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 BRIAN

 

 

Justin was up with Lily, feeding her, and it woke me up. I fell asleep watching the news on the couch, because it felt strange sleeping somewhere that I didn’t own. I planned to get up and run with CJ in the morning, since I hadn’t really been exercising much lately and had been eating way too much between my place and Jusitn’s. Justin passed the couch, wincing when I sat up rubbing my face.

 

“Sorry, I’m used to making noise,” He tells me.

 

“Where is Lily?” I ask.

 

“She just needed a change, fell right back to sleep. Gus is still sleeping too,” He tells me, looking through the refrigerator.

 

“You can go to bed, I’ll probably be up if she needs anything,” I tell him.

 

“Are you having problems sleeping here?” He asks.

 

“I fell asleep already, but I don’t really sleep much anyway,” I tell him.

 

“I’m not really tired either, my mind is going wild with ideas for paintings. I like your family, they’re the ones you always hear about,” He tells me.

 

“Join the club. Until recently unless it was a sitcom, a family like that didn’t really exist in my head. I thought for awhile that what I had with Debra was real, but it turned into another joke on me,” I tell him, feeling the pull to run from this.

 

Justin stood in front of me, lifting my face to look at him. “No, it’s on her, because she’ll never be able to compare to the people who are sleeping in your home. She’ll live her dreary little life, telling herself it’s everyone else that causes her problems and you’ll live a life with people who understand that we make our lives what they are. If anything, you get to be the one who has everything, while they sit on the sidelines, bitching about how unfair life was to them,” He tells me.

 

“You constantly make it better, even when I can’t see how it is,” I tell him.

 

“I only tell you how I see it from an outside point of view,” He tells me.

 

I pulled him down and laid him beside me on the couch, I wanted to hold him. He was becoming an anchor to keep me from believing the crap that my head came up with. “I want us to be together, so when you need someone to keep you from going under, I can do that for you,” I tell him.

 

“We all need that Brian,” He tells me, pulling my arms tighter around him.

 

TED

 

It was one of those night where I felt out of place in my world. I couldn’t stay in the house, because my mind was screaming to get away. I didn’t know where to go or even what to do to stop it. Alex told me it wouldn’t be as easy as it seemed lately, but I was fooling myself into believing that I could just handle it. I know if I called, Alex wouldn’t be pissed, but I wanted to be able to do it without help. I walked out of the house at three in the morning, not knowing where I was going to head, but needing to move before I called Michael and let him fuck with my head again.

 

“Where are you going?” I heard from behind me.

 

“Shit, you scared me. Just thought I’d go get some coffee at the all night place here,” I tell Edward.

 

“I can come with you, if you don’t mind,” He tells me.

 

“I’m sure you’d rather sleep,” I tell him, just wanting to get away.

 

“I can never go back to sleep once I wake up. I want to let Vicky sleep, since she’s dealing with the pregnancy. If you’d rather be alone, it’s okay,” He tells me.

 

“It might be a bad idea, because I tend to get stupid ideas when I'm alone,” I tell him.

 

“That's normally when I bail Vicky out of her latest idea," He tells me.

 

I waited while he got ready, not really sure if he understood what he was getting himself into with me. We walked to the place I haunt when I needed to escape. The waitress just waved as I went to my usual seat. Edward sat down, pulling out the menu, not talking to fill the void. It made me want to say something, because silence is a place that causes me start hearing Michael in my head.

 

“How do you like Brian?” I ask, when I couldn’t come up with anything else.

 

“It's weird to see a copy of CJ, well, only that they share the same features. I hate that he grew up without his family to help him, but other than that, I think I like him,” He tells me.

 

“I didn’t when I first met him,” I tell him.

 

“Why? You don’t have to tell me. I'm just curious, since you seem close to him now,” He tells me.

 

“He was everything I wasn’t. I thought I was in love with a guy who claimed to be Brian’s best friend, and that Brian was an obstacle in the way. It came from watching the way the person I thought was a close friend had to deal with her girlfriend putting Brian in every argument they have,” I tell him.

 

“The only obstacles in any relationship come from the people in that relationship. Vicky and I could have let what other people thought about us being together hurt our relationship, but in the end it was up to us to want each other,” He tells me.

 

“You’re acting like any of what I thought made sense. It was easier to see him as the problem, and not the the people we wanted. Lindsay and Michael wanted Brian to be the person they could look to and say there’s the real asshole. I know that Emmett and I didn’t take the time to know him, because Brian always seemed as if he didn’t want us around him. It’s different now with Brian than it was in the beginning. I think I sort of knew he was the one I could trust,” I tell him.

 

“You trusted someone you claim that you didn’t even like?” He asked.

 

“He saved me when I didn’t want to be saved, and wouldn’t let me wallow in self pity. Which says a lot about him, since at the same time he was dealing with Jack, and the girls neglect of Gus too,” I tell him.

 

“He and CJ have that in common, they will both fight for people,” He tells me.

 

“At the time, I hated him when he wouldn’t let me go,” I admit.

 

“He must have really cared if he didn’t give you what you probably believed you wanted,” He tells me.

 

“He does, but hates for anyone to be grateful,” I tell him.

 

“I wouldn’t like people acting like my caring was anything more than what they should expect from me. It makes it seem like we were only doing things for the praise,” He tells me.

 

“Michael always wanted to hear praise for anything he did. Like you should be grateful for anything he did it for you,” I tell him.

 

“I’ve heard about that clan, and I have to tell you, they really sound like a bunch of assholes. At least you had the sense to get away from them,” He tells me.

 

“I really didn’t get away on my own, Brian is in control of my life, until I manage to get it together,” I tell him.

 

“What makes it so you can’t?” He asks.

 

“Do you really want to know, or is this just ‘keep Ted from doing stupid shit’, per Emmett?” I ask.

 

“Emmett didn’t say anything to me. I don’t ask unless I want to know,” He tells me.

 

“I want to believe Michael had to love me, but the way he reacted to what I did, well, it really doesn’t leave much room for that belief,” I tell him.

 

“What was his reaction to what you did?” He asks me.

 

“He said that cutting my arms open was just to get attention,” I tell him.

 

“Unless you did it in front of him, I don’t see where he could have come up with that,” He tells me.

 

“You don’t see it as selfish?” I ask.

 

“I see it for what it is, a cry for the pain to end. Only you survived, and now you know the guy for the asshole he is, it’s time to get your head to understand that,” He tells me.

 

“I’m working on it, but like tonight, the voices got too loud,” I tell him.

 

“You have a whole family here, and the family Brian brings with him. If you just need someone to drown out the noise, pick one of us, we can be louder,” He tells me.

 

BRIAN

 

I let Justin sleep, and got Lily when she wanted to be fed at six in the morning. CJ came and sat next to me on the steps, smiling at Lily.

 

“I was going to run around the block first, then come get you,” He tells me.

 

“I don’t really sleep a lot,” I tell him.

 

“I’m used to being up and moving before anyone in my house. Normally I’m making breakfast for the boys,” He tells me.

 

“I’m normally dealing with Gus being cranky because he didn’t sleep through the night, which lately hasn’t been much of a problem, but now, it gives me time with Lily,” I tell him.

 

“You love being a father, don’t you?” He asks.

 

“It was easy to do when you fall in love with them the minute you hold them,” I tell him.

 

“Even without knowing you were Lily’s father?” He asks.

 

“At first, I just thought it was because somehow it got Gus to come out of his shell, but there was just something about her that made it hard for me to walk away from her. Justin would have likely thought I was insane if he knew the thoughts in my head. He didn’t even act like there was anything wrong with Gus and I staying with him at the hospital until he was released,” I tell him.

 

“You didn’t go home?” He asks.

 

“I only left long enough to go to work, otherwise we stayed with him. I couldn’t leave you,” I tell Lily.

 

“Still can’t, from what I see,” CJ tells me, running a finger down Lily’s cheek.

 

We were watching Lily and didn’t see Justin at first. “Sit still for a minute,” He tells us, running in and coming out with a camera. “I want this to be something for Lily one day,” He tells me, taking pictures of us.

 

“I want to take a picture,” Gus says from the door.

 

“Sit on your uncle's lap,” Justin told him.

 

Justin took pictures with all of us before Gus said we needed one with Daddy in it. CJ got up and took the camera and Justin sat with us, holding Gus. It was something for Gus to see one day, something I didn’t have for him and Justin did, without knowing what he did. I leaned over and kissed the man who did things without realizing what he was doing.

 

 

 

 

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