BRIAN

Justin got Emmett to pick up Gus and Hannah from school without having to tell him why. We were going to see if somehow the three tests I took were wrong. I sat in the exam room staring at the posters, hoping I never looked like any of the guys with exploding bellies. I kept eyeing the one where the guy could somehow smile when it looked like he swallowed a couple beach balls. There was nothing I could see to smile about in that picture.

“I only gained ten pounds.” Justin tells me.

“You were probably at your normal weight pregnant.” I complained.

“I never had to buy anything but pants.” He tells me.

“Was that normal?” I ask, praying for it.

“My doctor wanted me to gain more, but I never did.” He says, reading a poster as if it had answers for what went wrong.

“He also didn’t know why what happened with Hannah, happened.” I tell him.

The door opened and Dr. Yates came in, asking me to lay down. He pulled the sonogram over and lifted my shirt. I shivered when he put the gel on my stomach.

“It'll warm up.” He says, turning to switch the monitor on. The twat started laughing.

“It does, remember.” Justin tells me.

“I just want to make sure, the tests are positive, but with men it can indicate other reasons.” Yates tells us.

“Like what?” I ask.

“In your case, this.” He points at a small blob, the turns on the sound. “In other cases, a possibility of cancer. I wanted to make sure you didn't have a recurrence.” He tells me.

“What is he talking about?” Justin asks.

“I had cancer.” I tell him.

The doctor finished the exam, filled out prescriptions and let me know to schedule my next appointment. Justin didn’t say anything after I told him. We got in the car, he turned and looked out the window, staying silent.

“I never told anyone.” I tell him.

“I would have been surprised if you did.” He tells me.

“It felt like my world was ending, and I didn’t want to deal with anyone knowing.” I tell him.

“Is there a chance it could happen again?” He asks.

“There's always the chance, but they removed it all, including my ball. It's why I didn't think I would get pregnant. It was a possible side effect. It runs in my family.” I tell him.

“There's still so much we don’t know, isn’t there?” He asks.

“I know you’re the one I would have told, if I told anyone.” I tell him.

“Why me?” He asks.

“You wouldn’t have let me wallow in self pity. You'd have kicked my ass and made me get on with my life. I'll talk about it if you need me to, but like you said, it turned out with me healthy and that's all I want to remember.” I tell him.

“It's all I need to know.” He tells me, understanding.

MICHAEL

Miles sat around complaining that Brian ruined his life. How he had everything, until Brian showed up. I wanted to tell him Justin came first and fucked up everything, but no one dared say anything bad if it was about fucking Justin. Every time he whined I just pretended to agree, it wasn't easy to listen to him talk about Justin like he was the guy everyone should want. I wanted to ask if he even saw Brian, because if he did, how could he see anyone else but Brian?

He took me to dinner with his friends and then it was all about how the ex is trying to sue for primary custody of the kid, using that he quit his job and had no way to support the kid. He blamed it all on Brian again. I noticed the friends giving each other looks like they were tired of hearing it. Miles really needs to see no one wants to listen to him constantly bitching. I overheard one woman say the ex should go for sole custody, because Miles’s obsessing over a married man wasn’t healthy for the kid. Miles didn’t notice, he was too busy telling everyone the life he could have had.

When we got home, Miles pulled out a bottle, pouring us drinks still going on and on about how he was the one who been here for Justin, yet Brian got what he'd spent years trying to get. I started downing drinks, hoping it would keep me from yelling at him to shut up.

“I would have been perfect for Justin. He wouldn’t ever have doubted how I felt, the way you said that asshole did. I was there to listen and show him I cared about him, how could he think Brian would give him what I could.” He tells me.

“Justin’s a selfish shit who doesn't care who he hurts, as long as he gets what he wants.” I tell him.

“Brian’s the one who waltzed in, blinding Justin. If Brian had just stayed away, Justin and I would have been together.” He argues.

“You’re wrong, because until Justin showed up, Brian never let anyone be more important than me.” I tell him.

“Brian doesn’t deserve Justin, like you said, he was constantly fucking around on Justin. Why would anyone want a whore, when they would have had someone who would love them the way they should be.” He tells me.

“You're right, why go back to a slut when there was someone who would have stayed true to you.” I tell him, finally able to agree. I looked over when he didn't add anything else, but he’d passed out.

I got up and lifted him while he mumbled about how he should have been the one. It felt like when I used to take care of Brian. He fell in the bed fully clothed and I did what I always did for Brian. When he was under the covers I leaned over kissing his forehead the way I did when Brian was out. I looked around his bedroom at photos of him and the kid. I found one that had two girls with there arms around each other, smiling at the camera, remembering when Brian and I did that. It sucked to see the same hazel eyes staring back at me. I looked at the child who brought Justin back in Brian’s world, but couldn't hate her. She was as beautiful as her father, and it was hard to hate someone who came from him. I wouldn't blame her for having Justin for a father, just show her who loved Brian the most. I took the picture because it was showing me that I hadn't lost everything, because she took the same picture Brian and I did.

LINDSAY

I didn’t hate sitting in Alex’s office once a week. It got me out of jail. He seemed to think it would be easier for me to talk to him here. My mother came to bitch about how her life had been screwed up by me. I enjoyed the many things she wanted to say about me. If only Alex would stop trying to talk to me, I could enjoy the fact that my mother’s no longer the head bitch of the country club.

“Nancy these sessions are to assess Lindsay.” Alex tells her.

“Lindsay caused everything that happened to her. She couldn’t do anything unless it was the opposite of anything we hoped for her.” Mother of the year decrees.

“I really tried to be you, I think I got the frigid bitch part down. It was the idea of marrying someone who I couldn’t want to fuck every chance I got, I just didn’t see asking my tennis instructor to do what Daddy obviously failed to do for you, was the problem.” I tell her. “Really, fucking a barely legal kid and paying him, was just too desperate for me.” I tell her.

“Darling, thinking a gay man, who couldn’t even stand the idea of screwing you in order to have a child, should have finally gotten it in your head that he never wanted you. Instead you ran around wanting to believe you were better than the man he did screw AND MARRY.” She tells me.

“Brian will figure out Justin will never be me for him. Brian needs a wife who can stand beside him and who he can be proud of.” I tell them.

ALEX

There was a time when the idea of writing a paper on this level of delusion, would be something I would have been thrilled with. Listening to Lindsay and Nancy, tells me I was an idiot to think there was anything worth that much time.

When Lindsay told me she felt having her mother in sessions would help her, I knew she just wanted to be able to see her mother as a new victim. She can’t get to Justin, so she wanted someone she could feel superior too. I wanted to shock Lindsay back and I got Justin’s permission to do it.

“Justin was offered a solo show in New York.” I threw out while mother and daughter were thinking up the next jab at each other.

“He managed to do everything you didn’t, too bad I didn’t have a son.” Nancy tells Lindsay.

“You would have just treated him like he should have licked your twat, for birthing him.” Lindsay tells her. “By the way Alex, I don’t doubt Justin will find a way to screw that up too.” Lindsay tells me.

“Justin manages to do all the things Lindsay never could. Lindsay’s never been able to do anything anyone would care to notice.” Nancy tells me. I no longer wonder why Lindsay became what she did.

“Really, no one noticed anything I did? You never let me not know that you noticed and disapproved. If you hadn’t looked down your nose at Brian when you met him, I could have shown him I was the one for him.” Lindsay tells him.

“Lindsay, Brian wasn’t going to change his preference for men.” I tell her.

“We had sex, which means Brian didn’t necessarily have a problem with it.” She tells me.

“Once in college, on a night you were both drunk and high. Lynnette told me all about you thinking he loved you. Wasn’t it the next night when he was screwing a guy on your bed?” Nancy smirked at her.

“Nancy, I think it would be better for you to let me speak with Lindsay. If you insist on staying I need for you not to distract from the reason Lindsay is here.” I tell her.

“We had an open relationship, as long as no feelings were involved it, we agreed to it.” Lindsay tells her.

“Lindsay that was Brian and Justin, not Brian and you.” I tell her.

“I’ve had my quota of ‘Lindsay’s World’.” Nancy tells us leaving.

“No, Justin was just someone Brian tricked with when he couldn’t be with me. I really should have moved in when I left Mel, it would have kept Brian from letting Justin stay around.” Lindsay tells me.

“Did Brian want you to move in?” I ask, trying to figure out what game Lindsay is playing now.

“He invited me to New York all the time. I think he was just waiting for me to leave Mel. He wouldn’t tell me to leave, because he wanted me to choose him. Justin showed up and Brian couldn’t ignore his child, so once again, we can’t be together.” She tells me.

“I’ve never known Brian to do something he didn’t want to do. If he didn’t want to be with Justin he would have supported his daughter the same way he was supporting Gus, for you.” I tell her.

“You really don’t know my Brian.” She tells me.

I stopped the session because Lindsay wasn’t going to listen to anything but what she wanted to hear. “Lindsay, if all the sessions are going to be you rewriting history, I feel we are wasting our time. I can assign someone to come to the prison for your sessions.” I tell her, as they take her out the door.

Lindsay walked over to me. “It might be easier, you can’t see that I couldn’t be responsible for everything. I’m sure someone else could.” She whispers smiling. “It’s just so confusing sometimes.” She says walking out.

I got it wrong, she's what I prayed she wasn't.