BRIAN

I sat up all night trying to find some order in my world. Justin can argue all he wants, but Lily will have as much as I can give her. I looked up insurance policies, because I needed to change my entire estate. Ted came in eating a sandwich and sat down in front of me. It was the first time he didn’t have anyone forcing him to eat something and I knew to just let it go. Justin made Ted comfortable within himself by not letting Ted’s past be more than Ted’s past. It was harder for me because I was there when Ted did what he did, and I was the one he hated for a long time. Our relationship is changing, but only because Ted is starting to see that what he and Michael had wasn’t love.

“What are you doing up?” I asked, while I looked through Gus’s paperwork for the policy I had for him.

“I was going to ask you the same thing, although you seem to have a lot going on in your life,” He shrugs.

“I want to make sure Lily gets the same things I’ve done for Gus. I need to change the policy again, but I also need to be on Lily’s birth certificate. I never want her to doubt who her father is,” I tell him.

“You didn’t know Jack wasn’t your father,” Ted tells me.

“I don’t know how I feel about having a father now,” I tell him.

“Did you find out who it was?” He asks.

He asked, but I could tell he didn’t expect me to answer him. It was my normal mode when it came to sharing anything about myself with people in my life. It’s just, somewhere along the way, Ted and Emmett became the best friends that Michael had constantly reminded me he was. It’s not like we talked about it or acknowledge the change, but you don’t live through the things we did and not form a closer bond. That’s Alex’s take on it anyway. I learned that if I wanted Ted and Emmett to see me as more than what everyone else does, I had to stop hiding everything from them.

“He’s a cop who came over when the neighbors got tired of listening to what was going on. He tried to get my mom to leave Jack. She told him to leave and he did,” I tell him.

“It’s battered spouse syndrome; you can’t be sure if leaving wouldn’t just put you in a situation worse than the one where you at least know what to expect,” He tells me.

“Is that why you stayed?” I ask.

“At first, I think it was that we always found reasons for Michael’s behavior. When he would say something shitty, I was still telling myself it was Michael, who sometimes says things he didn’t mean. After a while I pushed away the person who always gave me a knock on the head when I let my self-esteem hit the floor. I was only hearing the man who would say he loved me, tell me that all the things that bothered me about me, bothered him. I couldn’t stop myself from believing him. It felt like I was letting him down by not being all the things he wanted,” He tells me.

“We need to be ready for this to cause problems, if the man wants anything to do with me,” I tell him.

“Why?” He asks.

“Mom said he is seeing Deb, or was. If he is seeing Deb, I don’t see any reason to get to know him,” I tell him.

“Need help?” He ask, pointing to the papers on my desk.

“Do you think Mel and Lindsay still have the policy on me for Gus?” I ask.

“Are you still paying for it?” He asks.

“No. I stopped the payments when I got custody of Gus. I didn’t like the way I paid and somehow Mel ends up the guardian on the policy,” I tell him.

“How about I deal with this for you, and I can ask Cynthia to look into the birth certificate. It’s time for me to stop playing part time partner in Kinnetik,” He tells me.

I waited until Gus got up to dress him and take him with me to get some things for Lily. Justin has this stubborn streak that I wasn’t used to. It’s not like I expect to throw money at him, but she’s mine too. Emmett was dressed like he had to be somewhere this morning. I ignored the questions, but it seemed Emmett was waiting to get me alone.

“Where are you off to this morning?” Emmett asked me.

“I wanted to pick up some things,” I tell him.

“I was going to go shopping myself,” He tells me, like I didn’t know the grilling was only waiting for when I was alone.

“What do you want to know? It will save me having you chase me everywhere,”  I tell him.

“Nothing. I just think that our family is growing, in a good way. It’s time to celebrate the newest editions. Possibly talk about why you seemed to get a bit territorial over Justin when Alex was talking to him,” Emmett says, chasing me out the door.

“I wasn’t being territorial. Justin just had Lily and doesn’t need men bothering him,” I tell Emmett.

“It was okay when it was Ted or me, but not Alex?” He asks.

“You're not interested in Justin, and Ted is still scared of relationships,” I tell him.

“I think Justin is adorable, but not really my type. If Ted really looked at Justin, then maybe Michael would be history,” He tells me.

“Ted needs to find someone else,” I tell him.

“I think Justin could really do wonders for Ted. You heard Ted, Justin made him see things differently,” He should really shut up.

“Ted can find someone else to understand him,” I growl.

“In other words, you don’t like the idea of Justin with anyone? How are you planning to stop him once he starts going out again?” He needles me.

“Daddy, Jussin and Lily ours?” Gus asks.

“Yes Gussy, I think that’s what your daddy’s trying to say,” Emmett tells him.

“I barely know him, and he isn’t interested in anything but being Lily’s father right now,” I tell him.

“If he was interested, would you really be ready to settle down?” Emmett asks. “I know some changes have happened out of necessity, but when you can do things now and again, do you see it with only one person?” He asks.

“I don’t know. I never saw settling down in my future, but my life isn’t the same anymore,” I tell him.

“So, don’t kill Ted, but he told me about the Deb and your father thing. Have you given that any thought?” He asks.

“I really don’t know what I think about it. I’ve managed this long without one, why bother,” I tell him.

“To see that all father’s aren’t the kind we had. Find out if you have other siblings, possibly a family that would welcome you. I would want that if I had the chance. We’ve all been thrown away, by not just one family, but by our second one, maybe the third time's the charm,” He tells me.

I spent the time we were out thinking about the possibility I could have other siblings that might not hate my guts. Gus could have more people to love him and show him what it’s like. I was still thinking about it when we arrived at Justin’s with my car full of diapers and formula.

“Brian, you know when I said buy diapers or formula, I didn’t mean to buy it for her entire childhood,” He says, watching Emmett and I dragging in what I bought.

“Daddy says Lily and me won’t ever want for anything,” Gus tells on me.

“Brian, can we talk?” Justin asked.

“I’ll stay with our baby, you go talk,” Emmett tells me.

I followed Justin into his studio and noticed a painting he had started of Gus coloring on the floor.

“I want that when it’s finished,” I tell him.

“It was yours when I started it. We need to talk about the shopping,” He tells me.

“I spent my life never knowing if I would have the things I needed, and some days not knowing if there would dinner on the table, because Jack drank all the money away. It makes it hard for me to think my kids could go without things, and what happened with Gus made it harder. I need you to let me do what I can for Lily,” I tell him, to make him understand.

“Okay. I can understand that. It’s just, right now I have enough newborn diapers that Lily might outgrow them,” He laughs.

“Then donate them to the shelter. You are going to be wrong, there are never enough diapers,” I tell him.

“If I’m wrong you can crow all you want,” He tells me, not seeming to care if he was wrong.

“Can I talk to you about my real father?” I ask, not really knowing why I want to know what he thinks.

“If you want to,” He tells me.

“I don’t know why I don’t want to meet him. My mother told me he was seeing Deb and that’s a strike against him in my book,” I tell him.

“I dated Ethan, sometimes you date people and figure out they weren’t worth your time,” He tells me.

“He was cheating with my mother,” I tell him.

“From your description of the man she married, your real father might have made her want to see if all men were like the man she married. Maybe your real father’s kindness was hard for her to resist,” Justin tells me.

“What if I have other siblings?” I ask him.

“That’s a lot of what if’s you won’t be able to answer if you don’t give him a chance,” Justin tells me.

“If I see him and somehow want him in my life, he’ll be in Gus and Lily’s lives too,” He tells me.

“Do you want me to go with you, or maybe Ted or Emmett?” He asks.

“Would you?” I ask.

“If you wanted me too, of course. You helped me when I needed it,” He tells me.

“I didn’t do it so you would feel like you owed it to me,” I tell him, hating the way Deb and Michael made me feel like that.

“I don’t. I care about my friends and think when they need someone to lean on, as a friend, you do that,” He tells me.

“It’s something I want to do on my own, but I didn’t want to bring another person in Lily’s life without you knowing about it,” I tell him.

“Thank you for considering me in those decisions,” He tells me, kissing my cheek and walking out.

I went to the painting and loved the way Gus looked like he didn’t have a care in the world.