Justin looked out his bedroom window. It was January, and it was freezing cold. Snow was literally everywhere and even more was falling. And honestly, it wasn't Justin's favorite time of year, he just really preferred to be warm. But something about the view just fascinated him. He couldn't take his eyes off it. And he knew he had to paint that beautiful sight in front of him.



He hadn't thought much about painting lately, and even when he did occasionally, he was so busy that he didn't have time for it. Or maybe that was just an excuse, because painting just didn't bring him as much joy as it used to. But today he had all the time in the world. And this was how he wanted to spend it. Because he hadn't felt a spark like the one he was feeling right now looking out the window in a long time. He just had to buy some new art supplies at the store first.



He put on his warmest jacket and basically everything he knew would keep him warm and headed out. He felt like a fucking snowman covered in snow from head to toe. His face was completely frozen. So right after he got everything he needed from the store, he stopped at a coffee shop. He ordered a black coffee with one sugar, and because he was quite hungry, he took it with a croissant.



He just sat there for a while, thinking about... basically everything. Things had been tough lately, but he was managing... well, most of the time.



Before he headed out again, he went to the restroom first. He stopped in front of the mirror for a moment. He didn't look his best. He had dark circles under his eyes and some fine lines here and there. And he was actually pretty tired. But he really wanted to make that painting. So he rinsed his face with cool water and then headed for the exit.



He wasn't really paying attention to anything, just putting one foot in front of the other and basically pushing his way through the huge crowd, thinking about the beautiful view he wanted to paint so badly.



So it wasn't much of a surprise when he accidentally bumped into someone.



"Hey, I'm walking here, asshole!" shouted a stern voice.



"Shit. I'm so sorry," Justin said immediately, looking at the tall man in front of him.



"Be fucking careful, you're not the only one here."



"I said I was sorry." Justin got a bit irritated, but he tried to stay calm.



The older man just muttered something under his breath and walked away. Justin shook his head and just stood there for a few seconds, wondering how his life had gotten to this point.



But as he was about to continue walking, something suddenly caught his eye. Someone. In the crowd. It was only a split second, but he was so sure he had just seen... no, he couldn't, because it just wasn't possible.



But what if it was? What if it really was him? What if it was...?



"You're fucking dreaming," he said to himself.



But no matter how hard he tried to convince himself that he didn't see who he thought he saw, he couldn't shake the feeling in his chest. So he quickened his pace, walking straight ahead and looking around. But there were so many people and so many faces that his head began to spin.



He had to stop for a moment to catch his breath. Then he basically laughed at himself, he was being ridiculous. He was looking for someone who just couldn't be there. Someone who probably wouldn't even recognize him anymore. And he was really freezing, which was probably why he was delusional. His fucking brain was frozen, making him see things.



So accepting the fact that he was probably losing his mind, he decided it was time to head back home and start working on the painting. However, when he suddenly looked up, he saw a man a few feet in front of him who seemed to be staring at him. At first he couldn't see his face properly through the thick falling snow. But when he finally met his eyes, his heart immediately stopped. Because he would have recognized those eyes anywhere.



It really was him.



The man who stole his heart and never gave it back.



The one and only Brian Kinney.



His Brian.



The man he hadn't seen in almost 20 years.

Justin's heart squeezed tight like never before, and so did his stomach, he was barely even breathing, just standing completely still and staring as snowflakes fell on his eyelashes. He was sure his eyes were only playing tricks on him. Maybe he was hypothermic from the cold and hallucinating. Or maybe he'd finally lost his fucking mind. He certainly wouldn't be surprised. But whatever it was, this just couldn't be happening. There was no way in hell Brian Kinney was standing right in front of him. No freaking way. He just didn't want to believe it, his heart was far too fragile to even allow himself to believe something like that. To believe that the man he had once loved so deeply, that he was willing to sacrifice absolutely anything for him, could be in the same place at the same time as he was after all these years. But the longer he stared at the man in front of him, the more certain he was that he was seeing correctly. And the realization was just so overwhelming.



"Oh my God," he breathed quietly, his whole body shivering, but the cold had nothing to do with it. He was shivering because he was being flooded with all the emotions he had worked so hard to bury once and for all.



And he was not prepared for that, not even a little bit. Sure, he had wondered for a very long time what it would be like to see Brian again. What his thoughts and feelings would be. What Brian would look like and what he would say to him. He had imagined this moment a billion times, knowing that the chances of it actually happening were very slim to basically zero. But this was far from his imagination. And he was not able to make a sound, let alone move. He just stared into Brian's hazel eyes that stared right back at him with the same shock and disbelief.



Twenty years, that's how long they hadn't seen each other. They were basically strangers now, just two men who had once deeply loved each other. And yet looking into Brian's eyes made Justin feel like they'd never been apart. As if the time that had passed was really just a split second.



But that was sadly far from the truth. Because those twenty years had indeed happened, and the life Justin had known back then was long gone. And the Brian that Justin knew and loved was probably gone, too. Which ultimately made him a stranger. A stranger who had lived two decades of a life that Justin hadn't been a part of. And that only reminded Justin of the pain and heartbreak he felt back then.



But he didn't want to think about that. The only thing that mattered right now was this moment right here.



And so before he knew it a smile found its way to his lips. Even his eyes lit up like they hadn't in a really long time. Brian had always had that effect on him, and that obviously hadn't changed. Just seeing him made him remember everything. It made him remember the love he felt for him. How strong and beautiful it was. Even after everything, he could still say it with confidence. Because the way he felt about Brian, he'd never felt about anyone else. They might have only spent a few years together, and it hadn't always been easy, but what they'd experienced together was unlike anything else. It was the kind of love that people hoped to find. And he had it. He had it with Brian. And then he lost it. Their love was like sand, no matter how hard they tried to hold on to it, it spilled through their fingers. And that broke Justin like nothing else. Sure, he healed with time, but he was never the same.



But that was also not something he wanted to have on his mind. Because no matter what had happened then, seeing Brian right now made him want to forget it all. He just wanted to think about the good, beautiful things.



But God, he was not prepared, no, he was not fucking prepared to see Brian's face ever again. Sure, he'd seen it many times in his dreams or when he simply closed his eyes and thought of him, though as the years passed it wasn't as sharp and it slowly faded, but it was still there, in his memory. But now he could see that the beauty had never left him. He looked like the spitting image of his younger self. He still had his charm and attractiveness that made Justin's knees buckle. Justin remembered how afraid Brian had been of getting older, but looking at him now, he knew he had no reason to be. If anything, he looked even better. Hotter. He was still taking his breath away. Maybe even more so. His hair was just tiny bit gray, but Justin found it sexy. But come to think of it, Justin had never found anything about Brian that wasn't sexy. Well, maybe his stubbornness was sometimes hard to deal with, but then again, it was something that made Brian Brian. And Justin loved everything about him. He loved Brian for who he was.



Justin could see that Brian was really struggling to understand what was happening. There was confusion, shock, and fear even, but behind it all Justin could see a look he knew all too well, a look Brian always had when he was with him. The look that belonged only to Justin. They seemed so lost in one another, both searching for words or at least the courage to get closer to each other. But that seemed almost impossible. It was almost as if they were afraid the other would disappear if they moved. But they also didn't know what to say. Because how do you talk to someone you haven't seen in twenty years but once loved so much you couldn't imagine life without them?



But Justin knew they couldn't be like this forever, one of them had to do something no matter how scary it seemed. So he finally took a deep breath and took the necessary steps towards him. His heart beating faster than he thought was humanly possible. But when he was finally standing mere inches away from him, he was filled with such joy that it gave him the courage to do the necessary.



"Hi," he said in a shaky voice, his lips stretching into a wide nervous smile. There were no words to describe how he felt right now. But at the same time, he felt absolutely everything. He felt like the seventeen year old boy who had fallen head over heels in love with him.



But to Justin's surprise, Brian stayed quiet, it was obvious he didn't know what to say, his brain was still trying to process what was going on and Justin couldn't help but smile even more at the sight of how confused Brian looked. He'd probably never seen him like this before. It was cute and funny.



Shocked Brian Kinney, that's a first, he chuckled inwardly.



And as it turned out, that smile was just what Brian needed to finally start breathing again.



"Justin," he breathed out quietly, his eyes almost glassy. "God, it's really you. I thought I was dreaming, but... then I saw you standing here and... I mean, how is this even possible?" He studied his face carefully, it almost looked like he wanted to reach out and touch it.



"Trust me, I'm asking myself the same question." Justin let out a chuckle, hoping to lighten the situation. "But it's really good to see you, Brian."



Brian took a deep breath and gave Justin a look that made him feel butterflies. "The feeling is mutual, Sunshine," he said as his lips curved into a smile.



Sunshine. Justin hadn't heard that nickname in so long he'd almost forgotten it. It was Debbie who had started it, but hearing Brian say it always made him feel special.



"I can't believe you still remember that nickname," he laughed a little.



"Of course I do. I could never forget."



That honestly sent shivers down Justin's spine. He loved that Brian remembered such a small detail. After all, there were moments when he wondered if he even remembered him at all. He had no doubt that Brian had loved him when they were together, but twenty years was a long time to move on and forget.



But he obviously didn't have to worry about that.



"What are you even doing here?" Justin wondered unable to take his eyes off him.



"I'm here on a business trip. I'm staying at a hotel not too far from here."



"Oh. Still working your ass off?" Justin chuckled.



"You know me well." Brian huffed a laugh.



But it made Justin's smile fade. Because the truth was, he didn't know him anymore. He looked like Brian. He sounded like Brian. He smelled like Brian. But he wasn't the Brian from twenty years ago. And maybe that was a good thing. Because that Brian broke his heart.



But Justin didn't know what to say, so he said the first thing that came to his mind. "God, it's really cold." He breathed hot air on his hands and rubbed them together.



"Yeah." Brian nodded. "I was just about to get some coffee," he paused, looking almost nervous, before finally asking. "You wanna join me?" his lips rolled in as he smiled. "Or were you heading somewhere?"



Justin felt his heart skip a beat. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea to give the nod, he knew how dangerous it was to be around Brian, it just sucks you in and doesn't let go. But at the same time, he couldn't imagine just walking away and not even looking back. He needed to get to know this Brian. He needed to know what he'd missed out on in those twenty years. Even if it would break his heart all over again.



So he gave him the only answer he could. "No place special."



Brian let out a laugh, his eyes shining. "I'm glad I can change that."



Justin smiled, and though he knew he was risking reopening old wounds, he wasn't going to let that stop him.

Justin had never been more nervous in his life, in fact, if his heart had pounded just a little harder it would have ripped his chest open. Yet he couldn't stop looking at the man who had changed his entire world when he approached him under the streetlamp. Brian made his life so much richer, more adventurous, more vibrant and exciting. He gave him confidence and taught him how to go after his dreams and never apologize for what he wanted. He showed him a life he never thought he could possibly have, or even dream of. Their love was pure, passionate, unconditional, and at times, even terrifying. And they were bonded in a way that could not be explained. He still felt it, even after all these years. It truly was consuming to be around Brian. Sometimes it even blinded him when things got tough and he chose to ignore it because he was afraid he might lose him. Yeah, not everything was perfect when they were together, more than once he'd questioned whether it was even worth it, but in the end all the fights and tears and breakups were what made them stronger. The simple truth was that Justin's life was undoubtedly better when Brian was in it.



And he really wished their fairy tale had lasted longer. He wished they'd never been separated. He wished they had forever.



But all he had was not knowing what the man he once loved so much had even been doing for the last twenty years. Was he happy? Did he have everything he wanted in life? And most of all, did he miss him too?



Justin was ready to get all the answers no matter how terrifying it was.



But first he needed to let all those feelings soak in and start breathing again. Though that seemed almost impossible.



Get your shit together, he encouraged himself mentally.



He let Brian lead him to a nearby coffee shop, thankfully not the one where he had been reflecting on his sad life half an hour ago. This one, according to Brian, was supposed to be the place that made the best coffee in New York. It made him wonder how many times Brian must have visited New York if he knew where to get the best coffee. And why hadn't they run into each other before? Well, sure, it was a big city. But what probably bothered Justin more was that Brian knew he lived here and he hadn't even tried to contact him. Was he scared, or did he just not want to?


Once they were at the coffee shop, Brian opened the door for him. He wondered if he did it because he was such a gentleman or because he wanted to get a look at his ass. It made him smile. And suddenly he felt so much more at ease. He remembered how much Brian loved his ass and was more than willing to let him admire it.



"What is it?" Brian wondered when he saw his smile.



"Nothing," Justin replied, his lips rolled in. "Where do we sit?" He rather changed the subject.



"Uhhh," Brian looked around. "How about over there by the window?"



"Sure, I like that spot." Justin agreed.



"Great." Brian gave him a smile that honestly made Justin's heart skip a beat. "Go sit down and I'm gonna go order for us. What should I get you?"



"Um, I think I'll have a pumpkin spice latte with almond milk."



"Oh, wow, that's an... interesting choice." Brian laughed out loud. "I don't think I've ever had one of those."



"You'd be surprised how good it is."



"Yeah, um, I think I'll stick with my choice of coffee." He let out a chuckle, making Justin frown jokingly. "I'll be right back."



"Okay."



Justin went to sit at the table, not taking his eyes off Brian. He looked... he looked... God, he looked amazing. He was still the same attractive man Justin remembered. Yet there was something different about him. Sure, he was older, more mature. And he was obviously still sweating his ass off at the gym. But there was just something, and Justin couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. Or maybe it was the fact that he hadn't seen him in twenty years and was now seeing him from a completely different perspective. But whatever it was, he was still very much attracted to him. Which honestly didn't even surprise him.



And as Justin looked around, he could see that he wasn't the only one attracted to Brian. Gay, straight, married, old, it didn't matter because wherever Brian entered, he was always the center. And Justin used to be the center of his universe. It still hurt him to think of the life they might have had together if he hadn't left for New York.



"Whether we see each other next week, next month, never again, it doesn't matter. It's only time." Those were the words Brian said to him. Justin remembered it so clearly, so vividly. He still remembered everything from that night, almost as if it had happened yesterday. Every little detail was stuck in his head, even twenty years later. He remembered lying under Brian's hot body after their last lovemaking, forcing himself to leave for the airport, not knowing it was the last time he'd see him. If he'd known, he never would have walked out that door. He would never even consider leaving.



But he did leave, naively thinking that nothing would change between them. If anything, he thought he'd be back soon to marry him. But that never happened, because Brian made a decision for both of them. And even though he was supposed to hate him right now for everything he had put him through when he made that decision, looking at him he felt anything but hate. He felt fucking butterflies.



Brian suddenly turned his head and looked in his direction, catching him staring at him with basically drool running down his chin. Justin instinctively lowered his gaze and pretended not to stare at all, but he could see Brian's lips curl into a soft smile. It made him blush and he didn't dare look back up until Brian came back with their order.



"Here's your, uh, whatever it is." Brian let out a laugh and placed Justin's latte on the table in front of him.



"Thank you." Justin smiled. "How much do I owe you?" It was probably a pathetic question, but he had to ask.



And of course Brian raised his eyebrows in amusement. "Not a single penny, it's on me," he said simply, sitting down across from Justin.



"Thank you," he said again, taking a sip of his latte, which he immediately regretted because it was hotter than he expected. "Shit."



"Careful, it's hot." Brian teased him with a laugh.



Justin frowned at him again, but of course he couldn't help but laugh too. And it immediately reminded him of how playful and silly they used to be together, how much they laughed and enjoyed each other's company. But his laughter was soon replaced with a sad smile at the realization of how much he had lost. And he hated to feel that way, god it had been twenty years, he should have moved on by now, but the truth was it still hurt.



You know that saying that time heals all wounds? Well, clearly it doesn't.



"You still paint, I see." Brian filled the sudden silence.



Justin was slightly confused, so Brian nodded toward the bag full of art supplies that was hanging on Justin's chair.



"Oh," Justin sucked in a nervous breath. "No, not really, to be honest. I actually haven't painted in a while."



Justin could see the slight change in Brian's expression. It was obvious he wasn't happy to hear that. After all, the reason their paths had parted back then was because Justin wanted to follow his artistic dream and Brian didn't want to stand in his way. He wanted him to achieve everything he'd ever wanted, and he knew how much painting meant to him and the passion he was driven with. So hearing that he was no longer painting must not have been easy for him.



"So what's up with the bag?" he wondered.



"Uh," Justin cleared his throat. "Well, when I woke up this morning and looked out the window, the view I saw was just mesmerizing and all I could think about was how much I wanted to paint it," he explained. "I haven't felt like that in a really long time and it was nice to feel that excitement again, you know?"



"Yeah, I bet it was," Brian smiled. "And I guess I should be grateful for that, because otherwise we probably wouldn't have run into each other... and I'm really glad we did," he let out a shaky breath. "Because it really is great to see you, Justin."



Justin felt the butterflies in his stomach move. It was so fucking good to hear him say it.



But suddenly his stomach fluttered again and the world around him seemed to freeze in place as a memory flashed through his mind.



"For God's sake, why don't you just pick up the damn phone? Is this it? Are you really gonna give up on us that easily? Fuck you, Brian, fuck you for what you're doing right now!"



He really didn't want to revisit the most painful moments of his life, although it clearly couldn't be avoided, but he really hoped it wouldn't happen this soon. He hoped he'd be home, lying in his bed, with lots of ice cream and a box of tissues, not here, not now... not in front of Brian.



But what happened next took him by surprise and brought him right back to reality. Brian's hand landed right on top of his and squeezed it lightly, and a wave of emotions immediately rushed through Justin's body.



"Are you okay?" Brian asked softly.



But Justin couldn't bring himself to answer, all he could think about was how warm and soft Brian's skin was. He could list a million things he missed, but Brian's touch was what he missed the most. And this one touch was so electrifying he could barely breathe.



So as much as he hated to do it, he pulled his hand away. It was the only way to start thinking straight again.



Brian licked his lips nervously and leaned back in his chair. And then there was just silence. But it was obvious that Brian's mind was racing, and he wanted to say something, but the situation was already weird enough that Justin simply didn't want to give him the opportunity to say it. And he honestly wasn't even ready to hear it... whatever it was.



"Yeah, I'm fine, sorry," he said quickly, giving him a smile. "So... how have you been for the last twenty years?" He asked with a chuckle, but soon realized that the question wasn't as smiley and simple as it might have seemed.



It was fucking terrifying.

-

Brian suddenly seemed so lost in his thoughts. It was like he didn't even know what to say to Justin. Was there something he was afraid to tell him? Or maybe even something he didn't want him to know? Well, there was obviously something Justin had been dying to know from the moment he realized that the man in front of him was indeed Brian. The back of his throat itched from how much he wanted to ask. He had already checked his left hand several times to make sure there was no ring there. Sure, the likelihood of Brian being married was really, really small, but not impossible. After all, twenty years was a really long time to have a change of heart and want things that were previously unthinkable. So even though he didn't see any ring, it didn't mean that there wasn't someone important in Brian's life. Of course it was none of Justin's business, he was well aware of that, but he really wanted to know. No, he needed to know. He needed to know so fucking bad. Because the not knowing was driving him insane.



But he did resist the urge to ask. Not only did he not want to sound like the crazy ex who still wasn't over him, but he also knew that Brian had the right to tell him on his own terms.



"Uh, that's... that's a really big question," Brian said finally with a chuckle, taking a sip of his coffee. "What would you like to know?"



"Everything." Justin laughed softly. "I want to know everything. How you've been. What you've been doing. How's Pittsburgh? God, how's everyone?" he smiled excitedly.



He wanted to hear every little detail of the lives of the people who used to be (and in a way still were) his family, but Brian was suspiciously quiet, which didn't exactly make Justin feel good, quite the opposite. "Um, they're fine," was all Brian said and didn't elaborate further, then scratched the back of his neck and took a deep, almost nervous breath. "But I don't actually live in Pittsburgh anymore."



Justin was quite surprised and, in a way, taken aback. Not because Brian had moved away, he knew how much he talked about wanting to leave Pittsburgh, even though he loved it there more than he was willing to admit. But what made him feel uncomfortable was that it almost sounded like Brian wasn't in touch with anyone. And Justin didn't like that. Sure, it sounded ironic coming from him considering he hadn't stayed in touch with them either, but he had only known them briefly compared to Brian, whose family they had been long before Justin had entered his life. So the idea of Brian not talking to them was unimaginable to Justin. But he knew how unpredictable life could be.



"Oh, and where do you live now?" Justin decided to start with the easier question.



"LA. I moved there almost seven, no, eight years ago. Fuck, time really flies." Brian chuckled to himself.



"Wow, that's certainly a change."



"Yeah. I always wanted to get out of Pittsburgh, which I'm sure you remember." Justin nodded in response. "So when the opportunity to expand Kinnetik to LA presented itself, I didn't hesitate. At first I just wanted to oversee things and make sure everything went smoothly, but... I kind of fell in love with the place and before I knew it, I was living there."



"Well, LA is a pretty magical place, so I don't blame you." Justin gave him a smile. "And Kinnetik seems to be doing really well."



"Yeah, you could say that," Brian smiled, obviously proud. "I've actually opened several branches besides the one in LA. We've been pretty successful in Chicago, Houston, Phoenix, Portland... even London."



"Damn. So you've been really busy, huh?"



"You have no idea." Brian let out a chuckle. "I barely get any sleep, but... it's worth it."



"Yeah, I bet it is." Justin smiled. "And I'm really happy for you."



"Thanks, Justin."



"But if you're in LA..." Justin furrowed his brows. "Who's running Kinnetik in Pittsburgh?" he wondered.



"Who do you think?" Brian gave him an amused look.



"Ted?" Justin exclaimed in surprise. "You put him in charge?"



"I sure as hell did," Brian nodded. "And it turned out to be one of the best decisions I've ever made. He's really great at what he does."



"So you're in touch?" Justin was hopeful.



"Well, we kind of have to be."



"I mean, outside of work." Justin explained.



"Yeah, we've actually become pretty close. One day we just realized the other one wasn't so bad," Brian let out laugh. "He even asked me to be his best man when he married Blake, would you believe that?"



"No way! They got married?"



"Oh yes. Once same-sex marriage was legalized in Pennsylvania, they wasted no time. And it was a really nice wedding with lots of tears and booze. You should have been there, you would have loved it," Brian smiled and rolled his lips in.



Justin was speechless for a moment. Never in a million years did he think he'd ever hear Brian Kinney say wedding and nice in the same sentence. But here they were. One more reason to think it wasn't so impossible for Brian to be in a relationship. But no, Justin wasn't going to ask.



"So he's doing well?"



"He's doing great. They have a house, an annoying cat, and well, two kids who proudly call me Uncle Bri."



"What, they have kids?" Justin couldn't believe his own ears.



"Mm-hm. A son, Lucas, who's ten, and a daughter, Josie, who recently turned thirteen."



Justin felt kind of bittersweet, on one hand he was really happy for Ted and Blake, they'd gotten the happy ending they so badly deserved, but it made him sad that he wasn't there to witness it. And it definitely made him wonder what else he'd missed.



"God, that's just so... wonderful."



"Yeah, I know. He's come a long way. Sometimes I even forget I used to call him loser Theodore."



Justin laughed out loud. "And he used to call you an asshole, if I remember correctly."



"Oh, he still does that." Brian laughed as well.



Justin was smiling so wide his mouth hurt. He honestly couldn't even remember the last time he had reason to smile like that. But it was just so easy with Brian, it just didn't matter how much time had passed or what had happened in the past, this man always brought a smile to his lips.



"What?" he asked a little nervously, noticing the way Brian was looking at him. "Something on my face?" he chuckled.



"No, I just... I missed that smile," Brian let out a breath, looking into Justin's eyes.



Justin could immediately feel himself blushing, even his heart sped up. Brian really didn't have to do much to make his knees buckle. But Justin couldn't allow himself to lose himself in Brian again. The first time it only took a couple of minutes, one look into Brian's eyes and he was screwed. But this time he knew better. He knew how much pain it had caused him. Don't get him wrong, being with Brian was the most beautiful thing he'd ever experienced, but losing him was also the most painful thing he'd ever gone through. But Justin was getting too far ahead of himself, just because they were sitting here together, drinking coffee and talking, it didn't mean that their lives would be intertwined again. He was sure that the moment they left this coffee shop, their paths would part again. But he definitely wanted to make the most of the time he had left with Brian.



"Um, so, how... how's Michael?" he asked just to change the subject, but he was honestly curious how Brian's best friend was doing.



But Brian's face suddenly froze. He even turned a little pale. And Justin immediately felt an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach and knew that what he was about to hear was not going to be good. But it had been twenty years, anything could happen. Even the worst things. And he was ready to hear it, even if it scared the absolute shit out of him.



"Uh," Brian cleared his throat and shifted in his seat, making Justin nervous as hell. "God, I honestly don't even know how to tell you this, but... Debbie died six years ago. And Ben two years after that. He stopped responding to treatment, and eventually it got so bad that he had to be hospitalized... and even though they tried really hard to fight it, he just wasn't strong enough. And Mikey then moved to be closer to Hunter and J.R., he just couldn't stay there. Last I heard from him was over a year ago. I guess he needed to cut ties with his old life. And I really can't blame him."



Justin felt his heart sink. He thought he was ready to hear anything, but this... this was heartbreaking. He loved Debbie, and even though it had been so long since he'd last seen her, he still missed her and thought about her, so the thought of never having the chance to see her again was painful. The same was true for Ben. He might not be in touch with them anymore, but they had once been his family and the fact that they were gone really crushed him. He couldn't even begin to imagine how devastated Michael must have been.



"God, I am so sorry to hear that, Brian. I know how much Debbie meant to you."



"Yeah." Brian nodded with pain written all over his face. "As much as your mother meant to you." Justin's heart squeezed again at those words. "Um, I... I heard what happened, and I am very sorry too, Justin. She was an amazing woman."



Justin swallowed and looked out the window, trying to hold back tears. It had been almost nine years since his mother's death, but the pain was still there. And hearing about Debbie and Ben only brought back memories of how hard it had been to lose her. He still remembered the phone call from his sister, telling him that their mother had been killed by a drunk driver. He broke down in tears and didn't leave his apartment for a week. It probably would have been longer if Daphne hadn't shown up at his door and helped him get through the worst of it. But the truth was, deep down, he hoped it would be Brian who would help him get through it. But that never happened. And for years, he had convinced himself that Brian didn't know, but finding out that he did and never reached out to him was really painful for Justin. But he wasn't going to hold it against him, because in a way, he understood.



"Thanks," he smiled sadly at him. "God, I need something sweet after this," he said as he stood up.



But Brian was immediately on his feet as well. "I'll get it for you. What would you like?"



"Uh, something chocolate?"



"You got it," he smiled and went to order for him.



Justin sat back down and let out a deep breath. He still couldn't believe what he had just heard. It was like a bad dream... the difference was that this wasn't something he could wake up from. Debbie and Ben were gone, and so was his mom. He'd never see them again, and he'd have to live with that for the rest of his life.



But he got a chance to see Brian again, and as he looked at him, he couldn't bear the thought of having to say goodbye to him again. Because as crazy as it sounded, the truth was that even though Brian had broken his heart, Justin still loved him with all the little pieces.



But as a smile slowly found its way to his lips, Brian's phone suddenly chimed on the table. And though Justin hadn't intended to look at the phone, he just saw it. It was a text from someone named James, asking if the dinner next week was on. Justin immediately wondered who this James was, but reading the rest of the message was what made his head spin. It said, 'Me and the kids can't wait to see you.'

Justin leaned back so fast that even the chair squeaked. He quickly looked to see if it had gotten Brian's attention, but he was luckily too busy getting Justin's order. Which, now that Justin thought about it, was really sweet of him, but that was beside the point. Justin was absolutely stunned and really struggled to comprehend what he had just read. 'Me and the kids can't wait to see you.' Did it mean what he thought it meant? Did Brian have a family? Was James the man who had captured his heart? Had Brian actually found happiness with someone else?



God, Justin could actually feel his palms sweating despite the fact that it was freezing outside. But he was panicking, that was for sure. He had no fucking idea what to think and he certainly didn't want to jump to any conclusions, but... he just couldn't ignore the thoughts that immediately ran through his blonde head. Because again, it wasn't impossible. It had been nearly twenty years, and a lot could change. Well, Justin could already tell that Brian had changed. Maybe the old Brian was still somewhere underneath the surface, but this Brian felt so much different. So the idea that he could have a partner and kids didn't sound so crazy.



Well, yeah, it did sound crazy, because the Brian Justin remembered and knew didn't even believe in love, he only believed in fucking. He didn't do boyfriends, he didn't do relationships. And he certainly wasn't interested in being a family man. That was all for straight people, as he liked to say. He would rather be dead than live the stereotypical life of a boring hetero man. That's how much it grossed him out. He wanted to be free to do whatever the fuck he wanted with no strings attached. No excuses. No apologies. No regrets.



Or at least that was until he met Justin. Because Justin was the only one he wanted to change for, the only one he loved and wanted to marry and have a future with. Well, at least until it all went to hell. But Justin knew their relationship would always be unconventional. They would never have children, a house with a white picket fence, or even regular romantic candlelit dinners. And he was okay with that. Because he loved Brian just the way he was. Of course, deep down he longed to have a family with him, but it wasn't something he prioritized. He just wanted to be with him. But at the time, he didn't think Brian would ever change. In fact, he didn't even want him to. It actually scared him when Brian started to change before their wedding because he didn't recognize the man in front of him.



But like he already said, that Brian existed twenty years ago. This Brian? This Brian lived in a completely different city, attended weddings and seemed to enjoy them, considered Ted, the guy he used to talk shit about, a close friend, and hadn't even glanced at another man's ass the entire time they'd been sitting here together, for Christ's sake. So yes, this Brian could potentially have a partner and kids.



Or maybe he got it all wrong, maybe this James wasn't who he thought he was. Maybe he was just a friend or someone from work. Maybe Justin was freaking out over nothing. Maybe, maybe, fucking maybe.



"I wasn't sure what to get you, so I got a chocolate brownie," Brian said suddenly right next to Justin, surprising him. "I know you used to love it, so hopefully that hasn't changed," his lips curled into a smile as he waited for a response. "Or did it?" He asked when Justin didn't say anything.



"No." Justin shook his head quickly. "I still love brownies. So thank you."



"Sure," Brian smiled and finally sat back in his seat. "I got one for myself, too."



"I see you and sugar have become friends."



"Yeah, he's not too bad." Brian shrugged with a laugh. "I'll just hit the gym later."



"'Course," Justin giggled and took a bite of his brownie. It was fucking delicious. "God, it's so good," he said with his mouth full.



"Yeah?" Brian raised his eyebrows and took a bite as well. "Damn."



"Right?"



"That's fucking amazing," Brian licked his lips and took another bite.



They both basically attacked the brownie, but as they looked at each other with their mouths covered in chocolate, they immediately burst out laughing uncontrollably. They knew they looked silly and were probably loud, but they didn't care. It just felt so nice to enjoy the moment and each other's company. Like nothing in the world mattered. They used to feel like this all the time. Whenever they were together it was like everything around them disappeared because they were just completely lost in each other. Just like now.



But that's exactly what made Justin snap back to reality. He didn't want to act like everything was okay. Because nothing was okay. Sure, they could pretend it was, but Justin felt in his heart that no matter how hard they tried to ignore the past, it was going to bite them in their asses no matter what.



But right now, he just needed to know who this James was.



"Um, someone texted you when you weren't here," he said in the most casual way.



"Really?" Brian picked up the phone and used his fingerprint to unlock it. He then looked at the screen and typed something. It seemed like a short reply, but at that moment Justin wished he was a fly so he could take a look. "Sorry." Brian apologized for being distracted and put the phone back on the table.



"No need to apologize." Justin smiled and bit his lip. "Was it something important?" He tried not to sound too nosy.



"Uh, I just needed to confirm something." He said simply, taking a sip of his coffee.



That certainly wasn't the answer Justin was hoping for. He was aware that it probably would have been easier to get straight to the point and ask who James was, but that would only make him sound desperate. Not to mention that the message wasn't meant for his eyes and he didn't feel like explaining how it was possible that he had read it. Sure, it was kind of an accident, but ultimately Justin could have just chosen not to read it when it popped up on the screen, but he didn't because he was fucking curious.



So he just had to hope that they would eventually get to the topic without him pushing too hard.



"So," he cleared his throat and smiled. "What else is new?"



Brian met his eyes, swallowed the piece of brownie he was chewing, and wiped his mouth with a napkin. Then he let out what sounded like a nervous chuckle. Justin didn't like that. He'd already gotten the worst possible news from him about Debbie and Ben, so he definitely wasn't prepared for more bad news. His heart was pounding like crazy as he waited for Brian to get the words out, but what he said next, Justin hadn't expected in the slightest. "Um, well, actually... I have... I have a son," he breathed, almost as if relieved that he'd finally said it out loud, followed by a nervous smile.



Justin just stared at him with his mouth slightly open as he quietly processed the information. Not that it shocked him, I mean he clearly hadn't expected Brian to share this information so soon, though on the other hand why wouldn't he, after all it was a pretty big change in Brian's life that deserved to be shared. But the reason it surprised him was because Brian had said he had a son, but the message had said ''kids''. Meaning plural. So what was Justin missing?



"S-son?" Justin practically stuttered.



"Yeah." Brian pressed his lips together, obviously waiting to see if Justin would say anything else.



"Just one?" The blond chuckled awkwardly.



Brian huffed a laugh in response. "Yeah, just one, well, besides Gus of course."



"Wow," he breathed. "That's amazing. How... how old is he?"



"Um, well," Brian sucked in a nervous breath and cleared his throat. A hesitant look appeared on his face for some reason. "He's 30, almost 31."



Justin blinked a few times, his brows furrowed. He was confused as fuck. "Sorry?"



"Yeah, I had a similar look on my face when I found out about him."



"When you found out about him?" He said, more to himself. "I'm sorry, Brian, but somehow I don't understand what you're saying."



Brian pressed his tongue against his cheek and took a deep breath. "Um, so, I guess you remember that I kind of dated Lindsay in college, right?"



"Yeah..." Justin gave him a confused nod, though he wasn't sure where he was going with this, but he waited patiently for an explanation.



"Well, let's just say she wasn't the only woman I had sex with during my college days. Believe it or not, I was also internally struggling with my own sexuality, thinking that if I had sex with enough women, I would somehow miraculously become straight - nothing I was proud of or bragged about - but of course that didn't happen. But it turned out that one of the girls I slept with got pregnant right before we graduated. But she thought I was just an asshole, which frankly I was, and didn't tell me about it."



Now Justin was in shock. He was in absolute shock. Brian had a son. He'd had a son the entire time the two of them had been together. And he didn't know it. How the hell was Justin supposed to react to that? "I... I don't know what to say."



"Yeah, I don't blame you. When I found out, I didn't want to believe it myself. Even when I saw the obvious resemblance, not just with me, but with Gus, I refused to believe it. Even when I received the DNA test results, I was sure it must be a mistake. I just wasn't ready to be a father to a freaking teenager, let alone take care of him."



"Wait, what?" Justin's eyes widened.



"Yeah, well, that's another part of the story." Brian trailed off and stared into space for a moment. "I found out about him when he was sixteen. Emily, his mother, just showed up in my office one day and told me I had a son. I honestly didn't even remember her and thought she was crazy. Then my memory was refreshed, but I was sure it was impossible. I've always been careful, never without a condom, right? Well, obviously our condom didn't work the way it was supposed to," he chuckled to himself as Justin listened intently. "But what I didn't understand was 'why now?' She had 16 years to tell me about him, so what changed?"



Justin arched his eyebrows, eagerly waiting for Brian to continue.



"Well, at first I was sure she just wanted money, and I was honestly ready to write her a very fat check just to get rid of her. I wasn't thinking, I was in complete shock, and just the idea that he might actually be mine scared the hell out of me. But as it turned out, that wasn't why she came to me." Brian paused and looked out the window, then took a deep breath. "And what she told me next completely shook me... she revealed that she had breast cancer and that it had metastasized to her lungs, liver and brain. The doctors told her she only had a few months left. And she had no one. Her parents were dead. So she found me, and, well, I guess you know where I'm going with this."



"Fuck." Justin let out a shaky breath. It was the only reaction he was capable of at that moment. He could feel his heart beating out of his chest. "That's... that's... Jesus Christ, that's just crazy."



"I know, believe me. My whole world was turned upside down that day. I found out I had a sixteen-year-old son I had no idea existed, his mother was dying of cancer, and it was my job to take care of him. You can imagine the denial I was in. Not only that, I was convinced that the boy would be better off with literally anyone but me."



Justin sighed, hating that Brian doubted himself so much, knowing what an amazing father he was to Gus. "So what happened next?"



"Uh, she left. Well, she gave me her number and a photo of him and then she left. And I just sat in my office for hours staring at the damn photo, trying to figure out how it was even possible," he chuckled. "I was terrified. I didn't know what to do. But I couldn't just ignore it and pretend it wasn't happening. And if there was a chance he was really my son, I wanted to get to know him. So I called her the next day and she sent me her address... I almost ran away when I was standing at her door, but then she opened it and there he was... just staring at me, absolutely terrified."



"God, I can only imagine how scary it must have been."



"Yeah," Brian nodded. "But what was even scarier was to see how much his eyes looked like mine. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't even speak. We just sat there, looking at each other." Brian rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Anyway, about a week later I took a DNA test and waiting for the results was probably the hardest and longest wait of my life. I kept telling myself he couldn't be mine, I even kind of prayed for it because I simply wasn't ready for any of it, but it turned out he was indeed my son." A slight smile appeared on his lips. "So we started getting to know each other and let me tell you, it wasn't easy," he let out a chuckle.



"Did he give you a hard time?" Justin laughed a little.



"You have no idea," Brian scoffed amusedly. "But I couldn't blame him, I was a complete stranger to him and I was probably acting crazy because I had no idea what I was doing, plus he was a teenager who hated everything in the world and his mom was dying... but slowly he started to tolerate me and we got closer and closer, and not just with him, but with Emily, and I tried to help her as much as I could, taking her to her doctors appointments, buying groceries, making her laugh and as comfortable as possible."



Justin smiled, not at all surprised, knowing Brian's big heart was the reason he loved him so madly. Brian could pretend all he wanted that he didn't care, but his actions always spoke loudly.



"And when she started to get worse, I took her to the hospital, I was there day and night, reassuring her that I would take care of our son..." Brian swallowed and closed his eyes for a moment. "She died peacefully in her sleep... and even though I only knew her briefly, it was devastating. The three months I spent with her showed me what an amazing mother and person she was."



Justin felt a lump in his throat and his heart clenched at the sight of the pain in Brian's face. How he wished he had been there for him then and helped him get through such a difficult time.



"God, Brian, I'm so sorry you had to go through this." Justin squeezed his hand in comfort. "It must have been really hard."



"Yeah, it was." Brian nodded with a sigh. "Especially for James."



"J-James?" Justin was surprised to hear that name.



"Yeah, that's his name."



"Oh." Justin rolled his lips in nervously. He hadn't seen that coming, but suddenly it all made sense. "That's a really nice name."



"Mhm, yeah. Anyway... he's now married with three kids. Two girls and a boy."



Justin's jaw immediately dropped, but as he absorbed the information, his lips stretched into an uncontrollable smile. "Wait, does that mean...?"



"Don't even say it," Brian warned.



"What, grandpa?" Justin giggled.



“God, you're still so annoying,” Brian rolled his eyes, yet he couldn't help but smile. "But yeah, I guess I'm a grandfather. What I once feared has become a reality, but as it turns out, it's one of the best things in my life," he smiled broadly.



"God." Justin breathed. "You've changed so much."



"Yeah, I've gotten old."



"Oh, shut up," Justin laughed. "You still look hot, so..." Justin surprised himself by saying that and immediately blushed. "Well, I mean..."



Brian grinned and looked very happy to hear that. "What, you think I'm a hot grandpa?" He smacked his lips.



"Stop it." Justin blushed even more, but he couldn't help but laugh.



Brian pretended to lock his mouth, but was clearly enjoying the moment. "Well, it's really good to know that I'm still sexy at my age," he bit his lip playfully. "And you look amazing too, Justin. Which is to be expected," he suddenly looked almost nervous and shy, but kept looking into Justin's eyes.



Justin immediately swallowed and felt his heart skip a beat. What this man was still doing to him after all these years was just absolutely insane. He was not able to think straight. So he did the only thing he could think of at that moment - he excused himself and quickly went to the restroom to try and pull himself together.



But he already knew he was fucked. Brian Kinney was once again slowly getting under his skin.

Justin took several shaky breaths as he stared at himself in the mirror, wondering how the hell it was even possible that Brian still had so much power over him after all these years. All he had to do was give him a compliment, and Justin was basically having a panic attack. Which made him feel so incredibly stupid. Yes, he did love Brian more than he ever thought it was possible to love another human being. And yes, it was absolutely magnificent, and if he could do it all over again, he would do it in a heartbeat. And yes, he still carried a lot of love for Brian in his fragile heart that reminded him now more than ever of what he had once had and lost. And God, how much he missed it. How much he wished he could just travel back in time and change the past.



But what was done was done. There was no going back. And the simple truth was that Brian had broken him. He had broken him into tiny little pieces. And Justin had worked really hard to let him go, and it had taken him years to put himself back together. But even then, not a day went by when he didn't at least think of Brian. But eventually he made peace with the fact that Brian was just a memory, a past that he didn't want to revisit (even though he had done it many times in his dreams), but right now he was being sucked right back in. And it scared him. It scared him like nothing else. Brian may have changed, but Justin still remembered the pain he'd caused him, and as much as he tried to move past it, he just couldn't. And he certainly couldn't risk the possibility of Brian hurting him again. He would not survive that. And the only way he could do that was to not let Brian anywhere near his heart. He simply couldn't afford to be vulnerable around him. No matter how tempting it was. He needed to protect himself, his feelings and his heart. And it was Brian who showed him exactly how to do that.



"Sorry it took me so long." Justin returned to their table, feeling more calm and collected.



"It's okay. I guess finding out I have a thirty-year-old son and grandkids probably threw you off a little bit," Brian said jokingly, his lips curling into a smile.



"Um, yeah, though not as much as it probably should have, to be honest." Justin chuckled softly. "But it is surprising. I never even pictured you as a granddad. You'd probably murder me if I even mentioned it."



"Yeah," Brian breathed a chuckle. "I remember Lindsay mentioning that idea once, and I almost threw up."



"Oh, I can imagine," Justin laughed. "And look at you now."



"Mmm." Brian nodded. "Three grandkids and a fourth on the way - fucking unbelievable," he smiled nervously and rolled his lips into his mouth, waiting for Justin's reaction.



"Wait, what did you just say?" Justin stared at him, his eyes wide. "I'm not sure I heard correctly."



"You did," Brian said. "I guess I forgot to mention that Gus is going to be a daddy soon. His fiancée is six months pregnant."



"Are you fucking kidding me right now?" Justin exclaimed, his face lighting up with excitement. "He's engaged and has a baby on the way? He was five the last time I saw him, for God's sake!"



As soon as Justin said that, his smile disappeared and his heart clenched at the thought. He couldn't even believe that the cute little boy was now a grown man. He felt like it was just yesterday that he was running down that hospital hallway with Brian and Michael, laughing and feeling so damn happy. He could still vividly see the look on Brian's face as he held his son for the first time. And he was the one who'd named him Gus, probably saving him from a lot of misery in school if they ended up naming him Abraham. And now he was about to be a dad and a husband, and Justin really hated the fact that he didn't get to see him grow up.



"I know." Brian sighed, clearly hating it too. "But you'd be really proud of him. He, um, he actually went to art school," he pressed his lips together and smiled.



"He did?" Justin breathed, not expecting to hear that at all.



"Mm-hm. He studied graphic design and let me tell you, he's really, really good."



"God." Justin grinned from ear to ear. "Lindsay must be thrilled."



"Oh, she is. But she's not actually the reason he's passionate about art..." Justin shook his head slightly, not following what Brian was saying. "You're kind of the one who ignited that spark in him."



Justin snorted a chuckle. "No way. I doubt he even remembers me."



"Of course he remembers you. It's not easy to forget you, Justin." Brian said softly, a slight smile forming on his lips.



Justin's breathing stopped - fucking again. There were simply no words to describe how good it felt to hear Brian say that. But Justin quickly reminded himself that he couldn't let that affect him. He had to be strong for his own good.



"Still," he cleared his throat. "I'm pretty sure I'm not the reason he's interested in art."



"I beg to differ. Not only did he keep all the drawings you two did together, but he constantly talked about wanting to be famous like you."



Justin scoffed. "I'm not famous."



"I don't know, Sunshine, but I've read more than once about the gifted artist from Pittsburgh, so I'm gonna have to disagree with you."



Justin let out a deep breath and chewed on his lip nervously. "That was a long time ago. I told you, I don't paint anymore."



"I know, which I think is a great shame because you really are gifted." Justin didn't say anything in response, just sat there quietly. "What made you stop?"



The blond looked up. "Huh?"



"Why did you stop painting? You loved it."



Justin shrugged, looking down at his hands. He really didn't want to talk about it. "I don't know, I just had my reasons."



"Guess that's all you're going to tell me?" Brian raised an eyebrow, but Justin didn't even look at him. "Well, then I really hope you find that passion again. Maybe once you paint that view from your window, you won't be able to stop," Brian smiled hopefully.



"Yeah, maybe," Justin said simply. "But I'm very happy for Gus," he smiled. "And, uh, how... how are Lindsay and Mel? Are they still together?"



Brian cleared his throat and pressed his tongue to his cheek. Justin already knew that wasn't a good sign. "No, actually, they're not. They divorced ten years ago. They just realized they weren't as happy as they thought they were and decided to break things off."



"Shit." Justin sighed. "I really thought they were going to be together for the rest of their lives."



"Yeah, so did I," Brian admitted. "But Lindsay's dating a guy now, so..."



Justin literally choked on his own saliva. "You're kidding, right?"



"Nope," Brian shook his head. "Turns out she's bi. I mean, I always kind of suspected it, especially after her affair with Sam Auerbach, but when she finally came out, I had to process it for a while." Brian chuckled. "But what can I say, it's not easy to resist a dick. So I really can't blame her."



Justin was stunned, but looking back, it made a lot of sense. She'd always had a thing for Brian. But everyone had a thing for him, so it didn't seem so strange at the time. But yeah, he probably should have seen it coming.



"God, I can't even imagine Mel's reaction. She must have been furious and heartbroken."



"Well, actually, she was the one who encouraged Lindsay to start dating men."



"Excuse me?" Justin blinked a few times.



"Yeah, I guess she had her suspicions too," Brian let out a chuckle. "And she's now in a very happy relationship herself, with a chick from Oklahoma."



"With a chick from Oklahoma?" Justin laughed, still processing the news.



"Yeah, she's pretty serious about her, even thinking about asking her to move in with her."



"How do you know?"



"Well, she told me." Brian chuckled, stating the obvious. "In fact, she annoyingly keeps calling me and asking my opinion like it fucking matters what I think. I always tell her she should do what she wants and what makes her happy and not care what anyone else thinks, but she's just so stubborn." Brian rolled his eyes with a sigh.



Justin didn't know what was more shocking, the fact that Lindsay was dating a man or the fact that Brian and Melanie seemed... close. Probably the latter.



"What?" Brian asked, seeing that Justin was at a loss for words.



"Uh, I just, I remember you and Melanie wanting to kill each other more than once, so... I'm a little surprised."



"Who says I don't want to kill her every time she calls me?" Brian raised his brows in amusement. "But yeah, I guess we've learned to like each other... when she and Lindsay broke up, she actually stayed with me for a while..."



"Wow," Justin breathed. "This is just crazy."



"Yeah, today's full of surprises, huh?"



"It sure as hell is. Anything else I should know about?"



"Well, you haven't asked me about Emmett yet." Brian smiled suspiciously.



"Christ, now I'm scared. Am I going to find out he's straight?"



Brian laughed out loud. "No, he's still queer, don't worry. Hell will freeze over before he becomes straight, trust me."



"Thank God." Justin was relieved. "So what then?" he urged.



"Well, remember Drew Boyd? That famous hot football player?"



"Yeah, of course I remember him and his impressive six-pack," he let out a chuckle. "I mean, it's hard to forget."



"Are you drooling, Sunshine?" If Justin didn't know him, he could almost swear he looked jealous. "Because the napkins are right over there."



The blond rolled his eyes and laughed. "Just tell me already."



"Fine, fine." Brian leaned his elbows on the table, smiling. "Well, as you can probably imagine, our beloved Emmett was pretty devastated after the breakup with Drew, convinced he'd never find love again, and then spent years getting his heart broken over and over again by every jerk who showed him the slightest hint of affection. He cried and complained, cried and complained, driving us all nuts and fed up." Brian sighed, remembering those unpleasant moments. "So we arranged a trip to Paris for him, because where else should he find love if not in the City of Love, right?" Brian laughed. "Well, guess who he ran into at the Eiffel Tower?"



"No fucking way!" Justin exclaimed. "Drew was there?"



"Damn right he was. And it turned out he was single too, and not only that, he was also hung up on Emmett after all these years. And so they went out on a date and then another and another..." Brian smiled, seeing how excited Justin was. "They spent almost three weeks there together, exploring the beauty of Paris, eating croissants, drinking wine, taking cruises on the Seine River, watching sunsets and having crazy romantic sex wherever they could - his words, not mine," he let out a laugh. "And on their last night there, Drew did the craziest thing - he popped the question right on the Love Lock Bridge."



"What?!" Justin squealed, smiling widely. "He didn't!"



"Oh yes, he did. And Emmett just stood there with his mouth wide open - something he's really good at." Brian added, making Justin laugh. "But when his brain finally processed what was going on, he started crying and gave him the only answer he could - a big fucking yes."



Justin grinned so hard his cheeks hurt. "Wait, he actually said yes?"



"Of course he said yes, he's Emmett," Brian pointed out. "And when he came back, we all thought he'd gone absolutely insane. None of us believed they'd last, well, except Debbie," Brian smiled sadly. "But it turns out we were all fucking wrong."



"So they're married?"



"Mm-hmm." Brian nodded. "They actually live in Paris now. So Emmett probably has the best life of all of us. Lucky bastard."



Justin was speechless, but so happy at the same time. "God, that's amazing," he smiled widely. "I've never even been to Paris," he added after a moment with a chuckle.



Brian huffed out a laugh. "Well, if you ever go, you should give him a call, I'm sure he'd be happy to show you around."



"Yeah, right." Justin replied, doubt in his voice. "I'm pretty sure he has more important things to do than giving a tour to some guy he knew twenty years ago."



"You're not just some guy, Justin. Trust me, he'd be thrilled to see you."



And Justin would be thrilled to see him. He'd love to see them all. But it didn't matter what he wanted or wished, it was just too late. He was just a stranger to them now. Just a guy from the past.



"Well, maybe one day," Justin said, but he knew it would never happen.



Brian smiled slightly, but didn't say anything, just looked at him in this weird way, and for the first time it made Justin feel uncomfortable. It scared him that this might be the moment Brian would want to address the elephant in the room that they had both been so successfully ignoring all this time. And he wasn't ready. He didn't even know if he wanted to talk about it, after all, what did it matter? They couldn't change what had happened. Of course, deep down he wanted to hear Brian say that he was sorry and that he regretted the decision that had torn them apart, but that would probably make him even more angry and frustrated. Because if by any chance Brian really regretted it why hadn't he tried to make things right with Justin in those twenty years? And if he really thought what he'd done was right, Justin didn't want to hear it, because nothing about it was right. It was cowardly. Brian had given up, that was the truth. And Justin had to live with that. He'd have to live with it for the rest of his life. So yeah, there was really no point in talking about it.



"Justin, listen, I..." Brian said with obvious nervousness in his voice and Justin was pretty much ready to jump out of his seat and leave. That's how much he didn't want to have this conversation. But from the look on Brian's face he could tell it was inevitable. "I just want to say that..." Brian paused as his phone suddenly started ringing, interrupting him.



And Justin immediately let out a quiet sigh of relief. He had never been happier to be saved by a ringing phone.



"I'm so sorry, but I'm gonna have to take this call." Brian told him apologetically. "It's work," he explained.



"Yeah, sure." Justin smiled in response. "Do what you gotta do."



"Thanks, I'll be right back." Brian assured him and went outside to answer the phone.



Justin let out a deep breath and ran his hand down his face, feeling like a weight had been lifted off his chest. Of course he'd be lying if he said he wasn't interested in hearing what Brian had to say, it might even give him the closure he so desperately needed, but he just wasn't ready to face it just yet. And he certainly wasn't ready to let Brian see how much he'd actually hurt him. He preferred to keep those scars hidden. Because admitting out loud how torn and empty he'd felt for the last twenty years might actually kill him.



God, why does he look so good in a suit? Justin thought as he looked at Brian who was still on the phone. Of course Brian always looked great, whether he was completely naked or simply wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt, but there was just something about Brian in a suit. He couldn't help but watch him. He always liked watching him work, Brian was so sexy in work mode. He was so focused, so determined, so confident, not taking no for an answer. Justin remembered how whenever he had a successful day, he liked to celebrate by fucking Justin's brains out. It was always so hot. So breathtaking. So... Christ, this was definitely not helping. Why was Justin doing this to himself? Why the hell couldn't he just let it go? Why was he even sitting here pretending that everything was okay? Pretending like he wasn't completely crushed by Brian's decision? A decision he made without him! Why the fuck was he pretending not to be completely furious with Brian?



But suddenly it didn't seem to matter anymore, Justin might not be the best at reading lips, but he could have sworn Brian had just said: "I'll be there in 20 minutes." And not only that, the way he looked at Justin right after he said it suggested he wasn't happy in the slightest. It was the look that said 'I don't want to go, but I have to'. Justin knew that look all too well.



And quite frankly? He suddenly felt like he was dying inside. Because it was time to say goodbye. It was time to let Brian go - again. And it hurt. It hurt like hell. But he did his best to keep his emotions in check. Because he had learned long time ago that he couldn't change what was meant to happen, so he put on a brave face, held his head high, and just waited for the inevitable.



"Sorry, that took longer than I expected." Brian said when he finally came back.



"No worries." Justin smiled at him, trying not to show that he was completely freaking out inside.



Brian returned the smile, but didn't sit down, just gave him this nervous look, clearly searching for words. "Justin, I hate to say this, but..."



"You have to go." Justin finished for him, saving him from having to say it.



"Yeah." Brian nodded with a sigh. "I'd like to stay here with you, believe me, but... it's important."



"You don't have to explain it to me, Brian. I get it." Justin assured him, though a huge part of him wanted to say 'don't go'. But he chose to stay quiet.



Brian let out a breath and just looked at Justin for a moment, almost as if he wanted to say something, but eventually he just grabbed his coat and put it on. Justin did the same with his jacket, not forgetting his bag of art supplies. They left the coffee shop in complete silence. It was still snowing and it looked absolutely beautiful. Justin may not have been the biggest fan of winter, but he always loved the sound of the snow crunching under his feet. Especially now, because at least it gave him something to focus on instead of thinking about what was about to happen.



But when Brian finally stopped to look at him, he felt like he was getting dizzy. He could barely even breathe. And he certainly wasn't sure what to do. Should he hug him? Shake his hand? Pat him on the shoulder? Just stand awkwardly and wait for him to leave? God, he was lost.



But looking into those gorgeous hazel eyes, he suddenly knew he definitely didn't want this to be the end. He wanted to see him again. He wanted to... fuck, he didn't even know what he wanted or expected, he just knew he wasn't ready to say goodbye. But he was too damn scared to do anything about it. Brian was the one who left, sure, Justin was the one who left for New York, but Brian left their relationship. He left Justin. No matter what his reasons were, he did it and broke Justin's heart, soul and spirit. And Justin had been trying to fill that hole in his chest as best he could ever since, but only now, after a short time with Brian, did he feel quite whole again and he just wasn't ready to walk away.



But Brian was the one who left.



So it was up to him whether or not they'd see each other again.



"Um, so, this... this is it, I guess." Brian said, letting out a quiet nervous laugh.



"Yeah, I guess it is," Justin replied, unsure of what else to say.



Brian rolled his lips in, and it was so obvious he didn't want to leave, but Justin needed to hear him say it. He needed him to show him that he wanted to see him again too. He needed him to do something... but Brian just stood there completely silent.



"You should probably go, you don't want to be late." Justin told him, filling the silence, his lips curled into a small smile.



"Yeah." Brian breathed, but didn't move an inch, still looking into Justin's eyes.



"Brian?"



"Yeah?"



"Are you going to leave or not? Justin chuckled.



"Yeah."



"You sure?" Justin chuckled again when Brian still wasn't moving.



And Brian finally seemed to snap back to reality. "Yeah, I should go," he said.



"Okay," Justin nodded. "It was really good seeing you."



"Yeah, it was really good seeing you too, Justin." Brian smiled.



Justin raised his brows, waiting to see if Brian would say anything else, but realizing that wasn't going to happen, he gave him one more smile before taking a deep breath and turning to leave. And it really did feel like his whole world was falling apart.



But when he was finally about to leave, the unexpected happened.



"Hey, Justin?"



"Yeah?" He turned to look at him, but preferred not to get his hopes up, just in case.



"Um, I was just wondering... if we could, uh, I don't know, maybe see each other again?"



Justin bit his lip to keep himself from smiling too widely. He didn't want to look too happy, but the truth was that he was fucking dancing inside.



"Yeah, I'd really like that," he said, hoping he hadn't just made the biggest mistake of his life.

As Justin closed his apartment door behind him and leaned against it, a silly little smile appeared on his lips. He just stood there, taking it all in, feeling that his heart rate was still a little faster than what was probably considered normal. Even his legs were still a bit shaky and weak. He was completely overwhelmed with about a hundred different emotions. What the fuck just happened? That was all he could think about as he tried to steady his breathing and calm himself in general. But he wasn't doing a very good job, because to be fair, he was probably freaking out more now than when he was sitting inches away from Brian, staring at his beautiful face.



Absolutely nothing could have prepared him for what happened today. Hell, he still couldn't even believe it. He couldn't fucking believe he'd just seen Brian. And not just that, he was going to see him again. Soon. Or at least he really hoped it would be soon. They weren't very specific as Brian was in a hurry, so they only managed to exchange numbers before Brian got into a cab, but he just had a feeling he'd hear from him soon. And it excited him as much as it frightened him.



After a few minutes of just standing there, he finally kicked his boots off, hung up his jacket, put his keys and the bag of art supplies on the kitchen counter, and poured himself a glass of whiskey. He downed it in one hard swallow. Then he poured himself another. He drank it again. He fucking needed it, so don't judge him. He then moved to the couch and made himself comfortable. He let out a long, heavy breath and just stared into space. He couldn't see himself, but he sure didn't need a mirror to know he looked like an idiot with that giant stupid grin on his face.



Of course he knew he was playing a very dangerous game with his heart at stake, and it scared the fuck out of him, but he just couldn't help himself... he couldn't just let Brian go, not when he'd waited twenty fucking years to see him again. So whatever trouble he was about to get into seemed worth it. Besides, he knew better this time, and no matter how tempting it might get, he wasn't about to fall for Brian's charms again. No way in hell. He just wanted to get to know the man he was today, and if in the process he could maybe finally get some answers and closure to what had happened all those years ago, he was more than willing to take the risks. No matter how utterly stupid it probably was.



It was getting really dark outside, so he decided to leave his painting plans for tomorrow, hoping his enthusiasm wouldn't fade overnight. That would truly suck. Because he really couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this excited about painting. Of course, he still loved art, he just wasn't exactly producing it anymore. He had his reasons. Reasons he didn't want to talk or even think about, but he allowed himself to hope that maybe one day he would get back to it.



He then went to take a shower to warm up and, more importantly, to distract himself from constantly checking his phone. Not that he'd expected to hear from Brian that soon, but he just couldn't stop himself from doing so because... what if? Yeah, that was probably wishful thinking. But no, he wasn't going to be the guy desperately waiting for someone's attention. Even if that someone was Brian Kinney. Because he was no longer the naive kid who danced half-naked in front of dozens of men just so Brian would stop taking him for granted. He was a grown-ass man who wasn't going to sit around and wait.



But to be fair, he was probably still in a bit of shock, and hadn't quite grasped what had actually happened. And it was probably for the best, because he wasn't exactly ready to get on that roller coaster of emotions and relive everything he'd gone through when Brian had ripped his heart out. At least not yet.



The hot water streaming down Justin's body felt really good. Maybe too good, actually. He slowly moved his hands over his skin, spreading the bubbly soap over every inch... and he kind of lost himself in the moment. His eyes were closed as he searched his memory, ignoring the heavy feeling in his chest as best he could. It was a faint image at first, but it slowly became sharper and more vivid... he could see himself pressed against the shower wall, moaning and breathing heavily. Brian was behind him, kissing his neck and moving his hips as he fucked Justin slowly. He knew that he shouldn't be doing this, that it wasn't right, and that he was just making everything harder for himself, but... all he could care about at the moment was how hard his cock was, because he hadn't felt this aroused in ages. He could feel bad and ashamed later, but right now he just needed this.



"Fuck," he breathed heavily as he squeezed his throbbing dick, stroking himself slowly.



But his eyes suddenly shot open as he heard what sounded like an earthquake. He immediately stopped the water, strained his ears and peeked out of the shower. It was a loud pounding and he could have sworn it was coming from his front door. He quickly dry himself off and pulled on his sweatpants, trying to ignore his sensitive cock.



"Jesus Christ, Ashley!" Justin exclaimed as he opened the door. "Are you trying to make a hole in my door?"



"In my defense, I rang the bell several times, but apparently you didn't hear or ignored my attempts, so I resorted to a more effective method." She smiled widely.



"I was in the shower, you freak."



"Well, I hope I didn't interrupt you jerking off." She raised an eyebrow in amusement and Justin opted not to answer. "Oh, shit," she laughed, realizing that was exactly what she'd done. "Sorry about that. Now get your cute ass out of the way and let me in. You have some explaining to do."



"You're fucking crazy, you know that?" Justin laughed and kicked the door closed.



"Well, duh. That's why you love me. Now you got any ice cream? I have cravings. It's that time of the month."



"Uh, too much information. And I'm sure there's some leftover ice cream in the freezer."



"Great," she smiled excitedly and fished the ice cream out of the freezer. "Salted caramel? Yum. Wanna join me?"



"Like you have to ask."



She giggled, grabbed two spoons and the ice cream, and they moved to Justin's couch. Ashely had been his friend for years and was probably the closest person to him. They met a few years after Justin moved to New York and bonded over art. They were both equally passionate and driven, and now they worked together in an art gallery they co-owned. It was one of those dreams that Justin didn't even know he had, but once it came true, it made perfect sense.



Ashley was the kind of friend you always wanted to have around. She was bubbly, energetic, a little crazy, and would run into a burning building for you. Justin honestly couldn't imagine his life without her. She knew absolutely everything about him. Even about Brian. And even though she'd never met him, she hated him for breaking Justin's heart. Because she was there when Justin was gluing back together what Brian had broken. And she knew how much effort and tears it had taken. So Justin was kind of afraid to tell her about what happened today, knowing for a fact that she wouldn't be happy about Justin's decision to let Brian back into his life. But at the same time, he didn't want to keep it from her.



"So... you wanna tell me why I haven't heard from you in two days?" She asked, stuffing her mouth with more ice cream. "I mean, our gallery didn't burn down or anything, in case you were wondering."



"Yeah, sorry about that," he sighed. "I just needed a few days to myself."



"Well, I get that, but you know I'm here, right? Whatever's going on, you can tell me."



"Nothing's going on, I'm just having a middle age crisis, I guess," he laughed, but it actually sounded horrible. He didn't feel that old. "I don't know, things just suck lately... and my life is a fucking mess, Ashley," he sighed, scratching the back of his head.



"You know what you need?"



"No, but I'm sure you'll tell me."



"You need to get laid, babe. Or a sugar daddy."



Justin burst out laughing. "You do realize that at my age I could be a sugar daddy myself, right?"



"Well, that doesn't sound so bad, you could find yourself a young hottie."



"Yeah, I don't feel like having a twink to be fair." Justin paused, debating whether it was the right moment to tell her about Brian. "But there's probably something I should tell you..."



"Oh, do tell," her eyes lit up with excitement.



"Well, you're gonna hate it..." He warned her and bit his lip nervously.



"Okay, now I'm intrigued. Is there a body we need to hide?"



Justin huffed out a laugh. "No... at least not yet. But, well, I saw Brian today."



"Brian?" She raised an eyebrow, a little confused as to why the name sounded so familiar, and then it dawned on her. "Jesus fuck!"



"Yeah, I expected that reaction," he chuckled.



"You mean Brian Brian? Your Brian? The asshole who broke your heart?"



"Yep." Justin nodded.



"I fucking don't know what to say," she was clearly in shock. "I mean, did you punch him? Please tell me you didn't say more than two words to him, which I hope were 'fuck you'."



"Uhhhh, no. But we had coffee together," he smiled at her.



"You had coffee together?" She raised her voice. "No, Justin. No, no, no. No way. He fucking destroyed you, have you forgotten that?"



"Of course not. I know that. But that was twenty years ago... I think he's changed. Besides, it was just coffee, it's not like I'm going to run back into his arms."



"Please tell me you're not planning on seeing him again?"



Justin swallowed and filled his mouth with ice cream. "Maybe?" He mumbled. "I mean, he wants to see me. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to see him."



"I must be fucking dreaming. Justin, have you lost your damn mind? He's not worth a minute of your time. I know you think he's changed, but people like him don't change. He's still an asshole, I guarantee you that." She was angry, but quickly realized she was talking about someone Justin had once loved deeply. "Sorry, that was... not cool. I know he was your big love. Your first love. And I know your love history sucks altogether..."



"Thanks," he scoffed.



"But he didn't even have the balls to break up with you face to face. He just disappeared. He avoided you until you just gave up and accepted that he didn't love you anymore. And that almost killed you. And the fact that he fucked you up like that caused you to date some real assholes... I mean, do you want me to remind you of..."



"No," he cut her off quickly, immediately feeling his heart speed up and an uncomfortable feeling rush through his body. "Please don't bring him up."



"I don't want to, but the fact that Brian broke your heart made you think you didn't deserve to be loved, and you let that scumbag treat you like crap."



"I get that you're trying to be my friend, Ash, and believe me, no one is more angry with Brian than I am, but... he's not the reason I stayed in that relationship, even when... things got out of control. That was my stupid decision."



She sighed, pulled out a cigarette and lit it up. "So you're really going to see him again?"



"I don't know. It's up to him. He's got my number and he can call me if he wants. And if he doesn't, then... I guess it doesn't matter. But I promise you I won't be the first one to reach out. I'm done with that. It's up to him whether or not we see each other again."



"Good, but I'm gonna kill him if he hurts you again."



"I know that. But I won't let that happen. I know better now. I just want to get to know the man he is now... it's not like we're gonna get back together. Even I'm not that stupid."



"Uh-huh."



"Shut up and eat. It's melting."



She laughed and poked him in the shoulder. "So... is he still hot? I mean, what did you used to call him? The face of God?"



"I won't answer that," he laughed out loud.



"Oh, shit, don't tell me you were thinking about him when you were jerking off in the shower?"



"You're such a pain in my ass."



"Yeah, but I bet there's something else you want up your ass." She teased him.



"Stop it," he continued laughing.



"You're even blushing," Ashley commented with a laugh, but eventually let out a sigh. "Just... promise me you'll be careful. I know that somewhere deep down you probably still love him, and there's a part of you that might be tempted to see where this could go, but... he hurt you, so much, and I don't want to see you hurt again..."



"He won't hurt me again, Ash, I promise you that." He took the cigarette from her hand and took a drag. "Besides, there's a decent chance I won't hear from him again." He said casually, but he really hoped that wouldn't be the case.



--



Justin tried his fucking best to fall asleep, but he just couldn't stop tossing around. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Brian's face. But not the one from twenty years ago, but the one he saw today, just several hours ago. It was still Brian, but there was so much different about him. And no matter how much Justin knew he shouldn't let him back into his life, he couldn't help but be drawn to him. He wanted at least a taste of the man he was now. No matter the consequences. Because really... how much more could Brian hurt him? Justin was basically immune to pain and heartbreak by this point.



But like he had already told Ashley, he couldn't blame that solely on Brian... it might have started with him (and it was probably the worst pain he'd ever felt), but what came after wasn't Brian's fault. Though knowing that if Brian hadn't made the decision he did back then, none of it would have ever happened wasn't exactly easy.



And with that, another memory flashed through his mind: We're sorry, but the number you dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service.



Justin instantly panicked, feeling sick to his stomach. There was no way to describe how he felt when he heard those words. He remembered breaking down in tears, knowing it was truly over. He had called Brian almost every day up until then, but Brian never answered, so he just kept leaving messages. He thought that if he tried long enough, Brian would eventually give in and they would work it out somehow. But instead, Brian decided to cut him out of his life for good. And just thinking about it made Justin so angry.



Okay, what the fuck was he even thinking? Maybe Ashley was right, maybe this was a huge mistake. Maybe it wasn't worth the risk after all. He should just let bygones be bygones and stay away from Brian.



But of course the universe had other plans, because at that exact moment Justin's phone buzzed on his bedside table.



And it was actually pathetic how quickly Justin reached for his phone. But before he even looked at it, he took a deep breath and tried to remain calm.



Then he finally unlocked his phone and nervously looked at the text message that was there.



Brian: Are you awake?



That was it. Just those three simple words. Justin actually had to laugh at that, only Brian could start their conversation like that. He couldn't help but text him a playful reply.



Justin: Sorry, but who's this?



He had to giggle to himself as he bit his lip, waiting nervously for Brian's message.



Brian: Ouch. Did you forget about me so quickly?

Brian: It's Brian... he added seconds later.



Justin giggled again and texted back.



Justin: I'm just messing with you.



Brian: Of course you are.

Brian: You're still a little twat, I see.



Justin immediately smiled, feeling fucking butterflies. Christ, was he twelve? He needed to get a grip, he couldn't afford to act like a lovesick teenager.



Justin: Yeah, a forty year old twat.



Brian: Do I detect aging problems?

Brian: Because you do not look your age. I'd say 30 at the most.



Justin: Uh, if I remember correctly, you used to call people over 30 dead.



There was a long pause that made Justin nervous. But what popped up on the screen next made his heart skip a beat.



Brian: Yeah, but you're living proof that people over 30 can be hotter than ever.



Justin took a shaky breath. God, what was Brian doing to him? This was not the way this conversation was supposed to go. No, he wasn't going to flirt with him over the phone. He wasn't going to be that stupid.



Justin: So how did the work thing go today? He asked, just to change the subject.



Brian: Uh, it went... well. This client is a pain in my ass. But it's nothing I can't handle.

Brian: Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I'm really sorry I had to leave so abruptly.



Justin: No need to apologize. I get it.



Brian: Thanks.

Brian: So... what are you doing?



Justin: Um, I wish I could tell you I'm having a fun night, but... I'm in bed.



Justin cringed when he sent the message. He sounded like he was 70, not 40. Yeah, his life was pretty simple and boring, but he really didn't want Brian to think his biggest adventure of the day was lying in bed. But once again Brian took his time with his reply, which made Justin slightly panicky. He really hoped this wasn't the end of their conversation.



But then his phone finally buzzed again and Justin froze as he read the message.



Brian: Well, are you up for a fun night?



He hesitated, not sure what to reply. He'd hoped to see Brian soon, but this was really fucking soon. He didn't even know if he was ready for it. It terrified him, actually. On the other hand, he didn't know how much longer Brian would be in New York, and he certainly didn't want to miss the opportunity to see him. So, for once, he decided not to think and just do what he wanted.



Justin: Absolutely.

Justin paced anxiously back and forth as he waited outside the bar where Brian had told him to meet him. He couldn't for the life of him remember the last time he'd been in a bar, it felt like fucking ages ago. Okay, that was a bit of an exaggeration, but it had definitely been some time. And this bar looked quite fancy and expensive. Not that money was an issue for him, he was actually doing really well with the gallery and with his savings from his days of fame (Christ, that actually made him cringe, he never considered himself famous, but he did love knowing that Gus thought of him that way), but this place sure made him feel underdressed and slightly uncomfortable. He wondered why Brian had chosen a bar, but perhaps he thought it was the best place for them to reminisce about old times, considering they loved spending time together at Woody's and made a lot of memories there.



He couldn't help but wonder if Brian was still a club boy. On the one hand, it wouldn't even surprise him, he'd always thought Brian would dance until he dropped dead right on the dance floor after having lived his best life the way he loved it... on the other hand, it would be kind of ridiculous. Knowing that twenty years later he still couldn't let go of the part of him that wanted to party for eternity. But it was Brian, anything was possible with him. And he certainly wasn't going to judge him.



Justin was slowly starting to regret not putting more layers on because it was so goddamn cold. But he literally had to try on four different outfits before he finally decided what to wear. And even then he wasn't entirely convinced, but it was the best option he had. Which was definitely a sign that he needed to buy new clothes. But he really did his best to look good. No, fuck that, he did his best to look hot and hoped he succeeded. And before you get any ideas, it wasn't because of Brian, he just wanted to feel good about himself and he wanted to feel confident. But if Brian ended up complimenting his looks, he wouldn't exactly mind.



But right now he really wished he was thinking more about the risk of hypothermia than about looking good. Why the hell didn't he at least wear gloves? Sure, he could just go inside and wait for Brian there and be nice and warm instead of letting his ass freeze outside, but he didn't want to sit there all alone and look like some pathetic idiot. And honestly, the more time passed, the more he was starting to wonder if this whole thing wasn't a big fucking mistake.



"You are so fucking stupid, Justin. So unbelievably stupid," he muttered angrily under his breath as he rubbed his hands together in an attempt to warm himself. "Why the hell did you come here?" He kept talking to himself, probably looking like a lunatic. "You're fucking forty, you shouldn't be doing shit like this."



He actually had to laugh at himself, because of course he fucking knew why he'd come, it was no mystery. He could lie to himself all he wanted and keep convincing himself that being around Brian was a stupid idea, but he simply couldn't stay away from him. Despite everything he'd put him through and the pain he'd caused him, Justin was completely incapable of hating him. And believe me, he tried. But no matter how furious he was with him, he was never able to hate him. Not really. Instead, he tried to erase him, any way he could, by doing things he wasn't proud of, but he was so desperate to get the name Brian Kinney out of his mind and heart that he didn't care what he had to do to do it. But he learned the hard way that letting Brian go was quite impossible, because the mark he left on his heart and soul was simply inerasable.



Still, it didn't stop him from trying.


And even though he knew all he had to do was simply turn around, go home and forget that any of this had ever happened, he just couldn't. Because Brian had somehow found his way back into his life, and he had to believe there was a reason for it. Maybe it was just a coincidence or some twisted game of the universe or even fate... but there just had to be a reason why their paths crossed again. So yes, he chose to ignore that every molecule in his body was telling him to run and not look back, and decided to stay. Maybe it was stupid and maybe he'd lost his goddamn mind, but he needed to believe that something good was going to come out of it.


And quite frankly, the moment his eyes finally spotted Brian in the crowd heading towards him, he knew for a fact that there was no place he'd rather be. And he was immediately struck by the memory of the night they met. He still remembered every little detail of that night as if it had happened yesterday. And the fact that he was actually standing under a street lamp almost made him laugh. But he was too busy holding his breath and watching Brian get closer and closer to him.



His heart was beating so fucking fast in his chest, maybe even jumping up and down. Brian's gaze was on him, just as his eyes were locked on Brian. They were both smiling, and honestly, it seemed like no one else was around. For a moment it was as if the world just stopped and they were completely and utterly lost in each other. Just like that night. And Justin was unable to snap out of it. All he could think was 'Damn, he really does still look like God'.


"Hey," Brian said softly as they finally stood just inches apart, his lips stretching into that gorgeous smile of his that Justin loved to look at.



And he immediately felt a rush of heat run through his body and his heart was now in his throat. Even though he'd been waiting for Brian here, he was still shocked to see and hear him. He simply could not believe that Brian Kinney was standing right in front of him. It was like a dream he didn't want to wake up from. But he quickly reminded himself that he needed to get his shit together.



So he cleared his throat, and tried to look perfectly calm, but the truth was that he was anything but. "Hey," he replied, flashing him a big smile.


Brian rolled his lips into his mouth, looking almost shy, but happy at the same time. It was obvious that even he couldn't believe he was seeing Justin again, and his intense gaze was so piercing that Justin could feel it in the very core of his soul.



"I really hope you didn't wait too long," Brian said after a moment. "Traffic in New York is crazy even at night," he let out a laugh. "God, you look like you're freezing."



"I got here about five minutes ago," he lied, not wanting Brian to feel bad. "And it's not that cold," he added with a soft chuckle, though he was sure his lips must be blue. And he hated that he immediately thought of a way to make them pink again, because the last thing he wanted to think about was kissing Brian. So he quickly pushed the thought away.



"You sure?" Brian raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Because I'm pretty sure you have frostbite on your nose."



"What?" Justin said in a slightly panicked voice and rubbed his nose gently. But he quickly noticed the look on Brian's face that indicated he was only teasing him. "Funny," he frowned at him, but he couldn't help but laugh a little.



Brian smirked, clearly enjoying the moment. "I'm really glad you came, Justin."



Justin swallowed hard and licked his lips nervously. "Yeah, me too," he admitted and let out a breath.



"Well, shall we go inside?"



"Yes please." Justin responded more eagerly than he'd intended, but he was really freezing. "I just don't want to get frostbite on my ass..." He said jokingly.



Brian laughed out loud. "Well, we wouldn't want that," he said, and walked over to the door, which he pulled open. "After you."



"Thanks," Justin smiled at him and walked inside. He almost sighed happily when he felt the wonderful warmth.



"Better?" Brian arched his brow, seeing Justin's satisfied expression.



"Much better." Justin nodded and smiled widely.



"That's good." Brian smiled back at him and looked around the bar for a place to sit. "Let's sit over there, what do you think?" He nodded towards the booth seating that was located at the very back corner of the room. It looked quite intimate and private, which made Justin a little uncomfortable, but at the same time it was probably the best spot for them to talk.



"Yeah, sure." Justin agreed.



They moved to the booth and Brian took off his coat. He was wearing dark blue jeans with a Gucci belt and a black sweater that fit him perfectly. His chest and biceps looked amazing in it. Justin tried not to stare, but it was almost impossible. He even found himself wishing he had x-ray vision so he could see underneath the layers of clothing... nope, he wasn't going to do that, he wasn't going to think about Brian naked, not even for a second. He wasn't going to be that fucking insane.



"Everything okay?" Brian asked when he noticed Justin's face.



"Uh-huh, yeah." Justin nodded, praying he wasn't drooling or blushing.



"Are you going to take that jacket off or are you going to be in it the whole time?" Brian chuckled.



"Oh, right." Justin laughed awkwardly and took his jacket off. Then he finally sat down and Brian sat across from him. "So... do you come here often?" he asked, just to start a conversation and distract himself from how amazing Brian looked and smelled.



"Uh, actually... I've never been here before."



That surprised Justin. "No?"



"No. But they had great reviews, so I figured why not," he explained. "You hate it here, don't you?"



"What? No. I don't hate it." He tried to sound convincing, but the truth was that he wasn't exactly thrilled with the place. It just wasn't his kind of scene. "But it is a bit fancy here... I probably should have worn something else..." he laughed a little, adjusting his shirt.



"Sorry, I should have asked you where you wanted to go," he sighed. "We can leave if you want."



"No," Justin said quickly. "I'm fine, Brian, don't worry about it. Who knows, maybe I'll fall in love with this place and start coming here regularly." He doubted it, but one never knows. But he sure didn't want Brian to feel bad about it, after all he didn't care where they were, he was just glad they could spend some time together.



Brian rolled his lips in and smiled. "Okay, but if you end up hating it here, you can just give them a bad review."



That made Justin giggle. "Sounds like a good plan."



"Yeah," Brian nodded in agreement. "And just so you know... I think you look really great." He nervously pushed his tongue into his cheek.



Justin swallowed, trying to ignore the way his heart skipped a beat. "Thank you," the corners of his lips curled up into a soft, shy smile. "You don't look bad yourself."



Brian smirked and cleared his throat. "So... what are we drinking? Wait, let me guess, is margarita still your drink?"



"You remember..." Justin pulled his lip between his teeth, feeling the fucking butterflies again.



"And you seem surprised once again." Brian laughed. "You know, it may not seem like it, but even at my age, I still remember a lot of things..."



"Haha. Very funny," Justin stuck his tongue out at him. "And yes, I'll have a margarita... thank you."



"Okay, I'll be right back." Brian got up from his seat. "Don't go anywhere," he told him in a humorous yet serious way and made his way to the bar.



Justin leaned back and let out a deep breath. He was glad to have a moment to compose himself. He was not doing well and was way too comfortable around him. Yes, he enjoyed the little glances, the compliments, the playful flirting, the intense stares... but he knew there was a fine line between having a good time and having his heart broken all over again. And unfortunately, he was aware that his heart wasn't wrapped in bubble wrap, and that there was a pretty decent chance he was going to regret his decision to give Brian a chance, so the last thing he wanted to do was let his guard down. He just couldn't let Brian get under his skin, even though he was already halfway there, but he had to remember that no matter how strong his feelings for him were, Brian was still someone who had hurt him in a way that had nearly destroyed him. And he needed to be careful.



But it was definitely easier said than done. Because just looking at Brian made him feel things he thought he'd never feel again. It was almost as if Brian had sparked something inside him. And it scared him as much as it excited him.



"One margarita for Mr. Taylor." Brian joked and set the glass in front of Justin. "I mean, it's still Taylor, right?" He asked casually.



Justin furrowed his brows, slightly confused, but then it dawned on him. Brian was trying to find out if Justin was married, and he was trying to do it subtly. Well, that was certainly a better way to approach the subject than when Justin had read his message and made a bunch of assumptions. "Yes, Taylor, that's right." He smiled and took a sip of his margarita.



"Cool," Brian smiled back, but didn't say anything else. Justin however, could tell it was taking all his self-control not to be too nosy, which made him a little too happy. But he loved that Brian was curious about him, too. "How's the margarita?" He asked, trying to save the awkward silence.



"It's delicious." Justin replied. And now that he thought about it, it was probably one of the best he'd ever had, maybe this place wasn't so bad after all. "Like really fucking delicious," he chuckled, taking another sip.



Brian laughed at that. "Glad to hear it."



"Mhmm," Justin hummed. "So... is there anything else in your life I should know about?" He let out a quiet chuckle.



"Uh, like what?"



"I don't know, like... is your mom still..." Justin quickly swallowed the rest of his question, realizing it was not only too direct, but more importantly, inappropriate.



"Alive?" Brian huffed out a laugh, realizing what Justin was about to ask. "Yes, she is. I think she's immortal, to tell you the truth. She's actually living in a nursing home now, which I'm paying for... and, uh, she's got Alzheimer's..."



Justin's heart squeezed at that, no matter how crappy of a mother she was, she was still Brian's mother, and this was awful. "Oh my God, Brian, that's... I don't even know what to say..."



"Yeah," Brian breathed. "It's funny in a way, she knows deep down she hates me, she just doesn't remember why most of the time. And sometimes she has these moments where she actually calls me her little boy... Um, yeah, those moments are entertaining. No, scratch that, it's even better when she calls me Jack, because in her mind my old man is still alive from time to time..."



Christ. Justin saw the pain in Brian's eyes and knew that behind the sarcasm was just a little boy who still loved his mother despite everything. And he hated that there was nothing he could do to help him. "I'm so sorry, Brian. I can't imagine how hard it must be. No one deserves to go through something like this..."



"Thanks." He smiled, grateful. "Good thing Claire and I actually get along better now, so I don't have to go through it alone... we tolerate each other a lot more, it's not like we're having family dinners at her house or anything, but... yeah, we've stopped hating each other."



"That's... unexpected." Justin chuckled. "You hated her guts."



"I did," he laughed. "And in a way, I still do. But... she was the first one to make a move to bring us closer, and I figured I'd give her a chance... and so far she hasn't given me any reason to regret it."



"Wow. Well, I'm happy for you, really."



"Yeah." Brian gave him a small smile. "And how's your sister?"



"Molly? Uh, she's having the adventure of a lifetime... she's actually traveling around the world with her boyfriend... last I heard she was in Spain sipping pina coladas..."



"Good for her."



"Yeah, my little sister is actually enjoying life unlike me..." God, that sounded depressing. "Sometimes I just want to drop everything and hop on a plane and join her..."



"Why don't you?"



"First of all, I'd hate to be a third wheel, and secondly, I guess I don't have the courage to leave the comfort of my home... but who knows, maybe one day..." he shrugged.



"Let's hope so." Brian smiled at him. "I think you should just do what you want and not think about it..."



"No excuses, no apologies, and no regrets, right?" Justin chuckled, raising an eyebrow.



Brian huffed out a laugh. "You're damn right."



"Yeah, I wish it were that easy." Justin sighed, scratching the back of his head. "But I have responsibilities here, plus Ash would probably kill me if I just left."



"Ash?" Brian cleared his throat. "Who's he?" He asked, casually taking a sip of his drink and avoiding eye contact.



Justin pressed his lips together, trying not to smile too wide. "She is my best friend. Ash is short for Ashley," he explained.



"Oh, right." Brian laughed softly.



"Yeah, I met her a few years after I moved here. We actually opened an art gallery together," Justin smiled, proud of himself.



"Wait, you own an art gallery?" Brian was surprised to hear that, but his face showed that he was excited for Justin. "That's really huge, Justin."



"Thanks."



"Well, what else is new? We've already talked about me, now I want to talk about you... tell me everything." Brian prompted him.



"Um, there's nothing interesting about my life, trust me." Justin suddenly felt uncomfortable and shifted in his seat.



"I find that very hard to believe, Justin. There must be something... or someone... interesting." He pulled his lips into his mouth and smiled.



Justin let out a quiet laugh. Brian was obviously trying to get an answer to this particular question at all costs. And part of Justin wished he could just tell him that he had found love again, that there was a man in his life who made him happy, and that his life was exactly as he had dreamed it would be... but the reality, unfortunately, was very different. Every relationship he'd been in during those twenty years had ended disastrously. Either he'd screwed up, or he'd been cheated on, or his heart (what was left of it, anyway) had been broken. And unfortunately, in one particular case, it wasn't just his heart that got broken... but that wasn't anything he wanted to think about at the moment.



"Um, are you asking me if I have a boyfriend?" Justin cocked an eyebrow and rested his elbows on the table.



"Well, I guess I am." Brian chuckled softly. "So, Justin, do you have a boyfriend... a partner... a husband... someone warming the other side of your bed?"



"What do you think?" Justin crossed his arms over his chest and bit his lip playfully.



"That... I'd be very surprised if you didn't." Brian breathed, his face suddenly serious, yet tender, a trace of sadness emerging in his eyes.



Justin huffed out a breath of laughter. "Why? You think it's impossible for me to be single?"



"Well, you're... you." Brian swallowed nervously, chuckling softly.



"What's that supposed to mean?" Justin laughed, his brows furrowed.



"Just that... guys must be crazy about you."



Justin honestly didn't know how to react to that, of course it made his heart beat a little faster and part of him was happy that Brian thought of him that way, but... he couldn't help but feel angry at the same time. Because Brian was the reason they were sitting here now, trying to catch up on each other's lives, so them talking about Justin's love life suddenly seemed completely absurd. Because he knew deep down that if Brian hadn't made the decision he did back then, they would have been together today. And it took all his self-control not to rub it in his face.



"There's no one special in my life," Justin said simply, not wanting to talk about it anymore. "Any other questions?" He chuckled, hoping he didn't sound too harsh.



"Mhmm, yeah, there is something..." Brian nodded and suddenly started staring at his face, not even trying to be subtle about it, and it made Justin quite nervous because it didn't seem like one of those moments where he was admiring his beauty. "How did you get that scar?"



"What?" Justin let out a breath, a chill running down his spine. It wasn't that he hadn't heard what Brian had said, he just totally hadn't expected that question.



"The scar," Brian pointed to his eyebrow, it almost seemed like he was going to touch it, but he restrained himself. "What happened?"



"Oh." Justin brushed his fingers over it, and his mind immediately flashed back to the moment he'd gotten the scar, his heart hammering against his ribcage. He could feel the panic slowly rising in him, but with a few controlled breaths he managed to suppress it. "It was just a stupid accident." He chuckled nervously. "I actually slipped on ice. One of the reasons I hate winter... it's dangerous," he said jokingly, hoping Brian couldn't tell he was lying.



"Ouch." Brian hissed. "That must have been quite a fall."



"Mmm. Mostly humiliating. But luckily I didn't break anything."



"Thank God, that would have really sucked. And I hear scars are sexy... which I can only agree with," he flashed a wide grin.



Justin snorted a chuckle and preferred not to comment. Instead, he decided to finally ask the question he'd been wanting to ask the whole time they'd been sitting there, even though the potential answer scared him to death. "Uh, so... when are you going back to LA?"



Brian's expression instantly changed and Justin just knew that whatever Brian was about to say, he wasn't going to like it. "I'm actually going back tomorrow night."



That made Justin's heart sink. And he really had to hold himself back from showing how disappointed and saddened he was by it. He seriously thought they had more time. And he honestly didn't know how to process that information. All he could think about was how much he didn't want Brian to leave, but there was absolutely nothing he could do about it.



"Oh, that's too bad," Justin said, smiling sadly.



"Yeah." Brian agreed. "But my client is hosting this work event in two weeks and he expects me to attend so we can talk 'some business'... and I'm actually supposed to bring a date, so I was just wondering, in case you don't have any other plans at the time, if you'd like to come with me?"



Justin's brows immediately shot up, his eyes wide with confusion. He wasn't sure he'd heard right. "Uh... what?"



Brian laughed, shifting in his seat. "I'm asking you if you'd like to go to my client's party with me? I mean, it would be a great opportunity to see each other again... that is, if you're interested."



"Wait, are you asking me to be your date?" Justin grinned uncontrollably from ear to ear, studying Brian's face.



"Is that a yes?" Brian arched his brow, smiling.



Brian once again managed to take Justin completely by surprise. But the truth was, Justin didn't know what to say. He wanted to say yes, of course he did, but... the rational part of him knew that probably wasn't the best idea. On the other hand, what was the worst that could happen? Maybe this could be fun. And he deserved fun. He deserved to actually live, not just exist in his little safe bubble he'd been hiding in for a while now. And this seemed like the perfect opportunity.



"Will I have to wear something fancy?"



Brian huffed a laugh. "You can wear whatever you want. Anything you feel comfortable in."



Justin pretended to think about it, but he already knew the answer. After all, if this was a way to see Brian again, there was nothing to consider. "Okay," he said.



"Okay?"



"Okay." Justin repeated, his lips stretching into a big smile. "I'll come with you."