September 2006

 

Justin's POV

I can't believe I've been here over a year already. Seems like just yesterday I arrived in John F. Kennedy Airport looking for what I didn't know. Success? Independence? The truth was that I'd left both of those things back in Pittsburgh in the form of one man. Brian Kinney. Remembering him and our tumultuous relationship- or non-relationship as we termed it- I can't help but smile and tear up at the same time. When things were good between Brian and I, things were really good. My outlook on life was a lot different. I guess one could say it was fucking rainbows and unicorns. A pipe dream of course but it was mine. I could never regret much of it because I learned some valuable life lessons about being a man and standing on my own two feet which is why I've been here in New York for the past year. It hasn't stopped me from wishing, wanting, waiting or whiling away the time until I can go home and return to the man I love with every fiber of my being as his equal. Standing here on this crowded subway, I can still feel him- or at least I think I can. God it has been so fucking long since I've held him...since he's held me. Being with him was as natural as breathing and just as necessary. The thing that sucked most of all was it had taken him five years to admit aloud what I already knew. But that was Brian- enigmatic, secretive and stubborn until the end. And although he loves me and I love him, there were times over this past year when I questioned it instead of living joyously in it. It's funny, I'm the impulsive one mostly whereas Brian was usually the over-thinker until he made his mind up and then he acted impulsively. Yet in this, he was the one in a hurry. He pushed me to do this but it was gentle and heartfelt this time; not the Kinney cliff he'd pushed me off of several years ago. It hurt yet I understood his reasons just as he understood mine for finally saying ‘okay.' We've both made hard decisions and sacrifices throughout it all just to be together. Sadly, that seems all in vain now because I am here and he's there. It fucking sucks but that's the real of it. We speak on the phone and when I tell him I love him, he replies "Me too." It makes me smile inside because that is just like Brian Kinney. I tell him I want to come home and he says, "Suck it up, Sunshine. What you need isn't going to be found in the Pitts." It always causes a small argument with me stating that I can paint anywhere and him telling me to stay my ass in New York, to work hard and play harder. In my heart I know he's right-there's rarely a time he isn't-but it hurts so fucking bad. Sleeping has been almost non-existent so I work until I'm too exhausted to dream or want anything but sleep. My roommate, Lucas, keeps insisting that I need to get out more and mingle instead of work all the time. The problem is that I don't want to. I've already had the best homosexual on the planet. Nothing and no one compares to that.

 

Stepping off the train on my way back to my less than stellar existence, I'm reminded that I wouldn't have been able to move from point A to point B without Brian. If it wasn't for his patience and support after Chris Hobbs bashed me, I wouldn't survive the sea of humanity in the amazingly overcrowded place. Again I smile, remembering out game of hide and seek in the middle of Liberty Avenue . I wore blue that day. So did he. It's amazing how the smallest details become so clear when you least expect it like the fact that it wasn't overly warm in the sunny areas of the street but it was damn cool in the shade of the building where he was standing. I remember being bumped into several times by unknown people in my quest to find him. Several times I thought I would have a breakdown or that he'd left me and was probably waiting in the diner as an act of tough love. But then there he was...arms wide open, waiting for me to fill them. Just being able to make it to him without running and hiding restored my confidence and knowing that he would always be there at the end of the road gave me hope. But he isn't here now. That thought hurt to the core knowing that when I return home- or what I should consider home but don't- Brian isn't waiting. According to Mikey, he's back to 'Brian' before he met me and that's fine I guess. I should have expected it but it hurts just the same. Babylon has been re-opened and once again he's ‘Cock of the Walk.' Yet in my heart, I know that he is different. Drinking, drugs and dudes were always is means of existing, of coping before me and sometimes during the story of us. Maybe I should try it too but then that was never me. Besides there isn't anyone I trust enough to watch my back in case I get out of hand. The only people who really give a fuck about me at all are in a place I can't go right now.

 

It hasn't been all bad though. My first art show practically sold out-five sold before the art show even happened thanks to Simon Caswell. That cunty art critic has been an agent of sorts and introduced me to everyone and everything considered for building my name and reputation here in New York. I'm up to show number six which is about a week away. I still mourn the lost of my two most treasured paintings but they were the first to go and that's okay. They were of the last time Brian and I saw each other before I boarded a plane and said goodbye to all I knew. I hope they found good homes and people who will appreciate the significance of them because they sure as hell weren't easy to let go of. But I had to because they hurt too much to keep. In my mind's eye, I still see the bittersweet moments of promises made, of longing, of fear and expectation; of love hard won, captured and lost at the hands of others but mostly because of ourselves. Each time I have a show, I invite him but he doesn't come. I want to ask him why but I know deep down he'll just hand me bullshit. I should have let him come with me but I couldn't bring myself to say that I was wrong. Besides he was just becoming a major player in Pittsburgh's advertising market and I couldn't let him uproot that for me. It would have killed his success before it even got started and I believe in Brian Kinney too much to allow that to happen. So I told him that I needed to see who I could be without him guiding me; to see if I could soar on my own. Perhaps that's why every time I tell him how lonely or unfulfilled I am he tells me to stay here. Punishment? Maybe but the life lesson about riding out the choices you make is a definite.

 

Going up the stairs again since the elevator is out in the building, I have to laugh. This apartment definitely lacks the charm of my former apartment and studio as wel as the sophistication of Brian's loft and he wouldn't have thought twice to tell me. I often think of Britin, wondering if it sold after Brian placed it on the market the morning after the first and last dinner party there. It was supposed to be an engagement party but well things happen, right? Climbing the five flights of stairs though would never compare to floating from room to room in Britin. The space and natural light was amazing. It really was a palace on a sprawling estate and yes, more than I've ever wanted or dared to dream. Brian gave me that. I very rarely allow myself to think about the proposal or what came after because if I do, I'll never stop crying. Been there, done that but sometimes I find myself dreaming about what would have happened if I had said ‘no' to moving here. Would we have really moved into Britin? Could we have been happy? I know I could have but would Brian? That's one of the answers that will always remain a mystery because I'm here and he's there and Britin is long gone.

 

Too many memories. Too many unanswered and unanswerable questions have caused me to need a shower and a drink; not necessarily in that order. Lucas thankfully will be out for the rest of the night because honestly if he tells me I need to go out with him one more time, I think I'll scream or commit murder, or both. I just want my bottle of Jim Beam and some pure, unadulterated, dream-less sleep so that my mind will keep quiet. I want to forget that I'm the biggest fucking idiot for leaving the man I love. Most of all I want to stop feeling like I'm selling my soul for fame and fortune while accepting loneliness in place of love. I wish I could turn the emotion off like I do the lights maybe conserve my own energy. With that thought in mind, I head off to my room to change clothes. With any luck no one is on the rooftop deck and I can sit and drink in peace while listening to the blaring sounds of horns and the city around me. Stripping down, dropping clothes where ever they fall, there's a subtle shift in the air behind me. It's scary but familiar in every way that's impossible since he's not here. Maybe the introspection of my thoughts today has caused a bunch of mini-strokes or something and it's fucked up my nervous system somehow. I'll make an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. Resuming what I was doing before I started hallucinating, I grab one of my favorite t-shirts which says ‘Breakfast Included' and a pair of sweats, no need for underwear since I'm going up not down. I can't help but chuckle at my raunchy sense of humor. At least I haven't lost that. Brian would have laughed and given me a firm hand to my under-used ass. The night wasn't overly cool but it doesn't stop me from reaching out for the matching hoodie just in case I fall asleep up there. I've done it before and woke just in time to see the sunrise. No matter where you are it's always beautiful to see. The constant stirring of air is driving me fucking crazy and I find myself more anxious than ever to get out of this damn apartment.

 

Turning from the darkness of this gloomy room, I find myself stuck in place by the silhouette in the dark shadow of my doorway. I know it but I can't believe that what I am seeing is even possible let alone real. It doesn't make any sense... How?

 

"Hello, Sunshine."

 

Does my damn voice still work? Just one fucking word playing in my mind. "Brian."

 

What is it about your love

That draws me to you

And although this is not the first time

I've tried to get away

But the magic of your love

Just would not let me stray

So I find that I can't stay away from you*

 

Brian's POV

I tried to stay away from him. I really did. No one, except maybe Justin, knows how tough this has been for me. I busied myself with work and the club; fucked myself into a drug-induced stupor almost every fucking night since he's been gone. Not because I wanted to but because of the need to exorcise him from every pore on my body. It hasn't helped one damn bit. I've been late answering his calls and emails although we've managed to speak a few times. Every single time he's asked my to visit, I tell him no. Not because I don't want to but because I wasn't sure that I could leave him. I'm still not sure and I can't stop my stomach from doing whatever god-awful flip thing it always did just because we're occupying the same place at the same time. I even went so far as to miss his first art shows here even though he practically begged me to come. I received first hand information from those who did come- Emmett, Ted, Debbie and Jennifer. Daphne and Molly were the most vocal in telling me that I should have been there and that I was a dumb ass for not going. I just couldn't bring myself to be there. Michael cajoled me into going to Babylon when all I really wanted to do was sit in the loft and drink myself into oblivion. I guess I could never really hide that from him no matter how much I tried. I couldn't really expect him to understand that I just wanted to be left alone so I gave in. Even now, I feel guilty about it. I still haven't quite been able to put my all of my defensive walls back up since this little blond twink bulldozed through them.

 

There he is looking as fresh-faced and as innocent as ever. Beautiful. There was so much I could've said but I just wanted to watch him- something I've missed doing these past eighteen months. It feels like forever yet it feels like he's never left. How the fuck is that even possible? There are definite changes to his little twink physique I can appreciate a little less than I do the man himself. He's still slender, perhaps a little too much so. His arms and chest are more defined as are his legs. That perfect bubble butt hasn't diminished one bit. I wonder if it still fills my hands the same. The thing I have been unwilling to admit even to myself is that I've missed him every second of every day. I tried to give him the space he needs to grow into himself as a man and I still will but...damn this is so fucking hard. I didn't think it would be. Everyone has the right to live their lives as they see fit; to choose their own path but this path was basically chosen for me. I would never have signed up to feel like this- alone, bereft, deserted and disappointed that he didn't tell all of them to fuck the hell off and chose me instead. But again, I understand so much although I will always say very little. They've told him time and again that I'm no good for him; Michael has said the same of Justin to me numerous times but we proved them wrong for a time. To me, Justin is already my equal in all the ways that matter; he just has to see that.

 

"What are you doing here? How did you get in?" Justin asked me. It's still dark in his room but I don't want to turn on the light or break the spell. Mostly though I don't want him to see my look of longing until I can fully check it.

 

"Your room mate- Lucas?- he let me in before he left for the evening. I was asleep in his bedroom when you came in. I had a long day."

 

"How is business?"

 

"Where are you going?" I countered. I saw when he picked up our favorite drink and grabbed his jacket.

 

I watched the deep rise and fall of his chest as he answered. "To the roof."

 

I couldn't stop the chuckle that escaped. "What? Are you planning on jumping or something? Beam and roof tops generally make a bad combination."

 

"Would you care?"

 

"I always cared, Sunshine, you know that."

 

The silence was deafening between us. I could feel the emotions roiling through him; they were the same as mine. I knew there were questions he would want answered and perhaps he was entitled to them but that didn't mean I felt like sharing. Some things were always better left unsaid and without command of my own emotions it was time to become aloof. To be the Brian Kinney he'd first met. He stood directly in front of me. I didn't even realize when he moved but I felt the familiar, warm touch on my arm and his equally warm breath filtering through the t-shirt I have on. It took all the mental strength I could muster not to toss him on the bed and ravish him. My dick is so hard just from the slightest touch and breath but I don't want him this way. He's more than a fuck to me and has been for a very long time.

 

His voice when he spoke was dreamlike."Let's go," he whispered softly. He'd obviously been affected, too. If the light was on, I would swear he was blushing and the nostrils on his cute little button nose were flared.

 

He moved past me then and my hands itched like hell to touch him. I followed him to the end of the hallway, making a left and bounding up the short amount of steps behind him. Although his apartment was smaller and less sophisticated that what we had at the loft, the roof top was amazing and tastefully decorated. Plush benches sat under a canopy at the back wall. Someone was thought full enough to have several barbecues set up but what caught my eye the most was a round area reminding me of pictures I'd seen when I was a kid from Jack going fishing.

 

"Do you come up here often?" I asked, keeping a steady pace with him. As always those shorter legs moved extra fast when he needed to put distance between the source of agitation...namely me. I couldn't stop the mental smile forming at the thought that I still had some power over him. It made me feel better that it wasn't all one-sided.

 

"Yeah, I do. Mainly when I need to be alone." He led us to the benches furthest away from the door. They were surprisingly comfortable and actually accommodated my height. Justin had to climb up which caused me to chuckle a bit which I put in the form of a small exaggerated cough. It wouldn't due to start in on the height jokes just yet.

 

"You can't do that in your apartment?"

 

He smiled at me and my heart skipped several beats before it regained normalcy. God I missed that bright smile reserved only for me. I could tell but then I knew him better than anyone. I wonder if I still do.

 

"I can't always think in the apartment. Sometimes I just need fresh air and sound around me.It helps me to think and visualize."

 

"How the hell can you do anything but scream in this noisy place?"

 

"And just think you wanted to move here some years ago. Have you lost your hard-on for New York then?"

 

I shook my head at him. "I have a very different type of hard on for New York now."

 

"Why are you here, Brian?" He asked me, his eyes pleading for answers I was not prepared to give. What was I supposed to say? Justin come home; I want you? It doesn't matter that you don't have what I have, we'll share it? I knew what those thoughts would get me- what they always got me- a stubborn, hard-headed, angry twink who would rather strip for cash than ask for help. That had happened once before until he realized it was counterproductive to his career goals There were other rumors which had circled around about Justin quitting but it was Justin's tale to tell. If he didn't want me to know then entire story, then I wouldn't. Noise from the traffic below drifted up to invade the space we occupied but I couldn't concentrate on anything else but him.

 

"You've been asking me to come visit for over a year and I finally decided to grace you with my presence yet you question it? I just decided on a small vacation."

 

"Uh-huh. That still doesn't explain to me why you are here. Isn't it White Party weekend in Miami? I thought for sure you would have gone there."

 

"It's in Palm Springs actually and no I didn't want to go there." Taking a deep breath I gave him a variation of the truth which would satisfy him. "I missed you."

 

He nodded. "Oh I see."

 

"What do you see?" I asked genuinely curious. Justin and I always did have a freaky mind-reading thing happening.

 

"I see that you couldn't come the other times I asked but now you could. Does everything have to be on your own terms all the time, Brian?"

 

"What's that supposed to mean, Justin?"

 

He shook his head, taking a long swallow of the amber liquid. I grabbed the bottle knowing that if we were going to argue I would need to drink heavily.

 

"What do you want from me, Brian?" He removed himself quickly from the seat and began pacing. It was something I'd rarely seen him do. The last time I'd seen him remotely do anything like it was the night before our rehearsal dinner when we privately called the wedding off. Even though the space beside the bed was small, he managed to put every bit of agitation in every single step and flounce of movement sort of how he was doing now. Fuck that hurt to think about and everything about this situation sucks. "Look, Brian, you've come an awfully long way to not tell me what it is you want so just say what it is already."

 

I took the abandoned bottle of Beam between my lips and gulped hastily. The burn felt good going down, grounding me, centering me- giving me liquid courage. "Right now what I want is you. The rest we can work out later. I've missed you, Justin." And it was enough as he sat on my lap and kissed me, stealing my breath. God, he felt so damn good. I can only hope that what I really want is something he'll agree to because I really cannot let him go.

 

 

Closed off from love, I didn't need the pain

Once or twice was enough , but it was all in vain

Time starts to pass, before you know it you're frozen

But something happened, for the very first time with you

My heart melts into the ground, found something true

And everyone's looking round, thinking I'm going crazy*

 

Pittsburgh, March 2007

 

Fuck! If I don't finish this shit, I m going to miss my plane and have one seriously pissed off blond to contend with. And no one needs a "Stormy Sunshine," equipped with mumbles, grumbles and the silence. The silence or monosyllabic answers are the worst. I think I would just rather him yell but then we've always been better at non-verbal communication. Fortunately there has been a helluva lot of that these past six months. That night in September seems like it happened almost a lifetime ago. The ironic part is that I had spent part of the day in Toronto and at the last minute decided to book a flight to New York. Justin's address was fairly easy to get by threatening Theodore to fire him or to kill him if he didn't keep his mouth shut about why I wanted the information in the first place. I knew I could trust him but it always helped to have a little extra leverage with Ted especially where Michael and Emmett was concerned. Although he's happily married to Blake, I always thought he still carried the torch of unrequited love for Michael. Emmy Lou would end up trying to play matchmaker if he knew and that I didn't need or want. So it was easier for me to just threaten Ted under the penalty of death to keep his mouth shut about Justin and I. God knows we'd already had enough interference over the years and whereas sometimes it was a good thing, most of the time it wasn't- it was more of a nuisance.

 

"Cynthia, can you call Fred in the Art department and tell him if I don't have the slides for the new Brown campaign in five minutes, he's fired."

 

"Sure, Brian. Meanwhile, Michael is here to see you."

 

"Fuck! Send him in. Let's hope he makes it quick. I've gotta get to the Loft, grab my bag and catch that fucking plane. Have you put in the call to the car service yet?"

 

"I'm sorry, Mr. Kinney, but did I just meet you yesterday?" Cynthia answered snarkily. Strangely I like it when she does that.

 

"Alright, I forgot for second who I was talking to. Get to Fred and let me deal with this shit. And tell Ted I need to see him, too. He'll know why."

 

What the fuck does Michael want this time? Ordinarily, I wouldn't be so annoyed but I'm already running behind schedule due to the incompetency of others and sometimes he...

 

"Hey, Mikey. What brings you by?" The sooner I move this impromptu meeting along, the sooner I can go.

 

"What? I have to have a reason to stop by your office now?"

 

"It's not that but I'm extremely busy so what's wrong?"

 

"Nothing actually. Ben and I was hoping you could carve out a little time from your schedule to join us for dinner. We have an announcement to make." He smiled brightly at me, looking so hopeful.

 

Part of me feels really bad for having to decline but the other part...H'm not so much. Justin and I have been reduced to nightly phone sex for the past three months and our window of opportunity is more important right now. Nothing short of Gus will stop me from getting on that plane.

 

"Sorry but I have a plane to catch in about three hours."

 

"Oh. Where to this time? Gay Mardi-Gras in Australia or are you zipping across the ocean to Ibiza again?"

 

He's still smiling but it's a little tight now so I know he isn't happy but hey.. I haven't really been part of his world for awhile now in the same way I used to be. I can't say I regret that because my priorities have changed and we're just on different paths in our lives.

 

"What kind of announcement?"

 

"Ben got asked on a book tour. It seems his book "The Gift Giver" has reached international success and the publisher has book a tour over in Europe."

 

"That's great, Mikey. My congratulations to the Professor. When do you leave?"

 

"See that's the thing, Brian. We're leaving Sunday."

 

Ted walked in with his head buried in the file I was waiting for. Before I could alert him to my unsolicited guest he spoke. "Brian, Cynthia said you needed to see me like now before you miss your flight to New York."

 

"New York?" Michael incredulous and whiny voice reached my ears. Anytime that state was mentioned he had a bunch of shit to say and now Theodore had unwittingly fucked up the peace.

 

He finally looked up recognizing that it wasn't me who spoke. Schmuck! "Oh hi, Michael." He must have realized what he let slip because he did a double take looking between Michael and I. He handed me the portfolio and was about to leave the office.

 

"Stay there, Ted. I need to go over these figures with you." Turning toward Michael, I answered, "Yes. I am going to New York and I will not be back for the next two weeks."

 

"What are you going to New York for? Are you going to see that fucking twink?" He stood there belligerant with his arms folded petulantly across his chest. Part of me was tempted to put him in the corner and place a 'Dunce' cap on his head since he wanted to act like a child but no matter how humorous the image, I really didn't have time to placate him and his 'jealous mistress' routine. 

 

Taking a couple of surreptitious deep breaths, I'd hoped he would get my message loud and clear. Unfortunately, Mikey was always one you had to either treat with kid gloves or spell out the realities harshly. This was one of the times for harsh measures.

 

"First of all the ‘fucking twink' has a name. It's Justin. Secondly, it's really none of your fucking business why I'm going to New York. Just that I am. Whether I see Justin or not is again, none of your fucking business. End of discussion."

 

"But Brian-"

 

"What part of end of discussion was not clear, Michael? Now again, I have a plane to catch. I wish you a safe journey with the Professor on his book tour. Be sure to take lots of pictures and bring the kids back a few souvenirs." Crossing over to him, I ushered him toward the door during my speech and gave him the requisite kiss and hug as I shoved him none-too-gently through it. As always, he left me very little choice in how he needed to be dealt with. You would think he would have learned in all these years...

 

"Sorry about that, Brian. I didn't know he was even here," Ted said.

 

"Sorry's bullshit. He would have eventually found out that I wasn't going to be at his little dinner party tonight. Better it happened now than you all be given the third degree later. He'll get over it. Now is everything ready for my stay and the other matters?"

 

That seemed to snap Ted right out of his revere about the scene he'd just witnessed. "Everything has been arranged. The company apartment within the Trump has been aired out and cleaned thoroughly. I didn't think you would want to do the Langston this time. Some celeb wedding is going on this weekend and you wouldn't have been able to get in or out of the area. Anyway, I also set up a couple of Realtors appointments for you to see some properties that way you can actually feel like you're working when you aren't. We know you don't know how to relax even though you are in New York to do just that."

 

I'm always in awe of Ted's ability to organize the financial planning phase of my business which often includes impromptu trips and extended stays. And when did he get to know me so well? "The properties on paper look good and the specs seem like they would be met in either case. I'll check them out while Justin's busy painting or with his agent. By the way thanks for bringing these, too." I held up the slides I'd been waiting over three hours for. "Why didn't Fred bring them down here himself?"

 

"Brian-"

 

"The truth, Theodore. I promise not to fire you." I topped it off with a smirk so he would know I was serious. It's not his fault that Fred is slacking.

 

"Well if honesty is what you want, here it is, Bri: You have been an asshole for the last three weeks and I mean that in the most loving way possible." He expelled a harsh breath and rolled his heavenward in classic Ted Schmidt fashion. "Look...no one other than Cynthia and I know the reasons you have been extremely harsh with the staff. So go to New York and deal with Justin. When the time comes to get back to running the company, maybe you'll be calmer."

 

"Who says I'm not calm? I work hard and I expect everyone else to as well. I don't think that's so unreasonable, Ted."

 

Ted looked at me squarely, something I just noticed he's rarely done in the last month. Jesus is he right? "No one denies that you work just as hard if not more than the rest of us, Brian. In fact many- myself sometimes included- admire your tenacity and determination to succeed and move this company forward. That said, you can be quite a tyrant."

 

"A tyrant?"

 

"Hitler, Stalin, Caesar and Genghis Khan had nothing on you during those moments, Brian." Damn he compared me to Hitler? What the fuck? "That said, we all know you could use a vacation. So get out of here and let Cynthia and I do what you pay us exceptionally well to do which is run the company in your absence. Go enjoy yourself and more importantly go enjoy Sunshine."

 

I nodded because honestly there wasn't anything else I could do. Tricking, which had always gotten me through rough patches before, especially when Justin was in California, weren't cutting it for me lately. But before I go... "Listen, Ted, about the whole Justin thing. No one is to know about it except you, Cynthia and Emmett." I just decided that Ted is going to need the kind of help that only Emmett Honeycutt could provide. He had a way that was honest enough to say what needed to be said but in a way that only a southerner could deliver it...sweetly and at the same time scathingly. I had been on the receiving end of that once when Theodore was arrested. I had to admire him for standing up to me the way he did. That's what really made me want to help Ted. I would've helped him anyway but behind the scenes like I always did. Talking to Stockwell directly wasn't in the plan until Emmett-- then Mrs. Ted Schmidt-- came into my office at Vanguard and delivered a set-down that Lana Turner would have been proud of. Even though I'd never tell him that. He's a big enough Queen already. "But tell Emmett to keep quiet about it." 

 

"Why? You and Justin were going to be married. It would stand to reason that you would continue seeing each other."

 

"Really? Did you just see Michael's reaction? If you confirm instead of pleading the fifth or outright denying it, Justin and I will be over before we can really see where this goes."

 

"What do you mean, Brian? Justin loves you and I'll dare say that you feel the same. Why hide that?"

 

"Someday I'll explain it all to you, Ted but he specifically asked that no one know we've picked up again. You and Cyn had to be included for obvious reasons but no one else. Somehow I don't think he'll mind Emmett knowing too. Other than me, Emmy Lou's his gay best friend and fits a role sort of like Daphne does for him."

 

"So what do you want me to do about Michael tonight? You know everyone is going to be there."

 

He had a point. At news of Michael and Ben's impending departure even the Munchers are going to race across the border. Shit they may already be in Pittsburgh. I fucking gotta go. "Tell the truth without telling the truth. Meaning, yes I went to New York but as far as you know my schedule is full of meetings with clients which really isn't that far from the truth."

 

Ted nodded his head and smiled at me. "It's not lying, if they make you lie."

 

"Exactly, Theodore. Now get out of here. I have a plane to catch."

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Meanwhile in NYC...

Trying hard not to hear, but they talk so loud

Their piercing sounds fill my ears, try to fill me with doubt

Yet I know the goal, is to keep me from falling*

 

There is both a blessing and a curse in having clandestine meetings with Brian Kinney. The blessing: to know that he hasn't forgotten me despite the year and a half we hadn't seen each other. It's gratifying to know that I am both desired and desirable to him and that I get to have him all to myself without the family interrupting and scrutinizing every action or the words spoken or not. The curse is that he or I always have to leave and that I have an incessant horniness that no other trick can satisfy. Yeah we have our fair share of phone sex after we discuss the rigors of our day. Hearing him cum from my words is a very potent aphrodisiac but then the man is a walking wet dream, so that's no surprise. It's just that there is nothing in this world that can compare to feeling him. Still contrary to popular belief amongst those who are supposed to know us best, it's not just sex between he and I. Although I can't deny he makes me chronically dick-hungry, he and I actually have conversations- really deep conversations- that include just about everything which touches our lives, including business.

 

When we started these meetings, I wasn't sure it would work. It was nice having him here every other weekend but then he got really busy and so did I. I'd had commissions to do, art openings to attend for new artists, taking a few classes to finish up my degree for art school and my own work to finish for my own show which happened at the beginning of the year. That was weird and exciting and it was more so because he flew in. No one but Daphne and my mom knew he was here and of course they'd been sworn to secrecy. On his end only, Cynthia and Ted know what has been going on between he and I. I like it that way. Too many people were involved with what we were doing; it's no wonder we fell apart. But we didn't really, I guess. Maybe it's true what I've always heard my grandmother say: Absence makes the heart grow fonder. All I know is that having the option to resume our relationship as we've defined it, has been freeing in a sense. When he and I come together it's hot and sexy and fun. There's no pressure or demands beyond an ever-ready cock. And when he leaves, it sucks but I always know that he'll be back or that I'll sneak into the Pitts unnoticed. Seeing him also reaffirms my resolve to become his equal in every way.

 

"Justin, what are you thinking about over there?"

 

"Nothing much, Daph. Did I tell you that you'll have the whole apartment to yourself for a couple of weeks?" She'd transfered here to complete her medical degree.

 

At first, her folks were worried about her coming here. After all this is New York and the entire city is the very definition of distraction. There's always someplace to go, something to see and someone to do. Yet Daph graduated Carnegie Mellon in the top two percent of her class regardless of all the college parties she attended. She'd even managed to blackmail me into attending a few. It was good having her here though. Lucas had gotten his dream job in Spain as a sous chef to some guy who cooks for the rich and famous over there. If Daphne hadn't decided to transfer when she did, I would have ended up with someone it would have taken time to get to know. No thank you.

 

She answered snarkily. "Yes you've only told me that you wouldn't be here a gazillion and one times. I just hope you know what you're doing, Justin. I don't want to see you hurt again."

 

I couldn't help but roll my eyes heavenward. This was the same speech my mom gave when I told her that Brian and I would be trying a different spin on our non-relationship, which will still enable me to work full-time on my career but keep the man I love beyond reason in my life. "I won't be, Daphne. Brian and I are in this with eyes wide open."

 

"And what if he decides this time that the arrangement no longer serves him, Justin? What if he says he's tired of traveling from Pittsburgh here and decides that it's time to go your own ways? What then?"

 

Her words pained me but I stood stoically. Brian and I had talked about it. "Then it would be fine, Daphne. It's his decision just as it is mine. When it no longer serves its purpose then it's finished. No apologies, no excuses and no regrets; it's just done but we'll always be friends regardless."

 

My stomach growled again as I looked at the clock noting the time and mentally calculating how long it would take to get from the apartment to the airport. Thankfully Brian had the forethought to include me when he ordered the limo. I never would have been able to get to La Guardia Airport with my rather large duffel bag. Taking out the turkey, cheese and mayo, I grabbed the bread and got busy trying to keep the incessant growling to a minimum. I offered to fix Daphne one, too but she declined.

 

"Justin-"

 

"Daph, don't," I said the warning clear in my voice but seeing the dejected look on her face I had to ease her mind. I didn't want to see her hurt especially by my hand; not when she is trying to protect me in her own way. "Daph, you know I never make a move unless I've thought of everything and re-rationalized it then killed it, resurrected it through mental CPR and repeated the process until I come to a decision. You know me better than anyone except perhaps Brian himself."

 

She nodded and the tension in my shoulders relaxed marginally.I didn't think she was placated one damn bit.

 

"Fine but what do you want out of all this, Justin? If your career keeps the upward mobility it's gaining, you guys may not be able to see each other as much as you do now. Are you really prepared for that and more importantly, is he?"

 

I chewed my sandwich processing all that she said. She was right. That was the one topic we had avoided. Not because we intentionally omitted it but because we were laying out other terms and doing what we do in our own way- he presents a scenario, I say ‘no fucking way'-and then we end up fucking not having decided anything. "Well it looks like we'll have something to talk about after I blow him and fuck his brains out."

 

"Ewww. TMI, Justin. Seriously." She shook her head and I burst out laughing.

 

"Don't ‘Ewww Justin' me. The grunting and squeaking mattress from your room the other night were pretty good indicators that I wasn't the only one in this apartment with dick on the brain or wanting dick in me-"

 

"Damn it, Justin! Now my glass of milk doesn't taste right."

 

I laughed harder then glad to have avoided a potentially friend-ending- well at least for three hours- argument. "Look Daph, I know you'll be worried that Brian will push me off the infamous Kinney Cliff which he has managed to throw all of our close friends and family over one time or another, including you if I recall.

 

"Yeah I remember being pushed off Mount St. Kinney very well which is how I actually came to be in New York with you." She laughed at the memory. "I'd snuck outside on the day of graduation to call you but ran into Brian instead which I thought was strange at first. He'd bought me a check as a graduation gift. You always said he believed in celebrating accomplishment and he said he couldn't think of one better than me graduating college. We sat down and he asked me what my plans were. I asked him for an impartial view on telling my parents that I wanted to study here. Before I could give him all the reasons my folks would not agree, your mom had come to look for me and found us. When I introduced him to my parents, he boldly said that we were just speaking about me continuing my education at Weill Medical College or NYU. They were dumbfounded because I had yet to bring it up. I wanted to drop straight through the floor but it worked out. Had he not put me in that awkward position in the first place, I don't think I would have ever told them what I wanted as opposed to just living how they wanted me to live."

 

"Yeah, Brian has a way of doing things that requires the people he considers friends- family really- to live their best life."

 

"Well you're making strides everyday, Justin. He would be proud of you."

 

I nodded. "I've learned to accept that he may never tell me that but he shows it."

 

"I know he does judging by that silly, goofy look that you have on your face."

 

I laughed. "I don't have a goofy look on my face. The last thing I can be in reference to Brian Kinney is doe-eyed and innocent. I'll leave that for Michael."

 

"Speaking of which..." she picked up my cell phone which I hadn't even realized was ringing. "You should call him back. It says four missed calls."

 

"Yeah I guess I should. You don't think anything happened with Debbie do you?"

 

She shrugged as she handed me the phone.

 

"...Hey Michael. Everything okay?"

"...Why would Brian be here with me?"

"...Oh-I hadn't heard he was coming to New York. I think it's great that Ben has a book tour. When do you leave?"

"...Wow Sunday, huh? That soon? Sorry I won't be able to say goodbye to Ben."

"...Honestly it isn't any of your business if he and I see each other or not but if we do, we do. If we don't we don't."

"...Look Michael, Brian is a grown man. He does what and who he wants. If you have an issue with that then you should probably talk to him about it."

"...You know what I'm not doing this with you. Have a safe trip, Michael. Goodbye."

 

"I take it Michael is none too happy that you and Brian will be occupying the same state."

 

I shook my head. "Michael isn't happy that Brian and I are occupying the same continent but he can just get the fuck over it. He's seriously co-dependent. I mean here he is married, legally in Toronto and in a civil union here in the States, yet he still feels that he has a monopoly on Brian."

 

"And do you feel that way, too?"

 

I rolled my eyes at her question but answered honestly. "It took me a long time to figure out why Brian refused to acknowledge that we actually have or had a relationship. It keeps us from hurting each other or harboring ill will of any kind especially if we don't work out for whatever reason."

 

"But you've hurt each other anyway so I'm not understanding," she said.

 

"He only hurt me when I didn't see what he was trying to show me. I hurt him by refusing to see it. By not having an acknowledged ‘lock' on our relationship, we both had the freedom to choose each other daily as opposed to being in something we didn't want to be."

 

"But he still asked you to marry him?"

 

"Yeah. In part because he thought it was something I wanted. The other reason was he was scared to lose me. at least that's how I saw it at the time."

 

"Brian? Scared? Have you been smoking that eighty bucks for an eighth of chronic he smokes? You must have hit that good shit really hard to think Brian Kinney is scared of anything."

 

I laughed. "No, I haven't touched the stash he left me. I just understand him a lot better now and certainly better than our so called friends. The fact that he wasn't willing to lock me into something which no longer served me was the greatest gift he could have ever given me. It gave me freedom."

 

"So where does that leave you both now? Do you still want marriage?"

 

" It leaves us exactly where we want to be; with each other but without the worry of obligation. We may revisit the idea of marriage someday but it's not really a priority for me anymore. Brian and I really aren't like Mel and Lindz or Michael and Ben. We see life differently than they do. It's enough for me to know that he loves me, whether he acknowledges it verbally or not and I think it's always been that way for him, too. Actions show what words hide most of the time. Speaking of which...I better get myself to the airport before he thinks I'm not as anxious to see him as he is to see me. He should be landing in about an hour."

 

"'So what happens if either of you begin to want more?"

 

"I guess we'll discuss it when and if that ever happens but for right now I'm content just to have time with him, uninterrupted and uninhibited. I think we've both earned that." I grabbed my garment bag and duffel, gave Daphne a hug and kiss and left the apartment.

 

But nothing's greater, than the rush that comes with your embrace

And in this world of loneliness, I see your face

Yet everyone around me, thinks that I'm going crazy*

 

"Mr. Kinney's plane should be arriving on time, Mr. Taylor."

 

"Thanks, Sal. I think I'll try to take a brief nap before we get there. Can you wake me about ten minutes before our arrival?"

 

"Sure thing Mr. Taylor."

 

I laid my head back and closed my eyes but sleep didn't come easy at all. My mind was filled with the well-meaning questions Daphne had asked and the vicious probing of one Michael Charles Novotny. I swear if I could have gone through the phone and choked him, I would have. It took every ounce of willpower I had not to respond to his snide comments and subtle innuendos. His whiny voice grated on my nerves as hearing someone scratch on a chalkboard would. For some reason, he refuses to let Brian grow up without his interference. I guess I could say the same thing about Lindsey, too but it's a different kind of box Lindsey's placed him in. With Michael, it's like Brian can't even take a piss without him having to know about it or he must try to talk Brian out of an action he has nothing to do with. Hopefully he won't reach across the ocean to try doing the same. All of them are guilty of placing limits on Brian and yeah maybe I've been a little guilty of that, too. Part of me wanted him to change and then when he did, I got scared. He was turning into a Stepford fag when I just wanted the person I'd fell in love with under a street lamp so long ago. Based on the examples of relationships before him, it was no wonder why he became a pod person.

 

What should have only taken twenty minutes on the Bruckner/Grand Central Expressway ended up taking forty-five minutes to reach La Guardia in East Elmhurst. For some reason, the same construction that had began when I first arrived almost two years ago, still isn't complete but whatever. The traffic just trying to find the correct terminal from the highway was enough to make Brian queenout. He was never the most patient man I'd ever met. I practically jumped out of the car while it was still moving in order to reach the baggage claim on time. I never brought him to the airport when he was leaving, preferring not to think about his return trip to Pittsburgh but I absolutely had to be here for his arrival. I arrived at the baggage claim for Liberty Air just as he was coming out of the passenger area. I watched his eyes search for me; saw the immediate recognition and instantaneous heat flare in them. I felt the urgency of his walk as he reached me, pulling me into his embrace. Inhaling deeply I smelled the hint of his aftershave, his cologne and the scent that was uniquely his own. Home. It was what Brian always was to me. Home.

 

"Hey," I said reluctant to let go but also realizing that we had to get out of the sea of humanity swarming to pick up their own luggage.

 

"Hey Sunshine," he said his eyes holding mine captive. God I have missed this man.

 

"We should probably get going. Traffic was a bitch getting here. I'm almost sure it will be about the same or worse getting back into Manhattan."

 

We grabbed his garment bag and headed toward the exit. The silence would have been awkward if I didn't know what he was thinking especially when he looked at me. Every nerve ending on my body stood at attention as he continually perused me. Never one to feel intimidated in the presence of Brian Kinney, I returned his regard, biting and licking my bottom lip and making my intentions explicitly clear. He got the message, indicated by that sexy eyebrow lift he does and the subtle twist of his lips. Sal finally pulled the car to the curb and Brian tossed his luggage carelessly in the trunk of the limo. Climbing in behind me, he kissed me urgently and I returned it. God have mercy but he felt so damn good. Brian pulled away from me briefly as Sal pulled out into traffic.

 

"How long before we reach the hotel, Sal?"

 

"Based on the time it took us to get here, I would say about forty-five minutes to get to the Trump in So Ho, Mr. Kinney."

 

Pressing the button to roll up the partition, Brian leaned into me again. He held me firmly as he dragged me across the seat to straddle his lap.

 

"Careful of your suit, Brian. The last thing you want to do is go into the hotel in a rumpled Armani."

 

"Fuck the suit," he said succinctly.

 

I laughed because I couldn't help it. It was such a Brian to say. "Although we both know you belong there, you might as well look like you do."

 

"Well what about you? You look like an artist."

 

"I am an artist," I reminded him laughingly. "Besides there are a lot of galleries down there and I bought my Boss suit just in case. I figured if we were going out for dinner, I'd change beforehand."

 

"Do you want to go out for dinner?" he asked applying his lips just under my chin where he knew I liked.

 

"I would rather be dinner."

 

"Damn you're wicked. First you all but tell me I can't fuck you in here then you offer for me to bite, lick and swallow you." He punctuated each word with the accompanying action as I tried over and over to suppress the moans bubbling up.

 

"I learned from the master," I said.

 

It was Brian's turn to laugh. "Good one, Grasshopper. So what would you like to do since we have to wait to fuck?"

 

I thought a moment and then smiled innocently. "I just said that you couldn't get rumpled. I never said I couldn't blow you."

 

Brian smiled back at me while shaking his head. "Still incorrigible. Well go to it and who knows...I may even have time to return the favor from the way this traffic looks."

 

I slid off the bench seat onto my knees in front of him. My eyes drank him in, some part of me refusing to believe that he was really here and not just another of the numerous wet dreams I'd had since September last year. He must have had the same feeling because when he grabbed my nape, his fingers dug in creating a painful pleasure. Suppressing another moan, I leaned in and kissed him. Kissing Brian was like watching him eat ice cream. Enthralling. Seductive. Sensual. He tasted faintly of smoke and Johnny Walker Black label and that special something that is undeniably Brian. I can't understand how I've managed to live without the taste of him these past months. The moan I've been trying to keep at bay finally passes my lips as our tongues wrestle briefly for dominance until I let mine be caught, captured and subdued. I could almost cum with the way he sucks my tongue into his mouth. As with every time I kiss him, I welcome the foggy and faintly dizzy feeling, as if he's pulling tension I never knew I had out of me only to replace it with a slightly intoxicated feeling. He feeds me his moans as I whimper trying unsuccessfully to get closer. My hands which are planted firmly in his hair grip and pull at the strands desperately, flexing my fingers against his scalp as the kiss picks up in speed and intensity. My temperature spikes as he explores every nook and cranny of my mouth and throat. The craving to taste the rest of Brian is uncontrollable and honestly, I don't want to control it. I want to indulge it, revel in; unleash that which has been held in check for far too long. He creates a thirst and hunger in me that can never be satisfied completely. He is the only one I have met or hooked up with that can render me totally and completely insatiable. Even after he has fucked me so hard and so much that I can barely stand, sit or crawl all I want is... more.

 

My hands fly to his groin, at first rubbing him vigorously through the soft material of his slacks. The silky feel of the fabric glides under my palm as a find his member, mercilessly caressing it through his clothes.

 

"Justin, please-"

 

He's panting and I'm loving knowing that he is as desperate and turned on as I am to have his beautiful dick down my throat. His eyes haven't left mine as I continue to jerk his fully clothed cock off while I whisper for him not to come. It's been awhile for him, possibly as long as it's been for me. I can tell by his hypersensitive reaction to my touch. His last groan tells me how close he is and he's chewing on his bottom lip to keep from blowing his load in his pants instead of where we both want it. Never breaking eye contact, I go ahead and release him while relishing his reaction to not only being free from the constriction of Armani but to the cool air coming through the window I cracked to add to the sensations. Being as much a sensualist as Brian had its perks and I was always a quick study. He became even harder as the air breezed passed over the head of his weeping cock. He closed his eyes to steady himself against the feeling but I wouldn't let him regain his senses as I chose that moment to deep-throat him.

 

"Ugh!"

 

The loud grunt which escaped him was so gratifying to hear. I repeat the action, pulling him out of the hot cavern of my mouth to let the cooler air heighten his excitement before delving in again. On the downstroke I hollow my cheeks while letting my tongue massage his balls. My hands creep under his shirt to play with his nipples while I swallow around his cock. I have dreamed of this for too many nights to let it end quickly. His gaspy moans are coming quicker by the second so I back off, giving his body a chance to calm before I begin all over again. Adding a little pain to his pleasure, I run my nails firmly down the front of his chest eliciting a slight hiss from him. One of his hands is tangled firmly in my hair as he subtly tries to control the exchange by pumping his hips upward. I grip them hard to still them and resume sucking him. With his hips firmly imprisoned in my hands he can't ease himself by moving nor can he rush me. I decide to take him down my throat and keep him there, swallowing around it ever so often or lashing his slit with my tongue.

 

"Oh God, Justin. Please-"

 

I smile at him with my mouth full of him. He knows what I am doing. I'm staking my claim- marking my territory even though it has been marked for six years now. A reminder never hurt anyone especially not in the case of Brian Kinney. I acknowledge him smugly even knowing that he will find ways to pay me back for this torment which I ultimately look forward to. Winking at him, I decided to give him the release he desperately needs. Once again I set to the business of pleasing him, allowing my teeth to graze the nerve endings ever so often and causing his pelvis to jerk upward...hard. I release his hips from the prison of my hands and let him pull and tug at my hair as if they are reins while he rides my mouth hellbent for leather. It's times like these that I am extremely grateful for not having a gag reflex. It allows him to pound as much and as hard as he wants without the ‘unthinkable' happening. I notice the change in his breathing, which as become shallow, his gasps are coming in rapid succession and his pupils are dilated- looking more glittering green than brown or gold. If I could, I would jerk off while catering to him but that's impossible thanks to my own partial fixation on very unforgiving cargo pants. It's okay though because this is for him.

 

"Justin. Justin. Justin!"

 

Yes! I love it when in the midst of his orgasm, he chants MY name and no other. I missed that, missed this and all it entails. Anyone can give Brian a blow job. Hell countless people have, countless people will and countless people want to but none of them are me. As I kneel here drinking down his essence, I know that and strangely I'm at peace with it. Maybe it's because I know who holds his heart. I remember the words he spoke when he first fucked me: ‘I want you to always remember this so that no matter who you're ever with, I'll always be there.' I guess this is my way of ensuring the edict isn't just one sided and never will be. My oral fixation is telling on me- the temptation to suck him hard and drain him dry all over again is strong- but I know we have to be nearing the hotel by now. So I reluctantly tuck him back in and help him to readjust his clothes; make sure his hair shows no signs that my fingers have been mercilessly assaulting the luxurious strands so that ‘Brian Kinney high-powered business man' is firmy back in place. As for me, I'm as adjusted for this moment as I'm going to get- a hard and horny twink- at least in the gay public's eyes but Brian knows differently. It's why I'm still around and have no plans as of yet to go anywhere.

 

And it's draining all of me

Or they find it hard to believe

I'll be wearing these scars, for everyone to see

But I don't care what they say, I'm in love with you

They try to pull me away, but they don' t know the truth

My heart's crippled by the vein that I keep on closing

You cut me open and I keep bleeding love*

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Pass Interference in Pittsburgh....

 

Ted and Emmett arrive at Vittorios for Michael and Ben's Bon Voyage party only to bear witness to the major queen-out of Michael Novotny.

"Do you know what that little shit had the nerve to say to me, Ma? ‘Honestly Michael it isn't any of your business if we see each other or not. If we do, we do. If we don't, we don't.' Just who the fuck does Justin think he is?"

 

Emmett just shook his head and subtly rolled his eyes. He was happy Justin decided to stand up to Michael who was always petulant and overbearing where Brian and Justin were concerned. No one had been happy to see Justin go except Michael, although he tried to hide it behind his innocent facade. Brian just went along to keep Michael from giving him shit about it but Emmett knew Brian missed Justin terribly and vice versa. When they visited Justin in New York for his first art showing, Emmett's heart broke for Justin as he covered his feelings about the one person he wanted there not appearing. Emmett would have loved to hate Brian and give him the scathing dressing down Debbie had done in his absence but he knew better. While dancing the night away at Therapy, Emmett had given Brian a detailed account of everything that happened including what Justin wore and how he looked...even if he looked like he was eating properly and getting enough rest all the while watching Justin self-medicate with E, Jim Beam and men in the backroom. When Emmett had thought Justin had enough pain management, they went out for a bite to eat along with Ted and Daphne, deliberately excluding Michael. Justin didn't need his brand of bullshit that night and he still didn't.

 

With that in mind Emmett let Ted step in to deal with the jealous housewife who was married to someone else. As Kinnetik's CFO, he had an uncanny ability to defend Brian and his business while still covering for Brian which would not be disputed under any circumstances.

 

"All ready for your big trip, Michael?" Ted said by way of introduction into Michael's rant.

 

"Yeah, Ted. I can't believe Brian ditched my party to go to New York. You know this isn't the first time he's done this and to top it all off, he isn't even answering his cell phone."

 

"Well you know Michael, Brian probably hasn't landed yet and even if he did, he has a full schedule beginning with a business dinner in about an hour. But I couldn't help but overhear...why did you call Justin?"

 

"I wanted to know if he and Brian had plans to see each other while he's there. Why?"

 

"That was my next question to you. Why should it matter to you? You're about to go to...Where are you guys going again?"

 

"Europe," Michael answered distantly. "The book tour starts in Budapest. We'll be gone for almost six months."

 

"Well now see there you go, Michael. While Brian will be entertaining boring suits and working for a living, you will be touring Europe. Who do you think has the better deal?"

 

Emmett snickered at the veiled reference to Michael's mixed up priorities which of course went right over Michael's head. He could have stayed and worked to make the store's revenue better so that he could send Mel a bit more for little JR but he was more concerned about being with Ben for the six months he'd be away. "I think I could use a Cosmo. Ready, Teddy?"

 

"More than, Em. You coming, Michael?" Ted asked, walking off and not waiting for an answer.

 

Em whispered to him. "You handled that really well, Teddy. I'm proud of you."

 

Ted smiled acknowledging the compliment. "I learned from the Master."

 

"The Brian Kinney School of Evasion and Diversionary Tactics? Remind me to sign up for the ‘Sarcasm with Style' seminar, will you?"

 

Both of them burst out laughing and grabbing their drinks, Em and Ted stood by the bar watching the rest of the drama unfold until it was time for dinner. Round two of Where's Brian and Who's he doing? was coming up since Melanie and Lindsey had arrived from Toronto.

 

"Ted, sweetie, you up for one more? Looks like Michael just told Lindz where Brian is," Emmett pointed out and judging by the look on Lindsey's face, it was going to be two petulant children sulking at the dinner table. Lindsey and Michael literally looked like they lost their best friend.

 

Ted sighed. "It seems I have to stay up, working for Brian Kinney and not in a positive, life-affirming way either." He just hoped that Brian would be able to enjoy his time with Justin. It would make all the subterfuge truly worth it.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Secrets and Bri in New York

 

They never did make it to dinner, opting to order room service instead. Brian suggested it stating that since it was their first time seeing each other in months, he didn't feel like sharing Justin not even with a restaurant full of strangers. He didn't receive any complaints in return. Justin was perfectly happy to prance around the hotel room naked while munching on whatever Brian ordered as long as it included a burger and fries. Once they'd finished dinner, Brian settled on the couch in the suite while situating Justin in between his legs. Talking softly and holding hands, Brian got caught up on the main events in Justin's life and vice versa. As was their custom they discussed business and school concerns. Although Brian was technically on vacation, he still had a few clients to see while he was in New York and Justin had a few art openings to attend, some for himself; others for newer artists. In addition to that he needed to find a new agent and another attorney. The one he had right then was a pain in his ass, not negotiating the terms of each contract in the specific way Justin laid out figuring he was just a kid and didn't know the difference.

 

"The idiot has costs me more than a few thousand dollars."

 

"How much is a ‘few,'" Brian asked.

 

Justin hesitated before answering. "Ball park figure by my calculations is about twenty of them. The fucked up thing is that they were willing to pay me my asking price. I really think the fucker is embezzling the money but I can't prove it."

 

"Well then it's time to get rid of him. Did you sign a contract?"

 

Justin nodded. "Yeah. It's up in a couple of weeks which is also the reason I want to find a new agent as well. I would rather sever all ties with him and those affiliated with him."

 

"That's smart business, Sunshine but isn't the art world a lot like publishing books where everyone knows everyone. How are you going to find another on such notice without contacts in the New York art scene?"

 

"I already have a prospect for the attorney. Her name is Myrna Singleton and she's a fan of my work. The reason I wanted to interview another is for comparison but honestly, I think she would work in my favor. Finding an agent will be a bit more difficult. In the meantime I started a business which has been doing okay so far. It's nothing big but redesigning company logos is another method of advertising my work and getting paid to do so. I actually run it a lot like Kinnetik in that the designs are all original and per my contract directly with the companies, they pay me a fee up front then after a year the contract can be renewed and they can decide whether they want to pay me yearly for use of the copyrighted work."

 

Brian kissed the top of his head. One of the things he'd always loved about Justin Taylor was his ambition and his ability to see an opportunity to make himself better. He was right not to go to Dartmouth the way his father had wanted him to, primarily because it would have been a wasted experience. If Justin had questions he would be very specific in the phrasing to get the desired answer. Other than that, the acumen he needed to make a success of himself and help his business to grow, was a skill Justin was born with and it was something no school could teach him.

 

"I think Lindsey mentioned something about this to me the last time I went up to visit Gus. I like the idea and if you don't mind, I'd really like to send a few clients your way from time to time. I often get clients who can't afford the Kinnetik fee so I have to turn them down. The problem is that they have the potential to be great companies but don't initially have the financial backing. She doesn't know that we've seen each other or are still seeing each other. Emmett does though."

 

Justin nodded. "I don't mind that she and the others don't know. Cynthia, Ted and Emmett are different cases. The first two happen to be involved in your business so it's only right. As far as Em goes, there's a good chance that he'll help Ted run interference so it's best that he's at least told where you are so he can help evade the truth as we know it."

 

"You don't seem worried that he'll tell anyone or let it slip."

 

"That's because I'm not," Justin said matter-of-factly. "The one thing you have never learned about Emmett- which amazes me really since you've known him longer- is that if you ask him to keep your confidence, he'll take your secret to the grave."

 

Brian slyly asked, "So-um- what have you told him?"

 

Justin laughed. "Nice try, Old Man but I'm not telling."

 

"You're sure you won't tell me of your own free will?"

 

Justin shifted his body around to face Brian, smile firmly planted. "Absolutely not."

 

"Even under tickle torture?" Brian jabbed Justin in his ribs causing his body to jerk in response.

 

"Not even then but you forget something, Mr. Kinney."

 

"And what's that?" Brian asked applying his finger to the same spot causing a little giggle to escape Justin.

 

"That you are just as ticklish as I am."

 

And an all out war was waged between Brian and Justin until they both collapsed against each other in exhaustion and horniness.

 

"God, I have missed you," Brian said breathlessly.

 

Equally exhausted, Justin answered. "It's your own fault but I understand."

 

Brian pulled him close, silently agreeing with Justin's assessment but he'd had things to do and he wouldn't trust anyone else to see to the renovations of Britin. He wouldn't even tell Justin that he kept the house because he knew Justin would want to pack everything up and move even as they laid there. He had a great momentum going. The house would be there when he was ready to live in it full-time no matter how long it took. In the meantime on Justin's incognito trips to the Pitts they would stay in the loft.

 

"Remind me to leave the new alarm code with you before..."

 

"Tell you what..give it to me now so I can lock it in the phone. That way we don't have to talk about the inevitable," Justin responded, trying to keep the lightness of the moments before in his voice. "Why did you change the code anyway?"

 

"I got tired of the revolving door." Justin looked at him as if he'd grown an extra head. "What?"

 

"I just never thought that would happen is all."

 

"Why would you say that?" When Justin hesitated, Brian encouraged him to continue. "You can be honest you know."

 

"It's just that for five years that code has been the exact same. We talked about changing it countless times and never did."

 

Brian nodded. He was right, they had talked about it and then Brian would never get around to it. Then Brian had rebelled against it saying that it was just one more thing for him to remember. There was always a reason not to change it. It was almost as if the code defined his identity in some way. It seemed like such a simple thing but the code had actually meant freedom to him. 0713 was the day soccer practice started; the day he moved into the dorm at the Carnegie and escaped Jack and Joan's clutches for good. Every time he punched in that code to the access the loft- his home- he mentally sighed in relief knowing he was one day further away from the hell he'd grown up in. So yeah, it was hard to change but not anymore.

 

With Michael feeling it was his duty to drop by all the time for reasons unknown, it had become a nuisance. Last week he'd stepped out of the shower, walked naked into his bedroom only to find Michael sitting on his bed- on Justin's side - reading a magazine like belonged there. Brian had kicked him out immediately. It was almost like he was looking for something; like he was expecting something. Although Brian hadn't confronted him about it, the entire situation was beginning to make him uncomfortable. He'd stopped taking tricks to the loft long before Justin left for New York and hadn't had anyone there since. Perhaps that was what Michael was looking for- confirmation that Brian was back to his definition of ‘normal' but Brian had no desire to go back to that existence. Sure he still fucked around but he did it outside of the home he and Justin shared; outside of the last place he made love to Justin (for that was what it was). Sometimes in the middle of the night while he laid there alone he thought he could still smell Justin on his sheets. He wouldn't allow anyone to take the spot next to him- not an anonymous fuck and not Michael Novotny.

 

"Hey." Justin nudged him. "Where'd you go?"

 

"Nowhere. The code is 2917 but keep that to yourself." Brian placed a kiss on Justin's upturned lips as he watched the significance of the new code sink in.

 

Justin smiled brightly. "The ages we met and Gus' birthday rolled into one. Who says you're not sentimental?"

 

"I'm not. It just seemed logical." Brian brushed it off as he usually did when he was caught doing something out of character.

 

"Uh-huh. You do know you can't hide from me right, Brian? But I'm willing to let you have your delusion of autonomy for now." Justin smiled before leaning in to kiss him.

 

Brian happily obliged so Justin wouldn't go back on his word to let him keep his own thoughts or the delusion of it anyway. Justin was right that he couldn't hide from him but it didn't stop Brian from trying or wishing that he could. He wasn't used to being read as easily as Justin could even after over a year's separation. The only advantage was that Brian could read Justin's moods as well as he understood his own. Brian deepened the kiss while using his legs to lock Justin's body against his. It felt good just to be there with him, nothing between them- no clothes, no telephone, no interruptions. By agreement, especially since it was a working vacation for the both of them, they turned their phones off for the night just to concentrate on each other. If there was an emergency of any kind both Cynthia and Daphne had the number to the hotel. Even though Brian acted like it didn't matter to him, he was damned happy Justin suggested it. Being with his lover took the stress off him and judging by the steady stream of sighs coming from Justin, the feeling was mutual.

 

Brian's POV

God, I love touching him. Just the feel of his skin against mine appeals to every fucking hedonistic fantasy I could imagine and some I haven't even thought of yet. He's more addictive than anything I've ever used for pain management. In fact when I'm with him, whether we're fighting or fucking, I don't feel pain. Strong emotions, yes, but not pain. It's only when I'm not with him that it's back and beyond its normal full measure because he isn't with me. My blond is a drug all by himself: his mind which is keenly intelligent, his heart which will always belong to me and his body- his ass alone...whew! Every bit of his responsiveness is mine as well as his ability to please and satisfy me mentally as well as physically. Every hitch of his breath, breathes life into me and I can't get enough of them; I never will.

 

I continue to kiss him roughly and more thoroughly, pulling the moans and groans from my lover with every swipe of tongue with a renewed determination to lay claim to every crook and crevice of Justin's mouth. I want him to understand everything...my constant want for him now and permanently, my other hopes that our separation will draw to a close quickly, my dreams of designing a life with him and only him, my need for him and all the other things I can't or won't say. It isn't that I don't understand Justin's need for independence-I do- but it sucks not having the only person who knows me to be so far away. And I can't shake the urgency and anxiety which spikes within me at the thought that our idle will once again end soon in exchange for power and success. I have to make every second count because ultimately right now that's all we have.

 

"Stand up, Jus," I say unlocking my legs from around his lithe form. He's so fucking beautiful as he looks down at me expectantly. He always had the ability to look innocent even though I know differently. I know the side of him that craves my cock, that rides it like a natural cowboy does a horse and the side that fucks like a man possessed, driven and demanding from the bottom. Is there any wonder that I can't get enough of him?

 

The one advantage to being on the top floor of this hotel was the unparalleled view of the New York City skyline. It inspires me to make this first night of our two weeks unique and memorable. It would have to sustain us after all. I won't lie and say that I can be satisfied by other men. I can't. I've learned that there is a big difference between sated and satisfied when it comes to sex and Justin is the only one who satisfies me. So shutting off all the lights in the penthouse suite, I open the balcony door but don't step out onto the terrace. Again, I note that look of innocence mixed with anticipation in his eyes. I know he doesn't quite understand what I'm doing yet...but he will. I hear the shivery gasp escape him as I press Justin's back against the cool glass of the big bay window. The hard tremble that wracked his body makes me smile mentally knowing that he will heat up quickly from the warring sensations I'll cause. Pressing my heated body into his, I lean in to kiss him again still feeling the slight tremble as he tries to get himself back under control. But I don't want him controlled- not at all. Justin moans as he wraps himself around me while I begin to explore his body with my hands and tongue. I bite quickly then lick at the spot behind his ear, the place I know drives him crazy with lust quickly. And that's what I want...Justin mindless with his lust for me. I love tormenting that ultra-sensitive patch of skin almost as much as I love rubbing myself against my lover. His groan as I finger-fuck his nipples has me smiling against his neck. I know what I'm doing to him as he squirms trying to get away only to writhe back into me because of the coolness of the glass at his back. It's times like this I miss the hoop earring he used to wear in his right one. Just as I'd gotten rid of the bracelet which defined me, Justin had taken out the hoop which signified his freedom and departure from his WASP upbringing in favor of what he wanted most...me. I used to tease him about being a rebel and in a lot of ways Justin was but he was also my conscience which I feared and respected. Rolling the little nubs into two hard points, I shove my tongue back into his mouth to swallow his reaction to my touch. As I set my tongue to one and play with the other, Justin is fisting my hair. I would complain that he was going to snatch me bald but the truth is I'm enjoying the slight sting of it and all it means. Justin is completely focused on what I'm doing to him and the narcissist in me is thrilled. Justin makes me want to please him it's true but to know that I'm the cause of his pleasure is almost enough to make me nut.

 

"Fuck, Brian...please," Justin moaned.

 

"Please what?" I needed him to tell me what he wanted. Of course I knew but his whispered words always did something indescribable to me. Plus I loved it when my Sunshine would get so turned on that he would talk dirty to me. It wasn't that he was shy; he had no problem taking what he wanted when he was in dominant mode, especially when he topped other people. He just had a problem asking for what he wanted even in this unless he was near desperate for relief and release. Even in bed, he was ever prideful. Even when he was pursuing me, he was prideful in a way that was untouchable. People like Michael confused it with desperation but I knew better. He knew he belonged to me even when I refused to accept it; knew he was the best thing that could happen to me. He was right although it would take me a long time, if ever, to admit that. "Go on, Justin, tell me where you want my lips." I bit the top of his thigh hard.

 

More forcefully he said, "My dick, Brian..." he pulled at my hair again, guiding my head to it. "Suck it. Now." Ahh...there's my bossy bottom.

 

I complied gladly taking him down my throat without hesitation. His glittering eyes locked with mine, I gave him a show while watching his eyes widen marginally when I swirled my tongue around the mushroom head only to engulf it again. He never blinked, watching my every move as a predator does his prey. I applied my teeth gently on the upstroke and heard that tell-tale sound that he liked it. I did it again and again until I felt his hips jerk into my chin as he forced more of himself inside my mouth. For a twink, Justin was deceptively well-endowed and for that alone I was grateful. His fingers disappeared from my hair and although I felt their loss, I was happy to find one set of his fingers playing with this nipple while the other was collecting saliva to prep himself for entry. Oh yeah...he was hot. I watched him as he watched me, saw the look of bliss grace his features as roughly inserted two fingers into himself; earnestly masturbating himself and fucking my mouth simultaneously. The most lustful sound escaped him. It was so fucking beautiful. He was beautiful and I knew I couldn't take much more. I needed to be inside him. Now!

 

Rising from my knees, I spun him quickly to press the front of him against the glass. Again I reveled in the shocked gasp coming from him thanks to the coolness from the glass now assaulting the front of him. Grabbing the lube and condom from the floor, I removed his fingers and replaced them with my own. His ass gripped and massaged my fingers as I began a slow rhythm causing him to push back into me, seeking satisfaction. I pressed the nub inside of him which I knew would cause a firestorm of sensation.

 

"Tell me what you want, Sunshine. Fingers or me?" He couldn't speak as I continued to drive my fingers into him more forcefully. I knew what I was doing to him while I rolled the condom down my own hardened member. I was toying with him and at the same time heightening his arousal. My body pressed his into the glass again- cold to the front, heat at his back. He pushed back into me again more forcefully. "Say it, damn it. Tell me how much you want me to fuck you." I licked his earlobe as he caught his bottom lip in between his teeth trying to suppress the deep groan. He was close to release but I wouldn't let him. I backed off to put what he wanted just out of reach. I loved edging Justin- sending him to the edge of orgasm only to deny it. It caused him to become wilder in his quest for climax. The funny thing is that I loved it when he did it to me which was often; the only man to ever do that to me. The only man I'd ever given a chance to do that to me.

 

"Fuck me. Fucking fuck me already!" He shouted at me causing me to mentally chuckle.

 

"Little boy, you have such a dirty mouth. You need a spanking." And I applied my hand just right to his perfect ass.

 

"Fuckkkk. Oh God, I hate you, Brian."

 

"Do you really?" I palmed his ass again. "Perhaps we should just stop then." I smiled as I said the words knowing that even if he said ‘yeah let's stop' there was no fucking way I would.

 

"Briannnn," he groaned again.

 

"Don't even think about it, Justin. Not until I say so."

 

I aligned cock with his hole, bent him over accordingly where we would derive the most pleasure from it. I held still as he absorbed the familiar sting of entry, heard the breath leave him momentarily as mouth open and eyes closed, he pushed back into me, taking me at his leisure. Once he was fully impaled, he reached back and palmed me ass hard, his signal for me to move in this position. Our height difference was to my advantage as I once again pressed him into the glass and moved smoothly into him. He fit me like a specially made glove, able to take all of me balls deep. I entwined my fingers with his as we continued the well-known dance we'd done a thousand times but never seemed to get old. His head fell back onto my shoulders as I drove him up passion's peak again and again, hearing his moans and sighs, using them as a map to tell me what he wanted.

 

"Harder. Fuck me, harder."

 

"Are you asking?" I loved teasing him until he became indignant.

 

"No. I'm telling you to fuck me harder, Brian. Fuck the shit out of me." He pulled me by my hair and shoved his tongue in my mouth.

 

Even wet and sloppy, Justin's kiss was an art. His tongue moved into my mouth in the same rhythm my cock drove into him. He moved faster and harder down my dick and I could feel the small quakes begin within him. They spurred me to give him what he wanted. With every contraction of his abdomen, I felt it at the base of my dick, another thing that was uniquely Justin. I'd never taught him that- wasn't even something I knew to do since I never bottomed except for two people- but it was something he unconsciously did that first night all those years ago and it kept me hooked.

 

Sweat poured from me as I labored behind him but I refused to stop servicing him to wipe it. He didn't call me ‘Stud' for nothing. He pleaded for me not to stop. I growled in his ear that I wouldn't. His channel tightened, gripping my dick like a fucking nutcracker. Finally his punishing rhythm became disjointed and I felt him gasp and hold his breath briefly before letting out a long moan/groan/sigh mix that I had come to love. It meant that he was satisfied and my ultimate goal had been achieved. I was selfish with others, not giving a shit whether they came or not as long as I gave them a good reaming in my process of getting off. With the man I was currently fucking through his orgasm, it was different....always different. His climax triggered my own as I let my head fall back, feeling the metaphorical electricity sizzle throughout my body, swirling through my balls and shoot into the condom encased in the tightest ass I've ever fucked even after all this time. I pulled him close, willing myself to stay upright, if for no other reason than to keep him from falling. Justin Taylor was a sexual marvel and he was all MINE!

 

They walked into Therapy, dressed in their sluttiest club clothes and turning heads wherever they went. It was a night like any other for Brian and Justin on the club scene, both used to the attention and looks of insta-lust gracing other men's faces. After all, they were the reigning King and Prince of Babylon in Pittsburgh so why should New York be any different? It was bittersweet for them both because Brian would be returning to the Pitts tomorrow afternoon and it would be back to business as usual for them both. Apparently, Justin was a regular because the bouncer knew him on sight and had embraced him much to Justin's chagrin and Brian's composed but jealous reaction.

 

"You must be Brian," Jeff said. A big burly man with a ready smile, he wasn't intimidated nor bothered by the proprietary arm Brian placed around Justin after Jeff had released him.

 

"You would be right," Brian said outwardly calm but still fuming. Justin knew that tone and chuckled.

 

"Jeff and I go to school together. He works glass like no one's business. We saw his exhibit last week, remember?"

 

Realization dawned in Brian's eyes. "You mean you're the ‘Jeff' who did the celebrity glass sculptures? They were amazing."

 

Jeff blushed at the compliment. "The very same and thank you for the compliment. I'm amazed at the reception it's received."

 

"You shouldn't be," Brian said. "It was a unique idea and executed to perfection. We're sorry we missed you though."

 

"Yeah. I had to be at El Homo Heaven here. I love my job but my boss is one of those demanding types. Regardless that he knows I'm a student and also have exhibits on the side, he doesn't like to be short on the hired help."

 

Justin nodded. "I know. I used to work for your boss. He's a first rate asshole but at least he has good taste in employees."

 

"I swear if I was gay, I'd snatch you up, Jus," he said laughingly. "By the way, Sean is already in there along with some others you might want to avoid. If you need me, give me a holler. It was nice meeting you, Brian." His look was meaningful and Justin acknowledged the warning with a slight nod of his head.

 

"Likewise, Jeff and don't worry about Sunshine. I'm not letting him out of my sight tonight."

 

"Wise man," Jeff said as he removed the rope to let them in.

 

They moved inside the double doors, hands firmly linked. The noise was deafening between the music and the sea of bodies either fucking or talking, or both, it was clear that they were in for a good time. Brian laughed out loud hearing the song playing.

 

"What?" Justin asked, smile bright and cheeks tinged pink just from the exhilaration of being with Brian. The blue lights from overhead, made his eyes look a deeper shade than they already were and Brian was momentarily transfixed before answering.

 

"Our sex life is on display in this song. Besides that, remember when I busted Michael's former beau, Dr. David at the Liberty Baths now known as Kinnetik? This song was playing. Listen to the words..."

 

You got me horny in the morning and you know

I try to call you but I can't find the telephone

I sent a message through the Internet but it rejected

I wrote a letter and sent it with the post

The post it takes so long, so I've got to sing this song

To let you know how I feel, what's the deal baby

And I can't wait for you and the things you make me do

My heart is ringing so I'm singing this song for you

I'm horny, horny, horny, horny

So horny, horny, horny, horny

 

Justin laughed and pulled Brian into the middle of the dance floor. Standing on tip toe, he kissed him as they started to sway to the music. He felt euphoric and he hadn't even taken a drink yet but it was just being with the man he loved. Any song by Mousse T. Vs. Juicy was an instant hit with Justin but the fact that Brian knew it was doubling his pleasure. He turned around to grind his ass into Brian's groin during the next verse, relishing the feel of Brian's large hands gripping his hips tightly and pulling them into him. Justin knew they were garnering all the attention and he didn't give a fuck. It appealed to both his and Brian exhibitionist tendencies and it made the anticipation of sex in public even more exciting to him.

 

I searched from town to town but I can't find my boo ooh ooh ooh

I got so desperate I sent a rocket to the moon

In New York City someone said they saw you singing the blues

But it was a man from Nowhere Land who looked like you

I will keep searching on, this feeling's much to strong

My heart is ringing and I'm singing this song for you

The post it takes so long, so I got to sing this song

To let you know what's the deal baby and I can't wait for you

And the things you make me do, so I'm singing this song for you

I'm horny, horny, horny, horny

So horny, horny, horny, horny*

 

As the song finished they made their way to the bar and ordered their usual-two double Jim Beam. Raising their glasses, Brian toasted, "For richer and richer-we don't do poor."

 

Justin again laughed. It was a toast they'd done a million times since he'd decided not to go to Dartmouth and it was proving to be true. The situation with Myrna Singleton was working out better than he could have ever imagined. Although he still was under contract with his current attorney he discovered that there wasn't an exclusivity clause in the contract so he sent the latest commission requests to her. She not only asked for his asking price when dealing with the contract, she added to the fee, stating that he was short changing himself. As a result, Justin would receive roughly fifteen thousand dollars per mural and portraits done on a consignment-by-consignment basis with no less an eight thousand dollar price tag. The turnaround for a mural was negotiated at a year interval and portraits negotiated at three months including time if the subject had to sit for the initial sketching. It would work well with the turn around for redesigning logos which was currently at a six month interval and was able to run concurrent with any shows he had planned or would be invited to. She had also put him in touch with Amy Wainwright, a fellow student at the Art Institute who would help run the JT Designs, Inc. office in Dumbo he recently opened. She was amazingly talented in her own right but preferred the idea of a steady paycheck as an artist and loved that Justin had started a company where her specific talents in management and art could be combined. It was also a gift because Amy's sister was an art dealer and her husband was one of the most sought after and well known agents in the country but especially in New York. He had a wait list but by offering him a ten percent commission instead of the customary seven percent many agents got for shopping their clients' work, Justin was accepted and already had six showings lined up within the next year; the first being in Toronto within the next five weeks.

 

Brian was damned proud of Justin. He had stayed out of it and let Justin handle everything but he was there as a back up in case Justin needed him. He didn't. His Sunshine was a marvel and Brian felt himself even more hopeful that their separation wouldn't be as long as it could have been had Justin stuck with both his soon-to-be former attorney and agent. The team he amassed got things done and they all worked hard for Justin, which spoke volumes about the man himself. He had been in the hotel room getting dressed for his own meetings when Justin had received many calls from his team, especially Myrna involving several contracts and investment accounts. He was also in the room when Ted had called to advise Justin on his accounts and of the checks received and what was still outstanding. Justin had calmly advised Ted who to send collection notices to which would be followed up by Myrna and how to divide the deposits. Anyone looking at Justin Taylor would think that he was just a pretty boy toy. Brian was glad that he knew differently.

 

They were interrupted by a young guy who instantly raised Brian's hackles but Justin seemed to know him fairly well. For Brian's part, he couldn't figure out if it was instant jealousy or not but automatically he was uneasy though he couldn't explain it. Then again it could have been the well-placed kiss the dark-haired twinkie gave Justin on his cheek that had Brian ready to floor the fucker.

 

"Good to see you, Justin."

 

"Likewise, Sean," Justin said calmly.

 

"Though I'm surprised to see you here tonight. I thought you said you were busy," Sean said petulantly.

 

"I am," Justin again stated with a little sardonic smirk on his lips. "Sean, I'd like you to meet Brian."

 

Brian shook his hand, perhaps a little harder than he would most people when meeting them for the first time. Brian wasn't sorry for the little wince which graced the other man's face briefly. "Nice to meet you. Feel free to fuck off now." He narrowed his eyes but didn't bat an eyelash even though he smiled tightly. Brian knew lust when he saw it and Sean definitely had that look when he laid eyes on Justin.

 

Sean was immediately pissed off. "No. I think you should fuck off. He's with me."

 

Brian and Justin both laughed but it was Brian who spoke. "Not tonight he isn't. In fact, not ever. Now run along and find someone else to play with. This is the grown man section. And Justin and I are busy." It was clear that Sean and Justin were the same age but Brian could tell instantly there was a world of difference between them. Justin was far more of a man whereas Sean kind of reminded him of Michael and God forbid, Ethan. Both were not innocent by any means but they were childish and obsessive. Brian grabbed a handful of Justin's enticing ass causing him to gasp and look up at him. "You should probably say something, Sunshine."

 

"See you in class on Monday, Sean," Justin said distractedly, his eyes never leaving Brian's.

 

Realizing that he was being ignored by Justin in favor of the older man, he slinked off but not before making eye contact with Brian, who looked back at him with a raised eyebrow and all-knowing smirk on his face. Refocusing on Justin, he leaned down and took ownership of the lips he was going to miss in a little more than twelve hours. Justin opened taking him in, sucking on his tongue and moaning lustily while flicking it with his own. Fuck! Justin could raise the dead kissing like that and Brian certainly wasn't lying in a grave somewhere. In fact he was fast rising for his delicious blond.

 

"Backroom. Now," Justin moaned into his mouth. But their escape was halted.

 

"Nice show, you two." The man known as Sap said. "Kinney, I'm surprised to see you here, though to be fair I shouldn't be." He said looking directly at his former employee who stared steadily back.

 

"I'm also surprised to see you, Sap. When did they let you out for embezzlement?" There was certainly no love lost between Brian and the former owner of Babylon.

 

"It's Saperstein, Kinney and it was a white collar crime. So eighteen months in the federal pen, all twenty-two thousand dollars of it gone but hey, I have my freedom and well on my way to owning this place."

 

"I doubt the owner will want to sell it, especially to you. Therapy is as much apart of gay New York as the skyline defines the City. No way, he's going to part with ownership of the most lucrative gay bar in New York."

Sap deliberately ignored Brian at that point. He refused to believe that he was wasting his time being club manager without a bigger reward in the end. "Justin. My nephew told me you were here and with some old guy."

 

Justin smiled. "Yes well, we both know I like mature and well-seasoned men. I don't much care for twinkies. They have little substance or shall we say...nutritional value. Although I may look like a twink, I'm far from it- something I remember you learning once before. I'm surprised Sean felt the need to run to you. I told him I would see him on Monday in Art History class."

 

The innuendo was not missed by Saperstein. Based on the fact that Brian hadn't hit him, he gathered that Justin had never mentioned the incident. He was impressed since he thought for sure, Justin would have told his boyfriend in the five years since it happened. He couldn't help but think of what his nephew would have done if he was involved with a powerful man like Brian Kinney. He would never have to worry about it though. Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney were in a league of their own. They were the reigning King and Prince of gay Pittsburgh and for good reason. They worked hard, played harder and could have anyone they wanted. It was understood that Justin was Brian's bottom and only his but he was a notorious top in his own right whereas Brian was legendary. In gay P.A., to be fucked by one or both of them was a rare privilege and they were definitely selective. They also didn't do repeats except with each other. Although Sap wasn't there anymore, he still had his contacts who kept him abreast of everything including Babylon post-bombing. By all accounts, Brian Kinney was a business genius and made the club an even bigger success. The fact that the ‘Stud of Liberty Avenue' was actually an intelligent man rankled a bit. No one should be blessed with unparalleled beauty and brains, but that's exactly what Kinney had. And so did his twink.

 

"Yes well he wanted to surprise you with something although he wouldn't tell me what. He was so disappointed when you told him you were busy and then you show up here in the company of another man."

 

"I'm sure Sean is a big boy and will get over it. Besides, Sap, you know mine and Brian's history and reputation better than anyone in this town. There's no way Sean could play this game and he'll never be more to me than a classmate; not a fuck-buddy, not even a lasting friend. You would do well to tell him that so he doesn't get hurt in the future. I would hate to see him fall for the wrong guy and get his widdle heart broken," Justin said the last sarcastically, letting Sap know exactly what he thought of him coming down from his perch in the office to fight Sean's battles. He already knew that if there was ever a choice to make, Justin would always choose Brian. The one time he didn't...well he wouldn't finish the thought because it would never happen again.

 

Sap nodded. "I'll tell him, Justin but you know youth. Hell, you two are the same age."

 

"True but we're worlds apart and you know that."

 

Justin grabbed Brian's hand and once again moved off toward the backroom. He was not only horny as hell, he was also pissed off. If he could top Brian right now, he would but getting fucked to within an inch of his life would at least take the edge off his anger. Sean had been trying his patience for the last few months, ever since Brian had first come to New York to visit and Justin had gone underground for a few weeks. Somehow he thought study buddies meant that he had a shot to become more. Sean had been there a few times when Brian either texted or called; commenting on the immediate smile on his face or his tone of voice. Justin had brushed off his comments but as he led Brian through the throng of half-naked men, he thought that maybe he shouldn't have.

 

Arriving at Justin's favorite spot in the backroom he frequented most since Babylon, Justin decided to put all thoughts of Sean out of his mind in favor of getting fucked by his favorite cock. Justin grabbed Brian around the neck and kissed him once roughly. "So where were we before being so rudely interrupted by the Sap?"

 

Brian smiled. He knew Justin was employing avoidance methods but he was willing to overlook them for a time. He was a grown man but it didn't stop him from being the slightest bit petty and vindictive or more importantly, territorial. Brian pulled Justin closer to him again, shoving his tongue forcefully into Justin's mouth. The blue light over them acted as a spotlight and Brian decided to use it to his and Justin's advantage. He knew Justin was pissed and needed to fuck. He also knew that word would spread that Justin was going to make a very rare appearance as a bottom; for the first time here in New York in fact. Justin set about unbuttoning Brian's shirt, kissing and licking his way down, pouring himself into every action. Brian hissed a little when Justin's teeth caught at his nips, turning them immediately into hard points. Brian pulled him roughly back up and slammed him into the wall.

 

"Umph!"

 

The sound was forced out of Justin followed by a smile as he stared at Brian. So he wants it rough. Okay then, rough it is. Brian slithered up Justin's waiting body and taking both hands in his, raised them above his head entwining their fingers. He kissed him roughly, pulling moans and groans from his partner while keeping Justin's body pinned solidly to the wall at his back. Brian bit the side of his neck, then sucked it roughly into his mouth. He knew Justin needed to be marked by him and only him. There were several times during their relationship that Justin had begged him to do it. At first he didn't understand until he began to study Justin's mercurial moods. Whenever he was angry and couldn't get his mind off a certain situation and Brian wouldn't let him top, Justin would request it to take his mind off the stress. Since they were in public and him occasionally topping Brian was a private thing reserved only for the two of them, he knew that it was what Justin would want. The moan Justin released told him he'd been dead right about his man's needs. Brian continued to alternate between biting and sucking the spots on Justin's neck which brought him pleasure but adding just a slight touch of pain to heighten his awareness. Brian released his hands, which went straight for Brian's belt buckle. Justin roughly undid the pants causing Brian's body to jerk forward in his haste.

 

"Calm down, Sunshine," Brian murmured.

 

In response, Justin freed Brian and took to Brian's body again, biting, licking and sucking his way down until he was able to ease himself to his knees. He didn't hesitate in swallowing Brian dick. Brian grabbed Justin's hair roughly, making him look up and focus on him. Hazel eyes met blue as Brian began to rock his hips forward meeting Justin's mouth. He couldn't deny that seeing Justin on his knees before him fully clothed was a major turn-on. It almost made Brian feel like he was getting a blow job on the run; reminding him of the alley blow job Justin had given him during the time Stockwell had closed all their usual fuck palaces. Justin lifted a hand to squeeze and massage Brian's balls and slip a finger inside of him in a way no one would see but Brian wasn't having it. He slapped his hand away. This was for him and Brian knew that this was about control. Justin needed his mind snatched away from him and Brian was going to do it for him.

 

"Get up, Justin and get undressed," he said softly. Justin did as he was bidden, never taking his eyes from Brian as he disrobed. They were never shy or reticent about being naked in public and it was a good thing. Brian took Justin's place at the wall, placing Justin in front of him. He pulled him back by the hair and growled in his ear. "Keep your fucking eyes closed until I tell you to open them. Understood?"

 

Justin nodded knowing what Brian was doing and grateful for it. As long as he had his eyes open at the moment, he couldn't empty his mind or release the stress he felt. He closed his eyes tightly, focusing strictly on what Brian was doing. He loved it when Brian touched him. Goose bumps rose on his skin everywhere Brian's hot hand caressed him. When Brian's long fingers touched his nipples he was so tempted to open his eyes and look but they were in Dom/sub mode so he kept his eyes closed, content just to absorb the sensation. Every time Brian tweaked one of them Justin felt the same twinge in his cock. He knew he was hard without even having to touch himself to confirm it. Brian licked and bit at the special spot behind left ear causing Justin to gasp his pleasure.

 

"Like that?" Brian asked knowing the answer.

 

"Yes."

 

Brian did it again while he kept the steady and punishing pressure on Justin's nipples. A loud moan was torn from Justin's throat when the sharp sting of pain from Brian's teeth mixed with the sharp feeling from Brian's fingers. Justin still kept his eyes closed. He felt one of the hands slide sensuously down his body. With every downward glide of that hand, Justin felt a little more of the urge to do violence dissipate. Brian's nails dug into his thigh painfully but he welcomed it. As long as he was focusing on the pleasure-pain he couldn't focus on anything else. Brian did it again and Justin felt his body relax marginally.

 

"You know I'm not going to fuck you until you relax completely, Sunshine," Brian whispered softly into his ear.

 

 

"I am relaxed," Justin said indignantly.

 

Brian chuckled. "No, my little bossy bottom, you're not. You're still as rigid as a surfboard. Do you want me to tell you what's happening around you right now?"

 

Justin nodded. No one knew him like Brian did. Sometimes it was a blessing; times like this it was a fucking curse. He needed to get pounded especially since he didn't want a trick tonight. He just wanted Brian but Sean's antics and then the words with Sap and all the implied bullshit...

 

"See? You're tense again. Now we'll have to start all over again."

 

And Brian did all the while telling Justin about the people watching them, some in shock because his beautiful boy was standing in front of him completely naked under a sex light looking completely ethereal. He felt Brian's lubed fingers breach him with one finger, eliciting a groan from him.That finger felt so fucking good but it was nowhere near enough. Justin pushed back into it but Brian told him to keep still. Justin went still immediately, wanting nothing more than to move or force Brian to hurry up and prep him so he could fuck him. He knew if he did anything to rush Brian, he would only slow his movements more. Even in this, Brian Kinney was a stubborn son of a bitch. Brian kept moving his finger in and out then added a second one, once again heightening Justin's arousal and urge to move. In the slowest strokes possibly known to man, Brian continued to finger fuck Justin, nailing his prostate every time.

 

"Fuckkkk," Justin hissed. "Please, Brian."

 

"Not yet, Sunshine but soon." Brian kept his excruciatingly slow pace causing Justin to moan in both pleasure and frustration.

 

Brian was feeling the same frustration. He was hard as steel but every time Justin would think of Sean, he tensed up. Brian refused to enter him if he wasn't focused solely on the act of it. For once it wasn't about his tendency toward narcissism. It was to keep Justin from getting hurt. Aside from Brian being well-endowed, he didn't want Justin risking tearing just for the sake of getting off and releasing tension. Justin was a rough rider. Sure he would start off slow but once he got going, he went full-blast, hell-bent for leather towards climax; setting a punishing pace and not stopping until both he and Brian were exhausted and on the brink of passing out. He didn't beg for mercy and he didn't show any. On the last swipe of Justin's prostate, Brian heard the slight hitch of Justin's breath and knew that he was finally relaxed enough to get fucked.

 

"Briannnn," Justin moaned.

 

"Yes, Sunshine. Now, let's put that flexibility of yours to use. Bend over, hands on the floor. I've waited too long to be gentle, Justin."

 

"I don't want gentle, Brian. Fuck me hard and fast."

 

"Remember you said that tomorrow." Brian hurriedly sheathed his cock, using the remaining lube to bathe the condom.

 

"Ugh! God! Yes, Brian," Justin sighed in relief as Brian settled himself.

 

Being inside Justin always felt like Brian's own slice of heaven, no matter if it was in a backroom surrounded by people who didn't know them. Correction: knew him. Based on the crowd gathered, Justin had acquired quite reputation but that was okay because Brian was going to make sure they knew he only bottomed for one man...him. He pulled Justin roughly up by his waist and shoulder, re-settling his weight against the wall so that they were in a sitting chair position. He gripped Justin hair at the nape.

 

"Open your eyes, Justin." Brian knew the minute he did to see the crowd in front of him. Justin quivered, not from fear but heightening arousal and Brian felt it on the head of his cock. "Ride me," Brian instructed softly but in a tone that left no doubt that this wasn't their first time at this particular rodeo.

 

Justin looked back at him questioningly. Brian knew that Justin knew what he was doing. He smiled when Justin giggled understanding the game and also that Brian wasn't sitting on a chair. Justin began to move slowly, keeping the eye contact while Brian gripped his waist to steady him. Every movement brought forth a sigh from Justin and a groan from Brian. His legs were on fire but he didn't give a damn. Justin was riding his dick and it would only be his dick up what had to be the tightest ass in creation. Justin changed rhythm, straight up and then grinding on the downstroke. Brian hissed as Justin gasped. Every time Justin ground his hips into Brian, the action caused a swipe of the hot spot within him. Brian moved one hand up to grip Justin's nipple. His breath caught in his throat and it was Brian's turn to chuckle. In retaliation Justin picked up the pace, coming down harder and faster. Brian met and matched him, watching Justin become wilder by the second. He loved it when Justin rode him like this...uncontrolled and uninhibited; like Brian was a fucking thoroughbred and Justin a first-rate jockey. Justin gripped his other nipple and applied the same pressure Brian did on the other as his other hand began to stroke his cock. They both heard the collective ‘ah' from the crowd watching them. They were a live porno- both stunningly beautiful, both skilled and both well-suited to each other. Brian knew the exact moment, Justin saw Sean in his peripheral vision because of the bright smile he bestowed on Brian and the fact that he picked up the pace again. There would be no further doubt who Justin belonged to in any realm. Sure they had an open and long distance relationship but there were rules: Number one: no kissing anyone on the mouth except each other and Number two: top all the fuck you want but your ass is mine.

 

Justin leaned back enough to touch tongues with Brian a few times before settling back in to earnestly ride his stallion to completion. He moved more forcefully as Brian held him close, resting his forehead on Justin's back. Justin felt the brief lick on his spine from Brian. As always made him throw his ass back harder and faster. He knew Brian's fingertips, which gripped his hip mercilessly would leave marks. Good. He was close and getting closer with each downward motion.

 

"Ugh. Fuck," he let out on a whoosh of air just before that last swipe of his prostate began the quivering he was waiting for. The sudden quickening and thrill of racing toward that elusive finish line spurred Justin on. Brian grunted feeling it, too. Justin's hand moved faster on his member as his body began the quake. Brian tightened his fingers both on Justin's nipple and his hip, causing another hitch of breath from Justin-only this one longer. "Brian. Briannnn....Brian. I'm.cumming. Now." And he did while moaning Brian's name like a curse and a prayer. No one else would ever get that kind of reaction out of him and the assembled watchers knew it, especially Sean. Brian came just behind his lover while holding Justin's naked, trembling form tightly to him.

 

Setting Justin on his feet and steadying him, Brian pushed his way up the wall until he, himself was upright. He took care to tuck his cock into his pants after tying off the condom and disposing of it. Then he kissed Justin passionately as he helped him to re-dress. "Better now, Sunshine?" he asked so only Justin could hear.

 

Justin reached up to caress Brian's cheek and smiled that sunshine bright smile at him. "Lots." He stared at him for a few moments more before standing on tip toe and giving Brian a peck full of meaning and promise. Then touched his nose to Brian's and held their foreheads together briefly, absorbing the peace he always felt after being with Brian. It was an intimacy which was reserved just for the two of them born of long familiarity, shared secrets and love- unacknowledged within the confines of the four walls but felt just the same.

 

It wasn't until they turned to leave that they noticed that they weren't alone. All of the occupants of the backroom who were there while they were fucking still stood close by and had witnessed the last of Justin and Brian's exchange. There were looks of longing and jealousy but it wasn't of the malicious kind. Brian and Justin walked toward the entrance leaving the sounds of applause and delight behind them. Brian and Justin had just become the reigning King and Prince of Therapy. They laughed and headed over to the bar asking for two of their usual. It seemed that they were a magnet for unwanted company and attention as an old acquaintance of theirs sauntered up to them.

 

"That was pretty impressive, Brian," Adam Lyons said. They hadn't seen each other for years and if Brian had his way it would have been never again.

 

"Pleasure to see you, Adam. Justin here inspires my best work." He took the last sip of his drink, signaling the bartender for a refill.

 

"Yes. I'm well...aware of the kind of hard work Justin requires. But now I understand why he has a Bottoms Only Need Apply policy."

 

"Hello. I'm right here. Stop speaking about me like I don't exist. How do you two know each other?" Justin flushed at the reference of the one and only time he fucked Adam last year when Brian was M.I.A. It was the night of his art opening when he, Emmett, Ted and Daphne had come to the club to ‘celebrate' Justin's success. Instead he'd just felt empty and cold because Brian didn't come to the show. So he did what he always did- what he and Brian always did- took some ecstasy, drank over half a bottle of Jim Beam and fucked some hot guys. Adam was amongst the first of his conquests for that night.

 

Brian rolled his eyes heavenward. He knew Justin would ask. "Remember that job I came here to interview for some years ago? Well Adam here suggested I try for it."

 

"I'm still sorry you didn't get it, you know. It turns out the person they hired wasn't the answer to their prayers like they thought especially with an up and coming firm out of Pittsburgh making a splash here in New York. The company started only a few years ago but it's upward mobility has been incredible. So if you'd like to try for the position again, I'm sure you would get it. They really need some new blood in the company."

 

Justin smiled brightly. "Oh? What's the name of the company? Vanguard?"

 

Adam shook his head. "No Vanguard's been around for what seems like forever. It's some company called Kinnetik."

 

"You don't say. Brian, your company is raising all kind of hell within Adam's company. How about that? And see I was right all those years ago to tell you that you shouldn't move to New York. Though if you'd like to now, I think it would be a fabulous idea."

 

"Shut up, Twat," Brian said good-naturedly. "Don't mind him, Adam. I'm well aware of the issues since Cecelia Burke left the company."

 

"How did you know Cecelia left the company? It wasn't supposed to be public knowledge for a few weeks," Adam said.

 

"Because she's my new account executive. Justin didn't lie. I am the owner of Kinnetik, Corp."

 

Adam couldn't hide his surprise and momentary envy before he said, "Nice to see you doing so well for yourself, Brian. You're doing a helluva job from the conversations within the ad world. Hey how long are you in town for? Maybe we could hook up again."

 

"I leave for home tomorrow. I've been on vacation for two weeks besides there's only one repeat I do and that's Blondie here."

 

"So the rumors are true, then?"

 

"What rumors would that be?" Brian asked.

 

"That the ‘Stud of Liberty' has retired," Adam answered candidly.

 

"You've heard the expression: believe half of what you see and none of what you hear? That kinda applies here too. If the "Stud" ever retires, I'll let you know. For right now, I still retain my title as does Justin."

 

Adam looked at Justin. "And you're fine with this?"

 

Justin smiled brightly. "If I weren't rest assured that he and I wouldn't be standing here talking to you. And it would be hypocritical of me to begrudge him his fun and conquests when I have been and will be indulging mine, present company notwithstanding."

 

Adam flushed at the reference to Justin's one and only time with him though if he had known he and Brian Kinney were involved he wouldn't have done that.

 

Brian could see the discomfort written all over Adam's face. He could even understand it to a degree. Although it wasn't the first time Justin had been confronted with one of Brian's numerous conquests, it was the first time it happened here in New York. Consequently, it was a first for Brian to be confronted with any of Justin's. Let alone the fact that it was a man that Brian had first. "Don't beat yourself up about it, Adam. Considering Justin's penchant for fucking, it was bound to happen sooner or later that he and I would also have done the same people at different times." He almost chuckled aloud when he saw Adam breath a sigh of relief. "If it helps, you were a hot piece of ass."

 

Justin covered his laugh with a cough and a yawn. "Well, I'm beat and I need a shower. I reek of sex. Aaa-ma-zing sex...but yeah, it was sex nonetheless. Brian, are you ready?"

 

Brian patted Adam on the shoulder before moving passed him. "It was nice seeing you again." And taking Justin's hand they made it to the entrance and disappeared.

 

For Adam's part, he could well understand why they were together and why Justin wouldn't let anyone into his ass. Everything and everyone pales in comparison to two of the most fabulous tops he'd ever met and once you've had the best, it's hard to settle for less.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

On the way back to the hotel, Brian's cell phone rung for the seventh time in as many minutes. He would look at the caller id and slip it back into his pocket. On the eighth ring, Justin had lost all pretense of patience.

 

"Will you answer the fucking phone? Whoever it is, is just going to keep calling until you do."

 

"I pay the bill on my phone so I get to decide if I want to answer it or not," Brian responded calmly.

 

"Well can you at least shut the thing off? I would rather hear you screaming instead of the screeching ring tone that tells me it's Michael."

 

Fuck. Shit. Damn. I forgot he knows that. "I'll call him tomorrow."

 

"You're sure? If you are, don't be surprised if you hear Cynthia and Ted screaming at you for a full voice mail when you get back to the office. You may as well get it over with."

 

Brian hated to admit it but Justin was right. He already had sixteen voice mails and since Michael had called seventeen times, he was willing to bet all sixteen were from Michael Novotny. "I'll deal with it when I get back to the room. Talking to him was not how I planned to spend tonight."

 

Justin snuggled closer to him. "Of course not but sometimes it's better to deal with him in the moment rather than have to handle him later."

 

"I just don't feel like enduring the third degree, Justin. It's been a great vacation and I don't want to spend the rest of it playing fifty questions."

 

They spent the rest of the ride in silence, each lost in his own thoughts about what the next day would bring. Neither was happy that they would be saying goodbye...again but they understood why they had to. Still it didn't make it easier nor did it make them want to fight against the inevitable. Justin had scheduled an appointment the next day at ten a.m. but would leave earlier to drop his bags off at his apartment. Brian offered to arrange the car service to drop him off but Justin had refused stating that the sooner he got back to real life, the better for them both.

 

As they alighted from the cab in front of the Trump, the doorman greeted them just as Brian's cell phone rang again. Taking a calming breath and enduring the slightly raised eyebrow from Justin urging him to take the call, Brian answered.

 

 

"Finally! I thought you were trying to avoid me. I've been trying to call you since yesterday and countless other times over the last few weeks," Michael said excitedly on the other end.

 

Brian smirked as he pulled Justin close. "What would give you that idea, Mikey? Some of us had to work. How's Budapest?"

 

"It's really amazing, Brian. If you ever have a chance to visit, you should do it. We did the West Castle tour earlier today. The library probably has over a million books in it."

 

"Probably so, Mikey. I had no idea you were such a nerd but I'm sure you didn't call me several times just to tell me about your sightseeing tour. It has to be about six in the morning there."

 

"I called because I miss you and I wanted to see how you were doing and how your trip was going."

 

"As you can hear, I'm doing fine and my trip has been productive...and exhausting." Entering the room, Justin began shedding his clothes immediately. Brian could see the muscles in his back as he pulled his shirt over head and instantly got hard. Justin's upper body was changing shape, becoming more defined from all the hours he spent painting. Even though he was still slender, Brian couldn't deny that he loved the subtle changes. "I have an early flight tomorrow, Mikey and I really need to get some sleep." Brian reached out and caught Justin's semi-naked form to him forcefully, sliding a hand up the expanse of exposed skin. He had to suppress an indulgent moan at the feel of the downy soft skin beneath his palm.

 

"Oh come on, Brian. Any other time you would still be at Babylon, partying and fucking the night away and early flight be damned. It feels like forever since I've spoken to you."

 

"Things have changed, Michael. I'm tired and when I get back I have meetings. No rest for us working boys. Now enjoy your trip and the Professor."

 

"Well okay. I'll call you tomorrow, then."

 

Brian huffed out a breath, ‘Michael, have you been listening? I said I will be in meetings from the time I get back. Between that and jet lag, I plan to be asleep before I can even unpack."

 

"You wouldn't feel that way if I was Justin calling," Michael said sneeringly.

 

Brian didn't miss a beat. "You're right, I wouldn't because Justin would understand what this business trip has cost me in rest and relaxation which is what you're supposed to be doing across the pond. Incidentally, don't bring him up, Michael."

 

"Did you see him while you were there?"

 

"How many times do I have to tell you that it's not your fucking business if Justin and I still see each other or not? What's with you anyway? Look, if I did, I did. If didn't, I didn't. If you called to pry, you just wasted your money."

 

"My God, you even sound like him!"

 

"What the fuck are you talking about now, Michael?"

 

"When I found out you were going to be in New York, I called the little shit."

 

"What? What did you do that for? I specifically told you that I was coming to New York on business. Justin has nothing to do with that."

 

"Yes well he said the same thing you did when I asked him if you and he had plans to see each other. Brian you really need to move on. He has a new life. He left you. He probably has someone new by now whereas you're still pining for that good for nothing little asshole."

 

Brian got very still and very quiet trying to collect himself. Justin had heard all of it but wasn't saying anything or showing his displeasure at Michael's speech. "Michael, what part of ‘mine and Justin's relationship isn't your business' did you not understand? You don't know everything and there is a reason for that. That's because IT'S. NOT. YOUR. FUCKING. BUSINESS! Now I'm going to bed. Goodbye, Michael." Brian hung up the phone and shut it off before Michael could respond.

 

 

Justin started to move to let him calm down but Brian prevented his departure, kissing Justin roughly in the process. He was pissed off at Michael for his constant interference but he was even more pissed off that Justin hadn't told him about Michael's phone call on the night of his arrival. He couldn't explain exactly why it upset him, just that it did. Somehow it reminded him of the Ethan episode of their relationship but he couldn't exactly say why or how except he didn't like the fact that once again Justin had secrets and Michael was somehow involved.

 

Justin fought against Brian's rough handling but Brian held him to it until he eventually relaxed into the kiss. Brian recalled another time he had taken control of Justin; another time when he was furious and kissing Justin became a prayer and a curse, love and hurt, domination and the need to do violence all rolled into one. He held Justin close, wishing that he could crawl inside of him and stay there. He broke the kiss momentarily, staring into Justin's eyes- reading the confusion and subtle fear there- before delving back in, using his tongue to show Justin all he was incapable of saying in that moment. Based on Justin's willing acceptance, he understood and Brian softened the kiss marginally while still unleashing his passion on the young man that had become everything to him. Justin met his tongue lash for lash, taking his anger and giving back comfort and reassurance.

 

Brian would never admit it aloud but Michael had given voice to what Brian feared. He knew about Justin's two failed attempts at moving on when Brian distanced himself during their almost two year separation; one with a ballet dancer and the other with another artists. It had hurt but again it was his own fault for not being there. He was relieved to find out during lunch with Jennifer that the relationships hadn't lasted which also spurred Brian to stake his claim. On the rooftop of his apartment building, under the stars with a bottle of JB they decided to give this long-distance non-relationship a try and so far it had been working for both of them. They scratched the proverbial itch with other people when they couldn't be together and of course they had phone sex regularly but more than that they had conversations- pretty significant ones- like they used to. The only major change was their location and Brian wasn't about to lose Justin again based on secrets and the interference of jealous and nosy people. He still hadn't quite figured Melanie and Lindsey's motives for encouraging Justin to move to New York but Michael's motive was clear. Debbie's motives were pure, wanting Justin to at least give it a try and to take every opportunity for himself to grow; same as Emmett regardless of how Auntie Em had cried and complained of how much he missed Justin. No one except Ted and Cynthia really understood what it took for Brian to let Justin go except perhaps Justin himself. He was suffering the same way and all for autonomy- all for the sake of finding out the type of man he could be without Brian Kinney there to protect and guide him. Brian understood but that didn't mean he had to like it.

 

Justin broke the kiss. "Feeling better, Stud?" he asked hoarsely.

 

His lips were kiss-swollen and cherry-red and Brian couldn't resist pressing his lips against them once more before answering. "Why didn't you tell me about the phone call from Michael?"

 

"What purpose would it have served except to piss you off?"

 

"I wouldn't have been angry?" Justin didn't verbally say anything in response but his look did. Even as he stood there naked and pressed up against Brian's fully clothed body, Justin held Brian's gaze until he relented. "Okay, I got angry. There are you happy?"

 

Justin smiled gently. "No, I'm not happy that I was right in not telling you but I was determined not to let anything ruin these two weeks. Our time together is rare and precious as it is. It was our time just to be- no pressure, no expectations, no constraints. Yeah we took care of business in the process but in the scheme of things it was just the two of us. Why would I want to give that up and more importantly, why would you want to?"

 

Brian sighed deeply. Sometimes he really hated it when Justin made perfect sense. He wanted to stay mad for a little while longer at Justin but he couldn't. He was right on all sides of the situation. "Okay, but do me a favor. If he calls you again, tell me. I didn't like being caught off guard where Michael is concerned and I meant what I said to him. He won't know what's between us until you're ready for him to. No one will."

 

"In that case, how does never sound?" Justin chuckled and so did Brian. "Seriously though, I would rather us have a chance to see what this could be without everyone else glued to us, scrutinizing every action or inaction as if we're on TV or analyzing us like we're lab rats in a cage. If this works, let it be because we want it to."

 

"So you finally learned the lesson I tried to teach you all those years ago, huh?"

 

Justin nodded. "Better late than never I guess. It's nice being able to choose being your boy toy everyday instead of it being automatically implied. I want you to know that I don't intend to choose differently anytime soon."

 

How the fuck did he do that? How did he pick thoughts out of my head like that? He wanted to ask but instead he just gently kissed the lips he'd be dreaming about in the months to come and ushered them first into the shower where they made love and then to bed where they fell into an exhausted sleep entwined; Justin's head on Brian's shoulder and tucked just under his chin. It was like that spot was made for Justin and Brian had no doubt it was. When Brian awoke in the bright, clear morning, he was alone. The pillow next to him still held the imprint of Justin's head and he could still smell his lover's favorite soap and shampoo. He was hoping that Justin would be there when he opened his eyes as he had been for the past two weeks but the agreement was that neither would watch the other one leave. It would seem odd to most but that was how they began this foray into the long distance side of their relationship...with Brian pretending to be asleep when Justin left the loft for the last time on his way to make his life in New York City. It became a tradition of sorts between them...a painful one but something else they shared nonetheless.

 

Brian rose out of bed when he heard the knock at the room door. Throwing on a pair of pajama pants, he half hoped that Justin had changed his mind and decided to spend the last few hours with him but he knew better. Brian accepted the tray from room service, tipped the guy and was once again alone. Justin made sure that he had an egg-white omelet and whole wheat toast, coffee and guava juice. Even in this, Justin made sure he was cared for. As he settled himself at the table, he picked up the decorated envelope he was sure to find on the tray. Opening it Brian smiled at the semi-neat scrawl that he was ever familiar with.

 

 

Hey Stud,

Eat your breakfast while it's hot. I would be lying if I said I didn't hate this but no goodbyes....just until next time. Call me tonight.

I love you,

Sunshine

 

On the back of the paper was a sketch of Justin looking into Brian's eyes as he'd rode him in the backroom of Therapy. Brian smoothed out the paper concentrating on the beauty of Justin's face- his parted and smooth lips with the tip of his tongue toying with the corner of his sensuous mouth, his intense blue eyes and the little crinkle of his forehead that represented the ecstasy of having Brian under him and in him. It was a look he would never get tired of as long as he breathed. The sketch of Brian showed his teeth caught on his bottom lip as he focused on his partner, one long-fingered hand caressing Justin's throat. The intensity and enjoyment of the moment was unmistakable in his eyes. Brian regarded at the paper intently, willing his message to reach out to Justin wherever he was at the moment. "Love you too, Sunshine. Hurry up," he said still staring at the picture as he ate.

 

Brian showered, dressed, gave the room a once over ensuring that neither he nor Justin had left anything behind and departed for real life.

 

 

*Horny (Mousse T vs. Juicy)- Ebney, John Charles/ Turney, Geoffrey H./ Sixx, Nikki

 

.

 

 

An Unhealthy Case of What the Fuck...

 

 

 

Justin finally made his way up the stairs to his apartment. Traveling from SoHo with an extra large duffel and a garment bag had been hell but he wouldn't have traded a second of the dirty looks and overcrowded subway for anything. His time with Brian this time around was at an end but the memories would last forever. He already missed his presence; had missed it even as he took one last longing look at his sleeping form on the bed. Nose half way buried in the pillow, his amazing body hunkered under the covers- it had taken all the resolve Justin possessed to leave him and return to life as they now knew it.

 

 

 

Fishing in his pocket for his keys, he was surprised when Daphne opened the door with a scowl firmly in place. She pushed him out the door and closed it briefly behind her even as he began protesting. She held a determined finger to her lips, signaling for him to listen before he began his questions. He didn't have to wait long.

 

 

 

"You have a guest. He's been here since seven-thirty and is NOT leaving for whatever fucking reason," she said quietly but Justin could tell from her clipped words she was beyond pissed off.

 

 

 

"I wasn't expecting anyone otherwise I would have been here," Justin said defensively even as she rolled her narrowed eyes at him.

 

 

 

"I know that. Apparently Sean doesn't or he doesn't care. Imagine my surprise when I woke up this morning and found him fixing coffee instead of you."

 

 

 

"Wait, what? Fixing coffee? How the fuck did he get in?"

 

 

 

"He said you gave him a key. You want to tell me next time you decide to give someone a key to our place."

 

 

 

Justin pushed pass Daphne into the apartment. He had never given the fucker a key so the question was who did.

 

 

 

"Sean," Justin said by way of greeting, putting his bags down near the kitchen. He was comfortably lounging at the counter as if he belonged there. Daphne stood in the living room with a direct line of sight, arms folded across her chest. "What are you doing here and how the fuck did you get in?"

 

 

 

"Good morning, Justin. I thought that we could go to class together. There is so much to tell you about the weekend. I mean, I would have told you at the club but that guy was hanging all over you. He's a handsome trick but he's really too old for you."

 

 

 

Justin was about six second from punching him off that stool he was comfortably seated at sipping coffee. He tried for patience but Sean didn't exactly inspire the sentiment.

 

 

 

"Sean what and who I do is none of your business. Your uncle said that he was going to talk to you."

 

 

 

"Oh he did," Sean answered.

 

 

 

"And?"

 

 

 

"And what? He talked to me, I told him he was wrong. End of discussion."

 

 

 

"There is no end of discussion about it. You are a study buddy, nothing more. You will NEVER be anything more than that. Brian and I are together and have been for a long, LONG time and that is NOT about to change now or ever." Justin saw Sean's keys lying on the counter and reached for them before he could snatch them out of Justin's reach. "And how did you get a key to my apartment?" Justin removed the key which he recognized as his.

 

 

 

"I told the super that I lived here with you. He knew you had a roommate but apparently he wasn't aware that it was a female." He said that last sneeringly and Daphne once again narrowed her eyes before rolling them.

 

 

 

"I promised your uncle that I would help you pass Art History but if this shit continues the deal is off, Sean. You understand? I will not have you showing up here unannounced. Now get the fuck out of my house."

 

 

 

"But I thought we were..."

 

 

 

"You thought wrong. I have an appointment and thanks to you I am going to be late." Justin moved Sean to the door and pushed unceremoniously through it. I'll call you when I'm available to tutor you. Until then, don't call me." Not giving him a chance to answer, Justin slammed and dead-bolted the door.

 

 

 

"Good riddance," Daph breathed. "The nerve of the fucker. I don't trust him Justin."

 

 

 

"I know. Me neither. The only reason I offered to help Gary's nephew is because his parents had just died and Sap just got out of the pen a year ago plus we needed the extra cash."

 

 

 

"Justin, you were always a bleeding heart." Daphne shook her head. He was open-hearted but it didn't mean that he was a fool. "Are you going to tell Gary you can't tutor him anymore?"

 

 

 

"I would if it were earlier in the semester. There's only two more months until finals and that's not enough time for him to find a new tutor. Quite frankly I don't exactly know how he made it this far. His memory leaves a lot to be desired. Outside of that, Sap already paid the entire fee up front. Sure I could give the money back but I will never give money to Gary Saperstein- not after what almost happened. Technically he's paying for my silence.

 

 

 

Daphne nodded. "And in the process, you've inherited a pain in the ass and not in a positive life-affirming way."

 

 

 

She was the only one who knew about the night Justin almost got raped by Gary and his friends. Justin has stumbled his way to her apartment which thankfully wasn't far away. She helped him sober up and shower in order to beat the three a.m. curfew Justin and Brian had agreed on. If it weren't for her, he would have been in a lot worse shape by the time Brian made it home the next morning from spending a night in county lock up due to Michael. Over the years, she had encouraged him to tell Brian but Justin wouldn't for two reasons: Brian would have killed Sap and happily done the jail time and because he felt stupid; couldn't take hearing Brian say ‘I told you so' without actually saying it. His boyfriend could give looks which spoke volumes so he had sworn Daphne to secrecy and she had unwillingly kept his confidence.

 

 

 

He moved off to his room, needing to change clothes quickly to make the next train downtown. The meeting was scheduled at the last minute but it was a huge step for his career and he couldn't say no. He dialed the Superintendent's number as he picked out the of chocolate brown Armani suit Brian insisted he must have and a robin's egg blue v neck sweater. As he slipped his feet into his shoes, the Super finally answered the phone.

 

 

 

"Mr. Albright, it's Justin Taylor in 6B. I need my locks changed today and free of charge."

 

 

 

The voice which sounded like it was on a liquid diet of whiskey said, "Whoa, Taylor. That's not going to happen today or any other day."

 

 

 

"Fine then you'll be hearing from my attorney."

 

 

 

"What? What do you need an attorney for?"

 

 

 

"You gave my apartment key to someone who does not live here. My roommate's name is Daphne Chanders- a female. You gave my key which is supposed to be on your keyring to a young man. She woke up this morning with him in the apartment. Thankfully nothing happened to her but it could have due to your carelessness."

 

 

 

"How was I to know he wasn't who he said he was? You young people are something else with your microwave demands."

 

 

 

"Be that as it may, will you do me a favor, please. Check your keys and let me know if you see the one for 6B? I'll wait." Justin busied himself while he waited for the Superintendent to do what he asked. He packed the new zip drive he loaded on Saturday night while at the hotel which had the requested slides on it. Pulling out his pea coat and the scarf which matched his outfit, he picked up his messenger bag and headed toward the front of the apartment. Daphne handed him a traveling mug full of coffee for which he was grateful. The Super had reluctantly confirmed that Justin's key was not on his key ring for the sixth floor apartments nor in the cabinet where he kept the spare keys. "As stated Mr. Albright, I expect my locks changed and two sets of keys made by the time I return in three hours. My roommate will be expecting you."

 

 

 

"I have to run down to the rental office to pick up a new lock and that can take as much as two hours to reach."

 

 

 

"Oh then you should hurry because if I come back and the lock is not changed, I will be contacting Myrna Singleton and she would be happy to sue you in a civil suit along with the owner of this building for any host of things she could think of. You know lawyers...they're quite adept at finding things to sue you for." He hung up before the Mr. Albright could respond. He immediately left a message with Myrna's assistant Jacob for him to call her when she reached the office. He followed it with a quick email. He really didn't trust her batshit crazy assistant but Myrna did so what could he do?

 

 

 

"You know, you sounded just like Brian just then," Daphne said.

 

 

 

"What can I say? When you spend more than five years as his Boy toy, you tend to pick up a few things," Justin responded as he finished up the last of the email.

 

 

 

"You're more than that and you know it."

 

 

 

"I am but...I can't talk about him right now." He sighed deeply and looked briefly at the bags he had yet to put away. He'd forgotten in his rush to get dressed. "I have to go. I'll put the luggage away when I get back. The Super should be here within the next two hours. If he isn't call Myrna. I just sent you a message with her number so that it's on standby. Don't forget to save it."

 

 

 

"Okay," Daphne said quietly. She was used to Justin's Brian-related moods. "Everything is okay between you two, right?"

 

 

 

Justin didn't pretend to misunderstand. "Yeah, everything is fine. The time we had was near perfect. I just miss him, that's all."

 

 

 

"You've only been gone from him two hours and you miss him already? How hetero." She was relieved when she heard Justin chuckle. "Tell you what...go to your meeting and when you come back, we'll have movie day and order pizza. I'll take a run to Junior's and pick up a cheesecake."

 

 

 

Justin smiled brightly. "Deal but I'll pick up the cheesecake since I'll already be near Grand Central. The meeting is on Roosevelt Island this morning. What do you think about moving there?"

 

 

 

"I think it's a nice area but can we afford it?"

 

 

 

"If I get the pieces finished for this showing and the one in Toronto does well, we're moving."

 

 

 

"Well then you better take your ass to work." She leaned in to kiss his cheek as she pushed him out the door. "Go be fabulous."

 

 

 

"Yes, Emmett the sequel I shall go be fabulous."

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Back in Kinneyland......

 

 

 

Brian arrived at the office and wished immediately that he was still in New York or had taken the rest of the day off. It wasn't that the office was in chaos or anything. He just missed the presence of his blond. Everything seemed new and exciting with Justin- it always had- but the past two weeks were just amazing. They laughed, danced, fucked but most of all they talked. Brian had gotten much-appreciated glimpses of the man he was becoming both in business and personally. He'd always known Justin was intelligent but there was something about watching him flourish in his own right. Watching him make the decisions as to the direction he wanted and watching him guide those who worked for him had been confirmation that Brian had been right to let Justin go. He wouldn't have stopped him if he didn't agree with the decision since it was Justin's life to live but Brian had been worried about him. He remembered what it was like to be Justin's age and the hard lessons he had to learn- from bosses who took advantage of his body and talent to the unscrupulous men who tried. Seeing Sap hadn't lessened that worry one damn bit. In fact it compounded it especially knowing Justin was tutoring his nephew.

 

 

 

That was another problem...Sean Saperstein. Brian had hated the kid on sight but he couldn't exactly say why. He looked innocent enough but then so did Justin. Yet, Brian got the same vibe from Sean that he got from Sap and that made him decidedly uncomfortable. Jack used to tell him, "Blood would always tell" and there were times when Jack Kinney, for all his abuse and drunken ways, wasn't wrong. Brian had a suspicion that wouldn't leave him that Sean and Sap were cut from the same cloth. He remembered Justin's outwardly calm and relaxed posture but Brian knew him, not only biblically but honestly and truly. He'd felt the tension thrumming through Justin even as his words to both Sean and Sap were measured and moderated with precision. There was more to Justin's anger that night than just Sean's overstepping of bounds.

 

 

 

He didn't have time to examine it further as both Cynthia and Ted came into his office bearing twin grins and a stack of files.

 

 

 

"Hope your vacation was worth every moment because these are the accounts which require your signature,: Cynthia said.

 

 

 

"What the fuck do I pay you for if not to sign these?"

 

 

 

"You pay me to be your personal assistant, Cynthia Moore, not Brian Kinney. Now if you'd like to up my salary, I would happily be you in addition to every thing else."

 

 

 

Brian rolled his eyes and looked to Ted for the next stack of paperwork.

 

 

 

"These are the forms you requested from the bank. Mr. Quinn is expecting them back immediately so that he can send them to someone named- Myrna?"

 

 

 

"Yeah. That's Justin's new attorney."

 

 

 

"What happened to Martin?"

 

 

 

"He was under-negotiating Justin's contracts."

 

 

 

Ted nodded. "Then it was smart business to cut ties but he was under contract by my calculations for another three weeks. How did he get out of it?"

 

 

 

"Both Justin and his new lawyer noticed that there wasn't an exclusivity clause in his contract. Apparently, it's normal to include one in contracts amongst lawyers and agents within the art world just like it is with us. Only ours is called the ‘Non-Competition Clause.' Justin's former attorney was neglectful by not including one which has been Justin's gain. Guess he just figured Justin for a cute, innocent and unintelligent kid and he's more the fool for it. Anyway he's been working with Myrna who has set him up with a new agent as well. He didn't trust either Martin nor Crosby who was his agent. By the way, what do you know about JT Designs? I only just found out about it."

 

 

 

"You mean Justin didn't tell you?"

 

 

 

Brian shook his head. "He said he wanted to make sure it could succeed before he did. Damn that kid and his pride."

 

 

 

Cynthia and Ted chuckled but Ted spoke. "You can't blame him, you know? He's learned his lessons well from the ‘Brian Kinney School of Secrets and Subterfuge.' I hear he got an A in the course and studied directly under the Master."

 

 

 

Brian gave his classic sardonic smirk. "He studied over the Master, too and side-by-side with the Master."

 

 

 

"Ugh! Brian!" Cynthia said sternly causing both Ted and Brian to laugh.

 

 

 

"Hey, Ted brought it up. I was just confirming facts. Now if you two will excuse me as I commit suicide from paper cuts, I guess I'd better get this shit done."

 

 

 

They both moved away from his desk but Ted stopped and turned back. "How is Justin really?"

 

"He's fine, Theodore. Noe get out. I have work to do."

 

Brian opened the first packet and began to literally sign his life over to Justin.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

 

 

Justin Confidential....

 

 

 

Justin took in the sights of Roosevelt Island. A quiet and scenic area, it was hard to believe that it was part of Manhattan at all. There was very little car traffic compared to the main part of the City or even Pittsburgh. No, he definitely wouldn't mind living there. The architecture of the buildings alone had Justin wishing he could paint just then. Arriving at his destination, he rung the buzzer for Henry and Dawn Church, his agent and the art distributor for his next show. He'd met each of them briefly in Myrna's office along with Amy. Although the meeting was last minute, Justin didn't mind simply for the view being on the island gave him. He hadn't visited since the previous year and was more than happy to meet them at their home instead of having them come to the lower East Side for what would probably only be an hour meeting. Besides that he was genuinely curious about their home decor. He firmly believed that one can tell the most about a person through their furnishings. He supposed he had Brian to thank for that. Because of his borderline-OCD, minimalist style which spoke of his control issues, Justin had learned to read people better.

 

 

 

Dawn greeted him at the door when he arrived.

 

 

 

"I was hoping you would find the place okay. Roosevelt can be considered out of the way to some but I figured it would be better taking the F instead of the Tram to get over to the island today." She pushed her long red hair over her shoulder and wrinkled her freckled nose at the thought of the preferred mode of transportation for the island.

 

 

 

"A little longer but a lot less unnerving than the Tram on a windy day," Justin said returning her smile.

 

 

 

She offered him something to drink while ushering him into the living room. As she went to fix a fresh-brewed pot of coffee, Justin took the opportunity to look around. He noticed several well-known pieces framed and dispersed at various points of the room the one which caught his eye was one of his own. He remembered painting it when he first arrived in New York. It featured ten key points in Justin's life which led to the decision. It reminded him of the phrase: "All the world's a stage," with its black background with bold color as spotlights which flowed seamlessly one to the other. Whereas Shakespeare said there were seven stages in life, for Justin his life before New York had ten of which he had figuratively danced. The night they met under the streetlight. Brian sitting in the corner chair godlike as he returned Justin home only to take him out of there when his father had revealed his blatant homophobia. The decision about Dartmouth. The Rage launch party when he and Brian made eye contact before he left with Ethan. The Reunion in his office after everyone had gone home. The first dance at Babylon the night after they'd gotten back together. The Liberty Ride. The Return from Hollywood. The night Brian told Justin he loved him. The Proposal was at the center. It was a set of three he'd done. The two paintings he did of the final goodbye, Until Then and Aftermath had sold fairly quickly and he wondered about those frequently. For the amount of money the garnered, he knew they found decent homes wherever they were. He was glad to know Journey had found a good home too.

 

 

 

"Magnificent isn't it? It was one of the first pieces that I'd bought myself for many years but I couldn't not have it. It spoke to me."

 

 

 

"I'm glad you've been enjoying it." Justin accepted the coffee cup gratefully.

 

 

 

"I know art is generally personal but I got the feeling that this one was more than most. Explain it to me."

 

 

 

What exactly do you want to know?" He wasn't sure what he should say and shouldn't. Some heteros weren't comfortable with knowing the actual details of what they term the "gay lifestyle." Although he didn't detect any homophobia from Dawn or Henry, it was still best to err on the side of caution.

 

 

 

"Let's start with the man in the picture. Who is he?"

 

 

 

"Which one?" Justin asked laughingly which bought a smile to Dawn's face.

 

 

 

"Well I'm getting to know the blond one well so I supposed I should ask about the dark-haired gentleman. Besides every time I have referred to him in the last thirty seconds, your eyes glow. Is he a former lover?"

 

 

 

"His name is Brian Kinney. We have been involved one way or another since I was seventeen. The thing about Brian and I is that we don't have a conventional relationship. In fact we refer to it as a non-relationship."

 

 

 

"Interesting but why? It's clear when you talk about him that you love him deeply."

 

 

 

"I do. More than I could ever say. It's much easier for me to put it on canvas and even then it feels like it's only giving a one word sentence. Our relationship is mercurial at best. The moods change because we both are exceptionally stubborn but one thing it never lacks is passion."

 

 

 

"How does he feel about you being in New York?"

 

 

 

"We both hate it because he runs a lucrative business based in Pittsburgh and our times together are limited based on both his and my business needs. But we both understand that it's necessary if I'm ever going to be on equal footing with him. Brian likes to take care of everybody but I absolutely refuse to let him take care of me...at least not financially."

 

 

 

"It must be hard for the two of you to be apart. I know that if Henry and I were in your situation I would have said ‘fuck the career' and gone home," Dawn said sincerely.

 

 

 

"It's tempting; in fact he just left this morning. But I know Brian as well as I know myself and he would never allow it and I would never ask him to because he'll be torn between wanting me and seeing the potential of my career. If it ever came down to him wanting me or my career, he'll pick the career only because he knows how much becoming his equal in all things means to me. So he would remove himself from my life until that happens and I can't have that. I tried that once before- to go on as if his presence in my life didn't matter- and not only did I suffer emotionally for it, my work did." Justin crossed over to the canvas hanging boldly as the focal point in the room. "I remembered when I painted this. Brian had stopped taking my calls for a time. He'd missed my first showcase and I felt heartbroken. It wasn't until I had finished the painting that I understood why he did. The silhouettes you see are of various stages of our lives together where there were really important turning points in our situation. Some happened before my bashing whereas many of them happened in the years that followed."

 

 

 

"So most of your work is emotionally driven?" Her amber eyes searched his.

 

 

 

Now Justin fully understood what Dawn was after. Some of the current artists around were only in it for the profit and painted with only that in mind. Justin would be termed as a "soul painter" in which anything he feels at any given moment will filter onto the canvas. It was how Brian was able to decipher Justin's work whereas someone like Michael would only ‘like' it without really understanding it. Same with Lindsey and the rest although Lindz looked at it with an artist eye, noting the composition and colors. He guessed it would read differently for Brian because he was literally tied to Justin in a different and much deeper way than just standard friendship.

 

 

 

"A lot of it. If I'm calm and happy, then so are my paintings. If I'm confused, my work becomes abstract as if searching for an answer. When I find the answer, I will do the same concept only usually involving bold color palettes. The same happens when I'm angry although you probably won't a lot of those."

 

 

 

 

 

"Why not?"

 

 

 

"After the bashing and another period of my life that I would rather not talk about, I figured the best way to deal with anger was in the moment and directly with the source. Therefore, it doesn't generally flow into my work. It's only when I can't that those types of pieces show up. Would it be a problem for you to showcase those?"

 

 

 

Dawn shook her head. "Not really since art is subjective. It's all emotion driven, even the most mundane pieces. It meant enough for someone to labor over it to create perfection in their eyes, if not in others."

 

 

 

Justin nodded. He'd always felt that way as well. Art- true art be it good, bad or indifferent was emotional and would inspire emotion in the viewer regardless. It was a lesson he learned trying to work through his injury after meeting the artist Adrienne who had given him a moody painting as inspiration for him to begin drawing again. He often wondered if the bashing never happened would his art have become commonplace. Prior to it, he'd felt almost untouchable where his feelings were concerned. Sure he had issues with bullying in school and Brian had repeatedly hurt his feelings when he tricked with other guys but he'd gotten over that relatively quickly. It wasn't until after the bashing that Justin began to feel more than just the impulse to draw. It became his life. When he couldn't do it, he felt like he was better off dead or so drunk and drugged up where he couldn't think about doing the one thing in his life he wanted to do more than take his next breath. It was his breath. Then there was the ever-present blow to his self-esteem. Little blond, brainiac and bubble-butt Justin wasn't talented and perfect anymore. In his mind, he wasn't worthy to be on the arm of Brian, who in his mind was everything beautiful. So his self-esteem suffered and the verbal reassurance which he desperately needed had not come for the source he craved most. Instead it came from Ethan who was everything Brian was not- romantically inclined, obsessively artistic and a consummate liar. Sitting there, Justin acknowledged the one thing he never dared voice. He knew Ethan was temporary. He'd known it even as he left the Rage launch party but pride wouldn't let him admit his mistake. So instead he tried to make it work and would have continued to try but Ethan had forced his hand. Many would have thought that the tears he shed as he left Ethan's apartment that long-ago night was because Ethan had lied and cheated. That wasn't true. Yes...he was sad because Ethan had proven Brian right about human nature and the last thing he wanted was for Brian fucking Kinney to be right. But mostly the tears were for his lost innocence and the fact that he'd have to acknowledge that he'd made the biggest mistake of his life. The self-esteem that had been dormant as a result of the asshole Chris Hobbs had been reborn courtesy of another asshole named Ethan Gold. For a man as prideful as Justin- who was destined to be partnered with an even more prideful man named Brian Kinney- it had been the bitterest pill to swallow.

 

 

 

"Justin? Hey. Where did you go just then?" Dawn asked.

 

 

 

Justin smiled and told her what he'd been thinking about. He told her the entire story of the bashing and Ethan. "In thinking back to my work during that period, I had always wondered why the same passion for sketching was lessened. Now I have my answer. It was like I was literally trapped in a ‘Tale of Two Cities.' Brian was my light; Ethan, my dark. Brian, my wise choice and Ethan, my foolish one. Brian, my Heaven and my home; Ethan, my hell of my own making."

 

 

 

"Who knew Dickens could be life-inspiring," Dawn said cringing which made Justin laugh. "My guess is that you're going to paint that."

 

 

 

"What? ‘A Tale of Two Justins?'" Justin laughed. "Maybe someday." The more he thought about it, the more the idea took form.

 

 

 

"Well if you do, make more than one. That's going to sell better than you can imagine."

 

 

 

"What makes you say that?" Justin was genuinely curious.

 

 

 

"The concept mainly. Think about it...we all have faced that kind of situation in our lives- be it regarding relationships or career. Then we wonder how we got from point A to point Z and we're unhappy where the road has led. Unfortunately, rarely do we all take the time to examine our choices and wrong turns along the way. However, you've done the work. You made your u-turn and decided to travel a different road altogether to get to your metaphorical destination which is here. Many of us would have opted to stay stuck waiting to be rescued or wallowing in the muck. Perhaps seeing it on canvas will cause others to choose a different path or at the very least spur them to action to rescue themselves emotionally."

 

 

 

Justin nodded. This relationship with Dawn was proving to be even more valuable than he thought originally. It was nice to have someone to talk concepts with again. Daphne was too busy with her medical journals and studying. He used to bounce his concepts off Brian and he would do as Dawn was- asking important questions in which Justin would draw out a premise of the work and Brian would tell him to get his cute little ass to work- after the requisite fuck-a-thon as a reward of course. He couldn't even do this with Lindsey, never wanting to foster jealousy at the direction of his career. "Tell you what...I'll make four originals- one for Brian of course, one for you and Henry, one for my mom and one to sell. The others we can sell as smaller replicas varying in size. Sound okay?"

 

 

 

Dawn smiled wide while pushing back her long red bangs out of her eyes. She had been writing the distribution down and was most thrilled that she and Henry were to receive an original. "Sounds great, although Henry and I would like to pay you for the original. Myrna shared with us what your ultimate goal is and you reiterated it while we've been speaking. Henry and I would like to help you achieve that."

 

 

 

"You already are. Besides it would be my way of saying thank you. The one thing that I am sure of is that you all will work hard on my behalf and that means more to me than money. So don't even think about not accepting my gift," Justin said as he raised an eyebrow at her which caused her to smile in return.

 

 

 

"Okay if you insist."

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

The Legend of Sin and Sex Declassified....

 

 

 

It was nearing three o'clock and Brian was wishing that eleven o'clock would hurry up and get here. He almost laughed at himself. He'd only been back a little less than half a day and already going through Justin-withdrawal. It was pathetic really but after the last two weeks of having him at his beck and call, it was understandable. Sex five times a day plus anytime in between if their schedules permitted was a perk his body was loathe to give up. Even as he sat behind his desk, his hardened member was determined to make him run his washroom to relieve it. Mind over matter was not working especially since said mind was determined to lurid flash images of Justin before his eyes- Justin naked and writhing, Justin in the backroom at Therapy, Justin pressed against the glass of the penthouse and in the shower. Fuck!

 

 

 

He pushed forcefully out of his chair ready to succumb to his body's demand when the buzzer sounded loud in the otherwise silent office.

 

 

 

As calmly as he was able he answered it. "Yes, Cynthia?"

 

 

 

He heard her slight chuckle. She couldn't know, could she? Cynthia had a knack for knowing what Brian was thinking even sometimes before he's registered the thought happened. Sometimes it served him well; other times it sucked and not in a positive life-affirming way.

 

 

 

"Marcus Hughes is here to see you," she said calmly. "He doesn't have an appointment but since he's here..."

 

 

 

"Give me ten minutes and then send him in," Brian said.

 

 

 

"Brian-"

 

 

 

"Ten minutes." And he clicked off the intercom.

 

 

 

Reaching his bathroom, he dialed the phone. He'd be willing to settle for the fucking voice mail as long as he could hear his voice. So he was surprised when Justin picked up.

 

 

 

"This isn't eleven o'clock."

 

 

 

Brian could hear the smile in his voice, the answering one appearing on his face in kind. "What are you wearing?"

 

 

 

"Chocolate brown Armani with Robin's Egg blue sweater. I'm in a meeting but Henry just went to the kitchen and to check with Dawn about the distribution schedule."

 

 

 

Brian had released and palmed his dick as soon as he heard Justin's voice. "You know what I'm doing?"

 

 

 

"It's what- three o'clock?" Brian heard Justin shuffling-probably checking the time. He lowered his voice to that tone which never failed to arouse Brian. "Yeah. I know exactly what you're doing."

 

 

 

Brian moaned. "Wish you were here, Sunshine. I could just feel your lips on my cock."

 

 

 

"Really? Lick your palm for me. That's it... get it nice and wet then let it slide up and down," Justin commanded and Brian complied instantly.

 

 

 

"Oh God."

 

 

 

"Yeah. Tighten your hand and move it faster." Brian did as he was told. "Uh-huh. I hear you gasping. Close huh?"

 

 

 

"Yes." Brian groaned into the phone.

 

 

 

"Good. Slow down but keep that fucking fist tight. Feel my ass grinding down on you."

 

 

 

"Ugh." Brian was near delirium. Following Justin's instructions put his orgasm just out of reach. He squeezed tighter as if Justin was right there with him.

 

 

 

"Speed up again, Brian. That's it. Harder. Faster. I wanna hear you cum." And Brian did five fist fucks later. The orgasm nearly took his legs out from under him. He gripped the sink to hold himself upright.

 

 

 

"Fuck, that was hot, Sunshine."

 

 

 

"I aim to please, Lover. I gotta go. Call me tonight. Love you."

 

 

 

"Have a good meeting. You too."

 

 

 

Brian cleaned the area and washed his hands. He caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His eyes were clear but sparkling. No doubt it was the magic that was Justin Taylor. He actually looked relaxed and almost- happy? Disregarding the notion or rather leaving it for later examination, Brian exited the washroom just as Cynthia was leading Marcus Hughes into the office.

 

 

 

"Good afternoon, Marcus. To what do we owe the honor of your visit?"

 

 

 

The account executive for Liberty Air cleared his throat. "I was hoping I could speak with you... alone for a few minutes."

 

 

 

"Problem?" Brian really wanted Cynthia to stay so he detained her until he was certain this wasn't business related. Brian had a feeling he knew what the man wanted.

 

 

 

"No. At least not where business is concerned. In fact sales are up twenty percent since last quarter thanks to the new Liberty Air campaign."

 

 

 

"Well we aim to please the clients. So this is a social visit then?"

 

 

 

"You could say that."

 

 

 

Brian nodded. "Would you like coffee? I'm long overdue for my caffeine shot."

 

 

 

"No thanks, Brian."

 

 

 

"Cynthia, could you bring me some. Thanks," he said meaningfully, watching as her eyes widened marginally. He knew she would catch on. "Now what can I do for you?"

 

 

 

"It's more about what I can do for you, Brian."

 

 

 

"Oh?"

 

 

 

"I'm going to cut right to the chase. I hear you're no longer involved with that little blond twink who used to hang around you all the time. I'd like a chance to take his place."

 

 

 

Marcus wasn't bad looking. At thirty-seven years old, six-one, dirty blond hair and green eyes, he was quite attractive. He was confident enough where it bordered on arrogance reminding Brian a little of himself. The problem with him was that he wasn't a twenty-five year old, five-foot-nine blond with cerulean blue eyes who had spunk, intelligence, talent, an exceptionally dirty mind and mouth with a ten-inch cock.

 

 

 

"I see," Brian said calmly. "The problem is that I am still involved with the twink you referred to and his shoes cannot be filled nor do I want them to be."

 

 

 

"I heard he went to New York to begin his career and that it's doing well."

 

 

 

"That's true but out of curiosity, how do you know so much about Justin and I?"

 

 

 

Marcus looked slightly uncomfortable but answered anyway. "I was at the Bon Voyage dinner of Ben and Michael. Ben and I have been friends since college and I was talking with his husband who is your best friend. When the conversation turned to you, he unwittingly provided me with the information.

 

 

 

Brian nodded. Unwittingly my ass. "You were informed wrong primarily because Michael is misinformed...on purpose. Justin and I prefer to keep unwanted entities out of our affairs especially now that he is in New York. Michael is in that category and consequently Ben is too. What occurs between Justin and I is our own business. As far as my best friend goes, he does not know the ins and outs of my life as well as he wishes he did and I intend to keep it that way. I feel bad that you were misled but there it is."

 

 

 

"How long do you honestly think that relationship will last? You'll want to see other people eventually."

 

 

 

Brian laughed. "We already do but it's strictly for the purpose of getting off. No names, no numbers exchanged, no kissing- just fucking. It's fast and efficient and cuts out the other drama and bullshit. I'm surprised Mikey didn't tell you that Justin and I have had an open arrangement since we began hooking up with each other when he was seventeen. We live and fuck by our own rules. I'm sure it must have been an oversight on Michael's part but it allowed me to clear up any misconceptions so I guess that's a good thing." Marcus once again shifted uncomfortably in his chair as Cynthia came in with Brian's coffee. He smiled brightly in gratitude, pausing briefly to look directly at Marcus. "Is there anything else you wanted?"

 

 

 

He took that opportunity to make his escape much to Brian's relief and amusement. "No I think you've answered my questions well enough. I'll see you next month at the conference?"

 

 

 

"Absolutely. I expect the boards for the new campaign to be done by the end of next week. I'll have Cynthia make an appointment with your office the moment they're ready."

 

 

 

He nodded and wished both Cynthia and Brian a good afternoon.

 

 

 

As soon as the office door closed behind him, Cynthia turned to Brian. "What was that all about?"

 

 

 

"Did you know that me and the little blond twink I was seeing had broken up since he went to New York? Marcus was here to try and take his place." Brian looked innocently at Cynthia as he brought his coffee up to take a satisfying draught.

 

 

 

 

 

"That's ridiculous. Where on earth would he get an idea like that?"

 

 

 

"Apparently, he was at the Bon Voyage party of the Novotny-Bruckners and because I was not there to defend myself nor Justin, Michael took it upon himself to speak for me. Oh did I mention that he also called Justin the night of said party to grill him on whether he and I were going to see each other while I was in New York?"

 

 

 

"He did what?!" Brian nearly laughed at the outrage on her face but he thought better of it. He had suspected that Cynthia had wanted to hurt Michael in the past; he had confirmation now.

 

 

 

Ted chose that moment to walk in with more financial reports and another spread sheet for the upcoming account with Zildjian- a well known cymbal and guitar manufacturer based out of Norwell, Massachusetts. It was a major account as most everyone who was anyone who played drums professionally used Zildjian. As a result the masses who aspired to play professionally did as well.

 

 

 

"Theodore, so good to see you. Have a seat," Brian said with a big grin on his face.

 

 

 

For his part, Ted thought he walked into the wrong office or that Brian Kinney- asshole extraordinaire- had been cloned or kidnapped by aliens. Looking at Cynthia's near laughter, he shrugged his shoulders and took his seat in front of Brian's massive desk. "Did you sign everything from earlier?"

 

 

 

"Yes, Theodore. Everything is signed and ready to be shipped where it has to go but on a lighter note...I just had a very informative meeting with Marcus Hughes."

 

 

 

"The account exec from Liberty Air? I just deposited their check this afternoon if that's what he was here about."

 

 

 

Brian shook his head as Cynthia folded her lips in to stifle a giggle. "It appears that he was at Michael and Ben's going away party."

 

 

 

"I know. I was there."

 

 

 

"I remember, Ted. He came here to inform me that now that I was no longer involved with Justin, that he wanted to take his place. Apparently, Michael gave him a detailed and misinformed opinion that it's ‘Open Season on Kinney' since Justin is now off in New York. Why didn't you tell me?"

 

 

 

"To what purpose? There was no indication that Hughes was going to push his suit. His follow-up questions seemed benign in comparison to what Michael said regarding Justin."

 

 

 

"Wait...what did he say regarding Justin?"

 

 

 

"Only that he called him to warn him to stay away from you. When Justin deflected his questions, stating that if you and he saw each other it was between the two of you not him, that really incensed him."

 

 

 

Brian nodded. "Justin said the same thing. Michael had literally called my cell phone seventeen times and left sixteen voice mails last night alone. Finally Justin got tired of it and told me to answer the damn phone. Even now, I wish I hadn't."

 

 

 

"What happened to no regrets, Kinney?" Cynthia asked.

 

 

 

"Yeah well, time I spent on that pointless conversation and usual diatribe I could have been in Justin ." They both cringed which always amused Brian. "Look. If he calls or does anything else, I want to know about it- no matter how mundane. Got it?" He looked to Cynthia and then Ted.

 

 

 

"Brian, you know someday, he's going to force you to make a choice you shouldn't have to make," Cynthia said.

 

 

 

Brian nodded but didn't speak. He had the same feeling.

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

 

 

Sense and Non-sensibility....

 

 

 

Henry pulled up the slides of Justin's latest work so that they could select the pieces for the upcoming shows in New York, LA and Toronto. It would be nice to see Mel, Lindz and the kids while he's there and he makes plans to do so amongst his grueling schedule.

 

 

 

"The way this is looking I'll be gone more than I am at home," Justin said, a little petulance evident in his voice.

 

 

 

He was genuinely happy that he was doing the shows, many of which would be sold out upon arrival and would technically be just a meet and greet. The problem was that it didn't leave much opportunity to sleep in his own bed...or Brian's. In addition to the shows, he still had commissions to get finished as well as logos to redesign and he had finals. He would have to arrange to tutor Sean for the last time in the two weeks before the actual test. There would be little time to prepare himself. The good thing was that most of his final projects were just about finished- two of which would be showcased in the student show at the end of the semester after finals were done.

 

 

 

Henry cut into his thoughts. "I've arranged with your professors to have the work requiring book research to be compiled so that you could email the assignments in. How close are you to finishing the three required for the showcase."

 

 

 

"Why do you ask, Henry?"

 

 

 

"It's just that you're so close to graduation that you can't afford any...distractions."

 

 

 

Justin bristled at the tall man. Looking directly into the dark brown eyes behind his square glasses, Justin smiled tightly. "Are you referring to Brian, Henry? Because if you are, I want to assure you of two things: number one, Brian is just as invested in my completing all of my work as I am; number two is my relationship or how I govern my time regarding it, is off limits. No ifs, ands, buts or maybes about it. If this is going to be an ongoing issue then we should probably end this relationship right now."

 

 

 

Henry shook his head. "I apologize if I offended you, Justin. It's just that we all believe in your talent and see the greatness in you. I had to make sure that your boyfriend was of the same opinion. It's not uncommon that jealousy often occurs between work commitments and significant others. Somewhere along the lines, something or someone starts to feel or be neglected."

 

 

 

Justin smiled genuinely then. "I know the feeling all too well, Henry. Six years ago I was in that exact same position with Brian. We were supposed to go to Vermont and he had to cancel on me at the last minute to save his job. You see the company he worked for had been taken over by a much larger one. As a result, Brian had to make a choice between me and business. Obviously, he chose business. It took awhile for me to understand why and it was one instance in a long line of crazy that split us up the first time. So the one thing that Brian Kinney understands is that business is business. He is the very definition of "Work Hard and Play Harder." I learned my lessons well from the Master." He finished with a smirk.

 

 

 

"Brian Kinney, you say?" As Henry asked he typed Brian's name into Google.

 

 

 

"The one and only."

 

 

 

"The CEO of Kinnetik, Corp?"

 

 

 

"Yes."

 

 

 

"The one who was fired for fucking an intern but subsequently exposed the Pittsburgh Police Chief for covering up a murder?"

 

 

 

"The very same although there is a discrepancy in that report. You see, I was an intern- it's true but I was his partner first." Justin went on to explain the history of he and Brian prior to that report and afterward. "Originally Brian was just looking to do his job and make the Stockwell campaign a success. The problem with that was the fact that Jim Stockwell was the chief when I was bashed. The police listed it as a simple assault by Chief Stockwell's orders instead of a hate crime, which it was. My attacker got off with community service for almost killing me because I'm gay and refuse to hide who I am. I spent three weeks in a coma and I don't know how many countless hours in rehab. I still have effects from it such as my damaged right hand with cramps to the point of temporary paralysis when it's overworked. The chronic migraines occur thanks to damn near having my skull crushed by the bat and my hard fall onto the concrete of the parking garage. Those I will have for the rest of my life. The reason Brian went after Chief Stockwell was because he needed to be held accountable for what his police department did-or better yet didn't do. Come to find out there were other members of the gay community whose murders went unsolved, including Jason Kemp whose case was the last that Stockwell ordered closed. He ordered it closed to protect his former partner who was not only a closet fag but hated the fact that he was a closet fag. Jason attempted to blackmail him with exposure. He was a runaway who was new to town and needed the money to eat and find a place to live until he could find a job. His body was found in the dumpster behind the diner where I waited tables."

 

 

 

"So he did it for you?"

 

 

 

"Amongst other reasons. Contrary to a lot of people's opinions, I wasn't the only one affected that night, Henry. Brian had come to my prom. I'm told we danced and he kissed me in front of everyone; that it was beautiful and romantic."

 

 

 

"Told?"

 

 

 

"Yeah. I am missing everything that happened from the week before the prom and everything that happened before the actual bashing. The last thing I remember was asking Brian to my prom and him telling me no and to find a girl to go with. I took my best friend, Daphne. She's the one who helped me fill in some of the blanks although it seems like a story one would tell their kids most of the time. It was just too perfect-fairy tale perfect. Anyway, I recovered the memory of the bashing itself at my partner's son's first birthday party. He had received a plastic bat as a gift and the way he swung it jarred my brain into remembering that at least. I remembered turning because Brian called my name to warn me. He saw the entire thing and tried to stop it but according to him, I was too far away and Chris Hobbs' was moving too fast behind me. He swung when he heard Brian's voice. I hate to think of what would've happened if Brian hadn't seen it and ultimately saved my life. "

 

 

 

"Jesus...no wonder he needed the revenge. If anyone had done that to Dawn..." Henry was literally in shock hearing all of the events surrounding Stockwell. He was familiar with the scandal but it had seemed surreal but hearing the firsthand account by one of the participants was remarkable in itself.

 

 

 

"Exactly. So now you understand that Brian doesn't hold me back. He pushes and drives me. In a large way, if it hadn't been for him, I wouldn't be sitting here in front of you and not just because I'm in New York. If it wasn't for him and two artists friends of mine, I wouldn't have thought I could draw again. Although, I paint and sketch by hand of course, the initial sketch is done by a computer so that I can work longer. Brian bought it for me because he knew that I would literally die if I couldn't draw again."

 

 

 

"He sounds like a very special man, Justin."

 

 

 

"Oh, he is, Henry; he really is and no one believes in me or my career more. He's my biggest cheerleader and my worse critic. If I want to keep his big mouth shut, I have to do what I'm here to do." Justin chuckled.

 

 

 

Henry nodded. "The schedule is damned tight for the next year at least if I do say so myself but from my conversation with Myrna, Amy and Dawn, this is what you need to achieve your goal relatively quickly. But what will happen when it's reached?"

 

 

 

Justin smiled his bright sunshine smile at Henry. "I guess we'll have to wait and see when I get there."

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Since we are lyin' here for the first time you and I

 

Show me what you'll do for me and then will I

 

Don't try to hide your nature

 

No one could ever rate ya

 

There'll never be a better love

 

There'll never be a better lover*

 

 

 

Brian's POV

 

 

 

The call from Justin had come in about three hours ago asking me to run to the loft to pick up a package that he'd sent. Trying to get away from the office had been hell; avoiding calls from Michael abroad even more so. I was still fuming from the impromptu meeting with Marcus Hughes three weeks ago and rightfully so. I still can't figure out his angle but I'm sure that it's so he can convince himself that Justin is no longer a factor. When will Mikey ever learn...

 

 

 

Coming up on the elevator the largest box imaginable is awaiting me. Perhaps I should have told him to send it to Britin but I'm still not ready for him to know about the house yet. With his showing in Toronto next week and all the subsequent things on his schedule, Justin's career is taking off. Knowing about the house would dull his shine right now and we can't have that. I'm so proud of him even if I barely acknowledge that fact to him. I know he knows just as he knows that I love him. I miss him like hell though- another thing I won't tell him because it doesn't help either one of us to say or hear it. The one comfort I have is that every time I punch in the code to the loft and to Britin, it reminds me that he isn't that far away. In truth he's right here...again thoughts that are so lesbianic, I won't breathe them into the air. There's enough lesbian tendencies in me where Justin is concerned that it will take at least a half bottle of Beam to drown them out or at the very least quiet them so they don't accidentally spill out of my mouth during our phone call tonight.

 

 

 

"I wonder if he packed dead bodies into this damn canvas along with all the other packing essentials such as bubble wrap. This is fucking heavier than any of them." And why is the air crackling?

 

 

 

"Nope. No dead bodies but it's a larger canvas." I spun around so fast I nearly made myself dizzy but goddamn he's beautiful standing there naked. "Need help?"

 

 

 

I pause and I can feel my lips folding in trying unsuccessfully to hide the smile forming on my lips. I remember the first time he asked me that in the premium suite of the New Yorker hotel in Midtown standing as naked as he is right now. Just like then, I can't resist the urge to touch him so I don't. Yanking him to me, I devour his lips, exploring every part of his mouth- snatching his breath and giving him mine in return. Damn he feels so good pressed against me. Impatience and need feel like they are clawing me from the inside as I loosen my tie, breaking the kiss only long enough to toss the offensive object over my head. He immediately starts on the buttons of my shirt while our tongues duel for dominance. I feel the little stinging pricks from his five-o'clock-shadow bristling but I don't even care that I'll have beard burn for at least part of the week. All that matters is that he is here placing little biting kisses on my lips, neck and collarbone.

 

 

 

"Wait," I say softly. There's just something I have to know. "How long are you here for?"

 

 

 

"Do we have to talk about this now?" He moans in protest as he rubs against me. He's hot and hard but as much as I want him, I have a couple of things I have to do based on his answer. Please God don't let it only be for tonight! Sensing that my question was important, he sighs deeply before answering. "My show in Toronto is Friday night but I have to meet Mel and Lindz around two for lunch."

 

 

 

I nod my response. It would stand to reason that he should see them while he's there even though it would be nice to have him for more than two and a half days. I wish he'd told me he was coming but I have to admit that I enjoyed this surprise. I reached into my pants pocket as he began to unbutton them. Dialing Cynthia, I'm almost moaning aloud as Justin deep-throats my cock as soon as she picks up.

 

 

 

"I'm not coming in until Friday morning, Cyn." Oh damn he's killing me.

 

 

 

"You know you have six meetings scheduled between now and then."

 

 

 

"Cancel them and reschedule between Friday and Monday. Oh fuck-" I couldn't hold that back and Justin knew it since he was smiling around my cock in his mouth.

 

 

 

"Are you alright? You sound kinda winded."

 

 

 

"Don't worry, Cyn. I'm fine, more than fine really. I have a guest who decided to show up unannounced and he'll only be here until Friday morning."

 

 

 

"Brian, these are important meetings and they're the ones who like to chat with you specifically."

 

 

 

"I...know...that's why...I'm asking...you...to...Justin if you keep that up..."

 

 

 

"I can just about imagine what's going on over there. Fine, I'll reschedule but what do you want me to tell Ted?"

 

 

 

"Just tell him something came up. It's not that I don't trust Ted; it's that he'll want to see Justin and honestly I don't want the interruption. So only call if the building is burning okay?"

 

 

 

"Alright. Have a good time."

 

 

 

"I will but then you already know that."

 

 

 

I hung up the phone happy in the knowledge that no one would expect me to go M.I.A. for Justin. No one knew he was here and no one would think to check the loft first for me because I had officially moved into Britin a little over a year ago. Since the code had been changed and only Justin and I had it so far, the situation was damned near perfect.

 

 

 

I toed of my shoes and socks; stepped out of my pants and briefs while he was still burning a hole through my groin with his hot and talented mouth. There were plenty who could give a decent blow job but none quite like Justin. He required minimal coaching on the very first time but the boy- the man- was a natural knowing what I needed and what my body demanded even before I could say it. No other mouth had the ability to turn me hot and make me shiver as if cold at that same time. I wrapped my fingers in the silky strands I'd been dreaming about for weeks. They were a bit longer and easier to grasp as his actions caused my hips to counter move between his lips. I can't remember a time Justin seemed so...hungry. Lustful, certainly. Eager, always. Insatiable, definitely but ravenous? That only happened a few times and usually when he was nervous- terrified more like- of something.

 

 

 

I pulled him up to his feet kissing him equally forceful, relishing the subtle clash of our teeth and the shared breath. Whatever it was, I would get to the bottom of later but for now there was just this...just us. Luckily, I hadn't removed the stack of pillows that formed a makeshift mattress yet. I had planned to have it shipped to the house later this week since I'd forgotten it on my last trip here. Justin kept eating at my mouth even as I kicked his legs out ‘from under him, sending us both crashing onto the pallet.

 

 

 

"Hey. Slow down," I said between kisses.

 

 

 

"Need you in me."

 

 

 

"I will be but what's bothering you?"

 

 

 

"Right now my ever-hard, ever-ready dick."

 

 

 

I laughed softly. I couldn't help it. "Of course that's bothering you but you're bordering on rape here."

 

 

 

It was Justin who laughed then. "Like you would press charges."

 

 

 

"Nah, Sunshine, you know I like it rough and so do you. But why are you rushing through this?"

 

 

 

"No time to waste, Brian. I want to get fucked as hard and as fast; as often as you can take me." He kissed me deeply again.

 

 

 

I grabbed the lube and a condom from Justin's discarded pants. "Tsk, tsk, tsk...such bad habits, Sunshine. I wonder where you get this one from."

 

 

 

He smiled brightly back at me. "If being with you has taught me one thing, it's to never leave home without the fuck aid kit."

 

 

 

It didn't take long to prep him as the main goal was to get off fast and hard. I entered him strong and sure, steadying myself on my elbows. I looked down into his eyes as I began to move over him; watched as whatever clouds were hanging there began to dissipate to be replaced by lust and that nameless emotion so strong that it took my breath for a second and made me falter. Justin was good at hiding his emotions except his eyes always gave him away. It always reminded me of the first time he and I were together, the way he never broke the contact until I couldn't look anymore and buried my face in his neck. Even high, I knew there was something lasting in those incredible orbs- something that would come to mean so much to me even now.

 

 

 

Please come over here and let me whisper softly in your ear

 

I'll say something good to you, you always wanted to hear

 

So real I know you won't regret it

 

So good I know you won't forget it

 

There'll never be a better love

 

There'll never be a better lover for you*

 

 

 

"Take what you need, Justin," I whispered to him.

 

 

 

He clenched around my dick causing me to groan loudly. It was as if he was asking for permission and once given, he let loose...topping me from the bottom, controlling every movement with speed and accuracy for where he wanted me to be. He locked his ankles around my back and used his deceptively strong legs and abs to pull himself onto my cock. It was a new brand of torture every time my head swiped across his gland; Justin was fucking me royally. On the last upward motion of his hips, I snapped mine into him.

 

 

 

"Ugh. Oh God."

 

 

 

"Brian... My name is Brian," I said forcefully, relishing the whimper he released. "Say it," I demanded as I drove into him the same way.

 

 

 

My name was torn off his lips on a whoosh of air which ghosted across my lips. The classic game of push and pull; give and take; fuck and be fucked was on. Our mating frenzied, turbulent, violent in the best of ways but most of all real, honest and true. He came apart which triggered my orgasm; the violent aftershocks which wracked him, I felt with in me. Pushing his hair out of his eyes, I was instantly transported back to the memory of the last time we were together here in the loft. I could tell the same memory was replaying in his mind. A lot is explained in the ensuing silence but mainly that he'll be leaving home- the home that was once mine which became ours-- again in a few short days.

 

 

 

"Don't think about it," I whispered knowing that he knew what I spoke of.

 

 

 

At first he just looked at me in that way he had which I hated because he usually saw what I tried desperately to hide. A slight nod, confirmed that he understood, then he smiled brightly. "You want to know what's in the box?"

 

 

 

I smiled back glad the gloomy moment was over for the moment. We both knew there would be a few more over the course of the next few days. By silent agreement we just decided to take each moment as it came and leave the future to take care of itself as it was going to do anyway. I dismounted off Justin and disposed of the condom. As I made my way to the bathroom, he stood in front of the large box unwrapping it efficiently. It would stand to reason that he would be better at it than I might have been since he was packing more and more pieces lately and building his fortune one painting at a time. When I handed him the paper towel to clean himself off, he looked at me a bit puzzled. I had forgotten that all of the towels were at the house. If I had to stay overnight I would always buy new towels since I already kept a few things here at the loft like an extra suit and the basic toiletries. If Justin was going to be making surprise trips, I should probably stock up.

 

 

 

"I haven't gotten around to redecorating, towels included."

 

 

 

"I'd forgotten about that habit of yours. Between your borderline OCD and ADD when it comes to furnishing the loft, I don't know about you," he said but he was laughing.

 

 

 

"Well you don't have to worry about it. I'm still normal."

 

 

 

"Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of."

 

 

 

We burst out laughing. I missed his quick comebacks which always caught me off guard but in turn always made me laugh. Turning back to the canvas, my breath caught a little at the tableau. It was of our first night here at the loft and our first night at the hotel in the City. I could see exactly why he was inspired; the similarities in the architecture of the two spaces were uncanny, no matter that the latter had a much better view. Our time at the penthouse reminded me of our time here at the loft as well. It wasn't just the sex, it was the normalcy of us being there together or one of us going about life only to return and be anxious for the other. It was like old times. Everything Justin felt while painting it reached me. His message was clear: Never forget.

 

 

 

"There's another that will arrive here in a few weeks of when I first got to New York. I have to commit it to canvas. The original I did a set of three actually, ended up in the weirdest of places."

 

 

 

"Where is that?"

 

 

 

"I have no idea where Until Then and Aftermath ended up although I suspect they are being appreciated. But Journey which completed the set is actually resting at the home of my agent and my art distributor. Henry and Dawn Church have been fans of my work since those three paintings were released. It was my second or third show. The first two sold quickly, even before the public had a view of them. The third sold by the following show."

 

 

 

"So you like them?" I felt decidedly uncomfortable talking about the first two paintings because he would probably berate me mercilessly for the remainder of his stay for buying them. But I couldn't NOT have them. They were of the last night we were here together. Until Then is at Britin in Justin's custom built studio and gallery. I couldn't help that my eyes shifted to the place where my television used to be. Aftermath sat there waiting to be mounted. If Justin opened that box...

 

 

 

"Strangely I do. They are some of the coolest breeders I've met and oddly they approve of my one bad habit."

 

 

 

"Fucking? I like them already."

 

 

 

Justin laughed. "No asshole. My one bad habit just happens to be a hazel-eyed hell raiser who fucks me to within an inch of sense every single time."

 

 

 

"Does your diminished brain capacity allow me to take advantage of you whenever I want?" I grabbed a handful of his luscious ass and nipped his earlobe. The smile I heard in his voice when he answered made me smile in return.

 

 

 

"Considering that every time you touch me like that addles my senses, I suppose it's acceptable."

 

 

 

I waggled my eyebrows at him, "Then I better make sure that you remain completely thoughtless. You know I get nervous when you start thinking and getting ideas."

 

 

 

"You mean like Topping for example," he whispered against my ear, flicking the lobe and causing me to involuntarily shiver. His hand slid down to my crotch and gave me a firm yet gentle squeeze.

 

 

 

"Not tonight, Sunshine...but soon."

 

 

 

"Promise." Oh he was playing dirty since he knew once I gave my word, I wouldn't go back on it.

 

 

 

"Yeah, Twat, I promise." And I led him over to the bed showing him once again that actions spoke louder than words.

 

 

 

*There'll Never Be (sung by Switch)- Debarge, Robert L.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are that special lover

 

Love keeps you tied to another

 

Sometimes heartstrings can be broken

 

But you just got to keep on going

 

That's the way it goes on Love's Train

 

If these sorrows, you've been sulkin'

 

You've just got to keep on strugglin'

 

That's the way it goes on Love's Train

 

In time everything's gonna be alright*

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

February 2008- Sweet Dreams are NOT Made of These- Justin's Journal Entry

 

That fucking Eurythmics song has been replaying in my head all fucking morning. Especially the verse about some of them (whoever the fuck ‘them' are) want to abuse you; some of them want to be abused. I'm into S&M more than the average person I know- probably even more than Brian although that's definitely questionable- but I've never considered the lyrics regarding abuse before or I should say as much I do now. Most of the acts within that realm are all trust related and yeah some people need to feel pain in order to achieve pleasure. Hell sometimes, I need that but I only let Brian administer it because I trust him implicitly and I've never considered it abuse even when I'm damn near delirious when he is intentionally and cruelly (at least by my body's definition) denying my fucking orgasm. Which brings me to the question: who the fuck in their right minds would want to get abused? It almost makes me think that Annie was a bit high when she was singing it and got the lyrics wrong. What the fuck ever though because it was a hit and I actually like the song but with everything going on with me...

 

Moving the hell on right now...

 

So Daphne has finally gotten her way and gotten me to see her therapist. I told her I didn't need to have my fucking head shrunk but Daphne wouldn't hear otherwise. Okay...maybe she has plenty of reasons to think that I've been going out of my fucking mind. Sleep hasn't come easy for the past almost ten months since the incident. When I finally manage to sleep, it's plagued by all sorts of nightmares. It also doesn't help that we've moved twice since and I can't concentrate on anything for more than an hour at a time. Admittedly, my work is suffering...a bit I think. It's not that my painting aren't selling- they are but lately, the drawings are...disturbing. YES! That's the word- disturbing. The darker my dreams, the darker bent my work takes. Ordinarily, I wouldn't have a problem with stretching my wings but for some reason a lot of blood is involved in the paintings and a spotlight and Brian and I. I don't understand if it's a memory mixing in or why everything is jumbled when I wake up screaming. Last night, I dreamed about the scarf and Brian's tux shirt which is in a box at the loft. Why? When I wanted to throw it out, Brian wouldn't let me. He's strange like that- holds on to every little scrap of the things that hurt him but gives away unworn clothing from last season's Armani collection like it doesn't matter that a shirt cost four-hundred dollars. Then he'll say something cryptic like: Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. Who the hell goes around quoting George Santayana on a whim? Only Brian... yet he preaches about living in the present. I have to shake my head at him sometimes because he is a man of supreme contradictions. Yet I love him and want to see him badly. I miss him so fucking much but I can't see him right now...I. Just. Can't. He's asking when my schedule is free and I can't bring myself to set a date.

 

I still think this is the dumbest idea Nicole has come up with yet. But I know why it's necessary to write it instead of draw or paint it. It doesn't make it easier but a journal is much easier to destroy in the end and it isn't as lasting as canvas nor as expensive. I keep wondering what the hell I did wrong. I didn't lead that fucker on or anything.... Let me back up and start at the beginning which would make sense since it's the beginning of this damn journal which wouldn't exist in the first place except for fucking foolery.

 

Sean Saperstein tried to rape me. There...I've written it. Maybe now the fucking fear will go away. The whole mess started when I returned from Toronto but it stemmed from me telling Sean that there was never going to be anyone for me but Brian. No one gets into my ass but Brian and I was not going to fuck him because I was not attracted to him in any way, shape or form. Many might think I provoked him to wrath but how does one provoke rape exactly? Or in my case almost rape? I only told the little motherfucker the truth on that morning in March last year. I didn't want any misunderstandings and I wanted him to stop trying to wheedle his way in. It was tiring and trying and I'd had enough. The last straw was showing up at my house, letting himself into the apartment and making fucking coffee while Daphne was sleeping. If he had been a straight guy and pulled that, Daphne... the fucking bastard!

 

Anyway, I knew I had come back two days before the Art History final so I called Sean to prepare him for the test which is what I'd told Gary I would do. There was no reason to suspect anything crazy would happen since I had made my position clear. I cracked open my beer and Sean had asked for a Dr. Pepper which was his favorite drink. Again, nothing to be alarmed about right? Brian called so I excused myself to the kitchen (going over all of these events step-by-step Nicole really isn't helping but it is annoying the shit out of me- just thought you should know that since you'll be the only one reading this). The kitchen in the old apartment was only separated by a breakfast bar from the living room. It wasn't like it was in an entirely separate room or area of the house. Brian was calling me from the upstairs office in Babylon and was describing how the value of twinks had gone down since I was not there. He'd decided to stop in for a little while before the crowd came in so that he could actually look over the books and inventory sheets before heading home and our nightly eleven o'clock phone fuck session... Jeez what our lives have been reduced to since I moved to New York! Anyway, I hung up with Brian and headed back over to the couch in the living room area. As usual, Sean had some snide comment to say about Brian and how he is too old for me and that I should give him a shot. Also as usual, I ignored the little twerp and proceeded to quiz him on the masters of Impressionism such as Monet and Renoir. When he once again got several answers wrong, I took a large gulp of my beer and proceeded once again to explain the differences between their techniques. Since I'd take the course at PIFA but it was one of the credits the institute wouldn't accept as a transfer credit and I had to take it again, I was pretty certain that question would be one of the first asked and it had to be answered in essay form. About fifteen minutes after putting my beer down, I felt a bit dizzy. Sean kept asking me if I was okay. I told him I felt fine but fifteen minutes after that I couldn't hold my head up. My entire body felt- for lack of a better term- paralyzed. I couldn't even move to go to the bathroom to splash water on my face. I could move my eyes, could blink but the visions were blurry. I tried to ask Sean to bring me a glass of water but nothing came out. The panic was beyond anything I've ever felt or could understand. I was trapped and mentally screaming in a body that wouldn't respond no matter how much I asked it to. The last time I'd felt such helplessness was when I woke up from my coma. I felt my clothes being tugged and pulled. I tried to will my hands to move- nothing. But the one thing I could do which I wish I couldn't was hear.

 

"Let's just shut this off so we won't be disturbed, huh?"Sean said all chipper like. Why the fuck wasn't he calling an ambulance?- I thought. I looked at my nearly drained beer bottle. It looked the same but something was different inside my mouth. There was a sweetness to the taste that I didn't normally get when I drank a Coors light. "So Justin...you said that your ass was off limits to everyone but Brian, huh? Well tonight I'll prove that he's nothing and definitely not better than I am. You really should leave that old dick alone. I warned you that I wouldn't give up and that I would have you one way or another, didn't I? So just lie there and enjoy it."

 

I remember screaming to the top of my lungs but hearing nothing from my own mouth. I couldn't even fucking cry. HELPLESS!!!!! I hate that fucking word but there was no other word that would fit what I was just then. I remember hearing him on the phone and my address being given but not much more of the conversation except the word hurry. I felt my legs being lifted which I found strange because I couldn't lift them myself. As Sean was about to ram me, with or without a condom- I really don't know and I don't remember hearing a foil wrapper tearing, Daphne and her boyfriend, Louis or Luigi or Lawrence-whatever the fuck- entered the house. Daph began screeching immediately, yelling at me for fucking on the couch. When I didn't answer her, she knew something was wrong...very wrong. By then her boyfriend did, too. Daphne had him keep Sean from escaping until the whole truth was gotten out of him. By then someone else was at the door banging. There was some sort of struggle at the door which I could hear but after that nothing. I may have passed out, I don't remember. But I do remember hearing Daph talking to me a short while later and covering me with a blanket. She looked at my cell phone cursing. She had been trying to call me to let me know L-whatever his name is- was coming home with her so that I wouldn't be caught with my pants down, which technically I was caught with them down anyway. When Brian called Daphne told him that I was at the studio and had accidentally left my phone in the apartment. He didn't think much of it at the time because usually if that happened he knew it was something I needed to sketch out or paint immediately. It was a behavior he was pretty used to after five years of living with me. I would jump out of bed at all hours to draw or run down the hall to the next loft which Brian made into a semi studio/storage unit for such occasions. It took me about two hours to be able to move. Daph knew what was wrong almost immediately even before she found the empty vial Sean had dropped at the couch thinking that I wouldn't find it until after the deed was done. She'll make an excellent doctor someday. Once I could move she and her boyfriend, (insert whatever name you want as long as it begins with L here), gave me a shower and put me to bed to sleep off the rest of the drug. I heard her mention GHB which I know now is a common date rape drug. It's clear and sweet smelling and also has a faintly sweet taste from my experience- sort of like perfume or peaches... or maybe that's in my imagination.

 

Anyway as a result I can't be touched. Fucking as top is one thing. I tie them up or make them face the wall but they are not allowed to touch me...at all. It's all about control. Brian and I already have a ‘no kissing and no bottoming' rule in place so it makes it easier to get my needs met. My main problem is the lack of sleep, the darkness displayed in my work and the fact that I can' t see Brian right now. He would know instantly that something is wrong no matter how much I try to make him believe otherwise. Who's to say he doesn't know already even though on the surface everything is ‘normal.?' We still have our standing eleven o'clock appointment. He knows that I've moved twice although he doesn't know the real reason which is that I have no idea where Sean is and since Gary quit managing Therapy when Daphne threatened to call the cops, I don't know where he is either. A restraining order is in place but what difference does that really make? At least living on Roosevelt Island now, we have a house that we're renting and it's a relatively small, quiet area where everyone knows everyone's business. In my current state of nervousness, I prefer nosy neighbors and it also helps that Henry and Dawn live only two blocks away.

 

I don't know how to get out of the rut I'm in. I can't tell Brian and until I'm better I can't see him. What the fuck?

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Venice, Italy June 2009

 

"I really need to thank you for inviting me here for the week Justin, although I'm not sure why you did. A simple phone call might have done the trick and you might have saved yourself a shit load of cash," Nicole Baird said.

 

Justin smiled at her. If he was straight he may have actually hit on his therapist. A petite caramel beauty with a mouth like a sailor and not afraid to speak her mind.

 

"It was just easier to have you here, Nicole and no thanks is needed. You're doing me a favor."

 

"But what about my husband and kids?"

 

Justin laughed aloud at that. "I would have invited them if you had any of those. I just don't think that I can face Brian alone after...you know."

 

She nodded. "You have two options, Justin."

 

"I know. Avoid him and let Sean win or face all of it."

 

"Listen to me, Justin," she said seriously. "You don't have to tell Brian anything that you don't want to but based on what you've told me about him, he would understand."

 

"He would but you know the nature of my problem right now and where it stems from. That's the issue. In our relationship we have pretty clearly defined roles."

 

"And they are?"

 

"He's a top and I'm a bottom."

 

"I thought you were a Switch."

 

He had explained the difference to her before. "I am and I top everyone I'm with except Brian. Sure, I've only topped him a few times but frankly I like him pounding into me."

 

She winced and he laughed. "Too much information, Justin."

 

"Yeah right. Like you don't like a good hard fuck once in awhile yourself. Everyone does- or at the very least they should."

 

"Point well taken. Have you been keeping up with your journal?"

 

"Yeah, even though I still think it's pointless."

 

"Not if there are things that you can't say verbally especially to Brian. He's your partner. What is it you're really afraid of? Why can't you tell him?"

 

Justin sighed deeply. How could he explain the situation between Brian and Gary Saperstein without making him seem like a nut case? Gary is not directly responsible for his despicable nephew Sean unless... "Oh fuck! That dirty son of a bitch!"

 

"I don't think Brian would appreciate being called names especially since to my knowledge he hasn't done anything to earn them."

 

"Not Brian, Nicole. Gary Saperstein knew... he had to know what Sean was up to. I remember Sean making a call just before Daphne got there. Gary had tried what Sean almost succeeded at before but when he did I was high at an after-hours party and I kicked him in the teeth. I made my way to Daph's apartment back in the Pitts, sobered up and made it home just before mine and Brian's imposed curfew."

 

"So why would you agree to tutor his nephew knowing that he was a sleaze ball?"

 

"I thought the time in jail on unrelated charges had actually done him some good. Sean's parents had died shortly after Gary had come home and I felt bad for the kid. My dad wasn't exactly supportive when I came out. Neither was my mom initially until she realized that being gay didn't really change who I was at the core of my being. The fact that I fuck guys was just a part of who I was. I think her main issue was that I was fucking Brian- well and often I might add- but yeah, I was still the same just a bit more worldly and not the innocent blond doll she wished for me to be. Regardless, I could respect what Gary was trying to do in taking responsibility for his lazy, spoiled nephew. Plus he was paying me. At the time the money was everything because of what I'm trying to do where Brian and I are concerned. I would have done just about anything except sell drugs or my ass to get as close to my financial goal as possible. No, I wasn't going to get rich tutoring Sean but every little bit helped."

 

"I think if anything, Brian will be upset that you allowed yourself to be put in a position where there was danger. It won't matter if you knew it was dangerous or not in his mind. Was he aware of the situation with the uncle?"

 

Justin shook his head. "I never told him that. If I did, I would probably be visiting him in jail instead of being here in Venice, trying to design my life. Although he is generally not a violent man, he still has a very short fuse and has no problem becoming volatile within seconds. Besides that he'll feel responsible in some way and I can't let that happen to him. He already carries enough guilt about things which he had no control over- the bashing and the bombing of Babylon to name a few. Somehow he takes it into his head that it's all his fault and then his pain management tendencies come out full force to torment him."

 

"Pain management?"

 

"Yeah. Drinking like the world is going to run out of liquor at any moment and taking most of the letters of the alphabet. E, K, GHB and a few harder substances. I just can't do that to him!"

 

"Alright, alright, Justin. I get it," Nicole said holding up her hands. "Well since both of you are working on the new Maserti campaign, you're going to have to find a way to cope with being touched. You know that Brian would never hurt you so you have that in your favor to work through the feeling. Based on what you've told me, your non-verbal communication tells everything especially what you try to hide from each other. So if that's true then you're going to have to find a way not to tense up the minute he reaches for you."

 

"I've gotta go. I want to get some lunch before I'm due at corporate."

 

Nicole nodded. "I think you should take your journal with you."

 

"Why?"

 

She smiled at him. "You never know when inspiration might strike and I'd be interested if you come up with any new coping strategies while you're in the presence of Brian Kinney. If you're hell-bent on not telling him- and I can see that you are- but still wanting to continue the relationship for what it is, I think that journal which you consider pointless and stupid now, is going to come in handy. I'll see you later and call me if you need me."

 

"Where are you going?"

 

"I'm going to enjoy my vacation on your dime. It's nap time! I could really get used to this, Justin."

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

If you are that special lover

 

Love keeps you tied to another*

 

As always, my timing in business is impeccable. That's the good news. The Maserati request for a meeting couldn't have been better timed. When I called Justin to ask him to accompany me to Venice, Italy as a mini-vacation, imagine my surprise when Daphne informed me that Justin was already here and had been for the better part of a month. He hadn't mentioned it which in and of itself was strange. She said that it was a last minute consignment for JT Designs and so he put everything else on hold. Apparently the artist who was supposed to do it had been arrested on drug trafficking and Justin came highly recommended. I could believe that. Justin is a genius in his own right. The problem is not only did Justin not tell me but Theodore didn't either. He still is after all, both mine and Justin's accountant. It's a bit shocking because Ted shut down the Tell-a-Queen telegraph service which means Justin asked that it be kept strictly confidential and hidden specifically from me. Odd, to say the least but it does explain a lot of our missed calls for the last month and the exhausted sounding voice mails he left on my cell since Italy is about six hours ahead of New York and Pennsylvania.

 

I wish I had a camera available yesterday when I walked into the lobby of the corporate office and saw his face...well the first thing I saw was his ass bent over, hands clasped behind his legs. I knew he was stretching his back the way he often does upon rising first thing in the morning but goddamn what a tempting sight that was! My first inclination was to ram it since it had been more than a year since I last did. But I had to remember I walked in there on business equipped with a khaki Armani suit and my briefcase in hand. I didn't have to wait long for him to know I was there. The chronic awareness which grips me in his presence always does the same to him. His spine stiffened almost immediately and he turned toward me so fast I thought he would lose his balance. He didn't. Looking at those cerulean blue eyes and blond hair, made me harder than I was just viewing his ass. His hair was longer which he wore in a small bun at the back of his head, his chest a bit broader than I remembered and I could see the definition in his arms. He wasn't a cream-filled Twinkie anymore by anyone's standards but he would always be my twink. I could see it in his eyes and I knew he could see it in mine. I think the most fascinating change other than his hair was the sexy stubble covering his chin and jawline. Justin was a man who literally shaved twice a day when appearing in public. We didn't have much time to exchange greetings or catch up with each other because it was time for me to go into the boardroom. I mouthed the word later and he nodded his head but by the time I got out of the meeting which ran a bit late, he was gone. I heard he was staying at the Ai Cavelieri di Venezia but I figured I would just catch up with him later. As beautiful as Justin was, I could also see the signs of exhaustion. But then there isn't much about him that I don't know or notice.

 

Sometimes heartstrings can be broken

 

But you just got to keep on going*

 

I keep wondering how much more either of us can endure of the separation. The secret meetings- when they actually can happen- and all that this entails has got to be weighing on Justin as much as it is me. Babylon is okay but it just isn't the same. I think I could even endure it without Mikey, Ted and Emmett but without Justin...he was my partner, my fuck buddy and my partner in crime and even though I still visit the backroom as often as I can, the fun of it has gone. Now I trick more out of necessity than any real desire. I wonder how Justin is faring in that department. He works so much and so hard and for what? To be my equal? To keep Michael or anyone else from throwing it up in his face ever again? I guess if I was on the receiving end of it, I would understand how he feels. I still do to an extend but if it isn't bothering me, then why should it bother him? I do for all of them and they don't complain about that but Justin hasn't asked me for anything the way the rest of them have. Doing for him is my pleasure not obligation like with Lindz and Mikey. Someday I guess I'll find out the real reason why what I do with my fucking money bothers Michael so much. I haven't really heard Lindz mention it except in passing but then she knows things that everyone else doesn't about the financial situation with Justin and I. She knows about the contracts we have going stemming all the way back from when he started PIFA and she's been sworn to secrecy about it. The funny thing is that the very reason Justin didn't want to take my money in the first place was that Michael kept throwing it up in his face but now with a promissory note and contract still in place, every time I talk to Michael and Justin's name comes up, he still mentions how Justin was a gold-digger. Some of Michael's opinions I let go because there is just no changing his mind and I've urged Ted and Em to do the same. No one can fix stupid and that's exactly what Michael is regarding this situation. I suppose that statement is unfair to a degree because no one, especially me, has bothered to correct his foolish opinion. To me it's just none of his fucking business and it isn't. The bad thing is that with my silence, Justin continues to have his character assassinated even when he isn't around to defend himself. As a result, I've limited my contact with Michael. Limited is probably not the right word as much as created a distance; set boundaries. It had to be done for various reasons but most of all because it was getting harder and harder to hear him talk about Justin and me not want to punch him again. I promised myself after the first time that I wouldn't do it again but damn, Mikey makes it hard not to want to.

 

I must have thought the devil up because there he is....sitting at a corner booth at the outdoor cafe. I know that I've missed talking with him this past month but it only seems magnified since I've seen him yesterday and today. I want so badly to know what's going on with him but I don't want to push. And I won't. Crossing the street seemed as natural as breathing. No matter where we are I can't help but gravitate toward him. It seems funny now since the first year of our non-relationship, I wanted nothing more than to get away from him mainly because I knew he had the ability to make me care what happened to him. I don't even really know when during that first year I started to; when the exact moment happened when he began to mean more to me than a convenient fuck. Justin was always horny- he was seventeen for fuck's sake- but there was always...more. I don't know when it was that I started wanting to talk to him. Even during the Ian episode, I couldn't stop missing him although I would never admit that aloud to anyone. I know it had to happen but still...that was probably the hardest because I had to let him go. He had to discover things on his own- had to grow up in his own way. And yeah, I pushed him head first off of Mount St. Kinney that night because he couldn't make up his mind between us. I hated seeing him tormented and even though I wanted him, I couldn't in good conscious keep him from seeing if the grass was greener at Ian's front door. Eventually he discovered it was crabgrass but he still had to learn. He learned to appreciate me and I learned to value him. Yeah it had to happen... Over the years there were other things that had to happen but we've always found our way back to each other when we were supposed to. I'm not a big believer in fate and religious bullshit but I do know that Justin and I are sewn together like a hand in a glove. We couldn't have survived all we have and this self-imposed exile of his and not have some reason for it. His ambition reminds me of my own when I was his age. I had to be the best and I threw my all into it so although I'm concerned, I have to let him spread his wings and soar. I can't protect him through this process and that's probably the most difficult thing for me accept.

 

"Is this seat taken?"

 

That's the way it goes on Love's Train*

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Love come quick

 

Love come in a hurry

 

There are thieves in the temple tonight

 

They don't care where they kick

 

Just as long as they hurt you***

 

Okay...thanks to a major panic attack upon seeing Brian here in the last place I've ever expected to see him, I called Nicole and thankfully she's here. But her thought-provoking conversation and advice now has pissed me off...because she's right. I know I need to tell Brian but fuck I don't want to. At least not now; not yet. I can't deny what Sean took from me that night affects everything I do in profound ways. He took my security. My courage. My ability to trust my own judgment- all the things I worked and fought like hell to get back after fucking Hobbs. The fucked up thing is that I don't have Brian's help this time. I have Daph but it isn't the same. Brian was my rock and my strength during the whole episode. He was patient but tough as hell with me and wouldn't let me get away with anything- not even with my bouts of insomnia. He would make me lay there instead of being the fucking Jack-in-the-box, I've become over the last year.

 

"You're just going to lay your ass back down in six seconds anyway so you might as well lay the fuck still and ride it out," he would say.

 

The sad thing is he was absolutely right but the impulse to get up and move is a difficult one to control when you aren't sleeping next to a grouchy alpha male who has to get up for work the next morning. So I've been living in a perpetual state of limbo- up, down, paint, sketch or stretch all night long with very little sleep. Sometimes the dreams are so violent and real that I've almost hit Daphne. That happened with Brian too except that I actually did hit him couple of times. He socked me back immediately but then he understood that I couldn't be touched immediately after having a nightmare. It helped that he's had his fair share even before the prom and so he understood how mine were effecting me. But the caliber of nightmares are not only scary but confusing as well. On the surface they don't make sense and until they do, I don't want to mention them to anyone.

 

There are thieves in the temple tonight

 

Love if you're there come save me from all this cold despair

 

I can hang when you're around but I'd surely die if you're not there***

 

I know that he knows something is off with me. We're that connected. I think back over our phone conversations for the past year and how many times he asked me what was wrong. ‘Just tired' was always my reasoning and although it wasn't an outright lie, it wasn't the full-truth either. Both of us have that kind of sixth sense about each other. It's a blessing and a curse. I know he won't push but he'll worry until I get back to normal. I have to get back to normal! I want him in me and on me but I don't think I can bear it right now and that sucks. For the first time in well over a year, we're in the same place at the same time with no other interruptions besides work. Very few people know I'm here and I'm willing to bet that only Ted, Cynthia and the staff at Kinnetik know that Brian is here. I know he hasn't been by the diner as often although he said that Ted and Em still go just about everyday. He still keeps tabs on Deb but being at the diner just isn't the same. I imagine it isn't with both Michael and I gone from there. But then again that may not be the full of it either. Michael made sure to call me when he got back to Pittsburgh back in January. I could hear the underlying smugness in his voice but he did have an interesting proposition to work on Rage. I told him I would think it over but I haven't gotten back to him yet. I should probably do that soon. Even though I really don't want to work with Michael again, I can't disregard how lucrative the comic was and with the popularity of the Comic Cons and now that Amazon is offering a way for regular people to become affiliates- which means their own home business for a small fee but a major share in the profits- there is a real possibility to increase my finances. Again I have to think hard about it because I don't trust Michael not to start poking and prying into my business again. I like the fact that only a select few know about Brian and I but if Michael were to find out, he would once again make my life and relationship with Brian a living hell. I just can't...

 

Love come quick, love come in a hurry

 

There are thieves in the temple tonight***

 

"Is this seat taken?"

 

I looked up when I heard the familiar voice and part of me wishes I hadn't. I must have thought Brian up because there he stood and all I want to do is throw him down on the table and fuck his brains out.

 

"No. You can sit down."

 

Brian called the waiter over and after confirming his order and asking for a refill of my coffee, he settled into the booth, situating his briefcase next to the window. "So..how's business?"

 

"It's going okay, Brian. How's Kinnetik? I'm surprised that you're venturing into the car business."

 

He smiled at me before answering. "Why? You know I'm a gear-head more than the average gay guy. Besides Maseratis are aesthetically beautiful. I think I may buy one."

 

"Buying into your own bullshit now?" I asked laughingly. "No fucking way. Besides you know what they say about men who must buy expensive cars to prove their wealth."

 

He nodded. "That they have small dicks but we both know that's not true about me, don't we?" He raised his eyebrow at me with that sexy smirk on ghosting on his lips.

 

I felt the immediate pull in my dick and had to shift on the seat to adjust without being obvious. "No. Whatever your faults, tragic endowment isn't one of them."

 

"Glad you remember that, Sunshine. What time are you due at the dealership?"

 

"About fifteen minutes. I know that I'm supposed to be in the meeting."

 

"Yeah. I requested that you do the storyboards for the proposal. Of course since you're an independent contractor, I'll take your fee directly and absorb the cost directly with the company."

 

"Brian, I'll do it as a favor to you since it wasn't originally on the schedule and Maserati is already paying me for the mural in their showroom."

 

He shook his head at me. "Jeez, haven't I taught you anything? I'm paying you and that's it. You can either live with it or you can die with it but business is business. Besides I have a personal stake in seeing you're compensated adequately."

 

"Oh?"

 

"Yeah, Sunshine. I miss having your ass in my bed every night."

 

"The feeling's mutual, Brian but that still doesn't mean that it's okay to undermine Fred, Charles and Derek's talents within your art department. You usually put one of the three in charge of anything transportation related."

 

"I only did that after you reworked the Liberty Air Campaign. It was your artwork that initially won them over from Vanguard."

 

"But they were with you when Vanguard was Ryder. They would have come to you eventually."

 

"Perhaps," he conceded. "But you made them come over sooner than expected."

 

"I suppose Marcus Hughes isn't too happy about that decision now."

 

He laughed. "No I suppose he isn't once he realized that there was still no way I was going to fuck him but either way business is up so he shouldn't have any complaints." He took a sip of his latte before asking, "So how about it, Sunshine?"

 

"Alright Brian. I'll do it but I want something else in addition to my fee."

 

"What's that?" I could tell his interest was piqued. I had never asked for anything additional when he referred clients to me.

 

"Twenty percent of the profit from the new campaign."

 

"Ten percent," he countered smiling.

 

"Fifteen and not a penny less, Mr. Kinney."

 

He wrinkled his nose at me and then smiled brightly. "Deal. I'll have Ted fax the contract and have it ready for you to sign over dinner."

 

"Wait. Who said I was available for dinner?"

 

"Are you going to eat later?"

 

"Of course, Brian."

 

"Well then you are available for dinner. The question is where do you want to go?"

 

"I was just going to grab something from room service while I'm working."

 

"Sounds like a plan. Mind if I join you?"

 

"Why would you ask that, Brian? You know I don't mind sharing a meal with you. I was just teasing before."

 

"I know but something is bothering you, Justin. I know it just as much sure as I'm sitting here with you and breathing."

 

I looked at the table before looking back at him. "What gave me away?"

 

"You didn't attack me the minute you saw me." He smiled that slow sensuous smile at me. "This is the first time we've seen each other in over a year and here we are, about to go a meeting and we haven't fucked, touched or at the very least kissed. I know you're not nervous about the meeting. So what is it?"

 

"It's nothing, Brian."

 

"Uh-huh," he said while pulling at his tie a bit before swallowing another gulp of coffee. "Justin, how long have I known you?"

 

"Nine years but then you knew that when you asked a rhetorical question on purpose and expected an answer."

 

He folded his lips briefly, deliberately keeping his eyes shaded from me. I knew there was a bit of sarcastic humor even within his displeasure. When he looked up, he'd managed to conceal both behind a mask of indifference. No one could perfect or display an unconcerned look like Brian Kinney even though I knew differently as he spoke. "Yeah I do know that it's been nine fucking years. Yet you're sitting there acting as if I just met you yesterday."

 

I couldn't stop the deep sigh before it passed my lips. "Point well taken, Brian. It's just not something I want to talk about, okay?"

 

"Now was that so hard to admit aloud?"

 

"Yeah it kinda was, Brian. I don't like not being able to discuss things with you but until I have it all worked out in my head I would just rather not. Is that okay?"

 

"It's fine, twat. When you're ready you'll say what's on your mind. I know that. In the meantime, we'd better get to the meeting and after that, I plan on fucking your brains out."

 

I rose out of the seat as did he. He raised his hand to touch me. "Don't." At his questioning look, I said, "If you do, we'll never get to the meeting."

 

He nodded and seemed to be okay with the answer but it didn't stop him from pressing his lips against mine. The contact gave me that warm, fuzzy and weightless feeling I always got when kissing Brian Kinney. It was a welcome distraction from the anxiety I felt from his nearness and the fact that I knew he was itching to put his hands on me just as I was itching to do the same to him. But if I was going to have a panic attack from his touch, I would rather it not be in public in this foreign city. We both don't need that kind of drama. I broke the kiss and led the way toward the French doors of the restaurant.

 

I feel like I'm looking for my soul

 

Like a poor man looking for gold

 

There are thieves in the temple tonight***

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

A Disconnected Man-Child in the Pitts

 

Love you like no other

 

Love you rain or shine**

 

Michael hurried into Liberty Diner. He knew his mom was on break and was probably heading off to the bank to make her mortgage payment. He would see her later but he was really looking for Brian. Not spotting him but instead seeing Emmett and Ted, he made his way over to them.

 

"Hey guys, what's up?"

 

"Nothing big, Michael. You look exceptionally happy," Emmett said returning the huge smile.

 

"I need to find Brian. Ben just got a new offer to go to London for a lecture. It's not until early next year but we'll be there for about three months. One of the professors over there recommended Ben to fill in for her while she for her while she takes care of research for her own fellowship to take place in Prague next summer. He'll be teaching the Advanced Creative Writing course. Plus there's a new offer for publishing Rage. I have to call Justin and find out if he's going to do the illustrations for me again."

 

"That's great, Baby but why are looking for Brian?"

 

"I wanted to tell him personally. Besides I haven't been able to catch up to him for more than an hour since I've been back. That's freaking six months already and before you know it I'll be gone again. I went by the office and then by the loft. It was odd but my pass-code hasn't been working lately but whatever. I just miss all of us being together."

 

You could be the one thing that is on my mind

 

This could be our last chance**

 

Ted wiped his mouth."Michael the reason that you can't find Brian is that he isn't here."

 

"Well where is he?"

 

"Venice."

 

"As in Italy? What the fuck's he doing in Venice?"

 

"Working. We have a new contract there and they requested a meeting. It's been on the schedule for months." Ted's cell phone rang out at that moment. "The man of the hour. Hey boss, what's the word?"

 

Michael whispered, "Hey put him on speaker."

 

Ted was listening intently when Michael grabbed the cell phone from him and put the phone on speaker. "Hey Brian."

 

"Michael? What the hell? Where's Ted?" Brian's voice was measured. It was clear that he was annoyed but Michael didn't pay attention to it.

 

"Here, I'm putting you on speaker. Now it's almost like you're here with us. All that's missing now is the ‘Twink' who never went home but anyway I have news."

 

"Oh really, Mikey? What was so important that you had to interrupt me giving instructions to my accountant about a contract?" Brian's voice was coming through loud and just short of angry.

 

Emmett and Ted exchanged looks. They knew that tone didn't bode well. Michael also knew it but chose to disregard the warning in Brian's tone. As he was about to share his news for the second time, a familiar ring tone sounded in the background. There was only one person that any of them knew with the Star Wars theme song as a ring tone. Emmett and Ted watched as Michael's face fell when he heard Justin answer his cell phone while Brian was still on speaker.

 

"Justin's there? With you?" Michael asked trying unsuccessfully to mask the hysteria entering his voice.

 

"Yeah, he is," Brian answered nonchalantly. "He's also working the Maserati account which is what I needed to talk to you about... Ted." Brian said that last forcefully.

 

Ted snatched up the cell phone quickly, taking it off speaker and resuming the initial conversation as Michael sat there stunned and petulant.

 

As soon as Ted hung up, Michael started in right away. "What's that fucking kid doing there with Brian?"

 

Emmett chimed in before Ted could offer an explanation. "Why should it matter, Michael? You're about to go to London and Brian is working. My catering business has a gaggle of new clients and Ted has to get back to the office, right?"

 

"Yeah. Brian just gave me a bunch of instructions that have to be carried out now and since Venice is six hours ahead of us, it needs to be done within the next hour. I gotta go."

 

Ted slid out of the booth before Michael could say another word to prevent his leaving.

 

Debbie chose that moment to enter the diner. "Where's Ted rushing off to?"

 

Emmett answered. "His majesty called from across the Atlantic barking orders. Apparently it's something to do with new contracts. So like the good and faithful employee that he is, he had to get it done within the hour."

 

Debbie nodded. "How did Brian say it's going over there?"

 

"I imagine he's fine since that fucking Justin is there, too," Michael mumbled but both Debbie and Emmett heard him. "Ouch! Ma, what the hell was that for?"

 

"The same thing it usually is for, Michael. To knock some fucking sense into you."

 

"You knew Justin was in Italy and you didn't tell me?"

 

"Michael, you didn't know that Brian was over there until twenty minutes ago," Emmett cheerfully pointed out.

 

"That's not the point, Em and you know it."

 

"Well what exactly is the point, Michael?" Debbie asked. "Brian has a business to run as does Justin. You apparently need to run yours and then maybe you can stop focusing on connections that aren't your business."

 

"Brian is my business."

 

"No he isn't, Michael. Ben is your business and Red Cape Comics is and all that entails. Brian is a grown man perfectly capable of managing his own business as indicated by the success of Kinnetik. Where and in whom he sticks his dick is NOT your business if it's not you he's fucking. For the record, I just saw Jenn before coming in here and Brian hired Justin to help with his portion of the Maserati account. Mind you, Justin had already been hired by the company directly for a mural and had been in Italy for the past month. So before you go sticking your big mouth in business that has nothing to do with you, Michael, you might try getting all your facts straight first."

 

"Your mom's right, Michael. You really need to find a new hobby."

 

"Fuck you, Em."

 

"Not my job. Fucking you is Ben's business. See, it's pretty easy to know which job belongs to whom when you cut to the basics. Incidentally, you might want to cool it with your animosity toward Justin. It's bad for your business with Rage in case you've forgotten. He was the original illustrator on the comic and is not as easily replaced no matter how much you wish differently. There are artists a dime a dozen but NONE know Rage's face and form the way Justin Taylor does...not even you. Ta for now!" And with that thought Emmett left Michael standing outside of the diner to ponder over his words of wisdom.

 

Don't get left behind

 

Phone you at the weekend if I get the time

 

He's been leaving lovers

 

Don't get left behind

 

He'll feel bad tomorrow but that's another time

 

Let's do this together

 

I'm sure that it's fine

 

We'll feel bad tomorrow that's another time

 

And I'm feeling low now, yeah I've got no place to go

 

{words modified a bit to fit the storyline}

 

Disconnected Child**

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Kicking me in my heart

 

Tearing me all apart

 

‘Cause me and you could've been a work of art***

 

"Brian, I need a favor."

 

He turned to Justin then who had been reserved during dinner. Ordinarily, Justin would fill in the silence which Brian never really minded. He liked hearing Justin's thoughts although he would hide that fact often behind his trademark sardonic humor and an abundance of snarkiness. So the fact that Justin was less animated than he'd seen him in a very long time, was troubling at best.

 

"Ask away, Sunshine," Brian answered him.

 

"Before I do I only have one other request."

 

"Wow. Two whole favors. You're pushing your luck already."

 

"Can it, Asshole," Justin said laughing briefly but then he grew serious again. "I need you not to ask questions about why I need the favor."

 

"I told you that I would wait for you to talk to me about it and I will. When have I ever lied to you, Justin?"

 

"Never, Brian but this isn't about that. Which brings me to the actual favor I need from you. I need you to teach me to trust again."

 

"What do you mean?" At Justin's look, Brian understood why he extracted his promise not to ask questions. "Sorry. It's part the built-in JRS component within my brain. I've been trying to adjust the frequency since the night we met."

 

"JRS?"

 

"Yeah. Justin Reactionary System. It tends to go haywire when I know there's something wrong with you that I either can't fix or you won't let me fix."

 

Justin nodded. "It works sort of like my BKBD system."

 

"What the hell is that?"

 

"My Brian Kinney Bullshit Detector."

 

They both burst out laughing which helped relieve some of the tension between them. "Point well taken, Sunshine. Just tell me what you want me to do."

 

Justin stood slowly and undressed. Brian moved toward him but he held up a hand to stay his progress. He went to the closet where Brian's suits were hanging neatly free of the garment bag he always used when traveling. Holding out the two objects to Brian, he moved slowly, climbing onto the huge four-poster bed with the metal headboard. He laid directly center, silently waiting for Brian.

 

Baby don't you know I'm holding on the best that I can

 

Love please help me be a better man

 

Better than the thieves in the temple tonight***

 

Brian knew that Justin would never ask that of him unless there was something shaking him to his core. The last time they did this involved a pair of fur and silk lined handcuffs- one of the objects still at the loft back in Pittsburgh. It was just after he'd come to live with him after he recovered part of his memory from the bashing. The fact that Justin was asking him to do it again, shook Brian. They hadn't engaged in any BDSM activity for years. But if it was what Justin needed, for whatever reason, he would do it.

 

Brian stripped off his clothes and joined Justin on the bed. He felt the slight tremble which wracked Justin as he gripped one of his wrists to extend it upward before gripping the other. With Justin's hands secured Brian asked, "Do you remember your safe word?"

 

Justin nodded and whispered, "Hobbs. The one fucking word I would never utter during sex especially with you."

 

"If you get distressed at anytime, Justin, say it. Understand?"

 

"I won't."

 

"But if you do...just say it okay?"

 

"Yeah."

 

Brian took the second tie, securing it around Justin's eyes. He noticed the rapid rise and fall of the other man's chest and laid the palm of his hand flat against it. "Relax."

 

Justin nodded again and released a heavy sigh. Brian sat back on his haunches building the anticipation but also giving Justin the time he needed to calm himself. He didn't know what happened but he would bet that Justin's nightmares were back full-force. He began at his feet, massaging and kissing his feet. Not many knew it but Justin was a dancer- not just in the clubs but thanks to his country club upbringing he'd had Ballroom dance lessons. Brian lightly bit the high arch of each foot as well as the big toe before moving onto his ankles. He pulled them further apart, fitting himself neatly between Justin's spread legs. Again he felt the slight tremble Justin was trying his best to suppress. It wasn't one of passion but of fear. Many people thought Brian didn't have a heart and if he did it was ice cold. But the man laid out before him knew differently- had always known and believed differently. Justin had defended him many times over the years, had protected him and his integrity. Had erased and replaced many of Brian's own fears with the confidence being loved unconditionally brought.

 

With that thought in mind, Brian set out to replace every ounce of fear in Justin with love and lust. He kissed and nipped, licked and sucked Justin everywhere until the whimpers he heard were replaced with moans of pleasure and pleas for more. On his way to capture Justin's mouth, Brian engulfed Justin's cock in the hot cavity of his mouth. He was gratified hearing the air whoosh out of Justin as he sucked him slowly and steadily. He smiled around the thickness as his partner bucked and pulled at the headboard with his bound hands, pumping his pelvis to get closer to the heat of Brian's mouth. Brian massaged his balls with one hand but had decided to hold off finger fucking Justin for the interim. Instead he used his other hand to pinch, knead and twist Justin's nipples. The decadent way his partner moved in response was just downright pornographic to Brian's mind and it turned him on further. Releasing Justin's hard cock, Brian placed little sucking kisses and stinging nips along Justin's belly and chest, enjoying every shocked gasps and groan emitting from the blond sprawled beneath him. Laving Justin's thundering pulse, Brian took both of their cocks in his large hand and pushed them together as he rubbed against Justin's groin. A moan escaped both of them at the heated contact, pre-cum leaking from their heads and making a pool onto Justin's stomach. Brian swiped at it with his palm using it as lube to continue masturbating he and Justin. He kissed Justin softly and skillfully at first using every tongue trick he'd learned over the years to pull the moans from his partner. Kissed him as he felt the anguish drain to he replaced by desire.

 

"Better?" Brian whispered into Justin's open mouth while swiping his tongue gently and quickly into the lusciously parted lips.

 

"Yes," Justin moaned.

 

"Had enough?" Brian smiled already knowing the answer. He laid his body flush against Justin shifting slightly to make sure their erogenous zones remained in direct contact.

 

"Hell no."

 

"What do you want me to do next?" The question for all the sweet and quietly whispered words was a serious one.

 

"Make me forget," Justin said. Brian nodded even though Justin couldn't see him. It was the answer he'd been expecting. "Please Brian. I want you inside me."

 

"You're sure?"

 

"Yeah. Just take it easy. It's been awhile."

 

Brian smiled. They had variations of this conversation twice before. "Just like the first time?"

 

Justin smiled slightly and nodded.

 

Brian removed the blindfold but let the tie holding his hands in place. "I don't know what happened although I have my own theory but I want you to know who's fucking you." Brian raised Justin's legs over his shoulders, taking full advantage of Justin's flexibility. "I want to watch you as I slide home within you." Brian pumped some of the lube on his fingers. The liquid felt slick like silk on his fingers. He began massaging it around Justin's tight hole coaxing it to open. Justin began to shut his eyes. "Look at me," Brian commanded and Justin's eyes flew back to his. He watched as the impossibly blue eyes began to dilate with Justin's arousal. "Never hide from me, Justin. Never. You got it?"

 

"Yes."

 

Brian breached passed that first tight ring of muscle, relishing the sharp inhale of breath from Justin. "No matter what happens, Justin, this is always right. You and me. Just the two of us." He leaned forward to place a hard kiss on Justin's plush lips as he slid the condom down his dick. "Ready, Justin?"

 

Justin nodded unable to speak out of momentary nervousness but the impact of the lust he felt was greater. Brian entered slowly...or tried to. Justin's legs lock around his neck and constant pleas for more, sped up the process a bit more. Once Brian was fully lodged, he felt more than heard Justin exhale a sigh of relief. His legs loosened their grip but Brian kept his hold on them pushing them back further. The tied hands caught at the ankles giving their joining an even tighter and deeper angle. Both moans at the contact with Justin's prostate. Brian began a steady rhythm until Justin moaned and became the bossy bottom Brian knew and loved. Yeah, he loved him. When Justin told him to go harder, he did moving as deep within the upturned ass as he could. He moved faster until he felt Justin clamp down, then he slowed his movements. He was determined to make it last a little while longer. He moved so slow that Justin began moaning and begging and cursing by turns which caused Brian to laugh but increase his pace again. Within minutes Justin exploded with Brian shortly following. Brian untied Justin's wrists and was gratified when he went to gather Justin close that he didn't flinch or pull away.

 

"Better, Sunshine?"

 

Justin drew little circles on Brian's chest while nodding. "Thank you, Brian." And drifted off into a peaceful and healing sleep.

 

Kissing the top of his lover's head, Brian soon followed.

 

 

 

If you are that special lover

 

Love keeps you tied to another

 

Sometimes heartstrings can be broken

 

But you just got to keep on going

 

That's the way it goes on Love's Train

 

If these sorrows, you've been sulkin'

 

You've just got to keep on strugglin'

 

That's the way it goes on Love's Train

 

In time everything's gonna be alright*

 

 

 

 

 

*Love's Train (sung by Con Funk Shun)- Cooper, Michael/ Pilate II, Felton

 

**Disconnected Child (sung by Tin Star)- Tomlinson, David Kenneth/ Gordine, Tim/ Bricheno, Timothy John

 

*** Thieves in the Temple (sung by Prince) Prince Rogers Nelson

**Disconnected Child (sung by Tin Star)- Tomlinson, David Kenneth/ Gordine, Tim/ Bricheno, Timothy John

 

*** Thieves in the Temple (sung by Prince) Prince Rogers Nelson

 

 

Autumn is here inside my heart

When there's springtime in the air

Loneliness tearin' me apart

Being lost makes me scared

I keep on asking the Gods above

To send my love back to me

Oh please let these days and weeks

Pass by so quickly

 

Nobody suffers like I do

Nobody else, oh no

Nobody suffers like I do

Nobody else but you

 

You had to leave, I know

And we knew it would be tough

You said, "you would be back soon"

Soon is not soon enough

I keep on asking the Gods above

To send my love back to me

Oh please let these days and weeks

Pass by so quickly

Justin Journal Entry- March 9th 2010

Fact #1...I miss that stubborn son of a bitch who doesn't believe in birthdays. I turned 27 last week. And although I can't fault him for not being able to make my show (that was already established since he's in Prague until the 22nd), I can fault him for missing it entirely. I know...I know! Based on our schedules it is almost fucking impossible for us to meet every year. Hell, the time zones when calling alone is enough to make me crazy. When he's free, I'm busy and vice versa. But we knew this was going to happen. It' s what we've been preparing for all along. I know that we said we were going to carve out some time soon but damn it I miss him. My body misses him. I miss his touch and everything that it means. I have to hurry up. On the bright side, JT Designs is doing amazing and Henry alongside Myrna and Dawn have been working their asses off helping me to grow my business. Now only if my fucking partner can carve out some time to get into my ass, my world would look a whole lot better!

Fact #2: Some more of the weirder (is that even a word?) aspects of my dreams is becoming clear. I'm almost convinced it's a memory of some sort but again it's still a bit jumbled. Nicole said for me not to push myself too hard to make sense of it; that the pieces will fit when they fit and to stop driving myself bat-shit crazy. Gotta love a straight chick who uses that term along with a host of other terms that would even make the late Morton Downy Junior and comedians Robin Harris and Rudy Rae Moore blush. Yes, Nicole, I actually know who they are and find them hysterical (since you still insist on reading this damn blasted journal).

Fact #3: Rage is a success and after the last issue, I can almost bow out of working with Michael on any future projects. We have two more releases. I've made roughly seventeen thousand on them so far. I asked Ted to collect my twenty thousand off the top from all franchise related purchases so that I can officially be done with the comic. As always working with Michael has been a trial but I won't complain...much. When all is said and done, Rage did help JT make a lot of money. Once the last three-thousand of the revenue comes in, the rest belongs to Michael no matter how much it brings in. I even did the website and got him on as an Amazon Affiliate free of charge since I absorbed all the cost to set it up in the first place. I can now scratch my association with Michael Novotny off my list. If I wasn't on this plane heading to New York from San Francisco I might have even considered streaking down the street naked in my happiness.

Fact #4: I have to find a way to tell Daphne that I want to move again. I won't subject her to another move and whereas I love Roosevelt Island, I think I want to live in Dumbo which is in Brooklyn. It's closer to my business and outside of that, I think Lance (I finally managed to remember his name) is uncomfortable living with she AND I. Daph and I are just Daph and I. Granted whenever we're together unless something serious is going on, we act like teenagers. Strangely, Brian doesn't mind that but Lance does. And although he'll never say anything because it's OUR-mine and Daphne's- house, I still don't want to put her in a potential situation where she has to choose between me and the man who is making her happy (at least for now- for the record I don't think it will last. Daph is smart and ambitious. Lance is just too complacent for her liking...not wishing ill; just calling a spade a spade).

Fact #5 which is really a repeat of fact #1....I miss Brian but what can I do? Nothing that wouldn't mean sacrificing the career I've been building non-stop since I came to New York. Even though I'm in a position where the work will come to me no matter where I live, I still have a few things financially that I have to do for myself. Yeah the money issue is a big fucking factor. It doesn't matter to him. I know that. But it matters to me. It has been used like a club beat over my head even before the whole fucking Hobbs thing so I'll hold on just awhile longer. I know he understands and at the end of the day, that's all that really matters.

Through this waiting in vain

All this darkness and pain

I've been crying for you

Now I'm dying

When this test is at an end

I'll hope you understand

That you're all that I've got

Oh darling

Nobody suffers like I do

Nobody else but you

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Covert Modus Operandi- London- August 2011

I see the crystal raindrops fall

And the beauty of it all

Is when the sun comes shining through**

Arriving in London for the first time, Justin was nothing short of amazed. Oddly he felt right at home with the bustling activity of the airport- it was kind of hard to remain overwhelmed when living in New York past a month. As always when flying Liberty Air, Justin received the VIP treatment. Consequently, he was also stuck in the airport in the Business Class lounge waiting for the always fashionably late, Mr. Brian Kinney. He didn't mind though. He knew Brian had a meeting that morning which could not be missed and that he should be somewhere over the Atlantic that very moment on his way to London. The staff was even kind enough to grab his luggage from baggage claim keeping him from having to search for it later. So Justin pulled out his sketch pad and set to capturing the sights as only a dedicated artist could and would do.

To make those rainbows in my mind

When I think of you some time

And I want to spend some time with you**

 

It turned out that his wait was only a little over an hour before his favorite sight arrived stepping through the terminal in that way which was both urgent and relaxed at the same time. Watching Brian walk was an art in itself, like most things he did. For Justin, the man himself was an endless source of inspiration. It took every ounce of willpower in Justin not to stand up and run to him. Instead, he sat there until Brian finally spotted him. Justin couldn't stop the mega-watt smile from surfacing as he watched Brian blow off a male flight attendant eager to make his acquaintance nor could he stop the burst of pride when the same attendant realized what and who captivated Brian's attention so.

"Sunshine," Brian said as he embraced him.

For Justin's part he returned the gesture, burying his nose in Brian's neck and inhaling deeply. He missed that scent... a splash of cologne, starch from his perfectly pressed shirt and the scent that was uniquely Brian's. Justin gasped a second before as Brian's hand tangled in his hair and he mashed their lips together. No one would be able to get a quarter between the two tightly pressed bodies as they embraced and kissed not giving a good damn who glanced or gaped at their exchange. It had been a long time coming...too fucking long and they were determined to make the most of the first sight they laid on each other in over a year. Justin smiled again when Brian pulled back to look at him. He knew that the slightly dazed expression on Brian's face matched his own. It was always that way.

"Ready to get out of here," Justin whispered.

"More than, Sunshine. Fuck! I can't believe it."

"What?"

"We're actually on fucking vacation," Brian said.

Justin couldn't help but laugh. It really was amazing that both of their schedules were able to be cleared completely. But they deserved it.

Just the two of us, we can make it if we try

Just the two of us

Building castles in the sky

Just the two of us, you and I**

Justin was even more in awe of the city once they cleared the airport on the way to the hotel. Brian, who had been to London several times, enjoyed seeing it again through Justin's eyes. The historic buildings and streets which Justin had only read about were now real to him in a way he never thought to experience. Brian pointed out the Tower of London and Buckingham Palace. But what really fascinated Justin was the London Bridge and Big Ben- the former because of the nursery rhyme about the London Bridge falling down; the latter because it was literally larger than he'd ever imagined. The limo took the long way to 45 Park.

"Are we going to ride the London Eye while we're here."

"If you want to," Brian said.

"You're damn right I want to but are you going to be okay doing that?"

Brian chuckled. "If you're talking about the fact that I don't like heights where I'm not in control with the exception of a plane, I'll be fine. However, I do intend to be fully compensated for my trouble."

Justin moved closer to Brian, inching his hand dangerously close to Brian's already semi-hard cock. "Exactly what did you have in mind?" Justin's voice automatically dropped to that octave which never failed to arouse and excite Brian.

"You'd better not touch that, Sunshine or I won't be responsible for how you look entering the hotel."

"I don't give a shit if my clothes are disheveled."

"I wasn't talking about your clothes per say. I was thinking more of the lines of you not being able to walk straight or at all."

"Oh really?"

"You don't believe me? Touch my cock and find out how serious I am. I dare you."

Although it was mighty tempting, Justin settled (which really wasn't a bad bargain at all) for kissing Brian skillfully and thoroughly and was gratified by the moans escaping his partner. It had been so long for both of them, they didn't even realize when the car pulled in front of the hotel. The driver alighting from the car and closing the door firmly, brought them back to the here and now from the fantasy land their kiss ushered them into.

"Will you be needing the car again tonight, Mr. Kinney."

Brian looked to Justin. "Room service?" At Justin's nod, Brian turned to Stuart their driver and said that they would see him in the morning.

We look for love, no time for tears

Wasted waters all that is

And it don't make no flowers grow**

Walking into the hotel they were immediately greeted by the hotel manager.

"Brian, you finally made it," Alan James eagerly clasping Brian's hand.

"Yeah. I did. How's Margaret and the kids?"

"Good, good. This must be Justin." He turned an appreciative eye to Justin. "You were right when you described him as a masterpiece."

Justin looked at Brian directly then. "You said that? You actually said that?"

Brian simply shrugged. "I must have been drunk, Sunshine."

"No, he wasn't. He was as sober as he is right now. I thought he was exaggerating but he was clearly correct. It's a pleasure to meet you, Justin. My wife attended a show of yours a last year while visiting her sister in Los Angeles. I couldn't believe it when Brian seemed to know all of your work quite well."

"I remember that show quite well. It was the week of my birthday but I think Brian was in Prague. Right?"

Before Brian could answer, Alan did. "Yes, he was there with me and some colleagues of mine. Our usual promotions team for World Autism Month was unable to fulfill their contract and Brian came highly recommended but Gabriel Fiorza."

"The Maserati account?" Justin asked.

"The very same. He is one of our major benefactors for our foundation. My wife and I provide information to families who don't readily have a network of getting services for their loved ones with Autism. Brian was kind enough to donate his services and the campaign is still generating buzz throughout Europe."

"I was glad to do it, Alan," Brian said. "Hopefully someday they will find a direct cause for it."

Alan nodded. "That's what we're hoping."

"I've worked with some kids who are on the Autism Spectrum. I would like to donate ten thousand to the research being done over here. I'd like to match what I've done in the States already," Justin said.

"That's an amazing amount, Justin and we appreciate the gesture. But are you sure you can do that. Brian told me that you are relatively new out."

"We could make it a joint donation, Sunshine."

"No. For Brian's information and as a courtesy to you, Alan, I can well afford it. I'm comfortable and although I'm not completely where I want to be yet, I believe in Karma. It will come back to me." Reaching into his messenger bag, Justin searched around for his checkbook.

"What exactly is it that you think you are doing?" Brian asked Justin through gritted teeth.

"Ah- there it is," Justin said as he opened the to a blank check. Deliberately ignoring Brian's question, he asked Alan, "Who should I make this out to?"

Alan looked back and forth between the two men sensing the underlying tension. It was one thing for his wife and him to disagree but he couldn't imagine how much more difficult it was for the two males to get along in their relationship. But it was evident that they loved each other even if they didn't always see eye-to-eye. Alan gave Justin the information and gratefully accepted the check. Justin told him that he should look into the Doug Flutie Foundation over in the States and how it was run. Their ideas on creating campaigns and walk-a-thons has yielded much success in funding different types of research and also providing services for underprivileged families with Autistic children. Brian silently fumed during the exchange of which Justin was well aware and still ignored.

Good things might come to those who wait

But not to those who wait too late

We got to go for all we know**

On the elevator ride up to the Penthouse Suite, Brian finally broke his silence. "What the fuck, Justin?"

"Pardon me, Mr. Kinney. Now you want to speak to me? Or is it just that you would like to yell at me for not following the Great God Kinney's directives?"

"Justin don't even-"

"What? Make it sound like you still look at me as a child instead of a man? I'm a man only when it's time to fuck me, is that it?"

The elevator opened and Justin stepped into the marble-floored foyer where their bags were waiting for them. Grabbing his, he headed toward the bedroom and silently began unpacking for his two-week stay.

"Are we going to talk about this or are you going to keep giving me the silent treatment?" Brian also began to unpack his belongings.

"There's nothing to discuss, Brian."

"Isn't there though? You made some pretty unfair judgments in the elevator."

"Which were those? They seemed pretty fucking fair to me. You might as well made a ‘Poor Sunshine' case out of me like everyone else does. Out of everyone, I never expected that from you, Brian. Well make up your fucking mind. You can't father me and fuck me, too."

Brian shook his head at the foolery of the idea. "No one is trying to ‘father' you, Justin."

"No? Because from where I was standing that is exactly what you were trying to do. Do you honestly think I would have written that check if I couldn't afford to? What part of ‘mindless idiot' have I ever played especially when it came to money? For the record, business has been doing really well. I have six new contracts and all of my consignments were completed just after I set the date for vacation with you. I'm just waiting for the other payments to clear which if you must know- and I'm pretty sure you must- total twenty-five thousand which includes the fifteen percent of the profit from the Maserati campaign which comes directly from your share which still leaves you thirty percent. Those figures also do not include the dividends from my investment portfolio which and Ted and Daniel Quinn handle although I oversee it all. If you don't believe me, you have my permission to ask Ted which I'm sure you will do anyway since you love to micro-manage every fucking thing that touches your life. Happy, dear? Now you understand this, Brian... if I couldn't afford it, I would not be on vacation no matter how much I need the rest or how much I want to be with you. Business first, plain and simple. You taught me that and I've learned every fucking lesson well. Also, I'm having a warehouse space completely renovated so that I can stay in one fucking spot for awhile and see how our plan has worked where I could live anywhere and still have a flourishing career. So right now, I'm going to take a shower...alone. And you can order dinner- and before you ask, I don't give a hell what I eat as long as it's something I can pronounce."

Brian's first inclination was to repack all of his shit and get the next plane out of there. The one thing he didn't spend thousands of dollars to do was spend any portion of his vacation arguing with Justin. But as he replayed the entire episode over while waiting for room service to arrive, he wondered if Justin didn't have some valid points in the middle of all his anger. The truth was that Brian worried about Justin. Chronically. Never breathing a sigh of relief until their standing eleven o'clock phone appointments which included a run down of their day, any other concerns and amazing phone sex episodes. He would go to sleep and then begin the cycle all over the next day. He worried if he was eating enough or sleeping enough, if he had enough for his living expenses or to get from place to place. In addition to all that, he wondered if the time and separation was worth all sacrifices...if they weren't each giving too much or not enough. Not being able to see each other for a year, sometimes two years at a time was certainly weighing on him. Did Justin feel the same weight? Brian would love to believe that he did and that it was the reason he was in such a pissy mood but that wasn't the complete truth of it. Brian had pissed him off with his over-protective tendencies and over-whelming need to take care of Justin. Fucking lesbianics in an alpha male did not go well. It was always magnified because he was so used to having to fix someone else's shit. Debbie ran behind on the mortgage? Write a fucking check. Gus need new cleats? Take a trip up to Toronto and take him shopping and while you're at it make sure to spend equal time with Jenny so she doesn't feel slighted because Michael hasn't bothered to make his yearly visit yet. Instead he's off with Ben so yeah, take up the slack for his shortcomings. Lindsey have to cut back on her hours? Again write a check. And the cycle goes on and on but what happens when the one person who should need him and depend on him, doesn't? Justin was determined to do everything on his own. He'd long since paid back the loan for PIFA and although Brian hadn't wanted to take it, he knew it meant a lot to Justin for him to do so. He even insisted on paying Brian a client-referral fee when he sent business his way. The fucked up thing was Brian operated the same way in every aspect of his life. He'd worked his ass off so that he would never need anyone. So what made it so different when Justin was doing the same exact thing? That was a question that it would take Brian the rest of his natural life to figure out.

He was just about to knock on the bathroom door when Justin opened it.

"Dinner is here."

"I'm not hungry."

Justin went to stand on the wrap around balcony which gave a panoramic view of the London skyline. He wouldn't look at him which caused a pang in Brian's chest. No matter how many times they argued, he would never not look at him before, during or after.

"I owe you an apology, Justin."

"Brian-"

"No, let me finish." Brian took a deep breath. "I was an asshole. I know that but not because I look at you like a kid. I haven't looked at you as a kid for as long as I can remember- quite possibly never. But I won't lie to you and say that everything is peachy keen and fine and all that shit. I miss you when you're not around. Maybe that's why I get a bit more forceful when you are."

"So what are you saying, Brian?"

He thought a moment. It was too late not to admit what was bothering him. He always told Justin that he could be honest with him no matter what it was. He owed Justin at least some variation of the truth without feeling completely exposed. He wasn't ready for that yet. "I'm saying that I wish I knew what else you felt you need to do so that I could help make it happen quickly; so that you could feel like it was time to come home."

I hear the crystal raindrops fall

On the window down the hall

And it becomes the morning dew**

Justin nodded. He knew that it was as close of an admission that Brian was in the same state of weariness as he was. But Justin still had more to accomplish before he could just rest easy in the knowledge that it would never ever come down to a problem of money between them. For every penny he'd ever earned he still heard Michael's whiny annoying voice detailing all that Brian had done for him financially. It pissed Justin off that Michael could get to him that way but it was a fact of his life. It was what fueled his ambition to prove Michael and the rest of the people who ever thought or said such sentiments to his face or behind his back wrong and for it never to cast a shadow on what he and Brian really meant to each other.

"It's hard to explain, Brian."

"Try." When Justin lifted an eyebrow, Brian added, "Please."

"This isn't just about the money although it's a big part of it. Do you know why people have said that I stuck with you even through all the tricking and hard living you've done?"

"What the fuck should you care what people say or what they think?"

"Ordinarily, I would agree with you but the comments weren't direct to you or about you so it's different."

"Fair enough. So what was said?"

"That if you went broke tomorrow, I would drop you faster than a hooker changes johns."

"But we both know that isn't true, Justin. You remember the whole Stockwell episode as well as I do."

"True, I do remember it but others tend to forget that we were together then. Even those who should know better and who know us both individually and as a couple- well as much of a couple as we can be within the context of a non-relationship." Brian smiled briefly as did Justin. They knew they were a couple even if Brian had trouble uttering the actual word. "So you see Brian, I have something to prove not just to them but to myself as well."

"The only thing that matters in all of this, Justin, is what we want."

"I know that but do you really understand why I blew up at you a little while ago? I understand your need to take care of me and where it stems from but now you have to understand my need to take care of myself. And that's what I have to prove- that I can. I know that you'll always be here in some capacity for me. Allow me to build myself up the same way so that should the day ever come when you can't take care of yourself for whatever reason or even if you don't want to, you'll have a partner who can do it for you. One who can fight for you just as you have always fought for me."

Darling, when the morning comes

And I see the morning sun

I want to be the one with you**

Dinner forgotten, Brian set out to show Justin what his request really meant to him in their language- the unspoken words becoming motion and emotion where neither could hide away or put up walls to shield themselves from the other. Brian didn't hurry in his exploration of Justin's body, treating him as if discovering uncharted territory. There wasn't any reason to rush the inevitable culmination, their sole focus was each other and nurturing what they had built...determined to make it stronger so that neither had to wonder where they stood. It was peaceful instead of the usual turbulence; quiet assurance instead of vocal demands. Give and take- a mutual sharing and pairing of all they felt for each other but would not dare say. Nothing else mattered in those moments as sleep and contentment washed over them while summer rain fell quietly and steadily over London. When they woke the next morning, the rain was still coming down in sheets so Brian and Justin decided to make the most of room service and vowed to enjoy each precious stolen moment they had while they could.

Just the two of us, we can make it if we try

Just the two of us, just the two of us

Building big castles way on high

Just the two of us, you and I**

 

 

 

 

 

 

*Suffering (sung by Jay Jay Johansson)- Jansson, Erik Nils/ Johansson, Jay Jay

** Just the Two of Us (sung by Bill Withers)- Withers, Bill/ MacDonald, Ralph/ Salter, William

 

 

 

Keep on moving

Don't stop like the hands of time

Click, clock find your own way to stay

The time will come one day

Why do people choose to live their lives this way?*

 

Monogamy Blues- May 2012 (Memorial Day Weekend)

 

I must have been fucking crazy, drunk, high or all three to think this up. It's been nine months- nine fucking or should I say fuck-less months- since I've had my dick in anyone including the one I want riding my cock for all he's worth. After London, I retied to resume the life I've been accustomed to for as long as I could remember. My first time at Babylon was as a gift for myself on the occasion of my eighteenth birthday. I waited until prom night to go with Mikey. We ditched our dates, danced with our shirts off and I got my first official blow job inside the club as opposed to the alley behind it. Ahh...good times! But since my return from vacation and one of the most memorable times of my life, everything else pales in comparison to having Justin. I can now add getting my first blow job in broad daylight while riding the London Eye to my list of first. There is nothing like being up there overlooking an entire city while having your dick sucked expertly and methodically by Justin Taylor. I would have fucked him up there but we were already moving downward and when I came for the second time, I wanted it to be at our own leisure.

 

After the first night in London, Justin and I reached an understanding. I would accept that he knows what he's doing and he would come to me when and if he needed advice. We discovered that it was the only way we would avoid financial-based arguments in the future. We visited some of the more famous galleries in the city in which Justin was extremely excited to do. As a reward for me being a good boy in letting him do so without argument, he let me update his wardrobe. He absolutely hated it but the truth is that hobo chic does not fit every occasion. He accepted it with as much good grace as he could muster, which wasn't much but in the end I got my way so we were even. We took a three-day tour of the countryside which I wasn't thrilled with at first but I have to admit that I liked it and even got some ideas for the property surrounding Britin. Some nights I would find him up sketching everything he'd seen that day from memory. I don't think I'd ever felt so relaxed as I did watching him engage in the thing I had seen him do so many times over the years and often took for granted. The trip was worth every penny and much, much more because I got a real glimpse of the man Justin had become independent of me. He wasn't an extension of me the way everyone- including me sometimes- seemed to think but an enhancement.

 

But now I am back to missing him for so many reasons, sex being one of the key reasons. I always used to think I was incapable of craving one person, of committing to one person. I have now proved myself a liar which is disheartening to an extent. It's not that I've lied to myself per say but it's evident that either I didn't know myself very well in this regard or that I'm discovering an inclination I never bothered to explore further than the next fuck. The latter is probably more than a little true since I've never met someone who could keep me enthralled for more time than it takes me to get off two or three times. But then in all fairness to the nameless, faceless and countless men who have blown and ridden my dick, I didn't exactly inspire conversation unless it was moans, groans and asking to be fucked harder, faster and deeper. In any event, Justin was the only one I seemed to have craved more from although it took awhile for me to acknowledge it. I'm not in the least bit sorry it was him though. I'll even go so far to admit that he was right, even if it is only to myself.

 

"Brian, you have a minute?"

"What is it, Theodore?"

"I know you wanted information on changes to Mel and Lindsey's financial situation and I thought this would be of interest."

"What is all this?"

"The newest request for an additional mortgage. Melanie just faxed it to me. The problem is that with the money you replaced in her account from her trust fund she used so that Lindz could stay home with Gus for that year, there should be much more of that nest egg left so they wouldn't need a second mortgage."

"Has Gus' college fund been touched as of yet?"

"No. That's still in tact which is why I gather they opted to take out another mortgage so that it would stay that way."

"I'm due to go up there in September for Gus' birthday. For now, add my name as a secret benefactor to the request. Under no circumstances are they to know. I don't need any shit about it but I can't see them homeless and I know with Lindsey working part-time and Mel working full-time as a paralegal until she's able to take the board, they would be denied faster than men drop to their knees at Babylon."

"I'll do it, Brian and make it clear to Harvey Finklestein that they are not to be told even under penalty of death. But honestly, I don't think they'll question it much if the end result works in their favor."

"I'm inclined to agree with you but you know Mel. If she smells me anywhere near their business, she becomes a raving pit bull. Either way it has to be done to protect Gus and Jenny Rebecca. I definitely would like to know what the fuck their doing though to even require a second mortgage in the first place."

"I know that part of the reason is Mel's school tuition has gone up and she's also taking a set of summer classes so that she can graduate sooner. That's something, I guess."

"Yeah- something."

"There is another little tidbit I think you'll be interested in."

"Regarding Mel and Lindz?"

"No regarding Justin."

"Well what the fuck is the problem?"

"There isn't one, Brian. In fact, I think you'd be amazed at how well he's really doing even outside of three very hefty donations- two to Autism research and one AIDS research."

"Will you get on with it, then."

"His work on Rage has caught the attention of Federated Department Stores, Inc. and they just signed a pretty hefty contract for continuing use of his copyrighted work. Also he will receive twenty percent of their annual profit without having to invest his own money. He had it built into the contract."

"Wait a minute...Federated Department Stores? Don't they own a series of retail chains?"

"You bet your ass they do. Macy's and JC Penny's just to name a few. It turns out that the head of their advertising department is a big fan of the comic and approached your boy with an offer he would have been a fool to refuse and I advised him as such."

"That in addition to the Rage profits should put him in a good position financially."

"Not exactly, Brian."

"What the hell do you mean? That comic is a hot item. Volume one alone is considered a collectors item already. Volumes two and three are selling out faster than they can be printed."

"All that is true but after the first quarter of the profits were collected, Justin requested that the rest of the profits be sent directly to Michael."

"WHAT?!"

"Yeah. I tried to talk him out of it but he said that since he was unable and unwilling to do the legwork required for promotion of the comic, Michael who is willing and able to do the Cons for it should be compensated for his time and effort. That also includes the Amazon and Ebay accounts. He made Michael a sole proprietor for the franchise including action figures and the sole distributor. If people want Rage, which they do, the only way to get it other than trading their copy on Ebay is to contact Michael through the store website or his Amazon affiliate page."

I nodded. Justin had really set Michael up royally. "Out of curiosity, Ted, how much has it made since Justin pulled out of the deal?"

"This year?"

I nodded.

"Based on first quarter profits, over twenty-three thousand dollars and that includes the re-release of the first five episodes which make up volume one. Since they're considered a collector's item, Michael decided to sell them as a full set for thirty dollars. Initially he only stocked one hundred of them. All of them sold out within three days of the release so he had more made up and decided to keep the immediate sale going until March when first quarter would end. He's considering doing it again beginning Black Friday through Christmas Eve."

"Who knew an idea formed over Beam and Ecstasy would yield all of this?"

Why the hell is Ted looking so apprehensive all of a sudden? "Brian, have you read the last nine issues of the comic?"

"No. I haven't had the time. Why and since when do you?"

"Blake is a huge fan of the comic so I have by default. He's completely invested in it but that's neither here nor there. I think you should read them though and start from the very first volume and issue, Brian and go straight through. You might find it....interesting."

"Ted, what they fuck are you talking about?"

"Just read it, Brian. You may or may not be sorry. In fact there's a new issue that came out today which completes volume three. So really you have ten issues."

At the look on his face, I couldn't very well refuse. Well I could but the truth is I don't want to. Besides I need something else to focus on this weekend. Memorial Day weekend always reminds me of how close I came to losing Justin twelve years ago. So since I can't fuck myself into oblivion, I can at least smoke weed, make nice with Mr. Beam and Mr. Walker for company and read the goddamn comics. Sounds like one helluva fucking- or should I say fuck-less weekend...definitely one for the record books. "Fine. If there's nothing else, I'll just run by the store and pick them up then head home. Something tells me I may need to stop by Liberty Liquors, too. I think I'm out at home. I raised my eyebrow at him for confirmation.

He nodded. "Yeah. Ordinarily I wouldn't encourage the libation and the intended over saturation you're known for but you may need it and since you don't have any appointments until Wednesday, feel free to indulge all you'd like."

"Well that sounds ominous." Ted shrugged at me which should have sent me running and screaming for the nearest exit but since he was given to hysterics at any given time it didn't. "I guess I'd better get going, then."

"Have a good weekend, Bri."

"By the way, what are you up to this weekend? You've been unusually and disgustingly chipper this week. Barbecue at Chez Schmidt?"

Ted smiled as he answered. That should have been my first indication that I would feel strangely envious. Brian Kinney does NOT do envy of Theodore Schmidt. "Blake and I are headed off to Irondequoit Bay. We rented a small cottage and although teeming with people, it's a real feel good atmosphere. It's part of the Rochester suburbs and across the bay from Toronto."

I wish it was me but I'm also happy for Ted. He has a thriving and exciting career- for him at any rate- and he has Blake, who without being a tweaked out Crystal Queen is actually a pretty descent guy. "An idyllic booty call in Western New York. Sounds good. Enjoy yourself and get laid."

"That's the plan, Bri." And with that, he left the office. Cynthia was already gone as was the rest of the staff. I was alone.

 

Locking down the computer and turning off the office lights, I started not to answer my cell phone but for some reason I couldn't resist the urge. So I did.

 

"Hey, Old man."

I know there's an exceptionally wide shit-eating grin on my face but I decided to play it cool. "Hey, Sunshine. How are you?"

"I'm okay. I decided at the last minute to get away for the weekend and wanted to see if you wanted to join me."

"Oh? I was just about to go home. Where were you thinking of going?"

"I'm actually en route to my destination. I have about two more hours of driving before I get there."

What the hell? What is he up to this time? I couldn't help the small chuckle that escaped me. "Well you sure didn't waste any time getting out of Dumbo."

"Nope. I needed a break and this seemed like the perfect opportunity to take one. Daphne and Lance broke up so she didn't want to keep the reservation although I urged her to. She's on her way to Virginia Beach with some friends of hers so she offered the reservation to me and I took it."

"Very good, Sunshine but that still doesn't explain where you're on your way to."

"Oh. Well once I get back on the road, I'll be just shy of two hours from the Canadian side of Niagara Falls. So are you in the mood to take the three hour drive from the Pitts and join me in the two story penthouse suite at the Sheraton?"

Pretending nonchalance was difficult especially since I was already lamenting the trials of monogamy and enduring the immediate excitement of hearing him on the phone but again, I managed to keep it cool. "Sure. Sounds good. I'll see you in about four hours since it's an impromptu trip and haven't packed a thing."

"Well if you need clothes perhaps you shouldn't come. Besides it would take you about four hours to pick out outfits for the next four days. I may get bored and go hunting."

I could hear the smile in his voice and I felt an answering one on my lips when I asked, "Just what kind of hunting were you thinking of doing- the two legged or four-legged variety?"

"Definitely two-legs- or should we say the type with three legs. Although I would rather bet on a sure thing. Skype has been great for us but there's nothing like feeling your weight on me while I'm cumming."

That did it. "I'm going home to change clothes and grab an extra box of condoms and lube. If I'm forbidden to wear clothes for the next few days, you'd better make it worth my while."

"And when have I ever disappointed, Mr. Kinney? Remember I learned how to fuck you within an inch of your life directly under and over the Master. I'd say judging from that hard-on I know you have, I was more than an adequate student."

I couldn't help rubbing at it slightly. "Point well taken, Grasshopper."

"I know. Are you leaving the office now?"

"You bet that bubble ass of yours I am."

"Good. Don't cum yet, Brian. That first orgasm and all the others over the weekend belong solely to me."

He didn't know how true that statement really was. "Get going, Sunshine. See you in a few hours. Later."

"Later, Brian." And he was gone.

 

Nothing wrong with getting my needs met....even if I have to travel three-hours and twenty-one minutes to do so. At least I know I'll be satisfied in the end.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

I hide myself from no one

I know the time will surely come

When you'll be in my life, my life always

Yellow is the color of sunrays*

 

Buckwild in Brooklyn- May 2012

 

It has been a fucked up couple of months. Business has been great but my personal life....hmm that has left a lot to be desired. The fact that it's THAT weekend doesn't help matters.

London was great. Brian and I talked a lot. We also fucked a lot but we talked more. I won't lie and say that waking up to an empty hotel room was pleasant even after the fulfilling two-weeks of our "fuckacation." It wasn't. In fact,it gets harder every time we have to say ‘good-bye for now.' The trip home- or my temporary home anyway- was uneventful but also hurtful. I know I brought this whole separation on myself no matter the reasons behind it. I get that but it's still so fucking hard to do this alone. Yes, he's behind every decision I make but it's nothing like coming home to him after the victories of the day or my failure to commit what I want to canvas. Instead we have Skype which is great for masturbation since he can see me and I can see him but I miss touching him. It's not the same saying ‘later' and placing your hand to the screen as he does the same. I know that in the long run we'll find our way back to each other but I have to wonder if I should let him go for now. It's not fair to either of us. Maybe he'll have a chance to meet someone else if I step back and vice versa. The main problem is that I don't want to and with Brian Kinney there will always be somebody else. And that's fine because I'm still ‘it' for him be it next year or the next fifty years. It's what I've come to know and expect . Besides it would be unfair of me to ask that of him when I'm fucking almost everything that isn't nailed down in NYC and Long Island. My ass is his only but I have a developed the proverbial itch that needs scratching every day and the only thing that cures it is a tight ass to pound until I can forget the loneliness until it's over. Then it returns, magnified a hundred times along with the heartache and everything it means. We hadn't even set a date for the next fuckfest because of our schedules through to November.

 

I haven't mentioned to Brian that I'll be in Toronto around Gus' birthday. I didn't want to upset him because I know that week he's scheduled to be in Hawaii for a meeting with the Outrigger hotels. If he gets that account, it would push Brian to just shy of billionaire status and although I know he would rather be with Gus on his birthday, getting that account along with the Maserati account he already has will push Kinnetik into another realm of advertising altogether. I know that he is also planning a very special surprise for Gus during the three weeks he'll be with him in August. Mel and Lindz will undoubtedly give him shit about it; they always have something negative to say- especially Melanie. The trip of it is that Brian has been more than fair or generous where they are concerned. Melanie wouldn't be able to afford the manner of living she has grown accustomed to nor does she have to make a choice between her career and her home because of the child support Brian sends. The amount lets them basically pocket almost everything they make while the payment takes care of the living expenses for all four of them. Yeah, he also pitches in to cover Michael's lack with his daughter. Lindz may not say much but it's what she doesn't say that puts her in total agreement with the bitching Melanie does. I don't like or condone it but every time I get ready to respond on his behalf, he stops me with a look or telling me to forget about it. So I honor his wishes but not without him knowing that I'm fuming by his unwillingness to defend himself against that harridan.

 

Anyway, I really did need to get out of the city for awhile. My new place is almost ready but since Daph and Lance broke up, I've been spending the night at her place instead of my studio. I knew it wouldn't last but it still makes me sad for her to know I was right. Lance began to complain about the hours she spent in residency at Weill Medical Center. I mean- what exactly did he expect? He wanted her to make a choice between him and the career she's dreamed about since we were eight and a classmate of ours died along with her parents in a car crash. Being a trauma surgeon is a large part of who Daphne is. Unfortunately for him, he came from a family where the women stayed home and the men provided. Yes, the dreaded ‘Barefoot and Pregnant' syndrome. It was stupid as hell for him to even suggest that she do it to keep his ignorant ass; that she would give up all those long hard hours of studying to soothe his Tarzan/Jane ego trip. What a delusional man and wasted specimen. In response to his demand, she told him that his mother should have sucked his dad's dick and swallowed him instead of allowing herself to be implanted with a male chauvinist and she kicked him out. I wouldn't have believed her if she had told me she said it but I heard that argument with my own ears and was hard-pressed not to burst into tears from laughter and ultimately relief. Lance was just all wrong for the Daphne Chanders I've known since kindergarten. A cool chick but a vicious one when she's crossed and Lance and his antiquated ideas and ideals definitely crossed the wrong female. The ironic part was that she planned this entire trip for him and her to spend some quality time together and his big mouth blew it. She tried to cancel the room but because it's Memorial Day weekend, they would have charged her the full fee anyway. So since she decided a ‘girls' weekend' was in order, she headed out this morning on the way to Virginia Beach while I rented a car and opted to drive to the Canadian side of Niagara Falls instead of flying. Of course I already paid her back for it when she called to change the name on reservation. Henry has me booked solid for the next six months so if there was ever a time to get away, this was certainly it.

 

In addition to the shows and appearances, there's the ‘in and out' lecture I'm scheduled to give at PIFA of all places before I catch a plane to Los Angeles for a business meeting for JT Designs later that evening. Henry knows a professor there and when he found out that Henry represented me, he requested that I come in and give the seniors a crash course in what it's like to make it as an artist under my own steam. I wonder if the guy even knows why I didn't graduate from their institution. I suppose it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things and it certainly hasn't put a damper on my career at all, thank God for that. That type of notoriety could make or break a career. Fortunately, although people know the history- or what they perceive to be the history- of the situation, it hasn't come up that much except in interviews where Henry took care of the inappropriate questions for me. For the amount of money I pay him, he could well afford the trial of dealing with it. Once I get back, I have four paintings to finish before the Toronto show and with the new Federated Department Stores account with a July 1st turnaround, it's a wonder when I'll have time to sleep- not that I do much of that on any given day. The bright side is that I don't plan on doing much of that for the next four days either. My plan is pretty simple...wake-up, eat, sleep, shower, sketch, fuck and watch the fireworks over the falls while creating some fireworks of my own with Brian. That's it. There's nothing else I would rather do than just that. If I could have, I would have even left my damn cell phone at home but it is a necessary evil although there shouldn't be anyone calling about business. The only person I would want to speak with anyway is on his way to meet me.

 

I put in a quick call to Daphne upon arriving at the hotel to let her know things went smoothly with check-in and to let her know that Brian was on his way up. She and the girls already sounded three sheets to the wind. Thank fuck they decided to rent a stretch Lincoln SUV to make the near eight-hour trip since there would be fifteen hormonal women celebrating graduation from law and medical schools. There was definitely going to be some serious drinking and fucking happening this weekend- be it with strangers or amongst themselves. Daphne's closest female friend, Alyssa, had brought three of her lesbian friends with her, one of which has always wanted Daph. I wonder if the chase will yield results since I've always known Daph to be straight and the ultimate fag hag. Either way, it will certainly be a weekend she'll either want to remember or want to forget.

 

The two-story penthouse was everything I imagined it when she told me about it. Spacious and luxuriously furnished, it was located on the corner end of the hotel away from the general hustle and bustle. There was no reason to expect a person knocking on the wrong door. In fact if I didn't know it was adjoined to the hotel, I would have sworn we were in a private villa. It was secluded and quiet- something I need in my life just now. The view from the balcony is amazing. It almost feels close enough to reach out and touch the top of the falls and regardless of the noise of the roaring water, I still find it peaceful and humbling....Majestic. Leaning over the railing, I didn't hear the door when it opened but I knew the arms which enfolded me from behind. Knew the point of the chin which pushed my hair to the side and found the small nook which separated my neck from my shoulders. Felt the tell-tale quickening within my body that always present when I was in close proximity to Brian Kinney- the awareness that I could never deny and that was uniquely ours. The air surrounding us always feels charged with anticipation and expectation; alive with its own urgency.

 

10- Kiss me on the lips.**

As peaceful as staring at the sunset over Falls is, I can't stop myself from tasting the lips which haunted my dreams and always made me hard thinking about them. My mouth found his soft and inviting one, tempting it at first with a slight peck. The prickly yet sexy stubble was just coming in on his otherwise smooth jaw. I couldn't help rubbing my cheek against it before delving in more fully for a taste of him. He let me lead him, silently acquiescing when my tongue demanded entry. God, he tasted so good. Like fresh air and freedom...and a large French vanilla latte with a hint of a full-flavored cigarette.

"You have on too many clothes," he spoke in between kisses.

"So do you," I responded while beginning to unbutton the black shirt he was wearing.

9. Run your fingers through my hair.**

The air was cool but he felt hot to the touch. I always joked that he was a human furnace, his body heat scorching me just by his nearness. I stood there as he continued to divest me of all my clothes and then the rest of his own. Wrapping my hair around his large fist, he pulled me back to him. But he didn't kiss me immediately. Instead, he made his body collide with mine, knocking the breath from me while eliciting a sharp gasp at the full-bodied contact. My nipples hardened to sharp points as he rubbed himself against me; our cocks greeting each other in eagerness.

8. Touch me...slowly**

Although he was forceful and commanding, he didn't rush. He took his sweet time arousing me to within an inch of sense. The more I tried to speed to the main event, the slower and more sensual his assault became. Still using my hair to restrict my movements, Brian gave me a tongue bath all the while still standing outside on the balcony. Although I didn't mind fucking in public, I was even more glad that our room was secluded because of the sounds he was pulling from me at every fucking turn. He attacked my neck, licking and sucking and saying the dirtiest things I've ever heard him speak. I could have come right there even before he kissed and sucked my nipples which actually did make me shoot. He laughed when I lamented that he'd reverted me back to a fuck-less teenager. He just said, "Wait. You'll shoot again," and started all over again.

7. Hold it- let's go straight to number one**

6. Lips**

The sight of six-foot-two Brian Kinney standing tall and fully clothed is fantastic. But the sight of his long, lean frame kneeling before me with my dick in his mouth is fucking spectacular. His eyes stay connected with mine as he licks and sucks me at the same time; one hand rolling my balls while the other finger-fucking the nipple I used to wear my earring in. Oh my.... I want to cum again but he's edging me and enjoying my fucking torment at his hands and talented mouth. He backed off long enough to reach inside the pocket of his discarded pants for the ever-present lube and requisite condom before he resumed making me pant and beg for release. He must have felt me wobble because he moved to drape me over the railing of the balcony before bending to rim me and jerking me off until my orgasm was bearing down once again. He'd taught me how to stave it off long ago but when this close it was agony to do so. And the sadistic motherfucker knew that when he demanded that I stop it otherwise he would withhold what I really craved which was his nine-in-a-half-cut shoved deep in me.

5. Fingers**

4. Play**

As if his tongue wasn't enough to send me to Sexaholic Anonymous, his fucking fingers should make me run screaming for the nearest meeting. I feel drunk with the constant sensation battering me from the inside out. Yet I can't get enough. The yelp he drew from me when he applied that firm hand to my ass while burying his fingers inside me in preparation, has me pushing back more firmly.

"Goddammit, Brian...please!"

"C'mon, you can hold out a little while longer." He punctuated every syllable with a jab to my sweet spot. I could help but cry out with every single strike of it.

"Fuck. Me. Already. Please!"

"God. You're such a butt-slut," he said laughing low in my ear.

"If I am, it's your own fault."

"I'll take full credit as long as I'm the only one."

"Yes."

"Ready, Sunshine?" Finally, I heard the fucking foil being torn and felt the condom being placed on the hard dick behind me.

"More tha- Ugh!" I couldn't say anymore as he rammed home.

3. To number one**

I always marveled at Brian's ability to thread the maximum amount of pleasure with the smallest amount of pain to keep me on the cusp of losing my mind. Today was no exception. The familiar sting of his entry coupled with a forceful snap of his hips had me feeling euphoric and desperate upon his withdrawal, only for him to penetrate me again more fully. That level of skill alone would never allow me to bottom for anyone else regardless of if I loved them or not. It was something that couldn't be taught and something that would always keep me enthralled. The feel of his nails digging into my back while the other hand grips my shoulder has me about ready to pass out from the pleasure but he is nowhere near done with me... and I couldn't be more happy that he isn't. I feel the hand which scratched me shift upward just before Brian grips my hair and pounds my ass harder than I could ever remember him doing. Fuck! He's hungrier than I ever remember him being before and his mouth more vocal and dirtier than it's ever been. Such a fucking turn-on in every sense of the word.

"That's right, Sunshine," he crooned in my ear. "Move your ass faster. Take me deeper."

What the fuck??? Any deeper and he'll be in my throat but I'll be damned if I didn't do what he said. I couldn't NOT do it as he adjusted my neck so he could tongue-fuck my mouth in the same manner he fucked me- hard, unyielding and demanding- brooking no hesitation or disobedience in any form or fashion. He showed no mercy and I didn't ask for any. It seemed that every time we've been separated and come back together, everything is more intense. From the conversations and disagreements right down to our most basic and primal need to fuck and be fucked, everything is more vivid and addictive. And no amount of the men we fuck outside of each other can change that.

Taking full advantage of my natural flexibility, I placed my leg over the rail and heard him gasp through the kiss. I knew I tightened around him and held his dick right where I wanted it most. The tables had turned and I was topping from the bottom, fucking him into near delirium where he held me imprisoned while he overloaded me with sensation. Clenching and releasing at will, I made Brian beg for release and then denied him. All my sexually sadistic tendencies came rushing forth; treated his dick like a thrall collar, controlling where he moved in me and how deep. I held him by his hair, brought his cheek flush against mine, enjoying the scratch of his stubble with every movement. Every sensation heightened immediately with the full body contact. I felt his heat and sweat at my back; felt baptized in all Brian was, is and will be to me. His nails raked down my chest until at last his hand firmly grasped my dick. I wasn't ready for it to end but it did all too soon.

"I'm....cumming," he gasped out sounding shocked and relieved at the same time.

The orgasm I'd been denied barreled down at his admission. My tribute bathed his hand as his was caught in the condom. He licked his fingers clean and then kissed me deeply sharing my taste with me. It was then that I wobbled a bit and fell against him. He caught and held me his eyes never leaving mine. I knew what he wanted to say but wouldn't allow it.

I know, Brian," I said simply and for right now, it was enough.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

The blaring sound of the Star Wars theme music woke both of them up out of a sound and satisfying sleep. After a leisurely soak in the Jacuzzi within the suite, exhaustion claimed both of them which they were all too happy to succumb to. Justin was still sore but couldn't regret any part of the enthusiastic fuck he'd received yesterday evening. In fact if his ass would heal adequately by dinner, he planned to seduce Brian into a repeat performance.

 

"Will you either answer the fucking phone or shut the goddamn thing off," Brian said while shoving his head under Justin's pillow to resume sleeping.

"Big ass baby," muttered while blindly reaching for the offending object. It was the third call in as many minutes. The minute he answered the phone he knew he should have followed the latter of Brian's sourly delivered advice.

 

"Good morning, Boy Wonder," came the chipper voice on the other end of the phone.

"Michael, do you have any idea what time it is?" Justin let out an annoyed breath. Of course the prick knew what time it was. "What do you want?"

"I was wondering if you knew where Brian was."

Justin sat up, immediately removing the pillow from Brian's head and silently urging him to be quiet. "Why would I know that, Michael? Last thing I remember was that he was in Pittsburgh. I'm not."

"Well considering what today is, I thought he might have called you."

"Not at seven-thirty-five in the morning, Michael. Have you checked with Emmett or Ted? Maybe he went up to visit Gus."

"Ted and Blake are out of town and Em is working. As far as Lindsey and Melanie, they didn't mention him being there which Mel does often when I speak to her."

"Well then I don't know what to tell you."

"Look, I just thought..."

"I know what you thought, Michael." Justin shook his head. It was the same old story and song with Michael and his obsession with Brian. He would literally shit bricks if he knew that Brian and Justin were together at that very moment, sharing the same bed, the same air or the same part of the Continent. Based on that alone, Justin was glad he and Brian decided that they wouldn't let anyone but a trusted few what the situation was with them. His mother didn't even realize the full extent of their relationship on the chance that she would accidentally let it slip to Debbie and therefore to Michael. They had learned to be more careful after their time in Italy. Brian reached over then to discreetly shut his cell phone off. "Why don't you try his phone or the office, Michael. Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. Maybe he just wanted to get away."

"That's not Brian," Michael said assuredly.

"Well you would know."

"Yes, I would. By the way have you given anymore thought to doing another episode of the comic? People are asking for a continuation. They want to see how Rage and Zephyr are doing."

"I told you after the last one, Michael. I'm done with the Rage franchise. I've made my money from it and I have nothing else to gain in continuing with it. Why not put out an ad for artists. PIFA is teeming with young men and women interested in graphic arts and illustration."

"Yes but none of them are you."

"I realize that and maybe it's time for me to pass the torch to someone else. If you find another artist, have them call me or email me. I'll be happy to provide them the original blueprints for the artwork although they will want to put their own stamp on it. Speaking of which, I have to go. If I hear from Brian, I'll tell him to call you."

"Do that. I really wish you would reconsider, Justin."

"I won't. But I'm happy that the comic is still successful in its own right. Enjoy the fruits of it. Later." And leave me out of it, he thought as he hung up the phone without giving Michael a chance to respond. Turning to Brian, he said, "You should call him."

"Why? You handled that well enough."'

"If you don't, he's going to fill up your voice mail until you do. You should just do what's necessary and get it over with. In the meantime, I'm going to take a shower."

"Hold on, Justin. What's bothering you?"

"Nothing that I want to talk about or can't handle, Brian. Call your best friend before he puts out a missing persons report or pesters Carl to put out an APB for you. I just need a little time. I'm a big boy and can wash myself." He added what he hoped was a reassuring smile as he headed off to the bathroom.

 

Shutting the door behind him, he stoically took care of his usual ablutions. In a lot of ways, it was surreal to think that he was almost taken out of this world twelve years ago. He reflected on all he could remember of that time. Some things were still missing and if his weird dreams when he had them were any indication, the blanks would be filled in enough that he could ask Daphne what was fact and what was fiction. He wouldn't dare ask Brian to relive it. The prom and several subsequent event were still painful to them both. He made use of the shower seat and let the water rain down on him, trying to wash himself clean of the memories and of Michael. Why he can't accept that the Rage era of Justin's life was over and done for him was something he couldn't understand. Michael got to live out his most cherished fantasy. It should have been enough. Justin laughed and shook the water from his eyes. With Michael Novotny that particular fantasy would never be enough. Well he could just find someone else to illustrate it for him because Justin Taylor was through.

 

The mutinous look he received when he emerged from the bathroom should have alerted him to something terribly wrong but Justin just wanted to put some clothes on and sit on the balcony overlooking the Falls with his sketch pad. It was his way of reassuring himself that he was still alive and kicking life in the ass.

"I'm going to order some food. Do you want anything?" At Brian's continued silence, Justin looked at him. A look of horror and anger was emblazoned across Brian's features. "Why are you looking at me like that? Did you call Michael?"

"I called him," he answered shortly.

"And I take that it wasn't a mutually satisfying phone call."

"He called because he'd heard that I stopped by the store yesterday."

"Nothing unusual, then." Justin shrugged and resumed looking through the hotel's menu.

"Justin." The inflection in Brian's tone gave him pause.

"What?" What the fuck was his problem? I'm so not in the mood for any of Brian's cryptic shit. Fuck breakfast! Grabbing his sketch pad and supplies he was making his way to the stairs from the upstairs bedroom when Brian blocked his way. An angry and naked Brian to be exact.

"I want to talk to you."

Can it wait? I'm not in the mood right now."

"No it fucking can't wait, Justin."

"Well then speak so I can get to the balcony, Brian. I can't do this with you today."

"One question then... why did you decide to kill off JT?"

Justin understood what the problem was. The last issue of Rage hit stores yesterday but Brian couldn't have known that it was coming out. To Justin's knowledge Brian had no further interest in the franchise once Rage and JT got married.

"Shouldn't you be asking Michael this question? I just drew according to the storyline."

Brian nodded but the action was anything agreeable. Justin could tell he was seething.

"So what you're basically telling me is that you drew your own fucking death so that Zephyr-meaning Michael- could live out the fantasy of taking JT's place in Rage's- meaning my- life? And the issue came out on the day before you almost lost your life twelve fucking years ago."

"It's just a fucking comic book, Brian."

"Not to Michael it isn't. And it shouldn't be to us either since our lives have been on display since day fucking one."

"What should it matter? My part in the franchise is over. You heard me tell Michael that."

"How could you have drawn....that?... Fuck!!!"

"What Brian? It's a fucking comic."

"NO! That is NOT all it is! You have no idea what you looked like after you got bashed or the days when you were in a coma or the nights I sat up and watched you struggle to sleep."

"I don't have to know what I looked like Brian since I lived it! Since I still have the fucking nightmares about it. Since there are bits and pieces of shit that I dream that I can't fucking piece together even after twelve motherfucking years. Do you want to know how many times I thought about ending it all since then, Brian?"

"I don't want to hear this." Brian began to pace to the other side of the room.

"Of course you don't. But I don't and won't hold that against you. Truth be told, that part of my condition or the remnant of PTSD I may or may not have is none of your fucking business."

"What the fuck do you mean it isn't my business, Justin? I was right there with you."

"I know that but there was only so much you could do. You performed admirably but you have no idea what it's like to be in a body that won't obey no matter how much you tell it to do otherwise. So instead of actually causing myself the harm I was thinking about at the time, I did what I always did before fucking Hobbs and since I've been able to regain some use out of my hand...I drew. As twisted as the pictures make you feel, Brian, imagine what I was feeling and imagining in mind when I drew my own character's death at the request- no the fucking demand- of my boyfriend's best friend. So until you can actually understand the agony and depression and fucking fear of having those images in my brain and committing them to paper, FUCK OFF! Michael is happy and I'm now through with it; just as I am with this conversation."

 

 

How can you just leave me standing?

Alone in a world that's so cold

Maybe I'm just too demanding

Maybe I'm just like my father too bold

Maybe you're just like my mother

She's never satisfied

Why do we scream at each other

This is what it sounds like when doves cry**

Justin turned and ran down the stairs, needing the fresh air to calm his nerves and stave off the tears threatening to spill over. He wanted to take a Xanax so badly but he didn't like the way it made him feel. So Justin worked through the panic attack as best he could. All that Justin had tried to keep together and hold at bay began unraveling and there was nothing he could do to stop the inevitable. Closing his eyes he saw the images which had been assailing him on most nights when he slept flashing; opening his eyes he saw the bottomless depths of Niagara Falls. Justin backed away from the railing, folding himself in a small corner. He couldn't stop the quake inside of him or the thoughts. Tears and trembling....tears and trembling. Justin hated it but knew all he could do was ride it out. He's been through so many, many times before. How easy it would be to just disappear.... He couldn't stop the thought and that scared him even more. It was in those moments that he was trapped within his own personal hell with no escape. Sleep wasn't even a refuge. His first inclination was to fight the strong arms which gathered him close. He didn't want to be touched; couldn't stand to be touched but for those familiar arms which fought him to get closer as he fought to get away. Even knowing that it was Brian didn't help, just added to the fear in that moment. Trapped. Scared and scarred for fucking life- the self-assured, self-possessed man Justin Taylor had become was a figment of his imagination in the throes of an attack. Instead the harder he fought to suppress the trauma, the more it overtook him.

 

Brian left Justin briefly, to grab a blanket, pillow, a cool washcloth and two bottles of water- his actions as automatic as they had been years ago when Justin was in the midst of his panic attack. He breathed a sigh of relief when he found Justin in the exact spot he'd left him. There was a time when Justin would have acted on the harmful thoughts making a home in his head. Seating himself between Justin and the rail, he spread the blanket over them. Although it was nice out, he knew Justin's shirt was soaked through with sweat and tears. His first inclination now and always had been to protect Justin and although it wasn't much, he could only do what he could do. The man currently trembling with fear and self-loathing had taught him that. The guilt from not being able to anticipate Justin being irreparably harmed by Chris Hobbs still ate at Brian especially on this date. Ordinarily he would be at home, the backroom or his hideaway by Lake Erie getting lost in an obscene amount of drugs, drinking and nameless faceless dudes trying to cope. But he was here where he wanted to be, with the person he wanted to be with and Justin needed him cognizant and present.

"I'm s-s-sorry, Brian," Justin whispered.

"Shush, Sunshine. There's nothing to apologize for. Go to sleep. I'll watch over you. Nothing will happen to you. I promise."

Brian held him until the trembling subsided and held him tighter still after it stopped. And as always he kept his promise.

 

 

*Keep on Moving (sung by Soul II Soul)- Trevor Romeo

** Straight to Number One (sung by Touch-N-Go)- Charlie Gillett/ David Lowe

*** When Doves Cry (sung by Prince and the Revolution)- Prince Rogers Nelson

 

 

 

 

Justin's journal entry- Niagara Falls- 2012

It's our last full day here...Memorial Day. And instead of mourning countless veterans who gave their lives to preserve my freedom, I feel trapped in a web of my own making. Brian feels it too but as usual he's making the best of it.

 

After my meltdown and I resumed some sense of calm and what could pass for normalcy (what a joke that word is at this point), he and I had a long and surprisingly rational conversation about why I gave into Michael's demand. FREEDOM. Seven letters but it packs a whole lot of punch when used and applied correctly. By giving Michael what he wanted- which was for Zephyr to have a clear shot at Rage since the Paleontologist, Dr. Ken Kirchner (Ben's character) and JT died at the hands of Icetina , Swineheart and the Coo-coo for Cocoa-cocoa Puffs, Chiropractor- I now have NO obligation to any future endeavors with Michael Novotny for ANY reason. No, I didn't like the way the story ended with ‘me' and ‘Ben' being dead but if it meant that I could live my life without the business-related phone calls which were really a way to keep tabs on what and who I was fucking (Michael always managed to squeeze tidbits in about Brian's life outside of me or asking if I'd heard from him) then the end justified the means. Outside of Debbie, he has no overt reason to call me ever again. But then Michael is as subtle as an elephant in a glass shop, especially when he can't find Brian, so I'm sure he'll think of something. After I explained it to Brian in those terms, he understood why I had to do it for my own sanity. No, he didn't like it but he at least understood and to me that was more important than having his stamp of approval.

 

So once again, it's time to go back to real life. Our few stolen moments are about to be overshadowed by the quest for success in every facet of our lives individually. Fuck I'm so tired of feeling like this but it's what has to happen if I'm to prove myself- to me first and foremost- but also to people like Michael, Lindz and Melanie who somehow have taken it into their heads that I'm with Brian for his bank account. Lindz knows better but she would never go against Mel strictly for the sake of keeping the peace. I can't blame her for that. I still would love to know what her initial motives were when she showed Brian that article written by Simon Caswell all those years ago but it really doesn't matter. I worked my ass off to get where I am and still have more to do. Landing Federated Department Stores was major for me but the meeting in L.A. in the next few months will really tell the story. Brett Keller and Connor James has started a production company and both requested that I design their logo. Of course I'm not fooled- Brett wants me for my talent, Connor wants me for my ass. I bottomed for him twice while in L.A. while pining for Brian. A dose of coke and Beam helped me to forget momentarily about who I really needed. He was an adequate fuck; I got off but I still wouldn't repeat the experience. Once you've had high quality steak from Blackstone's why go back to a hamburger from McDonald's? That's an accurate analogy of the difference between Brian and Connor. I will never settle for a happy meal when I have a full-course dinner waiting at home.

 

More later...Brian just stepped onto the balcony to watch the fireworks show being given by the New York side of the Falls.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

June 2012- NYC

Justin's POV

 

Whoever thought a long-distance relationship inspired romance among the occupants was a damn fool. Brian and I spend more time exhausted than inspired to be naughty lately. In addition to that, our Skype calls have become business calls. There are four new accounts coming my way which again is great for business but our sex life is totally unsexy when we're yawning and barely able to keep our eyes open for more than a half hour. Henry has been great as an agent and Myrna is a gem as is Amy and Dawn. I hired a new intern which I just may keep on after he graduates. Joseph Castle's talent in using multi-media within his artwork is second to none and frankly I would be a fool to let him go. Now if only I can get him to stop hitting on Daph, his career would be assured... and so would his life. I dare not tell Brian. He'll probably have the boy murdered regardless of if he'd done anything or not. It's good to see him go into protective mode with her too so now she can't defend him to me anymore.

 

Speaking of which....

"Hey Old man."

"What are you doing now?"

"Well you would actually be proud of me. I'm having a new Armani tailored."

"I know."

I laughed. "Then why did you ask?"

As soon as the question left my mouth, Brian stepped through the front door with a big smile on his face.

"Funny thing happened when I was passing by. I saw this little blond twink. Well I thought my eyes were deceiving me so I decided to double back- you know to make sure I wasn't losing my sight at my advanced age."

"You won't be entering the advanced age for a few more years but it is nice to know your eyes still work beautifully."I stood on the tips of my toes, disregarding everything and everyone around us and kissed Brian full and thoroughly. Brian returned the intense gesture, twisting his fingers in my hair and wrapping his arm around me underneath the suit jacket.

Please, be careful of the pins Mr. Justin. You too, Mr. Brian. Otherwise you will have to endure standing still all over again," Arnold said disapprovingly.

He had been Brian's "New York" tailor for many years. The first time Brian brought me here, I had to have everything refitted because I was unable able to keep still long enough to endure the tailoring. Added to that, Brian's OCD tendencies and the fact that we were both horny as hell and distracting each other with the need for constant contact, Arnold had a time getting us together for an impromptu dinner with one of Brian's clients. We pulled apart and thankfully Arnold had very little readjusting to do.

"So just what are you doing in New York?"

"Funny that you should ask. Imagine my surprise when I received a call from Charles Duffy- you remember him, right? He was the client we had dinner with during our working vacation back in 2007. Anyway he called last night and asked that I make the trip today. Since the schedule was clear, I couldn't see the harm in taking the meeting. The added bonus is finding you in the one spot I wouldn't have dared to look." He laughed. My aversion to suits was legendary.

"When are you due back in the Pitts?"

"Taking a red-eye out tonight. I have a meeting Farley's Steakhouse in the morning. They didn't like what Vanguard came up with for their new campaign. What's funny is that they haven't changed their advertising since 2001 when I did the original. Hm..wonder why they didn't like the new campaign?"

I laughed. "Smug ass but you have a right to be so. How about an early dinner and a movie?"

He smiled and countered, "How about an early dinner and making a movie?"

"You're such a freak. Remind me to spank you later for putting such salacious ideas in my head."

"With pleasure as long as I get to record everything else."

"Let me change and I'll walk you down to Duffy's office."

 

As we walked, he asked how I was really doing. I told him about Nicole and some of the things that we talked about but none of the things I've said about us and our situation. I also told him that she was the most candid and un-therapist-like educated professional I'd ever met which put him at ease somewhat. He and I both have an aversion to getting our heads shrunk...well at least the ones that sit on our shoulders- but talking with Nicole is actually easy and she doesn't probe and prod trying to "diagnose" me as much as helping me to see my way clear of things. She doesn't make me feel like a basket case or a case study. His relief at hearing that I wasn't coming apart at the seams made me realize just how concerned he really was. On one hand it made me feel like shit but on the other it made me love him more for caring. Most of all I appreciated that after the meltdown, he didn't treat me like I should have a straight jacket on and a constant supply of Diazepam. In short he did what he always did: he took care of me but gave me the space I needed to regain my equilibrium. I've always said that he understood me in ways few could or ever would and in that moment my words proved true once again.

 

While Brian took care of his business, I had a little of my own to deal with.I told him to call me when he was finished and I'd be there within minutes. Myrna's office was a few blocks over and since it was a scheduled meeting, it made perfect since to deal with Arnold too. I could resist smiling as I walked into the office for the meeting running down my hectic schedule and expenses. Ted was already on Skype and had seen my approach. He had an answering smile on his face so I knew he knew why I was so fucking happy.

 

"I take it His Majesty called you?" Ted said by way of greeting.

I spoke to everyone before answering him, "Better than that, Ted. He ran into me in the most unlikely of places."

Ted laughed. "I swear you two... if he ran into you ‘accidentally' that must mean you were in Armani, his addiction. I swear he can't go to New York without adding to the millions of suits he already has. Did you stop him?"

"Strangely, he was actually passing by the store when he discovered me. Arnold had just finished putting the final touches on when my cell phone rang and there he was. Now that's not to say he won't still happen back in the Pitts with a new suit. This is Brian we're talking about after all."

"Wait. Brian is in New York? Where?" Myrna asked. She had been dying to meet the man who created such inspiration and mood swings in me.

"He's at a meeting of his own but has to catch a red-eye out back to Pittsburgh tonight."

My smile must have gotten wider because Ted outright laughed. "Should I cancel the meeting with Farley's tomorrow?"

"No. He'll be there. I have some work of my own to finish before the show, if I'm going to be able to be able to make up for Brian's birthday. We always celebrate it after the actual date because it's a bad week for both of us."

"About that," Henry chimed in. "You're not going to be able to do it anyway."

I felt the frown crease my forehead and Ted drew back instantly which meant he had already been informed of the reason. Amy instantly made herself busy while Myrna just stared at me. "Why the fuck not? Henry if this is some attempt to..."

"It isn't," he said immediately knowing where I was going with the conversation. "Unfortunately Brett Keller and Connor James have to move up the meeting by a month. They got the green light on another V-Men production and pre-production begins in August."

"Well if I'm forced to accommodate their sudden change in scheduling then they can very well bend a bit and come to New York. They at least owe me that for ruining my plans so thoroughly."

"Justin, I beg to differ. These are movie stars and producers. They don't have to cow-tow to your wishes."

I smiled at him. He really didn't know about this side of my personality but he was about to learn quickly. "Actually, they do, Henry. Furthermore, since I have worked with them on some level before on a failed project, they know the caliber of my work which has only improved since that time. Now I understand the way Hollywood and all its fundamental parts work- I've been there and was part of that world for a short time- but since it's my talent and my time they're looking to pay for, they will accommodate me. Don't forget, I didn't go seeking them... they came for me. Having their account will not make or break me financially or within this industry. We work in two separate realms but I will not put everything else I have going for the remainder of the month to travel to Los Angeles on their whim. If you find that they oppose it, feel free to decline the meeting altogether. It's really not that important in the grand scheme of my career."

Henry started to say something but Ted interrupted. "Justin, have you spoken to Michael?"

I couldn't stop the sudden cringe when he mentioned Michael. It was something Ted saw and immediately understood. "The Saturday before Memorial Day. Why?"

"And did you agree to his...proposal?"

"Ted you already know that I did not. Again why?"

"Now that Brett and Connor are starting their own production company, they want Rage to be amongst their first films. They have several people they've pitched the idea to and are willing to put up the cash. The only catch is that they will not accept anyone else as lead Creative Director on this except its original illustrator." Ted dropped his eyes when he said the last.

I pinched the bridge of my nose wondering why this fucking comic and its creator wouldn't just leave me the absolute fuck alone. "Ted, my answer is still no. I don't give a shit what they are offering, it's not worth it to me to have to endure Michael's constant harassment again."

"I wasn't thinking in terms of Michael, Justin. I was thinking in terms of you. We all know why you are based in New York and we know what your ultimate goal is, even if Michael doesn't. As your financial adviser, I would say get the fuck over your gripes and make this damn money."

"You sounded like Brian just then." I laughed.

"Well we both graduated from the ‘Brian Kinney Get Your Head Out of Your Ass School of Business.' But as your friend and someone who knows this situation from the outside looking in since its inception, I want to say I understand but get your head out of your ass and do what you know you must do. You know how I feel about the two of you and if no one else I understand what your quest for equality in your non-relationship is costing both of you but we both learned from the Master of putting personal feelings to the side and tending to business first. This is a huge opportunity for you that's being presented. It's up to you whether the personal risks justify the means."

"How big is the preliminary budget for the movie?" The words were out of my mouth before I had a chance to stop them.

" So far the budget is at thirty million but with the strides being made within the Gay marriage and Equality Initiatives that could increase at any time."

"If I decide to do this my fee can be negotiated but I won't take less than the going rate for the top Creative Director in Hollywood right now. Also I want thirty percent of the gross profits on the weekend it open and ten percent thereafter. Also I want all of my rights restored on my artwork posthaste. Just because I'm considering working with Michael, doesn't mean I trust him farther than I can spit. Myrna, please draw up everything so that if I decide to get in bed with this I won't be fucked without lube. Henry and Amy: both of you handle very separate yet entwined portions of my business. Based on the timeline, my guess is even if I sign up for this, production won't begin until March of next year primarily because of Brett and Connor's production schedule and the requisite edits and re-shoots, voice overs and promotion schedules. That said, I need to know when my consignments are due and also what contracts are up for renewal from JT Designs. Ted, how much money is still outstanding from the completed works?"

"JT or commissions?"

"Both if you have it available now but I'd really like to know about JT's now."

"JT is still waiting for five thousand dollars to clear but everything else already is which includes all the commissions."

"Good. I want you to look into acquiring my mom's real estate company and my dad's electronics store. The former because my mom's boss is a shithead; the latter because my sperm donor is also a shithead. I don't want his business but the real estate which houses Taylor Electronics and the other buildings which surround it. He's not going to want to give up that corner and I'm not giving him an out on not taking care of Molly the way he did with me. He's been threatening to pull Molly's tuition out from under her and although I could afford to pay for it, the least he could do is pay for his heterosexual daughter's completed Dartmouth education. Taylor Electronics sits on a prime piece of land in the heart of the city and if I'm not mistaking, they're developing the area again to make it more gentrified. So my thinking is that if I forgive the mortgage for the next six years there shouldn't be a reason he can't pay for the portion of Molly's education not covered by her scholarship and support until she finds a job to sustain herself. Just because he has a new wife and a new child does not mean he can forget that Molly exists and is his responsibility too."

"I'll look into it this afternoon. I'll probably ask Quinn to make discreet inquiries."

I nodded. "Do that. Daniel Quinn is a good man and I trust him. Also feel free to fill him in on the whole Rage thing. I don't like to have any of the people who handle my affairs left in the dark on any portion of the day-to-day operations. Henry, do you have any questions or concerns?"

"Out of curiosity and you can feel free to tell me to mind my business but why is it even a question whether you work with Brett Keller and Connor James? Is this Novotny person really important in reference to the business at hand especially since you've worked with him and others that you did not like?" Henry was genuinely puzzled by Justin's aversion to making millions with the Rage project. If it were up to him and he had Justin's talent as well as his head for business, he would have jumped on it in a heartbeat.

"In order to fully explain my aversion to working with Michael again, I would have to delve into a portion of my life that really is none of your business. But in fairness to you, Henry, I will give you an abbreviated version with the certain aspects to the relationship between Michael and I which does in fact affect the production of Rage. First let me explain just who Michael Novotny is and Ted you can jump in anytime you feel since you were there as well. Michael is Brian's best friend who has always wanted to be more. It never would have happened even if Brian and I had never met; Ted can confirm that. To say the attraction was there from the beginning would be an understatement. For me, the immediate awareness of Brian Kinney was a lot like running a marathon and finally seeing a tall, gorgeous drink of water waiting for you at the end. It was love and lust at first sight for me and I felt gut-punched drunk with it. Brian was a different matter but the awareness hit him, too. The air felt charged as it always does when we're around each other regardless of what we're doing. Whether we're eating,, talking, fighting or fucking, that's just the way it is. Like Ted and our other friend, Emmett who was also there the night Brian and I met, Michael also noticed it immediately. Not to go into too many details because it would take entirely too long to unravel several mysteries as to why Brian and I could not move on since meeting, Michael has undermined our relationship or as Brian and I like to call it- our non-relationship- from the very beginning. Only he called it 'protecting his best friend' and maybe in some remote corner of his mind, he thought that he was but it was in reality much more complex than that. Unrequited love often is. There was a time when Brian and I had difficulties and instead of giving Brian all the information, Michael chose what to tell and what to withhold causing a severe rift between Brian and I. Eventually we repaired the rift but it wasn't quite the same. At least not until I moved to New York. It has taken us a little more than seven years to get to the point where we are now primarily because we have kept Michael and a few others completely out of it. They do not know that we have been meeting secretly or that we are still together in any form or fashion."

Ted spoke up then. "The only ones here in Pittsburgh who know anything concrete about Brian and Justin are myself, Brian's assistant Cynthia and our friend Emmett who helps me to deflect and divert Michael. If he were to find out, there really would be hell to pay and he would constantly harass Justin until once again he gets his way and Brian and Justin are no longer an item."

"The Rage comics, closely resemble mine and Brian's life together because in truth it is our entire relationship chronicled within the pages. However, the comics took a decidedly twisted turn with the last issue in which my character and Michael's real life husband's character were killed off in an exceptionally violent way by three ongoing villains. The idea was to give Rage and Zephyr- Rage's best friend- a clear path to have the relationship they were always meant to have in the writer's mind. I agreed to draw the comic for the storyline so that Michael would not have a reason to contact or speak to me ever again, especially in reference to the Rage franchise. I absolved myself of any affiliation with the comic in its totality, giving Michael full range to handle the franchise as he saw fit. With this new offer from Keller and James and their stipulation that I be involved, it puts me right back in the situation I dug myself out of. And because Michael is technically the creator of the comic, regardless of if it's mine and Brian's lives he's been writing about, I would still have to work with him in some capacity and that's what I have a problem with."

"Wait. Justin, Brian read the last issue?" Ted asked.

"Yeah, he did, Ted. He probably hasn't told you about the end result. Do you know where he was when he read it?"

"The last I'd had a chance to talk to him about it at all was right before I left the office that Memorial Day weekend."

"Michael had called my cell phone that morning trying to find Brian. He figured that Brian would have called me because of the prom anniversary date and also to try talking into reconsidering my desertion of the franchise. Now I understand why. Anyway I had gone to take a shower. While I was in there, Brian called Michael back. I don't know what was said but he decided to read the last issue."

"Holy shit!" The look on Ted's face told me had just discerned what the resulting actions were.

"Indeed, Ted; it wasn't pretty. So Henry, can you understand now why I can't just throw caution to the wind where Michael Novotny and his machinations are concerned. I've done it before with near disastrous results. To do so again, would risk my sanity and peace of mind so no, I can't just say ‘yes' for the sake of money. But since there's no harm in taking a meeting, that's what I'll do."

"I would also like to withdraw my earlier statement," Ted said. "Justin, you have to do what's right by you and in this case Brian has to be considered too. But why didn't you tell him about it?"

"Funny thing was that after Volume one Issue five which was the marriage issue, I never thought he would pick up another book from the franchise. So imagine my surprise coming out of the bathroom with Brian in full-on 'Rage' mode from actually reading Rage." I couldn't help but smile at the irony while looking at my cell which was singing the Star Wars theme for the eighth time that day and it wasn't even half over. "Excuse me a moment."

 

Moving over to the far corner of the office, I answered the phone in my usual greeting for the caller.

"Hey Old man. All done?"

I could hear the smile in his voice. "Yeah. Where are you?"

"Just getting ready to get out of here. If you walk two blocks over, I'm in the rather large glass building."

"See you in a few then. Later."

"Later."

 

Making my way back to the desk, they all pretended to be busy or that my cheeks weren't red. I knew they were but Ted couldn't resist the urge to tease. "Master called?" Ted asked with a smirk on his face. I actually liked that side of him

"Yes and as his willing sub I must hurry this along. Can't resist the allure of being tied up."

"Justin!"

"Hey you started it." I laughed. "Anyway, is there anything else before I get out of here?" Once everyone confirmed there wasn't anything further that required my immediate attention I said, "Good. So there is no need for my phone to ring the rest of the day from business matters... unless the building burns or someone is dead and stinking at which point you'll leave me a voicemail or I'll see it on the news. Barring that, I'm not answering my phone for the rest of the day."

Ted laughed. "You know he just called Cynthia to say the same thing before he called you. He said he'll be on the red eye back to the Pitts tonight but unless the building is burning or someone died within the office, no one is to ring his phone."

"What can I say but great minds and all that. He should be downstairs by now so I'll talk to you all tomorrow."

 

On my way to the elevator I heard Myrna ask Ted what Brian was like and how he was with me. His response was, "They don't call Brian and Justin ‘Sin and Sex' without good reason." As I emerged from the building, my heart skipped a beat as I laid eyes on Brian standing against the street light in front of me looking gorgeous in that Black Armani suit I loved seeing him in. Yanking me close, he stole my lips, oblivious to the onlookers or passersby on the street. His fingers entwined in my hair, as mine did the same. Neither of us could get close enough.

 

When he finally released me from the scorching exchange, he asked, "Miss me?"

"Every fucking second," I answered while absorbing the look in his eyes within that moment and cataloging for later when I would draw it from memory. "You should know that we probably have an audience staring down on us right now." Then I told him that when I left Myrna was still on Skype with Ted and asked what he and I were like together.

"Well you know how much I love sex in public," he drawled as he kissed me briefly again.

 

Then drew me closer as we both threw a wave upward. Surprisingly, Myrna and Amanda weren't the only ones at the window but so was Henry. Brian let them look, understanding why and what they needed to see without me having to tell him. Myrna who always referred to me as ‘her stunning blond' needed to make sure that Brian was as beautiful in person as I said his picture on my phone indicated. Amy's interests was that I wouldn't get my heart broken and Henry was primarily interested in his manner of dress. He was a firm believer in clothes making the man whereas Brian looked as if he made the clothes better than they looked in a store or on anyone else. I know that Henry would appreciate that sentiment. Giving one final wave, Brian hailed a cab and I gave the address for my place in Dumbo.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Lying in L.A. - June 2012

If Michael was asked one more time when the new issue was coming out, he thought he would scream. It was ever thus at these Cons and whereas he enjoyed his existence and clout within the realm as the Creator of Rage, it was still taxing on his nerves primarily because the illustrious Illustrator had decided that the last issue was his last affiliation with the comic book franchise. When Michael asked him to reconsider, he outright refused. The truth was that Michael needed Justin. He all but guaranteed Brett Keller and Connor James when they approached him about acquiring the rights to finally make the movie under their own production company, Michael had jumped at the chance. Even committing Justin without his knowledge to be the projects Creative Director while Michael would be credited as the Creator and one of the Executive Producers of Rage the Movie. It was a bigger opportunity than he'd ever dreamed possible especially after the movie fell through the first time. What he didn't count on was Justin saying ‘no' which is what he did. That fucking blond twink always ruins everything. No doubt Michael thought Justin didn't want to do it anymore because of his insistence that JT and Dr. Ken the Paleontologist die and Rage and Zephyr finally end up together where they belonged in the first place.

 

It never occurred to him that Justin was glad to be officially finished with Rage in both of his forms. As an artist it was hard to see what Michael really thought of him written in a carefully worded but no less heartless script and as the character JT was based on, it made him angry. But in Michael's mind, every word of it was true.

 

"Michael? Ha! I thought that was you."

"Yeah, it's me. How are you, Brett?"

"I'm excellent. I'm here gathering information on how Comic-Cons are run. I'd like to include a scene in the movie. I think it would be beneficial all the way around."

Michael stomach dropped at the mention of the movie. "I daresay you would certainly know better than I would what is valuable in a movie scene."

"Have you been doing the Cons long?"

"Only as a distributor for the last few years but I've done them as long as they had been established in Pittsburgh. It's been nice to visit them in other places though. The one in Prague and London were really intense. I felt like a rock star."

Brett laughed. "I could see how. It's hard to remember that the world is a really big and amazing place and that there are so many fans of your work outside of the United States. By the way, are you going to be at the meeting with Justin in New York?"

What? What meeting? "I haven't spoken to Justin since the weekend of Memorial Day. His assistant said that he's been out of town a lot and from what I hear he has a few shows coming up. I'll have to check my schedule but when is it?"

Brett pulled out his ever-present palm pilot. "June 29th at two if I'm not mistaken since he'll be in the City. Connor and I will be staying that the Four Seasons so that's where the meeting will be."

"I'll see what can be rearranged so that I can make it. Thanks for telling me."

"If we're all going to be working on a movie together, you guys are going to have to start communicating better."

"Yeah. I'll tell him," Michael muttered. "But like I said he's just really busy according to his P.A."

"Well I'll see you then. Try to see some of the sights while you're here in L.A. don't work too hard."

Michael smiled back at Brett. "Will do. My husband should be finished with his lecture by now. He's over at UCLA today."

"I read his book, "The Gift Giver. It was a really interesting read. Well I'd better get going. Bye, Michael."

 

As he finished packing up his booth, Michael dialed the only person he knew could fix the mess he's in.

"Thank you for calling Kinnetik. How may I direct your call?"

"Mr. Kinney please."

"He's in a meeting. May I take a message?"

Fuck! Brian was always in a goddamn meeting. "No. That's okay. I will just try his cell phone."

"Okay. Thanks again for calling. Have a wonderful day."

"Yeah. You too."

Michael didn't hesitate when he hung up. Dialing Brian's number, he waited for the eight rings before the brusque voice of his best friend uttered "Kinney here...Leave a message."

"Hey Brian. I need some advice. This is really important and it's really lucrative. It could change everything but I can't talk to Ben about it without getting lectured. Call me back when you get this okay?"

It was the best he could do for the moment. Looking at his watch, he knew he had to get going. Ben would end up waiting and Michael had promised that he wouldn't be late again after having Ben waiting for two hours the day before.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Inside Brian's Meeting....

 

Justin fell over from satisfaction and exhaustion while Brian was absolutely spent.

"Of all the times we've fucked, that has got to rank at number six on the list. Fuck, I want a cigarette right now and can't move to get it."

Justin chuckled. It felt good just to be able to laugh with him freely and without the ghost of the past hanging over them. "C'mon, you're not that old and I just put in all the work. You just laid there and took it."

"I wish you could ride yourself. Being under you is as much a job as working you over."

"But you don't mind."

Brian returned his serene smile. "No. I don't mind at all. In fact as soon as I crawl to my discarded pants and have a cigarette I will be happy to show you what a pleasure it really is."

"I'm looking forward to it." Justin followed Brian out of bed and headed over to the fridge in the corner of his bedroom. He handed Brian one as the latter handed him a cigarette. He nodded his thanks while resettling himself in his favorite position- in between Brian's outstretched legs with his back leaning against him. "So how was your meeting?"

"Surprisingly productive so it wasn't a wasted trip. Duffy wants to branch his part of his business off into a subsidiary and asked Kinnetik to head up the campaign based on the success of the other campaign. Although the original gym equipment line is geared toward adults, he wants to start a specific line for kids. Apparently, his granddaughter has developed Childhood Diabetes and although she's not overweight, it got him to thinking about the kids who are and don't have a means to help themselves into a healthier lifestyle. So he and his son-in-law who is an endocrinologist have been brainstorming on what equipment would be best for kids. Jump ropes are a given but he still has to find things that will interests kids enough to use regularly and could possibly grow with the child. The son-in-law deals with hormonal therapy but he could see where his knowledge is also useful in managing the disease especially in patients who have a hypoactive thyroid and diabetes. They have to be treated a bit differently from a standard case."

Justin nodded. "Well based on the fact that most kids drop weight with growth spurts and by essentially staying active, I'd say in this day and age the best bet is to come up with an interactive video game which can include modified versions of the adult gym equipment. Only it's simulated and there's minimal risk of hurting themselves. You could make adventure games and dance games that way they're bound to appeal to kids on a larger scale and it won't seem like it's exercise which to most kids are boring."

"Adventure games, huh? Like Tomb Raider?"

Justin laughed while poking Brian in a sensitive area of his thigh. "You have to admit that game was fun."

"Yeah, right. I still don't understand how you could focus on that game for more than an hour at a time, dance, drug and fuck with me and still score a 1500 on your SAT. "'

"What can I say? I was a genius."

Brian leaned down and kissed the top of Justin's head. "You still are."

"I don't know about that since I agreed to take a meeting with Brett and Connor at the Four Seasons on the 29th."

"Wait. Brett Keller and Connor James are coming to New York to meet with you? For what?"

Justin huffed out a deeply-drawn breath. He already knew Brian would not be happy. "It's actually a two-fold meeting. First and the good news is they have started their own production company and they want me to design their new logo."

"That's great. Congrats, Mr. Taylor but I know there is more so spill."

"Okay so here it goes. Remember that phone call I received while we were blissfully naked Memorial Day weekend."

"The call from Michael? How could I forget? Go on."

"Well apparently, the two of them reached out to Michael to resume talks about making Rage into a movie. They already have the financial backing which could increase thanks to the Gay Equality and Marriage Initiatives and the strides being made every year."

"Again that's great but where do you fit into all of this benevolence being passed around?"

"When they approached Michael they made it clear that they wouldn't work with another illustrator except the one who made Rage happen. They're offering me a Creative Director position since I have the most clear vision of how everything should look. That's accurate since I created it but it would involve working closely with Michael again."

Brian's phone chirped then indicating a message. He ignored it but as usual Justin as the voice of reason chided him. So he listened to the voicemail and replayed it for Justin on speaker. Michael's panicked voice rang out loud and clear in the detailed message. "What did I tell you about talking up the devil, Sunshine?"

"That I should learn to keep my big fucking mouth shut." He smiled briefly but grew serious. "I'm willing to bet it's about the movie. Call him back, Brian."

"No."

"C'mon. You'll be doing me a favor."

"How so?"

"Because then I don't have to speak to him. Plus I would be very, very grateful if you did."

"How grateful?"

Justin laughed. "You're so fucking greedy. But then again so am I which means I'm bound to be very hungry by the end of the call."

"You'd better be," Brian mumbled all the while dialing Michael's number. "You want me to put it on speaker?"

He nodded. "Even though his voice is annoying and grates on my nerves, I think I should hear it all. It may help me to make my decision faster."

"Okay but no matter what you hear, Justin, he can't know I'm here. Okay?"

"I know, Brian." He smiled. "We're playing by our own rules right now but if the others find out, we'll be back to square one. And no matter how hard this has been, I wouldn't trade it. It's just us in this relationship which is how it should have been all along."

Brian nodded and dialed the number while giving Justin a reassuring squeeze. Yeah, Justin thought, gestures like that is what no one knows about us. And I like it like that.

 

"Brian. Thank God," Michael's voice came through loud, clear and urgent.

"Hey Mikey. What's up?"

"Every time I call you're always in a meeting."

"Yeah well. I do run my own business so that should be expected. If this is a chit chat call can we save it for another time. I'm heading into another meeting in a matter of five minutes. So talk quick."'

Michael laid out the whole story to Brian, never realizing that he was laying it all out to Justin as well. Brian stroked Justin's hair while the younger man fumed and listened intently to all Michael had said. He made the mistake of thinking that Justin was so desperate for Brian that he would do anything to keep connected to the comic based on him, even swallowing what was left of his pride to work with Michael and be content just to draw pictures of Brian.

"I know I was wrong for committing him but could you talk to him and make him understand what a big opportunity this is for me...I mean for both of us?" Michael pleaded.

"Michael what the hell were you thinking? Ted told me that he'd told you that the last issue of the comic was the end of his involvement in the franchise. Why would you just assume that Justin would blindly go along with what you wanted. From what I saw of the last issue, you couldn't get more final than that. And then to have it released on that date, Michael was unusually cruel and now you want me to encourage him to keep your promise to Brett and Connor? Again what the hell were you thinking?"

"Jesus, Brian, the kid will be fine. The main problem is getting him to agree to it. His artwork was amazing and distinctive as it was because he had a personal stake in the outcome."

"Really? I've always known Justin's work to be exceptional so I'm not quite following."

"You were the personal stake, Brian. Watching him draw you was like watching you two have sex no matter the scene he was working on; no matter how commonplace. It's what's always drawn people to the comic along with the content. It's also what's missing from all the artists I tried to find to replace that damn kid."

"First you probably shouldn't refer to him as ‘that damn kid' when you ask him to reconsider working with you. Secondly, why would you ask me to get involved in this?"

"Because he'll listen to you. He won't tell you no."

"What world are you living in, Mikey? Justin has always had his own mind. Half of our arguments were because he told me ‘no' about something. He's not mindless like you seem to believe him. He couldn't have ever held me if he was."

"Can you stop thinking with your dick and help me, Brian?"

"Oh...I see it now." Brian folded his lips inward to keep from yelling at Michael. "It's perfectly fine if I speak to him and not receive a bunch of shit for it when it benefits you but any other time you are willing to badger and bad mouth Justin because I chose him. Well sorry, Michael, but this is one clump of shit you're going to have to clean up yourself. Now I have to go. As it is, I'm late for my next appointment. I suggest you give him a call and try treating him like the man he is instead of the boy you always wanted him to be. Later, Mikey."

Brian disconnected the call and shut his phone off completely. He knew Michael would call right back as was his wont when he didn't hear the answers he wanted to.

 

Both of them sat there and absorbed all they heard in silence. Justin laid back against Brian again, his eyes closing in pleasure and relief as Brian massaged his scalp with strong sure fingers. Within the length of the phone call, his head had begun to throb.

"Whatever the outcome, Justin, you know I support your decision, right?" Brian didn't know what made him give that reassurance but he knew it was vital just then. He was finally beginning to unravel another piece of what Justin had been trying to tell him for years when he thought that it was a matter of jealousy on Justin's part.

"I know, Brian and I know that I can't ask your advice to make this decision. I can talk about my conflicted feelings with you and that's enough because you know where they stem from. But if there is one thing that I have learned being here, it's that I immediately look for the big picture instead of the small-scale ready-made solutions. This opportunity isn't a summer job. It's a huge undertaking and even if I hadn't heard Michael's comments, based on my schedule alone and all I've got going I can't devote the time that it will require and keep my businesses in tact. Michael doesn't understand because technically he didn't build his own business from the ground up- I did it for him and Buzzy before Michael changed the name to Red Cape Comics. Buzzy had already built a following for the store which included Michael as a patron. Sure he had the story but I made him an industry like we are even though he isn't as well off and probably never will be especially without this movie. I won't write it off completely because I may be able to do it later but for right now, it doesn't fit neatly into my life. A square peg will never fit into a circle, Brian. Brett and Connor will understand that because of all they're undertaking themselves."

"Good luck explaining it to Michael," Brian said cryptically.

"Personally as far as I'm concerned, Michael can suck several fat ones. However, professionally he's going to have to accept it because he doesn't have a choice. If Brett and Connor aren't willing to accept anyone in my place, what exactly can he do? I lose nothing by turning it down at this juncture and neither do they or their backers."

"You know he'll take it as a personal slight, right?"

Justin nodded. "Yeah, I know but I have to think of me and what's best for me and the people who work for me. Sometimes the amount of money offered does not justify the means to get it. This is one of those times."

Brian smiled. "How did you get so smart?"

Justin turned his mega-watt smile toward Brian. "I learned from the Master."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin's Journal- June 20th 2012

I gotta admit...this journal thing isn't half bad (there Nicole I said it-congratulations!). Even though I would still prefer to draw out my feelings, being able to process and list the things bothering me or affecting me in any way has actually improved my work. It's helped me to be more efficient in how I handle my everyday routine and pressures of building my businesses. But most of all it's helped me to say the things that need to be said even if I can't say them verbally. So in that respect it has been a godsend to have to do this.

 

I'm glad that I told Brian about the movie offer and what it would and could mean. I'm also glad that he understood my need to "talk" about it but not receive advice about it. He listened and understood my concerns especially after hearing what Michael had to say. Could he finally be catching the drift I've been throwing all these years? Time will tell I guess but that's neither here nor there. The fact is that I can't work with Michael right now. Not for professional reasons and most certainly not for personal reasons. My schedule is entirely too full and opportunities are constantly rolling in. As I told Brian, I can't force a square peg into a circle and the movie just doesn't fit into my life at this stage. Michael is going to have to accept it because there isn't a fucking thing he can do to change it. Also Brian has asked me to do the logos for Charles Duffy's campaign. In spite of everything I have going on, I happily and readily accepted. My grandmother has diabetes and had to have part of her leg amputated. I remember watching her struggle with Phantom Pain Syndrome in which her brain couldn't accept that her calf wasn't there anymore. So if I could spare someone that painful experience in anyway and at any age, I would do what I can for the cause. Brian is coming back to New York then so that I can meet with Duffy and his son-in-law to go over the particulars of what they want. Fortunately, Brian will be staying at the Four Seasons where my meeting with Brett and Connor will take place so that I can move seamlessly between the two. Surprisingly, Henry hasn't given me any shit about taking this on. He just requested that if I was going to run behind on anything else to let him know. I told him it should be fine and that between Amy and Joseph we should be able to cover the accounts. He said that I should consider hiring more staff. I told him to let me think about it for a few weeks and see what the talent is out there and I would let him know. Thankfully the New York appearances he's scheduled me for should yield results in that department but I'll still reserve judgment. The caliber of employees I have so far match my own work ethic and strive for excellence as much and as hard as I do. I can't have someone coming in to fuck that up no matter how talented they may be.

 

Back to my personal life.... It's difficult to be insatiably horny but your lover is 373 miles or roughly 6 hours away. It makes me almost want to take a flight twice a day. Foolish, I know but all the nameless fucks are a pain in the ass...figuratively, definitely not literally. Either way, this is my plight for now. Dick'em down, deliver and the detach then go home and speak to the only one whose name I want to remember. The only one whose name I sometimes want to forget. Repetitive cycle- yes since rewinding time isn't an option...but it's a necessary one for now.

 

More later....time to get to work! Success is calling!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Petulance in the Pitts- One Week Later

Michael arrived off the plane, explaining that he would see him at home. For Ben, it was fine since all he'd heard since boarding the plane was that Michael needed to head to the Diner to see Debbie and Ted. With Rage being made into a movie, Michael had to meet with Ted to see if their investments could hold up after production was finished so that Michael wouldn't have to do the Cons as much. Ben in essence was happy to let his worry-wort of a husband go off and play Executive Producer and leave him in peace to mull over his own upcoming projects.

 

Walking into the Diner, he felt the immediately felt assailed with the memories of life pre-Justin Taylor. That was happening more and more especially seeing Brian seated in the booth with Emmett and Ted. Finally, he's not in another fucking meeting!

"Hey guys."

"Welcome back, World Traveler," Ted said.

"Hey, Mikey," Brian said barely looking up from the paper.

"Hey Baby," Emmett said.

Michael looked at Em as if he expected him to give up his seat next to Brian. Realizing that it wasn't bound to happen, Michael slid into the booth next to Ted. "So what's been happening while I've been away?"

"Much of the usual, Michael," Ted said. "Work and occasionally Woody's. Other than that Em's business is thriving and it's the busiest season yet at Kinnetik."

"It must be because every time I call Brian at the office, he's in a meeting or about to go into one."

Brian spoke then. "Well you know, Mikey...Busy, busy. It's what pays the bills."

"Speaking of which, have you had a chance to talk to Justin yet?"

Brian closed the newspaper with a snap then. "First why would the word ‘bills' spark a conversation about Justin? You know what...never mind. The answer is no. I believe I told you that when you asked me to."

"What's going on, Michael and why would you ask Brian to talk to Justin on your behalf? I know you have his cell number. Why not give him a call yourself?" Emmett was genuinely puzzled.

"Rage is up for being made into a movie again. The problem is that the producers will not work with another illustrator except the kid. When I asked him to reconsider his decision, he said that he wouldn't. I thought Brian would advise him to do it. You know he always did what Brian said."

Brian dropped his head to hide his laughter and the look of mild irritation at the stupidity spewing from Michael. While Ted outright chuckled.

Emmett couldn't resist asking the follow-up question which made Ted chuckle harder. It was the same question he was on the verge of asking. "Michael, if you think that Justin doesn't have an original thought in his head, why on earth would you want to work with him or take the chance that he would fuck up?"

"It's what Brett and Connor insisted on."

"That makes sense," Ted finally regained himself. "Since he is the original illustrator for the franchise but there was a very good reason why Justin said no. He's booked solid and can't really devote himself to it."

"Oh come off it, Ted," Michael exploded. "How much could he possibly make selling art? He'd probably make more selling his ass."

The other three occupants at the table looked at him but it was Brian who spoke. "And you wonder why I wouldn't speak to Justin on your behalf? Why would I encourage him to work with someone who constantly belittles his talent? Oh and you should really level with Ted since he is also Justin's accountant but since you didn't allow me. Ted, the reason that Michael desperately needs me to speak to Justin for him is because Michael already promised Brett and Connor that Justin would do it even after Justin told him no. There, Michael, was the truth so hard to get out?"

"Michael, why would you do something like that?" Ted was appalled. He knew the full extent of Justin's finances and businesses and although he couldn't and would divulge that information to Michael, it was purely unethical for him to treat Justin as if his protestations didn't matter.

"Look, Ted they asked before I had even had the first conversation with Justin. It was an opportunity I thought he would jump at since it's not like he's famous or anything. I was doing him a favor."

"Oh sort of like the favor he did you by literally making you an industry?" Emmett chimed in. "You know, Michael, you should probably use that fancy computer of yours to do more than look at comic books or porn. Never mind, I have a smart phone. So I'll just type in ‘Justin Taylor' and let's see what comes up."

Emmett handed the phone to Michael, watching in satisfaction as his eyes widened. The other three at the table already knew most of what was written especially Brian and Ted since they basically lived and breathed Justin's business ventures. But since Emmett was much in the same predicament as Justin in building a business from the ground up, he used Justin as inspiration and so kept up with all of his appearances and accounts acquired. The boy- man- was doing his thing and still managed to build Michael a lucrative business in the process whether Michael appreciated it or not.

"Well this proves it," Michael said.

"What? What does it prove, Michael?" Ted asked genuinely confused.

"That you really can't trust anything found on the Internet. So Brian, when are you going to speak to Justin for me?"

The three of them burst out laughing and shaking their heads. "How about when hell freezes over and Satan regains his wings. I gotta go. Ted we have a meeting in about an hour. I know I don't have to tell you not to be late. Leo Brown is coming into the office. Did you leave the work-up on my desk?"

"Yeah, Bri they're there. I detailed a few items you may want to address personally with Cynthia. She agrees with me but you may want to get her thoughts on why personally."

"I'll do that. In the meantime, Emmett enjoy your meeting with Charlene and Liz. Leo's daughter is a real gem but she is her father's daughter through and through. She's known her husband-to-be since they were in grade school and is a lot like Daph and Justin without the whole gay/ fag-hag vibe. But they like take charge people- people not afraid to tell them the truth at all costs. So keep the flamboyance to a minimum but let the Queenery out in its full glory."

"Thanks for the advice, Brian and for the recommendation."

Brian held up his hand. "His wife remembered your work from the Auerbach opening and the reopening of Bloom's all those years ago and then Leo remembered the Kinnetik opening. You might want to thank Drew."

"Drew? Why?"

"After Leo reinstated Drew's original contract, they became good friends. He may not understand gay people but he respects those who love without reservation for societal convention. He and Charlene have a history similar to mine and Justin's only they live in Heteroville instead of Homo Village. Anyway, ask Drew for the rest of the story. You'll be surprised by what you may hear. Oh and fuck him to within an inch of his life or better yet let him fuck you to within an inch of yours Emmie-Lou. Later."

 

After Brian left, Michael resumed his complaints of how it isn't fair that he won't help him with Justin.

"We have to go, Emmett," Ted said. "It won't do for you nor I to be late. I personally don't need a new asshole so I would prefer for Brian not to chew me one. Michael, I wish you luck with all of this but you really have to fix it yourself. There isn't anything that Brian nor I can do."

Michael sat there, arms folded wondering how he was going to handle the mess he'd gotten himself in. Well he had until the 29th to figure it all out but hell or high-water he was going to be in that meeting.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Gift of Goodbye- Four-Seasons Hotel NYC

"If you tie and untie that fucking tie again, I'll strangle you with it," Brian said calmly as he watched his lover stress and obsess over the offending object.

There was no question that Justin was nervous. In fact, it was his ritual to find something to fixate on beforehand to get all of the anxiety within him out before conducting meetings or anything else of importance. But when it was time to stand and deliver, Justin did it with class and ease. Brian could never understand it but if it got Justin the desired results, he didn't have to. The problem was that today's fixation was the tie he'd helped Justin not a half hour before. He was sure that if Justin had been at his loft in Dumbo, the place would be spotless but Justin would find the non-existent dust.

"How the fuck can you be so damn calm?" Justin asked petulantly.

"Masturbation. It works wonders and by focusing constantly on the blow job you gave me in the shower. The sight of you on your knees..."

Justin laughed. "You fucking perv. You're such a dirty old man."

"But that's why you like me," Brian said as he put the finishing touch on his own tie. He turned from the mirror to look at Justin. "Come here," he said softly. Reaching out when Justin finally reached him from across the hotel room, he enfolded the younger man in his arms. Brian lowered his head until Justin looked into his eyes before he kissed him slowly and thoroughly until he heard the slight whimper and Justin relaxed against him. Only then did he raise his head again. "You're going to be fine. Stop anticipating the worse of what you know won't happen. Focus!" And he tied the tie again. When Justin went to reach for it, Brian lifted a single eyebrow causing Justin to shake his head and laugh.

"I hate you, you know."

"No you don't. You love me but seriously you're acting worse than Gus when he has to wear a suit."

"I don't know how you live in these fucking things."

"You'll get used to it. You're going to have to if your business keeps growing the way it has been. You can't very well be thirty years old and rock Hobo-chic wear while negotiating million dollar deals for yourself."

"That image is the reason I never went to Dartmouth."

"You didn't need Dartmouth. It would have been a waste of your time and talents. You just have to remember that you're capable of everything being thrown at you now."

"I do but I have a hard time saying no or disappointing people you know that."

"Yet you have no problem telling me no."

"You don't count. I've seen you naked," Justin joked.

Brian laughed. "Likewise, Sunshine. And if I'm not mistaken you've also seen Connor James naked so that statement doesn't signify. But seriously, you're only human. You said it yourself that of anyone would understand what you're building it would be Brett and Connor. So what's really wrong?"

"Just nerves I guess."

"Well get over them. You're probably the most capable man I've met- other than myself of course."

Again he caused Justin to laugh. "Oh yes, of course, Mr. Kinney. Anyway, I know I'm doing the right thing in turning it down and even managing to save Michael's lying ass in the process by taking it all on me. But he won't see it that way at all. So you be prepared for a massive tantrum when you get back to the Pitts."

"I can handle Mikey but you might want to ignore his calls for awhile., delete all emails before reading them and don't listen to any of his voicemails. So how do I look?"

"Like a million bucks."

"Hey. Don't sell me short," Brian said smiling. "And for the record you look pretty fucking hot in that suit."

"Really? How hot?"

"I'd fuck you."

"You already do and well I might add," Justin said as he put his arms around Brian's neck and pressed his lips against it.

"If you don't stop that, we'll both be late for our meetings."

"No chance of skipping them, huh?" Brian's hazel eyes frowned into his own. "Oh alright, Killjoy Kinney, let's go," Justin said causing Brian to chuckle behind him.

 

They walked into the dining room of the hotel, pausing at the entrance to wait for the hostess. Justin noticed the discreet and not-so-discreet glances being given them but one particular glance caught his attention.

"What is it?" Brian asked so attuned to his partner that he didn't even have to look or touch him to know something was increasingly wrong.

Justin lowered his voice while turning to look Brian straight in the eye. "Did you know he'd be here?"

"Who? I don't see Duffy and his son-in-law yet and although I don't remember what Keller looks like, I don't see Connor James."

"They aren't here yet but your best friend is." Fuck!

"Sunshine, don't you think if I knew, I would have told you?"

Justin examined Brian's intense gaze. He knew Brian would have told him but sometimes Brian tuned out when Michael spoke or tended to hear things subconsciously that he immediately disregarded if he deemed it unimportant. Justin could see that this wasn't one of those times.

"Well there's no help for it now at any rate. Might as well get what has just become the hardest part of this over with."

"Do you want me to come?"

"Later," Justin said smiling and Brian wiggled his eyebrows. "But it would seem a little strange if you didn't at least go and say hello. Don't you think?"

Brian nodded and rolled his eyes skyward briefly, hating to acknowledge that Justin was correct. "I suppose it's best to get the scene over with now before he really causes a scene later."

As they headed toward the table with the lone occupant, Justin asked the hostess if she could let them know the minute Charles Duffy came in. She nodded and they moved off reluctantly to greet Michael. He started in right away.

"Brian! What are you doing here?"

"Funny. I was about ask you the same thing."

"As was I Michael," Justin said, displeasure clearly written across his features.

Brian placed a discreet but proprietary touch at the base of his spine which immediately calmed him but it didn't take away his anger in the least. Michael's smug answer didn't help matters in the slightest.

"Well since this is regarding Rage and we'll be working on the movie together, I thought I should be included."

At first Justin just looked. He was angry but also stunned speechless. Brian for his part, looked away with a tongue-in-cheek expression while keeping his palm in the same position it had been. When Justin finally spoke, it caused Brian to look at him intently. He knew that deadly calm voice as well as his own. Fuck. Shit. Damn, Mikey.

"So you took it upon yourself to invite yourself to a meeting that you know full and well will not have the results you want?" Justin took a deep breath before continuing. "Michael, you know there isn't going to be a movie made at this time. I told you that I would NOT be participating in anything regarding the franchise again. You knew that so again, why. Are. You. Here?"

"I've already told Brett and Connor that you would do it."

"You what?" Justin's sharp voice drew a few quizzical glances from nearby patrons and he immediately brought his tone level again. "Michael, you had no right to speak for me. In addition to that, you knew the answer before this was even brought to you. You could have saved yourself and me a lot of trouble. Now once again, someone will have to fix the mess you created."

"Why don't you just do it, Justin? It's not like you have anything better to do. Or are you fucking Brian again and getting paid for it this time?"

Justin was about to answer Michael but Brian saved him the trouble. "You know, Mikey, your accusation is not only misinformed and misguided but slanderous. You should really watch yourself."

"Once again you step in to defend the fucking and sucking twink. And you never did answer my question of what you were doing here...with him?"

"That's because like most things, Michael, it isn't any of your fucking business," Justin said. "For the record, Brian and I are here for a separate meeting in addition to this one. Now I will tell you this once more because apparently you have become hard of hearing. I'm not doing it. I was going to say that I might in the future but thanks to your own disparaging comments about this ‘fucking and sucking twink' you can now kiss the opportunity goodbye for good. I will NOT under any circumstance work with you again."

"Hey guys, what's going on?"

The three of them were so engrossed in their conversation that neither heard nor saw Brett and Connor's approach. Justin recovered first.

"Brett. Connor. It's good to see both of you again." He extended his hand, all business. "You remember Brian, Brett I'm sure but Connor had never met him."

WASP manners on full display, Justin took charge of the meeting making the necessary introductions and deliberately ignoring Michael in a fashion that he couldn't be sure he was being slighted. Brian knew all too well what that felt like having been on the receiving end of Justin's cold shoulder more than once. He inwardly chuckled in relief that it wasn't him this time. The waiter came over to take their drink orders and the meeting commenced in earnest.

Brian let a lot of the formalities of the conversation flow over him. Justin was amazing in making sure that Brett and Connor were taken care of and advised that although he would probably have to cut lunch a little short due to another meeting, he would cover lunch. But he couldn't lie to himself and say that he was entirely comfortable being at the table with Connor James. The intense way that Connor watched Justin pissed Brian off. Once again Brian could lay the lesbianic feelings at Justin's door. Brian Kinney did NOT do jealousy. But then it was the knowledge that Justin had let Connor inside of him. At base he couldn't blame the man for wanting a repeat performance. Justin was an amazing fuck- attentive, tight, insatiable. Brian was positive that Justin didn't even bottom for that Gold character but...

Justin, picking up on Brian's sudden mood change, placed a soothing hand on Brian's thigh. He knew what Brian was thinking and remembering. He threw a reassuring smile his way and felt Brian relax instantly. He was even more glad for their ability to communicate without words. Looks, touches and eye contact always said more than vocal reassurances for them.

You don't have anything to worry about, you know?

Yeah. I know, Sunshine.

Then stop thinking about it and pay attention. I need you.

The slight nod was enough of an acknowledgment for Justin that Brian understood.

"It's crazy that even after all these years you guys make such a stunning couple," Brett remarked.

Michael scoffed but Brian silenced him with a look. Justin took the time to address Brett. "You know our policy on relationships, Brett."

"Ah- that's right. The art of the non-relationship. Perhaps I should try that."

Connor laughed. "Except that his boyfriend won't let him." Then he threw Brett a heated look.

"No way. You two finally made it official?" Justin asked. He'd always suspected that it there was hidden meaning and innuendos in their interactions.

"Yeah. It's official privately but you know the Hollywood game. But we're still in an open-relationship," Connor said deliberately.

It was not lost on Brian but it was consciously ignored by Justin. No fucking way. "Yeah I remember it all too well. Which brings us to the reason you guys are here in New York in suits."

"Have you given any more thought to the proposal, Justin?" Brett asked. "I know you're extremely busy lately. I caught the show in L.A. last year. You do pretty fucking amazing work, my friend. I bought the three mixed-media pieces. Fucking phenomenal. I couldn't resist spending the obscene amount for them. And even though one by itself was amazing, I couldn't not have the entire collection. In fact their being used in V-Men."

Justin smiled brightly at Brett. Those three pieces totaled to almost fifty grand. "Well I'm glad you're enjoying them. I did those right after I came back from London and they were the last collection to be put together. Found a lot of inspiration there at the Gallery and riding the London Eye." Yep , giving Brian a blowjob in broad daylight over looking London as far as the eye could see was definitely inspirational. Brian squeezed his thigh as if he heard the thought and Justin's already wide smile broadened marginally while Brian chuckled low.

"So what's next for you?"

"Another show in L.A., one in Milan and I'm going back to London for a show. Also since the Toronto show was canceled this year and arranged for the same time next year, I picked up a few commission and of course JT Designs has picked up a few new accounts, your company KellJay is included in those. Which is why I can't devote myself to making Rage into a movie right now. I would have if I could spare the time but at this rate... it's just not possible. In fact there's a joint account between Kinnetik- Brian's company- and JT Designs that's going to be discussed today regarding childhood diabetes."

"Although, we're disappointed, we both understand," Connor said. "We've heard of the buzz you created long before the show last year. In fact quite a few of our mutual friends have had paintings created by you. There was a collection of three when you first came out that I wanted but someone beat me to them."

"Really? Which ones?" Justin was genuinely curious. He'd never pegged Connor for an art enthusiast. Brett certainly, but never Connor James action hero extraordinaire.

"They were titled Until Then, Aftermath and Journey. I knew you were talented but those three, they reached out from wherever you painted them from and gripped the viewer immediately."

"Thank you so much, Connor. It's nice to know that they were appreciated. Those three were especially special to me and some of the hardest to let go of," Justin said quietly and felt Brian's hand grip his briefly.

"I'll bet they were. But listen, let's revisit this Rage idea in a couple of years. It's a movie that deserves to be made and since it's roughly based on you guys' story which is compelling in itself, it deserves all of our full-attention. Agreed?"

"Agreed," Justin said.

"Michael, does that work for you as well?" Brett asked.

"Since you all are so busy, I guess it has to," Michael said.

Either Brett and Connor deliberately ignored the bitterness in Michael's voice or they didn't know him well enough to detect it. But Brian did and he couldn't sit there any longer and not speak on it. "Michael, a word?"

Rising from his seat abruptly, he felt Justin tug gently at his pant leg. When he bent down to hear what Justin said, he was so fucking tempted to kiss him. He knew Brett and Connor were together and maybe would have considered a foursome with them a year ago since both men were attractive with blue eyes- not as blue as Justin's- and were obviously fit. But no. Justin was his! Whereas Brian Kinney was not adverse to sharing men before, he was NOT sharing Justin. It was different if he came upon Justin fucking someone and decided to fuck Justin while he was doing the other guy. That was different but to willing swap Justin for another guy- those days were over. Brian really didn't know how to process the newfound jealous and possessive streaks within himself but Michael was about to bear the brunt of his annoyance because of it.

Moving to the quickly to the vestibule of the restaurant, he calmly but hastily led Michael to the outside entrance. Pulling a cigarette out of the inside of his suit jacket, he slowly lit it and drew a few calming puffs from it before he finally spoke. "What the fuck is your problem, Mikey?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," came the whiny reply.

"Don't bullshit me, Michael. I know you. What is it this time? Jealousy? Envy? What? From where I'm standing you should be overjoyed."

"Yeah and why is that?"

"Well now you don't have to worry that Justin is here with me for my money. Wasn't that the first assumption you made when you saw us enter the restaurant? That's what you said, isn't it?"

"What the fuck is going on with you, Brian? Are you back with Justin? Didn't you learn anything from the last time he left you?"

Oh yeah. I learned a lot then and learning even more now. Instead of voicing that thought he said what he had told Michael what he always told Michael. "It's none of your fucking business, Michael. Do I ask what you and the Professor do?"

"That's different and you know it."

"Do I? No- I DON'T and you want to know why....because it's not my business." Brian shrugged nonchalantly but he felt everything but indifferent.

"Look I gotta go. My plane is leaving soon."

"Okay. I'll say good-bye to Brett, Connor and Justin for you." Brian moved to hail a cab which stopped almost immediately. "I'll call you when I get back. Maybe we'll go for a drink or something."

"Alright."

"Have a safe trip home, Mikey," Brian said.

 

When he arrived back at the table Justin asked, "Where's Michael?"

Brian leaned over and kissed Justin full on the mouth, not caring that Brett and Connor were still at the table. A little moan escaped him at the taste of his lover's plush lips and his relief that they didn't have to pretend for Michael's sake anymore. "Zephyr is on his way home." And Brian kissed Justin's smiling lips, his message received loud and clear.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

New Me, Old You- December 2012/ January 2013

Brian's POV

I have to admit....sometimes I really love Skype but there are nights like tonight that I hate the fucking thing. It worked perfectly for me to say Happy New Year in advance to Sonny Boy. He can never stay awake long enough to see midnight. That hasn't changed since he was a baby. I suppose I should be thankful for that one consistency in my life. My ‘wrinkled little time-clock' is growing up so damn fast. Hard to believe he's twelve but that's enough of that otherwise I'll be tempted to take every drug with an alphabet as its name and I've pretty much given up those. I still indulge occasionally but it's a lot less than it used to be... A LOT less. It's kinda weird but a good weird in that I don't feel like I need to be detached as much.

 

I don't really like or celebrate holidays but this one is kind of special. And it would be even better if I could reach that fucking twink on Skype but I can't. It's almost five in the morning in Milan, which is where he is. I wish I could've answered the phone when he called earlier but I was securing the Outrigger Hotels account. By the time I called him back, the circuits were busy there. Now they're busy here-everyone wishing everyone else a Happy New Year. This is the first time since he's left the Pitts that I haven't spoken to him on New Year's Eve. It's weird. I don't exactly believe in luck or any of that other horseshit people put their faith in but Justin and Gus have been the two things in my life I've done right. Sure Justin and I have had a bumpy road and it's bound to get worse but first and foremost, I consider him a friend- a true, non-judgmental, in-it-for-me-not-what-he-can-get-friend. That alone makes knowing him worthwhile to me. Fucking him into the mattress...or on the table...or through the damn floor ...or against the fridge or- okay Kinney-DAMN!- is the added benefit.

 

Reaching for my cell, I can't help the slight hitch in my breathing when it reads ‘New Message- Justin.' What the actual fuck??? These past six months we have literally been reduced to missed calls, horny emails and text messages, quickie business calls and the occasional voice call which are few and far between. Skype as much as it had been apart of our daily routine isn't always so convenient right now.

 

Justin: Hey Brian! Happy New year! I've been trying to get through for hours without luck. Hopefully this has gotten through.

Brian: Hey there, Sunshine. Happy New Year to you, too! Obviously it's gotten through if I'm texting you back. Sorry I couldn't answer the phone earlier. Kinnetik got the Outrigger account so we were working out the details. How's Milan?

Justin: Congrats on the Outrigger account "Billionaire Brian!" Are you sure you really want to know how Milan is for me?

Brian: Well I asked, didn't I?

Justin: Fine but don't say I didn't warn you. I'm lonely as FUCK in this beautiful city. I miss you (wasn't this one of the things we said we would never tell each other because it solves nothing- but you had to ask), I'm also horny and I can't bring myself to want to indulge even though most of the guys I've seen are porn-worthy.

This shouldn't bring a smile to my face but it does. A BIG fucking smile.

Brian: Aw.. Poor Widdle Sunshine can't get his dick sucked tonight...LOL

Justin: Asshole...LOL Did I mention that I sooo hate you right now?! You're probably all fucked up and fucked out.

Brian: Nope. Not fucked up and for the moment fuck-less.

Justin: What?! Are you alright? What's wrong?

Justin: Brian Kinney NOT fucking is a scary motherfucking thing!

Justin: Shit I need to get the first plane out of here!

Justin: Seriously, are you OKAY?

Justin: Goddammit, Brian! Type something!! Anything!! Oh Fuck!

Now I know I shouldn't laugh but I kinda can't help it at this point. Who knew me NOT fucking would send Justin into hysterics.

Brian: Sunshine, everything is FINE!! I would have typed that four texts ago except you would let me type a word edgewise.

Justin: Then why aren't you making your nightly tribute at Babylon? What's wrong, Brian?

Brian: Nothing. Seriously. There just wasn't anyone that I wanted to do there tonight. Besides I didn't really want to be there. I went to appease the guys but then I came home. I had been trying to call you.

Justin: So it's my fault? ;-) Okay I'll accept full responsibility for your fuck-less state.

Brian: LOL! I thought you might after all you're so gracious.

Justin: Will you please take your tongue out of your cheek? You know what the image does to me.

Brian: Why do you think I do it?

How crazy is it that he knew I was doing that when most of the time I don't even realize it.

Justin: Because you're orally fixated. You always have to be doing something with your mouth. I can think of a few better things you can do with your tongue than molest the inside of your cheek or that bottom lip you probably have caught between your teeth as you wait for me to send this. Or you're probably biting the tip of your thumb right now.

I couldn't help but laugh. Yeah I did all of that. It's sometimes still unnerving to think he's been observing me over these years as closely as I have him.

Justin: So what are you wearing?

Ah- Sexting...it's gonna be a fun night!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Daphne's New Groove- April 2013- NYC/Dumbo

"I feel like I barely see you anymore, Daph." Justin said over the breakfast nook at his Loft.

"And whose fault is that ‘Captain Kirk'? Your distant time zone traveling ass is barely in New York anymore. I thought the plan was for you to stay put for awhile when you had this place remodeled."

This was the first time they were able to catch up since the New Year. With his schedule and Daphne building her career as a trauma surgeon, they barely had time to speak on the phone three times a week, let alone see each other, but their friendship was as tight as it's ever been.

"That was the plan. But you know what the Yiddish say."

"Yeah. Man plans, God laughs. He must be in fucking hysterics at my life right now. I thought that things would be more level once I graduated and completed my residency but the competition is fierce and as the only woman, there's no time to stop proving myself."

"But it's what you've always wanted, isn't it?"

"Yeah, Justin which is why you should be careful what you wish for." She took a sip of the fresh-brewed coffee. "It isn't that I don't like my job or love what I do because I do. There is nothing like knowing that you can help someone. It's that I barely have time for myself most days. Hell when I finally do sleep, I'm waking myself up reciting medical terminology."

Justin laughed. "Well then all the torturous nights you kept me up grilling you on med terms has paid off in spades."

"Shut up, Asshole," she said chuckling at the shared memory. "Anyway, Steve is pissed because I literally work myself into a coma. Someone could mummify me and I wouldn't know the damn difference while I'm asleep. We went to a movie the other night and I didn't make it past the dancing hot dog and bun preview."

"Damn, Daph. That's in what- the first thirty seconds of the previews?"

"Exactly, Jus. And it's not the first time."

"So why are you here, instead of spending time with your man on your first Saturday off since February?"

"He went to some wedding. I think Drew Boyd's ex is getting married today. I forget how Steve told me he and Drew met."

"I wonder if Em is with him. I know they were trying to get back together but you know Emmett."

"Yeah. Impulsive with everything except his catering business and Drew. How do you think the sex is seeming how he was publicly straight for a long time?"

"Daph...the mechanics for the bottom is a bit different but a top is a top no matter the gender beneath them and a hole is a hole. The method of entry is just... different."

"Daphne giggled. "I always wondered. I mean I'm in medicine so I know the basic mechanics but..."

"But what?"

"The prostate...is it really the male g-spot?"

"Hell YEAH! It is! And if the person knows what they're doing it should have the same effect as when your g-spot is mercilessly tormented." Justin looked up from his cup just then when she looked at him quizzically. "Wait, Daph...you've never..."

"Of course, I have but that was a long time ago."

"At the risk of sounding like a nosy fuck- but remember you opened this door- when was the last time you uh...uh..."

"Had a full body orgasm? You can say it, Justin. Hell I have no illusions left in my life thanks to walking in on you and Brian countless times."

"You know you enjoyed the sight." They laughed, each remembering the shocked, horrified, reluctantly intrigued and thoroughly embarrassed look on her face when she first saw Brian and Justin fucking hard in the elevator at the Loft. Poor Daph wanted to look away and couldn't. No Daph couldn't have any illusion left being part of Brian and Justin's world. "So? Answer the question."

"I fucking hate you, Justin. " She shook her head. "To answer your question, not since high school."

"But Daph...oh my God! You can't be serious!"

"Sadly I am. Lance was mediocre at best which is ANOTHER reason why his mother should have sucked and swallowed. Do you know that fucker actually said that fucking was for a man's pleasure and a woman should just lay still and take it. I mean, what the actual fuck?!"

Justin damn near choked on his coffee from laughing. "Yeah. That hillbilly had to fucking go. I still can't believe you told him he should have been swallowed though. Damn that was one for the record books, Daph."

"It's true. Idiots like him are a waste to the population and a detriment to independent women everywhere. They shouldn't be allowed to breed."

"So how is Steve?"

"I suppose he's fine. He's at the wedding remember."

Justin lifted an eyebrow. "Daphne you know good and hell well what I'm talking about."

She sighed heavily before answering. "See the thing is Jus... I work so much and he's a doctor, too although not in my branch of medicine."

"So you haven't fucked yet, is what you're saying?"

She nodded. "And that's where most of our problem is I think. It's not that I don't want to. In fact, I want to so much it's probably why I'm such a bitch at work. But on my days off I'm fucking exhausted. Once I lay down, that's it for me. I'm sleep."

"Who says sex has to be limited to the bedroom? You can fuck anywhere."

"No you can't. It's different for a woman."

"I wouldn't know." Justin cringed and was thankful in that moment that he was a man. "I'm sure Mel has fucked just about anywhere courtesy of her former relationship with Leda. Not sure about Lindz though. She's a WASP through and through."

"Hey so are you."

"I may have been raised one but being Brian's partner doesn't exactly inspire restraint." He smiled wide.

She smiled back. "I don't imagine it does ‘elevator boy.'"

"And London Eye boy and backroom boy and-"

"I get it, Perv." She laughed. "So what should I do?"

"Get somewhere where sleep is not an option and fuck his brains out. Jeez, haven't you learned anything from hanging with Brian and I?"

"Yeah, to walk around with blinders on and call out three times before entering a room with the potential for you two fuck like it's going to be outlawed in an hour. In the meantime, you never did tell me about the backlash from the meeting last year with Brett and Connor. How did Brian do?"

Justin couldn't help but laugh as he rehashed all the details leading up to Brian's very public claiming once Michael left.

"It was funny and a bit unnerving to see Brian jealous. The last time that happened it was during the "Ethan" nightmare but that was also different. He knew that I would be back. If he was jealous at all of Ethan it wasn't because of the potential to keep me or satisfy me sexually. Ethan was a cute kid capable of meaningless prose and bullshit."

"I could've told you that and he was intriguing to look at in the way a sewer rat is but he wasn't cute," Daphne mumbled and Justin laughed.

" You were just a Brian fangirl to your heart, not that I blame you. No one would have measured up in appearance. Anyway, Connor was a man- a good looking man- when I met him and he was a movie star. At the time I fucked Connor, Brian thought that I wasn't coming back even after the movie was done. So the idea that Connor had fucked me and still wanted to raised Brian's hackles a bit but he had nothing to worry about in that quarter. I wouldn't jeopardize what I have going with Brian for Connor in a million years. And yes it would just be scratching the proverbial itch which I do often when deprived of who I really want, but I couldn't do that again with someone like Connor. Besides Brian and I have a ‘no kissing' and ‘no bottoming' rule so even if I was inclined to fuck Connor again- which I most certainly am not- it couldn't happen because of my commitment to Brian."

"So do you think Michael knows that you and Brian have been going on all this time?"

"I don't think so. Brian and I have several joint business ventures going. Of course, I had the meeting with Brett and Connor- or should I say KellJay Productions because I also designed their logo- a meeting which Michael was not supposed to be there at all. But later that same afternoon Brian and I had another meeting right after. Michael was made aware of that. I'm not sure if he saw the rest of what was happening with Brian and I. Our non-verbal communication is just as strong- if not more so- than what we say. Brett and Connor remarked on it after Michael had left to catch his flight of which both Brian and I were relieved. It's like all the air gets sucked out of a room when he's around lately. And of course it was the same old song and dance with him about Brian's money and how I'm a whore."

"He's such a twat. I still don't understand how Brian can be friends with him."

Justin shrugged. "Their history is long and varied. When they had nobody else, they had each other. So that means something. In any event, Brett and Connor are fans of my work so I think that helped to quell anymore of Michael's slyly delivered digs at me. It's why they insisted that if the movie gets made that they wouldn't work with any other illustrator but me. A fact that gives Michael even more reason to be pissed off."

"All because you wouldn't work on the comic book?"

"Michael viewed it as a personal slight but then Brian and I had expected that. Brett and Connor understood though and to me that was most important. Truthfully, I've done enough for Michael and the franchise. He's a business owner in his own right and the sole distributor of the Rage comics. There really is no reason for him to disparage my character. He wanted JT and Zephyr's partner killed off, I did it so that it would free me from the obligation of having to work with him again. But now he wants a new issue showing Rage and Zephyr in a relationship like Rage and JT. I'm not drawing that. First off I can't imagine it. Secondly, I told Michael that the last issue I would draw was the one that killed off mine and Ben's characters. I advised him to find someone else who can follow the blueprint I set to the letter but he's unwilling to do that and I won't be backed into a corner. Hell if I didn't sacrifice my business ventures to be with Brian, what the hell made Michael believe I would do it for him?"

"Honestly, I think something is wrong with him. Not just because he's a weasel in human form but clinically."

"I know, Daph. I've had the same thoughts from time to time but it's not my place to say anything. I just do what I'm going to do and leave Michael to those who actually love him but I can't fix their denial. I won't even try."

"Well for what it's worth, Justin, I'm proud of you and even prouder to call you my best friend."

"Thanks, Daph. I feel the same way about you. Why don't we veg out and watch a couple of movies since neither of us know when we'll be able to relax again? I promise not to get pissed if you fall asleep on me." Justin batted his long eyelashes as Daphne laughed. She really did love the blond pain in the ass.

"Sounds great. I'll get the popcorn going, you order the pizza."

And they set out to make the most of their short time together; knowing that success would be calling them again all too soon.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin's Journal- August 23rd 2013

Since this is the only real place I can be honest, let me be JUST that. I am dreading the Toronto trip. The show I am actually looking forward to. Since the original show was canceled last year, I've added nine more pieces to the collection for an even twenty. Not bad, even with all the other things I've had going on. The problem is that I really don't want to stay at Mel and Lindsey's place. I know they have the room but I don't want to be hounded every minute of the day. Sometimes I just need to breathe without having to explain why I'm doing so. With Mel being a lawyer she has this concrete reasoning thing with her- that everything MUST have rhyme and a reason. In my case it's when I'm able to just be still and silent that inspiration hits me and helps me to regroup and refocus. Sadly, I can't tell them that because it's their house. Either way I'm keeping my room at the Ritz just in case because with them, you just never know.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Trouble Brewing in Toronto- September 2013

"You think you could have asked me first, Lindsey?"

"Why would you ever imagine that I would have since I live here, too. Besides, Justin is our friend and you've never had a problem with him staying with us before."

"I have a new case and having a guest, with the kids running around... it was just really inconsiderate of you, Lindz."

Lindsey turned a look of pure vitriol on Melanie but calmly said, "I can't see why it would bother you at all. The kids sure don't or the fact that everything is done by the time you get home from work or the fact that you get to work your job at a full schedule while I get to be your live-in nanny. Now, since Justin's show is at the gallery I work at part-time, and he was asked to do it, I felt that he should stay with us. If you have a problem with that, tough titty. The end."

 

Melanie blew out a deep sigh. Lindsey just didn't get it. The only good thing about this week was that Brian wouldn't be coming for Gus' birthday because he was in Hawaii on business. Jesus what a life. I work my ass off and can barely afford to pay my share of the expenses. Yet he gets to fucking go to Hawaii whenever he goddamn wants, probably fucking and sucking the entire time. Asshole. She dared not voice such sentiments to Lindsey. She would just defend him as she always did.

 

There was no question that she was proud of Justin. In her opinion the best thing he ever did was drop Brian and pursue his own goals which he came damn close to giving up to be Mr. Justin Kinney. She still couldn't believe that Brian proposed in the first place but he would have just dragged Justin down; made him an extension of himself. As it was, according to Michael and Lindsey, they had some business dealings. Melanie already had one little Brian Kinney roaming the halls of the Tudor-style two story house, she didn't need a second one. She headed to her office at the back of the house and slammed the door.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Let the games begin- Toronto- September 12th 2013

Lindsey was just taking the pot roast out of the oven when the doorbell rang. Shucking off her apron, she finger combed her hair and smoothed her clothing. Gus and JR was due back in about a half hour and she wanted to have Justin settled in by that time. Lindsey's day was always planned down to the nanosecond so everything should be timed perfectly.

 

She gave one more check of the furniture on her way from the kitchen. She was extremely excited to be entertaining someone other than her kids and their friends. The fact that it was Justin was an added bonus. She hadn't seen him in years except by way of articles. She smiled to herself thinking of how far he'd come since that first art show at the Gay and Lesbian Center she encouraged him to enter thirteen years ago. Gus was newly born and Brian was...Brian. She smiled fondly at the memory. They all had come so far in their lives but none further than Justin Taylor.

 

So she was surprised when opened the door and it wasn't the object of her anticipation but the father of her son. Shit. Melanie is going to have a fit.

"Hey Wendy."

"Brian, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be tanning yourself in sunny Hawaii until the end of next week." She returned the kiss to her cheek he leaned over to give her while toting in his suitcase.

"I actually got finished with the campaign a little earlier than scheduled and decided that it would be good to spend the week with Gus before the second leg of the trip commences. I'm not due in Fiji until the first week in October. You kinda don't realize how big the Outrigger Resorts chain is until you actually have to work on it. The only reason I'm going to Fiji is because they just remodeled a section and I need to know how to market it."

"Wow. You're really building up your empire. I can't say I'm not a little jealous."

"Don't be, Lindz. Never that."

"You're achieving everything you set out to achieve, Brian. You can't blame me if I'm just that tiniest bit envious of that."

"It's not too late for you to do what you want, Lindz. You do know that, don't you? You have to be happy with your life, too. You have that right."

"I am. I have a roof over my head and the kids. What's there not to be happy about?"

"If you say so but make sure that you stay happy, not for them but for you. Gus is growing fast and you don't want to be all thumbs when the time comes for him to leave for college- wondering what your life could have been." The doorbell rang again just then. "I'll get it. By the smell in here, you have a "Death by Chocolate" cake in the oven."

Lindsey laughed and looked at her watch. "Your nose amazes me, Brian. That should be the kids home from swim practice. They usually leave their keys home when they go."

"Don't worry about it. Go get my cake." And he hip bumped her toward the kitchen.

 

As she was taking the cake out, she remembered the other person who might have been at the door. Shit! Lindsey rushed out of the kitchen just as Brian opened the door. Then she realized that she wouldn't have wanted to miss this particular sight for the world. The bluest eyes she'd ever seen devoured Brian and she would bet the hazel eyes so like their son's did the same. Time stood still as Lindsey watched the exchange. Although she couldn't hear what was being said, she could feel the instant charge in the air that always, always accompanied Brian and Justin when they were in close proximity. It crackled around them with the thrill of anticipation and radiated outward to those who observed them....unrestrained energy- heavy and addictive in its potency. The minute they touched, the sparks flew and Lindsey couldn't take her eyes from the scene even if she wanted to. The awareness and urgency transfered between them like it was just waiting for them to make contact. And they did. It was poignant and sweet and sexy and Lindsey found herself wishing for it.

 

"Lindz, did I hear the doorbe- oh my God. What the hell is he doing here?"

"He's staying the week. The first leg of his campaign finished a little early so he came up. I told him he could stay here." Lindsey smiled benignly although she felt anything but.

"And Justin? Does that mean you're going to send him to a hotel?"

"Melanie, look a little closer at the scene before you and tell me if you think I should send Justin to a hotel."

It was then that Melanie noticed who Brian was kissing in earnest. Justin Taylor was always beautiful but his features had matured in a way that added to that beauty. Chiseled chin, built-up frame and his hair....sunshine gold and wheat- in a word: stunning. She watched as Brian and Justin finally released each other. His cerulean blue eyes once again looked into Brian's face and that mega-watt smile they all loved was firmly in place. The red of his kiss-swollen lips matching the pink tint of arousal evident in his face.

"Brian, you ass, let him go so he can actually greet the people who live here," Melanie said as she shoved him to the side to embrace Justin. "It's great to see you, honey. My God, look at you! All grown up."

"Yep. And yet I kept my youthful beauty," Justin joked. "I know it's kind of hard to believe I'm a little older than you all were when we all met."

Lindsey put her arms around him and squeezed him tight. "And we are so proud of all you're doing and becoming. Success looks good on you, Justin."

"Aw thanks, Lindz. Oh and I have something for you later. I have to get it out of the car. Remind me to give it to you on the way to the gallery. By the way, has any of the shipment arrived yet?"

She nodded. "Just this morning but there's no rush. How many are we expecting?"

"Twenty altogether. I only put two per crate because a couple of them are massive."

"Wow! That's incredible! I thought it was just going to be the original eleven."

"I had started more when I came back from London last year so I finished those and decided to add them to this show instead of display them in L.A. and Milan at the beginning of the year. The other shows sold out so it was kinda providence that I had already worked those up and finished them."

"I'll say. And how's the business thriving?" She ushered them all to the living room. Lindz was extremely excited to hear about it. The last time Justin had visited it was only an idea and he managed to make it a lucrative business.

"JT Designs is doing exceeding all of my expectations and I'd like to thank both you and Brian for that. I remember when you and I talked about it, Lindz and then you passed the info onto Brian. The clients that you both referred are still with me and it's working out well. I've even managed to hire more staff which my agent is extremely happy about so that he can bug the hell out of me whenever he feels like it and I'll actually pick up my cell phone."

"Which reminds me, I'd better check in the with office. Duffy is sending over some paperwork that requires our signatures, Justin."

"Tell Cynthia to email it if he faxed it. I bought my computer and travel printer. Then we can fax it back directly. It seems I can't travel without the damn things lately."

"Wait. You two are on a business venture together?" Melanie asked. "I thought you were doing Rage."

Justin smiled knowing exactly where she'd gotten her misinformation from and why. He passed a look to Brian: Here we go... "No. I met with Brett, Connor and Michael and explained why it wasn't possible for me to accommodate the scheduling. They wanted to start in March of this coming year. Between all of the shows, JT Designs and other business ventures- including a newly acquired real estate company- I simply can't do it. I told them maybe in a few years but that's not a guarantee either since technically ‘Justin Taylor' is an industry now a lot like the Kinnetik, Corporation. Speaking of which, Brian you should put all call into Myrna. She had some questions about the last contracts you sent over. I told her to call Legal but she said she wanted to ask you directly rather than go through two million of the suits you have working for you when she'd just end up speaking to you directly anyway. Based on what she said, I take it Maserati is up for renewal?"

Brian nodded his head. "Very good, Grasshopper. You're timeline as always is exact. They want to renew the copyrighted work but that's up to you. I'll put the call into her first so that if the contract needs revising, I can have Cynthia and Ted work the sledgehammer in the form of pink slips."

Justin laughed. "Idiot. You know you're not going to fire anyone if it doesn't cost you money but time is of the essence on this one. The deadline is next week. So if you're going to secure my copyright for another two years, you should listen to the terms and conditions very, very closely." He finished with a huge smile.

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing. It's just that my fee has increased slightly."

"How slight is slight?"

"It's now a total of five percent on the shared profits which would put my share at the original twenty percent I asked for and ten percent on my fee. The fee of course is non-negotiable but the shared profits is as long as it increases since it's been two years at a consistent build, Mr. Kinney. Any questions from my end?"

"You do drive a hard bargain, Mr. Taylor."

"I learned from the Master. Myrna has some other questions though which also include info from the other joint ventures."

Melanie and Lindsey listened attentively as Brian and Justin conducted business as if they were partners of long-standing. Technically they were but their dynamic had changed drastically. It was obvious from their greeting that they still loved and cared for one another but gone was the struggle for dominance since there wasn't a need for one. They weren't in any relationship except where business was concerned.

"Jesus, Justin. Now I understand why you can't afford the time to do Rage anymore," Melanie said. "But I'm a little curious where you got all this knowledge of contracts and percents and... good God, man. I got a little sick just hearing it all. You're as well-versed as Ted."

Justin smiled at the compliment- or at least he took it as such. "I've always had a fundamental knowledge of standard business practices since my dad started his store. It had always been his plan that I take over Taylor Electronics which is why he pushed the issue regarding Dartmouth so hard. But instead I chose to pursue art since technically going to Dartmouth and majoring in business would have been a waste of my time and his money. Sadly, he didn't see it that way. Contrary to popular opinion, when Brian and I were together we had a lot of talks about business especially since part of his job as an Ad Executive was to create a budget to support the idea. Between him, Ted and my personal banker, my natural affinity for business became refined and now I apply it all of my ventures. And no matter how much I may trust my accountant, agent and attorney, I have enough knowledge to go behind them and ask questions if the terms are unclear. It was how I discovered that my first agent was under-negotiating my contracts and then collecting a commission on the back end of my work. Also it was with my current attorney that we discovered a loophole which allowed me to ride out my contract without having to use him and still keep my businesses going. The contract didn't contain and "Exclusivity Clause." It's very similar to the non-competition clause many firms use to keep and employee from double-dipping or delivering trade secrets to another company. Most artists and agents have that clause written in their standard contract. Fortunately for me, I didn't. He made the mistake of thinking that I was innocent and not very bright. Sometimes being a blond has it's advantage. The element of surprise is a gift in my case. He thought that I was automatically going to renew my contract and was sadly mistaken when I refused and advised I had both a new agent and attorney. He was not too happy since even then I was a lucrative client."

"Well I'm glad you two are able to work together without all the drama."

"We have a lot of the same goals where business is concerned which also translates into our lives outside of work."

"So are you seeing anyone?"

Justin smiled. "As a matter of fact, I am. Brian has met him and he likes him." He almost fell over at the incredulous looks on their faces. "We have a semi-open relationship with some rules but nothing too constricting."

"You sound like Brian," Melanie said snidely.

Justin kept his smile in tact. "Being involved with Brian had its perks. Besides I could think of a lot worse people I could sound like. For example: I could sound like Big Bird and Cookie Monster."

Melanie laughed begrudgingly while Lindz laughed outright. "Smartass," said Melanie.

"Hey you've known me for just shy of thirteen years and you're just figuring that out? Besides you love me. I know you do."

"Yeah we do but don't let that knowledge go to your head."

"I won't but one more thing about the Rage comics. If you have let Gus read them at all, do NOT let him read the last issue. Brian freaked out about it so I'm guessing Gus-Gus will do the same."

"We haven't let him read them yet but he's been asking. Why?" Lindz asked genuinely curious.

"Michael demanded that JT and Dr. Ken Kirchner be killed off. It's very graphic- cringe-worthy even. That's part of the reason why Brian freaked out. The other reason was the release date. It was that weekend."

Realization hit Lindsey first; Melanie caught on soon after. "Why would Michael... that's probably the most insensitive thing. But more importantly, why would you agree to it?"

"It was to be free of the franchise. I thought that if I gave Michael the ending he wanted most, which was for Rage and Zephyr to become a couple after their partners died that would be the end of the saga. However, he wants a new issue in which I have blatantly told him no and that he should find another artist to continue with the franchise if that's what he wanted. I'm done with it. I'm only telling you this part of the story so that if you should hear anything to the contrary, you would be able to tell fact from fiction. But mainly to alert you to the potential issue with Gus if he got his hands on the last issue."

"Well thanks for telling us, Jus. That's kinda creepy though, having to draw your own character in that way."

Justin nodded. "Yeah it was hard but the end justified the means."

 

They spoke for a few more minutes before Brian came in with Gus and JR. Gus was especially happy to see Justin. He asked if he was there with his dad.

"Not exactly Gus-Gus," He wasn't expecting the question from Gus. For Justin, not being able to watch Gus grow had been extremely painful. Brian kept Justin informed as did Lindsey but it wasn't the same. "I have an art show over at your mom's gallery."

"Cool. Can I go to the opening, Jus-Jus?"

Justin smiled at the familiar address, pleased that Gus remembered their special names for each other. Damn it has been so long! "If your moms say it's okay, I would be happy to have you there. Are you still drawing?"

"Every chance I get but not as much as I'd like. I just skipped another grade so the work is harder and then of course there's soccer and swimming and whatever mommy can think of to keep me busy."

"I remember that about ‘moms.' At least yours didn't put you in ballroom dancing,"Justin said laughingly.

"What?!" The look on Gus' face made him laugh even harder. "Moms please, please promise me there will not be any dance lessons. Can you imagine what would happen to me? Oh my God, please please moms, promise. My social life is completely at stake here!"

"Heaven forbid, you should actually get some culture," Melanie said sarcastically. "At this rate, you'll grow up like your father for sure."

"And just what is so wrong with that, Melanie?"

"You want me to put together the short list?"

"Oh my God. Will you two please cut it out? You're both ruining my most favorite part of this trip so far," Justin said. "So what else is new Gus-Gus?"

And Gus filled him in on just about everything including JR's crush at school which sparked a round of bickering that reminded Justin of his and Molly's relationship. JR who was usually slow to warm-up to people, also filled Justin in on the ins and outs of her life and that Uncle Brian was teaching her a few trick shots for her to use on the soccer field. It felt good to be there, where he had always imagined he would be nestled in between Gus and JR listening to their stories of their day-to-day. Yet, he couldn't stop a niggling of ...foreboding that kept digging at his gut. He couldn't explain it. So rather than focus and fixate on it, he shook the thoughts of ghosts and silhouettes from him and opted to live in the moment. To just be happy for the moment and live his most secret fantasy for just a little while. To just be.... And for the moment it was enough.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The Game Changer- Gus' Birthday/ Opening Night- September 19th/20th, 2013

 

This is the end, hold your breath and count to ten

Feel the earth moving then, hear my heart burst again*

 

Justin knew he was dreaming. He knew it.

He was back under the streetlight outside of Babylon in the Pitts waiting....just waiting.... At the time he couldn't imagine what for but then the answer appeared. It was Brian. It seemed he was always waiting for Brian even while sleeping. At Brian's approach, he couldn't will his knees to move; couldn't do anything but stay in place while Brian prowled toward him like a panther stalking prey.... And Justin couldn't wait to be caught. Sure, he was scared but he wanted the beautiful man before him like he needed his next breath. His voice washed over Justin hypnotizing every one of his senses. Even then in the midst of a dream sequence he couldn't understand surfacing at the moment, Justin could feel the same anticipation and awareness; the hardening of his body as testosterone and adrenaline infused him and made him bold and adventurous. The adventure of course was losing his virginity but it was much more as he stood in front of Brian and had the conversation- the flirtatious banter that would change the course of their lives. Or perhaps put them where they needed to be. He could never say what made him trust Brian immediately when he didn't trust the other men who approached him or offered to take them home with him. But shutting the door to the Loft that night, was saying goodbye to childhood in every sense, not just getting fucked.

 

"Are you coming or going. Or coming and then going; or coming...and staying?"

 

The question that ultimately separated Justin's wants from his needs. Yes, he wanted Brian Kinney with a bone-chilling and singular focus but he needed him, too. Brian for all the craziness that surrounded him and he indulged in, was stable and consistent in his actions. Cold, calculating with cunt-tendencies certainly but at base, he and Justin were two sides of the same coin. Realism versus Idealism, Dark versus Light, Inexperience versus World-weariness, love versus lust- all that and more neatly packaged in the conundrum of Brian versus Justin. That's what many deemed him in reference to Brian... a problem. Even Brian did for a time. His parents certainly did- his dad still did but Jennifer didn't any longer. For Michael- always a problem. Being out and proud at school- a problem. An unsolvable, afraid but unwilling to hide, daring to be different and live his life... problem.

Each turning point in their relationship no matter how minute presented images within the REM cycle he hadn't been able to achieve for months. He wasn't sure if it was because exhaustion had finally caught up with him or if it was because of the familiar weight and heat in the bed beside him. The feelings engendered were just as vivid as the images were...as if they were happening to him all over again but he couldn't wake him up from it. He had to see.. To feel. To know why he was dreaming it and what it all meant. The King of Babylon contest. Brian's birthday. Justin asking Brian to the Prom. The last things he had memory of leading up to...

For this is the end, I've drowned and dreamt this moment

So overdue I owe them. Swept away, I'm stolen*

Holy shit! The images that were once jumbled- CLEAR. Oh. My. God. Vic. "The little chicken has become Cock of the Walk." Mom. "Oh honey, you look..Beautiful." Melanie. "I'd do him myself. Lindsey. "If I don't beat you to him." Debbie. "Sunshine." Emmett fussing with his hair and tie before introducing him as the cute little twink in the midriff tee and fatigues who ran up the stairs to get ready. He watched himself looking in the mirror one last time before going downstairs wishing that Brain would change his mind but knowing that he never would or that he would at least be downstairs to see him off but knew he wouldn't be.

Fuck. Shit. Damn. The prom... Magic Key or some such bubble gum teen, fucked-up song was playing. It didn't matter because Brian had walked in. Brian. Beautiful. Heads turning; his is spinning. Looks of shock and envy...jealousy radiating reaching out to him from Hobbs and his ilk. His approach.... The same feeling the night they met. Anticipation, awareness, adrenaline overload.... That light-headed, testosterone infused feeling again at the sight of the man he loved, would always love, the only one he would ever love.

"I thought you wouldn't be caught dead in a full of eighteen year olds."

"I thought I'd recapture my lost youth." The subtle fingering of his lapel as the dual meaning of Brian's statement aroused and awakened him. "You look hot, Daphne. I'd fuck you."

"You too, Brian."

"Mind if I borrow your date." Couldn't, wouldn't look away from the hazel gaze which held him pinned in place.

Hand grabbed, crowd parting....circle formed. "Save the Last Dance for Me." Who the fuck knew Brian knew the fucking Foxtrot?! Elegant, leading him with ease around the dance floor. Twirling. Joyous. Incredibly happy. Entranced and enthralled. A fucking living dream. Dipped and effortlessly lifted while spinning. Then.... Kissed thoroughly, completely...publicly claimed. And the look he longed to see finally shown to him. Brian loved me even then. Leaving the hall and walking Brian to the Jeep. Laughing. Singing.

Justin: "And don't forget who's taking you home."

Grabbed and held close.

Brian: "And in whose arms you're gonna be."

White silk scarf draped around Brian neck then carefully and sensuously placed on his own.

Justin: "Did you see their faces?"

Brian: "Yeah we gave them a prom they'll never forget."

Justin: "I won't forget it either. It's the best night of my life."

Brian: "Even if it was ridiculously romantic."

Brian bending his head, capturing his eyes- silently asking for...permission? One passionately given peck... and then another three seconds longer than the last because didn't want it to end.

"Later." Scarf entwined and held onto briefly as it was uttered.

Afraid to look away, walking on air.. "Later." Smiling. Turning around to chuckle in disbelief and then walking slowly replaying every moment, every scrap of memory from the time he arrived to watching him climb into the Jeep.

"Justin!"

NO!!

Let the sky fall, When it crumbles

We will stand tall and face it all together*

"Justin wake up,' Brian shook him and then endured the punch to the gut with good grace. He climbed out of bed and called again from a safer distance just noticing that his chest was wet too low to be from where Justin's head rested. "Justin, please. Wake up!! Damn it!

Brian left their room to cross the hall, grabbed a Dixie cup full of warm water. He knew whatever dream Justin was having held him completely paralyzed and he wouldn't be able to get out of it on his own. He knew it was harsh and could do more harm than good but it was the only thing that worked except punching him back. They'd gone that route, too and Brian didn't want to have to gut punch him the way Justin had just done him. With that in mind, he closed the bedroom door back so as not to cause panic within the household. This was a side of Justin that they wouldn't understand and frankly he didn't want anyone judging Justin for something they really have no idea about. When Justin still couldn't wake himself up, Brian threw the water on him. At first, he thought he was going to have to go back across the hall, but the blue eyes blinked open twice before Justin cursed. It was then that Brian knew Justin was cognizant of his surroundings. He couldn't stop the mental sigh of relief or the involuntary shudder that wracked him as he watched Justin sit up, wrapping his arms about himself. Brian knew he couldn't hold him or touch him until Justin came out of whatever place he was in and it hurt him not to be able to fix it. He would never be able to fix this for Justin- to wish it away nor erase it.

Where worlds collide and days are dark*

"Brian."

"I'm here, Sunshine."

"I remember....everything."

"Exactly which part of everything?" Brian dared not hope...

"Brian. Turn the light on and come sit next to me."

"You're sure you're ready."

He could hear the small smile in Justin's voice as he answered. "If you're asking am I going to knock you on your ass again, the answer is no. But I need you. I need to touch you. To see you. Please?"

Skyfall is where we start

A thousand miles and poles apart*

Brian did as he was asked but he didn't put on the over head light. Opting instead for the one that would cast him partially in shadow. He was torn about what Justin just revealed. In one instance, he was happy as hell if he'd gotten all of his memory back but on the other side of that, he already relived that moment in their lives over in his mind every year during the time since it happened. He was prepared for the inevitable feeling then and always managed to busy himself enough that he didn't dwell on it as much as he did in the first few years since the incident happened. But Justin hadn't had that opportunity....until now. Justin had asked very few things of him since their first meeting thirteen years ago. Things which didn't cost him a dime but was far more precious when given freely. This was one of those times. He could tell that as fearful as he himself was to hear it, Justin was equally afraid to have to relive it with his eyes wide open and memory fully intact. He owed it to him to listen and support him through it. It was more than a debt of gratitude from all the times Justin had been there for him. He had to be Justin's anchor- had to give to him what Justin had always given freely and unreservedly. So he would do what needed to be done, what Justin needed him to do which was be there.

Where you go I go, What you see, I see

I know I'd never be be me, Without this security

Of your loving arms, keeping me from harm

Put your hand in my hand, and we'll stand*

He seated himself directly next to Justin, aligning their bodies so that some part of them would always be touching no matter which way they moved. He took Justin's injured hand in his and resumed the massaging that Justin had been steadily doing since he'd woken up and wrapped his arms around his knees. When Justin spoke, he kept his eyes focused on him, looking for signs of an imminent panic attack. He spoke softly but clearly as he relived it and Brian finally saw through Justin's eyes the events leading up to the attack. When Justin got to the prom sequence he faltered and swallowed hard. Brian wanted to stop him but knew he couldn't. It was Justin's decision of whether he could continue or even wanted to continue or not. All he could do was be there to hold his hand and reassure him with his actions that he would be here when he was ready, no matter what he decided. He made the decision to continue and Brian supported him through it. When Justin broke down, Brian wiped and kissed his tears away, promising him that the worse was over and that he could really begin to heal; that it didn't change him or make him crazy... that he loved him. Brian held him until he fell asleep. Only then did he let his own pain go.

Let the sky fall, When it crumbles

We will stand tall, And face it all together*

Lindsey went in the next morning to wake them up and the sight that greeted her gave her pause and broke her heart at the same time. She'd only seen Brian vulnerable one time before and it was because of the man he currently held close with his head resting on the blond locks as if that spot in the top of Justin's head was made for Brian's chin. The sight itself was arresting but what really moved her was the evident tear tracks on Brian's beautiful sleeping face. Whatever was shared in that room last night was not only important, it was life-altering for both of them. She would never know if they didn't tell her and she knew she would never ask. All she could do was pray that the decisions which came from it, would enrich their lives in some way and that they each would have the strength to endure it.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Showdown in Shangri-La

Justin couldn't help but laugh at the irony that the hotel he was supposed to stay at and the gallery where Lindsey worked had the same name. The reason Justin found it humorous was because the hotel was located in the Entertainment section and near the gallery had availability but wouldn't make accommodations for an artist they had never heard of. The hysterical part was that many of his more expensive paintings, covered the walls of the lobby as well as the hall leading to the hotel's restaurant. So yeah, there must have been some truth the saying that one only becomes a ‘famous artist' posthumously. Yet he was successful enough being in the land of the living. He rented a 15th floor suite at the Ritz with a much better view and wasn't sorry that he did.

 

Lindsey had decided to accompany him to the gallery the afternoon of the show which was fine because he hadn't gotten to give her the package he'd bought with him. With Melanie at home with JR and Gus out with Brian, it seemed the perfect opportunity to do so.

"Lindz, which bank do you use here?"

"Toronto Trust and Loan, why?"

"We need to go there immediately before heading on to the gallery."

"No problem. It's actually about a street over from there. If you want you can park and walk right over."

Several minutes later, Justin pulled into the parking space labeled ‘Featured Artist' and with Lindsey's help, unloaded a few small last minute items which he and Amy would be a good fit for this particular showing which bought the full showing to an ambitious twenty-four done of the course of a year. Six were mixed media pieces and would be interspersed throughout each of the other still paintings based on the schematic theme of the work. Justin oversaw every facet of his show, from lighting, to the placement to the overall presentation including props when needed.

 

Lindsey marveled at Justin in this mode and inwardly she beamed with pride. She remembered when he thought that he would never draw again and she took him to see Adrienne, who was an artist friend of hers who had been in the same position as Justin only worse. And yet she still painted and sold her pieces. It gave him something to think about and she was glad that she could help restore him that small way after feeling so helpless in the days and weeks following the bashing. The verdict of the case still reached out to haunt her although she wouldn't say that to anyone. But every time she read about Justin's success or could help further his career in some small way, it gave her hope that someday, someway she could go home without her kids being harmed because of their parents' sexuality. And it reminded her of the indomitable spirit of Queers (male, female, bi or trans) everywhere. Justin had risen above everything thrown at him. It was what she'd hoped for when she encouraged him to relocate to New York. In a sense his success was also hers.

 

"Now that all of this is underway, why don't you take a walk with me to the bank, Lindz? I could use the company."

"I wouldn't want to intrude."

Justin laughed. "You're not. I asked you to come. Besides, there's a Starbucks. I know you can't resist a cup of coffee. You couldn't have changed that much."

She smiled. "You're still the sweetest man I've ever met."

"Thank you for saying that, Lindz. You're one of the few people that we know who look at me as a man, instead of a kid. You would think I would have outgrown the moniker by now especially since I'm over thirty."

"Don't hold it against them too greatly, Justin. Only you and I know what it was like grow up in the WASP nest. We had to grow up fast but at the same time we did some crazy teenage things, too. It's easier for people to identify with age rather than acknowledge that a teenager may actually be wiser than them as the supposed adult."

 

They reached the bank and Justin ushered her in not giving her a chance to protest.

"Lindz, forgive me but I'm about to ask you a very high-handed question." At her quizzical look, he asked, "Do you have a separate checking account? One that Mel doesn't know about?"

"No. All of our accounts are joint. Why?"

"I need you to open one right now." He held up his hand to stay her protest. "I'm going to make a deposit into that account but it is strictly for your use. No one else except Brian, Ted and I can know about it. Promise?"

"What's this about, Justin?"

"This is about taking care of those who take care of me. So open the account already and then I'll tell you the amount going into beyond five dollars." He smiled brightly and winningly at her causing her to laugh but she did what he demanded. "Now that that's done. Based on the actual referral policy of my company, I owe you about eight thousand dollars from the inception of the company. With interest that puts this deposit at eleven thousand. Also because you dropped my name and your boss picked it up, I am here in Toronto doing a show. So although I know that you will receive a small commission on every painting sold tonight- the gallery of course will take the lion's share, I am supplementing your commission in advance. According to my agent the original eleven have already sold. So that leaves the remaining twelve which includes the four I just bought in today. One of them, I cannot part with in lieu of last night but I'll still display it."

"Last night?"

"I'll tell you about it over coffee but first let's finish getting you set up. This will also make it easier for me to wire you the commission for referring clients to me instead of having to keep the funds separate. We have to give Ted the information so that if I'm abroad, it will still reach your account."

"You really don't have to do this Justin."

"I know I don't but if it's one thing I learned from Brian it's the full concept of Free Will and that's what I'm exercising right now."

Lindsey shook her head and laughed. "Well never let it be said you didn't learn your lessons well."

"The teacher was hot so I paid attention," Justin chuckled.

*~*~*

 

"Hey Mel. I am in town and I wanted to know if I can stop by and see JR today."

"I'm not sure, what time she'll be back although I imagine it will be soon, Michael. She's out with Brian right now."

"Oh that's right! It's Gus' thirteenth birthday. I'll bet he's having a great time. He doesn't see him nearly enough."

You're one to talk. Hell I wish Brian would actually see Gus less but that's not going to happen. "I think they may be at the park on the street behind our house. She's become quite the soccer player. Brian and Gus play and teach her little trick shots for her team."

"I'm not sure I like her playing such a rough sport as soccer. What about tennis or even putting her in ballet. She could get seriously hurt."

Melanie pinched the bridge of her nose. They had had similar conversations in the past, always with Michael's warped view of what a girl could do or should do. "She's not glass nor china, Michael. Jenny is perfectly capable of playing the sports you deem too rough. In fact she got MVP and they're going to the Regional Championships. She's fine. If she wasn't I would have told you. Anyway, what are you doing in Toronto? Did you come for Justin's show?"

Silence.

"I didn't know he had a show up here. I thought that was last year."

"It was but it got canceled due to a minor electrical fire adjacent to the gallery where Lindz works. That's where we'll all be later since it's opening night."

"Brian, too, I take it?" Michael said quietly.

"Of course. Justin invited everyone and since Gus particularly wants to go and it's his birthday, we're going."

"I'm sure JR will be bored to tears. Why don't I pick her up from the gallery and take her for ice cream while you all ooh and ah over Wonder Boy's work."

Melanie tried to discern the cause Michael's sudden change in mood but she chocked it up to him being thwarted in reference to JR playing soccer against his wishes. "Sure. Whatever floats your boat. The show starts at seven. I gotta get back to work. See ya later."

"Yeah see ya later."

*~*~*

Henry and Dawn Church arrived at the Shangri-La Gallery and was immediately taken aback. Everything was already done and prepared. Dawn had no choice but to laugh. Henry was used to micromanaging his clients' careers but as always Justin lived, slept, ate and breathed outside of Henry's little box. But he couldn't complain because the space from the emails they'd received was transformed into an art collectors paradise. Mood lighting adorned each collection and the in the center was the stunning piece that Justin had drawn back as recently as this morning. The funny thing is that someone had called about that painting the minute Henry finished trying to persuade Justin to part with it. Justin wouldn't budge in his decision and it frustrated and infuriated Henry to no end. He hated to admit that most of the time Justin was right and was in fact Henry's most lucrative client to date. Justin Taylor was an industry all by himself and he deserved to be. He worked hard and always delivered when he said he would even if that meant he didn't sleep.

 

"Hey Dawn and Henry," Justin said. "I'd like you to meet Lindsey Petersen."

"Justin has spoken highly of you both," Lindsey said. "It's nice to finally meet the people surrounding him while he's away from the extended family."

"Likewise, I've heard a lot about Justin's family," Dawn responded, smiling wide. "Will everyone else be attending."

"My partner, Melanie and our kids and I believe Brian will be here as well."

"Wow! It's a special night indeed, if I get to meet the man who inspired a lot of Justin's earlier works. Have you seen his painting Journey? I couldn't not but it myself." Dawn and Lindsey moved off to look at the exhibit and further examine Brian in the scope of Justin's inspiration.

 

"I just had the scariest vision of Dawn prying all my secrets from Lindz. Not comforting," Justin said.

Henry snickered. "You should indeed be afraid if you've kept anything hidden." He moved to stand in front of the painting that he wanted Justin to reconsider selling but he just couldn't resist asking why he pulled it back. "Justin, the caller I got right after I hung up the phone with you when you ordered me to pull this one back offered almost one-hundred grand for it. It is a stunningly haunting piece. Why pull it back now?"

Justin had taken all the bits and pieces of the dream sequence which came together the night before and combined them on a black background. In the center was the silhouetted glimpse of the prom in front of a blood red moon and all the memories crowding the couple in the center. The amazing thing about the painting is that nothing looked jumbled or overcrowded. Each entity created one whole portrait of secrets and love and sharpened memories. It was the type of painting one could look at over and over again, year after year and find something different about it.

Justin looked at the painting again, going through all he remembered and picking out scene after scene on a black backdrop with a blood red moon and the combined geography of New York and Pittsburgh at the very bottom of the canvas. The artwork stood at the eye level of Brian and Henry but mounted it gave the painting a new dimension from every angle. "Henry, I can't sell this painting. All of these are the bits and pieces I remembered before and after the bashing. It was easy to go of it when I wasn't sure what I was thinking. The last night I remembered....every single thing including the week leading up to the prom and the event itself. I can't part with it at all or ever. God forbid I should forget everything again. These memories, portraits of my memories are all I have left."

Henry nodded understanding Justin's point of view. They had played many ‘what if' games over the years in reference to his memory and relation with Brian Kinney. He was happy that the only thing Justin had thought was gone forever was finally whole and in tact.

*~*~*

The show got underway and Henry was once again back in his element micro-managing every facet of the interview questions being asked, when Justin spoke to an art critic and who. Justin had to admit that Henry Church was a fucking genius when he let him have his head. He kept the flux and flow of the conversation on the artwork, not any personal dynamics the critics may have witnessed with certain other guests. Justin was extremely pleased to see various clients of his from JT Designs present as well as some associates of Brett and Connor's although they couldn't be in attendance personally. He was actually pretty grateful for that because Brian would have been in guard dog mode instead of taking Gus around and spending quality time with him.

 

Lindsey was also in her element giving little tidbits of information of certain pieces...just enough to whet the potential buyer's appetite which would often result in the sale. There were only three more to be sold when Justin heard the commotion at the front of the large gallery. He knew the voices immediately and sighed a groan of deep frustration. This shit I do not need tonight. Unfortunately, he had to handle it personally otherwise his business would be in jeopardy. Leave it to Michael and Melanie to cause a scene and Brian to try to diffuse it only to end up almost yelling himself.

 

Henry started to approach them but he held up his hand. "I take care of it, Henry. Lindsey is going to need backup with the sales. By the way, remember Michael Novotny and why I wouldn't work with him?"

Henry nodded in the affirmative. "I do and now I think I understand why."

"Good man. I'll try to get them outside and be back as soon as I can. Hold down the fort for me." Justin moved through the crowd, that ever present plastered smile hiding his discomfort and embarrassment as he moved toward the occupants." Standing inconspicuously at first he listened intently to the conversation.

"No Michael. You're over an hour late and she is having a good time. She's being exposed to great art. You should have been here on time as you promised and then maybe she wouldn't have found a group of people whose company she's enjoying. Some of her classmates are here as well which makes for a good experience," Melanie said trying to be calm but failing miserably.

"I don't give a fuck, Melanie. I don't appreciate you keeping my daughter from spending time with me," Michael whined.

"Who's doing that? Again you are over an hour late."

"I don't give a shit if I arrived tomorrow. I expect to be able to pick her up whenever and wherever I want."

"Look can you two please keep it down. It's an important night for Justin."

"Justin. Justin. Justin. Well fuck Justin, Brian. But then you probably already did," Michael said venomously.

"It's the same fucking song and dance with you. The bottom line is you're standing here wrong- both of you I might add- arguing because you're both wrong. Although Melanie does have a point. If JR is happy, then let the kid be fucking happy and see her tomorrow."

"What the fuck do you know about it Brian? You're not exactly father of the fucking year. You're only here because it's your kid's birthday."

Justin couldn't stand there anymore and listen to the shit. "Brian, go grab Gus and Jenny and take them to the back for some refreshments, please? They shouldn't hear or be subjected to adults arguing like their bones instead of children."

"Where's Lindz?" Brian asked.

Justin knew Brian didn't want to leave him alone with Michael. He looked at him steadily, willing him to understand. "Securing a few sales. I'll send her to you when she's done or ask Henry and Dawn to. They're also working the floor for me while I try to salvage the rest of my opening which was so rudely interrupted but riffraff." Justin kept his WASP nest smile in place.

"You little shit," Michael said angrily.

"Careful, Michael. I'm not so little anymore and the only short or little shit in here right now is you. Now that said, I understand that you two have a problem. I get it but please for once consider someone other than yourselves. Michael, Melanie is well within her rights because you were an hour late. If I didn't know better- and I hope that I do- I would say that you did this deliberately to cause a scene at my opening and an internal issue between you and Mel and your arrangement. Although I do understand that petulance is a part of your personality, I would ask that you refrain from such childish behavior in this adult setting. Please also remember that if weren't for me, you would not have even been invited to the Con which is happening just down the street so you in fact owe me a favor. I will only call it in once and this is it. You are tampering with something I have been working my entire career for so far. I don't appreciate it and I'm pissed that I have to actually stand here and speak to you at all rather than attend guests who are here for my business. Please leave."

"Who the fuck do you think you are?"

"You still don't get it, do you Michael? This isn't about who I think I am. It's about who I know I am. Not I'll ask you once more to leave under your own steam or I will have you bodily removed."

"Can he do that, Melanie?"

"He most certainly can since there is a clause in his contract that gives him that right at EVERY show. Justin is smart enough to have read the contract down to the fine print so yes, Michael he can have you removed and since his art is very valuable there are indiscreet police officers here as patrons. You may come by the house tomorrow to spend time with JR."

"I'll be waiting when you get home tonight." And with that Michael turned and marched out the door.

 

"I'm sorry, Jus. I tried to remain calm. But then fucking Brian came over trying to diffuse it and..."

Justin held up his hand. "Melanie. I understand your position. Remember Molly was there when my parents broke up and had to endure a similar situation every week until she ran away and scared both of my parents to death to get them back to sense. I don't want that to happen with Jenny who is in actuality a joy to be around. I know Michael only comes here once or twice a year although I'm not sure why that is when... Nevermind, that isn't my business as much as him disparaging Brian and you not doing anything or saying anything to defend Brian who you and I both know love both Gus and Jenny and tries to do right by both of them. Outside of that, I understand the fury Michael can bring out of people- understand that better than most. Do what you have to do for your own sanity, not his. Trust me on that one piece of wisdom I am passing on to you,"

 

Justin moved back through the milling crowd on his way to the artists lounge area in search of a little chance to regroup. It was of course a pipe dream and would be until Justin could make good his own escape much later in the evening. He kissed Lindz and Mel, and hugged Gus and Jenny and told them that he would come by and get his luggage in the morning. He just needed some time alone. They all understood. The evening without the family drama was already stressful but with it, it was a wonder that Justin hadn't buckled beneath the weight of it all.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

September 20th 2013 Ritz-Carlton- Toronto

Tied to a shallow heart

Why does he want to bring me where he goes

Oh and to find out the reasons why

It's enough to make you wanna try

For one last night*

Brian arrived at the hotel room. Justin didn't want to open the door but honestly he didn't feel like fighting with him, too. He just couldn't wait until the trip was over. It seemed like every time he was to achieve another level professionally, his personal life fucked up before, during and after. Again he wondered if it was all worth it; if this thing- whatever it was- with Brian was worth it. He was just so fucking tired of fighting with Michael and Melanie for Brian and sometimes even against him. Two steps forward, ten steps backward. It was a fucking emotional waltz. He opened the door to see Brian with his luggage in tow.

"Can I come in? Brian asked.

"I wouldn't have opened the door if you couldn't."

Ghost and silhouettes

They take a piece of me, they want it all

Oh but to wait in an empty room

With the feeling that is closing in*

He moved away from the door to the bay window overlooking the brilliantly lit CN Tower. The moon high was risen high over Lake Ontario. It was a spectacular view but Justin couldn't enjoy it just then. "Why are you here, Brian?"

"Because I want to be."

"You should be with Mel, Lindz and Michael. After all he came all this way to see you."

"No he came to the gallery because Melanie told him that you were there. Since it was Gus' birthday, he knew barring a business appointment, I would be here too. That's why Michael came. With me not there though, he should have a good visit with J.R. He doesn't see her nearly enough."

"Does anyone know where you've disappeared to?" The last thing he wanted was for any of them to show up here. He just wanted peace and quiet; a chance to think and regroup before he had to smile and greet patrons for the last time tomorrow night. Then he would leave Toronto behind on Sunday afternoon. No need to speak or say anything else to anyone else. He would see Lindz at the show and he'd already said good-bye to Gus. That was all that mattered...his Gus-Gus. And Brian, God help him.

"Why would I tell anyone, Justin? You need your space- I get that- but I want to be here with you. It's that simple."

Justin shook his head. Nothing about any of this was simple and he told him so. "You do realize what's going to happen now, right?"

Justin heard Brian's approach seconds before he felt his arms enfold him. "How about we just take this step-by-step and forget the rest for now."

"Brian, we're never going to have privacy again. Every move and word will be dissected. Michael especially is going to set out to drive me away."

"That will only happen if you let it."

"I know that but it doesn't make me any less sick of it. You know what...I can't do this now. I need to sleep." Justin could feel the migraine coming at warp speed.

Brian reluctantly released him. "You didn't eat much before or after the show. Are you hungry?"

"No, I'm more tired than anything."

"Maybe later then." He said as he began to get undressed.

"Brian-"

"Justin. I just want you near me okay? That's all."

Justin nodded resigned to the fact that Brian was not going anywhere and wouldn't be content anywhere else for the moment.

I had a dream I was dying

But I found nobody there

And of one last night is all that we've been given

Let's live it like we care*

They climbed into bed, both silent and lost in their own thoughts. When Brian stretched his arm out, Justin went willingly allowing Brian to hold him. He admitted to himself that hearing Brian's slow and steady heartbeat, the familiar sound of his breathing was comforting even if it was just for a little while. Justin laid awake for a time just absorbing the peace of being with Brian when it was just the two of them. He dropped a single kiss to his lover's sternum, wishing that they could always have this. There was no question that he loved Brian- his heart and all his parts- but was it enough? Could he endure all that Michael's presence and Melanie's machinations- however intentional or unintentional- meant? Was there really a way to go forward?

"I hear you thinking, Sunshine. Are you ready to talk now?"

Justin smiled slightly against Brian's skin. That was always a running joke between them, that they could hear each others' thoughts and Justin supposed it was true even when the situation was in the pitch black dark with the exception of the light from the CN Tower which was also visible from the bedroom.

"What do you want me to say, Brian?"

"Uh-huh. I won't allow you to tell me what you think I want to hear. That was never our way and it won't start being that way between us now. You've never been this closed off to me, Justin so what is it?"

Broken upon the rocks

Let the beating waves

Come drag me down

Oh but to find the reasons why

It's enough to make you wanna try

For one last night*

"Guess I'm just resigning myself to the inevitable now as opposed to waiting for tomorrow night."

"Don't think about it."

"How could I not Brian? Everything that we have been working to preserve is systematically being picked over already especially with you here and not there. You have ti begin to wonder what's next." Justin's cell phone rang out. Before he thought about what he was doing he looked at the Caller ID. Michael. He showed it to Brian. ‘See? Not even three hours later it fucking starts."

Text message: Look you fucking twink, I know Brian is there with you and he isn't answering his cell phone. Tell him to ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE!

"Ignore it, Justin. That's why you and I pay the bills. If we don't feel like answering the phone or responding, we don't have to."

 

Text message: Lindsey: Justin, just wanted to make sure you were okay and that you've eaten. You didn't eat much today. Please take care of yourself and call me if you need anything. See you tomorrow and thanks again...for everything.

Text message: Mom: Hi Honey, I wanted to see how your show went. Call me when you can.

Text message: Michael: Justin, I'm going to keep calling your cell phone until you pick up and let me speak to Brian.

Text message: I know you're probably sleeping right now. Just wanted to tell you that the show is a success. There is only two pieces that haven't been sold as of yet and I'm sure that tomorrow will be a kick-ass day. Also great job on handling that ‘situation' discreetly. I barely heard a word you said but I'm sure Michael Novotny was not happy... THE NERVE...any way get some sleep so we can do it all over again tomorrow. Dawn sends her love. Again, great job!

Justin finally decided to turn off his phone for the night and try to calm his mind. Brian also laid awake thinking about all Justin said would happen. What else could they do if they were going to ride it out- if they were willing to fight everything and everyone to have what they wanted.

I had a dream I was dying

But I found nobody there

And if one last night is all that we've been given

Let's live it like we care*

The following evening was much of the same at the art gallery. Sadly, it was also much of the same regarding Brian and Justin's cell phones with messages from Ted, Emmett and finally Debbie was added into the mix berating both of them for ignoring Michael's calls. As always, Michael's culpability was conveniently overlooked. And so it goes.....

They made love silently, each bringing comfort to the other in the only way which mattered at the moment. Nothing else could be said that hadn't already been spoken. For the moment, the physical connection to the other man would have to sustain them until they would meet again. In the meantime the had their Skype, phone and text schedules memorized. It was the one routine in their lives that made any sense.

For one last night

For one last night*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Not Forever- Just not Now- Airport

Justin's POV

What's ironic about this moment is that Brian and I always made it a point to not watch each other leave, yet here we are in the Liberty Air Terminal- him bound for Pittsburgh and I'm bound for New York. After last night there isn't much more to say or that was left unsaid. The people we wanted to keep out of our relationship officially know that we are still involved in some way although they don't know the extent. Lindz suspects I guess. For Melanie and Michael, it was enough that I left the gallery without Brian although he found me anyway. I suspect he would always find me. Not because I'm predictable or anything but mostly because we are part of each other whether in a relationship or not.

 

"You okay, Sunshine?" he asks.

"Peachy keen, Jellybean," I answered pasting a smile on my face for his benefit when I really didn't have to. He knew what I was feeling.

"Now I definitely know that you are not fine. Anytime you start quoting lines from movies like ‘Grease' to me it's proof that you've lost your mind."

"And what does it say when you know where the line came from?"

"That I need to wash my brain with bleach."

 

We both burst out laughing at the imagery and knowing that if it was possible Brian really would. We settled back into companionable silence, finding the smallest comfort in the familiarity of being in each others' face and space all the while letting our actions say what we wouldn't. His large hand engulfing mine, committing the tactile stimulation to memory. The impulse I couldn't suppress to lift that same large hand, entwine our fingers and place a kiss on his knuckles and smear it into his skin with my cheek. I had done that so many times before but the need to remind him of it was urgent. The returned gesture delivered with lowered eyes so that I wouldn't see the look in them but I knew what was there anyway. It mirrored my own. Fuck I hate this, it said. How much longer? Stay with me. Yeah, our actions spoke everything there wasn't a need to voice.

 

The attendant over the PA system called for his flight. I wanted to hold him and not let go. To fight with him or guilt him into taking a later flight or kidnap him and whisk us away somewhere where none of this would have mattered. But I did none of those things. Instead I stood with him as he handed the ticket agent the required documents to board the plane that would carry him away from me.

 

I looked my fill; he did the same before he said, "You take care of yourself, Sunshine. Keep in touch when you can."

"You too, Brian."

 

No one- not even ourselves- could have anticipated the deluge of emotion unleashed in those last few stolen moments. I burrowed my head against his shoulder committing his scent to memory before placing a soft kiss where his neck met his jaw and neck connected; he did the same while holding me as close as our clothes would let us. I couldn't stop the twin tears that slipped from the corner of my closed eyes while his fingers compulsively gripped my neck and scalp as he ate at my mouth and vice versa. Dazedly I watched him hurry down the corridor while swiping one large palm down his face. That did me in. Making my way over to the large bay window, I watched as his plane prepared itself for take-off. Held myself together piece-by-piece, second-by-second in case he could see me in the window from his seat. I didn't want what would be our last time seeing each other in person for awhile marred by the sight of me literally melting down. This was the reason we never accompanied each other to the airport; why either he or I woke at the crack of dawn to reluctantly leave a hotel room before the other woke up and had to watch this- had to pretend that every thing was fine.

 

As his plane left the ground and I stood and watched until my eyes couldn't see it anymore, one of the attendants who had been moved by the exchange bought me a drink and some tissues. She ushered me to a private room so that I could have my moment without a room full of private and speculating eyes.

 

"Do you need anything else, Mr. Taylor?"

"No thank you, Shelia."

"Mr. Kinney asked me to give you this after.... Well just after." She handed me the envelope and it bought a bittersweet smile to my face. It was the one thing we'd always done before we left each other. I thanked her again and waited until she left the room to tear it open.

 

Sunshine,

Stop it! We both know it's not forever, just for now. And although I am probably on the plane having my own mental tantrum and working like hell to close off whatever the hell is running through me right now, I can't do that knowing that you are hurting. Please, Justin don't-

Anyway for what it's worth, I'm proud of you. I respect what you've done for yourself even if others don't. You have to do what's right for you, no matter what it is. You've done exactly that this entire time. And stop taking what Michael and Melanie have had to say to heart. In the grand scheme of your life, your triumphs and failures, their opinions DO NOT MATTER! Hell my opinion doesn't matter. What does is the fruit of your labor. So live YOUR life how ever you want to. Don't fuck it up! Emmett has it right when he says: Fuck'em ALL!

Text when you get back.... Call you at 11

B

 

By the time I'd read the letter twice more and placed a kiss to it before placing it in my messenger bag, Shelia had come in to tell me my flight was boarding.

"You look much better, Mr. Taylor."

"Justin. Please call me Justin, Shelia. And I am better. Strangely, Brian has that effect on me."

She nodded. "All I know is that when and if the time comes when I meet someone special, I hope to God that I find what you two have."

I shook my head. "Don't wish for that, Shelia. Wish for better because that's what I'll wish for you. Brian and I have been through so much to get to what you see now. Even now we're going through a helluva lot, including a long-distance relationship. I wouldn't wish our brand of bullshit on anyone but I wouldn't trade a moment of it just to be able to love Brian Kinney. That said I wish you a deep and abiding love without the million and five hoops and hurdles we have to jump. And thank you again for this room. Sometimes it's hard to remember the "Dog and Pony Show" that mine and Brian's life has become. We're not completely anonymous anymore."

"That's the price of the brand of success. You both have worked hard for it. I was here when Mr. Kinney first began working the Liberty Air campaigns. Because of his efforts throughout the years, I think I can speak for everyone here when I say that he is a miracle worker. The airline was on the verge of filing for bankruptcy and management had called the staff in to tell us of the possibility of being laid off. The innovative campaign he put together literally saved all of our asses from top to bottom."

 

After my flight got underway, I thought about all Shelia had said about Brian and about his letter. To Brian, it was just a job but he really did save all their asses. And he did it for company after company after company. Sure he got paid for it but I remember watching him toil over campaigns when I lived with him. He put his heart and soul into campaigns like Liberty Air because of the people, not the service. There was a part of Brian's life he wouldn't talk about- a time separate from the time he spent with Debbie and Michael; a time that, at base, had changed his ideals and shaped the man I had grown to love deeply. I suspect that he went back to that time in his mind every time he created a kick-ass campaign for the companies who were in trouble. I suppose he taps into that time every time he sends clients with the potential to be great my way thereby helping me to build my business as well as helping them. Flawed with hero tendencies. I laughed at the thought but it was completely true about Brian Kinney. I wish people like Melanie, Michael and Lindsey could see that about him. Ted and Emmett know that side of Brian both individually and collectively. Sure he could be an asshole, ruthless and downright evil but at base he has a good heart and those whom he loves benefit from it whether they ask for it or not; no matter how they treat him- he still loves them and he shows them even if it means letting them live in their own delusions so they can be happy. He would rather he hurt than they- us. Michael attacking Brian's fatherhood when he isn't any type of father himself...I really felt like punching him in the damn mouth. As far as Melanie- she wouldn't have been able to get the other mortgage if not for him yet she treats him like gum stuck under the bottom of her shoe. Why couldn't she defend him just fucking once when he deserved to be? But he lets her attack him because it makes her feel secure. One thing is clear...I will never allow anyone to hurt him again and that includes me.

 

*Skyfall (sung by Adele) EPWORTH/ PAUL RICHARD/ ADKINS, ADELE
One Last Night (sung by Vaults) FREEMAN, BARNABAS / VELLA, BENJAMIN / PEPINO, BLYTHE**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I look at you, you look at me

(You can't tell me you ain't feeling butterflies)

It's obvious there's some chemistry

(I think I know why it feels so right)

 

Babylon/Pittsburgh Late August 2014

I miss him. It's almost been a year since I've seen him and he's slowly but most assuredly pulling away from me. I feel that as definite as the clothes against my skin. Between then and now we've only managed to speak a handful of times. Something was different about our parting in Toronto. Yeah- definitely different. I don't know if it was because we were there at the same time and he had to watch me go my own way just as I had to watch him make his way back to New York. Technically that's never happened. When we came back from London a few years ago, I stayed at the airport in New York while he went home. I refused to have him sit there for five hours with me. Maybe I should have let him. Fuck! I don't know but I know that something was...off about this last parting.

I wanted so long to know

Now you're telling me you gotta let it go

(Don't tell me I have to start all over again)

I never thought this day would come

(This is something that I've wanted in my life)

I realize that you're the one

(And you're telling me it's time to say goodbye)

 

These damn rings have burned a hole in my pocket everyday for the last ten years. I don't go anywhere without them.Strange. Justin is not only in my heart, he's in my pocket. Maybe I should have given him his in Toronto. That's a stupid thought but maybe it would have put it all in perspective. I'm not just spinning tires with him. He's it for me and I know it. I know that he's tired but not of me. And I know that he's scared but I don't think he's fearful of me. So the question is what is keeping him distant? As a teenage boy, Justin was so easy to read and he still is in some ways. But as a man in his thirties is so much harder now. Maybe it's because of the distance- I don't know- but I know that we're still as connected as we were when I fought like hell against ‘Hurricane Justin,' the twink who blew into my life and upended it.

 

What's inside of my heart it ain't gonna change

So it shouldn't be so easy to walk away

(You feel it, I feel it let's not pretend)

I can't see us throwing everything away now. Wait where the fuck did that thought come from? Who said anything about ending? No. I refuse to accept that as even a remote thought, not after everything. Had this been ten years ago, I would have said fine but not now. Not ever. I need to go home. Maybe I've had one too many Beams- except that in all honesty I've only had three. It takes an entire bottle for me to be impaired so I can't blame any decision I make on alcohol. I know I need to get to New York. I feel like time is running out for Justin and I- that if I don't do something, I will lose him and I...I can't. And I won't.

 

Maybe I don't know what live is, maybe I'm a fool

I just know what I'm feeling and it's all because of you

Don't tell me I don't know, I want the truth

‘Cause they call it, we call it, you call it, I call it love

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

Dumbo NY August/ Early September 2014

I hate twinks. I know that sounds like an unfair statement but considering the one who just left was one of those cream-filled, no-substance desserts... next time I'll just visit the actual store and buy a fucking Twinkie. It would be less of a hassle. It never fails. There's always one thinking they got under the wire and could change my mind about letting them stay. NOPE! Men like him- or should I say a boy with a man size part- are a necessary evil in my life right now and have been since I began this journey of self-discovery and building my own fortune.

 

The sad thing is that I would be content with ONE man for the rest of my life. Of course Brian is that man but he can't be. My life and all that I've built up for myself is here. I just can't see how we can make it without me having to sacrifice everything. So at this juncture... we've tried and now as much as it pains me I have to let him go. Being with him in Toronto and then once again having to part ways to lead our separate lives has become harder than I ever imagined it would be. Standing there in the airport for the final time was almost unbearable. So much so that I actually did consider throwing my career away and going with him. That scared me. To know, even for that brief moment, that I would literally engage in self-sabotage after all these years for a man- even if it is Brian- scared the shit out of me. I had to question what I would have to do to keep him and I can't pay that kind of price. I can't kill my hopes and dreams just for the sake of being with him 24/7. The funny thing is he would never ask me to do such a thing; it would be my own choice and that can't happen. I can't allow myself to choose him over me. Over what I want from the rest of my life. His life has been on hold just as much as mine and it's time to get to the business of learning to live...really live without each other. It just hurts too fucking much to stay on this divergent road. Hell for Brian it will probably be a relief at this point.

 

It's so clear for you to see

(Don't let nobody tell you what to do)

Why they can't just let us be happy

(I don't want to find somebody new)

If you know what's really in your heart

Then don't let them tear us apart

(Cause you feel I, I feel it don't say we're through)

Outside of all that and even if it could work again, I am tired of having to put up with the outside innuendos and opinions about Brian and I. I noticed Melanie scrutinizing every single interaction between he and I while we were there. Why? In addition to that, I'm sure that with Michael showing up, everyone else knows that we were there together by now. I've been getting at least six Brian-related texts that have NOT been from Brian since I came back from Toronto. I can't become their fucking science project again. Every single thing we ever did while we were together in Pittsburgh was mulled over, argued about, talked about...it was too damn much. I felt like every action was under the microscope of the Family. So what...Brian and I have a twelve year age difference. He has or had an aversion to relationship and/or permanence. Big fucking deal! It was always my decision to stay or go. I was never meant to be an object of pity or in Michael's case scorn; wasn't manipulated into loving Brian. I knew who he was, I knew what he could be and I knew what he wouldn't dare let the rest of them know- that he was a person with feelings and not the heartless shit they always made him out to be. Brian willingly stayed true to every thought and lived up to every horrible judgment they placed on him for what? So that they could feel justified and superior that they were right in some way? I can't sit there and watch that happen to him again. I can't sit by and watch those who supposedly knew him best, beat him down...and they did- repeatedly and in some ways used me to do it. In addition to that I can't let Brian put himself and his friendship- whatever they're worth- on the line defending me so it's best that I remove myself from the equation. I won't ask him to make a choice between me and the people who have been with him long before I appeared in his life. Regardless of everything else I know he loves them and I guess to some extent the feeling is mutual. I just think they love what he can do for them more. The fact is that Brian and I made each other happy for a time but the time we've spent apart has made me miserable and grouchy and sad all the time and evil at other times. I can't live in this emotional hell anymore. The one thing I've learned being out here on my own is that change starts and ends with me. So now it's time to reconstruct my life again. So that's it then... This isn't a question of if I love him or not. I do but I love me just a little bit more. That said it's time I make a final trip to Pittsburgh.

Maybe I don't know what love is, maybe I'm a fool

I just know what I'm feeling and it's all because of you

Don't tell me I don't know, I want the truth

‘Cause they call it, we call it, you call it, I call it love

 

Somewhere Between New York and Pittsburgh- Liberty Air Flight #2917

The urgency is back. I wish this fucking plane had rocket fuel in it or could travel at the speed of light. Talking with Daphne was very enlightening but then it usually is. And I hate to admit that the feeling I had which sparked this entire trip is entirely accurate...Justin wants to end things. I'm sitting here feeling a rare case of fucking hysteria. I suppose I should thank him for that. Because of him, I have now admitted that emotionally I'm about to fly over the damn cuckoo's nest. It was so much easier when I could just bury my feelings in drugs and drinking and move the fuck on but no...Justin couldn't let me alone. Yep. I'm willing to blame my current state of panic on him. He showed me love and taught me how to connect for real with another person and now he wants to back out. NO! If I sound like a petulant child within my own brain it's okay as long as no one else knows about it.

 

Daphne also hinted at some of the other things which has bothered him. I know he and I had talked about it in New York back when this all began. He's scared. I get it because so am I. But it's more about the fear of those surrounding us. I know how he feels. We both hated being targeted by the family. Unsolicited opinions and advice certainly wreaked havoc on what might have been. Justin and I could have been married by now and living at the house but the pressure to...what? Conform? Sacrifice? Anyway it wasn't the right time. This is. Ten years is a long-time to have a relationship-yes I'm admitting that it's a relationship too thanks to Sunshine- but a long-distance relationship is harder in so many ways. The constant fear and worry of how your lover is faring even though on the phone they tell you they're fine. Phone sex no matter how fucking hot can only hit the spot in so many ways especially with a man like Justin who I've been in and vice versa. Skype worked for awhile too but it wasn't the same watching him cum through a computer screen instead of being able to feel the after-effects of his release; to see that glow only a good hard full-bodied orgasm brings over him. Not being able to wake up next to him has been the bane of my existence throughout the whole experience. I used to love only having a corner of the bed while he was pressed against me on the other side- all arms and legs wrapped around me and his chin tucked in the crook of my neck. Yeah I complained about it but I still loved it. I remember that very first morning of waking up to him. I felt myself smile briefly before I turned and wrapped myself around him. Before I even realized what I was doing I had brought him closer and buried my face in the softest skin ever. Then of course I woke up and caught myself before I said or did anything embarrassing like mumble ‘I love you' like I did while cumming the night before. Jeez, talk about lesbianic tendencies right from the start! But Justin inspired those feelings in me from the beginning and over the years instead of dying down they've only gotten stronger. But contrary to what he may think or feel, they are reserved only for him and Gus. Not Mikey. Not Lindsey. No one else. So no, letting him cut this off is not an option for me. All I can do is hope that I'm not too late but I will turn right back around and board another fucking plane heading back to New York if I have to but he and I need to have a conversation which is long overdue. We should have had it in Canada but under Melanie and Lindsey's watchful eyes and offers of unsolicited advice there wasn't a way to do it. When we went to bed it was about satisfying the long-denied craving especially for me. I hadn't been with anyone else since we left London and I was ravenous for him. Of course he doesn't know that I've been monogamous...no one does. But after that last visit to the backroom it just wasn't worth it anymore. The person I wanted wasn't there and tricking just wasn't satisfying anymore. Besides I wanted to be sure I could do monogamy. Lo and behold, I can and the Apocalypse hasn't occurred. Amazing that...

 

"We're approaching landing. Everyone please fasten your seatbelts and thank you for flying Liberty Air."

 

Finally....FINAL-FUCKING-LY!! I just hope I'm not too late.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Ugh! Hey, watch it, Assho-"

 

We have a bond that's unbreakable and it's not time to let it go

(We're in love)

And now that we know it's real

We're gonna let it show to the whole world

That you're mine forever and you're mine

You're my everything

 

"Sorry, Brian."

Shit. Fuck. Damn. WHY? Well why the fuck not? This is what I wanted isn't it? To see him? To speak with him?

"Where you going?"

"Home." Yeah. That answer worked. I'm going to get the fuck on the plane and take my ass back to New York, write a ‘Dear John' letter and be finished with this whole fucking mess.

"Well if that's the case, you're going the wrong way. You up for coffee?"

Charming and commanding motherfucker. I should just say the words now and be done with it. So why can't I do it? What the fuck is wrong with me? "No."

"Then it's home then."

No don't smile at me....and then he did. Fucking Brian! "That depends on if you feel like getting on another plane since my home is in New York. I just raced the entire length of the airport. The least I should do is get on the fucking plane."

"Forget the plane and come home with me."

Shit now he's biting his bottom lip knowing how much that....fine! "Okay." Maybe it will be easier to do it this way. Maybe then he'll drop me back off at the airport and it will be all over. Why can't I just blurt the words out right now? Maybe it's because of his nearness and his scent. The fact that his mere presence keeps me enthralled and thirsty- makes me hungry for him. Fuck! I am in trouble. But it has to happen; we have to end, don't we?

Maybe I don't know what love is, maybe I'm a fool

I just know what I'm feeling and it's all because of you

Don't tell me I don't know, I want the truth

‘Cause they call it, we call it, you call it, I call it love*

 

 

*I Call It Love (sung by Lionel Ritchie)- Hermansen, Tor Erik/ Jackson, Phillip Lamont/ Eriksen, Mikkel

 

 

 

September 2014

 

 

 

Makes any difference, I still love you girl {boy}

 

You're my weakness, You changed my world*

 

Brian's POV

 

Now I can honestly say I am glad that fucking plane was late. I might not have run smack into him if it wasn't- or should I say he wouldn't have run right into me. He's as fucking gorgeous as the day I met him, more so even. I wish that I could erase every doubt and fear hidden in the blue depths of his eyes. His voice sounds resolved but his thoughts aren't. It's good to know that I could still read him even after not being near each other and I know he can still read me. He always could except when...no I don't want to think about Ian right now. I just want to kiss the doubts away; to use my tongue to wipe his mind clean or better yet to steal every thought and replace them with my own. Seeing him over there on the passenger side, I can feel his tension. It radiates off of him. I know it's been tough; probably more tough for him than it has been for me but then again probably not. Then again he doesn't know that. Regardless it's the path we- yes WE- chose and no it has not been easy. But since when are the things worth having in this life ever easy to get? And Justin Taylor is definitely worth having and certainly not easy.

 

Share my life, Trust in me

 

You're all I want, Everything I need*

 

 

 

"Brian you just missed your turn."

 

"No, I didn't."

 

"Considering I just rented a car when I got here, I know where the turn for Liberty Avenue is."

 

"I haven't lived on Tremont for the past nine years."

 

"Bullshit. I visited you there, in case you've forgotten."

 

"Oh I still have the loft. I mainly use it for when I have early morning meetings. A lot has changed since you've been away."

 

"Apparently. Brian-"

 

"Uh-huh. Wait until we get to the house. We're almost there."

 

 

 

Makes any difference, I give you all my heart

 

{Girl} my sun sets, Anywhere you are*

 

 

 

I know what he wants to say and what he wants to tell me but not yet. I won't let him tell me when I can't do anything to change his mind. Think Brian. Think fast! Okay... with any job there is a ninety-day trial and error period. Okay, I could sell that idea. I don't run an ad agency for nothing. I just have to make him see that he wouldn't be giving up his independence. That's what this is all about at the base of it. He wants to be with me, I know he does but our lives have become so complicated with business and people who can't seem to mind their business. But that shouldn't stop us from doing what we want. He doesn't have to stop building his empire to be with me...to marry me...to live with me. We really can have it all and I'll show him that if he'll let me.

 

 

 

Maybe I'm a dreamer, You're still my {queen}

 

Yourlove's like a river {girl}, Runnin' right through me

 

 

 

"What are we doing here?"

 

So he hasn't forgotten Britin. "We live here."

 

"Wait, I thought you sold the house after we called off the engagement, Brian. Why didn't you?"

 

"It's our home, Justin."

 

Yours."

 

"No. Ours. Come on."

 

 

 

Share my life Baby, You can trust in me

 

You're all I want, You're everything I need

 

I really mean it, Baby, I'll give you what you want, Baby

 

Baby, if you want it, you can have it

 

Baby it's yours*

 

 

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

 

 

 

Bargaining at Britin

 

 

 

I want you right here in my world

 

Here in my life, here in my soul

 

I want the world to know that I need you*

 

 

 

"What's on your mind?" Brian asked. Justin was so lost in remembering he hadn't heard him reenter the room.

 

"Nothing. Thanks," he said taking a relatively large gulp of the drink. Brian raised a single eyebrow and stared at him until Justin decided to tell him. "This isn't working for me anymore."

 

"What the drink? You just got it," Brian answered wryly before taking a sip of his own.

 

Justin looked at him directly. "You're going to pretend you don't know what I'm talking about?"

 

Brian took a deep breath. "I know what you're talking about. It's why I went to see you in New York."

 

Justin breathed a sigh of relief. Wait! "So we're in complete agreement?"

 

"If you're asking if we're in complete agreement that we should finally take this further then yeah we're in agreement."

 

Justin pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head. Justin moved away from Brian and the window, sinking heavily on the couch. This was going to be harder than he thought but there was no choice but to just say it. "No. I mean we should end this- us. It can't go any further. We've tried, have been meeting for ten years. Your schedule isn't letting up, neither is mine. It's becoming...difficult to not want more but neither of us can give any more than what we already have."

 

Brian slowly placed his glass on the ledge, walking toward the fireplace. Justin couldn't bear to look up at him. Keeping his eyes lowered he swirled the amber liquid around in the glass hoping Brian would just let it all go. There was just no way in hell it would work but he knew Brian pretty well. If there was one word to describe Brian Kinney it was determined, even though arrogant and persuasive always followed close behind. And despite of how easy Justin wished this would be he knew there was no way Brian was just going to let the matter go. He was right.

 

"You always look so innocent when you blow me off, do you know that?" Brian said.

 

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

 

"I seem to recall a situation similar to this one only the positions were reversed and you were determined to get me back. You were young and inexperienced then- innocent. I seem to miss that Justin right about now."

 

Justin laughed outright. "You're the one who took my inexperience for innocence, Brian. That was your fault not mine."

 

"Maybe so but now you're as experienced as I and definitely no longer innocent. How about trying this- us again? For real and for keeps. No bullshit. We both know what we want now. I want you not for a day or two weeks every year sometimes every two nor by accident; I want you for good... permanently."

 

"Well you can't always get what you want."

 

Brian laughed. "Sexually? Since when? But this isn't about that."

 

"I'm not a toy, Brian," Justin said vehemently. He knew he was in for a fight but damn-

 

"I know that, Justin. You want proof of how much I want you? Well you'll have to give me a chance to prove it."

 

So share my life, trust in me

 

You're all I want, everything I need*

 

Justin looked at Brian again shaking his head. "This whole conversation is fucking unbelievable."

 

Brian smiled that sly, slow and seductive smile causing an reluctant smile from Justin in return. "I thought we'd already established that I am." Brian moved toward him while keeping Justin's eyes captive; his stride purposeful yet evenly measured as if in no hurry. Brian stopped in front of him, leaning down to look him in the eyes. Justin had almost forgotten to breathe, his arousal rising with Brian's proximity. He was close enough Justin could feel his breath ghosting across his chin. "In fact it was right here, in front of the fire on the floor, tenderly then roughly but thoroughly that I proved to you just how UN-fucking-believable I am. Any of that ringing a bell? Or do you need a reminder?" His raspy voice asked as he stroked the side of Justin's nose with his own.

 

"What do you want?" Justin whispered before he could stop himself. Brian's lips had begun to rub softly against his own. Fuck! Brian had no need to use sex as a weapon. Brian was sex personified, a walking, talking, breathing aphrodisiac and he was obliterating Justin's resolve inch by inch.

 

I'm so glad to see you, Now I have the chance to say

 

Our love's been growing freely, What must I do to make you stay?**

 

"Ninety days," Brian whispered back, placing a slight but clinging peck to Justin's lips. "I already know your schedule is clear except for a few minor things so you can't hide behind work."

 

Fucking Daphne and her big mouth. How much else did she tell him? "Fine," he answered. "What else?"

 

"Later," Brian said diving onto Justin, stretching them out on the couch and kissing him thoroughly while blowing Justin's mind to bits.

 

Don't go**

 

 

 

Brian's POV

 

Ten years... Ten fucking years it took me to get to this point. When I think back to the night we met and all the things we've gone through, it really is a miracle that both of us still have our sanity. Between the bashing and the bombing alone both of us should be either drugged up or checked into a psych ward with a straight jacket, three meals a day and all the Xanax we could handle as fast as we can. That doesn't even include the other traumas of childhood, family and friends. I honestly wouldn't have made it through a lot of it without Justin by my side. I can admit that now- if to no one else but myself. Waiting for him hasn't been an issue...well not much of one. I understood that he did what he felt he needed to do. It was his life to lead and it still is. But I'll be damned if I let him leave now when we're finally at the place we've fought so hard and waited so long to be in.

 

I feel the time is right

 

‘Cause my love for you has grown

 

Up until this very night**

 

The boy- who was never really a boy in my eyes- is a full grown, self-assured man. More than the man I'd hoped he'd become. He's intelligent, has business savvy, gifted in so many ways and as sexually insatiable as I am; my equal in every way. And now he wants to leave? No! He spent the first five years of our non-relationship wearing me down, repeatedly breaking down my walls at every turn, surprising me around every corner and invading every aspect of my life only to want us to go our separate ways in the end? Bullshit! And now that I've actually accepted that I cannot and will not live without him, he wants to give me up? NO! These last ten years of covert meetings- some planned and some not- has taught me the most valuable lessons of my life with Justin. When we met fifteen years ago, there were things I never expected to find, love and unconditional acceptance were two of them. Unlike many people in my life, the only thing Justin has ever asked of me was to love him. Everything else I've done for him was because I wanted to. It took me awhile to understand the theory and stop running from the fact that I really did love him since that first night. Yeah, it started off as a healthy dose of lust but being with him- being inside him- quickly turned into something more. Something meaningful. Something life-altering. I can admit that the reason I ran and fought so hard against it was the fear of change and of giving myself to another person. I had belonged to my parents and look how that turned out. I was their son but they abused me. I was Michael's friend- still am- but he used me too. So did Lindsey, Melanie, Emmett and Ted. However intentional or unintentional it may have been, they did even if it was just for living vicariously through me or financially. I was happy to provide them with endless fodder to keep them from the inner recesses of my ice cold heart. Keeping people at bay was a skill I'd cultivated but I can't lie and say that their judgment and preconceived notions didn't hurt. They did but I'd learned a long time ago to just bury it and move on. But the arrival of a blond man trapped in a pubescent teen body changed all that.

 

I had doubts your love was strong enough

 

To break me down

 

Now I'm caught up in this web

 

You've spun for me tonight

 

Don't go**

 

Justin was the surprise of my life that I had no right or reason to expect. His innocence- even if he doesn't call it that- and his honesty reminded me of what I should have been like at seventeen instead of the worldly creature I was. I'd learned how to toughen up and harden my heart by then so to see an openly giving young man with a fabulous body, sparkling eyes and an untapped source of bravery, it was easy to want him- easy to fall for him. Then as time marched on, he became an addiction. I craved him, not just his body but his company. We would laugh for hours and fuck for hours and talk for hours. Many people would be surprised to know that about Justin and I. People just minimized our compatibility down to just sex because there's no question that we're both hot and whereas he was young, it was even harder to believe that the Stud of Liberty Avenue was more attracted to the Twink King of Babylon's brain than his ass. It was easier to put us into that box- to justify the ongoing attraction- especially amongst those who we consider friends. Little did they know that it was so much more than that.

 

It takes a gifted man, To release the love in me

 

So far you're the only man, Who has gone this far for me**

 

From the night we met, Justin has been there for every major event and crisis of my life including the birth of Gus and my father's death. Almost losing my job to a bogus Sexual Harassment lawsuit, John's lie about molestation, Stockwell and Cancer were other examples of how he'd been there. Whether it was just him listening or gathering information to help me out like the situation with John, he did more than just sit there. Sometimes it was just knowing that he supported me throughout it all, that made the difference. I never wanted to depend on another person for anything, yet I found myself doing just that with Justin. The more I fought against loving him, the deeper I fell. It's like a rip current- the harder you fight to swim against it, the faster you sink or the more exhausted you get. The funny thing is that Justin is easy to love unlike me. He isn't whiny or dependent nor is he aloof or combative. You never have to wonder what he's thinking- at least most of the time. From speaking with Daphne, I know that the distance and scheduling has taken a toll on him just as it has me but I think it was harder for Justin. I also know that for a period of time, something happened to change Justin but he hasn't said what and although my initial inclination is to push, I won't do that. He'll come to me or tell me when he's ready... if he ever is. All I know is that I can't lose him again. Yeah, he broke my heart once but considering how many times I've bruised and broken his, I'd call us even. If he leaves this time, I know I won't survive it.

 

I feel it's out of my hands

 

Can't think twice, it's much too right

 

This may be my only chance

 

Don't go**

 

Damn how morbid are my thoughts. Anyway, he's not going anywhere because I won't let him. It's as simple and plain as that. We've worked too hard, have sacrificed too much. I know it sounds kind of stalker-ish but there it is. He's. NOT. Going. I've always been the type to achieve whatever I set my mind to and this is no different. He's spent the better part of his adult years making me admit things and making me feel things so now it's my turn. I know beyond everything, including his sudden need to be free of me, that he loves me. Not superficially but that deep and abiding love that people spend their entire lives searching for; that elusive depth of emotion that permeates everything from decisions to the act of breathing. He's in love with me and I am with him. I just have to make him remember that he is. He hasn't stopped loving me and he never will but he has managed to suppress it- I know that all too well. So now the time has come again to put up or shut up and I have no intention of giving up. Of course there could be meaningless romantic gestures but really what tops a house? No, the key to Justin is much more elemental and primitive than anything I could buy for him. Besides he has his own money and could buy it for himself. What could I offer him at this point except all of me- my fears, my triumphs- my heart which is what he's wanted all along. I know he's had it even if I didn't tell him or show him that it belonged to him everyday. And he knows he has it, too. He wouldn't have stuck it out if he was unsure. No, our problem is that although I've wanted him and vice versa, I've been guilty of the same thing Justin has. I haven't asked for what it is I've wanted too afraid of stunting his growth as a man and as an artist. Too afraid of needing him. Well it's now or never. Either I show it to him or he's gone and that is just... unacceptable to me.

 

I've been such a fool, To have kept my love from you

 

Could have lost your love, Searching for the truth

 

Don't go**

 

I haven't set foot in the master bedroom since I had it remodeled. I've been sleeping in one of the numerous guest rooms instead. I hadn't had a desire to enter it until Justin came home. Opening the door and guiding him inside, I'd forgotten how much this really is our room. Everything in it, from the cherry wood furniture to the organza and cashmere drapes is ours. The bay windows and doors filled the room with bright sunlight which bounced off Justin's blond locks just like I'd always imagined it would when he'd finally came here.

 

"You like it?" I asked already knowing the answer but needing to hear it anyway.

 

"I can't believe you remembered, Brian." His voice was full of awe. We'd talked about the design at length on the way back to Pittsburgh the day after we got engaged.

 

"How could I forget? A whole half hour of listening to you ramble about designs and patterns on the way back to the loft while stuck in traffic."

 

Justin laughed. "You did your fair share of rambling yourself. When did you do this?"

 

I couldn't help but shift from foot to foot in nervousness. I'd already told him that I've been living here for the past nine years but admitting that I'd had the house redecorated while I was missing in action for the eighteen months after he left...well that was another matter. But I can't lie to him, not at this stage and no matter how tempting it may be to save face. "It was one of the first rooms I had redone before I moved in but I haven't been in here in awhile." He looked at me waiting for me to finish. "I didn't want to be in here without you." There I said it. Now it was my turn to wait.

 

Justin walked from bedroom to the walk-in closet, stopping to peek inside the bathroom and finally to the bay windows which lead to the balcony outside of our bedroom. I watched the blue eyes take in the landscape; watched the steady rise and fall of his chest as he absorbed everything he'd seen and heard from me so far. He moved to stand directly in front of me and although I itched to grab him, I stood there and let him touch me. This had to go at his pace for so many reasons; it had to be his decision how far he wanted this to go and how fast. I know that sounds strange coming from a known and self-proclaimed control-freak but I know what I'm doing when it comes to Justin. It's about Free Will- a concept that makes this his decision now. Mine is made and no, I'm not above seducing him until agrees to what I want but it wouldn't mean that he would stay. I could kiss and fuck him to within an inch of his life but it would be just a fuck to him. We would get off but it would still mean ‘goodbye' instead of him actually acknowledging that he wants to try this for real.  

 

 

 

"Brian, why do you want this now?"

 

"The question, Sunshine is why don't you?"

 

"It's not that I don't...not exactly." He swallowed hard and licked his lips. Standing there while he's unbuttoning my shirt and not touching him in return is slowly killing me but I know everything has to come from him in this moment. "It's just that it may be too late, Brian. That's not to say that I want it to be. There's nothing I've wanted more than this but our lives are so different now. I'm not that little kid who used to follow you around."

 

"I know that, Justin, probably better than most. In fact, I know that better than everyone except probably you yourself. And I've never treated you like you were mindless; never handled you like a kid."

 

"No, you haven't."

 

"So what's the real problem, Justin?" I have to ask it and he has to answer. If he really wants to be with me, then what's stopping him?

 

He hesitates and then kisses me skillfully in the way I like to be kissed. I know he's evading the question but because his lips, his scent, his nearness- everything about him- makes me instantly aware of him, I'll let him get away with it...for now. It escalates quickly which is another thing I don't mind. I haven't laid eyes on him in a year but it feels like it's been a century. As hungry as I am for him, he appears to be just as thirsty for me. The whimpers and moans escaping him tells me that. The feel of his nails scraping down my spine makes me involuntarily shiver while I'm constantly devouring his lips. I want to be in him-no scratch that- I need to be inside of him so fucking badly, that it's taking all of my focus not to strip him and flip him onto the bed in the center of the room. But I won't do anything beyond this until he asks for it.

 

Let's make sweet love tonight

 

I won't put up any fight

 

Your wish is my command**

 

Before I realize that we moved from the bay windows, I'm falling back on the bed with Justin towering over me. No one on earth could perform an eye fuck like Justin. Everywhere he looks on my body, feels like he's penetrating me- looking into me. It makes me feel hot and cold at the same time and increases my appetite for him to ravenous. As if reading my mind, Justin finishes undressing and climbs onto me. The skin-to-skin contact is incendiary as he begins kissing me again and rubbing himself all over me.

 

"God, I've missed this," Justin says and I can't help the small smile that formed on my lips in response.

 

Justin reached over to the side table and my wallet, opening it with a slight smirk finding a condom and a small tube of lube in it's normal compartment. My predictability in that regard is something he and I will always be grateful for. He doesn't waste any time preparing me or himself. Rolling the condom down my dick, he takes the opportunity to give me a hand job while plunging lubricated fingers in and out of himself. The moans and groan coming from both of us told me that we wouldn't last long this first time out. Pulling him over me, I kissed him deeply as he settled on top. I swallowed his gasp as I felt my dick breach both rings of muscle; felt him slowly sliding down, taking me in inch by inch. I held myself perfectly still absorbing the heat from him as he fully encased me, giving him time to adjust to the fullness. It took every ounce of restraint in me not to ram my hips upward while holding him down by the shoulders, making him take me hard and fast but this was Justin's show. If there was a time when words failed, our non-verbal communication never did. That's what sex is for us mostly- a way to say the things which could never be spoken aloud. Sure it's fun and burns a shit load of calories but it's also when Justin can't hide things from me and vice versa. We're most honest and vulnerable when we fuck. It's just our way.

 

Lay me down upon my bed

 

And make me feel the heat

 

Of your body next to mine

 

I just have one demand

 

Don't go**

 

Justin rode me fast and furiously, rotating his hips at the base to swipe across his sweet spot. His nails raked down my chest while my fingers dug into his sides. I knew there would be bruises on his fair skin but he didn't care; neither did I. The frenzied pace he set was punishing, an inhale on his ascension and an exhale of emotion on his descent. His eyes held mine captive measuring my understanding of what he could not and would not speak, letting his body convey the messages. The fear. The ecstasy. His wants and needs. The challenge of keeping him. I gripped his shoulder-length hair, pulling his face closer to mine while he continued to grind down onto me. I wanted him to see the assurance that this is what I want more than anything, willed him to see my acceptance of his challenge and my ambition in meeting it; I am not letting Justin Taylor go...EVER.

 

You send chills down my spine

 

I surrendered all my love

 

You captured all my life**

 

"Mine," I said through gritted teeth. A moan of surrender escaped him. I repeated it so that there would be no mistake or misunderstanding between us. He was here and here was where he was going to stay.

 

In just one night of ecstasy, You brought me to my knees**

 

Flipping him on his back without breaking the connection, I set about making him mine all over again just as I had some almost fifteen years ago. There was no fucking way, I wasn't going to fight for him with everything in me. Just like I fought for my life escaping my father and the streets in a past I won't talk about. Just like I fought the bullies who wanted to beat me down because I liked dick. Just like I fought for my scholarships and my career and my business. I will fight for the most important person in my life. Without Justin, I merely exist. He makes me want to live. I never feel more alive or aware than when I'm with him and I cannot go back to that other existence. I will not go back.

 

Your first bite was just too strong, You left a scar on me**

 

Justin's body stiffened underneath me and I knew he was coming right before I felt the sticky wetness between us and felt him tremble. I fucked him through it and then released within his tight ass. I wiped the tear out of the corner of his eyes while just looking at him in our bed where he belonged.

 

 

 

"Love me, Justin," I whispered hoarsely.

 

"I already do," he answered equally gruff.

 

"Then give me what I'm asking for."

 

"Ninety days. You've already got it."

 

"No. Forever. That's what I want."

 

"Brian-"

 

"Don't tell me ‘no' just yet, Sunshine. I know what you want and vice versa."

 

"But?"

 

"No buts. I promised you time. That's all it ever is. We've given everyone else their time; now it's ours."

 

"'It's only time.'" Justin smiled slightly. "Those were the last words you said to me before I left for New York. So what is this? Full-circle?"

 

"No. Their hourglass has run out. Their time's up. And ours is just beginning."

 

Don't go nowhere, you know I care

 

Stay right here with me forever, baby

 

I need you right here with me

 

Don't go**

 

 

 

*Share My Life (sung by Kem)- Owens/ Kem L.

 

 

 

**Don't Go (sung by En Vogue)- McElroy, Thomas Derrick/ Foster, Denzi