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JUSTIN

 

I've seen him all my life; through the eyes of a child who worshipped the hero he was, the kid who made him proud for being intelligent, and the teen who he turned away for being gay. Later as the stranger I sometimes talked to, but never visited. I put him in a place in my life where I couldn't feel the fissures his indifference made to my life. Through it all I wanted my father to be able to love me the way he once did. So I stood in front of his door, unsure of why I was even here. I got up the courage to knock, still not understand why now, only when he's dying.

 

“Justin, come in.” He tells me, smiling and welcoming me.

 

“I wanted to know how you are.” I tell him.

 

“Good, well, better right now. Do you want something to drink?” He asks.

 

“Sure, anything.” I tell him, looking around. “What happened to your girlfriend?” I ask, when it looks more like a bachelor's house.

 

“It didn’t work out, she wasn't looking to settle down.” He tells me, handing me a cup of coffee. “I don't know how you take it.” He points at the cup.

 

“Black most of the time, Brian puts so much sugar in it, it's like sugar flavored with coffee.” I tell him, not sure about saying anything about Brian in front of him.

 

“How does he stay in shape? Trust me, it catches up when you least expect it.” He asks.

 

“Brian tends to work it off.” I tell him.

 

“He told me you're having another child.” He tells me.

 

“This one was just as much of a surprise as Hannah was.” I tell him.

 

“A happy one though, when your mother told me she was having you, I was walking on air.” He tells me.

 

“It must of sucked when you fell back to earth years later.” I tell him, trying not to sound bitter, but failing.

 

“Probably more for you, when you found out I wasn’t the father you needed.” He tells me.

 

“It wasn’t a good day, but I survived it and everything that was thrown at me after.” I tell him.

 

“It's something you were always capable of. You never needed me or anyone to tell you who you were or where you were headed in life. Your mother and I… I always felt like I was ten steps behind when it came to you. You were more intelligent than I was by the time you were thirteen. I had a big future planned for you, but it wasn’t a future you would have wanted.” He tells me.

 

“I couldn’t be you, the football star and businessman.” I tell him.

 

“I didn’t know how to be a father to a gay son.” He tells me.

 

“I'm a father to two kids. Whether they're straight, gay, or undeclared, it doesn't change how I love them.” I tell him.

 

“I want to be the father of my son, but I need help.” He tells me.

 

“It just feels like you want it because of the cancer.” I tell him.

 

“I've always wanted it, but I grew up in a time when it wasn’t accepted as easily.” He tells me.

 

“So did I, it's not like the world has changed that much. I just didn’t let bigotry win.” I tell him.

 

“This was so much easier when I could blame Brian.” He laughed.

 

“He’s used to everyone blaming him.” I tell him.

 

“I wasn’t blaming him, so much as wanting to find a reason that it wasn’t something I did.” He tells me.

 

“It’s who I am, you couldn’t change it or find a reason for why I turned out gay, it just is. It's something I knew long before I met Brian. If it wasn't Brian, it would have been someone eventually. Brian only showed me what I wanted to see.” I tell him.

 

“What happened that you parted, leaving you alone to raise Hannah?” He asks.

 

“Life happens. He got offered a job in New York, which was his big dream. I was a high school kid he couldn’t take with him. I walked away when he stopped calling or answering me. He only found out about Hannah a while ago. Now he's determined to be the best father he can be.” I tell him.

 

“How did Lindsay become involved?” He asks, which only showed how little he knew about me after I left the house.

 

“She's my son Gus’s mother. At one time I thought she was a friend of mine. I found out differently when Brian left. The only friends I really have from here are Daphne and Emmett. There are a few others, but that only happened recently. Lindsay’s feels like I'm trying to live the life she failed at. Only I managed to do what she couldn’t, so she tried to hang on to Brian to prove she could have something I couldn’t.” I tell him.

 

“She lost everything, because she couldn't accept her own failure.” He tells me.

 

“You think there's a life lessons in that?” I ask.

 

“I think my life is a repeat of Lindsay’s, but I don’t want to continue being the father you try to forget.” He tells me.

 

“I wish it didn’t feel like it was only because of what you're going through that you want to mend fences.” I tell him.

 

“I let the distance grow between us because I didn’t know how to cross the divide. I didn’t know how to tell you what a sorry piece of shit I was for not seeing past everything to the son who only ever made me proud to be his father. You didn’t change, but I couldn’t see past every plan I had for you being thrown out. I expected you to want what I wanted, and when you didn’t, it felt like you were saying I wasn’t good enough. You being gay just made it easier to say it was your fault, not mine. I want to know the man you became and not be someone your kids barely know because I couldn’t accept my son. The one who never gave me a reason to be ashamed of him, but of myself.” He tells me.

 

I left almost feeling sorry for the man who kicked me out at seventeen, not caring what happened to me. I wanted to talk to Brian, because if our children were going to meet their grandfather, I needed him to be okay with it. I left there and went to see Lindsay, I wanted to tell her one last thing I managed that she couldn’t.

 

Carl told me I just missed Brian and my mom, but checked to see if Lindsay would see me. I didn’t doubt she would. Carl led me into the room where she sat, looking bored.

 

“Hello, miss me?” She asks.

 

“Not really, but you know, I did find something you and I had in common.” I tell her.

 

“Really, you're finally starting to see that you lived my life.” She tells me.

 

“In one way. I always wanted my father to approve of my life and want to be my father. The way you wanted your mother to.” I tell her.

 

“It’s one thing you and I will never get.” She tells me, sounding resigned to it.

 

“I guess you won’t, but apparently my father was proud of me even when he couldn’t say it. It was nice to hear it though.” I tell her, getting up.

 

“He probably wants something from you.” She sneers.

 

“To meet his grandchildren, not something even your father ever asked to do.” I tell her.

 

“When will he meet the newest one?” She asks, rolling her eyes.

 

“Brian’s due later this year.” I left with her screaming all sort of colorful congratulations.

 

BRIAN

 

Jen and I left to find out what was going on with Lindsay, Nancy, and Michael. We walked in on a sight I never wanted to see in any lifetime. I’m sure Deb and Carl wished we hadn’t seen it either. Jen and I waited outside the door but I really just couldn’t deal with it. When they opened the door, I couldn’t even offer my usual smirk, I just chose to look at the desk while we talked.

 

“Jesus Brian, believe it or not old people do it too.” Deb tells me, throwing up her hands in the air.

 

“To what do we owe the honor of your unexpected visit?” Carl asks.

 

“I just wanted to know that we aren’t going to have a repeat of Lindsay getting out.” I tell Carl.

 

“Lindsay is being advised to just plead out, if she does it will reduce the years, but part of the deal is, when she is released she’s is prohibited from contacting you or Justin, unless you both allow it. Michael will get probation that he will serve in Pittsburgh. Nancy on the other hand is finding out that you don’t circumvent the justice system if you don’t want the system to show you why. She and Roy are going to find out who they are doesn’t matter, because of what they did.” He tells me.

 

“Michael gets to find out what happens to people who take something just because they offer it to you. Nancy owns his store and the lease on his apartment. He really believed they paid for everything out of the kindness of the Peterson women’s hearts.” Deb says, shaking her head.

 

“Thanks, I just wanted to know.” I tell them, getting up to leave.

 

“Carl.” Jen calls as we walk out.

 

“Yes?” He asks.

 

“Next time lock the door.” She tells him.

 

When we got back to her house Jen was laughing that I couldn’t look at Carl and Deb. Justin came in, not looking upset after spending time with Craig. It was a point in Craig’s favor, which is the only point he’s managed to get from me.

 

 

 

 

 

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