The Christmas Eves

Prologue: “Remember Last December”

December 24, 2008

Brian was coming out of Wong’s Take-Out when he ran into a person he wanted to turn and run away from. But, the surprise kept him motionless. So he stood there, hands trembling, heart beating wildly, snow falling steadily, cool on his flushing face.

“Hey, Mikey,” Brian finally managed to get out of his mouth. He hoped like hell that the quiver in his voice was only noticeable to him.

Mikey looked at him speculatively, eyeing him from head to toe before giving Brian a small smile. “Hey, um, how are you?” His words were rushed and he gasped and blushed as soon as he said them.

Brian was tired. He’d been tired for a year now. Constantly. He just wanted to go back to the loft and pretend that everything in his life was perfectly fine. Just as he’d been doing for the last year. He was only tired, that was all that was wrong in his life. Or so he told himself.

He was just starting to turn away when he felt a hand touch his arm, trying to stop him. He jerked roughly away and glared at Mikey. “Fuck off!” he spat. He really didn’t like being touched, not anymore and especially not when he was tired. Then again, he couldn’t think of a moment when he wasn’t tired.

Michael looked at him with tears springing to his dark brown eyes. “Brian, please, it’s been so long since we’ve even talked.”

Brian softened his gaze for a second before his eyes turned cold. “Go home to your family, Michael.”

“They’re your family too, Brian,” Michael pleaded as he started to walk in step beside Brian.

Brian was doing his best to block out what it was Michael was saying to him, but at the same time, a small part of him wanted someone else to accept that this day wasn’t filled with holiday cheer for everyone. It never would be for him, never again.

“I miss you, we all miss you,” Michael pleaded. “Please come and stop by the house tonight for Christmas Eve dinner.”

Brian wanted to say yes. He wanted the comfort of the family but he couldn’t allow himself to accept the invitation. He was relieved when he reached his car.

“I love you, Brian,” Michael said desperately.

Brian looked down at his old friend and pushed him away from him. Michael slid on the snowy sidewalk a bit and gave Brian a completely defeated look. He quickly got into his car, started the ignition, and pulled out before Michael could think about hopping in beside him. The Chinese food started to smell up his car and he felt his stomach start to rumble as a day’s worth of hunger hit him.

Brian tried not to think about the past and what Michael and the idea of his family represented to him. Nevertheless, images still passed through his brain. He should have known better than to think he would be spared the pain and suffering through the memories of today.

“Son of a bitch!” he yelled out into the interior of his car as he missed the exit for the turn off for the loft. “Fuck!”

Brian pulled off at the next exit, intending to turn around there. However, when he pulled off and took the first right to turn around, the site that came into view on the right was the last thing he wanted to see. Brian felt something from inside of him, pulling him toward the open iron gates. He fought with his mind but somehow insanity won out and he drove his car into to the entrance of the Rose Wood Cemetery.

He drove up the snow covered road that ran in the middle of the two grassy areas of the small cemetery. He’d never been there before, but he easily found the large marble angel he’d been told the plots were under. It was nearly dark, but the angel glistened and seemed to glow from the wet snow hitting and sliding off its perfectly carved curves.

Brian sat in the Vette for a few moments. Once again he fought with his tumbling emotions, wondering if he should indeed get out of the car. He wasn’t sure he could handle it, but he couldn’t deny the feeling that something, or probably more accurately, someone had led him there.

He left the ignition running and climbed out of his car slowly. The wind hit him and chilled him to the bone as he started walking up toward the statue. He walked around gravestones that had wreathes and little Christmas trees or flowers on or around them. More guilt over-powered him because he did not have gifts of his own to offer. Of course, he never intended on going to the cemetery. But it did seem inevitable now.

He stopped in his tracks when he read the name on the middle and largest of the three headstones: Kinney. Brian noticed that there were fresh flowers laid on all three of the graves and various footprints in the snow surrounded them. He felt relieved to know that the family had probably been out there earlier that day. They hadn’t forgotten no matter how much he tried to forget they’d ever lived.

Snow had built up and covered a lot of the writing on the stones so he dropped to his knees and brushed it off the left one first. Reaghan Taylor Kinney. The middle one came next, Justin Taylor Kinney, then the one on the right, reading Zaira Taylor Kinney. Brian read over the small inscriptions and the words jumbled together: brother, son, sister, daughter, friend, father and husband. At first, the words were unrecognizable to his brain. However, his heart overpowered his mind and he couldn’t hide what the names meant to him any longer. The names etched into the tombstones were real. Real names that belonged to people that he had refused to recognize the entire last year of what was left of his life.

Brian felt himself start to shake from the inside out. He suddenly had the very real urge to scream. He wanted to scream the way he did that night he received the phone call from Debbie. But he didn’t, he couldn’t do that to this place where his children and husband were at rest.

He wanted to say something to them. He just wanted to talk to his family, something he had not done in a year’s time. Brian didn’t know if they could hear him, or even if they wanted to after the way he’d behaved. However, he needed to talk to someone and he’d always been able to talk to his husband about everything.

“I’m sorry I didn’t bring you any flowers, Justin,” he started. “I didn’t know I was coming here though. I...I never could before. I didn’t even mean to come here today but I think you were leading me here,” Brian spoke softly. He looked at Justin’s name spelled out and focused on the letters, seeing in his mind's eye all the signatures he’d seen on notes, sketches and paintings.

“Do you know how much I miss you?” he asked. “No, I guess you don’t because I don’t ever talk to you. I’ve been pretending, Justin. I’ve been pretending that you and the kids have been visiting your mom. I guess you aren’t coming back, are you? You were always the one that believed in Christmas Miracles, not me.”

Brian shifted around on the cold snowy ground and placed his nearly numb hands onto Justin’s stone. “I am so sorry. I know that you’ll never forgive me. I know that, but I am. If only I’d have listened to you and met you at Deb’s, as I should have, you… you wouldn’t be… dead. Our children would have had their chance to live. I hate myself for what I did. I hope that one day you will forgive me for that. But I don’t think I ever will.”

Brian crawled toward his son’s stone, kissed his fingertips and placed them on the ‘R’. “I love you, Reaghan. I’m sure Daddy is taking care of you but I still want you to keep an eye out on your big sister and him too. You always made me very proud and I’m so sorry that I missed your play at school. I shouldn’t have missed it.” Brian pressed his face to the freezing marble briefly before crawling over to his daughter’s stone.

“Zaira, my little princess. I miss you so much. I miss all of you every single second of each day. I’m going crazy without you around asking me to play. I’m sorry I missed your recital too. I want you to know that I will always love you. Take care of Daddy and your little brother for me.” He kissed her marble stone before going back to Justin’s.

“This won’t be the last time I come here. I promise you. You knew when I married you what a selfish asshole I really was, right? But I love you, Justin. You will always be my husband.” Brian brushed back the hair plastered to his face from the wind and snow and wiped at his eyes. “I don’t know if you have any pull up there, Sunshine, but if you and the kids came back to me I’d do anything. I’d be the husband you deserve and the father the kids deserve. I promise you. I’ll never miss a dinner with you ever again.”

Brian had never accepted that his family and children were really gone until the moment he saw their names engraved in the marble stones. This was the reason he had stayed away from them and everyone that had known them. He hadn’t wanted anyone to tell him the truth. Now, he had to deal with it.

Brian was nearly frozen to death when he finally got up to leave. He drove the Vette in the direction of the place he hadn’t been to in exactly one year, his home, or what he’d once considered his home. But now Britin was only an estate.

The snow came down hard on the windshield, making it hard for him to see and navigate the car down the unplowed road. He finally turned onto his street. As he drove past the houses, he noticed that there were Christmas lights decorating and illuminating every house on the street. Even Britin. Brian had no idea how that was possible. The whole house looked the same as the last time he’d left it. He even noticed that there were lights on inside the house. Brian could see the Christmas tree lights were on, illuminated in the living room’s windows.

He didn’t understand how it was possible! No one had been there to turn them on. Or… or had they?

Maybe it’s all been a nightmare. Maybe the last year really didn’t happen, Brian thought to himself as he parked the car. He quickly turned off the car’s ignition and walked as quickly as he could to the door to the house. His frozen hands fumbled with finding the right key and his heart pounded with happiness and hope as he opened the door to his home.

“Justin, Sonny-boy, Princess!” Brian called. He cut the alarm, closed the door and ran quickly into the living room.

All of the ornaments were on the tree! Everything looked just the same. “Hey, Daddy’s home!” he yelled going out into the hall and heading into the kitchen. The Christmas cookies Justin and the kids had made were sitting on the counter in the tupperware containers, waiting to be frosted.

He went out of the kitchen and ran up the stairs and into the hallway, almost tripping over one of Reaghan’s matchbox cars as he went. “Hello, can’t anyone hear me?” he asked, opening the door to Reaghan’s room. His eyes only found the room dark and empty of life.

Brian’s heart hammered in his chest but dropped into his stomach when he flipped on the light and noticed that dust covered everything in the room. “No,” he whispered.

He ran out of the room and went into Zaira’s room. “Zaira,” he whispered, opening the door and finding the room just as dust covered and stale as her brother’s room. “No, this isn’t right. I’ll find you!”

Brian ran up the hall to the master bedroom. “Justin,” he whispered, placing his hand onto the doorknob. He started to turn it but his body wavered, becoming so weak, and he realized he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to open the door.

“It was real,” Brian spoke in a broken sob. “They died.”

He slowly made his way downstairs, feeling the chill in his sopping wet clothes now that his excited adrenaline was leaving him. He looked closer into the living room and saw that the tree, ornaments and lights, were all covered in dust. He walked over to the outlets and pulled the plugs out.

The room went dark and he cursed himself for hoping for something so completely ridiculous. He had kept paying all the bills at the house because it had all automatically been taken out of their bank account. The lights had still gone on to the date and times he had preprogrammed. Brian wished he could still pretend it was all real because those few minutes of hope he had, made his body have real feeling, for the first time in a year.

He walked over to the mantle, flicked the overhead light on and looked at all the picture frames. He and Justin had gotten into photography after Zaira was born. They’d even built a small darkroom in Justin’s studio. His eyes fell upon the photos Justin had framed from their last photo session. The kids were natural born hams; they loved all the attention Brian and Justin gave them during the picture taking and were such good models that Justin would often paint from the pictures they would take.

He remembered the large albums, filled with their memories sitting on the bookcase near the fireplace and walked over to retrieve them. He blew the dust off them and cradled them against his chest.

He then, took a deep breath and headed upstairs. As scary as it was, he knew that he needed to go into the master bedroom to look at them. It had been the last place he’d been with his entire family. He had to be there now if he was going to relive the memories of them.

He couldn’t ignore what they meant to him any longer.

 

The Christmas Eves

Chapter One: Black Friday

Friday, November 23, 2007

“Hello!” Brian yelled after he shut the front door. He didn’t hear anyone so he walked toward the back of the house. It was a nice day for late November. It hadn’t even snowed yet that year, which was very odd. It probably meant that when it did snow, it would be even worse than normal.

He crossed through the kitchen, smelling something delicious cooking in the oven. He’d worked through his lunch break so that he could get home early… however, he probably wouldn’t be able to stay to taste the delicious dinner he knew Justin was preparing.

He walked toward the French doors to the backyard and saw Justin with the camera taking pictures of the kids who were rolling around in two big piles of leaves. He opened the door and immediately their laughter hit him.

Justin walked around taking snapshot after snapshot. “Reaghan, don’t put the leaf in your mouth! We already took the silly pictures,” he told the 3-year-old. “I want this to be a nice picture.” Justin glanced over at Brian for a moment with a small smile before turning back to the kids. “Thank you, Reaghan.”

Brian walked over to Justin and came up behind the photographer. “Hey.”

Justin turned to look back at him and gave him another small smile. “Hey,” he answered back as Brian hugged him from behind, giving warmth to his chilled body and a kiss to his neck.

The kids then noticed their other father and scrambled out of the leaves to run over to him. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Justin said stopping the dirty kids from launching themselves at Brian.

Brian backed up from their arms but put his hands down and ruffled their heads, “Let me go get changed and then I’ll play with you in the playroom, okay?”

“Play cars, Dada?” Reaghan asked, smiling up at his tall father.

“Sure, kiddo.” He heard Zaira sigh and looked over to see his 5-year-old daughter pouting. “What’s the matter, Zaira?” Brian asked, though he knew what it was.

“I wanna play with Barbies not cars, Dada,” she told him, her lip sticking out even more.

“How about you get out the Barbie car you got for your birthday?” Justin asked her, diffusing the situation.

“Okay,” she smiled, happy that she would be getting some of Brian’s attention too.

Justin frowned to himself. It was getting harder and harder to make up good reasons to tell his children why exactly their father wasn’t home. Zaira and Reaghan often fought over Brian’s time. He was hardly ever home from work before seven lately. The kids missed him and made sure Justin knew it. Justin often wondered how on earth Brian could not see the way he was making his children feel. They didn’t understand most of the time and took their disappointment out on him.

Justin didn’t have anyone to take his disappointment out on. Not anymore. Brian never listened to him, and Justin could barely stand to listen to his husband’s flimsy excuses. There were always more and more excuses as to why work or hanging out with the boys on his only night off was more important than spending time with his family.

Justin was the one who had to absorb his children’s feelings of abandonment. He was the one who had to deal with their bad behavior due to their other father’s disregard of all the times he wasn’t around when he promised he would be. Justin kept it all inside of him. Every angry word his children would shout at him, every fear, every single tear and each expression of disappointment. Only to Justin, his biggest disappointment was himself. He’d stopped standing up to Brian at some point that he couldn’t remember. He was angry and disappointed at himself for choosing Brian as Zaira and Reaghan’s father. He was the only one that saw the tears he cried.

Brian had been a wonderful boyfriend, then husband, and Justin had thought Brian would be the most wonderful father. A year after Kinnetik ranked number five in the Fortune 500 list, and three years into marriage, they decided to try for a baby. After their first attempts, Zaira came along exactly nine months later. Reaghan had been a surprise baby but one who was very welcome. Brian and Justin remained very much in love through those years and doted on one another any time they could.

However, that was up until last year when Justin had lost his job with a failing art gallery and had decided to stay at home, work on his art and take care of Zaira and Reaghan instead of having them in daycare at Brian’s office, the office of Kinnetik that now ranked number two on the list. It had all started then.

Brian was constantly striving for the number one spot, and slowly but surely, Brian’s family eased out of the number one spot in his life. Justin wasn’t sure they were in the top ten anymore. Well, certainly not him.

The last time Brian had fucked him was six weeks ago, and it had been exactly that. Fucking. It had been rough, hard and quick and Justin felt absolutely no connection to his husband. Brian had fallen asleep right after the sex. Justin had lain there for a while trying not to cry. During it, he’d tried to connect with Brian as the older man pounded into him and sucked on his neck. He scrambled to hold Brian’s hands but they’d slip away and grope at a different part of his flesh. Justin only got off because, well, it was Brian and they hadn’t had time for sex recently. Nevertheless, that also meant that he really needed to be prepared more than Brian had taken the time to do. That was the day that Justin decided he needed to do something to change the situation.

Only Justin didn’t know exactly what to do. He was embarrassed to talk to anyone but Daphne. She listened but she didn’t have any problems with her and her husband’s relationship so it was hard for her to give advice when she had not experienced anything like Justin was going through. She lived in Philadelphia for the last year and that was when things had started to get bad. She didn’t realize the extent of it, and Justin still felt uncomfortable telling her all the details.

Now things were even worse.

“Daddy?” Reaghan broke Justin out of his reverie. “Come on!”

Justin allowed his son to take his hand and pull him toward the house. Brian was laughing as Zaira dragged him along. Justin couldn’t recall the last time he’d heard Brian laugh.

“What are you making?” Brian asked as they passed through the kitchen.

“Pot roast and cooked vegetables,” Justin answered, his mood brightening just a little because Brian had actually asked.

“Smells good,” Brian commented as they turned to trudge up the stairs.

Justin didn’t say thank you. He only nodded his head. He thought about the Thanksgiving dinner he’d cooked them the day before and how Brian had been all too eager to get it over with and go into his study to work. He never heard a thank you once from the man. He didn’t expect much at that point, but a tiny bit of acknowledgement for all the hard work Justin put into the meal would have been enough. There had been nothing! So you could see why he didn’t feel the need to actually give a thank you for the tiny compliment his husband provided him.

“Dada, Daddy took pictures of me and Reaghan taking pictures of the stream today!” Zaira informed her father happily.

“Really?” Brian asked and looked at Justin, quirking a brow as if to ask for an explanation.

“I got them those new kid digital cameras for being good when we went into town today,” Justin explained as they reached the top of the stairs.

“You two go wash up and go to your playroom,” Brian told his children. “I’ll come find you after I change clothes.”

“Okay,” the siblings said and ran off down the hall to wash up in their bathroom. They were so excited to spend time with their Dada that they made sure they listened to him and did as he asked. They were always trying to be especially good for Brian in hopes that he would stick around more.

Justin followed Brian into the bedroom. He needed to talk to the man and figured there would be no better time than the present. He also knew that Zaira would take care and make sure that her little brother washed up well enough for playtime. They would both have to have baths after dinner anyway. He’d not had time to get them in the bath that morning. Justin had had more important worries on his mind then.

Brian walked into the bedroom and could feel the tension coming off Justin. His mind, body and soul all felt stressed because of Kinnetik. The last thing he wanted to deal with this afternoon was his husband playing the part of a scorned wife. He knew that was where the tension he felt from Justin would lead, ever more once he told Justin about his dinner meeting with Leo Brown.

Justin went into the bathroom, leaving Brian in the bedroom rustling around in his closet. He turned on the shower and then undressed before getting in under the warm spray. He leaned back against the cool tile wall as the water poured down over him and tried his hardest not to break down and cry. He could still feel the place where Brian had kissed him on his neck. It was the spot of his undoing and usually sent chills through his body. However, it hadn’t that time.

Brian used to come home and if Justin was the first one to see him, Brian would wrap him in his arms and kiss him until they were both panting and aching for bedtime. Over the last year though, it phased from that to quick hugs and pecks on the lips and then to nothing.

Sometimes Justin would go a whole week without feeling Brian’s lips anywhere on his skin, let alone his hands or strong arms around him. He wanted that back, and maybe if he… no. No matter what happened, nothing would change that quickly. He wouldn’t be able to forgive Brian’s abandonment of the last year easily.

Oh, who was Justin kidding? He was still hopelessly in love with the man, no matter the pain he was causing him. It would only take a few words and a few actions for Justin to forgive him and trust the man once again.

Justin turned and started to lather his blond locks of hair with Brian’s shampoo. He normally used the especially made-for-blonds shampoo Brian picked up for him when he shopped at the French Boutique. However, Brian had been forgetting to grab that the last couple of times he’d gone there.

A gust of cool air came into the glass shower enclosure startling Justin, who ducked under the spray of the water and let it run over his face. He wasn’t sure if he’d been crying but that had been happening a lot lately without him knowing it. If he had been, he certainly didn’t want Brian knowing he was. He knew that the man would probably ignore it either way, but Justin still didn’t want his husband to know how vulnerable he felt.

Brian stepped closer to Justin and got under the spray with him. Their naked bodies suddenly pressed together and his husband opened his wide blue eyes and stared at him with a confused expression. “I was dirty,” Brian explained and reached up to help wash the remaining bubbles from Justin’s hair.

Justin closed his eyes as Brian massaged his hair and then turned him around. “You’re supposed to go play with the kids,” Justin reminded him. He stepped away from Brian, grabbed the body soap and squirted it into the loofah as he watched Brian scrub shampoo into his own hair.

Brian closed his eyes; he knew Justin was watching him. “I checked on them before I came in here. Zaira put “Beauty and the Beast” on and their hands are all clean,” he informed the other man as he rinsed his hair quickly.

Justin watched Brian’s beautiful body. It was so hard not to. The water cascaded down the still perfectly toned and perfectly tanned flawless skin of his husband. His husband. Those words didn’t seem right to describe the man before him anymore. Brian didn’t seem like his and the actions Brian portrayed of late weren’t that of a husband.

Brian opened his eyes, smiled at Justin and trailed his eyes down Justin’s body to his soft cock. That surprised Brian. Usually Justin got a hard-on any time he was naked. Or he used to. Brian couldn’t remember the last time they fucked. He figured that the last time they’d had sex had been about two weeks ago. Shit! Brian thought. I can’t believe we’ve gone that long without having sex. It is definitely time to remedy that!

Justin watched as Brian stepped closer to him and took the loofah and soap out of his poised hands. Brian put the bottled soap on the shelf in the wall and then started to run the soapy loofah over Justin’s shoulders, making his dark blond eyelashes flutter.

Brian smirked to himself as Justin leaned toward his touch and their chests pressed together while his hand ran between them, soaping both of their chests. He pressed Justin back away from him a little and ran the loofah down his sternum and over his belly.

Justin had easily lost his baby weight after having Zaira, but after Reaghan Justin struggled with regaining his lithe form and pre-pregnancy weight. Brian was glad that it wasn’t him they’d decided would carry their children, at least for now. He didn’t think he could deal with gaining weight the way Justin had to. Brian thought Justin looked just as beautiful as he did the night he met him. He didn’t look like he’d aged at all. Brian on the other hand knew that there were new wrinkles around his eyes and he had to work out every single day and stick to a strict diet to keep his form.

Brian soaped around Justin’s tummy, hearing the younger man moan in response to his delicate ministrations. Brian was more than happy to see Justin’s cock starting to rise. He dropped the loofah, used his fingertips to circle around Justin’s belly button, and then ran the tip of his pointer finger down along the small, barely visible and only stretch mark Justin had on his abdomen.

Justin felt Brian’s finger pass over his sensitive skin and jumped back away from him. It had been something the man would lovingly caress many times. However, Justin had always felt like it was a scar which made him imperfect. However, before, he didn’t mind when Brian would touch it. “It reminds me that you had my baby inside you,” Brian had told him whenever Justin would get nervous about the scar. Those words usually soothed him and he wouldn’t mind when Brian would touch it. Nevertheless, right now it was the last place he wanted touched by his husband. He already felt vulnerable enough.

Justin looked at Brian who was looking at him with a disbelieving look. He waited just a moment to see if the man would tell him what he always did. However, as usual lately, Brian never said anything. Therefore, Justin quickly opened the shower door and got out, wrapping a towel around his waist.

Brian shut off the water and quickly followed Justin out into the bathroom where his husband was standing there to hand him a towel. “We were just getting to the good part,” Brian said sulkily, taking the towel from Justin’s hands.

Justin grabbed another towel and started to dry his hair off. “You need to get dressed and go play with the kids like you promised them, not me,” Justin told him, walking out of the bathroom and into the bedroom to dress.

Brian followed him and watched as Justin bent down to rummage in one of the drawers and pull out a pair of baggy cargos. He went up behind him and caught Justin from behind. He ground his cock into Justin’s ass cheeks. “I made a promise to play with you when I married you,” Brian whispered into Justin’s ear.

Justin shook himself out of Brian’s hold, “Come on, you can play with me later. I have to get dressed and go check on the roast.”

“Fuck the roast!” Brian said, putting his hands on his hips. “I want to fuck you.”

Justin pushed Brian back from him again and retrieved his underwear from the drawer, “Brian, the kids are waiting on you.”

“We haven’t fucked in like two weeks,” Brian said dejectedly and backed away from Justin. “I never go this long without getting laid,” he scoffed, resigned to getting dressed because Justin had started to put on his own clothes.

Justin rolled his eyes. He wanted to inform Brian that it had been six weeks. Exactly. However, he knew that would only make things worse. Therefore, he continued to get dressed as Brian grabbed his clothes from the closet.

Justin was buttoning up his shirt when he saw Brian emerge from the walk-in closet dressed in a pair of jeans and a sweater and carrying a fresh Armani suit on a hanger and placing it on the bed. “You don’t have to wear a suit, Brian,” Justin said, walking over to him.

Brian sighed. “Actually, I do,” he countered.

“No, Brian. I talked to Ben and Michael today. Jeffrey and Reaghan have to wear suits in the play but it isn’t formal dress or anything. It’s just a small performance of some songs and dances the children learned in the play group,” Justin told him with a silly smile as he thought about how cute the group of children would be.

Brian turned and stared at Justin for a minute before it all clicked in. “What?”

“You can go in those jeans and that sweater, Brian. You’ll be surrounded by 3 and 4-year-olds the whole time. I doubt you want their sure-to-be sticky hands ruining your expensive suit,” Justin laughed.

Brian walked over and closed their cracked bedroom door and turned to Justin who was looking at him curiously. “What are you talking about?”

Justin felt his heart drop into his stomach. It hit him. Brian forgot. Brian actually forgot about their son’s play and probably Zaira’s recital. He could feel his emotions come to the surface but fought them down for the moment. “You forgot,” he said. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement he’d found himself saying way too often as of late.

Brian shook his head and ran a hand through his wet hair. “Right, well you could have reminded me.”

Justin’s eyes got huge. “The kids and I discussed it with you at the dinner table last night.”

“No, you didn’t,” Brian said nearing his angry husband.

Justin stepped up to him, “YES. WE. DID.”

“Fuck, Justin!”

“We all discussed it. They’ve been talking about it for the last month! Both of them. I told you last month when we found out the dates were the same, Brian. You were going to take Reaghan because Michael and Ben will be there with Jeffrey and you’d have someone to hang out with there that you knew! I have to go to Zaira’s recital tonight! Damn it, Brian!” Justin turned around and put his face in his hands while he took deep breaths, desperately trying to calm down.

“I have a meeting with Leo Brown, Justin,” Brian told him.

Justin spun around and faced Brian. “Of course you do!” he spat. “If it isn’t Leo Brown, it’s Eyeconic Optics, Jerry Hughes, Cynthia, Ted, or you have to meet the fucking boys for a drink on your only night off work!”

“You’re still pissed about that?” Brian scoffed. “I played with the kids and tucked them in that night.”

“Actually, Brian, I’m not mad. Because that was you leaving me to be with your friends instead of with me!”

“They’re your family, too,” Brian said.

“Yeah, right. But they aren’t my friends, are they, Brian?”

“I deserve a little alone time away from you and the kids, you know. I need to get away sometimes,” Brian tried to explain.

“You need to get away? What about me? I don’t do anything that doesn’t involve the children. I take them everywhere with me. Just today I had to take them to town with me to…”

“Fuck!” Brian yelled, throwing his hands up and cutting off Justin’s speech. “What do you want from me?”

“I want you to spend time with your kids. I want you to think of them first and not some goddamn campaign!”

“You want me to let an account go? Do you know how much profit I make off Brown Athletics, Justin?”

“YES! I fucking know! Believe me, I get it. However, the kids don’t get it, Brian. I have to try to explain to them why they have to go to bed before you get home. I have to tell them why you aren’t around to attend their play dates, ballet practice or the millions of other things you are never there to see. It stopped being about me understanding your excuses so long ago. It’s obvious you don’t even care about me anymore, Brian.”

“Fuck that! You know that I do. Otherwise I wouldn’t be trying to work so hard to make money to take care of you and our family,” Brian said angrily.

“You know what, Brian? Fuck that. I don’t know. Not any more. And for the record, I heard Ted tell you just last week when you were doing business in the office that you could sell Kinnetik and be set for life, living the life we live right now if you wanted to. The work ethic of yours has absolutely nothing to do with your family. It’s all about you and your selfish reasons for trying to be at the top of that fucking list.”

“You don’t know shit,” Brian said, feeling caught, which only angered him more.

“I know that you don’t even know the last time you made love to me, let alone fucked me,” Justin countered, tears now sprang in his eyes. “It was exactly six weeks ago that you fucked me, Brian! Nice and hard and emotionless, the way you have been ever since you’ve been trying to make it to number fucking one. I’m nothing on your list, Brian! I know that. And it’s okay. Because I don’t remember the last time you stuck around for me, and I sure as fuck don’t remember the last time you made love to me either. And I’ve dealt with that! But I cannot continue to take up the slack for you concerning the kids anymore.”

“I haven’t asked you to…”

“You ask me to tell them you are working all the time. I have to tell them you aren’t showing up at this or that. I have to dry their tears. I could care less about mine anymore. I have to try to explain to them why their Dada doesn’t want to make time for them. I take their bad moods and their acting out. I deal with the loss they feel ever since you’ve abandoned us.”

“I haven’t abandoned you!” Brian yelled and stepped closer to Justin and put his hands on Justin’s shaking arms.

Justin stepped out and shook his head. “You have, Brian. I’ve known it for a while and Zaira and Reaghan feel it. And I’ll know you’re abandoning them for sure if you go to that meeting tonight.”

“You’re giving me an ultimatum?” Brian said exasperated. “Fuck you!”

“You gave it to yourself, Brian! You chose to abandon your children all on your own. And pretty soon I’m not going to be the one to soothe their hurt over your antics.”

“Well, I guess it’s a good fucking thing we didn’t have anymore, right? That way I don’t have any more kids to abandon and disappoint. Three’s enough.”

“What?” Justin gasped.

“You, you’re acting like a child, Justin! I guess I’ve driven you to it, right? I guess I won’t have anyone else left to disappoint. Is that right?”

Justin wiped his tears and looked up into Brian’s eyes, “Yeah, I guess it is. You’ve disappointed us all enough!”

“Fuck...” Brian leaned in and breathed against Justin’s face before taking it in his hands and mashing his lips against Justin’s trembling lips. “You!!!” he turned, grabbed his suit, briefcase and shoes and slammed the bedroom door behind him.

Justin stood stock-still and listened as Brian slammed the front door closed behind him. He then heard an ignition start and then Brian’s car pulling out of the driveway.

*Ring, Ring, Ring*

Justin wasn’t sure how long he’d stood in the same place. He felt totally and completely lost and was trying to figure out how exactly to tell the kids, yet again, that Brian had left them. The phone rang, breaking him out of his reverie.

He went over to his jacket pocket and dug out his cell phone. “Hello?”

“Hey!” It was Michael’s cheery voice on the other end of the line.

“Hi.” Justin hoped he didn’t sound as bad as he felt.

“Just wanted to confirm what time Brian is meeting us,” Michael said.

“Oh, Michael, Brian’s not going to be able to make it,” Justin said, trying to stay strong.

“He’s not? I thought he was planning on taking Reaghan while you go to Zaira’s recital?” Michael asked, confused.

“He was going to but he had an emergency client meeting that couldn’t be postponed,” Justin lied, far too embarrassed to tell the truth and kicking himself for it.

“Oh, I’m sure Reaghan is going to be disappointed,” Michael said softly.

“Yeah,” Justin agreed. “Do you think I could drop him off with you and you could take the video and some pictures for me?”

“Oh sure, Justin, of course,” Michael agreed.

“Okay, I’ll call you when we’re heading into town,” Justin said.

“Talk to you then,” Michael said.

“Yeah, see you. Thanks, Michael,” Justin said before hitting the END button on his phone.

He then wiped his tears away and straightened himself before going down the hall and into the children’s playroom. “Hey, guys.”

“Where’s Dada?” Reaghan asked with Brian’s big brown eyes sparkling.

Zaira looked up at him expectantly, an expression from Brian as well. Justin tried his hardest to remain strong once again. He didn’t want to ruin their night. “Dada had to go into work.”

“But he was going to play with us!” Zaira said, disappointed.

“Going to go to my play?” Reaghan asked his father.

“No, buddy. I’m sorry he isn’t. He had an emergency. But Uncle Michael and Ben are going to take you with them and Jeffrey. They’re going to tape your play for me and Dada to watch.”

“Uhmpf,” the children pouted in unison.

“Why don’t we get dressed and I’ll take you to McDonald’s beforehand, okay?”

Both of the kids brightened up at that! “YAY, Mickey D’s!” they cheered.

“Okay, Zaira you go get into your dress and then help your brother into his clothes while Daddy goes and puts the dinner he was making into the fridge. I’ll come up and help you put the bow in your hair and help with Reaghan too if you need it, okay?” Justin asked. His daughter loved to be a big helper and dress Reaghan up, almost like one of her dolls. Justin didn’t mind; he needed the break from the job every now and then.

Justin left and went downstairs. He grabbed the kitchen phone as he took the roast out and started to put it into the Tupperware containers.

“Justin?”

“Daphne… I think, I think I’m going to leave Brian,” he said softly.

“What? Justin… what happened? I thought you guys were going to…”

Justin interrupted Daphne and told her the whole story of how everything went down.

“Well, maybe once the list comes out things will be better for you,” Daphne suggested.

“It isn’t just that,” Justin said, “There’s more... But...”

“Well, it comes out the second week of December right? Why don’t you just give him until then? See if things change between you and him and the kids after that.”

“I don’t know about us, Daph, but I guess I wouldn’t want to leave him during the holidays. That would hurt the kids so much,” Justin admitted.

“I think you should wait. Give him until after Christmas. You guys always love celebrating Christmas together. Maybe there will be some Christmas magic.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Justin said, not sounding too hopeful. “Thanks, Daph, I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Okay, if you need anything, call. Give my niece and nephew hugs and kisses.

“I will. Bye.” Justin hung up the phone and put the last of the containers in the fridge.

He headed upstairs to find that his fashionista daughter had definitely done a great job of putting together their outfits. She was wearing her Christmas recital dress and Reaghan had a miniature corduroy suit on. “Daddy,” they yelled, coming toward him and giving him a hug.

Justin took the hug gratefully and smiled as he hugged his kids, hoping that there would be Christmas magic for his family this year.

 

The Christmas Eves

Chapter Two: “It’s All in the Past”

December 24, 2008

Brian stood at the door to his and Justin’s master suite. One of his arms carrying picture albums and the other stretched out toward the door handle. His fingertips were a hairsbreadth away from the chrome handle, pausing while his mind contemplated whether he was going to be able to turn it and step inside what once had been his and his husband’s sanctuary.

Brian took a deep breath and closed his eyes tightly, trying to will himself the strength that he wasn’t sure would ever be there. Nevertheless, somehow his hand wrapped around the cool metal and turned it. His shoulder leaned into the door and he pushed the intricately carved mahogany wood open.

His hand reached to the wall on the right and he flipped on all four light switches simultaneously. The room was instantly illuminated and it took less than a second for Brian’s eyes to dart over to the king-sized four-poster bed.

The wood no longer shined and there was the start of cobwebs stretching in the corners. It looked like something you’d see in a Halloween movie. However, this was real. He’d allowed their room to get dusty, unused, and stale.

The cranberry duvet, sheets and pillows still sat in disarray. The nightstands on either side housed more photographs of the kids. On the left on Brian’s nightstand there was a silver tray loaded with a plate, a #1 Dad coffee cup, a crumpled-up napkin and silverware still sitting on it.

Justin and the kids had surprised him with breakfast that morning. He’d replayed that morning repeatedly time and time again over the last year. Brian had convinced himself that Justin and the kids had only gone on vacation. That’s how he dealt with it. It was the only way. Until today when someone was obviously forcing him to recognize, finally, what exactly he lost.

He walked over to the chest in front of the bed and sat the albums down on the dusty wood surface before he walked around to the other side of the bed. Justin’s side. He stood and stared at the silky pillowcase that had a light covering of dust on it. He leaned over and picked it up, shaking it off and then bringing it to his face and inhaling.

Brian coughed and drew the pillow away from his face. There was none of Justin’s smell there. He turned and looked at the rest of the bed and groaned. Pain sliced into him and built up rage so quickly within his body. He was angry with himself mostly.

He wasn’t even aware of when he’d started pulling and tearing the bedcovers and pillowcases away. He went into the linen closet, brought out a fresh set of baby blue silk, and started to remake the bed, mechanically. When he was done, he stepped back and gazed down on it for just a moment. It still didn’t look warm and inviting. He realized then that he was absolutely freezing, shaking down to his bones. He turned away from the lonely bed and headed into their bathroom.

The bathroom was also dusty. The marble tile floor was slick as he walked over to the shower and turned the hot water on. It took a moment for the pipes to spit out clear water after sitting unused for a year.

Brian quickly disrobed from his wet clothes, grabbed a fresh towel and a robe from the bathroom closet and placed them on the towel warmer. He opened the shower stall door and got under the hot spray and luxuriated in the feel, leaning his head back against the tile wall and replaying the images of Justin and him making love in this shower over and over in his head.

He leaned over and started to grab his bottle of shampoo and paused, grabbing the almost new bottle of Justin’s French shampoo; it didn’t matter if he was a brunet. He thought of Justin’s smiling face on the day he’d returned home from work with it and the younger man had jumped into his arms and kissed him all over his face.

He’d been fucking up so much of their lives at that point that he was more than a little surprised at Justin’s enthusiasm when he saw the bottle in the bag. It had felt good to see that bright Sunshine smile. Brian knew that he’d hurt Justin constantly. He never stopped, but for those few moments of Justin hugging and kissing him, it almost had seemed like it was melting all those other times away.

Brian finished washing himself and then got out of the shower. He dried off, slipped on the terry-cloth dark blue robe, realizing it was Justin’s, and went over to the vanity to comb his hair. He looked down and saw all of the products that sat on the shelves in the indent of the wall and grabbed Justin’s comb. It still had blond hairs in it. Brian ran the red comb through his hair, intertwining their hair in the comb. He was glad that the mirror was foggy because he wasn’t sure he could handle seeing his reflection; he knew there were tears on his darkened expression.

He looked down and saw Justin’s cologne. Without thinking twice, Brian grabbed it and sprayed himself down with it. Repeatedly he pumped the nozzle, surrounding himself in his husband’s bought scent yet still missing the one that could never be bottled. He fought back the tears once again from his eyes and went back into the bedroom.

Brian looked at the bed and had to close his eyes as the memory of the first time he’d made love to Justin on those very sheets entered his mind.

Flashback

“We’re really going to do this,” Justin said excitedly. He lay in the middle of the bed, his head against the brand new blue pillowcase. They made his blue eyes look even brighter.

Brian knew that he’d never seen Justin happier than he was at that moment. Except for maybe the day of their wedding," You still want to be the one this time around, don’t you?”

Justin smiled even brighter. “Yes. It's just... I’m scared.”

Brian crawled up on the bed and blanketed Justin’s body with his own. “Me too,” he admitted, pulling his lips into his mouth for a moment before smiling down at his husband.

“You’ll make a wonderful father, Brian,” Justin whispered. He leaned up and began kissing Brian's jaw with tiny pecks from his pink lips.

Brian pulled Justin away from him and laid his head back down on the pillow. “You will, but I’m not too sure about me,” he admitted his fears.

“I am,” Justin told him, running his hands up and down Brian’s bare back.

“Well, that makes one of us,” Brian joked.

Justin brought his hands up to Brian’s face and looked him in the eyes. “I know you will,” Justin told him.

“I’ll try my best, Justin. But I’ll have to learn from you.”

“You’re amazing; we’re going to make good parents. Even if it is our first child, I can feel it. We’ll be great.” Justin kissed Brian’s lips soundly. “Both of us.”

"Will you help me?" Brian asked.

Justin looked at him with a confused expression. "With what?"

"Help me be a good father. I'm going to have to learn from you," Brian told him. "I’m serious. You're going to have to make sure, okay?"

"I will, Brian," Justin said softly.

"I know sometimes I can get caught up with my job and stuff. I need you to promise you'll do everything you can to stop me if I don't give you or the kids enough attention."

"Kids?" Justin asked with a smile.

Brian laughed, "You said you wanted four."

Justin's eyes were wide with surprise. "But you said only two."

"I told you that I might like for it to be me one day." Brian's words were soft.

“I thought you were joking,” Justin said. “Are you serious?”

"I've thought about it," Brian said. “Especially now that we’re doing this for sure.”

"You want to carry my baby?" Justin said in a singsong voice. "Really, Brian?"

"How about you have the first three, and then if we want another I'll carry it, okay?"

Justin smiled and nodded. "Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Brian," he joked. "I think we should make the first and see what raising one is like before committing ourselves to any more," he reasoned.

Brian nodded his head in agreement and then leaned down to kiss Justin. His tongue poked out and teased Justin’s lips as he waited for the boy to open up and accept his appendage.

Justin teased him and tossed his head back and forth, giggling while Brian tried again and again to probe into his mouth.

Brian pulled back and looked at Justin seriously. “Do you not want to do this?” he asked.

Justin laughed at him.

“I’m really fucking hard,” Brian ground their stiff dicks against one another. "I know we’re both on the pill and we were using condoms too. But now just thinking about being inside of you… raw…. its driving me fucking crazy.”

“Oh,” Justin gasped. Brian forced his tongue inside Justin’s mouth, halting Justin’s response.

End Flashback

"Justin," Brian whispered, coming out of his memories. He went and shut off all the lights in the lonely room.

He then walked over, gathered the photo albums and turned on his night table lamp. At first he got in on his side but then he scooted over on Justin's side of the bed. He sat the albums down and then pulled the old duvet and sheets up to his chest before leaning back onto Justin's pillows.

The first album he looked in was a bunch of pictures taken from when he and Justin would take the children to Florida to visit Jennifer. She had a house near the beach and he and Justin had taken so many pictures of the children there.

Zaira was always very cautious of the water and didn't care for swimming. The first time Justin had taken her into the ocean she'd screamed, squealed, and cried so hard that Justin beat himself up after it for a long time. She hadn't gotten any better in the years to come. Zaira didn't like the water and only went to the shore to collect rocks or seashells for her sandcastles.

Reaghan, on the other hand, loved swimming. The first time he had taken him into the water, the boy had giggled and squealed with excitement. He liked going underwater and loved to hang onto his father's shoulders as he swam around. They had to watch him extremely carefully when they were playing on the beach because all he ever wanted to do was swim. He didn't care for making sandcastles. The boy had been a natural swimmer.

Brian realized he hadn't gotten to see Reaghan or Zaira at the beach that last year. He'd been too busy with work and had tried to cancel their plans altogether. Justin, however, had taken the kids anyway. Justin had been so angry with him, and Brian wasn't sure that he was going to come back to him. However, he had.

Flashback

"Daddy! You're home!" Zaira ran down the hall. Brian bent to his knees and she launched herself into Brian's arms. Reaghan came running to him seconds later.

Brian hugged his children and kissed their faces. "You're home!" It was so nice to hold them in his arms. He'd slept at the loft almost every night in the two weeks that they were gone. He only came back out to the house because he needed to get a file he'd left in his office.

"Missed you, Daddy," Reaghan told him, holding onto his neck.

The air shifted in the entryway and Brian tensed up. He kept his focus on the kids who were rattling off all the exciting things they did with their grandmother. He was interested in what they were saying, but he also didn't want to look up and meet Justin's eyes. He knew that they would be the same steel-cold blue they were the day they had left for Florida.

"Daddy! Dada's here!" Zaira said, giving Brian no choice but to look up at Justin.

"I see that," Justin said warmly.

Brian looked at Justin and was completely surprised. He hadn't expected Justin's words to be so soft and for his expression to match. "Hi."

"Hey," Justin answered him, giving him an expression Brian couldn't read.

Brian got up off the floor. "How was your flight?"

"Brian..." Justin smiled at him and walked toward him.

Brian walked closer and took Justin into his arms. "I missed you," he whispered against his lover's ear.

Justin squeezed him very tightly but didn't say anything in return.

"Did you miss me?" Brian found himself asking.

Justin pulled away from him and looked at him, his blue eyes glassy and his lips trembling, "I'm always missing you when you're not with me, Brian."

Brian took Justin's face in his hands and then leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together. "I love you," he said, not breaking eye contact.

Justin blinked and two tears fell from the corners of his eyes. Brian brushed them away with his thumbs, "I love you too, Brian."

Brian and Justin's lips pressed together...

"Dada! Are you gonna tuck us in now?" Zaira asked, stopping her parents mid-kiss.

"Later," Brian smirked, looking at Justin who was smirking at him.

Brian looked down and noticed both of the kids were in their pajamas already. "Of course. Did you guys brush your teeth?"

"Yes," the children answered.

"Okay, let’s go on up." Brian reached down and picked up Zaira in one arm and then Reaghan in the other.

Justin went up with him and together they got both children in bed for the night and retired into their room.

As soon as the master bedroom door shut behind Brian, Justin attacked him with kisses. They broke apart to divest themselves of their clothing, and Brian picked Justin up and carried him into their bed.

"God, I want you," Justin told him as he rolled Brian over onto his stomach.

Brian put his head on his pillow and brought his legs up underneath him, "Come on," he said in a muffled voice. He waited for a moment and when nothing happened, he turned to look at Justin.

Justin was holding a condom and giving him a strange look. Fuck, Brian thought and turned around. Justin is suggesting we wear condoms now?

"Why do you have these?" Justin asked him in a shaky voice.

"I…" Brian was shocked.

"Have you been fucking someone else? Is that why you haven't been fucking me?" he spat angrily.

Brian felt himself go cold at Justin's words. "Of course not!"

"Don't lie to me, Brian." Justin's eyes once again filled with tears.

"What the fuck, Justin?" Brian grabbed the condom and held it in front of Justin's face. "Look at the fucking expiration date, asshole! That was in there from before we started taking the new fucking birth control."

Justin closed his eyes then opened them and quickly looked away from Brian. "I'm sorry."

Brian leaned toward him. "You think I'm fucking around on you? And you called me a fucking liar, Justin!"

Justin wiped his tears away and looked at him. "What am I supposed to think, Brian?"

"I don't know, Justin. Fuck!"

"You're never here anymore, Brian," Justin told him.

"That has nothing to do with you just calling me a cheat and a liar."

"I know you didn't stay here the whole two weeks we were gone. I suspected but then when I saw the condom I thought..."

"I didn’t want to be in this huge house without you guys. Fuck! I fucked you raw two days before you left on that fucking trip! Do you think I'd risk your life like that?"

"No, it's just…"

"It's just yes, you did think that! Or you wouldn't have asked."

"I jumped to conclusions. I've been in that drawer a million times and hadn't seen it there."

Brian threw the condom on the side of the bed and moved Justin around so he was lying on his back. He grabbed the bottle of lube and warmed it in his fingers before pushing them inside his blond.

They stared at one another, saying nothing and everything.

Brian moved down on top of Justin and slicked his dick with the leftover lube. He leaned down and kissed Justin's neck as he pushed the head of his cock inside the warm cavern.

"Ah!" Justin gasped in pleasure/pain.

"Shh!" Brian kissed the tears in the corners of his husband's eyes as he moved his hips forward and slid in the rest of the way.

Justin's felt so stretched and full from the initial entry. He had stayed at his mother’s house and that meant that he couldn’t even play with his dildos when he needed release. His hole was very tight. "Slower," he whispered.

Brian nodded his head and moved back, sliding almost completely out of the tight warmth. "Why would you ever think I'd want..." he slid back in.

"Brian!"

Brian leaned in and kissed Justin as he rocked back out and in a couple of times. Their eyes were still open as they experienced the pleasure they only knew with each other. "Why would you think I would ever want anyone but you? There's nothing better, no one better to be inside of, no one but you. Never," Brian whispered before drawing back and then sliding into his lover, causing Justin to shout his name.

“No one but you,” Justin moaned back.

End Flashback

Brian continued to go through the album and when he got to the end, he realized that the last two pictures in the book were from that time at the beach he missed. He'd never even seen them before.

Brian wiped away the tears from his eyes, closed the album, and reached for another. This one was a book full of the kids' Christmas pictures through the years. His fingertips touched and traced the contours of their faces, imagining that he was actually feeling their baby soft skin. Justin's smell wasn’t the only one he missed, but theirs too. He remembered vividly holding both of them right after they were born. He'd kissed the tops of their heads and had memorized their smell. Even now, he could almost smell them.

Page by page, Brian fell into the memories he and Justin shared with their children. Last year Zaira and Reaghan played "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" together on the piano. It had been off-key, and most of the time Reaghan would just press his one designated key when Zaira would tell him to. They had played it for him and Justin as a surprise. They were so thoughtful. He and Justin had asked them to play it repeatedly. It was, without a doubt, the best Christmas present they'd gotten that year.

Brian was feeling exhausted by the time he reached for the next album. It was their wedding album and he couldn't bear to open it yet. He would save that for the morning. Brian reached down to the end of the bed and set the albums back on the trunk. He crawled over to his side to turn off the lamp and he saw a red envelope peeking out from under the silver tray.

He slid it out and remembered that Justin had handed it to him before giving him his breakfast. He'd had to meet his client so he hadn't had time to open it. He shifted his body back over to Justin's side and opened the envelope.

He took out what was inside. It was a big thick card. It had a picture of their Christmas tree on it and under it, it read, Merry Christmas, Dada!

Brian felt his heart breaking again. His shaky fingers opened the card and there within it was a small stack of pictures.

The first picture was of Zaira in the outfit she'd worn to the recital he'd missed.

The next picture was of Reaghan in the outfit he'd worn to his play.

The next pictures made Brian's heart stop beating for a moment.

"No," he said aloud. Tears sprang from his eyes, his stomach tightened, and he felt like he was going to throw up. "Oh god, Justin!" he yelled into the silence of their house. "I'm so sorry! I didn't know! I didn't know."

Brian curled around and cried into Justin's pillow. Justin’s smell surrounded him as he wept. There, in his fingers he clutched the pictures of his children close to his heart, weeping himself into sleep.

 

The Christmas Eves

Chapter Three "Past Forward"

"Merry Christmas Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Cwissmiss Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Christmas Eve, Brian," Justin laughed at Brian's startled expression.

Brian bolted up in bed and looked around. "What the fuck is going on?" he asked, shaking his head and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Brian," Justin admonished with a laugh. He loved the way Brian looked in the mornings, so innocent and unaware of the world around him.

"Justin?"

"Hey, sleepyhead." Justin stood beside the bed holding a silver tray.

"What's going on?" Brian asked again, opening and closing his eyes repeatedly. He wondered if it would clear the vision or perhaps the hallucination he was sure he was experiencing.

"It’s time for your bweakfast, Dada," Reaghan told him. The little boy smiled at his father, his dark hazel eyes glittering in the sunlight that was coming in from the bedroom windows.

"We made it for you with Daddy," Zaira chimed in. She pushed her messy bangs behind her head and then Brian could see his daughter’s sparkling blues shining with life.

Brian took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He couldn’t quite believe that his children were alive and standing before him! Not only his kids but Justin was alive too, smiling at him and looking as real as he had the last day he’d seen him. Brian realized it was the last day that he’d seen his family alive. The Christmas Eve from last year was happening again. Alternatively, he wondered if maybe it had all been one horrible nightmare. His memories were foggy and he wasn't sure what to think.

"Sit up, Dada," Justin instructed Brian. He gave Brian a look that asked if Brian was okay. He could tell that his husband had gone from feeling shocked to what now seemed fearful.

Brian nodded at Justin, not knowing what else to do or say. He sat up against the headboard and cleared his dry, parched throat. He managed to give the children a small smile as he did. "Come give me kisses first before I eat this breakfast you wonderful chefs made me," Brian directed his kids. He wanted to feel his children in the flesh to make sure they were truly real. He ignored Justin's look of worry and helped Reaghan and Zaira climb up onto the bed beside him.

Brian let the feel of Reaghan nestling into his chest and Zaira curled into his side under his arm seep into his tortured soul. It made him believe that his babies were okay and that nothing bad had happened to them. He sighed in relief, realizing that it had all been one long, elaborate and horrible nightmare.

He grabbed the children closer to him. Zaira and Reaghan both loved to cuddle and they took advantage of their father’s extra affection, leaning in and rubbing their faces against his neck as they’d done since infancy. Brian leaned his head down and nuzzled against them too. He breathed in the smell of Reaghan's and then Zaira's hair and combed his fingers through it. Closing his eyes, he let out a long, deep sigh of relief.

Justin watched Brian carefully. His husband was acting very strange. He'd expected Brian to tell him he wasn't hungry and then make a run for the bathroom to shower and head off to work, but his children insisted on making their Dada breakfast and Justin was too tired of arguing with them to tell them no. It was Christmas Eve too; he wanted to make the day special and so he gave into them, hoping that Christmas magic would find its way into Brian’s heart.

It seemed by the looks of Brian that it had. However, Justin wasn’t entirely convinced. Brian held them differently, acted differently than he normally did and not because he seemed happy. It was very rare for him to spend time in the mornings cuddling with the kids and today Brian seemed to be over the top. He kept looking at Zaira and then at Reaghan with an expression that chilled Justin to the bone. "Are you okay?" Justin asked, making Brian turn to look at him.

Brian blinked again and turned to look at Justin. He gave his husband a big smile. "Of course." Brian knew there was no way he could tell Justin what he was really thinking.

"Come cuddle, Daddy," Reaghan said, reaching a hand out to Justin.

Justin shook his head and tried to smile. "No, your Dada needs to eat his eggs before they get cold. Why don't you guys go into the playroom and watch cartoons? I'm sure there are some Christmas ones on this morning. Go look at the schedule we made hanging by the T.V."

Zaira popped up from Brian’s embrace, thrilled at the idea of watching cartoons she’d probably seen at least a dozen times that year. "Frosty is gonna be on. I remember now, Daddy. I almost forgot," she shouted before turning to Brian and giving him a kiss on his cheek. The little girl hopped out of the bed and ran past Justin.

Reaghan sat up. Encouraged by his sister’s excitement, he shouted, "Fwosty!" He too kissed Brian’s cheek and soon followed his big sister out of their parents’ bedroom.

Brian laughed and looked at Justin, patting the bed beside him, "Well, aren't you going to come cuddle with me now that the babes are at play?"

Justin's eyes went wide. "What?" He pushed the food tray into Brian’s hands and stepped back from the bed, his face reddened with mixed surprise and anger.

"Guess not," Brian commented softly. He picked up the silverware on the tray and started to cut into his eggs, frowning.

Justin sighed. "Brian, please don’t..."

"Don't what, Sunshine?" Brian asked confused.

Justin turned away from Brian and began to mutter under his breath. He ignored his husband and headed into the bathroom.

Brian sighed to himself. Justin was angry with him. Justin had been angry with him for a while; a little cuddling wasn't going to make things right.

Nevertheless, he knew that he would make things right. He wouldn't allow what he was sure was only an intense nightmare of life come true. Brian figured that he may not be able to fix his relationship with Justin or the kids right away, but he would at least make sure that Justin and the kids wouldn't be driving to Kinnetik that night. He would make sure that he left the lunch meeting and didn't go back to his office. He would meet Justin at Debbie's and everything would be okay.

He looked over at the clock and saw that he needed to start getting ready for the meeting with the interviewer.

He arranged the dirty dishes on his tray and saw the red envelope tucked underneath the plate. His hands shook as he grabbed it. His world started to crash around him as he realized it hadn't been a dream at all. He knew what was inside that letter.

The last year of his life after his family's death came into focus, making the tray shake in his hands. It had been real. This card was proof of that; the breakfast and the way Justin and the kids acted wasn’t a coincidence. Brian realized that somehow he had come back to that day. He had a chance to change it all.

"Brian?" Justin came out of the bathroom, his blond hair darkened from the water, a red terry cloth robe hugged around his body.

Brian sat the whole tray down on the nightstand and jerked himself out of bed. "Justin,” he cried out his husband’s name, feeling the reality of his husband’s and children’s deaths deep inside him. His emotions went wild as he walked up to Justin and took the reluctant man into his arms. "Oh god, I'm sorry."

"Brian," Justin whispered his husband’s name. Confused, he pulled out of Brian’s arms and backed away from him, asking, "What's the matter with you?"

Brian shook his head and ran his hands through his hair. He couldn't just tell Justin. He knew that because of the way things were going with them, Justin couldn’t trust him. He wouldn’t believe him and he’d think he was nuts. He couldn’t do that, couldn’t add to the other problems that were so huge he wasn’t sure where to begin to rectify them. Brian couldn’t risk Justin walking out on him if he thought he was lying. He'd have to do something to make sure his family would be safe for the night. Brian knew that he could at least solve that.

"Listen, I just... I need you to call your mother," Brian deadpanned.

"What? Why?" Justin asked Brian. “What’s going on? You are freaking me out.”

"I need to take the SUV today. The Vette was sounding funny and I don't want to risk driving it into town today," Brian told him. “I know you love driving it.”

"That's what you're sorry about?" Justin asked, clearly pissed off.

"No, I uh..." Brian wasn't sure what to say. He didn't think that Justin would want to listen to anything that came out of his mouth. He felt as if he was going crazy and he was sure that Justin probably thought he was.

"Never mind," Justin told him, going over to the dresser and grabbing his clothes. "I'll tell her to come out here and pick me and the kids up." Justin pulled on a pair of sweatpants under the robe and turned to Brian, his face red with anger. “Will that work for you?”

Brian watched, wondering when exactly Justin had started wearing his own sweatpants and not Brian’s. His thoughts of how distant he felt from Justin occupied him until the younger man stalked out of the room and closed the door behind him. Brian shook his head at himself. He’d been so caught up in his own thoughts he didn’t even answer his blond. However, he knew it was a rhetorical question and Justin had only asked because he was pissed off. Brian kicked himself for not acknowledging his husband. He knew he probably looked stupid staring at him. He sighed and thought, At least he won't be driving anywhere.

***

Brian found the children in their playroom on the couch watching Frosty. He stared at them for a few moments before alerting them to his presence, "Hey kiddos, come give me hugs and kisses goodbye."

Zaira and Reaghan rushed over to him and he knelt on the ground and took them into his arms.

"We don't want you to go to work today," Zaira told him with a pout.

Reaghan nodded his head in agreement, reaching up to play with Brian's freshly styled hair.

Brian sighed. "I promise I'll meet you guys at Grandma Debbie's this afternoon." He kissed both of their cheeks and hugged them tightly.

"I love you, Dada," Zaira said. "See you later."

"Later, Dada, love you too!" Reaghan said happily and squeezed his little arms around Brian's neck.

Brian felt himself choke with emotion but swallowed it down, "Grandma Jen is going to be here soon to pick up you and Daddy."

"Are we gonna go to her hotel for presents?" Zaira asked.

Brian shook his head, remembering that Justin and the kids were supposed to do that before going to Debbie's house. "I think she'll be bringing them with her here. You’ll have to ask Daddy. I want you to be good for him.”

“We will,” Reaghan and Zaira told their father in unison.

Brian smiled, “Remember that Santa Claus comes tonight." He gave his children one last kiss, feeling eyes on him as he turned toward the door.

Brian saw Justin standing in the doorway watching him with a far-away expression. He smiled softly at his husband as he rose and walked over to him. "I'll see you at Debbie's in a couple of hours."

Justin nodded his head, his expression changing as his emotions sparked. He stepped out into the hallway and walked with Brian down the stairs. "Make sure you show up."

"I will. I promise," Brian told him, leaning down and kissing Justin's cheek.

Justin wanted the contact, craved it, so he turned his face and connected his lips with Brian's mouth.

They stood in the hall kissing for a few minutes, their hands running up and down one another’s backs and through their hair.

"I don't want to leave you," Brian told Justin when they broke for air.

Justin looked up at him with surprise and restrained hope in his eyes, "Then don't."

Brian groaned to himself and stepped away, going to collect his coat from the hall closet. He wanted to stay but he knew that if he did then he would ruin their future. "I have to," he said finally. He turned to see that Justin was already gone.

***

Brian was in the middle of his interview when he felt his cell phone vibrate in his pocket. He tried to ignore it at first and go on with the meeting, but when it wouldn't stop, he quickly made an excuse. He walked briskly into the bathroom of the restaurant to take the call. He saw that it was Debbie’s number on the caller ID, "Hello?"

"Brian?" Debbie's voice rang out in a worried tone.

Brian immediately felt dread creep into his body and leaned against the sinks and found his voice to answer, "Yeah?"

"I...I… Jennifer… everyone has been trying to call you." Debbie’s words broke off. She sobbed, "She was in a car accident, Brian."

"Debbie, what are you talking about?" he whispered, feeling his world fall and blackness come into his vision.

"Justin and the kids were hurt badly, they, they didn't make it," Debbie's voice followed Brian into the blackness he was enveloped in as his heart broke once again.

***

"Merry Christmas Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Cwissmiss Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Christmas Eve, Brian," Justin laughed at Brian's startled green gaze.

Brian bolted up in bed and looked around. "What the fuck is going on," he asked, shaking his head and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Brian," Justin admonished with a laugh. He loved the way Brian looked in the mornings, so innocent and unaware of the world around him.

"Justin?"

"Hey, sleepyhead." Justin stood beside the bed holding a silver tray.

"What's going on?" Brian asked again, opening and closing his eyes repeatedly. He wondered if it would clear the vision or perhaps the hallucination he was sure he was experiencing…..again.

 

The Christmas Eves

Chapter Four: Cold

It only took Brian a few seconds of adjusting to come to terms with the scene before him. He’d thought he had done and said all the right things. Brian did not know what it was he’d done wrong. He thought that his family would be fine as long as he could stop Justin from driving, and then he would show up at Debbie’s house.

The morning progressed much in the same way as it had yesterday. Brian tried to do and say things to make it different as he smiled and ate his breakfast. His mind was preoccupied with a way to devise a plan of action that would make Justin and the kids see Christmas Day.

Justin smiled and talked to Brian in a civil happy manner while the kids were in the bedroom with them, but once they were gone he closed the door and decided to try to confront Brian's standoffish behavior as the man finished his meal. Lately he may not have stood up for himself, but that was because he was always so tired and he tried to ignore the things that would cause him too much stress.

However, he couldn’t ignore Brian’s bad behavior to his kids, though he knew that his husband probably wouldn’t understand what was wrong with it. He rarely did. Justin couldn’t bring himself to let it go. "It's Christmas Eve, Brian, and they are kids and they’re excited about Santa coming. It's the first year that Reaghan is really excited. I know you're probably thinking about your meeting but you could have indulged with them in their happiness and anticipation for a few minutes. You didn’t have to ignore their excitement."

Brian felt his stomach turn and suddenly didn't feel like eating any more. He glanced at Justin and knew that he had to diffuse the man's anger or he wouldn't be getting anywhere with his plan. He tried to think of something to say as he put the tray back down on his nightstand and started to get out of the bed, but paused when Justin started to speak again.

"So what? Now you aren't going to eat your breakfast. Do you know how fucking long it took the kids and me to cook all that shit for you? You better not let the kids see you didn't eat it all, Brian. If it weren't for them wanting to surprise you I wouldn't have even bothered." Justin wiped away the tears in his eyes. He could feel his body start to shake and knew that he needed to sit down and breathe out the stress. Reluctantly he went over to his side of the bed and sat down, his back to Brian.

Brian took Justin's words to heart. He knew that he shouldn’t be, but he couldn’t help it. He was completely shocked at the immense anger his husband had for him, anger he was experiencing so harshly and once again having no real idea on how to fix things between them.

He wondered to himself if life with him really had been this bad before, before the first time he'd lost his family. He knew that this entire thing had to be some kind of cosmic mind fuck for him, or it was a huge fucking blessing giving him a chance to save them. He decided it was probably both, but that didn’t make him feel any more certain of what he needed to do. It didn’t make the twisting ache in his gut subside and it didn’t give him a clear head; he was only confused.

Nevertheless, how could he save Justin if the man would most likely not listen to a word he had to say? Obviously, Brian knew this was a chance to fix things but he had no idea where to start. However, he decided he at least needed to address Justin's present concerns; it wasn't as if he could change all the past fuck-ups in one day.

He looked over and saw Justin's head was in his hands and his shoulders were shaking slightly. Justin was obviously crying and it broke Brian's heart. He crawled over behind Justin and reached his hand out to touch his husband's back, hoping to soothe him in some way.

"Don't, Brian," Justin whispered. He could feel Brian's warm palm inches from his shoulder blade. He wanted the touch and loathed it all in the same instant. He heard Brian let out a long sigh and the sound of him dropping his hand abruptly onto his leg. Justin wiped the tears off his face and spoke in a gruff voice, "You don’t have to act like you give a shit about my feelings anymore, Brian. Just leave me alone while I fucking cry because I’m not crying for you, I’m crying for the family you don’t want.”

“Justin…" Brian tried to interrupt.

Justin wouldn’t let him, “Okay… fine… I’m feeling a little sorry for myself. Because it’s hard being in love with someone so completely, and knowing that they don’t love you.”

"I do," Brian said in a pleading but strong voice. It echoed with the year of pain he experienced in another reality. The year of not wanting to live, yet breathing without his beloved's breath beside him each night. The year of pretending and cheap desperation came out in silent tears that traced down his cheeks. "I love you. I love you so much, Justin, and I’ll never stop loving you."

Justin held back a gasp as his heart felt like it was swelling; his ears hearing the words sent a painful reaction deep within him but it was quickly quelled from the memories of the last year and the disregard he'd seen his husband give his children minutes before.

There had been a time when Justin would have believed those three little words the moment they were spoken. A time when Brian had shown him with actions too, constantly, making Justin believe that they were true. Justin had believed him; he'd thought that those words were real nearly every time Brian had said them. He'd even hoped that today it might be possible to uncover the Brian that had said the words and meant them, but not after the display he'd witnessed.

He wouldn't allow anyone to put a damper on his children's happiness, especially not the way Brian had this morning. Brian was so oblivious to that too, which hurt even more. He couldn't let Brian hurt his children anymore.

"Justin," Brian soldiered on and tried to turn his blond to face him but Justin resisted and stood up and started to walk into the bathroom, not even glancing his way.

Brian tried to go after him but his husband had switched the lock on the door. "Justin, please just come talk to me."

Justin disrobed and turned on the water, trying not to give in to Brian. He could hear in the man's voice that he was upset, maybe even a little regretful, but he also heard confusion and that only made Justin's decision stronger. He walked over to the door, leaned his forehead against the wood and took a deep breath. "You never listen to me, Brian. You haven't in so fucking long. You don't even know what I'm upset about, do you?"

Brian leaned his head against the door on the other side and shook his head 'no'. There were so many things he could list off that he knew he’d done wrong, ways he’d hurt his children and Justin. It was overwhelming.

In retrospect, every detail of his past sins clawed at his brain and he felt like he was choking on them. He was unable to answer Justin with any one thing; there were far too many and that sickened him.

"You never do, Brian. You've ignored me for a long time and slowly you really began to ignore Zaira and Reaghan. I kept hoping...." Justin’s voice trailed off when he realized he was going to give Brian more reasons that the man would not absorb. "Never mind, Brian. You don’t really give a shit. I know that now. I'm filing for divorce the day after Christmas."

Brian felt his knees go weak at Justin's words and he had to grip onto the sides of the door to keep standing. "Justin, no," he pleaded.

Justin backed away from the door and sniffled a few times before wiping away the last of his tears. "This isn't a rash decision, Brian. I want you to know that. You've changed, and I tried, I really did try to help you. To stop you, just like you asked me to, and I promised I would try with all I had," he yelled. "But it was never enough! I was never enough, was I?"

"Justin, you always were. It's my fault, I know that," Brian yelled back.

Justin had gone over to the shower and turned on the water. Not hearing Brian's answering remark he came back to the door. "Go use the guest shower, get ready for your meeting and I hope you come to Debbie's and celebrate with your children. Maybe you'll see what you're going to lose. But either way, Brian, you've already lost me and I can't subject my children to your blatant disregard anymore!" With those last words, Justin walked into the shower and sat down on the bench, letting the hot spray wash away and drown out his tearful sobs.

Brian called for Justin repeatedly before finally realizing that no matter what, the younger man wasn't going to be listening to anything he had to say anytime soon.

"Dada, Daddy!" Brian looked over at the bedroom door and heard Zaira's voice on the other side as she knocked on it.

He wiped the tears from his face and cleared his throat before opening the door. Zaira stood looking at him with a pout and tears in her blue eyes. She looked exactly like Justin at that moment.

"What's the matter, baby girl?" Brian asked softly and crouched down next to his daughter.

Zaira looked behind him into the room, "Where's Daddy?"

"He's taking a shower," Brian told her, standing back up.

"Do you want to go play tea party with me and Reaghan, Dada?" she asked hopefully.

"Sure, I'll be there in just a minute. I've got to make a quick phone call," he told her, leaning down and kissing her forehead.

Zaira's face lit up with a smile, her expression once again mirroring one of Justin’s. Now happy, she squealed and skipped away down the hall.

Brian went back into the bedroom and grabbed his cell phone to call Cynthia.

"Hello, Boss," the secretary’s tired voice said on the other line.

"I need you to push the interview back an hour," Brian told his assistant, without so much as a hello, let alone a 'Merry Christmas'.

"What? Hmm..." Cynthia asked, still not fully awake.

"I need you to push the interview back an hour. Do you think you can do that?" Brian asked again.

"Are you sure you just don't want to reschedule it?" Cynthia asked innocently.

"Just push it back an hour. I have to drive Justin and the kids into town to Debbie's house, so I'm going to need a little more time."

"Sure, Brian," Cynthia said. "Are you coming to the office after the interview?”

"Yes, we still have a lot of work that needs to be accomplished for the French Essentials account. I'll see you after the interview.” He didn't give her time to reply before he hung up and went down the hall into the playroom.

***

"Do you need a refill, Dada?" Zaira asked, holding the plastic teakettle over Brian's teacup.

"No thanks, I'm fine. I have to go take a shower in just a minute," Brian told his daughter, pretending to sip the last of the imaginary tea.

"I need a wefill," Reaghan said, holding out his cup to his sister.

Zaira carefully filled Reaghan's cup before doing the same with her own.

"This is very good tea you guys made," Brian told his children, dabbing at his lips with a napkin.

"Did you read your card on your breakfast tray, Dada?" Zaira asked.

Brian stopped mid-sip and cleared his throat, "No, but I will, I promise."

"Reaghan, Zaira, I need you guys to come..." Justin stopped in his tracks at the entrance to the playroom. "What are you doing here, Brian?"

"Having tea," Reaghan answered for his Dada.

Justin couldn't help but be shocked at the scene before him. Brian was still in his sweats and sitting at Reaghan and Zaira's miniature table having a tea party with them.

"It's very good tea, too," Brian added. He took a moment to appreciate Justin's beauty. His husband was wearing a dark green cashmere sweater and a pair of charcoal grey slacks. Brian thought he looked stunningly beautiful.

"Well, we need to get ready to go," Justin addressed the kids.

"Aww... but we were having fun," Zaira whined, sounding like her Uncle Michael.

"Yeah, I didn't finish my tea," Reaghan said.

Justin and Brian both laughed.

"I've got to go get showered and dressed," Brian said, standing up from the miniature chair. "You listen to your Daddy and go get your clothes on. You want to open your presents at Debbie's, don't you?"

"Oh, yes!" Zaira said, getting up from the table and disappearing out the door with Reaghan following her.

Justin stared at Brian for a minute before turning away and heading after the kids.

Brian sprinted up behind him. "Justin."

Justin spun around. "What?"

"I'm going to drive to Debbie's," Brian told him.

"You are," Justin asked, trying to keep the hopeful tone out of his words.

Brian nodded, "Yeah, I'm going to go shower and I'll meet you and the kids downstairs in a half hour, okay?"

“What about my Mom? We’re supposed to go over to her hotel and open gifts,” Justin asked him.

“Well, why don’t you call her and see if she wants to come over to the house tonight to do that?” Brian suggested.

Confused by Brian’s change, Justin could only nod his head. “Okay. I’ll go get the kids ready and meet you downstairs in a half hour.”

***

"Really, Brian, we do have to get there before Christmas," Justin said loudly, trying to speak over the Christmas carols playing on the radio.

"What? There are a lot of crazy drivers out there and I just want to make sure that we're safe," Brian told him.

Justin rolled his eyes, "You went 45 on the expressway, Brian."

"That's the speed limit," Brian countered.

"The minimum speed limit, and it’s for trucks and trailers, Brian."

"It's snowing, and an SUV is classified as a truck."

Justin laughed. "You're right, it's snowing and we are in an SUV that has four-wheel drive, Brian. It’s not classified as a truck; it's a sport utility vehicle."

"Whatever," Brian said, slowly turning onto Debbie's street and even more slowly parallel parking beside the curb in front of the house.

"Thank god we're here," Justin said, opening his door and getting out of the car.

Brian went around, helped Reaghan out of the car and then helped grab some of the presents from the trunk.

Once inside Debbie's warm house, everyone started to take their heavy coats off except Brian. This was not unnoticed by Justin who went over to him as the kids were saying hello to the family.

"Just go, Brian," Justin whispered, angrily shaking his head.

"What?" Brian said, wondering how Justin’s mood and opinion toward him could change constantly, so drastically.

"Go to your fucking meeting. We'll see you later." Justin walked away from Brian and went back over to greet Debbie with a hug.

Brian watched the scene and then quickly slipped out the door. He knew that he would make things right when he came back for dinner. Right now, he needed to wow the interviewer.

***

Brian cautiously left his phone on throughout the interview. When it was over, he let out sigh of relief before getting in the SUV and starting the engine. While it heated up his phone began to vibrate.

His heart started beating quickly as he answered it, "Hello?"

"Brian!" Debbie's frantic voice was on the other end and there was a lot of background noise.

"Yeah..." His voice cracked and he could feel his heart breaking.

"The tree caught on fire Brian. Justin and the kids were upstairs napping and..."

"Hello? Debbie?" Brian yelled into the phone.

"Brian." It was Michael's voice now.

"Mikey, what happened?" Brian asked, panicking.

"Mom's house caught on fire, Brian. Justin and the kids were trapped upstairs, they... they couldn't get them out," he sobbed.

Brian once again felt blackness and numbness overtake his body as the SUV swerved in the road.

***

"Merry Christmas Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Cwissmiss Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Christmas Eve, Brian," Justin laughed at Brian's startled expression.

Brian bolted up in bed and looked around, "What the fuck is going on?" he asked, shaking his head and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"Brian," Justin admonished with a laugh. He loved the way Brian looked in the mornings, so innocent and unaware of the world around him.

"Justin?"

"Hey, sleepyhead." Justin stood beside the bed holding a silver tray.

"What's going on?" Brian asked again, opening and closing his eyes repeatedly. He wondered if it would clear the vision or perhaps the hallucination he was sure he was experiencing…again. "Never mind," he sighed. “I know what's going on,” he thought.

 

The Christmas Eves

Chapter Five: Clinging

December 24, 2007

Brian tried his very best to be attentive to his children that morning. He didn't want a repeat of what had happened before. He hadn't realized Justin had been so close to actually divorcing him. Everything was going perfectly. Brian sat on the bed eating his wonderful breakfast while Reaghan and Zaira sat on each side of him. They luxuriated in their father's attention and Brian in turn luxuriated in them.

The only thing missing that morning was Justin. He'd gone downstairs to clean up the kitchen shortly after Brian had snuggled in with the kids. Brian wished that Justin was there with them, snuggling together as they had so many times before. However, he wanted to give Justin the space the man obviously needed.

Brian was determined that today would be the last time he repeated the horrible ending to this day. He was confident that as long as he could get Justin to agree to his plan everything would be all right for them.

Brian laughed and talked with his kids and even watched Frosty with them on the bedroom television set. Zaira had prompted Brian to open the Christmas card but he'd told her that he wanted to do that when Justin was present. He planned on postponing opening it until later that night, hoping he could do that when he and Justin were alone.

Just as the program ended Justin came back into the bedroom. Brian didn't notice Justin's eyes glance over to the unopened envelope that still sat on the dresser.

"Zaira, Reaghan, I need you two to go wash up and get dressed," Justin told them with a smile. "We've got a lot to do today."

"Awww... but we wanna watch Rudolph with Dada," Zaira whined sadly.

"Yeah, Wudoff is coming on," Reaghan pouted.

Brian sat up. "Come on, lazy bones. Listen to your Daddy. I know we have Rudolph on DVD and I promise I'll watch it with you before bed tonight."

"What about our story?" Zaira asked.

"What..." Brian trailed off. He then remembered what his little girl referred to. "Oh, don't worry. Daddy and I will still read you “The Night Before Christmas” and we'll watch Rudolph before that, okay?"

"Okay," the children agreed.

Reaghan and Zaira hugged and kissed Brian, climbed out of the bed and then kissed and hugged Justin before leaving the room.

Brian took a deep breath and got out of the bed himself. "Justin?"

Justin was at the linen closet putting away some freshly washed sheets he'd brought up and was so intent on the task he hadn't heard Brian. He nearly jumped out of his skin as he felt Brian's hands on his arms. "Shit!" he cried out, startled.

Brian couldn't help but laugh. "Sorry." He bent down to pick up the baby blue sheets that Justin had dropped.

Justin laughed nervously. "Thank you," he told Brian, stepping away from the linen closet as Brian put the sheets away.

Brian looked down at Justin, noticing the other man's nervous energy and pink cheeks. "You doing okay, Justin?"

Justin gulped and nodded. "I'm fine, Brian."

Brian looked at the linens he'd placed on the shelf and then back to Justin. "I remember when we first used those."

Justin blinked in surprise, his face flushed even more before he nodded and whispered, "Me too."

"You were so beautiful that night, Justin." Brian stepped closer and could feel his husband's warm body so close to his, instantly making his cock grow heavy in his pants. They'd always had what felt like a current of electricity binding their bodies together.

He then thought back to what was to Justin and the kids only a few months ago and remembered that he hadn't felt that connection to his husband in such a long time. He was entirely sure that it was himself that had severed it.

Justin's blush got darker and he ducked his head and mumbled something before turning away from Brian.

"What'd you say?" Brian asked, grabbing Justin’s hand and turning his blond back around to face him.

"It's not important," Justin told him and pulled away. "Shouldn't you be getting ready for your meeting?"

Brian sighed, "Yeah… but there was something I wanted to talk to you about first."

Justin looked up at Brian, his eyebrows arched. "What is it?"

"I was thinking that you could have your mother come out here to open presents earlier today, then when I get back from my interview we can all go to Debbie's together?"

Justin sighed. He was glad Brian wasn't going to be going into Kinnetik after the interview but he still didn't want Brian going anywhere at all. However, he knew that he should probably just take what Brian offered. It was better than going to Debbie's without Brian. "I guess that could work. I’ll call her and see. What time will you be back here?"

"Probably just before one. Debbie wanted us there at one, right?" Brian asked, trying to remember the details.

"Yeah, but you're going to have to call Debbie and explain to her why we're going to be a little late. Are you sure you don't just want to meet us there after your interview?"

"No," Brian shook his head. "I'm going to want to change out of my suit before we go anyway, and I'd rather show up there with my family."

Justin bit his lip trying not to smile too much. He knew that his husband could just as easily bring a change of clothes but it was obvious that Brian really wanted them all to go together. He smiled at the thought and nodded his head. "Okay."

Brian leaned down and kissed Justin's nose, making Justin blush again. "I'm going to go get in the shower. You go call your mom." He heard Justin give a small moan and it thrilled Brian to know that he hadn't lost Justin yet. He could still make Justin respond to him, even with a simple kiss on his nose.

Justin leaned up and brushed a quick kiss to Brian's lips before trailing out of the bedroom to call his mother. He had a bounce to his steps and his heart felt so much lighter.

Brian undressed and got into the shower with a smile on his face. He was sure that things were going to work out just fine. They were going to be all right.

September 21, 2001

"Hey," Justin walked into Brian's office, his face alight with excitement. He closed and discreetly locked the door behind him.

Brian felt his groin tighten the second Justin walked in and smiled at him. "Hey," he answered. He grinned and pushed his chair away from his desk a little.

Justin took off his messenger bag and sat it on the empty space on Brian's desk. He then walked around to Brian and straddled the older man's lap.

"Did you finish class early?" Brian asked, smiling and leaning in to nibble on Justin's earlobe.

Justin grabbed Brian's face and turned it toward his own. His mouth sought and made contact with Brian's lips. "Something like that," he whispered in between kisses.

Brian's hands dug underneath his husband's shirt and he groaned low in his throat as soon as he felt the silky skin underneath his fingertips. "Get undressed," he ordered Justin.

Justin giggled and stood up from Brian's lap. He knew what was going to happen would be amazing and would leave Brian right where he wanted him.

"Hurry up," Brian told him as he chucked his shoes and pants across the floor.

Justin peeled his shirt off, unbuttoned his jeans and shimmied out of them as quickly as possible. He then started to toe off his shoes and socks.

"No underwear," Brian admonished, sitting back in his chair, now fully naked.

Justin smirked. "Am I your naughty boy?"

Brian grabbed Justin and pulled the younger man onto his lap once again. He forced his lips onto Justin's and swept his tongue inside Justin's hot mouth. "All mine."

Justin melted against Brian's body as they touched and felt one another's heated and perspiring skin. Their cocks were growing and leaking as they rubbed and slid against one another. With all his might, Justin pulled away from his lover and stood up.

"What are you doing?" Brian's words died on his lips as he saw his young husband turn around and lean over the desk. Justin’s head bowed and his fingers gripped the other side of the wood tightly.

Justin looked back at Brian, his eyelashes fluttered and his cheeks turned pink as he spoke to his lover. "Get me ready, Brian. I've been a very bad boy."

Brian's dick released copious amounts of precome as he rolled his chair up closer to Justin's body. His legs went between Justin's thighs and he spread his, making Justin spread his own further apart.

"Uh… Brian," Justin moaned. He felt Brian's hands ghost up the insides of his thighs. His husband’s fingers lightly brushed his heavy balls and then trailed, painstakingly slowly, over his pink entrance.

Brian bent his head forward as he dragged his fingers away from Justin's crack. He pulled and held his husband’s ass cheeks apart. His hard cock jumped and his mouth watered as his eyes locked onto Justin's tight hole. He paused in his movements so his eyes could appreciate the twitching entrance.

Justin's buried his face in the material of his messenger bag and panted, “Please, please Brian. Lick me, touch me, and fuck me, please.”

Brian decided not to torture Justin or himself for that matter any longer. He let out a small growl and attacked Justin’s begging hole.

“Ahhh, fuck yes,” Justin whispered as he felt Brian's tongue glide along the folds of his entrance.

Brian slathered his lover's hole with his saliva. He felt his cock jumping and growing even harder the more he feasted greedily on Justin's hungry ass. Brian always got to a point when he was eating Justin out where he'd forget everything and get completely lost in the primal act. He’d swirl his tongue inside Justin, the taste of the younger man’s silky folds and hot insides of his hole making him go nearly crazy every time he performed the act. He was sure that he loved doing it, as much as Justin so obviously loved receiving the pleasure.

He only pulled away when Justin's ass suddenly stopped the grinding it was doing onto his face. Brian’s sudden loss of ass on tongue and the confusion it caused was quickly remedied as his lover spun around and pushed him back into his chair.

Justin smirked at his lover. His heartbeat accelerated at an even more frantic pace at the sight of the surprised and manic look on Brian's spit-covered face.

Brian pulled Justin down onto his lap, making Justin straddle him. He crushed his mouth onto Justin's and pushed his tongue into the boy's mouth, sharing Justin’s musky taste with him. His hands trailed all over Justin's body, reaching between them to pinch one of Justin's nipples.

Justin yelled out as his husband squeezed his super-sensitive nipple. His entire body was pinging with sparks of fire. He humped against his husband and could feel Brian was just as much in need of coupling as he was. Justin reached under himself and found Brian's cock that lay against his crack. It was weeping and wet. His fingers glided the natural lube up and down his husband’s shaft, at the same time Brian was biting and sucking on his neck.

Brian felt Justin rise up off his lap. His eyes met the sultry blue ones belonging to his lover. He whispered in a hoarse voice, "Come on.” He squeezed Justin’s cheeks apart and urged him again, “Come on, get me inside you.” Justin held his dick within his warm fist, the tip only a hairsbreadth away from touching the entrance he'd worshipped minutes before with his tongue.

Justin smiled genuinely at Brian for just a moment before his lips opened in a gasp of pain and pleasure, his eyes closing. Justin lowered himself down and felt the thick head of Brian's cock push into his body.

Brian brought his hands around to Justin's hips. He tried his best to not move, not thrust up into the tight heat which he was only getting a small sample of for the time being. Justin’s body was a place he knew would feel like home as soon as his entire shaft was embedded within it.

Sometimes when Brian was inside Justin completely, when there was nowhere else to go, with his dick crammed and squeezed as deeply and tightly as Justin’s body would allow it to be, when their hearts would beat so fast inside their rapidly moving chests, forcing their breath into each other’s open mouths, looking into one another's unblinking eyes and grasping blond and auburn hair between their fingertips, Brian would think about what it would be like to just crawl inside Justin or switch places with him just so his husband could feel what he felt when he was buried inside the soft wet depths of his beloved.

Justin slowly lowered himself onto Brian's cock. The thickness at the bottom stretched his hole and made him wince. It was also a feeling he craved, one that caused his dick to harden and his mind to feel like it was at peace. He took a few deep breaths and leaned his forehead to rest it against Brian's sweaty shoulder.

Brian's fingers trailed up and down Justin's sweaty back mindlessly as his conscious state of being was only given to the experience of being connected with his blond. He groaned when he felt Justin start to move up again. He felt the boy’s inner muscles tighten around his cock as he did. Justin’s eyes opened and locked with his, his face becoming one of pure bliss.

Justin put his hands onto Brian’s shoulders to steady himself as he pulled himself up from Brian’s cock. He rose until Brian's head was out of his ring of muscle before he slammed back down. That was when their groans of ecstasy began and would not stop.

Justin and Brian's bodies moved to a static rhythm, their muscles straining as they fought to control the furious fucking and remain in tune with each other. Their pulses raced as their pleasure rose while nearing the point of completion.

Brian hauled himself up out of the chair, catching Justin's head before it hit the desktop. Justin's legs wrapped around Brian’s slim hips as Brian took over and began to thrust inside his body. The older man bent forward, kissed and nibbled a trail from Justin's neck up until he met his lips.

Brian felt Justin quaking beneath him, then with one more thrust, his cock head digging along Justin's prostate, they both groaned into each other’s mouths and came. Tingles and shudders wracked their bodies as their cocks released their pleasure.

Brian rested his head on Justin's chest as they both struggled to calm their breathing. His knees felt shaky and he knew he needed to sit down or he'd collapse to the floor and probably take Justin, still connected to his hard dick, with him to the ground.

"Fuck," Brian said, lifting himself up and slowly pulling out of Justin.

Justin smiled at his lover, but groaned at the loss of Brian from his body.

Brian collapsed back into the chair but then moved it forward and started to lick come from Justin's belly and cock. He made the younger man twitch from the extra stimulation. When Brian was done with eating his come Justin looked at him and sat up smiling, his feet rested on the arms of Brian's chair. "You missed some," he said.

Brian raised an eyebrow at Justin. "You know we're never going to have a baby if you keep making me eat my sperm out of you afterwards."

Justin turned beet red and chuckled, "I'm sure it'll be fine."

Brian rolled his eyes and pushed Justin’s body back onto the desk. He then spread his lover’s legs wide. He dove in once again to Justin’s hole and soon he had licked and sucked all of the come he could from his lover's body. When he was finished, he leaned up and pulled Justin to him. He then grabbed the back of Justin's neck, forcing his face down to meet him in a kiss to share their tastes.

"Mmm…" Justin said pulling away and laughing. "We're both a mess."

"Good thing I have a shower in my private bathroom then. Come on," Brian told him, and started to get up.

"Wait," Justin said, reaching behind him and grabbing his messenger bag.

"I think I can critique your new sketches after we shower, Justin. I'm fucking covered in our spit, sweat and come."

Justin sniffed Brian’s neck and kissed his way down to the man’s armpits. He inhaled the man’s scent and moaned out, "I like you that way." Justin smiled devilishly at his husband, raking his eyes up and down the man’s body and taking in Brian's ravaged appearance. Both of their cocks were filling with arousal again, but Justin knew that he had something urgent he needed to do before their desires carried them away again. He gave Brian a small peck on his lips, "I know we need to shower, but I have something to show you that can't wait."

Brian rolled his eyes. "Okay, what is it?"

Justin smiled and ruffled through his bag. "I told you I’d been a bad boy, Mr. Kinney. I even ditched class today."

"Justin," Brian admonished. "You only just started the semester..."

"Would you be quiet and let me talk?" Justin brought out a manila folder and handed it to Brian.

"A new project?" Brian asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Something like that," Justin answered mysteriously.

Brian opened the folder and looked at what was inside. He felt a flood of millions of different emotions course through his body all at once.

"I went to the doctor today because I was still feeling queasy," Justin explained.

Brian looked up from the photo. "Why didn't you tell me?"

Justin moved off the desk and crawled onto Brian's lap. "I know how disappointed you got a couple of weeks ago when the home test said I wasn't pregnant."

"But you were." Brian couldn't fight the tears in his eyes. “Right?”

"I’m seven weeks along," Justin said softly.

"And this is our baby?" Brian said curiously. "It looks like a picture of some intergalactic galaxy."

Justin laughed. "Yeah, that's our baby. Though I'm sure that to the baby, my womb isn't too far off from that. The doctor said the pictures will get much better as the baby grows. They might even be able to tell the baby’s sex by my next appointment, but I’m still not sure I want to know or not."

"I can't believe this," Brian whispered. He set the picture back into the folder and put his arms around Justin.

Justin kissed Brian's jaw, feeling his throat closing up from the emotions that began to soar within him from seeing his husband give him the biggest smile he’d ever received. "We did it, Dada," Justin told Brian, his voice raspy from holding back oncoming tears.

Brian kissed Justin's still-swollen lips and spoke in a choked voice, "You're having my baby, Daddy.”

December 24, 2007

Brian let out a long sigh as he pulled into Britin's driveway behind Jennifer's car. There was no point in turning off the ignition. They'd be leaving to go to Debbie's as soon as he changed clothes. He'd talked to Justin about twenty minutes ago. He was relieved to know that his husband and children were just fine and would be ready to leave.

Brian got out of the SUV. He'd taken Justin's car just in case Justin had decided instead to leave without him. Though he hated driving it, he did what he needed to do. A smile was plastered on his face as he trudged up to the house through the snow.

He reached the front door and saw that it was a little cracked open. Brian felt his blood run cold as he pushed it open the rest of the way. He cautiously entered the entryway and listened for any sounds but heard none. His skin prickled with fear as he walked slowly down the hall and stepped into the living room. His eyes scanned the room and saw the monstrosity that his brain was nearly incapable of comprehending.

Brian fell back against the wall and closed his eyes. "No…" he whispered, debating with himself on whether or not to open his eyes again. But he did.

Jennifer, Justin, Zaira and Reaghan were all lying on the sofa in front of the Christmas Tree. Each one had their eyes open in a dead stare, their clothing stained with blood from what looked to be gunshot wounds. Brian felt his stomach turn and he coughed as he fought down the bile rising in his throat.

"Mr. Kinney!" a steely voice roared his name.

Brian spun around and looked over at the owner of the deadly voice. A man dressed in all black and sporting a ski mask was pointing a gun at him. "Mr. Kinney!" the man shouted at him angrily.

Brian forced himself to step away from the wall, intent on dying himself. He didn't want to live this ending again! Never again! He didn't want to live without his family! That was no fucking life. But he didn't know what the fuck he could do to fix any of it. He wondered if maybe the point to all it was... for him to die. "Yes," Brian rasped out, tears falling down his cheeks.

The man came closer and closer, but Brian stood straight and tall as he did.

The man snarled at him, "You just don't get it yet, do you?"

Brian’s blurry eyes looked over at his dead family and then back into the red eyes of the gunman. "No…I don’t," he whispered.

"You asked for this chance," the man roared, his hot breath breathing against Brian’s face.

"I don't want them to die!" Brian told him.

"But they will because you just don't get it," the man placed the gun to Brian's forehead.

Brian felt the cold metal press into his skin and he barely heard the shot as it was released from the gun and the bullet rained into his skull.

***

"Nooo!" Brian bolted up in the bed, his breath labored and he looked at Justin who was standing beside their bed holding a breakfast tray.

"Merry Christmas Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Cwissmiss Eve, Dada!"

"Merry Christmas Eve, Brian," Justin said slowly, startled by Brian's intense and fearful green gaze.

 

The Christmas Eves

Chapter Six: “Manic Panic”

December 24, 2007

Brian groaned and rolled over in the bed, burying his face in the pillows, “No, no, no not again. Nothing works, nothing fucking works,” he mumbled.

“Daddy, is Dada sick?” Reaghan asked, worriedly peering at his father from behind Justin’s leg.

Justin looked cautiously at Brian. “I think so, baby boy.”

“Oh no, Dada! Where does it hurt?” Zaira asked, climbing up onto the bed and patting Brian’s disheveled hair.

Brian rolled back over and faced his daughter, but all he could see was the way she'd looked... “No!” Brian shouted, causing Zaira to jump back out of the bed.

“Dada?” Zaira asked worried.

“Dada is sick,” Reaghan said with a pout.

“Brian!” Justin said, alarmed. He set the breakfast tray down on the nightstand and leaned over his lover.

Brian had fallen hard onto his back and put his hands over his face. The loneliness that he felt thinking of going back to the world without his family and the frustration of not knowing what the fuck he was even doing in this warped world were driving him mad.

Justin touched Brian's shoulder. “Brian what's wrong?”

Brian jumped at the contact and tore his hands from his face. “What are you doing?” he shouted.

Justin jumped back and turned to address his children who looked like they were close to crying. “Go play, okay? Dada isn't feeling good and you guys don't want to catch it and be sick on Christmas, do you?” Justin hoped the mention of Christmas would brighten their darkened glassy eyes.

“No,” Zaira said.

Reaghan stuck his thumb in his mouth. “No,” he answered around it.

“Please, please, please tell me what I'm supposed to do?” Brian asked staring up at the ceiling.

“Go on, guys. I'll make sure Dada is okay,” Justin said with a forced smile. He really had no idea what was wrong with Brian. He'd never seen him act this way.

Zaira grabbed Reaghan's arm, making his thumb pop out of his mouth. “Come on.”

The children disappeared out the door and Justin went behind them to lock it. He was pretty sure that whatever was wrong with his husband wasn't anything medicine would fix. 'Has Brian had a mental breakdown?' he wondered. “Brian, what's going on?”

“Just go,” Brian said sitting up and glaring at Justin. “I'll live.”

“You really freaked me out,” Justin moved to sit beside Brian but the older man suddenly bolted out of the bed.

“What?” he said in a mock laugh. “You?” Brian started to pace the floor in front of Justin.

“You yelled at Zaira,” Justin told him. “You haven't acted like yourself for a long fucking time, but that was...” he trailed off not knowing what to say.

Brian walked up to Justin and stared at him, “I'm a bad father.”

“What?” Justin said stepping back away from him.

“I'm a bad father, Justin! I'm just like...”

“You aren't like him, Brian! You aren't,” Justin protested.

“You don't fucking mean that. I know you don't,” Brian could feel tears fall down his cheeks as he spoke. “I'm a bad husband too.”

Justin walked closer to Brian, put his hands on the man’s shoulders, and looked up at him. “Brian? Honey, what is it?” he asked in a soft voice.

Brian held his chin up and refused to look down at Justin; his entire body was trembling from the opposing emotions barreling through him.

“Whatever it is...”

Brian pushed Justin away from him, “Whatever it is? I don't even fucking know what IT is?”

Justin bit his lip trying to fight off his own tears. “What's got you so upset, Brian? Did you have a nightmare? I don't understand...”

Brian grabbed Justin by the shoulders. “The last year of my fucking life has been a nightmare, especially the last three days! I don't understand any of it either, Sunshine; you're not alone!”

Justin thought he and Brian had made progress the last three days. The man had even come home early and they'd spent time together watching movies and doing last-minute Christmas shopping. He was so sure that this morning was going to be perfect. He thought that Brian would actually be happy when he opened the card. He'd been a fool. “Stop it, Brian!” Justin yelled back and tried to push Brian away from him. “You're hurting me.”

Brian released Justin. “That's all I do though, isn't it?” He turned away and started to pace as he ran his hands through his hair. “Nothing I do is right! Nothing works!”

Justin was trembling in fear. He wasn't afraid of Brian; he was afraid of whatever it was that was hurting his husband. “You don't always hurt me,” he tried to reassure the older man.

“Don't lie to me, Justin. Instead, why don't you tell me the truth!” Brian stopped once again and stared at Justin with his hands waving in the hair. “Nothing I do will ever work for you. It's all going to end up the same no matter what I do.”

“Brian,” Justin tried to move toward Brian but the older man had started to rant again.

“You don't love me anymore, do you?” Brian asked. “I've fucked everything up and I always have so why don't you just tell me! Admit what I know you've been thinking and maybe then this will all be over with for good.” Brian backed up against the bathroom door and started to slide down it to the ground.

“No, Brian! I don't want that,” Justin pleaded; he couldn't stop his tears now as he slowly walked over toward his lover.

“You do. I know that now. You aren't supposed to be with me. I can do nothing for you, Justin,” Brian spoke, his hair a mess and sticking to his forehead and face from the sweat and tears.

“That isn't true, Brian,” Justin sank to the floor and crawled his way over. “You've given me so much but you've gotten lost this past year. But you still gave me something wonderful, Brian.” Justin reached out, grabbed his husband’s hand, and put it on his stomach, “I'm...”

“No!” Brian roared as he disengaged his hand and stood up. He couldn't bear to think about that! He couldn't! He would lose it all anyway, right? He didn't want Justin to tell him. He wished he'd never fucking known in the first place.

Justin looked up at Brian. “Brian, please I need to tell you...”

Brian glared down at Justin. “I don't want to hear any more bullshit, okay? I'm not sick; I just finally fucking see what the point of all this is.”

“What's that?” Justin dared to whisper as he struggled to his feet.

“You, this...” Brian waved his hands around the room. “This is my own personal hell.”

Justin felt like he'd been sucker punched in the gut and had to lean against the wall, “You don't mean that.”

“What else could this be, Justin? Or do you know? Is this how you planned to get back at me for all the ways I've fucking wronged you?”

'He knows.' Justin thought as he bowed his head and wiped his tears. 'He knows I'm pregnant and he thinks I got pregnant to get back at him?' This thought only made all of Justin’s feelings pulse and run with anger. “This IS your fault!” Justin spat, gaining strength and his composure.

“Well there, you said it!” Brian laughed.

“You think I did this? You're the one who fucked...”

“Yes!” Brian interrupted. “I fucked up! I made the biggest mistake of my life. And now I'm going to pay for it... for fucking ever!”

“I can't believe you're being like this, Brian!” Justin spat. “I fucking...”

“You hate me, I know! That's why this is happening. It's your own personal revenge. I get it, okay? So just get out. Leave me alone and let me get ready to go to fucking work and live this shitty fucking day already!”

“I never stopped loving you!” Justin said stepping up to look Brian in the eye. “Not until this very moment.”

“Well, I'm glad I could recreate this perfect moment for you,” Brian laughed menacingly before turning and opening the door to the bathroom.

“Don't bother coming to Debbie's tonight,” Justin told him angrily. “I'll make your excuses for you this last fucking time. After all, it's nothing new.”

Brian huffed, “No. It really isn't.”

Justin turned away as the door slammed in his face. He looked over at the bed and wanted to go and crawl in it. He wanted to disappear. His entire life was falling apart! But he knew he couldn't do that, not today. He couldn't spoil the day any more than Brian already had. If he and Brian were over, there was no reason he needed to dwell on it right now. He had to think of his children. It was up to him and him alone now. He'd have to get used to it.

Brian stood in the shower under the hot spray. “I'm ending this now. Everything is just the way it was that day. If I don't try to stop it then it'll have to end, right? Cause I'm not going to try again. And if it ends that way... then it'll put an end to their suffering. Whoever you are that's doing this... I won't let you torture them any more.” Brian fell back onto the bench and sobbed into his hands. “I'd rather be in a hell without them.”

***

Michael looked out the window onto the back lawn. The whole family was outside playing in the snow as they did every year. Michael had followed Justin back inside after Justin had offered to go in and make hot chocolate for the kids and coffee for the adults. Justin had opted for the chocolate confection and then had gone into the fridge to get out the dessert Debbie had put away.

“Jesus, Justin, that's your fourth piece of gingerbread cake,” Michael said, sitting down at the kitchen table beside Justin.

“I wasn't aware that you were counting,” Justin said dryly in between bites.

“I've just been watching you, that’s all,” Michael commented.

Justin rolled his eyes. “Didn't know I was that interesting.”

“I guess it's not so much fun to play in the snow without Brian here,” Michael said, changing the subject.

“I was having fun with Zaira and Reaghan,” Justin said, raising his brows at Michael and wondering just where this conversation was leading.

“I know,” Michael sighed. “But you guys are usually down on the ground making forts with the kids and this year you barely threw a snowball at anyone.”

Justin took another big forkful and put it in his mouth. “I'm just tired.”

“Have you told him?” Michael asked in a whisper.

Justin swallowed his bite, looked away from Michael and took a drink of milk. He wasn't exactly sure what Michael was referring to. Had Daphne told him about him possibly seeking a divorce or was he talking about the babies? “Told who what?” he deadpanned.

“Have you told Brian that you’re pregnant?” Michael asked softly.

“What are you talking about, Michael?” He really didn't want anyone knowing until the entire divorce was finalized. The added pressure and pity he'd surely get being pregnant and divorced wasn't something he was looking forward to. Not that he was looking forward to any part of the upcoming divorce.

“I saw you coming out of Dr. Rhine's office,” Michael told him.

Justin huffed, “So you have been spying on me?”

“No.” Michael put his hand on Justin's shoulder and Justin winced and moved away from him, but not before Michael saw the pained look on his face. “Justin, what is going on? Are you hurt?”

Justin sighed to himself; he wished he knew what was going on. Brian's moods were always so manic lately. There were either good days or bad, nothing in between. And yes, he was hurt, but not in the physical sense really. He knew though that Brian hadn't meant to squeeze his shoulders so roughly and he had stopped as soon as Justin had asked. But Justin couldn't tell Michael any of that. “Brian and I had some rough sex, Michael. I'm okay.” Justin gave him a reassuring smile and was happy when it seemed Michael had taken the bait.

“Oh, yeah. Well... its just you seem so... so sad and I was worried it was something else. Hell, I know Ben sometimes leaves bruises on my hips...” he trailed off and blushed.

Justin smiled. “I'm going to go call everyone in.”

“Wait, Justin. You didn't answer me,” Michael said.

“I haven't exactly told him yet,” Justin breathed out.

“But why not? Don't you think he'll be happy? Hell, I remember when you were surprised with Reaghan coming along. He was so fucking happy.”

“Brian's got a lot of stuff going on right now and I don't want to add to the stress.” Justin chastised himself mentally for making up another excuse for Brian.

“But having a baby is a wonderful thing. Maybe it will help Brian...”

“What, Michael?” Justin asked exasperated. “What do you think it will help? Will it help him be home more often with his family? Will it help him come to all of the things he has missed of Zaira's and Reaghan's this year? All the things he's going to continue to miss?” Justin felt tears come into his eyes and he put his hands on his hips. “Or will it help him to show up to family dinners on Christmas Eve instead of burying himself in work at Kinnetik and inevitably ruining other people's Christmas too? Will it help him be the father and husband he promised me he'd be? Will it help take away all the pain he caused when he basically told me that he wanted to end our marriage this morning?”

Michael looked at Justin in shock, not sure exactly what to say to the young blond. “I'm sorry, Justin.” Michael walked over and took his best friend's husband into his arms.

“You can't tell him, Michael. I think he knows, but I'm not sure. I don't want him to know. Not now. I don't want anyone to know.”

“Okay, I won't tell,” Michael said. “I promise. I won't say a word.”

Justin wasn't sure when he'd ended up sobbing in Michael’s arms or when the other man had led him up the stairs into his old bedroom. The last thing he remembered was Michael pulling the covers up around him and feeling soothing circles being rubbed on his back as he fell into an exhausted sleep.

Michael stood up from his childhood bed and took a deep breath. He looked down at Justin's tear-streaked face and finally saw all of it there. Justin's eyes had dark, almost black circles under them and he looked so fucking lonely, even in his sleep. He wondered what the hell Brian had done, but then again he knew. Brian hadn't done anything... and that was the problem. The man hadn't been paying any attention to Justin at all.

He went over to the window and looked out again at his happy family playing outside. Everyone was oblivious to the amount of pain Justin was experiencing. He needed to call Brian. He'd promised he wouldn't say anything about the baby, but he would be damned if he'd let his best friend throw away the best things in his life and in turn ruin Justin’s and the children's.

He watched for a few minutes and saw that everyone was starting to come in and so he closed the bedroom door, leaving Justin to sleep while he went downstairs.

“Daddy?” Zaira called from the kitchen where everyone was taking off their wet clothes and boots.

“Your Daddy's upstairs taking a nap, kiddo,” Michael told her.

“Oh, is he sick?” Jennifer asked, worried about her son.

“But what about pwesents?” Reaghan asked. “We are going to open them now.”

Michael looked at the adults who could all sense the tension coming from him, “Why don't you all open up the gifts? Jennifer, you make sure you take some pictures for Justin and Brian.”

“But Daddy can't miss the presents,” Zaira pouted, marching toward Michael.

“Is Daddy sick?” Reaghan asked his grandmother’s question.

Michael sighed and bent down. “He is sick. He ate too much dessert and it made his tummy hurt so he had to go lay down for a nap.”

“Jeffrey,” Michael addressed his son, “why don't you and Reaghan be Zaira's helpers and separate all the presents into piles. You can read the names on the tags, right Zaira?”

“I sure can!” she said proudly.

“Great, you guys go ahead and play Santa and then we'll have some hot cocoa before we open the gifts. Maybe Daddy will be up from his nap by the time you get done.”

The kids all smiled, excited that they got to do something so grown up. “But don't open any of the presents, okay?”

The children agreed and then skipped into the family room. Michael stood up and looked at his family. All eyes were on him.

“What's going on?” Deb asked.

“Is something the matter with Justin?” Lindsay asked worriedly.

“He wasn't acting like himself outside,” Emmett observed.

“He didn't even make a snowman with the kids,” Melanie added.

Michael sighed, “Have you noticed that Brian isn't here?”

“He's never...” Deb trialed off. “Oh.”

“Shit, what's that fucker done now?” Melanie asked shaking her head.

“Quiet, Mel, the kids are right there,” Lindsay told her partner, rubbing Mel's large pregnant stomach.

“Didn't Justin say he had that interview with the Forbes people? Then Brian had to finish the campaign so they could all have the next week off?” Blake jumped in, the dissatisfaction at having his partner Ted not with him clearly evident in his voice.

“That’s what Justin told me when he got to the hotel this morning,” Jennifer confirmed. “But he seemed fine about it. He said he was happy for Brian’s success.”

“But at what cost to his family?” Ben asked.

“Brian's never around anymore,” Emmett said in a whisper.

“Listen,” Michael put his hands on his hips. “I'm going to go up to Kinnetik and talk some sense into Brian, but I need you guys to make sure Justin stays asleep. He's really stressed out about all of this and I think that's what got his stomach so upset.” It wasn't a total lie.

“We've all been ignoring the fact that Brian hasn't been showing up to family functions for far too long,” Debbie said grasping the situation.

“I hate not living close to him,” Jennifer said. “We used to be so close and he’d talk to me about everything but I think he’s been hiding how he really feels from everyone. I thought that when Justin came to the beach house this summer with just him and the kids, things were fine. He said that Brian had emergency meetings and he even said it would be nice to be with just him and the kids and me.”

“It’s not your fault, Jen,” Debbie said. “We see them all the time and we didn’t realize the impact.”

“It's almost five o'clock. There's no reason why anyone should be working this late on Christmas Eve. So I'm going to go talk to Brian, send Ted and Cynthia here and hopefully I won't have to drag Brian here, but I will if I have to,” Michael said, determined.

“You're a good man, Michael,” Ben said going forward and kissing his lover.

“Wish me luck,” Michael said before waving goodbye to his family, glancing one last time at Reaghan and Zaira before going to find their father.

***

“I'll see you at Deb's in a few, Brian,” Ted said as he passed Brian's office.

“Yeah,” Brian replied noncommittally.

Ted didn't notice. He was just happy to be able to finally leave the office. He was happy though that they'd gotten everything they needed done on the campaign and that Kinnetik would then be closed until after the New Year.

Brian stared at the clock on his computer screen. In six more minutes, as planned, Justin and the children would be killed outside his office at the four-way stop at the corner of the building. He wasn't going to out and watch it. He figured that 'fate' or whatever the fuck was fucking with him would just realize that he was done. He was done with it all.

He didn't want to think about the atrocious pain his children and Justin would be in. He didn't want them to have the fear of knowing they were going to die. He wasn't going to watch the vehicle cross and speed through the intersection and instantly wipe away his family. He couldn't stop it though, he'd realized this. This all had to have just been his ticket on a crazy train through hell.

He thought about what Justin must have thought about yesterday's today, when the murderer had gone into their home. It was obviously just some kind of demon or ghost of a person in this fucked-up world sent to ruin his life, but he was pretty sure that Justin, Jennifer and his children had to have endured their fate in a terrifying way.

He wondered if Justin had to watch Reaghan and Zaira be shot before he himself was shot. Who had been the first? Who had been the last? It didn't matter. Not now, not really. It only served to remind him of his purpose to end it all the way it had the first time.

Only this time he wouldn't be walking out of the office with a smile, happy to be going on his way to Debbie's house and instead seeing the SUV be slammed into. And then watch in agonizing, still clarity as he saw the vehicle turn over and over again, his family bounced and jostled inside as the metal and glass pierced through their bodies and then stand and watch as it burst into flames only a few feet from him.

There had been no screams; there had been no time for any. The other car had hit the SUV with such force into the gas tank it had only been a half a minute before it exploded. The car hadn't even come to a complete stop from its final flip when it had. He'd seen their bodies through the windows for mere seconds before the fire nearly blinded him. Then his life, everything had ended along with theirs. Whatever world he was in now wasn't real and he couldn't make it real enough to make the bad go away.

He looked down at the clock and saw there was one minute to go. He heard a roaring fast engine outside on the street and he held his breath for the sounds that had haunted his nightmares for so long. But the minutes ticked by and nothing came. He sat there and waited and waited and waited... but still nothing and it was four minutes after his family's date with death.

“Fucking son of a bitch!”

“Jesus Christ!” Brian nearly jumped out of his chair at the sound of Michael’s voice.

“Michael?” Brian asked warily at the man standing in his office.

“Idiot driver ran the stop sign. Good thing I have no pick-up in my car,” he said.

“What are you doing here?” Brian asked getting up.

“I should ask you the same question,” Michael eyed him.

“But...”

“Where's Justin?” Brian asked. “The kids?”

“You care?” Michael asked him.

“What are you talking about, Mikey?”

“Don't play dumb with me. I know you asked Justin for a divorce this morning; he told me. But that's fucking bullshit, Brian. You're so into your own bullshit you can't get out. We all may have been ignoring it, not seeing it because we didn't want to get involved in your relationship and Justin seemed to be...”

“Hold up!” Brian said. This was not in the plans at all. He hadn't asked Justin for a divorce that morning or on the morning 'one year' ago. He'd fought with him and pushed him off a cliff the same way he had. He was also sure that Justin hadn't talked with Mikey about their relationship. Mikey wouldn't have tried to be so good to him after their deaths if he had. That Brian was sure of. So what had changed?

“You need to get your ass in gear, Brian!” Michael yelled, refusing to back down. “You need to get up and come home with me right now and go fix things with Justin!”

“Fix things with Justin? What did he tell you?” Brian asked.

“He said that you asked him for a fucking divorce, Brian. What the fuck? Why would you do that? Have you been cheating on him?” He grilled.

“No, Mikey. I haven't been cheating on him and I didn't ask for a divorce,” Brian went to his closet and pulled out his coat and put it on and then went to start gathering up the things for his briefcase from his desk.

“Well, something sure fucking happened. He thinks you want a divorce, Brian.”

“We had a fight, but...” he trailed off. “He talked to you about us?”

“Yeah... he, well he broke down and told me. You don't pay attention to him Brian. The family wasn't paying attention really either. We thought... well, I don't know what. You didn't like us interfering when you first got together so we all tried to stay out of it as you personally asked us to. But we can't anymore.”

Brian didn't say anything. He shut down his computer and grabbed his briefcase and the keys to Kinnetik. He couldn't deny that Mikey was right. He hadn't paid attention to Justin or the kids. He'd failed them. He had.

“He's napping in my old room and we’re just about ready to do present so we need to hurry,” Michael said as they walked out of Kinnetik.

“Is he okay?” Brian asked his friend. Though he knew that after the argument and the way he'd treated his blond there was no way he was close to being okay.

“He will be if you go up and talk to him. Try and sneak in before the kids see you. I'm sure they'd love to see you two come down the stairs together. You know, they sense that something isn't right between their Dads.”

“I know,” Brian said locking the building up. “But I'm still not sure what that is,” he confessed.

***

Brian quickly snuck into the house. He glanced at his children who were happily being read a book by Jennifer, snuggled up safe and alive on the couch beside her. He let out a breath of relief as he climbed the stairs.

When he opened the door to Mikey's old room he saw Justin laid curled on his side under the covers, a strand of blond hair held between the fingers of his left hand. He looked so tired, but peaceful at the same time. Brian felt himself grow tired looking at his husband. So, so, so fucking tired. Tired of it all.

Brian took off his coat and shoes and climbed in the bed under the covers behind Justin. He felt Justin stir as he spooned up against him.

“Brian,” Justin croaked out.

“It's me. I'm here. I promise you, Justin. I'm here now,” Brian told him, his lips in Justin's hair. He breathed in Justin's scent and snaked his arms around Justin’s body.

Justin lay stiffly in Brian’s arms. He wanted to revel in the security he usually found when he was wrapped in them, but right now he couldn’t. He was so fucking scared of what would set Brian off again and didn’t want to get his hopes up. “But for how long?” Justin whispered.

Brian swallowed the lump in his throat. “Forever, I promise you.”

Justin turned around in Brian’s arms and felt his lover draw him closer into his strong frame. He stared into Brian’s eyes looking to see if there was any of the Brian from that morning left in him but saw none. He didn’t see the green eyes blazing nearly black; now they were a soft, glassy hazel. “You’ve made me so many promises that you’ve broken,” Justin told him, running his hands along Brian’s shadowed cheeks.

Brian nodded and closed his eyes; his eyelashes fluttered under Justin’s fingertips and he absorbed the feeling of having Justin touch him so tenderly once again. It had been so long. Too long. The passionate kisses they’d shared were wonderful, but this felt so much different. It was so peaceful and his emotions and mind weren’t at war with each other. He was calm. “I want to fix everything, Justin.”

Justin kissed Brian’s jaw and continued to touch Brian as the other man’s hands made their way under his sweater and splayed themselves on the small of his back, a couple of the fingers tucked inside his waistband. He didn’t want Brian to give up on them; he didn’t want to give up on their marriage and he loved Brian. What he’d told him hadn’t been true; he had lied to Brian for the first time since he’d known him. He never stopped loving the man, not for a second. But he couldn’t just forgive and forget without knowing for sure that Brian was going to change. He needed a grand gesture of some kind, because the little things Brian had done to give him hope were so easily taken from him and shattered lately. “How do you think you can fix this, Brian?”

Brian loved having Justin touch and trace his skin with his fingers as though it was the first time and the pads were learning the textures, curves and lines. Brian always felt like Justin was painting an invisible work of art all over his body whenever his lover would touch him, and when he caressed his face like this it was as if he was casting away the darkness within him and coating him in light. It was hard for him to open his eyes again and focus on the conversation he needed to have with his husband. “I don’t know how I can fix this, Justin. I... I know I’ve hurt you worse. So much of what I said this morning I didn’t mean. I was just so confused. You’re right though, I did have a nightmare. In it, you and the kids, you left me. And I deserved it and I know that I deserve it now if that’s what you still want.”

“It’s not what I want, Brian,” Justin quickly told him.

“I’m no good for you.” Brian squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again. “I’m selfish for wanting you to stay with me. I want to be the man that you fell in love with, I want to be who you and the kids deserve but I don’t think I am worthy of that chance to show you. I know I’m not.”

“I know that you are,” Justin said brushing the two tears that had fallen from Brian’s eyes away. “You always were worth the chance, Brian.”

Brian let out a long sigh, “Even with everything I said, everything I’ve done... or I guess I should say everything I didn’t do?”

Justin nodded his head. “I’d give you a million chances as long as you kept wanting them, Brian. Though I hope I won’t need to.”

“You won’t. This is it, I promise you. And I won’t break a promise again,” Brian vowed.

“I said I’d give you a million chances, Brian, and I would. But it’s not only about me. I have to think about the kids and you have to do right by them. They are innocent. They are the ones you disappoint the most and they are the ones you need to make it up to, much more than me.”

Brian leaned down and kissed Justin’s forehead, “I know. I will and I know that I need to make it up to you just as much.”

“Show me you mean it, Brian,” Justin told him softly.

Brian moved and rolled Justin under him so that he was lying on his back. He propped his arms up beside Justin’s head and ran his fingers back and forth along the soft smiling cheeks of his husband. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. I won’t ever stop, Brian,” Justin told him.

Brian shook his head. “Me neither.”

“Brian, I have something I need to tell you. I tried to tell you this morning but I don’t...”

“Daddy, wake uuuuuup... Dada!” Zaira came barreling into the room.

“Dada!” Reaghan giggled, running behind his sister as the both jumped onto the bed.

Brian and Justin sat up just in time to catch the kids in a big group hug. “You’re here!” Zaira said excitedly to her father.

“You aren’t sick, Dada?” Reaghan asked his father, hugging him around the neck.

“No... No, I’m not sick. I feel wonderful!” Brian told him, ruffling his son’s blond hair.

“Do you feel better after your nap, Daddy?” Zaira asked Justin.

“I do, Baby,” Justin, said smiling.

“Well then, it’s time for presents!” Zaira exclaimed, jumping off the bed and onto the floor, bouncing on her toes.

“Yay! Let’s go, Dada!” Reaghan pulled on Brian’s arm forcing him to get up and stand.

Brian pulled Justin along with him. “Come on, Sunshine. It’s Christmas Eve and we’ve got presents to open.”

“Santa’s coming tonight too!” Zaira informed her fathers as they walked down the stairs into the crowded, warm living room.

“Then we better get to open the gifts so that we can get you both in bed before Santa comes, huh?” Justin said, laughing and drawing everyone’s attention to his family.

“Brian!” Jennifer said coming out of the kitchen. “Glad you could join us.”

“Me too,” Brian said giving Jennifer a hug, perhaps tighter than he normally did. “Soooo, where are my presents?” he asked, pulling away.

***

“Come on, out of the car and upstairs you two,” Justin said opening Reaghan’s door.

“Are you going to read ‘The Night before Christmas.’ Dada?” Zaira asked yawning as she hopped out of the car.

“Of course,” Brian told her. “Don’t we always read it before Santa comes?”

“Yes, we do!” Reaghan answered.

Once the family was inside they all went upstairs. “Let’s go get you guys in your jammies.”

“Justin, let me help get them ready for bed,” Brian told him. “Why don’t you go and take a warm shower and get in some comfortable clothes. I’ll read them a couple of the other Christmas books while we wait.”

Justin looked at Brian in surprise. “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” Brian told him. leaning down and kissing his lover’s cold cheek.

“I know where the Christmas PJ’s are, Dada,” Zaira told him. “Daddy took us shopping last week at Macy’s and we bought them.”

“I know, Daddy showed them to me. Why don’t you show me where he put them, okay?”

“I bought a couple of different ones,” Justin reminded Brian.

“I know, and tonight you want Reaghan to wear the green ones with the snowman and Zaira to wear the pink ones with the snowflakes right?” Brian asked, remembering what Justin had told him when he’d bought them.

Justin flushed, “Yes.”

“I got it under control; go relax for a few minutes. We’ll be in bed waiting for you.” Brian kissed Justin’s lips soundly before he went after Zaira and Reaghan.

Justin smiled to himself as he walked into their bedroom. Brian had listened to him. He had paid attention to HIM! Things were going to be okay.

***

“And to all a good night,” Brian closed the book and looked at his family. They were all passed out asleep in him and Justin’s king-size bed.

It had started off as a bad day but it was ending well. It felt so good to be snuggled in with them. Zaira and Reaghan were cuddled together in between him and Justin so Brian had to be careful not to wake them as he got out of the bed.

Justin’s eyelashes fluttered open. “Where are you going?” he mumbled in a whisper, barely able to keep his eyes open.

“Someone’s got to play Santa and eat the cookies,” he reminded Justin.

Justin started to move out of the bed. “Hey, no,” Brian said, going around and pushing Justin gently back down into warm bed. “I’ll do it. You need sleep.”

“Okay,” Justin whispered and clumsily kissed Brian’s lips before curling back around his children and drifting back to sleep.

***

An hour later Brian re-entered their bedroom. He smiled seeing that Justin and the kids were in the same place they’d been when he left.

He got undressed and put on the dark green silk pajama pants Justin had given him last year. He’d bought Justin red silk ones. He couldn’t believe that he was actually sort of matching Justin’s pajamas. The thought made him smile though, he could care less. It made Justin happy. That’s all that mattered.

Brian eased back into his recently vacated spot and put his arms around his children, his hand finding Justin’s. He stayed awake as long as he could to watch them until his eyes finally closed.

 

The Christmas Eves

Chapter Seven “Baby Shampoo”

Didn't mean to deceive you, believe me. But sometimes the hardest part is conceiving, the good intentions that you had. Now only came to this. And although she saw the mark, the arrow missed. It isn’t exciting reciting the stories, of kind words turned hurting, when routine gets boring. -Tom DeLonge (Apple Shampoo)

***

December 24, 2007

Brian awoke the next morning to the same three voices saying the same thing he had heard repeatedly. However, this time something inside him shifted when he heard the words. He could do nothing other than give his children and husband a sleepy smile and reply to them, “Merry Christmas Eve!”

He rubbed at his eyes and sat up, propping himself up against the headboard. “What do you guys have there?”

“It’s your very special breakfast, Dada!” Zaira told him as she climbed up into the bed.

“The kids wanted to make you a nice breakfast.” Justin carefully handed his husband the tray of food.

“Mmmm… smells delicious.” Brian looked at Justin. “Where’s your food?”

“Oh, the kids and I ate earlier downstairs,” Justin told him, secretly happy that Brian had asked.

“Well, next time you should just call me down and I’ll come eat with all of you,” Brian said. He smiled at Justin’s bewildered look, but at the same time, it made him sad to think that his husband would be surprised by him wanting to be together as a family. “Come on, Reaghan, get up here. I really can’t eat all of this on my own and I’m sure you didn’t get enough bacon.”

Reaghan climbed up into the bed. “Daddy said I could only have two strips because we didn’t have very many. I love bacon.”

“I also gave you my strip of bacon,” Justin reminded his son.

“You didn’t get any bacon, Justin?” Brian asked.

“I had two strips,” Zaira told her father. “I’m stuffed.” She patted her belly.

“Well there was only enough…”

“You gave me four pieces, Justin. Bacon is your favorite food, isn’t it?” Brian held out two of his pieces toward Justin.

Justin’s mouth watered. He hated the smell and taste of bacon when he was pregnant with Zaira but when he was pregnant with Reaghan he was nearly obsessed with it and his cravings had to have transferred to his son, or vice versa. Justin was unearthed by the way Brian was treating him. He was so nice and caring. Sure, they had spent time together the last couple of days but he was sure that it was only because Brian was trying to diffuse the tension from the argument when he had told Justin that he would be working on Christmas Eve.

“Yoo-hoo! Justin?” Brian waved the bacon at Justin.

“No, that’s okay,” Justin replied.

“I know you want it,” Brian told him with a sparkle behind his words.

Justin gulped.

“I’ll eat em’ if you won’t, Daddy,” Reaghan informed his father while his mouth was full with the piece Brian had given him.

“Are you all right, Brian?” Justin asked as he reached out and took the bacon.

“I’m fine, Justin,” Brian said and watched as Justin devoured the bacon, and then blushed when he realized Brian had watched him do it so quickly. “I remember when you craved bacon with Reaghan, and you would make me get up in the middle of the night and make it for you.”

Justin swallowed the food before speaking. “You remember that?”

“Of course I remember that.” Brian smiled and started wolfing down his meal.

“I’m going to go put the dishes in the washer,” Justin said, quickly leaving the room before Brian could swallow his bite and say anything to stop him.

“Dada, Daddy helped us make you a card,” Zaira pointed to the envelope.

Brian smiled. “I see that.”

“Open it,” Reaghan said excitedly.

Brian reached for it and stopped. “I think I’ll wait until I can open it with Daddy.”

“Can we watch Frosty?” Reaghan asked.

“Daddy said we have to watch it in the playroom and not bother Dada,” Zaira said in a conspiratorial not-so-soft whisper.

“Oh!” Reaghan sounded disappointed and put his thumb in his mouth.

“We can watch it in here,” Brian told them.

Both of the kids started cheering as Brian found the remote control and turned the television on. He hoped that Justin would come back soon so they could all watch the show together and that maybe Justin would even cuddle up next to him as they had with the kids last night, or… whatever night that turned out to be.

Brian sat wondering when Justin would come back more than he watched the program. He waited and waited and Frosty was almost over when Justin came into the room carrying a large and obviously heavy laundry basket full of linens.

Brian moved from around the kids and quickly got up to help Justin, taking the basket away from him.

“What are you doing, Brian?” Justin asked as Brian started to put the things away.

“I’m helping you. Why don’t you…”

Justin put his hands on his hips and leaned in toward Brian and whispered, “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on? You’re acting so strange.”

Brian just shook his head at his husband, not knowing what to say, and finished putting the things away. When he was done, he looked at Justin who was still staring at him as if he was sizing him up. “What?”

“I asked you what is going on with you,” Justin whispered again.

Justin was tired; he had been up early that morning puking, and then the kids had woken up even earlier than usual and suggested making their father breakfast. Of course, Justin would have loved to just let the kids actually be the ones making it. They helped, of course, but it was himself that did most of the work. It was still early morning and already he was agitated and worn out. He was also not looking forward to spending the day without Brian.

“I have a surprise for you,” Brian said with a bright smile and took Justin into his arms.

Justin awkwardly inched his body away from Brian’s. “What?”

“I want to tell the kids too; it looks like Frosty is over so now is the perfect time,” Brian told his husband mysteriously. He walked over to the bed, pulling Justin by the hand along with him.

“Guess what guys?” Brian took the remote, shut the television off, and sat on the bed. He again made Justin follow; Justin next to him with a worried expression on his face.

“What, Dada?” Reaghan asked, crawling over and sitting on Brian’s lap.

Zaira smiled. “Are we gonna go out and play in the snow?” she guessed.

Brian laughed. “No, not until we get to Grandma Debbie’s later.”

“What is it?” Justin gritted out through his teeth in a falsely happy tone.

Brian turned and looked at Justin. “I’ve decided that our two week vacation starts today.”

Zaira and Reaghan’s immediate exhilaration at their father’s words nearly drowned out the beating in Justin’s ears from the sudden blood pumping madly through his heart. He couldn’t’ believe it! Brian was actually staying home. Or maybe… “Are you working from your home office?” Justin asked before he let his happiness show.

Brian took Justin’s hand and squeezed it. “No, I’m yours.” He addressed the children, “I am not going to be working at all. All we’re going to do today is have fun.”

The children cheered and Justin slowly felt tension leave his body as he looked at Brian and his children together. He seemed just like the man he had married; he was acting like the father Justin knew Brian could be! He turned and looked at the empty breakfast tray. The card still sat unopened. What in the world has made Brian change so suddenly? he wondered to himself.

Brian was on the bed tickling Reaghan and Zaira and having a blast. He could feel Justin’s eyes burning into him. “So what are we going to do today?” he asked them.

“Play!” Zaira and Reaghan shouted.

“We will,” Brian told them. “You two scurry off to the playroom. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Reaghan and Zaira both kissed their fathers before leaving the room.

It was quiet for a few minutes and Justin and Brian just stared at each other until the younger man finally broke the silence. “We need to be at Debbie’s house at...”

“One o’clock, I remember, Justin.”

“But we have to go to my mom’s hotel first,” Justin reminded him.

“Why don’t you invite your mom to come here before we go? I’m sure she’d like to see what you did with Reaghan and Zaira’s rooms.”

“I sent her pictures,” Justin said. “But that sounds like a good idea. That way we could do presents in front of our Christmas tree instead of in her hotel room.”

“Good.” Brian smiled and got up from the bed.

“Are you going to take a shower?” Justin asked his husband.

“No, I was thinking I’d go play with the kids in the playroom, like I told them I would. But first I need to call Cynthia, Ted and the interviewer.”

“Ok, I guess I’ll go down and call my mom too.” Justin got up but Brian gently pulled him back down onto his lap and wrapped his arms around him. “Brian!”

“Shh.…” Brian buried his face in Justin’s hair and then kissed his lover’s neck, making goose bumps break out on the pale skin.

Justin wiggled; he had never felt so uncomfortable yet safe at the same time. He did not want to get his hopes up though. This Brian was so different from the man he had been the last year, and he was so scared that it wasn’t real.

“It’s okay,” Brian told him in a whisper turning Justin to straddle him so he could look him in his eyes.

“I’m too heavy.” Justin tried to get up but Brian held him tight.

“Never.” Brian pecked Justin’s lips and smiled. “Remember I held you like this, and you would ride my cock nine months pregnant.” Brian leaned in and swiped a lick along Justin’s throat.

“Brian,” Justin moaned as he debated inwardly with his reactions to Brian’s words and the memories they brought up.

“Only…” Brian licked the shell of Justin’s ear. He whispered, “You’d have to lean back a little so I could get in you deep because your belly was so big.”

Justin shivered.

Brian was hard but he knew that now was not the right time to make love to Justin. He had other things to do, and he was sure that Justin was not emotionally ready to allow him to take it that far, not after what he had put him through that year. “Why don’t you go take a nice, long, hot bath?” Brian suggested before planting his mouth on Justin’s and sweeping his tongue inside for a tender but passionate kiss.

Justin groaned into Brian’s mouth and his senses screamed with want for his husband, but he took the out Brian provided him and nodded before semi-reluctantly getting off Brian’s lap.

Brian looked up at him with a glance that spoke volumes. He was telling him that he understood that Justin was not ready to forgive and forget just yet, but that it was okay. And that it would get better. “I’ll call your mom for you,” Brian said, getting up and hugging Justin to him.

“Okay,” Justin whispered. “But what about the kids, they need to pick up their rooms before my mom comes?”

“I’ll help them after we play.” Brian leaned his mouth against Justin’s ear. “Go relax. For as long as you want.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Justin moved out of Brian’s arms but his hand was caught at the last minute as he turned to go into the bathroom. “What?

“I love you,” Brian said looking him in the eyes and hoping beyond hope that he could translate exactly how much he really meant that with his own eyes.

Justin opened his mouth and closed it in a gasp before moving toward Brian, lunging into a heat-filled kiss, and then pulling back and speaking breathlessly, “I love you too.”

Brian kissed his blond’s forehead, squeezed him tightly and tried not to tear up when he saw the tears of relief in Justin’s eyes. “I love you,” he spoke again and then turned to go take care of his business, so that he could then take care of his children.

Justin stood in his bedroom in a daze for a few minutes after Brian had closed the door behind him. He felt tingly and excited because he really felt it, Brian had changed! The holiday magic that Justin had hoped for had transformed his husband.

Justin could not stop the twinges of happiness that surged through him and expressed themselves on his face. A smile slowly formed as the hope inside him, the hope for Brian and his family to move on and become the family they were meant to be, filled his mind.

***

“You can’t catch me, Dwagon!” Reaghan said with a laugh as he looked at Brian through the hole in one of the play gym’s tubes.

Brian let out a long breath. “You’re right, I can’t. I can’t even fit in there, little nobleman.”

Zaira giggled as she slid down the slide coming from the other end of the structure. “I’m gonna get to the castle! You can’t get me, scary dragon!”

Brian watched as his daughter took off running around him and to the side of the rope ladder. He feigned a fast crawl and growled, “I’ll get you, little Princess!”

Zaira quickly got her footing and Reaghan was there to help pull her up into the castle before Brian could reach her.

Reaghan took out his plastic sword and pointed it at his father. “Go away, evil Dwagon. I saved the Pwincess!”

Brian huffed, puffed, and roared as he pretended to reach up and grab at his children. When he could not reach them he sighed in defeat. “You won, Nobleman and Princess. I must now go back to my cave all alone!” He put on a sad face and turned to stalk off toward his cave, which was actually a big blanket draped over the couch to the coffee table.

“Oh no, Dada, don’t be sad,” Reaghan said.

Brian turned back to his son and smiled. “I’m not really sad, we were just pretending.”

“Except I’m really your princess, right, Dada?” Zaira asked as she climbed down and hopped into Brian’s lap.

“Of course you are,” Brian told her kissing her hair. “That’s why we named you Zaira.”

“Because I’m your Irish Princess, right?” Zaira kissed her father’s cheek and hugged him tightly.

“Exxxxactly!” Brian replied kissing her soft cheek in return.

“And I’m your little Iwish nobleman, right, Dada?” Reaghan asked as he climbed down and threw down his sword.

Brian held his arm out, took his son into his other arm, and kissed his cheek. “You are, my regal sonny-boy. That is why Daddy and I named you Reaghan.”

“What are we gonna play now, Dada?” Zaira asked.

“Well, I think we need to go get your rooms clean. Maybe you both should take off your costumes and put back on your pajamas before we do that?” Brian suggested.

“Awww, I don’t wanna clean my woom,” Reaghan whined but got up and started to take off his costume anyway.

Brian smiled and gathered their clothes and handed them to his children. “I know you don’t. But we have to make it nice and clean.”

“I need you to unzip my dress, Dada.” Zaira rocked back and forth on her toes. “I can’t reach it.”

Brian laughed and undid the zipper for her. “You need help, sonny-boy?”

Reaghan was in the middle of taking off his knight costume and trying to undo the Velcro that held together the armor on the shirt in the back. “I got it.”

Brian watched him struggle before dropping down on his knees and helping his son take off the rest of the costume.

“Thanks, Dada!” Reaghan said once he was down to his skivvies.

Brian smiled and handed him his clothes. “I don’t know how you got that on in the first place.”

“I helped him,” Zaira said proudly, hustling back in her pajamas. “I always help Daddy get Reaghan dressed.”

Brian considered this. “You guys both help Daddy out a lot, don’t you?”

“We’re his little helpers,” Zaira explained to her father.

“I’m a big boy helpa,” Reaghan chimed in as he drew his pants up, putting the elastic waistband nearly under his arms.

Brian bent down and adjusted the waistband. “Yes. You both are very big helpers. I am so proud of you. Now how about we go tackle cleaning your bedrooms?”

“Awe we gonna sing the clean-up song?” Reaghan inquired, pulling down his t-shirt.

Brian racked his brain trying to remember the “clean-up song” but could not. “You’ll have to teach me that one,” Brian told them. He gathered the costumes and hung them up in the playroom’s closet. “So whose room should we clean first?”

“Mine isn’t very messy,” Zaira told him.

“Grab that car on the floor, Reaghan.” He pointed to a lone Matchbox car in the hall.

Reaghan picked it up and zoomed it through the air. “I looked but couldn’t find this one!”

“Is yours messy?” Brian asked his son as they walked down the hall.

“You’ll see, Dada!” Zaira laughed.

Brian smirked at his child’s sense of humor and held his breath as he opened his son’s door. It was actually very clean. He said in surprise, “There are only a few cars to pick up.” He looked at Zaira who had her hand over her mouth trying to stifle her laughter. “You little jokester!”

“I fooled you, Dada! Mine is the messy room,” she laughed.

Brian ruffled his daughter’s hair and they both started to help Reaghan pick up his toys. Brian helped his son make the boy’s bed and they finished cleaning very quickly.

Zaira’s room was not as bad as Brian thought it would be. Zaira taught him the “clean-up song” and after singing it six times they were done making her bed and putting away any stray stuffed animals and toys.

“What are we going to do now?” Zaira asked her father as she put her stuffed kitty cat on her bed.

“I think you both need to get into the bath,” Brian told her.

“But Daddy gives us our bath,” Zaira said as they walked into the large bathroom that joined her and Reaghan’s rooms.

Justin really does everything around here, Brian thought, once again feeling horrible about how little he had to do with the day to day life of his family. “I know he does normally, but I can give you your bath today. I used to give you both your baths when you were younger.”

“You did?” Reaghan asked in surprise.

Brian turned on the water in the large bathtub. “I sure did. Now get undressed and get in while it fills up.”

“But we can’t get in until it fills up halfway and the duck tells us it’s warm and not hot.” Zaira went into the closet and took out the box of bath toys and grinned. “Here it is.”

“Oh,” Brian looked at his daughter and wondered, not for the first time, how much more she helped Justin than any 5-year-old normally did. He took the rubber ducky and looked at it. “How does he tell you if the water is warm?”

Reaghan turned it over and showed Brian the bottom. “It is magic and tells you and it turns orange.”

Brian saw that on the bottom was the word “cold” and it was blue. He plopped it into the water and then lifted it out and looked at it again. The bottom of the duck immediately changed to red and had the word hot on it, so he quickly adjusted the water and put the rubber ducky back in the water.

“Give me your pj’s and I’ll put them in the hamper,” Zaira told her little brother.

Brian stopped his daughter. “That’s very nice of you, Zaira. But does Reaghan know where the hamper is?”

“Yes,” Reaghan said with attitude. “It’s in the closet.”

“Well then why don’t you go put them in there yourself?” Brian suggested.

“It’s okay, Dada, I always do it,” Zaira said with a smile.

Brian shook his head. “I know you do, baby, but you shouldn’t always have to take care of everything, ok? Reaghan is old enough to put his clothes in the hamper. He can do it. You’re a big boy, aren’t you, Reaghan?”

“I am!” Reaghan told his father. He grabbed his clothes, walked over to the closet, opened the hamper, and put his clothes in it. “I did it!”

“Good job!” Brian told his son.

“Yeah, good job, Reaghan!” Zaira said tossing her own clothes in the hamper.

“Is the bath wawm now?” Reaghan asked.

Brian noticed the tub was filled halfway so he grabbed the ducky. “It says warm. Hop on in.”

The kids stepped down into the bath water and Brian poured in some bubble bath. He grabbed some of their toys and handed them to them. “So what do I do while you soak?” He was sure that Justin did not just sit there and watch them as they played.

“You read us some of the bath time books,” Zaira told her father.

Brian went over to the shelf and grabbed a couple of them before shutting off the water and sitting on the toilet lid with the books in hand. “Bath time for Susie,” Brian said, and started to read the book.

***

Justin knew that he was probably being a little selfish in that he had been relaxing in the tub for nearly an hour, but he also knew that if Brian needed him the man knew where he was. Brian had seemed so genuine when he had told Justin to relax, and so Justin was going to relax.

The thought of what had transpired between him and Brian on the bed was sending thrilling tingles through his body as he washed himself.

He ran the soap-filled loofah over his chest and sighed in satisfaction when his sensitive nipples became erect from the attention.

Justin thought about the memory Brian had described to him and could feel his sex swelling for the first time in a very long time. All the stress he had been feeling as of late had made him feel anything but sexual. Now that he had hope for his and Brian’s relationship, his body was entering into a different state from his own ministrations.

He slid down further into the tub, resting his head on the bath pillow and spreading his legs as he moved the scrubber down over his plump belly and down into his pubes and then around his member. “Ahhh,” Justin could not keep his moan inside him. He let go of the loofah, dropped it into the water, and took his dick in his hand.

He once again moaned aloud as he languidly stroked his filling cock to complete hardness and closed his eyes. Visions of the last time Brian had stroked him off filled his head as he spread his legs even wider and reached down to trace a finger around his hole. The oils, bath salts and bubbles he’d put in the water made his skin feel silky smooth, and he got even more excited from the feel of himself touching his own body in places he’d neglected for too long.

He tightened his fist around his dick and then slowly pushed his finger into his soft, silky, tight hole. “Brian…” he gasped his husband’s name subconsciously. Justin wished it were Brian that was inside of him. He thought about the way it felt to have Brian filling up his hole with his long thick cock. He slid in another finger and scissored them to feign the stretch he would feel if it were Brian entering him. Justin fisted his cock and rocked onto his fingers imagining that it was Brian’s warm, soft hand wrapped around him as he fucked his ass deeply. He opened his mouth and started panting from the exertion, finding himself moving at a steadfast pace toward completion. The thought of Brian spending himself inside of him, feeling the hot wet heat of his climax erupt inside his hole was enough to send Justin shaking and quaking over the edge.

His come shot out into the water as his legs and body shook, sending splashes of water onto the floor of the bathroom. When the last tremor of Justin’s body subsided, he slowly removed his hand from his half-hard cock and sunk back into the water, trying his best to slow his accelerated heart rate and breathing.

***

“Do you know which of the outfits your Daddy had picked out for you today?” Brian asked as he marched the kids, bundled up in their terry cloth robes and slippers into Zaira’s room.

Zaira opened her closet door. “No, Dada. I think you will have to ask Daddy.”

“Yeah, ask our Daddy,” Reaghan chimed in.

Brian knew that this was another something he should know. He remembered Justin showing him all of the things he had bought for the children for Christmas to wear. He remembered the discussion about the pajamas but he had no idea which of the many dressy clothes was to be worn at Christmas Eve. He tried to remember what the children had worn yesterday, but could not.

This was the first year that he and Justin did not shop for everything together. Being the Label Queen that Brian was, he usually had the last say in any of the clothing Zaira and Reaghan wore for formal occasions. Half the time he’d pick out what his husband wore too, but not this year. He’d left it all up to Justin. Everything.

“How about we just put on some play clothes and we’ll go downstairs and have a snack. When Daddy gets out of the bath we’ll ask him what clothes we should put you in.”

***

Justin washed his hair and reveled in the smell and feel of the wonderful expensive shampoo that Brian had bought him. The thoughtful gesture was one of the only things that kept him believing that Brian did still think about him.

His mind was still conflicted, no matter how much his heart wanted to believe that things had turned around for his family and Brian had actually changed so quickly. He saw the change but it seemed as though there was something Brian was not telling him. He may have felt as if he did not know the man Brian had become but that did not mean that he still could not read the man. His husband’s hazel eyes, the sound of his voice and the timbre changes, Justin could still detect with accuracy. He was certain that there was something going on within Brian, and that twisted his gut with fear.

***

“Thanks for braiding my hair, Dada,” Zaira said.

“You’re welcome.” Brian opened the refrigerator door and took out the milk.

“I want Cwissmiss cookies, Dada!” Reaghan said hopping up into his chair at the breakfast table.

“Okay, Reaghan, give me just a minute,” Brian grabbed a couple of glasses down from the cabinet once he found them. Had Justin reorganized everything? he wondered.

“No, Dada!” Zaira said shaking her head. “We can’t have sweets before lunch. Daddy says we won’t take our naps if we do.”

“Zawa,” Reaghan pushed his sister very hard and she fell out of her chair and onto the floor. “We’re not havin’ naps today!”

Brian stopped what he was doing and ran to his daughter. “Are you all right, Princess?”

Zaira pouted as her Dada hugged her and brushed her hair from her forehead. “I’m okay. But my elbow hurts.”

Brian examined the elbow, she bruised easily just like his husband. He kissed the mark and lifted her back up to sit down at the table.

“Reaghan, you could have really hurt your sister. I want you to say you’re sorry and give her a hug and a kiss,” Brian told his son sternly. “You know better than to push anyone. I think Santa Claus might have to take a present away.”

“Uh! No! Dada, I’m sowwy, I am!” Reaghan pouted with tears in his dark hazel eyes.

“He might reconsider that if you apologize to your sister,” Brian told him.

Reaghan frowned and batted his eyelashes. “I’m sowwy, Zawa!”

“Okay,” Zaira frowned. “Here, kiss it.” She held out her sore elbow and Reaghan leaned forward and gave it a gentle kiss.

Reaghan then pulled his blankie up to the table and popped his thumb in his mouth, obviously feeling bad about hurting his sister.

“Good boy,” Brian praised, smiling at his kids. “So what do I give you for snacks, Zaira?” Once again, I should know this,” Brian thought.

“I’d like a banana, please?” Zaira asked.

“Sure,” he went over to the fruit basket and plucked two off.

“Thank you, Dada,” Zaira told him smiling as her father handed her the fruit.

“Thank you, Dada,” Reaghan chimed in.

“You’re very welcome,” Brian went over to the glasses, filled them up with milk, and then placed them in front of the kids.

“Thank you,” they both chimed.

“You are welcome,” Brian said once again. He smiled at the thought of how well mannered his kids were. He had never really taken the time to realize this. He was sure that it was probably all of Justin’s doing. Then again, he also remembered that his children often did not treat his husband very well, because of him. Hopefully, he’d be able to change that.

The doorbell rang and both of the kids asked, “Who’s here?”

“It’s Grandma Jen,” Brian told them with a smile.

“Is that our surprise?” Zaira asked.

“It sure is,” Brian said. “I thought you’d forgotten I told Daddy that I had one for you,” he laughed. “Stay here and I’ll go get the door okay?”

Brian walked into the foyer and opened the door with a smile on his face. “Hello, Jennifer.”

“Hi, Brian,” she said a bit warily and looked around as she came in. Two shopping bags filled with wrapped presents were in each of her hands.

Brian helped her with the bags and then took her coat and scarf. “The kids are having a snack in the kitchen. Justin was taking a bath. I’ll go up and tell him you are here if you want to go in and see the kids.”

“Okay.” Jennifer headed off toward the kitchen.

As Brian went up the stairs, he could hear the children happily greeting their grandmother. He smiled, no matter what happened he would make the day count.

He walked to his and Justin’s bedroom and opened the door to their room.

“Oh!” Justin turned toward Brian as he quickly pulled his heavy, light blue sweater over his head.

“Didn’t mean to scare you,” Brian said with a smile.

“You didn’t,” Justin turned from him and grabbed his socks and shoes.

Brian sat on the bed beside Justin as Justin put the rest of his clothing on. “Your mom is downstairs.”

“I’d better hurry then, “Justin said, sliding his feet into his loafers.

Brian took in Justin’s face and smiled. “Did you have a nice bath?”

Justin felt himself blush as he slowly turned to look at his husband. “It was very relaxing.”

“I bet,” Brian bumped Justin’s shoulder with his own. “What did you think about?”

Justin felt his palms sweat as he stared into Brian’s lust filled eyes. He spoke in a hoarse yet sexy voice, “What do you think?”

Brian ran his hand up and down Justin’s cashmere covered arm. “Me?”

Justin bowed his head and blushed. “I always think of you.”

Brian leaned in and pressed his forehead to Justin’s. “Me too.”

Justin looked up and his eyes met his husband’s gaze. It was such a thrill to know that Brian thought of him. Always thought of him when touching himself.

Brian leaned in further and brushed his lips against Justin’s. Justin opened his mouth and allowed Brian’s tongue to meet his own. Their hands moved to one another’s backs and their upper bodies pressed together as much as the position would allow, as they once again rediscovered the passion they created, only together.

Brian reluctantly broke away from the kiss. “I really should take a quick shower so we can do presents. Your mom brought two huge shopping bags full of them.”

Justin nodded his head, still a little stunned with emotion to speak properly.

“Oh, and they are just in play clothes for now. I couldn’t remember what outfits you wanted them to wear today and which ones were for tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Justin replied and rubbed his face. “I’ll get them dressed for the pictures. I can show Mom their rooms while I do that.”

“I would have gotten them dressed, but I didn’t want to put them in the wrong thing. Besides, they just had a snack and I wouldn’t have wanted them to get their nice clothes dirty. Zaira informed me that they weren’t allowed to have cookies before lunch and Reaghan got a little mad at her and pushed her down off her chair.”

“Is she hurt?” Justin got up quickly from the bed.

Brian got up and took his hand. He calmed Justin. “She’s fine. Her elbow has a little bruise on it but I’m sure she’s already forgotten about it with your mom here.”

Justin smiled. “Yeah. She’s a tough girl.”

“She is,” Brian agreed. “Justin?”

“Yeah?”

“I was thinking that I could give the kids their baths every morning before I go into the office.”

Justin went pale. “You’re going in?”

“No,” Brian quickly said. “I’m not. I called Ted and Cynthia a while ago. What I meant was that from now on maybe you can sleep in or have a nice relaxing bath and I’ll give the kids their baths and get them dressed and ready for the day.”

“Brian, the kids wake up early enough as it is. I don’t want them waking up any earlier so you can bathe them before you go in to work.”

“I thought about going in later,” Brian said softly. He was hurting inside about all the doubts Justin had about him, but he knew he deserved them.

“Oh,” Justin looked at his husband critically.

“I thought that if I went in around eleven I could still put in a good amount of work. After all, I am the owner. With Ted and Cynthia there, well, I think they can handle it on their own.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” Brian told him.

“Why?”

“What do you mean why?”

“Why do you suddenly want to change?”

“Because I want to spend time with my family, and it isn’t right that my 5-year-old daughter does more around here for my son and husband than I do.”

Justin’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head at Brian’s words. “That’s all?”

“That’s a lot, don’t you think?” Brian wanted to tell Justin more, but he was scared. He did not want to sound crazy if he told the other man the truth. After all, he knew there was not anything he could do. He was sure he was supposed to live this day repeatedly until it was himself that died and not the kids and Justin.

Justin noticed Brian’s changing conflicting expressions. “Having second thoughts?”

“Not one,” Brian told him and kissed his cheek. “Go see Mother Taylor. I’ll meet you in a few minutes.”

“Okay,” Justin initiated a few quick French kisses and pulled away just as Brian started to grind into his jean-covered crotch.

“Justin?” Brian called as he took off his pajamas and opened the bathroom door.

“Yeah?” Justin turned around and his breath caught.

“I’ll be thinking about you,” Brian whispered huskily.

Justin blushed and then turned to go downstairs.

***

At Debbie’s House

“Really, Brian,” Justin spoke, his warm breath filling the cold air with clouds as he walked around the large tree in Debbie’s yard. “Did you have to teach the kids to make an impaled snowman?”

Brian stood back and surveyed his and the kids’ handiwork. “I would think you would appreciate the artistic value.”

“Hmpf. Leave it to you to impale a snowman,” Justin said.

“If it’ll make you feel better I’ll be sure and help the kids build a real one in our backyard.” Brian wrapped his arms around his husband and kissed the lobe of Justin’s ear that peaked out from the black ski cap.

Justin giggled and pushed away from his lover. “I think they’ve put the finishing touches on the forts.”

Brian looked back and forth along the long range of the snow-covered backyard. On one side were Emmett, Michael, Ben and Jeffrey packing in snow on the top of their snow fort.

On the other side, Reaghan and Zaira were just finishing packing the top of theirs. “We better go help them finish,” Brian told him.

Ted and Blake had come out to join in the fun while the ladies all got the dinner ready inside, watching from the windows in the warm kitchen.

Ted was naturally on Brian’s side, as the team name was Kinnetik, as it was every year they played. Blake had joined Michael, Ben, Jeffrey and Emmett on team Hero. Each team had packed tons of snowballs behind their forts. The goal of the game was to get to the other side without being hit by snowballs three times from the other team. If you were hit three times you were then a part of the opposing team until your own team saved you and got you back.

***

“Traitor,” Brian yelled as he went after his captured husband with a large snowball.

Justin ducked behind the impaling tree and dug his last snowball out of the pocket of his coat.

Brian reached for more snow on the ground, disappointed his best one had exploded against the tree.

Justin peeked out from around the tree, and just as his husband was standing back up he launched it and hit him directly in the face. “Oh Brian! I’m so sorry!” Justin laughed, not sorry at all.

“Foul! You little shit!” Brian chucked his snowball and Justin took off in a run, the rest of the teams still fighting while their own battle was waged.

“Come and get me, old man!” Justin teased as he ducked behind Kinnetik’s deserted fort and grabbed a few of the pre-made snowballs and got up to chuck them at Brian.

Brian took off in a run and headed toward Justin. He threw his snowball and ended up missing, much to Justin’s delight as Justin threw his snowball and hit Brian in the chest.

“I’m gonna kick your ass,” Brian growled and caught up with the boy.

Justin squirmed and tried to fight off Brian but eventually they fell back into the snow. “Uhmpf!”

Brian caught Justin’s weight on him. “You okay?”

“Got a lotta padding, Brian,” Justin joked and wiggled on top of Brian.

Brian started tickling Justin and Justin squirmed on top of him.

“Look, Dada, we’re making snow angels!” Zaira called.

Brian and Justin turned their heads and saw all three of the children were now on their backs waving their arms and legs on the ground.

“Good job, Princess!” Justin told her.

“Where did everyone else go?” Brian asked, not seeing the other adults.

“I think I saw them go inside while you were chasing me, Brian.” Justin leaned down and kissed Brian’s cold nose.

Brian groaned and spread himself out. “How about we make a snow angel together?”

Justin laughed but appeased Brian and spread his smaller body out on top of Brian’s arms and legs. His head nestled into Brian’s warm neck and they began to move their limbs together, perfectly in harmony with each other’s bodies.

Their angelic harmony was interrupted, however, when all three children decided to throw snowballs at the two men.

“Hey.” Brian gently rolled Justin off him and then helped them both stand. He then bent down and grabbed a snowball.

The sudden change in position made Justin very dizzy. “Brian?”

Brian looked over and saw that Justin had gone very pale. “Baby, are you okay?”

Justin leaned into Brian’s arms and buried his face into Brian’s jacket. “I just need a minute.”

“Kids! Time to come in, wash up and it’ll be time to eat when you unthaw!” Jennifer called from the porch.

All of the kids quickly listened; they knew that they had to be on their best behavior or Santa might not bring them what they asked for.

“Let’s get you inside, Justin,” Brian suggested.

“Okay,” Justin whispered back. He was feeling very queasy. “I need to go lie down, Brian.”

“Okay, okay. We can do that,” Brian said as he led them into the house.

“Baby, are you all right?” Jennifer asked her son.

“He just got a little dizzy and wants to lie down,” Brian explained.

“Oh, too much cold air maybe. Take him upstairs into Mikey’s old room,” Debbie advised.

“Thanks, Deb,” Brian smiled uneasily. He helped Justin take off the wet clothing and shoes before leading him through the living room full of their concerned family.

Justin held onto Brian as they made their way upstairs. “Brian, I need to tell you something.”

“Shh... you can talk once you feel better,” Brian knew what it was and he didn’t think right now was the best time to talk about it.

“Okay,” Justin yawned as he got into the bed.

Brian got underneath the covers with Justin and spooned him. “I love you.”

‘Mmmhmm,” Justin said groggily. He was suddenly so tired and could not keep his eyes open.

Brian held Justin for a little while before getting up and heading downstairs.

“What’s the matter with him?” Jennifer asked.

“I hope he’s not getting sick,” Lindsay said.

“It sucks being sick at Christmas,” Debbie chimed in.

“Don’t get your panties in a twist, ladies, he’ll be fine. He just needed to take a nap; he was up early and I think the day caught up with him.”

“Well, dinner should be ready in an hour. The kids are just starting a game of “Sorry” if you want to join them,” Michael suggested.

Brian looked over at his kids who seemed to have thankfully not even noticed that Justin had been sick. “No thanks. I think I’ll stick to card games.”

“I’ll get the decks; how about Poker?” Blake asked.

“Sounds good to me,” Brian replied.

***

An hour later, Justin woke up feeling much better than he had when he had fallen asleep. He stretched, remade the bed, and then went into the bathroom to wash his face.

“Sunshine!” Debbie greeted.

Brian folded his hand of cards and went over to Justin. As he wrapped his arms around his blond he whispered into his ear, “Are you feeling better, baby?”

Justin nodded and snuggled into Brian’s embrace. He felt chills go up and down his body from his lover’s words. Brian had called him baby twice today. He had missed that term of endearment, hell, he missed any of the affectionate names his husband used while talking to him. “I’m fine,” he replied.

Brian kissed Justin’s forehead. “We were just playing a little poker.” Brian held Justin’s hand and led him over to the crowded table.

“And he’s kicking our asses,” Blake replied.

“It’s a good thing we aren’t playing for real money,” Ted said dropping his two chips to the table.

“Yeah, or you would have had to deduct money from your own paycheck to pay me everything you lost and borrowed,” Brian laughed.

“Where are the kids?” Justin asked, looking around.

“They’re in Emmett’s room upstairs watching some old Mickey Mouse cartoons Deb had on tape,” Lindsay answered.

“Oh? I didn’t even hear them when I woke up,” Justin observed.

“We told them to keep it quiet,” Brian said.

“I definitely think that the whole ‘Santa Claus is coming tonight’ thing is working on them,” Michael snickered.

“Too bad it doesn’t work all year,” Ben laughed. “Jeffrey has been walking around the house asking us if he’s being good for the last month. We try to explain that Santa takes into account his actions from the whole year, but he just doesn’t get it.”

“Reag is the same way,” Justin laughed. “Well, actually he has to have constant reminders not to act up. I’d actually prefer it if he’d ask if he’s being good.”

Something in the way Justin spoke that observation made everyone at the table suddenly go quiet. It was as though they all felt the underlying frustration Justin carried with him each day.

“Well, dinner is pretty much done,” Debbie broke the silence. She gathered the cards into a pile and stood up from her chair. “Let’s get this cleaned up and get the table set.”

“I’ll go up and get the kids,” Justin said, feeling uncomfortable.

“No, let me do that. Why don’t you sit down?” Brian stopped him and pulled out one of the chairs.

“Brian, I can’t sit down. I’ve got to at least help Deb set the table.”

“Oh no you don’t, Sunshine,” Deb told him. “You just woke up. You sit down with Mel and I’m sure the rest of us can take care of setting up dinner.”

“Are you sure?” Justin asked, not wanting to leave the duties to everyone else. “I’m feeling fine.”

“But that’s because you had a rest,” Melanie countered and put her hand over his. “You looked exhausted when you came inside, Justin. Relax a little bit more.”

“Okay, but if you need an extra set of hands please let me help,” Justin agreed with a long sigh.

“Sure, baby,” Debbie patted his cheek, and Jennifer, Ben, Michael, Lindsay, Ted, Blake and Emmett followed her into the kitchen.

Melanie leaned forward as much as the table would allow her large belly to and squeezed Justin’s hand. “When do you plan on telling the family?”

Justin’s eyes went wide and he whispered, “What?”

“I don’t know if it’s because I’m pregnant,” Melanie said, “or what it is, but I’d bet all of Brian’s poker winnings that you are pregnant too.”

Justin gulped, “I…I haven’t told Brian yet.”

Melanie noticed the worry in Justin’s eyes. “I’m sorry. I won’t tell anyone a thing.”

“It’s okay. I’m going to tell Brian tonight, just let us share the news first okay?”

“Sure.” Melanie whispered as she regarded Justin carefully. “Are you worried about what Brian will say?”

“Well this pregnancy isn’t planned,” Justin said softly and put his hand on his stomach.

“Reaghan’s wasn’t either,” Melanie countered.

“I know. But Brian and I… Mel things have been really off between him and I. Especially this year, I…I…” Justin shook his head and bit off what he was going to tell her. “Either way, I’m going to tell him tonight at home.”

“Good,” Melanie smiled. “I’m sure things will work out just fine. We all see how much Brian adores you and he has been doting on you all day. That is why I thought he knew. I mean, I’ve noticed that things seemed strained between you both lately, especially with Brian’s job always getting in the way of all the family events.”

Justin nodded. “He has been preoccupied, but the last few days he’s really changed a lot. I know you’ll laugh but I think it’s the Christmas spirit.”

Melanie squeezed Justin’s hand one last time before leaning back and putting it on her belly. “You never know. It just might be the Christmas spirit, Justin.”

Brian and the kids came downstairs just as Melanie spoke her words loudly.

“Well, if it isn’t the resident Jew saying there is Christmas spirit!” Brian laughed.

“Can it, Brian,” Melanie retorted sending him an evil glare.

Justin laughed at them both. Some things never changed.

“Daddy!” Zaira ran toward Justin and gave him a hug.

“How are you, my baby girl?”

“I’m good, Daddy. Did you have a good nap?”

Justin smiled and brought Reaghan onto his lap. “I did. Did you guys have fun watching Mickey?”

“Yes!”

“Uncle Justin?” Jeffrey tapped Justin’s leg.

“Yes?”

“Have I been good today?”

Justin pulled his lips into his mouth trying not to laugh.

Thankfully, Ben came into the dining area just in time. “Jeff, buddy, you’ve been a very good boy today. You do not need to ask everyone. I’m sure Santa will bring you all the things on your list, except the horsey, if you continue to be good.”

Horsey, Brian mouthed to Ben.

“But I really want the horsey, Daddy,” Jeffrey replied pleadingly.

“Jeffrey.” Michael came in and went behind where his husband was setting plates up at the long table, putting down sets of silverware. He explained to his son again. “You have nowhere to keep a horse. We talked about this.”

“B...B…but Zaira and Reaghan get horsies,” he pouted.

“And they also have stables at their house for the horses to live. They also have a stable man that comes to take care of them,” Ben reminded his son.

“When it gets warmer out you can come and ride Lightning with Reaghan, Jeffrey,” Justin told him.

Jeffrey’s brown sad eyes got huge with excitement. “Really?”

“Yes, anytime, little man!”

“We can wide Lenten and fight the bad guys with swowds,” Reaghan agreed. Getting excited he started to jump and wiggle in his Justin’s lap.

Brian quickly intercepted his son and took him in his arms. “Be careful with Daddy,” he said gently.

Justin looked over at Brian, surprised as he wondered if somehow Brian did know about his pregnancy.

“He was feeling a little sick before his nap. You don’t want to give him a tummyache, do you?” Brian covered his initial response.

“No, Daddy,” Reaghan said and leaned down and kissed Justin’s cheek. “Sowwy.”

“I’m fine, buddy,” Justin said smiling.

“Who is ready to eat?” Debbie said coming in with a huge dish of lasagna in her gloved hands. Jennifer, Blake, Lindsay and Ted all had side dishes in their hands, ready to set them on the table.

Justin’s stomach growled. “I am!”

***

“I really love my new Barbie that Aunt Melanie got for me,” Zaira told her fathers from the back seat of the car.

“I’m glad you do, baby,” Justin said.

“Who knew she even knew what they were?” Brian said.

“Zaira, Brian? She already has a hundred you bought for her.” Justin shook his head.

“No, not Zaira, Uncle Mel,” he joked.

“Brian, really, I think you need to stop calling her Uncle Mel in front of the kids.”

“Why? She never corrects them. She just glares at me.”

“Cause she loves our kids! So she won’t say anything to them. And because she knows you taught them to call her that.”

“Who wouldn’t love our kids?”

Justin laughed. “Reaghan called her that and she did seem hurt.”

“Well, I’m sure she’ll get back at me and make her kid call me Auntie Brianna or some shit.”

“You sweawed, Dada!” Reaghan piped in from the back seat.

“I’m sorry, sonny boy. Dada is very bad.”

“It’s true. You are,” Justin told him pinching his husband’s side.

“Ah… home sweet home,” Brian said pulling up to the house and into the garage.

“Yeah, it only took us an extra half hour,” Justin joked.

“The roads are icy,” Brian countered. “Come on, out of the car, kiddos.” He turned off the car, went over to Reaghan’s side, and helped him climb out of the SUV.

Justin helped Zaira out. “Dada and I will come back for the rest of the presents later. I think it’s about time you got in your jammies.”

“Can’t we stay up a little longer?” Zaira asked.

“You can if you don’t want Santa to come,” Brian told her. “Besides, I thought we’d look at the family picture albums before we read “The Night Before Christmas". Does that sound good?”

“Oh yes, Dada!” Reaghan said jumping into the foyer.

“Go on upstairs and brush your teeth. Daddy and I will be there in a few minutes,” Brian told them.

“I suppose we should go get the presents.” Justin turned to go back outside.

“I’ve got a better idea,” Brian said taking Justin in his arms.

“You do, huh?” Justin smiled.

“How about you go take a nice hot shower, I go get the presents and help the kids get in their jammies.” Brian leaned down and kissed Justin’s cold cheek.

“Oh, well okay. Do you know what set of pajamas to put them in?” Justin asked.

“Green Snowmen, Pink Snowflakes,” Brian said.

“You remembered,” Justin smiled.

“I did.” Brian kissed Justin’s lips softly. “Go ahead, and then meet us down here to hang the stockings and put out the cookies. Then we can read in Reaghan’s room. There’s no way we’d all fit up in Cinderella’s carriage,” he laughed.

Justin kissed Brian one last time before turning and making his way up the stairs; he stopped on the last one and turned around, happy to see that Brian was still watching him.

***

“Awww. Reaghan was so cute and chubby,” Zaira laughed.

Reaghan giggled and said excitedly, “You too, Zawa. I love babies!”

“You do?” Justin asked his son, thrilled.

“I do,” Reaghan confirmed, nodding his blond head up and down.

Brian bit his bottom lip, trying his best not to laugh at the adorably serious expression on his son’s face. “Let’s look at the Christmas album now,” he said lightly.

“I still haven’t put the pictures from them seeing Santa in it this year,” Justin told his family, opening the book up.

“You’ve been more than a little busy, Sunshine,” Brian reminded his husband gently.

Justin nodded, happy that Brian acknowledged this fact.

The Kinney family looked through the album and Brian was very happy that this time he had his children and husband with him, even if he was sure the day would start all over again in the morning.

“You were so cute in your elf boots trying to put the ornament on the tree,” Justin laughed, interrupting Brian’s sad thoughts.

“I was naked!” Zaira said, appalled.

“That’s how Daddy and I found you in the middle of the night,” Brian told her, remembering the day clearly.

“No!” Zaira gasped in embarrassment, covering her mouth with both of her hands. “I didn’t!”

“Somehow you managed to get out of your bed and down the stairs without Dad or me hearing you. I guess you decided to decorate the tree yourself,” Justin laughed. “After you took your clothes off,” the man added, smiling at his daughter’s shock.

“That’s crazy!” Zaira laughed.

“You were crazy,” Brian told his daughter, tickling her sides.

“Cwazy!” Reaghan said, trying to jump in on the conversation.

Brian started to tickle both of his children. “You were both crazy. But you got that from your Daddy, I’ve never done any such thing!”

Reaghan and Zaira collapsed in a fit of giggles.

Justin gasped in mock shock. “Riiight, cause walking around naked all day is my thing?”

“Please,” Brian smirked. “You know you would if you could.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Okay, settle down, guys, and let’s finish looking.”

Reaghan and Zaira calmed down, slid close to their fathers, and peered at the album. They were both extremely happy and content to have both of their dads together.

Brian turned the page. “Here you are, Reaghan, helping Daddy put the decorations on the tree.”

“I did a good job,” the little boy observed proudly.

“You sure did,” Justin ruffled his son’s hair.

Brian smiled; he wished he had been there to actually see this moment take place too. It was not fair to Reaghan that he missed so much of his life. His little boy had changed from a toddler into a big boy and he had missed it. He missed Zaira growing up too, but he missed out on much more with his son. He was ashamed of himself for that. And so much more.

“Keep flipping, Dada,” Reaghan said, pulling Brian out of his thoughts.

They continued to look through the book until they got to the last page, then Brian pulled out the Christmas book and began to read.

Justin lay down on the bed and the kids curled around him as Brian read the story. When it was over, both of the kids were thankfully asleep. Brian lifted Zaira into his arms, Justin gave her one last goodnight kiss and then Brian tucked his daughter in the top bunk of Reaghan’s castle.

“Come on, Sunshine,” Brian whispered as he helped Justin from the bed once he and his husband had kissed their little blond boy goodnight.

Brian lingered to look at the peaceful faces of his children until Justin pulled on his arm, motioning for them to leave the room.

“Come on, you,” Justin whispered.

“So I suppose it’s time to play Santa,” Brian said, taking Justin’s hand and walking with him down the stairs.

“I just want to eat those cookies,” Justin told him with a laugh. “I think I’ll leave the rest up to you.”

“Okay,” Brian said once they reached the living room. “Where did you hide all the presents this year?”

“In your office closet, where else?” Justin said sitting down. “It’s the one room they aren’t allowed to go in without permission.”

“Okay, I’ll start trucking them in,” Brian turned to go toward his office door.

“Brian,” Justin said, his mouth stuffed with cookie. “I wasn’t serious. I’ll help you.”

“No, please do the fun parts,” Brian joked. “Leave me to the hard labor.”

Justin got up from the couch, taking a snicker doodle with him as he approached Brian. “You wouldn’t know the meaning of hard labor, ad man.”

“Hey…” Brian opened his mouth and Justin promptly stuck the cookie in. “Wu wiwwa fit!” Brian started to chew the cookie as he grabbed Justin by the waist and started to poke and tickle at his ribs.

“Brian,” Justin giggled, “stop, please, I surrender!”

Brian relaxed his grip on his husband, smiling with a mouth covered in cookie crumbs. He went over to the glass of milk, took a long drink, and wiped his mouth with a napkin. When he looked back over at Justin, he saw the man had his arms folded over his chest with a smug look on his face. He raised his eyebrow in question.

“You still don’t know the meaning of hard labor,” Justin said firmly with a bright smile.

Brian’s lips turned up into a smirk and he quickly lunged after Justin. “I do too!”

“No, you really don’t,” Justin giggled. He jumped away from his husband, putting the sofa in between them.

Brian faked left, and then right and then he just decided to jump over the sofa.

Justin let out a yelp as he ran around the room, moving behind the other bank of couches. “Leave me alone!”

“Not until you say I know what hard labor is!” Brian challenged him, once again faking right and left.

Justin looked Brian in the eyes and tried to anticipate the next move of the body he knew so well. He challenged his husband again. “Not until you give birth to a child will I ever say that!”

Brian huffed, “Well, we’ll find out one day, won’t we?”

“Maybe, but as it is now, you don’t know,” he teased.

“I rake the leaves,” Brian said.

“We hire a gardener,” Justin corrected.

“What? I raked the leaves!” Brian told him.

“When?”

“Last fall!”

“You raked a pile for you and the kids to jump into!”

“Oh, yeah well… what about mowing the lawn?”

“What about it? Our gardener Joe does that.”

“I did it last summer.”

“When he had a sprained ankle, and you had a ride on the lawn mower.”

“I helped build the scaffolding for your studio.”

“You stood around and ordered the builders around while I assured them you were harmless.”

Brian opened his mouth to say something else but could not find anything more to say. He settled with lunging over the couch toward Justin once again.

This time Justin had anticipated it and had a good lead as he ran toward the Christmas tree. “Safety Zone! Safety Zone!” Justin waved his hands as Brian neared him. “Don’t you dare make me fall into the tree, Brian!”

Brian skidded to a stop on the hardwood floor inches from Justin. “You are lucky, Kinney,” Brian said breathless, putting his hands on his hips.

Justin giggled, “I think it’s you that’s lucky, Kinney. After all, I’m the one that knows all about hard labor while you sit back and relax.”

Brian nodded. “Okay, okay, truce.” He took Justin in his arms and gave his husband a big passion filled kiss then whispered, “I’m the luckiest man in the world.”

Justin smiled and looked up into Brian’s eyes. Once again, he could see something else behind Brian’s words and it worried him, causing chills to run up and down his spine. He stepped around his husband. “Let’s go get the presents; it’s getting late.”

Brian sensed Justin’s sudden unease. They were so happy moments before but suddenly Justin seemed to run cold. “Okay.” He knew that they needed to have a long, long overdue talk. He would make sure they had it tonight, whether tomorrow came or not.

Brian followed Justin into his office, and with just a few words exchanged they ended up getting the mountain of presents situated in front of the tree. Justin had taken Brian’s stocking into the kitchen to fill it and Brian took down Justin’s from the mantle, remembering that he himself had a few surprises for Justin in his office.

They both came back into the room and hung the stockings on the fireplace. Brian took Justin’s hand. “I’m going to shut off all the lights down here. I’ll meet you upstairs in a minute.”

Justin gave Brian a small smile and slowly left the room, wondering if he was finally going to have the opportunity to find out what was going on with his husband once and for all.

Brian shut off all the lights except for the Christmas ones. He took a deep breath and headed up the stairs.

Justin had left the door open and was sitting on his side of the bed wearing his red silk pajamas when Brian walked in. “Hey,” Brian said nervously, walked over to his dresser and dug out the pajamas he knew Justin would want him to wear.

Justin took a deep breath. “We need to talk, Brian.”

Brian took off his clothes and felt himself blushing when he saw Justin appraising his body. Once dressed, he walked over and crawled onto the bed beside his husband. “I know we do.”

Justin bit his lip and turned to look at his husband. “I mean…. Really talk, Brian.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want it to be just me talking, not knowing whether or not you’re listening and then me just giving up. Not like it has been lately. Moreover, if you think that is going to happen then… then I need to know. Because if it is...” Justin trailed off and looked away.

“What?” Brian’s voice was hoarse, he felt as if he had just swallowed gravel and his hands were shaking. However, he honestly didn’t know what Justin was going to say. The lightness from their earlier messing about was gone. It was back to serious reality for them both.

Justin looked back at Brian, his blue eyes dark and glassy. “I’m…” he motioned between them both, “we’re done.” Justin closed his eyes and wiped at the tears that had fallen. He knew that what he had said needed to be said, but he still felt horrible uttering the words from his mouth.

Brian took Justin’s hand in his own. “I understand. I’ll listen.”

Justin nodded his head. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“I know I’ve hurt you, Justin. I know I’ve been a horrible husband to you and a terrible father to the kids the last couple of years.”

Brian’s words brought Justin back and he started to feel all the pain he had been feeling. “You have.” He was not going to sugar coat the truth. He could not allow for anything but the truth at this point. He could tell that looking into Brian’s eyes that he had hurt him with that confirming statement, but that the statement was not a surprise. Brian Kinney did not often lie and he definitely did not say things for pity or reassurance.

At one time Brian had needed Justin’s reassurance where it concerned his ability to be a good father. However, Brian had been a good father and he remembered that when he started to go down the rabbit hole Justin had tried to help him out of it, but he had run further and further away from his husband. He even knew at some point that in some ways he resented Justin for even trying to help him. Brian had not seen anything wrong in his behavior and it had pissed him off. In hindsight, Brian did not know how on earth he could have been so stupid and so blinded by his career aspirations.

***

Thursday December 6, 2007

“Cynthia, put me through to Justin’s cell!” Brian told her, his voice full of excitement.

“Boss, do I have to remind you that Mark is your assistant now?” Cynthia said with a smile.

“You’re glad I’m in a good mood or I’d threaten…”

“To fire me?” Cynthia finished his statement with a laugh. “Just press two on your speed dial and you’ll dial him.”

Brian gave his partner a dirty look before picking up the phone. Cynthia laughed as she closed his office door behind her. The phone rang a few times and Brian was starting to become irritated that his husband was not picking up.

“Hello?”

“Finally,” Brian said relieved.

“I was in the middle of helping Melanie and Lindsay put their crib together, Brian,” Justin said irritated.

“Oh sorry, guess what?”

Justin huffed, “What?” Brian heard him walking and then heard a door close before Justin started talking again. “So what did you want then?”

Brian shifted around in his chair. “No… uh, fuck!”

“I’m hanging up if the reason you called is to cuss at me,” Justin hissed quietly into the phone.

“That isn’t why I called,” Brian continued.

“Let me guess, you’re not going to make it to dinner tonight at Lindsay and Melanie’s. Well, you’ll have to make your excuses this time, Brian,” Justin said dryly.

“How about you let me take you out to dinner? I’ve got some celebrating to do tonight.”

“Hold on a minute,” Justin said softly. “Let me get this straight. You want me to just up and leave after Lindsay has been cooking this meal for us all day?”

“I’m sure she’ll understand if you tell her why.” Brian said, his happy mood dampening.

“What exactly is the reason?”

“The list came out today and Kinnetik‘s name is number one under Boutique Businesses and also under East Coast Advertising!”

“I’m sure Melanie and Lindsay would love to celebrate that with you too,” Justin told him evenly. “I mean, after all, they knew how excited you were about this and….”

“I just want to celebrate with you,” Brian cut him off. “I want to take you out to dinner and then maybe go to Babylon. It’s been a long time since we’ve gone there together.”

“Brian, what do you expect me to do with our children?”

“I’m sure Lindsay and Melanie would keep them overnight.”

“No, they won’t. Zaira has school tomorrow.”

“She can miss a day.”

“No, she can’t, Brian. Tomorrow is her class’ winter party.”

“Then I can pick her up and take her to school from their house.”

“What about Reaghan?”

“I’ll drop him off in the office daycare.”

“There’s no need for him to be there when I’ll be home, Brian,” Justin said exasperated.

“We can stay at the loft tonight; you can go home with sonny-boy tomorrow.”

“I can’t, Brian. His playgroup is having their winter party at our house tomorrow at noon. I have to be home to get ready for that.”

“The house is spotless. What do you need to get ready?”

“I have to cook and go shopping for some last minute things early in the morning.”

“Why are you being so difficult, Justin? You’ve been complaining about how…”

“Stop, stop right fucking there, Brian! I have not been fucking complaining to you about shit. If you’re talking about what we talked about two weeks ago I swear to god I’ll…”

“I’m trying to spend some alone time with you!”

“You want to celebrate something I hate!”

“What?”

“This fucking number one spot took you away from your family, Brian. Why would I want to celebrate that?”

“I wanted you to be proud of me, Justin,” Brian felt his voice wavering.

“How can I be proud of the man you have become while you’ve tried to get this prestige, Brian? How is that possible?”

“When I got the news, you… you’re the first person I thought about telling,” Brian admitted in a confused teary voice.

“Big fucking deal. That doesn’t mean shit to me when I’ve been the last person you’ve thought of this whole fucking year.”

“You…you aren’t proud of me at all. I thought that once I got there that then I wouldn’t have to spend so much time at the office. I could, I could almost do what Ted and you suggested.”

Justin gave Brian a bitter laugh. “What, you, leave Kinnetik? I don’t want you to leave your job, Brian.”

“I don’t know what it is you do want, Justin.”

“Brian,” Justin’s tone was soft. “I want you to come and celebrate with your whole family, with the people who care about you and were hoping for you.”

“I just really wanted to go out for some drinks and dancing,” Brian told him.

“You can do that when we go home from Mel and Lindsay’s, Brian. We can go down into the media room and pretend its Babylon just as we used to. I know Zaira misses dancing on your feet. It’s been forever since you danced with Reaghan too. And I…”

“I…I don’t want to do that. Not tonight.”

“Do what you want then, Brian. You always do.”

“Justin!”

“No, I…”

“I told you. I just want to go out tonight. I’ll fucking drop Kinnetik in Cynthia and Ted’s hands if you want me to.”

“No, Brian. You are not listening to me, you never listen. I do not want you to give up your job. You love your job; it is the only thing you ever really loved anyway. I wouldn’t want to take that from you.”

Brian could feel the tears in his eyes wanting to start at Justin’s words. When he heard the other man hang up, he squeezed his eyes shut and then blinked away the tears. He just did not understand Justin. Why couldn’t his husband be spontaneous just once? When it meant so much to him? He just wanted to show Justin that all he had worked for that entire year had been worth it!

Brian put the receiver back in the cradle and cleared his throat when he heard someone knocking on his door. He wiped at his eyes and straightened himself. “Come in.”

Ted came into his office with a smile on his face. “Great news, eh, Bri?”

Brian nodded. “Yeah… great.”

Ted gave Brian an odd look. “Aren’t you happy? I mean… we did it!”

Brian put on a fake smile. “Of course I’m happy, Theodore. I’m thrilled actually. So what do you say we see what Mikey’s up to and go out and celebrate?”

Ted gave him a confused look. “Michael? What about Justin?”

“Ah, Justin and the kids are having dinner at the munchers. Zaira’s got school tomorrow so…”

“Well, why don’t you go over there and celebrate with them?”

Brian rolled his eyes. “Justin doesn’t feel up to doing any celebrating.”

“Oh. Well, I would love to go out and celebrate with you, but when I told Blake the news he went and made us reservations for dinner at Poppaganos. After that, we are going to head home and have a nice romantic evening. Blake’s wanted one of those for a while and I don’t want to disappoint him.”

“No, you do not want to disappoint the hubby,” Brian said. Leave that to me, he thought.

“Right, well did you need me to do anything else before you go? Cynthia and Mark just left so…”

“Mark and Cynthia?” Brian said.

“They went off for their own romantic dinner I suppose,” Ted smiled. “So unless you need something else I’ll shut off all the lights and lock up behind me.”

“What, did Cynthia tell the whole staff to abandon ship?”

Ted looked at Brian worriedly. “Actually, she did.”

“Fuck!”

“But you told her to, Brian,” Ted said. “Shit, I’ve never seen our employees get out of the doors so quickly,” he laughed.

“Oh,” Brian looked glum. “Okay then, I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow morning. Don’t bother locking up; I’ll take care of that when I leave.”

“Okay. See you tomorrow.” Ted waved as he left the office.

Brian gave him a half-hearted wave and then got out his cell phone; he had no idea what number on speed dial Cynthia had set Michael’s number at the comic shop.

Thankfully, Mikey picked up the phone on the first ring. “Red Cape Comics, this is Michael, hope you’re having a super-hero day. How can I…”

Brian cut his friend off with his own laughter. “What the fuck was that?”

“What? Brian?”

“Yeah… what the fuck kind of way is that to answer the phone.” His mood was already much better.

“I always answer the phone like that when I’m at work, Brian.”

“I’ve never heard it. If I had, I would have remembered it,” Brian snickered.

“Whatever, it’s probably because you have Mark or Cynthia put me on hold whenever you call.”

“Oh,” Brian laughed. “I’ll have to call there more often.”

“What did you want, Brian? I’m just about to close up shop.”

“I don’t know if you heard, but I made the Fortune 500’s number one spot in two different categories.”

“Oh! That’s great, Brian!”

“Yeah, so I was wondering if you wanted to ditch the wife and kid for a night and come out with me to celebrate.”

“Sorry, Brian, but Ben’s cooking us a big dinner tonight. His mom is in town visiting.”

“What about after dinner?”

“After dinner I’ll have to get Jeffrey in bed. I know Ben will want to spend a little alone time with his mom. I’m pretty wiped from the day and Jeff and I have to be up early to make the brownies for the playgroup’s Christmas party.”

“Come on. I’m sure Ben won’t mind having to get his little guy in bed one night.”

“Maybe not,” Michael agreed. “But I really don’t want to ask him. By the way, why aren’t you celebrating with Justin and the kids?”

“Same reasons you won’t come celebrate,” Brian told him, half-truthfully. “He’s got to wake up early and get everything ready for the playgroup.”

“Well, I don’t blame him. I know he has already put a lot of work into the party. Planning a party for twenty 3 and 4-year-olds cannot be easy. That is why I’m making the brownies. He was going to do it, but he looked….”

Brian rolled his eyes. “Enough with the excuses, Mikey. I get it okay!” Brian’s voice once again took on a shaky tone.

“Brian?” Michael whispered. “Are you okay?”

“I’m just peachy, Mikey,” he snarked.

Michael could tell that whatever Brian was upset about had so much more behind it. He could hear it in his voice and it worried him to death. “Well, maybe I could ask…”

“Don’t do me any favors, Michael!” Brian flipped his phone closed, disconnecting the call. “Fuck!” His entire body was suddenly shaking. He wondered how the fuck his life ended up the way it was. Everyone had their own plans and he did not fit into them anywhere.

Brian stood up and walked over to the liquor cart. He picked up the Jim Beam and unscrewed the cap with his shaking fingers. He held up a shot glass to pour it into but then thought better of it. He growled out his frustration and threw it across the room. The shot glass hit the wall, shattering into a million pieces, somehow lessening Brian’s anger as he brought the bottle over to his desk. He plopped down into his leather chair and loosened his tie while he stared at the all pictures framed on his desk. I am a complete failure. Justin was right, Brian thought to himself. He sat back in his chair, blankly staring at the pictures of his family that adorned his desk and walls as he took the first shot of the night.

***

“Brian, what are you doing here?”

Brian paused mid-drink and put the bottle down. “I think that should be me asking you that question, Mikey.”

Michael walked toward Brian. “Jesus, I hope you haven’t had much of that.”

“Want some?”

Michael took the bottle from Brian and examined it. “Thank god.”

“I’ve only had two drinks, not that it’s any of your business.”

“You don’t want to show up to Melanie and Lindsay’s wasted.” Michael grabbed the cap from Brian’s desk and put the liquor bottle back onto the cart.

“What the fuck are you talking about, Mikey?” Brian rubbed his face and leered at his friend. “I’m NOT going to the munchers. Before you walked in I was celebrating.”

“Look, from the way you sounded on the phone I figured you were going to ruin it. So I thought I’d come down here and stop you.”

“Ruin what? Again, I ask, what are you talking about?”

“Ben’s mom isn’t in town. That was a cover… though I do still have to bake brownies for Justin.”

Brian stared at Michael as the man paced in front of him. “So you don’t want to hang out with me that bad, so you lied to me?”

“No!” Michael said quickly. “I… I didn’t want to ruin the surprise. I’m supposed to already be meeting Ben and Jeffrey at Lindsay’s.”

“What surprise? I thought Mel already had her baby shower?”

“She did. It is for you! The whole family, minus Ted and Blake, are already at the girls’ house waiting for you to show up and surprise you.”

Brian jumped up. “What?”

“We were all sure you’d get it, and Cynthia called us all earlier to confirm it! She actually called me right before you did. She said you were calling Justin, so I figured the plan was still on. Until you called me at the store.”

“Wait a minute.” Brian ran his hands through his hair, a feeling of sickness started to wash over him. “You mean… the dinner at Lindsay and Melanie’s is a surprise party for me?”

“Yes, you idiot, so get up. Go wash your face, brush your teeth and get to their house. And when you get there you damn well better act fucking surprised.”

“That won’t be hard,” Brian told him. “I don’t think the shock will have worn off before I get there.”

“Good,” Michael walked toward his friend. “I was worried about you, Brian. Justin would have been so upset if you didn’t show up.”

“He planned this?” Brian asked, not believing it after the conversation he had just had on the phone with his husband.

“Well, Lindsay and I suggested it last week. However, he has been at their house helping all day. We couldn’t have done it without him.”

“Yeah,” Brian said softly. “Neither could I.”

“Okay, I’ll see you there soon. I will tell them traffic was nuts. I don’t want anyone knowing I had to come here and ruin it. Got me?”

“Yeah, I got you, Mikey,” Brian hugged his friend. “See you soon. Thanks.”

Michael left the office and Brian darted into his private bath to get himself together. He realized that maybe he would not be such a disappointment after all; this could be the start of his chance to make everything that was going wrong, right again with his family.

***

Justin sat in the loveseat in the living room, trying his hardest to not burst into tears, or stand up and tell everyone what an asshole his husband was and put an end to the party. He blankly stared around the crowded room, not engaging in any conversation, too afraid of what his lips might confess.

“When is Dada coming?” Reaghan asked. He climbed up beside his father on the couch and voiced the question for what had to be the tenth time in as many minutes.

“I’m not sure, buddy. Please stop asking me and go play with Jeff,” Justin directed his son gently.

Reaghan hopped off the couch and said in a sad voice, “Fine, Dada.”

Justin watched as his son slowly slunk away and crawled over to his cousin. Justin wished the earth would move and swallow him up whole. He wished he had just gone ahead and told the girls as soon as he’d gotten off the phone with his husband. He should have let them down then; Brian was not coming and now he realized it would only make them all feel worse the longer the night went on. It would have made it a hell of a lot easier on all of them.

He just was not able to do it. Not this time. He could not tell them another excuse. He was so fucking tired of each lie and he was sure there was not one for this. At least this way, when the hours passed and Brian did not arrive, he would not be alone in his disappointment. He felt even worse for thinking that, but it was so hard not to share the burden he carried. Even if for one night someone else could carry it, it might lessen his pain just a little.

He looked over and watched as Zaira had her ear pressed against Melanie’s stomach. “I don’t hear anything.”

“I think the baby is sleeping,” Melanie told her niece, smiling at the child’s curiosity.

Zaira lifted her head up. “I can’t wait for the baby to come, Aunt Melanie.”

“Me too, but she’s still got to grow in here for another month.”

“That’s a long time,” Zaira said, gently rubbing her hands over Melanie’s belly.

“You have no idea,” Melanie laughed.

Justin watched in awe. He wanted it to be his belly his daughter was touching. He could already tell that his babies were growing inside him. His stomach was still surprisingly quite small for carrying twins. However, he had to work harder and harder to conceal it. There was a noticeable bump over his waistband and he constantly shifted his sweaters around, afraid they’d cling to him and someone would notice.

Zaira had been much younger and did not really care too much for what was in his belly when he was pregnant with Reaghan. She did not actually understand there was a baby inside him. Now she would, and now there were two. He wanted to share that experience with Zaira and with Reaghan too. He could not wait to tell them that they would be having two new babies in their family. He knew that he could not tell his children without telling Brian first though. No matter Brian’s reaction, Justin knew he could count on his daughter to be excited and happy for him. He was a little nervous about what his son’s reaction would be as Reaghan had a very jealous nature when it came to his attention, but he would work that all out when the time came.

There was a knock on the door and all of the talking in the room immediately stopped. Justin looked up as Lindsay made her way to the door. “It’s only Michael,” she said as she opened the door and ushered the man in.

Michael smiled as he took off his coat. “What a warm greeting,” he joked.

“Daddy!” Jeffrey took off running across the living room, knocking down the block tower he and Reaghan had been building and running into his father’s arms. “You’re here!”

“I am!” Michael picked Jeffrey up, kissed his son and walked him into the room filled with his anxious family.

“What took you so long?” Ben asked, giving his husband a kiss on the cheek.

“Traffic,” Michael replied. “Good thing I didn’t miss the surprise.”

Lindsay had grabbed a bottle of wine and was starting to walk around and pour refills into everyone’s glasses. Justin had stuck to having a bottle of water, but he was wishing he could have a whole bottle of the wine at this point.

“You okay, Justin?” Lindsay asked, standing in front of him.

“I’m fine. Just nervous, you know Brian doesn’t like surprises.”

“Don’t worry. He’ll like this one.”

“Yeah,” Justin agreed in a far-off tone.

“You sure you don’t want a glass of wine?”

“I’ve got to drive the kids home, so I’ll have to pass.”

“One glass won’t hurt. You look like you could use it.”

Justin was saved from answering when another knock surprisingly sounded at the door. He looked around the room. “Everyone is here,” he thought to himself.

The voices of the room were once again quiet as Lindsay scurried over to the door and opened it. “Brian! Come in.”

“Sorry I’m late,” Justin heard Brian say, not believing his own ears.

Brian stepped into the foyer and everyone jumped out of their seats and yelled, Surprise. Everyone, that is, but Justin. He just sat on the couch with a shocked look on his face, staring at his husband.

The room immediately went into an uproar as Brian entered the living room. His eyes held his husband’s eyes as everyone congratulated him, hugged him and told him how proud of him they were. Brian picked up his children and hugged them tightly, for a few extra long moments, the way he used to when he’d come home from a long day at the office. Then Brian put them down and headed toward Justin.

Everyone in the room had their eyes on the Kinney men. Justin felt himself shaking as he stood up to greet Brian. He was barely on his feet when Brian grabbed him and dipped his body backwards and gave him a stunningly deep kiss. Justin’s body had molded to Brian’s from years of practice and a year of longing, and his mouth opened from the same accord and allowed his husband’s tongue to enter his own mouth with a taste he had been craving and missing for so long. When it ended, Brian stood him back up right. Justin was dazed, confused and blushing madly as everyone laughed and cheered.

Brian moved and pressed his lover close to his body. “Hey.”

Justin gulped, still clutching tightly to Brian. “Hey.”

Brian kissed the side of Justin’s cheek and whispered, “Surprise, Sunshine.”

***

Friday, December 7, 2007

“Is there anything else you need my help with?” Brian asked.

Justin was again surprised by his husband’s question. He racked his brain for the million things on his mental list that needed to done. “Could you take the cookies and brownies up to the playroom?”

“Sure. Do you need anything else?” Brian asked.

“No. I’ll follow you up with the milk in just a minute,” Justin told him, going to grab the plastic red and green cups and the gallon of milk.

Brian was gathering the two trays of sweets when the phone rang. “I’ll get it.” He sat the confections back down and picked up the house phone. “Hello?”

Justin sort of listened to the one end of the conversation. Brian was talking in his business tone so he knew it was about work. He hoped that his husband would not be leaving to go fix some sort of work emergency.

He had been more than surprised the night before when Brian showed up to Lindsay and Melanie’s house. They had had a nice evening there and then when they arrived home Brian had danced with him in the media room. Justin had felt himself falling in love with Brian all over again as they danced around the room. Things were not perfect and he knew that he would need to talk to Brian before he could forgive him, but he had thought that it would lead to sex, and maybe he would tell Brian about the baby. However, the older man had passed out by the time he had made it out of the bathroom.

Brian had gotten up with him early, telling Justin that he would help with the party and that he was not going into work. That was a step in the right direction. Now, two hours into the party, he was very glad he had. Some of the children’s parents had not stayed and even though most had, it was still a mad house, and Brian had always had a way about him that would diffuse any hectic situation. This was one of the wonderful things Brian brought to their relationship, especially where raising children were concerned.

“Who was that?” Justin asked when Brian hung up the phone.

“Don’t sound so nervous,” Brian said.

“I just…”

“I know. I’m not going in today. Nevertheless, I needed to take that call. It seems I’m going to be interviewed!”

“For the list,” Justin said, trying not to sound dull.

“Yes. I’m going to meet with an interviewer for lunch on the 24th. He wants to hear all about me.” Brian grabbed up the trays again.

“December the 24th?” Justin asked. He felt a cold chill envelop his body.

“Yeah, for lunch.” Brian started to walk out of the kitchen.

“Brian!” Justin tried not to scream, but he could not help it.

Brian slowly turned around. He raised an eyebrow and spoke slowly, “What?”

“That’s Christmas Eve,” Justin said in a seething, but low voice.

“But it’s during the day,” Brian said.

“We’re going to Debbie’s,” Justin told him.

“I already told you that I had to work that day. I’m getting the final…”

“Brian, Christmas Eve is a fucking family day!”

“It’s also on a fucking Monday, I can’t help that.”

“But…”

“Look, I told you last night I’d be taking off a couple days before Christmas Eve. This is a once in a lifetime chance, Justin.”

You used to tell me, I was your once in a lifetime chance at love, Justin thought to himself. He let out a deep breath, rolled his eyes, and tried his best to hide his emotions. “Fuck it. I don’t want to talk about this now. We’ve got kids waiting for their milk.” Justin grabbed the milk and cups and followed Brian upstairs, his heart aching with Brian’s blasé betrayal, as he realized exactly what needed to be done.

Justin would try his hardest to change Brian’s mind. He would hope that the Christmas spirit would change his husband’s way of thinking, from ‘business minded’ back to ‘from the heart.” If it did not and Brian did go to the interview, then he knew for sure no matter what little things Brian did for them in between that time, that the man had not changed as he promised. It would appear to Justin that Brian was not willing to change and sacrifice his own needs for those of his family. Justin would not be willing to stick around after that.

***

December 24, 2007

Brian sighed, “I don’t know what happened to me.”

“I do,” Justin, told him. “You got so obsessed with becoming number one that we fizzled out. We were barely on your radar a couple of weeks ago.”

“I know,” Brian told him.

“I don’t think you really do want to know, Brian. Do you want me to explain it to you? Tell you what you really did that hurt me?”

“Yes,” Brian said softly. He knew it would be painful, be he deserved it. He vowed, “I’ll listen. I really will.” Moreover, Brian needed to know it all, so that he knew how much damage control he truly needed to do with his relationship with his family.

Justin looked into Brian’s eyes and saw only truth in them. He began his confessions in a soft tone. “What hurt the most about you not being around, about you missing so much of the children growing up? All the millions of things you have missed with Reaghan and Zaira have been hard on me in more ways than you will ever realize. But, it was not just you missing this or that, Brian.”

“I’m sorry for missing them,” Brian spoke softly.

“You should be,” Justin replied. “Can I continue?”

“Yes, please,” Brian told him, biting his lip.

“As I was saying, it was not only the fact that my own time was stretched extremely thin trying to manage all of their activities on my own. Activities that you suggested for them in the first place. It was not the times that I had to try to explain to them why you were not coming or why you lied to us. Or all the times I tried to excuse your behavior to them and others and convince our children of something I was not sure was true. That they were more important than your work and that you really did want to be with them. I could even take all the times they took out their disappointment, their longing for you, on me. They’d be irritated and treat me like shit, but I only loved them even more because even when they are mean to me, I know that I’d rather be with them than anywhere else, Brian.” Justin paused, wiped the tears from his eyes and tried to calm down before speaking more.

Brian handed Justin some Kleenex and rubbed his husband’s back.

“The worst hurt you caused was that it was only me experiencing all of it. It was just me, Brian, alone without you to hold onto, to be sad, happy and excited with about our beautiful kids. We are supposed to experience our children growing up, and yeah, even being brats, together. I missed you so much sometimes. We used to be best friends and I lost you completely. I was going out of my mind, but I was too embarrassed to talk to anyone about any of this and I covered up for you because I love you and don’t want anyone thinking bad things about you, even if they would have been true. You are my husband, and I took those vows, in good times and in bad, but lately the bad times were just too many for me to handle. The good times had nearly disappeared. You did not even want those with me when I did try to make them happen. You wanted to go out with your friends and you didn’t give a shit about me at all. The kids and I seemed to become a problem for you too. I thought we were your sanctuary. You told me that once. Do you remember? You came home and found me in the nursery with Zaira and Reaghan, do you remember that?”

Brian softly spoke, “Yes. I remember. It was the first day you were alone after Reaghan was born. I had lost some account or something, I can’t remember. All I could think about though, all day, was coming home to you. I found you upstairs, you were nursing Reag in the rocking chair, the sun was setting and there was an orange light bathing the room. Zaira was on a bean bag beside you napping, and I came in and you looked up at me.” Brian squeezed Justin’s hands and held his eyes with his own. “I’d felt like I had left everything behind. Nothing about that shitty day at work mattered because I was there with you. You asked me why I came home early and I told you that I needed my sanctuary. That you guys were it; you still are, Justin.”

“I don’t think so, Brian. It has felt like you hate being here. You barely even ate our Thanksgiving dinner because you were in such a rush to get back to your campaign. You have no idea how much it hurt me to see you just ignore that holiday and then our fight the day after, the things you said and did to me…”

“Are unforgivable,” Brian interrupted.

Justin shook his head at his husband’s words. He corrected him, “No. That’s where you’re wrong. You see, Brian, if I really thought that you meant what you said deep down in your heart, if I thought that there was no hope for you, for our family, I would have been gone the next day. But I still needed to find out what I would do if you made me lose hope. I contacted a lawyer just in case. I was going to leave you the day after Christmas if you went into that fucking interview today. That would have shown me that you had not changed. It would have shown me where your true priorities were. But you didn’t.”

No, I did not go, Brian thought to himself. However, he also knew that the reasons he did not go were more circumstantial at this point than anything else.

“I still am so very angry with you, Brian. You did something to me, I told you about it, but I am going to tell you again because I do not think you actually realize what exactly you did. It’s about the last time we had sex.”

Brian felt his stomach drop and then turn in circles within him. He knew what Justin was going to say. It was without doubt one of the worst things he had ever done to Justin and he was sickened by himself at the memories.

“You used me, Brian. You hadn’t touched me, let alone made love to me in a really long time and you were pissed about something and took it out on me.”

“Justin. I can’t fucking apologize enough for that, for all of the ways I’ve hurt you. But I really am sorry. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking.”

“No, listen. You know that I don’t mind angry or even quick fucks here and there. With two kids, it is hard to get time for a long session, and I am not saying I did not get off on it. I did. It was you, so of course I did. But you hurt me, mentally and physically, Brian. You didn’t prepare me and you didn’t listen when I told you to slow down. You just took from me and used me as if I was nothing to you but a fucking hole in a meaningless body. I felt like a whore, especially because I got off on it. You always make sure that I come first, but you didn’t even hold me afterwards. I felt so vulnerable and you had fallen asleep and I wanted to run away but I couldn’t. I could not move. In the morning, you were gone and I woke up feeling sore in so many ways. You can’t ever hurt me like that again, Brian.”

“I won’t, Justin. I promise you. I will change. I will do anything to try and take the pain away,” Brian moved toward Justin and brought his husband into his arms.

He was grateful that even after all he had done, Justin still allowed and even wanted to be held by him. “I didn’t realize and I wasn’t listening. I was so fucked up, and when I first started fucking up it was as if I wanted to just stay away from you because I was afraid I’d only hurt you more. I know it’s fucked up logic, Justin, but I don’t know how else to explain it. I let my fears control me, then it seemed the only thing I had control of was the business. I was afraid I was becoming like my father, Justin. Hell, I know that I probably have. I understand if you want to leave me. If you want me to leave the day after tomorrow, I will understand if that’s what you think is best for our family. I want to always put you and the kids first from now on,” Brian spoke softly. “What you want and need comes first, no matter what that will do to me.”

Justin looked up at Brian. “Is that what these last couple of days have been, Brian?”

Brian shook his head. “What?”

Justin stiffened in his arms and swung his legs around the side of the bed. His shoulders slumped and he put his head in his hands as he asked, “Do you want to divorce me?”

Brian crawled over behind Justin and wrapped his body around him. “No. Never, Justin, the last couples of days have been crazy. I knew I was losing you and I wanted to change that. I know I fucked up a few times these last few days, going into the office instead of helping you with the last minute gifts and other things. But I want to change, really change, Justin.”

“But what made you want to change, Brian?”

Brian squeezed Justin to him, trying to figure out a way to tell him the truth without making Justin want to commit him to a mental ward. He finally spoke, “I had this horrible nightmare. You and the kids were killed in a car accident and when I woke up I was alone, without you guys. I never want that to happen. I never want to be without you, Justin. You are my once in a lifetime chance at love, and you and the kids still are my sanctuary. You are the most creative, smart, beautiful man I have ever known, and I am the luckiest man in the world to have you love me, even just a little bit. I love you so much!” Brian kissed the side of Justin’s face, his tear tracks mixed with his husband’s tears as they sat in silence for a few minutes.

Justin leaned his head back on Brian’s shoulder and looked up at his husband. For the first time in a year, Brian looked like the man he married. “I love you more than a little bit, Brian.” He kissed the man’s jaw. “You’re the only man I’ll ever love, so it’s a good thing you want to change, otherwise I’d be extremely lonely. I don’t think I could ever have another man touch me that isn’t you. I couldn’t love anyone the way I love you, couldn’t want anyone like I want you.”

Brian’s heart warmed at Justin’s words. “You’d still want me after the last time?”

Justin nodded. “I still want you, Brian, and I’ve always wanted you. But that doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. That does not mean that we are not going to have to work on our relationship and our family. I want you now, just as I’ve always wanted you?”

“I’m afraid to touch you. I don’t want to hurt you,” Brian said.

“I trust you. Now how about you start to erase all of those bad times right now?”

Brian sniffled and gave Justin a warm smile before bending his head and kissing his lover’s lips softly. He then pushed Justin up a little bit and started to trail kisses over his neck, immediately making the younger man moan.

He moved his hands up from where they rested on Justin’s arms, and then he trailed them down along the line of Justin’s silky pajama shirt. His chin rested on his husband’s shoulder as he unbuttoned the top button with his shaky fingers.

Justin’s breath hitched as Brian opened the second button. Two more and surely Brian would be able to tell what Justin had been keeping safe from him. He looked down and watched Brian’s long fingers fiddle with the next button, he could feel Brian’s body shaking with nervous excitement, surrounding his own that matched.

Brian opened the fourth button and his fingers seemed to go on autopilot, pulling apart the others until there was only one left at the bottom. He knew from the start what he would uncover underneath, but it still had not prepared him. “God, Justin,” Brian said, choked with emotion.

Justin brought his hands up to lie on top of Brian’s as they began to explore his skin. “You’re not mad, are you?” Justin had to voice the question whose answer had terrified him for so long.

Brian rubbed his cheek against Justin’s. “No, no baby. I am not mad, not at you anyway. I’m angry with myself.” Brian massaged Justin’s belly. “How could I not have realized before?”

Justin did not answer him, he just let out a long breath and let the last of his tears, tears of relief, fall.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t pay attention to you, Justin. It isn’t right, but I promise you I will make it right,” Brian whispered. Brian started to kiss Justin’s neck again and then up and around his face.

Justin leaned back onto Brian’s shoulder and opened his mouth to receive the tender kisses Brian gave him. He looked into Brian’s eyes and found so much love reflected within them. He smiled at Brian, pecked the man’s lips a few more times and then stood up, turned around and crawled onto the bed.

Brian watched as Justin’s ass stuck up into the air as the younger man crawled up the bed and then flipped over in the middle. His cock twitched at the lustful stare Justin’s blue eyes gave him. “Come here, Brian,” the younger man called him, his voice laced with want and need. Justin’s legs drew up, making the silk material stretch over his cock and in the crack of his ass.

Brian spun around and in seconds his knees were between Justin’s legs.

Justin laughed at his husband. “Undress me, Brian.”

The older man reached forward and popped the last button on Justin’s shirt. He put one arm around Justin’s waist and lifted him up off the mattress, kissing along his clavicles as he removed the silk completely. He then laid his lover back down; his hands skimmed and caressed all the exposed skin as they quickly moved to the waistband of Justin’s pajama pants.

Justin could feel his entire body heating up with every touch from his husband’s fingers. He raised his hips up as Brian grabbed at his waistband and pulled the fabric away from his body. The entire time Brian’s eyes followed his hands’ movements. His cock was then freed from its warm confines, hitting the cool air, the head glistening with pre-come and dropping onto his stomach as it bobbed against it. Brian groaned and dropped his head down to Justin’s lap. He swiped his tongue out to retrieve the tasteful emission from his husband’s belly. Justin shook with pleasure from the gentle touch. “Brian, please,” he begged.

Brian surveyed Justin’s body and looked at his blond, awaiting his touch. He gave him a small smile that seemed to quickly turn from happy to ravenous as he leaned back, his butt on his heels, and in a blur he removed the rest of Justin’s pants, leaving his man completely naked. His eyes feasted on the beauty that seemed crafted just for him, for his pleasure and want alone. Justin’s was the only body that he could ever truly lose himself within and the only body in return that he could lose himself too.

He could not believe that he had taken this beautiful creature before him for granted. Brian didn’t understand how in the world he had not taken every second he could to be beside or within Justin. He couldn’t comprehend exactly how he could have hurt Justin, not cared for him and praised him, each time, each day, the way he should have? The only answer had to be that Brian simply had to have been insane during the last year.  

But he was not crazy anymore; well now it was a different kind of crazy. He was crazy in love and crazy in want. He wanted to ravish Justin and show the man what an honor it was to kiss, lick, suck and love him, as if he had never worshipped him before. This was the beginning for them both, all over again. No matter what happened when they woke up, he would be able to have this, these moments with his man. He would know that he had given Justin his everything, because even then he knew that Justin deserved more.

“Brian, do something,” Justin whispered, grabbing onto Brian’s hands and squeezing them. “Get undressed, please, let me see you too.”

Brian unbuttoned his shirt and threw it across the room. As he did, Justin’s leg came up and Justin used his foot to caress a trail down his shoulder, over his pec, his toes squeezing at his nipple as it moved down to his stomach and then over his dripping erection that was still encased in the silk bottoms. Brian felt his body jump at the caress and nearly came prematurely, only holding off because the look of want in Justin’s eyes as he did it reminded Brian that this was not only about his pleasure. It was about him giving Justin everything he had and more, then achieving maximum pleasure as a united whole once again.

Brian backed up on the bed and captured Justin’s foot. His hands brought it up to his mouth. He stared into Justin’s dark blue eyes as he moved his lips to the pinky toe and opened his mouth, sucking the digit in.

“Ah! Oh fuck, Brian!” Justin growled. Brian and he had experimented with everything but he could not remember Brian ever doing this. It felt so good, and it made goose bumps rise all over his body.

Brian suckled at Justin’s toes, making his way slowly to each one, bathing them in his spit and tasting Justin’s salty skin along the way. He then peppered kisses along the top and then bottom of Justin’s foot, his hands massaging the tender tissues as he did so. His gently placed Justin’s foot back on the bed, raising his knee and spreading his leg so that he could trail wet kisses up his leg, starting at his ankle, up his shin, giving extra attention to all the hidden spots he knew were Justin’s secret sensitive places. His tongue left a trail of saliva as it sucked at different spots on his knee, under Justin’s knee, causing Justin to giggle and moan all at once. His lips placed wet kiss after wet kiss up and around Justin’s thigh and then down into the crease of his skin.

Justin was in absolute heaven. He was tingling with excitement and he was not sure how he could hold off from coming, but he did. He forced himself to. He knew that the only way he wanted to come was when Brian’s thick cock stretched him and filled him with heat. His breathing labored even more when Brian buried his face in his blond pubes and started to lick at the skin underneath and suck it between his lips.

Justin’s cock was jumping against Brian’s cheek, the leaking tip buried in Brian’s auburn hair as the man moved around tasting him. Then it started all over. His other foot was taken, toes sucked and licked and Justin had to close his eyes from the wild look in Brian’s eyes as he performed the act. His body vibrated from the pleasing tongue and lips as they covered every inch of his leg.

Brian took one long swipe up and down each side of Justin’s leaking erection before deep throating the long thick cock back into the depths of his throat. Justin bucked his hips, burying his cock further into Brian’s mouth. The older man placed his hands on Justin’s crotch, lightly pushing his moaning lover back down to the bed and dragging his cock back out of his mouth with a plop.

“Oh god, Brian, hurry please!” Justin growled as his lover draped his body over him.

“Taste yourself, Justin,” Brian said as he leaned in and teased Justin’s mouth open with a kiss. He bathed his tongue’s taste, transferring it to Justin’s, feeling Justin’s hands move up and grab his hair, mashing their faces together more as Justin’s hard cock slid around on the silk that still covered Brian’s lower body. Brian finally pulled away, his tongue tracing around Justin’s red, puffy lips until he leaned back far enough to lose the contact.

Justin opened his eyes when their kisses ended and he arched himself into Brian’s body. “Fuck…Brian,” Justin growled.

“You always taste so good, Justin,” Brian told his lover, his hand smoothing back the sweaty blond bangs from his face. “I missed tasting you. I’m not done tasting you.”

Brian then grabbed Justin’s right arm and stretched it out as he moved his body off Justin. Justin wanted to tell Brian to stop, to fuck him already! But he was enjoying this playful, loving and exploring side of Brian too much to do so. Therefore, he just laid back and closed his eyes as his fingers entered his lover’s mouth.

Brian massaged Justin’s hand as his tongue traced around his wrist, his lips suckled at the flesh and he was rewarded with a gasping moan of his name. This was one of Justin’s favorite spots to be touched or have tasted. He loved when Brian would massage his hands after he had been painting and then just trail his thumb around and around his wrist. More often than not, it would lead to Justin begging to be taken, but this time he saw that Justin’s eyes were closed, only focused on the sensation and intimacy of this act that was special to the both of them.

Justin kept his eyes closed as Brian moved his tongue along and around the muscles on his arm. He felt Brian’s stubble scratch at the skin of his under arm and then his tongue started to lick and suck and nibble in the sensitive juncture. He didn’t open his eyes when Brian dropped his arm and picked up the other one to give it the same attention, he knew he couldn’t; he’d lose himself from the raw emotions brought on by the animalistic act, heightened by the scene.

Brian dropped Justin’s arm and then moved his head down, licking and biting at Justin’s chest, stopping to suck and nip at Justin’s hard pink nipples. His tongue trailed further, bathing Justin’s belly in kisses and paying more attention to his belly button that had already started to poke out. He bypassed Justin’s cock when he reached it again and then pushed Justin’s thighs back, opening his lover’s soft globes up to expose the pink twitching hole.

“Watch me eat you,” Justin heard Brian command him in a husky voice, his fingertips lightly stroking on the skin inside his ass, almost but not quite touching his puckered entry. He had to take a few deep breaths before he could open his eyes. As soon as he did, he let out a long groan. Brian’s mouth was covered with spit. His lips were a plump raspberry color and they hung open, his wet glistening tongue resting on his bottom lip, awaiting the delicious taste of Justin’s entrance. His hazel eyes glazed over, making the browns of his eyes sparkle and the greens brighten as he looked at him. Justin had never seen Brian look more beautiful than he did at that moment, looking completely blissed out, and it was because he’d been pleasuring him.

Brian looked at Justin’s beautiful expression, and then he looked back down, his head moving, tongue poking out and connecting with the silky flesh that was the entrance to Justin’s body. He tasted the very core of Justin and felt himself going crazy from each lick and nibble he gave as he burrowed his tongue further, softening the folds, lubing them with his spit to make the sweet place ready for his cock. He devoured the tastes of every part of Justin’s insides he could reach, and when he had slipped three fingers in and had his lover rocking back onto his hand, he finally backed away and slowly pulled his fingers out from the tight hole.

Justin was, in a word, a mess. “Please, Brian!” He could not help but beg for it now, “Come on, inside me.”

Brian moved as fast as he could, taking off his pants and then crawling up Justin’s body. He kneeled beside the younger man’s head, taking it in his hands, “Get me wet, Justin.”

Justin opened his mouth and groaned at the taste of the pre-come dripping on his tongue as Brian fed his cock into his mouth. “No, no, don’t suck it. I’ll come,” Brian told him. Justin licked all around Brian’s cock, his mouth watered at the tastes, coating the hard dick in saliva.

Then Brian pulled away from his husband’s teasing mouth. “It’s enough,” he said in a whispered growl. Brian got between Justin’s legs and lifted them onto his shoulders. “This okay?”

Justin felt a bit of a stretch in his thighs as Brian pushed them back toward his chest, but his belly was not large enough yet to make the position uncomfortable. “God yes,” he rasped out, ready for more.

Brian nodded his head and moved his hips, poking his erection onto the outside of Justin’s hot hole, feeling the welcoming heat envelop him as he inched forward slowly into his husband’s body.

Justin moved his legs back more, his knees near his head and his hands reached down between them to guide Brian inside of him. His hips jutted up in welcome as their bodies moved toward each other.

Brian stared into Justin’s eyes, smiled when the man moved his hand from between them, and rubbed his fingers down along his face. “Make love to me, Brian,” Justin told him, grinning at him with happiness.

Brian ground his pelvis down into Justin’s ass and both men moaned. He leaned down and passionately kissed his lover. “I will, baby. Does it feel good?”

“Yes, Brian,” Justin whispered in between kisses, his hands moving to grasp onto Brian’s forearms.

Brian moved slowly at first, dragging his cock along Justin’s prostate on every pass. He knew that he was close and he needed to make sure he took Justin with him. There was no way he was going to last long, surrounded in Justin’s tight ass and looking into Justin’s beautiful face, feeling his tongue being suckled by Justin’s lips; it was too much sensation to quell.

“Make me come, Brian,” Justin told him, he too could not wait any longer.

Brian then picked up the pace; slamming in and out of his husband as they kissed messily and ached to be taken to heaven; they could feel nipping at the tips of their nerves. Thrust after thrust built the urgency and finally Brian watched as Justin’s eyes opened, almost in shock, looking right into him as he shook around him and came, his cock twitching and sending jet after jet of come out of its tip and onto his belly, chest, and neck. His ass muscles squeezed around Brian almost painfully.

Justin felt Brian thrust into him throughout his orgasm and then Brian’s cock seemed to thicken to an impossibly heated point within him, and then Brian fused their mouths together, groaning into his mouth as he came, shooting his liquid fire-like seed deep inside him. He unlocked his legs from Brian’s shoulder’s and brought the man down to rest on top of him as they still continued to kiss, their panting breaths against their faces, their hands still touching sensitive flesh.

After a few moments, Brian and Justin seemed to calm down and Brian lifted off his husband, gently withdrawing from his body. “You okay?” Brian asked.

“Yeah,” Justin smiled. “That was fucking wonderful, Brian. You’ve never made love to me like that before.”

Brian smiled and pecked Justin’s lips before crawling out of the bed.

“Where are you going, Brian?” Justin sat up, feeling Brian’s seed start to drip out of him

“I’m just going to get a warm wash cloth. I’ll be right back.”

Justin lay back down and closed his eyes, his body still experiencing the euphoria Brian provided for him. He opened them back up when he felt the dip in the bed and felt Brian spreading his legs.

Brian bent down between Justin’s legs and spread the boy’s cheeks apart, the washcloth dangled near the come covered open hole. He had intended on cleaning Justin with the cloth but couldn’t resist fusing his mouth to the hole and sucking as much of his seed from Justin’s body as he could.

“Oh fuck, Brian!” Justin’s cock was instantly hard again and he felt himself grow immediately dangerously close to having another orgasm from the fury in which Brian was licking and sucking at him.

Brian licked around the hole a few more times, getting the last traces and enjoying each taste of his come mixed with Justin’s unique taste. He heard Justin groaning in lust and took his mouth off the hole. His cock was now back to full hardness as well. He turned and straddled Justin’s chest, held himself a little above his lover’s body and started to grind his cock on Justin’s chest and stomach, through the sticky come that lay there and he enveloped Justin’s rigid cock into his mouth.

“Brian, Brian, Brian,” Justin was a moaning mess as he felt his lover’s hard cock grinding against him. He reached up and pulled Brian’s waist back and then grabbed his husband’s dripping dick and took it into his mouth.

Both men licked and sucked with all they had and simultaneously they both came, their hot seed coating, racing down each other’s throats.

Brian pulled his cock from Justin’s mouth, sat beside him, and laughed as he grabbed the abandoned washcloth and started to clean them both up the rest of the way.

Justin smiled at Brian’s gentle care. This man before him really was changing, and he was so glad that he was. “Come up here with me,” Justin told Brian as he moved up and got under the covers.

Brian started to crawl toward Justin but then paused when something caught his eye. He looked over at the nightstand and grabbed the red envelope. “I have to open my card. I almost forgot,” Brian smiled.

Justin could not help but giggle as Brian snuggled in beside him. “You do,” he smirked.

Brian opened the envelope. “It’s beautiful.” He told Justin once he saw the card. He then opened it up and removed the stack of photos. He flipped through them smiling as he looked at each one. Then at the third picture his heart soared. “Twins?”

“Yeah,” Justin smiled. “It’s going to be tough.”

“We’ll make it. I’ll make sure of it,” Brian promised, kissing Justin. “I’m really happy about the babies, Justin. Having four kids is going to be crazy. I don’t want you to second-guess my priorities and me; I promise I will be there for you and the kids. ”

Justin hugged Brian tightly. “Thank you; I just really want you to show me you mean it, Brian, though I want to trust that you do.”

“I do mean it. I will show you. I promise I will.”

“What do you think the kids will say?” Justin asked. He didn’t want to talk about the negative things right now. He had more than hope, and that was all that mattered to him.

“I think they’ll be thrilled. I mean, Zaira cannot leave Melanie and her belly alone. Imagine what it’s going to be like when she knows you’ve got two growing in here.” Brian ran his thumb in circles around Justin’s belly.

“Yeah, it’s been so hard not telling them.”

“And that’s my fault. You were trying to tell me that day we had the fight weren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Justin said quietly. “But then you said: it’s a good thing we don’t have any more children, and I couldn’t tell you after that.”

“Yeah, I don’t blame you. I was such an asshole and I cannot imagine how much that must have hurt you to hear me say that. To say any of the things I’ve said to you.”

“Brian, I will forgive you for those words. In fact, I already have. I just need you to mean the things you say to me from here on out.”

“I will. I promise I will help you with everything. Whenever you need it, I’ll be there for you.”

“Good, because to be honest I’m a little scared. We’ve got a lot to get ready for; even though we’ve done this twice it’s going to be so much different having two little newborns at once.”

“I’m sure it will be. When are you due?”

“I’m almost 11 weeks along.”

“So around my birthday!” Brian said excitedly.

“Yeah,” Justin smiled. “But the doctor said that twins can sometimes come early or even be up to two weeks late. They can develop at a slower rate than a baby may with a single pregnancy. There is a lot of information we will need to read and talk about with the doctor. So don’t get too stuck on the date.”

“I won’t.” Brian put his hand on Justin’s stomach. “Twins,” he said in wonder.

“I guess this means you won’t have to carry any of them. You won’t actually ever know what hard labor is,” Justin joked.

Brian looked at Justin and shook his head. “I guess this just means we’ll have to have five then.”

“Five?”

“I still want it to be me one day. I want to carry your baby inside me too. I want to know what it feels like,” Brian said softly.

Justin smiled brightly. “It’s the most amazing feeling in the entire world.” He snuggled down and rested his head on Brian’s chest. “One day you’ll know. One day you’ll know how beautiful it feels to have a part of the man you love, more than anything, growing inside you.”

Brian put the card and its contents back in the envelope and placed it back on the nightstand. “I love you, Justin. So much,” he could feel his eyes start to close as the emotions and physical exertions of the day took hold of his body.

“I love you too, Brian,” Justin closed his eyes, his head on Brian’s chest, listening to the reassuring sound of his husband’s heartbeat.

 

The Christmas Eves

Chapter Eight: “Alive”

“Merry Christmas, Daddy.”

“Merry Christmas, Daddy.”

The man in the bed groaned but still smiled at the sound of his children’s enthusiastic voices waking him up. He slowly blinked his eyes open and took in his husband and children. They stood on the side of his bed, holding a tray filled with what he knew would be a delicious breakfast. It smelled so good. “Good morning,” he said in a groggy voice, pulling the covers tightly around him as he sat up.

“Good morning, Daddy,” Reaghan said happily, crawling up on the bed and hugging his father.

“Come here, princess.” He patted the space beside him and Zaira quickly crawled next to his other side. “What have you been up to this morning?”

“Dada helped us make you breakfast!” Zaira told him.

Brian handed Justin the breakfast tray and kissed his forehead as he did. “Merry Christmas, Justin. I love you.”

“Come on, guys,” Brian directed. “Let Daddy have a little space to eat and come sit on the floor.”

“Why can’t we eat in bed with you and Daddy?” Reaghan asked.

“You’re still a little too messy for that, kiddo.” Brian grabbed Reaghan into his arms. “Coming in for a landing,” he said, flying his son through the air and setting him down on the floor.

“That was fun, Dada!” Reaghan giggled as he moved over to the trunk by the end of the bed where his and his sister’s plates sat.

“Me too, Dada!” Zaira said, holding her arms out.

Justin watched in surprise and awe as he became more aware of his surroundings. He laughed with Brian as his husband flew Zaira through the air. His heart started to beat a little quicker when he realized that Brian wasn’t wearing his pajama shirt, Brian's muscles straining in his arms as he spun Zaira around and then placed her beside her brother.

Brian turned and looked at Justin, noticing the younger man blushing as their eyes met. “What?”

Justin cleared his throat and shook his head. “I just can’t believe you did all this.” He looked down at his meal. Brian had cooked him breakfast…and there was bacon? “Where did the bacon come from?”

Brian smirked. “I forgot to tell you I bought a pig last week and…”

“Dada,” Reaghan said, his mouth full of pancakes. “Can we watch Frosty now?”

Brian grabbed the remote and turned on the program. He then grabbed his tray of breakfast food and crawled in beside Justin. “You had some in the freezer.”

“Oh!” Justin grabbed two of the strips and crammed the crispy food in his mouth.

“Is it good?” Brian asked, cutting up his food.

“Delicious,” Justin affirmed, taking a long swallow of his orange juice. Then something occurred to him. “You didn’t let the kids go into the family room, did you?”

“Of course not,” Brian said, quickly eating his food. After their activities last night he was starving. “I love you.”

Justin smiled up at Brian and whispered the same words back. He looked at his tray of food. “You really outdid yourself.”

Brian laughed. “This is nothing like the breakfast you made me yesterday. It’s just pancakes and bacon.”

“Dada twied to cook eggs but they got yucky,” Reaghan informed Justin matter-of-factly.

“They got burnt,” Zaira translated. “I told him to turn the fire down.”

Justin laughed around his mouthful and looked at Brian. “It’s the thought that counts.”

Brian blushed at Justin’s words. “I love you.”

“You’ve told me that at least twice in the twenty minutes since I’ve been awake.”

“I might tell you again and again in the next twenty minutes,” Brian replied. “Are you going to get tired of it?”

Justin smiled. “Never.” He leaned over and gave Brian a deep kiss.

Brian thrust his tongue into his husband’s mouth and tasted the sweet syrup inside it. “Yummy.”

“You taste good too.” Justin leaned against Brian’s shoulder, taking comfort from Brian’s fingers carding through his hair.

“I’m so happy,” Brian told him. It was so simple but true.

“Me too, Brian,” Justin whispered.

“Daddy, I’m done!” Reaghan stood up and started to bounce. “Can we open our presents now?”

“And our stockings?” Zaira added, placing her fork down on the empty plate.

“You both need to go get washed up first,” Justin told them.

“But we need to go put our plates in the kitchen,” Zaira said mischievously.

“We’ll take them down later,” Brian told her.

“But…” Reaghan whimpered.

“No peeking downstairs. Santa is still watching and he can come and take the presents back if you sneak a peek,” Brian said.

“We won’t,” Zaira promised with a smile.

“Nope!” Reaghan said. “I want all my pwesents.”

“You’ll get them,” Justin said. “But we’re going to take this slow like we do every year.”

“And enjoy every minute,” Brian added.

Justin smiled at him and then looked back at his anxious kids. “Dada is right. We all want to enjoy every minute. So go get your hands and faces washed, brush your teeth and go pick up your playroom.”

“But we wanna open pwesents!” Reaghan put his hands over his face in a pout.

“You want to have somewhere nice and clean to put all your presents, don’t you?” Brian asked them.

Both of the kids nodded. “But I don’t think my pwesent from Santa will go in the play woom,” Reaghan told them.

Justin racked his brain, trying to think if there was anything the boy had asked for from Santa Claus that could not be put in there. He couldn’t think of anything. “Well, I know Dada and I picked out stuff for your playroom, so go and make some room in your toy boxes. Dada and I are going to take a shower and then we’ll come and get you, okay?”

“Okay, Daddy,” Reaghan pouted.

Zaira grabbed her teddy bear from the floor and gave it a tight squeeze. “All right.”

“We’ll come and get you when we’re ready,” Brian told them, getting out of the bed and stacking the kids’ plates on his empty tray.

The kids slumped out of the room and Brian went over to close the door behind them. “You know, you’d think that they weren’t about to walk into a room filled with Christmas presents.”

Justin laughed. “I don’t know why it’s any surprise. It is only eight o’clock. They usually have to wait until ten.” Justin hurried and gobbled the last of his food and crawled over to the other side of the bed to stack his tray underneath Brian’s tray.

Brian watched as the sheet fell off Justin’s body. The curves of his shoulders revealed first, and then the silk trailed down his back as he crawled further along the bed. Brian's mouth watered as he watched the material fall away from one butt-cheek and then the other.

Justin swung his legs around the bed and was just about to stand when he felt tickling from inside his belly. “Oh. My. God. Brian!” he laughed out and put his hands on his belly as he flopped backwards on the bed.

Brian looked over at Justin curiously and approached Justin who clutched his stomach as he rocked back and forth on the bed. “What are you doing?” He stood between Justin’s legs looking down on him.

Justin tried to catch his breath, the feeling was so overwhelming. “It tickles.”

Brian smiled and dropped down closer to Justin, his arms on either side of Justin’s laughing head. “What tickles?”

“The…” Justin took a few deep breaths as he tried to calm down and fight against the laughter welling inside him. He brought his hands up around Brian’s waist. “The babies, I can feel the babies fluttering around, Brian.” Justin let out a giggle, moved his hands up to Brian’s neck, and pulled his head closer to him so their foreheads touched.

“Just like with Reaghan,” Brian whispered, staring into Justin’s eyes, his mouth moving against Justin’s lips.

“Yes,” Justin laughed out, his breath bursting into Brian’s open mouth.

“You remember how we made that stop?” Brian asked him.

Justin lifted his legs up and wrapped them around Brian’s thighs. “Yeah I do.” His body still shook with laughter as he slipped his tongue out and danced it across Brian’s lips and teeth.

Brian pressed his body gently on top of Justin’s and brought his own tongue out to caress his lover’s warm pink appendage.

Justin laughed into Brian’s mouth and pulled away. “Sorry.”

Brian smiled. “Justin. Can’t you be serious?” He ground his silk-covered groin against Justin’s groin. “This is a very serious matter.”

“I know…” Justin laughed. “Maybe if I move into another position it’ll stop.”

Brian lifted off Justin and watched as his husband turned over and crawled to the center of the bed. Brian slipped his pants off and started to stroke his cock to hardness, it didn’t take very long because Justin had soon positioned his body to be on his knees, shoulders and head pressed into a pillow, ass high in the air.

Justin looked over at Brian. “Come on, Brian, I don’t have all day,” he chuckled.

Brian growled and jumped onto the bed. He crawled up behind Justin’s upturned ass and threw his body over Justin’s, covering him completely.

Justin giggled, “Brian.”

The older man’s mouth gnawed at the skin on the side of Justin’s neck, taking the skin between his teeth and then laving it with his spit. “I love you.”

“Ahhh!” Justin buried his face into the pillow to stifle his scream of passion.

“You want me inside you, Justin?” Brian asked as he slid his dick up and down through Justin’s butt cheeks to his hole, stopping for just a moment and pressing on the twitching pucker that yearned to be penetrated.

“Briiiiaaaan,” Justin growled looking over his shoulder at his husband, his eyes a wild shade of blue.

Brian leaned over and twisted Justin’s face to meet his lips in a messy kiss. “You want me inside you. Answer me,” he looked into Justin’s eyes and saw them lighten with love.

“I want you inside me now,” Justin told him, his voice soft. He moved his head back to the pillow and pushed his ass back against Brian’s cock. “Fuck me.”

Brian started to move away to get the lube but Justin reached behind them and grasped his thigh. “Don’t need it. I’m still wet from last night and earlier this morning.”

Brian paused and trailed kisses from in between Justin’s shoulders, up to his neck and around to his ear. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You never will again,” Justin turned his head to the side and looked over at his husband. His eyes were firm. “Now put yourself inside me, Brian.”

Brian dropped his face into Justin’s hair and took a deep breath as he positioned the head of his penis at Justin’s entry. He moved it around, feeling the folds’ texture against him, bringing forth more juices from his slit and smearing it into and around his husband’s pink entry. “I love you,” Brian told him, pushing the head just inside the first muscle of tight ring.

“Oh, please, Brian,” Justin moaned. He felt the stretch but he could also still feel cum Brian had erupted inside of him a little while ago lubing the way. He shivered in anticipation when his lover’s cock moved a little, stretching out his rim. “I love you,” he heard his husband whisper to him, clamping his mouth down onto and biting his shoulder. He’d lost count of the times Brian had told him he loved him this morning, his feelings heightened by each loving word and the numerous ways in which Brian meant them.

“Come on, push onto me…” Brian instructed.

Justin pressed his ass back taking more of Brian’s girth and length within him; it felt so good, even if he was a little tender. This was the kind of pleasure/pain he loved receiving from Brian.

Brian now rested his entire body against Justin’s form beneath him except for his ass; it was still raised, waiting for his cock to slide all the way into Justin’s hot insides, his pelvis awaiting the feel of being pressed against the beautiful smooth globes of his husband’s ass. “Take it all, Sunshine.”

Justin pressed back further, his hands finding Brian’s. “I am, Brian. I’m almost there.”

Brian threaded his fingers through Justin’s. “Slide back onto my cock, Justin.” He felt Justin’s ass envelop his dick almost completely. “A little more, you can do it.”

Justin gave one last push back of his hips as he felt Brian’s body pushed toward him. “Oh god, yeah.”

“God, I’m so deep inside you, Justin,” Brian said in a whisper; he rested his head against Justin’s spine, his mouth open against the sweaty skin.

“I know, I feel you stretching me,” Justin moaned. “Now fuck me.”

***

Brian woke up early that morning; the sun had just begun to shine into their room. He was not sure at first if it was Christmas Eve again, but then he became more aware of the weight on his chest and legs. His eyes cracked open and he saw blond hair spread out over his chest. Just to be sure this was real, Brian squirmed a little and felt Justin’s soft penis rub against his naked leg. He smiled to himself and peeked under the covers for a better look.

Justin’s arm was around his stomach and his right leg was wedged in between his own. Justin’s kneecap rested dangerously close to his balls and his foot was crammed under Brian’s left thigh.

Brian didn’t want to wake Justin, but he also wanted to take advantage of the beautiful Christmas, yes, finally Christmas, morning.

He gently extracted himself from where Justin’s body laid upon him and rolled Justin onto his back. He watched as Justin’s mouth opened in a yawn while his right hand moved up to twirl in his messy blond hair. Brian waited to move until it looked like Justin was going back to sleep.

When it looked like his lover was still in a dream state, Brian moved Justin’s pale thighs apart, and got in between his legs. The light that flickered in the windows revealed a few of the spots of his cum he hadn’t cleaned from Justin. He was sure he’d still be able to taste himself if he put his tongue inside the younger man’s hole.

He moved both of Justin’s legs carefully, slowly draping them onto his shoulders, his hands held and spread Justin’s cheeks and his mouth watered as the scent of his lover’s sex encompassed him.

At first, Justin thought he was having a dream; he squeezed his eyes shut tightly and moaned. He tried to squirm and move his legs but his senses started returning from sleep and he felt his thigh brush against soft hair. The next thing he felt was a cool and then warm sensation of lapping on his hole. He moaned again, this time aware of what and who exactly was causing the sensation. “Brian?”

Brian took his mouth off Justin’s pucker and looked up from between Justin’s legs. Justin’s dick was stiff against his belly; his chest was flushed and sweaty. Sleepy blue eyes looked at him in surprise.

“What are you doing?” Justin asked, feeling one of Brian’s thumbs push its way into his wet hole.

Brian smirked. “I think that should be obvious.”

Justin smiled. “What time is it?”

Brian looked over at the clock. “Just after six. We don’t have to get up yet.”

“In case you haven’t noticed,” Justin reached down and stroked his cock. “I’m already up.”

Brian smiled. “I’m going to fuck you back to sleep. But first I want some more of my Christmas present.”

Justin laughed for a moment, but it was turned into a moan as he felt Brian’s tongue join the thumb inside of him. He stroked himself slowly but soon had to stop; he didn’t want to come that way. He wanted Brian inside of him. He moved his legs and wrapped them around Brian’s moving head, pressing his lover’s face into his ass more as he leaned up on his elbows.

Brian peeked out from Justin’s warmth and smiled against the man’s balls. “Fuck me,” he heard his husband demand. “Now.” Who was he to deny Justin anything?

***

“Brian, can you at least wear the green flannel pajama pants?” Justin asked, slipping a big red sweater over his head.

Brian stood, wearing only a long-sleeve dark green t-shirt that read, I Love Dada on it. The children had silk-screened it with Justin for his Father’s Day present last year. Pictures of Zaira and Reaghan were in the center. He dug through his dresser drawer to see if he could find anything that looked “Christmassy”, as Justin called it. “First,” Brian turned toward Justin. “I wouldn’t be caught dead in flannel. Not to mention that color of green doesn’t match the color in my shirt… at….all.”

“Hey,” Justin protested, pulling on his red flannel pants.

Brian laughed. “We all know you don’t have any fashion sense, Justin. By the way, I mean no offense.”

Justin faked an angry expression and threw Brian’s green silk bottoms at the man’s head. “Wear those then.”

Brian looked at him appalled. He threw them back, hitting Justin in the face. “I would have worn the whole thing if you hadn’t made me nearly come in them.”

Justin smelled the crotch and laughed before he threw them near the hamper in the corner. “You can wear flannel for one day.”

Brian again looked at his lover and smirked. “You really do want me to be a lesbian, don’t you?” He put his hands on his hips and shook his head.

Justin looked at Brian, taking in the way the man was half-dressed. The t-shirt covered only to the top of his groin, his dark pubic bush and half-erect cock bobbed as he talked. The back of the shirt rested against Brian’s tight-perfectly formed ass and somehow it all gave definition to his long sculpted legs.

Brian burst out laughing. “Would you stop looking at me like you are going to eat me? The kids are waiting on us.”

Justin opened his mouth to protest, and when Brian smiled at him, he felt himself itching to sketch the way Brian looked in that moment. He could not speak.

“You can draw me later,” Brian told him, seeing the look in Justin’s eyes change in the ranges of passion they held within them.

“Stay. Right. There,” Justin told him moving over to his dresser and grabbing the digital camera from the charger.

“No way!” Brian protested, but didn’t move. “Isn’t it enough that you’re going to get pictures of me in this shirt?”

Justin giggled. “I thought you liked that shirt?”

Brian still didn’t move. Giving up, he stood still as Justin snapped picture after picture.

“Please look at me and smile again,” Justin asked sweetly.

Brian couldn’t help but comply with the request. After Justin shot a few more pictures, one where he got down on his knees and pointed the camera up toward him, Brian put a stop to it and pulled Justin up to him. He wrapped his arms around him and kissed him soundly. “You’d better go download those to the computer in your studio. You wouldn’t want them getting mixed in with the other ones.”

Justin smiled. “I’ll just put in a new disk. I bought a brand new one that can hold twice as many as this one does.” Justin pecked Brian’s cheek and went over to his dresser to switch disks.

Brian went back to his drawers and rummaged through them. “Ah hah. I knew they were in here.”

Justin looked over as Brian flung out a pair of hunter green Calvin Klein sweatpants. Justin walked over to Brian, he could not help the fact that he had suddenly gotten so hard. “I want to be in you tonight,” Justin said, his voice husky, as he rose up on his tiptoes and spoke into Brian’s ear.

Brian pushed his ass back against Justin. “You do, huh?”

“Yesss…” Justin kissed Brian’s ear and slapped his ass, backing away. “Now cover that thing before I do you right here, right now, and make you tell the kids a good excuse as to why they had to wait until noon to open their gifts.”

Brian purposely stuck his ass out further and wiggled it as he started to pull his sweatpants on.

Justin groaned and stuck his thumb in his mouth and bit the pad of his finger. “You are such an…”

“Dada,” Reaghan’s head popped into their doorway.

Brian quickly pulled his pants up the last inch. “What’s up, buddy/”

Reaghan looked back and forth between his fathers. “Is it time to open pwesents?”

Justin looked at his son and stifled a laugh; the boy was batting his long eyelashes and giving them a look that was pure ‘innocent’ Brian. “You know,” Justin said, turning toward Brian. “I’ve seen your baby pictures, Brian, and let me tell you, he is also your son. “

Brian pushed Justin playfully on the shoulder and bent down to pick up his son. “Where is your sister?”

“She sent me,” Reaghan told them.

“Well, Dada and I are ready. So you go tell your sneaky little sister to listen for us to call you down,” Justin told his son, kissing his cheek and reaching out to lift him from Brian’s arms.

Brian was about to pass his son to Justin, but paused. “Give Dada a kiss, heavy boy.”

Justin shook his head at Brian. “Give him here, Brian. He’s not too heavy yet.” Justin took his son into his arms and held him tight, peppering kisses on his chubby face.

“Daddy,” Reaghan squirmed from the attention.

Brian and Justin laughed at their son as Justin walked him over to the hall and set him down. “Go on, little nobleman, we’ll be ready soon.”

“Okay, Daddy.” Reaghan gave his father a quick hug around his knees and ran down the hall. “It’s almost time, Zawa!” He shouted all the way to the playroom.

Brian came up behind Justin and wrapped his arms around him. “You ready for Christmas, Daddy?”

Justin turned around and embraced his husband, rubbing his face against the man’s chest. He was definitely ready for more Christmas magic.

Brian spoke quietly, “I am so glad you’re here.”

Justin looked up at Brian, an expression of confusion on his face. “It’s where I belong.”

Brian felt himself getting emotional, his voice cracked as he spoke, “Me too.”

“I love you, Brian,” Justin said, looking into Brian’s eyes. “I’m so glad you’re here too.”

“There’s no place I’d rather be,” Brian bent down and gave Justin a toe-curling kiss that left them both breathless when they broke apart. “Come on now, let’s go show the kids the best Christmas they’ve ever had.”

“Wait, Brian.” Justin pulled Brian’s hand back. “After we open the presents, would you mind if we told the kids about the babies?”

“I think that’s a great idea. I know they’ll be very happy.”

“You don’t think Reaghan is going to be sad he won’t be the baby anymore?” Justin voiced his concerns.

“I think he’ll be very happy,” Brian told him. “I really do. I know I am.”

Justin gave Brian one of the brightest smiles his husband could ever remember seeing.

***

“Do you like everything you got?” Justin asked Zaira.

“I do, Daddy. I love my stuffed Froggy the best! It’s the one I asked Santa for, and it sings the leap frog song.”

“And what about you, Reaghan?” Brian asked his son.

“I like my gumball masine!” Reaghan said. “I’m big now so I can have gum.”

“You have to ask first,” Brian reminded his son. “We promised you could chew gum but it’s a big responsibility. You don’t want to get it on your clothes, or anything else.”

“I won’t,” Reaghan promised.

“Good boy,” Brian praised.

“Later on I’m gonna take some pictures of you guys in the studio with your favorite presents,” Justin told the kids. “Just like we did this year for your birthday. Would you like that?”

“Oh yes, Daddy,” Zaira said. She and Reaghan always loved the time they spent with their fathers in the portrait area of the studio.

“Okay. But Daddy...?” Reaghan said hesitantly.

“Yeah, buddy?”

“Santa didn’t listen to me,” he pouted. “I didn’t get my favewit.”

Justin went over and sat Indian style next to his son. “What do you mean?”

“He didn’t listen,” Reaghan said again. “I’ll ask next yeaw.”

Brian went and sat down beside him. “Well I have one more present to give out.”

“You do, Dada?” Reaghan asked. He hoped that it was what he wanted.

“Yup,” Brian lifted up the sofa cushion behind him and pulled out a large manila envelope. “It’s for everyone but I want Dada to open it.”

Zaira crawled over, holding her new frog in her arms. “I like it,” she said trying to be kind.

Brian laughed. “You don’t even know what it is yet.”

Justin blushed as he took the manila envelope. “Thank you, Brian. But I thought we agreed not to get each other gifts at Christmas… to save that for vacations.”

Brian smirked. “Open the envelope, Sunshine.” He leaned in and kissed Justin’s temple, then sat back and watched as Justin pulled the pamphlets out from inside the folder.

“Jesus, Brian!” Justin gasped, flipping open the first pamphlet.

“What is it, Daddy?” Reaghan asked.

“Yeah, what is it?” Zaira said, bouncing on her knees and looking over the papers her father was opening.

***

“We’re taking a month long vacation,” Brian told them, excited along with the kids that were cheering.

Justin stared dumbfounded. “A month?”

“I already cleared it with Zaira’s school. She’s only going to be missing five days,” Brian told him. “Her principal assured me that it is no longer than what any other kids may take for a vacation any other time of the year.”

“Yes!” Zaira yelled and gave her brother a high-five.

Justin laughed. “I just… I can’t believe this, Brian. You rented us a fucking mansion!” He quickly put his hand over his mouth. Luckily the children were too excited to notice his slip of tongue.

Brian laughed. “It’s just a cabin. Do you like the place?” Brian asked. “I know we’ll go to your mom’s for the warm weather but I thought it’d be nice to take the trip and go skiing.”

“It’s wonderful, Brian,” Justin’s face clouded over with sadness. “I don’t suppose I’ll be skiing the way we did the first time we went to Vermont.”

Brian felt his cheeks get hot as he realized what Justin was saying. “Oh no… I didn’t know when I made the reservations. I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking, Justin!”

“Well, I’ll talk to my doctor before we go. Maybe I can just stick to the flat land,” Justin said. “Besides, I’m sure there will be plenty of other activities there to keep us busy.”

“What is skeen, Daddy?” Reaghan asked.

“You put your feets on boards in the snow,” Zaira told him, all knowingly.

“Not exactly, babe,” Brian said. “We’ll show you some pictures of me and Daddy later. We used to go before you both were born, every year. I was just waiting until you both were old enough to learn how.”

“Oh! There’s a huge indoor swimming pool!” Justin said excitedly.

“Yup, and you can’t see it in these pictures, but they assured me there is also a water slide,” Brian added.

The kids shrieked hearing that.

“And these rooms! I had no idea the resort had rooms like this,” Justin said in awe flipping to the next page.

“That’s because when we went we were on a budget,” Brian laughed.

“Budget or no budget, this is beyond anything I could have ever dreamed of.” Justin leaned up and kissed Brian’s lips.

“There’s more, look at the next one,” Brian encouraged.

Justin pulled the next pamphlet out and opened it. “Look guys, you can choose one of these rooms.”

“Actually, all of those rooms are in the cabin I rented. I suppose they can spend a night in all of them.”

“Brian! This is crazy!” Justin laughed. It was really sinking in that through everything that had happened Brian had been thinking of them all along. There was no way something like what he was looking at was planned in a day, let alone a month.

“I’ve been booking it since this summer,” Brian told him, reading Justin’s expression. “The plans started the day you and the kids went to your Mom’s.” He moved behind Justin and spread his legs, making Justin lay against him.

“When are we going, Dada?” Reaghan asked.

“We’re going to take a plane up to Vermont on Thursday,” Brian told his son.

“Thursday!” Justin gasped. “That’s only a few days away, we’ll have to pack and get all kinds of things ready first.”

Brian put his arms tighter around Justin. “Don’t worry. We’ll do it and I’ll help with all of it. Now, how about you tell the kids about the surprise?” Brian sat his hands on top of Justin’s stomach.

“What is it, Daddy?” Zaira asked.

“Well… You know how Auntie Melanie is having a baby?” Brian started.

“Oh yes! I can’t wait for my cousin to come!” Zaira told them.

Reaghan nodded his head in agreement.

“Well, I’m going to be having twins,” Justin said.

“Like Mike and Kevin in my class!” Zaira flung herself into her father’s arms.

“What’s that, Dada?” Reaghan asked, giving his sister a curious look at her outburst.

“It’s when instead of someone being pregnant with one baby, there are two,” Brian answered.

Reaghan smiled. “Santa did listen, Daddy!”

“He did?” Justin asked, confused.

“I wanted a baby bwotha and sista,” he explained.

“Told you he’d be just fine,” Brian whispered into Justin’s ear.

Justin held his children close to him, and Brian wrapped his long arms around all of them. Neither one could think of a time they’d ever been any happier.

***

“When is Gwamma coming?” Reaghan asked, looking out the library window.

Justin closed the Christmas book. “If you aren’t going to sit with me on the couch, I’m not going to read.”

Reaghan turned toward him and pouted. “Why can’t I go outside again?”

Justin got up off the couch. “We were out there for hours, buddy. You already have the sniffles. You do not want to be sick when we go to Vermont, and there you will get to play outside all the time. If you don’t want to read with me you can go help Dada and Zaira wash the dishes.”

“I don’t wanna. I want to go outside now!” Reaghan put his hands on his hips and stomped his feet while glaring at Justin.

Justin knelt down so he was level with his son’s eyes. “Is that any way to talk to me on Christmas?”

Reaghan looked away. “You stupid,” he mumbled.

Justin turned his son to look at him. “Excuse me?”

Reaghan lifted his head and glared at Justin. “You stupid.”

“Reaghan Brian Taylor-Kinney, you know better than to call people, especially me names.” Justin raised his voice, more in surprise than anger. He never thought his son would be so rude to him after having what Justin thought was a good Christmas Day.

“Meanie!” Reaghan yelled at the top of his lungs, putting his face inches from his father’s. “You neva let me do nothing!”

“Reaghan, you just opened all your Christmas presents, had a special lunch that was mostly cookies and you went outside and built a snowman with Zaira. I think that is a lot to do in one day,” Justin reasoned, trying to remain calm.

“I want to go outside now!” Reaghan yelled. This time he leaned forward and pushed at Justin’s shoulders.

Justin reacted quickly and brought the boy into his arms. “You do not push, Reaghan! You are going in the naughty chair.”

Reaghan wiggled in his father’s arms…”No! I don’t want too!”

Justin struggled to stand up. “Stop this, Reaghan.”

“I hate you, Daddy!” Reaghan yelled, punching his little fists into Justin’s shoulders and doing his best to wiggle out of the man’s grip.

“Reaghan, you’re hurting me. Stop,” Justin pleaded. He hated the tantrums his son had.

“No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone!” the little blond cried, kicking out, trying to dislodge himself.

Justin was getting teary from the physical pain his son caused him and from the emotional pain. He gathered all of his strength as he carried the dangling boy, trying, in Reaghan’s best interest, not to drop him on the hardwood floor of the hall. “Reaghan, stop,” Justin yelled, struggling to make his way across to the other end of the foyer to the naughty chair.

“I hate you! Leave me alone, Daddy!” Reaghan, at this point, had hot little tears streaming down his face as he continued to fight his punishment.

“What the fuck is going on?” Brian roared.

Justin barely had time to acknowledge his husband, who in the blink of an eye was in front of him, taking the squirming bawling child into his arms. “What are you doing to Daddy?” Brian demanded.

Reaghan buried his face into his father’s shoulder. “Daddy’s mean!” he wept.

Brian walked over to the chair and peeled his son off him. “Sit down.”

Reaghan wailed and stomped his feet on the floor. “No! No! No!” Reaghan tried to get up but Brian placed him back in the chair.

“If you move again I will take all of your Christmas presents away.”

Reaghan stilled, wiped his nose with his shirt, and hiccupped as he tried to stop crying. “Okay.”

Brian turned toward Justin and walked over to him, taking the man in his arms. “Are you all right?”

Justin wiped the tears from his eyes and collapsed into Brian’s embrace. “I think I’m okay.”

Brian rubbed his hands up and down the length of his back. “I want you to go sit back down in the library and relax. I’m going to have a chat with the little man.”

“Okay.” Justin slowly made his way into the library.

Brian walked over and then squatted down in front of Reaghan. “You have got some explaining to do.”

“Dada, no!” Reaghan whined.

Brian took his son’s hands in his own. “Look at me, Reaghan.”

“What?” Reaghan pouted, staring up at his father with glassy dark hazel eyes.

“I don’t even know what that was about and I don’t really care. All I know is that you are to promise me RIGHT NOW that you will never yell at Daddy or hit him like you just did.”

“But he...”

“Reaghan!” Brian took a deep breath and let it out slowly; he was on fire with the anger he felt toward his son, but he also was angry at himself. He knew he was partly to blame. “I heard the way you were yelling at Daddy. You have no reason to do that. NONE. NOT EVER. Do you understand me?”

“He was being mean!” Reaghan said.

Brian rolled his eyes. “How exactly was Daddy being mean to you? I can’t even imagine that he would ever do such a thing. He has been wonderful to you and your sister today. And I don’t just mean the presents.”

“Hmpf,” Reaghan looked down at his and his father’s hands.

“He played picture studio with you. He helped you decorate your Christmas cookies. He even helped you and Zaira build not only a snowman but a snow fort too. And I know Daddy was in there reading you Christmas stories. So tell me, sonny-boy, how was Daddy being mean to you?” Brian paused and waited.

“I wanted to go play outside!” Reaghan whined.

“It’s nearly dark out,” Brian said. “And you were out there for almost three hours. We told you when you came in that we were done outside for the day. It was getting too cold and it was time to clean up and relax before Grandma Jen came for dinner. I also told you that you could go outside tomorrow to play, which isn’t going to happen now.”

Reaghan pulled his hands away from Brian’s and crossed his arms over his chest. “Okay.”

“Well, that is what you should have told Daddy when he told you no. But I am not done talking to you, Reaghan. You have made your Daddy and me very sad with the way you treated him, and I know this isn’t the first time. But this is going to be the last. You got me?”

“Yes,” Reaghan whimpered.

“You hurt Daddy, Reaghan. You hurt his feelings with words that should have never come out of your mouth, but you also were punching and kicking him and that hurt his body.”

“I’m sowwy,” Reaghan wiped at his tears.

“You’re going to apologize to Daddy, but first you need to understand something. You should never hit anyone, especially Daddy or your sister, but you have to be careful with Daddy now. Even how you play with Daddy, okay?”

“Why?” Reaghan asked.

“Because those babies in Daddy’s belly could get hurt if Daddy gets hurt. You have to be very gentle with him, and very nice. Got me?”

Reaghan nodded. “Got you.”

“Okay, I want you to sit here for three minutes and think about what I said. I’ll let you know when the time is up and then you are going to do what?”

“Tell Daddy I’m sowwy and give him hugs and kisses, gentle hugs,” Reaghan promised.

“Good boy,” Brian smiled and went to go check on Justin.

When he got to the library, he found Justin curled up, facing toward the couch. Brian could tell that his husband was crying. He kneeled beside the couch and cautiously touched his shoulder. “You hurt, Sunshine?”

Justin did not answer for a moment but then shook his head. “That’s the first time he told me he hated me.”

“He doesn’t hate you, Justin,” Brian told him, getting up and taking Justin into his arms. “I talked to him and he definitely knows that he isn’t to treat you like that ever again. I’ll make sure of it, Justin, I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Brian,” Justin sniffled.

“Well, I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to make sure that he doesn’t act like that again,” Brian amended.

Justin looked up at Brian. “Well then, you’ll have to never leave us alone because he throws tantrums like that whenever it’s just me and him.”

Brian couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

Justin sat up further, removed himself from Brian’s arms and stood up, turning away from his husband. He walked over to the window and stared out at the dusky sky, much like his son had been doing only a few minutes before. “I did. You never listened.”

Brian felt like he’d been slapped, but he knew it was true. He felt tears form in his eyes as he got up and walked over behind Justin. “I’m listening now,” Brian told him. “Please, just tell me.”

Justin turned around and faced Brian. “This is usually how it is almost every time you wouldn’t show up for one thing or another. Sometimes they’d be fine, but other times Reaghan would ask where you were and he’d get so frustrated because he didn’t understand the excuses. The sad thing is, Zaira did, usually. She’d get upset sometimes but usually it was Reaghan. The reason you didn’t notice before is because when you are around he eats your attention up and barely has anything to do with me.”

“God, Justin,” Brian whispered and pulled Justin into his arms.

Justin placed his head on Brian’s chest. “You’ve got a lot of damage to undo, Brian.”

Brian squeezed Justin tighter and ran his fingers through his blond hair. “I know.”

“Dada! Daddy!” Reaghan’s voice yelled from the hall.

Brian sighed and looked at his watch. “It’s been over five minutes. I’m gonna go get him and have him come apologize.”

“It’s okay. I’ll go get him,” Justin said. “Maybe you should go make sure that Zaira hasn’t filled the kitchen floor with bubbles.”

“I’m sure she’s fine,” Brian said, opening the library door.

Justin raised his eyebrow at his husband.

“What? You’re serious?” Brian said, alarmed.

Justin laughed. “She likes bubbles; I found that out last week.”

“Shit,” Brian kissed Justin’s lips quickly and nearly ran down the hall to the kitchen. He let out a deep breath when he saw that Zaira was there, perfectly fine, drying the last plate and putting it away in the cabinet.

***

Justin walked over to Reaghan. His son was looking up at him nervously, his blond bangs hanging in his dark eyes. “Dada told me that you’ve got something to say to me,” Justin said, kneeling down in front of him.

Reaghan brushed his hair from his face with the back of his hand and nodded his head. “I’m sorry, Daddy. I not talk mean or hit again.”

“You hurt my feelings,” Justin told him.

“I don’t wanna hurt you or the babies,” Reaghan said. “You okay, Daddy?”

Justin nodded. “I’m okay now. Come give me a hug.”

Reaghan shook his head. “I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I can’t get up until you say,” he reminded Justin.

Justin smiled. “You can get up.”

Reaghan went straight into his father’s arms and hugged him. “Love you, Daddy.”

“I love you too, Reaghan.” Justin pulled the boy away from him when he felt the tickling feeling in his belly and he started to laugh.

“I funny,” Reaghan said.

Justin smirked. “Yes, you are. But I’m laughing because the babies are tickling me inside.”

Reaghan put his hand on Justin’s belly. “The babies are laughing?”

Justin ruffled his son’s hair. “Yeah, they’re laughing and moving around. But they are very tiny. That’s why you have to be careful with me. Just like you are with Aunt Melanie, okay?”

Reaghan laughed. “Babies in there.” He leaned into Justin’s chest, patting his father’s belly.

“Yeah,” Justin smiled, hugging his son. “There are babies in there growing.”

Reaghan looked up at Justin. “I want to play with them.”

Justin laughed. “You will, but even after they are born it will be a little while before you can. We’ll have to read some of the books I got to read your sister when I had you in my belly. They tell you all about what it’s like to be a big brother or sister.”

Reaghan smiled. “I’ll take good care of them. Did Santa tell you I wanted them?”

“I’m sure you will be a good big brother,” Justin kissed Reaghan’s cheek. “But no, Santa didn’t tell me. It was a surprise to me too.”

“I like supises,” Reaghan laughed. “I only wanted one, but I got two!”

Justin laughed with his son. “I love you, Reaghan.”

“Love you, Daddy, and the babies too,” the boy hugged his father again.

Justin heard a car pulling up and saw lights coming in the windows from outside. “I bet that’s Grandma.”

Reaghan jumped out of the embrace and danced around, running toward the door. Justin got up and followed him. Justin opened the door and waited for his mother to make it up to the house. Brian and Zaira came out of the kitchen and joined the two blonds in the foyer.

“Guys, Daddy and Dada want to tell Grandma about the babies okay?” Justin whispered as his mother got out of her car.

“Can you keep it a secret?” Brian asked.

Both of the kids asked in unison. “Why?”

“Because it’s something very special that Daddy wants to tell his Mommy first, okay?”

“Okay,” Zaira said.

Reaghan looked unconvinced, but realized that he did not want to make his Daddy hurt any more so he agreed to not tell too.

Once Jennifer made it inside the door, the next twenty minutes were a rush of excitement while the kids showed and told their grandmother about the entire morning.

Once the immediate excitement wore off, the family went into the dining room to eat. Justin had thawed a frozen stew he had made and it had been simmering in the crock pot all afternoon. It was his and Brian’s favorite meal and he was grateful to be able to share it with his family.

Throughout dinner they talked more about their Christmas mornings. Jennifer had driven up to Philadelphia to spend Christmas morning with Justin’s sister Molly, her husband Frank and their 2-year-old son, Kyle.

Frank was in the Air Force and for the last six years they had been living in Germany and had just come home to the States a month prior. Justin had taken the kids up to visit them a couple of weeks ago and had a wonderful time. He hadn’t even asked Brian to go, which had worried both Molly and Jennifer when they realized the man had missed both family trips that year.

“Why couldn’t Grandpa Tuck come see us?” Reaghan asked, though he’d also asked Jennifer the day before.

Justin and Brian both held in their snickers. It was funny hearing their children call a man Grandpa that was only a few years older than Justin and a few younger than Brian.

“He wanted to spend time with his sister this year. She had a brand new baby a few days ago,” Jennifer told him.

Reaghan snickered and looked over at Justin, making the older blond roll his eyes. He could just see the excitement in his son. He knew it was time to tell his mother.

“You should just see the tiny little girl,” Jennifer gushed. “I didn’t realize how much I missed having a little baby to hold. It seems so long since Kyle, Reaghan and Zaira were that little.”

Brian put down his spoon and took Justin’s hand in his own, sensing it was time to reveal their news. “Jennifer, Justin and I have something to tell you.”

At first, Justin noticed that his mother looked very worried at him, but after a moment of staring at his smiling face, her eyes lightened.

“Please tell me you aren’t moving out of the country,” she begged.

Justin and Brian laughed. “No,” they said in unison.

“Then what is it? You seem so serious.” Jennifer looked back and forth and then looked at the kids who seemed to be clued in on what her sons were going to share with her.

“I’m pregnant,” Justin told her.

It was a complete shock and absolutely the last thing she’d expected to hear, after sensing that there were some problems going on between Justin and Brian. She’d even had the thought that they would tell her they were divorcing, but had banished that thought from her mind because of how happy they both seemed. “Oh honey… I…” Jennifer was rightfully speechless.

“We’re going to have twins,” Brian added.

Jennifer’s blue eyes widened. “TWINS? I’m going to be a grandma again twice over!”

“An I’m gonna be a big bwotha!” Reaghan told his grandma.

“And I’m going to be a big sister again!” Zaira added excitedly, giving her grandma a hug.

Jennifer was cautious, wondering if this was best for Justin and his family. She would have to speak to him in private later, but for now she just reveled in the looks of happiness on their faces. “That’s wonderful, guys. I’m very happy for you,” she said softly, hoping it was truly something to be overjoyed about. She rose from her chair and hugged Justin and Brian. “Twins are going to be crazy,” she whispered.

***

“Can I get you some tea, mom?” Justin asked as he cleaned up the last of the dinner dishes.

“No, I’m fine,” Jennifer said. “Why don’t we go sit down in the library and talk?”

“Okay, just let me finish up.” Justin wiped off the counters and then turned out the kitchen light before walking with his mother down the hall. Justin could tell that his mother’s intuition had been pinging. He paused by the stairs and put his hand on her arm. “Let me just run upstairs and make sure Brian knows what jammies to put the kids in tonight.”

Jennifer put her hand on Justin’s arm, stopping him. “I’m sure Brian can manage on his own, Justin,” she said.

“I know he can. But he’s already giving the kids their second bath of the day. I want them to wear their special jammies, the ones that they got for Christmas,” Justin explained. “I got Zaira these cute purple ones that have little sheep and snowflakes on them and for Reaghan I found these blue footy pajamas and the feet are little snowman heads.”

Jennifer smiled at her son’s exuberance. “I know, you told me about them yesterday. Now, did Brian see them open them? Did you tell him that you wanted them to wear those tonight?”

“Well yeah, but...” Justin paused and let out a deep sigh. “I just need to make sure because if I ask them to get into other pajamas it’ll be more work for me.”

“You have to let him do things, Justin,” his mother told him, knowing what a control freak Justin could be at times. “I was happy to have your father put you in pajamas at all. Sometimes it’d be a shirt that didn’t match the pants, but you didn’t mind, and in the long run, I didn’t either. I was glad that I didn’t have to do it.”

“I get what you’re saying,” Justin sighed and led his mother into the library. “It’s just that Brian forgets a lot of the stuff I tell him.” He plopped down on the couch and yawned.

Jennifer sat beside him. “Are you guys okay?”

Justin didn’t want to tell his mother the details of his marriage so he settled with saying, “We’re going to be.”

“If you and Brian are having problems do you really think it’s a good time to bring a baby into the world… let alone two?” She put her hand out to hold Justin’s but Justin pulled away.

“What are you saying, Mom?” Justin asked, terrified.

“Oh, honey, I didn’t mean for that to come out the way it sounded. It’s just that I know that having a baby doesn’t fix a marriage; it certainly didn’t when I had Molly, and I hate to say it, but I thought it would. It did for a while, but your father…”

“Is nothing like Brian,” Justin told his mother. “Whatever problems Brian and I were having are going to be solved. Things weren’t okay, but they are going to be. I know Brian and he loves me, mom. He even told me….” Justin trailed off, not sure if he should share what he was about to say with his mother.

“What, honey?” Jennifer prodded.

“He told me that even though we only talked about having four children, he’d still like to try for another in the future because he wants to carry my baby too. These babies weren’t planned, mom; they were a surprise and a damn good one, because they did fix a lot already. They gave Brian and me a new perspective, and though it’s going to take some work, we’re going to be all right.”

“I only want what’s best for you and the kids, Justin,” Jennifer said; this time Justin let her hold his hand. “I am glad though that it seems Brian has been very attentive to you from what I’ve seen. Now, tell me all about your pregnancy. I want to hear every detail.”

Justin laughed. “Even the parts about how I puke every other morning at 5:30 on the dot?”

Jennifer smiled and nodded her head. “Even that,” she laughed. “Of course, you know you caused me to do the same thing when I was pregnant with you, so it is only fair.”

***

Justin closed the front door behind his mother. He let out a long sigh and felt Brian wrap his arms around him.

“It was nice of your mom to stay until the kids went to sleep,” Brian said, nuzzling his face into Justin’s warm neck.

Justin turned around in Brian’s arms and put his head on his chest. “The kids loved it. She always tells the best bedtime stories.”

“So that’s where you get it from,” Brian said softly.

“Well, it certainly wasn’t from my dad. He usually wasn’t even home before my and Molly’s bedtime,” Justin told him quietly.

Both men were lost in their own thoughts as they clung together, wrapped in one another’s arms, standing in the middle of the dark foyer.

“I’m going to miss her,” Justin said, breaking the silence and lifting his head up to look at his husband. “I wish she wouldn’t go off traveling with Tucker again.”

“I know,” Brian, agreed. “But we can’t be so selfish. Besides, they’re going to come stay with us a month after we get back from Vermont.”

Justin sniffled. “I know I’m just being silly.”

“You’re not being silly, Justin. I’ll miss her too,” Brian said honestly.

Justin smiled. “I love you, Brian.”

Brian leaned his head down and pressed his lips to Justin’s, giving his husband a soft kiss before pulling back. “Are you tired?”

Justin smirked and shook his head. “Not at all.” He ground his groin up against Brian’s and brought his husband down for another kiss.

Brian broke away, panting for breath. “We should go check on the kids and get upstairs before we get carried away.”

“I’ve got a better idea,” Justin told him.

“What’s that?”

“How about we go check on the kids make sure they’re asleep and then come back down here.”

Brian rose one eyebrow. “You want to have sex in the foyer?”

Justin laughed. “It’s not like we haven’t before…but no. I want make love to you under the Christmas tree in front of the fireplace.” Justin moved his hands slowly from Brian’s back and slid them inside Brian’s sweatpants.

Brian groaned as he felt Justin’s fingertips trace the crack of his ass. “I love your idea, but do you think we could take a shower first?”

Justin smirked. “Are you dirty?”

Brian nodded and put his mouth by Justin’s ear. “I’m dirty. But I’m also a little tired and could use a refreshing shower. Maybe you can help me clean those hard to reach places?”

Justin gulped. “I think that can be arranged.”

***

“She’s going to wake up,” Justin whispered.

Brian shook his head and aimed the camera; the light flickered on the camera, not disturbing Zaira in the least. He took another shot and then leaned in to kiss her soft cheek. Brian stepped down and waited as Justin kissed their little girl goodnight.

“Merry Christmas, Zaira,” Justin whispered and then climbed down off the carriage’s ladder.

Brian showed Justin the picture he’d taken on the camera’s screen as they walked out. “She looks like you when she’s sleeping.”

“I was thinking she looked like you,” Justin said as they walked toward Reaghan’s room.

“They’re a perfect blend of both of us,” Brian told him. “Though I’m sure Zaira is going to regret getting my nose when she’s older.”

Justin laughed. “What’s wrong with your nose? I love your nose.”

“It’s pointy,” Brian told him.

Justin took Brian’s hand and stopped him from entering Reaghan’s room. “Is that why you insisted she didn’t have your nose the day she was born?”

“Well, I was hoping she’d have as little Kinney in her as possible,” Brian admitted. “We aren’t all that pretty. Don’t tell me you actually don’t see that I have a big pointy nose.”

“What?” Justin said dumbfounded. “You are fucking gorgeous and I love the shape of your nose!” Justin said. “You’re the most arrogant man I’ve ever known. How did I, in all the years of knowing you, not know that you had a hang-up about your nose?”

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “You know I think our daughter is the most beautiful little girl in the world. I just know that Claire got my mom’s nose too and well…she and I always got teased in school because of it. You’ve seen my pictures.”

Justin gave Brian a tight hug. “I have and I would never say that you had a big nose. I love you, Brian. You’re nuts, but I love you.” It was very surprising to hear Brian ever admit to being self-conscious about his looks. “I also love being able to look at my children’s faces and see you in them. So don’t ever wish that they didn’t have Kinney in them.”

Justin pulled back away from Brian. “Now, let’s go check on our son who I am very grateful has your eyes.”

Brian felt himself blushing as Justin took his hand and led him into Reaghan’s room. “He kicked his covers off.”

“That’s why I make him wear thick pajamas. At least I know he’ll be a little warmer,” Justin told Brian, watching as his husband arranged the sheets and quilt back onto the bed.

Brian re-covered his son with the quilt and started to turn off the nightlight by the bed when Justin stopped him.

“He needs it on if he has to get up and use the bathroom,” Justin reminded him.

Brian leaned down and kissed Reaghan’s soft cheek. “Good night, little boy.”

Justin stepped beside Brian and leaned in to take a picture of his son before kissing his cheek and whispering. “Merry Christmas, Reaghan.”

***

Brian locked the double doors that enclosed the family room and turned to see Justin on the ground and making a pallet on the floor in front of the fireplace. The entire room was dark except for the glow of the tree lights and the fire. The lights danced along Justin’s face and Brian could not wait to see how beautiful he’d look as they shimmered upon his naked skin. “Need help?”

Justin looked up at Brian and had to catch his breath. “No, I’m ready for you.”

Brian took a deep breath and loosened the belt on his robe. He looked into Justin’s lusty eyes as he removed it and placed it on the chair. He stood above Justin, allowing the younger man to look up at him and commit him to memory to paint or sketch at another time, as it seemed Justin was always doing when he looked at him with the hungry intent stare he felt to the very core of his being.

Justin crawled toward Brian and then raised himself up on his knees, grazing his hands up the long tanned legs before him. “Come down here.”

Brian slowly dropped down to his knees, his cock started to fill as Justin’s hands moved to his thighs and around to his belly.

“Get me naked,” Justin quietly commanded.

Brian unhooked the belt on Justin’s robe and slowly slid it off his husband. He leaned forward and started to pepper light kisses along his collarbone and then trailed them down along Justin’s shoulder.

Justin felt himself quiver at Brian’s caressing kisses; his cock was rock hard and he knew that he was not going to be able to last long if Brian kept touching him. “Sit back,” Justin whispered.

Brian arranged himself on the pillows and blankets and looked at Justin for his next instruction. He loved when Justin was in complete control. It allowed Brian to lose himself entirely to his husband, in a way that topping Justin at times did not allow for.

Justin kneeled beside Brian and ran one of his hands up and down Brian’s chest, then down to his flat stomach. He wondered what it would be like to watch it swell and grow with his child inside. He was taken out of his thoughts when he heard Brian whisper his name in a begging tone. “Are you ready?”

Brian wiggled. “Yes.” His cock was now completely erect and seemed to be reaching toward Justin’s fingertips that for the last few minutes had been teasingly close to touching him.

“Spread your legs for me, Brian,” Justin said. He watched as Brian did and then crawled in between them. “What do you want?”

Brian closed his eyes and gulped in a deep breath before focusing them on Justin again. “I… I want you.”

Justin nodded and leaned forward, draping himself over Brian and leaning down to kiss at the side of Brian’s jaw and then up to his ear. “Where do you want me?”

Brian wrapped his legs around Justin’s waist and his hands found Justin’s head, pulling his hair and turning his face. His lips brushed against Justin’s as he spoke. “Inside me.”

Justin let out a deep breath and then crushed his lips onto Brian’s open mouth.

For the next couple of minutes, Brian and Justin ground against each other as they passed sloppy passionate kisses to one another. Their hands danced along all the skin they could reach as their cocks leaked their desires onto one another’s skin. Their eyes would open and then close from the overwhelming beauty they saw emanating from each other.

“I’m ready,” Brian panted and reached beside him to grab the lube and hand it to Justin.

Justin reluctantly backed away from Brian and took the lube in his shaking hands. It had been a long time since he’d been inside Brian and he knew that he would need to take it slow, but the way Brian was looking at him, so desperate and needy, was telling him otherwise.

Justin lubed his cock then reached down and slowly inserted his middle finger into Brian’s ass.

“Go on,” Brian told him. “Add another.”

Justin looked at Brian unsure; he’d barely even started to stretch the man out.

“You played with my ass in the shower, Justin,” Brian reminded him.

“Okay,” Justin whispered and pushed his ring finger in beside the other one.

Brian groaned out when he felt Justin crook his fingers and press against his prostate. He looked down and could see that his cock was dripping pre-come constantly. “I’m ready,” he told his husband again.

Justin slowly slid his fingers out and then dropped back down on top of Brian, his hard cock wedged in between the cheeks of Brian’s ass.

They stared at each other, both trying to calm their breaths and to pass words of love through their eyes. Justin brought Brian’s arms up and then twined his fingers with Brian’s above his head. He moved forward and brought his lips down, just as the head of his cock pushed inside Brian’s body.

The rhythm began as they kissed and sucked each other’s tongues, Justin sliding his hips back and then forward hard, stabbing into Brian’s prostate on every thrust.

“Harder,” Brian told him, feeling himself start to shake from the inside.

Justin licked at the tears that cascaded down Brian’s face. He wasn’t even sure if his husband realized he was crying. Knowing this, made the experience that much more intense for Justin as he slid in and out, and doubled his thrusting inside of Brian’s tightness.

“Oh god, Sunshine,” Brian moaned, hugging Justin to him and struggling to keep his legs wrapped around Justin’s moving waist.

Justin waited, and pounded, for as long as he could last. He knew that he was extremely close to coming and wanted to make sure that Brian was too. He started to loosen his grip on Brian’s hand to reach down and stroke him, but Brian only squeezed tighter.

Brian struggled to keep his eyes open. They were blurry from sweat and tears and he felt so overwhelmed feeling his husband so alive and inside of him!

Whatever God, or spirit, that allowed him to have another chance at a life with his husband, the unexplained Groundhog Days of Hell, it was all worth it.

Justin and his children were alive, and now, for the first time in a year Brian truly felt alive once again. His life was complete. His family was going to be all right, and Brian was going to do everything in his power to make sure that Justin and the kids were always his first priority.

He would forever ravish and love Justin, the way that he was being made love to. Brian opened his eyes and saw Justin’s face, the firelight dancing over the sweat that fell down his forehead making his face glisten. He couldn’t hold back any longer.

Justin felt Brian’s ass tighten around him and the other man called out his name as he sent him into his orgasm. Through the tightening and one more thrust Justin fell onto Brian and ground his dick as far into him as he could, as he too began to shake with an intense orgasm.

When Brian could catch his breath, he opened his eyes and saw Justin staring down at him. He gave his lover a wide smile and was happy to see a bright one in return.

They separated their sweaty hands at the same time and started to stroke the other’s face. “I love you. Merry Christmas, Brian,” Justin said. He shifted his weight to press a kiss to Brian’s forehead and felt Brian’s muscles still gripping him inside his body.

Brian twirled a strand of the silky blond hair in his finger and took a deep breath, smelling Justin all around him, feeling him still inside him. “I love you, Justin. Merry Christmas.”

Justin reached out, grabbed the extra blanket and draped it over him and Brian.

Brian pulled Justin’s head down to his chest and stroked his back. He felt disappointed when Justin’s cock finally softened and slipped out of him, but knew it wouldn’t be long before Justin found the energy to fuck him soundly to sleep. For now, he just reveled in the feel of his husband’s breath on his chest and the fingertips that were making invisible patterns on his biceps.

Justin tried, he really did, but he couldn’t help but laugh out loud.

“What?” Brian asked.

Justin rubbed his head back and forth. “Nothing,” he laughed.

“Well, it must be something,” Brian said.

“It’s the babies again,” Justin whispered. “They won’t stop.”

Brian let out a long sigh. “What position?”

Justin looked up and smirked at Brian. “You ready to go again?”

“I’m not sure about my ass,” Brian wiggled around. “But my cock is up for it.”

Justin let out a roar of laughter and quickly got up, holding onto his stomach. “I hope my baby will do this to you. It’s so weird; you’ve got to feel it.” He was happy that once he was upright it had stopped.

Brian sat up and leaned on his elbows. “Where do you want me?”

Justin smiled and pushed Brian down. “Right there. It seems this…” Justin grabbed Brian’s come-covered cock in his hand, “upright position was all I needed.”

Brian raised his eyebrow. “Really? Then… whatever works.”

Justin crawled up toward Brian’s head and moved so that his ass was directly over Brian’s face. “Get me wet.”

Brian didn’t have to be told twice; he eagerly spread Justin’s cheeks and swiped his saliva dripping tongue around and inside Justin’s hole.

Justin only let Brian eat him out for a few seconds before he turned around, placed Brian’s wet, rock hard dick at his entrance, and slowly slid down onto it. He let out a long moan and closed his eyes.

“Justin,” Brian called his lover’s name, making the blue eyes pop open onto his.

“What?” Justin asked, moving his hips around.

Brian took Justin hand. “I just… I wanted to tell you that I love you.”

Justin smiled. “I know you do.”

Brian let out a sigh of relief at Justin’s statement, and then another kind of sigh passed his lips as he felt Justin tighten his ass around his cock.

The End