Brian's POV:
Looking back on the last five years of my life, I have to ask myself- when did it really did happen? When did I stop being Brian 'Fucking' Kinney, the stud of Liberty Avenue, and start becoming Brian Kinney, the man in love with Justin Taylor? It wasn't love at first sight...not for me, but maybe for him. No...it was lust at first sight and nothing more. All the men I had been fucking or allowed to suck me off were so jaded, and this kid was just the opposite. He was fresh...unspoiled...but more than that, he was eager. I could see it in his eyes from that first moment of contact. He was me, more than a dozen years earlier. Back then, I was just as nervous as he was, but also totally unwilling to let my nerves get the better of me. I could tell that little blond twink had the same guts, and I respected that.
Okay, it was his guts that first attracted me to him...not to mention the fact that he was one very hot piece of ass...but when did I first realize that there was a lot more to Justin Taylor than courage and striking good looks? Was it his persistence, as Debbie so eloquently put it one night when I sat at that table, drinking heavily to try and get him out of my head. She accused me of loving him then, but I wasn't ready...oh Hell, I wasn't brave enough to admit it even to myself yet. That's been the trouble from the beginning. Justin has guts. I didn't. Let's face it, I was a coward...had been from my earliest years. I had spent my entire adult life living in fear of being rejected...of being hurt the way my family had done to me all my life. I put on a mask of indifference to what others thought, but it hid the real me. Even Michael, my best friend since childhood, never really knew all of the real me. Only Justin saw behind the mask I wore. Was that why I fell in love with him?
It wasn't just that he saw who I really was...it was that he loved me despite what he saw. Naturally I didn't trust him or his declarations of devotion in the beginning. He was so young, and I was certain that he would outgrow his feelings. How many people actually end up still in love with their first lover years later? Not many, I'm sure, especially when their first lover comes along at such a young age. And yes, Justin was quite mature for his age, but he still had a lot of growing up to do and experiences to live through before really having the right to lay claim to being an adult. No, I don't think I was actually in love with him during that first year we knew each other, but I was well on the road to feeling something very akin to love. One thing that I do know is that during that year I enjoyed the time I spent with him more than anything else I did. And it wasn't just the sex, although it was certainly the most satisfying sex I had ever had. I truly enjoyed the time we spent together that had nothing to do with sex just as much. Of course, all that changed on that one horrific night.
If I hadn't felt such a strong tug on my emotions when I thought of him, I never would have gone to that fucking Prom Dance. But I did! Not only did I feel something for him that confused me, but I had an undeniable urge to explore those feelings. I thought to myself, 'what better way to open the door to those feelings than to grant him the one wish he most wanted'...for me to share that important moment in his life, his Senior Prom. I don't believe in regrets normally, but that is the one time in my life that I regret what I did. I accept the fact that I'm not to blame for the bashing, or at least I do now. That is totally on the head of that prick, Hobbs, but our dance was the match that lit the explosive inside that sick bastard. The only good thing that came out of the whole tragedy was that I now knew more than ever before how important Justin was to me. I still didn't have the courage to call it love, but I knew it was real and it was strong.
My problem was that I was still afraid. What the Hell was I afraid of? I don't know how to describe it, but I think I was afraid of being exposed. If I said out loud that I was in love with this man, then my mask would fall away completely and everyone would see I was vulnerable...that I could be hurt. Somehow I would lose the carefully constructed Brian Kinney that I had built up for public viewing. Brian 'Fucking' Kinney would melt away and leave behind a man with no defenses. And yes, there was another fear to contend with. If I admitted I was in love, then I would no longer be special...a standout in a sea of men. I would be just another fool in love. I wasn't ready for that step.
Was this why I made so many stupid mistakes with Justin during that first year after the bashing? One minute I'm treating him like gold and the next I'm totally ignoring his needs. His nineteenth birthday was a prime example. All he really wanted from me was a simple gesture of affection. And what did I give him instead...a damned paid hustler. Was it any wonder that he was attracted to someone else who offered him what I was refusing to give him? I lied to myself and told myself that he should have seen through my act. I convinced myself that my actions should have been enough to show him how I felt about him. But of course, the trouble with that notion was that my actions were giving him mixed signals the entire time. What my actions were really saying to him was, 'I really care about you, but you are not quite enough for me. I need more than just you'. No wonder he lost faith in me and went off with that Fiddler when I pushed him away one time too many.
I never thought I could feel jealousy over another man, but I did. To make myself feel better, I told myself that I only wanted him to be happy. It was another lie I lived with. I did want him to be happy, but I wanted him to be happy with me. It was why I pulled a few subtle tricks to mess with him and the Fiddler. Justin saw through me, but I acted like it didn't matter to me one way or another. If that was true, why did I feel this sharp pain in my chest every single time I saw them together? And why did I feel such a great sense of satisfaction when those two broke up? And why didn't I simply refuse to work with him when he found the perfect way to get under my skin again by taking that internship at work? I could have prevented it if I had wanted to bad enough. The truth was, I wanted to see his face every day. I loved knowing he still wanted to be with me.
I waited for him to say or do the right thing...the thing that would give me an excuse to let him back into my life. Somehow, I knew he'd manage it. That boy is so damned clever. Yes, I love his brain as much as his body! They both work so perfectly. But I digress. I can't begin to say how happy I was to have Justin back in my life and my bed. So what the fuck went wrong this time? The answer is...looking back on it...Justin was growing up, but I wasn't. I was still that insecure little boy who knew he'd be kicked in the teeth if he showed someone he loved them more than anything else in his life. Like a little kid, I tested Justin's loyalty over and over again. I made him play games with me, like choosing others to fuck in a group setting when I knew he would have preferred it being just the two of us. Sometimes I dangled hope in front of him by agreeing to end the game with us going home alone. Funny how those times in our bed were always more sensual and fulfilling than any of the other times.
Once again I thought my actions would tell him how much I cared about him, so I avoided any direct declarations of love. After all, I stood by him during his risky 'Pink Possee' days didn't I? And trust me, that whole damned period in our lives scared the shit out of me. I don't like violence and have avoided it as much as possible my whole life. I prefer to use my sharp tongue to a sharp knife. That said, I did my best to empathize with the anger that was boiling inside Justin. Thank heavens he managed to get most of his rage under control before I lost him in a way that we could never come back from.
Despite the fact that I showed him how much I trusted him during that 'Pink Possee' crap, I just ended up giving him mixed signals again. It is a true miracle that I didn't lose him altogether during my Cancer debacle. Did I turn to him with trust that he would be there for me? Hell, no! I gave him my infamous mixed signals again, first by not telling him the truth and then by throwing him away once he learned the truth for himself. He confessed later that it was Michael who set him straight on my motivation for shutting him out. Guess Mikey does understand me more than I admitted before, despite the mask I was still wearing. I don't think I ever loved Justin more than the day he stood up to me and called me on my bullshit. I think that was the first time I really saw him as the man he was becoming.
Maybe, given a little more time, I would have gotten around to saying those three little words he wanted to hear so badly. But then Hollywood called. I was so proud of Justin, and I only wanted the best for him. When he first left, I really did believe that he would only be gone for a very short time. It was why I kept the closet half empty and a cleared-out drawer waiting for his return. Oh man, was I wrong! I thought I had lost him for good when he didn't seem to be in that big of a hurry to return to the Pitts, but I made sure that it was business as usual around the gang and everyone else. I would have cut my dick off before admitting that I ached for him every night and day, although I think Michael had a clue. Of course, he would never challenge me directly on that matter. He was still too attached to me, despite having Ben in his life.
I'll never forget when Justin did come home. There I was, riding the back of a faceless trick from the rival dance club and all he does is smile at me. Of course, it wasn't his usual 'Sunshine' smile, and if I had looked more deeply in his eyes I would have seen the disappointment behind the grin. I wasn't about to do that though. I was just overjoyed to see his face and I stared at him the whole time I was coming. Poor jerk under me had no clue it was Justin I was picturing myself holding onto during those last moments. I never even saw the guy when he hurriedly dressed and left the loft. All I saw was Justin. Later that night, I welcomed him back into my home as well as my heart. Some part of me really thought that it would be forever this time.
It is too bad that I didn't realize just how much Justin had changed...had really grown up in that last year, especially while on his own in Hollywood. If I had, I would have known that he was ready to put away childish dreams and fantasies and step into the world of adults...a world I had only been inhabiting with one toe in the door while the rest of me clung to immaturity. Every member of our little gang had changed. They had all grown up during the last year or so. Every one of them was ready to get serious about their futures, particularly in the love department. Emmett went from his usual short-term...and I do mean short-term...romances to someone steady. His love for the old guy, which I might have made fun of at the time but did recognize as the real thing later on, was just the first step. Then came Drew, the hunky football player. I wouldn't be surprised if those two end up as a couple some day.
And what about Ted...our poor pathetic Teddy? Damned if it shouldn't have been me patterning myself after him instead of him always trying to be like me. He went through Hell, but once he found his place in the world, he embraced it with everything in him. His grand prize was ending up with the love of his life, and he earned it the hard way. Even after finding my place, with success in my own company, I not only didn't embrace it...I kept looking for something more. It left no room for Justin to fit firmly in the puzzle I had made of my life. Then Michael became the straw that broke the camel's back.
Dear old Mikey...he not only found his true love and made a real home with the guy, but that fact stared Justin in the face day after day. I should have gotten a hint as to where Justin was headed in his thinking when he and Mikey came up with that marriage theme in their latest issue of 'Rage'. Sadly no, I still had blinders on. I kept telling myself that Justin was perfectly happy with me just the way I was. Leave it to drama queen, Mikey to dissuade me from that illusion. I never cried that night I stormed drunkenly into Mikey's house, but that was because I was numb from a pain that was worse than any I had ever felt before. I truly believed that I had lost both Justin and Michael forever on that night. The only way I survived it was by waking the next morning and figuratively nailing my mask in place so that it would never slip off again.
Sadly, I have to admit that it would have probably never been removed if not for the insane bombing of Babylon. The very thing that destroyed so many lives, actually saved mine. The very thought that Justin would die without ever knowing that I loved him more than life itself was enough to propel me to finally melt away both the mask and the wall around my heart. Even if I was too late, I no longer cared if I was taking a risk by declaring my true feelings. I had to let Justin know that he was the only one I wanted and he always would be. Even when it looked like he didn't trust the validity of my declaration, at least for the long haul, I wasn't giving up this time. I still can't believe I was able to convince him finally.
All that is left for us to do now is get past this one last hurdle. The night before the pre-nuptial party I came very close to making one last foolish mistake. Actually both of us came close to making the biggest mistake of all. Somehow we had let others influence how we were dealing with the huge changes coming our way. Justin began to feel that he was losing the Brian Kinney he had fallen in love with because I was trying too hard to be what I thought he wanted. I began to feel that I was keeping Justin from achieving his greatest goals in life out of my selfish need to have him close by. Perhaps Justin and I will always get our signals crossed from time to time, but I made up my mind today that it wasn't going to stop us from having what we both desired most...to be a couple.
Justin is coming over this evening to say goodbye before boarding his plane for New York City. He doesn't know it yet, but I'm not keeping my true thoughts to myself any longer. That includes what I really think about him leaving. If he still thinks it is best that he leave, then I'll be on my way to the Big Apple as soon as I have made the right arrangements for my businesses, loft, and house. If he decides to stay here, I'll make sure every door that can be, will be open to him as the talented artist he is. I'll never let him feel a moment of regret for letting me into his life. I have the ring ready. All I need is the finger to slip it on, with or without a ceremony. Tonight's the night.
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Justin's POV:
It's so perfect. I like the way the ring shines on my finger under the pale lights above the bed. Five years...five long years full of pain and pleasure, full of joy and sorrow, full of laughter and tears. Would I give up a single moment of those years? Are you insane? Alright, I'll admit there are some things I would avoid, like getting my head bashed in and choosing Ethan over Brian for those few months, but overall...no, I wouldn't have it any other way. I have Brian and I know now that he has loved me for a long time. Tonight he touched me in the same places on my body that he has touched countless times before, but it felt different this time. Now I know what they mean when they say...two souls become one. Brian is still Brian and I'm still Justin. We are still our individual selves, but we have melted into one heart. It beats for us both. Tonight we cling together on our bed. Tomorrow we will plan our futures. We don't know where it will all lead, but the one thing that there is no question of...Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor are united...forever!
Not The End...Only The Beginning
