---

The smile on Justin's face couldn't have been bigger as he made his way to the front door of Debbie's house while the snow crunched under his feet. He was so freaking excited to be home for Christmas. It truly felt like fucking forever since he'd last been here and he honestly couldn't imagine spending Christmas anywhere else. This was his home. This was where his family was. This was where he had longed to be for the past few months. And up until the last minute, he wasn't sure he'd make it, but here he was. Happy, excited, and nervous. More nervous than he actually expected. But it was the good kind of nervous.



Wasting no time, he excitedly rang the doorbell with his freezing hand, having forgotten his gloves. He seriously could not wait to be inside, feeling nice and warm. Debbie, however, definitely seemed to be taking her time, making Justin ring again a little more intensely this time.



And soon he could hear her from inside the house, muttering. "Jesus Christ, who's so fucking impatient? I'm just a slow old lady."



Justin chuckled softly. He missed Debbie so damn much. He missed them all. He missed Pittsburgh in general. New York was great, no doubt about that, but... he was just so lonely there. Sure, he was doing what he loved and he was good at it. Fucking great at it, actually. He never even dreamed that one day he'd be painting in the big city and getting recognition... one would say it was a dream come true. Yet he was not happy. Not happy at all. But he did not want to think about that right now. He wanted to keep his Christmas spirit and enjoy time with his family.



Soon the door swung open in front of him and Debbie's face immediately lit up with undeniable excitement. "Sunshine!" She cried out happily, her eyes instantly becoming teary.



"Nope, I don't see any old lady," he commented on her words. "Just a beautiful one." His lips stretched into a wide smile.



"Oh my God, honey, what are you doing here?"



"It's Christmas, of course I'm here. I wouldn't miss it for the world."



"I just didn't know you were coming. That bastard didn't tell me anything!"



Justin felt his heart squeeze. "Yeah, well, he doesn't exactly know I'm here." Justin's gaze slid to the floor and he nervously pulled his lips into his mouth. "We haven't talked in a while."



"Well, he hasn't told me about that either."



"It's... complicated," the blond said simply.



"It always is with you two," she complained and sighed loudly, obviously disappointed, but mostly sad. She just wanted her boys to be happy. "Oh come here baby, give me a hug," she reached her arms out to him and gripped him tightly. "I'm so glad you're here," she whispered in his ear and kissed his cheek.



"Me too," he smiled happily.



"Well come on in, it's freaking cold. I'll make you some tea to warm you up. We don't want you catching a cold or something."



"Yes, ma'am," he giggled.



She really didn't have to say that twice because Justin was literally shivering from how cold he was. So he immediately entered the house, which smelled of vanilla and cinnamon and was decorated in the most beautiful colors. Emmett definitely helped, he could tell. The Christmas tree was mesmerizing. Christmas at Deb's was always something he enjoyed immensely. It always made him feel so warm and happy. He took off his coat and boots, which were covered in snow, and looked apologetically at Deb, but she didn't give a damn, she was just happy to have her Sunshine home.



"Here you go," she placed the mug of tea on the table in front of him.



"Thank you," he immediately took a sip and held the mug in his hands as the heat felt so nice.



"So... how's New York treating you?" She grinned excitedly at him. "Tell me everything."



"So far so good," he replied vaguely.



"Good? Just good?" She raised an eyebrow questioningly. That didn't sound like the Sunshine she knew. "I would have expected more enthusiasm."



"I guess I'm still getting used to it. I've only been there seven months so far... it's gonna take a while to feel at home," he explained.



"Your home is here," she pointed out. "But I know what you mean. Beginnings are never easy."



"They certainly aren't," he breathed. "But I'm doing what I love, and that's the main thing."



"Absolutely," she smiled and stroked his hand. "And we're all so proud of you."



"Yeah, I'm not so sure about that," he said, feeling a little sad.



"He is too," she assured him immediately, knowing damn well what he was thinking. "He may not use words, sometimes not even his brain, but he is proud. I think he's the proudest of all of us. And he loves you. Don't ever forget that."



"I know that." Justin sighed. "He's just..."



"An asshole?"



"That, too." Justin laughed softly. "But I was going to say he's not very good at long-distance relationships. I know it's hard for him, and it's hard for me too, but his solution lately is to give me as much space as possible, which means we don't talk because he thinks it's easier that way... and I get it, he thinks that by putting distance between us, he's protecting his heart from pain, but he's actually doing the exact opposite. But he's Brian... he always thinks he's right."



"Yeah, he's a stubborn asshole, nothing new there." She smiled sadly at him. "Maybe you two can talk tonight?"



"So he's coming?" Justin really wasn't sure, Christmas wasn't exactly one of Brian's favorite things.



"He damn well better, otherwise I promised to rip him a new asshole. Not that he needs the one he's already got."



"Of course you did," Justin chuckled. "But I'm not sure he's going to listen to anything I say."



"He always listens, he just loves to pretend otherwise."



"Mm-hmm." Justin nodded, hoping things wouldn't be as bad as he imagined. He really didn't want to ruin Christmas Eve by having a fight with Brian. "But... maybe there's nothing to talk about. Maybe he's made up his mind and doesn't want to do this anymore," he allowed himself to say out loud what scared him deep down. "I honestly wouldn't even blame him."



"Honey, Brian would rather cut off his other ball and use it as an ornament on the Christmas tree than lose you. I think he's just having a hard time being without you and doesn't know how to cope."



"Yeah, I guess, but I wish he would just talk to me... instead he's pushing me away as usual... I was just really hoping we were past that..."



"I know," she sighed, stroking his cheek. "I think he just needs to be reminded that you're not going anywhere."



"I thought he knew that."



"You know how he is. He thinks he's not worthy of love... he thinks everyone will leave him eventually... so he leaves them first so it won't hurt so much. He's his own worst enemy. He may believe in love now, but that doesn't mean he's stopped fearing it."



Justin smiled sadly. "You know him so well."



"I've known him since he was 14, I've learned a thing or two about him. And sometimes he just needs to be kicked in the ass to see what's right in front of him."



The blond laughed as he silently agreed. "Yeah," he whispered. "Anyway, where's Carl? And Emmett? It's suspiciously quiet around here," he furrowed his brows.



"Carl's been called into work because apparently criminals don't take a break even at Christmas. Sometimes I wish I'd just married a plumber. But with my luck, he'd be somewhere fixing someone's toilet right now," she sighed heavily, making Justin chuckle. "And Emmett's with Teddy. But they should all be here in a few hours."



"Are the girls coming too?"



"Yes, thank God. Gus is excited to see his daddy."



"I bet Brian's excited too. He must miss him so much. I can't imagine."



"Yeah, Lindsay told me that he calls Gus almost every day, even reads him bedtime stories over the phone."



"He's a great dad." Justin smiled proudly, knowing how much Brian didn't believe in himself.



"Yeah," Debbie nodded. "Anyway, I'm really glad you're here because you can help me in the kitchen." She gave him a wink.



"Happy to, just put me to work." Justin replied excitedly.



Debbie obviously took it as a challenge because she really put him to work. But he didn't complain one bit, at least it kept him from thinking about Brian (not entirely, but better something than nothing), not to mention he was glad he was able to help Debbie with the preparations. And once everything was set he made himself comfortable on the couch with mulled wine and some Christmas cookies. Not too many though, as Debbie had warned him that there would be no leftovers. That woman was really scary sometimes.



And soon the gang began to arrive, all thrilled to see Justin. Emmett in particular was excited to hear about the hot men of New York. But Justin wouldn't know, he wasn't exactly paying attention to them. All he could think about was Brian, who was fashionably late as usual.



"Maybe he got stuck in traffic?" Michael, as usual, was making excuses for Brian.



"I think he's stuck somewhere else." Melanie commented wryly. "Sorry, honey," she looked apologetically at Justin.



"Well, I didn't expect him to stop tricking, so..." He shrugged, but he'd be lying if he said the idea of Brian with another man, especially tonight, made him ecstatic.



"What's tricking?" Gus asked curiously, his eyes wide.



Lindsay quickly covered Gus' ears as if that would somehow make him unhear it. Justin started to laugh, but only until he heard a car parking outside. He'd recognize the sound of Brian's Corvette anywhere. Christ, his heart immediately started pounding like crazy. Suddenly, he was kinda regretting not letting him know he was coming home for Christmas. He knew how much Brian hated being caught off guard. On the other hand, he would have known if he had picked up his damn phone instead of ignoring it for the past two months. Justin couldn't really be blamed. But still, he felt bad.



"Is that Daddy?" Gus's eyes lit up.



"I don't know, why don't you go find out?" Lindsay suggested with a smile.



Gus wasted no time and immediately ran for the door. Melanie barely caught up to him to put his jacket on. After that, it was only a matter of seconds before Gus was out the door and running to Brian's car. Justin watched out the window, not quite having the courage to show himself yet. It was a beautiful sight. Not just because of how happy they both looked to see each other, but because of how gorgeous Brian looked. Justin had only seen him four times in the last seven months, and the last time had been three months ago. Which was a long fucking time if you asked him. He honestly thought things would be easier when he moved to New York. And part of him understood why Brian kept his distance, but the other part of him just wanted to punch him in the face.



But first, he wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss the hell out of him. He wanted to taste those lips that he missed so much. But the question was, did Brian want the same thing? Was he even interested in continuing their unconventional relationship? Was there even a chance for them to be truly happy when they barely had time to see each other?



Justin was really praying for a Christmas miracle.

Justin smoothed down his shirt to make sure it wasn't wrinkled, ran a hand through his hair in case it was a mess, and wiped his mouth clean of any potential evidence of the Christmas cookies he'd just eaten. He just wanted to look good when Brian entered the house. Like 'jaw dropping' good. They hadn't seen each other in three months and he was ready to show Brian what he'd missed. Or at the very least, he wanted to save what was probably going to be a slightly awkward and possibly uncomfortable situation - because he was sure Brian would be shocked to see him, and probably even a little pissed at him for not letting him know - by giving Brian other things to think about. Like his ass. Though as much as Brian loved his ass, even that might not be enough this time. And it certainly scared the hell out of Justin.



"You seem to be in desperate need of a napkin." Emmett joined him at the window.



"What, why?" Justin quickly covered his mouth, trying to wipe what he thought was on it.



"You're drooling." Emmett said amusedly. "I mean, I get it... He's the hottest guy you've ever seen, you love him to death and all that other stuff, but... try to keep your pants up for most of tonight, okay, sweetie? Because I really do love Christmas."



Justin didn't know whether to roll his eyes in annoyance or start laughing. But then he got kinda sad when he realized that there might not even be a reason for him to take his pants off. There was a good chance he might not even get a kiss. And it made Justin's heart sink. He wanted to make things work with Brian, he wasn't ready to just give up, that would be against his nature. But he also knew that Brian had the right to make his own decision and he would have to respect that, even if it was going to shatter his heart.



"I don't think you have to worry about that." Justin replied sadly.



Emmett realized what Justin was thinking and put his arm around his shoulders. "Honey, he's gonna go nuts when he sees you... Do you have any idea how much he misses you? He's insufferable. I mean, more than usual."



"Did he say anything?" Justin asked hopefully.



"Well, not really, you know how he is, he doesn't talk much when it comes to you... But he's been much more mean to me lately, he just barks at everyone around him, he doesn't want to hang out much, which as you know means he's hurting inside... because he's just one big mess without you."



Justin really hated to hear that. Not that he was surprised, it was just the way Brian worked. But he really wished he'd try to approach things differently for once. Not the silent treatment. Not being a dick to everyone. Not the suffering alone instead of talking to him. He knew Brian was struggling without him, just as Justin was without Brian, but his solution only made things harder. And Justin wasn't sure how to handle it, he didn't want to push Brian into anything, especially if it was hurting him, but he also didn't want him to give up just because he was afraid of what their future held.



"Thanks," he smiled at Emmett, appreciating what he was trying to do.



He then looked back out the window and saw Brian finally approaching the house with Gus in his arms. The little boy was smiling so wide, making Justin think he had just gotten the best Christmas present ever and that was all he needed. And he was sure Brian felt the same way, although he hoped that him being here would be the next best present for Brian. But right now he was just trying to hold himself together because the closer Brian got, the more he panicked inside.



"Jesus Christ, it's so fucking cold outside," Brian grumbled as he finally entered the house and released Gus from his arms before closing the door behind him.



"Brian!" Lindsay exclaimed. "Could you not use the f-word in front of our son?"



"He's gotta learn it one day, right sonny boy?" Brian chuckled, tickling Gus.



"Well, today's not that day." Melanie retorted.



"Cwazy wesbians," Brian muttered and Gus giggled. "And here I thought you'd be happy to see me. If I'd known, I wouldn't have turned down an orgy just to be here."



The room fell strangely silent and everyone's faces looked even stranger. Brian was about to comment on it, using his usual charming sarcasm, but Justin figured it was time to make his presence known.



"Hey Brian," he said, almost in a whisper.



Brian quickly turned his head to look to his right and it was almost as if the world froze around him. Even the faint smile disappeared from his face. His expression was completely unreadable. There was no way to know what he was thinking or feeling. He just stared into Justin's blue eyes, not even blinking.



"Justin," he finally breathed in a low but nervous voice. "I... what... when did you..." He paused for his own sake, swallowing hard. "I didn't know you were coming."



Justin rolled his lips into his mouth, looking guilty as hell, but before he had a chance to say anything, Debbie beat him to it.



"Well, if you used your brain instead of your dick every once in a while and picked up the damn phone to call him, you'd know." Deb commented bitterly with her hands on her hips. "Not to mention you're late as usual! It's Christmas, for Christ's sake."



"Alright, Deb, no need to be so dramatic." Brian huffed out a laugh, trying to appear calm and not show that he was completely thrown off by Justin's presence. Sure, he was failing, but he was trying. He then looked back at Justin, obviously still unsure of what to say, so he said the only thing that made sense at the moment. "Well, I'm glad you're here."



Justin flashed him a small nervous smile. "Yeah, me too," he replied softly.



Brian kept his eyes on him for a moment, making Justin's heart beat even faster. There was so much Justin wanted to say to him, starting with one big passionate kiss that would take Brian's breath away, but he knew he had to be patient. This was a conversation they needed to have in private. But he'd be lying if he said he wasn't terrified of what Brian had to say.



"So can we finally eat now? I'm really fucking starving here." Hunter complained.



"Watch your mouth, young man," Debbie smacked him on the back of the head.



Everyone laughed, even Brian and Justin, who were probably grateful to Hunter for saving a potentially awkward situation. Also, Hunter wasn't the only one who was starving, so it only made sense that they all immediately attacked the food. Justin grabbed his plate and went to sit on the couch, but he was so nervous he could barely eat. He just kept glancing at Brian, who seemed to be avoiding any eye contact. This was not how Justin had imagined it when he was sitting on the plane. He needed to see at least a hint that Brian was happy to see him or he was going to lose his damn mind.



"Eggnog, anyone?" Ben asked from the kitchen.



"Yes, please!" Justin answered quickly and rose from his seat. He needed something to calm his nerves, even if it was just eggnog. Maybe if he drank a lot of it, he'd at least be somewhat drunk. Which was probably a terrible but desperate idea.



"Here you go." Ben handed him the glass with a smile.



"Thanks." Justin smiled back and practically downed the glass.



"Jesus, easy, Justin." Ben laughed. "It's actually got alcohol in it, you know that, right?"



"Mh-hm." Justin hummed in response. "More, please."



Ben arched his eyebrows in amusement, but figured Justin probably needed it and refilled his glass. He wasn't even surprised when Justin drained the glass again. "Better?" He asked with a chuckle.



"Depends, is Brian still pretending I don't exist?" Ben rolled his lips into his mouth and didn't know how to respond. "Sorry," Justin apologized, realizing that Ben didn't deserve to be dragged into their drama.



"Just take it easy on the eggnog." Ben smiled. "And Merry Christmas."



"Merry Christmas to you, too." Justin replied



Justin rolled his eyes with a sigh, feeling like an idiot. He wasn't handling this very well, he expected Brian to be distant but not cold. But to be fair, he could only imagine what was probably going through Brian's head right now. He was probably freaking out more than he was, he was just better at hiding it.



"One more drink won't kill me," he muttered to himself as he looked at the eggnog and refilled his glass once more.



"Are you planning on drinking it all, or do you think you'll share it?"



Justin froze and his heart skipped a beat. He then slowly looked up and his eyes immediately met Brian's. Was the eggnog that strong or had Brian actually finally found the courage to talk to him?



"Um, you want some?" He asked as he tried to hold it together.



"Sure, as long as it doesn't taste like shit like the one last year," he let out a laugh.



"I heard that!" Debbie said as she walked by.



"Good, I wasn't trying to be quiet," Brian smirked.



Justin almost giggled, but then he remembered that he was kinda mad at Brian, so he suppressed it. He then grabbed a glass and filled it with eggnog, giving it to Brian. "It's pretty good," he told him with a smile.



Brian took a sip and licked his lips. Justin immediately felt it in his crotch. Not that he was some horny teenager, but it had been three months, Jesus Christ. "Mm, not bad. Pretty strong, even."



"Told you." Justin chuckled.



"Yeah, I guess you did," Brian gave him a smile. "No wonder you're on your third glass."



Justin bit the inside of his cheek to stop himself from smiling. Brian seemed to be paying more attention to him than he thought, and it gave Justin such a warm feeling inside. He wasn't quite sure what to say, though, but knowing Brian, he probably didn't even want him to comment.



"Um..." Brian cleared his throat nervously. "Why didn't you let me know you were coming? I would have picked you up at the airport."



"Seriously?" Justin couldn't help but scoff in amusement. "You haven't answered any of my calls in the last two months." He said it a little more harshly than he'd intended, but he had every right to let it show that he was hurt.



"Uh, yeah, I've been a little busy, with Kinnetik, the reopening of Babylon, and... well, other stuff." He shrugged slightly, not really looking Justin in the eye.



Justin had expected Brian to come up with some lame excuses so that he wouldn't have to admit that he was suffering without him, but it only made Justin angry. He didn't know if it was the eggnog, but he suddenly felt the need to be honest and not pretend that this wasn't killing him.



"Brian, just cut the crap," he snapped. "I know what you're doing. You're pushing me away. Again."



Brian sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm just doing what's best for you."



Justin couldn't believe his own ears. "You sound like a broken record. When the fuck are you going to realize that what's best for me is you?"


Brian opened his mouth to say something, but apparently changed his mind at the last moment. "Let's just talk later, okay?"



Justin huffed out a breath as he watched Brian walk away from him. This was definitely not how he wanted things to go. And the fact that Brian wanted to talk, which had probably never happened before, scared the living shit out of Justin.



"Merry Christmas, Brian," he whispered to himself as he poured himself a fourth glass of eggnog.

--

Justin grinned stupidly as he watched Brian play with Gus, tickling him and making him giggle. Don't get him wrong, he was still mad as hell at Brian, but he had to admit that watching him enjoy time with his son was beautiful. Also, he was really starting to feel the eggnog, which probably wasn't a surprise considering he was sipping on his fifth glass. He knew he was going to regret it in the morning, but he didn't give a fuck at the moment, he needed to numb his mind and it was working. He would do anything to not have to admit to himself that he might lose Brian for good. He wasn't ready for that. God, how could he ever be ready? Brian was his world. Without him, nothing mattered. Fucking nothing mattered.



"Having fun, honey?" Melanie asked as she sat down next to him.



Lindsay sat on his other side with Jenny Rebecca in her arms. "Looks like he's having a great time," she nodded toward his half empty glass with an amused look on her face.



Justin sighed, looking at them both. "I'm pathetic, aren't I? It's Christmas and all I can do is sit here and get drunk on eggnog because the man I love is acting like his stubborn self again and thinks he's doing me a favor by keeping his distance from me."



"Should I just kick his ass?" Melanie suggested with a wicked smile. "I mean, I've been wanting to do that since forever."



Justin huffed out a laugh. "Thanks, but no. I don't think it would make a difference. It would be great to see it though," he couldn't help but add.



"Have you tried talking to him?" Lindsay asked.



"Mmm, he didn't say much. Just that he's doing what's best for me. And that we'd talk later."



"Shit." Melanie muttered. "Brian Kinney wants to talk, that's a first."



Justin felt his stomach tighten and took another sip.



"I don't think that's helping, honey," Lindsay commented. "Maybe I can try talking to him? Try to knock some sense into him? Tell him not to be an idiot? Sometimes he listens to me," she smiled.



"I appreciate that, and I love you both, but... this is something I have to deal with myself. I just hope it's not too late," he whispered, smiling at Jenny Rebecca in her cute outfit. "Gosh, she's really adorable... and beautiful."



"Like her mama." Lindsay replied, giving Mel a loving look.



Justin immediately noticed the way the two were looking at each other and figured he should leave them alone so he wouldn't ruin their moment. After all, Christmas was all about these moments. About friends and family. About being with the ones you love. Even if sometimes the one you love acts like an idiot.



He excused himself and headed upstairs to the bathroom, the eggnog was too much for his bladder, maybe even his stomach, because he felt slightly sick, but nothing he couldn't handle. He rinsed his face with cold water to help. And he had to laugh out loud when he noticed the ornament on the door. It was Santa's ass and his balls were hanging down. The sign said "Go ahead... jingle my bells". Maybe he was just drunk, but he found it fucking hilarious. He was sure Emmett must have put it there.



Still laughing, he opened the door, ready to go back downstairs to join the others, but nearly had a fucking heart attack when Brian appeared right in front of him.



"Jesus, you scared the crap out of me!" he grabbed his chest, clearly startled.



"Sorry, I didn't know you were in there."



"It's okay, I... wait, what happened?" He noticed the wet dark stain on Brian's shirt.



"Gus accidentally pushed me and I spilled mulled wine on myself... and well, it was fucking hot. Not to mention I ruined my favorite shirt."



"Take it off. Quick." Justin ordered without hesitation.



"What?" Brian raised an eyebrow, looking amused but intrigued.



"Take it off." Justin repeated with a chuckle. "I'll be right back."



Justin quickly ran downstairs to grab a baking soda from the kitchen and headed back to the bathroom. Brian was already half-naked, and for a moment Justin forgot what he actually wanted to do as he examined Brian's body. He was fucking gorgeous. And Justin, drunk and horny at the moment, had a hard time containing himself.



"Baking soda?" Brian asked. "What the hell are you planning on doing with that?"



"It works wonders on stains."



Brian arched his eyebrows again, holding in his laughter. "You know, I can just buy a new shirt, Justin."



"Shut up and give me the shirt."



Brian figured he should listen and did as he was told. Justin immediately mixed baking soda with a small amount of water and applied it to the stain.



"Now what?" Brian was curious.



"Now we need to let it sit for 15-20 minutes."



"Sounds like a hell of a lot of fun," Brian chuckled to himself and sat on the edge of the tub. "I didn't know you were so... resourceful."



"There's still a lot you don't know about me." Justin replied playfully. It was almost as if they had both momentarily forgotten that their future together was very uncertain.



Brian laughed at that and crossed his arms over his chest, but quickly hissed in pain. "Shit," he muttered.



"What?" Justin immediately asked, sounding worried.



"I told you, it was fucking hot."



Justin hadn't noticed at first, but now he could see that there was a slight red spot on Brian's chest. So he took a washcloth and soaked it in cold water. Initially he wanted to give it to Brian to put on his chest, but he figured this was his opportunity. So he stood close to him, really close, like he was fucking standing between his thighs, and gently pressed it to his chest himself. He could tell Brian was getting nervous, almost like he didn't know what to do with his hands or his eyes. He was swallowing hard and breathing heavily. Even Justin himself wasn't immune to what was happening and his heart was pounding like hell. He wanted so badly to just kiss Brian. To feel his hands on his body. To feel Brian inside him. It had been so fucking long since any physical touch and it was driving Justin absolutely insane.



"Better?" He asked him softly, licking his lips slowly.



"Yeah." Brian breathed out. "I always told you you had magic hands."



Justin laughed and couldn't stop himself from running his fingers through Brian's hair. Brian seemed to hold his breath as he looked into Justin's eyes and before they both knew it, he had his hands on Justin's hips. Justin sighed happily and pressed even closer to Brian.



"God, I missed this," Justin whispered. "I missed you. So fucking much."



Brian's lips parted and he took a deep breath. "Justin, you're drunk... and we... we shouldn't..."



Justin put a finger to his lips, whatever Brian was trying to say, he didn't want to hear it. "Shhh, not now," he told him with a smile. "I want you. I want you with me, on me, inside me. All the fucking time."



Brian groaned, his grip on Justin's hips tightening. They were both barely breathing as they moved closer together, both clearly needing to finally kiss.



But it was like the whole fucking universe was trying to stop them from doing so, because the bathroom door suddenly flew open and Emmet rushed in.



"Put your dicks away, I really need to pee," he informed them, already unzipping his fly.



"Jesus fucking Christ, Honeycutt!" Brian yelled. "We don't need to witness this."



"Then leave," he pointed to the door, clearly not joking.



They exchanged glances and both quickly left the bathroom, leaving Emmett to do his business. Justin actually couldn't stop laughing, which eventually made Brian laugh as well. But once the laughter faded, they just stood there, looking at each other, both obviously thinking about what had just happened and could have happened.



"So," Justin started. "Maybe we could..."



Suddenly the bathroom door opened again and Emmett walked out, visibly relieved. "God, that was really close," he chuckled. "Sorry for the interruption, you two can get back to whatever you were doing," he winked at them.



Justin was more than ready to get right back to it, but he could just tell from Brian's face that he didn't feel that way.



"Actually," Brian cleared his throat and turned his attention to Emmett. "Do you think you could lend me the least crazy shirt you own? If that's even possible."



"I'm sorry, but do you know who I am? I have the best fashion sense. Everything I own is fucking fabulous."



Brian rolled his eyes, already regretting asking, but he didn't have much choice, he didn't want to spend the rest of the evening half naked. Well, under different circumstances he wouldn't have minded, but that was beside the point. "Let's just find one, shall we?"



Emmett hesitated for a moment because he could see how disappointed Justin looked and somehow he could tell that this wasn't so much about the shirt as it was about Brian trying to get away from Justin. But he figured it was none of his business, no matter how much he loved them both. "Mmm, yeah, sure. Come with me to my lovely bedroom," he told him, sounding a little too excited. After all, it wasn't every day that the famous Brian Kinney visited his bedroom.



"Just don't get any funny ideas." Brian warned him and followed him to his room.



Justin sighed in frustration. He really thought he and Brian were getting somewhere, because for a moment the ice around Brian seemed to melt slightly, and Justin was sure that was a good start. But right now he didn't think he could be more wrong and it made his heart crack a little bit.



And he needed some time alone to process it, so he hid in the bathroom while he made sure the stain didn't remain on Brian's shirt. At least he had something else to think about, and he was quite proud that the baking soda had actually worked. He'd love to see the look on Brian's face, because knowing Brian, he sure didn't believe it would work. Brian had trouble believing a lot of things, like the fact that Justin truly loved him and didn't give a fuck about anything other than being with him. But talking to Brian was like talking to a brick wall.



He then figured he couldn't hide in the bathroom all night and found the courage to finally come out. He paused at the top of the stairs to take a few deep breaths and put a smile on his lips. He didn't want anyone to see how sad he was and he certainly didn't want to ruin Christmas for others with his depressed mood.



"There you are, Sunshine! I was worried about you. Is everything all right?" Debbie hurried over to him, concern on her face.



"Yes, Deb, everything's fine. I was in the bathroom saving Brian's shirt."



"Oh, really? What a fucking sweetheart you are," she told him as her eyes were fixed on Brian, making sure he heard her. "If I were you, I'd burn that shirt."



"Deb," Justin sighed. "I know you're trying to help, but... just let it go, okay? Please?"



Debbie was famous for wanting to solve everyone's problems, but sometimes it was really unwanted, like right now, and she seemed to understand. "Okay, honey, but just say the word and I'll kick him in the fucking balls."



"I know you will." Justin smiled and kissed her cheek.



He then made his way into the kitchen, he couldn't even look at the eggnog anymore, it made his stomach turn, one more glass and he would definitely throw up, but he sure as hell needed something else, something stronger. Not that he'd become an alcoholic overnight, but he just knew he wouldn't survive this night sober.



"Christ, where's some booze?" He muttered impatiently.



Suddenly he heard someone clearing their throat behind him and turned to see who it was. It was Hunter. And he was holding a bottle of whiskey. Just what Justin needed. But he didn't like the look on Hunter's face.



"Looking for this?" Hunter tried to keep his voice low, but he looked amused. "I'm saving it for later, but I can share if you want."



Justin scoffed. "Aren't you a little young to be drinking this?"



"You're like three years older than me... but if you're not interested..."



"Wait... just come here... and don't let your dads see us, I don't want to get murdered."



This was probably a new low for Justin, drinking in secret with Hunter, but it was better than the alternative, which involved staring longingly at Brian.



"Please, they're harmless. Besides, I used to fuck guys for money... drinking alcohol isn't such a big deal."



Justin raised his eyebrows, but didn't say anything. Then he poured them both a glass and they both downed it immediately. Justin looked over his shoulder to make sure no one was paying attention and poured them another.



"Christ, this shit is strong." Hunter said, grimacing.



"Mmm." Justin hummed and poured himself a third drink.



"Wait, what about me?"



"You've had enough. Now go back to being a good boy."



"Come on, that's not fair. I found it first."



"Jesus, fine, one more, but then you're done," Justin warned him.



"Christ, Brian really needs to fuck you, you're no fun."



"Do you want that drink or not?" Justin barked.



"Duh!"



Justin rolled his eyes and refilled his glass. He then finished his drink, and even though he knew he shouldn't, he poured himself one more. He was fine at first, but this was a lot stronger than the eggnog, so it made sense that he felt it a lot faster. He didn't feel completely drunk, but he definitely wasn't sober either. And he started to feel hot, like uncomfortably hot. It was like his body was on fire, and he actually had to step outside onto the porch to get some fresh air.



The night seemed so quiet and so peaceful. Justin had to smile as he watched the snow fall. He actually felt the Christmas spirit more in that moment than he had all evening. Even the cold felt really nice at first, but eventually he started shivering and had to hug himself to keep warm, but he just wasn't ready to go back inside. It was just too hard to be around Brian. He'd rather spend the rest of the night building snowmen than endure another painful moment where Brian did everything he could to avoid him.



And the thought actually made his eyes fill with tears, he just felt so helpless inside. Was this really it? Was Brian really going to give up on them? Were they doomed to fail from the start? Seven months ago they were just one step away from getting married, and now Justin was living alone in New York, trying to make a name for himself, convincing himself that this was the way it was supposed to be, even though deep down he was so damn miserable, and Brian was once again building walls around himself, trying not to feel a single thing because in his mind it was the only thing that made sense. And Justin just didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to save them. He couldn't even fathom the idea of his life without Brian in it.



Suddenly he heard the door open and close behind him, and he figured someone had come to check on him to see if he was all right. Probably Emmett or Debbie, and he appreciated it, but he just needed a moment alone with his thoughts.



"I'm fine," he sighed, hoping that someone would take the hint and leave him alone.



"Sure you are," Brian said, putting a blanket around Justin's shoulders. "Are you trying to freeze to death?"



Justin had to blink several times to make sure he was seeing correctly. "No," he breathed.



"Then why the fuck aren't you inside?"



Justin scoffed in amusement. "You can guess, I'm sure you'll figure it out."



"Can you stop being stubborn and just go inside before you get hypothermia?"



"You're kidding, right? I'm the stubborn one?"



"Justin-" Brian sighed.



"What, am I going to get another speech about you doing what's best for me?"



"I am doing what's best for you."



"Bullshit. You know damn well all I ever wanted was to be with you."



"Justin, can we please save that for a time when you're not drunk and hypothermic?"



"I'm not drunk," he muttered angrily.



"You basically bathed in that eggnog... not to mention your little drinking session with Hunter."



Justin immediately shot him a look, surprised that Brian had actually noticed.



"Yeah, you weren't so subtle."



"It's nice to see you still care." He said it a little bitterly.



"I do care, which is exactly why I'm asking you to come inside. Don't make me throw you over my shoulder. Because I will."



Justin actually had to laugh out loud, he'd love to see that. But the thing was, he was starting to get really nauseous and dizzy, so there was a good chance he would throw up on Brian's back. Not that he didn't deserve it, but it wasn't something Justin wanted to remember.



"I'm happy exactly where I am." He smiled drunkenly at him. "But you feel free to go inside."



"Well, as you wish." Brian didn't hesitate and took the necessary step towards him, clearly ready to actually throw him over his shoulder.



But Justin started to giggle and back away.



"What are we, twelve?" Brian arched his brows.



"One of us definitely is," Justin laughed as he kept backing away.



"Justin, can you stop before you break something?"



"Make me," he dared him, with a playful smile.



But it was at that exact moment that he lost his balance as he stepped on the icy part of the porch and immediately fell to the ground on his ass.



"Jesus Christ, are you all right?" Brian immediately rushed over to him. "I told you you were going to break something, for fuck's sake!"



But to Brian's surprise, Justin was laughing hysterically. "I think I broke my ass."



Brian rolled his lips into his mouth and smiled. "You're such a twat."



"That's true, I am." Justin smiled mischievously, and before Brian knew it, the blond grabbed his arm and pulled him down to the ground.



"Seriously?" Brian stared at him in disbelief as they both lay there, pressed together.



"Sorry," he shrugged. "Couldn't help myself."



"Mmmm," Brian chuckled, his eyes suddenly focused on Justin's lips.



And Justin was smiling so wide his cheeks actually hurt. "Just kiss me," he whispered softly.



"Justin," Brian breathed, hesitating. "I..."



"Don't." Justin stopped him. "Whatever you want to say can wait. Just enjoy this moment... with me... and forget about everything else."



Brian took a shaky breath and ran a hand through Justin's hair. His eyes were filled with love and longing. And for that moment, he decided to do what his heart needed and wanted. He slowly closed the distance between them and finally pressed his lips to Justin's. It was a slow and tender kiss that said more than a million words. The kind of kiss you never want to end.

Justin moaned softly against Brian's lips when the brunet suddenly stopped kissing him. It was such a bittersweet kiss. It was as beautiful and breathtaking as Justin wanted it to be, but at the same time, the thought that it could very well be their last kiss ever terrified him to death. He didn't want to think like that, but he just couldn't ignore the feeling in the pit of his stomach, because despite everything he'd drunk tonight and the fact that he was far from sober, he was still very well aware that changing Brian's mind had always been a challenge.



They both gazed into each other's eyes, subtle smiles on their lips, both wanting to say something, but nothing at the same time, because talking meant having to ruin the beautiful moment they had just shared. And neither of them were ready for that. They just wanted to pretend for a little bit longer. But not talking never solved anything, it only delayed the inevitable. And Justin was tired of that, he just couldn't pretend he wasn't falling apart inside anymore. Because that might actually drive him insane.



"Brian-" Justin sighed softly as he lovingly stroked Brian's cheek with his thumb. "Just please talk to me. Tell me what's going on... why are you like this... because I'm literally losing my mind here..." He chuckled nervously, waiting for Brian to say something... something that would give him hope and help him understand.


Brian's lips parted and he drew in a sharp breath and held it for a moment before exhaling again. It was so evident on his face that he hated this too, and he wanted to give Justin all the answers, but he just didn't know where to even start. "I just... I don't want to hold you back, Justin," he said finally, swallowing hard and pressing his lips tightly together as he continued to look into Justin's eyes.



"What?" Justin breathed, blinking a few times. "You are not holding me back," he said firmly, making sure Brian heard it, and preferably got it through his hard skull. "God, you're the best thing that ever happened to me." He smiled widely and grabbed the back of Brian's head, hoping to kiss him again.



But Brian quickly pulled away. "Justin, please... I just..."



"Uh, what the hell are you two doing on the ground?" They heard suddenly and immediately recognized Ted's voice, which sounded very confused. They hadn't even heard the door open.



Brian sighed, closing his eyes for a moment. Justin's frustration was just as obvious. But them being interrupted at moments like this was hardly unusual, so they couldn't even be surprised.



"Well, what does it look like to you, Theodore?" Brian turned his head to look up at him, trying to look amused, but he was actually irritated.



"Like you're having make-out session on the ground when it's literally freezing. I mean, have you guys lost your fucking minds or is this some new kink?" He chuckled quietly.



Brian huffed out a laugh, pinching the bridge of his nose. He could not even answer that. This was really ridiculous.



"We... we fell," Justin was quick to respond, seeing that Brian was about to lose it.



"Actually, he fell... I was merely the victim of his vicious joke." Brian set the record straight.



"Like he said," Justin grinned from ear to ear, hoping Ted would just leave them alone so they could continue their conversation.



"Uh-huh," Ted furrowed his brows. "Well I'm glad you guys made up, it was painful to watch." Neither of them said anything nor looked at him. "Or... not?" He hesitated.



"Just go back to the house, Theodore." Brian told him, his eyes practically begging.



But the door suddenly opened again, and this time Blake came out, immediately looking just as confused as Ted. "Um, what's going on here?" He asked with a laugh as he looked at Brian and Justin.



"Jesus Christ." Brian ran a hand over his face in annoyance. "This just keeps getting better."



"Brian." Justin whispered through his teeth. "Are you guys going somewhere?"



"Uh, yeah, Blake and I were just about to take a little romantic walk around the neighborhood to get some fresh air..." Ted explained. "And that's exactly what we're going to do now, so... have fun," he smiled, grabbing Blake's hand and dragging him away.



Brian laughed at the absurdity of the situation and finally decided to get up off the icy porch. He then offered Justin his hand to help him to his feet as well. And Justin could finally feel the sharp pain, after all he had landed hard on his ass, but that was the least of his worries.



"That was humiliating." Brian chuckled, hoping to lighten the mood.



"Yeah." Justin nodded, but he really didn't feel like laughing. He couldn't get what Brian had said out of his head, and he really hoped Brian would tell him more so he could understand where it was all coming from. But suddenly he felt that the consequences of his drinking tonight were about to hit him hard. He felt really awful, not just faint, but extremely sick to his stomach.



"Hey, what is it?" Brian noticed his expression immediately. "You look like you're going to pass out any second."



"Yeah, I think I actually might..." Justin swallowed and held his stomach. "Fuck, I think I'm going to puke."



"Oh, shit. Okay, let's get you to the bathroom."



"Uh-huh," Justin nodded in response, covering hs mouth. But he quickly realized that walking wasn't going to be easy. "Son of a bitch," he growled.



"Can you walk?"



"Yes. No. I don't know." He whined. "Let's just walk slowly."



Brian couldn't help but laugh a little, but when Justin glared at him, he quickly rolled his lips inward. Then he grabbed Justin around the waist to steady him and helped him inside the house.



"Jesus Christ, Sunshine! What the hell happened to you?" Debbie yelled, looking murderously at Brian.



"Hey, I'm innocent!" Brian held up his hand quickly. "He fell and now he needs to barf, so excuse us," he smiled ironically.



"Thanks for telling them everything." Justin whispered to him as they walked towards the stairs while the others watched the comical situation.



"Well it was either that or let Debbie murder me. I mean, did you see the way she was looking at me?" Brian chuckled.



"Fair enough." Justin acknowledged, laughing through the pain.



Once they were finally in the bathroom, Justin immediately got down on his knees, hugged the toilet bowl, and started throwing up. He hated that Brian was there to witness it, but he didn't have the strength to argue with him to leave, knowing Brian wouldn't do it anyway. And once he was sure he'd gotten it all out, he leaned exhausted against the wall and Brian immediately handed him a glass of water.



"Thanks," he smiled and took a big gulp.



"Sure." Brian replied and sat down on the floor next to him. "Feeling better?"



"Mmm," the blond nodded. "But one thing's for sure, I don't want to see an eggnog for a looong time."



"Yeah, that's probably a good idea." Brian laughed out loud.



Justin smiled and rested his head on Brian's shoulder and Brian put his hand on his thigh, squeezing lightly. They just sat there for a while, not talking or even thinking, just enjoying each other's company. But they both knew they would have to face the issue soon, no matter how much they feared it.



"Where are you going to sleep tonight?" Brian suddenly broke the silence, surprising Justin with his question.



"Debbie said I could stay here in my old room." Justin lifted his head and looked at him. "Why?" His eyes were full of hope.



"I was just wondering if you wanted to come to the loft with me. We can talk there."



Justin felt his heart skip a beat, he loved that Brian wanted him to go to the loft with him, but he couldn't shake the uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach that Brian only wanted privacy to officially break up with him. But whatever was about to happen, he needed to finally face it. After all, he was still holding on to hope.



"Sure," he nodded. "I'd love that."



"Okay," Brian whispered with a smile, looking relieved to hear that. "You wanna go now?"



"Uh, I'm not sure Debbie will agree," he chuckled. "But sure."



They both picked themselves up off the floor and went back downstairs to the others. It was immediately obvious that they were talking about them, but they quickly fell silent when they noticed them.



"You've been up there quite a while." Michael commented with a laugh, making Brian roll his eyes.



"Feeling better, honey?" Debbie asked Justin, stroking his arm.



"Uh, yeah, just my ass hurts, but it's going to be okay." Justin assured her with a laugh.



"Are you sure? You look pale."



"Don't worry, Deb, I'll take care of him." Brian told her.



"You better, considering you're the reason he looks like that."



Brian pushed his tongue into his cheek and as much as he hated to hear it, he knew Debbie was right.



"Deb, come on." Justin was quick to defend him.



"Sorry," she said, realizing she was being a little harsh. "I'm just worried about you, Sunshine, that's all."



"Well, I promise you I'll keep him safe." Brian assured her, squeezing her shoulder.



"Why does it sound like you're going somewhere?" Debbie looked at them questioningly.



"Because we are." Brian grinned at her. "But thanks for the party. Let's do it again next year.



Debbie was already taking a breath, ready to give them a speech, but Justin's eyes silently begged her not to. And thankfully, she quickly understood. "Well then... I hope you two have a great time together."



Brian was surprised by that, but he wasn't going to complain. They then said their goodbyes to everyone and made their way to Brian's Corvette. Justin had a really hard time sitting with his sore ass, but it didn't compare to how hard his heart was pounding the whole ride, he actually thought he might have a heart attack. Brian was quiet the whole time, which didn't help and made him even more nervous, but his own voice was stuck in his throat so he couldn't save the situation. All he could do was sit, grit his teeth and pray.



As soon as Brian stopped the car and Justin saw the familiar building, he was flooded with a feeling of joy he hadn't felt in a long time. He had missed this place so much. No matter how long he had been in New York, this was his home. Right here in the loft.



"God, I can't believe I haven't been here in seven months," he said quietly.



"I know." Brian breathed, his eyes sad. "Time flies."



"Mmm." Justin hummed in agreement.



"Ready to go upstairs?" Brian smiled at him.



Justin looked at him and back at the building, smiling big. "You bet."



Brian let out a laugh and got out of the car, then went to open the door for Justin. And Justin followed him excitedly, even forgetting his pain. He never thought he would be so happy to hear the annoying sound of that old elevator. And seeing the heavy metal door of the loft made him even happier. There hadn't been a single day when he hadn't missed this place, and he simply couldn't wait for Brian to open the door, not knowing how shocked he would be when he finally saw the inside of the loft.



"You... decorated?" Justin breathed in disbelief. "You even have a tree."



"Yeah, what can I say? I really felt the Christmas spirit this year."



Justin chuckled, but didn't buy it for a second. Brian fucking hated Christmas. "I'm shocked."



Brian huffed out a laugh. "Well do you want something to drink to wash the shock down?" He asked, but quickly realized his mistake when Justin looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "Right. We don't want you throwing up again."



"Do you have juice or something?"



"Guava juice?"



"Sure, I'll take that." He smiled.



"Coming right up." Brian pulled a glass from the cabinet and filled it with juice. "Here you go."



"Thank you." Justin took a sip and looked around the loft. He was amazed at how well decorated it was. He couldn't believe Brian had done it himself. It certainly wasn't something he expected Brian to do. But he knew from the girls that Brian wanted Gus to stay with him for a few days, so maybe he just wanted his son to feel Christmassy at his daddy's place.



Suddenly the memory of his last night here flashed through his mind. The two of them together on the couch, making love. He remembered feeling happy and sad at the same time. The smiles and the tears. He remembered how strong Brian was trying to be, but he could tell how much it was killing him. Justin almost didn't leave, not only because he knew how much he would miss Brian, but because he didn't want Brian to be alone. That night was so damn hard, but beautiful at the same time. He couldn't even believe it was seven months ago. And now here he was, facing the possibility of losing Brian for good.



He just kept walking around the loft, taking it all in. He could feel Brian's eyes on him, watching him closely. And he'd be lying if he said there weren't about a million things he wished Brian would do to him right now - in bed, on the floor, in the shower, on the kitchen counter - but he knew the only thing they needed to do now was finally talk.



So he took a deep breath and decided to face it, but at that exact moment his eyes caught something on the coffee table. He picked it up slowly, sure he was just dreaming. But no, it really was what he thought it was. A plane ticket to New York. With yesterday's date on it.



"What's this?" Justin asked. "Were you planning on visiting me?" He smiled, but quickly realized that if Brian had indeed planned to, he had obviously changed his mind at the last minute.



"Uh... you weren't supposed to see that." Brian sighed.



"Why not? Or better yet, why didn't you come? Did something come up?" He asked impatiently.



"I just couldn't, okay?"



"You couldn't?" Justin arched his eyebrow. "You couldn't visit your boyfriend?" He was getting irritated. "Jesus, Brian, we almost got married and now you can't even grace me with a visit! Not to mention the fact that you haven't returned any of my calls! For two fucking months! And don't fucking tell me you were just doing what's best for me."



"I'm doing what's best for the both of us! Jesus fucking Christ." He yelled, pinching the bridge of his nose. He then took a deep breath and looked into Justin's eyes. "I have a life here. You have a life in New York. And no matter how hard we try, it's just not working. And I don't want you to throw away what you've built in New York just for me."



Justin opened his mouth, completely taken aback. But there was only one answer he could give Brian. "Fuck New York."



"What?" Brian breathed out in confusion.



"I fucking hate New York. I want to come home and be with you. Whether you fucking like it or not."



It was safe to say that Brian was at a loss for words.


-

Justin was quite amused by the look on Brian's face. He was surprised, speechless, and probably a little confused. No, scratch that, he was very confused. He probably didn't expect Justin to drop such a bomb on him. And to be fair, Justin himself was surprised at how quickly he blurted it out. Because up until this point, it had just been a thought he'd been toying with in the back of his mind, and he hadn't considered it something that could become a reality. Sure, he missed Pittsburgh and especially Brian, and all he'd wanted to do from the second he left was go back home, but he didn't think he'd actually do it, at least not now anyway. He thought he'd just grit his teeth and try to hang on despite how unhappy he was. But now he knew there was nothing to wait for. New York, as great as it was, just wasn't the place he wanted to be.



"Did you hear what I just said?" Justin asked, seeing that Brian was too stunned to speak.



"I heard." Brian cleared his throat. "You said you hated New York and that you wanted to come home."



"And be with you," he pointed out the most important thing and smiled.



"Right." Brian nodded as he kept staring into Justin's eyes.



"Well, aren't you happy?" Justin chuckled, even though he was freaking out inside.



"Happy? That you want to throw your life away? Why the hell would I be happy about that?" Brian frowned, visibly angry that Justin would even consider such a thing. "Are you fucking crazy?"



Justin scoffed and shook his head. "Are you?" His eyebrows shot up as he genuinely expected Brian to answer. "Like seriously, Brian. Are you out of your goddamn mind? One minute we're almost getting married and the next you won't even answer the fucking phone? What happened to you?"



Brian remained silent, but his eyes spoke volumes. He swallowed the rest of his drink, turning away from Justin and not looking at anything in particular. Then he took a deep breath and turned to face him again. "Every time I wake up, I reach for you... but you're never there and it's killing me... I knew it would be hard, but I didn't expect it to be this hard, and I just... I'd rather not have you at all than just have bits and pieces here and there... it's just never going to be enough..." His voice broke a little.



Justin sighed and took a step closer to him, but he still respected Brian's personal space, even though his first instinct was to touch him. "It'll never be enough for me either, which is why I'm coming back. I wanna be with you. I don't care about anything else. I love you, Brian."



Silence. Fucking again. Justin would literally kill to know what Brian was thinking. But his expression was so blank. It made Justin incredibly uncomfortable. He might even throw up again.



Then Brian finally spoke. "Don't be stupid, Justin. This is your huge opportunity to become a big fucking success. Just like you've always dreamed and like I always knew you could be," he smiled, pulling his lips together. "Don't throw it away for me." It was the 'for me' that he put the most emphasis on. Like he didn't even believe he was worthy of Justin's love.



"Are you listening to me, Brian? I don't care about fucking success!" Justin was now angry too. It was like talking to a brick wall. It was pointless and frustrating. But he wasn't going to give up. "I want us to be together."



"Are you listening to yourself, Justin?" Brian snapped at him. "You want to give up what you've worked so hard for, for a relationship! That's not how it works. You don't give up. Not for me, not for anyone. You deserve to live your dream and have people admiring your work..."



"I'd rather have you admiring my ass." Justin couldn't help but smile.



That seemed to break the ice a little bit. Brian chuckled, despite himself. "I've been admiring your ass for five years... and believe me, I could do it for another fifty, but... not at the cost of you giving up your dreams to be with me. I'm a lot of things, but selfish isn't one of them. I won't let you throw your life away for me. I won't let you make that sacrifice."



"You won't let me?" Justin scowled, laughing in amusement. "I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions, thank you very much."



"And yet here you stand, trying to convince me that us being together is more important than your happiness."



"Jesus fucking Christ, can you just stop for one fucking second and actually listen to what I'm saying? You are my happiness! Not New York, not painting, not fucking success... you, Brian Kinney. You! It's always been you."



Brian swallowed as he suddenly felt a lump in his throat, his heart speeding up a little.



Justin continued. "You don't get to decide this for me," he stood his ground. "I'm not a kid anymore, Brian. I'm an adult -"



"Barely," Brian remarked, even though he knew very well that Justin was mature for his age.



Justin ignored that and carried on with his speech. "I can make my own decisions. Decisions that you may not like or agree with. And that's fine. I don't agree with a lot of things you do, but... I respect them. Because that's what a relationship is about. We respect each other. We communicate and work things out. We don't just disappear because we're afraid of the future..."



Brian huffed out a laugh, seeing where Justin was going with it. Yes, he did kind of disappear, because he was scared as hell, but he sure wasn't ready to admit it out loud.



Justin seemed to really consider his next words before he spoke them. "But... if you don't want us to be together, then I guess I'm going to have to respect that, even if I hate it... but you should know that I'm coming back no matter what, so don't think you're doing me any favors by pushing me away so I can stay in New York, because it won't change anything... so if you have any other reason why you want us to break up, tell me now..." Justin met his eyes, trying to hold himself together as he waited for a response.



Brian opened his mouth to say something smart, something Brian-like, but of course he fucking knew there was no other reason. He just didn't want Justin to make sacrifices for him, and he didn't want to live in a relationship that seemed to have no future. Seeing Justin only when they were lucky enough to find time in their schedules, hearing his tired voice on the phone late at night because he was too busy during the day... that just wasn't enough. It was torture. Being away from Justin and grasping at every moment he could spend with him or talk to him was pure agony. It was better to let him go. Not better, but easier. Even if it felt like poison in his veins.



But here was Justin, declaring his love and wanting nothing more than to be with Brian. It seemed too good to be true. Because why would Justin want to be with him and not in New York, living the dream? But maybe it was time for Brian to acknowledge that the blond had indeed made up his mind.



So he asked, "What if... what if you end up hating me?" That was a valid question, if you asked him.



Justin just stared at him for a moment, his lips pulled tightly together. "There's too much love between us for me to ever feel hate for you. I might hate you if you don't shut up about New York and fucking success..." He laughed and continued. "But I can never hate you for something I decided for myself. I know what I want, and it's definitely not in New York. It's right here in front of my eyes... you're the love of my life, Brian. Nothing will ever change that."



Brian let out a shaky breath, his heart racing at Justin's words. It was like he couldn't even believe it. Why would anyone love him this much? Especially someone like Justin? Even after all these years, he still couldn't quite wrap his head around it. It seemed surreal to him. Yet it gave him the courage to say the next thing. "I, uh, I kept Britin..."



"What?" Justin's blue eyes widened. "You did?" His face broke into a giant grin.



"Mm-hm," Brian nodded. "I thought if you ever came back... you'd want us to live there."



This time it was Justin who was too stunned to speak, but he forced himself to. "Does that mean...?" He was afraid to even finish the sentence, but he sure was hopeful.



Brian pushed his tongue into his cheek, taking his sweet time, which made Justin impatient as fuck. "That if you're really sure - like a million percent sure - we could start moving in next week." He smiled at his words, because he honestly never thought he would say them.



Justin smiled big, feeling like he could breathe again. This was an even better outcome than he had hoped for. Unable to hold himself back any longer, he immediately closed the distance between them and threw his arms around Brian's shoulders. He just looked at him, taking it all in, feeling like the luckiest boy in the world.



"You know, I could kill you for ignoring my calls," he told him after a moment, jabbing a finger into his chest.



"But you won't?" Brian arched his brows, lips pulled together as he wrapped his arms around Justin's waist.



"I don't know, haven't decided yet," Justin shrugged, thinking about it. "Maybe later."



"Oh... and what are we going to do until then?" He smiled, his eyes dark with lust and longing.



Justin immediately understood where he was going with it. "I don't know. Do you have any ideas?" He asked, staring at Brian's mouth as he bit his bottom lip.



"How's your ass?" Brian grinned.



"Still tight," Justin replied proudly.



Brian huffed out a laugh. "I've got no doubts about that, but..." He licked his lips slowly. "I meant after that little fall you had earlier."



"Oh," Justin giggled. "I don't even feel it anymore."



"Is that so?" Brian laughed, not entirely convinced. "Or are you just horny?"



"Well, in my defense, I haven't been fucked in three months. So yeah, I have my needs."



Brian furrowed his eyebrows at that confession. "Wait, you haven't..."



"No." Justin shook his head.



Brian bit the inside of his cheek, trying to hide his smile. "What, no one interesting? Or do New York men have small dicks?"



Justin laughed and gently punched Brian in the shoulder. "There's only one dick I'm interested in," he smiled, squeezing Brian's bicep.



"Huh." Brian pressed his tongue to his cheek. "That's funny, because I'm only interested in one particular ass. What a coincidence."



Justin smiled uncontrollably because it almost sounded like, "Wait, you mean...?"



"That I've done some thinking and come to the conclusion that maybe I'm too old to fuck around."



"Brian, you're not old... and you love to fuck around... I don't expect you to change that for me. I already told you I love you just the way you are... do what makes you happy."



"Uh, really? Because you make me happy. Does that mean I can do you?"



Justin laughed. "I thought you'd never ask."



Brian smiled and quickly slid his hands down to Justin's ass to pick him up. Justin immediately wrapped his legs around his torso, a happy smile on his face. They just gazed into each other's eyes for a moment before their lips finally met in a deep, lustful kiss. They moaned into each other's mouths and their bodies responded instantly. It felt so fucking good.



"Fuck, I've missed this so much." Brian breathed, his voice heavy and eager.



"Show me." Justin urged him, his dick painfully hard. "Show me how much you missed me," he whispered into his ear, then sucked gently on his earlobe.



Brian smiled and carried Justin into the bedroom. They quickly lost their clothes and Justin lay stretched out on the bed. Brian admired his beautiful body and cock for a moment before laying on top of him. They fit perfectly together. And Brian couldn't get enough of him, it had just been so fucking long. He loved being buried in Justin's body and being without it for so long was like being without oxygen. Pure hell.



He reached between their bodies and palmed Justin's hard-on, enjoying the way Justin immediately responded. "So hard," Brian commented, a horny smile on his lips. "Tell me what you want," he whispered, dragging his teeth over the sensitive skin on Justin's neck.



"Brian." Justin said pleadingly. "You know what I want - what I need," he breathed heavily, already shaking with anticipation.



"I want to hear it." Brian said, squeezing Justin's cock.



"God." Justin's eyes rolled back, he froze for a moment. "I want you to fuck me. I want you to fuck my tight ass," he begged.



Brian knew he was going to say it, but still, it made his dick twitch in response. There was nothing better than seeing how much Justin wanted him and it turned him on so fucking much.



He played with his cock for a moment before he slowly licked his lips and said, "I'm going to fuck you, Sunshine, I'm going to fuck you hard." He grunted and slipped his tongue into Justin's mouth, giving him a breathtakingly hot kiss.



He then reached over to the bedside table and fished out lube and a condom from the drawer. He let Justin put it on him, enjoying his skillful fingers on his sensitive cock and took his time getting Justin ready, gently stretching him open as he pressed kisses on his body. Knowing that Justin hadn't been fucked by anyone in the last three months made him perhaps a little too happy. It was one thing to know that Justin was with someone and to watch it or hear about it later in details that were so hot it made their fucking feel even better, but living in a completely different city without any contact with Justin made the idea of him with another man completely unbearable. It was probably safe to say he didn't feel like sharing Justin anymore. The game had been hot while it lasted, but now he wanted him all to himself. Forever.



"Brian, please." Justin whimpered as Brian's fingers inside him were no longer enough.



"So impatient." Brian replied with a chuckle and kissed Justin on the lips.



"I'm too horny to be patient," he told him and grabbed his ass, pulling Brian between his thighs. "Once I have your cock inside me, I'll feel much better," he grinned, pressing a kiss to Brian's neck.



Brian chuckled and just studied Justin's face for a moment. God, he was so beautiful and he was his. What could be better than that? Absolutely nothing.



And knowing that he himself could no longer hold back, he finally began to push into Justin. And God, the feeling was just overwhelming, it was like fucking fireworks exploding in his body. Justin immediately grabbed onto him and dug his nails into the skin of his shoulder blades, his breathing becoming more urgent. The way his muscles tightened around his cock made Brian gasp and thrust even deeper. How he'd absolutely fucking missed that.



He waited a moment, enjoying the feeling and Justin's perfect body beneath him before he finally started to move. Justin's grip on him immediately tightened and he moaned deliciously into Brian's ear. Brian tried to fuck him slowly, not wanting it to end, but he just wanted him too much. So there really wasn't much he could do to control himself. He just fucked him, hard, deep, fast, loving every second of it. And when he started to get close, he grabbed Justin's throat and squeezed gently, earning lusty moans from him. Each thrust was like a step closer to heaven. And Justin was on his way there with him.



And when Justin finally shot his load all over his stomach, Brian grunted and with a jerk of his hips, he finished too. He then collapsed on top of Justin and buried his nose in his neck, panting heavily. They stayed like that for a few moments before Justin slapped his ass and giggled.



Brian raised his head and looked at him questioningly. "What's up, Sunshine?"



"That was a good fuck." Justin replied, satisfied. "I needed it."



"You and me both." Brian stated and pulled his cock out of Justin and rolled over onto his back. He took off his condom, tied it in a knot and tossed it on the floor next to the bed.



Justin propped his head up and looked at him, looking as happy as ever. "Did you really mean it?"



"Meant what?" Brian rolled onto his side and propped his head up as well.



"About Britin - that we can start moving in next week?"



Brian rolled his lips in and smiled. "Well, were you serious about coming home for good?"



"Obviously."



"Then I'm very serious about Britin. Besides, we need more space to fuck, we've already fucked everywhere here."



"Valid point." Justin acknowledged and giggled with joy, pressing a kiss to Brian's lips. "Sorry I didn't get you a Christmas present."



"I beg to differ. All I wanted for Christmas was you and look - here you are, naked and looking absolutely gorgeous," he bit his lip, looking at him lustfully.



Justin grinned from ear to ear and scooted closer to him. "I really love you."



Brian sighed, and though he wasn't quite used to saying it, he couldn't help himself. "I love you too, Sunshine."



"I know." Justin murmured against his lips and kissed him. "We should probably take a shower."



"Later," he told him, hugging him tightly.



"What, you want us to lie here all wet and sticky?" Justin giggled.



"You got a problem with that, young man?" Brian raised an eyebrow.



"No." Justin shook his head. "Not at all. I'm exactly where I want to be. I'm home."



Brian pulled his lips together. "Yes, you are."