Title: Why Do Boys Have Bumps?
Story Type: AU
Word Count: 728
Rating: NC17
Warnings: None so far
Beta Queen: BigJ52

Summary: Gus asks about the differences between boys and girls…

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, plot, etc. are property of their respective owners, including, but not limited to Russell T. Davies, Cowlip, and Showtime. The author of this story is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended…

Why Do Boys Have Bumps?

“Brian, please pick up. I need to talk with you. Okay, fine. Just call me when you get this message, or better yet just stop by. It’s Lindsay.”

“Brian… Where the fuck are you? I’m making dinner, and I expect you here by seven. I have to talk to you. Later, Lindsay.”

“Brian! Brian, it’s Mel. Get your fucking cock out of his mouth and get your ass over here now. Your son has questions about girls. Now! You asshole.”

“Finally, you show up! Where have you been? Don’t answer that. He’s just finished taking a bath and is getting ready for bed. Why don’t you go and talk with him.”

I just look at Mel and Linds and say, “He has questions about girls and neither one of you could field them? Because you know, I know so much about girls.”

Mel and Linds just look at each other and Lindsay says, “He wants to talk about bumps.”

I just shake my head and start up the stairs. I can hear him in his room, playing with his GI Joes. He looks up at me and is surprised to sees me. He jumps into my arms and says, “Daddy, did you come to play with me and the Joes?”

“Absolutely, Sonny Boy. So what are the boys up to today?”

He starts telling me about guarding the castle and protecting the princess, and the evil monsters that live in the moat.

Then he says, “All the girls in my class want to be princesses.”

I think to myself, yeah, mine too, and a few of the boys too.

“Dad, are there real princesses?”

“Well, yes and no… Some cultures still have royalty running their countries, and some royalty are just very rich, powerful figureheads. And some countries have powerful figureheads that just think they’re royalty. So, there are still some real princesses left in this world, and some who just think they are.”

“Yeah, girls are weird. Why is that, Daddy? Why are girls different?”

“God, Gus if I could answer that question, we’d be royalty.”

“Is it because they don’t have the same bumps we do?”

I knew that was coming. I just didn’t know how he was going to get there.

“Why do boys have bumps?”

“Well Gus, let’s see…”

God! I wish Lindsay had left this part in the message. I could have had more time to think about my answer.

He’s just looking at me, waiting…

Finally he says, “Daddy, your bump’s bigger than mine.”

I just raise my eyebrows and smile then I plant my tongue in my cheek, waiting for something to come to mind.

“Well, Daddy’s are just bigger in general. When you’ve grown up you’ll be tall and strong, much bigger than now.”

Gus is laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

“When you talk your bump bounces up and down.”

“What?”

I check myself.

“I don’t think so, Gus.”

“Yes it is, I can see it. Can I touch it?”

‘”No, Gus. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

‘”Why not? Suzy Martin said she touched her dad’s and it was really hard.”

“What? Who? Suzy?”

“Yeah, and I touched mine and it was really hard too. Then I touched Suzie’s and it dipped in a little.”

“What?”

He’s only in kindergarten, so I’m having trouble breathing. Gus is just looking at me and says, “Are you okay, Daddy? You look funny.”

I regain my composure and try to figure out where to start when Gus asks, “So why do they call it that?”

“Well…”

“I can’t remember. It was some boy’s name. What is it, Daddy?”

“You mean Dick?”

“No, that’s not it.”

“There are a lot of nicknames, Gus.”

“Why?”

“There just are.”

“Oh, I know, I know. It’s somebody’s apple.”

“Apple? You mean Adam’s apple?”

“Yeah, daddy, that’s the name. So why don’t girls have Adam’s apples?”

I’m sitting on the floor already, so when I simply fall over and start laughing, Gus does the same, saying, “Girls are funny, huh?”

Then he says, “So you have names for other bumps, Daddy?”

Now my sides are starting to hurt I’m laughing so hard. I press my forehead to his and say, “Yeah, but we’ll talk about that when you’re older. It’s time to go to sleep now”

“So Daddy, are boys just bumpy?”

“Pretty much, Sonny Boy… “

The End…