Why, You Ask, Do I Love Justin?

My name is Brian Kinney, and I have a story to tell you.  It is all about a twink who sauntered into my life one day and took it over, without so much as a please and thank you.  Okay, I lie!  This twink, who goes by the name of Justin Taylor, did say please.  As a matter of fact, he said it more times than I can count, but not always exactly in those words.  You see, I didn't let him into my life, or my heart, that easily.  He had to fight me tooth and nail to gain entrance.  And even when he had wormed his way inside, I still fought him off.  He was a pest... a persistent little devil who couldn't seem to take 'go away, little boy' as an answer.  So you ask me, why do I love him so much?  Okay, let me try to explain.

It is all tied up in a past that happened long before Justin came into the picture... even before Justin was born.  It started with my family.  'Family'!  What an odd name to give those people.  They didn't know the meaning of the word, so what right did they have to claim it?  No, family was what I had with my best friend and his people.  I met Michael Novotny when we were still in grammar school.  Our friendship continued all through middle school and high school, and on into adulthood.  He was such a nice kid, but easily bullied.  I, on the other hand, was neither one.  We are very different, but we do have one very important thing in common.  We are both queers.  That made us easy targets for bullies, but no one bullied Mikey a second time, or me, because I always made them regret it when they did.  As my reward for protecting Mikey, his mother and uncle took me to their hearts as if I was one of their own.  Damned good thing they did.  I might have eventually killed my asshole father if I hadn't had the Novotny clan to run to for moral support, whenever he or my mother treated me like I was dog shit on the bottom of their shoes.

But enough of them.  I seldom think of my parents, or my lame-ass sister and her brood anymore.  That has everything to do with Justin.  He made me realize I am not defined by my parents.  For instance, I have a son by my close friend, Lindsay.   (No, I didn't fuck her!  She and her partner, Melanie, used me as their sperm donor.)  I told the girls before we started that I wanted nothing to do with the child, outside of financially helping out when needed.  Why?  Because I was convinced I would be a lousy father, just like my old man.  It was Justin who made me see that my heart is not cold like Jack Kinney's.  Pretty damned good reason to love somebody, wouldn't you say?  This kid made me realize that I was worthy of being a parent, and being a part of Gus's life has been one of the biggest blessings in my life. 

So, let's see what other reason I have for loving Justin.  Well, how about the fact that he believes in me in every way, even when I'm accused of something that I wouldn't even consider doing, yet others suspect I'm capable of.  You want examples?  I can name two right off the top of my head.  This obnoxious jerk at work, Kip something-or-other, got pissed because I refused to promote him quicker than he deserved.  He figured since we are both gay, and I had fucked him, I owed him.  Hell, he flirted with me, not the other way around, naturally.  It was stupid on my part to mix business with pleasure, but I never said I was perfect.  When he didn't get his way, he sued me for sexual harassment.  The asshole could have cost me my job.  I know damned good and well that some of the Liberty gang thought I was capable of taking advantage of 'poor innocent' Kip.  Not Justin!  I didn't find out until years later, but it was Justin who set Kip up so he was forced to drop the asinine lawsuit.  Saved my reputation and my job, that kid did!  Example Number Two:  my own fucking nephew accused me of molesting him.  Why?  Because I caught the brat trying to steal from me and gave him a head dunking in the toilet for his troubles.  Who came to my rescue to force my idiot sister and mother to drop the charges against me?  Justin Taylor, of course.  He not only exposed the little bastard for the thief and liar he is, he even got my favorite shell bracelet back from my nephew.  And all this happened during the time that Justin and I were no longer having any kind of relationship. 

So, I ask you, wouldn't you consider those damned good reasons to love somebody?  He believes in me, and will risk anything to fight for me.  Justin was never just a lover.  Justin has always been a friend and supporter, no matter where we stood as a couple.

Now, speaking of fighting for me, let me tell you what happened when he realized that the fantasy boyfriend he left me for was only an illusion, and not the real thing.  He left me for another guy when I was unable to give him what he thought he needed to be fulfilled.  He could have moved on with his life when he left that jerk, who shall remain nameless, but instead he made up his mind that I was the real thing and he wanted me back.  I sure didn't make it easy on him, but Sunshine never gave up on me.  How can you not be in love with someone who believes in you even when you try to deny your feelings?  Don't misunderstand me.  He is no stalker.  If I hadn't been giving him mixed signals and I had been very clear that I no longer wanted him, he would have stepped away.  He didn't, because he saw right through me.  Because the truth was, I did still want him... badly.

That's it!  That's it in a nutshell.  Why do I love Justin?  Because Justin sees who I am, and loves me for all my imperfections.  He said it best the day he refused to allow me to throw him out of my life after my cancer scare.  I did throw him out of my place, but he returned... and damned if he hadn't grown bigger balls while we were apart!  When I tried to physically remove him from the loft, he knocked me down on my ass.  Then he picked me back up and laid into me with a tirade that pulled no punches.  He let me have it with both barrels for trying to shut him out when I needed him most.  He figured out why I did it... that I was insecure about him seeing me less than 'perfect'... that he would leave me for that.  That's when he told me straight to my face that losing a ball was the least of my imperfections, and that he had plenty of reasons to leave me but he was committed to me.

Therein lies the heart of why I love Justin.  I'm not just somebody he likes to fuck or enjoys spending a bit of time with.  I'm the man he loves and he is totally committed to me.  That word... commitment... once terrified me.  I wouldn't even have a pet because I wanted no ties to anything or anyone.  No, not even Mikey, which is one reason I never fucked him.  And now, thanks to Justin, I'm committed to my son, my friends, and Justin.  And I have no regrets!  That's me... a happily committed man with no regrets.  So, now do you understand why I love Justin Taylor?

End of Part One.....

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Why, You Ask, Do I Love Brian?

My name is Justin Taylor, and I understand that you are wondering why in the world I love a man like Brian Kinney.  Okay, I'll be happy to tell you.  I could give you the superficial reasons...  you know, the obvious ones.  For instance, just look at the man.  He's fucking gorgeous.  He is sex on two legs.  What self-respecting gay man wouldn't be attracted to someone who looks like Brian?  But that is such a minor part of what makes Brian attractive.  I won't deny that his body is made for loving, and for staring at.  It's an artist's dream.  Why do you think I've drawn countless pictures of him over the years?  But looks fade eventually.  I may be young, but I have a lot of common sense.  I know his looks won't carry him forever, even if Mikey tells him he'll always be young and beautiful.  No, a man has to have something more to offer if you want to spend your entire adult life with them.  Well, let me tell you, Brian does have a lot more to offer than his looks, even though I don't think he actually thought so before I came into his life.

It's interesting how someone can put on such a great act at being totally self-assured, when they are actually filled with doubts about their worth.  Brian is someone quite comfortable being who he is... a gay man with no sense of shame in being one.  That was not Brian's problem.  His problem was that he didn't really think he was worthy of being loved.  I blame his degenerate family for that.  They never made him feel good about himself.  It is one of the reasons he became such a success in business.  He had to prove to himself that his parents were wrong about him.  His vulnerability touched me somehow.  Maybe I'm simply one of those people who has to pick up strays to offer them a loving touch and a safe home.  And if ever a man needed somewhere to leave his heart so it would be safe from the cruelties of this world, it was Brian.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Naturally, I didn't see this vulnerable side of Brian at first.  That wasn't what I loved in the beginning.  I loved him in the beginning because he opened my eyes to the possibilities of being the best gay man I could be.  Even though I really wasn't ashamed of being gay, I was afraid I'd disappoint my parents if they knew.  I fell in love with Brian because I felt totally free to be who I was when I was with him.  In other words, I felt good about myself when I was with him.  It was later, when Brian was having doubts about his ability to be a worthy father to his son, that my heart opened up to Brian more.  It was about then I saw what he had been hiding from everyone he knew.  I caught that glimpse of the loving man he was inside that shell he'd built around himself to keep from being hurt.  You know what, though, I now realize that it was actually more of an infatuation with him during most of that first year I spent with him. 

So what made it change from infatuation to real love?  I think it began when that bastard, Hobbs, bashed my head in.  I can't remember all the details of that fateful night, even now, but I know that Brian cared enough about me to risk making a fool of himself by attending my Senior Prom and dancing with me in front of everyone.  What does that tell you about the man?  It tells me that his heart is ten times bigger than he's ever been given credit for.  Then, to top it off, Brian did whatever he could to bring me back to my old self, after Hobbs almost destroyed my future and put a fear in me that I'd never experienced before.  Brian wouldn't allow me to wallow in self-pity.  I fell deeper and deeper in love with him after that.  He supported me emotionally when I needed it most.  Of course I was in love with him. 

Now I'm going to say something you may not understand, but bear with me.  One reason I love him even more now than when I first fell for him is that he isn't perfect.  Who the fuck wants perfect?  Perfection is fantasy.  I want reality.  I wanted someone to argue with, and then make up with.  I wanted someone who would challenge me.  I'm not afraid of a challenge.  You learn and grow that way.  And boy, did Brian challenge me, and our relationship!  He had me on the ropes a few times... maybe a time or two too many, but it certainly made us stronger in the end.  I can name several times when he pushed me away.  The damned idiot made me work for it, didn't he?  He loved me so much, he was frightened of losing me.  So what did he do?  He pushed me out before I could leave him!  Like I said, he wasn't perfect.  In the end, however, he used the brains he was born with and realized that he could trust me with his heart.  And once he gave me that trust, it was completely and forever.  Now that I think about it, I think I also love him because he trusts me... and just as importantly, I know I can trust him.

Yes, I almost forgot to add one very important reason for loving Brian so much.  Brian is the most honest person I've ever known.  There is no bull-shit with Brian.  Even if you don't want to hear something, he'll give it to you straight.  Honesty is one hell of an aphrodisiac.  So, does that cover it well enough for you to understand why I can love such a complicated and difficult  man?  Life will never be boring with Brian Kinney.  I'll always have someone who believes in me... who trusts and respects me... and a man who challenges me.  And as an added bonus, I'll always have someone who will bring passion and pleasure into my life in ways that most people can only dream of.  He's all I'll ever need, to be the best gay man I can be.  I'll always love him for that!

End of Part Two.....

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Why, You Ask, Do I Love Nasir?

I am known as Agron, from East of the Rhine.  I lay title to many things in my lifetime... warrior, gladiator, rebel, brother, friend, rival, yet none bears importance like that of lover.  That title is only mine because of one man.  His name is Nasir.  I will break words with you, so that you will know the reason that position bears such meaning for me.

I am a man of great passions.  When I love, it is with a full heart.  Before Nasir, I had but one being who held status in my heart.  He was brother to me.  His name was Duro.  I was elder brother and tasked with his safe-keeping, by our parents, upon leaving home to fight the Romans.  We fell in battle and were taken prisoner.  Within a fortnight, we were sold as slaves to the house of Batiatus.  Quintus Batiatus was Lanista of the ludus, where we trained like dogs to become gladiator champions of the arena.  Duro and I did not find glory in fighting for Roman pleasure.  We were willing to risk all to regain our freedom.  Our primary champion, Spartacus, offered hope of reaching such a lofty goal.  And in the end, we did succeed, but at great cost.  Duro died in my arms, taking a Roman blade meant for me.

Those who knew me after the rebellion would find cause to doubt that I once held merriment and humor close to heart.  Duro's death destroyed that part of me.  I lived on, but for only one goal... to spill as much Roman blood as my blade could draw.  And spill blood, I did, with great success.  Yet, each Roman I sent to the afterlife did not ease my thirst for vengeance.  I fear that only my own death would end the darkness of my soul.  Then, the taking of a single villa brought light and laughter back to my world.  Peace dwelled in the form of a simple slave, a young lad who thought himself more Roman, than his true heritage as Syrian.  Even the name he answered to, Tiberius, was Roman.  Yet the light he carried within him was almost extinguished before I even recognized it.  I will explain.

Nasir saw us as enemy, not liberator, on that first night we entered the villa.  The taking of the life of his Dominus brought fear.  In dead of night, he struck at Spartacus.  His blade missed its mark.  Crixus and I advised Spartacus to dispatch the 'wild dog' to the afterlife, preventing further attack.  Spartacus saw potential in Nasir.  His eyes are sharper than ours... blessed be the gods.  Doubt still lived within me, but something intangible kept drawing me to where he was.  My eyes often fell upon him when training under tutelage of Spartacus himself.  In time, I too saw potential... as a warrior for the cause.  I did not question reasons for seeking him out, when wishing for conversation became my habit.  I did not question why finding his eyes smiling at me caused strange flutterings in my chest.  I did not question why there was a need to lay hand upon his shoulder or cheek when making a point.  Only the near loss of him opened my eyes.  It was then that questions, never asked, became answers understood.  Nasir was no longer only friend, but now my heart.

Now, I shall speak of why he became my heart.  Nasir is a man of honor.  His word is truth, always.  Nasir is a man of patience.  I, myself, tested the limits of his patience.  When I doubted his word, he did not strike back, even when provoked.  He is wise.  He turned my distrust back on me, sealing my role as fool.  He is brave.  When anger loosened my tongue and spewed commands as one would to a slave, he did not flinch with tail tucked between legs.  He stood up to me, with words full of wisdom.  He is kind, gentle, and forgiving.  When jealousy ruled my actions, he soothed my fears.  He is generous.  Nasir gives all of himself to me.  When we fuck, it is with minds as well as bodies.  Why do I love Nasir?  Because Nasir is the best of me.  I will always be a man of short temper.  I will always live with guilt for my part in the loss of my brother.  But with Nasir at my side, I will always see the dark clouds part and feel the sun upon my face.  My final word... Nasir holds my heart as I hold his, safe forever in this life, and into the next.  That is reason enough to love Nasir.

End of Part Three.....

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Why, You Ask, Do I Love Agron?

Greetings, friend.  I go by the name of Nasir, the name given at my birth.  I make mention of this as that was not the name that once I answered to.  I became slave to the Romans while yet a mere child of tender years.  Memories of my homeland or my people were lost to me through time.  My Dominus shackled me with the name, Tiberius.  I cared not what name was mine, until the day the chains of slavery were struck.  Nay, it was not that day, but soon after that I took back my birthright... the name my brother called out to me when last I saw him, for his was the last face I saw of any kin to me.  The one who inspired desire in me to claim ownership of my Syrian name is Agron, the man who holds my heart.  You wish to know rationale for this declaration of love for the man?

There is no rationality in love.  It stands ethereal at times... an intangible evasive thing refusing to be defined.  At other times it stands solid... a sturdy, substantial rock that refuses to be crushed.  With a man such as Agron, love appears to be an irrational thought, on the surface of it.  If the man had his way, I would have been sent to the afterlife the very day we met.  Agron is not a man to forgive effortlessly.  On that day, I sought to take the life of Spartacus, a man who stood as brother to Agron.  Later, I understood the depth of Agron's disgust over my deed.  Any man who was loved as brother to Agron would have brought such feelings to the surface.  Spartacus stood highest to all others in Agron's eyes.  For this reason, that day should have been the death of even friendship between us.  This is where the intangible becomes a part of our story.   

Agron was drawn to me, as a moth to the flame.  We broke words... once, twice, thrice.  Agron began to seek me out.  Over time, he exposed more of who the man truly was... the part of him kept buried under layers of anger, hatred, and vengeance, which served as shields to guard his heart.  My eyes saw the fierce loyalty that ruled his actions.  Even in disagreement with Spartacus, he stood by his side.  My ears heard the protective part of Agron that also ruled his actions, even to a fault.  We fell to disagreement on a matter of great importance.  Together, we learned of the survival of Naevia, lover to Crixus.  Agron chose to keep secret our knowledge.  Agron did not wish I or others should die in vain attempt to bring her out of bondage.   I betrayed our secret.  For a man of his nature, that is cause enough to end a friendship.  It did not.  He granted forgiveness... a clue to the place I held in his esteem.  I believe love took root in my heart that day. 

But still you ask for more of why I love the man?  Loyalty and protectiveness are not enough, you conclude.  I will give voice to more, gladly.  Agron is gentle.  Do not scorn my words!  You have not been touched by the man.  His hands wield weapons meant to draw blood... to dismember and gouge chunks of flesh from bone.  But those hands also lay on skin with tenderness... caress my face as one would a tender babe.  Those hands hold, in close embrace, my body as I tremble in euphoria when he possesses me.  That is the physical side of our love.  There is the emotional, much less easy to define.  Respect... yes, that holds sway over my heart as much as any other attribute Agron claims as his.  The man respects me.  He takes pride in me.  What man does not seek such a thing from one he gives his heart to?  He listens to me when I challenge his words and actions.  Once, and only once, he let himself be consumed with fear and doubt of my purpose in friendship with another.  When I accosted him on his behavior, he did not let ego stand in our way.  The displeasure that loosened our bond, vanished.  We became of a single mind again, and are to this very day. 

So, why do I love Agon?  Why do we humans breathe air?  Why do we seek water to quench our thirst?  Why do we fill our bellies with food each day?  To live, my friend... to survive!  I love Agron to survive, because without him, my heart would cease to beat within my chest.  Even if the gods drove him to the afterlife, I would still love him.  That is the reason any man loves another, whether it be another man or a woman.  Without them living in their heart, they die.  That is my answer.  Gratitude for asking.  And may the gods grant you love... a love like ours.

The End