BRIAN

I don't know what's happened. My Justin has been acting normal. It started right after the honeymoon and I'm just not sure why. I mean, it’s not like what happened in Cancun was anything different than I expected, so Justin suddenly making sense when he talks, just puzzles the hell out of me.

We got to Cancun and immediately commenced the Honeymoon. Justin barely got through the door before he was stripping off his shirt and pants, and throwing blankets and pillows off the bed. Which seemed to thrill the guy bringing in the bags, so much so that he left without a tip, smiling. Not that I wasn’t smiling myself at the eagerness that Justin displayed. I didn’t waste time, just threw him on the bed and licked down his chest until I reached what I waited to gag on. Justin, who could never sit still and let me do all the work, yanked me up and threw me on the bed and proceeded to devour my cock. I ran my hands through his hair as he seemed to want to break the world record of how deep he could take me. Then I felt the fingers tease my rim and his tongue massage my balls and knew that Justin was planning to go first. As he opened me up for him, I concentrated on not finishing without him. Justin levered up on his knees and lubed us up and in one power thrust was all the way in. I held him still so I could get used to his girth, and then loosened my grip as the pleasure overrode the pain. Which Justin knew meant he could move, and move he did. As he moved the headboard slammed into the wall and my loud moans were most likely thrilling the entire floor. Justin’s thrusts became faster and I could feel him expand and unleash his load inside of me. I didn’t give him a chance to rest but tossed him to his knees as I spread his cheeks and kissed, licked, and spread him open for round two and good God, it’s different when there is nothing between me and the silky walls of his ass. I held him still, trying not to cum like a virgin, but it was hard not to when I could feel him sliding out of me while I slid into him. I managed to make it for close to an hour before I couldn’t hold it any longer and loaded him full of me. We clasped on the bed and lay there panting, knowing that in an hour we would go again. After a shower and Justin deciding he needed more protein, I gave in to sleep, holding him.

It was when I woke up without a blond husband that the problem started. Walking into the living room, I found Justin drinking coffee and looking at out of the way places we could go. I assumed we could lay on the beach and get a tan, then repeat last night for the next week, but Justin seemed to think if we were in a new place then it was time to see the sites.

He got the idea that he wanted to try fishing, so as much as I couldn’t see him liking it, I rented the boat. What we got was that Justin seemed to like the whole catching the fish, but then spent the time it took the guy to get the fish off the hook apologizing for any pain the fish might have felt because of the hook. I think the captain of the boat wasn’t sure how to deal with Justin’s freak out when he hooked a Mahi Mahi (we had to be told what the fish was) pulled it in expecting to do the whole apologize and toss back into the sea thing, but instead watched the guys slice and dice the thing. He kept trying to explain that there were fish already dead at the market and to let the pretty fish go, then he passed out when they gutted the thing while still alive. I kind of ate it before he woke up. I mean they tossed the cut up strips in salt and lime then add red peppers and it was like sushi and none of the carbs that Justin seems to love. When Justin recovered he looked over the side of the boat deciding he wasn’t going to add to the mass killing of fish, since he felt he was the only one catching anything, I guess he forgot we were the only one’s on this cruise.

Dolphins came swimming up and the twat thinks that means jump in, he seemed to forget the chum that was thrown in the water to help him catch said fish. I think when the dolphins swam around him he had this idea that like Flipper, the dolphins would protect his ass from the shark headed towards them. I learned that hooking Justin was almost like hooking a fish, he struggled, leaping this way and that way until we got him closer and pulled his ass onto the boat.

“When a shark came, Flipper stopped him from eating that kid.” Justin tells us when the captain asked why he didn’t swim back.

Then it was the alligator farm, and you know, the skunk thing was starting to sound better and better when Justin seemed to think having a baby alligator sounded like a wonderful addition to our house. He even explained to the guy who barely spoke English how he could raise it with his cats. I think the when the guy said “Yes, eat cat.” Justin got that nine lives would not be possible from the belly of an alligator. It was really brought home when the twenty foot mom swam by.

Justin decided that we needed to explore the flora and fauna, I thought hey, waterfall, naked Justin. So I have to admit that I was all for it. We followed the path that the bellboy told Justin was a local thing, and well, the bellboy looked hot naked smiling at us, but alas we had decided to abstain from others, so Justin smiled took a few pictures on his phone and sent them to various friends and somehow to his mother and Deb. We found out only because Jen wanted to know why Justin was around other naked men that weren’t me. I somehow became the good one in Jen’s eyes. (And yeah I snapped a few too.)

It was on the way back that Justin ran into a snake and I think scared the hell out of it. He screamed, tossed leaves at it and ran faster than I ever thought he could. I was sort of enjoying the bounce as he took off. Then decided I better stop him from going further in the woods, only problem, I kind of lost him. I called his phone which rang in my pocket and after an hour of searching called naked bellboy to help me find Justin. We searched for a few hours and then the bellboy (dressed) showed back up and told me that he found Justin. You might say I was angry, well there really wasn’t any might about it. I charged past the bellboy and straight to the beach where apparently Justin had been cliff diving and then remembered that he needed to get back to the hotel, so I’m assuming the guys felt bad for the lost idiot and brought him back. When I saw him I know the words crazy fucking husbands and possibly irresponsible came out, but he was trying to juggle fire sticks and I’d been in the fucking sauna they call a forest, worried. I figured everything was still fine when Justin dropped the fire and we fucked like rabbits in the hot tub in the room.

After that Justin seemed to spend all his time under an umbrella, while I tanned. Sex was still a constant, but the honeymoon went from Justin wanting to go everywhere to us just doing what I wanted, tan and fuck.

He was still Justin, until we woke up back home the day I was returning to work. It started with me waking up at seven and Justin not being there. I got up to see towels laid out, my suit on the chair and the four cats sitting by the closed bedroom door waiting to be let out into the house.

I got down stairs and there he was, dressed to go to work. When I say dressed it was not the normal what ever was clean, but an ironed shirt and pressed pants. I looked at his feet because I needed my normal, but no, he had real shoes on. On the counter was toast and coffee and Justin reading the newspaper, not the comics. I really wanted to see if he had a fever.

“What are your plans?” I ask, expecting him to say Starbucks, or anything but going to work.

“I called Murph and Cynthia landed an account while we were gone. I really need to get to the office to make sure I understand what they need. We might need to take both cars today, since I might have to work late.” He explains and there were none of the things that make it Justin saying it.

I nodded figuring that this was just Justin planning to take off to Starbucks or his daily dose of Satan, but when I arrived fifteen minutes after him, he was working, and he stayed there all day. At that point I needed to call in the cavalry because I didn’t know what the hell to do, my day was boring, no excitement, just mind numbingly boring. Emmett came first and tried to tell Justin that Mel and Lindsay were coming for my sperm. Justin’s reply was having a second Gus would be wonderful. Emmett even tried the viagra maker, that Mel wanted to do it naturally. Justin flinched but shrugged.(I almost considered divorce.)

The PJ’s came in dressed like they always are, and for a minute looked as if he was ready to run, but then told them that he couldn’t because work was more important. When Jasper started his usual flirting, Justin patted him on the head, and bought him milk and cookies before going back to his desk.

I returned to my office, deciding to call and see if Justin refilled the Adderall he got Alex to prescribe him a few months ago. I found Daphne sitting in my office tapping her toe and not really happy to see me.

“So you wanted him to act responsible, enjoy.” She tells me smiling.

“He fucking left me searching for him while he cliff dived and tried to juggle fire, don’t tell me you wouldn’t have been pissed too.” I tell her.

“Of course, but after the whole adult thing, he’s trying the ‘punish by stealth’ thing.” She tells me.

“Thank God, I thought he was really trying to be normal.” I sigh in relief.

“That is your punishment.” She tells me.

“WHAT?” I scream.

“He’s going to be the best stepford gay husband you could ever want. He even said ‘no kids, just cats’.” She tells me.

“He’ll break.” I tell her, and he will, he can’t do this to me.

“He better, because I did not work this hard for him to be normal.” She glares at me.

Now I just have to figure out how break him.

JUSTIN 

It itches, being like all normal, itches. I think I'm developing a phobia to normal. It's only the first day. Do you know how hard it was to not put on my monster slippers this morning? I honestly like, squirmed. I had to erase Satan from my contact list because she just brings out the need in me to screw with her day. OH MY GOD, I actually worked a ten hour day, I'm absolutely sure it’s a sign of the four horseman. 

I've spent half the day in the supply closet, counting markers to keep from screaming ‘FREEDOM’ and running to make coffee. Then Emmett shows up telling me that the sperm hunters were after beauty sperm again, I think my tongue is bleeding from using my teeth to stop the “Are the bitches nuts?” from coming out of my mouth. Why did I think this would be funny?

Then Marco had to show up in the standard PJ uniform and I considered gluing myself down, when the urge to run happened again. Let's just say Jasper was my outlet. I wonder if the Ex-lax I covered the cookies with is working, but I can't go see if my idea worked because I'm trying to keep up this like, ‘acting like an adult’ exercise.

I will not break. But now Brian thinks we should go to Babylon, and come on, how do I do the stepford thing when there's so much I could get into there? I really want to get Brandon, but how without blowing my hard work?

See, Brandon seems to think that he's like, better than Brian, but you know there is just no way. He's like the dull copy of the original, and I so wanted to deal with him when I got back, but then Brian had to act all pissy because of my escape from the snake. So I had to call Guido of the unfortunate speedo and tell him to wait on the video of Brandon’s side job. I think if people get to see that he rents his ass out to bridal showers as entertainment, it would entertain us, right?

See, I didn’t get a chance to explain how the whole cliff falling happened, because I figured sexing Brian up might be better than explaining that I ran my ass off a cliff when I was escaping the snake. Then, like people were clapping when I managed not to drown, so I kind of thought I’d do it again with like, acrobatics, and well let's just say I was ‘King of the Cliff’. Which would have been awesome, but like someone mentions their spouse and I realized that I had one of those who might be like, looking for me. So they like show me the easy way back, you know, dive one time and swim to the shore on the other side. I got back and felt the need to do some shots of tequila cause I’d swallowed enough salt already. Which made the whole fire juggling sound like a totally awesome skill to show the guys when I got back. Only like, Brian comes out all sweaty and screaming and well, you can guess my reaction. It was when I was all relaxed that I remembered what he said. Which yeah, I get where he was coming from, but I thought we covered this during my addiction to Adderall.

So here I am, sitting at the bar trying not to run into the crowd and like shake my ass, cause it gets me like laid in the most satisfying ways. When Brandon showed up and like gave me the look, I almost asked if the hot dog in his pocket really outweighed the salami in Brian’s, but it would have caused my good husband routine to change.

To make matters worse, Brian was being all ‘sweet husband’, smiling at all the boring shit I was doing. Then when we came home he like went up stairs and came down in my ‘Kiss It’ pants and kitten slippers. What the hell, he’s the normal one not me.

BRIAN 

I started to see the fun that could be had. So instead of simply explaining to Justin that I was reacting to the three hour tour of the woods, I think it's time to show the twat my idea of how this marriage should work. See, I like that he does the crazy shit in this relationship, it helped to reduce my stress levels. 

Here's my reasoning. My friends do stupid crap all the time, but unlike Justin, there's absolutely no rhyme or reason to what they do. Now I know most people view Justin as simplistic, but really, he thinks up a plan and executes it from start to finish. I was impressed at how he turned my sister from a whining pathetic mess into the soon to be part owner of the coffee shop Alexia opened. Which saved me from numerous phone calls about how life was unfair and that I got all the good shit from Jackass and St Joan. It just made me have to marry him before he took over the world.

So tonight I am going to show Justin exactly why he needs to return to the often confusing bundle of lovable blond that I love and married. So with that thought I went to the bedroom with the idea of showing him how I should never be him. I'm going to admit only to you, that my ass just doesn't do his pants the justice they deserve. The cats all seem to agree, because they look confused, maybe Justin needs to see how our children are taking me dressing down. I ended up having to pick up Regina and Rocky when they seem to be trying to keep the slippers off my feet. Sunny and Ally just hid when I pulled off the Armani, they know things have gotten strange in Justin’s world.

Skipping down the stairs I leaped off the third step and pranced onto the living room. To say that Justin was confused would have been putting it lightly.

“I still have those?” He asks. 

“I know like I thought they like perished but no, I guess it's like when you take my shirts to the cleaners, the ones you like hate seem to disappear, then like reappear like in the back of the closet. I was practically twirling in joy when they were like in the box marked ‘Goodwill’.” I tell him, grinning like a fool.

“But you li… only dress so… well you know.” He stumbled out.

“Yeah, but like look at my ass, it's like telling people what I really wish they would do, but maybe I should call Marco and the squad because I really want to show off my new style. I bet Ben would be like so jealous, cause he really would have liked to be in these at one time, but since he won’t, it could really just be me showing everyone how hot you think I am.” I tell him. I really appreciate the stamina Justin must have to be like this all the time, well usually.

It was the moment I knew he was catching on, because the confusion lifted. Unfortunately my victory was short lived, because he's not an idiot, just acts like it on occasion.

“That's actually a wonderful idea, but I really think you need to learn how to accessorize the pants.” He tells me running to the stairs.

I pulled a Justin then and replayed that sentence in my head and rewound it a dozen times. The king of ‘if it doesn’t stink it’s clean’ is going to teach me how to accessorize? I ran up after him and found him on the floor with the cats pulling a box out of the back of the closet. I know the closet is huge but how did I miss that box?

“These will tell everyone what the pants don’t” Justin tells me handing them to me.

I wanted to ask, but really is it any surprise that he had these? I pulled off the slippers and watched as Regina and Rocky took off with them. I stood with the new items and just couldn’t, somehow this would be posted to God only knows what site if this touched my body. Justin sat with a satisfied victory grin, but you know, I really couldn’t let him win unless I won too.

Dropping the items on the bed I peeled his pants down my legs and made sure when I faced forward that he saw what he could have if he just gave in. He sat there covering Ally and Sunny’s eyes, but I could tell his mind was off in that place it goes. Laying back on the bed skimming my hands down my chest, I waited. 

I heard the cats being locked in my closet not his, and almost leaped up to save my favorite coat, but I knew we were in the middle of a war and I couldn’t show weakness. Justin would find a way to exploit it. So I reached for his favorite toy and stroked it with lube till it glistened, I felt the bed move and Justin crawling up my body, taking my hand away from the strawberry lube he so loves to taste on me. Then as he slurped me down and put his hand out I put it out of his reach and turned him so I could return the favor. As I got Justin to the perfect hardness, he got me ready for him. Then pulled himself from my mouth and turned until he was sitting over me and lowering himself on me. The moan of pleasure was exactly the Justin I knew. It only took minutes before we were flipped so I could thrust faster into him and get the screams that I loved. When I came he shoved me over and impaled me on him and thrust to finish himself off. At the loud scream as he came, we heard a loud scream from the door. Justin fell forward and we both looked over to see no one standing there, but when we looked to the ground, there was Mikey, being fanned by Emmett.

“Um, we kind of thought we could like talk Justin out of his crazy ass stepford plan, but well, since you're kind of in your happy place, maybe later.” Emmett smiles, slowly closing our door.

“I’m so like going to post like flying MM penis pictures all over Liberty Avenue.” Justin tells me.

“Really, you have LIKE pictures?” I ask.

“Yeah, you know like when he was disappointing the masses, when I somehow thought maybe you were like going to kill me and decapitate me?” He sees my confusion. “We are so going to like watch Discovery ID serial killers edition, because you would so see why I thought you might want to do the head in the jar for the cats.” He tells me.

“Why do you watch shit like that? With your imagination it’s no wonder you think everyone wants to kill your ass. Which isn’t anywhere close to the truth. Men see that ass and think like, ‘fuck it’.” I tell him and then groan. “Shit, it only takes minutes for you to turn us, doesn’t it?” I ask as he nods.

“I’m too tired to do normal tonight, but I promise I’ll like be all ready tomorrow. I mean you really have to work at it.” He tells me. “You think we like need to check on MM, he’s been all twitchy since the wedding? I mean I like mentioned that you know, I don’t only bottom, and I swear he was having a heart attack.” He tells me seriously.

I didn’t care, because at that moment I knew he was in there, and most likely going to break free tomorrow when Mel helps me with the breaking of Justin Kinney.

JUSTIN

I woke up ready to face another day. I left Brian buried under cats and went to my normal wear closet. It's like black and white, in a weird way I could almost see the parallel of my two sides. I mean it's all boring compared to my closet of fun. I just knew I had to not look at all the fabulousness of my slippers if I was going to make it. So, putting on the itch inducing clothes I hurried down to the kitchen and swallowed a bowl of Frosted Flakes, cause they’re GRRRREAT. Then prepared the boring coffee and toast and sat down with the paper, and I got why MM might not like actually read this depressing thing, but I at least managed to look like I was.

I looked up as Brian came in the kitchen wearing sweatpants and a muscle shirt. It took a few moments for my mind to get back before I was able to like not say things, well like, like.

“Darling, are you coming to work late?” I ask, trying not to giggle at using sticky sweet names.

“Sure, I’ll see you there.” He tells me, pulling out my Frosted Flakes and eating them. (And I mean like swallowing them without checking the calories.)

I decided he wasn’t tripping me up today, so I like skipped my ass on to Kinnetik. I got there and Jasper was running towards the bathroom, I like silently scored the win on my tally sheet in my head. It wasn’t until noon when Ted showed up at my desk.

“Justin, did Brian say anything about not showing up today?” Ted asks.

“When I left he was like eating Frosted Flakes and saying he would like, be here.” I tell him taking the point off my tally for saying like again.

“Did you say he ate Frosted Flakes?” Ted asks me.

“Yeah, and you know he didn’t even like look at the nutritional values.” I tell him.

Ted and I seem to get that maybe something's not right in the land of Kinney. I texted Daphne, because if Brian can GPS my ass then my ass can GPS him.

“How are you my GBF?” She texted.

“Because I lost at LIKE arm wrestling?” I responded.

“You do realize technology is the future?” She sends.

“Well my future is MIA, could you maybe help HBF?” I send.

“He's fine, but I don't know if Mel will still be a LBF after.”

“WHAT!!!!!!!!!”  

“She's hoping for a girl”

“GPS NOW!”

“I need like, Satan or maybe a minion or two, because Brian has lost his mind. I mean like, girls are all wet and messy and you have to like pretend that it’s just way too much lube.” I tell Ted.

“Justin what are you talking about?” He asks.

“Mel is attempting to get like Beauty Sperm, which will kill all my chances of like ever getting laid again. Do you know how long it took me to like get hard again after helping out a friend? Well I kind of like ran out and screwed the first available idiot I could find, but it just led to like, stalking, and really, I wasn’t even trying to be that good in bed, just erase that I like deflowered my bestie.” I tell him.

“Justin, what does this have to do with Brian not coming to work?” Ted seems to think this is time to be reasonable.

“I told you like two times, he’s… fucking with me. Well I think it’s time to see how he likes this.” I tell Ted who seems to think I’ve lost my mind.

“Darling, when you're finished could you pick up some juice.” I text Brian.

“It might take a while cause like, Lindsay and Mel decided two was better than one.” He sends back.

“I’ll let Satan know you're finally giving her what she’s been dreaming of.” I sent, giggling.

“Yo Satan, Brian has turned to the darkside. Get your cult and let them witness like, the miracle of your spawn getting it up for a girl.” I tell her when she answers. “I think the loft… okay, sorry I wasn’t enough to keep him gay.” I hang up, laughing.

I get up and run to the house and grab my kitten slippers and fall back on the bed. Then remember that MM and I need to have a talk, so I run to my closet and grab my tightest jeans and red half shirt. I figure Brian is going to be busy with the cult and I can cut loose. Putting my boring clothes in a bag, I pet our babies and throw food in the bowls.

Then I realized my mistake and run to change back into boring and run back to my desk. He almost managed to get me.

BRIAN

I was sitting in the loft waiting with Mel and Lindsay, they seem to be having a great time with this. I re-read the Satan text. He wouldn’t. The fucking twat would, because there she was with five of the cult buzzing my door. I swear he’s just devious.

“Ted where is he?” I ask.

“The better question is, why are you not at work?” He asks me.

“I’m trying to outsmart him.” I tell Ted.

“Do you really worry about that, I mean we are talking about Justin. You know the conversations that seem to start out with one thing then wander off into what-the-fuck-land.” He tells me.

“Ted, think about what Justin does, does that seem like someone who doesn’t plan the bullshit he does?” I tell him.

“You’re enjoying this aren’t you?” He asks.

“He’s probably the most fun I’ve ever had.” I tell him.

“He left, but showed back up and is at his desk. You need to plan better, because you're right, his plans actually had you running.” He tells me.

I sat there thinking and praying that the girls weren’t doing what they probably are in my shower. Ted’s right, Justin is probably wondering if I have any real imagination. It’s just, normally I smirk and assholes line up to make me happy. I open a window and look at my mother who is standing with her cult, then walk to the kitchen and grab a pail, looking through the many shitty colognes that Michael purchased for me during his Big Q days. I pick the two I really thought were bad ideas and pour them in. Walking to the window I whistle and pour it all over them, good luck getting a bus to pick their asses up. Now, what to do, just not going to make coffee. People are already pissy when they walk in, and me saying “Fucking order already” wouldn’t really work.

I decide maybe it’s time to really bring out the kid in him. I mean slip and slide is one thing but I wonder how his responsible self is going to feel about this one.

“HAD TO ABORT MISSION BABY. SEE YOU!”

“Girls lock up, I’m taking Gus with me.” I yell, and cringe as I hear them moaning.

I picked up Sonny boy and drove off, waiting to see if we could play ‘Justin chasing Brian’.

JUSTIN 

I stared and stared. How could he? I mean the picture of the water park was one thing, but really, pictures of him and Gus riding every ride, that's just wrong. Well I decided that if he got to have fun, well so would I. I called my phone tree and got dressed, my husband will not be in anymore pictures with lifeguards.

“Justin wouldn’t it make more sense just to give in?” Ted asks.

“Are you kidding, do you not see this?” I ask, putting my phone in his face.

“They aren't even touching.” Emmett says from the back seat.

“You’ve got to admit, before Justin, that was right up Brian’s alley.” Why did I bring MM?

“Because you have this weakness for the idiots of the world.” Blake tells me. OOPS, I really have to stop saying things out loud.

“Justin, even though I hate you for getting Brian, he wouldn't cheat.” September tells me. 

“He's just trying to stop this plan you had of acting responsible.” Daphne tells me. 

“I swear you guys are like, such a disappointment sometimes.” I tell them. 

“WHAT!” They yell. Man I think I like lost hearing in my ear.

“My actual plan was to get him to realize he could be irresponsible. I mean, I like need him to be responsible because we all know I'm going to screw up, but for once, he could run off and have fun.” I tell them.

“Wait, you told me you were going to torture him for yelling at you.” Daphne tells me. 

“And what’s the first thing you did?” Ted asks her.

“I told Brian.” She grudgingly admits.

“Exactly, I swear we are going to have to hold a class on how to plan, because you have to like prepare for HBF interference. In fact, you all are sitting with the one person who managed to keep his mouth shut.” I tell them.

“Ted never tells anything.” Blake tells us.

“I’m as surprised as you guys are that he had a secondary real plan.” Ted tells them.

“Well we all know it isn’t MM.” Daphne tells us, eyeing September, but then knowing she would have blabbed too.

“I would have kept it a secret.” MM pouts.

“Like my proposal?” Drew asks.

“Justin made me do it.” MM can really make Gussy seem like, all grown up sometimes.

“I might have wound you up, but you like, spew like a volcano. I just learned how to get you to do it.” I tell him, smirking.

“Wait, who didn’t tell?” September asks.

I think since I kind of let them rule out everyone in the scooby van I rented, it should have been obvious by now, but hey, they just couldn’t believe the Queen could keep quiet.

“It was me, or at least he used me, because he needed a wardrobe for the part.” Emmett tells them.

“So let me get this straight, or at least run it through the maze your mind seems to go in. You acted responsible because you wanted Brian to not be?” Ted asks, and really, he just said the plan, so why ask?

“Well, yeah. I mean after listening to hours of woe is me Claire. I saw me, waiting to break out of Brian. So I sat around under the umbrella making all these plans. Which really ruined the whole “Real Lives of the Men of Babylon” night I so wanted to do, but it’s still in the works.” I tell them.

“I still think that we should leave Todd a mystery.” Emmett tells me.

“Yeah, but he like wanted to get the free Advertising.” I tell Emmett, parking next to Brian’s car. I swear he needs to get over the idea someone might hurt his baby, I mean he parked like a mile out.

“So are you going to get him?” Ted asks me.

“No, you are so going to my class. Think of it as mandatory, it will save you, like a heart attack later.” I tell him, throwing a speedo at him. 

“No, I refuse.” Ted tells me.

“GET HIM.” Emmett yells as Ted runs.

I skipped along as they tackled a protesting Ted. I realized that if Ted was all serious all the time, I’d be stuck wearing shoes the rest of my life. See, I get why he and Brian get along, they both are way too serious, and it’s like one can keep the other from really having fun. Cynthia and I sat around theorizing this one night over a few margaritas. I mean, they both landed like, fun partners, and seem to think they need to live through us. 

I spotted Brian laying by the pool, with way too many guys practically prancing their asses in his face. Well I can prance, but really, I think the assholes need to see what Brian really likes. I put on my short shorts swimsuit and took off to the largest slide. Gus sees me and waves, but I’m so making an entrance today. I got to the top and had to figure out how to like slide all sexy, which really I should have thought about maybe diving, I mean, I do a mean flip. I was still debating when MM pushed me and fell in behind me. So it kind of went like this,

“I was like trying to be sexy?” I yell.

“My head is like in your ass” He screams. 

“Well move it.” I scream, when I feel like he’s trying reverse birth.

“I can’t.” He screams flaying.

“Yes you can, because you're never getting in my ass.” I yell, trying to push him away.

“Stop, I might go over the side.” He whines.

“We’re inside a tube, trust me you won’t plunge to like, your death.” I tell him, finally turning enough that he like slides past me screaming, which would have been funny, but like Emmett was behind me and I went from head up my ass to foot in my mouth. Then like when the foot disappeared, my face was suddenly in a crotch that I’m sure will get my ass killed.

It didn’t help that we were just about to come off the slide and like everyone had to stare at Emmett because he was laughing like a hyena. I mean, I guess you could consider it sexy that my shorts road all the way up into a massive wedge and my face was still in Emmett’s crotch when we catapulted out.

When I got on my feet I ran for Brian, because I swear Drew was like all growling, and really, Emmett’s car meets wall, has nothing on being bent in half. 

“So is there some reason you thought I wanted to see you blowing Emmett?” Brian smirks.

You know, I really just didn’t have it in me to laugh, so I shoved Mr Perfect Hair in the water. Only like he grabbed my foot and how did my ass end up in MM’s face again. I was going to say something, but I looked up to see Brian bent over laughing, and you know it was just what I wanted, so I swam off MM, and pulled up so that my face was like in his and kissed the shit out of him.

BRIAN 

I stood in Babylon, looking at the screen that somehow Justin managed to get in here while the rest of the world worked. I raised a brow at the rest of the gang, because Justin always gets someone on in on his plans.

“Don't look at me, he said I run my mouth. Just because I don’t see the point in letting Emmett fume when Drew wasn’t really doing anything wrong. So he told me that I could only be the slave to his genius, which to me kind of sounds like I do all the work and he gets the credit.” Mikey tells me.

When I looked at Daphne. “I’m on probation for not believing in Justin.” She tells me.

“I know, but then I have faith in Baby and realize it’s better to be in the know and be able to crow about it later.” Emmett tells me, prancing off.

“I gave up even wanting to know when I realized that Justin’s plans aren’t ‘fly by the seat of his pants’. Also he told me quitters don’t get to know anything.” Ted tells me.

“He designed those speedos just for you and you had to go and wear a towel, which I didn’t get because you really look good in the speedos.” Blake tells him, kissing him. It’s not the image I really wanted.

“As the leader of the Justin Kinney school of how to land Brian Kinney, our group's motto is..., well really we just try to do anything Justin tells us.” Marco tells me, putting Thunder in my arms. “Really, they aren’t all going to eat Prada.” He tells me.

“Well Thunder, I guess we just sit back and enjoy the ride.” Am I really talking to a skunk?

“MM, like get your ass up the ladder. I have to have the banner up before the show like, starts.” Justin yells.

“I don’t like heights.” Mikey whined, as he headed to the stage.

“You can like lick the top of the pole after, I’m sure there’s some ass up there you haven’t like, cleaned.” Justin yells.

I walk over to where Justin is standing on the stage and pick him up off of it. Too many guys are staring at this outfit. Emmett and I need to talk about Justin wearing pants that are barely being held up by his ass.

“Brian, I’m like working on a project. I don’t have time to sex you up.” He tells me.

“You don’t have time for sex, what about the six times you woke me up to have sex last night? It’s okay when I have to pitch to a major firm, but not when you're doing whatever you're doing.” I tell him.

“I’ve decided that I need to branch out, and like you know, run the club. I mean you guys seem to think suds and duds is great, but it’s like the same old same old.” He tells me.

“Really? It’s why you dragged my ass here the other night, so you could run through the suds of duds, when I was more in the line of running through the house naked. I would say it’s a theme that works.” I tell him.

“I’m going to say it, because it has to be said, who thought it was a good idea to have return of the Kings of Babylon night? Those guys did not age well, and I really like, had to question you being proud of the fact that you scored with Grandpa.” He tells me.

“He was hot when I was nineteen.” I argue.

“Um, so you were like tricking with middle age men back then, how is that any better?” He asks me.

“What did you make that banner with?” I ask, as it looks suspiciously like all my old club shirts.

“You know that box you like put in the attic, I just borrowed some of the clothes that you didn’t seem to want.” He tells me, inching away.

“You mean the box marked ‘Summer Wear’.” I ask, following him as he seems to think he can escape me.

“Were you really going to wear like, last season? I mean you keep making me go shopping for the latest and the greatest. So I like thought, why let them feed moths when they could be used? Plus, I have other prizes.” He tells me walking faster.

“Why do we need prizes?” I ask him, steering him where I want him to go.

“Um, like I thought maybe it would be more fun to give out something to the losers too.” He tells me.

“You're going to give away my favorite shirts to the LOSERS.” I asked, appalled at the idea that some troll would have one of my shirts.

“Are you kidding? That would be like all kinds of wrong.” He tells me walking into the backroom.

“Then what are the prizes?” I ask, pushing him against the wall.

“You know the rainbow wear that my mother and Deb ran out to get you, I thought since you wouldn’t wear it, that maybe, possibly, to spare the mom’s feelings they could see that you like, loved the shirts so much that they were prizes.” He tells me, turning me and pushing my back to the wall.

“I… yeah… then… mmm... what is that… do it again… banner made… OOOOF.” I ask, groaning when he takes me down his throat.

“Do you really want me to answer, or blow you?” He asks, swallowing me again.

“I...Jesus… wait a second.” I pull him up and pull down the ass huggers.

“Um... like I was just going to you know, take care of your problemmmm…” He moans as I thrust.

“I believe in...sharing the work… load…” I hold back, waiting for him.

“I believe in… oh fuck, faster… not having… shit, do that again… my husband do… mmm yeah… all the work.” He pants out.

I pull all the way out. “So what is the screen for?” I ask, thrusting all the way back in.

Justin shivers and moans as he empties himself on the floor. Then braces himself as I move faster to finish. I pulled out and covered his ass with me. He smiled and rubbed his ass on me, then pulled up his pants, kissed me and ran like hell. All I could do was be happy, Justin was back. Then I realized the twat did it on purpose, just so I’d have to go change the jizz pants.

JUSTIN

He just needs to chill, I like, have this covered. I mean who doesn’t want to see the Real Lives of Babylon? I kind of got the idea when Emmett was like talking about some show where like gold diggers who married their way to the elite, show why low class isn’t about the amount of money you have. So I had the PJ’s like, run around and record like, people who come to Babylon... when they were outside of Babylon. Hopefully it’s not like them picking their noses and stuff. 

When Brian came back in wearing the shirt I know Marco had, I made sure to stand in front of him. The bitches can stare at me, not my yummy hubby. Marco runs by and I’m seriously thinking he might need a demotion for this. Flat ass comes by, trying to wiggle it, but you know when your pants lay flat it just doesn’t work. I turn and bounce, smiling when three guys dropped their beers.

“Good Evening, before we shake our groove things tonight, we have a special treat for you. Ever wonder what the club boys do when not shaking it for the man of their dreams? Well, we wanted to solve that mystery for you tonight. Get ready for the “Real Lives of the Men of Babylon.” Emmett announces as the screen comes down.

On the screen, we see Deb smacking MM like over and over, then Emmett skipping beside Drew while waving at anybody, and I was starting to worry this wasn’t what I thought it would be. When next I see that Todd is on the screen while having molds made of his ass, I was starting to feel more confident. 

“Really, your boy toy wanted us to see this?” Brandon asks looking bored. He gives the sleepy eye look, which I think he like thinks is all sexy, but it just looks like he needs a nap.

I smirk when someone taps his shoulder, and we watch him give a lap dance to a grandma and then her middle aged daughter. “So, like are you into cougars? Cause my mom’s looking for someone for Deb’s bachelorette party.” I tell him.

“I can’t help that women want this body just as much as the all the men here.” He tells me leering.

When the granny pulls off his pants and underwear, the woman were so disappointed, and the laughter in the club was just a guarantee that no one was going to like fall for ‘vienna sausage’ again. Brandon just walked quickly out the door. Then of course they just had to add my ass and Emmett's crotch to the screen. I just waved like the Queen and pushed Brian in front of my flaming face. 

Then like, everyone was clapping and I looked around Brian to see that maybe I should have used a new tape, but hey, maybe MM can take lessons on topping from you know, my example. I have to admit when the banner of banned shirts like fell over the screen, it saved my mother from seeing what a mom never wants to like, see. I’m so going to like buy jars for the heads of the Squad, because they seem to think bringing my mom here is something Babylon needs. 

“SEE, I KNEW SUNSHINE’S ASS IS A TEN.” Deb yells so helpfully.

“Justin, you... I’m going to like... kill you.” Brian tells me, as the black silk shirt fall to the ground, and my mom like realizes my innocence is all fake. 

I looked from Brian to Mom and you know, running was just the only option. I gave a thumbs up as I hauled ass, so Emmett could like hand out the shirts I hated. I mean if Guido wears them Brian won't, right?

JUSTIN

So I was walking around and saw MM’s store. I almost went in but the Lesbian mafia was hugging MM, and I wasn't going to be attacked for sperm again. I hid around the corner until the giggling women passed my ass by. I mean they've run through the whole group trying to hijack sperm. Last week it was actually me, and I like pointed at my four babies and Gus and told them that was as far as my daddy duties will ever go. I mean like, they’re all potty trained, why would I want to go through that when I don’t have to? It took me the whole week to get them to point the womb in another direction. Hopefully Marco won’t kill my ass.

When they left I ran in and pulled MM into the backroom (His closet of an office, not the BACKROOM).

“So what’s with all the hugging?” I asked, pulling out my stash of goodies. Somehow my Ho-Ho’s keep disappearing from my hiding spot in the den, I suspect, but until I catch Brian, I can’t really say anything.

“You won’t believe it, they want me to be the father. I mean it’s really an honor that they want me.” He tells me.

“Um, you do realize like your the last person they’ve asked right?” I tell him, moaning at the goodness that is Hostess.

“Well of course they asked Brian, and I think they were just fucking with Drew.” He tells me, excited.

“Are you really like thinking about doing this?” I ask. 

“Don’t get jealous because they want me and not you.” MM smirks.

“They’ve asked anybody who has a swimmer, I mean they even started to look at Carl.” I tell him.

“Just because they didn’t want blond boy ass doesn’t mean you should rain on my parade.” He tells me.

“Oh they wanted it, but then they wanted it in a way I was never going to do again.” I tell him, putting down the Ho-Ho, because I didn’t want to revisit it coming up from how I was asked.

“Really and what makes you think that I was the last person on their list?” He asks me.

“Let’s see, was it ‘Michael we decided that you would  give us all the great qualities that we want our next child to have’. ‘Think about how it would feel to know that a life was created because of you’.” I ask.

“No.”

“Well, that was Drew’s speech. How about, ‘Michael having a child will make sure that your line continues? We could even raise it to respect our religion’.” I ask him.

“Mel and Lindsay aren’t Catholic.” He tells me.

“Neither are you, gay boy. Actually I think it was because Mel and Ted are Jewish.” I tell him.

“What does that have to do with anything?” He asks me all confused.

“I’m just telling you what they like tried to trick Ted with.” I tell him, finally able to eat again.

“They asked Ted?” He seemed to be upset that Ted made the top of the list, well, behind Brian and Drew. “Mel probably didn’t want Ted to get his feelings hurt, since they’re friends.” He reasons.

“Maybe, but with Emmett they told him that if it was a girl he could name it after Lulu. I think they seemed to forget Emmett was still all pissy about the ‘Sperm Stalking’ they did to Drew.” I tell him.

“They knew that Emmett wouldn’t do it and were probably just making sure he didn’t think they didn’t want him.” MM is so going to hate the next one. So I pick up his phone and call Ted and ask for Blake’s number, next time I carry my phone, because Ted seems to think I should be at my desk.

“Hey, so MM doesn’t want to believe he isn’t number one on the ‘Sperm List’. What was yours again?” I ask putting him on speaker.

“That my compassion for my patients would translate into being a wonderful father for a child.” Blake tells me, hanging up.

“I tried to like, get them to attack Marco, since he returned the tricking shirt, but I think he’s been hiding, so maybe they skipped him.” I tell him.

“Wait, they said that they really wanted me but didn’t want to ask for fear that I would say no.” MM tells me, not looking too happy.

“I got, that I could have like, a grandchild for my mom. Like that isn’t what Molly’s straight ass is for. I guess they snooped and  found out that I like scored a kick ass score on my SAT’s, so then it was that I could gift the baby with intelligence. I mean, I like kids, they play and everything. Babies seem to just eat, poop, and sleep in spurts. That’s my job.” I tell him.

“They… actually...ASKED...YOU?!” He seems so surprised that they wanted a kid that would be super intelligent. 

I mean, maybe it was like they didn’t want the kid like being smarter than them. MM and Mel would likely produce normal intelligence. You know, like Mel’s IQ in the egg would like drop as MM’s swimmers raided the gates.

“Well really I think they like, asked us all. There was even a sort of list, that named like the reason they would want to ask. They think my shell ears were cute, and like Brian wasn’t really an option unless it was like Lindsay, since they proved that they could produce greatness, with Gus. Although I think they lost Ted with the boring thing, and like Emmett being all flamboyant was a minus. I really think they would have went Zenny but well you know… HIV” I really hate that he has to have things spelled out sometimes, it’s hard to stay focused. “I think you were like somewhere saying you like smiled at the future convict, John.” I tell him.

“JUSTIN, get your ass out here.” Brian yells, and really I left my phone on my desk so he wouldn’t figure out I left.

MM runs out and like leaps into Brian’s arms all acting injured. Brian gave me the “What the Hell have you done now” look. 

“I’m like totally innocent.” I tell him, pulling MM off him when he was hanging on like a spider monkey, hum…

“Whatever animal your mind came up with, the answer is NO.” He tells me, and where is the mystery in this relationship? “It ended when I realized who I married.” He tells me.

“I was just kind of thinking MM reminded me of like, a monkey.” I tell him.

“WHAT!” MM screams, but you know he should learn that if you're going to go for sympathy, you don’t act like an ass two seconds later.

“You were like clinging to him, but well you don't have a tail, so maybe I… never mind.” I tell them.

“Justin, you know that job I pay you so well for, can you maybe like do IT?” He growled.

“I finished that like a hour after you ordered me to. I swear you need to learn to have faith in my ass.” I tell him, and yeah, growling just really does it for me. 

BRIAN 

After last weeks adventure in Justin land, I figured why not have fun. So when Justin thought he’d snuck out, which isn’t possible now that my employees make bets on what he’s up to, I followed. When he didn’t go to either coffee shop, I’ll admit I really thought he was going to fuck with Joanie, but he got to Michael’s store and then hid. So I waited to see why. Which became obvious when Mel and Lindsay came out. Justin hasn’t learned the art of telling people to fuck off yet. When they left I snuck in, and the twat is hiding his fat inducers here? 

“What about me?” MM asks.

“You could draw a straight line, so what about you?” I ask.  

“I've been tricked.” He tells us. 

“Man, tell me they didn’t like try to get you to take one for the baby.” Justin is still not over that one.

“What?” Mikey asks him.

“Mel and Lindsay tried to say they could even like do it all natural if I wanted, because somehow they seem to think that it would make it feel all real.” Justin shivers.

“OH. MY. GOD., they said that I should just jerk off, but they want you to sex them up?” Mikey stares at Justin.

“Well um yeah, I’m like, hot.” Justin tells him, pulling me out the door.

JUSTIN

You would think the world like ended when MM figured out that they even asked Todd. I mean he’s the only one they probably thought would say yes, but wanted to at least attempt to get better sperm. So the week was filled with MM running to and fro stopping every guy on Liberty Avenue to see if they had made the list. I might have accidentally made like copies of the list and posted them everywhere, it’s just fun to watch MM rip them down. I mean it’s not like they meant mensch in a bad way, well really, is there anyway to take that that isn’t bad?

So the entire week was MM complaining to anyone that he should have been first. The EMT’s who were dealing with a car accident outside the diner, looked at him as if maybe a straight jacket should be in his future. The hustlers tried to mug him. And the cop giving him the ticket arrested him when he wouldn’t shut up. Carl had them put MM in the interrogation room when the biker gang tried to muffle him. 

In the end, he agreed. So now we are all taking bets on if he can like get the donation, because apparently sitting his ass in the clinic, caused all sorts of performance anxiety. Then like Ben did like a sexy striptease on the stage of Babylon but like it just caused MM to drag him out and lecture him. It really should have changed Mel’s mind when we all found out that Captain Astro saved the day. Really, when did comic’s become porn?

JUSTIN STAYS AT WORK 

I look over at the clock and just ten more minutes and my ass is out of here. I will never get the whole sitting at a desk when I finished like, everything, two hours after getting here. Brian gave me this whole speech about making sure the employees work instead of placing bets. What that has to do with anything is beyond me. I tap my Chewbacca slipper and try to decide if ten minutes really matters, I mean, I survived nine hours and fifty minutes, mostly by drawing variations of what a kid would look like coming from MM and Mel. I have to admit that if I chose which features the baby had, then baby would be like a short runway model, because two short people don’t make for a tall baby.

Five more minutes…

Four…

Three…

“Justin are you ready?” Brian interrupts, and I ignore.

Two…

“When I said staying at work, I meant more than your standard two hours before someone is awake enough to run off with you.” He tells me. 

One…

“I'm trying here.” I tell him, watching the second hand on my Powerpuff girls clock.

And done.

I get up run out to his car, because it’s not my desk. Brian follows behind me and then pulls me from the driver’s side and sticks me in the passenger side of the car. He really has to be the one controlling like, everything. I mean I stayed, that should count for something.

“Now that it’s ten at night, do you want to go to Babylon or home?” He asks me.

“I stayed ten hours, you should be happy.” I tell him.

“I was hoping that it meant eight to six, not noon till ten.” He tells me.

“Hey, you said ten hours, never which ten.” It tell him.

JUSTIN BABYSITS GUS

When my phone rang I thumbs up the guys and then answered.

“Justin, why are you watching Gus?” Brian asks me.

“Cause like, Mel and Lindsay wanted to go to some lesbian spa weekend.” I tell him.

“I called the house and you aren’t there, why not?” He asks me.

“Well with you out of town, I thought Gus and I could stay at the loft, but then like there isn’t anything to entertain a kid with there.” I tell him, smiling as I snap pictures with my camera.

“Justin, do you know that the camera I bought you uploads straight into your Facebook account?” He asks me.

“No, why?” I ask, suddenly worried.

“Well, because your girl squad made it so we all get notifications when something posts to your account. You know, like the pictures of my son parasailing, on… the Disney Cruise!!! I’m going to beat your ass…” I hung up, and figured we had like a week until Brian calms down.

JUSTIN SAVES THE DAY

“Brian is going to kill you.” MM tells me.

“I just couldn’t let them do it.” I protest.

“I'm still trying to figure out how you convinced me to help you.” MM needs to realize he has no life.

“They were going to dye them, it's just wrong.” I tell him. 

“It's Easter, that's kinda the point.” He tells me. 

“Hello? These are chicks, not eggs.” I tell him, running away from Gus’s teacher.

BRIAN GETS A PET

“Um, like why did you get that giant aquarium?” Justin asks. 

“I felt the need to get a pet of my own.” I tell him. 

“You know, fish are great.” He tells me.  

“Are they?” I tell him adding the branches.

I finished smiling at Justin who keeps looking at the box on the floor.

“So, did you like, get a monkey?” He asks inspecting the box.

“No that would have made you happy.” I tell him.

“Are you still mad about the chickens? I've kept them outside.” He asks, scratching his head.

“I found a reason to have them.” I tell him, pulling Monty out of the bag. You know, Justin should try out for the Olympics. 

JUSTIN MEETS WITH SATAN

“Why are you asking for my keys?” Satan asks.

“I got you a present, it's for those nights when you miss Jackass.” I tell her as I snatched them and get back in the moving van.

“I don’t get why you always make me do all the hard stuff.” MM whines.

“I got you help.” I tell him, smiling at the biker gang.

“Hey, where's Monty?” MM asks.

The screaming kinda gave it away. I watch as the Boa slithers down the street. I push MM and the tank back in.

“So like we can get fish.” I tell MM, running into the van.

ALLY ISN’T FAT

“Justin, maybe put Ally on a diet.” Emmett tells me as Ally lays on the floor in front of us.

“I just don’t get it, she was like running all over the place then, now she barely moves.” I tell him.

“Maybe after last month's escape from the mansion, she’s still tired.” MM tells us.

I look over at Ally who like starts panting and then we stare at the blob that came out. 

“Gross, don’t eat that.” MM tells her.

“Um Justin, isn’t that the rug Brian like, paid a mint for?” Emmett asks us as the stuff in the blob starts leaking on it.

“Hey, it’s a kitten.” MM tells us.

“SOMEONE VIOLATED MY BABY!”  I wail.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ON MY RUG?” Brian wails.

JUSTIN TAKES APPLICATIONS

“Why are they having to write essays?” Blake asks.

“I will not let Blossom, Bubbles, or Buttercup go to people who can’t read or write.” I tell him.

“You know that Brian said they have to go tomorrow.” Emmett tells me.

“He like said that for the last three months, I’m not taking him seriously.” I tell them, taking family portraits for the mantel.

“Satan might be getting kittens.” Brian texts.

“Emmett pick three essays at random, my kittens are not going to hell.” I tell him as I gather them and run to the car.

JUSTIN DECIDES HE ISN’T BIRTHING BABIES

“Mel why are we going out to this farm?” I ask as I drive her.

“I like the butter, it’s all natural.” She tells me.

“You know like all of it will kill you, so why not go for the one closer to Pittsburgh.” I tell her thinking we are definitely lost.

“I WANT THE ONE FROM THE FARM.” She screams like a demon.

“You don’t have to yell it, I can like, hear.” I tell her.

“FUCK, we need to get back to Pittsburghhhhhh…” 

“Well, we would if I had a clue where we like, actually are.” I tell her, annoyed at all the yelling.

“Oh God.” She pants at me.

“Brian likes it when I say that, but you know, not sounding like I’m in pain.” I tell her.

“My water broke.” She screeches at me.

“I like, bought a wet vac, so no problemo.” I tell her.

“Justin, I’M HAVING A BABY!” She really could like, say it normal, my ear is ringing.

“Well yeah, I remember.” I tell her, seeing the same squirrel in the tree I think we like passed three times now.

“I mean I’m having one NOW.”  She tells me.

“NO YOU”RE NOT, because I didn’t sign up for this.” I tell her, pulling over to call Brian.

“Hey, I have to get back to you, Mikey’s having a fit because Mel disappeared.” He tells me.

“Brian, you know how you like told me that you were going to trust me and not like GPS me anymore?” I ask, eyeing Mel holding her stomach.

“I want fucking drugs.” She yells.

“Yes? And is that Mel?” He asks me.

“GPS. NOW PLEASE, because I am not birthing MM’s creation.” I tell him, hanging up.

“Justin, find me something to knock me the fuck out.” She screeches.

I look up to see a guy like driving a tractor down the road. I’ve always wanted to do that, I wonder if he’d like, let me. I wave him down.

“Can I help you?” He asks, looking when Mel screamed, Oh yeah, guess I need to deal with that first.

“We like, need a hospital, but I really want to drive this sucker.” I tell him.

“Justin I think the head is coming out.” Mel screams.

“Well son, there isn’t a hospital for forty miles, so we might have to help your little lady out.” He tells me.

“You're a doctor and a farmer, that’s like, kick ass.” I tell him.

“Just a farmer, but I figure pulling one out is like pulling a calf.” He tells me.

“Yeah, but don’t say that to her.” I tell him quietly.

“Justin get your ass over here and help me.” She yells.

“NO, not going to happen, I didn’t knock her ass up, but you know, don’t let that stop you from helping her. Can I sit on it?” I ask the farmer and then point to the tractor when he gives me a look.

So Brian and MM pulled up while I was mowing the field besides me. I jump off and run to them.

“Get up on the roof, I decided to memorialize this day.” I tell them climbing on top of my car.

“IT’S A GIRL” was written.

“Justin, shouldn’t you have turned the tractor off?” Brian asks.

“Oh, you think it will run out of gas?” I ask, as it keeps heading to the woods.

JUSTIN

So I guess you could say I've been acting a bit strange. It's just for like a second I was all thinking about having kids. I mean we have like Gus and the cats, but like, no kids of our own. When the girls were like offering, there was just no way I could see that working. I would like, want to live with my kid, but I kinda sensed Brian really didn’t want any more. So I tried to like, deal with it by ignoring it, which just led to me paying for a cruise, a tractor, and part of a wheat field. Which is when Brian sat me down and like ASKED, you know, “What the hell?” So I explained the whole thing. It only took half an hour.  

Somehow I ended up at the girl’s house watching JR. Which really backfired, since she like seemed to like me. Which set MM off, since JR only seemed to want me. Every time I tried to hand over the baby with the unfortunate name, she screamed. Which Gus seemed to think was funny, me, not so much. Especially when every time JR was having a bad day, I somehow got stuck holding her. Mel seemed to think dumping a screaming baby in my arms was the answer.

I am no longer thinking that having kids is a great idea. I mean, my cats don't expect this much dedication. Just food, pet, and catnip, they even bury presents, not unload in a diaper, where you really have to see it. Brian finally barred them from bringing her over, just to avoid dealing with the crying. I have to say I might have hooted and danced all over the house when he took Gus, but left them outside.

Now I just have to deal with my dad showing up. He decided that if I had to be all gay, at least I picked someone with a real job. Somehow he saw that as a compliment, well until he like actually met Brian. He learned real fast that pansy and gay weren’t a given. I think my mom like brought Emmett in drag on purpose, since I've never seen Emmett in a dress.

I was like, on my best behavior, which just meant I was thinking. My father seemed to take it that I was being a good little wife/husband.

“At least Justin isn’t wearing the ridiculous clothing and house slippers anymore.” He tells Brian.

“Baby, it’s so sweet of you not to wear penises but to bring a giant one.” Emmett tells me, smiling at my dad.

“So I hear great things about your company, and how do you know Drew Boyd?” Dad asks Brian, ignoring Emmett. Which really, does dad not hear the growling?

“Drew you want to explain that to Craigy here?” Brian asks, and you know, most people don’t realize that when Brian isn’t all pissy, that’s when you hide.

“Why not, I met Brian when he wanted to use me in a campaign for Brown athletics. Of course I ended up meeting my fiance, so we all became friends.” Drew tells him.

“I remember hearing something about a broken engagement, but I really don’t keep up with that.” My Dad will most likely wish he did.

“I ended up meeting the person that I knew would be the one for me.” Drew tells him.

“Why didn’t you bring her with you?” Dad asks, and mom bursting out laughing should have been his first clue, but then, my Dad is still trying to figure out how Brian could be gay.

“Oh did we forget to mention that I’m the one Drew is with?” Emmett tells him, tittering.

“You're a fa… I mean together?” My dad asks, starting to get uncomfortable.

“I think everyone at the table, but like, Mom, is together.” I tell him.

“I’m just surprised that… I mean… so Jen how’s Molly?” Dad asks trying to get out of his foot in mouth.

“Me too, but Drewsie just like decided that my ass was the ass he wanted for life.” Emmett tells him.

Poor Dad just kept looking at my mom, who stopped rescuing my dad from his own stupidity. Emmett started digging through his rainbow bag and started piling things on the table.

“Honey, do you like this color or should I go for like, a darker red.” Emmett puckers his lips at Drew.

“Well, I kind of need to get going.” My dad tells us, as he eyes the lube on the table.

“I was hoping you’d come see Brian’s club, you know he’s really included Justin in all his business concerns. You always wanted Justin to be in business, so I thought we could go by and see it.” My mother tells him. I swear she and Brian like, winked at each other.

So we all get up to head over there and wouldn’t you know Satan is standing out front. I walk over and grab her in a hug. I think I surprised her, because it took like a minute for her to realize she was hugging the sinner. Then she pulled back and gave me the sour, ‘what do you want now’ look.

“Why are they protesting?” Dad asks, and I had to wonder if he hasn’t seen like, all the gay around him.

“The cult and Satan, are like, protesting for God.” I tell him.

“They’re Satan worshipers?” Dad asks, appalled.

“I worship the Lord, and my group thinks that what happens in this club is a sin. I’m trying to save all the souls.” Satan tells my dad.

“What kind of club is this?” Dad asks, when he see the PJ’s prancing around giving the cult some Kool Aid.

“It’s only like the Gay Mecca of Pittsburgh.” Marco tells my dad, kissing his cheek.

“Yeah, Dad, why not see one of the businesses that Justin runs.” Brian tells him.

“Brian, you need to repent.” Satan yells.

“I tried Mom, but with my luck I’d have ended up marrying someone like you.” Brian tells her.

“She’s his mother?” My dad asks.

“Yeah, and like when I met her she was like knocking back sherry the way you knock back vodka. Now she’s like popular and stuff. Hey, you could  join the cult too, then we would like see each other all the time.” I tell him.

It only took Joan quoting the bible while following my father to get him to return home, for the next few years. Now like all I have to do is call Satan when Dad decides to visit and he changes his mind.

On our third anniversary Brian gave me a present, and really, he waited this long?

But hey, I got BJ and that’s all that counted, and like she really likes the club shirt, so, win.