The steady, continuous rain that had begun the previous afternoon and had lasted throughout the night was still there at dawn, announcing without any doubt that the warm days of fall were coming to an end, and the cold temperatures that were the harbinger of winter were approaching and would become more frequent.
The cooler temperatures and rainy weather reflected the feeling of loneliness that had been dominating him in recent days. This would be their first winter apart from the place he had always known and called home. It had been a few months since he had settled in New York City. But there was still in him a stubborn refusal to call the place where he now resided ‘home.’
Despite all the chances it offered for those who ventured out among the bustling streets, and the exhilaration he had felt at being a part of this fabulous and exciting city, he would never consider this place to be his ‘home.’ Of that, he was sure. His home was elsewhere.
Whether his residence was a middle-class condominium, Debbie's house, the apartment of his best friend, a seedy studio, , a simple house in Queens , or even a luxury loft or an incredible villa, none of these places would ever been viewed as his home. Not his true one, anyway.
His real home was where he had left his heart. His heart did not belong to him anymore. He had given it away, willingly and completely. His heart was connected to another heart, belonging to one man who represented all that mattered in his life.
And now, with the arrival of winter, he felt an increasing ache for the man who had stolen it from him, never to return it; the man whose very essence completed his soul. He wanted to be home. He wanted to be with the one who fully completed him.
There was a feeling that an important piece was missing, increasing his pangs of loneliness, and the cold, rainy weather that had arrived much like an unwelcome visitor had further increased the reality that he was truly alone for the first time in his life.
Even when he had lived out his adventure in the cinematic world of Tinseltown, he had not felt so alone. When he had been in Hollywood, he knew it would only be a temporary separation. When the film was finished, he would return home. But now there was no pre-set time for his stay in New York. He might stay in town for a few months, or even a few years. “It’s just time,” his partner had told him. But at that moment, time seemed to move excruciatingly slowly, leaving him feeling uncertain.
The freedom of being on his own, the thrill of venturing wherever he liked, and the responsibility of taking care of himself, was very stimulating to Justin, but those emotions could not overcome the feeling of loneliness that threatened to consume him as he peered out at the cloudy, rainy sky.
Despite the temptation to surrender completely to his sadness, however, Justin knew it was irrational to feel that way; after all, he and Brian’s relationship was still going strong. They talked and visited regularly, and he had no doubt of the man’s love for him. But this did not stop him from feeling that something was missing, and he knew exactly what it was. It was that sense of belonging, the feeling of familiarity that he had lost upon arriving in this exciting and thriving, but impersonal city.
With winter looming, Justin knew this depressed and defeatist attitude would take on much larger proportions if he allowed these feelings to overwhelm him.
Winter had never been his favorite season. Excessive cold and the restrictions imposed upon him due to the climate had always bothered him.
But even if he wasn’t fond of wintertime, he still had some good memories from some of the coldest nights. Like the hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows that his mother always prepared for him as a treat when he was a child before he went to bed, back in the days before he had not yet experienced the harsh reality of how his father could be, and the love that Justin believed he held for him was not as unconditional as he thought.
He remembered nostalgically the cold nights spent in the loft, with Brian instinctively pulling him closer in his sleep, and the comforting feeling of his partner’s body heat that he loved; the warmth would spread throughout his body, pushing the cold night away. But certainly the best wintertime memory was the evening when he and Brian had made love in front of the fireplace in the house that Brian had bought for them, after he had surprised him with his second marriage proposal, finally convincing him that he did, indeed, want to become his husband.
Those were the moments that he cherished, but made him ache inside with longing. Longing for his family, his partner’s love, and the hometown where his friends resided.
Justin continued to watch the raindrops hit the window panes and trickle down the glass. It was as if the cold water was seeping into his body, increasing his sense of loneliness. He pulled the duvet tighter around him, trying to shake the nagging feeling inside him, and remembering other times when he had huddled under a different duvet in another time and another city.
Justin knew rationally that he was being pathetic, regretting a decision that he had made willingly; however, the current impasse that his life and career had taken only increased his pessimism about the path he should take, and what the future would hold for him.
New York’s art world had not proven to be as welcoming as he had hoped, despite the glowing article in Art Forum magazine, and Lindsay’s insistence that had made him believe in what had turned out to be perhaps only a pipe dream; one that thousands of other artists also held.
The galleries so far had expressed little interest in his work despite how talented everyone said he was; it was nearly impossible to get noticed without any academic training or experience, let alone without an influential agent to promote his art.
He felt a sense of déjà vu, with his life being very similar to his routine back home in Pittsburgh; waiting tables, painting when he could find some time. But there was one, distinctive difference – he was away from his family, his friends, and especially Brian. Aggravating his current situation was the knowledge that now he was alone.
All his morose thoughts and depressing feelings were amplified by the rainy and cold weather that reflected his mood and his loneliness.
Justin wondered if it was worth it, remaining in his current situation. He pondered whether it would be much more logical to return home, gain more experience, make a name for himself where he would have more opportunities, and then resume his adventure in New York. On the other hand, he did not want to give up and accept failure. He had never given up on anything in his life.
He was a fighter, and he would not admit defeat, even when he was barely able to keep going.
The fight was more difficult than he had thought it would be, but he knew he was not ready to surrender yet.
However, it was these cold and rainy nights when defeatist feelings coursed through him, and sapped his strength. And the dreary nights of November had just begun, signaling the prelude to a longer winter and gray, cloudy, sunless skies
The buzzing of his phone summoned him from his mist of self-pity, bringing him back to reality. He picked up the phone with a smile on his face. The feeling of joy in anticipation of hearing the voice he so desperately needed to hear spread warmth throughout every part of his body. He pressed the button to accept the call and placed it against his ear with an almost reverent expectation.
"Hi, Sunshine!" The deep voice of Brian boomed through the phone, completely filling the void that had been dominating his heart.
"Hi, Brian!" Justin replied with a broad smile, feeling the heat spreading throughout his body and banishing the cold from his soul. No matter what decision he would take, no matter whether his decision would be to remain in New York or return to Pittsburgh, no matter what he did, he knew Brian would support and respect his decision. And most importantly of all, he could always count on the one person who believed in him and would never disappoint him; the man he loved above everyone else.
Suddenly, it no longer mattered that the November nights were becoming colder, announcing the coming winter. He could always count on the certainty of being loved. And the heat of that feeling swept away any cold that threatened to take care over his heart.
He decided that the November nights would not be that cold after all.
