JUSTIN

“So, like the whole marriage thing is rocking along, but, like everyone around us has been raving about ‘couples counseling’ and this ‘boot camp’ thing. Apparently, paying other people to listen to couples bitch about each other is their idea of fun, and hiking your problems away makes you closer. Marco and the PJ’s even went to group therapy for their pets, who fight with each other at every meeting. Why they expected cats and dogs to get along is anyone's guess.” I tell Leo.

“Justin, I'm sure Leo wanted to see the boards he came to see.” Brian tells me, and yeah I'm sure he does, but he looked ready to fall asleep, and that didn't seem like a way to win a campaign.

“I never got the whole ‘paying someone else to solve your problems’ thing. All it leads to is paying more when the problems are still there, only now they think everyone wants to hear about it.” Leo tells me.

“They think it brings you closer, telling someone else, instead of telling the person you chained yourself to for life.” Brian tells him.

“See, you get it. Michael started acting like Brian and I like need therapy because we don’t really fight about anything. Well, maybe the whole kid thing, but that was only because for some reason I started to wonder if I wanted to try the whole ‘raise a kid’ thing. Having Gus works for us, and sometimes I think having another one could be fun, but then Brian would have to deal with two babies instead of just me.” I tell Leo.

“Do you want to have kids with Justin?” Leo asks Brian.

“It would be better than another cat or skunk.” Brian grumbles.

“Please, BJ is so totally Brian’s. Which was sort of a miracle since Brian never wanted her.” I tell him.

“Justin, Leo has a plane to catch, so can you show him the boards?” Brian asks me.

“My wife got a cat, yet somehow, it thinks if I'm there my lap belongs to him.” Leo tells me, showing Brian that Leo was happy to talk to me.

“My cats only like Brian because he like, keeps them in catnip.” I tell him.

“Well, I need to catch my plane, but let me know how the couples camp goes for the others.” Leo tells me.

“What about the campaign?” Ted asks.

“What about it? Brian knows what he's doing, so it's a given I was signing. Justin and I were just catching up, since I was here. Normally we talk on the phone, and he already sent me the proofs, so I just came to find out the new gossip and help him get his trip to Florida.” Leo tells them, walking out.

“I'll email you all the exciting stuff.” I yell as he leaves. “What?” I ask. when Brian hit his head on the table saying ‘why me?’

Okay, so like here's the stuff that Leo and I sit around on the phone at night trying to puzzle out. One - why, because Mel, Lindsay, Michael, and Ben all decided marriage counseling was for them, did they think Brian and I needed it? Two - have they forgotten that Brian tends to just tell you straight to your face when he like has a problem with you. And Three - why does Brian like want a baby now, when I got over the whole thing when we had to listen to JR screaming all the time?

I sort of wanted to do the couples camp weekend they had planned, but only because they were going to a retreat in Florida. Hello, why would you go there unless it was to tan, and well, some people like fishing, but I got over that when I found out they massacre the pretty fish. Brian told me if we wanted to vacation, going with the moron quads wasn't it. I even got Emmett to join in the crusade, because we’d like to be there so there's truth in our gossip.

So I told Brian if Leo signed for five years then I like, deserve a vacation. Since Leo and I became like phone friends, I knew Brian would lose. Which he grumbles that I vacation when I'm working. He even still gets pissy when I leave to go check if Joe still has his job at Starbucks. I mean, I had like charts and everything to explain to the district manager, if it wasn’t for Joe, I'd still be using Satan and the Lighters to entertain the masses. Instead, I bring people to Starbucks to watch Joe flip out when I make coffee for everyone. The district manager saw the sales increase and decided to keep Joe. Only, Brian started thinking a kid would keep me out of trouble.

Which at first I thought was a joke, but then he like comes home with pamphlets about adoption and surrogacy. I keep telling him it would upset our other children, they expected the attention to only be on them. I sort of worried when we went to a clinic, but it seemed like Brian was just wanting to play doctor, you know, complete with a clinic.

“Justin, pay attention.” Brian snapped his fingers in my face.

“What?” I ask, when he and Ted stare at me.

“I said you get to go to Florida.” He tells me.

“I need to call Emmett.” I tell him, trying to leave.

“Hold on. While you were off in Justin land, I told you the condition.” He tells me.

“Duh, me naked.” I tell him.

“Which is a given, but no, we're going to couple camp.” He tells me.

“Well of course, Emmett and I both wanted to go.” I tell him. “I mean we like wanted to laugh at all the couple building events.”

“Both of you can laugh while you do them. It will be fun.” Ted tells me. Yeah, like teeth being pulled.

“Why would Emmett and I need to do them?” I ask.

“Because Drew and I both want something you and Emmett aren’t willing to agree to.” Brian tells me.

“Seriously. You really think you could handle the spawn I'd produce. Think hard about the saying ‘your kid is payback for everything you do’. I mean, I get you can't see it because Gus is like all perfect, but I doubt we could say that with my spawn.” I tell him.

“If you felt that way then why did you donate when we went to the clinic?” He asks.

“Um, I thought you just wanted to sex me up someplace new.” I tell him, scratching my head to remember if… “Wait, you mean that cup wasn’t just something kinky!” I yell.

“No, it was what I told you when you told me you needed me to help you because straight porn gave you nightmares. That we were going to have a baby. I decided to get all your dramatics over before our daughter arrives.” He tells me, as Ted snickers at my husband tricking my ass again.

LATER THAT DAY AT THE WAR ROOM (Otherwise known as Starbucks)

“A baby isn't the end of the world.” Blake tells me.

“So if Ted came home, hijacked your sperm, then nine months later shows up with a baby and says ‘surprise’!, you're cool with that?” I ask.

“Okay, so it was a bit underhanded.” Blake concedes.

“What does Drew want?” I ask Emmett.

“To get married. I’ve sort of been putting it off.” He tells us.

“Why? I thought that was like the whole purpose when you squealed yes.” I tell him.

“His mother hates me, since he was perfectly straight before meeting me.” Emmett tells us, rolling his eyes.

“Why didn’t you tell Drew?” Blake asks.

“Because when he's around she's little Ms PFLAG.” Emmett tells us.

“We should introduce her to Satan.” I tell him.

“Until then we're stuck at this boot camp. I sort of saw us making fun of everybody, not being the joke.” Emmett tells me.

“I'm trying to figure out how Ted got out of going. Brian always makes Ted suffer with him.” I pointed out.

“Ted and I talk and agree before we do things.” Blake tells us.

“So, you like the new penis car Ted bought?” Emmett asks.

“It’s not a penis car, well it sort of is, but hey, even I’m a little jealous that he got a Jag. Brian refuses to buy me anything without outstanding safety ratings. Which is Emmett’s fault, because of the whole wall versus car thing.” I tell them.

“I’ll talk to you both later.” Blake says, as he walks out looking pissed.

“You two did that on purpose.” Joe tells me.

“Of course. If we’re stuck building a hut, than Ted gets to be there being miserable with us.” Emmett tells him.

“It would be more fun if it was a competition to see who does everything better. You know, like Survivor.” I tell Emmett.

“Baby, I only wanted to get away from Drew’s mother. Now I’m thinking we should build a boat, because we're going to be stuck on the island with Gilligan, the Skipper, Ginger and Maryann.” He tells me.

BRIAN

One of the things I learned by being married to Justin was how to read between the lines of his babble. When he wants something, you just have to do it, and let him queen out at his own pace. It started with just getting him to admit that we were together. He spent the beginning avoiding anything that pointed out the fact that we were in a relationship. Even when we ended up co-parenting Sunny and spending all our time together. I’ll admit I got back at him during the engagement era when I wouldn’t ask him to marry me after he found the ring. I knew he would have said no just to be a pain in the ass. Don’t even get me started on the wedding day when he locked himself in, saying he didn’t want anyone unhappy on our happiest day. That was really him pissed when I stopped the strippers from coming to his bachelor party, Justin tends to try to reform people even when they are happy with what they do.

As for the hijacking of his sperm; he wants a baby. How do I know this? Because he leaves hints everywhere. I got the hint when I was being sent baby and parenting magazines. He claimed he must of picked up the wrong ones. It would have been believable if weren’t ten different magazines delivered to our door for the next year. Then there was him having Deb knit little sweaters, claiming they were for our cats when winter came. Since he keeps the house on ‘roast’ during the winter, all he would do by putting the sweaters that were three times the size of our cats on them was likely give them heat stroke. Then there was the bedroom three doors down from ours, I never paid attention to it until I showed up early one night and saw Justin sneaking out of it. Want to know what I found? He painted fairy tale scenes on all of the walls. So I took the hint and did what he wanted, and know it means days where I miss my life before the whirlwind that is Justin, bent over on the sidewalk in kitten slippers.

The boot camp is my way of keeping him busy until our daughter is born, because the minute Justin thinks something is going to happen, I end up dealing with my mother, his squad, and anyone else he can drag into his schemes. Some of which I enjoy, and other things, such as my mother, not so much. So boot camp is where he is headed to avoid the many things he would get into. It was Drew’s idea we go, since our partners tend to join forces.

Drew complained that Emmett wouldn’t set a date and was scheming with Justin. Ted suggested letting them think they got their way, but making sure we got what we wanted too. Ted was starting to learn to think like Justin does, and yeah that scares the hell out of me. It only takes seconds for anyone to fall prey to Justin’s logic.

When the front door downstairs slammed shut I was prepared for anything. With Justin, it pays to be prepared. Like I told Ted at one time, Justin plans aren’t just ‘fly by the seat of his pants’, the twat makes alternate plans to insure the real plan happens, He came in smiling, which means he’s up to something.

“How was your day?” He asks, taking off his shirt and tossing it to the floor.

“Productive. Yours?” I ask, picking up the shirt that he seems to forget isn’t Big Q.

“Amazingly productive, we might need to talk about your plan to trap me with the ‘moron quad’. It seems your CFO might be joining you.” He smirks, throwing off his pants.

“Really, and how did that happen?” I ask, letting my pants join his.

“Oh, it could have something to do with like, COMMUNICATION. You know, where you tell someone things before you do them.” He tells me, tossing his briefs at me.

“It’s fine if Ted joins us, since I already made alternate plans just in case you managed to TRICK Blake into punishing Ted.” I tell him, following him into the shower.

“All the mystery is gone.” He sighs, as I get into the shower.

“Really? Most people still think it’s a mystery we’re still married.” I tell him, adjusting the water when he blasts me with cold.

I shut him up when I could see he was about to hit me with a round of ‘like’, he does that when he’s excited, and really, he has better things to do with his mouth. He nipped me before taking me in. I yanked a little, possibly pulling a couple strands out. He slapped his hands on my ass, probably because I thrusted when he was taking his time. He let me slip from his mouth, got up and starting washing his hair.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to TRICK you.” He tells me.

He really thinks I don’t know how to get what I want from him? I pushed him against the wall and rimmed him until he screamed for me to stop playing, and groaned when I thrust into him. I made sure he couldn’t touch himself by keeping his hands on the wall while I rode him. I smiled when he came without needing to touch himself. Then thrust faster when I was ready.

“I’m onto you.” I whispered as I leaned on him, catching my breath.

JUSTIN

I picked up Emmett and Blake on the way to Michael’s store. We needed to figure out a way to regain control. Ted out maneuvered us by telling Blake the car was Blake's birthday present. Which means that Brian had already figured out what we were up to.

“I’m onto you, does he really think I’m like, predictable now?” I ask Michael.

“He says like, being married to you means always thinking like, ten steps ahead.” He tells me.

“I let him believe he tricked me.” I tell Michael, trying to avoid the ‘like’ in my sentences, since Michael makes it seem a bit annoying when he does it.

“It’s why I think you two need counseling, marriage takes work.” He lectures me.

“So you finally figured out letting Ben do all the work wasn’t working for him?” Blake asks, still pissed about the car.

“Well I don’t need counseling, I just need Drew’s mother to move out.” Emmett tells us.

“I think it’s good to have a mother around.” Michael tells us.

“I’m sure for you it is, your mother still washes your underwear.” Emmett  tells him, rolling his eyes.

“She just likes being helpful, but we were talking about you guys, not me.” Michael tells us.

“Baby, you really aren’t that upset over the baby, so why did we end up in Michael’s drama?” Emmett asks.

“It’s not like I didn’t want a baby, but I sort of thought Brian would be the father. Does he really think he can handle another me?” I ask.

“Did you read some of the stuff this ‘Guru of Love and Commitment’ plans for us?” Blake asks, ignoring me.

“He said it makes couples see their problems are small when you get rid of outside interference.” Michael tells us.

“Yeah, we read the pamphlet too. What we don’t get is why any of you think the man has a clue when he’s been divorced six times.” I tell him.

“He said that he was teaching us how to avoid his mistakes.” Michael tells us.

“If he’s like, ‘the expert’ then explain why marriage number six didn’t work, since he and the ex were the ones that came up with the whole ‘communing with nature brings us closer’.” I tell Michael.

“Are we really going along with this?” Blake asks.

“Of course, but only because the guys think we are.” I tell him.

JUSTIN

I thought Brian was gonna like have an aneurysm when the Guru’s minions took away all the phones the minute we arrived at the lounge in the airport. Brian and his phone are really more married than we are sometimes. He walked away from the hand trying to get his phone, made a call and then wandered off for almost an hour, saying that he needed to make sure his business partner didn’t call out the coast guard when he didn’t answer. He reluctantly gave up his phone, which I didn’t comment wasn’t the phone he walked off with, because we might need it if Vern keeps looking at Brian like that. Emmett isn’t the only one who gets homicidal about people coveting his man.

 I reminded him we could have been on the beach laughing at the idiots who seem to think Vern, which is his real name, not the Rupert he goes by in the pamphlet, is the expert on love’s eternal flame. When we arrived at the resort, Vern led us away from the people getting to have fun at the bar, to discuss why marriages run into trouble. 

“In every marriage, what was once thought to be cute or quirky becomes harder to see as cute or quirky, but will eventually have you questioning why you found it endearing. There is also unfortunately, in most unions, an inequality in looks, careers, and education. Which is why you find your relationship experiencing problems… yes, Justin?” He asks when I raised my hand. I really just wanted him to stop describing the things that sounded like they were directed at me, while he seemed to stare at Brian the whole time he was talking.

“Was that why you haven’t like managed to stay married?” I ask. Really, if he’s going to preach, he needs to realize we’re on to him.

“Now we need to talk about the rules for this weekend. Hopefully everyone read the information they were given and will participate. Yes Emmett?” He asks.  

“Are there going to be cocktails soon?” Emmett asks, looking at the beach bar we were steered away from.

“In order to make strides in your relationship, this weekend is alcohol free.” He announces, as we look at him in horror.

“Remember, you got us into this.” I whisper to Brian.

“You really think I give a shit what he says?” Brian whispers in my ear, biting it.

“Why are we here if you didn’t like, want to be here?” I ask, crawling into his lap.

“Also, because we want to build a healthy relationship, everyone needs to pay attention. Justin sit in your seat please. One of the activities you will refrain from until we solve the problems in your relationship is sexual congress.” Vern tells me, or really everyone. But he seems to be directing it at me. 

Brian was mid feel up when he like stopped and gave the glare of doom. “Could you repeat that?” Brian asks, in the way he asks someone when he expects a different answer. Which normally works, but I guess Vern didn’t understand that.

“Brian, one of the things that helps to mask problems in a relationship is the bedroom. It only gives a couple a way to believe the real issues aren’t important. We take sex out of the equation. Which allows couples to focus on the issues.” He tells him, almost smirking at me. Like Brian will ever willingly give up my ass because Mr Love Guru say so.

“One weekend isn’t going to kill you.” Mel tells him. 

“It explains why you and Lindsay have issues.” He tells her. 

“I agree with Mel. And truthfully, sex doesn’t solve anything.” Ben tells us. 

“I’m glad some people are serious about getting help.” Vern praises Ben, eyeing the body, too bad boring comes with it. Michael wasn’t happy when Vern looked at Michael like he didn’t get how he landed Ben.

“So eye fucking is okay?” Blake says, causing Vern to stop leering at the wall of muscle around us.

“As I said, this weekend will require each of you to concentrate on solving your issues. We've divided each couple up, your room assignments pair you with someone other than your spouse. Take advantage of the time, find out about the problems the other person experiences and share yours. It could help you to hear problems that aren’t exclusive to you.” He tells us, as his minions start handing out room assignments.

“No one sleeps in the room with Drew, but me.” Emmett grits out when he reads who Drew was assigned to stay with.

“We’ll be working on trust issues too.” Vern tells him.

“Trust isn't my problem, my problem stems from the fact that Michael once hit on my man.” Emmett tells him. 

“Also I'd like to add, if Michael stays with me, I'm not responsible for anything I do to him.” Drew tells Vern.

“Seriously, I wasn’t really hitting on Drew because I wanted him, but maybe it would be better if I room with Brian.” Michael suggests, looking scared.

“I think that's a great idea.” I tell everyone, because Brian deserves to have to deal with Michael for this.

“I'm good with Ted.” Brian tells him. 

“Um, I really don’t think it's a good idea who you’ve chosen for me.” Ben tells him. Brian growled when he saw why Ben seemed uncomfortable.

“To repeat Drew, I'm not responsible for Ben going missing.” I tell him, because I won't be, Brian will do it.

“Who wants to volunteer to trade with Justin and Ben?” Vern asks, apparently understanding Brian’s glare this time.

Blake, Emmett, and Michael were willing. I wasn’t going to pick anyone because really I didn’t want to hurt either Blake or Emmett since they're part of my gang. “Not Michael.” I blurted out, because I can deal with Michael, but only in small doses.

Emmett won because Blake could deal with Ben. Mel ended up with Drew, which left Michael with Lindsay. He really didn’t have to look like he got stuck with Satan. I mean that would be worse than the potential for possibly seeing girl parts. Brian wasn’t happy to find out Ben had apparently told Vern, if someone wasn’t watching us, that we'd be cheating. 

“How is it cheating when you know I'm like, married to Brian?” I ask, when Vern let us know his room was between ours.

“Make sure Brian doesn’t threaten Ted’s job too.” Michael adds, making me itch to get him back.

“Blake, meet us at our room when you’re unpacked. We'll talk about issues.” Emmett tells him. 

“See, your already seeing the benefits of this.” Vern tells us. 

“I'm definitely going to show everyone how beneficial all this is.” Emmett says sweetly.

“I need to get some things from the store, is that allowed?” I ask, as if I really care what Vern thinks.

“Of course. We aren’t taking away your freedom, just trying to get each couple to see there are better ways to resolve your problems.” He tells me. “Brian, he really needs to stick with Emmett. That is one of the rules, that they stay with who they are assigned to when we aren’t in the sessions.” He tells Brian when he started to follow me.

“Ted, we need to go.” Brian tell him, giving Vern the look that says be afraid.

I went to the shop looking for something that will make Michael and Ben wish they’d kept their mouths shut. Brian and Ted went to the front desk, telling Emmett and I to wait on them. The store was lacking in revenge stuff, but Emmett is the king when it comes to this shit. He picked up a bottle of shampoo and then nair, I shrugged, because you do the best you can with what you have. I kept looking around for something, and snagged the superglue, figuring we could do something with it. Emmett smiled when we got to the medicines, but I had to say no to the ex-lax because I already did that one. Then we agreed to the sleep aids because there was no way Brian could go without for two days. Hey, if Vern is sleeping the sleep of the dead then Brian won’t be trying to find a way to nail his door shut.

“Is there a hardware section?” I ask the sales clerk who started following us around.

“Depends on what you need.” She tells me, looking at our odd assortment.

“We sort of got stuck at the ‘Love Guru’s’ thing and he’s been looking at our guys like they were lunch while saying we have problems. I want you to look at the front desk. See the guy the front desk clerk is most likely going to give anything he wants?” I ask her.

She nodded, not being able to look away. “That’s mine, and for some reason the ‘Love Guru’ thinks it’s a problem for me to see him naked. Which is like a real problem, since I count it as a major pro in this marriage thing.” I tell her.

“Any chance he’d lounge by the pool, for the rest of us?” She asks.

“Only if we can escape from Alcatraz.” Emmett tells her.

“Make a list.” She tells us.

“What are you two doing?” Brian asks, when we were busy trying to think of ways to thwart this weekend.

“I’m working on making sure you get sexual congress.” I tell him, haughtily.

“Crazy Glue isn’t sold by the gallon. After the last time you dosed Jasper, I told you no more things that could end up with a hospital stay. Here, give me that and take this.” Brian hands me a room key, and throws the list in the garbage. Dragging me out of the store, the clerk held up the real list and nodded at me and Emmett. See, Brian isn’t as on to me as he wants to believe.

“Why do you have my room key?” I ask.

“I have the key to the room you and I will be in. You really think I’m spending the weekend staring at Ted’s ass?” He asks me.

JUSTIN 

“It was funny. I mean we could have like done so much worse. Really, it wasn't like Michael’s eyebrows didn’t need taming.” I tell Brian and Ted, who were looking at Emmett and me like we were bad children who needed spankings… I could deal with that.

“But I'm sure he would have at least liked to have eyebrows.” Ted says, while Drew and Blake laughed. “You two are not helping.” Ted says, in a naughty teacher voice, that has Blake's eyes glazing over.

“What was the purpose of putting oil in the sunscreen you gave Ben and Lindsay?” Brian does naughty teacher better, he really sounds mad.

“Hello, are you enjoying ‘Camp Everything Baby Does Is The Reason Marriage Fails’?” Emmett asks.

“This is only day two, how are we going to survive day three?” Ted asks. 

“Ted, we really need for you to get with the program, I never do anything small.” I tell him, which has him groaning.

The lecture stopped long enough for us to watch Vern trying to walk proudly by, but he really just didn’t carry off the fire engine red hair as well as Deb does. “I don’t even want to know how you two did that.” Brian tells me. 

Which was good because the cleaning lady actually likes her job. When Emmett heard her complaining about the mess Vern leaves his room in, she was only too happy to help us. 

“Mr Kinney, would you like us to rub oil on your back while you finish talking to Justin?” Three girls wait eagerly for him to let them. While I have jealous tendency when it comes to men, it's only because they have a chance with Brian. Plus, the girls were all for helping me and Emmett as long as Brian and Drew shirtless was a promise.

“I'm fine, thank you.” Brian says through gritted teeth.

The sighs of disappointment were loud, but they were only promised the view, not touching. Rocko waved at me, letting me know that he had everything ready. Brian turned and glared at the tanned, built man I was staring at that wasn’t him. “Emmett and I have to go do a trust thing. Later.” I yelled, running away before Brian killed Rocko.

Rocko was our assigned counselor, but like us, he thought Vern was an asshole. So instead of the whole falling, catching exercise Vern thought Emmett and I needed, we got Rocko to agree to kayaking in the Gulf. Rocko planned to fish while Emmett and I attempted to reach the island we could see. Which wasn’t helped by the fact that Emmett and I weren't like, sailors, and on occasion went in circles. We learned quickly though when Rocko yelled that there was a shark behind us. Emmett for some reason thought he wanted to see ‘Jaws’ but quickly changed his mind when it circled his boat. We both rowed like champions after that and ran onto the shore of the island. 

“I'm not getting in the sardine can again.” Emmett says, pointing to the kayak. 

“Jaws will find another victim, but come on, I want to make sure Vern really has a reason to hate my ass.” I tell him. 

So, like most people think Emmett and I are idiots, but that’s likely because we tend to act a bit mentally stunted. It's like, so far from the truth. We had managed to get out of Rocko that day three was going to be everyone sent to the island, using only things provided in our backpacks for a three night stay. All I could see was Brian ordering the coast guard to save him. So instead, Leo paid this boat captain to drop off supplies for the A-team which Michael, Ben, Lindsay, and Mel aren’t on for this three hour horror, or The Guru of Loves torture. I smiled that Leo included my fat inducers in the food, which I finally caught Brian eating. We were setting up the tents and generators, because I'm so not living without the devil's air. Leo’s wife managed to find air conditioners that sat on the ground, so Brian won't complain about sweating our asses off while he works my ass the way I like.

Emmett was busy making up for our alcohol free first two days. We were disappointed we only managed to rid Michael of even more unwanted hair, and leave Ben and Lindsay looking redder than Vern’s new do. Luckily, Leo got the supplies from the list we had the sales girl send him, while Brian had been making sure she didn’t help us. I was so Ramboing this island, since Vern plans to be monitoring us like children. He really believed Brian and I were abstaining because Vern commanded it, while probably thinking Brian would get blue balls enough to want Vern. They should really call Vern the Guru of wanting our men. When I bitched about it, Ben told me that if I would actually pay attention I might learn how to be the kind of partner the head of a major business needs. Lindsay couldn’t leave Ben to pay, but added that Brian knows he could come to her if he needed someone who could impress his clients. At that point I'd had more than enough of how I was everything wrong in a relationship. So, they burned.

Which is going to make it all kinds of fun when they're stuck on this island with a granola bar. Emmett and I climbed up the trees and put up the fence made out of camouflage netting. If they wanted to get to the good side of the island they’d have to swim. It was getting hot after setting traps, which is really harder to do than the movies make them look, and we were both tired, so we got in the tent and grabbed a cocktail. Which meant we forgot we needed to go back. By the time we remembered we were a bit toasted, so neither of us could find the kayaks, which was likely because they were on the other shore. It wasn’t until I heard Brian cursing the way he does when I run to work for Joe that I was happy at least he didn’t think we were lost. Emmett and I stumbled our way towards Brian’s yelling, and neither of us was too drunk to know Brian and Drew weren’t going to kill our asses.

“Where did you get the trap?” Brian asks, hanging in the net above us next to Drew.

“Leo loves me.” I tell him, running with Emmett, as Drew managed to get out.

JUSTIN

Brian didn’t spank my ass, much to my disappointment. Instead, he and Drew decided that for once Emmett and I did something they could approve off. Like really, who the hell likes to swat mosquitoes and sweat if you can avoid it? Brian and Drew at least got a boat that wouldn’t make Jaw’s think lunch. Which was good, because Emmett and I would have had to swim back, the kayaks apparently took off with the high tide. We were in time for dinner, which was also where everyone was supposed to talk about what they learned with their one on one counselors. Which had me confused about how Brian and Drew escaped, when they should have been in sessions of their own. 

Ted rolled his eyes when I asked how Brian and Drew got away. He told me it was the dumbest thing he’d ever heard from me, which yeah, it could be; but well we still had years to go before he could answer that. Apparently Brian just walked off when the counselor asked him to share and release his troubles into the air, which was a balloon she handed him. Ted stuck around to console the girl, who cried that no one took her seriously. 

Vern came by, acting like we were supposed to applaud because he graced us with his presence. On the platform, Michael and Ben sat to left of Vern, while Mel and Lindsay sat to the right, apparently it was Vern’s prize for the couples he felt were doing the best in the sessions.

Brian got up to leave, but once again was reminded by Vern that I couldn’t separate from Emmett. Emmett had absolutely no problem leaving the rubber chicken and wilted salad. I tried to eat, but even being hungry I revolted when even my knife couldn’t cut through it. 

At least we found edible food, and you know what, Brian loves me, he asked the man to deliver to the island. Likely because he saw the food that Leo sent, which is my food, and unlike me, Brian actually likes the healthy shit he puts in his body.

We went back with Drew, following Emmett to his room. I watched from around the corner as Vern seemed to forget Drew like, tackled people for a living. Vern backed into his room when Drew stood looking at Vern as if to sack his ass.

Brian yanked me away from my spying, and well, it wasn’t like I was resisting when he pushed me against the door to molest me while unlocking the door. Seeing Brian Kinney in all his glory isn't anything but my luck for being tricked into everything I wanted and what he knew I wanted. 

As far as I was concerned, sexual congress was a pro, but then I get Brian, so maybe Vern was just conning the hell out of it because he didn't. Brian stripped me and took a second to decide which we were going to use, the huge bathtub with jets or the enormous shower with three heads. The tub won because we could always rinse off after. Brian tossed supplies on the edge of the tub and waited for me to get comfortable on his lap. I turned on his lap to face him. Trying to kiss him, but he wanted to talk. Really? I mean like, naked here!

“Justin, I know you aren’t really upset about our daughter.” He TELLS me.

I relented, because well, I wasn’t really, and well sex wasn’t likely to happen until I told the truth. “No, but it would have been nice if we got to see like an ultra sound, and you know, feel her moving. It doesn’t seem real right now, because I like missed everything.” I tell him.

“I have the ultrasound for you.” He tells me.

“Really?” I ask.

“It won’t change that you didn’t get to feel her move, but I honestly was sort of creeped out when Lindsay used to make me hold her stomach.” He tells me.

“I’d probably start comparing it to the alien movies, you know, waiting for it to claw it’s way out.” I agree.

“Why am I not surprised?” He smiles.

“Because you're all on to me.” I joke.

“I’m about to be in you.” He whispers into my lips before giving me a hard slap to the ass.

“You mean we don’t get to do the whole talk about our feelings? I mean, all sexual congress does is mask that like, my cuteness and quirkiness should be a problem for you.” I tell him, as he enters me with his fingers, which only made me want to hurry up to the sex.

“Who gives a fuck, because it’s the reason I want you. I fell in love with you because you brought fun into my life.” He tells me, finally getting to my favorite part and thrusting until he was seated to the hilt.

“What’s the use in life if you don’t see the stupid shit as funny.” I tell him, moaning as I move my ass to meet his thrust. “But you know we didn’t need to come here?” I tell him as he covers my mouth to shut me up.

As much as I liked the tub, it was kind of limiting movement and Brian agreed, letting me go and following me to the shower. He played with my ass before kneeling down and kissing each cheek. He held me still so I could on turn my head to watch him. Then used his tongue to lick every inch of he was looking at. Spreading me open, he feasted like he was starving for me, and yeah, that was really fun. He could do this for hours, but since the cockblock patrol had limited us to twice a day, he was eager to finish what we started in the tub. Standing up he asked for the lube that was apparently made to work in water and applied it liberally to both of us. He latched onto my neck, likely leaving a big old sign that Vern would disapprove of, and he thrust home again. It wasn’t slow, but the kind of sex I once tried to explain to Michael, you know chandelier and all but then when Brian fucked you, it was truely an entire circus of fun. My moan told him he was exactly where I need him and well, his moan told me that we definitely had this part of marriage perfected. 

“Always so tight and ready for me.” He whispered, slamming into me.

I couldn’t hold on when he hit my prostate with each stroke. I came screaming, in hopes that everyone in the hotel figured out that this was a huge pro in any marriage. Brian came seconds later, and we both leaned against the other until we caught our breath. I threw a towel at him and made my way to the bed, falling into it. After all the actual work I had to do today, my ass was tired. Of course Brian has never understood sleep, so I smiled as he started back up again.

“Seriously, why are we here?” I asked after we finished round four.

“You wanted to come, which means we do it. It’s the thing that works for us, you want, I deliver; while you plot out a way to make us have fun. Call Leo and tell him we need more supplies.” Brian told me as he was falling asleep.

He was joining in my crazy. See, we really didn’t need counseling.

JUSTIN

JUSTIN

Drew handed over the shovel when I asked and stood next to me, directing me on how to dig the correct trap for him. He made Emmett talk to him, which Emmett had been avoiding. Only now that he couldn’t escape, Emmett let it all fly. 

“Your mother blames me for you being gay. Every time I try to plan the wedding, she shows up with a list of women she wants you to meet. Apparently, one of them will get you to remember that you’re straight.” Emmett tells him.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Drew asks.

“Because you seemed happy that she wanted to stay with us.” Emmett tells him.

“Emmett, do you honestly think I want my mother around? Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but I only let her stay because you seemed happy she was there. I want to marry you and I want us to do what Brian and Justin are doing soon.” Drew tells him.

“Hopefully, you know, you’ll like tell Emmett, before hijacking the sperm.” Blake says, laughing.

Brian dragged me out of the fourth hole I dug. I figured out that being on an island in the middle of the Gulf meant hitting water really fast when digging. Brian and Drew explained in detail that they weren’t digging to China, but making it so when the victim came up to their trap, they slid in. It was really genius when they added the slime stuff. Ted managed to get some that looked like the sand. Only when you got it on you, everything you touched stuck to it. Emmett and I tried it and yep even leaves stuck to us. When the sun started coming up we figured we needed to get back before Vern got a clue we’d been missing.

Vern was waiting at the dock, tapping his foot. He seemed to think since he couldn’t intimidate Brian and Drew, the rest of us were fair game. He started to lecture us about following his rules. I sort of got irritated, and it’s not like I knew Jaws had been following us, so when I accidentally bumped his ass into the water, I really thought he was being a drama queen, screaming like something was going to eat him. It’s not like he flew that far, just sort of close enough to see the fin coming out of the water. I almost like asked if he wanted to try out for the Olympics, since the whole Love Guru thing was likely crashing and burning. Which was apparent when the other couples showed up barely looking at each other. 

“What happened since last night?” I ask.

“Michael figured if everyone else gets to break the rules, than he should be able to do it too. Only Ben started his usual lecture on why they were here, which sounded like it was Michael’s fault.” Ted tells me. 

“What about Mel and Lindsay, they look like they're ready to kill each other?” Emmett asks. 

“Lindsay was flirting with Vern.” Ted tells him. 

“What the hell for?” Emmett asks, which I'm sure we were all ready to ask. 

“Apparently Mel was siding with Ben, and blamed Lindsay for their problems.” Blake tells him. 

Drew told us to get back in his boat, when Vern showed up, trying to put everyone on different boats other than the one with their partners. Rocko handed us our backpacks, and since I was hungry, I ate the snack food and left the backpack in the boat. Vern smirked at me, saying what was provided in our backpacks was meant to get us through the next three days. He looked confused when I didn’t react. When he started explaining the idea was to test our ability to work together as couples, we all took off instead of staying around for his lecture.

Brian grabbed a beer from the ice chest as soon as we arrived at our camp. Emmett played hostess, serving everyone drinks, it was almost noon when we heard the first yelp. Emmett and I drunkenly ran, since it sounded like our trap. Emmett really impressed me by keeping the drink he ran with in the glass. We finally found our first victim, and were disappointed in Rocko.

“Can you get me down?” He asks, as we both just stared up at him.

Emmett kept trying to find some place to put his drink, so I went to climb up the tree, thinking we should have like tied the rope that let them go, lower. Brian yanked me down, going up himself, saying the last thing he needed was for Leo to find out I broke my neck. I was about to protest but we heard another scream, and Emmett, Blake, and I left the guys to see who scored.

We found Michael screaming as if he was being drowned.

“Help me!” He screeches.

“Michael seriously? It's like two feet deep.” Blake scowls.

Michael got up, only to slip and go under again. I grabbed the hand he held out like he was in quicksand, only to have him yank me in with him. We sort of wrestled for a few minutes but eventually Brian seemed to get tired of waiting for us to stop playing and told Ted to get us out. Like he didn’t know what Michael and I would do. Unfortunately Ted didn’t either, which, lucky for us only had Ted laughing. After it got boring we climbed out, with Michael begging to be on our side. Which I got, since in my head the evil was all Vern. 

Brian held me away from him, and dragged me off to clean all my hard to reach places. It took a while but after the third orgasim we were stopped by Emmett, telling me it was my idea to let Michael in our group. Michael didn’t grab a beer but a bottle, and downed it, saying he was tired of being considered the child in his relationship, then he started stripping. Which, even drunk I so like didn’t want to see that he still wore underoos. We chased him when he ran toward one of our other traps, since like Ted, we couldn’t really count it as a point, Brian’s rule. We sort of lost him when he kind of got camouflaged by all the things that stuck to him. We finally found his drunken ass trying to unstick the envelope he found, while reading the note.

“I got one.” Michael said. Well it sounded like him, but reminded me of the creature in one of the movies they play on late night creature features. Which I make Brian watch with me and tell me when I can look again. “Vern made it sound like prizes.” He pouts.

I looked and thought, yeah, to me it was, since any excuse to get naked with my partner worked for me. “What’s wrong with giving your partner a lap dance?” I ask.

“Ben said I looked like I was having a seizure when I tried.” He tells us glumly, or well, I just assumed that’s what he looked like since I couldn’t tell.

“Honey, naked, normally any gay man wouldn’t care.” Emmett says, trying to get the picture of what Michael was describing out of his head.

We all heard the girls coming towards us, and since they were still on the bad side, we hid behind Michael and a bush. They walked right over Michael, not even paying attention, but bitching that they were going to get the most notes. Creeping behind them, it was hard not to hope they would step just a little to the left, but alas, they went right and found one of the notes and seemed to take exception to my ideas of prizes.

“Three blow jobs anywhere we choose?” Mel says, like it was the worst idea ever, which, well I could give her, being a lesbian and all.

What I couldn’t forgive was Lindsay deciding to change the rules, and wanted to scream for them to stop. Emmett and I decided that Brian and Drew scored ten points when both the girls ended up toppling into the hole they missed to get the note. Only something strange happened, they were laughing, and well, we left when they decided to make out with each other. We sent Brian and Drew to get the lesbians, since they had each managed to sex up a woman at one time and apparently didn’t have nightmares, the way Emmett and I did. 

Blake and Ted ended up feeling bad when Michael’s eyelids sealed shut, but debated cleaning it off his lips when the stuff dried his lips together. Brian and Drew sent the girls with Ted and Blake, not wanting to know anything else that might have gotten glued together with the stuff. 

Emmett and I were curious where Ben was, but not enough to not want to win by bagging Vern. In the point system, Vern was a guaranteed win. When Michael returned, it wasn’t a choice. We were going to get Ben to shut him up, since hearing all about the reasons Michael loved Ben sounded way too harlequin romance for us. When we found Ben and Vern, let's just say Michael and postal had a lot in common. In the end, I really couldn’t blame Michael for trying to drown Vern. Only Michael, ever oblivious to everything, didn’t see Ben’s look of disgust at Vern when Vern leapt on him. He also didn’t see the look of awe Ben had when Michael was screaming at Vern about why Ben was his and only his. I started to wonder if maybe I underestimated coming here. I mean, not that Vern was like, worth listening to, but well, everyone seemed to figure out their relationships. Ben grabbed a screaming Michael and followed us to the other side. Vern was yelling that Michael would pay for trying to kill him. Like any of us were going to say Michael did anything, it was the one time we all agreed.

We were almost to the camp when Vern came running at Michael, saying he didn’t deserve a partner like Ben, and then insulted both me and Emmett for using our charms to win men that should want someone like Vern. As far as I was concerned, he deserved everything he got, which was getting netted and then falling straight into the hole Brian and Drew dug underneath it. It was also Brian’s idea to tie the net to a limb that wouldn’t hold the weight of Gus. 

I really wanted to watch, but Brian came running to find me and told me we had to go. He dragged me behind him, saying who the fuck cared about Vern when our daughter was here. The whole gang took off with us, leaving Rocko to enjoy the camp, and deal with Vern.

BRIAN

Once Justin was holding our daughter, he started ordering everyone to clean and disinfect anything that went near her. I waited for him to say something to me, but he was completely under the spell of the tiny bundle in his arms. He didn’t even react when she started showing us her perfect set of lungs, only told me to get the bottle because Annabelle was hungry. See he already had a name, so regardless of what anyone thinks, I knew what he wanted and I delivered. I thanked the woman who carried our daughter, not letting Justin near her, because he’d think she needed him too. Which she didn’t, because I picked her to carry our daughter because she saw what she did as just a way to help couples, not to become part of their lives. I still needed to tell Justin about the egg donor, but he figured it out after we put Annabelle in her bed next to ours that night.

“Claire?” He asks.

“She wanted to do something for you. She feels like she’s happy for the first time in her life, all because you wouldn’t leave her to live out a miserable life with Satan.” I tell him.

“I’m so like going to find her a man, so she can be happy like me.” Justin tells me.

“How about we spend our life worrying about the man Annabelle will likely make Gus and I want to kill.” I tell him.

“Annabelle will be perfect, like Gus. Plus, I have a crew to do my bidding.” Justin tells me, falling to sleep.

I got up and traced the finger that laid next to Annabelle’s head, then felt BJ rub my leg. I picked her up and let her see the new addition to the house, but she was more interested in sitting in my lap and falling asleep, something she missed while I was gone for the week. I looked over as Rocky and Regina leapt from place to place in order to see the new smell they hadn’t recognized. Then Sunny and Ally wandered in, trying to get in the bassinette with Annabelle. It’s something they did when Gus was over, they didn’t sleep with us but curled around Gus. It wasn’t like I expected them to see Annabelle as anything but someone who took up the attention Justin and I gave them. Only, like us, they saw Annabelle as the next stage in the circus that Justin brings with him.

All I could see was Justin finally meeting his match in a baby that was likely going to turn is world upside down, the way he turned mine the day we met. I could see Gus relishing his role as big brother, and torturing Annabelle the way he did Jenny, who loved every bit of attention Gus gave her. I picked up BJ, laid her on the shirt I sacrificed to keep her out of the bed and wrapped my arms around a smiling Justin. Hoping that somewhere in all the madness of being parents that he didn’t stop making my life the crazy world it became when I admired a pair of kitten slippers, and well, spongebob stretched over a perfectly perky ass helped too.

JUSTIN

Annabelle and I went to show off what happens when you marry one Brian Kinney. Leo flew in to see his honorary granddaughter, since I liked him and decided we were sort of short in the Granddad department. My father sent a card with a college fund, which was more than I expected, since he still chooses to say I’m cohabitating with Brian, like we were bachelors sharing a house until the wives showed up. My mom, who apparently knew the whole time, was just thrilled to have two grandkids to spoil. Gus of course, was the perfect big brother, he listened to all my stories of how to deal with bratty younger sisters and continued my legacy. Only he was being nice, since Annabelle wasn’t ready for all the things big brothers are supposed to do yet. 

It was really great when Leo showed up, because Vern was sort of, well not sort of, he WAS pissed at everything we did. He showed up at Kinnetik, saying he was going to sue Michael for causing all the couples not to get what they paid for. Somehow, Emmett and I weren’t at fault for a change. Only Leo looked around the room at all the couples who had come to throw a welcome home to Annabelle party and asked Vern what his seminar promised.

“To bring couples together, and help them sort through all the things that eventually cause strife in the marriage. In a lot of cases people get married without even seeing the problems that will eventually happen because they acted on impulse.” He tells Leo.

“It might not have worked the way you wanted, but all I see are couples who managed to find out the problems weren’t insurmountable. In fact, from what Justin and I talked about, they forgot to have fun, so what Michael did was show them it’s the key ingredient they were all missing.” Leo tells him, which I like, didn’t correct, because well it seemed to make Michael beam that Leo made him sound like the hero.

“Which will only last until they run into the next stumbling block, I was giving them the tools to overcome it.” Vern says, like he knew anything. Six failed marriages contradicted the idiot.

“I have forty years of laughter and fun in my marriage to prove you wrong. What do you have? What did you call him, Justin?” He asks me.

“The Guru of Love.” We all say together.

“How long have you stayed married?” Leo asks, smirking.

He left without saying a word, which only means we’ll deal with him later.

“No!” Brian says, once again proving he’s on to me.