Joan Kinney sat in the little metal chair near the coffee shop in the food court of the mall. Today she had learned that everything she’d believed, or thought she had believed, was either false or flawed. All those years of believing in God and that a certain way of life was right or wrong, well, it was all just so messed up in her head. She didn’t know what to think anymore. Father Tom was a homosexual. He’d been so nice to her over the years. He was the perfect Christian, or so she’d believed. How many times had she wished her only son, Brian, could be more like Father Tom?

The thought of Brian brought back so many painful memories. How many times had she told her only son he was going to burn in hell? How many times had she thought of him as the spawn of Satan? Father Tom told her that Brian had known all along that he was gay, and yet, never once had Brian told her. Not even when she was telling him what a saint Father Tom was, or how she wished he’d be more like the good Father, never once did he ever utter a word in his own defense.

How many times over the years had she called Brian and told him to help his sister, or asked for money herself? He never said no. How many times had both she and Claire put him on the spot with something and he’d stepped in to fix things? She remembered the time he’d watched John for Claire. She’d just dropped her son off at Brian’s job and left. Then when young John had accused Brian of molesting him, what had she and Claire done? Did they ask Brian for his side of the story? No, they had immediately called the police and believed the very worst of Brian. She could still see him pacing around her daughter’s house. He’d looked like a caged animal that was about to be slaughtered. Did she offer any support or sympathy to her little boy?

Images of Jack’s abuse flashed through her mind. Had she ever once tried to stop him from hitting Brian? He’d been such a beautiful little boy. Why couldn’t she have just loved him? Well, the simple horrible truth of the matter was that she blamed her precious little boy for screwing up her life. Jack hadn’t wanted any more kids, but she just couldn’t get an abortion, so instead, she’d had Brian and threw him to the wolves on the day he was born. She’d rationalized her behavior over the years by thinking he was a willful child, or that he deserved what he got because he turned out to be gay. Yes, she’d found many excuses to relieve her own guilt over abandoning her beautiful little boy.

She recalled the day she’d found out Brian was gay. She’d been so shocked to see that young blonde boy walking out of Brian’s bedroom. Then to find out that everyone in the family knew but her, well why would he tell her anything about his life? Had she been any sort of a mother to her only son? No, she hadn’t. She’d done nothing but condemn him for living his life. Was it any wonder that her only son thought more of Debbie Novotny than he did his own mother?

She remembered how she’d found out that Brian had cancer. Debbie had told her while praying for Brian in church. What had she done with that information? Well, she’d used it as a weapon to once again tell him what a horrible person he was and that he was going to burn in hell. She still recalled the words Brian had said to her that day. When she’d told him that God had a plan, he’d answered, “To torment you. I mean no martyr was ever sainted without going through a shit load of pain and suffering. Well Saint Joan, say hello to your shit load.” Then when she’d tried to tell him to turn away from sin and to harden himself against Satan, he’d replied, “I want to be hard Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard. Please, Lord, make me hard so that I can fuck every hot guy I see. That’s why God gave me a second chance Mom. So that I could use the one good ball I have left.” Instead of offering support and comfort to her baby in his time of need, she’d once again screamed “Shame, shame on you.” So the last words her baby boy had said to her were “If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in hell it’s better than spending one good day in heaven with you!” That about summed up what her precious baby boy thought of his mother, and with good reason.

Ten years. She hadn’t seen or spoken to her only son for ten years. She’d never once called to thank him for paying the insurance and taxes on her house and car every single year. She never thought to say thank you for all the bank drafts that mysteriously appeared in her checking account. No, she’d chosen to believe that Father Tom had done all those things for her. She was brought out of her reverie when something bumped into the back of her chair. She turned around and gasped in shock. She was transported back in time instantly. She had to be delusional and having some sort of hallucination because she was looking into the face of her son as a teenager.

“Jesus, J.R. you almost made me kill this lady,” the young Brian said to the dark haired girl at his side. “I’m so sorry lady, did I hurt you?”

Joan swallowed hard and stared at the boy unable to make a sound.

“Lady, are you okay?” The boy squatted down so he was looking directly into her eyes. Yes, those were Brian’s eyes that beautiful blending of greens and browns. “Lady?” He turned his auburn head and looked up at the girl. “See what you did, brat?”

“It’s not my fault if you can’t watch where you are going, Gus,” the girl said.

Gus his name was Gus. Yes, it fit somehow. She raised a hand and gently cupped his handsome face. “I’m so sorry, son. If I could go back and do it all over again, I’d change so many things.”

Gus looked into the woman’s eyes with a mixture of confusion and sadness. “I think she’s a mental patient, J.R. Maybe we should get some help for her.”

Joan seemed to snap out of her daze and pulled her hand away from the boy’s cheek. “I’m sorry, young man. I don’t know what came over me. You just reminded me of a little boy I used to know a long time ago.”

About that time the little girl shouted, “Justin! We’re over here.”

Joan turned her head in the direction the little girl was looking and saw a very handsome blonde man walking toward her table. His expression, one of great happiness, seemed to change the closer he got to her table. No, it wasn’t possible. This couldn’t be the same child she’d seen in Brian’s loft that day. He moved with an air of grace and prestige; this was a man used to getting his way. “Mrs. Kinney, so nice to see you again.” Yes, he was cultured and well mannered. She barely recognized the undercurrent of contempt in his voice, but what did she expect?

“Justin, I think our last meeting was not what it should have been, but it is nice to see you.” She held her head up high and met his gaze. She was ashamed of her actions and sorry for all the pain she’d caused her son, but she wouldn’t grovel and beg for anything.

Gus looked up at the blonde man and said, “Hey Dad, do you know this lady?”

Joan snapped her head around and looked at the boy. He’d called Justin Dad. She looked back up at the blonde man with the question plainly showing in her eyes. He turned his head and looked at the boy. “Gus, this is your grandmother.”

“No way, Dad. I already have four grandmothers. One for each of my parents, and since my grandmothers from my Moms have all died, that just leaves your mother, Grandma Jen and Pop’s mother, Grandma Debbie.”

The little girl hit the boy on the arm. “Grandma Debbie isn’t his real mother, she’s my Daddy’s mother, you idiot.”

The boy’s eyes got really big and he whispered in a shocked voice, “Oh my God, you’re Saint Joan!”

“Gus!” Justin chastised the boy, “You will remember your manners, young man.”

The boy’s head dropped and he whispered, “I’m sorry, Dad.”

“Okay kids, we have to go meet Brian. It was nice seeing you, Mrs. Kinney.” Justin herded the kids out and started walking across the mall.

Joan quickly grabbed her belongings and followed behind them at a distance. She had a grandson that she never knew about. All those years lost. She watched as the boy, Gus was his name, pulled on the little girl’s hair and was told to behave by Justin, the man he called Dad. That was Brian’s son of that she had no doubts, but why was he calling Justin Dad? She saw Brian as soon as she turned the corner. He was still as handsome as ever. She watched as Gus yelled “Pop” and ran up to get a hug. She’d never seen Brian smile that way before. She watched as he hugged the boy and the little girl with practiced ease. It amazed her and she wondered where he’d learn to hug like that, it certainly hadn’t been from her or his father.

What happened next shocked her even more. He stood up, pulled the short blonde man forward, kissed his lips quickly, and put his arm around his shoulders. She heard the laughter from the kids. Brian seemed so happy. She heard his laughter ring out louder than anyone else’s at something the blonde had whispered into his ear.

Well, it seemed that her little boy had indeed done alright by himself. Being gay hadn’t caused him to be old and lonely like she herself was. He had a family that obviously adored him. If his clothing were any indication he was quite wealthy, and he seemed to be truly happy with his life.

She looked around the festively decorated mall with all the lights that seemed to scream Christmas with every blink. Well, ‘twas the season after all, and she planned to have a very Merry Christmas this year. She looked back at her baby with his family and smiled. Oh, he may think he got his looks and brains from his father, but he was sadly mistaken on that score. He was his mother’s son in every sense of the word. Claire, now she was like her father, but Brian, he was hers. She stood up a little straighter and smiled. She had a lot to make up for, but she’d win him over. This year at Christmas her baby and his family were going to be having Christmas dinner with her.

She had a lot of planning to do. She’d have to visit Brian at work because she wouldn’t disrupt his family life. She’d apologize, but she wouldn’t make any excuses for herself. She’d ask him for the chance to prove that she meant what she said, but she wouldn’t beg him. Even if he refused to give her a second chance, and she wouldn’t blame him a bit if he refused her, she’d still like the opportunity to tell him how proud she was of him, and that even though she’d never been a proper mother to him, he was every mother’s dream of the perfect son.

Joan walked into Kinnetik and looked around. The last time she’d been in this building had been the disastrous day she’d confronted Brian about his cancer. It was still beautifully decorated and had a festive theme. She walked back toward Brian’s office nodding her head to the occasional person as she passed. This was not going to turn into another shouting match between them, she’d make sure of that. If her baby needed to trash her for her behavior she’d let him.

She noticed Brian right away. He always seemed to just jump out at her whenever she saw him. He was bent over a desk with Justin at his side and they seemed to be discussing something important. She sat down on the bench watching and listening to them.

“No fucking way, Sunshine.” Brian shook his head. “I won’t be bullied by some pompous CEO.”

“Brian, be reasonable for once in your life. Just make the changes and be done with it.”

“I’d be happy to make the changes, but that would completely ruin the purpose of the ad. I can’t have our company’s name on something that is sub-standard.” Brian rubbed his hand over his face. “I tell you what, you redo the boards to incorporate what he wants without losing my vision, and I’ll call him in for another pitch. Is that enough of a compromise for you?”

Justin smiled at Brian leaned in and gave him a little kiss. “I love it when you compromise with me.”

Joan heard Brian’s laughter and watched as he swatted the blonde’s ass. “I prefer putting you in compromising positions.” It must be really nice having someone in your life that you can talk to like that. She’d never know what that was like, but she was glad her little boy had it.

She stood and faced him as he walked back toward his office. She noticed the way his face went from happy to somewhat dazed and then to anger. She followed him into his office and looked around. Yes, her little boy had done well for himself.

“Well, what is it that you want this time, mother? Did you think I'd lived long enough without you telling me I was going to burn in hell and you figured now would be a great time to remind me?”

“Of course not, Brian. You always were quick to jump to conclusions.

“Wonder who I learned that from, mother dearest?”

Joan ignored Brian’s sarcasm completely. “I’ve been attending this group and I’ve learned a few things. Things I should have learned a long time ago, but better late than never I always say.”

“I like the sound of never myself,” Brian calmly stated.

“So in this group, I learned that children sometimes blame themselves when they have horrible parents, and I never realized how I was making you feel all those years."

“Don’t worry yourself, Mom. I never thought enough of you to feel one way or the other.”

“I know that’s not true, Brian. You were always such a sensitive child, so bright, so open, and you wore your heart on your sleeve.” Joan looked her son in the eye almost daring him to deny what she’d just said.
“Don’t pretend to know me, because you don’t. I grew up. I learned you don’t get anywhere in life believing all that bullshit.”

Joan continued as if Brian hadn’t said a word. “I know I spent half my life either drunk or on the way to getting drunk, but I do know you, Brian. I've always known you; I just didn't want to see. I wanted you to be as miserable as I was and so I punished you for things that had nothing to do with you. It was easier to blame you than to see what was wrong with myself.”

Brian leaned across his desk and asked, “You thought it would be easier to blame and punish an innocent child than to deal with your own fucking life?!”

“Yes, Brian, I did think it was easier to blame you. I never said it was right to do it, just easier. I didn't want to see what I'd let my life become. So drinking every day and blaming a child for all my mistakes was much easier than admitting I was a complete failure.”

Brian shook his head in disbelief. “But you made it more apparent that you were a failure by the actions that you chose to take.”

“I didn't come here to explain my actions to you, Brian, because I know that no matter how many times I say that I was wrong or how many times I say that I'm sorry for what I did, well, it doesn't mean anything to you at this point in your life. I know all this.” Joan never broke eye contact with her son.

Brian took a deep breath and asked, “So why did you come here, Mom?”

“To tell you that even though I was a terrible mother to you, I think you have grown into a wonderful man. I know this won't mean anything to you, but I wanted you to know how proud I am of you and everything you've accomplished in your life. Finally, I want to thank you for everything you've done for me over the years, and to tell you that it's time you stopped. Don't think you have to take care of me anymore Brian. I am perfectly capable of taking care of myself.” Joan gave her son a small smile.

The door suddenly swung open, Justin walked into the office, looked at her, and said, "So nice to see you again, Mrs. Kinney.”

Joan looked at Justin and said, “It's nice to see you, Justin, although you don't have to pretend you are happy to see me. I know you probably hate me more than Brian does, and with good reason.”

Joan reached into her overly large purse and pulled out a scrapbook. She placed it on Brian’s desk. “I just wanted to give this to you. I thought maybe Gus would enjoy seeing it. There are pictures and newspaper clippings of things that have happened to you over the years.”

“My son doesn’t need a book or you to tell him about my life or my success. He has been with me every step of the way.” Brian’s voice was a bit angrier than before.

“I know you are a good father, Brian. If only I had been as good a mother, but I just thought Gus might like to see the pictures of you as a child and to see how great you were at playing soccer.”

“Gus already knows all these things.”

“Okay, I'm sorry for making false assumptions yet again. If you have no need for the scrapbook I'd like to have it back.” Joan gave Brian a small smile.

“I never said that I had no need for it. I just don’t appreciate the way you are insinuating yourself in my life.”

“I won't lie to you, Brian. I'd like a chance to get to know you better. I don't want to mess your life up, though. That's not what I had in mind at all.”

“So you just expect me to forgive and forget and welcome you back into my life with open arms?”

Joan gives a little chuckle and says, “Good lord no, Brian. I'm old, not senile. Of course, I don't expect you to want me in your life. I fully expect you to tell me to go burn in hell.”

“So then give me one good reason why I should even consider letting you into my life?”

“Because you are a better person than I am. Because you took care of your mother when she treated you like scum. Because you are probably one of the most caring people I've ever known, and maybe, just maybe, because even though I was a complete failure as a mother, you still love me just a little bit anyway.”

“So what is all this really about? Is Saint Joan seeking redemption from her poor abused faggot son?”

“Now, Brian, you should know better than that. I'm the one who told you that you were going to burn in hell just because you loved another man. How do you think I feel about mothers who treat their sons the way I treated you? There is no redemption for me.”

“Well, mother, at least that is something we can agree on.”

Joan stood and gave her only son a smile. “Thank you for your time, Brian. It was nice seeing you again Justin. I'll just show myself out.”

“Thanks for stopping by, Mrs. Kinney, and for the scrapbook. Have a nice day.” Justin held open the door.

Joan smiled at the blonde man because he was nothing if not polite. She was really happy Brian had someone like him in his life. She knew without a doubt that Justin would fight anyone or anything that tried to hurt her little boy.

It was a cold day and Joan pulled her coat closer to her body as she stepped outside the Kinnetik offices. Well, she’d taken the first step in trying to get to know her son again. It had gone just as she’d figured. She never expected this to be easy, but she was more than willing to work for what she wanted.

For the next week, she stayed in the shadows and followed Brian around trying to see what was going on in his life. She learned that Brian had been raising his son full-time for the past year because his mothers had finally split up for good. She’d also found out that Gus was quite the artist and was planning on attending PIFA.

While out on one of her treks, Joan picked up a box of Christmas cards and a new scrapbook. She really had to get to work on Christmas preparations. She purchased a few sketchpads, some charcoal pencils, and an artist’s kit the shop keep had assured her would make any artist proud to own. She hoped that Gus would like it. She’d wanted to get Brian and Justin something, but what did you buy for men who seemed to have everything? Sad, but she just didn’t know them well enough to buy a gift they would enjoy or could use, and a gift certificate from her would just be in bad taste.

Three days before Christmas she received a card from Brian, Justin, and Gus. It was an amazing card. The front of it was a painting of the three of them standing outside in front of a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. Everything was covered in pure white snow and the sky was black riddled with millions of blinking stars. It was signed JT&GMPTK. The message inside the card stated ‘Wishing you all the blessings of the season.’ The thing that really caught her eye was the signatures inside the card. At first, she’d thought that maybe Justin had just included her in the Christmas card list and sent the card himself, but those signatures made it perfectly clear that this had been a family project. She recognized Brian’s handwriting immediately. Obviously, they had each signed their own names on the card. She gave a little chuckle when she saw Gus’ signature. He’d signed it Gus M. P. Taylor-Kinney. She placed the card on her mantle and finished wrapping Gus’ gift. She’d have it delivered on Christmas Eve. She’d addressed it to him from Santa Claus, so hopefully he wouldn’t feel guilty about enjoying it.

Christmas morning dawned crisp and cold but clear and beautiful. She knew Brian and his family was spending the day with Debbie Novotny. It seemed there would be a huge gathering of all Brian’s friends. She wasn’t about to ruin Brian’s Christmas by crashing the party, but she did want to drive by the house, just so she could feel close to her little boy.

She smiled as she drove slowly past the Novotny home. It seemed that there were quite a few people in attendance and she was so happy that Brian had all those people in his life. She turned around and went back to her house to heat up her dinner.

After cleaning up her kitchen, she pulled out the scrapbook and placed it on the kitchen table. She gathered up some of the newspaper clippings she’d kept and the Christmas card. She placed each item carefully into the scrapbook. Only this time the scrapbook wasn’t all about Brian. She’d kept articles of Justin’s art shows and his charitable works. She’d also found a clipping about Gus winning the school spelling bee. Finally, she put the beautiful card on a page all by itself. She picked up the marker and wrote beneath the card…My beautiful boys.

Joan ran her fingertip across the painted picture of Brian’s face. “I’m so glad you are happy, Brian.” She took a deep breath and closed the scrapbook placing it on the shelf for safekeeping. Her phone rang and she picked it up saying, “Hello.”

“Merry Christmas, Mom,” Brian whispered into the phone.

“Merry Christmas, baby. I hope you had a great day.”

“I just wanted to thank you for Gus’ gift. It was very thoughtful.”

“I’m just glad he liked it, and I loved the Christmas card, Brian. Please tell Gus and Justin that I think they are just wonderful artists.”

“You should tell them that yourself Mom,” Brian stated.

“I don’t want to interfere in your life, Brian, and I promise I’m not going to make a nuisance of myself, so if you’d just let them know how much I appreciate all their hard work.”

“Listen, Mom, I’m not making any promises, but would you like to have dinner with us some time?” Joan really hated the scared undercurrents in Brian’s voice. He was so afraid she was going to hurt him or refuse to join him.

“I’d love to, as a matter of fact, would you consider letting me cook dinner for you one night? I know I was never the greatest cook, but I’ve been taking some classes. I can’t promise anything fancy, but I can cook a chicken dinner.”

“I’ll talk it over with Justin and Gus and get back to you on that. I’ll give you a call next week and we’ll set something up.”

“I’d really like that, Brian, and son, I know you won’t believe this, and I don’t blame you at all, but I do love you.”

“Well, I’ll be getting in touch. I hope you had a good Christmas, Mom.”

“You just made this the best Christmas of my life, Brian.”

“Bye, Mom.” She heard the click of the phone as he hung up and she hugged the phone tightly to her chest.

She hadn’t even noticed she was crying until she placed the phone back on its hook. She looked around at all the Christmas decorations she’d put up. Next year she’d get to have dinner with her little boy and his family. She’d just have to keep working and believing. She’d already gotten so much more than she ever deserved.

Joan looked around the house one more time and smiled—everything was perfect. She’d worked really hard on all the decorations and the food. The guests should be arriving in a little over an hour and she wanted to make a good impression on Brian’s friends. She couldn’t believe that her little boy had given her a second chance, and she wasn’t about to blow it.


The doorbell broke her out of her musings. What, it was too early for the guests. When she opened the door, she saw Brian loaded down with gifts. “A little help here, Mom.”

Joan laughed and started pulling the packages off the top of the stack. “Brian, what have you done now?”

“I just bought everyone’s presents over here this year. I thought you’d like to see Gus open his gifts and he didn’t mind waiting.” Brian bent and placed a kiss on his mother’s cheek. “Merry Christmas, Mom.”

“Merry Christmas, son.” Joan helped Gus and Justin in the house. Justin was loaded down with dishes and so was Gus. “We’ll just put all this stuff in the kitchen, Grandma,” Gus said before placing a kiss on her cheek.

“Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas, Gus, I’m so happy you could come.” Joan gave his cheek a little pat.

Justin was last through the door carrying, even more, dishes of food in a big cardboard box. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and said, “Merry Christmas, Mother Kinney.”

“Merry Christmas, Sunshine. You know you didn’t have to do all this, but thank you so much.” Joan helped him into the kitchen and started to unload the box.

“We couldn’t expect you to do all the work for the entire gang, Mother Kinney. There is just too many of us for one person to handle.” Justin was busily putting things away. “I’ll stop by tomorrow to take you to the grocery store.”

Joan put her hand on Justin’s shoulder. “You don’t have to do that, Sunshine. I appreciate everything that you and Brian have done for me, but you boys don’t need to go to all that trouble.”
Justin gave her his megawatt smile and bumped shoulders with her. “I love going shopping with you, Mother Kinney. You always tell the most amazing stories about Brian.”

“I just wish I’d been a better mother to him when he was growing up.” Joan took a deep breath.

“Well, he still hasn’t grown up yet, so you still have loads of work to do.” Justin laughed.

Brian walked into the kitchen after putting all the presents under the tree. “I heard everything you two were saying about me, and I’m shocked and appalled that you could say such disparaging things about my character. Gus, you need to set these two straight on a few things.”

Gus looked at his father and winked. “Well, Pop, Grandma is already straight and I really don’t think you want Justin to turn straight, so what am I supposed to do with them?”

Brian wrapped his arms around his mother’s waist from behind and placed a kiss against the top of her head.

“Are you feeling better, Mom?"

“I feel like a million dollars, Brian, don’t worry. Let’s get everything ready the guests should be arriving shortly.”

“These people aren’t guests, Mom. These people are just family, so you don’t have to impress them.”

“You be nice, Brian.” Joan pulled away from her baby boy and laughed softly.

Two hours later after opening up the presents, everyone was sitting in the living room talking. Joan looked around at all the people and smiled. Emmett and Drew were busy picking on Ted and Blake, Gus and J. R. were playing their new video game, Michael and Ben were talking to Debbie and Carl, Hunter and his boyfriend Maxx were checking out their new laptops, and Brian was busy kissing Justin under the mistletoe.

Joan pulled out her new digital camera and started taking pictures of everyone. This was going to be the perfect way to end this year’s scrapbook. She finally had her baby boy back.