JUSTIN

You know, cosmos make listening to everyone complain almost fun. So here's the four months you missed. I'll start with each person who is now at my wedding bitching, on this joyous occasion, that almost did not happen.

So Brian was all happy and I worried a little. Why you ask, it all started with this idea that if I was going to do the whole adult engaged and being married thing, than I needed to be you know, more adult. Since Brian has like, things that require me to show up and carry on conversations, you know, like an adult. I figured I needed to study how to be boring, so the PJ’s and squad decided that we needed like a role model, who was you know, AN ADULT.

So I convinced MM to let me spy on Ben when they were dating. Let me tell you, absolutely nothing there to write my mom about. The thing was, I started to figure out how MM manages to get these guys, THEY'RE BORING.

Example A

Ben actually brought the cliff book on a date

See, I kind of blame MM for that one. He was trying to be all intellectual and stuff, saying that he bet if he read Ben’s book that he would understand it better than my twink-like brain. So Ben brought the book, not realizing that comics probably made MM’s reading level age around ten, which made the whole cliff book a bit above MM’s intellectual capacity. Let me finish telling you about the date, it can be summed up all in one, because apparently like, they were eating at the diner, walking in the park talking about Ben’s very Zenny life, and MM showed up at our house to gorge on comics because his brain was melting from all the big words. Brian of course had to make the mistake of telling me and MM that ADULTS aren’t all sex, drugs, and not showing up for work. You might see why I might have taken this a bit wrong. Which if I had ASKED him to explain, would have save me a week of torture. I actually showed up to work like all dressed, on time, and you know, worked.

EXAMPLE B

Ben has zero originality

So like since Brian did the whole sexing up Ben thing, I thought, hey tell me, and we could do the naughty things together. So Brian tied my ass up, gagged me (not with what I would have happily gagged on) and well, fucked me close to comatose. I must say, Brian definitely left me with some hope for MM, but nope. I got to hear how Ben tied MM up and they made sweet love. (Okay hold on for a sec, just sort of threw up in my mouth there). Our gang waited patiently to hear the hanging from the chandelier story and you know what we got, Ben seems to tie MM up without the gag. (I was going to do the whole orgasm denial, as in no potential for orgasm, but well when Brian comes out of the shower all squeaky clean and happy to see me, let’s just say Brian’s my Crystal) So all we got was the tie me up and sweet love stories. (I’m so glad that Ben never actually asked me out).

EXAMPLE C

Ben talks Life Lessons like Lifetime ruins a perfectly good novel with a movie that has nothing to do with the novel. (I was kind of pissed when they made my favorite book sink like the Titanic as a movie)

When we would have dinner at Spanking Deb’s, Ben would bring like, tofu. (See Chapter 6 of Brian chasing my ass for my opinion on tofu) Then want to talk about all the things that would bring us fuller lives. I might have said, with Brian I was really full, so no need to tell me anything else. Which only made Ben tell me that there was life outside of Brian. (Yeah, well he didn’t get Brian, so he really needed to find a life outside Brian). Then started saying that MM could improve if he could see there was more to life than being around immature people. (I took that one correctly).

But because I wanted to act like an ADULT, I dressed in a shirt and tie and showed up to work. If I even thought about going to Starbucks, I would immediately call Satan and see the error in my ways. I even made sure to have dinner ready and clean up all my usual messes. Brian seemed to be happy with my new ADULT SELF. I started to worry that Brian was maybe blinded by my perky ass, but when he got used to said ass, that suddenly my crazy would start to be a problem. I will admit I reverted for like a whole minute to the insecure guy he met.

So a week went by and Brian was all happy and I was exhausted by Friday, I mean I’m just not cut out for the whole real work week. I was also abstaining from good coffee because Alexia was pissed that I tried to help Starbucks. So when Brian said something about being a good fiance, I kind of blew sky high.

“I’ve done everything I can to be AN ADULT and I hate it. Do you know how hard it is to be this boring and not want to swallow like an aspirin, just to get some excitement by going to the ER. I did all this so you would see how fucking mind numbingly boring your life would be if I was a freaking ADULT, I mean you claim to love me because I’m not like all the others, but now I can tell you're thrilled that I took enough Adderall to keep from doing anything that could be considered childish and I just can’t do it anymore.” I ranted.

When I stopped, Brian was acting all relieved and then I found out that maybe if I might have ASKED him what he meant, my toes wouldn’t have gotten blisters from the whole week of wearing real shoes that I never broke in. I have to say when he threw me over his shoulder and gagged me (with something I like) life was back to normal.

Now MM is standing in my dressing room ranting kind of like I was, about Boring Ben (Zen just implies that it’s intellectual, which is not an excuse for boring).

“He said that I was stunted and needed to stop trying to tell people things that were on the front of a newspaper.” He tells us.

“He said you were emotionally stunted and that if headlines were all you could talk about that it would be better not to talk. I’m going to assume it’s because you seem to read the headlines but not the story, so you telling people who probably read or watched the story, your made up version just makes you look like an idiot.” Blake tells him, and really that was sweet that Blake wanted to explain to MM what Ben said.

“He told me that sex was more then making him do all the work.” MM tells us.

“Can we talk about you know, porn, it’s like all over the internet, and well, maybe watch some because like, you might figure out that the whole tie and sweet stuff is okay like once in a while, but you know, the whole chandelier thing would be better for like everyday use.” I tell him, pulling up the jacket to check if my ass looked fat.

“Baby, I don’t need you making me jealous with that, put the jacket down so we keep the lines right.” Emmett tells me, delinting me.

“Why would I want Shandalier, no offense Darren, telling me what to do?” MM asks us.

“No, but you know if he did the deed with Brian, Sweetie, then Ben probably likes a little bottom action once in a while.” Emmett tells him. We learned to just let MM have the illusion he understands.

“But no one ever wanted me to, you know.” MM turning red meant yes, we know.

“JUSTIN, are you going to come out here and get married?” My mom yells from other side of the door.

“MM needs help first!” I yell back.

“JUSTIN, if you don’t come out, I’m marrying him!” September yells, well she would be very disappointed when Brian would be sleeping with me either way.

“Maybe I should ask Brian how to top.” MM tells us.

“Sweetie, I might like to ride Drew’s magic stick, which won’t happen after last night, but I’ve been the one steering a time or two.” Emmett tells him.

“Emmett, I would just rather get advice from someone who has guaranteed results.” MM tells him.

“Ted likes the things I do to him.” Blake tells him, and that was all. Like absolutely no details or well, anything. I mean Blake looks like he could seriously do the good stuff. I mean Ted’s always smiley at work. Not that Blake is all smiley at Ted after last night.

“It’s all in the hips, you know, like this.” Marco tells him swing his hips in a way that I must agree. Thunder does too. Well she just looks at us a lot, but I told Brian that my wedding was going to include the new baby.

When MM tried I can see why he needs all the help he can get, because you know trying to swing like you have a hula hoop around your hips is great on toy night at Babylon (not those toys, I mean like beach balls and stuff) but sex, not so much.

“Some of us are just born to be bottoms, right Justin?” He asks. When everyone was looking at me I had to replay the conversation in my head, leaving out the fact that yes hula hoops can be all sexy when Brian like pulls me in and then….

Emmett snaps the fingers to get me out of my happy place and I thought about what MM asked. “Brian likes it when I top, but you know I like when he does too, so we kind of usually just switch between rounds or when I want to be able to walk straight the next day.” I tell them, and why are they all looking at me like that? “MM are you like about to have a heart attack or seizure or something?” I ask, because he’s like all gray and twitchy.

Blake had to actually sit him down and get him like a Xanax. Weird.

“Justin are we going to do this today?” Brian asks from the other side of the door.

“Yes, but I need all my people happy on this happiest day.” I tell him, sarcastically.

“Shit.”

Which he wouldn’t be saying if I hadn’t had to bail him, Drew, Ted, and Ben (who could be exciting with Brian leading him) out of jail. I left Satan and her cult in there, and the half naked strippers that were entertaining Brian’s VIP bachelor party. (I’m not mad about the strippers, I’m mad because he canceled MINE).

“You tell Drew that the Jag is just the beginning.” Emmett yells, and that’s a whole different mad right there.

JUSTIN

So I’m sure you're wondering about the whole jail and stuff, but first I need to get to what caused Emmett to go all ‘Homicidal Queen’ on the Jag. It started after I got over the whole ‘Being Adult’ episode. I was hanging out with good old Joe, you know, just suggesting that maybe he should like quit acting like the employees aren’t employees. Emmett came in to pick me up to look at suits, since I wasn’t going to be wearing anything fun to the wedding. Normally Emmett’s like all happy and talking a mile a minute, which makes it hard when I think of something to say, because Emmett really doesn’t pause long enough for me to say anything. I learned to just do the work that Murph tells me is my job, while Emmett's going on about stuff.

Well that day, he came in and didn’t say anything just got that look that says Drew might not be getting any sex for a while. Since it meant I got to talk, I didn’t ask, but I really should have. It might have saved the car, but hey, everyone needs to hit a wall with a car just once, it kind of makes you happy to survive, I know I was.

We were going to the other tailor in Brian’s life, when we see Drew walking down the sidewalk with this really built guy. Now really, it wasn’t all that bad, they just kind of hugged good-bye and the guy like tried to kiss Drew. Let’s just say the wall saved them, because when Emmett aimed for them I turned the steering wheel, I didn’t want to go to jail when I’d finally decided to get married. So Drew assumed that the brakes failed, and well I didn’t get to tell him anything because Brian comes running out of the deli that Drew and the other guy came out of to kill Emmett for like almost killing the LOVE OF HIS LIFE. Man, I was like all smiling through my bruised up nose, he actually said that out loud. Which kind of got lost in the ‘I’m going to fucking kill you’ that came next. Emmett had to suddenly open his mouth and tell Drew he wasn’t aiming at the wall. Needless to say, Emmett isn’t allowed to drive us anywhere anymore. Brian appointed Marco to drive, because apparently he isn’t a ‘crazy fucking queen’.

Drew got a new trainer, and the idiot is trying to get Drew killed by Emmett. The guy doesn’t get that Emmett has this thing about guys hitting on Drew. So like you would think that Drew would smarten up and tell the guy to take a hike, but no, Quinn is the best in the business and Leo Brown wants Quinn to be the trainer, so because Leo wants it and you know, pays Drew a few million to take ass shots in underwear, Quinn stayed and drove Emmett up a wall.

I wanted Emmett not to like, kill my five tiered wedding cake by throwing Quinn on it, so I’m keeping him in the dressing room to get a chance to see if I could eat a tier or two.

“Why did they invite the asshole to the wedding?” Emmett ask.

“Leo wanted it.” I tell him, because Emmett was close to the goodies with the lint brush and well, he tends to swing his arms when he gets all pissy.

“I’ve refrained from finding a sword and running his ass through, but I will not put up with all the touching the dick seems to think Drew needs when he works out.” Emmett tells me swinging, and man I’m just glad I evaded.

“Drew isn’t interested in Quinn.” Blake tells him.

“Really, then why has Drew been everywhere but home in the last month?” Emmett charges over to Blake swinging away.

“Justin, we didn’t rent the church all day.” Daphne yells.

“Tell the reverend, one more word and I’m going to bail Satan out to see this travesty.” I yell.

“Emmett, maybe I’m not the only one who’s not you know, doing it for my partner.” MM is not really helping me get married by saying that.

“I’ll have you know that when I ride, it’s a fucking carnival of feasts. No one leaves my bed saying they did all the WORK!” Emmett really didn’t have to bring up MM’s lack of, well, any skills.

“He was fine with the whole top thing!” MM yells, and I think the whole church heard that one.

“Emmett, so I’m going to say this and you know Brian will kill you if you touch one hair on my little blond head, right?” I ask him. He waves his lint brush. “It’s a secret and you need to calm down.” I tell him.

“JUSTIN!” Blake yells at me, and I didn’t tell.

“What do you mean secret?” Emmett comes to me and I squirmed, Drew really wanted to surprise Emmett today. Not that I’m still not pissed about the strippers, but Drew didn’t cancel them.

“Just that Drew was doing something for you.” I tell him. “And if I tell then it won’t be as fun when you find out.” I tell him.

“What about Quinn?” Emmett asks me.

“Yeah, that did seem a bit suspicious. I mean Drew disappears and so does Quinn, but you know, I kind of had the squad drop him off in random places. Brian started acting like I was all fragile after the car/wall thing. It was all sweet, and you know comatose sex is really more fun. I was topping way more than I wanted to, because Brian was worried that I would be like claustrophobic from being stuck in the car when the door wouldn’t open, but I was just looking to see if I would have like a awesome bruise.” I stopped when they all looked a bit lost.

“What about last night, explain that!” Emmett hisses at me.

“How you wanted to do the whole separate bachelor party so I wasn’t there. You and Blake were the ones who decided to go all ‘Spy Games’ on them.” I tell him.

“I will admit that I might have caused the whole Satan charging Babylon.” Blake tells us.

“Seriously, you two are way too jealous.” I tell them.

“You know, I’m just going to say, you don’t have room to talk Mr Pink Slip.” MM tells me.

“Hello, he thought Brian would drop my ass for his non existent ass, I thought maybe the ‘He’s just not into any ass but mine’ would have been enough to stop the stalking of my fiance, and soon to be husband. But no, the asshole strips and runs through Babylon shaking his erection killer ass at Brian, so I sent him the Pink Slip.” I tell them.

“Justin, I’m going to take this door off the hinges if you don’t get your ass out here and marry me.” Brian threatens, and you know I almost wanted to see if he could just come in and maybe join me in the closet but I was still trying to solve Drew’s soon to be lack of dick.

“Go wait, I heard that anticipation is almost as good as the sex I didn’t get last night.” I yell.

“Are you really pissed about last night?” He asks through the door.

Okay, now I could tell him no, because you know it was funny to see Satan in a cell next to Brian, but if I did then he would like know that if he broke down the door, we be married by now.

“I’m thinking about not being mad, so go play while I help Emmett.” I whisper through the door.

“I love you.” He whispers.

I backed away because I needed to calm Emmett down first. Blood is just not part of my color scheme.

“Emmett, I need to like get married, so can we fix your homicidal intentions?” I ask him.

“He’s sitting next to Quinn right now.” Emmett tells us.

“OH MY GOD, he wants to propose and wanted to dance, not like a club boy, with you after.” MM the big mouth tells him. I knew I could depend on MM. See, I didn’t tell.

“What?” Emmett puts the lint brush down.

“He asked Brian to help him learn to ballroom dance, so he could like dance with you and then propose.” I tell Emmett.

“But Quinn always seemed to be nowhere when Drew disappeared.” Emmett looks at me.

“I kind think Quinn’s like all brawn and absolutely no brain. I had the Squad like tell him that Drew wanted to meet him secretly and they would leave him like in places like biker bars and Satan’s cult. He kept falling for it so the squad, who has way too much time on their hands, started making bets on all the random places to leave him.” I tell him.

“So maybe I shouldn’t have put the icy hot in all of Quinn’s underwear?” Emmett didn’t tell us that.

“Is that why he seems to be walking so funny all the time?” MM asks.

“How does he not notice the smell.” Blake asks, and yeah, that stuff stinks.

“In a men’s locker room, there are too many smells to compete with. So I waited until he was touching Drew and added a little something to give him his own fire crotch.” Emmett tells us.

“Good one, remind me of that when Jasper does his whole, stalker gym rat.” I tell Emmett.

“Brian just lets Jasper get away with it because he likes when you get pissed about it.” Emmett tells me.

“Which is better than Ted kissing the fucking twink stripper.” Blake tells us.

I’m so never leaving this room. I don’t even know how to explain that one. I selfie Thunder to Brian.

“THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE SO NEEDS HIS OWN THUNDER”

“THE LOVE OF MY LIFE NEEDS TO GET HIS ASS TO HIS WEDDING, AND NO!”

JUSTIN

Oh my God, they called out the big gun. All of us just froze when I heard the voice. I swear she's up there with Satan. I could tell they were going to break and my ass would be married if I didn't think of something, fast. And yes, I want to get married, but only after I'm ready. Which probably sounds completely nuts, since we're at the church and all.

“Sorry, but until Blake isn’t pissed at Ted, we can't come out. I want this to be a happy day.” I tell the devil.

“Justin, I have rocky road fudge.” Deb whispers, and this is how good boys make it to hell, fudge.

“Um, can you still have it after we like solve ‘Twink kissed Ted’?” I ask, because she makes the good kind.

“Maybe let me in and I could help.” She tells us.

“That's like Ma code for ‘open the fucking door’.” MM whispers, but I can see mama's boy wants chocolate goodness too.

“Ted is dead to me.” Blake tells us, sinking further into his chair.

It was all that it took for us to ignore the fudge.

“Hey, Teddy loves you. I doubt he was into that guy.” Emmett tells him.

“Tell that to the tongue down his throat.” Blake tells us.

“Was it like, you know...?” I ask and realize they need me to explain. “So, like Brian loves me and all, but you know he's not blind, that men would dump my ass in a river for a chance with him.” I tell them.

“The general consensus is like, Jimmy Hoffa your perky bottom.” Marco so helpfully adds.

Shaking that thought completely away. “So he looks, but in the end it's my ass that gets Brian. So maybe Ted just liked all the attention that he's usually seeing by standing next to Brian. So when someone kissed him he didn’t know how to react and all.” I tell him, pulling that completely out of my ass.

“I used to pretend the guys were really looking at me, but well, I thought that because I usually stood in front of him.” MM is so right, that's why I looked the first time, he was blocking the view. We all look to Emmett.

“What, those guy were looking to bottom, not my speed, or even MM bottom boy to the masses.” Emmett tells us.

“So maybe instead of hiding in here, go out and like kiss the crap out of him.” I tell him, because I swear the fudge is coming through the vents.

“Let's talk about hiding.” Brian fucking Kinney says from behind me.

I look around and well I just don’t see how he got in. He's got all kinds of awesome skills.

BRIAN

You know, I've been patient with Justin’s never-ending crazy, but I'd like to actually marry the twat. He’s not really upset about the surprise bachelor party or even the strippers. He thinks he's mad because I canceled his, but I just had a feeling that he'd try to reform them.

“So can we finally get married?” I ask.

“Well, we still need to get Blake a little less likely to shred Ted’s boring wardrobe, but after that yeah, you know, since we’re in a church and all.” Justin tells me, holding Thunder.

“Fine, what’s the problem?” I ask Blake, anything to hurry this up.

“He was kissing someone else.” Blake tells me.

“And?” I ask.

“And I got pissed and told Satan and her followers that protesting outside didn’t stop the sinning inside. So Ted is acting all pissed that the cops were called and that it’s somehow my fault. When none of it would have happened if he hadn’t been kissing the twink.” Blake tells me.

“Shit, they're becoming you.” I tell Justin.

“What, I wouldn’t have sent in Satan, my squad would have done so much better and not ended up in jail with you and your strippers.” Justin tells me, acting superior.

“Well your other squad obviously hasn’t learned what your girl squad seems to know. That sometimes you punish by stealth. So you thought letting my mother into my club to throw holy water on us was going to accomplish what?” I ask Blake.

“I didn’t care, he was kissing someone who wasn’t me.” Blake tells him.

“So like, could you tell me what happened? I only got the whole jail episode.” Justin asks.

“Well, I went to see why there was a flood in my club. Since Ted seemed to be trying to get me to show up, instead I walked into a party to celebrate my last day of sanity. So since you and your women wanted to do this whole not being together thing, I stayed and witnessed less than stellar asses shaking in front of me while Drew sat there praying that today would make up for all the shit Emmett has been doing to that idiot Quinn. Ted meanwhile got jumped by a drunk twink who thought kissing Theodore was a fabulous idea, not realizing that the “Crazy fucking Queen” and “Ex Crystal Queen” seemed to think my mother just needed to see gay to understand it. So after being doused in her gallon of holy water, it seemed to make her disciples think after seeing Me, Drew, and Ben wet that maybe gay wasn’t so bad for the guys, but seemed to incite the lesbian not wannabes. So they decided to fight for their men. Let me tell you, lesbian’s fight dirty. So since a few cops got slapped and kicked for their trouble, we all ended up in jail. All because of Ted getting kissed.” I explain.

“Yeah that clears up so much, but like did anybody take pictures of you guys like all wet and everything.” Justin seems to be lost in the fantasy.

“Oh God, he’s never going to forgive me for shredding that brown suit.” Blake tells us.

“Yes he will, because I’m going to give him a raise for you getting rid of that horrible fashion mistake.” I tell him.

Justin sneaks to the door and puts his hand out while watching all this and really, like Deb would have not save him some.

“So since the door has opened can we do this.” I ask.

“Um, well Marco, do you have like anything we need to solve?” Justin asks while biting into the fudge.

You know I started this as a caveman and I’m ending this as a caveman. I threw Justin over my shoulder and walked him into the chapel. I am damn well getting married today. I put him down in front of Tom and took the fudge and handed it to Gus who put the whole thing in his chocolate covered mouth.

“Today we stand here to join Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor in Holy Matrimony.”

“Ouch Ma, I wasn’t protesting, I just wanted some of that before Justin eats it all.” MM whispers and yells at the same time.

“Can you skip the shit Justin might just have to think about and just marry us?” I ask.

“What do you mean, I’m here and all dressed, I can’t help that my people needed me.” Justin tells me, outraged.

“Yeah, I was kind of thinking that Drew’s gym need a Hummer to plow into it, but now I’m good.” Emmett tells us.

“Justin do you take Brian to be your husband?” Tom is really trying here, give him props.

“See, I kept that from happening. I do.” Justin tells me.

“Brian do you take Justin to be your husband?” Tom asks.

“You probably kept them pissed just so you could drive me crazy, but Justin you and strippers just sounded like a bad idea. I do.” I tell him.

“Is there anyone here…”, Tom stopped at my glare.

“Why, because I might have enjoyed looking at something other than your perfect chest and…”, And we’ve lost Justin.

“Finish it, while he’s distracted.” MM tells Tom.

“Then by the powers vested in me I pronounce you married in the eyes of God and Pennsylvania.” Tom tells us.

I kiss Justin’s pouty lips, and let’s just say Justin seems to be back where he was imagining my perfect chest, because I really had to keep my pants buttoned during that kiss, hello Gus.

JUSTIN 

This was not how I saw the reception going, I mean we had like, dancing and cake, but nope, somehow I'm now buying out the tomato juice section of Big Q. I'm never going to get Brian to agree to a skunk now. It's not my fault, even though I know Brian thinks it is. 

See, you know how I kind of told Brian that Thunder was attending. Well apparently there was a skunk in the woods, which wouldn't have been a big deal, but like, MM came out and said Thunder was missing. So Marco like formed a search party of PJs and the guys. I really have to thank Brian for making me stay because we were the hosts. So everyone was kind of looking in the house and the woods while we danced, and Drew called them back so he could officially propose to Emmett. Only like, Quinn comes out of the woods like the the hero of the hour telling everyone he found Thunder. Marco ran with the PJ’s and MM to go get Thunder. Everyone else wanted to see Emmett squeal with delight when Drew proposed. 

I was standing by the backdoor talking to Blake about possibly of you know, forgiving Twink kissing Ted, when the Squeal of Delight was interrupted by screams as the PJ’s and and MM ran out of the woods. I was distracted when Thunder came out and sat at my feet, picking him up, I tried to show everyone, but they were all being chased by a skunk that wasn't Thunder. I think the big clue was when the breeze shifted, or possibly when the uninvited skunk felt the need to spray anyone who stood still. Well for some reason it looked at Brian and must have seen the potential of becoming a fur hat if it dared, so the other one walked away from Brian.

I handed Thunder to Blake because it was headed towards my cake, but Brian caught me just as our uninvited guest turned and ran under the table set up for guests to sign in. Which I don't care what anyone says, Satan and her cult deserved what happened. I mean really, come to my reception to protest the marriage that already happened and you deserve what you get. Well I don't think that was why the skunk sprayed them, but hey, it did. I wonder if like the cult would form a running team, since they booked their ass out after the skunk chased them. 

Which is how Emmett, Blake, and I got volunteered to go get the tomato juice, we didn't stink. Of course Emmett was giggling in glee that Quinn got the worst of it. The moron tried to leap on the screaming skunk, but missed. The skunk didn’t, I’m not sure if tomato juice will get it off his face. I looked around, because they are not coming into my house smelling like that. I just couldn’t figure out what to put them in.

“Baby, I found something but we might need three or four.” Emmett yells from the toy section.

When Blake and I brought the three carts around, Emmett was pointing at pools. 

“They’re only like six foot wide and two feet deep, but we just need something for them to stand in.” He tells us. 

Sounded good to me, so we bought like six. Then went to the checkout where the chick didn’t even blink at the assortment of pools and tomato juice. 

“So... skunk?” She asks. 

“Yep, crashed my wedding reception.” I tell her. 

“Did it get on skin?” She asks.

“Yeah, right in the face, I couldn't have planned it better.” Emmett tells her.

“Do you have peroxide, baking soda, and dish detergent?” She asks, looking at something on her phone.

“Why?” I ask 

“It says it will get the smell to become odorless.” She shows me on her phone.

Blake and I ran to get the stuff, even though Emmett protested. I stopped and picked up a couple Slip and Slides because they are going to have to rinse off after and what better way than to slide. Then after spending a few hundred to de-skunk our guests, I sent Satan an email, but only because she deletes all I send. Maybe it will teach her that I do send helpful advice, or See the Light will just actually be the stinky group I tell everyone.

When we got back, Emmett told us he would handle Quinn, and we could set up the pools. Blake and I ran in to change into something other than our suits. Brian seemed to be the cruise director. Actually, more like he wasn’t getting dirty. So the tables were moved and like pools and half naked people were everywhere. Blake and I were asked to explain the whole slip and slide and in the middle of my explanation, Brian just walked away and told them to do it. Really it should have been self explanatory. 

Everything went according to plan and soon the smell lessened enough that eating cake didn’t sound as gross. So like, I cut the cake and ate Brian’s piece and mine then ran and leaped on the Slip and Slide. Then like everyone kind of did it, and it would have been great, but then, like MM decides to add dishwashing soap to the Slip and Slide without warning anyone. Let’s just say there was distance sliding going on. Poor Quinn ended up in the woods, with Emmett laughing up a storm. Did I mention that for Quinn, Emmett like didn’t mix the peroxide with the baking soda like we read, but kind of dumped it in Quinn’s hair. The weird red and rust streaks aren’t horrible, but I think it was poison ivy he landed in. Whatever, it made Emmett happy on my happiest of days.

Mom wanted to toasts to be done, so she like stopped Brian from sneaking me away and called for everyone to say something. 

EMMETT

“Brian, you managed to get him to the altar, never thought anyone would be crazy enough to marry you, but then I guess you needed someone with Baby’s special brand of crazy. Have fun and call if you get bored.” 

Brian glared at Emmett.

TED

“Um, I honestly have to say I couldn’t think of anyone who deserved Justin more than Brian. Good luck and if you need bail money, call.”

Why would Ted think Brian needed bail money?

MM

“A few years ago, I would have said Brian wouldn’t have married anyone unless it was… well, so Justin isn’t so bad. Although you know, we could have all gone with you guys to Cancun.” 

We were so going to have to go back to Big Q, cause I like, burn. Thanks MM for ruining my surprise!

SEPTEMBER

“The girls and I would like to say, it’s not fair. I mean we all get like dressed up and you know out of bed, and Justin manages to land you. OUCH, congratulations Justin, even though…

DAPHNE

“WE WANTED TO SAY WE ARE HAPPY FOR YOU.” She wasn’t look at us, but September.

“I also wanted to add that anyone who needs to know how Justin did it, needs to apply with the squad as we are accepting applications for GBF’s.

MARCO

“Daphne, me, and the PJ’s will talk to you guys later. Justin you are our Prince and we will diligently follow the example you gave us in landing the King.” 

“What, never get dressed, show up for work willy nilly and possibly plan world domination?” Brian mumbles.

MOM

“Brian, thank you for finally giving me a son-in-law to torture Craig with. Justin, maybe actually listen to Brian and don’t get in any trouble in Mexico.”

“MOM!” I yell as we get up to go.

“Listen to me? That’s a pipedream.” Brian comments.

“I listen, it’s just you never want me to do anything fun.” I tell him.

“Gagging you was fun.” He tells me, pulling me behind him.

“You just wait, one night I’m going to gag you.” I tell him getting in the car.

“Can’t wait.” He smirks.

I waved as they discovered that birdseed sticks to you when you’re still wet.

Skunk Smell Remover:

1 quart hydrogen peroxide

¼ cup baking soda

1 teaspoon dish detergent (Dawn works the best)

Mix together and wipe it on. For fur or hair, rub it in. Rinse well afterwards.

This really does work. Tomato juice does not.