*Knock, Knock, Knock*

“Justin you need to get up or you’ll be late,” I hear my Grandmother call through my haze of sleep. After taking a moment to stretch and a glance at the clock, I reluctantly stumbled out of bed to give her a proper good morning.

“Morning grandma, is there any coffee?” I asked which earned me a look of reprimand for having a caffeine fetish at such a young age. It’s been a daily ritual since I moved in with her a year ago. Every morning I ask for coffee and every morning she scolds me and says “No healthy seventeen year old should need help in the energy department.” But she gives it to me anyway and today is no different.

We sit at the table in silence for a while as she reads the morning newspaper, I can tell she wants to talk, but I have no interest in the subject she has in mind.  It’s Wednesday and that only means one thing…a visit from my mother. I really have no desire to see her being that she is part of the reason I’m here with Grandma Annie in the first place.  I do give her credit though for at least giving the impression that she gives a fuck about me. My father on the other hand, he could give a fuck less about me or my wellbeing and let me just say, the feeling is completely mutual.

It’s not just the visit from dear old mom that I’m dreading, it’s the accompanied visit with the social worker that has me all fucked up. I still remember the day I walked into my house and saw Diane Harris (my overbearing social worker) sitting on my couch

                                   One year earlier (1992)

I had just finished lunch and was on my way to Geometry when Dean Scott stopped me in the hall.

“Justin, I need to speak to you in my office, don’t worry about being late you’ll be excused.”

I couldn’t imagine what I’d done to warrant a visit to the dean’s office.  My first thought was that it had something to do with my recent coming out.  Dwight D. Eisenhower High was a fairly conservative school whose student body was mainly made up of the children of the local doctors, lawyers and other pillars of the community in Decatur, Illinois.  Needless to say the resident fairy was as welcome on campus as a kid in a kissing booth with mono.

“Am I in some kind of trouble, sir?”  I managed to ask once my ability to speak had returned.

“No, not at all Justin but it is very important that I speak with you now.”

I could sense the urgency in his voice and it did nothing to quell my nerves. I nodded and followed him to his office. Once we arrived he offered me a seat in one of the ridiculously uncomfortable plastic chairs he had lined up against the wall. He then sat down behind his desk and cleared his throat before he proceeded to speak.

“Justin, there’s been an incident regarding your parents.”

Holy shit! I never expected this to be about my parents.

“What about my parents? Are they hurt?”

“No….” I could tell Dean Scott was reluctant to tell me but didn’t have a choice in the matter, so he took a deep breath and continued.

“They’ve been arrested. Apparently your father has been dealing drugs to support his business and hiding it in your home.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I just sat there staring, feeling every ounce of color drain from my face. I knew my dad could be an asshole, he practically kicked me out when I told him I was gay but this….I didn’t think that the fucker would stoop so low and what did my mother have to with it anyway?

“If my dad was dealing the drugs, what the hell does my mother have to do with any of this?”

Dean Scott gave me a look that said ‘watch your fucking mouth’ and I lowered my eyes in apology.

“Calm down! The police just took her in for questioning I’m sure she’ll be fine. In the meantime, I’m sending you home; your grandmother should be there to meet you.” He gave me a sympathetic smile as handed me a campus pass to go home.

I walked back to my locker to put the books I wouldn’t need away before going home. I was standing there so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t realize I had company.

“Earth to Justin…” my best friend Daphne sing-songed to me.

“Oh, sorry Daph I didn’t notice you there.”

“Gee thanks a lot; it’s so nice to know I have the power of invisibility.”  Her smartass remark was totally lost on me as my mind drifted back to my parents.

How the fuck did he hide it all this time? What’s going to happen to my mother? What’s going to happen to me?

I brought myself out of my musings and turned to Daphne deciding not to insult her further with my justifiable distant attitude.

“Daph, I have to go home I can’t tell you about it now but I promise that we’ll talk later.”

“Oh my god! Justin, is everything alright?” I could see the worry and concern etched on her face and wished I could tell her everything was fine, but I still wasn’t too sure of that myself.

“Shit, I sure hope so,” I offered giving her a quick hug and kiss on the cheek before closing my locker and then heading for the double doors to exit the building.

“You better fucking call me Justin.” Daphne yelled after me as I walked away. Once I got outside I literally ran the seven block distance from the school to my house, but the closer I got the more nervous I began to feel about what I might see. I had visions of police tape, fingerprint dust and general destruction everywhere, so imagine my surprise when I walked in to see my grandmother sitting on the sofa with a rather large but kind looking black woman. As she stood and offered her hand to formally introduce herself, I gave a weak smile and out of common courtesy offered my hand as well.

“Hello Justin, My name is Diane Harris and I’m a social worker with DCFS. I know you have lots of questions, and I promise I’ll do my best to answer each one as truthfully as possible.”

I nodded in understanding as she began to read what appeared to be the police report detailing the charges associated with my parent’s arrest. After sufficiently perusing the report, Diane retrieved a legal pad and pen from her attaché case and started to ask questions.

During her initial visit, Diane asked about everything from what we ate for dinner every night to how my grades were in school.  In fact she was so thorough in her need to gather information, that I was surprised she didn’t ask me how often I shaved my balls.  She also explained that my mom was being charged with obstruction of justice because of her unwillingness to “turn her back” on her husband.  With most of the pieces of the puzzle in place, there was only one logical question to ask.

“What happens now Mrs. Harris?” I asked calmly

“Well Justin…” my grandmother started “You’re going to stay with me until this mess gets sorted out.”

To say I wasn’t thrilled by this little newsflash would be an understatement. I love my Grandma dearly but I couldn’t fathom spending an extended amount of time in her care.  Diane tried to reassure me that it would only be a temporary arrangement, but needless to say here I am a year later waiting for my grandmother to start begging me to give my mother another chance.

“Justin you know your mom…” she says her face hidden by her newspaper.

“Grandma, I don’t want to see her. Now can we please not talk about this?” I retort as I get up from the table and head back to my room to get ready for school.

“She’s still your mother and she still loves you.” She calls after me but I don’t bother to respond.

As I began to get dressed I stood there staring at myself  in the mirror asking  how could my mother  just allow my father to fuck up our lives like this? Why didn’t she fight for her freedom or for me for that matter? The fact that I cry myself to sleep every night feeling unwanted and ashamed is completely lost on her due to the fact that she is not around to see it. I had to accept the fact that she’d chosen to give up her rights and it hurt like hell.  I closed my eyes to push back the tears that threatened to spill at the thought and recited the serenity prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The serenity prayer was never a part of my life until I started attending ALATEEN. ALATEEN is like a twelve step program for the children of addicts and alcoholics. We meet in groups and share our feelings and explain how we came to be there in short….it’s pretty much boring shit. It’s funny what you become dependent on when you’re forced to participate in activities against your will.

At school my concentration level was for shit. My math teacher Mr. Rents issued numerous threats of detention, Mrs. Lauderdale had taken away my lunch hour, not to mention being smacked in the face by a badminton racket and knocked on my ass during gym class.

“Taylor, are you alright?” Mr. Watson asked as he helped me to my feet.

“Yeah, sure I just wasn’t paying very much attention I guess,” I chuckled as I rubbed both my sore ass and the bridge of my nose.

“Okay, I’ll go and get some ice for you.” He smiled, and it was at this precise moment that Daphne walked in and wanted to talk. I hadn’t really been communicating with her lately because I didn’t want to invite her to my fucking pity party.

“I don’t believe it…..it’s the infamous Justin Taylor, can I pleeeaasssee have your autograph.”

“Cut the shit Daph.”

“Okay I’ll get right to the point then, WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN!!!!” Ouch, one could always count on Daphne to have a fire up her ass when she was pissed off.

“I’ve just been dealing with a lot of shit lately Daph, it’s nothing personal.”

“Well how about coming over tonight and watching a movie with me, we can talk then.” Daphne stated.

“I can’t Daph, I’m sorry. I have to go to this fucking ALATEEN meeting tonight….can I take a rain check?” Although she wasn’t thrilled, she agreed that we would get together over the weekend to catch up and have that much needed talk. God I love that girl.

Later that evening, I avoided having to see my mother by having my youth advocate Cynthia Spannus come to get me early for my meeting. We made the short drive to St Thomas in companionable silence. Once we arrived, Cynthia parked the car and turned to me with a puzzled expression.

“I’ll be here to pick you up at 9:30 as usual but I have to ask you, why did you want to come so early?”

I couldn’t very well tell her I was using her to get away from my bitch of a mother, so I told a little white lie instead.

“I thought that Blake might need some help setting up.” I was relieved when she nodded in acceptance and with that, I exited the car and headed into the building. I walked down two flights of stairs to the room where our meeting was to be held. Upon approaching the doorway, I noticed Blake setting up the chairs and starting a pot of coffee but he wasn’t alone. He was with a tall brunet young man with from what I could see was a very nice body. He had the hottest ass I had ever seen and I really wanted to get a good look at his face. I stood rooted to the spot I was standing in and when he slowly turned around and faced me my breath caught in my throat.

‘My god he’s beautiful’ was the first thought that came to my mind. I must have been staring into his haunting hazel eyes for some time, because I didn’t even notice he was speaking to me.

“Hello….earth to blondie, I said can I help you?”   I wanted to say hell yeah you can help me by bending me over the nearest surface and fucking me senseless. But as we were in a church, I kept my deviant thoughts to myself.

“Uh, no I’m here for the meeting. My name is Justin by the way.” I managed to say hoping that my nervousness wasn’t shining through.

“Nice to meet you Justin.  I’m Brian, Brian Kinney.”

My body instantly responded just to the sound of his voice, and I knew right then and there that I was truly fucked. I also had the feeling that my ALATEEN meetings were about to get a whole lot more interesting than I originally thought.

“So what’s your story Justin, why are you here?” Wow, this kid didn’t waste any time going straight to final jeopardy did he? I started to answer his question but then I thought, what the fuck made Brian think he had the right to ask me something so personal? We’d barely said hello to each other for fucks sake and all of a sudden he wanted to know my life story? Well I figured two could play that game.

“Why don’t you tell me your story first Brian,” I said trying to sound more confident than I really was. “Why are you here?” He looked at me with a smirk and stated simply “There’s not much to tell really, my mom and dad are fucking drunks end of story.”  

The hurt and pain I saw in his eyes told me that it wasn’t quite as simple as he would have me believe.  Even with me being in my own fucked up situation, my heart still went out to him. I suddenly felt an overwhelming need to protect him, to offer him my support and understanding. I vowed right then and there to find out everything I could about the beautiful brunet. Brian’s voice pulled me from my thoughts as he moved close enough for me to feel his breath ghosting over my face and practically purred “I showed you mine; now it’s your turn Sunshine.” My mouth went dry and I could feel the color staining my face and tried to hide my embarrassment as well as the obvious bulge in my Bugle Boy’s (unsuccessfully I might add) I stood there paralyzed while Brian eye fucked me relentlessly waiting for me to say something, anything but my brain wouldn’t allow my lips to form the words. Damn, how can someone I barely know have such an affect on me? We were still standing in the doorway in awkward silence when Blake joined us a self- satisfied smile on his face. Unbeknownst to us, Blake had been watching the whole exchange from the make-shift coffee bar on the other side of the room.

“Justin I see you’ve met Brian.” I nodded absently curious as to what their connection was. Were they just friends, family, lovers perhaps? My heart sank to the pit of my stomach at the thought of the possibility of the latter. Fortunately for me, my curiosity wouldn’t last long. Blake explained that he was Brian’s youth advocate and this was his first time to a meeting. I didn’t even want to think about how ridiculously happy it made me to find out they weren’t involved romantically.  Although when I thought about it, Blake being Brian’s advocate made perfect sense. Blake could understand Brian on a level that would allow him the freedom to be open and honest about who he is. After all, they did share a lifestyle so he wouldn’t have to hide. Blake looked at his watch noting that the meeting was due to start in the next fifteen minutes.

“Why don’t you boys go grab a cup of coffee and have a seat, I have some paperwork to take care of before the rest of the group arrives,” Blake smiled and walked away. As we walked over to the seating area, Brian threw his arm over my shoulders after playfully swatting me on the ass and said “You’re not off the hook Blondie; you still haven’t told me anything about yourself.”  In all fairness he hadn’t disclosed much about himself either, so I decided to call him on his bullshit.

“You haven’t said much of anything either green eyes,” I spat with my hand on my hip. The little shit actually had the fucking nerve to laugh at me and it pissed me off something royally.

“And what the fuck is so funny?”

“You, you’re fucking adorable when you’re trying to be indignant.” I felt myself blush again and to make matters worse, the hard on I’d managed to will away was returning … great. At that point I wished the floor could open up and swallow me whole.

“I’m so glad I could entertain you asshole.”

“It could be even more entertaining if we weren’t here for this useless meeting,” he whispered. Whoa, where did that come from? At first I thought I was just imagining things thinking he was really flirting with me, but the soft smile and subtle wink he gave me assured me that it wasn’t all in my mind. I let out a nervous laugh and was relieved when I heard footsteps approaching in the hall. A few moments later, Blake walked back into the room with three other members of the group. Shortly thereafter the room started to fill pretty quickly making it unbearably noisy in the small space. When the rest of the group arrived, Blake started the meeting in the usual manner.

“For those of you, who are joining us for the first time, my name is Blake and I want to welcome you to ALATEEN. I know some of you feel that you shouldn’t be here because you aren’t the one with the problem, nothing could be further from the truth.” It was true, most of the participants felt as if they were being treated like they were the addicts, like they were the ones who had to spend countless hours in rehab to rid themselves of an illness they didn’t even want to admit they had.

“The whole purpose of ALATEEN, is to help to understand your abuser’s illness and to equip you with the tools and knowledge of how you can help them to rebuild their lives,” Blake continued.

“Let’s start by introducing ourselves, newest members first.” Brian who up until this point, had been sitting with a bored expression on his face suddenly looked as if he could kill. I inwardly laughed at his misfortune and my good luck because now I would find out a little more about the kid. Brian slowly rose from his seat and cleared his throat.

“Uh…I’m Brian,” the obligatory simultaneous “Hi Brian” echoed the room causing him to scowl in frustration.

“And why are you here Brian?” Blake asked trying his best to gently ease him through the process. “Because you made me come here Blake,” Brian said angrily. The room grew deathly silent as Blake and Brian stared each other down.

“Yes, but why did I bring you here Brian?” I pushed to the edge of my seat watching him run a nervous hand through his hair and waiting to hear what he would say next.

“Yes, but why did I bring you here Brian?” I pushed to the edge of my seat watching him run a nervous hand through his hair and waiting to hear what he would say next.

“I’m here because I’m a 19 year old, unwanted, worthless piece of shit who my fucking wino parents could give two fucks about. There, does that make you feel better?”

After Brian’s little declaration, he immediately stormed out of the room determined to get as far away from the meeting as possible. The air was filled with hushed murmurs of confusion as to why the “newbie” would have such a strong reaction in answering what they felt was a simple question. The fact of the matter was that it was a question that every single person in the room answered week, after week. Blake stood in front of the group desperately trying to gain back some sense of control but made no move to bring Brian back, which I found pretty strange.

“Blake….aren’t you going to go after him?” I asked once a little order was returned to the room.

“He’ll come back when he’s ready Justin; he just needs a little time.” He’d said it like it was no big deal; well I couldn’t just sit there while Brian was off wondering the halls possibly doing God knows what to himself. If Blake wasn’t going to go after Brian, I was.

“Well you can stand there and act as unconcerned as you fucking like, but I’m going to go find him.” I left my seat and made my way to the door without looking back or responding to Blake calling my name in the distance.

After searching the halls for what seemed like hours (but was really only about ten minutes) without finding any trace of Brian, I resigned myself to the fact that not only had he left the meeting, he’d left the building entirely. I decided that a bit of fresh air would help me to think of what to do next. As I exited the front doors of the church, I didn’t notice Brian sitting on the second step and almost fell over him scaring the shit out of myself in the process.

“Hey Blondie,” he turned and smiled then quickly re-focused on whatever it was that had his attention before I arrived.

“You scared the shit out of me Brian,” I moved to sit in the empty space next to him trying to figure out how to diplomatically ask him about his little outburst in group. Even though I’d just met him, I knew that the direct approach would probably be best in handling the situation.

“So….do you want to talk about what happened back there?”

“I’m fine and besides there’s nothing to talk about.”

“Bullshit. A person doesn’t just spit out shit like that if there isn’t some meaning behind it,” I looked at him imploringly hoping that Brian could see he could trust me with his feelings. After a few moments of silence, Brian took a deep breath and began to talk.

“From the moment I was conceived my parents didn’t want me. In fact, when my father found out my mother was pregnant with me, he wanted her to get an abortion because he didn’t want another fucking kid. To him I was just another mouth he couldn’t afford to feed.”

So that’s why he felt like he was unwanted and worthless, apparently his father made no attempts to hide his contempt for having his life interrupted by having to become a family man. As Brian paused to collect himself and get his emotions in check, I gently placed my hand on thigh encouraging him to continue.

“Being the good catholic woman that she is abortion was not an option. My mother always drank a little too much; mostly to deal with the beatings my father dished out on a regular basis. Ironically enough, when my Dad was drinking the beatings where more frequent and my dear mother wasn’t the only victim.”

Holy shit! I figured Brian’s home life wasn’t all peaches and cream, but I never expected anything like this.

“Your Dad sounds like he’s as big an asshole as mine is,” I chuckled trying to ease the tension of the moment.  Brian moved closer practically whispering in my ear and asked softly “What makes him such an asshole?”  Finally, a question I didn’t mind answering.

“He’s a homophobic prick who started selling drugs to cover up the fact that his business was failing. He convinced my Mother who had absolutely no personal ties to his business, to basically fuck up her life and throw me away in the process.” I gave a sarcastic smile before adding “And now I live with my Grandma Annie under the watchful eye of the great state of Illinois.”

It was the first time I had spoken of or even thought about my father in months. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t talk about something so intimate and private with someone who was virtually a total stranger.  Oddly enough, Brian didn’t feel like a stranger to me, he felt comfortable and familiar like we’ve known each other for a lifetime. We continued to share our life experiences in between fits of laughter and moments of anger and sadness.

“You know Sunshine you’re very lucky,” he said completely out of the blue.

“Why is that?”

“At least you get to stay with family; I on the other hand live with a group of strangers.”

I was a little confused by his statement, because I was under the impression that he lived with his parents.  He further went on to explain that he was no longer under his parents care and had been living in Webster Cantrell Hall for the past two years.  Suddenly he pushed my hand away (which had been resting on his thigh the entire time) stood and lit a cigarette, taking a very healthy drag before exhaling the smoke and totally ignoring me. I couldn’t believe he was acting this way. I thought we were starting to build a friendship; or at least a mutual tolerance for one another. Brian noticed the puzzled look on my face as he continued to blow smoke rings over his head.

“What?” he said rather curtly

“What the fuck do you mean what? You’re acting like a jerk that’s what,” I said as I stood up to face him.

He quirked an eyebrow and started to laugh. What the hell? This was the second time tonight he’s laughed at me. I wasn’t going to just stand there and be treated like the butt of a bad joke, no matter how attracted to him I was.

“And what’s so funny now? Oh let me guess……I’m still fucking adorable when I’m trying to be indignant,” I mocked as I cautiously invaded his personal space. “Well fuck you. I thought we were becoming friends, at the very least good acquaintances.”

Brian looked at me, his face expressionless and scoffed “You dreamy -eyed school boy. Did you think that just because we wasted a little time talking that now we have some special bond?”

I thought about his question for a moment and the truth was even though we’d just met, I felt as if we did have a special bond. It was only wishful thinking on my part that maybe he felt it too. I let my thoughts and the hazel eyes that were currently burning holes into me, drive me to distraction until the beeping of a car horn brought me back to reality. Cynthia had come to take me home and apparently I’d been keeping her waiting.

“Justin come on, it’s time to go,” Cynthia yelled from her open car window. As I started down the stairs I turned to look at Brian one last time and told him what I felt was the truth.

“Whether you know it or not, we do…”

Three weeks went by before I saw Brian again.  

Three weeks later Macon County Jail

“Grandma do we really have to do this?” I asked with a sigh as we pulled into the parking lot of the county building where my father was being held.

“Justin I know this is hard for you, but you know that Diane and Cynthia both feel it’s important that at least try to talk to your father before his trial begins. Honey, he needs to know that you forgive him for what he did,” she says as she takes my hand and gently kisses the back of it.

In their infinite wisdom, Diane and Cynthia thought it would be a good idea for me to visit Craig while he was sitting in the county jail awaiting his trial. I guess they felt like I needed the opportunity to express to him how I really felt. Unfortunately, my grandmother agreed.

“Remind me to send them a nice little thank you card,” I huffed “And besides, I can’t honestly tell him I forgive him….because I don’t.” Grandma gave my hand a gentle squeeze before we got out of the car and headed toward the building.

Once we got inside we were greeted by three uniformed guards who led us to a waiting area where we were given the rules and regulations of visit conduct.

“There will be no direct physical contact of any kind with the inmate.  All packages brought into this facility will be inspected thoroughly before they are allowed to be passed off to said inmate. No monies are to change hands during your visit, if you want to add to an inmate’s books; please see the desk clerk on your way out. If any of these conditions are violated your visit will be terminated immediately.”

After receiving the laundry list of  do’s and don’ts of visitation etiquette, we were escorted to changing rooms of some sort and instructed to take off our shoes, shirts, pants, and socks. I was sure I would die of embarrassment right then and there as I began to slowly disrobe under the guard’s intense scrutiny.

“Come on Junior, we ain’t got all day,” the guard whose nametag read Spruill spat a he had decided I wasn’t moving fast enough for his taste.

“I’m sorry for taking so long, I’m just a little nervous here,” I replied hoping that would placate him a little.

“Not my problem kid. Now hurry the fuck up I have more important things to do.”

Geeze what an asshole I thought to myself. I could just imagine what kind of hell my Grandmother was going through, on second thought I really didn’t want to think about it. It would piss me off to no end to think someone was talking to Grandma that way. Thankfully the ‘strip search’ didn’t last too long and Grandma seemed to come out of it in one piece.

“Now when you see Craig please try to mind your manners and your tongue for that matter,” grandma scolded. I just rolled my eyes and promised to try and behave myself…..yeah right like that was going to happen. The visiting area was very small and depressing. The walls were a sickly grey color with matching dingy tables and chairs. There was one vending machine in the far left corner of the room that was half full at best, and the sound of screaming kids and crying spouses was almost unbearable. Ten minutes later, Craig was escorted into the visiting area wearing a god awful orange jumpsuit and shackled from wrist to ankle. When he spotted us the look on his face told me that he wasn’t expecting us to be his visitors. He hesitantly made his way to our table and sat down glaring daggers as he faced me.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” was the first thing to come out of his mouth. Not thank you for coming or how have you been, I would have even settled for kiss my ass.

“Craig we’re here because I think it’s important that you and Justin talk so you can clear things up between you,” grandma said before I had a chance to speak up.

“What is there to clear up? He’s the fucking reason I’m in here in the first place.”

“What do you mean I’m the reason you’re in here?” I asked “If it weren’t for your faggoty ways my business wouldn’t have been failing. Once word got out that you were a little cocksucker, people stopped coming into the store. When that happened I had to try and find a way to fix the mess you made. My only regret was that I didn’t kick you the fuck out then…..Guard!!!”

My grandmother looked at me sympathetically, silently asking if it were true. The exchange didn’t escape Craig’s notice and he smirked satisfied that he may have caused me the least bit of pain. I felt anger and nervousness creep up on me and the combination made me physically ill. I was angry because I hadn’t come out to my Grandmother because I was afraid she would turn me away like Craig and my mother had.

“Oh come on Annie, you can’t tell me you didn’t know about your darling little grandson,” he drawled.

“No I didn’t know, but that makes no difference to me,” grandma said. “And how dare you blame your acts of duplicity on your own son.”

“That little faggot is no son of mine.” Grandma started to speak but I cut her off mid- sentence. I refused to let him have the last word.

“Listen you selfish prick, I hope you rot in hell for what you’ve done to our family. You can disown me as your son all you like it doesn’t hurt me in the least, I’ll have you know that you stopped being my father a long fucking time ago,” I said as I stood just inches away from his face.

“Can we now grandma?”

“Gladly Justin.” We gathered our belongings and made our way out of the visiting area.  We walked down the corridor in an uncomfortable silence which I was surprisingly grateful for. I really didn’t feel like discussing what had happened at the moment. I always  had a feeling that my father somehow thought I was the cause for our family falling apart, but to hear it out loud caused me to have feelings that I wasn’t quite ready to deal with yet.

As we continued down the hall there was some kind of commotion going on that prevented us from reaching the exit doors.

“Take your fucking hands off of me!” someone kept screaming over and over again. Then there was the sound of chairs being knocked to the ground and tables being overturned. I began to wonder if we would make it out of here alive.

“Sir you need to calm down” The guards kept trying to get whoever it was to cooperate but to no avail. “Fuck you Barney Miller,” the mystery person said. The voices were getting closer and closer and just as they were about to turn the corner, the voice started to sound strangely familiar. Soon enough my suspicions were confirmed. Two very muscular guards were bringing a very drunk Brian Kinney into the booking station, where they were currently handcuffing him to the waiting bench. He looked as if he were drifting in and out of his alcohol induced stupor; that is until we happened to lock eyes on one another.

Brian and I held each other’s gaze for a long moment while a small smile played on his lips.  Damn….the kid was even more gorgeous than I remember. His eyes were low and glossy, his faded blue jeans and button down shirt looked as if they had been slept in for a week, and his hair was sticking up in all directions taking on a freshly fucked appearance. Even in his current disheveled state he was absolutely breathtaking. I knew was beginning to stare, so I quickly broke the contact and looked away unwilling to give him the opportunity to laugh at me and dismiss me again the way he had that night at St Thomas. Our little silent exchange didn’t go unnoticed though.

“You can tell me if it’s none of my business Justin,” grandma leaned into me and whispered “But do you happen to know that young man over there?” In my mind I was jumping up and down screaming and throwing a kindergarten tantrum, pouting with my arms crossed asking her how she could even think something so ridiculous.  Bringing myself back to reality, I slightly lowered my head and muttered “Sort of,” under my breath. Grandma nodded and smiled and thankfully, didn’t press the issue further. After everything that had happened with Craig I was in no mood to try and explain Brian to her…..not yet anyway. I mean, what was I supposed to say? I couldn’t very well tell her that said young man just happened to tell me to fuck off after I offered my friendship and support. (I’m still pissed off about that one by the way)

I was relieved when after several minutes had passed, the county building staff announced that it was safe for everyone to carry on with their intended business as usual. I was anxious to get the hell out of there and as far away from Brian Kinney as I possibly could before I did something stupid like, tell him how much of a crush I have on him like some giggling love-sick school girl (even if it’s true) or punch his smug ass right in the fucking face. I realized that neither of these actions would have a positive outcome, so I gently guided Grandma through the throngs of patrons littering the lobby area with every intention of walking out the door and going home to watch the latest rerun of The Cosby Show.  However, the conversation the two desk sergeants were having stopped me dead in my tracks.

Apparently they were at a crossroads as to what course of action they could take with Brian. On the one hand, they could treat him like Otis the wino and incarcerate him long enough for him to sober up. The other option would be to release him into the custody of a family member or other responsible party that would be willing to oversee his care for the evening.

‘Shit! Why did I have to be blessed with such a kind, fucking heart?’ I immediately thought to myself as I couldn’t with good conscience let Brian spend the night in jail. I figured that I could put up with Brian being in my home for one night, but I didn’t think my grandmother would be so accepting. I could tell by the way she pursed her lips so tight they almost disappeared and the accusing eye she cast my way that she knew exactly what I had in mind.

“Justin Cole Taylor you get that fool idea out of your head right now. As much as I would like to help your friend, you know very well that Diane would never allow it.”

“Who says she has to know?”

“Justin please…” Grandma pleaded. I tried everything I could think of short of groveling on my hands and knees, to get her to agree to let Brian come home with us. When all attempts failed I resigned myself to at least going over and talking with him before leaving. I excused myself and walked over to the incapacitated brunet only to be greeted with a string of drunken curses and a very off-key serenade.

“You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skies are grey….”

Oh my god, somebody please shoot me already.

Biting my lip and wishing desperately that someone would find a gag to stuff in Brian's mouth, my mind rapidly tried to churn out some logical reason why a sane person would actually want to help rescue this messed up, drunk brunet singing at the top of his lungs as he continued with the rest of his song...

"You'll never know, Dear, how much I, I..."

I noticed Brian seemed to stumble on the next part, either accidentally or intentionally I didn't know, but his face took on a type of perplexed look as he emitted a loud hiccup instead and flashed me a sort of sheepish, apologetic, lopsided grin; a gesture which made my heart skip a beat in its almost endearing quality.

I sighed softly; I knew there was no way I could let him spend the night here in this cold, barren, Godforsaken place, even if it WAS just for several hours in a holding pen.  It seemed much too much like my own situation – only I didn't have the bars holding me in place.  The feelings of unworthiness and emotional pain, however, felt the same.  We both had lived through hell at the hands of a pair of heartless parents who put their own needs and selfishness above our own, and I was going to do everything I could to see that we both didn't wind up going down the same, desolate path.  At least I had my grandmother; Brian, however, had no one.  No one but me.

I had to try to win my grandmother over; she wasn't the most affectionate person, but at least she HAD taken me in; that was more than Brian had ever been given.  Perhaps I could try and rectify that now, however; at least I had to give it my best shot.

Taking a deep breath and letting it out – and trying hard not to pay attention to the large distraction still humming under his breath nearby – I walked back over to my grandmother who had sat down on a wooden bench next to the water cooler.  I took a moment to take a sip of water, more for stalling tactics, before I joined by grandmother on the seat next to her.

"Ready to go?" she asked me.

"Grandma, I can't do it," I told her softly.

"You can't do what, Justin?"

"I can't just run off and leave him here, no matter WHAT you – or Diane – thinks.  I mean, look at him!  He's normally so meticulous about his appearance and so articulate."

She snorted at me.  "Justin, he's drunk!  That's what drunks do!  Let him sleep it off; it's the best thing."

"How can you say that?" I asked her sadly.  "Take a good look at him, Grandma!  Doesn't he remind you of me?  Don't you see?  He's just like me, only I had YOU to fall back on when my parents dumped me like yesterday's trash!  Brian has no one.  Has never really HAD anyone.  He told me his father wanted his mother to get an abortion when she became pregnant.  Sometimes I think he feels that it might have been better for him if he hadn't been born, because his father beat him on a regular basis while his mother tried to drink the truth away and pretend it wasn't happening – kind of my like my own mother," I added, not realizing until then just how true that was.

I could hear my grandmother's sharp intake of breath as I told her about Brian childhood, and I noticed a glimmer of tears in her eyes.  Before I lost my courage – and my advantage – I pressed on.  "Grandma, we have a chance to maybe help him turn his life around; to show Brian that someone cares about him.  Maybe tomorrow he'll be a jackass about it when he gets sober – he's not the most gracious person," I admitted, which was a vast understatement.  "But we have a chance to show him that someone DOES give a shit."

"Justin, language," was the soft reproach.

I rolled my eyes.  "Okay.  But don't you understand?  If we leave him here, we'll be no better than his parents are – or mine."

Suddenly grandma stood up and walked over to the booking desk and informed the sergeants that Brian would be going home with us to sober up for the night.

Brian managed to sleep the entire way home and was confused as to where he was when he awoke the next morning.

“Rise and shine sleeping beauty,” I teased as I stood in the doorway of the spare bedroom he’d been resting in.

“Aaahhh,” he moaned holding his head, he must have had one bitch of a headache. “Where the hell am I? And what the fuck am I doing here?”

I let out a small chuckle before replying “First of all, you are in my home,” I stated matter-of-factly. “Second, what or should I say who brought you here is simple.” He looked at me quizzically for a moment and let me continue.

“But if you want the answer to that one, then I suggest you hop your ass in the shower, get changed and come down to breakfast pronto.” I said and smiled as I made my way downstairs to join Grandma Annie, all the while feeling a little anxious about the changes the next few days would bring.

After setting out a pair of sweats and tee shirt for Brian to change into, I started to make my way back downstairs to have my obligatory morning cup of coffee but stopped short when I heard my mother’s unmistakable voice. When had she gotten here anyway? The better question is what is she doing here so early? I still wasn’t ready to face her just yet but I was curious about what she had to say, so I stayed hidden behind a beam at the top of the stairs listening to what was being said.

“Mother please, I need to see him.” My mother pleaded “I have to make him understand…”

“Make him understand what Jennifer? How you could just throw him away like yesterday’s garbage because you felt it was more important to you to save your fucked up marriage?”

“MOTHER!”

“Don’t you dare mother me. That boy has been spending his nights crying himself to sleep for the better part of year hoping and praying that you would come back for him. He trusted you to love him and to protect him” Grandma said coldly.

It amazes me that Grandma knows me so well; that she actually pays that much attention to me to know how I cry at night. I always thought that was my dirty little secret, a part of myself that I would never have to share with the rest of the world. Grandma respected me enough to let me have that and I smiled a little at the thought that she really does love me, but as I kept listening what I heard next wiped the smile right off of my face.

“I know that it was my responsibility to love and protect him, it still is. And yes I’m sorry to hear that he’s suffering and hurting I truly am, but Craig would never accept Justin the way he is and I couldn’t live without Craig.”

“You mean because Justin is gay?”

I’m sure my mother must have been shocked by the accusation, but Grandma had thrown the gauntlet down challenging my mother to deny what they both knew to be true. The silence that ensued was deafening. It seemed like an eternity had passed before my mother’s ability to speak had returned.

“I’m sorry but…yes”

I couldn’t believe it.  For the second time in as many days, it’s been confirmed for me how much of a fucking disappointment my parents thought I was. I pushed back the tears that threatened to spill because by this point I’ve heard enough and had resolved myself to go and confront my mother once and for all.  I took a deep breath and proceeded down the stairs and into the living room as quietly as possible so that they wouldn’t notice me immediately. I entered the room just in time to hear my grandmother hiss “Shame on you Jennifer.”  I took this opportunity to make my presence known.

“Yeah shame on you Mom.”

“J-Justin honey I didn’t see you standing there.” She says nervously as she stands to face me. “How have you been?”

This has got to be some kind of joke. One minute she’s telling my grandmother that she couldn’t let her faggot son come home because she couldn’t bare to be without her precious husband, then pretending to actually care about my wellbeing the next. Ha, the whole thing is so fucking laughable that it’s pathetic. What even makes her think she has the right to ask anything about me after all the things she said? While she stands there waiting for an answer, I just fold my arms across my chest and arch an eyebrow her way and ask as calmly as I can “What? You really wanna know?”

“Of course I do honey.”

“That’s funny, because it’s my understanding that you couldn’t be bothered to care how I’ve been doing because Craig would never accept for who I am.”

I can see the tears begin to form in her eyes but I can’t let that concern me. She needs to understand how much she hurt me by choosing a one-sided marriage over her only son. Surprisingly her next statement was to be expected.

“It’s not like that Justin.” I narrow my eyes as I look at her while trying to figure out just who the hell she thinks she’s fooling.

“Really? Then how is it Mom? Because at the end of the day nothing is going to change, I’m not going to change. I like dick, I want to get fucked by dick, and I want to suck dick.”

“Justin, Language!” Grandma scolded gently.

“I’m sorry if that upsets or doesn’t fit into your little country club lifestyle mom.” By this time the tears I’d been keeping at bay have started to flow unheeded.

“Justin I never meant to hurt you, you have got to believe me.”

“Yeah right, just like I believed you when you promised not to tell him I was gay in the first place. That was all bullshit though wasn’t it, because you fucking told him the first chance you got.”

My mother actually had the good grace to hang her head in shame.

“Alright let’s just stay calm,” grandma says quietly trying to ease the tension. “Justin why don’t you go take a walk and cool off some while I finish talking to your mother.”

Every fiber of my being wanted to scream HELL NO this is my home and if anyone should have to leave it’s her. Grandma must have been reading my thoughts because it was at that precise moment that she gave me a warning glare making it more than clear that she was not fucking around.

“Fine,” I mutter under my breath before I turn to leave. I’m almost to the front door and damn near jump out of my skin when I hear a voice from behind me say “Mind if I walk with you?”

“Jesus fucking Christ Brian, you scared the hell out of me. How long have you been standing there anyway?”

“Long enough to know that the old lady is right, a little cooling off period will do you some good.”

I’m not sure if it was the fact that my little episode with my mother had left me feeling emotionally drained or maybe it was my lack of strength to continue fighting, but when Brian reached out and took my hand in his I didn’t resist.

We walked until we reached Nelson Park and found a grassy knoll in a secluded area overlooking Lake Decatur where we could sit and talk in peace. The view of the various sailboats floating along the water was breathtaking and served as the perfect way for me to de-stress.

“Are you okay Sunshine?” he asked after we had been sitting silently for a while.

“I don’t know,” I sighed

“God…maybe they’re right, maybe this whole fucking mess is all my fault.”

Brian moved closer to me and started to play with the hairs at the back of my neck. I knew that he was only doing it to try to make me feel better, but I couldn’t help but revel in how good it felt to have him touching me like this. I unconsciously leaned into his touch, drawing from it the strength and comfort I so desperately needed at the moment.

“That’s where you’re wrong, they only have themselves to blame for their ignorance,” he says softly.

“They cause their own pain just like everyone else. So if they can’t accept you for the person you are I say fuck ‘em.”

I wish I could be as cavalier about letting go of my parents as Brian is. Even after all they have put me through; I can’t just stop loving them. I guess that’s the real reason why it hurts so much.

“I can’t do that Brian; I can’t just turn off my feelings like that.” I tell him warily

“Well then you’ll always be hurt.” He whispers to me then he does something quite unexpected.

Brian gently takes my face in his hands and softly brushes his lips against mine causing a fire to ignite within me that I’ve only ever felt in my dreams. Soon enough he begins to deepen the kiss as I wound my fingers in his soft auburn tresses.

His tongue pressed slightly against my mouth asking permission for entry. I slowly parted my lips and allowed the sweet intrusion and was intoxicated by the taste of him. He kept one hand at the nape of my neck as we continued to kiss while his free hand moved southward to massage my denim clad erection.

“That feels so fucking good,” I moaned in pleasure

 My cock was hard and leaking profusely and I wanted nothing more than for him to keep touching me. I wanted Brian to make me forget about all the shitty facets that made up my life.

“So good,” he moaned against my lips and it emboldened me as I let my hands explore him, feeling the sinewy muscles of his body.

“God I want you,” he breathed in my ear as he starts to gently lay me down leaving a trail of butterfly kisses along my neck.  “Brian wait,” I whispered

When I suddenly pulled away; leaving us both panting and wanting more, he looked at me curiously. I was so lost in all the delicious sensations that I had negated to tell Brian that I’ve never done this before. Sure there were a few kisses and touches here and there, but never anything this intense.

“Justin, are you alright? Don’t tell me that all of a sudden you’re modest,” he chuckled “If memory serves me correct, you’ve already seen me naked because I’m sure your grandmother wasn’t the one to undress me and put me to bed.”

“Brian….I-I’ve never been with anyone before”

There I said it. I can feel my face flush crimson as he scrutinizes me as if he were looking for any sign of deception. When he’s satisfied that I’ve told him the truth, he assures me that we don’t have to go any further if I’m not ready and that he’s content to wait until I am.

“Don’t worry Sunshine, you’ll know when the time is right.” He says and kisses me again “We should probably start heading back anyway, I’m sure Grandma is starting to worry about you.”

“No, let’s stay awhile”

Where the hell did that come from?

“Are you sure?” he asks

I answer him by placing and hand at the back of his neck and pulling him into a passionate kiss.  We spent the rest of the morning and part of the afternoon talking, laughing, and making out like the horny teenagers that we were….and at that moment life couldn’t be sweeter.

It was late afternoon by the time Brian and I left our little haven and started heading back home; and for the first time since I’d been placed with Grandma Annie, it was last place I wanted to be. Spending the day alone with Brian had proved to be more than just a convenient way to escape the insanity of my family discord; it afforded me the opportunity to finally realize that no matter how shitty you believe your life is, there’s always the potential that what the next person is going through is a hell of a lot worse.

Case in point, Brian allowed me to be privy to the fact that the only reason he was still under the state’s guardianship at his age, was because of a major fuck up regarding his paperwork. He said that had given him the lame excuse of having to verify his year of birth because what they had on record conflicted with every single document he ever signed. (Why doesn’t this surprise me in the least… but the state’s perfect right?) After spending the extra year at Webster Cantrell, the powers that be had finally cleaned up their mess and Brian was officially free from the confines of living within the limits of an unwanted authority.

Well this solved the mystery of why Brian felt the need to get completely shitfaced last night. I still wasn’t clear on how he wound up in the county lock-up though. I knew I was playing with fire, but I couldn’t resist putting the screws to him just a bit about his recent journey into sloshville.

“So this was why you were piss-ass drunk huh? You were celebrating your emancipation, relishing in your new found freedom.” I said with a smile as I playfully gave his shoulder a little shove.

He snorted and with a roll of his eyes replied “Yep. It was my way of saying farewell and fuck you to all those assholes that pretended to care about me. As a matter of fact, they’re the ones who called the police on me anyway.”

There wasn’t much conversation after that. We were navigating our way to the park’s exit in companionable silence when my stomach suddenly let out loud growl.  I guess in my haste to get as far away from my mother as possible, I negated to have anything to eat before leaving.

“Seems like it’s time to feed the beast,” Brian laughed and I felt my face redden in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry, but in my defense we did leave before eating breakfast,” I huffed

I suggested that we stop by Krekel’s to get a couple of sandwiches and a pint of lemon ice cream to share since we were already heading in that direction anyway. Brian wrinkled his nose in disgust at the mere thought of even stepping foot inside the local eatery.

“You actually eat that shit?”  He asked incredulously “Do you have any idea how fattening that crap is Justin?”

“Are you kidding me? I hardly need to worry about getting fat Brian and neither do you. Besides, the tomato burger is my favorite.” I stated matter-of-factly.

 Ok I admit it took a little convincing for me to get him to even consider eating at the famed burger joint. He only agreed to go after I assured him that he could find something on the menu that wouldn’t offend his delicate pallet. I was grateful for that because quite frankly, I was starving and didn’t have the patience to wait until we got home to prepare a meal.

“Oh my god, would you look at that!” I said rather excitedly as we approached the parking lot and our eyes landed on one of the city’s most talked about attractions, the infamous Krekelcaddy or as Daphne liked to call it the barnyard pimp on wheels.

The Krekelcaddy was a big-body Cadillac that had been fashioned to look like a giant rooster. The front part of the car’s body was painted with red and white stripes, while the rear was painted as if feathers adorned its ass-end. The head of the cock (no pun intended) stood proudly erect on the car’s rooftop with the tail protruding from the trunk.

“That has got to be the ugliest fucking thing I ever saw,” Brian admonished with a roll of his eyes.  It was my turn to laugh now and I did so until tears began to fill my eyes at Brian’s disdain for the offending vehicle.

“Come on big guy, let’s get you inside before you permanently lose your sight due to staring at such a monstrosity,” I said as I put my arm around his shoulder, giving it a little squeeze before steering him toward the door.  He ruffled my hair and gave me a smile in return but it wasn’t one of his usual restrained, guarded smiles; no this one was different. It was genuine and uncensored, and I felt something akin to pride at the fact that Brian was starting to feel comfortable enough around me to let his guard down, if only a little.

 Even though the start to my day was unequivocally less than desirable, the handsome lad that was keeping me company, made it all look like simple window dressing in comparison.

Half an hour and two full stomachs later, we finally arrived home. As soon as we walked in though, hurricane Annie swooped down and hit us harder than the freak spring ice storm of 1979. As we all stood in the foyer she gave us a thorough tongue lashing; telling us how inconsiderate we were for not calling to at least tell her where we were. She further went on to rant about how scared and worried she was that my mother had driven me away and how she thought I might never come back.

“Grandma….me leaving without saying goodbye to you, is something you never have to worry about.” I told her as I pulled her slight frame into a hug.

“If you ever did, I would kick your uppity butt ‘til hell won’t have it again….you hear me?” She whispered affectionately while wiping a stray tear away from her cheek. She then turned and pointed a finger at Brian.

“And as for you young man….”

Uh oh… I knew sooner or later Grandma would rake Brian over the coals about the events that led him to have to dry out in our guestroom. I kind of felt sorry for him because he had no idea what he was in for, but on second thought it would be amusing to see him try to use his bravado against such a formidable opponent.

“You’d better shape up and get your act together. Just because you call yourself mad at the world, that doesn’t give you the right to behave so abhorrently.”

I put a hand over my mouth and snickered as watched Brian standing there wide-eyed, with his mouth hanging open. Oh but she wasn’t done with him yet.

“Furthermore, the next time you find yourself in the county due to poor lack of judgment, neither I nor my grandson will be there to save your perky little ass…do I make myself clear?”

“Yes ma’am,” Brian said quietly, looking down at his hands.

 That was the first, but definitely not the last time I would see Brian humble himself.

“Good, now that that’s settled, you’re more than welcome to stay for rest of what’s left of the weekend if you’d like.”

To my surprise, Brian had agreed to stay on with us for the remainder of the weekend when the offer was put on the table. After dinner we spent the evening watching the movies I had recently rented from blockbuster. At around 10:00 I decided to call it a night, seeing as I had to get up early for school the next day.

I was roused from my slumber however, when I felt my bed dip in the middle of the night. I turned over and rubbed my eyes until I could clearly focus on the image sitting next to me.

“Brian? Is something wrong?”

“No it’s just that….” He let out a weighted breath before continuing. “Just that…I….” Brian was obviously having a difficult time trying to express whatever it was he had to say.

“What is it Brian?” I asked imploringly.  He then leaned over and gently kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear “Thank you Sunshine,” and before I could offer a response he was gone.

I sat there completely stunned as I tried to will myself back to sleep. Unfortunately for me sleep didn’t come and before I knew it the sun was coming up, signaling Monday morning’s arrival and the end of my whirlwind weekend.

As the weeks went by, I found myself spending more and more time with Brian and spent less and less thinking about my parents. Shit… it was hard for me to think about little else when Brian kept turning up everywhere.  He would throw rocks at my bedroom window in the dead-ass of night, show up at school to have lunch with me and Daphne, hell…he’d even shown up for the first few days Craig’s trial.  In fact he started coming around so often, that I almost expected him to set up permanent residence.

Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining or anything, but it just strikes me as odd that for a guy who claims to be against longstanding attachments of any kind, he just couldn’t seem to stay away.  At first I just thought it was because he was bored or some shit and didn’t have anything else better to do; at least that’s what I kept telling myself anyway.  But then he would kiss or touch or hold me in ways that made me feel it was much more than that.

Brian Kinney was definitely a walking contradiction of emotions that constantly left me feeling blissfully confused, like working a puzzle that couldn’t be completed because so many of the pieces were missing.

Daphne asked me what I thought it all meant one night after he’d accompanied us to see the movie Basic Instinct, which by the way had way too much hetero sex for my taste….but I digress. Brian had managed to land himself a job at a local factory and made decent enough money to afford the latest model Jeep Wrangler, so when he came over offering to take us for a spin in his new toy we jumped at the chance.  

Daphne and I were lying across her bed when the mention of how he’d kissed me senseless before leaving brought the subject up.

“I’m not sure what it means Daph,” I told her quite honestly “I mean….one minute he’s all over me like a fucking  cheap suit, not that I mind, but then he’s pushing me away acting like I’ve hurt him in the worst way the next,”  I sighed.

Daphne looked at me with a sympathetic smile and said “Then why don’t you just deal with it straight from the shoulder, just ask him bottom line exactly what he wants.”

“I don’t know if I can do that Daph. Brian isn’t exactly the world’s most approachable person you know.”

“True….but that still isn’t a good enough reason for you to be afraid to tell him how you feel Justin.”

I knew she was right, but what if I lost his friendship or whatever the fuck it was we had in the process? Was that a risk I willing to take? If I was honest with myself the answer was no. Maybe that’s why he had left so suddenly that night, maybe he was just as afraid to face his feelings as I was.

“Justin I just got an idea,” Daphne said interrupting my musings “Why don’t you ask him to the prom”

I looked at Daphne as if she had suddenly sprouted a second head; there was no way in hell I was going to ask Brian to the prom. As I thought more about it, he would probably turn me down anyway. I quickly turned away so that she couldn’t see the hurt and sadness that I was sure was clearly shown on my face.

“Daphne are you crazy? What would he come as my fucking chaperone, and besides I wasn’t even planning on going”

“Justin how can you not go to prom…..it’s like a rite of passage, the ultimate high school experience.”

I looked to her and sighed, I know she means well but Daphne couldn’t possibly understand my reasons for not going. Prom was for straight students who could be seen with their dates without having to endure criticism or ridicule or being told that they’re going to hell because of who they chose to love. The simple fact of the matter was that a little faggot boy like myself wouldn’t be welcome at such an event.

“Daph….prom isn’t for people like me.  Even if I wanted to, you know I couldn’t invite Brian as my date.”

“….”

“What? You don’t seriously think that Mr. Anthony would allow it do you?”

Daphne hesitated a brief moment, seeming to consider how she should answer my question without coming off as an insensitive bitch. I actually found this to be quite amusing because Daphne was never one to hold her tongue for anybody. Her brutal frankness was one of the things I loved most about her, and I damn sure didn’t want her to start being coy now.

“Who gives a fuck what Mr. Anthony or anyone else for that matter, thinks or feels about who you decide to bring to prom Justin?”

“That’s easy for you to say Daph; you don’t have to hide who you are. Look it’s getting late and I really don’t want to talk about it anymore okay?” Daphne huffed out an annoyed breath but thankfully didn’t bring the subject up again. I gathered my things kissed her cheek and headed for home, all the while thinking about how I was going to ask Brian to the prom.

Grandma Annie was already in bed asleep when I got home, so I quietly made my way upstairs showered and got into bed myself. It seemed as if my body had just started to relax and wind down when I heard the familiar tapping at my window.

“Sunshine……Justin, are you awake?”

I groaned softly not wanting to leave the comfort of my warm bed, but also not wanting to leave Brian hanging either. Reluctantly, I managed to drag myself out of bed and opened the window for my midnight caller. I leaned out slightly and was immediately assaulted by the cool night air, I could feel the goosebumps starting to form on my skin, but the smile in which Brian greeted me with warmed me just as quickly.

“Brian what the fuck are you doing here? Do you have any idea what time it is?” I whispered harshly to my own ears; but probably sounded more like whining if Brian’s laughter served as any indication……Christ, let me stop to check and see if my nuts have really dropped yet.

“Who the fuck cares what time it is Sunshine,” he chuckled which was really starting to work my fucking nerves. Why was I always his little source of amusement? I mean, if he wanted a good laugh he could always watch the TGIF line up on ABC for fucks sake.

“I care Brian. I have school tomorrow so I ask again, what do you want?” I swear if he laughs again or even lets out an inkling of a chuckle, I will be performing my first castration.

“You are so fucking cute when you’re indignant, can I come in?”

Sighing heavily, I motioned him to the front door but warned him to be quiet as not to wake Grandma. As soon as he came inside, he pushed me up against the door and kissed me as if he were a man starved. I temporarily lost myself in the kiss but suddenly remembered where we were.

“Brian….”

“Say it again,” he whispered huskily “My name sounds so good coming from your lips like that”

Damn….why does he have to go and say shit like that? I guess there’s only one way to keep it from happening again….here goes nothing.

“Brian….would you go to my senior prom with me?”

Due to RL throwing me curve ball after curve ball, I have not been able to update the way I would like to. I apologize for the extreme lapse and wholly intend to complete all of my WIP's. So my friends please bare with me as I find my footing again in an effort to post more frequently. In the meantime I will continue to support all of the many talented writers here and hope that you will enjoy my future offerings.

“Brian….would you go to my senior prom with me?”

The words were out of my mouth before my brain could stop them. Brian stopped his sensuous assault on my body and took a tentative step back and eyed me curiously, gauging the seriousness of my request as we stood in the suddenly awkward quietness of the foyer.

“Justin you can’t be serious about this? Even if I wanted to go, you know it would never be allowed.”

He cupped my cheek; stroking it softly as he spoke. I must have been wearing my disappointment like a scarlet letter, because in the next moment he was pulling me back into a tight embrace and whispering calmly in my ear.

“They’re just not ready for something like this Sunshine. Why don’t you ask your friend Daphne to be your date?”

Was he really suggesting that I pretend to be something I’m not just to appease the bigoted fuckwads at Eisenhower High? Maybe it would have been the easier, more accepted road to travel, but the word easy wasn’t in my vocabulary.

I  promised myself that I would keep my temper in check and tried desperately to fight back the tears that threatened to spill as I buried my face in his chest. I closed my eyes and inwardly cursed myself for my momentary stupidity. I’d known even expected, that he would turn down my invitation, but what I didn’t expect was how completely gutted I would feel hearing the words spoken aloud. I felt dismissed, tossed aside and thrown away like useless trash. Something inside me snapped, and suddenly I couldn’t bear to have him touching me. I was no longer ensconced in warm comforting arms; no these arms were cold, unforgiving and reeked with the putrid smell of rejection.

“I don’t want Daphne to be my date, or any other girl for that matter,” I spat as I futilely struggled to free myself from his hold. “I want to go with someone I care about, and if that happens to be a guy….then who cares?” Even to my own ears I sounded weak and pathetic, but at the moment I didn’t give a fuck. I’d laid all my cards out on the table so to speak, and there was no turning back; I only hoped that I hadn’t lost a friend in the process.

“Fuck! Justin what do you want from me? We’re not boyfriends, we’re not some straight couple, hell we’re not even lovers,” He’d pushed me away a bit roughly putting some much needed distance between us. Turning his back to me, he ran a hand through his hair in frustration.

“What are we then Brian? Surely you don’t think that we’re just ‘friends’.  Friends don’t hold each other the way we do. Friends don’t touch the way we do, and friends damn sure don’t kiss the way we do.”

I cautiously stepped into his personal space and turned him around to face me. His eyes were wild and angry and laced with a hint of confusion when they met mine. He held my gaze for a long moment before he finally spoke.

“You’re not anything to me,” he said angrily as he stepped even closer; our faces only millimeters apart.

“Fuck you asshole, that’s bullshit and you know it Brian. You know fucking well that’s not true only you’re too chicken shit, piss in your pants afraid to admit it!”

The promise to control myself was long forgotten by this time. I’d allowed my anger and utter embarrassment to get the better of me. This verbal war had left me raw and exposed and feeling quite vulnerable and I hated feeling this way, like some emotionally insecure little sissy boy begging the playground bully to spare him an ass kicking.

“What in hell is going on here!?”

Brian and I were so caught up in the heat of our little battle of wills that neither of us noticed that Grandma Annie was standing there watching us from just inside the living room. She moved slowly into the foyer cinching the belt of her silk robe tighter around her waist as she closed the space between us.

“Young man you’d better have a damn good explanation as to why you’re standing in my home screaming like a wounded banshee at 3 in the morning,” she pointedly glared at Brian “As for you Justin…I think it would be best if you went back to bed, I’ll deal with you later.”

Any protest I even thought about broaching, quickly died on my lips as I blanched at the look on Grandma’s face.  As if I hadn’t been humiliated enough; now I was being sent to bed like a petulant child while Brian smirked at me in amusement over Grandma’s shoulder.  Shit how did it always end up that Brian was the victor in these tongue wrestling matches we were so prone to have?

Reluctantly, I offered Grandma a curt nod before making my way back to bed. As I slipped between the covers I could hear the distinct sound of Grandma Annie dressing Brian down and it caused a small smile to form on my lips. Immediately the thought crossed my mind that maybe Brian hadn’t won the battle after all.

The next day at school, Daphne stood at my locker waiting to meet me as usual but I wasn’t exactly thrilled to see her there.  Don’t get me wrong I still love my best friend , but at the moment I was more than a little pissed about the fact that it was her wonderful advice that had me in this fucked up mess in the first place. Maybe I could just casually stroll past my locker and pretend I didn’t see her...on second thought that would never work. That girl wouldn’t let me get two feet away before she would start running down the hall after me trying to drag me back. So instead I decided to square my shoulders and prepare for the maylay of fireworks that were about to ensue. The closer I got the more I tried to stay calm and remind myself that what happened wasn’t her fault really,  I’m the one who decided to take her advice knowing what the potential outcome would be.

“Morning Justin. You look all bright eyed and bushy tailed today.”

If she only knew how way off base she truly was about my seemingly bright eyed appearance.

“Well I wouldn’t exactly say I'm either of those things this morning Daph. In fact, I got very little sleep last night due to an unscheduled visitor. Brian came by last night and I asked him if he would go with me to the prom.”

*chuckle* The way she beamed you would have thought that she won the lottery or the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes or some shit. Daphne was so excited and genuinely happy for me that I almost hated to kill her dream.

“So, you crazy princess don’t keep me in suspense, how did it go?”

“He turned me down Daph. After giving me all the plausible, understandable reasons that it wouldn’t be wise for him to be my date, he turned right around and told me I was nothing to him. It took all my willpower not to knock him on his ass.”

Daphne’s face went from a beautiful mocha to beet red in the span of a nano second. I slowly counted backward from five waiting for her to completely lose her shit.

“What the hell did he mean by that! He’s been basically dry humping you and pissing on your leg for months now. Okay so I guess nobody went to the movies with him or made out with him in the fucking balcony. Furthermore, nobody let his ass come over in the middle of the night...I could just punch his ass in the face right now.”

I tried my best not to laugh at how worked up Daphne was getting over this whole situation...but I just couldn’t resist.

“Calm down Cleopatra Jones. Grandma Annie more than kicked his ass verbally for the both of us. After I went to bed I could hear them talking and Grandma kindly told him that if he so much as pulled something like that ever again, she would kick his uppity lilly white ass til hell wouldn’t have it again.”

With that image in mind, we both fell against my locker in an uncontrollable fit of laughter. Only the sound of the bell ringing signaling the beginning of homeroom brought us back to reality. I quickly gathered the books I needed for the first part of the day and took Daphne’s hand and started off to class. As we turned the corner barely a few feet away from the classroom, Daphne came to an abrupt stop and turned to face me; all traces of our jovial exchange were gone “I really will go kick his ass for you, if you want me to, Jus,” Daphne offered in all seriousness. “That’s okay Daph, it wouldn’t have been much fun going with him anyway, especially if he felt like he was forced to do it. I love you for offering though.”

After sharing a quick hug and a promise to buy Daphne lunch for being such a good friend, the rest of the day went by rather smoothly...that is until I stepped outside the building doors. I was beginning to think I was cursed or something, because one of the last people on earth I wanted to see was standing there waiting for me to make my afterschool appearance.

“Justin, sweetheart how have you been?” 

“What do you want mom? You made it pretty fucking clear how important I am to you during our last visit, so why are you here? No...better yet why won’t you just leave me the fuck alone already!”

“Justin watch your language young man!” Grandma gently scolded me. “Calm down and everything will be explained. And Jennifer...don’t you go expecting any miracles dear daughter.”

The answer to my question as to why they were all here came a few short moments later, when Diane came walking up to join us. Why couldn’t they just leave well enough alone. My mother didn’t think I was worth fighting for and I was in no mood to forgive her for so easily walking out of my life. She doesn’t really understand what hearing her say that she would rather be behind bars, than having to deal with her queer son did to me. Diane recognized the defiance flashing in my eyes and gave an exasperated sigh before swiftly guiding us back inside the building to the nearest available conference room (with Dean Scott’s permission of course) and telling me the reason for this little surprise visit. 

“Justin we thought it would be good for you and your mother to sit down and try to work toward mending your relationship. Your ALATEEN facilitator Blake, has been gracious enough to extend his services to help make that happen.”

“I don’t have anything to say to her Diane. I don’t want anything to do with her and there is nothing you or anyone else can do to change my mind about it.”

As I looked over at my mother, it took every bit of resolve I had not to be affected by the unshed tears I saw shining in her eyes. I felt like there was a battle of epic proportions raging inside of me as I thought to myself, would it be so bad if I forgave her? Would I be letting her off too easy after all the things she’s said and done? Could we truly get back to a place where we could call ourselves family again? Truth be told, a part of me really wanted to let her back into my life and possibly start over, but the part of me that was still angered by her flagrant betrayal was winning hands down.

“Justin all that we are asking right now, is that you consider giving this a chance,” Diane spoke pleadingly; as if her words alone were enough to sway my heart to feel something that was no longer there. “I understand that it won’t be easy, but in the long run you’ll see that it will all be worth it.”

“I don’t think so Diane. How can I ever trust her again knowing how she really feels about me? You all seem to expect me to just magically erase the past year of pain and betrayal I’ve felt. I don’t know how to do that.”

“Justin honey… you don’t mean that.”

“Mom…” I sighed heavily, feeling the weight of the painful words and their absolute truth pressing down on my shoulders like I was carrying the expectations of the entire world, not just my mother and my counsellor. Maybe that was my own unfounded guilt speaking, but it didn’t make what I was about to say hurt any less. “I have never meant anything more in my life. You threw me aside like used trash when it suited your needs. I can’t just say ‘hey mom thanks for ignoring me, now let’s hug and make up.’ It’s like you think I’ll just come running back whenever you’re ready. But, what about if I’m not ready? Maybe I’ll never be ready.”

She began to openly sob, clutching her chest trying to pull enough air into her lungs to form a coherent sentence. I really did want to feel something besides anger for her, but I just couldn’t find it in my soul to do it. Any residual affection I had for my mother had completely disappeared the day she confessed to loving her social status more than her own son. As I looked on, my mother’s face started to crumple - albeit in that perfectly acceptable WASPish way so that her makeup wouldn’t get mussed in the process - and I knew that I simply couldn’t take any more of this today. Getting up off the chair where they’d seated me, I bolted for the door.

In my haste to get as far away from the school and the bullshit going on inside as I could, I completely forgot about the fact that Daphne had been patiently waiting for me while I had been forced to participate in my little impromptu psych session.

“Justin...Justin! Wait up. What happened in there?” Daphne was calling out to me as she ran furiously to catch up to my longer than normal strides. Just as she’d fallen in step with me, we heard the distinct squealing of tires in very close proximity; followed by a husky “Need a lift, Sunshine?”

I could hardly believe my eyes. Brian actually had the gall to show up here after the way he had all but told me to go fuck myself last night. In my head I’m already calling him every kind of motherfucker, bastard, asshole, and son-of-a-bitch in the book, but the insults never made it past my lips. Over the humming motor of Brian’s jeep, I could hear Diane calling me from the school’s entryway. Between dealing with my mother and the rest of her cohorts intent on us making nice, and the attractive, if infuriating, man offering me a ride, there really was no contest. I grabbed a hold of the door handle, wrenched open the passenger side door and practically dove into Brian’s Jeep. 

“Daphne,” I yell out the window even as I see Brian shift the car into drive. “I’ll call you, okay? I just need to get out of here right now. You understand, right?”

“You’ll tell me everything later?” Daphne insists. 

“Of course, Daph,” I manage to holler as Brian pulls around a dawdling Toyota celica that’s holding up traffic in the student parking lot and then zooms out of there. 

Brian and I drove around in an uncomfortable silence for twenty long excruciating minutes, before either of us garnered the courage to say anything to each other. For the most part, Brian concentrated on keeping his eye on the road and feigning indifference, but the look that was on his face which could easily be read as fear was unmistakable. I had a million thoughts running through my head as to what would cause this confident young man sitting next to me to be afraid. I was still pissed at him and even though I didn’t want to be, I was truly concerned about Brian.

We were stalled at a redlight when he turned to me as if to ask a question, but I guess the fact that I quickly turned to look out of my window so he wouldn’t read my feelings made him think better of it. 

“So, is everything okay?”

Then again maybe I was wrong.

“Uh...yeah, everything’s just peachy.”

“Look, Justin, I..”

“Save it Brian. You said all you needed to say last night. I mean let’s face it, you were right, I’m not anything to you and because of that you don’t owe me a damn thing. If anything I should be begging your forgiveness for having the nerve to care about you, for wanting to share a very special moment with you.”

“See that’s where you’re wrong Justin. I owe you everything...you hear me, everything. Until you came into my life I didn’t know how to let myself feel. I’m used to always having to have my guard up so that whoever was running my life at the time, couldn’t take advantage of me.”

I continued to stare at nothing in particular purposely avoiding looking into his eyes, because now I’m the one that’s afraid. I was afraid of what I might see if I allowed myself to be pulled into their hazel depths. Brian sensed my hesitation to face him and this was evidenced by the calming breath he’d released before he started to speak again.

“I know you won’t believe this but, I never meant to hurt you Sunshine.”

“Don’t call me that! I’m not your fucking Sunshine….now would you please just take me home.”

“Fine!”

No other words were spoken for the rest of the ride, not even a cursory thank you and goodbye passed between us when he let me out in front of my house. I did however take the opportunity to sneak one final glance at Brian as he sped away to god knows where, before I started to shuffle slowly toward the front door. Once I was inside, I successfully avoided seeing Grandma and was able to make it up to my room to call Daphne and fill her in on all the gory details.

Daphne, ever the optimist, tried her best to convince me that everything would turn out alright, and that everything happens for a reason...yeah right! But my life, such as it was, continued on in the same maddening circle whether I liked it or not. The state still felt they knew what was best for me, my mother still came around begging me to forgive her, and Brian...well, Brian just seemed to drop off the face of the earth.

So imagine my surprise when Brian showed up at my Senior prom two weeks later. I’m not even sure how he found out the exact date of prom, since I never got around to actually telling him any specifics. My face lit up like a Christmas tree when I saw him saunter into the venue looking more handsome than I’d ever seen him look before. Brian’s body language spoke volumes and his mission was clear, he intended on making it a night that Dwight D. Eisenhower High School would never forget, and an even more memorable one for me.