY happy,” the little alien reached up to stroke along the side of Brian’s face in a familiar gesture. 

“Isn’t that what they always say?” Brian tried to laugh him off as he pushed the button to call the elevator. “Sorry, Blue, but sex alone isn’t gonna get me there. I get more offers of sex than I know what to do with. That’s kinda the problem, actually.”

“Sex? What is ‘sex’?” Justloq followed his human friend into the elevator, waiting patiently for Brian to pull the gate closed before answering. 

“Isn’t that what you came here for? The whole ‘pleasure appendage dancing’ thing?” Brian returned a question for another question. “That’s ‘sex’. But . . . I don’t know. There fucking has to be more to life than just sex, doesn’t there?”

“More? But sex is good, no? Brrrryon likes pleasure appendage dancing. Justloq saw Brrryon with men . . .”

“Fuck, Blue . . . I’ve been there, done that. You just insert tab A into slot B and rub them together till you get off,” Brian growled, stomping away from his alien guest as quickly as he could once the elevator stopped on his floor. “But . . . Fuck.” He broke off, apparently frustrated by trying to find the words to explain himself.

He used the excuse of unlocking the door to the loft to pause while he worked out what he wanted to say. 

Once they were both inside Brian continued along a different tack. “You’ve apparently been all over the universe, Justloq, so you tell me? Is there something better out there? A greater purpose or something? Maybe, I don’t know, is there something to this ‘love’ shit everyone tries to sell you? Cuz I gotta say, I haven’t found any reason to bother with any of that shit down here on Earth.”

“Pleasure more than ‘sex’,” the alien asserted. Brian just shook his head in denial. “Justloq show Brrryon.”

“Oh, yeah? You’re gonna show me how it’s done, huh? Good luck with that. I’ve seen and done just about everything . . .”

“Justloq show, Brrryon,” the little alien insisted and then, reaching out to stroke Brian’s face again, he ‘shushed’ the human before the man could argue further. “Justloq teach Brrryon feel pleasure.”

Suddenly, Brian felt this zap of heat and his vision went a little blurry. He could feel the blood rising under his skin every place the alien’s fingers touched as they trailed down the side of his face, down the column of his neck, and across his collar bone. What he could see seemed to be filtered through a rainbow haze of light. He wasn’t sure for a minute or two if he was still breathing. Everything was light and soft and warm and breathless. 

“Justloq show you, Brrrryon,” the alien said and Brian could see the notes of his words dancing across the field of his vision like sparks of gemstone-bright light. 

Brian laughed in response. The sound of his laughter sparkled like fireworks against the ceiling of his bedroom as the alien laid Brian down atop the bed and did some kind of magic that made their clothing disappear. Then the nubile young alien was climbing up his body and spreading that love touch thing of his all over Brian’s skin, making him delirious with the overwhelming ecstasy of it all. 

Brian had never, in all his long and promiscuous life, imagined that being with another man could feel like this. There were no words that could adequately describe the impulses his senses were feeding him. He could smell the colors and taste the feelings of every object around him. He didn’t know how to breathe but wasn’t ever in need of oxygen. His skin became a map of every single spot Justloq had touched him, traces of rainbow heat outlining every place their bodies had come into contact, with punctuations of exploding pleasure at any spot where the alien had kissed him or licked him or punctured him with that pleasure appendage of his. It was fucking glorious. 

When Blue straddled him and carefully guided Brian’s dick to his welcoming little zagnut, Brian was inundated with a sense of contentment that he’d never thought possible. He felt like he was being taken inside the other man, enveloped in velvety comfort. Everything was warm and tight and welcoming in a way that even the best sex he’d had in the past could never compare with. He rutted away, the exertion taking no effort, and every ripple of touch felt like a flame of joy. Like his dick had found a home he never wanted to leave. 

But just when Brian thought it couldn’t possibly get any better, it did. Justloq touched his face again and the world exploded in light. His soul became almost unbearably transcendent. This wasn’t just the pure physical climax of nerve endings, stimulated until they triggered a muscle spasm, leading to the release of endorphins; this felt like he’d established a direct connection between his cock and the pleasure centers of his brain. There were explosions of heat and light and sound and taste and a few other senses he couldn’t even name. It was all too much for words. 

Through it all, though, was this pervading sense of connection to his amazing alien lover. Justloq was now a part of him. Their cells were infused with each other’s essences. Brian was now an integral link in Justloq’s existence and vice versa. They were together in a way Brian thought shouldn’t be possible, and yet, he knew this connection was permanent and profound. 

It was dawn when Brian finally drifted back to himself. He didn’t know how many times they’d fucked over the past however many hours. If you could even call what they’d done ‘fucking’. He’d never really liked the term ‘making love’ but maybe, now, he kind of understood it? Although, whatever he’d just experienced had to be more than what ordinary humans understood love to be. What they’d just had was . . . Well, it was MORE, that was for sure. 

“Fuck, Justloq . . . What the fuck WAS that?” he mumbled into the mop of messy blue hair nestled into his shoulder. 

“That was z’dsj;copl,” Justloq answered. “More than your ‘sex’, no? Pleasuring. You like more?” And, rolling to face Brian, he touched his lover’s face once again, carrying Brian off to paradise for fuck knew how long. 

*VSOPDIFU z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

 

 

Chapter ^V>

Brian was having the strangest dream. It was like some bizarro-world version of ‘Leave It To Beaver’. Only, in this episode, Brian was the one wearing the pastel sweater set and pearls and making breakfast for the family in the kitchen of the mid-century modern split-level home in the suburbs. He pulled the frying pan off the stove and flipped two perfectly done pancakes onto a china plate before calling out, “wakey-wakey, eggs and bakey!” The next thing he knew, there was the sound of pattering feet running down the hallway and a second later two ET-like beings stumbled through the kitchen door. One had long blond curls framing its face and the other was wearing one of those bright red-felt beanie hats with a propeller on the top. The alien children screech-giggled at each other and roughhoused to see which would get the closest stool at the kitchen island. Brian was about to chastise them for this unruly behavior when Justloq - back in his blue uniform with full blue face paint - ambled into the room, giving Brian a kiss on the cheek. 

“Morning, Sunshine,” Justloq greeted his man. “My panty shields make me feel fresh and clean all day!”

“What?” Brian asked, totally confused. 

“Good morning, Starshine! The Earth says ‘hello’!” the ET children sang out. 

The Justloq added, “you twinkle above me. I twinkle below . . .”

Dream Brian, who was, for some reason, grievously offended by this, immediately countered. “I’m not a twink. You’re the twink!”

In response to which, all three aliens began to chant, “twinkle, twinkle. Twinkle, twinkle. Twinkle, twinkle,” while pounding out a repetitive double beat on the counter tops or their plates or with their feet. 

“Stop! Stop it! I’m not a twink. I’m not! I’m NOT a twink!” Brian yelled back at them. 

Justloq - who now looked a lot like Buzz Lightyear, only in blue - merely hissed at him, “to infinity and beyond, Brrrryon!” 

Frantically, Brian tried to retreat from his threatening alien family, but just when it seemed like he might get away, he tripped over the weird alien robot dog and fell, his escape thwarted, allowing the aliens to close in for the kill . . . 

“Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey, Brrrryon!” a real-life Justloq was whispering in his ear as the poor, disoriented human jerked awake. As soon as he saw that Brian was once again among the living, the blue-haired alien added a very loud, “Gooooooood Morning, Vietnam!” He actually did a pretty good Robin Williams imitation too, if Brian was being honest.

“Fuuuuuuuck!” Brian moaned and let his head fall back atop the slim alien chest. “It wasn’t just a really bad drug trip, was it?”

“People on ‘ludes should not drive,” Justloq advised, looking wise.

“No shit, Jeff Spicoli,” Brian moaned. “Unfortunately, this isn’t Ridgemont High and my name isn’t ‘Brad’.” Brian started to get up but his Blue alien lover wasn’t about to let him leave yet and pulled the human back into his embrace. Brian really didn’t want to fight him, though, so he let himself be held, snuggled in Justloq’s strong arms. “Shit, Blue . . . Everything that happened, it’s really real? All of it?”

“I'm as real as it gets, Baby,” Justloq confirmed.

Since Brian didn’t know what to do or say, he just laid there, relaxing back into the feeling of contentment Justloq’s touch engendered and smiled. Why fight it, right? After the night he’d just had, why would he even WANT to fight it? Especially when everything felt so fucking right. So he just laid there, wallowing in the feelings of happiness that enveloped him, and listened to the sounds of his alien lover’s heartbeat.

‘Thump-thump-thump-thump, thump-thump-thump-thump, thump-thump-thump-thump . . .”

“You have the strangest heartbeat,” Brian commented after a bit. “It sounds almost like you have two hearts.”

“Don’t you?” Blue asked with an almost human-looking smile. 

“No,” Brian giggled - yes, he actually giggled like a fucking school-girl, he was THAT happy - and twisted so he could leave a kiss on the pec below his ear from whence the heartbeats emanated. “Humans only have one heart.”

“Ah. Poor achey, breaky heart,” Justloq whispered, reaching over to pat at Brian’s chest in a teasing manner. 

“If you start singing country music songs, I’m throwing you out,” Brian teased back. 

“Never!” Justloq promised, sealing the deal with a kiss that left Brian breathless again.

Before they could get lost once more in the throes of z’dsj;copl, they were interrupted by a loud knocking on the glass panel that separated the bedroom from the rest of the loft. A second later Com’dant Dreebo stuck his head into the room and screeched. “Justloq, “S )*yw3VRO YZSDFC H Vn ;ds.”

“What did he say?” Brian asked, although he suspected whatever he’d said wasn’t good. 

Justloq shrugged, and with one last kiss, explained. “No more water. Time to finish repairs.”

Brian groaned at the loss of his comfy, warm bedmate but, despite having got practically no sleep the night before, what with all the zagnut pleasure dancing, he felt too energized and happy to just lie there. He crawled out of bed, managed to find his way to the bathroom, and eventually even located some clothes. However, when he finally emerged from the bedroom, he almost turned immediately around and went right back to bed. No way was he ready to deal with the destruction that was his loft right then.

“What the fuck happened here?” Brian demanded, scanning the overturned furniture, the broken light fixture, and the randomly spaced naked bodies laying all over his normally pristine loft. 

“Brrryon doing handstands,” Daph, now back to her usual female form,  answered and picked up an overturned barstool. 

“And juggling,” Justloq added, grinning at Brian from where he was standing in the living room, examining the miniature skidoo spaceship. 

“You are not very good,” Dreebo critiqued judgmentally. 

“Yeah, well, blame Dr. Love over there.” Brian playfully stuck his tongue out at Justloq, happy that alien love-touch hangovers didn’t come with a headache. 

“Mmmmmuuuuhhhh uuugggghhh!” a muted moaning, coming out from under a pile of cushions on the couch, cut into Brian’s flirtation. “Did anyone get the license plate of the fucking truck that ran me over last night . . .”

Lifting up the closest pillow, Brian discovered the owner of the moaning was none other than Pittsburgh’s very own Southern Queen, Emmett P. Honeycutt, himself. 

“Rise and shine, little darlin,” Brian laughed and then whacked his friend over the head with the pillow. 

“What the hell happened . . .” Em muttered, looking around himself in much the same way Brian had done just a few minutes before. When his gaze landed on the big red alien who was now chattering away with Justloq on the other side of the coffee table, the embarrassed nelly queen actually blushed, his scarlet cheeks almost matching the color of Dreebo’s hair. “Oh. Yeah . . . THAT happened.”

“I take it you enjoyed yourself last night, Emmy Lou?” Brian kidded. 

“I think so . . .” He sat up carefully and shook his head as if to clear his thoughts. “I mean . . . Dayum.”

“Yeah. Pretty much,” Brian agreed.

They weren’t given any longer to compare notes, though, because all the human chattering and the alien screeching, as well as the clanking noises now coming from inside the little skidoo on the table - Brian assumed that was where his Blue had disappeared to - had roused the rest of the orgy participants. There were naked men slowly coming to consciousness everywhere you looked. The biggest pile of them, congregated on the large floor cushions in the corner, slowly untangled itself with various complaints, moans, grunts, and groans. 

The majority of this blond boy brood seemed to be substantially more fucked out than even Brian or Em had been. Go, Daph! It took quite a while to sort them all out. Several of them kept looking around with confusion, as if trying to find something they’d lost, side-eyeing the dark-skinned, yellow-haired female helping them gather their clothing together, and muttering to each other about what a strong resemblance she had to the guy they thought they’d fucked the night before. 

When all seven of the blond groupies were on their feet and fully attired, Daph led them to the door and ushered them out with a haughty ‘Lord of the Rings’ quote: “farewell, my brave Hobbits. Here, at last, on the shores of the sea, comes the end of our fellowship. Buh-bye!” And she slammed the door closed in their collective faces. 

Then, without another thought for her discarded and deluded lovers, Daph joined Dreebo, where they began quietly screeching at each other and pointing to the miniature spaceship rocking to and fro atop the Mies van der Rohe accent table. As soon as Daph had received her orders from her commander, she twisted a dial on the alien utility belt she was wearing and immediately started shrinking, not stopping until her body was only about the size of Brian‘s index finger. Which was, of course, the perfect size to allow her to climb inside the broken spaceship in order to join her blue companion in the necessary repairs. 

“I . . . I . . . I . . .” Em stammered, pointing weekly towards the spot where the blonde alien had just disappeared into what appeared to be a toy Skidoo. “I don’t think I’m feeling well. I think . . . I think I better go home now. Except . . . Well . . . I may need a little help.” Brian looked over to where his still-naked friend was lolling on the couch like a jellyfish. “Um, I may - and this is a first even for ME - but, I think I may have been fucked so hard and so well that I actually servered my spinal cord. At least, that’s the only explanation I can think of for why my legs won’t work . . .” He looked up at Brian, a worried frown marring his face. “Please tell me it’s only temporary and that I’ll eventually get the feeling back in my lower extremities . . . Please?”

“Hey, Big Red,” Brian waved the alien commander over. “Some assistance here, please. I think Em might’ve overdone it a bit last night.”

Dreebo strode over to the couch, ‘hmmmmed’ down at his prior night's conquest, and then screeched something loudly over his shoulder in the direction of the tiny spaceship. In response, Justloq climbed out of the top of the model spaceship, re-enlarged himself, and trotted over to join the group staring down at a reclining Emmett. Then the helpful alien unclipped a small metal wand from the side of his own utility belt and twisted the tip, causing the instrument to hum slightly, before waving the object over the length of Em’s body. 

“Kiss the boo-boo, make it all better,” the little blue alien ordered his hulky red comrade when he was done.

With a grimace that your average alien probably considered a kindly smile, Dreebo bent down and tenderly kissed Emmett’s lips. “Good as new,” he declared. 

Of course, the cure for being totally fucked out by an alien wasn’t instantaneous. Emmett still seemed a little unsteady on his feet, although he was much improved. Brian decided he’d better call a cab to make sure his friend would get home safely. Dreebo gallantly offered to carry the wobbly queen down to the waiting taxi when it arrived. 

As the dashing red alien hefted Emmett into his strong arms, the ever-flirty bottom boy coyly asked, “so, Red, when will I see you again?”

Dreebo, though, merely shook his head and replied, “we’ll always have Paris.” 

“But . . . But . . . No. You can’t just . . . You can’t just leave. Not like this. Please, Red, stay . . . Please.” Brian could still hear his love-lorn friend begging as Dreebo rounded the corner on the stairs. “You can’t leave me like this. I want to have your baby . . .” 

Justloq, who had quietly come up behind Brian, slid the loft door closed so they wouldn’t have to listen to the pleading any longer. “Dreebo is  SPOD(*fuscvn nomimale - not boy or girl - but mostly prefers females for z’dsj;copl,” Justloq explained with a shrug. “Also, has a zs98cysv - wife - back home on cUMSHOLK.” 

“What did I say?” Brian shook his head dismissively. “There’s no such thing as ‘Mr. Right’.”

Justloq looked like he was going to argue that point, reaching out to grab Brian’s hand, but was called away by another insistent screeching coming out of the ship. “Later, alligator,” he promised and left Brian in order to do his duty with the ship repairs. 

*VSOPDIFU z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

For the next several hours the three aliens worked diligently doing fuck-knew-what in their miniture ship. 

Brian, who in contrast to his friend Emmett’s enfeebled state, still felt incredibly energized, ordered-in breakfast for them all and then decided to take another stab at placating Cynthia. It took a little convincing, and a strategic offer of a raise, but he eventually managed to sweet talk his assistant into helping reschedule the Liberty Air presentation and running interference with the art department to get the changes Brian wanted made on the boards completed in time. All the while he was working, though, Brian kept an eye on the aliens while they puttered around, miniaturizing themselves to get into the ship then re-enlarging themselves again, over and over.

At the same time, a certain little blue-haired alien seemed equally unable to focus on his work. Justloq’s eyes seemed to stray towards Brian just as often as the reverse. Occasionally, as he passed by, the extraterrestrial would detour close enough that he could run a finger along Brian’s shoulders or touch his hand. Each touch caused a tiny echoing tremor of connection to arc through Brian’s body. It was as if, whatever connection they’d forged the night before was still there, just beneath the surface. The conflagration was ready to be reignited with the least little spark. Before long Brian found himself making excuses to go over and see how his guests were progressing with their work just so he could be near enough to brush against his Blue’s shoulder or leave a seemingly innocent kiss on the soft cheek. They were drawn together against their will. 

When the repair crew stopped for a late lunch - upon Brian’s recommendation they agreed to Thai takeout, because you couldn’t come all the way to Earth for a visit without at least trying the best damn cuisine this tiny blue planet had to offer - he found himself naturally gravitating to the end of the couch where his favorite alien was sitting. He readily let the deceptively young-looking male wrap a possessive arm around his waist and pull him in until they were snuggled up together just like some lovesick couple, and he didn’t even care. It was a relief to be touching again. It felt so amazingly good. They weren’t even doing anything overtly sexual; they were just sitting together and laughing and eating Thai. But it was the most perfect and natural thing in the world. And when he playfully stole a bite of spring roll off Justloq’s fork, it didn’t even faze him how domesticated and relationshipy it looked.

Later, when they were sipping a couple of beers while digesting their meal, and both Dreebo and Daph had conveniently made themselves scarce, Brian curled up into the space under the alien boy’s shoulder. He’d really never felt this content before in his life. If he hadn’t felt so utterly serene, he might have even freaked out about it a little. 

“So, tell me about Cums-a-lot. Is it nice there? Is it like Earth? Do you have oxygen on the surface?” Brian found himself asking, as if making light conversation was a regular thing for him. 

“Yes. It is beautiful,” Justloq elucidated. “Especially in zs 0d8yzsnd - your equivalent of Summer, I believe you’d call it - when the second sun sets beneath the ring of the blue asteroid belt. The sky is a most pleasant purple then. Very much nice.”

“You have two suns? Doesn’t it get hot?”

“No too hot. They are very far away from cUMSHOLK. It is a large solar system.”

“Hmmm.” Brian snuggled closer and took another sip of his beer. “Is driving a UFO and searching for asteroids a good job?”

Justloq shrugged and left a kiss on Brian’s ear before answering, “I love the smell of commerce in the morning.”

“Damn. I would have thought an advanced society capable of traveling the stars would have grown beyond crass capitalism,” Brian joked. “Oh, well. Does that mean they have advertising there too? Maybe I could find a job selling travel packages to Earth tourists or something?”

Justloq made a screechy alien giggle and squeezed Brian tighter to his side.

“Does making yourself small and then big again over and over hurt? I mean, like, you’d think it would eventually cause genetic damage or something . . .”

Justloq shook his head and reassured him, “safe as houses.”

“Well, that’s good.” Brian sipped at his beer again for a minute or two. “Speaking of houses, do you own your home or rent?”

“A 08ufaevnaivf;0 84y809kjdnv;s8iye5v 82239@@@” Com’dant Dreebo interrupted, thankfully, before Brian completely emasculated himself. 

Justloq gave his human one more kiss before getting up. “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” Then he followed his boss back over to the work area and left Brian to mull over his unprecedented descent into wannabe coupledom.

*VSOPDIFU z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*

The repairs were completed by sunset. 

Brian, who was grappling with the confusing rush of unfamiliar emotions he’d been suffering all day, had retreated to his bedroom by that point. He knew it was time even before Justloq came to give him the news based on the weird, subsonic mechanical rumbling that began out in his living room. So, when his alien lover came up the steps towards him, he refused to let the boy speak. He just pulled his Blue Boy down onto the bed with him and stopped up all the unwelcome words with kisses. 

“Brrrryon . . .”

“Shhh!” Brian ordered, one finger over the other’s lips so Justloq couldn’t say anything further. “Will you just shut the fuck up and make with the love touch thing already so my pleasure appendage can get reacquainted with your zagnut one last time.”

“Very much yes, Brrryon,” Blue answered as he stroked Brian’s cheek with a rainbow-hued caress.

Several eons later - or maybe just a couple hours, who knew when you were that blissed out - Brian was roused out of a supremely restful post-z’dsj;copl nap. 

“[ 09udfaw r vclrn8vy ahdv we9bpfszhdc azdos; dzo$” Daph screech-whispered at them from around the edge of the closest dividing panel. 

“Daph says it’s time to go, Brrrryon,” Alien Boy Blue translated quietly. 

And what was Brian supposed to say to that? He wasn’t some pathetic pussy-boy. He didn’t do love. Right? So, without saying anything, he tamped down all those messy emotions he’d been fighting all day, got up, and started dressing. 

Meanwhile the three aliens held a hissing screech-fest over in the corner, but Brian just ignored them. 

“I’m assuming you’ll want to head back to the park by the river?” Brian suggested. “You’ll have more room to re-enlarge your Skidoo over there. Plus, it’s less likely my neighbors will see you taking off and call out the National Guard.”

“Yes. That will be acceptable, Brrryon. Much thanking you,” Dreebo responded formally. 

Of course Daph ruined the solemnity of the moment by breaking out into the Golden Girls theme song, “thank you for being a friend! I traveled down a road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant . . .”

“Yeah. And you’re a freak, Daph,” Brian joked half-heartedly. “Well, let’s get this show on the road already . . .” adding under his breath, ‘. . . so I can get back to doing boring human things until I keel over from the monotony of it all.”

The aliens quickly re-attired themselves in their furry ‘uniforms’, complete with the face-paint markings that indicated their various ranks. Brian sighed, grabbed his wallet and keys, and turned his back on the sight of his crazy weekend guests. Daph hoisted the mini-spaceship onto her hip. On the way to the door, Justloq reached out and tried to stop him, but Brian shrugged him off without even a glance backwards. The fun was over and it was high time he got back to reality.

Only, they didn’t quite make it out of the loft.

When Brian pulled open the front door he discovered an angry Michael Novotny, one fist raised as if about to knock. “What the fuck happened over here last night, Brian? Emmett’s been a fucking fall-down mess all day. He said something about you hosting an orgy and then he broke into tears and all I could get out of him after that was that he wants to have some guy’s baby? He’s seriously fucked up.”

“It wasn’t like that, Mikey . . .” Brian started to explain but was cut off before he could get a full sentence out.

“That’s bullshit, Brian! You should’ve been looking out for him. He’s your friend. But, no, you were probably off getting high as a kite and fucking your brains out instead of making sure some abusive rando wasn’t terrorizing your friend!” Michael growled, hands on hips, looking a lot more like his mother than he probably knew right then. “You’ve done a lot of shitty things in your life, Brian, but this has gotta top them all.”

“I don’t have time for this right now, Mikey.” 

He started to close the door in Michael’s face, but the angry little Italian wasn’t having that. “No. We’re going to talk about this, and we’re gonna talk about it now. You’ve been an asshole ever since I got back from Portland, Brian, and I’ve had just about enough.”

Michael reached out and grabbed a hunk of Brian’s shirt in an effort to try to prevent him from escaping. The force of the movement caused Brian to stumble back a pace. But when Michael shoved open the door so he could follow Brian inside, he found himself confronted not only by his longtime best friend, but also by three furry technicolored aliens.

“What the hell?!?” 

At least the odd sight finally shut up Michael’s griping, Brian thought to himself. “You remember the Finland guys, right, Michael?”

“But . . . But . . . What?”

“I’d love to stay in chat but we were just on our way out.” Brian shoved his way past the stunned human, all three alien visitors on his heel, and proceeded to lead his merry band down the stairs. “Mind locking up for me, Mikey?”

Unfortunately, Michael managed to regain his senses before Brian‘s troop made it all the way out of the building. He came pelting down the stairs after them, screaming like his hair was on fire. “Brian! Brian, wait!”

Brian grumbled but he knew it was futile to try and avoid the oncoming confrontation so he paused on the sidewalk outside his building and waited for the inevitable.

“I don’t know what the fuck is going on here, Brian, but this is fucked up!” Michael insisted, pointing an accusatory finger to the band of aliens waiting nearby. “There’s something not right about these guys, Brian. I don’t know what kind of drugs you’re all on, but you need to stop and take a look at yourself. I can’t believe you’re hanging around with a bunch of fucking Furrys now. Did they brainwash you or something? This is just downright fucking weird, Brian. And you know what, I don’t even think they’re really from Finland.”

Of course, that caused Brian to double over in laughter. When he finally caught his breath he replied, “really? You know, NOTHING gets by you, Mikey, does it?” Then, turning his back on his friend, Brian waved to the waiting aliens and led them off down the block towards where the Jeep was parked.

“Brian! Wait up, Brian!” Michael, undeterred, came barreling after the bunch, grabbing hold of Brian’s arm and jerking him back violently enough that Brian tripped and fell flat on his ass. “I’m not letting you go anywhere with these freaks of nature, Brian!”

That was too much for Brian’s overprotective alien lover, though. Stepping forward so he was right up in Michael’s face, Justloq jabbed his index finger into the little bully’s chest and growled, “oizd8u8[24t@@@” which was probably some alien curse word, Brian thought. “Very much bad human! No hurt MY Brrrryon!” 

Brian watched as the finger still prodding Michael’s chest began to pulse with waves of rainbow-hued light waves. Michael looked like he was paralyzed; he just stood there, shaking, his eyes so wide they appeared to take up most of his shocked face. After several seconds of this, though, Michael slowly collapsed into a quaking ball right there on the sidewalk. And a few seconds following that, he was rolling around, moaning, and mumbling, “yes. Oh, yes. Oh, oh, oh . . .”

“I thought you said you weren’t going to fry anyone’s brains,” Brian accused, looking over at his writhing friend.

“No fried brains,” Justloq replied, offering a hand to help Brian up. “Just Dr. Love.”

“You love zapped him?” Brian laughed. 

They were all still laughing a moment later when Brian’s nosy neighbor, the stuffy Ms. Zekendorf, walked by with her poodle, Penelope. She looked at them like they were lunatics; but, of course, that’s how she usually looked at Brian anyway, so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. What did startle her was when Love-Struck Michael rolled over, seized the unsuspecting pet poodle, and began to fondle and grind on the poor confused pet. Brian didn’t think Ms. Zekendorf appreciated the way they all laughed even harder. She shot Brian a withering look, bent over to tug her Penelope out of the grip of the lascivious nutcase rolling around on the ground, and then stomped off disapprovingly. Brian was still laughing so hard he almost pissed himself five minutes later.

“It’ll wear off eventually, right?” Brian asked when he’d finally calmed down enough to manage words.

“Eventually,” Justloq grinned at him, looking pleased with himself. 

“Well, we can’t just leave him here, rolling around on the ground,” Brian concluded reluctantly. “Better toss him in the back of the Jeep and let’s get moving before Ms. Zekendorf calls the cops on us.”

The subsequent drive back to the Three Rivers Heritage Trail area and the river was relatively uneventful. Brian didn’t know what to say, so he just concentrated on driving. The only sound in the car came from where Michael was still rolling around in the back and moaning to himself. But it was a short drive, so at least they didn’t have to listen to Michael’s self love symphony for long. 

Once back at the park, Dreebo and Daph wasted no time carrying their toy spaceship over to a secluded spot shielded from the road by some trees. Brian watched as the Com’dant twirled the dial on his utility belt and the ship re-enlarged itself until it was about the same size as the Jeep. There was a little more rattling around, with Daph crawling around under the ship for a minute or two, before the engine hummed quietly to life and the lights flickered on.

Brian knew that was it. It was time to say goodbye and get on with his shit, but . . . Well, fuck it all, he didn’t want to for some reason. 

The little blue alien who’d been standing silently beside him while his companions did their final preparations, seemed equally reluctant. But, when Brian’s Blue turned to him, as if to speak, Brian just couldn’t handle it. 

“I hate soppy goodbyes. Just go already,” he ordered and started to turn away so he wouldn’t have to watch them leave. 

“Brrrryon. Wait, Brrrryon,” Justloq demanded, catching hold of Brian’s hand in order to stop him from walking away. “Brrryon ‘join the navy and see the world’. With Justloq? You be ‘Mr. Right’ now for Justloq?”

That stopped Brian in his tracks. “You want me to . . . What? Come with you?” He pointed at the ship where Big Red and Perky Yellow were waiting with smiles on their furry faces. “Seriously?”

Breaking into a not-bad Frank Sinatra imitation, Blue warbled, “come fly with me. Let’s fly. Let’s fly away . . .”

“But . . . I can’t,” Brian insisted. “I can’t just leave. I’ve got responsibilities. I have a business to run and . . .”

“Only for !!! morquips,” Justloq explained, holding up three fingers to demonstrate what he meant. “When mission over, Brrrryon come back.”

“How long is a morquip,” Brian attempted the alien word, probably mangling it. 

“Morquip is equivalent to the time it takes the primary moon of cUMSHOLK to orbit the planet one time,” Justloq advised. “You would say ‘month’, yes?”

Brian looked at the spaceship, then back at his Jeep where he could still hear Moaning Michael rolling around in the back, then looked up at Justloq again. The alien smiled at him, reaching out to touch Brian’s face with a tender gesture. And Brian figured, what the fuck. He would never have another chance like this and there really wasn’t anything - or anyone - down here that he would miss that much. Plus, well, there was that connection/love thing with his Blue that he didn’t totally hate.  

“You know what? Fuck it all! I’m in!” he declared. Then he pulled his phone out of his pocket, hit speed dial #3, and waited until the call connected. “Hey, Theodore. Guess what? Something came up!” He laughed and smiled at his waiting lover. “Yeah, I’m, uh . . . Well, I don’t know what I’m going to be doing but I won’t be doing it around here for a while. I'm heading out into the wild blue yonder with my friends from Finland. You and Cynthia can handle Kinnetik for a while, right?” The alien waiting for Brian could hear Ted’s voice protesting through the phone line for a minute or two before Brian interrupted him. “Whatever, Ted. I don’t care. Just do your best. Or don’t. I don’t really care. I’m outta here. Oh, and, can you come pick up my car? It’s parked at the Three Rivers Trail and Mikey’s passed out in the back seat. Great. See ya in three morquips, Theodore.” 

Brian ended the call, tossed his useless phone into the back seat of the Jeep, and then turned to face Justloq. Arm in arm with his human lover, Justloq led the way over to where the alien spaceship was waiting. Daph reached down a hand to help Brian up. Then Dreebo did his dial twirling thing and Brian began to shrink until he was the right size to fit inside the Skidoo. 

With a last look around his home planet, Brian smiled at the blue alien and said, “okay. Fly me to the moon, Blue Eyes! I’m all yours for the next !!! morquips.”

Justloq kissed him, long and hard, and then gestured to Brian to precede him down into the ship. “We have so much very good pleasure appendage dancing in !!! morquips, Brrryon. You will see. And we should be back just in time for your Emmett friend to have the Dreebo babies . . .”

Whatever Brian’s response to that statement might have been will probably never be known because the hatch to the ship closed right then and that was the last the Earth saw of Brian Kinney for the next !!! morquips.

*VSOPDIFU z’dsj;copl DPGFHDTH*