I Won't Send Roses

I won't send roses....Or hold the door....I won't remember.....Which clothes you wore

My heart is too much in control.....The lack of romance in my soul.....Will turn you grey, kid.....So stay away, kid.

Forget my shoulder.....When you're in need.....Forgetting birthdays....Is guaranteed.

And should I love you, you would be....The last to know....I won't send roses.....And roses suit you so.

My pace is frantic....My temper's cross....With words romantic....I'm at a loss

I'd be the first one to agree....That I'm preoccupied with me....And it's inbred, kid....So keep your head, kid.

In me you'll find things....Like guts and nerve....But not the kind of things.....That you deserve.

And so while there's a fighting chance....Just turn and go....I won't send roses....And roses suit you so.

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Brian sat back against the cushions of his couch and surveyed his tiny kingdom...his empty noiseless neat-as-a-pin kingdom. There were no sketches laid out on top of desks and fallen to the floor. There were no dirty glasses sitting in the sink. There were no jeans plopped on the bedroom floor or damp towels dangling from the clothes hamper instead of neatly tucked down into it. There was only one toothbrush sitting in the stand. There was no toothpaste tube left out with the cap too loose. There was no sound coming from the kitchen of a young blond experimenting with a new recipe he had discovered over the internet that he just had to try out on his boyfriend. It had been that way for a little while now, ever since Justin walked out of the loft with his bags in hand, but Brian still hadn't adjusted to the difference it made in his life.

Brian was back to where he had been pre-Justin and he had done his best to convince himself that it was fine with him. He had his setbacks, like the time he drunkenly confronted Michael when he discovered that Justin was staying at Casa Bruckner/Novotny, but he had reached a point where he was at least able to run into Justin and not appear to be aching inside just to touch him. He had almost, but not quite, succeeded with the delusion until the fucking bomb blast. That bomb had torn away far more than people's lives and security and the inside of Brian's club. It had torn away all the pretenses that Brian had been living under since losing Justin for the final time. Brian went to the hospital for Mikey's sake but his mind kept returning to Justin who had thankfully survived the bombing with nothing more than scratches.

When Brian returned to the devastated club later that night and found Justin still there, he couldn't hold back his heart any longer. Brian's only thought was to make sure that Justin knew exactly how he truly felt about him. Even if Justin told him to go to hell he had to be totally honest with the only man who had ever touched his soul. When he whispered 'I love you' in Justin's ear, it was louder in Brian's head than the sound of a thunder clap. Justin's quiet reaction seemed almost out of sync with such a monumental declaration, but the way that Justin melted into his arms and kissed him deeply gave Brian hope that Justin did 'get it'...that he understood what this really meant in the grand scheme of things. He made sure that his driver got Justin safely home while he stayed behind to deal with the police investigation and help Ted handle the aftermath of the trauma.

Early the next morning, after spending the entire night at the club, he saw Justin at the hospital waiting like everyone else to hear the word on Mikey's condition. Finally the doctor came out and announced that he was cautiously optimistic about Mikey's chances for a full recovery. Brian had wanted to talk to Justin very badly but the young man had slipped away before Brian realized he had left. Brian looked down at his filthy clothes and realized that he needed to get home too. He wanted nothing more than to wash away the dirt and filth the bombing had left on him. He had spent a lot of the previous night going over what he had told Justin and how he should follow up on that. He was slowly coming to the conclusion that he needed to do more to make his intentions perfectly clear to Justin. He had spent nearly five years denying the depth of his feelings for his young lover and he knew it would take something bold and daring to convince Justin completely of the deep sincerity of his love. He wanted to be cleaned up when he followed through on the crazy plan that he had hatched somewhere during the grueling night.

Brian got a call from Cynthia that almost everyone from Kinnetik planned on coming in to the office as a form of defiance to those that would take such an evil action so Brian decided to first stop by his office in support of his loyal employees. His next stop was at Justin's apartment. It was there that his world shattered and this time he wasn't so sure it would ever be repaired. He had found Justin busy painting, a sight Brian had missed seeing at the loft far more than he cared to admit. The blond was so calm...so collected. Brian felt that deep well of respect for Justin that he had carried around almost from the beginning of knowing the young man. As he walked about the dingy room Justin called home, he was awed by the artist's demeanor. He looked at the young man and saw just how much of a wonderful, independent man he had become. It only reinforced his need to tell Justin what he had come for.

Brian pulled Justin, paint can in hand, into his arms but was surprised by the immediate reaction. Justin didn't drop everything and melt into his arms like he had done the night before. He didn't even seem to want to be close to him, pulling back with some lame excuse of getting paint on Brian's clothes. Brian didn't let that stop him. He reminded Justin of his declaration the night before, but again was taken by surprise by the young man's response. Justin admitted he had heard those three little words but still pulled away. Brian knew it was time to go further. He launched into his plan immediately. "How about, marry me" he asked, expecting to see that magical smile on his lover's face.

The smile, or more the laugh, was there but what came next threw Brian for a loop. Justin accused him of being ridiculous! When Brian had tried adamantly to make Justin understand he meant it, the young man threw back every logical reason in the world for him to not believe a word of it. He used Brian's rhetoric against him and the aim was perfect, piercing Brian to the core of his being. Brian's protestations that he had changed his mind about love and marriage fell on deaf ears. Justin simply didn't believe him, and the worse part of it was that Brian understood why he felt that way. The last words he said to Brian was...'Thank you, but No!'

After that Brian had simply gone through the motions. He had never allowed himself to feel depressed about anything, even his family's shitty treatment of him. He had always used his favorite coping mechanisms to deal with those disappointments in life. But for the life of him, he couldn't think of how to cope with the loss of Justin, the very real loss he was feeling more deeply now than ever before. After all the ups and downs of their relationship he had somehow convinced himself that their connection would never be completely broken, although he had never admitted that to anyone else...not even himself. This time he had taken the ultimate step to put them back together for good and it had been rejected. There was no getting around that. Now he sat in his loft alone once he had ushered Mother Taylor out the door after telling her to put his loft up for sale. He knew he couldn't stay in this place that was filled with so many memories of Justin...not if he was never going to have him back in his arms again.

His mind traveled back to all the countless magical and painful moments he had spent in this place with the cute blond twink he had picked up so long ago. He thought back to all the times that he had been too self-absorbed to notice Justin. He thought of the times that Justin had all but begged him to show a little romance...just a simple thing like a candlelit picnic for two on the floor instead of another wild night out at Babylon. He realized that he always had to be the one in control of things and almost every thing they did was his choice and seldom Justin's. He had been there for Justin with big things, like a loan to help him go to PIFA, but those were monetary things. He never paid any attention to Justin's emotional needs, like his desperate cry for Brian to assure him that he really was the most important person in his life and more than enough man to satisfy him.

Brian remembered all those times that Justin just wanted to slow down a little and take a breath...times he wanted to get away, just the two of them. It always seemed to be something that Brian couldn't make time for even when it was not his fault. He thought of the times that he lost his patience with Justin and the things he wanted and needed from his lover. He recalled his biggest mistakes when he had not included Justin in the most important parts of his life, like the time he got so angry at Justin simply because the young man found out about his bout with cancer. He had the guts to handle the problem on his own but Justin deserved the right to take care of him...to show him how much he cared. Brian had robbed Justin of that and it had almost cost him the young man's love once more.

Thinking of how he had come so close to losing Justin during the cancer debacle forced Brian to remember the worse few months of his life when he really did lose Justin for a time thanks to the infamous Fiddler. That would never have happened if Brian had not been such an asshole over a simple thing like Justin's upcoming birthday. He could have thought more about Justin's need to spend such a special day with the man he loved, but he failed to do it. He had been shamed by Lindsay when she and Mel came to pick up Justin for the concert at the school and that was how he met Ian Whatshisname. It would never have happened if he had been more thoughtful. But then he had hired a hustler for Justin to enjoy after the concert. Yeah right...that had gone over well. Brian sensed right away that Justin wasn't that thrilled but he had closed his mind to the very idea that it would go unappreciated. Mel, of course, had to bring it up later at the home improvement store. She challenged him about not doing something romantic instead of buying a man for the night. He had brushed it off, reminding her that they weren't married or straight.

When Brian reached the point of remembering that night, the image of him stopping at the small flower stand on the street flashed through his mind. He could recall actually picking up the bundle of roses from the cart and momentarily picturing himself handing them to Justin. He knew even then that it would have made a world of difference for Sunshine. Justin would have believed in their mutual love for one another with that simple gesture and that was exactly why he didn't dare follow through back then. Roses! No way could he make such a bold statement. it would make a lie of almost all the fervent claims Brian had been drilling into Justin's head from the very first day they met. How could he possibly continue to claim that he didn't believe in love or romance with such a gesture. No...he had to put down the roses and walk away. No wonder Justin didn't believe in Brian's declarations of love and marriage now. What could he base such a belief on? Nothing! He had proven repeatedly that he truly cared about Justin and the young man did trust in that, but not so far as to trust that it extended to a love forever after scenario.

As Brian looked all about him, something hit him like a bolt of lightning. Why the fuck hadn't he thought of this before. All Justin had ever really longed for from Brian was the simplest of gestures....a sign that would show how deep his love really was. The Fiddler had offered those things to Justin, false though they may have been, but it was the thing that touched Justin the most. Justin was a romantic at heart and had been from day one. Justin didn't need any grand gestures or pretty words from Brian. It was words that had hurt them the most. He needed a simple gesture to show that his heart was in the right place...that he had truly changed. He simply needed to do something that the old Brian would never have considered doing.

With that thought in mind, Brian placed a call to Justin's cell. When the young man answered, Brian asked Justin to come over on the weekend. Justin was wary. He was already thrown by Brian's behavior. He had wanted to believe every word Brian spoke but he was too afraid that once the bombing had faded from memory, Brian would begin to regret his lapse in judgment. Justin simply couldn't handle another rejection of his needs by Brian, especially if it looked like he had finally won his lover over to his way of thinking at last. But there was something just shy of pleading in Brian's voice this time and Justin had always had trouble turning Brian down when he used that tone. He decided he would go but he would not set his expectations too high. That way he couldn't be hurt by anything Brian pulled.

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Brian took one last look around his loft. It had taken a little effort but he approved of what he saw. He had an area of his living room all set up almost identical to the romantic scene Justin had arranged on that night so long ago when the blond had all but begged his lover to stay home and have a romantic indoor picnic. The entire area was bathed in warm candlelight and a beautiful silken cloth covered the floor in the circle of light. There was a picnic basket with fruit, a large loaf of crusty French bread, aromatic cheeses, chocolates, and champagne spilling out of it. A nearby bowl was filled with whipped cream, just waiting for the fresh strawberries to be dipped in it. Two beautiful champagne flutes of fine crystal stood next to a bowl filled with rose petals. The aroma of the flowers and food filled the air. Brian had spent hours online searching for the perfect flutes to buy. Each tall glass ended at the top of the stem with five silver plated hearts interlocking downwards to the bottom where they rested on the crystal base. Two initials, B and J. were intertwined in gold etching on the glasses themselves. Brian had spared no expense in having the work done and getting it delivered quickly.

The best surprise was yet to come, but only if Justin didn't run out into the night screaming before it arrived. The way he had acted when Brian proposed made the poor man very unsure of himself. All he wanted in this life was to prove to Justin that he cared about his needs too and would do anything to make him happy. Now, as he sat waiting for Justin to show up, Brian could feel his nerves becoming raw. He had never had such a case of anxiety before. He knew his entire future rested on Justin's reaction tonight. Brian knew that this was his last chance to make a believer of Justin...a believer that he had changed a hundred and eighty degrees from the old Brian. He knew that if this tactic didn't work he would be condemned to a very lonely life because he would never open his heart to another man the way he had Justin. It was as simple as that.

Just when he thought he couldn't take another moment of the uncertainty, the knock came. Brian sent a quick plea heavenward and moved to the door. He slid it open. Justin stood in the door frame. He could barely see inside. The place was darker than usual, except for a pool of light coming from the living area. Before he could say anything, Brian spoke up.

"I'm glad you came Justin. I was afraid I might have scared you away for good the other day," Brian used his most charming smile as he spoke.

"I could never be afraid of you Brian. You know that. I would trust you with my life."

"Just not your heart," Brian interrupted. " And who can blame you. After all the bullshit I've been spouting all these years about love and marriage who would want to take a chance on me. But Justin, the very determination I've used all these years to avoid those things are the very reason I should be trusted now."

Justin's face showed his doubt. "And how do you figure that?"

"Because as fervently as I fought against love and marriage, now that I know it is what I really want, that's how fervently I'll fight for them. I wracked my brain on how to prove to you I've changed. I want you to understand that I will do anything...say anything...to prove to my man that I want to be with him always on whatever terms he...you choose. I know that you are not into things as proof of how one truly feels. You're more of a gesture kind of guy, so I can only hope that this gesture will make you a believer in my love....not just until things calm down, but forever."

With that Brian grabbed Justin's hand and led him into the area that had been so carefully prepared for this moment. Justin's eyes widened. It was like a fairy tale. The setting was even more beautiful than anything he had experienced or imagined before. It was a thousand times better than anything Ethan had ever come up with simply because it had obviously come from Brian's heart. Justin allowed Brian to lower him to the cushions that waited for them and waited for the man to join him. Brian quickly opened the bottle of champagne and poured the golden liquid into the waiting glasses. It was then that Justin saw how elegant the crystal flutes were. Brian saw Justin staring at the glass as he handed one over.

"There are five hearts in the stem...one for every year that I've known you."

Justin felt tears sting the back of his eyes. He recalled the time that a couple they had played with asked how long they'd been together. Justin had counted from the first day they met while Brian counted from the day they got back together. Here he was acknowledging their relationship from day one. It made Justin's heart leap with a tentative sense of hope. Brian interrupted his thoughts.

"I saw your mom the other day. I've put the loft up for sale. I think we should start all over as a couple. We will find a place together that suits us both. I don't need a 'fuck pad' anymore Sunshine...not if you agree to marry me."

Before Brian could say anything more, they heard a knock on the door. Justin felt irritated. How dare someone interrupt the magic spell that Brian was slowly weaving around the two of them. He looked at Brian and saw a wide grin spread all over his face. Justin felt confused for only a moment.

"Come in," Brian yelled out loudly.

The door slid open and Justin's mouth fell open. Six. men stood outside the door, each with a huge bouquet of roses in their arms. They stepped inside one at a time. Each bouquet was of a different color. They marched in and bent down one by one to hand Justin a bouquet.

"For the first year," stated the first young man with the yellow roses.

"For the second year," stated the second with the white roses.

"For the third year," stated the third with the deep crimson roses.

"For the fourth year," stated the fourth with the pink roses.

"For the fifth year," stated the fifth with the orange roses.

"For all the years to come," stated the final young man as he handed down the bouquet of fire engine red roses.

Brian handed each man a large bill as they passed him on their way back to the front door. Once the last one had exited he closed the door behind him. Brian watched Justin's face, which was barely visible with his lap full of all the dozens of roses. Brian could clearly hear a sniffle coming from over the roses.

"Allergies," Justin announced as he sniffled. Brian smiled. "You really do mean it, don't you?" Brian smiled wider. Justin paused and then..."Yes!"

Brian wasn't sure he'd heard right. "Yes, what?"

Justin laid aside the flowers and scooted closer to Brian so he cold reach up to hold his lover's face.

"Yes, I'll marry you. Any non-romantic guy who can send roses to make his point is a man I have no intention of losing."

The roses, the champagne, the candlelight, the picnic were all forgotten as the two lovers embraced. Their passion was slow and easy...comfortable in the knowledge that it would last forever. They had all the time in the world. The candlelight flickered off their skin as they sealed their pact to become one in the eyes of all who mattered to them. Brian would never claim again that he would not ever send roses. They would be married and nothing would ever tear them apart for the rest of their lives.

The End