(c) TAGSIT 2013

The Making of Brian Kinney - A Weird Science Project!

By: Tagsit

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"No fucking way! He's so totally NOT gay, Daph!" Justin insisted as his friend proposed the tenth classmate of theirs' that she thought her buddy might like.

"Well then, who DO you like, Justin? I mean there's only so many guys at St. James' Academy. The possibilities are a bit limited," Daphne admitted, trying to come up with someone her friend could see himself with in spite of the ultra-conservative environment they were submerged in on a daily basis.

It was Halloween night. Justin and Daphne were alone together at Daphne's house - her parents were out at a party and the two teens had absconded with all the candy they were supposed to be handing out to the neighborhood brats, turned off all the lights in the house except for an eerie black light they'd installed in Daph's room and were busy getting stoned and drunk while they discussed poor Justin's predicament. It was the ONLY way to spend Halloween night when you were seventeen, queer and living in the hells of suburbia.

They'd already watched the requisite number of 'Halloween Approved' DVDs - Corpse Bride, Young Frankenstein and Weird Science - and had moved on to more important things like their mutual lack of a love life. Of course they'd already finished about a third of the bottle of Jim Beam that Justin had swiped out of his father's liquor cabinet before coming over. They were also well into their third bowl of pot for the night. Not to mention the sugar high they were experiencing after the second bag of chocolate candy bars they'd wolfed down. So, by this point in the proceedings, neither of the teens were feeling much pain. It was the perfect platform through which to vent their teenaged angst.

"There's fucking NOBODY at school I'm even remotely interested in, Daph," Justin declared. "No one there is worth coming out for. I mean, if I'm going to brave my homophobic father, the guy better be absolutely perfect. If not, why bother. I'd be better off just waiting till I go to college. I can have all the fun I want there, on my father's dime by the way, and no one will be around to give me shit."

"But Jus, I can't stand you being so down and lonely for the rest of Senior Year!" Daphne insisted. "This is our last year of high school. After this it's all downhill. We'll have to be responsible and shit. You need to enjoy yourself this year. Not wait till college."

"Sorry, Daph!" Justin insisted. "It's just NOT going to happen! There's nobody I'm interested in. At least, not enough to out myself for."

"Okay, so what, exactly, do you want in a man?" Daphne asked, finally sparking Justin's interest. "Come on. Let's make your perfect man. Just like in the movie. We'll design your perfect man. I just got this new MacBook computer for my birthday. It does everything except eat and shit for you. Let's do like in that movie - only, instead of making the perfect woman, we'll make the perfect man!"

Both of the youths were just drunk and stoned enough that this actually sounded like a GOOD idea at the time. So Daphne booted up her new laptop and the duo started downloading pictures of Justin's perfect man. It was hilarious fun. They spent a good two hours concocting the perfect man - according to Justin.

Then, in a fit of whimsy, inspired no doubt by the fifth bowl of pot they'd smoked, they went down to Daphne's little brother's room, liberated one of his GI Joe dolls, dressed it in a ball gown from Daph's old Barbie collection and - using copper wire they found in Daph's parents' junk drawer in the kitchen - wired the doll up to her scanner.

They were giggling almost uncontrollably by this point. It was a complete riot as far as Justin was concerned. They had wired up the doll just like in that silly movie and uploaded all the pictures that would comprise Justin's perfect man. Then, as solemnly as possible for a drunken, stoned and horny teen, Daphne shushed Justin's giggles. In the eerie tone appropriate to all seances, Ouija board attempts and weird science experiments, Daphne began to intone her prayer.

"By the powers of Greystone, I summon you - She-Ra, Goddess of Power; Freya, Norse goddess of strength; Athena, goddess of wisdom; Aphrodite, goddess of love; and . . . Batgirl, goddess of merrrrrowwww - hear our supplication. This boy needs your assistance. Hear us! Make this man! Summon him to the mortal realm! We need a man! We need THIS man! Help us! Help us to GET LAID!"

Then Daphne cued Justin who brought up each of the pictures they had downloaded, one at a time. He explained each set as he went, describing in elaborate detail every single quality he desired in a man. The man that Justin described was simply exquisite! He was perfect. Every man, woman and child on the face of the planet would want this man. He was a GOD!

"First, any guy I end up with has to be ‘Out and Proud' - Totally unafraid to be out there. Unwilling to let the masses control him or show him how he should live." Justin stated and clicked the mouse to add the pictures he'd downloaded of pride parades and two men holding hands.

"Next, he has to be totally hot. Like ‘GQ Model' hot or like those Armani Models. With a totally refined sense of style and fashion," Justin requested as he fed into the program two pictures of Armani models he'd found on the internet.

"But he shouldn't be cheap. Not tawdry. More like the old time silver screen actors. Totally refined and cultured and able to hold his head up no matter what the company. Like Cary Grant or Rock Hudson or . . .  Maybe, if we're being more up to date, Will Smith." Justin uploaded the appropriate pics.

"And, he has to be, like, Einstein smart. I want him to be able to hold a conversation not just some fucking airhead." Justin clicked the mouse to add in a picture of Einstein.

After thinking a bit, Justin added a couple more pics. "And he should be just a little bit over-the-top macho, too. Definitely not effeminate. Able to take care of me and take on the whole fucking world too. Like Bogart or Brando, maybe."

"I also want him to have a completely ‘I don't give a fuck' attitude. He should be an individualist. Not bound by society. His own man," Justin intoned as he added a picture of Rhett Bulter and another of James Dean.

"And he should definitely be musical. I mean, he doesn't have to be the best singer or musician in the world, but he needs to be someone who loves music. Someone with that sense of rhythm, showmanship and that . . . flair. Like a rock star." Justin uploaded pics of Freddy Mercury, Robert Plant and Mick Jagger.

"Oh, and don't forget, he has to have that quintessential sensual something that just says, ‘I'm going to Fuck You!' He's got to radiate sex. It oozes out of him even when he's not conscious of it. Especially when he's not conscious of it," Justin couldn't help adding as he clicked on pictures of Liam Hemsworth, Taylor Lautner, and Owen Wilson.

"And whoever I'm with definitely has to have a fucking amazing sense of humor. A combination of Mel Brooks and Monty Python, at their best. I want him to get every single reference I make to any humorous movie I've ever seen," Justin added Mel Brooks and the main cast of Monty Pyton (naked) to his mix.

"Oh yeah . . . a sense of  . . .  sexual experimentation that can't be exceeded. I don't mean anything dangerous, or anything, but willing to try stuff . . .  Almost anything. . . " Justin said with a bit of a blush, causing aphne to give him an odd look when he uploaded a pic from Zoolander and another of a very interesting dildo he'd found while on the internet earlier.

"That's absolutely the perfect man!" Justin declared as he hit the final button on the computer and sent all the data he'd gathered into cyberspace.

Daphne moaned loudly. "You have heard our plea, oh Goddesses of power and love. Please, grant our prayer. Make this man live! Make this God Among Men live so that he may fuck Justin soundly again and again. For this we beseech you! Please, answer our prayers!"

Daphne belted out the final line of her plea at full volume with all the appropriate supplicantative gestures. Unfortunately, just as Daphne threw herself forward, prostrating herself appropriately before the goddesses, Justin collapsed in a fit of laughter and knocked over the half full bottle of Beam onto the scanner. At the flare of sparks that erupted from the electronic equipment, Daphne shrieked and dropped the pot pipe she had been holding. The remains of that bowl of pot cascaded down onto the flaring electrical fire that had been her brand new scanner.

There were weird green electrical tongues of energy that forked out from the mess of melting plastic and metal. The arcing electricity licked at the fringes of the room, the two teens were scanned but left whole. The rest of Daphne's room was tasted by the electric tongues. Then, in a brilliant flame of green-white light, the electric flames licked at the GI Joe doll lying atop the melting scanner, flared bright and hot, burned the doll away to ashes and there was a deafening crack of thunder inside the house.

The smell of sulfur and burning plastic was suffocating inside Daphne's room. Justin rushed over and thrust open the window to let the smoke out. Daphne was laughing too hard to react much to the disaster. Justin was freaking about the small fire, but as soon as Daphne poured the remains of her diet coke on the fire, extinguishing the minor flames, he relaxed and started giggling along with his friend.

What ridiculous nonsense! Justin and Daphne looked at each other in silence for half a minute and then they both broke out laughing outrageously. They collapsed against each other in a fit of giggles. It was the perfect end to a silly Halloween night. They'd tried their best to make the perfect man! All they got for their efforts was a melted scanner and a stinky mess of a former GI Joe doll. But, neither one cared. It was the thought that counted.

If only Justin's perfect man HAD appeared!

Justin climbed into bed with Daphne about ten minutes later. They were drunk and stoned and probably wouldn't remember this whole incident come tomorrow morning. But, as Justin fell into a slightly disrupted, alcoholic slumber, he raised a small prayer to the powers that be that a man like he'd devised might someday exist. Somewhere. Hopefully, somewhere nearby. Maybe near enough that he could meet him. Meet him and instantly fall in love.

Justin fell asleep to dreams of venturing down to the acclaimed 'Liberty Avenue' - a place he'd heard about but never dared to visit. There, on the friendly, alternative streets of Pittsburgh's gay community, near some local queer hangout, Justin imagined he'd meet his 'Mr. Perfect'. The man of his dreams. The man who would swoop him up, whisk him away to his lair, take his virginity and make him a MAN!

Well, a guy could dream, couldn't he?

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*Pop*

Across town, in a stylish loft apartment that, up until now had been vacant, a god among men emerged from the shadow realms at the same moment that Daphne's scanner flared and the attached GI Joe doll melted away to cinders. He was ready for anything! This man had style, flare, sophistication, intelligence and sex appeal. And, he happened to have a craving for hot, blond boy ass!

Meet Brian Kinney!

The 'Face of God' . . .

The Beginning  . . . ?